Ellen DeGeneres: For Your Approval (2024) Movie Script
If you have never seen Ellen
do stand-up live,
you are in for a treat tonight.
Two minutes.
...her first appearance
on network television.
Would you welcome Ellen DeGeneres.
Wouldn't it be great
if we could pick up the phone
and call up God and ask,
"Yeah, hi, God. This is Ellen."
"Ellen."
"DeGeneres."
"DeGeneres."
"W-What's so funny?"
"I never thought of that.
It does sound like that, doesn't it?"
My grandmother started walking
five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 today.
We don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen is on the fast track.
She's one of the top
female comedians on television.
Ellen's new sitcom
is a certifiable top-ten hit.
The real Ellen is putting
all that success and fame at risk.
Susan...
I'm gay.
More than 36 million people
watched her coming-out episode.
Why did you think it was necessary
for you to come out?
Because it's okay.
Ellen finds herself
at the center of a storm of controversy.
Being accused
of going too far, too gay.
When life gets you down,
you know what you gotta do?
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming
She may have pulled off
one of the greatest comebacks of all time.
The Ellen Show has become one
of the most popular shows in the world,
praised for delivering a daily dose of joy
with its unique mix of dancing, games,
talk, and millions of dollars
in audience giveaways.
Spreading laughter
seems to be working well
for the entertainer and comedian,
and she's showing no signs
of slowing down.
A few years ago, I started ending my show
by saying, "Be kind to one another."
Here's the downside, um,
I can never do anything
unkind ever now, ever.
Breaking news tonight.
Is the queen of nice
really the queen of mean?
Respond to this
with the most insane stories
about Ellen being mean.
She's not
the happy-go-lucky nice person...
Ellen DeGeneres
is under fire again
with accusations
of a toxic work environment.
Toxic. Phony. Hypocrite. Liar.
Things are spiraling.
Ellen DeGeneres...
DeGeneres... DeGeneres...
It's a breaking story
in the world of entertainment,
and this is great, great news.
Ellen is back.
Although, she's saying
this new special will be her farewell.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much.
It seems like you still care.
You know, I used to say that I didn't care
what other people thought of me.
I realize now, looking back, I said that
at the height of my popularity.
If I look older than when you saw me last,
it's because I'm older
than when you saw me last.
And also,
I stopped doing Botox and filler.
Yeah.
I used to do Botox back when I didn't care
what other people thought of me.
That's when I did it.
Such a waste of time
to worry about what people think of us.
Just a waste of energy.
We're just guessing. We don't know.
It's impossible to know
what people are thinking.
I walk out here tonight
and I'm hoping that you're thinking,
"This is marvelous.
I'm so happy to be here."
That is my hope, but...
Well...
Good.
But some of you could be thinking,
"Let's see how this goes."
Some of you may be thinking,
"Why is she doing this?
Does she owe back taxes?"
I'm here because I love doing stand-up.
I miss doing stand-up,
and I like making people happy,
and I do care what people think.
We all care what people think.
We can say we don't.
We can pretend we don't care.
All it takes is trying to parallel park
in front of a crowded outdoor caf.
Spot looks big enough.
You line it up the way you always do.
You pull in, cut it a little too close.
You're scraping the hubcap
the entire way along the curb.
Making a very loud noise.
Put it in drive, pull out. Try it again.
Now you've overcompensated.
You're sticking so far out,
you're blocking traffic in that lane.
Now you have a decision to make.
Do you have the confidence to pull out
and do it right this time?
Or do you do that back-and-forth,
back-and-forth, back-and-forth...
inching your way to the curb?
Knowing how long that's gonna take,
and people are watching.
The deep shame you feel
when you give up and drive away.
Even if you're meeting someone, you say,
"I'm so sorry. I couldn't make it."
And they're like, "You did.
I was sitting there, I was watching you."
"I started the chant."
It's funny how we can be embarrassed
all by ourselves in a car.
All by ourselves, for anything,
just any stupid reason.
Like, even if we just can't figure out
how to turn our windshield wipers off.
Which, to me, is one
of the most embarrassing things,
is driving a car when it's not raining
and the windshield wipers are going.
And it's because someone decided
to add a random one.
We had...
The windshield wiper situation was fine.
We had the fast mode for when
it's raining heavily, medium, light.
And then someone decided
we're just gonna wash away
the rain once in a while.
We don't need to see all the time.
And it's always a surprise
'cause you think the rain has stopped,
you've turned it off
and you're driving along,
and five minutes later,
you see this thing, like...
Then you're trying to fiddle with it,
trying to turn it off,
and you don't know how
'cause it's always different.
Sometimes it's on the end of the lever
on the steering wheel.
Sometimes there's a lever
within the lever, the baby lever.
Like the lever had a baby
and it's inside the lever right there.
Tiny baby lever.
You don't trust it
'cause you're just waiting...
Even if it's not going, you're like,
"It's gonna go again.
I know it. I feel it."
And then finally, it does, and then
you feel pretty confident about it.
Then you catch the rearview mirror,
your back one's been on the whole time.
Yeah.
That's what you did.
You turned that one on.
You turn that off,
turn everything back on again.
You have to sell your car.
There's so many extraneous things
in a car we don't need.
For instance, I have never used
my parking brake.
I've never parked my car and thought,
"I want it more parked than this."
There are things you need,
the seat adjustments.
Scoot forward. Lean back. You need those.
Then there's that one button
that inflates the back of the seat,
the one that makes you feel like you're
getting spooned by a pregnant woman.
"Oh boy."
"Ooh!"
"All right."
Apparently, it's for lumbar support.
Got to support your lumbar.
You got to.
It's all any of us knows about the lumbar.
It's got to be supported.
You don't get support for your lumbar
any place other than your car.
You don't even hear about the lumbar
anyplace else.
"Bill, what's wrong? What's happening?"
"It's my damn lumbar."
"I haven't been driving enough lately."
Mm.
That's how you walk
when your lumbar is out.
There are buttons in my car
I've never used, never will use.
There's a button with squiggly lines
next to a misshapen peanut.
I don't know.
I've never touched it.
I'm fine.
There's a button with tally marks next
to a sideways yarmulke. What the hell?
Don't get me started
on the dashboard lights too.
The dashboard lights
are not illuminated all the time.
So when they are,
it must mean something serious, right?
But "check engine"? That's vague.
I've checked it. It's there.
I shouldn't have to guess
from an exclamation point
between two parentheses
that my tire pressure is low.
But if my windshield wiper fluid is low,
all the words,
"windshield wiper fluid low."
"Oh, my God. Pull over!"
Just 'cause I don't know my buttons,
doesn't mean I'm stupid.
Just means I'm not interested.
We're all interested in different things,
all good at different things.
I was talking to someone and they said,
"I don't know how you get on stage.
I could never do that."
I said, "Well, I don't know
how you dry-clean clothes."
Clean clothes dryly.
And then you Martinize on top of that.
Some of you are in your twenties.
You don't know what Martinizing is.
No.
It's not my job to explain it to you.
Also, I don't know and I never have.
Yeah.
None of us do.
Let me catch you up on what's been
going on with me since you saw me last.
I got chickens.
Yeah.
Thank you. I love them so very much.
Chickens are the best bird
to have at home, I think so.
A lot of people think parrots,
but they're so gossipy.
You have to be really careful
what you say around them.
Chickens will never talk.
They have little personalities.
I've always wanted chickens.
Now I have them, they're so cute.
They see me. They recognize me when
I walk towards them, and they run to me.
I put a swing in there for them,
and they get on a swing.
Chicken on a swing. That's ridiculous.
I have a bench in there
and I go sit there,
and they sit on my lap,
and I pet them and they fall asleep,
and they give me an egg every day.
They lay an egg every day.
As someone who hosted a daily talk show,
I can really appreciate that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm sure they're thinking,
"I just laid an egg."
I don't think
I can do that again tomorrow."
And yet, they do.
They're curious little animals too.
They're very curious.
Hey, you know how people always ask,
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
I think I know, now that I have chickens.
It's their innate sense of adventure.
I'm sorry to be just another comedian
going on and on about her chickens.
Another thing about chickens is that, um...
...they... they fly.
People think they're flightless birds,
and that is not true.
They do fly. The longest recorded
chicken flight is 13 seconds.
Isn't that amazing?
Someone thought to time that.
Yeah.
Also, chickens dream.
Scientists have discovered
that chickens dream.
Now listen, I love animals
more than anyone,
but we could take scientists
working on chicken dreams
and move them on over to climate change.
I'm not saying that chicken dreaming
is not worth studying, it is.
But we don't need our top minds on it,
I don't think.
I am curious. What do they dream about?
Probably the same things we do.
Probably flying.
But 14 or 15 seconds for them, you know.
Mm.
That's all for chickens.
Yeah.
Got to save some for the memoir.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Let me see what else I can tell you
about that has been going on.
Chickens...
Oh yeah,
I got kicked out of show business.
Yeah. Yeah.
Thanks.
Yeah, 'cause I'm mean. Yeah.
You can't be mean and be in show business.
No, they'll kick you out.
No mean people in show business.
I'm out.
Yeah, y'all heard I was mean.
Everybody heard that I was mean.
Everywhere I go,
I know everyone's heard that I'm mean.
I know when I walk into a restaurant,
people are watching,
waiting to see if I'll be mean.
"Do you think she'll be mean first
and then dance?"
"Look, she...
Oh, she's reaching for butter."
"I thought she was gonna hit somebody."
"All right, I'm gonna eat. You watch now."
That was a big story, huh?
That had some legs on it.
The first I heard about it,
I... I came across a headline that said,
"How Ellen DeGeneres became
the most hated person in America."
Now, I didn't see the other names
on the ballot, but I have to...
Yeah.
It's... It's an impressive title,
it really is. It's a...
It's a horrible thing to say
about somebody, and to make it worse,
there was no trophy,
no awards banquet, nothing.
Just the title, just, you know...
