Feeling Randy (2024) Movie Script
1
[Glass shattering]
[Bell ringing]
Boner.
[Laughter]
Funny word.
I wonder who made it up.
Like, who was that first guy?
To just say boner?
If you think about it long
enough, you probably get one.
I mean, I do.
And it is so worth it when
you're alone just before you
blow and everything else
in the world disappears.
[Peaceful orchestra music]
But the really great part is
what you don't think about
all the crappy, boring shit
you have to do that you hate.
[Knocking on door]
In a minute.
[Peaceful music continues]
One, two.
Hand me a rag, will you?
[Dog barking]
Light.
And seriously, anything
is better than holding the
fucking flashlight while dad
pretends to be a car mechanic.
[Horn honking]
Come on, Randy, let's go.
Dad, do you think I could, uh.
Go on.
Get. Give me the
damn flashlight.
You know, it's not all
driving around chasing girls.
[Soft rock music]
Kitty boys.
That's us.
So we got the name from this
legal brothel in Nevada, the
kitty ranch.
And I know you got to pay for
it, but no more virgin crap.
Mark's my best friend, I
guess, but also a real dick.
Which is why he calls me Dandy
Randy and shit, even though I'm
not dandy.
And going to the kitty ranch
will definitely prove I'm not,
you know, dandy.
And then there's Mark's friend
Samson, who knows everything
about the kitty ranch.
His older brother took him
there last year
for his birthday.
So he's the professional.
Adam is also a,
you know, virgin.
But he's also really smart,
like Genius, but no one can
tell because he's
stoned all the time.
He took this picture of us
so we could have something to
remember when we got old.
I mean, we couldn't take home
a souvenir from a whorehouse.
You know what I mean?
There, there.
Let's fucking get laid.
I came all over her face.
[Clock ticking]
Big basketball sized cities.
Basket, basketball.
Tit, titties.
I love basketball.
I caused a natural
disaster, bro.
Hell, yeah.
I mean, you're not gonna be
playing basketball with her.
I could be.
Oh, Jesus.
I myself want a woman that
knows how to dress herself.
Because then, you know,
I'm more attracted to that.
And maybe she could give
me some fashion sense.
Jesus fucking Christ, guys.
Leave your dicks back
in kindergarten.
It's like a candy
wrapper, right?
When you look.
At candy.
You're not attracted to
what the candy looks like.
Candy normally looks like shit.
You're attracted
to the wrapper.
Oh my God, dude.
You're trying to
undress her, man.
You're trying to get
her naked and nail her.
Right, but I'm just kind of
thinking about more than that.
[Rock music playing]
Amway. Fucking rule.
Sampson sells soap and
household
products to the
neighborhood moms.
253 Buck-a-rooney's
in one hour.
He wants to be a
millionaire by 25.
So I guess he's the guy to take
charge of our
mission to get laid.
All you got to do is get, like,
ten people to sign up, and then
you step up to junior bronze.
And that is where the money is.
Here. It's yours.
Rick Van Rich is a fucking
free market genius.
He's fucking brilliant.
Oh, and by the way, you might
want to lose the
baby face, my friend.
Flirting with the
customers is key.
And while the housewives love a
strong jawline,
you'll get there.
But listen to that tape.
I got a whole box full.
A seriously mark, $60
gets you a starter kit.
If I had 60 bucks I'd spend
it on some pussy.
Fucking A. Now, that
is number one, boys.
Okay. The good lord put pussy
on this earth to be banged.
I hear that you boys need my
wisdom on purchasing said pussy.
Gotta get Randy here laid
before his dick falls off from
lack of use.
You won't get laid, huh?
Yeah.
I want some pussy.
Hey, there's nothing
funny about
a man wanting some pussy, Mark.
- Yeah, but.
- I said there's nothing funny.
All right.
Okay, maybe I'll tag along.
And not because I
need to pay for it.
Because I got those bitches
lining up begging
for my sweet dick.
There's no room in
your bug, though.
Randy's dad's got
a station wagon.
Bitchin. Randy, my man,
we're gonna get you laid.
[Cat meowing]
[Birds chirping]
[Flute music]
Almost done with homework?
Almost.
Hurry up. It's based 1999 time.
3, 2, 1, 0.
All engine running.
Liftoff! We have a liftoff.
[Music continues]
Open your textbooks
to page 85, please.
All right.
When an individual sperm.
Mr. Randy Parker,
can you tell us?
Uh.
Can you repeat the
question, please?
When an individual sperm
fertilizes an egg, what
immediately happens to the egg?
[Quiet chatter and
laughter from class]
Let's focus people.
Who has the answer for
Mr. Parker?
Yes. Uh, new girl, miss, uh.
Melissa.
Yes. Go on.
Okay. So the egg, like, shuts
so that all the other sperm
can't get in.
Exactly.
- Dyke.
- Shut up, pussy face.
Melissa!
What about him?
I will not have that kind
of language in my classroom.
From a girl, you mean.
Vice principal now?
Not a good start, young lady.
And it begins.
And do something
about that hair.
This is not Star Wars.
[Laughter]
Redemption time for Mr. Parker.
Because you're
teetering on a solid D.
It's Randy, right?
Yeah. Yeah, Randy.
Hi. um,
uh. Melissa.
Yeah, Melissa the dyke.
Oh, but I'm not really a dyke.
No. Yeah, I know.
I, I didn't, I just I was
just making conversation.
Ooh. Metamorphosis.
How you liking it?
I don't think I
quite understand it.
Keep reading it.
You will.
Well, I have to have a book
report about it due next week.
I could help.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Just come over to my place.
You know where, uh, Saint
Mary's and Helen Lane cross?
Yeah. That's literally, like,
down the street from me.
Really? Give me your hand.
Okay, okay. That tickles. Stop.
Just come over any
time after four.
Yeah. Okay.
So here's the plan, boys.
We're gonna throw a kegger
party charge about
$5 each per head.
That's enough to get us sucked
and fucked at the kitty ranch,
don't you think?
Yeah. Twice over.
What do you think, Randy?
Well, I, uh.
Come on, dude, like, why
are you asking Randy, bro?
He's just gonna be all
awkward at the party anyways.
I don't know, he's.
Fuck you, Mark.
I'm gonna be fucking so
many more whores than you are.
You know I love you, pal.
[Laughs]
Amazing. That was amazing.
Yeah that's, that's
all I know so far.
You know, you're a really
great cello player.
- You know.
- Cellist.
Right? Cellist.
My friends and I are
throwing a party tonight.
You should come.
You know, we're
gonna have a keg.
It's gonna be a kegger.
I don't like beer.
Well, maybe you
could come anyway.
- Shit.
- What?
I totally forgot.
I have to go.
Go where?
I have tennis practice.
Where's your racquet?
I have to go.
Hey, what about
your book report?
[Orchestra music]
Fuck, yeah, that's a kegger.
Thanks, Luke.
I owe you.
Don't mention it.
What are big brothers for?
Hey, no charge to get in.
Be there.
I can't make it.
- Business.
- Boring.
You guys want some weed?
Molly wolly.
How much are we talking?
40 for a lid.
Dude, all I got is five bucks.
What about you, little dude?
You want some weed?
I, uh.
On me.
Uh, thank you.
Uh, what about me?
That's the last.
Hey, you guys share.
Give me some money
when you got some.
Better share, you fucker.
Be nice.
Alright, Please share.
That's better.
Catch you boys later.
Whatever. I don't like
weed anyway.
Yes, that's a wise
move there, Randy.
Man, how can anyone hate
pot, you know?
It makes me,
- weird.
- Weird?
It's a little late for that.
[Loud music and laughter]
All right.
Uh, $5 kegs in the back.
My party fuckers!
Give me the fucking beer!
[Laughter]
[Music continues]
This party fucking sucks.
Can I have a beer?
[Crickets]
[Quiet soft rock]
I better go home.
It's a party.
Gotta stay.
Don't make me sit on you.
You know something?
You were my best friend.
I'm such a fucker to
you, aren't I, Randy?
There's no bottom
to this shit, man.
Who the fuck am I?
Who the fuck are you guys to me?
Who the fuck are you
guys to you?
Little dandy Randy.
So I better shut up.
[Indistinct drunk singing]
I am so fucked up.
[Screaming]
Randy? Is that you?
Yeah.
How was the party?
Okay.
Is everything all right?
