Future '38 (2017) Movie Script
1
Hi, I'm Neil deGrasse
Tyson, astrophysicist.
In addition to probing the
secrets of the universe,
I'm also a movie buff.
Today, I introduce you to a film
that everyone thought
was lost forever
until a print was
recently discovered
in a Hollywood
Vault, Future '38,
forgotten treasure from 1938.
It's one of the
first color pictures,
preceding Gone with the
Wind and The Wizard of Oz
by a year, but what interests
me most is the science.
Finally, a movie that
gets time travel right.
The concepts and
technology imagined
for the film were so advanced,
they inspired an entire
generation of scientists
and engineers, and guess what?
When our hero travels
to the distant future,
where does he land?
The year 2018.
How did those 1938
filmmakers imagine our time?
What did they get wrong,
but more importantly,
what did they get right?
Let's find out.
We know look back at a film
that looks forward to today.
Roll projector.
Dateline 1938,
Germany re-arms.
For Adolf Hitler,
might makes Reich,
as his jackbooted
Jerries annex Austria
and swallow the Sudetenland,
Poland, Czechoslovakia, France,
what nation is next in
Adolf's agenda of aggression?
All Europe trembles as
World War number two looms,
and what of America?
What frantic preparations
for war are underway
in that great nation
across the sea?
General Sportwood will
see you in a moment.
Would you like a drink?
I don't mind if I do.
Whiskey always helps me wait.
Pour one on the pebbles, then.
I like that.
So what is it the general
wants to see you about?
Search me, I got a
telegram this morning.
Now what's that?
When they get to the bottom,
it flips over and
they start again.
They keep going
like that forever, eh?
Swell by me, it gives me
something to pass the time.
I only have 10 nails.
The general will see you now.
How do you do, I'm--
Jack Essex.
Drink?
Know all about you, Mr. Essex.
Graduated the army academy,
highest marks in history,
declined an officer's
commission, no reason given.
I didn't think the
uniform flattered my figure.
Sit.
No family, a string of, shall
we say, interesting jobs,
never long in one place.
Doesn't seem you have
much to hold on to, Essex.
How lousy for me.
Great for me though.
Makes you just the
man that I need,
that and your peak physical
condition, cigarette?
Let's say we skip
the shinola.
The man you need for what?
I needn't tell you
what's happening in Europe.
Hitler's running amuck and
freedom's on the schneid.
It'll be war before long.
Our military's just not ready.
You don't say.
We have a solution.
Here's Dr. Elcourt from
the laboratory of science.
Have you heard of Formica?
Sounds pretty scientific.
I am a scientist.
Watch this classified
film strip briefing.
Elke.
Mankind has long grasped
the theoretical destructive
power of Formica,
but can this mighty
forced be harnessed,
tamed, controlled?
Uncle Sam says yes with
project Top Secret,
a top secret project approved
by the highest authority.
A vast clandestine program
blending brilliant
brains with brute brawn.
Intellect and industry
inseparably intertwined.
The result, a Formica Bomb.
The bomb will be fueled by
the brand new formica isotope.
We may demonstrate its power
using an ordinary
household ice cube.
Tough luck ice cube.
You're no match for the
awesome power of formica.
Well that's swell if you're
planning to bomb a highball.
It's not powerful
enough just yet.
The isotope's power
increases over time.
At 60 minutes old, it
can melt one ice cube.
How long till it will juice
that firecracker of yours?
42 million minutes.
That's 80 years.
Exactly, but
freedom can't wait.
There's only one solution.
The isotope must be
fetched from the future.
You can't be serious.
I can be and am.
Elcourt and his
eggheads haven't merely
built a super bomb,
why, they've
invented time travel.
Scientists, we've
harnessed the link
between spatial and
temporal dislocation.
Care to warble in
English, songbird?
You caught that ball a quarter
second after he threw it.
What does that tell you?
I oughta play for the Dodgers.
If an object
moving through space
must also move through time,
then the reverse should be true.
We can throw a
baseball through time
if we accept that it will
also move through space.
I'm the baseball.
This dislocation
transducer will fling
you 80 years into the future.
Elcourt and his pencil pushers
can't even tell
where you'll pop up.
Scientists, it'll be some
place within this circle.
After 12 hours, the
dislocation will reappear
at the same spot to
fetch you back to 1938.
Miss it and you'll be
trapped in the future forever,
while our present
plunges into peril.
Now I'm as patriotic
as the next sap,
but this sounds a mite risky.
Perhaps this will help
you decide, $10,000,
wrapped up nice and pretty.
Payable upon return.
You just bought
yourself a sap.
And you just made a
wise choice, my friend.
I think I'll take
that drink now, general.
We know this is a lot for
you to remember, Mr. Essex.
I have a very good memory.
12 hours to find that
little gimcrack, eh?
In the great big 21st century.
It'll be right here.
Inanium steel, anchored to
the bedrock beneath this city.
This inanium, is
it bullet proof?
Yes.
Fire proof?
Yes.
Bomb proof?
Yes.
Why it's everything proof.
For 80 years, the isotope
sits, gaining power, waiting,
waiting for you to
bring it back to 1938.
Upon your return,
we'll detonate the bomb
out in the desert.
When Hitler sees
that, he'll sign
on to Good Neighbor
Policy in a Berlin minute.
Now here, put this on.
What's this?
It's called a chronotard.
Galvanically snug
so as not to jostle
your temper moods.
I wouldn't want them jostled.
Without the
chronotard, you'd arrive
in the future quite nude.
Mabel, get me two green
five, three one nine.
This whole time
travel business,
it all seems a bit like
cheating mother nature.
Perhaps it is and
like any good mother,
she can only be fooled once.
You must succeed, Essex, there
can never be another chance.
Engineering, activate
precisely at noon.
Guard this key with your life.
It's the only one in the world.
Where am I to?
Anything you take must be
inserted inside your body.
Your mouth, Essex.
Of course.
20 seconds.
10 seconds.
You mustn't lose that key.
An apartment.
Welcome to the hit parade,
sponsored by the
hit pomade, Groom-U.
This number's the
dizzy doozy of 2018,
The Tipsy Tinglers, which
set my toes a twinkle.
Telephone.
Number please.
Ouch.
Who are you?
Mabel, your operator.
Number please.
Amazing.
Put me through to the war
department, won't you?
I'm sorry, I've no listing
for any war department.
Have you another query, sir?
You know I read where
they've discovered a brain
eating bacteria.
You won't have to worry, Iota.
Oh, thanks Lux.
Thanks for the
excursion, gals,
anything to get out
of this salt mine, I--
Who's this broad
shouldered thrill?
Cradle the blower, mac,
no using the telephone
unless you're guest.
I'm sorry I didn't mean to--
Didn't mean to glom
a free call, yeah,
it was a quaint
misunderstanding, sure.
I was born in the year
1990, not yesterday.
My name is Essex.
I'm Banky, I run the joint.
These are my pals, Lux and Iota.
We all met at
the beauty parlor
and ever since we've
been insufferable.
Well, I am--
Text message for
Banky Butterfield.
From whom?
Lloyd Bellnord,
noted violinist.
Dear Banky, let's make
beautiful music together.
Any reply?
Go fiddle with yourself, LOL.
What's LOL?
Lay off Lloyd.
Some way to talk to
an opulent admirer.
Plenty of suitors, but
none of 'em suit her.
I was gonna throw
him over anyway.
He lives in Brooklyn.
Squarest part of town.
Besides, I can't
stand philanderers.
I think some
flowers could really
brighten up the place.
Well, I was just looking--
Dang.
I wrote a swell new riddle.
You girls wanna hear it?
What do you wait
for but never want
and follow by stopping?
Why, that's fine, Iota.
Very good.
Well, what do you
want for but never want
and follow by stopping?
Oh, I wouldn't know.
I only write the questions.
There's another fella
that writes the answers.
Go on to your room, girls.
I'll send your parcels
in the dumbwaiter.
You sure you're
all right, honey?
I'm ritzy.
It's a laughing hour
running this place.
Okay, Banky, have a sienna.
Have a sienna.
Your friend Lux,
she's allowed here?
Allowed?
Only when the fleeting, really,
and no one much
complains, thick walls.
I've seen you before?
Not very likely, I'm
from the past, sedena.
Visiting from the Pasadena.
I don't know
from the Pasadena,
but here in the New York,
there's such a thing
as checking in.
Checking out.
Oh, did you have
a pleasant stay?
The radiator didn't work.
That's because the
radiator doesn't work.
Oh, help the boy with
your valise, won't you?
Good morning.
Dollar 27 a night.
Paying cash or will you put
it on your charge plate.
I haven't any
money I'm afraid.
I have it there, enough
with a nickel to spare.
I'll ring the boy
for your luggage,
though you'll have
to carry it, front.
I actually haven't any luggage
and I don't think I'll
go to my room just yet.
Say, Banky, can I have
just a little trickle?
It's scarcely noon.
Suppose it is, guess
I better be seeing
to those linens.
I guess you better have.
Essex.
Now what's the point
of a bellhop can't hop?
What's the point of flinging
an old fool to the curb?
I let him flop for free.
The monkey suit lets him
feel he earns his keep.
He thinks he looks out for me.
Buttons a swell magenta.
Drunk?
He's a drunk,
they're not the same.
What the meter reads at
this particular moment,
I couldn't say.
Now I think of it, you whiff
of whiskey too, old stuff.
I haven't had a
drink in decades.
Living on handouts doesn't
make me think much of a man.
He isn't much of a man.
Suppose I oughta
give him a bow job.
I beg your pardon?
A bow job.
Oh, you know, a Robo
Job, mechanical robot,
helps around the house,
or don't people give bow
jobs where you come from?
They give 'em.
They're the
latest convenience,
have such trouble with
the walls, though.
Light me.
I say, you trying
to to torch my visa.
Amazing.
Bell boy's all right.
Why, he didn't even notice
you wearing his clothes.
Why are you wearing his clothes?
When I first came in here,
I had on a swell suit, see,
I was togged to the bricks.
Pasadena's juviest, proceed.
Well, then I slipped and fell
on this sharp letter opener,
pinked my garb to ribbons.
So you changed into
the old bird's feathers.
They were sitting
right on the davenport.
Couldn't have
someone waltz along
while I standing
there unabridged.
No, that would be ludicrous.
So, where are the other duds?
Yes, I think so.
The threads, you daft.
Should be around here, right?
Actually I flung
'em out the door.
Oh.
And don't bother
eyeing the avenue,
the rag man was coming
by and they fluttered
right into his car,
long gone by now.
How convenient.
For the rag man, oh certainly.
Say, I've gotta go.
Would you show me about?
I really oughta
hoover the linoleum.
Please, I have a place to find
and this entire
world is new to me.
Being from Pasadena.
