Final Offer (2018) Movie Script
1
Henry?
Hi
- What happened?
- Can I get you something to drink?
Some water would be nice.
Sure.
Have a seat.
Olivia, right? Yeah yeah we met at
the, uh, at a bar last night.
Henry I just want to say congratulations.
You have been selected for a
very exciting business opportunity.
Okay, uh, no offense sorry
I fell asleep on your floor
but I'm just gonna...
I'm not really interested in
whatever, that is, so...
Hey where is the uh...
- Henry
- Hmm
Why don't you come here.
Henry you've been selected to represent
your species in what is almost certainly
the biggest trade agreement in the
history of your planet.
My planet?
Gotta show you something real quick
Sorry, I'm gonna
- Sorry
- Don't be
Disgust is a very very common reaction
I try not to take it personally.
Oh that's you?
We find on contact
that species are more
comfortable negotiating
with a representative that
looks and speaks just like them.
So. My client is looking
to make an acquisition.
A very big one and we would love it if
you helped broker the deal.
And what are your clients
looking to acquire?
Your oceans.
- Oceans?
- Yeah.
Our oceans are not for sale.
- I'm confident we'll get to a YES on this
- Why is that?
- Well I do hate this part but
under the terms of the treaty governing
this region
we're first bound to conduct a good
faith negotiation with a qualified
representative of the affected species
So I'm the qualified...
and this is the good faith negotiation?
Exactly. Thing is if talks
break down in the treaty we
do have the right to begin
expropriation proceedings.
Ex-pro... What is that?
- You're just gonna take it?
- Between us you're much better
off just making a deal.
- With my client.
- This isn't a negotiation
at all this is this is extortion.
In the long run we feel everyone benefits
from an open and a fair trade policy.
- We don't benefit. We don't benefit.
We're gonna die.
- Also we have five minutes left.
- What?
That'll cover the remaining time allotted
in the treaty for the good-faith negotiation.
No, what? This? No!
What do you mean? The whole thing?
Every species experience is the flow of
time differently, so when we drew up the
treaty, everyone agreed this was
like a pretty reasonable amount.
I can't do this.
- Why don't we talk terms?
- No, no!
- I understand your species.
- No no, listen. I do traffic tickets.
You should be talking to the head
of the UN or some big corporate...
I'm not the greatest lawyer in the world.
Why would you pick me?
We'd love to take possession immediately
My clients aren't currently local
to this system, but we do have
a small wormhole we can just...
- Oh, Jesus.
- ...send the assets right through
and we're happy to dispose
- of any sea life that we find...
- I get it.
...Or return it. Up to you.
You didn't pick me because I'm a good
lawyer, you just had to pick someone.
I bet your little treaty there
doesn't say who you have to pick exactly
just as long as they're qualified.
There were a lot of variables that
went into this lots of moving parts.
You stacked the deck.
It's only good business to take
advantage where we can.
You know, on your bad days you think
'I'm the worst, I'm the worst at my job'
In the back of your head you're like
'that can't be true like statistically
speaking that can't actually be true.
There has to be somebody worse out there.'
Henry.
Can I offer you a drink?
With alcohol.
You like rum and coke, don't you?
- Cuba Libre?
It's like the same thing
only with lime in it.
Here you go.
Thanks.
So, we understand that your personal
survivability post-acquisition is a
sticking point and I shouldn't
be doing this but,
- I'm gonna offer you something very special.
- Yeah?
We have a couple very lovely
extra planetary habitats
that are floating around
that we're just not using.
What's that? Extra planetary..
Is that like a Space Station?
Yeah and they could
easily be retrofitted for
your species needs and frankly desires.
We could give you one the size of a small city.
You could bring a couple
thousand people with you.
And I wouldn't... Would I have
to tell them what happened?
You could tell them whatever you want.
So I could tell them I saved them.
That I swooped in last minute.
You would be a hero.
Henry, let's do this.
I'm excited for you
Don't you want to win for once?
I win sometimes.
Well, most of the time it's when the
cop doesn't bother to show up.
Well we only have
a few minutes left.
Wouldn't be in business if
it wasn't for the no-shows.
A win's a win.
Is it?
We actually have a lot of paperwork
to get through before we can...
