Fish Called Wanda, A (1988) Movie Script
This film contains strong language.
And on that point, members
of the jury, I rest my case.
CAMERA CLICKS
RINGING
Hello, Wanda.
Hi, Ken.
Hello, W-Wanda.
Ken...this is Otto. Hello, Ken.
Wanda's told me a lot about you.
Hey, great fish! A little lemon,
tartare sauce - perfect!
Is George back yet?
N-No, he had to g-go...
What?
That's quite a stutter
you've got there!
It's OK. It doesn't bother me.
So George needs a weapons man, eh?
A cup of tea, Ken? Y-Yuh...
Yeah, he'd like one.
My friend in the CIA had a stutter.
Cost him his life, dammit.
DOOR OPENS
Hi, George.
Hello, George.
Get you a scotch?
Yeah.
George...
This is Otto.
So...
..you're Wanda's brother? Good to be
here. England is a fine country!
Did she tell you what we need?
KEN GASPS
Something like that?
Something like that.
Hello, Wendy!
Had a good day?
I spend the morning trying to get
the waste disposal man to come,
had lunch with Marjorie Brooks who
spends the entire meal complaining,
then I come back here and Sandersons
have sent the wrong flowers.
Oh, no! Would you like some tea?
Yes!
I won the case. This is the first
moment I've had to myself all day!
Portia, how was the show? Awful.
I need a new horse. But you liked
Phantom. He's not fit for dog meat.
Can I change him?
It won't cost much.
Aren't you making the tea, Archie?
Let me do it. No, I'LL do it!
I won the case!
Oh! Now this is cracked!
They're worth about 100,000 each.
There are 135 of them -
that makes 13 million, my friends!
Dollars? Pounds, pet.
This is the big one, so...
OK.
Yeah.
Otto!
Yes?
OK.
What?
The plan!
Yeah, great! What was
the middle thing about the police?
We don't meet up at Heathrow
until Tuesday... Yeah!
I haven't finished yet!
Because the police will watch
the airports for 72 hours. I know.
I know.
Do you want m-me to g-get...
..a b-big...c-car?
Yes, Ken. A limo, OK?
Put diplomatic plates on it.
What if he has to say something
during the break-in? No-one says
anything! It's OK. Ken's good.
So, next week, we won't have
to look for work!
And it won't have to look for us!
Oscar Wilde.
You really like animals, don't you?
What's the attraction?
Because you can t-trust them...
..and they don't sh... Shit on you?
..Shove off all the time.
Nietzsche said
they were God's second blunder.
Bye, Sis!
Well, you t-tell him from me...
that I c-could...
Bye, George!
Talk to Mom and tell her I said hi.
OK.
THEY WHISPER: Don't let him
touch you. We'll be together soon.
I'm sorry my brother's
so insensitive.
He's had a hard life.
Dad used to beat him up.
Good.
Move and you're dead!
ALARM RINGS
DOGS YAP
Look where you're going,
selfish pig!
People just think
they own the pavement!
I love robbing the English!
They're so polite.
Th-Th... What? The dog! 20 million
dollars and he's worried about
an insect! It's not an in-in...
Stammer's no better, is it?
Have you thought about surgery?
SIRENS WAIL
Ken...
Bye.
Let's split. Heathrow, Tuesday.
No celebrating! No celebrating?
See you in a couple of hours. OK.
To 20 million.
To a job well done! To us.
To the best brother and sister
team since... Romeo and Juliet?
Those cockney klutzes
bought our story! What MORONS!
I want you to know something. What?
Even if you were my brother,
I'd still want to fuck you.
Ooh... Mmm...
Make the call.
Un momento, carissima. No Italian!
Due insalate verde
con pepperoni! No!
E un linguini primavera!
No! Make the call, Otto!
Are you really Italian?
Assolutamente.
Otto means eight.
Say arrivederci a Giorgio.
Bye, George. Putta me through to...
Hello. Sorry to trouble you,
but I thought you'd like to know
that the Hatton Garden robbery was
pulled off by a Mr George Thomason.
He lives at...
..flat 3, Kipling Mansions,
Murray Road, London W9.
Wanda?
POLICE SIRENS WAIL
KNOCKING
Open up!
George Francis Thomason?
Passport. Tickets. Money.
Asshole!
CAR CRASHES
We're rich, Wanda. Yep!
I bet you've had the most exciting
time of your life with me.
You said it!
HE GASPS
..OK.
OK... I'm DISAPPOINTED!
Son of a bitch!
What do you have to do to make
people trust you?! Shut up!
People always take advantage of me!
Think! Where is it?
What are you doing? I'm thinking!
First I'll hang him up
with piano wire, then...
I'm going to talk to him.
Then I'll... Talk to who?
Talk to who?
In the course of installing these
windows, you knelt on broken glass
from the pane you'd dropped? Yes.
And your parents can confirm this?
And his aunt, Georgina Thomason.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Yes?
Excuse me, sir. There's
a young lady to see Thomason.
Anything else? That's everything
for the moment, thanks.
Ken will be in
with the fish food later.
Thanks.
OK.
Well? We'll be OK on the glass,
but what else will they have?
WOLF WHISTLES
Oh, George!
I can't believe this is happening!
That's not allowed, miss.
Are you OK? I'm all right.
I can't handle this.
I couldn't sleep. I was afraid
the police... Leave it out, OK?
Listen...
Listen!
You stayed at my place.
We slept late.
You made me breakfast.
What? What's he doing here?
He wanted to see you!
Who did it, George?
Do you want me to rub him out?
Anything. You name it.
I have friends making enquiries.
Good.
The jewels are very safe.
If I get sent down, it gets
handed back to cut my sentence.
To cut my sentence even more, I
could tell them who done it with me,
if I wasn't very happy
about everything.
What was the middle thing?
Piss off.
Do you want me to...? Now!
George...
..you don't think...? Do you?
No!
No...
No!
OK. George? What?
(Are you sure the garage
is very safe?)
Trust me.
Thanks a lot. Bye. Have a good day.
He's not sure it was you. That's
something, I guess. What about you?
He believes me. That's why he can't
figure out about you. Figure out
what? If you turned him in, stupid!
Don't, er...
..ever, ever, EVER
call me stupid, OK?
What?
That's George's lawyer. The other
guy must be the barrister.
So? Trust me.
Let me know if anything
unexpected turns up. Excuse me!
Don't I recognise you?
No, I don't think so.
Oh... But you are
a famous barrister, aren't you?
Um... Well, hardly!
Well, could I have
your autograph anyway?
Yes, certainly. Thanks.
I'm studying aspects of your legal
system. I'm American. Oh, really?
I've only just started. It's
fascinating! What brings you here?
It's a little embarrassing.
I have a friend.
Oh, I see. Well, there you are.
I knew it! You're Archie Leesh!
Leach. Right!
I saw you in court,
er...two weeks ago!
The casino break-in?
Oh, you were great!
Oh, I'm a big fan of yours! I love
the way you, er...cross-examine.
I really admire your work!
Thank you.
I'd better not... I don't suppose
you'd...? No, fine. Right.
Well...
Thank you for this.
I'll treasure it.
Au revoir.
You speak French, too.
What's going on? Whatever George
decides to do, he'll tell Leach.
Why?
Because he's his lawyer.
I know that.
So I'll get to know Leach. George
will tell him where the diamonds
are? That's what I'll find out.
You done well, my son!
Where we gonna hide it?
The fish tank.
Very good.
Don't tell Wanda anything. Otto
might get something out of her.
George.
You are going to g-get off?
Don't worry, Ken. We'll
fix it. Anything on Otto?
Not yet.
You watch him.
Ken?
OK.
The police have been all over it.
I'll change and then I'll help look.
Hello...K-Ken's p-p-p-pets!
Hey!
Wake up! Wake up, limey fish!
So, how are you going to get
friendly with this lawyer?
I don't know. I'll improvise.
Insects!
I thought Englishmen didn't like
women, the way they talk.
He's straight. Cute, too,
in a pompous sort of way.
You got the hots for him?
I'm not into necrophilia, thanks!
Is this hump-a-limey week? Otto
disapproves. Otto might get jealous.
E molto pericoloso, signorina.
Molto pericoloso...
Carissima... Speak it! Speak it!
Ossobuco milanese con piselli!
Melanzane...
Parmigiana con spinace!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
No! No! No! Si! Si! Si!
No! Not here!
Not here, Otto!
Um... Mozzarella? No, not here!
Parmigiano!
No!
Wanda?
Look what I've got, Wanda!
Treasure!
I thought it was the police.
Isn't it horrible about George?
I've a headache.
Will you buy me some aspirin?
DOOR SHUTS
What's that? Otto's in the bathroom.
Otto? We went to see George.
It was horrible!
Isn't it terrible about George?
When I find the bastard
who squealed!
I love that man!
What are you doing here?
Wanda was upset, Ken.
She needed to talk to family.
But sh-she just had a sh-shower!
I must speak to you.
WANDA SOBS
Are you OK? Yes. Thanks for coming.
Call me if you need me. OK.
Can't you think about her feelings?
Something f-funny is going on!
Oh, dear.
You don't even know why
you're excited. I saw the... Ken!
Isn't it time you faced up
to certain realities, Ken?
Come on!
You're attractive. You're smart.
You've wonderful bones, great eyes,
and you dress interestingly.
W-What...?
We could have fun together.
We'd be good for each other.
What do you say?
You must be j-jo... May I kiss you?
No, you fucking can't!
Just a peck! No tongue! No!
Ken!
OK, you didn't realise I was gay.
OK, look, I'm sorry.
I've handled this badly.
The physical side can wait.
You need time.
But will you think about it?
Oh, my God!
OH, MY GOD!
Ken, somebody just called!
They said that the police know that
the loot is in a garage in Fulham!
You and I have to go and move it
before the police find it! N-No!
It's all right! What?
Geor... Geor... George...
Mo... Mo... Moved...
George moved the loot?! Yes.
WHERE DID HE MOVE IT, KEN?
Ca...
Ca...
I don't know. There's a key.
It's in...
Don't tell me. It's better not to.
Oh, you know,
if it wasn't for George...
Otto...
..tried to ki...kiss me.
I thought he might.
No, nothing. No marks at all.
But it is a safety deposit box key?
Yes. But it could be any one
of millions - hotels, banks, offices.