Suppose I will, I
could use a little fun
and you're Coney Island
without the smell.
Funny he'd leave his
clothes in the foyer.
Amazing, glorious, stupendous.
Outlandish costumes,
yearning skyscrapers.
Life's rich pageant.
What brings you to NY anyway?
You could say I'm running
an errand for the government.
Ooh, upstanding
citizen type, eh?
I'm in it strictly
for the cash, sister.
Uh huh.
First thing is to
find the War Department.
It's on Delancy.
I don't know any
Delancy Street.
Don't know Delancy Street?
You must not go down much.
I go down.
Oh, you hungry, we
could go to McDonald's?
McDonald's?
Nice little Irish place.
Hold up, I just wanna check CNN.
CNN?
Yes, City National Newspaper.
Oh, I'm sure there's a
newsstand nearby somewhere.
Newsstand, how quaint.
Ain't you heard of the
24 hour news cycle.
Here it comes now.
Extra, extra, Diplo wing
ding,
Extra, extra.
Put it on my account.
Read all about it.
Extra, extra.
Someone left their
dinner service on the curb.
This is fancy stuff.
Don't they have
bendo in Pasadena, bub?
Bendo?
Yeah, it's made from gasoline
or brilliantine or something.
You fling it after one use.
Why ever would you use
something and then fling it?
Seems everything's
bendo these days.
Once used, it's
melted down and turned
into something else.
Doesn't sound very permanent.
That's the beauty part.
Tomorrow that'll be
a foon, probably.
Foon?
What on earth is?
Where are all the skirts headed?
What am I, the earl of answer?
To their jobs, I expect.
But they're old
enough to be married.
Pardon me, where are you going?
To the construction site.
A homemaker, isn't that nice.
Don't get involved, Banky.
Excuse me, what do you do?
Why, I cook and
clean and tend house.
Your husband
must be very happy.
My husband happens
to be a wife.
And I am very happy indeed.
Did you hear that?
They're jolly, what of it?
But they're married.
City hall's been hitching
jollies for 40 years.
Guess they're no smarter
than the rest of us.
These automobiles are kippy.
Keep petting my
coop and she'll
expect dinner and a show.
Beautiful, so
smooth and straight.
It's the ought nine Zesta.
Peach of a flipper.
Care to go motoring?
Well, really I don't--
Certainly.
Utopia Drive, Progress Ave.
Never heard of these
streets before.
Say, what's that wigwam?
That's the Shriner's
HQ, great bunch of goons,
swell fellas.
It's all who you know.
That's the Groom-U plant.
That is the Formica Institute
oh and that's the
League of Nations.
Haven't been in a
car like this before.
A Zesta, you call it?
Detroit's finest.
Criminey.
Flies like a cloud, don't she?
Don't even need a key.
Key, right.
Say, what time is it?
I'll check my telephone.
Operator, oh, operator.
How may I help you?
Say, Mabel,
what's the o'clock?
1:45 precisely on the tone.
10 and a quarter hours left.
Say, Lester, where's
Delancy Street from here?
Can't say as I've heard of it.
Really?
Pull over, I'll
ask this flatfoot.
Oh.
Just there.
Say you wanna go out?
That's the plan, peppy,
if you'll throw the bolt.
With me, I mean.
Darling.
Hit the speaks, you know?
Color the city crimson.
Really, I don't.
Oh, come on.
I'll telephone sometime,
what's your combo?
Sky alert three, two 17 five,
three, two, one.
Swell, I'm Les.
I'll say.
Officer, could you direct
us to Delancy Street?
No, of course,
can't says I know it.
Are you quite sure.
I know every
street in this burg
or my name isn't
Seamus O'Reilly.
Check the electromesh.
Electromesh?
Sure the global
system allowing access
to all the information
in the world.
How do I do that?
Well you, how do you
check the electromesh?
You're trying to
give me the hot foot?
You'll have to excuse him,
he's from Pasadena.
Go to a computer parlor,
just like everybody else,
now beat along before I
book you on suspicion.
Computer parlor?
Come on, I know
the best one in town.
If it isn't a little Banky.
How's Clanky today?
Kicking but she'll manage.
Here to check up on
your old boyfriends?
No, those eggs went
bad a long time ago.
He's your customer today.
I'm along for the fresh air.
You wanna latch
into the electromesh,
wait your turn at the console.
Oh.
That's the problem
with computers,
you waste so much time on line.
Got another search engine.
Well, go on.
I'm sorry, what is
the electromesh exactly?
The electromesh is
the global system
allowing access to all the
information in the world.
Isn't that what the cop said?
Yes.
We're gonna be
here till Arbor Day,
listen, Clanky, where
is the war department.
No current listing.
Telling you it's
on Delancy Street.
How do I get to
Delancy from here.
No current listing.
Hey Banky, come
on, people are waiting.
I just can't figure it.
That electromesh job is supposed
to know everything, right?
Well, yeah, it's
the electromesh.
Why no war
department, no Delancy,
what's going on?
Handsome, listen to me.
You're looking for a
place that doesn't exist
on a street that's not a street.
You act like you
don't know ish-kibble
about bow jobs,
broads, or bendo,
when some Jasper shows
you his crummy old Zesta,
you act like it's a
next year's Pontelux.
I have to tell you you
caught amnesia or something.
Well, I did take
a crack to the bean.
Sure, you're just a
little cuckoo, goofy.
Slug nutty.
Better ice that berg.
Am I crazy?
I remember another time,
another world so clearly.
I feel that way sometimes,
came from Saskatoon
to star on a stage,
wound up front of
house at a flop house.
My old life and friends,
I guess I keep it
all locked away.
Remembering I get sad.
Shut up, Banky, you're
being prolix.
Hi, how are you?
Saskatoon, eh?
Mm hmm.
Do you go back?
I don't think I can go
back until I succeeded
what I came here for.
I know the feeling.
If crazy people feel sane,
and if you feel sane,
how can you be sure
you're not crazy?
Let's double down
on the ice, I think.
I thought I would
recognize something,
a building, a street, something,
everything just changes.
Way of the world, I suppose.
Nothing's carved in stone.
Carved in stone.
I think I was here.
I was in knee pants.
It must have been 100 years ago.
Feels that way sometimes.
There were rail road tracks.
Here.
This hasn't been
real tracks since--
My dad said "Jackie, let's
make our mark on the world."
He had a chisel.
This was all bare rock then,
but they ought yet be
here under the dirt.
What had?
His name was William.
Need something to dig with.
This is crazy,
you're a sick man
who should be in bed with
two ice cubes on his head,
of all the prize notions,
watching you root for truffles
while I have a flop to furbish,
it's work, work,
work, and dough I make
you could put in your eye.
Why a girl can't--
William Essex, Jack Essex.
How did you know that
would be under there.
There we are, my dad and me.
Funny, it's like I'm
seeing him again,
long gone now,
suppose I am, too,
but now I know this
isn't a fever dream.
I wanna go back to that
Dick's place right now.
Sure, Essex, sure.
Just can't figure out
why no more Delancy.
Now, I think of it, didn't
Moses change the names?
No, he parted the Red Sea.
Oh, Robert Moses, you fern.
The mayor, years ago, he changed
all the old street names.
You might have
mentioned that previously.
Ancient history.
Got him down on one
knee already, Banky?
When's the nuptials?
Oh, don't mind him, Essex.
He's spent the past three
years studying abroad.
What's wrong with that?
I'm the broad.
Nerds.
Let's try again, Clanky.
Where is the war department?
No current listing.
Oh.
Where was the war department?
25 Arcadia Street.
Well, I'll be.
What is currently
at that spot?
The German consulate,
we found it.
Computers, bendo,
picture phones,
what happened in
the last 80 years?
Put it on my account.
Try the cuisine,
it's a specialty.
can thou bring a menu?
Menu, menu, menu.
Aren't you antique
now, no menus here.
It's just victual reality.
Victual?
VR, victual reality,
it's how you order.
Pretty standard.
Welcome to McDonald's,
may I take your order?
I can't believe it.
Sir?
He's from Pasadena.
He'll have the pork chop.
And for madame?
Birthday cake.
It's your birthday?
No.
Oh, I feel like I just cracked
the world's biggest
fortune cookie.
Fortune tells the future.
That stuff's all passed.
Depends on where
you're sitting, I guess.
1938, United States
detonates Formica Bomb.
Yeah, they kaibashed
some ghost town
in the desert, Las Vegas
or Vegas, something.
1939, Nazis fall from power.
World peace era begins.
World peace.
Sure, there hasn't
been a shooting war
in I don't know since when.
It's all thanks to formica.
Then my mission succeeded.
That is if I make it
back with the isotope,
but if I don't, history goes
a completely different way
and this is all a dream,
a dream that nobody ever had.
Cory Pemberdon is
on NBC Red tonight.
He's my favorite band leader.
1946, TV phone invented.
Man lands on moon, 1977.
Life discovered on Mars, 1991.
Yeah, those cucumbery things.
If you wanna read
all that old dope,
I'll give you a history book.
Okay, give me a history book.
Why would I have
a history book?
Life expectancy reaches 100.
Well, what with all
the science and all,
and everyone eats so healthy.
Pork chop and birthday cake.
Will you bring me a
martini with that, dry?
One third vermouth?
Perfect.
What is this?
Why it's a foon, of course.
You're gonna tell me they
don't have foons in Pasadena.
Why don't you know anything,
oh this is disturbing.
Banky, I've got to
tell you something
and you're gonna
find it very queer.
I run a New York
City flop house.
There is nothing
I find very queer.
I was sent here
from the year 1938
to save civilization.
That's very queer.
You see, I told you so.
That is very
queer, look at this.
Reception tonight
at German Consulate.
Same place that came
up in our mesh search.
coinqi-dinky
Banky, I am a time traveler
sent here on the most
important mission ever,
can't you get that?
Get this, I dated
a comedian once,
sort of fell for the clown,
then what happened?
He squirted his flower
in my face and took off
leaving me high and dry and wet.
Old Banky doesn't sprawl
for comedians anymore,
so keep your funny
stories to yourself.
But it's the truth.
I just don't grasp it,
maybe I'm not big enough,
mentally.
So long.
Bye.
Put it on my account.
That is really special.
We're going to the same place.
Yep.
Awkward having to
hoof it together.
Let's me start and
you wait 10 seconds.
No dice, it's my joint.
Why should I follow
you like the shovel man
at the elephant parade?
Well, then, let's you start
and I'll walk behind you.
Oh, so you can ogle my
caboose for 11 blocks?
Fat chance.
I'm getting a call.
Yes?
I have juniper four, seven
eight seven on the line.
Thanks, Mabel,
put her through.
Banks, you have
got to get back here.
Matzoh just showed.
Oh, Criminey, he did?
Yeah, with some big torpedo.
Bitter herb if I know him.