Yeah.
Did you tell your father
to turn down the TV?
- Okay.
- Good night.
Okay.
[Screaming on TV continues]
-What?
- Good morning.
I bet you have a
really bad hangover.
Oh, God.
I heard Mark had a
kegger party last night.
Yeah. So what?
So Randy's got a hangover.
Stop.
Anne leave your brother alone.
You're lucky she thinks
you're a goody goody.
Please stop.
So, was it like a makeout party?
Like, did you kiss anyone?
Why would I tell you?
Oh, my God, you did!
You kissed someone!
What's her name?
Do I know her?
I could see if she likes you.
Was it Donna?
I bet it was Donna.
I can seriously help you out.
I'm really good at this stuff.
Who's Donna?
Oh, my God, you are such
a dorky, celibate priest.
[Pan sizzling]
Mom.
[Laughing]
Can I ask you a question?
Mhm.
So if, um, Darwin was right,
does that mean that Genesis is
a myth?
No. Genesis is in the Bible.
Those are two separate things.
Who told you it was a myth?
No one told me that.
I don't know. Nevermind.
I just, uh.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Frank. You're getting
grease on the broccoli.
It'll wash off.
Am I right, Randy?
I need you to help
me out in the garage.
Okay?
I um.
I got a midterm, so I.
Frank he's got homework.
Yeah. These cars aren't
gonna fix themselves.
I'm trying to teach
the kid something.
Come on!
Hup two soldier!
Sorry.
Fuck.
Light.
Sorry.
- Dad.
- What?
Can I, uh,
borrow the station
wagon next weekend?
Ah!
Damn it!
[Knocking on door]
- What?
- Can I use the phone.
What's in it for me?
We're supposed to share.
Remember?
Ten minutes.
Yeah, right.
So we didn't make any money.
Cut it out, Anne.
Sorry. Anne's just
being a bitch.
Man, she's looking so
fine these days.
Oh, dude.
Gross.
You have no idea.
You ask your dad about
the station wagon?
Not yet.
I will do it.
Okay. It just has to
be perfect timing.
So what's Samson's plan.
He said he'd pay for us.
We just got to make
all his deliveries.
Deliveries?
[Soft music]
Well. Hello there.
Hi. Uh, I'm, um.
Randy. I'm here to complete
a delivery for Famway,
delivery for, uh, Sampson Swift.
Lillian, come here quick.
It's just the cutest thing ever.
I'm watching my show.
There's a big load
of Famway soap here.
Oh, is it Sampson?
One of his minions.
Is he pretty too?
I don't know.
Are you pretty?
Little kitty cat.
Meow.
Good work.
Mr. Parker, your ship
is sinking.
I heard at the.
PTA meeting that the kids these
days are drinking beer and
smoking pot and whatnot, and I
am not going to let that happen
to my little teddy bear.
So,
some of the guys are going
backpacking next week.
Do you think I could go?
Yeah, I suppose.
Just be careful.
Think we could
take the station wagon?
You're gonna have to ask
your father about that.
Yeah, but don't don't
ask him tonight.
He's working late.
You know how.
Yeah.
Speak of the devil.
Here, here.
[Police siren]
[Knocking on door]
Yes.
Hello, Mary.
Oh, Bill.
I didn't recognize you.
The uniform.
Oh, I know.
It makes me look taller.
Please come in.
Can I get you some coffee?
No, thanks.
Hey, Randy.
You remember Mr.
Barber from church?
Hi.
Can I speak to you?
Randy, go to your room.
But our show is not over yet.
Now.
One second.
Thank you, thank you.
Mhm.
Uh, sorry to bother
you this time.
Um, we had a run in with
Frank earlier, and he's okay.
He just.
He thought tonight would be
a good night to go swimming.
And he went down at the
condominiums on fourth, and
several condo tenants saw him
running around the pool area.
Naked.
He had a.
Had an erection.
And there was a four year old
girl involved who
may need counseling.
Apparently he parked in a red
zone and taken off his clothes
and left him in the car.
The vehicle was towed while
he was swimming, and, uh.
Well, we found him an hour
later, just hiding
in a dumpster.
Oh my God.
No. I pulled a couple strings,
and I got him outside in the
squad car.
Oh.
Do you have a robe or something?
Uh, yeah. Of course.
Of course.
[Chatter on TV]
Will this do?
Yes, yes.
Thank you.
[TV chatter]
Now we need to hold on
to your driver's license.
And the vehicle will remain
impounded until you
talk to a judge.
Yeah.
What is that smell?
I'm taking a shower.
Move.
Uh.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah no problem.
Yep.
Good night.
Thank you.
You know how when
something really freaky
happens, you kind of space out
and think about
stupid, normal stuff?
Like that girl with the
umbrella on the salt box.
And on that box, there's a girl
with an umbrella holding a box
of salt. And it just, you know,
kind of keeps going.
Like mirrors in a barber shop.
God damn it, Randy.
Fucked up again, man.
What the fuck do you mean?
What am I supposed to do?
My dad, he says there's
something wrong with the
transmission or something.
Well, how long is
that gonna take?
You know my dad.
Hey, look, it's Sampson.
He'll know what to do.
Oh praise God!
What's going on, dudes?
We're fucked man.
Randy here doesn't
got the transpo.
Oh, shit.
It's just my dad.
Okay. He's literally
taking the car apart.
It's just in pieces
in the garage.
All right, you know what?
Say no more my boys.
Okay. All problems
have a solution.
Did he just call us his boys?
So, plan B.
Let's do some positive
visualization, okay.
Power of positive thinking.
Anybody ever read that?
You should read that.
Adam, you look kind of smart.
Um.
Noted, man. Yeah.
You visualize what you
want, and God coughs it up.
I mean, it's fucking beautiful.
I'm down to give it a try, man.
Like, what do we think
about a car or something?
No, what? Pussy.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Dude, this is stupid. Alright.
You got a better idea?
No, but, look,
forget the God shit.
How about that?
Hey, you want to bang
pussy or not, Adam.
Of course.
That's what I thought.
So when I say go, I want
everybody to think as hard as
they can, okay?
And no laughing.
No talking.
None of that bullshit.
All right.
All right.
Ready?
Go.
[Hip hop music]
Oh.
[Farting]
- Dude!
- Dude!
You fucker!
I'm gonna fuck you a new
asshole and plug those farts.
Are you ready to get
fucked by the Sampsonator?
Sampson stop it bro!
- You ready?
- No, bro.
- You ready for it?
- Get off of me bro.
You think of your mom
while I'm doing this.
[Laughter]
Oh my God, bro.
What the fuck, bro?
Oh, not funny bro. Not funny.
[Eagle screech]
Hey, you Trojan fans, let
me see you clap your hands.
Hey, you Trojan fans.
Let me see you clap your hands.
Getting ready for your trip?
Kinda. But we, uh,
do still need a car.
About the other night.
Your father's been under a lot
of stress at work, and, well,
you know how you boys used to
go skinny dipping on those hot
summer nights?
Well, your father was
feeling hot and tired, and.
He didn't think.
And he went skinny dipping
in someone else's pool.
And of course, the
police overreacted.
It's a big misunderstanding.
He's taking a few weeks off
from work, and he's agreed to
go talk to a nice
man about things.
You understand?
And not that it's a big deal
and all, but don't go telling
Adam or Mark.
That's all.
Hey, mom.
Yes.
Have you, uh, seen my
sleeping bag at all?
It's not in your closet.
No.
Why don't you go
ask your father?
[Piano music]
I'm going to Adam's.
Dinner's at seven.
Okay.
Did you find your sleeping bag?
No.
Did you ask your father?
Randy.
Yeah.
I, uh.
I fixed that sticky
gearshift on your bike.
Oh.
Okay.
So what do you say?
Want to check her out?
I really gotta run.
Yeah.
But, uh maybe later.
Sure.
[Rock music]
Hey.
Hey. What's up?
I don't know.
You okay?
Sure. Do you have a
sleeping bag I could borrow?
It's goose down from Ray, so
maybe, you know,
don't pee in it.
I won't.
- Kidding.
- Oh.
[Laughs]
So I hear you going to a
whorehouse with your buddies.
What? No. Who
said that?
Uh, that friend of yours, Mark.
He told everyone
in the cafeteria.
Okay well, first of all,
Mark is crazy. So there.
Mhm.
