Half Baked: Totally High (2024) Movie Script
1
I'm the hero of the story.
You can tell because of the way
they start out on my feet
and then move up my body to show
that I'm a mighty-looking dude.
So the thing about mighty,
sometimes you just got to fake
it and hope you make it.
New town, new school,
new opportunities.
My mom divorced my pops
and moved us across the country
because he was a bad influence.
That's code for smoking
weed all day every day.
My name is Thurgood
Jenkins Jr.
But all my
friends call me JR
I'm 14 years old
with nothing but promise.
I'm breaking necks,
cash, and checks and...
Oh, watch where
you're going, bro.
Nice thong, dude.
Hey, new kid.
Fucking new kid.
Okay, so maybe things weren't
going as well as I hoped.
But that was all
about the change,
because that's when I met...
-You got a problem?
Cori.
No.
And these two usual
suspects: Bruce and Miles.
What's that smell?
Oh, this is just
Mother Nature's finest creation.
Weed.
-Want some?
-Nah.
If I got caught
using drugs...
This ain't no drug.
This is a natural herb
that grows from the earth, man.
Like chicken.
I mean, cilantro.
Just think of it like salad:
it makes you live longer.
And makes you happier.
Is that true?
Who knows?
But it should be.
I don't know, man.
Bro, your underwear must have
been pulled so high it
split your nut sack.
This will make you forget about
all of that.
It's like hitting
a reset button.
Sometimes you just got to say.
-Fuck it.
-Yes.
I finally understood
why my dad smoked weed.
It was as if with that one puff,
my troubles started
to drift away.
Is that sweet, sizzling,
silly stick I smell?
Am I the only one seeing
a joint with a face?
That's definitely
a joint with a face.
Bro.
Your mom's weed
is the shit, man.
Come on, give me a hit.
Oh, that smells like a cousin.
Put it in there, child.
Nobody told me my first time
smoking weed would result
in a collective hallucination.
That's going to leave
stretch marks.
What do we have here?
That's a lot stronger than the
shit we used to smoke in 1998.
Don't be late for
class, butter cups.
From that moment on,
we four became inseparable,
badass, ball-packing
mother fuckers.
This is me now, a fully grown
man with a full-time job.
Much has changed.
We had a black President,
then an orange one.
College costs as
much as a house,
but weed got a whole
lot easier to get your hands on.
I work for the US Post Office.
I am a Chief Operating
Package Distributor,
or a clerk if you
want to be a dick about it.
I can't say this is my dream
job, but I'm good at it.
And hey, Abe Lincoln worked
at the post office,
so did Walt Disney
and Sherman Hemsley
of the goddamn Jefferson.
Let's see, what
do we have today?
What do we have today?
Hey, guys, this next-day air is
fragile, so handle it with care.
Please?
Thank you.
Who's going to get it out?
Miles may look like your
standard geek economy side
hustler, but his dream job
is to be a stand-up comedian.
Problem is he suffers
from stage fright,
so for now,
he just tries out his new
material on his customers.
What's the difference between
a hippie chick
and a hockey player?
Hockey player showers
after three periods.
Hmmm.
Rate me five stars.
One star.
Asshole.
Actually,
one of my better shows.
Bruce is a weed genius
and thinks we should start
a dispensary together.
We just need to find a location,
pick a name, and all the other
things you need
to start a business.
Until then,
he's working as a security
guard slash snack whisper.
Purple Punch.
You're going to want volume
munchy's.
-Goldfish. Isle two.
-All right, thanks, man.
Enjoy.
Hey, so I got this hybrid.
Just a moment, ma'am.
Spidey senses
are tingling.
Excuse me, sir.
I'm going to need you to drop
your pants and give
me that meat.
What?
That sounded
different in my head.
Man, you ain't going to do shit,
grocery bitch boy.
I'm about to walk out the door
because you ain't got
the balls to stop me.
Really?
Speaking of balls.
Yeah.
Yeah, who's the bitch
boy now, huh?
Cori is a full-time content
creator
with the hopes of becoming
a successful entrepreneur
in the only sport
where everyone wins.
Ladies, declare victory
in the battle for erotic
pleasure with my line
of sexual weaponry.
We've got them.
Pound your panty hamster
into blissful
submission with my WMDs.
Whip into night delight.
