Felicia Madison: Better Than Sex (2024) Movie Script
Can I kvetch?
Can I kvetch a little bit? Is it okay?
I'm going to start with
how I was introduced on stage the other day.
The host,
he introduced me like this.
He said, "And now
for a little estrogen."
Can you believe...
He thought I still had estrogen.
Yeah, it's hard.
It's hard being a woman
in this business.
It's even harder
being an older woman in this business, right?
No one is looking
for Amy Schumer's mother.
And with
my estrogen levels,
I'm more likely to be
the next Chuck Schumer.
But my friends
are so supportive.
They say things
to me like,
"Felicia, Phyllis Diller
started when she was 40."
Like that would
make me feel better...
if I were 40.
The other day, I got
off stage and this guy came up to me
and said, "You know, Felicia,
no one wants to hear
"from a woman over 50."
I'm like, "You know what?
"You're sleeping on
the couch tonight."
That's my
supportive husband.
He said, "Don't take this
the wrong way.
"But I think you've
aged out of telling sex jokes on stage."
I'm like, "Yeah, you know
what else I aged out of?
"Our prenup."
But he's got a point.
It's hard.
It's hard. Sometimes, like in the audience,
no one has kids,
no one's even married.
The only thing I have
in common with them
are STDs.
Because I have three...
27, 25, and 21...
Sexually transmitted
dependents.
They're just like STDs.
They're annoying
and irritating.
And just when
you think it's going away, it comes back.
Oh, yeah,
it's really hard.
We'll find like a young man
in the audience and look at him
and be like,
"I can be your Mrs. Robinson."
You're laughing. He's like,
"Who's Mrs. Robinson?"
And fun fact...
Anne Bancroft was 35
when she filmed that.
So I could be
Mrs. Robinson's mother.
And then I have these,
like, young comedians on stage.
They're like,
"Oh, my God, my wrinkles.
"I'm fat... My body...
I'm so old..."
They're 30.
And I get on stage
like the Wicked Witch of the West.
Just you wait,
my pretty.
It's gonna get worse.
And they complain.
They complain about
things like Plan B.
"It's so expensive,
my boyfriend won't pay for it."
You're gonna tell him
to pay for it,
because he's gonna be
really upset
when he finds out
how expensive Plan A is.
I said to one of them...
I said, "You know,
"you've been
dating your boyfriend for seven years.
"When are you guys
going to get married?"
And she said to me, "Felicia,
I make more money than him and I don't want kids.
"Why would I get married?"
And I said...
"I have no idea."
This generation,
they're not getting married,
they're not having kids.
They're leaving
child rearing to the teenagers,
the Trump supporters
and the Texans.
Go America.
God, I'm excited for them,
because they're a little bit more fortunate than I was,
because that glass ceiling
has finally been shattered
by all the white men
falling through it.
And now they can
have it all.
They want it all.
I'm like, "All is a lot."
I don't want it all.
My husband doesn't even
have it all.
I have half.
No. But I am excited,
you know, for women to lead,
and there'll be no more
sex, lies, and corruption in the world.
Or so I thought.
It's not going
so well, girls.
There are a lot
of corrupt women out there, right.
Already there's like,
let's see... Elizabeth Holmes,
Ghislaine Maxwell,
Miss Piggy...
What?
She's been mean to Kermit for decades.
And the first
female president...
That's gonna happen soon.
Right, girls? Right?
- You think so?
-Yeah.
Yeah. I'm a little worried about it, though.
There might be
a little drama.
I mean, like,
"Madam President,
"I have
the Secretary of State on the line."
"I'm not speaking to her."
"Why?"
"She knows."
Yeah, but I decided
with all the naysayers and the critics,
I decided to do this
anyway, right?
Mainly because
of my idol, Joan Rivers.
She's shown me
my career could survive another 20 plastic surgeries.
And I'm doing this,
because I want to prove to my kids
that I could do
something with my life other than ruining theirs.
So I'm taking this special
and I'm putting it in my will.
And my kids
aren't gonna get any of my money...
until all my grandkids
watch it.
So, grandkids,
this is for you.
I don't know what device
you're watching this on,
but I want you to know
it makes Grandma look
ten pounds heavier.
So I grew up...
Anyone grew up in New York?
Any true New Yorkers here?
Yeah!
I grew up in the worst,
most embarrassing part of the city.
New Jersey.
I was born
Felicia Joy Madison.
My parents were
very happy to have me.
My brothers,
not so much.
And then I got married
and the joy left my life.
I became
Felicia Madison Levy,
which sounds like
a feminist Jewish law firm.
So I go
by Felicia Madison.
I never liked
my first name. I hated it.
I was teased
in middle school.
They called me this name,
I didn't know what it was.
It was "fellatio."
So one day I went to my dad
and I said, "Dad, what does fellatio mean?"
And he looked at me
and said, "You know... You know...
"You know what?
I don't remember."
So then I went to my mom
and I asked my mom,
"Mom, what does
fellatio mean?"
And she sat me down
and she said, "Felicia,
"fellatio is when a woman
pleasures a man
"by putting her mouth
on his penis."
"That's terrible."
She said,
"Because they're teasing you?"
I said, "No,
because Dad has no idea."
So luckily,
I graduated from that to, "Bye, Felicia."
Did you guys know
what "Bye, Felicia" means? Anyone?
No? Yeah.
It means a random bitch that no one's sad to see go.
FML.
Those are my initials.
I grew up.
I was the poorest girl in my neighborhood,
and I hated it.
I know it's
hard to believe now, but it was.
I was.
And I complained all the time to my mom.
And she said to me,
"Felicia, with money comes problems."
And I said,
"Bring them on. Show me the problems."
So I studied hard.
I went to an Ivy League school
and I succeeded the old fashioned way.
Yeah.
I married my boss.
I didn't marry my boss.
He wouldn't leave his wife.
Don't judge.
There was
no sexual harassment back then.
It was a weekly review.
And I'm an overachiever.
But thanks to this
Me Too movement,
they're clamping down
on office romance.
And now you young girls
are never gonna find a husband.
Yeah, I did.
I got married.
It was hard work.
Yeah.
It took my husband
three years to propose to me.
Three years I had to be
on my best behavior.
I was cooking, cleaning,
swallowing...
I'm kidding.
I don't clean.
I became a mom.
Someone told me
it would make me happy.
Oh!
They told me it was
the best job in the world.
I'm like if it was
the best job in the world,
a man would have it.
Best job?
I work 24/7,
no vacation, no pay.
My employees
complain all the time.
"You suck! I hate you!
You're the worst."
And my coworker
sexually harasses me every day.
Best job in the world.
Do you know that
one in nine women
suffer from postpartum
depression?
Yeah, one in nine.
But the good news is
the government's gotten involved,
and they created
paternity leave.
Yeah, they're sending
the men home to help.
So now nine on nine women
have postpartum depression.
Yeah, I was lucky
I had my mom.
She was so helpful.
Oh, my God,
she would come over and give me the best advice.
She would say,
"Felicia, you're so hard on them.
"They're just kids.
"Relax. Let them be."
Where was she
when I was growing up?
She's always saying to me,
"It's so much harder raising kids now."
I'm like, "Yeah,
that generation was so laid-back,
"they needed
to be reminded to look for us."
It's 10:00 p.m.
Do you know where your children are?
I know where my kid is
every second of the day.
Okay?
I have an app for it.
She's making a left
on 97th and 5th.
They're in a Uber
right now.
And disciplining?
All she had to say was,
"Wait until your dad gets home."
And we listened, right?
You listened.
Because why?
Because they could
hit us, yell at us, right.
We can't do that
anymore.
All I can say is,
"Wait till Dad gets home.
"I'm sending him in
for another
"long, boring talk."
And my son,
he looks at me and he goes, "Mom, please just hit me."
My dad would yell at me
if I left the lights on in the house.
Like, "What, do you own
stock in the electric company?"
I can't do that,
because my kids do.
And what about this?
