Girls Nite Out (1982) Movie Script
(J' sharp tones pulsating)
(J' tense, suspenseful)
(Wind howling)
(Distant cries distorted)
(Phone rings)
Yes, Mr. Cavanaugh?
Why don't you answer me?
(Line clicks dead)
(Rings)
What is it, Mr. Cavanaugh?
(Heavy breathing)
(Distorted howling echoes)
Mr. Cavanaugh?
(Howling intensifies)
(Chanting and cheering)
J do something to me
j I've got to find love in a hurry
j c'mon, do something to me
j help me to ease all the worry
j do something to me
j I've got to find love in a hurry
j do something to me... j
ladies and gentlemen,
with 11 seconds left in the game,
Peter krizaniac has committed
his fourth foul.
The score is drover 71, DeWitt 70.
For Christ's sake, maniac,
get your head outta your ass, will you?
We're gonna blow this game!
(Chanting) Go team, go! Go team, go!
We got four fouls. He'll choke up.
When we get the ball,
I want a simple play down court.
Go, team! Let's do this!
Look at me, man.
What the hell's going on?
- You're letting us down.
- Ok.
Look at me! Whatever's bothering you,
we'll talk about it later.
Just give me 11 seconds.
J love me, love me,
love me, love me, love
j yeah, love me, love me,
love me, love me love
j love me, love me, love me,
love me love
j love me, love me, love me,
love me love...
(Klaxon blares)
J do something to me
j ease all the worry
j do something to me
j I've got to find love in a hurry
j c'mon, do something to me... j
what a ballgame. A basket by Peter
'maniac' krizaniac in the final seconds.
DeWitt will go on to the tac tournament.
(Excited chatter)
Yeah!
Hey.
(Retching)
- (Spitting)
- Hey.
What's the matter?
Nothing.
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Talk about what?
Once again the final score:
DeWitt 72, drovers 71.
So, until next Tuesday night's
championship game at 7:50,
'this is Charlie kaiser,
the voice of DeWitt basketball.
'And don't forget to be with me tomorrow
night for the annual wdbx scavenger hunt.'
hey, pryor.
How about a cheer for our heroic boys?
That's what we love about you, pryor,
your sense of enthusiasm!
You'd like it better if I ran around and
made an asshole of myself in a bear suit?
You know, that's an idea for you, pryor.
(Laughs) Hey, man.
Pryor's going to take over my bear suit.
Lay off, Benson,
I've had enough of your bullshit!
I told you, it's nothin'.
(Sighs) God, I wish you believed that,
cos it was nothin'.
- She's just a girl.
- Yeah, that's easy for you to say.
- You think I've never been dumped before?
- Not that I've noticed, no.
Well, I have, plenty of times.
I just don't go around telling everybody.
What am I supposed to do?
I couldn't think of nothin' else
out there tonight. Damn!
You've gotta pull yourself together, man.
- Sure, but what if pryor finds out?
- So, he'll find out.
I know, I know.
I guess I'll have to break it to him easy.
I don't really want to hurt him.
Well... then, why?
I just couldn't help myself!
Benson is just too much!
He kept it up forever!
It hurts when I sit down!
- God, Sheila, he's your cousin!
- Second cousin.
Down to action!
Let's bring on the main attraction.
Oh, my little super-stud!
You gonna leave some of the chickadees
for the rest of the lowlifes?
- If you ask politely, yes.
- Oh!
I mean, it's been Teddy for two years.
Don't you even get curious
about how it is with somebody else?
- I'll bet Teddy does.
- (Laughs)
Teddy knows my limit.
He knows just how much I'll put up with.
- (Cheers, whoops)
- Hey, coach!
Great game, guys.
I didn't wanna coach at notre dame anyway!
- (All laugh)
- What the hell!
I'll send my wife down there.
She'll do a betterjob moving the guys.
Now, hey, enjoy yourselves tonight.
It was a great win.
But don't wear yourselves out helping the
sorority ladies with the scavenger hunt.
- (All laugh)
- Ok!
Hold it! By the way,
11 o'clock sharp, practice tomorrow.
- No baloney, be there.
- Ok.
- (Groaning)
- What a drag!
Practice? Now, that is depressing.
What does he mean
about helping the sorority girls out?
We can if we want, can't we?
Bostwick, sometimes, you know,
you're really a nerd.
(Man mimicking grenades exploding)
Aargh! I'm hit, Ralph! Ralph, I'm hit!
I'm hit! I'm hit! I'm hit!
Helicopter, seven o'clock!
(G roans)
(Both) J we got places to go!
Places to go! J
- oh, here comes the blues brothers!
- (Laughter)
(Enthusiastic greetings)
Oh, god!
- Hi, baby!
- Richter scale!
(French accent) Oh, yes, sports fans,
the momentum burn on the hardwood floor
of the legendary
DeWitt college campus tonight!
When the incomparable maniac krizaniac
and the legendary, quintessential
Theodore ratliff donned up the motors
and snatched victory
from the jaws of defeat.
- Snatch!
- And... and... and...
- Meanwhile, I was confused because...
- What?
- I don't know anything about basketball.
- You don't know nothing?
- But I kept going.
- Damn, y'all!
(English accent) Hey, damned be he
who cries out first.
Lay off, macduff!
Ah, hey, are you taking
an English drama course?
Oh, mata hari has learned our secret.
A-ha, our flies are open to you!
Aargh!
And your parents thought they were wasting
money sending you guys to college?
So, you guys planning on coming
to the big party tonight?
(Affected) Ha! We never miss a party,
do we, hagan?
Are you kidding?
Besides the scavenger hunt
and the performance on the hard wood
tonight, fellas... ha-ha-ha!
It will be the event of the weekend.
- Oh, indeed! It's the event.
- You dressing up?
(Both shriek)
You know, I'm glad you asked that question
because I am going as beaver cleaver.
(Chuckles) Dancer?
He's gonna cleave the beaver!
(Laughing) Oh, no! You're disgusting!
- He's disgusting.
- Disgusting.
- I am revolting! Ha!
- Revolting!
Major Lee revulsion!
Beaver! Beaver at six o'clock!
- Part, beaver.
- Horny! Horny! Horny! Horny!
Oh, get out!
(Both chanting) Lions and tigers
and beaver!
Lions and tigers and beaver!
Lions and tigers and beaver!
Where the hell have you been?
I got the whole grave dug by myself!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's plant this nut Cavanaugh and split!
This is the guy who killed
that college security guard's daughter.
He just hung himself at the asylum.
His sister's the one
who's paying us to Bury him.
- Here, have a drink.
- Ok.
C'mon, let's get this job finished.
And get outta here.
Ugh! Aargh!
Ugh!
Oh, no!
Wow, wow, wow! What a ballgame!
Old Charlie here would like
to dedicate the start
of 56 hours of solid old gold music
to the bears,
for they are solid gold.
Yes, sir, solid gold.
And away we go-woah-woah!
- Barney!
- (Toots horn) There he is!
Hey, hey, hey. Lookit, iookit, iookit.
I know I'm beautiful
but you've gotta control yourself, woman.
You did it, kid. You won the game!
Oh, jeez, I'm so proud of you.
Hey, so what does the hero wanna eat, huh?
Well, let's take a look. All right...
Four double cheeseburgers,
two fries, two rings,
two maximum cokes,
one stupendous root beer,
one small chocolate shake
and a jellied doughnut.
Now, for the main course.
What are you gonna have for dessert, huh?
A stomach pump?
- What's with all this food?
- Now, now, Barney. I'm a growing boy.
Oh, yeah? What are you growing, huh?
A twin?
Hey, do you think the world's ready
for another ratliff?
I don't think the world is ready
for this ratliff.
- Where's your partner in crime?
- Who, maniac?
He's back at the table with Lynn.
(Whistles loudly) Hey, maniac!
Way to go! Way to go!
(Weakly) Barney, Barney, I need food.
(Laughs) Come on! Get outta here!
Get outta here!
- I'll call you when it's ready.
- Ok.
'Yowzer! That's playin' it like it is!'
and now for all you good people getting
ready for your big scavenger hunt,
here's the lovin' spoonful
with "do you believe in magic"?
I said, "do you believe in magic?"
- (J' track begins)
- C'mon, Mike.
I can tell when something's bothering you.
Bothering me?
Ok, there's something bothering me.
- You're bothering me.
- What have I done?
You can't think of anything?
You don't know?
Well, then,
I guess there must be nothing wrong.
You know, Mike,
sometimes you can get very weird.
And you're getting worse lately.
You don't understand me, do you?
That's ok.
I'm used to being misunderstood.
I can tell when something's bugging you.
- (Scoffs) All right, what about Benson?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
Come on! Don't bullshit me!
You know what I'm talking about.
- Hey, hey, we've got company.
- Oh.
