Flawless (1999) Movie Script
What's up, Walt?
Get the rope! Up there!
How was the handball game today?
We won.
You always win, man.
Shit! I missed it again.
You gotta get that delivered.
I gotta get to that game.
Hey, Walt. How you doin'?
Hey, John.
- Walt, can I count on you for Thursday?
- Yeah.
Stop, motherfucker, or you will die!
Raymond!
Hey, Dolly. Love your hair.
We're here!
- Hey. What you got there?
- Love letters?
Looks more like a Dear John letter to me
Hey, everybody needs love, honey.
All I need is a John!
They are not girls. They are not boys.
They can't help it.
They was born like that.
Something in the throat.
Mmm.
Hey, Walt.
Hey, Pogo. How you doin'?
Not good.
What happened?
Remember Ashley, my girlfriend?
Yeah.
She fuckin' left me, bro.
What do you want?
She looked like she was 14.
Hey! Hey! Shut the fuckin' window
or shut the fuck up!
You shut your fuckin' window!
Fuckin' faggots!
The gay community thanks you
for your support, fucker!
Fuck you and the gay community!
Fuck you and your Get married, have
kids and beat up the dog community!
Fuckin' demented fuckin' fruitcakes.
Ah, shit! He's not there, the little fuck.
Where the fuck is this motherfucker?
I don't trust him! I never did!
You 're looking sharp, Walt.
Save it for your payin' customers, babe.
- Hi, Amber.
- Listen.
Thanks.
Hi, sweetheart. I was in bed last night
and I saw a rat run across my rug.
No, I'm sure you're mistaken.
You 're not listening to me.
I was in bed last night.
I saw a rat run across the rug. OK?
Rat? We have no rats here.
Could you send Jaime to check
my apartment tomorrow, please?
I'm late for work.
Come on, Amber. Come here. Hurry up!
Thanks, Cristal.
Get in here.
I can't!
We're safe.
How you doin' there?
Hi.
Hey, Walt. How ya doin'?
Remember Sally?
Sally.
Hi, Walt.
Hey, baby. What are you doin'?
Comfy? Are you two comfy?
Well, welcome everybody.
You all look fabulous. You look fucking
great... except for this table over here.
Who's from Brooklyn here?
Any guys from Brooklyn?
Oh, hey, sweetie. You guys
like guy... girls with big fat asses?
Big ol' tits, right?
Why don't you come up here?
Just stand right there
except don't come any closer.
Guys like you beat my ass once I leave
the club. You know what I'm saying?
You love me when I'm here, and when
I leave you beat the shit out of me.
All right.
Get your fucking hand off my shoulder.
I was trying to get your ass.
Oh, my God. Are you gay?
A little bit.
Only a little bit?
And I'm a little bit of a girl, too, sweetie.
You're all woman.
All right. I want you to bend over now.
I want you to kiss my ass.
Kiss my ass. Think of me
as a present and it's Christmas.
All right.
Have a seat. Look at you. Jesus Christ!
All right, honies, I'm gonna invite
my first pretty little number on the stage.
And she's wonderful.
Amazing Grace, thank you.
How come you never aks me
to dance, huh, Walt?
How come always Karen?
Cos Karen's a lady and you ain't.
You're a whore.
How many times I tell you?
I don't go with whores.
I'm not a whore, Walt.
You're not? OK.
I'm ready.
Marmalade!
I hate to aks you, but I'm...
running kind of short on my rent again.
That enough?
Thank you, baby.
What a man.
What a woman.
See you next week.
I'll count the days.
That's a good boy, Leonard.
Escucha bien.
Just gimme my money.
Why'd you fuckers shoot? Fuck you!
Relax! Relax!
You want another one, motherfucker?
You shot her! You motherfucker!
Why'd you shoot her?
You fuckin' killed her, man!
Sir, can you hear me?
He's coming round.
Sir, have you been hit?
M r Koontz Are you awake?
I'm Dr Nirmala.
Can you hear me?
Do you understand me?
You've had a stroke. There is
some paralysis on your right side.
M r Koontz Im Detective Noonan.
In the early morning hours
of October 3rd, you heard gunshots.
You attempted to confront
the perpetrators before your heart attack?
Actually, a stroke.
Right. Sorry.
Did you get a look at the killers?
Could you identify them?
You 're here for Amber Garcia Sanchez?
I'm here to identify the body.
Uh huh. And your relationship
to the deceased?
Just a friend.
Stupid fuck! Where's the money?
Hey! We been every square inch.
The roof, basement, now this shithouse.
Philistines!
I'd like to know where
the fuckin' bitch is across the hall.
Miss Cristal? Are you in there?
Open the door, bitch!
Open the goddamn door, bitch!
All set, Mr. Koontz? I've arranged for
one of our volunteers to drive you home.
I'm goin' home alone.
By yourself? Alone?
- Bu t why?
- Im OK.
To see if I can.
Hey, Pop. Jesus Christ!
Come here. Check this out.
Walt, you need a little help?
Walt! Walt!
You need a little help, Walt?
No, I'm OK.
I can't believe what happened to him.
Waldo Koontz
why you walking so funny?
I... I had a stroke.
Oh? You think that's bad?
I didn't sleep a wink last night.
Oh, God.
Welcome home, motherfucker.
Oh, my God!
What the fuck did you do to my place?
You Neanderthals!
I'll fuck you up if we don't get our money.
What money?
The money Amber gave you to hide.
If I had money, I'd move to a place where I
wouldn't have to deal with scum like you.
Now see, bitch!
You homicidal maniacs are so sensitive.
What the fuck is this?
No! Don't! Don't!
Don't!
What is it?
What the fuck is this shit?
It's Amber's ashes.
Aw, shit! Aw, shit!
Get the fuck outta here!
Get the fuck outta here!
We'll be watching you, faggot.
Oh, watch my ass! Watch my ass!
Boomn, boom.
Ashley.
Why did you trash me?
Like some used-up soda can.
Ashley.
Why did you trash me?
I was supposed to be your man.
Ashley.
You 're a fuckin' bitch.
You left me for a guy named Lance.
Ashley.
You 're really stupid.
Cos I was saving up
to take you to France.
Yeah, I was gonna take you to France.
Mr. Koontz? It's Dr. Nirmala.
Are you in there?
Mr. Wilcox at the front desk
said you were In
Hello, Mr. Koontz.
I've been so concerned, Mr. Koontz.
You didn't return to the hospital
for your physical therapy.
And you don't answer your telephone.
And your friends say
that you never visit them
and you don't allow them to visit you.
And... And Mr. Pim, the grocer
he says that you shop once a week
and not till late at night.
Now, I can understand.
You don't want your friends to see you
perhaps not as you once were.
But if you came in for your therapy
you would improve.
and so would your spirits.
I can arrange to have
a physical therapist come here
three times a week. Hm?
Would you like that?
Of course, it's going to be more
expensive than at the hospital.
What else... What else
do I have to spend my... my money on?
Ah, son of a bitch! It stinks!
Let's keep our voices down.
Let's just keep our voices down.
Shut the fuck up! What the fuck are
we talking about, keeping shit down?
Where's this fuckin' bitch at?
That skanky whore has my money.
Oh, hi!
Well... Well, how are you?
I mean, I heard you got hurt
trying to save Amber.
You know, and she was
a friend of mine, so I really..
Well, I wanna thank you
and I'm sorry about...
Oh, here. Let me help you, sweetheart.
Get away.
Are you OK? Give me your hand?
Oh, don't be like that... for God's sake.
Are you worried I might be catchy?
Or you might suffer
from a severe jewelry rash?
Go fuck yourself.
I've had worse... big boy.
Happy Halloween.
You devil!
Are you registered to vote? Republican?
That is just teetering on interesting.
Look, it's very simple.
You sign up for the Flawless contest.
If we don't receive your entrance fee
in two weeks, you're eighty sixed.
You 're hideous!
Hi, ladies!
Hi, sweetheart.
Is it just me, or are drag queens
getting more demented?
It's just you, honey.
It's you, hon.
Honey, how come...
the goddamn entrance fee went up?
Cost of living.
A hundred fucking dollars!
- My God. Whose living is that?
- Not that it matters.
I think we all know who's going to win.
My little Hispanic hotcake.
You truly are lawless, Cha-Cha.
She ain't gonna win. No fuckin' way!
You prehistoric fucking bitch!
It's America's least wanted.
I heard your tired pussy was on sale
at the International House of Cunts!
Yeah, with your mama, bitch!
Take it to the street, freaks!
I need some butch faggots over here.
I need some dykes!
Get the fuck outta here! Shit!
That's right! You got thrown out again.
Oh, hi. Is Walt...
Could I...
Yeah, come on.
Thanks.
Hey, buddy. I been tryin' to see you.
You know how many times
I knocked on your door?
I been real worried.
I'm his physical therapist.
- LeShaun Williams.
- Tommy Walsh. Im on my lunch hour.
I thought I'd stop by.
Sure.
So... Walt, how you doin'?
Hey...
- What's your name?
- LeShaun.
Listen, you take good care of my buddy
here, huh? He's a real hero, you know.
He saved me, the other guard, Joe
and 14 hostages in 1988.
Tom... Wait, wait.
Thats how he won early retirement.
Look here. A letter from Mayor Koch.
Wow.
There's a bravery medal.
- Man.
- Tomnmy, please.
Look at this.
This is Walt, right here in the middle.
That's Joe. That's me.
I'm pistol whipped down on the floor.
Joe's shittin' in his pants.
And Walt, pistol whipped also
bleedin' like a mother
he pretends like he's knocked out.
All of a sudden, blam blam!
He shoots.
Two thievin' motherfuckers go down.
You want I should tell 'em to shut up?
Hey, shut the fuck up!
Girls, look. A man in uniform!
Officer, help me!
Holy shit!
Jesus Christ!
Fuckin' freak show!
Well... Maybe I should go.
Walt.
Here we go. That's right.
You need anything?
I'm OK.
I guess you heard that Amber
that little hooker upstairs
and her sleaze boyfriend stole off Mr. Z.
So it was his guys and him
that you were shootin' at.
They still can't find the money.
And you know the cops can't do anything.
Mr. Z's got 'em. In his pocket. Anyways.
Hey, do me a favor, will you? Pick up
the goddamn phone when I call you.
And take good care of him.
Yeah.
- What was your name again?
- LeShaun.
Right. Right.
All right.
I'll see youse.
Take it easy, Walt.
You know, I had some real success with...
stroke patients improvin' speech.
You know how? Don't laugh.
Singing lessons. It relaxes you.
A lot of people like singing.
I got a card in my bag for a lady uptown.
Mildred somethin'. She's good.
You gotta start gettin' out soon, anyway.
What could you lose?
You start talkin better
and phone your friends.
You could even have phone sex.
Call us. Call us now.
Hot, wild girls waiting by the phone.
We're hot and wild and willing.
The girl of your dreams
is waiting by the phone.
She'll make your fantasies come true.
Just call.
Pick up the phone.
Are you OK? I didn't hit you, did I?
He slipped on the ice.
Are you OK? Yeah?
Buddy, is this yours?
Hey, you dropped somethin'.
I'll go get the door. I'll go get the door.
Do you want this?
Is this your card? I think it is.
Honey, let me guess.
A Jehovah's Witness?
I... I was wondering if I could pay you...
pay you for singing lessons.
I'm sorry. I'd rather
suck Hitler's dead dick.
