Femalien: Cosmic Crush (2020) Movie Script
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There is a light that shines
in the distant cosmos.
Many points of energy sharing
a common mind and purpose,
but each possessing
our own free will.
We are the Alterian Collective,
ascended beyond
physical limitations.
We know not hunger, nor strife.
We are harvesters of data,
shepherds of knowledge.
We want your lives
and hear your stories.
Our favorites are the sexy ones.
Expedition log 2120.
My research team has
followed me to the ends
of the charted galaxy on
a quest to kill a god.
Today, our vessel, The
DeJorge, touches down
on the fourth moon of Thanagar.
Just easing her in now.
Maybe wanna grab onto something.
We've arrived at
the Temple of the All Mother,
where this whole
cosmic course began.
And here it will end.
Oh, ooh.
Professor
Dara'Tel Quenthosz, end log.
Air is breathable,
with gravity at .9951.
No reading on noxious
gases or bacteria.
Excellent, Pim.
We'll touch ground in five.
Give the receiver a chance to
pick up any stray particles
that might be
floating around here.
Looks like the high
country back home.
Looks can be deceiving, Pim.
This is the boondocks
of the galaxy,
and no one's been out
here for millennia.
Keep an eye on those readouts.
I'm not interrupting
anything, am I?
Ready for class, Professor.
It's more of a
field trip, Marion.
I was not aware that there
was a weapon aboard this ship.
Well, Daddy told
me to come prepared.
You know Daddy.
I see.
Pack a full medi kit.
We'll be tackling a thick bush.
Yeah, sure thing.
We touch ground
in five, you two.
I think it's nice.
Perimeter is secure, with
a beacon at every click.
Yeah, and we're
working the lower levels,
but they appear to open
to a crude tunnel system.
Goddess knows how far those run.
Professor?
Yes. Only the
Goddess knows for now.
Secure them as best
as you can for now.
We'll explore them later.
Now leave me.
Leave me!
Sure thing, Professor.
I have traveled to the far
reaches of the charted galaxy,
and drained all of my project's
funding chasing a legend.
What do I find?
Could there be just a bit
of magic in the universe?
Hello there.
What are you, little one?
Are you a
semi-intelligent fungus?
Are you a little highly
evolved bacteria?
I think you are.
That was interesting.
Should we try that again?
Oh.
Yes, I would want it.
Oh.
Come to me, Professor.
Yes, yes.
You're really
working that human form, Maxy.
I don't know.
I'm honored that they
chose me for the squadron,
but humans are so
much maintenance.
The teeth alone.
And don't get me
started on the holes.
These humans have at
least a dozen of them,
each with a different function.
Yet, here you are.
I don't know. I'm
still getting used to it.
It's a huge adjustment.
Did you hear
about the type five pulse event
that just happened
in Gamma Sector?
Gamma Sector? There's
nobody out there.
A type five, for real?
That's what's
coming through the data feed.
Yeah, I can feel it.
Oh well.
There's no way they would
give us type five anyway.
Not with that attitude.
That assignment will
go to a senior collector.
We won't get so
much as a type two
Jillaxian Diddler
on our first run.
Cosmic perv alert.
This looks like a job for
Collector 4878 Maxy Prime
and her intrepid auxiliary
and the real brains of
the outfit, Gab-E Jinx.
You're sticking
with that form?
I'm still working it out.
But, it is pleasing,
utilitarian,
and it only has
three holes, I think.
Collector 4878,
Auxiliary 8127,
report to council chambers
immediately for assignment.
Can you guess why we
summoned you here?
I heard about the type
five, but it can't be that.
It is indeed.
What? No, there
must be some mistake.
The Alterian High Council
is an ageless cosmic tribunal.
We have seen the birth and
death of entire star systems
while evolving into
points of pure energy.
We do not make mistakes.
You would know that if
you weren't so newly formed.
Right.
So why are you sending me to
investigate a godlike energy
pulse in the far
reaches of the galaxy?
We have the utmost faith
in you, Collector 4878.
I'm here too.
And the orgy wars of
Crimulan Seven have depleted
our reserves of collectives
for the time being.
Yeah, I've noticed it was
a little quiet around here.
So we are relying
on you to investigate
the situation and
gather intelligence,
remembering always
the Alterian credo.
Touch not, lest ye be touched.
Correct, Collector 4878.
I see our faith in
you was not ill-founded.
Three cheers then
for the collector,
and this other one.
Were we just dismissed?
I don't know. These
guys give me the creeps.
Let's just go.
Ah.
Come on.
Hey, Maxy, have you
ever been out this far?
No.
They say only outlaws
and long-haul freighters
ever pass through here.
Do you think we'll find
something of interest?
Nothing too sexy, or they
never would have sent us.
Coming in range now.
Boosting in two, one.
Hey, Maxy, do you think
things'll get physical down here?
I'd say that's a
distinct possibility, yes.
I mean, that kinda physical.
I'd say that's a
distinct possibility, yes.
I thought so.
Is that okay? It's
what we trained for.
Yeah, I'm just excited is all.
I know what you mean.
Boosting in two, one.
And, a little nervous.
Well, there's a first time
for everyone, even an Alterian.
Are you ready to boost now?
Yes.
In two, one.
What if I don't like it?
Or, what if I like it too much?
I think the important
thing is to remember
your training, Gab-E.
You were put on this
mission for a reason.
The High Council
has faith in you,
but you need to have
faith in yourself as well.
You're right, Maxy. I'm
gonna be the best at sex.
That's the spirit, Gab-E.
Boosting in two, one.
I'm gonna have all the sex.
Professor?
Professor?
Um.
Professor, it's past 11.
Don't you think we should
be starting our day?
Did you sleep here last night?
Yes, Marion, thank you.
I was overtaken by the rich
Thanagarian culture of the place
and wanted to
immerse myself in it.
An opportunity we should
all take while we're here.
Of course, Professor.
But, don't you
think you should um?
Yes, Marion, thank you.
Are Jeetz and Pim awake as well?
No.
They slept in.
Together.
Well, fetch them and
clear out the commissary.
We'll be here for breakfast
in no more than 15 paraclicks.
I'm famished.
Marion, this is a new world.
And we are pioneers.
Pioneers don't stand
blubbering in the hall.
Pioneers clear out the
commissary and serve breakfast
for the new gods every damn day.
Now go, Marion.
Run!
Run!
What a glorious plurality.
Would you look at this relic?
This is someone else's
property, and we're trespassing.
No, it belongs in a museum.
Look, the controls
are touch activated,
and it runs on ion
hyper clusters.
Primitive.
Right? A classic.
Do you wanna activate
the fusion chambers?
All you do is flip a couple
switches and pull this lever.
No, stop. Don't touch that.
Let's take it for a spin.
No, stop stop stop. This
is not why we're here.
Mm.
You know, we're not really
doing the best on rations.
I wanted to install a
stasis garden this morning.
But, we didn't
quite get to that.
Well, we were all worn
out from the journey.
I think we really needed
the extra time in bed.
We were in cryo
sleep for two months.
We had a busy
night last night.
In fact, we got real busy.
I feel drained, and
I know Jeetz is.
How could you, Jeetz?
I thought we were life mates.
We are. I don't even
know what happened.
I hate you, Jeetz Axelrod!
That's a real pathetic
way of bonding, guys.
I don't think any
of this is funny.
Oh, get over it, Jeetz.
Is she even qualified
to be on this expedition?
Well, her parents are
significant contributors
to the sanctorum.
I'm sure you've visited the
Alvudo Deep Space Observatory.
Ah, gotcha.
Still, though, doesn't
she seem a little unhinged
to be toting around a blaster?
Well, seems like
a big deal to her,
and I don't foresee any
negative consequence.
Now that we've all
regained our strength,
we will begin moving our
things into the temple.
We will make this our home
for the duration of the
expedition.
Jeetz?
