Eating Out: The Open Weekend (2011) Movie Script
Lilly's throwing
a fit out in the car.
She wants us to hurry.
What are you doing?
Having fun.
Join in.
Come on, Zack.
Enjoy the ride.
Zack?
Hello?
Are you listening?
Huh?
Sorry, I was just thinking
about this gay resort
we're going to.
You make it sound
like a bad thing.
We won a free vacation,
and it's gay.
What more could you want?
Is it the open thing?
We talked about this.
I know.
It's just for the weekend,
but I'm nervous.
I mean, I was always
the last one picked in gym class.
I don't want to lose you,
but it's something
that's in my gut.
I'm just not ready
to limit myself sexually.
So if we can't do this,
we should just be honest
and break up.
I don't want to break up.
I don't either.
And I do like sex.
Picture the entire
Manhunt website
stuffed into one hotel.
We could have so much fun...
together.
It's just that sleeping
with other guys
is not how I imagined
my relationship.
Come on.
Its one open weekend.
At least try it.
Okay.
One open weekend.
Yay.
I lurve you.
I lurve you, too.
You guys need to talk?
We can dance,
we can dance
We can dance all night
We can dance,
we can dance
We can dance all night
Tonight is the night
I'm gonna make you mine
There's a feeling
in the air
I can't deny
Tonight we're gonna dance
I'll be your partner
in crime
Got me on another level
I'll show you what I
When I touch you,
my hands catch fire
I can't stop dancing
Take me higher
Feel so good,
I think I'm flying
Put your hands up
Let's go higher
Take my hand
and hold on tight
'Cause when I'm with you,
it feels so right
Don't let go
Let's dance all night
We can dance,
we can dance
We can dance all night
Take my hand
and hold on tight
'Cause when I'm with you,
it feels so right
Don't let go
Let's dance all night
We can dance,
we can dance
We can dance all night
Take my hand
and hold on tight
When I'm with you,
it feels so right
Don't let go
Let's dance all night
We can dance,
we can dance
We can dance all night
Just my luck
to win a free vacation
to a resort
that's totally gayified.
I know.
Remember when I asked
what could possibly be gayer
than Drama Camp?
Screw you, too.
- Excuse me?
- Look around.
You're in fucking paradise,
surrounded by beautiful men.
And it's free.
Now drop your uppity
Katy Perry attitudes,
or the computer
might accidentally eat your reservations.
You're right.
I'll just uh tie a flashlight
to my head,
act like Lady Gaga,
and the men will flock to me.
Now, that's the spirit.
And here they are.
I think the batteries are dead.
You know that's not
a flashlight, right?
Now, that is how you attract
the boys around here--
With sweet, sweet nectar.
Oh, come on Casey.
If I wasn't me, I'd totally
be laughing right now.
What's wrong with you?
My ex-boyfriend
and his new boyfriend just texted.
They're here staying in Room 3.
Your keys.
Room 4.
Hey, I'm supposed to get
my own room.
And I'm supposed to be nice
to customers.
- Next!
- What? Wait.
If you're gonna cry
like Baby Jesus,
I can put you out back
in the manger.
Oh, my God, we share a bed.
Welcome to the Triangle Inn.
Eh, Eh.
Come on.
You have really nice energy.
Well, at least Zack
will be with his boyfriend,
so you don't have to watch
him whore it up with a...
never ending parade
of man-whores with muscles
and huge sacks of ball-age.
I'm ready to leave. Now.
No, Casey you can't!
This is too much for me.
I need to call some
more experienced fag hags.
Hello?
This better be good.
Casey's wussing out
because Zack's here,
and there's lots
of hot guys, too.
Do I even know you?
Honey, just pretend
he doesn't exist.
Gays do that all the time
to with their exes.
It's the mature thing to do.
I can't ignore him.
He wants to work on our
friendship this weekend.
He wants us to normalize.
It's like when you put
a new fish in the tank,
you have to keep it
in the bag for a while
so the others
don't eat its eyes.
Girl voice, hush.
Casey, just be his friend
and have an obnoxious
amount of fun.
Show that assgoblin
what he's missing.
You can't be friends
after a break-up.
I thought you told him
that you wanted to be friends.
Everyone says that.
It's just so you can go
around telling people
you're still friends.
Wait, whose side did I take
in this break up?
Do I even like you?
You took my side.
You knew me first.
Oh, is that how that works?
Look, honey, this weekend
is not about Zack.
Just concentrate on having
a really good time.
Aunt Helen,
are you having sex in my bed?
I wouldn't call it sex.
The best thing to do is to find someone
hotter than Zack and fuck him.
And what are you doing?
It's a long story.
I'll explain it in the sequel.
Gotta go.
Bye.
So I guess my goal this weekend
is to stay distracted.
My goal is to watch
two men have sex.
You've seen that.
It doesn't count
when it's on stage.
Here it's like I'm on a safari
watching lions and gazelles
tear each other up
in a frenzy of flesh
and spermicidal lubricant.
Wouldn't you actually
rather just have sex?
What, with a gay man?
And wind up with
a vagina full of vomit?
Been there.
Oh my God, my straight-dar
just went off.
Maybe I could lose
my virginity on this trip.
Tell me what happened,
but I'm gonna stop you
if I get bored.
He doesn't want to limit
himself sexually.
How Catholic.
Miami Beach or Black Giraffe.
Which says "Look at me"
without saying "desperate for attention"?
I ordered cocktails.
I figured we'd need them.
Why, hello.
How are you?
Heterosexual.
How about you?
I am straight, yes.
I wasn't expecting
any of that here.
Well, I'm full of surprises.
- Are you flirting with me?
- Should I stop?
Only if it doesn't work.
Lilly, come on.
Sorry, I have to go feed
my gayby.
It's like cock roulette
out here.
You should have no problem
finding a rebound.
Hmm. I don't do rebounds.
Rebounds are my specialty.
- Peter?
- Casey.
I thought that was you.
What are you doing here?
I didn't know you were gay.
What are you doing here?
I didn't know you were a slut.
Oh, my God, this is crazy.
Umm. In high school, he was--
The homophobic jock?
I've seen Glee.
God, I wish.
I was fat.
- No.
- And shy.
When did you get so-- so hot?
In college.
I turned gay,
I got rid of my braces,
and I got these.
Wow.
Is that, like, a 50-pack?
Feel them.
Its like The Situation,
just without the scabies.
Oh, cool.
Is it me, or does something
smell really cummy?
So, Peter, are you single?
What's the point of coming
to a place like this
if you're not single?
Casey's single, too.
Oh, my God.
You and I are gonna get
into so much trouble.
Anyway, I gotta go meet
with a buddy
to play some strip tennis,
but tonight, sarong party.
I will find you.
I will make sure I'm findable.
So amazing seeing you, Casey.
I used to have
the biggest crush on this one.
He totally wants you
inside of--
He wants the Million Man March
inside of him.
Aw, poor thing.
Let's go get you to our room
and download some
"It Gets Better" videos.
So tell me, what are the rules
to this open relationship?
Well, we're just trying it
for the weekend,
but other than that
we don't have any rules.
You need to have rules,
or someone's gonna get hurt,
like do you kiss and tell,
three-ways only?
Is he allowed
to get punch fucked
by hairy strangers
right here in your bed?
- You know the worst part?
- STDs?
I have to compete
with my own boyfriend to meet guys,
and he'll win every time
because he's the hot one.
Now I know how Casey felt
when he was dating me.
- Well, I got good news.
- What?
I finally got the date
on my surgery.
The big one.
The lower one.
- Make a face like that again.
- Sorry.
Congratulations.
That's huge.
Way more important
than my drama.
Thank you.
So do you really think
it's going to change everything?
In my mind I know
it's just a simple procedure
and a lot of people won't
even know the difference,
but I feel like when I wake up
from this,
I'll finally be me.
- Well, then let's celebrate.
- Yes.
This weekend will be
a cock-and-ball funeral.
Let's find that straight boy
and get more drinks.
Ooh, baby.
There are so many hot guys here.
Okay, we need to lay down
some rules.
Rules?
Yeah, like no hooking up
in our bed.
Technically, it's not our bed.
Benji.
Okay, I just don't get
why you need rules.
It's our right as gay men
to make any kind
of relationship we want.
If they're not gonna let us
get married,
why should we follow
their rules?
Non-monogamy
is the ultimate political statement.
Uh, I don't see
how two dicks in your mouth
is a political statement.
We owe it to future generations.
Casey's here.
Operation Awkward.
Okay, rule number two--
No ex-boyfriends.
I'll see you later.
I'm not pathetic.
I'm having the best time
of my life,
and I am a total 7.
Hey, Zack.
Oh, wow, I love your--
Uh, chest hair.
God, I've missed you.
How're you doing?
Um, me?
I'm--
I'm great, actually.
How can you not be
with all these studs around, you know?
Yeah, lots of studs.
Oh, just throwing
themselves at me--
How could I resist?
You met someone already?
Well, I guess I'm kind
of a dick magnet.
I never thought of you
as a hook-up guy.
Oh, this wasn't just a hook up.
We-- We really
just hit it off.
Oh.
Where's your Casanova now?
He's-- He's sleeping.
Guess I wore him out.
Wow. That's great.
We should do a double date
while we're here.
Yeah. Oh, definitely.
Ah, so how are you and Benji?
Having a good time?
- The best.
- Great.
So tomorrow, brunch?
- Huh?
- Double date with your new boo?
Um, yeah.
Sure. Sure...
Awesome.
See? We can do this.
Be friends.
Friendship rocks.
- This is the perfect place to
find your meat puppet. - My what?
Some big dumb jock
who will pretend to be
in love with you
for a free brunch
and some rebound MuMa.
- MuMa?
- Mutual Masturbation.
Even I knew that.
What about... him?
Oh, he's cute.
I'd definitely MuMa him.
He's not wearing any underwear.
None of them are.
It's customary, I think.
So I can just run around
accidentally fondling
big shiny ding dongs?
I think they'd be insulted
if you didn't.
You are the hottest guy here.
Okay, okay.
You are the hottest guy here.
Is it bad that I want him
to say that to me again?
You can almost see the crabs
leaping from one torso
to the other.
- Jerry?
- In the very loose flesh.
This is Bernard, my fianc.
- Hello.
- I'm Penny, hag-in-training.
Fianc- wow.
We're getting legally married
this weekend.
What?
You haven't heard about
the Liberace Loophole?
Who's Liberace?
Think George Michael,
only sluttier.
Who's George Michael?
