Entertaining Mr Sloane (1970) Movie Script
I held my tongue and spake nothing
I kept silence
But it was pain and grief to me
My heart was hot within me
(Bird squawks)
And while I was
thus musing the fire kindled
And at last I spoke with my tongue
Lord, let me know mine end
And the number of my days
That I may be certified
How long I have to live
Thou hast made my days
As it were a span long
And verily every man living
ls altogether vanity
For man walketh in a vain shadow
I And disquieteth in vain
He heapeth up riches
And cannot tell who shall gather them.
O spare me a little
That I may recover my strength
Before I go hence
And be no more seen
"The Lord gave,
and the Lord hath taken away.
"Blessed be the name of the Lord.
"Remember not the sins
and of fences of my youth.
"But according to Thy mercy,
think Thou upon me.
"O Lord, for Thy goodness."
"Man that is born a woman
hath but a short time to live
"and is full of misery.
"He cometh up
and is cut down like a flower.
"He fleeth as it were a shadow,
"and never continueth is one stay.
"In the midst of life we are in death.
"Of whom then may we seek for succour,
but of thee, O Lord,
"who for our sins are justly displeased?"
"Thou knowest, Lord,
the secrets of our hearts,
"yet delivereth us not
into the bitter pains of eternal death.
"We shall change our vile body,
"that it may be like
unto his glorious body.
"According to the mighty working
"whereby he is able
to subdue all things to himself.
"We commend under Thy hands of mercy
"the soul of this our brother departed,
"and we commit his body to the ground.
"Earth to earth, ashes to ashes,
"dust to dust.
"And we beseech Thy infinite goodness
"to give us grace to live in Thy fear
"and to die in Thy favour.
"That when the judgment shall come...
"...both this our brother and we
may be found acceptable in Thy sight."
(Birds chirping)
(He inhales, exhales)
(Exhales)
(inhales, exhales)
What a smooth skin you have on you.
- Eh?
- I saw you lying there and I thought...
I don't care to think what I thought.
I try to keep fit.
Er... sun invigorates it.
I like a lad with a nice smooth body.
I'm quite a regular here, you know.
Do you come here
purely for pleasure or...?
- My parents are buried here.
- Ah.
I come in the autumn
to keep the leaves clear.
- Poor boy.
- No, it's no hardship.
I bring sandwiches. Make a day of it.
They been gone long?
I was brought up in an orphanage.
Yes. You had the air of lost wealth.
It's funny you should say that.
My parents were,
I believe, extremely wealthy people.
I have an idea.
They had a suicide pact anyway.
With a nice lad like you to take care of,
you'd have thought
they'd postpone it a bit.
Criminals were they, dear?
From what I can remember
they were respected.
HP debts, a little light gardening.
The usual activities
of a cultured community.
What's your name?
Sloane.
Are you, erm...?
Are you residential hereabouts,
Mr Sloane?
I was. I'm looking for a place
that's more convenient.
Oh. Was your last place bad?
Bad? No idea!
Oh, as bad as that? Poor boy.
All alone in the world like me.
- Aren't you married?
- Well, I was.
My husband was a mere boy.
I had a little baby.
Killed in very sad circumstances.
Broke my heart for a time.
He's... he's round here somewhere.
You don't look old enough.
(Chuckles) Oh, Mr Sloane!
As a matter of fact, I'm just, er...
I'm 39.
(Snorts) It's almost unbelievable.
(Chuckles) Well, I haven't let myself go
like some you might have noticed.
But... we have a room
to spare as it happens, Mr Sloane.
Just your style I should hazard.
Elegant simplicity.
Would you be interested?
Hm, I might.
(Birds chirping)
- Have you been a widow long?
- Oh, yes. A long time.
To tell the truth I was never married.
- Hm...
- Are you shocked?
- (Chuckles)
- Broad-minded.
We always planned to,
but he had a duty to his family,
and, as I say,
I'd have been his widow today,
so, all in all,
it seemed best not to bother.
You're about the same age as my boy
had been if I'd been allowed to keep him.
You've got the same refinement.
- I need understanding.
- Yes, you do, don't you?
Ooh. What a lovely neck you got on you.
Just a motherly kiss.
I upset easy, you know.
There's so many ruined lives.
You must treat me gently
when I'm in one of my moods.
How much are you charging?
I mean, I gotta know.
- Oh, we'll come to some arrangement.
- Mm.
Do you like flock or foam
in your pillow, Mr Sloane?
Foam rubber.
Oh, yes, you need
a bit of luxury, don't you?
I've bought the Dadda one,
but he says it makes his ears sweat.
Lovely piece of building that.
(Sloane) Yeah. Lovely.
000-000! Stop throwing stones
at the birds, Dadda.
- We have a visitor.
- Is it Eddie?
Oh, don't you even know your own son?
Of course it's not Eddie.
He behaves like a little child sometimes.
I'm ashamed to bring a friend
or a guest to this house.
He puts them off so.
Dadda! Dadda!
Let him shake you by the hand.
Mr Sloane is going to stay with us.
He can't. We've got no room.
Oh! Make an effort, will you?
What will the gentleman think?
Do you feel embarrassed, Mr Sloane?
- No.
- There you are.
Now, pull yourself together.
Can I trust you to behave
while I make Mr Sloane a cup of tea?
Entertain Mr Sloane. Go on.
Give him the benefit of your experience.
I don't care to wonder
what you must think of us.
Your face is familiar.
Have I seen your photo in the paper
in connection with some event?
- No.
- Pop in the pub at the end of the road?
- I don't drink.
- Churchgoer, are you?
I used to be in the old days.
I'd knock up the vicar at all hours.
But then I lost touch.
I've seen you somewhere.
I rarely forget a face.
Er, forget it, son.
I am not seen about much.
- How many children do you have?
- Two.
Is your daughter married?
Well, she was. Had a terrible time.
- Kiddy died.
- You have a son, don't you?
Yes, but we're not on speaking terms.
- How long is it?
- 20 years.
- Strewth!
- You perhaps find that hard to believe?
I do, actually. Not speaking for 20 years?
I think that's coming it a bit strong.
Oh, I may have exchanged a few words.
Oh, yes, I can believe that.
(Dadda) He was a good boy.
Played some amazing games as a youth.
Won every goal at football one season.
Sport mad he was.
Then one day,
shortly after his 17th birthday,
I had cause to return home unexpected,
and found him committing
some kind of felony in his bedroom.
Is that straight?
I never could forgive him.
- Puritan, are you?
- Oh, yes. Every inch.
That kind of thing
happens all too often I believe.
For myself, I usually lock the door.
I'd remove the lock.
Anticipating
some such tendencies on his part.
I'd done it as a precautionary measure.
Mm.
Perfect skyline you got there.
Stunning it is. Stunning.
(Dadda)
We tried putting in for one of them flats.
No good.
If my boss was alive,
I'd have gone to him.
- He knew the right people.
- Dead, is he?
No! He was murdered.
- On the unsolved crime list he is.
- A murderer not brought to justice!
(Tuts) That's a sobering thought.
Why can't they find the murderer?
Didn't they advertise?
Yes, they took a piece in the local paper.
- How long ago was all this?
- Two years.
(Exhales)
Do they have any clue
to the murderer's identity?
(Dadda) He was a young man
with a very smooth skin.
Is he a small man your boss?
Yes.
Wavy hair.
- Wore a tweed tie.
- What was his profession?
He was a photographer.
Specialised in views of the river.
- You were employed in his service?
- Yeah. General handyman.
We gave the murderer a lift
on the night of the crime.
Oh, you saw him, then?
Ooh, I saw him, all right.
Why didn't you go to the police?
Oh, I can't get involved
in that kind of case.
I might get my name in the papers.
Yes, I see your point of view.
They won't find the killer now.
I should very much doubt it.
- (Clicks tongue) Scent's gone cold.
- Yes.
Hand me over them flowers, will you?
- What's this? What's this?
- We have met before!
- I've never seen you.
- On my life I remember.
- Your eyes aren't good.
- I can still identify you.
- Identify me?
- If it was necessary.
- How could it be necessary?
- It might be.
Do lay off. You couldn't identify
herring on a plate!
Don't you speak to me like that, sonny,
or you'll find yourself in trouble.
Get on, you old prat!
I'll have somebody to you!
You'll see if I don't!
Why don't you shut your mouth
and give your arse a chance?
- (Dadda grunts)
- Ow!
You bleeding maniac! Me leg! Me leg!
- You provoked me!
- I shall be in a wheelchair for life!
Oh, you cow! I'm covered in blood!
What happened? What happened?
Did he attack you?
- Mm.
- He's never shown signs before.
It wasn't intentional. I was provoked.
- (Groans)
- ls there pain?
Are you hurt bad?
He's got an artery.
I'm losing pints. Oh, Christ.
I thought he was further off.
I can't judge distances!
You lean on me, Mr Sloane.
- You'll be better off in the house.
- Sorry!
Catch those cakes
before they go down the drain!
He ought to be in Colney Hatch.
He's a slate off! Throwing things about.
Dadda? Dadda, get the Dettol out
of the fridge and put it in some water.
Make yourself useful.
- (Blows)
- (Bird coos)
(Woman) Dadda!
- Er, something to eat?
- No.
Dadda?
- I can't apologise enough, Mr Sloane.
- He's a maniac.
No, he's much better usually
with strangers. You lie there, dear.
There we are.
Gently. That's it, Mr Sloane.
Is that better? Oh, good.
(Sloane) I did nothing to antagonise him.
(Woman) Dadda? Dadda!
Oh, dear. He's got slower and slower.
He'll be here in a minute I expect.
Are you all right?
(Sloane) Oh!
There's blood running on your settee.
You'll have a stain. I can see it coming.
Wait a minute. Here we are.
I... I was going to make a blouse of this,
but there isn't enough.
I'm quite eminent above the waist,
as I expect you've noticed.
I think I'm gonna spew.
Yes, well, I'll just get a cloth
to bathe the wound.
Just a minute.
Er... Here we are.
- Ah!
- Go and sit in the kitchen.
You've caused enough damage for one day.
It was his fault!
He was nearer than I thought!
And don't go eating anything
while you're out there.
Oh, what a lovely pair of shoes.
Oh, Christ! Oh, Christ!
I wonder, Mr Sloane,
if you'd take your trousers off.
I do hope you don't think
there's anything behind the request.
I had the upbringing
that a nun would envy.
And that's the truth.
That's it.
You lift up and I'll pull them off.
Do you know,
I was more familiar with Africa
than I was with my own body,
till I was 15.
That's why I'm so pliable.
Ooh! Attacked you from behind, did he?
Never mind. There we are.
- Ow!
- Ooh! Is that tender?
Oh!
You've got a skin on you like a princess.
Better than some of those tarts you see
prancing about on the telly.
Funny, though.
The hairs on your legs are dark.
- Eh?
- Attractive, though.
- Dark?
- Mm, you being blond.
- Oh, yeah.
- Nature's a funny thing, isn't it?
There we are.
That's better now, isn't it?
Not too tight?
- (Sloane) No, it's OK.
- Oh.
I've been doing my washing today.
I haven't got a stitch on except my shoes.
I'm all in the rude under this dress.
I only tell you
cos you're bound to have noticed.
No, no!
Don't move.
- Give your blood time to steady itself.
- Is this one of yours?
(Woman chuckles)
Yes, I wondered where I'd left that.
Long, isn't it? You seen 'em?
Long, elegant legs.
I could give one or two of 'em a surprise.
Mind you, my look is quite different
when I'm in private.
You, er... You can't see
through this dress, can you?
I've been worried
for fear of embarrassing you.
- Whoa!
- Ooh!
(Chuckles) Ooh!
Mr Sloane, don't betray your trust.
- I just thought...
- I know what you thought.
You wanted to see if my titties
are all my own, didn't you?
You're all the same, you men.
Did you call?
I-l thought I heard you call.
Did you call?
Get back to the kitchen!
Mr Sloane is only now recovering
from your previous maraudings!
I thought I heard you cry out.
You'll cry out
before I've finished with you.
Oh, well, if that's the way of it...
I must apologise for the Dadda, Mr Sloane.
He's not been the same
since he went on the new pills.
He knows no restraint sometimes.
You're the one to watch. I can tell.
(Chuckles)
Ooh, you'd have me naked on the floor
given half a chance.
Rolling about!
(Chuckles)
Ooh, if my brother was to find out...
Would you like to go to bed?
It's only half-past three!
Yes, but you've had a shock.
You need a rest.
- I'll bring your supper up to your room.
- All right.
Er, that drawer's my medicine chest. Do
help yourself to the occasional aspirin.
- Er, what about my, erm...?
- Oh, the Dadda will fetch those.
I'm going to sponge these.
There's a little nick in the material.
I can mend that for you.
There.
- Dadda!
- I suppose you didn't call then either.
That's quite enough. And turn your face
away. Mr Sloane has no trousers on.
- On you go up, Mr Sloane.
- Which is...?
It's the door on the left.
Now I want an explanation
of your eccentric behaviour.
- Yes, Kathy.
- Don't you "Kathy" me.
Well, he upset me.
I've seen him before.
You've seen the milkman, but there's no
cause to throw the garden shears at him.
- It wasn't the shears!
- Never mind.
You go and get Mr Sloane's suitcase!
(Sighs)
(Horn honks)
Oh! Dadda! Dadda!
(Tyres screeching)
(Brakes squeaking)
(Engine revs)
(Tyres screeching)
Dadda!
(Chuckles) Dadda!
It's me!
Dadda!
Why don't you speak to me?
Why don't you speak to your
only begotten son, you old tvvank?
Bastard.
(Bicycle bell rings)
Dadda!
All right.
Where's he going now? Where are you
going on the wrong side of the road?
Bollocks!
Silly old sod, you!
What the hell do you think
you're doing down there?
All right.
You awkward sod! I'll have ya!
(Tyres screeching)
(Car approaching)
(Horn honks)
(Chuckles)
(Son) What? What do you mean?
Who told you to take in lodgers?
Well, I needed a bit extra.
You know what they say
about landladies.
