Grumpier Old Men (1995) Movie Script
I'll be glad when you're dead.
You, rascal, you.
I'll be glad when you're dead.
You, rascal, you.
You know you done me wrong.
You stole my wife and gone...
I'll be glad when you're dead.
You, rascal, you.
I'm gonna kill you just for fun,
you, rascal, you.
I'm gonna kill you just for fun,
you, rascal, you.
I'm gonna kill you just for fun,
the birds can have you when I'm done.
I'll be glad when you're dead.
You, rascal, you.
I'll be glad when you're dead.
You, rascal, you.
Moron.
Putz. Where are they biting?
Pop says that he spotted
Catfish Hunter at Indian Slough.
Catfish Hunter? Maybe this
is the year we catch him.
Where do you get that "we" crap?
Got a mouse in your pocket?
That fish belongs to me.
I'll let you visit him when
he's mounted on my wall.
Honey?
You forgot your Thermos.
Hi, Ariel.
Hi.
Yeah, you messed with my wife,
you, rascal, you...
You messed with my wife...
See you later.
- ... now I'm gonna take your life...
I'll be glad when you're dead.
You, rascal, you.
That's my fish.
I'm gonna kill you just for fun,
you, rascal, you.
I'm gonna kill you just for fun,
you, rascal, you.
I'm gonna kill you just for fun,
the birds can have you when I'm done.
I'll be glad when you're dead.
You, rascal, you.
I'll be glad when you're dead.
You, rascal, you.
That's it.
Come on, just one good bite...
... and I got you!
Oh, damn.
Here comes another man
around third. He will be held up.
And Gustaldo with a double,
and it's a 2 to 1 game.
Hey!
- Hey, dickhead!
Turn that radio down.
You're scaring all the fish away.
Of course, he played
in the Twin Cities...
... before going over to Boston.
- We'll have another look at it.
Turn the damn radio down, will you?
Who put a bug up your ass?
I saw him.
Catfish Hunter?
Right after I dropped anchor, he stuck
his head up over by that log.
He looked at me, smiled,
and swam down into the mud.
He smiled?
Holy moly. How big is he this year?
He's as big as a Buick. I would've
had him if you hadn't shown up.
You couldn't catch
crabs from a $10 hooker.
How is your sister, by the way?
I saw Sven down at the dam.
He's says there's a rumor...
that Rick Ragetti's cousin's
coming to buy Chuck's Bait.
An ltalian running Chuck's?
We'll have the first mob-run
bait shop in Wabasha.
What're you doing?
I was here first.
I got just as much right
to be here as you do.
You got bad luck.
I don't want you infecting my spot.
Find your own fishing hole.
You got a fart in your
brain or something?
And turn that down!
Where you going?
Not far.
What's the matter with that guy?
Getting goofier every year.
You don't have the balls
to take me on anymore!
Ariel's had you neutered!
Let's see what you're made of...
Let that be a lesson to you.
You putz!
All right, you chicken-livered schmeer.
Get outta here!
Isn't it beautiful?
The lava lamp?
The angel.
Ariel says he watches over the house.
Don't get too used to him. Our house
will be ready soon, then we're out of here.
How long have you been up?
For a while.
What have you been doing?
Watching you.
What?
I'm up!
Yes, you are.
Morning.
Go downstairs.
I'll be right out to make you breakfast.
She hates me.
She doesn't hate you.
She just doesn't like you very much.
I thought I'd check out some reception
halls for the wedding.
I talked to Pop.
He's already booked a place.
He did?
That's great.
Did he get the Radisson
in La Crosse?
No.
The Pepin Dance Hall?
That would've been great. But no.
The Majestic Ballroom?
Not even close.
What's left?
Slippery's Tavern.
You're serious.
I know it's not what we wanted.
It's my dream to have it in a bar
with peanut shells on the floor.
It's a tavern.
It's a bar.
I'll call him to cancel. We'll find a place.
Forget it.
Are you sure?
It was my idea to let them
help plan the wedding.
I got to tell you...
... it was a great idea.
It's nice to see them get along.
Amazing how well they're getting along.
Ha!
- Remember "ha"?
You didn't win, I quit. I got better things to do
then dick aroud with you whole day.
Really? What?
We got a wedding to
plan. Remember?
How can I forget?
See you later, John.
See you later, Max.
Hey, Pop.
He's here.
Catfish Hunter?
He's by the sandbar.
You know the damn fish
is older than I am?
Thanks.
What the hell is this?
That's light beer.
I weight 90 goddamn pounds and
you bring me this slopping foam?
Ariel's got me on a diet because
my cholesterol's too high.
Let me tell you something.
Last Thursday I turned 95 years old.
And I never exercised a day in my life.
Every morning, I wake up...
... and I smoke a cigarette.
And then I eat five strips of bacon.
And for lunch I eat a bacon sandwich.
And for a midday snack...
Bacon.
A whole damn plate.
And I usually drink my dinner.
Now, according to all of
them flat-belly experts...
I should've took a dirt
nap, like, 30 years ago.
But each year comes and goes
and I'm still here.
And they keep dying.
You know?
Sometimes I wonder...
... if God forgot about me.
It just goes to show you, huh?
What?
Goes to show you what?
What the hell are you talking about?
You said you drink beer, you eat bacon...
and you smoke cigarettes,
and you outlive the experts.
Yeah?
I thought maybe there's a moral.
No, there ain't no moral.
I just like that story.
That's all.
I like that story.
Good afternoon.
It's good to see you, too.
Aren't you beautiful today?
Are you thirsty?
There we go. Drink up.
Drink up.
That's right.
There we go. There we go. Drink up.
Isn't it a glorious afternoon?
It's not bad.
You okay? Feeling all right?
Splendid. Why?
I couldn't help noticing
you were talking to the flowers.
Plants and flowers are
living organisms and...
... they respond to voice and touch
like any other creature would.
You should try it yourself.
I got a cactus in my bathroom,
but we got nothing to say to each other.
I better get going.
See you.
Max!
- Yes?
Listen, I'm...
Look, I'm cooking Cantonese tonight.
Why don't you join us?
I already made other plans.
Are you sure?
Thanks, anyway.
Appreciate it.
What happens when Bonnie and Clyde
turn out to be Bonnie and Bonnie?
"Lesbian Bandits", next on Geraldo.
Oh, lesbians, yummy.
Wait, it's stuck.
Would you...
Yeah, but I like those.
Can I do this?
You must wait.
Why don't we put everything in?
Throw it all in there.
I need to borrow a Phillips screwdriver.
Hi, Jacob. You been here long?
Phillips....
Hey, pop, don't you think it's time
you start dating again?
Who with?
Florence Gilbert, for example,
thinks you're quite a catch.
She looks like Ernest Borgnine.
Is that such
a bad thing?
What about
Jane Clark?
"Jane of the Jungle."
Got more body hair than I do. She's
a fur bearing mammal, for God's sake.
Doris Zabrinski?
I know she's a little heavy
but she loves to fish.
You get her on the boat...
- Doris Zabrinski...
... is dead.
She is?
She choked to death on a stack
of pancakes two weeks ago...
... at the Lions Club charity breakfast.
Wow.
I think it's how she
would've wanted to go.
Listen to me...
you can't sit around waiting
for another Ariel to walk into your life.
Thanks for the Phillips.
What?
Remember when you were a kid...
your mother baked that
rhubarb pie for my birthday?
She swelled up like a balloon.
Broke out in hives.
She didn't know she was allergic.
She knew.
She baked it anyway because
she knew it was my favorite.
Why'd you think of that?
I don't know.
I think about things like
that all the time.
Are you all right?
Get out and let me watch my program.
And close the door when you go.
I don't want those
mosquitoes in here.
They're crazy about my
macaroni and cheese dish.
Hello?
Anybody here?
Hey, wait a second!
- Chiamate la polizia!
My name is Max Goldman.
- Out! Out!
Relax! Would you relax!
- Out! Out! Maria, presto, presto!
Presto, Maria!
- Mamma, che succedere? Fai, che fai?
Mamma, what are you doing?
I'm gonna whack him!
Put that down!
- He try to steal the vino rosso!
You think everyone is tryin' to
steal the vino rosso!
They are!
This is a small town.
You can trust people here.
Like Antonio?
Next time he touch vino...
I whack his head like a melon!
Holy moly.
I'm so sorry.
Scusi!
My mother is a little bit
too protective of the wine.
So I noticed.
She pressed the grapes
herself back in Palermo.
It's a rare vintage with
a unique... bouquet.
Is that a nice way of saying that
the wine smells like your mama's feet?
No.
My name's Max Goldman.
I live in the area here.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti.
That's quite a name.
You're Spaghetti Ragetti's cousin!
Why so surprised?
Holy moly.
I thought.... I was expecting
someone that looked like Rick.
How's that?
You know, fat, hairy, homely.
But you're not so fat.
You're a smooth talker.
There's more where that
came from, Miss Ragetti.
When is the bait shop
gonna be back in business?
Bait shop?
What's that?
That's what we call it in Minnesota.
What do you call it?
We call it, I think, ristorante.
Ristorante.
Restoranteh?
You mean you're going
to turn this into a restaurant?
No, you can't be serious.
Why not?
There's going to be a lot of
noise and people coming.
Driving with cars.
You'll scare the fish.
This is the land of 10,000 lakes.
Go find another one.
You're wasting your time, I'm telling you.
People are not going to come
down here for ltalian...
when we got a Chuck E.
Cheese in town.
Listen, I don't know
this Cheese person.
But Ragetti's will be a
romantic lakefront ristorante.
It will be special, classy...
... somewhere you
would never go.
You can say that again.
Via, via! There's so much to do before
the opening of my ristorante.
Bait shop.
Ristorante.
Bait-a shoppie.
- Ristorante
Ristorante! Capito!
Hai capito? Ristorante.
You should've let me whack him.
Yeah...
I'm done.
Pop, I wish you'd try
the low-fat bacon.
You can wish in one hand,
and crap in the other...
... and see which gets filled first.
This wagon's got to get filled first.
I'll be back.
Pick me up a pack of Camels.
All right, you got it.
You need a hand with that?
My name's Gustafson.
Il mio nome Francesca Ragetti.
My name is Francesca Ragetti.
Italian girl.
What do you say we go
back to my place?
I'll show you my cannelloni.
How you doing?
Fine.
Ox!
Nag!
Hey, moron.
Putz. Where you been?
I've been looking for you.
What's so important?
That.
Jeez Louise, who is that?
That's Spaghetti Ragetti's cousin.
You mean she's going
to run the bait shop?
Restorantee.
Forget about leaving your boat there.
It's all private property.
Chuck'd be spinning in his
grave if he knew about this.
You can say that again.
I guess there's nothing
much we can do.
You're just going to stand
there and let this happen?
I've been fishing that spot ever since
I'm 5 years old. It's all I got left.
What can I do about it?
We must come up with a plan.
