Family Camp (2022) Movie Script
1
Mr. Kapoor, hello,
good morning, sir.
Yes, hey,
I've got the Garden City
proposal laid out
right here in front of me,
and, sir,
it is more
than just an investment.
Uh, what?
Of course, I'm at the office.
No, yeah, you know what?
I'm sorry,
it just got really loud in here.
Uh, I will, uh, I'll call you
back tomorrow.
I apologize, thank you.
Amen and amen, take your seats.
Before we dismiss,
I have a few announcements
for you, church family,
first, parking violations.
Take off your visor.
- And your cleats.
- Why?
So I can smack you with them.
And an appointment
with Jesus
when I sweat through my Dockers.
Don't worry,
we'll give you a spray bottle
- and some sunscreen.
- What was the sermon
about today?
Forgiveness,
here, you can practice.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
And I cannot endorse
this announcement enough,
Family Camp at Lake Katokwah
is the highlight of our year.
You ask our family,
it's the greatest place
on earth.
So, they've literally
never been to Disney?
I'm sorry I was late.
- Again.
- Okay.
Well, what do I gotta do
to make it up to you?
Zip lines, the whole nine.
There's lots of things to do.
How about we go to that camp?
- Church camp?
- Yes.
How about we go someplace
that has air conditioning?
Just look at those cabins,
ice cold air conditioning.
Can I get an amen?
Amen.
Still, Henry would hate it
and Hannah's too old.
It doesn't matter
how old your kids are.
- Huh.
- Our daughter's 19
and she is more pumped
for camp this year
than ever, right, sweetie?
- Woo-woo!
- Woo-woo, sugar bear.
Woo-woo.
Okay, well,
it's just the weird families
who go to camp.
I know, you might think
we're a little weird.
Come on!
But if you can honestly say
there's nothing more important
than investing
in your family, then show up.
That might look
a little weird to the world.
So camp sign ups starts today.
Let's get out there
and have some fun this summer.
Okay, families?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hold on, hey!
Hey, you weren't serious
about that whole,
uh, Family Camp thing, right?
I mean, church camp
is just so Jesus-y.
Says the man
standing in a church.
Yeah,
this is where Jesus belongs,
not camping in a tent with me.
Oh, gosh, Tommy.
Grace, Grace, Grace, Grace,
Grace, Grace, wait, listen.
If I seal this next deal,
I'm a shoo-in for partner,
and then I'll take you
wherever you want to go,
Hawaii, Paris?
Come on, people, I need a nap
and a buffet, chop chop.
Aw, so no bingo today, Grandpa?
Tommy, I don't want a vacation.
I want my husband back.
What are you talking about?
We barely get to see you,
and when we do,
you're not present, you've...
you've got a phone
in front of your face
- or you're talking about golf.
- Golf closes deals.
No deals, no meals.
Did you just come up
with that yourself?
- Uh...
- Don't answer that.
Listen, I really appreciate
all that you do
to provide for our family.
But I'm getting really tired
of surviving
on your emotional leftovers.
Okay, okay.
I'll fix it.
Okay, well, why don't you start
by taking
your little clickety clacketies
and marching right back in there
and signing us up
for Family Camp?
- What?
- You're so cute.
- Oh.
- No, no, seriously, listen.
I love you, but, babe,
let's get one thing straight.
There's absolutely no way
that I am ever going to...
Teenage girl found here
in her natural habitat,
performing one of many...
fruitless grooming rituals.
Hey, Dad, can you please
tell Henry to stop filming me?
Henry, stop filming
your sister, it's creepy.
Don't call him creepy,
he's my budding little artist.
Cut it out, Henry.
He's calling him creepy
because it's creepy, Mom.
What's creepy
is your selfie phase.
Okay, idiot, let's go.
Hey,
don't call your kid an idiot.
No, no, no,
it's that Dale Earnhardt Jr.
Here trying to pass us.
Hmm?
I think that's gonna hit us.
Oh!
Get that spit stick off of me!
Uh!
Tommy!
At last, you little...
That feel good?
You had to do that, right?
- Yeah.
- Mom,
Henry got his nasty candy
all over my face.
It matches
your makeup job perfectly.
I just want to eat
my pistachios in peace, please.
That I'm wearing
a seat belt right now.
- Oh, yeah.
- Guys, hush, come on.
No talking.
You're the annoying one!
Hey, you knock it off!
Here we are, guys,
Camp Katokwah.
- Dad, I'm sorry.
- For what, bud?
I think I'm car sick.
Oh, Henry, oh!
Come on, guys.
Hey, family,
welcome to camp, last name?
- We're the Ackermans with an A.
- Ackermans.
I don't seem to have
an Ackerman here on the list.
You made
the final payment online, right?
Hmm?
Oh my goodness, oh my goodness.
Listen, it happens all the time.
The good news is, we have
yet to turn a family away.
- Yeah?
- So don't worry.
But we're out of cabins,
imagine that.
- Oh, I'm imagining that.
- Ow.
I'll tell you what,
I'm gonna give you one word
and you're gonna tell me
the very first thing
that you think of.
- Yurt.
- No.
We'll take it.
Actually, let's go
for round two here, guys.
- Buckle up, everybody.
- Three words, sharing a yurt.
- Huh?
- With another family.
Oh, that makes it better.
How? How does it make it better?
It's fine, it's fine,
it's... it's fine, it's fine.
I'm telling you guys,
you're gonna love this.
All right,
looks like we're here.
You guys, it's beautiful.
Yeah, it's a luxury resort
for possums.
Guys, this is glamping.
Honey, I've always wanted
to go glamping.
Great, let's go home. I'll throw
the Tempur-Pedic in the backyard
and you can glamp all you want.
I second that.
Wait, this is pretty cool.
Last one in sleeps on the floor.
- Whoa!
- Whoa.
Touch me again
and you'll lose a finger.
- Okay.
- Good thing
- I've got nine more.
- Where do I start?
Hey. Hello?
Hey, can you do me a favor?
Start the car
while you grab the kids?
No, um,
I need you to be here with me.
I'm... I'm literally standing
in front of you.
Okay, I mean,
the texting, the sneaking away
so you can talk to your clients.
I need you to be present.
I mean, the whole reason
that we're doing this
is so that we can have
time together as a family.
Hannah is 16
and... and Henry shot up
like a foot this spring,
and I have no idea
how any of this happened.
Hey, hey, look at me.
I'm here, okay?
Uh, my choice
would have been Maui.
But look at me,
wherever you are,
that's my paradise.
Oh.
I promise, I am 100%...
"Blessed?"
I am so happy
to hear you say that.
Okay, kiddos, ten hut!
That shoulder blade's
healing nicely, Barb.
Get in here, son,
let me see here.
Bingo, bango, bongo.
Hear that,
lumbar is popping like a champ.
- Now where's my yummy bride?
- Here I come, Papi.
Oh, honey, the kids.
How do you think they got here?
- Hmm?
- Oh!
Hi, hello,
yurt family, I'm Grace...
Stop, not another word.
Oh. Oh!
Oh, wow. That is...
Like the way God meant it to be?
You're welcome.
Hey, you must be
the man of the house.
Tommy, I see you've met...
met my wife.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Come on, I'm a hugger.
- Oh, my, hi, oh, wow.
Ah.
Hi.
- Uh.
- They'll warm up.
Okay.
You are gonna wanna
hot compress this and massage
this a little later.
Might I say,
professionally speaking,
of course, your wife
has a lovely neck...
- Oh.
- goose-like.
You don't get your hands
on a neck like that every day.
Now, would you look at that
beautiful yurt?
- Oh, yes, yes...
- Oh.
And at half the price
of the cabins.
Dave Ramsey would
be so proud of us.
- Uh, here's my card.
- Hmm?
"Intergalactic Chiropractic?"
Oh, oh, honey.
My services are free
all week for my camp families.
Thank you.
Let me grab these bags for you.
Thank you,
thank you so much, Eddie.
You can call me
Dr. Eddie.
Right.
Guess I'll get ours
all by myself, then.
- Dear God.
- Thank you, Dr. Eddie.
Please, no.
I know it's there somewhere.
You know, I can't tell you
how wonderful it is
to have another family here
who loves
the full outdoor experience,
- you know?
- Oh, yeah,
yeah, I mean,
we can't get enough of it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Um, I feel like
we should maybe...
It's good,
it's good, just let him.
Look at this guy,
he's here ten minutes
and he already needs a shower.
Um, honey, you're gonna
be sleeping over there.
What, why not by you?
Oh, hey, uh,
we separated the yurt by gender.
Yeah, no offense,
but we just met you guys,
so, uh, instead of doing
background checks,
we will just keep things kosher.
Mm...
- Honey, can we talk a second?
- Yeah.
What? No Wi-Fi.
I can't wait until you realize
- there's no air conditioning.
- What?
I thought you wanted us
to be all together,
- like a family.
- We are together.
Come on,
it's more campy this way.
It smells like old cedar.
It smells like
an old gerbil cage.
- We're changing yurts right now.
- Tommy.
Well, land of Goshen,
that was fun, kids.
Bring it in
for a big spiritual hug.
Hey, uh, how about
we invite you guys
to a little
Sanders family tradition?
Every year, we like to offer up
a humble hymn of praise
to the Lord and consecrate
the yurt as holy ground.
- What do you say?
- You know, we'd love to,
but we're gonna
have to make a change.
I...
Change of key,
I can't sing in A major.
Perfect pitch, I see.
My friend, that makes two of us.
Honey, let's wait a while.
We're still getting settled,
you know?
- You mind holding down the alto?
- You got the melody?
Oh, and a one
and a two and a three.
Kids? Come here.
Yeah!
- Good yell, buddy, that was fun.
- That was something.
You're welcome.
Ooh, it's all about the sauce,
you want some?
- Uh, no, thanks.
- Oh...
you guys eat really healthy.
Oh, yeah, we do the WWJE diet
- every year at camp.
- Oh.
It's really easy, you just look
at your food and go,
"Would Jesus really eat this?"
I talked them into
a discount rate
if we promise not to eat meat.
Well, I'll eat yours then, okay?
It's your funeral, bucko.
Okay.
Let's go sit at that table
with our new friends.
Kapoor Capital,
how may I direct your call?
Yeah, hi,
this is, uh, Tommy Ackerman,
calling for Mr. Kapoor.
Hi, Mr. Ackerman. I'm sorry,
right now he's in a meeting
with Tommy Ackerman.
Uh, that's impossible,
I'm Tommy Ackerman.
No, I'm pretty sure you're not.
Okay, hang on a second.
This Tommy Ackerman, is he, uh,
tall, dark hair, above average
in the handsome department?
No, he's, like,
way above average
in the bald department.
Bramberger.
You always bring your cell phone
to the dinner table?
Hello, are you there?
- Wait for daddy, okay?
- Henry, Henry, don't eat yet.
But I'm starving.
- Uh...
- Mommy,
- can you cut my carrots?
- Sure, sweetie.
Tommy,
you mind saying blessing for us?
Tommy,
- Tommy, are you choking?
- All right, doctor ready...
- Tommy, Tommy!
- to the hizz-ouse.
Here we go, all right,
now stand upward, please.
This is gonna hurt.
Uno, dos, tres.
- Uh!
- No, all right,
elbows on the table.
- Here we go.
- Whoa.
Friends, this is why
we have chiropractors.
Brace for impact...
one, two, three!
- Oh!
- Still nada,
here we go, up we go.
Chin up, beautiful.
Full hand.
Ew.
Eddie!
Oh.
Just doing my good Lord's work.
Thank you, thank you.
I just love
how food brings people together.
Dr. Eddie! Dr. Eddie!
Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie!
Honey, you've got to take
smaller bites.
Dr. Eddie,
Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie!
- Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie!
- It's him, not me, it's him.
Okay, a little bit me,
but mostly him!
- Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie!
- Thank you, thank you.
Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie,
Dr. Eddie!
Come on, come on,
pick up, pick up, pick up.
- Tommy Ackerman.
- Bramberger.
Mr. Kapoor says hello,
by the way.
Look, I don't know
what you're scheming,
but Kapoor's my client
and you're gonna
leave him alone.
Ah, you mean he was your client.
Reception's terrible,
where you at, anyway?
It's none of your business
- where I'm at...
- Where you at? Where you at?
Family Camp,
it's a church thing.
Hang on a second,
did you just say church camp?
All right, don't get
your hopes up, Lucifer.
They don't let in
greedy little Hamburglars
who freeload off their grandma.
Whatever, Gammy likes it.
Yeah, listen up, I'm gonna have
the Garden City deal wrapped up
with Kapoor long before
you get back, and when I do,
I'm not just gonna have
your commission in my pocket.
- Bramberger.
- I'm gonna have
your promotion too, so, uh...
- Bramberger.
- So bye. Uh, click.
Bramberger!
Church camp.
- Hey, we missed you at dinner.
- Oh, I wasn't hungry.
Sons and daughters
of the most high,
welcome
to the ceremony of light.
Carriers of the light,
come forth.
Look, there they are.
This feeling
kind of cultish to you?
Stop it.
Carriers, receive your light.
These three torches
represent the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Spirit,
the eternal light
that shines deep within
the followers of Jesus Christ.
Families,
do you know what happens
when you shine that light
deep into the darkness?
The darkness cannot overcome it.
Moms and dads,
I know you get it.
To you, your families
and your marriages
are what's important.
All you kiddos,
the reason you're here
is 'cause your parents
value you more than they do
a week on a cruise ship,
more than anything.
Hmm.
Families, we are gonna
have a ton of fun this week.
Let's listen for what
God may want to say to us.
He wants to lead.
Will you follow him?
All right, kids,
brush and floss.
- Yes, sir!
- Yes, sir.
Uh, y... you too, kids,
brush and floss.
- Do we even own floss?
- Dad of the year.
Hey, Ackerman, hey, hey.
Saw you admiring this earlier.
Pretty sure I wasn't.
The Camp Katokwah trophy.
You should see this baby
on my mantel at home.
Had this custom case made for it
after we set three new records
the first year.
Can you believe they used to
let folks just take this home,
just sitting in their laps?
Okay, I'll bite.
What's a family gotta do
to win it?
Oh, they gotta be
in all the family competitions,
gotta compete.