I'm sure you did!
Fuckin' faggot.
Wait a minute. Wait.
Fuck!
Honey, could you pay cash? Cash?
I don't want your pity.
I don't want your fuckin' pity either
all right? I need the money.
I'll call you from the window
tomorrow when I'm ready.
We're wasting our time out here.
Fuckin' bitch! Hey, bitch!
Bitch! Where the fuck is Cristal?
I see her! Right there!
Shit!
Wait a minute, motherfucker!
No! My leg, it's hurt bad.
What do you want from me?
What do you want?
Shut up!
- Mr. Z's fuckin' money.
- No, I swear I know nothing!
I don't know nothing!
Then why the fuck you disappear?
I heard you was looking for me and I seen
what you done to Amber and Raymond.
The same thing happens to you
if Mr. Z don't get his money!
Do I look like I got money?
You think I'd be working 10th?
If you're lying, you fuckbag...
I'm not!
- Boom! Boom!
- No, no!
What?
Stop it!
Can you give me some money? Fuck!
Give me some money, you fuckin' dicks!
Welcome to fairyland.
We hope you enjoy the ride.
Do not stand up in the cars and please...
leave your attitude outside, all right?
Honey, that was a joke, OK?
I hate people who think they're funny.
Yeah? Bet you hate a lot of things.
All right.
Well, I... I thought
we'd start with the scales.
Do you know the scales?
All right? Grumpy, Sneezy and Horny.
All right. Shall we begin?
One more time.
Let's move on.
Honey, I can't hear you.
I am not Jodie Foster
and this is not Silence of the Lambs.
Now, your voice is a muscle, all right?
And you can exercise it, OK?
What? You can exercise it.
Don't be afraid. All right?
Re. OK, that's better.
All right, let's move on.
That's better. That was a lot better.
OK, good. Going for fa.
Fa, come on. You can do it.
Sing out, Louise!
No, no. This is bullshit.
Here's the... Here, I'll pay you. Here's the...
- Hey, this was your idea.
- Bad idea.
I can't do it. Bullshit.
Can't do it. Can't do this.
Honey, can't lives on
won't street, all right?
Why don't you try fucking faggot?
You know, cos you were always pretty
good at shouting that across the alley.
- Fuckin' faggot.
- Prick.
Cocksucker.
Asshole.
Girlie man.
Republican.
Queer!
Fascist!
Freak!
Cheerleader fucker!
Fuckin' fruitcake.
Nazi!
What's with the fuckin' door?
I'll fuckin' help you out of the door.
Fuckin' faggot!
There you go.
It's open. There you go.
If you came here with a bellyful of
self pity, you came to the wrong place.
I left sensitivity back in the sandpile.
All right, girl.
Michelle Pfeiffer goes
after a dangerous mind.
I know you're in there. You paid for
the lesson. You might as well get it.
Come on. Open the door.
Walt, I want you, baby!
Oh, Walt, please be my man!
Oh, please put it inside of me!
Break it off in me, daddy.
Break it off in me.
What the fuck's the matter with you?
OK, OK.
What the fuck you doin'?
All right, we had a few words.
None that we haven't heard or used
before. So is that it? You just quit?
Fuck you!
Fuck you, too.
Fuck you!
Having no trouble with the F sound?
Get out!
Get out! Fuckin' faggot.
Fine, fine!
I told your doctor it would never work.
- You. You talked to D-Dr. Nirmala?
- Yeah.
Nirmala?
Yeah.
She's a fine woman. She helped a friend
of mine who died of Al DS. Miss Burma.
And also, if I was gonna teach you, I
wanted to make sure I was doing it right.
Like Anne Bancroft, you know.
The Miracle Worker.
I don't need no fag with a heart of gold.
Honey, you see
a crown of thorns on my head?
Only rhinestones, sweetheart.
I am no Brother Teresa.
I told you, I need the money.
I got big plans.
Oh!
Got a letter from Ed Koch.
Ah, when New York was fun.
Oh! You're a bowler.
That's so cute.
Third place. Pretty good.
Oh, I always heard
you were some kind of hero.
Yeah. Look where it got me.
Oh, hey. You know?
You got a rough break. Who did n't?
Look, I see you sittin' there all alone
you know, all the time.
Hidin' from life, you know?
Life. Life is shit.
Aren't you just a little ray of sunshine?
Allow me to leave you sitting all alone on
your pity pot, cos I've been there before.
Poor me, poor me
pour me another, all right?
OK.
Oh, honey, are you coming upstairs?
You know, to face the music
like the man you're supposed to be?
Or should I just get Dr Kevorkian's
fucking phone number for you?
Your favourite note.
Oh, that was so adorable.
All right, play that funky music, white boy!
OK. I think you're doing
pretty good with the scales.
We need to start workin' on a song, OK?
All right.
Oh, listen.
Everything's Coming Up Roses?
Peppy, positive, Sondheim.
No? OK, OK. Moving right along.
Probably you 're into Sinatra.
Although I don't do Sinatra. Although
I'm sure I'm the only girl who hasn't.
I... I like the tango.
So... you're a tango dancer?
Are you?
Was. Was.
Yeah.
You will be again, though. I know
I know a song you'd probably love.
All right, hold on.
It's right here.
Sorry, girl.
We didn't know you was entertaining.
We're going downstairs for some pizza.
We were gonna go watch Carmine twirl
that pizza dough with his big muscles.
- You wanna come with us?
- Ladies.
This is Walt from downstairs.
He's taking singing lessons, all right?
Well, Mary, I just wanna find out
about my blue dress.
I'm sorry. This will only take one minute.
You better watch out for Rusty, honey.
She likes you "straight" guys.
Miss Thing, shove a land mine
in that big hole you call a mouth.
How you doin', baby? My name is
Cha Cha de los Santos Prez Cueva.
You can just call me Cha-Cha.
Oh, I'm sorry. You have
a My Left Foot thing going on, don't you?
All right, out, out, out! Out!
I think we got the message! Come on!
Yoo-hoo, Miss Taco Bell.
Vmonos. Vmonos.
- Bye, Mr. My Left Foot.
- Vmonos. Vmonos.
All right, I'll take a Mido!
Miss you already!
Sorry about that. They are so much work.
All right. Is this the real you or what?
Give me some men
who are stout hearted men
Who will fight for the right they adore
Ooh, macho man!
The macho man! I kill bear! Shit in woods!
Am I right? You'll love it, honey.
All right. Now, we can start with.
From the top of that song
I thought would be really good.
How long you been doing this?
Singing?
No, no. This drag queen type of thing.
Well, I've been in musicals
at school, ever since I was a little kid.
You know, I was Prince Chulalongkorn
in The King And I.
Bu t I was miscast
Then I was the lion in The Wizard of Oz
and I was definitely miscast
but I was the only one...
fat enough to fit
into the costume. Whatever.
And then in The Snow Queen
I was again totally miscast as the king.
We were all on stage
and they had made these dry ice kettles
so smoke could come out of 'em.
And one night, all of a sudden
one dry ice kettle exploded
and dry ice flew everywhere.
Well, pretty little Miss No Talent
who was playing the snow queen
dashed off the stage screaming
and pulling her hair out.
Well, the play must go on, I believe
and she had dropped her crown.
Well, honey, I just picked up that crown
put it on my head
and I was the greatest
goddamn snow queen
In the history o f PS 11
Paramus, New Jersey.
And I have been
wearing dresses ever since.
Bu t I don't like
the term "drag queen", you know?
Because most drag queens just
wanna parade around looking lawless.
and if they sing
they lip synch to records and...
I'm a singer...
and I'm a female impressionist.
I'm an artist, you know?
Who do you think
you're bull... bullshitting?
You 're a fuckin' drag queen!
Let me savour those lovely words
for a moment, all right?
What are you, channelling Jesse Helms?
Don't be so... so sensitive.
You. You can take a dick.
you can take an insult.
Right, Walt.
I'm not so... stupid as you think.
Honey, you could never be as stupid
as I think you are, all right?
Yes?
I owe you two weeks, right?
Yes
And there's a week in advance.
I'm getting a motorcycle.
Can I park it in the back so it's safe?
A motorcycle.
It's $50 additional every week for parking.
$50?
No problem.
Take it easy.
Would you like a receipt for that?
No, I trust you. Why don't you
lighten up a little bit, Leonard?
- Cone on, Tasha.
- Bye
Have a nice evening.
Don't push me! Don't push me!
Please don't push me! Just go!
Don't call my fuckin' house! Jesus!
Wait! Wait!
No, wait!
Look, Im sorry! Please stay!
Please!
- We're gonna start with "Shirley, Shirley".
- Last night.
- What, honey?
- Your boyfriend?
Yeah.
It's complicated.
He's married. He has two kids.
But the fucking gambles
you know?
On sports.
He always needs money for new storm
windows or something for his kids
so he says, but it's
for gambling and I know.
He gambles with your money?
Yeah, the gambles with my money
So you pay... for sex?
Honey, there's no romance
without finance, you know?
Oh, no. I don't pay for sex.
No?
No.
Well...
What, you think if you got a wifey
or a girlfriend, you don't pay, honey?
Honey, you pay, all right?
You ever been married?
Don't answer that.
She probably died of some horrible
disease and it's made you what you are.
Well, she was a... a dancer.
I worshipped her.
She ran... ran off with some guy who...
gave her a... a tattoo.
Took everything. Everything.
The dog. Everything.
Honey, you should have
gotten another dog.
All right.
All right, slowly now.
Oh, Christ. I'm sorry.
Just Shirley, Shirley. Just practise it.
OK, OK! OK!
Stop ringing.
What? What?
When?
Hold on, hold on.
We're gonna have to stop
for today, sweetheart.
I'm sorry. I just have to stop.
Hello?
Hello?
Who is this?
Walt.
Walt.
Is there anything you need?
To tell you the truth, I was... I...
I was hoping later we would get together.
Sure. You're a godsend.
Because Im.
having trouble with my rent...
again this month.
To tell you the truth, I'm...
I'm kind of tapped out. I don't have
any money except for the... the therapy.
I see.
But we could still... still get together.
Oh, sure.
How about some... some time
next... next week?
Listen, Im gong to be tied up
for the next couple of weeks.
But I'll call you.
I gotta go.
OK. Bye.
- Bye, sweetheart. I'll call you. Bye.
- Sure. OK
Bye.
Don't go, cos she ain't interested in you
or what picture you wanna see.
Mr. Pogo has returned.
Where you going?
I haven't finished my story.
Nice wheels.
Thanks, man.
- Yeah, it must have cost you.
- Yeah.
Where'd you get the money? Hey?
- What the fu ck?
- You been lashin' around a lotta cash.
Where'd you get it?
Some guy owed me money. Big deal.
What fuckin' guy? What guy?
Look, fuck this shit.
Tasha, we gotta get out of here.
Aw, shit!
I'm fuckin' the bitch.
I'll tell you. Don't hurt the bike.
I been dealing.
Dealing? For who, motherfucker?
Radio.
For that fat fuck? In Mr. Z's territory?
Fucker!
Oh, shit!
You deal around here again
you're fuckin' dead!
You never said nothin'
about dealin' drugs!
Prick!
Tasha.
I really thought you were the one.
You just treated me like scum.
And you left me like a tornado
leaves a town.
I gave you love.
I gave you gifts.
Bu t you treated me like shit.
And you fuckin' kicked me
when I was down.
You fuckin' kicked me
when I was down.