I made a sash at home
and I wore that around,
just to... to feel
like I had something, you know?
It was quite a shock to me
because for 17 years,
there were all these polls
basically saying I was one of the most
trusted people in the country.
There was a poll that asked people,
"Which celebrity would you most want
to babysit your child?"
And I was the number one answer.
Because when you think "good with kids,"
you immediately think childless,
lesbian stand-up comedian.
Once they heard that I might be mean,
they didn't want me to babysit anymore.
So it wasn't all bad.
No.
I was in therapy for a while
trying to deal
with all the hatred coming at me,
and it was not a common situation
for a therapist to deal with.
My therapist said,
"Ellen, where do you get this idea
that everyone hates you?"
And I said, "Well, um, New York Times,
Washington Post,
Entertainment Weekly, Us Weekly."
"I think Elmo may have said something
recently on an episode of Sesame Street."
She said, "You just need to avoid
looking at the news, just avoid media."
And I was like,
"I am. I'm not looking at anything."
I would know when something was going on
because I'd start
getting text from friends saying,
"Thinking of you," or, "Sending love."
And I'd be like, "Oh."
"Why do I need love sent?"
"The 'be kind' girl wasn't kind."
That was the headline.
Here's the problem.
I'm a comedian who got a talk show,
and I ended the show every day
by saying, "Be kind to one another."
Yeah.
I know. It seemed like a good idea.
But I became a brand,
a one-dimensional character
who gave stuff away
and danced every day up steps.
Do you know how hard it was
to dance up steps?
Would a mean person dance up steps?
I don't think so.
Had I ended my show by saying,
"Go fuck yourselves..."
...people would have been
pleasantly surprised to find out I'm kind.
I loved that show.
I loved everything about that show.
It was a family to me.
Here's something sweet.
Sixteen people who worked there
started out straight,
and by the time they left, were gay.
Yeah.
You don't see Jimmy Kimmel
doing those kind of numbers.
You know what's funny,
is that when I first came out,
people were afraid that
watching my show would turn people gay.
Which is ridiculous.
You have to work there.
You have to fill out a W-2.
And then, you turn gay.
We had so much fun together at that show.
We laughed all the time.
We played games all the time.
I started a game of tag in, like, 2016
that we played all the way
till when the show ended
'cause I just loved playing games.
We played tag, and I would chase
people down the hallways,
I would chase them around the studio
and scare them all the time.
I would jump out, scare people
'cause I would love to do that, and...
Hearing myself say this out loud, I...
realize I was chasing my employees
and terrorizing them.
I can see where
that would be misinterpreted.
Well...
We had morning meetings
every morning in my office.
The producers would come in,
writers would come in,
and we'd talk about what
we were gonna do on the show that day.
And Andy Lassner
was one of my executive producers.
Yeah.
Uh, Andy is a very nervous man, and he...
Everything scares him.
He could drop his pen
and it would startle him.
He's just a nervous man.
And Alison was one of my writers
who was scared of snakes.
Anything snake-related.
So, sometimes,
before they'd come into my office,
we would hide rubber snakes
in a panel in the ceiling,
and I had a button that I could push
that would release the snakes down...
Again, hearing myself say this out loud...
But they liked it.
They did.
There are a lot of perks
with having your own television show.
Number one has to be
the ability to say to someone,
"We should have a panel
in the ceiling that releases snakes."
And then another adult says,
"Yeah, we'll get that started right away."
Scaring was just a big component
of the show.
We would... You know,
we started with scaring guests,
and I don't remember exactly
how it started.
It was some simple, like...
I think Chris Hemsworth, or some
big strong guy that was on the show,
we found out was scared of crickets.
So we had someone dress as a cricket
and sneak up behind his chair
when he was talking, and...
...you know,
make a cricket noise and scare him.
And then it just escalated.
We just decided to make it more surprising
to people, and, eventually,
we, uh, built a table that looked like
the table between me and the guest,
but it was actually a box where someone
could pop out and scare them.
But the guests got wise to that,
and if they saw that it was a box,
they would open it and look in the box.
So we built a tunnel
under the stage that went into the box...
so that when they checked it,
it was empty, and then they'd close it,
and somebody would crawl into the box
from underneath.
I was a very immature boss.
I didn't want to be a boss.
I didn't go to business school.
I went to Charlie's Chuckle Hut.
It looked like I was the boss.
The show is called Ellen, and everybody's
wearing T-shirts that say Ellen,
and there were buildings all over
the Warner Bros. lot that said Ellen.
But I don't think that meant
that I should be in charge.
I don't think that Ronald McDonald's
the CEO of McDonald's.
Everything I knew about being a boss,
I learned from movies.
And those were things like saying,
"Jenkins, my office, now!"
Or, "The name's Frank,
how the hell are you?"
But those were men bosses.
Women bosses
didn't come along for a while,
not till around the time
of Martinizing, I think.
No.
But men bosses
and women bosses are different.
Like, a woman boss couldn't say,
"Jenkins, my office, now."
A woman boss would have to use more words.
A woman boss would have to say
something like,
"Excuse me, Jenkins.
I don't want to bother you."
"If you're not too busy,
could you step into my office real quick?"
"I just have to talk to you for a second.
Thank you so much."
'Cause women are raised
in a different way.
At least I was.
I was raised to be a people pleaser.
I was taught, when I was a little girl,
to be small and quiet and agreeable.
And it's crazy
what I've done with my life,
'cause I'm exactly the opposite
of how I was raised to be.
Yeah.
Most women aren't raised with confidence.
We just aren't.
We're too self-conscious,
which is why you rarely
see a woman playing air guitar.
I love how they make it like it's hard.
Like something's happening there.
Men can get away with acting out things
that aren't actually happening
and not look crazy, somehow.
A man, in the middle of nowhere,
and for no reason,
can practice an imaginary golf swing.
Just...
"Oh, no, I'm not in line."
"I'm just waiting for my latte.
You go ahead."
Men'll jump up and see
if they can slap the top of a doorframe.
I've never had that urge.
"I wonder if I could hit that?"
"Tiffany, hold my purse.
I'm gonna give it a try."
"I couldn't do it! I didn't.
Give me my purse. I didn't do it."
Good.
We have all these unwritten rules
based on gender, of acceptable behavior,
of who we're allowed to be
and how we're allowed to act.
If we don't follow those rules,
it makes people uncomfortable.
When people get uncomfortable,
there are consequences.
For those of you keeping score,
this is the second time
I've been kicked out of show business.
Yeah.
Kicked me out before
'cause I told them I was gay.
No gay people in show business.
No.
They'll kick you out.
Can't be gay and be in show business.
Eventually, they're gonna kick me out
a third time for being old.
Mean, old, and gay. The triple crown.
I knew it was a risk
to tell people I was gay
'cause I knew a lot of people
didn't like gay people.
If they did,
we wouldn't have needed the parade.
Listen, we don't like all of you either,
but we don't make a big thing about it.
Most of us get into this business
because we didn't get enough love
or attention as a child.
So we go into a business that depends
on people liking us to be successful.
What's wrong with us?
For me, it was never about the money.
It was about healing my childhood wounds.
I thought if I could make people happy,
then they'll like me.
And if they like me,
I'll feel good about myself.
And all I can say about that is,
"Thank God for the money."
'Cause it's a fickle business.
They liked me for a long time.
I was on a sitcom, I made them laugh.
They liked me, then I told them
I was gay, and they didn't like me.
Then I got a talk show,
and I gave them TVs and cars,
and I danced, and they liked me.
Then they heard a rumor I was mean,
they didn't like me.
So it's been a real test for my ego
and my self-esteem
because there's such extremes
in this business.
There are people who love you
and idolize you,
and then there are people who hate you,
just really loudly hate you.
So, sometimes, I long for my childhood,
when I just had
good old-fashioned neglect.
What was wrong with that?
It's been two years since the show ended
and it's been an adjustment,
because for 19 years,
I drove onto the Warner Bros. lot,
passed a giant billboard of my face.
So the first thing I did was
I had a giant billboard of my face
installed on my lawn,
so I saw that when I drove in.
Yeah, then I put an "applause" sign
in the dining room,
and that's helping also.
But, really, I've only known myself
working for 40 years.
That's all I've done, is work.
So I didn't really have a lot of free time
and didn't have hobbies.
Now there's a lot of free time,
so I'm trying to figure out
what to do with that.
So I got the chickens, remember?
I don't know if you...
Yeah.
I decided to take up gardening
'cause everybody talks about gardening
and how great gardening is.
It's not.
No.
It's really not.
I got the overalls
and the tool belt and the hat.
I looked adorable. I did.
But I find once you put the plants
in the ground, you're no longer gardening.
You're just waiting, you know?
I tell people I grew these strawberries,
but at best I was just there
when it happened.
It's the sun and the sprinklers
that should take the credit.
I'm more like the strawberries'
godmother showing up on its birthday.
"Look how big you're getting."
"See you at Christmas, maybe."
It is relaxing to be out there, though.
Mainly 'cause the garden gloves make it
impossible for me to look at my phone.
Yeah.
Sometimes, I'll put the garden gloves on
and go inside and lay down.
Yeah.
It's just as relaxing, really.
My garden gloves and my sweatpants...
I live in sw... When I'm at home,
I just wear sweatpants.
I don't understand people
who don't just wear sweatpants at home.
Like, what's the point, you know?
Yeah.
I take off my going-out clothes.
I take those off,
put on my staying-home clothes.
Once I'm in my sweatpants,
I'm not leaving. Not leaving the house.
A few weeks ago,
a friend of mine texted me, and he said,
"Would you like to come over
for a last-minute dinner party for Mick?"
As in Jagger.
Now, I've never met Mick Jagger,
and I would love to meet Mick Jagger,
but I was in my sweatpants already,
and I was not leaving.
That's what I told him,
and he could not believe
that was the reason I wasn't going.
I guess most people
would make something up
because it is a ridiculous reason,
and I know that, but it was the truth.
