Half Baked (1998) Movie Script
- Wait, one
Wait, two
Three
Hey. What's up, everybody ?
l'm Thurgood Jenkins.
You know, it's funny,
but l can trace the entire path
of my life to one childhood memory.
My last clear memory, really.
You see, it was the summer
before ninth grade.
lt was me, Brian, Kenny,
Scarface...
and of course
the loveable Old James.
Oh, hold on. Wait a minute.
Old James-- Old James wasn't there.
l don't even know nobody named
Old James. Shoot. Go on !
- Why don't you
light it up there, brother ?
- All right. Here goes nothin'.
l don't remember graduatin'.
And my first sexual experience--
l don't remember that either.
- But, man, l will never forget
the first time l smoked...
that sweet, sweet chiva.
- Feel anything ?
- Yeah, l feel my chest cavin' in.
- This stuff
didn't even work.
- Man !
Come on. Let's get some candy
and get out of here, B.
l've heard people say
they don't get high
the first time they smoke.
Not me. Oh, not us.
We were really, really high.
We was toe up !
- Do you guys feel different ?
- A little.
How 'bout you, Scarface ?
How you doin', Kenny ? Kenny ?
l haven't been so thirsty
in my entire life.
Do you guys hear that ?
Feels like Jerry Garcia's in my head.
Am l goin' crazy ?
We look at that
day as the day we met the fifth
member of our crew-- marijuana !
- Oh, Lord, we was hooked !
So, now we all live together
in New York.
l myself am a master
of the custodial arts,
or a janitor if you want
to be a dick about it.
Anyway, l work at this lab,
Frankensense and Burr Pharmaceutical.
- They do pharmaceutical testing
for the government...
and big corporations and--
And l am
the happiest custodian alive.
This job... sucks.
Abba-Zabba,
you my only friend.
Ah, it could be worse.
l could have Scarface's job.
- Heifer with cheese.
- You son of a bitch,
l'm right behind you !
Turn around and ask me
for Heifer with cheese, yo !
Why you gotta make me feel inferior
'cause l'm on the grill, B ? Damn !
- Scarface is kind
of a hyper guy for a pothead.
- Sorry.
Kenny is probably doin'
the best out of all of us.
He's a kindergarten teacher
at some school downtown,
which l know might scare a lot
of parents, seeing as how he's
a weedhead and all.
But let me tell you, man,
that guy does wonders for those
children's self-esteem.
- Thank you.
- Oh, l love you so much, little one.
-
- All of you. All of you. lt's so good.
- Brian works
at a new and used record store.
- Hi.
- He gets to talk about music all day.
- l got a used Kenny Loggins album.
Perfect job for a stoner.
Lady, you want seven bucks
for a used Kenny Loggins record ?
- l'll give you five.
- Uh-uh. He autographed it himself.
All right,
l'll give you four.
Jan, stop it, man.
-
- As far as herb goes, you can
get it all over this town.
l mean, they might call it the city that
never sleeps, but l'll tell you this:
- lt takes a lot of fuckin' weed naps.
- Free !
You can get the stuff at little
corner stores called bodegas.
Say it with me:
Yes, very good.
- These places always have
incredibly old products.
- Como esta, fellas ?
- Hey-Hey.
- But the weed ain't bad.
- Let me get four dime bags.
- Uh, l don't have no idea
what you're talking about.
Jose, you crazy, man. He's crazy.
Come on, man. Let me get them dimes.
See, the problem with bodegas
is they never remember you.
-
- You always have to do something
extreme to let 'em know you're cool.
Hey, fellas. Y'all know me.
Come on, now. Look at this.
Hey, black ass. Why you
didn't moon us earlier, eh ?
lt was a little degrading.
lf you desperate, you can get it from
the Rastas at Washington Square Park,
but their stuff ain't even weed
most the time.
l don't fall
for that shit anymore.
Then there's a delivery service run
by a guy named Samson Simpson.
Now, when you can afford it,
this is the best way.
l mean, you can get anything
you want, from weed to heroin.
Now, l don't do drugs, though.
Just weed.
-
- Coming.
See, all you have to do is call
them up, and a half hour later,
you got a delivery guy
at your house.
-
- What a country !
Hi, you called about your plumbing ?
Empty pipes ?
- Secret code.
- Come on in.
- You want highs, mediums or lows ?
- How are the highs, man ?
l say they got a piney taste, almost
minty. Notice the little red hairs.
- Yeah.
- And the rich greenery ?
- l see those.
- And it's definitely the highest
grade hydroponics in the city.
What, did you go
to weed college ? Damn, nigger.
All right.
Give me a 50 bag of that.
- Been a pleasure.
- Pleasure's all mine.
- Tell Samson l said hello, would ya ?
- Sure thing.
Now, everybody has
their own little ritual
when it comes to smokin'.
- Dope has arrived, fellas.
- And we were no different.
- Break out Billy Bong Thornton.
- Yeah.
Whoo !
Billy, good to see you, man.
All right.
Light it up.
Shoes off.
Oh, Brian,
put yours back on, man.
For real, amigo.
Do your sock laundry, yo.
-
-
Gentlemen,
assume your positions.
-
- Yeah.
Fire in the hole.
We found it on the corner
So when we say
- Bip
- Oxygen
- Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm--
- Oh, bip
Th-That's good
- Yo, who's on munchies tonight, yo ?
- Not me.
l guess that'd be me.
What do you guys want ?
Get some...
sour cream and onion chips...
with some dip, man.
Some beef jerky.
Some peanut butter.
Get some Haagen Dazs
ice cream bars. A whole lot.
Make sure chocolate.
Gotta have chocolate, man.
Some popcorn. Bread. Popcorn.
Graham crackers.
Graham crackers with the marshmallows,
the little marshmallows.
And little chocolate bars.
We'll make some smores, man.
Yeah, that's what
l was sayin', yo.
Also celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch
with the little crunch berries.
Pizzas.
We need two big pizzas, man.
Everything on 'em.
With water, whole lot of water.
And... Funyuns.
Yeah.
- That's it ?
- Yeah.
- Anything else ?
- Oh, yeah.
Get me a box of condoms,
and, um, what's that stuff ?
We used to eat it all the time
back in the day.
- Pussy. That's right.
- You got it.
- Thanks, man.
- Hey, hey !
lf l'm not back in ten minutes,
call the police.
lf he ain't back
in ten minutes,
we callin' Domino's.
- l'm hungry, man.
- All right, yo.
-
- Hey, girl.
- You hungry ?
- Fuck you, nigger !
-
- Hey, l'm sorry.
l was talkin' to the horse.
See the trouble
you're gettin' me into ?
You're hungry,
aren't ya ? Here.
You like popcorn.
lt makes your teeth go
pop, pop, pop.
This is Buster Phillips, and coming
in at number eight, like El Nino,
''Samson Gets Me Lifted,'' by my
main man-- Who ? Sir Smoka Lot.
Ha !
This guy is weed crazy.
Look at that.
- What do you want, Master ?
- Bitch, you know what l want.
l wanna talk to Samson
Fly me to the moon like
that bitch Alice Kramden
'Cause it's hard bein'
black and gifted
Sometimes l wanna throw it
all down and get lifted
-
- That is so cool, man.
- He got the same dealer as us.
- What you mean ?
- Samson.
- Oh, right.
Everybody knows in my neighborhood
it's the bestest around
Samson's shit is blessed
Got the whole town on lockdown
That's where
l want to live. Right there.
Think about this shit
please
- l'm all out.
-
l'm all out of food.
You ate it all.
Gee, you must've been
so hungry.
-
- Uh-oh.
Buttercup ! Buttercup !
l need
an ambulance, now ! Officer down.
l repeat:
Officer down !
What the hell
did you give my Buttercup ?
l just gave him some candy
and some chips...
and some pink popcorn
and some Funyuns--
This horse is a diabetic !
Buttercup. Buttercup.
Don't you leave me.
Breathe, Buttercup.
- Breathe.
- Breathe. Breathe.
Why ?
- Why ?
- Why ?
- You're under arrest.
- What ?
- You dumb son of a bitch !
- No !
l'm a-- l'm a peaceful man.
- l'm a schoolteacher !
- Shut up ! You're a cop killer.
Cop killer ?
l love horses.
- l love horses.
- l love horses.
- l love buttered stuff.
- Buttercup.
- Say it.
- Butter nuts.
- Cup. Cup.
- Cup. Cup.
Why must you rage ?
Stop the hate, child.
Bail is set at one million
dollars for the crime of killing
an officer of the law.
And may God have mercy
on your soul, young man.
- Court is adjourned.
-
Back to your cells. Lockdown.
Good night, Fish.
Fish ! Fish ! Fish ! Fish ! Fish !
- My weed's wearing off.
-
- Guess who ?
- Yo. Psst. Thurgood.
-
-
- Hey, nigger, what time is it ?
- lt's 8:30.
Kenny didn't come home last night.
We are worried, man.
- Word, yo.
- Where the hell is he ?
Did he just move ?
Kenny called. He's in jail.
He didn't leave
a number.
Sincerely,
The Guy on the couch.
Come on, guys. We gotta get Kenny
out of jail, man.
Hey, Kenny. How they
treatin' you in there ?
Let's just say l'm not gettin'
the respect a cop killer deserves.
All right, time's up.
l was up all night
getting harassed.
- Hi, there, Fish.
- See what l mean ?
l think they're mistakin'
my kindness for weakness. l'm scared.
Hey, Kenny, we're gonna get you
out of there, man.
All we gotta do is raise ten percent
of one million, yo.
- Which, by our calculations--
- ls fucking impossible, man !
Hey !
Sorry, man. l'm sorry.
All my life,
l did everything right.
l never screwed up.
l fed the horse.
l didn't know it was a diabetic.
l'm scared.
Kenny, stop crying.
Stop crying, Kenny. Look at me.
Come on. Don't let them
see you cry in there.
- Come on, man. Show me your mean face.
- No.
Yes, show me
your mean face, Kenny.
-
- That's good.
l mean, work on it a little bit,
but it's good.
-
- Kenny, how long
can you make it in there ?
l don't know.
Maybe 5:00... 6:30.
Come on, man. lt's gotta be
a little longer than that.
But-But-- But we'll get you out,
right, guys ?
- Yeah, you're out. You're out of here.
- Free as a bird.
Number nine, time's up !
- Time's up, number nine.
- That's me.
Let's go.
l love you guys.
Have fun, Ken.
Weed out there, yo.
He looked all right, man.
They gonna kill
him in there, yo.
Hey, lady.
Miss, is this your purse ?
- Yes.
- l'm sexy.
l'm a scholar.
- People like me.
- Give it to me.
- Bye.
- Hey, where you goin' ?
- l'm leaving.
- Well, uh, can l leave with ya ?
Follow me.
And your name is ?
- Mary Jane.
- Really ?
Yes. So what's up
with this ?
- ls that your work uniform ?
- Nah, this is my costume.
Tomorrow l'll be a cowboy,
the day after that an lndian.
Every day of the week, l dress up
like a different Village Person.
lt's a thing l'm into.
Nah, l'm a custodian.
So, what are you here for ?
- Possession of narcotics.
- Wow.
- My father's a drug dealer.
- Wow, that must've been the shit.
- lt ruined his life.
- That must've been shitty.
l don't do drugs.
Drugs make me sick.
They're bad for your body.
Up with hope, down with dope.
Thurgood. Come on, man.
We gotta go.
Get on the train.
Toke up before we go to work.
-
- Yo, let's go, B.
- What are you doing, man ?
- Bouncy. Body.
ls that Prell ?
Do you use Prell ?
Yeah. That's what
l'm talkin' about.
Hey, guys. Meet Mary Jane.
That's what he's sayin'.
We wanna burn one.
No, no.
This is Mary Jane.
Meet her. Say hello to her.
Shake her hand even.
- Oh, my fault. What's up ?
- Hi.
- All right.
- Hey.
Listen, do you guys need a ride ?
l have a car.
- You don't have to take the subway.
- Wow, you smoke ?
- No, my grandmother died
of lung cancer.
- l'm sorry to hear that.
Well, that's all the more
reason to toke up, man. Ease the pain.
Ah ! What l'm talkin' about.
You know, l think what they're tryin'
to say is we'd love a ride home.
Great.
- What the hell's wrong with y'all ?
- She looked good.
- Mary Jane ! What is that about, man ?
- l hate y'all.
Shotgun !
- Hey, thanks for this ride.
We really appreciate it.
- Sure.
Guys, shut up about the weed
for two seconds. l don't want
this girl to know l smoke.
Yeah, it's bad enough
you're a janitor, yo.
Custodian, dick.
- Hey !
- Hey.
lt's really real
lt's really real
Said they're lookin'
for brains, guts, looks and skills
- Step on up if you think
you fit the bill
- Yeah
l know what you look like
but looks can be deceivin'
Let me check the brain
so l can justify the reason
- Yeah
- Mister
-
- This good for ya ?
