Flashbacks Of A Fool (2008) Movie Script
He's got no stamina.
- I love your nose.
- Thanks, Apple.
I wanted to get my nose done
since I was ten,
but it wasn't as simple as thought.
The doctors found out I didn't have
any cartilage in the tip of my nose,
so then we had to do that.
My nose was too long,
so we had to shorten it.
And then it was too wide,
so we had to thin it.
And it was just a lot more complicated
than I thought.
My nose was just an insane amount
of money.
I mean, I was shocked.
I thought that a nose job
was only, like, three or four grand,
but I was wrong.
Mine was, like,
three times that amount.
I mean, my girlfriend's
breast enlargement
was, like, four or five grand.
I mean, it's not like
I ever felt them, but...
They actually look kinda real,
you know?
So your own wife, who's hot,
by the way, with big jugs,
won't even go down on you?
You can call my girlfriend
and she'll tell you,
and I've been with her
for quite a while,
and she will tell you she goes down
on me every time we're together.
You're a disgrace to white folks.
Christ!
Where's my wallet?
Where's my wallet?
- On the dresser.
- Hi, Sister Jean, it's Joe.
Sure.
How can you spend a thousand bucks
on a 976 line?
I don't get it. You're Joseph Scott,
who every woman wants,
and you waste your money
on a 976 line.
Cos I can pretend to be someone else.
Not you, Sister Jean, someone else.
I need some tickets.
I'm at home. Now?
Great, thank you.
I'll see you in a bit. Bye. Bye.
Don't you have any philosophies
in life apart from self-indulgence?
You're the most self-indulgent fool
I've ever met.
- I thought you'd given up.
- I did give up.
And then I started again. Feel this.
- What?
- Feel this. It's a lump.
Feel that lump? You feel it?
There? There!
It's cancer.
Breast cancer.
Can men get breast cancer?
Do they give men mastectomies?
I've got something down there as well.
- Have you seen a doctor?
- Yes, and he's a fucking idiot!
It's cancer.
- So where is it?
- What?
- My wallet!
- On the dresser.
- No, it isn't.
- It is.
What the fuck is that?
- That would be a dog.
- Why the fuck is it in my house?
Apple!
- Hello?
- Apple.
- Hi, Joe.
- Why did you leave your dog here?
- You said I could.
- No, I didn't.
Yes, you did. I'll pick him up at the
restaurant after your lunch meeting.
I'm not taking that dog to lunch
with me.
Don't bring him into the restaurant.
Leave him in the car.
I'll be there at two.
You better.
Is it cocktail hour yet?
Well, it is somewhere!
I'm handing in my notice.
Why?
It's so much fun here.
How much?
- It's not about the money.
- How much?
When I show up here,
I never know what to expect.
Whether you've eaten mushrooms
or acid or coke or all of the above.
You know what they call you?
Captain Wacky.
Captain Wacky.
You know, I really don't like
looking at myself through your eyes.
Another 500.
I'm not happy.
Your happiness doesn't interest me.
Mine does.
- OK.
- That's a month, not a week.
Yes?
- Yes?
- Hi!
Hi! You look terrific.
So do you. Welcome. Come in.
Nice to see you.
My apartment block was shaking
last night. Did you feel it?
No.
I thought it was gonna fall in
and I was gonna die.
Five, right?
You have the fires and you have
the floods and you have the riots...
And then you have
the drive-by shootings.
Fires, floods, earthquakes, riots.
I drove by a body on my way here
just lying on the sidewalk.
We don't need to go to the movies.
We live in a movie.
We do!
I live here, but I can't find
a good thing to say about it.
If I close my eyes and picture it,
all I see is one big varicose vein.
You got yourself a dog!
It's good to have animals.
I have two dogs, two cats
and a green lizard.
I had two boa constrictors
that I got when they were babies.
They were always
getting out of their tank.
When they got to about six foot,
one wrapped itself around the treadmill.
- I turned it on and it got flattened!
- No!
I've had so many animals,
you wouldn't believe it.
Snakes, eh?
Well, I'd better be going.
You're not into smack?
I got some straight off the boat.
No.
Smack junkies
never seem to get bored.
They can look at their shoes for eight
hours and still have a good time.
I envy that.
Well, it's nice to see you, Joe.
Nice to see you, Sister Jean.
- Thanks for coming.
- No problem. I'll see you soon. Bye.
Bye-bye now.
Will you help me with this dog?
What do you mean "help"?
If people see me with it,
they'll think I'm gay.
- See? That was easy.
- Why didn't you do it yourself?
I'm meeting an important director.
I don't want hairs on me.
- Oh, Christ!
- Oh, my God!
- Christ!
- Can we help?
I'm sorry! Fucking dog! I'm so sorry.
We're fine, thank you.
I was talking to the lady!
If you need a witness
to that assault, I'd be...
What are you talking about? It wasn't
an assault, it was an accident.
That was no accident. It was
an unprovoked, vicious attack!
I'm calling the police right now!
It was an accident!
I wouldn't hit her.
I saw you and I know you.
I know all about you, Joe Scott.
Put your cellphone away.
It was an accident, not an assault.
You ladies are old enough
to know the difference.
If you don't get outta here,
there will be an assault!
We were trying to help! He shouldn't get
away with it! You should report him!
You saw what you wanted to see!
Get outta here! You understand me?
God!
Put that on your nose.
Come and sit down.
Step in.
There you go. Steady.
Put your head back. There you go.
I... I'll make you some tea, shall I?
You don't know how to make tea.
- You're gonna leave me, aren't you?
- What?
You're gonna leave me.
Are you gonna stand there
with your thumb up your ass
or are you gonna get the phone?
Is that a roundabout way of saying
you don't wanna discuss it right now?
- Hello?
- Joe?
- Hi, Mum.
- You picked up the phone!
- Where's Ophelia?
- Busy. Can I call you back?
- I'm in the middle of something.
- Joe, I've got some bad news.
- What, are you OK?
- Yes, I'm fine.
- Is Peggy OK?
- No, Peggy's fine.
I hate to tell you this
over the phone.
Just tell me!
Mum?
- Mum, are you there?
- Oh, dear...
- For God's sake, tell me!
- Joe, I'm so sorry.
Just tell me, Mum, please.
Boots has died.
What?
Boots has died.
When... Boots has died?
- When?
- Yesterday. It happened yesterday.
I'm so sorry, Joe.
How?
They're not sure yet.
There has to be an autopsy.
Joe?
Yeah. Yeah, Mum, I'm here.
They're holding the funeral
at Saint Joseph's.
Ruth would love you to come,
but she understands if you're too busy.
Joe, it's been such a shock to her.
He wasn't even ill. There was no
warning that this was coming.
I feel terrible telling you this
over the phone.
I know you haven't seen him for years,
but I know how much you meant
to each other.
He was so proud of you
and all that you've achieved.
- Can you get me a Bloody Mary?
- Certainly, sir.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
The traffic was dreadful.
Joe Scott, Hollywood's hottest
young director, Ritchie Smith.
How are you doing? The script
is fantastic. Congratulations.
Mannie says you've directed
some music videos.
Did you look at 'em?
Fuckin' awesome, ain't they?
- You didn't send them to me.
- We didn't?
No.
Excuse me. Hello?
Yeah. What do you mean? I've been
trying to get hold of you for days.
Yes, I have! Now is not a good time.
Don't call me when
I'm in a fucking lunch meeting!
I am serious! I'll talk to you later.
- Can I get another one?
- Why didn't you call the office?
That's the place to call, not when
I'm having lunch, OK? Call me later.
Sure. Bye.
Sorry about that. There'll be a tape
at your house when you get home, OK?
OK, let's order some food!
OK. This stuff looks good, huh?
I had a big breakfast.
I'm just gonna have a salad.
Yeah, so am I.
Hello?
Dave! How are you, my man?
No, that's great.
Sure, we'll talk later. OK, bye.
Let's order! Excuse me?
- I'm gonna have a green salad.
- Yeah, for me as well.
- Ritchie, want anything?
- Burger.
- Burger.
- How would you like that?
- Rare?
- He'd like it rare.
- Anything else I can get you?
- Ritchie, anything else?
No. No, thank you.
Thank you.
Sorry.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Sure.
OK.
Business. Things have developed a lot
since we last spoke, OK?
