First Time Female Director (2023) Movie Script
1
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
VOICEMAIL: The person
you are trying to reach--
SAM: Sam.
[COUGH]
Sam.
VOICEMAIL:--is
currently unavailable.
Please leave your
message after the beep.
[BEEP]
(OFF) MEG: Hey, Sam.
It's your mom.
Psych!
It's your therapist.
Don't get your hopes up.
I have to push our session.
I had some last minute shopping.
You're probably at your
little theater, so--
I don't know-- write some
more plays or something.
Bye-bye.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
SHELDON: Enter.
Come on in, Sam.
Sit down.
Well, I bet you're wondering,
oh, what's going on?
Yes, yes.
See,
that's theater--
palpable tension.
Um, are you
still doing my play?
Because I love writing plays
and being around actors.
[LAUGHS]
Of course,
rain's coming in.
Yes.
Here's the new draft.
Ah, great.
Well, you sure do love
Southerners, don't you?
They kind of
shoot from the hip in a way
that I respond to,
and in a way I kind
of wish I was more like that.
Greggy Thompson
was slated to direct.
The
great Greggy, yeah.
Was?
But
we have decided
that we want you, the scribe.
To direct?
No.
Yes.
Oh, no.
I'm not someone
who could do that.
I think that there's got
to be someone better.
I'm trying to think.
Um, Darlene O'Donnell?
She could be good.
She's
got a gig off-Broadway.
Oh, April
Slattery is really talented.
Had
a baby a week ago.
Sheldon, I'm
beginning to feel like I
wasn't your first choice here.
[LAUGHS]
[AWKWARD CHUCKLING]
Where's Greggy?
Greggy Schmeggy.
Just say yes!
It'll be magic to
have our first female
kick off our 29th season.
I mean, you can, you
know, recast all--
all ladies if you want.
Whatever.
Well,
that wouldn't work
because it's a family drama.
Oh, yes!
Yeah.
Of course, your
rate would double.
I accept.
Hallelujah.
That's great.
(ON) SAM: I accept.
OK.
You got to be confident.
Because these actors are hyenas.
And if you falter
in front of them,
it'll be your blood
dripping off their face fur.
OK, well, then I'll--
I'll become a lion.
I'll be like a mama lioness.
A
pack of hyenas can
easily tear apart a lioness.
But it's a good general
mindset to start out with.
Mama lion!
Rawr, rawr!
(ON) SHELDON: Oh, boy.
I'm a lion.
Rawr, rawr!
Yes.
This one.
That's me.
That's me, sir.
That's me.
You
work at that theater?
Yes, I do.
I'm a director.
No shit?
Actor.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, maybe you
could get me a job.
You're right.
Maybe I could.
Well, I
know where you live.
And I know your name.
I do not know how
to contact you.
And my driver
information does not
have any contact info for me.
So we may have to exchange--
I'm sure we'll
bump into each other
again because I'm
constantly taking Zooms.
This is
where you live, right?
Yeah, I
kind of usually--
we actually overshot it.
(ON) DRIVER: Oh.
I can take you right back there.
No, this is good.
I'll get out here.
Thank you.
Good
old brick and stucco.
[LAUGHS]
I know where you live.
Yeah, I put my
neighbors coordinates.
Coordinates?
You live next door?
Yeah, I
live in the area.
This one's just--
either are fine.
Bye!
Back to my place!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Guys, places, please.
Places.
All right, you in the
back, can you sit down?
Yes.
When the hand goes up,
whoop, everyone quiet.
I'm your director.
I'm a director.
I don't know how to describe
it except it's like I just
suddenly feel like I exist.
You got a gig.
Yes.
I'm happy.
How do you know?
Could I
be tricking myself?
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Do you hate yourself?
I mean,
sometimes I'm just like,
other people are better
than you, and you suck.
Yeah.
But hate?
I'm going to
put you down for yes.
OK.
But, you know,
therapy is crucial for you.
With your aloof parents, and
your loner mentality, and your
deep insecurities, you need it.
In other news-- and
yes, I too bear news--
I'm changing my billing
system to the Square.
And I don't want
you to be startled
at the end of our session,
so I'm letting you know now.
OK.
So you can
emotionally prepare.
[PHONE VIBRATES]
Oh.
Oh, it's from my theater.
It's a community meeting.
Damn, it's so soon.
I don't have on good makeup.
I just don't want to look mousy.
This is a big opportunity.
Oh, I have
a cosmetology license.
You do?
I could
do your makeup.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Mama lion.
[APPLAUSE]
What?
Gerald, come on.
Give me my light, will you?
Gerald, what are you doing?
Cut it out!
That
is the best bit.
Come on.
I sign your checks, Gerald!
[LAUGHS]
Ahem.
Thespians, ushers,
box office personnel,
costume designers,
stage managers, and yes,
even techies--
Fucking dick.
Stupid bitch.
It has
come to my attention
that our beloved
director, Greggy Thompson,
had non-traditional
relationships with cast members
in every play he directed.
Greggy is stepping down.
What?
OK.
Now I'm going to announce
Greggy's replacement.
She is a female, which
is just the medicine
we need right now--
Sam Clifford!
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, whoa.
Oh, no.
Gerald, where's my
spotlight action?
Let's dance, baby.
Ah, ah!
Come on.
OK.
We'll do it some other time.
I am Sam Clifford.
Hi, friends.
I know the mood is a
little iffy right now,
but I just want you to know
from the bottom of my heart,
I believe victims.
And that's what you are.
Sorry if I look crazy.
My therapist did my makeup.
Thank you very much.
I sound like Elvis.
Ah, getting in my head.
Thanks, guys.
I'm going to be a mama lion.
I'm going to protect you.
Rawr!
OK.
We'll see you soon.
Holy shit.
Hey, Sam.
Wait up.
Whoa, Greggy.
That was a
great speech back there.
Oh, thank you.
That means a lot.
Yeah, I just kind of had
to make it up on the spot,
but I was happy with it.
(ON) GREGGY: Hey, listen.
Walk and talk with
me for a second.
I keep my car parked down
here so she don't get dinged.
I can see you as a director.
You do?
Of course.
You're super duper.
You are a very
special person, OK?
You know that.
Right, kid?
I think I do, yeah.
She is my stingray.
Yeah.
Look.
You're going to make theater.
That's the dream.
Right?
I lost my dream because of some
bad judgment or some bad luck.
Really, some vindictive phonies.
The point is, I'm here for you.
Hey, I'm damn good.
I can teach you to
get standing O's.
Mm-hmm.
You know what?
Thank you, but I kind of
want to find my own way.
Silly.
Why don't you grab
a coffee with me?
I mean, what-- what's the
worst that can happen?
I got a cool car.
Why don't you hop in?
It is so cool.
God.
Maybe I could just sit
in it for a second.
No, I can't do this.
I got to go.
I got to sleep.
I got to eat.
I got a table read
tomorrow, Greggy.
OK.
Well, text me.
All right.
Bye, Greggy.
[DRUM BEATING]
I say we
do another musical, guys.
Rawr!
Rawr, rawr, rawr!
Mama lion reporting
for den duty.
Hey, twin.
Check the lips.
Hmm?
Marjorie,
that's an exact match.
That's crazy.
It's not crazy.
It's flattering.
Anyhow, so by now
we've all read the script.
We know it's about a small town.
But what is it really about?
It's
about all of us.
Is it about Detroit?
It's-- it's human.
It's universal.
Come on,
the universal Southern
experiences that we were--
that's what we're doing?
Rain's coming in.
What is rain?
What is it?
Rain, rain is water.
It's viscous.
It's molecular H2O.
Mm-hmm.
Good.
It cleanses
but also makes mud.
Phones down, OK?
Let's
open the damn script.
Rain's Coming
In, written by Sam Clifford,
directed by Sam Clifford!
[LAUGHS]
That's my girl.
No relation
to me, Sheldon Clifford.
Only met her mom once!
I swear I did nothing.
You fucked her mom?
No.
Uh-oh.
No.
No, I did not.
Here we go.
Act 1.
Mama Jean's rural home.
Mama Jean enters
in robe smoking.
Opens newspaper, smacks it.
Humph!
Thunder, lightning.
Mama looks outside.
Rain's coming in.
It's raining
drops the size of gumballs.
Cooper,
you got a hard heart.
It ain't our fault you
drink to get through a day!
I'm daddy, but
I'm a dead fucking ghost daddy.
W-- why,
Cooper, you're drunk.
You are too, mama.
So don't you dare!
No,
she ain't, Cooper!
Lillie Mae,
mama's little lapdog!
Now, listen, here,
if you love the wild, the wild
love you back, boy.
Dinner's
ready, potatoes
whipped high like mountains.
There's enough food here
to feed a firehouse.
Mama, we ought to invite Buck.
Lillie Mae's sweet on him.
Lillie Mae
screams and collapses
in the door, holding Buck.
Oh, Buck, the
father of the unborn baby!
Oh, God, this is worse
than porridge on ice!
Yes, I'm pregnant, y'all.
Lights dim,
rain sound, end of play.
It's really good.
Really sad, right?
Sad story.
Yeah, it was great.
I'd just go a little
longer, chica.
No, it was long.
I think like a director.
You
know, I love it.
I'm obsessed with it.
But there are three funerals.
There are also 20
monologues back to back.
Imagine-- imagine
fucking but you're
climaxing the entire time.
Don't
have to imagine.
Corden,
your ghost character
scared the shit out of me.
And I say that as someone
who's been stabbed six times.
By six
different people?
Four.
Should we focus, or
is this good for camaraderie?
OK,
monstrous read, everybody.
Just a little over three hours.
Thank you, everyone.
Beautiful work.
Email me if you want to
meet for one-on-ones!
Well, that was amazing.
(ON) SHELDON: It--
It was.
It was.
And did you see this?
Glendale Post, "Sam
Clifford to direct.
First-time female
director poised to helm
show at the Regis Theater."
Front page!
Incredible.
Ooh, la la la.
Mm-hmm.
Sam.
Yeah.
Hey.
Just looking at this
little write-up that I got.
Oh wow.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
I'm so excited
that you're getting to direct.
I am too.
The whole
time I've worked
here, it's always been men.
So just seeing you
walk through that door
today in this new position
was really powerful.
Thank you.
I'm inspired.
Thank you.
I've been trying
to do a little writing myself.
Really?
Yeah, but I'm
really visual and abstract.
I'm-- I'm scared it
might be my downfall.
Well, if I could
give you some advice, um,
I would say have fun with it.
Because if you're
not, they won't.
Well, us two girls, we
got to stick together.
That glass ceiling is no joke.
Yeah, and my
glass ceiling is blocking
me from getting up to yours.
So--
[LAUGHS] That part.
Anyway, I got
to do a little work.
All right.
Today, I've
brought in some coaches
from all over Glendale who
are going to help you think
about how to refine your work.
OK?
What is acting?
Rudie, where are you from?
Florida.
(ON) TEACHER: OK, Rudie.
I want this to come
out of your dick.
I want you to really
just, like, say it.
OK?
Florida!
(ON) RUDIE: I'm from Florida!
Can we get
another one out of you?
That's my friend.
Let's get the whole shaft.
I'm from Florida!
(ON) TEACHER: More.
Put the balls in.
I'm from Florida!
Yes, yes!
Put your hands--
(ON) CORDEN: From Iowa.
I'm from Hollywood!
You put
both titties in there!
You're
fucking seals,
just throwing little anchovies
out for you to catch.
Ar, ar, ar, ar!
Are you saying
that like a good thing or?
No, I'm saying it
like that's what being an actor
is.
Uh-huh.
Acting
is not something I do.
I'm 28.
You can definitely
play older or younger.
How old are you?
Yeah.
I
also do training.
I'm a trainer as well.
Down, and back.
You want us all
running at the same time?
All
at the same time.
Just
do what he says.
Do you know
were Flappers Comedy Club is?
(ON) DAVINA: Yes.
I live in
one of the apartments
right above that.
Wow.
How did
you get a place there?
I do
stand-up comedy.
Wait.
So the rundown is you do
stand-up, personal training,
and acting coaching?
(OFF) TEACHER: Yes.
What's
your bread-winner,
though, out of the three?
I make my most
money working at Squeakers.
Hi.
Say hi.
OK, hi.
Oh my God.
Is World War III coming?
Hi.
See?
So let's try it again.
Thank you.
Because I really felt
like you really meant it.
It's different.
(OFF) DAVINA: I got chills.
There
are differences.
How do you
get out of your own head?
I feel like so often
I'm my greatest block.
I thought you
said, I migrate as block.
That's
what I thought.
SAM: I thought she
said, I migrate as block.
OK,
and what if she did?
What if she did?
Everything is right except
for what you're feeling.
Food.
OK?
If your character is not
eating, the heart's not beating.
The-- the sound can come
out of your mouth, but--
I didn't
even know you had that.
Brad
Pitt has never
said a line on or off camera
without something in his mouth.
I just got chills.
Denzel Washington
would not be Denzel Washington
without a pocketful of peanuts.
Always going.
You can see his mouth going.
Who are you waiting to be?
You have a bathroom in
here on the premises?
Yeah.
How far?
SAM: Get out.
We don't know him.
We don't know him.
Come on out.
TEACHER: I'm
doing all right.
(OFF) SAM: We don't--
It's
too much fruit.
We were all
shocked you were directing.
It felt
like time, you know?
It felt right.
Huge jump.
I wanted to talk about
our vision for Cooper.
Do you see him as gay?
(ON) SAM: Do you him to be?
No.
Well, I'm not mommy.
What's your vision?
Mommy?
It's a funny word.
Mine actually split
when I was six.
A lot of the mama lion
thing you've been doing, um,
it's just a lot for me.
I'm so sorry.
(ON) RUDIE: Oh, my God.
I did not know.
(ON) RUDIE: No, stop.
I went to a fun boarding
school and got over it fast.
And, you know, I just
kind of realized,
like, why am I
taking it so personal
that my mom abandoned me?
Right.
Yeah, and, Rudie,
I hope you're not
nervous about this production.
I know it's
challenging material,
but you're a super duper actor.
And you're really great.
You know that, right?
Don't try
that greeky shit with me.
It's not you.
Anyway, thanks for
giving me free rein.
Yeah.
You know,
you seem scared.
Sometimes the best thing
you can do is just admit it.
People really respect honesty.
Coffee?
Oh, my god.
Oh, it's too hot.
It's too hot to--
oh.
Bye.
SAM: So notecard 72--
nope 71.
Sorry about that.
So this is Elizabeth Cary.
To anyone who guessed,
that's correct.
Elizabeth Cary, she
penned the first play
written by a woman in 1613.
She had 11 kids, and
she still created.
That's grit.
OK, I'm going to hang this.
I'll get one of the
guys to hang it.
We made it through
this many notecards.
Corn on the cob.
Nya-nya.
You guys have been amazing to
just stick it out this long.
And I want to admit
something to you.
I'm scared right now.
I was scared this
morning getting ready.
I'm scared to lead.
Sometimes it's good to say that.
DAVINA: [LAUGHS]
What?
I'm doing
a panties giveaway.
My panties, I wear them.
And then I give them away.
(ON) SAM: Pantie?
It's
like a sponsor thing.
There's some shit on them,
so they sell for more.
Not my shit.
[BEEP]
My love?
(ON) SAM: Yeah.
My kid sister,
I mentioned her to you, right?
She's a single mom?
Yeah, she's having
some child care issue.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
So I told her I'd
watch my niece.
I mean, you get it?
Single mom, child care issues?
Yeah.
I'm trying to think how
we could make it work.
Maybe she could
sit off to the side
and do her homework
or something?
I don't know, but we
should talk about it.
When is this?
Right now.
Come on in, honey.
She-- she said you have
to sit in the corner.
SAM: No, I'm saying
like, I just feel like then
you'd have your own space.
Yeah, you can grab that chair.
[VIOLIN MUSIC]
[CHAIR SCRAPING]
She seems so sad.
RUDIE: Unforgivable.
(OFF) CLARA: It's hard to see.
Welcome.
So--
[RINGTONE]
My boy Zac.
What's up?
Yeah, hey, Efron, baby.
What's up, brother?
Wait
are-- are you serious?
It's actually Zac Efron?
CORDEN: Yeah,
you little bitch.
What up?
