Entertainment (2015) Movie Script
How's everybody feeling?
Now, if you would like
to wander,
please feel free to do so,
um, but be very careful
for potholes and snakes
that may occur anywhere.
And any other areas,
like the fuselage areas,
please be careful, but by
all means go ahead and wander.
What's the difference,
what's the difference
between Courtney Love
and the American flag?
It would be wrong to urinate
on the American flag.
Ooh, yeah.
What do you get...
What do you get
when you cross Sir Elton John
with a saber tooth tiger?
I don't know, but you better
keep it away from your ass!
All right, so this is
a fun crowd.
We got some other gags here,
gang.
Why don't rapists...
Why don't rapists eat
at T.G.I. Friday's?
Well, it's hard
to go out and rape
when you have a stomach ache.
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
Can you answer for me, did this
used to be a Days Inn?
I really don't know. 'Cause I-
I was swearing
I was here, uh...
in 2005 or something,
and it was a Days Inn.
Hi, sweetheart. It's Daddy.
I'm in the desert,
and it's beautiful.
It's hot, but,
but it's beautiful.
And, um, today
I took a tour of an airplane
graveyard they have out here,
and they got every plane
you can think of:
737, 747, jumbo jets.
And you just walk
right into the planes.
And, um...
I, uh, I will talk
to you again soon.
Good night.
Why...
Why?
Why did Madonna feed her infant
baby Alpo brand dog food?
Well, she had no choice,
that's just what
came out of her breasts.
Eww.
Yeah...
Okay, so this is a fun crowd.
Why...
Why did E.T.,
the Extra Terrestrial,
love Reese's Pieces so much?
Well because they have
the same flavor that cum does
on his home planet.
Yeah, right.
Why...
Why did God
let John Denver die?
Because you suck.
Come on.
How we doin' for time?
Time's up.
It's a rhetorical question
weirdo, huh?
Speak your complaints into a
man's penis, not into thin air,
because I'll tell ya,
these hardworking imbeciles here
that paid their money
to come here
and forget their problems
for one night,
laugh their fool heads off,
and they didn't pay to listen
to you, huh,
and your garbage talk.
You're not
a professional comedian.
You're a professional loser,
huh?
You're a professional fatso!
What's your problem?
Jesus Christ, can't you
just sit there with a smile
splattered on your stupid face,
huh?
Laugh your fool head off,
but shut your fool mouth!
- Neil!
- Hey.
Cousin John.
- Hi, John.
- How ya doin'?
- Good.
- I made it out.
It was great.
Really great stuff. Funny.
Thanks for coming to the show.
Yeah, I was like, this'll...
this'll shock 'em.
Yep.
I don't know how you
remember all that stuff.
Yeah, it's a lot of stuff.
If it was me,
I'd just be: Uh...
Yeah.
That one guy,
he was out of line.
That was...
Yeah, they should...
They should have security or
something to take him out
because it just makes it hard
for me to do my job.
- Exactly.
- It makes it...
People are paying money
for me to do my job
and then he does that
and then it just...
It just ruins the night
for everyone.
- Yeah.
- You know, it's...
- Just doin' my job, you know.
- Right.
You're out there,
you're doin' your job.
Just trying to make
a nice night for people.
Yeah. You're the star,
he's in the audience.
You shut him up good thought.
Yeah. Well, he's just a drunk,
you know?
That's a lot... That's...
That's what we do in
this business really is sell...
We're selling alcohol,
you know.
That's why they will book me
in a place like this
is to sell more alcohol,
you know.
They should have a...
They should have security
and take him out,
but they don't have security,
then I have to be
the security...
and try to get them to leave,
you know?
Which shouldn't...
It's not part of my job,
but it's become part of my job,
so, you know.
It shouldn't be my job at all.
Right.
It is a customer service thing,
though, you know.
Like, these people are here,
they're payin',
if you weird us out too much...
I mean, I loved it,
I thought it was very funny,
it was great.
You're up there,
puttin' yourself out there,
but, I mean,
from a business point of view,
if you want my,
that's what I do,
I consult about business,
and for you, I'd say
a strategy would be consider
a little less of the weird
stuff, like "semen," that...
Some of the people were like,
"Whoa! Did he just say semen?"
But others liked it, so...
Yeah, I don't care. Like I said,
I thought it was great.
You're up there,
you're puttin' yourself out...
Yeah.
Yeah, if you wanna
appeal to, like,
all four quadrants, you know,
like all the different groups...
age groups...
- Mm-hmm.
- You know,
"semen" and all that
is a little bit much.
Hello, sweetheart. It's Daddy.
Just, uh, checking in.
Um, you're probably asleep.
It's pretty late, but I got out
of the club pretty late so...
But, um, yeah,
everything's going great.
So I just wanted to, uh...
to check in with you and, um...
I'll check in again.
And, uh...
Um...
Talk to ya later.
Welcome to
California oil country.
California started producing oil
in 1876.
We have produced about
28 and a half billion barrels
of oil since.
Visualize asphalt and
the oil is stuck
between the little grains
of sand and gravel, okay?
So, if you...
See we're not exactly
in the Garden of Eden here,
you know, but you've gotta go
where the oil is,
and Kern County, uh,
because of its, uh,
you know, archaeological past,
happens to have
70, uh, oil fields
just within an area near
the size of Massachusetts.