And since Ritchie started casting
seriously, he...
Since Ritchie started casting seriously,
he realises your character
isn't going the way he wants.
You know how things are.
You start casting, things change,
- dynamics change...
- Dynamics?
Yeah. You know, dynamics.
Dynamics between characters.
He wants to go younger.
Hello?
George!
How are ya?
That's great!
I tell you what you do, though.
You take the $35 million,
you go to Brazil.
You keep $34 million for yourself
and spend $1 million on a picture.
Only don't spend it on this one. This...
What the fuck are you doing?
- Are you trying to humiliate me?
- That's my fuckin' phone!
Why didn't you say on the phone?
Why am I here?
I... Goddamn it, when did you become
such an asshole? What date exactly?
I thought Ritchie might give you
another part.
- Have you read the script?
- Course I read the script.
- Have you read the script?
- Yes.
If you'd read the fuckin' script,
you'd know there are only
four characters and three are women!
So which other fucking part
do you think I might be right for?
No other fuckin' part!
I don't think there's any part
in any script for you, anywhere!
No one's interested any more, Joe!
And you know why not?
Because you're not interested any more!
You have squandered every fuckin'
opportunity you've ever been given!
Take a look in the mirror next time
you're snorting off it,
because you are a mess!
I am tired of pretending otherwise,
so I'm giving it to you straight.
It is over. You are over.
People are tired
of your pathetic behaviour.
They don't wanna be around it
any more. Neither do I!
So you know what I suggest? I suggest
you get yourself a new agent!
Cool dog!
- What?
- Brussels Griffon.
- Brussels what?
- Brussels Griffon.
- The Jack Nicholson dog.
- Yeah, the fucking dog. Thanks.
- Hello?
- Where are you, Apple?
Hi, Joe!
Can you explain to me
why your dog is still in my car?
- I need a big favour.
- No.
- Would look after him for a few days?
- A few days? Are you insane?
I have to go away.
- You are not dumping your dog on me.
- I'm not dumping him on you!
- Just a few days.
- What's that smell?
Jesus!
Your dog has done a shit in my car!
Joe?
- No...
- Joe?
- Don't hang up!
- I'm losing you.
Don't hang up on me. Please!
- Can't hear you.
- Don't hang up!
Fuck! Fuck!
You like the dog?
Keep the fucking dog.
Hey, Joe?
You know David Bowie
believes in aliens?
Yeah, I know.
You stink! You need a bath.
I had a bath.
When?
I...
Exactly. You never take a bath.
You stink.
Well, how often do you have a bath then?
- Every day.
- Every day?
- Yes, every day.
- What, does your mum make you?
No, I just like to be clean.
Every day's not clean.
Every day's weird.
- D'you remember that ginger girl?
- Shut up!
Come on.
Hang on, I can't even see!
Joe!
Joe!
Wait here.
Alright?
Go round the side.
- Wotcher.
- Wotcher.
Hello. You're late.
You missed lunch.
- Who are you?
- I'm Boots.
What kind of name is that?
I know you. You're the one who had
the epileptic fit at the cinema.
- Is that a glass of selfish, Joe?
- What?
- Boots, would you like a drink?
- Please.
- Milk?
- Yeah, please.
Joe, pour Boots a glass of milk
before you finish the bottle.
What film was it
made you have the fit?
Ring of Bright Water?
- The one about the otter.
- Yeah.
- Don't do that, Joe!
- What?
Put the empty bottle back in the fridge.
- Do you still have 'em?
- What?
- Fits.
- I haven't for a long time.
Well, you will. Once an epileptic,
always an epileptic.
Come on.
Kids grow up too quick these days.
Good God, is that child trying
to scrape the paint off the walls?
- What does "cunt" mean?
- I told you not to say that word!
- You say it!
- I do not!
Say it again and you'll get a hiding!
- What the hell does it mean?
- Shut up!
If I tell you, do you promise me
you won't say it again?
It's a very bad word for your vagina.
- What's my vagina?
- The proper word for your moo-moo.
Go outside,
or I'll make you both into piccalilli!
- You off already, Boots?
- Yeah.
- How's your mum?
- She's alright.
- Give her my love, won't you?
- Yeah.
- Well, bye, then.
- Bye.
I don't trust that boy.
Always looking out the sides of his eyes
like some old dog
waiting to steal a bone.
Boots!
Is that woman still 'ere?
- Who?
- Mrs Rogers?
Bye.
Oh, God...
So they had to give me
one of them enemas.
Well, I was blocked up
like an old crypt.
And d'you know what they found?
A plastic toy animal. Probably been
stuck in me bowels for over 20 years.
- Oh, dear.
- I must have eaten it!
But, you know, I can't taste a thing,
not since I hit my head.
I always wonder what old people
looked like when they were young.
It just makes me sad.
Cos it's all gone,
and you think, "How cruel. "
I suppose if you
really concentrated...
...you might be able to imagine
the old people you know as young.
But it's really hard.
Cos all I can see
is that they're old, ill, ugly...
And their life's over.
When you watch
an old person sleeping...
...especially if they're very old...
...you think,
"Will they ever wake up again?"
Then they wake up very suddenly.
One second,
they're sleeping and lifeless.
Next second, they're turning on
the telly for the news.
"Have I missed the news?
Have I missed the news?"
When does a person stop keeping up?
Why don't you make a move, Joe?
What do you mean?
Don't you fancy me?
You can touch if you like.
My mum's next door.
She'll be busy.
She won't be in.
Are you gonna help me
with all them vegetables?
Or do I have to chop 'em all meself?
Yeah, I'm coming.
We were just talking.
I better go back.
See you later, Joe.
I hate holidays as I much as I hate
sport, and that's saying something.
I'm gonna have to go, Grace.
I might come by later.
- Bye.
- Bye, then.
I think this is ready for pouring.
Evelyn should keep that child
locked up at home.
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Stop!
That was a good day's work.
I enjoy the satisfaction
of doing small things well.
Goodbye, Peggy Tickell!
Goodbye, Peggy Tickell!
Off already, Mrs Rogers?
Yes. I don't like to overstay
my welcome.
I know when I'm wanted. Make it
pretty bloody obvious, don't they?
I've spent all day
doing their bloody cauliflower!
Joe?
Joe!
What?
I want you to do something for me.
Can you take these over to Evelyn,
please?
OK.
Say thank you to her for me.
Hi, Joe.
I was about to get in the bath.
- Mum asked me to bring these round.
- Come in.
Go through.
I was being a terrible tease earlier on.
You don't mind, do you?
No.
Did you like kissing me?
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
Would you like to do it again?
You look like you would.
Yeah.
Would you, Joe?
Your mum'd kill me if she found out.
She wouldn't find out.
I suppose she wouldn't.
You are very, very naughty.
Hey, you two, what's going on?
Quick, it's Jack!
Do your trousers up!
Quickly! Come on! Come on, out.
Out, come on! Get out!
Shit! He's back early!
Come here, my beautiful girl!
- What's happened?
- Jesse thumped Jane.
Jesse, you can't go around
thumping people, you know.
- She hit me first!
- I did not!
Alright, that's enough.
Joe, how are you?
Haven't seen you for a while.
- OK, let me take her.
- No.
She's fine now.
Mum asked me to bring some piccalilli.
Piccalilli! Lovely.
- You gonna stop for a cuppa?
- No, I've got to take Jesse back.
Say thanks to your mum
for the piccalilli.
Shall we go and find you
some sweeties? Yeah?
How long did God take
to make the world?
Six days, and he rested on the seventh.
He should've taken longer.
He would have done a better job.
I could've done better.
Come on, I'll race you.
85, 86, 87, 88, 89,
You bastard!
That's 50 pence you owe me, Hubble.
I hope you die next time.
How come you can do 106 seconds
and I can't even do 30?
God-given talent I didn't ask for.
It's Ruth Davies.
Oi, Ruth!
I really wanna fuck you!
Well, if you do, Kevin Hubble,
and I ever find out...
She wants me.
- This is boring!
- What?
Fuck!
Wotcher, Ruth.
Hi, Joe.
Shit!
You look tired.
- Do I?
- Yeah.
Well, I keep dreaming
that I can't sleep
and I wake up exhausted.
Fuck!
See what you made me do?
I'm gonna go.
See ya.
Do you wanna come?
- What, me?
- Yeah.
OK.