Think Adam Lambert,
but with plastic surgery and success.
Oh, okay.
Anyway, because of some
legislative screw-up,
there's a one hour window
in which it will be
legally permissible
for gays to marry.
We're staying over
at the Hacienda resort
and they're offering
free weddings
for any couple who wants
to take advantage of the opening.
I love to taking advantage
of openings.
As you can see,
he shares my inappropriate
and pedestrian sense of humor.
Well, I totally be
your flower girl.
Where's that strapping young
boyfriend of yours?
Um, it's-- it's a long story.
Oh, honey, what happened?
I thought you were as steady
as Barack and Michelle.
Well, he's...
here.
Gotta go.
- Youth.
- The trolls of tomorrow.
What're you doing to my dick?
Nothing.
Peter, here's the deal.
Oh, God, those abs.
Casey did a really stupid thing
and lied to his ex
that he met someone here
because he didn't want
to look like the loser
that he may very well be,
so we need you to pretend
to be Casey's boyfriend.
No way.
I'm here to get my sex on.
Please, for old time's sake?
We didn't hang out at all
in high school.
So you've got
a lot of catching up to do.
Look, I'm all
for hooking with you.
But I'm not in a place
where I can date right now,
pretend or otherwise.
Wait, you're
all for hooking up with me?
Shit.
Is this your new boyfriend?
Um...
Hi, I'm Peter.
I'm Zack.
This is my--
Benji.
Your dish towel's slipping.
Oh, yeah, it is.
Are we on for tomorrow morning?
Uh, I don't know.
Are we free
for brunch tomorrow, baby?
As long as it starts
after 3:00 p.m.
'Cause we'll be up
all night making love.
Right, lover?
Something like that,
my sweet little asshole.
Great.
Well, we're gonna go dance.
You are so buying me drinks
the rest of the weekend.
Fingers to the head,
to the toes
Like some kind of rose
Like something
you'd notice
In a room full of confusion
And illusion
and delusion
There's someone saying
something to you
But what can you do?
You're just hoping
and hoping
But a rose is just a rose
Until she's
underneath your nose
And you see her
in the room
And you smell
her perfume
What a fuss, and she's
just the one for us
You're taking it
in stride, but you know
That people you know
are beginning to notice
Your words full of confusion
and illusion and delusion
And the girl you brought
to party with you
- Have fun?
- Yeah.
Busy steam room here.
How bout you?
Yep.
Oh, really?
You met someone?
Mm...
Well, congratulations, tramp.
Hey, maybe we can get
a little threesome going?
I saw you come out of that room.
I can't believe you had
a threesome before brunch.
Oh, my God, a gay guy's acting slutty.
Call TMZ.
Just be careful, all right?
If Zack sees you with someone
who isn't me, it's all over.
Come on.
We're late for brunch.
I haven't showered.
Do I smell like sex?
Everything here smells like sex.
We should get married.
What?
They're doing those legal
weddings for one hour tomorrow.
The more gay couples who marry,
the bigger
the impact on society.
We should get married
to make a political statement.
Yesterday you wanted
to have an orgy
to make a political statement.
Now you want to get married?
What's wrong?
You've been acting like
Kristen Stewart all morning.
I'm fine.
No, I know that Zacky pout...
You wanna know what's wrong?
- I'm upset because--
- Hey, you guys.
Here we are.
Lilly, I was looking for you.
It's Penny.
Since we're the only two
straight girls here,
we should probably hang out.
Okay, but stop smiling.
You're giving me a headache.
How'd you two meet?
We go way back to high school.
I thought you said
you met yesterday.
Well, we gay met yesterday.
He never paid attention
to me in high school,
but this time...
sparks.
Sparks are what it's all about.
Right, honey?
Mm-hm.
Sparks.
Looks like they're having
a really nice time.
Are you kidding?
Okay, check out your
pigmentally challenged friend.
He has his hands all over
that Ryan Phillippe/
Kwanten/Reynolds guy,
but his eyes are on Zack.
So looks like you two can't
get enough of each other.
Oh, I know.
I mean, look at us.
We're practically making love.
Nope.
We can't keep our hands
off of each other.
Oh, my God, it's huge.
Surprises me every time.
Should you two be doing
that in public?
The sign doesn't say
public resort.
Maybe we shouldn't.
Not without kissing anyway.
Excellent idea.
Nice.
That gets me hot.
I will never truly
understand the gays.
You don't even understand
the Wheel of Fortune.
Good afternoon,
beautiful ladies.
Hello, I-- we--
Hola, Luis.
I met Luis earlier.
So did I.
Like eye contact met.
Remember?
Can I bring you
something else to drink?
Oh, I'm good. Oh.
Oh, Allow me to clean you up.
Oh, Jesus.
That is not how
a gay man touches boobs.
- I knew you were straight.
- You are correct.
Why would a straight guy
want to work here?
There are many reasons
to work here,
many beautiful reasons.
I am going to bring you
another drink.
That is who I'm giving
my virginity to.
Back off.
We flirted yesterday.
We've established something.
But he touched my breast.
Normally I would never fight
with another woman
over a man, but fuck it.
I'm bored.
It's on.
Ew.
We should do brunch
with them again.
Are you kidding?
That was awful.
Huh?
We spent the entire time
pretending to be
something we're not--
Happily monogamous.
Don't try to make me
the bad guy here.
You agreed to be open
this weekend.
You could've said no.
What possessed me
to break up with Zack
and then try to be friends
with him?
I mean, you'd think
I would've learned
from every relationship
Jennifer Aniston's ever had.
You broke up with him
because you loved him,
and you want be friends with him
because you still love him.
Unfortunately, he loves Benji.
Don't remind me.
Did you see them
all over each other today,
like horny little monkeys?
There was a lot of horny
at that table.
It doesn't count
if you're faking it,
which, I was,
except for the erection part.
Casey and Peter
don't need to an open
relationship to be happy.
They've been together
for, like, five minutes,
and I can tell Peter's
already getting bored.
Is that how long it took you
to get bored with me?
Come on.
We're in the middle of nowhere
with hot guys
we'll never see again.
We can misbehave a little.
Then back to normal at home.
Yeah, but which
is the normal you?
This one or the one back home?
Peter is boning everything
in sight.
I'm gonna get busted,
and you know what?
I'll deserve it.
You know what always helps me
when I get into
this exact situation?
An ego boost.
Oh, my God,
you look amazing.
So do you.
Come on, now.
You made Zack
fall in love with you once.
It's not like you're Marmaduke.
Look at this face...
Madonna would pay good money
for cheekbones like those.
Especially for her face.
And you're funny and smart
and all the things some
wonderful, sexy stud
is gonna see in you as soon as
you start seeing it yourself.
Well, thank you, Mother.
Momma needs you to do
something for her.
- What?
- Wait for me at the bar.
You have to protect me from Lilly
while I move in on the guy she wants.
Are you serious?
It's your turn to be my hag.
These are perfection.
I shall call it "The Lilly."
Oh, my.
So how many lonely fag hags
have you picked up here?
Not as much as you might think.
Don't give me that.
Tons of women get dragged here
by gay friends
who dump them
for poppers and handjobs.
Um, I'm right here.
Yeah, but your brain isn't.
It's in Benji's pants
or Casey's ass
or some shit like that.
It's not like that.
I just don't want Casey
to find out
about our open weekend thing.
What would happen
if Casey found out?
He'd say something like,
"You're better than being
in a relationship
that isn't working for you."
You make Casey
sound pretty smart.
But compromise is what being in
a relationship's all about, right?
I should give it a try before
throwing the whole thing away.
Well, here's your chance
to test your theory.
How's it going?
Okay.
You're great at this.
I'm Jaden.
You having fun this weekend?
Yeah, I'm liking
the peace and quiet.
Okay.
Actually,
that came out all wrong.
What I mean to say is
I'm having a great weekend...
now.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
That's so hot.
You tried the Jacuzzi yet?
Yeah.
But I could always go again.
I want to wrap my legs
around your face
like a pair of Bono sunglasses.
And then what?
Shit.
Okay.
I gotta go.
Hey, Peter,
just saw your boyfriend
heading into the bar.
I don't mess with guys
in relationships.
It's too much drama.
Okay.
Wouldn't want to compromise
your morals.
See? Drama.
Fuck.
Holy shit.
He's cheating on Zack.
Hey Zackattack,
I brought you a present.
What is he doing here?
Your boyfriend wanted
to watch us do it.
- Consider him a peace offering.
- I don't know.
- Is he too fat?
- Am I what?
No, he's perfect, but...
Come on.
Your boyfriend's
really into this.
Plus, l bet you taste delicious.
Damn, guys, that's hot.
Oh, yeah, so hot...
Are you okay?
You're kinda limp down there.
Just pretend.
Suck it.
Suck it with that pretty mouth.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, do his face.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God, I'm close.
Me, too.
Oh, so close.
Oh, Fu...
I'm gonna come.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, yeah.
That was just...
all kinds of wrong.
Now I'll try to find someone
for you to watch me with.
One Lilly.
Shit.
I can not let him see
her looking like that.
Penny, wait.
Penny.
Ay, dios mio.
Are you okay?
I think so.
Did you by any chance see me
before I fell in?
I am afraid I did not, no.
Shart.
But I am sure
you looked beautiful.
I'm so sorry, Penny.
- I didn't mean to.
- I bet you didn't.
These are yours--
Room number 4.
And...
Hormone pills?
These are your pills?
Yes, they're mine.
So what?
I get cramps.
Hey, lover.
Hi.
You know you cock-blocked me
and you weren't even
in the room.
Sorry about that.
Eh, it don't stay blocked
for long.
Pesky thing.
Hey, thanks for being
my pretend boyfriend.
I have to say this is
one of the most perverted
things I've ever done.
Did you really have a crush
on me in high school?
Absolutely.
You were so adorable.
Still are.
So, why don't you have
a boyfriend?
Maybe you haven't noticed,
but I'm kind of a slut.
I've noticed.
I'm just not the boyfriend type.
I'm definitely
the boyfriend type.
That's part of
what makes you so hot.
And why I haven't tried to go
to naked town with you.
I respect you.
That's really sweet, but...
I'd love to be
disrespected right now.
Will we ever
Will we ever get there?
Waiting on the horizon
For ships to come
There is something
to believe in again
Something's passing
through me
Like electricity
Constantly waiting
till I see you again
Running wild
I'm so sorry, Penny.
What were you thinking?
Honestly?
I didn't mean to knock you
in the pool.