You know you're gonna drive Barney crazy.
Oh, that's not a drive, that's a putt.
Besides, she loves it!
I'll tell y'all one thing.
She's a hell of a lot better
than that old witch we had last year.
- Damn!
- You mean Mrs. Gates?
No, no, he means Mrs. Bates.
- The woman in psycho, remember?
- No.
Hey, maniac, come on,
show Lynn your Mrs. Bates impression.
(Both) Oh, come on!
- (Teddy) All right, catch this.
- (Lynn) Ok.
Mrs. Bates? Mrs. Bates?
Norman's calling you.
(Lynn laughs)
You guys are definitely strange!
No. No, we're not. We're just typical
victims of a society gone berserk!
Aargh! Oooh!
Hey, hey, hey, gang.
- Hey, thank you, Barney.
- Great service! What's the damage?
Your money's no good here.
This one's on Mac.
- Mac the cop bought it?
- Yeah.
(Teddy) That's funny, I always figured
he didn't like students very much.
- Well, let's eat.
- Yeah, let's do it.
Hey, hey, hey, all you Jimmy Dean types.
Come on out, because tonight's the night
for you old beatniks,
Bobby-soxers and flower children.
Remember the big golden oldies party
at the gamma house.
'I said at the gamma house. Yeah!'
it's the sheriff of Nottingham
and the fair maid Marion.
- Right, hit me, cowboy.
- Ok.
(Screams) Hey! Watch it!
(Teddy laughs)
- Come on, sit down, Lynnie.
- Cool out, guys.
A little Jack Daniels never hurt anybody.
Have a sip, come on.
More, more, more!
- Oh, gimme that.
- Ugh.
Gotta drink it like a man.
- (Teddy laughs)
- Don't get my costume wet!
- Are you guys ready to go to the party?
- About in a quarter of an hour.
This is your party, little darlin'!
C'mon! You guys want to sit around here
and play? I'll call a babysitter.
- (Mimics baby's cry)
- Hey, can she be topless?
- Of course.
- Woo!
- I'll see you later.
- Come on, have another drink. One more.
A little more, a little more. (Laughs)
What a pig! Ooh, look at that!
Watch out for the boogieman.
Any boogieman would make
a better date than you, honey.
(Maniac laughs)
- That took some thinking.
- Ah, that was real intelligent.
J every party has a pooper
(both) J that's why we invited you
j party pooper... j
(Distant dog barks)
(Footsteps crunch)
(Owl hooting)
(J' tense, suspenseful)
(Screams)
Ralph! Someone's chasing me.
- Yeah, it was me.
- What?
Uh... you dropped this.
Oh!
Oh, thank you.
Uh... I didn't mean to scare you.
I'm really sorry.
(Nervous laugh)
I'd really like to go in with you
to the party.
I... didn't bring a girl.
Oh, sure.
You know, you really scared me.
You know, girls shouldn't be
out at night alone.
I'm beginning to find that out.
Let's go.
(J' Tommy Jones & the shondells:
"I'm alive" )
(Laughter, chatter)
J I'm alive!
J and I'm breathin' clean, fresh air today
I'm alive!
J I'm alive!
J who cares if my hair
is a little bit long, I'm alive!
J I'm alive!
J and I'm doin' my thing
and singin' my song, I'm alive!
- (Teddy) Get in here! Get in here!
- (Groaning)
(Screams)
- In there!
- (Groaning)
Get in there!
- Hi, boys.
- Janey!
Hey, baby! Let me check your mileage!
- Woo, yeah! You look hot!
- (Moaning)
- Hey, Jane, you like this guy?
- Yeah.
- You have got him! You've won the prize!
- I got him? What's he supposed to be?
He is the result
of one of my bad sex experiments.
What will modern science think of next?
Woo!
Eat her up, baby!
You're bad! You gone bad!
Heel! Heel!
Woah! Bad boy. Come on!
Walked in and I spied a girl
named Sheila.
- I walked up and said, "can I feel ya?"
- Oh, baby!
She said with a stink,
"Teddy, get me a drink."
And I said,
"I don't think so. I'll see ya."
- Can I go get you a drink?
- Teddy, you can get me more than a drink.
Oh, I'll go see what they have
at the hors d'oeuvres bar.
Oh, please do.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(J' Ohio express:
"Yummy, yummy, yummy")
J yummy, yummy, yummy
I got love in my tummy... j
oh, maniac.
Like, I really love
to watch you make a pass.
At basketball. (Giggles)
Maniac!
Excuse me a sec.
Leslie! Leslie!
Um... can I talk to you a second?
J ooh, love, you're sweeter
sweeter than sugar
j ooh, love, I won't let you go... j
- I thought we were gonna talk.
- I'm just a little smashed.
Well, I never could compete
with Jack Daniels, basketball
and Teddy ratliff.
Sorry, Pete.
He-he-he! Tell these little mucous
membranes about Dickie Cavanaugh!
Uh, I want you to meet
Dickie Cavanaugh.
In many ways,
he was a lot like you boys.
He was young, semi-literate
and he was an American.
Then one night, they took old Dickie
out into the woods.
Dickie came back.
But his mind just kinda stayed out there.
They had to take him up to the loony bin
in ol' Weston hill.
He's been there ever since, just
screamin' and a-hollerin' all night long.
(Cackling)
Think about it, fellas.
C'mon, hagan,
let's go drink some women.
(Hagan) Oh, drink women!
Bye, fellas.
(High-pitched) Bye.
(Hagan laughing)
- Did you hear that?
- Do you think it's true?
- It's a bunch of shit!
- What do you know?
My brother went here six years ago and
they tried to dump the same stuff on him.
- Oh, yeah?
- Really?
He said... he said this guy,
Dickie Cavanaugh, did flip out.
Yeah?
But it had nothing to do
with the bear ritual.
- He got hung up on some cheerleader.
- Gotta have a little bit... (Laughs)
- And then he killed her...
- Killed her?
- When she dumped him for another guy.
- Oh, shit.
He did it right in the middle
of the scavenger hunt.
- Phew!
- Come here. See that girl there?
Patty macvey. She was Mac's daughter.
- Who?
- Mr. Macvey.
He's head of campus security
that's always poking his nose around.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- I'm gonna check out the action.
- Yeah, good luck.
- Catch you later.
(Laughter, chatter, music)
- Ralph, I never saw you dance before.
- Ha, it's the beer.
- You want some cherry lip balm?
- Nah.
Hey, Ralph, go like that.
- What?
- Go like that. Go like that.
Just a second, you got something right...
- Ugh.
- Ralph, are you ok?
- (Sobbing, laughing)
- Ralph! That was like real insane.
It was a riot! I wish I'd had my camera
with me, I would have taken a photo.
Stick it right up on the w... who is it?
I like it! I've been waiting for...
- (Heavy breathing)
- Benson! God! Gross me out!
Cool yourjets! God!
(J' romantic)
Excuse me, Teddy.
- Listen, can I ask you a question?
- Sure, kid. What is it?
Well, we were just wondering if you could
tell us anything about Dickie Cavanaugh.
- Who?
- Dickie Cavanaugh.
He murdered that girl a long time ago
and got put away for it.
Least, that's the way I heard it.
She dumped him or something.
Look, it didn't have anything to do
with the bear in hell week, did it?
Nah, kid, just relax.
Dickie was crazy anyway.
Excuse me, I've got some business
to take care of.
Ooh! Excuse me!
- Hey, nice party, huh?
- Oh, lots of people.
I'm, uh... Teddy ratliff.
I'm captain of the basketball team.
Hi, I'm dawn Sorenson.
And I couldn't care less.
- (Laughs)
- Ok, score one for you.
- Sorry.
- But, uh... don't you feel it in the air?
It's destiny. We were meant to meet.
Uh... I don't think so.
If you don't believe me,
you can ask him.
- Who's him?
- That's my boyfriend.
His name is bud Remington.
I'm sure you've heard of his family.
Oh, yeah.
The New York remingtons.
They own company
after company and, uh...
From the looks of him,
one of them must be a distillery.
- Cheap shot.
- Score one. Even.
- You got it.
- Ok.
C'mon! Your turn, jock-pits!
- (Jane laughing)
- Ha-ha! Jock-pits opens for one shirt.
(Woman groans) Oh, god, dancer.
You skunk!
You're wearing a bra!
- And I thought you were liberated.
- Well, tootsie.
- I'd never get across campus without it.
- Well, what if we lose everything?
What do we do next?
- Oh, god!
- (All laughing)
- Oh, no!
- What if we lose everything?
What do we do next?
Well, I plead the fifth.
I refuse to answer on the grounds
I may inseminate myself.
(Groans, laughter)
(I the lovin' spoonful:
"Do you believe in magic?")
J do you believe in magic
in a young girl's heart...? J
easy. Pryor's right over there.