Joe! I thought
we were going to the pictures.
Slight change of plan.
Jammy bastard!
Oh, the Jean Genie lives on his back
The Jean Genie loves chimney stacks
He's outrageous,
he screams and he bawls
The Jean Genie, let yourself go
Who do you like more, Bowie or Roxy?
I can't choose,
cos they're both brilliant.
- You have to.
- It's impossible to choose.
If you asked me Bowie
or Deep Purple
or Roxy and Black Sabbath,
then I could choose.
But not Bowie and Roxy.
Thanks, but I don't smoke.
Right.
Here, try this on.
So do you know
what this song is about?
No.
It's about Jean Genet.
He's a French writer.
See, Jean Genie,
it's just a clever wordplay.
"He says he's a beautician and sells
you nutrition. " He sells drugs.
"The Jean Genie lives on his back. "
He's a poof.
"The Jean Genie loves
chimney stacks. " He loves cocaine.
- What?
- He loves chimney stacks.
- What goes up chimneys?
- Smoke.
- And what makes smoke?
- Coal.
Yeah. And coke.
"He's walking on snow white. "
It means he's walking on cocaine.
How do you know
that's what he means?
I read it in NME.
Boots chucked his girlfriend because
she couldn't sit through a Bowie album.
- He likes Bowie?
- He loves Bowie.
Boots is a nose-picker.
The kind who wipes his hand under
the seat if there isn't a tissue handy.
- Or even if there is.
- How do you know that?
I'm a good judge of character.
I'm not saying I mind.
I'm just saying I know.
Come on,
let's get another drink.
Red or white?
- White.
- Why are you whispering?
Relax. There's no one here.
- Can I have a look around?
- Sure.
- What are you doing?
- This carpet is unbelievable.
- How do you keep it so clean?
- No one's allowed in this room.
- Sorry.
- I don't care.
You can lay on it all you want.
This feels good.
I read that book by whatshisname.
- William Burroughs
- Yeah. Junkie.
Did you like it?
No, not really.
So it's back to The Hobbit, then.
How fantastic is this song?
How could you choose between
Bryan Ferry and David Bowie?
They're gods.
Come on.
You do the backing vocals
on the next verse.
- What?
- Come on.
OK.
This is what you do.
Think Roxy girl.
I'm gonna be Bryan.
When will I see you again?
When will we share
precious moments?
- How about tomorrow?
- OK.
- We could go to the pictures.
- OK.
- I'll meet you at the arcade at seven.
- OK.
Can I kiss you?
OK.
Tomorrow, then.
Seven o'clock.
We're not gonna catch anything
if those prats are splashing about.
You never see kestrel any more.
You used to be able to look up,
catch 'em on the wind.
Now you'll be lucky.
Hey, Joe, remember when we used
to go fishing with your dad?
He snared hundreds of pikes, Joe's dad.
Didn't even use a rod. He used,
like, this old leather bootlace.
He'd see a pike
laying in the riverbed,
and he'd take this old lace
and make it into a loop.
He'd hang the loop from a pole
and gradually, gradually just
lower it down in front of him.
He'd go into the slipknot
and onto the bank. Caught hundreds.
- Can you give me a hand?
- (Kevin) Oi, Joe!
"Well, if you do, Kevin Hubble,
and I ever find out!"
"Don't hurt me, Joe. Please don't
hurt me! I've never done it before. "
- "I'm a virgin. "
- You're such a moron, Hubble.
Wanker!
- You know Erich Conrad's a poof?
- No, he's not.
He is. He told his brother
and his brother told me.
He realised he was a poof when
he was watching wrestling on the telly
and he got an erection.
Erich Conrad's a poof.
I knew that. He got a hard-on
while watching the wrestling.
You know Billie Jean King?
She's a lesbian.
Joe's Aunt Peggy's a lezzer.
No, she's not!
Why does she look like a bloke, then?
You're a fucking retard, Hubble!
He's trying to fuck me!
- He's trying to fuck me!
- Come back here.
My granddad just visited
a German concentration camp.
Said it was the most horrible place.
Everyone on the tour was crying.
Everything there is kept original.
He said Germans eat twice as much
as we do in England.
And the men, they walk around with
great big arses on 'em like women.
Old people loved the war. They
always cheer up when it's mentioned.
My grandma doesn't like foreigners.
She thinks of Indians and Africans
as animals.
She saw a man in a turban
and said, "If they live in this country,
they should be forced
to wear civilised clothes. "
Well, she's right, ain't she?
Fucking niggers and Pakis!
- Coming over here, taking our jobs.
- Shut up, Hubble, you prat.
It's boring here.
I'm off to the arcade. Coming, Hubble?
No. I think I'm gonna catch some sun
and watch these losers catch a cold.
- Alright. See you later, mate.
- See you later, mate.
- What are you girls up to?
- Hello.
Don't you say hello to me,
you horrible girl.
You say,
"Good afternoon, Mrs Rogers. "
It's heartbreaking the way
your mother lets you run wild.
- Good afternoon, Mrs Rogers.
- These girls shouldn't run wild.
They should be at school!
- It's summer holidays, Mrs Rogers.
- Holidays!
There are too many holidays! Holidays.
When I was a girl,
we didn't have all these holidays.
We had Christmas holidays.
That was all we had.
- I hate her.
- Just ignore her.
- She's a miserable old lady.
- She murdered her children.
- She did!
- Did she?
She poisoned them.
Yeah. And then she chopped them up
and put the bits in the sea.
You'd better behave, then,
or she might just do the same to you.
I wish that boy wouldn't sing.
He's gonna sour the milk.
Jane, eat it up.
You haven't touched a thing.
- I don't bloody like it!
- Jane, don't swear!
Don't pay any attention. She's been
swearing like a trooper all week.
- She's just testing.
- You mixed everything up together.
I can't undo it
and put everything back into piles.
Just try a little bit.
Nice crop of tomatoes this year.
Was there anything else you'd like?
- Fishfingers.
- I don't think we've got any.
You know, one of those
Jehovah's Witnesses came by today.
Told me that me and my garden
will go to hell.
Your mum'll have to cook you something
when you get home.
I don't think
we've got anything you like.
- Hello?
- Hi!
- You look nice
- Do I?
Sit down. I'll give you a cup of tea.
Joe, are you in there?
I'm sorry, I need the loo.
Hi.
You smell nice.
- Have you got a date?
- Yeah.
Come to my house
before you meet your girlfriend.
- I don't...
- You won't be sorry.
Jack's at his mother's.
Warnings of gales in Viking,
Forties, Cromarty, Forth...
Hold on.
- Let me look at you.
- Look at my little Elvis!
Can I go now?
Yeah, go on.
- Don't be late.
- ... high, becoming rough.
Showers, moderate or good.
Dogger, Bailey...
- Joe?
- I'm late already.
Don't be silly. I won't keep you long.
- Come in
- But I'm really late.
Just for a minute.
Anyway, it's good
to keep a girl waiting.
Joe!
Take your shirt off.
Undo me.
Go faster! Go faster, Joe!
Don't worry about Joe.
He's always late.
He'll be late for his own funeral.
Go on.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to do something for my mum.
Couldn't get away.
Do you find this approach
usually works?
What?
Let me guess,
you've never tried it before.
What?
Your neck's covered in love bites!
You really surprise me, Joe Scott.
Fuck!
Fuck.
Fucking hell!
Did Evelyn do that?
It was Evelyn, wasn't it?
- What happened?
- Nothing happened.
- What d'you mean, nothing happened?
- Nothing happened!
What are you gonna do about Ruth?
Didn't look happy, did she?
You think if I'm out the way,
you stand a chance.
Well, you don't. Not with Ruth.
Just fucking calm down, for fuck's sake!
- Hit him!
- Shut up, Chillo!
- You're supposed to be mates!
- Go on, Joe!
Go on!
Yes, Boots! Go on, mate!
Come on!
What the fuck are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
- Get off me!
- If I get off, you'll calm down?
Just get off!
Hit him, Joe!
Fuck off!
You fucking deserved that, Joe!
Looking good, Joe. Looking good!
I like a storm,
but this is more than enough.
We can go beachcombing tomorrow.
You always get something good
washed up after a storm.
God!
What's wrong with him?
Have you been in my room?
I tidied it up.
Did you enjoy
looking through my things?