The Pucker Buster.
Cheeva the destroyer.
Tomahawk.
And for double trouble,
The Twins!
Free lubricating gel
for the first 100 orders.
Declare Double V with natural
victory, with Wargasm.
Eat that world.
-How did it go?
-Great.
Posted on Snake's platforms,
streamed on my Twitch.
I'm thinking Fortune 500
by the end of the year.
-Fuck yeah.
-Yeah.
You're like a hoarder,
but for jobs.
Yeah.
What up?
What up you all?
Hey, have any of you
all seen my split case?
-No.
-No.
It's always in the first
place that you look.
You mean the last
place you look?
I haven't been able
to find it all day.
-My dad gave me that case.
-Oh, shit.
Got it.
My dog.
Okay, this shit is about
to turn up right now.
-Let's go.
-Oh, boy.
I'm going to give you one guess
as to what I have in this
beautiful little case.
-A tiny camera?
-No.
I don't know, man.
But has anyone ever told you
that you look like
Kirkland brand Tom Holland?
I get that a lot.
What is the rarest,
most expensive, downright
mythical weed that you can name?
-Go.
-Tastic.
-Tobango.
-Maui Waui.
Oh, no.
Okay, how many types
of smokable cannabis
plants are there?
Two.
Indica for body,
high sativa for mind.
Wrong.
That's what most people think.
But the high priests
of High Times magazine have
written about another
ancient strain of weed.
Not only does this affect your
mind and your body,
you feel the high from this
ancient strain in your
mother fucking soul.
Oh, I need to smoke
that immediately.
My soul is shady as fuck.
Yeah, it is.
Okay, I give to you,
Biblica, the goat of weed.
Bullshit.
There's no way that's real.
That's just some fairy tale,
stoner myth,
like an attractive truck driver.
Nah, you all.
Actually, I heard my dad
talk about Biblica once.
He would say, Son,
one day if you're a good boy,
maybe you'll get
to smoke Biblica.
Look, my dad had
a one-track mind, all right?
But I'm pretty
sure Pop smoked it.
Your dad is where you get
your cool jeans from, bro.
That's a fucking fact, Jay.
Sometimes I put my dad's jeans
in the dryer and I just hold
them because then it
feels like he just left.
Sometimes I feel like
I need to hold you.
Oh, that smells heavenly.
All for one...
and one for
mother fucking all.
Why so funny?
I am Kabasi!
Kabasi.
Fucking raccoons, man.
It's me, Gandalf,
lord of the crunch.
JR,
it's crunch o'clock.
Oh oh, yeah!
All righty, you all
ready to amp this up?
What the hell you got going on?
Next level, baby.
The fuck is that?
This is the holy trinity.
It's when you combine each
of the three strains of weed and
you smoke them at the same time.
Legend has it that when you
smoke the Holy Trinity, it
allows your spirit to elevate
to places that no mere
mortal could ever go.
No way that's real.
Check this out.
Potlord.com,
the holy trinity,
a triple joint with all three
main strains together that only
the chosen one can smoke.
All others who try shall die.
They're liars.
No one's ever died
from smoking weed.
It's just some internet
disinformant bullshit.
-Yeah.
-Like Candy Man, right?
Just another urban legend.
Because nothing happens
if I say Candy Man.
Candy Man.
We don't want some mo-fo
to gut us like trout.
-Oh, my God.
-Dudes, just relax.
There's not a mirror even close.
And there was a virgin present.
Okay, you guys,
look at this bad boy.
I'm going to go first.
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Bruce?
Say something.
Bruce?
Oh, shit.
Yeah, you got us.
I'm too high for this.
Don't act stupid.
Bruce, my fucking table!
Bruce, Bruce.
Hey, man, say something, bro.
Bruce, hey, buddy.
Come on, we're here.
We're here, man.
Thank you for being so cool.
Your friend died
of a weed overdose?
I smoke weed every day
and never overdose.
No, but that's the truth.
He smoked something called
the holy trinity joint.
What the fuck is
a holy trinity joint?
-It's when you combine-
-I don't give a fuck.
You asked.
That is a rhetorical question.
You brought the wolves
over to my house.
I'm running two brothels,
a chop shop,
and an unlicensed
nail salon.
I can't have people
dying in my complex.
It's bad for business.