The family that takes home
the most points
at the end of the week
takes the cup
from my cold, dead hands.
It's natural selection
for keeping
the best families coming back
to camp year after year,
if you ask me.
Didn't peg this place
for being evolutionist.
Hey, are you crazy?
You can't mention the "E" word
at a Christian camp.
Do you know
what could happen to you?
Probably
a bunch of monkey business.
Exactly.
The Sanders are fun, right?
I mean,
they're different, but fun.
Okay, um...
since when is your idea
of fun being, um,
stranded on Survivor Island
with a vegan family gospel band?
Come on, they're not that bad.
And I don't even know
that they're vegan.
- Hmm?
- Hmm, I mean,
let's think about it
for a second. We could learn
a thing or two from them
about essential oils and such,
and, who knows,
maybe you spend some time
with Dr. Eddie...
and you guys may become BFFs.
No.
- It could happen.
- No, no, okay,
- first of all, okay?
- Hmm.
- Uh, Dr. Eddie...
- Mm-hmm.
Is a chiropractor.
It means he got his doctorate
from a junior college.
That's not true,
you don't know that.
It is true,
it's true, I read it, okay?
- Hmm.
- And second of all,
- listen, I love you.
- Aw.
But if you think
we're gonna be friends
with that guy,
you need your head examined.
No, you do, oh, you know what?
Hold on, I got a head examiner
right here.
Ma'am, if you could
just please be still.
- Get your toothbrush out of my...
- No,
No, I'm gonna, no,
I'm gonna examine...
Don't touch my hair with it,
- it's disgusting!
- Yeah, I'm a professional.
Did you learn that
in junior college?
Yes, I did.
And Lord,
thank you for our children.
May their lives
be a sweet fragrance
- unto you, Lord...
- Yes.
And may the aroma
of their love just waft up
to your throne room, oh, Lord.
Oh, no, they're sacrificing
their children.
Hey, maybe
they're onto something.
There's nothing
like a... like a righteous...
What smells like
corn nuts in here?
- That's my feet.
- You blessed my children
with a smoking hot mother
so they...
Our kids aren't
really sacrificing material.
Not so much.
- Come on...
- Hmm?
- Show them how it's done.
- Huh, what's done?
Yeah, you're gonna
bless this mess.
- No.
- Yes.
- I don't...
- Yes, you do,
- come on, you're doing it.
- Uh.
Kids, um, come on, uh,
we're gonna... we're gonna say
a blessing around you,
on... on you.
- Why?
- It's tradition.
You're only doing it
'cause you saw
the Sanders doing it.
- No, we're not.
- Come on,
come on, huddle up, let's go.
Come on, come on.
Okay, come on,
- just close your eyes.
- Do what he says.
God, uh, we thank you for...
Jesus, mm-hmm, 'cause he's...
he's great, I mean, you know,
I mean, you know that, right?
- I mean, you're great, too.
- Honey.
- Hmm?
- Bless the kids, bless them.
We, uh, we just wanna, uh,
we want you
to bless our children,
just God bless... Well,
you bless them, you bless them.
Yeah, this is our son Henry
and...
this is our daughter Hannah.
- Yeah.
- In case I...
- Hmm?
- hadn't mentioned that
earlier. I don't think I did.
In Jesus's name we pray, amen.
Amen.
- I said, amen.
- Go get them, kiddos.
Pretty sure
God knows our names, Dad.
- Well, you can't be too sure.
- Okay.
Get... We need to get
a good night's rest.
We got some major butt kicking
to do tomorrow.
Next on Texarkana Bigfoot.
Where's the other footprints?
What other footprints?
Well, there's lots of mud
down here
and we only found the one print.
No... we got ourselves
a one-legged big foot.
It's the epic season finale
of Texarkana Bigfoot Bounty.
For when you need energy.
Thanks, Dalmotrax.
For when you're not feeling
like yourself.
Thanks, Dalmotrax.
Too much like yourself.
Families,
welcome to bubble ball.
It's a lot like soccer,
but just a little bit
more contact.
Oh,
- that looks a little violent.
- Mm-hmm.
- Make way!
- No?
Make way
for the returning champions!
Oh, yes!
Now, the winner today
will earn 10,000 points
towards the Camp Katokwah cup.
And up next, the Ackermans
versus the Sanders,
two families now sworn enemies.
Who will draw first blood?
You know
no one can hear you, right?
Just the way I like it.
Line it up, families.
First team to score
three points is the winner.
Sanders, today we are warriors!
Okay, Sanders, let's go.
Are you ready to bubble?
Yeah!
Loose ball, Sanders, loose ball.
I got it, I got it,
I got it. Vic, to you!
Nice pass, Papi.
Here we go, coming through.
- Okay, Victoria.
- No, not my wife!
Sanders coming in hot
for the body block.
What demon invented this game?
She's going, she's going.
Score!
Victoria Sanders
with the score.
Unbelievable.
That's my trophy wife! Whoo!
Whoo!
Sanders, Sanders, Sanders!
- Guys, we can win this.
- Sanders, Sanders!
We should probably stop.
We should probably
just stop right now.
Sanders
take an early lead.
Let's see
if the Ackermans can answer.
Take that, baldy!
Victoria.
Ooh
Uh, I hit her.
Henry Ackerman has the ball.
Oh, we're just gonna call
that a dribble
and hope for the best.
Here comes Barb Sanders.
Get away from me, Barb!
Henry, get up!
That boy's got
brilliant survival instincts.
- Come on, Barb, you got it!
- I'm gonna score!
Toasted and posted,
the Sanders score again.
Dog pile,
my little champions, dog pile.
Come on, Henry. Look,
Barb weighs, like, 60 pounds.
You can't let her
push you around like that.
Why don't you push her around?
Man down, man down!
Game over, Ackerman.
Looks like the Ackermans
have lost a player.
Unfortunately, that means
that there's a forfeit,
Sanders win.
We are the champions!
What? Come on.
Sorry.
- Hey, you guys.
- Hey!
Wow, those look great.
I know, it's kind of cheesy,
but I love it so much.
Are you painting
with mayonnaise?
Hey, guys,
let's go wash up, okay?
Daddy's about done
with his prayer walk
in the woods.
You guys, first year at camp.
You get to do the craft
for new families.
Hold on.
Okay, you're gonna love it.
Here we go.
Okay, so first, what you do
is you count down
the number of days until Henry
and Hannah graduate
from high school.
- Okay.
- Then, together,
count the same number
of beads...
and you put them in the jar.
Then, every day,
you just take one out.
Every day, take one out.
You know,
just every day, take one out...
'cause the days, you know.
Such a great reminder
of how precious
your time is together.
Is this some sort of cruel joke?
- Grace.
- No?
No,
you know, you only have, what?
Two years left with them?
This vase, these beads,
they're gonna make
everyday count.
Do the beads.
There you go.
- Okay.
- Okay.
There you go.
Thank you.
Come on, let's go.
Hey, bud,
what happened out there today?
I mean, I really thought
we had a good chance
- to win bubble ball.
- Meh, I just don't like sports.
I... I know, but if
you put forth some effort,
uh, you might find
a sport you like.
Like what, golf?
Yeah, maybe you and I could
go out sometime to the course?
- No.
- Okay.
Can you get me a snow cone?
Yeah.
Here, in the Amazon rainforest,
it's home to a number
of species,
such as snakes, tigers,
and what I'm gonna soon find,
bigfoots.
What do we have here?
- It's okay.
- It just makes me sad
that my parents immigrated
all the way here
- just to have our...
- Oh, yes,
let's bring
your parents into this.
Nothing more fun
than fighting with four people.
What are you doing?
Nothing, I'm just trying
to catch a big foot on camera.
Don't be a dummy, our dad said
that Noah wouldn't let bigfoots
get on the ark
because they smelled like feet.
Yeah, dummy, why else
do you think there's no big foot
in any of Noah's Ark's
coloring books, huh?
Touch,
clearly I'm the real dummy.
Mm-hmm.
What does...
What does that look even mean?
Why does it always...
Getting pretty close
to the flame there, bucko,
unless you prefer
charred mellows.
You know,
I wasn't gonna say anything,
but, uh, I'm pretty sure s'mores
aren't on the What Would
Jesus Eat diet.
Hey, we're not monsters, okay?
This is a very important
camp experience for our kids.
Even though we do make
sugar-free, organic,
vegan, non-dairy marshmallows.
Oh, I'd expect nothing
but perfection from you, Eddie.
Whoa, somebody
call the fire department,
look at that.
Hey, Dad, will you film me
tearing
this big ol' s'more down?
Uh, yeah, buddy, let's do that.
Let's go right over here,
way over here by the boats.
Ooh! Mm-mm.
Okay, uh, let me see.
All right, how does this work?
Hmm. Bon apptit, kiddos.
Okay.
Okay, here I go!
It just makes me sad
- that my parents immigrated...
- Nope.
- All way here.
- Oh, yeah,
let's bring your parents
into this.
Nothing more fun
than fighting with four people.
Oh, uh, hey, bud,
let's... let's, uh,
let's do... do it again, okay?
No, I know,
I know, I just... I think
you got a better one in you.
Why is nothing I do
ever good enough for you?
No, no, let's just... let's just
give it another shot, okay?
Henry!
Hmm, hmm.
You know, I still can't believe
that the prettiest girl
at camp has never been kissed.
Well, what,
why is that so hard to believe?
I mean, it's cool, I'm sure
you'll find the right guy.
Um, okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Tommy Ackerman.
Did you know
you are the only one
who hasn't signed up
for the Daddy Day Hike?
Oh, you should go.
I would, but, uh, you know what?
The, uh, only reason I came
to camp was just to get to spend
more time with my family.
Well, that's exactly
why you need to do it.
See, all the dads hike up
to Mount Burrow.
They gather by themselves and...
listen to God.
Sign him up.
Excellent!
It's the best thing
you're gonna do
for your family all week.
You're awesome.
All right, Johnsons?
Hey, what's up?
I really don't know
about that guy.
I know, I think he spent
way too much time at camp.
What? Oh, no, no, no, not him.
I mean,
Justin Bieber over there.
- That?
- Yeah.
That's just a camp fling.
She'll be over him in a week.
You know, maybe
you should go on this hike,
spend a little more time
with Eddie.
What?
He just puts a lot
into his family,
- and...
- Oh, come on.
You minimize things,
you know, "Oh, she'll be fine."
You're gonna do this, right?
This... this is why
I came over here,
so that you could compare me
to Eddie Sanders?
Oh, yeah, he's just...
he's just the perfect man.
He's a much better dad than me,
- he's...
- No, no, Tommy,
no, I'm sorry...
I'm sorry.
Honey, that was just
an awful thing to say.
It's fine, it's fine.
I don't think
everything's so perfect
in the Sanders camp, anyway.
Families, welcome to day two
of the Camp Katokwah Challenge.
It's still anyone's game,
so come to compete, let's go!
Ow, Eddie!
Come on, guys, let's go!
Tommy.
- Hey, Eddie?
- Hmm?
Why don't you
let me take this one?
I didn't hire
a private archery coach
just to let you take this
from me.
Honey, it's your weakest event,
you said so yourself.
You always pull the shot
to the left.
Not another word, I got this.
This is my year, I can feel it.
Maiden voyage
for my new bow here.
She's gonna give you nightmares.
All right, easy, Rambo.
Rules of the game are simple,
hit the bulls eye,
get ten points.
It all goes down from there.
Gentlemen, ready your arrows.
One point.
- Oh!
- Yeah!
- Both get four points.
- Great, that's great, honey.
Honey, you're doing great.
- Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
- Huh?
You're still pulling it
to the left.
One point.
It's okay, that's great.
You're on it.
It's okay.
- Zero points.
- That... that didn't count.
That counts.
Four points.
- Come on, Papi.
- Okay, okay.
You've got this, Papi.
Stay to the right,
just stay to the right.
Stay to the right, Eddie.
- Bulls eye!
- Hmm!
Do you want that,
do you want that?
Who's your daddy? Yes!
All right, everyone,
looks like now we're tied at 15.
The highest scoring arrow
is gonna win the game.
Let me know
if you're gonna choke again.
Come on, Tommy, you've got this.
You got this, Dad.
- Four points.
- Yes!
Let's see
what you're made of, Sanders.
Oh.
Zero points,
Ackerman family takes archery.
- Yeah!
- No, no! this isn't right!
No! No! No!
Yes, in your face!
My stroke was off,
that's not fair.
Eddie!
No!
- Hey, babe.
- Oh!
- Ow!
- Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
Where'd you get binoculars?
What?
Uh-oh.
You okay?
Yeah, why?
Nothing,
you're just kind of murdering
that ice cream cone, is all.
I'm stress eating, okay?
This is supposed to be
Family Camp,
not Find-Dumb-Boyfriend Camp.
You know, last year,
we would share an ice cream
and we would be talking
about our favorite flavors,
oh, but this year, nuh-uh.
Instead, she's with some guy
whose intentions
are God only knows what,
and I'm stuck here
with a vase full of beads...
counting all the days that
she should be spending with us,
but is instead
spending with him, oh.
- Brain freeze.
- Hey, hey, come here, come here.
Oh!
What's that?
Nothing.
Nothing is buzzing
in your back pocket.
- Okay.
- Look, don't answer it.
It's... it's about
the promotion.
- Just don't answer it.
- Two seconds...
two, I promise. Hello?
Tommy, quick update,
just had the most delicious
club sandwich with Mr. Kapoor.
Well, I'm sorry
you didn't choke on it.
Geez Louise,
Mr. Kapoor,
you are cruising this path
like a pro.
Whoa, whoa,
easy there, Danica Patrick.
Hey, look, I'll text you later
when I seal the...
Steal the deal.
You get out of that golf cart
right now, do you hear me?
Bramberger, Bramberger!
Grace. Grace, hold up.
No, no, I will not hold up.
I have held up
for the past five years.
I'm sorry.
Listen.
When we get home, I...
I think that we should
go to marriage counseling.
Oh, come on,
we don't need counseling.
I knew that's what you'd say.
I mean, I knew it.
Grace.
Heads up, watch out!
Um...
Girl's got a good arm.
This was clearly
a terrible idea.