Thank you.
(Fuck!)
That's him. That's him, Inspector.
HE tried to murder my dogs!
Davidson!
A legal student wants to see me.
What time is Sir John due? 12.30.
Come in!
Hi. How nice to see you!
Am I interrupting? Absolutely not.
Really? No, really.
I'm delighted to see you.
So...this is the place, huh?
This is it. Very nice!
I was over at the courts
this morning. It's fascinating!
Everyone wears these. Do you?
Ridiculous!
Well, I only have a few minutes
before... I'm sorry.
But I'm all yours.
I just have a few questions.
I'm having a problem
understanding preliminary
criminal procedures. Good.
What exactly is the committal?
It's where the prosecution
presents prima facie evidence
that the accused has a case
to answer for trial.
Let's just take, for example,
my friend George Thomason.
When he goes for his committal
on Wednesday... Thomason?
Yes. George Thomason?
Yes. Do you know him?
I'm defending him!
What are you talking about?
I'm his barrister. His lawyer.
That's so great!
That's so weird, though, isn't it?
I'm so happy
that you're defending him!
Thank you. He'll get off now!
Wow!
Well, I can watch you work now!
Please.
Amazing.
Anyway, at the committal,
George would then plead...
"Not Guilty". Really?
The evidence is circumstantial.
What about the identification?
An elderly lady.
I think they've got the wrong man.
You don't think he did it. No.
Let's just say for argument's sake
that you did think he did it.
If further evidence came to light,
for example. Right.
You'd advise him to plead guilty,
and turn over the jewels to cut his
sentence. He'd turn them over to?
To you?
Theoretically? Of course!
Well, um...
I'm so sorry,
I've forgotten your name.
Wanda.
Wanda. What a fool!
Well, Wanda, there are three...
Not Wanda Gershwitz?
Yes.
My God. What?
You're his alibi! I can't talk to
you! Why not? My dear young lady...
..you're a defence witness!
You must leave. Why? It's not
ethical for me to talk to a witness!
Everyone does it in America.
Please leave,
or I may have to give up the case.
Please?
Oh, Archie...
I didn't come here today to talk
about boring criminal procedures.
Come on! You know!
You knew the minute
I walked in here!
I want you.
What?
BUZZER
Hello? 'Sir John is here.'
Show him in. Make love with me.
'Pardon?' Nothing!
Take me to bed, Archie. No, sorry.
Bye, Uncle!
Hi!
DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC
He's pleading "Not Guilty",
so you're safe until the trial.
Leach doesn't think he did it.
Ken says there's
a safe deposit box key,
but only George knows where it is.
"Thank you, Wanda(!)"
What have YOU found out?
Not a lot. You realise he's
in court tomorrow? I know that!
So nothing, huh? Nichts!
Zip...
Diddly... Bubkas...
Niente!
It's too big! No, it isn't, Portia.
It's enormous! No, it isn't!
Please, Mother. Absolutely not!
I'm so miserable and you just
don't care! Do shut up, Portia!
People complain to me all day!
Oh, dear.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
TRUMPET FANFARE
Ecco l'uomo!
Le due cupole grande
della cattedrale di Milano!
Benito Mussolini!
Dov'e il Vaticano?
Oh... Ecco l'uomo!
# Volare, oh, oh!
# E cantare, oh, oh... #
Archie, I want you to speak to her
about plastic surgery. Hmm?
I wish you'd listen. I want you to
speak to Portia. I'll speak to her
in the morning. Good night, Archie.
Good night, Archie!
Good night, Wanda!
Good night who?
Sorry, darling. Just a stupid case
I've got tomorrow with some old hag.
Are you George Francis Thomason
of Kipling Mansions, London W9?
Yes, sir.
Charged with armed robbery.
Sit down.
Are we ready for a committal claim?
Yes, it will be under 6-2.
That is correct.
Here are the statements.
To be fully bound, please.
Stand up, Mr Thomason.
You are hereby committed to stand
trial at the central criminal court.
There is some urgency
about this case, madam.
The main witness, Mrs Eileen Cody,
has had heart difficulties recently.
Might this case be put down
for an early trial?
The listings officer will decide.
Take him to the cell.
Hi, hon. You look great! I love
your hair! Time for a coffee?
No. Have you considered it, though?
Why did he give you this? "Eileen
Cody, 69, Basil Street"? Is it to
send her flowers? Do her shopping?
Rub her out?
He wants you to rub her out?
He's going to kill her!
LAUGHS MANIACALLY
Fuck off, or I'll kill YOU!
Limey fruits!
So the old lady's going to m-meet
with an accident, eh, K-Ken? Sssh!
What's so funny? Nothing. It's just
that wasting old ladies isn't nice!
It's better than...buggering people!
I bet you a pound
you don't kill her!
All right. All right.
I love watching your ass when you
walk. Is that beautiful or what?
Don't go near him! He's mine!
A pound says you won't kill her!
When could you look at it?
Thursday is hopeless.
My wife's going to the opera
Friday night. I'll look at it then.
Thanks, Archie.
Hi. I know we're not allowed
to talk. Give me a call. I can't!
Please.
I'm not allowed to speak.
You don't have to. I don't
want you for your conversation.
Look, I'd love to, but...
LOUD WAILS
What happened? Got a date Friday.
JOLLY WHISTLING
DOGS YAP
Look here. Do you mind
not making that terrible noise?
My dogs will be having their nap.
Nice doggy...
DOGS BARK AND GROWL
Otto, what are you doing?
Buddhist meditation. It focuses
aggression. The monks did it before
battle. What kind of buddhism is it?
HORN BLARES
Asshole!
It's an early Tantric meditation...
What is this? To get information I
might have to get friendly with him.
We're ready now at last.
Enjoy the opera, darling. Supper's
in the fridge, Archie. Be good.
What does "friendly" mean?
Cordial? Courteous?
Supportive? What?
I don't know.
Let's just see what happens.
So "friendly" might
include what? Penetration, say?
I don't need your jealousy now.
Jealousy? Yes! I'm just curious.
Me jealous of that fop?
What about my tits?
Does he get to handle them? Yes.
That's my forecast. Nuzzling?
is worth a little nuzzling.
Sucking? I thought you weren't
jealous! Jealousy is for the weak.
One thing, though -
touch his dick and he's dead!
Daddy didn't get the car serviced.
Aren't we going? Do shut up, Portia!
(Hurry up.)
Hi.
Do you despise me?
No, that's not a word
that leaps to mind(!)
Can I stay then?
Of course.
Look...Wanda...
I know. Your wife's coming back.
It's about what I said to you.
It IS all right for us to speak.
It is?
Provided we don't discuss the case.
Oh...
Oh, fine.
It's just that if anyone saw us
talking... But they won't.
Sorry if I seem...pompous.
Oh, you're the best, Archie.
No...
Not yet. I'm thirsty.
What shall I get you?
Whisky.
You are the sexiest, most beautiful
girl I have ever seen...
..in my entire life.
Get me my drink.
Oh... Oh, Archie.
Oh, Archie!
So...
..if George decides
to change his plea,
he'd tell you where the loot
was first, wouldn't he? Mmm?
Darling, we mustn't talk about the
trial. I just meant theoretically.
Kiss me there.
Oh, theoretically...
HE STARTS TO GIVE
A MUFFLED REPLY
What's wrong? It's wonderful!
Oh!
What's wrong? Oh, you're getting me
so hot! I need something to drink.
Something cold? Maybe in the
fridge? Champagne? My favourite!
Don't go away!
Je reviens!
What are you doing here?! Relax!
Get the fuck out! The moaning
worried me. I was faking it, stupid!
Don't call me stupid!
And I'm not jealous. Leave! OK!
What a nice place.
Don't touch his dick!
(His wife!)
For goodness sake, get off to bed!
Oh, God, there isn't any ice!
Champagne!
What's the matter?
What are you doing?
Champagne, dear.
To welcome you home.
Let me pour you a glass.
Whose is the car? Car?
Blocking the drive.
How was the opera?
Whose car is it?
Mine. A beauty, isn't it? Where
did I leave my drink, Archie? Ah!
Who is this? Don't you know?
How do you do, Mrs Leach?
I'm Harvey Manfrend...gendson.
I'm with the CIA. CIA?
That's right, ma'am.
I was telling your husband
before I had to go
to your beautiful bathroom....
..we've a KGB defector
in a safe house near here.
We're debriefing him
as of now and we're just...
..checking the houses in the area.
For what? For the KGB.
Is there any danger? No.
No, not now.
We, er, we just want
to keep everyone informed.
Thanks for the drink.
Sorry to have troubled you. Keep
everyone informed. There's no panic.
Isn't it a secret? You have no idea
how secret. Why are you telling us?
It's a smokescreen?
What? Double bluff.
You know nothing
about intelligence work, lady.
It's an XK Red 27 technique.
My father was in the Secret Service,
Mr Manfredgendson. I know that
you don't inform the general public
when debriefing the KGB in a safe
house. You don't, huh? Not unless
you're irretrievably stupid, no.
Don't call me stupid!
Why not?
Oh, you English are so superior,
aren't you?
Would you like to know
where you'd be without the U-S of A
to protect you? I'll tell you.
The smallest fucking province
in the Russian empire!
Don't call me stupid, thank me!
Thank you for popping in
and protecting us!
If it wasn't for us, you'd be
singing Deutschland Uber Alles!
My brother's covering for me! Get
rid of your wife and get my locket!
Right. I'll get rid of her.
Who are you talking to? Myself.
Who was shouting?
A friend's brother.
Archie! Who on earth...? He rang
the bell and... Let's go to the pub!
What? Would you like to? We haven't
been to the pub for 15 years!
I want to show Portia. Honestly!
AAAGH! What on earth is it?
I thought the picture was falling.
What's this? Well done! Coming
with us? What was that? A necklace.
What's going on? Nothing. Let's go.
Can I see that? What? In your hand.
Your other hand!
Portia, go to your room. I forgot
some papers and a secretary... GO!
Oh, Archie... No, really.
It's lovely!
Thank you!
It's even got a "W" for Wendy!
I'm so glad you like it, darling!
It's the most beautiful thing
you've ever given me!
Archie! This isn't like you!
Are you fucking crazy?!
I saved your ass! I had him right
where I wanted him, you asshole!