You know? And, you know,
people say honesty is the best policy.
I don't know why they say that.
It's only the best policy
if it's something
you want to hear, really.
Like, there are certain
degrees of honesty.
If you tell someone
there's something stuck in their teeth,
they don't love that, but they kind of
appreciate that and they'll take that.
But as soon as you tell someone that all
of their stories should be 50% shorter...
Yeah.
...you lose 100% of their friendship,
is what happens.
People say it's hard to tell the truth.
For me, it's hard not to tell the truth.
Which is why it was really difficult
for me to keep my sexuality a secret,
because I felt such guilt
for not being honest about who I was.
I felt shame for how society
was making me feel.
I felt fear for what would happen
to my career if I did come out.
Ultimately, I decided it's more important
for me to be honest about who I am.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They say, "The truth will set you free,"
and it did.
I was free for three years.
Nobody would hire me.
Truth will make you broke.
People lie so much these days,
they really do.
You can tell,
because they make such a big deal of it
when they're telling the truth.
They'll say things like,
"Well, to tell you the truth..."
or, "If I'm being honest..."
If you're being honest?
I prefer it the other way around.
"Listen, I'm gonna lie to you here."
"That lasagna was phenomenal."
Most people tell me
that they appreciate my honesty
because they know
where they stand with me,
but someone did suggest that I get tested
to see if I'm on the spectrum.
And, uh, I'm not on the spectrum.
And I wouldn't care
if I was on the spectrum, but I'm not.
Well, I am on the spectrum.
We all are. It's a spectrum.
I'm on the part of the spectrum
where someone on the spectrum
would have a problem with me saying
I'm on the spectrum, so...
Yeah, that's right.
But I may have OCD
because a therapist said so.
And I said, "Yes, I am very organized,"
because I thought that was the "O."
I didn't know what OCD was.
I was raised in a religion,
Christian Science,
that doesn't acknowledge
diseases or disorders.
So, when I was growing up,
nobody talked about anything.
There was no discussion of anything.
I look back now, and I realize
my dad for sure had OCD.
He would check the doorknob
15 times before we would leave.
He would check the faucet 15 times.
He would unplug all the appliances
before we left the house
because lightning could strike,
and it would catch fire.
They say it could be hereditary.
So I went home and I asked Portia,
I said, "Do you think I may have OCD?"
And she said, "Yes, you do."
Barely got that sentence out, really.
It's funny, I've never thought
of myself as obsessive.
I think of myself as careful,
and everyone else
careless and out of control.
I asked her what I obsess about,
and she said, "You obsess about time."
And that is true. I don't like to be late.
I like to be on time.
So, sometimes, that makes us early.
This is the example she said
I should share with you.
I, um...
There are many,
but this is the one she said.
Usher was having an after-party
for the Grammys one year,
and we got there so early,
it was just us and the staff.
Yup.
Yup.
We helped place candles on tables.
I invoiced him $200.
These are my confessions.
I just don't know why the invitation
says a certain time for a party to start,
and then everyone goes
an hour or two later.
People seem to think that 6:00 means 7:00,
7:00 means 8:00, 8:00 means 9:00.
9:00 means nothing to me,
'cause I'm not going.
9:00.
Who starts something at 9:00?
Anyway, I obsess on time,
and, uh, I obsess on animals.
I know I obsess on animals
'cause I love them too much.
Like, way too much.
I think about how they see things
and what they feel and what they think.
And I worry about butterflies
in rainstorms, and how delicate they are,
and how their little tiny feet
are holding on to a blade of grass,
trying to...
Winds blowing...
The rain is happening
on their little tiny wings...
Saturating their wings,
and their feet holding...
Especially if it's a butterfly.
What if it's his first day, and they're,
like, "Is this life? This is horrible."
Ooh...
"I should have stayed
a caterpillar."
The monarch butterfly, think about that.
How crazy is that story?
You know the story.
I don't have to tell you.
But I will. The little tiny caterpillar...
I mean, how does it even
make it past the caterpillar stage?
It's a larva, and then that
somehow gets into a caterpillar.
And a caterpillar just...
And somehow, it just knows instinctively
it's time for that part
of its life to change.
"That's done. I'm gonna put
myself into a chrysalis."
And then it turns into liquid somehow.
And then it becomes a butterfly
flying for the first time.
And it looks drunk and confused,
the way they, you know...
And they make it to Mexico that way.
I don't know how.
The butterfly is beautiful,
and people talk about the butterfly,
but the butterfly wouldn't be
the butterfly without the caterpillar.
I mean, the deep knowing
that that caterpillar has.
Its only perspective
is crawling on the ground
and it's looking
at other crawling things saying,
"I'm gonna fly someday."
"And I'm gonna go to Mexico."
And they're like, "No, you're not."
"And what's Mexico?"
But I don't know if we really fully
appreciate what that metamorphosis is.
The fact that it's a caterpillar,
it knows to change
and becomes this other thing entirely.
That's genius. It's brilliance.
And the octopus, the octopus
being able to change texture and shape
and form and color instantaneously,
depending on what it's on.
That's genius.
A colony of ants or of bees,
the way they communicate,
and there's no chaos
between all of those things.
Everything in nature is living up
to its full potential.
But I am so disappointed in pigeons.
What happened to them?
I mean, pigeons,
they have built-in GPS in their beaks.
And they can fly for hundreds of miles.
In World War II, they saved lives.
They were taking messages from generals
to other generals and saving lives.
There are pictures of them
in the newspaper with medals,
not pinned, but around their necks,
that they received for what they did
in World War II, and now look at them.
Just pecking at old gum
in filthy alleyways and parking lots.
They could be anywhere.
I would feel sorry for them,
but they made a choice.
I mean, they barely fly anymore.
They... They're just, uh, filthy.
And even if a car is coming,
they don't even fly to get out of the way.
"All right. Okay, all right. Okay!"
"All right. Okay, okay, all right. Okay!"
Sometimes, it looks like
they're gonna do something important.
You'll see a bunch,
and they all get up at once.
Again, that kind of communication.
All of them get up at once, they fly,
and they just go in one big circle,
and they go right back to where they were.
God, you guys.
Not living up to their potential.
I rescued a pigeon one time.
I'll rescue anything.
I've always tried to save animals
my whole life.
But I saw a one-legged pigeon
on the street near where I lived,
and I took it home because I knew
it wasn't gonna make it on the street
and I didn't know how to take care of it.
I mean, never had a pigeon,
so I just threw gum and trash down...
...dirt, thinking that's what it eats.
You know, because I've never seen it...
It didn't make it.
I'll rescue anything. I really will.
And if I see a sign of someone
posting a cat or a dog missing,
when they post those pictures,
I will drive around
and I will try to find that animal.
And it's not just for the reward money.
It's not.
No.
I rescued a dog one time.
I was driving,
and I see this dog all by itself,
and I get out of the car,
and it's soaking wet.
I'm like, "Oh my God,
what happened to you?"
Take it home, dry it off,
stays with me for the night.
Put out posters the next afternoon.
Get a call from the people saying,
"Thank God. Where did you find it?"
And I told them, and they said,
"That's where we live."
Yeah.
They said, "We had just given it a bath,
and we put her on the lawn to dry out."
It was pretty close to the sidewalk
when I saw it.
Anyway, I obsess on things.
I have ADD,
and I blame the talk show for that
because for 19 years, I was talking
to people in five-minute segments.
When I'm at a party and someone's
talking to me longer than five minutes,
I have the urge to say,
"I'm sorry, we have to take a break."
Parties are hard for me.
Parties are very hard for me.
People are wanting to talk and stuff, and...
They always talk
about books they're reading.
I don't read. I want to.
I try to read, but my ADD
makes it really hard for me.
As much as I try to focus on the words,
I end up thinking about
a sandwich I had earlier that day.
Moby Dick, for me,
is two pages about a whale
and 425 pages about me wondering if I
should grow my hair out or keep it short.
I've had it short for a while.
I should try to grow it out, probably.
Maybe to my shoulder-length
or something like that.
Not much longer than that.
I wonder how long that would take, though?
I should probably keep it short, I think.
That's better.
Why not try something different, though?
I should.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's done.
Yeah.
Yeah, my ADD makes it really hard for me
to sit down and focus on anything at all.
Like, do you know how hard it was
for me to put this together?
Of course you don't.
Why would I ask that question?
Why do people ask people questions
they know they don't have the answer to?
Why do people say,
"Guess what I did yesterday?"
Do I have to? Is it a game?
Is there a prize? I don't want to.
"You'll never guess what I did yesterday."
You're right, I won't. I won't.
Probably not. Unless it's something
really average, like you had lunch.
You said I'll never guess,
so it's probably something weird,
like you got a chinchilla
and named it "Stewart." I don't know.
So it's hard for me to focus,
and I get, like...
When I was thinking about pigeons
and how disappointed I was in them,
I was... I remembered that I had rescued
the pigeon 'cause I'd forgotten.
I was like, "Yeah, I rescued
that one-legged pigeon."
And when I wrote down "legged,"
I did the hyphen thing,
and I thought, "leg-ged" or "legged"?
Is it "legged"?
"One-leg-ged"?
"One-legged" pigeon or "one-leg-ged"?
It's not "one arm-med."
You don't "one arm-med." Armed.
But it's two Gs, so "leg-ged"?
You don't go, "I beg-ged for food."
No. You don't stay, "I got mug-ged."
It's "leg-ged." Or "legged."
"One-leg pigeon." "One-legged"?
"One-leg-ged." "One-leg pigeon."
"One-leg-ged." "One-leg pigeon"?
"One-leg-ged pigeon." A one-leg...
"One-leg-ged." "One-leg pigeon."
"One-leg-ged" pigeon.
So, I have ADD. I have OCD.
I'm losing my memory.
But I think I'm well-adjusted
because I obsess on things
but don't have
the attention span to stick with it,
then I forget what I was
obsessing about in the first place.
So it takes me all the way around
to being well-adjusted, I think.