I don't want to make him look foolish.
- When are you gonna tell him?
- Tonight.
I wanna break it to him real easy.
- Just don't be easy with me.
- Mm-mm.
Benson. Psst, psst.
Lose some of the hair.
J your feet start tapping
and you can't seem to find
j how you got there
so you just blow your mind... j
So, um, what are you
and little Iggy doing tomorrow night?
Iggy tomorrow night? We're gonna be
listening for them clues tomorrow night.
Oh, well, that's just great because
I'm gonna be in one of my club meetings
and I was wondering if you might be able
to assist me, the two of you.
Are you kidding?
Me and Iggy, we can help you out!
- Well, that would be great.
- We could sniff out the clues
what is this stuff with Benson?
You come here with me?
You get it on with him?
You don't even talk to me?
Please don't start now.
(Clears throat)
Listen to me.
I'm not gonna let that creep
take you away from me.
- You got that?
- Reel it in, pryor. You don't own me!
Really? We'll see.
(Screams) Get off of me! Get off of me!
(J' music fades)
You little bitch.
You just take what you can get.
All of you, you're nothing
but a bunch of whores.
I won't forget this.
(Door slams)
- Are you all right?
- (J' music restarts)
He always was a little strange.
- He's a lunatic.
- No, no, no. This is different.
I think you should look
behind your shoulder.
- Come on, lover boy.
- Lynn! Have you met my cousin?
Dawn. Dawn Sorenson.
- Come on. Let's go. Come on, lover boy!
- My cousin dawn Sorenson?
Photo time!
(All cheer)
Get up! Get hot!
Get the sand out of your ass!
Get wasted! Get tasted!
Get up and smoke some grass!
If you don't get pregnant
or end up in the slammer,
you can join our sorority,
and be in kappa gamma!
(Shutter clicks, cheering fades)
Till tomorrow,
or should I say later today,
this is old Charlie kaiser wrapping it up.
Now all you good people
catch some sleep for the hunt tonight.
Be mellow.
Be happy.
Get high.
(I the lovin' spoonful:
"Summer in the city")
J hot town, summer in the city
back of my neck gettin' dirty and gritty
j been down, isn't it a pity?
Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city
j all around, people looking half dead
j walking on the sidewalk,
hotter than a match head
- (knock on door)
- J but at night it's a different world...
Yeah?
(Knocking)
Who is it?
(Knocking)
J in the summer, in the city...
Wait a sec.
Who is it? How are ya?
(Screams)
J but at night it's a different world
j go out and find a girl
come on, come on...
(Rasping whisper) Sorry,
but I need this more than you do.
J that the days can't be like the nights
j in the summer, in the city
j in the summer, in the city... j
(G roans)
You know, you almost broke my neck
with that damn leash tonight.
Well, try harder next time.
"Meet my cousin!" What crap?
My head's killing me already.
Oh, gimme a break.
How come you act like such an ass
when you're drunk?
Basically, I'm a very anal person.
You see, it all stems
from childhood repressions.
Right, that gives you a reason
to screw around?
No. I do that to, uh...
Keep you on your toes.
Hey.
I think you're reallyjealous.
Insufled.
If you're gonna do something like that,
don't do it right in front of me, ok?
Mm, c'mon, you know it doesn't mean
anything to me.
Yeah, well, it made me look like a fool!
Especially in front of someone
like dawn Sorenson.
- What do you mean?
- (Sighs)
I have feelings, too, ok?
C'mon, look...
I was a little drunk
and I felt sorry for her, you know,
being with that creep, bud Remington.
If you're gonna feel sorry for someone,
feel sorry for Mike pryor.
Why should I? The guy's nuts!
That speech tonight.
(Mimics) "You're all a bunch of whores."
That only proved it.
Hey, I think I heard something outside.
What?
(Farts)
- Oh!
- Oh, god! I feel so much better!
- You are a gross man!
- Mm, smell that baby!
- That's a winner!
- You're disgusting! What do I see in you?
Who else could give you odorama? (Laughs)
Jerk!
(Clattering)
Hey, I think I hear something out there.
- Please, not again.
- No, no. Shh! Really.
Really. Just...
(Thud)
See? I told you.
What do you think it is?
I don't know.
Probablyjust a raccoon or something.
- I'll go outside and...
- Don't go out there.
Hey! You think a raccoon can defeat
your great ratliff?
No way!
Anyway... you don't want them...
To stick that garbage...
All over... your front lawn...
Cos then everyone will find out about us.
(Laughs)
- I'll be right back.
- You'd better be.
Be careful.
(Distant dog barks)
- Miaow!
- (Clatter)
- Oh, Lynn!
- (Laughing) It's me.
It's me, I'm sorry. Are you ok?
What the hell are you...?
I missed you.
Yeah, you missed me.
I almost got a heart attack out here.
- You ok?
- Ok, the sound's nothing.
- No raccoon. Let's go back in.
- Let's go back in.
Definitely. Right away.
- You almost scared the hell outta me.
- I'm sorry.
(Heavy breathing)
(Laughing)
(Birdsong)
Hello. You're Mike pryor, aren't you?
Right.
I hear you caused quite a stir last night.
Well, I really don't think
it's any of your business.
Anything or anybody
that causes a commotion
around this campus is my business.
- It's all bullshit.
- What's the matter with you?
Where do you come off
talking like that, huh?
Why don't you go hand out parking tickets
and leave me alone?
- Stick to something you know about!
- Something I know about?
Listen...
My daughter was about your age.
Then she met a guy like you.
Now she's dead.
Well, I'm sorry,
but that doesn't change the way I feel.
Or anything else.
(Laughter)
- They always do.
- Oh, yeah, fast. Very fast.
Shh!
- What?
- Nothing!
Do you remember two years ago
when one of the hidden things
- was coach kimble's jockstrap?
- Oh, yes!
And Sally got caught in his house
trying to find it!
Do you think she was lying
when she said he wanted her to put it on?
If that dirty old man said that to me,
I'd end what's left
of his sex life real quick!
Speaking of sex,
what's Teddy doing tonight?
I don't know. Said something about
going to the hunt with maniac.
- He's been giving me problems lately.
- He doesn't deserve you, Lynn.
You're too nice.
He just takes advantage of it.
- Such are the ways of men!
- Some men.
If I were you, I'd keep an eye on him.
Hey, Teddy's all right.
- Just needs a little time to grow up.
- (Sheila laughs)
There's only one part of Teddy ratliff
that's going to grow,
and we all know what part that is!
- Sheila!
- (All laugh)
(J' Barney whistling to the radio)
Finally!
That burger's naked.
Nutter! Hey, what's with maniac, huh?
Ugh. Leslie dumped on him.
And now she's taken up
with the president of delta fi.
You know, it's not enough
that the school tries to screw you.
Everybody else has to screw around
with everybody else.
Hm, watch out.
You're gonna turn into a cynic!
Maybe. Sometimes I think
Lynn's the only loyal person left.
Ah, I know what you mean, I know.
I see it all the time.
Girls jumping from one bed to another bed,
they drive guys crazy.
Lynn is a really nice girl.
There's not too many of 'em
around anymore.
Thank god for that!
- See ya later, sweetheart!
- Get outta here!
(Honks horn)
(J' bluegrass playing)
Say, Mac, how do you want to handle
security on the scavenger hunt?
No problem. Take the night off.
I'll prowl the campus myself.
It'll be quiet.
Ok, see you Monday. Thanks.
This is wdbx, the scavenger hunt station
on old gold weekend.
'Now for some more music.
'Here comes Tommy James & the shondells
with some "hanky panky". '
j my baby does the hanky panky
j yeah, my baby does the hanky panky
j my baby does the hanky panky
j my baby does the hanky panky
j hey, my baby does the hanky panky
"look back inside your box..."
- (Laughter)
- What are you doing in there?
How long are you gonna be studying
for that biology test?
I can't believe you remembered.
- Well, till about 12:30.
- Good time.
- I'll see ya later, then.
- You're crazy!
- You're never gonna get in the dorm.
- Hey, I got in here, didn't I?
(Laughs)
- I've gotta go. See you later.
- Wait...
- What are you doing?
- Uh... nothing.
Ok. Stop the walls from moving,
buckle your seatbelts and here we go!
We've hidden 36 items on campus
and I'll give you six clues an hour
until six o'clock.
At 6:30, a representative
from each sorority and fraternity
has to be at the station
with all the items they've collected.
'The team with the most items
is the winner
'and gets a vacation for two
at the club Caribbean'
of your choice with a friend of your
choice or any stranger you may pick up.
'The runners-up will get a motorcycle
'with a special rack on the back to carry
three cases of schaefer for the weekend,
'courtesy of Phil's body shop,
'where they take the dents out
of your heap without it costing you a pile.