Could you drop me
in the lobby ? lt's perfect.
l could feel
she wanted me to say something.
l had to make my move
while the guys were asleep.
l'm real bad at this, but you think
sometime we could get together,
maybe go out for some ice cream
or something ?
- Motherfucker said, ''ice cream'' !
-
- Damn.
- Okay !
- All the boys in the car
need to get out.
- Such a dork, man.
- l'm talkin' to you.
- Thanks a lot, fellas.
- Thanks for the ride.
- Thurgood !
- l knew it !
- You forgot your hat.
l knew it.
You know, l might've came on too strong
with the whole ice cream thing.
Let me just give you my number.
ls that cool ?
- Okay.
- All right.
Now, don't call too late, 'cause you
know l be strippin' in the evenings.
Joking !
Here you go.
You can call me anytime you want.
- Maybe.
- ''Maybe'' is an acceptable answer.
lt's that ''no'' thing that gets me.
Maybe l'll hear from you.
- Bye.
- Be thinkin' about you.
Dr. Kablecki,
please report to Clinical Studies.
Dr. Kablecki.
Janitor ? Janitor ?
Aaah !
Sorry about that.
What is it, scientist ?
Could you, uh-- l know this
isn't your responsibility,
but would you be a dear and run
this down to the supply department ?
- lt's on the second floor.
- Just run this down ?
Yes. But make sure you bring
the order right back to me.
l need it A.S.A.P.
Got ya. l know this
isn't your responsibility,
but mop the rest of this shit up.
l'll be right back.
What it smell like ? Smell like--
No.
No. l smell weed, man.
Hey. Here you go.
- This all you need ?
- l guess. l don't know.
- Just a sec.
- Okay.
Damn.
Either someone's having a party, or
somebody gotta do their shirt laundry.
-
- Here you go.
One pound of marijuana,
and you can sign for it right here.
l-- l sign for this,
and it's mine ?
And l take it ?
Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Some good shit.
Oh, thank you, thank you,
thank... you.
Look, here's-- here's a little
something for your troubles.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Shh !
Let's not tell anyone
about it, okay ?
Sure. Shh.
Hey, why didn't you tell me
you were into this shit ?
- We could've been hangin' out
months ago.
- No, no, no.
The Food and Drug Administration are
having us do a study to determine what,
if any, are the medicinal purposes
of marijuana.
Mmm. Wow.
lf you ever need
a guinea pig, let me know.
My grandfather was
in the Tuskegee experiments.
Oh, really ?
Anyway, thank you,
janitor. Enjoy.
Thank you, scientist.
Got any papers ?
No cocktail party would be
complete without the ice plant.
Hey, fellas.
What's goin' on ?
- What's up ?
- Nothin', man.
Bummin', thinkin' about Kenny.
Yeah.
l got some weed at work today,
if y'all wanna try it out.
Nah, yo. We don't feel like
smokin' right now.
Me neither. Me neither.
- So, y'all want to smoke ?
- l'll get Billy Bong Thornton.
- That's what l'm talkin' about.
- No, Scarface.
No Billy Bong Thornton
without Kenny.
That would not be right, man.
Use Wesley Pipes. Yeah.
Man, they got whole bunch
of this stuff at work.
One of those scientists
gave it to me.
Ain't tried the shit out yet,
but it smells like the bomb.
- All right.
- Yeah, man. Yeah.
l'll do the honors.
- Excuse me.
- Please do.
Yo, this shit
must be good, B.
My man ain't coughed like
that since back in the day.
You sure l should
do this, man ?
Oh, yeah. That shit made
my head hot.
Oh, man.
Pass it this way.
Don't break the cipher.
Oh-- hold it.
l gotta give The Guy some of this.
The Guy gotta taste this.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Guy.
Hey, man. Sorry to wake you,
but you gotta try this.
l'm takin' it slow, man.
Hey, who's
on munchies tonight ?
We should make
that lazy bitch, The Guy, go.
For real. l don't know about y'all,
but l can't even move.
Real, B, right ?
lt's like
l feel stuck here, yo.
l'm glued to the floor.
You guys feel
like you're floating ?
Yeah. Yeah.
- Wanna go outside ?
- Yeah.
l don't need to
tell you this, but this weed was...
the shiz-nittle-bam
snip-snap-sack !
- Look !
- Wow, look at that !
Hey, you guys.
Let's go check in
on Kenny, huh ?
You're not a fish. You're a man.
You're not a fish.
You're a man.
Where did that come from ?
We've really gotta get
this guy out of jail.
You walk around
on both legs, homo erectus !
Did l say ''homo'' ?
l didn't mean that !
Thurgood !
Thurgood !
l got it ! l know how
we could get Kenny out.
- How ?
- Weed, man.
We'll sell weed.
Man, you can't up
and decide to sell weed.
You gotta know people to plug you
into that kind of thing.
- l do !
- Who you know ?
- You, yo.
- Me ?
What, you think l can just walk in
and take this shit ?
l gotta-- l gotta get
a form from a scientist.
Well, how hard can it be, man ?
There's gotta be forms laying around.
l mean,
they are scientists.
What the fuck
are you talkin' about, man ?
Look, l'm not stealin' weed.
We are not sellin' weed.
We are three
reasonably bright young men.
- Bully, man.
- Word, yo.
There has got to be a legitimate way
to come up with this money.
We just gotta think.
That's all that is.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Wait. Wait.
l think l got an idea.
Why don't we sell that shit
we smoked the other night, yo ?
- Yeah.
- You suggested that already.
- For real, B ?
-
Marijuana affects the memory.
lt won't take us
hardly any time, B.
- Too risky, man.
- Stop bein' such a wussy, yo.
- What other choice do we have, right ?
- Yeah.
Okay, fine. Fine.
We'll do it.
- Yeah.
- Gonna do it till Kenny's out,
and we're done.
We're not drug dealers.
We're fund-raisers.
- Of course, B.
- Bully, man.
Okay.
Scarface, lay it
on me, brother.
Check it out, yo.
lt's like this.
Scarface's plan wasn't that bad.
- Hey, good night, Mike.
- See you tomorrow.
Good night.
All l had to do was get forms from that
scientist that kept calling me janitor,
forge one of the forms and put
the order in like l did before.
- Thank you.
- Then we scraped together
what little money we had...
and bought bikes
to help us move the product,
then stapled samples of our weed
on the back of our business cards.
Then we called the company Mr. Nice Guy
in honor of our friend Kenny.
Hey, uh, you guys believe
in angels or--
Man, give me
your fruit cocktail.
Well, l can't.
lf l did that, then l'd have
to give it to you every day,
and l won't get
all my vitamins.
- Do you know who you're dealing with ?
- Chill, Nasty Nate.
He's my bitch. Anybody gonna
stab him, it's gonna be me.
You got a problem with that ?
Watch your back, Fish, 'cause
Squirrel Master ain't gonna be
there for you all the time.
'Cause next time l come for you,
l'm gonna want some cocktail-- fruit.
Take it.
l'm somebody's bitch.
You guys gotta do something.
There's this guy Nasty Nate
who's after my cocktail fruit,
and everyone here
likes fresh fish.
And then the Squirrel Master came out
of left field and told me l'm his bitch.
- Help !
- Ken, listen. We got a plan.
- What is it ?
- lt's not the most honest plan.
You might not like it.
- We gonna sell weed, yo.
- Yeah, great. Weed. Good. Go.
- All right, man.
- Go !
No more window love.
Go and sell it.
We figured the best way to
spread the word was to hit the streets.
And hit the streets we did.
- Mary Jane
- How y'all feel about Mary Jane
- Y'all don't know about Mary Jane
- Mary Jane
So listen to what they say
'cause Mary never could trip
Mary very, very necessary
Extraordinary bein' Mary
To the mortuary, One kiss from
her sweet lips and out come a-vision
-
- Three for dinner.
Smoke that
and get back to us.
Mr. Nice Guy has arrived, baby.
He's on.
- All right.
- l'm in love with Mary Jane
l'm not the only one
- Oh, yes.
- Mary likes to play around
Look at all these people !
All right, guys. Be quick.
Let's just do this and get out of here.
- Let's go, man.
- Let's go.
- lt's money.
Mary likes to spread her love
And turn my head around
l'm in love with Mary Jane
She is my main thing
She make me feel all right
- She make my heart sing
- All right, how'd you guys make out ?
- Good. l'm all out of cards, B.
- Me too.
That would make three of us.
All right.
We did our part, right ?
l just hope they smoke it.
- lf you love me, Mary Jane
- Mary Jane
We're talkin' about Mary Jane
How y'all feel about Mary Jane
- Mary Jane
- She's my main thing
- We're talkin' about Mary Jane
- Damn, this weed is good.
- Y'all don't know about Mary Jane
- Mary Jane
She make my heart sing
- This is so--
- We are in business, man.
- Hold on. Hold on.
-
- Mr. Nice Guy.
- Oh, l may have the wrong number.
Um, is Thurgood around ?
- Speaking.
- Oh, hey, hey. lt's Mary Jane.
Do you remember ? l gave you
a ride home from prison ?
Well, could you be
a little more specific ?
l get so many rides home
from prison.
That was a joke.
Oh.
What happened ? l didn't think
you were gonna call me.
Well, l wasn't, but then l decided
l don't care what my friends think.
See, that was a joke.
Get it ?
- A little joke.
- Not funny.
So, you wanna
get together ?
Okay. Sure. When ?
How 'bout right now ? Just meet me
at the place you dropped us off at.
Okay. Can you give me
half an hour ?
- Yeah, half an hour's cool.
- Great.
- All right. Okay.
- l'll see you there.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
l've got a date with Mary Jane !
- Word, yo ?
- Yes !
- All right, man.
- Y'all got money ?
The date couldn't
have come at a worse time.
l was flat broke.
All my money was tied up
in our drug-dealing venture.
l only had eight bucks.
This was gonna take some careful
budgeting and maneuvering.
- Hey.
- Watch the master at work.
- You look great. You look wonderful.
- Thank you.
You know what ? l was thinkin'
it's so nice out,
wanna go for a walk ?
Yeah, sure.
We can go for a walk.
Good. Good. Let's.
So far, so good.
Three hours and 14 miles later,
l hadn't spent one penny.
Damn, l was good !
- And then it happened.
- l'm hungry too.
- Hey, you wanna
eat at the Happy Palace ?
- Uh, how 'bout a hot dog, huh ?
- Hey, what luck.
- Hot dog.
- Hey, what can l get you ?
- Could l have a hot dog
with ketchup and sauerkraut ?
- Sauerkraut's 50 cents extra.
- Damn !
l've not had a hot dog
in so long.
- Come on. Let's get out of here.
- Anything to drink ?
- You son of a bitch !
- Yes. Could l have a Pepsi, please ?
- Anything for you, sir ?
- No. l'm fine. Thank you.
- Greedy bastard !
- Didn't you promise me
ice cream the other day ?
l know a really
good place uptown.
Great. Let's hoof it.
Um, do you mind if we take
a cab this time ?
Sure.
Thanks a lot, buddy.
You should be happy
with the tip l gave you. Damn.
- You should be kissing my ass.
- You guys are greedy.
Best ice cream in town.
- Spare change for some food ?
- Oh.
- Don't mind if l do.
- Thanks, young brother.
No, thank you.
- Mmm. Mmm-mmm.
- Yeah, l mean, l do miss my dad.
But... he deserves
to be where he is.
Drug dealers belong
in jail.
Yeah. Yeah, wow.
Yeah. Um, how long
he been in there ?
- Four years next month.
- Four years.
- And what exactly was he sellin' ?
- Marijuana.
Four years
just for weed ? Damn !
Just ? No, no, no, no.
Not just.
Marijuana is terrible.
lt's a gateway drug.
l mean, everybody knows
that it leads to other stuff.
Yeah, mostly junk food.
You don't smoke weed, do you ?
Come on, Mary Jane.
l mean, do l look like somebody
that would smoke... marijuana ?
So you swear you don't ?
Yeah, sure.
Okay, well, swear on this banana split
that you don't do marijuana.
What ? Oh, my God.
Do you swear ?
Yes, Mary Jane. l swear.
That you got pretty eyes.
That's good.
That's real good.
l got some booty. l got some booty.
l got some booty.
lt was really good too.
Ooh, she was a giver,
a caring nurturer.
She held me in her arms, and it was
like l was 15 years old all over again.
- l was hooked on Mary Jane.
-
The next mornin' the phones blew up like
we were havin' a fuckin' telethon, man.
Everybody in New York was callin'
to get down with Mr. Nice Guy.
We met all kinds of customers,
like this guy here.
He's what we call
an enhancement smoker,
'cause he thinks marijuana
makes every activity that much better.
- Mi casa es su casa.
- Observe.
- You're Scarface, right ?
- Yeah.
l love Al Pacino, man.
- Did you ever see Scent of a Woman ?
- Yep.
Did you ever see
Scent of a Woman... on weed ?
That's the way to see it, man !
lt's just whacked ! Pow !
- Sixty bucks, yo.
- That's cool, man.
l got it. l got it.
- Did you ever see
the back of a $20 bill, man ?