And, of course,
if this looks familiar to you,
it may be because in 1970
they filmed Five Easy Pieces
with Jack Nicholson and
Karen Black out in this area.
Now, I'm not much
of an impersonator,
but the classic, uh, line
is in the diner.
And I don't know if you remember
it or not, but he says,
"All right, let me make
this easy for ya, okay?"
I want an omelet, plain,
and a chicken salad sandwich
on wheat toast.
Now, no butter, no mayo,
no lettuce,
and a cup of coffee.
"Now, hold the chicken."
Oh!
Like that, what I just did?
Was it funny?
You like fuckin' clowns, huh?
Yeah, you like fuckin' clowns,
look at that hair.
Well, that was more
than I expected.
Oh, yeah?
Yep. Crowd was a little dry.
- But, uh...
- All right.
Sorry.
You're lucky.
All you got's glasses.
Why did Carrot Top,
legendary, legendary, legendary
Vegas comedian Carrot Top,
prop comedian Carrot Top,
legendary prop comedian
Carrot Top,
legendary Vegas prop comedian
Carrot Top...
Why did Carrot Top,
legendary Carrot Top,
refuse,
absolutely refuse
the pleading requests
of the topless Playboy playmate
who was naked in the jacuzzi
with him?
Because she was begging him
to shoot himself in the head.
I'm just trying
to earn a living.
Come on, people, these are...
These are great jokes.
We traveled a long distance
carrying these jokes
in order to bring them here
and thrust them
into your fool faces.
So sit there and paste a smile
on your face and have some fun.
That's what it's all about,
folks, having fun,
forgetting your problems.
And you have a lot of problems,
I can tell.
Forget 'em just for a few
moments and just laugh with me.
We're gonna have so much fun.
This is a great
group of friends here,
my new friends here tonight,
huh?
Okay, perfect. Thank you.
Thanks for coming to the show.
Great show, by the way.
You are really hilarious.
Thank you.
I don't know
how to tell you this.
That hotel room didn't work out,
but I did talk to my cousin,
Alejandro,
and he said he'd
be willing to take you in.
You talkin' to me?
You talkin' to me?
You talkin' to me?
- Robert De Niro!
- Yeah.
- Fly, you pelican, fly!
- Um, Scarface.
- Yeah, Scarface.
- Now, you go.
He wants you
to do an impression.
No.
Hi.
Hello?
They pulled gold out of here.
They pulled silver,
tungsten,
nickel,
copper.
Everything comes either directly
or indirectly from the soil,
as you can look around you,
there certainly is plenty of it.
Hi, sweetheart.
Uh, this is just really
difficult to get a hold of you.
I just had to call
and tell you...
Sweet dreams.
If nature was gonna grow
an orange, Neil,
she would just make it
just enough meat,
that's what we call this,
just to fertilize the seed
once it falls, but man,
we want all this sweet meat.
So we pump it full of
fertilizer and water.
- You want this?
- Nah, that's all right.
I can't eat these either.
Hey, did you, uh, see that guy
I was walking around here with?
No.
I was walking around
with a guy.
I got a couple places
in town do great burgers.
One of them is a bar
that serves burgers
and one's just a restaurant.
We need to get a beer.
The foothills off to the left,
you see they start there?
They start to the west and
they come across here?
That's my property,
butts right up against that,
the beginning of those hills
behind my house.
- You alive?
- Yeah.
You gotta talk right up against
the mic or I can't hear you.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
You all right? Watch the legs.
Cool, huh?
Here we go.
Pino Roja.
So if you sleep with Kenny G,
if you go to bed with Kenny G
and he gives you one of...
What was it?
And he gives you
one of his records...
Um...
Wait, no. Whatever.
If you sleep with Kenny G, uh,
and he gives you his record,
then, uh...
What is it? Tell her.
I don't wanna do it here.
All right, I remember. Um...
What's the worst thing that
just happened to you?
You're stuck
with a Kenny G record.
I can't do it.
Neil knows how to do it. I...
It's a little different but...
Are you gonna tell me?
I told him about the Kenny G.
Oh, okay. I just want...
You two guys start talking and
I don't know what you're sayin'.
The real shitty thing about it
was half the place was empty.
I mean, he's tellin' this
funny stuff, some of it weird,
you know,
but a lot of funny stuff,
and people weren't there,
you know? That was a shame.
There were
some people there, just...
No, it pissed me off!
I was standing there, like,
"What is this?"
Empty seats?
Who's bookin' this thing?
I don't know who picked
that place for you.
You know that place downtown,
The Alley?
- The Alley.
- Dirty. Filthy.
Anyway, you need a business plan
is what I'm sayin', you know?
That's just product
you're throwin' away.
If you see an empty seat
and you tell a joke
and there's no one in that seat
you're just throwin' that joke
away into that seat.
- Right.
- I wanna make sure
people know
before they get there,
and if they don't know
and it's still half empty,
I'm gonna give 'em a 2-for-1.
I'm gonna say
- bring a friend for free.
- Excuse me.
I gotta stick around here
all the time,
'cause if I leave this one here
in charge of stuff,
he starts making decisions
without me,
and then it's her and him
talkin' Spanish
and I can't understand what's
going on because, you know,
Mexican culture, the older guy,
he's supposed to be the
patriarch or whatever,
it's bullshit. It's my house.
I should be making
the decisions.
Okay.
I'll be right back.
Hmm?
This is all me.
