F*** Marry Kill (2025) Movie Script

1
I was an up-and-comer
On a summer night
And in the midst
Of the crowd
I thought she looked right
I had a moment's reflection
That I tried to hide
But I was bitten by the
bug And I wasn't shy
So, I slid up between
her And I saw her face
And I was so close
That I was blown away
She had a dangerous side
That I was trying to fade
As I was locked in The
crystal shine Of her gaze
I let the night take
off Where it had to go
I wanted one thing now
And I know it showed
She had a big look down
[phone chiming]
Before she said "Let's go"
I heard a voice It
was soft and low
I want you In
my velvet dream
I wanna feel you kissing me
I want the depth
Of your desire
I want that high
That takes you higher
I want the place
You never knew
That's buried
Deep inside of you
[phone chiming]
I want you In
my velvet dream
I wanna feel you kissing me
I want the depth
Of your desire
I want that high
That takes you higher
When you let go Of
all that's true
Then I'm gonna break you
The twisted turning Of
a really hungry mind
Makes this kind of
hurting Seem almost divine
Anything worth
anything Has a price
And she's all too willing
It's in her eyes
So, I lift her
up Into a new sky
And she tells me
She feels like
She's gonna die
"It's okay," I say
"You're gonna leave behind"
"Everything before
Is your former life"
When you let go Of
all that's true
Then I'm gonna break you
Break you, gonna break you
Then I'm gonna break you
[reporters overlapping
chattering]
[reporter] ...stay at home.
It's dangerous out here.
This should serve as a cautionary
tale to everyone in the area.
[reporters overlapping
chattering]
[reporter 2] On Tuesday morning, a sixth
woman was found dead in her apartment.
[man] We need to find this guy and we aren't
leaving this neighborhood until we do.
[reporter] All the cases
do seem to be linked.
[reporter 2] The victim, a
24-year-old graduate student
at the University of Boulder.
[reporter 3] The killer
struck again last night.
[person] Please,
just murder me now.
[laughing]
No, seriously, put me
out of my misery. Ugh.
[all] Blow it out! Blow it out!
Okay, okay, okay, here we go.
[friends cheering]
- [woman] Come on!
- Whoo!
I love you guys. You
had way better 30ths.
Oh, what could be
better than this?
Yeah, we are here to celebrate
you the way you deserve.
There's literally nowhere
else I'd rather be.
- [Anthony] Come on, speech!
- [all] Speech! Speech!
All right, all right, if
you'll stop chanting, please.
Well, I thought that turning
30 this year, of all years,
was, um...
was gonna feel pretty shitty.
It's the year that Jake
unceremoniously dumped me
after eight very
mediocre years together.
The year I made
absolutely no progress
toward an actual career...
Mmm! Working for me is a career.
Or in my personal life.
But... now, here I am,
surrounded by all of you,
my best friends in
the entire world,
and I can see
that... [sighing]
I was absolutely right. This
completely fucking sucks.
[cheering]
- [Anthony] Let's get drunk!
- [Kelly] Whoo!
[slurred] I don't know
if I've told you lately,
but I love you so much.
- I love you.
- I just really love you.
And you know what?
I have a feeling
that you're gonna meet
your husband this year.
I just know that
you are. I know it!
And then, we're gonna have
babies at the same time.
And we're gonna... Look at me.
And we're gonna name
them after each other,
and we're gonna
breastfeed together,
and our nipples are gonna
get chafed together.
- Whoa!
- [Kelly] What?
- They're gonna get chafe-y.
- Okay, wow.
I can't believe I'm
about to say this,
but I think Bride of
Jagerbombs has a point.
Wait a second. You are the most
anti-marriage person I know.
But you know, maybe it's time
that you get back out there.
- Like, how long has it been? Eight months?
- Mmm, I don't know.
Yeah, like, in three
days.[Robin] Yeah. Right.
Get on the apps, get
Jake out of your head,
and get on some new dick,
baby.[Anthony] No! No, no!
I would not be going anywhere
near any apps right now.
Not with all this serial
killer shit happening.
Oh, my God, have you been
listening to Mark My Murder?
- Oh, my God, yes. It is so good.
- Yeah, I know.
I cannot wait for
the next episode.
That probably means
somebody dies.
- Is that too dark?
- Yeah.
- Completely, but I'm right there with you.
- No, but seriously, Robin,
all the victims so far have been
single women that lived alone,
and all went on dates
from apps, so...
I'm not going to sit at home for
the rest of my life on the off chance
that some dude from the Internet
- is going to murder me.
- Okay.
[Eva] You know what?
I'm just not ready yet.
And it's not because I'm
afraid of a serial killer.
It's more because I'm afraid
of having my heart stomped on
by an insecure narcissist
with a mustache.
- Again.
- [retching]
- Oh! Uh-oh.
- Not on me.
- [Eva] Swallow it. Swallow.
- [whimpering]
- Turn away!
- Someone take me potty!
Go, go!
Okay.
[retching][Eva] Oh, yeah.
- Attagirl.
- Oh, God.
- [Eva] Kel.
- Yeah?
Are you okay?
I mean, this is really
out of character for you.
It's fine.
- I'm going to be fine.
- Okay.
[retching] Oh!
All right.[groaning]
I really liked these shoes.
All right, come on.
[female podcaster] Hey,
Mark My Murder listeners.
We started this podcast two months ago,
when this whole murder spree started,
and there's still one thing all
the crime scenes have in common:
no sign of forced entry.
He didn't break in.
[male podcaster]
They let him in.
[female podcaster] I mean,
clearly, as we've said,
it's the date that's doing it.
[male podcaster]
It's gotta be.
Ladies, keep your friends close
and your Tinder dates in public
where there are witnesses.
[female podcaster] So, every
good serial killer needs a name.
- [male podcaster] Oh, yeah.
- [female podcaster] We did a bunch of brainstorming,
and we've landed on a name.[male podcaster]
And I must say, it's a pretty good name.
[female podcaster] Drumroll.
The Swipe Right Killer.
- [male podcaster] It's dark...
- [phone beeps, podcast stops]
[exhaling sharply]
Stupid mustache.
[barking in distance]
[thudding on door,
doorknob jiggling]
[door rattling]
[squeaking]
[squeaking]
[breathing heavily]
[lock clicking]
[squeaking]
[door creaking]
[straining]
Valerie?
[Valerie] Surprise!
Happy birthday!
What are you doing?
I could have killed you!
How did you know it was me?
You are the only person I know
who smells like baby vomit
and essential oils.
It is intoxicating, isn't it?
Well, I came to
give you your card,
but then I saw an opportunity
to teach you a lesson.
Of course.
A hide-a-key rock? Jesus, Eva!
What? I lose my keys a lot.
Do you always carry a
full face mask with you
or just when you're coming
to break into my house?
Well, no. I wear it on
the bus to deter muggers.
- Weird.
- Effective.
Speaking of crime deterrence...
[unzipping]
[scoffing]
"I hope your birthday
is Tricera-Tops."
It was the only one I had
lying around. Just look inside.
[sighing]
An appointment confirmation for an
"Armored Guardian Security" system?
Oh, absolute top-of-the-line.
You are welcome.
No. I do not need a security
system. That is ridiculous.
Look, it was different when
you were living with Jake,
but with this whole
Swipe Right Killer thing?
Wait, you listen
to Mark my Murder?
Yeah, of course I do.
I was basically a profiler
before I had kids.
Background screening analysis
for an insurance company
isn't exactly the same
as criminal profiling.
- But whatever.
- Or is it?
Look, I am not judging
you for living alone.
You have to be realistic about the
risks out there right now, Eva.
I mean, the world... Can...
is dangerous.
Okay, can you...
Stop, stop, stop.
Please stop cleaning
up, all right?
All of this is temporary, okay?
I just truly think that Jake needs
to go and pretend he likes yoga,
go down on a few baristas,
and then he is going to
realize what he threw away.
Oh, no. Okay.
- Stop right there.
- What? What?
I had a feeling this
is what was going on.
What do you mean
what's going on?
[Valerie sighing]
Who is this hot person?
Scroll.
Okay, why is Jake with her?
What is happening?
They're engaged? How? How?
It's been eight months.
How does this even happen?
This is... Who is she?
Another cop on his team.
Wait. "Team" isn't right.
Squad? What are
groups of cops called?
Bastards.
Well, let's not get political.
I am such an idiot.
I spent nearly a decade
with a total fucking loser,
and you are telling me it
only took him eight months
to commit his entire
life to somebody else?
Yeah, pretty much.
I mean, for the
last eight years,
I haven't done
anything I wanted to do.
Nothing.
You know I haven't traveled
because he was too afraid
to be on an airplane?
You know, I didn't buy a car
because he told me it was
too easy to die in one.
Did you know I didn't
go to nursing school
because he convinced me
that I'm afraid of blood?
Yeah, I know, it's insane.
Did you know I've never
even had a one-night stand?
I have never had
a one-night stand.
Well, probably because
the one one-night stand
I thought I was having turned
into three kids, a minivan
and a husband who has been
finishing the basement
for five years.
I am just glad that you
made better life decisions.
No, Valerie, I haven't
made any decisions.
For my entire 20s, I have
just let shit happen to me.
[sighing] Well...
[sighing] I'm not
in my 20s anymore.
[chuckling nervously] Eva, no.
Valerie, thank you.
- You have given me a gift.
- What?
Thank you so much for
my security system.
Really thoughtful of you.
But I am pushing you
out now.[door opening]
- I will talk to you soon.
- Don't do anything crazy...
And I love you!
[knocking]
We're gonna make a profile
We're gonna make a profile
I know. Hurry, come in,
before I change my mind.
- Okay.
- I got you, boo.
Oh, we'll have
our cake And eat it
All right.
Now, we just need
to take some pics.
Oh, yes, okay.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa! Of your face.
Of your face. Yeah, like...
Okay, well, I don't know what
people are doing these days.
- Well, they're smiling.
- Okay.
