Elling (2001) Movie Script
I've always been a mommy's boy.
I was an only child, as my mother.
We enjoyed each other's company.
No one ever came to visit.
But when mother died, they came.
Total strangers, that wanted to
talk to me about my life.
Didn't they have their own lives to talk about?
It is generous of the Norwegian
government to supply a place -
- for people who are in a...
hectic phase in their lives.
But I just wanted to be left alone.
I hated that the institution insisted we open up.
Talk about mother and me and our
intense two-ness through 40 years.
My roommate was an orangutan
who only cared about women and food.
I'm not thrilled about being here either.
I'm almost 40, and I've never fucked.
You have half your life ahead of you.
I have half my life behind me, live in
a nuthouse, and have never fucked.
- It's overrated.
- Is fucking overrated?
- You get tired of it.
- I'd never get tired of fucking.
I've never had many friends.
None, actually.
But it became clear that Kjell Bjarne
needed a... spiritual guide.
I was third mate on a cruise ship.
Came to a brothel in the Caribbean.
With naked chicks?
I impressed the Negresses so much
that they forgot to charge me.
Holy shit!
Kjell Bjarne liked my stories so much
that he shared them with Gunn.
- Elling has lied to you, Kjell Bjarne.
- Lied?
- Aren't you in Bandidos?
- I'm not exactly a member.
- The chick you fucked on a motorbike?
- All lies.
You're just jealous, Gunn.
Eventually things settled down.
The lady on that tropical island
that rubbed you and herself in with...
Oil? Another lie.
I don't give a shit.
- Do you mean that?
- Sure. As long as you tell it again.
Kjell Bjarne never shared
another story with Gunn.
And after two years the Norwegian
government decided -
- to give Kjell Bjarne and me our
own welfare apartment.
Bye.
In the center of Oslo!
From there we are going to
attempt a return to reality.
Yes? Where to?
Kjell Bjarne and I are of course going to Oslo.
One way?
Are there different ways?
The quickest way to Oslo.
We are going to be met by
social worker Frank Aasli.
You work for the government too.
Are you generally nice people?
130 kroner each.
It cost 25 kroner when mother
and I took the train.
- That must have been 30 years ago.
- It was.
Come on, Elling.
Elling!
Hey! Elling and Kjell Bjarne?
The merry travelers.
Are you... Frank Aasli?
- Do they have hot dogs here?
- How was your trip?
- What's your name again?
- Frank Aasli, Kjell Bjarne!
- And you are a social worker?
- That's right.
- Are you married, Frank Aasli?
- Yes.
- Is she nice, Frank Aasli?
- Nice enough. Call me Frank.
- What's her name, Frank?
- Kjell Bjarne!
- Does she have any girlfriends?
- Kjell Bjarne!
Come on. Third floor.
Relax. This is your home now.
Either of you have a cigarette?
It's up to you to prove you can live alone.
Shop, cook...
Answer the phone.
Prove that you can live normal lives.
If you fail, there are plenty of people
waiting for this apartment.
- Isn't there any food here?
- No. You have to get it yourself.
Down the street to the left.
Ill come around and check on you.
I like good plans and fair deals.
And you each get your own bedroom.
Elling?
This is your room.
And you go down here, Kjell Bjarne.
Now put down that damn luggage!
- Is this my room?
- Great, huh? Your very own room.
Here's my phone number. But remember,
I have twelve people to care for.
Just like Jesus. He also had
twelve people to take care of.
Let's get something to eat.
On the county's dime.
Come on, Elling. The county is buying us dinner.
We just got here. Why go out
just to eat some lousy food?
To celebrate your new home.
Why not celebrate our new
home in our new home?
- We don't have anything to eat!
- Elling can buy us some food.
I've always had two enemies:
dizziness and anxiety.
Right around the corner.
They follow me, wherever I go.
Come on, you hippo!
I'm fine.
I'm fine, Frank. Just fine.
This is social worker Frank Aasli.
Have a slice, Elling.
You have to eat something.
No thank you.
No one can order me to eat, Frank.
You didn't move here to
sit and stare at the wall!
I expect you to go out again.
Fine, Kjell Bjarne.
Now it will be just like at the institution, Elling.
- I want to listen, Elling.
- Sure, but not to that.
There is only one station:
The Norwegian state station.
- Do you have a picture of your mom?
- Thought we could decorate.
Decorate with your mom? Hardly!
If my mom showed up, I'd throw her and
my fucking step dad out on their asses!
Your mother gave birth to you, fed you,
washed your clothes.
Not my mom.
- Haven't you ever wanted to kill her?
- Why would I want to kill mother?
How about your dad? Was he nice?
Father died two weeks before I was born,
but I think mother liked him.
- I'm hungry, Elling.
- The store is out the door to the left.
Well done, Kjell Bjarne!
This is the best damn food
I have ever tasted.
NORWAYS FORMER PRIME MINISTER
Mother handled practical matters at home.
I was in charge of ideology.
The Norwegian Labor Party was an
excellent judge of right and wrong.
It's your turn to shop.
You haven't been outside once!
I have done other things.
And who eats all the food, anyway?
We should go out, like Frank says.
Go somewhere with chicks.
I've said it before: Women like clean,
shaved men, not 14-day-old sweat...
It hasn't been 14 days. Ten, max!
That's the last time I go shopping!
Wrong number again.
Elling?
Kjell Bjarne?
Are you in there?
Why don't you answer the phone?
It must be broken.
I've dialed again and again.
It doesn't work.
Shape up, boys.
You have to stick to our deal.
If this is to work, I have to be able
to reach you by phone.
Kjell Bjarne...
Fine.
We'll just have to practice again.
- I have to organize my toolbox.
- No, you are both coming with me.
When the phone rings, you pick up
the receiver and say hello.
Elling first.
Let's pretend it's ringing.
Ring. Ring.
Answer the phone.
- Answer, Elling.
- Pick it up and say hello.
Come on.
Come on, Elling.
- Hello?
- Hi. It's Frank. How are you?
- Pick it up!
- Hi, I'm thirsty. Likewise. Bye.
Great, Elling. One more time.
Mother handled all our phone calls at home.
Your mother is dead. This is your home now.
You have to answer.
Say something, Elling.
Talk, Elling!
It's not natural to talk into a plastic gizmo
to someone you can't even see!
You need to get out more among people.
Why have an apartment if we have
to leave it all the time?
If you don't do as I say, you won't
have an apartment at all.
Elling, maybe we should go out like Frank says.
No women are going to come here
if they don't know we live here.
We don't have to go out to
meet women, Kjell Bjarne.
Frank deserves credit for teaching
us how to use the phone.
I just love sex! I'm sitting here
playing with myself. Touch my tits...
Four thousand kroner!
It's your choice: Pussy talk or apartment?
You don't meet people over the phone!
You have enough money.
It's a matter of prioritizing.
That's what I tell Kjell Bjarne.
Prioritize, prioritize, prioritize!
- I've never heard that.
- Yes, you have!
Shut up!
A final warning: Stick to our deal.
I want to see progress.
I said we should go out.
Where, with minus 4000 kroner?
A Salvation Army soup kitchen?
- Good idea. Let's go to the movies.
- No.
- Come on, Elling.
- No.
Two against one.
That's how it's always been.
But when three grown men argue,
the tone can get pretty rough.
- Best damn movie I've ever seen!
- Good movie, Elling?
I consider myself a modern
liberal man of the town, -
- but I refuse to applaud
the breakdown of society!
- It was a comedy.
- Didn't you get it?
It was not funny. You don't
understand anything.
Nothing's good enough for you.
I can't talk to you when you're in that mood.
- Let's go eat.
- Not out again, Frank.
- You had to come home to crap.
- Public restrooms are not my forte.
I look forward to seeing what your forte is!
No smoking in here.
No more staying cooped up here.
Time to tighten the reins.