Up to that first ridge,
it's all me.
- How's your son?
- My daughter?
Yeah, that's right.
Sorry, I knew that.
Um, yeah.
Yeah, she's really good.
She's doing great.
- What's her name again?
- Maria.
Maria,
like after Grandma Maria?
Nah, after Maria
from West Side Story.
Huh!
What's your game plan?
What's the career plan,
where do you, where do you,
where do you wanna be?
Where's this leadin' to?
I just wanna keep working,
but we've got, um...
I mean, where's the growth
potential?
I got this call, uh,
yesterday about this,
uh, this party,
this kind of private
engagement in Hollywood.
- Really?
- Yeah.
At the house of a pretty
well-known celebrity
and he's gonna have a lot of
his celebrity friends there.
- And I'm gonna perform.
- Who's gonna be there?
- Liza Minnelli.
- Liza Minnelli.
- She's Judy Garland's daughter.
- Yep.
Remember? The Wizard of Oz?
I used to...
We used to get that...
watch that movie
once a year on TV.
It would come on TV
and I would sing.
I'd sing that rainbow song.
Loved it.
What was that one
that used to make my mom cry?
Um...
All right, cuz.
Hey.
It's been great havin' ya here.
You can stay longer if ya want.
I mean, we've got these rooms.
It's just...
good to have you
back in my life.
Sorry it's been so long.
You're a good boy,
you try your best,
you do this weird show,
but it doesn't matter
because you're trying, you're
getting yourself out there
and you're trying to tell jokes
that make people happy,
that's what's important,
just keep doing it.
Go to bed, go to sleep,
turn off the lights.
Put one in each chamber,
so when you're ready to go,
just yell, "Pull."
Okay.
Pull!
Pull!
Okay. Pull!
Pull!
Pull.
The color blue.
And he found that it actually
enhances the growth of crops.
Blue.
The throat.
Yellow.
Stomach, liver...
ego.
Green. The heart...
nature.
Red.
Vitality...
energy.
Um...
- You all right?
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thank you.
What do you do?
Uh, I have this, this little...
This comedy show
that I travel around with.
If you don't have a seminar
or something tomorrow afternoon,
I have a show pretty close to
here that we're doing at 2:00.
They are gonna fuck it up,
we gotta get 'em outta here!
Bad news, bad news, buddy.
Hootin' and hollerin' and
laughin' and lovin' life.
Bad news, bad news.
You all right?
Yep.
My friends and I, uh,
we really enjoyed your show
and we wanted to know if, uh,
you wanted
to make some videos with us.
We do like an online, um, blog
and we were wondering if you,
you know, might be interested
in something like that.
Hi, sweetheart.
Um, it was a long, long day.
Do you believe in God?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Um, I just wanted to come by
and say thank you
for having me along.
It's been great.
Yeah, it's been fun.
Oh, did you get
a hotel room yet?
No.
I have two beds, you should just
stay with me, it'll be cheaper.
Um, all right, listen,
well I'll see you out there.
Good luck.
You too.
During his long,
legendary broadcasting career,
what was the number one question
most often asked by Larry King?
"Should I be concerned about
blood in my diarrhea?"
What was Elvis Presley's
worst ever release?
The ejaculation
containing Lisa Marie.
That's odd.
What's the worst thing,
the worst thing
about being gang raped
by Crosby, Stills and Nash?
No Young.
Oh, boy,
what else do we have here?
And what do you call
the creatures, the creatures...
Why don't you just go
without me?
Why don't you shut your mouth,
little lady?
We're trying to do a show here.
For real? Yeah, for real, huh?
Just shut up
so I can do the jokes
and we can all
get out of here, huh?
On the outside of the building
it didn't say
that we were in hell,
and then the few moments after
when the stink
from your syphilis breath,
it started wafting over all
the gentlemen and ladies
who have come out
for the show tonight,
excluding yourself, of course.
The minute that
the waft of stench, huh,
from the herpes and the syphilis
and the lice that you eat, huh,
the minute that started coming...
You little whore.
What makes you think
you can come here
and throw a drink at someone
who's traveled a great distance
to bring laughs
to this community, huh?
What the hell's wrong with you?
Mental... Mental illness, huh?
Mental... Oh, I guess you didn't
throw the drink, though.
She slipped and the drink fell.
She slipped on all the semen
gushing out of her ass
when she stood up, huh?
She slipped on that, huh?
Surprised you didn't
break your chin on the fall,
and then get the semen
into the infected cut.
But you have plenty
of infected cuts already.
The little whore's
having a tantrum.
She's having a tantrum.
Oh no, she heard a joke
she didn't like.
So now she's gonna cry
like a little baby
and throw her poo-poo around.
Get the hell out of here,
garbage woman, huh!
You little whore.
You little whore.
That took the wind
out of my sails, I'll tell ya.
Because that's
unacceptable behavior.
When someone travels
this great distance
to bring these jokes
for you people,
to bring some joy
into your lives,
and I'm literally
plucking jokes out of my heart
and thrusting them
into your fool faces.
And to have somebody do
something like that,
really stinks up the evening,
wouldn't you agree?
I'm a whore, huh?
I'm a whore, huh?
Fuck.
How does that feel?
You okay?
Can you help me
find my glasses?
They should change the name of
that place to The Sewer Club.
The sewer...
The Sewer Club.
No fuckin' security
for the artists.
You're just on your own.