They say they'd sleep with a broom handle
in trousers. That's what they say.
I'm not like that, Ed.
You're good-natured, though.
They mistake it.
I can't have my sister
keeping a common kip.
Some of my associates
are men of distinction.
If they realised how my family carry on,
I'll be barred from the best places.
How old is he?
He's young-
These fellows sleep
with their landladies automatic.
Has he made suggestions?
Suggested,
er, you bring him his supper in bed?
It's what they do, you know.
Then take advantage.
Mr Sloane is superior to that, Ed.
Where did you find him?
In the library.
Picked him up, did you?
He was having trouble with his rent.
His landlady was unscrupulous.
Where is he?
He's upstairs resting.
Hm.
Ed...
Eddie.
If you send him away, I shall cry.
He's got no mama. He's an orphan.
I'm to be his mama, Ed.
Don't let me down again, darling.
Mr Sloane wouldn't do wrong.
He's cultured. He's informed.
Hm. Huh.
(Tuts)
(Sighs)
Had the trousers off him already I see.
Can't leave you alone for five minutes.
Eddie! Ed!
It'd crease me if you misbehaved again.
(Clock chimes, knocking on door)
- Come in.
- I've been, er...
- Oh, Mr Sloane.
- That's me.
Er, look. I've come up
to apologise for my sister's behaviour.
She's not in the best of health. She's...
Well, I wouldn't say she's unbalanced, no.
That'd be going too far.
She suffers from migraine.
That's why it'd be best
if you declined her offer of a room.
- Oh, yes?
- Huh! Oh, yes.
What is all this laying in the dark?
Got a headache or something?
- Yes!
- I'm not surprised!
Fresh air's what you need.
There's no good playing for sympathy
with me you'll find.
I've heard all this
you've been telling my sister.
About you being an orphan and everything.
Oh, well, it must have been
a rotten life for a kid,
being an orphan and everything.
Mixed home was it?
Just boys.
Ideal.
How many to a room?
- Eight.
- Really?
Same age were they or older?
Hm, the ages varied by a year or two.
You had your compensations then?
(Chuckles) Keep you out of mischief, eh?
(Both chuckling)
Yes, well, as I was saying, the fact is...
Well, perhaps I was wrong.
I just felt that my sister was,
er, taking on too many responsibilities.
She's a charming woman, as a rule.
Charming.
No hesitation in saying that.
She, er, lost her husband.
And her little kid.
Tell you, did she?
She mentioned it in passing.
What did she say?
Said she married young.
Yes.
She married a mate of mine.
A valiant man.
We were together in Gib.
In the Navy?
Are you interested in the Navy then?
Sailors, uniforms, training ships.
Garrison towns, et cetera.
(Clicks tongue) Yeah.
- Married?
- No.
Wise man, wise man.
- Girlfriends?
- No.
No, you're a librarian.
No!
- Oh, that's what she said...
- No!
I help out at Len's, the tobacconist,
just on Saturdays.
- Oh, I see.
- He's a mate of mine, Len.
You might have chanced across him.
He was a sailor too.
Lifeguard at the baths one time.
Nice chap.
Fond of swimming, are you?
Oh, I like a plunge now and then.
Body building.
Body building, soccer.
Pole vault.
Long distance. 100 yards. Discus.
(Exhales) Putting the shot.
Relays. Hammer.
Javelin.
Hurdles.
My word.
Yes, I'm an all-rounder.
Great all-rounder.
Anything you care to mention?
Nothing I like more than a good, erm...
(Smacks lips) ...workout.
(Chuckles)
Yeah, I used to do a lot of that one time.
With my mate.
We used to do all that,
what you just said.
We were young. Innocent too.
(Sighs) All over now. Ah!
Developing your muscles, eh?
(Chuckles) And character.
So, well, well,
you're a little body builder, are you?
I bet you are. (Chuckles)
- Done any, er, wrestling?
- On occasion.
Look.
- Got a full chest.
- Hm.
(Sloane) Narrow hips.
Me biceps are, er...
Do you, er, ever wear leather?
Leather next to your skin?
Leather jeans, say? Without, er... Huh...
- Er...
- Pants?
(Chuckles) Get away!
Ah, question is are you clean living?
You may as well know
I set great store by morals.
Too much
of this casual bunking-up these days.
Your back-alley knee-tremblers.
Too many lads being ruined by birds.
I don't want you
messing about with my sister.
Oh, I wouldn't.
- Have you made overtures to her?
- No.
- Would you?
- No.
- Not if circumstances were propitious?
- Never.
Oh, does she disgust you?
Should she?
Would be better if she did.
She does a bit.
Women are like banks, boy.
Breaking and entering
is a serious business.
I'm a law-abiding citizen.
(Both chuckling)
I might let you be my, er, chauffeur.
- Would you?
- Hm.
(Chuckles) We'll see, we'll see.
- I could get you a uniform.
- (Exhales)
Boots. Pants.
Guaranteed no imitation leather jacket.
White, brushed-nylon T-shirt.
A little leather cap.
Like that, eh?
Yeah.
(Chuckles)
I'll have a word with my sister.
(Door opens)
(Ed hums)
(Door closes, smacks lips)
(Clicks)
(Ed) Picked a nice lad there. Clean.
Don't take any money from him. I'll pay.
He's gonna work for me.
Can I buy him a shirt?
He can buy his own clothes.
Making yourself look ridiculous.
Well, when it's Christmas, Ed,
can I buy him a little gift?
No. Well, I've got to go.
I shall have a light meal,
take a couple of Nembutal and bed.
I shall, er, be out of town tomorrow.
Oh, Ed!
- Where?
- In Aylesbury.
I shall dress in a quiet suit.
Drive up in the motor.
The commissionaire will spring forward.
There in that miracle
of glass and concrete
my colleagues and me will have a quiet
drink before the business of the day.
- Are they nice your friends?
- Mature men.
- No ladies?
- What are you talking about?
I live in a world of top decisions.
We've no time for ladies.
Ladies are nice at a gathering, Ed.
They add colour and gaiety.
We don't want a lot of half-witted tarts
frightening everybody with their clothes.
Perhaps you'll invite me
to your hotel one day.
- (Ed) I might.
- Is it exquisitely furnished? High up?
(Ed) Very high. I see the river often.
(Groans, mutters)
Ooh!
Persuade the old man to speak to me.
I can't, Ed.
I can't do anything with him.
I'll get my lawyer to send a letter.
If it's done legal, he'll prove amenable.
- Be a good girl.
- Bye!
- Bye!
- Bye-bye, Eddie!
(Brakes squealing)
(explosion)
(Dadda chuckles)
Time for beddy-byes.
(Dadda) I was enjoying that.
- It's only rubbish.
- I like it.
If you're so anxious for something to do,
why don't you speak to your son?
Dadda, you are so selfish sometimes.
Ed has invited me to his luxury suite.
A waitress comes in with tea.
Speak to him, Dadda.
Never. I'm not signing nothing.
Oh, you are so unkind.
If you don't speak to Eddie,
he won't ask me to his suite.
I haven't been feeling well lately.
Me eyes are getting worse.
Without a word of a lie,
you're like a little child.
On you go. Up to bed.
- Nearly finished, Mr Sloane?
- Mm.
Perhaps you'd care
to join me in the lounge later.
I have some urgent knitting to do.
(Slurps)
(Belches)
A boy like that shouldn't be expected
to live with the rougher elements.
Do you know, Dadda, he got a skin on him,
the like of which I never felt before.
His story was so sad.
I wept when I heard it.
I'm all alone, Kath.
Don't be so silly. You've got me.
He may take you away.
- Where to?
- Edinburgh.
- It's too cold.
- Or Bournemouth.
You always said
you'd go somewhere with palms.
I would always consult you first.
You might put me in a home.
Would you be tempted?
Don't be so silly.
In the morning you'll feel different.
Yes.
(Groans) You don't love me.
I do. I never stopped loving you.
Ooh! I'm going to die, Kath.
Oh, I'm dying.
Not surprised.
Half a jar of pickled onions you put away.
Don't come complaining to me
with your tummy ache.
- I've got no sympathy for you.
- Good night then.
Oh...
Do you know, I feel quite depleted.
I think I'll turn in early tonight.
Oh, there you are, Mr Sloane.
One does like to keep the smells down
to a modicum, doesn't one?
Enjoy your supper?
Lovely piece of ham, wasn't it?
Lovely.
- Isn't this room gorgeous?
- Yes.
That vase come from Bombay.
Have you any interest
in that part of the world?
I like Dieppe.
(Chuckles) Oh, well, I suppose
it's all the same, really, isn't it?
I don't suppose they even know
the difference themselves!
- Are you quite comfortable?
- Great.
There we are. Wait a minute.
- Is that better?
- Mm.
Oh! Ooh, Mr Sloane.
I fear this light's showing me up.
I blame the manufacturers, you know.
They make garments so thin nowadays,
you'd think they almost intended
to provoke a rape.
(Chuckles)
You're a teaser, ain't ya?
(Chuckles)
Would you like to see my snaps?
I was going to show you the letter
written by my little boy's father.
I treasure it above all else.
I lost it, though.
Now, there you are.
- (Sloane) Is that him?
- No!
That's Eddie. That's my lover.
Oh, it does bring back memories.
He, too, was handsome,
and in the prime of his manhood.
Is it any wonder I fell?
I wish he was here
to love and protect me now.
Oh, that's me.
Taken ages ago.
I was younger then.
Smart.
My hair was always a feature.
Oh, don't think I can show you this one.
- Let's have a look.
- No, no.
(Chuckles) Ooh! Ooh!
- (Sloane) What's that?
- Well, that's a seat.
Erected in memory of Miss Gwen Lewis,
a lady who took a lot of trouble
with invalids.
Just near that seat
that my baby was first thought of.
What, on that seat?
(Chuckles) No, not exactly on that seat.
Just nearby.
- In the bushes?
- (Chuckles)
Oh, Mr Sloane!
Oh, he was so rough with me.
He was... He was so thoughtless.
I couldn't describe my feelings.
I really couldn't.
Ooh! Oh, you knocked all my snaps down.
I don't know what I'm going to do
with you, Mr Sloane.
Surely I don't.
I don't think the fastening on this thing
is gonna last much longer.
Mm.
You should wear more clothes, Mr Sloane.
You're as naked as I am,
and there's no excuse for it.
You got no vest on, have you?
- No.
- (Chuckles)
I need to be loved, Mr Sloane.
Oh, who can resist
love's impulses, Mr Sloane?
Who can foretell
where it's going to strike?
Ooh!
Why should we be ashamed,
Mr Sloane?
It's bigger than both of us, Mr Sloane!
Oh, Mr Sloane,
say words of love to me,
words that every woman
wants to hear.
(Grunting and muttering)
Oh, Mr Sloane, lost in love.
Lost in a frenzy of passion.
(Groans)
Stay with me, Mr Sloane.
I'll be your mama
and you'll be my baby.
Ooh, Mr Sloane,
no sooner had I seen you,
than I knew the touch of your hand
would send hectic thrills
tingling through my every...(Groans)
Speak words of love to me, Mr Sloane,
those tender words that
every woman wants to hear.
- (Sloane) Oh, Christ!
- What do you say?
Oh, lost in love!
Lost in a frenzy of passion!
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, what a heavy baby you are, Mr Sloane.
(Moans) Oh, I should be so ashamed
in the morning. Ooh!
Breakfast in bed
That what he said
he'd like to begin with
Him with the smooth skin
With the blank eyes
And it's surprising
how it's progressed from there
Dare I hope
Given rope enough
You'll be dope enough to marry me
We'll see
We mustn't complain
Every now and again
He will make it plain
He appreciates the pains
We're taking
Making him feel at home
So we sweat and we strain
Entertaining Mr Sloane
Cleaning the car
Duties which are his
And that's for certain
Dirt on his white curtain
Little hands
One understands him, yes
He's an orphan lad
Bad he's not and he's got a chance
Ah, but what's the chance
he fancies me?
We'll see
But we mustn't complain
Every now and again
He will make it plain
He appreciates the pain
We're taking
Making him feel at home
And we sweat and we strain
Entertaining Mr Sloane
One pickle left
And that great hefty shoulder
it nicks it
Sticks it down
his biscuit-coloured face
And it's disgraceful
he should be living here
Queer, that's it
He's a pretty DOV
It's a pity DOV
It's you or me
We'll see
But we mustn't complain
Every now and again
He will make it plain
He appreciates the pains we're taking
- (Horn honks)
-(Mouth) Come on!
Making him feel at home
So we sweat and we strain
Entertaining Mr Sloane
(Gate squeaks)
Quite comfortable, are you?
(Kathy) 000-000!
(Smacks lips, chuckles)
Ooh!
- There we are.
- What you got in the pram?
It's my gnomie-pomie.
Bad weather damaged him.
His ickle hat come off.
Had to take him up the gnomes hospital
to be repaired.
Why's Eddie mending the car?
I was on the beer last night.
Me guts is playing up.
- Oh, poor boy.
- No, don't.
We have to make allowances for you.
You're young.
We toured the nighteries in the motor.
Is Eddie with you?
No, he was too tired.
Had a hard day yesterday.
Don't knock yourself out, will you?
Me and Mr Sloane was just discussing him
to come and give you a hand.
- He has to conserve his strengths.
- He's not taking advantage, Ed.
(Crackling)
You... you are a lovely colour, you.
Pink with a touch of blue
around your lips.
You're getting overheated, Ed.
Mr Sloane, feel his head.
He doesn't want to feel my head!
Hm! Petrol's down a bit, innit?
You ought to get yourself a new car.
It eats petrol this.
I see a woolly in B0yce's, Mr Sloane. I'm
gonna give it you as a birthday present.
What do you want to do that for?
Come on, boy. Come and sit by me.
We've got to be off. You drive.
(Engine starts)
Getting as fat as a pig she is.
- Is she?
- She ought to slim. I'd advise that.
She's 42 and she's like a sow.
Well, she is my sister.
- She's not bad.
- No?
- Do you know what I fancy right now?
- What?
- How about going swimming?