Is that you?
If you think I'm
packing up your shit
for the temple, you're
clearly mistaken.
That shuttle has left the dock!
Jeetz?
Who the hell are you?
I'm Gab-E Jinx.
Pleased to meet you.
Ooh, you're cute.
I'll blast you.
Please, we mean you no harm.
We're pilgrims to the temple,
and we've lost our clothes.
Can you help us?
Have you fools installed
the comm systems yet?
Yeah, Pim is on it now.
And I have noticed
your language become
gradually more abusive
throughout the day.
Have you?
That surprises me.
And I don't think the
Scholastica Infinitum
would like the idea
of us using our comms
to barter for food.
Priorities must shift
as necessity dictates.
If our rate of consumption
continues in this manner,
the stasis gardens won't do.
I just wish we were involved
in some of these decisions.
Yeah, when are
we gonna get a turn
with the pleasure beast?
You barely let us
touch it all day.
Is it my fault
the beast favors me?
Perhaps it senses my
superior intellect.
Blow it out your ass.
Breaker, breaker, you've got
Blue Hugh Mongous on the side.
Ooh, we got a live one.
What are you hauling, Blue?
On my way to Therax Beta,
with a full tanker of
soylent paste, come on.
That'll work just fine, Bluey.
Sorry,
what'll work? Come on.
If that husky voice is any
indication of the caliber
of stud I'm dealing with,
you might just scratch me
right where I itch.
How's that grab you?
Dang, Miss, that's
a real tempting offer,
but I got a schedule to keep.
Why do they call
you Hugh Mongous?
Now that's
a personal question.
Maybe someday, if I
get to know you better.
You need to bring
that sexy ass of yours
to the fourth moon of
Thanagar, for some downtime.
Some all the way downtime,
if you catch my
meaning, big boy.
Oh, ho ho, I don't know.
You seen nice and all, but...
You got optics on that thing?
Yeah, top
of the line, come on.
All right.
You like what you see, Blue?
Yeah, sure do.
Ooh, baby, you got more twists
than a Cenerian cyclone.
Well then, why don't
you park that big tanker
of protein slurry
and come on over?
Oh yeah.
Yay!
What are we all celebrating?
Your teammates were able
to active the comm system
and arrange for provisions
to be delivered.
Well, that's good to hear,
especially with how much
you've all been eating.
Well hard work builds
an appetite, Marion.
Now, who have you
brought into my temple?
Your temple, Professor?
My temple, my dig
site, you get the idea.
Meet my friends,
Maxy and Gab-E.
They are on a pilgrimage.
Bitchin' top.
I got one just like it.
Right.
They didn't have any clothes,
so they had to borrow ours.
What? That's my
daxin reverb top?
Sorry, Pim.
But, hey, I figured
we're trying to get
to know the
indigenous population.
After all, we thought this
moon was abandoned, right?
I mean, when I found them,
they were naked and shameless.
Yes, very interesting.
Please see to it that
they are well tended.
Now if you'll excuse me, I
will retire to my quarters.
Guys, these are my
classmates, Jeetz and Pim.
We are on a research
grant from our university
to study your goddess
and how great she is.
Or isn't.
Marion, can I talk to
you alone for a minute?
Anything you've
got to say to me,
you can say in front
of my friends here.
Really?
Anything I could possibly
have to say to my life mate
I can say in front of
these two strangers
you met 15 paraclicks ago?
Sure, why not?
Okay, well,
when I was making love to Pim,
I didn't think of you once.
I feel terrible about
that, but it's the truth.
Oh God, it was like
fucking a five-alarm fire.
I was really in the moment,
like I haven't been
in ages with you.
How could you say that in
front of all these people?
Because I want to
understand, Marion.
I want to know why.
I love you, Marion!
So are you like the
mongrel stud around here?
We came in search of a strong
presence of a sexual nature.
But you're not it.
Hey, I do all right.
I'm sure you do, and
I would have you soon,
but you are not the
presence we seek.
It is nearby, though.
You know something.
You've seen it.
Listen, Maxy, is it?
You wanna see something?
I would like that, yes.
You come with me.
I'll show you something.
And don't worry about her.
My buddy Jeetz is gonna
show her something too.
Something she won't soon forget.
Are you gonna be okay?
Yeah, I think I gotta
do something a little
different to get his attention.
So, Pim just
talks big, you know.
I don't want you to get
the wrong idea about me.
Marion is actually my...
My li...
My friend and I
are here to collect
erotic intel and experiences.
I understand that not
all species may share
in erotic experiences freely.
If your bond with Marion
prevents you from sharing with me
in an erotic manner, please
accept this handshake
as a token of my regard.
That was a direct quote
from the Alterian Code
of Interspecies
Fornication, Article Three.
Are you okay?
This was a sacred place
to the ancient Thanagarians.
Yes, I can see that.
I was hoping, maybe,
you could help us
decipher some of this.
You are from this
system, aren't you?
In a way, yes.
Is it your religion?
Does it vibe with what you
know about the All Mother?
You guys can bunk here tonight.
It's not long on
comfort, or charm.
The shaman wasn't
much of an artist.
Arms are kinda noodly.
And I can't tell if she's
hugging them or strangling them.
Tentacles everywhere.
Very erotic.
You really seem to
be into that. Yeah.
Very enlightening.
Yes, I figured they were
significant in your religion.
Of course.
Give you any ideas?
Very stimulating.
Good, because there's more.
Hey, Gorgeous.
Why so glum?
You know why I'm glum.
Jeetz and Pim are
having an affair,
and they're not, not even
bothering to hide it.
Ah.
Those two lovebirds can't keep
their hands off each other.
Can you do something about it?
You're the professor.
Isn't it against the
rules or something?
There's no rules
that I know of.
I can't impinge on
their rights, Marion.
It's not my place.
In fact, I find
it very arousing.
Oh.
Everyone here is
a sex maniac but me.
Well, he is the only
man on the expedition.
It was bound to
happen eventually.
Did,
did you ever?
No.
I mean, I considered it,
just for a change of pace.
Jeetz is especially ragged
and unkempt, even for a man.
I prefer my playthings pretty
and sweet smelling.
Oh.
Oh, I don't know.
I've never, I've never
done that before.
Well, you may as
well get used to it.
I think Pim will have
your man's attention
for quite some time.
And your new friends, they
look curious and hungry.
They may want a turn
with him as well.
I suppose I brought
that on myself.
Yes, but we can
have our own fun.
I
guess.
If it's all I've
got for a while.
That's it, Marion.
As they say in the tungsten
mines of Arcar Genesi,
love the one you're with.
This does not bode well.
These images harken the
return of the All Mother,
the world devourer.
Primitive superstition,
merely an ancient
excuse for an orgy party.
The Thanagarian sex
eater will reawaken,
just as the prophecies foretold.
And she will usher in oblivion,
the beast which can't be fed.
We must proceed with caution,
lest we endanger our
operatives and bring about
the end of the
galaxy as we know it.
But you must admit, Council,
the tentacles are
universally appealing.
The Goddess is not
without her charms,
but the temple is no place
for fledgling collectors.
We will pull
them from the field
until we have studied
the matter further.
And we'll pray on
all things erotic
that we are not too late.
I don't dare consider
what tortures our agents
have already been subjected to.
I've never met a
Thanagarian before.
Are you all mega hotties?
Of course.
Oh, this sure has been
a strange expedition.
That's for sure.
Maybe this cavern isn't
as secure as we thought.
Let's retire to the surface.
Good idea.
I want you to join
me in the Throne Room,
and I want you to wear this.
That's nice.
Do you think it's
appropriate for fieldwork?
You want to impress
him, don't you?
Clean yourself up
and put this on.
Join me at the throne
in 20 paraclicks.
We saw some very
interesting things
down there, Gab-E,
very enlightening.
Do tell.
That was sure nice of them
to put us up for the evening.