Now we got
rid of him, we can get
to the infamous notecard 72.
What's the diaphragm?
Where is it?
You know, I'm going
to take over because I think
you're going to confuse them.
And it's better if I
just, like, read this one.
Um, it's just an area that
I have a lot of expertise
and passion around, which is
the diaphragm, which is actually
connected to the pelvic floor.
So if you have a
scrotum, for example,
tighten that, kind of--
OK,
there's a kid, just
reminding you, the scrotum.
Oh,
I'm fine with that.
It's good to not attach
shame to those words.
Let it spread around the anus.
Interesting choice for director.
I'm all for a woman
in charge, completely.
But like, kind of please
be a different one.
Please.
At
least a woman that
won't let Marjorie's niece just
barge into the rehearsal space.
That was insane.
That was crazy.
Wait.
Who am I?
Hoo, hoo.
Scared Samantha.
Oh, I
just dislike her.
Look at these notecards!
My name is Sam.
I have a lot riding on this.
I hope I get a big, fancy--
Wait, what is that?
SIMON: Where
are you looking?
Oh.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Great rehearsal today.
Great job.
Thank you.
It was amazing.
Just
waiting for a Zoomer.
Yeah.
I'm just
going to Zoom on out.
[CHATTERING]
Bye, Clara.
Bye.
Hey, Corden.
Yeah, see you.
Hey.
(ON) SAM: Hey.
You have a
good first rehearsal?
Yeah, it
was really good.
It was so good today.
OK.
(ON) SAM: Bye.
See you later.
MARJORIE: Whoa,
a hand-drawn map.
"Hey, let's meet
at Griffith Park.
Fun rehearsal time."
CLARA: I know the spot.
Follow me.
Come on.
Yeah,
I'll catch up later.
I'll meet you guys there.
I just got to go
get a couple Jamocha
shakes for me and my mom.
Be really
disappointing if you
didn't come.
Be really disappointing
if you didn't.
Oh my God.
My doctor.
I have it.
[GIGGLES]
[BIRD CALLING]
Hey, hey.
Hello, thespians.
Hi.
Just squatting
on this old tree
stump, communing with nature,
practicing my bird call.
[BIRD CALLING]
You're not dealing with that
uptight robot Sam Bird anymore.
I had an epiphany.
I got to loosen up.
So let's loosen up!
Woo!
So let's hike.
Oh!
Ah.
So let's hike and--
ooh.
Got me.
So let's hike and shout
lines into the wind.
I didn't
bring my hiking shoes.
Me neither.
Well, we weren't
born in shoes, were we?
So Davina,
like, totally bailed.
And where's Corden?
Ooh, I do have
a little announcement
on that front.
Corden landed a role in
the Magic Mike prequel.
Oh.
(ON) CLARA: He got out.
So we're
completely fucked.
Do not worry.
He has given me his word, he
will be back for previews.
Woo!
Yes!
RUDIE: Sam, is the
trail at least short?
The
trail is not short.
It's very steep and rigorous.
MARJORIE:
What do you mean?
I'll wait for you.
My
shoes are made of felt.
SAM: Everyone's
accents could improve,
so let's really try to watch--
I don't know-- old Southern
movies or something.
Sam, Sam, Sam.
You know I respect
your vision, but what--
what the hell does this
have to do with acting?
I'm just confused.
I want to understand.
You'll understand as
it goes deeper in your soul.
Simon DiCaprio, hit us.
I bought
poison from the apothecary.
Ow!
I hurt my damn ankle.
Are you all right?
MARJORIE: Oh.
[SCREAMING]
[RATTLING]
RUDIE: Why
are we even here?
Don't worry.
I'm going to just cock
that shit right back in--
Wait, wait, wait.
My ankle is double-jointed.
What's new is the scratch.
SAM: Oh.
Come on.
Oh.
[VOCALIZING]
(SINGING) Home
again, home again, jiggity jig.
All right, we're back.
And it's rain day.
Rain, rain, don't go away.
Is the rain rig ready?
Oh, you betcha.
Should I fire it up?
(ON) SAM: One second.
Joseph.
It's-- it's time
to run the rain.
Joseph, we're going
to do the rain.
You have earplugs
in or something?
Earbuds.
I listen to music
while I make kill lists
of people I want fucking dead.
All right, Joseph.
All right.
Well, it's the
gray, dreary morning
of grandpappy's funeral.
And here he lays, right?
Here lays grandpappy.
The rain is going to come on.
You will get wet.
There's plenty of towels
over here for after.
I brought a bunch of props.
Come on up and grab some.
Whoa!
We got a hat.
We got an umbrella.
We got a poncho.
We got a something.
Have at it.
I'm
going to go ahead
and snatch this little
rainslicker right here.
I'll
take the flowers.
I'll
take the umbrella.
That's actually
bad luck, Macbeth.
[LAUGHS]
Macbeth, Macbeth!
Oh, great.
Well, I'll just use this--
something that my character
would absolutely never wear.
RUDIE: Cute.
(ON) CLARA: It's cute.
This isn't even bad taste.
It's the complete
absence of taste.
Clara, that's
actually hurting my feelings.
That my personal hat
that I brought from home
to share with you guys.
It's neither
here nor there, Sam.
Oh, come on.
These kids don't know style.
We're in our brew.
Oh, mama, mama, mama, mama.
Kind of taste
what you had for breakfast.
All right.
Yeah, we better get going.
Let's get into the piece, OK?
Let's see what we got here.
All right.
So you're sad.
You're at a funeral.
You're sad.
Everyone's feeling down.
Grandpappy is gone.
Davina, remember you're sad?
Yeah.
He's dead, right?
So grandpappy, no!
Grandpappy, no!
All right,
we'll take it.
Grandpappy
is my grandpappy, right?
Oh, no, no.
Your grandpappy would have died
a long, long, long, long time
ago.
No, but I'm
playing mama like 34, 35.
She's
going to be high 60s
and early 70s at the very, very
youngest, I'm going to say.
Yeah.
All right, guys,
Marjorie, lead us in.
Woo!
OK.
Sky's darkening,
clouds getting heavy.
We best say our final goodbyes
to dear old grandpappy,
lest we get caught in
a hard, driving rain.
Grandpappy!
Oh, no.
We're so sad.
MARJORIE: Dead and gone.
[SOBBING]
Is it
raining way too hard?
Turn it down, Sam!
OK.
RUDIE: We
look like a joke!
[METALLIC CRASH]
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
It's
a hot, hot house.
This is supposed
to be extremely hot.
I'm swimming.
Why is there so much rain?
I'm sorry!
[SHOUTING]
The rain is
most definitely coming in.
Ah!
[GRUNTING]
[SHOUTING]
The Regis
is wet, wet, wetter.
We don't care over here
about climate change, honey.
We're doing a wet
t-shirt contest, dude.
Davina, knock it off!
Wet t-shirt,
wet t-shirt contest.
My boobies are so wet!
Stop showing
your chest, please!
You're
slut-shaming them!
What is going on?
Hey, a little
water experiment setback.
Sam, cast,
I'd like you to meet
Miles and Thimberly Paris.
They are very generous
donors to our little theater.
Oh, well,
what an honor.
Thank you.
We love the Regis.
CLARA: You're kind.
And I
put my money where
my mouth is with the arts.
Here, here.
It
makes me feel better
about my undeserved wealth.
Well, I love to stand
right here with all
of you actors, theater
people, here in the green room
together.
Well, it's-- it's energizing.
This is the green room, right?
I'm saying that right?
Well, technically,
it's known as the house.
Ah.
What a letdown.
But it
is like a green room.
It really is.
Is it?
It isn't.
No?
I have
a friend in textiles
who would love her
fabric, Alabama jazz,
to be incorporated into the set.
Oh!
[CLAPPING]
But after
today, I don't know.
Isn't
that fabric exquisite?
MARJORIE: Stunning.
(ON) THIMBERLY: All right.
Well, we'll get out
of your wet hair.
[LAUGHTER]
Hey.
(ON) STAR: Hey.
Hey, are you OK?
Yeah.
Um, I'm good.
Yeah.
It's a little harder than I
thought, but it's been good.
OK.
Yeah, see, I've been struggling
to get this play I wrote
produced, so it's kind of
comforting to know it's
no cakewalk for you either.
No, there's
like hot coals.
My feet are burnt.
Ow.
Blisters.
Oh.
And I'm treading on--
Sam?
Yeah.
Can I grab you?
Uh-huh.
All right.
You are
alarmingly behind schedule.
And I bit my tongue when
you harbored a minor
and when you held
rehearsal in a tree,
but this water
debacle was wretched.
It's bad.
Yeah.
Would it help if
I sat in the room?
I mean, it's tricky because
I want you to be yourself.
But the blueprint for
what works here is Greggy.
You know, he could go
mad dog if he needed to
or-- or morph into
a trusted friend.
Yeah, he was always
flipping out on people.
Yeah.
And then, like,
really weird and intimate.
Yeah.
(ON) SAM: I'll try that.
You do not have to sit
in rehearsals, my friend.
I am excellent at
reading people.
Trust me.
[BANGING ON LID]
Morning, Sam.
Davina, are you
going to post about the show?
No.
[BANGING ON LID]
Good morning.
CLARA: Hey.
Clara, how's your mom?
She's good.
Miss that old girl.
Marjorie, you look cool today!
Oh, thanks.
Want this jacket?
I don't,
but thank you so much.
That's so generous.
Right off your back.
Uh, who else we got in here?
Davina!
Rocking a cool new headband.
I like it.
(ON) DAVINA: Thank you, girl.
I got it from a company
in exchange for a post.
Exciting
creative relationship!
Simon's over there
nursing a coffee
like it's his best friend.
Mm-hmm.
What's
your go-to order?
What is it?
I usually
like an Americano
with some agave in it.
All right,
enough chit-chat!
Everybody down!
[BANGING ON LID]
[SHOUTING]
Sam!
Have we replaced a male
predator with a female disaster?
That's
a false equivalency!
Learn your blocking!
Knock it off.
You're making us
all really uncomfortable, girl.
Is this uncomfortable?
Ka-blam!
Yeah.
You shot her.
Blocking charts.
Ever heard of them?
You're going to want
to memorize those.
SIMON:
Throwing shit at us?
That'll help you
know where you're standing.
Yeah, I don't
know how we memorize a picture.
XTR to US of table?
Cross down
right to upstage of table.
Clara, so
there is a little brain
knocking around in there.
Ping, pong, poom, pom, poom pop.
Good.
Wow.
We cue to cue in 20!
[BANGS ON LID]
Thank you, 20.
(ON) SIMON: I'm taking a shit.
I'm not dealing with this.
I have
a medical migraine.
She
was provoking me.
Sam is out
of her goddamn mind.
[BANGING ON LID]
Stay in the room!
The doors are locked.
Everybody
learn your lines,
your lines and blocking.
If you would have gotten
that, then none of this
ever would have happened!
[TRANQUIL MUSIC]
[BANGING ON LID]
How's
everyone feeling?
You've been working
pretty hard out here.
I appreciate it.
Does anyone need anything,
a cup of tea or something?
RUDIE: No.
No?
Everyone know all your marks?
You feel good, feel solid?
No one's talking to me?
Let's play ball.
Let's run it.
Oh my god.
Hey, wait.
You're supposed to
take it off on me.
You
got to scoot back.
You got to scoot back.
Houston,
we have a problem.
Very out of sync.
You guys are improving like
LA traffic is improving.
It ain't.
It's very wooden.
Where's the camaraderie?
Have you ever met before?
Do you know each other?
Just stop, OK?
We're not robots!
We're a bunch of people,
just kind of hanging
out and living our lives.
You know, doing what humans
do, having millions of feelings
like little tea
candles, which you're
snuffing out every single one.
You want us to create?
You want us to protect our fire?
We cannot because of you!
So why don't you stop
being fake nice to us
and then yelling at us?
Boom, dude!
Come on, get a lifestyle.
It's ridiculous, Sam!
[SOBBING]
All right, what
are you doing right now?
I'm sorry.
Are you filming yourself crying?
Yeah,
people do that now.
They film themselves, like,
crying or at the hospital
and then post with
no explanation.
SIMON: You
should put a filter on.
Oh my god!
This
is our craft, Sam.
It's kind
of a bummer, dude.
This feel like we
work at, like, Amazon.
SAM: Amazon?
Simon?
Really?
Amazon.
Yes, Sam.
OK, I'm--
I'm getting a lot of big
feelings off everyone.
I'm-- I'm riding
these waves with you.
And I got to tell you, I knew
today was going to be hard.
I knew that.
So I got you a treat
it's right over there.
What is it?
SAM: That's a
box full of donuts.
And each donut in there has
one of your names on it.
Do you think
we're little children?
You're
not going to like
my answer, which is you are
acting like a bunch of brats
right now.
(ON) SIMON: Whoa!
(OFF) CLARA: Oh, my god.
That's it?
Sam, we quit.
OK.
Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Quitting as in
shuttering the show?
Maybe she
can change, you know?
She can't.
Is this serious?
OK, we need to talk.
This whole situation has
gotten very out of hand.
MARJORIE: Yeah.
All right, this
is a little runaway train.
I think we need to talk
through some of our issues
and make it right.
We're certainly not
going to stop the show.
Don't be sheeple!
Follow me.
Oh, great.
Just like your mom
walked out on you, right?
[WHISTLES]
Oh my God.
CLARA: Whoa.
(ON) SIMON: That was crazy, bro.
DAVINA: Tsk-tsk.
(ON) SIMON: I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry.
Sam, you got to do better.
That was wild.
MARJORIE: Low blow, Sam.
Guys.
I'm sorry, Sam.
You're
not cut out for this.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Come on, let's talk.
Come on.
Come back.
Rudie, come back!
Don't-- please.
Gerald, don't fucking
dim the lights, man!
Work with me, Gerald!
[SOBBING]
Did you have an
abortion like a few years ago?
Was that you?
No.
Oh, you wanted
to freeze your eggs,
and you couldn't afford it.
More chardonnay?
Yes, yes.
Yessiree, Bob, I will
take more, please.
Me too.
I'm going to have
to put mine in a doggy bag.
Oh, why?
I have to go.
I have a date in 20 minutes.
And it's at the racetrack,
which is 35 minutes away.
So you do the math.
Racetrack?
Listen.
Have a blast tonight.
Life is a non-stop party,
or you're doing it wrong.
Got it?
(ON) SAM: Yeah.
Good.
Hang in there.
Thank you.
You're the best.
Thanks for
paying for my drink.
Gosh,
I love that girl.
Oh, hey.
I just thought of a joke.
What do horses drink?
Um, Chardon-neigh?
Yeah.
You got it on the first try.
Hey.
Hi.
Oh.
Hi.
I feel like I know you,
but I'm like wee, wee, wee.
I should really go home.
Oh, no.
That'd be sad.
Why?
Well,
because I just got here.
Oh.
You
had a rough day?
My boss is in here.
He's in your phone?
I had 17 missed
calls from my boss.
My boss, he says no.
Maybe he was
calling with 17 compliments?
[CHUCKLES] I wish!
Hey, you know what?
I thought of a joke.
(ON) SAM: Hmm.
You
want to hear it?
Yeah.
What
do horses drink?
Oh my God, no!
You heard that?
I'm sorry.
Oh my God.
You're so bad.
You stole my joke!
[LAUGHS]
You scared me.
You're brilliant.
Where did you come from?
I don't know.
Heaven.
Maybe that's why I'm
wearing a white jean jacket.
SAM: I definitely
do believe in angels.
I do.
I'm going to say
something to you right now.
You're one of the
most beautiful women
I've ever seen in my life.
You're stunning.
Thanks.
Hold on.
Don't move.
I said, don't move.
Sorry.
I know.
It's hard.
Ow!
You're hot.
Ah, thanks.
Man, who are you?
Who are you?
You're so alert.
Let's go.
Where?
I want
you to see my house.
It's an apartment.
Oh.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Morning.
[GIGGLING]
Oh my goodness.
Humans, wow.
We're just animals.
We're fucking.
Animals.
Totally.
Yeah.
Hey.
Uh, I want to do
Cooper in the play.
How do you
even know my play?
Because I'm Robbie.
I'm the head usher at the Regis.
What?
Come on.
You knew that, right?
I did not know that.
Then you should know
the play's shut down.