So no more excuses.
When I call, youse answer the phone.
Cos I know you talked to Karen.
She told you?
No. Tia.
The young one in the dance club
who had eyes for you?
Tia's a whore, Tommy.
They're all whores.
Except my mother, may she rest in peace.
Hey, watch it.
Hey, and your mother too...
What's your name again?
- LeShaun.
- LeShaun. Right.
Anyways, tomorrow's Saturday
and the card game's at Vinnie's.
The guys would sure love it
if you would drop by, like old times.
Maybe.
Yeah, sure. And black is beautiful.
Man, watch your mouth, all right?
Fat boy
Fat boy?
Oh, you motherfucker!
Now, watch it...
You wanna come over here and watch?
Don't be mad at me just cos
you look like Pillsbury Doughboy.
I am somebody.
Oh, no. Hold on.
Hand me the paddle, man.
Get that fuckin' paddle before...
Watch out...
Hey, come on! I said it to you on purpose!
I know, you came from kings.
I saw Roots. All 20 nights of it.
Hey, you're making me
miss 'em, Tommy. Come on!
I got it.
There we go.
Hey.
Is Walt there?
Yeah, he's here.
Thanks.
Don't cry for me, Argentina.
What do you think, M r My Le ft Foot?
You know, for the Flawless contest?
I don't know.
Oh, your brain's still broke, huh?
Well, that's OK.
Have you seen Miss Rusty? Cos
she was supposed to help me with this.
No, I haven't seen him.
OK. Thank you.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye.
Bye, big boy
He gone? Huh?
I don't wanna hear one fuckin' word
from either one of you.
OK... baby.
OK, baby.
Oh, my God. I'm so glad
I lived long enough to see that.
Baby!
Get up, girl.
Like Lana Turner in Ziegfeld Girl.
Oh, honey.
Oh, honey.
Hi.
Are you all right?
Oh, peachy, honey.
Where the hell you been?
Oh, fun and games.
My mothers funeral and wake.
Oh. Sorry to hear about your mother.
Oh, my father killed her a long time ago.
Buried her today, that's all.
This is my legacy...
Her old gloves. She always wore gloves.
Yeah, she was a victim, you know?
But she was sweet
you know, but a victim.
A reformed drunk...
on her knees at church, begging
you know, Jesus, Mary and Joseph
and every goddamn saint in heaven
to forgive her for giving birth
to Cruella de Fag, you know?
Being a slave to my father before he died.
You would have loved each other.
He...
He thought Archie Bunker
was a flaming liberal.
You know, every morning
she would get up and fix him breakfast.
And... every morning, for 30 years
she said
Hi, Daddy. Do you love me?
No answer.
Every morning, 30 years.
Hi, Daddy. Do you love me? No answer.
One day, my ma says
Hi, Daddy. Do you love me?
And...
he said no.
The moral of that story is so...
If you haven't gotten an answer in
30 years, you ought to know it by now.
Thanks for the drink.
You're welcome.
See you tomorrow.
Thank you for staying.
Sorry about your mother.
Thanks.
You 're right, Walt.
Honey, I just want you
to know that you're right.
You know, Im
I'm not an artist, you know.
I'm not some... female impressionist.
I'm a...
I'm lonely...
and I'm ugly...
and I'm a drag queen.
Now look who's feeling
sorry for themselves.
Where have you been?
Sonny, don't.
You says if I come here last night
you'll have the fuckin' money
Not now! I didn't have the money!
I was somewhere else!
Where's the fuckin' money?
Come on, man. Take it easy.
Who the fuck is this?
- Let go! I'll get the money.
- Get my money.
Let go of him. I'll give you the money.
Walt, just get in the room. He's not
gonna let you go. Just walk in the room.
I'm tired of coming here for nothing.
Five minutes. OK?
If you fuck around, I'm telling you
I'm gonna fuckin' smack you.
You look really good today, all right?
All right, honey.
Fuck you, you cocksucker!
Don't you fuckin' lock this door!
Motherfucker!
Don't you lock that door!
No! Not the fuckin' door again!
Rusty! You wanna fuck around
let's fuck around.
Open the fuckin' door!
I need that money, man!
Steel plate. Don't worry.
I don't know if I did it to keep out
burglars or Sonny when he gets like this.
Go home and beat up wifey
before I call the cops, you fucker!
All right, fuck you! You just fucked up.
I'm comin' back every fuckin' night.
You don't pay me, I'll take a fuckin'
scissor to every fuckin' wig you got here!
Motherfucker!
So that's your... your boyfriend?
He's not always like this.
He's got this Italian Catholic
guilt and shame thing
because he loves me so much.
We're... we're working it out.
This won't happen once I have...
my operation to be all woman, you know?
That's why I work teaching and sewing
saving up for the day that I...
become a real woman.
You 're gonna become
one of those he-she freaks?
All she.
After the...
hormone shots and the operation.
You're gonna cut off
your dick and balls?
Snip, snip, sweetheart.
How could a man cut off his dick
and balls? Why would you do that?
Because
I'm a woman trapped
in a man's body, honey.
You 're no woman.
I'm just not your idea of a woman, Walt.
You 're nobody's idea of a woman.
I'm my idea.
Maybe I can under understand if if
you wanted to be a woman, but...
I don't understand a man
wanting to be an ugly woman.
Open up! We ain't got all day! Come on!
Walt! We didn't think
you would come to Vinnie's house
so we brought the party to you!
- We missed you.
- Let's go! Let's go!
Hey, you guys.
Is Waldo back here or what?
Waldo Koontz is back.
The man's a true hero.
I'll never forget that day
in that bank 14 years ago.
I heard it 43 times. I heard it.
I don't wanna hear it again.
All right, I won't say it!
Whatever happened to the other guy? You
know, the other guard, Joe? Is he retired?
No, no. He got a great job in
Southeast Asia, something like that.
He was a smart guy.
Right.
Walt. I hear you're thick with the
she he's... or should I say long and thick?
I'm taking speech therapy
cos it's in the building.
It's in the building, fuckhead!
Yeah, Mike. And he's doing great.
He is.
I never thought I'd see Walt The Wall
Koontz hangin' out with drag queens.
Will you shut the fuck up?
It's better than lookin' at you.
I'll get it.
- Paulle, are you out?
- Yes, Im out.
It's you and I, Vinnie.
Are we playing cards? We're out, huh?
Fellas, you remember Tia
from the dance club?
Walt, you remember Tia, right?
Jesus, you know what?
We should go. Look at the time.
We should get outta here.
Fix the chips out later. Come on.
Hey, Tia.
You're a real girl, aren't you?
Will you shut the fuck up?
Don't pay any attention to him.
He's brain damaged from birth.
Hey, Walt... Get your skinny ass o...
I'll see you next Saturday
all right? My house. OK?
How you doin'?
OK.
This is for you.
I can put them in some water for you.
Just show me where the stuff is.
I got it.
It's OK.
No, I'll do it.
I know how much you like
the tango so much, so...
I made a tape of those songs
that you like the most.
The quality's not that great but...
you get the idea.
Thanks for the... the tape.
Nice. Nice. Nice.
Well...
Well, you never aksed me to dance, so...
now I can aks you.
No, I... I...
It's OK.
I don't have any money.
Who said anything about money?
Wait. Wait. I get it.
What?
Tommy paid you.
He feels sorry for me. Didn't he?
You feel sorry for me
I feel sorry for you?
No problem.
I never felt sorry for you, Walt, until now.
Take it easy, Walt.
Oh, go, girl. Go, girl. Go, girl. Go, girl.
All right! All right, sweetheart.
Very good, honey. Very good.
Good song you picked. Good.
What's next?
Honey, I think that's it.
You've graduated.
I thought you were gonna do
some songs, some stuff to learn? Huh?
Honey, I would love to keep
taking your money.
But you're doing.
You 're doing really well, you know?
And I made you a bunch of tapes.
And you can go practise them.
Why don't you come by tomorrow at five
and you can pick 'em up, OK?
OK.
OK.
Thanks for meeting with us.
We've been discussing
this year's Gay Pride parade.
And we felt that it would be important...
well, a good idea, to show a united front.
Synthesis, I believe.
Right.
Synthesis!
We felt, as gay Republicans
we thought it would be a really good
idea if we could all come together
and show the world our likenesses
not our differences.
To celebrate the...
Synthesis.
Right, synthesis. Synthesis.
You 're very good You a re
Sorry, go ahead.
We... We could march together
as a united brotherhood.
What about the sisterhood?
We march on foot. No floats.
You think if you have no loats we won't
do drag cos we can't march in heels.
Well, let me tell you something, honey.
We can march to Lake Titicaca
and back in stilettos. So don't.
Hey, let's just calm down, men.
Aren't you guys the same group that
raised a shitload of money for Bob
Dole's campaign, and he sent it back?
He would have lost support
of the Christian Right...
Exactly. Cos you're gay.
You 're gay, so he sent it back.
Aren't you ashamed?
You are right. We are different...
but not in the way that you mean.
We're different because you are ashamed
of us, and we are not ashamed of you.
As long as you get down on those Banana
Republican knees and suck dick, honey
you're all my sisters.
And I love you. I do.
God bless you... and fuck off.
Ma?
Ma?
Ma?
Oh, my... Oh, my God.
Jacko... Jacko.
Mr. Z I didn't expect
Where's my mother?
Leonard. Haven't I
always been good to you?
Good to me? You've always
been g-good to me, Mr. Z.
Didn't I help you get the mortgage
on this place for your mother?
You 're a saint, Mr. Z.
I kind of treated you like a pet, didn't I?
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Sit down, Leonard.
We searched every step of Raymond's
route 5500 times and still no money.
Mr. Z, don't you remember
that I was the one that tipped you off?
Mmn-hmn. And we searched every square
inch of that asswipe leabag motel.
- And still no money.
- Mr., Z, please!
I swear to you. I swear on my mother.
I swear on my mother!
Oh, your mother.
She said she didn't know anything either.
Even after we took her glasses.
Monmy.
And her hearing aid.
And her teeth.
Mommy.
Mommy.
And her little bird.
Lucia no.
Now, in exactly 20 minutes, Vance
is gonna deliver your mother here.
Don't worry about her.
I told him to soothe her with milkshakes
and whatever the fuck else
she could gum down at the drive thru.
Now, if... and this is a big if', Leonard
if you are telling the truth
then someone in that hotel got my money.
I don't have it. I don't have it.
I don't have it.
If you're a good dog
you'll fetch and retrieve it for me.
If you don't...
I can only come to one conclusion.
Leonard, if you spend one dime
that looks suspicious
next time, you won't be
swearing on your mother.
You'll be swearing on her grave.
Who is it?
It's Walt.
Oh, honey, come on in. The door's open.
Surprise!
Come on in the house.
Come on. Surprise.
Happy graduation! Happy graduation!
Happy graduation!
Yeah, sing it up!
Happy graduation! Happy graduation!
Wanna dance?
I'd love to. But I should go.
Bye, honey. Take care o f yourself.
Mr. My Left Foot.
This is the movie I was talking about.
My Left Foot. This is for you to keep.
It's very inspirational
Do you like my cufflinks?
And they really shoot BBs.
If you like this, I can get you another one.
It's called The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Have you heard of it before?
It's my favourite.
It's about this guy who's really
misshapen. Even worse than you.
And he falls in love with this beautiful
fiery, wild, gypsy girl called Esmerelda.