- Man, l don't know, yo.
Did you ever see the back
of a $20 bill... on weed ?
Oh, there's some weird shit
in there, man !
There's a dude sittin' in the bushes.
Does he have a gun ?
l don't know, man.
What ? What ?
Red team go. Red team go.
- Just some weird shit, man.
- Man, you're fuckin' crazy, yo.
- Take your shit.
- No, that's cool. Thanks, man.
Hey, yo, wait ! Dude, l'm gonna
check out the stars later.
lt's really trippy.
Especially on weed, man.
A scavenger smoker is
someone who never has weed of their own.
But as soon as you smoke it,
here they come.
- Damn !
- What up ?
- Man !
What's up, dogs ? Scoot over.
Let me get in here, man.
- What y'all doin'?
- Nothin'.
- Nothin'?
- Yeah, just chillin'.
What's the matter ?
Let me inhale it. Let me have some.
All right, man.
Just one hit, you scavenger.
Always come around.
Can't even smoke weed
in peace.
l ain't even into the
motherfucker yet. Back up, brother.
You know we sell this ?
l don't know if you knew that.
lt's too bad, man.
l just stopped smokin' yesterday.
l'm gonna get up out of here.
Y'all stay up, now. Nice seeing y'all.
- Yeah. Look at that shit.
- Man.
Then there's the ''You
Should've Been There'' smoker.
They love talkin' about the old days,
back when weed was grass.
Hell, back in the '60s, we used to
smoke that shit on the street.
Cops didn't say nothin'.
Hell, they was gettin' high too.
Everybody was doin' it.
- Mm.
- lt wasn't the thing to do because
it was the thing to do, you know ?
lt was the thing to do
because it got you high.
- Can you dig ?
- l feel ya. That's why l'm doin' it.
l feel it. Man, you're cool
as shit, mister.
l hate to do it, but l gotta
charge you. That's 60 bucks.
- Sixty bucks ?
- Yeah.
Man, l remember when a dime bag
cost a dime, you know what l mean ?
- You know how much condoms
used to cost in them days ?
- How much ?
l don't know.
l-- We never used 'em.
We call this kid
the ''After School Special'' smoker.
He spends all
of his allowance on reefer.
Thanks, little buddy.
Now, in the next room, his father,
an ''l'm 40, But l'm Still Cool'' smoker,
is tokin' up, trying to figure
out a way to bond with his son.
lsn't that ironic ?
Don't you think ?
'Course across town, the kid's Nana's
smokin' up, tryin' to ease her glaucoma.
And it's good
for arthritis too.
- We made over 20 grand
that first week, man.
-
And because we were stealin' the weed,
not buyin' it, it was all profit.
But if we were gonna save Kenny,
we had to deliver full-time.
Scarface quit his job.
Still waiting
on that Heifer, Julio.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
Fuck you. You're cool.
And fuck you. l'm out !
Brian was gonna quit,
but they fired him before he could.
Don't worry. Don't worry.
l'm not gonna do what
everyone thinks l'm gonna do:
Flip out, man !
All l wanna know is:
who's comin' with me ?
Who's comin', man ?
Who's comin' with me ?
Huh ? Who's comin' with me, man ?
- l will.
- Jan.
Thank you, Jan. Yeah.
That's what
l'm talkin' about.
Bully, man. Yeah.
Jan, will you be
my girlfriend ?
l would... but l'm gay,
you know ?
- Ohh.
- l'm a big dyke.
What's that like ?
-
- Thank you for calling.
Thank you very much. Bye-bye.
We had to hire that girl Jan
'cause she followed Brian.
- But it actually worked out.
- Mr. Nice Guy.
She was more organized than we were,
and she was willing to work for weed.
All right, then.
Mr. Nice Guy
was blowin' up, man.
We got customers
from all over New York.
- We even stole a few from Samson.
-
Oh, what's up, nigger ?
Come on in, man.
Come on, weed man.
Thanks, baby.
Get on. Beat it.
You're scarin' him.
Ha ! Sir Smoka Lot.
- What can l get you today, Smoka Lot ?
- Love weed.
Um, let me get a pound
of your sweetest chiva.
Damn. Yes ! Somethin' told me
to bring a lot of weed, man.
Aw, shit. Pound
of my sweetest chiva.
- Don't get no better than that.
- Can smell it through the bag.
That's gonna be
Let's see what l got here.
Come on, man. Hang out
for a minute. Smoke with me.
l got weed. l got my bong out.
Come on, son.
For you, man,
l'll stay for a minute.
But then l gotta be--
gotta be goin'.
l understand.
And Smoka Lot opened up to me like l
was Barbara Walters. lt was ridiculous.
- He told me about his lawyer.
- He had sex with my mama ! Why ?
- His spirituality.
- God, if you listenin'... help !
- His bad back.
- Doctor said l need a backeotomy.
- His love life.
- l'm impotent, man.
Get away from me, bitch !
-l mean, talk about a guy with problems.
-Tough break.
- l can't take it no more.
- No wonder he smokes a pound a week.
- Somebody ?
- So now we had a famous clientele and--
Greeneyes gonna miss ya.
- And guess what else ?
- Call me next week...
about weed, about weed.
l got more booty !
l got more booty !
l don't mean
to rub it in, folks.
lt's just that, you know,
l liked this so much, man.
When l was with her,
l didn't even think about weed.
- Didn't have to.
- Bye.
- She was all the Mary Jane l needed.
-
When l was young
l never needed anyone
Makin' love
was just for fun
Those days are gone
All by myself
What did l tell you, Nate ?
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on, Nate.
-
- He had to stay vigilant.
- Wash off your han--
- Kenny's butthole
was in constant jeopardy.
- But we were makin' money.
- Hey, what's up, mates ?
- What's up, man ?
- What's up, boy ?
- What's up, yo ?
- Nada. l'm just chillin'.
Hey, guys. Why is there a dog
biting The Guy ?
- 'Cause l bought a dog, B.
- Bought a dog ?
- For how much ?
- Oh, it's cool. Yo, he's used.
lncluding the house,
it was only 250, yo.
You spent $250
on a used dog ?
And a dog house, yo.
Brian bought something too.
For $400, l got Jerry Garcia
in a pouch, man.
- Who the hell told you that ?
- The guy who sold it to me.
Barry Garcia.
And what he's supposed to be ?
Jerry Garcia's brother ?
No. Actually,
it's Andy Garcia's brother.
Why the hell
are you guys spendin' money ?
We're not drug dealers, remember ?
- We're fund-raisers.
- Well, you said you gave
Mary Jane a pearl necklace.
- How much did that cost, man ?
- Ah.
You know, obviously you missed
the point of that story, Brian.
- Come on, guys. Return this shit.
- We can't, yo.
- Why am l tellin' Mary Jane
l don't have any money ?
- 'Cause you're a fibber.
No, because we don't
have any money.
The money we do have
is not for spending.
lt's for saving Kenny's
sweet virgin ass, man !
lf you guys spend one more dime,
l swear l will bitch-slap you.
Gimme that.
Sorry for yelling.
But l'm serious.
We gotta start
bein' more responsible and focused.
All right ? Let's be sharp.
Scarface, your dog is mean, man.
l know, all right.
Somebody gotta do somethin'
about this shit right now.
Mmm. Come here, doggie.
- Hey, little fella. Smell it ?
-
Hey ! Smell it.
Okay. All right. Mm.
- Good boy.
-
- He likes it.
- He loves it, man.
- Of course he loves it.
- Yeah, your paws are tingling,
aren't they ?
- Now you're one of us.
-
- Get it, Killer.
-
- He likes it, yo.
- Yeah, man,
he really likes it.
- Good for you, man.
- Man, what did you guys do to him, yo ?
- Nothin', man.
- Yo, Killer. Kill ! Killer, kill !
This weed is fantastic !
We kept pluggin' away
with the weed deliveries,
and we kept meetin' different kinds
of smokers, like this lady.
- She's an ''l'm Only Creative
lf l Smoke'' smoker.
- Hi.
She believes weed, and only weed,
brings out the artist in her.
- Would you like to hear
some of my poetry ?
- Not really.
You really should.
l have killed.
l have helped kill.
l have killed part of myself.
l cannot change this, l.
l must seek Buddha.
l must seek Christ.
You must seek therapy. That's what
l would go with, but that's my own--
The MacGyver smoker
is a very handy guy to have around,
especially when it comes
to reefer.
Hey, man,
we're out of papers.
All right. Then get me a toilet paper
roll, a corkscrew and some tin foil.
We don't have a corkscrew.
All right. Then get me an avocado,
an ice pick and my snorkel.
Trust me, bro.
l've made bongs with less. Hurry up !
- And then you got
your straight-up potheads.
- Ooh !
You can spot these people
by their lack of motivation,
mood swings, forgetfulness and,
of course, the dreaded low sperm count.
l don't know
which one of these categories
we fall into, but l'll tell you this:
We ain't no goddamn potheads.
Hmm.
Shit.
Then you have
the avid nonsmoker.
A lot of times they'll get
your number accidentally
from one of their girlfriends,
call up and place an order
knowing they don't smoke weed...
and request
that you personally deliver it.
Then when you get there, they're
all mad that it's you sellin' weed.
You smoke weed ? At last
we can share everything.
Get off me, you lying
son of a bitch ! What is this ?
Looks like some sort
of a business card.
Yeah, with your number on it.
You know, l can't believe this !
l can't believe that l fell for another
one of you lowlife assholes again.
- God, what is wrong with me ?
- Hey--
Hey, Mary Jane, l can explain
everything, all right ?
- Good-bye, Thurgood.
- Wait ! Hold up !
Hey, Mary Jane !
Mary Jane, look, the only reason
l lied to you was because l like you...
and l wanted
to be with you.
Mary Jane.
Knight Rider.
A shadowy flight
into the dangerous world...
of a man who does not exist.
Thurgood, why the long face, man?
- Mary Jane dumped me.
- Shh. Quiet down, yo.
- Sir Smoka Lot's on TV.
- Cecil ?
When life is hard, l pick up
that card with the smiley face
- Call him over to my place
-
Box it
Man, it gets you high
-
- And that's
when things started going wrong.
Samson, it looks like somebody
is cuttin' into your business, baby.
- Shit.
- Do you like what you see, Samson ?
Do l look like
l like what l see ?
Who is this
Mr. Nice Guy ?
l would imagine he's
some sort of drug dealer.
Go get me this Mr. Nice Guy.
- l wanna sit him down
and ask him some questions.
-
- Hey, Squirrel Master.
- Kenny.
Listen, uh, l, uh,
just wanted to say thank you...
for protecting me back there.
- We didn't mind.
Huh ? Did we, Fuzzy Nuts ?
-
l hope there's some way l can pay
you back when we get on the outside.
You better hurry up.
l get out in 11 days.
ls that right ?
Kenny, 11 days ?
That seems a little stiff, man.
Eleven days, Thurgood,
l'm as good as skewered.
Ever take your clothes off
and run backwards through a cornfield ?
- Ooh.
- Hurry, Thurgood.
l'm countin' on you, man !
Please ! Please !
Eleven days wasn't
gonna give us much time.
We really had to hustle, and
that meant takin' on new customers.
Damn, B ! l been set up.
We'll get back to that in a second.
But meanwhile l hadn't seen
Mary Jane in, like, a week.
l couldn't stop thinkin'
about her, man. l missed her.
Then l started thinkin' about
the fact that she was the only
girl l slept with in five years.
Then l started thinkin' about the girl
l slept with before Mary Jane.
l had to get Mary Jane back.
-
- What do you want ?
l want you back, Mary Jane.
l miss you. l'll do whatever
it takes to get you back.
l can't quit sellin' it yet,
but l'll quit smokin' it.
lf that's what you want, then--
then l'll change for you.
- Heard that before.
- Said that before.
But this time l mean it. l'm gonna
come back here. l'm gonna be clean.
l'm gonna be sober.
There's no more weed, no more nothin'.
Mary Jane, you'll see.
l'll be back. l'll be a changed man.
There's a new
Thurgood Jenkins today.
l love you.
Man, that first day
of sobriety sucked.
And l realized something:
l was a real irritable guy
when l wasn't smokin' marijuana.
l couldn't stop thinkin'
about gettin' high.
lt was time to get help.
Hi, everyone.
My name is Thurgood.
- Hi, Thurgood.
- Hi.
l'm here today because
l'm addicted... to marijuana.
-
- You in here because of marijuana ?
Marijuana ?
Man, this is some bullshit !
Marijuana is not a drug.
- l used to suck dick for coke.
- l seen him !
And that's an addiction, man.
- You ever suck dick for marijuana ?
- Huh ?
- No. No, l can't say l have.
- l didn't think so.
- Boo this man !
- Boo !
No.
No !
No !
Devil man.
Devil-- 666--
The mark of the beast !
No ! Naughty !
Naughty jungle of love !
- The man is serious.
- Calm down. How serious can it be ?
He wants to see Mr. Nice Guy.
He told me.
Oh, man.
No, yo !