Somebody stabs you in the eye,
fuck you.
You're on your own.
Why don't you take off
your fuckin' shoes?
Why don't they take some
of the money from the drinks
and use it to buy
some security guards
so that we're protected
from weirdoes.
You can't have a fucking
nightclub with no security.
You can't have people drinking
their fucking brains out
and then you're stuck there
in the firing line
of these cocksuckers
and meth freak-o drug assholes.
- Why don't you get some rest?
- Fuck that.
Fuck you.
Hi, sweetheart.
It's okay now.
Everybody's okay.
I miss you so much.
Hey, man.
Wait, wait. Sorry, sorry!
Uh, can I ask you a question?
Um, I'm sorry, I just...
I'm Tommy, what's your name?
Gene.
Gene? Uh, okay, Gene.
I'm really sorry,
I don't mean to make you
uncomfortable or anything.
My car broke down
and I didn't want
to drain the battery
and run the engine
and something's wrong with
the transmission, I think.
So I just came in here
because it's warmer in here.
Don't you think it is?
Can I come out and stay in your
car and hang out
until somebody gets here,
to stay warm?
It's better if you stay
in here. It's warmer here.
Safer.
In here?
Yeah.
Than in your car?
Yeah.
Okay, you think
it's safer here?
Okay.
Will you stay in here with me
and keep me company
until someone gets here?
Hi, sweetheart.
Remember this?
Remember this?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Hey, man, you saw...
You know that... You saw that...
You remember that video
I showed you with the, uh...
They're chasing the bike with
the red, uh, gas tank.
The guy falls off and breaks his
neck and dies, that guy?
He died? The cops were chasing-
- Yeah, he died.
- He died?
The guy who fell off died, yeah.
Broke his neck.
I want that red.
You want to die with
a broken neck?
No, I want the red,
I want the red, uh, gas tank.
You can have one piece of red
on your bike
and the cops won't notice.
You know what I'm talking about.
If you get a whole red bike,
the cops'll look at you.
They'll find you,
they'll see you easily.
They'll come after you.
You're gonna die.
You're gonna die
because of a red stripe
on your motorcycle.
You can decide on one
thing and I want the gas tank,
- I want yellow rims.
- Yellow rims.
Fuckin' bright, bright,
bright as the sun.
You're the only girl
I ever met with a beard.
Yellow rims.
Yeah. Yellow rims.
You gonna go around topless?
Yeah.
Hey.
Hey! Hey.
Marco!
Marco!
Marco!
Polo!
Marco.
Oh, I can't!
Help me, please.
You got kids?
You got any children?
I got a,
I got son here in this town.
Yeah. I just...
I rolled through today
and I hadn't seen him
in like ten years.
It's his birthday today.
I took him out,
played some miniature golf.
You're not gonna believe
what happened.
There we were, right, we were
just at the first hole
of this mini-golf course
right outside of town,
and, you know,
we're having a good time.
It's a little awkward,
I hadn't seen him in a while.
He looks up at me, he says
the fuckin' weirdest thing.
He says, uh, "Hey, hey, Dad?"
What... What does a woman's
vagina look like?"
Right? He says this to me.
I didn't know
what to fuckin' say, man,
I was like, uh, "I don't know."
I mean...
I said, "Well, before sex"
a woman's vagina looks like, uh,
"two rose petals with teardrops
of heaven glistening on it."
We played a couple more holes,
you know...
just trying to get to know
one another and he says, uh...
He brings it back up.
He said, um...
"Okay, what does a woman's
vagina look like after sex?"
I was like, uh, "After sex?"
It's like a... I don't know.
You ever seen
an extremely large bulldog
"eating out of
a vat of mayonnaise?"
So, he liked that.
He liked that.
But, um, if I could
just get real
with you guys for a second here,
just, uh, comedy aside.
Um, I'm not new to this area.
I have a ten-year-old son here
and today was his birthday.
I had the opportunity
to take him out
and play some miniature golf
with him today,
which was a lot of fun for me
and he enjoyed it too.
We were out at the, uh,
Cactus Course outside of town?
And, um, we were
at the first hole,
he, uh...
he looked up at me before he,
uh, made his first shot
and he asked,
"Dad, what does
a woman's vagina look like?"
And, uh, I said, "Well..."
Did you guys, um...
Did you guys hear the one,
the joke...
about the, um...
paparazzi with a heart of gold?
The paparazzi
with a heart of gold.
He stole it from Princess Diana
as she lay dying in her car.
Bam!
Bam!
We're not paying for that.
One or two?
- First one.
- Okay.
One or two?
Two.
I'll be back in just a minute.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Is anybody there?
Hi, sweetheart.
I'm in town.
Um...
I'm real busy,
but I'd love to see you.
I'm doing this show.
I'm doing this show
in the Hollywood Hills and...
it's a, a private residence.
It's a...
It's like a party,
a celebrity party,
and there'll be a lot
of, you know, singers and actors
and important folks
like that there,
so I think you'd
have a lot of fun
if you wanted
to come out and see me.
I miss you.
Sink!
Sink! Sink! Sink!
Sink! Sink!
Come on, you fuckin' bitches,
scream!
Scream like
you're getting fucked!
Come on!
Scream like
you're getting fucked!
- Come on!
- Hello?
All right, hey.
You okay? You all right?
Thanks, guys.
Can you help me?
Hold on, just stand up.