You know,
when they grounded us,
"Go to your room
and don't come out
"till you're ready
to apologize."
My kids would
never come out.
I always came out right away,
because I left my phone in the kitchen,
attached to the wall.
So I have three kids.
My oldest one is stubborn,
like my husband.
My middle one's gorgeous,
like my trainer. And my...
And my third one, finally,
one that looks like me,
acts like me,
and I can't stand her.
But my oldest one.
When she was 16,
she was diagnosed
with a learning disorder
that made it
very difficult for her to express her feelings.
So we decided
not to treat her.
She's my favorite.
And everyone
has favorites.
You have a favorite, right?
You a favorite?
Oh, come on.
Everyone's mom...
Every mom has a favorite.
You don't think
Jeffrey Dahmer's mom didn't have a favorite?
News flash,
it wasn't Jeffrey.
Yeah. So she's got
extra time in school.
That's where you
can take a test
over multiple hours or days,
or even take it home.
And you're eligible
for this
if you have
ADHD, dyslexia,
or rich parents.
It's a good system,
but I'm a little worried
how these kids
are going to adapt in the real world.
I don't want to go
for my colonoscopy
and have the doctor say
to me,
"Usually this takes a half hour.
"But I get extra time.
"So see you tomorrow."
My son's amazing...
until I sent him to college.
It was very stressful
sending a boy out into the world
without a fully
developed brain.
When he went to college,
he started texting me pictures of all his ailments.
It would be like his bruises,
his ingrown nail, his rashes.
And one day he sent me
a picture of his bloody snot and asked,
"Is this normal?"
I'm like, "The blood,
or the fact that you're sending it to me?"
Honestly,
I was just thankful he didn't get an STD,
because I did not want
my first dick pic to be from my son.
But he's a good kid.
He's really great,
you know.
He calls me once a week,
right after I change
the Netflix password.
So I had a girl,
then a boy, then a third girl.
And everyone
always asks me if she was a mistake.
And I say,
"Not at the time."
She was a terror
when she was a teenager.
They have this
"terrible twos," "sweet 16" all mixed up.
It should be "adorable twos"
and "get the fuck
out of my house 16."
I thought she was
drinking the liquor.
So I came up with this plan,
I started marking
all the bottles of alcohol
to the fill line.
And I did this
for a month.
And you know
what I found out?
I'm an alcoholic.
But can you
blame me?
I mean,
can you blame me?
She's so moody.
I need like a weather app
to predict her moods.
You know? "Today,
partly whiny with a chance of bitch."
"Sunny skies.
"She wants money, guys."
Or maybe it's
more like Waze.
You know, like,
"Watch out, PMS ahead.
"Rerouting,
boyfriend breakup."
"Hazard,
horny husband."
Works for him too.
Yeah,
she complains to me all the time.
The other day
she came home and she said,
"Oh, my God, my hair,
it's frizzy and needs highlights.
"I want a nose job."
"Listen.
What is wrong with you?"
And she said to me,
"I'm just trying to get rid
of all my unattractive Jewish traits."
But then
I thought about it.
I was like, "Okay.
"Let's start with complaining."
And she had the nerve
to say to me one day,
"When did your style
become so matronly?"
"Like, the minute you came out
of my body and ruined it. Obviously."
But luckily, she gets along
really well with her sister.
They're so cute together.
They're great friends.
And they're really adorable
until they go to take an Instagram picture
and become total sluts.
I'm like, "Girls!
Girls, What are you doing?
"And can you teach me?"
So they told me
to make a smize.
Does anyone know
what a smize is?
Anyone?
You know what a smize is?
No? I didn't...
I didn't know it either.
It's when you smile
with your eyebrows,
like raise your eyebrows
and I said to them, "You see this?
"It doesn't move anymore."
So they said, "Okay,
try a duck face, Mom." And I went like...
She's like,
"No, no, no, no, Mom.
"Just look down
and lightly suck."
And I'm like,
"Ooh, I don't do that anymore either."
But you know what
a really fun thing
to do with
a teenage girl is?
It's amazing.
A great bonding experience.
College tours.
Yeah, I took her
across the country.
Oh, my God,
like the hair pulling, the crying, the whining,
and she wasn't
happy, either.
The only one
that was happy was my husband.
He was there
with his map.
Yeah, a paper one.
Even I was embarrassed.
And he was searching
for the frat houses,
the football stadiums, and his lost youth.
Someone else has
a husband with a lost youth.
And it always is the same
where you all,
like pile into an auditorium
with all these other
miserable parents
and their STDs.
And there's someone
trying to convince you to send your child
to this elite,
idyllic, pristine,
beautiful
Ivy League school.
You don't have to pitch me.
Like, why are you pitching me?
This isn't Scientology.
You had me at hello.
It's like me bumping into
Bradley Cooper on the street
and him trying to convince me
to go on a date with him.
I'm like,
you had me at shallow.
And then you
go on the tour.
The tour guide always has
this huge jug of water.
How long is this tour?
I mean, seriously?
The Jews had less water
in the desert for 40 years.
I mean,
I never walked around
with a bottle of water
growing up. Did you?
Did you? No.
When you were thirsty,
what did you do?
-Water fountain.
- Water fountain, exactly.
We'd find a water fountain,
and we lean over
and get our tongue a little wet.
And we were fine all day.
Which made me realize
that this generation is just over hydrated.
Which may be
why they're so fluid.
Then I get to
the security portion
and the security person
says, "Okay,
"if your child's nervous
to walk home alone at night,
"we have a number
for her to call.
"And we'll arrange to
have her walked home
"by a football player."
Isn't that what
I was worried about?
"Don't worry.
We send two football players."
Oh, my God.
Can I have the number?
Luckily, we got her
into school.
She was so excited.
She just wanted to get
as far away from us as possible.
She had one requirement,
she said,
"I want to go
out of the country."
So we sent her to Texas.
And it's a big difference
between moving a girl to school
and a boy to school.
Does anyone
have girls and boys?
They experience this?
- Yeah? Do you agree?
-Yes.
Everyone agree? Yeah.
Okay.
This is what my daughter brought to school. Okay?
Three bags of clothes,
two bags of shoes, one bag of makeup,
an area rug, a throw rug,
a dust ruffle, a duvet, two sets of seats, pillow,
decorative pillows, shams,
more decorative pillows,
lights, twinkle lights,
neon lights,
a vanity mirror,
a regular mirror, a decorative mirror,
four sets of prints,
two photo boards.
None of me.
One vision board,
a shoe rack, a clothes rack, her rack,
an air fryer, a toaster,
and an espresso maker.
And my son
brought his iPhone...
and forgot his charger.
They also advise kids
these days
not to have sex
when they're drunk.
I don't know about you,
but I can't imagine
being in college
and having sex when I wasn't drunk,
I can't even
imagine it now.
Anyway, someone said
if my son happened to take a girl out
and they were drinking,
that he should take her out
for coffee the next day to protect himself.
Yeah, yeah.
So we dropped him off at college
with a box of condoms and a Starbucks card.
And we dropped our daughter off
with an espresso maker.
So I became
an empty nester.
Thank you.
I started a podcast
with my friend called Empty Nesters Podcast.
It was designed
to help women. -
Yeah. It was designed
to help women like
adapt to this new phase
in their life.
And it was a complete failure,
because everyone was completely happy.
I was very happy
until I got an email
a week later from the school
saying there was
visiting weekend in two weeks.
I said to him,
"She just left.
"She's fine.
I'm fine. We're fine."
But of course we went,
and I went to go speak to the teacher.
And the teacher said to me,
"Oh, I cannot talk to you about your daughter."
I was like, "Why?"
She said, "They're fur pelage.
Your daughter is an adult now."
I'm like, "Oh.
"Can you tell her that?"
And while you're at it,
send her the bills.
And why am I here?
So I went home.
A month later, I get a call
from my adult.
I always know
when she's calling,
because I get a text first
from the bank.
She said,
"Mom, I'm in trouble.
"I went to
a fraternity date night.