- I always do!
- Just stay out of my room!
I don't think his date went very well.
Hi, Joe.
- Is something wrong?
- No.
Are you sure?
Look what you did.
- Did I do that?
- Yeah, you did.
Well, I didn't mean to.
I didn't know what I was doing.
I really didn't mean to.
I didn't, Joe.
It was so amazing,
I didn't know what I was doing.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
Jack's at work.
If you wanna come back.
Just gotta get Jane out.
- Out.
- I don't want to go out!
- Out!
- But I want to watch The Clangers!
You watch too much TV. If you go out
I'll buy you an ice cream.
- I don't want to go out!
- Do as I say! Now get out!
- I hate you!
- Yeah, and I hate you, too!
Thumbs into the hole.
That's a good girl.
Jane!
Jane! Come away!
Come away, Jane!
Jane! It's a mine!
Jane!
Come away! It's a mine!
Grace!
Peggy! Grace!
Peggy, come here!
Jane, come away!
- It's a mine!
- It's mine!
Jane!
Mrs Rogers, are you alright?
I tried to save her, but I couldn't.
That poor girl!
That poor wee girl.
Who?
I shouted to her. "Come away!"
"Come away!"
Who?
Evelyn's little girl, Jane.
Oh, my God!
I saw her from my window.
Grace, take Jesse
back up to the house.
One of them sea mines from the war.
Mrs Rogers, are you alright?
Washed up by the storm.
Mrs Rogers, you stay right there.
I'm gonna be right back.
- What happened?
- Go take care of Mrs Rogers.
- What happened?
- Just do what I say!
Who will tell Jack?
He already knows.
The police phoned him at work.
He'll blame me.
He won't blame you.
It's not your fault.
He will. He'll blame me.
He thinks I never loved her.
I'm sure he doesn't think that.
She never liked me.
Not since the day she was born.
- She cried every time I held her.
- Evelyn, don't do this to yourself.
It's true.
I tried, I really did.
But it was almost
a physical thing.
I always envied the way
your kids were with you.
Of course Jane loved you.
It's just kids are strange. They have
funny ways of showing love sometimes.
Can you go now?
- Are you sure?
- I wanna be by myself.
- If you're sure. I just...
- Go.
Please.
If you want anything...
Anything at all...
I want my baby!
Bodies used to be kept
in the house for 12 days.
Everyone kept the body
as long as they could.
They didn't dare part with it.
Now you can't get rid of it
quick enough.
You see, they were afraid
the corpse might still be alive.
That was the real reason
for hanging on to it.
People now have
a postmortem, glory be,
and it's all settled in a minute.
But years ago, there were some folk
who got buried alive.
Have you seen Jesse anywhere?
O- Out on the porch.
And Joe, is he ready?
Joe? Joe?
People used to leave an instruction
in their will
to have a vein cut,
just to be on the safe side.
Come on. Got to be there in
ten minutes. Can't keep them waiting.
You go on. I'll be there in a minute.
No, you come with us now!
I don't want you to be late.
I don't know
why they're having a funeral.
There's no body in the coffin.
It's important to say goodbye.
It's a symbol. Now, come on.
I'm not ready!
You go. I'll be there in a minute!
This isn't about you, Joe.
This is about Jack and Evelyn...
...and the terrible loss
they've suffered.
Please.
Please don't let them down.
Oh, my God, it's you!
Where's Peggy?
You've been late your whole life, Joe.
I'm sure Ruth'll be touched
that you even turned up.
I just can't believe I missed it.
I can't believe you're here
at all! It was a lovely service.
And such a turnout.
They couldn't get everyone
in the church.
You should've seen the flowers.
More than Lady Di.
Poor Ruth. She saw it happen.
Dropped down dead in front of her.
One minute chatting away happily,
the next thing she knew
he was dead on the ground.
Terrible. They said it was an aneurysm.
Left four kids to bring up on her own.
They're hardly kids.
Joe must be 15 now.
Good God, is he really?
Seems like yesterday.
Luke, who's 14, Max, who's 12,
and then there's a lovely girl,
Angelica, she must be ten.
Boots was a wonderful father.
Hopeless with money, though.
In hock up to his eyeballs.
I reckon Ruth will lose the house
and the land.
She had no idea how bad things were.
Silly man hid it all from her.
She really is in serious trouble.
Thank you.
Would you like some cake, Joe?
Thanks.
So what do you think of Graceland,
Joe?
It's alright, isn't it?
Thanks to you, Joe.
I bet Elvis was never as cosy!
This is my room.
This is Peggy's.
Took me a while
to get used to sleeping in my own room,
but must say, I quite like it now.
This is yours.
I didn't like to throw anything away.
Good night, dear.
- Wakey-wakey!
- Fucking hell!
- Morning!
- Hi, Jesse.
Oy, bear's breath!
- So, what are you doing here?
- It's nice to see you, too.
Well, it's quite a surprise.
There you are.
I'm here for the funeral.
If we'd known,
we could've put him on ice.
Don't feel bad. Ruth will be glad
you came. At least, I think she will.
You think she will?
Get yourself ready.
I'll take you over to see her.
- You think she will?
- It's been a long time.
It's been a lifetime.
Welcome home, Joe.
Look, I feel really weird about this,
so why don't you go in first
and tell her that I'm here?
She might not want to see me.
She knows you're here.
I've told her already.
What did she say?
- Not very much.
- She must have said something.
What would she say?
You haven't seen her for 25 years.
Think she'll get down on her knees
and thank God you're back?
She just lost her husband,
the man she's loved all her life.
Jeez! This might come as a surprise,
but she's not thinking about you.
Christ!
She's at the cemetery.
She's collecting the sympathy cards.
When I was a child, I thought being
brave meant that you had to take action.
That to have a dream or get forward
in life, you needed courage.
But the only thing you need courage for
is for standing still.
She's over there.
Come on, then!
What are you waiting for?
- Aren't you coming?
- No, I'll be over here.
Hello, Joe.
Hello, Ruth.
I came for the funeral.
You're a bit late.
Still, it's reassuring to know
that some things never change.
I heard it was wonderful. I mean...
Yeah. It was wonderful.
It was good of you to come.
How are you?
Fucking stupid question. Sorry.
Yeah.
- I don't know what to say.
- There's nothing to say.
My ears are ringing with sympathy,
but it's not...
It's not gonna bring him back.
He had a rare gift, Joe.
He knew his place in the world.
He found wonder in simple things.
He lived in the moment like a child.
That's a rare gift in a man.
Do you know what
the strangest thing is?
I can't cry.
It's the saddest moment in my life
and I can't cry!
I mean, I wish I could cry.
There must be something
terribly wrong with me.
If there's anything I can do...
No.
I was so afraid to come back.
You were right to leave.
It allowed you to do what you wanted.
Or maybe what I thought I wanted.
- I should be getting back.
- Yeah. OK. Sure.
- Thanks for coming.
- I'm sorry I was late.
He would have laughed.
Well...
Goodbye, then.
Goodbye, Ruth.
- How was it?
- Weird.
- This is Jane's grave?
- Yup.
And this one is Evelyn's.
Evelyn died?
I hope so.
She's in trouble if she didn't.
How did? Mum didn't tell me!
Well, there's a story!
She was drawn to trouble
like a drunk to the bottle.
If she couldn't find it, she'd make it.
Jesus, you get more like
Peggy Tickell every day!
- I'm not like Peggy!
- Just tell me what happened!
Are you wearing make-up?
- Fuck off!
- Alright, alright.
Well, soon after Jane died,
Jack and Evelyn split up.
He never got over Jane's death,
and the final straw was,
do you remember Kevin Hubble?
Yeah.
Jack found Evelyn in bed with him.
She married him!
Much to her regret.
He was a monster.
He made her life a living hell.
And she stuck it out for years.
It was as if she felt she deserved it.
He beat her, tormented her.
He was a real bastard.
Anyway, so she finally leaves him.
Steals his car.
I don't know why. It was a wreck.
Broke down on the motorway,
got out, and was hit by a lorry!
- Oh, God!
- Her head was chopped straight off.
And the strangest thing was,
they never found it!
Well, what happened to it?
Well, they thought a fox
might've taken it.
They don't know
and I don't suppose they ever will.
- Are you wearing make-up?
- No, I'm not wearing!
Well, it's concealer.