- Swimming?
What sort of tomfoolery is that?
- On a weekday.
- Just...
Strip off and... plunge in.
(Slurps)
(indistinct chatter)
- Oh!
- Ah!
Why can't they look
where they're going these women?
Have you seen 'em? Look.
They can't call that swimming.
How could anyone swim
with those great things dangling down?
It stands to reason.
The aerodynamics are all wrong.
No wonder they have
to give them a start at the Olympics.
- Put this stuff on me back.
- I don't want that muck all over me.
Oh, go on. Give us a rub.
(Eddie exhales)
Ah, this stuff smells
like a knocking shop.
- Do it yourself.
- Hm.
The way these birds
treat decent fellows...
Hope you never get serious with one.
What a life.
Backache. Headache.
Or her mum told her never to
when there's an "R" in the month.
- It turns me up.
- Ah, you're too sensitive.
That's right.
I just don't give a monkey's fart.
(Screams)
(Laughter)
What's, er, your opinion of the way
these women carry on?
I feel, er...
- How would you say?
- Don't you think they're crude?
Occasionally, in a way.
All the same, it's...
...necessary.
Now you're talking
a different subject entirely.
It's necessary, I grant you,
occasionally.
But it's got to be kept within bounds.
I can deal with them,
the same as you. Hmm.
On the main points we agree I'm sure.
I have a certain amount of influence,
if you understand.
Friends with money.
They could be a help to a lad like you.
I, myself, am the possessor
of two bank accounts.
I generally spend my holidays in places
where the bints
have got rings through their noses.
Does that, er, impress you?
Yes, I'm impressed, Ed.
So, er...
You didn't, er, use my car
last night then?
Car?
Me?
That's all I wanted to know.
So long
as you're telling the truth, boy. Hm?
Hmm.
Yeah, you've got an honest hand.
Square.
- What a grip you've got.
- I'm improving.
Yes. You've grown bigger and bolder
since we met.
Don't grow too bold, will you?
Eh? (Chuckles)
No fear of that, Ed.
(Tyres screeching)
(Car radio plays pop music)
(Tyres screeching)
(Gas-PS) My teeth!
(Clattering)
Hm.
(Watering cans clattering)
(Whistles)
(Bellows)
(Mutters)
(Mumbles)
(Clatters)
(Exhales)
Mr Sloane?
Mr Sloane!
Do you know it's almost four o'clock?
Mama's been very worried about you.
(Drunk) We've been out on the town.
Thorpe, Beck, Doolan and me.
I do hope you've behaved yourselves.
- The soul of discretion. Brrrr!
- Oh!
(Katy mutters)
We ended up at a fabulous place.
Soft music.
Pink shades.
Lovely atmosphere.
(Exhales)
(Singsong) One of the hostesses
gave me her number.
Told me to ring her.
Take no notice of her, Mr Sloane.
She might not be nice.
She might be a party girl!
You know...
...you're developing
distinctly possessive tendencies.
(Belches) Oh...
- Mama can't be possessive...
- Oh, oh, oh.
Never heard of a possessive mum?
(Blows a raspberry)
Oh, Mr Sloane! That's rude!
Did she teach you to say that?
You're spoiling yourself in my eyes,
Mr Sloane!
Don't know why
you want to bother with these girls
when you have your friends for company.
- They're boys!
- Well...
You can speak freely with them.
Not like with a lady.
- Perhaps she's after your money.
- I ain't got any.
- Will she make you ill?
- Oh, shut it!
Make me ill!
- Girls do.
- (Exhales)
You disgust me, you do.
Sitting there without your teeth.
- You disgust me.
- My teeth, Mr Sloane...
Since you mention the matter,
which a true gentleman would hesitate...
(imitates Kathy)
Which a true gentleman would hesitate...
Are in the kitchen in Stergene.
Unlike some who are careless
with their dentures,
I allow mine a good soak
almost every night.
(Chuckles, exhales)
- Do I really disgust you?
- You horrify me.
Think I'm kidding? I'll move
out of my room if you don't watch out.
- No!
- I'll just clear out!
No, Mr Sloane!
Don't think of such drastic action!
Oh, Mr Sloane, I should never
forgive myself if I drove you away.
I won't say anymore. It's just I...
I was upset and I need comfort.
(Sniffles)
Are you still disgusted?
A bit.
Sorry, baby.
- Better?
- Hm-mm...
Stay with me, Mr Sloane.
Bleugh!
Er, I was just wondering
if you'd got the evening paper in there.
See, I can't sleep for the noise.
I thought I'd catch up on world events.
Here!
All right! All right!
I want to sleep now.
(Groans)
- (Breathes heavily)
- (Door closes)
(Muttering)
Oh, Mr Sloane!
(Groaning and giggling)
(Grunting and groaning)
Come on.
- Come on, Mr Sloane.
- I don't want to!
- Why? Come on.
- I feel awful.
Never mind. It'll be lovely.
('Engine spluttering')
(Engine spluttering)
(Squeaking)
- (Eddie) Kath!
- Yes!
Oh!
Where was he last night?
Mr Sloane?
He was watching telly.
Programme where everybody
had to guess everybody else's name.
He used the car last night.
- No, he never.
- He used the car last night.
He's a great help to me, Ed.
I shall have to take a sedative
if he goes away. He's my baby.
I'll find an older man for you.
More maturity.
If you send him away, I shall cry.
Like the time you took my real baby.
You were wicked then. Being rude.
Ruining my little matey.
Teaching him nasty things.
That's why I sent it away.
You're not doing rude things with this
little kiddie, are you? Like with Tommy.
I never wanted to do rude things.
Tommy made me. He pestered me all summer.
You're a liar!
He never wanted
to have anything to do with you.
He told me that.
Yes, he did. He wanted to marry me
and his folks was against it.
Marry you? Huh!
You're a ridiculous figure and no mistake.
Oh, Mr and Mrs Albian Bolter,
they was quite ready for you to marry him.
No, they wasn't cos I was poor.
I couldn't fit in with
the social background required of him.
His duty come between us.
They wanted you to marry him!
Tommy and me had our first set-to about it.
No, Tommy loved me.
Forget it!
Well, he sent me
that letter that I treasure.
I burnt it.
(Church bell tolls)
It was his last words to me.
Never mind all that.
I'm not having this kiddy going
the same way. That's for certain.
What's, er... this?
It's, it's a lady's lipstick, Ed.
Yours?
It was in the car
your Mr Sloane didn't use last night.
(Siren wails in the distance)
I'll get him.
I Him with the smooth skin
I With the blank eyes
Ed!
Ed!
- Dadda.
- Eddie! I want a word with...
With you.
Dadda!
- Dadda! What's come over you?
- (Groans)
ls all forgiven after all these years?
Oh, don't kneel to me.
I forgive you.
- I'm the one to kneel.
- No, no!
Pat me on the head. Pronounce a blessing.
Forgive and forget, eh?
- I'm sorry and so are you.
- No, it's about him.
- Hm?
- What's his background?
- What do you know about him?
- Why?
- Do you like him?
- One of the best.
- He comes to my room at night.
- I don't believe it.
I'm telling you. I can't sleep for worry.
He comes in
and stands by my bed in the dark
without his pyjamas.
Does he?
He... he kicked me yesterday.
I'll have a word with him.
Er, er... And that's not all.
She's going to have...
(Sloane groans)
I should send him home.
(Snores)
Mr Sloane?
- Hm...
- Mr Sloane?
(Groans)
You're to go downstairs and see Ed.
He's ever so cross.
Says you were out in the motor last night.
Gave his consent as a matter of fact.
He's talking
in terms of cards and dismissal.
You was with a lady he says.
He got proof.
Hm.
Proof? What proof? (Groans)
I don't know.
I've been to the register office.
Register office. What for?
About the license.
What are you talking about?
I haven't told Ed yet.
But we're going to have...
Well, thanks, Dad, for letting me know.
You were right to come to me.
Where was you last night?
(Sloane) I retired early.
A beaker of Bournvita, a good book.
What more can a man ask?
Do you think I'm an idiot or something?
(Gunshot)
Oh, I remember now. I went for a spin.
Had headache. Along the A40.
- Who went with you?
- Nobody.
(Gunshot)
Three mates come with me.
Who were they?
Would I want them in my motor?
You'd recognise Harry Thorpe. Small.
Clear complexion. Infectious good humour.
Harry Beck and Doolan.
No, you wouldn't know them.
What type of youths are they?
Impeccable taste.
Buy their clothes up west.
Any of them wear lipstick?
(Sloane clicks tongue)
Erm, you've jogged my memory. Erm...
(Smacks lips) Doolan's married.
We took his wife along. Just for the ride.
Just for the ride.
Straight up, Ed.
You lying little bastard,
taking birds out in my motor.
Well, what's up, Ed?
You're put out. I can tell.
The old man's been
making a complaint about you.
Ah, his mind's going senile.
I've been meaning to mention it.
- Did you ever kick him?
- Occasionally, Ed. He understands.
And he said...
Is she, er... pregnant?
Who?
Now, she threw herself at me.
What a little whoreson you are.
You little whoreson!
You are a little whoreson and no mistake!
I'm nonplussed, boy. Choked.
What attracted you?
Did she give trading stamps?
- I put up a fight!
- She had your cherry.
You've no idea. I prayed for guidance.
I'd imagine a prayer for your situation
would be hard to come by.
Did you never think
of locking your bedroom door?
Oh, you don't understand.
It gathered momentum.
You make it sound like a washing machine.
When did you stop?
- I haven't stopped!
- Not stopped!
Lay Off, Ed!
You're a constant source
of amazement, boy.
A never-ending tale of infamy.
I'd hardly credit it.
Joyriding in an expensive motor.
A woman pregnant.
My word! You're unforgiveable!
I don't know that I'm qualified
to pronounce judgment.
Oh!
I know I done wrong, Ed.
It's my upbringing.
No proper training.
Lack of... parental control.
I'm sorry for you.
A firm hand's what I need.
I respect you, Ed.
Then why tell me lies?
Ah, that's only your impression.
I've been dogged by bad luck.
You've had a hard life, I know that,
but that's no excuse for looseness.
I need guidance, Ed.
And you're just the man to give it.
You got to learn
to live a decent life sometime, boy.
I know. I blame the way you are
on emotional shock.
- You're confused, aren't you?
- Oh!
Emotionally unequipped to deal
with the complications of modern life.
- I shouldn't be surprised.
- Never went to church.
No, you've got it, Ed.
Know me better than I know myself.
Your youth pleads for leniency.
And, my God, I'm gonna give it.
You're as pure as a lamb. Purer.
- Ed, you're a pal.
- Am I?
Oh, one of my mates.
Is that a fact?
It's refreshing to hear you say it,
but do me a favour.
Avoid the birds in future.
She's as much to blame as you I grant.
I've no hesitation in saying that.
Then why conform
to the standards of the cowshed?
It's a thing you grow out of.
With me behind you, boy...
...you'll grow out of it.
Thanks, Eddie.
Oh, I knew there must
be some reasonable explanation
of your otherwise inexplicable conduct.
I think the time's come for us
to make a change.
- In what way, Ed?
- I'll need you on tap.
- Oh?
- At all hours.
In case I have to make a journey
to some distant place
at an unexpected
and inconvenient hour of the night.
In a manner of speaking it's urgent
and you shouldn't be left with her.
Crafty tart she is.
Now, go and get your bag packed.
The old man was the basic trouble.
I considered leaving
as a result of the way he carried on.
- Insults?
- Oh, shocking.
He deserves a good belting.
You may have something there.
I thought you might have had
an exaggerated respect for the elderly.
- Not me.
- I've got nothing against him.
But he's lived so long,
he's more like an old bird than a bloke.
(Tuts) How is it that such a father
had such a son?
(Tuts) Mystery-.
Have a word with him while
you're up there. I'll wait in the car.
I'm willing to forgive the past if he is.
- Appeal to his better nature?
- Huh?
Say you're upset.
Er, wag your finger perhaps.
I have the fullest confidence
in your ability.
(Door slams)
Er... Ed.
- Where's Ed?
- He ain't here. He's gone for a walk.
What have you been saying about me?
- Nothing, sonny.
- Told him she's up the stick, did ya?
Well, he's her brother. He ought to know.
What's it got to do with you?
You're a criminal, you are.
How are you gonna identify me?
I don't have to. They got fingerprints.
Really?
You killed my old boss.
- Who says I did?
- I do.
Your vision's faulty.
- You told Ed this?
- No.
That's quite sensible of you, Pop.
If I was you,
I'd keep very quiet about it.
Spreading stories. (Tuts)
That's all.
(Door closes)
You murdered him!
You bugger! You bugger!
(Groans)
Little bugger.
I'll get him.
(Mutters)
Bugger .
- I'm an orphan!
- Get away!
- Get away from me! Leave me alone!
- I trust you, Pop. Listen.
Keep quiet.
It's like this, you see.
One day I leave the home, stroll along.
Sky blue, fresh air.
They'd found me
a likeable permanent situation.
Canteen facilities. Fortnight's
paid holiday. Staff dance each year.
What more could one wish
to devote one's life to?
I certainly love that place.
The air round Twickenham was like wine.
Then one day I take a trip
to the old man's grave.
"Ashes to ashes. Alas, the fleeting."
The sun was declining.
A few press-ups on a tomb
belonging to a family name of Cavanagh.
And I left the graveyard.
I thumbs a lift from a geezer
who promises me a bed.
Gives me a bath and a meal.
Very friendly he was. All you could wish.
A photographer.
He showed me
one or two experimental studies.
An experience for the retina
and no mistake.
Hm.
He wanted to photo me.
For certain interesting features I had
that he wanted the exclusive right
of preserving.
You know how it is.
I didn't know how to refuse.
No harm in it I suppose.
Then I got to thinking.
I knew a kid once called McBride
that it happened to.
Ah, yes.
So when I gets to think about this,
I decided I gotta do something about it.
And I gets up
in the middle of the night...
...to look for the film, you see.
Well, he has a lot of expensive equipment
about in his studio, you see.
It appears he gets the wrong idea. Huh!