- Since, like, 1930.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [camera shutter clicking]
Just go a little higher, maybe.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
[camera shutter clicking]
- Good.
- Can I see? Can I see?
- [Robin] Yeah.
- Are you... No.
I look maniacal.
Please delete that.
- Maniacal is hot.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Okay, well, keep it then.
And now, we just need
to write you a bio.
Oh, God. Okay.
It's chill. It's just like some cute,
little, low-key details about yourself.
Like, what is your darkest,
most intimate sexual fantasy?
Mmm. No, I can't
disclose that so early on.
- Eva!
- What?
This is a magical sex rectangle.
You can get anything you want.
- Hmm.
- In here.
Like, uh, do you want
to go to a BDSM club
with a dom who dresses like
a party clown on weekends?
- Not really.
- Or get foot pics from a CPA who wears adult diapers?
No, that doesn't
really sound like me.
Or... Oh.
- Do you want to get double penetrated...
- Ow.
By two roommates who tell everybody
that they're stepbrothers?
Well, that all seems
extremely specific.
All right. Uh, done.
Mmm...
- Ready?
- I don't know.
- I don't know. I don't know.
- Hey. We don't have to do this tonight.
No, I know. I know.
Uh... No. Yes, we do.
- Yeah?
- Yes, we do.
I do not want to waste
another ten years. Okay?
I want to feel like I am calling
the shots of my own life.
So, yes! Press it! Upload
it! I'm ready for this!
[grunting] Yes!
Let's get you that feeling.
Wait, wait-wait-wait,
wait-wait, wait-wait.
Aren't I supposed
to be doing this?
No, this is just
like a secret trick,
where you swipe
right on everybody,
and then you sort through
the piles of messages.
Oh, that is a good trick.
But can you slow down?
That looks like - a lot of swiping.
- Shut up...
[phone chiming, vibrating]...and
enjoy the sex rectangle.
[phone chiming,
vibrating] Sex tangle?
Oh, why didn't I think of that?
- Good.
- Very good!
[phone chiming, vibrating]
Oh...
This is a lot of
dudes. Here we go.
Oh, my God, you're beautiful.
Huh. "Thank you."
I have a huge boner
just looking at you.
[buzzer] Uh-uh.
Eva, great to meet you.
What's your credit score?
[buzzer]
Hmm.
Did you know there are 13
million kangaroos in Australia?
"No."
Wait. Did we go to
middle school together?
Kyle C.?
Eva V.?
Looking for a daddy?
[buzzer] Oh! Wait.
Kyle? Kyle? Where did you go?
What? No!
Profile deleted?
You were just there.
On your knees?[buzzer]
It's not an MLM.[buzzer]
I'd love to show
you my penis.[buzzer]
Ah!
[snorting]
[sighing]
[phone chiming]
[sighing]
"Your place... or mine?"
[female podcaster] All right, a few
more clues about the Swipe Right Killer.
[male podcaster] So, cops
are saying he might have,
like, a background or a
specialty in forensic science
because dude is leaving
behind zero evidence.
[female podcaster] But
what does that even mean?
[male podcaster] I
mean there's no hair,
no fingerprints,
no blood, no semen.
[female podcaster]
Okay, all right. Wow.
Here's the other weird thing.
He also appears to
enjoy a nice ros.
- [male podcaster] Oh...
- [female podcaster] Yeah.
Empty bottles have been found
inside each victim's home.
[male podcaster] Oh, man, do you think
he's bringing the wine or is it theirs?
[female podcaster] Oh, he's got
it from my mom's car, for sure.
- Lady loves wine.
- [clattering]
They haven't found any
glasses at the scene,
so it's not like they're pouring wine
and then sipping it. So, I don't know.
Does he drink it right
out of the bottle
and then wipe it down
while he looks at the body?
[male podcaster] Ugh,
that is some twisted shit.
The whole thing is nasty.
Could you imagine being on a date,
just trying to have fun with some dude,
having wine
together, and then...
[smashing][gasping]
[squeaking]
[sighing]
Okay. Where is this place?
Okay. You got this.
Mitch.
Oh.
What? I don't look
like my photos?
No. Yeah. Yes,
you definitely do.
I just thought that we
were meeting at your place.
Well, it just so
happens that we are.
I just bought it.
That's a very good line.
[bottles clinking]
So, based on my expertise,
it seems that you
have a long love line.
- Mmm. Wait.
- If you look over here...
Do you not have fingerprints?
Oh, yeah. Um,
kitchen accidents.
You know, you get
burnt all the time.
Oh. [chuckling] Cost
of doing business.
That makes sense.
So, if you take a look
at your love line,
which seems to run nicely
into your sex line.
Okay, my sex line?
All right, I'm
starting to think that
this might all be a
little bullshitty.
No, I... I believe this.
Oh. Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I'm just fucking with you.
Oh. [chuckling nervously]
- But does it really matter?
- No. No.
[Valerie] No!
I am so sorry. Excuse me.
Yeah, just one second.
Hey, Valerie.
That is my hat that
I've been looking for.
And what are you doing here?
I have totally been
wanting to try this place.
Valerie.
Okay, I might have put a
tracking app on your phone.
Again? You promised me
last time... Whatever.
You were acting so weird last
night that I just had this gut...
No. You need to
stop right now.
This is the line and you
have catapulted over it.
Well, don't you think
that having no fingerprints
is a huge freaking red flag?
Do you have supersonic hearing?
Statistically speaking, the
chances are infinitely low
that any guy I ever
meet on this planet
will be a serial killer.
Really? And where did
you read that statistic?
I read that on the Internet.
Wikipedia, actually.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Is everything okay over here?
- Uh, yeah.
Eva, do you know this woman?
[scoffing] This woman?
I'm her sister, and
I am a young woman.
Oh, nice to meet you.
Uh-uh. I'm leaving. Stop.
- Oh.
- Yeah, and I want you to come home with me.
- No!
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Strange man who I just met
on a random dating app,
who I've only
known for one hour,
would you like to
come home with me?
- You are not...
- Yes. Yes, I am.
- Mitch, come on, bud, let's go.
- I have to close the bar.
You really killed my momentum.
Can't somebody else do that?
- Absolutely, yes.
- Great.
And, Valerie,
do not ever, ever, ever
pull this shit again.
I am serious.
- Stop it.
- You stop it!
Go home!
You go home!
- Not with him!
- Take care! Your drink's on the house.
Oh! Oh! Sorry![clanging]
You okay? It's
okay. I don't care.
That was amazing!
- You lasted so long!
- Ten minutes?
Yeah, and I felt like a
lot of the focus was on me,
which was new. It was nice.
Good.[sighing contentedly]
And that thing you
were doing at the end?
I've never had
that happen before.
[sighing contentedly]
Am I allowed to
ask you to leave?
I just don't feel like I'm
ready for a sleepover yet.
I snore a little.
I sweat a lot.
Have you ever heard of night terrors?
Because it's pretty scary if you're...
You know what? Um, I
get it. It's all good.
Okay.
You should call me sometime.
Seriously.
I'd love to see you again.
Maybe I will.
Okay.
I'll take it.
Hey, do you want me to
call you a car or...
- Nope, I'm good.
- Is that what people say?
Okay, bye.
[door closing][muffled
exclaiming]
[phone chiming]
Well, you were wrong.
I'm still alive. Ha!
[phone chiming]
Huh.[phone chiming]
Kyle C. is back.
[phone chiming]
[Valerie, echoing] You've
got to be realistic
about the risks out
there right now, Eva.
I mean, the world is dangerous.
[doorbell ringing] Ah!
[gasping]
[knocking] Shit. Coming!
[doorbell ringing]
[exhaling sharply]
[doorbell ringing]
Hi. Come in.
Hi. I'm Norman from
Armored Guardian Security,
here for your evaluation.
Please, come all the way in.
As you can see, I've...
I've recently upgraded
my security system.
Yeah, we're gonna do a
little better than that.
Yeah.
My place doesn't
normally look like this.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
I'm going through a...
transformational phase.
No judgment. You do you.
Oh, that's a cool ant farm.
Oh, they're actually all dead.
Oh, that's sad.
But I'm planning
on getting more.
I found a ant breeder
on Craigslist.
I just emailed her, so I
should hear back from her soon.
Oh. That's not weird at all.
So, you must be
getting a lot of calls these
days for installations.
You know, with all the
murders in the news.
Oh, yeah, totally.
It's bad for the world,
but awesome for business.
I wish I could get a look at
those crime scenes, though.
Oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm... I'm doing night
classes in forensics.
- Oh.
- I'm looking to eventually solve crimes,
not just gently discourage them.
Like a detective?
A medical examiner, - actually.
- Nice.
Good for you.
So, do you want to do this?
What are we doing?
The security walk-through?
Yes. Of course. [chuckling]
[camera shutter clicking]
Hi!
Here, got you a soda.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
- Oh. It's good.
- What are you doing?
Oh, just measuring the
windows and, you know,
getting everything just
the way we want it.
- Great. I'll be in here.
- Okay.
They just found a species
of all-female ants
that actually reproduce
by cloning themselves.
I mean, that's - just amazing to me.
- Wow.
Who needs men?
- I do.
- Oh, thank God.
I mean for all men.
I mean... Yeah.
Anyway, um...
I'll send the estimate
to your sister,
and assuming all looks
good, how's Thursday?
- Perfect.
- Amazing.
Love Thursdays.
All right. Okay.
Um, yeah.
At the risk of losing my job
for blatant unprofessionalism,
um, maybe we could do something
after the installation?
Like a date?
Yeah. Like a date.
Yeah, I will. I do.
I mean, I'm sorry, I
don't even know what I...
- It's a yes?
- Yes, it's a yes.
Yeah, amazing.
All right, so, uh...
So, I'll, uh... I'll
see you Thursday.
- Yes.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Lock the door behind you.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- See ya.
Yes!
Still got it.
[podcast theme music playing]
[female podcaster] There's one
thing I keep coming back to.