I gave you one fucking thing to do,
Otto! You were supposed to drive me
here and shut up! Relax!
CAR DRIVES AWAY NOISILY
TELEPHONE RINGS
Hello?
Hold on. ..It's for you.
Hello?
Not at the moment, no.
I'm not quite sure when
I'll be able to get hold of that.
Yes, yes, I do appreciate that.
As soon as possible.
Well, that would be very nice,
obviously.
See you soon, I hope.
Bye, Frank.
DOG GROWLS AND BARKS
Easy! Calm down! Easy, g-girl!
Easy!
Come here.
Smell!
Smell!
Now, k-k-k...
..k-k-kill!
BELL TOLLS
We therefore commit its body
to the ground.
Earth to earth,
ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
CHOIR BOYS SING "MISERERE DOMINE"
Hello, honey. What happened?
N-Nothing. What's that?
Um... Not Granny?
N-Not yet. Who is it for then?
A f-f... A fish? Frenchman?
Phone operator? F-Friend.
A four-legged one? Oh!
Where's my sister?
In the b-b... Thank you.
..lavatory.
Wanda!
QUIETLY:
Anything? What? ..No!
SHOUTING:
Why are you here? I'm bored!
Bored wandering around this awful
city shoving George's ugly pict...
Talking to snotty,
stuck-up British faggots.
Jesus, they're uptight!
They get rigor mortis
in the prime of life!
Standing with their hair clenched...
..waiting for the weekend
so they can dress as ballerinas...
"The flat at four. 2B..."?
To be, or not to be...honest,
I hate them!
I mean, pretending they're
so fucking lawyer...so fucking
superior with those phoney accents!
You've a beautiful voice, Ken.
When it works!
Son of a bitch!
LOUDLY:
So, want to have some lunch?
Heard from him? Who? Archie.
I have to finish my hair!
No. Nothing?
Well, I'm off.
No plans to see him?
No. ..OK, bye, Bro!
Bye, Wanda!
Sorry!
What? It wasn't theirs to sell.
An old lady gave it to them to be
engraved and someone put it in the
show case. That's their problem!
This is three times the value.
This is the nicest thing
you've given me,
and you want to replace it
with something
which is awfully vulgar! No!
WENDY! NO!
Tell them they can't have it!
You're the barrister!
Hello. Hello.
Oh, Archie, it's beautiful.
It's just BEAUTIFUL!
Oh, my God, look!
Oh, Archie, it's beautiful!
Isn't it wonderful?
Whose is it? It belongs to someone
at the chambers. Where are they?
Hong Kong. Ah, so!
Gone for weeks.
Nice rug, Archie!
May I?
Archie, what are you doing?
The polka, I think!
You make me feel FREE!
Free?
Wanda, do you have any idea
what it's like being English?
Being so correct and so stifled
by this dread
of doing the wrong thing?
Saying, "Are you married?" only to
hear, "My wife has just left me."
Or "Any children?" answered by
"They burned to death on Wednesday."
You see, we're all terrified
of embarrassment,
that's why we're so...dead. Most
of my friends are dead, you know.
We have these piles of corpses
to dinner. But you're alive.
God bless you. And I want to be.
I'm so fed up with all this...
I want to make love with you, Wanda.
I'm a good lover. At least, used to
be, back in the early 14th century.
Can we go to bed?
Yeah.
Hang on! Mind your head!
Aaagh!
I think I love you, Wanda!
Oh, Archie!
Can I ask you a question? Anything.
Where's my locket?
I couldn't get it. What?!
Wendy wouldn't give it back.
I got you this instead.
No! I have to have mine!
What's the ma...? Why?
My mother gave it to me.
On her...
..death bed!
Oh, I'm sorry. All right, darling,
I'll get it for you. You promise?
I'll think of something. Sex is
very difficult for me with someone
that I don't trust completely.
I promise I'll get it, OK?
Oh, I love you, Archie!
I've loved you ever since
the first second I saw you!
KNOCK
What was that? What?
Your brother didn't bring you here,
did he? No.
He has no idea?
He doesn't have a clue. What?
He is so dumb. He thought
the Gettysburg Address
was where Lincoln lived!
All those terrible lies
he told about the CIA!
When he heard
your daughter's name was Portia,
he said, "Why did they name her
after a car?"
I love the way you laugh!
I love you, you're funny.
How come a girl as bright as you
has a brother who's so...
Don't call me stupid!
Jesus Christ!
Come on!
Otto!
Ouch!
I'll deal with you later!
What have you done with her?
She's all right!
Now, apologise!
What?
Apologise!
WANDA SHOUTS: Oh, shit!
Are you totally deranged?
You pompous...
..stuck-up, snot-nosed, English...
..giant twerp scumbag...
..fuck-face dickhead...
..asshole! How very interesting.
You're a true vulgarian. You're
the vulgarian, you fuck. Apologise!
Me to you?
Apologise!
I apologise. You're really sorry?
I'm really, really sorry.
You take it back? I do. I offer a
complete retraction. The imputation
was totally without basis in fact,
and was in no way fair comment.
I deeply regret any distress that
my comments may have caused you.
I hereby undertake not to repeat
any such slander in the future.
OK.
Aaagh!
BELL TOLLS...
CHOIRBOYS SING "MISERERE DOMINE"
You said you loved him!
That's right, Otto.
Here's a multiple choice question
for you. A: Wanda was lying!
B: Wanda was telling the truth!
Pick one! The first one?
You said you weren't seeing him!
I knew you'd fuck it up!
I'm setting up a guy
who will tell me where the loot is
and if they're going to arrest you,
and you lope in like Rambo without
a jock strap, and dangle him
out of a window! Was that smart?
Was it shrewd? Was it
good tactics or was it stupid?
Don't call me stupid.
Calling you stupid
is an insult to stupid people!
Sheep could outwit you! I've worn
dresses with higher IQs, but you're
an intellectual, aren't you, ape?
Apes don't read philosophy!
They do.
They just don't understand it!
Let me correct you on a couple of
things. Aristotle was not Belgian.
The central message of Buddhism
is not every man for himself.
And the London Underground is not
a political movement! Those are all
mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.
You've just assaulted the man
who can keep you out of jail
and make you rich.
What are you going to do about it?
What would an intellectual do?
What would Plato do?
MUMBLES: Apologise. Pardon me?
Apologise. What?
APOLOGISE! RIGHT!
I'm sorry.
No, not to me. To Archie.
And make it good or we're dead.
Oh, I'm so very, very, very...
FUCK YOU!
I'm so....
I'm very, very... I'm so...
I'm very, very, very...
Very, very...
SMASHING GLASS
THUD!
Ooh! Help!
Hello, Mr Burglar! Going somewhere?
Thought you could rob Mr Leach, eh?
Well, he's a good friend of mine!
Otto! He'll be pleased with me
when he... Otto!
..finds you tied up
and ready for the police!
And don't call me Otto.
To you, I am Mr...
Aaagh!
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry.
I didn't know it was you!
How could I know it was you?
How could I guess? Stupid jerk!
I mean, what the fuck are you doing
robbing your own house, you asshole?
You stupid, pompous, English...
Aaagh! I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
Er...
Er... Yeah!
DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS
WENDY SCREAMS
Bloody hell!
SHE RUNS DOWN THE STAIRS
Darling!
Are you hurt?
Speak to me! Mmm. Are you hurt?
Can't you speak?
Archie, what has happened?
HE COUGHS
We've been burgled. Oh, no!
Well, are you hurt?
I'm fine. A bit of a headache.
I came in here, somebody hit me...
Is that the time?
What?
I didn't know it was so late. What?
I'm late for a conference. You've
just been attacked! I must fly!
Archie! I'll help you tidy up later!
Hello, Portia! What's happened?
Your father has finally gone
completely mental.
Hi.
Thank you so much. Champagne? OK.
To us. To us.
I went to the house and guess who...
SMASHES GLASS
Let's make love!
Well, if you absolutely insist.
No. What? Here.
On the rug.
I'll be right back. Get undressed.
Why not? Why not indeed?
Afterwards... Yeah?
Let's go to South America.
What? Let's fly to South America.
Why South America?
OK, Iceland.
What do you really want
out of life, Wanda?
I don't know.
Why do I like you so much?
Archie... Hmm?
Do you speak Italian?
I am Italian!
Sono italiano in spirito.
Ho sposato una donna che
preferisce lavorare in giardino
a far l'amore passionato!
It's such an ugly language!
How about Russian?
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
THUD
RUSSIAN CONTINUES
Archie? Yeah?
Are you rich? No, I'm afraid not.
What about the house?
That's Wendy's, she's the rich one.
Oh.
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
What the hell are you doing?
I might ask you the same!
Who are you? What?
Get your clothes on!
Please leave immediately! What?
You're in the wrong flat!
This flat belongs to Patrick
Balfour. He lent me the key. We
leased it from the agents last week.
Well, obviously
that changes things a bit.
Aren't you Archie Leach?
What? You bought our house
in Lissenden Gardens.
Hazel and Ian Johnson.
What a coincidence!
How nice to see you!
HE DIALS
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
'Hello, Wanda. It's Archie.
Listen...'
..I can't see you any more.
I'm sorry.
What?
'I'm sorry.'
HE HANGS UP
Archie?
Er...
OK... Oh, no!
Please! Look, I want to apologise.
I just finished it, all right?
Wait! I want to speak with you.
Leave me alone!
Wait! I just want to say I'm sorry!
It's all over, OK?
Jesus Christ! Will you calm down?
Help!
Please don't beat me up again.
Listen! I've had a terrible day!
Will you shut up?! Don't kill me!
Shut up then!
OK, look...
I just want to apologise...
ARCHIE WHIMPERS
..for dangling you out the window.
It wasn't a nice thing to do.
And when I attacked you in there...
I didn't know you were robbing your
own house. I was trying to help!
Yes, thanks, Otto.
I wanted you to trust me.
Yes, it was my fault. That's true.
About my sister. She's a very
sexy girl. I understand you
wanting to play around with her.
Otto... It's OK. I was wrong.
I was jealous.
Go ahead. Pork away, pal.
Fuck her blue.
I like you, Archie.
I just want to help.
Oh, God!
Killed her!
I did it!
Did it! Nothing!
Unbe-fucking-lievable!
Thomason!
Yeah?
Yes.
You done well, my son!