He rushes in. He gives a shout.
And the long and the short of it is
I loses my head,
which is a thing
I never ought to have done
what with the worry of them photos
an' all.
And, er...
Hm, I hit him.
I hit him.
Well, he must have had a weak heart.
Something like that. Definitely
should have seen his doctor before that.
Well, I wasn't to know, was I?
Not to blame.
He was healthy. Sound as a bell.
- Weak heart.
- Weak heart, my arse.
You murdered him.
- He fell.
- He was hit. From behind.
- I had no motive, Pop.
- The camera equipment!
Ah! I never touched it! It was never
touched. That proves it, Pop, don't it?
Liar! Lying little bugger!
- Hmm! You're finished, you are.
- Hm...
I didn't tell Ed
because the police are better.
You can't be trusted I see. Irresponsible!
- I'm going to the police.
- You're not threatening me, are you?
You make me desperate.
I've got nothing to lose, you see.
One more chance, Pop.
You gonna give me away?
I'm going to the police!
You bring this on yourself, you know.
(Dadda mumbles)
(Sloane) Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee...
That's it. Pick 'em up then.
That's it. Come on.
- (Gasps)
- There they are. Come on then.
- (Sobs)
- Here you are now. Mind your fingers.
Mind your fingers.
(Choir singing on radio)
I I will take thee to my ways
I That I sin not with my tongue
(Banging upstairs)
I will keep my mouth with a bridle
Ed! Ed!
You better come inside.
The Dadda's having an accident.
- What's that?
- Ooh!
What sort of an accident?
(indistinct choral music)
The old man, he had a fall.
(Kathy) Mr Sloane,
did you strike the Dadda?
- Yes.
- Oh. You admit it. That's honest.
- Provoke you, did he?
- In a way.
Oh, what a thing to do. Hit an old man.
It's not like you.
You're usually so gentle.
- He upset me.
- Did he say a bad word?
Don't expect you can tell me what it was
cos I'll blush.
- I hit him several times.
- Now you're exaggerating.
You're not that type of young man.
Don't do it again
cos Mama wouldn't like it.
Do you want a boiled egg?
Is he all right?
You and me have got
to have a little talk, lad.
- Well, I'll just pop him and see him.
- He's asleep.
Oh! Sleeping off the excitement, is he?
I'll tell you what, I'll take him in
a toffee if I can find one.
(Sloane whistles)
- How hard did you hit him?
- Not hard.
Don't know your own strength, boy.
Using him like a punch bag.
(Lighter clicks)
- I've told you.
- He's dead.
Dead? His heart?
It's murder, boy.
Some check will have
to be made on your excesses.
- Are you sure he's dead?
- As 40 Dodos.
I tried the usual methods of ascertaining.
No heartbeat.
No misting on my cigarette case.
The finest legal brains in the country
can't save you now.
Those pills were undermining
his constitution.
- They've got nothing to do with it!
- I did him a service.
- I'm gonna call the law.
- You can't ruin my life!
I'm impressionable!
- You're my friend.
- No friend of thugs.
Now think what the nick would do to me.
Say he fell downstairs.
You're completely without morals, boy.
I hadn't realised how depraved you were.
You go murdering my father.
Now you ask me to help you evade justice.
Is this where my liberal principles
have led me?
- I ain't got no principles!
- No principles!
Oh, you really have upset me now.
Why am I interested in your welfare?
Why do thinking men everywhere
show young boys the straight and narrow?
Flash cheque books
when delinquency is mentioned?
Support the scout movement?
Principles, boy! Bleeding principles!
I'm sorry, Eddie! Hmm.
I'm sorry.
- The one thing I wanted to give you...
- What?
My principles.
Oh, I'm disillusioned.
I feel I'm doing no good at all.
I'm very bad, Eddie.
Only you can help me on the road
to a useful existence.
If you were to make demands on me, Ed,
you'd have nothing to complain of.
Any demands?
You mean that?
Let me live with you.
I'd wear out my jeans in your service.
- Cook for you.
- I eat out.
- Bring your tea in bed.
- Only tarts drink tea in bed.
Well, you bring me tea in bed then.
Any arrangement you fancy.
(Kathy screams)
He's dead! He's dead!
Do you want the neighbours
to know all our business?
Poor Dadda!
How he must have suffered!
(Tuts, sighs)
- Will I have to send in his pension book?
- Yes!
Oh.
Come on, boy. Come and get your kit.
(Knocking on door)
Don't think I'll ever get into my black.
Put on weight since we buried Mama.
- When the doctor comes...
- Mm.
- ...what are you gonna tell him?
- The Dadda had an attack.
Passed away sudden.
What about the cuts on his face?
Well, he was rude to Mr Sloane.
Provoked him.
They'll get him for murder.
They'll put him away for life.
The Dadda was rude to Mr Sloane.
He said a rude word about me.
Look, you must say
he fell down the stairs.
- I couldn't, Ed.
- We have ourselves to think of.
I pay his wages.
That makes it a tricky situation.
Aiding and abetting.
Oh, wouldn't they make an exception
if we give him a good character?
He hasn't got a good character.
Look, er, do you ever polish the lino
on the landing?
Oh, no, Ed. I have to think of the Dadda.
(Ed) Hm...
Polish it.
Should I put the Dadda's new shoes on him?
Slippy, are they?
Only worn them once.
Good girl.
You may bring the Dadda downstairs now.
Downstairs?
Yes. Lay him out on the dining room table.
Mr Sloane will help you.
To me! To me!
That's it.
Easy now. Easy.
I've got the heavy end, remember.
Mind! Careful!
Mind you don't break any of him!
No! There! That's it!
Careful! Oh, dear!
Ed... That's right.
Oopsy daisy. Gently.
- He's a weight!
- (Kathy) Yes.
- Get your kit.
- She's got two of my shirts in the wash.
Never mind all that.
There we are. Hold that, Ed.
That's it.
That's lovely. Thank you, Ed.
There we are.
Handies.
Oh, doesn't he look marvellous?
He always was an elegant man.
(Ed) Sure.
Lucky we had these left over
from the fuse.
You may light them now, Eddie.
Oh, he'd have liked this.
That's it.
Makes one feel quite pious, doesn't it?
(Lighter clicks)
I was just saying, Mr Sloane,
the ritual of it all
makes you feel quite religious.
Where are you going with the suitcase?
Why does he need his suitcase?
He's coming to live with me.
Oh, no.
He wants to stay here.
- Ask him. Do you want to stay?
- No.
Got something to tell you, Ed.
I got a bun in the oven.
You got a whole bloody baker's shop
by the look of that!
It's all right. Mr Sloane has told me
how you seduced him.
The grisly details.
Oh, Mr Sloane, dear. How could you?
- Accusing me of seducing you?
- You bloody did!
Well, that's neither here nor there,
using expressions like that.
Making yourself cheap!
He was innocent
until you got your maulers onto him.
Wouldn't know where to put it.
- I attracted him instantly.
- You couldn't attract a blind man!
Look in the glass, lady.
Let's enjoy a laugh.
What do you see?
Hm?
Me.
What are you?
Well, my hair's nice.
Natural.
I'm mature, but I can
still command a certain appeal.
The crow's-feet under your eyes alone
would make you an object of terror!
Is that how you see me, Mr Sloane?
(Sloane) More or less.
(Sobs)
On with the waterworks.
I've lost you, Mr Sloane.
Lost you forever.
(Sighs) You'll have the baby.
I'll pop round.
Where you're going
I don't think that would be possible.
- What do you mean?
- I've never been subtle.
But if you go with Ed, I shall tell
the policeman about the Dadda.
Well, if I stay here, he'll do the same.
It's what's called a dilemma, boy.
You are on the horns of it.
You see how things are, Mr Sloane?
- (Yells)
- Now then...
No! (Sobs)
- Come here!
- No, no, no!
- Come back here!
- No!
He's not gonna have you!
(Sloane) You've got
to support me, you mare!
No violence at any cost!
What's this exhibition for?
This is gratuitous violence!
Give over! Both of you!
(Kathy) No!
- He's mad with you! Now go!
- No, no! No!
No! Don't!
- Mr Sloane, no!
- (Grunts)
(Plays organ)
(Sobs) No! Don't!
He... he needs me!
Needs you?
What's he running? A freak show?
Oh, Eddie, be nice!
Nice? One does one's best in this world.
- What thanks do you get?
- I can fix her!
(Kathy screams)
He'll kill me
like he killed the Dadda. Argh!
- Get off!
- My teeth!
My teeth! (Groans)
Expensive equipment
gone west now, you see?
I'm seriously annoyed with you, boy.
Giving us the benefit of your pauperism!
We need action, not discussion!
Cut her throat, but persuade her!
Don't use that tone of voice to me, boy!
I won't be dictated to!
I've had enough of this!
- (Sloane) Oh, don't go, Ed.
- Hm!
- Ed!
- Let him go, Mr Sloane.
- We don't need him.
- He's going to the police! Stupid bitch!
Ed! Ed!
Ed! Ed!
Ed! You can't leave me with her!
Stop the car! I wanna talk to ya.
- You wouldn't put me away, would ya?
- (Engine revs)
Why don't we talk it over, Ed?
Got to think of your friend!
(Engine revs, gate squeaks)
Give us a chance, Ed!
- You've had several!
- Just one more. I need you, Ed!
You can deal with her!
A little persuasion!
Your experience at the conference table
would settle this matter!
(Engine revs)
(Screams)
No!
Stand up!
We can't conduct a serious discussion
from that position.
He's broken them.
They're only chipped.
(Groans) Ed...
What... what are we going to do, Ed?
An arrangement to suit all tastes.
That's what's needed.
Now, what are your main requirements?
I don't care what happens
as long as I don't lose the baby.
I take it there's no question
of making an honest woman of you.
You don't demand the supreme sacrifice.
- I'm not marrying her!
- Calm down!
- You can't settle me with her for life!
- Oh, look. He's near to tears.
Isn't he sweet?
Yes, he's definitely attractive
in adversity.
I warned you against women, didn't I?
Sit down!
Now, the question is,
are you prepared to accept the idea
of a partnership?
Perhaps, er...
Perhaps, er... we could share him.
Oh, Ed.
- Pfft!
- (Ed) Sit down.
Now, fair is fair.
You've had him six months.
I'll have him the next six.
That means you'd have him in the winter,
just when I need somebody and...
How do I know
you'll give him back to me after?
We can draw up a binding contract.
Fair enough?
I'd only feel that marriage
was truly binding.
And, anyway, my little boy
needs a daddy to look up to.
- I'm not marrying her, I tell you!
- Shut up! You're speaking of a lady!
He's young. He doesn't understand.
Ooh, can he be present
at the birth of the child?
It deepens the relationship, you know,
if the father's there.
It's all any reasonable child can expect
if the dad is present at the conception.
- Let's hear no more of it.
- Oh, Eddie!
No, it's agreed. Six months each.
Turn and turn about.
That means,
er... I have him the first six months
and, er, you get him back
in time for your birthday.
And you can marry him
at the start of your next go.
It's got to be now!
You don't trust me? Your own brother?
Oh, Ed, of course I do.
How could you say such a wicked thing?
It's ever so clever of you
to have thought of such a lovely idea.
It's got to be now just in case.
It can't be. There'd be banns to be read.
Marriage licences to be applied for.
Oh, we don't have
to bother about that, Eddie.
- You could marry us.
- Me?
Yes. Captains on ships are allowed to.
I wasn't a captain.
I know, but you was in the Navy.
That's true.
Well...
Perhaps there is something
in what you say.
I've got the prayer book here.
It's all in there.
Easy, easy.
We shall have a conflagration
before you can say Jack Robinson.
- A bit of grease.
- You can't make me go through with this!
The police... 999 I think it is.
Here you are. I'll take my pinny off, Ed.
"The Litany.
Thanksgiving of Women after Childbirth.
"Baptism of Riper Years..."
Ah, here we are.
"Solemnisation of Matrimony."
So excited.
Stand up.
Er, it seems to go on and on.
- Skip the boring bits.
- All right.
("The Wedding March" plays on organ)
Straighten up, lad.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here,"
er cetera...
"To satisfy man's
carnal lusts or appetites,
"like brute beasts
that hath no understanding."
I can't remember that.
Well, it's all here in black and white.
Hm...
"Secondly, it was ordained
for a remedy against sin."
And to avoid fornication.
I don't like that at all.
All right then.
Here we are..
"Wilt thou have this woman
to thy wedded wife,
"to live together after God's ordinance
in the holy state of matrimony?
"Wilt thou love her,
comfort her, honour and keep her
"in sickness and in health
"and forsaking all others
keep thee only unto her,
"so long as ye both shall live?"
Say, "I will."
I bloody won't!
You bloody will.
Now, the same to you
and you say, "I will".
"Wilt thou have this man"
et cetera, et cetera, er cetera...
- I will.
- "As long as ye both shall live.
"I pronounce that they be
man and wife together." There.
(Kathy) Oh, Mr Sloane, isn't it lovely?
Oh, Mr Sloane!
I'm so happy!
Good, good. Well, we'd best
be getting along, Mr Sloane.
Back to Dulverton Mansions.
- Ed?
- Hm?
- Can I do it for you now?
- What? Do what?
- The binding contract.
- What are you on about?
Marry you to Mr Sloane.
Don't be more stupid that God intended.
- Oh, Ed, go on. Give him the benefit.
- Ah!
No, Eddie. It'll make me ever so happy
and it won't take long.
I'm not marrying a fella!
Apart from anything else it'll be bigamy!
Who asked your opinion?
All right, Kath, dear.
If it's going to make you happy,
we'll do it.
("The Wedding March" plays on organ)
Ready?
"Dearly beloved,
"we are gathered together here
"in the face of this congregation
"to join together this man and this... man
"in holy matrimony,
"which is an honourable estate.
"Wilt thou love him,
"comfort him, honour and keep him
"in sickness and in health
"and forsaking all others
keep thee only unto him
"as long as you both shall live."
Say, "I will."
I will.
Aw! Aw!