They killed Killer, B !
Yo, Samson did this, man.
Yo, he killed Killer, man.
- Hey.
- He killed--
l'm gonna call Brian.
- Let's just give him
a proper burial, all right ?
-
l'm sorry, man.
Jesus Christ.
- Oh ! l'm sorry.
- Watch it, man !
You stepped on his head !
l'm sorry.
l didn't even see him.
l gotta smoke.
l have got to smoke.
-
- What happened, man ?
You wanna know what happened ?
l'll tell you what happened.
Samson and his girls
came rollin' up in here lookin' for me.
They was gonna mess me up
if l didn't bring them Mr. Nice Guy.
So they probably
roughed the Guy up,
then they started
goin' to war with the apartment.
They had num-chuks, bolos.
They be doin' lndian burns.
Killer paid the price, yo.
He got the wrath. He got
the wrath of the num-chuks, yo.
l think it's more complex
than that.
- More complex than that ?
- You know what l think happened ?
You want to hear
what l think, man ?
First of all, to understand
what happened to Killer,
you gotta understand
who Killer the dog was.
Now, Killer was born
to a three-legged bitch mother.
He was always
ashamed of this, man.
And right after that, he's adopted
by this man, Tito Liebowitz.
He's a small-time gunrunner...
and, uh,
rottweiler fight promoter.
So he puts Killer into training.
They see Killer's good.
He is damn good.
But then he had
the fight of his life.
They pit him against
his brother Nibbles.
And Killer said, ''No, man, that's
my brother. l can't fight Nibbles !''
And he made 'em fight anyway.
And then Killer,
he killed Nibbles.
And Killer said, ''That's it.''
He called off all his fights, and he
started doing crack, and he freaked out.
And then in a rage,
he collapsed,
and his heart...
no longer beat.
Wow.
You know, uh,
l never thought l'd say
this to anybody,
but you two smoke
entirely too much reefer.
What if The Guy did it ?
No way. You think ?
Yo ?
Yo, The Guy,
did you kill my dog ?
l believe him, yo.
l don't know why, but l do.
Samson did this shit, yo.
Mr. Nice Guy,
Party Accessories.
Well, did you get
my message ?
- Who is this ?
- This is Samson, smarty-pants.
Operator with an
emergency breakthrough from your sister.
Samson, this is Sheila. Mama fell--
Shut up, bitch !
You tell Mr. Nice Guy
to get his Jamaican ass...
over to my place
at 3:00 tomorrow !
- Now, you don't want me to get ugly.
- No, sir.
- Shit.
- All right. l'll tell 'em.
Oh, my God.
We're in a lot of trouble.
Scarface, perhaps
you could help me.
Why do you think Samson thinks
that Mr. Nice Guy's a Jamaican ?
Oh, 'cause l told him
Mr. Nice Guy was Jamaican, yo.
- Why ?
- l just thought he sounded
Jamaican inside my head.
We're in a lot
of trouble, guys.
We have a meeting
with Samson tomorrow at 3:00.
Where are we gonna get a Jamaican ?
l'll pretend
l'm Jamaican, man.
Yeah.
You have smoked yourself
retarded.
Well, well, well,
if it isn't Mr. Nice Guy.
Welcome to my lair.
Well, now. Tell me
a little bit about yourself.
Well, you know, l be from
Jamaica, man. Lord have mercy.
What part of Jamaica ?
Right near the beach--
Boy
l think
you're bullshitting me.
Samson Simpson,
l stick by my story !
l'm from Jamaica.
lf l wasn't Jamaican, then why
would l wear this hat ? Hmm ?
Delilah,
get me 814.
What the fuck is 814 ?
Oh ! l'm sorry, y'all.
l don't want to be the first nigger
to die from a crossbow.
You know, l have been
lying to you.
l'm sorry.
Samson, l'm sorry. Okay ?
We-- We just started this
because our friend got locked up.
Brother, you know how that is.
We had to get him outta jail.
Now this
is what's gonna happen.
You make about 40,000,
Shit. l wish.
Well, l want half,
$20,000 a week,
or you're dead !
You understand ?
Twenty thousand seems fair.
That seems fair, right guys ? lt's fair.
Class dismissed.
Man, we are
in trouble, man.
Jerry, l really need
your help, man. Feel us--
Brian, will you stop praying to
a bag of sand, man ? Come on.
You heard the man. lf we don't
get this money, we're dead. All of us !
Yo, Thurgood, why don't you get your
boy, The Guy, to lend you some money ?
- You certainly let him
stay here long enough.
- Man, that's Brian's boy.
- l didn't let him stay here.
- l don't know him, man.
- Hey, what day is it ?
- Saturday.
-
- ls it January ?
No, man, it's August.
Oh, wow. August.
-
- Hey, l couldn't help
overhearing you guys.
You know, if you want to double
your profits, you should rob that lab.
Tomorrow's Sunday.
There'll be no one in there.
Just go in and rob
the place blind.
lt'll work, l promise you.
Hey, uh, seein' as how
we don't know who you are,
are you plannin'
on movin' out anytime soon ?
Thurgood, why don't you just
focus on one thing at a time ?
l'll be fine. The robbery
is what's important now.
Phase One is complete, yo.
-
- All right.
Now all we gotta do is go down this
hatch to the second-floor supply room.
Grab all the weed you can grab,
and we are outta here !
Sick, man !
This is it ?
Let's do it.
Watch your step.
- You didn't say nothin'
about no door, yo.
- Chill out, man.
l smoke weed here all the time.
This door's never locked.
-
- l didn't say the alarm would be off.
- l said it never locked.
- Well, hurry, yo !
You guys, wait up !
Oh.
-
- Hold up !
- lsn't that Thurgood, the custodian ?
- Yeah.
- Want me to call the cops ?
- No. This is too much fun.
Right over here !
Come on !
l hope there's some left.
Maui Wowie !
l never seen this much weed
in my life ! Let's go !
- Come on, man !
-
Get down on your knees with
your hands behind your head.
Yo, l'm gonna make
a run for it, B.
Just get down, man.
At least Brian
got away, yo.
Whoa ! My nads ! Oh !
Hey, thank God, man !
Get down on your knees with
your hands behind your head !
Move in.
Breaking and entering.
You got me ?
Open and shut.
l say we book 'em.
You got me ? We book 'em.
Hey, wait a minute, guys.
lt's not open and shut.
What do you guys do for a living ?
- l'm a detective.
- Yeah, we're detectives.
Oh. Okay then, detect.
Ask us somethin'.
- What do you know about this
new Jamaican, this Mr. Nice Guy ?
- Yeah.
Aw, shit, yo.
Well, l heard he's got great weed,
but that's neither here nor there.
- l mean, we can't bring him down.
- Crazy.
But we can
bring you Samson.
Just ask me how. Ask me !
How are you gonna
bring Samson down ?
We got a meeting with him
in a couple days.
l'll wear a wire. Hmm ?
All right, listen to me.
There's $30,000 in this knapsack.
When you get in there,
give him the 20 grand you owe him,
and with the remaining ten,
buy whatever narcotics he's got around.
You got me ?
You paying attention ?
No. Sorry, man.
Unless you say out loud what it
is you're buying, we got nothin'.
So make sure that you say it, and make
sure that you get Samson to say it.
- No codes. No slang.
- Yeah.
As soon as you got the stuff,
or if anything goes wrong,
say the phrase, ''Abracadabra.''
- Abracadabra.
- Abracadabra ?
- Okay. Okay.
- Make sure that you are relaxed.
And just act
completely normal.
- That's gonna be a problem.
- What do you mean ?
l mean we haven't smoked
any weed today, man.
lf the three of us go in there
all clear-eyed, Samson
is gonna know somethin's up.
Well, if you think
it's gonna help.
Yeah. Yeah, l think that's
gonna help. You got a light ?
Mmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
-
- Thanks, Officer.
l just wanna say,
that was a great idea,
Thurgood.
- Wow. l mean, where do you even--
- Just smoke it, yo !
lf somethin' happens to us,
could you--
could you give this letter
to Mary Jane Potman ?
Sure thing, kid.
And-- And tell our friend Kenny Davis
we love him. He's in prison.
- Let's go. Come on.
- All right. Let's move.
Just remember to speak clearly.
- Get him to say what he's sellin' you.
- Yeah.
lt ain't always good...
to get high before you have
important things to do.
Lucky for us,
the cops had our backs.
- Hello, boys.
- Hi, Samson.
So... where's the money ?
Right here in my bag.
Um, Samson, can l
ask you a question ?
Go ahead.
Do you know where we can score
some cocaine ?
- You want some candy ?
- Uh, no, thanks.
But it'd be great
if we can get some cocaine.
-
- What's so funny ?
Those guys--
Those guys are doomed !
l can't feel my hands !
l-- l can feel them.
What we have here...
is some Columbian heaven.
Pure cocaine.
- Candy makes you dandy.
- Hmm.
This is all the cocaine
we get for ten G's, B ?
- We have other product.
- Oh, like more cocaine ?
And that is ?
Fine China. Babaloo.
- Looks like heroin to me, yo.
- Yeah. ls that heroin ?
You've got to be the dumbest dealers
in the history of the dope game.
You mean the game
that you run, yo ?
- Good.
- Just call me Jesse Owens.
Jesse, can we get some cocaine
and get the hell outta here ?
- Okay.
- Can l buy some of your heroin too ?
- Okay.
-
All right. All right.
lt's been a pleasure
doing business with you.
Thank you very much for the heroin
and the cocaine. Here's your money.
All right.
Abracadabra.
Yeah, man !
Abracadabra.
''You're all the Mary Jane
l'll ever need.''
- Abracadabra, yo !
- Oh, abracadabra, man.
- Abracadabra.
- Boy, why do you keep saying that ?
What ? Abracadabra ?
Yes. Abracadabra.
lt's the latest thing.
All the kids are saying it, all right ?
- Abracadabra, my brother.
- What's up ? Abracadabra.
- Abracadabra.
- Slim, take off your shirt.
Samson, Samson,
l hardly know you.
- Ladies.
- Abracadabra.
- Abracadabra, man !
- Abracadabra, yo !
Abracadabra ! Abra--
You're dead ! All of you !
Hey, fellas,
let's beat these bitches !
Let's work it out.
Oh, yo, your titty.
- Now, that's a titty.
- Fully, man.
That is an official fully.
Aah !
-These are mean people. Mean, mean, man.
-Look out !
This is for Killer, B.
-
- Surprise, surprise, surprise.
Look who's walkin'.
Nigger, l thought
you said you was crippled.
Well, sweet pea,
we're all crippled in some way.
- Put it down !
- You win.
Now...
this is the way
it's gonna work.
l'm gonna take your little
Mexican friend with me,
and l'm gonna kill him.
- l'm Cuban, B.
- Yes, Cuban B.
- Now is there anything you want
to say to your friends ?
- Jerry, we need you.
Abracadabra, B !
Oh, man !
Oh, wow.
Sucks to be you, man !
Oh, man ! Oh, man !
What did l--
l told you he was real, man.
Jerry... thank you, man.
You're welcome, Brian.
Peace.
- Well, abracadabra.
- Whoa !
- All right.
- What the hell's goin' on here ?
- Our job is done.
These guys can go home.
- You guys are wasted, man.
Thurgood, Thurgood.
Nice letter.
- Gimme that back.
- Queer.
- Everybody, freeze !
- Oh, shit !
Nobody move !
The cops took all
the credit for bustin' Samson,
but that's not important.
What was important is that we cut
a deal, and Kenny was finally free.
- Hallelujah !
-
Which brings me
to the Brooklyn Bridge,
where l had to make things right
with Mary Jane.
- Hi.
- Are you ?
A little bit from yesterday,
you know, when Kenny got--
But-But-But, Mary Jane, listen.
l'm done. l'm done sellin' it.
l'm done smokin' it.
This is the last of it, right here.
l just wanted you to see me
get rid of it.
Could we just have a--
a moment alone ?
Do what you gotta do.
Be strong.
Thanks, baby.
Mary Jane,
bein' with you these past
But l gotta move on.
Come on. Smoke me.
Have a quickie for old time's sake.
No. She's looking.
She's looking.
All right. Real quick.
No. No ! lt wouldn't be right.
Goddamn you !
You'll be back !
Everything work out okay ?
Yeah. Mary Jane, l love you.
l love you too.
l know.
l know what you're thinkin'.
- That old Thurgood sold out, right ?
- l'm your girl now.
But let me tell you something.
l love weed, okay ? l love it.
But not as much
as l love pussy.
The End.
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
Sittin' here together, baby
We're alone
Now l can tell ya, girl
You turn me on
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
You've got the love that
The love l desire, babe
You've got the match
Ooh, that lights my life
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
You got the love that
The love l desire, babe
You've got the match
Ooh, that lights my fire
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
Hey, everybody,
l'm Dave Chappelle.
lf you want to learn more about
marijuana or other illegal substances,
go to your local library.
- Remember, the more you read--
- The smarter you are.
Yea !
All right, man.