Now, here's the plan.
Get four tickets for this evening
for Rio. First class.
F-F...?
Yeah, four. We'll get rid
of Otto later.
Back to the flat, pack, collect me
and then to the hotel for the jewels.
Unbe-fucking-lievable!
Oi! Oi!
I can't believe it!
He's safe!
PHONE RINGS
I'll be late for court!
H-Hello? Hello, Otto.
No, she just, er, left.
Oh, Otto...
..you owe me a p-p...
What?
You owe me a pound!
Not Granny!
M-Met with an accident!
Bullshit! You're lying!
Dead?
Heart attack.
I don't believe this.
G-George will be out this afternoon.
We go to Heathrow, get the loot,
and...VROOM!
All thanks...to...
..me!
The loot's at the airport, is it?
W-What's h-happening?
Well, Ken, I'm going to ask you
questions while I eat my chips.
First, who is the philosopher
who developed the concept of the
superman in Also Sprach Zarathustra?
No? A chip up the nose, I'm afraid!
Friedrich Nietzsche! Next!
In which book did Nietzsche claim
that almost all higher culture
is based on cruelty?
Are you thinking or in mid-stutter?
You're m-mad!
Beyond Good And Evil!
I'll have to ask you an easy one.
OK... Um...
Let me think.
Where are the diamonds?
I'll give you a clue.
Somewhere around the airport!
I'm n-n... No hassle.
There's plenty of time, Ken.
I'll just sit here and eat my chips
till you tell me.
The English contribution
to world cuisine - the chip!
What do the English
usually eat with chips
to make them more interesting?
Wait a moment!
It's fish, isn't it?
Down the hatch!
Oh!
Delicious!
You b-b...
..Better eat the green one? OK.
What's his name?
Not Wanda, anyway.
I'll call her Lunch.
Hello, Lunch!
Ugh! Avoid the green ones!
They're not ripe yet!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
You were in court, Inspector, when
the forensic evidence was read. Yes.
Mr Thomason was installing windows.
That accounts for the particles
of glass on his trousers.
No hurry, Inspector -
please do take your time.
I'm almost full.
Almost! Stop!
Please...don't!
Come on, Wanda! Gullet time!
Which hotels are near the airport?
The Airway Sheraton? The Post
House? The Cathcart Towers?
The Cathcart Towers? Yes?
Mmm?
Yes! In a safe deposit box?
Yes!
Where's the key?
In t-the t-tank.
Where?
In the ch-ch... In the chest?
Where?
Where?
You...
..m-murdering...!
I'll k-kill...
..I'll kill you!
Sorry, Ken, but your answer
was incorrect.
You really did think
it was in there, didn't you?
What?
Oh!
Hello? I know where the diamonds
are. Where? Where's the key?
I've got it. How soon can you get
to George's apartment?
Are you Wanda Gershwitz
of Kipling Mansions, Murray Road,
London W9? Yes.
How do you know the defendant?
We've had a relationship
for two years.
"Relationship?"
We're lovers, Your Lord.
Miss Gershwitz, on 4 March of this
year in the morning, where were you?
I was at the apartment
at Murray Road.
Were you alone or with someone
else? Someone else was there.
Who was that? My brother.
Did your...
Your brother?
My brother.
Yes.
Yes...
And are you quite sure
it was your brother?
Miss Gershwitz would recognise her
brother. She's had a relationship
with him all her life.
Much obliged, My Lord.
Was there anyone else present that
morning? Yes, George was there.
He left about five to seven. Wanda!
I WONDER... I wonder...?
I wonder...
Yes, Mr Leach?
I Wendy... I wonder...
W-When...
When you say five to seven,
Miss, er, Gershwitz,
how can you be so sure?
I looked at the clock and I thought
where can he be going at 6.55
with that sawn-off shotgun?
Darling!
Mr Leach...
"Darling"? Yes, dear?
Bitch! You fucking bitch!
WANDA SCREAMS
JUDGE: Restrain that man!
Restrain this man!
I'm adjourning this case
for an hour!
Clear the court!
Clear the court!
Clear the court!
Clear the court! Clear the court!
Bloody hell!
It's my husband, he's been hit!
A bit of a knock, I'm afraid.
I have never been
so humiliated in my life!
You can stick this marriage right
in your bottom! See you in court!
Yes.
Well...
..that's it then.
George. What?
We've got to talk.
You tell those pigs to fuck off!
Fuck off, pigs!
Did you hear what I said?
Fuck...off!
What's she up to, George?
What are you up to?
You called her darling!
And Wanda!
I was helping her get her evidence
straight. You been coaching her?
What do you think?
They'll find you guilty.
Tell them where the loot is and you
may get eight years, out in five.
What if I tell them
about Otto and Wanda?
They both did it? Yeah. Great!
Maybe six years, out in four?
So where are the diamonds?
Where's Bartlett? He's trying to
calm things down. Where are they?
Tell Bart that Ken knows
where they are.
George, it would be a lot quicker
if you told me.
OK, I'll tell Bartlett.
Where's Ken? He's at the flat.
WAILING
SOBS:
I'll be right out.
Taxi! Taxi! Shit!
Taxi! Come on!
What? Let's go! Where? Buenos Aires.
What? We're going to George's flat
first. Get in!
Got your passport? Yeah. Check
the briefcase for mine. Get down.
You did the robbery,
shopped one lover,
kept the other to find the diamonds,
and when he does, you turn him in.
Everyone does it in America!
They don't here! No-one lies
in England, not even Thatcher(!)
You lied to me! You just wanted
to get me into bed!
I fell in love with you!
How come you dumped me then?
I wasn't rich enough, remember?
Say something in Russian? No!
What are you thinking, Archie?
Why I should take you
to South America with me.
How about because I have
the key to the safety deposit box?
That's a good reason!
What about Otto? I'll handle Otto.
He's dangerous.
So am I.
Keep it running.
Why did you bring him?
Otto, just wait!
I think you like that... Wait!
Let's get the diamonds.
Ken? Are you Ken?
How do you do?
I'm George's barrister.
CRUNCH AS CARS COLLIDE
Asshole!
GUNSHO
Archie!
Where have they gone?
Quick! Where have they gone?
They've g-gone... What?
KEN GASPS
Are you all right?
They've gone to the Cath... Cath...
Are you ill?
I've g-go... Cath...
Have you got a stutter?
Y-Yeah... A bit. OK, don't worry.
Do you know where they've gone?
Yes. Fine. Where?
The Cath... Hotel.
Hotel?
Which hotel?
The Cath...
The Cath... The Cath...
Go on.
The Cath...
Wait, wait!
Slowly. Very slowly.
The Cath...
The Cath...
The Cath... The Cath...
No hurry.
Sing it!
STRANGLED CRY
# The Cath...!
# The Cath...! The Cath...! #
Plenty of time.
The Cath...
The Cath...
OH, COME ON! I'm sorry.
Wait.
The Cath...
Write it!
The Cathcart Towers Hotel?
The Cathcart Towers Hotel.
Where is it? Ken, where is it?
Where?
Hea... Hea...
Again!
Heathrow Airport.
MAN: Hey! What's the idea?!
You can't stay here!
Take it. It's yours!
Thank you. British Airways to Rio?
Terminal 4, sir. Thank you.
Is this your vehicle, sir?
I'll be right back.
Aisle, window? Smoking, non-smoking?
What was the middle one? Anything
in non-smoking is fine. Gate 14.
Rio!
There's a cop behind us. Quick!
We can just do it, Mr Leach. Great!
Luggage?
I don't really need any.
Gate 14.
Ciao, stupidissimo!
Ow! Aaah!
GUNSHOTS
Come on, Archie. Pick up the phone!
Sir! Airport Security. May I see
your boarding pass? Certainly.
Please step over here.
Look, the Queen! Where?
Hup!
OK, don't get excited!
It's you! I was actually worried
for a minute!
Hands up! No! Up!
I'll make a deal with you. I'll put
one up. Put the other one up!
Which looks better?
I'm warning you, Otto. What are you
going to do, Archie? Shoot me?
Gun me down? If you want to settle
something with me, then fight me!
You're a man, aren't you?
Let's fight like men! All right.
All right, then. OK.
OK.
You look good, Arch.
I used to box for Oxford.
Yeah? I used to kill for the CIA.
Get your hands up.
No.
You spineless bimbo!
Now, out!
I'll have to shoot you, but I've
some time before my plane leaves
and I'm longing to humiliate you.
Get in that barrel.
What? In the barrel!
Right!
You English think
you're so superior!
You're the filth of the planet!
A bunch of pompous,
poverty-stricken,
sexually-repressed
football hooligans!
Goodbye!
At least we're not irretrievably
vulgar! You don't like winners!
Winners? Yeah, winners.
Winners like North Vietnam?
Shut up! We did not lose Vietnam.
It was a tie!
AMERICAN ACCENT: I'm telling you,
they kicked a little ass there!
They whipped your hide real good!
They didn't. They did.
They didn't. Oh, yes, they did!
Oh, no, they... Shut up!
Goodbye, Archie. Going to shoot me?
'Fraid so, old chap! Sorry!
Look!
Revenge!
It's K-Ken coming to k-kill me!
How are you going
to c-catch me, K-Ken?
Now where was I? Oh, yeah.
Shit!
Stupid fucking limey cement!
Ken! Ken! Wait, wait, Ken!
Kenny! May I call you Kenny?
Revenge for Wanda!
OK, 60-40!
That's my final offer! Revenge!
I've got an idea. You take it all.
Here's my boarding pass! Ken!
I'm going to k-kill you!
OK, fine. Give me your best shot.
You don't have the guts. Admit it!
OK, you have the guts. Good. Wait!
Death!
All right.
I'm sorry I ate your fish, OK?
Revenge!
Jesus! I said I'm sorry. What the...
Got him!
Got you, Ken. You bastard!
Hey! I've lost my stutter!
It's gone!
I can speak! How much wood
could a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Boarding pass, sir.
SHE SIGHS
Buongiorno, signorina.
Now listen. Two things.
One - behave yourself from now on
or I'll break your neck, OK?
Two...
Gorbachev, Glasnost...
Molotov!
Blinis...
Er, Lenin.
OTTO MOUTHS
Pushkin. Chicken Kiev.
Good. Dostoyevsky.
Roubles.