So we sweat and we strain
Entertaining Mr Sloane
(Organ music)
I kept silence
But it was pain and grief to me
My heart was hot within me
(Bird squawks)
And while I was
thus musing the fire kindled
And at last I spoke with my tongue
Lord, let me know mine end
And the number of my days
That I may be certified
How long I have to live
Thou hast made my days
As it were a span long
And verily every man living
ls altogether vanity
For man walketh in a vain shadow
I And disquieteth in vain
He heapeth up riches
And cannot tell who shall gather them.
O spare me a little
That I may recover my strength
Before I go hence
And be no more seen
"The Lord gave,
and the Lord hath taken away.
"Blessed be the name of the Lord.
"Remember not the sins
and of fences of my youth.
"But according to Thy mercy,
think Thou upon me.
"O Lord, for Thy goodness."
"Man that is born a woman
hath but a short time to live
"and is full of misery.
"He cometh up
and is cut down like a flower.
"He fleeth as it were a shadow,
"and never continueth is one stay.
"In the midst of life we are in death.
"Of whom then may we seek for succour,
but of thee, O Lord,
"who for our sins are justly displeased?"
"Thou knowest, Lord,
the secrets of our hearts,
"yet delivereth us not
into the bitter pains of eternal death.
"We shall change our vile body,
"that it may be like
unto his glorious body.
"According to the mighty working
"whereby he is able
to subdue all things to himself.
"We commend under Thy hands of mercy
"the soul of this our brother departed,
"and we commit his body to the ground.
"Earth to earth, ashes to ashes,
"dust to dust.
"And we beseech Thy infinite goodness
"to give us grace to live in Thy fear
"and to die in Thy favour.
"That when the judgment shall come...
"...both this our brother and we
may be found acceptable in Thy sight."
(Birds chirping)
(He inhales, exhales)
(Exhales)
(inhales, exhales)
What a smooth skin you have on you.
- Eh?
- I saw you lying there and I thought...
I don't care to think what I thought.
I try to keep fit.
Er... sun invigorates it.
I like a lad with a nice smooth body.
I'm quite a regular here, you know.
Do you come here
purely for pleasure or...?
- My parents are buried here.
- Ah.
I come in the autumn
to keep the leaves clear.
- Poor boy.
- No, it's no hardship.
I bring sandwiches. Make a day of it.
They been gone long?
I was brought up in an orphanage.
Yes. You had the air of lost wealth.
It's funny you should say that.
My parents were,
I believe, extremely wealthy people.
I have an idea.
They had a suicide pact anyway.
With a nice lad like you to take care of,
you'd have thought
they'd postpone it a bit.
Criminals were they, dear?
From what I can remember
they were respected.
HP debts, a little light gardening.
The usual activities
of a cultured community.
What's your name?
Sloane.
Are you, erm...?
Are you residential hereabouts,
Mr Sloane?
I was. I'm looking for a place
that's more convenient.
Oh. Was your last place bad?
Bad? No idea!
Oh, as bad as that? Poor boy.
All alone in the world like me.
- Aren't you married?
- Well, I was.
My husband was a mere boy.
I had a little baby.
Killed in very sad circumstances.
Broke my heart for a time.
He's... he's round here somewhere.
You don't look old enough.
(Chuckles) Oh, Mr Sloane!
As a matter of fact, I'm just, er...
I'm 39.
(Snorts) It's almost unbelievable.
(Chuckles) Well, I haven't let myself go
like some you might have noticed.
But... we have a room
to spare as it happens, Mr Sloane.
Just your style I should hazard.
Elegant simplicity.
Would you be interested?
Hm, I might.
(Birds chirping)
- Have you been a widow long?
- Oh, yes. A long time.
To tell the truth I was never married.
- Hm...
- Are you shocked?
- (Chuckles)
- Broad-minded.
We always planned to,
but he had a duty to his family,
and, as I say,
I'd have been his widow today,
so, all in all,
it seemed best not to bother.
You're about the same age as my boy
had been if I'd been allowed to keep him.
You've got the same refinement.
- I need understanding.
- Yes, you do, don't you?
Ooh. What a lovely neck you got on you.
Just a motherly kiss.
I upset easy, you know.
There's so many ruined lives.
You must treat me gently
when I'm in one of my moods.
How much are you charging?
I mean, I gotta know.
- Oh, we'll come to some arrangement.
- Mm.
Do you like flock or foam
in your pillow, Mr Sloane?
Foam rubber.
Oh, yes, you need
a bit of luxury, don't you?
I've bought the Dadda one,
but he says it makes his ears sweat.
Lovely piece of building that.
(Sloane) Yeah. Lovely.
000-000! Stop throwing stones
at the birds, Dadda.
- We have a visitor.
- Is it Eddie?
Oh, don't you even know your own son?
Of course it's not Eddie.
He behaves like a little child sometimes.
I'm ashamed to bring a friend
or a guest to this house.
He puts them off so.
Dadda! Dadda!
Let him shake you by the hand.
Mr Sloane is going to stay with us.
He can't. We've got no room.
Oh! Make an effort, will you?
What will the gentleman think?
Do you feel embarrassed, Mr Sloane?
- No.
- There you are.
Now, pull yourself together.
Can I trust you to behave
while I make Mr Sloane a cup of tea?
Entertain Mr Sloane. Go on.
Give him the benefit of your experience.
I don't care to wonder
what you must think of us.
Your face is familiar.
Have I seen your photo in the paper
in connection with some event?
- No.
- Pop in the pub at the end of the road?
- I don't drink.
- Churchgoer, are you?
I used to be in the old days.
I'd knock up the vicar at all hours.
But then I lost touch.
I've seen you somewhere.
I rarely forget a face.
Er, forget it, son.
I am not seen about much.
- How many children do you have?
- Two.
Is your daughter married?
Well, she was. Had a terrible time.
- Kiddy died.
- You have a son, don't you?
Yes, but we're not on speaking terms.
- How long is it?
- 20 years.
- Strewth!
- You perhaps find that hard to believe?
I do, actually. Not speaking for 20 years?
I think that's coming it a bit strong.
Oh, I may have exchanged a few words.
Oh, yes, I can believe that.
(Dadda) He was a good boy.
Played some amazing games as a youth.
Won every goal at football one season.
Sport mad he was.
Then one day,
shortly after his 17th birthday,
I had cause to return home unexpected,
and found him committing
some kind of felony in his bedroom.
Is that straight?
I never could forgive him.
- Puritan, are you?
- Oh, yes. Every inch.
That kind of thing
happens all too often I believe.
For myself, I usually lock the door.
I'd remove the lock.
Anticipating
some such tendencies on his part.
I'd done it as a precautionary measure.
Mm.
Perfect skyline you got there.
Stunning it is. Stunning.
(Dadda)
We tried putting in for one of them flats.
No good.
If my boss was alive,
I'd have gone to him.
- He knew the right people.
- Dead, is he?
No! He was murdered.
- On the unsolved crime list he is.
- A murderer not brought to justice!
(Tuts) That's a sobering thought.
Why can't they find the murderer?
Didn't they advertise?
Yes, they took a piece in the local paper.
- How long ago was all this?
- Two years.
(Exhales)
Do they have any clue
to the murderer's identity?
(Dadda) He was a young man
with a very smooth skin.
Is he a small man your boss?
Yes.
Wavy hair.
- Wore a tweed tie.
- What was his profession?
He was a photographer.
Specialised in views of the river.
- You were employed in his service?
- Yeah. General handyman.
We gave the murderer a lift
on the night of the crime.
Oh, you saw him, then?
Ooh, I saw him, all right.
Why didn't you go to the police?
Oh, I can't get involved
in that kind of case.
I might get my name in the papers.
Yes, I see your point of view.
They won't find the killer now.
I should very much doubt it.
- (Clicks tongue) Scent's gone cold.
- Yes.
Hand me over them flowers, will you?
- What's this? What's this?
- We have met before!
- I've never seen you.
- On my life I remember.
- Your eyes aren't good.
- I can still identify you.
- Identify me?
- If it was necessary.
- How could it be necessary?
- It might be.
Do lay off. You couldn't identify
herring on a plate!
Don't you speak to me like that, sonny,
or you'll find yourself in trouble.
Get on, you old prat!
I'll have somebody to you!
You'll see if I don't!
Why don't you shut your mouth
and give your arse a chance?
- (Dadda grunts)
- Ow!
You bleeding maniac! Me leg! Me leg!
- You provoked me!
- I shall be in a wheelchair for life!
Oh, you cow! I'm covered in blood!
What happened? What happened?
Did he attack you?
- Mm.
- He's never shown signs before.
It wasn't intentional. I was provoked.
- (Groans)
- ls there pain?
Are you hurt bad?
He's got an artery.
I'm losing pints. Oh, Christ.
I thought he was further off.
I can't judge distances!
You lean on me, Mr Sloane.
- You'll be better off in the house.
- Sorry!
Catch those cakes
before they go down the drain!
He ought to be in Colney Hatch.
He's a slate off! Throwing things about.
Dadda? Dadda, get the Dettol out
of the fridge and put it in some water.
Make yourself useful.
- (Blows)
- (Bird coos)
(Woman) Dadda!
- Er, something to eat?
- No.
Dadda?
- I can't apologise enough, Mr Sloane.
- He's a maniac.
No, he's much better usually
with strangers. You lie there, dear.
There we are.
Gently. That's it, Mr Sloane.
Is that better? Oh, good.
(Sloane) I did nothing to antagonise him.
(Woman) Dadda? Dadda!
Oh, dear. He's got slower and slower.
He'll be here in a minute I expect.
Are you all right?
(Sloane) Oh!
There's blood running on your settee.
You'll have a stain. I can see it coming.
Wait a minute. Here we are.
I... I was going to make a blouse of this,
but there isn't enough.
I'm quite eminent above the waist,
as I expect you've noticed.
I think I'm gonna spew.
Yes, well, I'll just get a cloth
to bathe the wound.
Just a minute.
Er... Here we are.
- Ah!
- Go and sit in the kitchen.
You've caused enough damage for one day.
It was his fault!
He was nearer than I thought!
And don't go eating anything
while you're out there.
Oh, what a lovely pair of shoes.
Oh, Christ! Oh, Christ!
I wonder, Mr Sloane,
if you'd take your trousers off.
I do hope you don't think
there's anything behind the request.
I had the upbringing
that a nun would envy.
And that's the truth.
That's it.
You lift up and I'll pull them off.
Do you know,
I was more familiar with Africa
than I was with my own body,
till I was 15.
That's why I'm so pliable.
Ooh! Attacked you from behind, did he?
Never mind. There we are.
- Ow!
- Ooh! Is that tender?
Oh!
You've got a skin on you like a princess.
Better than some of those tarts you see
prancing about on the telly.
Funny, though.
The hairs on your legs are dark.
- Eh?
- Attractive, though.
- Dark?
- Mm, you being blond.
- Oh, yeah.
- Nature's a funny thing, isn't it?
There we are.
That's better now, isn't it?
Not too tight?
- (Sloane) No, it's OK.
- Oh.
I've been doing my washing today.
I haven't got a stitch on except my shoes.
I'm all in the rude under this dress.
I only tell you
cos you're bound to have noticed.
No, no!
Don't move.
- Give your blood time to steady itself.
- Is this one of yours?
(Woman chuckles)
Yes, I wondered where I'd left that.
Long, isn't it? You seen 'em?
Long, elegant legs.
I could give one or two of 'em a surprise.
Mind you, my look is quite different
when I'm in private.
You, er... You can't see
through this dress, can you?
I've been worried
for fear of embarrassing you.
- Whoa!
- Ooh!
(Chuckles) Ooh!
Mr Sloane, don't betray your trust.
- I just thought...
- I know what you thought.
You wanted to see if my titties
are all my own, didn't you?
You're all the same, you men.
Did you call?
I-l thought I heard you call.
Did you call?
Get back to the kitchen!
Mr Sloane is only now recovering
from your previous maraudings!
I thought I heard you cry out.
You'll cry out
before I've finished with you.
Oh, well, if that's the way of it...
I must apologise for the Dadda, Mr Sloane.
He's not been the same
since he went on the new pills.
He knows no restraint sometimes.
You're the one to watch. I can tell.
(Chuckles)
Ooh, you'd have me naked on the floor
given half a chance.
Rolling about!
(Chuckles)
Ooh, if my brother was to find out...
Would you like to go to bed?
It's only half-past three!
Yes, but you've had a shock.
You need a rest.
- I'll bring your supper up to your room.
- All right.
Er, that drawer's my medicine chest. Do
help yourself to the occasional aspirin.
- Er, what about my, erm...?
- Oh, the Dadda will fetch those.
I'm going to sponge these.
There's a little nick in the material.
I can mend that for you.
There.
- Dadda!
- I suppose you didn't call then either.
That's quite enough. And turn your face
away. Mr Sloane has no trousers on.
- On you go up, Mr Sloane.
- Which is...?
It's the door on the left.
Now I want an explanation
of your eccentric behaviour.
- Yes, Kathy.
- Don't you "Kathy" me.
Well, he upset me.
I've seen him before.
You've seen the milkman, but there's no
cause to throw the garden shears at him.
- It wasn't the shears!
- Never mind.
You go and get Mr Sloane's suitcase!
(Sighs)
(Horn honks)
Oh! Dadda! Dadda!
(Tyres screeching)
(Brakes squeaking)
(Engine revs)
(Tyres screeching)
Dadda!
(Chuckles) Dadda!
It's me!
Dadda!
Why don't you speak to me?
Why don't you speak to your
only begotten son, you old tvvank?
Bastard.
(Bicycle bell rings)
Dadda!
All right.
Where's he going now? Where are you
going on the wrong side of the road?
Bollocks!
Silly old sod, you!
What the hell do you think
you're doing down there?
All right.
You awkward sod! I'll have ya!
(Tyres screeching)
(Car approaching)
(Horn honks)
(Chuckles)
(Son) What? What do you mean?
Who told you to take in lodgers?
Well, I needed a bit extra.
You know what they say
about landladies.
They say they'd sleep with a broom handle
in trousers. That's what they say.