You have
reached the voicemail box of...
Alex Kapoor.
Dad?
I'm scared, I want to come down.
Buddy, that's what
the repelling gear is for.
You're not gonna fall.
N... No, I... I don't want
to do this anymore.
I'm freaking out up here
and you don't even care.
No.
Need a little slack
in your line?
Oh, more than you know.
Hey, buddy, mind if I holler
at your dad for a minute?
Yeah, thanks, I'm coming down.
Oh, thank God.
- He's a good kid.
- Yeah, yeah.
Remind me your name again.
- Tommy, we go to your church.
- Yes.
- Golfer, right?
- Uh, yeah, yeah, sorry.
I think I've been showing up
a little late.
No, it's all good.
Seeing you come in
reminds me I only have a minute
or two left in the sermon.
Well, I deserve that.
- Hey, can I be honest with you?
- Sure.
Yeah, um, I think God
and I are good.
He and I are okay.
Uh, it's just, uh...
I'm busy,
there's a lot going on,
and, uh,
church is just another thing
on my list.
Hmm. No judgements here.
See, it doesn't matter
if you're... if you're old
or if you're young.
We are all in different spots
in our journey with God.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Tommy, you...
you know what a compass does?
It tells you where to go?
Not exactly, it turns out
it only has one basic function.
A compass points you
to true north,
and once you got true north,
you can never get lost.
Since we're being honest,
I'm your pastor.
But it's not my job
or the church's job
to lead your family...
it's yours.
See, life can pull you
in many different directions
if you let it, but real talk...
it's pretty easy to get lost
if you don't have a guide.
- Have fun out here.
- Yeah.
Sanders family,
I am proud of you
and all the hustle today.
We destroyed so many families
on the field of battle,
including the Ackermans
in most events.
I know the good Lord
is so pleased with us.
- Eddie?
- Mm-hmm?
We can hear you.
Oh, no,
Little Billy Graham is gone.
Who's Little Billy Graham?
Nobody panic,
he's just the smaller gerbil.
What?
Gentlemen, welcome
to the Ouachita National Forest,
One-point-eight million acres
across two states.
So in light of that,
today we are gonna do
the buddy system.
That means no one goes
anywhere without their buddy.
- Mm-hmm
- So go ahead and pair up.
Now, Eddie Sanders
has volunteered
to be the caboose
so that we can keep
the entire group together.
Eddie, who's your lucky buddy?
That would be my yurt made,
Tommy Ackerman.
Oh, no, sorry,
Pastor Dave and I were, um...
Not on the same page
All right, let's head out.
Let's go, bucko.
Yeah, did you pack enough
for a day hike?
Well, it's a little light
for an Eagle Scout,
but if we get lost,
the good Lord always provides.
Am I right? I'm right.
I have an offer for you,
free of charge.
I know it's gonna sound
too good to be true,
but I can't help it, I like you.
It's starting to smell
like a pyramid scheme.
Oh, heavens no.
The essential oils
are my wife's department.
Nay, nay, nay,
what the good Lord laid
upon my heart is for you
to have some mentors hip
in parenting with me.
It'll be the best
five years of your life.
People don't call me
the mentoring Miyagi
- for nothing.
- Mm-hmm.
Name one person
who calls you Miyagi.
Alto, you stay right here
and think about it.
I'm gonna hop off the trail
to the little boy's room.
Okay, hey.
Hurry up,
I don't want to get left behind.
Ah, I don't want
to get bit by any bugs.
Oops, that's poison ivy.
Come on, come on.
Aha.
Sweet manna from heaven.
Daddy's bringing home the honey.
Run, run!
- Get that thing away from me!
- My skin is on fire!
- Get away from me!
- It's free!
Get rid of it!
It's free organic honey!
That's a co-pay.
Man, my face stings so bad.
Do you see anything?
No, no, I don't, mm-mm, no.
You look... you look good.
You look good.
Oh, praise God, I prayed
for a hedge of protection
and the good Lord
always comes through every time.
Um, yeah, if you stop breathing,
just say something, okay?
- Ten-four.
- Okay, great, great, great.
Hey, um, that, uh...
that fort back there,
I was thinking...
Eddie! Eddie, Eddie?
Quick, give me a shot
of epinephrine in my pouch.
Geez, how much stuff
you got... Oh, found it.
Okay, hold on...
Okay, now what?
Before you stab me,
you need to massage my thigh.
- Um, nope.
- Do you want me to die?
Hmm, well...
You have to massage my leg
in the spot
where you're gonna stab me
in for at least ten seconds
- or it does not work.
- Okay.
Oh, oh, that feels kind of nice.
Please stop talking.
Okay, uh, you might want to,
I don't know,
- say a prayer or something.
- Okay, all right,
let me grab my keys.
- My hand!
- You put in there!
- Do it again.
- Again?
You have to stab me
in the legs or the buttocks
or it does not work.
The legs it is,
let me dust this off real quick.
No, no, no,
I have a second pen in here.
Of course you do.
- Oh, hey.
- Okay, okay.
- I'm starting to see Heaven.
- No.
Hey, hey,
Uncle Roy, is that you?
Do you still make
those flapjacks?
I want some flapjacks,
Uncle Roy.
- No, tell Roy to go away.
- Make it big flapjacks,
- Uncle Roy.
- No, no, don't take those.
Melt that butter, Uncle Roy.
Don't. You tell Roy to get away.
Roy, get away!
The kitchen's closed.
Hmm.
Huh?
Wow, that thing works fast.
Yeah, that is pure adrenalin,
my friend.
Hey, I want to go for a run.
You want to go for a run?
I want to go for one,
let's go for a run!
Okay, hot pants,
why don't you...
Come on!
Uh, finally,
some mother daughter time...
- Okay, okay, careful, Mom.
- Ooh, that is slippery.
All right, okay, Mom, okay, Mom.
Just whatever you do,
- don't let go.
- Okay.
- Hey, there.
- Oh, hey.
- Want to toss the 'bee around?
- Yeah, sure. Um, hey, Mom?
Mom?
Oh, okay, is it cool
if I go hang with Corbin?
- Thanks.
- After you.
Thank you, so how have you been?
Uh, yeah, pretty good.
Come on, come on, God.
I'm good.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
Were you tickling my face?
Yeah, I was,
I tried shaking you violently,
but all that did
was make me feel good.
That's the way.
That is not a trail.
The trail winds
to the left up there quite a bit
and I'm 100% positive
that if we cut through
these woods,
we will find ourselves
back on the trail
and probably ahead of the group.
Hey, buddy, come on.
This is our story
to tell our wives,
how we braved the wilderness
and fought our way back home.
Come on.
Come on.
Come, come.
Okay, but quit talking to me
like I'm a dog.
- Good boy, Tommy.
- Stop it.
Eight, ten, twelve, fourteen,
sixteen, eighteen...
Has anyone seen Tommy or Eddie?
Tommy, Eddie?
Oh, no.
I should have known better
than to trust you.
You have no idea where we are.
Well, good luck crossing that.
I've crossed it a dozen times.
That, you've crossed that?
Things like it.
Mentorship tip numero uno,
never ask your kids
to do something
that you aren't willing
to do yourself.
In this illustration,
I will play the brave father
that has already conquered
the river,
and you will play
the scared little boy.
Just picture yourself as Henry.
Yeah, please don't talk
about my son.
Your son,
he's the quiet, reclusive type.
If I've seen it once,
I've seen it 100,000 times.
If you do not
get a handle on this,
you're gonna have
a hoarder for a son.
Hey, Eddie, shut your mouth
before I shut it for you.
Today,
he is a quiet little bookworm.
Tomorrow,
he is stuck in an apartment
with a bunch of junk
that he bought
at a home shopping channel
with your credit card, bucko.
- Hey, Eddie.
- Yeah?
No, no!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
My glasses.
No, not my mustache!
I am a chiropractor!
- You're so dead.
- You don't know me.
No, who consecrates
a yurt with a harmonica song?
I do, I do with pleasure,
with pleasure.
Well, it's not pleasurable
to anyone else!
You don't know anything!
Anything, anything, anything!
Uh...
Mind if I join you?
Sure.
Do you want to talk about it,
- or...
- No, no, I don't.
Okay.
I mean, no offense, but, like,
your marriage
is just a little too perfect
for me to, you know,
talk to you about my marriage.
So I'm just,
I'm not even gonna go there.
You know, like,
here's the thing, okay?
I thought
that we would come here
and that my family
would just magically become
the family
that I've always wanted
them to be.
Whatever you think about me
and my family, uh,
you know, things get
a lot more complicated
when you get a peek
behind the curtain, so.
Oh, please,
you're like
the perfect Christian family.
You even eat like Jesus
would eat, for crying out loud.
We're kind of falling apart.
Ooh, I just said that out loud.
We're falling apart.
Uh.
Okay, um...
go on.
I'm really good
at keeping our secret
and I put a smile on at church
and I pray and I pray
and I pray, Grace, I pray,
and I have no voice.
I have no voice in my marriage,
and Eddie controls everything,
everything.
And I give my opinions,
but it's like
he doesn't even care, you know,
he doesn't even listen.
And I don't even have
the strength to make him care,
you know?
And I don't know how much longer
I can go on feeling like...
I don't matter.
I did not see that coming.
- Sorry, that was like, blah.
- Oh, no, it's okay.
Ladies,
I don't mean to interrupt,
but we have a problem.
Get in line.
Oh, you're serious.
I can't find my lunch anywhere.
So let me get this straight.
You've got these
anti-hypothermia
space age blankets
in your backpack,
you've got an epinephrine shot,
a backup epinephrine shot,
but you got no map,
no compass, nothing?
Correctamundo.
Oh, my stomach just ate itself.
Oh, I forgot to mention
that my blood sugar
was getting a little low,
so I ate your lunch.
Come again?
I was addressing a medical need.
Hey, it's okay, mi amigo.
When God closes a door,
he opens a Chick-fil-A.
So you stole my lunch?
This is amazing, you realize
we could die out here, right?
Whoa, bucko, hey,
we don't need to
look at it that way.
We need to look at this
as an opportunity
to grow our faith.
You know what,
the only reason I came
on this stupid hike
was to grow my faith.
- Hey, let it out.
- Okay, I will.
You know, I thought
maybe I'd come out here,
he'd say something,
he'd show me something.
Instead, I'm stuck here
with Dr. Phil's demented
twin brother when I should be
back at the camp singing
"Kumbaya" with my family.
How's that make you feel?
I'll tell you
how it makes me feel, all right?
I feel like if God is in control
of all this, then I don't know
if I'm really
that interested in faith.
Please stop that.
Stop what?
That.
Stop this?
Yes, that.
Can't.
- May I see that?
- Hmm?
Can I see that?
Thanks.
What you gonna do now,
little bald man?
You've reached Tommy Ackerman,
senior investment strategist
for Wiley and Edmund.
I'm not available right now.
So we've got
the sheriff's office,
Park Services, and great team
of volunteers searching
for your husbands right now.
They're gonna be out there
for two hours...
but they're gonna hit it again,
first light.
And then what?
You know, these guys
are really good at what they do.
I think the best thing
for right now
- is if y'all stay put.
- We stay put, sure.
We just sit still,
stay put, thank you for that.
We'll just stay put
while our husbands are out there
that have never been
out there before, like...
Joel?
Hey, Grace?
They're coming back.
You hear me?
I really believe that.
I know that.
I'm gonna pray for us, okay?
Okay.
Sometimes I like to pray
in my prayer language,
- is that all right?
- Um, you mean like in tongues?
- Like in Spanish.
- Oh,
yeah, that's good, that's good.
- My dad plays the harmonica.
- Hmm, sounds like a good man.
He never really came
around much.
Still doesn't.
And if I'm honest,
I'm just living out
my greatest fear
of becoming just like him.
And the older my kids get...
I realize, I...
I don't know them.
This may surprise you
to hear this, but, uh...
I was afraid to have kids.
My parents,
they did the best they could,
but they didn't really leave me
with the best blueprint
to raise my own kids with.
And then I saw the twins
in the delivery room...
holding each other...
and this...
extra valve
in my heart opened up,
one I didn't even know I had.
I love them so much.
And yet, I'm still afraid
I'm gonna mess them up somehow.
My grandmother always said
it's, uh, family...
it's God's plan
and our responsibility.
- Hmm. I like that.
- Hmm. Yeah.
Don't worry, mi amigo,
we are going to find
our way back home
to our families, I promise.
Now, that's a roaring fire.
Oh, quick, get them off!
I'm trying!
- Ouch.
- Hot!
- Stomp them out!
- Hot!
- My leg hairs!
- Not today, Satan!
No, no.
Oh, they look good.
- Do they?
- Yeah.
Okay, Rescue Alpha.
We're gonna call it a night.
We'll be back at 0500.
Okay.
Look, I know
I don't ask for much, God...
because...
you know, I like to do
everything myself.
But it turns out...
that I really love him
and, um, and I need him, so...
please bring him home.
- Good morning.
- Hey, morning.
- Hope I didn't wake you.
- No.
How do I look?
- Fantastic.
- That's right, fantastic.
- Mom, Mom!
- What?
Henry's gone.
It says he went to go find dad.
Okay, we believe
the boy is most likely
in this area here,
and the chances of survival
in this forest are falling
by the hour
for all three of them,
so we gotta move.
Grace, Grace!
- Grace. Grace!
- What?
I can't let you go in there.
You say that like
you can stop me.
My son is out there.
I understand, that's why
we're doubling our efforts.
Yeah, that's great, it's just
not good enough, it's not.
Grace,
that's not just some city park
you're walking into there.
It's the Ouachita
National Forest,
some of the roughest terrain
you'll ever encounter, Grace!
God knows
every square inch of it.
He knows where they are.
So when is he gonna tell us?
Cookie,
I need to borrow your truck.
- What for?
- It's an emergency.
Oh, it sounds like
my kind of party.
So, where are we going?
We've got a little boy
to go rescue.
Mentorship lesson numero dos.
Tell me about this,
uh, cell phone
that you always seem to be on.
This is amazing, we're here
in the middle of the woods,
and yet I still seem
to have a nagging wife.
Well, at least you have
a wife that cares enough to nag.
Um, it's my job, right?
