Eismayer (2022) Movie Script
1
Next.
Name?
Orth.
Report to the sentry.
Yes, sir!
Next.
Name.
Strobl.
Report to the sentry.
Next!
Name?
Derusio.
Name?
Derusio.
Speak up!
Derusio.
There you go.
Next.
Name?
Gruber.
Left. Guards.
Next.
Name?
Schuster.
Drug test?
Negative.
Red eyes?
Did you party too long last night?
No, no.
Next.
Name?
Nagl.
Drug test?
Positive.
That's what I thought.
Next.
Name?
Kren.
Next.
Name?
Bauer.
Left, to the Guards.
Yes, sir.
Next.
Report to the sentry.
Next.
Mario Falak.
Did I ask your name yet?
Name?
Mario Falak.
Not the youngest anymore, eh?
Where have you been hiding?
My mommy wouldn't let me go.
Very funny.
Classic case for Eismayer,
don't you think?
Left, to the Guards.
Have fun.
Thank you.
Next.
Based on true events
Bad breath?
What?
Do you have bad breath?
Just trying to avoid drillmaster Eismayer.
And why the toothpaste?
Didn't you go to school?
Sure.
A toothpaste fever
is your ticket to the sickbay.
Why are you so scared of him?
Yeah, fuck Eismayer.
We'll see who's
laughing tomorrow.
You haven't heard the stories?
Once during a drill the dude
nuked a cow
with a fucking bazooka.
He's a total psychopath.
He's a walking corpse.
He's had a thousand cancers.
Cancers? Moron.
He won't even die.
Once he even killed a recruit.
Made him do push-ups
in the shower.
Cold, warm, cold, warm,
cold, warm.
Guy died of a heart attack.
Yeah, right.
He'll fuck you for breakfast.
Uh huh.
Yeah.
What's going on here?
Why are the lights still on?
Line up in front of your bunks.
Let's go!
Get up.
Everyone in the room, line up, move it!
All men, on my command.
Attention!
Open lockers for inspection.
You heard him.
Inspection, open your lockers.
Move, hop to it!
Chopchop!
Not aligned.
This is all sloppy.
And your shirts,
mommy folds them at home, right?
Yes.
Shoeshine shit!
What was wrong with it?
Excuse me?
Is there a problem?
I was just asking what was wrong.
Why?
What was...
Don't you get when to shut up?
60 push-ups.
Today in class you learned
how to render courtesy.
Didn't you?
What did you do there?
Jerk each other off?
Are you funny?
Maybe he didn't get it
because he's a foreigner.
Get up.
I'm only at 24.
I said get up!
Are you a retard,
Recruit Ali Baba?
Sergeant Major, sir,
Recruit Falak reports: my name is Falak.
He's a fast learner.
Eyes front.
Are you an intelligent Ali Baba?
Yes, Sergeant Major, sir.
Organize lockers.
Five minutes.
Yes, Sergeant Major, sir.
You heard him:
organize your lockers.
Five minutes.
Charlie.
Hey, you're still up?
I'm watching a movie.
What are you watching?
Jungle Camp.
Who's the champ at jungle camp?
You're watching that crap?
When are you coming?
Something came up,
I've gotta stay here.
Did something happen?
Nothing serious,
but I gotta stay, like it or not.
Well, see you tomorrow.
Kisses.
Bye.
Alright, gentlemen, the next six months
won't be fun.
They'll be tough.
But this is the cream of the crop.
The Fourth Guards Company
I don't give a shit if your daddy is a CEO
or a Yugo.
I care about performance.
The choice is yours.
You're a slacker?
I will destroy you.
I will crush you into tiny pieces.
Or
You perform.
Then I'll wipe your asses.
I'll fucking wipe your asses
if you perform.
What's wrong Schober? Need a shit?
No, Staff Sergeant, I'm sick.
Staff Sergeant.
Recruit Buresch reports.
I got it from him.
Use a rubber when practicing
comradely intercourse.
Schober, breathe on me.
You call that
breathing on me, Schober, huh?
I need you to breathe on me
nice and hard.
Let's go, breathe on me.
Buresch,
you too,
breathe on me. Go on.
I'm only going to say this once.
If one of you assholes
eats toothpaste
or deliberately makes himself
unfit for service in any other way,
then, I swear,
I'm gonna go postal!
And now the good news.
In the Guards Battalion
nobody gets left behind.
We are the Fourth Guards Company!
We represent our army!
Heya-heya-heya-ho!
Put me down. I'll manage.
Dude!
You're such assholes.
Stop!
You're gonna pay for this, I swear.
Having a gout attack
or what's wrong?
Sergeant Major, sir,
I have a stabbing pain...
Dead.
On the ground, dead man!
On the ground, what's wrong?
Completely dead.
I said completely dead!
Honor Guard!
Order arms!
Honor Guard!
Right shoulder arms!
Come in.
Honor Guard. Order arms!
What is it?
Sergeant Major.
No. Come in.
Stand there.
And now report correctly.
Sir, Recruit Weber reports
you are to report to
Captain Karnaval immediately.
Boy, say "immediately"
to me again
and I'll whack you.
Yes sir, Sergeant Major!
Sergeant Major.
Captain.
Alright, let's cut to the chase.
Hard-asses like you are why
no one wants to join the army.
That's a problem.
All they have to do is follow the rules.
Your rules.
This isn't the 80s or the 90s,
and I won't tolerate it.
It's time you accept that.
Hey!
Dad!
Hey, big guy, what's up?
Look.
Wow.