"I got busted
for underage drinking, and I have to go to court."
I went, "Oh, my God.
"You had a date?"
She's like, "Oh, Mom,
we're just friends."
And I'm like,
"Oh, better luck in court."
And she's like,
"You gotta help me."
So she got what is
called an MIP.
Does anyone know
what that is?
What is it?
Who said it?
-Minor in possession.
- Minor in possession.
I didn't know that. It's a...
It's a minor possession.
Of alcohol, not my money.
And so I said,
"Oh, sweetie, no problem.
"Just call them up.
"You're not a minor.
Tell them you're an adult now."
So, yeah, my kids spend
different amounts of money.
Like, my son spends
a lot less than my daughters, and it's not their fault,
because they have to buy
more expensive things.
They do.
I actually know what my kids
spend their money on,
because I snoop on their Venmo.
Is anyone else... Creepy?
At my son's Venmo,
the emojis are like cheap things
like taco, beer,
Subway...
And my daughters'
are like sushi, wine,
and eggplants.
They're organic,
they're expensive,
and she gets
them washed too.
I came up with
this really good plan.
I go to my husband's Venmo
and I Venmo myself a dollar
and I put emojis like vacation,
diamond, eggplant, trainer.
My friends are so jealous.
But my kids
have no value of money, and it's not their fault.
It's because they never
actually touched it.
Yeah. They think
money grows on apps.
And I gave them
a credit card for emergency
and family-related
things only.
And I had to
call up my daughter and say, "Excuse me,
"What was your emergency
in Sephora?"
"Oh, my God, Mom,
it was Better Than Sex."
What?
Who knows what
Better Than Sex is?
Anyone? Yeah.
What is it?
-A mascara.
- A mascara exactly.
I was really mad
at this company,
that they're targeting
this product to young girls.
I mean,
they're not targeting me,
because if they were,
it'd be called Better Than Sleep.
Okay. These girls
are too young to have their dreams shattered.
Right?
So I asked her,
"Is it still on sale?"
I bought a dozen.
I tried it.
And I have to tell you,
like, no gloppy mess.
You know,
it lasted a long time.
You could do it
multiple times in a day.
It is better than sex.
And then I called
my other daughter,
and I said,
"You know, I think it's time
"that you pay for
your own therapist."
And she said,
"Oh, no, Mom.
"That's definitely
family-related."
That's my single daughter.
Any single guys
out there?
No? One...
One... One...
One brave soul.
Okay. How tall are you?
5'10".
5'10"?
Okay, that's borderline.
How much do you make?
She's on the dating apps.
I suggested eBay,
but whatever.
I mean, they know how
to sell things, right?
Yeah, she's on Bumble.
That's the one where
she gets to pick the guy.
She can't pick a melon.
How is she gonna
pick a guy?
And she complains
about them to me.
And I have to explain to her,
you have no idea what I had to go through.
We didn't have apps.
We had to go on blind dates
where I had some
random guy come to my house,
and he would
knock on my door.
And I always had to leave
two pair of shoes,
a pair of flats and
a pair of high heels,
because I had no idea
how tall he was.
I mean, he was Jewish,
so I kind of knew how tall he was.
But I was hopeful.
And you know how many times
I opened the door and wished I could have...
She complains.
I think it's fun.
Swipe, swipe, swipe,
swipe, swipe.
And I got to get on
the app with her.
I know, creepy.
But she accidentally
spent 2,000 of my dollars, so she owed me.
And we're swiping,
swiping, swiping.
And we're on this one,
for every five swipes, you have to pay $5.
It was the Jewish one.
And $500 later,
she's still looking for a tall guy,
and I'm looking into
how to get my money back.
And then finally I see
this tall, cute guy.
I'm like, "Wait, wait.
What's wrong with that guy?"
And she said, "I don't like
the shape of his face."
I'm like, "That face
went to Harvard...
as a hedge fund
manager."
And she said,
"Mom, you're so shallow."
I'm like, "Me?
"Me... You don't like him
for the shape of his face."
"I'm practical.
"Like, with money,
maybe he could change his face."
They don't know
what they're doing.
I decided that I'm gonna
create an app for her, and for all you girls.
Okay? No pictures.
They're all
fat and bald in the end. It doesn't matter.
It's gonna list
three things.
His income, his height,
and his real height.
And I'm gonna put
reviews on them.
Why are there no reviews
on dating apps?
Right?
We review everything.
Our doctors,
our restaurants, our Uber drivers.
Why not our guys?
We gotta warn people out there.
So this is how
it's gonna work. Okay?
It's going to be like
when you buy an item of clothing online
and you have to
return it.
What do you have to do?
You have to give
a reason, right?
Okay.
So I'm returning this boy to the dating pool.
Reason:
"Not as described
or pictured."
Reason: "Too small."
"Did not come on time."
"Arrived damaged."
Someone once
said to me after...
Thank you.
After the show,
someone said,
"Ah, men reviews."
And I was like, "Oh, my God, that's what I'm gonna call it.
"Amen."
No B's, C's, or D's.
And if you're lucky,
y'all get an "F."
She's still single.
And I said to her,
"Listen..."
I said, "You know,
you just really need
"to learn to love yourself
before you can love anyone else."
So I decided to
buy her a vibrator.
And, boy, oh, boy,
have vibrators changed.
Okay, when I bought
my first vibrator,
there was, like one kind,
and it was
designed by men.
So it was very large
and looked like a penis,
'cause that's what
they thought we liked.
And you unscrew it
and two double D's fall out,
because that's
what they like.
I guess it was
a little intimidating,
so they decided to
put bunny ears on it,
and they called it
a rabbit.
A rabbit.
They have any animal
to choose from in the animal kingdom,
and they chose
the Easter Bunny.
Why didn't they choose
something like wild and strong, like...
I don't know,
like an African lion,
or a Bengal tiger,
or a Channing Tatum?
And now women are
designing vibrators.
And guess what,
guys, they're tiny.
Because size
doesn't matter.
Accuracy does.
And you would know that
if you ever tried
to throw a horseshoe
at a vagina...
Which I wouldn't
recommend.
And now,
women are making them,
and they have
such better names.
Like, what would you
name your vibrator?
No? No masturbators
out there?
Mine would be
"Not My Husband."
But they name 'em
things like "Viva la Vulva."
French Lover.
Tennis Coach.
Which was oddly specific.
And my favorite was
called Mona Lisa.
Yeah. Yeah. I want to see
that marketing meeting.
Uh, okay.
"Well, what should we call it? Uh...
"Well, it might
make her smile."
A little.
They at least
could have called it Moan-a-Lisa. Right?
Men just can't
target products to women properly.
Like, for instance,
let's take porn.
Twenty percent
of the women watch porn.
If I made porn,
100% of women would watch it.
Because I would combine porn
with shopping.
Maybe Debbie does Dallas
in Prada.
Debbie does Dolce...
And Gabbana.
"Such a slut.
"But does she look good
or what?
"Love the shoes."
Yeah, I think the other thing
that men did a really bad job of is...
The pharmaceutical companies
did a horrible job.
Okay, let's take
birth control pills, okay?
It's the only pill
on the market
with the days
of the week on it.
Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday... Right?
I'm on
the menopause pill now.
Same pack, no days.
And now I need it.
You know?
'Cause I don't wanna take the pill. I leave.
"Did I take the pill?
Did I not take the pill?
"Did I take the pill?"
Can you imagine if women
created Viagra for men?
Which, by the way,
we would never do.
And we put it in a pack
with the days of the week.
It would say, "Saturday.
"Next Saturday.
"Next month.
"Maybe next year."
And we just
took flow-backs
and threw it at them
and said, "Good luck."
Oh, my goodness gracious.
So I... I had to go
to my doctor, um,
because I kept
forgetting my pills.
And he suggested that
I try the menopause patch.
He said it's
a little sticker.
You put it on your body.
And you won't notice it.
I won't notice it?
I'm walking around
with a sign on me that says,
"Out of order!"