I just didn't want Luis to see
you looking that good.
So you did do it on purpose.
No, I just said I didn't.
You said you didn't want him to
see me looking that gorgeous.
I didn't say gorgeous.
I can't believe I covered
for your stupid hormone pills.
That was really sweet of you.
Mind if I have them back now?
Like I told Luis,
they're mine.
You know he named
that drink after me?
It's called the Penny.
Will we ever,
will we ever get there?
Waiting on the horizon
I should tell Zack what I saw,
but he will totally hate me.
I'd wanna know if my boyfriend
was cheating on me.
Maybe they have
an open relationship.
- Really? Zack?
- I know.
So are you and Peter
a thing now?
No, it was just like,
friend sex,
really amazing friend sex.
- We're friends.
- Ew.
Please, like I'd waste my cherry
on your little pink baby corn.
What happened
with the bartender?
Hello. Have you seen
the bandage on my head?
Obviously there's
a terrible story behind it.
I wasn't sure
that was a bandage.
I mean sometimes
you dress kinda weird.
Damn, don't bruise me
before the underwear party.
They're all underwear parties.
Apparently, you can't have a wedding
without three nights of orgies.
First comes love,
then comes marriage.
But they never warn you about
the three ways in between.
I don't wanna lose
Benji over this.
- I normally love three-ways.
- Who doesn't?
I just don't want one
in my relationship.
Okay, that doesn't make
any sense.
If you fantasize about it,
why not share that
with your boyfriend?
I guess I'm over-thinking it.
I mean, last night
should have been totally hot.
Just give yourself over.
Over to what, studmuffin?
Absolute pleasure.
Last night
was just an appetizer.
Tonight...
we're having a real three-way.
I lurve you.
I lurve you, too.
It's underwear night.
Why aren't you in your panties?
I miss wearing clothes.
Well, I have plans for tonight,
so the room is free
for whatever you need to do,
say bring a certain someone
back to it and get it on?
Don't bother.
I don't plan on using it.
Then the room
will sit there empty.
Fine by me.
Come on, Casey.
This is your life.
Get out there and live it.
You make everything sound
like a Tweet from Oprah.
I forgot
how much I love ordering in.
Oh, what about this guy?
Versatile top loves group play.
Ooh, 5'1"? Sixty-nining
short guys cramps my neck.
We don't have to do this
if you don't--
Whoa, what about him?
Hmm, not my type.
How 'bout that guy?
No, thanks.
He looks 12.
He looks a hundred.
He looks like Rachel Maddow.
Whoa.
Super hot.
It says he's only looking
for friendship.
Let's see if he wants
to be our friend.
If I were
a stupid, heartless bitch,
where would I hide
someone's meds?
Casey.
Figures.
Where are they?
Ugh. Harry Potter vibrator?
I'm on
a man hunt, man hunt
I'm not looking
for the one
I'm on
a man hunt, man hunt
I didn't think finding a three-way
would be so complicated.
Well, when you're matching
three checklists
against each other,
it gets pretty elaborate.
It's a good thing
I studied calculus.
Hey, let's split up
and meet back up in 30.
See what we can rustle up
on our own?
Okay.
Then I wonder
if sometimes
I just want to be alone
I'm on
a man hunt, man hunt
I just want a night of fun
I'm on
a man hunt, man hunt...
I'm not looking
for the one...
Look, I'm just gonna be
straight-up honest
because, what the hell,
I'm never gonna see you again.
I sensed some kind of
flirtation going on between us,
and, well, I'm a virgin,
and I really don't want
to be anymore,
so if you're not busy,
can we fuck?
With condoms?
Your honesty is,
uh, sexy,
but can I be honest as well?
You're gay.
No.
I just.
I know what those pills were.
I like women, real women.
But those were...
If you honestly think
that those pills make me
any less of a woman,
then you're not nearly
enough man for me.
Wait, I-- You--
Pedomierda.
Hey, Peter.
Yeah, the bar
is three blocks down
and two blocks west.
- See ya.
- Yeah I'm a person, too, you know.
Who was that?
Who was who?
That guy
you were just hitting on.
Ugh, I don't even wanna know.
Damn it.
Face it, Penny,
you'll die a virgin.
Time for some Quidditch.
Ooh!
Where's your boyfriend?
Um...
where is yours?
Oh, um, he's picking out...
underwear.
Oh.
Hey, um.
Can we go somewhere and talk?
Yeah, sure.
Okay, um, how about my room?
I wasn't hitting on that guy.
Come on.
It was more obvious
than the dent
in Anderson Cooper's forehead.
Something's weird about
your relationship with Casey.
Excuse me, Chelsea Lately,
but you and Zack seem to be
having problems of your own.
Why do you say that?
Well, for one, look at us.
Oh.
Go for the golden snitch.
Oh.
Oh.
Shart, shart, shart.
I might get to see some gay sex.
Um, what's that?
Penny.
Ugh. It smells
like lima beans.
So there's nothing unusual
happening with you and Casey?
And there's nothing unusual
with you and Zack?
You first.
Let's go get Zack,
then find Casey,
then figure out what's going on.
Fine.
But real quick.
Much better.
Yup.
So I have to tell you something.
I saw something last night.
So did I.
Why do you think
we didn't work out?
I-- I don't know.
Um...
gay guys can't have
long term relationships?
You know that's not true.
I guess maybe because we never
tried to spice things up?
What? You wanted
an open relationship?
No.
I know we're gay,
and we're supposed to be able to make
up whatever kind of family we want,
but for me my family--
It's just gonna be one special
person standing beside me...
someone to grow old with,
even during the boring times.
I miss the boring times.
Shit, wrong room.
Hello.
What's going on, guys?
Nothing.
I don't know. It looks
awfully horny in here.
Well, what are you two
doing together?
Looking for you guys.
What were you talking about?
How to keep the spark alive.
Yeah?
How do you guys do that?
Benji was doubting our sparks.
Well, we've got sparks,
right, Zack?
I can feel some sparks
right about now, in fact.
Um, we should get ready
for the party.
I'll go first.
Well, I don't need to change
in the bathroom
if you guys don't mind.
Yeah, go ahead.
- Damn.
- Damn.
Damn.
My underwear
are back in my room.
Hey, honey,
you got some underwear
I can borrow?
Yeah, check in my suitcase.
You look great
in those trunks, Zack.
Maybe I can try them on?
Y-You wanna try mine on?
Please?
He said please.
How do they look?
- They look good.
- Real good.
Except something's poking
out of 'em.
Oh, yeah.
I see that.
It'd be hard to miss.
Um, hi.
Come here, boyfriend.
Zack and I were...
Have never had break-up sex.
Ow.
That's hot.
Is this what you wanted?
Or this?
What's that?
Air conditioning?
Works for me.
Stay here.
Where's the condoms?
Over here.
Shh.
Get back up here, Casey.
Oh. Yes, sir.
So, who's doing who?
Whom.
Yeah, Zack.
Who's doing who?
Whom.
Well...
I think I wanna do...
I've had it.
What grabbed me.
There's a monster under the bed!
What the hell?
- What's going on?
- Hi.
And what were you doing
under there?
I was just masturbating.
I don't know what she was doing.
I was looking for my
medication this bitch stole.
Then you guys came in and started
playing Human Centipede.
This is too messy for me.
You're part of this mess.
No, he's not.
Zack...
Peter and I aren't boyfriends.
We never were.
What?
I didn't want you
to feel sorry for me,
that you had
a boyfriend and I didn't,
so I asked Peter to pretend
that we were dating.
I knew it.
Well, not that,
but I knew something.
- I'm sorry.
- I should've known.
Everything you do involves
a giant conspiracy.
You should've just have been
honest with him.
That's priceless
coming from you, Benji.
I saw him bring a guy back
into your room last night.
That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
- I can bring back whoever I want.
- Whomever.
'Cause Zack and I are
in an open relationship.
An open...?
I-- I didn't know.
Benji wanted us
to give it a try.
But why didn't...?
Wait a minute.
You're giving me
a hard time for lying,
when you've been lying about your
perfect relationship all along?
Fuck you.
Well, we're better
than you and I ever were.
Benji, c'mon.
These are the gays of our lives.
I cannot believe him.
When is he gonna grow up?
And you, what was that?
I'm sorry.
Maybe I can make it up to you?
Yeah, it's mostly political,
but I wanna make a statement...
with you.
We're not perfect,
but what couple is?
Marry me.
Tomorrow...
while it's legal.
Marry me.
Are you serious?
Fine.
That's so romantic.
So what am I so afraid of
If it's just you?
But, baby,
you're hot and cold
And maybe
you'll never know
Just what you want me to
Everything
I need you to say
Didn't talk
'cause I was so afraid
Everything
I need you to hear
Didn't talk
'cause I'm my latest fear
Hey.
Hop in.
Everything's better
after a Jacuzzi.
How're you feeling?
Like I just sat through the
first three Twilight movies.
That bad, huh?
Hey, I'm sorry about getting
you mixed up in all this.
It's okay.
This definitely makes
my top-ten kinky list.
And it was fun hanging out
with you.
And you know what?
You are a great kisser.
And you are packin'
the goods down there.
Thanks.
Zack's right, you know.
Every time I want to get
close to him, I just lie.
What is wrong with me?
Deep-seated insecurity.
Well how can I not have that
when I don't look like you?
Oh stop using the you're-better-looking-than-me
as a crutch, Casey.
We've all got shit
we're insecure about.
And what are you insecure about?
- Hmm...
- See?
I'm playin'.
Of course I'm insecure.
I'm insecure
that I spend so much time
trying to get laid
that I'll pass up
on a good opportunity
when something
meaningful comes my way.
I'm insecure that I can't
commit to a relationship ever.
And when I finally do,
once the sex with me
gets boring,
I won't have enough to offer.
And I'm insecure that my arms
aren't big enough.
My legs are too skinny.
- My hair is thin--
- Okay, shut up.
When we get back to the city,
we should hang out,
I want to go to bars,
meet some guys
now that I'm finally accepting
that Zack and I are over.
Yeah, I heard
about their wedding.
What?
You feel any better yet?
I feel like Mel Gibson
at the Museum of Tolerance.
Let's keep trying.
Here's what's really jacked.
I miss him.
The bean pole?
Yeah. That's why I wanted
to be friends with him.
On paper we're totally wrong
for each other.
He's all dorky
and self conscious.
He likes Gaga more than Madonna,
and he actually laughs
at clowns.
But...
But his goofy smile
just slays me every time.
He loves old movies.