He sticks his nose in everything.
Nothing is good enough.
And he mocks my ideals.
Why don't we try to go out,
just the two of us?
I'm scared too, Elling. But we have money.
And we only live once.
I sure hope so. The concept of
reincarnation has troubled me.
Someone like me must have an incredibly
long way left to Nirvana.
Let's go to the caf around the corner.
The other day they had pork and gravy.
If things get bad, we can walk home again.
Or run.
It's that simple.
Come on, Elling!
Come on.
It's right across the street and to the right.
Just stick to the zebra stripes.
Here I walk, along with one of
life's simpler apostles.
Yet I feel safe in some strange way,
having him by my side.
Let's go.
- I hope they have lots of pork.
- And gravy. I can't wait!
Come on.
- Two...
- Here you go.
Shit! They don't have pork and gravy!
- Anything to drink?
- Don't you have pork and gravy?
- Today's special is stew.
- You said they had pork and gravy.
- Let me check with the chef.
- Don't give up too easy, Elling.
I had my mind totally set
on pork and gravy!
- We had two helpings left.
- What's your name?
- Johanne.
- Thank you, Johanne.
My pleasure. Let me get you some water.
- How is it?
- Best damn food I've ever tasted.
- Not quite as good as mother's, but...
- That'll make the chef happy.
Here you go.
What a woman!
Bet Frank would love to see us now.
He wouldn't be satisfied -
- until we joined a table full of
people from foreign cultures.
We should almost call Frank
and tell him we are here.
- Do it!
- I said almost.
Kjell Bjarne...
All of it?
- We have to leave, Kjell Bjarne.
- Why?
- I have to go to the bathroom.
- The can is right over there.
Want me to go with you?
How different people are.
Some people ski solo to the South Pole, -
- while I have to summon all my
courage to cross a restaurant floor.
This must be what is meant
by breaking boundaries.
That was all for today.
- Hello. Aasli.
- Frank? Hi, it's me.
You making a call, Elling?
Kjell Bjarne and I have just grabbed
some food at our local haunt.
Pork and gravy every Friday.
Kjell Bjarne is easily persuaded.
- I'll say!
- You can say that again.
- Well done, Elling.
- Wasn't it?
All we need now are some chicks.
Let's go home and make one last phone call.
- Let's do something cultural instead!
- Huh?
Cultural, my ass!
We'll see.
Holy shit! I don't believe it!
Imagine if she were real.
The thought has crossed my mind.
Look at this.
Kjell Bjarne, look!
Amazing!
I can't wait any longer, Elling.
It's only five o'clock.
Finish your cake first, at least.
- Here you go, Elling.
- For me?
If you don't like it, I'll go kill myself.
- Is it all right?
- It's fantastic.
I made it in my spare time.
Look, Elling.
Here's you and me.
You're the yellow one.
Let me get your present, Kjell Bjarne.
Merry Christmas.
Holy shit!
Try not to curse on Christmas.
How did you know I wanted the blonde?
I have come to know you, Kjell Bjarne.
This is the best damn present
anyone has ever given me.
Likewise.
What was that?
Kjell Bjarne?
Kjell Bjarne?
Elling, come and help me!
There's a lady in the stairs.
- Who is it?
- How would I know?
- Is she sick?
- She will be. Now she's just drunk.
Come back inside, Kjell Bjarne.
Maybe someone else will find her.
Help me, Elling!
Take it easy. One thing at a time.
What's your name?
- Grab her purse.
- Are you crazy? I'm no thief.
Check her purse.
Find out what her name is.
Empty it!
Reidun Nordsletten.
She lives here.
December 24, 1963...
- She has the same birthday as Jesus!
- Shit...
- Today.
- She's pregnant, Elling.
She couldn't just be a little fat?
Sure, there's some fat here.
But inside the fat there's
an astronaut floating around.
Hope she hasn't hurt the baby.
Relax. I've done this a
hundred times with my mom.
- The key. Open the door.
- I can't, Kjell Bjarne.
- Open it!
- Of course.
We can't leave her in the
stairs on Christmas Eve.
We'll call up in a couple of
hours and see how she's doing.
You go down. I'll stay till she's better.
You can't! You look like a rapist.
You'll terrify her.
The child's father may
show up at any second.
You are acting foolishly, Kjell Bjarne.
I'm telling Frank.
There you go. Get it out.
I'll just head down to our apartment...
That was when the words struck me.
It was as if they were written
on the inside of my eyelids.
We found her in the stairs
Her hair... a black raven's wing
Beating against the filthy linoleum
We laid her on her bed, and saw
She had an angel's child in her womb
My God, Elling...
You have committed poetry!
My entire life I have walked the earth
Not knowing I am a poet!
No wonder there have been
certain misunderstandings, -
- when my poetry, my own language,
has lain undiscovered within me!
We found her in the stairs...
Hair... This is poetry!
We laid her on her bed, and saw
She had an angel's child in her womb
Hi, Elling. Why haven't you gone to bed?
There you are.
You understood why I
retired so discreetly, right?
So that I could come to your aid,
if anything went wrong.
- Like what?
- What about Reidun's husband?
What if he found you in his
sofa on Christmas Eve?
You're lucky she didn't wake up
before you came downstairs.
She woke up like hell!
Wasn't she terrified to find an orangutan
in her apartment?
Not really.
Doesn't she read the papers?
This town is full of burglars and rapists!
It's time for you to go to bed, Elling.
I sure am.
I have to fix her leaky faucet later.
She finds a total stranger in
her apartment, -
- and immediately asks him
to fix her leaky faucet?
Did she lend you a key, too, so you can
come and go as you please?
Kjell Bjarne, you are in love!
I have to report this to Frank.
You are out of control!
Dammit, Elling!
- Workshop!
- Library!
- I've always wanted a library!
- Bullshit! We need a workshop!
Frank told you not to constantly read that
book about Gro Harlem Brundtland.
That isn't Frank. Let's just
pretend we're not here.
Hi, could you help me with...
- Sure. I'll tell him.
- Thanks for your help.
31, 32, 33, 34...
I had to carry some firewood
up from the basement for her.
Shit! She invited us to dinner.
Tonight!
Before you knock yourself out...
Did she invite us to dinner?
She said I could bring you.
Thank you, but I don't like
being brought anywhere.
Why would I want to listen to you two talk
about drinking and gaskets?
- Anyway, I'm busy.
- Busy?
- I have a meeting.
- Expect me to believe that?
- Believe whatever you want.
- What kind of meeting?
That's none of your business.
Just like it's none of my business that you
let pregnant drunks use you.
How about a game of Parcheesi to get
you in a better mood?
Poetry reading?
Those are my sunglasses.
You can't wear sunglasses
at dinner with Reidun.
- Where are you going?
- To a poetry meeting.
A very important meeting about modern
Norwegian lyrical poetry.
You really are nuts.
Nuts because I'm going to a meeting?
Everyone goes to meetings.
Are you telling me I can't go...
Elling!
Have you really thought this through?
I can skip the dinner,
if you want me to go with you.
You go to that dinner, Kjell Bjarne.
Go ahead.
Please come with me, Elling.
I don't know what to
talk to her about.
How stupid can you be?
Oh God. Now he's here.
Five sharp.
Stick to your plan...
Are you waiting for me, Elling?
I was heading somewhere,
but now I don't know.
- And Kjell Bjarne...?
- Kjell Bjarne went to the movies.
- I was heading to a meeting, but...
- A meeting?
What kind of meeting?
- A poetry meeting.
- Really?
- But I don't know where it is.
- That's easy to find. Come here.
It's right here. But you're early.
I like to have plenty of time.
I'm not the type that strolls in
at the last second.
But it's only... five o'clock.
These things start around ten.
- But it says that it starts at eight.
- It starts a lot later, Elling.
They wrote eight, so they
must mean eight.