And I complained to him
about my stomach.
I said I was getting
a little bloated,
and he said, "Felicia,
there's nothing wrong with you.
"It's just age."
He said,
"It's gonna be really hard to lose the weight.
"You're gonna
have to kill yourself.
"I suggest you just learn
to love your new body."
I didn't love
the old body.
It's gonna be
a lot easier to kill myself.
I know you're like,
"Oh, my God, she's not fat."
Okay, let me just
tell you guys, where I'm from,
if you get to be
larger than a size two, you get replaced.
Yeah, I'm from
the Upper East Side.
You should see
the recycle bins.
Glass, paper,
and second wives.
Once, after a show,
a woman walked up to me
and she said,
"Well, you're not a size two.
"How come your husband
didn't leave you?"
Like, "First of all,
fuck you."
"Second of all,
I married a great guy.
"He would never leave me
with half his money."
He suggested that
I just eat things that roam the earth
and come out
of the ground.
So in my backyard,
I planted Snickers.
And then I started
taking exercise classes.
I took a SoulCycle class,
and I'm like on the bike.
I'm like biking, biking,
and like whatever.
And they come over
and they start yelling
all these positive affirmations
that you like, "Go, Felicia.
"We believe in you.
You can do it."
I'm like,
"I was not raised that way."
I need them yelling,
"You lazy piece of shit!
"You'll never amount
to anything.
"You'll never be
as good as your brother."
Oh, my God,
this is such a great class.
My husband got me
an exercise mirror.
Yeah, I didn't
talk to him for a month.
Do you know what
an exercise mirror is?
Yeah, it's this mirror.
You put it on the wall
and you select a routine.
And then there's
this wicked bitch inside telling you what to do.
She's like,
"Move those hips harder.
"You've gained
a lot of weight."
Like, "Mom, is that you?"
I showed my husband.
I took that mirror and put it over our bed.
Now it criticizes him.
"Move those hips harder.
"You'll never be as good
as your brother."
Let's face it,
the only way that mirror
is going to help me
lose weight
is if I put it
on the coffee table.
So amazing.
So I'm addicted
to Ambien.
Anyone? Just me?
I usually have to explain
to the young people what Ambien is.
Ambien's what you take
when none of your dreams come true.
I hate it when I tell someone
I'm addicted to Ambien,
and they say,
"Have you tried melatonin?"
That's like saying
to a crack addict,
"Have you tried tea?"
I went to a sleep specialist.
She gave me
all these things.
She started with telling me
that I should not
leave my phone
by my bedside.
She said I should
leave it in the kitchen.
And I'm like, "How is that
gonna help me sleep?
"'Cause now I have to get up,
out of bed, walk down the hall to check my DMs."
Then she suggested
a weighted blanket.
It's this heavy blanket.
You put it on you
and it relieves all your stress and anxiety.
It didn't help me sleep,
but I lost ten pounds
dragging it back and forth
to the kitchen.
And then,
last I tried an Oura Ring.
She suggested that.
You guys know what it is?
It's like a Fitbit
for your finger.
And you go to sleep,
and it measures your heartbeat,
your REM sleep,
your deep sleep.
You wake up in the morning
and you check an app,
and it says things like,
"It's going to be
a difficult day."
I'm like, "Isn't that
what this ring tells me?"
I also suffer
from depression.
Anyone?
Statistically,
some of you are lying.
I read that 70% of the women
in United States are on antidepressants.
Yeah, which means
30% are depressed.
I'll let you guys
do the math on that one.
Yeah, I have a friend
who walked up to me and said, "Felicia,
"you have
three beautiful children,
"a loving husband,
and two homes.
"You cannot be depressed."
I said to her,
"I said I was depressed,
"not beneath you."
It's dark, guys,
but you can laugh.
Someone suggested
I volunteer,
so I went to
a homeless shelter.
And after spending
an entire day there,
I have to say
I was really depressed.
But I made a difference,
because there was
this sad man in the corner,
and I walked up to him,
and I was talking to him
and I said, "You know,
"you're not depressed
because you're homeless.
"Because I'm depressed
and I have a house in the Hamptons."
It didn't make him feel better.
So they asked me to leave.
And I decided the next day
I would volunteer at a rehab clinic.
I figured I'd have more
experience with that.
I could really
help someone, and I did.
Because there was
this crack addict in the corner,
and I walked up to her
and I said,
"Have you tried tea?"
No, but I'm fortunate.
I know I am.
I get unconditional
love and support
from my loving
and adorable dog.
I have a Cavapoo, which is
a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel poodle mix.
Do you notice?
Like everything's mixing with poodles?
You know,
there's like Maltipoos, shittypoos, bernadoodles...
I kind of feel sorry
for poodles.
No one wants just them.
They're kinda like
white men.
But if you mix them
with something...
all of a sudden you have
a Barackadoodle,
and everyone wants it.
We had a hard time
naming our dog,
so someone suggested
that we think of things that we love.
So my kids came up
with names
like Sushi, Chip, Yankee.
I chose Cash.
But my husband
won the name game.
So I was walking BJ
the other day.
And I was in the park,
and I was like,
"BJ, BJ, come! Come, BJ. Come."
BJ wouldn't come.
So I renamed
her G-spot.
She never came.
We couldn't find her.
We just stopped looking for her.
But I do...
I do have to thank my husband.
We just celebrated
being happily married for 25 years.
Yeah.
It was our 32nd
wedding anniversary.
Marriage.
Till death do you part.
That's a long time.
I mean, marriage was
a good idea when people lived to 30, right?
Who needs divorce
when all your marital problems
could be solved
by the black plague?
I mean,
there was a lot of love in the time of cholera.
This is the one area where
I was kind of helpful to the young audience.
I was like
the wedding whisperer.
"Don't do it."
But no,
I give them advice.
I always say,
"Secret to a happy marriage is communication.
"Only through texts
or emails.
"So you have proof
that you told him."
"Don't go to bed angry."
I tried it.
I pulled three all-nighters,
and said fuck it,
and took an Ambien.
And, of course,
the most important thing... sex. Right, girls?
Yeah. And I know
you get tired.
The kids,
you all complain.
I love it
when a young couple gets divorced
and the first thing
they do
is they go to the kids
and say, "Mom and Dad are getting divorced,
"but it had nothing
to do with you."
Really? Because you guys
looked really happy before you had kids.
But sex is important,
and I always say to the girls out there,
it only takes five minutes.
And if you're good, three.
It probably
takes you longer
to take
your makeup off.
And I'm sure
your boyfriend,
or husband
won't mind if you multitask.
'Cause this is
a great position for it.
But I get it.
It's hard.
I complain
to my husband too, and he gets mad.
I say, "It's not
that I'm not interested.
"I'm tired because, like,
when we go on vacation, we have a lot of sex."
And he said,
"Yeah, but I'd like to have sex with you
"for less than
$500 a night."
And I said, "You're looking
at this the wrong way.
"You should just be thankful
that you could afford it."
But I understand.
So for you,
$250 cash.
And as someone
once said to me,
if you want
to keep your husband from having an affair,
you should give him
a blowjob every morning.
I said he could
have the affair.
That is not
a good trade.
And I realize
that life is about trades.
You know, you might
not not be able to have it all,
but you have
some of it.
And then together,
it's all.
Like, for instance,
I gave up my independence
for my marriage.
And that's working out
pretty well, all right.
I gave up my career for my kids,
and I really do love them.
Even the little one.
And I gave up everything
for this.
How's it going?
And I can't wait
till my great-grandkids
watch it,
and they go running
into their mother and father and go,
"Mom, Dad!
"What does fellatio mean?"
And they're going to
look at them and say,
"Oh, I think you mean
great-Grandma Felicia.
"She was a great mom
who late in life changed her career,
"and inspired the world,
"and didn't take no
for an answer,
"and spread laughter
"by using her mouth
to spread joy."
And they looked at them
and said, "No.
"We meant fellatio."
"Oh. Yeah.
We don't remember."