I mean, some people
work in construction,
some people work in a classroom.
I do most of my work
on the phone.
How do you set boundaries?
For what?
Well, I mean, if you work
in a construction yard,
you wouldn't be driving
the bulldozer
to the dinner table,
now would you, no.
Try using the sharp side.
Hmm, hmm.
Yeah, it's not that easy, okay?
I'm up for a promotion.
If I get it,
it changes everything, right?
I mean, who doesn't want to
not have to worry about money?
Get a new house,
a new car, don't have to worry
about retirement, I mean...
- ATVs!
- ATVs?
- Hmm, what, ATVs?
- Help, somebody!
Please help!
Hey, hey, hey,
come on, let's go.
No, no, this has
"Thou shalt not steal."
Written all over it.
We can cover ten times
the area with these, okay?
We'll be back by dinner.
Four wheelers just don't appear
in the middle of nowhere.
They belong to somebody.
Okay, okay.
I'm sorry, I just,
I missed my family,
and I'm so hungry.
Tonight is taco night.
No, it's stealing.
I forgot about the guacamole.
No, no, it's wrong.
Dad?
Dad!
Hello?
Okay, I'm done waiting,
we're losing daylight.
- It's now or never.
- Hmm.
Did you say something?
Well, hey, little fella.
Who's daddy's big boy?
I'm daddy's big boy.
Tommy?
Tommy!
Tommy!
- Tommy!
- Please, stop screaming.
- My head's killing me.
- My legs feel like jelly.
That's the tranquilizer.
Now it's rated
for a 700-pound primate.
You're liable to feel
a little weak
- in the knees for a spell.
- Wait, I know you guys.
Yeah, yeah, you're on that,
uh, you're on that TV show,
- The Bigfoot Hunters.
- Always nice to meet a fan.
They tried to steal our ATVs,
you cornball joker.
I retract my statement.
We're... we're not...
we're not thieves.
We're just trying
to get back to our families.
But, you see, I got one little
- teensy tiny problem.
- One.
You see, I ain't never
met a thief who weren't a liar.
Wow, I could sew that
on a pillow.
- Thank you.
- I'm sorry, um,
- were you calling him a liar?
- I did.
That man is my friend
and he is no liar,
and if you're calling
him a liar,
you're calling me a liar,
and nobody calls me a liar.
- Stop talking.
- You know what, we're fine.
You can go on your way,
just skedaddle. Good day, sirs.
I said good day.
All right.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Bye now.
He... he's just kidding, okay?
We... we love your show, we do.
- Oh.
- I'm not kidding,
fame has gone to your head.
No one watches your TV show,
now scram.
Come on.
Please tell them you're kidding.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.
- Give me your honey pot.
- But you said you wasn't hungry.
- The honey pot ain't for me,
you doofus McSpaz-a-tron,
come on. Hand it over.
Now.
Now, these woods,
this is home to a lot more
than just deer and coyote.
Mm, mm, mm.
Now, we'll come back
and untie you
in a day or two
when we're done squatching,
that is...
if you ain't already
been tooked.
Please don't go!
That was scary.
Please, don't leave us!
Look on the bright side,
we got our honey, huh?
You don't understand,
they were our last hope.
I'm starting to think
you don't want to be rescued.
Well, clearly
I was using reverse psychology,
and clearly I still need
some practice at it.
The only thing that is clear
to me is how clueless
you actually are.
I mean, you can't be normal
for one minute, can you?
Everything that comes out
of your mouth
causes every bit of me
to cringe.
It... it's like...
It... it's like
your head is just
a... a giant cheese grater
and I'm lactose intolerant.
When you open up your mouth,
it's just grade A cheddar
just starts coming out.
It's just.
And in the midst of all of that,
I have to ask this question,
who...
who greets people
by giving them back adjustments?
Who in the world does that?
- Well, I do.
- Listen, do me a favor.
The next time you have
something that you just have
to say, don't,
because nobody
wants to hear you.
I get it.
I get it.
You're the guy
that always gets picked, right?
Never left standing there,
the third wheel in a bunch
of two-man buddy systems.
Always invited to lunch,
always invited to the parties.
And then there's me.
Clueless, cringey...
not normal Eddie Sanders.
I've got news for you.
God doesn't make junk,
and that includes me.
No matter what
you may think of me...
I'm not junk.
I just don't know
what I would do...
- if it was just me and mom.
- Look, they're gonna find them.
Everything will be okay,
I'm sure of it.
What are you...
what are you doing?
- Come on, don't be a tease.
- Excuse me?
Uh, okay, cool, um,
I'll catch you around, I guess.
Wha... what?
Yeah, see you around, I guess.
- Henry!
- Henry!
Henry!
Headquarters here, go ahead,
Rescue Alpha.
We're setting
it down for the night.
The trail ran cold
over an hour ago
and the dogs are getting tired.
Hello?
Dad?
Is that you?
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
I got you on camera,
so you can just come out...
please?
Wolves?
Wolves, wolves,
help, help! There's wolves!
Henry?
Hey, I'm really sorry
about what I said earlier.
- It's fine, whatever.
- I just don't want to die
out here.
It may be happening
sooner than you think.
Oh, well, hello, little fella.
Who's a good boy?
I need one more chance.
I get it now.
Grace, Hannah, Henry...
they need me.
And I think
for the first time in my life...
I'm ready.
I'm ready, God.
I've been going
in so many directions.
I need to find true north.
So if you'll have me...
I'll give you everything.
Just please give me
one more chance.
Eddie, Eddie, the ropes,
they just broke, it's a miracle!
Oh.
Well, well,
yeah, it's a miracle.
I mean,
it's been like
a... a nonstop prayer service
on this side of the tree.
Have you been crying?
You've been crying.
A little help?
Mom, Mom!
Henry.
I'm so sorry,
I looked for him all night.
I tried so hard.
I couldn't find him. Sorry.
Thank you.
Me and you are gonna have
kids like that one day.
Hmm?
I don't feel good about this.
It's our only chance, come on.
Hmm.
They've got cheddar wieners.
Get over here.
Do you want one?
See, Mr. Beef,
I told you them was thieves.
Beef. Beef.
Morning.
Put him in a choker, will you?
Thought you could
pull one over on us.
No, look ahead.
- Hi.
- Oh, hello again.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You wouldn't want to leave
your friend behind now,
- would you?
- Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.
Come on, now, step away
from it nice and slow like.
Yeah, nice and slow like.
Well, well, well.
What we gonna do
with these two now?
Don't do anything crazy, okay?
Just, um, think...
think about your TV show.
- Oh, show's over.
- Huh?
Yeah, the network canceled it.
Is it because
you couldn't find big foot?
You watch it too?
Let me ask you something.
You know what it's like to have
your dream come true
reality TV show canceled, huh?
Do you? Do you!
Uh, it's... it's just a really
specific question.
No, huh, no.
Well, it's very difficult.
It's very difficult.
And now I think
I'm gonna have to cancel you.
Wait, that was unloaded
the whole time?
Bigfoot!
- What?
- Where, where?
Eddie, run!
- I'll never walk again!
- Sir, please don't go.
No, you don't. L2.
L4. And sleep.
- Eddie, you're a murderer.
- No, Tommy, I'm a chiropractor.
Oh, oh.
Come on!
You are not Rambo.
Pull to the left, baby.
Drive!
- Come on, it's gonna blow! Whoa!
- I got you,
little Squatchie.
That was amazing,
- Eddie, you did it.
- No, we did it.
Stop, stop, beaver, stop!
- Whoa!
- Watch out!
Bees, uh, I hate you,
I hate you, bees.
I hate them, I hate the bees!
Hey, hey, hey, hold on, hold on.
If that's the bees...
- this is the trail
- We found the trail?
- We found the trail.
- We found the trail.
We found the trail,
we found the trail!
We found the trail,
we found the trail.
We found the trail,
we found the trail.
- That just happened.
- Yeah.
Oh, let me gather
this stuff right here.
- I'll help you.
- You get going here, okay?
No, you don't need to help.
- No, it's good.
- You don't need to help,
- I got... I just need to...
- I got it.
What is this?
I didn't know it was in there.
Hey.
Hey! Look me in the eyes
and say that.
I... I didn't know... Okay, okay.
We were never really lost.
I, uh...
I knew where we were
the whole time.
Of course you did.
- You see, the truth is...
- No.
Don't.
I don't want to hear it.
Victoria doesn't love me
anymore!
What are you talking about?
She... she doesn't
love me anymore.
We're just...
we're just roommates,
just... just raising our kids.
Divorce isn't an option,
so we just exist.
She doesn't even want
to be around me...
so I just, uh, I just thought
if... if they'd think...
that I was hurt or even dead
and then miraculously returned,
- then things would be...
- No, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Let me make sure
I understand this.
You're stuck
in a passionless marriage...
so you dragged me,
a complete stranger,
into this twisted,
manipulated, made up story.
You almost
get the both of us killed.
At the least,
you wreck our wives
and children, for what?
So you can come in
and sweep her off her feet?
Hmm, well, I don't know
about sweeping her off her feet,
but I really thought
if we could...
Your wife was right.
No, we have to finish
this together.
- We're finished.
- I can't go back by myself.
You stay away from me.
Oh, God, no.
- Hey. Here you go.
- Thank you.
Hey, come on, it's dad!
There he is.
Tommy? Tommy!
- Tommy!
- Grace, Grace!
- Tommy, Tommy?
- Grace?
I thought you were...
I'm never leaving you again,
never.
Dad!
Oh, come here.
I was looking for you
in the woods
all night by myself.
- What?
- Um.
I'm sorry, I just wanted you
to be proud of me.
I couldn't be more proud of you.
You're perfect
just the way you are.
- Hi.
- I love you, sweetheart.
- I love you.
- Oh.
Where is he?
Where's Eddie?
- Papi.
- Dad!
Let's go.
I thought
you weren't coming back.
What you got there?
I was thinking about that jar
with all of those beads in it,
and I think it's just
a really terrible idea.
Me too.
How about
instead of taking beads out,
we put beads in for every day
that we have with each other
from this moment on?
Mom, I'm gonna need you
my first day of college.
I'm gonna need you
for my first real job...
for my first serious boyfriend.
Mom, I'm gonna need you
for everything.
So...
You see the kids?
Oh, I told them to get us a seat
next to Tommy and Grace.
Oh, no, bad idea.
Why don't we just let them
have their own personal space
for the last night of camp
- because that's a big deal.
- Hey, Eddie?
I need to talk...
and I just...
I need you to just listen, okay?
I've been praying for God
to change some things...
in our marriage.
But what I realized is that
the change starts with me.
God calls husbands
to love their wives
like Christ loves the church...
- Vic, let's be real clear...
- Eddie...
God doesn't control us.
He doesn't make
all the decisions for us.
He doesn't take away our voice.
And he loves...
what I have to say.
That is what I need.
I need my voice back.
Let's hear it for the Brewers!
Woo-woo, sugar bear!
Look at that.
Now, our next award
is the Badge of Courage.
Now, this comes as no surprise.
You've all heard the story
of heroism
and the conquering of nature.
Well, this award
is being given to...
Eddie Sanders...
for saving Tommy
from choking to death
in the first night of camp.
Thank you, Cookie.
Don't go anywhere, Eddie.
You see, that Badge of Courage
has earned you
an extra 10,000 points...
making the Sanders
the winners
of the Camp Katokwah Cup
for the third year in a row!
Mind if I say something?
No.
Friends, um...
thank you for this great honor,
but, um...
I... I can't accept it.
Um...
I'm...
I'm a fake.
I've made my wife miserable.
Vic, you're right.
I have not loved you
like Christ loved the church.
And I am so sorry.
That's on me, that's on me.
I'm gonna go down there, okay?
The perception I've made
of my family, uh...
well, it's a trophy...
it's a golden idol, which, um...
- well, it makes me, uh...
- A liar?
Yeah.
The truth is I...
I got the two of us
lost in the woods.
And I did it on purpose.
An ill-conceived attempt
to try to win
the affections back
from my wife, I'm sorry.
- Hey, hey, here, I got it.
- Hmm?
I got it.
I think, um,
when we were in the forest...
I think we both learned
a lot about life...
faith...
and family.
That wouldn't have happened
if we didn't get lost
in the woods.
See, I told you, God had a plan.
- Shut it.
- Okay.
- Seriously.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Um. What I'm trying
to say is, uh...
I've been forgiven a lot.
So how can I not forgive?
Yeah.
Hey.
I forgive you.
- Hmm, me?
- Yeah, you.
- You deserve this.
- Oh, I know.
Come on, guys.
You were terrible
at bubble ball,
but you are great
at everything else.
Thank you for hearing me.
You're worth listening to.
So you'd better get used to it.
I love you.
I love you, too, Eddie Sanders.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
You wanna play us out?
I'd love to. Um...
All right, follow along
with me right here.
All right.
Here we are, oh, snap.
You guys, I nailed the chair.
Family Camp.
Drive!
Reset.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
Pastor Dave.
No, no, don't... don't 'bee me.
Ow.
Mom, Mom, my mic fell.
Oh, you're a hot mess right now.
Oh, that's right,
we found the trail...
We found a mic, we found a mic,
we found a mic, it's right here.
We found the mic, there it is.
I'm thinking
that my kiddos love you, Lord.
Oh, dear, let them
spread that love
because it is like holy water
to a vampire.
Hey, somebody call
the fire... fire department.
- Somebody call the...
- Watch out.
Whoa, somebody call
the fire department!
Got it.
Mom, Henry's gone.
Oh, well.
- I'm a big boy, copy, copy?
- Copy, copy.
- Copy the big boy.
- You're a big boy, copy.
I don't want a vacation.
It's her, it's not me.
I'm so sorry, I haven't gotten
a lot of sleep lately.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I tried so hard.
We have to do that again,
that was hilarious.
Hey, I just broke...
Sorry, let's do that again.
Right here.
When God shuts a door,
he always opens a window.
No, I will not hold up,
I have... Hold, yeah, yeah.
Let's do that again.
Sorry, I swallowed
a popcorn kernel.
And cut.
- Last one?
- Last one.
- You take it.
- No, I couldn't.
I insist.
You're a true friend, Mr. Beef.