PLANE ENGINE ROARS
Ass-h-o-l-e!
And on that point, members
of the jury, I rest my case.
CAMERA CLICKS
RINGING
Hello, Wanda.
Hi, Ken.
Hello, W-Wanda.
Ken...this is Otto. Hello, Ken.
Wanda's told me a lot about you.
Hey, great fish! A little lemon,
tartare sauce - perfect!
Is George back yet?
N-No, he had to g-go...
What?
That's quite a stutter
you've got there!
It's OK. It doesn't bother me.
So George needs a weapons man, eh?
A cup of tea, Ken? Y-Yuh...
Yeah, he'd like one.
My friend in the CIA had a stutter.
Cost him his life, dammit.
DOOR OPENS
Hi, George.
Hello, George.
Get you a scotch?
Yeah.
George...
This is Otto.
So...
..you're Wanda's brother? Good to be
here. England is a fine country!
Did she tell you what we need?
KEN GASPS
Something like that?
Something like that.
Hello, Wendy!
Had a good day?
I spend the morning trying to get
the waste disposal man to come,
had lunch with Marjorie Brooks who
spends the entire meal complaining,
then I come back here and Sandersons
have sent the wrong flowers.
Oh, no! Would you like some tea?
Yes!
I won the case. This is the first
moment I've had to myself all day!
Portia, how was the show? Awful.
I need a new horse. But you liked
Phantom. He's not fit for dog meat.
Can I change him?
It won't cost much.
Aren't you making the tea, Archie?
Let me do it. No, I'LL do it!
I won the case!
Oh! Now this is cracked!
They're worth about 100,000 each.
There are 135 of them -
that makes 13 million, my friends!
Dollars? Pounds, pet.
This is the big one, so...
OK.
Yeah.
Otto!
Yes?
OK.
What?
The plan!
Yeah, great! What was
the middle thing about the police?
We don't meet up at Heathrow
until Tuesday... Yeah!
I haven't finished yet!
Because the police will watch
the airports for 72 hours. I know.
I know.
Do you want m-me to g-get...
..a b-big...c-car?
Yes, Ken. A limo, OK?
Put diplomatic plates on it.
What if he has to say something
during the break-in? No-one says
anything! It's OK. Ken's good.
So, next week, we won't have
to look for work!
And it won't have to look for us!
Oscar Wilde.
You really like animals, don't you?
What's the attraction?
Because you can t-trust them...
..and they don't sh... Shit on you?
..Shove off all the time.
Nietzsche said
they were God's second blunder.
Bye, Sis!
Well, you t-tell him from me...
that I c-could...
Bye, George!
Talk to Mom and tell her I said hi.
OK.
THEY WHISPER: Don't let him
touch you. We'll be together soon.
I'm sorry my brother's
so insensitive.
He's had a hard life.
Dad used to beat him up.
Good.
Move and you're dead!
ALARM RINGS
DOGS YAP
Look where you're going,
selfish pig!
People just think
they own the pavement!
I love robbing the English!
They're so polite.
Th-Th... What? The dog! 20 million
dollars and he's worried about
an insect! It's not an in-in...
Stammer's no better, is it?
Have you thought about surgery?
SIRENS WAIL
Ken...
Bye.
Let's split. Heathrow, Tuesday.
No celebrating! No celebrating?
See you in a couple of hours. OK.
To 20 million.
To a job well done! To us.
To the best brother and sister
team since... Romeo and Juliet?
Those cockney klutzes
bought our story! What MORONS!
I want you to know something. What?
Even if you were my brother,
I'd still want to fuck you.
Ooh... Mmm...
Make the call.
Un momento, carissima. No Italian!
Due insalate verde
con pepperoni! No!
E un linguini primavera!
No! Make the call, Otto!
Are you really Italian?
Assolutamente.
Otto means eight.
Say arrivederci a Giorgio.
Bye, George. Putta me through to...
Hello. Sorry to trouble you,
but I thought you'd like to know
that the Hatton Garden robbery was
pulled off by a Mr George Thomason.
He lives at...
..flat 3, Kipling Mansions,
Murray Road, London W9.
Wanda?
POLICE SIRENS WAIL
KNOCKING
Open up!
George Francis Thomason?
Passport. Tickets. Money.
Asshole!
CAR CRASHES
We're rich, Wanda. Yep!
I bet you've had the most exciting
time of your life with me.
You said it!
HE GASPS
..OK.
OK... I'm DISAPPOINTED!
Son of a bitch!
What do you have to do to make
people trust you?! Shut up!
People always take advantage of me!
Think! Where is it?
What are you doing? I'm thinking!
First I'll hang him up
with piano wire, then...
I'm going to talk to him.
Then I'll... Talk to who?
Talk to who?
In the course of installing these
windows, you knelt on broken glass
from the pane you'd dropped? Yes.
And your parents can confirm this?
And his aunt, Georgina Thomason.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Yes?
Excuse me, sir. There's
a young lady to see Thomason.
Anything else? That's everything
for the moment, thanks.
Ken will be in
with the fish food later.
Thanks.
OK.
Well? We'll be OK on the glass,
but what else will they have?
WOLF WHISTLES
Oh, George!
I can't believe this is happening!
That's not allowed, miss.
Are you OK? I'm all right.
I can't handle this.
I couldn't sleep. I was afraid
the police... Leave it out, OK?
Listen...
Listen!
You stayed at my place.
We slept late.
You made me breakfast.
What? What's he doing here?
He wanted to see you!
Who did it, George?
Do you want me to rub him out?
Anything. You name it.
I have friends making enquiries.
Good.
The jewels are very safe.
If I get sent down, it gets
handed back to cut my sentence.
To cut my sentence even more, I
could tell them who done it with me,
if I wasn't very happy
about everything.
What was the middle thing?
Piss off.
Do you want me to...? Now!
George...
..you don't think...? Do you?
No!
No...
No!
OK. George? What?
(Are you sure the garage
is very safe?)
Trust me.
Thanks a lot. Bye. Have a good day.
He's not sure it was you. That's
something, I guess. What about you?
He believes me. That's why he can't
figure out about you. Figure out
what? If you turned him in, stupid!
Don't, er...
..ever, ever, EVER
call me stupid, OK?
What?
That's George's lawyer. The other
guy must be the barrister.
So? Trust me.
Let me know if anything
unexpected turns up. Excuse me!
Don't I recognise you?
No, I don't think so.
Oh... But you are
a famous barrister, aren't you?
Um... Well, hardly!
Well, could I have
your autograph anyway?
Yes, certainly. Thanks.
I'm studying aspects of your legal
system. I'm American. Oh, really?
I've only just started. It's
fascinating! What brings you here?
It's a little embarrassing.
I have a friend.
Oh, I see. Well, there you are.
I knew it! You're Archie Leesh!
Leach. Right!
I saw you in court,
er...two weeks ago!
The casino break-in?
Oh, you were great!
Oh, I'm a big fan of yours! I love
the way you, er...cross-examine.
I really admire your work!
Thank you.
I'd better not... I don't suppose
you'd...? No, fine. Right.
Well...
Thank you for this.
I'll treasure it.
Au revoir.
You speak French, too.
What's going on? Whatever George
decides to do, he'll tell Leach.
Why?
Because he's his lawyer.
I know that.
So I'll get to know Leach. George
will tell him where the diamonds
are? That's what I'll find out.
You done well, my son!
Where we gonna hide it?
The fish tank.
Very good.
Don't tell Wanda anything. Otto
might get something out of her.
George.
You are going to g-get off?
Don't worry, Ken. We'll
fix it. Anything on Otto?
Not yet.
You watch him.
Ken?
OK.
The police have been all over it.
I'll change and then I'll help look.
Hello...K-Ken's p-p-p-pets!
Hey!
Wake up! Wake up, limey fish!
So, how are you going to get
friendly with this lawyer?
I don't know. I'll improvise.
Insects!
I thought Englishmen didn't like
women, the way they talk.
He's straight. Cute, too,
in a pompous sort of way.
You got the hots for him?
I'm not into necrophilia, thanks!
Is this hump-a-limey week? Otto
disapproves. Otto might get jealous.
E molto pericoloso, signorina.
Molto pericoloso...
Carissima... Speak it! Speak it!
Ossobuco milanese con piselli!
Melanzane...
Parmigiana con spinace!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
No! No! No! Si! Si! Si!
No! Not here!
Not here, Otto!
Um... Mozzarella? No, not here!
Parmigiano!
No!
Wanda?
Look what I've got, Wanda!
Treasure!
I thought it was the police.
Isn't it horrible about George?
I've a headache.
Will you buy me some aspirin?
DOOR SHUTS
What's that? Otto's in the bathroom.
Otto? We went to see George.
It was horrible!
Isn't it terrible about George?
When I find the bastard
who squealed!
I love that man!
What are you doing here?
Wanda was upset, Ken.
She needed to talk to family.
But sh-she just had a sh-shower!
I must speak to you.
WANDA SOBS
Are you OK? Yes. Thanks for coming.
Call me if you need me. OK.
Can't you think about her feelings?
Something f-funny is going on!
Oh, dear.
You don't even know why
you're excited. I saw the... Ken!
Isn't it time you faced up
to certain realities, Ken?
Come on!
You're attractive. You're smart.
You've wonderful bones, great eyes,
and you dress interestingly.
W-What...?
We could have fun together.
We'd be good for each other.
What do you say?
You must be j-jo... May I kiss you?
No, you fucking can't!
Just a peck! No tongue! No!
Ken!
OK, you didn't realise I was gay.
OK, look, I'm sorry.
I've handled this badly.
The physical side can wait.
You need time.
But will you think about it?
Oh, my God!
OH, MY GOD!
Ken, somebody just called!
They said that the police know that
the loot is in a garage in Fulham!
You and I have to go and move it
before the police find it! N-No!
It's all right! What?
Geor... Geor... George...
Mo... Mo... Moved...
George moved the loot?! Yes.
WHERE DID HE MOVE IT, KEN?
Ca...
Ca...
I don't know. There's a key.
It's in...
Don't tell me. It's better not to.
Oh, you know,
if it wasn't for George...
Otto...
..tried to ki...kiss me.
I thought he might.
No, nothing. No marks at all.
But it is a safety deposit box key?
Yes. But it could be any one
of millions - hotels, banks, offices.
Thank you.
(Fuck!)