Yes, we should thank them
properly in the morning.
With sexual favors?
Of course.
I slept with a man today.
Yes, Earth slang for
sexual intercourse.
I prefer porking.
No, I mean I actually
slept with him.
I had dreams and everything.
They were really
strange and super kinky.
Alterians don't sleep,
and we have no subconscious
in which to dream.
Although I believe I
understand the concept.
I think all that
sex took it outta me.
I'm bushed.
We're beings of pure energy.
Sex can't take
anything out of you.
That's not how this works.
Well how do you know?
Have you ever had it?
Yes, just now with
the one they call Pim.
Ah.
I guess that counts.
How does it not?
Well, you're a
female, she's a female.
And she pleased me and I her.
As they say in the Calomber
Casino, dealer's choice.
Please, students.
A bit of decorum.
We have an honored
guest joining us.
I see the pod has been
well fed in my absence.
Yes, Professor. She especially
enjoys her new guests.
I don't know if
it's appropriate
you call me Professor anymore.
I feel my duties have shifted,
and with them, so
should my title.
We are rebuilding an
empire, after all.
Therefore,
Empress Dara'Tel
seems only fitting.
Yes, she likes that.
Kneel, my subjects.
Kneel before your empress!
Yes.
Here she is now.
Doesn't Marion have to kneel?
No, fool.
This is my princess.
From now on, you
will kneel to her.
None of this is necessary.
Really.
Come forth, Princess Marion.
Take your place at my side.
Marion, look at you. You
never looked so hot before.
Shut up, Jeetz.
You've had your chance.
We really should talk, baby.
All I can think about
is doing you again.
Silence!
Both of you, avert your eyes.
She is royalty now,
and you are nothing.
The pod commands it.
What's the pod?
You will know soon
enough, my dear.
Come closer.
You'll see for yourself.
I don't know about this.
You've all been acting
strange since we got here.
I mean, the professor's
on a power trip,
and you two are treating
this expedition like
some sort of, sexpedition.
It's freaking me all out!
Should we brace her, Empress?
No.
Let her go.
But I like that you are
taking this well, Pim.
Very good.
Empress Dara'Tel
seems only fitting.
Kneel before your
empress! You are nothing.
Avert your eyes.
The pod commands it.
Whoa, this Empress
Dara'Tel's off her nut.
Are you getting this? Gab-E?
Yes, the crazy ones
make the best lovers.
I'll pursue her first
thing in the morning.
Be that as it may, there
seems to be more afoot here
than our little
sexual side wager.
Maxy, Gab-E, can I come in?
It's me, Marion.
Hey, Marion.
You guys are here.
Hey, Marion.
Everyone in this place
is so weird, except for me.
How do you mean?
Well, you two
are okay, I guess.
A little dim is all.
You're okay by me too, Marion.
But my research crew,
ever since we got here,
they've been acting
stranger by the metaclick.
Must be this place.
It's getting to them somehow.
I think you may
be onto something.
There's a cavern beneath this
temple that I must show you.
You mean the
subterranean genesis pools?
Aren't they beautiful?
Yes, but there's
something developing there
that we should
investigate further.
Bikini time!
Come on, guys.
Bikini time?
I need this.
The pod tires of you.
Fetch me my princess.
Uh, we got company, Empress.
I think it's that
soylent paste freighter.
Yes, the slurry to feed
our little worker bees
and keep the hive going.
Is he close?
Landing now, Empress.
Pim, prepare
for our new guest.
Let's give him what he came for.
Yes, Empress.
Gab-E, are you sure that
bikinis are the best garb
for a subterfuge like this one?
Yes, Maxy, it's
the perfect cover.
Just a few sassy ladies
out for a midnight swim.
Let's go.
The vines are progressing.
The cavern is cracking
apart. I can hear it.
Come over here. I'll
show you something.
Guys, I don't think it's safe.
Oh, Marion, you
bleat like cattle.
No wonder your lover
has abandoned you.
That was a little
harsh, wasn't it, Maxy?
No, she's right.
If I'm gonna be any
good for this team,
I've gotta get it together.
Okay then.
Look there, under the water.
It's these pods that have been
dropping from the ceiling.
There must be a dozen of them.
Wow, I see. Let's
take a closer look.
Sounds good, guys.
I'll just be up here
keeping a lookout.
Thank you,
Marion. You do that.
You are really going
to enjoy our grotto.
Just up ahead.
Miss, you are very lovely,
but I got a freight of slurry
out there that aint
getting any fresher.
So, if we could, as they say
in the Grail Star Cluster,
get down to the get down,
I'll be on my merry way.
Don't you want a grand
tour of our facilities?
Lady, I got eight penises
that need satisfaction.
This is gonna take
long enough as it is.
So I suggest we get
down to brass tacks.
Pim, do we have a new guest?
You got the king of the cosmic
convoy, Blue Hugh Mongous.
How enchanting.
Captain of my tub.
I'm Dara'Tel.
Ooh, ah.
Pleasure.
Yeah.
I would like to welcome you
to our newest attraction here
at the Thanagarian bordello.
Now.
You just sit down, get
comfortable and enjoy the show.
Ooh, ah.
We got pods.
Quiet.
Dara'Tel and Pim
are over with some
freighter pilot they lured here.
I got one for you too,
Marion, so we can each have one.
Thank you, Gab-E.
Please.
Be quiet.
Marion, these friends of
yours are very interesting.
Okay, I have no idea
where this is going now.
I'd venture a guess that
it's going somewhere sensual.
What are you guys?
All will be explained in time.
Ooh, how lucky are we today?
Our body heat has
attracted some native one.
Oh, hey now, what are these
squishy little critters?
Impudent cur!
How dare you kick
the seeds of a god?
What she means to say is,
this is a protected species.
Is that a fact?
This is a Thanagarian
pleasure pod.
Just give it a little tickle,
and it'll give
you all the feels.
I don't want no funny stuff.
Just girls, and lots of them.
What do I look like,
some kinda freak?
Just tickle the damn
pleasure pods, you ugly squid.
All right, okay. You don't
need to get ornery now.
Doesn't it feel good?
Not bad. Not so bad at all.
Would you like to try another?
Ooh.
Maybe just one more.
Woo, woo, oh, woo.
Another.
Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa whoa.
Whoa.
Blue Hugh Mongous?
You finally found me
after all these miles.
Blue Hugh Mongous,
do you like my babies,
Blue Hugh Mongous?
Oh, too many for old Blue.
Whoa, ho.
Whoa, come on, come on down!
See, Pim, that's why I
don't fool around with males.
No stamina.
Oh.
Should we do something
about our friend here?
Oh, whatever. He
was a dick anyways.
Are we still talking about him?
Oh shit, I love these pods.
Did you see that?
I think they just
killed that guy.
Maxy, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
We share a hive mind.
So yes.
Hey, cutie.
Are you trying to cheer me up?
Who's the precious little pod?
All right, the coast is clear,
so let's just walk in business.
I'll see you in our room.
Oh God. Why can't I bounce?
My darling Pim,
if I didn't know any better,
I'd say you were sweet on
our large blue friend here.
Eh, I've done worse.
Hello.
Hello.
Oh.
If I can't bounce,
what can I do?
Marion, the professor,
Empress, has been
looking for you.
Professor Empress knows
where to find me, doesn't she?
No, I think that
was the issue.
Well, I'm right here.
I see that.
And?
What about you?
Did you still wanna
have that little chat?
Do I ever.
Well then why don't
you come over here
and tell me what
you've gotta say?
Is someone there?
Auxiliary 8127,
do you read me?
It is I, Alterian High
Council the First.
Do I know you?
Not in this form, but we have
met in the council chambers.
The High Council was
concerned that you and Maxy
were in over your heads,
and I'm here to help.
Okay, what's your designation?
You know, in all the commotion,
we failed to assign one.