And plus you are late on the
rent, so get the fuck out.
Actually, we paid you
all the rent yesterday.
What kind of Jedi mind trip
bullshit are you playing with
me?
You didn't pay me
shit yesterday.
I thought it was going to work.
Sorry about that.
Listen up, mother bitches.
I'm going to be
back in 24 hours.
You and all your shitty shit
better be gone or I will kick
your ass and change the locks.
Weed overdose. Ha!
Fuck you.
Hey man, fuck you too.
I can't believe Bruce is gone.
I know.
It doesn't feel real.
What did Bruce say
to you before he died?
It was like
p-p-p-p-p-pass or something.
He said p-p-Passaic.
Passaic, New Jersey?
Like where he's from?
It's also where his
parents are buried.
So he wants us
to bury him there.
Don't worry, Bruce.
We'll get you back home
no matter what it takes.
How the hell did
you find this place?
It's Five Stars on Yelp,
and it was the only one
the comments section didn't link
to a subreddit about
the merits of necrophilia.
It doesn't look cheap.
It smells like dead people.
You're more like onion rings.
I'm never having onion rings
again.
Either I'm high as hell or
there is an angel walking
towards us in slow motion.
Hi, I'm Trisha Mitchell,
the funeral director.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
What loss?
Oh, yes, our friend passed away.
As I understand it,
you need to have your friend
Bruce's remains prepared
and shipped across the country
to Passaic, New Jersey?
Yeah, and we don't
have a lot of money.
We don't have any money.
Well, we have some money.
Okay? Collectively, as a group.
I do all right.
Right now I'm using
a grocery bag as underwear.
Yeah.
Right.
Okay, all in all,
the total will be about 40,000.
Excuse me?
Yeah, I know it's a lot,
but keep in mind
that transporting the deceased
across the country
is a big deal.
Okay, what if we just drive him
to New Jersey and then we
just bury him ourselves?
My mom, she's got all these
ex-boyfriends
that live in Jersey.
We could just bury
him in the back.
The yard is small.
I've been there.
Yeah, it's done in a cool way.
We break his back
so it's smaller.
What are we, the New York mob?
My last name is Jenkins,
not Soprano.
Okay, can we just think about it
and talk it out
and get back to you?
You guys are funny.
Okay,
be aware that you do only have
14 days to claim the body or
the Bureau will cremate your
friend and dispose of his
remains in a county grave.
Damn.
Okay, well, thank you
for the information.
Yeah.
Whatever you need,
I'm here to help.
-You're going to be right here?
-Right here.
All right.
Mother fuckers.
They're just gonna burn him and
then
bury him with a
bunch of randoms?
Unless we come up
with $40,000 in 14 days.
I thought you said
this place was cheap.
Well, it's cheaper
than the other ones.
It doesn't matter.
We're going to get the money.
Somehow, some way,
we're going to get
Bruce back home.
Yeah.
I'll let Trisha know.
I bet you will.
-Hey, come on now.
-For Bruce.
Bruce.
For Bruce.
-I want to get laid for Bruce.
-Yeah, me too.
Hey.
-I hope I'm not interrupting.
-No.
Ummm...
We're going to do it.
We'll get the money.
Okay, great.
Yeah, I just have one question.
Do dead people smell
like onion rings?
Onion rings smell
like onion rings.
You want some?
Oh, for sure.
I thought I was
in here tripping.
-Take one.
-The aroma in here is potent.
You know?
So, like working with dead
people, huh?
You know what? I actually do.
Yeah, it makes you appreciate
life a little more.
Mm-hm.
But my favorite part is
at the end of the night when
everyone leaves, I just give
all the dead guy's hand jobs.
And if you do it right,
they bust dust.
Sorry.
I'm joking.
Okay.
-Oh, ma'am.
-Got you.
-You got me good.
-I have a weird sense of humor.
Sorry.
Okay, so
if you go to our website,
you can just
browse all the casket choices
and my personal
info is on the back.
Oh.
Okay.
Thanks.
I'll reach out.
I'll call you.
Okay.
Why can't we just stay at your
mom's place for a few weeks?
Bro, you know we ain't spoke
since she kicked me
out for smoking weed.
Come on.
Who is it?
Hey, Mom, it's me.
It's just Miles.
-What do you want?
-It's just that my friends and I
we just need a place to stay.