What's that?
A family portrait.
No.
They're monsters.
Great.
Who's hungry for
Schinkenfleckerl?
Yay, Schinkenfleckerl!
Look at this funny bird on here.
Niki, go wash your hands please.
I already did.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
You didn't.
I did.
Wash your hands. Chopchop.
After dinner I'll show
you what I found, ok?
We need to book fast,
before the seats are gone.
Do you know when your vacation is?
Can we do it tomorrow?
I have to go back to the
barracks today.
What am I supposed to do?
Can you put some water on, please?
You promised.
We'll book tomorrow, okay?
Okay?
Does anyone know
where we're going?
We're going to war.
Moron.
Alright!
Fourth Guards Company, dismount!
Are you crazy? Who gave you
permission to drive up here?
Don't get worked up,
it's bad for your blood pressure.
Eismayer.
I need you like a hole in the head.
Marder, show them their quarters.
Alright, gentlemen. Get going!
Take your gear to
the quarters, over there.
What's with you, Dopey?
March.
Take cover!
Second element,
close ranks with the first!
Prepare to leap.
Leap! Charge!
Take cover!
Keep your heels glued to the ground.
A sniper will blow them off
from 300 meters away.
Prepare to leap!
Leap! Charge!
Take cover!
I'm not tired.
Brush your teeth and then
you can watch one episode.
But only one. Okay?
Really?
Mom! Dad said I can
watch another episode.
Bye!
Byebye!
Bye-bye!
Byebye!
Hello.
Hi.
How's it going?
Fine. Same as always.
Hold on a sec.
Don't touch me, you faggot.
Oooh.
Son of a bitch!
Call my mother a bitch again
and I'll kill you.
Fucking faggot!
Falak, enough!
Marder, report.
Sergeant Major, sir,
I just told him not to use
all the warm water.
And then he tells...
What?!
To join him in the shower.
Is that true?
Yes, so what?
He even had a boner.
Outside in full combat gear
in five minutes.
You're running a lap of honor, Falak.
Yes, sir.
Lap of honor.
We are the Fourth Guards Company!
We represent our army!
I said full combat gear!
No matter how fast a tank runs,
it always gets hit by our artillery guns!
To your rooms! Dismantle
arms and clean them until taps.
If you freeze to death,
I'll kill you, Falak!
Fairies never freeze,
Sergeant Major, sir.
You pretentious asshole!
Falak!
I'd never have guessed he was a faggot.
Falak!
Hey, you jerk!
But now that I know...
The army's no place for fags.
It's like putting a pedophile
into a kindergarten.
Let's go!
Any of you sissys can't swim?
Very good.
Any chickenshits?
Anyone allergic to water?
What's wrong?
Good.
Put on your climbing harnesses.
You heard him, boys.
Backpacks off, harnesses on.
Let's go, move it!
And help each other.
What do you think,
how far down is it?
Come on Falak, your turn.
Come on, Mario!
Come on, Falak!
What's the problem?
Sir, I'm not going.
What do you mean?
Are you fucking with me again?
You're crossing over now.
I can't do it.
How's it going on the other side?
Fuck off, Striegl!
Come on Falak,
don't shit your pants.
Falak, if you don't
cross over now,
you'll always be the chickenshit faggot.
You realize that, right?
Falak, what's it gonna be?
You want that?
Come on, Falak, come!
You can do it.
Come on now. Falak.
Come on, Mario!
You can do it, Mario!
You're doing great.
Just don't look down, Falak.
Just step onto the rope.
Mario, do it! Come on!
Go on!
Falak!
Fuck this.
Are you crazy? Falak!
You're a hero now.
March!
Halt!
Come in.
Recruit Weber reports that
Captain Karnaval wants to
see you in his office.
Sergeant Major,
please, take a seat.
Hello Charles.
Hello Kurt.
Recuperated?
Thank you.
Very well.
We'll take the minutes
at this meeting.
This is about the incident
during field exercises
at the Seethal Alps training area.
Parties involved:
Sergeant Major Charles Eismayer
and Recruit Mario Falak.
Please tell us what happened
in your own words.
We followed our
route as scheduled,
but then...
No, I don't mean your stunt.
I'm talking about the incident
on December 17
at 9:30 pm.
Eyewitnesses say
you pushed Recruit Falak
brutally against the wall and then
sent him naked into open terrain.
Please describe
the incident
from your own perspective.
Corporal Mader and Recruit Falak
started to fight.
The situation escalated,
which is why I
briefly pinned Recruit Falak
against the wall.
And what happened then?
Nothing?
Then Recruit Falak
ran out naked.
But against my orders.
Sergeant Major, do you know
what led to the fight?
No.
You don't know.
Excuse me for being blunt,
but have you got something
against homosexuals?
Excuse me for intervening.
Scratch that question
from the records.
With all due respect, Colonel, but
Recruit Falak outs himself and then
he is sent naked...
It was insubordination.
And later it's the same recruit whose
carabiner opens.
What do you want from me?
Gentlemen, let's all
calm down again.
After all, nothing happened,
well, nothing serious.
Everybody is fine.
Our instructors
are in the newspapers.
"Heroic Rescue"
And as far as I know, Falak did not
file a complaint, right?
No.
Well then,
it's all good.
Case closed,
let's have lunch.
Bon apptit.
You were brave, Charlie.
Captain.
Sergeant Major.
You're walking in a minefield.
One false step...
And boom.
Honor Guard, at my command!
Attention!
Shoulder one!
Two!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Stop!
Out of my way!