I haven't been in
the field in so long.
Hey, since you're a
member of the High Council,
we can call you Hi-Co.
Hi-Co.
I like it.
These visitors, where
do they come from?
I figured they were locals.
I couldn't imagine either
of those two dipshits
piloting a star cruiser.
Nah.
I'm not buying that
local yokel story
for a new court paraclick.
No, there's more to these
interlopers than meets the eye.
These are ancient
beings of great power.
You can tell just
by looking at them?
I know this, because
the pod knows this.
The pod craves their power,
but has used them as well.
We must tread lightly with
these strange visitors.
It's just as we suspected.
You're dealing with
a godly power here,
and your cover is blown.
Is there somewhere
safe we can boost?
I can't boost.
I don't, I don't know
what's wrong with me.
I feel it too.
Something in this temple
is draining our powers.
Here, come close to me.
Ooh, so warm and tingly.
Gab-E, where were you?
And who the hell is this?
Alterian High Council the
First, field designation Hi-Co.
I couldn't boost. Hi-Co
saved me with her power hug.
I must confess, it would
have worked with a mere touch
of the hand, but I
find your form pleasing
and I took advantage
of the situation.
For that, I apologize.
That's okay, Hi-Co. I
find your form pleasing too.
Maybe later we can get to
know each other better.
I'd like that, Gab-E.
Yeah, well, as they say
in the Motel Stars area,
get a room, you two.
But get it somewhere else.
We're leaving tonight.
No, we have to stay and
fix the damage we've done.
It's funny a High
Council member would forget
the Alterian Code
of Noninterference.
Yes, Collector
Maxy, but you may have noticed
strange activity here recently.
Yeah, you could
say that again.
Well these events
have been accelerated
by your presence here.
We are in the lair
of an ancient beast
that has been feeding off
people since we've arrived.
I think I would have
noticed if an ancient beast
was feeding off of me.
Have you tried using
your powers lately?
The council has been
unable to reach you.
Can you connect to them?
I can't.
I can't see anything
past the temple.
I can even feel my vast
energy slowly dwindle
as the beast grows in power.
What took hundreds of
years in empire building
is done in a matter
of days with you two
Alterian energy
cows loafing around.
Hey.
The energy cow is worshiped
as a god in some faiths.
I'll take it as a compliment.
We have to fix
the mess we've made.
Can't we just boost
back to domicile
and let Marion and
the gang sort it out?
They seem like a capable bunch.
The Thanagarian pod
beast is a world devourer,
a planet ender.
It won't stop at Thanagar.
It will continue across the
galaxy just as it did before
and they'll be nothing left.
We won't be leaving this
to Marion and the gang.
We'll destroy this
monster, and we'll return
to Alteria for a hero's welcome.
How do you suppose we do that?
We give the bitch
what she wants.
Our last union.
Am I supposed to be here?
We seek an audience
with the empress.
Wait, there is
three of you now?
This is Hi-Co. She's new.
Hi-Co pleases the pod.
Do I?
I don't really know. The
pod doesn't talk to me much.
You guys really went to
town on that protein slurry.
It's hungry work,
building an empire.
This is what you
call an empire?
It looks like an outer
colony poo hatch den.
This place is
straight outer colony.
Hey.
We're getting
stronger every day.
You'll see.
Someone is here.
Beast of great and
delicious power.
We seek an audience
with Her Majesty,
Dara'Tel, the
Empress of Thanagar.
First child of the All Mother,
herald to the world eater
and voice of the pod.
I'm listening.
Maxy, is it?
Alterian Collective Unit 4878.
Field designation Maxy Prime.
Alterian Collective, you say?
All of you?
You masquerade as
common pilgrims.
You think the pod couldn't
sniff out your powers,
but we knew you were special
before you even
entered this temple.
Such is the glory of the pod.
We Alterians worship
great power above all else,
especially that of an
erotic and carnal nature.
We sensed the pod's
lusty energies from afar,
and we are here
seeking union with her.
The Goddess seeks no union.
She only wishes to consume.
And so we shall live on
in the belly of the Goddess.
We are beings of pure energy.
As you know, energy
cannot be destroyed.
It merely changes form.
It is our place
in the cosmic dance.
We are not
bound by flesh as you are,
Dara'Tel of the Scholastica
Infitum Sanctorum.
The sanctorum is
far behind me now.
Here,
I am an empress.
Then grant we fulfill
our destiny, Empress.
A union between the pod
and the Alterian Collective
could be just the thing to
spread her glorious spore
across the expanse
of time and space.
The Goddess does not need
your union to spread her spore.
But still,
you intrigue the pod.
You will be first.
With honor, Empress.
Uh-uh, uh-uh, hold on.
Slowly.
The pod enjoys a show.
Empress, are we thinking
enough is enough here?
No, we will just feel
the energy flowing.
The power coursing
through the tentacles.
Yeah, I feel it.
It's gonna bring this
whole temple down.
Pim, this temple has
stood for an eternity,
and it's gonna stand
for an eternity longer.
Okay.
I'm just gonna run some
trash out to the pile.
Never mind them, my love.
Join me.
As we usher in
a new age.
My Goddess, no!
The pod is dying. We must
leave this place at once.
Can you boost? I
can't even change form.
Ditto.
It was all the
energy I could muster
to overload the beast.
I'm as drained as you are.
There's a twin-ion
deep star cruiser
parked just outside the temple.
If we can make that, I can
get us into the jump ship.
Then it's home free.
Sounds like a
plan. Let's move.
Marion,
what's gotten into you?
You did this.
You ruined everything.
It was so beautiful until
you Alterians came along.
Your god is dead, Marion,
and will soon be buried.
Will you stay here
with your empress,
presiding over a pile of rubble?
Or will you come with us?
I don't know.
It's all just so confusing.
Okay, let's grab her and
get the hell outta here.
The sun rises
again on Thanagar.
Maybe we'll get another
8,000 years of peace.
I wouldn't bet on it, Gab-E.
Well, it was still a
good mission overall.
We awakened an
ancient, godlike evil
and set it loose
in the universe.
How is that a good mission?
We didn't awaken the
pod. We exposed it.
We saved the princess, and
we got it all cleared up.
No harm done.
We destroyed an
ancient temple.
Well sure, but
nobody got hurt.
Well, Dara did.
Also, I punched Marion.
And what about that
Jillaxian freighter captain?
Oh.
I forgot about him.
Hey, let's leave that
out of the report, cool?
Cool as the ice moon
on Party Planet Seven.
Ch.
I found a couple stowaways.
Dammit, I'm so easy to
sneak up on without my powers.
I don't see anything
coming anymore.
What do you say, Captain, to
the jettison hatch with them?
Yeah, whatever,
those guys are jerks.
Wait, Maxy, you
still gotta make it
with a male of the species.
Oh yeah.
I was planning on
giving that one the sex.
Well, you can't jettison
me quite yet then, can you?
I suppose not.
And we had our fun, the
two of us. Didn't we, Maxy?
You don't wanna toss
old Pim into space.
We might harvest
data from this one yet.
Oh, Gab-E, someone
has to man the ship.
You're gonna have
to sit this one out.
I never get to have any fun.
Well, since none of
our powers have returned,
we have to do this
the old-fashioned way.
Yes, it's interesting
that none of my life energy
has returned in any
significant way.
Those Alterians sure were
some hot pieces of cosmic ass.
Yeah.
Hey, why do you think
they haven't gotten
their powers back yet?
Probably all the pleasure
pods I smuggled aboard
before we took off.
All right, I got a bunch too.
Secrets of the natives
revealed.
Discover the ancient
erotic healing
of the Thanagarian
shamans, shamans.
In the comfort of your
own home or office.
Embark on a sensual spirit quest
with the organic and holistic
Thanagarian pleasure pod.
Quantities are limited
and going fast.
Such is the glory of the pod.
Order now.
