Fletch (1985) Movie Script
My name is Irwin Fletcher.
I'm an investigative reporter
for a Los Angeles paper.
You've probably read my stuff
under the byline of Jane Doe.
What the hey,
it's better than Irwin.
The last three weeks,
I've been loitering
around the beach
trying to pass
for an amiable
minor league junkie.
I don't nod out or drool,
that's too obvious.
Act like you don't give a crap
and you fit right in.
(WHISTLES)
Business has really
picked up, huh?
I'm still closed.
What is it,
a Colombian national holiday?
Yeah.
So what do you figure, Sam?
No idea.
No idea at all?
Some idea.
Like when?
When it comes,
it comes.
I got some reds.
You don't mean communists,
do you, Sam?
Is everything a joke
to you, Fletch?
Everything, Sam.
Hey, Gummy!
Hey, Fletch.
Hey, Sam.
How's the eye?
Guess it's okay.
The cops did it.
They always
beating up on me.
He doesn't know.
Son of a bitch!
That's what he said.
He doesn't know?
How come he doesn't know?
I don't know how come
he doesn't know.
He just doesn't know.
Son of a bitch!
I wonder
how he gets the stuff.
I have no idea.
Never leaves the beach,
that Sam.
Never leaves.
He sits in that chair.
He's out of shit.
Suddenly he gets up,
he's got shit.
So where's it coming from?
The sand?
I think that's
highly unlikely, Crease.
I ought to get some sleep.
Crease, how old are you?
Nineteen.
You're not taking
very good care of yourself.
FLETCH: In case you
haven't guessed yet,
there's been a lot
of drug traffic on the beach.
And I'm not talking about
Robitussin and No Doz.
I'm talking about
the hard stuff.
And a lot of it.
I've been trying to find out
who's behind it.
It hasn't been easy.
I don't shower much.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
I have something
I'd like to discuss
with you.
What's that?
We can't talk
about it here.
Why not?
Because we can't.
Are you on a scavenger hunt,
or did I just forget to pay
my dinner check?
I mean,
I'd be happy to pay it...
I want you
to come to my house
and then we'll talk.
You got the wrong gal, fella.
I'll give you $1,000 cash.
What?
Just come to my house
and listen to the proposition.
If you reject the proposition,
you keep the $1,000,
and your mouth shut.
Does this proposition
entail my dressing up
as Little Bo Peep?
It's nothing
of a sexual nature,
I assure you.
Yeah, I assure you.
$1,000 just to listen?
I don't see
how you can pass
that up, Mr...
Nugent. Ted Nugent.
Alan Stanwyk.
Alan, charmed.
For an extra grand,
I'll let you take me out
to dinner.
What a coincidence.
What?
I came this close
to buying this place.
Then I found out
Hopalong Cassidy
killed himself here.
Blew it for me.
Who?
Hopalong Cassidy.
Bow and arrow.
Very weird.
What? Are you doped up now?
Don't talk to me
like that, ass face.
I don't work for you, yet.
(GREETING IN SPANISH)
Pup 'N' Taco.
Oh, you've remodeled
the garage.
Must have cost you hundreds.
That's a good idea.
I oughta frame mine.
Will the Pope be in later?
Here's my proposition.
I'm all ears.
I want you to murder me.
Here,
on Thursday.
I'd like you
to shoot me dead.
And the reason I ask you
to do me this service
is because I'm already
facing a very long,
painful and
most certain death.
You see,
I have bone cancer.
And I don't know if you know
anything about bone cancer,
Mr. Nugent.
It's the worst kind
you can get.
It just eats you up
bit by bit.
You don't look sick,
Mr. Stanwyk.
I don't feel sick. Not yet.
They tell me
it'll start getting bad
in about a month.
After that,
I'd rather not be
around for it.
Why don't you try suicide?
Believe me,
I've thought about it.
But my company's
taken out a very large
life insurance policy on me.
Suicide would nullify
my insurance,
but murder does not.
Why me?
You're a drifter,
pardon the expression,
a junkie.
Nobody would notice
if you just disappeared.
You see,
I've been watching you
for a couple of weeks.
Maybe I'm just on vacation.
Not with the scum
you hang out with. No.
No, I've watched
and I've thought.
It's rather
an elegant little plan.
I even have your escape
figured out for you.
Swell.
Has it ever occurred to you
I might not want
to murder you, Stanwyk?
I've got $50,000
says you will.
$50,000.
And a guarantee
you won't get caught.
I'm still here.
I want it done
Thursday evening
around 8:00 p.m.
My wife will be
at her club function,
and it's the staff's
night off.
These will be open.
Wouldn't they normally
be locked?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
The staff usually forget.
Oh, yeah.
I have the same trouble
with my help.
I'll be here in the room
waiting for you.
The safe will be open.
There will be $50,000 in it.
You'll be wearing
rubber gloves.
Do you own rubber gloves?
I rent them.
I have a lease
with an option to buy.
Now, in this drawer...
A.357 Magnum.
My.357. You use it.
No one can trace it to you.
Of course the room will be
in some disarray.
You want it to look
like a burglary attempt?
You come in and catch me,
I'm stealing your ties
and money?
We scuffle.
And the gun gets loose,
and I shoot you
right between the eyes.
Precisely.
Are you a good shot?
Yeah, I'm all right.
Well, get me
on the first shot,
if you can.
Do you have a passport?
I could probably dig one up.
Good.
Now, after you kill me,
take the Jaguar.
The keys will be
in the glove compartment.
Take it where?
LAX.
Go to the Pan Am desk.
There will be a ticket
waiting for you.
Where am I going?
Rio.
It departs at 11:00 p.m.
They serve dinner
on the flight?
And a movie and free drinks.
I'd recommend
staying down there
for at least a year.
So?
So.
You've certainly thought
this out.
I'm not someone
who leaves a great deal
to chance.
Those will be open?
Now don't worry about that.
Just take care of the gloves,
the passport and the aim.
I'll take care
of everything else.
The gun, the money,
the tickets
and the dying.
That's right.
Looks like you get
the hard part.
What do you say?
You'll be doing me
and my family a great service.
Will you kill me?
Sure.
Hey! Good to see you.
Hey, Slouch, how are you?
Hey, check out the Beach Boy!
Larry?
Yo.
Can I steal you
for a minute?
Only if you promise
not to return me.
It's a deal.
Magic today, huh?
Yeah, Kareem's in the wash.
I need a favor.
Shoot.
Fletch!
Did you hear something?
Not me.
Me neither. Let's see
what we have on a guy
named Alan Stanwyk
in Beverly Hills.
I need this right away.
I take it by
your presence here
that the story's done.
It's W-Y-K, okay?
I'll be right down.
Tell me I'm right.
Excuse us.
You are right, Frank,
but you're very peaked.
You wanna throw up?
Come on in. Vomit...
I want an answer!
The story's done, right?
Almost.
Almost,
is not an answer.
"Yes, Frank.
The story's all done."
That's an answer.
And a damn fine answer,
if I do say so my damn self.
Thank you.
Irwin, professional journalism
time now.
Two points.
Go back to the beach...
Don't say "Irwin."
...and finish the damn story!
Rubber gloves.
Hey, Frank, I will.
I swear.
Frank, something else
came up. Okay?
No. It's not okay.
You've got a deadline
tomorrow.
Did you see the ad
we ran Sunday?
I don't read the paper.
What's the spread
on the game...
What's the spread
on the game tonight?
Anybody know?
MAN: Lakers by six.
Take a look.
"Drugs on our beaches,
shame of the city."
"Shame of the city."
That's very nice.
Now, try to follow me on this.
You can't run the ad
and then not run the story.
You can't? Why not?
Shit. Really?
Frank, I'm just
putting you on.
You'll get the story
and be very proud of it.
You broke it?
You know the source?
Practically.
Well, what's practically?
Is it this guy Fat Sam?
You said you had pictures
of him.
I do have pictures
of him dealing.
Well, let's go.
We'll run the pictures.
You can't do that, Frank.
Fat Sam isn't the story.
There's a source behind him.
Who?
Well, there we're in
a kind of a gray area.
All right, how gray?
Charcoal.
May I help you with that?
FLETCH: Okay.
A little lighter.
Little lighter.
Okay. Can you go higher?
That's good.
Over to the right.
Higher. Higher. Perfect.
Perfect. Nice and hard.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, that's good.
Thank you.
That it?
Perfect.
Everything's recent.
Well.
Let me see that.
"Alan Stanwyk,
"commercial airline pilot
from Provo, Utah."
"Formerly a test pilot,
member of the Jaycees."
Should we move on?
Yeah.
Married Boyd Aviation.
He's no dummy.
That's big bucks.
"Mr. Stanwyk's parents,
Marvin and Velma, of Provo,
"were unable to attend
the wedding."
Those are three names I enjoy,
Marvin, Velma and Provo.
Hold it there.
That's good.
Cancer.
"Cancer Society Benefit."
"Internist
Dr. Joseph Dolan."
"With internist
Dr. Joseph Dolan."
I wonder
if that's his doctor.
One way to find out.
Yeah. There is one way
to find out.
So where do you know
Alan from?
We play tennis at the club.
Really?
California Racquet Club?
Right.
That's my club, too.
Oh.
I don't remember
seeing you there.
Well, I haven't been playing
for a while because of
these kidney pains.
Right.
Now, how long have you had
these pains, Mr. Barber?
No, that's Babar.
Two "B's"?
One "B." B-A-B-A-R.
That's two.
Yeah, but not right next
to each other. I thought
that's what you meant.
Arnold Babar.
Isn't there a children's book
about an elephant
named Babar?
I don't know.
I don't have any.
No children?
No elephant books.
Open wide.
Say, "Ah."
You know,
it's an odd name.
I don't recall having seen it
on the club registry.
Well, I don't formally belong.
I'm a guest of my aunt's.
Your aunt?
Right. Mrs. Smith.
Joan or Margaret?
Right.
Well, which one?
Margaret.
Funny old bird.
Yeah.
Is she ever.
I could tell you some stories.
I bet.
You know,
it's a shame about Ed.
Oh, it was.
That was really a shame.
To go so suddenly like that.
He was dying for years.
Sure.
But the end was
very, very sudden.
He was in intensive care
for eight weeks.
But I mean the very end,
when he actually died.
That was extremely sudden.
You know, Alan and I
were recently speaking
of dying.
He told me Boyd Aviation
took out a large
insurance policy on him.
You've got to be
in some kind of perfect shape
to get that sort of a policy,
I bet.
Drop your shorts
and bend over, Mr. Babar.
Oh, no, really.
We don't need to. I...
We don't want to do that.
You know, my kidneys
feel a lot better
in this position.
Maybe it's just
that I'm not doing
any calisthenics.
You know, if I did sit-ups
in the morning
or bent over like this,
I'd probably feel 100%...
(SINGING)
Moon river
Phew!
Thank you, Doc.
You ever serve time?
DOLAN: Breathe easy.
Breathe easy.
You know, I was surprised
that Alan was able to
get that policy.
I know there's a history
of cancer in the family.
There is?
Yeah.
As a matter of fact...
(GRUNTS) You using
the whole fist, Doc?
Just relax.
Yeah, I saw Alan
the other day.
He was looking
a little peaked.
I don't know.
I think he's lost weight.
Are you sure
he's all right?
I can't discuss
another patient.
You know that.
Well, I don't find anything
wrong with you.
Well. I'm sure it's not
for a lack of looking.
FLETCH: 12:00 noon.
I was anxious to get back
to my drug story.
But since Dr. Jellyfinger
wasn't talking,
I just had to find out
a little more about
Stanwyk's health.
May I help you, Dr...
Oh, it's me,
Dr. Rosenpenis.
Doctor who?
I'm just here to check
Alan Stanwyk's file.
Dr. Rosenrosen.
I'm here to...
Could you give
that name again? I...
It's Dr. Rosenhite. I...
I want to check
the records room.
Doctor who?
Dr. Rosen.
Where's the record room?
Next to Pathology.
Would you do me
a favor and take care
of these things?
I'd like to check
Alan Stanwyk's file.
What the hell's happening?
Where the hell's
the records room?
Next to Pathology, B1.
I can't hear you. What?
B1.
Could you just collate
these for me? Where did you
say that was?
B1.
B1. Thank you very much.
You can take the elevator.
Thank you very much.
Hey, you. Give me a hand
for a second,
will you, Doctor?
Me?
Come on! Come on!
(LOUD WHIRRING)
Yeah.
Have you ever seen
a spleen that large?
No, not since breakfast.
Here. Hold this.
Listen, I'm not really
prepared for this.
I haven't sterilized my hands.
You're not gonna
make this guy any sicker.
(LOUD WHIRRING)
I'll get it.
I don't feel good.
(EXCLAIMING)
Boy, you never get used
to the smell, do you?
(THUDDING)
Oh, Doctor.
Are you all right?
Where am I?
You're in the records room.
The records room?
Oh, I'm fine.
Can I get you something?
Do you have
The Beatles' White Album?
Never mind.
Just get me a glass
of hot fat.
And bring me the head
of Alfredo Garcia
while you're out there.
Well, Dr. Holmes
went to get you
some smelling salts.
He was quite surprised
that you fainted.
He was surprised?
I thought that body
was my dead brother.
Oh!
It's okay.
But that spleen was
a spitting image.
No, I guess I'm fine.
(GURGLING)
Nurse, I'm hyperventilating.
Would you get me
a paper bag, please?
Yes, right away.
Thank you.
(DOCTORS LAUGHING)
(METAL CLATTERING)
Here you are, Doctor.
Oh, thank you very much.
Is there anything particular
I can help you with?
No. Yes, there is,
actually. My...
One of my associates
was doing a biopsy
on this man.
Very recently, they said
he had a melanoma,
or a carcinoma,
some kind of a noma.
I don't know.
There's no record of it here.
Well, if he had one,
it would certainly
be in here.
Wait. Here it is.
"A surgical removal
of two moles.
"Tissue was benign."
Benign? There's no mention
of cancer here at all?
That's it?
That's it.
This is one month ago.
In other words, according to
this hospital, Alan Stanwyk
does not have cancer.
I guess not.
He'll be so relieved.
Thank you very much.
My pleasure.
Have a nice day.
(WHISTLING)
WOMAN: That sauce?
Have a bite.
Just a minute.
I'm not finished yet.
Sorry, Mr. Underhill.
Does that look
like I'm finished?
I guess not.
Now I'm finished.
Whatever you say,
Mr. Underhill.
I imagine
you're expecting
a nice gratuity, right?
Maybe next time.
Gail Stanwyk?
Yeah.
I haven't seen you
since the wedding.
You look great.
I do?
That's very sweet of you.
You know,
I have to confess
something to you,
I must've been pretty plowed
at your wedding.
I don't have any idea
who you are.
Not my wedding,
your wedding.
Oh, my wedding.
Thank God.
No. Doesn't really help me.
Are you a friend of Alan's?
Why, yes, we used to fly
together. I'm John.
Oh, John.
Oh, together.
No. John who?
John Cocktoastoy.