We must find a way to put
the kibosh on all this mess.
Mi lascie in pace.
Leave me alone.
It's okay!
I'm a doctor!
Sounds like Dad's using his "free exam"
trick again.
You got to stick with what works.
Ask Jacob if he can pull some
strings with the city council.
Find out what day this
ristorante has its health inspection.
I think I got an idea.
Good thinking.
Dad!
Max is right. Our fishing
spot'll be totally ruined.
They may as well drain the lake.
Stop moving.
You know the sign she put up?
"Parking for restaurant customers only."
Just a little while longer.
Maybe they'll have a grease fire
in the kitchen.
John!
- A guy can dream, can't he?
You got to let this thing go, honey.
Let it go.
Chuck is gone, the bait shop
is gone, things move on.
I suggest you do the same.
Stop fidgeting.
I don't know why the hell I ever
let you talk me into doing this.
If Max could see me now,
I'd never live it down.
Would you relax?
We're the only ones here.
There's nobody here
except you and me.
What a putz.
Will you look at that poor man?
And then the mama bear said:
"Somebody's been
sleeping in my bed, too."
And finally, the baby bear...
... looked and said, "Somebody's
been sleeping in my bed...
"... and the bastard's still there."
But Goldilocks had a Remington
semi-automatic...
... with a scope and a hair trigger.
That's not the way it goes.
And that was the end...
... of the three bears.
Sing me a lullaby.
It's too late.
Please?
All right. Stars shining
bright above you...
... light breezes seem to
whisper: I love you.
Birds singing in the
sicamore tree...
... dream a little dream of me...
Say nighty night and kiss me,
... just hug me tight and
tell me you miss me.
While stars are shining
bright as can be...
... dream a little dream of me...
Good night, sweet pea.
Good night.
Happy dreams.
That leaves uncle Willy
sitting next to the plant lady.
I'm not sticking the plant lady next to him.
Why not?
Because he's a groper.
He'll be all over her.
He's not a groper.
He's a touchy-feely person.
He's not going to be touchy-feely
with the plant lady.
She's not a close friend. We don't
know her name. "The plant lady."
What the hell is that?
That doesn't mean
she's not important to me.
Fine.
Good.
Honey, don't put the quarter
in your mouth.
You're not my daddy.
What have you got there?
A bacon sandwich.
What are you doing?
Finishing the seating arrangement.
Don't bother.
Max and I already have a plan.
You guys have done
way too much already.
Hello, children.
Moron.
Putz.
You...
... find the rat?
No, but Allie said we can borrow Sparky.
What if he gets away?
I made a leash.
Good thinking.
What do you guys want with Sparky?
Wait.
I don't want to know.
It's men talk.
See you later.
Where's the quarter?
Did you swallow a quarter?
I'll call the doctor.
Relax.
Kids swallow quarters all the time.
Really?
Sure. If she craps out
two dimes and a nickel...
then you can start worrying, huh?
Come here.
...personally clean every little corner.
Just look.
Like a mirror.
Miss Ragetti, everything appears
to be up to our standards.
I'm very glad.
Of course, appearances can be deceiving.
We'll see.
What do you think? Now?
Unleash the beast.
You'll wear a hair net
when you're cooking?
Say: Yes.
Sono tutti ladri! Questi inspector!
Bunch of thieves! These inspectors.
What did she say?
She said: "Yes, sir, of course."
Ingrazito!
Everything seems to be in order.
Act rabid.
Be rabid.
Good luck to you, schmuck.
What?
It's a rat!
A rat? Here?
Vermin infestation!
I'm writing you up.
Wait, wait, it's a...
Come si chiama...
Ma, ne un topo...
It's not a rat, it's a...
mamma, come si chiama...
It's a guinea pig.
It's a guinea pig.
What are the chances that a guinea
pig would run through here...
... on an inspection day?
Well, lately, I must say that
the chances are pretty good.
Ox.
Nag.
I don't think we've met.
I'm Maria Ragetti.
John Gustafson.
You like ltalian, Mr. Gustafson?
Yeah, I guess so. Why?
E, allora...
Buon appetito!
E, arrivederci, boys.
Shall we ask her for
some garlic bread?
Hit the road, Jack
and don't you come back...
... no more, no more,
no more, no more...
Hit the road, Jack
and don't you come back no more.
What you say?
Hit the road, Jack
and don't you come back...
... no more, no more,
no more, no more...
Hit the road, Jack
and don't you come back no more.
Ma, che succe...
What's goin'...
Se t'acchiappo, t'ammazzo, sai!
When I get you, I kill you.
How could I be so wrong?
You have a gift.
Not one customer all day.
I mean, besides him.
More vino, senorita!
You go.
It's your turn.
I put his bib on.
What's the matter, beautiful?
You're meaner than a dog...
... shitting tacks.
We put everything into this place.
We could've retired in Hawaii.
I have been to Hawaii.
Which island?
Come-on-l-wanna-lay-you.
I find you disgusting.
Just as long as you find me, dear.
You want to join me, Ms. Rrrrragetti?
What the hell.
That a girl.
Ding, dong, the witch is dead.
Here's to us.
And to those like us.
Yeah, there's damn few of us left.
That's a damn good thing.
To Chuck.
May his bait shop never die.
Dean Martin singing
"Innamorata".
Mamma!
Get dressed.
We go to town.
Mamma?
When The Moon
hits your eye...
... like a big pizza pie,
that's amore.
When the world seems to shine
like you had too much wine...
... that's amore.
Bells are ring ting-a-ling-a-ling
and you sing: Vita bella.
A goddess on a mountain top...
... was burning like
a silver flame...
The summit of beauty and love.
"Praise the Lord."
And Venus was her name.
Holy moly.
Is this seat taken?
Beware.
The devil is a beautiful
lady in a red dress.
Can I get you
something, ma'am?
Yes, please. It's so hot in here.
Maybe some...
... ice water could cool me down.
Yes, ma'am.
I've been thinking...
... it's such a shame we
got off on the wrong foot.
It's a shame.
I'll bet if we give it
another chance, we could...
... become good friends.
Friends?
Or maybe...
... even more than friends.
Go easy. Go easy, baby.
This feels so much better.
So nice.
So cool.
So nice.
How do you feel?
Friendly, friendly.
I wish I could feel like you do...
... but this silly feud of
ours has got me so upset.
What silly feud?
It's a tiny little ristorante.
You will never even know...
... it's there.
Ristorante...
... never!
You are a stubborn man.
Ragetti's will be a very great success!
You shall see!
Not in my lifetime!
Bah...
You evil temptress!
Maria?
Maria Ragetti?
How do you know
who I am?
You do sort of stand
out in a town like this.
I don't usually dress like this.
You look very nice.
I look like...
... a slut.
But a nice slut.
I want to introduce myself.
My name is Ariel Gustafson.
I want to say how sorry I am for what
Max and John are putting you through.
You know how some people have
trouble saying goodbye?
Believe me, it has nothing
to do with you.
Io non capisco, why do you
say such nice things?
You don't even know me.
Because I know what it's like
to be the new kid in town.
Here comes another one.
Hello, boys.
Honey, how was class?
You two must be happy
with yourselves.
I just ran into Maria and she's in tears.
She thinks everyone hates her.
She's right.
John, I want you to go right
down to Ragetti's and apologize.
Appologize?
- For what?
We were trying to explain to her.
She should've listened to us.
I'll meet you at home, honey.
I always knew you were on a short leash,
but not that you were on a choke collar.
Nobody's in charge at
my house except me.
That's the way to talk, Gustafson.
I'm going home and get this
matter straightened out.
You're the man of the house,
the king of the castle.
Max, top her off?
Long live the king!
She threw me out.
Come on, just for tonight.
- Forget it.
You won't even
know I'm here!
That's cause you
won't be here.
What?
I'm cold.
Here's some matches.
Set yourself on fire.
You got three TVs on.
You're not looking at any of them.
What a pig.
That's my tuna on rye.
I've been looking all over for that.
Where did you find it?
Would you like half?
This milk has chunks in it.
What's your point?
What am I doing?
Next door...
... I've got a beautiful wife,
my own bed...
... and a refrigerator full
of food that hasn't expired.
What're you saying?
I'm going down to
Ragetti's to apologize to Maria.
You traitor! You Benedict Arnold!
Finally.
Never thought he'd last this long.
Smells all right.
Why, all of a sudden, this change of heart?
I had a guilty conscience.
OK, Ariel kicked me
out of the house.
I knew I liked your wife.
What about Max?
Oh, my God, forget it. Max is much
too hardheaded to ever say he's sorry.
He's proud.
Of what?
I don't know. He has a strong
character, and I admire that.
You admire Max?
You really are from out of town.
Be careful. The grappa is very strong.
You are speaking to a Gustafson.
I can hold my liquor. And this stuff, too.
How long have you been married?
Six months next week. How about you?
I'm divorced.
I'm sorry.
Antonio was...
uomo terribile.
That sounds bad.
It ain't good.
Oh, jeez.
Enough of that.
I don't want to bore you.
Mr. Gustafson?
Ecco qua... Buona notte!
There... good night.
Sogni d'oro.
Sweet dreams.
Good night, Ariel.
Bon giorno, signora.
Buona sera.
Bona sera.
Buona sera, signore.
Bona sera, signore.
Arrivederci.
Yo, hoe, there, ma!
Rivedercio!
Arrivederci, signorina.
Arrivederci, signorina.
Buona sera, signore.
Pa!
Hey, Jacob. How are you?
Thanks for the Phillips.
Listen....
Melanie and I wanted to
thank you and John...
Melanie and I just wanted
you and John to know...
... how much we appreciate all the help
you've given us with the wedding.
No need to thank me.
Yes, but...
Nothing would make us happier
than to see you tying the knot.
Thanks.
And it means a great deal
to me to be a part of it.
I'm proud of you.
Studying up on your ltalian?
Thinking of wooing Maria?
No, I'm going to curse at her in
her own language, that's all.
I think she's a lesbian anyway.
How would you know?
You've never seen a lesbian.
Did, too. Saw them on Geraldo.
Say what you will. I think
you got the hots for her.
Not in a million years. She's
just a pigheaded ltalian witch...
... with piss and vinegar
running through her veins.
He's in love.
O, sole mio.
Ariel, bon giorno.
Oh, buon giorno. Lei parla italiano
molto bene, signor.
Grazias, fraulein.
Where're you off to?
Sven saw Catfish Hunter at lndian Slough.
Thought I'd go look.
Oh, yah, where's Tweedledum?
Tweedledum? Oh, John, John...
Tweedledum...
... I don't know.
You don't know? He didn't
spend the night here?
No, last night he said he was going
to Ragetti's to apologize to Maria.
You mean to tell me he didn't come home?
He's alive.
Take these.
What happened?
You passed out.
I didn't think you should drive home.
I feel like a polka band
is playing in my head.