Yeah.
I'm very impatient.
That is a problem for me.
I'm very impatient.
It's hard for me to live in the moment.
We're supposed to live in the moment.
But every moment...
Eh...
The spiritual teacher Ram Dass
wrote a book called Be Here Now.
I'd like to write one for people
with ADD and call it,
Yeah, but What's That over There?
There are all these books out there
telling us how to live,
telling us why we're here.
'Cause why are we here, really?
I mean, obviously, to gossip
and make fun of each other
on the internet, but why else?
These things I think about
now that I'm older.
I'm 66 years old, and I...
Thank you.
That's how you know you're old,
you get the applause.
You don't get it when you're 30,
or even in your 50s.
It starts around 60.
So I don't like the word "old."
I think it's a bad word.
It just sounds bad. "Old."
"Is that bread still good?"
"No, that's old."
"Old."
And I don't feel old.
The only time I feel old
is when I'm in a restaurant
trying to read a menu.
That is the only time I feel old.
Yeah.
You know all the reasons.
It's like, too dark in there.
It's always too dark.
And the way they think they're gonna help,
they put a tealight candle on the table.
Which does nothing. I blow it out.
I just blow it out and, "Oh, okay."
You're gonna light it again?
All right, I'm just gonna...
Because it doesn't do anything.
That's why.
Why are you lighting...
Okay, I'll do it again.
I'm just gonna put it in my pocket.
How about that?
You can't see.
And if you put your flashlight
on your phone to try to read the menu,
that just automatically says, "Old."
That's just...
That's... They should come
with a sound effect.
When you put the flashlight on...
"Old!" It should just be "Old!"
And even if you can see,
the print is so small.
I don't know who is printing these menus,
but the print is so tiny.
It's like they're using a jeweler's loupe
to make the font. It's tiny, tiny font.
You can't read it.
I'm like, "Can you see that?"
"Does that say 'tortilla' or 'trampoline?'
What does that say to you?"
"I can't see anything. Yeah."
"Hi. Okay, I'll go ahead and order.
"I'm gonna get the pasta with stem cells."
They have a children's menu. They should
have a larger-print menu for older people
with a bendy light so you can see it.
Or, even better, they should
come out in audiobook.
A menu could be an audio...
Meryl Streep reads The Cheesecake Factory.
"Pancakes."
I don't do
impressions, that's...
"Pancakes."
When you're this age, the doctors start
asking you to come in for checkups.
Even though there's nothing wrong
with you, they just want to see you.
It's a scam.
They're just looking for stuff.
They ask you all kinds of personal stuff.
"How many drinks per week do you have?"
First of all, it's none of your business.
Second of all,
I'm gonna lie to you here. Three.
"Drinks per week."
How about I start with "per day"
before I do that math, okay?
"Carry the two."
They just look for stuff.
My doctor said, "When's the last time
you had a bone density test?"
And I said, "A what?"
"Bone density test." I said,
"I've never had a bone density test."
"Well, at your age, you should get one."
I said, "Why? I'm in good shape."
"No, you should get one at your age."
So I got the stupid bone density test.
I'm off the charts.
Below it.
I have full-on osteoporosis.
I don't even know
how I'm standing up right now.
I'm like a human sandcastle.
I could disintegrate in the shower.
I have to take that Prolia shot
every six months.
Remember the commercial
where the woman's walking
and a kid darts out
on the skateboard or something... "Whoa!"
"Whoa!"
That's me.
It's hard to be honest about aging
and seem cool.
Hey, if you got arthritis in your knee,
make some noise!
Oh!
Me, too.
I just had excruciating pain one day,
and I thought
I tore a ligament or something.
I got the MRI, and they're, like,
"No, it's just arthritis."
I said, "How'd I get that?"
He goes, "It just happens at your age."
All these things just happen at your age.
It's around the time
you start watching Wheel of Fortune.
Yeah.
There's no buildup, you just find yourself
sitting there enjoying it one day.
"That's a pretty gown Vanna's wearing."
The prizes are tricky on there, I find.
I think they really are.
I had a 20-minute conversation
about this the other day.
If you land on the dollar amount,
the $300, or the $1,500,
you get that, right?
But if you land on the car.
Honk, honk! Half a car, by the way.
You're trying to land
on the million dollars,
that's what you want.
But the million dollars
is sandwiched in between two bankrupts.
If you freeze-frame it,
you'll notice that the bankrupts
are a little bit larger
than the sliver of the million dollars.
You'll see when you freeze-frame it,
it's just...
When you land on it,
you're like, "I got a million dollars!"
But no, you don't.
You have to have so many other things
that line up to get that,
which I was telling myself
when Portia walked in
and said, "Who are you talking to?"
Another thing that happens when you age,
you just start talking to yourself.
I'd probably be doing this exact
same thing right now if you weren't here.
Aging is very interesting.
Aging is tough on its own, but aging...
Then you have aging parents, which
a lot of people are dealing with now,
which is really, really tough.
My father is no longer with us.
Well, he was never with you, um...
My mother has dementia now, and, um...
which is a horrible disease.
And so many people
are dealing with it right now.
My mother is lucky in the sense
that she doesn't know she has it.
So she's actually happy.
She's really happy.
She's in a really nice place.
I have her in, uh... a facility that...
They have a lot of activities
to keep them stimulated.
There's painting,
and arts and crafts, and bus rides,
and different things that happen, um...
I don't know whose idea this was,
but someone booked a magician.
He...
He was so excited to be there.
He was wearing a tuxedo that fit him
at one point in his life, and...
he's sitting, and he's got a table.
Thirteen women
in different stages of dementia, and...
"Pick a card."
Eh?
"I can't see it. What is it?"
"It's a queen of hearts."
"No, don't tell her.
I want you to look at it, and just..."
"You just look at that
and remember it, okay."
"All right."
"Put it back in the deck now."
He goes through the whole thing.
"Is this your card?"
"No." "Yes, it is!"
"Yes!"
"That's your card!"
"No."
"You picked that card. Put it back in."
Oh, he got so mad. He just...
He didn't even have to do anything.
He could have left the room and come back.
"Oh, a magician!"
You know, they would have been like...
God...
It's always interesting
having a conversation with her.
You never know what you're gonna get.
And not too long ago, she said,
"You didn't go to college, did you?"
I said, "No."
She goes, "That's a shame.
I would have been so proud of you."
I said, "Well, I think I did okay."
"I had that show you liked.
Remember the show?"
"Yeah, I still watch it every day."
I said, "No, I don't think so, um..."
"Yeah, I watch it every day."
I said, "No, it's not on anymore."
And she goes, "Then, who am I watching?"
"Kelly Clarkson. Judge Judy.
I don't know."
"Well, yesterday's was very good.
It was the best one yet." Okay.
You know, I realize now that my whole life
was wrapped up in that show,
and my mother's whole identity
was being Ellen's mom.
And now I don't have a show,
and she doesn't know she's my mom.
She just thinks I'm a nice lady
that visits her.
Although, there's a good chance
she thinks I'm Kelly Ripa, but...
But she's happy,
and that's all that matters.
And I'm happy too.
Uh...
Yeah.
I'm happy not being a boss or a brand
or a billboard, just a person.
Just a multifaceted person
with different feelings and emotions,
and I can be happy and sad
and compassionate or frustrated.
I have OCD and ADD.
I'm honest. I'm generous.
I'm sensitive and thoughtful.
But I'm tough and I'm impatient
and I'm demanding.
I'm direct. I'm a strong woman.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I'm proud of who I've become.
When you're a public figure,
you're open to everyone's interpretation.
I'm sure you've heard the saying,
"What other people think of me
is none of my business."
People will say all kinds of things,
and you have no control over that.
But you know the truth,
and that's all that matters.
But that is easier said than done
because being in this business,
I have had to care what people think.
Because being a comedian or a host,
it's our only real currency for success.
If they like you, you're in,
and if they don't, you're out.
And I've spent an entire lifetime
trying to make people happy,
and I've cared far too much
what other people think of me.
So the thought of anyone
thinking that I'm mean
was devastating to me,
and it consumed me for a long time.
But with time, you gain perspective,
which is one good thing about aging.
It doesn't totally make up
for arthritis and brittle bones, but...
But with perspective,
you realize that caring what people think,
to a degree, is healthy.
But not if it affects your mental health.
So after a lifetime of caring,
I just can't anymore.
So I don't.
But, if I'm being honest...
...and I have a choice of people
remembering me as someone who is mean,
or someone who is beloved.
"Belove-ed"? "Beloved"?
Beloved. Someone who is beloved?
Someone who is "belove-ed." Beloved.
"Beloved-ed." Someone who's beloved.
Someone who is "beloved-ed."
Someone who is beloved.
I choose that.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you. Have a seat.
Thank you so much. Wow.
Wow.
Well...
Wow.
Um...
First of all...
First of all, that was just, um,
unbelievably beautiful, and, um...
You know, there is just nothing better
than being surrounded
by endorphins and joy,
and we don't get that that often now,
and this was beautiful tonight.
This was absolutely...
I, um...
I had no intention of doing a special.
I had no intention of doing
anything ever again after the show.
And I really, uh...
I didn't think I'd ever
find the funny in it.
And the fact that I have been
able to travel and do this
and see the love and support
that is still there for me,
which I didn't know I had.
Um...
It is...
It's been... It's been beyond healing
to say the words every night,
to-to feel the support and the love.
And so I am so glad I got to do this.
I'm so glad I got to say
goodbye on my terms,
and I can't thank you enough.
Um...
This is a night I will always remember.
And, uh, I... I just... I just...
Thank you.
And I just want to bring my wife out here
'cause it's our anniversary.
She's crying...
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, thank you.
I'm taking my freedom
Pulling it off the shelf
Putting it on my chain
Wearing it around my neck
I'm taking my freedom
Putting it in my car
Wherever I choose to go
It will take me far
I'm living my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Golden
I'm taking my own freedom
Putting it in my song
Singing loud and strong
Groovin' all day long...
do stand-up live,
you are in for a treat tonight.
