Fletch Lives (1989) Movie Script
Los Angeles late at night is much like
any big American city late at night.
At 2:00 a.m. People are either
making a mess or cleaning it up.
Tonight's my night
to do the cleaning up.
My name, most of the time,
is Irwin Fletcher.
I write under the name of Jane
Doe. That's the kind of gal I am.
This is a Greek seafood house,
part of a very successful chain.
But, believe me,
it's not because of the food.
113,000
from basketball.
List it as codfish.
120,000 from
the Gonzalez fight.
That includes 60 from
our chain in the Valley.
Twenty from Long Beach.
120 total.
Put that
under halibut.
180,000
from the track.
Scrod.
We already got over two
million in scrod this month.
Scrod's making a comeback,
all right?
So how are you listing
my stake?
Breakage.
$ 75,000 worth of breakage?
We're Greeks! We dance,
we break plates, we're clumsy!
Cut the fighting. We gotta
be cross town in 30 minutes.
You wanna wash up?
Nah. My wife gets suspicious if I come
home and my hands don't smell like fish.
I got it.
You get the lights.
Where's Poppa?
In the back.
Tell him to snap it up. We'll meet him
in the car. Phil, I'll drop you off first.
You better.
- Hi.
- What's your name, little lady?
My name? Peggy Lee... Zorba.
Peggy Lee Zorba.
- You're cute!
- Do you mind if I freshen up a little bit?
Splash a little water
on my face.
Whatever makes you
feel sexy.
Okay.
Just wait outside.
I'll be right out.
What the hell was that?
- Jesus.! If it's a cop, kill him.
- Hi. Mary Poppins!
If it's a reporter,
cripple him.
You're never driving again!
I just did what
you told me to do.
There's a new thing called
brakes.! Will you shut up.!
Good. Brilliant as usual, Fletch.
We'll run it in the next edition.
Great. See you
in two weeks.
Uh, Fletch, there's... "Uh, Fletch"?
Frank, I see a double-cross in your eyes.
You promised me a vacation and I'm
taking it. Right after the sewer story.
What are you talking about?
You can't do this to me.
I spent eight nights on my knees for you
dressed like Dolly Parton at a funeral.
I got felt up. I got
dishpan hands and sore knees!
Three guys tried to kill me.
And do you give a crap?
You promised me a vacation!
And you're gonna get a vacation.
As soon as you research and write the
sewer system expose. You owe me a vacation!
In July you're gonna have it!
That's two months away.
That's why you're such a great
reporter. You know the facts.
By the way, the new computer
disallowed your undocumented expenses.
- It'll come out of this week's pay.
- You can't do that.
There's nothing I can do about it. It's
amazing. It's all done automatically.
On top of everything else,
I think I'm getting my period.
No wonder I got a fumigation
alert. How'd you get in here?
The window was open.
I knocked, and I could swear
I heard you say, "Come in."
You really know how to cover your ass, Gillet.
Although those pants are a huge mistake.
You owe me $4,381
in back alimony.
What? I was married to you?
You're right. I've been foolishly
squandering my salary on food and heat.
You have one week to comply
with Judge Proctor's orders.
Payment in full.
Otherwise you go to jail.
Wendy doesn't need
the money.
I hear she's been... banging some
balding, wimpy lawyer who can't get it up.
- May I see that?
- Be my guest.
It's a nice briefcase.
Couldn't guess your weight?
Oh! I'm sorry.
I got it.
Never mind,
I'll take care of it.
Look at this. A note from
the Oakwood Potency Clinic.
"Sorry to inform you, our machines cannot
process sperm counts as low as yours."
Here we are. What
about this? Be careful!
Uh-oh!
I am terribly sorry!
You did that intentionally.
No, I did not. I really didn't.
That was good juice too.
Leave it alone.
Good idea. My mistake. Where
are you going with that?
My mess.
I'll clean it up.
- What are you doing?
- What's this?
You are damaging personal
property and I'm gonna...
The ink is running.
I didn't expect that.
There we are!
Clean as a whistle.
Thanks for coming by, Marvin.
Expect to hear from my lawyer.
Oh, Gillet, one more thing. Come
back here. It's very important.
They're doing a thing now where they make an
incision in the scalp, push the hair together.
Or you could try a transplant. Maybe the hair
from your ass might make you smarter. Bye.
Betty, how 'bout lunch
at the In-N-Out Burger?
I'm not hungry.
Forget the burger. How about
just the "in and out"?
Very well.
How about just the "in"?
Ooh!
Fletch, answer your phone.
In-N-Out Burger.
May I take your order please?
Mr. Irwin Fletcher?
This is Amanda Ray Ross. I
represented your Aunt Belle Fletcher.
Good ol' Aunt Belle.
How the hell is she?
She's deceased, Mr. Fletcher.
Oh. I guess she could be better.
- You're a hard man to find.
- I was touring with the Stones. What can I do for you?
Didn't you get my message?
No.
I'm the executor of your aunt's
will and as such I can inform you...
you are the major beneficiary of
your aunt's estate, Belle Isle.
What about this expense... $58
for leg waxing? That's bullshit.
Yeah, but feel how smooth
they are.
It consists of 80 acres
of old plantation property.
Wait a minute. Did you say
plantation? Yes, indeed.
She left it to me? According
to her will, she did.
- Can I get back to you?
- Hair by Ziggy? Who's Ziggy?
5-0-4... Shut up, Frank. Yeah.
I'll get right back to you.
Can't we just return some of these
things? What about the lingerie?
- I ate it.
- Be serious for one minute.
I quit.
I'm not unreasonable about
legitimate expenses. I quit, Frank.
Yeah. On the sewer story, I'm gonna
advance you for the hip boots and wet suit.
Frank, I'm really quitting.
Fletch, look, I got a little
A-frame up at Arrowhead.
Why don't you go there, take
a couple of weeks, relax?
I'm really gonna miss you.
Maybe that's an overstatement.
Treat this as good news. You can
always write my Jane Doe column.
You're not gonna quit,
and I'll tell you why.
Why? You have journalistic integrity.
Yeah. And you have a sense of loyalty.
And you'll never give up the
quest for truth, will you?
You're right. I can't abandon the principles
that nurtured me lo these many years.
Wrap them up with the shit on my desk and
have them shipped to my mansion in Louisiana.
Bye.
What happened?
And my husband said I was crazy to
go 2,000 miles to have my nose done.
That's an interesting watch.
Is it a prize of some sort?
No. It certainly looks like one.
It's a championship
Laker watch.
Oh! Are you a Laker?
I used to date one. Only thing
I have to remember him by.
Lord, what was that?
We just clipped a Piper Cub. The
pilot's okay. I just saw him parachuting.
I love a man
with a sense of humor.
What did you say
your name was?
Nostradamus.
I'm Cindy Mae Sample.
Nostradamus.
I love the Fightin' Irish.
Lord, I hate to fly. I wish I was
gettin' off in Thibodaux like you.
It's two more stops to Selma. All
those ups and downs and ups and downs.
You should try
holding your breath.
Sometimes that works.
Belle Isle.
% We are calling%
% We are calling%
Belle Isle. % While our
heads are bending low%
% Can you hear%
% Our gentle voices calling%
% Old White Joe% %
Thank you, Betty Lee.
Look, Colonel, the folks
have come to serenade you.
They love you so much.
I love them too.
Give me that, boy!
Thank you, sir.
Quiet down.
- Uncle Frank?
- Yes, sir?
- You know my favorite tune.
- Sure do, Colonel.
Would you mind if I sat
in your lap, Colonel?
Please do, Betty Lee.
Please do.
The field hands would like to
dance for you. Dance for me?
Why, I'll dance for them!
Yes, sir! % Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
Zip-a-dee-ay%
% My, oh, my
what a wonderful day%
% Plenty of sunshine
headin' my way% You bet!
% Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
Zip-a-dee-ay%
% Mr. Bluebird's
on my shoulder%
% Ain't it the truth
It's actual%
% Everything is satisfactual%
% Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
Zip-a-dee-ay%
% Wonderful feeling%
% Wonderful day% %
You made it,
Mr. Notre Dame.
Mr. Fletcher.
I'm Amanda Ray Ross.
I spoke with you on the
phone. Oh, yes. That was you?
Great.
Do you have any luggage?
Just one piece.
Plannin' on stayin' long?
Just long enough to see Mount Rushmore
and squeeze in a little ice fishing.
I'm on the board of
the Pontchartrain Society.
We help preserve and restore
some of these lovely mansions.
We headed to Belle Isle?
- You must be dying to see it, Mr. Fletcher.
- Call me Fletch.
Your house is not quite as grand as
some of the others in the neighborhood.
It doesn't matter. It's the thought
that counts. Eighty acres, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Isn't it strikin'?
Your aunt tried to keep things
in their natural state.
She ever brush her hair?
- I can see you're disappointed.
- No, not at all!
A little spackling and some napalm,
this place would make a nice mausoleum.
Oh, my God!
Are you all right?
Oh! I was aimin' to fix
that today. How do you do?
I be Calculus Entterby.
You be Mr. And Mrs. Fletcher?
I be Fletch. Geometry Fletch.
She be Miss Trigonometry Ross.
Pleased, I'm sure. Your Aunt Belle
told me you'd be takin' over the place,
and I'm extendin'
my "condulations."
Right. You work here?
Your Aunt Belle and I,
we had an arrangement.
And I was hopin' we could
make an extenuation of it.
Help me get your stuff
out the car here. Come on.
You mind your step.
Our families go back
for hundreds of years.
Your great grandparents owned my great
grandparents and that's how it all started.
Did you ever hear of the
Emancipation Proclamation?
I heard somethin' about it,
but I don't recall exactly.
- It didn't get much publicity around these here parts.
- I'll bet.
Excuse me, sir.
Could you give me a hand?
R-Right here.
Just pull it towards you.
Just pull it.
Come on, come on.
Just pull it.
Just pull it on over.
That's it, that's it.
Don't scar the car.
Is there any electricity
or gas?
Everything works.
No cable TV, I guess.
If I'd known you was comin', I'd have straightened
out a bit and stocked your refrigerator.
No food?
No refrigerator.
We need to do some paperwork.
Want a lift into town?
What? And leave my estate unattended?
It's not yours till you sign.
I can make you some dinner,
ease the culture shock.
That sounds great.
Should I be doin' anything?
No, not really.
Uh, soon as you get that trunk
upstairs and have finished your nap,
I guess you could fix that step and jump
down, turn around and pick a bale of cotton.
And while I'm gone, see to it Miss Scarlett
stays away from the Union Army, will you?
More wine?
You're not trying to take
advantage of me, are you?
Not yet.
You need to sign these papers.
Do you mind
if I read 'em first?
Be my guest. Had you talked
to your aunt recently?
That depends on your view of
history. It's been 16 years.
Sign all three?
Please.
I was just wonderin' because she changed
her will three weeks before she died.
Well, lucky for me.
Why'd she do that?
I don't know. She was old. Seemed
to be under a lot of strain.
Dying always does that to you.
Congratulations. You know, you can make
yourself some good money out of this.
A Realtor contacted me with an
unusually high offer... 225,000.
- Dollars?
- Mm-hmm.
Let me ask you this:
If they're so anxious, don't you think if
I wait a little longer, they might go up?
- They might.
- And I just got here, didn't I?
No sale?
While you're thinking about it, what
are you gonna do with the land, Fletch?
I don't know. Raise chitlins... the
chitlin' market as high as it is.
They're mean little animals, but
their coats are worth a fortune.
$225,000?
What do you think I oughta do?
If I were you, I would
proceed slowly and carefully.
That's my specialty.
- Would you like some dessert?
- What do you have in mind?
How 'bout something sweet...
and Southern?
I borrowed your toothbrush.
Would've used your razor, but it looks like
you've been doing some gardening with it.
Gee, I can't believe
we slept this late.
Amanda? Want to drive
into Belle Isle?
I guess not.
It was good,
but not that good.
'Morning, Mr. Fletcher. If that's
your real name. I'm Billy Jo Hendrick.
Howdy.
What's your relationship
to Amanda Ray?
She was my attorney.
She was working on my briefs.
- You come into town, y'all just hit it off?
- So to speak.
Sparks just flew. That's
what you're gonna tell me.
Wonder why things like that
never happen to me?
Wonder why!
Were y'all usin' some drugs you brought
in from California by any chance?
Just some Beaujolais.
Beaujolais?
It's a pretty popular drug
made from grapes?
- You feel like makin' a statement?
- A statement?
"Ask not what your country can do for
you, ask what you can do for your country."
I guess you just wanna make
it hard on everybody.
Well, let's see how you feel after
some time in the tank. Y'all come.
All of us?
Just you.
- What's the charge?
- Pissin' me off.
Is that a felony or a
misdemeanor? That's it!
You're cleaner than most
of the ones we get around here.
You smell nice.
I expect you'll be popular.
Do you realize you have
to read me my rights?
Or at least find someone who
can read to do it for you.
A little gamy in here.
Not much ventilation, huh?
How's the chow?
You know, you really shouldn't wear so
much eye makeup. It makes you look cheap.
You're sittin' on my bunk.
Sorry.
Shut up!
Take your pants off.
Ah, I don't even know
your name.
Bend over.
Ben? Nice to meet you.
Victor Hugo.
You wouldn't happen to have a middle name,
would you? Everybody else here seems to.
- What are you in for, Ben?
- Molesting a dead horse.
Ooh, there's no crime in that.
That's your right as an American.
I'm tryin' to cut down myself.
His missus hit him on the head with a ball
pein hammer whilst he was eatin' sausage...
and almost choked him
to death.
Okay, beautiful, let's hope another long
night in the tank has sobered you up.
Ben?
If I don't hear from you on Valentine's
Day, I'll be very disappointed.
Mr. Johnson, I'm surprised
to see you here.
Judge Watkins usually assigns
these small potatoes to Billy Ray.
Well, he's on vacation. This is the price
I pay for the proximity of my office.
Excuse me. Sir?
You don't have a card,
do you? Or a price list?
Well, matter of fact,
I do.
I'm Hamilton Johnson.