You'll feel better after a hot shower.
But I don't really need a hot shower.
What if he had an accident?
The only accident he's going
to have is when I see him.
I'm sure there's a logical
explanation for all this.
It must be nice, living in never-never land.
Maybe I'll visit you sometime
when I need a break from reality.
Step on it.
He's going to explain everything...
... and I'll listen carefully...
... and then I'm gonna kill him.
I'm sure there's a logical explanation.
Where is he?
We know he's in here! Where is he?
- Don't try to deny it!
You don't understand.
I want to talk to him now.
Well, let me explain!
What's going on here?
Nothing happened.
Where's John?
Wait a minute!
How could you?
This isn't what it looks like.
Gustafson, you're doing it again!
What are you talking about?
First it was May! Then it was Ariel!
And now it's Maria!
Watch that damn thing.
You said you hated Maria.
That's not the point!
You're the one who said
I should apologize.
Apologize, yes. Not sleep with her.
There is a difference.
Do you think I had sex
with your husband?
You sure weren't having
sex with me.
Why should I have sex with you?
You just said you hated me!
He said I hated you!
I never said I hated you!
Actually, I've grown quite fond of you!
So now I'm supposed to have
sex with you instead of him!
So you admit you slept
with my husband!
Nobody slept with anybody.
Finalmente!
Speak for yourself.
Geez... I had a little too much
to drink last night.
Sure. Blame it on the booze.
You think that's an acceptable
excuse for what you did?
Are you gonna let me finish?
Ferme tutti!
I know my Maria. She don't want
nothing to do with that man.
How do you know that?
Because!
She wants that man!
Me?
What do you want with me?
Preferisco bacciare il culo di un alce.
I'd rather kiss a moose's butt!
What is that suppose to mean?
"I'd rather kiss a dead
moose's butt! "
So, I'll call you?
Three tiers like this.
The lemon cake with the white frosting
and the yellow flowers. You like?
It's perfect, Lina.
It's exactly what we wanted.
And now...
... for the big surprise.
What surprise?
We don't want surprises.
John thought of this one all by himself.
The groom goes here.
And the bride...
... goes on top, like this.
And then this goes here.
And then on top of the
cake, in the frosting...
... we spell out:
"Melanie has landed
herself another husband."
This is not good.
Maria
I just met a girl
named Maria...
And suddenly I see...
... she's not the bitch...
... I thought she'd be...
Ox.
Nag.
I didn't know you
were a fisherman.
There's a lot you don't
know about me.
Any luck?
Holy moly!
I showed you mine,
now you show me yours.
You mean the fish.
O, com' piccolo!
So tiny!
It ain't the size that matters.
Are we still talking about your fish?
Very funny.
You know, Maria...
I've lived here all my life.
Nobody knows about this place any
more than I do. I know everything.
I could take you around sometime...
... if you would like it.
Are you asking me on a date?
Hell, no.
But if I were, and I'm not, mind you!
What would you say?
If I were to accept, and
I'm not saying I would....
Because I haven't asked you.
I would say....
What would you say?
Maybe.
Maybe? What kind of
an answer is "Maybe"?
Maybe's maybe.
Then maybe I'll stop by
at 7:00 tonight.
Maybe I'll cook something
nice for you in the kitchen.
I'll see you then.
Maybe.
Ciao.
Ciao.
Whatever that means.
What do you think, mama?
Mi piacce quello.
- Ti piacce questo?
Don't you think it would
make me look fat?
You should be so picky.
He's got the face of a mackerel.
Antonio, the face of an
angel and look where he got me.
How many times do you have
to get your heart broken?
Max is different, mama.
He makes me laugh.
I don't like this. Not one bit.
But it's just a date. I'm not marrying him.
Not yet.
"Not yet."
Mama, ey...
Are you sure you like
the white better?
S!
- "S!"
Definitely the blue.
Oh, boy, I'm a little nervous.
Oh, come on.
Just be yourself. You'll be fine.
Why don't you pick up a bottle of wine
on the way? She'll appreciate it.
Check.
And don't forget. Compliment
her on how great she looks.
Already got that covered.
- Let me hear it.
Maria, there may be lots
of fish in the sea...
... but you're the only one I would
like to mount over my fireplace.
That's not...bad.
You notice the sexual innuendo?
I did.
Subliminal messages.
It's how you get people to do what
you want without them knowing it.
Where'd you learn that?
- Geraldo.
Oh, boy.
Very nice.
I went to Nate's Auto Body Shop.
Had all the seats refinished.
It's authentic imitation leather.
Go get them, tiger.
You got nothing to worry about.
He's doomed.
There are many fish
in the sea, Maria...
... but you're the only one
I want to mount over my fireplace.
You're the only one....
Holy moly.
Good evening, Maria.
Good evening.
You look nice.
Thank you.
I just want to say....
What I'm trying to say is....
There are many women
floating in the river...
... but you're the only
one I want to stuff...
... and stick over...
... on my wall...
... over the fireplace.
Thank you so much.
Would you like to come in?
Please.
I didn't say it right.
I've never seen wine that
comes from a box before.
It's pretty fancy, huh?
Look, it's even got it's own tap.
Look at this. Here. You got it?
Madonna!
S, s, s, s.
It's real wine.
-That's great.
So, how do you like the old place?
It's changed.
Is that good or bad?
It's the worst.
I hate change.
Why?
Things never change
for the better.
Change brought me
here to Wabasha.
Are you saying you
wish I hadn't come?
Is that a trick question?
You see?
Now the weather
has changed.
So much for dining alfresco.
Holy moly.
I'm all wet.
It's really coming down.
You know, the night
crawlers'll be out soon.
What's a night crawler?
What are you, a communist?
No...
Night crawler's the king of all worms.
They come out at night,
after the rain, to lay out across the grass.
Breathe the night air.
This restaurant is sitting on top of
one of the biggest and best worm beds...
in all of Wabasha County.
You can imagine my excitement.
Honey, stop worrying.
Max will be just fine.
I hope so.
I may have given him
some bad advice earlier.
What'd you say?
I told him....
I told him...
... to just be himself.
You said what?
Don't shine the light on them.
They zip back into their holes.
So I should....
Like this?
Up, down. Yeah.
You know...
... that worms have both...
... male and female sexual organs?
No, I didn't know that.
It's true.
You know a lot about worms, Max.
I don't know that much.
You do.
Every once in a while I pick up a tip.
That's it. Good.
There's one.
There.
Quietly now.
What should I do?
- Tiptoe over.
And then suddenly,
reach down and grab him.
When you get near him, grab him.
You all right, Maria?
You scared every worm away
for a radius of five miles.
I'm sorry.
What?
You have a very beautiful smile.
Would it be all right if I kissed you?
Yes.
I haven't been with a man for a long time.
Me neither.
Be gentle.
Mamma mia.
Holy moly.
Morning, Mr. Gustafson.
I don't believe it.
You and that beautiful lady?
I am the thief of hearts.
I am the gangster of love.
Tell me, was it more
of a holdup than a stickup?
Never mind that.
Even your infantile penis jokes seem
charming and witty this morning, sir.
Okay, Lothario, we got to get to
the Oktoberfest to meet the kids.
Asa munu kuku lulu.
I think I liked you better
before you were getting any.
Hi, dear.
- Hi, dad.
What's going on?
We got a surprise for you.
No more surprises.
Attention!
In just eight days...
... these two happy kids
will be husband and wife!
My dear friends...
Max and John...
... have asked me...
... Handsome Hans...
... to be their music man!
Let's celebrate the young lovers'
nuptials with the Chicken Polka!
Come on, you're gonna love this.
I'm in the Twilight Zone.
Another one of your
father's great ideas.
Your father booked
our reception hall.
Handsome Hans will fit right
in at Slippery's Bar.
It's a tavern.
This is a mistake.
Right. We'll get a DJ. This is crazy.
That's not what I meant.
I want to get married.
If you're not sure, tell me.
I'm just not sure.
You tell me this now?
We're a week away from the wedding.
Jacob, I love you.
You just don't want to marry me.
No, that's not it!
I think we should take our time.
I've been taking my time. How does
waiting since the second grade grab you?
Would you stop it!
It's like you are
already married.
Polka!
Honey.
I know what I'm talking about.
Really? Then how come you're
the one that's divorced?
Honey?
The wedding's off.
What do you mean?
We already paid for everything!
Honey?
What happened?
What happened? I'll tell you.
Your daughter got cold feet.
My ass. Your son insulted her.
Everything he said was true.
Maybe she can't handle the truth!
She can't? What is the truth, Max?
Her first marriage was a flop.
That was Mike's fault. You know that.
She couldn't keep Mike happy.
How can she keep Jacob happy?
That's a lousy thing....
My daughter wouldn't marry your son
if he was the last man in Wabasha.
Fine with me. I was against
the whole thing from the start.
That goes double for me.
Then it's off!
Everything is off!
The wedding is off and
the friendship is off.
And the gloves are off.
Let the games begin.
Come on, baby.
Come to Papa.
Yes, that a boy.
That's it.
What the hell is....
Oh, damn you, Goldman!
What a putz.
Here's your card.
That's it for you?
- That'll do it.
Have a nice day.
Thanks. Same to you.
Max!
You, bastard!
You dance very well.
Thank you.
I got this for you.
Hope you don't mind.
It's a cubic zirconia.
Got it from the Home
Shopping Network.
It's so beautiful.
Let me help you.
See how it looks?
Just put that like that.
You don't like it?
No, it's beautiful. It's just....
Just what?
I don't know.
Things are moving so fast.
What's wrong with fast?
I like fast.
I didn't plan on meeting somebody
like you when I came to Wabasha.
But you're happy, huh?
Yes, but that is
what worries me.
What do you mean?
I don't know what I'm talking about.
It's beautiful.
Thank you.
Thank you, Max.
Okay, Slick, sharpen those claws.
Get out of there.
Holy moly.
You just...
... kissed your ninth
life goodbye, Slick!
This one is very sweet.
That one, with the big tongue
and brown eyes, is great.
This one?
This one?
Yes, one eye.
No nuts.
You mean Lucky.
You don't want him.
I'll take him.
Here, Lucky.
He's cute.
Good morning, Slick.
What a nice kitty cat.
Yes, you are.
And I see you've crapped
on my newspaper again.
Would you like to make a
new friend this morning?
Lucky!
Kill Slick!
Lucky!
Kill Slick!
Everything's under control.
How do you like that, you putz?
Why you dirty....
I'll kill you.
You ruined my refinished seats.
You broadcast my naked
ass to half of Wabasha!
Big deal! Take that, you vandal!
You nearly killed my cat!
That mangy animal's been
crapping on my paper for years!
Give me that pole!
That pole?
That's it.
If my dog was as ugly as you...
I'd shave his ass and
teach him to walk backwards!
That trick doesn't work with me.
Time out. Where are you going?
Home. You can call me when
this stupid war is over!
She left me.