- You are wearing make up!
- Fuck off!
- I love your nose.
- Thanks, Apple.
I wanted to get my nose done
since I was ten,
but it wasn't as simple as thought.
The doctors found out I didn't have
any cartilage in the tip of my nose,
so then we had to do that.
My nose was too long,
so we had to shorten it.
And then it was too wide,
so we had to thin it.
And it was just a lot more complicated
than I thought.
My nose was just an insane amount
of money.
I mean, I was shocked.
I thought that a nose job
was only, like, three or four grand,
but I was wrong.
Mine was, like,
three times that amount.
I mean, my girlfriend's
breast enlargement
was, like, four or five grand.
I mean, it's not like
I ever felt them, but...
They actually look kinda real,
you know?
So your own wife, who's hot,
by the way, with big jugs,
won't even go down on you?
You can call my girlfriend
and she'll tell you,
and I've been with her
for quite a while,
and she will tell you she goes down
on me every time we're together.
You're a disgrace to white folks.
Christ!
Where's my wallet?
Where's my wallet?
- On the dresser.
- Hi, Sister Jean, it's Joe.
Sure.
How can you spend a thousand bucks
on a 976 line?
I don't get it. You're Joseph Scott,
who every woman wants,
and you waste your money
on a 976 line.
Cos I can pretend to be someone else.
Not you, Sister Jean, someone else.
I need some tickets.
I'm at home. Now?
Great, thank you.
I'll see you in a bit. Bye. Bye.
Don't you have any philosophies
in life apart from self-indulgence?
You're the most self-indulgent fool
I've ever met.
- I thought you'd given up.
- I did give up.
And then I started again. Feel this.
- What?
- Feel this. It's a lump.
Feel that lump? You feel it?
There? There!
It's cancer.
Breast cancer.
Can men get breast cancer?
Do they give men mastectomies?
I've got something down there as well.
- Have you seen a doctor?
- Yes, and he's a fucking idiot!
It's cancer.
- So where is it?
- What?
- My wallet!
- On the dresser.
- No, it isn't.
- It is.
What the fuck is that?
- That would be a dog.
- Why the fuck is it in my house?
Apple!
- Hello?
- Apple.
- Hi, Joe.
- Why did you leave your dog here?
- You said I could.
- No, I didn't.
Yes, you did. I'll pick him up at the
restaurant after your lunch meeting.
I'm not taking that dog to lunch
with me.
Don't bring him into the restaurant.
Leave him in the car.
I'll be there at two.
You better.
Is it cocktail hour yet?
Well, it is somewhere!
I'm handing in my notice.
Why?
It's so much fun here.
How much?
- It's not about the money.
- How much?
When I show up here,
I never know what to expect.
Whether you've eaten mushrooms
or acid or coke or all of the above.
You know what they call you?
Captain Wacky.
Captain Wacky.
You know, I really don't like
looking at myself through your eyes.
Another 500.
I'm not happy.
Your happiness doesn't interest me.
Mine does.
- OK.
- That's a month, not a week.
Yes?
- Yes?
- Hi!
Hi! You look terrific.
So do you. Welcome. Come in.
Nice to see you.
My apartment block was shaking
last night. Did you feel it?
No.
I thought it was gonna fall in
and I was gonna die.
Five, right?
You have the fires and you have
the floods and you have the riots...
And then you have
the drive-by shootings.
Fires, floods, earthquakes, riots.
I drove by a body on my way here
just lying on the sidewalk.
We don't need to go to the movies.
We live in a movie.
We do!
I live here, but I can't find
a good thing to say about it.
If I close my eyes and picture it,
all I see is one big varicose vein.
You got yourself a dog!
It's good to have animals.
I have two dogs, two cats
and a green lizard.
I had two boa constrictors
that I got when they were babies.
They were always
getting out of their tank.
When they got to about six foot,
one wrapped itself around the treadmill.
- I turned it on and it got flattened!
- No!
I've had so many animals,
you wouldn't believe it.
Snakes, eh?
Well, I'd better be going.
You're not into smack?
I got some straight off the boat.
No.
Smack junkies
never seem to get bored.
They can look at their shoes for eight
hours and still have a good time.
I envy that.
Well, it's nice to see you, Joe.
Nice to see you, Sister Jean.
- Thanks for coming.
- No problem. I'll see you soon. Bye.
Bye-bye now.
Will you help me with this dog?
What do you mean "help"?
If people see me with it,
they'll think I'm gay.
- See? That was easy.
- Why didn't you do it yourself?
I'm meeting an important director.
I don't want hairs on me.
- Oh, Christ!
- Oh, my God!
- Christ!
- Can we help?
I'm sorry! Fucking dog! I'm so sorry.
We're fine, thank you.
I was talking to the lady!
If you need a witness
to that assault, I'd be...
What are you talking about? It wasn't
an assault, it was an accident.
That was no accident. It was
an unprovoked, vicious attack!
I'm calling the police right now!
It was an accident!
I wouldn't hit her.
I saw you and I know you.
I know all about you, Joe Scott.
Put your cellphone away.
It was an accident, not an assault.
You ladies are old enough
to know the difference.
If you don't get outta here,
there will be an assault!
We were trying to help! He shouldn't get
away with it! You should report him!
You saw what you wanted to see!
Get outta here! You understand me?
God!
Put that on your nose.
Come and sit down.
Step in.
There you go. Steady.
Put your head back. There you go.
I... I'll make you some tea, shall I?
You don't know how to make tea.
- You're gonna leave me, aren't you?
- What?
You're gonna leave me.
Are you gonna stand there
with your thumb up your ass
or are you gonna get the phone?
Is that a roundabout way of saying
you don't wanna discuss it right now?
- Hello?
- Joe?
- Hi, Mum.
- You picked up the phone!
- Where's Ophelia?
- Busy. Can I call you back?
- I'm in the middle of something.
- Joe, I've got some bad news.
- What, are you OK?
- Yes, I'm fine.
- Is Peggy OK?
- No, Peggy's fine.
I hate to tell you this
over the phone.
Just tell me!
Mum?
- Mum, are you there?
- Oh, dear...
- For God's sake, tell me!
- Joe, I'm so sorry.
Just tell me, Mum, please.
Boots has died.
What?
Boots has died.
When... Boots has died?
- When?
- Yesterday. It happened yesterday.
I'm so sorry, Joe.
How?
They're not sure yet.
There has to be an autopsy.
Joe?
Yeah. Yeah, Mum, I'm here.
They're holding the funeral
at Saint Joseph's.
Ruth would love you to come,
but she understands if you're too busy.
Joe, it's been such a shock to her.
He wasn't even ill. There was no
warning that this was coming.
I feel terrible telling you this
over the phone.
I know you haven't seen him for years,
but I know how much you meant
to each other.
He was so proud of you
and all that you've achieved.
- Can you get me a Bloody Mary?
- Certainly, sir.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
The traffic was dreadful.
Joe Scott, Hollywood's hottest
young director, Ritchie Smith.
How are you doing? The script
is fantastic. Congratulations.
Mannie says you've directed
some music videos.
Did you look at 'em?
Fuckin' awesome, ain't they?
- You didn't send them to me.
- We didn't?
No.
Excuse me. Hello?
Yeah. What do you mean? I've been
trying to get hold of you for days.
Yes, I have! Now is not a good time.
Don't call me when
I'm in a fucking lunch meeting!
I am serious! I'll talk to you later.
- Can I get another one?
- Why didn't you call the office?
That's the place to call, not when
I'm having lunch, OK? Call me later.
Sure. Bye.
Sorry about that. There'll be a tape
at your house when you get home, OK?
OK, let's order some food!
OK. This stuff looks good, huh?
I had a big breakfast.
I'm just gonna have a salad.
Yeah, so am I.
Hello?
Dave! How are you, my man?
No, that's great.
Sure, we'll talk later. OK, bye.
Let's order! Excuse me?
- I'm gonna have a green salad.
- Yeah, for me as well.
- Ritchie, want anything?
- Burger.
- Burger.
- How would you like that?
- Rare?
- He'd like it rare.
- Anything else I can get you?
- Ritchie, anything else?
No. No, thank you.
Thank you.
Sorry.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Sure.
OK.
Business. Things have developed a lot
since we last spoke, OK?
And since Ritchie started casting
seriously, he...