Whoa, ho, let's do that again!
There is a light that shines
in the distant cosmos.
Many points of energy sharing
a common mind and purpose,
but each possessing
our own free will.
We are the Alterian Collective,
ascended beyond
physical limitations.
We know not hunger, nor strife.
We are harvesters of data,
shepherds of knowledge.
We want your lives
and hear your stories.
Our favorites are the sexy ones.
Expedition log 2120.
My research team has
followed me to the ends
of the charted galaxy on
a quest to kill a god.
Today, our vessel, The
DeJorge, touches down
on the fourth moon of Thanagar.
Just easing her in now.
Maybe wanna grab onto something.
We've arrived at
the Temple of the All Mother,
where this whole
cosmic course began.
And here it will end.
Oh, ooh.
Professor
Dara'Tel Quenthosz, end log.
Air is breathable,
with gravity at .9951.
No reading on noxious
gases or bacteria.
Excellent, Pim.
We'll touch ground in five.
Give the receiver a chance to
pick up any stray particles
that might be
floating around here.
Looks like the high
country back home.
Looks can be deceiving, Pim.
This is the boondocks
of the galaxy,
and no one's been out
here for millennia.
Keep an eye on those readouts.
I'm not interrupting
anything, am I?
Ready for class, Professor.
It's more of a
field trip, Marion.
I was not aware that there
was a weapon aboard this ship.
Well, Daddy told
me to come prepared.
You know Daddy.
I see.
Pack a full medi kit.
We'll be tackling a thick bush.
Yeah, sure thing.
We touch ground
in five, you two.
I think it's nice.
Perimeter is secure, with
a beacon at every click.
Yeah, and we're
working the lower levels,
but they appear to open
to a crude tunnel system.
Goddess knows how far those run.
Professor?
Yes. Only the
Goddess knows for now.
Secure them as best
as you can for now.
We'll explore them later.
Now leave me.
Leave me!
Sure thing, Professor.
I have traveled to the far
reaches of the charted galaxy,
and drained all of my project's
funding chasing a legend.
What do I find?
Could there be just a bit
of magic in the universe?
Hello there.
What are you, little one?
Are you a
semi-intelligent fungus?
Are you a little highly
evolved bacteria?
I think you are.
That was interesting.
Should we try that again?
Oh.
Yes, I would want it.
Oh.
Come to me, Professor.
Yes, yes.
You're really
working that human form, Maxy.
I don't know.
I'm honored that they
chose me for the squadron,
but humans are so
much maintenance.
The teeth alone.
And don't get me
started on the holes.
These humans have at
least a dozen of them,
each with a different function.
Yet, here you are.
I don't know. I'm
still getting used to it.
It's a huge adjustment.
Did you hear
about the type five pulse event
that just happened
in Gamma Sector?
Gamma Sector? There's
nobody out there.
A type five, for real?
That's what's
coming through the data feed.
Yeah, I can feel it.
Oh well.
There's no way they would
give us type five anyway.
Not with that attitude.
That assignment will
go to a senior collector.
We won't get so
much as a type two
Jillaxian Diddler
on our first run.
Cosmic perv alert.
This looks like a job for
Collector 4878 Maxy Prime
and her intrepid auxiliary
and the real brains of
the outfit, Gab-E Jinx.
You're sticking
with that form?
I'm still working it out.
But, it is pleasing,
utilitarian,
and it only has
three holes, I think.
Collector 4878,
Auxiliary 8127,
report to council chambers
immediately for assignment.
Can you guess why we
summoned you here?
I heard about the type
five, but it can't be that.
It is indeed.
What? No, there
must be some mistake.
The Alterian High Council
is an ageless cosmic tribunal.
We have seen the birth and
death of entire star systems
while evolving into
points of pure energy.
We do not make mistakes.
You would know that if
you weren't so newly formed.
Right.
So why are you sending me to
investigate a godlike energy
pulse in the far
reaches of the galaxy?
We have the utmost faith
in you, Collector 4878.
I'm here too.
And the orgy wars of
Crimulan Seven have depleted
our reserves of collectives
for the time being.
Yeah, I've noticed it was
a little quiet around here.
So we are relying
on you to investigate
the situation and
gather intelligence,
remembering always
the Alterian credo.
Touch not, lest ye be touched.
Correct, Collector 4878.
I see our faith in
you was not ill-founded.
Three cheers then
for the collector,
and this other one.
Were we just dismissed?
I don't know. These
guys give me the creeps.
Let's just go.
Ah.
Come on.
Hey, Maxy, have you
ever been out this far?
No.
They say only outlaws
and long-haul freighters
ever pass through here.
Do you think we'll find
something of interest?
Nothing too sexy, or they
never would have sent us.
Coming in range now.
Boosting in two, one.
Hey, Maxy, do you think
things'll get physical down here?
I'd say that's a
distinct possibility, yes.
I mean, that kinda physical.
I'd say that's a
distinct possibility, yes.
I thought so.
Is that okay? It's
what we trained for.
Yeah, I'm just excited is all.
I know what you mean.
Boosting in two, one.
And, a little nervous.
Well, there's a first time
for everyone, even an Alterian.
Are you ready to boost now?
Yes.
In two, one.
What if I don't like it?
Or, what if I like it too much?
I think the important
thing is to remember
your training, Gab-E.
You were put on this
mission for a reason.
The High Council
has faith in you,
but you need to have
faith in yourself as well.
You're right, Maxy. I'm
gonna be the best at sex.
That's the spirit, Gab-E.
Boosting in two, one.
I'm gonna have all the sex.
Professor?
Professor?
Um.
Professor, it's past 11.
Don't you think we should
be starting our day?
Did you sleep here last night?
Yes, Marion, thank you.
I was overtaken by the rich
Thanagarian culture of the place
and wanted to
immerse myself in it.
An opportunity we should
all take while we're here.
Of course, Professor.
But, don't you
think you should um?
Yes, Marion, thank you.
Are Jeetz and Pim awake as well?
No.
They slept in.
Together.
Well, fetch them and
clear out the commissary.
We'll be here for breakfast
in no more than 15 paraclicks.
I'm famished.
Marion, this is a new world.
And we are pioneers.
Pioneers don't stand
blubbering in the hall.
Pioneers clear out the
commissary and serve breakfast
for the new gods every damn day.
Now go, Marion.
Run!
Run!
What a glorious plurality.
Would you look at this relic?
This is someone else's
property, and we're trespassing.
No, it belongs in a museum.
Look, the controls
are touch activated,
and it runs on ion
hyper clusters.
Primitive.
Right? A classic.
Do you wanna activate
the fusion chambers?
All you do is flip a couple
switches and pull this lever.
No, stop. Don't touch that.
Let's take it for a spin.
No, stop stop stop. This
is not why we're here.
Mm.
You know, we're not really
doing the best on rations.
I wanted to install a
stasis garden this morning.
But, we didn't
quite get to that.
Well, we were all worn
out from the journey.
I think we really needed
the extra time in bed.
We were in cryo
sleep for two months.
We had a busy
night last night.
In fact, we got real busy.
I feel drained, and
I know Jeetz is.
How could you, Jeetz?
I thought we were life mates.
We are. I don't even
know what happened.
I hate you, Jeetz Axelrod!
That's a real pathetic
way of bonding, guys.
I don't think any
of this is funny.
Oh, get over it, Jeetz.
Is she even qualified
to be on this expedition?
Well, her parents are
significant contributors
to the sanctorum.
I'm sure you've visited the
Alvudo Deep Space Observatory.
Ah, gotcha.
Still, though, doesn't
she seem a little unhinged
to be toting around a blaster?
Well, seems like
a big deal to her,
and I don't foresee any
negative consequence.
Now that we've all
regained our strength,
we will begin moving our
things into the temple.
We will make this our home
for the duration of the
expedition.
Jeetz?
Is that you?