- Fine. Have a beer while you wait.
- I don't drink beer.
I think you should go to that meeting.
It's a good initiative.
I'll just walk the streets for a few hours.
Be a walking target
for random violence.
My old enemies dizziness and anxiety
did not join me this time.
Strange.
It's perfectly natural that we
poets go to meetings!
- Hi.
- An orange soda, please.
She probably assumes I've
been around so long -
- that my liver can't take any more.
It's soda or death for me now.
I wrote these poems while sick
with malaria in Cambodia.
The teak stump Over-filled dams
The breath of a bird
Through the cavity and out
My next poem is called "Cobweb".
Cobweb I lie and stare at the cobweb
Every time something guilty gets caught
You tear it asunder again
Strange, huh? The worse it is,
the more they clap.
How's it going out there?
Let's do it.
A blonde elfin from Patmos
He didn't have a chance
Do you suck cock I screamed into
a pale Aurorean ear
But as we wrinkled sheets, in bed
He got a sun-tanned underarm shoved
up where the sun never shines!
Is anyone out there? Let go!
Stop!
It is clear to me now. I must seek my
audience through other fora.
I shall become the mysterious
underground poet "E".
Mommy's boy, maybe, but a
new, dangerous version.
So that made you sick, too?
The worse it is, the more they clap.
Want to go somewhere for a drink?
Throw dirt on contemporary poetry?
I'm going home.
Why didn't I just say yes?
Two hot dogs with mustard, please.
- To tell you the truth...
- Hi there.
I'm allergic to alcohol. It can make
me do things I'll regret.
I drank some liquor once, with
some other boys.
Mother came home, and I did
something I still regret.
I tore off her wedding ring and tried
to sell her body to these "friends".
Lousy friends.
- Want one?
- Thank you.
Do you go to book shows often?
I've lived a sedate life until now.
I rarely go anywhere.
Me neither.
And I had never been able to
speak to strangers before!
Mostly we just talked poetry.
It's totally pathetic. It's sick!
- Cecilie Kornes needs psychiatric help!
- That's where you're wrong.
Madness is poetry's most important source.
I almost showed him my
poem then and there.
But as an underground poet I
had to remain anonymous.
This is where I live.
Thank you for wasting your time on an old man.
- My name is Alfons Jrgensen.
- Elling.
This was fun. Some people just pretend,
but you really are crazy.
I was under the distinct impression that
this man needed cheering up.
I'm going to give you my phone number.
Had I really made a friend -
- without any help from the
Norwegian government?
- How did dinner go?
- Fine. How was your meeting?
- Fine.
- What kind of a meeting was it?
Just a basic poetry meeting.
She served hen up there.
- Chicken.
- Hen.
- Is that your hot dog?
- Help yourself.
That damn Spanisher! If that bastard
shows up here, he's in deep shit!
Imagine knocking her up and then taking off!
Are you going to marry Reidun, now?
- You know nothing about her!
- I know she works at a Laundromat.
Have you told her about your loving family,
your stepfather, the pigs?
What did you get for dessert?
Some sort of homemade pudding.
- It was the best damn...
- Dessert you've ever tasted.
- She said that she liked me.
- Really? Great.
- What did you say?
- Should I have said something?
- I'm no good at talking.
- That's probably why she likes you.
You're the silent type. You're... mysterious.
- Mysterious?
- I don't know. Talk to her!
I don't know how to.
I'm actually doing better.
Now that Alfons has taught me that
my angst is the price I have to pay.
Now I simply have to find the
right forum for my poem.
Do we have any more sauerkraut?
Gunn told us that we have to get
better at expressing our emotions.
- You want sauerkraut?
- Yes. 18 packs.
I'll get some stewed prunes, too.
Have had trouble crapping lately.
Maybe it's best he doesn't say too much.
No...
- Are you Elling?
- My name is Elling.
- Can I ask you something?
- Kjell Bjarne is at the store.
I know. I saw him leave.
Oh my God. I'm stuck in the middle
of a mnage trois!
Reidun has simply used Kjell Bjarne
to get closer to me!
I have to talk to you about Kjell Bjarne.
- You only want to talk about him?
- You know him better than anyone.
I can't tell you just anything about Kjell Bjarne.
Why not?
A friendship between two men
requires a level of confidentiality.
I just think he's so weird.
I prefer the English expression "rare".
- Huh?
- Rare. As in uncommon.
That was beautifully put.
I don't know, it's just that he never says anything.
- Kjell Bjarne tends to ruminate.
- About what?
Good point.
- Has he had many women?
- I wouldn't say many...
Do you think he likes me?
No, Reidun Nordsletten.
Kjell Bjarne loves you.
What am I saying?
It's one thing to break boundaries,
another to blow your life to pieces.
- Has he said that?
- No. But I know Kjell Bjarne.
You must leave now. Kjell Bjarne
may be back any second.
- Is he that jealous?
- It's best not to challenge him.
Thank you.
Shit... I like you.
What kind of stew did you get?
Nothing happened, Kjell Bjarne.
We just talked.
Are you crazy?
She wanted to talk about you.
She loves you, Kjell Bjarne!
- Hello?
- Hi, Elling here.
Hi. Yes, likewise.
Fine, thank you. Fine. How about you?
Really? Let me know if I can help in any way.
Yes, I see. Six...
Elling, I didn't mean to scare you.
Was it true...
You wait here, Kjell Bjarne.
Elling!
Is it true that Reidun...
It's true. She loves you.
And I told her you loved her too.
- Are you spying on me?
- No, but where are you going?
I can take care of myself.
I'm just visiting a friend.
A drinking buddy. He needed me to
do some shopping.
Elling and Kjell Bjarne. Oslo's
new rescue team.
Pregnant or elderly, call day or night!
Jrgensen?
Alfons Jrgensen?
It's me. Elling.
Here I sit, like another idiot.
- Have you broken something?
- I hope not.
- This is Kjell Bjarne. He... -Hi.
- You can't walk on this foot.
- But I have to go to the bathroom.
- Where's the can?
- Down there.
No, Kjell Bjarne...
There he goes again. Kjell Bjarne seems
to carry every person he meets.
Strange.
Why all these damn books?
- How is he?
- He's on the can.
Thank you. Did you remember
to buy beer?
Oh no. Are they still out there?
Holy shit, what a beauty!
I sprained my ankle
chasing them away.
A '59 Buick Century Hardtop?
- '58. We bought it in '62.
- Is it yours?
I haven't driven it since my wife died.
I just hope they don't ruin it.
- I can bring her back to life.
- My wife?
- The Buick.
- You can try. I fear it's too late.
Holy shit!
Eva died in '79, and so did the car.
My mother died two years
and six months ago.
- Where did you get all these books?
- They just came flying.
- A lot of poetry.
- You can borrow whatever you want.
I'll make her run if it's the last thing I do.
So I hear. It's just an old car.
- It's gorgeous!
- More so than Reidun Nordsletten?
You should focus on Reidun,
not that car.
My entire life I have respected the efforts
of the labor movement.
Idleness has always been my worst enemy.
I am a man of many projects.
If you keep that up, you will get sick.
I can't take it anymore!
You aren't getting any
more clearheaded.
- Help me, Elling!
- Do something to impress her.
But I don't know what to say to her!
Let go, Kjell Bjarne! This isn't food.
- Are you sick, Kjell Bjarne?
- No.
He was crazy, but now he is hamstrung.
Won't even play Parcheesi.
- Are you feeling unwell?
- No.
- What's the matter?
- Kjell Bjarne is in love.
- No, I'm not!
- You are.
- You've got a girlfriend?
- Yes, and she's about to have a baby.
- No.
- Yes.
- Really?
- Yes, Frank.
That's great! Congratulations.
But you can't just lie here.
You have to invite her to dinner,
to a movie, something.
- You have anything going on, prude?