She kinda looks like me.
Let's dance!
Oh, God. My tits are falling down.
Here, you wanna see 'em?
Here's what it is.
Hello! Pizza, everyone!
All right!
Carmine, Carmine! Let me pay for them.
We got 'em. I got one, and Carmine
and his folks are getting the other.
Hi, Carmine.
I have to get goin'. My father's waitin'.
A lot of work to do.
Carmine, why don't you have a drink?
Come on, have a drink.
Let me touch you r chest.
Girls, take him down! Take him down!
No. You first.
My popper, good popper
Give me a kiss, honey.
She's sweet, right?
God, how old is she?
She's a Leo.
I asked how old she was.
I... You know, I don't know.
I met her when
she was wearing a uniform.
Oh, yeah? What kind of uniform?
You know, that school outfit or whatever.
What school?
The little Catholic place down the street.
Junior high? High school?
You know, yeah. You know.
Take it off! Look at that. Oh, my God!
Look at his stomach, Jesus Christ!
Goddamn, Carmine!
I sent you an hour ago! Come on!
- Let him stay!
- Hey!
Leave the guy alone. Leave him alone
Carmine, I love you!
Oh, my God. She shot me.
Oh, my God. I'm scarred!
And the big contest is tomorrow night.
It was an accident. I'm sorry.
- I told you not to wear those guns.
- Look, you 're so stupid!
Oh, Rusty. I shot my best friend in
the tit with my cufflink. I didn't mean it.
You know
I never would have believed that we
could have gotten through this together.
I mean, I can't believe that I could.
I mean, that I could...
you know, actually be of some
kind of help to someone like you.
You know, the big hero and all
you know?
I'm no big hero. I'm...
I'm scared.
I need a drink.
Well, what could you be scared of?
What's the worst fear?
That you'll fall on the street?
Someone'll make fun of you?
I mean, what?
I'm... I'm afraid that women won't
want to sleep with me any more.
Well, guess what?
Some of them won't.
So you'll just have to find
the ones that will, Walt.
And just remember
this is who you are, Waldo.
You 're Walt "the Wall" Koontz,
a true hero.
Who's the little guy?
Joe.
Joe.
Joe and me were friends for years.
Best friends.
He really wanted to better himself.
I really admired him.
He went to school
nights and on weekends...
to learn computers.
Got a...
big job in Asia with computers.
I drove him to the airport...
and off Joe went to Asia.
Two days later, the bank...
has $200.000 missing.
Oh. Oh, Christ.
Somehow done from
the inside with computers.
Nobody ever heard from Joe again.
I drove Joe to the airport.
Got used by my best friend.
I never told anybody that.
Some hero, huh?
Well...
Since it's confession night...
at Our Lady of Perpetual Disco
I'm gonna tell you something
that I've never told anyone.
I've got...
Mr. Z's money.
I got here right when you were being
rushed to the hospital, you know.
And when the cops left, I went up.
Cos Amber had given me her key and told
me where she had always hid her money.
She always had some money
set aside for her funeral
cos she always knew that she was
gonna die young. And of course, she did.
Poor baby.
So, where is it?
Right in here, honey
where Momma always knows where it is.
Right here in hips, ass
and titty city, sweetheart.
It's gonna pay for my operation.
And when I come back
you know, a new woman
I'm gonna give Amber a funeral
and a monument
and an eternal flame, honey.
Just like Princess Diana.
Wait a minute. You said that...
You said that you needed
the money from the lessons, right?
But if I was your your cover?
So all the sewing jobs
the crying poor
the... my lessons
that was all that was all so that
Leonard would not suspect you?
Wait a minute, honey.
I mean, you...
You used me cos of my condition.
Excuse me!
Check your playbill, Judge Ito.
You came to me.
That's cos I needed help.
And you used me.
Truth, baby?
You wanna play fucking truth?
You needed someone you weren't
ashamed to be crippled in front of.
All right? Someone you
thought was so beneath you.
A worse freak so you could feel superior
and still be the big fucking man.
At least...
At least I'm a real man.
Everybody, including Wolf
fucking Blitzer on CN N
knows you don't think
I'm a real man, honey.
All right, what? Cos I don't... What?
Shit in the woods? I don't shoot guns?
You know? Let me tell
you something, baby.
It takes a shitload more courage
to wake up and face my life
than anything you've ever
fuckin' dreamed of, all right?
You couldn't handle real adversity, honey.
That's the truth.
Truth? You want fuckin' truth?
You 're never gonna be a woman.
You're an ugly fat faggot. There's truth.
You're an ugly fuckin' fat faggot.
I am more man than you will ever be
and more woman than you will ever get.
- You wish!
- Yeah, I do wish! All right, honey?
And while the hate was pouring
out of you, you didn't stutter.
Now haul your sorry, crippled ass
out of my house. Move it, gimpy.
Watch your mouth!
Or you'll beat the shit out of me?
You r days of beating the shit are over!
Face it, Waldo, your hero days are over.
And you're a fuckin' faggot.
I may be a female impersonator, but you
my friend, are a male impersonator!
Fuck you!
Yeah, life's a bitch so I became one!
Oh, my God. Look who's here, Sal.
We gotta say hello.
Hey, Walt. How you doin'?
Hey, Tommy.
It's good to see you, man.
Welcome back.
That's OK.
I'm goin' over there.
We'll talk to you.
Right.
Hey, Walter.
How are you?
OK.
I've really missed you.
Well, thanks.
Mmm, flowers. For me?
Not exactly.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Hi.
I brought you some flowers.
Thanks.
You don't wanna dance?
This fuckin' cunt did not deserve to win!
She's not a true fuckin' beauty!
This contest is fixed!
Hey, tell your stories walking, girls!
This group this way. You girls that way!
This is what gives
drag queens a bad name.
You two are banned
from the contest next year.
- Maybe so, hefty.
- Yeah. You 're old and Im young
and I'm gonna live
to piss on your fuckin' grave.
Hello, buzzard!
This was the first time I...
since this... happened.
I was real nervous.
But you were great.
You were great.
You were? I was nervous.
You just need to be around somebody.
I don't know, that... that likes you...
just the way you are.
Somebody else said that to me.
Said Some girls won't like you like this.
"You gotta find the one that will".
Yeah, well, they didn't bullshit you
They told you the truth
whoever it was.
She must be a real good friend, huh?
Why do you say she?
I don't know. It sounds like
something a woman would say.
Why? Was it a man?
Well, not... not exactly.
Well, whatever. Whoever it was...
sounds like a good friend.
Good evening, Mr. Koontz. If you hear
anything in the building later tonight...
- Like what?
- Anything at all.
Just ignore it. Pretend it's not happening.
Do you know the phrase
Two closed ears, one closed mouth?
That's my motto and I follow it. To hear
nothing, to see nothing, to speak nothing.
I... I don't care
what goes on in this rat trap.
Who are you kiddin'? You've got
the biggest ears, the biggest nose
and the biggest mouth
of anybody I ever met
which makes you the biggest asshole.
Ooh, my wig!
Is everyone dry? All right, girls.
Good night.
Good night, Mama.
I love you. We're starting
on all new songs next week.
Hey, why don't we go upstairs
and show Mr. My Left Foot that we won?
Walt is history, honey.
He doesn't like us any more. I love you.
Bu t I still like him.
Taxi! Hey!
What the fuckin'...
So it's that kind of party, is it?
Where's my money?
Honey, this is where I came in.
Do I look like someone
who's got your money?
This looks like you got my money.
$25.000 deposit for an operation.
I earned that money.
$35.000 for a complete series
of female hormone therapy.
$25.000 for extensive
psychological testing before therapy.
Another $40.000 due.
You know, it costs a lot
to look like a woman.
Too expensive to look this cheap.
Fucker.
Death is cheap... fucker!
Just give me my money.
Understand that? Give me my money
and we're not gonna hurt you.
Give us the money. Give us the money.
Give it up, you bitch!
No!
You shot him! Fuckers!
Let him go! Let him go!
- Why should I?
- Let him go and I'll give you the money.
Rusty, don't do it! Don't do it!
Fuckin' bitch! Faggot!
Don't kill that bitch till I get my money.
OK, hero boy. On a count of three
no money, no rest of your life.
Sound fair?
OK.
It's in the bedroom.
Show me, you gimp fuck!
Come on, show me!
Where's the secret... Fuck!
Son of a bitch!
Fuck you!
Come on, you fuck!
Quit your fuckin' snivellin'.
Gotta knock that fucker down!
Knock that fucker down!
You motherfucker, you!
Where's the fuckin' phone?
Come on, motherfucker!
Stop! Stop!
She's got the gun.
Catch that cunt! Go!
Mrs. Spivak!
Call the cops! Call the cops!
Go away, or I'll call the police!
You ain't goin' nowhere,
you fuckin' gimp fuck!
Grace Kelly. Rear Window, honey.
All right.
Where you at, motherfucker?
You won't fuckin' get away, man!
Oh, God.
Fucker!
All right, girl.
Linda Hamilton.
Terminator... 2.
My money.
You clever bitch.
Stickin' my money
in your fuckin' ugly girdle.
Hold it.
Put down the gun, before your girlfriend
here gets a chance to blow Liberace.
Put it down.
Now put it down.
Put it down!
Thataboy.
Now, why don't you slide it over here?
Waldo Koontz and Russell Zimmerman.
Can you confirm it was self defense?
Yes. Self defense.
They were criminals. They were animals.
Brutes. They killed my mother's canary.
What?
They killed my mother's canary.
I called the police. Do I get a reward?
Now, the name's Ivana. I V A N A.
- Last name?
- Man.
lvana Man!
I knew that something was gonna happen.
Hi, Mom!
I won Miss Flawless for the third time.
Careful!
It's a shoulder wound. He'll be fine.
Oh! Mr. My Left Foot!
I'm sorry. Relatives only.
I'm his sister.
He's my sister.
Thank you.
All right!
I'll visit you. Bye, Rusty!
Community Hospital downtown? You got
medical insurance? How you gonna pay?
Cash, honey. New York Hospital, and I
want the best team of surgeons available.
You heard me, Nurse Ratched!
Burn rubber, girl. We're goin' uptown.
Lucky you didn't cut your balls off yet.
Come on! Come on, girls!
You tried to kill my sister!
Mr. Z means Mr. Zero!
Get off of me! Police brutality!
We've got witnesses!
Watch my crown! Watch my crown!
Is there... Is there any way of dropping the
jaw any more than you're doing it now?
It's just... OK.
I'm just...
You've had more practice than I have.
No, I know. I'm sorry.
So let's go with...
I have this.
No, I know. I was just...
It's just... OK. All right.
Let's go to Nick, then, all right?
How you doin' today, anyway?
You feeling good?
OK.
I feel great today. Feel great today. OK.
What's another name that we could do?
Nick?
All right. Nick.
Let's think of something better.
- Prick?
- All right. Let's do "prick".
Prick! All right, here we go.
Your song.
All right... my song!
All right, let's do bastard next.
Here we go. All right
we'll do prick, all right. For me.
My song! All right!
All right.
We're gonna do bastard. Here we go.
I can't even wrap
my mouth around that one.
Am I blushing?
Let's do "queen".
Right at the end here, you go like this...
I like that.
Just looking for names on the piano here.
Chuck.
Yeah, Chuck. Let's do Chuck.
Ready?
What the fuck, Chuck?
Let's do "pussy".
You like pussy?