Two minutes.
...her first appearance
on network television.
Would you welcome Ellen DeGeneres.
Wouldn't it be great
if we could pick up the phone
and call up God and ask,
"Yeah, hi, God. This is Ellen."
"Ellen."
"DeGeneres."
"DeGeneres."
"W-What's so funny?"
"I never thought of that.
It does sound like that, doesn't it?"
My grandmother started walking
five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 today.
We don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen is on the fast track.
She's one of the top
female comedians on television.
Ellen's new sitcom
is a certifiable top-ten hit.
The real Ellen is putting
all that success and fame at risk.
Susan...
I'm gay.
More than 36 million people
watched her coming-out episode.
Why did you think it was necessary
for you to come out?
Because it's okay.
Ellen finds herself
at the center of a storm of controversy.
Being accused
of going too far, too gay.
When life gets you down,
you know what you gotta do?
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming
She may have pulled off
one of the greatest comebacks of all time.
The Ellen Show has become one
of the most popular shows in the world,
praised for delivering a daily dose of joy
with its unique mix of dancing, games,
talk, and millions of dollars
in audience giveaways.
Spreading laughter
seems to be working well
for the entertainer and comedian,
and she's showing no signs
of slowing down.
A few years ago, I started ending my show
by saying, "Be kind to one another."
Here's the downside, um,
I can never do anything
unkind ever now, ever.
Breaking news tonight.
Is the queen of nice
really the queen of mean?
Respond to this
with the most insane stories
about Ellen being mean.
She's not
the happy-go-lucky nice person...
Ellen DeGeneres
is under fire again
with accusations
of a toxic work environment.
Toxic. Phony. Hypocrite. Liar.
Things are spiraling.
Ellen DeGeneres...
DeGeneres... DeGeneres...
It's a breaking story
in the world of entertainment,
and this is great, great news.
Ellen is back.
Although, she's saying
this new special will be her farewell.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much.
It seems like you still care.
You know, I used to say that I didn't care
what other people thought of me.
I realize now, looking back, I said that
at the height of my popularity.
If I look older than when you saw me last,
it's because I'm older
than when you saw me last.
And also,
I stopped doing Botox and filler.
Yeah.
I used to do Botox back when I didn't care
what other people thought of me.
That's when I did it.
Such a waste of time
to worry about what people think of us.
Just a waste of energy.
We're just guessing. We don't know.
It's impossible to know
what people are thinking.
I walk out here tonight
and I'm hoping that you're thinking,
"This is marvelous.
I'm so happy to be here."
That is my hope, but...
Well...
Good.
But some of you could be thinking,
"Let's see how this goes."
Some of you may be thinking,
"Why is she doing this?
Does she owe back taxes?"
I'm here because I love doing stand-up.
I miss doing stand-up,
and I like making people happy,
and I do care what people think.
We all care what people think.
We can say we don't.
We can pretend we don't care.
All it takes is trying to parallel park
in front of a crowded outdoor caf.
Spot looks big enough.
You line it up the way you always do.
You pull in, cut it a little too close.
You're scraping the hubcap
the entire way along the curb.
Making a very loud noise.
Put it in drive, pull out. Try it again.
Now you've overcompensated.
You're sticking so far out,
you're blocking traffic in that lane.
Now you have a decision to make.
Do you have the confidence to pull out
and do it right this time?
Or do you do that back-and-forth,
back-and-forth, back-and-forth...
inching your way to the curb?
Knowing how long that's gonna take,
and people are watching.
The deep shame you feel
when you give up and drive away.
Even if you're meeting someone, you say,
"I'm so sorry. I couldn't make it."
And they're like, "You did.
I was sitting there, I was watching you."
"I started the chant."
It's funny how we can be embarrassed
all by ourselves in a car.
All by ourselves, for anything,
just any stupid reason.
Like, even if we just can't figure out
how to turn our windshield wipers off.
Which, to me, is one
of the most embarrassing things,
is driving a car when it's not raining
and the windshield wipers are going.
And it's because someone decided
to add a random one.
We had...
The windshield wiper situation was fine.
We had the fast mode for when
it's raining heavily, medium, light.
And then someone decided
we're just gonna wash away
the rain once in a while.
We don't need to see all the time.
And it's always a surprise
'cause you think the rain has stopped,
you've turned it off
and you're driving along,
and five minutes later,
you see this thing, like...
Then you're trying to fiddle with it,
trying to turn it off,
and you don't know how
'cause it's always different.
Sometimes it's on the end of the lever
on the steering wheel.
Sometimes there's a lever
within the lever, the baby lever.
Like the lever had a baby
and it's inside the lever right there.
Tiny baby lever.
You don't trust it
'cause you're just waiting...
Even if it's not going, you're like,
"It's gonna go again.
I know it. I feel it."
And then finally, it does, and then
you feel pretty confident about it.
Then you catch the rearview mirror,
your back one's been on the whole time.
Yeah.
That's what you did.
You turned that one on.
You turn that off,
turn everything back on again.
You have to sell your car.
There's so many extraneous things
in a car we don't need.
For instance, I have never used
my parking brake.
I've never parked my car and thought,
"I want it more parked than this."
There are things you need,
the seat adjustments.
Scoot forward. Lean back. You need those.
Then there's that one button
that inflates the back of the seat,
the one that makes you feel like you're
getting spooned by a pregnant woman.
"Oh boy."
"Ooh!"
"All right."
Apparently, it's for lumbar support.
Got to support your lumbar.
You got to.
It's all any of us knows about the lumbar.
It's got to be supported.
You don't get support for your lumbar
any place other than your car.
You don't even hear about the lumbar
anyplace else.
"Bill, what's wrong? What's happening?"
"It's my damn lumbar."
"I haven't been driving enough lately."
Mm.
That's how you walk
when your lumbar is out.
There are buttons in my car
I've never used, never will use.
There's a button with squiggly lines
next to a misshapen peanut.
I don't know.
I've never touched it.
I'm fine.
There's a button with tally marks next
to a sideways yarmulke. What the hell?
Don't get me started
on the dashboard lights too.
The dashboard lights
are not illuminated all the time.
So when they are,
it must mean something serious, right?
But "check engine"? That's vague.
I've checked it. It's there.
I shouldn't have to guess
from an exclamation point
between two parentheses
that my tire pressure is low.
But if my windshield wiper fluid is low,
all the words,
"windshield wiper fluid low."
"Oh, my God. Pull over!"
Just 'cause I don't know my buttons,
doesn't mean I'm stupid.
Just means I'm not interested.
We're all interested in different things,
all good at different things.
I was talking to someone and they said,
"I don't know how you get on stage.
I could never do that."
I said, "Well, I don't know
how you dry-clean clothes."
Clean clothes dryly.
And then you Martinize on top of that.
Some of you are in your twenties.
You don't know what Martinizing is.
No.
It's not my job to explain it to you.
Also, I don't know and I never have.
Yeah.
None of us do.
Let me catch you up on what's been
going on with me since you saw me last.
I got chickens.
Yeah.
Thank you. I love them so very much.
Chickens are the best bird
to have at home, I think so.
A lot of people think parrots,
but they're so gossipy.
You have to be really careful
what you say around them.
Chickens will never talk.
They have little personalities.
I've always wanted chickens.
Now I have them, they're so cute.
They see me. They recognize me when
I walk towards them, and they run to me.
I put a swing in there for them,
and they get on a swing.
Chicken on a swing. That's ridiculous.
I have a bench in there
and I go sit there,
and they sit on my lap,
and I pet them and they fall asleep,
and they give me an egg every day.
They lay an egg every day.
As someone who hosted a daily talk show,
I can really appreciate that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm sure they're thinking,
"I just laid an egg."
I don't think
I can do that again tomorrow."
And yet, they do.
They're curious little animals too.
They're very curious.
Hey, you know how people always ask,
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
I think I know, now that I have chickens.
It's their innate sense of adventure.
I'm sorry to be just another comedian
going on and on about her chickens.
Another thing about chickens is that, um...
...they... they fly.
People think they're flightless birds,
and that is not true.
They do fly. The longest recorded
chicken flight is 13 seconds.
Isn't that amazing?
Someone thought to time that.
Yeah.
Also, chickens dream.
Scientists have discovered
that chickens dream.
Now listen, I love animals
more than anyone,
but we could take scientists
working on chicken dreams
and move them on over to climate change.
I'm not saying that chicken dreaming
is not worth studying, it is.
But we don't need our top minds on it,
I don't think.
I am curious. What do they dream about?
Probably the same things we do.
Probably flying.
But 14 or 15 seconds for them, you know.
Mm.
That's all for chickens.
Yeah.
Got to save some for the memoir.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Let me see what else I can tell you
about that has been going on.
Chickens...
Oh yeah,
I got kicked out of show business.
Yeah. Yeah.
Thanks.
Yeah, 'cause I'm mean. Yeah.
You can't be mean and be in show business.
No, they'll kick you out.
No mean people in show business.
I'm out.
Yeah, y'all heard I was mean.
Everybody heard that I was mean.
Everywhere I go,
I know everyone's heard that I'm mean.
I know when I walk into a restaurant,
people are watching,
waiting to see if I'll be mean.
"Do you think she'll be mean first
and then dance?"
"Look, she...
Oh, she's reaching for butter."
"I thought she was gonna hit somebody."
"All right, I'm gonna eat. You watch now."
That was a big story, huh?
That had some legs on it.
The first I heard about it,
I... I came across a headline that said,
"How Ellen DeGeneres became
the most hated person in America."
Now, I didn't see the other names
on the ballot, but I have to...
Yeah.
It's... It's an impressive title,
it really is. It's a...
It's a horrible thing to say
about somebody, and to make it worse,
there was no trophy,
no awards banquet, nothing.
Just the title, just, you know...
I made a sash at home
and I wore that around,
just to... to feel
like I had something, you know?