Just take a second.
Jesus!
Now, if you would like
to wander,
please feel free to do so,
um, but be very careful
for potholes and snakes
that may occur anywhere.
And any other areas,
like the fuselage areas,
please be careful, but by
all means go ahead and wander.
What's the difference,
what's the difference
between Courtney Love
and the American flag?
It would be wrong to urinate
on the American flag.
Ooh, yeah.
What do you get...
What do you get
when you cross Sir Elton John
with a saber tooth tiger?
I don't know, but you better
keep it away from your ass!
All right, so this is
a fun crowd.
We got some other gags here,
gang.
Why don't rapists...
Why don't rapists eat
at T.G.I. Friday's?
Well, it's hard
to go out and rape
when you have a stomach ache.
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
Can you answer for me, did this
used to be a Days Inn?
I really don't know. 'Cause I-
I was swearing
I was here, uh...
in 2005 or something,
and it was a Days Inn.
Hi, sweetheart. It's Daddy.
I'm in the desert,
and it's beautiful.
It's hot, but,
but it's beautiful.
And, um, today
I took a tour of an airplane
graveyard they have out here,
and they got every plane
you can think of:
737, 747, jumbo jets.
And you just walk
right into the planes.
And, um...
I, uh, I will talk
to you again soon.
Good night.
Why...
Why?
Why did Madonna feed her infant
baby Alpo brand dog food?
Well, she had no choice,
that's just what
came out of her breasts.
Eww.
Yeah...
Okay, so this is a fun crowd.
Why...
Why did E.T.,
the Extra Terrestrial,
love Reese's Pieces so much?
Well because they have
the same flavor that cum does
on his home planet.
Yeah, right.
Why...
Why did God
let John Denver die?
Because you suck.
Come on.
How we doin' for time?
Time's up.
It's a rhetorical question
weirdo, huh?
Speak your complaints into a
man's penis, not into thin air,
because I'll tell ya,
these hardworking imbeciles here
that paid their money
to come here
and forget their problems
for one night,
laugh their fool heads off,
and they didn't pay to listen
to you, huh,
and your garbage talk.
You're not
a professional comedian.
You're a professional loser,
huh?
You're a professional fatso!
What's your problem?
Jesus Christ, can't you
just sit there with a smile
splattered on your stupid face,
huh?
Laugh your fool head off,
but shut your fool mouth!
- Neil!
- Hey.
Cousin John.
- Hi, John.
- How ya doin'?
- Good.
- I made it out.
It was great.
Really great stuff. Funny.
Thanks for coming to the show.
Yeah, I was like, this'll...
this'll shock 'em.
Yep.
I don't know how you
remember all that stuff.
Yeah, it's a lot of stuff.
If it was me,
I'd just be: Uh...
Yeah.
That one guy,
he was out of line.
That was...
Yeah, they should...
They should have security or
something to take him out
because it just makes it hard
for me to do my job.
- Exactly.
- It makes it...
People are paying money
for me to do my job
and then he does that
and then it just...
It just ruins the night
for everyone.
- Yeah.
- You know, it's...
- Just doin' my job, you know.
- Right.
You're out there,
you're doin' your job.
Just trying to make
a nice night for people.
Yeah. You're the star,
he's in the audience.
You shut him up good thought.
Yeah. Well, he's just a drunk,
you know?
That's a lot... That's...
That's what we do in
this business really is sell...
We're selling alcohol,
you know.
That's why they will book me
in a place like this
is to sell more alcohol,
you know.
They should have a...
They should have security
and take him out,
but they don't have security,
then I have to be
the security...
and try to get them to leave,
you know?
Which shouldn't...
It's not part of my job,
but it's become part of my job,
so, you know.
It shouldn't be my job at all.
Right.
It is a customer service thing,
though, you know.
Like, these people are here,
they're payin',
if you weird us out too much...
I mean, I loved it,
I thought it was very funny,
it was great.
You're up there,
puttin' yourself out there,
but, I mean,
from a business point of view,
if you want my,
that's what I do,
I consult about business,
and for you, I'd say
a strategy would be consider
a little less of the weird
stuff, like "semen," that...
Some of the people were like,
"Whoa! Did he just say semen?"
But others liked it, so...
Yeah, I don't care. Like I said,
I thought it was great.
You're up there,
you're puttin' yourself out...
Yeah.
Yeah, if you wanna
appeal to, like,
all four quadrants, you know,
like all the different groups...
age groups...
- Mm-hmm.
- You know,
"semen" and all that
is a little bit much.
Hello, sweetheart. It's Daddy.
Just, uh, checking in.
Um, you're probably asleep.
It's pretty late, but I got out
of the club pretty late so...
But, um, yeah,
everything's going great.
So I just wanted to, uh...
to check in with you and, um...
I'll check in again.
And, uh...
Um...
Talk to ya later.
Welcome to
California oil country.
California started producing oil
in 1876.
We have produced about
28 and a half billion barrels
of oil since.
Visualize asphalt and
the oil is stuck
between the little grains
of sand and gravel, okay?
So, if you...
See we're not exactly
in the Garden of Eden here,
you know, but you've gotta go
where the oil is,
and Kern County, uh,
because of its, uh,
you know, archaeological past,
happens to have
70, uh, oil fields
just within an area near
the size of Massachusetts.