It's a beautiful name.
Well, it's Scotch-Rumanian.
That's an odd combination.
Yeah, well,
so were my parents.
Do you mind
if I practice some more?
I have to work
on my ground stroke.
You bet. Go ahead.
Excuse me, senor.
You are a member
of the club?
No, I'm not.
I'm with the Underhills.
They are left, senor.
That's all right.
They'll be back.
He went out
for his urinalysis.
Would you like
some drinks, senor,
while you wait?
I will put it
on the Underhills' bill.
Yes, very good.
I'll have a Bloody Mary,
and a steak sandwich,
and a steak sandwich, please.
Very good, senor.
Oh, hi.
So, how's Alan?
What are you asking me for?
He's been so busy lately,
I hardly see him.
He's been preoccupied.
With what?
I don't know.
Personal stuff.
Whoa! Look, I hit one.
Not bad. You know,
lobs are a very important
part of the game.
Sorry, sir.
Let me show you
a couple of things.
Here. Stand here for a sec.
Now look.
When the ball comes,
face the ball like this,
you see?
Yeah.
And then pivot your body,
and step in like that. Swing.
Step in with your left foot.
Just like this.
Okay?
Go ahead. Try one.
All right. Go ahead.
Get in that ready position.
Yeah.
And the ball's going
to come now. I want you
to pivot. Ready?
Yeah.
How many did you
put in the machine?
I thought I put a lot.
Well, that's it.
It's finished.
Good. Much better.
You know,
I must be having an off day.
I'm usually
a fabulous player.
Well, I have this effect
on a lot of women.
I bet you do.
You know, the reason
I was asking about Alan is
that I bumped into him
this morning and...
You know
what I can't figure out?
Alan's in Utah.
I can't figure out
what I was doing
in Utah this morning.
I'm very flattered,
but I'm also very married.
You are trying to hit on me,
aren't you?
How did you guess?
I'm such a heel.
I don't know
what came over me.
If I had a nickel
for every one
of Alan's flyboy buddies
who tried to pick me up,
I'd be a rich woman.
You are a rich woman.
See what I mean?
Who would have thought
the Vice President knew
I was opening the door.
But the Secret Service,
they...
Whack! And this blood, and...
Washington.
Sugar, Mr. Poon?
No, never, never.
Thank you.
Well, now,
let me reiterate
that this is not
a formal investigation.
That is, if Alan Stanwyk
isn't involved
in any improprieties...
Alan Stanwyk is not involved
in any improprieties.
I don't know where the SEC
comes off by even making
such an accusation.
Now, you know that,
and I know that
but somebody's bucking
for a promotion.
It's probably
that Pederast Hanrahan.
I don't know...
All I know is,
if I don't go back
with something
you and your son-in-law
are going to be
the scapegoats of the week.
Unbelievable.
This is unbelievable.
I mean, look at this.
They even want to know
what he's doing in Utah.
Utah? Oh, Jesus H. Christ
on a popsicle stick.
First of all,
Alan Stanwyk does not own
one single share of stock!
The $3 million for the ranch
in Provo was entirely provided
by my daughter
who converted some
of her personal holdings,
not corporate holdings.
Personal holdings.
So, if any of your DC boys
want to make something out
of that, bring them on.
Otherwise, you tell
your Commission to get
the hell out of my face.
God, I admire you.
Well,
consider this case closed.
Look at this,
it's even stopped bleeding.
Isn't that something?
My pleasure.
Well, thank you and good day.
Oh, by the way...
Yeah.
...what kind of a name
is Poon?
Comanche Indian. Goodbye.
Oh, Madeline, Frieda lost
the number for Alan's
realtor in Provo, Utah.
Could you get me that
real quick, please?
Jim Swarthout?
Yeah.
(WHISTLING)
I'm sorry,
who are you again?
I'm Frieda's boss.
Who's Frieda?
My secretary.
FLETCH: I knew my junkie pals
were awaiting my good cheer
on the beach
but I needed a second wind,
a beer and a wardrobe change.
As I pulled up to
my palatial imitation
apartment building,
I observed the familiar
red Oldsmobuick of
Mr. Arnold T. Pants, Esquire,
attorney for the former
Mrs. Irwin Fletcher.
Time to use
the service entrance.
Refusal to pay alimony is
a jailable offense, Fletch.
What about trespassing
and loitering?
I am neither loitering
nor trespassing.
I've simply chosen
an advisable location
to await my client's
delinquent husband.
Well, I don't like to discuss
business on the lanai.
Let's go inside.
Okay. If you're wearing
rubbers, leave them outside,
would you?
A little one-on-one?
He draws the foul.
You owe Wendy $918.
She doesn't need it.
She's been living
with somebody for months.
And I know it.
I don't know
what you're referring to.
Wendy maintains
her own residence.
This stinks.
I empathize
with your plight, Fletch.
However, you threw her out.
She was sleeping
with everybody.
You should have proved that
in a court of law.
My lawyer was a bum.
I agree.
I think she slept
with him, too.
You may be right.
Are you serious?
That's history, Fletch.
You owe us $918.
Hey!
I think our problems
may just be solved.
Ed McMahon.
I think I just won
a million bucks.
(CHUCKLING)
Yeah. "Irwin M. Fletcher,
you choose."
(HOOTING)
Oh, boy.
I lost again. Sorry.
This is no joke, Fletch.
If some kind of payment
isn't made,
I'm gonna have to
contact your paper,
garnish you your wages.
I can't have my wages
garnish-ied.
Tell you what.
Cash? I'm impressed.
I saw my pimp today.
(EXCLAIMS)
Open your raincoat.
Come on. Just once.
It's worth it.
That's $1,000.
You apply the difference
to next month, okay?
Now scram.
Till then.
Keep $10 for yourself.
Go out and get yourself
a nice piece of ass.
MAN ON TV: Ladies
and gentlemen, our guest is
the Most Valuable Player
of the National
Basketball Association,
six times.
From the Los Angeles Lakers,
the all-time scoring champion
of the NBA,
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
And he's coming off a game
that was second to none
in his brilliant career.
You gotta be proud.
KAREEM:
Oh, definitely, Chick.
It was a great effort.
But, you know,
I had a lot of help,
and we're just glad
to be here.
Hey, how about Fletch?
What can I say about Fletch?
He's been fantastic.
He boxes out for us,
gets the tough rebounds
and does the tough things
that we need to win.
It's great
working with him.
I don't know
where we'd be without him.
And let's take a look
at the play.
He is actually 6'5".
With the Afro, 6'9".
Pretty good dribbler.
Comes in deep.
His club is behind
by one point at this stage.
Fletch comes in,
puts the ball
through the legs!
What a great play!
And he puts it up and in!
And the Lakers
have the lead!
Oh, was that some kind
of a play!
You know, this gritty kid
from the streets of Harlem
really creates excitement.
$4 million a year,
that's true. But he earns
every nickel of it.
Look how he shakes off
four or five defenders
with ease.
Fletch, he truly defines
grace under pressure.
Lar, it's me.
Listen, see if you've got
anything on Stanwyk
from the time
he used to live in Utah.
Yeah. And also check out
a realtor in Provo.
His name is Swarthout.
(SIREN BLARING)
Shit!
FLETCH: What's going on?
Take off, Fletch! Hey!
CREASE:
What are you doing?
They're after Gummy again.
Come here.
Hey, slow down.
Fletch, this is dumb.
(GUMMY SCREAMING)
Come on, man!
Hey, what are you doing, man?
He's defenseless.
No, no, no!
Don't do that!
Get up!
What are you doing?
(FLETCH GRUNTING)
Fletch!
GUMMY:
Let me out of here!
MAN: Beat it, cop!
Hey, you're really nuts.
You okay?
Yeah. I feel like $100.
They didn't do anything.
What? What are you
talking about?
I busted their window,
and they didn't do anything.
You're lucky or something.
It's not luck.
They didn't want me.
They wanted Gummy.
The cops and Gummy...
Come on, Frank.
Relax, will you? I need
a little more time.
I could be on
to something here.
You're on to something?
Yeah.
Good. What?
I don't want to spoil
your surprise.
Read about it tomorrow.
What? What do you want?
Don't point. Speak!
I need Fletch for a second.
She needs me.
I got nothing on Utah
or Jim Swarthout.
I know, honey. We have to
put this on the back burner
right now.
Right here. That's good.
You wanna give me
just a little hint?
All right, Frank.
There just may be some cops
involved in all of this.
Did you say cops?
Yeah.
'Cause that's the one thing
I did find.
It's from last month,
so it was in
the unsorted pile.
What's this?
More cops.
Frank, I need to go to Utah.
Utah?
Yeah, Utah.
It's wedged in between
Wyoming and Nevada.
You've seen pictures.
What about finding
the source?
I have some ideas.
Come on, Frank.
Say "yes."
I'll buy you
some new deodorant.
Go to Transportation.
Get a ticket.
My hero.
Nothing to it.
(WOMAN ON RECORDER
PANTING)
WOMAN: You're not
recording this, are you?
FLETCH: No. Never. Never.
Question.
Question.
Why does a man
ask me to kill him
and lie about dying
when he isn't dying?
He asked me to kill him.
Question.
Gail Stanwyk converts
$3 million of her stocks
to buy the ranch house.
Why pay in cash?
(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Mr. Jim Swarthout?
My name is Igor Stravinsky.
And I'm calling about
some ranch property
I'd like to buy.
Good, Mr. Stravinsky,
what did you have in mind?
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, are you a friend
of Alan's?
Well, no, not exactly.
I was at the club,
and I overheard some people
talking about the property
you sold him.
And $3 million sounded
like a good price to me.
Oh, is that right?
Oh, well, in that case,
I have been very misinformed.
Excuse you? Yes.
Well, listen.
Say, I'd like to come out
and see you anyway.
Is that all right?
What's good for you?
Well, I'm about to close up
shop and go out
for the evening.
How about first thing
in the morning?
First thing in the morning.
Tomorrow. Bye.
Hello. Anybody home?
Hey there, fella,
what's your name?
Fluff? Fifi?
All right.
Bad dog.
(DOG GROWLING)
Sit.
(GROWLING)
(BARKING)
Stay.
Watch your dogs.
Boy, oh, shut it.
Come on. Smile.
Say, "Flesh."
Look, defenseless babies.
Fell for the oldest trick
in the book.
(SINGING)
Strangers in the night
Exchanging clothing
Strangers in my pants
MAN: Surprise!
What the hell's...
Move!
Police. Spread 'em!
Got a gun, creep?
Shamu's got one.
Borrow his.
What have we here?
That's my dick.
Oh, funny boy.
What have we here?
Looks like heroin, Gene.
Hey. You just planted that.
What'd you say?
You fellows wanna
read me my rights?
You have the right
to remain silent.
Okay.
You have the right
to have your face kicked in
by me.
Nice.
You have the right
to have your balls stomped
by him.
I'll waive my rights.
OFFICER: All right, Gramps,
move it along.
What's the booking,
gentlemen?
Possession of narcotics.
And the chief wants
to talk to him.
Oh, yeah?
You'll like Chief Karlin.
He's a nice man.
Yeah, I hear he's mellowed out
a lot since he came out
of the closet.
You better take his picture
while he still has a face.
That hurts.
You've been hurting me.
Give him a buzz.
KARLIN: Come in.
Here he is, Chief.
Easy, fellas.
I'll be with you in a moment.
(SIGHING)
You decorate this place
yourself, or did
Mrs. Chief of Police help out?
So, what's your name?
Fletch.
Full name.
Fletch. F. Fletch.
I see.
And what do you do
for a living, Mr. Fletch?
I'm a shepherd.
Officers, could you excuse us
for a few moments?
Yeah. Why don't you guys
go down to the gym
and pump each other?
Why are you doing this,
Mr. Fletch?
I like men.
I like to be manhandled.
I like you.
For a gentleman
who was just found holding
a bagful of heroin...
That was planted on me.
We're looking at
five years here, maybe 10.
Now, is that what you want,
Jane Doe?
(CHUCKLING)
Your editor phoned me
to respond to allegations
you're about to print
concerning police involvement
in narcotics dealings.
Uh-uh.
I'm about to bust
that beach wide open.
And I don't need
some penny ante
Woodward and Bernstein
to come along
and get in the way of my men.
Well, your men may just be
involved in all of this.
I would think
that might interest you.
Idiot!
All right.
Strictly off the record, okay?
Yeah, okay.
I got that beach crawling
with undercover cops.
But if you come along
nosing around,
you're gonna make
the bad guys there
more cautious.
Makes my job harder.
And listen, if you print
your story this week,
it might get some
of my men killed.
And I can't have that,
Mr. Fletch.
You understand?
Yeah.
I understand.
Well, I got a deadline.
So the name's Karlin
with a "K," right?
Dipshit!
You go back
to that goddamn beach,
and you won't live
to regret it!
All right?
Hey, you and Tommy Lasorda.
Yeah.
I hate Tommy Lasorda.
FLETCH: Hey!
KARLIN: It's all right.
I'll take care of it now.
(SINGING)
Swing low, sweet chariot
I'll handle it from here.
Coming for to carry me home
Can't keep me here, Chief.
Maybe I'm not gonna
keep you in here.
Maybe I'm gonna blow
your brains out.
Well, now, I'm no lawyer
but I do believe that's
a violation of my rights.
After I shoot you,
I stick myself in the arm
with this knife
then I'll place the knife
in your dead hand.
(CHUCKLING)
Self-defense.
We don't do it much anymore,
but back in the old days...
You're serious.
Ask anybody.
Can I ask anybody now?
How about, can I call my mom,
tell her how much I love her?
I guess not.
I'm a newspaper reporter.
You don't just blow away
newspaper reporters.
It's kind of stupid,
isn't it?
What'll it be, Fletch?
Hey, I hate the beach
anyway, man.
This isn't even my story.
I've got a deadline
on my series on that off-track
betting in the Himalayas.
Smaller story, but I know
you've been following it.
I can tell
you have things
under control down there.
Your beach.
Come on out. Come on.
May I? Thank you.
FLETCH:
How could you call him?
What's the matter with you?
Fletch, I'm sorry.
Do you have any idea
know how close to death
I came?
Yeah, it's awful.
I mean, the guy had me
alone in a cell
with a gun at my head
and a knife in his hand!
He threatened
to kill me, Frank.
Jesus, that's a shame.
He would've blown me away.
Unbelievable.
You don't believe me,
do you?
Nope.
He thinks I made it up.
Unbelievable.
Fletch, I need an article
from you by tomorrow.
You believe me,
don't you?
Yes, I do.
I don't want any of these
unsubstantiated charges
about dope-dealing cops
or any of your horseshit
paranoid fantasies
about homicidal police chiefs.
Give me something
I can print!
Print this.
Me, too.
Hey, watch it.
You're on thin ice, Larry.
FLETCH: The time had come
to hang out at Boyd Aviation
to meet some of the guys
and to find out what
Stanwyk was doing
with that plane.
I splurged.
I invested 49 cents
in a set of novelty teeth.