It's been bugging me
from the beginning.
- The first victim, Kayla Gardner, strangled!
- [male podcaster] Right!
[female podcaster] Right. But
they don't really talk about it.
Like, everybody since
then has been stabbed.
[male podcaster] Yeah, is it
just like any other fetish
and you gotta keep
escalating things?
You start with strangling,
next up is stabbing, and
then what comes after that?
[female podcaster] Let
me pitch you something.
[male podcaster]
All right, hit me.
[female podcaster]
What if she wasn't
actually one of the
victims?[male podcaster] Ooh!
[female podcaster] Yes! What
if the ros in the house
was a coincidence
and it's a fluke?
[male podcaster] Oh,
coincidental ros.
Have we been looking
at this all wrong?
What?
Okay, I mean, are
these people engaged?
Are they mother and
son? I'm so confused.
[Kelly] So, how was
your date with Mitch?
- Is he...
- Hot? Oh, my God.
Yeah, it's, like,
mind-numbing. You have...
[Kelly] No. No, is
he marriage material?
I don't know. I
just met the guy.
[Eva] Whoa.
Oh, my God. Okay. Wow.
So, this is the special
portrait that you want for Brad.
All right, I was half expecting
tasteful nudes, but okay.
No, sometimes I
like to put it on
just to remember how
amazing that day was.
And this way, he'll
remember it too.
Yeah. I mean, you do have,
like, 20 wedding albums.
- Just take the picture.
- Okay.
You've actually never
let me touch this before,
but it's kind of
exciting. So, let's do it.
What could go wrong?
So, how about Mitch?
Oh, my God. He's
crazy good in bed.
[gasping]
- No, Eva, you didn't.
- What? Kelly.
Men don't marry
one-night stands.
That is so outdated,
and it's also not true
because Valerie, she
married her one-night stand.
Well, okay, don't even
get me started on that.
There's a reason there's no
maternity section in bridal stores.
Well, speaking of Valerie, she gave
me a security system, which, I know,
it's the most
Valerie thing ever.
But the guy who came over
to do the walk-through,
- I mean, he's really cute.
- Oh...
- What?
- No, the BTK Killer installed alarms.
Oh, this is so random,
but do you remember
Kyle Callaghan
from middle school?
Yeah, the guy, he was... He
would always pick his nose.
Okay, well, we matched
online on my birthday.
And get this, he just moved his
vet practice here to Boulder
after six years in France.
And he's a widower.
Sad, but at least we
know he's single.
Exactly. And we
have a date tonight.
Oh, my God, Eva.
This is your guy.
I have a good feeling
about this.[Eva] Kelly.
This is the "you and Kyle and me and Brad
sharing a retirement lake house" guy.
- Take a breath.
- Okay. But just promise me
you'll give him a
fair shot, please?
I am going into this
totally open-minded.
Okay, but your mind is
all that should be open.
Nothing... Nothing else.
- Okay.
- Three dates. No sex. Okay?
- Promise me.
- Fine.
Three dates. No
sex. That's easy.
No hand jobs. No blow jobs.
No... No jobbing of any kind.
- Okay?
- Yeah, Kelly, I hear you.
Let's see the pictures.
Yes! I killed this.
- Oh.
- Oh...
Maybe Brad will like that one.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[Italian instrumental
music playing]
Hi.
Are you Sheryl?
You look nothing like your...
No. I'm Sheryl.
Oh, wow. You look even
better than your pictures.
Why, thank you.[man] Shall we?
Yeah.
So happy I could help
you two find each other.
[Kyle] Eva?
- Kyle!
- Eva Beava! Oh, my goodness!
Hi! I... Oh. I...
Come on, get in here.
I don't really think anyone
ever called me that, but...
- I did.
- Why?
I mean, wow, you look
so much different
than how I remember you.
Well, hopefully
that's a good thing.
- Oh, yes.
- You too. You look so good.
Thank you. Yeah.
I mean, what's it been,
like, 525,600 minutes? Huh?
- Uh, yeah.
- Something like that, I think. - Right?
We were in Rent together, in
high school, you silly goose.
- Right.
- Come on.
Ow. Uh, yeah. No, I
remember. I remember.
- Yeah. - I had the braces and stuff.
- Yeah. Yeah, you did.
Yeah, no, it sucked.
But now, I've got
some hair on my chest.
- Congratulations.
- Yeah.
Hopefully that's a good thing.
Honestly, I could go either way.
All right, I'll
take my chances.
Oh... That is, uh...
You could probably,
like, braid that
if you wanted to. Just...
Sorry.
Probably could, but
it's a little weird.
Um, do you wanna
go to the table?
- Yeah, I would.
- Yeah.
You're a veterinarian now.
- Yeah.
- That's cool.
- Uh, do you love it?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Animals are just so
compliant, you know?
- Really?
- You just give them a little anesthesia,
and they'll do - whatever you want.
- Oh.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
That's vet humor.
Ah. [chuckling nervously]
But yes, I love
being a veterinarian.
I believe every pet
deserves the best care.
- Aw.
- Buongiorno.
Can I start you off with
some drinks tonight?
First off, I believe it's
pronounced "bonjour."
[chuckling] But, um,
what do you think?
We'll just split
a bottle of ros?
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Yes. That... That
sounds great.
One bottle of ros. Thank you.
[clearing throat]
So, you... Do you
like ros or...
Yeah. [chuckling]
Ah.
This whole online dating
scene, it's just...
it's a hell pit.
Ah. Yeah, it's...
Hence why I deleted my profile.
- Mmm.
- Yeah.
I actually only reactivated it
so that I could,
uh, message you.
Really?
- Yeah, really.
- Oh.
But I'm back off the
apps now, and I just...
I don't know, thought I'd
see how this works out.
And?
Oh, well, so far, I think
it's going pretty great.
- [slamming]
- Bonjour.
Merci.
She got it right.
I love helping people.
[Eva chuckling]
Mmm. Oh, yeah. Oh,
you got a little...
- Oh.
- Just...
Oh, that's... There we go.
- Grazie.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Oh, wow, she is all over the place...
Yeah... with the
languages tonight.
Do you want to... We can
split... Yeah, no, no.
Don't you worry.
I'm a veterinarian,
for God's sakes. We
make tons of money.
[chuckling] And,
uh, actually...
- Whoa. Wow, impressive.
- Right?
Yeah, I'm actually an amateur
illusionist in my spare time.
- [chuckling] Wait, really?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Well on my way to becoming pro.
Anyways, look, enough about me.
I've had a really
good time tonight,
and, um, I'd love to do this
again sometime, if you'd like.
Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Me too.
Unless, of course, you wanted to
continue the night
back at my place.
[Kelly, echoing] Three
dates, no sex. Promise me.
- Uh, no, no.
- I'm sorry, not tonight. - Oh.
I just... I just
really feel like
we should probably
take things slowly.
Yeah, for sure,
slow. I love it slow.
Cool. Um...
Well, thank you so
much again for dinner.
Yeah, do you wanna...
I can take care of
this, if you wanna...
- This was so fun.
- Oh, you're gonna go now.
- High chairs.
- I know, right?
- Oh. Thank you.
- Uh, well...
Just gonna check one more time,
are you sure you don't
wanna come back to my place?
It's pretty nice.
One hundred percent.
[muffled] Oh, my God.
[breathing heavily]
[phone chiming, vibrating]
Nope, don't worry about it.
I'm kind of
surprised you called.
Why?[phone chiming, vibrating]
I don't know.
I thought it was gonna
be a one-and-done thing.
How dare you, Mitch?[phone
chiming, vibrating]
Okay, I'm sorry, just,
um...[phone chiming, vibrating]
- Just one second.
- Yeah.
[phone chiming, vibrating]
[sighing]
[Valerie] Eva? Hi.
Finally!
This better be an
actual emergency
because I am right in
the middle of something.
[Valerie] It's the
Swipe Right Killer.
They just found a fingerprint
at one of the crime scenes,
and it's unidentifiable,
likely scarred over.
Sound familiar? Yeah, because I
fucking knew that guy was shady.
Okay. Yeah. Weird coincidence.
But Swipe Right also drinks ros
and has an interest in
crime scene forensics,
and none of those
things apply to Mitch.
No, I'm just joking.
I'm doing night
classes in forensics.
Do you not have fingerprints?
Eva, are you there?
[girl] Mom, I want a Popsicle!
I told you, Mommy is busy!
[sighing] I can't keep doing this
whole thing with you, Valerie.
Okay, look, I know that you
think that I'm being paranoid
or overreacting,
but I just feel like
I don't know what's going on
with you anymore, which sucks.
Can we just make a deal?
I will loop you in on
what's going on with me,
and you promise me,
like, on your favorite
child promise me,
that there will be no
invasive spy shit of any kind.
[Valerie] I promise on Jonah.
That includes
sneaking tracking apps
onto my phone, okay?
Okay. Fine. I promise.
[sighing] Okay.
Great.
Why don't you come out to the
bar with us tomorrow night?
With your friends?
Yeah.
Craig! You better cancel
your pickleball plans
because it's Mommy's night out!
Hey, quick question.
Um, growing up, did anybody
ever call me Eva Beava?
[Valerie] Beava with a "B"?
Yes, with a "B." What... No.
Okay, that's what
I thought. Bye.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You coming back?
Yeah. [chuckling]
[sizzling][menacing
music swells]
[music fades][sizzling]
Oh, ho-ho! Yes! Fajitas!
- [clattering]
- Oh, my God!
You guys, we go hard.
Kelly, I need your phone. I
need to take some selfies.
[Eva] You just... Okay.
Whoo! MILF alert!
- Can you get her to calm down, please?
- Uh-uh.
There's no stopping
this now, trust me.
I'm gonna have to
send these to myself.
So, Eva, you have a particular
glow about you this evening.
Yeah, I know.
It's from the sex.
Yes, girl.
But is it from the
sex with Mitch?
Or from the sex with Norman?
Uh, who is Norman?
Oh, Eva's crush from
the security company.