Me and Adam are just
gonna go backpacking.
That's it.
Really?
- Really.
- Really?
I'm serious.
Okay.
I'm not kidding.
Okay.
- I swear to God.
- I'm a Buddhist.
I swear to Buddhist.
So.
Maybe, like.
Don't go.
[Rock music continues]
Oh, yeah. If I.
We should try sitting down.
Right? Yeah.
Oh, yeah yeah.
Yeah yeah, yeah.
No, sit here, sit here.
I can just.
Come in now.
What? What's wrong?
What am I?
Uh, I just remembered I have
to cook my dad dinner before he
passes out.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah for sure.
Sorry.
No, it's, it's okay.
Sorry, I wasn't better at it.
- So yeah.
- I'll go, I'll go.
Sorry. Can I keep this?
Yeah. Of course.
Yeah.
Won't pee in it.
[Rock music continues]
Hey, you.
- Hello.
- Hello?
Gee, he's so formal.
So, how's the book report going?
Randy, let's just
be friends, okay?
- Okay.
- Cool.
Cause I know it could
be, like, weird and all.
Kissing a black girl, and
you're so fucking like
Richie Cunningham.
What?
No. I'm not.
I mean, I'm not like prejudice.
You know, I'm.
I mean, I watched
The Jeffersons.
I'm definitely not prejudice.
Yeah, that's fucking hilarious.
- I wasn't saying.
- Hey, dude.
Kitty ranch.
I'm in the middle of
something right now.
Bro Sampson's brother,
he gave us his wheels.
It's an El Dorado.
It's called the Black Beast.
I have a class
that I can't skip.
Ditch it.
Yo, Adam.
What?
Nothing. Have fun on your trip.
Luke.
I hear music.
Just open the fucking door.
You can't just open
the fucking door.
He's got a gun.
Hey.
You okay?
Shamzie.
I'm flying on a spaceship.
We're headed to Mars.
Me and my alien bride.
Little dude, look
at your hair, man.
It's dancing in the wind.
Hi hairs.
Hey, man, we need
the black beast.
Remember.
Take everything.
Have it all.
Life is beautiful, man.
Um. Keys.
No. No keys.
Keys, keys are
meaningless, man.
Keys are a trap.
Watergate. And the
underground tunnel in Alameda.
Talk about Bigfoot.
Keys.
Hang on, guys.
Try my jeans, man.
Hot tub.
Okay, little ones,
listen to this.
Boys. Gather round.
I've been thinking
about this all day long.
It's just.
I Luke, wild and freaky.
I got you the grog.
The keg.
Right. But that failed you.
Because, kids, they
suck at parties.
It's okay. It's not your fault.
But the soap and the
soap related products.
Famway.
Boom! Famway.
Which he sold to those
little old ladies.
It gave you the golden ticket.
Hey, I can't find your keys.
I now offer you my bitchin
wheels to procure your glorious
whore pussy waiting wet for
your hard, untouched cocks.
In this moment, I'm the most
important person in your lives.
And you'll always remember me.
Especially you, my pretty.
Oh, dude, that's so foul.
So always.
always keep your eyes open.
So let the rain fall down.
And let it soak
up your sunshine.
- Dude.
- Oh, yeah.
Yes!
Hey, always remember it was me
that gave you the keys.
Whatever that means.
Later, little dude.
[Upbeat music]
[Engine revving]
Oh, okay. Does anybody even
see anything?
There, there.
This is weird.
[Music continues]
What the fuck is this?
It's just a,
house.
A weird house.
That was at least expecting,
like a mansion or like, above a
saloon or something.
Like in Westworld.
- It's a good movie.
- Yeah, it is.
I'd love to fuck a lady robot.
It would feel so utopic.
Guys look.
[Sheep bleating]
Come on, fuckers, let's go.
You first.
I'll go with you.
Okay. Me too.
Shit! Then I'm coming.
Guys.
We can't all go at
the same fucking time.
Why not?
It would look suspicious.
- Yeah.
- Of what?
Like we're fucking kids.
Like we don't know anything.
All right, guys, listen,
we'll tag team it, okay?
Me and Mark will go first.
And you and Randy
just stay here.
You know, just in case.
Sounds good.
Well, let's fucking get laid.
It looks like you boys will
be getting my sloppy seconds.
Mark.
What's up bro?
That's it.
They're inside.
Your turn.
So how was it?
Oh, it was fucking great.
- Any problems?
- No sweat.
So you just go in there and.
Just go inside, you'll see.
- Shouldn't we wait for Mark.
- Just go in.
Jesus. Come on.
I thought we were
supposed to tag team it.
Oh, show me some skin.
Now get in there,
boys. Let's go.
You got this.
It's gonna be fun.
It's a great time.
[Doorbell buzzing]
I'm cool.
[Laughs]
Cold as ice.
[Door slams]
That was weird.
What do you.
What do you mean it was weird?
I'll tell you later.
You okay?
Yeah. Never mind.
It is what it is.
How was yours.
It was great.
I mean, like, better
than your hand.
[Laughing]
Not your hand.
My hand.
I.
Now there's an endorsement.
For sure.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Yep.
[Electric guitar music]
So I picked the finest one, and
I started smooth
talking her and shit.
And then I get her to the room,
man, and I just start fucking
her, man.
Oh my God.
[Heavy breathing]
Ow.
Ow.
- Stop!
- Oh, shit.
I'm sorry.
You're just too big for me.
What the fuck?
Stand up.
Let me jerk you off.
Fuck, yeah.
Got a nice big dick.
Oh, yeah, but you're
smoking and stroking.
Oh, you should do porn.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Big money's in gay porn.
Big money.
She must have come,
like, 3 or 4 times.
- Damn.
- Wow.
So, uh, Adam.
How was it?
Shit, man.
I did just like Mark, right?
I picked the finest girl.
She was real cute.
She was so cute.
Like Linda Blair.
Mother sucks cocks in hell.
- Fuck.
- What's up honey?
You got a problem?
You ain't shooting
up or something.
I'm so sorry.
This isn't right.
This is so fucked up.
Are you okay?
Do they ever let you leave?
Oh, Lord, this is
some real bullshit.
Do we have a problem here?
And then I came
all over her face.
It was great.
You. You came on her face?
Yeah.
No you didn't.
What the.
She must have really liked me.
Shit, man.
They don't let anyone do that.
At least not me.
Hey, praise the Lord.
Fuck, yes, praise the Lord.
Well, uh, I hate to break it
to you guys, but I got you all
beat because I fucked two
whores at the same time.
All right, lift up your shirt.
I'm gonna examine you.
Okay?
Yeah, I know, I know.
Oh, you've been here before.
Oh, yeah. I'm a pro.
Okay.
Did you just take a pee?
Mhm.
Okay.
Oh, wait, wait.
Let go, let go!
Oh, fuck!
Damn! It wasn't even hard.
Oh, that was easy money.
Give me five, dude.
So righteous, Sampson.
Okay, so, Randy, let's
hear about you, man.
Uh, well, it was.
I mean, it was
amazing, number one.
Um, she was,
really nice.
Nice you said.
You don't fuck nice, Randy.
I know, I'm sorry, but I gotta
agree with Mark on this one.
See, nice means, like, ugly as
fuck, and, well, you know, ugly
means you gotta throw a paper
bag over her head and fuck her
from behind.
That's how it goes.
Go on, Randy.
Come on.
Okay, so hold
this under your balls.
Okay.
You don't got no
diseases, do you?
No, no, no, of course not.
I am this.
This is.
Are you a virgin?
Yeah.
It's okay.
Okay.
Just nice and clean.
Just the way I like it.
Okay.
Mm.
Don't it get any bigger?
I had beer, so I'm,
you know, just totally.
Okay. All right.
Um, here's what we're gonna do.
Sit here.
You get naked.
Okay, I'll be right back.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Well, look at that.
He got hard.
Okay, so what we're gonna do,
I'm gonna lay you back over
here, okay?
Okay. I'm gonna give
you head and fuck you.
Okay?
Okay. Okay.
It's gonna be fun.
Oh my God.
Oh, God.
Okay.
So just relax.
Alright?
You like that?
God.
I.
I, I came, I came.
Oh.
Great.
In and out.
Okay.
Great job. Huh?
Really?
Yeah. That was super good.
I mean, you come a lot.
Oh, is that, um.