Listen up, you slackers.
The object of this exercise is
a simultaneous shouldering.
The unisono, hard thud
when positioning the rifle.
This here sounds like whores
playing with their beef curtains.
I want to see one decent shouldering.
Then you'll be dismissed
for the weekend.
Perfect unity, just once.
Honor Guard, on my command!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Too sluggish!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Three!
Three!
Three!
Nagl, what's wrong?
Sir...
Are you in love with me?
You want my picture?
Eyes front!
So, Nagl, what's wrong?
I can't move my arm, sir.
It's always something.
This hurts, that's too tight.
I can't do this,
I don't like that.
I just want one fucking
simultaneous shouldering.
Or is that asking too much?
One more mistake and your parents
get a letter saying:
"He died for his fatherland."
Arms!
Tempo three!
What's wrong?
Where have you been?
At the barracks.
I called there.
They said you had already left.
Where were you?
Charlie?
I'm going to Maria's.
I want Daddy to come, too.
What's the score?
40 days more!
Cheers!
Dammit!
What's he doing here?
One of these days, I swear,
I want to see him really get burned.
You know what I heard?
That the guy is, sorry, a fag.
Yeah sure.
Really? Yes.
The Eismayer?
There are some recruits
who he has literally fucked.
If you do things properly,
he leaves you alone.
I think he's tough but fair.
A hundred euros
if you go give him a kiss.
I dare you.
You are so stupid.
If you do that...
If you give Eismayer a kiss,
fuck it, I'll give you
my entire month's pay.
Now that's an offer...
Yeah, alright, me too!
What about you, stingy?
Oh man. Alright, I'm in, let's go.
Is he crazy?
Falak, don't be stupid.
What is it, Falak?
Recruit Falak reports
he wants to give you a kiss.
I beg your pardon?
It's a bet.
If I give you a kiss,
I'll get five month's pay.
We can split fifty-fifty.
Whose terrific idea was this?
Yeah,
that's what I thought.
Well, then I'm getting a kiss
from each of you.
Except you, Falak,
I'm afraid you'll have to watch.
Yes, sir.
Right here.
Ew!
That guy's a psychopath, right?
I hate to say it
but that was pretty gay.
Easy for you to say.
Come in.
Sergeant Major, sir, Recruit
Falak reports as ordered.
You want to enlist?
Yes, Sergeant Major, sir.
Why?
What do you mean, why?
I assume you know
why you want to join the army.
Why do you ask...
Rest! Or I kill you.
Eyes front.
Do you ask because I'm a Yugo
or because I'm gay?
Different matter:
I hear you're good with
electronic stuff.
Is that right?
Yes, sir.
I need someone to hook up my TV.
My address. Tonight,
when you get off duty.
That's all. Bye.
Sargent Major, sir,
Recruit Falak signs off.
Yes?
Sergeant Major, sir.
Second floor, the door's open.
Shoes off, I just mopped the floor.
Don't.
Sit.
You hungry?
I made dinner.
Meat loaf.
I have beer, too, if you want.
What about the TV?
Eat first, work later.
I'm actually not really hungry.
Of course you're hungry.
Beer?
Yes, Sergeant Major, sir.
Charles.
In here you'll call me Charles.
Charles?
Dude, you want your ears boxed?
Cheers.
Cheers.
You won't make it to the
barracks tonight, you'll stay here.
I'll write you a permit
and deal with the duty officer.
Okay?
Good night.
Night.
Towel's in the bathroom.
Where's my spring?
Who the fuck has my spring?
Falak, is there a problem?
Someone stole my spring.
Has anyone seen Mr. Falak's spring?
No.
Suck my dick!
Falak, halt!
What's wrong?
Nothing.
The guys just
teased him a little bit.
Then he flipped out
because this time
he wasn't the fastest.
It's probably his time
of the month.
You have nothing under control!
So, have you calmed down?
Why do they give me a hard time?
You give them a hard time.
You're currently at the top
of the asshole list.
Mario, you can only be effective
if you're in control of yourself.
To be in control you need order
in your locker, head and body.
You understand?
But I'm faster.
Mario!
I know I can be faster.
Stop talking.
Just do it!
Mom, stop, stop, stop!
There's the swing.
Yes.
Come.
Come, let's go.
Come!
Are you coming?
You go on ahead,
we'll be right behind you.
I bat for the other team.
What?
I'm gay.
Always have been.
You know what my mom said back then?
Just don't talk about it.
It will pass.
Father never looked me
in the eye again.
'Til the day he died.
They sent me to the military.
To Hierzberger.
"To make a man out of you,
Charlie."
When my brother set us up...
I was so fascinated by you.
That you took an interest in me.
I really thought I was healed.
Daddy, come on already!
Come on!
Guys.
Guys!
Since it's your last day,
when you get off duty,
you'll strip the beds
and clear the lockers.
Turn your weapon
and your other gear in to the sarge.
Your piss-soaked sheets,
I'm not gonna name names, Polat,
you take to the laundry.
At 5 this afternoon down
at the field
we'll have a barbecue.
Here's Colonel Hierzberger
to tell you more.
All rise!
Attention!
Thank you!
No report necessary.
Sit down, gentlemen.
Sergeant Major Eismayer
sends his apologies.
He has cancer.
But he wrote this letter,
which I will read to you now.
"To conscription squad 12:
Don't think you
were the last squad
to survive Eismayer.
I'll be back.
Furthermore, let it be known
that all in all
you were pretty decent.
Some of you even
have promising futures.