Yeah, I know.
What a better time to recast?
Look, I don't want to
be an usher forever.
I-- I've got aspirations too.
I mean, look at you.
You were a scuzzy
little playwright,
and now you're a director.
Kind of.
Let me take a
crack at the Cooper monologue
from the final act,
from the final scene.
Please Ahem.
OK.
I killed daddy.
It was me.
I should have never taken him
down to that watering hole
by the mining company.
I'm going to stop you.
Um, I don't think that
you're Regis material.
I like you.
I think you're so
awesome and cool.
Bullshit.
What'd you say?
I said bullshit.
You know what?
I don't think you're
girlfriend material.
How do you feel about that?
Wait.
I thought we connected.
Nothing to see here!
Just a woman screwing
her underling.
That is a stretch!
Who reports to her!
Stretch!
Whatever
you say, boss.
Shut up!
I-- I didn't even recognize him.
Burn.
Also, I was extremely
drunk, and he was not.
Then that
would be assault.
OK, by
that definition,
I have been assaulted
hundreds of times.
Sometimes
you have to buff
the veneer off the
status quo and lay
bare the truth beneath it.
But-- but you're a writer.
You must do that all
the time in your work.
Hey, give me
back my white jean jacket!
Here you
go, you stupid idiot!
Be careful!
[SIGHS] We got 15
minutes left in our sesh, bro.
What do you want to talk about?
What hurts the most?
That you didn't
succeed, that you
were a female pawn for the
patriarchy set up to fail?
Is it my drinking?
Is it our drinking?
No.
Oh, it's the usher, right?
Dude, it's the usher.
He got you hot in the loins,
then he left you for dead?
What, is it Sheldon?
I mean, who cares about Sheldon?
What, are you afraid to
return Sheldon's phone calls?
You know, you always adopt
this childlike mentality
with powerful men.
Is it the square?
Because I need to bust it
out so you can remit payment.
What kind of
therapist babbles like this?
Are you a gumshoe?
Are you on cocaine again?
Are you using?
I don't even
know what you mean by that.
I think
you're on cocaine.
And I don't think we
should have sessions when
you're [CLICKS] on the [CLICK].
So you don't
want to use the Square or?
Here.
Here.
Fuck the Square.
Here.
You want money so bad?
There.
And I am not scared of Sheldon.
That's actually ridiculous.
You should be ashamed
of that theory.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Sheldon.
Where
have you been?
I'm treading water here.
I couldn't handle
the mutiny, obviously.
All
actors want is to act.
All day they're dying
to get back here
to be anyone but themselves.
You somehow made them
prefer their own lives
to the land of make-believe?
I mean, that's impressive, Sam.
Can you just
help me get Rudie to fold?
He blocked my number.
No, I will
not take on your drama.
Please
just help me out.
It's your theater.
I will
not take on your drama!
Look, what's behind
every powerful man?
A family with money?
A woman
who gains power by proxy.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[RINGING DOORBELL]
Clara.
Come on, man.
Open the door.
Open the door!
God, Sam.
Hey.
I'm not
supposed to talk to you.
But you kind
of want to, don't you?
Well, I don't.
'Sup?
A lot of bowls.
Hmm.
I'd be careful.
You're on really thin ice.
Am I?
So life is good, then?
Having fun following a
male-led mutiny against
a first-time female director?
My God.
Sam, don't embrace those labels.
They're not
labels, they're facts.
I have a vagina, no?
I don't know.
Fact--
you have one too.
Fact-- you and your vagina took
me and my vagina for granted.
And you and your vagina left
me and my vagina for dead.
I'm
really uncomfortable
with the direction this
conversation is going.
Are you?
Because I thought
you loved the body.
I do.
SAM: And I thought you
loved medical terminology.
I do.
You turned
your back on me.
And now you and me are
sitting here with our fucking
dicks in our hands.
We got nothing to do.
Fuck.
You're right.
Fucking Rudie.
He's projecting his
mother onto you.
It's not fair.
You're completely childless.
He doesn't
go to therapy.
I bet he doesn't do
anything like that.
He doesn't
do any work on himself.
I do so much work
on myself, Sam.
I'm so scared of
losing the show.
We won't.
We're going to get
it back, Clara.
Yeah.
You have to talk to him.
OK.
The show must go on.
Yes.
The show must go on!
It has to.
God,
he does this to me.
He does this to everyone.
That's what a star does.
You're a star too.
Do you
really think so?
I hate how much I needed
to hear that from you.
Never forget that.
Also, full
disclosure, I fucked Greggy.
It was something I had to do.
I'm glad you came.
Me you.
(ON) CLARA: Thought you might.
Vag-- vag you came.
Vag you came.
I was nervous.
Yeah.
(ON) SAM: Look.
I think I'm--
(ON) CLARA: Oh my God.
I was so nervous.
Yeah.
God.
See, he always finds
these cushy jobs.
Here we are.
Where?
There.
Oh.
Hey, Rudie.
You're looking great, bud.
I am so sorry that you had to
sit there and watch me struggle
through my learning curve.
It wasn't fair to you, no
matter how imbalanced the scales
of gender are in directing.
Stick to the script.
But, Rudie, the
show must go on, right?
You should have
thought about that before you
went ballistic in
a tech rehearsal
and turned my life's
passion into a chore!
Rudie, you hate chores
because your mother turned
love itself into a chore.
But I am not her, I promise you.
And you cannot let those
ancient feelings stop our show.
You don't belong
here shilling fast fashion.
OK?
It's crass.
She's right.
You are one of the
best damn actors
I have ever laid eyes on.
You belong on the stage!
The show must go on.
The
commute is better.
(SINGING) The show must go on!
(SINGING) The show must go on.
The show must go on.
Oh, this feels good!
Yes.
(ON) CLARA: It does feel good.
I have to admit it.
It feels good.
I'm in.
Amazing!
I'll rally the cast.
Wait.
Was there an earthquake today?
No, I don't think so.
Oh, weird.
It looks like you got
ready during an earthquake.
We are back!
We are Back!
Rain's coming in.
Rain's coming in!
I am hungry!
Oh, man.
Sam, aren't you always
hungry at this age?
I'm like, oh!
Oh, I missed you guys.
I love you!
Being here in
this group, I missed that.
I missed feeling the room.
I missed hearing
language, staying
alert, going what's that?
What's my line, and
then knowing that it was
already in me the whole time.
You all
missed each other.
Got it!
Yeah.
We fiddled with the
pressure balancing valve.
It should keep the rain
temperature from fluctuating.
Great, guys.
Nice adjustment.
Yeah.
That way you can't
get severely burned.
Cool beans.
It's
pretty cool beans!
Why do you
say it so high like that?
Why do you
say it so high like that?
Shut up!
All right.
All right, guys.
This production
is a total fucking heat roller.
Not sure what
that means, guys, but let's
keep our--
Is heat
roller good or bad?
Keep our
thoughts up there, OK?
We're trying to focus down here.
We've got a big job ahead.
Yeah, drinks later.
Love you.
Great to
see you guys again.
Fuck off!
Let's shake that off.
You guys, I promised you
a treat once, didn't I?
Well, today is the day
that treat is back--
a bajillion donuts.
Hello.
Oh my god.
I love donuts!
They make me so happy.
Cast donuts, huh?
Typical.
Robbie, enter stage right.
Robbie, don't.
Sugar can
cause complications
that ultimately result in
death, inflammation, diabetes.
Come on, man.
One donut
could realistically
feed up to 10 people.
What in God's
name are you doing?
And what's the accent?
What is this?
He's
taking two donuts!
Exeunt Robbie.
You know, a lot
of different personalities
in here, but let's just
keep the energy up.
Yoo hoo.
Oh, Thimberly.
You slipped in undetected.
That's what
I said to Miles last night.
[LAUGHTER]
Good news, gang.
We got Alabama jazz.
Hurray!
Alabama jazz!
Amazing.
Really
punctures the eyes.
Hey, gal.
Do you want to see our
curtain call or what?
Yeah, a little curtain
call showcase for Thimberly.
Come right this way.
And--
Oh, look at this.
Oh.
Oh, my friends.
I believe we're
ready for previews.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Miles and
I would like to invite you
all over for a cautiously
celebratory dinner tomorrow
night at 3:30.
Yes!
MARJORIE: I accept.
Will
there be lobster?
Miles
does all the cooking.
Well, that's such a
wonderful invite, Thimberly.
Dress sharp.
(OFF) MARJORIE: Wow.
OK.
Oh, a 3:30 dinner?
No ripped jeans.
MARJORIE: Oh, I say.
(ON) CLARA: I dare say.
Are we
at Buckingham Palace?
I feel
like I'm in London.
Act like
you've been there before.
Look at this house.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
Thimberly and Miles?
SAM: Yes.
SIMON: Yes.
It's that
house over there.
Yeah, the small one.
Over there.
Yeah, there's a path.
Open your eyes.
Take the path.
Just take the path and go.
All right.
WOMAN: Are you stupid?
Go down the path.
This way!
(OFF) WOMAN: Just keep walking.
Oh, hi.
Careful
on that top step.
Guess it's down here.
MILES: Come on down.
MARJORIE: I want
to go to that house.
Would
anyone like more beans?
I dream of beanie.
Did you just
say, I dream of beanie?
Oh my God.
Beyond
my wildest beans.
You
know, it's so funny.
We thought you lived up
in the large, white house.
The
mansion up on the hill,
the big, white mansion.
But we're not there.
No.
How else do you think we
would accumulate wealth?
Ah.
(ON) MILES: We scrimp, we save.
We live below our means in the
guest house of our own mansion.
Why
don't people do that?
And a
TikToker lives in our mansion.
I love TikTok.
And
this is Sugar Belle.
She lives under the table.
[LAUGHTER]
Would anyone like
some more water?
Hmm.
Thank you.
You know, your art
here is so evocative.
DAVINA: Oh, yes.
Really, though.
The horse, kind of classic
symbol of aristocracy.
I
love the back legs.
Pardon me.
Sheldon intimated
that perhaps you lot
had skipped some
rehearsals and were
squandering our investment.
THIMBERLY:
Don't start, Miles.
It is a fair
line of inquiry, Thimberly.
It was
a creative decision.
(On) SAM: Yeah.
We needed to take
a beat, come back to it fresh.
Young man,
that's a waste of our funds.
Miles,
can I just ask, is
that your actual
shoulder muscle,
or is that a shoulder pad?
Can I--
Oh.
Oh my God.
Wow, Miles.
It's a muscle.
Oh!
Muscle,
muscle, muscle.
Hercules.
My secret is I
don't eat breakfast or lunch.
And then for dinner--
almost nothing.
And then you have to
keep moving all the time.
Never stop moving and stay low.
Always keep moving because it
keeps the pounds off and will
keep your metabolism high.
Move, move, move, move, move.
Keep moving.
And stay low when I walk,
lower than you would think.
Never stop moving.
And that's why I'm
fit as a fiddle.
Bravo.
MARJORIE: Bravo.
(OFF) CLARA: I love you guys.
That
sounds hard, fella.
I show no
signs of slowing down.
No, you don't.
Oh, thank you.
Do you know clapping push-ups?
I do those too.
Miles, if you
can do that, you have to!
No, I'm
not going to do them.
I really-- I really--
I beg thee!
For you,
perhaps, young lady.
SIMON: Let's go,
let's go, let's go.
Lucky day.
Come on, come
on, come on, come on.
Let's see.
Miles!
Miles, Miles,
Miles, Miles, Miles.
The inspiration!
And--
[CLAPS AND THUD]
RUDIE: He
must be exhausted.
SAM: Oh my god.
(ON) MARJORIE: Miles?
Miles?
(ON) SIMON: Bro.
Miles?
Is he dead
or is he just being silly?
Miles!
Sam,
what did you do?
Miles, don't go.
Not yet.
Don't leave me alone
with the staff.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
[WARMUP VOCALIZATIONS]
Hello, hello.
Hello, Corden!
Corden.
Corden, Corden!
How you doing, man?
Amazing.
(ON) MARJORIE: There we go.
I'm back.
(ON) RUDIE: How was Channing?
Was he nice?
Did you
make, like, $1,000,000?
Channing
was-- was chill, yeah.
We had fun.
And my starmeter raised 19%.
So that counts for something.
But it feels good to be
back here with you guys.
You're like family to me in
that I don't know you that well,
but I care about you.
(ON) DAVINA: That's so sweet.
Yeah.
And before anybody asks, no,
I haven't changed too much.
Well, your
body hasn't changed.
That's for sure.
Yeah, your
body hasn't changed either.
Please,
how can you tell?
I'm swimming in this thing.
Miles is dead.
No shit.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, looks
like it might rain.
Rain might clear away the smoke
from all those factory farms.
Oh, boy.
Sit down here to
my morning paper.
[LAUGHS]
[THUNDER]
[RAIN FALLING]
Home sweet home.
This is our third home,
due to factory fires.
So excuse me, mama.
I'm going to go show
you where Buck is now.
Said I'm
drunk on raspberry cordials.
Yes, I am.
[THUNDER]
Oh, my grandmamma,
grandpappy, and the house.
Oh, the house before we
lost it in the factory fire.
[THUNDER]
There it
is, that familiar smell,
the factory fire.
We've had three
this year already.
What's one more?
I've lost all my
friends in those fires.
It's blazing!
[COUGHING]
[APPLAUSE]
Do they even like it?
It was so lukewarm.
God.
I'm used to standing
fucking ovations.
Sam's
extremely green.
Give her a break.
She's in menopause.
She's an idiot.
Yeah, it
kind of sucks being back.
We would love to
dedicate tonight's performance,
y'all, to somebody who is dead.
[LAUGHS]
Our guy who is a part of
the community theater and we
love him.
He's dope.
Miles, we love you,
and we miss you.
Come back.
No, he can't.
[LAUGHS]
But, Thimberly, we are
here with you, girl.
Oh, why!
No, I
mean, we can always
change that blocking and stuff.
(ON) MARJORIE: Oh my god.
Paparazzi.
Is it Zac Efron?
RUDIE: Wait a second.
Is this for me?
Oh my God.
Oh my God, congrats.
Great preview.
It's a
start, you know.
What's this?
They're just doing
a story on my little theater.
Congratulations.
I'm Rudie.
Yeah, we've met.
She's here every day.
You know,
your hair looks so rad,
all piled up like a sea goddess.
Can I touch it?
Come on, I think
we should have stopped at rad.
No one stopped her?
No one stopped her?
No, we
should get out of here.
We're mucking up your
whole setup here.
Hey, great work on
everything, you guys.
You really nailed it today.
Big things for you.
Wow.
Thank you, Rudie.
SAM: Good job, Rudie.
R-U-D-I-E.
I really want you to
come see my show, Oil & Rancor.
It's at the Yellow Goat.
I would be
absolutely delighted to.
OK, great.
I'll put you on the list.
No, I want
to buy a ticket.
I want to support.
It's sold out.
I'll-- I'll throw
your name in the list.
Sold out?
That's so great.
I just
can't even freaking
believe that ghosts are real.
But they sure are.
Because I'm one.
We have a saying.
If there's a factory fire,
it's probably Tuesday.
I killed daddy!
[APPLAUSE]
Follow
me on Instagram.
Yes?
Are you
from Down South?
I love grits.
Does that count?
Yes?
I have a
question for you.
It seemed water wastey.
Are we not in a drought?
[SIGHS] Did you
get the free tickets OK, Meg?
Yeah.
(ON) SAM: All the comps?
Yeah?
Good.
All right.
Any other questions from
anyone here tonight?
Anyone else?
CLARA: Oh, that
guy has a question.
SIMON: Mm-mm.
That's all
the time we have.
Thank you for
supporting live theater.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
This is such a relief.
I never get a female driver.
Interesting.
What's interesting?
Seems it would go
against the idea of feminism
to presuppose, huh, we have
the same values because
of our exterior appearance
or presumed plumbing,
even to assume, young lady,
that I'm not dangerous.
Yeah,
right here is good.
Where?
Um, just
really anywhere.
Not yet.
OK, look.
Right here.
What the?
Oh my--
(OFF) DRIVER: That's right.
Cash, stolen guns.
Stolen guns.
Holy shit.
I'm terrified.
Of course you are.
I need to get
out of this car right now.
You don't.
OK.
I'm sorry that I felt safe.