Are you surprised?
There we are.
So good.
Now...
... you wanna put in...
... just a pinch of salt.
Damn it.
But not too much.
Now you tell me.
Not too salty.
Shut up.
There we are. Add some garnish here.
Time to look at the birds.
The bird.
Fire!
Fire!
I got a fire here!
Absolutely perfect. Anybody
can make these. It's simple.
What're you doing?
I'm trying to cook a gourmet dinner...
... for Maria.
Look at this.
- She'll be impressed.
Tell her it's Cajun.
And what do you call this?
Haven't decided.
But I'm leaning toward "Mystery Stew."
Is that right?
Not to be a pessimist,
but maybe you need a backup plan.
What else can you make?
Jelly sandwiches.
- Get cracking.
I used to love jelly
sandwiches with peanut butter.
You did, too, when you were a kid.
Go over and tell her you're sorry.
I tried to. She won't even talk to me.
Not that I blame her.
You spend too much time
with this Max Goldman.
I like him, mama. A lot.
He'll break your heart, like the others.
No, this time it's different.
You said Fernando was different,
and look what happened.
I was a girl, mama!
And then there was Eduardo, the drunk.
That was a long time ago.
Marcello, the womanizer,
was not that long ago.
I'm not listening.
And next came Carlo, the con man.
Are you finished?
- I wish I were!
But then I would be
forgetting Antonio!
All five I warn you against...
... and all five you marry!
You are a good girl...
... but you are cursed in love.
That isn't true.
For once, Maria, listen to your mama.
Do you care for him?
Yes.
Then leave him be.
What a day this has been!
What a rare mood I'm in...
Why, it's almost like
being in love.
There's a smile on my face
for the whole human race.
Why, it's almost like
being in love.
All the music of life
seems to be
... like a bell that is
ringing for me.
And from the way that I feel
when that bell starts to peal...
I would swear I was falling...
I could swear I was falling
Why, it's almost like
being in love!
Hey, pop!
Well, I've really done it this time.
I've really screwed up.
Jake and Melanie
have called off the marriage.
Jake's moved in with Max, Max
and I are at it again...
Ariel's moved back into her house
with Melanie. What am I going to do?
Huh?
Pop?
Pop?
Looks like God
remembered you, pop.
I'm sorry.
Hey, moron.
Hello, putz.
Mind if I join you?
No, help yourself.
I knew your old man longer
than I knew my own.
He was always
very fond of you, Max.
He was a good man.
The best.
You know I didn't mean
what I said about Melanie the other day.
You know how I really feel about Jacob.
He's a good boy.
I just don't want him to be lonely.
He deserves better.
He deserves Melanie.
What do you want to do?
Wanna get drunk?
Yeah.
Come on, Grandpa John, hurry.
I'm coming. But you already
got enough candy in this bag...
... to give the whole
neighborhood cavities.
What'll you do to ensure six months
from now you feel happier...
... and more loved than you do today?
The truth is, if you don't do something...
... nothing in life will change.
Stop the insanity!
From the most beautiful
place in the world...
...comes the most exotic tanning
product in the world...
... Hawaiian Tropic.
Natural oils, tropical fruits...
... flora, nuts and
protective sunscreens.
A complete sun-care line
created by one man, Ron Rice...
...for one reason.
What are you feeding
this dog?
Hormel chili.
He likes it.
Trick or treat.
Trick or treat, I forgot. Just plain forgot.
Hiya, kids.
Here's your coaster.
And there's a stapler for you.
Open your bag. That's it. Good shot.
Happy Halloween.
Hi, Uncle Max.
Who's that? Allie?
Hi, Allie.
Is Allie here? Look at you.
Let me hear a polar bear growl.
Happy Halloween there, putzo.
How'd you know it's me?
You wear the same costume every
Christmas or whatever this....
... Halloween.
Hey, you. How's your mom doing?
Okay. Want to come over?
Yeah, you want to go
over and just say hi, Jacob?
She'd probably throw me
out the moment she saw me.
Max, I think I got an idea.
Trick or treat!
Hey, you!
How did we do tonight?
Uncle Max gave me a can opener
and a bunch of laundry detergent.
He did?
Yes, he did.
I'm going to bed.
Don't you want to watch the scary movie?
I said, I'm going to bed!
What has gotten into her?
You look great.
You look ridiculous.
Needed to see you again...
... to tell you how sorry
I was for the way I acted.
I just thought I couldn't be
happy unless we were married...
... and I realize now...
I just want you in my life.
That's all I want.
And if we ever do get married...
... I promise...
... we'll use a professional
wedding coordinator.
You look terrific.
They're watching us.
No, they're not.
No, they're not. Yes, they are.
Let's celebrate.
Beers are on me.
I'd love to, but I've got someone
very special waiting for me.
If you had half a brain, you
could have the same thing.
She dumped me.
Would you park that stupid
pride of yours just once?
You might surprise yourself.
I must speak to Maria!
Put down that bat.
She don't want to see you.
I ain't leaving here until I see Maria!
At last...
I get to whack him!
Mama, please. Please.
Maria, we need to talk.
There's nothing to talk about.
At least give me an explanation.
I think I deserve that much.
Yes, you're right.
I must tell you something.
I have been married before.
To Antonio, I know.
But also to Fernando.
And Carlo.
And Eduardo.
And Marcello.
Holy moly.
You've been married five times?
So, now you understand?
Mother is right.
I'm cursed in love.
Wait! Wait!
Will you wait, please?
I don't know what happened
with those other guys, but...
...let me tell you
something about me.
I know I'm no great prize, but I'm loyal...
... I'm honest...
... and I know how
to treat a lady.
Anybody says any different doesn't
know her ass from her elbow.
Look, I got a week's worth
of leftovers at the house...
... so if you care to join me for some
Mystery Stew and jelly sandwiches...
... I would be indeed honored.
That sounds wonderful.
You must really like jelly sandwiches.
Trs magnifique, Max.
Thank you.
We're running a bit behind.
Meet you at church.
Don't be late!
Isn't that Sven over there?
You look like you've
seen a ghost.
Biggest fish I ever seen.
Catfish Hunter, yeah.
I fought the beast...
... for an hour...
... and I had him.
Right up into the boat.
And then...
... he smiled.
Smiled?
- See?
He bit the pole in half.
Holy moly.
If I hadn't moved my
hand at the last moment.
Judas Priest.
That was the...
... biggest damn fish that...
... I ever seen.
Don't even think of it.
My boat is beached not more
than 100 yards from here.
We'll give it 10 minutes. After that,
we pull anchor, go to the church.
What if today is the day,
and we miss him?
Someone else could catch him...
... some stranger with our fish
mounted on his wall.
It's too horrible to think about.
Let's go.
What do you mean?
We've still got more time.
That fish'll be halfway to
Red Wing by now. Let's go.
Five more minutes.
We'll be late!
Weddings never start on time!
What's wrong? Why are you worried?
I'm going.
You must swim back.
Where're you going?
Don't touch my motor!
Will you sit down, John,
for crying out loud!
Five more minutes!
Just sit there for a minute
and shut up.
Moron.
- Putz.
Holy Jesus, Max.
Look, look.
Easy, easy.
Don't worry.
Look at him go.
Now he'll stop.
And now...
... I'm going to...
That's Catfish Hunter. It's got to be.
I think I pissed him off!
Hang on, Max, I think
we're going for a ride.
Hang on.
I can't believe it's a fish.
Maybe it's not a fish!
Maybe it's something
from outer space!
Keep the tip up!
The tip is up.
- Tighten the drag!
He better be dead. That's
the only excuse I'll accept.
Work him!
I'm working him, dummy.
Pump him! Tip up!
The tip is up, you idiot!
You're right, it's not an important day.
No reason to be here.
Hang on.
Drop the anchor.
You cut the anchor, putz!
Then grab the net.
You cut the net, too, you dickhead.
Here. Look.
Forget the net!
Just give me a hand, will you?
The only thing you ever caught
in your life was a virus.
Put your gloves on.
I'll show you how to do it.
Here's the way you do it.
Now, watch.
Grab him!
Crime in ltaly.
Holy moly! My God!
Look at this thing.
Holy moly!
Get his tail.
I got it.
Now!
Is that the most beautiful
thing you've ever seen?
If I die today...
... I die a happy man.
You die today, I'm
taking your motor.
Max, just let him go.
Are you out of your mind?
Dad tried to catch
that fish for 20 years.
Catfish Hunter deserves to
be in the lake with pop.
Gustafson, you are one sick bastard.
Good boy.
Goodbye, Catfish.
The wedding!
What time is it?
We got another wedding at 3:00.
We'll make it by then.
3:00.
Get me to the church on time.
Don't sing that.
Move it!
What're you doing?
Okay, just a little bit longer.
- No, Jacob, that's it for me. I'm done.
That's it. I've played, now.
How long have I played?
Do you see my hands.
- Stay here. Just keep playing.
I'll play one more time.
Wedding!
We're here!
Wait!
We're here!
Wait, we're here!
We're here!
Why the boots?
I'll explain later.
Explain now. Where have you been?
I've held this up for hours.
See what we missed?
Thank God we eloped.
You got the ring?
My son-in-law has got
the face of a mackerel.
Ox.
Nag.
We are gathered here today...
... to join Maxwell Goldman...
and Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti...
... in holy matrimony.
Be sure to watch Lucky for us.
I'll miss that ugly mug of his.
Don't worry, you'll see
him before you know it.
I'll miss your ugly mug, too.
God bless you, sir.
Let go of my hand.
I'm very busy.
What's that smell?
What smell?
What a moron.
What do you say we
go back to my place...
and I'll show you
my spicy, peppy pepperoni?
What do you say we go
back to my house...
... and I'll show you my
man-sized manicotti?
Beautiful.
I'm the gangster of love.
I am the Lothario of hearts.
I don't know where I am.
Get in the car, Max.
I can't. I farted and I'm afraid to move.
What the hell is her name?
Ariel?
What's her name again?
Maria.
She left me.
You're surprised?
You don't even know her name.
Hey, dickhead!
I'm stuck.
I've been to Hawaii.
Which island?
I-kinda-like-to-poke-you.
You-like-a-licky-dicky.
I'm-a-kinda-kinky.
Want-a-peek-a-pee-pee?
Some stranger could catch our fish.
Some schmuck with his fish...
... and my fish and your
fish up on the...wall....
Get another actor. Please.
She's nothing but a
pigheaded ltalian with....
Go one more from the top, and a
little bit more out of breath.
If I was more out of breath, I'd be dead.
You're still a putz.
That's my line!
You will never even
know it's there.
I love you.
He's a criminal.
Should the veil be up?
Ox!
Jesus Christ!
Why the... don't you
look where you're going?
Why don't you come to my place?
I'll show you my beefy baloney.
How would you like my
bony macaroni?
Or my fatty Alfredo?
Or my hard salami?
I got them all.