What?
Okay, I'm... I am
cool. I'm very cool.
And it's actually kind
of your fault, but no,
I am seeing Norman on Thursday.
- This glow, this is all Mitch.
- Oh, yeah.
I thought you were
with Kyle last night.
Yeah, I was, but
Mitch came over after.
I just feel like you're
kinda not really giving Kyle
a fair shot, if you're
still sleeping with Mitch.
No, no, no. I'm
not ruling Kyle out.
I'm just saying he
doesn't really strike me
as the
throw-me-up-against-the-wall type,
and let me tell you,
that is exactly what is
getting me going these days.
[Anthony] Hear, hear, sister.
Okay, but sometimes,
people can surprise you.
When I first met Brad,
he was super vanilla.
And then, on our honeymoon,
we realized that baby
likes to be spanked.
- [Eva] Baby?
- Okay. Ew.
- What?
- Wait, who is spanking who?
Oh, you guys talk about having
sex with randos all day long
and I mention making
love to my husband...
- "Making love"? Kelly, stop!
- Making love!
We're married.
It's making love.
- Who does that anymore?
- [Robin] I was eating here.
Okay, all I'm saying is that
Kyle is the one you should
be giving a real shot.
You know, like, he
is marriage material.
And Mitch is fuck material.
[gasping] Wait.
Does that make
Norman kill material?
Oh, my God, you're in
a Fuck, Marry, Kill!
Hey, hey, hey, everybody! She's
in a Fuck, Marry, Kill right now.
It's true, I am. Wow. This is
actually the most exciting thing
that's ever happened to
me. Okay, let me think.
Um, okay, if that's the
case, I'm gonna kill Kyle...
- Uh-uh!
- I'm gonna fuck Norman.
- And I'm gonna marry Mitch.
- No, no.
You have to kill Norman
before he kills you.
His goal in life is to
play with dead bodies.
He's not gonna play with
dead bodies, you perv.
- You don't know that.
- Am I missing something here?
Oh, has she not told you about
his passion for forensics?
- It's a great job.
- [scoffing] Okay, okay, wait. Wild pitch.
Okay.[Anthony] You fuck the vet.
You kill Mitch.
Who doesn't have
fingerprints, by the way.
Exactly. And you definitely
marry Mr. Security.
Smart. I like
that.[Anthony] Yeah.
- [Eva] Cheers.
- Oh, my God.
- [Eva] What?
- There's been another murder.
- [Valerie] What? Oh, my God.
- No.
Are you serious? Where?
Oh, I am on it. I am so on it.
Okay, female, 31, brunette,
body found at her
east side apartment.
Wait, that's right near
where you live, Eva.
Okay, a partial shoe
print was left in blood.
Police have determined that
it was a Ferro Calde sneaker,
size 10.
[Eva sighing]
What shoe size does Mitch wear?
I don't know, but
it's probably huge.
What size does Norman wear?
That's the real question.
I do not know because I'm not
just asking people their shoe sizes
when they walk
through my front door.
Yeah, okay. [chuckling]
I know that, like, you guys are
all kind of joking about this,
and I'm cool. I can be very
cool. I'm so cool about this.
But actually, I'm very serious
because any of these guys
could legit be Swipe
Right and kill you.
Okay, I get it.
It sucks that my whole taking
charge of my life thing
has overlapped
with a crime spree.
So, here is the compromise.
I'm good where I'm at,
so I will delete the apps.
- Yes.
- And I will see Kyle again.
And I will possibly
fuck Mitch again.
- Thank you.
- Probably tonight.
- Yes!
- A few times.
Oh, put it there.
Too many times.
- And I'm gonna keep the date with Norman.
- That's my girl.
But to ease all of your minds,
I'm going to prove
to all of you,
especially you,
that none of them are
the serial killer.
How?
We are going to
Cinderella this bitch.
It's shoe time.
Oh, if the Ferro
Caldes don't fit,
you must acquit.
That is correct.
[knocking]
Hey.[Eva] Hi.
Okay, should we go
back to my place or...
I was actually thinking
maybe we could do something a
little more intimate tonight.
Why do guys always do that?
Just call it what it is.
What?
Oh, were you not
talking about anal?
- No.
- Oh, yeah. Me neither.
So, I was thinking maybe
I could cook for you,
if you're hungry.
And, you know, we
could just talk,
get to know each other a little.
Okay, yeah.
All right, come on.
- Maybe after we could try anal.
- [Eva] Yes.
So, you seem to know
all about my work,
but I don't know
anything about yours.
Mmm.
Yeah, that's kind
of on purpose.
It's a little embarrassing.
I work at my friend's
photo studio.
Sounds fancy.
Uh...
Uh, you're probably
thinking Annie Leibovitz,
but this is not that.
This is the everyone
wears matching sweaters
and touches each other
oddly kind of place.
- Those still exist?
- Yes, they do.
So, you went to school
for photography?
Oh, no, no. I am
just the assistant.
I just retouch things, hand
her props here and there.
It's real life-plan,
dreams-coming-true kind of stuff,
so you should be
pretty impressed.
[chuckling]
Actually, the truth is
my mom got pretty sick
and she ended up
dying last year.
I'm so sorry.
And working for Kelly just
made it easier to
look after her.
She's all about family.
She sounds like a great friend.
Yeah.
You know,
all the guys I've been
dating, you are the only person
that I have told all
of that to, which...
is pretty interesting.
Like, in a good way, though.
What do you mean by "guys"?
Like... Like, plural?
Uh, well... Uh, yeah.
I mean, it's online dating.
It's kind of how it works.
What... Are you
okay? What's...
Sorry, I'm just a little
confused right now.
Did I say something
to upset you?
No, um... No. You know what?
I'm good.
- Okay.
- I'm cool.
I'm not gonna make a
big deal out of this.
- Everything's good.
- Okay.
Oh.
You know what? I think
cooking can wait.
Ooh.
Wow.
All right, it can
definitely wait.
[sighing contentedly]
Hey, that was incredibly hot.
[Mitch chuckling]
- [Mitch] Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
[Mitch] Well, just wait
until you try my cooking.
- [Mitch] Hey.
- Hey.
Is everything okay?
[Eva] Oh. Yeah.
Food's almost done.
Oh, I just realized, I've
got an early start tomorrow,
so I'm going to get going.
I'm just not that
hungry anymore.
I... I wanted to ask
you this earlier,
- but, you know, I didn't want to be dramatic.
- Oh.
You're not, like, using
me for sex, are you?
No.
Okay, because, well,
that would make me
very, very upset.
No. No.
Come on. No, I'm
definitely not...
using you at all.
I'll see you later.
[Kyle] And...
[Eva] Oh, my God, Kyle.
Ta-da!
This is too much.
Crap. Really? I'm sorry.
- I always do this.
- No. Hey, hey, hey.
Kyle, it's... it's
beautiful. It's perfect.
Got the baguettes, champagne.
We got charcuterie. Come on!
"Charcuterie!" That's what that's called.
I always just call it "cheese and meat."
Yeah, well... Yeah.
It's a little sweaty.
I put it out this morning, so
it's been here for a while.
I just wanted today to
be so perfect, you know?
Oh, who is this little guy?
Oh, yeah. I forgot about him.
Come here.
Okay.[Eva] Oh...
And this little guy is Stewart.
- Hi, buddy.
- Hey, buddy.
That's how you hold the dog?
Oh, gee. Sorry.
Clinical reflex, really,
'cause most dogs in my
office, they think I'm about
to take their rectal
temperature, you know?
Just... right up there.
Anyways, we'll get
him out of here. And...
champagne?
[guitar strumming] Shall we?
- Yeah, we shall. Thank you.
- Okay.
- Uh... Oh.
- [guitar strumming]
[guitar playing]
[sputtering, coughing]
- Are you okay?
- Sorry, I had to...
- [guitar strumming]
- Yeah.
There is a house
In New Orleans
What?
Dear God!
Hey, buddy!
They call the Rising Sun
[barking]
- Knock it off, Stewart.
- It... It's fine. All right?
We can go. There's a
nice place over there.
Can you just hold
that for a second?
Geez. I'm gonna have
to put this guy down.
- I'll be right back.
- Put him down? Oh.
Buddy! Look, I just noticed
you're a little bit out of
tune there on the E string.
Do you mind if I...
Ten.[Kyle] I'll just, uh...
Shit.[Kyle] If
you don't mind...
Give me the guitar!
- Oh, Kyle!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- No, what are you...
- [man] Linda!
Linda!
[Eva] Wow.
[chuckling]
Well, that's taken care of.
That guy was way
stronger than he looked.
Where were we?
You know, uh, I think maybe
we should try this another time.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
It's not about that,
'cause... Not at all.
But this was just really
memorable and... Yeah.
- I'll talk to you soon.
- Do you want to do it again sometime?
- Bye, Kyle.
- I'll, uh...
If you wanna talk
later or hang out...
[Eva] Yeah... sometime.
I'll bring Stewart.[Eva] Yeah,
I'll email you or something.
[podcast theme music playing]
[female podcaster] So what happens if
Swipe Right doesn't match with anyone?
Does he just start
murdering randos?
[male podcaster] Ooh. I
mean, are the streets even...
[tense music playing]
What is happening?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
[breathing heavily]
[screaming]
[both screaming]
Aah! Why are you
screaming? Oh, my God!
[breathing heavily] Okay. Hi.
Stop screaming, weirdos.
You dropped this.
Oh.
Thank you. Those
are expensive.
Not all men,
ladies. Not all men.
Yeah, but some men,
sometimes, dude.
[breathless] Holy shit!
- That was a close call.
- Yeah.
What are you doing here?
I, uh...
Look, I... I admit,
I was feeling a little bit anxious
about how your date with Kyle went,
so I just wanted to
pop by and make sure
that you weren't
crossing any... any lines.
Okay, this whole sex police
thing, it's getting pretty old.
It's a little weird. I
don't need a chaperone, okay?