I think the angling for
some cabbage, why don't--
Hello?
Is there trouble on the wire?
The line's gone dead.
What was all that about?
The Jewish syndicate,
they run this town.
The boy tried
to throw them out.
Say, wouldn't you fellas
like to hear a nice riddle?
What do you wait
for but never want,
and follow by stopping?
Only thing funny
is that old geranium
trying to roust us.
You didn't laugh like that
when I busted your nose.
You, bust my nose?
Wise guy, eh?
Tell your golem to leave
and go, Matzoh, I'm here.
Drop him like an
empty dress Bitter.
Yeah, all right, Matzoh.
Say, you didn't have to--
Not so fast.
Case you're feeling frisky,
my boy here's
wearing a strap on.
Don't make him drill you.
How's my favorite
lady lodge keeper?
Why don't you go prick
your finger or vice versa?
Cool day today, lucky Banky.
Matzoh has this racket called
taking your temperature,
isn't that charming?
Bitter check CNN
for the weather.
Yeah, all right, Matzoh.
61 degrees.
61 bucks, foon it over.
Say, you haven't oughta--
The Saperstein family
offers protection
to half the city.
From who?
The Saperstein family.
Oops.
Clutzy Bitter.
He kaiboshed your atomizer.
Who needs to atomize?
This twist won't
raise a fuffle.
Go flip your gelt outside.
Yeah, all right, Matzoh.
Inscrutable Banky,
maybe you could do
with a good scruting.
Let's don't get Rudy tootie.
Could really bring
down the temperature.
I'd far rather
cope with the heat.
I'd give that yeg a varnish
were it not for the
Rosco in this tress.
How to distract him?
My pepper spray,
I always carry
in case I meet a
fellow I don't like.
She's never used it yet.
The weather
changes every day--
Hey, Matzoh.
Take this.
Lilac.
Oh, murder, it's my perfume.
Hands up, Matzoh,
you're surrounded.
Outside?
Slug him.
Ow.
That tooth hurts, doesn't it?
Jeepers, what'd
you hit him with?
My tin of Groom-U.
Where'd you learn
to throw your voice?
Had a stint in Vaudeville.
We'd better hide the Matzoh.
Bitter Herb will get salty
if Matzoh doesn't
rise right quick.
I'll handle it.
Say your boss is
on queer street,
the skirts conked him.
I tried to pull him out
and all I got was his coat.
Wait, put this on.
Why?
Matzoh's gun is in the pocket,
in case you need a spare.
Yeah, all right.
Oh.
Here's your
money, every degree.
Didn't have to do all that.
Well, you didn't do all
that, I did half that,
but still thanks, Essex.
I hate to see those
yegs vex you so.
It's not gonna make
'em squeal for joy
if I don't find some
real dough soon,
I may have to move
in with my mother.
Is that so bad?
Where does she live?
Woodlawn Cemetery.
Come along you too.
It's a good thing I was
close by in my prowl car.
We've been trying to nab
these two for a long time.
Oh, really?
O'Reilly.
There we go, come on now.
Out you go, out you go.
Come to the consulate
with me this evening.
There's something I have
to do before I can go home.
I know the feeling.
Sure I will.
No one has to tell
me when five's a crowd.
Come on, Iota, let's help him.
Pitiful to see
a man so dwindled.
Remind me to never
age around you.
If we're stepping
out, I oughta don
something swankier
than these dungarees,
and this won't do.
No, it's not really coming
off as I thought it would.
Just give it a pull.
Well, I am pulling,
dear, all right.
Large thumb joints.
Remarkable, it's like
glass, only cotton.
Try this o-AAAHH!
Quit the shenanigans, you'll
catch a stifle, my gosh.
The bell boy's?
Yes, the bell boy's.
Can't believe you're
gonna throw that stuff away.
It's bendo, it's expendable,
spendable, expendable.
Have to say the
old fossil has taste.
Good thing he's my size.
Well, aren't you
looking festooned?
Not so bad yourself.
Come on, we've got
a subway to catch.
Queer, I keep thinking people
are looking at me.
If you ask me, you got
a touch of the psychology.
Suppose you're right.
Nobody knows me here.
Oh, hold still,
primping ain't easy.
It's just the
consulate we're going to.
Besides, I can't see
much room for improvement
over your every day mug.
Jack Essex, I think you
just committed a compliment.
What exactly is it
we're looking for?
A safe.
What is it inside this safe?
Something to
prevent a world war.
Don't be a melon,
there could never
be a second world war.
There already was,
Banky, 80 years ago,
if it happened, if I succeed,
it doesn't happen, didn't
happen, won't happen.
Cut the...
All you need to
know is that inside
the German consulate,
there's a very old safe
with something priceless inside.
Metrocards, please?
This goes for both of us.
Please swipe again.
Please swipe again.
Please swipe again.
Train coming soon.
It's 7:53, should
be along presently.
She's running right on time.
I'm running out of time.
I must hurry.
Reporters only.
We just need to convince
him you're a scribe.
Let's cop the bus bee
from that old junko.
Say is that the bell boy?
Shazam, it is.
He stinks of whiskey.
Hey, boy, boy, wake up.
What are you doing here?
I remember now.
I remember now, what do
you suppose he meant by that?
It's the trickle talking.
Something's missing, hmm.
Uh huh.
Hey, presto, you're a reporter.
Hello, hello.
Hi, reporter.
Hello.
Hello.
I'm from the 24
hour news cycle.
Yes.
No reporters inside.
Herr Hitler's arriving soon.
Hitler?
Adolf Hitler?
He's from Pasadena.
Adolf's son, Lamont.
The German ambassador.
Lamont, yes, Lamont Hitler.
Yes, you know Lamont.
Of course, yes, yes, Lamont.
Here he comes.
Oh, here.
How will we get through?
We need to create
a distraction.
I've got it figured.
Rendezvous at the
door and hold these.
Shoe is a nice evening.
Ambassador Hitler,
what have you to say
to Mr. And Mrs. America
from coast to coast
and all the ships at sea?
I am here to
celebrate the friendship
between our nations.
For 80 years, Germany
has been a peaceful,
reasonable, harmless,
little nation,
and I look forward to many
more happy years between--
Banky pants'd Hitler.
Well, well, well, hurry,
do something, do something.
Who saw that,
turn that thing off?
I remember the layout.
The vault room should be there.
The reporter jag won't fly.
Scrubs are forebodin in here.
The right way.
You're a father.
I don't think so.
Here comes our hiney.
Quick, what's my name?
I don't know, oh,
ah, think of something.
When was your last confession?
I am Louis Smelling.
Consulate security chief.
Well.
Consulate security chief.
And you are who?
Herr Smelling, may I
present to you Father...
Land.
Fatherland?
Yes.
It's why I'm here,
because there is no bigger
fan of the father land
than Father Land.
I see and what exactly
is the name of your church,
may I ask?
Why, it's the church of...
Holy toledo.
The church of Holy Toledo.
Yes, it's in Toledo.
Toledo, yet, Criminey.
And your companion
is also from Toledo?
From there, why
I am the governor.
Mayor.
Governor Mayor.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Shall we revolve, Father?
Push, push.
What, what?
Push.
Herr ambassador, may
I present Governor Mayor
and Father Land.
At last, at last I meet
this charming creature
I've admired from
across the room.
Scolding, scolding, captain,
for keeping her
all for yourself.
It's nice to meet
you, Herr Hitler.
Delighted.
Smelling, did you
catch the rascal
who descended mine pantaloons?
Not yet, but we
will and then...
Come, come, captain,
what bureaucrat
is not caught with his pants
down from time to time.
Oh yes.
Naughty, naughty, must
not monopolize our guests.
That's a Hitler for you,
always taking over the party.
Ilsa, is our social director.
Ilsa, may I present Governor
Mayor and Father Land.
I leave you in good hands.
As titular hostess,
I welcome you.
You certainly are titular.
Have we met before?
As social director, I
meet so many handsome men.
Ahem.
Well, I must go,
I'm entertaining.
I'll say.
Oh my...
Wipe that frau off your face.
I thought we're on a mission.
Quick clock blocking me.
9:20, less than
three hours left.
I think they're buying
our story for now.
It's fun to lie with you.
In your dreams, Padre.
Here's betting
that door is locked.
Got a hair pin?
You pick locks?
I dabble.
Joint's really filling up.
Now how to get across the room
without attracting attention?
Jack Essex, are you
asking me to dance?
Cover my back.
Watch the hands, fella.
I have, it's nearly half past.
Sorry, I'm an oaf.
No.
Don't go in for
carpet slicing.
Haven't you a sweetheart?
I'm not much for all that.
Gals are like teeter totters,
fun at first, but then
I get a little queasy.
Don't get me wrong, I like them.
The way they smell.
Teeter totters?
Gals.
Ah.
But I tend to lose interest
as soon as I get off.
Teeter totters.
Yes, of course.
Hold that position.
Shouldn't take long
to pick the lock.
You needn't hurry
on my account.
You know I can teach
you how to lock pick
if you like.
I have so much
to learn from you.
I teach at a school
for fingerless children.
That's a lie.
If a fingerless eight
year old can learn,
so can you.
Actually, I think it's open.
It's currently open.
I think it's been
open this entire time.
Well, let's open
it, let's open it.
I don't need to...
Just open the door
like a normal person.
I think I ruined your hair pin.
Do you have others?
Pitch black in here.
I'll switch on my telephone.
Number please, hello, hello?
Have you a query?
Are you there?
This is the place all right.
Must be some kind
of store room now.
Don't see any vault.
Must be here somewhere
under all this junk.
When they get to the bottom,
it flips over and
they start again.
Bully for them.
I'm going to see if
anyone's on to us.
Be right back.
You took the long way,
but you made it here, too.
Bingo.
Open up.
How do I know it's
Banky and not a German?
It's me, open up.
Who won the 37th series?
That was 55
years before I was born,
crack that hatch, boob.
It's Banky.
The Yankees.
The coast is clear for now,
but it won't be
long before Lamont
and his Lamontourage
realize that you're
not the pope of Ohio.
You were none too convincing
either, Mayor Governor.
Governor Mayor.
Just open your piggy
bank, whatever it is
and let's flounce.
Sure I just.
I haven't got it.
What?
The key.
I haven't got it.
Where is it?
I haven't got it.
Go get it.
I haven't got it.
It's in the silver jacket.
The one that you
yanked off of me.
Yanked off, when I
yank off a man's clothes,
they won't be yours, buster.
I need to open
this, just the same.
Can't you get
cash with my pin?
Not money in there,
and this lock even I can't pick.
We need the key.
Boy, sporting the silver
number just outside.
If we live it's a cinch.
They won't let us back in.
The key must come to us.
He'll never make
it in on his own.
No answer from scarlet
four two three five.
I can continue
trying if you like.