And, of course,
if this looks familiar to you,
it may be because in 1970
they filmed Five Easy Pieces
with Jack Nicholson and
Karen Black out in this area.
Now, I'm not much
of an impersonator,
but the classic, uh, line
is in the diner.
And I don't know if you remember
it or not, but he says,
"All right, let me make
this easy for ya, okay?"
I want an omelet, plain,
and a chicken salad sandwich
on wheat toast.
Now, no butter, no mayo,
no lettuce,
and a cup of coffee.
"Now, hold the chicken."
Oh!
Like that, what I just did?
Was it funny?
You like fuckin' clowns, huh?
Yeah, you like fuckin' clowns,
look at that hair.
Well, that was more
than I expected.
Oh, yeah?
Yep. Crowd was a little dry.
- But, uh...
- All right.
Sorry.
You're lucky.
All you got's glasses.
Why did Carrot Top,
legendary, legendary, legendary
Vegas comedian Carrot Top,
prop comedian Carrot Top,
legendary prop comedian
Carrot Top,
legendary Vegas prop comedian
Carrot Top...
Why did Carrot Top,
legendary Carrot Top,
refuse,
absolutely refuse
the pleading requests
of the topless Playboy playmate
who was naked in the jacuzzi
with him?
Because she was begging him
to shoot himself in the head.
I'm just trying
to earn a living.
Come on, people, these are...
These are great jokes.
We traveled a long distance
carrying these jokes
in order to bring them here
and thrust them
into your fool faces.
So sit there and paste a smile
on your face and have some fun.
That's what it's all about,
folks, having fun,
forgetting your problems.
And you have a lot of problems,
I can tell.
Forget 'em just for a few
moments and just laugh with me.
We're gonna have so much fun.
This is a great
group of friends here,
my new friends here tonight,
huh?
Okay, perfect. Thank you.
Thanks for coming to the show.
Great show, by the way.
You are really hilarious.
Thank you.
I don't know
how to tell you this.
That hotel room didn't work out,
but I did talk to my cousin,
Alejandro,
and he said he'd
be willing to take you in.
You talkin' to me?
You talkin' to me?
You talkin' to me?
- Robert De Niro!
- Yeah.
- Fly, you pelican, fly!
- Um, Scarface.
- Yeah, Scarface.
- Now, you go.
He wants you
to do an impression.
No.
Hi.
Hello?
They pulled gold out of here.
They pulled silver,
tungsten,
nickel,
copper.
Everything comes either directly
or indirectly from the soil,
as you can look around you,
there certainly is plenty of it.
Hi, sweetheart.
Uh, this is just really
difficult to get a hold of you.
I just had to call
and tell you...
Sweet dreams.
If nature was gonna grow
an orange, Neil,
she would just make it
just enough meat,
that's what we call this,
just to fertilize the seed
once it falls, but man,
we want all this sweet meat.
So we pump it full of
fertilizer and water.
- You want this?
- Nah, that's all right.
I can't eat these either.
Hey, did you, uh, see that guy
I was walking around here with?
No.
I was walking around
with a guy.
I got a couple places
in town do great burgers.
One of them is a bar
that serves burgers
and one's just a restaurant.
We need to get a beer.
The foothills off to the left,
you see they start there?
They start to the west and
they come across here?
That's my property,
butts right up against that,
the beginning of those hills
behind my house.
- You alive?
- Yeah.
You gotta talk right up against
the mic or I can't hear you.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
You all right? Watch the legs.
Cool, huh?
Here we go.
Pino Roja.
So if you sleep with Kenny G,
if you go to bed with Kenny G
and he gives you one of...
What was it?
And he gives you
one of his records...
Um...
Wait, no. Whatever.
If you sleep with Kenny G, uh,
and he gives you his record,
then, uh...
What is it? Tell her.
I don't wanna do it here.
All right, I remember. Um...
What's the worst thing that
just happened to you?
You're stuck
with a Kenny G record.
I can't do it.
Neil knows how to do it. I...
It's a little different but...
Are you gonna tell me?
I told him about the Kenny G.
Oh, okay. I just want...
You two guys start talking and
I don't know what you're sayin'.
The real shitty thing about it
was half the place was empty.
I mean, he's tellin' this
funny stuff, some of it weird,
you know,
but a lot of funny stuff,
and people weren't there,
you know? That was a shame.
There were
some people there, just...
No, it pissed me off!
I was standing there, like,
"What is this?"
Empty seats?
Who's bookin' this thing?
I don't know who picked
that place for you.
You know that place downtown,
The Alley?
- The Alley.
- Dirty. Filthy.
Anyway, you need a business plan
is what I'm sayin', you know?
That's just product
you're throwin' away.
If you see an empty seat
and you tell a joke
and there's no one in that seat
you're just throwin' that joke
away into that seat.
- Right.
- I wanna make sure
people know
before they get there,
and if they don't know
and it's still half empty,
I'm gonna give 'em a 2-for-1.
I'm gonna say
- bring a friend for free.
- Excuse me.
I gotta stick around here
all the time,
'cause if I leave this one here
in charge of stuff,
he starts making decisions
without me,
and then it's her and him
talkin' Spanish
and I can't understand what's
going on because, you know,
Mexican culture, the older guy,
he's supposed to be the
patriarch or whatever,
it's bullshit. It's my house.
I should be making
the decisions.
Okay.
I'll be right back.
Hmm?
This is all me.
Up to that first ridge,
it's all me.