Having said that,
have a helluva party!"
Gentlemen,
gentlemen,
I wish you all the best!
Hello!
Hello.
Hi.
Wow, you look horrible.
What are you doing here?
What does it look like?
How are you?
I feel like shit.
I signed the enlistment documents.
It's official,
I'll be a career soldier.
Sergeant Berger said,
if a Yugo like me enlists,
he wants to get discharged.
Uh oh, you're puking again?
I have all the documents
for the entrance exam, too.
But I'm totally clueless.
You think you can help me?
Yes.
Get lost.
I'll throw this out.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
You've got a handsome boy.
What's important now
is that you work out.
The better your circulation,
the tougher it is for the cancer cells.
Follow me.
You'll work out every day.
For at least an hour.
Record your reps here.
And no nagging, or no shagging.
Hey.
No elevator. Take the stairs.
Mario, please. Give me a break.
Come on, Charles, let's go.
Chop-chop.
I hate you.
I just got the
delivery confirmation.
The bed is coming tomorrow.
You'll be home in the morning, right?
You okay?
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Nothing.
Are you giving up?
Asshole.
Charles.
Quitting is for losers.
Carry on!
Yes, sir, keeping it up.
6 months later
Honor Guard, forward
- march!
- Step
two.
Left step!
Left!
Left.
Two.
Listen to her purr!
Flawless!
Engine stop!
Well, what do you say,
Sergeant Major?
They're being decommissioned,
so I reserved five.
It's amazing, you can
take them apart with a single wrench.
If necessary, of course.
You're back already?
Shouldn't you be in rehab?
I got released early
for good conduct.
I see.
I read your medical certificate.
It says
I am no longer allowed to employ
you as an instructor.
So here's the plan:
Our current sarge is retiring.
I think this position is
right up your alley.
And your physical impairment
will not interfere.
Captain, sir, that's not possible.
It is possible.
Believe it or not,
the world keeps turning
even without Eismayer.
Dismissed.
Mario?
Hajde, hajde, Sergeant Major, sir.
Do come in.
Nutcase.
What is it?
I got in.
I'm going to be an officer!
I'm going to the military academy!
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
The military academy!
Congratulations.
I got in.
The military academy!
Based on the applicant's achievement
he is hereby accepted to the academy.
Charles Eismayer and Falak.
We rule the army.
He passed the exam
and is going to the military academy.
Dude.
Mario.
Yes.
What?
Don't shit your pants.
What, "Don't shit my pants"?
I'm gonna be an officer.
Eismayer and Falak.
The two faggots in the army.
- TODAY 8 PM FERRIS WHEEL!
- WEAR SOMETHING NICE!
Fuck...
The Ferris Wheel? Seriously?
Yes, seriously.
You look good.
Thanks.
On the mark please.
Come here.
Smile.
I'll send the photo via e-mail.
Yes.
If she puts that online,
I kill her.
Yes, relax.
You know I
don't drink sparkling wine.
Grin and bear it.
To us.
No.
To you!
Again, congratulations!
Remember when you came to
our room that first night?
I thought to myself: What a
fucking dictator.
You gonna push me
out of the cable car now?
They're cut from a 20 mm
anti-aircraft cartridge.
Try it on.
Sometimes I really think
you're retarded.
How do you think this will play out?
You become an officer,
and we get married at the barracks?
I apply for leave with Karnaval,
and we spend our honeymoon in Dubai,
stoning included?
Mario.
The world doesn't work
the way your gay brain imagines it.
I see.
Do you refuse to understand
or are you just too stupid?
You know what I understand?
That you're the chickenshit faggot,
not me.
Fourth Company, on my command.
Attention!
Right face!
Double time to board, march!
Presenting arms works mighty fine!
It gives us drive and a heart.
Which company?
Fourth Company!
Call the guard,
don't let the convoy leave the barracks.
Hey dipstick,
are you sneaking off
without saying goodbye?
No, I didn't know...
Just joking.
Are they psyched?
Totally. Raring to go.
It's a great bunch.
Great.
Is Falak with them?
Yes, second truck, why?
Give me a minute.
A minute.
Corporal Falak.
Here!
Come here.
Sergeant Major, sir,
Corporal Falak reports as ordered.
Good luck!
Drive!
Hello.
Hello.
Your son wants to see you.
How's school?
You like it?
Yes.
And the teacher, is she nice?
Yes.
Great.
Why don't you like Mom anymore?
What? Who said that?
Of course I like Mom.
Mom says, you like
men more than women.
She says, you probably already have
a boyfriend.
I like boys more than girls, too.
The girls in my class
are kind of stupid.
My friends are
Emir, Arthur, and Denial.
But my very best
friend is Louis,
he's really cool.
And what's your friend's name?
Are the keys inside?
Yes.
And after some back and forth,
everyone chipped in,
and for 350 schillings
she gave us all blow jobs
at the same time.
I hope your guys' dicks
didn't touch, huh?
If I were you, Falak,
I'd shut the fuck up.
First Platoon, Fourth Company...
It's alright. Sit down.
Sit down.
Mario, it's just wonderful with you.
And I'm not just talking
about the sex.
Everything.
Mario, I want you.
In my life. Everywhere.
What's that supposed to mean?
You wanna marry me?
And we'll spend our honeymoon in Dubai?
Stoning included.
20 mm anti-aircraft cartridge.
Carry on.
On January 31, 2014, Charles Eismayer
and Mario Falak officially entered
a civil union
at the Maria Theresien Barracks.
Both were still
in active duty at the time of filming.