'A 50-lbs. Sack of wheatgerm
from Louie's groceries.
'A certificate good for new heels
and soles for a pair of boots from jc's.
'God knows,
most of us could use some "soul".
'A complete set of works of Khalil gibran
from campus books.
'Ten pounds of nails
from friendly hardware.
'Three mobil no-pest strips and
a gallon of gas from hal's service station.
'So, get ready and let's get going.'
here's clue number one,
"I help keep your gums strong,
"and I'm hiding in a place
a vegetable might be tried."
'Did you get that one?
"'I'm good for your gums and I'm hiding
in a place a vegetable might be tried..."'
it's a little nub. Just a little nub!
I got more. You want some more?
Shall we do two?
Let's do two!
Ok. Now wait, be serious.
"A place where vegetables
might be tried."
Get tried?
- Tried in a court?
- Yeah? What?
- (Laughing) No! I don't know!
- It's too difficult.
- (Screams) I got it! I got it!
- What? What? What? What?
A vegetable court is a squash court.
- Yeah!
- Yeah! Yeah!
Fonnard!
(Both yelling nonsense)
What an asshole! Waaaaa!
(Crash, clatter)
J yummy, yummy, yummy
I got love in my tummy...
- Who's been messing with my lists?
- 'Not me, man, I haven't seen them.'
I don't know. Maybe I spilled
something from a soda.
I think you're the only noodle on campus
who'd even know what a squash court is.
No! Let's check it out.
I'm sticking with the dining halls.
I'm gonna check them out.
All right.
You go down to the dining halls
and I'm going down to the gym.
- All right. Meet back here?
- Ok. Meet back here.
- 20 minutes?
- 20 minutes.
- Captain, request to synchronize watches.
- Ok.
I don't have a watch.
- (Laughs)
- I think we're sunk before we start.
- Ok, let's go.
- Can you count to 20?
Just count very slowly,
then come back here. I'll see you later.
- That's 20 seconds, not 20 minutes.
- Count slow.
- Oh, ok. Bye.
- Bye.
J sweet thing, that ain't no lie
j I love to hold ya...'
- wdbx all night, Charlie kaiser.
- 'This is Rebecca from zeta house.'
'Jimmy! I came to your apartment to look
at an x-rated cassette, not star in one!
'Kaiser, could you repeat the first clue?
I was busy and missed part of it.'
sorry, Rebecca, we can't repeat clues.
You should have a base station listening.
J sweet thing
j yummy, yummy
j sweet thing... j
(Jane singing) J yummy, yummy, yummy
I got love in my tummy
(laughs)
J and it's taking me to find you j
I bet you're in there!
Oh, where are you? Come on!
(Laughs)
J yummy, yummy, yummy j
where are you hiding?
Shhhh!
Oh! Where are you?
I know you're in there! (Laughs)
I'm gonna get ya!
I'm gonna get you!
Oh, wow!
Got my idea for number one?
(Giggles)
Oooh!
Uh, dental floss.
Good for your gums, so yeah. (Laughs)
A vegetable court is a squash court...
(Screams)
Help me!
(Rasping voice) Bitch!
Pay the price, you whore!
You whore!
Hey, it's 12:12 here in westville
and time for clue number two. Here goes.
"I'm object number two
and I keep your airs in place.
"Where everything comes clean,
you can see my face."
(Laughter)
- (Leslie) Lights.
- (Switch clicking)
- Oh, damn! There aren't any lights!
- (Sheila) They don't work.
- Come on, guys.
- (Trish) I don't wanna go in there.
- I really don't.
- (Sheila) C'mon! It'll be great.
- Shh!
- What is it?
- (Sheila) I thought I heard something.
- (Trish) Shit! Don't do that!
(All scream)
(Laughter)
- (Trish) That's not funny.
- (Sheila) Yes, it is!
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is. C'mon!
(Leslie) Let's just check out the machines
and get out of here.
- (Trish) I'd rather be in bed personally.
- You would!
- That makes sense.
- (Laughs)
Right!
- (Crash)
- (Screams)
- Sheila!
- What?
(J' music on radio)
Jane! Where are you?
Hey, we got it.
This has got to be it, a baby carriage.
- What?
- You know "keep your heirs in place".
H-e-i-r-s.
- Heirs!
- Yes! We got one!
I thought he meant "air" like "fresh air".
Jesus!
Hey, get in.
(Trish) Sure, there's no fresh air
in here anyway!
Come on, let's get out of here.
(Sheila) C'mon, c'mon! Let's get out
of here! I wanna get the next clue.
(Trish) It isn't getting any less creepy
in here, you know.
(Heavy breathing)
(No ringtone)
Wdbx, kaiser.
Wdbx, what can I do you for?
(Rasping whisper) Dickie is out
and janey is number one.
(Laughs)
Nice talking to ya.
Janey?
Janey?
Janey?
Hi, Lynn?
- Listen, is janey at the house?
- No, I thought she was with you.
She was, but then we split up to search
and she told me she'd meet me
in ten minutes and she never showed.
Well, are you in the right place?
Maybe she's looking for you.
Maybe. Listen, if you see her, tell her
to meet me at the house at 1:30, ok?
Janey?
- (Door creaking)
- Janey?
(Running water)
Janey?
Janey, are you in there?
(Running water)
(Water off)
(Shower running)
Janey?
Janey? Janey? No!
(Screams)
Splendid!
(I the lovin' spoonful:
"Didn't want to have to do it")
J didn't want to have to do it
j didn't want to have to break your heart
j didn't want to have to do it
(faintly) J I kept a-hoping
from the very start
j but you kept on a-tryin'
j and I knew
that you'd end up a-cryin'
j and I knew
I didn't want to have to do it
j at all
j didn't want to have to do it
j didn't want to have to be
the one to say it
j didn't want to have to do it
j I kept a-hoping there'd be something
to delay it again
j yeah, but then
j no, I didn't want to have to be
the one to say "the end"
j was a time I thought our love could fly
j and never, never fall...
Will you please hand me a towel?
J to be close to each other at all... j
um, you don't have to get dressed
on my account.
You take a lot for granted.
You know if I were to scream,
you would be in a lot of trouble.
You wouldn't do that.
- I'm hardly worth a scream.
- What do you think you're doing here?
Well, I didn't want to stand you up
on our first date.
Oh, our first date. I almost forgot.
So, how's our baseball hero tonight?
Basketball, and who said I was a hero?
As I recall, you did.
At the party?
Oh. Well, we gonna spend the rest
of the evening in the bathroom?
- It's a really nice place you have here.
- Thank you.
Um... mayl...
Offer you a drink?
Sure, but may I offer you some wine?
Uh... sure.
Yeah,
wine is great for those special occasions.
To a wonderful evening.
Now, that remains to be seen, doesn't it?
Listen up, I've had a couple of calls
complaining the clues are too hard.
Sorry, but it wouldn't be any fun
if the clues are easy.
Remember, a new clue coming up soon.
In the meantime, let's warm up this place
with "summer in the city"
by the lovin' spoonful.
(J' track begins)
- Wdbx, kaiser here.
- (Rasping whisper) 'Kathy's number two.
'Who'll be number three?'
j been down, isn't it a pity,
doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city...
(Mimics) This is the kaiser speaking.
Ready for the next hunt clue?
Kaiser, kaiser.
I want it. I want it. I want it.
I need it, I need it, I need it.
Ok, this priceless item
is long and it's soft
and longer when it's hard.
My god! That's what I want.
That's what I want.
All right! Keep tight!
Who knows what you'll sight?
It's now time for clue number eight
and here it is.
"I'm on a beach and I'm a groovy king.
"'Find the right fork
and you can make me sing.
Is there a beach around here anywhere?
I can't think of any.
The only place I can think of is Swanson's
pond, if you call that place a beach.
Um... I don't think
that's what he had in mind.
I don't know, then.
I'll check it out anyway.
I'll check out the lodge
while I'm there, too.
(Phone rings)
Security, macvey.
- Hi, this is Charlie kaiser over at wdbx.
- 'Yeah?'
this may be nothing, but I'm getting some
really strange calls here at the station.
What do you mean strange?
Somebody's been calling up and
saying some pretty off-the-wall things.
- Man or woman?
- That's part of it. I can't tell.
Is it some kind ofjoke?
- You know what it means?
- 'No idea. It's probably nothing.'
but you know, there's something
really creepy about it.
You did right to call.
If you figure out what it means
or if you're getting more calls like that,
get me here quick.
- 'You think something's wrong?'
- Oh, I'm sure it's just some crank.
You seem to bring 'em out, kaiser.
No insult meant.
None taken, Mac.
I know my following.
(Twig snaps)
Benson! I underestimated you.
Could this be love?
Well, if you want me,
you'll have to come and get me.
(Laughs)
Come on!
You must be getting hungry now,
Benson.