I'm an attorney at law.
You take other cases or you just
specialize in transvestite necrophiliacs?
Not enough evidence
to hold you.
Just a petty form of intimidation putting
you in a cell with that Neanderthal.
She wasn't so bad. If she'd just
fix up her hair and shave her back.
It's so embarrassin', this sort of
thing still goes on in the New South.
'Course, 20 years ago a Yankee like
you could've been lyin' in the ditch.
I'm assumin', of course,
that you had nothin' whatsoever
to do with the death of Amanda Ray.
Sure hope not.
Hop in.
I was shocked
to hear about this.
She was such
a dear friend.
So tragic...
when this happens to
somebody so young and healthy.
Was she feelin' all right last
night? She felt great to me.
Just smell that soft
Southern air.
It's so sad to see this
beautiful pastoral countryside...
blighted by the greed of a few men
in pursuit of the almighty dollar.
That's my place
over there.
The trees just beyond it screen off the
Bibleland Amusement Park in the daytime,
but at night, they do make
a hell of a racket.
- Thanks for everything, Hamilton.
- Most welcome. Just call me Ham.
Ham, call me Fletch.
All right, Fletch.
Anything I can do to help ya.
Fletch!
- Might I give you some personal advice?
- Is it free?
To the sheriff and his sort
of people, you're an outsider.
Guilty in spite of the law.
Should I get outta town
before sundown?
It's not that bad, but...
if I were you,
lookin' for peace and quiet...
Well, they can make it
a might uncomfortable for ya.
It's gonna take time.
Thanks, Ham.
Bye.
My pleasure.
Anything I can do for ya.
Welcome back. I thought you run
off for good. Does this car run?
Yeah, but Miss Belle stopped
drivin' it when the brakes ran out.
I run a few errands
from time to time,
but if you wanna stop it,
you got to think ahead.
Hmm. I finally got the place
straightened out for you.
Mm-hmm. When was that?
Back in 1970?
Your Aunt Belle, she lived in this
one room. Didn't take up much space.
Calculus?
Hmm?
You don't see
a spider, do you?
Spiders is good. They eats the
cockroaches. Yeah, sure they do.
Mister Owl.
This is more like it. This
is what I came here for.
Yes, sir.
Peace and quiet.
Scum, scum, scum.!
Go back to where you come.!
- Friends of yours?
- Nothin' to me.
"The loyal sons of the...
Buford, where's the cross.
Did you bring the cross?
"White race will not allow
any kind of alien infection...
to invade our beloved land."
Scum, scum, scum.
Go back to where you come.
Let's do it together.
Scum, scum, scum. Go back...
Get the hell outta here
and go home! Scum! Pigs!
Sorry I'm late.
Who goes there?
Henry Himmler.
What klavan claims you?
California klavan, Cucamonga.
California?
Yeah. I was passing through town and was
lookin' for something to do this evening.
There was nothing goin' on at the
Rotary Club. I heard about this.
Welcome, Henry.
I'm the Grand Kleagle.
Oh.
California thing.
Pig-faced scum!
What's the occasion here? Oh, some
undesirable carpetbagger... I think.
Damn! Boys, I just got a closer
peek. There's nobody in there.
We're wasting our time.
- And I washed all these sheets.!
- Wh-Who's this?
Oh. Sorry. Hi, fellas. Hank Himmler.
Hi, Hank.
The cross won't burn, nobody home.
Hell, it ain't like it used to be.
You said it.
I couldn't get more than 13 guys out here
tonight. Five of them are green recruits.
Kinda stand-ins, you
know what I mean? Yeah.
We call 'em Klookies.
Klookies?
That's good! Of course,
it's just a contract job.
Yeah.
Contract job?
Yeah.! We've been havin' a terrible
time down here. We've had to rent out.
Here I come!
Gene Hackman, kick your ass.
They're speakin' some kind
of African dialect!
Hi.
'Morning.
- Mr. Fletcher?
- As far as you know.
I'm Becky Ann Culpepper.
Thibodaux Realty.
I'd offer you some coffee and eggs
Benedict, but we're all out of Benedict.
Thanks.
I've already eaten.
What can I do to...
for you?
Mr. Fletcher, you may have heard that there's
a party interested in acquiring your property.
A substantial offer.
How substantial?
$250,000.
Whew!
I don't know.
I had big plans for this place.
Mini mall with a yogurt bar
and a tanning parlor.
Well, Mr. Fletcher,
all I know is $250,000...
is a mighty generous price
for land in this area.
Who's your client?
I'm not at liberty to say.
Well, then I'm not
at liberty to sell.
This is a tremendous
opportunity.
I'll tell you what. I'll consult with
my people who will contact their people,
and they'll get in touch
with your people.
Who are your people?
- Who are yours?
- As I said, I have to keep that confidential.
Very well. I'll just have my people
contact each other. Keep 'em busy.
All right. Well, just keep
me in mind. Here's my card.
Oh, I'll keep you in mind.
Hope we can do this again
sometime soon.
In about 10 minutes?
That night I decided to return
to the scene of the crime.
It gave me a chance to check out my new
car and practice my parallel parking.
So far the only really good
suspect in Amanda's death was me,
and I was pretty sure
that I didn't do it.
Amanda knew more than she'd let on,
but the only clue she'd left me...
was a reference to Aunt Belle
changing her will just before she died.
I knew the local police force was
watching her place carefully...
so there'd be no trouble
getting in.
Over the years I found Mr. Underhill's
credit card to be a useful tool...
much like Underhill himself.
As usual, I was willing to risk my life
just to get a peek into a filing cabinet.
I love them when they're unlocked, neatly
organized and tell me what I wanna know.
Belle's legal files
were in good order...
with the exception of something missing
under the heading of "Bluebird. '"
My aunt had almost left
Belle Isle to some minister.
Obviously at one time
he must have touched her deeply.
Since she changed her mind, I guess
he didn't touch her deeply enough...
or in the right place.
Thank you very much. Couldn't
find that light switch.
What the hell you doin' here? This is a
restricted area. Didn't you see the sign?
Signs? Signs! That's all I
see is signs. Look at this.
Stressed out "dormants" on the windows, walls
that are deplaning to an alarming degree.
Deplaning? This house is obviously
infested with reticulermes Mario Cuomos.
What's that?
What's what?
Reticulermes. You can't even
say it yourself.
They are deadly African
microscopic termites.
They can eat a hundred times
their weight in five minutes.
Much like yourself. From the
look of things, I'd say...
this place is about ready
to collapse. Who are you?
Billie Jean King, Bug Busters.
My van is parked out front.
Mr. King, I don't know nothin'
about no Bug Busters.
The surgeon general was right.
They've been mighty busy here.
The only time you can
catch 'em is at night.
Aha! I got one!
See that?
These little buggers are the
piranhas of the insect world.
The only thing they like better
than wood is human flesh. Really?
You bet. If you can't see it,
how do you know you got one?
I'm glad I asked that question. They
make this horrible high-pitched noise.
It's kinda like a tiny little
scream. Can you hear that?
Can you hear that? It's
like a tiny little piglet.
No? Uh-oh. I seem to have
dropped it in your ear. You what?
That's all right.
We better get that. Can't let that nest
in there. They multiply by masturbation.
The only way to get that out is to
get as close to the floor as you can.
Go on down to the floor. That's right.
They're drawn to the floorboards.
Now shake your head like you're
trying to get water out of your ear.
That's good. But hit it... No, hit
it harder. This side. That's right.
Now make that scream. That'll
draw 'em out. Squeal like a pig.
A little higher.
Hey, I found the queen!
I found the queen! I don't believe
it. No one's ever found a queen.
I gotta get this to the lab
and get a stool sample.
After my close call with Miss
Piggy, I couldn't wait to get home.
My head was filled
with decorating ideas.
I didn't have a lot of money, but I
could move the pool closer to the house.
I could see I wasn't gonna get
much privacy.
- Who's there?
- It's Avon calling.
Oh.! It's you.!
- I'd like to talk to you for a minute.
- Yeah, come on in.
Come on in. Have a seat.
Make yourself at home.
What's on your mind?
Well...
What do you do?
Mud wrestle in this thing?
I'm sorry about that,
but I won it in a raffle.
Must be an art to sitting
in one of these. Lost art.
You get the Lakers? I'm lucky
if I can get Wheel of Fortune.
Do you know any reason why somebody
would want to buy this land?
Insect research.
Boston two-and-a-halfback
of the Yankees.
I have an offer
for $250,000.
Take the money and run!
What you thinkin'?
What do you know about
this Farnsworth Ministry?
Jimmy Lee Farnsworth? Down
here everybody knows about him.
Your Aunt Belle used to
watch him when she was laid up.
...And that is
have you've been saved?
I know that there are a lot
of you out there tonight...
that the devil has got a good, firm grip
around your neck and is choking you to death.!
Amen!
I want you to send
whatever you can afford.
If you've got a thousand
dollars in the bank,
don't be afraid to send
the whole thousand dollars.
I need your money. Bibleland
is only halfway there.
Bible... land.
The most important attraction...
since the crucifixion
itself.
Immediate seating
for the 5:00 service.
The 5:00 service
is about to begin.
Immediate seating
for the 5:00 service.
Welcome, sinner.
Praise the Lord!
Bless you, bless her, bless
him. Hallelujah! Name please.
Irwin Fletcher. Irwin M.
Fletcher. Irwin Mahatma Fletcher.
Address.
Seven.
It's time
for the 4,323rd edition...
of the Farnsworth
Television Ministry with...
Mimsy Carlyle,
God's own songbird.
The heavenly feet
of Damon Feather.
Mr. Coco.
The Ringfield Revivalists.
The Bradley Family Singers
and Ted Medly and the band.
And now, the host of our show, the
ministry's founder and your friend...
Mr. Good News himself, the
Reverend Jimmy Lee Farnsworth.
I know that there is someone
out there tonight...
who needs to step forward.
Lyda Pearl Shindley.
Me?
Lyda Pearl, come on down here.! Give her
a big hand, folks.! Make her welcome.!
All right.!
Bless you.
God bless you.
I know that you suffered a terrible
tragedy when you lost Jo Bob...
in the merry-go-round accident
at the State Fair. I did.
I also know that Jo Bob
left you financially stable.
But answer me
this one question.
Has all of them riches
brung you happiness, child?
No, they haven't.
I've sinned.
We've all sinned.
I know, but
I've really sinned.
Please, God,
have her not mention my name.
Say it aloud so your soul
might be cleansed.
I'm so ashamed. I slept with
my best friend's husband.
You are forgiven. Praise the Lord. Amen!
- And I also slept with my Uncle James.
- You are forgiven, child.
Ladies and gentlemen, doesn't it
take a tremendous amount of courage...
to come up here on
nationwide cable hookup...
and confess
to human frailties?
And I also shoplifted this blouse
and... You've been forgiven.
Demons out!
Praise be.! Praise the Lord.!
- Ladies and gentlemen, praise be, praise the Lord.
- Bravo!
Surely Lyda Pearl
was not alone.
Surely there is someone else out
there whose life is full of confusion.
Irwin M. Fletcher just inherited
Belle Isle. I sense grief.
I sense deep grief
and loneliness.
I sense
a recent bereavement.
Someone who has lost
an uncle or an aunt.
Mr. Fletcher.
- Mr. Irwin M. Fletcher.
- That's me.
Are you out there?
Step forward, young man.
The Lord's calling to you. Come
on up here. Give him a big hand.
Make him welcome.
Come on down here.
Your Aunt Belle recently passed away,
didn't she, son? Yes, she did. Yeah.
Are you still grieving
in your heart, son?
Absolutely.
And even her generous gift
to ya of the ancestral home,
the beautiful Belle Isle,
has not eased the grief, pain and
sufferin' in your heart now, has it?
Not a hell of a lot.
No.
Irwin, admit
that you are a sinner.
Uh, well I've sinned. Didn't
take any Polaroids or anything.
But... I've sinned.
Yeah.
The Lord forgives ya!
Thank you. Thank you
very much. Thank you.
Thank you. Amen.
What? Other sins?
Uh, I parked in a handicapped
spot on my way over here.
Actually on
a handicapped person.
I told him I'd be out in five
minutes so that's not such a big deal.
There have been other things. They're
personal, so I wouldn't wanna get into it on TV.
But I have sinned and I'm
sorry about it. Thanks.
God forgives ya!
Amen.!
The good Lord
is gonna ease...
the pain and sufferin'
in your heart...
with a bright light
of grace.
Look out, you demons!
Demons, demons, out!
Oh! That was great.
Praise the Lord.
Another soul saved by Jimmy
Lee Farnsworth. How about that?
I dangled Belle Isle like bait in
front of Jimmy Lee and he took the hook.
I could tell, at the heart, he was a
deeply religious man and I liked his teeth.
Once we've had
a chance to expand,
Bibleland's gonna be like
some kind of heaven on earth...
if it isn't already.
- There's the hotel.
- Hi, Reverend.
We call it the Heavenly Hilton
and Convention Center.
Beyond that is the
Farnsworth Bible College.
If you look down the road, you see
the Jump for Jesus Trampoline Center.
- What do you think?
- It's unbelievable.
You don't suppose I use too many
photographs of myself, do ya?
No! No!
It worked for the Ayatollah.
Mr. Fletcher, your Belle Isle's
a bit rundown.
That sucker's gonna eat
you alive in maintenance.
You don't know how much your
land would mean to our ministry.
And to God, too, of course. After all, he
does give us our guidance now, doesn't he?
- Amen!
- You bet your ass.
Like my mother used to say,
"There's a tick for every dog. '"
What did your mother
mean by that?
Why in God's name you let Farnsworth's
ministry burrow into your fur?
Why would you even think of givin' away your
property when you got a big cash offer on it?
I don't know. I guess I thought,
after a lifetime of hedonism,
it was time
to rededicate my life.
Nah, I just wanted to see what would
happen if I went along with him.
Well, it happened.
The sheriff's office called.
The charges against you
have been dropped.
Is that right?
Mm-hmm.
The ministry has a good deal
of influence around here.