- Yes, Frank.
That's nice.
I did it, Elling! I did it, and it was done!
- Did what?
- Invited her out!
Good for you.
Kjell Bjarne? Hi.
- Thanks for the invitation.
- Don't thank me. Thank Kjell Bjarne.
- No. Thank Elling!
- Whatever. But what time?
- Reidun wants to know when.
- Didn't you give her a time?
- How about now?
- Can I get my jacket?
- Have fun.
- Elling!
- Wait, Elling!
- I have a meeting.
Kjell Bjarne?
- What are you doing?
- Checking the expiration date.
See, the date varies. This one
says 2003, this one 2005.
- So?
- Maybe 2003 is a better vintage.
- Are you buying one, or not?
- Do you have cigars?
No one knows it yet, but the city
has a new poet: The Sauerkraut Poet.
The enigmatic "E" strikes again.
You don't smoke.
- Have you had a good time?
- I showed her the Buick.
- What a great car!
- Reidun washed his whole apartment.
His foot is a lot better.
Do you have a light?
You're trying to take over
my friend Alfons Jrgensen!
Pretending he's your friend...
- I wasn't pretending anything!
- He feels pressured.
Let me just find the right wrench...
The next day it was like they had
known each other forever.
Coffee, boys!
At least I have my poems to myself.
- He'll never get it to start.
- Sure I will.
- Sure he will.
- If so, we'll all go for a drive.
A drive? Do you mean...?
He means a drive. Where you drive
around in a car until you stop!
We can go to my cabin. I haven't
been there for years.
We've been invited to his
cabin, Kjell Bjarne!
- Cabin?
- If Frank lets us.
- It's none of his business.
- Who is Frank?
- Nobody.
- I'll talk to him. You just argue.
You stay out of this! It's time we cut
Frank Aasli down to size!
I won't let the welfare state stop me.
Why can't I go to someone's cabin?
I have never been to a cabin in my life.
Never!
Does that welfare rat get to
decide what I can and cannot do?
You talk to Frank.
Tell him to call me.
Coffee, boys.
Alfons Jrgensen? You're hanging
out with intelligentsia.
What's wrong with him,
since you know him?
He has published books of poems.
He was quite famous.
Why didn't you say you
were a mechanic?
Nobody ever asked.
- You guys better behave.
- Now, Frank...
On your cabin trip.
- It's like a ballroom in here.
- Americans are generous people.
Tonight I'm going to walk along
the shore like a sober Ulf Lundell.
Good no one's been drinking.
Is it because I finally am getting out?
They're after me, the driver, not you.
So I'm not interesting, just
because I'm in the back seat?
The police abducted me
from my apartment!
Just a routine check.
License and registration please.
Out for a drive?
Nice set of wheels.
Kjell Bjarne fixed it up.
- Buick Century, right?
- A '58 Buick Century Hardtop.
Why does everyone know what this car is called?
It's a 6-liter engine. A V-8.
And check out this carburetor.
It's hard to find original parts.
Over there is the power steering.
- I see that the tefting is loose.
- Tefting? That's the radiator hose.
Where I come from,
we call it the "tefting".
- You'll break it.
- It's loose.
It's supposed to be!
This is beautiful!
As long as the tenants haven't
burned up the furniture.
- I have a boat. Can you sail, Elling?
- Elling's an old sailor.
Ask him about the Caribbean, Alf.
Or his mercenary career in Bosnia.
- Where should I sleep, Alf?
- Wherever. I have three bedrooms.
- We can stay in here, Kjell Bjarne.
- Here's our room, Kjell Bjarne.
You realize that's not possible.
This is none of your business.
This is sick.
How dare you even consider it?
You're going to crush the baby.
Are you willing to become a
murderer just to get some kinky sex?
You won't need a sleeping bag.
I'll make your bed.
- Don't do it!
- Alf needs help with the firewood.
Sick!
Elling?
Dinner is served, Elling.
- Where did you learn to make this?
- Home economics.
I didn't learn anything at school.
I went to a special school.
They thought I was an idiot.
He learned to read when he
got his first dirty magazine.
I think the Labor Party is to blame.
For our lousy schooling, and all that.
Hold your horses. Nobody blames the
Labor Party for this.
But they were the ruling party.
A house isn't in poor condition
because of a few rotten boards.
- Huh?
- He's speaking in pictures.
But where did the rotten
boards come from?
The lumberyard!
Who smuggled the rotten boards
onto the construction site?
Social democratic laborers
from the Labor Party?
- Exactly.
- Exactly not!
They were bought and paid for
by the CIA and the KGB!
- They brought the rotten boards.
- So call them and yell at them!
I'm going to get ready for bed.
You weigh 240 pounds, Kjell Bjarne!
It had to happen.
The moment when Kjell Bjarne had
to choose between Reidun and me.
Elling?
What?
- Nothing.
- Then go to bed!
Can I borrow your underwear?
Aren't you wearing clean underwear?
- No.
- When did you last change?
- I'm not sure.
- Hard to keep track of the weeks...
Shit, I couldn't know that Reidun...
I couldn't know that.
- I thought I was bunking with you.
- So it didn't matter.
- Want to borrow my socks, too?
- Sure.
Thank me properly.
Thank you.
Holy shit!
Yes!
Elling...
Elling!
There you are.
My underwear did wonders, I see.
- It's started.
- Scream "holy shit" like that...
It's started! Reidun has started!
Are you telling me that Reidun is
having her baby as we speak?
- Do something!
- Shut up!
What? At a Norwegian hospital?
Several more hours of labor?
Don't you realize she could
give birth any second?!
What does hydrocephalic mean?
Maybe she'll have Siamese twins.
Or a baby with a clubfoot.
What if it's a hydrocephalic clubfoot?
I'm sure the baby will have
ten fingers and toes.
Go get some sleep.
Call me tomorrow and fill me in.
- We can't go to bed now.
- Why not?
Let's go for a drink.
A drink of what?
- Wine.
- We don't drink wine.
Exactly. We don't drink wine,
therefore we'll drink some now!
Weird place.
- This doesn't help.
- Take it easy, Kjell Bjarne.
If you get drunk, we'll get sent
right back to the institution.
Who knows who your
new roommate might be?
These are like egg cups.
Elling, you're a true buddy.
I was cranky because I was scared.
We're friends. You don't have to
keep shaking my hand, Kjell Bjarne.
- Here's to what is about to happen.
- Cheers!
Now calmly walk over
and call the hospital.
- Maybe you should call?
- No, Kjell Bjarne. Do it right now.
Waiter!
Let me tell you something. Have a seat.
His girlfriend is having a
baby as we speak.
Rita, bring out the champagne!
That guy in the coveralls is
about to become a daddy!
Well?
Over ten pounds, Elling.
A huge girl!
Did you hear that, Elling?
Over ten pounds!
She's going to be bigger
than you, Kjell Bjarne!
- What are we drinking?
- Champagne!
Shit! This damn stuff tastes great!
I still don't know how we
got home that night.
The alcohol has gotten to us.
Might as well ship us back to the institution.
That place is for loonies. It's normal
of you to celebrate the new kid.
- How're the mother and baby?
- I have no idea.
Take some aspirin and
clean up this vomit.
And later you can read these.
I borrowed them at the library.
Mind the return date.
Holy shit!
You guys are doing just fine.
Everything passes on.
To put it another way:
Everything passes on to something else.
- I brought you the paper.
- Thank you.
- Notice "The Sauerkraut Poet"?
- I sure did. Not a bad poem.
"E"?
Yes.
I was overjoyed when I read in the
paper about Kaare Svingen -
- and the pack of sauerkraut he
had bought downtown.
I have made my debut.
Thousands of people are now wondering
who the mysterious "E" is.
I am on everyone's lips.
It is tempting to stand forward, but no.
I want to remain who I am:
Mommy's boy. That anonymous voice
from the quiet streets of the night.