She scarcely
answers her phone.
You could send a text message.
Good idea.
Yes.
I need to send a text pronto.
Text message for Lux Lomax.
Ready.
Call me.
I'll read that back, call me.
I have starlight four--
Yeah, yeah, put her through.
On the line.
I got your text
message, honey, what's up?
Can you make it
downtown tootie sweet?
Jeez, Banks, I'm
gonna be at Idlewilde
at the crack for
an eight AM clip.
And I'm in curlers.
It's a swell romp at
the crown consulate.
Germans, eh?
Well, I do like sausage.
The bell boy is outside.
Whatever you do,
bring him in with you.
Whatever for?
Never mind about that,
I'll fix it on this end.
See you soon.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye, Iota.
Bye.
Are you quite sure?
There can be no doubt.
This is the same man.
My dear Mr. Essex,
the man who diverted history.
Thanks to you, Germany is
peaceful, polite, pathetic.
But Lamont Hitler was
born for better things.
Thanks to you, the
Nazis will return.
Nein.
They will never have gone
away in the first place.
What we do today will
rewrite the past.
If my plan succeeds,
eight humiliating decades
will be erased, this
reality will never be,
and the Nazis will
rule the world.
Yoo hoo, Herr Hitler.
Oh, please, my dear,
you must call me Lamont.
Oh, well, Lammy.
I have a friend who'd
simply adore this clam bake.
Think you could square it with
the gun slugs at the door?
Who is this friend exactly?
He is-he is a...
he ishe's a shriner.
The of all the Shriners,
old fellow, terribly
important in Shrining circles.
He's bringing with
him two lady proteges.
Proteges, eh?
Oh, yes.
Consider it done.
Thanks, awfully.
Any friend of
someone so charming.
Oh, oh.
Hitler you are tonguing my ulna.
Place is Fort Knockwurst.
How ever did you get in?
They think we're from Toledo.
If anyone asks, you're the...
of all the shriners.
And here I thought
you just bell hopped.
I got it.
Why don't you
kids go pollinate.
His a pick pocket,
too, glory be.
Here's hoping
this thing works.
It's so shiny, it
looks like bendo.
It's inanium.
The most durable stuff on earth.
Is it?
It's everything proof.
Righty tighty, lefty loosey.
The awesome power of formica.
So you're gonna
take that bauble
back home now, eh?
Which is where again?
I told you, it's
the year 1938.
And I told you--
Why can't you see the truth
is as plain as your nose.
Cut the eyewash already,
I came on this board
'cause I like laugh and
frankly you're a sketch,
I'm a simple man
but I didn't fall
off the radish wagon,
with a simple mission
so how 'bout we
skip to the scamper.
saving the world
What's your favorite song?
What?
What's your favorite song?
Wanna Wanna Walka
Down to Lake Titicaca.
Lift that box.
Wanna wanna walka d...
You wrote this.
I haven't yet, but I will.
When?
80 years ago.
That's a conjuror's trick.
I dated a magician once.
You know what he
pulled out of my--
It's not a trick.
Ask me a question, any question.
Hands by your side.
When I was six I had
a newt, I named it
and I never told a soul,
'cause well, kids laugh
at a kid who names a newt.
What was the newt's name?
Celeste.
What did you name your newt?
How did you know?
I didn't until
you just told me.
When I get back to 1938,
I'll write that down,
lock it in the vault, all
the years will slip by,
and then you'll see
it, read it aloud.
And you'll go
back, write it down,
the years will slip by,
flips over, we start again.
It never ends, does it, Essex?
You and I do this forever.
Doesn't sound so bad, does it?
How is it?
In 1938, I mean.
Say, Prohibition's caput.
Pour one in the hoops, say, say.
Is that how people sound?
Sort of.
There's something written
on the back of that card.
What is it?
Your reaction
to my kissing you.
What's it say?
I don't know, I
haven't kissed you yet.
Jeepers.
Isn't it a nice party?
There's some thing
wrong with my herring.
Isn't it a nice party?
I'm sorry sir, that
number is not in service.
It just has to be.
Barkeep.
Give it another
try, won't you, Mabel?
Certainly.
Barkeep, hey Barkeep.
I am the of the shriners.
Are you there?
Honor to meet you, your...
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Whiskey always helps me wait.
Pour me one on the pebbles, Les.
Well, certainly.
Are you there?
If you're not there,
please hang up.
I've been angling
to join the lodge over
on the east side,
great bunch of goons.
Think you could put in a word.
Word, I can put
in a whole sentence.
Say, how did you
know my name was Les?
The trap is set,
Essex and the girl
are in the room with
the mystery safe.
After all these
years, you still
have not cracked it...?
It's not my vault.
Banky, I have
something to say.
Yes?
When you're this
close, it looks
like you have one giant eye.
That's so romantic.
You're about the prettiest
cyclops I ever saw.
Oh, Essex, I only
have eye for you.
Open up, it's me, Iota.
Who won the 36th--
Shut up.
The Germans are
jarring about you.
They sounded mighty hinky.
Does one of 'em have
a thin pencil mustache
and a monocle?
No, but the other one does.
Oh here comes a guard.
I'll tackle him
after you hit him
over the head with that vase.
Vase.
Again, this broad
with the hitting me.
Matzoh?
You were expecting
the fuller brush man?
You were taken to
jail to by officer...
O'Reilly's with you.
His name Orenstein till
they changed it at the Ellis.
What are you doing here?
We heard there was a vault.
How did you hear?
The conductor.
The Saperstein owns every
ticket punch on the IRT.
Leave go the sting,
you won't need it.
What the?
The Germans will
be here any second.
We've got to work together.
Like fun you say.
She knuckle dusted me
and glommed my dough.
My dough.
Listen, frail.
Button down, Matzoh.
What'll it take to
pay you off forever,
so Banky never need
hear from you again?
10,000 bucks and five cents.
Deal.
What?
Where's a gill
pin like you gonna
get that kind of folding green.
I already did.
Those bills are 80
years old, untraceable.
I thought you
said it wasn't money
that's in there.
There wasn't until now.
10,000 exactly.
And five cents.
That enough to lay off Banky?
For this kind of suds,
I'd lay off my own mother.
We're quits.
The vault, it's open, how?
We tried everything.
It's everything proof.
Silence, impudent whelps.
Reach for the stars is, I
believe, the expression.
That is the expression.
Ah, citrus.
He's got us.
I do indeed, Father Land,
or should I say Jack Essex?
Oh yes, I know you.
Taken in 1938 by Ilsa's
mother's mother's mother,
perhaps you remember Elke?
The secretary.
She spied for Deutschland
in my father's time.
She's been dead nearly 50 years.
Yes, I saw her this morning.
She overheard your scheme
but could not stop it.
When Papa's glorious
Third Reich failed
because your mission succeeded,
so I have waited all
my life I have waited.
You Americans, with your
short attention spans.
By 1980, the isotope
was forgotten,
so I bought the building,
and now, thanks to
you, the vault is open.
Get to the point, Lamont.
Fuhrer.
If I kill you now, you'll
never go back in time,
there is no formica bomb,
and Adolf Hitler
takes over the world
with me as his heir.
Where Papa failed, I will
allow him to succeed.
He called me spoiled and...
dilettantish.
Hard for any child
to hear, Lamont.
The isotope.
And now, alas, it is
Auf Wiedershen
Before you perforate us, you
might want to look in there.
I literally have--
All right.
Lamont read this
before shooting them.
Again with mine trousers?
Shoot them.
No, don't.
Yeah, all right, Matzoh.
Bitter Herb?
Didn't think I'd show
without my muscle, did you?
Looks like you're
licked, Lamont.
You big dummy.
The moment you open that
door, I shall summon 100 guards.
Afraid we can't
have a furor, Fuhrer.
Allow me.
Hitler, this is from
the Sapersteins.
What now?
The Krauts won't relish
us beaning their brat.
He didn't cut the mustard.
Shut up.
Your getups will
get you out if you put
a little goose in your step.
We have to get back
to the key stone.
Only 34 minutes to dislocation.
Our cover's been blown,
how do you propose to exit?
Give me a hand.
What do you wait
for but never want,
and follow by stopping?
I would certainly
like to know.
So would I.
You are unmarried.
I was married for a stent,
but it wasn't much fun.
My husband was
always under the--
Weather?
Housekeeper.
So, what is it that
you do, soldier?
My dear fraulein,
I shouldn't say.
The walls have ears.
And feet.
What?
Rustle me up a
dainty, would you?
I'm feeling peckish.
What are you kumquats doing?
Grab Iota and meet us outside.
Okay.
Banky.
Banky?
Criminey.
It's time to skedaddle.
You still got your motor car?
Never drive
anywhere without it?
How many can she squeeze?
Pshaw, that Jalopy
can fit a plethora.
Come on.
Not so fast.
This party is over.
Everyone out, right.
Hands up.
You too old man.
How dare you insult a great
man like Lamont Hitler?
A man destined to
rule the world?
We have worked too hard,
we have planned too long
to see our grand scheme fail.
You fools with
your perfect disguises.
You've had your fun today,
but now it is time to die.
Old man, how are you?
You know everything
I was saying.
Stop.
Don't cross.
Stop it.
This is madness.
87, 25, but, but how?
How have you gotten
inside of my head?
Smelling down in the first.
Ding, ding, ding.
How did you, what was that?
He knew every word
he'd say as though
you had already?
I have a very good memory.
Nine minutes to
make it to the flop.
Come on.
Mystery maulers
haymaker Hitler.
Extra, extra.
Can't beat the
24 hour news cycle.
The hair came down, fine.
It actually works.
It looks really nice that way.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Watch that stop sign.
Turn left.
Pass that milk truck.
Red light.
Red light, my riddle,
that's the answer.
In one minute, I disappear.
Must you really go?
Take this back to 1938
and I have some
things to lock away
for a very long time.
It was real, right, not bendo?
It wasn't bendo, Banky.
There's no bendo here or here.
I hate goodbyes.
Leave off the crying,
Jack, stupid.
In a way this isn't goodbye.
The whole thing
flips over, remember?
All of eternity
to play with
and we never get more
than a day together.
A handful of perfect hours,
that's all the luckiest
ever get out of it,
a handful of perfect hours
to save and remember.
How am I supposed to
keep it all locked away,
you, me, everything.
That's too much
responsibility, pal.
I can't hold it all myself.
Essex, forget the mission,
what if you stayed?
Don't you see, if I stay here,
there may not be a here.
You might never be,
we'd never meet,
if I don't leave you,
I can never have you.
Imagine us
together, growing old.
I told you, you might
not think much of me
when I'm old.
10 seconds to midnight.
We could have shared a future.
We did.
Remember me as I am.
If you're not there,
please disconnect.
If you are there,
please disconnect.