(Creaking)
(Giggling)
00:59:54
(J' tense, suspenseful)
(Wind howling)
(Distant cries distorted)
(Phone rings)
Yes, Mr. Cavanaugh?
Why don't you answer me?
(Line clicks dead)
(Rings)
What is it, Mr. Cavanaugh?
(Heavy breathing)
(Distorted howling echoes)
Mr. Cavanaugh?
(Howling intensifies)
(Chanting and cheering)
J do something to me
j I've got to find love in a hurry
j c'mon, do something to me
j help me to ease all the worry
j do something to me
j I've got to find love in a hurry
j do something to me... j
ladies and gentlemen,
with 11 seconds left in the game,
Peter krizaniac has committed
his fourth foul.
The score is drover 71, DeWitt 70.
For Christ's sake, maniac,
get your head outta your ass, will you?
We're gonna blow this game!
(Chanting) Go team, go! Go team, go!
We got four fouls. He'll choke up.
When we get the ball,
I want a simple play down court.
Go, team! Let's do this!
Look at me, man.
What the hell's going on?
- You're letting us down.
- Ok.
Look at me! Whatever's bothering you,
we'll talk about it later.
Just give me 11 seconds.
J love me, love me,
love me, love me, love
j yeah, love me, love me,
love me, love me love
j love me, love me, love me,
love me love
j love me, love me, love me,
love me love...
(Klaxon blares)
J do something to me
j ease all the worry
j do something to me
j I've got to find love in a hurry
j c'mon, do something to me... j
what a ballgame. A basket by Peter
'maniac' krizaniac in the final seconds.
DeWitt will go on to the tac tournament.
(Excited chatter)
Yeah!
Hey.
(Retching)
- (Spitting)
- Hey.
What's the matter?
Nothing.
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Talk about what?
Once again the final score:
DeWitt 72, drovers 71.
So, until next Tuesday night's
championship game at 7:50,
'this is Charlie kaiser,
the voice of DeWitt basketball.
'And don't forget to be with me tomorrow
night for the annual wdbx scavenger hunt.'
hey, pryor.
How about a cheer for our heroic boys?
That's what we love about you, pryor,
your sense of enthusiasm!
You'd like it better if I ran around and
made an asshole of myself in a bear suit?
You know, that's an idea for you, pryor.
(Laughs) Hey, man.
Pryor's going to take over my bear suit.
Lay off, Benson,
I've had enough of your bullshit!
I told you, it's nothin'.
(Sighs) God, I wish you believed that,
cos it was nothin'.
- She's just a girl.
- Yeah, that's easy for you to say.
- You think I've never been dumped before?
- Not that I've noticed, no.
Well, I have, plenty of times.
I just don't go around telling everybody.
What am I supposed to do?
I couldn't think of nothin' else
out there tonight. Damn!
You've gotta pull yourself together, man.
- Sure, but what if pryor finds out?
- So, he'll find out.
I know, I know.
I guess I'll have to break it to him easy.
I don't really want to hurt him.
Well... then, why?
I just couldn't help myself!
Benson is just too much!
He kept it up forever!
It hurts when I sit down!
- God, Sheila, he's your cousin!
- Second cousin.
Down to action!
Let's bring on the main attraction.
Oh, my little super-stud!
You gonna leave some of the chickadees
for the rest of the lowlifes?
- If you ask politely, yes.
- Oh!
I mean, it's been Teddy for two years.
Don't you even get curious
about how it is with somebody else?
- I'll bet Teddy does.
- (Laughs)
Teddy knows my limit.
He knows just how much I'll put up with.
- (Cheers, whoops)
- Hey, coach!
Great game, guys.
I didn't wanna coach at notre dame anyway!
- (All laugh)
- What the hell!
I'll send my wife down there.
She'll do a betterjob moving the guys.
Now, hey, enjoy yourselves tonight.
It was a great win.
But don't wear yourselves out helping the
sorority ladies with the scavenger hunt.
- (All laugh)
- Ok!
Hold it! By the way,
11 o'clock sharp, practice tomorrow.
- No baloney, be there.
- Ok.
- (Groaning)
- What a drag!
Practice? Now, that is depressing.
What does he mean
about helping the sorority girls out?
We can if we want, can't we?
Bostwick, sometimes, you know,
you're really a nerd.
(Man mimicking grenades exploding)
Aargh! I'm hit, Ralph! Ralph, I'm hit!
I'm hit! I'm hit! I'm hit!
Helicopter, seven o'clock!
(G roans)
(Both) J we got places to go!
Places to go! J
- oh, here comes the blues brothers!
- (Laughter)
(Enthusiastic greetings)
Oh, god!
- Hi, baby!
- Richter scale!
(French accent) Oh, yes, sports fans,
the momentum burn on the hardwood floor
of the legendary
DeWitt college campus tonight!
When the incomparable maniac krizaniac
and the legendary, quintessential
Theodore ratliff donned up the motors
and snatched victory
from the jaws of defeat.
- Snatch!
- And... and... and...
- Meanwhile, I was confused because...
- What?
- I don't know anything about basketball.
- You don't know nothing?
- But I kept going.
- Damn, y'all!
(English accent) Hey, damned be he
who cries out first.
Lay off, macduff!
Ah, hey, are you taking
an English drama course?
Oh, mata hari has learned our secret.
A-ha, our flies are open to you!
Aargh!
And your parents thought they were wasting
money sending you guys to college?
So, you guys planning on coming
to the big party tonight?
(Affected) Ha! We never miss a party,
do we, hagan?
Are you kidding?
Besides the scavenger hunt
and the performance on the hard wood
tonight, fellas... ha-ha-ha!
It will be the event of the weekend.
- Oh, indeed! It's the event.
- You dressing up?
(Both shriek)
You know, I'm glad you asked that question
because I am going as beaver cleaver.
(Chuckles) Dancer?
He's gonna cleave the beaver!
(Laughing) Oh, no! You're disgusting!
- He's disgusting.
- Disgusting.
- I am revolting! Ha!
- Revolting!
Major Lee revulsion!
Beaver! Beaver at six o'clock!
- Part, beaver.
- Horny! Horny! Horny! Horny!
Oh, get out!
(Both chanting) Lions and tigers
and beaver!
Lions and tigers and beaver!
Lions and tigers and beaver!
Where the hell have you been?
I got the whole grave dug by myself!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's plant this nut Cavanaugh and split!
This is the guy who killed
that college security guard's daughter.
He just hung himself at the asylum.
His sister's the one
who's paying us to Bury him.
- Here, have a drink.
- Ok.
C'mon, let's get this job finished.
And get outta here.
Ugh! Aargh!
Ugh!
Oh, no!
Wow, wow, wow! What a ballgame!
Old Charlie here would like
to dedicate the start
of 56 hours of solid old gold music
to the bears,
for they are solid gold.
Yes, sir, solid gold.
And away we go-woah-woah!
- Barney!
- (Toots horn) There he is!
Hey, hey, hey. Lookit, iookit, iookit.
I know I'm beautiful
but you've gotta control yourself, woman.
You did it, kid. You won the game!
Oh, jeez, I'm so proud of you.
Hey, so what does the hero wanna eat, huh?
Well, let's take a look. All right...
Four double cheeseburgers,
two fries, two rings,
two maximum cokes,
one stupendous root beer,
one small chocolate shake
and a jellied doughnut.
Now, for the main course.
What are you gonna have for dessert, huh?
A stomach pump?
- What's with all this food?
- Now, now, Barney. I'm a growing boy.
Oh, yeah? What are you growing, huh?
A twin?
Hey, do you think the world's ready
for another ratliff?
I don't think the world is ready
for this ratliff.
- Where's your partner in crime?
- Who, maniac?
He's back at the table with Lynn.
(Whistles loudly) Hey, maniac!
Way to go! Way to go!
(Weakly) Barney, Barney, I need food.
(Laughs) Come on! Get outta here!
Get outta here!
- I'll call you when it's ready.
- Ok.
'Yowzer! That's playin' it like it is!'
and now for all you good people getting
ready for your big scavenger hunt,
here's the lovin' spoonful
with "do you believe in magic"?
I said, "do you believe in magic?"
- (J' track begins)
- C'mon, Mike.
I can tell when something's bothering you.
Bothering me?
Ok, there's something bothering me.
- You're bothering me.
- What have I done?
You can't think of anything?
You don't know?
Well, then,
I guess there must be nothing wrong.
You know, Mike,
sometimes you can get very weird.
And you're getting worse lately.
You don't understand me, do you?
That's ok.
I'm used to being misunderstood.
I can tell when something's bugging you.
- (Scoffs) All right, what about Benson?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
Come on! Don't bullshit me!
You know what I'm talking about.
- Hey, hey, we've got company.
- Oh.
You know you're gonna drive Barney crazy.