It was quite a shock to me
because for 17 years,
there were all these polls
basically saying I was one of the most
trusted people in the country.
There was a poll that asked people,
"Which celebrity would you most want
to babysit your child?"
And I was the number one answer.
Because when you think "good with kids,"
you immediately think childless,
lesbian stand-up comedian.
Once they heard that I might be mean,
they didn't want me to babysit anymore.
So it wasn't all bad.
No.
I was in therapy for a while
trying to deal
with all the hatred coming at me,
and it was not a common situation
for a therapist to deal with.
My therapist said,
"Ellen, where do you get this idea
that everyone hates you?"
And I said, "Well, um, New York Times,
Washington Post,
Entertainment Weekly, Us Weekly."
"I think Elmo may have said something
recently on an episode of Sesame Street."
She said, "You just need to avoid
looking at the news, just avoid media."
And I was like,
"I am. I'm not looking at anything."
I would know when something was going on
because I'd start
getting text from friends saying,
"Thinking of you," or, "Sending love."
And I'd be like, "Oh."
"Why do I need love sent?"
"The 'be kind' girl wasn't kind."
That was the headline.
Here's the problem.
I'm a comedian who got a talk show,
and I ended the show every day
by saying, "Be kind to one another."
Yeah.
I know. It seemed like a good idea.
But I became a brand,
a one-dimensional character
who gave stuff away
and danced every day up steps.
Do you know how hard it was
to dance up steps?
Would a mean person dance up steps?
I don't think so.
Had I ended my show by saying,
"Go fuck yourselves..."
...people would have been
pleasantly surprised to find out I'm kind.
I loved that show.
I loved everything about that show.
It was a family to me.
Here's something sweet.
Sixteen people who worked there
started out straight,
and by the time they left, were gay.
Yeah.
You don't see Jimmy Kimmel
doing those kind of numbers.
You know what's funny,
is that when I first came out,
people were afraid that
watching my show would turn people gay.
Which is ridiculous.
You have to work there.
You have to fill out a W-2.
And then, you turn gay.
We had so much fun together at that show.
We laughed all the time.
We played games all the time.
I started a game of tag in, like, 2016
that we played all the way
till when the show ended
'cause I just loved playing games.
We played tag, and I would chase
people down the hallways,
I would chase them around the studio
and scare them all the time.
I would jump out, scare people
'cause I would love to do that, and...
Hearing myself say this out loud, I...
realize I was chasing my employees
and terrorizing them.
I can see where
that would be misinterpreted.
Well...
We had morning meetings
every morning in my office.
The producers would come in,
writers would come in,
and we'd talk about what
we were gonna do on the show that day.
And Andy Lassner
was one of my executive producers.
Yeah.
Uh, Andy is a very nervous man, and he...
Everything scares him.
He could drop his pen
and it would startle him.
He's just a nervous man.
And Alison was one of my writers
who was scared of snakes.
Anything snake-related.
So, sometimes,
before they'd come into my office,
we would hide rubber snakes
in a panel in the ceiling,
and I had a button that I could push
that would release the snakes down...
Again, hearing myself say this out loud...
But they liked it.
They did.
There are a lot of perks
with having your own television show.
Number one has to be
the ability to say to someone,
"We should have a panel
in the ceiling that releases snakes."
And then another adult says,
"Yeah, we'll get that started right away."
Scaring was just a big component
of the show.
We would... You know,
we started with scaring guests,
and I don't remember exactly
how it started.
It was some simple, like...
I think Chris Hemsworth, or some
big strong guy that was on the show,
we found out was scared of crickets.
So we had someone dress as a cricket
and sneak up behind his chair
when he was talking, and...
...you know,
make a cricket noise and scare him.
And then it just escalated.
We just decided to make it more surprising
to people, and, eventually,
we, uh, built a table that looked like
the table between me and the guest,
but it was actually a box where someone
could pop out and scare them.
But the guests got wise to that,
and if they saw that it was a box,
they would open it and look in the box.
So we built a tunnel
under the stage that went into the box...
so that when they checked it,
it was empty, and then they'd close it,
and somebody would crawl into the box
from underneath.
I was a very immature boss.
I didn't want to be a boss.
I didn't go to business school.
I went to Charlie's Chuckle Hut.
It looked like I was the boss.
The show is called Ellen, and everybody's
wearing T-shirts that say Ellen,
and there were buildings all over
the Warner Bros. lot that said Ellen.
But I don't think that meant
that I should be in charge.
I don't think that Ronald McDonald's
the CEO of McDonald's.
Everything I knew about being a boss,
I learned from movies.
And those were things like saying,
"Jenkins, my office, now!"
Or, "The name's Frank,
how the hell are you?"
But those were men bosses.
Women bosses
didn't come along for a while,
not till around the time
of Martinizing, I think.
No.
But men bosses
and women bosses are different.
Like, a woman boss couldn't say,
"Jenkins, my office, now."
A woman boss would have to use more words.
A woman boss would have to say
something like,
"Excuse me, Jenkins.
I don't want to bother you."
"If you're not too busy,
could you step into my office real quick?"
"I just have to talk to you for a second.
Thank you so much."
'Cause women are raised
in a different way.
At least I was.
I was raised to be a people pleaser.
I was taught, when I was a little girl,
to be small and quiet and agreeable.
And it's crazy
what I've done with my life,
'cause I'm exactly the opposite
of how I was raised to be.
Yeah.
Most women aren't raised with confidence.
We just aren't.
We're too self-conscious,
which is why you rarely
see a woman playing air guitar.
I love how they make it like it's hard.
Like something's happening there.
Men can get away with acting out things
that aren't actually happening
and not look crazy, somehow.
A man, in the middle of nowhere,
and for no reason,
can practice an imaginary golf swing.
Just...
"Oh, no, I'm not in line."
"I'm just waiting for my latte.
You go ahead."
Men'll jump up and see
if they can slap the top of a doorframe.
I've never had that urge.
"I wonder if I could hit that?"
"Tiffany, hold my purse.
I'm gonna give it a try."
"I couldn't do it! I didn't.
Give me my purse. I didn't do it."
Good.
We have all these unwritten rules
based on gender, of acceptable behavior,
of who we're allowed to be
and how we're allowed to act.
If we don't follow those rules,
it makes people uncomfortable.
When people get uncomfortable,
there are consequences.
For those of you keeping score,
this is the second time
I've been kicked out of show business.
Yeah.
Kicked me out before
'cause I told them I was gay.
No gay people in show business.
No.
They'll kick you out.
Can't be gay and be in show business.
Eventually, they're gonna kick me out
a third time for being old.
Mean, old, and gay. The triple crown.
I knew it was a risk
to tell people I was gay
'cause I knew a lot of people
didn't like gay people.
If they did,
we wouldn't have needed the parade.
Listen, we don't like all of you either,
but we don't make a big thing about it.
Most of us get into this business
because we didn't get enough love
or attention as a child.
So we go into a business that depends
on people liking us to be successful.
What's wrong with us?
For me, it was never about the money.
It was about healing my childhood wounds.
I thought if I could make people happy,
then they'll like me.
And if they like me,
I'll feel good about myself.
And all I can say about that is,
"Thank God for the money."
'Cause it's a fickle business.
They liked me for a long time.
I was on a sitcom, I made them laugh.
They liked me, then I told them
I was gay, and they didn't like me.
Then I got a talk show,
and I gave them TVs and cars,
and I danced, and they liked me.
Then they heard a rumor I was mean,
they didn't like me.
So it's been a real test for my ego
and my self-esteem
because there's such extremes
in this business.
There are people who love you
and idolize you,
and then there are people who hate you,
just really loudly hate you.
So, sometimes, I long for my childhood,
when I just had
good old-fashioned neglect.
What was wrong with that?
It's been two years since the show ended
and it's been an adjustment,
because for 19 years,
I drove onto the Warner Bros. lot,
passed a giant billboard of my face.
So the first thing I did was
I had a giant billboard of my face
installed on my lawn,
so I saw that when I drove in.
Yeah, then I put an "applause" sign
in the dining room,
and that's helping also.
But, really, I've only known myself
working for 40 years.
That's all I've done, is work.
So I didn't really have a lot of free time
and didn't have hobbies.
Now there's a lot of free time,
so I'm trying to figure out
what to do with that.
So I got the chickens, remember?
I don't know if you...
Yeah.
I decided to take up gardening
'cause everybody talks about gardening
and how great gardening is.
It's not.
No.
It's really not.
I got the overalls
and the tool belt and the hat.
I looked adorable. I did.
But I find once you put the plants
in the ground, you're no longer gardening.
You're just waiting, you know?
I tell people I grew these strawberries,
but at best I was just there
when it happened.
It's the sun and the sprinklers
that should take the credit.
I'm more like the strawberries'
godmother showing up on its birthday.
"Look how big you're getting."
"See you at Christmas, maybe."
It is relaxing to be out there, though.
Mainly 'cause the garden gloves make it
impossible for me to look at my phone.
Yeah.
Sometimes, I'll put the garden gloves on
and go inside and lay down.
Yeah.
It's just as relaxing, really.
My garden gloves and my sweatpants...
I live in sw... When I'm at home,
I just wear sweatpants.
I don't understand people
who don't just wear sweatpants at home.
Like, what's the point, you know?
Yeah.
I take off my going-out clothes.
I take those off,
put on my staying-home clothes.
Once I'm in my sweatpants,
I'm not leaving. Not leaving the house.
A few weeks ago,
a friend of mine texted me, and he said,
"Would you like to come over
for a last-minute dinner party for Mick?"
As in Jagger.
Now, I've never met Mick Jagger,
and I would love to meet Mick Jagger,
but I was in my sweatpants already,
and I was not leaving.
That's what I told him,
and he could not believe
that was the reason I wasn't going.
I guess most people
would make something up
because it is a ridiculous reason,
and I know that, but it was the truth.
You know? And, you know,
people say honesty is the best policy.