Captions, lnc. Los Angeles
Wait, two
Three
Hey. What's up, everybody ?
l'm Thurgood Jenkins.
You know, it's funny,
but l can trace the entire path
of my life to one childhood memory.
My last clear memory, really.
You see, it was the summer
before ninth grade.
lt was me, Brian, Kenny,
Scarface...
and of course
the loveable Old James.
Oh, hold on. Wait a minute.
Old James-- Old James wasn't there.
l don't even know nobody named
Old James. Shoot. Go on !
- Why don't you
light it up there, brother ?
- All right. Here goes nothin'.
l don't remember graduatin'.
And my first sexual experience--
l don't remember that either.
- But, man, l will never forget
the first time l smoked...
that sweet, sweet chiva.
- Feel anything ?
- Yeah, l feel my chest cavin' in.
- This stuff
didn't even work.
- Man !
Come on. Let's get some candy
and get out of here, B.
l've heard people say
they don't get high
the first time they smoke.
Not me. Oh, not us.
We were really, really high.
We was toe up !
- Do you guys feel different ?
- A little.
How 'bout you, Scarface ?
How you doin', Kenny ? Kenny ?
l haven't been so thirsty
in my entire life.
Do you guys hear that ?
Feels like Jerry Garcia's in my head.
Am l goin' crazy ?
We look at that
day as the day we met the fifth
member of our crew-- marijuana !
- Oh, Lord, we was hooked !
So, now we all live together
in New York.
l myself am a master
of the custodial arts,
or a janitor if you want
to be a dick about it.
Anyway, l work at this lab,
Frankensense and Burr Pharmaceutical.
- They do pharmaceutical testing
for the government...
and big corporations and--
And l am
the happiest custodian alive.
This job... sucks.
Abba-Zabba,
you my only friend.
Ah, it could be worse.
l could have Scarface's job.
- Heifer with cheese.
- You son of a bitch,
l'm right behind you !
Turn around and ask me
for Heifer with cheese, yo !
Why you gotta make me feel inferior
'cause l'm on the grill, B ? Damn !
- Scarface is kind
of a hyper guy for a pothead.
- Sorry.
Kenny is probably doin'
the best out of all of us.
He's a kindergarten teacher
at some school downtown,
which l know might scare a lot
of parents, seeing as how he's
a weedhead and all.
But let me tell you, man,
that guy does wonders for those
children's self-esteem.
- Thank you.
- Oh, l love you so much, little one.
-
- All of you. All of you. lt's so good.
- Brian works
at a new and used record store.
- Hi.
- He gets to talk about music all day.
- l got a used Kenny Loggins album.
Perfect job for a stoner.
Lady, you want seven bucks
for a used Kenny Loggins record ?
- l'll give you five.
- Uh-uh. He autographed it himself.
All right,
l'll give you four.
Jan, stop it, man.
-
- As far as herb goes, you can
get it all over this town.
l mean, they might call it the city that
never sleeps, but l'll tell you this:
- lt takes a lot of fuckin' weed naps.
- Free !
You can get the stuff at little
corner stores called bodegas.
Say it with me:
Yes, very good.
- These places always have
incredibly old products.
- Como esta, fellas ?
- Hey-Hey.
- But the weed ain't bad.
- Let me get four dime bags.
- Uh, l don't have no idea
what you're talking about.
Jose, you crazy, man. He's crazy.
Come on, man. Let me get them dimes.
See, the problem with bodegas
is they never remember you.
-
- You always have to do something
extreme to let 'em know you're cool.
Hey, fellas. Y'all know me.
Come on, now. Look at this.
Hey, black ass. Why you
didn't moon us earlier, eh ?
lt was a little degrading.
lf you desperate, you can get it from
the Rastas at Washington Square Park,
but their stuff ain't even weed
most the time.
l don't fall
for that shit anymore.
Then there's a delivery service run
by a guy named Samson Simpson.
Now, when you can afford it,
this is the best way.
l mean, you can get anything
you want, from weed to heroin.
Now, l don't do drugs, though.
Just weed.
-
- Coming.
See, all you have to do is call
them up, and a half hour later,
you got a delivery guy
at your house.
-
- What a country !
Hi, you called about your plumbing ?
Empty pipes ?
- Secret code.
- Come on in.
- You want highs, mediums or lows ?
- How are the highs, man ?
l say they got a piney taste, almost
minty. Notice the little red hairs.
- Yeah.
- And the rich greenery ?
- l see those.
- And it's definitely the highest
grade hydroponics in the city.
What, did you go
to weed college ? Damn, nigger.
All right.
Give me a 50 bag of that.
- Been a pleasure.
- Pleasure's all mine.
- Tell Samson l said hello, would ya ?
- Sure thing.
Now, everybody has
their own little ritual
when it comes to smokin'.
- Dope has arrived, fellas.
- And we were no different.
- Break out Billy Bong Thornton.
- Yeah.
Whoo !
Billy, good to see you, man.
All right.
Light it up.
Shoes off.
Oh, Brian,
put yours back on, man.
For real, amigo.
Do your sock laundry, yo.
-
-
Gentlemen,
assume your positions.
-
- Yeah.
Fire in the hole.
We found it on the corner
So when we say
- Bip
- Oxygen
- Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm--
- Oh, bip
Th-That's good
- Yo, who's on munchies tonight, yo ?
- Not me.
l guess that'd be me.
What do you guys want ?
Get some...
sour cream and onion chips...
with some dip, man.
Some beef jerky.
Some peanut butter.
Get some Haagen Dazs
ice cream bars. A whole lot.
Make sure chocolate.
Gotta have chocolate, man.
Some popcorn. Bread. Popcorn.
Graham crackers.
Graham crackers with the marshmallows,
the little marshmallows.
And little chocolate bars.
We'll make some smores, man.
Yeah, that's what
l was sayin', yo.
Also celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch
with the little crunch berries.
Pizzas.
We need two big pizzas, man.
Everything on 'em.
With water, whole lot of water.
And... Funyuns.
Yeah.
- That's it ?
- Yeah.
- Anything else ?
- Oh, yeah.
Get me a box of condoms,
and, um, what's that stuff ?
We used to eat it all the time
back in the day.
- Pussy. That's right.
- You got it.
- Thanks, man.
- Hey, hey !
lf l'm not back in ten minutes,
call the police.
lf he ain't back
in ten minutes,
we callin' Domino's.
- l'm hungry, man.
- All right, yo.
-
- Hey, girl.
- You hungry ?
- Fuck you, nigger !
-
- Hey, l'm sorry.
l was talkin' to the horse.
See the trouble
you're gettin' me into ?
You're hungry,
aren't ya ? Here.
You like popcorn.
lt makes your teeth go
pop, pop, pop.
This is Buster Phillips, and coming
in at number eight, like El Nino,
''Samson Gets Me Lifted,'' by my
main man-- Who ? Sir Smoka Lot.
Ha !
This guy is weed crazy.
Look at that.
- What do you want, Master ?
- Bitch, you know what l want.
l wanna talk to Samson
Fly me to the moon like
that bitch Alice Kramden
'Cause it's hard bein'
black and gifted
Sometimes l wanna throw it
all down and get lifted
-
- That is so cool, man.
- He got the same dealer as us.
- What you mean ?
- Samson.
- Oh, right.
Everybody knows in my neighborhood
it's the bestest around
Samson's shit is blessed
Got the whole town on lockdown
That's where
l want to live. Right there.
Think about this shit
please
- l'm all out.
-
l'm all out of food.
You ate it all.
Gee, you must've been
so hungry.
-
- Uh-oh.
Buttercup ! Buttercup !
l need
an ambulance, now ! Officer down.
l repeat:
Officer down !
What the hell
did you give my Buttercup ?
l just gave him some candy
and some chips...
and some pink popcorn
and some Funyuns--
This horse is a diabetic !
Buttercup. Buttercup.
Don't you leave me.
Breathe, Buttercup.
- Breathe.
- Breathe. Breathe.
Why ?
- Why ?
- Why ?
- You're under arrest.
- What ?
- You dumb son of a bitch !
- No !
l'm a-- l'm a peaceful man.
- l'm a schoolteacher !
- Shut up ! You're a cop killer.
Cop killer ?
l love horses.
- l love horses.
- l love horses.
- l love buttered stuff.
- Buttercup.
- Say it.
- Butter nuts.
- Cup. Cup.
- Cup. Cup.
Why must you rage ?
Stop the hate, child.
Bail is set at one million
dollars for the crime of killing
an officer of the law.
And may God have mercy
on your soul, young man.
- Court is adjourned.
-
Back to your cells. Lockdown.
Good night, Fish.
Fish ! Fish ! Fish ! Fish ! Fish !
- My weed's wearing off.
-
- Guess who ?
- Yo. Psst. Thurgood.
-
-
- Hey, nigger, what time is it ?
- lt's 8:30.
Kenny didn't come home last night.
We are worried, man.
- Word, yo.
- Where the hell is he ?
Did he just move ?
Kenny called. He's in jail.
He didn't leave
a number.
Sincerely,
The Guy on the couch.
Come on, guys. We gotta get Kenny
out of jail, man.
Hey, Kenny. How they
treatin' you in there ?
Let's just say l'm not gettin'
the respect a cop killer deserves.
All right, time's up.
l was up all night
getting harassed.
- Hi, there, Fish.
- See what l mean ?
l think they're mistakin'
my kindness for weakness. l'm scared.
Hey, Kenny, we're gonna get you
out of there, man.
All we gotta do is raise ten percent
of one million, yo.
- Which, by our calculations--
- ls fucking impossible, man !
Hey !
Sorry, man. l'm sorry.
All my life,
l did everything right.
l never screwed up.
l fed the horse.
l didn't know it was a diabetic.
l'm scared.
Kenny, stop crying.
Stop crying, Kenny. Look at me.
Come on. Don't let them
see you cry in there.
- Come on, man. Show me your mean face.
- No.
Yes, show me
your mean face, Kenny.
-
- That's good.
l mean, work on it a little bit,
but it's good.
-
- Kenny, how long
can you make it in there ?
l don't know.
Maybe 5:00... 6:30.
Come on, man. lt's gotta be
a little longer than that.
But-But-- But we'll get you out,
right, guys ?
- Yeah, you're out. You're out of here.
- Free as a bird.
Number nine, time's up !
- Time's up, number nine.
- That's me.
Let's go.
l love you guys.
Have fun, Ken.
Weed out there, yo.
He looked all right, man.
They gonna kill
him in there, yo.
Hey, lady.
Miss, is this your purse ?
- Yes.
- l'm sexy.
l'm a scholar.
- People like me.
- Give it to me.
- Bye.
- Hey, where you goin' ?
- l'm leaving.
- Well, uh, can l leave with ya ?
Follow me.
And your name is ?
- Mary Jane.
- Really ?
Yes. So what's up
with this ?
- ls that your work uniform ?
- Nah, this is my costume.
Tomorrow l'll be a cowboy,
the day after that an lndian.
Every day of the week, l dress up
like a different Village Person.
lt's a thing l'm into.
Nah, l'm a custodian.
So, what are you here for ?
- Possession of narcotics.
- Wow.
- My father's a drug dealer.
- Wow, that must've been the shit.
- lt ruined his life.
- That must've been shitty.
l don't do drugs.
Drugs make me sick.
They're bad for your body.
Up with hope, down with dope.
Thurgood. Come on, man.
We gotta go.
Get on the train.
Toke up before we go to work.
-
- Yo, let's go, B.
- What are you doing, man ?
- Bouncy. Body.
ls that Prell ?
Do you use Prell ?
Yeah. That's what
l'm talkin' about.
Hey, guys. Meet Mary Jane.
That's what he's sayin'.
We wanna burn one.
No, no.
This is Mary Jane.
Meet her. Say hello to her.
Shake her hand even.
- Oh, my fault. What's up ?
- Hi.
- All right.
- Hey.
Listen, do you guys need a ride ?
l have a car.
- You don't have to take the subway.
- Wow, you smoke ?
- No, my grandmother died
of lung cancer.
- l'm sorry to hear that.
Well, that's all the more
reason to toke up, man. Ease the pain.
Ah ! What l'm talkin' about.
You know, l think what they're tryin'
to say is we'd love a ride home.
Great.
- What the hell's wrong with y'all ?
- She looked good.
- Mary Jane ! What is that about, man ?
- l hate y'all.
Shotgun !
- Hey, thanks for this ride.
We really appreciate it.
- Sure.
Guys, shut up about the weed
for two seconds. l don't want
this girl to know l smoke.
Yeah, it's bad enough
you're a janitor, yo.
Custodian, dick.
- Hey !
- Hey.
lt's really real
lt's really real
Said they're lookin'
for brains, guts, looks and skills
- Step on up if you think
you fit the bill
- Yeah
l know what you look like
but looks can be deceivin'
Let me check the brain
so l can justify the reason
- Yeah
- Mister
-
- This good for ya ?
Could you drop me
in the lobby ? lt's perfect.
l could feel
she wanted me to say something.
l had to make my move
while the guys were asleep.
l'm real bad at this, but you think
sometime we could get together,
maybe go out for some ice cream
or something ?