That's him. That's him, Inspector.
HE tried to murder my dogs!
Davidson!
A legal student wants to see me.
What time is Sir John due? 12.30.
Come in!
Hi. How nice to see you!
Am I interrupting? Absolutely not.
Really? No, really.
I'm delighted to see you.
So...this is the place, huh?
This is it. Very nice!
I was over at the courts
this morning. It's fascinating!
Everyone wears these. Do you?
Ridiculous!
Well, I only have a few minutes
before... I'm sorry.
But I'm all yours.
I just have a few questions.
I'm having a problem
understanding preliminary
criminal procedures. Good.
What exactly is the committal?
It's where the prosecution
presents prima facie evidence
that the accused has a case
to answer for trial.
Let's just take, for example,
my friend George Thomason.
When he goes for his committal
on Wednesday... Thomason?
Yes. George Thomason?
Yes. Do you know him?
I'm defending him!
What are you talking about?
I'm his barrister. His lawyer.
That's so great!
That's so weird, though, isn't it?
I'm so happy
that you're defending him!
Thank you. He'll get off now!
Wow!
Well, I can watch you work now!
Please.
Amazing.
Anyway, at the committal,
George would then plead...
"Not Guilty". Really?
The evidence is circumstantial.
What about the identification?
An elderly lady.
I think they've got the wrong man.
You don't think he did it. No.
Let's just say for argument's sake
that you did think he did it.
If further evidence came to light,
for example. Right.
You'd advise him to plead guilty,
and turn over the jewels to cut his
sentence. He'd turn them over to?
To you?
Theoretically? Of course!
Well, um...
I'm so sorry,
I've forgotten your name.
Wanda.
Wanda. What a fool!
Well, Wanda, there are three...
Not Wanda Gershwitz?
Yes.
My God. What?
You're his alibi! I can't talk to
you! Why not? My dear young lady...
..you're a defence witness!
You must leave. Why? It's not
ethical for me to talk to a witness!
Everyone does it in America.
Please leave,
or I may have to give up the case.
Please?
Oh, Archie...
I didn't come here today to talk
about boring criminal procedures.
Come on! You know!
You knew the minute
I walked in here!
I want you.
What?
BUZZER
Hello? 'Sir John is here.'
Show him in. Make love with me.
'Pardon?' Nothing!
Take me to bed, Archie. No, sorry.
Bye, Uncle!
Hi!
DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC
He's pleading "Not Guilty",
so you're safe until the trial.
Leach doesn't think he did it.
Ken says there's
a safe deposit box key,
but only George knows where it is.
"Thank you, Wanda(!)"
What have YOU found out?
Not a lot. You realise he's
in court tomorrow? I know that!
So nothing, huh? Nichts!
Zip...
Diddly... Bubkas...
Niente!
It's too big! No, it isn't, Portia.
It's enormous! No, it isn't!
Please, Mother. Absolutely not!
I'm so miserable and you just
don't care! Do shut up, Portia!
People complain to me all day!
Oh, dear.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
TRUMPET FANFARE
Ecco l'uomo!
Le due cupole grande
della cattedrale di Milano!
Benito Mussolini!
Dov'e il Vaticano?
Oh... Ecco l'uomo!
# Volare, oh, oh!
# E cantare, oh, oh... #
Archie, I want you to speak to her
about plastic surgery. Hmm?
I wish you'd listen. I want you to
speak to Portia. I'll speak to her
in the morning. Good night, Archie.
Good night, Archie!
Good night, Wanda!
Good night who?
Sorry, darling. Just a stupid case
I've got tomorrow with some old hag.
Are you George Francis Thomason
of Kipling Mansions, London W9?
Yes, sir.
Charged with armed robbery.
Sit down.
Are we ready for a committal claim?
Yes, it will be under 6-2.
That is correct.
Here are the statements.
To be fully bound, please.
Stand up, Mr Thomason.
You are hereby committed to stand
trial at the central criminal court.
There is some urgency
about this case, madam.
The main witness, Mrs Eileen Cody,
has had heart difficulties recently.
Might this case be put down
for an early trial?
The listings officer will decide.
Take him to the cell.
Hi, hon. You look great! I love
your hair! Time for a coffee?
No. Have you considered it, though?
Why did he give you this? "Eileen
Cody, 69, Basil Street"? Is it to
send her flowers? Do her shopping?
Rub her out?
He wants you to rub her out?
He's going to kill her!
LAUGHS MANIACALLY
Fuck off, or I'll kill YOU!
Limey fruits!
So the old lady's going to m-meet
with an accident, eh, K-Ken? Sssh!
What's so funny? Nothing. It's just
that wasting old ladies isn't nice!
It's better than...buggering people!
I bet you a pound
you don't kill her!
All right. All right.
I love watching your ass when you
walk. Is that beautiful or what?
Don't go near him! He's mine!
A pound says you won't kill her!
When could you look at it?
Thursday is hopeless.
My wife's going to the opera
Friday night. I'll look at it then.
Thanks, Archie.
Hi. I know we're not allowed
to talk. Give me a call. I can't!
Please.
I'm not allowed to speak.
You don't have to. I don't
want you for your conversation.
Look, I'd love to, but...
LOUD WAILS
What happened? Got a date Friday.
JOLLY WHISTLING
DOGS YAP
Look here. Do you mind
not making that terrible noise?
My dogs will be having their nap.
Nice doggy...
DOGS BARK AND GROWL
Otto, what are you doing?
Buddhist meditation. It focuses
aggression. The monks did it before
battle. What kind of buddhism is it?
HORN BLARES
Asshole!
It's an early Tantric meditation...
What is this? To get information I
might have to get friendly with him.
We're ready now at last.
Enjoy the opera, darling. Supper's
in the fridge, Archie. Be good.
What does "friendly" mean?
Cordial? Courteous?
Supportive? What?
I don't know.
Let's just see what happens.
So "friendly" might
include what? Penetration, say?
I don't need your jealousy now.
Jealousy? Yes! I'm just curious.
Me jealous of that fop?
What about my tits?
Does he get to handle them? Yes.
That's my forecast. Nuzzling?
is worth a little nuzzling.
Sucking? I thought you weren't
jealous! Jealousy is for the weak.
One thing, though -
touch his dick and he's dead!
Daddy didn't get the car serviced.
Aren't we going? Do shut up, Portia!
(Hurry up.)
Hi.
Do you despise me?
No, that's not a word
that leaps to mind(!)
Can I stay then?
Of course.
Look...Wanda...
I know. Your wife's coming back.
It's about what I said to you.
It IS all right for us to speak.
It is?
Provided we don't discuss the case.
Oh...
Oh, fine.
It's just that if anyone saw us
talking... But they won't.
Sorry if I seem...pompous.
Oh, you're the best, Archie.
No...
Not yet. I'm thirsty.
What shall I get you?
Whisky.
You are the sexiest, most beautiful
girl I have ever seen...
..in my entire life.
Get me my drink.
Oh... Oh, Archie.
Oh, Archie!
So...
..if George decides
to change his plea,
he'd tell you where the loot
was first, wouldn't he? Mmm?
Darling, we mustn't talk about the
trial. I just meant theoretically.
Kiss me there.
Oh, theoretically...
HE STARTS TO GIVE
A MUFFLED REPLY
What's wrong? It's wonderful!
Oh!
What's wrong? Oh, you're getting me
so hot! I need something to drink.
Something cold? Maybe in the
fridge? Champagne? My favourite!
Don't go away!
Je reviens!
What are you doing here?! Relax!
Get the fuck out! The moaning
worried me. I was faking it, stupid!
Don't call me stupid!
And I'm not jealous. Leave! OK!
What a nice place.
Don't touch his dick!
(His wife!)
For goodness sake, get off to bed!
Oh, God, there isn't any ice!
Champagne!
What's the matter?
What are you doing?
Champagne, dear.
To welcome you home.
Let me pour you a glass.
Whose is the car? Car?
Blocking the drive.
How was the opera?
Whose car is it?
Mine. A beauty, isn't it? Where
did I leave my drink, Archie? Ah!
Who is this? Don't you know?
How do you do, Mrs Leach?
I'm Harvey Manfrend...gendson.
I'm with the CIA. CIA?
That's right, ma'am.
I was telling your husband
before I had to go
to your beautiful bathroom....
..we've a KGB defector
in a safe house near here.
We're debriefing him
as of now and we're just...
..checking the houses in the area.
For what? For the KGB.
Is there any danger? No.
No, not now.
We, er, we just want
to keep everyone informed.
Thanks for the drink.
Sorry to have troubled you. Keep
everyone informed. There's no panic.
Isn't it a secret? You have no idea
how secret. Why are you telling us?
It's a smokescreen?
What? Double bluff.
You know nothing
about intelligence work, lady.
It's an XK Red 27 technique.
My father was in the Secret Service,
Mr Manfredgendson. I know that
you don't inform the general public
when debriefing the KGB in a safe
house. You don't, huh? Not unless
you're irretrievably stupid, no.
Don't call me stupid!
Why not?
Oh, you English are so superior,
aren't you?
Would you like to know
where you'd be without the U-S of A
to protect you? I'll tell you.
The smallest fucking province
in the Russian empire!
Don't call me stupid, thank me!
Thank you for popping in
and protecting us!
If it wasn't for us, you'd be
singing Deutschland Uber Alles!
My brother's covering for me! Get
rid of your wife and get my locket!
Right. I'll get rid of her.
Who are you talking to? Myself.
Who was shouting?
A friend's brother.
Archie! Who on earth...? He rang
the bell and... Let's go to the pub!
What? Would you like to? We haven't
been to the pub for 15 years!
I want to show Portia. Honestly!
AAAGH! What on earth is it?
I thought the picture was falling.
What's this? Well done! Coming
with us? What was that? A necklace.
What's going on? Nothing. Let's go.
Can I see that? What? In your hand.
Your other hand!
Portia, go to your room. I forgot
some papers and a secretary... GO!
Oh, Archie... No, really.
It's lovely!
Thank you!
It's even got a "W" for Wendy!
I'm so glad you like it, darling!
It's the most beautiful thing
you've ever given me!
Archie! This isn't like you!
Are you fucking crazy?!
I saved your ass! I had him right
where I wanted him, you asshole!
I gave you one fucking thing to do,
Otto! You were supposed to drive me
here and shut up! Relax!