No, you can't stay here.
It's just for a few
days, though.
If we could just-
look, man, your mom said you
can't stay anymore, dude.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, but where are you?
I'm the man that's fucking
your mom right now.
Oh.
Like you guys are dating or you
were literally just doing
sex in my mom?
Literally, I just had my thumb
up your mom's ass.
Okay, that doesn't
smell like anything.
Oh.
-That's my mom's hole.
-Damn!
Mommy, are you okay?
Hey, prove that you're
with Miss Thomas.
Miss Thomas's middle
name is Barbara, girl.
Bro, you could have got
that from her driver's license.
She also has the letter M
tattooed on both ass cheeks.
So when she bends
over it says "Mom."
Or when she's laying
on her back, it says "Wow."
Wow, Miles,
your mom is a freak.
She's my freak, boy.
Mommy, are you okay in there?
Miles, I told you when you
graduated high school that you
couldn't live here anymore.
You never did any
of your chores.
You smoked all my weed,
even my roaches.
And now not only do you have
the nerve to ask me if you can
stay here, but you bring two
other mother fuckers
that you know I don't like?
-Hi, Miss Thomas.
-Hi, Miss Thomas.
I'm so sorry, Miles.
If I could fire you
as my kid, I would.
Bye!
-Somebody's fired, huh?
-Come on.
Tell you the hell off.
Mommy.
Damn.
Guess we're sleeping in the car.
Well, no. Can we at least try my
mom's house?
Why didn't we just do
that shit in the first place?
Instead of seeing my mom
all greasy like that?
Because then we wouldn't have
known your mom was
fucking the predator.
Come on.
JR?
JR, what are you doing here?
Are you hurt?
Oh, no, Mom.
We just need a place to stay.
The prodigal son returns.
Come on in.
Sweet little Bruce?
Yeah, it was kind of an
overdose.
He smoked a combination of three
super strong strains of weed.
Holy shit.
What have I always told
you about weed, JR?
You never believed me
and now poor Bruce.
And he asked us to bury
him with his parents.
Whoa, that's heavy.
And then our landlord
kicked us out.
So please, Mom,
can we just stay here
for a little while just until we
save enough money to bury
Bruce's body and
find a new place?
Let me guess.
You don't have
any money saved up
because you spent
it all on marijuana.
I don't spend all
my money on marijuana.
Liar.
You don't not spend all
your money on marijuana.
Facts.
JR
When are you going
to find your purpose?
You're high all the time.
You have no direction.
I can't remember the last
time you had a girlfriend.
Okay, I just don't
want you to end up
a burnt out loser
like your father.
Okay, you all
can stay here.
Yes!
-Temporarily.
-Okay.
And here is the law.
No smoking weed.
-You feel me?
-Yes, ma'am.
Got it.
Just edibles.
No, no edibles.
No drugs of any kind.
Okay, fine.
Okay, that's the enthusiasm you
have for me letting
you stay in my house?
Fine.
What is wrong with her?
Love you, Ma.
I'm going to work.
Black ops.
We got you a legal weed
for your legal needs.
Feeling stressed
about your 401K?
You need to get faded after
putting Little Chad
and Chastity to bed?
Black ops.
We got every strain
for your...
Get lit.
At these prices, legal
weeds should be illegal.
We got 14 days to come
up with over $39,000.
That's a whole lot of bread
in a short amount of time.
-We could breed, Zig and Zag.
-For pets?
Or meat.
Depends on the customer.
The decision from HR
is final, Curtis.
-So you're fired.
-Fired?
I've been working
here for 15 years.
And this is your second
violation for sending
provocative pictures
to your coworkers.
They're wanting to see
what I'm working with.
According to both ladies,
neither wanted to see that.
Man, I need this job.
I'm broke.
I spent all my money last
week on this Gucci belt.
Not even real Gucci.
And I was trying to stunt
for the gram, thirst
trap these bitches.
I don't know what that is.
I bet you you wouldn't
you Mr. Rogers
looking mother fucker.
You know what?
I was about to quit
this job today anyway.
-Curtis.
-No, don't Curtis me.
Do not.
You with the bullshit.
Curtis, I am calling the police.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Fuck this job.
-Yeah.
-Hold, please.
Why are you calling the cops?
Just let him go.