Yeah, you like pussy. I know you do.
Get the rope! Up there!
How was the handball game today?
We won.
You always win, man.
Shit! I missed it again.
You gotta get that delivered.
I gotta get to that game.
Hey, Walt. How you doin'?
Hey, John.
- Walt, can I count on you for Thursday?
- Yeah.
Stop, motherfucker, or you will die!
Raymond!
Hey, Dolly. Love your hair.
We're here!
- Hey. What you got there?
- Love letters?
Looks more like a Dear John letter to me
Hey, everybody needs love, honey.
All I need is a John!
They are not girls. They are not boys.
They can't help it.
They was born like that.
Something in the throat.
Mmm.
Hey, Walt.
Hey, Pogo. How you doin'?
Not good.
What happened?
Remember Ashley, my girlfriend?
Yeah.
She fuckin' left me, bro.
What do you want?
She looked like she was 14.
Hey! Hey! Shut the fuckin' window
or shut the fuck up!
You shut your fuckin' window!
Fuckin' faggots!
The gay community thanks you
for your support, fucker!
Fuck you and the gay community!
Fuck you and your Get married, have
kids and beat up the dog community!
Fuckin' demented fuckin' fruitcakes.
Ah, shit! He's not there, the little fuck.
Where the fuck is this motherfucker?
I don't trust him! I never did!
You 're looking sharp, Walt.
Save it for your payin' customers, babe.
- Hi, Amber.
- Listen.
Thanks.
Hi, sweetheart. I was in bed last night
and I saw a rat run across my rug.
No, I'm sure you're mistaken.
You 're not listening to me.
I was in bed last night.
I saw a rat run across the rug. OK?
Rat? We have no rats here.
Could you send Jaime to check
my apartment tomorrow, please?
I'm late for work.
Come on, Amber. Come here. Hurry up!
Thanks, Cristal.
Get in here.
I can't!
We're safe.
How you doin' there?
Hi.
Hey, Walt. How ya doin'?
Remember Sally?
Sally.
Hi, Walt.
Hey, baby. What are you doin'?
Comfy? Are you two comfy?
Well, welcome everybody.
You all look fabulous. You look fucking
great... except for this table over here.
Who's from Brooklyn here?
Any guys from Brooklyn?
Oh, hey, sweetie. You guys
like guy... girls with big fat asses?
Big ol' tits, right?
Why don't you come up here?
Just stand right there
except don't come any closer.
Guys like you beat my ass once I leave
the club. You know what I'm saying?
You love me when I'm here, and when
I leave you beat the shit out of me.
All right.
Get your fucking hand off my shoulder.
I was trying to get your ass.
Oh, my God. Are you gay?
A little bit.
Only a little bit?
And I'm a little bit of a girl, too, sweetie.
You're all woman.
All right. I want you to bend over now.
I want you to kiss my ass.
Kiss my ass. Think of me
as a present and it's Christmas.
All right.
Have a seat. Look at you. Jesus Christ!
All right, honies, I'm gonna invite
my first pretty little number on the stage.
And she's wonderful.
Amazing Grace, thank you.
How come you never aks me
to dance, huh, Walt?
How come always Karen?
Cos Karen's a lady and you ain't.
You're a whore.
How many times I tell you?
I don't go with whores.
I'm not a whore, Walt.
You're not? OK.
I'm ready.
Marmalade!
I hate to aks you, but I'm...
running kind of short on my rent again.
That enough?
Thank you, baby.
What a man.
What a woman.
See you next week.
I'll count the days.
That's a good boy, Leonard.
Escucha bien.
Just gimme my money.
Why'd you fuckers shoot? Fuck you!
Relax! Relax!
You want another one, motherfucker?
You shot her! You motherfucker!
Why'd you shoot her?
You fuckin' killed her, man!
Sir, can you hear me?
He's coming round.
Sir, have you been hit?
M r Koontz Are you awake?
I'm Dr Nirmala.
Can you hear me?
Do you understand me?
You've had a stroke. There is
some paralysis on your right side.
M r Koontz Im Detective Noonan.
In the early morning hours
of October 3rd, you heard gunshots.
You attempted to confront
the perpetrators before your heart attack?
Actually, a stroke.
Right. Sorry.
Did you get a look at the killers?
Could you identify them?
You 're here for Amber Garcia Sanchez?
I'm here to identify the body.
Uh huh. And your relationship
to the deceased?
Just a friend.
Stupid fuck! Where's the money?
Hey! We been every square inch.
The roof, basement, now this shithouse.
Philistines!
I'd like to know where
the fuckin' bitch is across the hall.
Miss Cristal? Are you in there?
Open the door, bitch!
Open the goddamn door, bitch!
All set, Mr. Koontz? I've arranged for
one of our volunteers to drive you home.
I'm goin' home alone.
By yourself? Alone?
- Bu t why?
- Im OK.
To see if I can.
Hey, Pop. Jesus Christ!
Come here. Check this out.
Walt, you need a little help?
Walt! Walt!
You need a little help, Walt?
No, I'm OK.
I can't believe what happened to him.
Waldo Koontz
why you walking so funny?
I... I had a stroke.
Oh? You think that's bad?
I didn't sleep a wink last night.
Oh, God.
Welcome home, motherfucker.
Oh, my God!
What the fuck did you do to my place?
You Neanderthals!
I'll fuck you up if we don't get our money.
What money?
The money Amber gave you to hide.
If I had money, I'd move to a place where I
wouldn't have to deal with scum like you.
Now see, bitch!
You homicidal maniacs are so sensitive.
What the fuck is this?
No! Don't! Don't!
Don't!
What is it?
What the fuck is this shit?
It's Amber's ashes.
Aw, shit! Aw, shit!
Get the fuck outta here!
Get the fuck outta here!
We'll be watching you, faggot.
Oh, watch my ass! Watch my ass!
Boomn, boom.
Ashley.
Why did you trash me?
Like some used-up soda can.
Ashley.
Why did you trash me?
I was supposed to be your man.
Ashley.
You 're a fuckin' bitch.
You left me for a guy named Lance.
Ashley.
You 're really stupid.
Cos I was saving up
to take you to France.
Yeah, I was gonna take you to France.
Mr. Koontz? It's Dr. Nirmala.
Are you in there?
Mr. Wilcox at the front desk
said you were In
Hello, Mr. Koontz.
I've been so concerned, Mr. Koontz.
You didn't return to the hospital
for your physical therapy.
And you don't answer your telephone.
And your friends say
that you never visit them
and you don't allow them to visit you.
And... And Mr. Pim, the grocer
he says that you shop once a week
and not till late at night.
Now, I can understand.
You don't want your friends to see you
perhaps not as you once were.
But if you came in for your therapy
you would improve.
and so would your spirits.
I can arrange to have
a physical therapist come here
three times a week. Hm?
Would you like that?
Of course, it's going to be more
expensive than at the hospital.
What else... What else
do I have to spend my... my money on?
Ah, son of a bitch! It stinks!
Let's keep our voices down.
Let's just keep our voices down.
Shut the fuck up! What the fuck are
we talking about, keeping shit down?
Where's this fuckin' bitch at?
That skanky whore has my money.
Oh, hi!
Well... Well, how are you?
I mean, I heard you got hurt
trying to save Amber.
You know, and she was
a friend of mine, so I really..
Well, I wanna thank you
and I'm sorry about...
Oh, here. Let me help you, sweetheart.
Get away.
Are you OK? Give me your hand?
Oh, don't be like that... for God's sake.
Are you worried I might be catchy?
Or you might suffer
from a severe jewelry rash?
Go fuck yourself.
I've had worse... big boy.
Happy Halloween.
You devil!
Are you registered to vote? Republican?
That is just teetering on interesting.
Look, it's very simple.
You sign up for the Flawless contest.
If we don't receive your entrance fee
in two weeks, you're eighty sixed.
You 're hideous!
Hi, ladies!
Hi, sweetheart.
Is it just me, or are drag queens
getting more demented?
It's just you, honey.
It's you, hon.
Honey, how come...
the goddamn entrance fee went up?
Cost of living.
A hundred fucking dollars!
- My God. Whose living is that?
- Not that it matters.
I think we all know who's going to win.
My little Hispanic hotcake.
You truly are lawless, Cha-Cha.
She ain't gonna win. No fuckin' way!
You prehistoric fucking bitch!
It's America's least wanted.
I heard your tired pussy was on sale
at the International House of Cunts!
Yeah, with your mama, bitch!
Take it to the street, freaks!
I need some butch faggots over here.
I need some dykes!
Get the fuck outta here! Shit!
That's right! You got thrown out again.
Oh, hi. Is Walt...
Could I...
Yeah, come on.
Thanks.
Hey, buddy. I been tryin' to see you.
You know how many times
I knocked on your door?
I been real worried.
I'm his physical therapist.
- LeShaun Williams.
- Tommy Walsh. Im on my lunch hour.
I thought I'd stop by.
Sure.
So... Walt, how you doin'?
Hey...
- What's your name?
- LeShaun.
Listen, you take good care of my buddy
here, huh? He's a real hero, you know.
He saved me, the other guard, Joe
and 14 hostages in 1988.
Tom... Wait, wait.
Thats how he won early retirement.
Look here. A letter from Mayor Koch.
Wow.
There's a bravery medal.
- Man.
- Tomnmy, please.
Look at this.
This is Walt, right here in the middle.
That's Joe. That's me.
I'm pistol whipped down on the floor.
Joe's shittin' in his pants.
And Walt, pistol whipped also
bleedin' like a mother
he pretends like he's knocked out.
All of a sudden, blam blam!
He shoots.
Two thievin' motherfuckers go down.
You want I should tell 'em to shut up?
Hey, shut the fuck up!
Girls, look. A man in uniform!
Officer, help me!
Holy shit!
Jesus Christ!
Fuckin' freak show!
Well... Maybe I should go.
Walt.
Here we go. That's right.
You need anything?
I'm OK.
I guess you heard that Amber
that little hooker upstairs
and her sleaze boyfriend stole off Mr. Z.
So it was his guys and him
that you were shootin' at.
They still can't find the money.
And you know the cops can't do anything.
Mr. Z's got 'em. In his pocket. Anyways.
Hey, do me a favor, will you? Pick up
the goddamn phone when I call you.
And take good care of him.
Yeah.
- What was your name again?
- LeShaun.
Right. Right.
All right.
I'll see youse.
Take it easy, Walt.
You know, I had some real success with...
stroke patients improvin' speech.
You know how? Don't laugh.
Singing lessons. It relaxes you.
A lot of people like singing.
I got a card in my bag for a lady uptown.
Mildred somethin'. She's good.
You gotta start gettin' out soon, anyway.
What could you lose?
You start talkin better
and phone your friends.
You could even have phone sex.
Call us. Call us now.
Hot, wild girls waiting by the phone.
We're hot and wild and willing.
The girl of your dreams
is waiting by the phone.
She'll make your fantasies come true.
Just call.
Pick up the phone.
Are you OK? I didn't hit you, did I?
He slipped on the ice.
Are you OK? Yeah?
Buddy, is this yours?
Hey, you dropped somethin'.
I'll go get the door. I'll go get the door.
Do you want this?
Is this your card? I think it is.
Honey, let me guess.
A Jehovah's Witness?
I... I was wondering if I could pay you...
pay you for singing lessons.
I'm sorry. I'd rather
suck Hitler's dead dick.
I'm sure you did!