I was an only child, as my mother.
We enjoyed each other's company.
No one ever came to visit.
But when mother died, they came.
Total strangers, that wanted to
talk to me about my life.
Didn't they have their own lives to talk about?
It is generous of the Norwegian
government to supply a place -
- for people who are in a...
hectic phase in their lives.
But I just wanted to be left alone.
I hated that the institution insisted we open up.
Talk about mother and me and our
intense two-ness through 40 years.
My roommate was an orangutan
who only cared about women and food.
I'm not thrilled about being here either.
I'm almost 40, and I've never fucked.
You have half your life ahead of you.
I have half my life behind me, live in
a nuthouse, and have never fucked.
- It's overrated.
- Is fucking overrated?
- You get tired of it.
- I'd never get tired of fucking.
I've never had many friends.
None, actually.
But it became clear that Kjell Bjarne
needed a... spiritual guide.
I was third mate on a cruise ship.
Came to a brothel in the Caribbean.
With naked chicks?
I impressed the Negresses so much
that they forgot to charge me.
Holy shit!
Kjell Bjarne liked my stories so much
that he shared them with Gunn.
- Elling has lied to you, Kjell Bjarne.
- Lied?
- Aren't you in Bandidos?
- I'm not exactly a member.
- The chick you fucked on a motorbike?
- All lies.
You're just jealous, Gunn.
Eventually things settled down.
The lady on that tropical island
that rubbed you and herself in with...
Oil? Another lie.
I don't give a shit.
- Do you mean that?
- Sure. As long as you tell it again.
Kjell Bjarne never shared
another story with Gunn.
And after two years the Norwegian
government decided -
- to give Kjell Bjarne and me our
own welfare apartment.
Bye.
In the center of Oslo!
From there we are going to
attempt a return to reality.
Yes? Where to?
Kjell Bjarne and I are of course going to Oslo.
One way?
Are there different ways?
The quickest way to Oslo.
We are going to be met by
social worker Frank Aasli.
You work for the government too.
Are you generally nice people?
130 kroner each.
It cost 25 kroner when mother
and I took the train.
- That must have been 30 years ago.
- It was.
Come on, Elling.
Elling!
Hey! Elling and Kjell Bjarne?
The merry travelers.
Are you... Frank Aasli?
- Do they have hot dogs here?
- How was your trip?
- What's your name again?
- Frank Aasli, Kjell Bjarne!
- And you are a social worker?
- That's right.
- Are you married, Frank Aasli?
- Yes.
- Is she nice, Frank Aasli?
- Nice enough. Call me Frank.
- What's her name, Frank?
- Kjell Bjarne!
- Does she have any girlfriends?
- Kjell Bjarne!
Come on. Third floor.
Relax. This is your home now.
Either of you have a cigarette?
It's up to you to prove you can live alone.
Shop, cook...
Answer the phone.
Prove that you can live normal lives.
If you fail, there are plenty of people
waiting for this apartment.
- Isn't there any food here?
- No. You have to get it yourself.
Down the street to the left.
Ill come around and check on you.
I like good plans and fair deals.
And you each get your own bedroom.
Elling?
This is your room.
And you go down here, Kjell Bjarne.
Now put down that damn luggage!
- Is this my room?
- Great, huh? Your very own room.
Here's my phone number. But remember,
I have twelve people to care for.
Just like Jesus. He also had
twelve people to take care of.
Let's get something to eat.
On the county's dime.
Come on, Elling. The county is buying us dinner.
We just got here. Why go out
just to eat some lousy food?
To celebrate your new home.
Why not celebrate our new
home in our new home?
- We don't have anything to eat!
- Elling can buy us some food.
I've always had two enemies:
dizziness and anxiety.
Right around the corner.
They follow me, wherever I go.
Come on, you hippo!
I'm fine.
I'm fine, Frank. Just fine.
This is social worker Frank Aasli.
Have a slice, Elling.
You have to eat something.
No thank you.
No one can order me to eat, Frank.
You didn't move here to
sit and stare at the wall!
I expect you to go out again.
Fine, Kjell Bjarne.
Now it will be just like at the institution, Elling.
- I want to listen, Elling.
- Sure, but not to that.
There is only one station:
The Norwegian state station.
- Do you have a picture of your mom?
- Thought we could decorate.
Decorate with your mom? Hardly!
If my mom showed up, I'd throw her and
my fucking step dad out on their asses!
Your mother gave birth to you, fed you,
washed your clothes.
Not my mom.
- Haven't you ever wanted to kill her?
- Why would I want to kill mother?
How about your dad? Was he nice?
Father died two weeks before I was born,
but I think mother liked him.
- I'm hungry, Elling.
- The store is out the door to the left.
Well done, Kjell Bjarne!
This is the best damn food
I have ever tasted.
NORWAYS FORMER PRIME MINISTER
Mother handled practical matters at home.
I was in charge of ideology.
The Norwegian Labor Party was an
excellent judge of right and wrong.
It's your turn to shop.
You haven't been outside once!
I have done other things.
And who eats all the food, anyway?
We should go out, like Frank says.
Go somewhere with chicks.
I've said it before: Women like clean,
shaved men, not 14-day-old sweat...
It hasn't been 14 days. Ten, max!
That's the last time I go shopping!
Wrong number again.
Elling?
Kjell Bjarne?
Are you in there?
Why don't you answer the phone?
It must be broken.
I've dialed again and again.
It doesn't work.
Shape up, boys.
You have to stick to our deal.
If this is to work, I have to be able
to reach you by phone.
Kjell Bjarne...
Fine.
We'll just have to practice again.
- I have to organize my toolbox.
- No, you are both coming with me.
When the phone rings, you pick up
the receiver and say hello.
Elling first.
Let's pretend it's ringing.
Ring. Ring.
Answer the phone.
- Answer, Elling.
- Pick it up and say hello.
Come on.
Come on, Elling.
- Hello?
- Hi. It's Frank. How are you?
- Pick it up!
- Hi, I'm thirsty. Likewise. Bye.
Great, Elling. One more time.
Mother handled all our phone calls at home.
Your mother is dead. This is your home now.
You have to answer.
Say something, Elling.
Talk, Elling!
It's not natural to talk into a plastic gizmo
to someone you can't even see!
You need to get out more among people.
Why have an apartment if we have
to leave it all the time?
If you don't do as I say, you won't
have an apartment at all.
Elling, maybe we should go out like Frank says.
No women are going to come here
if they don't know we live here.
We don't have to go out to
meet women, Kjell Bjarne.
Frank deserves credit for teaching
us how to use the phone.
I just love sex! I'm sitting here
playing with myself. Touch my tits...
Four thousand kroner!
It's your choice: Pussy talk or apartment?
You don't meet people over the phone!
You have enough money.
It's a matter of prioritizing.
That's what I tell Kjell Bjarne.
Prioritize, prioritize, prioritize!
- I've never heard that.
- Yes, you have!
Shut up!
A final warning: Stick to our deal.
I want to see progress.
I said we should go out.
Where, with minus 4000 kroner?
A Salvation Army soup kitchen?
- Good idea. Let's go to the movies.
- No.
- Come on, Elling.
- No.
Two against one.
That's how it's always been.
But when three grown men argue,
the tone can get pretty rough.
- Best damn movie I've ever seen!
- Good movie, Elling?
I consider myself a modern
liberal man of the town, -
- but I refuse to applaud
the breakdown of society!
- It was a comedy.
- Didn't you get it?
It was not funny. You don't
understand anything.
Nothing's good enough for you.
I can't talk to you when you're in that mood.
- Let's go eat.
- Not out again, Frank.
- You had to come home to crap.
- Public restrooms are not my forte.
I look forward to seeing what your forte is!
No smoking in here.
No more staying cooped up here.
Time to tighten the reins.
He sticks his nose in everything.