Is is that bad?
Did it hurt?
No, I didn't feel a thing.
And that was that.
Fuckin A. Damn.
I know.
Oh, Randy's a horndog over here.
[Howling]
Okay Randy.
- Dude.
- Dude.
- I mean.
- No way.
That's dandy Randy
right there, man.
No, it's handy Randy.
Handy, Randy.
Did she give you a handy?
Did she give him a handy?
Of course she did.
He gives himself enough
handies every day, huh?
There you go.
That's my card.
[Laughs]
That's.
That's funny.
Thanks. You're a sweet kid.
Thanks.
Um.
Are you sure you like girls?
What?
Yeah. Of course.
Why? I mean, was it not.
Was it, was it not
good for you?
Oh, yeah, it was.
It was great.
Almost as good as my girlfriend.
Wait, what?
Oh, never you mind.
Anyway. Yeah, it was great, kid.
It was awesome. Loved it.
Thank you.
Trixie. Is that your name?
I guess.
[Electric guitar music]
Mom, I'm home!
Mom?
Randy. We went to visit your
Aunt Dorothy at the hospital.
She's not doing too well.
There's leftovers in
the fridge.
Make sure and do the dishes.
You know how your father
gets if there's dirty dishes.
We should be back by dinnertime.
Love, mom.
[Knocking on door]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, here you go.
Finally. Should I
have it fumigated?
Uh, no, I, uh, I didn't go.
Besides, I don't, uh, have
to pay for it anyway, so.
Did your friends go?
I don't know.
Who cares?
A bunch of idiots.
They're not idiots.
Whatever.
So, uh, would you,
uh, would you want to,
do you want to go out sometime?
What do you mean, out?
Out. Go out.
You know, like, we could,
uh, we could get some beer.
We could, uh, go
to Skyline Drive.
- Randy.
- What?
Stop.
There you go.
See,
I did go.
Uh, see you around.
See you.
[Harp music]
[Running water]
Stupid baby face.
Where's mom?
Hospital
Visiting, what's her face.
So.
What's all that?
Nothing. I've got to pee.
What? Hey!
What is on your freaking face?
Oh.
No.
This.
This is why you hate
working on the cars with me.
Damn you.
Did you think you look pretty?
Because you don't.
You don't.
God damn you!
You know, you're the
last male in this family.
You're it.
You're the last, Parker.
And you're supposed
to give us a grandson.
What?
Me and Mark went,
to a whorehouse.
[Laughter]
Okay. Go on.
Her name's on the card.
Yeah.
Okay.
Trixie.
That's good.
Open your mouth.
I want you to prove to me.
That you really went.
Eat it.
Eat it.
It's paper.
Swallow the fucking paper, kid.
Swallow it.
Swallow it!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
[Rock music playing]
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
Hello? Oh, hello Randy.
Is Mark here?
No, I think they went to Adams.
Yeah.
What I meant was Sampson's.
- It's Sampson's brother.
- Luke's?
No. Yeah, sure.
That sounds good.
Do you want a cocktail?
Do you need a shirt?
[Slow rock music]
Hey, it's the little dude.
Whoa! What happened
to your face?
No, no, man, I like it.
Looks like you ate
a wild raccoon live.
Are the guys here?
No, no.
No, man.
Man, they trashed my wheels.
Fuck them!
Wanna gonna get high?
Yeah.
[Music continues]
Hey, man.
This is a safe space.
Leave all that bad shit outside.
Whatever's going on, it's just
the man stepping on your groove.
Okay?
All those people out there,
they're just pretending.
With their suits and
their briefcases.
They don't know shit.
The only person that
knows shit is Einstein.
But he's a hermaphrodite.
All these laws about whether
you're supposed to pee in the
wind or fart in public or not.
It's all made up.
Dig it?
This.
This is real.
Open your mouth.
Now inhale.
[Music continues]
Yeah, man, this is good shit.
Wow that's a,
really strong weed.
It isn't weed.
Oh.
- Okay.
- One more.
[Music continues]
Sit down.
Welcome to my magic carpet ride.
Mariah.
[Peaceful music]
[TV static]
Hi.
Nice trip?
How long was I?
Don't worry about it.
Hey, come on, hot tub.
Come on, little dude.
[Hot tub bubbling]
Ooh.
So, uh.
What's with the
Maybelline on your face?
I mean, it's cool and all, but.
I don't know.
Much better.
You like that smoke?
Do you have any more?
No.
You're just gonna want more
and more, and then you're dead.
I'm almost there.
You want to see something?
Okay.
I'm gonna put myself into a
far out, meditative trance.
And I may say some
things, but I just.
I want you to play along.
Okay.
Okay, sure.
This is totally safe.
I learned this from this
really cool Moonie priest.
It's like an ancient thing.
Okay, put your finger like this.
Keep it up.
And don't put it down
till my eyes are closed.
Okay?
Oh, okay.
Now be very quiet.
This is the tricky part.
You got the tickets?
The what?
The tickets to the
jumbo jet, baby.
Yeah.
Honeymoon time.
Who's your bride?
You are my pretty.
747 I love this wide body.
Look, there's the
spiral staircase.
Come on.
First class.
Up we go.
You first.
Hold my hand. Come with me.
Damn! Look at the
honeymoon suite.
It is huge.
And that bed is huge.
Now, where are you?
My pretty face.
How about down here?
There it is.
Someone is awake.
I'll take these off.
I don't, I don't know.
It's okay.
Don't worry.
Just don't tell anyone.
Cross my heart.
Touch down.
Don't kiss.
Sorry,
I have an idea.
[Grunting]
Mhm.
So what happened?
I never know what happens
when I'm in a trance.
[Rooster crows]
[Crickets chirping]
What the fuck?
[Slow rock music]
You are so busted.
Shut up.
So you went to a whorehouse?
Really?
That's awesome.
I thought you were,
like, dead inside.
Surprise.
So you're actually normal?
Are you okay?
What do you mean?
You look a little funny.
I do?
Yeah, I wish I had a mirror.
Also, nice t-shirt.
What are you, a hippie now?
Stop!
No. Well, maybe I.
I did smoke a joint,
but it wasn't pot.
I did, you see God?
No. Shut up.
There was this guy.
His name was Luke, and he had,
um, a joint, but it wasn't
really a joint.
And I was floating.
It was.
Like, beautiful.
It was like I was in a movie
for, like, a few minutes or an
hour or two hours.
I don't really know, but
I feel like I lost
a piece of my brain.
Or I'm growing a new piece
really, really, really fast.
It's kind of like that book I
was reading by, um,
what's his name?
Kafka. Kafka.
I get it now.
Huh?
Don't tell anybody.
Okay. Who's Luke?
And what about the whorehouse?
Wow.
Thank you.
You're a good listener.
Okay, I'll send you a postcard.
Yeah, well, you better get
going inside.
They're waiting for you.
No shit.
Go, go.
Can you explain yourself?
Well, I'll be in the garage.
You know what I think.
Frank, this is important.
Tell him.
Say it.
You know.
You know I love you, son.
You know that.
Go on, give him a hug.
Listen to your mother.
Not even a hug, huh?
You can't say he didn't try.
We just want you to
know that those women.
They're not real, and
they won't make you happy.
Understand?
You hear me?
And whatever happened
between you and your father.
All I know is that when I came
home, he was yelling about
dishes in the sink.
And you going to
that deplorable.
I don't get it.
Why on earth did you go there?
I mean, what the
hell is going on?
Me little baby?
Well, we have decided that
we're not going to punish you
for going to that
deplorable place.
I think you've learned
a lesson there, huh?
You want to get high.
Or for disappearing last night?
Because I know that you're
a father can get angry.
I mean, sometimes even
I want to run away.
So, but I don't.
So we have decided that you are
going to be grounded for one
week for not doing the dishes.
For not doing the dishes?
Yes.
That's crazy.
Well that's life.
I am,
seriously confused right now.
And luckily, you'll have lots
of time to get unconfused.
Sorry.
Grounded.
Grounded. Grounded sucks.
I mean, straight
home from school.
And the worst.
No TV, but there is my stereo.
That's mine.
And mine is mine.
Especially when no
one else can hear.
Because headphones.
Then no one knows what
you're listening to.
But when I move out
and God, I can't wait.
No headphones and I will
seriously play it full blast.
Fuck everyone.
Well, not everyone.