I'm not like that, Ed.
You're good-natured, though.
They mistake it.
I can't have my sister
keeping a common kip.
Some of my associates
are men of distinction.
If they realised how my family carry on,
I'll be barred from the best places.
How old is he?
He's young-
These fellows sleep
with their landladies automatic.
Has he made suggestions?
Suggested,
er, you bring him his supper in bed?
It's what they do, you know.
Then take advantage.
Mr Sloane is superior to that, Ed.
Where did you find him?
In the library.
Picked him up, did you?
He was having trouble with his rent.
His landlady was unscrupulous.
Where is he?
He's upstairs resting.
Hm.
Ed...
Eddie.
If you send him away, I shall cry.
He's got no mama. He's an orphan.
I'm to be his mama, Ed.
Don't let me down again, darling.
Mr Sloane wouldn't do wrong.
He's cultured. He's informed.
Hm. Huh.
(Tuts)
(Sighs)
Had the trousers off him already I see.
Can't leave you alone for five minutes.
Eddie! Ed!
It'd crease me if you misbehaved again.
(Clock chimes, knocking on door)
- Come in.
- I've been, er...
- Oh, Mr Sloane.
- That's me.
Er, look. I've come up
to apologise for my sister's behaviour.
She's not in the best of health. She's...
Well, I wouldn't say she's unbalanced, no.
That'd be going too far.
She suffers from migraine.
That's why it'd be best
if you declined her offer of a room.
- Oh, yes?
- Huh! Oh, yes.
What is all this laying in the dark?
Got a headache or something?
- Yes!
- I'm not surprised!
Fresh air's what you need.
There's no good playing for sympathy
with me you'll find.
I've heard all this
you've been telling my sister.
About you being an orphan and everything.
Oh, well, it must have been
a rotten life for a kid,
being an orphan and everything.
Mixed home was it?
Just boys.
Ideal.
How many to a room?
- Eight.
- Really?
Same age were they or older?
Hm, the ages varied by a year or two.
You had your compensations then?
(Chuckles) Keep you out of mischief, eh?
(Both chuckling)
Yes, well, as I was saying, the fact is...
Well, perhaps I was wrong.
I just felt that my sister was,
er, taking on too many responsibilities.
She's a charming woman, as a rule.
Charming.
No hesitation in saying that.
She, er, lost her husband.
And her little kid.
Tell you, did she?
She mentioned it in passing.
What did she say?
Said she married young.
Yes.
She married a mate of mine.
A valiant man.
We were together in Gib.
In the Navy?
Are you interested in the Navy then?
Sailors, uniforms, training ships.
Garrison towns, et cetera.
(Clicks tongue) Yeah.
- Married?
- No.
Wise man, wise man.
- Girlfriends?
- No.
No, you're a librarian.
No!
- Oh, that's what she said...
- No!
I help out at Len's, the tobacconist,
just on Saturdays.
- Oh, I see.
- He's a mate of mine, Len.
You might have chanced across him.
He was a sailor too.
Lifeguard at the baths one time.
Nice chap.
Fond of swimming, are you?
Oh, I like a plunge now and then.
Body building.
Body building, soccer.
Pole vault.
Long distance. 100 yards. Discus.
(Exhales) Putting the shot.
Relays. Hammer.
Javelin.
Hurdles.
My word.
Yes, I'm an all-rounder.
Great all-rounder.
Anything you care to mention?
Nothing I like more than a good, erm...
(Smacks lips) ...workout.
(Chuckles)
Yeah, I used to do a lot of that one time.
With my mate.
We used to do all that,
what you just said.
We were young. Innocent too.
(Sighs) All over now. Ah!
Developing your muscles, eh?
(Chuckles) And character.
So, well, well,
you're a little body builder, are you?
I bet you are. (Chuckles)
- Done any, er, wrestling?
- On occasion.
Look.
- Got a full chest.
- Hm.
(Sloane) Narrow hips.
Me biceps are, er...
Do you, er, ever wear leather?
Leather next to your skin?
Leather jeans, say? Without, er... Huh...
- Er...
- Pants?
(Chuckles) Get away!
Ah, question is are you clean living?
You may as well know
I set great store by morals.
Too much
of this casual bunking-up these days.
Your back-alley knee-tremblers.
Too many lads being ruined by birds.
I don't want you
messing about with my sister.
Oh, I wouldn't.
- Have you made overtures to her?
- No.
- Would you?
- No.
- Not if circumstances were propitious?
- Never.
Oh, does she disgust you?
Should she?
Would be better if she did.
She does a bit.
Women are like banks, boy.
Breaking and entering
is a serious business.
I'm a law-abiding citizen.
(Both chuckling)
I might let you be my, er, chauffeur.
- Would you?
- Hm.
(Chuckles) We'll see, we'll see.
- I could get you a uniform.
- (Exhales)
Boots. Pants.
Guaranteed no imitation leather jacket.
White, brushed-nylon T-shirt.
A little leather cap.
Like that, eh?
Yeah.
(Chuckles)
I'll have a word with my sister.
(Door opens)
(Ed hums)
(Door closes, smacks lips)
(Clicks)
(Ed) Picked a nice lad there. Clean.
Don't take any money from him. I'll pay.
He's gonna work for me.
Can I buy him a shirt?
He can buy his own clothes.
Making yourself look ridiculous.
Well, when it's Christmas, Ed,
can I buy him a little gift?
No. Well, I've got to go.
I shall have a light meal,
take a couple of Nembutal and bed.
I shall, er, be out of town tomorrow.
Oh, Ed!
- Where?
- In Aylesbury.
I shall dress in a quiet suit.
Drive up in the motor.
The commissionaire will spring forward.
There in that miracle
of glass and concrete
my colleagues and me will have a quiet
drink before the business of the day.
- Are they nice your friends?
- Mature men.
- No ladies?
- What are you talking about?
I live in a world of top decisions.
We've no time for ladies.
Ladies are nice at a gathering, Ed.
They add colour and gaiety.
We don't want a lot of half-witted tarts
frightening everybody with their clothes.
Perhaps you'll invite me
to your hotel one day.
- (Ed) I might.
- Is it exquisitely furnished? High up?
(Ed) Very high. I see the river often.
(Groans, mutters)
Ooh!
Persuade the old man to speak to me.
I can't, Ed.
I can't do anything with him.
I'll get my lawyer to send a letter.
If it's done legal, he'll prove amenable.
- Be a good girl.
- Bye!
- Bye!
- Bye-bye, Eddie!
(Brakes squealing)
(explosion)
(Dadda chuckles)
Time for beddy-byes.
(Dadda) I was enjoying that.
- It's only rubbish.
- I like it.
If you're so anxious for something to do,
why don't you speak to your son?
Dadda, you are so selfish sometimes.
Ed has invited me to his luxury suite.
A waitress comes in with tea.
Speak to him, Dadda.
Never. I'm not signing nothing.
Oh, you are so unkind.
If you don't speak to Eddie,
he won't ask me to his suite.
I haven't been feeling well lately.
Me eyes are getting worse.
Without a word of a lie,
you're like a little child.
On you go. Up to bed.
- Nearly finished, Mr Sloane?
- Mm.
Perhaps you'd care
to join me in the lounge later.
I have some urgent knitting to do.
(Slurps)
(Belches)
A boy like that shouldn't be expected
to live with the rougher elements.
Do you know, Dadda, he got a skin on him,
the like of which I never felt before.
His story was so sad.
I wept when I heard it.
I'm all alone, Kath.
Don't be so silly. You've got me.
He may take you away.
- Where to?
- Edinburgh.
- It's too cold.
- Or Bournemouth.
You always said
you'd go somewhere with palms.
I would always consult you first.
You might put me in a home.
Would you be tempted?
Don't be so silly.
In the morning you'll feel different.
Yes.
(Groans) You don't love me.
I do. I never stopped loving you.
Ooh! I'm going to die, Kath.
Oh, I'm dying.
Not surprised.
Half a jar of pickled onions you put away.
Don't come complaining to me
with your tummy ache.
- I've got no sympathy for you.
- Good night then.
Oh...
Do you know, I feel quite depleted.
I think I'll turn in early tonight.
Oh, there you are, Mr Sloane.
One does like to keep the smells down
to a modicum, doesn't one?
Enjoy your supper?
Lovely piece of ham, wasn't it?
Lovely.
- Isn't this room gorgeous?
- Yes.
That vase come from Bombay.
Have you any interest
in that part of the world?
I like Dieppe.
(Chuckles) Oh, well, I suppose
it's all the same, really, isn't it?
I don't suppose they even know
the difference themselves!
- Are you quite comfortable?
- Great.
There we are. Wait a minute.
- Is that better?
- Mm.
Oh! Ooh, Mr Sloane.
I fear this light's showing me up.
I blame the manufacturers, you know.
They make garments so thin nowadays,
you'd think they almost intended
to provoke a rape.
(Chuckles)
You're a teaser, ain't ya?
(Chuckles)
Would you like to see my snaps?
I was going to show you the letter
written by my little boy's father.
I treasure it above all else.
I lost it, though.
Now, there you are.
- (Sloane) Is that him?
- No!
That's Eddie. That's my lover.
Oh, it does bring back memories.
He, too, was handsome,
and in the prime of his manhood.
Is it any wonder I fell?
I wish he was here
to love and protect me now.
Oh, that's me.
Taken ages ago.
I was younger then.
Smart.
My hair was always a feature.
Oh, don't think I can show you this one.
- Let's have a look.
- No, no.
(Chuckles) Ooh! Ooh!
- (Sloane) What's that?
- Well, that's a seat.
Erected in memory of Miss Gwen Lewis,
a lady who took a lot of trouble
with invalids.
Just near that seat
that my baby was first thought of.
What, on that seat?
(Chuckles) No, not exactly on that seat.
Just nearby.
- In the bushes?
- (Chuckles)
Oh, Mr Sloane!
Oh, he was so rough with me.
He was... He was so thoughtless.
I couldn't describe my feelings.
I really couldn't.
Ooh! Oh, you knocked all my snaps down.
I don't know what I'm going to do
with you, Mr Sloane.
Surely I don't.
I don't think the fastening on this thing
is gonna last much longer.
Mm.
You should wear more clothes, Mr Sloane.
You're as naked as I am,
and there's no excuse for it.
You got no vest on, have you?
- No.
- (Chuckles)
I need to be loved, Mr Sloane.
Oh, who can resist
love's impulses, Mr Sloane?
Who can foretell
where it's going to strike?
Ooh!
Why should we be ashamed,
Mr Sloane?
It's bigger than both of us, Mr Sloane!
Oh, Mr Sloane,
say words of love to me,
words that every woman
wants to hear.
(Grunting and muttering)
Oh, Mr Sloane, lost in love.
Lost in a frenzy of passion.
(Groans)
Stay with me, Mr Sloane.
I'll be your mama
and you'll be my baby.
Ooh, Mr Sloane,
no sooner had I seen you,
than I knew the touch of your hand
would send hectic thrills
tingling through my every...(Groans)
Speak words of love to me, Mr Sloane,
those tender words that
every woman wants to hear.
- (Sloane) Oh, Christ!
- What do you say?
Oh, lost in love!
Lost in a frenzy of passion!
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, what a heavy baby you are, Mr Sloane.
(Moans) Oh, I should be so ashamed
in the morning. Ooh!
Breakfast in bed
That what he said
he'd like to begin with
Him with the smooth skin
With the blank eyes
And it's surprising
how it's progressed from there
Dare I hope
Given rope enough
You'll be dope enough to marry me
We'll see
We mustn't complain
Every now and again
He will make it plain
He appreciates the pains
We're taking
Making him feel at home
So we sweat and we strain
Entertaining Mr Sloane
Cleaning the car
Duties which are his
And that's for certain
Dirt on his white curtain
Little hands
One understands him, yes
He's an orphan lad
Bad he's not and he's got a chance
Ah, but what's the chance
he fancies me?
We'll see
But we mustn't complain
Every now and again
He will make it plain
He appreciates the pain
We're taking
Making him feel at home
And we sweat and we strain
Entertaining Mr Sloane
One pickle left
And that great hefty shoulder
it nicks it
Sticks it down
his biscuit-coloured face
And it's disgraceful
he should be living here
Queer, that's it
He's a pretty DOV
It's a pity DOV
It's you or me
We'll see
But we mustn't complain
Every now and again
He will make it plain
He appreciates the pains we're taking
- (Horn honks)
-(Mouth) Come on!
Making him feel at home
So we sweat and we strain
Entertaining Mr Sloane
(Gate squeaks)
Quite comfortable, are you?
(Kathy) 000-000!
(Smacks lips, chuckles)
Ooh!
- There we are.
- What you got in the pram?
It's my gnomie-pomie.
Bad weather damaged him.
His ickle hat come off.
Had to take him up the gnomes hospital
to be repaired.
Why's Eddie mending the car?
I was on the beer last night.
Me guts is playing up.
- Oh, poor boy.
- No, don't.
We have to make allowances for you.
You're young.
We toured the nighteries in the motor.
Is Eddie with you?
No, he was too tired.
Had a hard day yesterday.
Don't knock yourself out, will you?
Me and Mr Sloane was just discussing him
to come and give you a hand.
- He has to conserve his strengths.
- He's not taking advantage, Ed.
(Crackling)
You... you are a lovely colour, you.
Pink with a touch of blue
around your lips.
You're getting overheated, Ed.
Mr Sloane, feel his head.
He doesn't want to feel my head!
Hm! Petrol's down a bit, innit?
You ought to get yourself a new car.
It eats petrol this.
I see a woolly in B0yce's, Mr Sloane. I'm
gonna give it you as a birthday present.
What do you want to do that for?
Come on, boy. Come and sit by me.
We've got to be off. You drive.
(Engine starts)
Getting as fat as a pig she is.
- Is she?
- She ought to slim. I'd advise that.
She's 42 and she's like a sow.
Well, she is my sister.
- She's not bad.
- No?
- Do you know what I fancy right now?
- What?
- How about going swimming?
- Swimming?
What sort of tomfoolery is that?