- How's your son?
- My daughter?
Yeah, that's right.
Sorry, I knew that.
Um, yeah.
Yeah, she's really good.
She's doing great.
- What's her name again?
- Maria.
Maria,
like after Grandma Maria?
Nah, after Maria
from West Side Story.
Huh!
What's your game plan?
What's the career plan,
where do you, where do you,
where do you wanna be?
Where's this leadin' to?
I just wanna keep working,
but we've got, um...
I mean, where's the growth
potential?
I got this call, uh,
yesterday about this,
uh, this party,
this kind of private
engagement in Hollywood.
- Really?
- Yeah.
At the house of a pretty
well-known celebrity
and he's gonna have a lot of
his celebrity friends there.
- And I'm gonna perform.
- Who's gonna be there?
- Liza Minnelli.
- Liza Minnelli.
- She's Judy Garland's daughter.
- Yep.
Remember? The Wizard of Oz?
I used to...
We used to get that...
watch that movie
once a year on TV.
It would come on TV
and I would sing.
I'd sing that rainbow song.
Loved it.
What was that one
that used to make my mom cry?
Um...
All right, cuz.
Hey.
It's been great havin' ya here.
You can stay longer if ya want.
I mean, we've got these rooms.
It's just...
good to have you
back in my life.
Sorry it's been so long.
You're a good boy,
you try your best,
you do this weird show,
but it doesn't matter
because you're trying, you're
getting yourself out there
and you're trying to tell jokes
that make people happy,
that's what's important,
just keep doing it.
Go to bed, go to sleep,
turn off the lights.
Put one in each chamber,
so when you're ready to go,
just yell, "Pull."
Okay.
Pull!
Pull!
Okay. Pull!
Pull!
Pull.
The color blue.
And he found that it actually
enhances the growth of crops.
Blue.
The throat.
Yellow.
Stomach, liver...
ego.
Green. The heart...
nature.
Red.
Vitality...
energy.
Um...
- You all right?
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thank you.
What do you do?
Uh, I have this, this little...
This comedy show
that I travel around with.
If you don't have a seminar
or something tomorrow afternoon,
I have a show pretty close to
here that we're doing at 2:00.
They are gonna fuck it up,
we gotta get 'em outta here!
Bad news, bad news, buddy.
Hootin' and hollerin' and
laughin' and lovin' life.
Bad news, bad news.
You all right?
Yep.
My friends and I, uh,
we really enjoyed your show
and we wanted to know if, uh,
you wanted
to make some videos with us.
We do like an online, um, blog
and we were wondering if you,
you know, might be interested
in something like that.
Hi, sweetheart.
Um, it was a long, long day.
Do you believe in God?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Um, I just wanted to come by
and say thank you
for having me along.
It's been great.
Yeah, it's been fun.
Oh, did you get
a hotel room yet?
No.
I have two beds, you should just
stay with me, it'll be cheaper.
Um, all right, listen,
well I'll see you out there.
Good luck.
You too.
During his long,
legendary broadcasting career,
what was the number one question
most often asked by Larry King?
"Should I be concerned about
blood in my diarrhea?"
What was Elvis Presley's
worst ever release?
The ejaculation
containing Lisa Marie.
That's odd.
What's the worst thing,
the worst thing
about being gang raped
by Crosby, Stills and Nash?
No Young.
Oh, boy,
what else do we have here?
And what do you call
the creatures, the creatures...
Why don't you just go
without me?
Why don't you shut your mouth,
little lady?
We're trying to do a show here.
For real? Yeah, for real, huh?
Just shut up
so I can do the jokes
and we can all
get out of here, huh?
On the outside of the building
it didn't say
that we were in hell,
and then the few moments after
when the stink
from your syphilis breath,
it started wafting over all
the gentlemen and ladies
who have come out
for the show tonight,
excluding yourself, of course.
The minute that
the waft of stench, huh,
from the herpes and the syphilis
and the lice that you eat, huh,
the minute that started coming...
You little whore.
What makes you think
you can come here
and throw a drink at someone
who's traveled a great distance
to bring laughs
to this community, huh?
What the hell's wrong with you?
Mental... Mental illness, huh?
Mental... Oh, I guess you didn't
throw the drink, though.
She slipped and the drink fell.
She slipped on all the semen
gushing out of her ass
when she stood up, huh?
She slipped on that, huh?
Surprised you didn't
break your chin on the fall,
and then get the semen
into the infected cut.
But you have plenty
of infected cuts already.
The little whore's
having a tantrum.
She's having a tantrum.
Oh no, she heard a joke
she didn't like.
So now she's gonna cry
like a little baby
and throw her poo-poo around.
Get the hell out of here,
garbage woman, huh!
You little whore.
You little whore.
That took the wind
out of my sails, I'll tell ya.
Because that's
unacceptable behavior.
When someone travels
this great distance
to bring these jokes
for you people,
to bring some joy
into your lives,
and I'm literally
plucking jokes out of my heart
and thrusting them
into your fool faces.
And to have somebody do
something like that,
really stinks up the evening,
wouldn't you agree?
I'm a whore, huh?
I'm a whore, huh?
Fuck.
How does that feel?
You okay?
Can you help me
find my glasses?
They should change the name of
that place to The Sewer Club.
The sewer...
The Sewer Club.
No fuckin' security
for the artists.
You're just on your own.
Somebody stabs you in the eye,
fuck you.