Italian and lyrics
added by Njua.
You, rascal, you.
I'll be glad when you're dead.
You, rascal, you.
You know you done me wrong.
You stole my wife and gone...
I'll be glad when you're dead.
You, rascal, you.
I'm gonna kill you just for fun,
you, rascal, you.
I'm gonna kill you just for fun,
you, rascal, you.
I'm gonna kill you just for fun,
the birds can have you when I'm done.
I'll be glad when you're dead.
You, rascal, you.
I'll be glad when you're dead.
You, rascal, you.
Moron.
Putz. Where are they biting?
Pop says that he spotted
Catfish Hunter at Indian Slough.
Catfish Hunter? Maybe this
is the year we catch him.
Where do you get that "we" crap?
Got a mouse in your pocket?
That fish belongs to me.
I'll let you visit him when
he's mounted on my wall.
Honey?
You forgot your Thermos.
Hi, Ariel.
Hi.
Yeah, you messed with my wife,
you, rascal, you...
You messed with my wife...
See you later.
- ... now I'm gonna take your life...
I'll be glad when you're dead.
You, rascal, you.
That's my fish.
I'm gonna kill you just for fun,
you, rascal, you.
I'm gonna kill you just for fun,
you, rascal, you.
I'm gonna kill you just for fun,
the birds can have you when I'm done.
I'll be glad when you're dead.
You, rascal, you.
I'll be glad when you're dead.
You, rascal, you.
That's it.
Come on, just one good bite...
... and I got you!
Oh, damn.
Here comes another man
around third. He will be held up.
And Gustaldo with a double,
and it's a 2 to 1 game.
Hey!
- Hey, dickhead!
Turn that radio down.
You're scaring all the fish away.
Of course, he played
in the Twin Cities...
... before going over to Boston.
- We'll have another look at it.
Turn the damn radio down, will you?
Who put a bug up your ass?
I saw him.
Catfish Hunter?
Right after I dropped anchor, he stuck
his head up over by that log.
He looked at me, smiled,
and swam down into the mud.
He smiled?
Holy moly. How big is he this year?
He's as big as a Buick. I would've
had him if you hadn't shown up.
You couldn't catch
crabs from a $10 hooker.
How is your sister, by the way?
I saw Sven down at the dam.
He's says there's a rumor...
that Rick Ragetti's cousin's
coming to buy Chuck's Bait.
An ltalian running Chuck's?
We'll have the first mob-run
bait shop in Wabasha.
What're you doing?
I was here first.
I got just as much right
to be here as you do.
You got bad luck.
I don't want you infecting my spot.
Find your own fishing hole.
You got a fart in your
brain or something?
And turn that down!
Where you going?
Not far.
What's the matter with that guy?
Getting goofier every year.
You don't have the balls
to take me on anymore!
Ariel's had you neutered!
Let's see what you're made of...
Let that be a lesson to you.
You putz!
All right, you chicken-livered schmeer.
Get outta here!
Isn't it beautiful?
The lava lamp?
The angel.
Ariel says he watches over the house.
Don't get too used to him. Our house
will be ready soon, then we're out of here.
How long have you been up?
For a while.
What have you been doing?
Watching you.
What?
I'm up!
Yes, you are.
Morning.
Go downstairs.
I'll be right out to make you breakfast.
She hates me.
She doesn't hate you.
She just doesn't like you very much.
I thought I'd check out some reception
halls for the wedding.
I talked to Pop.
He's already booked a place.
He did?
That's great.
Did he get the Radisson
in La Crosse?
No.
The Pepin Dance Hall?
That would've been great. But no.
The Majestic Ballroom?
Not even close.
What's left?
Slippery's Tavern.
You're serious.
I know it's not what we wanted.
It's my dream to have it in a bar
with peanut shells on the floor.
It's a tavern.
It's a bar.
I'll call him to cancel. We'll find a place.
Forget it.
Are you sure?
It was my idea to let them
help plan the wedding.
I got to tell you...
... it was a great idea.
It's nice to see them get along.
Amazing how well they're getting along.
Ha!
- Remember "ha"?
You didn't win, I quit. I got better things to do
then dick aroud with you whole day.
Really? What?
We got a wedding to
plan. Remember?
How can I forget?
See you later, John.
See you later, Max.
Hey, Pop.
He's here.
Catfish Hunter?
He's by the sandbar.
You know the damn fish
is older than I am?
Thanks.
What the hell is this?
That's light beer.
I weight 90 goddamn pounds and
you bring me this slopping foam?
Ariel's got me on a diet because
my cholesterol's too high.
Let me tell you something.
Last Thursday I turned 95 years old.
And I never exercised a day in my life.
Every morning, I wake up...
... and I smoke a cigarette.
And then I eat five strips of bacon.
And for lunch I eat a bacon sandwich.
And for a midday snack...
Bacon.
A whole damn plate.
And I usually drink my dinner.
Now, according to all of
them flat-belly experts...
I should've took a dirt
nap, like, 30 years ago.
But each year comes and goes
and I'm still here.
And they keep dying.
You know?
Sometimes I wonder...
... if God forgot about me.
It just goes to show you, huh?
What?
Goes to show you what?
What the hell are you talking about?
You said you drink beer, you eat bacon...
and you smoke cigarettes,
and you outlive the experts.
Yeah?
I thought maybe there's a moral.
No, there ain't no moral.
I just like that story.
That's all.
I like that story.
Good afternoon.
It's good to see you, too.
Aren't you beautiful today?
Are you thirsty?
There we go. Drink up.
Drink up.
That's right.
There we go. There we go. Drink up.
Isn't it a glorious afternoon?
It's not bad.
You okay? Feeling all right?
Splendid. Why?
I couldn't help noticing
you were talking to the flowers.
Plants and flowers are
living organisms and...
... they respond to voice and touch
like any other creature would.
You should try it yourself.
I got a cactus in my bathroom,
but we got nothing to say to each other.
I better get going.
See you.
Max!
- Yes?
Listen, I'm...
Look, I'm cooking Cantonese tonight.
Why don't you join us?
I already made other plans.
Are you sure?
Thanks, anyway.
Appreciate it.
What happens when Bonnie and Clyde
turn out to be Bonnie and Bonnie?
"Lesbian Bandits", next on Geraldo.
Oh, lesbians, yummy.
Wait, it's stuck.
Would you...
Yeah, but I like those.
Can I do this?
You must wait.
Why don't we put everything in?
Throw it all in there.
I need to borrow a Phillips screwdriver.
Hi, Jacob. You been here long?
Phillips....
Hey, pop, don't you think it's time
you start dating again?
Who with?
Florence Gilbert, for example,
thinks you're quite a catch.
She looks like Ernest Borgnine.
Is that such
a bad thing?
What about
Jane Clark?
"Jane of the Jungle."
Got more body hair than I do. She's
a fur bearing mammal, for God's sake.
Doris Zabrinski?
I know she's a little heavy
but she loves to fish.
You get her on the boat...
- Doris Zabrinski...
... is dead.
She is?
She choked to death on a stack
of pancakes two weeks ago...
... at the Lions Club charity breakfast.
Wow.
I think it's how she
would've wanted to go.
Listen to me...
you can't sit around waiting
for another Ariel to walk into your life.
Thanks for the Phillips.
What?
Remember when you were a kid...
your mother baked that
rhubarb pie for my birthday?
She swelled up like a balloon.
Broke out in hives.
She didn't know she was allergic.
She knew.
She baked it anyway because
she knew it was my favorite.
Why'd you think of that?
I don't know.
I think about things like
that all the time.
Are you all right?
Get out and let me watch my program.
And close the door when you go.
I don't want those
mosquitoes in here.
They're crazy about my
macaroni and cheese dish.
Hello?
Anybody here?
Hey, wait a second!
- Chiamate la polizia!
My name is Max Goldman.
- Out! Out!
Relax! Would you relax!
- Out! Out! Maria, presto, presto!
Presto, Maria!
- Mamma, che succedere? Fai, che fai?
Mamma, what are you doing?
I'm gonna whack him!
Put that down!
- He try to steal the vino rosso!
You think everyone is tryin' to
steal the vino rosso!
They are!
This is a small town.
You can trust people here.
Like Antonio?
Next time he touch vino...
I whack his head like a melon!
Holy moly.
I'm so sorry.
Scusi!
My mother is a little bit
too protective of the wine.
So I noticed.
She pressed the grapes
herself back in Palermo.
It's a rare vintage with
a unique... bouquet.
Is that a nice way of saying that
the wine smells like your mama's feet?
No.
My name's Max Goldman.
I live in the area here.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti.
That's quite a name.
You're Spaghetti Ragetti's cousin!
Why so surprised?
Holy moly.
I thought.... I was expecting
someone that looked like Rick.
How's that?
You know, fat, hairy, homely.
But you're not so fat.
You're a smooth talker.
There's more where that
came from, Miss Ragetti.
When is the bait shop
gonna be back in business?
Bait shop?
What's that?
That's what we call it in Minnesota.
What do you call it?
We call it, I think, ristorante.
Ristorante.
Restoranteh?
You mean you're going
to turn this into a restaurant?
No, you can't be serious.
Why not?
There's going to be a lot of
noise and people coming.
Driving with cars.
You'll scare the fish.
This is the land of 10,000 lakes.
Go find another one.
You're wasting your time, I'm telling you.
People are not going to come
down here for ltalian...
when we got a Chuck E.
Cheese in town.
Listen, I don't know
this Cheese person.
But Ragetti's will be a
romantic lakefront ristorante.
It will be special, classy...
... somewhere you
would never go.
You can say that again.
Via, via! There's so much to do before
the opening of my ristorante.
Bait shop.
Ristorante.
Bait-a shoppie.
- Ristorante
Ristorante! Capito!
Hai capito? Ristorante.
You should've let me whack him.
Yeah...
I'm done.
Pop, I wish you'd try
the low-fat bacon.
You can wish in one hand,
and crap in the other...
... and see which gets filled first.
This wagon's got to get filled first.
I'll be back.
Pick me up a pack of Camels.
All right, you got it.
You need a hand with that?
My name's Gustafson.
Il mio nome Francesca Ragetti.
My name is Francesca Ragetti.
Italian girl.
What do you say we go
back to my place?
I'll show you my cannelloni.
How you doing?
Fine.
Ox!
Nag!
Hey, moron.
Putz. Where you been?
I've been looking for you.
What's so important?
That.
Jeez Louise, who is that?
That's Spaghetti Ragetti's cousin.
You mean she's going
to run the bait shop?
Restorantee.
Forget about leaving your boat there.
It's all private property.
Chuck'd be spinning in his
grave if he knew about this.
You can say that again.
I guess there's nothing
much we can do.
You're just going to stand
there and let this happen?
I've been fishing that spot ever since
I'm 5 years old. It's all I got left.
What can I do about it?
We must come up with a plan.
We must find a way to put
the kibosh on all this mess.