CAR DRIVES AWAY NOISILY
TELEPHONE RINGS
Hello?
Hold on. ..It's for you.
Hello?
Not at the moment, no.
I'm not quite sure when
I'll be able to get hold of that.
Yes, yes, I do appreciate that.
As soon as possible.
Well, that would be very nice,
obviously.
See you soon, I hope.
Bye, Frank.
DOG GROWLS AND BARKS
Easy! Calm down! Easy, g-girl!
Easy!
Come here.
Smell!
Smell!
Now, k-k-k...
..k-k-kill!
BELL TOLLS
We therefore commit its body
to the ground.
Earth to earth,
ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
CHOIR BOYS SING "MISERERE DOMINE"
Hello, honey. What happened?
N-Nothing. What's that?
Um... Not Granny?
N-Not yet. Who is it for then?
A f-f... A fish? Frenchman?
Phone operator? F-Friend.
A four-legged one? Oh!
Where's my sister?
In the b-b... Thank you.
..lavatory.
Wanda!
QUIETLY:
Anything? What? ..No!
SHOUTING:
Why are you here? I'm bored!
Bored wandering around this awful
city shoving George's ugly pict...
Talking to snotty,
stuck-up British faggots.
Jesus, they're uptight!
They get rigor mortis
in the prime of life!
Standing with their hair clenched...
..waiting for the weekend
so they can dress as ballerinas...
"The flat at four. 2B..."?
To be, or not to be...honest,
I hate them!
I mean, pretending they're
so fucking lawyer...so fucking
superior with those phoney accents!
You've a beautiful voice, Ken.
When it works!
Son of a bitch!
LOUDLY:
So, want to have some lunch?
Heard from him? Who? Archie.
I have to finish my hair!
No. Nothing?
Well, I'm off.
No plans to see him?
No. ..OK, bye, Bro!
Bye, Wanda!
Sorry!
What? It wasn't theirs to sell.
An old lady gave it to them to be
engraved and someone put it in the
show case. That's their problem!
This is three times the value.
This is the nicest thing
you've given me,
and you want to replace it
with something
which is awfully vulgar! No!
WENDY! NO!
Tell them they can't have it!
You're the barrister!
Hello. Hello.
Oh, Archie, it's beautiful.
It's just BEAUTIFUL!
Oh, my God, look!
Oh, Archie, it's beautiful!
Isn't it wonderful?
Whose is it? It belongs to someone
at the chambers. Where are they?
Hong Kong. Ah, so!
Gone for weeks.
Nice rug, Archie!
May I?
Archie, what are you doing?
The polka, I think!
You make me feel FREE!
Free?
Wanda, do you have any idea
what it's like being English?
Being so correct and so stifled
by this dread
of doing the wrong thing?
Saying, "Are you married?" only to
hear, "My wife has just left me."
Or "Any children?" answered by
"They burned to death on Wednesday."
You see, we're all terrified
of embarrassment,
that's why we're so...dead. Most
of my friends are dead, you know.
We have these piles of corpses
to dinner. But you're alive.
God bless you. And I want to be.
I'm so fed up with all this...
I want to make love with you, Wanda.
I'm a good lover. At least, used to
be, back in the early 14th century.
Can we go to bed?
Yeah.
Hang on! Mind your head!
Aaagh!
I think I love you, Wanda!
Oh, Archie!
Can I ask you a question? Anything.
Where's my locket?
I couldn't get it. What?!
Wendy wouldn't give it back.
I got you this instead.
No! I have to have mine!
What's the ma...? Why?
My mother gave it to me.
On her...
..death bed!
Oh, I'm sorry. All right, darling,
I'll get it for you. You promise?
I'll think of something. Sex is
very difficult for me with someone
that I don't trust completely.
I promise I'll get it, OK?
Oh, I love you, Archie!
I've loved you ever since
the first second I saw you!
KNOCK
What was that? What?
Your brother didn't bring you here,
did he? No.
He has no idea?
He doesn't have a clue. What?
He is so dumb. He thought
the Gettysburg Address
was where Lincoln lived!
All those terrible lies
he told about the CIA!
When he heard
your daughter's name was Portia,
he said, "Why did they name her
after a car?"
I love the way you laugh!
I love you, you're funny.
How come a girl as bright as you
has a brother who's so...
Don't call me stupid!
Jesus Christ!
Come on!
Otto!
Ouch!
I'll deal with you later!
What have you done with her?
She's all right!
Now, apologise!
What?
Apologise!
WANDA SHOUTS: Oh, shit!
Are you totally deranged?
You pompous...
..stuck-up, snot-nosed, English...
..giant twerp scumbag...
..fuck-face dickhead...
..asshole! How very interesting.
You're a true vulgarian. You're
the vulgarian, you fuck. Apologise!
Me to you?
Apologise!
I apologise. You're really sorry?
I'm really, really sorry.
You take it back? I do. I offer a
complete retraction. The imputation
was totally without basis in fact,
and was in no way fair comment.
I deeply regret any distress that
my comments may have caused you.
I hereby undertake not to repeat
any such slander in the future.
OK.
Aaagh!
BELL TOLLS...
CHOIRBOYS SING "MISERERE DOMINE"
You said you loved him!
That's right, Otto.
Here's a multiple choice question
for you. A: Wanda was lying!
B: Wanda was telling the truth!
Pick one! The first one?
You said you weren't seeing him!
I knew you'd fuck it up!
I'm setting up a guy
who will tell me where the loot is
and if they're going to arrest you,
and you lope in like Rambo without
a jock strap, and dangle him
out of a window! Was that smart?
Was it shrewd? Was it
good tactics or was it stupid?
Don't call me stupid.
Calling you stupid
is an insult to stupid people!
Sheep could outwit you! I've worn
dresses with higher IQs, but you're
an intellectual, aren't you, ape?
Apes don't read philosophy!
They do.
They just don't understand it!
Let me correct you on a couple of
things. Aristotle was not Belgian.
The central message of Buddhism
is not every man for himself.
And the London Underground is not
a political movement! Those are all
mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.
You've just assaulted the man
who can keep you out of jail
and make you rich.
What are you going to do about it?
What would an intellectual do?
What would Plato do?
MUMBLES: Apologise. Pardon me?
Apologise. What?
APOLOGISE! RIGHT!
I'm sorry.
No, not to me. To Archie.
And make it good or we're dead.
Oh, I'm so very, very, very...
FUCK YOU!
I'm so....
I'm very, very... I'm so...
I'm very, very, very...
Very, very...
SMASHING GLASS
THUD!
Ooh! Help!
Hello, Mr Burglar! Going somewhere?
Thought you could rob Mr Leach, eh?
Well, he's a good friend of mine!
Otto! He'll be pleased with me
when he... Otto!
..finds you tied up
and ready for the police!
And don't call me Otto.
To you, I am Mr...
Aaagh!
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry.
I didn't know it was you!
How could I know it was you?
How could I guess? Stupid jerk!
I mean, what the fuck are you doing
robbing your own house, you asshole?
You stupid, pompous, English...
Aaagh! I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
Er...
Er... Yeah!
DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS
WENDY SCREAMS
Bloody hell!
SHE RUNS DOWN THE STAIRS
Darling!
Are you hurt?
Speak to me! Mmm. Are you hurt?
Can't you speak?
Archie, what has happened?
HE COUGHS
We've been burgled. Oh, no!
Well, are you hurt?
I'm fine. A bit of a headache.
I came in here, somebody hit me...
Is that the time?
What?
I didn't know it was so late. What?
I'm late for a conference. You've
just been attacked! I must fly!
Archie! I'll help you tidy up later!
Hello, Portia! What's happened?
Your father has finally gone
completely mental.
Hi.
Thank you so much. Champagne? OK.
To us. To us.
I went to the house and guess who...
SMASHES GLASS
Let's make love!
Well, if you absolutely insist.
No. What? Here.
On the rug.
I'll be right back. Get undressed.
Why not? Why not indeed?
Afterwards... Yeah?
Let's go to South America.
What? Let's fly to South America.
Why South America?
OK, Iceland.
What do you really want
out of life, Wanda?
I don't know.
Why do I like you so much?
Archie... Hmm?
Do you speak Italian?
I am Italian!
Sono italiano in spirito.
Ho sposato una donna che
preferisce lavorare in giardino
a far l'amore passionato!
It's such an ugly language!
How about Russian?
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
THUD
RUSSIAN CONTINUES
Archie? Yeah?
Are you rich? No, I'm afraid not.
What about the house?
That's Wendy's, she's the rich one.
Oh.
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
What the hell are you doing?
I might ask you the same!
Who are you? What?
Get your clothes on!
Please leave immediately! What?
You're in the wrong flat!
This flat belongs to Patrick
Balfour. He lent me the key. We
leased it from the agents last week.
Well, obviously
that changes things a bit.
Aren't you Archie Leach?
What? You bought our house
in Lissenden Gardens.
Hazel and Ian Johnson.
What a coincidence!
How nice to see you!
HE DIALS
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
'Hello, Wanda. It's Archie.
Listen...'
..I can't see you any more.
I'm sorry.
What?
'I'm sorry.'
HE HANGS UP
Archie?
Er...
OK... Oh, no!
Please! Look, I want to apologise.
I just finished it, all right?
Wait! I want to speak with you.
Leave me alone!
Wait! I just want to say I'm sorry!
It's all over, OK?
Jesus Christ! Will you calm down?
Help!
Please don't beat me up again.
Listen! I've had a terrible day!
Will you shut up?! Don't kill me!
Shut up then!
OK, look...
I just want to apologise...
ARCHIE WHIMPERS
..for dangling you out the window.
It wasn't a nice thing to do.
And when I attacked you in there...
I didn't know you were robbing your
own house. I was trying to help!
Yes, thanks, Otto.
I wanted you to trust me.
Yes, it was my fault. That's true.
About my sister. She's a very
sexy girl. I understand you
wanting to play around with her.
Otto... It's OK. I was wrong.
I was jealous.
Go ahead. Pork away, pal.
Fuck her blue.
I like you, Archie.
I just want to help.
Oh, God!
Killed her!
I did it!
Did it! Nothing!
Unbe-fucking-lievable!
Thomason!
Yeah?
Yes.
You done well, my son!
Now, here's the plan.