Oh, that's not a drive, that's a putt.
Besides, she loves it!
I'll tell y'all one thing.
She's a hell of a lot better
than that old witch we had last year.
- Damn!
- You mean Mrs. Gates?
No, no, he means Mrs. Bates.
- The woman in psycho, remember?
- No.
Hey, maniac, come on,
show Lynn your Mrs. Bates impression.
(Both) Oh, come on!
- (Teddy) All right, catch this.
- (Lynn) Ok.
Mrs. Bates? Mrs. Bates?
Norman's calling you.
(Lynn laughs)
You guys are definitely strange!
No. No, we're not. We're just typical
victims of a society gone berserk!
Aargh! Oooh!
Hey, hey, hey, gang.
- Hey, thank you, Barney.
- Great service! What's the damage?
Your money's no good here.
This one's on Mac.
- Mac the cop bought it?
- Yeah.
(Teddy) That's funny, I always figured
he didn't like students very much.
- Well, let's eat.
- Yeah, let's do it.
Hey, hey, hey, all you Jimmy Dean types.
Come on out, because tonight's the night
for you old beatniks,
Bobby-soxers and flower children.
Remember the big golden oldies party
at the gamma house.
'I said at the gamma house. Yeah!'
it's the sheriff of Nottingham
and the fair maid Marion.
- Right, hit me, cowboy.
- Ok.
(Screams) Hey! Watch it!
(Teddy laughs)
- Come on, sit down, Lynnie.
- Cool out, guys.
A little Jack Daniels never hurt anybody.
Have a sip, come on.
More, more, more!
- Oh, gimme that.
- Ugh.
Gotta drink it like a man.
- (Teddy laughs)
- Don't get my costume wet!
- Are you guys ready to go to the party?
- About in a quarter of an hour.
This is your party, little darlin'!
C'mon! You guys want to sit around here
and play? I'll call a babysitter.
- (Mimics baby's cry)
- Hey, can she be topless?
- Of course.
- Woo!
- I'll see you later.
- Come on, have another drink. One more.
A little more, a little more. (Laughs)
What a pig! Ooh, look at that!
Watch out for the boogieman.
Any boogieman would make
a better date than you, honey.
(Maniac laughs)
- That took some thinking.
- Ah, that was real intelligent.
J every party has a pooper
(both) J that's why we invited you
j party pooper... j
(Distant dog barks)
(Footsteps crunch)
(Owl hooting)
(J' tense, suspenseful)
(Screams)
Ralph! Someone's chasing me.
- Yeah, it was me.
- What?
Uh... you dropped this.
Oh!
Oh, thank you.
Uh... I didn't mean to scare you.
I'm really sorry.
(Nervous laugh)
I'd really like to go in with you
to the party.
I... didn't bring a girl.
Oh, sure.
You know, you really scared me.
You know, girls shouldn't be
out at night alone.
I'm beginning to find that out.
Let's go.
(J' Tommy Jones & the shondells:
"I'm alive" )
(Laughter, chatter)
J I'm alive!
J and I'm breathin' clean, fresh air today
I'm alive!
J I'm alive!
J who cares if my hair
is a little bit long, I'm alive!
J I'm alive!
J and I'm doin' my thing
and singin' my song, I'm alive!
- (Teddy) Get in here! Get in here!
- (Groaning)
(Screams)
- In there!
- (Groaning)
Get in there!
- Hi, boys.
- Janey!
Hey, baby! Let me check your mileage!
- Woo, yeah! You look hot!
- (Moaning)
- Hey, Jane, you like this guy?
- Yeah.
- You have got him! You've won the prize!
- I got him? What's he supposed to be?
He is the result
of one of my bad sex experiments.
What will modern science think of next?
Woo!
Eat her up, baby!
You're bad! You gone bad!
Heel! Heel!
Woah! Bad boy. Come on!
Walked in and I spied a girl
named Sheila.
- I walked up and said, "can I feel ya?"
- Oh, baby!
She said with a stink,
"Teddy, get me a drink."
And I said,
"I don't think so. I'll see ya."
- Can I go get you a drink?
- Teddy, you can get me more than a drink.
Oh, I'll go see what they have
at the hors d'oeuvres bar.
Oh, please do.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(J' Ohio express:
"Yummy, yummy, yummy")
J yummy, yummy, yummy
I got love in my tummy... j
oh, maniac.
Like, I really love
to watch you make a pass.
At basketball. (Giggles)
Maniac!
Excuse me a sec.
Leslie! Leslie!
Um... can I talk to you a second?
J ooh, love, you're sweeter
sweeter than sugar
j ooh, love, I won't let you go... j
- I thought we were gonna talk.
- I'm just a little smashed.
Well, I never could compete
with Jack Daniels, basketball
and Teddy ratliff.
Sorry, Pete.
He-he-he! Tell these little mucous
membranes about Dickie Cavanaugh!
Uh, I want you to meet
Dickie Cavanaugh.
In many ways,
he was a lot like you boys.
He was young, semi-literate
and he was an American.
Then one night, they took old Dickie
out into the woods.
Dickie came back.
But his mind just kinda stayed out there.
They had to take him up to the loony bin
in ol' Weston hill.
He's been there ever since, just
screamin' and a-hollerin' all night long.
(Cackling)
Think about it, fellas.
C'mon, hagan,
let's go drink some women.
(Hagan) Oh, drink women!
Bye, fellas.
(High-pitched) Bye.
(Hagan laughing)
- Did you hear that?
- Do you think it's true?
- It's a bunch of shit!
- What do you know?
My brother went here six years ago and
they tried to dump the same stuff on him.
- Oh, yeah?
- Really?
He said... he said this guy,
Dickie Cavanaugh, did flip out.
Yeah?
But it had nothing to do
with the bear ritual.
- He got hung up on some cheerleader.
- Gotta have a little bit... (Laughs)
- And then he killed her...
- Killed her?
- When she dumped him for another guy.
- Oh, shit.
He did it right in the middle
of the scavenger hunt.
- Phew!
- Come here. See that girl there?
Patty macvey. She was Mac's daughter.
- Who?
- Mr. Macvey.
He's head of campus security
that's always poking his nose around.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- I'm gonna check out the action.
- Yeah, good luck.
- Catch you later.
(Laughter, chatter, music)
- Ralph, I never saw you dance before.
- Ha, it's the beer.
- You want some cherry lip balm?
- Nah.
Hey, Ralph, go like that.
- What?
- Go like that. Go like that.
Just a second, you got something right...
- Ugh.
- Ralph, are you ok?
- (Sobbing, laughing)
- Ralph! That was like real insane.
It was a riot! I wish I'd had my camera
with me, I would have taken a photo.
Stick it right up on the w... who is it?
I like it! I've been waiting for...
- (Heavy breathing)
- Benson! God! Gross me out!
Cool yourjets! God!
(J' romantic)
Excuse me, Teddy.
- Listen, can I ask you a question?
- Sure, kid. What is it?
Well, we were just wondering if you could
tell us anything about Dickie Cavanaugh.
- Who?
- Dickie Cavanaugh.
He murdered that girl a long time ago
and got put away for it.
Least, that's the way I heard it.
She dumped him or something.
Look, it didn't have anything to do
with the bear in hell week, did it?
Nah, kid, just relax.
Dickie was crazy anyway.
Excuse me, I've got some business
to take care of.
Ooh! Excuse me!
- Hey, nice party, huh?
- Oh, lots of people.
I'm, uh... Teddy ratliff.
I'm captain of the basketball team.
Hi, I'm dawn Sorenson.
And I couldn't care less.
- (Laughs)
- Ok, score one for you.
- Sorry.
- But, uh... don't you feel it in the air?
It's destiny. We were meant to meet.
Uh... I don't think so.
If you don't believe me,
you can ask him.
- Who's him?
- That's my boyfriend.
His name is bud Remington.
I'm sure you've heard of his family.
Oh, yeah.
The New York remingtons.
They own company
after company and, uh...
From the looks of him,
one of them must be a distillery.
- Cheap shot.
- Score one. Even.
- You got it.
- Ok.
C'mon! Your turn, jock-pits!
- (Jane laughing)
- Ha-ha! Jock-pits opens for one shirt.
(Woman groans) Oh, god, dancer.
You skunk!
You're wearing a bra!
- And I thought you were liberated.
- Well, tootsie.
- I'd never get across campus without it.
- Well, what if we lose everything?
What do we do next?
- Oh, god!
- (All laughing)
- Oh, no!
- What if we lose everything?
What do we do next?
Well, I plead the fifth.
I refuse to answer on the grounds
I may inseminate myself.
(Groans, laughter)
(I the lovin' spoonful:
"Do you believe in magic?")
J do you believe in magic
in a young girl's heart...? J
easy. Pryor's right over there.
I don't want to make him look foolish.