Since Ritchie started casting seriously,
he realises your character
isn't going the way he wants.
You know how things are.
You start casting, things change,
- dynamics change...
- Dynamics?
Yeah. You know, dynamics.
Dynamics between characters.
He wants to go younger.
Hello?
George!
How are ya?
That's great!
I tell you what you do, though.
You take the $35 million,
you go to Brazil.
You keep $34 million for yourself
and spend $1 million on a picture.
Only don't spend it on this one. This...
What the fuck are you doing?
- Are you trying to humiliate me?
- That's my fuckin' phone!
Why didn't you say on the phone?
Why am I here?
I... Goddamn it, when did you become
such an asshole? What date exactly?
I thought Ritchie might give you
another part.
- Have you read the script?
- Course I read the script.
- Have you read the script?
- Yes.
If you'd read the fuckin' script,
you'd know there are only
four characters and three are women!
So which other fucking part
do you think I might be right for?
No other fuckin' part!
I don't think there's any part
in any script for you, anywhere!
No one's interested any more, Joe!
And you know why not?
Because you're not interested any more!
You have squandered every fuckin'
opportunity you've ever been given!
Take a look in the mirror next time
you're snorting off it,
because you are a mess!
I am tired of pretending otherwise,
so I'm giving it to you straight.
It is over. You are over.
People are tired
of your pathetic behaviour.
They don't wanna be around it
any more. Neither do I!
So you know what I suggest? I suggest
you get yourself a new agent!
Cool dog!
- What?
- Brussels Griffon.
- Brussels what?
- Brussels Griffon.
- The Jack Nicholson dog.
- Yeah, the fucking dog. Thanks.
- Hello?
- Where are you, Apple?
Hi, Joe!
Can you explain to me
why your dog is still in my car?
- I need a big favour.
- No.
- Would look after him for a few days?
- A few days? Are you insane?
I have to go away.
- You are not dumping your dog on me.
- I'm not dumping him on you!
- Just a few days.
- What's that smell?
Jesus!
Your dog has done a shit in my car!
Joe?
- No...
- Joe?
- Don't hang up!
- I'm losing you.
Don't hang up on me. Please!
- Can't hear you.
- Don't hang up!
Fuck! Fuck!
You like the dog?
Keep the fucking dog.
Hey, Joe?
You know David Bowie
believes in aliens?
Yeah, I know.
You stink! You need a bath.
I had a bath.
When?
I...
Exactly. You never take a bath.
You stink.
Well, how often do you have a bath then?
- Every day.
- Every day?
- Yes, every day.
- What, does your mum make you?
No, I just like to be clean.
Every day's not clean.
Every day's weird.
- D'you remember that ginger girl?
- Shut up!
Come on.
Hang on, I can't even see!
Joe!
Joe!
Wait here.
Alright?
Go round the side.
- Wotcher.
- Wotcher.
Hello. You're late.
You missed lunch.
- Who are you?
- I'm Boots.
What kind of name is that?
I know you. You're the one who had
the epileptic fit at the cinema.
- Is that a glass of selfish, Joe?
- What?
- Boots, would you like a drink?
- Please.
- Milk?
- Yeah, please.
Joe, pour Boots a glass of milk
before you finish the bottle.
What film was it
made you have the fit?
Ring of Bright Water?
- The one about the otter.
- Yeah.
- Don't do that, Joe!
- What?
Put the empty bottle back in the fridge.
- Do you still have 'em?
- What?
- Fits.
- I haven't for a long time.
Well, you will. Once an epileptic,
always an epileptic.
Come on.
Kids grow up too quick these days.
Good God, is that child trying
to scrape the paint off the walls?
- What does "cunt" mean?
- I told you not to say that word!
- You say it!
- I do not!
Say it again and you'll get a hiding!
- What the hell does it mean?
- Shut up!
If I tell you, do you promise me
you won't say it again?
It's a very bad word for your vagina.
- What's my vagina?
- The proper word for your moo-moo.
Go outside,
or I'll make you both into piccalilli!
- You off already, Boots?
- Yeah.
- How's your mum?
- She's alright.
- Give her my love, won't you?
- Yeah.
- Well, bye, then.
- Bye.
I don't trust that boy.
Always looking out the sides of his eyes
like some old dog
waiting to steal a bone.
Boots!
Is that woman still 'ere?
- Who?
- Mrs Rogers?
Bye.
Oh, God...
So they had to give me
one of them enemas.
Well, I was blocked up
like an old crypt.
And d'you know what they found?
A plastic toy animal. Probably been
stuck in me bowels for over 20 years.
- Oh, dear.
- I must have eaten it!
But, you know, I can't taste a thing,
not since I hit my head.
I always wonder what old people
looked like when they were young.
It just makes me sad.
Cos it's all gone,
and you think, "How cruel. "
I suppose if you
really concentrated...
...you might be able to imagine
the old people you know as young.
But it's really hard.
Cos all I can see
is that they're old, ill, ugly...
And their life's over.
When you watch
an old person sleeping...
...especially if they're very old...
...you think,
"Will they ever wake up again?"
Then they wake up very suddenly.
One second,
they're sleeping and lifeless.
Next second, they're turning on
the telly for the news.
"Have I missed the news?
Have I missed the news?"
When does a person stop keeping up?
Why don't you make a move, Joe?
What do you mean?
Don't you fancy me?
You can touch if you like.
My mum's next door.
She'll be busy.
She won't be in.
Are you gonna help me
with all them vegetables?
Or do I have to chop 'em all meself?
Yeah, I'm coming.
We were just talking.
I better go back.
See you later, Joe.
I hate holidays as I much as I hate
sport, and that's saying something.
I'm gonna have to go, Grace.
I might come by later.
- Bye.
- Bye, then.
I think this is ready for pouring.
Evelyn should keep that child
locked up at home.
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Stop!
That was a good day's work.
I enjoy the satisfaction
of doing small things well.
Goodbye, Peggy Tickell!
Goodbye, Peggy Tickell!
Off already, Mrs Rogers?
Yes. I don't like to overstay
my welcome.
I know when I'm wanted. Make it
pretty bloody obvious, don't they?
I've spent all day
doing their bloody cauliflower!
Joe?
Joe!
What?
I want you to do something for me.
Can you take these over to Evelyn,
please?
OK.
Say thank you to her for me.
Hi, Joe.
I was about to get in the bath.
- Mum asked me to bring these round.
- Come in.
Go through.
I was being a terrible tease earlier on.
You don't mind, do you?
No.
Did you like kissing me?
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
Would you like to do it again?
You look like you would.
Yeah.
Would you, Joe?
Your mum'd kill me if she found out.
She wouldn't find out.
I suppose she wouldn't.
You are very, very naughty.
Hey, you two, what's going on?
Quick, it's Jack!
Do your trousers up!
Quickly! Come on! Come on, out.
Out, come on! Get out!
Shit! He's back early!
Come here, my beautiful girl!
- What's happened?
- Jesse thumped Jane.
Jesse, you can't go around
thumping people, you know.
- She hit me first!
- I did not!
Alright, that's enough.
Joe, how are you?
Haven't seen you for a while.
- OK, let me take her.
- No.
She's fine now.
Mum asked me to bring some piccalilli.
Piccalilli! Lovely.
- You gonna stop for a cuppa?
- No, I've got to take Jesse back.
Say thanks to your mum
for the piccalilli.
Shall we go and find you
some sweeties? Yeah?
How long did God take
to make the world?
Six days, and he rested on the seventh.
He should've taken longer.
He would have done a better job.
I could've done better.
Come on, I'll race you.
85, 86, 87, 88, 89,
You bastard!
That's 50 pence you owe me, Hubble.
I hope you die next time.
How come you can do 106 seconds
and I can't even do 30?
God-given talent I didn't ask for.
It's Ruth Davies.
Oi, Ruth!
I really wanna fuck you!
Well, if you do, Kevin Hubble,
and I ever find out...
She wants me.
- This is boring!
- What?
Fuck!
Wotcher, Ruth.
Hi, Joe.
Shit!
You look tired.
- Do I?
- Yeah.
Well, I keep dreaming
that I can't sleep
and I wake up exhausted.
Fuck!
See what you made me do?
I'm gonna go.
See ya.
Do you wanna come?
- What, me?
- Yeah.
OK.
Joe! I thought
we were going to the pictures.