I don't know why they say that.
It's only the best policy
if it's something
you want to hear, really.
Like, there are certain
degrees of honesty.
If you tell someone
there's something stuck in their teeth,
they don't love that, but they kind of
appreciate that and they'll take that.
But as soon as you tell someone that all
of their stories should be 50% shorter...
Yeah.
...you lose 100% of their friendship,
is what happens.
People say it's hard to tell the truth.
For me, it's hard not to tell the truth.
Which is why it was really difficult
for me to keep my sexuality a secret,
because I felt such guilt
for not being honest about who I was.
I felt shame for how society
was making me feel.
I felt fear for what would happen
to my career if I did come out.
Ultimately, I decided it's more important
for me to be honest about who I am.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They say, "The truth will set you free,"
and it did.
I was free for three years.
Nobody would hire me.
Truth will make you broke.
People lie so much these days,
they really do.
You can tell,
because they make such a big deal of it
when they're telling the truth.
They'll say things like,
"Well, to tell you the truth..."
or, "If I'm being honest..."
If you're being honest?
I prefer it the other way around.
"Listen, I'm gonna lie to you here."
"That lasagna was phenomenal."
Most people tell me
that they appreciate my honesty
because they know
where they stand with me,
but someone did suggest that I get tested
to see if I'm on the spectrum.
And, uh, I'm not on the spectrum.
And I wouldn't care
if I was on the spectrum, but I'm not.
Well, I am on the spectrum.
We all are. It's a spectrum.
I'm on the part of the spectrum
where someone on the spectrum
would have a problem with me saying
I'm on the spectrum, so...
Yeah, that's right.
But I may have OCD
because a therapist said so.
And I said, "Yes, I am very organized,"
because I thought that was the "O."
I didn't know what OCD was.
I was raised in a religion,
Christian Science,
that doesn't acknowledge
diseases or disorders.
So, when I was growing up,
nobody talked about anything.
There was no discussion of anything.
I look back now, and I realize
my dad for sure had OCD.
He would check the doorknob
15 times before we would leave.
He would check the faucet 15 times.
He would unplug all the appliances
before we left the house
because lightning could strike,
and it would catch fire.
They say it could be hereditary.
So I went home and I asked Portia,
I said, "Do you think I may have OCD?"
And she said, "Yes, you do."
Barely got that sentence out, really.
It's funny, I've never thought
of myself as obsessive.
I think of myself as careful,
and everyone else
careless and out of control.
I asked her what I obsess about,
and she said, "You obsess about time."
And that is true. I don't like to be late.
I like to be on time.
So, sometimes, that makes us early.
This is the example she said
I should share with you.
I, um...
There are many,
but this is the one she said.
Usher was having an after-party
for the Grammys one year,
and we got there so early,
it was just us and the staff.
Yup.
Yup.
We helped place candles on tables.
I invoiced him $200.
These are my confessions.
I just don't know why the invitation
says a certain time for a party to start,
and then everyone goes
an hour or two later.
People seem to think that 6:00 means 7:00,
7:00 means 8:00, 8:00 means 9:00.
9:00 means nothing to me,
'cause I'm not going.
9:00.
Who starts something at 9:00?
Anyway, I obsess on time,
and, uh, I obsess on animals.
I know I obsess on animals
'cause I love them too much.
Like, way too much.
I think about how they see things
and what they feel and what they think.
And I worry about butterflies
in rainstorms, and how delicate they are,
and how their little tiny feet
are holding on to a blade of grass,
trying to...
Winds blowing...
The rain is happening
on their little tiny wings...
Saturating their wings,
and their feet holding...
Especially if it's a butterfly.
What if it's his first day, and they're,
like, "Is this life? This is horrible."
Ooh...
"I should have stayed
a caterpillar."
The monarch butterfly, think about that.
How crazy is that story?
You know the story.
I don't have to tell you.
But I will. The little tiny caterpillar...
I mean, how does it even
make it past the caterpillar stage?
It's a larva, and then that
somehow gets into a caterpillar.
And a caterpillar just...
And somehow, it just knows instinctively
it's time for that part
of its life to change.
"That's done. I'm gonna put
myself into a chrysalis."
And then it turns into liquid somehow.
And then it becomes a butterfly
flying for the first time.
And it looks drunk and confused,
the way they, you know...
And they make it to Mexico that way.
I don't know how.
The butterfly is beautiful,
and people talk about the butterfly,
but the butterfly wouldn't be
the butterfly without the caterpillar.
I mean, the deep knowing
that that caterpillar has.
Its only perspective
is crawling on the ground
and it's looking
at other crawling things saying,
"I'm gonna fly someday."
"And I'm gonna go to Mexico."
And they're like, "No, you're not."
"And what's Mexico?"
But I don't know if we really fully
appreciate what that metamorphosis is.
The fact that it's a caterpillar,
it knows to change
and becomes this other thing entirely.
That's genius. It's brilliance.
And the octopus, the octopus
being able to change texture and shape
and form and color instantaneously,
depending on what it's on.
That's genius.
A colony of ants or of bees,
the way they communicate,
and there's no chaos
between all of those things.
Everything in nature is living up
to its full potential.
But I am so disappointed in pigeons.
What happened to them?
I mean, pigeons,
they have built-in GPS in their beaks.
And they can fly for hundreds of miles.
In World War II, they saved lives.
They were taking messages from generals
to other generals and saving lives.
There are pictures of them
in the newspaper with medals,
not pinned, but around their necks,
that they received for what they did
in World War II, and now look at them.
Just pecking at old gum
in filthy alleyways and parking lots.
They could be anywhere.
I would feel sorry for them,
but they made a choice.
I mean, they barely fly anymore.
They... They're just, uh, filthy.
And even if a car is coming,
they don't even fly to get out of the way.
"All right. Okay, all right. Okay!"
"All right. Okay, okay, all right. Okay!"
Sometimes, it looks like
they're gonna do something important.
You'll see a bunch,
and they all get up at once.
Again, that kind of communication.
All of them get up at once, they fly,
and they just go in one big circle,
and they go right back to where they were.
God, you guys.
Not living up to their potential.
I rescued a pigeon one time.
I'll rescue anything.
I've always tried to save animals
my whole life.
But I saw a one-legged pigeon
on the street near where I lived,
and I took it home because I knew
it wasn't gonna make it on the street
and I didn't know how to take care of it.
I mean, never had a pigeon,
so I just threw gum and trash down...
...dirt, thinking that's what it eats.
You know, because I've never seen it...
It didn't make it.
I'll rescue anything. I really will.
And if I see a sign of someone
posting a cat or a dog missing,
when they post those pictures,
I will drive around
and I will try to find that animal.
And it's not just for the reward money.
It's not.
No.
I rescued a dog one time.
I was driving,
and I see this dog all by itself,
and I get out of the car,
and it's soaking wet.
I'm like, "Oh my God,
what happened to you?"
Take it home, dry it off,
stays with me for the night.
Put out posters the next afternoon.
Get a call from the people saying,
"Thank God. Where did you find it?"
And I told them, and they said,
"That's where we live."
Yeah.
They said, "We had just given it a bath,
and we put her on the lawn to dry out."
It was pretty close to the sidewalk
when I saw it.
Anyway, I obsess on things.
I have ADD,
and I blame the talk show for that
because for 19 years, I was talking
to people in five-minute segments.
When I'm at a party and someone's
talking to me longer than five minutes,
I have the urge to say,
"I'm sorry, we have to take a break."
Parties are hard for me.
Parties are very hard for me.
People are wanting to talk and stuff, and...
They always talk
about books they're reading.
I don't read. I want to.
I try to read, but my ADD
makes it really hard for me.
As much as I try to focus on the words,
I end up thinking about
a sandwich I had earlier that day.
Moby Dick, for me,
is two pages about a whale
and 425 pages about me wondering if I
should grow my hair out or keep it short.
I've had it short for a while.
I should try to grow it out, probably.
Maybe to my shoulder-length
or something like that.
Not much longer than that.
I wonder how long that would take, though?
I should probably keep it short, I think.
That's better.
Why not try something different, though?
I should.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's done.
Yeah.
Yeah, my ADD makes it really hard for me
to sit down and focus on anything at all.
Like, do you know how hard it was
for me to put this together?
Of course you don't.
Why would I ask that question?
Why do people ask people questions
they know they don't have the answer to?
Why do people say,
"Guess what I did yesterday?"
Do I have to? Is it a game?
Is there a prize? I don't want to.
"You'll never guess what I did yesterday."
You're right, I won't. I won't.
Probably not. Unless it's something
really average, like you had lunch.
You said I'll never guess,
so it's probably something weird,
like you got a chinchilla
and named it "Stewart." I don't know.
So it's hard for me to focus,
and I get, like...
When I was thinking about pigeons
and how disappointed I was in them,
I was... I remembered that I had rescued
the pigeon 'cause I'd forgotten.
I was like, "Yeah, I rescued
that one-legged pigeon."
And when I wrote down "legged,"
I did the hyphen thing,
and I thought, "leg-ged" or "legged"?
Is it "legged"?
"One-leg-ged"?
"One-legged" pigeon or "one-leg-ged"?
It's not "one arm-med."
You don't "one arm-med." Armed.
But it's two Gs, so "leg-ged"?
You don't go, "I beg-ged for food."
No. You don't stay, "I got mug-ged."
It's "leg-ged." Or "legged."
"One-leg pigeon." "One-legged"?
"One-leg-ged." "One-leg pigeon."
"One-leg-ged." "One-leg pigeon"?
"One-leg-ged pigeon." A one-leg...
"One-leg-ged." "One-leg pigeon."
"One-leg-ged" pigeon.
So, I have ADD. I have OCD.
I'm losing my memory.
But I think I'm well-adjusted
because I obsess on things
but don't have
the attention span to stick with it,
then I forget what I was
obsessing about in the first place.
So it takes me all the way around
to being well-adjusted, I think.
Yeah.
I'm very impatient.