If you are there or not
there, please disconnect.
Hi, I'm Neil deGrasse
Tyson, astrophysicist.
In addition to probing the
secrets of the universe,
I'm also a movie buff.
Today, I introduce you to a film
that everyone thought
was lost forever
until a print was
recently discovered
in a Hollywood
Vault, Future '38,
forgotten treasure from 1938.
It's one of the
first color pictures,
preceding Gone with the
Wind and The Wizard of Oz
by a year, but what interests
me most is the science.
Finally, a movie that
gets time travel right.
The concepts and
technology imagined
for the film were so advanced,
they inspired an entire
generation of scientists
and engineers, and guess what?
When our hero travels
to the distant future,
where does he land?
The year 2018.
How did those 1938
filmmakers imagine our time?
What did they get wrong,
but more importantly,
what did they get right?
Let's find out.
We know look back at a film
that looks forward to today.
Roll projector.
Dateline 1938,
Germany re-arms.
For Adolf Hitler,
might makes Reich,
as his jackbooted
Jerries annex Austria
and swallow the Sudetenland,
Poland, Czechoslovakia, France,
what nation is next in
Adolf's agenda of aggression?
All Europe trembles as
World War number two looms,
and what of America?
What frantic preparations
for war are underway
in that great nation
across the sea?
General Sportwood will
see you in a moment.
Would you like a drink?
I don't mind if I do.
Whiskey always helps me wait.
Pour one on the pebbles, then.
I like that.
So what is it the general
wants to see you about?
Search me, I got a
telegram this morning.
Now what's that?
When they get to the bottom,
it flips over and
they start again.
They keep going
like that forever, eh?
Swell by me, it gives me
something to pass the time.
I only have 10 nails.
The general will see you now.
How do you do, I'm--
Jack Essex.
Drink?
Know all about you, Mr. Essex.
Graduated the army academy,
highest marks in history,
declined an officer's
commission, no reason given.
I didn't think the
uniform flattered my figure.
Sit.
No family, a string of, shall
we say, interesting jobs,
never long in one place.
Doesn't seem you have
much to hold on to, Essex.
How lousy for me.
Great for me though.
Makes you just the
man that I need,
that and your peak physical
condition, cigarette?
Let's say we skip
the shinola.
The man you need for what?
I needn't tell you
what's happening in Europe.
Hitler's running amuck and
freedom's on the schneid.
It'll be war before long.
Our military's just not ready.
You don't say.
We have a solution.
Here's Dr. Elcourt from
the laboratory of science.
Have you heard of Formica?
Sounds pretty scientific.
I am a scientist.
Watch this classified
film strip briefing.
Elke.
Mankind has long grasped
the theoretical destructive
power of Formica,
but can this mighty
forced be harnessed,
tamed, controlled?
Uncle Sam says yes with
project Top Secret,
a top secret project approved
by the highest authority.
A vast clandestine program
blending brilliant
brains with brute brawn.
Intellect and industry
inseparably intertwined.
The result, a Formica Bomb.
The bomb will be fueled by
the brand new formica isotope.
We may demonstrate its power
using an ordinary
household ice cube.
Tough luck ice cube.
You're no match for the
awesome power of formica.
Well that's swell if you're
planning to bomb a highball.
It's not powerful
enough just yet.
The isotope's power
increases over time.
At 60 minutes old, it
can melt one ice cube.
How long till it will juice
that firecracker of yours?
42 million minutes.
That's 80 years.
Exactly, but
freedom can't wait.
There's only one solution.
The isotope must be
fetched from the future.
You can't be serious.
I can be and am.
Elcourt and his
eggheads haven't merely
built a super bomb,
why, they've
invented time travel.
Scientists, we've
harnessed the link
between spatial and
temporal dislocation.
Care to warble in
English, songbird?
You caught that ball a quarter
second after he threw it.
What does that tell you?
I oughta play for the Dodgers.
If an object
moving through space
must also move through time,
then the reverse should be true.
We can throw a
baseball through time
if we accept that it will
also move through space.
I'm the baseball.
This dislocation
transducer will fling
you 80 years into the future.
Elcourt and his pencil pushers
can't even tell
where you'll pop up.
Scientists, it'll be some
place within this circle.
After 12 hours, the
dislocation will reappear
at the same spot to
fetch you back to 1938.
Miss it and you'll be
trapped in the future forever,
while our present
plunges into peril.
Now I'm as patriotic
as the next sap,
but this sounds a mite risky.
Perhaps this will help
you decide, $10,000,
wrapped up nice and pretty.
Payable upon return.
You just bought
yourself a sap.
And you just made a
wise choice, my friend.
I think I'll take
that drink now, general.
We know this is a lot for
you to remember, Mr. Essex.
I have a very good memory.
12 hours to find that
little gimcrack, eh?
In the great big 21st century.
It'll be right here.
Inanium steel, anchored to
the bedrock beneath this city.
This inanium, is
it bullet proof?
Yes.
Fire proof?
Yes.
Bomb proof?
Yes.
Why it's everything proof.
For 80 years, the isotope
sits, gaining power, waiting,
waiting for you to
bring it back to 1938.
Upon your return,
we'll detonate the bomb
out in the desert.
When Hitler sees
that, he'll sign
on to Good Neighbor
Policy in a Berlin minute.
Now here, put this on.
What's this?
It's called a chronotard.
Galvanically snug
so as not to jostle
your temper moods.
I wouldn't want them jostled.
Without the
chronotard, you'd arrive
in the future quite nude.
Mabel, get me two green
five, three one nine.
This whole time
travel business,
it all seems a bit like
cheating mother nature.
Perhaps it is and
like any good mother,
she can only be fooled once.
You must succeed, Essex, there
can never be another chance.
Engineering, activate
precisely at noon.
Guard this key with your life.
It's the only one in the world.
Where am I to?
Anything you take must be
inserted inside your body.
Your mouth, Essex.
Of course.
20 seconds.
10 seconds.
You mustn't lose that key.
An apartment.
Welcome to the hit parade,
sponsored by the
hit pomade, Groom-U.
This number's the
dizzy doozy of 2018,
The Tipsy Tinglers, which
set my toes a twinkle.
Telephone.
Number please.
Ouch.
Who are you?
Mabel, your operator.
Number please.
Amazing.
Put me through to the war
department, won't you?
I'm sorry, I've no listing
for any war department.
Have you another query, sir?
You know I read where
they've discovered a brain
eating bacteria.
You won't have to worry, Iota.
Oh, thanks Lux.
Thanks for the
excursion, gals,
anything to get out
of this salt mine, I--
Who's this broad
shouldered thrill?
Cradle the blower, mac,
no using the telephone
unless you're guest.
I'm sorry I didn't mean to--
Didn't mean to glom
a free call, yeah,
it was a quaint
misunderstanding, sure.
I was born in the year
1990, not yesterday.
My name is Essex.
I'm Banky, I run the joint.
These are my pals, Lux and Iota.
We all met at
the beauty parlor
and ever since we've
been insufferable.
Well, I am--
Text message for
Banky Butterfield.
From whom?
Lloyd Bellnord,
noted violinist.
Dear Banky, let's make
beautiful music together.
Any reply?
Go fiddle with yourself, LOL.
What's LOL?
Lay off Lloyd.
Some way to talk to
an opulent admirer.
Plenty of suitors, but
none of 'em suit her.
I was gonna throw
him over anyway.
He lives in Brooklyn.
Squarest part of town.
Besides, I can't
stand philanderers.
I think some
flowers could really
brighten up the place.
Well, I was just looking--
Dang.
I wrote a swell new riddle.
You girls wanna hear it?
What do you wait
for but never want
and follow by stopping?
Why, that's fine, Iota.
Very good.
Well, what do you
want for but never want
and follow by stopping?
Oh, I wouldn't know.
I only write the questions.
There's another fella
that writes the answers.
Go on to your room, girls.
I'll send your parcels
in the dumbwaiter.
You sure you're
all right, honey?
I'm ritzy.
It's a laughing hour
running this place.
Okay, Banky, have a sienna.
Have a sienna.
Your friend Lux,
she's allowed here?
Allowed?
Only when the fleeting, really,
and no one much
complains, thick walls.
I've seen you before?
Not very likely, I'm
from the past, sedena.
Visiting from the Pasadena.
I don't know
from the Pasadena,
but here in the New York,
there's such a thing
as checking in.
Checking out.
Oh, did you have
a pleasant stay?
The radiator didn't work.
That's because the
radiator doesn't work.
Oh, help the boy with
your valise, won't you?
Good morning.
Dollar 27 a night.
Paying cash or will you put
it on your charge plate.
I haven't any
money I'm afraid.
I have it there, enough
with a nickel to spare.
I'll ring the boy
for your luggage,
though you'll have
to carry it, front.
I actually haven't any luggage
and I don't think I'll
go to my room just yet.
Say, Banky, can I have
just a little trickle?
It's scarcely noon.
Suppose it is, guess
I better be seeing
to those linens.
I guess you better have.
Essex.
Now what's the point
of a bellhop can't hop?
What's the point of flinging
an old fool to the curb?
I let him flop for free.
The monkey suit lets him
feel he earns his keep.
He thinks he looks out for me.
Buttons a swell magenta.
Drunk?
He's a drunk,
they're not the same.
What the meter reads at
this particular moment,
I couldn't say.
Now I think of it, you whiff
of whiskey too, old stuff.
I haven't had a
drink in decades.
Living on handouts doesn't
make me think much of a man.
He isn't much of a man.
Suppose I oughta
give him a bow job.
I beg your pardon?
A bow job.
Oh, you know, a Robo
Job, mechanical robot,
helps around the house,
or don't people give bow
jobs where you come from?
They give 'em.
They're the
latest convenience,
have such trouble with
the walls, though.
Light me.
I say, you trying
to to torch my visa.
Amazing.
Bell boy's all right.
Why, he didn't even notice
you wearing his clothes.
Why are you wearing his clothes?
When I first came in here,
I had on a swell suit, see,
I was togged to the bricks.
Pasadena's juviest, proceed.
Well, then I slipped and fell
on this sharp letter opener,
pinked my garb to ribbons.
So you changed into
the old bird's feathers.
They were sitting
right on the davenport.
Couldn't have
someone waltz along
while I standing
there unabridged.
No, that would be ludicrous.
So, where are the other duds?
Yes, I think so.
The threads, you daft.
Should be around here, right?
Actually I flung
'em out the door.
Oh.
And don't bother
eyeing the avenue,
the rag man was coming
by and they fluttered
right into his car,
long gone by now.
How convenient.
For the rag man, oh certainly.
Say, I've gotta go.
Would you show me about?
I really oughta
hoover the linoleum.
Please, I have a place to find
and this entire
world is new to me.
Being from Pasadena.
Suppose I will, I
could use a little fun
and you're Coney Island
without the smell.