And honestly, maybe
our idea of happiness
is a little
different these days.
I just... I feel like,
when you were with Jake,
we were on the same page.
Kelly, Jake sucked.
Okay. Yeah, I can see that.
I'm not that Eva anymore.
Can this new Eva not have sex
with everybody that she meets?
Okay. You know what? I'm really
tired, and I'm gonna go inside.
Well, uh...
'Kay.
You know I love you,
right?[door closing]
[female podcaster] So, all
the victims' phone records
show they were dating multiple
people, but there's no crossover.
[male podcaster] I mean, at this
point, it could literally be anybody.
- It could be your dad.
- [female podcaster] You've met my dad.
He can't climb stairs,
let alone kill someone.
But I do think we should be
looking at all men in our lives
a little differently because
it's gotta be one of them.
[male podcaster] I want everyone keeping
an eye on the unassuming ones, right?
Historically, serial killers are
always, like, the guy-next-door types.
[female podcaster] I mean, except for Ted
Bundy. He's a fox. He could catch it.
[male podcaster] Right. Okay,
yes. Ted Bundy could catch it...
[Eva] Do you not
have fingerprints?
I mean, he definitely was
the exception, for sure.
Now, BTK, on the other
hand, he could not get it.
[female podcaster] No, no. But
BTK had the advantage of access.
- Hi.
- Hey.
[male podcaster] He
installed alarms.
[female podcaster] That's right.
Point is, he's out there, listeners,
and you may never see him
coming until it's too late.
[male podcaster] Yeah,
I don't know about you,
but I won't be letting any
strangers into my house anytime soon.
[knocking]
Oh, hi.
Hey. Hi. Uh...
I come bearing gifts.
There they are.
[chuckling nervously]
- You look so nice.
- Thank you.
Hey, do you wanna
take your shoes off?
You know, you can just
make yourself at home.
No?
I have booties I can
put on, if you'd like.
No, no, it's okay.
Just wanted you to
feel comfortable.
Yeah, no, I feel comfortable.
I'm just gonna go
finish getting ready.
Yeah, yeah. I'll
get to it, then.
I'll see you soon.
Okay.[Norman] Okay, bye.
Not bye. I'll see you soon.
[drill whirring]
[Norman imitating fanfare]
You are now secure.
All right. Well, I
feel safer already.
Then should we go
do something crazy?
Is comedy crazy?
- Eh. Sometimes.
- Yeah, that's true.
[beeping] Oh.
What is that?
What's that beeping?
That means we have - 30 seconds to leave.
- Thirty seconds?
- Yep. So, hustle.
- Oh, that's pretty...
[beeping]...quick.
[beeping]
[audience applauding]
Thank you all so
much for coming.
We are the You Should
Smile Comedy Troupe.
[audience cheering]
We need a volunteer
from the audience.
So...
Uh, you, sir. Come on up here.
[laughing][audience cheering]
Yes!
[audience applauding, cheering]
Whoo!
Oww!
[Robin] And for a scenario...
All right...
"You're on a first date."
- [chuckling]
- [audience] Ooh.
[improviser] And go.
Uh, okay. Um, hi. I'm Norman.
- Hi.
- It's so nice to kill you!
- [woman] Oh, my God!
- [Robin] Oh, hey. Oh! Oh!
[grunting]
Oh, oh, oh! No,
no, no! No, no!
I was supposed to be the
Swipe Right Killer. Get it?
- Uh, yeah, that got dark.
- Too soon. Okay. Too soon, too soon.
That was so good! Yay!
Whoo!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. No.
[chuckling] Wow!
[Eva] The girl next to
me was freaking out.
[both laughing]
I am so sorry. Again.
- Comedy, it's crazy.
- Yeah.
Lacking social awareness,
but I appreciate
that you went for it.
Thank you.
I have been wondering, though,
what's with this whole
medical examiner thing?
You know, did you just wake
up one day and think...
"Yay, dead bodies"?
It's my chance to play hero.
[Eva chuckles] Find answers.
And I guess I have a
morbid sense of curiosity.
Weird, I know.
I love that you're so
passionate about something.
Tell me something
you're passionate about.
[phone vibrating] Oh.
Well...
- Oh, damn it.
- What's wrong?
Uh, it's... it's my sister.
Oh, you have a sister.
Oh...
Oh, is she okay?
What's... Yeah, yeah.
Look, I'm really sorry to
split like this, but I gotta go.
I can come...
- [stammers] No, I'm sorry.
- Do you want me to...
I can come with you.
Bye.
Weird.
Brad?
- Two High Lifes.
- Brad!
Eva!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- It's been a minute.
- Yeah.
Hey, how's...
how's Kelly doing?
Your wife? Uh...
What are you...
Shit. She didn't tell you?
No, she did not.
Look, um, don't
tell her I told you
because she must not want
people to know, but...
Okay, you're
freaking me out. What?
We're on a little bit
of a break right now.
A break? Sorry, that
was loud. What...
We were having trouble,
and I definitely, um...
You what?
Let's just say I handled it
poorly and she was super upset.
But then, she did like a 180 and suggested
we take a couple months to ourselves
and then see where we are.
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
I mean, she has been acting
really strange lately,
- so this makes sense.
- Yeah.
And honestly...
I miss her.
I'll see you around.
Hang in there, Brad.
- Thanks.
- Bye.
Hmm...
So, where is Mr. Security?
I am, like,
devastatingly curious.
Okay, listen to this.
He got an emergency text
from his supposed sister.
- [inhaling sharply] - Not the sister story.
- Yeah.
And then he got really weird,
and he just rushed out of here.
- Okay, that is...
- that is sketch. - Yeah.
And I am feeling mildly sleuthy.
[chuckling] So...
why don't we follow him?
Yes!
Okay, we look a little
sus going this slow.
Well, he's not looking for us.
No, I mean to everybody else.
You're going 20 in a 35. You
should be going at least 50.
I'm sorry. It is my first
time tailing somebody.
Not mine.
I dated a cop for eight years.
We did weird stuff for fun.
[car door opening and
closing in distance]
Get down!
Wait, does... does
he live there?
Uh-uh. Said he
lives near the hill.
What is he doing?
He's going in?
[Robin] I don't know.
[Eva] Did he just go inside?
Okay.
What is he doing?
The lights are off.
Oh...
[gasping] They're
on. Look, look!
Wait. Okay, that's weird.
Oh, my God! He's
positioning a body.
That's a body.
He's positioning it.
Okay, well, that is...
that is very Swipe Right.
[gasping]
[tool rumbling]
Okay, I know that sound.
He is dismembering her.
[stammering] This is next-level
and actually, we need
to call the police.
Yeah, but what are we gonna say?
Okay, we haven't
actually seen anything.
You know, - I have seen enough.
- Aah!
He's coming out.
What is he doing?
No![muffled yelling]
Shh! Be quiet. Be quiet.
[whimpering]
- Are you good?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- He's dragging it.
- Get down.
He's dragging it.
I see one bag for the torso.
And two for the limbs.
No. A body is very heavy.
He's really strong.
Okay. Oh, no.
That is a torso,
if I ever saw one.
[Eva] No, that
could definitely...
- Down.
- [van door thudding]
- [Eva] Let's just breathe through this.
- [Robin] Okay.
And not get carried away.
- [Robin] Right.
- [Eva] Hold on.
- Okay, we gotta go in there.
- Hell no!
Yes! What if somebody's in
there and they're hurt, okay?
We can't call the cops until
we know for sure, all right?
So put your big girl britches
on. We're going inside.
- Come on.
- No, no, no, no.
I certainly didn't come... to,
like, evaluate a murder scene!
Quit talking to yourself.
Shh.
Oh, my God. Okay.
Try the door.
- Mm-mmm.
- Just try.
Okay, okay.[doorknob rattling]
Damn it, it's locked.
No.
Victory.[key rattling]
Okay. Okay.
[exhaling sharply]
[lock clicking]
Oh, my God.
Go.
Go! Go!
Excuse me?
What are you doing in here?
Um...
Wow, we are so sorry.
What?
Oh, no, no, no. Not...
We meant... Because we just...
- No, you're here.
- Mm-hmm. You are here.
And we're so happy
for that. Yay!
I'm sorry, did I
leave the door open?
Um...
We are your new neighbors.
We thought we'd just come on
by and offer you our services.
You guys are very sweet,
but you don't need to
be woke all the time.
I mean, I kind of
think we're the...
the right amount of woke.
I'm a normal person,
and I have people who
help me when I need it.
My brother just left.
- Like, just now?
- Your brother.
I blew a fuse,
and I had him go into the
crawl space to flip a switch.
And then he fixed my garbage
disposal, and he took out the trash.
- He's the best.
- Yeah. Yeah.
You know what? He
actually... He sounds it.
Okay, you know what?
If you need anything, you
know where to find us, so...
Actually, I don't.
What unit are you in?
- Bye! Bye.
- In the pent suite.
I am a terrible person.
I just assumed he
was a murderer,
based off of ten minutes of
spying on him from a car?
I mean, I could have at
least given it a solid 30,
like a proper stalker.
[phone vibrating]
Oh, oh, God.
Well, it's him.
Well?
- What do I do?
- Answer it!
- Answer it?
- Yeah, answer it!
- And say what?
- We're hanging out
in front of your
sister's house,
we thought you were
the Swipe Right Killer.
Howdy!
[Norman] Hey, Eva.
What are you doing?
What am I doing?
- Chillin'.
- Chillin' in a car with my friend.
We're just, uh, doing
some night meditating.
[Norman] Cool. Um...
I'm sorry about
running off earlier.
No, it's okay.
[Norman] Any chance we
can finish our date?
Yeah, I'll be there
as soon as possible.
[Norman] Okay, thank
you. Thank you.
Wow.
Way to play hard to get, babe.
[knocking]
- Hey!
- Hey.
- Oh.
- Look, um...
I think you're
really great, but...
Oh, my God, did you
just invite me over here
to tell me that you're
not interested in me?