I'm just gonna take a
look at this real quick.
Yeah, here we go. Statute concerning
the appropriation of assets.
This deal expires in 60 seconds!
- The expropriating party will have the
The expropriating party
will have the right to
commence a formal hearing
in the jurisdiction of
the opposing party... in the jurisdiction
of the opposing party that's...
So, that means that your clients
actually have to appear here today
to begin the negotiations.
- Well that's a minor detail.
- And you said they were not local to this
- system is that correct?
- Yes
And so if I agreed you would just
use your wormhole dealies,
and you would suck
up all the oceans and
that would be that.
- By the end of the day yes.
- Earlier you said that every alien species
experiences the flow of time differently.
So approximately how long would it take
for your clients to present
themselves here?
As you experience it?
Yeah
- Three million years.
- Mm-hmm they're gonna no-show.
- You know what, I'm just gonna
wait until they show up.
What was that?
I'm sorry, that was really
unprofessional of me.
So does that... Are you um...
what's happening?
Congratulations on a
successful negotiation.
I won?
Is that what you're saying? I won?
I won, really? Yeah
You're not gonna kill me now, are you?
No.
I'll send you back to the
bar where we found you.
Have another drink, you deserve it.
You're just not used to
losing, yeah, that's all.
Well, this was supposed to be an easy one.
It was all set up.
Oh.
You know I used to be
the best in the business.
This job is so lonely.
Nobody sees my true form without being
utterly repulsed. It's humiliating.
I wasn't repulsed.
It was just scary.
Well, you haven't had a win in so long.
Why do you think I'm on water duty?
Trust me there are better gigs out there.
Believe me, I've been there.
Look, I know you almost just
destroyed all life on my planet but,
If you ever want to talk, give me a call.
As long as you promise not
to try to kill us all again.
You know I did make one mistake
You're not the worst lawyer
in the world.
You know if you're ever
tired of traffic tickets,
Our firm is looking for a representative
in this solar system.
Oh?
Here.
You can fax me. They work quite
well over cosmic distances.
And Henry?
If it's okay with you...
I might just take you up on that talk.
Henry?
Hi
- What happened?
- Can I get you something to drink?
Some water would be nice.
Sure.
Have a seat.
Olivia, right? Yeah yeah we met at
the, uh, at a bar last night.
Henry I just want to say congratulations.
You have been selected for a
very exciting business opportunity.
Okay, uh, no offense sorry
I fell asleep on your floor
but I'm just gonna...
I'm not really interested in
whatever, that is, so...
Hey where is the uh...
- Henry
- Hmm
Why don't you come here.
Henry you've been selected to represent
your species in what is almost certainly
the biggest trade agreement in the
history of your planet.
My planet?
Gotta show you something real quick
Sorry, I'm gonna
- Sorry
- Don't be
Disgust is a very very common reaction
I try not to take it personally.
Oh that's you?
We find on contact
that species are more
comfortable negotiating
with a representative that
looks and speaks just like them.
So. My client is looking
to make an acquisition.
A very big one and we would love it if
you helped broker the deal.
And what are your clients
looking to acquire?
Your oceans.
- Oceans?
- Yeah.
Our oceans are not for sale.
- I'm confident we'll get to a YES on this
- Why is that?
- Well I do hate this part but
under the terms of the treaty governing
this region
we're first bound to conduct a good
faith negotiation with a qualified
representative of the affected species
So I'm the qualified...
and this is the good faith negotiation?
Exactly. Thing is if talks
break down in the treaty we
do have the right to begin
expropriation proceedings.
Ex-pro... What is that?
- You're just gonna take it?
- Between us you're much better
off just making a deal.
- With my client.
- This isn't a negotiation
at all this is this is extortion.
In the long run we feel everyone benefits
from an open and a fair trade policy.
- We don't benefit. We don't benefit.
We're gonna die.
- Also we have five minutes left.
- What?
That'll cover the remaining time allotted
in the treaty for the good-faith negotiation.
No, what? This? No!
What do you mean? The whole thing?
Every species experience is the flow of
time differently, so when we drew up the
treaty, everyone agreed this was
like a pretty reasonable amount.
I can't do this.