[Hard rock music]
[Glass shattering]
[Bell ringing]
Boner.
[Laughter]
Funny word.
I wonder who made it up.
Like, who was that first guy?
To just say boner?
If you think about it long
enough, you probably get one.
I mean, I do.
And it is so worth it when
you're alone just before you
blow and everything else
in the world disappears.
[Peaceful orchestra music]
But the really great part is
what you don't think about
all the crappy, boring shit
you have to do that you hate.
[Knocking on door]
In a minute.
[Peaceful music continues]
One, two.
Hand me a rag, will you?
[Dog barking]
Light.
And seriously, anything
is better than holding the
fucking flashlight while dad
pretends to be a car mechanic.
[Horn honking]
Come on, Randy, let's go.
Dad, do you think I could, uh.
Go on.
Get. Give me the
damn flashlight.
You know, it's not all
driving around chasing girls.
[Soft rock music]
Kitty boys.
That's us.
So we got the name from this
legal brothel in Nevada, the
kitty ranch.
And I know you got to pay for
it, but no more virgin crap.
Mark's my best friend, I
guess, but also a real dick.
Which is why he calls me Dandy
Randy and shit, even though I'm
not dandy.
And going to the kitty ranch
will definitely prove I'm not,
you know, dandy.
And then there's Mark's friend
Samson, who knows everything
about the kitty ranch.
His older brother took him
there last year
for his birthday.
So he's the professional.
Adam is also a,
you know, virgin.
But he's also really smart,
like Genius, but no one can
tell because he's
stoned all the time.
He took this picture of us
so we could have something to
remember when we got old.
I mean, we couldn't take home
a souvenir from a whorehouse.
You know what I mean?
There, there.
Let's fucking get laid.
I came all over her face.
[Clock ticking]
Big basketball sized cities.
Basket, basketball.
Tit, titties.
I love basketball.
I caused a natural
disaster, bro.
Hell, yeah.
I mean, you're not gonna be
playing basketball with her.
I could be.
Oh, Jesus.
I myself want a woman that
knows how to dress herself.
Because then, you know,
I'm more attracted to that.
And maybe she could give
me some fashion sense.
Jesus fucking Christ, guys.
Leave your dicks back
in kindergarten.
It's like a candy
wrapper, right?
When you look.
At candy.
You're not attracted to
what the candy looks like.
Candy normally looks like shit.
You're attracted
to the wrapper.
Oh my God, dude.
You're trying to
undress her, man.
You're trying to get
her naked and nail her.
Right, but I'm just kind of
thinking about more than that.
[Rock music playing]
Amway. Fucking rule.
Sampson sells soap and
household
products to the
neighborhood moms.
253 Buck-a-rooney's
in one hour.
He wants to be a
millionaire by 25.
So I guess he's the guy to take
charge of our
mission to get laid.
All you got to do is get, like,
ten people to sign up, and then
you step up to junior bronze.
And that is where the money is.
Here. It's yours.
Rick Van Rich is a fucking
free market genius.
He's fucking brilliant.
Oh, and by the way, you might
want to lose the
baby face, my friend.
Flirting with the
customers is key.
And while the housewives love a
strong jawline,
you'll get there.
But listen to that tape.
I got a whole box full.
A seriously mark, $60
gets you a starter kit.
If I had 60 bucks I'd spend
it on some pussy.
Fucking A. Now, that
is number one, boys.
Okay. The good lord put pussy
on this earth to be banged.
I hear that you boys need my
wisdom on purchasing said pussy.
Gotta get Randy here laid
before his dick falls off from
lack of use.
You won't get laid, huh?
Yeah.
I want some pussy.
Hey, there's nothing
funny about
a man wanting some pussy, Mark.
- Yeah, but.
- I said there's nothing funny.
All right.
Okay, maybe I'll tag along.
And not because I
need to pay for it.
Because I got those bitches
lining up begging
for my sweet dick.
There's no room in
your bug, though.
Randy's dad's got
a station wagon.
Bitchin. Randy, my man,
we're gonna get you laid.
[Cat meowing]
[Birds chirping]
[Flute music]
Almost done with homework?
Almost.
Hurry up. It's based 1999 time.
3, 2, 1, 0.
All engine running.
Liftoff! We have a liftoff.
[Music continues]
Open your textbooks
to page 85, please.
All right.
When an individual sperm.
Mr. Randy Parker,
can you tell us?
Uh.
Can you repeat the
question, please?
When an individual sperm
fertilizes an egg, what
immediately happens to the egg?
[Quiet chatter and
laughter from class]
Let's focus people.
Who has the answer for
Mr. Parker?
Yes. Uh, new girl, miss, uh.
Melissa.
Yes. Go on.
Okay. So the egg, like, shuts
so that all the other sperm
can't get in.
Exactly.
- Dyke.
- Shut up, pussy face.
Melissa!
What about him?
I will not have that kind
of language in my classroom.
From a girl, you mean.
Vice principal now?
Not a good start, young lady.
And it begins.
And do something
about that hair.
This is not Star Wars.
[Laughter]
Redemption time for Mr. Parker.
Because you're
teetering on a solid D.
It's Randy, right?
Yeah. Yeah, Randy.
Hi. um,
uh. Melissa.
Yeah, Melissa the dyke.
Oh, but I'm not really a dyke.
No. Yeah, I know.
I, I didn't, I just I was
just making conversation.
Ooh. Metamorphosis.
How you liking it?
I don't think I
quite understand it.
Keep reading it.
You will.
Well, I have to have a book
report about it due next week.
I could help.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Just come over to my place.
You know where, uh, Saint
Mary's and Helen Lane cross?
Yeah. That's literally, like,
down the street from me.
Really? Give me your hand.
Okay, okay. That tickles. Stop.
Just come over any
time after four.
Yeah. Okay.
So here's the plan, boys.
We're gonna throw a kegger
party charge about
$5 each per head.
That's enough to get us sucked
and fucked at the kitty ranch,
don't you think?
Yeah. Twice over.
What do you think, Randy?
Well, I, uh.
Come on, dude, like, why
are you asking Randy, bro?
He's just gonna be all
awkward at the party anyways.
I don't know, he's.
Fuck you, Mark.
I'm gonna be fucking so
many more whores than you are.
You know I love you, pal.
[Laughs]
Amazing. That was amazing.
Yeah that's, that's
all I know so far.
You know, you're a really
great cello player.
- You know.
- Cellist.
Right? Cellist.
My friends and I are
throwing a party tonight.
You should come.
You know, we're
gonna have a keg.
It's gonna be a kegger.
I don't like beer.
Well, maybe you
could come anyway.
- Shit.
- What?
I totally forgot.
I have to go.
Go where?
I have tennis practice.
Where's your racquet?
I have to go.
Hey, what about
your book report?
[Orchestra music]
Fuck, yeah, that's a kegger.
Thanks, Luke.
I owe you.
Don't mention it.
What are big brothers for?
Hey, no charge to get in.
Be there.
I can't make it.
- Business.
- Boring.
You guys want some weed?
Molly wolly.
How much are we talking?
40 for a lid.
Dude, all I got is five bucks.
What about you, little dude?
You want some weed?
I, uh.
On me.
Uh, thank you.
Uh, what about me?
That's the last.
Hey, you guys share.
Give me some money
when you got some.
Better share, you fucker.
Be nice.
Alright, Please share.
That's better.
Catch you boys later.
Whatever. I don't like
weed anyway.
Yes, that's a wise
move there, Randy.
Man, how can anyone hate
pot, you know?
It makes me,
- weird.
- Weird?
It's a little late for that.
[Loud music and laughter]
All right.
Uh, $5 kegs in the back.
My party fuckers!
Give me the fucking beer!
[Laughter]
[Music continues]
This party fucking sucks.
Can I have a beer?
[Crickets]
[Quiet soft rock]
I better go home.
It's a party.
Gotta stay.
Don't make me sit on you.
You know something?
You were my best friend.
I'm such a fucker to
you, aren't I, Randy?
There's no bottom
to this shit, man.
Who the fuck am I?
Who the fuck are you guys to me?
Who the fuck are you
guys to you?
Little dandy Randy.
So I better shut up.
[Indistinct drunk singing]
I am so fucked up.
[Screaming]
Randy? Is that you?
Yeah.
How was the party?
Okay.
Is everything all right?
Yeah.