Slight change of plan.
Jammy bastard!
Oh, the Jean Genie lives on his back
The Jean Genie loves chimney stacks
He's outrageous,
he screams and he bawls
The Jean Genie, let yourself go
Who do you like more, Bowie or Roxy?
I can't choose,
cos they're both brilliant.
- You have to.
- It's impossible to choose.
If you asked me Bowie
or Deep Purple
or Roxy and Black Sabbath,
then I could choose.
But not Bowie and Roxy.
Thanks, but I don't smoke.
Right.
Here, try this on.
So do you know
what this song is about?
No.
It's about Jean Genet.
He's a French writer.
See, Jean Genie,
it's just a clever wordplay.
"He says he's a beautician and sells
you nutrition. " He sells drugs.
"The Jean Genie lives on his back. "
He's a poof.
"The Jean Genie loves
chimney stacks. " He loves cocaine.
- What?
- He loves chimney stacks.
- What goes up chimneys?
- Smoke.
- And what makes smoke?
- Coal.
Yeah. And coke.
"He's walking on snow white. "
It means he's walking on cocaine.
How do you know
that's what he means?
I read it in NME.
Boots chucked his girlfriend because
she couldn't sit through a Bowie album.
- He likes Bowie?
- He loves Bowie.
Boots is a nose-picker.
The kind who wipes his hand under
the seat if there isn't a tissue handy.
- Or even if there is.
- How do you know that?
I'm a good judge of character.
I'm not saying I mind.
I'm just saying I know.
Come on,
let's get another drink.
Red or white?
- White.
- Why are you whispering?
Relax. There's no one here.
- Can I have a look around?
- Sure.
- What are you doing?
- This carpet is unbelievable.
- How do you keep it so clean?
- No one's allowed in this room.
- Sorry.
- I don't care.
You can lay on it all you want.
This feels good.
I read that book by whatshisname.
- William Burroughs
- Yeah. Junkie.
Did you like it?
No, not really.
So it's back to The Hobbit, then.
How fantastic is this song?
How could you choose between
Bryan Ferry and David Bowie?
They're gods.
Come on.
You do the backing vocals
on the next verse.
- What?
- Come on.
OK.
This is what you do.
Think Roxy girl.
I'm gonna be Bryan.
When will I see you again?
When will we share
precious moments?
- How about tomorrow?
- OK.
- We could go to the pictures.
- OK.
- I'll meet you at the arcade at seven.
- OK.
Can I kiss you?
OK.
Tomorrow, then.
Seven o'clock.
We're not gonna catch anything
if those prats are splashing about.
You never see kestrel any more.
You used to be able to look up,
catch 'em on the wind.
Now you'll be lucky.
Hey, Joe, remember when we used
to go fishing with your dad?
He snared hundreds of pikes, Joe's dad.
Didn't even use a rod. He used,
like, this old leather bootlace.
He'd see a pike
laying in the riverbed,
and he'd take this old lace
and make it into a loop.
He'd hang the loop from a pole
and gradually, gradually just
lower it down in front of him.
He'd go into the slipknot
and onto the bank. Caught hundreds.
- Can you give me a hand?
- (Kevin) Oi, Joe!
"Well, if you do, Kevin Hubble,
and I ever find out!"
"Don't hurt me, Joe. Please don't
hurt me! I've never done it before. "
- "I'm a virgin. "
- You're such a moron, Hubble.
Wanker!
- You know Erich Conrad's a poof?
- No, he's not.
He is. He told his brother
and his brother told me.
He realised he was a poof when
he was watching wrestling on the telly
and he got an erection.
Erich Conrad's a poof.
I knew that. He got a hard-on
while watching the wrestling.
You know Billie Jean King?
She's a lesbian.
Joe's Aunt Peggy's a lezzer.
No, she's not!
Why does she look like a bloke, then?
You're a fucking retard, Hubble!
He's trying to fuck me!
- He's trying to fuck me!
- Come back here.
My granddad just visited
a German concentration camp.
Said it was the most horrible place.
Everyone on the tour was crying.
Everything there is kept original.
He said Germans eat twice as much
as we do in England.
And the men, they walk around with
great big arses on 'em like women.
Old people loved the war. They
always cheer up when it's mentioned.
My grandma doesn't like foreigners.
She thinks of Indians and Africans
as animals.
She saw a man in a turban
and said, "If they live in this country,
they should be forced
to wear civilised clothes. "
Well, she's right, ain't she?
Fucking niggers and Pakis!
- Coming over here, taking our jobs.
- Shut up, Hubble, you prat.
It's boring here.
I'm off to the arcade. Coming, Hubble?
No. I think I'm gonna catch some sun
and watch these losers catch a cold.
- Alright. See you later, mate.
- See you later, mate.
- What are you girls up to?
- Hello.
Don't you say hello to me,
you horrible girl.
You say,
"Good afternoon, Mrs Rogers. "
It's heartbreaking the way
your mother lets you run wild.
- Good afternoon, Mrs Rogers.
- These girls shouldn't run wild.
They should be at school!
- It's summer holidays, Mrs Rogers.
- Holidays!
There are too many holidays! Holidays.
When I was a girl,
we didn't have all these holidays.
We had Christmas holidays.
That was all we had.
- I hate her.
- Just ignore her.
- She's a miserable old lady.
- She murdered her children.
- She did!
- Did she?
She poisoned them.
Yeah. And then she chopped them up
and put the bits in the sea.
You'd better behave, then,
or she might just do the same to you.
I wish that boy wouldn't sing.
He's gonna sour the milk.
Jane, eat it up.
You haven't touched a thing.
- I don't bloody like it!
- Jane, don't swear!
Don't pay any attention. She's been
swearing like a trooper all week.
- She's just testing.
- You mixed everything up together.
I can't undo it
and put everything back into piles.
Just try a little bit.
Nice crop of tomatoes this year.
Was there anything else you'd like?
- Fishfingers.
- I don't think we've got any.
You know, one of those
Jehovah's Witnesses came by today.
Told me that me and my garden
will go to hell.
Your mum'll have to cook you something
when you get home.
I don't think
we've got anything you like.
- Hello?
- Hi!
- You look nice
- Do I?
Sit down. I'll give you a cup of tea.
Joe, are you in there?
I'm sorry, I need the loo.
Hi.
You smell nice.
- Have you got a date?
- Yeah.
Come to my house
before you meet your girlfriend.
- I don't...
- You won't be sorry.
Jack's at his mother's.
Warnings of gales in Viking,
Forties, Cromarty, Forth...
Hold on.
- Let me look at you.
- Look at my little Elvis!
Can I go now?
Yeah, go on.
- Don't be late.
- ... high, becoming rough.
Showers, moderate or good.
Dogger, Bailey...
- Joe?
- I'm late already.
Don't be silly. I won't keep you long.
- Come in
- But I'm really late.
Just for a minute.
Anyway, it's good
to keep a girl waiting.
Joe!
Take your shirt off.
Undo me.
Go faster! Go faster, Joe!
Don't worry about Joe.
He's always late.
He'll be late for his own funeral.
Go on.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to do something for my mum.
Couldn't get away.
Do you find this approach
usually works?
What?
Let me guess,
you've never tried it before.
What?
Your neck's covered in love bites!
You really surprise me, Joe Scott.
Fuck!
Fuck.
Fucking hell!
Did Evelyn do that?
It was Evelyn, wasn't it?
- What happened?
- Nothing happened.
- What d'you mean, nothing happened?
- Nothing happened!
What are you gonna do about Ruth?
Didn't look happy, did she?
You think if I'm out the way,
you stand a chance.
Well, you don't. Not with Ruth.
Just fucking calm down, for fuck's sake!
- Hit him!
- Shut up, Chillo!
- You're supposed to be mates!
- Go on, Joe!
Go on!
Yes, Boots! Go on, mate!
Come on!
What the fuck are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
- Get off me!
- If I get off, you'll calm down?
Just get off!
Hit him, Joe!
Fuck off!
You fucking deserved that, Joe!
Looking good, Joe. Looking good!
I like a storm,
but this is more than enough.
We can go beachcombing tomorrow.
You always get something good
washed up after a storm.
God!
What's wrong with him?
Have you been in my room?
I tidied it up.
Did you enjoy
looking through my things?
- I always do!
- Just stay out of my room!