- Why don't we talk terms?
- No, no!
- I understand your species.
- No no, listen. I do traffic tickets.
You should be talking to the head
of the UN or some big corporate...
I'm not the greatest lawyer in the world.
Why would you pick me?
We'd love to take possession immediately
My clients aren't currently local
to this system, but we do have
a small wormhole we can just...
- Oh, Jesus.
- ...send the assets right through
and we're happy to dispose
- of any sea life that we find...
- I get it.
...Or return it. Up to you.
You didn't pick me because I'm a good
lawyer, you just had to pick someone.
I bet your little treaty there
doesn't say who you have to pick exactly
just as long as they're qualified.
There were a lot of variables that
went into this lots of moving parts.
You stacked the deck.
It's only good business to take
advantage where we can.
You know, on your bad days you think
'I'm the worst, I'm the worst at my job'
In the back of your head you're like
'that can't be true like statistically
speaking that can't actually be true.
There has to be somebody worse out there.'
Henry.
Can I offer you a drink?
With alcohol.
You like rum and coke, don't you?
- Cuba Libre?
It's like the same thing
only with lime in it.
Here you go.
Thanks.
So, we understand that your personal
survivability post-acquisition is a
sticking point and I shouldn't
be doing this but,
- I'm gonna offer you something very special.
- Yeah?
We have a couple very lovely
extra planetary habitats
that are floating around
that we're just not using.
What's that? Extra planetary..
Is that like a Space Station?
Yeah and they could
easily be retrofitted for
your species needs and frankly desires.
We could give you one the size of a small city.
You could bring a couple
thousand people with you.
And I wouldn't... Would I have
to tell them what happened?
You could tell them whatever you want.
So I could tell them I saved them.
That I swooped in last minute.
You would be a hero.
Henry, let's do this.
I'm excited for you
Don't you want to win for once?
I win sometimes.
Well, most of the time it's when the
cop doesn't bother to show up.
Well we only have
a few minutes left.
Wouldn't be in business if
it wasn't for the no-shows.
A win's a win.
Is it?
We actually have a lot of paperwork
to get through before we can...
I'm just gonna take a
look at this real quick.
Yeah, here we go. Statute concerning
the appropriation of assets.
This deal expires in 60 seconds!
- The expropriating party will have the
The expropriating party
will have the right to
commence a formal hearing
in the jurisdiction of
the opposing party... in the jurisdiction
of the opposing party that's...
So, that means that your clients
actually have to appear here today
to begin the negotiations.
- Well that's a minor detail.
- And you said they were not local to this
- system is that correct?
- Yes
And so if I agreed you would just
use your wormhole dealies,
and you would suck
up all the oceans and
that would be that.
- By the end of the day yes.
- Earlier you said that every alien species
experiences the flow of time differently.
So approximately how long would it take
for your clients to present
themselves here?
As you experience it?
Yeah
- Three million years.
- Mm-hmm they're gonna no-show.
- You know what, I'm just gonna
wait until they show up.
What was that?
I'm sorry, that was really
unprofessional of me.
So does that... Are you um...
what's happening?
Congratulations on a
successful negotiation.
I won?
Is that what you're saying? I won?
I won, really? Yeah
You're not gonna kill me now, are you?
No.
I'll send you back to the
bar where we found you.
Have another drink, you deserve it.
You're just not used to
losing, yeah, that's all.
Well, this was supposed to be an easy one.
It was all set up.
Oh.
You know I used to be
the best in the business.
This job is so lonely.
Nobody sees my true form without being
utterly repulsed. It's humiliating.
I wasn't repulsed.
It was just scary.
Well, you haven't had a win in so long.
Why do you think I'm on water duty?
Trust me there are better gigs out there.
Believe me, I've been there.
Look, I know you almost just
destroyed all life on my planet but,
If you ever want to talk, give me a call.
As long as you promise not
to try to kill us all again.
You know I did make one mistake
You're not the worst lawyer
in the world.
You know if you're ever
tired of traffic tickets,
Our firm is looking for a representative
in this solar system.
Oh?
Here.
You can fax me. They work quite
well over cosmic distances.
And Henry?
If it's okay with you...
I might just take you up on that talk.