I suppose you've heard
that your...
aunt was under considerable emotional
strain in the weeks before she died?
Yeah, I've heard that.
So was my mother.
They took advantage of her.
These Holy Rollers.
When she was at death's door, they
preyed on her faith and her fear.
When she was no longer able
to make rational decisions,
persuaded her to give away our
land for that amusement park.
My guess is that your speedy
conversion and your promised gift...
played no small part in the
charges against you being dropped.
Well, whatever.
At least I'm off the hook.
And who or what do they think is
responsible for Amanda Ray's death?
The autopsy report
come in today.
They said she died of a
heart attack. Natural causes.
Either she had
some congenital defect...
or... you're one
hell of a lover.
Probably both.
I needed more background on Farnsworth
so I called Frank for a favor.
Maybe I should've asked him
to check out Calculus Entterby.
I liked him, but I wasn't buying
his Amos and Andy routine.
He seemed a lot smarter
than that.
I never took you to be no
murderer. That's a relief.
So who's the
odds on favorite now?
Nobody.
They're sayin' she dropped
dead in her sleep. Yeah!
The odds on that?
Same as catchin' a bass
this afternoon.
What's that?
About 258,000 to one.
You sure you
don't wanna back out?
I'm in.
This be the morgue?
Have the police come yet?
What? The police! They was bringing
a doctor to make a death certificate.
You got a stiff, boy, you're
in the right place. Where is it?
In my Cadillac.
Put him on the gurney. Take him
in the back with the rest of'em.
Don't bother me.
I'm watchin The Terminator.
You better put a steerin'wheel
on that. Excuse me, sir.
I'll be right back now.
- What's that stickin' out?
- His lucky golf cap.
Hey.!
You gotta tag his toe.
- He got a name?
- Eldridge Cleaver.
Take him in the back,
strip him. Hold it.
Let's see what Mr. Cleaver has,
or should I say, had.
Wait a minute.
Shouldn't I get that?
Tell you what.
I'll make you a deal.
You call me whenever you want,
I'll tell you what time it is.
Now get movin!
- Eldridge Cleaver.
- Shh.
Good evening, Mr. Hoffa.
Amanda Ross. Amanda Ross.
Five.
Can I take a look?
Yeah, go on.
Boo!
Any mail for me?
You don't have a Tic-Tac,
do you?
What happened?
I black out?
Did I land the plane
safely? Passengers hurt?
No.
Everything's okay?
Check that air-conditioning.
What'd you find out, Fletch?
Cremated. I wouldn't be surprised if all
the paperwork was burnt up with the body.
The morgue proved to be
a dead end.
But I guess it is
for most people.
I had three questions. Why was
I cleared in Amanda's death?
Why, if she wasn't murdered, was
the body so quickly destroyed?
And finally, when it comes to stewed prunes,
are three enough or are four too many?
When I got back to Belle Isle, there
was a cozy fire in the fireplace...
and on the roof, on the walls
and on the porch.
It was great.
Think maybe I should pack.
Guess you'll be movin' in
with me now. Thanks, Cal.
Look at the bright side. You won't have
to bother dusting anymore. Yes, sir!
Here's your diet plate.
Thank you, Miss Selma. Does everything
around here come with the head still on it?
- You bet, honey.
- Glad I didn't order a hamburger.
I'd say grace,
but I don't wanna wake him up.
Are you religious?
I believe in a God that
doesn't need heavy financing.
How you doin', Mr. Barbour?
How's it goin', Calculus?
Fine, fine.
This here's Mr. Fletcher.
He's the new owner of Belle
Isle, or whatever's left of it.
Yeah, I heard about your
fire. Sorry about that.
You know, you've had your share of
problems ever since you've been here.
How about me and the boys showing
you some real Southern hospitality?
You ever been
on a coon hunt?
Now a coon hunt is like an English fox
hunt, except we cut through all the bullshit,
all the fancy clothes and
music, all the beautiful women.
We reduce the experience
to its essence.
Yeah, a bunch of sweaty drunks
chasin' a scared animal.
You're damn right.!
What am I supposed to do?
The dogs do most of the work.
We just follow the dogs, they
tree the coon, we get him down.
This drug testing
has gone too far.
Take a jolt.
Kick-a-poo joy juice?
Oh, stronger than that!
Whoo!
Aren't you coming?
Nah, it ain't safe for a black man to
be chasin' around these woods at night...
unless he be handcuffed
to a white man.
I'll see you back at... my
"domiside." You want some of this?
You haven't lived till
you've been on a coon hunt,
and after that,
you don't want to.
But it gave me a chance to
snoop around the neighborhood.
The ministry seemed so hot
for all this land. Why?
Maybe they just wanted a remote
spot to bury Jim and Tammy.
Where the hell are we? Actually,
this is my place, or was.
I ain't been on it
since I sold the sucker.
This is your property over here and
that's Ham's mama's old place over there.
Don't you think we oughta
catch up with the boys?
Damn right. There's a couple of'em I don't
think I should leave alone with the dogs.
Oh, wait up.
Jesus! What happened
to my flower garden?
Everything's dead!
Yo, Barbour.! Rags has got a
water moccasin in his mouth.
Hey, we in luck. You wanna
jerk the head off a snake?
Oh, no.
I gave it up for Lent.
I'm not gonna miss the fun.
Hey, guys, wait up!
I never liked guns, especially
when they're pointed at me.
And this night a couple of people were
taking pot shots in my general direction.
It was time
to get outta there.
11:27 to be exact.
% Na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na% %
I was heartbroken to miss
the raccoon,
but all I wanted was a good night's
sleep so I headed for Cal's water bed.
Welcome back. Jimmy Lee
was on a roll tonight.
Ten salvations. Big
bucks. You catch a coon?
I was shot at. Somebody's
sure trying to scare me off.
And they don't mind killing me
to underline the threat.
You were shot at? Yep.
Now, who would do that?
Damn shame. I'll go outside
and see what's goin' on.
What was it? I thought I saw somethin'.
I just fired in the air
to scare whatever it was.
Didn't sleep well that night, and
it wasn't the fault of the water bed.
Something was rotten
in this whole situation.
Figuring out that the thug
who dropped my watch...
was the same guy who stole it at the
morgue didn't take Sherlock Holmes.
Larry Holmes
could've figured that out.
I wasn't sure who'd be taking the next
shot at me, so I decided to work alone.
Fletch, perfect timing. I've
got just what you asked for.
Frank, stop salivating. I'm sending
you my Laker high-tops for lab analysis.
He's behaving very strangely.
He must be in trouble.
Somebody must be holding
a gun to his head.
Fletch, if you need rescuing,
just say,
"I believe Louisiana
is the Pelican State."
Okay, Frank. I believe Louisiana is the
Pelican State... as a matter of fact.
- What do you have on Farnsworth?
- I've got everything you need.
Jimmy Lee Farnsworth, former
used-car salesman in Biloxi.
In '77, he pleaded "no contest"
to a charge of check kiting.
'81, discovered by businessmen who helped
him found the Farnsworth Television Ministry.
Our sources indicate he may be a
target of federal investigation.
- Anything else?
- Uh, two marriages.
One daughter goes by wife's
maiden name. Becky Culpepper.
It was hard to believe that beautiful
Becky was Farnsworth's daughter.
But I wasn't gonna hold it
against her.
If I was gonna hold anything against
her, it certainly wouldn't be her father.
Fletch, I heard about the
fire. I hope you're all right.
I'm just fine.
I was just lying in the embers of my house,
trying to calm my nerves after being shot at.
What? You were shot at? I was thinking
what a good day to sell my property...
and move back to Los Angeles.
Is the buyer
still interested?
No, I'm afraid
he withdrew.
I still have five minutes on the
meter. Let's talk in your office.
Now, why don't you tell me
who your client is?
Is it the
Farnsworth Ministry?
Why would you say that?
And who is shooting at you?
Maybe the
Reverend Farnsworth.
Look, Jimmy Lee Farnsworth
may be a lot of things,
but he's not a murderer.
You're right,
he is many things.
A former used-car salesman, a confessed
embezzler, your father, good square dancer.
That's right,
he is my father.
But I'm also
telling you the truth.
Becky, somebody wants my land
bad enough to kill me for it.
Now, if you don't tell me who your client
is, I'm gonna find out some other way.
It is guest healer's night
with Jimmy Lee on this...
the 4,323rd edition of our show
with tonight's special guests...
people with
the healing gift.
Excuse me. May I have your
name? I'm Claude Henry...
Claude Henry...
Claude Henry.
Claude... Claude or Clod is good. Henry.
Henry.
Smmoot.
Henry. Smmoot. S-M-M-O-T-T.
I'm sorry. Two "O's," one "T."
I'm a guest healer.
Smmoot, a guest healer.
Yes. Healed.
God bless you.
With Mimsy Carlyle.
Wait here.
The heavenly feet...
of Damon Feather.
God's simian favorite,
Mr. Coco.
The guest healers who have volunteered
for tonight's show will follow Jimmy Lee.
And now the founder
of our show,
your friend,
Mr. Good News himself,
Jimmy Lee Farnsworth.!
You know,
I have a feeling that there's someone out
there amongst us who needs to step forward.
Gordon Joe James.
Gordon Joe James.
Who are you?
Gordon Joe lost a limb
to a pit bull.
Gordon Joe, will you please
stand and raise your right hand?
Left hand.
Excuse me, left hand.
There you are.!
Bibleland Two.
Jimmy Lee's dream.
He was like some deranged
Walt Disney.
It was all in front of me.
Ham Johnson's place.
His mother's bequest.
Belle Isle.
The numbers on the boxes were certainly
not zip codes. Maybe computer codes.
All I needed now was a computer, and a
ten-year-old kid to teach me how to use it.
% Cash or check%
% Or MasterCard%
% MasterCard% %
Bobby Ralph?
Peter Lemongello.
Your house is on fire.
What? They told me to tell
you, your house is on fire.
I'll take over.
God bless you!
God bless you
for believing this shit.
There was a new element I hadn't
anticipated:: A second suspect.
Becky's client was not the ministry, but
some secret entity called Everest Development.
She never knew who they were.
Becky was a good girl, and wouldn't
have to be spanked. Damn it.
Who's gonna be the next one
to get the call?
Who's gonna be
the next one saved?
- Who's going to be...
- T'Boo Ted Marshall.
T'Boo Ted Marshall,
are you with us tonight?
Yes, indeed, Reverend.!
But how can God help my problem?
T'Boo Ted is a...
Compulsive gambler.
T'Boo Ted, the first you
gotta do is expose that problem!
Excuse me?
If you can't expose that
problem, at least to your family,
it grows and grows, and becomes
an even bigger problem.!
That's true!
He's been a compulsive gambler
for 20 years.
Because you've had this
affliction for more than 20 years,
I think you should
expose that problem to us...
right here... tonight.
I want you to do it. The
good Lord wants you to do it!
- You really think so?
- I know so!
Do it. Do it now!
Well, if you say so.
Oh, God,
put your pants back on.!
Coming right back to introduce
our guest healers.
Let's welcome all of them
beginning with Claude Henry Smmoot.
Come on out, Claude!
Here we are.
I have a headache.
No, Claude, this way.
You're gonna do just fine.
Now, get out there. Go on.
I said, get out there now!
Here he is!
Make him welcome, folks!
Welcome, Claude Henry.
When was the very first time,
the very first moment that made
the difference in your life?
Well, Jimmy Lee, I was...
I was, uh,
on my gazebo, on the roof
making some repairs,
and I was struck
by lightning.
I have had acute migraine headaches
and blurred vision since then.
But praise the Lord, that
was my lucky day because...
ever since then I have had
the healing power.
Amen. God bless you. Thank you
very much. Good night. Thank you.
Claude Henry. Good night.
What? What happened? Yes?
Before you heal another,
would you like for me to attempt
to heal your own affliction?
No, no! No, no. No, those
of us with perfect faith...
have no need
of perfect vision.
We have no need of wisdom.
We have no need of anything except
the creature comforts and lots of them.
Hallelujah.! Amen.! God bless
you. Amen. Thank you. Hallelujah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
he sees more than he doth know.
- Yes, I do.
Amen!
Claude Henry has the gift.!
Would you use that gift, Claude
Henry? Would you use it now?
I guess I could.
Praise be.
Reverend, I sense that
in our audience...
there is a gentleman
by the name of Jim Bob.
Jim Bob, would you stand up?
Would you rise, please?
Sixteen, 17...
I sense that Jim Bob
is a young man.
That he is between
the ages of 25, 27.
That's more like it.
I feel the Lord is telling me that
Jim Bob suffers from the same...
Satanized affliction that I
suffer from: : Migraine headaches.
Don't you, Jim Bob?
Is that you?
Come on down, Jim Bob.!
Praise be.! Hallelujah.!
Amen.!
Praise the Lord!
Be saved!
Jim Bob, welcome.
God bless you.
Jim Bob, how long have
you had these headaches?
About five, 10 minutes.
God... help him!
- And how do you feel now?
- It's a throbbing...
God bless you. A throbbing headache
comes up through your heels,
up through the hip bone, the knee bone,
up the spine, up through your back,
through your head like Satan
was belching through you?
- Is that it?
- Exactly.
- Do you believe?
- I believe.
He believes! Hallelujah!
Amen! God bless. Amen.
Hallelujah.
Rid this man of these headache
demons, of these migraine demons.
Heal this man!
Amen!
Amen!
Hallelujah!
Oh, good golly, Miss Molly!
How do you feel, son?
My headache is gone, but...
God bless him! Is there
anything else I can do for you?
No! No. Good! God bless you. Praise be.
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you so much. Ouch!
I am worn to the bone.
Thank you very much for
gracing us with your presence.
Good night. Praise be!
Maybe I was wrong
about Farnsworth.
There was a new player in the
game: : Becky's unknown client.
I had to find out more, and the
only way was to get into her pants...
I mean, her car. At least it
had brakes. Her car, that is.
Fletch, what
are you doing?
The guy who works in there
stole my watch.
He dropped it while he was trying to kill
me. I'd just as soon he not recognize me.
I'd like to keep an eye on him.