If you think I'm
packing up your shit
for the temple, you're
clearly mistaken.
That shuttle has left the dock!
Jeetz?
Who the hell are you?
I'm Gab-E Jinx.
Pleased to meet you.
Ooh, you're cute.
I'll blast you.
Please, we mean you no harm.
We're pilgrims to the temple,
and we've lost our clothes.
Can you help us?
Have you fools installed
the comm systems yet?
Yeah, Pim is on it now.
And I have noticed
your language become
gradually more abusive
throughout the day.
Have you?
That surprises me.
And I don't think the
Scholastica Infinitum
would like the idea
of us using our comms
to barter for food.
Priorities must shift
as necessity dictates.
If our rate of consumption
continues in this manner,
the stasis gardens won't do.
I just wish we were involved
in some of these decisions.
Yeah, when are
we gonna get a turn
with the pleasure beast?
You barely let us
touch it all day.
Is it my fault
the beast favors me?
Perhaps it senses my
superior intellect.
Blow it out your ass.
Breaker, breaker, you've got
Blue Hugh Mongous on the side.
Ooh, we got a live one.
What are you hauling, Blue?
On my way to Therax Beta,
with a full tanker of
soylent paste, come on.
That'll work just fine, Bluey.
Sorry,
what'll work? Come on.
If that husky voice is any
indication of the caliber
of stud I'm dealing with,
you might just scratch me
right where I itch.
How's that grab you?
Dang, Miss, that's
a real tempting offer,
but I got a schedule to keep.
Why do they call
you Hugh Mongous?
Now that's
a personal question.
Maybe someday, if I
get to know you better.
You need to bring
that sexy ass of yours
to the fourth moon of
Thanagar, for some downtime.
Some all the way downtime,
if you catch my
meaning, big boy.
Oh, ho ho, I don't know.
You seen nice and all, but...
You got optics on that thing?
Yeah, top
of the line, come on.
All right.
You like what you see, Blue?
Yeah, sure do.
Ooh, baby, you got more twists
than a Cenerian cyclone.
Well then, why don't
you park that big tanker
of protein slurry
and come on over?
Oh yeah.
Yay!
What are we all celebrating?
Your teammates were able
to active the comm system
and arrange for provisions
to be delivered.
Well, that's good to hear,
especially with how much
you've all been eating.
Well hard work builds
an appetite, Marion.
Now, who have you
brought into my temple?
Your temple, Professor?
My temple, my dig
site, you get the idea.
Meet my friends,
Maxy and Gab-E.
They are on a pilgrimage.
Bitchin' top.
I got one just like it.
Right.
They didn't have any clothes,
so they had to borrow ours.
What? That's my
daxin reverb top?
Sorry, Pim.
But, hey, I figured
we're trying to get
to know the
indigenous population.
After all, we thought this
moon was abandoned, right?
I mean, when I found them,
they were naked and shameless.
Yes, very interesting.
Please see to it that
they are well tended.
Now if you'll excuse me, I
will retire to my quarters.
Guys, these are my
classmates, Jeetz and Pim.
We are on a research
grant from our university
to study your goddess
and how great she is.
Or isn't.
Marion, can I talk to
you alone for a minute?
Anything you've
got to say to me,
you can say in front
of my friends here.
Really?
Anything I could possibly
have to say to my life mate
I can say in front of
these two strangers
you met 15 paraclicks ago?
Sure, why not?
Okay, well,
when I was making love to Pim,
I didn't think of you once.
I feel terrible about
that, but it's the truth.
Oh God, it was like
fucking a five-alarm fire.
I was really in the moment,
like I haven't been
in ages with you.
How could you say that in
front of all these people?
Because I want to
understand, Marion.
I want to know why.
I love you, Marion!
So are you like the
mongrel stud around here?
We came in search of a strong
presence of a sexual nature.
But you're not it.
Hey, I do all right.
I'm sure you do, and
I would have you soon,
but you are not the
presence we seek.
It is nearby, though.
You know something.
You've seen it.
Listen, Maxy, is it?
You wanna see something?
I would like that, yes.
You come with me.
I'll show you something.
And don't worry about her.
My buddy Jeetz is gonna
show her something too.
Something she won't soon forget.
Are you gonna be okay?
Yeah, I think I gotta
do something a little
different to get his attention.
So, Pim just
talks big, you know.
I don't want you to get
the wrong idea about me.
Marion is actually my...
My li...
My friend and I
are here to collect
erotic intel and experiences.
I understand that not
all species may share
in erotic experiences freely.
If your bond with Marion
prevents you from sharing with me
in an erotic manner, please
accept this handshake
as a token of my regard.
That was a direct quote
from the Alterian Code
of Interspecies
Fornication, Article Three.
Are you okay?
This was a sacred place
to the ancient Thanagarians.
Yes, I can see that.
I was hoping, maybe,
you could help us
decipher some of this.
You are from this
system, aren't you?
In a way, yes.
Is it your religion?
Does it vibe with what you
know about the All Mother?
You guys can bunk here tonight.
It's not long on
comfort, or charm.
The shaman wasn't
much of an artist.
Arms are kinda noodly.
And I can't tell if she's
hugging them or strangling them.
Tentacles everywhere.
Very erotic.
You really seem to
be into that. Yeah.
Very enlightening.
Yes, I figured they were
significant in your religion.
Of course.
Give you any ideas?
Very stimulating.
Good, because there's more.
Hey, Gorgeous.
Why so glum?
You know why I'm glum.
Jeetz and Pim are
having an affair,
and they're not, not even
bothering to hide it.
Ah.
Those two lovebirds can't keep
their hands off each other.
Can you do something about it?
You're the professor.
Isn't it against the
rules or something?
There's no rules
that I know of.
I can't impinge on
their rights, Marion.
It's not my place.
In fact, I find
it very arousing.
Oh.
Everyone here is
a sex maniac but me.
Well, he is the only
man on the expedition.
It was bound to
happen eventually.
Did,
did you ever?
No.
I mean, I considered it,
just for a change of pace.
Jeetz is especially ragged
and unkempt, even for a man.
I prefer my playthings pretty
and sweet smelling.
Oh.
Oh, I don't know.
I've never, I've never
done that before.
Well, you may as
well get used to it.
I think Pim will have
your man's attention
for quite some time.
And your new friends, they
look curious and hungry.
They may want a turn
with him as well.
I suppose I brought
that on myself.
Yes, but we can
have our own fun.
I
guess.
If it's all I've
got for a while.
That's it, Marion.
As they say in the tungsten
mines of Arcar Genesi,
love the one you're with.
This does not bode well.
These images harken the
return of the All Mother,
the world devourer.
Primitive superstition,
merely an ancient
excuse for an orgy party.
The Thanagarian sex
eater will reawaken,
just as the prophecies foretold.
And she will usher in oblivion,
the beast which can't be fed.
We must proceed with caution,
lest we endanger our
operatives and bring about
the end of the
galaxy as we know it.
But you must admit, Council,
the tentacles are
universally appealing.
The Goddess is not
without her charms,
but the temple is no place
for fledgling collectors.
We will pull
them from the field
until we have studied
the matter further.
And we'll pray on
all things erotic
that we are not too late.
I don't dare consider
what tortures our agents
have already been subjected to.
I've never met a
Thanagarian before.
Are you all mega hotties?
Of course.
Oh, this sure has been
a strange expedition.
That's for sure.
Maybe this cavern isn't
as secure as we thought.
Let's retire to the surface.
Good idea.
I want you to join
me in the Throne Room,
and I want you to wear this.
That's nice.
Do you think it's
appropriate for fieldwork?
You want to impress
him, don't you?
Clean yourself up
and put this on.
Join me at the throne
in 20 paraclicks.
We saw some very
interesting things
down there, Gab-E,
very enlightening.
Do tell.
That was sure nice of them
to put us up for the evening.