Are you calling
the police on me?
Uhh...
-Fuck you.
-What?
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
You're cool.
And fuck you.
I'm out.
Watch your bitch ass.
Well, that was something, huh?
Yeah, this one is fragile, sir.
You might want to do
something with it.
Yeah, you might want
to clean this shit up.
I'm taking lunch.
Thanks, Thurgood.
All right you all, you heard
him.
Let's clean this shit up.
I hit a lit.
The ganja gods had blessed
me with boxes of Biblica.
Biblica.
And for whatever reason...
Glow sticks.
Y'all are some weird
mother fuckers, man.
Now, I had two options.
I can to do the ethical thing.
Pack the weed back in their
original boxes and make sure
they got to their
proper destinations,
or...
Is it because you're
fucking my mom..
What the fuck?
You all can't smoke in here.
You don't even
have a window open.
Relax.
Cori figured out how to get
the security cameras on our
phones and I didn't open
the window because, ta-da,
found an air purifier.
It's not even plugged in.
I knew it...
It doesn't matter.
My mom is like
a weed bloodhound.
She could smell the tiniest
drop of blood in the water.
Oh, so she's more
like a weed shark.
Okay, semantics.
Stop smoking weed.
JR, what the fuck?
That's all we had.
Not anymore.
Here.
Is that?
Hell, yeah.
Biblica.
My boy, Curtis,
went postal at work.
Hopped on a forklift,
knocked over all the packages,
and then boom, voila.
I found this.
It must be five pounds.
Oh, my God.
We can make so
much pot brownies.
No, Cannabutter.
No, lube.
Oh, marijuana lube.
Oh, JuanaLube.
Not an awful idea,
but I can do you one better.
We can sell the shit
out of this weed.
Raise the money we need to get
Bruce's body back before they
cremate him and still have some
dough left over to move
out of my mom's house.
No, we don't have
a license to sell, okay?
We'd be doing this illegally.
Fuck a license.
Guys, this is a once
in a lifetime opportunity.
We raise the money
and we're done.
Damn, I'm fucking in.
Okay, for the record,
I think this is a horrible
idea, but I'm in.
First, we need a plan.
Welcome to how
to start a business.
First step for any
new entrepreneur,
know your product.
Yo, eyes on the road, man.
You better hit this again.
Yo, I'm good.
Oh, this is definitely Biblica.
Motherfuckers!
You're blocking the sidewalk,
you fucking assholes.
Step two, advertise your
product.
We tried selling Biblica
on the dark web,
but that was straight sus.
This is criminal behavior.
What the hell?
-That's not good.
-Is that a helicopter?
Oh! Shit!
-No!
-Help!
Oh, hell no.
So instead, we decided
to use social media
like all the other drug dealers.
Step three,
packaging your product for
distribution.
Good morning, sweet boy.
Good morning, momma.
How's the apartment hunt going?
Oh, still hunting.
Well, time's a ticking.
You better be hitting it today.
Oh, momma, I could promise you
we will be hitting it today for
sure.
Good.
Now you're ready for the
fourth and final step,
sell that shit.
Wassup, you looking for Heavenly
High?
Don't go smoking too much.
Don't get carried away.
You got the cash?
Let's see that Biblica.
That Biblica shit is good,
right?
You're all right.
Heey!
What's up?
What's up, Palenta?
Well, if it isn't
my fourth grade teacher.
Gotcha.
Yo, what's up?
I got the stankiest
of the dankiest, my man.
Heavenly High yet you're high.
We have a gentlemen here, you
know,
still worried about skin cancer.
The sun, really, the silent
killer.
Holy shit!
You're Jeff Ross,
like the roast master.
I mean, dude, you are
literally my favorite comedian.
Oh, man, thanks.
Right next to Dave Chappelle,
Pryor, George Carlin,
Hallie Wong, Sarah Silverman.
As much as I'm enjoying this,
I really just want to get
my weed and get out of here.
This is heavenly!
Yeah, so I also...
I also do...
Well, I guess I'm trying to do
stand up.
Oh, cool, man.
Hit me with your best joke.
Like here?
Yeah, come on, man.
Tell me your joke.
Okay, so there's too many
flavors of chips these days.
I mean, you got sour cream,
and if you're a stoner,
you just want...
You don't need all these
flavors.