Next.
Name?
Orth.
Report to the sentry.
Yes, sir!
Next.
Name.
Strobl.
Report to the sentry.
Next!
Name?
Derusio.
Name?
Derusio.
Speak up!
Derusio.
There you go.
Next.
Name?
Gruber.
Left. Guards.
Next.
Name?
Schuster.
Drug test?
Negative.
Red eyes?
Did you party too long last night?
No, no.
Next.
Name?
Nagl.
Drug test?
Positive.
That's what I thought.
Next.
Name?
Kren.
Next.
Name?
Bauer.
Left, to the Guards.
Yes, sir.
Next.
Report to the sentry.
Next.
Mario Falak.
Did I ask your name yet?
Name?
Mario Falak.
Not the youngest anymore, eh?
Where have you been hiding?
My mommy wouldn't let me go.
Very funny.
Classic case for Eismayer,
don't you think?
Left, to the Guards.
Have fun.
Thank you.
Next.
Based on true events
Bad breath?
What?
Do you have bad breath?
Just trying to avoid drillmaster Eismayer.
And why the toothpaste?
Didn't you go to school?
Sure.
A toothpaste fever
is your ticket to the sickbay.
Why are you so scared of him?
Yeah, fuck Eismayer.
We'll see who's
laughing tomorrow.
You haven't heard the stories?
Once during a drill the dude
nuked a cow
with a fucking bazooka.
He's a total psychopath.
He's a walking corpse.
He's had a thousand cancers.
Cancers? Moron.
He won't even die.
Once he even killed a recruit.
Made him do push-ups
in the shower.
Cold, warm, cold, warm,
cold, warm.
Guy died of a heart attack.
Yeah, right.
He'll fuck you for breakfast.
Uh huh.
Yeah.
What's going on here?
Why are the lights still on?
Line up in front of your bunks.
Let's go!
Get up.
Everyone in the room, line up, move it!
All men, on my command.
Attention!
Open lockers for inspection.
You heard him.
Inspection, open your lockers.
Move, hop to it!
Chopchop!
Not aligned.
This is all sloppy.
And your shirts,
mommy folds them at home, right?
Yes.
Shoeshine shit!
What was wrong with it?
Excuse me?
Is there a problem?
I was just asking what was wrong.
Why?
What was...
Don't you get when to shut up?
60 push-ups.
Today in class you learned
how to render courtesy.
Didn't you?
What did you do there?
Jerk each other off?
Are you funny?
Maybe he didn't get it
because he's a foreigner.
Get up.
I'm only at 24.
I said get up!
Are you a retard,
Recruit Ali Baba?
Sergeant Major, sir,
Recruit Falak reports: my name is Falak.
He's a fast learner.
Eyes front.
Are you an intelligent Ali Baba?
Yes, Sergeant Major, sir.
Organize lockers.
Five minutes.
Yes, Sergeant Major, sir.
You heard him:
organize your lockers.
Five minutes.
Charlie.
Hey, you're still up?
I'm watching a movie.
What are you watching?
Jungle Camp.
Who's the champ at jungle camp?
You're watching that crap?
When are you coming?
Something came up,
I've gotta stay here.
Did something happen?
Nothing serious,
but I gotta stay, like it or not.
Well, see you tomorrow.
Kisses.
Bye.
Alright, gentlemen, the next six months
won't be fun.
They'll be tough.
But this is the cream of the crop.
The Fourth Guards Company
I don't give a shit if your daddy is a CEO
or a Yugo.
I care about performance.
The choice is yours.
You're a slacker?
I will destroy you.
I will crush you into tiny pieces.
Or
You perform.
Then I'll wipe your asses.
I'll fucking wipe your asses
if you perform.
What's wrong Schober? Need a shit?
No, Staff Sergeant, I'm sick.
Staff Sergeant.
Recruit Buresch reports.
I got it from him.
Use a rubber when practicing
comradely intercourse.
Schober, breathe on me.
You call that
breathing on me, Schober, huh?
I need you to breathe on me
nice and hard.
Let's go, breathe on me.
Buresch,
you too,
breathe on me. Go on.
I'm only going to say this once.
If one of you assholes
eats toothpaste
or deliberately makes himself
unfit for service in any other way,
then, I swear,
I'm gonna go postal!
And now the good news.
In the Guards Battalion
nobody gets left behind.
We are the Fourth Guards Company!
We represent our army!
Heya-heya-heya-ho!
Put me down. I'll manage.
Dude!
You're such assholes.
Stop!
You're gonna pay for this, I swear.
Having a gout attack
or what's wrong?
Sergeant Major, sir,
I have a stabbing pain...
Dead.
On the ground, dead man!
On the ground, what's wrong?
Completely dead.
I said completely dead!
Honor Guard!
Order arms!
Honor Guard!
Right shoulder arms!
Come in.
Honor Guard. Order arms!
What is it?
Sergeant Major.
No. Come in.
Stand there.
And now report correctly.
Sir, Recruit Weber reports
you are to report to
Captain Karnaval immediately.
Boy, say "immediately"
to me again
and I'll whack you.
Yes sir, Sergeant Major!
Sergeant Major.
Captain.
Alright, let's cut to the chase.
Hard-asses like you are why
no one wants to join the army.
That's a problem.
All they have to do is follow the rules.
Your rules.
This isn't the 80s or the 90s,
and I won't tolerate it.
It's time you accept that.
Hey!
Dad!
Hey, big guy, what's up?
Look.
Wow.
What's that?
A family portrait.