We always order
the same thing on the menu.
And he always means well,
even when he's lying.
And from what I saw,
he's hung like
The Incredible Hulk.
Yeah, skinny guys
never fail to surprise.
And he's not
into open relationships.
I don't know.
Ask yourself something.
Why are talking about Casey
when you're about marry Benji?
- You look so good.
- You look so good.
Oh, it's our flower girl.
You can be my something blue.
Very funny.
Darlin', what's wrong?
Did Kathy Griffin
get another face-lift?
Zack's getting married.
Our Zack?
And he's in
an open relationship.
Oh, I hate his guts.
Oh, come now, there's too much
hate in the world already.
- You don't hate Zack.
- I know.
Maybe this is life giving you
one of those teachable moments
they're always talking about
on CNN.
Maybe you can put
a little more love
back in the world
by supporting Zack.
Are you kidding me?
I don't wanna see him get
married
to some guy who's not me.
But this isn't about you.
This is about someone you love.
And even though Zack
might not know it,
he needs your friendship.
Are you gonna be there for him?
Truce?
How did you know
I was behind you?
Transsexual sense.
We all have it.
You do?
Yeah, TSP.
So truce?
Truce.
What's the catch?
I think our fight
is actually pretty stupid.
It's just that since Jason,
I act like I'm confident
and I can find another
boyfriend whenever I want,
but...
- I'm scared.
- You and me both.
Oh, come on.
You have a natural born vagina.
Just lay it out on plate,
and men come crawling.
But my personality
scares them off.
I wish I was more like you.
I can't believe a cis woman
just said that to me.
A what?
A non-transsexual.
Oh..
Buenos Dias, ladies.
He's all yours.
Oh, I'm mad at him.
It is hot today, isn't it?
God, it's hard to stay mad
at him.
Is he flirting with you or me?
He's playing with both of us.
I guess teasing gay boys
isn't enough.
He has to get us women
to fight each other, too.
Let's go put that sexy
bastard in his place.
- You've got balls.
- That's not funny.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
I meant in the same way I do.
Just fucking with you.
I know what you meant.
And do you,
Rick, promise to love Steve
for as both as you
long shall live?
- Well, duh.
- Great.
Congratulations.
So you heard.
Yeah.
I'm sorry that I lied to you.
I'm sorry, too.
Are you excited
for your wedding?
I don't know.
We're just getting married
to make a political statement.
I always pictured
a big beautiful wedding.
What, you in white?
Sunflowers everywhere.
A choir singing Ray of Light.
We'd write our own vows.
Aw, and they'd make us
cry when we read 'em.
And when the minister pronounced
us husband and husband...
We'd do a choreographed dance
to "Umbrella."
With umbrellas.
I-- I didn't mean we.
I meant you.
Do you do you need a best man?
What? Are you serious?
I know I haven't always
been the best man,
but...
I came here to tell you
that I want you in my life,
even if it is just
as your best man.
I get why you did it.
You wanted the best for me.
It's what best men do.
So does that mean I can do it?
But this isn't my real wedding.
Casey?
It's time.
This is his room.
So what's the plan?
I thought you had a plan?
That's because you're stupid.
Wait. What if he's
with someone?
You're right.
We should break in.
- What are you doing?
- Shh.
Come on, Luis.
Are you scared to face up
to the consequences
of the way you treat women?
I spy with my little eye
something that begins
with pussy.
I not scared.
I am naked.
Oh, my.
You are.
He's butt naked and circumcised.
Congratulations.
You can read.
What are you doing here?
You've been playing us against
each other this whole weekend.
Leading us on.
Naming the same drink
after both of us.
Ogling our bosoms.
What's the matter with you?
I sorry.
I just like the attention,
but I'm harmless.
You see,
no women will ever have me
because of my...
problem.
What problem?
Oh, Penny, I should not have
been so quick to judge you.
You are right.
It is not your anatomy that
makes you a beautiful woman.
So what, you're trans now?
I was trying to do
the right thing.
- Those were not your pills?
- No, they're mine,
and how is stealing
my identity the right thing?
Well, I guess you
had to be there.
It doesn't matter who is what.
You are both beautiful women.
And like so many beautiful
and cruel women before,
neither of you will have me
once you have seen my problem.
What's you're goddamned
problem already?
I was born with a tail.
Born with a what?
Whoa.
My mother, she thought
it was a sign from God,
so she made the doctors keep it,
and now that I am grown,
it is too dangerous
for them to take it out.
Because of this tail,
women scream
and I never make love.
I just flirt.
I kind of know exactly
where you're coming from.
So now what?
To be honest,
I'm having some really trashy
thoughts right now.
Me, too.
What is happening?
I don't think they have
a name for this in Spanish.
- No way.
- Not happening.
Let's just keep you
in the middle.
Maravillosa.
Quick question--
Can that thing get hard?
Jerry, you're the Aladdin
to my Jasmine,
the Weasley to my Hermione,
and the Brad to my Angelina
if they're still together.
Oh, Bernard,
I once loved someone and set him free.
He slept with a meth head
and ran off with a hairdresser.
Of course he did.
So now I'm gonna tie you down
while I can, okay?
You two are next.
We've assigned witnesses
unless you have
friends or family here.
Yeah, my best man
is their flower girl.
- Oh, but...
- But what?
Oh, my...
That means you two
are the ex and new boyfriend
he was so intimidated by?
- He told you?
- He told someone.
I just have really good hearing.
So he's gonna help
you guys get married?
Guys that good
are really hard to find.
Yeah, they are.
Love is never easy.
We won't always understand
each other.
We won't even like
each other some days,
but no matter what,
you're a part of me.
My heart is connected to yours,
and no argument, no document,
and certainly no court ruling
is ever going to change that.
And now, by the power
vested in me--
- Can we kiss already?
- Please, please.
So now I've had sex.
How does it feel?
It was good...
but not as good as cheesecake.
It never is.
There will be cheesecake
at the wedding reception.
The wedding.
Those old farts
sure took their time.
Okay, we've got five minutes
before the legal marriage
loophole closes.
You two ready?
Ready.
Aah, wait.
My tail is stuck.
Okay, we are here
to join Zachary and Benjamin
in rapid matrimony.
Marriage is a contract
that should not be entered into
lightly, blah, blah, blah,
we gotta hurry this up if you
guys wanna do this in time,
so does anyone object?
Anyone?
Someone objects.
Oh, God, her?
No. Sorry.
I wasn't--
Not forever holding my peace.
Okay, so do you Zachary
take Benjamin to be your lawfully
wedded partner for life?
I...
I...
Can I talk to you?
Yeah, sure by all means,
please do.
You've got several seconds.
We can't do this.
You don't even love me.
No, but I lurve you.
We're evolving,
and this is just a legal
procedure, that's it.
I know it is, for you.
That's not what marriage is
to me.
I'm not fighting
for the right to make
a political statement.
I'm asking my country
to recognize me
for who I am
and the family I want to make,
and this isn't it.
Are you saying you don't want
to make a family with me?
I guess I am.
I mean, I lurve you...
but...
I love somebody else.
You've always been there.
It's always been you.
It's always been you.
I just I didn't realize it...
Until now.
One minute.
One minute.
I'm really sorry.
Go ahead, kiss him.
You were my best friend,
then my boyfriend,
and then my best man,
- and now--
- Thirty seconds.
Is somebody going
to get married or what?
What a day it's been.
What a life it's going to be.
One Penny.
Ooh.
And one Lilly.
Thank you, Luis.
We're gonna miss you, Luis.
Oh, you will forget me
once you leave this place.
- Never.
- Probably.
Hm.
So how do you feel
now that you're a woman?
Not that different than before.
Just a little more...
I don't know, powerful.
I'll be asking you the same
question in a few weeks.
And you'll probably
get the same answer.
To a beautiful weekend.
To two beautiful women.
Cheers.
Shall we?
You're awful frisky
for a jilted groom.
Hey, it sucks to break up,
but that's
why they invented rebounds.
Rebounds are my specialty.
And three-ways--
Those are my specialty.
For a second there I thought
we were gonna get married.
I know.
So did I.
Can you imagine?
Well, yeah.
Me, too.
So we both love each other.
So now what?
You mean what if
we get bored again?
Yeah.
I guess
we could always break up.
And then lie, trick,
and seduce our way
back into each other's hearts.
Sounds like a plan.
We are so weird.
So I asked for love
I asked for a song
- And there'll be joy
- There'll be joy
- Joy
- There'll be joy
Joy
I searched for peace
I begged for health
- And I Prayed for time
- Prayed for time
- And there'll be joy
- There'll be joy
- Joy
- There'll be joy
Joy
I searched for peace
I begged for health
And I prayed for time
Prayed for time
- And there'll be joy
- There'll be joy
- Joy
- There'll be joy
Joy
Took a walk alone today
First time
I'd seen the sun
The oceans, every blade
of grass, and I
We all live as one
Two birds
in a yellowwood tree
I wish our love
would always be
I've seen
the works of heaven
But it took your love
to set me free
I've seen the wonders
of the world
Stood on mountains
green and tall
Seen kingdoms
rise and fall
All for love and war
Yet I yearn to understand
The amazement in my hands
There's nothing
on this land
Like you
You
Amaze me
Thought about
how you made me see
And how the colors
came to life in me
When I saw a butterfly
Dance upon destiny
And I watched it
rise up and fly
It was then
I saw you and I
I feel
like a little child
On its first breath
of life
I've seen the wonders
of the world
Stood on mountains
green and tall
Seen kingdoms
rise and fall
All for love and war
Yet I yearn to understand
The amazement in my hands
There's nothing
on this land
Like you
Oh, oh, oh
You
Amaze me
Yeah, yeah, whoa...
When I count
the compromises
Showed me like... inside
And I saw you
I've seen the wonders
of the world
Stood on mountains
green and tall
Seen kingdoms
rise and fall
All for love and war
Yet I yearn to understand
The amazement in my hands
There's nothing
on this land
Like you
There's nothing
on this land
Like you
You
Amaze me
You are 10 kinds of sexy.
How do you feel
about open relationships?
Intrigued.
Do you maybe want
to go out on a date?
I'd like that.
Can I come?
Just kidding.
I'm a Republican Congressman.
Can you imagine if that got out?
Do you like what you see?
I keep entertaining
Why won't you let me be?
Me be?
Me be?
So what
am I supposed to do?
To do business with you?
I like your company
Your company
Your company
Keep it professional
Keep it
Keep it professional
Extra! Extra!
Read all about it
Keep it professional...