Funny he'd leave his
clothes in the foyer.
Amazing, glorious, stupendous.
Outlandish costumes,
yearning skyscrapers.
Life's rich pageant.
What brings you to NY anyway?
You could say I'm running
an errand for the government.
Ooh, upstanding
citizen type, eh?
I'm in it strictly
for the cash, sister.
Uh huh.
First thing is to
find the War Department.
It's on Delancy.
I don't know any
Delancy Street.
Don't know Delancy Street?
You must not go down much.
I go down.
Oh, you hungry, we
could go to McDonald's?
McDonald's?
Nice little Irish place.
Hold up, I just wanna check CNN.
CNN?
Yes, City National Newspaper.
Oh, I'm sure there's a
newsstand nearby somewhere.
Newsstand, how quaint.
Ain't you heard of the
24 hour news cycle.
Here it comes now.
Extra, extra, Diplo wing
ding,
Extra, extra.
Put it on my account.
Read all about it.
Extra, extra.
Someone left their
dinner service on the curb.
This is fancy stuff.
Don't they have
bendo in Pasadena, bub?
Bendo?
Yeah, it's made from gasoline
or brilliantine or something.
You fling it after one use.
Why ever would you use
something and then fling it?
Seems everything's
bendo these days.
Once used, it's
melted down and turned
into something else.
Doesn't sound very permanent.
That's the beauty part.
Tomorrow that'll be
a foon, probably.
Foon?
What on earth is?
Where are all the skirts headed?
What am I, the earl of answer?
To their jobs, I expect.
But they're old
enough to be married.
Pardon me, where are you going?
To the construction site.
A homemaker, isn't that nice.
Don't get involved, Banky.
Excuse me, what do you do?
Why, I cook and
clean and tend house.
Your husband
must be very happy.
My husband happens
to be a wife.
And I am very happy indeed.
Did you hear that?
They're jolly, what of it?
But they're married.
City hall's been hitching
jollies for 40 years.
Guess they're no smarter
than the rest of us.
These automobiles are kippy.
Keep petting my
coop and she'll
expect dinner and a show.
Beautiful, so
smooth and straight.
It's the ought nine Zesta.
Peach of a flipper.
Care to go motoring?
Well, really I don't--
Certainly.
Utopia Drive, Progress Ave.
Never heard of these
streets before.
Say, what's that wigwam?
That's the Shriner's
HQ, great bunch of goons,
swell fellas.
It's all who you know.
That's the Groom-U plant.
That is the Formica Institute
oh and that's the
League of Nations.
Haven't been in a
car like this before.
A Zesta, you call it?
Detroit's finest.
Criminey.
Flies like a cloud, don't she?
Don't even need a key.
Key, right.
Say, what time is it?
I'll check my telephone.
Operator, oh, operator.
How may I help you?
Say, Mabel,
what's the o'clock?
1:45 precisely on the tone.
10 and a quarter hours left.
Say, Lester, where's
Delancy Street from here?
Can't say as I've heard of it.
Really?
Pull over, I'll
ask this flatfoot.
Oh.
Just there.
Say you wanna go out?
That's the plan, peppy,
if you'll throw the bolt.
With me, I mean.
Darling.
Hit the speaks, you know?
Color the city crimson.
Really, I don't.
Oh, come on.
I'll telephone sometime,
what's your combo?
Sky alert three, two 17 five,
three, two, one.
Swell, I'm Les.
I'll say.
Officer, could you direct
us to Delancy Street?
No, of course,
can't says I know it.
Are you quite sure.
I know every
street in this burg
or my name isn't
Seamus O'Reilly.
Check the electromesh.
Electromesh?
Sure the global
system allowing access
to all the information
in the world.
How do I do that?
Well you, how do you
check the electromesh?
You're trying to
give me the hot foot?
You'll have to excuse him,
he's from Pasadena.
Go to a computer parlor,
just like everybody else,
now beat along before I
book you on suspicion.
Computer parlor?
Come on, I know
the best one in town.
If it isn't a little Banky.
How's Clanky today?
Kicking but she'll manage.
Here to check up on
your old boyfriends?
No, those eggs went
bad a long time ago.
He's your customer today.
I'm along for the fresh air.
You wanna latch
into the electromesh,
wait your turn at the console.
Oh.
That's the problem
with computers,
you waste so much time on line.
Got another search engine.
Well, go on.
I'm sorry, what is
the electromesh exactly?
The electromesh is
the global system
allowing access to all the
information in the world.
Isn't that what the cop said?
Yes.
We're gonna be
here till Arbor Day,
listen, Clanky, where
is the war department.
No current listing.
Telling you it's
on Delancy Street.
How do I get to
Delancy from here.
No current listing.
Hey Banky, come
on, people are waiting.
I just can't figure it.
That electromesh job is supposed
to know everything, right?
Well, yeah, it's
the electromesh.
Why no war
department, no Delancy,
what's going on?
Handsome, listen to me.
You're looking for a
place that doesn't exist
on a street that's not a street.
You act like you
don't know ish-kibble
about bow jobs,
broads, or bendo,
when some Jasper shows
you his crummy old Zesta,
you act like it's a
next year's Pontelux.
I have to tell you you
caught amnesia or something.
Well, I did take
a crack to the bean.
Sure, you're just a
little cuckoo, goofy.
Slug nutty.
Better ice that berg.
Am I crazy?
I remember another time,
another world so clearly.
I feel that way sometimes,
came from Saskatoon
to star on a stage,
wound up front of
house at a flop house.
My old life and friends,
I guess I keep it
all locked away.
Remembering I get sad.
Shut up, Banky, you're
being prolix.
Hi, how are you?
Saskatoon, eh?
Mm hmm.
Do you go back?
I don't think I can go
back until I succeeded
what I came here for.
I know the feeling.
If crazy people feel sane,
and if you feel sane,
how can you be sure
you're not crazy?
Let's double down
on the ice, I think.
I thought I would
recognize something,
a building, a street, something,
everything just changes.
Way of the world, I suppose.
Nothing's carved in stone.
Carved in stone.
I think I was here.
I was in knee pants.
It must have been 100 years ago.
Feels that way sometimes.
There were rail road tracks.
Here.
This hasn't been
real tracks since--
My dad said "Jackie, let's
make our mark on the world."
He had a chisel.
This was all bare rock then,
but they ought yet be
here under the dirt.
What had?
His name was William.
Need something to dig with.
This is crazy,
you're a sick man
who should be in bed with
two ice cubes on his head,
of all the prize notions,
watching you root for truffles
while I have a flop to furbish,
it's work, work,
work, and dough I make
you could put in your eye.
Why a girl can't--
William Essex, Jack Essex.
How did you know that
would be under there.
There we are, my dad and me.
Funny, it's like I'm
seeing him again,
long gone now,
suppose I am, too,
but now I know this
isn't a fever dream.
I wanna go back to that
Dick's place right now.
Sure, Essex, sure.
Just can't figure out
why no more Delancy.
Now, I think of it, didn't
Moses change the names?
No, he parted the Red Sea.
Oh, Robert Moses, you fern.
The mayor, years ago, he changed
all the old street names.
You might have
mentioned that previously.
Ancient history.
Got him down on one
knee already, Banky?
When's the nuptials?
Oh, don't mind him, Essex.
He's spent the past three
years studying abroad.
What's wrong with that?
I'm the broad.
Nerds.
Let's try again, Clanky.
Where is the war department?
No current listing.
Oh.
Where was the war department?
25 Arcadia Street.
Well, I'll be.
What is currently
at that spot?
The German consulate,
we found it.
Computers, bendo,
picture phones,
what happened in
the last 80 years?
Put it on my account.
Try the cuisine,
it's a specialty.
can thou bring a menu?
Menu, menu, menu.
Aren't you antique
now, no menus here.
It's just victual reality.
Victual?
VR, victual reality,
it's how you order.
Pretty standard.
Welcome to McDonald's,
may I take your order?
I can't believe it.
Sir?
He's from Pasadena.
He'll have the pork chop.
And for madame?
Birthday cake.
It's your birthday?
No.
Oh, I feel like I just cracked
the world's biggest
fortune cookie.
Fortune tells the future.
That stuff's all passed.
Depends on where
you're sitting, I guess.
1938, United States
detonates Formica Bomb.
Yeah, they kaibashed
some ghost town
in the desert, Las Vegas
or Vegas, something.
1939, Nazis fall from power.
World peace era begins.
World peace.
Sure, there hasn't
been a shooting war
in I don't know since when.
It's all thanks to formica.
Then my mission succeeded.
That is if I make it
back with the isotope,
but if I don't, history goes
a completely different way
and this is all a dream,
a dream that nobody ever had.
Cory Pemberdon is
on NBC Red tonight.
He's my favorite band leader.
1946, TV phone invented.
Man lands on moon, 1977.
Life discovered on Mars, 1991.
Yeah, those cucumbery things.
If you wanna read
all that old dope,
I'll give you a history book.
Okay, give me a history book.
Why would I have
a history book?
Life expectancy reaches 100.
Well, what with all
the science and all,
and everyone eats so healthy.
Pork chop and birthday cake.
Will you bring me a
martini with that, dry?
One third vermouth?
Perfect.
What is this?
Why it's a foon, of course.
You're gonna tell me they
don't have foons in Pasadena.
Why don't you know anything,
oh this is disturbing.
Banky, I've got to
tell you something
and you're gonna
find it very queer.
I run a New York
City flop house.
There is nothing
I find very queer.
I was sent here
from the year 1938
to save civilization.
That's very queer.
You see, I told you so.
That is very
queer, look at this.
Reception tonight
at German Consulate.
Same place that came
up in our mesh search.
coinqi-dinky
Banky, I am a time traveler
sent here on the most
important mission ever,
can't you get that?
Get this, I dated
a comedian once,
sort of fell for the clown,
then what happened?
He squirted his flower
in my face and took off
leaving me high and dry and wet.
Old Banky doesn't sprawl
for comedians anymore,
so keep your funny
stories to yourself.
But it's the truth.
I just don't grasp it,
maybe I'm not big enough,
mentally.
So long.
Bye.
Put it on my account.
That is really special.
We're going to the same place.
Yep.
Awkward having to
hoof it together.
Let's me start and
you wait 10 seconds.
No dice, it's my joint.
Why should I follow
you like the shovel man
at the elephant parade?
Well, then, let's you start
and I'll walk behind you.
Oh, so you can ogle my
caboose for 11 blocks?
Fat chance.
I'm getting a call.
Yes?
I have juniper four, seven
eight seven on the line.
Thanks, Mabel,
put her through.
Banks, you have
got to get back here.
Matzoh just showed.
Oh, Criminey, he did?
Yeah, with some big torpedo.
Bitter herb if I know him.