Mi lascie in pace.
Leave me alone.
It's okay!
I'm a doctor!
Sounds like Dad's using his "free exam"
trick again.
You got to stick with what works.
Ask Jacob if he can pull some
strings with the city council.
Find out what day this
ristorante has its health inspection.
I think I got an idea.
Good thinking.
Dad!
Max is right. Our fishing
spot'll be totally ruined.
They may as well drain the lake.
Stop moving.
You know the sign she put up?
"Parking for restaurant customers only."
Just a little while longer.
Maybe they'll have a grease fire
in the kitchen.
John!
- A guy can dream, can't he?
You got to let this thing go, honey.
Let it go.
Chuck is gone, the bait shop
is gone, things move on.
I suggest you do the same.
Stop fidgeting.
I don't know why the hell I ever
let you talk me into doing this.
If Max could see me now,
I'd never live it down.
Would you relax?
We're the only ones here.
There's nobody here
except you and me.
What a putz.
Will you look at that poor man?
And then the mama bear said:
"Somebody's been
sleeping in my bed, too."
And finally, the baby bear...
... looked and said, "Somebody's
been sleeping in my bed...
"... and the bastard's still there."
But Goldilocks had a Remington
semi-automatic...
... with a scope and a hair trigger.
That's not the way it goes.
And that was the end...
... of the three bears.
Sing me a lullaby.
It's too late.
Please?
All right. Stars shining
bright above you...
... light breezes seem to
whisper: I love you.
Birds singing in the
sicamore tree...
... dream a little dream of me...
Say nighty night and kiss me,
... just hug me tight and
tell me you miss me.
While stars are shining
bright as can be...
... dream a little dream of me...
Good night, sweet pea.
Good night.
Happy dreams.
That leaves uncle Willy
sitting next to the plant lady.
I'm not sticking the plant lady next to him.
Why not?
Because he's a groper.
He'll be all over her.
He's not a groper.
He's a touchy-feely person.
He's not going to be touchy-feely
with the plant lady.
She's not a close friend. We don't
know her name. "The plant lady."
What the hell is that?
That doesn't mean
she's not important to me.
Fine.
Good.
Honey, don't put the quarter
in your mouth.
You're not my daddy.
What have you got there?
A bacon sandwich.
What are you doing?
Finishing the seating arrangement.
Don't bother.
Max and I already have a plan.
You guys have done
way too much already.
Hello, children.
Moron.
Putz.
You...
... find the rat?
No, but Allie said we can borrow Sparky.
What if he gets away?
I made a leash.
Good thinking.
What do you guys want with Sparky?
Wait.
I don't want to know.
It's men talk.
See you later.
Where's the quarter?
Did you swallow a quarter?
I'll call the doctor.
Relax.
Kids swallow quarters all the time.
Really?
Sure. If she craps out
two dimes and a nickel...
then you can start worrying, huh?
Come here.
...personally clean every little corner.
Just look.
Like a mirror.
Miss Ragetti, everything appears
to be up to our standards.
I'm very glad.
Of course, appearances can be deceiving.
We'll see.
What do you think? Now?
Unleash the beast.
You'll wear a hair net
when you're cooking?
Say: Yes.
Sono tutti ladri! Questi inspector!
Bunch of thieves! These inspectors.
What did she say?
She said: "Yes, sir, of course."
Ingrazito!
Everything seems to be in order.
Act rabid.
Be rabid.
Good luck to you, schmuck.
What?
It's a rat!
A rat? Here?
Vermin infestation!
I'm writing you up.
Wait, wait, it's a...
Come si chiama...
Ma, ne un topo...
It's not a rat, it's a...
mamma, come si chiama...
It's a guinea pig.
It's a guinea pig.
What are the chances that a guinea
pig would run through here...
... on an inspection day?
Well, lately, I must say that
the chances are pretty good.
Ox.
Nag.
I don't think we've met.
I'm Maria Ragetti.
John Gustafson.
You like ltalian, Mr. Gustafson?
Yeah, I guess so. Why?
E, allora...
Buon appetito!
E, arrivederci, boys.
Shall we ask her for
some garlic bread?
Hit the road, Jack
and don't you come back...
... no more, no more,
no more, no more...
Hit the road, Jack
and don't you come back no more.
What you say?
Hit the road, Jack
and don't you come back...
... no more, no more,
no more, no more...
Hit the road, Jack
and don't you come back no more.
Ma, che succe...
What's goin'...
Se t'acchiappo, t'ammazzo, sai!
When I get you, I kill you.
How could I be so wrong?
You have a gift.
Not one customer all day.
I mean, besides him.
More vino, senorita!
You go.
It's your turn.
I put his bib on.
What's the matter, beautiful?
You're meaner than a dog...
... shitting tacks.
We put everything into this place.
We could've retired in Hawaii.
I have been to Hawaii.
Which island?
Come-on-l-wanna-lay-you.
I find you disgusting.
Just as long as you find me, dear.
You want to join me, Ms. Rrrrragetti?
What the hell.
That a girl.
Ding, dong, the witch is dead.
Here's to us.
And to those like us.
Yeah, there's damn few of us left.
That's a damn good thing.
To Chuck.
May his bait shop never die.
Dean Martin singing
"Innamorata".
Mamma!
Get dressed.
We go to town.
Mamma?
When The Moon
hits your eye...
... like a big pizza pie,
that's amore.
When the world seems to shine
like you had too much wine...
... that's amore.
Bells are ring ting-a-ling-a-ling
and you sing: Vita bella.
A goddess on a mountain top...
... was burning like
a silver flame...
The summit of beauty and love.
"Praise the Lord."
And Venus was her name.
Holy moly.
Is this seat taken?
Beware.
The devil is a beautiful
lady in a red dress.
Can I get you
something, ma'am?
Yes, please. It's so hot in here.
Maybe some...
... ice water could cool me down.
Yes, ma'am.
I've been thinking...
... it's such a shame we
got off on the wrong foot.
It's a shame.
I'll bet if we give it
another chance, we could...
... become good friends.
Friends?
Or maybe...
... even more than friends.
Go easy. Go easy, baby.
This feels so much better.
So nice.
So cool.
So nice.
How do you feel?
Friendly, friendly.
I wish I could feel like you do...
... but this silly feud of
ours has got me so upset.
What silly feud?
It's a tiny little ristorante.
You will never even know...
... it's there.
Ristorante...
... never!
You are a stubborn man.
Ragetti's will be a very great success!
You shall see!
Not in my lifetime!
Bah...
You evil temptress!
Maria?
Maria Ragetti?
How do you know
who I am?
You do sort of stand
out in a town like this.
I don't usually dress like this.
You look very nice.
I look like...
... a slut.
But a nice slut.
I want to introduce myself.
My name is Ariel Gustafson.
I want to say how sorry I am for what
Max and John are putting you through.
You know how some people have
trouble saying goodbye?
Believe me, it has nothing
to do with you.
Io non capisco, why do you
say such nice things?
You don't even know me.
Because I know what it's like
to be the new kid in town.
Here comes another one.
Hello, boys.
Honey, how was class?
You two must be happy
with yourselves.
I just ran into Maria and she's in tears.
She thinks everyone hates her.
She's right.
John, I want you to go right
down to Ragetti's and apologize.
Appologize?
- For what?
We were trying to explain to her.
She should've listened to us.
I'll meet you at home, honey.
I always knew you were on a short leash,
but not that you were on a choke collar.
Nobody's in charge at
my house except me.
That's the way to talk, Gustafson.
I'm going home and get this
matter straightened out.
You're the man of the house,
the king of the castle.
Max, top her off?
Long live the king!
She threw me out.
Come on, just for tonight.
- Forget it.
You won't even
know I'm here!
That's cause you
won't be here.
What?
I'm cold.
Here's some matches.
Set yourself on fire.
You got three TVs on.
You're not looking at any of them.
What a pig.
That's my tuna on rye.
I've been looking all over for that.
Where did you find it?
Would you like half?
This milk has chunks in it.
What's your point?
What am I doing?
Next door...
... I've got a beautiful wife,
my own bed...
... and a refrigerator full
of food that hasn't expired.
What're you saying?
I'm going down to
Ragetti's to apologize to Maria.
You traitor! You Benedict Arnold!
Finally.
Never thought he'd last this long.
Smells all right.
Why, all of a sudden, this change of heart?
I had a guilty conscience.
OK, Ariel kicked me
out of the house.
I knew I liked your wife.
What about Max?
Oh, my God, forget it. Max is much
too hardheaded to ever say he's sorry.
He's proud.
Of what?
I don't know. He has a strong
character, and I admire that.
You admire Max?
You really are from out of town.
Be careful. The grappa is very strong.
You are speaking to a Gustafson.
I can hold my liquor. And this stuff, too.
How long have you been married?
Six months next week. How about you?
I'm divorced.
I'm sorry.
Antonio was...
uomo terribile.
That sounds bad.
It ain't good.
Oh, jeez.
Enough of that.
I don't want to bore you.
Mr. Gustafson?
Ecco qua... Buona notte!
There... good night.
Sogni d'oro.
Sweet dreams.
Good night, Ariel.
Bon giorno, signora.
Buona sera.
Bona sera.
Buona sera, signore.
Bona sera, signore.
Arrivederci.
Yo, hoe, there, ma!
Rivedercio!
Arrivederci, signorina.
Arrivederci, signorina.
Buona sera, signore.
Pa!
Hey, Jacob. How are you?
Thanks for the Phillips.
Listen....
Melanie and I wanted to
thank you and John...
Melanie and I just wanted
you and John to know...
... how much we appreciate all the help
you've given us with the wedding.
No need to thank me.
Yes, but...
Nothing would make us happier
than to see you tying the knot.
Thanks.
And it means a great deal
to me to be a part of it.
I'm proud of you.
Studying up on your ltalian?
Thinking of wooing Maria?
No, I'm going to curse at her in
her own language, that's all.
I think she's a lesbian anyway.
How would you know?
You've never seen a lesbian.
Did, too. Saw them on Geraldo.
Say what you will. I think
you got the hots for her.
Not in a million years. She's
just a pigheaded ltalian witch...
... with piss and vinegar
running through her veins.
He's in love.
O, sole mio.
Ariel, bon giorno.
Oh, buon giorno. Lei parla italiano
molto bene, signor.
Grazias, fraulein.
Where're you off to?
Sven saw Catfish Hunter at lndian Slough.
Thought I'd go look.
Oh, yah, where's Tweedledum?
Tweedledum? Oh, John, John...
Tweedledum...
... I don't know.
You don't know? He didn't
spend the night here?
No, last night he said he was going
to Ragetti's to apologize to Maria.
You mean to tell me he didn't come home?
He's alive.
Take these.
What happened?
You passed out.
I didn't think you should drive home.
I feel like a polka band
is playing in my head.
You'll feel better after a hot shower.
But I don't really need a hot shower.