Trickety wickedy.
Mr. Kapoor, hello,
good morning, sir.
Yes, hey,
I've got the Garden City
proposal laid out
right here in front of me,
and, sir,
it is more
than just an investment.
Uh, what?
Of course, I'm at the office.
No, yeah, you know what?
I'm sorry,
it just got really loud in here.
Uh, I will, uh, I'll call you
back tomorrow.
I apologize, thank you.
Amen and amen, take your seats.
Before we dismiss,
I have a few announcements
for you, church family,
first, parking violations.
Take off your visor.
- And your cleats.
- Why?
So I can smack you with them.
And an appointment
with Jesus
when I sweat through my Dockers.
Don't worry,
we'll give you a spray bottle
- and some sunscreen.
- What was the sermon
about today?
Forgiveness,
here, you can practice.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
And I cannot endorse
this announcement enough,
Family Camp at Lake Katokwah
is the highlight of our year.
You ask our family,
it's the greatest place
on earth.
So, they've literally
never been to Disney?
I'm sorry I was late.
- Again.
- Okay.
Well, what do I gotta do
to make it up to you?
Zip lines, the whole nine.
There's lots of things to do.
How about we go to that camp?
- Church camp?
- Yes.
How about we go someplace
that has air conditioning?
Just look at those cabins,
ice cold air conditioning.
Can I get an amen?
Amen.
Still, Henry would hate it
and Hannah's too old.
It doesn't matter
how old your kids are.
- Huh.
- Our daughter's 19
and she is more pumped
for camp this year
than ever, right, sweetie?
- Woo-woo!
- Woo-woo, sugar bear.
Woo-woo.
Okay, well,
it's just the weird families
who go to camp.
I know, you might think
we're a little weird.
Come on!
But if you can honestly say
there's nothing more important
than investing
in your family, then show up.
That might look
a little weird to the world.
So camp sign ups starts today.
Let's get out there
and have some fun this summer.
Okay, families?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hold on, hey!
Hey, you weren't serious
about that whole,
uh, Family Camp thing, right?
I mean, church camp
is just so Jesus-y.
Says the man
standing in a church.
Yeah,
this is where Jesus belongs,
not camping in a tent with me.
Oh, gosh, Tommy.
Grace, Grace, Grace, Grace,
Grace, Grace, wait, listen.
If I seal this next deal,
I'm a shoo-in for partner,
and then I'll take you
wherever you want to go,
Hawaii, Paris?
Come on, people, I need a nap
and a buffet, chop chop.
Aw, so no bingo today, Grandpa?
Tommy, I don't want a vacation.
I want my husband back.
What are you talking about?
We barely get to see you,
and when we do,
you're not present, you've...
you've got a phone
in front of your face
- or you're talking about golf.
- Golf closes deals.
No deals, no meals.
Did you just come up
with that yourself?
- Uh...
- Don't answer that.
Listen, I really appreciate
all that you do
to provide for our family.
But I'm getting really tired
of surviving
on your emotional leftovers.
Okay, okay.
I'll fix it.
Okay, well, why don't you start
by taking
your little clickety clacketies
and marching right back in there
and signing us up
for Family Camp?
- What?
- You're so cute.
- Oh.
- No, no, seriously, listen.
I love you, but, babe,
let's get one thing straight.
There's absolutely no way
that I am ever going to...
Teenage girl found here
in her natural habitat,
performing one of many...
fruitless grooming rituals.
Hey, Dad, can you please
tell Henry to stop filming me?
Henry, stop filming
your sister, it's creepy.
Don't call him creepy,
he's my budding little artist.
Cut it out, Henry.
He's calling him creepy
because it's creepy, Mom.
What's creepy
is your selfie phase.
Okay, idiot, let's go.
Hey,
don't call your kid an idiot.
No, no, no,
it's that Dale Earnhardt Jr.
Here trying to pass us.
Hmm?
I think that's gonna hit us.
Oh!
Get that spit stick off of me!
Uh!
Tommy!
At last, you little...
That feel good?
You had to do that, right?
- Yeah.
- Mom,
Henry got his nasty candy
all over my face.
It matches
your makeup job perfectly.
I just want to eat
my pistachios in peace, please.
That I'm wearing
a seat belt right now.
- Oh, yeah.
- Guys, hush, come on.
No talking.
You're the annoying one!
Hey, you knock it off!
Here we are, guys,
Camp Katokwah.
- Dad, I'm sorry.
- For what, bud?
I think I'm car sick.
Oh, Henry, oh!
Come on, guys.
Hey, family,
welcome to camp, last name?
- We're the Ackermans with an A.
- Ackermans.
I don't seem to have
an Ackerman here on the list.
You made
the final payment online, right?
Hmm?
Oh my goodness, oh my goodness.
Listen, it happens all the time.
The good news is, we have
yet to turn a family away.
- Yeah?
- So don't worry.
But we're out of cabins,
imagine that.
- Oh, I'm imagining that.
- Ow.
I'll tell you what,
I'm gonna give you one word
and you're gonna tell me
the very first thing
that you think of.
- Yurt.
- No.
We'll take it.
Actually, let's go
for round two here, guys.
- Buckle up, everybody.
- Three words, sharing a yurt.
- Huh?
- With another family.
Oh, that makes it better.
How? How does it make it better?
It's fine, it's fine,
it's... it's fine, it's fine.
I'm telling you guys,
you're gonna love this.
All right,
looks like we're here.
You guys, it's beautiful.
Yeah, it's a luxury resort
for possums.
Guys, this is glamping.
Honey, I've always wanted
to go glamping.
Great, let's go home. I'll throw
the Tempur-Pedic in the backyard
and you can glamp all you want.
I second that.
Wait, this is pretty cool.
Last one in sleeps on the floor.
- Whoa!
- Whoa.
Touch me again
and you'll lose a finger.
- Okay.
- Good thing
- I've got nine more.
- Where do I start?
Hey. Hello?
Hey, can you do me a favor?
Start the car
while you grab the kids?
No, um,
I need you to be here with me.
I'm... I'm literally standing
in front of you.
Okay, I mean,
the texting, the sneaking away
so you can talk to your clients.
I need you to be present.
I mean, the whole reason
that we're doing this
is so that we can have
time together as a family.
Hannah is 16
and... and Henry shot up
like a foot this spring,
and I have no idea
how any of this happened.
Hey, hey, look at me.
I'm here, okay?
Uh, my choice
would have been Maui.
But look at me,
wherever you are,
that's my paradise.
Oh.
I promise, I am 100%...
"Blessed?"
I am so happy
to hear you say that.
Okay, kiddos, ten hut!
That shoulder blade's
healing nicely, Barb.
Get in here, son,
let me see here.
Bingo, bango, bongo.
Hear that,
lumbar is popping like a champ.
- Now where's my yummy bride?
- Here I come, Papi.
Oh, honey, the kids.
How do you think they got here?
- Hmm?
- Oh!
Hi, hello,
yurt family, I'm Grace...
Stop, not another word.
Oh. Oh!
Oh, wow. That is...
Like the way God meant it to be?
You're welcome.
Hey, you must be
the man of the house.
Tommy, I see you've met...
met my wife.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Come on, I'm a hugger.
- Oh, my, hi, oh, wow.
Ah.
Hi.
- Uh.
- They'll warm up.
Okay.
You are gonna wanna
hot compress this and massage
this a little later.
Might I say,
professionally speaking,
of course, your wife
has a lovely neck...
- Oh.
- goose-like.
You don't get your hands
on a neck like that every day.
Now, would you look at that
beautiful yurt?
- Oh, yes, yes...
- Oh.
And at half the price
of the cabins.
Dave Ramsey would
be so proud of us.
- Uh, here's my card.
- Hmm?
"Intergalactic Chiropractic?"
Oh, oh, honey.
My services are free
all week for my camp families.
Thank you.
Let me grab these bags for you.
Thank you,
thank you so much, Eddie.
You can call me
Dr. Eddie.
Right.
Guess I'll get ours
all by myself, then.
- Dear God.
- Thank you, Dr. Eddie.
Please, no.
I know it's there somewhere.
You know, I can't tell you
how wonderful it is
to have another family here
who loves
the full outdoor experience,
- you know?
- Oh, yeah,
yeah, I mean,
we can't get enough of it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Um, I feel like
we should maybe...
It's good,
it's good, just let him.
Look at this guy,
he's here ten minutes
and he already needs a shower.
Um, honey, you're gonna
be sleeping over there.
What, why not by you?
Oh, hey, uh,
we separated the yurt by gender.
Yeah, no offense,
but we just met you guys,
so, uh, instead of doing
background checks,
we will just keep things kosher.
Mm...
- Honey, can we talk a second?
- Yeah.
What? No Wi-Fi.
I can't wait until you realize
- there's no air conditioning.
- What?
I thought you wanted us
to be all together,
- like a family.
- We are together.
Come on,
it's more campy this way.
It smells like old cedar.
It smells like
an old gerbil cage.
- We're changing yurts right now.
- Tommy.
Well, land of Goshen,
that was fun, kids.
Bring it in
for a big spiritual hug.
Hey, uh, how about
we invite you guys
to a little
Sanders family tradition?
Every year, we like to offer up
a humble hymn of praise
to the Lord and consecrate
the yurt as holy ground.
- What do you say?
- You know, we'd love to,
but we're gonna
have to make a change.
I...
Change of key,
I can't sing in A major.
Perfect pitch, I see.
My friend, that makes two of us.
Honey, let's wait a while.
We're still getting settled,
you know?
- You mind holding down the alto?
- You got the melody?
Oh, and a one
and a two and a three.
Kids? Come here.
Yeah!
- Good yell, buddy, that was fun.
- That was something.
You're welcome.
Ooh, it's all about the sauce,
you want some?
- Uh, no, thanks.
- Oh...
you guys eat really healthy.
Oh, yeah, we do the WWJE diet
- every year at camp.
- Oh.
It's really easy, you just look
at your food and go,
"Would Jesus really eat this?"
I talked them into
a discount rate
if we promise not to eat meat.
Well, I'll eat yours then, okay?
It's your funeral, bucko.
Okay.
Let's go sit at that table
with our new friends.
Kapoor Capital,
how may I direct your call?
Yeah, hi,
this is, uh, Tommy Ackerman,
calling for Mr. Kapoor.
Hi, Mr. Ackerman. I'm sorry,
right now he's in a meeting
with Tommy Ackerman.
Uh, that's impossible,
I'm Tommy Ackerman.
No, I'm pretty sure you're not.
Okay, hang on a second.
This Tommy Ackerman, is he, uh,
tall, dark hair, above average
in the handsome department?
No, he's, like,
way above average
in the bald department.
Bramberger.
You always bring your cell phone
to the dinner table?
Hello, are you there?
- Wait for daddy, okay?
- Henry, Henry, don't eat yet.
But I'm starving.
- Uh...
- Mommy,
- can you cut my carrots?
- Sure, sweetie.
Tommy,
you mind saying blessing for us?
Tommy,
- Tommy, are you choking?
- All right, doctor ready...
- Tommy, Tommy!
- to the hizz-ouse.
Here we go, all right,
now stand upward, please.
This is gonna hurt.
Uno, dos, tres.
- Uh!
- No, all right,
elbows on the table.
- Here we go.
- Whoa.
Friends, this is why
we have chiropractors.
Brace for impact...
one, two, three!
- Oh!
- Still nada,
here we go, up we go.
Chin up, beautiful.
Full hand.
Ew.
Eddie!
Oh.
Just doing my good Lord's work.
Thank you, thank you.
I just love
how food brings people together.
Dr. Eddie! Dr. Eddie!
Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie!
Honey, you've got to take
smaller bites.
Dr. Eddie,
Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie!
- Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie!
- It's him, not me, it's him.
Okay, a little bit me,
but mostly him!
- Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie!
- Thank you, thank you.
Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie,
Dr. Eddie!
Come on, come on,
pick up, pick up, pick up.
- Tommy Ackerman.
- Bramberger.
Mr. Kapoor says hello,
by the way.
Look, I don't know
what you're scheming,
but Kapoor's my client
and you're gonna
leave him alone.
Ah, you mean he was your client.
Reception's terrible,
where you at, anyway?
It's none of your business
- where I'm at...
- Where you at? Where you at?
Family Camp,
it's a church thing.
Hang on a second,
did you just say church camp?
All right, don't get
your hopes up, Lucifer.
They don't let in
greedy little Hamburglars
who freeload off their grandma.
Whatever, Gammy likes it.
Yeah, listen up, I'm gonna have
the Garden City deal wrapped up
with Kapoor long before
you get back, and when I do,
I'm not just gonna have
your commission in my pocket.
- Bramberger.
- I'm gonna have
your promotion too, so, uh...
- Bramberger.
- So bye. Uh, click.
Bramberger!
Church camp.
- Hey, we missed you at dinner.
- Oh, I wasn't hungry.
Sons and daughters
of the most high,
welcome
to the ceremony of light.
Carriers of the light,
come forth.
Look, there they are.
This feeling
kind of cultish to you?
Stop it.
Carriers, receive your light.
These three torches
represent the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Spirit,
the eternal light
that shines deep within
the followers of Jesus Christ.
Families,
do you know what happens
when you shine that light
deep into the darkness?
The darkness cannot overcome it.
Moms and dads,
I know you get it.
To you, your families
and your marriages
are what's important.
All you kiddos,
the reason you're here
is 'cause your parents
value you more than they do
a week on a cruise ship,
more than anything.
Hmm.
Families, we are gonna
have a ton of fun this week.
Let's listen for what
God may want to say to us.
He wants to lead.
Will you follow him?
All right, kids,
brush and floss.
- Yes, sir!
- Yes, sir.
Uh, y... you too, kids,
brush and floss.
- Do we even own floss?
- Dad of the year.
Hey, Ackerman, hey, hey.
Saw you admiring this earlier.
Pretty sure I wasn't.
The Camp Katokwah trophy.
You should see this baby
on my mantel at home.
Had this custom case made for it
after we set three new records
the first year.
Can you believe they used to
let folks just take this home,
just sitting in their laps?
Okay, I'll bite.
What's a family gotta do
to win it?
Oh, they gotta be
in all the family competitions,
gotta compete.