Fuckin' faggot.
Wait a minute. Wait.
Fuck!
Honey, could you pay cash? Cash?
I don't want your pity.
I don't want your fuckin' pity either
all right? I need the money.
I'll call you from the window
tomorrow when I'm ready.
We're wasting our time out here.
Fuckin' bitch! Hey, bitch!
Bitch! Where the fuck is Cristal?
I see her! Right there!
Shit!
Wait a minute, motherfucker!
No! My leg, it's hurt bad.
What do you want from me?
What do you want?
Shut up!
- Mr. Z's fuckin' money.
- No, I swear I know nothing!
I don't know nothing!
Then why the fuck you disappear?
I heard you was looking for me and I seen
what you done to Amber and Raymond.
The same thing happens to you
if Mr. Z don't get his money!
Do I look like I got money?
You think I'd be working 10th?
If you're lying, you fuckbag...
I'm not!
- Boom! Boom!
- No, no!
What?
Stop it!
Can you give me some money? Fuck!
Give me some money, you fuckin' dicks!
Welcome to fairyland.
We hope you enjoy the ride.
Do not stand up in the cars and please...
leave your attitude outside, all right?
Honey, that was a joke, OK?
I hate people who think they're funny.
Yeah? Bet you hate a lot of things.
All right.
Well, I... I thought
we'd start with the scales.
Do you know the scales?
All right? Grumpy, Sneezy and Horny.
All right. Shall we begin?
One more time.
Let's move on.
Honey, I can't hear you.
I am not Jodie Foster
and this is not Silence of the Lambs.
Now, your voice is a muscle, all right?
And you can exercise it, OK?
What? You can exercise it.
Don't be afraid. All right?
Re. OK, that's better.
All right, let's move on.
That's better. That was a lot better.
OK, good. Going for fa.
Fa, come on. You can do it.
Sing out, Louise!
No, no. This is bullshit.
Here's the... Here, I'll pay you. Here's the...
- Hey, this was your idea.
- Bad idea.
I can't do it. Bullshit.
Can't do it. Can't do this.
Honey, can't lives on
won't street, all right?
Why don't you try fucking faggot?
You know, cos you were always pretty
good at shouting that across the alley.
- Fuckin' faggot.
- Prick.
Cocksucker.
Asshole.
Girlie man.
Republican.
Queer!
Fascist!
Freak!
Cheerleader fucker!
Fuckin' fruitcake.
Nazi!
What's with the fuckin' door?
I'll fuckin' help you out of the door.
Fuckin' faggot!
There you go.
It's open. There you go.
If you came here with a bellyful of
self pity, you came to the wrong place.
I left sensitivity back in the sandpile.
All right, girl.
Michelle Pfeiffer goes
after a dangerous mind.
I know you're in there. You paid for
the lesson. You might as well get it.
Come on. Open the door.
Walt, I want you, baby!
Oh, Walt, please be my man!
Oh, please put it inside of me!
Break it off in me, daddy.
Break it off in me.
What the fuck's the matter with you?
OK, OK.
What the fuck you doin'?
All right, we had a few words.
None that we haven't heard or used
before. So is that it? You just quit?
Fuck you!
Fuck you, too.
Fuck you!
Having no trouble with the F sound?
Get out!
Get out! Fuckin' faggot.
Fine, fine!
I told your doctor it would never work.
- You. You talked to D-Dr. Nirmala?
- Yeah.
Nirmala?
Yeah.
She's a fine woman. She helped a friend
of mine who died of Al DS. Miss Burma.
And also, if I was gonna teach you, I
wanted to make sure I was doing it right.
Like Anne Bancroft, you know.
The Miracle Worker.
I don't need no fag with a heart of gold.
Honey, you see
a crown of thorns on my head?
Only rhinestones, sweetheart.
I am no Brother Teresa.
I told you, I need the money.
I got big plans.
Oh!
Got a letter from Ed Koch.
Ah, when New York was fun.
Oh! You're a bowler.
That's so cute.
Third place. Pretty good.
Oh, I always heard
you were some kind of hero.
Yeah. Look where it got me.
Oh, hey. You know?
You got a rough break. Who did n't?
Look, I see you sittin' there all alone
you know, all the time.
Hidin' from life, you know?
Life. Life is shit.
Aren't you just a little ray of sunshine?
Allow me to leave you sitting all alone on
your pity pot, cos I've been there before.
Poor me, poor me
pour me another, all right?
OK.
Oh, honey, are you coming upstairs?
You know, to face the music
like the man you're supposed to be?
Or should I just get Dr Kevorkian's
fucking phone number for you?
Your favourite note.
Oh, that was so adorable.
All right, play that funky music, white boy!
OK. I think you're doing
pretty good with the scales.
We need to start workin' on a song, OK?
All right.
Oh, listen.
Everything's Coming Up Roses?
Peppy, positive, Sondheim.
No? OK, OK. Moving right along.
Probably you 're into Sinatra.
Although I don't do Sinatra. Although
I'm sure I'm the only girl who hasn't.
I... I like the tango.
So... you're a tango dancer?
Are you?
Was. Was.
Yeah.
You will be again, though. I know
I know a song you'd probably love.
All right, hold on.
It's right here.
Sorry, girl.
We didn't know you was entertaining.
We're going downstairs for some pizza.
We were gonna go watch Carmine twirl
that pizza dough with his big muscles.
- You wanna come with us?
- Ladies.
This is Walt from downstairs.
He's taking singing lessons, all right?
Well, Mary, I just wanna find out
about my blue dress.
I'm sorry. This will only take one minute.
You better watch out for Rusty, honey.
She likes you "straight" guys.
Miss Thing, shove a land mine
in that big hole you call a mouth.
How you doin', baby? My name is
Cha Cha de los Santos Prez Cueva.
You can just call me Cha-Cha.
Oh, I'm sorry. You have
a My Left Foot thing going on, don't you?
All right, out, out, out! Out!
I think we got the message! Come on!
Yoo-hoo, Miss Taco Bell.
Vmonos. Vmonos.
- Bye, Mr. My Left Foot.
- Vmonos. Vmonos.
All right, I'll take a Mido!
Miss you already!
Sorry about that. They are so much work.
All right. Is this the real you or what?
Give me some men
who are stout hearted men
Who will fight for the right they adore
Ooh, macho man!
The macho man! I kill bear! Shit in woods!
Am I right? You'll love it, honey.
All right. Now, we can start with.
From the top of that song
I thought would be really good.
How long you been doing this?
Singing?
No, no. This drag queen type of thing.
Well, I've been in musicals
at school, ever since I was a little kid.
You know, I was Prince Chulalongkorn
in The King And I.
Bu t I was miscast
Then I was the lion in The Wizard of Oz
and I was definitely miscast
but I was the only one...
fat enough to fit
into the costume. Whatever.
And then in The Snow Queen
I was again totally miscast as the king.
We were all on stage
and they had made these dry ice kettles
so smoke could come out of 'em.
And one night, all of a sudden
one dry ice kettle exploded
and dry ice flew everywhere.
Well, pretty little Miss No Talent
who was playing the snow queen
dashed off the stage screaming
and pulling her hair out.
Well, the play must go on, I believe
and she had dropped her crown.
Well, honey, I just picked up that crown
put it on my head
and I was the greatest
goddamn snow queen
In the history o f PS 11
Paramus, New Jersey.
And I have been
wearing dresses ever since.
Bu t I don't like
the term "drag queen", you know?
Because most drag queens just
wanna parade around looking lawless.
and if they sing
they lip synch to records and...
I'm a singer...
and I'm a female impressionist.
I'm an artist, you know?
Who do you think
you're bull... bullshitting?
You 're a fuckin' drag queen!
Let me savour those lovely words
for a moment, all right?
What are you, channelling Jesse Helms?
Don't be so... so sensitive.
You. You can take a dick.
you can take an insult.
Right, Walt.
I'm not so... stupid as you think.
Honey, you could never be as stupid
as I think you are, all right?
Yes?
I owe you two weeks, right?
Yes
And there's a week in advance.
I'm getting a motorcycle.
Can I park it in the back so it's safe?
A motorcycle.
It's $50 additional every week for parking.
$50?
No problem.
Take it easy.
Would you like a receipt for that?
No, I trust you. Why don't you
lighten up a little bit, Leonard?
- Cone on, Tasha.
- Bye
Have a nice evening.
Don't push me! Don't push me!
Please don't push me! Just go!
Don't call my fuckin' house! Jesus!
Wait! Wait!
No, wait!
Look, Im sorry! Please stay!
Please!
- We're gonna start with "Shirley, Shirley".
- Last night.
- What, honey?
- Your boyfriend?
Yeah.
It's complicated.
He's married. He has two kids.
But the fucking gambles
you know?
On sports.
He always needs money for new storm
windows or something for his kids
so he says, but it's
for gambling and I know.
He gambles with your money?
Yeah, the gambles with my money
So you pay... for sex?
Honey, there's no romance
without finance, you know?
Oh, no. I don't pay for sex.
No?
No.
Well...
What, you think if you got a wifey
or a girlfriend, you don't pay, honey?
Honey, you pay, all right?
You ever been married?
Don't answer that.
She probably died of some horrible
disease and it's made you what you are.
Well, she was a... a dancer.
I worshipped her.
She ran... ran off with some guy who...
gave her a... a tattoo.
Took everything. Everything.
The dog. Everything.
Honey, you should have
gotten another dog.
All right.
All right, slowly now.
Oh, Christ. I'm sorry.
Just Shirley, Shirley. Just practise it.
OK, OK! OK!
Stop ringing.
What? What?
When?
Hold on, hold on.
We're gonna have to stop
for today, sweetheart.
I'm sorry. I just have to stop.
Hello?
Hello?
Who is this?
Walt.
Walt.
Is there anything you need?
To tell you the truth, I was... I...
I was hoping later we would get together.
Sure. You're a godsend.
Because Im.
having trouble with my rent...
again this month.
To tell you the truth, I'm...
I'm kind of tapped out. I don't have
any money except for the... the therapy.
I see.
But we could still... still get together.
Oh, sure.
How about some... some time
next... next week?
Listen, Im gong to be tied up
for the next couple of weeks.
But I'll call you.
I gotta go.
OK. Bye.
- Bye, sweetheart. I'll call you. Bye.
- Sure. OK
Bye.
Don't go, cos she ain't interested in you
or what picture you wanna see.
Mr. Pogo has returned.
Where you going?
I haven't finished my story.
Nice wheels.
Thanks, man.
- Yeah, it must have cost you.
- Yeah.
Where'd you get the money? Hey?
- What the fu ck?
- You been lashin' around a lotta cash.
Where'd you get it?
Some guy owed me money. Big deal.
What fuckin' guy? What guy?
Look, fuck this shit.
Tasha, we gotta get out of here.
Aw, shit!
I'm fuckin' the bitch.
I'll tell you. Don't hurt the bike.
I been dealing.
Dealing? For who, motherfucker?
Radio.
For that fat fuck? In Mr. Z's territory?
Fucker!
Oh, shit!
You deal around here again
you're fuckin' dead!
You never said nothin'
about dealin' drugs!
Prick!
Tasha.
I really thought you were the one.
You just treated me like scum.
And you left me like a tornado
leaves a town.
I gave you love.
I gave you gifts.
Bu t you treated me like shit.
And you fuckin' kicked me
when I was down.
You fuckin' kicked me
when I was down.
So no more excuses.