I'm Felicia Madison.
Thank you.
Can I kvetch a little bit? Is it okay?
I'm going to start with
how I was introduced on stage the other day.
The host,
he introduced me like this.
He said, "And now
for a little estrogen."
Can you believe...
He thought I still had estrogen.
Yeah, it's hard.
It's hard being a woman
in this business.
It's even harder
being an older woman in this business, right?
No one is looking
for Amy Schumer's mother.
And with
my estrogen levels,
I'm more likely to be
the next Chuck Schumer.
But my friends
are so supportive.
They say things
to me like,
"Felicia, Phyllis Diller
started when she was 40."
Like that would
make me feel better...
if I were 40.
The other day, I got
off stage and this guy came up to me
and said, "You know, Felicia,
no one wants to hear
"from a woman over 50."
I'm like, "You know what?
"You're sleeping on
the couch tonight."
That's my
supportive husband.
He said, "Don't take this
the wrong way.
"But I think you've
aged out of telling sex jokes on stage."
I'm like, "Yeah, you know
what else I aged out of?
"Our prenup."
But he's got a point.
It's hard.
It's hard. Sometimes, like in the audience,
no one has kids,
no one's even married.
The only thing I have
in common with them
are STDs.
Because I have three...
27, 25, and 21...
Sexually transmitted
dependents.
They're just like STDs.
They're annoying
and irritating.
And just when
you think it's going away, it comes back.
Oh, yeah,
it's really hard.
We'll find like a young man
in the audience and look at him
and be like,
"I can be your Mrs. Robinson."
You're laughing. He's like,
"Who's Mrs. Robinson?"
And fun fact...
Anne Bancroft was 35
when she filmed that.
So I could be
Mrs. Robinson's mother.
And then I have these,
like, young comedians on stage.
They're like,
"Oh, my God, my wrinkles.
"I'm fat... My body...
I'm so old..."
They're 30.
And I get on stage
like the Wicked Witch of the West.
Just you wait,
my pretty.
It's gonna get worse.
And they complain.
They complain about
things like Plan B.
"It's so expensive,
my boyfriend won't pay for it."
You're gonna tell him
to pay for it,
because he's gonna be
really upset
when he finds out
how expensive Plan A is.
I said to one of them...
I said, "You know,
"you've been
dating your boyfriend for seven years.
"When are you guys
going to get married?"
And she said to me, "Felicia,
I make more money than him and I don't want kids.
"Why would I get married?"
And I said...
"I have no idea."
This generation,
they're not getting married,
they're not having kids.
They're leaving
child rearing to the teenagers,
the Trump supporters
and the Texans.
Go America.
God, I'm excited for them,
because they're a little bit more fortunate than I was,
because that glass ceiling
has finally been shattered
by all the white men
falling through it.
And now they can
have it all.
They want it all.
I'm like, "All is a lot."
I don't want it all.
My husband doesn't even
have it all.
I have half.
No. But I am excited,
you know, for women to lead,
and there'll be no more
sex, lies, and corruption in the world.
Or so I thought.
It's not going
so well, girls.
There are a lot
of corrupt women out there, right.
Already there's like,
let's see... Elizabeth Holmes,
Ghislaine Maxwell,
Miss Piggy...
What?
She's been mean to Kermit for decades.
And the first
female president...
That's gonna happen soon.
Right, girls? Right?
- You think so?
-Yeah.
Yeah. I'm a little worried about it, though.
There might be
a little drama.
I mean, like,
"Madam President,
"I have
the Secretary of State on the line."
"I'm not speaking to her."
"Why?"
"She knows."
Yeah, but I decided
with all the naysayers and the critics,
I decided to do this
anyway, right?
Mainly because
of my idol, Joan Rivers.
She's shown me
my career could survive another 20 plastic surgeries.
And I'm doing this,
because I want to prove to my kids
that I could do
something with my life other than ruining theirs.
So I'm taking this special
and I'm putting it in my will.
And my kids
aren't gonna get any of my money...
until all my grandkids
watch it.
So, grandkids,
this is for you.
I don't know what device
you're watching this on,
but I want you to know
it makes Grandma look
ten pounds heavier.
So I grew up...
Anyone grew up in New York?
Any true New Yorkers here?
Yeah!
I grew up in the worst,
most embarrassing part of the city.
New Jersey.
I was born
Felicia Joy Madison.
My parents were
very happy to have me.
My brothers,
not so much.
And then I got married
and the joy left my life.
I became
Felicia Madison Levy,
which sounds like
a feminist Jewish law firm.
So I go
by Felicia Madison.
I never liked
my first name. I hated it.
I was teased
in middle school.
They called me this name,
I didn't know what it was.
It was "fellatio."
So one day I went to my dad
and I said, "Dad, what does fellatio mean?"
And he looked at me
and said, "You know... You know...
"You know what?
I don't remember."
So then I went to my mom
and I asked my mom,
"Mom, what does
fellatio mean?"
And she sat me down
and she said, "Felicia,
"fellatio is when a woman
pleasures a man
"by putting her mouth
on his penis."
"That's terrible."
She said,
"Because they're teasing you?"
I said, "No,
because Dad has no idea."
So luckily,
I graduated from that to, "Bye, Felicia."
Did you guys know
what "Bye, Felicia" means? Anyone?
No? Yeah.
It means a random bitch that no one's sad to see go.
FML.
Those are my initials.
I grew up.
I was the poorest girl in my neighborhood,
and I hated it.
I know it's
hard to believe now, but it was.
I was.
And I complained all the time to my mom.
And she said to me,
"Felicia, with money comes problems."
And I said,
"Bring them on. Show me the problems."
So I studied hard.
I went to an Ivy League school
and I succeeded the old fashioned way.
Yeah.
I married my boss.
I didn't marry my boss.
He wouldn't leave his wife.
Don't judge.
There was
no sexual harassment back then.
It was a weekly review.
And I'm an overachiever.
But thanks to this
Me Too movement,
they're clamping down
on office romance.
And now you young girls
are never gonna find a husband.
Yeah, I did.
I got married.
It was hard work.
Yeah.
It took my husband
three years to propose to me.
Three years I had to be
on my best behavior.
I was cooking, cleaning,
swallowing...
I'm kidding.
I don't clean.
I became a mom.
Someone told me
it would make me happy.
Oh!
They told me it was
the best job in the world.
I'm like if it was
the best job in the world,
a man would have it.
Best job?
I work 24/7,
no vacation, no pay.
My employees
complain all the time.
"You suck! I hate you!
You're the worst."
And my coworker
sexually harasses me every day.
Best job in the world.
Do you know that
one in nine women
suffer from postpartum
depression?
Yeah, one in nine.
But the good news is
the government's gotten involved,
and they created
paternity leave.
Yeah, they're sending
the men home to help.
So now nine on nine women
have postpartum depression.
Yeah, I was lucky
I had my mom.
She was so helpful.
Oh, my God,
she would come over and give me the best advice.
She would say,
"Felicia, you're so hard on them.
"They're just kids.
"Relax. Let them be."
Where was she
when I was growing up?
She's always saying to me,
"It's so much harder raising kids now."
I'm like, "Yeah,
that generation was so laid-back,
"they needed
to be reminded to look for us."
It's 10:00 p.m.
Do you know where your children are?
I know where my kid is
every second of the day.
Okay?
I have an app for it.
She's making a left
on 97th and 5th.
They're in a Uber
right now.
And disciplining?
All she had to say was,
"Wait until your dad gets home."
And we listened, right?
You listened.
Because why?
Because they could
hit us, yell at us, right.
We can't do that
anymore.
All I can say is,
"Wait till Dad gets home.
"I'm sending him in
for another
"long, boring talk."
And my son,
he looks at me and he goes, "Mom, please just hit me."
My dad would yell at me
if I left the lights on in the house.
Like, "What, do you own
stock in the electric company?"
I can't do that,
because my kids do.
And what about this?
You know,
when they grounded us,
"Go to your room
and don't come out
"till you're ready
to apologize."