You're on your own.
Why don't you take off
your fuckin' shoes?
Why don't they take some
of the money from the drinks
and use it to buy
some security guards
so that we're protected
from weirdoes.
You can't have a fucking
nightclub with no security.
You can't have people drinking
their fucking brains out
and then you're stuck there
in the firing line
of these cocksuckers
and meth freak-o drug assholes.
- Why don't you get some rest?
- Fuck that.
Fuck you.
Hi, sweetheart.
It's okay now.
Everybody's okay.
I miss you so much.
Hey, man.
Wait, wait. Sorry, sorry!
Uh, can I ask you a question?
Um, I'm sorry, I just...
I'm Tommy, what's your name?
Gene.
Gene? Uh, okay, Gene.
I'm really sorry,
I don't mean to make you
uncomfortable or anything.
My car broke down
and I didn't want
to drain the battery
and run the engine
and something's wrong with
the transmission, I think.
So I just came in here
because it's warmer in here.
Don't you think it is?
Can I come out and stay in your
car and hang out
until somebody gets here,
to stay warm?
It's better if you stay
in here. It's warmer here.
Safer.
In here?
Yeah.
Than in your car?
Yeah.
Okay, you think
it's safer here?
Okay.
Will you stay in here with me
and keep me company
until someone gets here?
Hi, sweetheart.
Remember this?
Remember this?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Hey, man, you saw...
You know that... You saw that...
You remember that video
I showed you with the, uh...
They're chasing the bike with
the red, uh, gas tank.
The guy falls off and breaks his
neck and dies, that guy?
He died? The cops were chasing-
- Yeah, he died.
- He died?
The guy who fell off died, yeah.
Broke his neck.
I want that red.
You want to die with
a broken neck?
No, I want the red,
I want the red, uh, gas tank.
You can have one piece of red
on your bike
and the cops won't notice.
You know what I'm talking about.
If you get a whole red bike,
the cops'll look at you.
They'll find you,
they'll see you easily.
They'll come after you.
You're gonna die.
You're gonna die
because of a red stripe
on your motorcycle.
You can decide on one
thing and I want the gas tank,
- I want yellow rims.
- Yellow rims.
Fuckin' bright, bright,
bright as the sun.
You're the only girl
I ever met with a beard.
Yellow rims.
Yeah. Yellow rims.
You gonna go around topless?
Yeah.
Hey.
Hey! Hey.
Marco!
Marco!
Marco!
Polo!
Marco.
Oh, I can't!
Help me, please.
You got kids?
You got any children?
I got a,
I got son here in this town.
Yeah. I just...
I rolled through today
and I hadn't seen him
in like ten years.
It's his birthday today.
I took him out,
played some miniature golf.
You're not gonna believe
what happened.
There we were, right, we were
just at the first hole
of this mini-golf course
right outside of town,
and, you know,
we're having a good time.
It's a little awkward,
I hadn't seen him in a while.
He looks up at me, he says
the fuckin' weirdest thing.
He says, uh, "Hey, hey, Dad?"
What... What does a woman's
vagina look like?"
Right? He says this to me.
I didn't know
what to fuckin' say, man,
I was like, uh, "I don't know."
I mean...
I said, "Well, before sex"
a woman's vagina looks like, uh,
"two rose petals with teardrops
of heaven glistening on it."
We played a couple more holes,
you know...
just trying to get to know
one another and he says, uh...
He brings it back up.
He said, um...
"Okay, what does a woman's
vagina look like after sex?"
I was like, uh, "After sex?"
It's like a... I don't know.
You ever seen
an extremely large bulldog
"eating out of
a vat of mayonnaise?"
So, he liked that.
He liked that.
But, um, if I could
just get real
with you guys for a second here,
just, uh, comedy aside.
Um, I'm not new to this area.
I have a ten-year-old son here
and today was his birthday.
I had the opportunity
to take him out
and play some miniature golf
with him today,
which was a lot of fun for me
and he enjoyed it too.
We were out at the, uh,
Cactus Course outside of town?
And, um, we were
at the first hole,
he, uh...
he looked up at me before he,
uh, made his first shot
and he asked,
"Dad, what does
a woman's vagina look like?"
And, uh, I said, "Well..."
Did you guys, um...
Did you guys hear the one,
the joke...
about the, um...
paparazzi with a heart of gold?
The paparazzi
with a heart of gold.
He stole it from Princess Diana
as she lay dying in her car.
Bam!
Bam!
We're not paying for that.
One or two?
- First one.
- Okay.
One or two?
Two.
I'll be back in just a minute.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Is anybody there?
Hi, sweetheart.
I'm in town.
Um...
I'm real busy,
but I'd love to see you.
I'm doing this show.
I'm doing this show
in the Hollywood Hills and...
it's a, a private residence.
It's a...
It's like a party,
a celebrity party,
and there'll be a lot
of, you know, singers and actors
and important folks
like that there,
so I think you'd
have a lot of fun
if you wanted
to come out and see me.
I miss you.
Sink!
Sink! Sink! Sink!
Sink! Sink!
Come on, you fuckin' bitches,
scream!
Scream like
you're getting fucked!
Come on!
Scream like
you're getting fucked!
- Come on!
- Hello?
All right, hey.
You okay? You all right?
Thanks, guys.
Can you help me?
Hold on, just stand up.
Just take a second.
Jesus!