Extra, extra, extra
Read all about it
a fit out in the car.
She wants us to hurry.
What are you doing?
Having fun.
Join in.
Come on, Zack.
Enjoy the ride.
Zack?
Hello?
Are you listening?
Huh?
Sorry, I was just thinking
about this gay resort
we're going to.
You make it sound
like a bad thing.
We won a free vacation,
and it's gay.
What more could you want?
Is it the open thing?
We talked about this.
I know.
It's just for the weekend,
but I'm nervous.
I mean, I was always
the last one picked in gym class.
I don't want to lose you,
but it's something
that's in my gut.
I'm just not ready
to limit myself sexually.
So if we can't do this,
we should just be honest
and break up.
I don't want to break up.
I don't either.
And I do like sex.
Picture the entire
Manhunt website
stuffed into one hotel.
We could have so much fun...
together.
It's just that sleeping
with other guys
is not how I imagined
my relationship.
Come on.
Its one open weekend.
At least try it.
Okay.
One open weekend.
Yay.
I lurve you.
I lurve you, too.
You guys need to talk?
We can dance,
we can dance
We can dance all night
We can dance,
we can dance
We can dance all night
Tonight is the night
I'm gonna make you mine
There's a feeling
in the air
I can't deny
Tonight we're gonna dance
I'll be your partner
in crime
Got me on another level
I'll show you what I
When I touch you,
my hands catch fire
I can't stop dancing
Take me higher
Feel so good,
I think I'm flying
Put your hands up
Let's go higher
Take my hand
and hold on tight
'Cause when I'm with you,
it feels so right
Don't let go
Let's dance all night
We can dance,
we can dance
We can dance all night
Take my hand
and hold on tight
'Cause when I'm with you,
it feels so right
Don't let go
Let's dance all night
We can dance,
we can dance
We can dance all night
Take my hand
and hold on tight
When I'm with you,
it feels so right
Don't let go
Let's dance all night
We can dance,
we can dance
We can dance all night
Just my luck
to win a free vacation
to a resort
that's totally gayified.
I know.
Remember when I asked
what could possibly be gayer
than Drama Camp?
Screw you, too.
- Excuse me?
- Look around.
You're in fucking paradise,
surrounded by beautiful men.
And it's free.
Now drop your uppity
Katy Perry attitudes,
or the computer
might accidentally eat your reservations.
You're right.
I'll just uh tie a flashlight
to my head,
act like Lady Gaga,
and the men will flock to me.
Now, that's the spirit.
And here they are.
I think the batteries are dead.
You know that's not
a flashlight, right?
Now, that is how you attract
the boys around here--
With sweet, sweet nectar.
Oh, come on Casey.
If I wasn't me, I'd totally
be laughing right now.
What's wrong with you?
My ex-boyfriend
and his new boyfriend just texted.
They're here staying in Room 3.
Your keys.
Room 4.
Hey, I'm supposed to get
my own room.
And I'm supposed to be nice
to customers.
- Next!
- What? Wait.
If you're gonna cry
like Baby Jesus,
I can put you out back
in the manger.
Oh, my God, we share a bed.
Welcome to the Triangle Inn.
Eh, Eh.
Come on.
You have really nice energy.
Well, at least Zack
will be with his boyfriend,
so you don't have to watch
him whore it up with a...
never ending parade
of man-whores with muscles
and huge sacks of ball-age.
I'm ready to leave. Now.
No, Casey you can't!
This is too much for me.
I need to call some
more experienced fag hags.
Hello?
This better be good.
Casey's wussing out
because Zack's here,
and there's lots
of hot guys, too.
Do I even know you?
Honey, just pretend
he doesn't exist.
Gays do that all the time
to with their exes.
It's the mature thing to do.
I can't ignore him.
He wants to work on our
friendship this weekend.
He wants us to normalize.
It's like when you put
a new fish in the tank,
you have to keep it
in the bag for a while
so the others
don't eat its eyes.
Girl voice, hush.
Casey, just be his friend
and have an obnoxious
amount of fun.
Show that assgoblin
what he's missing.
You can't be friends
after a break-up.
I thought you told him
that you wanted to be friends.
Everyone says that.
It's just so you can go
around telling people
you're still friends.
Wait, whose side did I take
in this break up?
Do I even like you?
You took my side.
You knew me first.
Oh, is that how that works?
Look, honey, this weekend
is not about Zack.
Just concentrate on having
a really good time.
Aunt Helen,
are you having sex in my bed?
I wouldn't call it sex.
The best thing to do is to find someone
hotter than Zack and fuck him.
And what are you doing?
It's a long story.
I'll explain it in the sequel.
Gotta go.
Bye.
So I guess my goal this weekend
is to stay distracted.
My goal is to watch
two men have sex.
You've seen that.
It doesn't count
when it's on stage.
Here it's like I'm on a safari
watching lions and gazelles
tear each other up
in a frenzy of flesh
and spermicidal lubricant.
Wouldn't you actually
rather just have sex?
What, with a gay man?
And wind up with
a vagina full of vomit?
Been there.
Oh my God, my straight-dar
just went off.
Maybe I could lose
my virginity on this trip.
Tell me what happened,
but I'm gonna stop you
if I get bored.
He doesn't want to limit
himself sexually.
How Catholic.
Miami Beach or Black Giraffe.
Which says "Look at me"
without saying "desperate for attention"?
I ordered cocktails.
I figured we'd need them.
Why, hello.
How are you?
Heterosexual.
How about you?
I am straight, yes.
I wasn't expecting
any of that here.
Well, I'm full of surprises.
- Are you flirting with me?
- Should I stop?
Only if it doesn't work.
Lilly, come on.
Sorry, I have to go feed
my gayby.
It's like cock roulette
out here.
You should have no problem
finding a rebound.
Hmm. I don't do rebounds.
Rebounds are my specialty.
- Peter?
- Casey.
I thought that was you.
What are you doing here?
I didn't know you were gay.
What are you doing here?
I didn't know you were a slut.
Oh, my God, this is crazy.
Umm. In high school, he was--
The homophobic jock?
I've seen Glee.
God, I wish.
I was fat.
- No.
- And shy.
When did you get so-- so hot?
In college.
I turned gay,
I got rid of my braces,
and I got these.
Wow.
Is that, like, a 50-pack?
Feel them.
Its like The Situation,
just without the scabies.
Oh, cool.
Is it me, or does something
smell really cummy?
So, Peter, are you single?
What's the point of coming
to a place like this
if you're not single?
Casey's single, too.
Oh, my God.
You and I are gonna get
into so much trouble.
Anyway, I gotta go meet
with a buddy
to play some strip tennis,
but tonight, sarong party.
I will find you.
I will make sure I'm findable.
So amazing seeing you, Casey.
I used to have
the biggest crush on this one.
He totally wants you
inside of--
He wants the Million Man March
inside of him.
Aw, poor thing.
Let's go get you to our room
and download some
"It Gets Better" videos.
So tell me, what are the rules
to this open relationship?
Well, we're just trying it
for the weekend,
but other than that
we don't have any rules.
You need to have rules,
or someone's gonna get hurt,
like do you kiss and tell,
three-ways only?
Is he allowed
to get punch fucked
by hairy strangers
right here in your bed?
- You know the worst part?
- STDs?
I have to compete
with my own boyfriend to meet guys,
and he'll win every time
because he's the hot one.
Now I know how Casey felt
when he was dating me.
- Well, I got good news.
- What?
I finally got the date
on my surgery.
The big one.
The lower one.
- Make a face like that again.
- Sorry.
Congratulations.
That's huge.
Way more important
than my drama.
Thank you.
So do you really think
it's going to change everything?
In my mind I know
it's just a simple procedure
and a lot of people won't
even know the difference,
but I feel like when I wake up
from this,
I'll finally be me.
- Well, then let's celebrate.
- Yes.
This weekend will be
a cock-and-ball funeral.
Let's find that straight boy
and get more drinks.
Ooh, baby.
There are so many hot guys here.
Okay, we need to lay down
some rules.
Rules?
Yeah, like no hooking up
in our bed.
Technically, it's not our bed.
Benji.
Okay, I just don't get
why you need rules.
It's our right as gay men
to make any kind
of relationship we want.
If they're not gonna let us
get married,
why should we follow
their rules?
Non-monogamy
is the ultimate political statement.
Uh, I don't see
how two dicks in your mouth
is a political statement.
We owe it to future generations.
Casey's here.
Operation Awkward.
Okay, rule number two--
No ex-boyfriends.
I'll see you later.
I'm not pathetic.
I'm having the best time
of my life,
and I am a total 7.
Hey, Zack.
Oh, wow, I love your--
Uh, chest hair.
God, I've missed you.
How're you doing?
Um, me?
I'm--
I'm great, actually.
How can you not be
with all these studs around, you know?
Yeah, lots of studs.
Oh, just throwing
themselves at me--
How could I resist?
You met someone already?
Well, I guess I'm kind
of a dick magnet.
I never thought of you
as a hook-up guy.
Oh, this wasn't just a hook up.
We-- We really
just hit it off.
Oh.
Where's your Casanova now?
He's-- He's sleeping.
Guess I wore him out.
Wow. That's great.
We should do a double date
while we're here.
Yeah. Oh, definitely.
Ah, so how are you and Benji?
Having a good time?
- The best.
- Great.
So tomorrow, brunch?
- Huh?
- Double date with your new boo?
Um, yeah.
Sure. Sure...
Awesome.
See? We can do this.
Be friends.
Friendship rocks.
- This is the perfect place to
find your meat puppet. - My what?
Some big dumb jock
who will pretend to be
in love with you
for a free brunch
and some rebound MuMa.
- MuMa?
- Mutual Masturbation.
Even I knew that.
What about... him?
Oh, he's cute.
I'd definitely MuMa him.
He's not wearing any underwear.
None of them are.
It's customary, I think.
So I can just run around
accidentally fondling
big shiny ding dongs?
I think they'd be insulted
if you didn't.
You are the hottest guy here.
Okay, okay.
You are the hottest guy here.
Is it bad that I want him
to say that to me again?
You can almost see the crabs
leaping from one torso
to the other.
- Jerry?
- In the very loose flesh.
This is Bernard, my fianc.
- Hello.
- I'm Penny, hag-in-training.
Fianc- wow.
We're getting legally married
this weekend.
What?
You haven't heard about
the Liberace Loophole?
Who's Liberace?
Think George Michael,
only sluttier.
Who's George Michael?
Think Adam Lambert,
but with plastic surgery and success.