Hey!
You the guy from Ajax?
Yeah, you bet.
All right.
I thought you were bringing
the eighth.
Yeah. They're on their way.
I'm the supervisor.
I don't carry the stuff.
Who's bringing them,
Freddie?
Yeah. Freddie.
MECHANIC: You were supposed
to have been here
over an hour ago, boy.
Well, traffic was murder.
You know, one of those
manure spreaders
jackknifed on the Santa Ana.
God awful mess.
You should see my shoes.
(EXCLAIMS)
Stanwyk's baby, huh?
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Looks well-used.
He's back and forth
to Utah every weekend.
Oh, is that right?
What is he, a Mormon?
(LAUGHING)
I don't think he's doing
a whole lot of singing
with the Tabernacle Choir.
(MECHANIC CHUCKLING)
These executives,
they live high.
Know what I mean?
I sure do.
That's a terrific wing.
I love this shape.
Hey, do us a favor, pal.
Name's Liddy.
Gordon Liddy.
Gord, take a look at
the seventh Fetzer valve,
will you?
I think it's been sticking.
Probably the humidity.
That's funny.
No, what I think
it is myself
is the bypass line.
It could be
the bypass line. Yeah.
Maybe I should take
a look at it.
Gordo?
Back here?
Don't tell me
my business, boy!
Just checking the luggage.
Somebody ought to
clean these windows.
There's a tremendous build-up
of gook all over them.
Look at that.
You use a lot of fuel
to go to Utah?
That's what I always
ask him.
Burns enough
to go to South America
and back.
South America and back.
Is that right?
Yeah.
But I always
kid him about it.
I say,
"What are you doing up there?
You doing some stunt flying
or something?"
What's he say?
Well, you know,
he don't say nothing.
He just gives me that look.
You know,
he's got that look.
Yeah, he don't say nothing.
He just gives him that look.
Well, sure.
He's the boss.
Here, let me take a crack
at this Fetzer here.
Gord.
Yeah, I know where it is.
I'm just getting
a bird's-eye view here and...
What do you think?
It's the bypass line, right?
I think
it's the bypass line.
Yeah.
I told you.
I'm gonna need some pliers
and a set of 30-weight
ball bearings.
What?
Yeah.
Tell you what.
I gotta go to my truck.
If Fred gets here
before I'm back,
you can tell him
to start without me.
What the hell do you need
ball bearings for?
Oh, come on, guys.
It's so simple.
Maybe you need
a refresher course.
Hey, it's all ball bearings
nowadays.
Now, you prepare
that Fetzer valve
with some 3-in-one oil
and some gauze pads.
And I'm gonna need
about 10 quarts of antifreeze,
preferably Prestone.
No, make that Quaker State.
And wash those windows.
They've got filth
and muck on them.
(GREETING IN SPANISH)
Oh, hi.
Where's Mrs. Stanwyk?
In her cabana, senor.
Oh, yeah. I'm supposed
to meet her in the cabana 6,
right?
Cabana 1.
One. Right.
You would like something
to eat or drink, senor?
Actually, I would.
Charge it
to the Underhills, senor?
Yeah. That's right.
Do you have any caviar?
Si, senor. Beluga.
But it is $80 a portion.
Well, I better just take
two portions of that.
How's the Lobster Thermidor?
I recommend it, senor.
Good. That'll be fine.
Bring two bottles
of Dom Perignon
to Cabana 1.
Very good, senor.
And put down $30
for yourself, huh?
(THANKING IN SPANISH)
This is the nicest place.
Who is it?
FLETCH: It's John.
John who?
It's John. John Levin...
I don't remember.
John Cocktoastin?
Yeah.
Hi.
Hi.
I was hoping
you'd say that.
I just got out of the shower.
Yeah. Can I borrow your towel
for a sec?
My car just hit
a water buffalo.
Nice place you have here.
I'm surprised to see you.
What are you doing here?
I ordered some lunch.
You ordered it here?
Well, I knew this is where
my mouth would be.
I really should change.
No, I think you should stay
the same wonderful person
you are today.
I mean put clothes on.
No, really,
make yourself comfortable.
Are you always
this forward?
Only with wet,
married women.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Your turn at the door!
Okay.
Very good, gentlemen.
Come right in.
There you go.
Right in this way.
Right in here.
That's good.
That's very nice.
Want I set up?
No, thank you.
I'll take care of it.
Give each other $20, okay?
Put it on Underhill.
(THANKING IN SPANISH)
(FLETCH SPEAKING
NONSENSICAL SPANISH)
Oh, this is beautiful.
(EXCLAIMS)
There we have it.
All this goes
on the Underhills' bill?
Yeah, well, I saved his life
during the war.
You were in the war?
No, he was.
I got him out.
Wow, I can't believe
I'm doing this.
This is great.
Let's eat.
Let's eat.
Your bill, senor.
Oh, thank you.
$400 for lunch?
Your guest, senor.
What guest?
We didn't have any guests
here today.
Two bottles of Dom Perignon?
$100 a pop!
Jesus H. Christ!
Where is he?
He is with Ms. Stanwyk.
Where's she?
Cabana 1.
Do you mind if I ask you
a question?
Depends on the question.
Want some more champagne?
Yes.
Are you still in love
with Alan?
No.
I mean, no,
you can't ask me
that question.
Ask me another one.
Why'd you let me in?
Because I'm bored.
If you're so bored,
why didn't you go to
Utah with Alan?
Well, Utah's not exactly
a cure for boredom.
That's a good point.
I mean,
I've never even been there.
I shouldn't say that.
What about his parents?
They live there.
He hasn't seen them for years
so I've never met them.
They don't get along well?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Mrs. Stanwyk.
Yes?
I'm sorry to disturb you.
It's Ted Underhill here.
Thanks for a great time.
I gotta get out of here.
Wait a minute.
What is this?
Someone of your acquaintance
has charged a $400 lunch
to my account.
John, you don't know
the Underhills?
I'd appreciate the opportunity
of discussing this matter
with you.
(IN HIGH-PITCH VOICE)
I'm just out of the shower.
Can you wait a minute?
I just have to wee-wee.
Yes, of course.
Why did you do it?
Well, I don't think
it would be fair for you
to pay the bill.
A $400 lunch tab?
That's what I mean.
It's outrageous, isn't it?
It's way over the line.
I'll cover it.
Wait, you can't go out
looking that.
He might spot you.
Hold on.
You look like
you're the same size as Alan.
Put this on.
Nice suit.
Just return it.
Any other surprises?
Yeah.
My name is not
John Cocktoastin.
And I wasn't at your wedding.
Who are you?
I'm Irwin Fletcher.
And I write a newspaper column
under the name of Jane Doe.
And it's not
the food section, Gail.
So?
So...
Your husband hired me
to kill him.
UNDERHILL: Mrs. Stanwyk!
Mrs. Stanwyk!
In a minute!
Enough surprises.
What the hell
are you talking about?
Sit down.
Your husband told me
he was dying of cancer.
Is that true?
No. It's not true.
That ranch property
you thought you were
buying in Utah?
Not true.
He's a bad guy, Gail.
He's involved in something
very big and very bad.
Do you know a guy
named Jim Swarthout?
Yeah.
Swarthout's the man
who sold us the ranch.
Wrong.
He sold you $3,000
worth of scrub brush.
No. I saw the deed.
You saw a forgery.
This is the real deed.
See, there's Swarthout's name.
Now, if this were
at all legible,
you'd see what I meant.
Look, here's the dog
that tried to bite me.
Here's the motel I stayed in,
there's my car.
The dog tried to bite that.
Here's the Mormon Tabernacle.
Stop it. Stop.
He's told me
a lot of things.
So far, not one of them
has been true.
I'm sorry to have to tell you
these things.
UNDERHILL: Mrs. Stanwyk!
Wait! Just wait a minute!
I'm gonna call my father.
He'll know...
No, you can't.
Gail, please. Look,
I know you don't know me
from a hole in the wall
but you've gotta trust me.
Just give me 24 hours.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
UNDERHILL:
Mrs. Stanwyk!
You a Laker fan?
No.
Yeah, I'm coming.
Just a minute!
I'll take you to a game.
Mrs. Stanwyk!
Sorry. Thanks. Bye.
Wait. What are you
talking about?
I'm talking about how much
I'd like to take you
to a Laker game.
If you need me,
call the paper.
What am I supposed to do
for the next 24 hours?
Act natural.
I was afraid
you'd say that.
Oh, Jesus.
What's he doing
with the Chief?
FLETCH: Seeing Bone Cancer
and Chief Karlin together
might lead to a Page 1 item.
But without any real evidence,
Frank wouldn't even print it
in the want ads.
I had to keep digging,
without a shovel.
(POLICE SIRENS BLARING)
Afternoon, Smog Patrol.
Had your emissions checked?
No, sir.
Fluorocarbons? Ozone?
No, sir.
Well, let's check it out.
What do you say?
Giddyup.
Smells pretty good.
(WOMAN CHATTERING
ON POLICE RADIO)
That's him.
Unit 12, in pursuit.
Why don't you catch
some shuteye?
Just lay back and enjoy.
(SCREAMING)
Try to breathe
through your nose.
(SIREN WAILING)
I always use a little
chewing gum on these rides.
It filters out
the pollutants.
Oh, shit!
Of course you've got
some good grillwork there.
Keep out the ozone.
I gotta get this thing
up to 95,
check out
the fluorocarbon output.
Don't worry about
the speed limit here.
That's why we've got
the police escort.
You a cop?
As far as you know.
Are you gonna take me
to jail for car theft?
Why, did you steal the car?
I sure did!
Well, I'm not even sure
that's a crime anymore.
There've been a lot of changes
in the law.
OFFICER ON LOUDSPEAKER:
Pull to the right and stop.
Pull over.
Hey, look out for that truck!
(SHOUTING)
Nothing,
it's just a little game
I play with my buddies.
Kind of a hide-and-seek
kind of a thing.
They love it.
What a day!
Must be a stage two right
about here.
Do a little slipstreaming
and...
Whoa! There's Fred!
Won't he be surprised!
KID: Shit!
OFFICER: Can't you hear me?
I said pull over...
(OFFICER SHOUTING)
Uh-oh.
You got a license?
I didn't bring it with me.
Do you have one?
No.
Pull over, buddy!
FLETCH: Hey, Freddie,
how's the herpes? It hurt?
Pull over!
I did pull over before.
I'll pull over later.
Pull over!
All right, that's it.
You can turn your bike in
at the next depot.
You're a disgrace
to the force!
(KID SCREAMING)
Get going. Get the door.
Congratulations.
You passed the test.
Raise your left hand, please.
My men will be right with you.
(HUMMING)
(SPEAKING NONSENSICAL SPANISH)
MAN: Thelma Noble,
Ellis Lee Hereford,
Lee Weaver and Harold Ausley.
I would like you
to meet our friends
here on the dais.
So please hold your applause
until I'm finished.
To my left is
Kitty Domaine...
More coffee? There you go.
...Selby Desner,
Barbara Wattell,
Walter Smith,
Martha Sterling
and Paul Fleming.
And to my right,
Michael Kenyon,
Olivia D. Williams,
Otto Bailey,
Bea Dorfman.
And now, the Father
of Internal Bushings,
our very own
and beloved leader.
A man who needs
no introduction!
Thank you very much, Sammy.
Thank you!
I couldn't wait.
That was
a very nice introduction,
and I am very thrilled
and proud to be here today.
It's been a wonderful
ceremony so far.
Here on behalf
of our own Fred
"The Dorf" Dorfman!
Who is he?
Many of you don't know that
Fred was darn near death
recently.
And he wasn't ashamed
to admit to me
that he'd had syphilis.
Thank God he stopped it
in its tracks.
I must tell you
that it takes
a lot for a man
to admit
where he got it from
and how he got it.
I must say, look at him today.
Fred, you look just wonderful.
The nose looks normal again.
The face has come back
into shape.
And he's not drooling anymore,
it's a good sign.
And hats off to Marge,
his wife,
because that
whole experience there,
the two or three weeks
that she stayed at
Trembling Hills has paid off.
No more alcohol
or sedatives in her life.
There's so many other things
that I wanna tell you
about Fred,
things that maybe many of you
already know.
Sammy, you're not going
to sing for us, are you?
Did you know
that Fred spent a good deal
of his life
honoring a profession
that has gone largely unsung
around here?
Some of those boys
are here tonight.
The profession, of course,
is law enforcement.
I know Fred feels this way,
that too often our feelings
are locked in
and we feel restrained
and perhaps even embarrassed
to actually reach out
and touch
an officer of the law.
After all, they are people,
aren't they?
So why not stand up
and pat them on the back?
Go ahead, reach out.
Go ahead!
Shake hands with any one
of the guys you see here,
these men in blue.
Hug a cop!
Yeah, go ahead.
I said it.
Yeah!
That's a wonderful feeling!
I am so proud tonight!
(SINGING)
Oh, say, can you see
By the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hail'd
At the twilight's
last gleaming
Hip, hip, hooray!
Hip, hip, hooray!
ALL: Hooray!
Hooray! Hooray!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Mr. Stanwyk,
you are confirmed
on Pan Am Flight 441
to Rio de Janeiro
tomorrow evening, 11:00 p.m.,
first class.
That's terrific.
Thank you.
You reconfirmed
this morning.
You bet I did.
I'm a bear for detail.
I hope there's nobody
next to me.
You see,
I always travel first class
and I take both seats up.
I'm in bridge work.
Bridge construction.
These fold-outs take
a tremendous amount of space
up and I need the space.
I'm afraid there is someone
sitting next to you.
Oh, for God don don!
Who is it? Mr. Sinilindon?
No. The name is Cavanaugh.
Cavanaugh?
Oh. Is that Morris or Pierre?
Sally Ann Cavanaugh.
Sally Ann? Well, terrific.
In fact,
you purchased the ticket
for Miss Cavanaugh.
Doesn't mean I want her
sitting next to me, does it?
I'm sorry,
the flight's full.
She's connecting
out of Provo.
Oh. All right, fine.
Provo, Spain?
Utah.
Utah!
FLETCH: Listen, Frank,
don't give me any crap
about the beach story.
I'm at the airport.
FRANK ON PHONE:
The airport?
Listen, there are at least
two dozen cops after my ass.
I can't go to my house,
I can't go to the office.
I'm a man
without a country, Frank.
Fletch, if these cops
are really after you,
come in here.
You'll be okay.
I couldn't even get through
the front door.
Listen, I'm going to Utah.
You go to Utah,
you stay in Utah.
I'm turning the story over
to a professional reporter.
Frank, The story is Utah.
Trust me.
You're going to Utah?
Fine, fine, fine.
If your story is not
on my desk by 11:30,
you're out of a job.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Cujo?
Who the hell are you?
Get up!
I'm up.
Door was unlocked.
Lock's busted.
Well, there you have it.
I work for the landlord.
He told me to watch out
for the place.
Well, I commend him
on his choice.
What?
I commend him
on his choice.
I was supposed to meet
Mrs. Cavanaugh here.