Maybe he'll lead us to his boss.
How long are we
gonna be here?
Bored?
Oh, no!
This is exciting!
Fletch?
What?
I have to pee.
The same thing used to happen
whenever I'd play hide-and-seek.
I always got caught. You think
the morgue has a ladies' room?
Hey.
Not so close. Try to get a
little distance between you.
I'm gonna have to play it pretty
tough in there. Still have to pee?
I gather the rain
isn't helping a lot.
- There's always the bushes.
- I'll be okay.
If I'm not back in five minutes,
call your dad.
Could I have a soda, please?
Diet Pepsi or a Tab
would be good.
- Hey, pussy.
- Name's Ed. Ed Harley.
Are you sure
you're in the right place?
I think so.
"Think so"!
Ed, what are you doin' here?
I'll give you a hint.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Hmm?
You don't get it?
You're the one
that doesn't get it.
Ed Harley.
Harley-Davidson Motorcycles.
You own the company?
Well, my granddaddy started it. Then my
daddy screwed Davidson out of his half.
Now I own the whole thing.
- Harley-Davidson?
No shit? - No shit.
Hey, y'all, Ed Harley
of Harley-Davidson!
We're the Nazis from Natchez!
Who're you callin',
babe?
Knock it off! Yo, boss, look who's here!
Harley-Davidson. Yo, Ed, come
over here and meet the boss.
Hi. Ed Harley, the Third.
Harley-Davidson Motorcycles.
If you need any T-shirts or decals,
I can make arrangements for you.
I just can't wait.
- What model do you ride?
- '78 XL.
'78 XL? That's a legend!
It's not blue, is it?
- You in luck, white boy. Come on.
- Oh!
There she is. Ain't she
beautiful? Original blue!
Oh, she is a beaut. Gee, golly,
I'd love to ride this '78 XL.
Nobody...
touches my Hog.
- Sorry. - If you wanna ride
that low-rider, that's all right.
Hell, we'll all ride.
Fire 'em up!
Do you mind if...
Darleen.
- If Darleen rides with me?
- Feeling a little horny, Ed?
Yeah. You know, my life
isn't all hubs and gears.
Take it easy.
% All right now%
% Hey, hey
We're gonna go out tonight%
Little murky in the oxydol.
We're gonna flush that out,
suck it, streamline it.
Hey, your mustache
looks funny.
Oh, boy.
Hey, look at that!
Came off.
% One for the money
Two for the show%
% Gotta go, let's go
Hey, hey%
% Gonna go out tonight%
% Gonna have some fun%
% Everything
will be all right% %
What're we gonna do? Something that
will seem extremely stupid at first.
Oh, my God!
Yee-ha!
Home!
Oh, my God!
I'm a mess.
You want some coffee?
Sure.
I look like a raccoon.
I gotta get to work, although I don't know
why. All I do is sit with nothing to do.
The only work I've had in the last three
months has been with Everest Realty.
And look what that's gotten
me. Can I use your phone?
Sure, go ahead.
That's toxic waste on the soles.
What have you been doing?
Jogging in the Love Canal.
What do you mean "toxic waste"?
- It's special. There's only 11 places that make this shit.
- Where?
Frank, just give me the ones
that aren't in New Jersey.
Ah, there's only one.
Yazoo, Mississippi.
Bingo.
I wanna thank you
for everything you've done.
I'm sorry I caused
such a mess.
Can I ask you a personal
question? Mm-hmm.
Did you finally get
to pee?
Yes.
Good.
You better get cleaned up.
Yeah.
Particularly my mind.
Where's the shampoo?
I'll get you some.
Here. You'll need
a clean towel too.
No, yours will be fine.
Fletch!
You're right.
This is too wet.
You know how
to get to Yazoo?
Well, you're in
the right vicinity.
The church seemed less
and less culpable.
Why would they want toxic waste next
to their land? Why would anybody?
Why are there four S's in Mississippi?
Four I's and only two P's...
and one "M'"
as far as I know?
Bly Bio Chem was the biggest
chemical plant in Mississippi.
My Laker shoes were ruined
by toxic waste produced there.
They probably knew who
delivered it to my backyard.
Now the lead-lined containers
painted with innocent bluebirds...
added a crucial piece
to the puzzle...
that had begun way back
in Amanda Ross's pants...
I mean, bedroom.
This is a secure area.
I'm very happy for you. Most people
live in terrible neighborhoods.
Are you the head honcho? That's
right, sir. Headly Dan Duke.
And what seems
to be your problem?
I agreed to take a shit load of
that Bluebird crap off your hands.
And it ain't come yet. I'm
very sorry, sir. And you are?
I are pissed!
Some damn fool told me it was on
back order, and I'd have to wait.
Whose signature is this?
Who signed that? I can't...
That's the trouble! It's
typical of a large corporation.
Lack of communication. That's
why I like to keep Everest small.
Oh, you're from Everest!
Now you're talkin'!
Elmer Gantry. Elmer Fudd Gantry. I'm
not sure there's anything I can do.
You could pull my file instead of
standing there pulling your pud!
Whatever you say, sir.
Bring me the Everest file.
Yes, sir.
Mr. Gantry?
I apologize for my bellicosity.
I've had a hernia operation.
Is that the stuff
I'm supposed to get?
Yes, sir. Why are they
wearing those funny suits?
They're protective, as you know. That's a
very corrosive by-product they're handling.
Oh, yeah. I guess if they
didn't wear those suits,
those boys would be so full of holes,
they'd whistle when they walked.
I've been spitting up blood,
pissing blood, bleeding.
I go through five
of these suits a day.
It appears you have
your facts wrong, Mr. Gantry.
Your company is supposed
to get 1500 gallons.
Destination someplace
called Belle Isle in Louisiana.
Signed for by an officer of
your company and due the 23rd.
So... we're right,
and you're wrong.
Let me see that.
Takes a big man to admit when
he's wrong. I am not a big man.
We're late again, because you
had to stay late at the jail.
Hurry up.
Just get out.
Are you all right?
You're wrecking my present.
My fault?
Wash and gas it.
Check the brake fluid, will ya?
My friends,
ladies and gentlemen.
With all the fun we've been having, I hope we
don't forget our real purpose here tonight...
to preserve the legacy
that nature has given us.
We are mere custodians of...
Bob Lee.
Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee.
Bobby Lee.
Bobby Lee Schwartz.
Schwartz.
Schwartz, the Second.
Fletch!
What you doin' here?
- What are you doin' here?
- You know me. I ain't happy unless I'm working.
Why, Fletch, I'm surprised to see
you here, sir. Welcome, sir, welcome.
My pleasure, my pleasure.
Thank you for not inviting me.
Oh!
I do believe we have
something to discuss.
Oh. Well, might I suggest we
repair ourselves to a quieter place.
Let us remove ourselves,
shall we?
Son of a gun, we'll have
big fun on the bayou.
My mama's room.
I've kept it just the
way it was when she died.
Her ashes?
She used to say, "We come from the
earth and we return to the earth,
and in between,
we garden."
A little gardening,
a little polluting.
They spelled my name wrong.
My gun's made of rubber.
How 'bout yours?
No.
I see your point.
Wouldn't do for your conservationists
guests to hear about...
that load of toxic waste heading
for my land at Belle Isle.
My land...
at Belle Isle, Fletch.
After you die, who's gonna prove that
you did not sell your land to Everest?
You may have this town
in your back pocket, Johnson,
but there are a lot of people downstairs
who are gonna be very interested...
in the hows and whys
of Amanda Ray's death.
She knew about Bluebird.
She started a file on you,
and you found out about it.
That was my lucky night. The night I found
the Bluebird file, the night you porked her.
I figured it was like an alligator shoot on
the freeway, if you'll excuse the metaphor.
- It's not a metaphor. It's a simile, to be precise.
- Whatever.
So you poisoned Amanda, figuring I'd sell
and get out if I was facing a murder charge.
- I don't scare easy. I'm too dumb.
- So it would seem.
Now get out of my mama's chair before
I put the first bullet up your nose.
Are you kidding?
You pull that trigger and 100
people will be up here in a second.
My dear boy, why would
I do my own dirty work?
Those hundred do-gooders down
there dressed in rebel crap...
will be my alibi.
Now get outta
my mama's chair!
I synchronized my beloved Laker
watch with Miss Culpepper's Timex.
If I dont join her at the ministry
in 10 minutes, the whole ugly story...
goes out on
the Farnsworth Network.
Of course, it's cable, but...
- You're bluffing, Fletch.
- No, I'm not.
You think you're not...
but you are.
Swell.
- Did he hurt you?
- Not yet. That comes later.
Sorry, Becky.
The band won't take a break for some
time, so screaming would be futile.
Mr. Fletch's convenient
appearance has allowed us...
to move up our plans for your
demise to coincide with his.
Now I'm goin' downstairs
to be the gracious host.
Do what you have to do.
- The bride of Frankenstein.
- Put my mama down!
Oh! I'm sorry.
Oh, how clumsy of me.
Oops! I'm sorry. I stepped
right on her mustache.
Get away! Get away!
- Sorry. I was just trying to help.
- It's all right, Mama.
You should be more careful
where you put your breakables.
I've been careful
all my life.
When she was sick,
I was careful.
Then that goddamn Jimmy Lee's
ministry... taking everything she had.
Bloodsuckers!
It's gonna be all right, Mama.
And when we're far, far away...
from this godforsaken
chemical swamp,
we're gonna sit back and
watch 'em all just decompose.
That should be good for Bibleland's business,
all their customers glowing in the dark.
I hope they all fry
in hell!
- You bloodsucking bastards!
- Isn't this interesting?
- Put that down.
- She really is in there.
- Put that down.
- She seems to have lost a little weight.
I thought you had her stuffed and
mounted. Here she is. Head's up!
Ohh! Ohh!
Becky!
Swine... Darryl, are
you having a good time?
Welcome to great Noah's Ark...
where we have a flood
every 10 minutes.
In the...
No! This way.
Join our pyramid of prayer.
For only $12,
you begin your exciting journey
up the pyramid.
And when you reach the top,
you're gonna be the target
of 20,000 prayers!
A lady in Fargo, North Dakota broke the
chain and began a five-day fit of sneezing...
that ended in her death.
Daddy?
Well, Mr. Fletcher, what a pleasant
surprise. And, Becky, what are you...
Look who's here! Hamilton
Johnson! Friend of the community.
Ham, you look like you've
worked up quite a sweat.
Maybe you should dry your hair
first. Do you want a towel?
Uh-oh, he's got a gun.
Show your lovely face on national television.
Let 'em see that greedy glint in your eye.
Let 'em hear
that bullshit chuckle, Ham.
Who's gonna save you now,
Fletch?
You'll have to shoot through
me, you son of a bitch!
He's not gonna shoot anybody. Are
you, Ham? You're on television now.
You haven't got the guts.
- My mistake.
- Freeze!
F.B.I. Drop the gun!
I said, drop it. Harry!
And it's my plan to rerun this
incident every night during Sweeps Week.
The obvious question is... What did
you know and when did you know it?
And how long did you plan
on letting me twist in the wind?
Up to a point. The Agency was
barking up the same tree you were.
Jimmy Lee's finances.
Yep.
It was easy for Harry and Field Officer
Vincent to infiltrate the ministry.
Field Officer Vincent?
That's Mr. Coco's
real name.
We've been working on
this case for over a year.
Excuse me, Agent Goldstein, the officer
would like to speak to you. Surely.
Goldstein?
Thank you, sir.
Ding dong,
the wicked witch is dead.
So what's next, Fletch?
Back to L.A.?
There's no place like home.
Unless home is here.
You know what? We gotta get you
away from this chemical swamp.
I was wondering...
Do you like smog?
Back home there was
a surprise party for me.
But the nicest surprise was an insurance
check for the Belle Isle fire... $ 100,000.
However, no one stopped Bly Bio Chem
from dumping that toxic waste on my land.
They told me not to worry. Its
half-life was estimated at 3,000 years.
Everything okay, Fletch?
Betty was a little pissed off
about giving up her office,
and accounting gave me some flak
about the new car, but trust me,
everything's gonna be just the
way you want it, maybe better.
I like your attitude, Frank.
Excuse me just a sec. What a guy!
I thought I told you...
never to come to my workplace.
Time's change, my dear Fletch.
Rumor has it that you have inherited
a sizable piece of property.
Who told you?
I have my sources too.
These sources also suggest that you may
have been considering skipping town...
and retiring
on this vast estate.
Thus skipping out on your
financial responsibilities.
Would I do that? Wendy could
probably get half of it anyway.
So in return for the other half,
we would forego any other claims.
Think about it.
You would never see me again.
Where do I sign?
I'll never see you again?
Never.
You realize this is
my family land?
Does it please you to
rip out my ancestral roots?
I was born and raised
in a briar patch.
Now Wendy can live
a life of leisure.
Clean air, clean water. This is
the way she was destined to live.
Okay, Gillet.
You've broken me.
I hope you're happy.
% Hey, hey
We gonna go out tonight%
% Hey, hey
We gonna go out tonight%
% We gonna have some fun
Everything will be all right%
% Ohhh%
% All right%
% Make a change in your life%
% And make it for the better%
% Don't you wait no longer%
% It just set you back further%
% It's not for the young%
% It's not for the old%
% It's not for the crazy%
% It's not for the bold%
% It's not for one generation%
% It's for
the whole damn nation%
% I say, the whole
damn nation%
% Make a change in your life%
% And make it for the better%
% Don't you wait no longer%
% It just set you back further%
% It's not for
the black and white%
% It's not for
the yellow and red%
% It's not for
the sick and homeless%
% It's not for just one race%
% It's not for
one generation%
% It's for
the whole damn nation%
% I say, the whole
damn nation%
% Make a change in your life%
% And make it for the better%
% Don't you wait no longer%
% It just set you back further%
% It's not for the young%
% It's not for the old%
% It's not for the crazy%
% It's not for the bold%
% It's not for one generation%
% It's for the whole
damn nation%
% I say, the whole
damn nation%
% Make a change in your life%
% Make it for the better%
% Don't you wait no longer% %
any big American city late at night.