Get four tickets for this evening
for Rio. First class.
F-F...?
Yeah, four. We'll get rid
of Otto later.
Back to the flat, pack, collect me
and then to the hotel for the jewels.
Unbe-fucking-lievable!
Oi! Oi!
I can't believe it!
He's safe!
PHONE RINGS
I'll be late for court!
H-Hello? Hello, Otto.
No, she just, er, left.
Oh, Otto...
..you owe me a p-p...
What?
You owe me a pound!
Not Granny!
M-Met with an accident!
Bullshit! You're lying!
Dead?
Heart attack.
I don't believe this.
G-George will be out this afternoon.
We go to Heathrow, get the loot,
and...VROOM!
All thanks...to...
..me!
The loot's at the airport, is it?
W-What's h-happening?
Well, Ken, I'm going to ask you
questions while I eat my chips.
First, who is the philosopher
who developed the concept of the
superman in Also Sprach Zarathustra?
No? A chip up the nose, I'm afraid!
Friedrich Nietzsche! Next!
In which book did Nietzsche claim
that almost all higher culture
is based on cruelty?
Are you thinking or in mid-stutter?
You're m-mad!
Beyond Good And Evil!
I'll have to ask you an easy one.
OK... Um...
Let me think.
Where are the diamonds?
I'll give you a clue.
Somewhere around the airport!
I'm n-n... No hassle.
There's plenty of time, Ken.
I'll just sit here and eat my chips
till you tell me.
The English contribution
to world cuisine - the chip!
What do the English
usually eat with chips
to make them more interesting?
Wait a moment!
It's fish, isn't it?
Down the hatch!
Oh!
Delicious!
You b-b...
..Better eat the green one? OK.
What's his name?
Not Wanda, anyway.
I'll call her Lunch.
Hello, Lunch!
Ugh! Avoid the green ones!
They're not ripe yet!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
You were in court, Inspector, when
the forensic evidence was read. Yes.
Mr Thomason was installing windows.
That accounts for the particles
of glass on his trousers.
No hurry, Inspector -
please do take your time.
I'm almost full.
Almost! Stop!
Please...don't!
Come on, Wanda! Gullet time!
Which hotels are near the airport?
The Airway Sheraton? The Post
House? The Cathcart Towers?
The Cathcart Towers? Yes?
Mmm?
Yes! In a safe deposit box?
Yes!
Where's the key?
In t-the t-tank.
Where?
In the ch-ch... In the chest?
Where?
Where?
You...
..m-murdering...!
I'll k-kill...
..I'll kill you!
Sorry, Ken, but your answer
was incorrect.
You really did think
it was in there, didn't you?
What?
Oh!
Hello? I know where the diamonds
are. Where? Where's the key?
I've got it. How soon can you get
to George's apartment?
Are you Wanda Gershwitz
of Kipling Mansions, Murray Road,
London W9? Yes.
How do you know the defendant?
We've had a relationship
for two years.
"Relationship?"
We're lovers, Your Lord.
Miss Gershwitz, on 4 March of this
year in the morning, where were you?
I was at the apartment
at Murray Road.
Were you alone or with someone
else? Someone else was there.
Who was that? My brother.
Did your...
Your brother?
My brother.
Yes.
Yes...
And are you quite sure
it was your brother?
Miss Gershwitz would recognise her
brother. She's had a relationship
with him all her life.
Much obliged, My Lord.
Was there anyone else present that
morning? Yes, George was there.
He left about five to seven. Wanda!
I WONDER... I wonder...?
I wonder...
Yes, Mr Leach?
I Wendy... I wonder...
W-When...
When you say five to seven,
Miss, er, Gershwitz,
how can you be so sure?
I looked at the clock and I thought
where can he be going at 6.55
with that sawn-off shotgun?
Darling!
Mr Leach...
"Darling"? Yes, dear?
Bitch! You fucking bitch!
WANDA SCREAMS
JUDGE: Restrain that man!
Restrain this man!
I'm adjourning this case
for an hour!
Clear the court!
Clear the court!
Clear the court!
Clear the court! Clear the court!
Bloody hell!
It's my husband, he's been hit!
A bit of a knock, I'm afraid.
I have never been
so humiliated in my life!
You can stick this marriage right
in your bottom! See you in court!
Yes.
Well...
..that's it then.
George. What?
We've got to talk.
You tell those pigs to fuck off!
Fuck off, pigs!
Did you hear what I said?
Fuck...off!
What's she up to, George?
What are you up to?
You called her darling!
And Wanda!
I was helping her get her evidence
straight. You been coaching her?
What do you think?
They'll find you guilty.
Tell them where the loot is and you
may get eight years, out in five.
What if I tell them
about Otto and Wanda?
They both did it? Yeah. Great!
Maybe six years, out in four?
So where are the diamonds?
Where's Bartlett? He's trying to
calm things down. Where are they?
Tell Bart that Ken knows
where they are.
George, it would be a lot quicker
if you told me.
OK, I'll tell Bartlett.
Where's Ken? He's at the flat.
WAILING
SOBS:
I'll be right out.
Taxi! Taxi! Shit!
Taxi! Come on!
What? Let's go! Where? Buenos Aires.
What? We're going to George's flat
first. Get in!
Got your passport? Yeah. Check
the briefcase for mine. Get down.
You did the robbery,
shopped one lover,
kept the other to find the diamonds,
and when he does, you turn him in.
Everyone does it in America!
They don't here! No-one lies
in England, not even Thatcher(!)
You lied to me! You just wanted
to get me into bed!
I fell in love with you!
How come you dumped me then?
I wasn't rich enough, remember?
Say something in Russian? No!
What are you thinking, Archie?
Why I should take you
to South America with me.
How about because I have
the key to the safety deposit box?
That's a good reason!
What about Otto? I'll handle Otto.
He's dangerous.
So am I.
Keep it running.
Why did you bring him?
Otto, just wait!
I think you like that... Wait!
Let's get the diamonds.
Ken? Are you Ken?
How do you do?
I'm George's barrister.
CRUNCH AS CARS COLLIDE
Asshole!
GUNSHO
Archie!
Where have they gone?
Quick! Where have they gone?
They've g-gone... What?
KEN GASPS
Are you all right?
They've gone to the Cath... Cath...
Are you ill?
I've g-go... Cath...
Have you got a stutter?
Y-Yeah... A bit. OK, don't worry.
Do you know where they've gone?
Yes. Fine. Where?
The Cath... Hotel.
Hotel?
Which hotel?
The Cath...
The Cath... The Cath...
Go on.
The Cath...
Wait, wait!
Slowly. Very slowly.
The Cath...
The Cath...
The Cath... The Cath...
No hurry.
Sing it!
STRANGLED CRY
# The Cath...!
# The Cath...! The Cath...! #
Plenty of time.
The Cath...
The Cath...
OH, COME ON! I'm sorry.
Wait.
The Cath...
Write it!
The Cathcart Towers Hotel?
The Cathcart Towers Hotel.
Where is it? Ken, where is it?
Where?
Hea... Hea...
Again!
Heathrow Airport.
MAN: Hey! What's the idea?!
You can't stay here!
Take it. It's yours!
Thank you. British Airways to Rio?
Terminal 4, sir. Thank you.
Is this your vehicle, sir?
I'll be right back.
Aisle, window? Smoking, non-smoking?
What was the middle one? Anything
in non-smoking is fine. Gate 14.
Rio!
There's a cop behind us. Quick!
We can just do it, Mr Leach. Great!
Luggage?
I don't really need any.
Gate 14.
Ciao, stupidissimo!
Ow! Aaah!
GUNSHOTS
Come on, Archie. Pick up the phone!
Sir! Airport Security. May I see
your boarding pass? Certainly.
Please step over here.
Look, the Queen! Where?
Hup!
OK, don't get excited!
It's you! I was actually worried
for a minute!
Hands up! No! Up!
I'll make a deal with you. I'll put
one up. Put the other one up!
Which looks better?
I'm warning you, Otto. What are you
going to do, Archie? Shoot me?
Gun me down? If you want to settle
something with me, then fight me!
You're a man, aren't you?
Let's fight like men! All right.
All right, then. OK.
OK.
You look good, Arch.
I used to box for Oxford.
Yeah? I used to kill for the CIA.
Get your hands up.
No.
You spineless bimbo!
Now, out!
I'll have to shoot you, but I've
some time before my plane leaves
and I'm longing to humiliate you.
Get in that barrel.
What? In the barrel!
Right!
You English think
you're so superior!
You're the filth of the planet!
A bunch of pompous,
poverty-stricken,
sexually-repressed
football hooligans!
Goodbye!
At least we're not irretrievably
vulgar! You don't like winners!
Winners? Yeah, winners.
Winners like North Vietnam?
Shut up! We did not lose Vietnam.
It was a tie!
AMERICAN ACCENT: I'm telling you,
they kicked a little ass there!
They whipped your hide real good!
They didn't. They did.
They didn't. Oh, yes, they did!
Oh, no, they... Shut up!
Goodbye, Archie. Going to shoot me?
'Fraid so, old chap! Sorry!
Look!
Revenge!
It's K-Ken coming to k-kill me!
How are you going
to c-catch me, K-Ken?
Now where was I? Oh, yeah.
Shit!
Stupid fucking limey cement!
Ken! Ken! Wait, wait, Ken!
Kenny! May I call you Kenny?
Revenge for Wanda!
OK, 60-40!
That's my final offer! Revenge!
I've got an idea. You take it all.
Here's my boarding pass! Ken!
I'm going to k-kill you!
OK, fine. Give me your best shot.
You don't have the guts. Admit it!
OK, you have the guts. Good. Wait!
Death!
All right.
I'm sorry I ate your fish, OK?
Revenge!
Jesus! I said I'm sorry. What the...
Got him!
Got you, Ken. You bastard!
Hey! I've lost my stutter!
It's gone!
I can speak! How much wood
could a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Boarding pass, sir.
SHE SIGHS
Buongiorno, signorina.
Now listen. Two things.
One - behave yourself from now on
or I'll break your neck, OK?
Two...
Gorbachev, Glasnost...
Molotov!
Blinis...
Er, Lenin.
OTTO MOUTHS
Pushkin. Chicken Kiev.
Good. Dostoyevsky.
Roubles.
PLANE ENGINE ROARS
Ass-h-o-l-e!