Yes, we should thank them
properly in the morning.
With sexual favors?
Of course.
I slept with a man today.
Yes, Earth slang for
sexual intercourse.
I prefer porking.
No, I mean I actually
slept with him.
I had dreams and everything.
They were really
strange and super kinky.
Alterians don't sleep,
and we have no subconscious
in which to dream.
Although I believe I
understand the concept.
I think all that
sex took it outta me.
I'm bushed.
We're beings of pure energy.
Sex can't take
anything out of you.
That's not how this works.
Well how do you know?
Have you ever had it?
Yes, just now with
the one they call Pim.
Ah.
I guess that counts.
How does it not?
Well, you're a
female, she's a female.
And she pleased me and I her.
As they say in the Calomber
Casino, dealer's choice.
Please, students.
A bit of decorum.
We have an honored
guest joining us.
I see the pod has been
well fed in my absence.
Yes, Professor. She especially
enjoys her new guests.
I don't know if
it's appropriate
you call me Professor anymore.
I feel my duties have shifted,
and with them, so
should my title.
We are rebuilding an
empire, after all.
Therefore,
Empress Dara'Tel
seems only fitting.
Yes, she likes that.
Kneel, my subjects.
Kneel before your empress!
Yes.
Here she is now.
Doesn't Marion have to kneel?
No, fool.
This is my princess.
From now on, you
will kneel to her.
None of this is necessary.
Really.
Come forth, Princess Marion.
Take your place at my side.
Marion, look at you. You
never looked so hot before.
Shut up, Jeetz.
You've had your chance.
We really should talk, baby.
All I can think about
is doing you again.
Silence!
Both of you, avert your eyes.
She is royalty now,
and you are nothing.
The pod commands it.
What's the pod?
You will know soon
enough, my dear.
Come closer.
You'll see for yourself.
I don't know about this.
You've all been acting
strange since we got here.
I mean, the professor's
on a power trip,
and you two are treating
this expedition like
some sort of, sexpedition.
It's freaking me all out!
Should we brace her, Empress?
No.
Let her go.
But I like that you are
taking this well, Pim.
Very good.
Empress Dara'Tel
seems only fitting.
Kneel before your
empress! You are nothing.
Avert your eyes.
The pod commands it.
Whoa, this Empress
Dara'Tel's off her nut.
Are you getting this? Gab-E?
Yes, the crazy ones
make the best lovers.
I'll pursue her first
thing in the morning.
Be that as it may, there
seems to be more afoot here
than our little
sexual side wager.
Maxy, Gab-E, can I come in?
It's me, Marion.
Hey, Marion.
You guys are here.
Hey, Marion.
Everyone in this place
is so weird, except for me.
How do you mean?
Well, you two
are okay, I guess.
A little dim is all.
You're okay by me too, Marion.
But my research crew,
ever since we got here,
they've been acting
stranger by the metaclick.
Must be this place.
It's getting to them somehow.
I think you may
be onto something.
There's a cavern beneath this
temple that I must show you.
You mean the
subterranean genesis pools?
Aren't they beautiful?
Yes, but there's
something developing there
that we should
investigate further.
Bikini time!
Come on, guys.
Bikini time?
I need this.
The pod tires of you.
Fetch me my princess.
Uh, we got company, Empress.
I think it's that
soylent paste freighter.
Yes, the slurry to feed
our little worker bees
and keep the hive going.
Is he close?
Landing now, Empress.
Pim, prepare
for our new guest.
Let's give him what he came for.
Yes, Empress.
Gab-E, are you sure that
bikinis are the best garb
for a subterfuge like this one?
Yes, Maxy, it's
the perfect cover.
Just a few sassy ladies
out for a midnight swim.
Let's go.
The vines are progressing.
The cavern is cracking
apart. I can hear it.
Come over here. I'll
show you something.
Guys, I don't think it's safe.
Oh, Marion, you
bleat like cattle.
No wonder your lover
has abandoned you.
That was a little
harsh, wasn't it, Maxy?
No, she's right.
If I'm gonna be any
good for this team,
I've gotta get it together.
Okay then.
Look there, under the water.
It's these pods that have been
dropping from the ceiling.
There must be a dozen of them.
Wow, I see. Let's
take a closer look.
Sounds good, guys.
I'll just be up here
keeping a lookout.
Thank you,
Marion. You do that.
You are really going
to enjoy our grotto.
Just up ahead.
Miss, you are very lovely,
but I got a freight of slurry
out there that aint
getting any fresher.
So, if we could, as they say
in the Grail Star Cluster,
get down to the get down,
I'll be on my merry way.
Don't you want a grand
tour of our facilities?
Lady, I got eight penises
that need satisfaction.
This is gonna take
long enough as it is.
So I suggest we get
down to brass tacks.
Pim, do we have a new guest?
You got the king of the cosmic
convoy, Blue Hugh Mongous.
How enchanting.
Captain of my tub.
I'm Dara'Tel.
Ooh, ah.
Pleasure.
Yeah.
I would like to welcome you
to our newest attraction here
at the Thanagarian bordello.
Now.
You just sit down, get
comfortable and enjoy the show.
Ooh, ah.
We got pods.
Quiet.
Dara'Tel and Pim
are over with some
freighter pilot they lured here.
I got one for you too,
Marion, so we can each have one.
Thank you, Gab-E.
Please.
Be quiet.
Marion, these friends of
yours are very interesting.
Okay, I have no idea
where this is going now.
I'd venture a guess that
it's going somewhere sensual.
What are you guys?
All will be explained in time.
Ooh, how lucky are we today?
Our body heat has
attracted some native one.
Oh, hey now, what are these
squishy little critters?
Impudent cur!
How dare you kick
the seeds of a god?
What she means to say is,
this is a protected species.
Is that a fact?
This is a Thanagarian
pleasure pod.
Just give it a little tickle,
and it'll give
you all the feels.
I don't want no funny stuff.
Just girls, and lots of them.
What do I look like,
some kinda freak?
Just tickle the damn
pleasure pods, you ugly squid.
All right, okay. You don't
need to get ornery now.
Doesn't it feel good?
Not bad. Not so bad at all.
Would you like to try another?
Ooh.
Maybe just one more.
Woo, woo, oh, woo.
Another.
Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa whoa.
Whoa.
Blue Hugh Mongous?
You finally found me
after all these miles.
Blue Hugh Mongous,
do you like my babies,
Blue Hugh Mongous?
Oh, too many for old Blue.
Whoa, ho.
Whoa, come on, come on down!
See, Pim, that's why I
don't fool around with males.
No stamina.
Oh.
Should we do something
about our friend here?
Oh, whatever. He
was a dick anyways.
Are we still talking about him?
Oh shit, I love these pods.
Did you see that?
I think they just
killed that guy.
Maxy, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
We share a hive mind.
So yes.
Hey, cutie.
Are you trying to cheer me up?
Who's the precious little pod?
All right, the coast is clear,
so let's just walk in business.
I'll see you in our room.
Oh God. Why can't I bounce?
My darling Pim,
if I didn't know any better,
I'd say you were sweet on
our large blue friend here.
Eh, I've done worse.
Hello.
Hello.
Oh.
If I can't bounce,
what can I do?
Marion, the professor,
Empress, has been
looking for you.
Professor Empress knows
where to find me, doesn't she?
No, I think that
was the issue.
Well, I'm right here.
I see that.
And?
What about you?
Did you still wanna
have that little chat?
Do I ever.
Well then why don't
you come over here
and tell me what
you've gotta say?
Is someone there?
Auxiliary 8127,
do you read me?
It is I, Alterian High
Council the First.
Do I know you?
Not in this form, but we have
met in the council chambers.
The High Council was
concerned that you and Maxy
were in over your heads,
and I'm here to help.
Okay, what's your designation?
You know, in all the commotion,
we failed to assign one.
I haven't been in
the field in so long.