At 2:00 a.m. People are either
making a mess or cleaning it up.
Tonight's my night
to do the cleaning up.
My name, most of the time,
is Irwin Fletcher.
I write under the name of Jane
Doe. That's the kind of gal I am.
This is a Greek seafood house,
part of a very successful chain.
But, believe me,
it's not because of the food.
113,000
from basketball.
List it as codfish.
120,000 from
the Gonzalez fight.
That includes 60 from
our chain in the Valley.
Twenty from Long Beach.
120 total.
Put that
under halibut.
180,000
from the track.
Scrod.
We already got over two
million in scrod this month.
Scrod's making a comeback,
all right?
So how are you listing
my stake?
Breakage.
$ 75,000 worth of breakage?
We're Greeks! We dance,
we break plates, we're clumsy!
Cut the fighting. We gotta
be cross town in 30 minutes.
You wanna wash up?
Nah. My wife gets suspicious if I come
home and my hands don't smell like fish.
I got it.
You get the lights.
Where's Poppa?
In the back.
Tell him to snap it up. We'll meet him
in the car. Phil, I'll drop you off first.
You better.
- Hi.
- What's your name, little lady?
My name? Peggy Lee... Zorba.
Peggy Lee Zorba.
- You're cute!
- Do you mind if I freshen up a little bit?
Splash a little water
on my face.
Whatever makes you
feel sexy.
Okay.
Just wait outside.
I'll be right out.
What the hell was that?
- Jesus.! If it's a cop, kill him.
- Hi. Mary Poppins!
If it's a reporter,
cripple him.
You're never driving again!
I just did what
you told me to do.
There's a new thing called
brakes.! Will you shut up.!
Good. Brilliant as usual, Fletch.
We'll run it in the next edition.
Great. See you
in two weeks.
Uh, Fletch, there's... "Uh, Fletch"?
Frank, I see a double-cross in your eyes.
You promised me a vacation and I'm
taking it. Right after the sewer story.
What are you talking about?
You can't do this to me.
I spent eight nights on my knees for you
dressed like Dolly Parton at a funeral.
I got felt up. I got
dishpan hands and sore knees!
Three guys tried to kill me.
And do you give a crap?
You promised me a vacation!
And you're gonna get a vacation.
As soon as you research and write the
sewer system expose. You owe me a vacation!
In July you're gonna have it!
That's two months away.
That's why you're such a great
reporter. You know the facts.
By the way, the new computer
disallowed your undocumented expenses.
- It'll come out of this week's pay.
- You can't do that.
There's nothing I can do about it. It's
amazing. It's all done automatically.
On top of everything else,
I think I'm getting my period.
No wonder I got a fumigation
alert. How'd you get in here?
The window was open.
I knocked, and I could swear
I heard you say, "Come in."
You really know how to cover your ass, Gillet.
Although those pants are a huge mistake.
You owe me $4,381
in back alimony.
What? I was married to you?
You're right. I've been foolishly
squandering my salary on food and heat.
You have one week to comply
with Judge Proctor's orders.
Payment in full.
Otherwise you go to jail.
Wendy doesn't need
the money.
I hear she's been... banging some
balding, wimpy lawyer who can't get it up.
- May I see that?
- Be my guest.
It's a nice briefcase.
Couldn't guess your weight?
Oh! I'm sorry.
I got it.
Never mind,
I'll take care of it.
Look at this. A note from
the Oakwood Potency Clinic.
"Sorry to inform you, our machines cannot
process sperm counts as low as yours."
Here we are. What
about this? Be careful!
Uh-oh!
I am terribly sorry!
You did that intentionally.
No, I did not. I really didn't.
That was good juice too.
Leave it alone.
Good idea. My mistake. Where
are you going with that?
My mess.
I'll clean it up.
- What are you doing?
- What's this?
You are damaging personal
property and I'm gonna...
The ink is running.
I didn't expect that.
There we are!
Clean as a whistle.
Thanks for coming by, Marvin.
Expect to hear from my lawyer.
Oh, Gillet, one more thing. Come
back here. It's very important.
They're doing a thing now where they make an
incision in the scalp, push the hair together.
Or you could try a transplant. Maybe the hair
from your ass might make you smarter. Bye.
Betty, how 'bout lunch
at the In-N-Out Burger?
I'm not hungry.
Forget the burger. How about
just the "in and out"?
Very well.
How about just the "in"?
Ooh!
Fletch, answer your phone.
In-N-Out Burger.
May I take your order please?
Mr. Irwin Fletcher?
This is Amanda Ray Ross. I
represented your Aunt Belle Fletcher.
Good ol' Aunt Belle.
How the hell is she?
She's deceased, Mr. Fletcher.
Oh. I guess she could be better.
- You're a hard man to find.
- I was touring with the Stones. What can I do for you?
Didn't you get my message?
No.
I'm the executor of your aunt's
will and as such I can inform you...
you are the major beneficiary of
your aunt's estate, Belle Isle.
What about this expense... $58
for leg waxing? That's bullshit.
Yeah, but feel how smooth
they are.
It consists of 80 acres
of old plantation property.
Wait a minute. Did you say
plantation? Yes, indeed.
She left it to me? According
to her will, she did.
- Can I get back to you?
- Hair by Ziggy? Who's Ziggy?
5-0-4... Shut up, Frank. Yeah.
I'll get right back to you.
Can't we just return some of these
things? What about the lingerie?
- I ate it.
- Be serious for one minute.
I quit.
I'm not unreasonable about
legitimate expenses. I quit, Frank.
Yeah. On the sewer story, I'm gonna
advance you for the hip boots and wet suit.
Frank, I'm really quitting.
Fletch, look, I got a little
A-frame up at Arrowhead.
Why don't you go there, take
a couple of weeks, relax?
I'm really gonna miss you.
Maybe that's an overstatement.
Treat this as good news. You can
always write my Jane Doe column.
You're not gonna quit,
and I'll tell you why.
Why? You have journalistic integrity.
Yeah. And you have a sense of loyalty.
And you'll never give up the
quest for truth, will you?
You're right. I can't abandon the principles
that nurtured me lo these many years.
Wrap them up with the shit on my desk and
have them shipped to my mansion in Louisiana.
Bye.
What happened?
And my husband said I was crazy to
go 2,000 miles to have my nose done.
That's an interesting watch.
Is it a prize of some sort?
No. It certainly looks like one.
It's a championship
Laker watch.
Oh! Are you a Laker?
I used to date one. Only thing
I have to remember him by.
Lord, what was that?
We just clipped a Piper Cub. The
pilot's okay. I just saw him parachuting.
I love a man
with a sense of humor.
What did you say
your name was?
Nostradamus.
I'm Cindy Mae Sample.
Nostradamus.
I love the Fightin' Irish.
Lord, I hate to fly. I wish I was
gettin' off in Thibodaux like you.
It's two more stops to Selma. All
those ups and downs and ups and downs.
You should try
holding your breath.
Sometimes that works.
Belle Isle.
% We are calling%
% We are calling%
Belle Isle. % While our
heads are bending low%
% Can you hear%
% Our gentle voices calling%
% Old White Joe% %
Thank you, Betty Lee.
Look, Colonel, the folks
have come to serenade you.
They love you so much.
I love them too.
Give me that, boy!
Thank you, sir.
Quiet down.
- Uncle Frank?
- Yes, sir?
- You know my favorite tune.
- Sure do, Colonel.
Would you mind if I sat
in your lap, Colonel?
Please do, Betty Lee.
Please do.
The field hands would like to
dance for you. Dance for me?
Why, I'll dance for them!
Yes, sir! % Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
Zip-a-dee-ay%
% My, oh, my
what a wonderful day%
% Plenty of sunshine
headin' my way% You bet!
% Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
Zip-a-dee-ay%
% Mr. Bluebird's
on my shoulder%
% Ain't it the truth
It's actual%
% Everything is satisfactual%
% Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
Zip-a-dee-ay%
% Wonderful feeling%
% Wonderful day% %
You made it,
Mr. Notre Dame.
Mr. Fletcher.
I'm Amanda Ray Ross.
I spoke with you on the
phone. Oh, yes. That was you?
Great.
Do you have any luggage?
Just one piece.
Plannin' on stayin' long?
Just long enough to see Mount Rushmore
and squeeze in a little ice fishing.
I'm on the board of
the Pontchartrain Society.
We help preserve and restore
some of these lovely mansions.
We headed to Belle Isle?
- You must be dying to see it, Mr. Fletcher.
- Call me Fletch.
Your house is not quite as grand as
some of the others in the neighborhood.
It doesn't matter. It's the thought
that counts. Eighty acres, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Isn't it strikin'?
Your aunt tried to keep things
in their natural state.
She ever brush her hair?
- I can see you're disappointed.
- No, not at all!
A little spackling and some napalm,
this place would make a nice mausoleum.
Oh, my God!
Are you all right?
Oh! I was aimin' to fix
that today. How do you do?
I be Calculus Entterby.
You be Mr. And Mrs. Fletcher?
I be Fletch. Geometry Fletch.
She be Miss Trigonometry Ross.
Pleased, I'm sure. Your Aunt Belle
told me you'd be takin' over the place,
and I'm extendin'
my "condulations."
Right. You work here?
Your Aunt Belle and I,
we had an arrangement.
And I was hopin' we could
make an extenuation of it.
Help me get your stuff
out the car here. Come on.
You mind your step.
Our families go back
for hundreds of years.
Your great grandparents owned my great
grandparents and that's how it all started.
Did you ever hear of the
Emancipation Proclamation?
I heard somethin' about it,
but I don't recall exactly.
- It didn't get much publicity around these here parts.
- I'll bet.
Excuse me, sir.
Could you give me a hand?
R-Right here.
Just pull it towards you.
Just pull it.
Come on, come on.
Just pull it.
Just pull it on over.
That's it, that's it.
Don't scar the car.
Is there any electricity
or gas?
Everything works.
No cable TV, I guess.
If I'd known you was comin', I'd have straightened
out a bit and stocked your refrigerator.
No food?
No refrigerator.
We need to do some paperwork.
Want a lift into town?
What? And leave my estate unattended?
It's not yours till you sign.
I can make you some dinner,
ease the culture shock.
That sounds great.
Should I be doin' anything?
No, not really.
Uh, soon as you get that trunk
upstairs and have finished your nap,
I guess you could fix that step and jump
down, turn around and pick a bale of cotton.
And while I'm gone, see to it Miss Scarlett
stays away from the Union Army, will you?
More wine?
You're not trying to take
advantage of me, are you?
Not yet.
You need to sign these papers.
Do you mind
if I read 'em first?
Be my guest. Had you talked
to your aunt recently?
That depends on your view of
history. It's been 16 years.
Sign all three?
Please.
I was just wonderin' because she changed
her will three weeks before she died.
Well, lucky for me.
Why'd she do that?
I don't know. She was old. Seemed
to be under a lot of strain.
Dying always does that to you.
Congratulations. You know, you can make
yourself some good money out of this.
A Realtor contacted me with an
unusually high offer... 225,000.
- Dollars?
- Mm-hmm.
Let me ask you this:
If they're so anxious, don't you think if
I wait a little longer, they might go up?
- They might.
- And I just got here, didn't I?
No sale?
While you're thinking about it, what
are you gonna do with the land, Fletch?
I don't know. Raise chitlins... the
chitlin' market as high as it is.
They're mean little animals, but
their coats are worth a fortune.
$225,000?
What do you think I oughta do?
If I were you, I would
proceed slowly and carefully.
That's my specialty.
- Would you like some dessert?
- What do you have in mind?
How 'bout something sweet...
and Southern?
I borrowed your toothbrush.
Would've used your razor, but it looks like
you've been doing some gardening with it.
Gee, I can't believe
we slept this late.
Amanda? Want to drive
into Belle Isle?
I guess not.
It was good,
but not that good.
'Morning, Mr. Fletcher. If that's
your real name. I'm Billy Jo Hendrick.
Howdy.
What's your relationship
to Amanda Ray?
She was my attorney.
She was working on my briefs.
- You come into town, y'all just hit it off?
- So to speak.
Sparks just flew. That's
what you're gonna tell me.
Wonder why things like that
never happen to me?
Wonder why!
Were y'all usin' some drugs you brought
in from California by any chance?
Just some Beaujolais.
Beaujolais?
It's a pretty popular drug
made from grapes?
- You feel like makin' a statement?
- A statement?
"Ask not what your country can do for
you, ask what you can do for your country."
I guess you just wanna make
it hard on everybody.
Well, let's see how you feel after
some time in the tank. Y'all come.
All of us?
Just you.
- What's the charge?
- Pissin' me off.
Is that a felony or a
misdemeanor? That's it!
You're cleaner than most
of the ones we get around here.
You smell nice.
I expect you'll be popular.
Do you realize you have
to read me my rights?
Or at least find someone who
can read to do it for you.
A little gamy in here.
Not much ventilation, huh?
How's the chow?
You know, you really shouldn't wear so
much eye makeup. It makes you look cheap.
You're sittin' on my bunk.
Sorry.
Shut up!
Take your pants off.
Ah, I don't even know
your name.
Bend over.
Ben? Nice to meet you.
Victor Hugo.
You wouldn't happen to have a middle name,
would you? Everybody else here seems to.
- What are you in for, Ben?
- Molesting a dead horse.
Ooh, there's no crime in that.
That's your right as an American.
I'm tryin' to cut down myself.
His missus hit him on the head with a ball
pein hammer whilst he was eatin' sausage...
and almost choked him
to death.
Okay, beautiful, let's hope another long
night in the tank has sobered you up.
Ben?
If I don't hear from you on Valentine's
Day, I'll be very disappointed.
Mr. Johnson, I'm surprised
to see you here.
Judge Watkins usually assigns
these small potatoes to Billy Ray.
Well, he's on vacation. This is the price
I pay for the proximity of my office.
Excuse me. Sir?
You don't have a card,
do you? Or a price list?
Well, matter of fact,
I do.
I'm Hamilton Johnson.
I'm an attorney at law.