Nothing is good enough.
And he mocks my ideals.
Why don't we try to go out,
just the two of us?
I'm scared too, Elling. But we have money.
And we only live once.
I sure hope so. The concept of
reincarnation has troubled me.
Someone like me must have an incredibly
long way left to Nirvana.
Let's go to the caf around the corner.
The other day they had pork and gravy.
If things get bad, we can walk home again.
Or run.
It's that simple.
Come on, Elling!
Come on.
It's right across the street and to the right.
Just stick to the zebra stripes.
Here I walk, along with one of
life's simpler apostles.
Yet I feel safe in some strange way,
having him by my side.
Let's go.
- I hope they have lots of pork.
- And gravy. I can't wait!
Come on.
- Two...
- Here you go.
Shit! They don't have pork and gravy!
- Anything to drink?
- Don't you have pork and gravy?
- Today's special is stew.
- You said they had pork and gravy.
- Let me check with the chef.
- Don't give up too easy, Elling.
I had my mind totally set
on pork and gravy!
- We had two helpings left.
- What's your name?
- Johanne.
- Thank you, Johanne.
My pleasure. Let me get you some water.
- How is it?
- Best damn food I've ever tasted.
- Not quite as good as mother's, but...
- That'll make the chef happy.
Here you go.
What a woman!
Bet Frank would love to see us now.
He wouldn't be satisfied -
- until we joined a table full of
people from foreign cultures.
We should almost call Frank
and tell him we are here.
- Do it!
- I said almost.
Kjell Bjarne...
All of it?
- We have to leave, Kjell Bjarne.
- Why?
- I have to go to the bathroom.
- The can is right over there.
Want me to go with you?
How different people are.
Some people ski solo to the South Pole, -
- while I have to summon all my
courage to cross a restaurant floor.
This must be what is meant
by breaking boundaries.
That was all for today.
- Hello. Aasli.
- Frank? Hi, it's me.
You making a call, Elling?
Kjell Bjarne and I have just grabbed
some food at our local haunt.
Pork and gravy every Friday.
Kjell Bjarne is easily persuaded.
- I'll say!
- You can say that again.
- Well done, Elling.
- Wasn't it?
All we need now are some chicks.
Let's go home and make one last phone call.
- Let's do something cultural instead!
- Huh?
Cultural, my ass!
We'll see.
Holy shit! I don't believe it!
Imagine if she were real.
The thought has crossed my mind.
Look at this.
Kjell Bjarne, look!
Amazing!
I can't wait any longer, Elling.
It's only five o'clock.
Finish your cake first, at least.
- Here you go, Elling.
- For me?
If you don't like it, I'll go kill myself.
- Is it all right?
- It's fantastic.
I made it in my spare time.
Look, Elling.
Here's you and me.
You're the yellow one.
Let me get your present, Kjell Bjarne.
Merry Christmas.
Holy shit!
Try not to curse on Christmas.
How did you know I wanted the blonde?
I have come to know you, Kjell Bjarne.
This is the best damn present
anyone has ever given me.
Likewise.
What was that?
Kjell Bjarne?
Kjell Bjarne?
Elling, come and help me!
There's a lady in the stairs.
- Who is it?
- How would I know?
- Is she sick?
- She will be. Now she's just drunk.
Come back inside, Kjell Bjarne.
Maybe someone else will find her.
Help me, Elling!
Take it easy. One thing at a time.
What's your name?
- Grab her purse.
- Are you crazy? I'm no thief.
Check her purse.
Find out what her name is.
Empty it!
Reidun Nordsletten.
She lives here.
December 24, 1963...
- She has the same birthday as Jesus!
- Shit...
- Today.
- She's pregnant, Elling.
She couldn't just be a little fat?
Sure, there's some fat here.
But inside the fat there's
an astronaut floating around.
Hope she hasn't hurt the baby.
Relax. I've done this a
hundred times with my mom.
- The key. Open the door.
- I can't, Kjell Bjarne.
- Open it!
- Of course.
We can't leave her in the
stairs on Christmas Eve.
We'll call up in a couple of
hours and see how she's doing.
You go down. I'll stay till she's better.
You can't! You look like a rapist.
You'll terrify her.
The child's father may
show up at any second.
You are acting foolishly, Kjell Bjarne.
I'm telling Frank.
There you go. Get it out.
I'll just head down to our apartment...
That was when the words struck me.
It was as if they were written
on the inside of my eyelids.
We found her in the stairs
Her hair... a black raven's wing
Beating against the filthy linoleum
We laid her on her bed, and saw
She had an angel's child in her womb
My God, Elling...
You have committed poetry!
My entire life I have walked the earth
Not knowing I am a poet!
No wonder there have been
certain misunderstandings, -
- when my poetry, my own language,
has lain undiscovered within me!
We found her in the stairs...
Hair... This is poetry!
We laid her on her bed, and saw
She had an angel's child in her womb
Hi, Elling. Why haven't you gone to bed?
There you are.
You understood why I
retired so discreetly, right?
So that I could come to your aid,
if anything went wrong.
- Like what?
- What about Reidun's husband?
What if he found you in his
sofa on Christmas Eve?
You're lucky she didn't wake up
before you came downstairs.
She woke up like hell!
Wasn't she terrified to find an orangutan
in her apartment?
Not really.
Doesn't she read the papers?
This town is full of burglars and rapists!
It's time for you to go to bed, Elling.
I sure am.
I have to fix her leaky faucet later.
She finds a total stranger in
her apartment, -
- and immediately asks him
to fix her leaky faucet?
Did she lend you a key, too, so you can
come and go as you please?
Kjell Bjarne, you are in love!
I have to report this to Frank.
You are out of control!
Dammit, Elling!
- Workshop!
- Library!
- I've always wanted a library!
- Bullshit! We need a workshop!
Frank told you not to constantly read that
book about Gro Harlem Brundtland.
That isn't Frank. Let's just
pretend we're not here.
Hi, could you help me with...
- Sure. I'll tell him.
- Thanks for your help.
31, 32, 33, 34...
I had to carry some firewood
up from the basement for her.
Shit! She invited us to dinner.
Tonight!
Before you knock yourself out...
Did she invite us to dinner?
She said I could bring you.
Thank you, but I don't like
being brought anywhere.
Why would I want to listen to you two talk
about drinking and gaskets?
- Anyway, I'm busy.
- Busy?
- I have a meeting.
- Expect me to believe that?
- Believe whatever you want.
- What kind of meeting?
That's none of your business.
Just like it's none of my business that you
let pregnant drunks use you.
How about a game of Parcheesi to get
you in a better mood?
Poetry reading?
Those are my sunglasses.
You can't wear sunglasses
at dinner with Reidun.
- Where are you going?
- To a poetry meeting.
A very important meeting about modern
Norwegian lyrical poetry.
You really are nuts.
Nuts because I'm going to a meeting?
Everyone goes to meetings.
Are you telling me I can't go...
Elling!
Have you really thought this through?
I can skip the dinner,
if you want me to go with you.
You go to that dinner, Kjell Bjarne.
Go ahead.
Please come with me, Elling.
I don't know what to
talk to her about.
How stupid can you be?
Oh God. Now he's here.
Five sharp.
Stick to your plan...
Are you waiting for me, Elling?
I was heading somewhere,
but now I don't know.
- And Kjell Bjarne...?
- Kjell Bjarne went to the movies.
- I was heading to a meeting, but...
- A meeting?
What kind of meeting?
- A poetry meeting.
- Really?
- But I don't know where it is.
- That's easy to find. Come here.
It's right here. But you're early.
I like to have plenty of time.
I'm not the type that strolls in
at the last second.
But it's only... five o'clock.
These things start around ten.
- But it says that it starts at eight.
- It starts a lot later, Elling.
They wrote eight, so they
must mean eight.
- Fine. Have a beer while you wait.