Hey, since you're a
member of the High Council,
we can call you Hi-Co.
Hi-Co.
I like it.
These visitors, where
do they come from?
I figured they were locals.
I couldn't imagine either
of those two dipshits
piloting a star cruiser.
Nah.
I'm not buying that
local yokel story
for a new court paraclick.
No, there's more to these
interlopers than meets the eye.
These are ancient
beings of great power.
You can tell just
by looking at them?
I know this, because
the pod knows this.
The pod craves their power,
but has used them as well.
We must tread lightly with
these strange visitors.
It's just as we suspected.
You're dealing with
a godly power here,
and your cover is blown.
Is there somewhere
safe we can boost?
I can't boost.
I don't, I don't know
what's wrong with me.
I feel it too.
Something in this temple
is draining our powers.
Here, come close to me.
Ooh, so warm and tingly.
Gab-E, where were you?
And who the hell is this?
Alterian High Council the
First, field designation Hi-Co.
I couldn't boost. Hi-Co
saved me with her power hug.
I must confess, it would
have worked with a mere touch
of the hand, but I
find your form pleasing
and I took advantage
of the situation.
For that, I apologize.
That's okay, Hi-Co. I
find your form pleasing too.
Maybe later we can get to
know each other better.
I'd like that, Gab-E.
Yeah, well, as they say
in the Motel Stars area,
get a room, you two.
But get it somewhere else.
We're leaving tonight.
No, we have to stay and
fix the damage we've done.
It's funny a High
Council member would forget
the Alterian Code
of Noninterference.
Yes, Collector
Maxy, but you may have noticed
strange activity here recently.
Yeah, you could
say that again.
Well these events
have been accelerated
by your presence here.
We are in the lair
of an ancient beast
that has been feeding off
people since we've arrived.
I think I would have
noticed if an ancient beast
was feeding off of me.
Have you tried using
your powers lately?
The council has been
unable to reach you.
Can you connect to them?
I can't.
I can't see anything
past the temple.
I can even feel my vast
energy slowly dwindle
as the beast grows in power.
What took hundreds of
years in empire building
is done in a matter
of days with you two
Alterian energy
cows loafing around.
Hey.
The energy cow is worshiped
as a god in some faiths.
I'll take it as a compliment.
We have to fix
the mess we've made.
Can't we just boost
back to domicile
and let Marion and
the gang sort it out?
They seem like a capable bunch.
The Thanagarian pod
beast is a world devourer,
a planet ender.
It won't stop at Thanagar.
It will continue across the
galaxy just as it did before
and they'll be nothing left.
We won't be leaving this
to Marion and the gang.
We'll destroy this
monster, and we'll return
to Alteria for a hero's welcome.
How do you suppose we do that?
We give the bitch
what she wants.
Our last union.
Am I supposed to be here?
We seek an audience
with the empress.
Wait, there is
three of you now?
This is Hi-Co. She's new.
Hi-Co pleases the pod.
Do I?
I don't really know. The
pod doesn't talk to me much.
You guys really went to
town on that protein slurry.
It's hungry work,
building an empire.
This is what you
call an empire?
It looks like an outer
colony poo hatch den.
This place is
straight outer colony.
Hey.
We're getting
stronger every day.
You'll see.
Someone is here.
Beast of great and
delicious power.
We seek an audience
with Her Majesty,
Dara'Tel, the
Empress of Thanagar.
First child of the All Mother,
herald to the world eater
and voice of the pod.
I'm listening.
Maxy, is it?
Alterian Collective Unit 4878.
Field designation Maxy Prime.
Alterian Collective, you say?
All of you?
You masquerade as
common pilgrims.
You think the pod couldn't
sniff out your powers,
but we knew you were special
before you even
entered this temple.
Such is the glory of the pod.
We Alterians worship
great power above all else,
especially that of an
erotic and carnal nature.
We sensed the pod's
lusty energies from afar,
and we are here
seeking union with her.
The Goddess seeks no union.
She only wishes to consume.
And so we shall live on
in the belly of the Goddess.
We are beings of pure energy.
As you know, energy
cannot be destroyed.
It merely changes form.
It is our place
in the cosmic dance.
We are not
bound by flesh as you are,
Dara'Tel of the Scholastica
Infitum Sanctorum.
The sanctorum is
far behind me now.
Here,
I am an empress.
Then grant we fulfill
our destiny, Empress.
A union between the pod
and the Alterian Collective
could be just the thing to
spread her glorious spore
across the expanse
of time and space.
The Goddess does not need
your union to spread her spore.
But still,
you intrigue the pod.
You will be first.
With honor, Empress.
Uh-uh, uh-uh, hold on.
Slowly.
The pod enjoys a show.
Empress, are we thinking
enough is enough here?
No, we will just feel
the energy flowing.
The power coursing
through the tentacles.
Yeah, I feel it.
It's gonna bring this
whole temple down.
Pim, this temple has
stood for an eternity,
and it's gonna stand
for an eternity longer.
Okay.
I'm just gonna run some
trash out to the pile.
Never mind them, my love.
Join me.
As we usher in
a new age.
My Goddess, no!
The pod is dying. We must
leave this place at once.
Can you boost? I
can't even change form.
Ditto.
It was all the
energy I could muster
to overload the beast.
I'm as drained as you are.
There's a twin-ion
deep star cruiser
parked just outside the temple.
If we can make that, I can
get us into the jump ship.
Then it's home free.
Sounds like a
plan. Let's move.
Marion,
what's gotten into you?
You did this.
You ruined everything.
It was so beautiful until
you Alterians came along.
Your god is dead, Marion,
and will soon be buried.
Will you stay here
with your empress,
presiding over a pile of rubble?
Or will you come with us?
I don't know.
It's all just so confusing.
Okay, let's grab her and
get the hell outta here.
The sun rises
again on Thanagar.
Maybe we'll get another
8,000 years of peace.
I wouldn't bet on it, Gab-E.
Well, it was still a
good mission overall.
We awakened an
ancient, godlike evil
and set it loose
in the universe.
How is that a good mission?
We didn't awaken the
pod. We exposed it.
We saved the princess, and
we got it all cleared up.
No harm done.
We destroyed an
ancient temple.
Well sure, but
nobody got hurt.
Well, Dara did.
Also, I punched Marion.
And what about that
Jillaxian freighter captain?
Oh.
I forgot about him.
Hey, let's leave that
out of the report, cool?
Cool as the ice moon
on Party Planet Seven.
Ch.
I found a couple stowaways.
Dammit, I'm so easy to
sneak up on without my powers.
I don't see anything
coming anymore.
What do you say, Captain, to
the jettison hatch with them?
Yeah, whatever,
those guys are jerks.
Wait, Maxy, you
still gotta make it
with a male of the species.
Oh yeah.
I was planning on
giving that one the sex.
Well, you can't jettison
me quite yet then, can you?
I suppose not.
And we had our fun, the
two of us. Didn't we, Maxy?
You don't wanna toss
old Pim into space.
We might harvest
data from this one yet.
Oh, Gab-E, someone
has to man the ship.
You're gonna have
to sit this one out.
I never get to have any fun.
Well, since none of
our powers have returned,
we have to do this
the old-fashioned way.
Yes, it's interesting
that none of my life energy
has returned in any
significant way.
Those Alterians sure were
some hot pieces of cosmic ass.
Yeah.
Hey, why do you think
they haven't gotten
their powers back yet?
Probably all the pleasure
pods I smuggled aboard
before we took off.
All right, I got a bunch too.
Secrets of the natives
revealed.
Discover the ancient
erotic healing
of the Thanagarian
shamans, shamans.
In the comfort of your
own home or office.
Embark on a sensual spirit quest
with the organic and holistic
Thanagarian pleasure pod.
Quantities are limited
and going fast.
Such is the glory of the pod.
Order now.
Whoa, ho, let's do that again!