When I call, youse answer the phone.
Cos I know you talked to Karen.
She told you?
No. Tia.
The young one in the dance club
who had eyes for you?
Tia's a whore, Tommy.
They're all whores.
Except my mother, may she rest in peace.
Hey, watch it.
Hey, and your mother too...
What's your name again?
- LeShaun.
- LeShaun. Right.
Anyways, tomorrow's Saturday
and the card game's at Vinnie's.
The guys would sure love it
if you would drop by, like old times.
Maybe.
Yeah, sure. And black is beautiful.
Man, watch your mouth, all right?
Fat boy
Fat boy?
Oh, you motherfucker!
Now, watch it...
You wanna come over here and watch?
Don't be mad at me just cos
you look like Pillsbury Doughboy.
I am somebody.
Oh, no. Hold on.
Hand me the paddle, man.
Get that fuckin' paddle before...
Watch out...
Hey, come on! I said it to you on purpose!
I know, you came from kings.
I saw Roots. All 20 nights of it.
Hey, you're making me
miss 'em, Tommy. Come on!
I got it.
There we go.
Hey.
Is Walt there?
Yeah, he's here.
Thanks.
Don't cry for me, Argentina.
What do you think, M r My Le ft Foot?
You know, for the Flawless contest?
I don't know.
Oh, your brain's still broke, huh?
Well, that's OK.
Have you seen Miss Rusty? Cos
she was supposed to help me with this.
No, I haven't seen him.
OK. Thank you.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye.
Bye, big boy
He gone? Huh?
I don't wanna hear one fuckin' word
from either one of you.
OK... baby.
OK, baby.
Oh, my God. I'm so glad
I lived long enough to see that.
Baby!
Get up, girl.
Like Lana Turner in Ziegfeld Girl.
Oh, honey.
Oh, honey.
Hi.
Are you all right?
Oh, peachy, honey.
Where the hell you been?
Oh, fun and games.
My mothers funeral and wake.
Oh. Sorry to hear about your mother.
Oh, my father killed her a long time ago.
Buried her today, that's all.
This is my legacy...
Her old gloves. She always wore gloves.
Yeah, she was a victim, you know?
But she was sweet
you know, but a victim.
A reformed drunk...
on her knees at church, begging
you know, Jesus, Mary and Joseph
and every goddamn saint in heaven
to forgive her for giving birth
to Cruella de Fag, you know?
Being a slave to my father before he died.
You would have loved each other.
He...
He thought Archie Bunker
was a flaming liberal.
You know, every morning
she would get up and fix him breakfast.
And... every morning, for 30 years
she said
Hi, Daddy. Do you love me?
No answer.
Every morning, 30 years.
Hi, Daddy. Do you love me? No answer.
One day, my ma says
Hi, Daddy. Do you love me?
And...
he said no.
The moral of that story is so...
If you haven't gotten an answer in
30 years, you ought to know it by now.
Thanks for the drink.
You're welcome.
See you tomorrow.
Thank you for staying.
Sorry about your mother.
Thanks.
You 're right, Walt.
Honey, I just want you
to know that you're right.
You know, Im
I'm not an artist, you know.
I'm not some... female impressionist.
I'm a...
I'm lonely...
and I'm ugly...
and I'm a drag queen.
Now look who's feeling
sorry for themselves.
Where have you been?
Sonny, don't.
You says if I come here last night
you'll have the fuckin' money
Not now! I didn't have the money!
I was somewhere else!
Where's the fuckin' money?
Come on, man. Take it easy.
Who the fuck is this?
- Let go! I'll get the money.
- Get my money.
Let go of him. I'll give you the money.
Walt, just get in the room. He's not
gonna let you go. Just walk in the room.
I'm tired of coming here for nothing.
Five minutes. OK?
If you fuck around, I'm telling you
I'm gonna fuckin' smack you.
You look really good today, all right?
All right, honey.
Fuck you, you cocksucker!
Don't you fuckin' lock this door!
Motherfucker!
Don't you lock that door!
No! Not the fuckin' door again!
Rusty! You wanna fuck around
let's fuck around.
Open the fuckin' door!
I need that money, man!
Steel plate. Don't worry.
I don't know if I did it to keep out
burglars or Sonny when he gets like this.
Go home and beat up wifey
before I call the cops, you fucker!
All right, fuck you! You just fucked up.
I'm comin' back every fuckin' night.
You don't pay me, I'll take a fuckin'
scissor to every fuckin' wig you got here!
Motherfucker!
So that's your... your boyfriend?
He's not always like this.
He's got this Italian Catholic
guilt and shame thing
because he loves me so much.
We're... we're working it out.
This won't happen once I have...
my operation to be all woman, you know?
That's why I work teaching and sewing
saving up for the day that I...
become a real woman.
You 're gonna become
one of those he-she freaks?
All she.
After the...
hormone shots and the operation.
You're gonna cut off
your dick and balls?
Snip, snip, sweetheart.
How could a man cut off his dick
and balls? Why would you do that?
Because
I'm a woman trapped
in a man's body, honey.
You 're no woman.
I'm just not your idea of a woman, Walt.
You 're nobody's idea of a woman.
I'm my idea.
Maybe I can under understand if if
you wanted to be a woman, but...
I don't understand a man
wanting to be an ugly woman.
Open up! We ain't got all day! Come on!
Walt! We didn't think
you would come to Vinnie's house
so we brought the party to you!
- We missed you.
- Let's go! Let's go!
Hey, you guys.
Is Waldo back here or what?
Waldo Koontz is back.
The man's a true hero.
I'll never forget that day
in that bank 14 years ago.
I heard it 43 times. I heard it.
I don't wanna hear it again.
All right, I won't say it!
Whatever happened to the other guy? You
know, the other guard, Joe? Is he retired?
No, no. He got a great job in
Southeast Asia, something like that.
He was a smart guy.
Right.
Walt. I hear you're thick with the
she he's... or should I say long and thick?
I'm taking speech therapy
cos it's in the building.
It's in the building, fuckhead!
Yeah, Mike. And he's doing great.
He is.
I never thought I'd see Walt The Wall
Koontz hangin' out with drag queens.
Will you shut the fuck up?
It's better than lookin' at you.
I'll get it.
- Paulle, are you out?
- Yes, Im out.
It's you and I, Vinnie.
Are we playing cards? We're out, huh?
Fellas, you remember Tia
from the dance club?
Walt, you remember Tia, right?
Jesus, you know what?
We should go. Look at the time.
We should get outta here.
Fix the chips out later. Come on.
Hey, Tia.
You're a real girl, aren't you?
Will you shut the fuck up?
Don't pay any attention to him.
He's brain damaged from birth.
Hey, Walt... Get your skinny ass o...
I'll see you next Saturday
all right? My house. OK?
How you doin'?
OK.
This is for you.
I can put them in some water for you.
Just show me where the stuff is.
I got it.
It's OK.
No, I'll do it.
I know how much you like
the tango so much, so...
I made a tape of those songs
that you like the most.
The quality's not that great but...
you get the idea.
Thanks for the... the tape.
Nice. Nice. Nice.
Well...
Well, you never aksed me to dance, so...
now I can aks you.
No, I... I...
It's OK.
I don't have any money.
Who said anything about money?
Wait. Wait. I get it.
What?
Tommy paid you.
He feels sorry for me. Didn't he?
You feel sorry for me
I feel sorry for you?
No problem.
I never felt sorry for you, Walt, until now.
Take it easy, Walt.
Oh, go, girl. Go, girl. Go, girl. Go, girl.
All right! All right, sweetheart.
Very good, honey. Very good.
Good song you picked. Good.
What's next?
Honey, I think that's it.
You've graduated.
I thought you were gonna do
some songs, some stuff to learn? Huh?
Honey, I would love to keep
taking your money.
But you're doing.
You 're doing really well, you know?
And I made you a bunch of tapes.
And you can go practise them.
Why don't you come by tomorrow at five
and you can pick 'em up, OK?
OK.
OK.
Thanks for meeting with us.
We've been discussing
this year's Gay Pride parade.
And we felt that it would be important...
well, a good idea, to show a united front.
Synthesis, I believe.
Right.
Synthesis!
We felt, as gay Republicans
we thought it would be a really good
idea if we could all come together
and show the world our likenesses
not our differences.
To celebrate the...
Synthesis.
Right, synthesis. Synthesis.
You 're very good You a re
Sorry, go ahead.
We... We could march together
as a united brotherhood.
What about the sisterhood?
We march on foot. No floats.
You think if you have no loats we won't
do drag cos we can't march in heels.
Well, let me tell you something, honey.
We can march to Lake Titicaca
and back in stilettos. So don't.
Hey, let's just calm down, men.
Aren't you guys the same group that
raised a shitload of money for Bob
Dole's campaign, and he sent it back?
He would have lost support
of the Christian Right...
Exactly. Cos you're gay.
You 're gay, so he sent it back.
Aren't you ashamed?
You are right. We are different...
but not in the way that you mean.
We're different because you are ashamed
of us, and we are not ashamed of you.
As long as you get down on those Banana
Republican knees and suck dick, honey
you're all my sisters.
And I love you. I do.
God bless you... and fuck off.
Ma?
Ma?
Ma?
Oh, my... Oh, my God.
Jacko... Jacko.
Mr. Z I didn't expect
Where's my mother?
Leonard. Haven't I
always been good to you?
Good to me? You've always
been g-good to me, Mr. Z.
Didn't I help you get the mortgage
on this place for your mother?
You 're a saint, Mr. Z.
I kind of treated you like a pet, didn't I?
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Sit down, Leonard.
We searched every step of Raymond's
route 5500 times and still no money.
Mr. Z, don't you remember
that I was the one that tipped you off?
Mmn-hmn. And we searched every square
inch of that asswipe leabag motel.
- And still no money.
- Mr., Z, please!
I swear to you. I swear on my mother.
I swear on my mother!
Oh, your mother.
She said she didn't know anything either.
Even after we took her glasses.
Monmy.
And her hearing aid.
And her teeth.
Mommy.
Mommy.
And her little bird.
Lucia no.
Now, in exactly 20 minutes, Vance
is gonna deliver your mother here.
Don't worry about her.
I told him to soothe her with milkshakes
and whatever the fuck else
she could gum down at the drive thru.
Now, if... and this is a big if', Leonard
if you are telling the truth
then someone in that hotel got my money.
I don't have it. I don't have it.
I don't have it.
If you're a good dog
you'll fetch and retrieve it for me.
If you don't...
I can only come to one conclusion.
Leonard, if you spend one dime
that looks suspicious
next time, you won't be
swearing on your mother.
You'll be swearing on her grave.
Who is it?
It's Walt.
Oh, honey, come on in. The door's open.
Surprise!
Come on in the house.
Come on. Surprise.
Happy graduation! Happy graduation!
Happy graduation!
Yeah, sing it up!
Happy graduation! Happy graduation!
Wanna dance?
I'd love to. But I should go.
Bye, honey. Take care o f yourself.
Mr. My Left Foot.
This is the movie I was talking about.
My Left Foot. This is for you to keep.
It's very inspirational
Do you like my cufflinks?
And they really shoot BBs.
If you like this, I can get you another one.
It's called The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Have you heard of it before?
It's my favourite.
It's about this guy who's really
misshapen. Even worse than you.
And he falls in love with this beautiful
fiery, wild, gypsy girl called Esmerelda.
She kinda looks like me.