No.
They're monsters.
Great.
Who's hungry for
Schinkenfleckerl?
Yay, Schinkenfleckerl!
Look at this funny bird on here.
Niki, go wash your hands please.
I already did.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
You didn't.
I did.
Wash your hands. Chopchop.
After dinner I'll show
you what I found, ok?
We need to book fast,
before the seats are gone.
Do you know when your vacation is?
Can we do it tomorrow?
I have to go back to the
barracks today.
What am I supposed to do?
Can you put some water on, please?
You promised.
We'll book tomorrow, okay?
Okay?
Does anyone know
where we're going?
We're going to war.
Moron.
Alright!
Fourth Guards Company, dismount!
Are you crazy? Who gave you
permission to drive up here?
Don't get worked up,
it's bad for your blood pressure.
Eismayer.
I need you like a hole in the head.
Marder, show them their quarters.
Alright, gentlemen. Get going!
Take your gear to
the quarters, over there.
What's with you, Dopey?
March.
Take cover!
Second element,
close ranks with the first!
Prepare to leap.
Leap! Charge!
Take cover!
Keep your heels glued to the ground.
A sniper will blow them off
from 300 meters away.
Prepare to leap!
Leap! Charge!
Take cover!
I'm not tired.
Brush your teeth and then
you can watch one episode.
But only one. Okay?
Really?
Mom! Dad said I can
watch another episode.
Bye!
Byebye!
Bye-bye!
Byebye!
Hello.
Hi.
How's it going?
Fine. Same as always.
Hold on a sec.
Don't touch me, you faggot.
Oooh.
Son of a bitch!
Call my mother a bitch again
and I'll kill you.
Fucking faggot!
Falak, enough!
Marder, report.
Sergeant Major, sir,
I just told him not to use
all the warm water.
And then he tells...
What?!
To join him in the shower.
Is that true?
Yes, so what?
He even had a boner.
Outside in full combat gear
in five minutes.
You're running a lap of honor, Falak.
Yes, sir.
Lap of honor.
We are the Fourth Guards Company!
We represent our army!
I said full combat gear!
No matter how fast a tank runs,
it always gets hit by our artillery guns!
To your rooms! Dismantle
arms and clean them until taps.
If you freeze to death,
I'll kill you, Falak!
Fairies never freeze,
Sergeant Major, sir.
You pretentious asshole!
Falak!
I'd never have guessed he was a faggot.
Falak!
Hey, you jerk!
But now that I know...
The army's no place for fags.
It's like putting a pedophile
into a kindergarten.
Let's go!
Any of you sissys can't swim?
Very good.
Any chickenshits?
Anyone allergic to water?
What's wrong?
Good.
Put on your climbing harnesses.
You heard him, boys.
Backpacks off, harnesses on.
Let's go, move it!
And help each other.
What do you think,
how far down is it?
Come on Falak, your turn.
Come on, Mario!
Come on, Falak!
What's the problem?
Sir, I'm not going.
What do you mean?
Are you fucking with me again?
You're crossing over now.
I can't do it.
How's it going on the other side?
Fuck off, Striegl!
Come on Falak,
don't shit your pants.
Falak, if you don't
cross over now,
you'll always be the chickenshit faggot.
You realize that, right?
Falak, what's it gonna be?
You want that?
Come on, Falak, come!
You can do it.
Come on now. Falak.
Come on, Mario!
You can do it, Mario!
You're doing great.
Just don't look down, Falak.
Just step onto the rope.
Mario, do it! Come on!
Go on!
Falak!
Fuck this.
Are you crazy? Falak!
You're a hero now.
March!
Halt!
Come in.
Recruit Weber reports that
Captain Karnaval wants to
see you in his office.
Sergeant Major,
please, take a seat.
Hello Charles.
Hello Kurt.
Recuperated?
Thank you.
Very well.
We'll take the minutes
at this meeting.
This is about the incident
during field exercises
at the Seethal Alps training area.
Parties involved:
Sergeant Major Charles Eismayer
and Recruit Mario Falak.
Please tell us what happened
in your own words.
We followed our
route as scheduled,
but then...
No, I don't mean your stunt.
I'm talking about the incident
on December 17
at 9:30 pm.
Eyewitnesses say
you pushed Recruit Falak
brutally against the wall and then
sent him naked into open terrain.
Please describe
the incident
from your own perspective.
Corporal Mader and Recruit Falak
started to fight.
The situation escalated,
which is why I
briefly pinned Recruit Falak
against the wall.
And what happened then?
Nothing?
Then Recruit Falak
ran out naked.
But against my orders.
Sergeant Major, do you know
what led to the fight?
No.
You don't know.
Excuse me for being blunt,
but have you got something
against homosexuals?
Excuse me for intervening.
Scratch that question
from the records.
With all due respect, Colonel, but
Recruit Falak outs himself and then
he is sent naked...
It was insubordination.
And later it's the same recruit whose
carabiner opens.
What do you want from me?
Gentlemen, let's all
calm down again.
After all, nothing happened,
well, nothing serious.
Everybody is fine.
Our instructors
are in the newspapers.
"Heroic Rescue"
And as far as I know, Falak did not
file a complaint, right?
No.
Well then,
it's all good.
Case closed,
let's have lunch.
Bon apptit.
You were brave, Charlie.
Captain.
Sergeant Major.
You're walking in a minefield.
One false step...
And boom.
Honor Guard, at my command!
Attention!
Shoulder one!
Two!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Stop!
Out of my way!
Listen up, you slackers.