- Motherfucker said, ''ice cream'' !
-
- Damn.
- Okay !
- All the boys in the car
need to get out.
- Such a dork, man.
- l'm talkin' to you.
- Thanks a lot, fellas.
- Thanks for the ride.
- Thurgood !
- l knew it !
- You forgot your hat.
l knew it.
You know, l might've came on too strong
with the whole ice cream thing.
Let me just give you my number.
ls that cool ?
- Okay.
- All right.
Now, don't call too late, 'cause you
know l be strippin' in the evenings.
Joking !
Here you go.
You can call me anytime you want.
- Maybe.
- ''Maybe'' is an acceptable answer.
lt's that ''no'' thing that gets me.
Maybe l'll hear from you.
- Bye.
- Be thinkin' about you.
Dr. Kablecki,
please report to Clinical Studies.
Dr. Kablecki.
Janitor ? Janitor ?
Aaah !
Sorry about that.
What is it, scientist ?
Could you, uh-- l know this
isn't your responsibility,
but would you be a dear and run
this down to the supply department ?
- lt's on the second floor.
- Just run this down ?
Yes. But make sure you bring
the order right back to me.
l need it A.S.A.P.
Got ya. l know this
isn't your responsibility,
but mop the rest of this shit up.
l'll be right back.
What it smell like ? Smell like--
No.
No. l smell weed, man.
Hey. Here you go.
- This all you need ?
- l guess. l don't know.
- Just a sec.
- Okay.
Damn.
Either someone's having a party, or
somebody gotta do their shirt laundry.
-
- Here you go.
One pound of marijuana,
and you can sign for it right here.
l-- l sign for this,
and it's mine ?
And l take it ?
Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Some good shit.
Oh, thank you, thank you,
thank... you.
Look, here's-- here's a little
something for your troubles.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Shh !
Let's not tell anyone
about it, okay ?
Sure. Shh.
Hey, why didn't you tell me
you were into this shit ?
- We could've been hangin' out
months ago.
- No, no, no.
The Food and Drug Administration are
having us do a study to determine what,
if any, are the medicinal purposes
of marijuana.
Mmm. Wow.
lf you ever need
a guinea pig, let me know.
My grandfather was
in the Tuskegee experiments.
Oh, really ?
Anyway, thank you,
janitor. Enjoy.
Thank you, scientist.
Got any papers ?
No cocktail party would be
complete without the ice plant.
Hey, fellas.
What's goin' on ?
- What's up ?
- Nothin', man.
Bummin', thinkin' about Kenny.
Yeah.
l got some weed at work today,
if y'all wanna try it out.
Nah, yo. We don't feel like
smokin' right now.
Me neither. Me neither.
- So, y'all want to smoke ?
- l'll get Billy Bong Thornton.
- That's what l'm talkin' about.
- No, Scarface.
No Billy Bong Thornton
without Kenny.
That would not be right, man.
Use Wesley Pipes. Yeah.
Man, they got whole bunch
of this stuff at work.
One of those scientists
gave it to me.
Ain't tried the shit out yet,
but it smells like the bomb.
- All right.
- Yeah, man. Yeah.
l'll do the honors.
- Excuse me.
- Please do.
Yo, this shit
must be good, B.
My man ain't coughed like
that since back in the day.
You sure l should
do this, man ?
Oh, yeah. That shit made
my head hot.
Oh, man.
Pass it this way.
Don't break the cipher.
Oh-- hold it.
l gotta give The Guy some of this.
The Guy gotta taste this.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Guy.
Hey, man. Sorry to wake you,
but you gotta try this.
l'm takin' it slow, man.
Hey, who's
on munchies tonight ?
We should make
that lazy bitch, The Guy, go.
For real. l don't know about y'all,
but l can't even move.
Real, B, right ?
lt's like
l feel stuck here, yo.
l'm glued to the floor.
You guys feel
like you're floating ?
Yeah. Yeah.
- Wanna go outside ?
- Yeah.
l don't need to
tell you this, but this weed was...
the shiz-nittle-bam
snip-snap-sack !
- Look !
- Wow, look at that !
Hey, you guys.
Let's go check in
on Kenny, huh ?
You're not a fish. You're a man.
You're not a fish.
You're a man.
Where did that come from ?
We've really gotta get
this guy out of jail.
You walk around
on both legs, homo erectus !
Did l say ''homo'' ?
l didn't mean that !
Thurgood !
Thurgood !
l got it ! l know how
we could get Kenny out.
- How ?
- Weed, man.
We'll sell weed.
Man, you can't up
and decide to sell weed.
You gotta know people to plug you
into that kind of thing.
- l do !
- Who you know ?
- You, yo.
- Me ?
What, you think l can just walk in
and take this shit ?
l gotta-- l gotta get
a form from a scientist.
Well, how hard can it be, man ?
There's gotta be forms laying around.
l mean,
they are scientists.
What the fuck
are you talkin' about, man ?
Look, l'm not stealin' weed.
We are not sellin' weed.
We are three
reasonably bright young men.
- Bully, man.
- Word, yo.
There has got to be a legitimate way
to come up with this money.
We just gotta think.
That's all that is.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Wait. Wait.
l think l got an idea.
Why don't we sell that shit
we smoked the other night, yo ?
- Yeah.
- You suggested that already.
- For real, B ?
-
Marijuana affects the memory.
lt won't take us
hardly any time, B.
- Too risky, man.
- Stop bein' such a wussy, yo.
- What other choice do we have, right ?
- Yeah.
Okay, fine. Fine.
We'll do it.
- Yeah.
- Gonna do it till Kenny's out,
and we're done.
We're not drug dealers.
We're fund-raisers.
- Of course, B.
- Bully, man.
Okay.
Scarface, lay it
on me, brother.
Check it out, yo.
lt's like this.
Scarface's plan wasn't that bad.
- Hey, good night, Mike.
- See you tomorrow.
Good night.
All l had to do was get forms from that
scientist that kept calling me janitor,
forge one of the forms and put
the order in like l did before.
- Thank you.
- Then we scraped together
what little money we had...
and bought bikes
to help us move the product,
then stapled samples of our weed
on the back of our business cards.
Then we called the company Mr. Nice Guy
in honor of our friend Kenny.
Hey, uh, you guys believe
in angels or--
Man, give me
your fruit cocktail.
Well, l can't.
lf l did that, then l'd have
to give it to you every day,
and l won't get
all my vitamins.
- Do you know who you're dealing with ?
- Chill, Nasty Nate.
He's my bitch. Anybody gonna
stab him, it's gonna be me.
You got a problem with that ?
Watch your back, Fish, 'cause
Squirrel Master ain't gonna be
there for you all the time.
'Cause next time l come for you,
l'm gonna want some cocktail-- fruit.
Take it.
l'm somebody's bitch.
You guys gotta do something.
There's this guy Nasty Nate
who's after my cocktail fruit,
and everyone here
likes fresh fish.
And then the Squirrel Master came out
of left field and told me l'm his bitch.
- Help !
- Ken, listen. We got a plan.
- What is it ?
- lt's not the most honest plan.
You might not like it.
- We gonna sell weed, yo.
- Yeah, great. Weed. Good. Go.
- All right, man.
- Go !
No more window love.
Go and sell it.
We figured the best way to
spread the word was to hit the streets.
And hit the streets we did.
- Mary Jane
- How y'all feel about Mary Jane
- Y'all don't know about Mary Jane
- Mary Jane
So listen to what they say
'cause Mary never could trip
Mary very, very necessary
Extraordinary bein' Mary
To the mortuary, One kiss from
her sweet lips and out come a-vision
-
- Three for dinner.
Smoke that
and get back to us.
Mr. Nice Guy has arrived, baby.
He's on.
- All right.
- l'm in love with Mary Jane
l'm not the only one
- Oh, yes.
- Mary likes to play around
Look at all these people !
All right, guys. Be quick.
Let's just do this and get out of here.
- Let's go, man.
- Let's go.
- lt's money.
Mary likes to spread her love
And turn my head around
l'm in love with Mary Jane
She is my main thing
She make me feel all right
- She make my heart sing
- All right, how'd you guys make out ?
- Good. l'm all out of cards, B.
- Me too.
That would make three of us.
All right.
We did our part, right ?
l just hope they smoke it.
- lf you love me, Mary Jane
- Mary Jane
We're talkin' about Mary Jane
How y'all feel about Mary Jane
- Mary Jane
- She's my main thing
- We're talkin' about Mary Jane
- Damn, this weed is good.
- Y'all don't know about Mary Jane
- Mary Jane
She make my heart sing
- This is so--
- We are in business, man.
- Hold on. Hold on.
-
- Mr. Nice Guy.
- Oh, l may have the wrong number.
Um, is Thurgood around ?
- Speaking.
- Oh, hey, hey. lt's Mary Jane.
Do you remember ? l gave you
a ride home from prison ?
Well, could you be
a little more specific ?
l get so many rides home
from prison.
That was a joke.
Oh.
What happened ? l didn't think
you were gonna call me.
Well, l wasn't, but then l decided
l don't care what my friends think.
See, that was a joke.
Get it ?
- A little joke.
- Not funny.
So, you wanna
get together ?
Okay. Sure. When ?
How 'bout right now ? Just meet me
at the place you dropped us off at.
Okay. Can you give me
half an hour ?
- Yeah, half an hour's cool.
- Great.
- All right. Okay.
- l'll see you there.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
l've got a date with Mary Jane !
- Word, yo ?
- Yes !
- All right, man.
- Y'all got money ?
The date couldn't
have come at a worse time.
l was flat broke.
All my money was tied up
in our drug-dealing venture.
l only had eight bucks.
This was gonna take some careful
budgeting and maneuvering.
- Hey.
- Watch the master at work.
- You look great. You look wonderful.
- Thank you.
You know what ? l was thinkin'
it's so nice out,
wanna go for a walk ?
Yeah, sure.
We can go for a walk.
Good. Good. Let's.
So far, so good.
Three hours and 14 miles later,
l hadn't spent one penny.
Damn, l was good !
- And then it happened.
- l'm hungry too.
- Hey, you wanna
eat at the Happy Palace ?
- Uh, how 'bout a hot dog, huh ?
- Hey, what luck.
- Hot dog.
- Hey, what can l get you ?
- Could l have a hot dog
with ketchup and sauerkraut ?
- Sauerkraut's 50 cents extra.
- Damn !
l've not had a hot dog
in so long.
- Come on. Let's get out of here.
- Anything to drink ?
- You son of a bitch !
- Yes. Could l have a Pepsi, please ?
- Anything for you, sir ?
- No. l'm fine. Thank you.
- Greedy bastard !
- Didn't you promise me
ice cream the other day ?
l know a really
good place uptown.
Great. Let's hoof it.
Um, do you mind if we take
a cab this time ?
Sure.
Thanks a lot, buddy.
You should be happy
with the tip l gave you. Damn.
- You should be kissing my ass.
- You guys are greedy.
Best ice cream in town.
- Spare change for some food ?
- Oh.
- Don't mind if l do.
- Thanks, young brother.
No, thank you.
- Mmm. Mmm-mmm.
- Yeah, l mean, l do miss my dad.
But... he deserves
to be where he is.
Drug dealers belong
in jail.
Yeah. Yeah, wow.
Yeah. Um, how long
he been in there ?
- Four years next month.
- Four years.
- And what exactly was he sellin' ?
- Marijuana.
Four years
just for weed ? Damn !
Just ? No, no, no, no.
Not just.
Marijuana is terrible.
lt's a gateway drug.
l mean, everybody knows
that it leads to other stuff.
Yeah, mostly junk food.
You don't smoke weed, do you ?
Come on, Mary Jane.
l mean, do l look like somebody
that would smoke... marijuana ?
So you swear you don't ?
Yeah, sure.
Okay, well, swear on this banana split
that you don't do marijuana.
What ? Oh, my God.
Do you swear ?
Yes, Mary Jane. l swear.
That you got pretty eyes.
That's good.
That's real good.
l got some booty. l got some booty.
l got some booty.
lt was really good too.
Ooh, she was a giver,
a caring nurturer.
She held me in her arms, and it was
like l was 15 years old all over again.
- l was hooked on Mary Jane.
-
The next mornin' the phones blew up like
we were havin' a fuckin' telethon, man.
Everybody in New York was callin'
to get down with Mr. Nice Guy.
We met all kinds of customers,
like this guy here.
He's what we call
an enhancement smoker,
'cause he thinks marijuana
makes every activity that much better.
- Mi casa es su casa.
- Observe.
- You're Scarface, right ?
- Yeah.
l love Al Pacino, man.
- Did you ever see Scent of a Woman ?
- Yep.
Did you ever see
Scent of a Woman... on weed ?
That's the way to see it, man !
lt's just whacked ! Pow !
- Sixty bucks, yo.
- That's cool, man.
l got it. l got it.
- Did you ever see
the back of a $20 bill, man ?
- Man, l don't know, yo.