You take other cases or you just
specialize in transvestite necrophiliacs?
Not enough evidence
to hold you.
Just a petty form of intimidation putting
you in a cell with that Neanderthal.
She wasn't so bad. If she'd just
fix up her hair and shave her back.
It's so embarrassin', this sort of
thing still goes on in the New South.
'Course, 20 years ago a Yankee like
you could've been lyin' in the ditch.
I'm assumin', of course,
that you had nothin' whatsoever
to do with the death of Amanda Ray.
Sure hope not.
Hop in.
I was shocked
to hear about this.
She was such
a dear friend.
So tragic...
when this happens to
somebody so young and healthy.
Was she feelin' all right last
night? She felt great to me.
Just smell that soft
Southern air.
It's so sad to see this
beautiful pastoral countryside...
blighted by the greed of a few men
in pursuit of the almighty dollar.
That's my place
over there.
The trees just beyond it screen off the
Bibleland Amusement Park in the daytime,
but at night, they do make
a hell of a racket.
- Thanks for everything, Hamilton.
- Most welcome. Just call me Ham.
Ham, call me Fletch.
All right, Fletch.
Anything I can do to help ya.
Fletch!
- Might I give you some personal advice?
- Is it free?
To the sheriff and his sort
of people, you're an outsider.
Guilty in spite of the law.
Should I get outta town
before sundown?
It's not that bad, but...
if I were you,
lookin' for peace and quiet...
Well, they can make it
a might uncomfortable for ya.
It's gonna take time.
Thanks, Ham.
Bye.
My pleasure.
Anything I can do for ya.
Welcome back. I thought you run
off for good. Does this car run?
Yeah, but Miss Belle stopped
drivin' it when the brakes ran out.
I run a few errands
from time to time,
but if you wanna stop it,
you got to think ahead.
Hmm. I finally got the place
straightened out for you.
Mm-hmm. When was that?
Back in 1970?
Your Aunt Belle, she lived in this
one room. Didn't take up much space.
Calculus?
Hmm?
You don't see
a spider, do you?
Spiders is good. They eats the
cockroaches. Yeah, sure they do.
Mister Owl.
This is more like it. This
is what I came here for.
Yes, sir.
Peace and quiet.
Scum, scum, scum.!
Go back to where you come.!
- Friends of yours?
- Nothin' to me.
"The loyal sons of the...
Buford, where's the cross.
Did you bring the cross?
"White race will not allow
any kind of alien infection...
to invade our beloved land."
Scum, scum, scum.
Go back to where you come.
Let's do it together.
Scum, scum, scum. Go back...
Get the hell outta here
and go home! Scum! Pigs!
Sorry I'm late.
Who goes there?
Henry Himmler.
What klavan claims you?
California klavan, Cucamonga.
California?
Yeah. I was passing through town and was
lookin' for something to do this evening.
There was nothing goin' on at the
Rotary Club. I heard about this.
Welcome, Henry.
I'm the Grand Kleagle.
Oh.
California thing.
Pig-faced scum!
What's the occasion here? Oh, some
undesirable carpetbagger... I think.
Damn! Boys, I just got a closer
peek. There's nobody in there.
We're wasting our time.
- And I washed all these sheets.!
- Wh-Who's this?
Oh. Sorry. Hi, fellas. Hank Himmler.
Hi, Hank.
The cross won't burn, nobody home.
Hell, it ain't like it used to be.
You said it.
I couldn't get more than 13 guys out here
tonight. Five of them are green recruits.
Kinda stand-ins, you
know what I mean? Yeah.
We call 'em Klookies.
Klookies?
That's good! Of course,
it's just a contract job.
Yeah.
Contract job?
Yeah.! We've been havin' a terrible
time down here. We've had to rent out.
Here I come!
Gene Hackman, kick your ass.
They're speakin' some kind
of African dialect!
Hi.
'Morning.
- Mr. Fletcher?
- As far as you know.
I'm Becky Ann Culpepper.
Thibodaux Realty.
I'd offer you some coffee and eggs
Benedict, but we're all out of Benedict.
Thanks.
I've already eaten.
What can I do to...
for you?
Mr. Fletcher, you may have heard that there's
a party interested in acquiring your property.
A substantial offer.
How substantial?
$250,000.
Whew!
I don't know.
I had big plans for this place.
Mini mall with a yogurt bar
and a tanning parlor.
Well, Mr. Fletcher,
all I know is $250,000...
is a mighty generous price
for land in this area.
Who's your client?
I'm not at liberty to say.
Well, then I'm not
at liberty to sell.
This is a tremendous
opportunity.
I'll tell you what. I'll consult with
my people who will contact their people,
and they'll get in touch
with your people.
Who are your people?
- Who are yours?
- As I said, I have to keep that confidential.
Very well. I'll just have my people
contact each other. Keep 'em busy.
All right. Well, just keep
me in mind. Here's my card.
Oh, I'll keep you in mind.
Hope we can do this again
sometime soon.
In about 10 minutes?
That night I decided to return
to the scene of the crime.
It gave me a chance to check out my new
car and practice my parallel parking.
So far the only really good
suspect in Amanda's death was me,
and I was pretty sure
that I didn't do it.
Amanda knew more than she'd let on,
but the only clue she'd left me...
was a reference to Aunt Belle
changing her will just before she died.
I knew the local police force was
watching her place carefully...
so there'd be no trouble
getting in.
Over the years I found Mr. Underhill's
credit card to be a useful tool...
much like Underhill himself.
As usual, I was willing to risk my life
just to get a peek into a filing cabinet.
I love them when they're unlocked, neatly
organized and tell me what I wanna know.
Belle's legal files
were in good order...
with the exception of something missing
under the heading of "Bluebird. '"
My aunt had almost left
Belle Isle to some minister.
Obviously at one time
he must have touched her deeply.
Since she changed her mind, I guess
he didn't touch her deeply enough...
or in the right place.
Thank you very much. Couldn't
find that light switch.
What the hell you doin' here? This is a
restricted area. Didn't you see the sign?
Signs? Signs! That's all I
see is signs. Look at this.
Stressed out "dormants" on the windows, walls
that are deplaning to an alarming degree.
Deplaning? This house is obviously
infested with reticulermes Mario Cuomos.
What's that?
What's what?
Reticulermes. You can't even
say it yourself.
They are deadly African
microscopic termites.
They can eat a hundred times
their weight in five minutes.
Much like yourself. From the
look of things, I'd say...
this place is about ready
to collapse. Who are you?
Billie Jean King, Bug Busters.
My van is parked out front.
Mr. King, I don't know nothin'
about no Bug Busters.
The surgeon general was right.
They've been mighty busy here.
The only time you can
catch 'em is at night.
Aha! I got one!
See that?
These little buggers are the
piranhas of the insect world.
The only thing they like better
than wood is human flesh. Really?
You bet. If you can't see it,
how do you know you got one?
I'm glad I asked that question. They
make this horrible high-pitched noise.
It's kinda like a tiny little
scream. Can you hear that?
Can you hear that? It's
like a tiny little piglet.
No? Uh-oh. I seem to have
dropped it in your ear. You what?
That's all right.
We better get that. Can't let that nest
in there. They multiply by masturbation.
The only way to get that out is to
get as close to the floor as you can.
Go on down to the floor. That's right.
They're drawn to the floorboards.
Now shake your head like you're
trying to get water out of your ear.
That's good. But hit it... No, hit
it harder. This side. That's right.
Now make that scream. That'll
draw 'em out. Squeal like a pig.
A little higher.
Hey, I found the queen!
I found the queen! I don't believe
it. No one's ever found a queen.
I gotta get this to the lab
and get a stool sample.
After my close call with Miss
Piggy, I couldn't wait to get home.
My head was filled
with decorating ideas.
I didn't have a lot of money, but I
could move the pool closer to the house.
I could see I wasn't gonna get
much privacy.
- Who's there?
- It's Avon calling.
Oh.! It's you.!
- I'd like to talk to you for a minute.
- Yeah, come on in.
Come on in. Have a seat.
Make yourself at home.
What's on your mind?
Well...
What do you do?
Mud wrestle in this thing?
I'm sorry about that,
but I won it in a raffle.
Must be an art to sitting
in one of these. Lost art.
You get the Lakers? I'm lucky
if I can get Wheel of Fortune.
Do you know any reason why somebody
would want to buy this land?
Insect research.
Boston two-and-a-halfback
of the Yankees.
I have an offer
for $250,000.
Take the money and run!
What you thinkin'?
What do you know about
this Farnsworth Ministry?
Jimmy Lee Farnsworth? Down
here everybody knows about him.
Your Aunt Belle used to
watch him when she was laid up.
...And that is
have you've been saved?
I know that there are a lot
of you out there tonight...
that the devil has got a good, firm grip
around your neck and is choking you to death.!
Amen!
I want you to send
whatever you can afford.
If you've got a thousand
dollars in the bank,
don't be afraid to send
the whole thousand dollars.
I need your money. Bibleland
is only halfway there.
Bible... land.
The most important attraction...
since the crucifixion
itself.
Immediate seating
for the 5:00 service.
The 5:00 service
is about to begin.
Immediate seating
for the 5:00 service.
Welcome, sinner.
Praise the Lord!
Bless you, bless her, bless
him. Hallelujah! Name please.
Irwin Fletcher. Irwin M.
Fletcher. Irwin Mahatma Fletcher.
Address.
Seven.
It's time
for the 4,323rd edition...
of the Farnsworth
Television Ministry with...
Mimsy Carlyle,
God's own songbird.
The heavenly feet
of Damon Feather.
Mr. Coco.
The Ringfield Revivalists.
The Bradley Family Singers
and Ted Medly and the band.
And now, the host of our show, the
ministry's founder and your friend...
Mr. Good News himself, the
Reverend Jimmy Lee Farnsworth.
I know that there is someone
out there tonight...
who needs to step forward.
Lyda Pearl Shindley.
Me?
Lyda Pearl, come on down here.! Give her
a big hand, folks.! Make her welcome.!
All right.!
Bless you.
God bless you.
I know that you suffered a terrible
tragedy when you lost Jo Bob...
in the merry-go-round accident
at the State Fair. I did.
I also know that Jo Bob
left you financially stable.
But answer me
this one question.
Has all of them riches
brung you happiness, child?
No, they haven't.
I've sinned.
We've all sinned.
I know, but
I've really sinned.
Please, God,
have her not mention my name.
Say it aloud so your soul
might be cleansed.
I'm so ashamed. I slept with
my best friend's husband.
You are forgiven. Praise the Lord. Amen!
- And I also slept with my Uncle James.
- You are forgiven, child.
Ladies and gentlemen, doesn't it
take a tremendous amount of courage...
to come up here on
nationwide cable hookup...
and confess
to human frailties?
And I also shoplifted this blouse
and... You've been forgiven.
Demons out!
Praise be.! Praise the Lord.!
- Ladies and gentlemen, praise be, praise the Lord.
- Bravo!
Surely Lyda Pearl
was not alone.
Surely there is someone else out
there whose life is full of confusion.
Irwin M. Fletcher just inherited
Belle Isle. I sense grief.
I sense deep grief
and loneliness.
I sense
a recent bereavement.
Someone who has lost
an uncle or an aunt.
Mr. Fletcher.
- Mr. Irwin M. Fletcher.
- That's me.
Are you out there?
Step forward, young man.
The Lord's calling to you. Come
on up here. Give him a big hand.
Make him welcome.
Come on down here.
Your Aunt Belle recently passed away,
didn't she, son? Yes, she did. Yeah.
Are you still grieving
in your heart, son?
Absolutely.
And even her generous gift
to ya of the ancestral home,
the beautiful Belle Isle,
has not eased the grief, pain and
sufferin' in your heart now, has it?
Not a hell of a lot.
No.
Irwin, admit
that you are a sinner.
Uh, well I've sinned. Didn't
take any Polaroids or anything.
But... I've sinned.
Yeah.
The Lord forgives ya!
Thank you. Thank you
very much. Thank you.
Thank you. Amen.
What? Other sins?
Uh, I parked in a handicapped
spot on my way over here.
Actually on
a handicapped person.
I told him I'd be out in five
minutes so that's not such a big deal.
There have been other things. They're
personal, so I wouldn't wanna get into it on TV.
But I have sinned and I'm
sorry about it. Thanks.
God forgives ya!
Amen.!
The good Lord
is gonna ease...
the pain and sufferin'
in your heart...
with a bright light
of grace.
Look out, you demons!
Demons, demons, out!
Oh! That was great.
Praise the Lord.
Another soul saved by Jimmy
Lee Farnsworth. How about that?
I dangled Belle Isle like bait in
front of Jimmy Lee and he took the hook.
I could tell, at the heart, he was a
deeply religious man and I liked his teeth.
Once we've had
a chance to expand,
Bibleland's gonna be like
some kind of heaven on earth...
if it isn't already.
- There's the hotel.
- Hi, Reverend.
We call it the Heavenly Hilton
and Convention Center.
Beyond that is the
Farnsworth Bible College.
If you look down the road, you see
the Jump for Jesus Trampoline Center.
- What do you think?
- It's unbelievable.
You don't suppose I use too many
photographs of myself, do ya?
No! No!
It worked for the Ayatollah.
Mr. Fletcher, your Belle Isle's
a bit rundown.
That sucker's gonna eat
you alive in maintenance.
You don't know how much your
land would mean to our ministry.
And to God, too, of course. After all, he
does give us our guidance now, doesn't he?
- Amen!
- You bet your ass.
Like my mother used to say,
"There's a tick for every dog. '"
What did your mother
mean by that?
Why in God's name you let Farnsworth's
ministry burrow into your fur?
Why would you even think of givin' away your
property when you got a big cash offer on it?
I don't know. I guess I thought,
after a lifetime of hedonism,
it was time
to rededicate my life.
Nah, I just wanted to see what would
happen if I went along with him.
Well, it happened.
The sheriff's office called.
The charges against you
have been dropped.
Is that right?
Mm-hmm.
The ministry has a good deal
of influence around here.
I suppose you've heard
that your...
aunt was under considerable emotional
strain in the weeks before she died?