- On a weekday.
- Just...
Strip off and... plunge in.
(Slurps)
(indistinct chatter)
- Oh!
- Ah!
Why can't they look
where they're going these women?
Have you seen 'em? Look.
They can't call that swimming.
How could anyone swim
with those great things dangling down?
It stands to reason.
The aerodynamics are all wrong.
No wonder they have
to give them a start at the Olympics.
- Put this stuff on me back.
- I don't want that muck all over me.
Oh, go on. Give us a rub.
(Eddie exhales)
Ah, this stuff smells
like a knocking shop.
- Do it yourself.
- Hm.
The way these birds
treat decent fellows...
Hope you never get serious with one.
What a life.
Backache. Headache.
Or her mum told her never to
when there's an "R" in the month.
- It turns me up.
- Ah, you're too sensitive.
That's right.
I just don't give a monkey's fart.
(Screams)
(Laughter)
What's, er, your opinion of the way
these women carry on?
I feel, er...
- How would you say?
- Don't you think they're crude?
Occasionally, in a way.
All the same, it's...
...necessary.
Now you're talking
a different subject entirely.
It's necessary, I grant you,
occasionally.
But it's got to be kept within bounds.
I can deal with them,
the same as you. Hmm.
On the main points we agree I'm sure.
I have a certain amount of influence,
if you understand.
Friends with money.
They could be a help to a lad like you.
I, myself, am the possessor
of two bank accounts.
I generally spend my holidays in places
where the bints
have got rings through their noses.
Does that, er, impress you?
Yes, I'm impressed, Ed.
So, er...
You didn't, er, use my car
last night then?
Car?
Me?
That's all I wanted to know.
So long
as you're telling the truth, boy. Hm?
Hmm.
Yeah, you've got an honest hand.
Square.
- What a grip you've got.
- I'm improving.
Yes. You've grown bigger and bolder
since we met.
Don't grow too bold, will you?
Eh? (Chuckles)
No fear of that, Ed.
(Tyres screeching)
(Car radio plays pop music)
(Tyres screeching)
(Gas-PS) My teeth!
(Clattering)
Hm.
(Watering cans clattering)
(Whistles)
(Bellows)
(Mutters)
(Mumbles)
(Clatters)
(Exhales)
Mr Sloane?
Mr Sloane!
Do you know it's almost four o'clock?
Mama's been very worried about you.
(Drunk) We've been out on the town.
Thorpe, Beck, Doolan and me.
I do hope you've behaved yourselves.
- The soul of discretion. Brrrr!
- Oh!
(Katy mutters)
We ended up at a fabulous place.
Soft music.
Pink shades.
Lovely atmosphere.
(Exhales)
(Singsong) One of the hostesses
gave me her number.
Told me to ring her.
Take no notice of her, Mr Sloane.
She might not be nice.
She might be a party girl!
You know...
...you're developing
distinctly possessive tendencies.
(Belches) Oh...
- Mama can't be possessive...
- Oh, oh, oh.
Never heard of a possessive mum?
(Blows a raspberry)
Oh, Mr Sloane! That's rude!
Did she teach you to say that?
You're spoiling yourself in my eyes,
Mr Sloane!
Don't know why
you want to bother with these girls
when you have your friends for company.
- They're boys!
- Well...
You can speak freely with them.
Not like with a lady.
- Perhaps she's after your money.
- I ain't got any.
- Will she make you ill?
- Oh, shut it!
Make me ill!
- Girls do.
- (Exhales)
You disgust me, you do.
Sitting there without your teeth.
- You disgust me.
- My teeth, Mr Sloane...
Since you mention the matter,
which a true gentleman would hesitate...
(imitates Kathy)
Which a true gentleman would hesitate...
Are in the kitchen in Stergene.
Unlike some who are careless
with their dentures,
I allow mine a good soak
almost every night.
(Chuckles, exhales)
- Do I really disgust you?
- You horrify me.
Think I'm kidding? I'll move
out of my room if you don't watch out.
- No!
- I'll just clear out!
No, Mr Sloane!
Don't think of such drastic action!
Oh, Mr Sloane, I should never
forgive myself if I drove you away.
I won't say anymore. It's just I...
I was upset and I need comfort.
(Sniffles)
Are you still disgusted?
A bit.
Sorry, baby.
- Better?
- Hm-mm...
Stay with me, Mr Sloane.
Bleugh!
Er, I was just wondering
if you'd got the evening paper in there.
See, I can't sleep for the noise.
I thought I'd catch up on world events.
Here!
All right! All right!
I want to sleep now.
(Groans)
- (Breathes heavily)
- (Door closes)
(Muttering)
Oh, Mr Sloane!
(Groaning and giggling)
(Grunting and groaning)
Come on.
- Come on, Mr Sloane.
- I don't want to!
- Why? Come on.
- I feel awful.
Never mind. It'll be lovely.
('Engine spluttering')
(Engine spluttering)
(Squeaking)
- (Eddie) Kath!
- Yes!
Oh!
Where was he last night?
Mr Sloane?
He was watching telly.
Programme where everybody
had to guess everybody else's name.
He used the car last night.
- No, he never.
- He used the car last night.
He's a great help to me, Ed.
I shall have to take a sedative
if he goes away. He's my baby.
I'll find an older man for you.
More maturity.
If you send him away, I shall cry.
Like the time you took my real baby.
You were wicked then. Being rude.
Ruining my little matey.
Teaching him nasty things.
That's why I sent it away.
You're not doing rude things with this
little kiddie, are you? Like with Tommy.
I never wanted to do rude things.
Tommy made me. He pestered me all summer.
You're a liar!
He never wanted
to have anything to do with you.
He told me that.
Yes, he did. He wanted to marry me
and his folks was against it.
Marry you? Huh!
You're a ridiculous figure and no mistake.
Oh, Mr and Mrs Albian Bolter,
they was quite ready for you to marry him.
No, they wasn't cos I was poor.
I couldn't fit in with
the social background required of him.
His duty come between us.
They wanted you to marry him!
Tommy and me had our first set-to about it.
No, Tommy loved me.
Forget it!
Well, he sent me
that letter that I treasure.
I burnt it.
(Church bell tolls)
It was his last words to me.
Never mind all that.
I'm not having this kiddy going
the same way. That's for certain.
What's, er... this?
It's, it's a lady's lipstick, Ed.
Yours?
It was in the car
your Mr Sloane didn't use last night.
(Siren wails in the distance)
I'll get him.
I Him with the smooth skin
I With the blank eyes
Ed!
Ed!
- Dadda.
- Eddie! I want a word with...
With you.
Dadda!
- Dadda! What's come over you?
- (Groans)
ls all forgiven after all these years?
Oh, don't kneel to me.
I forgive you.
- I'm the one to kneel.
- No, no!
Pat me on the head. Pronounce a blessing.
Forgive and forget, eh?
- I'm sorry and so are you.
- No, it's about him.
- Hm?
- What's his background?
- What do you know about him?
- Why?
- Do you like him?
- One of the best.
- He comes to my room at night.
- I don't believe it.
I'm telling you. I can't sleep for worry.
He comes in
and stands by my bed in the dark
without his pyjamas.
Does he?
He... he kicked me yesterday.
I'll have a word with him.
Er, er... And that's not all.
She's going to have...
(Sloane groans)
I should send him home.
(Snores)
Mr Sloane?
- Hm...
- Mr Sloane?
(Groans)
You're to go downstairs and see Ed.
He's ever so cross.
Says you were out in the motor last night.
Gave his consent as a matter of fact.
He's talking
in terms of cards and dismissal.
You was with a lady he says.
He got proof.
Hm.
Proof? What proof? (Groans)
I don't know.
I've been to the register office.
Register office. What for?
About the license.
What are you talking about?
I haven't told Ed yet.
But we're going to have...
Well, thanks, Dad, for letting me know.
You were right to come to me.
Where was you last night?
(Sloane) I retired early.
A beaker of Bournvita, a good book.
What more can a man ask?
Do you think I'm an idiot or something?
(Gunshot)
Oh, I remember now. I went for a spin.
Had headache. Along the A40.
- Who went with you?
- Nobody.
(Gunshot)
Three mates come with me.
Who were they?
Would I want them in my motor?
You'd recognise Harry Thorpe. Small.
Clear complexion. Infectious good humour.
Harry Beck and Doolan.
No, you wouldn't know them.
What type of youths are they?
Impeccable taste.
Buy their clothes up west.
Any of them wear lipstick?
(Sloane clicks tongue)
Erm, you've jogged my memory. Erm...
(Smacks lips) Doolan's married.
We took his wife along. Just for the ride.
Just for the ride.
Straight up, Ed.
You lying little bastard,
taking birds out in my motor.
Well, what's up, Ed?
You're put out. I can tell.
The old man's been
making a complaint about you.
Ah, his mind's going senile.
I've been meaning to mention it.
- Did you ever kick him?
- Occasionally, Ed. He understands.
And he said...
Is she, er... pregnant?
Who?
Now, she threw herself at me.
What a little whoreson you are.
You little whoreson!
You are a little whoreson and no mistake!
I'm nonplussed, boy. Choked.
What attracted you?
Did she give trading stamps?
- I put up a fight!
- She had your cherry.
You've no idea. I prayed for guidance.
I'd imagine a prayer for your situation
would be hard to come by.
Did you never think
of locking your bedroom door?
Oh, you don't understand.
It gathered momentum.
You make it sound like a washing machine.
When did you stop?
- I haven't stopped!
- Not stopped!
Lay Off, Ed!
You're a constant source
of amazement, boy.
A never-ending tale of infamy.
I'd hardly credit it.
Joyriding in an expensive motor.
A woman pregnant.
My word! You're unforgiveable!
I don't know that I'm qualified
to pronounce judgment.
Oh!
I know I done wrong, Ed.
It's my upbringing.
No proper training.
Lack of... parental control.
I'm sorry for you.
A firm hand's what I need.
I respect you, Ed.
Then why tell me lies?
Ah, that's only your impression.
I've been dogged by bad luck.
You've had a hard life, I know that,
but that's no excuse for looseness.
I need guidance, Ed.
And you're just the man to give it.
You got to learn
to live a decent life sometime, boy.
I know. I blame the way you are
on emotional shock.
- You're confused, aren't you?
- Oh!
Emotionally unequipped to deal
with the complications of modern life.
- I shouldn't be surprised.
- Never went to church.
No, you've got it, Ed.
Know me better than I know myself.
Your youth pleads for leniency.
And, my God, I'm gonna give it.
You're as pure as a lamb. Purer.
- Ed, you're a pal.
- Am I?
Oh, one of my mates.
Is that a fact?
It's refreshing to hear you say it,
but do me a favour.
Avoid the birds in future.
She's as much to blame as you I grant.
I've no hesitation in saying that.
Then why conform
to the standards of the cowshed?
It's a thing you grow out of.
With me behind you, boy...
...you'll grow out of it.
Thanks, Eddie.
Oh, I knew there must
be some reasonable explanation
of your otherwise inexplicable conduct.
I think the time's come for us
to make a change.
- In what way, Ed?
- I'll need you on tap.
- Oh?
- At all hours.
In case I have to make a journey
to some distant place
at an unexpected
and inconvenient hour of the night.
In a manner of speaking it's urgent
and you shouldn't be left with her.
Crafty tart she is.
Now, go and get your bag packed.
The old man was the basic trouble.
I considered leaving
as a result of the way he carried on.
- Insults?
- Oh, shocking.
He deserves a good belting.
You may have something there.
I thought you might have had
an exaggerated respect for the elderly.
- Not me.
- I've got nothing against him.
But he's lived so long,
he's more like an old bird than a bloke.
(Tuts) How is it that such a father
had such a son?
(Tuts) Mystery-.
Have a word with him while
you're up there. I'll wait in the car.
I'm willing to forgive the past if he is.
- Appeal to his better nature?
- Huh?
Say you're upset.
Er, wag your finger perhaps.
I have the fullest confidence
in your ability.
(Door slams)
Er... Ed.
- Where's Ed?
- He ain't here. He's gone for a walk.
What have you been saying about me?
- Nothing, sonny.
- Told him she's up the stick, did ya?
Well, he's her brother. He ought to know.
What's it got to do with you?
You're a criminal, you are.
How are you gonna identify me?
I don't have to. They got fingerprints.
Really?
You killed my old boss.
- Who says I did?
- I do.
Your vision's faulty.
- You told Ed this?
- No.
That's quite sensible of you, Pop.
If I was you,
I'd keep very quiet about it.
Spreading stories. (Tuts)
That's all.
(Door closes)
You murdered him!
You bugger! You bugger!
(Groans)
Little bugger.
I'll get him.
(Mutters)
Bugger .
- I'm an orphan!
- Get away!
- Get away from me! Leave me alone!
- I trust you, Pop. Listen.
Keep quiet.
It's like this, you see.
One day I leave the home, stroll along.
Sky blue, fresh air.
They'd found me
a likeable permanent situation.
Canteen facilities. Fortnight's
paid holiday. Staff dance each year.
What more could one wish
to devote one's life to?
I certainly love that place.
The air round Twickenham was like wine.
Then one day I take a trip
to the old man's grave.
"Ashes to ashes. Alas, the fleeting."
The sun was declining.
A few press-ups on a tomb
belonging to a family name of Cavanagh.
And I left the graveyard.
I thumbs a lift from a geezer
who promises me a bed.
Gives me a bath and a meal.
Very friendly he was. All you could wish.
A photographer.
He showed me
one or two experimental studies.
An experience for the retina
and no mistake.
Hm.
He wanted to photo me.
For certain interesting features I had
that he wanted the exclusive right
of preserving.
You know how it is.
I didn't know how to refuse.
No harm in it I suppose.
Then I got to thinking.
I knew a kid once called McBride
that it happened to.
Ah, yes.
So when I gets to think about this,
I decided I gotta do something about it.
And I gets up
in the middle of the night...
...to look for the film, you see.
Well, he has a lot of expensive equipment
about in his studio, you see.
It appears he gets the wrong idea. Huh!
He rushes in. He gives a shout.