I certainly take it back.
Where are we going?
I've got
a couple of errands.
Hey, just wanted to
take a quick picture,
just to prove that
I dropped you off.
What?
DRIVER: Got it.
(ON) SAM: You're psychotic.
There are privacy laws.
Bye!
Thank you.
GREGGY: Hey, Sam.
It's Greggy.
Listen, I heard you didn't get
any standing O's in previews?
Yikes.
Anyway, I told you, meet me.
Chess Cafe, OK?
I'm here most afternoons,
hanging out with
my new community of cool buds.
It was
a crisp summer day.
I was eating a plum.
Plums are sweet and nectary.
Where can you find a
plum tree in the city?
I've never seen one.
Yet in my childhood,
on a crisp summer day,
I did pluck the plums
and eat them slowly.
Plum!
The year is 8005.
A great plague is upon us.
I feel lost.
I am lost.
But aren't you?
Aren't we all?
Who could love me?
Who?
I've tried my whole life!
[DISCORDANT PLAYING]
That's called America
as we know it.
[SOBBING] Help!
Why aren't you helping me?
Don't look.
Help!
Oh!
Cords, so many cords!
My neck.
my spine, my ass,
surrounded by cords!
I can't escape the cords!
Everywhere I go-- cords.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
Y'all,
sit down, sit down.
I wrote this play for
my soul, for your soul,
for your soul, your soul,
for all of our souls.
Theater is connection.
Art is connection.
And I believe that I was put
on this earth to connect.
Every single one of y'all
in this audience is tribe.
And the vibe is
always for the tribe.
You know what I'm saying?
And on that note, white
theater with a capital W,
your day has come and gone.
Sorry.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Star!
A plum is juicy.
Plum!
Oh my God.
You're a genius!
Thank you.
Oh, I should
have got you flowers.
You crushed it.
Oh, no worries.
I'm actually on my
way out the door.
Me and the cast are
going to go party.
Oh, that's fun.
What do you put in the water
here, and can you bottle it?
I'll take 245 bottles, please.
That's the capacity
of the Regis.
Oh, stop it.
Your show is so good.
I've never gotten a
standing O like that before.
That was so magical.
Oh, well, you
know, you can't measure
yourself on that type of crap.
I can, and I do.
Sorry.
It's your night.
It's not about all this.
It is my night.
It was so amazing.
I literally feel like a queen.
Everyone was clapping so much--
clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.
Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.
It was so loud.
It's like my ears are still
ringing from the clap,
clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.
I mean, you felt it.
Yes, I
was-- it was loud.
It was crazy.
It's
incredible that you
have your own crowd
that came out and just
supports you like that.
The Regis
has a built-in audience.
I feel like you got
your own crowd too.
I know, but
white theater's over
so I guess I need a new job.
Oh.
You took that personal?
No, I'm
kidding with you.
I said white theater
with a capital W. Yeah, I
felt comfortable
enough in the moment
to express the sentiment
that the theater
establishment is musty.
I didn't say you.
I don't even know
how we got on this topic.
You were mad I got
a standing O. Remember that?
Yeah, because if you never
get one, that's on you, love.
Whoa.
Come on.
I'm not trying to
make this about me.
I'm just in this
weird situation where
everyone's comparing
me to this man
who has 20 years of experience.
And it's not fair, like.
OK, you know what?
I don't feel supported
in this visit.
Yeah, this-- this is draining.
You have some blind spots.
Me?
Yeah.
Big time.
If you feel anything
less than grateful
for an opportunity
that was literally
plopped into your lap,
you got to reconsider.
I'm not the person to
talk to about this.
What?
I mean, come on.
I-- what-- what can I
do to be better, then?
It actually
reminds me of this joke.
What's the difference between
a thoughtful white person
and a thoughtless white person?
What?
Nothing.
I should have learned my
lesson with Lena Dunham,
but I simply love Girls.
For what it's
worth, I didn't love her play.
But I thought
it was just so good.
Of course you did.
[SCOFFS]
Thank you
for understanding
that I'm going to need
you to pay up front now.
Yeah.
So I saw Star's play
and just-- boom,
standing ovation right away.
I'm like, what am I doing?
I feel like I have
nothing to say.
You're
having a breakthrough.
I am?
You don't
have much to say.
Well,
let me say this--
give me all my
money back, addict!
I don't have it.
What?
I spent it.
Sam, I have a
gambling addiction.
Good god.
I never I was perfect!
I-- I do
have something to say.
Ow.
You hurt my hand!
OK.
OK, you
need to pay for this.
Oh my goodness.
I fucking paid at the beginning.
That is my bad.
You did.
I apologize.
Please excuse me.
I have to step away
from this, for I
must attend opening night
of my directorial debut
at the Regis Theater.
Sounds like you
don't need me anymore.
I guess I'll just
jump off a bridge.
Meg!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
No, daddy.
No.
Hey, guys.
Slap looks fantastic.
Corden, it's been so nice
having you back at the Regis.
Oh, I told you I'd
be back as long as you let me
miss almost all the rehearsals.
And you're
a man of your word.
Now, mama.
(ON) MARJORIE: Yeah.
Papa.
My vet and my pro, I've got a
new monologue for each of you.
On opening night?
Enjoy the show.
Let's do
this warm-up for Miles.
Hell yeah.
Love you, Miles.
I feel you here.
What's coming in?
Rain's coming in.
Hmm.
This world, I see it
with new eyes now--
white privilege,
infrastructure designed
to support us while
cutting the other out
of the American dream.
Generational wealth!
And don't you even get me
started on so-called illegals.
Hmph.
You know who the biggest
illegal of all was, don't you?
why, Mr. Christopher Columbus.
Capitalism chews
up and spits out the have-nots.
And for what?
The almighty dollar.
Yeah, just look at our--
our public school systems and
the prison industrial complex.
Yeah, that's a great example.
And it's-- it's all by design.
So think about that.
[COUGHING]
[THUNDER]
I love advertising.
It's about balance, something
I never had in this house.
Because you tore through this
family like a factory fire,
Mama.
I may be a
ghost, but I'm still here!
Oh, the wrath of
those I bore and those I raised
is like a weight tied
to my torso, dragging me
and all my good intentions
downward toward oblivion.
[THUNDER]
Rain's coming in.
[THUNDER]
Shame,
shame on your fake rain!
Shame, shame on your fake rain!
We are in a water crisis.
Oh, dinner's ready.
Mama, we ought to invite Buck.
Lillie Mae's sweet on him.
Oh, my husband
Buck, the-- the father
of my unborn child!
And, yes, I am pregnant!
Buck!
[THUNDER]
Shame,
shame, shame, shame.
Shame, shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame, shame!
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah, yeah.
Fuck you!
[APPLAUSE]
Shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame, shame.
Oh!
Ow!
How do you have so much
paint in this theater?
I don't get it.
But I want to thank our
season ticket holders
because you make this possible.
When it's good, you
make that possible.
I thank you from the
bottom of my heart,
and I want you to know
your hard-earned cash
isn't going to waste.
The Q&A is still on!
It was a colorful
evening, obviously.
But, yeah, does
anyone have a question
for any of these
brilliant souls up here?
Let's focus on the work.
Let's focus on the work, huh?
Sam, you've
admitted yourself publicly
that you're not Southern.
OK.
So at a time when
authenticity reigns supreme,
you are inauthentic.
Why?
What
can she do, right?
She's supposed to write
a play about a writer
who becomes a director?
And
then directs that?
Man.
I think that'd be
a hall of mirrors.
[LAUGHTER]
Who wrote
Peter Pan, a pirate?
Think about it.
Martin McDonagh wrote a
whole movie about Missouri
from across the pond.
Or the dream-- he wrote
Single Ladies, and he's a man!
All right, they've
been working really hard to put
on a great show for you guys.
They really have, OK?
So they would love
a question, in spite
of all the weird setbacks with
environmentalists apparently
just kind of pegging
me and Clara, which
is sort of sexist in a way.
Weird.
Sexist environmentalists.
OK.
(ON) SIMON: What's up, man?
Hello, sir.
Here.
Oh, oh.
I'm not sexist.
Oh.
Thanks, Sam.
Oh, wait.
I really do have a question.
Where is this play set?
The Deep South.
No, you cannot ask a question.
Yeah, you don't
get a question, honeybun!
Well, it's
clearly a fictional location
with conflicting cultural
and geographical references
and accents and costumes.
Ugh,
you coastal elites,
you love our cracker barrels
and our Southern plays
and our need for jet
skis and ferrets,
but you sneer at
rural values when
you get in the voting booth.
OK, I'd
rather not enter a full
political discussion right now.
Oh,
watch whiteness work.
What does that mean?
Why don't you treat
water as a precious resource?
My God,
look at all the water
coming up and down my tits!
Oh, go, go, go, go, go.
Why
isn't grief linear?
Why does it spin relentlessly
around like a tornado?
Why are you a Jew?
Why did
you sleep with me?
Really?
I'm
your subordinate
in a professional setting.
Well, I was drunk!
You know I was drunk.
That's why.
That's why I would sleep with
you, because I was drunk.
Booze hound!
CLARA: Sam, not an usher.
Oh, OK, Greggy.
She fucked Greggy.
Yeah.
Yeah, she did.
To bring that here.
Apologize!
Apologize.
Apologize,
apologize, apologize.
Oh, oh!
Apologize, apologize!
Don't
listen to them, Sam!
All right,
Greggy, that's not helping.
All right?
That's not helping.
You're not even supposed
to be in this building.
Apologize,
apologize, apologize!
For what?
What do you want me
to apologize for?
You ever think about that?
You ever think about that?
What do you want me
to apologize for?
I can't even hear each thing!
You want me to apologize because
I wasn't thinking about water?
Because I fucked
some weird psycho?
Because I'm not Southern?
Sorry.
Sorry.
I'm a Jew.
Help.
I'm drowning in
white woman tears.
Jews aren't white.
(ON) WOMAN: They are to me.
You think
I don't know I suck?
I suck.
I know that.
And this is a group
of basic amateurs.
Basic?
Yeah, who are probably
going to-- let's be frank.
They're going to live and
die on this shitty stage.
Hey!
Yeah,
I don't know--
But I tried.
I tried, and no one's happy.
I can barely pay my rent.
I don't know whose dream
this is, but it's not mine.
I just realized that right now.
It's not mine.
Caring is
one piece of the puzzle.
Talent is another.
Then you write
a fucking play, Rudie!
OK.
That's it.
Yeah, you can write
it with this stupid audience!
Sheldon, are
you going to do anything?
Shut up, Clara!
There's no one
waiting in the wings.
There's no man who's going to
come out and fucking save you.
Do you get it?
You're being
scary girl right now.
I know.
I'm going to shut down.
Sheldon is not
coming, because Sheldon's
a fucking pussy.
But no one sees that.
Because if anyone in this
entire theater is a pussy,
Sheldon is a pussy.
Sheldon is a pussy!
[SOUTHERN MUSIC]
It's over.
We've reached an impasse.
Great.
Don't think
I forgot how you flirted
with Miles, ogling
his muscles, begging
him to fatally exert himself.
Please
understand, I had zero
attraction to your husband.
He is
out of your league.
Wouldn't have touched you with
a 10-foot pole, which he had,
by the way.
Trust is
broken, and maybe you are too.
Oh, maybe so.
Yeah.
In brighter news,
someone familiar with the play
has graciously thrown
his hat into the ring.
Oh, who, pray tell?
Rudie.
Oh, perfect.
We
felt it made sense.
Did ya?
Maybe tell Rudie that
actors are not hyenas
or whatever mythical
shit you ascribe to them.
They're just very stupid people.
I see.
Everything is the man's fault.
In this case, yes.
No,
look inward, Sam.
I do.
I go to therapy every
week with one of the best
therapists in this country.
And this is where it brought
me, this shitty fucking office.
I hated this job.
And this trophy, I've
been looking at it.
I fucking hate it.
Eh!
Gah!
Can't even
knock over a trophy.
I fucking
hate this place.
I quit.
You're fired.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]
Sam,
you finally made it.
How do you like my new office?
It's kind of gross.
These
are some of my buddies
who have also made mistakes.
You're one of us now,
one of the outcasts.
I'm sorry.
Are there no levels here?
Everyone's just clumped together
with me, a woman who had
a minor outburst at a theater?
Protesters
got you ruffled, huh?
I see you're wearing all black.
Are you in mourning
for your life?
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah.
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
It's over.
I'm out.
Rudie's directing.
Rudie?
He's great, very competent.
He has zero
directing experience.
But
he seems competent.
You know what I do when I
feel low, when I feel down?
I just meditate on all
those standing O's.
[SIGHS]
Oh, hey.
I have got some exciting news
in the Greggy Land department.
What?
I think I
finagled myself a gig with--
drum roll-- Nickelodeon.
What?
Maybe
I'll put in a word.
That would be
so huge for me right now
if you would really do that.
Got you.
Thanks.
Hey,
can I put my hands
on both sides of your butt?
I'm doing this book
about butt measurements.
And I think--
I'm an idiot.
Desperation, and you
smelled it on me.
Of course.
Don't salute me.
Fucking weirdos, you
ruin people's lives.
Hey, the
book is legit, all right?
And I'm serious
about Nickelodeon.
Sam!
Rudie rules.
I love him.
I love the confidence.
Sorry.
With
Rudie, it feels right.
I just have to say that.
It just does.
It's so automatic, so organic.
We're like Laurel and Hardy,
just two total freaks.
The
woman has lost power.
The man is in power.
And everyone is happy.
Rudie doesn't
care how people see him.
I like that.
You don't care about people.
That's my shit.
Yeah, he's a--
he's an alpha.
Objectively, that's
better for the play,
if you believe in objectivity.
I don't.
I'm going to go
be in Star's play.
She's special, you know?
She lets there be water
where Rudie is brick.
Can't build a house
with brick, but you
can build a lake with water.
I just realized I
have K in my pocket.
Why did I take over?
Why does a wild dog
attack a water buffalo?
It's not my fault Sam
is weak or like a mom.
Don't act like I'm the only
person who hates their mother.
Most people do.
Hmm.
They brought us into this mess.
What was the game plan?
I mean, literally everything
bad that happens to us
is their fault.
I'm a Republican.
[LAUGHS]
(SINGING) I don't need a
mother, one to call my own.
I don't need a mother;
the theater is my home.
[APPLAUSE]
[APPLAUSE]
[APPLAUSE]
The
best day of my life!
I realized
I don't like the arts.
It's extremely manic.
I love it here.
Everything is in its place.
There's order.
I'm content.
I'm finally content.
Finance, who knew?
And they say they may have a
full-time position opening up.
So we'll see.
But I'm very happy.
[PHONE RINGING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SINGER: (SINGING) Trying
to give you up-- fiasco.
When I'm not with you,
I'm in airplane mode.
Trying to give you up--
fiasco.
When I'm not with you, I'm
stuck in airplane mode.
Airplane mode, airplane mode,
airplane mode, airplane mode.
Had to give you up.
Didn't choose to.
I don't feel like me
when I'm not with you.
You will always come,
but you never stay.
We will always fall and
go our separate ways.
How did I start walking
down this lonely road?
Lonely road.
That will always take
me as I grow more alone.
I miss our contact.
I miss holding hands.
This be aching.
Trying to give you up-- fiasco.
When I'm not with you,
I'm in airplane mode.
Trying to give you up--
fiasco.
When I'm not with you, I'm
stuck in airplane mode.
In a silk robe drinking
coffee all alone.
You know nothing good
ever happens in my phone.
You know nothing good
ever happens in my phone.
I took a wrong turn
at a fork in the road.
Now I'm drinking
coffee in my silk robe.
Now I'm all alone drinking
coffee in my robe.
Oh!
Airplane mode.
I'm all alone, baby.
Trying give you up--
fiasco.
Ah!
When I'm not with you,
I'm in airplane mode.
Trying to give you up--
fiasco.
Can't give you up, baby!
When I'm not with you, I'm
stuck in airplane mode.
Airplane mode,
airplane mode, baby.
Trying to give you up--
fiasco.
When I'm not with you,
I'm in airplane mode.
Trying to give you up--
fiasco.
When I'm not with you, I'm
stuck in airplane mode.
Airplane mode, airplane mode,
airplane mode, airplane mode.