No, no, no. My God, no.
Before I bolted earlier,
I should have told you...
- Whoa, whoa, wait.
- You have a girlfriend? - No, no. No.
Um, I have some anxiety
stuff with my sister.
Okay. What do you mean?
We went through some traumatic
shit together as kids.
She's super independent,
and she never asks for anything.
So, when she said she
needed me, I, uh...
I panicked.
- Sorry.
- No.
You do not have to be
sorry. I get it. I...
I also have a sister who
causes all sorts of anxiety.
Well, are you gonna
give me the tour or...
Yeah, for sure. Okay, well...
[Eva whispering] Forty-three.
[Norman] This is
the dining room.
Oh, look at this. Hmm...
Do you have an air fryer?
I do.
I've also got a fancy blender.
Mm-hmm.
Maybe we skip the
rest of the tour.
- Yeah, for sure.
- Yeah.
Wow.
- Transformational phase.
- Yeah, I get it.
Hmm? Huh?
Yeah. Oh.
Okay.
Whose is this?
It's probably my sister's.
She's always leaving
stuff over here.
Right, the sister in a
wheelchair wears heels, okay.
Uh, that's a really
ignorant thing to say.
She can wear whatever
shoe she wants.
No, you're right.
I'm sorry. That was...
I don't know why I said that.
How do you know she
uses a wheelchair?
Huh? Uh... You told me.
I don't think I did.
No, I definitely think you did.
You know what? Um...
Maybe we should do
this another time.
Um... Hold on.
You're ending this
because I... I
asked about a shoe?
I mean, it is our
first date, Eva.
I don't think it's a crime
to have another woman's
shoe in the house.
So, it is another woman's shoe.
It's not your sister's,
so that was a lie.
Okay. It's late, so...
Yeah.
It is pretty late. Um...
I'll talk to you soon, Norman.
Oh, men's... size 43.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my... [sighing]
Shit.
- Here, let me help you.
- Oh, hi.
- Thank you.
- No worries.
[sighing]
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
Just a good date
that turned into a...
shitty date.
Oh. [sighing] They
can turn on a dime.
Be careful.
Yeah, you too.
[phone chiming, vibrating] Oh!
[groaning]
Ooh...
Fuck it. Self-care.
[female podcaster] Okay,
Mark My Murder fans,
urgent information coming in.
The Swipe Right Killer has
struck again last night.
The victim, Tara Leon, was found
wearing one strappy
gold stiletto shoe.
No.[male podcaster]
And she wasn't
coming home from a date, as
far as we know right now.
They're saying she was at
some costume gala all night.
So, is this a new
escalation from Swipe Right?
[female podcaster] Everyone
else has been on dates
or maybe this was just like
a crime of convenience.
[male podcaster] Okay, okay.
So, then, what you're saying
is that Swipe Right
is getting lazier.
[female podcaster] Or crazier.
[male podcaster] Lazier
and crazier? Okay, now...
Valerie, you were right.
I think I'm dating the killer.
[Eva] Wow.
This is the...
Whoa. This is very extensive.
I totally killed
this presentation,
so get your grubby hands off
my laptop and listen to this.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Okay, so,
after your embargo on
googling people was lifted,
I found this in
about 45 seconds.
Apparently, his sister survived
a botched home invasion in 2004,
where their parents
were murdered.
- Holy shit.
- Yeah.
She was shot and left
partially paralyzed.
What?
Norman came home in the middle
- and the robbers fled.
- Whoa.
- What do you think?
- I think that that explains
why he freaks whenever
she needs something.
It's also the perfect
serial killer origin story.
Okay, but why would he
just kill women? Huh?
Maybe one of the home invaders
was a woman? I don't know.
The big picture is
Norman's interest
in being a medical examiner
makes him well-versed in
crime scenes and forensics,
so he would know to cover his
fingerprints or avoid leaving any.
He is a size-ten shoe,
and the most damning
piece of evidence:
he was most likely the last
person to see Tara Leon alive.
- Okay.
- You know what you have to do.
- Yeah. Call the tip line.
- Call Jake.
No. No.
Okay, you can try
your thing first,
but when that doesn't work...
Uh-uh, I'm definitely
not calling Jake.
[police radio chatter]
[knuckles cracking]
Drugs?
No. Serial killer.
[phone chiming, vibrating]
Oh, dear God, no.
Hi, Eva. Um, Kyle here.
Um, you knew that. Sorry.
Uh, look, I just
wanted to say that
I bought this guy
a brand-new guitar.
Very sweet.
Actually, a way nicer one
than he had before, so...
Whatever, that's not the point.
The point is,
I just wanted to
apologize to you.
I think I overreacted a little
bit the other day at the park.
I think it was just because
I was trying so hard
to impress you that I
forgot how to be myself.
Anyways, uh...
Mmm... Oh, no.
[guitar strumming]
No, don't...
[guitar strumming]
I'm sorry, Eva
Oh, wow.
[guitar strumming]
For the way I
acted the other day
I really should've came up with
some more lyrics for this. Um...
Strangely charming.
Okay, someone arrest this woman!
For stealing my heart.
Aren't you engaged?
Oh, yeah. Winnie, come say hi.
[Winnie] Uh-uh.
Ah, she gets me.
You are such a dick.
Oh, relax, hormones,
you called me.
Hormones? You were
my last resort, okay?
I tried that tip line, like, 44 times,
and I couldn't get anyone to pick up.
Yeah, it's because this
podcast has got all these chicks
thinking their online
dates are murderers.
[chuckling] Women, so crazy.
Anyway, what can I do for you?
I think one of my online
dates might be a murderer.
[snickering]
Shut up.
Oh, I'm fucking with
you. Let's just...
- Okay.
- All right.
Just... Feminism.
[Eva] Feminism?
[office phone ringing][no
audible dialogue]
So that's it.
I know everybody wants to
be an Internet detective,
but I'm telling you,
something feels very off here.
That evidence, it's
very, very circumstantial.
[sighing]
I know. I know. But I have
this feeling, all right?
And I can't do nothing. I mean,
what if this guy kills again
and we could have stopped it?
Okay, well, aside
from your "feelings,"
what else do we have?
What else? Um, I mean, I've
never seen him drink ros.
He does have all his fingertips.
But like I said,
he's really, really
interested in forensics.
Stop! Stop listening
to that podcast.
- Why?
- Dear Lord. It's bullshit.
Okay, well, the podcast
never cheated on me,
multiple times, so...
Uh, yeah, like,
um, there were a few wine
bottles in the beginning,
but that's because people
getting ready for dates,
- sometimes, they drink wine.
- Not everybody.
And the print, it was
smudged and inconclusive,
not the result of some,
like, mangled finger.
Okay, all right.
Well, tell me,
what are the actual clues?
All right, shoes, the men's
size ten, that's a real clue.
And Tara wasn't the
only one missing a shoe.
All the victims were
found wearing only one.
A high heel in every case, a
stiletto in a couple cases.
We think the killer is
keeping them as, like,
a trophy or something, but
we didn't make that public.
Mainly because of
that stupid podcast.
Okay, stop. Jake, stop talking.
All right, you gotta go there
right now and search his house.
- I saw a shoe, a woman's shoe.
- A woman's shoe?
A woman's shoe, - a black stiletto.
- Black stiletto?
And I don't know, he's probably
got more hidden somewhere,
like in his closet or, like,
in the basement or something.
- Sit, sit.
- Okay.
I just sat down because I wanted
to, not because you told me to.
They don't give
away search warrants
just because my ex-girlfriend
saw a shoe at a guy's house.
I have to prove that it was actually
linked to one of the victims.
You know, we did find a small
amount of DNA at one of the scenes,
but we put it in the database,
it came back negative.
You don't happen to have
any of his DNA, do you?
No, I haven't
slept with him yet.
Hey, I don't want to hear you
talk about other guys like that.
Again, Jake, you're engaged.
It still stings, okay?
No.
- No, I got it.
- No, no, no.
No, I got... I got it, really.
No, you should not be going
and finding any DNA right now.
It would be ridiculously risky.
Well, you know, the great
thing about being broken up
is that I don't have to listen
to what you think I should
and shouldn't do anymore.
Goodbye, Winnie.
I was saying that as a cop,
not as your ex-boyfriend.
[door closing]
Crazy.
- Surprise!
- Jesus Christ!
Oh, my God, Mitch.
You scared the shit out of me!
[sighing] Hi. What
are you doing here?
Well, you haven't
returned my calls or texts.
Uh... You completely ghosted me
after you stormed
out the other night.
I know, I've just been
really busy, but I do...
[gasping]
Okay. Oh, no. Are you crying?
This keeps happening to me.
- I try to be the cool guy.
- Uh-huh.
But deep down, I... I really
have feelings for you.
Oh, no, you don't
know me that well yet.
I'm just gonna be brutally
honest with you, all right?
I left the other night
because I thought you might be
the Swipe Right Killer,
which now I know you are not,
because another guy
I'm dating actually is.
But I did like having sex
with you, like, a lot.
Whoa. And you are
very, very hot.
And it's... it's been really
good for my self-esteem.
So, thank you for that,
but I'm not ready to
be serious with you.
Okay, well...
maybe once I heal from
this, we can have sex again?
Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. Later.
Uh...
[exhaling sharply]
You can do this.
[exhaling sharply]
Okay. [exhaling sharply]
- [Norman] Eva! Hey.
- Hey!
Uh, what are you doing here?
Yeah, I'm sorry to just
show up unannounced,
but I think I left one of my favorite
pearl earrings here, so I just...
No, look, actually, I'm
really glad to see you.
I really wanted to
apologize for last night.
Oh, please, no. Don't
even worry about...
No, no. Please. I really
wanna talk about it.
I know. I do too, but I...
I can't focus on anything
until I just... You know,
I really love this earring.
It was my great-great-grandmother's.
So, just...
It's gonna take...
super quick.
- Uh, okay, sure.
- Two minutes.
[breathing heavily] Yes.