The family that takes home
the most points
at the end of the week
takes the cup
from my cold, dead hands.
It's natural selection
for keeping
the best families coming back
to camp year after year,
if you ask me.
Didn't peg this place
for being evolutionist.
Hey, are you crazy?
You can't mention the "E" word
at a Christian camp.
Do you know
what could happen to you?
Probably
a bunch of monkey business.
Exactly.
The Sanders are fun, right?
I mean,
they're different, but fun.
Okay, um...
since when is your idea
of fun being, um,
stranded on Survivor Island
with a vegan family gospel band?
Come on, they're not that bad.
And I don't even know
that they're vegan.
- Hmm?
- Hmm, I mean,
let's think about it
for a second. We could learn
a thing or two from them
about essential oils and such,
and, who knows,
maybe you spend some time
with Dr. Eddie...
and you guys may become BFFs.
No.
- It could happen.
- No, no, okay,
- first of all, okay?
- Hmm.
- Uh, Dr. Eddie...
- Mm-hmm.
Is a chiropractor.
It means he got his doctorate
from a junior college.
That's not true,
you don't know that.
It is true,
it's true, I read it, okay?
- Hmm.
- And second of all,
- listen, I love you.
- Aw.
But if you think
we're gonna be friends
with that guy,
you need your head examined.
No, you do, oh, you know what?
Hold on, I got a head examiner
right here.
Ma'am, if you could
just please be still.
- Get your toothbrush out of my...
- No,
No, I'm gonna, no,
I'm gonna examine...
Don't touch my hair with it,
- it's disgusting!
- Yeah, I'm a professional.
Did you learn that
in junior college?
Yes, I did.
And Lord,
thank you for our children.
May their lives
be a sweet fragrance
- unto you, Lord...
- Yes.
And may the aroma
of their love just waft up
to your throne room, oh, Lord.
Oh, no, they're sacrificing
their children.
Hey, maybe
they're onto something.
There's nothing
like a... like a righteous...
What smells like
corn nuts in here?
- That's my feet.
- You blessed my children
with a smoking hot mother
so they...
Our kids aren't
really sacrificing material.
Not so much.
- Come on...
- Hmm?
- Show them how it's done.
- Huh, what's done?
Yeah, you're gonna
bless this mess.
- No.
- Yes.
- I don't...
- Yes, you do,
- come on, you're doing it.
- Uh.
Kids, um, come on, uh,
we're gonna... we're gonna say
a blessing around you,
on... on you.
- Why?
- It's tradition.
You're only doing it
'cause you saw
the Sanders doing it.
- No, we're not.
- Come on,
come on, huddle up, let's go.
Come on, come on.
Okay, come on,
- just close your eyes.
- Do what he says.
God, uh, we thank you for...
Jesus, mm-hmm, 'cause he's...
he's great, I mean, you know,
I mean, you know that, right?
- I mean, you're great, too.
- Honey.
- Hmm?
- Bless the kids, bless them.
We, uh, we just wanna, uh,
we want you
to bless our children,
just God bless... Well,
you bless them, you bless them.
Yeah, this is our son Henry
and...
this is our daughter Hannah.
- Yeah.
- In case I...
- Hmm?
- hadn't mentioned that
earlier. I don't think I did.
In Jesus's name we pray, amen.
Amen.
- I said, amen.
- Go get them, kiddos.
Pretty sure
God knows our names, Dad.
- Well, you can't be too sure.
- Okay.
Get... We need to get
a good night's rest.
We got some major butt kicking
to do tomorrow.
Next on Texarkana Bigfoot.
Where's the other footprints?
What other footprints?
Well, there's lots of mud
down here
and we only found the one print.
No... we got ourselves
a one-legged big foot.
It's the epic season finale
of Texarkana Bigfoot Bounty.
For when you need energy.
Thanks, Dalmotrax.
For when you're not feeling
like yourself.
Thanks, Dalmotrax.
Too much like yourself.
Families,
welcome to bubble ball.
It's a lot like soccer,
but just a little bit
more contact.
Oh,
- that looks a little violent.
- Mm-hmm.
- Make way!
- No?
Make way
for the returning champions!
Oh, yes!
Now, the winner today
will earn 10,000 points
towards the Camp Katokwah cup.
And up next, the Ackermans
versus the Sanders,
two families now sworn enemies.
Who will draw first blood?
You know
no one can hear you, right?
Just the way I like it.
Line it up, families.
First team to score
three points is the winner.
Sanders, today we are warriors!
Okay, Sanders, let's go.
Are you ready to bubble?
Yeah!
Loose ball, Sanders, loose ball.
I got it, I got it,
I got it. Vic, to you!
Nice pass, Papi.
Here we go, coming through.
- Okay, Victoria.
- No, not my wife!
Sanders coming in hot
for the body block.
What demon invented this game?
She's going, she's going.
Score!
Victoria Sanders
with the score.
Unbelievable.
That's my trophy wife! Whoo!
Whoo!
Sanders, Sanders, Sanders!
- Guys, we can win this.
- Sanders, Sanders!
We should probably stop.
We should probably
just stop right now.
Sanders
take an early lead.
Let's see
if the Ackermans can answer.
Take that, baldy!
Victoria.
Ooh
Uh, I hit her.
Henry Ackerman has the ball.
Oh, we're just gonna call
that a dribble
and hope for the best.
Here comes Barb Sanders.
Get away from me, Barb!
Henry, get up!
That boy's got
brilliant survival instincts.
- Come on, Barb, you got it!
- I'm gonna score!
Toasted and posted,
the Sanders score again.
Dog pile,
my little champions, dog pile.
Come on, Henry. Look,
Barb weighs, like, 60 pounds.
You can't let her
push you around like that.
Why don't you push her around?
Man down, man down!
Game over, Ackerman.
Looks like the Ackermans
have lost a player.
Unfortunately, that means
that there's a forfeit,
Sanders win.
We are the champions!
What? Come on.
Sorry.
- Hey, you guys.
- Hey!
Wow, those look great.
I know, it's kind of cheesy,
but I love it so much.
Are you painting
with mayonnaise?
Hey, guys,
let's go wash up, okay?
Daddy's about done
with his prayer walk
in the woods.
You guys, first year at camp.
You get to do the craft
for new families.
Hold on.
Okay, you're gonna love it.
Here we go.
Okay, so first, what you do
is you count down
the number of days until Henry
and Hannah graduate
from high school.
- Okay.
- Then, together,
count the same number
of beads...
and you put them in the jar.
Then, every day,
you just take one out.
Every day, take one out.
You know,
just every day, take one out...
'cause the days, you know.
Such a great reminder
of how precious
your time is together.
Is this some sort of cruel joke?
- Grace.
- No?
No,
you know, you only have, what?
Two years left with them?
This vase, these beads,
they're gonna make
everyday count.
Do the beads.
There you go.
- Okay.
- Okay.
There you go.
Thank you.
Come on, let's go.
Hey, bud,
what happened out there today?
I mean, I really thought
we had a good chance
- to win bubble ball.
- Meh, I just don't like sports.
I... I know, but if
you put forth some effort,
uh, you might find
a sport you like.
Like what, golf?
Yeah, maybe you and I could
go out sometime to the course?
- No.
- Okay.
Can you get me a snow cone?
Yeah.
Here, in the Amazon rainforest,
it's home to a number
of species,
such as snakes, tigers,
and what I'm gonna soon find,
bigfoots.
What do we have here?
- It's okay.
- It just makes me sad
that my parents immigrated
all the way here
- just to have our...
- Oh, yes,
let's bring
your parents into this.
Nothing more fun
than fighting with four people.
What are you doing?
Nothing, I'm just trying
to catch a big foot on camera.
Don't be a dummy, our dad said
that Noah wouldn't let bigfoots
get on the ark
because they smelled like feet.
Yeah, dummy, why else
do you think there's no big foot
in any of Noah's Ark's
coloring books, huh?
Touch,
clearly I'm the real dummy.
Mm-hmm.
What does...
What does that look even mean?
Why does it always...
Getting pretty close
to the flame there, bucko,
unless you prefer
charred mellows.
You know,
I wasn't gonna say anything,
but, uh, I'm pretty sure s'mores
aren't on the What Would
Jesus Eat diet.
Hey, we're not monsters, okay?
This is a very important
camp experience for our kids.
Even though we do make
sugar-free, organic,
vegan, non-dairy marshmallows.
Oh, I'd expect nothing
but perfection from you, Eddie.
Whoa, somebody
call the fire department,
look at that.
Hey, Dad, will you film me
tearing
this big ol' s'more down?
Uh, yeah, buddy, let's do that.
Let's go right over here,
way over here by the boats.
Ooh! Mm-mm.
Okay, uh, let me see.
All right, how does this work?
Hmm. Bon apptit, kiddos.
Okay.
Okay, here I go!
It just makes me sad
- that my parents immigrated...
- Nope.
- All way here.
- Oh, yeah,
let's bring your parents
into this.
Nothing more fun
than fighting with four people.
Oh, uh, hey, bud,
let's... let's, uh,
let's do... do it again, okay?
No, I know,
I know, I just... I think
you got a better one in you.
Why is nothing I do
ever good enough for you?
No, no, let's just... let's just
give it another shot, okay?
Henry!
Hmm, hmm.
You know, I still can't believe
that the prettiest girl
at camp has never been kissed.
Well, what,
why is that so hard to believe?
I mean, it's cool, I'm sure
you'll find the right guy.
Um, okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Tommy Ackerman.
Did you know
you are the only one
who hasn't signed up
for the Daddy Day Hike?
Oh, you should go.
I would, but, uh, you know what?
The, uh, only reason I came
to camp was just to get to spend
more time with my family.
Well, that's exactly
why you need to do it.
See, all the dads hike up
to Mount Burrow.
They gather by themselves and...
listen to God.
Sign him up.
Excellent!
It's the best thing
you're gonna do
for your family all week.
You're awesome.
All right, Johnsons?
Hey, what's up?
I really don't know
about that guy.
I know, I think he spent
way too much time at camp.
What? Oh, no, no, no, not him.
I mean,
Justin Bieber over there.
- That?
- Yeah.
That's just a camp fling.
She'll be over him in a week.
You know, maybe
you should go on this hike,
spend a little more time
with Eddie.
What?
He just puts a lot
into his family,
- and...
- Oh, come on.
You minimize things,
you know, "Oh, she'll be fine."
You're gonna do this, right?
This... this is why
I came over here,
so that you could compare me
to Eddie Sanders?
Oh, yeah, he's just...
he's just the perfect man.
He's a much better dad than me,
- he's...
- No, no, Tommy,
no, I'm sorry...
I'm sorry.
Honey, that was just
an awful thing to say.
It's fine, it's fine.
I don't think
everything's so perfect
in the Sanders camp, anyway.
Families, welcome to day two
of the Camp Katokwah Challenge.
It's still anyone's game,
so come to compete, let's go!
Ow, Eddie!
Come on, guys, let's go!
Tommy.
- Hey, Eddie?
- Hmm?
Why don't you
let me take this one?
I didn't hire
a private archery coach
just to let you take this
from me.
Honey, it's your weakest event,
you said so yourself.
You always pull the shot
to the left.
Not another word, I got this.
This is my year, I can feel it.
Maiden voyage
for my new bow here.
She's gonna give you nightmares.
All right, easy, Rambo.
Rules of the game are simple,
hit the bulls eye,
get ten points.
It all goes down from there.
Gentlemen, ready your arrows.
One point.
- Oh!
- Yeah!
- Both get four points.
- Great, that's great, honey.
Honey, you're doing great.
- Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
- Huh?
You're still pulling it
to the left.
One point.
It's okay, that's great.
You're on it.
It's okay.
- Zero points.
- That... that didn't count.
That counts.
Four points.
- Come on, Papi.
- Okay, okay.
You've got this, Papi.
Stay to the right,
just stay to the right.
Stay to the right, Eddie.
- Bulls eye!
- Hmm!
Do you want that,
do you want that?
Who's your daddy? Yes!
All right, everyone,
looks like now we're tied at 15.
The highest scoring arrow
is gonna win the game.
Let me know
if you're gonna choke again.
Come on, Tommy, you've got this.
You got this, Dad.
- Four points.
- Yes!
Let's see
what you're made of, Sanders.
Oh.
Zero points,
Ackerman family takes archery.
- Yeah!
- No, no! this isn't right!
No! No! No!
Yes, in your face!
My stroke was off,
that's not fair.
Eddie!
No!
- Hey, babe.
- Oh!
- Ow!
- Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
Where'd you get binoculars?
What?
Uh-oh.
You okay?
Yeah, why?
Nothing,
you're just kind of murdering
that ice cream cone, is all.
I'm stress eating, okay?
This is supposed to be
Family Camp,
not Find-Dumb-Boyfriend Camp.
You know, last year,
we would share an ice cream
and we would be talking
about our favorite flavors,
oh, but this year, nuh-uh.
Instead, she's with some guy
whose intentions
are God only knows what,
and I'm stuck here
with a vase full of beads...
counting all the days that
she should be spending with us,
but is instead
spending with him, oh.
- Brain freeze.
- Hey, hey, come here, come here.
Oh!
What's that?
Nothing.
Nothing is buzzing
in your back pocket.
- Okay.
- Look, don't answer it.
It's... it's about
the promotion.
- Just don't answer it.
- Two seconds...
two, I promise. Hello?
Tommy, quick update,
just had the most delicious
club sandwich with Mr. Kapoor.
Well, I'm sorry
you didn't choke on it.
Geez Louise,
Mr. Kapoor,
you are cruising this path
like a pro.
Whoa, whoa,
easy there, Danica Patrick.
Hey, look, I'll text you later
when I seal the...
Steal the deal.
You get out of that golf cart
right now, do you hear me?
Bramberger, Bramberger!
Grace. Grace, hold up.
No, no, I will not hold up.
I have held up
for the past five years.
I'm sorry.
Listen.
When we get home, I...
I think that we should
go to marriage counseling.
Oh, come on,
we don't need counseling.
I knew that's what you'd say.
I mean, I knew it.
Grace.
Heads up, watch out!
Um...
Girl's got a good arm.
This was clearly
a terrible idea.
You have
reached the voicemail box of...