Who are you?
I'm Don Corleone,
Mrs. Cavanaugh's cousin.
You know where she is?
Moved out.
Moved out?
(SCOFFING)
Isn't that something?
I just talked to her
last week. She didn't
say a thing about it.
She moved out.
So you're saying
she moved out.
This morning.
This morning?
God!
We had so much
to talk about.
You know,
Mo Green is out
of the Tropicana now.
My sons, Mike and Fredo,
are taking over.
What did you want
under the bed?
I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to
pull rank on you.
I didn't want to
have to do this.
I'm with the mattress police.
There are no tags
on these mattresses.
I have to take you downtown.
Now, give me the weapon.
(COCKS GUN)
I'm calling the cops.
This is for the cops.
Come on, man, will you?
I'm her cousin.
Tell the cops.
Okay, you wanna call the cops?
Call the cops.
Better tie
your shoelaces first.
(GRUNTS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Thanks a lot!
Hey, Stretch,
what's happening?
I got
an unbelievable story here.
Yeah? Great.
What can I do?
Write this down.
Sally Ann Cavanaugh.
Sally Ann Cavanaugh.
Check every hotel in LA.
Start with the ones
near the airport.
He's supposed to leave
the country with her
tomorrow night.
Got that, honey?
I love your body, Larry.
(WHOOPS)
Good afternoon.
Howdy.
You know, they ought
to recall these things.
You hit one good bump
out here and, boom,
the whole
rear window explodes.
Are you Mr. Marvin Stanwyk?
Yeah.
Hi there. I'm Harry S. Truman
from Casewell Insurance
Underwriters.
Harry S. Truman?
Yeah, well,
my were big fans
of the former president.
Isn't that nice?
He was a good man.
He sure was.
He showed the Japs
a thing or two.
Oh, yeah, he dropped
the big one, huh?
He dropped two big ones
on them.
He was a real fighter.
Yeah.
You in the insurance line,
Harry?
That's right.
Well, I'm fully covered.
Oh, I don't doubt it,
Mr. Stanwyk.
FLETCH:
Actually, my company is
the sub-insurers
of the subsidiary carriers
of a policy
held by Alan Stanwyk,
who I believe is your son.
Yeah, he is.
(CHUCKLING)
Mr. Truman,
I want you to meet
my wife, Velma.
Oh, my pleasure.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Come on up here and sit down,
have a glass of lemonade.
Thank you.
Velma makes
the most unusual lemonade.
Is that right?
It's kind of hard
to keep it cold
on a day like this.
Where you from, Harry?
I'm from California.
San Berdoo.
Yeah. Utah is part
of my route.
Say, you folks don't mind
if I ask you a couple
of questions, do you?
Shoot.
Thank you very much.
We'll just start
with a couple
of the routine things.
You and your wife
are currently alive,
I take it?
Harry, if there's...
It's just regulations.
Now,
you, Marvin,
and your wife named Velma...
Velma.
...are the parents
of one Alan Stanwyk
of Beverly Hills,
Executive Vice President
of Boyd Aviation.
Check.
Check.
And when was the last time
you saw Alan?
Oh, about ten days ago.
Ten days ago?
Yeah, he comes and visits us
about every three weeks.
Isn't that nice?
How long has he
been doing that?
Since he moved to LA.
Now, you'll pardon me
if I seem a bit personal here,
but I don't know
how to put it.
We understand that there's
a young lady friend here
in Provo
that Alan's been seeing.
What's this got to do
with insurance?
Oh, trust me, Marvin,
this is
a comprehensive policy.
Well, you can forget about
that lady friend business.
Alan is
the most loving husband
a girl could have.
He dotes on that bride of his.
Who?
His wife.
You've met her?
Well, of course we have.
He brings her with him.
Has Alan ever mentioned
the name Sally Ann Cavanaugh
to you?
Has he?
Boy, what in the hell's
the matter with you?
He has, then?
Of course he has.
That's his wife.
Of course.
His wife's name is
Sally Ann Cavanaugh then.
I...
Cute as a button.
You wouldn't happen
to have a picture of Alan
and his bride,
would you, handy?
Oh, sure,
we've got lots of pictures.
Let me get you some.
Great.
Still married are they,
Alan and Sally Ann?
Yes, they are.
How long have they been
married, Marvin?
It was before
he moved to LA.
Eight years April.
This keeps getting heavier
each year.
There we are.
There, there it is.
That's the one.
Oh, my goodness.
She is a button,
isn't she?
Isn't she cute?
Say, could I borrow
this picture for a while?
I promise to send it back.
It's routine.
The actuarial people...
Oh, that's all right.
We have lots more.
Want to see the reception?
No, no, thank you.
I'm trying to quit.
Well, how about Marvin's
65th birthday party?
How about that, Marvin?
MARVIN: They got a picture
of me in here.
But they...
Remember how much you drank
that day?
This is Alan? Son of a bitch!
I can't believe this!
It's really Alan,
and it's really bigamy.
How long have they
been married?
About eight years.
Who is this woman?
I don't know, Gail,
I think it's Alan's
high school sweetheart.
Her name is Sally Ann
something or other.
Alan's been keeping
a lot of things secret lately.
I'm gonna call the police.
No, no.
No, Gail, you can't do that.
Yes, I am.
And I'm calling my father.
Just give me
one more day, okay?
Just one more day.
Why, what for?
Do you have any idea
how humiliating this is?
Yes, I do.
I really do.
Remember what I told you?
Tomorrow night you have
a club meeting.
You stay away from the house,
all right?
I'll take care of him.
Don't worry about it.
She looks like a hooker.
Look at her.
Look at her.
Could you love someone
who looked like that?
What are you talking about?
Of course not.
Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.
That's funny.
I know. Listen.
Why don't we both relax
and go in there and lie down
and I'll fill you in?
This is a really good time
to make a pass at me.
Gum?
Who? Go somewhere else.
Gum, it's me.
Fletch. Really, is that you?
Don't say "Fletch."
Don't say my name.
Shut up.
Okay.
Don't look at me, lay back.
I gotta talk to you,
all right?
All right, all right.
About what?
There're cops all around here,
and they're after me.
What? You mean those surfers
over there?
Just lay back down.
Don't point.
Just lay back, all right?
Okay, okay.
Fletch, why they after you?
They're after me because
I'm a newspaper reporter.
And I'm nailing Chief Karlin
as the major drug source
on this beach.
Sit back.
Fat Sam's turning
state's evidence.
What's that?
He wrote me
a very nice deposition.
He says
he just received the drugs
and you did all the selling.
He said what?
Fletch, he's lying.
Man, honest, Fletch.
I didn't sell nothing, man.
You gotta believe me.
I didn't sell anything.
I just carried the drugs
from the Chief to Sam.
That's it.
Sure you did.
Sure you did, Gum.
Fletch, Fletch, honest, man.
That's all I did.
Twenty years, Gum,
twenty years in prison.
Unless you want
to play ball.
You don't leave me much
of a choice, I guess.
Fletch, you all right?
Yeah, I'm all right.
These robes...
I got another question
for you.
Where does the Chief
get his drugs from?
I don't know.
Have fun. Don't bend over
for the soap.
Fletch. Fletch, okay, okay.
It's somewhere
in South America.
Mind if I sit here?
Fletch? Man.
You don't know me, Sam.
My pleasure, brother.
I'm a reporter, Sam.
I'm breaking the story
on the drug traffic
around here.
Gummy's turning
state's evidence.
I got good proof
it's the Chief.
You gonna bust the Chief?
I'm gonna bust the Chief.
I could use your help.
I'm a slave
to that son of a bitch.
He busted me,
third offense.
Gave me my choice,
push for him or do 15 long.
Now, all I get out of this
is free junk.
You don't have a piece
of the action?
No. Free junk, that's it.
Hey, how you doing?
Albert Einstein's forehead.
You like it?
I won it in a raffle.
Excuse me.
Fellows, stay with me,
will you?
Fletch?
What's up? What's up?
I'm quitting
as of midnight tonight.
Who are these guys?
This is Fat Sam
and this is Gummy.
Fellows, come with me.
These are their statements
naming Chief Karlin
as the number-one drug pusher
from here to Oxnard.
I want them to have
federal protection sponsored
by the paper.
Is that okay, Frank?
FLETCH: Sit down in there,
anywhere you...
That's good.
Make yourselves comfortable.
This is wonderful.
This is...
I'm out, Frank.
You lost faith in me.
Fletch, I got nervous.
Come on.
Forget it.
I'm writing the story.
Just hold
the last two paragraphs
till 10:00, okay?
You want an apology?
You were going
to can me, right?
No, not really.
Not really?
I was upset. You know.
Okay.
Jesus, I'm sick
of this place. Ow.
I'm gonna try out
for the Lakers. They need
a good power forward.
Fletch, this is
a hell of a story.
Thanks.
Now, about these guys...
Don't worry about them.
They're just fine.
You don't have any valuables
in there, Vicki Morgan tapes
or anything?
(EXCLAIMING)
ALAN: Good evening.
I like your outfit.
Did you bring the 50 grand
and the tickets?
Of course.
Oh, oh, oh.
You forgot your rubber gloves.
You're planning on killing me,
aren't you?
You catch on real quick,
Mr. Nugent.
That's a pretty hostile thing
to do, don't you think?
Well, you were gonna kill me.
I look at this simply
as self-defense.
Now, if you would be so kind
as to put your passport
on my desk.
You're wearing my suit.
Where did you get that?
I said,
where did you get my suit,
Mr. Nugent?
The name's Fletcher.
I'm a newspaper reporter.
I write a column
under the name of Jane Doe.
What the hell is this?
Read this.
Look, I don't have time
for your nonsense.
Cut the crap.
Come downstairs and read this.
I'm not going anywhere.
Unless my people
hear differently, that letter
goes out at midnight.
"Dear Mr. Boyd,
Alan Stanwyk murdered
me tonight.
"Charred remains found
by the police in the Jaguar
are mine, not his.
"Mr. Stanwyk, using my name
and passport,
boarded Pan Am Flight 306.
"On arrival, he intends
to establish..."
Pretty hefty.
Keep reading.
"...with his legal wife,
the former
Sally Ann Cavanaugh..."
Don't stop, Alan.
Uh-oh, the missus.
What are you doing here?
I already know most of it.
I just want to hear the rest
from you.
He doesn't read my stuff
very well.
Let me take a crack at it.
"Sally Ann and Alan were
married eight years ago,
"never divorced,
making Stanwyk a bigamist,
even in Utah.
"Stanwyk is also traveling
with $3 million in cash,
"the result of Gail Stanwyk's
conversion
of Boyd Aviation stock."
It's true, isn't it?
"Sally Ann can confirm
all this
"when the police pick her up
at the Airport Marriott."
That's where she is,
isn't it?
"By the way,
Alan is a very big
drug smuggler.
"But you can read
all about that
in tomorrow's paper.
"Sincerely, I.M. Fletcher.
PS, Have a nice day."
Bravo, Mr. Fletcher. Bravo.
You know,
what tipped it for me was
something your wife said
while we were
in bed together.
Oh? And what was that?
Curiously, she said
we had roughly the same build.
From the waist up,
I imagine.
Then I figured it.
You bump me off,
plop me in the car
and burn me up.
What the heck,
same bone structure.
You son of a bitch.
But I'm not a stupid
son of a bitch.
I was already prepared
to commit one murder,
ass face.
What makes you think
I won't commit two, huh?
Whoops.
"Whoops."
What do you mean, "Whoops"?
Don't say "Whoops."
I mean, by the time
your story's published,
I'll be on the beach.
And I understand extradition
from South America
is very complicated.
I'll bet for two murders,
it's even more so.
That thing loaded?
If you shoot me,
you're liable to lose a lot
of those humanitarian awards.
Tough shit, Hopalong.
KARLIN: Greetings, everyone.
Thank God, the police.
Jesus, what in the hell
are you doing here?
Put the gun down, Alan.
I can take care of them.
I thought you had
this all figured out.
Nice going, Irwin.
Don't ever
call me Irwin, okay?
Fat Sam left the beach today.
So had Gummy.
It began to occur to me
that maybe there's some things
happening here that I should
become aware of.
Look, I said
I'll take care of this.
Now, it doesn't involve you.
Now, go on home.
I'll call you tomorrow.
What? Long distance?
Couldn't help but overhear
you say something
about South American
extradition.
Jerry.
Alan, you're not planning
on taking that $800,000
I staked you with
for the next load, are you?
Looks like you two
have a lot to talk over.
We'll just catch
the last ten minutes
of Dynasty.
Jerry, come on, now.
You're gonna have to trust me!
I got a foolproof way
to get rid of this asshole,
and you're jeopardizing
everything!
Your foolproof way
is gonna land my butt
on the front page
while you're basking
in the sun!
With your money.
(GAIL SCREAMING)
The second one's gonna be
even more fun.
Go ahead, make my day.
(GAIL SCREAMS)
Thanks.
FRANK:
No, this is getting absurd.
"One Bob Haldeman wig,
a gorilla suit."
That's a gibbon suit.
"Tennis shorts,
leather sneakers,
wrist bands."
It's business, Frank.
Believe me, I hate tennis.
What's novelty teeth?
Frank, it's all business.
Frank, it's all business!
"A nun's habit.
Six tubes of Crazy Glue."
Oh, that's personal.
Right, take it out
of my raise.
You're not getting a raise.
Did I say... Come on.
I would think the DA
would need these tickets
for evidence.
Not necessarily.
Not necessarily?
Larry!
In the court ruling
US vs. Fishbein,
a man subjected
to potential incineration
while wearing
another man's suit
is entitled to $10,000
worth of airline tickets.
It's an obscure ruling
but a very important one
to me.
Why don't you just say
that you want to take me
to Rio with you?
There's a different slant.
The thing is, see,
we haven't really
dated formally.
I always take my first dates
to a Laker game.
I don't want to go
to a Laker game.
(INAUDIBLE)
I don't like basketball.
Maybe that's because
you don't understand
basketball.
You haven't been schooled
in the fundamentals.
Pick and roll.
Sounds like
a fast-food chain.
Reverse stuff.
That I've done.
I'll bet you have,
you little vixen.
FLETCH: The coroner had
certified Stanwyk dead
or extremely sleepy.
And Chief Karlin was facing
20 years in the fun house.
I decided to accompany
Gail to Rio
and personally assist her
in her grief therapy.
On the beach,
I explained basketball to her,
but she didn't seem
to grasp it.
Fletch?
Call me Irwin.
Why do they have to bounce
the ball the whole time?
I mean, doesn't it seem
a little childish to you?
Well, it may seem that,
but that's called dribbling.
Dribbling?
If they don't keep
bouncing the ball,
they get called
for traveling.
Traveling. Oh.
Yeah, that's what they call it
when you don't bounce
the ball.
FLETCH:
When it came to basketball,
Gail was a loss.
But we had our own version
of one-on-one,
and she thought I was
the bravest man in the world,
which, of course, I am.
By the way, I charged
the entire vacation
to Mr. Underhill's
American Express card.