Did you ever see the back
of a $20 bill... on weed ?
Oh, there's some weird shit
in there, man !
There's a dude sittin' in the bushes.
Does he have a gun ?
l don't know, man.
What ? What ?
Red team go. Red team go.
- Just some weird shit, man.
- Man, you're fuckin' crazy, yo.
- Take your shit.
- No, that's cool. Thanks, man.
Hey, yo, wait ! Dude, l'm gonna
check out the stars later.
lt's really trippy.
Especially on weed, man.
A scavenger smoker is
someone who never has weed of their own.
But as soon as you smoke it,
here they come.
- Damn !
- What up ?
- Man !
What's up, dogs ? Scoot over.
Let me get in here, man.
- What y'all doin'?
- Nothin'.
- Nothin'?
- Yeah, just chillin'.
What's the matter ?
Let me inhale it. Let me have some.
All right, man.
Just one hit, you scavenger.
Always come around.
Can't even smoke weed
in peace.
l ain't even into the
motherfucker yet. Back up, brother.
You know we sell this ?
l don't know if you knew that.
lt's too bad, man.
l just stopped smokin' yesterday.
l'm gonna get up out of here.
Y'all stay up, now. Nice seeing y'all.
- Yeah. Look at that shit.
- Man.
Then there's the ''You
Should've Been There'' smoker.
They love talkin' about the old days,
back when weed was grass.
Hell, back in the '60s, we used to
smoke that shit on the street.
Cops didn't say nothin'.
Hell, they was gettin' high too.
Everybody was doin' it.
- Mm.
- lt wasn't the thing to do because
it was the thing to do, you know ?
lt was the thing to do
because it got you high.
- Can you dig ?
- l feel ya. That's why l'm doin' it.
l feel it. Man, you're cool
as shit, mister.
l hate to do it, but l gotta
charge you. That's 60 bucks.
- Sixty bucks ?
- Yeah.
Man, l remember when a dime bag
cost a dime, you know what l mean ?
- You know how much condoms
used to cost in them days ?
- How much ?
l don't know.
l-- We never used 'em.
We call this kid
the ''After School Special'' smoker.
He spends all
of his allowance on reefer.
Thanks, little buddy.
Now, in the next room, his father,
an ''l'm 40, But l'm Still Cool'' smoker,
is tokin' up, trying to figure
out a way to bond with his son.
lsn't that ironic ?
Don't you think ?
'Course across town, the kid's Nana's
smokin' up, tryin' to ease her glaucoma.
And it's good
for arthritis too.
- We made over 20 grand
that first week, man.
-
And because we were stealin' the weed,
not buyin' it, it was all profit.
But if we were gonna save Kenny,
we had to deliver full-time.
Scarface quit his job.
Still waiting
on that Heifer, Julio.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
Fuck you. You're cool.
And fuck you. l'm out !
Brian was gonna quit,
but they fired him before he could.
Don't worry. Don't worry.
l'm not gonna do what
everyone thinks l'm gonna do:
Flip out, man !
All l wanna know is:
who's comin' with me ?
Who's comin', man ?
Who's comin' with me ?
Huh ? Who's comin' with me, man ?
- l will.
- Jan.
Thank you, Jan. Yeah.
That's what
l'm talkin' about.
Bully, man. Yeah.
Jan, will you be
my girlfriend ?
l would... but l'm gay,
you know ?
- Ohh.
- l'm a big dyke.
What's that like ?
-
- Thank you for calling.
Thank you very much. Bye-bye.
We had to hire that girl Jan
'cause she followed Brian.
- But it actually worked out.
- Mr. Nice Guy.
She was more organized than we were,
and she was willing to work for weed.
All right, then.
Mr. Nice Guy
was blowin' up, man.
We got customers
from all over New York.
- We even stole a few from Samson.
-
Oh, what's up, nigger ?
Come on in, man.
Come on, weed man.
Thanks, baby.
Get on. Beat it.
You're scarin' him.
Ha ! Sir Smoka Lot.
- What can l get you today, Smoka Lot ?
- Love weed.
Um, let me get a pound
of your sweetest chiva.
Damn. Yes ! Somethin' told me
to bring a lot of weed, man.
Aw, shit. Pound
of my sweetest chiva.
- Don't get no better than that.
- Can smell it through the bag.
That's gonna be
Let's see what l got here.
Come on, man. Hang out
for a minute. Smoke with me.
l got weed. l got my bong out.
Come on, son.
For you, man,
l'll stay for a minute.
But then l gotta be--
gotta be goin'.
l understand.
And Smoka Lot opened up to me like l
was Barbara Walters. lt was ridiculous.
- He told me about his lawyer.
- He had sex with my mama ! Why ?
- His spirituality.
- God, if you listenin'... help !
- His bad back.
- Doctor said l need a backeotomy.
- His love life.
- l'm impotent, man.
Get away from me, bitch !
-l mean, talk about a guy with problems.
-Tough break.
- l can't take it no more.
- No wonder he smokes a pound a week.
- Somebody ?
- So now we had a famous clientele and--
Greeneyes gonna miss ya.
- And guess what else ?
- Call me next week...
about weed, about weed.
l got more booty !
l got more booty !
l don't mean
to rub it in, folks.
lt's just that, you know,
l liked this so much, man.
When l was with her,
l didn't even think about weed.
- Didn't have to.
- Bye.
- She was all the Mary Jane l needed.
-
When l was young
l never needed anyone
Makin' love
was just for fun
Those days are gone
All by myself
What did l tell you, Nate ?
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on, Nate.
-
- He had to stay vigilant.
- Wash off your han--
- Kenny's butthole
was in constant jeopardy.
- But we were makin' money.
- Hey, what's up, mates ?
- What's up, man ?
- What's up, boy ?
- What's up, yo ?
- Nada. l'm just chillin'.
Hey, guys. Why is there a dog
biting The Guy ?
- 'Cause l bought a dog, B.
- Bought a dog ?
- For how much ?
- Oh, it's cool. Yo, he's used.
lncluding the house,
it was only 250, yo.
You spent $250
on a used dog ?
And a dog house, yo.
Brian bought something too.
For $400, l got Jerry Garcia
in a pouch, man.
- Who the hell told you that ?
- The guy who sold it to me.
Barry Garcia.
And what he's supposed to be ?
Jerry Garcia's brother ?
No. Actually,
it's Andy Garcia's brother.
Why the hell
are you guys spendin' money ?
We're not drug dealers, remember ?
- We're fund-raisers.
- Well, you said you gave
Mary Jane a pearl necklace.
- How much did that cost, man ?
- Ah.
You know, obviously you missed
the point of that story, Brian.
- Come on, guys. Return this shit.
- We can't, yo.
- Why am l tellin' Mary Jane
l don't have any money ?
- 'Cause you're a fibber.
No, because we don't
have any money.
The money we do have
is not for spending.
lt's for saving Kenny's
sweet virgin ass, man !
lf you guys spend one more dime,
l swear l will bitch-slap you.
Gimme that.
Sorry for yelling.
But l'm serious.
We gotta start
bein' more responsible and focused.
All right ? Let's be sharp.
Scarface, your dog is mean, man.
l know, all right.
Somebody gotta do somethin'
about this shit right now.
Mmm. Come here, doggie.
- Hey, little fella. Smell it ?
-
Hey ! Smell it.
Okay. All right. Mm.
- Good boy.
-
- He likes it.
- He loves it, man.
- Of course he loves it.
- Yeah, your paws are tingling,
aren't they ?
- Now you're one of us.
-
- Get it, Killer.
-
- He likes it, yo.
- Yeah, man,
he really likes it.
- Good for you, man.
- Man, what did you guys do to him, yo ?
- Nothin', man.
- Yo, Killer. Kill ! Killer, kill !
This weed is fantastic !
We kept pluggin' away
with the weed deliveries,
and we kept meetin' different kinds
of smokers, like this lady.
- She's an ''l'm Only Creative
lf l Smoke'' smoker.
- Hi.
She believes weed, and only weed,
brings out the artist in her.
- Would you like to hear
some of my poetry ?
- Not really.
You really should.
l have killed.
l have helped kill.
l have killed part of myself.
l cannot change this, l.
l must seek Buddha.
l must seek Christ.
You must seek therapy. That's what
l would go with, but that's my own--
The MacGyver smoker
is a very handy guy to have around,
especially when it comes
to reefer.
Hey, man,
we're out of papers.
All right. Then get me a toilet paper
roll, a corkscrew and some tin foil.
We don't have a corkscrew.
All right. Then get me an avocado,
an ice pick and my snorkel.
Trust me, bro.
l've made bongs with less. Hurry up !
- And then you got
your straight-up potheads.
- Ooh !
You can spot these people
by their lack of motivation,
mood swings, forgetfulness and,
of course, the dreaded low sperm count.
l don't know
which one of these categories
we fall into, but l'll tell you this:
We ain't no goddamn potheads.
Hmm.
Shit.
Then you have
the avid nonsmoker.
A lot of times they'll get
your number accidentally
from one of their girlfriends,
call up and place an order
knowing they don't smoke weed...
and request
that you personally deliver it.
Then when you get there, they're
all mad that it's you sellin' weed.
You smoke weed ? At last
we can share everything.
Get off me, you lying
son of a bitch ! What is this ?
Looks like some sort
of a business card.
Yeah, with your number on it.
You know, l can't believe this !
l can't believe that l fell for another
one of you lowlife assholes again.
- God, what is wrong with me ?
- Hey--
Hey, Mary Jane, l can explain
everything, all right ?
- Good-bye, Thurgood.
- Wait ! Hold up !
Hey, Mary Jane !
Mary Jane, look, the only reason
l lied to you was because l like you...
and l wanted
to be with you.
Mary Jane.
Knight Rider.
A shadowy flight
into the dangerous world...
of a man who does not exist.
Thurgood, why the long face, man?
- Mary Jane dumped me.
- Shh. Quiet down, yo.
- Sir Smoka Lot's on TV.
- Cecil ?
When life is hard, l pick up
that card with the smiley face
- Call him over to my place
-
Box it
Man, it gets you high
-
- And that's
when things started going wrong.
Samson, it looks like somebody
is cuttin' into your business, baby.
- Shit.
- Do you like what you see, Samson ?
Do l look like
l like what l see ?
Who is this
Mr. Nice Guy ?
l would imagine he's
some sort of drug dealer.
Go get me this Mr. Nice Guy.
- l wanna sit him down
and ask him some questions.
-
- Hey, Squirrel Master.
- Kenny.
Listen, uh, l, uh,
just wanted to say thank you...
for protecting me back there.
- We didn't mind.
Huh ? Did we, Fuzzy Nuts ?
-
l hope there's some way l can pay
you back when we get on the outside.
You better hurry up.
l get out in 11 days.
ls that right ?
Kenny, 11 days ?
That seems a little stiff, man.
Eleven days, Thurgood,
l'm as good as skewered.
Ever take your clothes off
and run backwards through a cornfield ?
- Ooh.
- Hurry, Thurgood.
l'm countin' on you, man !
Please ! Please !
Eleven days wasn't
gonna give us much time.
We really had to hustle, and
that meant takin' on new customers.
Damn, B ! l been set up.
We'll get back to that in a second.
But meanwhile l hadn't seen
Mary Jane in, like, a week.
l couldn't stop thinkin'
about her, man. l missed her.
Then l started thinkin' about
the fact that she was the only
girl l slept with in five years.
Then l started thinkin' about the girl
l slept with before Mary Jane.
l had to get Mary Jane back.
-
- What do you want ?
l want you back, Mary Jane.
l miss you. l'll do whatever
it takes to get you back.
l can't quit sellin' it yet,
but l'll quit smokin' it.
lf that's what you want, then--
then l'll change for you.
- Heard that before.
- Said that before.
But this time l mean it. l'm gonna
come back here. l'm gonna be clean.
l'm gonna be sober.
There's no more weed, no more nothin'.
Mary Jane, you'll see.
l'll be back. l'll be a changed man.
There's a new
Thurgood Jenkins today.
l love you.
Man, that first day
of sobriety sucked.
And l realized something:
l was a real irritable guy
when l wasn't smokin' marijuana.
l couldn't stop thinkin'
about gettin' high.
lt was time to get help.
Hi, everyone.
My name is Thurgood.
- Hi, Thurgood.
- Hi.
l'm here today because
l'm addicted... to marijuana.
-
- You in here because of marijuana ?
Marijuana ?
Man, this is some bullshit !
Marijuana is not a drug.
- l used to suck dick for coke.
- l seen him !
And that's an addiction, man.
- You ever suck dick for marijuana ?
- Huh ?
- No. No, l can't say l have.
- l didn't think so.
- Boo this man !
- Boo !
No.
No !
No !
Devil man.
Devil-- 666--
The mark of the beast !
No ! Naughty !
Naughty jungle of love !
- The man is serious.
- Calm down. How serious can it be ?
He wants to see Mr. Nice Guy.
He told me.
Oh, man.
No, yo !
They killed Killer, B !
Yo, Samson did this, man.