Look, you're a regular Bill
Cosby
because you're putting me to
sleep.
Okay, yeah, sorry, yeah.
I was, like,
a little bit nervous.
Nervous?
I could smell your
flop sweat from here.
And why the hell are
you trying to impress
this broken-down Bruce Willis?
That's good.
That's good.
Hey, you should take
lessons from your mom.
It's Jeff Ross.
Okay, Roastmaster.
Yeah, I know who I am.
Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah.
Knock knock.
A knock knock joke?
What's your name, man?
Miles.
Miles,
as in please stay miles away
from a fucking microphone.
Who's there?
Door.
Door, who?
Open the fucking door, Miles.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Yeah.
I would love to open for you
sometime.
I got something to cheer you up.
Smell it.
No!
Smell it.
No, mom, no!
Biblica was selling so fast,
we could barely keep
up with the orders.
Word on the street had Heavenly
High
in everyone's mouth and
everyone wanted a taste.
We were one step closer
to hitting our goal
and getting Bruce home.
Business was good.
Maybe too good.
-Diesel!
-Brittany.
How's my favorite entrepreneur?
Muah! Muah!
I'm good.
How are you doing?
I am ready to spend some money.
Well, you go do that.
All right.
There he is, Bradley.
My man, Tie Dye taking care of
you?
All right, good looks.
LDEE, come here.
This place is fucking empty.
Do something.
You mean like do something do
something?
No.
You're my eyes and ears
on the streets.
So get your eyes and ears
on the streets.
Right now?
Plus it's kind of hot outside,
you know?
Maybe we wait till sundown,
right?
The streets ain't up
till night time anyway.
You know what I'm saying?
Hey, guys, do you have
any of that Biblica?
I hear it's fire.
Biblica? You know what?
We just sold out.
Hmm, too bad.
LDEE!
Meeting. Now.
LDEE?
Biblica.
Why am I only
hearing about it now?
That's just some urban
legend bullshit, man.
Biblica ain't real.
Not real? Interesting.
My customers seem
to think it's real.
Okay.
Studio A's taking a hit.
But look at studio B.
We are good.
We forcing, baby.
We're not good.
I don't take hits.
I'm paying a hipster
cannabis barista.
I have a matcha machine,
an incense machine.
I pay federal, state and local
income tax, utilities.
I've got so many hands in my
pockets,
I can't find my own dick.
Someone's muscling
in on my territory.
We need to send a message, LDEE.
You find these Biblica
selling motherfuckers now!
I lost my temper when I
shouldn't have.
One week had passed
and I finally felt like
I had enough money
to take Trisha out on a date.
You know, you just
got a sense of humor.
Oh, wow.
Thank you so much.
This looks fantastic.
Thank you.
You want a bite before
I start getting busy?
Oh, no, I'm okay.
I'm primarily vegetarian,
with just a little bit of fish.
I mean, you ever smell
bacon in the morning though?
I don't know if I can
live without pork.
I know I can.
Yeah, when I was young,
I experienced
my first burned body.
Real quick, you wonder why the
tribes
in the French Polynesia use
the term poa o'ao or long pig?
Because apparently a piece
of human charred thigh
smells and tastes exactly like
pork.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to...
Girl, it's okay.
I was full off the salad anyway.
Look, it's your work.
I totally understand.
Yeah, work is my life.
Speaking of, did you and your
friends got the money yet?
Because, you know,
the clock is ticking.
Yeah, yeah, we started
a crowdfunding page.
Send me the link,
I'd love to donate.
You're so sweet.
Thank you,
but you know, the link
is temporarily down.
We're just doing a little
maintenance on the website.
Um...
You ever notice how much these
potatoes
look like ping pong balls?
God. Or eyeballs?
Did you know that when
you fall from over 30ft
your eyeballs just pop out of
your head?
No, I didn't know that.
And then they dangle
out of bloody sockets.
It's insane.
Um...
I'm going to go to the restroom
if you excuse me for...
I'm just going to wash my hands.
Is it okay if I
take your potatoes?
You can have as much of all
of this as you would like.
-Thank you.
-Okay.
All right, no problem.
You're going to be
here when I get back?
Right here.
Damn it, Thurgood.
Calm down.
Just smoke this weed,
go in and be cool.
Are you okay?
Oh. Yeah.