Want the number?
I'm an investigative reporter
for a Los Angeles paper.
You've probably read my stuff
under the byline of Jane Doe.
What the hey,
it's better than Irwin.
The last three weeks,
I've been loitering
around the beach
trying to pass
for an amiable
minor league junkie.
I don't nod out or drool,
that's too obvious.
Act like you don't give a crap
and you fit right in.
(WHISTLES)
Business has really
picked up, huh?
I'm still closed.
What is it,
a Colombian national holiday?
Yeah.
So what do you figure, Sam?
No idea.
No idea at all?
Some idea.
Like when?
When it comes,
it comes.
I got some reds.
You don't mean communists,
do you, Sam?
Is everything a joke
to you, Fletch?
Everything, Sam.
Hey, Gummy!
Hey, Fletch.
Hey, Sam.
How's the eye?
Guess it's okay.
The cops did it.
They always
beating up on me.
He doesn't know.
Son of a bitch!
That's what he said.
He doesn't know?
How come he doesn't know?
I don't know how come
he doesn't know.
He just doesn't know.
Son of a bitch!
I wonder
how he gets the stuff.
I have no idea.
Never leaves the beach,
that Sam.
Never leaves.
He sits in that chair.
He's out of shit.
Suddenly he gets up,
he's got shit.
So where's it coming from?
The sand?
I think that's
highly unlikely, Crease.
I ought to get some sleep.
Crease, how old are you?
Nineteen.
You're not taking
very good care of yourself.
FLETCH: In case you
haven't guessed yet,
there's been a lot
of drug traffic on the beach.
And I'm not talking about
Robitussin and No Doz.
I'm talking about
the hard stuff.
And a lot of it.
I've been trying to find out
who's behind it.
It hasn't been easy.
I don't shower much.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
I have something
I'd like to discuss
with you.
What's that?
We can't talk
about it here.
Why not?
Because we can't.
Are you on a scavenger hunt,
or did I just forget to pay
my dinner check?
I mean,
I'd be happy to pay it...
I want you
to come to my house
and then we'll talk.
You got the wrong gal, fella.
I'll give you $1,000 cash.
What?
Just come to my house
and listen to the proposition.
If you reject the proposition,
you keep the $1,000,
and your mouth shut.
Does this proposition
entail my dressing up
as Little Bo Peep?
It's nothing
of a sexual nature,
I assure you.
Yeah, I assure you.
$1,000 just to listen?
I don't see
how you can pass
that up, Mr...
Nugent. Ted Nugent.
Alan Stanwyk.
Alan, charmed.
For an extra grand,
I'll let you take me out
to dinner.
What a coincidence.
What?
I came this close
to buying this place.
Then I found out
Hopalong Cassidy
killed himself here.
Blew it for me.
Who?
Hopalong Cassidy.
Bow and arrow.
Very weird.
What? Are you doped up now?
Don't talk to me
like that, ass face.
I don't work for you, yet.
(GREETING IN SPANISH)
Pup 'N' Taco.
Oh, you've remodeled
the garage.
Must have cost you hundreds.
That's a good idea.
I oughta frame mine.
Will the Pope be in later?
Here's my proposition.
I'm all ears.
I want you to murder me.
Here,
on Thursday.
I'd like you
to shoot me dead.
And the reason I ask you
to do me this service
is because I'm already
facing a very long,
painful and
most certain death.
You see,
I have bone cancer.
And I don't know if you know
anything about bone cancer,
Mr. Nugent.
It's the worst kind
you can get.
It just eats you up
bit by bit.
You don't look sick,
Mr. Stanwyk.
I don't feel sick. Not yet.
They tell me
it'll start getting bad
in about a month.
After that,
I'd rather not be
around for it.
Why don't you try suicide?
Believe me,
I've thought about it.
But my company's
taken out a very large
life insurance policy on me.
Suicide would nullify
my insurance,
but murder does not.
Why me?
You're a drifter,
pardon the expression,
a junkie.
Nobody would notice
if you just disappeared.
You see,
I've been watching you
for a couple of weeks.
Maybe I'm just on vacation.
Not with the scum
you hang out with. No.
No, I've watched
and I've thought.
It's rather
an elegant little plan.
I even have your escape
figured out for you.
Swell.
Has it ever occurred to you
I might not want
to murder you, Stanwyk?
I've got $50,000
says you will.
$50,000.
And a guarantee
you won't get caught.
I'm still here.
I want it done
Thursday evening
around 8:00 p.m.
My wife will be
at her club function,
and it's the staff's
night off.
These will be open.
Wouldn't they normally
be locked?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
The staff usually forget.
Oh, yeah.
I have the same trouble
with my help.
I'll be here in the room
waiting for you.
The safe will be open.
There will be $50,000 in it.
You'll be wearing
rubber gloves.
Do you own rubber gloves?
I rent them.
I have a lease
with an option to buy.
Now, in this drawer...
A.357 Magnum.
My.357. You use it.
No one can trace it to you.
Of course the room will be
in some disarray.
You want it to look
like a burglary attempt?
You come in and catch me,
I'm stealing your ties
and money?
We scuffle.
And the gun gets loose,
and I shoot you
right between the eyes.
Precisely.
Are you a good shot?
Yeah, I'm all right.
Well, get me
on the first shot,
if you can.
Do you have a passport?
I could probably dig one up.
Good.
Now, after you kill me,
take the Jaguar.
The keys will be
in the glove compartment.
Take it where?
LAX.
Go to the Pan Am desk.
There will be a ticket
waiting for you.
Where am I going?
Rio.
It departs at 11:00 p.m.
They serve dinner
on the flight?
And a movie and free drinks.
I'd recommend
staying down there
for at least a year.
So?
So.
You've certainly thought
this out.
I'm not someone
who leaves a great deal
to chance.
Those will be open?
Now don't worry about that.
Just take care of the gloves,
the passport and the aim.
I'll take care
of everything else.
The gun, the money,
the tickets
and the dying.
That's right.
Looks like you get
the hard part.
What do you say?
You'll be doing me
and my family a great service.
Will you kill me?
Sure.
Hey! Good to see you.
Hey, Slouch, how are you?
Hey, check out the Beach Boy!
Larry?
Yo.
Can I steal you
for a minute?
Only if you promise
not to return me.
It's a deal.
Magic today, huh?
Yeah, Kareem's in the wash.
I need a favor.
Shoot.
Fletch!
Did you hear something?
Not me.
Me neither. Let's see
what we have on a guy
named Alan Stanwyk
in Beverly Hills.
I need this right away.
I take it by
your presence here
that the story's done.
It's W-Y-K, okay?
I'll be right down.
Tell me I'm right.
Excuse us.
You are right, Frank,
but you're very peaked.
You wanna throw up?
Come on in. Vomit...
I want an answer!
The story's done, right?
Almost.
Almost,
is not an answer.
"Yes, Frank.
The story's all done."
That's an answer.
And a damn fine answer,
if I do say so my damn self.
Thank you.
Irwin, professional journalism
time now.
Two points.
Go back to the beach...
Don't say "Irwin."
...and finish the damn story!
Rubber gloves.
Hey, Frank, I will.
I swear.
Frank, something else
came up. Okay?
No. It's not okay.
You've got a deadline
tomorrow.
Did you see the ad
we ran Sunday?
I don't read the paper.
What's the spread
on the game...
What's the spread
on the game tonight?
Anybody know?
MAN: Lakers by six.
Take a look.
"Drugs on our beaches,
shame of the city."
"Shame of the city."
That's very nice.
Now, try to follow me on this.
You can't run the ad
and then not run the story.
You can't? Why not?
Shit. Really?
Frank, I'm just
putting you on.
You'll get the story
and be very proud of it.
You broke it?
You know the source?
Practically.
Well, what's practically?
Is it this guy Fat Sam?
You said you had pictures
of him.
I do have pictures
of him dealing.
Well, let's go.
We'll run the pictures.
You can't do that, Frank.
Fat Sam isn't the story.
There's a source behind him.
Who?
Well, there we're in
a kind of a gray area.
All right, how gray?
Charcoal.
May I help you with that?
FLETCH: Okay.
A little lighter.
Little lighter.
Okay. Can you go higher?
That's good.
Over to the right.
Higher. Higher. Perfect.
Perfect. Nice and hard.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, that's good.
Thank you.
That it?
Perfect.
Everything's recent.
Well.
Let me see that.
"Alan Stanwyk,
"commercial airline pilot
from Provo, Utah."
"Formerly a test pilot,
member of the Jaycees."
Should we move on?
Yeah.
Married Boyd Aviation.
He's no dummy.
That's big bucks.
"Mr. Stanwyk's parents,
Marvin and Velma, of Provo,
"were unable to attend
the wedding."
Those are three names I enjoy,
Marvin, Velma and Provo.
Hold it there.
That's good.
Cancer.
"Cancer Society Benefit."
"Internist
Dr. Joseph Dolan."
"With internist
Dr. Joseph Dolan."
I wonder
if that's his doctor.
One way to find out.
Yeah. There is one way
to find out.
So where do you know
Alan from?
We play tennis at the club.
Really?
California Racquet Club?
Right.
That's my club, too.
Oh.
I don't remember
seeing you there.
Well, I haven't been playing
for a while because of
these kidney pains.
Right.
Now, how long have you had
these pains, Mr. Barber?
No, that's Babar.
Two "B's"?
One "B." B-A-B-A-R.
That's two.
Yeah, but not right next
to each other. I thought
that's what you meant.
Arnold Babar.
Isn't there a children's book
about an elephant
named Babar?
I don't know.
I don't have any.
No children?
No elephant books.
Open wide.
Say, "Ah."
You know,
it's an odd name.
I don't recall having seen it
on the club registry.
Well, I don't formally belong.
I'm a guest of my aunt's.
Your aunt?
Right. Mrs. Smith.
Joan or Margaret?
Right.
Well, which one?
Margaret.
Funny old bird.
Yeah.
Is she ever.
I could tell you some stories.
I bet.
You know,
it's a shame about Ed.
Oh, it was.
That was really a shame.
To go so suddenly like that.
He was dying for years.
Sure.
But the end was
very, very sudden.
He was in intensive care
for eight weeks.
But I mean the very end,
when he actually died.
That was extremely sudden.
You know, Alan and I
were recently speaking
of dying.
He told me Boyd Aviation
took out a large
insurance policy on him.
You've got to be
in some kind of perfect shape
to get that sort of a policy,
I bet.
Drop your shorts
and bend over, Mr. Babar.
Oh, no, really.
We don't need to. I...
We don't want to do that.
You know, my kidneys
feel a lot better
in this position.
Maybe it's just
that I'm not doing
any calisthenics.
You know, if I did sit-ups
in the morning
or bent over like this,
I'd probably feel 100%...
(SINGING)
Moon river
Phew!
Thank you, Doc.
You ever serve time?
DOLAN: Breathe easy.
Breathe easy.
You know, I was surprised
that Alan was able to
get that policy.
I know there's a history
of cancer in the family.
There is?
Yeah.
As a matter of fact...
(GRUNTS) You using
the whole fist, Doc?
Just relax.
Yeah, I saw Alan
the other day.
He was looking
a little peaked.
I don't know.
I think he's lost weight.
Are you sure
he's all right?
I can't discuss
another patient.
You know that.
Well, I don't find anything
wrong with you.
Well. I'm sure it's not
for a lack of looking.
FLETCH: 12:00 noon.
I was anxious to get back
to my drug story.
But since Dr. Jellyfinger
wasn't talking,
I just had to find out
a little more about
Stanwyk's health.
May I help you, Dr...
Oh, it's me,
Dr. Rosenpenis.
Doctor who?
I'm just here to check
Alan Stanwyk's file.
Dr. Rosenrosen.
I'm here to...
Could you give
that name again? I...
It's Dr. Rosenhite. I...
I want to check
the records room.
Doctor who?
Dr. Rosen.
Where's the record room?
Next to Pathology.
Would you do me
a favor and take care
of these things?
I'd like to check
Alan Stanwyk's file.
What the hell's happening?
Where the hell's
the records room?
Next to Pathology, B1.
I can't hear you. What?
B1.
Could you just collate
these for me? Where did you
say that was?
B1.
B1. Thank you very much.
You can take the elevator.
Thank you very much.
Hey, you. Give me a hand
for a second,
will you, Doctor?
Me?
Come on! Come on!
(LOUD WHIRRING)
Yeah.
Have you ever seen
a spleen that large?
No, not since breakfast.
Here. Hold this.
Listen, I'm not really
prepared for this.
I haven't sterilized my hands.
You're not gonna
make this guy any sicker.
(LOUD WHIRRING)
I'll get it.
I don't feel good.
(EXCLAIMING)
Boy, you never get used
to the smell, do you?
(THUDDING)
Oh, Doctor.
Are you all right?
Where am I?
You're in the records room.
The records room?
Oh, I'm fine.
Can I get you something?
Do you have
The Beatles' White Album?
Never mind.
Just get me a glass
of hot fat.
And bring me the head
of Alfredo Garcia
while you're out there.
Well, Dr. Holmes
went to get you
some smelling salts.
He was quite surprised
that you fainted.
He was surprised?
I thought that body
was my dead brother.
Oh!
It's okay.
But that spleen was
a spitting image.
No, I guess I'm fine.
(GURGLING)
Nurse, I'm hyperventilating.
Would you get me
a paper bag, please?
Yes, right away.
Thank you.
(DOCTORS LAUGHING)
(METAL CLATTERING)
Here you are, Doctor.
Oh, thank you very much.
Is there anything particular
I can help you with?
No. Yes, there is,
actually. My...
One of my associates
was doing a biopsy
on this man.
Very recently, they said
he had a melanoma,
or a carcinoma,
some kind of a noma.
I don't know.
There's no record of it here.
Well, if he had one,
it would certainly
be in here.
Wait. Here it is.
"A surgical removal
of two moles.
"Tissue was benign."
Benign? There's no mention
of cancer here at all?
That's it?
That's it.
This is one month ago.
In other words, according to
this hospital, Alan Stanwyk
does not have cancer.
I guess not.
He'll be so relieved.
Thank you very much.
My pleasure.
Have a nice day.
(WHISTLING)
WOMAN: That sauce?
Have a bite.
Just a minute.
I'm not finished yet.
Sorry, Mr. Underhill.
Does that look
like I'm finished?
I guess not.
Now I'm finished.
Whatever you say,
Mr. Underhill.
I imagine
you're expecting
a nice gratuity, right?
Maybe next time.
Gail Stanwyk?
Yeah.
I haven't seen you
since the wedding.
You look great.
I do?
That's very sweet of you.
You know,
I have to confess
something to you,
I must've been pretty plowed
at your wedding.
I don't have any idea
who you are.
Not my wedding,
your wedding.
Oh, my wedding.
Thank God.
No. Doesn't really help me.
Are you a friend of Alan's?
Why, yes, we used to fly
together. I'm John.
Oh, John.
Oh, together.
No. John who?
John Cocktoastoy.
It's a beautiful name.