Oh, okay.
Anyway, because of some
legislative screw-up,
there's a one hour window
in which it will be
legally permissible
for gays to marry.
We're staying over
at the Hacienda resort
and they're offering
free weddings
for any couple who wants
to take advantage of the opening.
I love to taking advantage
of openings.
As you can see,
he shares my inappropriate
and pedestrian sense of humor.
Well, I totally be
your flower girl.
Where's that strapping young
boyfriend of yours?
Um, it's-- it's a long story.
Oh, honey, what happened?
I thought you were as steady
as Barack and Michelle.
Well, he's...
here.
Gotta go.
- Youth.
- The trolls of tomorrow.
What're you doing to my dick?
Nothing.
Peter, here's the deal.
Oh, God, those abs.
Casey did a really stupid thing
and lied to his ex
that he met someone here
because he didn't want
to look like the loser
that he may very well be,
so we need you to pretend
to be Casey's boyfriend.
No way.
I'm here to get my sex on.
Please, for old time's sake?
We didn't hang out at all
in high school.
So you've got
a lot of catching up to do.
Look, I'm all
for hooking with you.
But I'm not in a place
where I can date right now,
pretend or otherwise.
Wait, you're
all for hooking up with me?
Shit.
Is this your new boyfriend?
Um...
Hi, I'm Peter.
I'm Zack.
This is my--
Benji.
Your dish towel's slipping.
Oh, yeah, it is.
Are we on for tomorrow morning?
Uh, I don't know.
Are we free
for brunch tomorrow, baby?
As long as it starts
after 3:00 p.m.
'Cause we'll be up
all night making love.
Right, lover?
Something like that,
my sweet little asshole.
Great.
Well, we're gonna go dance.
You are so buying me drinks
the rest of the weekend.
Fingers to the head,
to the toes
Like some kind of rose
Like something
you'd notice
In a room full of confusion
And illusion
and delusion
There's someone saying
something to you
But what can you do?
You're just hoping
and hoping
But a rose is just a rose
Until she's
underneath your nose
And you see her
in the room
And you smell
her perfume
What a fuss, and she's
just the one for us
You're taking it
in stride, but you know
That people you know
are beginning to notice
Your words full of confusion
and illusion and delusion
And the girl you brought
to party with you
- Have fun?
- Yeah.
Busy steam room here.
How bout you?
Yep.
Oh, really?
You met someone?
Mm...
Well, congratulations, tramp.
Hey, maybe we can get
a little threesome going?
I saw you come out of that room.
I can't believe you had
a threesome before brunch.
Oh, my God, a gay guy's acting slutty.
Call TMZ.
Just be careful, all right?
If Zack sees you with someone
who isn't me, it's all over.
Come on.
We're late for brunch.
I haven't showered.
Do I smell like sex?
Everything here smells like sex.
We should get married.
What?
They're doing those legal
weddings for one hour tomorrow.
The more gay couples who marry,
the bigger
the impact on society.
We should get married
to make a political statement.
Yesterday you wanted
to have an orgy
to make a political statement.
Now you want to get married?
What's wrong?
You've been acting like
Kristen Stewart all morning.
I'm fine.
No, I know that Zacky pout...
You wanna know what's wrong?
- I'm upset because--
- Hey, you guys.
Here we are.
Lilly, I was looking for you.
It's Penny.
Since we're the only two
straight girls here,
we should probably hang out.
Okay, but stop smiling.
You're giving me a headache.
How'd you two meet?
We go way back to high school.
I thought you said
you met yesterday.
Well, we gay met yesterday.
He never paid attention
to me in high school,
but this time...
sparks.
Sparks are what it's all about.
Right, honey?
Mm-hm.
Sparks.
Looks like they're having
a really nice time.
Are you kidding?
Okay, check out your
pigmentally challenged friend.
He has his hands all over
that Ryan Phillippe/
Kwanten/Reynolds guy,
but his eyes are on Zack.
So looks like you two can't
get enough of each other.
Oh, I know.
I mean, look at us.
We're practically making love.
Nope.
We can't keep our hands
off of each other.
Oh, my God, it's huge.
Surprises me every time.
Should you two be doing
that in public?
The sign doesn't say
public resort.
Maybe we shouldn't.
Not without kissing anyway.
Excellent idea.
Nice.
That gets me hot.
I will never truly
understand the gays.
You don't even understand
the Wheel of Fortune.
Good afternoon,
beautiful ladies.
Hello, I-- we--
Hola, Luis.
I met Luis earlier.
So did I.
Like eye contact met.
Remember?
Can I bring you
something else to drink?
Oh, I'm good. Oh.
Oh, Allow me to clean you up.
Oh, Jesus.
That is not how
a gay man touches boobs.
- I knew you were straight.
- You are correct.
Why would a straight guy
want to work here?
There are many reasons
to work here,
many beautiful reasons.
I am going to bring you
another drink.
That is who I'm giving
my virginity to.
Back off.
We flirted yesterday.
We've established something.
But he touched my breast.
Normally I would never fight
with another woman
over a man, but fuck it.
I'm bored.
It's on.
Ew.
We should do brunch
with them again.
Are you kidding?
That was awful.
Huh?
We spent the entire time
pretending to be
something we're not--
Happily monogamous.
Don't try to make me
the bad guy here.
You agreed to be open
this weekend.
You could've said no.
What possessed me
to break up with Zack
and then try to be friends
with him?
I mean, you'd think
I would've learned
from every relationship
Jennifer Aniston's ever had.
You broke up with him
because you loved him,
and you want be friends with him
because you still love him.
Unfortunately, he loves Benji.
Don't remind me.
Did you see them
all over each other today,
like horny little monkeys?
There was a lot of horny
at that table.
It doesn't count
if you're faking it,
which, I was,
except for the erection part.
Casey and Peter
don't need to an open
relationship to be happy.
They've been together
for, like, five minutes,
and I can tell Peter's
already getting bored.
Is that how long it took you
to get bored with me?
Come on.
We're in the middle of nowhere
with hot guys
we'll never see again.
We can misbehave a little.
Then back to normal at home.
Yeah, but which
is the normal you?
This one or the one back home?
Peter is boning everything
in sight.
I'm gonna get busted,
and you know what?
I'll deserve it.
You know what always helps me
when I get into
this exact situation?
An ego boost.
Oh, my God,
you look amazing.
So do you.
Come on, now.
You made Zack
fall in love with you once.
It's not like you're Marmaduke.
Look at this face...
Madonna would pay good money
for cheekbones like those.
Especially for her face.
And you're funny and smart
and all the things some
wonderful, sexy stud
is gonna see in you as soon as
you start seeing it yourself.
Well, thank you, Mother.
Momma needs you to do
something for her.
- What?
- Wait for me at the bar.
You have to protect me from Lilly
while I move in on the guy she wants.
Are you serious?
It's your turn to be my hag.
These are perfection.
I shall call it "The Lilly."
Oh, my.
So how many lonely fag hags
have you picked up here?
Not as much as you might think.
Don't give me that.
Tons of women get dragged here
by gay friends
who dump them
for poppers and handjobs.
Um, I'm right here.
Yeah, but your brain isn't.
It's in Benji's pants
or Casey's ass
or some shit like that.
It's not like that.
I just don't want Casey
to find out
about our open weekend thing.
What would happen
if Casey found out?
He'd say something like,
"You're better than being
in a relationship
that isn't working for you."
You make Casey
sound pretty smart.
But compromise is what being in
a relationship's all about, right?
I should give it a try before
throwing the whole thing away.
Well, here's your chance
to test your theory.
How's it going?
Okay.
You're great at this.
I'm Jaden.
You having fun this weekend?
Yeah, I'm liking
the peace and quiet.
Okay.
Actually,
that came out all wrong.
What I mean to say is
I'm having a great weekend...
now.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
That's so hot.
You tried the Jacuzzi yet?
Yeah.
But I could always go again.
I want to wrap my legs
around your face
like a pair of Bono sunglasses.
And then what?
Shit.
Okay.
I gotta go.
Hey, Peter,
just saw your boyfriend
heading into the bar.
I don't mess with guys
in relationships.
It's too much drama.
Okay.
Wouldn't want to compromise
your morals.
See? Drama.
Fuck.
Holy shit.
He's cheating on Zack.
Hey Zackattack,
I brought you a present.
What is he doing here?
Your boyfriend wanted
to watch us do it.
- Consider him a peace offering.
- I don't know.
- Is he too fat?
- Am I what?
No, he's perfect, but...
Come on.
Your boyfriend's
really into this.
Plus, l bet you taste delicious.
Damn, guys, that's hot.
Oh, yeah, so hot...
Are you okay?
You're kinda limp down there.
Just pretend.
Suck it.
Suck it with that pretty mouth.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, do his face.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God, I'm close.
Me, too.
Oh, so close.
Oh, Fu...
I'm gonna come.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, yeah.
That was just...
all kinds of wrong.
Now I'll try to find someone
for you to watch me with.
One Lilly.
Shit.
I can not let him see
her looking like that.
Penny, wait.
Penny.
Ay, dios mio.
Are you okay?
I think so.
Did you by any chance see me
before I fell in?
I am afraid I did not, no.
Shart.
But I am sure
you looked beautiful.
I'm so sorry, Penny.
- I didn't mean to.
- I bet you didn't.
These are yours--
Room number 4.
And...
Hormone pills?
These are your pills?
Yes, they're mine.
So what?
I get cramps.
Hey, lover.
Hi.
You know you cock-blocked me
and you weren't even
in the room.
Sorry about that.
Eh, it don't stay blocked
for long.
Pesky thing.
Hey, thanks for being
my pretend boyfriend.
I have to say this is
one of the most perverted
things I've ever done.
Did you really have a crush
on me in high school?
Absolutely.
You were so adorable.
Still are.
So, why don't you have
a boyfriend?
Maybe you haven't noticed,
but I'm kind of a slut.
I've noticed.
I'm just not the boyfriend type.
I'm definitely
the boyfriend type.
That's part of
what makes you so hot.
And why I haven't tried to go
to naked town with you.
I respect you.
That's really sweet, but...
I'd love to be
disrespected right now.
Will we ever
Will we ever get there?
Waiting on the horizon
For ships to come
There is something
to believe in again
Something's passing
through me
Like electricity
Constantly waiting
till I see you again
Running wild
I'm so sorry, Penny.
What were you thinking?
Honestly?
I didn't mean to knock you
in the pool.
I just didn't want Luis to see
you looking that good.