Yeah, I've heard that.
So was my mother.
They took advantage of her.
These Holy Rollers.
When she was at death's door, they
preyed on her faith and her fear.
When she was no longer able
to make rational decisions,
persuaded her to give away our
land for that amusement park.
My guess is that your speedy
conversion and your promised gift...
played no small part in the
charges against you being dropped.
Well, whatever.
At least I'm off the hook.
And who or what do they think is
responsible for Amanda Ray's death?
The autopsy report
come in today.
They said she died of a
heart attack. Natural causes.
Either she had
some congenital defect...
or... you're one
hell of a lover.
Probably both.
I needed more background on Farnsworth
so I called Frank for a favor.
Maybe I should've asked him
to check out Calculus Entterby.
I liked him, but I wasn't buying
his Amos and Andy routine.
He seemed a lot smarter
than that.
I never took you to be no
murderer. That's a relief.
So who's the
odds on favorite now?
Nobody.
They're sayin' she dropped
dead in her sleep. Yeah!
The odds on that?
Same as catchin' a bass
this afternoon.
What's that?
About 258,000 to one.
You sure you
don't wanna back out?
I'm in.
This be the morgue?
Have the police come yet?
What? The police! They was bringing
a doctor to make a death certificate.
You got a stiff, boy, you're
in the right place. Where is it?
In my Cadillac.
Put him on the gurney. Take him
in the back with the rest of'em.
Don't bother me.
I'm watchin The Terminator.
You better put a steerin'wheel
on that. Excuse me, sir.
I'll be right back now.
- What's that stickin' out?
- His lucky golf cap.
Hey.!
You gotta tag his toe.
- He got a name?
- Eldridge Cleaver.
Take him in the back,
strip him. Hold it.
Let's see what Mr. Cleaver has,
or should I say, had.
Wait a minute.
Shouldn't I get that?
Tell you what.
I'll make you a deal.
You call me whenever you want,
I'll tell you what time it is.
Now get movin!
- Eldridge Cleaver.
- Shh.
Good evening, Mr. Hoffa.
Amanda Ross. Amanda Ross.
Five.
Can I take a look?
Yeah, go on.
Boo!
Any mail for me?
You don't have a Tic-Tac,
do you?
What happened?
I black out?
Did I land the plane
safely? Passengers hurt?
No.
Everything's okay?
Check that air-conditioning.
What'd you find out, Fletch?
Cremated. I wouldn't be surprised if all
the paperwork was burnt up with the body.
The morgue proved to be
a dead end.
But I guess it is
for most people.
I had three questions. Why was
I cleared in Amanda's death?
Why, if she wasn't murdered, was
the body so quickly destroyed?
And finally, when it comes to stewed prunes,
are three enough or are four too many?
When I got back to Belle Isle, there
was a cozy fire in the fireplace...
and on the roof, on the walls
and on the porch.
It was great.
Think maybe I should pack.
Guess you'll be movin' in
with me now. Thanks, Cal.
Look at the bright side. You won't have
to bother dusting anymore. Yes, sir!
Here's your diet plate.
Thank you, Miss Selma. Does everything
around here come with the head still on it?
- You bet, honey.
- Glad I didn't order a hamburger.
I'd say grace,
but I don't wanna wake him up.
Are you religious?
I believe in a God that
doesn't need heavy financing.
How you doin', Mr. Barbour?
How's it goin', Calculus?
Fine, fine.
This here's Mr. Fletcher.
He's the new owner of Belle
Isle, or whatever's left of it.
Yeah, I heard about your
fire. Sorry about that.
You know, you've had your share of
problems ever since you've been here.
How about me and the boys showing
you some real Southern hospitality?
You ever been
on a coon hunt?
Now a coon hunt is like an English fox
hunt, except we cut through all the bullshit,
all the fancy clothes and
music, all the beautiful women.
We reduce the experience
to its essence.
Yeah, a bunch of sweaty drunks
chasin' a scared animal.
You're damn right.!
What am I supposed to do?
The dogs do most of the work.
We just follow the dogs, they
tree the coon, we get him down.
This drug testing
has gone too far.
Take a jolt.
Kick-a-poo joy juice?
Oh, stronger than that!
Whoo!
Aren't you coming?
Nah, it ain't safe for a black man to
be chasin' around these woods at night...
unless he be handcuffed
to a white man.
I'll see you back at... my
"domiside." You want some of this?
You haven't lived till
you've been on a coon hunt,
and after that,
you don't want to.
But it gave me a chance to
snoop around the neighborhood.
The ministry seemed so hot
for all this land. Why?
Maybe they just wanted a remote
spot to bury Jim and Tammy.
Where the hell are we? Actually,
this is my place, or was.
I ain't been on it
since I sold the sucker.
This is your property over here and
that's Ham's mama's old place over there.
Don't you think we oughta
catch up with the boys?
Damn right. There's a couple of'em I don't
think I should leave alone with the dogs.
Oh, wait up.
Jesus! What happened
to my flower garden?
Everything's dead!
Yo, Barbour.! Rags has got a
water moccasin in his mouth.
Hey, we in luck. You wanna
jerk the head off a snake?
Oh, no.
I gave it up for Lent.
I'm not gonna miss the fun.
Hey, guys, wait up!
I never liked guns, especially
when they're pointed at me.
And this night a couple of people were
taking pot shots in my general direction.
It was time
to get outta there.
11:27 to be exact.
% Na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na% %
I was heartbroken to miss
the raccoon,
but all I wanted was a good night's
sleep so I headed for Cal's water bed.
Welcome back. Jimmy Lee
was on a roll tonight.
Ten salvations. Big
bucks. You catch a coon?
I was shot at. Somebody's
sure trying to scare me off.
And they don't mind killing me
to underline the threat.
You were shot at? Yep.
Now, who would do that?
Damn shame. I'll go outside
and see what's goin' on.
What was it? I thought I saw somethin'.
I just fired in the air
to scare whatever it was.
Didn't sleep well that night, and
it wasn't the fault of the water bed.
Something was rotten
in this whole situation.
Figuring out that the thug
who dropped my watch...
was the same guy who stole it at the
morgue didn't take Sherlock Holmes.
Larry Holmes
could've figured that out.
I wasn't sure who'd be taking the next
shot at me, so I decided to work alone.
Fletch, perfect timing. I've
got just what you asked for.
Frank, stop salivating. I'm sending
you my Laker high-tops for lab analysis.
He's behaving very strangely.
He must be in trouble.
Somebody must be holding
a gun to his head.
Fletch, if you need rescuing,
just say,
"I believe Louisiana
is the Pelican State."
Okay, Frank. I believe Louisiana is the
Pelican State... as a matter of fact.
- What do you have on Farnsworth?
- I've got everything you need.
Jimmy Lee Farnsworth, former
used-car salesman in Biloxi.
In '77, he pleaded "no contest"
to a charge of check kiting.
'81, discovered by businessmen who helped
him found the Farnsworth Television Ministry.
Our sources indicate he may be a
target of federal investigation.
- Anything else?
- Uh, two marriages.
One daughter goes by wife's
maiden name. Becky Culpepper.
It was hard to believe that beautiful
Becky was Farnsworth's daughter.
But I wasn't gonna hold it
against her.
If I was gonna hold anything against
her, it certainly wouldn't be her father.
Fletch, I heard about the
fire. I hope you're all right.
I'm just fine.
I was just lying in the embers of my house,
trying to calm my nerves after being shot at.
What? You were shot at? I was thinking
what a good day to sell my property...
and move back to Los Angeles.
Is the buyer
still interested?
No, I'm afraid
he withdrew.
I still have five minutes on the
meter. Let's talk in your office.
Now, why don't you tell me
who your client is?
Is it the
Farnsworth Ministry?
Why would you say that?
And who is shooting at you?
Maybe the
Reverend Farnsworth.
Look, Jimmy Lee Farnsworth
may be a lot of things,
but he's not a murderer.
You're right,
he is many things.
A former used-car salesman, a confessed
embezzler, your father, good square dancer.
That's right,
he is my father.
But I'm also
telling you the truth.
Becky, somebody wants my land
bad enough to kill me for it.
Now, if you don't tell me who your client
is, I'm gonna find out some other way.
It is guest healer's night
with Jimmy Lee on this...
the 4,323rd edition of our show
with tonight's special guests...
people with
the healing gift.
Excuse me. May I have your
name? I'm Claude Henry...
Claude Henry...
Claude Henry.
Claude... Claude or Clod is good. Henry.
Henry.
Smmoot.
Henry. Smmoot. S-M-M-O-T-T.
I'm sorry. Two "O's," one "T."
I'm a guest healer.
Smmoot, a guest healer.
Yes. Healed.
God bless you.
With Mimsy Carlyle.
Wait here.
The heavenly feet...
of Damon Feather.
God's simian favorite,
Mr. Coco.
The guest healers who have volunteered
for tonight's show will follow Jimmy Lee.
And now the founder
of our show,
your friend,
Mr. Good News himself,
Jimmy Lee Farnsworth.!
You know,
I have a feeling that there's someone out
there amongst us who needs to step forward.
Gordon Joe James.
Gordon Joe James.
Who are you?
Gordon Joe lost a limb
to a pit bull.
Gordon Joe, will you please
stand and raise your right hand?
Left hand.
Excuse me, left hand.
There you are.!
Bibleland Two.
Jimmy Lee's dream.
He was like some deranged
Walt Disney.
It was all in front of me.
Ham Johnson's place.
His mother's bequest.
Belle Isle.
The numbers on the boxes were certainly
not zip codes. Maybe computer codes.
All I needed now was a computer, and a
ten-year-old kid to teach me how to use it.
% Cash or check%
% Or MasterCard%
% MasterCard% %
Bobby Ralph?
Peter Lemongello.
Your house is on fire.
What? They told me to tell
you, your house is on fire.
I'll take over.
God bless you!
God bless you
for believing this shit.
There was a new element I hadn't
anticipated:: A second suspect.
Becky's client was not the ministry, but
some secret entity called Everest Development.
She never knew who they were.
Becky was a good girl, and wouldn't
have to be spanked. Damn it.
Who's gonna be the next one
to get the call?
Who's gonna be
the next one saved?
- Who's going to be...
- T'Boo Ted Marshall.
T'Boo Ted Marshall,
are you with us tonight?
Yes, indeed, Reverend.!
But how can God help my problem?
T'Boo Ted is a...
Compulsive gambler.
T'Boo Ted, the first you
gotta do is expose that problem!
Excuse me?
If you can't expose that
problem, at least to your family,
it grows and grows, and becomes
an even bigger problem.!
That's true!
He's been a compulsive gambler
for 20 years.
Because you've had this
affliction for more than 20 years,
I think you should
expose that problem to us...
right here... tonight.
I want you to do it. The
good Lord wants you to do it!
- You really think so?
- I know so!
Do it. Do it now!
Well, if you say so.
Oh, God,
put your pants back on.!
Coming right back to introduce
our guest healers.
Let's welcome all of them
beginning with Claude Henry Smmoot.
Come on out, Claude!
Here we are.
I have a headache.
No, Claude, this way.
You're gonna do just fine.
Now, get out there. Go on.
I said, get out there now!
Here he is!
Make him welcome, folks!
Welcome, Claude Henry.
When was the very first time,
the very first moment that made
the difference in your life?
Well, Jimmy Lee, I was...
I was, uh,
on my gazebo, on the roof
making some repairs,
and I was struck
by lightning.
I have had acute migraine headaches
and blurred vision since then.
But praise the Lord, that
was my lucky day because...
ever since then I have had
the healing power.
Amen. God bless you. Thank you
very much. Good night. Thank you.
Claude Henry. Good night.
What? What happened? Yes?
Before you heal another,
would you like for me to attempt
to heal your own affliction?
No, no! No, no. No, those
of us with perfect faith...
have no need
of perfect vision.
We have no need of wisdom.
We have no need of anything except
the creature comforts and lots of them.
Hallelujah.! Amen.! God bless
you. Amen. Thank you. Hallelujah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
he sees more than he doth know.
- Yes, I do.
Amen!
Claude Henry has the gift.!
Would you use that gift, Claude
Henry? Would you use it now?
I guess I could.
Praise be.
Reverend, I sense that
in our audience...
there is a gentleman
by the name of Jim Bob.
Jim Bob, would you stand up?
Would you rise, please?
Sixteen, 17...
I sense that Jim Bob
is a young man.
That he is between
the ages of 25, 27.
That's more like it.
I feel the Lord is telling me that
Jim Bob suffers from the same...
Satanized affliction that I
suffer from: : Migraine headaches.
Don't you, Jim Bob?
Is that you?
Come on down, Jim Bob.!
Praise be.! Hallelujah.!
Amen.!
Praise the Lord!
Be saved!
Jim Bob, welcome.
God bless you.
Jim Bob, how long have
you had these headaches?
About five, 10 minutes.
God... help him!
- And how do you feel now?
- It's a throbbing...
God bless you. A throbbing headache
comes up through your heels,
up through the hip bone, the knee bone,
up the spine, up through your back,
through your head like Satan
was belching through you?
- Is that it?
- Exactly.
- Do you believe?
- I believe.
He believes! Hallelujah!
Amen! God bless. Amen.
Hallelujah.
Rid this man of these headache
demons, of these migraine demons.
Heal this man!
Amen!
Amen!
Hallelujah!
Oh, good golly, Miss Molly!
How do you feel, son?
My headache is gone, but...
God bless him! Is there
anything else I can do for you?
No! No. Good! God bless you. Praise be.
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you so much. Ouch!
I am worn to the bone.
Thank you very much for
gracing us with your presence.
Good night. Praise be!
Maybe I was wrong
about Farnsworth.
There was a new player in the
game: : Becky's unknown client.
I had to find out more, and the
only way was to get into her pants...
I mean, her car. At least it
had brakes. Her car, that is.
Fletch, what
are you doing?
The guy who works in there
stole my watch.
He dropped it while he was trying to kill
me. I'd just as soon he not recognize me.
I'd like to keep an eye on him.