Well, it's Scotch-Rumanian.
That's an odd combination.
Yeah, well,
so were my parents.
Do you mind
if I practice some more?
I have to work
on my ground stroke.
You bet. Go ahead.
Excuse me, senor.
You are a member
of the club?
No, I'm not.
I'm with the Underhills.
They are left, senor.
That's all right.
They'll be back.
He went out
for his urinalysis.
Would you like
some drinks, senor,
while you wait?
I will put it
on the Underhills' bill.
Yes, very good.
I'll have a Bloody Mary,
and a steak sandwich,
and a steak sandwich, please.
Very good, senor.
Oh, hi.
So, how's Alan?
What are you asking me for?
He's been so busy lately,
I hardly see him.
He's been preoccupied.
With what?
I don't know.
Personal stuff.
Whoa! Look, I hit one.
Not bad. You know,
lobs are a very important
part of the game.
Sorry, sir.
Let me show you
a couple of things.
Here. Stand here for a sec.
Now look.
When the ball comes,
face the ball like this,
you see?
Yeah.
And then pivot your body,
and step in like that. Swing.
Step in with your left foot.
Just like this.
Okay?
Go ahead. Try one.
All right. Go ahead.
Get in that ready position.
Yeah.
And the ball's going
to come now. I want you
to pivot. Ready?
Yeah.
How many did you
put in the machine?
I thought I put a lot.
Well, that's it.
It's finished.
Good. Much better.
You know,
I must be having an off day.
I'm usually
a fabulous player.
Well, I have this effect
on a lot of women.
I bet you do.
You know, the reason
I was asking about Alan is
that I bumped into him
this morning and...
You know
what I can't figure out?
Alan's in Utah.
I can't figure out
what I was doing
in Utah this morning.
I'm very flattered,
but I'm also very married.
You are trying to hit on me,
aren't you?
How did you guess?
I'm such a heel.
I don't know
what came over me.
If I had a nickel
for every one
of Alan's flyboy buddies
who tried to pick me up,
I'd be a rich woman.
You are a rich woman.
See what I mean?
Who would have thought
the Vice President knew
I was opening the door.
But the Secret Service,
they...
Whack! And this blood, and...
Washington.
Sugar, Mr. Poon?
No, never, never.
Thank you.
Well, now,
let me reiterate
that this is not
a formal investigation.
That is, if Alan Stanwyk
isn't involved
in any improprieties...
Alan Stanwyk is not involved
in any improprieties.
I don't know where the SEC
comes off by even making
such an accusation.
Now, you know that,
and I know that
but somebody's bucking
for a promotion.
It's probably
that Pederast Hanrahan.
I don't know...
All I know is,
if I don't go back
with something
you and your son-in-law
are going to be
the scapegoats of the week.
Unbelievable.
This is unbelievable.
I mean, look at this.
They even want to know
what he's doing in Utah.
Utah? Oh, Jesus H. Christ
on a popsicle stick.
First of all,
Alan Stanwyk does not own
one single share of stock!
The $3 million for the ranch
in Provo was entirely provided
by my daughter
who converted some
of her personal holdings,
not corporate holdings.
Personal holdings.
So, if any of your DC boys
want to make something out
of that, bring them on.
Otherwise, you tell
your Commission to get
the hell out of my face.
God, I admire you.
Well,
consider this case closed.
Look at this,
it's even stopped bleeding.
Isn't that something?
My pleasure.
Well, thank you and good day.
Oh, by the way...
Yeah.
...what kind of a name
is Poon?
Comanche Indian. Goodbye.
Oh, Madeline, Frieda lost
the number for Alan's
realtor in Provo, Utah.
Could you get me that
real quick, please?
Jim Swarthout?
Yeah.
(WHISTLING)
I'm sorry,
who are you again?
I'm Frieda's boss.
Who's Frieda?
My secretary.
FLETCH: I knew my junkie pals
were awaiting my good cheer
on the beach
but I needed a second wind,
a beer and a wardrobe change.
As I pulled up to
my palatial imitation
apartment building,
I observed the familiar
red Oldsmobuick of
Mr. Arnold T. Pants, Esquire,
attorney for the former
Mrs. Irwin Fletcher.
Time to use
the service entrance.
Refusal to pay alimony is
a jailable offense, Fletch.
What about trespassing
and loitering?
I am neither loitering
nor trespassing.
I've simply chosen
an advisable location
to await my client's
delinquent husband.
Well, I don't like to discuss
business on the lanai.
Let's go inside.
Okay. If you're wearing
rubbers, leave them outside,
would you?
A little one-on-one?
He draws the foul.
You owe Wendy $918.
She doesn't need it.
She's been living
with somebody for months.
And I know it.
I don't know
what you're referring to.
Wendy maintains
her own residence.
This stinks.
I empathize
with your plight, Fletch.
However, you threw her out.
She was sleeping
with everybody.
You should have proved that
in a court of law.
My lawyer was a bum.
I agree.
I think she slept
with him, too.
You may be right.
Are you serious?
That's history, Fletch.
You owe us $918.
Hey!
I think our problems
may just be solved.
Ed McMahon.
I think I just won
a million bucks.
(CHUCKLING)
Yeah. "Irwin M. Fletcher,
you choose."
(HOOTING)
Oh, boy.
I lost again. Sorry.
This is no joke, Fletch.
If some kind of payment
isn't made,
I'm gonna have to
contact your paper,
garnish you your wages.
I can't have my wages
garnish-ied.
Tell you what.
Cash? I'm impressed.
I saw my pimp today.
(EXCLAIMS)
Open your raincoat.
Come on. Just once.
It's worth it.
That's $1,000.
You apply the difference
to next month, okay?
Now scram.
Till then.
Keep $10 for yourself.
Go out and get yourself
a nice piece of ass.
MAN ON TV: Ladies
and gentlemen, our guest is
the Most Valuable Player
of the National
Basketball Association,
six times.
From the Los Angeles Lakers,
the all-time scoring champion
of the NBA,
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
And he's coming off a game
that was second to none
in his brilliant career.
You gotta be proud.
KAREEM:
Oh, definitely, Chick.
It was a great effort.
But, you know,
I had a lot of help,
and we're just glad
to be here.
Hey, how about Fletch?
What can I say about Fletch?
He's been fantastic.
He boxes out for us,
gets the tough rebounds
and does the tough things
that we need to win.
It's great
working with him.
I don't know
where we'd be without him.
And let's take a look
at the play.
He is actually 6'5".
With the Afro, 6'9".
Pretty good dribbler.
Comes in deep.
His club is behind
by one point at this stage.
Fletch comes in,
puts the ball
through the legs!
What a great play!
And he puts it up and in!
And the Lakers
have the lead!
Oh, was that some kind
of a play!
You know, this gritty kid
from the streets of Harlem
really creates excitement.
$4 million a year,
that's true. But he earns
every nickel of it.
Look how he shakes off
four or five defenders
with ease.
Fletch, he truly defines
grace under pressure.
Lar, it's me.
Listen, see if you've got
anything on Stanwyk
from the time
he used to live in Utah.
Yeah. And also check out
a realtor in Provo.
His name is Swarthout.
(SIREN BLARING)
Shit!
FLETCH: What's going on?
Take off, Fletch! Hey!
CREASE:
What are you doing?
They're after Gummy again.
Come here.
Hey, slow down.
Fletch, this is dumb.
(GUMMY SCREAMING)
Come on, man!
Hey, what are you doing, man?
He's defenseless.
No, no, no!
Don't do that!
Get up!
What are you doing?
(FLETCH GRUNTING)
Fletch!
GUMMY:
Let me out of here!
MAN: Beat it, cop!
Hey, you're really nuts.
You okay?
Yeah. I feel like $100.
They didn't do anything.
What? What are you
talking about?
I busted their window,
and they didn't do anything.
You're lucky or something.
It's not luck.
They didn't want me.
They wanted Gummy.
The cops and Gummy...
Come on, Frank.
Relax, will you? I need
a little more time.
I could be on
to something here.
You're on to something?
Yeah.
Good. What?
I don't want to spoil
your surprise.
Read about it tomorrow.
What? What do you want?
Don't point. Speak!
I need Fletch for a second.
She needs me.
I got nothing on Utah
or Jim Swarthout.
I know, honey. We have to
put this on the back burner
right now.
Right here. That's good.
You wanna give me
just a little hint?
All right, Frank.
There just may be some cops
involved in all of this.
Did you say cops?
Yeah.
'Cause that's the one thing
I did find.
It's from last month,
so it was in
the unsorted pile.
What's this?
More cops.
Frank, I need to go to Utah.
Utah?
Yeah, Utah.
It's wedged in between
Wyoming and Nevada.
You've seen pictures.
What about finding
the source?
I have some ideas.
Come on, Frank.
Say "yes."
I'll buy you
some new deodorant.
Go to Transportation.
Get a ticket.
My hero.
Nothing to it.
(WOMAN ON RECORDER
PANTING)
WOMAN: You're not
recording this, are you?
FLETCH: No. Never. Never.
Question.
Question.
Why does a man
ask me to kill him
and lie about dying
when he isn't dying?
He asked me to kill him.
Question.
Gail Stanwyk converts
$3 million of her stocks
to buy the ranch house.
Why pay in cash?
(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Mr. Jim Swarthout?
My name is Igor Stravinsky.
And I'm calling about
some ranch property
I'd like to buy.
Good, Mr. Stravinsky,
what did you have in mind?
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, are you a friend
of Alan's?
Well, no, not exactly.
I was at the club,
and I overheard some people
talking about the property
you sold him.
And $3 million sounded
like a good price to me.
Oh, is that right?
Oh, well, in that case,
I have been very misinformed.
Excuse you? Yes.
Well, listen.
Say, I'd like to come out
and see you anyway.
Is that all right?
What's good for you?
Well, I'm about to close up
shop and go out
for the evening.
How about first thing
in the morning?
First thing in the morning.
Tomorrow. Bye.
Hello. Anybody home?
Hey there, fella,
what's your name?
Fluff? Fifi?
All right.
Bad dog.
(DOG GROWLING)
Sit.
(GROWLING)
(BARKING)
Stay.
Watch your dogs.
Boy, oh, shut it.
Come on. Smile.
Say, "Flesh."
Look, defenseless babies.
Fell for the oldest trick
in the book.
(SINGING)
Strangers in the night
Exchanging clothing
Strangers in my pants
MAN: Surprise!
What the hell's...
Move!
Police. Spread 'em!
Got a gun, creep?
Shamu's got one.
Borrow his.
What have we here?
That's my dick.
Oh, funny boy.
What have we here?
Looks like heroin, Gene.
Hey. You just planted that.
What'd you say?
You fellows wanna
read me my rights?
You have the right
to remain silent.
Okay.
You have the right
to have your face kicked in
by me.
Nice.
You have the right
to have your balls stomped
by him.
I'll waive my rights.
OFFICER: All right, Gramps,
move it along.
What's the booking,
gentlemen?
Possession of narcotics.
And the chief wants
to talk to him.
Oh, yeah?
You'll like Chief Karlin.
He's a nice man.
Yeah, I hear he's mellowed out
a lot since he came out
of the closet.
You better take his picture
while he still has a face.
That hurts.
You've been hurting me.
Give him a buzz.
KARLIN: Come in.
Here he is, Chief.
Easy, fellas.
I'll be with you in a moment.
(SIGHING)
You decorate this place
yourself, or did
Mrs. Chief of Police help out?
So, what's your name?
Fletch.
Full name.
Fletch. F. Fletch.
I see.
And what do you do
for a living, Mr. Fletch?
I'm a shepherd.
Officers, could you excuse us
for a few moments?
Yeah. Why don't you guys
go down to the gym
and pump each other?
Why are you doing this,
Mr. Fletch?
I like men.
I like to be manhandled.
I like you.
For a gentleman
who was just found holding
a bagful of heroin...
That was planted on me.
We're looking at
five years here, maybe 10.
Now, is that what you want,
Jane Doe?
(CHUCKLING)
Your editor phoned me
to respond to allegations
you're about to print
concerning police involvement
in narcotics dealings.
Uh-uh.
I'm about to bust
that beach wide open.
And I don't need
some penny ante
Woodward and Bernstein
to come along
and get in the way of my men.
Well, your men may just be
involved in all of this.
I would think
that might interest you.
Idiot!
All right.
Strictly off the record, okay?
Yeah, okay.
I got that beach crawling
with undercover cops.
But if you come along
nosing around,
you're gonna make
the bad guys there
more cautious.
Makes my job harder.
And listen, if you print
your story this week,
it might get some
of my men killed.
And I can't have that,
Mr. Fletch.
You understand?
Yeah.
I understand.
Well, I got a deadline.
So the name's Karlin
with a "K," right?
Dipshit!
You go back
to that goddamn beach,
and you won't live
to regret it!
All right?
Hey, you and Tommy Lasorda.
Yeah.
I hate Tommy Lasorda.
FLETCH: Hey!
KARLIN: It's all right.
I'll take care of it now.
(SINGING)
Swing low, sweet chariot
I'll handle it from here.
Coming for to carry me home
Can't keep me here, Chief.
Maybe I'm not gonna
keep you in here.
Maybe I'm gonna blow
your brains out.
Well, now, I'm no lawyer
but I do believe that's
a violation of my rights.
After I shoot you,
I stick myself in the arm
with this knife
then I'll place the knife
in your dead hand.
(CHUCKLING)
Self-defense.
We don't do it much anymore,
but back in the old days...
You're serious.
Ask anybody.
Can I ask anybody now?
How about, can I call my mom,
tell her how much I love her?
I guess not.
I'm a newspaper reporter.
You don't just blow away
newspaper reporters.
It's kind of stupid,
isn't it?
What'll it be, Fletch?
Hey, I hate the beach
anyway, man.
This isn't even my story.
I've got a deadline
on my series on that off-track
betting in the Himalayas.
Smaller story, but I know
you've been following it.
I can tell
you have things
under control down there.
Your beach.
Come on out. Come on.
May I? Thank you.
FLETCH:
How could you call him?
What's the matter with you?
Fletch, I'm sorry.
Do you have any idea
know how close to death
I came?
Yeah, it's awful.
I mean, the guy had me
alone in a cell
with a gun at my head
and a knife in his hand!
He threatened
to kill me, Frank.
Jesus, that's a shame.
He would've blown me away.
Unbelievable.
You don't believe me,
do you?
Nope.
He thinks I made it up.
Unbelievable.
Fletch, I need an article
from you by tomorrow.
You believe me,
don't you?
Yes, I do.
I don't want any of these
unsubstantiated charges
about dope-dealing cops
or any of your horseshit
paranoid fantasies
about homicidal police chiefs.
Give me something
I can print!
Print this.
Me, too.
Hey, watch it.
You're on thin ice, Larry.
FLETCH: The time had come
to hang out at Boyd Aviation
to meet some of the guys
and to find out what
Stanwyk was doing
with that plane.
I splurged.
I invested 49 cents
in a set of novelty teeth.
Hey!
You the guy from Ajax?