I think the angling for
some cabbage, why don't--
Hello?
Is there trouble on the wire?
The line's gone dead.
What was all that about?
The Jewish syndicate,
they run this town.
The boy tried
to throw them out.
Say, wouldn't you fellas
like to hear a nice riddle?
What do you wait
for but never want,
and follow by stopping?
Only thing funny
is that old geranium
trying to roust us.
You didn't laugh like that
when I busted your nose.
You, bust my nose?
Wise guy, eh?
Tell your golem to leave
and go, Matzoh, I'm here.
Drop him like an
empty dress Bitter.
Yeah, all right, Matzoh.
Say, you didn't have to--
Not so fast.
Case you're feeling frisky,
my boy here's
wearing a strap on.
Don't make him drill you.
How's my favorite
lady lodge keeper?
Why don't you go prick
your finger or vice versa?
Cool day today, lucky Banky.
Matzoh has this racket called
taking your temperature,
isn't that charming?
Bitter check CNN
for the weather.
Yeah, all right, Matzoh.
61 degrees.
61 bucks, foon it over.
Say, you haven't oughta--
The Saperstein family
offers protection
to half the city.
From who?
The Saperstein family.
Oops.
Clutzy Bitter.
He kaiboshed your atomizer.
Who needs to atomize?
This twist won't
raise a fuffle.
Go flip your gelt outside.
Yeah, all right, Matzoh.
Inscrutable Banky,
maybe you could do
with a good scruting.
Let's don't get Rudy tootie.
Could really bring
down the temperature.
I'd far rather
cope with the heat.
I'd give that yeg a varnish
were it not for the
Rosco in this tress.
How to distract him?
My pepper spray,
I always carry
in case I meet a
fellow I don't like.
She's never used it yet.
The weather
changes every day--
Hey, Matzoh.
Take this.
Lilac.
Oh, murder, it's my perfume.
Hands up, Matzoh,
you're surrounded.
Outside?
Slug him.
Ow.
That tooth hurts, doesn't it?
Jeepers, what'd
you hit him with?
My tin of Groom-U.
Where'd you learn
to throw your voice?
Had a stint in Vaudeville.
We'd better hide the Matzoh.
Bitter Herb will get salty
if Matzoh doesn't
rise right quick.
I'll handle it.
Say your boss is
on queer street,
the skirts conked him.
I tried to pull him out
and all I got was his coat.
Wait, put this on.
Why?
Matzoh's gun is in the pocket,
in case you need a spare.
Yeah, all right.
Oh.
Here's your
money, every degree.
Didn't have to do all that.
Well, you didn't do all
that, I did half that,
but still thanks, Essex.
I hate to see those
yegs vex you so.
It's not gonna make
'em squeal for joy
if I don't find some
real dough soon,
I may have to move
in with my mother.
Is that so bad?
Where does she live?
Woodlawn Cemetery.
Come along you too.
It's a good thing I was
close by in my prowl car.
We've been trying to nab
these two for a long time.
Oh, really?
O'Reilly.
There we go, come on now.
Out you go, out you go.
Come to the consulate
with me this evening.
There's something I have
to do before I can go home.
I know the feeling.
Sure I will.
No one has to tell
me when five's a crowd.
Come on, Iota, let's help him.
Pitiful to see
a man so dwindled.
Remind me to never
age around you.
If we're stepping
out, I oughta don
something swankier
than these dungarees,
and this won't do.
No, it's not really coming
off as I thought it would.
Just give it a pull.
Well, I am pulling,
dear, all right.
Large thumb joints.
Remarkable, it's like
glass, only cotton.
Try this o-AAAHH!
Quit the shenanigans, you'll
catch a stifle, my gosh.
The bell boy's?
Yes, the bell boy's.
Can't believe you're
gonna throw that stuff away.
It's bendo, it's expendable,
spendable, expendable.
Have to say the
old fossil has taste.
Good thing he's my size.
Well, aren't you
looking festooned?
Not so bad yourself.
Come on, we've got
a subway to catch.
Queer, I keep thinking people
are looking at me.
If you ask me, you got
a touch of the psychology.
Suppose you're right.
Nobody knows me here.
Oh, hold still,
primping ain't easy.
It's just the
consulate we're going to.
Besides, I can't see
much room for improvement
over your every day mug.
Jack Essex, I think you
just committed a compliment.
What exactly is it
we're looking for?
A safe.
What is it inside this safe?
Something to
prevent a world war.
Don't be a melon,
there could never
be a second world war.
There already was,
Banky, 80 years ago,
if it happened, if I succeed,
it doesn't happen, didn't
happen, won't happen.
Cut the...
All you need to
know is that inside
the German consulate,
there's a very old safe
with something priceless inside.
Metrocards, please?
This goes for both of us.
Please swipe again.
Please swipe again.
Please swipe again.
Train coming soon.
It's 7:53, should
be along presently.
She's running right on time.
I'm running out of time.
I must hurry.
Reporters only.
We just need to convince
him you're a scribe.
Let's cop the bus bee
from that old junko.
Say is that the bell boy?
Shazam, it is.
He stinks of whiskey.
Hey, boy, boy, wake up.
What are you doing here?
I remember now.
I remember now, what do
you suppose he meant by that?
It's the trickle talking.
Something's missing, hmm.
Uh huh.
Hey, presto, you're a reporter.
Hello, hello.
Hi, reporter.
Hello.
Hello.
I'm from the 24
hour news cycle.
Yes.
No reporters inside.
Herr Hitler's arriving soon.
Hitler?
Adolf Hitler?
He's from Pasadena.
Adolf's son, Lamont.
The German ambassador.
Lamont, yes, Lamont Hitler.
Yes, you know Lamont.
Of course, yes, yes, Lamont.
Here he comes.
Oh, here.
How will we get through?
We need to create
a distraction.
I've got it figured.
Rendezvous at the
door and hold these.
Shoe is a nice evening.
Ambassador Hitler,
what have you to say
to Mr. And Mrs. America
from coast to coast
and all the ships at sea?
I am here to
celebrate the friendship
between our nations.
For 80 years, Germany
has been a peaceful,
reasonable, harmless,
little nation,
and I look forward to many
more happy years between--
Banky pants'd Hitler.
Well, well, well, hurry,
do something, do something.
Who saw that,
turn that thing off?
I remember the layout.
The vault room should be there.
The reporter jag won't fly.
Scrubs are forebodin in here.
The right way.
You're a father.
I don't think so.
Here comes our hiney.
Quick, what's my name?
I don't know, oh,
ah, think of something.
When was your last confession?
I am Louis Smelling.
Consulate security chief.
Well.
Consulate security chief.
And you are who?
Herr Smelling, may I
present to you Father...
Land.
Fatherland?
Yes.
It's why I'm here,
because there is no bigger
fan of the father land
than Father Land.
I see and what exactly
is the name of your church,
may I ask?
Why, it's the church of...
Holy toledo.
The church of Holy Toledo.
Yes, it's in Toledo.
Toledo, yet, Criminey.
And your companion
is also from Toledo?
From there, why
I am the governor.
Mayor.
Governor Mayor.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Shall we revolve, Father?
Push, push.
What, what?
Push.
Herr ambassador, may
I present Governor Mayor
and Father Land.
At last, at last I meet
this charming creature
I've admired from
across the room.
Scolding, scolding, captain,
for keeping her
all for yourself.
It's nice to meet
you, Herr Hitler.
Delighted.
Smelling, did you
catch the rascal
who descended mine pantaloons?
Not yet, but we
will and then...
Come, come, captain,
what bureaucrat
is not caught with his pants
down from time to time.
Oh yes.
Naughty, naughty, must
not monopolize our guests.
That's a Hitler for you,
always taking over the party.
Ilsa, is our social director.
Ilsa, may I present Governor
Mayor and Father Land.
I leave you in good hands.
As titular hostess,
I welcome you.
You certainly are titular.
Have we met before?
As social director, I
meet so many handsome men.
Ahem.
Well, I must go,
I'm entertaining.
I'll say.
Oh my...
Wipe that frau off your face.
I thought we're on a mission.
Quick clock blocking me.
9:20, less than
three hours left.
I think they're buying
our story for now.
It's fun to lie with you.
In your dreams, Padre.
Here's betting
that door is locked.
Got a hair pin?
You pick locks?
I dabble.
Joint's really filling up.
Now how to get across the room
without attracting attention?
Jack Essex, are you
asking me to dance?
Cover my back.
Watch the hands, fella.
I have, it's nearly half past.
Sorry, I'm an oaf.
No.
Don't go in for
carpet slicing.
Haven't you a sweetheart?
I'm not much for all that.
Gals are like teeter totters,
fun at first, but then
I get a little queasy.
Don't get me wrong, I like them.
The way they smell.
Teeter totters?
Gals.
Ah.
But I tend to lose interest
as soon as I get off.
Teeter totters.
Yes, of course.
Hold that position.
Shouldn't take long
to pick the lock.
You needn't hurry
on my account.
You know I can teach
you how to lock pick
if you like.
I have so much
to learn from you.
I teach at a school
for fingerless children.
That's a lie.
If a fingerless eight
year old can learn,
so can you.
Actually, I think it's open.
It's currently open.
I think it's been
open this entire time.
Well, let's open
it, let's open it.
I don't need to...
Just open the door
like a normal person.
I think I ruined your hair pin.
Do you have others?
Pitch black in here.
I'll switch on my telephone.
Number please, hello, hello?
Have you a query?
Are you there?
This is the place all right.
Must be some kind
of store room now.
Don't see any vault.
Must be here somewhere
under all this junk.
When they get to the bottom,
it flips over and
they start again.
Bully for them.
I'm going to see if
anyone's on to us.
Be right back.
You took the long way,
but you made it here, too.
Bingo.
Open up.
How do I know it's
Banky and not a German?
It's me, open up.
Who won the 37th series?
That was 55
years before I was born,
crack that hatch, boob.
It's Banky.
The Yankees.
The coast is clear for now,
but it won't be
long before Lamont
and his Lamontourage
realize that you're
not the pope of Ohio.
You were none too convincing
either, Mayor Governor.
Governor Mayor.
Just open your piggy
bank, whatever it is
and let's flounce.
Sure I just.
I haven't got it.
What?
The key.
I haven't got it.
Where is it?
I haven't got it.
Go get it.
I haven't got it.
It's in the silver jacket.
The one that you
yanked off of me.
Yanked off, when I
yank off a man's clothes,
they won't be yours, buster.
I need to open
this, just the same.
Can't you get
cash with my pin?
Not money in there,
and this lock even I can't pick.
We need the key.
Boy, sporting the silver
number just outside.
If we live it's a cinch.
They won't let us back in.
The key must come to us.
He'll never make
it in on his own.
No answer from scarlet
four two three five.
I can continue
trying if you like.