Did you tell your father
to turn down the TV?
- Okay.
- Good night.
Okay.
[Screaming on TV continues]
-What?
- Good morning.
I bet you have a
really bad hangover.
Oh, God.
I heard Mark had a
kegger party last night.
Yeah. So what?
So Randy's got a hangover.
Stop.
Anne leave your brother alone.
You're lucky she thinks
you're a goody goody.
Please stop.
So, was it like a makeout party?
Like, did you kiss anyone?
Why would I tell you?
Oh, my God, you did!
You kissed someone!
What's her name?
Do I know her?
I could see if she likes you.
Was it Donna?
I bet it was Donna.
I can seriously help you out.
I'm really good at this stuff.
Who's Donna?
Oh, my God, you are such
a dorky, celibate priest.
[Pan sizzling]
Mom.
[Laughing]
Can I ask you a question?
Mhm.
So if, um, Darwin was right,
does that mean that Genesis is
a myth?
No. Genesis is in the Bible.
Those are two separate things.
Who told you it was a myth?
No one told me that.
I don't know. Nevermind.
I just, uh.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Frank. You're getting
grease on the broccoli.
It'll wash off.
Am I right, Randy?
I need you to help
me out in the garage.
Okay?
I um.
I got a midterm, so I.
Frank he's got homework.
Yeah. These cars aren't
gonna fix themselves.
I'm trying to teach
the kid something.
Come on!
Hup two soldier!
Sorry.
Fuck.
Light.
Sorry.
- Dad.
- What?
Can I, uh,
borrow the station
wagon next weekend?
Ah!
Damn it!
[Knocking on door]
- What?
- Can I use the phone.
What's in it for me?
We're supposed to share.
Remember?
Ten minutes.
Yeah, right.
So we didn't make any money.
Cut it out, Anne.
Sorry. Anne's just
being a bitch.
Man, she's looking so
fine these days.
Oh, dude.
Gross.
You have no idea.
You ask your dad about
the station wagon?
Not yet.
I will do it.
Okay. It just has to
be perfect timing.
So what's Samson's plan.
He said he'd pay for us.
We just got to make
all his deliveries.
Deliveries?
[Soft music]
Well. Hello there.
Hi. Uh, I'm, um.
Randy. I'm here to complete
a delivery for Famway,
delivery for, uh, Sampson Swift.
Lillian, come here quick.
It's just the cutest thing ever.
I'm watching my show.
There's a big load
of Famway soap here.
Oh, is it Sampson?
One of his minions.
Is he pretty too?
I don't know.
Are you pretty?
Little kitty cat.
Meow.
Good work.
Mr. Parker, your ship
is sinking.
I heard at the.
PTA meeting that the kids these
days are drinking beer and
smoking pot and whatnot, and I
am not going to let that happen
to my little teddy bear.
So,
some of the guys are going
backpacking next week.
Do you think I could go?
Yeah, I suppose.
Just be careful.
Think we could
take the station wagon?
You're gonna have to ask
your father about that.
Yeah, but don't don't
ask him tonight.
He's working late.
You know how.
Yeah.
Speak of the devil.
Here, here.
[Police siren]
[Knocking on door]
Yes.
Hello, Mary.
Oh, Bill.
I didn't recognize you.
The uniform.
Oh, I know.
It makes me look taller.
Please come in.
Can I get you some coffee?
No, thanks.
Hey, Randy.
You remember Mr.
Barber from church?
Hi.
Can I speak to you?
Randy, go to your room.
But our show is not over yet.
Now.
One second.
Thank you, thank you.
Mhm.
Uh, sorry to bother
you this time.
Um, we had a run in with
Frank earlier, and he's okay.
He just.
He thought tonight would be
a good night to go swimming.
And he went down at the
condominiums on fourth, and
several condo tenants saw him
running around the pool area.
Naked.
He had a.
Had an erection.
And there was a four year old
girl involved who
may need counseling.
Apparently he parked in a red
zone and taken off his clothes
and left him in the car.
The vehicle was towed while
he was swimming, and, uh.
Well, we found him an hour
later, just hiding
in a dumpster.
Oh my God.
No. I pulled a couple strings,
and I got him outside in the
squad car.
Oh.
Do you have a robe or something?
Uh, yeah. Of course.
Of course.
[Chatter on TV]
Will this do?
Yes, yes.
Thank you.
[TV chatter]
Now we need to hold on
to your driver's license.
And the vehicle will remain
impounded until you
talk to a judge.
Yeah.
What is that smell?
I'm taking a shower.
Move.
Uh.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah no problem.
Yep.
Good night.
Thank you.
You know how when
something really freaky
happens, you kind of space out
and think about
stupid, normal stuff?
Like that girl with the
umbrella on the salt box.
And on that box, there's a girl
with an umbrella holding a box
of salt. And it just, you know,
kind of keeps going.
Like mirrors in a barber shop.
God damn it, Randy.
Fucked up again, man.
What the fuck do you mean?
What am I supposed to do?
My dad, he says there's
something wrong with the
transmission or something.
Well, how long is
that gonna take?
You know my dad.
Hey, look, it's Sampson.
He'll know what to do.
Oh praise God!
What's going on, dudes?
We're fucked man.
Randy here doesn't
got the transpo.
Oh, shit.
It's just my dad.
Okay. He's literally
taking the car apart.
It's just in pieces
in the garage.
All right, you know what?
Say no more my boys.
Okay. All problems
have a solution.
Did he just call us his boys?
So, plan B.
Let's do some positive
visualization, okay.
Power of positive thinking.
Anybody ever read that?
You should read that.
Adam, you look kind of smart.
Um.
Noted, man. Yeah.
You visualize what you
want, and God coughs it up.
I mean, it's fucking beautiful.
I'm down to give it a try, man.
Like, what do we think
about a car or something?
No, what? Pussy.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Dude, this is stupid. Alright.
You got a better idea?
No, but, look,
forget the God shit.
How about that?
Hey, you want to bang
pussy or not, Adam.
Of course.
That's what I thought.
So when I say go, I want
everybody to think as hard as
they can, okay?
And no laughing.
No talking.
None of that bullshit.
All right.
All right.
Ready?
Go.
[Hip hop music]
Oh.
[Farting]
- Dude!
- Dude!
You fucker!
I'm gonna fuck you a new
asshole and plug those farts.
Are you ready to get
fucked by the Sampsonator?
Sampson stop it bro!
- You ready?
- No, bro.
- You ready for it?
- Get off of me bro.
You think of your mom
while I'm doing this.
[Laughter]
Oh my God, bro.
What the fuck, bro?
Oh, not funny bro. Not funny.
[Eagle screech]
Hey, you Trojan fans, let
me see you clap your hands.
Hey, you Trojan fans.
Let me see you clap your hands.
Getting ready for your trip?
Kinda. But we, uh,
do still need a car.
About the other night.
Your father's been under a lot
of stress at work, and, well,
you know how you boys used to
go skinny dipping on those hot
summer nights?
Well, your father was
feeling hot and tired, and.
He didn't think.
And he went skinny dipping
in someone else's pool.
And of course, the
police overreacted.
It's a big misunderstanding.
He's taking a few weeks off
from work, and he's agreed to
go talk to a nice
man about things.
You understand?
And not that it's a big deal
and all, but don't go telling
Adam or Mark.
That's all.
Hey, mom.
Yes.
Have you, uh, seen my
sleeping bag at all?
It's not in your closet.
No.
Why don't you go
ask your father?
[Piano music]
I'm going to Adam's.
Dinner's at seven.
Okay.
Did you find your sleeping bag?
No.
Did you ask your father?
Randy.
Yeah.
I, uh.
I fixed that sticky
gearshift on your bike.
Oh.
Okay.
So what do you say?
Want to check her out?
I really gotta run.
Yeah.
But, uh maybe later.
Sure.
[Rock music]
Hey.
Hey. What's up?
I don't know.
You okay?
Sure. Do you have a
sleeping bag I could borrow?
It's goose down from Ray, so
maybe, you know,
don't pee in it.
I won't.
- Kidding.
- Oh.
[Laughs]
So I hear you going to a
whorehouse with your buddies.
What? No. Who
said that?
Uh, that friend of yours, Mark.
He told everyone
in the cafeteria.
Okay well, first of all,
Mark is crazy. So there.
Mhm.