So you did do it on purpose.
No, I just said I didn't.
You said you didn't want him to
see me looking that gorgeous.
I didn't say gorgeous.
I can't believe I covered
for your stupid hormone pills.
That was really sweet of you.
Mind if I have them back now?
Like I told Luis,
they're mine.
You know he named
that drink after me?
It's called the Penny.
Will we ever,
will we ever get there?
Waiting on the horizon
I should tell Zack what I saw,
but he will totally hate me.
I'd wanna know if my boyfriend
was cheating on me.
Maybe they have
an open relationship.
- Really? Zack?
- I know.
So are you and Peter
a thing now?
No, it was just like,
friend sex,
really amazing friend sex.
- We're friends.
- Ew.
Please, like I'd waste my cherry
on your little pink baby corn.
What happened
with the bartender?
Hello. Have you seen
the bandage on my head?
Obviously there's
a terrible story behind it.
I wasn't sure
that was a bandage.
I mean sometimes
you dress kinda weird.
Damn, don't bruise me
before the underwear party.
They're all underwear parties.
Apparently, you can't have a wedding
without three nights of orgies.
First comes love,
then comes marriage.
But they never warn you about
the three ways in between.
I don't wanna lose
Benji over this.
- I normally love three-ways.
- Who doesn't?
I just don't want one
in my relationship.
Okay, that doesn't make
any sense.
If you fantasize about it,
why not share that
with your boyfriend?
I guess I'm over-thinking it.
I mean, last night
should have been totally hot.
Just give yourself over.
Over to what, studmuffin?
Absolute pleasure.
Last night
was just an appetizer.
Tonight...
we're having a real three-way.
I lurve you.
I lurve you, too.
It's underwear night.
Why aren't you in your panties?
I miss wearing clothes.
Well, I have plans for tonight,
so the room is free
for whatever you need to do,
say bring a certain someone
back to it and get it on?
Don't bother.
I don't plan on using it.
Then the room
will sit there empty.
Fine by me.
Come on, Casey.
This is your life.
Get out there and live it.
You make everything sound
like a Tweet from Oprah.
I forgot
how much I love ordering in.
Oh, what about this guy?
Versatile top loves group play.
Ooh, 5'1"? Sixty-nining
short guys cramps my neck.
We don't have to do this
if you don't--
Whoa, what about him?
Hmm, not my type.
How 'bout that guy?
No, thanks.
He looks 12.
He looks a hundred.
He looks like Rachel Maddow.
Whoa.
Super hot.
It says he's only looking
for friendship.
Let's see if he wants
to be our friend.
If I were
a stupid, heartless bitch,
where would I hide
someone's meds?
Casey.
Figures.
Where are they?
Ugh. Harry Potter vibrator?
I'm on
a man hunt, man hunt
I'm not looking
for the one
I'm on
a man hunt, man hunt
I didn't think finding a three-way
would be so complicated.
Well, when you're matching
three checklists
against each other,
it gets pretty elaborate.
It's a good thing
I studied calculus.
Hey, let's split up
and meet back up in 30.
See what we can rustle up
on our own?
Okay.
Then I wonder
if sometimes
I just want to be alone
I'm on
a man hunt, man hunt
I just want a night of fun
I'm on
a man hunt, man hunt...
I'm not looking
for the one...
Look, I'm just gonna be
straight-up honest
because, what the hell,
I'm never gonna see you again.
I sensed some kind of
flirtation going on between us,
and, well, I'm a virgin,
and I really don't want
to be anymore,
so if you're not busy,
can we fuck?
With condoms?
Your honesty is,
uh, sexy,
but can I be honest as well?
You're gay.
No.
I just.
I know what those pills were.
I like women, real women.
But those were...
If you honestly think
that those pills make me
any less of a woman,
then you're not nearly
enough man for me.
Wait, I-- You--
Pedomierda.
Hey, Peter.
Yeah, the bar
is three blocks down
and two blocks west.
- See ya.
- Yeah I'm a person, too, you know.
Who was that?
Who was who?
That guy
you were just hitting on.
Ugh, I don't even wanna know.
Damn it.
Face it, Penny,
you'll die a virgin.
Time for some Quidditch.
Ooh!
Where's your boyfriend?
Um...
where is yours?
Oh, um, he's picking out...
underwear.
Oh.
Hey, um.
Can we go somewhere and talk?
Yeah, sure.
Okay, um, how about my room?
I wasn't hitting on that guy.
Come on.
It was more obvious
than the dent
in Anderson Cooper's forehead.
Something's weird about
your relationship with Casey.
Excuse me, Chelsea Lately,
but you and Zack seem to be
having problems of your own.
Why do you say that?
Well, for one, look at us.
Oh.
Go for the golden snitch.
Oh.
Oh.
Shart, shart, shart.
I might get to see some gay sex.
Um, what's that?
Penny.
Ugh. It smells
like lima beans.
So there's nothing unusual
happening with you and Casey?
And there's nothing unusual
with you and Zack?
You first.
Let's go get Zack,
then find Casey,
then figure out what's going on.
Fine.
But real quick.
Much better.
Yup.
So I have to tell you something.
I saw something last night.
So did I.
Why do you think
we didn't work out?
I-- I don't know.
Um...
gay guys can't have
long term relationships?
You know that's not true.
I guess maybe because we never
tried to spice things up?
What? You wanted
an open relationship?
No.
I know we're gay,
and we're supposed to be able to make
up whatever kind of family we want,
but for me my family--
It's just gonna be one special
person standing beside me...
someone to grow old with,
even during the boring times.
I miss the boring times.
Shit, wrong room.
Hello.
What's going on, guys?
Nothing.
I don't know. It looks
awfully horny in here.
Well, what are you two
doing together?
Looking for you guys.
What were you talking about?
How to keep the spark alive.
Yeah?
How do you guys do that?
Benji was doubting our sparks.
Well, we've got sparks,
right, Zack?
I can feel some sparks
right about now, in fact.
Um, we should get ready
for the party.
I'll go first.
Well, I don't need to change
in the bathroom
if you guys don't mind.
Yeah, go ahead.
- Damn.
- Damn.
Damn.
My underwear
are back in my room.
Hey, honey,
you got some underwear
I can borrow?
Yeah, check in my suitcase.
You look great
in those trunks, Zack.
Maybe I can try them on?
Y-You wanna try mine on?
Please?
He said please.
How do they look?
- They look good.
- Real good.
Except something's poking
out of 'em.
Oh, yeah.
I see that.
It'd be hard to miss.
Um, hi.
Come here, boyfriend.
Zack and I were...
Have never had break-up sex.
Ow.
That's hot.
Is this what you wanted?
Or this?
What's that?
Air conditioning?
Works for me.
Stay here.
Where's the condoms?
Over here.
Shh.
Get back up here, Casey.
Oh. Yes, sir.
So, who's doing who?
Whom.
Yeah, Zack.
Who's doing who?
Whom.
Well...
I think I wanna do...
I've had it.
What grabbed me.
There's a monster under the bed!
What the hell?
- What's going on?
- Hi.
And what were you doing
under there?
I was just masturbating.
I don't know what she was doing.
I was looking for my
medication this bitch stole.
Then you guys came in and started
playing Human Centipede.
This is too messy for me.
You're part of this mess.
No, he's not.
Zack...
Peter and I aren't boyfriends.
We never were.
What?
I didn't want you
to feel sorry for me,
that you had
a boyfriend and I didn't,
so I asked Peter to pretend
that we were dating.
I knew it.
Well, not that,
but I knew something.
- I'm sorry.
- I should've known.
Everything you do involves
a giant conspiracy.
You should've just have been
honest with him.
That's priceless
coming from you, Benji.
I saw him bring a guy back
into your room last night.
That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
- I can bring back whoever I want.
- Whomever.
'Cause Zack and I are
in an open relationship.
An open...?
I-- I didn't know.
Benji wanted us
to give it a try.
But why didn't...?
Wait a minute.
You're giving me
a hard time for lying,
when you've been lying about your
perfect relationship all along?
Fuck you.
Well, we're better
than you and I ever were.
Benji, c'mon.
These are the gays of our lives.
I cannot believe him.
When is he gonna grow up?
And you, what was that?
I'm sorry.
Maybe I can make it up to you?
Yeah, it's mostly political,
but I wanna make a statement...
with you.
We're not perfect,
but what couple is?
Marry me.
Tomorrow...
while it's legal.
Marry me.
Are you serious?
Fine.
That's so romantic.
So what am I so afraid of
If it's just you?
But, baby,
you're hot and cold
And maybe
you'll never know
Just what you want me to
Everything
I need you to say
Didn't talk
'cause I was so afraid
Everything
I need you to hear
Didn't talk
'cause I'm my latest fear
Hey.
Hop in.
Everything's better
after a Jacuzzi.
How're you feeling?
Like I just sat through the
first three Twilight movies.
That bad, huh?
Hey, I'm sorry about getting
you mixed up in all this.
It's okay.
This definitely makes
my top-ten kinky list.
And it was fun hanging out
with you.
And you know what?
You are a great kisser.
And you are packin'
the goods down there.
Thanks.
Zack's right, you know.
Every time I want to get
close to him, I just lie.
What is wrong with me?
Deep-seated insecurity.
Well how can I not have that
when I don't look like you?
Oh stop using the you're-better-looking-than-me
as a crutch, Casey.
We've all got shit
we're insecure about.
And what are you insecure about?
- Hmm...
- See?
I'm playin'.
Of course I'm insecure.
I'm insecure
that I spend so much time
trying to get laid
that I'll pass up
on a good opportunity
when something
meaningful comes my way.
I'm insecure that I can't
commit to a relationship ever.
And when I finally do,
once the sex with me
gets boring,
I won't have enough to offer.
And I'm insecure that my arms
aren't big enough.
My legs are too skinny.
- My hair is thin--
- Okay, shut up.
When we get back to the city,
we should hang out,
I want to go to bars,
meet some guys
now that I'm finally accepting
that Zack and I are over.
Yeah, I heard
about their wedding.
What?
You feel any better yet?
I feel like Mel Gibson
at the Museum of Tolerance.
Let's keep trying.
Here's what's really jacked.
I miss him.
The bean pole?
Yeah. That's why I wanted
to be friends with him.
On paper we're totally wrong
for each other.
He's all dorky
and self conscious.
He likes Gaga more than Madonna,
and he actually laughs
at clowns.
But...
But his goofy smile
just slays me every time.
He loves old movies.
We always order
the same thing on the menu.