What if he had an accident?
The only accident he's going
to have is when I see him.
I'm sure there's a logical
explanation for all this.
It must be nice, living in never-never land.
Maybe I'll visit you sometime
when I need a break from reality.
Step on it.
He's going to explain everything...
... and I'll listen carefully...
... and then I'm gonna kill him.
I'm sure there's a logical explanation.
Where is he?
We know he's in here! Where is he?
- Don't try to deny it!
You don't understand.
I want to talk to him now.
Well, let me explain!
What's going on here?
Nothing happened.
Where's John?
Wait a minute!
How could you?
This isn't what it looks like.
Gustafson, you're doing it again!
What are you talking about?
First it was May! Then it was Ariel!
And now it's Maria!
Watch that damn thing.
You said you hated Maria.
That's not the point!
You're the one who said
I should apologize.
Apologize, yes. Not sleep with her.
There is a difference.
Do you think I had sex
with your husband?
You sure weren't having
sex with me.
Why should I have sex with you?
You just said you hated me!
He said I hated you!
I never said I hated you!
Actually, I've grown quite fond of you!
So now I'm supposed to have
sex with you instead of him!
So you admit you slept
with my husband!
Nobody slept with anybody.
Finalmente!
Speak for yourself.
Geez... I had a little too much
to drink last night.
Sure. Blame it on the booze.
You think that's an acceptable
excuse for what you did?
Are you gonna let me finish?
Ferme tutti!
I know my Maria. She don't want
nothing to do with that man.
How do you know that?
Because!
She wants that man!
Me?
What do you want with me?
Preferisco bacciare il culo di un alce.
I'd rather kiss a moose's butt!
What is that suppose to mean?
"I'd rather kiss a dead
moose's butt! "
So, I'll call you?
Three tiers like this.
The lemon cake with the white frosting
and the yellow flowers. You like?
It's perfect, Lina.
It's exactly what we wanted.
And now...
... for the big surprise.
What surprise?
We don't want surprises.
John thought of this one all by himself.
The groom goes here.
And the bride...
... goes on top, like this.
And then this goes here.
And then on top of the
cake, in the frosting...
... we spell out:
"Melanie has landed
herself another husband."
This is not good.
Maria
I just met a girl
named Maria...
And suddenly I see...
... she's not the bitch...
... I thought she'd be...
Ox.
Nag.
I didn't know you
were a fisherman.
There's a lot you don't
know about me.
Any luck?
Holy moly!
I showed you mine,
now you show me yours.
You mean the fish.
O, com' piccolo!
So tiny!
It ain't the size that matters.
Are we still talking about your fish?
Very funny.
You know, Maria...
I've lived here all my life.
Nobody knows about this place any
more than I do. I know everything.
I could take you around sometime...
... if you would like it.
Are you asking me on a date?
Hell, no.
But if I were, and I'm not, mind you!
What would you say?
If I were to accept, and
I'm not saying I would....
Because I haven't asked you.
I would say....
What would you say?
Maybe.
Maybe? What kind of
an answer is "Maybe"?
Maybe's maybe.
Then maybe I'll stop by
at 7:00 tonight.
Maybe I'll cook something
nice for you in the kitchen.
I'll see you then.
Maybe.
Ciao.
Ciao.
Whatever that means.
What do you think, mama?
Mi piacce quello.
- Ti piacce questo?
Don't you think it would
make me look fat?
You should be so picky.
He's got the face of a mackerel.
Antonio, the face of an
angel and look where he got me.
How many times do you have
to get your heart broken?
Max is different, mama.
He makes me laugh.
I don't like this. Not one bit.
But it's just a date. I'm not marrying him.
Not yet.
"Not yet."
Mama, ey...
Are you sure you like
the white better?
S!
- "S!"
Definitely the blue.
Oh, boy, I'm a little nervous.
Oh, come on.
Just be yourself. You'll be fine.
Why don't you pick up a bottle of wine
on the way? She'll appreciate it.
Check.
And don't forget. Compliment
her on how great she looks.
Already got that covered.
- Let me hear it.
Maria, there may be lots
of fish in the sea...
... but you're the only one I would
like to mount over my fireplace.
That's not...bad.
You notice the sexual innuendo?
I did.
Subliminal messages.
It's how you get people to do what
you want without them knowing it.
Where'd you learn that?
- Geraldo.
Oh, boy.
Very nice.
I went to Nate's Auto Body Shop.
Had all the seats refinished.
It's authentic imitation leather.
Go get them, tiger.
You got nothing to worry about.
He's doomed.
There are many fish
in the sea, Maria...
... but you're the only one
I want to mount over my fireplace.
You're the only one....
Holy moly.
Good evening, Maria.
Good evening.
You look nice.
Thank you.
I just want to say....
What I'm trying to say is....
There are many women
floating in the river...
... but you're the only
one I want to stuff...
... and stick over...
... on my wall...
... over the fireplace.
Thank you so much.
Would you like to come in?
Please.
I didn't say it right.
I've never seen wine that
comes from a box before.
It's pretty fancy, huh?
Look, it's even got it's own tap.
Look at this. Here. You got it?
Madonna!
S, s, s, s.
It's real wine.
-That's great.
So, how do you like the old place?
It's changed.
Is that good or bad?
It's the worst.
I hate change.
Why?
Things never change
for the better.
Change brought me
here to Wabasha.
Are you saying you
wish I hadn't come?
Is that a trick question?
You see?
Now the weather
has changed.
So much for dining alfresco.
Holy moly.
I'm all wet.
It's really coming down.
You know, the night
crawlers'll be out soon.
What's a night crawler?
What are you, a communist?
No...
Night crawler's the king of all worms.
They come out at night,
after the rain, to lay out across the grass.
Breathe the night air.
This restaurant is sitting on top of
one of the biggest and best worm beds...
in all of Wabasha County.
You can imagine my excitement.
Honey, stop worrying.
Max will be just fine.
I hope so.
I may have given him
some bad advice earlier.
What'd you say?
I told him....
I told him...
... to just be himself.
You said what?
Don't shine the light on them.
They zip back into their holes.
So I should....
Like this?
Up, down. Yeah.
You know...
... that worms have both...
... male and female sexual organs?
No, I didn't know that.
It's true.
You know a lot about worms, Max.
I don't know that much.
You do.
Every once in a while I pick up a tip.
That's it. Good.
There's one.
There.
Quietly now.
What should I do?
- Tiptoe over.
And then suddenly,
reach down and grab him.
When you get near him, grab him.
You all right, Maria?
You scared every worm away
for a radius of five miles.
I'm sorry.
What?
You have a very beautiful smile.
Would it be all right if I kissed you?
Yes.
I haven't been with a man for a long time.
Me neither.
Be gentle.
Mamma mia.
Holy moly.
Morning, Mr. Gustafson.
I don't believe it.
You and that beautiful lady?
I am the thief of hearts.
I am the gangster of love.
Tell me, was it more
of a holdup than a stickup?
Never mind that.
Even your infantile penis jokes seem
charming and witty this morning, sir.
Okay, Lothario, we got to get to
the Oktoberfest to meet the kids.
Asa munu kuku lulu.
I think I liked you better
before you were getting any.
Hi, dear.
- Hi, dad.
What's going on?
We got a surprise for you.
No more surprises.
Attention!
In just eight days...
... these two happy kids
will be husband and wife!
My dear friends...
Max and John...
... have asked me...
... Handsome Hans...
... to be their music man!
Let's celebrate the young lovers'
nuptials with the Chicken Polka!
Come on, you're gonna love this.
I'm in the Twilight Zone.
Another one of your
father's great ideas.
Your father booked
our reception hall.
Handsome Hans will fit right
in at Slippery's Bar.
It's a tavern.
This is a mistake.
Right. We'll get a DJ. This is crazy.
That's not what I meant.
I want to get married.
If you're not sure, tell me.
I'm just not sure.
You tell me this now?
We're a week away from the wedding.
Jacob, I love you.
You just don't want to marry me.
No, that's not it!
I think we should take our time.
I've been taking my time. How does
waiting since the second grade grab you?
Would you stop it!
It's like you are
already married.
Polka!
Honey.
I know what I'm talking about.
Really? Then how come you're
the one that's divorced?
Honey?
The wedding's off.
What do you mean?
We already paid for everything!
Honey?
What happened?
What happened? I'll tell you.
Your daughter got cold feet.
My ass. Your son insulted her.
Everything he said was true.
Maybe she can't handle the truth!
She can't? What is the truth, Max?
Her first marriage was a flop.
That was Mike's fault. You know that.
She couldn't keep Mike happy.
How can she keep Jacob happy?
That's a lousy thing....
My daughter wouldn't marry your son
if he was the last man in Wabasha.
Fine with me. I was against
the whole thing from the start.
That goes double for me.
Then it's off!
Everything is off!
The wedding is off and
the friendship is off.
And the gloves are off.
Let the games begin.
Come on, baby.
Come to Papa.
Yes, that a boy.
That's it.
What the hell is....
Oh, damn you, Goldman!
What a putz.
Here's your card.
That's it for you?
- That'll do it.
Have a nice day.
Thanks. Same to you.
Max!
You, bastard!
You dance very well.
Thank you.
I got this for you.
Hope you don't mind.
It's a cubic zirconia.
Got it from the Home
Shopping Network.
It's so beautiful.
Let me help you.
See how it looks?
Just put that like that.
You don't like it?
No, it's beautiful. It's just....
Just what?
I don't know.
Things are moving so fast.
What's wrong with fast?
I like fast.
I didn't plan on meeting somebody
like you when I came to Wabasha.
But you're happy, huh?
Yes, but that is
what worries me.
What do you mean?
I don't know what I'm talking about.
It's beautiful.
Thank you.
Thank you, Max.
Okay, Slick, sharpen those claws.
Get out of there.
Holy moly.
You just...
... kissed your ninth
life goodbye, Slick!
This one is very sweet.
That one, with the big tongue
and brown eyes, is great.
This one?
This one?
Yes, one eye.
No nuts.
You mean Lucky.
You don't want him.
I'll take him.
Here, Lucky.
He's cute.
Good morning, Slick.
What a nice kitty cat.
Yes, you are.
And I see you've crapped
on my newspaper again.
Would you like to make a
new friend this morning?
Lucky!
Kill Slick!
Lucky!
Kill Slick!
Everything's under control.
How do you like that, you putz?
Why you dirty....
I'll kill you.
You ruined my refinished seats.
You broadcast my naked
ass to half of Wabasha!
Big deal! Take that, you vandal!
You nearly killed my cat!
That mangy animal's been
crapping on my paper for years!
Give me that pole!
That pole?
That's it.
If my dog was as ugly as you...
I'd shave his ass and
teach him to walk backwards!
That trick doesn't work with me.
Time out. Where are you going?
Home. You can call me when
this stupid war is over!
She left me.
Are you surprised?
There we are.