-Hi.
-Hi.
I was coming back.
I just needed to get
some fresh air.
I'm sorry.
When I get nervous,
I just talk about work and it
tends to,
you know, make people go away.
That's okay.
I don't mind.
You smell that?
I don't smell nothing.
You smoking weed?
No.
Yes.
Damn.
I'm sorry.
Why are you sorry?
I just...
I'm sorry I lied and I didn't
want...
I don't know, I didn't want you
to get mad at me or too upset.
You know?
My mom divorced my dad
for smoking too much.
My ex-boyfriend lied
to me and kept secrets.
All I ask is if we're
going to hang out,
don't lie to me.
Deal?
Deal.
Now pass that shit.
Do you smoke?
Yes, I smoke.
Oh, shit.
I'm warning you,
this shit is gas.
Oh shit, take your time with it.
It's all right,
put your hands up.
See, that's what we do.
Put the hands up and we just
thank the heavens for the high.
Hmmm. Might work.
What do you think about
this as my standup persona?
Insecure, neurotic dipshit.
I don't know.
You think I could pull that off?
We're selling the tits off of
Biblica,
but my orgasm line is DOA.
I don't get it.
Like having the power of
self-pleasure
and claiming your own orgasm
whenever you wish,
that's empowerment.
Wow.
Not only does that make me
one of the most powerful
people in the world,
but I just empowered myself
in JR's mom's room.
A-ha.
Sick.
Holy shit! We did it.
We have enough
money to bury Bruce.
I'll hit JR, let him
know the good word.
Pizza delivery.
Uh, did you order a pizza?
No, but I love
a delicious mistake.
Unlock it.
Y'all Heavenly High?
Uh, yes.
I mean, unless you don't want us
to be.
Y'all the motherfuckers
selling that Biblica weed?
Chill out, Dr. Phil.
First of all,
don't bumrush us like this.
If you want some,
you're gonna have
to place an order online
just like everyone else
during business hours.
Do we look like we give a fuck
about your hours of operation?
Now which one of
you is in charge?
Well, I mean, I guess I never
really want to put,
like, labels on our positions,
but if you're going to
put a gun to my head,
then I would say I'm the CEO.
Whoa. The fuck?
I set up the distribution
and I do the bookkeeping.
This business wouldn't
exist without me.
I'm the CEO.
Great.
Okay.
I'll kill you first.
You misheard me.
Miles is the CEO.
Miles goes first.
No, I mean, come on.
Do I look like someone that
could be in charge of anything?
I had to repeat the first
grade four times.
They told me I had to go to a
special class that was in a
trailer.
I thought it was special,
but it was for different kids.
Come on.
No, Jr.
JR is the one that's in charge.
All right, who the hell is JR?
Umm...
Wait, wait, no, I know you.
Yeah, you're the black ops guy.
You have that really
expensive weed.
Oh yeah.
Too expensive, huh?
Put it in my suggestion box.
Now where the fuck
is J fucking R?
Oh, we can't really say.
I can't. It's my boy.
Oh, shit.
Wassup, wassup,
wassup, party people?
Whoa. Wassup, wassup?
-What's going on here?
-All right.
Nobody sells dank
on Diesel's turf without
going through Diesel.
Especially not
the stankiest thing.
Now, word on the street is
you're selling Biblica.
And I know there ain't
no such fucking bullshit.
Oh, nah, man, Biblica is real.
Oh, yeah?
Who's your source?
No one.
I work at the post office.
I'm the chief operating
package distributor.
Okay, listen, box boy, I--
I found the weed.
How much did you steal?
Five pounds.
These fucking weed thieves.
All right, $30,000
is what you owe me.
Call it territory tax, all
right?
Uh, so...
Your mom.
Damn.
Can we just talk about
this later maybe?
How about you lower the gun?
One.
-Why are you counting?
-Two.
Please. Okay.
-No.
-Three!
-Two!
-Wait, wait!
Take it!
Damn it.
Oh, I did not know we
were expecting company, JR.
You know, mom,
neither did I.
You must be JR's mom.
He always speaks
so highly of you.
Yeah, we're work associates.
Oh, from the post office?
He's very dependable,
always does what he's told.
Mm-hmm.
That is so good to hear.
Thank you.
I suggest you find another
box of that Biblica.