Okay. All right.
If I were DNA, where would I be?
[lock clicking]
[tense music playing]
Fuck.
Eva.[gasping]
- Yeah.
- Hey.
Hey. God, you know,
it's so weird.
I could have sworn
that I had it here.
It's a family heirloom.
It's really important
- that I find it.
- Could we maybe, uh, take a beat here?
Please.
Yeah.
Sure, we can. [chuckles]
Okay.
You mean, like...
like this kind of beat?
Wow. Well, that wasn't
exactly what I...
Oh! Are the
fingernails negotiable?
Sorry.
But not really,
you know, I just, um...
God, I've really been
thinking about you lately.
[Norman] Careful.
Oh, my God! There it is.
Are you kidding me? [sighing]
This is really a relief.
This is good. [chuckling]
You know, I would love
to continue this later,
but I just gotta call my sister
and let her know
that I found it.
[Norman] Eva!
Are you kidding me? Come on!
Okay.
I did it.
Holy shit, I did it.
Okay...
Hair... check.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, God, that's gross.
Skin... motherfucking check.
All right.
[exhaling sharply] Okay.
Boom!
Evidence!
Oh, you are not...
Jake, your
ex-girlfriend is here.
Yeah, well, you know I have
a name, right? It's Eva.
Boom!
- Evidence!
- Wow!
I bet you had no problem
getting DNA in that outfit.
Oh, you are foul.
Just take the samples and do
whatever you do with them.
Yeah, okay, I'll
get them to the lab.
You said this guy installed
your security system, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Well, you shouldn't go home.
I mean, if you wanted to be safe,
you shoulda just came to me.
I would've told
you to go with ADT.
How about just saying,
"Nice work, Eva.
Thanks for cleaning
up the streets, Eva.
Thanks for catching
a predator, Eva."
Okay, how about, uh, do you
have anywhere else to stay, Eva?
- Yes.
- Do you?
I do, in fact. I
got many options.
So, don't worry about
it. Many options!
Moron.
Many options.
Well, that sucks.
[sighing] Okay.
[TV playing kids'
show, children giggling]
[phone vibrating]
Down came the rain And
washed the spider out
Out came the sun And
dried up all the rain
[Valerie on recording] Hey,
it's Val. I'm so tired.
You know what to do.
Goddamn it, Valerie!
- Okay.
- [phone line ringing]
[Kelly on recording] Hi.
This is Kelly from...
- You kidding me? Where is everybody?
- [phone line ringing]
[Robin on recording]
Hey, it's Robin.
I'm not answering because
I'm out here, living life.
Okay.
- [sighing]
- [phone line ringing]
[Anthony on recording] Hey, it's
Anthony. I'm not here right now.
Leave a message. Bye!
- Aah!
- Whoa.
Oh, people have got to
stop sneaking up on me.
- Do not come any closer.
- No, I just want to talk.
Get away from me.
No, get away from me.
No, get away from me.
I will call the cops.
- Are you serious right now?
- Sheryl!
This man is really
dangerous. Go! Go!
- Okay! I'm going, I'm going.
- Go!
Thank you, Sheryl. I'll
see you at book club.
Holy shit.
I love all the colors
Don't you love them, too?
[phone vibrating]
They make the
world So pretty
[Valerie on recording] Hey,
it's Val. I'm so tired.
You know what to do.
Valerie, are you kidding me?
How is this the one time that
you don't pick up my phone call?
Okay, I just got home,
and Norman showed up,
and I'm really fucking
freaked out right now
because he knows all
of my security info,
and I need somewhere
safe to stay.
So please, please call
me back, okay? Okay.
Oh, my God.
Okay. Well, last resort time.
[Kyle] Eva, hi. Hey.
Kyle. I... Did the
phone even ring?
Hi. Um, listen, I have a
really huge favor to ask.
Can I come over?
[Kyle] Yeah, of course.
All right, thank you.
I will see you soon. Can you just...
Can you text me your address?
[Kyle] Of course, yeah. Amazing.
Thank you so much again
for letting me come over.
It's really nice of you. I
don't know where anyone is.
[stammering] Kelly
or my sister should
be calling back any second.
Of course, yeah. No worries.
Hey, where's Stewart?
Who?
- Your dog?
- Oh, yeah!
He's, uh, locked
in the guest room.
- Oh.
- Well, it's like crate training for him,
except, uh, just,
like, a nice big crate
with a bed in it and stuff.
- He loves it in there.
- Really?
Yeah. But anyways, you were
saying that Norman guy,
you think he's the
Swipe Right Killer?
- Yeah, I think so.
- Geez.
And, uh, you guys
were dating or...
I mean, sort of. Not really.
I mean... Ugh.
It is just a little crazy to me
that you cut our date short
because I lost my
temper a little bit,
but you... you didn't
notice any red flags
with a guy who is a murderer?
Um, look, I'm...
Hey, I am so sorry.
No, that was rude of me.
You've had a really
hard day and, uh...
If you wanna, I don't know,
take a bath or something?
I mean, I could
order us some food.
I have actually been
wanting to take a bath
for a really long time.
I don't have a tub at my place.
Oh. Oh, okay.
Yeah, makes sense.
- It's just upstairs?
- Yeah, the bathroom's just upstairs,
and there's a nice,
cozy bathrobe for you...
Oh, great... you can put on.
Just make yourself at home.
Mi casa es su casa.
Right?
Yeah.
Mmm.
[tense music playing]
[sighing]
[phone vibrating]
Oh, yes.
Oh.
Antipsychotics?
Nope, antihistamines.
Mmm, that tracks. He
does seem like a guy
with a lot of allergies.
[phone vibrating]
[taps squeaking]
[sighing contentedly]
I've got to get one of these.
[phone vibrating]
[vibrating]
- Valerie?
- Oh, thank God you picked up!
I left you and Eva like
a thousand voicemails.
Oh, sorry, I was just, uh...
- I think Eva is in trouble.
- What?
Kyle isn't who he says he is,
and she is with him right now.
She's not picking up, so
I left her a voicemail.
But I haven't looked up Kyle
before because we knew him, right?
Well, Kyle is actually married
to a woman who is alive.
The veterinarian is
his wife's brother,
who is traveling all summer.
Kyle is a freaking pet-sitter,
and he has a record.
Multiple assault charges.
And, Eva, he arrived in town
two days before the
first Swipe Right kill.
We were wrong about
Norman. Kyle is the killer!
You've got to get out!
- I see you've borrowed my favorite shirt.
- Oh, shit!
Aah! [chuckling]
[chuckling nervously]
Making yourself
right at home, hmm?
Yeah. Can I have my phone?
No. I don't think so.
I think it's only fair that,
if you have something of mine,
I get something of yours, right?
Unless you want to
take that shirt off.
Oh, gross.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.
[chuckling] You know what?
I really don't
understand you, Eva.
I thought you were different,
but you're just like the
rest of the girls, okay?
You never go for
the nice guys. Me.
I'm the nice guy.
I'm literally the
nicest guy, in fact.
I mean, fuck me, I
waxed my chest for you!
I mean, not really. That's
just part of your chest.
Oh, my God! You have any
idea how much this hurt?
- Yeah. I do, actually.
- Yeah!
Girls do it all the time.
- Let me leave the room!
- Yeah, well,
it's not about you right now.
It's about Kyle right
now! It's Kyle time!
I did all of this for you,
and you just insist
on pushing me away!
Why is that, huh?
Kyle, I...
You know, the nice thing to do
would actually be to let
me leave the room, so...
Oh, my God. Now you
want a nice guy?
That's hilarious.
Sadly, I'm done being a
nice guy. You know why?
Because I realize nice guys
don't get what they want,
and what I want
right now is simple.
I want... Oh!
[Eva] Idiot!
[groaning]
[Kyle growling]
No!
[growling] Oh!
[roaring] You
already did that!
It's redundant!
- Get off of me!
- No!
You're all the same.
Every single one of you girls.
You just toy and you toy!
I didn't toy with you!
I just didn't sleep with
you, you fucking psychopath!
I don't deserve to die for
that! None of those girls did!
What girls are you...
[grunting]
Ow!
[breathing heavily]
[groaning]
Ow...
[breathing heavily]
Kelly!
You're okay! You're okay!
[breathing heavily]
You saved my life.
Yeah! [laughing hysterically]
[Kelly] Shit. Get the
knife! Pull it out!
What do you mean?
Pull what out?
Get it out before he does!
No, Kelly. I don't want to!
You have to! Be brave!
You have to! He's
gonna stab us!
- Okay, okay!
- Pull it out!
- With what?
- Now! Pull it out!
- [squelching]
- [Kyle groaning]
Oh, God! This is really gross!
[knife clattering] Didn't
you want to be a nurse?
I do hate blood.
Oh, goddamn it!
Jake was right!
Jake! We gotta
call the police.
Okay, let's get you out
of here. You're safe.
You're safe! Let's go!
You're okay. You're okay.
- I can't look at it anymore.
- Okay, here.
Ugh.
Okay, look.
- I'm going to take care of all of this.
- Okay.
But your fingerprints
are everywhere inside.
So I'm going to clean
up, call the police,
and just make sure that they
know this was self-defense.
You killed the
Swipe Right Killer.
Of course it was
self-defense, Kelly.
Exactly.
Okay, stay here.
[Eva] Thank you.
[phone chiming]
[phone chiming]
[phone chiming]
What?
[phone chiming]
Who are all these women?
Oh, my God. Why are there so
many fucking phones in here?
[Kelly straining]
Hey.
Hey!
What are you doing?
You forgot your phone.
Oh! Thanks!
I was just cleaning up before
I was gonna call the police.
Why do you have that?
You got a message
from somebody named
Amber about a date?
Who is that?
Yeah.
Yeah, I think Brad
is cheating on me.
I've been meaning to tell
you this is his burner phone.
Kelly, I know you and
Brad are on a break.
Yeah, but it's okay.
It's just like a temporary
thing, so it's okay.