Let's dance!
Oh, God. My tits are falling down.
Here, you wanna see 'em?
Here's what it is.
Hello! Pizza, everyone!
All right!
Carmine, Carmine! Let me pay for them.
We got 'em. I got one, and Carmine
and his folks are getting the other.
Hi, Carmine.
I have to get goin'. My father's waitin'.
A lot of work to do.
Carmine, why don't you have a drink?
Come on, have a drink.
Let me touch you r chest.
Girls, take him down! Take him down!
No. You first.
My popper, good popper
Give me a kiss, honey.
She's sweet, right?
God, how old is she?
She's a Leo.
I asked how old she was.
I... You know, I don't know.
I met her when
she was wearing a uniform.
Oh, yeah? What kind of uniform?
You know, that school outfit or whatever.
What school?
The little Catholic place down the street.
Junior high? High school?
You know, yeah. You know.
Take it off! Look at that. Oh, my God!
Look at his stomach, Jesus Christ!
Goddamn, Carmine!
I sent you an hour ago! Come on!
- Let him stay!
- Hey!
Leave the guy alone. Leave him alone
Carmine, I love you!
Oh, my God. She shot me.
Oh, my God. I'm scarred!
And the big contest is tomorrow night.
It was an accident. I'm sorry.
- I told you not to wear those guns.
- Look, you 're so stupid!
Oh, Rusty. I shot my best friend in
the tit with my cufflink. I didn't mean it.
You know
I never would have believed that we
could have gotten through this together.
I mean, I can't believe that I could.
I mean, that I could...
you know, actually be of some
kind of help to someone like you.
You know, the big hero and all
you know?
I'm no big hero. I'm...
I'm scared.
I need a drink.
Well, what could you be scared of?
What's the worst fear?
That you'll fall on the street?
Someone'll make fun of you?
I mean, what?
I'm... I'm afraid that women won't
want to sleep with me any more.
Well, guess what?
Some of them won't.
So you'll just have to find
the ones that will, Walt.
And just remember
this is who you are, Waldo.
You 're Walt "the Wall" Koontz,
a true hero.
Who's the little guy?
Joe.
Joe.
Joe and me were friends for years.
Best friends.
He really wanted to better himself.
I really admired him.
He went to school
nights and on weekends...
to learn computers.
Got a...
big job in Asia with computers.
I drove him to the airport...
and off Joe went to Asia.
Two days later, the bank...
has $200.000 missing.
Oh. Oh, Christ.
Somehow done from
the inside with computers.
Nobody ever heard from Joe again.
I drove Joe to the airport.
Got used by my best friend.
I never told anybody that.
Some hero, huh?
Well...
Since it's confession night...
at Our Lady of Perpetual Disco
I'm gonna tell you something
that I've never told anyone.
I've got...
Mr. Z's money.
I got here right when you were being
rushed to the hospital, you know.
And when the cops left, I went up.
Cos Amber had given me her key and told
me where she had always hid her money.
She always had some money
set aside for her funeral
cos she always knew that she was
gonna die young. And of course, she did.
Poor baby.
So, where is it?
Right in here, honey
where Momma always knows where it is.
Right here in hips, ass
and titty city, sweetheart.
It's gonna pay for my operation.
And when I come back
you know, a new woman
I'm gonna give Amber a funeral
and a monument
and an eternal flame, honey.
Just like Princess Diana.
Wait a minute. You said that...
You said that you needed
the money from the lessons, right?
But if I was your your cover?
So all the sewing jobs
the crying poor
the... my lessons
that was all that was all so that
Leonard would not suspect you?
Wait a minute, honey.
I mean, you...
You used me cos of my condition.
Excuse me!
Check your playbill, Judge Ito.
You came to me.
That's cos I needed help.
And you used me.
Truth, baby?
You wanna play fucking truth?
You needed someone you weren't
ashamed to be crippled in front of.
All right? Someone you
thought was so beneath you.
A worse freak so you could feel superior
and still be the big fucking man.
At least...
At least I'm a real man.
Everybody, including Wolf
fucking Blitzer on CN N
knows you don't think
I'm a real man, honey.
All right, what? Cos I don't... What?
Shit in the woods? I don't shoot guns?
You know? Let me tell
you something, baby.
It takes a shitload more courage
to wake up and face my life
than anything you've ever
fuckin' dreamed of, all right?
You couldn't handle real adversity, honey.
That's the truth.
Truth? You want fuckin' truth?
You 're never gonna be a woman.
You're an ugly fat faggot. There's truth.
You're an ugly fuckin' fat faggot.
I am more man than you will ever be
and more woman than you will ever get.
- You wish!
- Yeah, I do wish! All right, honey?
And while the hate was pouring
out of you, you didn't stutter.
Now haul your sorry, crippled ass
out of my house. Move it, gimpy.
Watch your mouth!
Or you'll beat the shit out of me?
You r days of beating the shit are over!
Face it, Waldo, your hero days are over.
And you're a fuckin' faggot.
I may be a female impersonator, but you
my friend, are a male impersonator!
Fuck you!
Yeah, life's a bitch so I became one!
Oh, my God. Look who's here, Sal.
We gotta say hello.
Hey, Walt. How you doin'?
Hey, Tommy.
It's good to see you, man.
Welcome back.
That's OK.
I'm goin' over there.
We'll talk to you.
Right.
Hey, Walter.
How are you?
OK.
I've really missed you.
Well, thanks.
Mmm, flowers. For me?
Not exactly.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Hi.
I brought you some flowers.
Thanks.
You don't wanna dance?
This fuckin' cunt did not deserve to win!
She's not a true fuckin' beauty!
This contest is fixed!
Hey, tell your stories walking, girls!
This group this way. You girls that way!
This is what gives
drag queens a bad name.
You two are banned
from the contest next year.
- Maybe so, hefty.
- Yeah. You 're old and Im young
and I'm gonna live
to piss on your fuckin' grave.
Hello, buzzard!
This was the first time I...
since this... happened.
I was real nervous.
But you were great.
You were great.
You were? I was nervous.
You just need to be around somebody.
I don't know, that... that likes you...
just the way you are.
Somebody else said that to me.
Said Some girls won't like you like this.
"You gotta find the one that will".
Yeah, well, they didn't bullshit you
They told you the truth
whoever it was.
She must be a real good friend, huh?
Why do you say she?
I don't know. It sounds like
something a woman would say.
Why? Was it a man?
Well, not... not exactly.
Well, whatever. Whoever it was...
sounds like a good friend.
Good evening, Mr. Koontz. If you hear
anything in the building later tonight...
- Like what?
- Anything at all.
Just ignore it. Pretend it's not happening.
Do you know the phrase
Two closed ears, one closed mouth?
That's my motto and I follow it. To hear
nothing, to see nothing, to speak nothing.
I... I don't care
what goes on in this rat trap.
Who are you kiddin'? You've got
the biggest ears, the biggest nose
and the biggest mouth
of anybody I ever met
which makes you the biggest asshole.
Ooh, my wig!
Is everyone dry? All right, girls.
Good night.
Good night, Mama.
I love you. We're starting
on all new songs next week.
Hey, why don't we go upstairs
and show Mr. My Left Foot that we won?
Walt is history, honey.
He doesn't like us any more. I love you.
Bu t I still like him.
Taxi! Hey!
What the fuckin'...
So it's that kind of party, is it?
Where's my money?
Honey, this is where I came in.
Do I look like someone
who's got your money?
This looks like you got my money.
$25.000 deposit for an operation.
I earned that money.
$35.000 for a complete series
of female hormone therapy.
$25.000 for extensive
psychological testing before therapy.
Another $40.000 due.
You know, it costs a lot
to look like a woman.
Too expensive to look this cheap.
Fucker.
Death is cheap... fucker!
Just give me my money.
Understand that? Give me my money
and we're not gonna hurt you.
Give us the money. Give us the money.
Give it up, you bitch!
No!
You shot him! Fuckers!
Let him go! Let him go!
- Why should I?
- Let him go and I'll give you the money.
Rusty, don't do it! Don't do it!
Fuckin' bitch! Faggot!
Don't kill that bitch till I get my money.
OK, hero boy. On a count of three
no money, no rest of your life.
Sound fair?
OK.
It's in the bedroom.
Show me, you gimp fuck!
Come on, show me!
Where's the secret... Fuck!
Son of a bitch!
Fuck you!
Come on, you fuck!
Quit your fuckin' snivellin'.
Gotta knock that fucker down!
Knock that fucker down!
You motherfucker, you!
Where's the fuckin' phone?
Come on, motherfucker!
Stop! Stop!
She's got the gun.
Catch that cunt! Go!
Mrs. Spivak!
Call the cops! Call the cops!
Go away, or I'll call the police!
You ain't goin' nowhere,
you fuckin' gimp fuck!
Grace Kelly. Rear Window, honey.
All right.
Where you at, motherfucker?
You won't fuckin' get away, man!
Oh, God.
Fucker!
All right, girl.
Linda Hamilton.
Terminator... 2.
My money.
You clever bitch.
Stickin' my money
in your fuckin' ugly girdle.
Hold it.
Put down the gun, before your girlfriend
here gets a chance to blow Liberace.
Put it down.
Now put it down.
Put it down!
Thataboy.
Now, why don't you slide it over here?
Waldo Koontz and Russell Zimmerman.
Can you confirm it was self defense?
Yes. Self defense.
They were criminals. They were animals.
Brutes. They killed my mother's canary.
What?
They killed my mother's canary.
I called the police. Do I get a reward?
Now, the name's Ivana. I V A N A.
- Last name?
- Man.
lvana Man!
I knew that something was gonna happen.
Hi, Mom!
I won Miss Flawless for the third time.
Careful!
It's a shoulder wound. He'll be fine.
Oh! Mr. My Left Foot!
I'm sorry. Relatives only.
I'm his sister.
He's my sister.
Thank you.
All right!
I'll visit you. Bye, Rusty!
Community Hospital downtown? You got
medical insurance? How you gonna pay?
Cash, honey. New York Hospital, and I
want the best team of surgeons available.
You heard me, Nurse Ratched!
Burn rubber, girl. We're goin' uptown.
Lucky you didn't cut your balls off yet.
Come on! Come on, girls!
You tried to kill my sister!
Mr. Z means Mr. Zero!
Get off of me! Police brutality!
We've got witnesses!
Watch my crown! Watch my crown!
Is there... Is there any way of dropping the
jaw any more than you're doing it now?
It's just... OK.
I'm just...
You've had more practice than I have.
No, I know. I'm sorry.
So let's go with...
I have this.
No, I know. I was just...
It's just... OK. All right.
Let's go to Nick, then, all right?
How you doin' today, anyway?
You feeling good?
OK.
I feel great today. Feel great today. OK.
What's another name that we could do?
Nick?
All right. Nick.
Let's think of something better.
- Prick?
- All right. Let's do "prick".
Prick! All right, here we go.
Your song.
All right... my song!
All right, let's do bastard next.
Here we go. All right
we'll do prick, all right. For me.
My song! All right!
All right.
We're gonna do bastard. Here we go.
I can't even wrap
my mouth around that one.
Am I blushing?
Let's do "queen".
Right at the end here, you go like this...
I like that.
Just looking for names on the piano here.
Chuck.
Yeah, Chuck. Let's do Chuck.
Ready?
What the fuck, Chuck?
Let's do "pussy".
You like pussy?
Yeah, you like pussy. I know you do.