Yeah, you bet.
All right.
I thought you were bringing
the eighth.
Yeah. They're on their way.
I'm the supervisor.
I don't carry the stuff.
Who's bringing them,
Freddie?
Yeah. Freddie.
MECHANIC: You were supposed
to have been here
over an hour ago, boy.
Well, traffic was murder.
You know, one of those
manure spreaders
jackknifed on the Santa Ana.
God awful mess.
You should see my shoes.
(EXCLAIMS)
Stanwyk's baby, huh?
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Looks well-used.
He's back and forth
to Utah every weekend.
Oh, is that right?
What is he, a Mormon?
(LAUGHING)
I don't think he's doing
a whole lot of singing
with the Tabernacle Choir.
(MECHANIC CHUCKLING)
These executives,
they live high.
Know what I mean?
I sure do.
That's a terrific wing.
I love this shape.
Hey, do us a favor, pal.
Name's Liddy.
Gordon Liddy.
Gord, take a look at
the seventh Fetzer valve,
will you?
I think it's been sticking.
Probably the humidity.
That's funny.
No, what I think
it is myself
is the bypass line.
It could be
the bypass line. Yeah.
Maybe I should take
a look at it.
Gordo?
Back here?
Don't tell me
my business, boy!
Just checking the luggage.
Somebody ought to
clean these windows.
There's a tremendous build-up
of gook all over them.
Look at that.
You use a lot of fuel
to go to Utah?
That's what I always
ask him.
Burns enough
to go to South America
and back.
South America and back.
Is that right?
Yeah.
But I always
kid him about it.
I say,
"What are you doing up there?
You doing some stunt flying
or something?"
What's he say?
Well, you know,
he don't say nothing.
He just gives me that look.
You know,
he's got that look.
Yeah, he don't say nothing.
He just gives him that look.
Well, sure.
He's the boss.
Here, let me take a crack
at this Fetzer here.
Gord.
Yeah, I know where it is.
I'm just getting
a bird's-eye view here and...
What do you think?
It's the bypass line, right?
I think
it's the bypass line.
Yeah.
I told you.
I'm gonna need some pliers
and a set of 30-weight
ball bearings.
What?
Yeah.
Tell you what.
I gotta go to my truck.
If Fred gets here
before I'm back,
you can tell him
to start without me.
What the hell do you need
ball bearings for?
Oh, come on, guys.
It's so simple.
Maybe you need
a refresher course.
Hey, it's all ball bearings
nowadays.
Now, you prepare
that Fetzer valve
with some 3-in-one oil
and some gauze pads.
And I'm gonna need
about 10 quarts of antifreeze,
preferably Prestone.
No, make that Quaker State.
And wash those windows.
They've got filth
and muck on them.
(GREETING IN SPANISH)
Oh, hi.
Where's Mrs. Stanwyk?
In her cabana, senor.
Oh, yeah. I'm supposed
to meet her in the cabana 6,
right?
Cabana 1.
One. Right.
You would like something
to eat or drink, senor?
Actually, I would.
Charge it
to the Underhills, senor?
Yeah. That's right.
Do you have any caviar?
Si, senor. Beluga.
But it is $80 a portion.
Well, I better just take
two portions of that.
How's the Lobster Thermidor?
I recommend it, senor.
Good. That'll be fine.
Bring two bottles
of Dom Perignon
to Cabana 1.
Very good, senor.
And put down $30
for yourself, huh?
(THANKING IN SPANISH)
This is the nicest place.
Who is it?
FLETCH: It's John.
John who?
It's John. John Levin...
I don't remember.
John Cocktoastin?
Yeah.
Hi.
Hi.
I was hoping
you'd say that.
I just got out of the shower.
Yeah. Can I borrow your towel
for a sec?
My car just hit
a water buffalo.
Nice place you have here.
I'm surprised to see you.
What are you doing here?
I ordered some lunch.
You ordered it here?
Well, I knew this is where
my mouth would be.
I really should change.
No, I think you should stay
the same wonderful person
you are today.
I mean put clothes on.
No, really,
make yourself comfortable.
Are you always
this forward?
Only with wet,
married women.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Your turn at the door!
Okay.
Very good, gentlemen.
Come right in.
There you go.
Right in this way.
Right in here.
That's good.
That's very nice.
Want I set up?
No, thank you.
I'll take care of it.
Give each other $20, okay?
Put it on Underhill.
(THANKING IN SPANISH)
(FLETCH SPEAKING
NONSENSICAL SPANISH)
Oh, this is beautiful.
(EXCLAIMS)
There we have it.
All this goes
on the Underhills' bill?
Yeah, well, I saved his life
during the war.
You were in the war?
No, he was.
I got him out.
Wow, I can't believe
I'm doing this.
This is great.
Let's eat.
Let's eat.
Your bill, senor.
Oh, thank you.
$400 for lunch?
Your guest, senor.
What guest?
We didn't have any guests
here today.
Two bottles of Dom Perignon?
$100 a pop!
Jesus H. Christ!
Where is he?
He is with Ms. Stanwyk.
Where's she?
Cabana 1.
Do you mind if I ask you
a question?
Depends on the question.
Want some more champagne?
Yes.
Are you still in love
with Alan?
No.
I mean, no,
you can't ask me
that question.
Ask me another one.
Why'd you let me in?
Because I'm bored.
If you're so bored,
why didn't you go to
Utah with Alan?
Well, Utah's not exactly
a cure for boredom.
That's a good point.
I mean,
I've never even been there.
I shouldn't say that.
What about his parents?
They live there.
He hasn't seen them for years
so I've never met them.
They don't get along well?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Mrs. Stanwyk.
Yes?
I'm sorry to disturb you.
It's Ted Underhill here.
Thanks for a great time.
I gotta get out of here.
Wait a minute.
What is this?
Someone of your acquaintance
has charged a $400 lunch
to my account.
John, you don't know
the Underhills?
I'd appreciate the opportunity
of discussing this matter
with you.
(IN HIGH-PITCH VOICE)
I'm just out of the shower.
Can you wait a minute?
I just have to wee-wee.
Yes, of course.
Why did you do it?
Well, I don't think
it would be fair for you
to pay the bill.
A $400 lunch tab?
That's what I mean.
It's outrageous, isn't it?
It's way over the line.
I'll cover it.
Wait, you can't go out
looking that.
He might spot you.
Hold on.
You look like
you're the same size as Alan.
Put this on.
Nice suit.
Just return it.
Any other surprises?
Yeah.
My name is not
John Cocktoastin.
And I wasn't at your wedding.
Who are you?
I'm Irwin Fletcher.
And I write a newspaper column
under the name of Jane Doe.
And it's not
the food section, Gail.
So?
So...
Your husband hired me
to kill him.
UNDERHILL: Mrs. Stanwyk!
Mrs. Stanwyk!
In a minute!
Enough surprises.
What the hell
are you talking about?
Sit down.
Your husband told me
he was dying of cancer.
Is that true?
No. It's not true.
That ranch property
you thought you were
buying in Utah?
Not true.
He's a bad guy, Gail.
He's involved in something
very big and very bad.
Do you know a guy
named Jim Swarthout?
Yeah.
Swarthout's the man
who sold us the ranch.
Wrong.
He sold you $3,000
worth of scrub brush.
No. I saw the deed.
You saw a forgery.
This is the real deed.
See, there's Swarthout's name.
Now, if this were
at all legible,
you'd see what I meant.
Look, here's the dog
that tried to bite me.
Here's the motel I stayed in,
there's my car.
The dog tried to bite that.
Here's the Mormon Tabernacle.
Stop it. Stop.
He's told me
a lot of things.
So far, not one of them
has been true.
I'm sorry to have to tell you
these things.
UNDERHILL: Mrs. Stanwyk!
Wait! Just wait a minute!
I'm gonna call my father.
He'll know...
No, you can't.
Gail, please. Look,
I know you don't know me
from a hole in the wall
but you've gotta trust me.
Just give me 24 hours.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
UNDERHILL:
Mrs. Stanwyk!
You a Laker fan?
No.
Yeah, I'm coming.
Just a minute!
I'll take you to a game.
Mrs. Stanwyk!
Sorry. Thanks. Bye.
Wait. What are you
talking about?
I'm talking about how much
I'd like to take you
to a Laker game.
If you need me,
call the paper.
What am I supposed to do
for the next 24 hours?
Act natural.
I was afraid
you'd say that.
Oh, Jesus.
What's he doing
with the Chief?
FLETCH: Seeing Bone Cancer
and Chief Karlin together
might lead to a Page 1 item.
But without any real evidence,
Frank wouldn't even print it
in the want ads.
I had to keep digging,
without a shovel.
(POLICE SIRENS BLARING)
Afternoon, Smog Patrol.
Had your emissions checked?
No, sir.
Fluorocarbons? Ozone?
No, sir.
Well, let's check it out.
What do you say?
Giddyup.
Smells pretty good.
(WOMAN CHATTERING
ON POLICE RADIO)
That's him.
Unit 12, in pursuit.
Why don't you catch
some shuteye?
Just lay back and enjoy.
(SCREAMING)
Try to breathe
through your nose.
(SIREN WAILING)
I always use a little
chewing gum on these rides.
It filters out
the pollutants.
Oh, shit!
Of course you've got
some good grillwork there.
Keep out the ozone.
I gotta get this thing
up to 95,
check out
the fluorocarbon output.
Don't worry about
the speed limit here.
That's why we've got
the police escort.
You a cop?
As far as you know.
Are you gonna take me
to jail for car theft?
Why, did you steal the car?
I sure did!
Well, I'm not even sure
that's a crime anymore.
There've been a lot of changes
in the law.
OFFICER ON LOUDSPEAKER:
Pull to the right and stop.
Pull over.
Hey, look out for that truck!
(SHOUTING)
Nothing,
it's just a little game
I play with my buddies.
Kind of a hide-and-seek
kind of a thing.
They love it.
What a day!
Must be a stage two right
about here.
Do a little slipstreaming
and...
Whoa! There's Fred!
Won't he be surprised!
KID: Shit!
OFFICER: Can't you hear me?
I said pull over...
(OFFICER SHOUTING)
Uh-oh.
You got a license?
I didn't bring it with me.
Do you have one?
No.
Pull over, buddy!
FLETCH: Hey, Freddie,
how's the herpes? It hurt?
Pull over!
I did pull over before.
I'll pull over later.
Pull over!
All right, that's it.
You can turn your bike in
at the next depot.
You're a disgrace
to the force!
(KID SCREAMING)
Get going. Get the door.
Congratulations.
You passed the test.
Raise your left hand, please.
My men will be right with you.
(HUMMING)
(SPEAKING NONSENSICAL SPANISH)
MAN: Thelma Noble,
Ellis Lee Hereford,
Lee Weaver and Harold Ausley.
I would like you
to meet our friends
here on the dais.
So please hold your applause
until I'm finished.
To my left is
Kitty Domaine...
More coffee? There you go.
...Selby Desner,
Barbara Wattell,
Walter Smith,
Martha Sterling
and Paul Fleming.
And to my right,
Michael Kenyon,
Olivia D. Williams,
Otto Bailey,
Bea Dorfman.
And now, the Father
of Internal Bushings,
our very own
and beloved leader.
A man who needs
no introduction!
Thank you very much, Sammy.
Thank you!
I couldn't wait.
That was
a very nice introduction,
and I am very thrilled
and proud to be here today.
It's been a wonderful
ceremony so far.
Here on behalf
of our own Fred
"The Dorf" Dorfman!
Who is he?
Many of you don't know that
Fred was darn near death
recently.
And he wasn't ashamed
to admit to me
that he'd had syphilis.
Thank God he stopped it
in its tracks.
I must tell you
that it takes
a lot for a man
to admit
where he got it from
and how he got it.
I must say, look at him today.
Fred, you look just wonderful.
The nose looks normal again.
The face has come back
into shape.
And he's not drooling anymore,
it's a good sign.
And hats off to Marge,
his wife,
because that
whole experience there,
the two or three weeks
that she stayed at
Trembling Hills has paid off.
No more alcohol
or sedatives in her life.
There's so many other things
that I wanna tell you
about Fred,
things that maybe many of you
already know.
Sammy, you're not going
to sing for us, are you?
Did you know
that Fred spent a good deal
of his life
honoring a profession
that has gone largely unsung
around here?
Some of those boys
are here tonight.
The profession, of course,
is law enforcement.
I know Fred feels this way,
that too often our feelings
are locked in
and we feel restrained
and perhaps even embarrassed
to actually reach out
and touch
an officer of the law.
After all, they are people,
aren't they?
So why not stand up
and pat them on the back?
Go ahead, reach out.
Go ahead!
Shake hands with any one
of the guys you see here,
these men in blue.
Hug a cop!
Yeah, go ahead.
I said it.
Yeah!
That's a wonderful feeling!
I am so proud tonight!
(SINGING)
Oh, say, can you see
By the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hail'd
At the twilight's
last gleaming
Hip, hip, hooray!
Hip, hip, hooray!
ALL: Hooray!
Hooray! Hooray!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Mr. Stanwyk,
you are confirmed
on Pan Am Flight 441
to Rio de Janeiro
tomorrow evening, 11:00 p.m.,
first class.
That's terrific.
Thank you.
You reconfirmed
this morning.
You bet I did.
I'm a bear for detail.
I hope there's nobody
next to me.
You see,
I always travel first class
and I take both seats up.
I'm in bridge work.
Bridge construction.
These fold-outs take
a tremendous amount of space
up and I need the space.
I'm afraid there is someone
sitting next to you.
Oh, for God don don!
Who is it? Mr. Sinilindon?
No. The name is Cavanaugh.
Cavanaugh?
Oh. Is that Morris or Pierre?
Sally Ann Cavanaugh.
Sally Ann? Well, terrific.
In fact,
you purchased the ticket
for Miss Cavanaugh.
Doesn't mean I want her
sitting next to me, does it?
I'm sorry,
the flight's full.
She's connecting
out of Provo.
Oh. All right, fine.
Provo, Spain?
Utah.
Utah!
FLETCH: Listen, Frank,
don't give me any crap
about the beach story.
I'm at the airport.
FRANK ON PHONE:
The airport?
Listen, there are at least
two dozen cops after my ass.
I can't go to my house,
I can't go to the office.
I'm a man
without a country, Frank.
Fletch, if these cops
are really after you,
come in here.
You'll be okay.
I couldn't even get through
the front door.
Listen, I'm going to Utah.
You go to Utah,
you stay in Utah.
I'm turning the story over
to a professional reporter.
Frank, The story is Utah.
Trust me.
You're going to Utah?
Fine, fine, fine.
If your story is not
on my desk by 11:30,
you're out of a job.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Cujo?
Who the hell are you?
Get up!
I'm up.
Door was unlocked.
Lock's busted.
Well, there you have it.
I work for the landlord.
He told me to watch out
for the place.
Well, I commend him
on his choice.
What?
I commend him
on his choice.
I was supposed to meet
Mrs. Cavanaugh here.
Who are you?