[SOBBING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
VOICEMAIL: The person
you are trying to reach--
SAM: Sam.
[COUGH]
Sam.
VOICEMAIL:--is
currently unavailable.
Please leave your
message after the beep.
[BEEP]
(OFF) MEG: Hey, Sam.
It's your mom.
Psych!
It's your therapist.
Don't get your hopes up.
I have to push our session.
I had some last minute shopping.
You're probably at your
little theater, so--
I don't know-- write some
more plays or something.
Bye-bye.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
SHELDON: Enter.
Come on in, Sam.
Sit down.
Well, I bet you're wondering,
oh, what's going on?
Yes, yes.
See,
that's theater--
palpable tension.
Um, are you
still doing my play?
Because I love writing plays
and being around actors.
[LAUGHS]
Of course,
rain's coming in.
Yes.
Here's the new draft.
Ah, great.
Well, you sure do love
Southerners, don't you?
They kind of
shoot from the hip in a way
that I respond to,
and in a way I kind
of wish I was more like that.
Greggy Thompson
was slated to direct.
The
great Greggy, yeah.
Was?
But
we have decided
that we want you, the scribe.
To direct?
No.
Yes.
Oh, no.
I'm not someone
who could do that.
I think that there's got
to be someone better.
I'm trying to think.
Um, Darlene O'Donnell?
She could be good.
She's
got a gig off-Broadway.
Oh, April
Slattery is really talented.
Had
a baby a week ago.
Sheldon, I'm
beginning to feel like I
wasn't your first choice here.
[LAUGHS]
[AWKWARD CHUCKLING]
Where's Greggy?
Greggy Schmeggy.
Just say yes!
It'll be magic to
have our first female
kick off our 29th season.
I mean, you can, you
know, recast all--
all ladies if you want.
Whatever.
Well,
that wouldn't work
because it's a family drama.
Oh, yes!
Yeah.
Of course, your
rate would double.
I accept.
Hallelujah.
That's great.
(ON) SAM: I accept.
OK.
You got to be confident.
Because these actors are hyenas.
And if you falter
in front of them,
it'll be your blood
dripping off their face fur.
OK, well, then I'll--
I'll become a lion.
I'll be like a mama lioness.
A
pack of hyenas can
easily tear apart a lioness.
But it's a good general
mindset to start out with.
Mama lion!
Rawr, rawr!
(ON) SHELDON: Oh, boy.
I'm a lion.
Rawr, rawr!
Yes.
This one.
That's me.
That's me, sir.
That's me.
You
work at that theater?
Yes, I do.
I'm a director.
No shit?
Actor.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, maybe you
could get me a job.
You're right.
Maybe I could.
Well, I
know where you live.
And I know your name.
I do not know how
to contact you.
And my driver
information does not
have any contact info for me.
So we may have to exchange--
I'm sure we'll
bump into each other
again because I'm
constantly taking Zooms.
This is
where you live, right?
Yeah, I
kind of usually--
we actually overshot it.
(ON) DRIVER: Oh.
I can take you right back there.
No, this is good.
I'll get out here.
Thank you.
Good
old brick and stucco.
[LAUGHS]
I know where you live.
Yeah, I put my
neighbors coordinates.
Coordinates?
You live next door?
Yeah, I
live in the area.
This one's just--
either are fine.
Bye!
Back to my place!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Guys, places, please.
Places.
All right, you in the
back, can you sit down?
Yes.
When the hand goes up,
whoop, everyone quiet.
I'm your director.
I'm a director.
I don't know how to describe
it except it's like I just
suddenly feel like I exist.
You got a gig.
Yes.
I'm happy.
How do you know?
Could I
be tricking myself?
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Do you hate yourself?
I mean,
sometimes I'm just like,
other people are better
than you, and you suck.
Yeah.
But hate?
I'm going to
put you down for yes.
OK.
But, you know,
therapy is crucial for you.
With your aloof parents, and
your loner mentality, and your
deep insecurities, you need it.
In other news-- and
yes, I too bear news--
I'm changing my billing
system to the Square.
And I don't want
you to be startled
at the end of our session,
so I'm letting you know now.
OK.
So you can
emotionally prepare.
[PHONE VIBRATES]
Oh.
Oh, it's from my theater.
It's a community meeting.
Damn, it's so soon.
I don't have on good makeup.
I just don't want to look mousy.
This is a big opportunity.
Oh, I have
a cosmetology license.
You do?
I could
do your makeup.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Mama lion.
[APPLAUSE]
What?
Gerald, come on.
Give me my light, will you?
Gerald, what are you doing?
Cut it out!
That
is the best bit.
Come on.
I sign your checks, Gerald!
[LAUGHS]
Ahem.
Thespians, ushers,
box office personnel,
costume designers,
stage managers, and yes,
even techies--
Fucking dick.
Stupid bitch.
It has
come to my attention
that our beloved
director, Greggy Thompson,
had non-traditional
relationships with cast members
in every play he directed.
Greggy is stepping down.
What?
OK.
Now I'm going to announce
Greggy's replacement.
She is a female, which
is just the medicine
we need right now--
Sam Clifford!
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, whoa.
Oh, no.
Gerald, where's my
spotlight action?
Let's dance, baby.
Ah, ah!
Come on.
OK.
We'll do it some other time.
I am Sam Clifford.
Hi, friends.
I know the mood is a
little iffy right now,
but I just want you to know
from the bottom of my heart,
I believe victims.
And that's what you are.
Sorry if I look crazy.
My therapist did my makeup.
Thank you very much.
I sound like Elvis.
Ah, getting in my head.
Thanks, guys.
I'm going to be a mama lion.
I'm going to protect you.
Rawr!
OK.
We'll see you soon.
Holy shit.
Hey, Sam.
Wait up.
Whoa, Greggy.
That was a
great speech back there.
Oh, thank you.
That means a lot.
Yeah, I just kind of had
to make it up on the spot,
but I was happy with it.
(ON) GREGGY: Hey, listen.
Walk and talk with
me for a second.
I keep my car parked down
here so she don't get dinged.
I can see you as a director.
You do?
Of course.
You're super duper.
You are a very
special person, OK?
You know that.
Right, kid?
I think I do, yeah.
She is my stingray.
Yeah.
Look.
You're going to make theater.
That's the dream.
Right?
I lost my dream because of some
bad judgment or some bad luck.
Really, some vindictive phonies.
The point is, I'm here for you.
Hey, I'm damn good.
I can teach you to
get standing O's.
Mm-hmm.
You know what?
Thank you, but I kind of
want to find my own way.
Silly.
Why don't you grab
a coffee with me?
I mean, what-- what's the
worst that can happen?
I got a cool car.
Why don't you hop in?
It is so cool.
God.
Maybe I could just sit
in it for a second.
No, I can't do this.
I got to go.
I got to sleep.
I got to eat.
I got a table read
tomorrow, Greggy.
OK.
Well, text me.
All right.
Bye, Greggy.
[DRUM BEATING]
I say we
do another musical, guys.
Rawr!
Rawr, rawr, rawr!
Mama lion reporting
for den duty.
Hey, twin.
Check the lips.
Hmm?
Marjorie,
that's an exact match.
That's crazy.
It's not crazy.
It's flattering.
Anyhow, so by now
we've all read the script.
We know it's about a small town.
But what is it really about?
It's
about all of us.
Is it about Detroit?
It's-- it's human.
It's universal.
Come on,
the universal Southern
experiences that we were--
that's what we're doing?
Rain's coming in.
What is rain?
What is it?
Rain, rain is water.
It's viscous.
It's molecular H2O.
Mm-hmm.
Good.
It cleanses
but also makes mud.
Phones down, OK?
Let's
open the damn script.
Rain's Coming
In, written by Sam Clifford,
directed by Sam Clifford!
[LAUGHS]
That's my girl.
No relation
to me, Sheldon Clifford.
Only met her mom once!
I swear I did nothing.
You fucked her mom?
No.
Uh-oh.
No.
No, I did not.
Here we go.
Act 1.
Mama Jean's rural home.
Mama Jean enters
in robe smoking.
Opens newspaper, smacks it.
Humph!
Thunder, lightning.
Mama looks outside.
Rain's coming in.
It's raining
drops the size of gumballs.
Cooper,
you got a hard heart.
It ain't our fault you
drink to get through a day!
I'm daddy, but
I'm a dead fucking ghost daddy.
W-- why,
Cooper, you're drunk.
You are too, mama.
So don't you dare!
No,
she ain't, Cooper!
Lillie Mae,
mama's little lapdog!
Now, listen, here,
if you love the wild, the wild
love you back, boy.
Dinner's
ready, potatoes
whipped high like mountains.
There's enough food here
to feed a firehouse.
Mama, we ought to invite Buck.
Lillie Mae's sweet on him.
Lillie Mae
screams and collapses
in the door, holding Buck.
Oh, Buck, the
father of the unborn baby!
Oh, God, this is worse
than porridge on ice!
Yes, I'm pregnant, y'all.
Lights dim,
rain sound, end of play.
It's really good.
Really sad, right?
Sad story.
Yeah, it was great.
I'd just go a little
longer, chica.
No, it was long.
I think like a director.
You
know, I love it.
I'm obsessed with it.
But there are three funerals.
There are also 20
monologues back to back.
Imagine-- imagine
fucking but you're
climaxing the entire time.
Don't
have to imagine.
Corden,
your ghost character
scared the shit out of me.
And I say that as someone
who's been stabbed six times.
By six
different people?
Four.
Should we focus, or
is this good for camaraderie?
OK,
monstrous read, everybody.
Just a little over three hours.
Thank you, everyone.
Beautiful work.
Email me if you want to
meet for one-on-ones!
Well, that was amazing.
(ON) SHELDON: It--
It was.
It was.
And did you see this?
Glendale Post, "Sam
Clifford to direct.
First-time female
director poised to helm
show at the Regis Theater."
Front page!
Incredible.
Ooh, la la la.
Mm-hmm.
Sam.
Yeah.
Hey.
Just looking at this
little write-up that I got.
Oh wow.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
I'm so excited
that you're getting to direct.
I am too.
The whole
time I've worked
here, it's always been men.
So just seeing you
walk through that door
today in this new position
was really powerful.
Thank you.
I'm inspired.
Thank you.
I've been trying
to do a little writing myself.
Really?
Yeah, but I'm
really visual and abstract.
I'm-- I'm scared it
might be my downfall.
Well, if I could
give you some advice, um,
I would say have fun with it.
Because if you're
not, they won't.
Well, us two girls, we
got to stick together.
That glass ceiling is no joke.
Yeah, and my
glass ceiling is blocking
me from getting up to yours.
So--
[LAUGHS] That part.
Anyway, I got
to do a little work.
All right.
Today, I've
brought in some coaches
from all over Glendale who
are going to help you think
about how to refine your work.
OK?
What is acting?
Rudie, where are you from?
Florida.
(ON) TEACHER: OK, Rudie.
I want this to come
out of your dick.
I want you to really
just, like, say it.
OK?
Florida!
(ON) RUDIE: I'm from Florida!
Can we get
another one out of you?
That's my friend.
Let's get the whole shaft.
I'm from Florida!
(ON) TEACHER: More.
Put the balls in.
I'm from Florida!
Yes, yes!
Put your hands--
(ON) CORDEN: From Iowa.
I'm from Hollywood!
You put
both titties in there!
You're
fucking seals,
just throwing little anchovies
out for you to catch.
Ar, ar, ar, ar!
Are you saying
that like a good thing or?
No, I'm saying it
like that's what being an actor
is.
Uh-huh.
Acting
is not something I do.
I'm 28.
You can definitely
play older or younger.
How old are you?
Yeah.
I
also do training.
I'm a trainer as well.
Down, and back.
You want us all
running at the same time?
All
at the same time.
Just
do what he says.
Do you know
were Flappers Comedy Club is?
(ON) DAVINA: Yes.
I live in
one of the apartments
right above that.
Wow.
How did
you get a place there?
I do
stand-up comedy.
Wait.
So the rundown is you do
stand-up, personal training,
and acting coaching?
(OFF) TEACHER: Yes.
What's
your bread-winner,
though, out of the three?
I make my most
money working at Squeakers.
Hi.
Say hi.
OK, hi.
Oh my God.
Is World War III coming?
Hi.
See?
So let's try it again.
Thank you.
Because I really felt
like you really meant it.
It's different.
(OFF) DAVINA: I got chills.
There
are differences.
How do you
get out of your own head?
I feel like so often
I'm my greatest block.
I thought you
said, I migrate as block.
That's
what I thought.
SAM: I thought she
said, I migrate as block.
OK,
and what if she did?
What if she did?
Everything is right except
for what you're feeling.
Food.
OK?
If your character is not
eating, the heart's not beating.
The-- the sound can come
out of your mouth, but--
I didn't
even know you had that.
Brad
Pitt has never
said a line on or off camera
without something in his mouth.
I just got chills.
Denzel Washington
would not be Denzel Washington
without a pocketful of peanuts.
Always going.
You can see his mouth going.
Who are you waiting to be?
You have a bathroom in
here on the premises?
Yeah.
How far?
SAM: Get out.
We don't know him.
We don't know him.
Come on out.
TEACHER: I'm
doing all right.
(OFF) SAM: We don't--
It's
too much fruit.
We were all
shocked you were directing.
It felt
like time, you know?
It felt right.
Huge jump.
I wanted to talk about
our vision for Cooper.
Do you see him as gay?
(ON) SAM: Do you him to be?
No.
Well, I'm not mommy.
What's your vision?
Mommy?
It's a funny word.
Mine actually split
when I was six.
A lot of the mama lion
thing you've been doing, um,
it's just a lot for me.
I'm so sorry.
(ON) RUDIE: Oh, my God.
I did not know.
(ON) RUDIE: No, stop.
I went to a fun boarding
school and got over it fast.
And, you know, I just
kind of realized,
like, why am I
taking it so personal
that my mom abandoned me?
Right.
Yeah, and, Rudie,
I hope you're not
nervous about this production.
I know it's
challenging material,
but you're a super duper actor.
And you're really great.
You know that, right?
Don't try
that greeky shit with me.
It's not you.
Anyway, thanks for
giving me free rein.
Yeah.
You know,
you seem scared.
Sometimes the best thing
you can do is just admit it.
People really respect honesty.
Coffee?
Oh, my god.
Oh, it's too hot.
It's too hot to--
oh.
Bye.
SAM: So notecard 72--
nope 71.
Sorry about that.
So this is Elizabeth Cary.
To anyone who guessed,
that's correct.
Elizabeth Cary, she
penned the first play
written by a woman in 1613.
She had 11 kids, and
she still created.
That's grit.
OK, I'm going to hang this.
I'll get one of the
guys to hang it.
We made it through
this many notecards.
Corn on the cob.
Nya-nya.
You guys have been amazing to
just stick it out this long.
And I want to admit
something to you.
I'm scared right now.
I was scared this
morning getting ready.
I'm scared to lead.
Sometimes it's good to say that.
DAVINA: [LAUGHS]
What?
I'm doing
a panties giveaway.
My panties, I wear them.
And then I give them away.
(ON) SAM: Pantie?
It's
like a sponsor thing.
There's some shit on them,
so they sell for more.
Not my shit.
[BEEP]
My love?
(ON) SAM: Yeah.
My kid sister,
I mentioned her to you, right?
She's a single mom?
Yeah, she's having
some child care issue.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
So I told her I'd
watch my niece.
I mean, you get it?
Single mom, child care issues?
Yeah.
I'm trying to think how
we could make it work.
Maybe she could
sit off to the side
and do her homework
or something?
I don't know, but we
should talk about it.
When is this?
Right now.
Come on in, honey.
She-- she said you have
to sit in the corner.
SAM: No, I'm saying
like, I just feel like then
you'd have your own space.
Yeah, you can grab that chair.
[VIOLIN MUSIC]
[CHAIR SCRAPING]
She seems so sad.
RUDIE: Unforgivable.
(OFF) CLARA: It's hard to see.
Welcome.
So--
[RINGTONE]
My boy Zac.
What's up?
Yeah, hey, Efron, baby.
What's up, brother?
Wait
are-- are you serious?
It's actually Zac Efron?
CORDEN: Yeah,
you little bitch.
What up?
Now we got
rid of him, we can get
to the infamous notecard 72.