Me and Adam are just
gonna go backpacking.
That's it.
Really?
- Really.
- Really?
I'm serious.
Okay.
I'm not kidding.
Okay.
- I swear to God.
- I'm a Buddhist.
I swear to Buddhist.
So.
Maybe, like.
Don't go.
[Rock music continues]
Oh, yeah. If I.
We should try sitting down.
Right? Yeah.
Oh, yeah yeah.
Yeah yeah, yeah.
No, sit here, sit here.
I can just.
Come in now.
What? What's wrong?
What am I?
Uh, I just remembered I have
to cook my dad dinner before he
passes out.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah for sure.
Sorry.
No, it's, it's okay.
Sorry, I wasn't better at it.
- So yeah.
- I'll go, I'll go.
Sorry. Can I keep this?
Yeah. Of course.
Yeah.
Won't pee in it.
[Rock music continues]
Hey, you.
- Hello.
- Hello?
Gee, he's so formal.
So, how's the book report going?
Randy, let's just
be friends, okay?
- Okay.
- Cool.
Cause I know it could
be, like, weird and all.
Kissing a black girl, and
you're so fucking like
Richie Cunningham.
What?
No. I'm not.
I mean, I'm not like prejudice.
You know, I'm.
I mean, I watched
The Jeffersons.
I'm definitely not prejudice.
Yeah, that's fucking hilarious.
- I wasn't saying.
- Hey, dude.
Kitty ranch.
I'm in the middle of
something right now.
Bro Sampson's brother,
he gave us his wheels.
It's an El Dorado.
It's called the Black Beast.
I have a class
that I can't skip.
Ditch it.
Yo, Adam.
What?
Nothing. Have fun on your trip.
Luke.
I hear music.
Just open the fucking door.
You can't just open
the fucking door.
He's got a gun.
Hey.
You okay?
Shamzie.
I'm flying on a spaceship.
We're headed to Mars.
Me and my alien bride.
Little dude, look
at your hair, man.
It's dancing in the wind.
Hi hairs.
Hey, man, we need
the black beast.
Remember.
Take everything.
Have it all.
Life is beautiful, man.
Um. Keys.
No. No keys.
Keys, keys are
meaningless, man.
Keys are a trap.
Watergate. And the
underground tunnel in Alameda.
Talk about Bigfoot.
Keys.
Hang on, guys.
Try my jeans, man.
Hot tub.
Okay, little ones,
listen to this.
Boys. Gather round.
I've been thinking
about this all day long.
It's just.
I Luke, wild and freaky.
I got you the grog.
The keg.
Right. But that failed you.
Because, kids, they
suck at parties.
It's okay. It's not your fault.
But the soap and the
soap related products.
Famway.
Boom! Famway.
Which he sold to those
little old ladies.
It gave you the golden ticket.
Hey, I can't find your keys.
I now offer you my bitchin
wheels to procure your glorious
whore pussy waiting wet for
your hard, untouched cocks.
In this moment, I'm the most
important person in your lives.
And you'll always remember me.
Especially you, my pretty.
Oh, dude, that's so foul.
So always.
always keep your eyes open.
So let the rain fall down.
And let it soak
up your sunshine.
- Dude.
- Oh, yeah.
Yes!
Hey, always remember it was me
that gave you the keys.
Whatever that means.
Later, little dude.
[Upbeat music]
[Engine revving]
Oh, okay. Does anybody even
see anything?
There, there.
This is weird.
[Music continues]
What the fuck is this?
It's just a,
house.
A weird house.
That was at least expecting,
like a mansion or like, above a
saloon or something.
Like in Westworld.
- It's a good movie.
- Yeah, it is.
I'd love to fuck a lady robot.
It would feel so utopic.
Guys look.
[Sheep bleating]
Come on, fuckers, let's go.
You first.
I'll go with you.
Okay. Me too.
Shit! Then I'm coming.
Guys.
We can't all go at
the same fucking time.
Why not?
It would look suspicious.
- Yeah.
- Of what?
Like we're fucking kids.
Like we don't know anything.
All right, guys, listen,
we'll tag team it, okay?
Me and Mark will go first.
And you and Randy
just stay here.
You know, just in case.
Sounds good.
Well, let's fucking get laid.
It looks like you boys will
be getting my sloppy seconds.
Mark.
What's up bro?
That's it.
They're inside.
Your turn.
So how was it?
Oh, it was fucking great.
- Any problems?
- No sweat.
So you just go in there and.
Just go inside, you'll see.
- Shouldn't we wait for Mark.
- Just go in.
Jesus. Come on.
I thought we were
supposed to tag team it.
Oh, show me some skin.
Now get in there,
boys. Let's go.
You got this.
It's gonna be fun.
It's a great time.
[Doorbell buzzing]
I'm cool.
[Laughs]
Cold as ice.
[Door slams]
That was weird.
What do you.
What do you mean it was weird?
I'll tell you later.
You okay?
Yeah. Never mind.
It is what it is.
How was yours.
It was great.
I mean, like, better
than your hand.
[Laughing]
Not your hand.
My hand.
I.
Now there's an endorsement.
For sure.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Yep.
[Electric guitar music]
So I picked the finest one, and
I started smooth
talking her and shit.
And then I get her to the room,
man, and I just start fucking
her, man.
Oh my God.
[Heavy breathing]
Ow.
Ow.
- Stop!
- Oh, shit.
I'm sorry.
You're just too big for me.
What the fuck?
Stand up.
Let me jerk you off.
Fuck, yeah.
Got a nice big dick.
Oh, yeah, but you're
smoking and stroking.
Oh, you should do porn.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Big money's in gay porn.
Big money.
She must have come,
like, 3 or 4 times.
- Damn.
- Wow.
So, uh, Adam.
How was it?
Shit, man.
I did just like Mark, right?
I picked the finest girl.
She was real cute.
She was so cute.
Like Linda Blair.
Mother sucks cocks in hell.
- Fuck.
- What's up honey?
You got a problem?
You ain't shooting
up or something.
I'm so sorry.
This isn't right.
This is so fucked up.
Are you okay?
Do they ever let you leave?
Oh, Lord, this is
some real bullshit.
Do we have a problem here?
And then I came
all over her face.
It was great.
You. You came on her face?
Yeah.
No you didn't.
What the.
She must have really liked me.
Shit, man.
They don't let anyone do that.
At least not me.
Hey, praise the Lord.
Fuck, yes, praise the Lord.
Well, uh, I hate to break it
to you guys, but I got you all
beat because I fucked two
whores at the same time.
All right, lift up your shirt.
I'm gonna examine you.
Okay?
Yeah, I know, I know.
Oh, you've been here before.
Oh, yeah. I'm a pro.
Okay.
Did you just take a pee?
Mhm.
Okay.
Oh, wait, wait.
Let go, let go!
Oh, fuck!
Damn! It wasn't even hard.
Oh, that was easy money.
Give me five, dude.
So righteous, Sampson.
Okay, so, Randy, let's
hear about you, man.
Uh, well, it was.
I mean, it was
amazing, number one.
Um, she was,
really nice.
Nice you said.
You don't fuck nice, Randy.
I know, I'm sorry, but I gotta
agree with Mark on this one.
See, nice means, like, ugly as
fuck, and, well, you know, ugly
means you gotta throw a paper
bag over her head and fuck her
from behind.
That's how it goes.
Go on, Randy.
Come on.
Okay, so hold
this under your balls.
Okay.
You don't got no
diseases, do you?
No, no, no, of course not.
I am this.
This is.
Are you a virgin?
Yeah.
It's okay.
Okay.
Just nice and clean.
Just the way I like it.
Okay.
Mm.
Don't it get any bigger?
I had beer, so I'm,
you know, just totally.
Okay. All right.
Um, here's what we're gonna do.
Sit here.
You get naked.
Okay, I'll be right back.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Well, look at that.
He got hard.
Okay, so what we're gonna do,
I'm gonna lay you back over
here, okay?
Okay. I'm gonna give
you head and fuck you.
Okay?
Okay. Okay.
It's gonna be fun.
Oh my God.
Oh, God.
Okay.
So just relax.
Alright?
You like that?
God.
I.
I, I came, I came.
Oh.
Great.
In and out.
Okay.
Great job. Huh?
Really?
Yeah. That was super good.
I mean, you come a lot.
Oh, is that, um.
Is is that bad?