- I don't drink beer.
I think you should go to that meeting.
It's a good initiative.
I'll just walk the streets for a few hours.
Be a walking target
for random violence.
My old enemies dizziness and anxiety
did not join me this time.
Strange.
It's perfectly natural that we
poets go to meetings!
- Hi.
- An orange soda, please.
She probably assumes I've
been around so long -
- that my liver can't take any more.
It's soda or death for me now.
I wrote these poems while sick
with malaria in Cambodia.
The teak stump Over-filled dams
The breath of a bird
Through the cavity and out
My next poem is called "Cobweb".
Cobweb I lie and stare at the cobweb
Every time something guilty gets caught
You tear it asunder again
Strange, huh? The worse it is,
the more they clap.
How's it going out there?
Let's do it.
A blonde elfin from Patmos
He didn't have a chance
Do you suck cock I screamed into
a pale Aurorean ear
But as we wrinkled sheets, in bed
He got a sun-tanned underarm shoved
up where the sun never shines!
Is anyone out there? Let go!
Stop!
It is clear to me now. I must seek my
audience through other fora.
I shall become the mysterious
underground poet "E".
Mommy's boy, maybe, but a
new, dangerous version.
So that made you sick, too?
The worse it is, the more they clap.
Want to go somewhere for a drink?
Throw dirt on contemporary poetry?
I'm going home.
Why didn't I just say yes?
Two hot dogs with mustard, please.
- To tell you the truth...
- Hi there.
I'm allergic to alcohol. It can make
me do things I'll regret.
I drank some liquor once, with
some other boys.
Mother came home, and I did
something I still regret.
I tore off her wedding ring and tried
to sell her body to these "friends".
Lousy friends.
- Want one?
- Thank you.
Do you go to book shows often?
I've lived a sedate life until now.
I rarely go anywhere.
Me neither.
And I had never been able to
speak to strangers before!
Mostly we just talked poetry.
It's totally pathetic. It's sick!
- Cecilie Kornes needs psychiatric help!
- That's where you're wrong.
Madness is poetry's most important source.
I almost showed him my
poem then and there.
But as an underground poet I
had to remain anonymous.
This is where I live.
Thank you for wasting your time on an old man.
- My name is Alfons Jrgensen.
- Elling.
This was fun. Some people just pretend,
but you really are crazy.
I was under the distinct impression that
this man needed cheering up.
I'm going to give you my phone number.
Had I really made a friend -
- without any help from the
Norwegian government?
- How did dinner go?
- Fine. How was your meeting?
- Fine.
- What kind of a meeting was it?
Just a basic poetry meeting.
She served hen up there.
- Chicken.
- Hen.
- Is that your hot dog?
- Help yourself.
That damn Spanisher! If that bastard
shows up here, he's in deep shit!
Imagine knocking her up and then taking off!
Are you going to marry Reidun, now?
- You know nothing about her!
- I know she works at a Laundromat.
Have you told her about your loving family,
your stepfather, the pigs?
What did you get for dessert?
Some sort of homemade pudding.
- It was the best damn...
- Dessert you've ever tasted.
- She said that she liked me.
- Really? Great.
- What did you say?
- Should I have said something?
- I'm no good at talking.
- That's probably why she likes you.
You're the silent type. You're... mysterious.
- Mysterious?
- I don't know. Talk to her!
I don't know how to.
I'm actually doing better.
Now that Alfons has taught me that
my angst is the price I have to pay.
Now I simply have to find the
right forum for my poem.
Do we have any more sauerkraut?
Gunn told us that we have to get
better at expressing our emotions.
- You want sauerkraut?
- Yes. 18 packs.
I'll get some stewed prunes, too.
Have had trouble crapping lately.
Maybe it's best he doesn't say too much.
No...
- Are you Elling?
- My name is Elling.
- Can I ask you something?
- Kjell Bjarne is at the store.
I know. I saw him leave.
Oh my God. I'm stuck in the middle
of a mnage trois!
Reidun has simply used Kjell Bjarne
to get closer to me!
I have to talk to you about Kjell Bjarne.
- You only want to talk about him?
- You know him better than anyone.
I can't tell you just anything about Kjell Bjarne.
Why not?
A friendship between two men
requires a level of confidentiality.
I just think he's so weird.
I prefer the English expression "rare".
- Huh?
- Rare. As in uncommon.
That was beautifully put.
I don't know, it's just that he never says anything.
- Kjell Bjarne tends to ruminate.
- About what?
Good point.
- Has he had many women?
- I wouldn't say many...
Do you think he likes me?
No, Reidun Nordsletten.
Kjell Bjarne loves you.
What am I saying?
It's one thing to break boundaries,
another to blow your life to pieces.
- Has he said that?
- No. But I know Kjell Bjarne.
You must leave now. Kjell Bjarne
may be back any second.
- Is he that jealous?
- It's best not to challenge him.
Thank you.
Shit... I like you.
What kind of stew did you get?
Nothing happened, Kjell Bjarne.
We just talked.
Are you crazy?
She wanted to talk about you.
She loves you, Kjell Bjarne!
- Hello?
- Hi, Elling here.
Hi. Yes, likewise.
Fine, thank you. Fine. How about you?
Really? Let me know if I can help in any way.
Yes, I see. Six...
Elling, I didn't mean to scare you.
Was it true...
You wait here, Kjell Bjarne.
Elling!
Is it true that Reidun...
It's true. She loves you.
And I told her you loved her too.
- Are you spying on me?
- No, but where are you going?
I can take care of myself.
I'm just visiting a friend.
A drinking buddy. He needed me to
do some shopping.
Elling and Kjell Bjarne. Oslo's
new rescue team.
Pregnant or elderly, call day or night!
Jrgensen?
Alfons Jrgensen?
It's me. Elling.
Here I sit, like another idiot.
- Have you broken something?
- I hope not.
- This is Kjell Bjarne. He... -Hi.
- You can't walk on this foot.
- But I have to go to the bathroom.
- Where's the can?
- Down there.
No, Kjell Bjarne...
There he goes again. Kjell Bjarne seems
to carry every person he meets.
Strange.
Why all these damn books?
- How is he?
- He's on the can.
Thank you. Did you remember
to buy beer?
Oh no. Are they still out there?
Holy shit, what a beauty!
I sprained my ankle
chasing them away.
A '59 Buick Century Hardtop?
- '58. We bought it in '62.
- Is it yours?
I haven't driven it since my wife died.
I just hope they don't ruin it.
- I can bring her back to life.
- My wife?
- The Buick.
- You can try. I fear it's too late.
Holy shit!
Eva died in '79, and so did the car.
My mother died two years
and six months ago.
- Where did you get all these books?
- They just came flying.
- A lot of poetry.
- You can borrow whatever you want.
I'll make her run if it's the last thing I do.
So I hear. It's just an old car.
- It's gorgeous!
- More so than Reidun Nordsletten?
You should focus on Reidun,
not that car.
My entire life I have respected the efforts
of the labor movement.
Idleness has always been my worst enemy.
I am a man of many projects.
If you keep that up, you will get sick.
I can't take it anymore!
You aren't getting any
more clearheaded.
- Help me, Elling!
- Do something to impress her.
But I don't know what to say to her!
Let go, Kjell Bjarne! This isn't food.
- Are you sick, Kjell Bjarne?
- No.
He was crazy, but now he is hamstrung.
Won't even play Parcheesi.
- Are you feeling unwell?
- No.
- What's the matter?
- Kjell Bjarne is in love.
- No, I'm not!
- You are.
- You've got a girlfriend?
- Yes, and she's about to have a baby.
- No.
- Yes.
- Really?
- Yes, Frank.
That's great! Congratulations.
But you can't just lie here.
You have to invite her to dinner,
to a movie, something.
- You have anything going on, prude?
- Yes, Frank.
That's nice.