My kids would
never come out.
I always came out right away,
because I left my phone in the kitchen,
attached to the wall.
So I have three kids.
My oldest one is stubborn,
like my husband.
My middle one's gorgeous,
like my trainer. And my...
And my third one, finally,
one that looks like me,
acts like me,
and I can't stand her.
But my oldest one.
When she was 16,
she was diagnosed
with a learning disorder
that made it
very difficult for her to express her feelings.
So we decided
not to treat her.
She's my favorite.
And everyone
has favorites.
You have a favorite, right?
You a favorite?
Oh, come on.
Everyone's mom...
Every mom has a favorite.
You don't think
Jeffrey Dahmer's mom didn't have a favorite?
News flash,
it wasn't Jeffrey.
Yeah. So she's got
extra time in school.
That's where you
can take a test
over multiple hours or days,
or even take it home.
And you're eligible
for this
if you have
ADHD, dyslexia,
or rich parents.
It's a good system,
but I'm a little worried
how these kids
are going to adapt in the real world.
I don't want to go
for my colonoscopy
and have the doctor say
to me,
"Usually this takes a half hour.
"But I get extra time.
"So see you tomorrow."
My son's amazing...
until I sent him to college.
It was very stressful
sending a boy out into the world
without a fully
developed brain.
When he went to college,
he started texting me pictures of all his ailments.
It would be like his bruises,
his ingrown nail, his rashes.
And one day he sent me
a picture of his bloody snot and asked,
"Is this normal?"
I'm like, "The blood,
or the fact that you're sending it to me?"
Honestly,
I was just thankful he didn't get an STD,
because I did not want
my first dick pic to be from my son.
But he's a good kid.
He's really great,
you know.
He calls me once a week,
right after I change
the Netflix password.
So I had a girl,
then a boy, then a third girl.
And everyone
always asks me if she was a mistake.
And I say,
"Not at the time."
She was a terror
when she was a teenager.
They have this
"terrible twos," "sweet 16" all mixed up.
It should be "adorable twos"
and "get the fuck
out of my house 16."
I thought she was
drinking the liquor.
So I came up with this plan,
I started marking
all the bottles of alcohol
to the fill line.
And I did this
for a month.
And you know
what I found out?
I'm an alcoholic.
But can you
blame me?
I mean,
can you blame me?
She's so moody.
I need like a weather app
to predict her moods.
You know? "Today,
partly whiny with a chance of bitch."
"Sunny skies.
"She wants money, guys."
Or maybe it's
more like Waze.
You know, like,
"Watch out, PMS ahead.
"Rerouting,
boyfriend breakup."
"Hazard,
horny husband."
Works for him too.
Yeah,
she complains to me all the time.
The other day
she came home and she said,
"Oh, my God, my hair,
it's frizzy and needs highlights.
"I want a nose job."
"Listen.
What is wrong with you?"
And she said to me,
"I'm just trying to get rid
of all my unattractive Jewish traits."
But then
I thought about it.
I was like, "Okay.
"Let's start with complaining."
And she had the nerve
to say to me one day,
"When did your style
become so matronly?"
"Like, the minute you came out
of my body and ruined it. Obviously."
But luckily, she gets along
really well with her sister.
They're so cute together.
They're great friends.
And they're really adorable
until they go to take an Instagram picture
and become total sluts.
I'm like, "Girls!
Girls, What are you doing?
"And can you teach me?"
So they told me
to make a smize.
Does anyone know
what a smize is?
Anyone?
You know what a smize is?
No? I didn't...
I didn't know it either.
It's when you smile
with your eyebrows,
like raise your eyebrows
and I said to them, "You see this?
"It doesn't move anymore."
So they said, "Okay,
try a duck face, Mom." And I went like...
She's like,
"No, no, no, no, Mom.
"Just look down
and lightly suck."
And I'm like,
"Ooh, I don't do that anymore either."
But you know what
a really fun thing
to do with
a teenage girl is?
It's amazing.
A great bonding experience.
College tours.
Yeah, I took her
across the country.
Oh, my God,
like the hair pulling, the crying, the whining,
and she wasn't
happy, either.
The only one
that was happy was my husband.
He was there
with his map.
Yeah, a paper one.
Even I was embarrassed.
And he was searching
for the frat houses,
the football stadiums, and his lost youth.
Someone else has
a husband with a lost youth.
And it always is the same
where you all,
like pile into an auditorium
with all these other
miserable parents
and their STDs.
And there's someone
trying to convince you to send your child
to this elite,
idyllic, pristine,
beautiful
Ivy League school.
You don't have to pitch me.
Like, why are you pitching me?
This isn't Scientology.
You had me at hello.
It's like me bumping into
Bradley Cooper on the street
and him trying to convince me
to go on a date with him.
I'm like,
you had me at shallow.
And then you
go on the tour.
The tour guide always has
this huge jug of water.
How long is this tour?
I mean, seriously?
The Jews had less water
in the desert for 40 years.
I mean,
I never walked around
with a bottle of water
growing up. Did you?
Did you? No.
When you were thirsty,
what did you do?
-Water fountain.
- Water fountain, exactly.
We'd find a water fountain,
and we lean over
and get our tongue a little wet.
And we were fine all day.
Which made me realize
that this generation is just over hydrated.
Which may be
why they're so fluid.
Then I get to
the security portion
and the security person
says, "Okay,
"if your child's nervous
to walk home alone at night,
"we have a number
for her to call.
"And we'll arrange to
have her walked home
"by a football player."
Isn't that what
I was worried about?
"Don't worry.
We send two football players."
Oh, my God.
Can I have the number?
Luckily, we got her
into school.
She was so excited.
She just wanted to get
as far away from us as possible.
She had one requirement,
she said,
"I want to go
out of the country."
So we sent her to Texas.
And it's a big difference
between moving a girl to school
and a boy to school.
Does anyone
have girls and boys?
They experience this?
- Yeah? Do you agree?
-Yes.
Everyone agree? Yeah.
Okay.
This is what my daughter brought to school. Okay?
Three bags of clothes,
two bags of shoes, one bag of makeup,
an area rug, a throw rug,
a dust ruffle, a duvet, two sets of seats, pillow,
decorative pillows, shams,
more decorative pillows,
lights, twinkle lights,
neon lights,
a vanity mirror,
a regular mirror, a decorative mirror,
four sets of prints,
two photo boards.
None of me.
One vision board,
a shoe rack, a clothes rack, her rack,
an air fryer, a toaster,
and an espresso maker.
And my son
brought his iPhone...
and forgot his charger.
They also advise kids
these days
not to have sex
when they're drunk.
I don't know about you,
but I can't imagine
being in college
and having sex when I wasn't drunk,
I can't even
imagine it now.
Anyway, someone said
if my son happened to take a girl out
and they were drinking,
that he should take her out
for coffee the next day to protect himself.
Yeah, yeah.
So we dropped him off at college
with a box of condoms and a Starbucks card.
And we dropped our daughter off
with an espresso maker.
So I became
an empty nester.
Thank you.
I started a podcast
with my friend called Empty Nesters Podcast.
It was designed
to help women. -
Yeah. It was designed
to help women like
adapt to this new phase
in their life.
And it was a complete failure,
because everyone was completely happy.
I was very happy
until I got an email
a week later from the school
saying there was
visiting weekend in two weeks.
I said to him,
"She just left.
"She's fine.
I'm fine. We're fine."
But of course we went,
and I went to go speak to the teacher.
And the teacher said to me,
"Oh, I cannot talk to you about your daughter."
I was like, "Why?"
She said, "They're fur pelage.
Your daughter is an adult now."
I'm like, "Oh.
"Can you tell her that?"
And while you're at it,
send her the bills.
And why am I here?
So I went home.
A month later, I get a call
from my adult.
I always know
when she's calling,
because I get a text first
from the bank.
She said,
"Mom, I'm in trouble.
"I went to
a fraternity date night.
"I got busted
for underage drinking, and I have to go to court."