That is a problem for me.
I'm very impatient.
It's hard for me to live in the moment.
We're supposed to live in the moment.
But every moment...
Eh...
The spiritual teacher Ram Dass
wrote a book called Be Here Now.
I'd like to write one for people
with ADD and call it,
Yeah, but What's That over There?
There are all these books out there
telling us how to live,
telling us why we're here.
'Cause why are we here, really?
I mean, obviously, to gossip
and make fun of each other
on the internet, but why else?
These things I think about
now that I'm older.
I'm 66 years old, and I...
Thank you.
That's how you know you're old,
you get the applause.
You don't get it when you're 30,
or even in your 50s.
It starts around 60.
So I don't like the word "old."
I think it's a bad word.
It just sounds bad. "Old."
"Is that bread still good?"
"No, that's old."
"Old."
And I don't feel old.
The only time I feel old
is when I'm in a restaurant
trying to read a menu.
That is the only time I feel old.
Yeah.
You know all the reasons.
It's like, too dark in there.
It's always too dark.
And the way they think they're gonna help,
they put a tealight candle on the table.
Which does nothing. I blow it out.
I just blow it out and, "Oh, okay."
You're gonna light it again?
All right, I'm just gonna...
Because it doesn't do anything.
That's why.
Why are you lighting...
Okay, I'll do it again.
I'm just gonna put it in my pocket.
How about that?
You can't see.
And if you put your flashlight
on your phone to try to read the menu,
that just automatically says, "Old."
That's just...
That's... They should come
with a sound effect.
When you put the flashlight on...
"Old!" It should just be "Old!"
And even if you can see,
the print is so small.
I don't know who is printing these menus,
but the print is so tiny.
It's like they're using a jeweler's loupe
to make the font. It's tiny, tiny font.
You can't read it.
I'm like, "Can you see that?"
"Does that say 'tortilla' or 'trampoline?'
What does that say to you?"
"I can't see anything. Yeah."
"Hi. Okay, I'll go ahead and order.
"I'm gonna get the pasta with stem cells."
They have a children's menu. They should
have a larger-print menu for older people
with a bendy light so you can see it.
Or, even better, they should
come out in audiobook.
A menu could be an audio...
Meryl Streep reads The Cheesecake Factory.
"Pancakes."
I don't do
impressions, that's...
"Pancakes."
When you're this age, the doctors start
asking you to come in for checkups.
Even though there's nothing wrong
with you, they just want to see you.
It's a scam.
They're just looking for stuff.
They ask you all kinds of personal stuff.
"How many drinks per week do you have?"
First of all, it's none of your business.
Second of all,
I'm gonna lie to you here. Three.
"Drinks per week."
How about I start with "per day"
before I do that math, okay?
"Carry the two."
They just look for stuff.
My doctor said, "When's the last time
you had a bone density test?"
And I said, "A what?"
"Bone density test." I said,
"I've never had a bone density test."
"Well, at your age, you should get one."
I said, "Why? I'm in good shape."
"No, you should get one at your age."
So I got the stupid bone density test.
I'm off the charts.
Below it.
I have full-on osteoporosis.
I don't even know
how I'm standing up right now.
I'm like a human sandcastle.
I could disintegrate in the shower.
I have to take that Prolia shot
every six months.
Remember the commercial
where the woman's walking
and a kid darts out
on the skateboard or something... "Whoa!"
"Whoa!"
That's me.
It's hard to be honest about aging
and seem cool.
Hey, if you got arthritis in your knee,
make some noise!
Oh!
Me, too.
I just had excruciating pain one day,
and I thought
I tore a ligament or something.
I got the MRI, and they're, like,
"No, it's just arthritis."
I said, "How'd I get that?"
He goes, "It just happens at your age."
All these things just happen at your age.
It's around the time
you start watching Wheel of Fortune.
Yeah.
There's no buildup, you just find yourself
sitting there enjoying it one day.
"That's a pretty gown Vanna's wearing."
The prizes are tricky on there, I find.
I think they really are.
I had a 20-minute conversation
about this the other day.
If you land on the dollar amount,
the $300, or the $1,500,
you get that, right?
But if you land on the car.
Honk, honk! Half a car, by the way.
You're trying to land
on the million dollars,
that's what you want.
But the million dollars
is sandwiched in between two bankrupts.
If you freeze-frame it,
you'll notice that the bankrupts
are a little bit larger
than the sliver of the million dollars.
You'll see when you freeze-frame it,
it's just...
When you land on it,
you're like, "I got a million dollars!"
But no, you don't.
You have to have so many other things
that line up to get that,
which I was telling myself
when Portia walked in
and said, "Who are you talking to?"
Another thing that happens when you age,
you just start talking to yourself.
I'd probably be doing this exact
same thing right now if you weren't here.
Aging is very interesting.
Aging is tough on its own, but aging...
Then you have aging parents, which
a lot of people are dealing with now,
which is really, really tough.
My father is no longer with us.
Well, he was never with you, um...
My mother has dementia now, and, um...
which is a horrible disease.
And so many people
are dealing with it right now.
My mother is lucky in the sense
that she doesn't know she has it.
So she's actually happy.
She's really happy.
She's in a really nice place.
I have her in, uh... a facility that...
They have a lot of activities
to keep them stimulated.
There's painting,
and arts and crafts, and bus rides,
and different things that happen, um...
I don't know whose idea this was,
but someone booked a magician.
He...
He was so excited to be there.
He was wearing a tuxedo that fit him
at one point in his life, and...
he's sitting, and he's got a table.
Thirteen women
in different stages of dementia, and...
"Pick a card."
Eh?
"I can't see it. What is it?"
"It's a queen of hearts."
"No, don't tell her.
I want you to look at it, and just..."
"You just look at that
and remember it, okay."
"All right."
"Put it back in the deck now."
He goes through the whole thing.
"Is this your card?"
"No." "Yes, it is!"
"Yes!"
"That's your card!"
"No."
"You picked that card. Put it back in."
Oh, he got so mad. He just...
He didn't even have to do anything.
He could have left the room and come back.
"Oh, a magician!"
You know, they would have been like...
God...
It's always interesting
having a conversation with her.
You never know what you're gonna get.
And not too long ago, she said,
"You didn't go to college, did you?"
I said, "No."
She goes, "That's a shame.
I would have been so proud of you."
I said, "Well, I think I did okay."
"I had that show you liked.
Remember the show?"
"Yeah, I still watch it every day."
I said, "No, I don't think so, um..."
"Yeah, I watch it every day."
I said, "No, it's not on anymore."
And she goes, "Then, who am I watching?"
"Kelly Clarkson. Judge Judy.
I don't know."
"Well, yesterday's was very good.
It was the best one yet." Okay.
You know, I realize now that my whole life
was wrapped up in that show,
and my mother's whole identity
was being Ellen's mom.
And now I don't have a show,
and she doesn't know she's my mom.
She just thinks I'm a nice lady
that visits her.
Although, there's a good chance
she thinks I'm Kelly Ripa, but...
But she's happy,
and that's all that matters.
And I'm happy too.
Uh...
Yeah.
I'm happy not being a boss or a brand
or a billboard, just a person.
Just a multifaceted person
with different feelings and emotions,
and I can be happy and sad
and compassionate or frustrated.
I have OCD and ADD.
I'm honest. I'm generous.
I'm sensitive and thoughtful.
But I'm tough and I'm impatient
and I'm demanding.
I'm direct. I'm a strong woman.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I'm proud of who I've become.
When you're a public figure,
you're open to everyone's interpretation.
I'm sure you've heard the saying,
"What other people think of me
is none of my business."
People will say all kinds of things,
and you have no control over that.
But you know the truth,
and that's all that matters.
But that is easier said than done
because being in this business,
I have had to care what people think.
Because being a comedian or a host,
it's our only real currency for success.
If they like you, you're in,
and if they don't, you're out.
And I've spent an entire lifetime
trying to make people happy,
and I've cared far too much
what other people think of me.
So the thought of anyone
thinking that I'm mean
was devastating to me,
and it consumed me for a long time.
But with time, you gain perspective,
which is one good thing about aging.
It doesn't totally make up
for arthritis and brittle bones, but...
But with perspective,
you realize that caring what people think,
to a degree, is healthy.
But not if it affects your mental health.
So after a lifetime of caring,
I just can't anymore.
So I don't.
But, if I'm being honest...
...and I have a choice of people
remembering me as someone who is mean,
or someone who is beloved.
"Belove-ed"? "Beloved"?
Beloved. Someone who is beloved?
Someone who is "belove-ed." Beloved.
"Beloved-ed." Someone who's beloved.
Someone who is "beloved-ed."
Someone who is beloved.
I choose that.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you. Have a seat.
Thank you so much. Wow.
Wow.
Well...
Wow.
Um...
First of all...
First of all, that was just, um,
unbelievably beautiful, and, um...
You know, there is just nothing better
than being surrounded
by endorphins and joy,
and we don't get that that often now,
and this was beautiful tonight.
This was absolutely...
I, um...
I had no intention of doing a special.
I had no intention of doing
anything ever again after the show.
And I really, uh...
I didn't think I'd ever
find the funny in it.
And the fact that I have been
able to travel and do this
and see the love and support
that is still there for me,
which I didn't know I had.
Um...
It is...
It's been... It's been beyond healing
to say the words every night,
to-to feel the support and the love.
And so I am so glad I got to do this.
I'm so glad I got to say
goodbye on my terms,
and I can't thank you enough.
Um...
This is a night I will always remember.
And, uh, I... I just... I just...
Thank you.
And I just want to bring my wife out here
'cause it's our anniversary.
She's crying...
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, thank you.
I'm taking my freedom
Pulling it off the shelf
Putting it on my chain
Wearing it around my neck
I'm taking my freedom
Putting it in my car
Wherever I choose to go
It will take me far
I'm living my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden
Golden
I'm taking my own freedom
Putting it in my song
Singing loud and strong
Groovin' all day long...