And he always means well,
even when he's lying.
And from what I saw,
he's hung like
The Incredible Hulk.
Yeah, skinny guys
never fail to surprise.
And he's not
into open relationships.
I don't know.
Ask yourself something.
Why are talking about Casey
when you're about marry Benji?
- You look so good.
- You look so good.
Oh, it's our flower girl.
You can be my something blue.
Very funny.
Darlin', what's wrong?
Did Kathy Griffin
get another face-lift?
Zack's getting married.
Our Zack?
And he's in
an open relationship.
Oh, I hate his guts.
Oh, come now, there's too much
hate in the world already.
- You don't hate Zack.
- I know.
Maybe this is life giving you
one of those teachable moments
they're always talking about
on CNN.
Maybe you can put
a little more love
back in the world
by supporting Zack.
Are you kidding me?
I don't wanna see him get
married
to some guy who's not me.
But this isn't about you.
This is about someone you love.
And even though Zack
might not know it,
he needs your friendship.
Are you gonna be there for him?
Truce?
How did you know
I was behind you?
Transsexual sense.
We all have it.
You do?
Yeah, TSP.
So truce?
Truce.
What's the catch?
I think our fight
is actually pretty stupid.
It's just that since Jason,
I act like I'm confident
and I can find another
boyfriend whenever I want,
but...
- I'm scared.
- You and me both.
Oh, come on.
You have a natural born vagina.
Just lay it out on plate,
and men come crawling.
But my personality
scares them off.
I wish I was more like you.
I can't believe a cis woman
just said that to me.
A what?
A non-transsexual.
Oh..
Buenos Dias, ladies.
He's all yours.
Oh, I'm mad at him.
It is hot today, isn't it?
God, it's hard to stay mad
at him.
Is he flirting with you or me?
He's playing with both of us.
I guess teasing gay boys
isn't enough.
He has to get us women
to fight each other, too.
Let's go put that sexy
bastard in his place.
- You've got balls.
- That's not funny.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
I meant in the same way I do.
Just fucking with you.
I know what you meant.
And do you,
Rick, promise to love Steve
for as both as you
long shall live?
- Well, duh.
- Great.
Congratulations.
So you heard.
Yeah.
I'm sorry that I lied to you.
I'm sorry, too.
Are you excited
for your wedding?
I don't know.
We're just getting married
to make a political statement.
I always pictured
a big beautiful wedding.
What, you in white?
Sunflowers everywhere.
A choir singing Ray of Light.
We'd write our own vows.
Aw, and they'd make us
cry when we read 'em.
And when the minister pronounced
us husband and husband...
We'd do a choreographed dance
to "Umbrella."
With umbrellas.
I-- I didn't mean we.
I meant you.
Do you do you need a best man?
What? Are you serious?
I know I haven't always
been the best man,
but...
I came here to tell you
that I want you in my life,
even if it is just
as your best man.
I get why you did it.
You wanted the best for me.
It's what best men do.
So does that mean I can do it?
But this isn't my real wedding.
Casey?
It's time.
This is his room.
So what's the plan?
I thought you had a plan?
That's because you're stupid.
Wait. What if he's
with someone?
You're right.
We should break in.
- What are you doing?
- Shh.
Come on, Luis.
Are you scared to face up
to the consequences
of the way you treat women?
I spy with my little eye
something that begins
with pussy.
I not scared.
I am naked.
Oh, my.
You are.
He's butt naked and circumcised.
Congratulations.
You can read.
What are you doing here?
You've been playing us against
each other this whole weekend.
Leading us on.
Naming the same drink
after both of us.
Ogling our bosoms.
What's the matter with you?
I sorry.
I just like the attention,
but I'm harmless.
You see,
no women will ever have me
because of my...
problem.
What problem?
Oh, Penny, I should not have
been so quick to judge you.
You are right.
It is not your anatomy that
makes you a beautiful woman.
So what, you're trans now?
I was trying to do
the right thing.
- Those were not your pills?
- No, they're mine,
and how is stealing
my identity the right thing?
Well, I guess you
had to be there.
It doesn't matter who is what.
You are both beautiful women.
And like so many beautiful
and cruel women before,
neither of you will have me
once you have seen my problem.
What's you're goddamned
problem already?
I was born with a tail.
Born with a what?
Whoa.
My mother, she thought
it was a sign from God,
so she made the doctors keep it,
and now that I am grown,
it is too dangerous
for them to take it out.
Because of this tail,
women scream
and I never make love.
I just flirt.
I kind of know exactly
where you're coming from.
So now what?
To be honest,
I'm having some really trashy
thoughts right now.
Me, too.
What is happening?
I don't think they have
a name for this in Spanish.
- No way.
- Not happening.
Let's just keep you
in the middle.
Maravillosa.
Quick question--
Can that thing get hard?
Jerry, you're the Aladdin
to my Jasmine,
the Weasley to my Hermione,
and the Brad to my Angelina
if they're still together.
Oh, Bernard,
I once loved someone and set him free.
He slept with a meth head
and ran off with a hairdresser.
Of course he did.
So now I'm gonna tie you down
while I can, okay?
You two are next.
We've assigned witnesses
unless you have
friends or family here.
Yeah, my best man
is their flower girl.
- Oh, but...
- But what?
Oh, my...
That means you two
are the ex and new boyfriend
he was so intimidated by?
- He told you?
- He told someone.
I just have really good hearing.
So he's gonna help
you guys get married?
Guys that good
are really hard to find.
Yeah, they are.
Love is never easy.
We won't always understand
each other.
We won't even like
each other some days,
but no matter what,
you're a part of me.
My heart is connected to yours,
and no argument, no document,
and certainly no court ruling
is ever going to change that.
And now, by the power
vested in me--
- Can we kiss already?
- Please, please.
So now I've had sex.
How does it feel?
It was good...
but not as good as cheesecake.
It never is.
There will be cheesecake
at the wedding reception.
The wedding.
Those old farts
sure took their time.
Okay, we've got five minutes
before the legal marriage
loophole closes.
You two ready?
Ready.
Aah, wait.
My tail is stuck.
Okay, we are here
to join Zachary and Benjamin
in rapid matrimony.
Marriage is a contract
that should not be entered into
lightly, blah, blah, blah,
we gotta hurry this up if you
guys wanna do this in time,
so does anyone object?
Anyone?
Someone objects.
Oh, God, her?
No. Sorry.
I wasn't--
Not forever holding my peace.
Okay, so do you Zachary
take Benjamin to be your lawfully
wedded partner for life?
I...
I...
Can I talk to you?
Yeah, sure by all means,
please do.
You've got several seconds.
We can't do this.
You don't even love me.
No, but I lurve you.
We're evolving,
and this is just a legal
procedure, that's it.
I know it is, for you.
That's not what marriage is
to me.
I'm not fighting
for the right to make
a political statement.
I'm asking my country
to recognize me
for who I am
and the family I want to make,
and this isn't it.
Are you saying you don't want
to make a family with me?
I guess I am.
I mean, I lurve you...
but...
I love somebody else.
You've always been there.
It's always been you.
It's always been you.
I just I didn't realize it...
Until now.
One minute.
One minute.
I'm really sorry.
Go ahead, kiss him.
You were my best friend,
then my boyfriend,
and then my best man,
- and now--
- Thirty seconds.
Is somebody going
to get married or what?
What a day it's been.
What a life it's going to be.
One Penny.
Ooh.
And one Lilly.
Thank you, Luis.
We're gonna miss you, Luis.
Oh, you will forget me
once you leave this place.
- Never.
- Probably.
Hm.
So how do you feel
now that you're a woman?
Not that different than before.
Just a little more...
I don't know, powerful.
I'll be asking you the same
question in a few weeks.
And you'll probably
get the same answer.
To a beautiful weekend.
To two beautiful women.
Cheers.
Shall we?
You're awful frisky
for a jilted groom.
Hey, it sucks to break up,
but that's
why they invented rebounds.
Rebounds are my specialty.
And three-ways--
Those are my specialty.
For a second there I thought
we were gonna get married.
I know.
So did I.
Can you imagine?
Well, yeah.
Me, too.
So we both love each other.
So now what?
You mean what if
we get bored again?
Yeah.
I guess
we could always break up.
And then lie, trick,
and seduce our way
back into each other's hearts.
Sounds like a plan.
We are so weird.
So I asked for love
I asked for a song
- And there'll be joy
- There'll be joy
- Joy
- There'll be joy
Joy
I searched for peace
I begged for health
- And I Prayed for time
- Prayed for time
- And there'll be joy
- There'll be joy
- Joy
- There'll be joy
Joy
I searched for peace
I begged for health
And I prayed for time
Prayed for time
- And there'll be joy
- There'll be joy
- Joy
- There'll be joy
Joy
Took a walk alone today
First time
I'd seen the sun
The oceans, every blade
of grass, and I
We all live as one
Two birds
in a yellowwood tree
I wish our love
would always be
I've seen
the works of heaven
But it took your love
to set me free
I've seen the wonders
of the world
Stood on mountains
green and tall
Seen kingdoms
rise and fall
All for love and war
Yet I yearn to understand
The amazement in my hands
There's nothing
on this land
Like you
You
Amaze me
Thought about
how you made me see
And how the colors
came to life in me
When I saw a butterfly
Dance upon destiny
And I watched it
rise up and fly
It was then
I saw you and I
I feel
like a little child
On its first breath
of life
I've seen the wonders
of the world
Stood on mountains
green and tall
Seen kingdoms
rise and fall
All for love and war
Yet I yearn to understand
The amazement in my hands
There's nothing
on this land
Like you
Oh, oh, oh
You
Amaze me
Yeah, yeah, whoa...
When I count
the compromises
Showed me like... inside
And I saw you
I've seen the wonders
of the world
Stood on mountains
green and tall
Seen kingdoms
rise and fall
All for love and war
Yet I yearn to understand
The amazement in my hands
There's nothing
on this land
Like you
There's nothing
on this land
Like you
You
Amaze me
You are 10 kinds of sexy.
How do you feel
about open relationships?
Intrigued.
Do you maybe want
to go out on a date?
I'd like that.
Can I come?
Just kidding.
I'm a Republican Congressman.
Can you imagine if that got out?
Do you like what you see?
I keep entertaining
Why won't you let me be?
Me be?
Me be?
So what
am I supposed to do?
To do business with you?
I like your company
Your company
Your company
Keep it professional
Keep it
Keep it professional
Extra! Extra!
Read all about it
Keep it professional...
Extra, extra, extra
Read all about it