I went, "Oh, my God.
"You had a date?"
She's like, "Oh, Mom,
we're just friends."
And I'm like,
"Oh, better luck in court."
And she's like,
"You gotta help me."
So she got what is
called an MIP.
Does anyone know
what that is?
What is it?
Who said it?
-Minor in possession.
- Minor in possession.
I didn't know that. It's a...
It's a minor possession.
Of alcohol, not my money.
And so I said,
"Oh, sweetie, no problem.
"Just call them up.
"You're not a minor.
Tell them you're an adult now."
So, yeah, my kids spend
different amounts of money.
Like, my son spends
a lot less than my daughters, and it's not their fault,
because they have to buy
more expensive things.
They do.
I actually know what my kids
spend their money on,
because I snoop on their Venmo.
Is anyone else... Creepy?
At my son's Venmo,
the emojis are like cheap things
like taco, beer,
Subway...
And my daughters'
are like sushi, wine,
and eggplants.
They're organic,
they're expensive,
and she gets
them washed too.
I came up with
this really good plan.
I go to my husband's Venmo
and I Venmo myself a dollar
and I put emojis like vacation,
diamond, eggplant, trainer.
My friends are so jealous.
But my kids
have no value of money, and it's not their fault.
It's because they never
actually touched it.
Yeah. They think
money grows on apps.
And I gave them
a credit card for emergency
and family-related
things only.
And I had to
call up my daughter and say, "Excuse me,
"What was your emergency
in Sephora?"
"Oh, my God, Mom,
it was Better Than Sex."
What?
Who knows what
Better Than Sex is?
Anyone? Yeah.
What is it?
-A mascara.
- A mascara exactly.
I was really mad
at this company,
that they're targeting
this product to young girls.
I mean,
they're not targeting me,
because if they were,
it'd be called Better Than Sleep.
Okay. These girls
are too young to have their dreams shattered.
Right?
So I asked her,
"Is it still on sale?"
I bought a dozen.
I tried it.
And I have to tell you,
like, no gloppy mess.
You know,
it lasted a long time.
You could do it
multiple times in a day.
It is better than sex.
And then I called
my other daughter,
and I said,
"You know, I think it's time
"that you pay for
your own therapist."
And she said,
"Oh, no, Mom.
"That's definitely
family-related."
That's my single daughter.
Any single guys
out there?
No? One...
One... One...
One brave soul.
Okay. How tall are you?
5'10".
5'10"?
Okay, that's borderline.
How much do you make?
She's on the dating apps.
I suggested eBay,
but whatever.
I mean, they know how
to sell things, right?
Yeah, she's on Bumble.
That's the one where
she gets to pick the guy.
She can't pick a melon.
How is she gonna
pick a guy?
And she complains
about them to me.
And I have to explain to her,
you have no idea what I had to go through.
We didn't have apps.
We had to go on blind dates
where I had some
random guy come to my house,
and he would
knock on my door.
And I always had to leave
two pair of shoes,
a pair of flats and
a pair of high heels,
because I had no idea
how tall he was.
I mean, he was Jewish,
so I kind of knew how tall he was.
But I was hopeful.
And you know how many times
I opened the door and wished I could have...
She complains.
I think it's fun.
Swipe, swipe, swipe,
swipe, swipe.
And I got to get on
the app with her.
I know, creepy.
But she accidentally
spent 2,000 of my dollars, so she owed me.
And we're swiping,
swiping, swiping.
And we're on this one,
for every five swipes, you have to pay $5.
It was the Jewish one.
And $500 later,
she's still looking for a tall guy,
and I'm looking into
how to get my money back.
And then finally I see
this tall, cute guy.
I'm like, "Wait, wait.
What's wrong with that guy?"
And she said, "I don't like
the shape of his face."
I'm like, "That face
went to Harvard...
as a hedge fund
manager."
And she said,
"Mom, you're so shallow."
I'm like, "Me?
"Me... You don't like him
for the shape of his face."
"I'm practical.
"Like, with money,
maybe he could change his face."
They don't know
what they're doing.
I decided that I'm gonna
create an app for her, and for all you girls.
Okay? No pictures.
They're all
fat and bald in the end. It doesn't matter.
It's gonna list
three things.
His income, his height,
and his real height.
And I'm gonna put
reviews on them.
Why are there no reviews
on dating apps?
Right?
We review everything.
Our doctors,
our restaurants, our Uber drivers.
Why not our guys?
We gotta warn people out there.
So this is how
it's gonna work. Okay?
It's going to be like
when you buy an item of clothing online
and you have to
return it.
What do you have to do?
You have to give
a reason, right?
Okay.
So I'm returning this boy to the dating pool.
Reason:
"Not as described
or pictured."
Reason: "Too small."
"Did not come on time."
"Arrived damaged."
Someone once
said to me after...
Thank you.
After the show,
someone said,
"Ah, men reviews."
And I was like, "Oh, my God, that's what I'm gonna call it.
"Amen."
No B's, C's, or D's.
And if you're lucky,
y'all get an "F."
She's still single.
And I said to her,
"Listen..."
I said, "You know,
you just really need
"to learn to love yourself
before you can love anyone else."
So I decided to
buy her a vibrator.
And, boy, oh, boy,
have vibrators changed.
Okay, when I bought
my first vibrator,
there was, like one kind,
and it was
designed by men.
So it was very large
and looked like a penis,
'cause that's what
they thought we liked.
And you unscrew it
and two double D's fall out,
because that's
what they like.
I guess it was
a little intimidating,
so they decided to
put bunny ears on it,
and they called it
a rabbit.
A rabbit.
They have any animal
to choose from in the animal kingdom,
and they chose
the Easter Bunny.
Why didn't they choose
something like wild and strong, like...
I don't know,
like an African lion,
or a Bengal tiger,
or a Channing Tatum?
And now women are
designing vibrators.
And guess what,
guys, they're tiny.
Because size
doesn't matter.
Accuracy does.
And you would know that
if you ever tried
to throw a horseshoe
at a vagina...
Which I wouldn't
recommend.
And now,
women are making them,
and they have
such better names.
Like, what would you
name your vibrator?
No? No masturbators
out there?
Mine would be
"Not My Husband."
But they name 'em
things like "Viva la Vulva."
French Lover.
Tennis Coach.
Which was oddly specific.
And my favorite was
called Mona Lisa.
Yeah. Yeah. I want to see
that marketing meeting.
Uh, okay.
"Well, what should we call it? Uh...
"Well, it might
make her smile."
A little.
They at least
could have called it Moan-a-Lisa. Right?
Men just can't
target products to women properly.
Like, for instance,
let's take porn.
Twenty percent
of the women watch porn.
If I made porn,
100% of women would watch it.
Because I would combine porn
with shopping.
Maybe Debbie does Dallas
in Prada.
Debbie does Dolce...
And Gabbana.
"Such a slut.
"But does she look good
or what?
"Love the shoes."
Yeah, I think the other thing
that men did a really bad job of is...
The pharmaceutical companies
did a horrible job.
Okay, let's take
birth control pills, okay?
It's the only pill
on the market
with the days
of the week on it.
Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday... Right?
I'm on
the menopause pill now.
Same pack, no days.
And now I need it.
You know?
'Cause I don't wanna take the pill. I leave.
"Did I take the pill?
Did I not take the pill?
"Did I take the pill?"
Can you imagine if women
created Viagra for men?
Which, by the way,
we would never do.
And we put it in a pack
with the days of the week.
It would say, "Saturday.
"Next Saturday.
"Next month.
"Maybe next year."
And we just
took flow-backs
and threw it at them
and said, "Good luck."
Oh, my goodness gracious.
So I... I had to go
to my doctor, um,
because I kept
forgetting my pills.
And he suggested that
I try the menopause patch.
He said it's
a little sticker.
You put it on your body.
And you won't notice it.
I won't notice it?
I'm walking around
with a sign on me that says,
"Out of order!"
And I complained to him
about my stomach.