What's the diaphragm?
Where is it?
You know, I'm going
to take over because I think
you're going to confuse them.
And it's better if I
just, like, read this one.
Um, it's just an area that
I have a lot of expertise
and passion around, which is
the diaphragm, which is actually
connected to the pelvic floor.
So if you have a
scrotum, for example,
tighten that, kind of--
OK,
there's a kid, just
reminding you, the scrotum.
Oh,
I'm fine with that.
It's good to not attach
shame to those words.
Let it spread around the anus.
Interesting choice for director.
I'm all for a woman
in charge, completely.
But like, kind of please
be a different one.
Please.
At
least a woman that
won't let Marjorie's niece just
barge into the rehearsal space.
That was insane.
That was crazy.
Wait.
Who am I?
Hoo, hoo.
Scared Samantha.
Oh, I
just dislike her.
Look at these notecards!
My name is Sam.
I have a lot riding on this.
I hope I get a big, fancy--
Wait, what is that?
SIMON: Where
are you looking?
Oh.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Great rehearsal today.
Great job.
Thank you.
It was amazing.
Just
waiting for a Zoomer.
Yeah.
I'm just
going to Zoom on out.
[CHATTERING]
Bye, Clara.
Bye.
Hey, Corden.
Yeah, see you.
Hey.
(ON) SAM: Hey.
You have a
good first rehearsal?
Yeah, it
was really good.
It was so good today.
OK.
(ON) SAM: Bye.
See you later.
MARJORIE: Whoa,
a hand-drawn map.
"Hey, let's meet
at Griffith Park.
Fun rehearsal time."
CLARA: I know the spot.
Follow me.
Come on.
Yeah,
I'll catch up later.
I'll meet you guys there.
I just got to go
get a couple Jamocha
shakes for me and my mom.
Be really
disappointing if you
didn't come.
Be really disappointing
if you didn't.
Oh my God.
My doctor.
I have it.
[GIGGLES]
[BIRD CALLING]
Hey, hey.
Hello, thespians.
Hi.
Just squatting
on this old tree
stump, communing with nature,
practicing my bird call.
[BIRD CALLING]
You're not dealing with that
uptight robot Sam Bird anymore.
I had an epiphany.
I got to loosen up.
So let's loosen up!
Woo!
So let's hike.
Oh!
Ah.
So let's hike and--
ooh.
Got me.
So let's hike and shout
lines into the wind.
I didn't
bring my hiking shoes.
Me neither.
Well, we weren't
born in shoes, were we?
So Davina,
like, totally bailed.
And where's Corden?
Ooh, I do have
a little announcement
on that front.
Corden landed a role in
the Magic Mike prequel.
Oh.
(ON) CLARA: He got out.
So we're
completely fucked.
Do not worry.
He has given me his word, he
will be back for previews.
Woo!
Yes!
RUDIE: Sam, is the
trail at least short?
The
trail is not short.
It's very steep and rigorous.
MARJORIE:
What do you mean?
I'll wait for you.
My
shoes are made of felt.
SAM: Everyone's
accents could improve,
so let's really try to watch--
I don't know-- old Southern
movies or something.
Sam, Sam, Sam.
You know I respect
your vision, but what--
what the hell does this
have to do with acting?
I'm just confused.
I want to understand.
You'll understand as
it goes deeper in your soul.
Simon DiCaprio, hit us.
I bought
poison from the apothecary.
Ow!
I hurt my damn ankle.
Are you all right?
MARJORIE: Oh.
[SCREAMING]
[RATTLING]
RUDIE: Why
are we even here?
Don't worry.
I'm going to just cock
that shit right back in--
Wait, wait, wait.
My ankle is double-jointed.
What's new is the scratch.
SAM: Oh.
Come on.
Oh.
[VOCALIZING]
(SINGING) Home
again, home again, jiggity jig.
All right, we're back.
And it's rain day.
Rain, rain, don't go away.
Is the rain rig ready?
Oh, you betcha.
Should I fire it up?
(ON) SAM: One second.
Joseph.
It's-- it's time
to run the rain.
Joseph, we're going
to do the rain.
You have earplugs
in or something?
Earbuds.
I listen to music
while I make kill lists
of people I want fucking dead.
All right, Joseph.
All right.
Well, it's the
gray, dreary morning
of grandpappy's funeral.
And here he lays, right?
Here lays grandpappy.
The rain is going to come on.
You will get wet.
There's plenty of towels
over here for after.
I brought a bunch of props.
Come on up and grab some.
Whoa!
We got a hat.
We got an umbrella.
We got a poncho.
We got a something.
Have at it.
I'm
going to go ahead
and snatch this little
rainslicker right here.
I'll
take the flowers.
I'll
take the umbrella.
That's actually
bad luck, Macbeth.
[LAUGHS]
Macbeth, Macbeth!
Oh, great.
Well, I'll just use this--
something that my character
would absolutely never wear.
RUDIE: Cute.
(ON) CLARA: It's cute.
This isn't even bad taste.
It's the complete
absence of taste.
Clara, that's
actually hurting my feelings.
That my personal hat
that I brought from home
to share with you guys.
It's neither
here nor there, Sam.
Oh, come on.
These kids don't know style.
We're in our brew.
Oh, mama, mama, mama, mama.
Kind of taste
what you had for breakfast.
All right.
Yeah, we better get going.
Let's get into the piece, OK?
Let's see what we got here.
All right.
So you're sad.
You're at a funeral.
You're sad.
Everyone's feeling down.
Grandpappy is gone.
Davina, remember you're sad?
Yeah.
He's dead, right?
So grandpappy, no!
Grandpappy, no!
All right,
we'll take it.
Grandpappy
is my grandpappy, right?
Oh, no, no.
Your grandpappy would have died
a long, long, long, long time
ago.
No, but I'm
playing mama like 34, 35.
She's
going to be high 60s
and early 70s at the very, very
youngest, I'm going to say.
Yeah.
All right, guys,
Marjorie, lead us in.
Woo!
OK.
Sky's darkening,
clouds getting heavy.
We best say our final goodbyes
to dear old grandpappy,
lest we get caught in
a hard, driving rain.
Grandpappy!
Oh, no.
We're so sad.
MARJORIE: Dead and gone.
[SOBBING]
Is it
raining way too hard?
Turn it down, Sam!
OK.
RUDIE: We
look like a joke!
[METALLIC CRASH]
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
It's
a hot, hot house.
This is supposed
to be extremely hot.
I'm swimming.
Why is there so much rain?
I'm sorry!
[SHOUTING]
The rain is
most definitely coming in.
Ah!
[GRUNTING]
[SHOUTING]
The Regis
is wet, wet, wetter.
We don't care over here
about climate change, honey.
We're doing a wet
t-shirt contest, dude.
Davina, knock it off!
Wet t-shirt,
wet t-shirt contest.
My boobies are so wet!
Stop showing
your chest, please!
You're
slut-shaming them!
What is going on?
Hey, a little
water experiment setback.
Sam, cast,
I'd like you to meet
Miles and Thimberly Paris.
They are very generous
donors to our little theater.
Oh, well,
what an honor.
Thank you.
We love the Regis.
CLARA: You're kind.
And I
put my money where
my mouth is with the arts.
Here, here.
It
makes me feel better
about my undeserved wealth.
Well, I love to stand
right here with all
of you actors, theater
people, here in the green room
together.
Well, it's-- it's energizing.
This is the green room, right?
I'm saying that right?
Well, technically,
it's known as the house.
Ah.
What a letdown.
But it
is like a green room.
It really is.
Is it?
It isn't.
No?
I have
a friend in textiles
who would love her
fabric, Alabama jazz,
to be incorporated into the set.
Oh!
[CLAPPING]
But after
today, I don't know.
Isn't
that fabric exquisite?
MARJORIE: Stunning.
(ON) THIMBERLY: All right.
Well, we'll get out
of your wet hair.
[LAUGHTER]
Hey.
(ON) STAR: Hey.
Hey, are you OK?
Yeah.
Um, I'm good.
Yeah.
It's a little harder than I
thought, but it's been good.
OK.
Yeah, see, I've been struggling
to get this play I wrote
produced, so it's kind of
comforting to know it's
no cakewalk for you either.
No, there's
like hot coals.
My feet are burnt.
Ow.
Blisters.
Oh.
And I'm treading on--
Sam?
Yeah.
Can I grab you?
Uh-huh.
All right.
You are
alarmingly behind schedule.
And I bit my tongue when
you harbored a minor
and when you held
rehearsal in a tree,
but this water
debacle was wretched.
It's bad.
Yeah.
Would it help if
I sat in the room?
I mean, it's tricky because
I want you to be yourself.
But the blueprint for
what works here is Greggy.
You know, he could go
mad dog if he needed to
or-- or morph into
a trusted friend.
Yeah, he was always
flipping out on people.
Yeah.
And then, like,
really weird and intimate.
Yeah.
(ON) SAM: I'll try that.
You do not have to sit
in rehearsals, my friend.
I am excellent at
reading people.
Trust me.
[BANGING ON LID]
Morning, Sam.
Davina, are you
going to post about the show?
No.
[BANGING ON LID]
Good morning.
CLARA: Hey.
Clara, how's your mom?
She's good.
Miss that old girl.
Marjorie, you look cool today!
Oh, thanks.
Want this jacket?
I don't,
but thank you so much.
That's so generous.
Right off your back.
Uh, who else we got in here?
Davina!
Rocking a cool new headband.
I like it.
(ON) DAVINA: Thank you, girl.
I got it from a company
in exchange for a post.
Exciting
creative relationship!
Simon's over there
nursing a coffee
like it's his best friend.
Mm-hmm.
What's
your go-to order?
What is it?
I usually
like an Americano
with some agave in it.
All right,
enough chit-chat!
Everybody down!
[BANGING ON LID]
[SHOUTING]
Sam!
Have we replaced a male
predator with a female disaster?
That's
a false equivalency!
Learn your blocking!
Knock it off.
You're making us
all really uncomfortable, girl.
Is this uncomfortable?
Ka-blam!
Yeah.
You shot her.
Blocking charts.
Ever heard of them?
You're going to want
to memorize those.
SIMON:
Throwing shit at us?
That'll help you
know where you're standing.
Yeah, I don't
know how we memorize a picture.
XTR to US of table?
Cross down
right to upstage of table.
Clara, so
there is a little brain
knocking around in there.
Ping, pong, poom, pom, poom pop.
Good.
Wow.
We cue to cue in 20!
[BANGS ON LID]
Thank you, 20.
(ON) SIMON: I'm taking a shit.
I'm not dealing with this.
I have
a medical migraine.
She
was provoking me.
Sam is out
of her goddamn mind.
[BANGING ON LID]
Stay in the room!
The doors are locked.
Everybody
learn your lines,
your lines and blocking.
If you would have gotten
that, then none of this
ever would have happened!
[TRANQUIL MUSIC]
[BANGING ON LID]
How's
everyone feeling?
You've been working
pretty hard out here.
I appreciate it.
Does anyone need anything,
a cup of tea or something?
RUDIE: No.
No?
Everyone know all your marks?
You feel good, feel solid?
No one's talking to me?
Let's play ball.
Let's run it.
Oh my god.
Hey, wait.
You're supposed to
take it off on me.
You
got to scoot back.
You got to scoot back.
Houston,
we have a problem.
Very out of sync.
You guys are improving like
LA traffic is improving.
It ain't.
It's very wooden.
Where's the camaraderie?
Have you ever met before?
Do you know each other?
Just stop, OK?
We're not robots!
We're a bunch of people,
just kind of hanging
out and living our lives.
You know, doing what humans
do, having millions of feelings
like little tea
candles, which you're
snuffing out every single one.
You want us to create?
You want us to protect our fire?
We cannot because of you!
So why don't you stop
being fake nice to us
and then yelling at us?
Boom, dude!
Come on, get a lifestyle.
It's ridiculous, Sam!
[SOBBING]
All right, what
are you doing right now?
I'm sorry.
Are you filming yourself crying?
Yeah,
people do that now.
They film themselves, like,
crying or at the hospital
and then post with
no explanation.
SIMON: You
should put a filter on.
Oh my god!
This
is our craft, Sam.
It's kind
of a bummer, dude.
This feel like we
work at, like, Amazon.
SAM: Amazon?
Simon?
Really?
Amazon.
Yes, Sam.
OK, I'm--
I'm getting a lot of big
feelings off everyone.
I'm-- I'm riding
these waves with you.
And I got to tell you, I knew
today was going to be hard.
I knew that.
So I got you a treat
it's right over there.
What is it?
SAM: That's a
box full of donuts.
And each donut in there has
one of your names on it.
Do you think
we're little children?
You're
not going to like
my answer, which is you are
acting like a bunch of brats
right now.
(ON) SIMON: Whoa!
(OFF) CLARA: Oh, my god.
That's it?
Sam, we quit.
OK.
Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Quitting as in
shuttering the show?
Maybe she
can change, you know?
She can't.
Is this serious?
OK, we need to talk.
This whole situation has
gotten very out of hand.
MARJORIE: Yeah.
All right, this
is a little runaway train.
I think we need to talk
through some of our issues
and make it right.
We're certainly not
going to stop the show.
Don't be sheeple!
Follow me.
Oh, great.
Just like your mom
walked out on you, right?
[WHISTLES]
Oh my God.
CLARA: Whoa.
(ON) SIMON: That was crazy, bro.
DAVINA: Tsk-tsk.
(ON) SIMON: I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry.
Sam, you got to do better.
That was wild.
MARJORIE: Low blow, Sam.
Guys.
I'm sorry, Sam.
You're
not cut out for this.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Come on, let's talk.
Come on.
Come back.
Rudie, come back!
Don't-- please.
Gerald, don't fucking
dim the lights, man!
Work with me, Gerald!
[SOBBING]
Did you have an
abortion like a few years ago?
Was that you?
No.
Oh, you wanted
to freeze your eggs,
and you couldn't afford it.
More chardonnay?
Yes, yes.
Yessiree, Bob, I will
take more, please.
Me too.
I'm going to have
to put mine in a doggy bag.
Oh, why?
I have to go.
I have a date in 20 minutes.
And it's at the racetrack,
which is 35 minutes away.
So you do the math.
Racetrack?
Listen.
Have a blast tonight.
Life is a non-stop party,
or you're doing it wrong.
Got it?
(ON) SAM: Yeah.
Good.
Hang in there.
Thank you.
You're the best.
Thanks for
paying for my drink.
Gosh,
I love that girl.
Oh, hey.
I just thought of a joke.
What do horses drink?
Um, Chardon-neigh?
Yeah.
You got it on the first try.
Hey.
Hi.
Oh.
Hi.
I feel like I know you,
but I'm like wee, wee, wee.
I should really go home.
Oh, no.
That'd be sad.
Why?
Well,
because I just got here.
Oh.
You
had a rough day?
My boss is in here.
He's in your phone?
I had 17 missed
calls from my boss.
My boss, he says no.
Maybe he was
calling with 17 compliments?
[CHUCKLES] I wish!
Hey, you know what?
I thought of a joke.
(ON) SAM: Hmm.
You
want to hear it?
Yeah.
What
do horses drink?
Oh my God, no!
You heard that?
I'm sorry.
Oh my God.
You're so bad.
You stole my joke!
[LAUGHS]
You scared me.
You're brilliant.
Where did you come from?
I don't know.
Heaven.
Maybe that's why I'm
wearing a white jean jacket.
SAM: I definitely
do believe in angels.
I do.
I'm going to say
something to you right now.
You're one of the
most beautiful women
I've ever seen in my life.
You're stunning.
Thanks.
Hold on.
Don't move.
I said, don't move.
Sorry.
I know.
It's hard.
Ow!
You're hot.
Ah, thanks.
Man, who are you?
Who are you?
You're so alert.
Let's go.
Where?
I want
you to see my house.
It's an apartment.
Oh.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Morning.
[GIGGLING]
Oh my goodness.
Humans, wow.
We're just animals.
We're fucking.
Animals.
Totally.
Yeah.
Hey.
Uh, I want to do
Cooper in the play.
How do you
even know my play?
Because I'm Robbie.
I'm the head usher at the Regis.
What?
Come on.
You knew that, right?
I did not know that.
Then you should know
the play's shut down.
Yeah, I know.