And the long and the short of it is
I loses my head,
which is a thing
I never ought to have done
what with the worry of them photos
an' all.
And, er...
Hm, I hit him.
I hit him.
Well, he must have had a weak heart.
Something like that. Definitely
should have seen his doctor before that.
Well, I wasn't to know, was I?
Not to blame.
He was healthy. Sound as a bell.
- Weak heart.
- Weak heart, my arse.
You murdered him.
- He fell.
- He was hit. From behind.
- I had no motive, Pop.
- The camera equipment!
Ah! I never touched it! It was never
touched. That proves it, Pop, don't it?
Liar! Lying little bugger!
- Hmm! You're finished, you are.
- Hm...
I didn't tell Ed
because the police are better.
You can't be trusted I see. Irresponsible!
- I'm going to the police.
- You're not threatening me, are you?
You make me desperate.
I've got nothing to lose, you see.
One more chance, Pop.
You gonna give me away?
I'm going to the police!
You bring this on yourself, you know.
(Dadda mumbles)
(Sloane) Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee...
That's it. Pick 'em up then.
That's it. Come on.
- (Gasps)
- There they are. Come on then.
- (Sobs)
- Here you are now. Mind your fingers.
Mind your fingers.
(Choir singing on radio)
I I will take thee to my ways
I That I sin not with my tongue
(Banging upstairs)
I will keep my mouth with a bridle
Ed! Ed!
You better come inside.
The Dadda's having an accident.
- What's that?
- Ooh!
What sort of an accident?
(indistinct choral music)
The old man, he had a fall.
(Kathy) Mr Sloane,
did you strike the Dadda?
- Yes.
- Oh. You admit it. That's honest.
- Provoke you, did he?
- In a way.
Oh, what a thing to do. Hit an old man.
It's not like you.
You're usually so gentle.
- He upset me.
- Did he say a bad word?
Don't expect you can tell me what it was
cos I'll blush.
- I hit him several times.
- Now you're exaggerating.
You're not that type of young man.
Don't do it again
cos Mama wouldn't like it.
Do you want a boiled egg?
Is he all right?
You and me have got
to have a little talk, lad.
- Well, I'll just pop him and see him.
- He's asleep.
Oh! Sleeping off the excitement, is he?
I'll tell you what, I'll take him in
a toffee if I can find one.
(Sloane whistles)
- How hard did you hit him?
- Not hard.
Don't know your own strength, boy.
Using him like a punch bag.
(Lighter clicks)
- I've told you.
- He's dead.
Dead? His heart?
It's murder, boy.
Some check will have
to be made on your excesses.
- Are you sure he's dead?
- As 40 Dodos.
I tried the usual methods of ascertaining.
No heartbeat.
No misting on my cigarette case.
The finest legal brains in the country
can't save you now.
Those pills were undermining
his constitution.
- They've got nothing to do with it!
- I did him a service.
- I'm gonna call the law.
- You can't ruin my life!
I'm impressionable!
- You're my friend.
- No friend of thugs.
Now think what the nick would do to me.
Say he fell downstairs.
You're completely without morals, boy.
I hadn't realised how depraved you were.
You go murdering my father.
Now you ask me to help you evade justice.
Is this where my liberal principles
have led me?
- I ain't got no principles!
- No principles!
Oh, you really have upset me now.
Why am I interested in your welfare?
Why do thinking men everywhere
show young boys the straight and narrow?
Flash cheque books
when delinquency is mentioned?
Support the scout movement?
Principles, boy! Bleeding principles!
I'm sorry, Eddie! Hmm.
I'm sorry.
- The one thing I wanted to give you...
- What?
My principles.
Oh, I'm disillusioned.
I feel I'm doing no good at all.
I'm very bad, Eddie.
Only you can help me on the road
to a useful existence.
If you were to make demands on me, Ed,
you'd have nothing to complain of.
Any demands?
You mean that?
Let me live with you.
I'd wear out my jeans in your service.
- Cook for you.
- I eat out.
- Bring your tea in bed.
- Only tarts drink tea in bed.
Well, you bring me tea in bed then.
Any arrangement you fancy.
(Kathy screams)
He's dead! He's dead!
Do you want the neighbours
to know all our business?
Poor Dadda!
How he must have suffered!
(Tuts, sighs)
- Will I have to send in his pension book?
- Yes!
Oh.
Come on, boy. Come and get your kit.
(Knocking on door)
Don't think I'll ever get into my black.
Put on weight since we buried Mama.
- When the doctor comes...
- Mm.
- ...what are you gonna tell him?
- The Dadda had an attack.
Passed away sudden.
What about the cuts on his face?
Well, he was rude to Mr Sloane.
Provoked him.
They'll get him for murder.
They'll put him away for life.
The Dadda was rude to Mr Sloane.
He said a rude word about me.
Look, you must say
he fell down the stairs.
- I couldn't, Ed.
- We have ourselves to think of.
I pay his wages.
That makes it a tricky situation.
Aiding and abetting.
Oh, wouldn't they make an exception
if we give him a good character?
He hasn't got a good character.
Look, er, do you ever polish the lino
on the landing?
Oh, no, Ed. I have to think of the Dadda.
(Ed) Hm...
Polish it.
Should I put the Dadda's new shoes on him?
Slippy, are they?
Only worn them once.
Good girl.
You may bring the Dadda downstairs now.
Downstairs?
Yes. Lay him out on the dining room table.
Mr Sloane will help you.
To me! To me!
That's it.
Easy now. Easy.
I've got the heavy end, remember.
Mind! Careful!
Mind you don't break any of him!
No! There! That's it!
Careful! Oh, dear!
Ed... That's right.
Oopsy daisy. Gently.
- He's a weight!
- (Kathy) Yes.
- Get your kit.
- She's got two of my shirts in the wash.
Never mind all that.
There we are. Hold that, Ed.
That's it.
That's lovely. Thank you, Ed.
There we are.
Handies.
Oh, doesn't he look marvellous?
He always was an elegant man.
(Ed) Sure.
Lucky we had these left over
from the fuse.
You may light them now, Eddie.
Oh, he'd have liked this.
That's it.
Makes one feel quite pious, doesn't it?
(Lighter clicks)
I was just saying, Mr Sloane,
the ritual of it all
makes you feel quite religious.
Where are you going with the suitcase?
Why does he need his suitcase?
He's coming to live with me.
Oh, no.
He wants to stay here.
- Ask him. Do you want to stay?
- No.
Got something to tell you, Ed.
I got a bun in the oven.
You got a whole bloody baker's shop
by the look of that!
It's all right. Mr Sloane has told me
how you seduced him.
The grisly details.
Oh, Mr Sloane, dear. How could you?
- Accusing me of seducing you?
- You bloody did!
Well, that's neither here nor there,
using expressions like that.
Making yourself cheap!
He was innocent
until you got your maulers onto him.
Wouldn't know where to put it.
- I attracted him instantly.
- You couldn't attract a blind man!
Look in the glass, lady.
Let's enjoy a laugh.
What do you see?
Hm?
Me.
What are you?
Well, my hair's nice.
Natural.
I'm mature, but I can
still command a certain appeal.
The crow's-feet under your eyes alone
would make you an object of terror!
Is that how you see me, Mr Sloane?
(Sloane) More or less.
(Sobs)
On with the waterworks.
I've lost you, Mr Sloane.
Lost you forever.
(Sighs) You'll have the baby.
I'll pop round.
Where you're going
I don't think that would be possible.
- What do you mean?
- I've never been subtle.
But if you go with Ed, I shall tell
the policeman about the Dadda.
Well, if I stay here, he'll do the same.
It's what's called a dilemma, boy.
You are on the horns of it.
You see how things are, Mr Sloane?
- (Yells)
- Now then...
No! (Sobs)
- Come here!
- No, no, no!
- Come back here!
- No!
He's not gonna have you!
(Sloane) You've got
to support me, you mare!
No violence at any cost!
What's this exhibition for?
This is gratuitous violence!
Give over! Both of you!
(Kathy) No!
- He's mad with you! Now go!
- No, no! No!
No! Don't!
- Mr Sloane, no!
- (Grunts)
(Plays organ)
(Sobs) No! Don't!
He... he needs me!
Needs you?
What's he running? A freak show?
Oh, Eddie, be nice!
Nice? One does one's best in this world.
- What thanks do you get?
- I can fix her!
(Kathy screams)
He'll kill me
like he killed the Dadda. Argh!
- Get off!
- My teeth!
My teeth! (Groans)
Expensive equipment
gone west now, you see?
I'm seriously annoyed with you, boy.
Giving us the benefit of your pauperism!
We need action, not discussion!
Cut her throat, but persuade her!
Don't use that tone of voice to me, boy!
I won't be dictated to!
I've had enough of this!
- (Sloane) Oh, don't go, Ed.
- Hm!
- Ed!
- Let him go, Mr Sloane.
- We don't need him.
- He's going to the police! Stupid bitch!
Ed! Ed!
Ed! Ed!
Ed! You can't leave me with her!
Stop the car! I wanna talk to ya.
- You wouldn't put me away, would ya?
- (Engine revs)
Why don't we talk it over, Ed?
Got to think of your friend!
(Engine revs, gate squeaks)
Give us a chance, Ed!
- You've had several!
- Just one more. I need you, Ed!
You can deal with her!
A little persuasion!
Your experience at the conference table
would settle this matter!
(Engine revs)
(Screams)
No!
Stand up!
We can't conduct a serious discussion
from that position.
He's broken them.
They're only chipped.
(Groans) Ed...
What... what are we going to do, Ed?
An arrangement to suit all tastes.
That's what's needed.
Now, what are your main requirements?
I don't care what happens
as long as I don't lose the baby.
I take it there's no question
of making an honest woman of you.
You don't demand the supreme sacrifice.
- I'm not marrying her!
- Calm down!
- You can't settle me with her for life!
- Oh, look. He's near to tears.
Isn't he sweet?
Yes, he's definitely attractive
in adversity.
I warned you against women, didn't I?
Sit down!
Now, the question is,
are you prepared to accept the idea
of a partnership?
Perhaps, er...
Perhaps, er... we could share him.
Oh, Ed.
- Pfft!
- (Ed) Sit down.
Now, fair is fair.
You've had him six months.
I'll have him the next six.
That means you'd have him in the winter,
just when I need somebody and...
How do I know
you'll give him back to me after?
We can draw up a binding contract.
Fair enough?
I'd only feel that marriage
was truly binding.
And, anyway, my little boy
needs a daddy to look up to.
- I'm not marrying her, I tell you!
- Shut up! You're speaking of a lady!
He's young. He doesn't understand.
Ooh, can he be present
at the birth of the child?
It deepens the relationship, you know,
if the father's there.
It's all any reasonable child can expect
if the dad is present at the conception.
- Let's hear no more of it.
- Oh, Eddie!
No, it's agreed. Six months each.
Turn and turn about.
That means,
er... I have him the first six months
and, er, you get him back
in time for your birthday.
And you can marry him
at the start of your next go.
It's got to be now!
You don't trust me? Your own brother?
Oh, Ed, of course I do.
How could you say such a wicked thing?
It's ever so clever of you
to have thought of such a lovely idea.
It's got to be now just in case.
It can't be. There'd be banns to be read.
Marriage licences to be applied for.
Oh, we don't have
to bother about that, Eddie.
- You could marry us.
- Me?
Yes. Captains on ships are allowed to.
I wasn't a captain.
I know, but you was in the Navy.
That's true.
Well...
Perhaps there is something
in what you say.
I've got the prayer book here.
It's all in there.
Easy, easy.
We shall have a conflagration
before you can say Jack Robinson.
- A bit of grease.
- You can't make me go through with this!
The police... 999 I think it is.
Here you are. I'll take my pinny off, Ed.
"The Litany.
Thanksgiving of Women after Childbirth.
"Baptism of Riper Years..."
Ah, here we are.
"Solemnisation of Matrimony."
So excited.
Stand up.
Er, it seems to go on and on.
- Skip the boring bits.
- All right.
("The Wedding March" plays on organ)
Straighten up, lad.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here,"
er cetera...
"To satisfy man's
carnal lusts or appetites,
"like brute beasts
that hath no understanding."
I can't remember that.
Well, it's all here in black and white.
Hm...
"Secondly, it was ordained
for a remedy against sin."
And to avoid fornication.
I don't like that at all.
All right then.
Here we are..
"Wilt thou have this woman
to thy wedded wife,
"to live together after God's ordinance
in the holy state of matrimony?
"Wilt thou love her,
comfort her, honour and keep her
"in sickness and in health
"and forsaking all others
keep thee only unto her,
"so long as ye both shall live?"
Say, "I will."
I bloody won't!
You bloody will.
Now, the same to you
and you say, "I will".
"Wilt thou have this man"
et cetera, et cetera, er cetera...
- I will.
- "As long as ye both shall live.
"I pronounce that they be
man and wife together." There.
(Kathy) Oh, Mr Sloane, isn't it lovely?
Oh, Mr Sloane!
I'm so happy!
Good, good. Well, we'd best
be getting along, Mr Sloane.
Back to Dulverton Mansions.
- Ed?
- Hm?
- Can I do it for you now?
- What? Do what?
- The binding contract.
- What are you on about?
Marry you to Mr Sloane.
Don't be more stupid that God intended.
- Oh, Ed, go on. Give him the benefit.
- Ah!
No, Eddie. It'll make me ever so happy
and it won't take long.
I'm not marrying a fella!
Apart from anything else it'll be bigamy!
Who asked your opinion?
All right, Kath, dear.
If it's going to make you happy,
we'll do it.
("The Wedding March" plays on organ)
Ready?
"Dearly beloved,
"we are gathered together here
"in the face of this congregation
"to join together this man and this... man
"in holy matrimony,
"which is an honourable estate.
"Wilt thou love him,
"comfort him, honour and keep him
"in sickness and in health
"and forsaking all others
keep thee only unto him
"as long as you both shall live."
Say, "I will."
I will.
Aw! Aw!
So we sweat and we strain
Entertaining Mr Sloane
(Organ music)