I said I was getting
a little bloated,
and he said, "Felicia,
there's nothing wrong with you.
"It's just age."
He said,
"It's gonna be really hard to lose the weight.
"You're gonna
have to kill yourself.
"I suggest you just learn
to love your new body."
I didn't love
the old body.
It's gonna be
a lot easier to kill myself.
I know you're like,
"Oh, my God, she's not fat."
Okay, let me just
tell you guys, where I'm from,
if you get to be
larger than a size two, you get replaced.
Yeah, I'm from
the Upper East Side.
You should see
the recycle bins.
Glass, paper,
and second wives.
Once, after a show,
a woman walked up to me
and she said,
"Well, you're not a size two.
"How come your husband
didn't leave you?"
Like, "First of all,
fuck you."
"Second of all,
I married a great guy.
"He would never leave me
with half his money."
He suggested that
I just eat things that roam the earth
and come out
of the ground.
So in my backyard,
I planted Snickers.
And then I started
taking exercise classes.
I took a SoulCycle class,
and I'm like on the bike.
I'm like biking, biking,
and like whatever.
And they come over
and they start yelling
all these positive affirmations
that you like, "Go, Felicia.
"We believe in you.
You can do it."
I'm like,
"I was not raised that way."
I need them yelling,
"You lazy piece of shit!
"You'll never amount
to anything.
"You'll never be
as good as your brother."
Oh, my God,
this is such a great class.
My husband got me
an exercise mirror.
Yeah, I didn't
talk to him for a month.
Do you know what
an exercise mirror is?
Yeah, it's this mirror.
You put it on the wall
and you select a routine.
And then there's
this wicked bitch inside telling you what to do.
She's like,
"Move those hips harder.
"You've gained
a lot of weight."
Like, "Mom, is that you?"
I showed my husband.
I took that mirror and put it over our bed.
Now it criticizes him.
"Move those hips harder.
"You'll never be as good
as your brother."
Let's face it,
the only way that mirror
is going to help me
lose weight
is if I put it
on the coffee table.
So amazing.
So I'm addicted
to Ambien.
Anyone? Just me?
I usually have to explain
to the young people what Ambien is.
Ambien's what you take
when none of your dreams come true.
I hate it when I tell someone
I'm addicted to Ambien,
and they say,
"Have you tried melatonin?"
That's like saying
to a crack addict,
"Have you tried tea?"
I went to a sleep specialist.
She gave me
all these things.
She started with telling me
that I should not
leave my phone
by my bedside.
She said I should
leave it in the kitchen.
And I'm like, "How is that
gonna help me sleep?
"'Cause now I have to get up,
out of bed, walk down the hall to check my DMs."
Then she suggested
a weighted blanket.
It's this heavy blanket.
You put it on you
and it relieves all your stress and anxiety.
It didn't help me sleep,
but I lost ten pounds
dragging it back and forth
to the kitchen.
And then,
last I tried an Oura Ring.
She suggested that.
You guys know what it is?
It's like a Fitbit
for your finger.
And you go to sleep,
and it measures your heartbeat,
your REM sleep,
your deep sleep.
You wake up in the morning
and you check an app,
and it says things like,
"It's going to be
a difficult day."
I'm like, "Isn't that
what this ring tells me?"
I also suffer
from depression.
Anyone?
Statistically,
some of you are lying.
I read that 70% of the women
in United States are on antidepressants.
Yeah, which means
30% are depressed.
I'll let you guys
do the math on that one.
Yeah, I have a friend
who walked up to me and said, "Felicia,
"you have
three beautiful children,
"a loving husband,
and two homes.
"You cannot be depressed."
I said to her,
"I said I was depressed,
"not beneath you."
It's dark, guys,
but you can laugh.
Someone suggested
I volunteer,
so I went to
a homeless shelter.
And after spending
an entire day there,
I have to say
I was really depressed.
But I made a difference,
because there was
this sad man in the corner,
and I walked up to him,
and I was talking to him
and I said, "You know,
"you're not depressed
because you're homeless.
"Because I'm depressed
and I have a house in the Hamptons."
It didn't make him feel better.
So they asked me to leave.
And I decided the next day
I would volunteer at a rehab clinic.
I figured I'd have more
experience with that.
I could really
help someone, and I did.
Because there was
this crack addict in the corner,
and I walked up to her
and I said,
"Have you tried tea?"
No, but I'm fortunate.
I know I am.
I get unconditional
love and support
from my loving
and adorable dog.
I have a Cavapoo, which is
a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel poodle mix.
Do you notice?
Like everything's mixing with poodles?
You know,
there's like Maltipoos, shittypoos, bernadoodles...
I kind of feel sorry
for poodles.
No one wants just them.
They're kinda like
white men.
But if you mix them
with something...
all of a sudden you have
a Barackadoodle,
and everyone wants it.
We had a hard time
naming our dog,
so someone suggested
that we think of things that we love.
So my kids came up
with names
like Sushi, Chip, Yankee.
I chose Cash.
But my husband
won the name game.
So I was walking BJ
the other day.
And I was in the park,
and I was like,
"BJ, BJ, come! Come, BJ. Come."
BJ wouldn't come.
So I renamed
her G-spot.
She never came.
We couldn't find her.
We just stopped looking for her.
But I do...
I do have to thank my husband.
We just celebrated
being happily married for 25 years.
Yeah.
It was our 32nd
wedding anniversary.
Marriage.
Till death do you part.
That's a long time.
I mean, marriage was
a good idea when people lived to 30, right?
Who needs divorce
when all your marital problems
could be solved
by the black plague?
I mean,
there was a lot of love in the time of cholera.
This is the one area where
I was kind of helpful to the young audience.
I was like
the wedding whisperer.
"Don't do it."
But no,
I give them advice.
I always say,
"Secret to a happy marriage is communication.
"Only through texts
or emails.
"So you have proof
that you told him."
"Don't go to bed angry."
I tried it.
I pulled three all-nighters,
and said fuck it,
and took an Ambien.
And, of course,
the most important thing... sex. Right, girls?
Yeah. And I know
you get tired.
The kids,
you all complain.
I love it
when a young couple gets divorced
and the first thing
they do
is they go to the kids
and say, "Mom and Dad are getting divorced,
"but it had nothing
to do with you."
Really? Because you guys
looked really happy before you had kids.
But sex is important,
and I always say to the girls out there,
it only takes five minutes.
And if you're good, three.
It probably
takes you longer
to take
your makeup off.
And I'm sure
your boyfriend,
or husband
won't mind if you multitask.
'Cause this is
a great position for it.
But I get it.
It's hard.
I complain
to my husband too, and he gets mad.
I say, "It's not
that I'm not interested.
"I'm tired because, like,
when we go on vacation, we have a lot of sex."
And he said,
"Yeah, but I'd like to have sex with you
"for less than
$500 a night."
And I said, "You're looking
at this the wrong way.
"You should just be thankful
that you could afford it."
But I understand.
So for you,
$250 cash.
And as someone
once said to me,
if you want
to keep your husband from having an affair,
you should give him
a blowjob every morning.
I said he could
have the affair.
That is not
a good trade.
And I realize
that life is about trades.
You know, you might
not not be able to have it all,
but you have
some of it.
And then together,
it's all.
Like, for instance,
I gave up my independence
for my marriage.
And that's working out
pretty well, all right.
I gave up my career for my kids,
and I really do love them.
Even the little one.
And I gave up everything
for this.
How's it going?
And I can't wait
till my great-grandkids
watch it,
and they go running
into their mother and father and go,
"Mom, Dad!
"What does fellatio mean?"
And they're going to
look at them and say,
"Oh, I think you mean
great-Grandma Felicia.
"She was a great mom
who late in life changed her career,
"and inspired the world,
"and didn't take no
for an answer,
"and spread laughter
"by using her mouth
to spread joy."
And they looked at them
and said, "No.
"We meant fellatio."
"Oh. Yeah.
We don't remember."
I'm Felicia Madison.
Thank you.