Alex Kapoor.
Dad?
I'm scared, I want to come down.
Buddy, that's what
the repelling gear is for.
You're not gonna fall.
N... No, I... I don't want
to do this anymore.
I'm freaking out up here
and you don't even care.
No.
Need a little slack
in your line?
Oh, more than you know.
Hey, buddy, mind if I holler
at your dad for a minute?
Yeah, thanks, I'm coming down.
Oh, thank God.
- He's a good kid.
- Yeah, yeah.
Remind me your name again.
- Tommy, we go to your church.
- Yes.
- Golfer, right?
- Uh, yeah, yeah, sorry.
I think I've been showing up
a little late.
No, it's all good.
Seeing you come in
reminds me I only have a minute
or two left in the sermon.
Well, I deserve that.
- Hey, can I be honest with you?
- Sure.
Yeah, um, I think God
and I are good.
He and I are okay.
Uh, it's just, uh...
I'm busy,
there's a lot going on,
and, uh,
church is just another thing
on my list.
Hmm. No judgements here.
See, it doesn't matter
if you're... if you're old
or if you're young.
We are all in different spots
in our journey with God.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Tommy, you...
you know what a compass does?
It tells you where to go?
Not exactly, it turns out
it only has one basic function.
A compass points you
to true north,
and once you got true north,
you can never get lost.
Since we're being honest,
I'm your pastor.
But it's not my job
or the church's job
to lead your family...
it's yours.
See, life can pull you
in many different directions
if you let it, but real talk...
it's pretty easy to get lost
if you don't have a guide.
- Have fun out here.
- Yeah.
Sanders family,
I am proud of you
and all the hustle today.
We destroyed so many families
on the field of battle,
including the Ackermans
in most events.
I know the good Lord
is so pleased with us.
- Eddie?
- Mm-hmm?
We can hear you.
Oh, no,
Little Billy Graham is gone.
Who's Little Billy Graham?
Nobody panic,
he's just the smaller gerbil.
What?
Gentlemen, welcome
to the Ouachita National Forest,
One-point-eight million acres
across two states.
So in light of that,
today we are gonna do
the buddy system.
That means no one goes
anywhere without their buddy.
- Mm-hmm
- So go ahead and pair up.
Now, Eddie Sanders
has volunteered
to be the caboose
so that we can keep
the entire group together.
Eddie, who's your lucky buddy?
That would be my yurt made,
Tommy Ackerman.
Oh, no, sorry,
Pastor Dave and I were, um...
Not on the same page
All right, let's head out.
Let's go, bucko.
Yeah, did you pack enough
for a day hike?
Well, it's a little light
for an Eagle Scout,
but if we get lost,
the good Lord always provides.
Am I right? I'm right.
I have an offer for you,
free of charge.
I know it's gonna sound
too good to be true,
but I can't help it, I like you.
It's starting to smell
like a pyramid scheme.
Oh, heavens no.
The essential oils
are my wife's department.
Nay, nay, nay,
what the good Lord laid
upon my heart is for you
to have some mentors hip
in parenting with me.
It'll be the best
five years of your life.
People don't call me
the mentoring Miyagi
- for nothing.
- Mm-hmm.
Name one person
who calls you Miyagi.
Alto, you stay right here
and think about it.
I'm gonna hop off the trail
to the little boy's room.
Okay, hey.
Hurry up,
I don't want to get left behind.
Ah, I don't want
to get bit by any bugs.
Oops, that's poison ivy.
Come on, come on.
Aha.
Sweet manna from heaven.
Daddy's bringing home the honey.
Run, run!
- Get that thing away from me!
- My skin is on fire!
- Get away from me!
- It's free!
Get rid of it!
It's free organic honey!
That's a co-pay.
Man, my face stings so bad.
Do you see anything?
No, no, I don't, mm-mm, no.
You look... you look good.
You look good.
Oh, praise God, I prayed
for a hedge of protection
and the good Lord
always comes through every time.
Um, yeah, if you stop breathing,
just say something, okay?
- Ten-four.
- Okay, great, great, great.
Hey, um, that, uh...
that fort back there,
I was thinking...
Eddie! Eddie, Eddie?
Quick, give me a shot
of epinephrine in my pouch.
Geez, how much stuff
you got... Oh, found it.
Okay, hold on...
Okay, now what?
Before you stab me,
you need to massage my thigh.
- Um, nope.
- Do you want me to die?
Hmm, well...
You have to massage my leg
in the spot
where you're gonna stab me
in for at least ten seconds
- or it does not work.
- Okay.
Oh, oh, that feels kind of nice.
Please stop talking.
Okay, uh, you might want to,
I don't know,
- say a prayer or something.
- Okay, all right,
let me grab my keys.
- My hand!
- You put in there!
- Do it again.
- Again?
You have to stab me
in the legs or the buttocks
or it does not work.
The legs it is,
let me dust this off real quick.
No, no, no,
I have a second pen in here.
Of course you do.
- Oh, hey.
- Okay, okay.
- I'm starting to see Heaven.
- No.
Hey, hey,
Uncle Roy, is that you?
Do you still make
those flapjacks?
I want some flapjacks,
Uncle Roy.
- No, tell Roy to go away.
- Make it big flapjacks,
- Uncle Roy.
- No, no, don't take those.
Melt that butter, Uncle Roy.
Don't. You tell Roy to get away.
Roy, get away!
The kitchen's closed.
Hmm.
Huh?
Wow, that thing works fast.
Yeah, that is pure adrenalin,
my friend.
Hey, I want to go for a run.
You want to go for a run?
I want to go for one,
let's go for a run!
Okay, hot pants,
why don't you...
Come on!
Uh, finally,
some mother daughter time...
- Okay, okay, careful, Mom.
- Ooh, that is slippery.
All right, okay, Mom, okay, Mom.
Just whatever you do,
- don't let go.
- Okay.
- Hey, there.
- Oh, hey.
- Want to toss the 'bee around?
- Yeah, sure. Um, hey, Mom?
Mom?
Oh, okay, is it cool
if I go hang with Corbin?
- Thanks.
- After you.
Thank you, so how have you been?
Uh, yeah, pretty good.
Come on, come on, God.
I'm good.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
Were you tickling my face?
Yeah, I was,
I tried shaking you violently,
but all that did
was make me feel good.
That's the way.
That is not a trail.
The trail winds
to the left up there quite a bit
and I'm 100% positive
that if we cut through
these woods,
we will find ourselves
back on the trail
and probably ahead of the group.
Hey, buddy, come on.
This is our story
to tell our wives,
how we braved the wilderness
and fought our way back home.
Come on.
Come on.
Come, come.
Okay, but quit talking to me
like I'm a dog.
- Good boy, Tommy.
- Stop it.
Eight, ten, twelve, fourteen,
sixteen, eighteen...
Has anyone seen Tommy or Eddie?
Tommy, Eddie?
Oh, no.
I should have known better
than to trust you.
You have no idea where we are.
Well, good luck crossing that.
I've crossed it a dozen times.
That, you've crossed that?
Things like it.
Mentorship tip numero uno,
never ask your kids
to do something
that you aren't willing
to do yourself.
In this illustration,
I will play the brave father
that has already conquered
the river,
and you will play
the scared little boy.
Just picture yourself as Henry.
Yeah, please don't talk
about my son.
Your son,
he's the quiet, reclusive type.
If I've seen it once,
I've seen it 100,000 times.
If you do not
get a handle on this,
you're gonna have
a hoarder for a son.
Hey, Eddie, shut your mouth
before I shut it for you.
Today,
he is a quiet little bookworm.
Tomorrow,
he is stuck in an apartment
with a bunch of junk
that he bought
at a home shopping channel
with your credit card, bucko.
- Hey, Eddie.
- Yeah?
No, no!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
My glasses.
No, not my mustache!
I am a chiropractor!
- You're so dead.
- You don't know me.
No, who consecrates
a yurt with a harmonica song?
I do, I do with pleasure,
with pleasure.
Well, it's not pleasurable
to anyone else!
You don't know anything!
Anything, anything, anything!
Uh...
Mind if I join you?
Sure.
Do you want to talk about it,
- or...
- No, no, I don't.
Okay.
I mean, no offense, but, like,
your marriage
is just a little too perfect
for me to, you know,
talk to you about my marriage.
So I'm just,
I'm not even gonna go there.
You know, like,
here's the thing, okay?
I thought
that we would come here
and that my family
would just magically become
the family
that I've always wanted
them to be.
Whatever you think about me
and my family, uh,
you know, things get
a lot more complicated
when you get a peek
behind the curtain, so.
Oh, please,
you're like
the perfect Christian family.
You even eat like Jesus
would eat, for crying out loud.
We're kind of falling apart.
Ooh, I just said that out loud.
We're falling apart.
Uh.
Okay, um...
go on.
I'm really good
at keeping our secret
and I put a smile on at church
and I pray and I pray
and I pray, Grace, I pray,
and I have no voice.
I have no voice in my marriage,
and Eddie controls everything,
everything.
And I give my opinions,
but it's like
he doesn't even care, you know,
he doesn't even listen.
And I don't even have
the strength to make him care,
you know?
And I don't know how much longer
I can go on feeling like...
I don't matter.
I did not see that coming.
- Sorry, that was like, blah.
- Oh, no, it's okay.
Ladies,
I don't mean to interrupt,
but we have a problem.
Get in line.
Oh, you're serious.
I can't find my lunch anywhere.
So let me get this straight.
You've got these
anti-hypothermia
space age blankets
in your backpack,
you've got an epinephrine shot,
a backup epinephrine shot,
but you got no map,
no compass, nothing?
Correctamundo.
Oh, my stomach just ate itself.
Oh, I forgot to mention
that my blood sugar
was getting a little low,
so I ate your lunch.
Come again?
I was addressing a medical need.
Hey, it's okay, mi amigo.
When God closes a door,
he opens a Chick-fil-A.
So you stole my lunch?
This is amazing, you realize
we could die out here, right?
Whoa, bucko, hey,
we don't need to
look at it that way.
We need to look at this
as an opportunity
to grow our faith.
You know what,
the only reason I came
on this stupid hike
was to grow my faith.
- Hey, let it out.
- Okay, I will.
You know, I thought
maybe I'd come out here,
he'd say something,
he'd show me something.
Instead, I'm stuck here
with Dr. Phil's demented
twin brother when I should be
back at the camp singing
"Kumbaya" with my family.
How's that make you feel?
I'll tell you
how it makes me feel, all right?
I feel like if God is in control
of all this, then I don't know
if I'm really
that interested in faith.
Please stop that.
Stop what?
That.
Stop this?
Yes, that.
Can't.
- May I see that?
- Hmm?
Can I see that?
Thanks.
What you gonna do now,
little bald man?
You've reached Tommy Ackerman,
senior investment strategist
for Wiley and Edmund.
I'm not available right now.
So we've got
the sheriff's office,
Park Services, and great team
of volunteers searching
for your husbands right now.
They're gonna be out there
for two hours...
but they're gonna hit it again,
first light.
And then what?
You know, these guys
are really good at what they do.
I think the best thing
for right now
- is if y'all stay put.
- We stay put, sure.
We just sit still,
stay put, thank you for that.
We'll just stay put
while our husbands are out there
that have never been
out there before, like...
Joel?
Hey, Grace?
They're coming back.
You hear me?
I really believe that.
I know that.
I'm gonna pray for us, okay?
Okay.
Sometimes I like to pray
in my prayer language,
- is that all right?
- Um, you mean like in tongues?
- Like in Spanish.
- Oh,
yeah, that's good, that's good.
- My dad plays the harmonica.
- Hmm, sounds like a good man.
He never really came
around much.
Still doesn't.
And if I'm honest,
I'm just living out
my greatest fear
of becoming just like him.
And the older my kids get...
I realize, I...
I don't know them.
This may surprise you
to hear this, but, uh...
I was afraid to have kids.
My parents,
they did the best they could,
but they didn't really leave me
with the best blueprint
to raise my own kids with.
And then I saw the twins
in the delivery room...
holding each other...
and this...
extra valve
in my heart opened up,
one I didn't even know I had.
I love them so much.
And yet, I'm still afraid
I'm gonna mess them up somehow.
My grandmother always said
it's, uh, family...
it's God's plan
and our responsibility.
- Hmm. I like that.
- Hmm. Yeah.
Don't worry, mi amigo,
we are going to find
our way back home
to our families, I promise.
Now, that's a roaring fire.
Oh, quick, get them off!
I'm trying!
- Ouch.
- Hot!
- Stomp them out!
- Hot!
- My leg hairs!
- Not today, Satan!
No, no.
Oh, they look good.
- Do they?
- Yeah.
Okay, Rescue Alpha.
We're gonna call it a night.
We'll be back at 0500.
Okay.
Look, I know
I don't ask for much, God...
because...
you know, I like to do
everything myself.
But it turns out...
that I really love him
and, um, and I need him, so...
please bring him home.
- Good morning.
- Hey, morning.
- Hope I didn't wake you.
- No.
How do I look?
- Fantastic.
- That's right, fantastic.
- Mom, Mom!
- What?
Henry's gone.
It says he went to go find dad.
Okay, we believe
the boy is most likely
in this area here,
and the chances of survival
in this forest are falling
by the hour
for all three of them,
so we gotta move.
Grace, Grace!
- Grace. Grace!
- What?
I can't let you go in there.
You say that like
you can stop me.
My son is out there.
I understand, that's why
we're doubling our efforts.
Yeah, that's great, it's just
not good enough, it's not.
Grace,
that's not just some city park
you're walking into there.
It's the Ouachita
National Forest,
some of the roughest terrain
you'll ever encounter, Grace!
God knows
every square inch of it.
He knows where they are.
So when is he gonna tell us?
Cookie,
I need to borrow your truck.
- What for?
- It's an emergency.
Oh, it sounds like
my kind of party.
So, where are we going?
We've got a little boy
to go rescue.
Mentorship lesson numero dos.
Tell me about this,
uh, cell phone
that you always seem to be on.
This is amazing, we're here
in the middle of the woods,
and yet I still seem
to have a nagging wife.
Well, at least you have
a wife that cares enough to nag.
Um, it's my job, right?