What a better time to recast?
Look, I don't want to
be an usher forever.
I-- I've got aspirations too.
I mean, look at you.
You were a scuzzy
little playwright,
and now you're a director.
Kind of.
Let me take a
crack at the Cooper monologue
from the final act,
from the final scene.
Please Ahem.
OK.
I killed daddy.
It was me.
I should have never taken him
down to that watering hole
by the mining company.
I'm going to stop you.
Um, I don't think that
you're Regis material.
I like you.
I think you're so
awesome and cool.
Bullshit.
What'd you say?
I said bullshit.
You know what?
I don't think you're
girlfriend material.
How do you feel about that?
Wait.
I thought we connected.
Nothing to see here!
Just a woman screwing
her underling.
That is a stretch!
Who reports to her!
Stretch!
Whatever
you say, boss.
Shut up!
I-- I didn't even recognize him.
Burn.
Also, I was extremely
drunk, and he was not.
Then that
would be assault.
OK, by
that definition,
I have been assaulted
hundreds of times.
Sometimes
you have to buff
the veneer off the
status quo and lay
bare the truth beneath it.
But-- but you're a writer.
You must do that all
the time in your work.
Hey, give me
back my white jean jacket!
Here you
go, you stupid idiot!
Be careful!
[SIGHS] We got 15
minutes left in our sesh, bro.
What do you want to talk about?
What hurts the most?
That you didn't
succeed, that you
were a female pawn for the
patriarchy set up to fail?
Is it my drinking?
Is it our drinking?
No.
Oh, it's the usher, right?
Dude, it's the usher.
He got you hot in the loins,
then he left you for dead?
What, is it Sheldon?
I mean, who cares about Sheldon?
What, are you afraid to
return Sheldon's phone calls?
You know, you always adopt
this childlike mentality
with powerful men.
Is it the square?
Because I need to bust it
out so you can remit payment.
What kind of
therapist babbles like this?
Are you a gumshoe?
Are you on cocaine again?
Are you using?
I don't even
know what you mean by that.
I think
you're on cocaine.
And I don't think we
should have sessions when
you're [CLICKS] on the [CLICK].
So you don't
want to use the Square or?
Here.
Here.
Fuck the Square.
Here.
You want money so bad?
There.
And I am not scared of Sheldon.
That's actually ridiculous.
You should be ashamed
of that theory.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Sheldon.
Where
have you been?
I'm treading water here.
I couldn't handle
the mutiny, obviously.
All
actors want is to act.
All day they're dying
to get back here
to be anyone but themselves.
You somehow made them
prefer their own lives
to the land of make-believe?
I mean, that's impressive, Sam.
Can you just
help me get Rudie to fold?
He blocked my number.
No, I will
not take on your drama.
Please
just help me out.
It's your theater.
I will
not take on your drama!
Look, what's behind
every powerful man?
A family with money?
A woman
who gains power by proxy.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[RINGING DOORBELL]
Clara.
Come on, man.
Open the door.
Open the door!
God, Sam.
Hey.
I'm not
supposed to talk to you.
But you kind
of want to, don't you?
Well, I don't.
'Sup?
A lot of bowls.
Hmm.
I'd be careful.
You're on really thin ice.
Am I?
So life is good, then?
Having fun following a
male-led mutiny against
a first-time female director?
My God.
Sam, don't embrace those labels.
They're not
labels, they're facts.
I have a vagina, no?
I don't know.
Fact--
you have one too.
Fact-- you and your vagina took
me and my vagina for granted.
And you and your vagina left
me and my vagina for dead.
I'm
really uncomfortable
with the direction this
conversation is going.
Are you?
Because I thought
you loved the body.
I do.
SAM: And I thought you
loved medical terminology.
I do.
You turned
your back on me.
And now you and me are
sitting here with our fucking
dicks in our hands.
We got nothing to do.
Fuck.
You're right.
Fucking Rudie.
He's projecting his
mother onto you.
It's not fair.
You're completely childless.
He doesn't
go to therapy.
I bet he doesn't do
anything like that.
He doesn't
do any work on himself.
I do so much work
on myself, Sam.
I'm so scared of
losing the show.
We won't.
We're going to get
it back, Clara.
Yeah.
You have to talk to him.
OK.
The show must go on.
Yes.
The show must go on!
It has to.
God,
he does this to me.
He does this to everyone.
That's what a star does.
You're a star too.
Do you
really think so?
I hate how much I needed
to hear that from you.
Never forget that.
Also, full
disclosure, I fucked Greggy.
It was something I had to do.
I'm glad you came.
Me you.
(ON) CLARA: Thought you might.
Vag-- vag you came.
Vag you came.
I was nervous.
Yeah.
(ON) SAM: Look.
I think I'm--
(ON) CLARA: Oh my God.
I was so nervous.
Yeah.
God.
See, he always finds
these cushy jobs.
Here we are.
Where?
There.
Oh.
Hey, Rudie.
You're looking great, bud.
I am so sorry that you had to
sit there and watch me struggle
through my learning curve.
It wasn't fair to you, no
matter how imbalanced the scales
of gender are in directing.
Stick to the script.
But, Rudie, the
show must go on, right?
You should have
thought about that before you
went ballistic in
a tech rehearsal
and turned my life's
passion into a chore!
Rudie, you hate chores
because your mother turned
love itself into a chore.
But I am not her, I promise you.
And you cannot let those
ancient feelings stop our show.
You don't belong
here shilling fast fashion.
OK?
It's crass.
She's right.
You are one of the
best damn actors
I have ever laid eyes on.
You belong on the stage!
The show must go on.
The
commute is better.
(SINGING) The show must go on!
(SINGING) The show must go on.
The show must go on.
Oh, this feels good!
Yes.
(ON) CLARA: It does feel good.
I have to admit it.
It feels good.
I'm in.
Amazing!
I'll rally the cast.
Wait.
Was there an earthquake today?
No, I don't think so.
Oh, weird.
It looks like you got
ready during an earthquake.
We are back!
We are Back!
Rain's coming in.
Rain's coming in!
I am hungry!
Oh, man.
Sam, aren't you always
hungry at this age?
I'm like, oh!
Oh, I missed you guys.
I love you!
Being here in
this group, I missed that.
I missed feeling the room.
I missed hearing
language, staying
alert, going what's that?
What's my line, and
then knowing that it was
already in me the whole time.
You all
missed each other.
Got it!
Yeah.
We fiddled with the
pressure balancing valve.
It should keep the rain
temperature from fluctuating.
Great, guys.
Nice adjustment.
Yeah.
That way you can't
get severely burned.
Cool beans.
It's
pretty cool beans!
Why do you
say it so high like that?
Why do you
say it so high like that?
Shut up!
All right.
All right, guys.
This production
is a total fucking heat roller.
Not sure what
that means, guys, but let's
keep our--
Is heat
roller good or bad?
Keep our
thoughts up there, OK?
We're trying to focus down here.
We've got a big job ahead.
Yeah, drinks later.
Love you.
Great to
see you guys again.
Fuck off!
Let's shake that off.
You guys, I promised you
a treat once, didn't I?
Well, today is the day
that treat is back--
a bajillion donuts.
Hello.
Oh my god.
I love donuts!
They make me so happy.
Cast donuts, huh?
Typical.
Robbie, enter stage right.
Robbie, don't.
Sugar can
cause complications
that ultimately result in
death, inflammation, diabetes.
Come on, man.
One donut
could realistically
feed up to 10 people.
What in God's
name are you doing?
And what's the accent?
What is this?
He's
taking two donuts!
Exeunt Robbie.
You know, a lot
of different personalities
in here, but let's just
keep the energy up.
Yoo hoo.
Oh, Thimberly.
You slipped in undetected.
That's what
I said to Miles last night.
[LAUGHTER]
Good news, gang.
We got Alabama jazz.
Hurray!
Alabama jazz!
Amazing.
Really
punctures the eyes.
Hey, gal.
Do you want to see our
curtain call or what?
Yeah, a little curtain
call showcase for Thimberly.
Come right this way.
And--
Oh, look at this.
Oh.
Oh, my friends.
I believe we're
ready for previews.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Miles and
I would like to invite you
all over for a cautiously
celebratory dinner tomorrow
night at 3:30.
Yes!
MARJORIE: I accept.
Will
there be lobster?
Miles
does all the cooking.
Well, that's such a
wonderful invite, Thimberly.
Dress sharp.
(OFF) MARJORIE: Wow.
OK.
Oh, a 3:30 dinner?
No ripped jeans.
MARJORIE: Oh, I say.
(ON) CLARA: I dare say.
Are we
at Buckingham Palace?
I feel
like I'm in London.
Act like
you've been there before.
Look at this house.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
Thimberly and Miles?
SAM: Yes.
SIMON: Yes.
It's that
house over there.
Yeah, the small one.
Over there.
Yeah, there's a path.
Open your eyes.
Take the path.
Just take the path and go.
All right.
WOMAN: Are you stupid?
Go down the path.
This way!
(OFF) WOMAN: Just keep walking.
Oh, hi.
Careful
on that top step.
Guess it's down here.
MILES: Come on down.
MARJORIE: I want
to go to that house.
Would
anyone like more beans?
I dream of beanie.
Did you just
say, I dream of beanie?
Oh my God.
Beyond
my wildest beans.
You
know, it's so funny.
We thought you lived up
in the large, white house.
The
mansion up on the hill,
the big, white mansion.
But we're not there.
No.
How else do you think we
would accumulate wealth?
Ah.
(ON) MILES: We scrimp, we save.
We live below our means in the
guest house of our own mansion.
Why
don't people do that?
And a
TikToker lives in our mansion.
I love TikTok.
And
this is Sugar Belle.
She lives under the table.
[LAUGHTER]
Would anyone like
some more water?
Hmm.
Thank you.
You know, your art
here is so evocative.
DAVINA: Oh, yes.
Really, though.
The horse, kind of classic
symbol of aristocracy.
I
love the back legs.
Pardon me.
Sheldon intimated
that perhaps you lot
had skipped some
rehearsals and were
squandering our investment.
THIMBERLY:
Don't start, Miles.
It is a fair
line of inquiry, Thimberly.
It was
a creative decision.
(On) SAM: Yeah.
We needed to take
a beat, come back to it fresh.
Young man,
that's a waste of our funds.
Miles,
can I just ask, is
that your actual
shoulder muscle,
or is that a shoulder pad?
Can I--
Oh.
Oh my God.
Wow, Miles.
It's a muscle.
Oh!
Muscle,
muscle, muscle.
Hercules.
My secret is I
don't eat breakfast or lunch.
And then for dinner--
almost nothing.
And then you have to
keep moving all the time.
Never stop moving and stay low.
Always keep moving because it
keeps the pounds off and will
keep your metabolism high.
Move, move, move, move, move.
Keep moving.
And stay low when I walk,
lower than you would think.
Never stop moving.
And that's why I'm
fit as a fiddle.
Bravo.
MARJORIE: Bravo.
(OFF) CLARA: I love you guys.
That
sounds hard, fella.
I show no
signs of slowing down.
No, you don't.
Oh, thank you.
Do you know clapping push-ups?
I do those too.
Miles, if you
can do that, you have to!
No, I'm
not going to do them.
I really-- I really--
I beg thee!
For you,
perhaps, young lady.
SIMON: Let's go,
let's go, let's go.
Lucky day.
Come on, come
on, come on, come on.
Let's see.
Miles!
Miles, Miles,
Miles, Miles, Miles.
The inspiration!
And--
[CLAPS AND THUD]
RUDIE: He
must be exhausted.
SAM: Oh my god.
(ON) MARJORIE: Miles?
Miles?
(ON) SIMON: Bro.
Miles?
Is he dead
or is he just being silly?
Miles!
Sam,
what did you do?
Miles, don't go.
Not yet.
Don't leave me alone
with the staff.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
[WARMUP VOCALIZATIONS]
Hello, hello.
Hello, Corden!
Corden.
Corden, Corden!
How you doing, man?
Amazing.
(ON) MARJORIE: There we go.
I'm back.
(ON) RUDIE: How was Channing?
Was he nice?
Did you
make, like, $1,000,000?
Channing
was-- was chill, yeah.
We had fun.
And my starmeter raised 19%.
So that counts for something.
But it feels good to be
back here with you guys.
You're like family to me in
that I don't know you that well,
but I care about you.
(ON) DAVINA: That's so sweet.
Yeah.
And before anybody asks, no,
I haven't changed too much.
Well, your
body hasn't changed.
That's for sure.
Yeah, your
body hasn't changed either.
Please,
how can you tell?
I'm swimming in this thing.
Miles is dead.
No shit.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, looks
like it might rain.
Rain might clear away the smoke
from all those factory farms.
Oh, boy.
Sit down here to
my morning paper.
[LAUGHS]
[THUNDER]
[RAIN FALLING]
Home sweet home.
This is our third home,
due to factory fires.
So excuse me, mama.
I'm going to go show
you where Buck is now.
Said I'm
drunk on raspberry cordials.
Yes, I am.
[THUNDER]
Oh, my grandmamma,
grandpappy, and the house.
Oh, the house before we
lost it in the factory fire.
[THUNDER]
There it
is, that familiar smell,
the factory fire.
We've had three
this year already.
What's one more?
I've lost all my
friends in those fires.
It's blazing!
[COUGHING]
[APPLAUSE]
Do they even like it?
It was so lukewarm.
God.
I'm used to standing
fucking ovations.
Sam's
extremely green.
Give her a break.
She's in menopause.
She's an idiot.
Yeah, it
kind of sucks being back.
We would love to
dedicate tonight's performance,
y'all, to somebody who is dead.
[LAUGHS]
Our guy who is a part of
the community theater and we
love him.
He's dope.
Miles, we love you,
and we miss you.
Come back.
No, he can't.
[LAUGHS]
But, Thimberly, we are
here with you, girl.
Oh, why!
No, I
mean, we can always
change that blocking and stuff.
(ON) MARJORIE: Oh my god.
Paparazzi.
Is it Zac Efron?
RUDIE: Wait a second.
Is this for me?
Oh my God.
Oh my God, congrats.
Great preview.
It's a
start, you know.
What's this?
They're just doing
a story on my little theater.
Congratulations.
I'm Rudie.
Yeah, we've met.
She's here every day.
You know,
your hair looks so rad,
all piled up like a sea goddess.
Can I touch it?
Come on, I think
we should have stopped at rad.
No one stopped her?
No one stopped her?
No, we
should get out of here.
We're mucking up your
whole setup here.
Hey, great work on
everything, you guys.
You really nailed it today.
Big things for you.
Wow.
Thank you, Rudie.
SAM: Good job, Rudie.
R-U-D-I-E.
I really want you to
come see my show, Oil & Rancor.
It's at the Yellow Goat.
I would be
absolutely delighted to.
OK, great.
I'll put you on the list.
No, I want
to buy a ticket.
I want to support.
It's sold out.
I'll-- I'll throw
your name in the list.
Sold out?
That's so great.
I just
can't even freaking
believe that ghosts are real.
But they sure are.
Because I'm one.
We have a saying.
If there's a factory fire,
it's probably Tuesday.
I killed daddy!
[APPLAUSE]
Follow
me on Instagram.
Yes?
Are you
from Down South?
I love grits.
Does that count?
Yes?
I have a
question for you.
It seemed water wastey.
Are we not in a drought?
[SIGHS] Did you
get the free tickets OK, Meg?
Yeah.
(ON) SAM: All the comps?
Yeah?
Good.
All right.
Any other questions from
anyone here tonight?
Anyone else?
CLARA: Oh, that
guy has a question.
SIMON: Mm-mm.
That's all
the time we have.
Thank you for
supporting live theater.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
This is such a relief.
I never get a female driver.
Interesting.
What's interesting?
Seems it would go
against the idea of feminism
to presuppose, huh, we have
the same values because
of our exterior appearance
or presumed plumbing,
even to assume, young lady,
that I'm not dangerous.
Yeah,
right here is good.
Where?
Um, just
really anywhere.
Not yet.
OK, look.
Right here.
What the?
Oh my--
(OFF) DRIVER: That's right.
Cash, stolen guns.
Stolen guns.
Holy shit.
I'm terrified.
Of course you are.
I need to get
out of this car right now.
You don't.
OK.
I'm sorry that I felt safe.
I certainly take it back.