Look. Look what I found, Eva.
Ferro Caldes.
In his closet, size ten.
Well, that's really weird
because I didn't see
those upstairs earlier.
And look, shoes.
I found these in his closet too,
and I bet there's more
where they came from!
Eva, we did it.
We killed the
Swipe Right Killer.
Look, technically,
you killed him when you
pulled the knife out,
but we did it.
Kelly, how do you
know about the heels?
The police haven't told
anyone about the heels.
You don't believe me?
Are you calling me a liar?
Kelly, what are you doing?
Oh, my God, what have you done?
What have I done?
- What have I done?
- Oh! Okay.
I have saved a
bunch of marriages.
- What?
- I had a feeling something was off with Brad,
so I went through his
phone, and I found out
that he was meeting someone.
I found out where she lived.
I followed her home,
and then I watched
them together.
That lecherous trash
was trying to steal my husband!
But I had a pair of
Brad's shoes with me,
just in case that
something happened.
[stammering] That
sounds premeditated.
- No.
- Okay.
No, it wasn't.
I did not want to
leave any footprints,
in case something happened.
In case? What? And then,
something did happen?
Yes! Yes, and she deserved it!
[Eva] Oh, my God.
And then Brad, he would
pay for what he did to me.
I know that serial killers
sometimes like to take trophies,
so I took one of her shoes,
and I was going to plant it
in his stupid
fucking bachelor pad.
And then I had this
incredible idea
that I could save so many
people from this pain!
I would find these women
on these cheating
messaging boards,
and then I would catfish them,
pretending to be
different married men.
And then, I got so good
that I could just identify
them based on the shoes.
Do you know who wears
stilettos, Eva? Home-wreckers!
Have you thought that maybe you
are killing the wrong people?
- Men cheat too, Kelly.
- What the fuck? - Exactly!
And I was gonna frame Brad
for all of the murders,
but then, Eva, he called me,
and he told me
that he missed me,
- and he regretted all of it.
- Oh, my God.
And then I didn't
know what to do.
And then, look.
Look who fell into
my lap, Eva. Kyle!
Eva... Eva, I saved you!
No, no. Kelly, no!
No! It's all perfect
now. Don't you see?
Everybody is gonna think
that Kyle is Swipe Right.
I'm gonna burn the
rest of the shoes.
Brad is gonna come back home
to me, and then it's all...
it's all gonna go back
to the way that it was.
The way that it was?
You're fucking insane!
Eva, it didn't have to - be this way!
- No!
[grunting]
We could have been
best friends forever!
I wanted to be the maid
of honor at your wedding!
- Your wedding sucked!
- Oh!
And you looked like shit
in that hideous dress!
And your spray tan was streaky!
Aah!
[both breathing heavily]
[sirens wailing]
Aah! A fucking kitten heel?
Aah! [breathing heavily]
Oh, my God.
[sirens wailing]
You stabbed the shit out of her.
Yeah.
You really owe it
to your sister.
If she hadn't have called
us when she did, who knows?
How did she even
know where I was?
I only texted that
address to Kelly.
I'm assuming she
didn't share that info.
Well, apparently, last
time you all went out,
your sister put a tracking
app on Kelly's phone.
Also, on all your
friends' phones.
And she eventually tracked down
his brother-in-law's
name and his address,
and then sent it to
us, like, seven times.
Geez.
I think your sister
should've been a cop.
Yeah.
[Jake] I'm glad you're okay.
You're lucky to be alive.
She did a murder monologue.
Like, a explain-how-she-did-it-all
monologue.
It was crazy.
Hey, so, uh, for some reason...
I'm still trying
to figure it out...
Uh, Winnie called
off the engagement.
- Hmm, shocking.
- I know.
I think it was from
you coming down
and flirting with
me in the office.
Oh, give me a break.
Hey, Winnie.
Anyway, uh,
I was thinking maybe
you and me could, uh,
you know, - get back together.
- No fucking way, Jake.
Not even like a
hit-it-and-quit-it situation?
Nope. No chance.
Well, in that case...
I ran the DNA on this.
Came back clean.
So, I talked to that Norman guy.
You didn't.
- No, no, I did.
- Oh, my God.
And he seems like
a pretty good dude.
So...
I guess you have my blessing.
Well, I don't need it, but...
thank you.
I appreciate that.
[sighing]
[Valerie] Eva?
Oh, I'm okay.
There's my cue. Hey, Gordy!
I... Hi.
Was totally right!
You were in terrible danger!
Yes! Oh, my God.
Who's paranoid now?
Who is paranoid now?
Okay, has she been... Yep. She's been
acting like this the whole way over.
Hopefully after she
found out I was alive.
Valerie...
I love you. Thank you.
You are welcome.
I think I really need
to go back to work.
- Yes.
- Yeah, you really do.
- [sighing] Hi.
- Are you okay?
I mean...
I stabbed my best
friend with a shoe,
but I'm alive, so...
Kelly. Like, who
would have thought?
Well, I mean, if one of us was
going to be a serial killer,
I would have picked her.
- Really?
- Yeah.
[Robin] I'd have put my
money on Valerie all the way.
[Eva] Yeah, me
too.[siren wailing]
[sighing]
[knocking]
Hi, Eva.
Lila, hi. Uh... Oh.
I just came to give
you your shoe back.
Um, I also just wanted
to say I'm really sorry.
[Norman] Oh...
Which thing are you
apologizing for?
When you followed
me to Lila's house
and barged in there thinking
you'd find a dead body?
Or when you stole DNA from me
and turned it over
to the police?
I'm going to give
you guys a minute.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
Both. All of that. Everything.
I am so sorry.
I mean, I know that
I jumped to some
pretty insane
conclusions, even for me,
and I just think that my
paranoia got the best of me.
Honestly?
The alarm installer
in me gets it.
The forensic student in me is
really disappointed in you.
Like, none of that DNA evidence
would have been
admissible in court.
Look, I know that this is crazy,
but I think I've already
proven I'm kind of crazy,
but, like, in a
fun way. Anyway...
Can we just start over?
Just wipe the slate clean.
Maybe go out on a normal date?
I don't think anything with you
is ever going to be normal,
and I am somehow very into that.
[Eva chuckling]
So, is that a yes?
Mm-hmm.
For the record, I really
like the hair-pulling.
Oh, good, because
that's my specialty.
Oh, well...[giggling]
I'm gonna kill you
Welcome to our very special
live kickoff episode
of our third season of...
[both] Mark My Murder.
We are snuffing out
the other podcasts.
Yeah, we are.
We're killing them.
You two are slaying,
if I do say so myself.
Oh, look who's here in the
studio, slinging puns with us.
Yes. Boulder,
Colorado's finest,
New York Times
bestselling author,
and our show's newest
copilot, Eva Vaughn.
I have to tell you, this is
actually a dream come true,
and I'm just so excited to be
on the case with
the both of you.
Speaking of case,
don't forget to pick up
Eva's newest novel, Girl, Go!,
available everywhere now.
Well, you've conquered
true crime writing.
You've conquered fiction
writing. What's next?
She's about to conquer
co-hosting this show.
I think I already did that.
Indeed, you have.
Speaking of the show,
let's get it cracking.
I think we have a call from
one of your fans on the line.
My fans? Okay. Well, then,
let's not keep them
waiting. Let's do it.
[male podcaster]
Murph, put him through.
[operator] You're
receiving a collect call
from an inmate at
ADX Supermax Prison,
Florence, Colorado.
- Do you accept these charges?
- Kelly?
Oh, this bitch...
Oh, we'll have
our cake And eat it
Oh, we'll have our
cake And eat it too
Oh, we'll have
our cake And eat it
Oh, we'll have our
cake And eat it too
Never met a girl
like this Like this
Like this
This-this-this-this
Never met a girl
like this Like this
Like this
This-this-this-this
Down in Panama
Up to Canada
Round the world
We la-la-la-la
Sing our song We
is fixing bongs
These sticks and
stones And ha-ha-ha-ha
Laugh them all to
the bank Ha-ha-ha
Laugh them all to
the bank Like this
Fill it up, fill it up
Fill it up, fill it up
Fill it up, fill
it up Fill it up
Fill it up, fill it up
Fill it up, fill it up
Fill it up Ah,
keep the change
Fill it up, fill it up
Fill it up, fill it up
Fill it up, fill
it up Fill it up
Fill it up, fill it up
Fill it up, fill it up
Fill it up Ah,
keep the change
Oh, we'll have
our cake And eat it
Oh, we'll have our
cake And eat it too
Oh, we'll have
our cake And eat it
Oh, we'll have our
cake And eat it too
Never met a girl
like this Like this
Like this
This-this-this-this
Never met a girl
like this Like this
Like this
This-this-this-this
Down in Panama
Up to Canada
Round the world
We la-la-la-la
Sing our song We
is fixing bongs
These sticks and
stones And ha-ha-ha-ha
Laugh them all to
the bank Ha-ha-ha
Laugh them all to
the bank Like this
Fill it up, fill it up
Fill it up, fill it up
Fill it up, fill
it up Fill it up
Fill it up, fill it up
Fill it up, fill it up
Fill it up Ah,
keep the change
Fill it up, fill it up
Fill it up, fill it up
Fill it up, fill
it up Fill it up
Fill it up, fill it up
Fill it up, fill it up
Fill it up Ah,
keep the change
Oh, snap
Oh, we'll have
our cake And eat it
Oh, we'll have our
cake And eat it too
Laugh them off to the
bank Have our cake
Laugh them off to the bank
Have our cake and eat it
Laugh them all to
the bank Like this
Laugh them off to the
bank Have our cake
Laugh them off to the bank
Have our cake and eat it
Laugh them all to
the bank Like this
Oh, we'll have
our cake And eat it
Like this, like this
Oh, we'll have our
cake And eat it too
Like this, like this
Oh, we'll have
our cake And eat it
Laugh them all
like this Like this
Oh, we'll have
our cake And eat it
Ah, like this,
like this Change!