The object of this exercise is
a simultaneous shouldering.
The unisono, hard thud
when positioning the rifle.
This here sounds like whores
playing with their beef curtains.
I want to see one decent shouldering.
Then you'll be dismissed
for the weekend.
Perfect unity, just once.
Honor Guard, on my command!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Too sluggish!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Tempo three!
Arms!
Three!
Three!
Three!
Nagl, what's wrong?
Sir...
Are you in love with me?
You want my picture?
Eyes front!
So, Nagl, what's wrong?
I can't move my arm, sir.
It's always something.
This hurts, that's too tight.
I can't do this,
I don't like that.
I just want one fucking
simultaneous shouldering.
Or is that asking too much?
One more mistake and your parents
get a letter saying:
"He died for his fatherland."
Arms!
Tempo three!
What's wrong?
Where have you been?
At the barracks.
I called there.
They said you had already left.
Where were you?
Charlie?
I'm going to Maria's.
I want Daddy to come, too.
What's the score?
40 days more!
Cheers!
Dammit!
What's he doing here?
One of these days, I swear,
I want to see him really get burned.
You know what I heard?
That the guy is, sorry, a fag.
Yeah sure.
Really? Yes.
The Eismayer?
There are some recruits
who he has literally fucked.
If you do things properly,
he leaves you alone.
I think he's tough but fair.
A hundred euros
if you go give him a kiss.
I dare you.
You are so stupid.
If you do that...
If you give Eismayer a kiss,
fuck it, I'll give you
my entire month's pay.
Now that's an offer...
Yeah, alright, me too!
What about you, stingy?
Oh man. Alright, I'm in, let's go.
Is he crazy?
Falak, don't be stupid.
What is it, Falak?
Recruit Falak reports
he wants to give you a kiss.
I beg your pardon?
It's a bet.
If I give you a kiss,
I'll get five month's pay.
We can split fifty-fifty.
Whose terrific idea was this?
Yeah,
that's what I thought.
Well, then I'm getting a kiss
from each of you.
Except you, Falak,
I'm afraid you'll have to watch.
Yes, sir.
Right here.
Ew!
That guy's a psychopath, right?
I hate to say it
but that was pretty gay.
Easy for you to say.
Come in.
Sergeant Major, sir, Recruit
Falak reports as ordered.
You want to enlist?
Yes, Sergeant Major, sir.
Why?
What do you mean, why?
I assume you know
why you want to join the army.
Why do you ask...
Rest! Or I kill you.
Eyes front.
Do you ask because I'm a Yugo
or because I'm gay?
Different matter:
I hear you're good with
electronic stuff.
Is that right?
Yes, sir.
I need someone to hook up my TV.
My address. Tonight,
when you get off duty.
That's all. Bye.
Sargent Major, sir,
Recruit Falak signs off.
Yes?
Sergeant Major, sir.
Second floor, the door's open.
Shoes off, I just mopped the floor.
Don't.
Sit.
You hungry?
I made dinner.
Meat loaf.
I have beer, too, if you want.
What about the TV?
Eat first, work later.
I'm actually not really hungry.
Of course you're hungry.
Beer?
Yes, Sergeant Major, sir.
Charles.
In here you'll call me Charles.
Charles?
Dude, you want your ears boxed?
Cheers.
Cheers.
You won't make it to the
barracks tonight, you'll stay here.
I'll write you a permit
and deal with the duty officer.
Okay?
Good night.
Night.
Towel's in the bathroom.
Where's my spring?
Who the fuck has my spring?
Falak, is there a problem?
Someone stole my spring.
Has anyone seen Mr. Falak's spring?
No.
Suck my dick!
Falak, halt!
What's wrong?
Nothing.
The guys just
teased him a little bit.
Then he flipped out
because this time
he wasn't the fastest.
It's probably his time
of the month.
You have nothing under control!
So, have you calmed down?
Why do they give me a hard time?
You give them a hard time.
You're currently at the top
of the asshole list.
Mario, you can only be effective
if you're in control of yourself.
To be in control you need order
in your locker, head and body.
You understand?
But I'm faster.
Mario!
I know I can be faster.
Stop talking.
Just do it!
Mom, stop, stop, stop!
There's the swing.
Yes.
Come.
Come, let's go.
Come!
Are you coming?
You go on ahead,
we'll be right behind you.
I bat for the other team.
What?
I'm gay.
Always have been.
You know what my mom said back then?
Just don't talk about it.
It will pass.
Father never looked me
in the eye again.
'Til the day he died.
They sent me to the military.
To Hierzberger.
"To make a man out of you,
Charlie."
When my brother set us up...
I was so fascinated by you.
That you took an interest in me.
I really thought I was healed.
Daddy, come on already!
Come on!
Guys.
Guys!
Since it's your last day,
when you get off duty,
you'll strip the beds
and clear the lockers.
Turn your weapon
and your other gear in to the sarge.
Your piss-soaked sheets,
I'm not gonna name names, Polat,
you take to the laundry.
At 5 this afternoon down
at the field
we'll have a barbecue.
Here's Colonel Hierzberger
to tell you more.
All rise!
Attention!
Thank you!
No report necessary.
Sit down, gentlemen.
Sergeant Major Eismayer
sends his apologies.
He has cancer.
But he wrote this letter,
which I will read to you now.
"To conscription squad 12:
Don't think you
were the last squad
to survive Eismayer.
I'll be back.
Furthermore, let it be known
that all in all
you were pretty decent.
Some of you even
have promising futures.