Yo, he killed Killer, man.
- Hey.
- He killed--
l'm gonna call Brian.
- Let's just give him
a proper burial, all right ?
-
l'm sorry, man.
Jesus Christ.
- Oh ! l'm sorry.
- Watch it, man !
You stepped on his head !
l'm sorry.
l didn't even see him.
l gotta smoke.
l have got to smoke.
-
- What happened, man ?
You wanna know what happened ?
l'll tell you what happened.
Samson and his girls
came rollin' up in here lookin' for me.
They was gonna mess me up
if l didn't bring them Mr. Nice Guy.
So they probably
roughed the Guy up,
then they started
goin' to war with the apartment.
They had num-chuks, bolos.
They be doin' lndian burns.
Killer paid the price, yo.
He got the wrath. He got
the wrath of the num-chuks, yo.
l think it's more complex
than that.
- More complex than that ?
- You know what l think happened ?
You want to hear
what l think, man ?
First of all, to understand
what happened to Killer,
you gotta understand
who Killer the dog was.
Now, Killer was born
to a three-legged bitch mother.
He was always
ashamed of this, man.
And right after that, he's adopted
by this man, Tito Liebowitz.
He's a small-time gunrunner...
and, uh,
rottweiler fight promoter.
So he puts Killer into training.
They see Killer's good.
He is damn good.
But then he had
the fight of his life.
They pit him against
his brother Nibbles.
And Killer said, ''No, man, that's
my brother. l can't fight Nibbles !''
And he made 'em fight anyway.
And then Killer,
he killed Nibbles.
And Killer said, ''That's it.''
He called off all his fights, and he
started doing crack, and he freaked out.
And then in a rage,
he collapsed,
and his heart...
no longer beat.
Wow.
You know, uh,
l never thought l'd say
this to anybody,
but you two smoke
entirely too much reefer.
What if The Guy did it ?
No way. You think ?
Yo ?
Yo, The Guy,
did you kill my dog ?
l believe him, yo.
l don't know why, but l do.
Samson did this shit, yo.
Mr. Nice Guy,
Party Accessories.
Well, did you get
my message ?
- Who is this ?
- This is Samson, smarty-pants.
Operator with an
emergency breakthrough from your sister.
Samson, this is Sheila. Mama fell--
Shut up, bitch !
You tell Mr. Nice Guy
to get his Jamaican ass...
over to my place
at 3:00 tomorrow !
- Now, you don't want me to get ugly.
- No, sir.
- Shit.
- All right. l'll tell 'em.
Oh, my God.
We're in a lot of trouble.
Scarface, perhaps
you could help me.
Why do you think Samson thinks
that Mr. Nice Guy's a Jamaican ?
Oh, 'cause l told him
Mr. Nice Guy was Jamaican, yo.
- Why ?
- l just thought he sounded
Jamaican inside my head.
We're in a lot
of trouble, guys.
We have a meeting
with Samson tomorrow at 3:00.
Where are we gonna get a Jamaican ?
l'll pretend
l'm Jamaican, man.
Yeah.
You have smoked yourself
retarded.
Well, well, well,
if it isn't Mr. Nice Guy.
Welcome to my lair.
Well, now. Tell me
a little bit about yourself.
Well, you know, l be from
Jamaica, man. Lord have mercy.
What part of Jamaica ?
Right near the beach--
Boy
l think
you're bullshitting me.
Samson Simpson,
l stick by my story !
l'm from Jamaica.
lf l wasn't Jamaican, then why
would l wear this hat ? Hmm ?
Delilah,
get me 814.
What the fuck is 814 ?
Oh ! l'm sorry, y'all.
l don't want to be the first nigger
to die from a crossbow.
You know, l have been
lying to you.
l'm sorry.
Samson, l'm sorry. Okay ?
We-- We just started this
because our friend got locked up.
Brother, you know how that is.
We had to get him outta jail.
Now this
is what's gonna happen.
You make about 40,000,
Shit. l wish.
Well, l want half,
$20,000 a week,
or you're dead !
You understand ?
Twenty thousand seems fair.
That seems fair, right guys ? lt's fair.
Class dismissed.
Man, we are
in trouble, man.
Jerry, l really need
your help, man. Feel us--
Brian, will you stop praying to
a bag of sand, man ? Come on.
You heard the man. lf we don't
get this money, we're dead. All of us !
Yo, Thurgood, why don't you get your
boy, The Guy, to lend you some money ?
- You certainly let him
stay here long enough.
- Man, that's Brian's boy.
- l didn't let him stay here.
- l don't know him, man.
- Hey, what day is it ?
- Saturday.
-
- ls it January ?
No, man, it's August.
Oh, wow. August.
-
- Hey, l couldn't help
overhearing you guys.
You know, if you want to double
your profits, you should rob that lab.
Tomorrow's Sunday.
There'll be no one in there.
Just go in and rob
the place blind.
lt'll work, l promise you.
Hey, uh, seein' as how
we don't know who you are,
are you plannin'
on movin' out anytime soon ?
Thurgood, why don't you just
focus on one thing at a time ?
l'll be fine. The robbery
is what's important now.
Phase One is complete, yo.
-
- All right.
Now all we gotta do is go down this
hatch to the second-floor supply room.
Grab all the weed you can grab,
and we are outta here !
Sick, man !
This is it ?
Let's do it.
Watch your step.
- You didn't say nothin'
about no door, yo.
- Chill out, man.
l smoke weed here all the time.
This door's never locked.
-
- l didn't say the alarm would be off.
- l said it never locked.
- Well, hurry, yo !
You guys, wait up !
Oh.
-
- Hold up !
- lsn't that Thurgood, the custodian ?
- Yeah.
- Want me to call the cops ?
- No. This is too much fun.
Right over here !
Come on !
l hope there's some left.
Maui Wowie !
l never seen this much weed
in my life ! Let's go !
- Come on, man !
-
Get down on your knees with
your hands behind your head.
Yo, l'm gonna make
a run for it, B.
Just get down, man.
At least Brian
got away, yo.
Whoa ! My nads ! Oh !
Hey, thank God, man !
Get down on your knees with
your hands behind your head !
Move in.
Breaking and entering.
You got me ?
Open and shut.
l say we book 'em.
You got me ? We book 'em.
Hey, wait a minute, guys.
lt's not open and shut.
What do you guys do for a living ?
- l'm a detective.
- Yeah, we're detectives.
Oh. Okay then, detect.
Ask us somethin'.
- What do you know about this
new Jamaican, this Mr. Nice Guy ?
- Yeah.
Aw, shit, yo.
Well, l heard he's got great weed,
but that's neither here nor there.
- l mean, we can't bring him down.
- Crazy.
But we can
bring you Samson.
Just ask me how. Ask me !
How are you gonna
bring Samson down ?
We got a meeting with him
in a couple days.
l'll wear a wire. Hmm ?
All right, listen to me.
There's $30,000 in this knapsack.
When you get in there,
give him the 20 grand you owe him,
and with the remaining ten,
buy whatever narcotics he's got around.
You got me ?
You paying attention ?
No. Sorry, man.
Unless you say out loud what it
is you're buying, we got nothin'.
So make sure that you say it, and make
sure that you get Samson to say it.
- No codes. No slang.
- Yeah.
As soon as you got the stuff,
or if anything goes wrong,
say the phrase, ''Abracadabra.''
- Abracadabra.
- Abracadabra ?
- Okay. Okay.
- Make sure that you are relaxed.
And just act
completely normal.
- That's gonna be a problem.
- What do you mean ?
l mean we haven't smoked
any weed today, man.
lf the three of us go in there
all clear-eyed, Samson
is gonna know somethin's up.
Well, if you think
it's gonna help.
Yeah. Yeah, l think that's
gonna help. You got a light ?
Mmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
-
- Thanks, Officer.
l just wanna say,
that was a great idea,
Thurgood.
- Wow. l mean, where do you even--
- Just smoke it, yo !
lf somethin' happens to us,
could you--
could you give this letter
to Mary Jane Potman ?
Sure thing, kid.
And-- And tell our friend Kenny Davis
we love him. He's in prison.
- Let's go. Come on.
- All right. Let's move.
Just remember to speak clearly.
- Get him to say what he's sellin' you.
- Yeah.
lt ain't always good...
to get high before you have
important things to do.
Lucky for us,
the cops had our backs.
- Hello, boys.
- Hi, Samson.
So... where's the money ?
Right here in my bag.
Um, Samson, can l
ask you a question ?
Go ahead.
Do you know where we can score
some cocaine ?
- You want some candy ?
- Uh, no, thanks.
But it'd be great
if we can get some cocaine.
-
- What's so funny ?
Those guys--
Those guys are doomed !
l can't feel my hands !
l-- l can feel them.
What we have here...
is some Columbian heaven.
Pure cocaine.
- Candy makes you dandy.
- Hmm.
This is all the cocaine
we get for ten G's, B ?
- We have other product.
- Oh, like more cocaine ?
And that is ?
Fine China. Babaloo.
- Looks like heroin to me, yo.
- Yeah. ls that heroin ?
You've got to be the dumbest dealers
in the history of the dope game.
You mean the game
that you run, yo ?
- Good.
- Just call me Jesse Owens.
Jesse, can we get some cocaine
and get the hell outta here ?
- Okay.
- Can l buy some of your heroin too ?
- Okay.
-
All right. All right.
lt's been a pleasure
doing business with you.
Thank you very much for the heroin
and the cocaine. Here's your money.
All right.
Abracadabra.
Yeah, man !
Abracadabra.
''You're all the Mary Jane
l'll ever need.''
- Abracadabra, yo !
- Oh, abracadabra, man.
- Abracadabra.
- Boy, why do you keep saying that ?
What ? Abracadabra ?
Yes. Abracadabra.
lt's the latest thing.
All the kids are saying it, all right ?
- Abracadabra, my brother.
- What's up ? Abracadabra.
- Abracadabra.
- Slim, take off your shirt.
Samson, Samson,
l hardly know you.
- Ladies.
- Abracadabra.
- Abracadabra, man !
- Abracadabra, yo !
Abracadabra ! Abra--
You're dead ! All of you !
Hey, fellas,
let's beat these bitches !
Let's work it out.
Oh, yo, your titty.
- Now, that's a titty.
- Fully, man.
That is an official fully.
Aah !
-These are mean people. Mean, mean, man.
-Look out !
This is for Killer, B.
-
- Surprise, surprise, surprise.
Look who's walkin'.
Nigger, l thought
you said you was crippled.
Well, sweet pea,
we're all crippled in some way.
- Put it down !
- You win.
Now...
this is the way
it's gonna work.
l'm gonna take your little
Mexican friend with me,
and l'm gonna kill him.
- l'm Cuban, B.
- Yes, Cuban B.
- Now is there anything you want
to say to your friends ?
- Jerry, we need you.
Abracadabra, B !
Oh, man !
Oh, wow.
Sucks to be you, man !
Oh, man ! Oh, man !
What did l--
l told you he was real, man.
Jerry... thank you, man.
You're welcome, Brian.
Peace.
- Well, abracadabra.
- Whoa !
- All right.
- What the hell's goin' on here ?
- Our job is done.
These guys can go home.
- You guys are wasted, man.
Thurgood, Thurgood.
Nice letter.
- Gimme that back.
- Queer.
- Everybody, freeze !
- Oh, shit !
Nobody move !
The cops took all
the credit for bustin' Samson,
but that's not important.
What was important is that we cut
a deal, and Kenny was finally free.
- Hallelujah !
-
Which brings me
to the Brooklyn Bridge,
where l had to make things right
with Mary Jane.
- Hi.
- Are you ?
A little bit from yesterday,
you know, when Kenny got--
But-But-But, Mary Jane, listen.
l'm done. l'm done sellin' it.
l'm done smokin' it.
This is the last of it, right here.
l just wanted you to see me
get rid of it.
Could we just have a--
a moment alone ?
Do what you gotta do.
Be strong.
Thanks, baby.
Mary Jane,
bein' with you these past
But l gotta move on.
Come on. Smoke me.
Have a quickie for old time's sake.
No. She's looking.
She's looking.
All right. Real quick.
No. No ! lt wouldn't be right.
Goddamn you !
You'll be back !
Everything work out okay ?
Yeah. Mary Jane, l love you.
l love you too.
l know.
l know what you're thinkin'.
- That old Thurgood sold out, right ?
- l'm your girl now.
But let me tell you something.
l love weed, okay ? l love it.
But not as much
as l love pussy.
The End.
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
Sittin' here together, baby
We're alone
Now l can tell ya, girl
You turn me on
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
You've got the love that
The love l desire, babe
You've got the match
Ooh, that lights my life
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
You got the love that
The love l desire, babe
You've got the match
Ooh, that lights my fire
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
l get lifted up
High, high, high, high
Hey, everybody,
l'm Dave Chappelle.
lf you want to learn more about
marijuana or other illegal substances,
go to your local library.
- Remember, the more you read--
- The smarter you are.
Yea !
All right, man.
Captions, lnc. Los Angeles