I don't think his date went very well.
Hi, Joe.
- Is something wrong?
- No.
Are you sure?
Look what you did.
- Did I do that?
- Yeah, you did.
Well, I didn't mean to.
I didn't know what I was doing.
I really didn't mean to.
I didn't, Joe.
It was so amazing,
I didn't know what I was doing.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
Jack's at work.
If you wanna come back.
Just gotta get Jane out.
- Out.
- I don't want to go out!
- Out!
- But I want to watch The Clangers!
You watch too much TV. If you go out
I'll buy you an ice cream.
- I don't want to go out!
- Do as I say! Now get out!
- I hate you!
- Yeah, and I hate you, too!
Thumbs into the hole.
That's a good girl.
Jane!
Jane! Come away!
Come away, Jane!
Jane! It's a mine!
Jane!
Come away! It's a mine!
Grace!
Peggy! Grace!
Peggy, come here!
Jane, come away!
- It's a mine!
- It's mine!
Jane!
Mrs Rogers, are you alright?
I tried to save her, but I couldn't.
That poor girl!
That poor wee girl.
Who?
I shouted to her. "Come away!"
"Come away!"
Who?
Evelyn's little girl, Jane.
Oh, my God!
I saw her from my window.
Grace, take Jesse
back up to the house.
One of them sea mines from the war.
Mrs Rogers, are you alright?
Washed up by the storm.
Mrs Rogers, you stay right there.
I'm gonna be right back.
- What happened?
- Go take care of Mrs Rogers.
- What happened?
- Just do what I say!
Who will tell Jack?
He already knows.
The police phoned him at work.
He'll blame me.
He won't blame you.
It's not your fault.
He will. He'll blame me.
He thinks I never loved her.
I'm sure he doesn't think that.
She never liked me.
Not since the day she was born.
- She cried every time I held her.
- Evelyn, don't do this to yourself.
It's true.
I tried, I really did.
But it was almost
a physical thing.
I always envied the way
your kids were with you.
Of course Jane loved you.
It's just kids are strange. They have
funny ways of showing love sometimes.
Can you go now?
- Are you sure?
- I wanna be by myself.
- If you're sure. I just...
- Go.
Please.
If you want anything...
Anything at all...
I want my baby!
Bodies used to be kept
in the house for 12 days.
Everyone kept the body
as long as they could.
They didn't dare part with it.
Now you can't get rid of it
quick enough.
You see, they were afraid
the corpse might still be alive.
That was the real reason
for hanging on to it.
People now have
a postmortem, glory be,
and it's all settled in a minute.
But years ago, there were some folk
who got buried alive.
Have you seen Jesse anywhere?
O- Out on the porch.
And Joe, is he ready?
Joe? Joe?
People used to leave an instruction
in their will
to have a vein cut,
just to be on the safe side.
Come on. Got to be there in
ten minutes. Can't keep them waiting.
You go on. I'll be there in a minute.
No, you come with us now!
I don't want you to be late.
I don't know
why they're having a funeral.
There's no body in the coffin.
It's important to say goodbye.
It's a symbol. Now, come on.
I'm not ready!
You go. I'll be there in a minute!
This isn't about you, Joe.
This is about Jack and Evelyn...
...and the terrible loss
they've suffered.
Please.
Please don't let them down.
Oh, my God, it's you!
Where's Peggy?
You've been late your whole life, Joe.
I'm sure Ruth'll be touched
that you even turned up.
I just can't believe I missed it.
I can't believe you're here
at all! It was a lovely service.
And such a turnout.
They couldn't get everyone
in the church.
You should've seen the flowers.
More than Lady Di.
Poor Ruth. She saw it happen.
Dropped down dead in front of her.
One minute chatting away happily,
the next thing she knew
he was dead on the ground.
Terrible. They said it was an aneurysm.
Left four kids to bring up on her own.
They're hardly kids.
Joe must be 15 now.
Good God, is he really?
Seems like yesterday.
Luke, who's 14, Max, who's 12,
and then there's a lovely girl,
Angelica, she must be ten.
Boots was a wonderful father.
Hopeless with money, though.
In hock up to his eyeballs.
I reckon Ruth will lose the house
and the land.
She had no idea how bad things were.
Silly man hid it all from her.
She really is in serious trouble.
Thank you.
Would you like some cake, Joe?
Thanks.
So what do you think of Graceland,
Joe?
It's alright, isn't it?
Thanks to you, Joe.
I bet Elvis was never as cosy!
This is my room.
This is Peggy's.
Took me a while
to get used to sleeping in my own room,
but must say, I quite like it now.
This is yours.
I didn't like to throw anything away.
Good night, dear.
- Wakey-wakey!
- Fucking hell!
- Morning!
- Hi, Jesse.
Oy, bear's breath!
- So, what are you doing here?
- It's nice to see you, too.
Well, it's quite a surprise.
There you are.
I'm here for the funeral.
If we'd known,
we could've put him on ice.
Don't feel bad. Ruth will be glad
you came. At least, I think she will.
You think she will?
Get yourself ready.
I'll take you over to see her.
- You think she will?
- It's been a long time.
It's been a lifetime.
Welcome home, Joe.
Look, I feel really weird about this,
so why don't you go in first
and tell her that I'm here?
She might not want to see me.
She knows you're here.
I've told her already.
What did she say?
- Not very much.
- She must have said something.
What would she say?
You haven't seen her for 25 years.
Think she'll get down on her knees
and thank God you're back?
She just lost her husband,
the man she's loved all her life.
Jeez! This might come as a surprise,
but she's not thinking about you.
Christ!
She's at the cemetery.
She's collecting the sympathy cards.
When I was a child, I thought being
brave meant that you had to take action.
That to have a dream or get forward
in life, you needed courage.
But the only thing you need courage for
is for standing still.
She's over there.
Come on, then!
What are you waiting for?
- Aren't you coming?
- No, I'll be over here.
Hello, Joe.
Hello, Ruth.
I came for the funeral.
You're a bit late.
Still, it's reassuring to know
that some things never change.
I heard it was wonderful. I mean...
Yeah. It was wonderful.
It was good of you to come.
How are you?
Fucking stupid question. Sorry.
Yeah.
- I don't know what to say.
- There's nothing to say.
My ears are ringing with sympathy,
but it's not...
It's not gonna bring him back.
He had a rare gift, Joe.
He knew his place in the world.
He found wonder in simple things.
He lived in the moment like a child.
That's a rare gift in a man.
Do you know what
the strangest thing is?
I can't cry.
It's the saddest moment in my life
and I can't cry!
I mean, I wish I could cry.
There must be something
terribly wrong with me.
If there's anything I can do...
No.
I was so afraid to come back.
You were right to leave.
It allowed you to do what you wanted.
Or maybe what I thought I wanted.
- I should be getting back.
- Yeah. OK. Sure.
- Thanks for coming.
- I'm sorry I was late.
He would have laughed.
Well...
Goodbye, then.
Goodbye, Ruth.
- How was it?
- Weird.
- This is Jane's grave?
- Yup.
And this one is Evelyn's.
Evelyn died?
I hope so.
She's in trouble if she didn't.
How did? Mum didn't tell me!
Well, there's a story!
She was drawn to trouble
like a drunk to the bottle.
If she couldn't find it, she'd make it.
Jesus, you get more like
Peggy Tickell every day!
- I'm not like Peggy!
- Just tell me what happened!
Are you wearing make-up?
- Fuck off!
- Alright, alright.
Well, soon after Jane died,
Jack and Evelyn split up.
He never got over Jane's death,
and the final straw was,
do you remember Kevin Hubble?
Yeah.
Jack found Evelyn in bed with him.
She married him!
Much to her regret.
He was a monster.
He made her life a living hell.
And she stuck it out for years.
It was as if she felt she deserved it.
He beat her, tormented her.
He was a real bastard.
Anyway, so she finally leaves him.
Steals his car.
I don't know why. It was a wreck.
Broke down on the motorway,
got out, and was hit by a lorry!
- Oh, God!
- Her head was chopped straight off.
And the strangest thing was,
they never found it!
Well, what happened to it?
Well, they thought a fox
might've taken it.
They don't know
and I don't suppose they ever will.
- Are you wearing make-up?
- No, I'm not wearing!
Well, it's concealer.
- You are wearing make up!
- Fuck off!