- When are you gonna tell him?
- Tonight.
I wanna break it to him real easy.
- Just don't be easy with me.
- Mm-mm.
Benson. Psst, psst.
Lose some of the hair.
J your feet start tapping
and you can't seem to find
j how you got there
so you just blow your mind... j
So, um, what are you
and little Iggy doing tomorrow night?
Iggy tomorrow night? We're gonna be
listening for them clues tomorrow night.
Oh, well, that's just great because
I'm gonna be in one of my club meetings
and I was wondering if you might be able
to assist me, the two of you.
Are you kidding?
Me and Iggy, we can help you out!
- Well, that would be great.
- We could sniff out the clues
what is this stuff with Benson?
You come here with me?
You get it on with him?
You don't even talk to me?
Please don't start now.
(Clears throat)
Listen to me.
I'm not gonna let that creep
take you away from me.
- You got that?
- Reel it in, pryor. You don't own me!
Really? We'll see.
(Screams) Get off of me! Get off of me!
(J' music fades)
You little bitch.
You just take what you can get.
All of you, you're nothing
but a bunch of whores.
I won't forget this.
(Door slams)
- Are you all right?
- (J' music restarts)
He always was a little strange.
- He's a lunatic.
- No, no, no. This is different.
I think you should look
behind your shoulder.
- Come on, lover boy.
- Lynn! Have you met my cousin?
Dawn. Dawn Sorenson.
- Come on. Let's go. Come on, lover boy!
- My cousin dawn Sorenson?
Photo time!
(All cheer)
Get up! Get hot!
Get the sand out of your ass!
Get wasted! Get tasted!
Get up and smoke some grass!
If you don't get pregnant
or end up in the slammer,
you can join our sorority,
and be in kappa gamma!
(Shutter clicks, cheering fades)
Till tomorrow,
or should I say later today,
this is old Charlie kaiser wrapping it up.
Now all you good people
catch some sleep for the hunt tonight.
Be mellow.
Be happy.
Get high.
(I the lovin' spoonful:
"Summer in the city")
J hot town, summer in the city
back of my neck gettin' dirty and gritty
j been down, isn't it a pity?
Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city
j all around, people looking half dead
j walking on the sidewalk,
hotter than a match head
- (knock on door)
- J but at night it's a different world...
Yeah?
(Knocking)
Who is it?
(Knocking)
J in the summer, in the city...
Wait a sec.
Who is it? How are ya?
(Screams)
J but at night it's a different world
j go out and find a girl
come on, come on...
(Rasping whisper) Sorry,
but I need this more than you do.
J that the days can't be like the nights
j in the summer, in the city
j in the summer, in the city... j
(G roans)
You know, you almost broke my neck
with that damn leash tonight.
Well, try harder next time.
"Meet my cousin!" What crap?
My head's killing me already.
Oh, gimme a break.
How come you act like such an ass
when you're drunk?
Basically, I'm a very anal person.
You see, it all stems
from childhood repressions.
Right, that gives you a reason
to screw around?
No. I do that to, uh...
Keep you on your toes.
Hey.
I think you're reallyjealous.
Insufled.
If you're gonna do something like that,
don't do it right in front of me, ok?
Mm, c'mon, you know it doesn't mean
anything to me.
Yeah, well, it made me look like a fool!
Especially in front of someone
like dawn Sorenson.
- What do you mean?
- (Sighs)
I have feelings, too, ok?
C'mon, look...
I was a little drunk
and I felt sorry for her, you know,
being with that creep, bud Remington.
If you're gonna feel sorry for someone,
feel sorry for Mike pryor.
Why should I? The guy's nuts!
That speech tonight.
(Mimics) "You're all a bunch of whores."
That only proved it.
Hey, I think I heard something outside.
What?
(Farts)
- Oh!
- Oh, god! I feel so much better!
- You are a gross man!
- Mm, smell that baby!
- That's a winner!
- You're disgusting! What do I see in you?
Who else could give you odorama? (Laughs)
Jerk!
(Clattering)
Hey, I think I hear something out there.
- Please, not again.
- No, no. Shh! Really.
Really. Just...
(Thud)
See? I told you.
What do you think it is?
I don't know.
Probablyjust a raccoon or something.
- I'll go outside and...
- Don't go out there.
Hey! You think a raccoon can defeat
your great ratliff?
No way!
Anyway... you don't want them...
To stick that garbage...
All over... your front lawn...
Cos then everyone will find out about us.
(Laughs)
- I'll be right back.
- You'd better be.
Be careful.
(Distant dog barks)
- Miaow!
- (Clatter)
- Oh, Lynn!
- (Laughing) It's me.
It's me, I'm sorry. Are you ok?
What the hell are you...?
I missed you.
Yeah, you missed me.
I almost got a heart attack out here.
- You ok?
- Ok, the sound's nothing.
- No raccoon. Let's go back in.
- Let's go back in.
Definitely. Right away.
- You almost scared the hell outta me.
- I'm sorry.
(Heavy breathing)
(Laughing)
(Birdsong)
Hello. You're Mike pryor, aren't you?
Right.
I hear you caused quite a stir last night.
Well, I really don't think
it's any of your business.
Anything or anybody
that causes a commotion
around this campus is my business.
- It's all bullshit.
- What's the matter with you?
Where do you come off
talking like that, huh?
Why don't you go hand out parking tickets
and leave me alone?
- Stick to something you know about!
- Something I know about?
Listen...
My daughter was about your age.
Then she met a guy like you.
Now she's dead.
Well, I'm sorry,
but that doesn't change the way I feel.
Or anything else.
(Laughter)
- They always do.
- Oh, yeah, fast. Very fast.
Shh!
- What?
- Nothing!
Do you remember two years ago
when one of the hidden things
- was coach kimble's jockstrap?
- Oh, yes!
And Sally got caught in his house
trying to find it!
Do you think she was lying
when she said he wanted her to put it on?
If that dirty old man said that to me,
I'd end what's left
of his sex life real quick!
Speaking of sex,
what's Teddy doing tonight?
I don't know. Said something about
going to the hunt with maniac.
- He's been giving me problems lately.
- He doesn't deserve you, Lynn.
You're too nice.
He just takes advantage of it.
- Such are the ways of men!
- Some men.
If I were you, I'd keep an eye on him.
Hey, Teddy's all right.
- Just needs a little time to grow up.
- (Sheila laughs)
There's only one part of Teddy ratliff
that's going to grow,
and we all know what part that is!
- Sheila!
- (All laugh)
(J' Barney whistling to the radio)
Finally!
That burger's naked.
Nutter! Hey, what's with maniac, huh?
Ugh. Leslie dumped on him.
And now she's taken up
with the president of delta fi.
You know, it's not enough
that the school tries to screw you.
Everybody else has to screw around
with everybody else.
Hm, watch out.
You're gonna turn into a cynic!
Maybe. Sometimes I think
Lynn's the only loyal person left.
Ah, I know what you mean, I know.
I see it all the time.
Girls jumping from one bed to another bed,
they drive guys crazy.
Lynn is a really nice girl.
There's not too many of 'em
around anymore.
Thank god for that!
- See ya later, sweetheart!
- Get outta here!
(Honks horn)
(J' bluegrass playing)
Say, Mac, how do you want to handle
security on the scavenger hunt?
No problem. Take the night off.
I'll prowl the campus myself.
It'll be quiet.
Ok, see you Monday. Thanks.
This is wdbx, the scavenger hunt station
on old gold weekend.
'Now for some more music.
'Here comes Tommy James & the shondells
with some "hanky panky". '
j my baby does the hanky panky
j yeah, my baby does the hanky panky
j my baby does the hanky panky
j my baby does the hanky panky
j hey, my baby does the hanky panky
"look back inside your box..."
- (Laughter)
- What are you doing in there?
How long are you gonna be studying
for that biology test?
I can't believe you remembered.
- Well, till about 12:30.
- Good time.
- I'll see ya later, then.
- You're crazy!
- You're never gonna get in the dorm.
- Hey, I got in here, didn't I?
(Laughs)
- I've gotta go. See you later.
- Wait...
- What are you doing?
- Uh... nothing.
Ok. Stop the walls from moving,
buckle your seatbelts and here we go!
We've hidden 36 items on campus
and I'll give you six clues an hour
until six o'clock.
At 6:30, a representative
from each sorority and fraternity
has to be at the station
with all the items they've collected.
'The team with the most items
is the winner
'and gets a vacation for two
at the club Caribbean'
of your choice with a friend of your
choice or any stranger you may pick up.
'The runners-up will get a motorcycle
'with a special rack on the back to carry
three cases of schaefer for the weekend,
'courtesy of Phil's body shop,
'where they take the dents out
of your heap without it costing you a pile.
'A 50-lbs. Sack of wheatgerm
from Louie's groceries.