I mean, some people
work in construction,
some people work in a classroom.
I do most of my work
on the phone.
How do you set boundaries?
For what?
Well, I mean, if you work
in a construction yard,
you wouldn't be driving
the bulldozer
to the dinner table,
now would you, no.
Try using the sharp side.
Hmm, hmm.
Yeah, it's not that easy, okay?
I'm up for a promotion.
If I get it,
it changes everything, right?
I mean, who doesn't want to
not have to worry about money?
Get a new house,
a new car, don't have to worry
about retirement, I mean...
- ATVs!
- ATVs?
- Hmm, what, ATVs?
- Help, somebody!
Please help!
Hey, hey, hey,
come on, let's go.
No, no, this has
"Thou shalt not steal."
Written all over it.
We can cover ten times
the area with these, okay?
We'll be back by dinner.
Four wheelers just don't appear
in the middle of nowhere.
They belong to somebody.
Okay, okay.
I'm sorry, I just,
I missed my family,
and I'm so hungry.
Tonight is taco night.
No, it's stealing.
I forgot about the guacamole.
No, no, it's wrong.
Dad?
Dad!
Hello?
Okay, I'm done waiting,
we're losing daylight.
- It's now or never.
- Hmm.
Did you say something?
Well, hey, little fella.
Who's daddy's big boy?
I'm daddy's big boy.
Tommy?
Tommy!
Tommy!
- Tommy!
- Please, stop screaming.
- My head's killing me.
- My legs feel like jelly.
That's the tranquilizer.
Now it's rated
for a 700-pound primate.
You're liable to feel
a little weak
- in the knees for a spell.
- Wait, I know you guys.
Yeah, yeah, you're on that,
uh, you're on that TV show,
- The Bigfoot Hunters.
- Always nice to meet a fan.
They tried to steal our ATVs,
you cornball joker.
I retract my statement.
We're... we're not...
we're not thieves.
We're just trying
to get back to our families.
But, you see, I got one little
- teensy tiny problem.
- One.
You see, I ain't never
met a thief who weren't a liar.
Wow, I could sew that
on a pillow.
- Thank you.
- I'm sorry, um,
- were you calling him a liar?
- I did.
That man is my friend
and he is no liar,
and if you're calling
him a liar,
you're calling me a liar,
and nobody calls me a liar.
- Stop talking.
- You know what, we're fine.
You can go on your way,
just skedaddle. Good day, sirs.
I said good day.
All right.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Bye now.
He... he's just kidding, okay?
We... we love your show, we do.
- Oh.
- I'm not kidding,
fame has gone to your head.
No one watches your TV show,
now scram.
Come on.
Please tell them you're kidding.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.
- Give me your honey pot.
- But you said you wasn't hungry.
- The honey pot ain't for me,
you doofus McSpaz-a-tron,
come on. Hand it over.
Now.
Now, these woods,
this is home to a lot more
than just deer and coyote.
Mm, mm, mm.
Now, we'll come back
and untie you
in a day or two
when we're done squatching,
that is...
if you ain't already
been tooked.
Please don't go!
That was scary.
Please, don't leave us!
Look on the bright side,
we got our honey, huh?
You don't understand,
they were our last hope.
I'm starting to think
you don't want to be rescued.
Well, clearly
I was using reverse psychology,
and clearly I still need
some practice at it.
The only thing that is clear
to me is how clueless
you actually are.
I mean, you can't be normal
for one minute, can you?
Everything that comes out
of your mouth
causes every bit of me
to cringe.
It... it's like...
It... it's like
your head is just
a... a giant cheese grater
and I'm lactose intolerant.
When you open up your mouth,
it's just grade A cheddar
just starts coming out.
It's just.
And in the midst of all of that,
I have to ask this question,
who...
who greets people
by giving them back adjustments?
Who in the world does that?
- Well, I do.
- Listen, do me a favor.
The next time you have
something that you just have
to say, don't,
because nobody
wants to hear you.
I get it.
I get it.
You're the guy
that always gets picked, right?
Never left standing there,
the third wheel in a bunch
of two-man buddy systems.
Always invited to lunch,
always invited to the parties.
And then there's me.
Clueless, cringey...
not normal Eddie Sanders.
I've got news for you.
God doesn't make junk,
and that includes me.
No matter what
you may think of me...
I'm not junk.
I just don't know
what I would do...
- if it was just me and mom.
- Look, they're gonna find them.
Everything will be okay,
I'm sure of it.
What are you...
what are you doing?
- Come on, don't be a tease.
- Excuse me?
Uh, okay, cool, um,
I'll catch you around, I guess.
Wha... what?
Yeah, see you around, I guess.
- Henry!
- Henry!
Henry!
Headquarters here, go ahead,
Rescue Alpha.
We're setting
it down for the night.
The trail ran cold
over an hour ago
and the dogs are getting tired.
Hello?
Dad?
Is that you?
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
I got you on camera,
so you can just come out...
please?
Wolves?
Wolves, wolves,
help, help! There's wolves!
Henry?
Hey, I'm really sorry
about what I said earlier.
- It's fine, whatever.
- I just don't want to die
out here.
It may be happening
sooner than you think.
Oh, well, hello, little fella.
Who's a good boy?
I need one more chance.
I get it now.
Grace, Hannah, Henry...
they need me.
And I think
for the first time in my life...
I'm ready.
I'm ready, God.
I've been going
in so many directions.
I need to find true north.
So if you'll have me...
I'll give you everything.
Just please give me
one more chance.
Eddie, Eddie, the ropes,
they just broke, it's a miracle!
Oh.
Well, well,
yeah, it's a miracle.
I mean,
it's been like
a... a nonstop prayer service
on this side of the tree.
Have you been crying?
You've been crying.
A little help?
Mom, Mom!
Henry.
I'm so sorry,
I looked for him all night.
I tried so hard.
I couldn't find him. Sorry.
Thank you.
Me and you are gonna have
kids like that one day.
Hmm?
I don't feel good about this.
It's our only chance, come on.
Hmm.
They've got cheddar wieners.
Get over here.
Do you want one?
See, Mr. Beef,
I told you them was thieves.
Beef. Beef.
Morning.
Put him in a choker, will you?
Thought you could
pull one over on us.
No, look ahead.
- Hi.
- Oh, hello again.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You wouldn't want to leave
your friend behind now,
- would you?
- Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.
Come on, now, step away
from it nice and slow like.
Yeah, nice and slow like.
Well, well, well.
What we gonna do
with these two now?
Don't do anything crazy, okay?
Just, um, think...
think about your TV show.
- Oh, show's over.
- Huh?
Yeah, the network canceled it.
Is it because
you couldn't find big foot?
You watch it too?
Let me ask you something.
You know what it's like to have
your dream come true
reality TV show canceled, huh?
Do you? Do you!
Uh, it's... it's just a really
specific question.
No, huh, no.
Well, it's very difficult.
It's very difficult.
And now I think
I'm gonna have to cancel you.
Wait, that was unloaded
the whole time?
Bigfoot!
- What?
- Where, where?
Eddie, run!
- I'll never walk again!
- Sir, please don't go.
No, you don't. L2.
L4. And sleep.
- Eddie, you're a murderer.
- No, Tommy, I'm a chiropractor.
Oh, oh.
Come on!
You are not Rambo.
Pull to the left, baby.
Drive!
- Come on, it's gonna blow! Whoa!
- I got you,
little Squatchie.
That was amazing,
- Eddie, you did it.
- No, we did it.
Stop, stop, beaver, stop!
- Whoa!
- Watch out!
Bees, uh, I hate you,
I hate you, bees.
I hate them, I hate the bees!
Hey, hey, hey, hold on, hold on.
If that's the bees...
- this is the trail
- We found the trail?
- We found the trail.
- We found the trail.
We found the trail,
we found the trail!
We found the trail,
we found the trail.
We found the trail,
we found the trail.
- That just happened.
- Yeah.
Oh, let me gather
this stuff right here.
- I'll help you.
- You get going here, okay?
No, you don't need to help.
- No, it's good.
- You don't need to help,
- I got... I just need to...
- I got it.
What is this?
I didn't know it was in there.
Hey.
Hey! Look me in the eyes
and say that.
I... I didn't know... Okay, okay.
We were never really lost.
I, uh...
I knew where we were
the whole time.
Of course you did.
- You see, the truth is...
- No.
Don't.
I don't want to hear it.
Victoria doesn't love me
anymore!
What are you talking about?
She... she doesn't
love me anymore.
We're just...
we're just roommates,
just... just raising our kids.
Divorce isn't an option,
so we just exist.
She doesn't even want
to be around me...
so I just, uh, I just thought
if... if they'd think...
that I was hurt or even dead
and then miraculously returned,
- then things would be...
- No, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Let me make sure
I understand this.
You're stuck
in a passionless marriage...
so you dragged me,
a complete stranger,
into this twisted,
manipulated, made up story.
You almost
get the both of us killed.
At the least,
you wreck our wives
and children, for what?
So you can come in
and sweep her off her feet?
Hmm, well, I don't know
about sweeping her off her feet,
but I really thought
if we could...
Your wife was right.
No, we have to finish
this together.
- We're finished.
- I can't go back by myself.
You stay away from me.
Oh, God, no.
- Hey. Here you go.
- Thank you.
Hey, come on, it's dad!
There he is.
Tommy? Tommy!
- Tommy!
- Grace, Grace!
- Tommy, Tommy?
- Grace?
I thought you were...
I'm never leaving you again,
never.
Dad!
Oh, come here.
I was looking for you
in the woods
all night by myself.
- What?
- Um.
I'm sorry, I just wanted you
to be proud of me.
I couldn't be more proud of you.
You're perfect
just the way you are.
- Hi.
- I love you, sweetheart.
- I love you.
- Oh.
Where is he?
Where's Eddie?
- Papi.
- Dad!
Let's go.
I thought
you weren't coming back.
What you got there?
I was thinking about that jar
with all of those beads in it,
and I think it's just
a really terrible idea.
Me too.
How about
instead of taking beads out,
we put beads in for every day
that we have with each other
from this moment on?
Mom, I'm gonna need you
my first day of college.
I'm gonna need you
for my first real job...
for my first serious boyfriend.
Mom, I'm gonna need you
for everything.
So...
You see the kids?
Oh, I told them to get us a seat
next to Tommy and Grace.
Oh, no, bad idea.
Why don't we just let them
have their own personal space
for the last night of camp
- because that's a big deal.
- Hey, Eddie?
I need to talk...
and I just...
I need you to just listen, okay?
I've been praying for God
to change some things...
in our marriage.
But what I realized is that
the change starts with me.
God calls husbands
to love their wives
like Christ loves the church...
- Vic, let's be real clear...
- Eddie...
God doesn't control us.
He doesn't make
all the decisions for us.
He doesn't take away our voice.
And he loves...
what I have to say.
That is what I need.
I need my voice back.
Let's hear it for the Brewers!
Woo-woo, sugar bear!
Look at that.
Now, our next award
is the Badge of Courage.
Now, this comes as no surprise.
You've all heard the story
of heroism
and the conquering of nature.
Well, this award
is being given to...
Eddie Sanders...
for saving Tommy
from choking to death
in the first night of camp.
Thank you, Cookie.
Don't go anywhere, Eddie.
You see, that Badge of Courage
has earned you
an extra 10,000 points...
making the Sanders
the winners
of the Camp Katokwah Cup
for the third year in a row!
Mind if I say something?
No.
Friends, um...
thank you for this great honor,
but, um...
I... I can't accept it.
Um...
I'm...
I'm a fake.
I've made my wife miserable.
Vic, you're right.
I have not loved you
like Christ loved the church.
And I am so sorry.
That's on me, that's on me.
I'm gonna go down there, okay?
The perception I've made
of my family, uh...
well, it's a trophy...
it's a golden idol, which, um...
- well, it makes me, uh...
- A liar?
Yeah.
The truth is I...
I got the two of us
lost in the woods.
And I did it on purpose.
An ill-conceived attempt
to try to win
the affections back
from my wife, I'm sorry.
- Hey, hey, here, I got it.
- Hmm?
I got it.
I think, um,
when we were in the forest...
I think we both learned
a lot about life...
faith...
and family.
That wouldn't have happened
if we didn't get lost
in the woods.
See, I told you, God had a plan.
- Shut it.
- Okay.
- Seriously.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Um. What I'm trying
to say is, uh...
I've been forgiven a lot.
So how can I not forgive?
Yeah.
Hey.
I forgive you.
- Hmm, me?
- Yeah, you.
- You deserve this.
- Oh, I know.
Come on, guys.
You were terrible
at bubble ball,
but you are great
at everything else.
Thank you for hearing me.
You're worth listening to.
So you'd better get used to it.
I love you.
I love you, too, Eddie Sanders.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
You wanna play us out?
I'd love to. Um...
All right, follow along
with me right here.
All right.
Here we are, oh, snap.
You guys, I nailed the chair.
Family Camp.
Drive!
Reset.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
Pastor Dave.
No, no, don't... don't 'bee me.
Ow.
Mom, Mom, my mic fell.
Oh, you're a hot mess right now.
Oh, that's right,
we found the trail...
We found a mic, we found a mic,
we found a mic, it's right here.
We found the mic, there it is.
I'm thinking
that my kiddos love you, Lord.
Oh, dear, let them
spread that love
because it is like holy water
to a vampire.
Hey, somebody call
the fire... fire department.
- Somebody call the...
- Watch out.
Whoa, somebody call
the fire department!
Got it.
Mom, Henry's gone.
Oh, well.
- I'm a big boy, copy, copy?
- Copy, copy.
- Copy the big boy.
- You're a big boy, copy.
I don't want a vacation.
It's her, it's not me.
I'm so sorry, I haven't gotten
a lot of sleep lately.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I tried so hard.
We have to do that again,
that was hilarious.
Hey, I just broke...
Sorry, let's do that again.
Right here.
When God shuts a door,
he always opens a window.
No, I will not hold up,
I have... Hold, yeah, yeah.
Let's do that again.
Sorry, I swallowed
a popcorn kernel.
And cut.
- Last one?
- Last one.
- You take it.
- No, I couldn't.
I insist.
You're a true friend, Mr. Beef.
Trickety wickedy.