So good.
Now...
... you wanna put in...
... just a pinch of salt.
Damn it.
But not too much.
Now you tell me.
Not too salty.
Shut up.
There we are. Add some garnish here.
Time to look at the birds.
The bird.
Fire!
Fire!
I got a fire here!
Absolutely perfect. Anybody
can make these. It's simple.
What're you doing?
I'm trying to cook a gourmet dinner...
... for Maria.
Look at this.
- She'll be impressed.
Tell her it's Cajun.
And what do you call this?
Haven't decided.
But I'm leaning toward "Mystery Stew."
Is that right?
Not to be a pessimist,
but maybe you need a backup plan.
What else can you make?
Jelly sandwiches.
- Get cracking.
I used to love jelly
sandwiches with peanut butter.
You did, too, when you were a kid.
Go over and tell her you're sorry.
I tried to. She won't even talk to me.
Not that I blame her.
You spend too much time
with this Max Goldman.
I like him, mama. A lot.
He'll break your heart, like the others.
No, this time it's different.
You said Fernando was different,
and look what happened.
I was a girl, mama!
And then there was Eduardo, the drunk.
That was a long time ago.
Marcello, the womanizer,
was not that long ago.
I'm not listening.
And next came Carlo, the con man.
Are you finished?
- I wish I were!
But then I would be
forgetting Antonio!
All five I warn you against...
... and all five you marry!
You are a good girl...
... but you are cursed in love.
That isn't true.
For once, Maria, listen to your mama.
Do you care for him?
Yes.
Then leave him be.
What a day this has been!
What a rare mood I'm in...
Why, it's almost like
being in love.
There's a smile on my face
for the whole human race.
Why, it's almost like
being in love.
All the music of life
seems to be
... like a bell that is
ringing for me.
And from the way that I feel
when that bell starts to peal...
I would swear I was falling...
I could swear I was falling
Why, it's almost like
being in love!
Hey, pop!
Well, I've really done it this time.
I've really screwed up.
Jake and Melanie
have called off the marriage.
Jake's moved in with Max, Max
and I are at it again...
Ariel's moved back into her house
with Melanie. What am I going to do?
Huh?
Pop?
Pop?
Looks like God
remembered you, pop.
I'm sorry.
Hey, moron.
Hello, putz.
Mind if I join you?
No, help yourself.
I knew your old man longer
than I knew my own.
He was always
very fond of you, Max.
He was a good man.
The best.
You know I didn't mean
what I said about Melanie the other day.
You know how I really feel about Jacob.
He's a good boy.
I just don't want him to be lonely.
He deserves better.
He deserves Melanie.
What do you want to do?
Wanna get drunk?
Yeah.
Come on, Grandpa John, hurry.
I'm coming. But you already
got enough candy in this bag...
... to give the whole
neighborhood cavities.
What'll you do to ensure six months
from now you feel happier...
... and more loved than you do today?
The truth is, if you don't do something...
... nothing in life will change.
Stop the insanity!
From the most beautiful
place in the world...
...comes the most exotic tanning
product in the world...
... Hawaiian Tropic.
Natural oils, tropical fruits...
... flora, nuts and
protective sunscreens.
A complete sun-care line
created by one man, Ron Rice...
...for one reason.
What are you feeding
this dog?
Hormel chili.
He likes it.
Trick or treat.
Trick or treat, I forgot. Just plain forgot.
Hiya, kids.
Here's your coaster.
And there's a stapler for you.
Open your bag. That's it. Good shot.
Happy Halloween.
Hi, Uncle Max.
Who's that? Allie?
Hi, Allie.
Is Allie here? Look at you.
Let me hear a polar bear growl.
Happy Halloween there, putzo.
How'd you know it's me?
You wear the same costume every
Christmas or whatever this....
... Halloween.
Hey, you. How's your mom doing?
Okay. Want to come over?
Yeah, you want to go
over and just say hi, Jacob?
She'd probably throw me
out the moment she saw me.
Max, I think I got an idea.
Trick or treat!
Hey, you!
How did we do tonight?
Uncle Max gave me a can opener
and a bunch of laundry detergent.
He did?
Yes, he did.
I'm going to bed.
Don't you want to watch the scary movie?
I said, I'm going to bed!
What has gotten into her?
You look great.
You look ridiculous.
Needed to see you again...
... to tell you how sorry
I was for the way I acted.
I just thought I couldn't be
happy unless we were married...
... and I realize now...
I just want you in my life.
That's all I want.
And if we ever do get married...
... I promise...
... we'll use a professional
wedding coordinator.
You look terrific.
They're watching us.
No, they're not.
No, they're not. Yes, they are.
Let's celebrate.
Beers are on me.
I'd love to, but I've got someone
very special waiting for me.
If you had half a brain, you
could have the same thing.
She dumped me.
Would you park that stupid
pride of yours just once?
You might surprise yourself.
I must speak to Maria!
Put down that bat.
She don't want to see you.
I ain't leaving here until I see Maria!
At last...
I get to whack him!
Mama, please. Please.
Maria, we need to talk.
There's nothing to talk about.
At least give me an explanation.
I think I deserve that much.
Yes, you're right.
I must tell you something.
I have been married before.
To Antonio, I know.
But also to Fernando.
And Carlo.
And Eduardo.
And Marcello.
Holy moly.
You've been married five times?
So, now you understand?
Mother is right.
I'm cursed in love.
Wait! Wait!
Will you wait, please?
I don't know what happened
with those other guys, but...
...let me tell you
something about me.
I know I'm no great prize, but I'm loyal...
... I'm honest...
... and I know how
to treat a lady.
Anybody says any different doesn't
know her ass from her elbow.
Look, I got a week's worth
of leftovers at the house...
... so if you care to join me for some
Mystery Stew and jelly sandwiches...
... I would be indeed honored.
That sounds wonderful.
You must really like jelly sandwiches.
Trs magnifique, Max.
Thank you.
We're running a bit behind.
Meet you at church.
Don't be late!
Isn't that Sven over there?
You look like you've
seen a ghost.
Biggest fish I ever seen.
Catfish Hunter, yeah.
I fought the beast...
... for an hour...
... and I had him.
Right up into the boat.
And then...
... he smiled.
Smiled?
- See?
He bit the pole in half.
Holy moly.
If I hadn't moved my
hand at the last moment.
Judas Priest.
That was the...
... biggest damn fish that...
... I ever seen.
Don't even think of it.
My boat is beached not more
than 100 yards from here.
We'll give it 10 minutes. After that,
we pull anchor, go to the church.
What if today is the day,
and we miss him?
Someone else could catch him...
... some stranger with our fish
mounted on his wall.
It's too horrible to think about.
Let's go.
What do you mean?
We've still got more time.
That fish'll be halfway to
Red Wing by now. Let's go.
Five more minutes.
We'll be late!
Weddings never start on time!
What's wrong? Why are you worried?
I'm going.
You must swim back.
Where're you going?
Don't touch my motor!
Will you sit down, John,
for crying out loud!
Five more minutes!
Just sit there for a minute
and shut up.
Moron.
- Putz.
Holy Jesus, Max.
Look, look.
Easy, easy.
Don't worry.
Look at him go.
Now he'll stop.
And now...
... I'm going to...
That's Catfish Hunter. It's got to be.
I think I pissed him off!
Hang on, Max, I think
we're going for a ride.
Hang on.
I can't believe it's a fish.
Maybe it's not a fish!
Maybe it's something
from outer space!
Keep the tip up!
The tip is up.
- Tighten the drag!
He better be dead. That's
the only excuse I'll accept.
Work him!
I'm working him, dummy.
Pump him! Tip up!
The tip is up, you idiot!
You're right, it's not an important day.
No reason to be here.
Hang on.
Drop the anchor.
You cut the anchor, putz!
Then grab the net.
You cut the net, too, you dickhead.
Here. Look.
Forget the net!
Just give me a hand, will you?
The only thing you ever caught
in your life was a virus.
Put your gloves on.
I'll show you how to do it.
Here's the way you do it.
Now, watch.
Grab him!
Crime in ltaly.
Holy moly! My God!
Look at this thing.
Holy moly!
Get his tail.
I got it.
Now!
Is that the most beautiful
thing you've ever seen?
If I die today...
... I die a happy man.
You die today, I'm
taking your motor.
Max, just let him go.
Are you out of your mind?
Dad tried to catch
that fish for 20 years.
Catfish Hunter deserves to
be in the lake with pop.
Gustafson, you are one sick bastard.
Good boy.
Goodbye, Catfish.
The wedding!
What time is it?
We got another wedding at 3:00.
We'll make it by then.
3:00.
Get me to the church on time.
Don't sing that.
Move it!
What're you doing?
Okay, just a little bit longer.
- No, Jacob, that's it for me. I'm done.
That's it. I've played, now.
How long have I played?
Do you see my hands.
- Stay here. Just keep playing.
I'll play one more time.
Wedding!
We're here!
Wait!
We're here!
Wait, we're here!
We're here!
Why the boots?
I'll explain later.
Explain now. Where have you been?
I've held this up for hours.
See what we missed?
Thank God we eloped.
You got the ring?
My son-in-law has got
the face of a mackerel.
Ox.
Nag.
We are gathered here today...
... to join Maxwell Goldman...
and Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti...
... in holy matrimony.
Be sure to watch Lucky for us.
I'll miss that ugly mug of his.
Don't worry, you'll see
him before you know it.
I'll miss your ugly mug, too.
God bless you, sir.
Let go of my hand.
I'm very busy.
What's that smell?
What smell?
What a moron.
What do you say we
go back to my place...
and I'll show you
my spicy, peppy pepperoni?
What do you say we go
back to my house...
... and I'll show you my
man-sized manicotti?
Beautiful.
I'm the gangster of love.
I am the Lothario of hearts.
I don't know where I am.
Get in the car, Max.
I can't. I farted and I'm afraid to move.
What the hell is her name?
Ariel?
What's her name again?
Maria.
She left me.
You're surprised?
You don't even know her name.
Hey, dickhead!
I'm stuck.
I've been to Hawaii.
Which island?
I-kinda-like-to-poke-you.
You-like-a-licky-dicky.
I'm-a-kinda-kinky.
Want-a-peek-a-pee-pee?
Some stranger could catch our fish.
Some schmuck with his fish...
... and my fish and your
fish up on the...wall....
Get another actor. Please.
She's nothing but a
pigheaded ltalian with....
Go one more from the top, and a
little bit more out of breath.
If I was more out of breath, I'd be dead.
You're still a putz.
That's my line!
You will never even
know it's there.
I love you.
He's a criminal.
Should the veil be up?
Ox!
Jesus Christ!
Why the... don't you
look where you're going?
Why don't you come to my place?
I'll show you my beefy baloney.
How would you like my
bony macaroni?
Or my fatty Alfredo?
Or my hard salami?
I got them all.
Italian and lyrics
added by Njua.