Having said that,
have a helluva party!"
Gentlemen,
gentlemen,
I wish you all the best!
Hello!
Hello.
Hi.
Wow, you look horrible.
What are you doing here?
What does it look like?
How are you?
I feel like shit.
I signed the enlistment documents.
It's official,
I'll be a career soldier.
Sergeant Berger said,
if a Yugo like me enlists,
he wants to get discharged.
Uh oh, you're puking again?
I have all the documents
for the entrance exam, too.
But I'm totally clueless.
You think you can help me?
Yes.
Get lost.
I'll throw this out.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
You've got a handsome boy.
What's important now
is that you work out.
The better your circulation,
the tougher it is for the cancer cells.
Follow me.
You'll work out every day.
For at least an hour.
Record your reps here.
And no nagging, or no shagging.
Hey.
No elevator. Take the stairs.
Mario, please. Give me a break.
Come on, Charles, let's go.
Chop-chop.
I hate you.
I just got the
delivery confirmation.
The bed is coming tomorrow.
You'll be home in the morning, right?
You okay?
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Nothing.
Are you giving up?
Asshole.
Charles.
Quitting is for losers.
Carry on!
Yes, sir, keeping it up.
6 months later
Honor Guard, forward
- march!
- Step
two.
Left step!
Left!
Left.
Two.
Listen to her purr!
Flawless!
Engine stop!
Well, what do you say,
Sergeant Major?
They're being decommissioned,
so I reserved five.
It's amazing, you can
take them apart with a single wrench.
If necessary, of course.
You're back already?
Shouldn't you be in rehab?
I got released early
for good conduct.
I see.
I read your medical certificate.
It says
I am no longer allowed to employ
you as an instructor.
So here's the plan:
Our current sarge is retiring.
I think this position is
right up your alley.
And your physical impairment
will not interfere.
Captain, sir, that's not possible.
It is possible.
Believe it or not,
the world keeps turning
even without Eismayer.
Dismissed.
Mario?
Hajde, hajde, Sergeant Major, sir.
Do come in.
Nutcase.
What is it?
I got in.
I'm going to be an officer!
I'm going to the military academy!
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
The military academy!
Congratulations.
I got in.
The military academy!
Based on the applicant's achievement
he is hereby accepted to the academy.
Charles Eismayer and Falak.
We rule the army.
He passed the exam
and is going to the military academy.
Dude.
Mario.
Yes.
What?
Don't shit your pants.
What, "Don't shit my pants"?
I'm gonna be an officer.
Eismayer and Falak.
The two faggots in the army.
- TODAY 8 PM FERRIS WHEEL!
- WEAR SOMETHING NICE!
Fuck...
The Ferris Wheel? Seriously?
Yes, seriously.
You look good.
Thanks.
On the mark please.
Come here.
Smile.
I'll send the photo via e-mail.
Yes.
If she puts that online,
I kill her.
Yes, relax.
You know I
don't drink sparkling wine.
Grin and bear it.
To us.
No.
To you!
Again, congratulations!
Remember when you came to
our room that first night?
I thought to myself: What a
fucking dictator.
You gonna push me
out of the cable car now?
They're cut from a 20 mm
anti-aircraft cartridge.
Try it on.
Sometimes I really think
you're retarded.
How do you think this will play out?
You become an officer,
and we get married at the barracks?
I apply for leave with Karnaval,
and we spend our honeymoon in Dubai,
stoning included?
Mario.
The world doesn't work
the way your gay brain imagines it.
I see.
Do you refuse to understand
or are you just too stupid?
You know what I understand?
That you're the chickenshit faggot,
not me.
Fourth Company, on my command.
Attention!
Right face!
Double time to board, march!
Presenting arms works mighty fine!
It gives us drive and a heart.
Which company?
Fourth Company!
Call the guard,
don't let the convoy leave the barracks.
Hey dipstick,
are you sneaking off
without saying goodbye?
No, I didn't know...
Just joking.
Are they psyched?
Totally. Raring to go.
It's a great bunch.
Great.
Is Falak with them?
Yes, second truck, why?
Give me a minute.
A minute.
Corporal Falak.
Here!
Come here.
Sergeant Major, sir,
Corporal Falak reports as ordered.
Good luck!
Drive!
Hello.
Hello.
Your son wants to see you.
How's school?
You like it?
Yes.
And the teacher, is she nice?
Yes.
Great.
Why don't you like Mom anymore?
What? Who said that?
Of course I like Mom.
Mom says, you like
men more than women.
She says, you probably already have
a boyfriend.
I like boys more than girls, too.
The girls in my class
are kind of stupid.
My friends are
Emir, Arthur, and Denial.
But my very best
friend is Louis,
he's really cool.
And what's your friend's name?
Are the keys inside?
Yes.
And after some back and forth,
everyone chipped in,
and for 350 schillings
she gave us all blow jobs
at the same time.
I hope your guys' dicks
didn't touch, huh?
If I were you, Falak,
I'd shut the fuck up.
First Platoon, Fourth Company...
It's alright. Sit down.
Sit down.
Mario, it's just wonderful with you.
And I'm not just talking
about the sex.
Everything.
Mario, I want you.
In my life. Everywhere.
What's that supposed to mean?
You wanna marry me?
And we'll spend our honeymoon in Dubai?
Stoning included.
20 mm anti-aircraft cartridge.
Carry on.
On January 31, 2014, Charles Eismayer
and Mario Falak officially entered
a civil union
at the Maria Theresien Barracks.
Both were still
in active duty at the time of filming.