'A certificate good for new heels
and soles for a pair of boots from jc's.
'God knows,
most of us could use some "soul".
'A complete set of works of Khalil gibran
from campus books.
'Ten pounds of nails
from friendly hardware.
'Three mobil no-pest strips and
a gallon of gas from hal's service station.
'So, get ready and let's get going.'
here's clue number one,
"I help keep your gums strong,
"and I'm hiding in a place
a vegetable might be tried."
'Did you get that one?
"'I'm good for your gums and I'm hiding
in a place a vegetable might be tried..."'
it's a little nub. Just a little nub!
I got more. You want some more?
Shall we do two?
Let's do two!
Ok. Now wait, be serious.
"A place where vegetables
might be tried."
Get tried?
- Tried in a court?
- Yeah? What?
- (Laughing) No! I don't know!
- It's too difficult.
- (Screams) I got it! I got it!
- What? What? What? What?
A vegetable court is a squash court.
- Yeah!
- Yeah! Yeah!
Fonnard!
(Both yelling nonsense)
What an asshole! Waaaaa!
(Crash, clatter)
J yummy, yummy, yummy
I got love in my tummy...
- Who's been messing with my lists?
- 'Not me, man, I haven't seen them.'
I don't know. Maybe I spilled
something from a soda.
I think you're the only noodle on campus
who'd even know what a squash court is.
No! Let's check it out.
I'm sticking with the dining halls.
I'm gonna check them out.
All right.
You go down to the dining halls
and I'm going down to the gym.
- All right. Meet back here?
- Ok. Meet back here.
- 20 minutes?
- 20 minutes.
- Captain, request to synchronize watches.
- Ok.
I don't have a watch.
- (Laughs)
- I think we're sunk before we start.
- Ok, let's go.
- Can you count to 20?
Just count very slowly,
then come back here. I'll see you later.
- That's 20 seconds, not 20 minutes.
- Count slow.
- Oh, ok. Bye.
- Bye.
J sweet thing, that ain't no lie
j I love to hold ya...'
- wdbx all night, Charlie kaiser.
- 'This is Rebecca from zeta house.'
'Jimmy! I came to your apartment to look
at an x-rated cassette, not star in one!
'Kaiser, could you repeat the first clue?
I was busy and missed part of it.'
sorry, Rebecca, we can't repeat clues.
You should have a base station listening.
J sweet thing
j yummy, yummy
j sweet thing... j
(Jane singing) J yummy, yummy, yummy
I got love in my tummy
(laughs)
J and it's taking me to find you j
I bet you're in there!
Oh, where are you? Come on!
(Laughs)
J yummy, yummy, yummy j
where are you hiding?
Shhhh!
Oh! Where are you?
I know you're in there! (Laughs)
I'm gonna get ya!
I'm gonna get you!
Oh, wow!
Got my idea for number one?
(Giggles)
Oooh!
Uh, dental floss.
Good for your gums, so yeah. (Laughs)
A vegetable court is a squash court...
(Screams)
Help me!
(Rasping voice) Bitch!
Pay the price, you whore!
You whore!
Hey, it's 12:12 here in westville
and time for clue number two. Here goes.
"I'm object number two
and I keep your airs in place.
"Where everything comes clean,
you can see my face."
(Laughter)
- (Leslie) Lights.
- (Switch clicking)
- Oh, damn! There aren't any lights!
- (Sheila) They don't work.
- Come on, guys.
- (Trish) I don't wanna go in there.
- I really don't.
- (Sheila) C'mon! It'll be great.
- Shh!
- What is it?
- (Sheila) I thought I heard something.
- (Trish) Shit! Don't do that!
(All scream)
(Laughter)
- (Trish) That's not funny.
- (Sheila) Yes, it is!
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is. C'mon!
(Leslie) Let's just check out the machines
and get out of here.
- (Trish) I'd rather be in bed personally.
- You would!
- That makes sense.
- (Laughs)
Right!
- (Crash)
- (Screams)
- Sheila!
- What?
(J' music on radio)
Jane! Where are you?
Hey, we got it.
This has got to be it, a baby carriage.
- What?
- You know "keep your heirs in place".
H-e-i-r-s.
- Heirs!
- Yes! We got one!
I thought he meant "air" like "fresh air".
Jesus!
Hey, get in.
(Trish) Sure, there's no fresh air
in here anyway!
Come on, let's get out of here.
(Sheila) C'mon, c'mon! Let's get out
of here! I wanna get the next clue.
(Trish) It isn't getting any less creepy
in here, you know.
(Heavy breathing)
(No ringtone)
Wdbx, kaiser.
Wdbx, what can I do you for?
(Rasping whisper) Dickie is out
and janey is number one.
(Laughs)
Nice talking to ya.
Janey?
Janey?
Janey?
Hi, Lynn?
- Listen, is janey at the house?
- No, I thought she was with you.
She was, but then we split up to search
and she told me she'd meet me
in ten minutes and she never showed.
Well, are you in the right place?
Maybe she's looking for you.
Maybe. Listen, if you see her, tell her
to meet me at the house at 1:30, ok?
Janey?
- (Door creaking)
- Janey?
(Running water)
Janey?
Janey, are you in there?
(Running water)
(Water off)
(Shower running)
Janey?
Janey? Janey? No!
(Screams)
Splendid!
(I the lovin' spoonful:
"Didn't want to have to do it")
J didn't want to have to do it
j didn't want to have to break your heart
j didn't want to have to do it
(faintly) J I kept a-hoping
from the very start
j but you kept on a-tryin'
j and I knew
that you'd end up a-cryin'
j and I knew
I didn't want to have to do it
j at all
j didn't want to have to do it
j didn't want to have to be
the one to say it
j didn't want to have to do it
j I kept a-hoping there'd be something
to delay it again
j yeah, but then
j no, I didn't want to have to be
the one to say "the end"
j was a time I thought our love could fly
j and never, never fall...
Will you please hand me a towel?
J to be close to each other at all... j
um, you don't have to get dressed
on my account.
You take a lot for granted.
You know if I were to scream,
you would be in a lot of trouble.
You wouldn't do that.
- I'm hardly worth a scream.
- What do you think you're doing here?
Well, I didn't want to stand you up
on our first date.
Oh, our first date. I almost forgot.
So, how's our baseball hero tonight?
Basketball, and who said I was a hero?
As I recall, you did.
At the party?
Oh. Well, we gonna spend the rest
of the evening in the bathroom?
- It's a really nice place you have here.
- Thank you.
Um... mayl...
Offer you a drink?
Sure, but may I offer you some wine?
Uh... sure.
Yeah,
wine is great for those special occasions.
To a wonderful evening.
Now, that remains to be seen, doesn't it?
Listen up, I've had a couple of calls
complaining the clues are too hard.
Sorry, but it wouldn't be any fun
if the clues are easy.
Remember, a new clue coming up soon.
In the meantime, let's warm up this place
with "summer in the city"
by the lovin' spoonful.
(J' track begins)
- Wdbx, kaiser here.
- (Rasping whisper) 'Kathy's number two.
'Who'll be number three?'
j been down, isn't it a pity,
doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city...
(Mimics) This is the kaiser speaking.
Ready for the next hunt clue?
Kaiser, kaiser.
I want it. I want it. I want it.
I need it, I need it, I need it.
Ok, this priceless item
is long and it's soft
and longer when it's hard.
My god! That's what I want.
That's what I want.
All right! Keep tight!
Who knows what you'll sight?
It's now time for clue number eight
and here it is.
"I'm on a beach and I'm a groovy king.
"'Find the right fork
and you can make me sing.
Is there a beach around here anywhere?
I can't think of any.
The only place I can think of is Swanson's
pond, if you call that place a beach.
Um... I don't think
that's what he had in mind.
I don't know, then.
I'll check it out anyway.
I'll check out the lodge
while I'm there, too.
(Phone rings)
Security, macvey.
- Hi, this is Charlie kaiser over at wdbx.
- 'Yeah?'
this may be nothing, but I'm getting some
really strange calls here at the station.
What do you mean strange?
Somebody's been calling up and
saying some pretty off-the-wall things.
- Man or woman?
- That's part of it. I can't tell.
Is it some kind ofjoke?
- You know what it means?
- 'No idea. It's probably nothing.'
but you know, there's something
really creepy about it.
You did right to call.
If you figure out what it means
or if you're getting more calls like that,
get me here quick.
- 'You think something's wrong?'
- Oh, I'm sure it's just some crank.
You seem to bring 'em out, kaiser.
No insult meant.
None taken, Mac.
I know my following.
(Twig snaps)
Benson! I underestimated you.
Could this be love?
Well, if you want me,
you'll have to come and get me.
(Laughs)
Come on!
You must be getting hungry now,
Benson.
(Creaking)
(Giggling)
00:59:54