Where are we going?
I've got
a couple of errands.
Hey, just wanted to
take a quick picture,
just to prove that
I dropped you off.
What?
DRIVER: Got it.
(ON) SAM: You're psychotic.
There are privacy laws.
Bye!
Thank you.
GREGGY: Hey, Sam.
It's Greggy.
Listen, I heard you didn't get
any standing O's in previews?
Yikes.
Anyway, I told you, meet me.
Chess Cafe, OK?
I'm here most afternoons,
hanging out with
my new community of cool buds.
It was
a crisp summer day.
I was eating a plum.
Plums are sweet and nectary.
Where can you find a
plum tree in the city?
I've never seen one.
Yet in my childhood,
on a crisp summer day,
I did pluck the plums
and eat them slowly.
Plum!
The year is 8005.
A great plague is upon us.
I feel lost.
I am lost.
But aren't you?
Aren't we all?
Who could love me?
Who?
I've tried my whole life!
[DISCORDANT PLAYING]
That's called America
as we know it.
[SOBBING] Help!
Why aren't you helping me?
Don't look.
Help!
Oh!
Cords, so many cords!
My neck.
my spine, my ass,
surrounded by cords!
I can't escape the cords!
Everywhere I go-- cords.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
Y'all,
sit down, sit down.
I wrote this play for
my soul, for your soul,
for your soul, your soul,
for all of our souls.
Theater is connection.
Art is connection.
And I believe that I was put
on this earth to connect.
Every single one of y'all
in this audience is tribe.
And the vibe is
always for the tribe.
You know what I'm saying?
And on that note, white
theater with a capital W,
your day has come and gone.
Sorry.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Star!
A plum is juicy.
Plum!
Oh my God.
You're a genius!
Thank you.
Oh, I should
have got you flowers.
You crushed it.
Oh, no worries.
I'm actually on my
way out the door.
Me and the cast are
going to go party.
Oh, that's fun.
What do you put in the water
here, and can you bottle it?
I'll take 245 bottles, please.
That's the capacity
of the Regis.
Oh, stop it.
Your show is so good.
I've never gotten a
standing O like that before.
That was so magical.
Oh, well, you
know, you can't measure
yourself on that type of crap.
I can, and I do.
Sorry.
It's your night.
It's not about all this.
It is my night.
It was so amazing.
I literally feel like a queen.
Everyone was clapping so much--
clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.
Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.
It was so loud.
It's like my ears are still
ringing from the clap,
clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.
I mean, you felt it.
Yes, I
was-- it was loud.
It was crazy.
It's
incredible that you
have your own crowd
that came out and just
supports you like that.
The Regis
has a built-in audience.
I feel like you got
your own crowd too.
I know, but
white theater's over
so I guess I need a new job.
Oh.
You took that personal?
No, I'm
kidding with you.
I said white theater
with a capital W. Yeah, I
felt comfortable
enough in the moment
to express the sentiment
that the theater
establishment is musty.
I didn't say you.
I don't even know
how we got on this topic.
You were mad I got
a standing O. Remember that?
Yeah, because if you never
get one, that's on you, love.
Whoa.
Come on.
I'm not trying to
make this about me.
I'm just in this
weird situation where
everyone's comparing
me to this man
who has 20 years of experience.
And it's not fair, like.
OK, you know what?
I don't feel supported
in this visit.
Yeah, this-- this is draining.
You have some blind spots.
Me?
Yeah.
Big time.
If you feel anything
less than grateful
for an opportunity
that was literally
plopped into your lap,
you got to reconsider.
I'm not the person to
talk to about this.
What?
I mean, come on.
I-- what-- what can I
do to be better, then?
It actually
reminds me of this joke.
What's the difference between
a thoughtful white person
and a thoughtless white person?
What?
Nothing.
I should have learned my
lesson with Lena Dunham,
but I simply love Girls.
For what it's
worth, I didn't love her play.
But I thought
it was just so good.
Of course you did.
[SCOFFS]
Thank you
for understanding
that I'm going to need
you to pay up front now.
Yeah.
So I saw Star's play
and just-- boom,
standing ovation right away.
I'm like, what am I doing?
I feel like I have
nothing to say.
You're
having a breakthrough.
I am?
You don't
have much to say.
Well,
let me say this--
give me all my
money back, addict!
I don't have it.
What?
I spent it.
Sam, I have a
gambling addiction.
Good god.
I never I was perfect!
I-- I do
have something to say.
Ow.
You hurt my hand!
OK.
OK, you
need to pay for this.
Oh my goodness.
I fucking paid at the beginning.
That is my bad.
You did.
I apologize.
Please excuse me.
I have to step away
from this, for I
must attend opening night
of my directorial debut
at the Regis Theater.
Sounds like you
don't need me anymore.
I guess I'll just
jump off a bridge.
Meg!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
No, daddy.
No.
Hey, guys.
Slap looks fantastic.
Corden, it's been so nice
having you back at the Regis.
Oh, I told you I'd
be back as long as you let me
miss almost all the rehearsals.
And you're
a man of your word.
Now, mama.
(ON) MARJORIE: Yeah.
Papa.
My vet and my pro, I've got a
new monologue for each of you.
On opening night?
Enjoy the show.
Let's do
this warm-up for Miles.
Hell yeah.
Love you, Miles.
I feel you here.
What's coming in?
Rain's coming in.
Hmm.
This world, I see it
with new eyes now--
white privilege,
infrastructure designed
to support us while
cutting the other out
of the American dream.
Generational wealth!
And don't you even get me
started on so-called illegals.
Hmph.
You know who the biggest
illegal of all was, don't you?
why, Mr. Christopher Columbus.
Capitalism chews
up and spits out the have-nots.
And for what?
The almighty dollar.
Yeah, just look at our--
our public school systems and
the prison industrial complex.
Yeah, that's a great example.
And it's-- it's all by design.
So think about that.
[COUGHING]
[THUNDER]
I love advertising.
It's about balance, something
I never had in this house.
Because you tore through this
family like a factory fire,
Mama.
I may be a
ghost, but I'm still here!
Oh, the wrath of
those I bore and those I raised
is like a weight tied
to my torso, dragging me
and all my good intentions
downward toward oblivion.
[THUNDER]
Rain's coming in.
[THUNDER]
Shame,
shame on your fake rain!
Shame, shame on your fake rain!
We are in a water crisis.
Oh, dinner's ready.
Mama, we ought to invite Buck.
Lillie Mae's sweet on him.
Oh, my husband
Buck, the-- the father
of my unborn child!
And, yes, I am pregnant!
Buck!
[THUNDER]
Shame,
shame, shame, shame.
Shame, shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame, shame!
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah, yeah.
Fuck you!
[APPLAUSE]
Shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame, shame.
Oh!
Ow!
How do you have so much
paint in this theater?
I don't get it.
But I want to thank our
season ticket holders
because you make this possible.
When it's good, you
make that possible.
I thank you from the
bottom of my heart,
and I want you to know
your hard-earned cash
isn't going to waste.
The Q&A is still on!
It was a colorful
evening, obviously.
But, yeah, does
anyone have a question
for any of these
brilliant souls up here?
Let's focus on the work.
Let's focus on the work, huh?
Sam, you've
admitted yourself publicly
that you're not Southern.
OK.
So at a time when
authenticity reigns supreme,
you are inauthentic.
Why?
What
can she do, right?
She's supposed to write
a play about a writer
who becomes a director?
And
then directs that?
Man.
I think that'd be
a hall of mirrors.
[LAUGHTER]
Who wrote
Peter Pan, a pirate?
Think about it.
Martin McDonagh wrote a
whole movie about Missouri
from across the pond.
Or the dream-- he wrote
Single Ladies, and he's a man!
All right, they've
been working really hard to put
on a great show for you guys.
They really have, OK?
So they would love
a question, in spite
of all the weird setbacks with
environmentalists apparently
just kind of pegging
me and Clara, which
is sort of sexist in a way.
Weird.
Sexist environmentalists.
OK.
(ON) SIMON: What's up, man?
Hello, sir.
Here.
Oh, oh.
I'm not sexist.
Oh.
Thanks, Sam.
Oh, wait.
I really do have a question.
Where is this play set?
The Deep South.
No, you cannot ask a question.
Yeah, you don't
get a question, honeybun!
Well, it's
clearly a fictional location
with conflicting cultural
and geographical references
and accents and costumes.
Ugh,
you coastal elites,
you love our cracker barrels
and our Southern plays
and our need for jet
skis and ferrets,
but you sneer at
rural values when
you get in the voting booth.
OK, I'd
rather not enter a full
political discussion right now.
Oh,
watch whiteness work.
What does that mean?
Why don't you treat
water as a precious resource?
My God,
look at all the water
coming up and down my tits!
Oh, go, go, go, go, go.
Why
isn't grief linear?
Why does it spin relentlessly
around like a tornado?
Why are you a Jew?
Why did
you sleep with me?
Really?
I'm
your subordinate
in a professional setting.
Well, I was drunk!
You know I was drunk.
That's why.
That's why I would sleep with
you, because I was drunk.
Booze hound!
CLARA: Sam, not an usher.
Oh, OK, Greggy.
She fucked Greggy.
Yeah.
Yeah, she did.
To bring that here.
Apologize!
Apologize.
Apologize,
apologize, apologize.
Oh, oh!
Apologize, apologize!
Don't
listen to them, Sam!
All right,
Greggy, that's not helping.
All right?
That's not helping.
You're not even supposed
to be in this building.
Apologize,
apologize, apologize!
For what?
What do you want me
to apologize for?
You ever think about that?
You ever think about that?
What do you want me
to apologize for?
I can't even hear each thing!
You want me to apologize because
I wasn't thinking about water?
Because I fucked
some weird psycho?
Because I'm not Southern?
Sorry.
Sorry.
I'm a Jew.
Help.
I'm drowning in
white woman tears.
Jews aren't white.
(ON) WOMAN: They are to me.
You think
I don't know I suck?
I suck.
I know that.
And this is a group
of basic amateurs.
Basic?
Yeah, who are probably
going to-- let's be frank.
They're going to live and
die on this shitty stage.
Hey!
Yeah,
I don't know--
But I tried.
I tried, and no one's happy.
I can barely pay my rent.
I don't know whose dream
this is, but it's not mine.
I just realized that right now.
It's not mine.
Caring is
one piece of the puzzle.
Talent is another.
Then you write
a fucking play, Rudie!
OK.
That's it.
Yeah, you can write
it with this stupid audience!
Sheldon, are
you going to do anything?
Shut up, Clara!
There's no one
waiting in the wings.
There's no man who's going to
come out and fucking save you.
Do you get it?
You're being
scary girl right now.
I know.
I'm going to shut down.
Sheldon is not
coming, because Sheldon's
a fucking pussy.
But no one sees that.
Because if anyone in this
entire theater is a pussy,
Sheldon is a pussy.
Sheldon is a pussy!
[SOUTHERN MUSIC]
It's over.
We've reached an impasse.
Great.
Don't think
I forgot how you flirted
with Miles, ogling
his muscles, begging
him to fatally exert himself.
Please
understand, I had zero
attraction to your husband.
He is
out of your league.
Wouldn't have touched you with
a 10-foot pole, which he had,
by the way.
Trust is
broken, and maybe you are too.
Oh, maybe so.
Yeah.
In brighter news,
someone familiar with the play
has graciously thrown
his hat into the ring.
Oh, who, pray tell?
Rudie.
Oh, perfect.
We
felt it made sense.
Did ya?
Maybe tell Rudie that
actors are not hyenas
or whatever mythical
shit you ascribe to them.
They're just very stupid people.
I see.
Everything is the man's fault.
In this case, yes.
No,
look inward, Sam.
I do.
I go to therapy every
week with one of the best
therapists in this country.
And this is where it brought
me, this shitty fucking office.
I hated this job.
And this trophy, I've
been looking at it.
I fucking hate it.
Eh!
Gah!
Can't even
knock over a trophy.
I fucking
hate this place.
I quit.
You're fired.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]
Sam,
you finally made it.
How do you like my new office?
It's kind of gross.
These
are some of my buddies
who have also made mistakes.
You're one of us now,
one of the outcasts.
I'm sorry.
Are there no levels here?
Everyone's just clumped together
with me, a woman who had
a minor outburst at a theater?
Protesters
got you ruffled, huh?
I see you're wearing all black.
Are you in mourning
for your life?
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah.
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
It's over.
I'm out.
Rudie's directing.
Rudie?
He's great, very competent.
He has zero
directing experience.
But
he seems competent.
You know what I do when I
feel low, when I feel down?
I just meditate on all
those standing O's.
[SIGHS]
Oh, hey.
I have got some exciting news
in the Greggy Land department.
What?
I think I
finagled myself a gig with--
drum roll-- Nickelodeon.
What?
Maybe
I'll put in a word.
That would be
so huge for me right now
if you would really do that.
Got you.
Thanks.
Hey,
can I put my hands
on both sides of your butt?
I'm doing this book
about butt measurements.
And I think--
I'm an idiot.
Desperation, and you
smelled it on me.
Of course.
Don't salute me.
Fucking weirdos, you
ruin people's lives.
Hey, the
book is legit, all right?
And I'm serious
about Nickelodeon.
Sam!
Rudie rules.
I love him.
I love the confidence.
Sorry.
With
Rudie, it feels right.
I just have to say that.
It just does.
It's so automatic, so organic.
We're like Laurel and Hardy,
just two total freaks.
The
woman has lost power.
The man is in power.
And everyone is happy.
Rudie doesn't
care how people see him.
I like that.
You don't care about people.
That's my shit.
Yeah, he's a--
he's an alpha.
Objectively, that's
better for the play,
if you believe in objectivity.
I don't.
I'm going to go
be in Star's play.
She's special, you know?
She lets there be water
where Rudie is brick.
Can't build a house
with brick, but you
can build a lake with water.
I just realized I
have K in my pocket.
Why did I take over?
Why does a wild dog
attack a water buffalo?
It's not my fault Sam
is weak or like a mom.
Don't act like I'm the only
person who hates their mother.
Most people do.
Hmm.
They brought us into this mess.
What was the game plan?
I mean, literally everything
bad that happens to us
is their fault.
I'm a Republican.
[LAUGHS]
(SINGING) I don't need a
mother, one to call my own.
I don't need a mother;
the theater is my home.
[APPLAUSE]
[APPLAUSE]
[APPLAUSE]
The
best day of my life!
I realized
I don't like the arts.
It's extremely manic.
I love it here.
Everything is in its place.
There's order.
I'm content.
I'm finally content.
Finance, who knew?
And they say they may have a
full-time position opening up.
So we'll see.
But I'm very happy.
[PHONE RINGING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SINGER: (SINGING) Trying
to give you up-- fiasco.
When I'm not with you,
I'm in airplane mode.
Trying to give you up--
fiasco.
When I'm not with you, I'm
stuck in airplane mode.
Airplane mode, airplane mode,
airplane mode, airplane mode.
Had to give you up.
Didn't choose to.
I don't feel like me
when I'm not with you.
You will always come,
but you never stay.
We will always fall and
go our separate ways.
How did I start walking
down this lonely road?
Lonely road.
That will always take
me as I grow more alone.
I miss our contact.
I miss holding hands.
This be aching.
Trying to give you up-- fiasco.
When I'm not with you,
I'm in airplane mode.
Trying to give you up--
fiasco.
When I'm not with you, I'm
stuck in airplane mode.
In a silk robe drinking
coffee all alone.
You know nothing good
ever happens in my phone.
You know nothing good
ever happens in my phone.
I took a wrong turn
at a fork in the road.
Now I'm drinking
coffee in my silk robe.
Now I'm all alone drinking
coffee in my robe.
Oh!
Airplane mode.
I'm all alone, baby.
Trying give you up--
fiasco.
Ah!
When I'm not with you,
I'm in airplane mode.
Trying to give you up--
fiasco.
Can't give you up, baby!
When I'm not with you, I'm
stuck in airplane mode.
Airplane mode,
airplane mode, baby.
Trying to give you up--
fiasco.
When I'm not with you,
I'm in airplane mode.
Trying to give you up--
fiasco.
When I'm not with you, I'm
stuck in airplane mode.
Airplane mode, airplane mode,
airplane mode, airplane mode.
[SOBBING]