Did it hurt?
No, I didn't feel a thing.
And that was that.
Fuckin A. Damn.
I know.
Oh, Randy's a horndog over here.
[Howling]
Okay Randy.
- Dude.
- Dude.
- I mean.
- No way.
That's dandy Randy
right there, man.
No, it's handy Randy.
Handy, Randy.
Did she give you a handy?
Did she give him a handy?
Of course she did.
He gives himself enough
handies every day, huh?
There you go.
That's my card.
[Laughs]
That's.
That's funny.
Thanks. You're a sweet kid.
Thanks.
Um.
Are you sure you like girls?
What?
Yeah. Of course.
Why? I mean, was it not.
Was it, was it not
good for you?
Oh, yeah, it was.
It was great.
Almost as good as my girlfriend.
Wait, what?
Oh, never you mind.
Anyway. Yeah, it was great, kid.
It was awesome. Loved it.
Thank you.
Trixie. Is that your name?
I guess.
[Electric guitar music]
Mom, I'm home!
Mom?
Randy. We went to visit your
Aunt Dorothy at the hospital.
She's not doing too well.
There's leftovers in
the fridge.
Make sure and do the dishes.
You know how your father
gets if there's dirty dishes.
We should be back by dinnertime.
Love, mom.
[Knocking on door]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, here you go.
Finally. Should I
have it fumigated?
Uh, no, I, uh, I didn't go.
Besides, I don't, uh, have
to pay for it anyway, so.
Did your friends go?
I don't know.
Who cares?
A bunch of idiots.
They're not idiots.
Whatever.
So, uh, would you,
uh, would you want to,
do you want to go out sometime?
What do you mean, out?
Out. Go out.
You know, like, we could,
uh, we could get some beer.
We could, uh, go
to Skyline Drive.
- Randy.
- What?
Stop.
There you go.
See,
I did go.
Uh, see you around.
See you.
[Harp music]
[Running water]
Stupid baby face.
Where's mom?
Hospital
Visiting, what's her face.
So.
What's all that?
Nothing. I've got to pee.
What? Hey!
What is on your freaking face?
Oh.
No.
This.
This is why you hate
working on the cars with me.
Damn you.
Did you think you look pretty?
Because you don't.
You don't.
God damn you!
You know, you're the
last male in this family.
You're it.
You're the last, Parker.
And you're supposed
to give us a grandson.
What?
Me and Mark went,
to a whorehouse.
[Laughter]
Okay. Go on.
Her name's on the card.
Yeah.
Okay.
Trixie.
That's good.
Open your mouth.
I want you to prove to me.
That you really went.
Eat it.
Eat it.
It's paper.
Swallow the fucking paper, kid.
Swallow it.
Swallow it!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
[Rock music playing]
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
Hello? Oh, hello Randy.
Is Mark here?
No, I think they went to Adams.
Yeah.
What I meant was Sampson's.
- It's Sampson's brother.
- Luke's?
No. Yeah, sure.
That sounds good.
Do you want a cocktail?
Do you need a shirt?
[Slow rock music]
Hey, it's the little dude.
Whoa! What happened
to your face?
No, no, man, I like it.
Looks like you ate
a wild raccoon live.
Are the guys here?
No, no.
No, man.
Man, they trashed my wheels.
Fuck them!
Wanna gonna get high?
Yeah.
[Music continues]
Hey, man.
This is a safe space.
Leave all that bad shit outside.
Whatever's going on, it's just
the man stepping on your groove.
Okay?
All those people out there,
they're just pretending.
With their suits and
their briefcases.
They don't know shit.
The only person that
knows shit is Einstein.
But he's a hermaphrodite.
All these laws about whether
you're supposed to pee in the
wind or fart in public or not.
It's all made up.
Dig it?
This.
This is real.
Open your mouth.
Now inhale.
[Music continues]
Yeah, man, this is good shit.
Wow that's a,
really strong weed.
It isn't weed.
Oh.
- Okay.
- One more.
[Music continues]
Sit down.
Welcome to my magic carpet ride.
Mariah.
[Peaceful music]
[TV static]
Hi.
Nice trip?
How long was I?
Don't worry about it.
Hey, come on, hot tub.
Come on, little dude.
[Hot tub bubbling]
Ooh.
So, uh.
What's with the
Maybelline on your face?
I mean, it's cool and all, but.
I don't know.
Much better.
You like that smoke?
Do you have any more?
No.
You're just gonna want more
and more, and then you're dead.
I'm almost there.
You want to see something?
Okay.
I'm gonna put myself into a
far out, meditative trance.
And I may say some
things, but I just.
I want you to play along.
Okay.
Okay, sure.
This is totally safe.
I learned this from this
really cool Moonie priest.
It's like an ancient thing.
Okay, put your finger like this.
Keep it up.
And don't put it down
till my eyes are closed.
Okay?
Oh, okay.
Now be very quiet.
This is the tricky part.
You got the tickets?
The what?
The tickets to the
jumbo jet, baby.
Yeah.
Honeymoon time.
Who's your bride?
You are my pretty.
747 I love this wide body.
Look, there's the
spiral staircase.
Come on.
First class.
Up we go.
You first.
Hold my hand. Come with me.
Damn! Look at the
honeymoon suite.
It is huge.
And that bed is huge.
Now, where are you?
My pretty face.
How about down here?
There it is.
Someone is awake.
I'll take these off.
I don't, I don't know.
It's okay.
Don't worry.
Just don't tell anyone.
Cross my heart.
Touch down.
Don't kiss.
Sorry,
I have an idea.
[Grunting]
Mhm.
So what happened?
I never know what happens
when I'm in a trance.
[Rooster crows]
[Crickets chirping]
What the fuck?
[Slow rock music]
You are so busted.
Shut up.
So you went to a whorehouse?
Really?
That's awesome.
I thought you were,
like, dead inside.
Surprise.
So you're actually normal?
Are you okay?
What do you mean?
You look a little funny.
I do?
Yeah, I wish I had a mirror.
Also, nice t-shirt.
What are you, a hippie now?
Stop!
No. Well, maybe I.
I did smoke a joint,
but it wasn't pot.
I did, you see God?
No. Shut up.
There was this guy.
His name was Luke, and he had,
um, a joint, but it wasn't
really a joint.
And I was floating.
It was.
Like, beautiful.
It was like I was in a movie
for, like, a few minutes or an
hour or two hours.
I don't really know, but
I feel like I lost
a piece of my brain.
Or I'm growing a new piece
really, really, really fast.
It's kind of like that book I
was reading by, um,
what's his name?
Kafka. Kafka.
I get it now.
Huh?
Don't tell anybody.
Okay. Who's Luke?
And what about the whorehouse?
Wow.
Thank you.
You're a good listener.
Okay, I'll send you a postcard.
Yeah, well, you better get
going inside.
They're waiting for you.
No shit.
Go, go.
Can you explain yourself?
Well, I'll be in the garage.
You know what I think.
Frank, this is important.
Tell him.
Say it.
You know.
You know I love you, son.
You know that.
Go on, give him a hug.
Listen to your mother.
Not even a hug, huh?
You can't say he didn't try.
We just want you to
know that those women.
They're not real, and
they won't make you happy.
Understand?
You hear me?
And whatever happened
between you and your father.
All I know is that when I came
home, he was yelling about
dishes in the sink.
And you going to
that deplorable.
I don't get it.
Why on earth did you go there?
I mean, what the
hell is going on?
Me little baby?
Well, we have decided that
we're not going to punish you
for going to that
deplorable place.
I think you've learned
a lesson there, huh?
You want to get high.
Or for disappearing last night?
Because I know that you're
a father can get angry.
I mean, sometimes even
I want to run away.
So, but I don't.
So we have decided that you are
going to be grounded for one
week for not doing the dishes.
For not doing the dishes?
Yes.
That's crazy.
Well that's life.
I am,
seriously confused right now.
And luckily, you'll have lots
of time to get unconfused.
Sorry.
Grounded.
Grounded. Grounded sucks.
I mean, straight
home from school.
And the worst.
No TV, but there is my stereo.
That's mine.
And mine is mine.
Especially when no
one else can hear.
Because headphones.
Then no one knows what
you're listening to.
But when I move out
and God, I can't wait.
No headphones and I will
seriously play it full blast.
Fuck everyone.
Well, not everyone.
[Hard rock music]