Maybe he'll lead us to his boss.
How long are we
gonna be here?
Bored?
Oh, no!
This is exciting!
Fletch?
What?
I have to pee.
The same thing used to happen
whenever I'd play hide-and-seek.
I always got caught. You think
the morgue has a ladies' room?
Hey.
Not so close. Try to get a
little distance between you.
I'm gonna have to play it pretty
tough in there. Still have to pee?
I gather the rain
isn't helping a lot.
- There's always the bushes.
- I'll be okay.
If I'm not back in five minutes,
call your dad.
Could I have a soda, please?
Diet Pepsi or a Tab
would be good.
- Hey, pussy.
- Name's Ed. Ed Harley.
Are you sure
you're in the right place?
I think so.
"Think so"!
Ed, what are you doin' here?
I'll give you a hint.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Hmm?
You don't get it?
You're the one
that doesn't get it.
Ed Harley.
Harley-Davidson Motorcycles.
You own the company?
Well, my granddaddy started it. Then my
daddy screwed Davidson out of his half.
Now I own the whole thing.
- Harley-Davidson?
No shit? - No shit.
Hey, y'all, Ed Harley
of Harley-Davidson!
We're the Nazis from Natchez!
Who're you callin',
babe?
Knock it off! Yo, boss, look who's here!
Harley-Davidson. Yo, Ed, come
over here and meet the boss.
Hi. Ed Harley, the Third.
Harley-Davidson Motorcycles.
If you need any T-shirts or decals,
I can make arrangements for you.
I just can't wait.
- What model do you ride?
- '78 XL.
'78 XL? That's a legend!
It's not blue, is it?
- You in luck, white boy. Come on.
- Oh!
There she is. Ain't she
beautiful? Original blue!
Oh, she is a beaut. Gee, golly,
I'd love to ride this '78 XL.
Nobody...
touches my Hog.
- Sorry. - If you wanna ride
that low-rider, that's all right.
Hell, we'll all ride.
Fire 'em up!
Do you mind if...
Darleen.
- If Darleen rides with me?
- Feeling a little horny, Ed?
Yeah. You know, my life
isn't all hubs and gears.
Take it easy.
% All right now%
% Hey, hey
We're gonna go out tonight%
Little murky in the oxydol.
We're gonna flush that out,
suck it, streamline it.
Hey, your mustache
looks funny.
Oh, boy.
Hey, look at that!
Came off.
% One for the money
Two for the show%
% Gotta go, let's go
Hey, hey%
% Gonna go out tonight%
% Gonna have some fun%
% Everything
will be all right% %
What're we gonna do? Something that
will seem extremely stupid at first.
Oh, my God!
Yee-ha!
Home!
Oh, my God!
I'm a mess.
You want some coffee?
Sure.
I look like a raccoon.
I gotta get to work, although I don't know
why. All I do is sit with nothing to do.
The only work I've had in the last three
months has been with Everest Realty.
And look what that's gotten
me. Can I use your phone?
Sure, go ahead.
That's toxic waste on the soles.
What have you been doing?
Jogging in the Love Canal.
What do you mean "toxic waste"?
- It's special. There's only 11 places that make this shit.
- Where?
Frank, just give me the ones
that aren't in New Jersey.
Ah, there's only one.
Yazoo, Mississippi.
Bingo.
I wanna thank you
for everything you've done.
I'm sorry I caused
such a mess.
Can I ask you a personal
question? Mm-hmm.
Did you finally get
to pee?
Yes.
Good.
You better get cleaned up.
Yeah.
Particularly my mind.
Where's the shampoo?
I'll get you some.
Here. You'll need
a clean towel too.
No, yours will be fine.
Fletch!
You're right.
This is too wet.
You know how
to get to Yazoo?
Well, you're in
the right vicinity.
The church seemed less
and less culpable.
Why would they want toxic waste next
to their land? Why would anybody?
Why are there four S's in Mississippi?
Four I's and only two P's...
and one "M'"
as far as I know?
Bly Bio Chem was the biggest
chemical plant in Mississippi.
My Laker shoes were ruined
by toxic waste produced there.
They probably knew who
delivered it to my backyard.
Now the lead-lined containers
painted with innocent bluebirds...
added a crucial piece
to the puzzle...
that had begun way back
in Amanda Ross's pants...
I mean, bedroom.
This is a secure area.
I'm very happy for you. Most people
live in terrible neighborhoods.
Are you the head honcho? That's
right, sir. Headly Dan Duke.
And what seems
to be your problem?
I agreed to take a shit load of
that Bluebird crap off your hands.
And it ain't come yet. I'm
very sorry, sir. And you are?
I are pissed!
Some damn fool told me it was on
back order, and I'd have to wait.
Whose signature is this?
Who signed that? I can't...
That's the trouble! It's
typical of a large corporation.
Lack of communication. That's
why I like to keep Everest small.
Oh, you're from Everest!
Now you're talkin'!
Elmer Gantry. Elmer Fudd Gantry. I'm
not sure there's anything I can do.
You could pull my file instead of
standing there pulling your pud!
Whatever you say, sir.
Bring me the Everest file.
Yes, sir.
Mr. Gantry?
I apologize for my bellicosity.
I've had a hernia operation.
Is that the stuff
I'm supposed to get?
Yes, sir. Why are they
wearing those funny suits?
They're protective, as you know. That's a
very corrosive by-product they're handling.
Oh, yeah. I guess if they
didn't wear those suits,
those boys would be so full of holes,
they'd whistle when they walked.
I've been spitting up blood,
pissing blood, bleeding.
I go through five
of these suits a day.
It appears you have
your facts wrong, Mr. Gantry.
Your company is supposed
to get 1500 gallons.
Destination someplace
called Belle Isle in Louisiana.
Signed for by an officer of
your company and due the 23rd.
So... we're right,
and you're wrong.
Let me see that.
Takes a big man to admit when
he's wrong. I am not a big man.
We're late again, because you
had to stay late at the jail.
Hurry up.
Just get out.
Are you all right?
You're wrecking my present.
My fault?
Wash and gas it.
Check the brake fluid, will ya?
My friends,
ladies and gentlemen.
With all the fun we've been having, I hope we
don't forget our real purpose here tonight...
to preserve the legacy
that nature has given us.
We are mere custodians of...
Bob Lee.
Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee.
Bobby Lee.
Bobby Lee Schwartz.
Schwartz.
Schwartz, the Second.
Fletch!
What you doin' here?
- What are you doin' here?
- You know me. I ain't happy unless I'm working.
Why, Fletch, I'm surprised to see
you here, sir. Welcome, sir, welcome.
My pleasure, my pleasure.
Thank you for not inviting me.
Oh!
I do believe we have
something to discuss.
Oh. Well, might I suggest we
repair ourselves to a quieter place.
Let us remove ourselves,
shall we?
Son of a gun, we'll have
big fun on the bayou.
My mama's room.
I've kept it just the
way it was when she died.
Her ashes?
She used to say, "We come from the
earth and we return to the earth,
and in between,
we garden."
A little gardening,
a little polluting.
They spelled my name wrong.
My gun's made of rubber.
How 'bout yours?
No.
I see your point.
Wouldn't do for your conservationists
guests to hear about...
that load of toxic waste heading
for my land at Belle Isle.
My land...
at Belle Isle, Fletch.
After you die, who's gonna prove that
you did not sell your land to Everest?
You may have this town
in your back pocket, Johnson,
but there are a lot of people downstairs
who are gonna be very interested...
in the hows and whys
of Amanda Ray's death.
She knew about Bluebird.
She started a file on you,
and you found out about it.
That was my lucky night. The night I found
the Bluebird file, the night you porked her.
I figured it was like an alligator shoot on
the freeway, if you'll excuse the metaphor.
- It's not a metaphor. It's a simile, to be precise.
- Whatever.
So you poisoned Amanda, figuring I'd sell
and get out if I was facing a murder charge.
- I don't scare easy. I'm too dumb.
- So it would seem.
Now get out of my mama's chair before
I put the first bullet up your nose.
Are you kidding?
You pull that trigger and 100
people will be up here in a second.
My dear boy, why would
I do my own dirty work?
Those hundred do-gooders down
there dressed in rebel crap...
will be my alibi.
Now get outta
my mama's chair!
I synchronized my beloved Laker
watch with Miss Culpepper's Timex.
If I dont join her at the ministry
in 10 minutes, the whole ugly story...
goes out on
the Farnsworth Network.
Of course, it's cable, but...
- You're bluffing, Fletch.
- No, I'm not.
You think you're not...
but you are.
Swell.
- Did he hurt you?
- Not yet. That comes later.
Sorry, Becky.
The band won't take a break for some
time, so screaming would be futile.
Mr. Fletch's convenient
appearance has allowed us...
to move up our plans for your
demise to coincide with his.
Now I'm goin' downstairs
to be the gracious host.
Do what you have to do.
- The bride of Frankenstein.
- Put my mama down!
Oh! I'm sorry.
Oh, how clumsy of me.
Oops! I'm sorry. I stepped
right on her mustache.
Get away! Get away!
- Sorry. I was just trying to help.
- It's all right, Mama.
You should be more careful
where you put your breakables.
I've been careful
all my life.
When she was sick,
I was careful.
Then that goddamn Jimmy Lee's
ministry... taking everything she had.
Bloodsuckers!
It's gonna be all right, Mama.
And when we're far, far away...
from this godforsaken
chemical swamp,
we're gonna sit back and
watch 'em all just decompose.
That should be good for Bibleland's business,
all their customers glowing in the dark.
I hope they all fry
in hell!
- You bloodsucking bastards!
- Isn't this interesting?
- Put that down.
- She really is in there.
- Put that down.
- She seems to have lost a little weight.
I thought you had her stuffed and
mounted. Here she is. Head's up!
Ohh! Ohh!
Becky!
Swine... Darryl, are
you having a good time?
Welcome to great Noah's Ark...
where we have a flood
every 10 minutes.
In the...
No! This way.
Join our pyramid of prayer.
For only $12,
you begin your exciting journey
up the pyramid.
And when you reach the top,
you're gonna be the target
of 20,000 prayers!
A lady in Fargo, North Dakota broke the
chain and began a five-day fit of sneezing...
that ended in her death.
Daddy?
Well, Mr. Fletcher, what a pleasant
surprise. And, Becky, what are you...
Look who's here! Hamilton
Johnson! Friend of the community.
Ham, you look like you've
worked up quite a sweat.
Maybe you should dry your hair
first. Do you want a towel?
Uh-oh, he's got a gun.
Show your lovely face on national television.
Let 'em see that greedy glint in your eye.
Let 'em hear
that bullshit chuckle, Ham.
Who's gonna save you now,
Fletch?
You'll have to shoot through
me, you son of a bitch!
He's not gonna shoot anybody. Are
you, Ham? You're on television now.
You haven't got the guts.
- My mistake.
- Freeze!
F.B.I. Drop the gun!
I said, drop it. Harry!
And it's my plan to rerun this
incident every night during Sweeps Week.
The obvious question is... What did
you know and when did you know it?
And how long did you plan
on letting me twist in the wind?
Up to a point. The Agency was
barking up the same tree you were.
Jimmy Lee's finances.
Yep.
It was easy for Harry and Field Officer
Vincent to infiltrate the ministry.
Field Officer Vincent?
That's Mr. Coco's
real name.
We've been working on
this case for over a year.
Excuse me, Agent Goldstein, the officer
would like to speak to you. Surely.
Goldstein?
Thank you, sir.
Ding dong,
the wicked witch is dead.
So what's next, Fletch?
Back to L.A.?
There's no place like home.
Unless home is here.
You know what? We gotta get you
away from this chemical swamp.
I was wondering...
Do you like smog?
Back home there was
a surprise party for me.
But the nicest surprise was an insurance
check for the Belle Isle fire... $ 100,000.
However, no one stopped Bly Bio Chem
from dumping that toxic waste on my land.
They told me not to worry. Its
half-life was estimated at 3,000 years.
Everything okay, Fletch?
Betty was a little pissed off
about giving up her office,
and accounting gave me some flak
about the new car, but trust me,
everything's gonna be just the
way you want it, maybe better.
I like your attitude, Frank.
Excuse me just a sec. What a guy!
I thought I told you...
never to come to my workplace.
Time's change, my dear Fletch.
Rumor has it that you have inherited
a sizable piece of property.
Who told you?
I have my sources too.
These sources also suggest that you may
have been considering skipping town...
and retiring
on this vast estate.
Thus skipping out on your
financial responsibilities.
Would I do that? Wendy could
probably get half of it anyway.
So in return for the other half,
we would forego any other claims.
Think about it.
You would never see me again.
Where do I sign?
I'll never see you again?
Never.
You realize this is
my family land?
Does it please you to
rip out my ancestral roots?
I was born and raised
in a briar patch.
Now Wendy can live
a life of leisure.
Clean air, clean water. This is
the way she was destined to live.
Okay, Gillet.
You've broken me.
I hope you're happy.
% Hey, hey
We gonna go out tonight%
% Hey, hey
We gonna go out tonight%
% We gonna have some fun
Everything will be all right%
% Ohhh%
% All right%
% Make a change in your life%
% And make it for the better%
% Don't you wait no longer%
% It just set you back further%
% It's not for the young%
% It's not for the old%
% It's not for the crazy%
% It's not for the bold%
% It's not for one generation%
% It's for
the whole damn nation%
% I say, the whole
damn nation%
% Make a change in your life%
% And make it for the better%
% Don't you wait no longer%
% It just set you back further%
% It's not for
the black and white%
% It's not for
the yellow and red%
% It's not for
the sick and homeless%
% It's not for just one race%
% It's not for
one generation%
% It's for
the whole damn nation%
% I say, the whole
damn nation%
% Make a change in your life%
% And make it for the better%
% Don't you wait no longer%
% It just set you back further%
% It's not for the young%
% It's not for the old%
% It's not for the crazy%
% It's not for the bold%
% It's not for one generation%
% It's for the whole
damn nation%
% I say, the whole
damn nation%
% Make a change in your life%
% Make it for the better%
% Don't you wait no longer% %