She scarcely
answers her phone.
You could send a text message.
Good idea.
Yes.
I need to send a text pronto.
Text message for Lux Lomax.
Ready.
Call me.
I'll read that back, call me.
I have starlight four--
Yeah, yeah, put her through.
On the line.
I got your text
message, honey, what's up?
Can you make it
downtown tootie sweet?
Jeez, Banks, I'm
gonna be at Idlewilde
at the crack for
an eight AM clip.
And I'm in curlers.
It's a swell romp at
the crown consulate.
Germans, eh?
Well, I do like sausage.
The bell boy is outside.
Whatever you do,
bring him in with you.
Whatever for?
Never mind about that,
I'll fix it on this end.
See you soon.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye, Iota.
Bye.
Are you quite sure?
There can be no doubt.
This is the same man.
My dear Mr. Essex,
the man who diverted history.
Thanks to you, Germany is
peaceful, polite, pathetic.
But Lamont Hitler was
born for better things.
Thanks to you, the
Nazis will return.
Nein.
They will never have gone
away in the first place.
What we do today will
rewrite the past.
If my plan succeeds,
eight humiliating decades
will be erased, this
reality will never be,
and the Nazis will
rule the world.
Yoo hoo, Herr Hitler.
Oh, please, my dear,
you must call me Lamont.
Oh, well, Lammy.
I have a friend who'd
simply adore this clam bake.
Think you could square it with
the gun slugs at the door?
Who is this friend exactly?
He is-he is a...
he ishe's a shriner.
The of all the Shriners,
old fellow, terribly
important in Shrining circles.
He's bringing with
him two lady proteges.
Proteges, eh?
Oh, yes.
Consider it done.
Thanks, awfully.
Any friend of
someone so charming.
Oh, oh.
Hitler you are tonguing my ulna.
Place is Fort Knockwurst.
How ever did you get in?
They think we're from Toledo.
If anyone asks, you're the...
of all the shriners.
And here I thought
you just bell hopped.
I got it.
Why don't you
kids go pollinate.
His a pick pocket,
too, glory be.
Here's hoping
this thing works.
It's so shiny, it
looks like bendo.
It's inanium.
The most durable stuff on earth.
Is it?
It's everything proof.
Righty tighty, lefty loosey.
The awesome power of formica.
So you're gonna
take that bauble
back home now, eh?
Which is where again?
I told you, it's
the year 1938.
And I told you--
Why can't you see the truth
is as plain as your nose.
Cut the eyewash already,
I came on this board
'cause I like laugh and
frankly you're a sketch,
I'm a simple man
but I didn't fall
off the radish wagon,
with a simple mission
so how 'bout we
skip to the scamper.
saving the world
What's your favorite song?
What?
What's your favorite song?
Wanna Wanna Walka
Down to Lake Titicaca.
Lift that box.
Wanna wanna walka d...
You wrote this.
I haven't yet, but I will.
When?
80 years ago.
That's a conjuror's trick.
I dated a magician once.
You know what he
pulled out of my--
It's not a trick.
Ask me a question, any question.
Hands by your side.
When I was six I had
a newt, I named it
and I never told a soul,
'cause well, kids laugh
at a kid who names a newt.
What was the newt's name?
Celeste.
What did you name your newt?
How did you know?
I didn't until
you just told me.
When I get back to 1938,
I'll write that down,
lock it in the vault, all
the years will slip by,
and then you'll see
it, read it aloud.
And you'll go
back, write it down,
the years will slip by,
flips over, we start again.
It never ends, does it, Essex?
You and I do this forever.
Doesn't sound so bad, does it?
How is it?
In 1938, I mean.
Say, Prohibition's caput.
Pour one in the hoops, say, say.
Is that how people sound?
Sort of.
There's something written
on the back of that card.
What is it?
Your reaction
to my kissing you.
What's it say?
I don't know, I
haven't kissed you yet.
Jeepers.
Isn't it a nice party?
There's some thing
wrong with my herring.
Isn't it a nice party?
I'm sorry sir, that
number is not in service.
It just has to be.
Barkeep.
Give it another
try, won't you, Mabel?
Certainly.
Barkeep, hey Barkeep.
I am the of the shriners.
Are you there?
Honor to meet you, your...
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Whiskey always helps me wait.
Pour me one on the pebbles, Les.
Well, certainly.
Are you there?
If you're not there,
please hang up.
I've been angling
to join the lodge over
on the east side,
great bunch of goons.
Think you could put in a word.
Word, I can put
in a whole sentence.
Say, how did you
know my name was Les?
The trap is set,
Essex and the girl
are in the room with
the mystery safe.
After all these
years, you still
have not cracked it...?
It's not my vault.
Banky, I have
something to say.
Yes?
When you're this
close, it looks
like you have one giant eye.
That's so romantic.
You're about the prettiest
cyclops I ever saw.
Oh, Essex, I only
have eye for you.
Open up, it's me, Iota.
Who won the 36th--
Shut up.
The Germans are
jarring about you.
They sounded mighty hinky.
Does one of 'em have
a thin pencil mustache
and a monocle?
No, but the other one does.
Oh here comes a guard.
I'll tackle him
after you hit him
over the head with that vase.
Vase.
Again, this broad
with the hitting me.
Matzoh?
You were expecting
the fuller brush man?
You were taken to
jail to by officer...
O'Reilly's with you.
His name Orenstein till
they changed it at the Ellis.
What are you doing here?
We heard there was a vault.
How did you hear?
The conductor.
The Saperstein owns every
ticket punch on the IRT.
Leave go the sting,
you won't need it.
What the?
The Germans will
be here any second.
We've got to work together.
Like fun you say.
She knuckle dusted me
and glommed my dough.
My dough.
Listen, frail.
Button down, Matzoh.
What'll it take to
pay you off forever,
so Banky never need
hear from you again?
10,000 bucks and five cents.
Deal.
What?
Where's a gill
pin like you gonna
get that kind of folding green.
I already did.
Those bills are 80
years old, untraceable.
I thought you
said it wasn't money
that's in there.
There wasn't until now.
10,000 exactly.
And five cents.
That enough to lay off Banky?
For this kind of suds,
I'd lay off my own mother.
We're quits.
The vault, it's open, how?
We tried everything.
It's everything proof.
Silence, impudent whelps.
Reach for the stars is, I
believe, the expression.
That is the expression.
Ah, citrus.
He's got us.
I do indeed, Father Land,
or should I say Jack Essex?
Oh yes, I know you.
Taken in 1938 by Ilsa's
mother's mother's mother,
perhaps you remember Elke?
The secretary.
She spied for Deutschland
in my father's time.
She's been dead nearly 50 years.
Yes, I saw her this morning.
She overheard your scheme
but could not stop it.
When Papa's glorious
Third Reich failed
because your mission succeeded,
so I have waited all
my life I have waited.
You Americans, with your
short attention spans.
By 1980, the isotope
was forgotten,
so I bought the building,
and now, thanks to
you, the vault is open.
Get to the point, Lamont.
Fuhrer.
If I kill you now, you'll
never go back in time,
there is no formica bomb,
and Adolf Hitler
takes over the world
with me as his heir.
Where Papa failed, I will
allow him to succeed.
He called me spoiled and...
dilettantish.
Hard for any child
to hear, Lamont.
The isotope.
And now, alas, it is
Auf Wiedershen
Before you perforate us, you
might want to look in there.
I literally have--
All right.
Lamont read this
before shooting them.
Again with mine trousers?
Shoot them.
No, don't.
Yeah, all right, Matzoh.
Bitter Herb?
Didn't think I'd show
without my muscle, did you?
Looks like you're
licked, Lamont.
You big dummy.
The moment you open that
door, I shall summon 100 guards.
Afraid we can't
have a furor, Fuhrer.
Allow me.
Hitler, this is from
the Sapersteins.
What now?
The Krauts won't relish
us beaning their brat.
He didn't cut the mustard.
Shut up.
Your getups will
get you out if you put
a little goose in your step.
We have to get back
to the key stone.
Only 34 minutes to dislocation.
Our cover's been blown,
how do you propose to exit?
Give me a hand.
What do you wait
for but never want,
and follow by stopping?
I would certainly
like to know.
So would I.
You are unmarried.
I was married for a stent,
but it wasn't much fun.
My husband was
always under the--
Weather?
Housekeeper.
So, what is it that
you do, soldier?
My dear fraulein,
I shouldn't say.
The walls have ears.
And feet.
What?
Rustle me up a
dainty, would you?
I'm feeling peckish.
What are you kumquats doing?
Grab Iota and meet us outside.
Okay.
Banky.
Banky?
Criminey.
It's time to skedaddle.
You still got your motor car?
Never drive
anywhere without it?
How many can she squeeze?
Pshaw, that Jalopy
can fit a plethora.
Come on.
Not so fast.
This party is over.
Everyone out, right.
Hands up.
You too old man.
How dare you insult a great
man like Lamont Hitler?
A man destined to
rule the world?
We have worked too hard,
we have planned too long
to see our grand scheme fail.
You fools with
your perfect disguises.
You've had your fun today,
but now it is time to die.
Old man, how are you?
You know everything
I was saying.
Stop.
Don't cross.
Stop it.
This is madness.
87, 25, but, but how?
How have you gotten
inside of my head?
Smelling down in the first.
Ding, ding, ding.
How did you, what was that?
He knew every word
he'd say as though
you had already?
I have a very good memory.
Nine minutes to
make it to the flop.
Come on.
Mystery maulers
haymaker Hitler.
Extra, extra.
Can't beat the
24 hour news cycle.
The hair came down, fine.
It actually works.
It looks really nice that way.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Watch that stop sign.
Turn left.
Pass that milk truck.
Red light.
Red light, my riddle,
that's the answer.
In one minute, I disappear.
Must you really go?
Take this back to 1938
and I have some
things to lock away
for a very long time.
It was real, right, not bendo?
It wasn't bendo, Banky.
There's no bendo here or here.
I hate goodbyes.
Leave off the crying,
Jack, stupid.
In a way this isn't goodbye.
The whole thing
flips over, remember?
All of eternity
to play with
and we never get more
than a day together.
A handful of perfect hours,
that's all the luckiest
ever get out of it,
a handful of perfect hours
to save and remember.
How am I supposed to
keep it all locked away,
you, me, everything.
That's too much
responsibility, pal.
I can't hold it all myself.
Essex, forget the mission,
what if you stayed?
Don't you see, if I stay here,
there may not be a here.
You might never be,
we'd never meet,
if I don't leave you,
I can never have you.
Imagine us
together, growing old.
I told you, you might
not think much of me
when I'm old.
10 seconds to midnight.
We could have shared a future.
We did.
Remember me as I am.
If you're not there,
please disconnect.
If you are there,
please disconnect.
If you are there or not
there, please disconnect.