I'm Don Corleone,
Mrs. Cavanaugh's cousin.
You know where she is?
Moved out.
Moved out?
(SCOFFING)
Isn't that something?
I just talked to her
last week. She didn't
say a thing about it.
She moved out.
So you're saying
she moved out.
This morning.
This morning?
God!
We had so much
to talk about.
You know,
Mo Green is out
of the Tropicana now.
My sons, Mike and Fredo,
are taking over.
What did you want
under the bed?
I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to
pull rank on you.
I didn't want to
have to do this.
I'm with the mattress police.
There are no tags
on these mattresses.
I have to take you downtown.
Now, give me the weapon.
(COCKS GUN)
I'm calling the cops.
This is for the cops.
Come on, man, will you?
I'm her cousin.
Tell the cops.
Okay, you wanna call the cops?
Call the cops.
Better tie
your shoelaces first.
(GRUNTS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Thanks a lot!
Hey, Stretch,
what's happening?
I got
an unbelievable story here.
Yeah? Great.
What can I do?
Write this down.
Sally Ann Cavanaugh.
Sally Ann Cavanaugh.
Check every hotel in LA.
Start with the ones
near the airport.
He's supposed to leave
the country with her
tomorrow night.
Got that, honey?
I love your body, Larry.
(WHOOPS)
Good afternoon.
Howdy.
You know, they ought
to recall these things.
You hit one good bump
out here and, boom,
the whole
rear window explodes.
Are you Mr. Marvin Stanwyk?
Yeah.
Hi there. I'm Harry S. Truman
from Casewell Insurance
Underwriters.
Harry S. Truman?
Yeah, well,
my were big fans
of the former president.
Isn't that nice?
He was a good man.
He sure was.
He showed the Japs
a thing or two.
Oh, yeah, he dropped
the big one, huh?
He dropped two big ones
on them.
He was a real fighter.
Yeah.
You in the insurance line,
Harry?
That's right.
Well, I'm fully covered.
Oh, I don't doubt it,
Mr. Stanwyk.
FLETCH:
Actually, my company is
the sub-insurers
of the subsidiary carriers
of a policy
held by Alan Stanwyk,
who I believe is your son.
Yeah, he is.
(CHUCKLING)
Mr. Truman,
I want you to meet
my wife, Velma.
Oh, my pleasure.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Come on up here and sit down,
have a glass of lemonade.
Thank you.
Velma makes
the most unusual lemonade.
Is that right?
It's kind of hard
to keep it cold
on a day like this.
Where you from, Harry?
I'm from California.
San Berdoo.
Yeah. Utah is part
of my route.
Say, you folks don't mind
if I ask you a couple
of questions, do you?
Shoot.
Thank you very much.
We'll just start
with a couple
of the routine things.
You and your wife
are currently alive,
I take it?
Harry, if there's...
It's just regulations.
Now,
you, Marvin,
and your wife named Velma...
Velma.
...are the parents
of one Alan Stanwyk
of Beverly Hills,
Executive Vice President
of Boyd Aviation.
Check.
Check.
And when was the last time
you saw Alan?
Oh, about ten days ago.
Ten days ago?
Yeah, he comes and visits us
about every three weeks.
Isn't that nice?
How long has he
been doing that?
Since he moved to LA.
Now, you'll pardon me
if I seem a bit personal here,
but I don't know
how to put it.
We understand that there's
a young lady friend here
in Provo
that Alan's been seeing.
What's this got to do
with insurance?
Oh, trust me, Marvin,
this is
a comprehensive policy.
Well, you can forget about
that lady friend business.
Alan is
the most loving husband
a girl could have.
He dotes on that bride of his.
Who?
His wife.
You've met her?
Well, of course we have.
He brings her with him.
Has Alan ever mentioned
the name Sally Ann Cavanaugh
to you?
Has he?
Boy, what in the hell's
the matter with you?
He has, then?
Of course he has.
That's his wife.
Of course.
His wife's name is
Sally Ann Cavanaugh then.
I...
Cute as a button.
You wouldn't happen
to have a picture of Alan
and his bride,
would you, handy?
Oh, sure,
we've got lots of pictures.
Let me get you some.
Great.
Still married are they,
Alan and Sally Ann?
Yes, they are.
How long have they been
married, Marvin?
It was before
he moved to LA.
Eight years April.
This keeps getting heavier
each year.
There we are.
There, there it is.
That's the one.
Oh, my goodness.
She is a button,
isn't she?
Isn't she cute?
Say, could I borrow
this picture for a while?
I promise to send it back.
It's routine.
The actuarial people...
Oh, that's all right.
We have lots more.
Want to see the reception?
No, no, thank you.
I'm trying to quit.
Well, how about Marvin's
65th birthday party?
How about that, Marvin?
MARVIN: They got a picture
of me in here.
But they...
Remember how much you drank
that day?
This is Alan? Son of a bitch!
I can't believe this!
It's really Alan,
and it's really bigamy.
How long have they
been married?
About eight years.
Who is this woman?
I don't know, Gail,
I think it's Alan's
high school sweetheart.
Her name is Sally Ann
something or other.
Alan's been keeping
a lot of things secret lately.
I'm gonna call the police.
No, no.
No, Gail, you can't do that.
Yes, I am.
And I'm calling my father.
Just give me
one more day, okay?
Just one more day.
Why, what for?
Do you have any idea
how humiliating this is?
Yes, I do.
I really do.
Remember what I told you?
Tomorrow night you have
a club meeting.
You stay away from the house,
all right?
I'll take care of him.
Don't worry about it.
She looks like a hooker.
Look at her.
Look at her.
Could you love someone
who looked like that?
What are you talking about?
Of course not.
Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.
That's funny.
I know. Listen.
Why don't we both relax
and go in there and lie down
and I'll fill you in?
This is a really good time
to make a pass at me.
Gum?
Who? Go somewhere else.
Gum, it's me.
Fletch. Really, is that you?
Don't say "Fletch."
Don't say my name.
Shut up.
Okay.
Don't look at me, lay back.
I gotta talk to you,
all right?
All right, all right.
About what?
There're cops all around here,
and they're after me.
What? You mean those surfers
over there?
Just lay back down.
Don't point.
Just lay back, all right?
Okay, okay.
Fletch, why they after you?
They're after me because
I'm a newspaper reporter.
And I'm nailing Chief Karlin
as the major drug source
on this beach.
Sit back.
Fat Sam's turning
state's evidence.
What's that?
He wrote me
a very nice deposition.
He says
he just received the drugs
and you did all the selling.
He said what?
Fletch, he's lying.
Man, honest, Fletch.
I didn't sell nothing, man.
You gotta believe me.
I didn't sell anything.
I just carried the drugs
from the Chief to Sam.
That's it.
Sure you did.
Sure you did, Gum.
Fletch, Fletch, honest, man.
That's all I did.
Twenty years, Gum,
twenty years in prison.
Unless you want
to play ball.
You don't leave me much
of a choice, I guess.
Fletch, you all right?
Yeah, I'm all right.
These robes...
I got another question
for you.
Where does the Chief
get his drugs from?
I don't know.
Have fun. Don't bend over
for the soap.
Fletch. Fletch, okay, okay.
It's somewhere
in South America.
Mind if I sit here?
Fletch? Man.
You don't know me, Sam.
My pleasure, brother.
I'm a reporter, Sam.
I'm breaking the story
on the drug traffic
around here.
Gummy's turning
state's evidence.
I got good proof
it's the Chief.
You gonna bust the Chief?
I'm gonna bust the Chief.
I could use your help.
I'm a slave
to that son of a bitch.
He busted me,
third offense.
Gave me my choice,
push for him or do 15 long.
Now, all I get out of this
is free junk.
You don't have a piece
of the action?
No. Free junk, that's it.
Hey, how you doing?
Albert Einstein's forehead.
You like it?
I won it in a raffle.
Excuse me.
Fellows, stay with me,
will you?
Fletch?
What's up? What's up?
I'm quitting
as of midnight tonight.
Who are these guys?
This is Fat Sam
and this is Gummy.
Fellows, come with me.
These are their statements
naming Chief Karlin
as the number-one drug pusher
from here to Oxnard.
I want them to have
federal protection sponsored
by the paper.
Is that okay, Frank?
FLETCH: Sit down in there,
anywhere you...
That's good.
Make yourselves comfortable.
This is wonderful.
This is...
I'm out, Frank.
You lost faith in me.
Fletch, I got nervous.
Come on.
Forget it.
I'm writing the story.
Just hold
the last two paragraphs
till 10:00, okay?
You want an apology?
You were going
to can me, right?
No, not really.
Not really?
I was upset. You know.
Okay.
Jesus, I'm sick
of this place. Ow.
I'm gonna try out
for the Lakers. They need
a good power forward.
Fletch, this is
a hell of a story.
Thanks.
Now, about these guys...
Don't worry about them.
They're just fine.
You don't have any valuables
in there, Vicki Morgan tapes
or anything?
(EXCLAIMING)
ALAN: Good evening.
I like your outfit.
Did you bring the 50 grand
and the tickets?
Of course.
Oh, oh, oh.
You forgot your rubber gloves.
You're planning on killing me,
aren't you?
You catch on real quick,
Mr. Nugent.
That's a pretty hostile thing
to do, don't you think?
Well, you were gonna kill me.
I look at this simply
as self-defense.
Now, if you would be so kind
as to put your passport
on my desk.
You're wearing my suit.
Where did you get that?
I said,
where did you get my suit,
Mr. Nugent?
The name's Fletcher.
I'm a newspaper reporter.
I write a column
under the name of Jane Doe.
What the hell is this?
Read this.
Look, I don't have time
for your nonsense.
Cut the crap.
Come downstairs and read this.
I'm not going anywhere.
Unless my people
hear differently, that letter
goes out at midnight.
"Dear Mr. Boyd,
Alan Stanwyk murdered
me tonight.
"Charred remains found
by the police in the Jaguar
are mine, not his.
"Mr. Stanwyk, using my name
and passport,
boarded Pan Am Flight 306.
"On arrival, he intends
to establish..."
Pretty hefty.
Keep reading.
"...with his legal wife,
the former
Sally Ann Cavanaugh..."
Don't stop, Alan.
Uh-oh, the missus.
What are you doing here?
I already know most of it.
I just want to hear the rest
from you.
He doesn't read my stuff
very well.
Let me take a crack at it.
"Sally Ann and Alan were
married eight years ago,
"never divorced,
making Stanwyk a bigamist,
even in Utah.
"Stanwyk is also traveling
with $3 million in cash,
"the result of Gail Stanwyk's
conversion
of Boyd Aviation stock."
It's true, isn't it?
"Sally Ann can confirm
all this
"when the police pick her up
at the Airport Marriott."
That's where she is,
isn't it?
"By the way,
Alan is a very big
drug smuggler.
"But you can read
all about that
in tomorrow's paper.
"Sincerely, I.M. Fletcher.
PS, Have a nice day."
Bravo, Mr. Fletcher. Bravo.
You know,
what tipped it for me was
something your wife said
while we were
in bed together.
Oh? And what was that?
Curiously, she said
we had roughly the same build.
From the waist up,
I imagine.
Then I figured it.
You bump me off,
plop me in the car
and burn me up.
What the heck,
same bone structure.
You son of a bitch.
But I'm not a stupid
son of a bitch.
I was already prepared
to commit one murder,
ass face.
What makes you think
I won't commit two, huh?
Whoops.
"Whoops."
What do you mean, "Whoops"?
Don't say "Whoops."
I mean, by the time
your story's published,
I'll be on the beach.
And I understand extradition
from South America
is very complicated.
I'll bet for two murders,
it's even more so.
That thing loaded?
If you shoot me,
you're liable to lose a lot
of those humanitarian awards.
Tough shit, Hopalong.
KARLIN: Greetings, everyone.
Thank God, the police.
Jesus, what in the hell
are you doing here?
Put the gun down, Alan.
I can take care of them.
I thought you had
this all figured out.
Nice going, Irwin.
Don't ever
call me Irwin, okay?
Fat Sam left the beach today.
So had Gummy.
It began to occur to me
that maybe there's some things
happening here that I should
become aware of.
Look, I said
I'll take care of this.
Now, it doesn't involve you.
Now, go on home.
I'll call you tomorrow.
What? Long distance?
Couldn't help but overhear
you say something
about South American
extradition.
Jerry.
Alan, you're not planning
on taking that $800,000
I staked you with
for the next load, are you?
Looks like you two
have a lot to talk over.
We'll just catch
the last ten minutes
of Dynasty.
Jerry, come on, now.
You're gonna have to trust me!
I got a foolproof way
to get rid of this asshole,
and you're jeopardizing
everything!
Your foolproof way
is gonna land my butt
on the front page
while you're basking
in the sun!
With your money.
(GAIL SCREAMING)
The second one's gonna be
even more fun.
Go ahead, make my day.
(GAIL SCREAMS)
Thanks.
FRANK:
No, this is getting absurd.
"One Bob Haldeman wig,
a gorilla suit."
That's a gibbon suit.
"Tennis shorts,
leather sneakers,
wrist bands."
It's business, Frank.
Believe me, I hate tennis.
What's novelty teeth?
Frank, it's all business.
Frank, it's all business!
"A nun's habit.
Six tubes of Crazy Glue."
Oh, that's personal.
Right, take it out
of my raise.
You're not getting a raise.
Did I say... Come on.
I would think the DA
would need these tickets
for evidence.
Not necessarily.
Not necessarily?
Larry!
In the court ruling
US vs. Fishbein,
a man subjected
to potential incineration
while wearing
another man's suit
is entitled to $10,000
worth of airline tickets.
It's an obscure ruling
but a very important one
to me.
Why don't you just say
that you want to take me
to Rio with you?
There's a different slant.
The thing is, see,
we haven't really
dated formally.
I always take my first dates
to a Laker game.
I don't want to go
to a Laker game.
(INAUDIBLE)
I don't like basketball.
Maybe that's because
you don't understand
basketball.
You haven't been schooled
in the fundamentals.
Pick and roll.
Sounds like
a fast-food chain.
Reverse stuff.
That I've done.
I'll bet you have,
you little vixen.
FLETCH: The coroner had
certified Stanwyk dead
or extremely sleepy.
And Chief Karlin was facing
20 years in the fun house.
I decided to accompany
Gail to Rio
and personally assist her
in her grief therapy.
On the beach,
I explained basketball to her,
but she didn't seem
to grasp it.
Fletch?
Call me Irwin.
Why do they have to bounce
the ball the whole time?
I mean, doesn't it seem
a little childish to you?
Well, it may seem that,
but that's called dribbling.
Dribbling?
If they don't keep
bouncing the ball,
they get called
for traveling.
Traveling. Oh.
Yeah, that's what they call it
when you don't bounce
the ball.
FLETCH:
When it came to basketball,
Gail was a loss.
But we had our own version
of one-on-one,
and she thought I was
the bravest man in the world,
which, of course, I am.
By the way, I charged
the entire vacation
to Mr. Underhill's
American Express card.
Want the number?