I did it, Elling! I did it, and it was done!
- Did what?
- Invited her out!
Good for you.
Kjell Bjarne? Hi.
- Thanks for the invitation.
- Don't thank me. Thank Kjell Bjarne.
- No. Thank Elling!
- Whatever. But what time?
- Reidun wants to know when.
- Didn't you give her a time?
- How about now?
- Can I get my jacket?
- Have fun.
- Elling!
- Wait, Elling!
- I have a meeting.
Kjell Bjarne?
- What are you doing?
- Checking the expiration date.
See, the date varies. This one
says 2003, this one 2005.
- So?
- Maybe 2003 is a better vintage.
- Are you buying one, or not?
- Do you have cigars?
No one knows it yet, but the city
has a new poet: The Sauerkraut Poet.
The enigmatic "E" strikes again.
You don't smoke.
- Have you had a good time?
- I showed her the Buick.
- What a great car!
- Reidun washed his whole apartment.
His foot is a lot better.
Do you have a light?
You're trying to take over
my friend Alfons Jrgensen!
Pretending he's your friend...
- I wasn't pretending anything!
- He feels pressured.
Let me just find the right wrench...
The next day it was like they had
known each other forever.
Coffee, boys!
At least I have my poems to myself.
- He'll never get it to start.
- Sure I will.
- Sure he will.
- If so, we'll all go for a drive.
A drive? Do you mean...?
He means a drive. Where you drive
around in a car until you stop!
We can go to my cabin. I haven't
been there for years.
We've been invited to his
cabin, Kjell Bjarne!
- Cabin?
- If Frank lets us.
- It's none of his business.
- Who is Frank?
- Nobody.
- I'll talk to him. You just argue.
You stay out of this! It's time we cut
Frank Aasli down to size!
I won't let the welfare state stop me.
Why can't I go to someone's cabin?
I have never been to a cabin in my life.
Never!
Does that welfare rat get to
decide what I can and cannot do?
You talk to Frank.
Tell him to call me.
Coffee, boys.
Alfons Jrgensen? You're hanging
out with intelligentsia.
What's wrong with him,
since you know him?
He has published books of poems.
He was quite famous.
Why didn't you say you
were a mechanic?
Nobody ever asked.
- You guys better behave.
- Now, Frank...
On your cabin trip.
- It's like a ballroom in here.
- Americans are generous people.
Tonight I'm going to walk along
the shore like a sober Ulf Lundell.
Good no one's been drinking.
Is it because I finally am getting out?
They're after me, the driver, not you.
So I'm not interesting, just
because I'm in the back seat?
The police abducted me
from my apartment!
Just a routine check.
License and registration please.
Out for a drive?
Nice set of wheels.
Kjell Bjarne fixed it up.
- Buick Century, right?
- A '58 Buick Century Hardtop.
Why does everyone know what this car is called?
It's a 6-liter engine. A V-8.
And check out this carburetor.
It's hard to find original parts.
Over there is the power steering.
- I see that the tefting is loose.
- Tefting? That's the radiator hose.
Where I come from,
we call it the "tefting".
- You'll break it.
- It's loose.
It's supposed to be!
This is beautiful!
As long as the tenants haven't
burned up the furniture.
- I have a boat. Can you sail, Elling?
- Elling's an old sailor.
Ask him about the Caribbean, Alf.
Or his mercenary career in Bosnia.
- Where should I sleep, Alf?
- Wherever. I have three bedrooms.
- We can stay in here, Kjell Bjarne.
- Here's our room, Kjell Bjarne.
You realize that's not possible.
This is none of your business.
This is sick.
How dare you even consider it?
You're going to crush the baby.
Are you willing to become a
murderer just to get some kinky sex?
You won't need a sleeping bag.
I'll make your bed.
- Don't do it!
- Alf needs help with the firewood.
Sick!
Elling?
Dinner is served, Elling.
- Where did you learn to make this?
- Home economics.
I didn't learn anything at school.
I went to a special school.
They thought I was an idiot.
He learned to read when he
got his first dirty magazine.
I think the Labor Party is to blame.
For our lousy schooling, and all that.
Hold your horses. Nobody blames the
Labor Party for this.
But they were the ruling party.
A house isn't in poor condition
because of a few rotten boards.
- Huh?
- He's speaking in pictures.
But where did the rotten
boards come from?
The lumberyard!
Who smuggled the rotten boards
onto the construction site?
Social democratic laborers
from the Labor Party?
- Exactly.
- Exactly not!
They were bought and paid for
by the CIA and the KGB!
- They brought the rotten boards.
- So call them and yell at them!
I'm going to get ready for bed.
You weigh 240 pounds, Kjell Bjarne!
It had to happen.
The moment when Kjell Bjarne had
to choose between Reidun and me.
Elling?
What?
- Nothing.
- Then go to bed!
Can I borrow your underwear?
Aren't you wearing clean underwear?
- No.
- When did you last change?
- I'm not sure.
- Hard to keep track of the weeks...
Shit, I couldn't know that Reidun...
I couldn't know that.
- I thought I was bunking with you.
- So it didn't matter.
- Want to borrow my socks, too?
- Sure.
Thank me properly.
Thank you.
Holy shit!
Yes!
Elling...
Elling!
There you are.
My underwear did wonders, I see.
- It's started.
- Scream "holy shit" like that...
It's started! Reidun has started!
Are you telling me that Reidun is
having her baby as we speak?
- Do something!
- Shut up!
What? At a Norwegian hospital?
Several more hours of labor?
Don't you realize she could
give birth any second?!
What does hydrocephalic mean?
Maybe she'll have Siamese twins.
Or a baby with a clubfoot.
What if it's a hydrocephalic clubfoot?
I'm sure the baby will have
ten fingers and toes.
Go get some sleep.
Call me tomorrow and fill me in.
- We can't go to bed now.
- Why not?
Let's go for a drink.
A drink of what?
- Wine.
- We don't drink wine.
Exactly. We don't drink wine,
therefore we'll drink some now!
Weird place.
- This doesn't help.
- Take it easy, Kjell Bjarne.
If you get drunk, we'll get sent
right back to the institution.
Who knows who your
new roommate might be?
These are like egg cups.
Elling, you're a true buddy.
I was cranky because I was scared.
We're friends. You don't have to
keep shaking my hand, Kjell Bjarne.
- Here's to what is about to happen.
- Cheers!
Now calmly walk over
and call the hospital.
- Maybe you should call?
- No, Kjell Bjarne. Do it right now.
Waiter!
Let me tell you something. Have a seat.
His girlfriend is having a
baby as we speak.
Rita, bring out the champagne!
That guy in the coveralls is
about to become a daddy!
Well?
Over ten pounds, Elling.
A huge girl!
Did you hear that, Elling?
Over ten pounds!
She's going to be bigger
than you, Kjell Bjarne!
- What are we drinking?
- Champagne!
Shit! This damn stuff tastes great!
I still don't know how we
got home that night.
The alcohol has gotten to us.
Might as well ship us back to the institution.
That place is for loonies. It's normal
of you to celebrate the new kid.
- How're the mother and baby?
- I have no idea.
Take some aspirin and
clean up this vomit.
And later you can read these.
I borrowed them at the library.
Mind the return date.
Holy shit!
You guys are doing just fine.
Everything passes on.
To put it another way:
Everything passes on to something else.
- I brought you the paper.
- Thank you.
- Notice "The Sauerkraut Poet"?
- I sure did. Not a bad poem.
"E"?
Yes.
I was overjoyed when I read in the
paper about Kaare Svingen -
- and the pack of sauerkraut he
had bought downtown.
I have made my debut.
Thousands of people are now wondering
who the mysterious "E" is.
I am on everyone's lips.
It is tempting to stand forward, but no.
I want to remain who I am:
Mommy's boy. That anonymous voice
from the quiet streets of the night.