And I expect another $30,000
next week
or else you're dead.
Do you understand?
Yes, sir.
Well, got to go, mom.
Great meeting you.
Bye.
-Beautiful decor.
-Oh, thank you.
-I did it myself.
-You're a genius.
Thank you.
They are so nice.
You should have your
work friends over more.
Hey, baby,
you want some pancakes?
I wish I could.
They smell great,
but I got to get to work.
Hey, give me a bite.
Get your own.
Okay.
Come on, guys.
I'm sorry.
Hey, JR.
I just want to tell you
how proud I am of you.
Oh, mom.
You're staying off the weed,
which is something your
father could never do.
And, I never told you this
before,
but weed was really starting
to mess with his head.
He started to talk all crazy
about some mystical weed
and how he was the chosen one.
-He said that?
-Yeah.
He was straight up tripping.
Which is another reason why I
had to get you out of there.
But look at you now.
You're doing so great.
I just wish you would do
it in your own apartment.
Yes, ma'am.
And remember to take
Thing One and Thing Two with
you.
Give me some.
Guys, please stop
playing with your food.
My mom's gonna whip
all of our asses.
Thank you.
And take this in case
you get hungry.
-What is that?
-Oh, black beauty.
Why does it have a name?
Here you go.
Okay, so you got the banana
and...
You know what, Cori?
Please stop letting my mom
play with your toys.
She strong armed me for it, JR.
It's called healthy sexuality--
-I love you. Goodbye.
-Bye.
I'm going to lunch.
Keep an eye on things, Thurgood.
You got it, Dick.
You know it's Richard.
Again, is it, though?
Okay, have a good one.
Drive safe.
With Diesel on our ass,
finding more Biblica suddenly
turned into a life or death
situation.
And it was all up to me
and my nose to find it.
Talk about a spliff in a
haystack.
Nose, don't fail me now.
No...
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
It's all right.
You coming with me.
And you, too.
The human body is
a really incredible thing.
Did you know she was
a classically trained dancer?
No.
Top of her class.
Mr. Shadow.
What could possibly be so urgent
that you would interrupt
Ms. Shaquana mid performance?
Some of our packages aren't
making it to their final
destination.
Mm-hmm.
And what packages
might these be?
Biblica.
Shaquana, my dear,
I'm afraid we'll have
to pick this up another time.
Daddy needs a little me time.
Gotta think this through.
It's believed only Shuang Zhong
Baghita
or the chosen one could survive
smoking these three strains of
marijuana.
-Weird.
-What?
That llama looks just like you.
The Shaolins forbade the
smoking of the three dragons.
Like, not even a little bit.
Look at that man's head.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, I need to run
an errand real quick.
Okay, every night you get a text
and then say you have to leave.
So is there another woman?
Trisha, no.
You know I don't
get down like that.
Okay.
Is this the sex thing?
Because I told you I have to
trust you
before I let my freak out.
No, no.
Feel free to freak when
you freaking feel like it.
You know what I mean?
Hey.
2 grams.
1245 Moorpark Ave.
Oh, my God.
You're a drug dealer.
No.
I mean, technically, but, like,
not full time.
What?
Just a part time drug dealer?
Trish,
I wanted to tell you.
I didn't want to scare you off.
I really like you, you know?
And my mom divorced-
Yeah, I'm not your mom, JR.
I know,
but, like, it still shook my
house up.
No, no, no,
we made a deal
and you broke it.
So...
Get out.
What?
Trisha, come on.
Get out.
Okay.
What's going on?
Hey.
Look at this.
Yeah!
Bye, buddy!
The one?
Yeah, I just never thought
of myself as a dealer,
more as a supplier, like,
humanitarian.
Wassup.
Yo.
Hey, Mr. Jeff Ross.
Hey, man.
You know I was just busting
your balls the other day, right?
So do you really want
to be a comedian?
More than anything.
It's all I think about, but I
just feel like no one really
wants to hear what I have to
say.
You think it was easy for me
trying to make it in show
business looking like The Rock
if he lived next
to a nuclear power plant?
Don't ever tell anyone this,
but I'm going to tell you my
mantra.
Fuck it.
If you're up there and you're
bombing
and the audience is booing,
fuck it, just get right back on
stage.
Fuck it.
And if you tell anybody my
mantra,
I'm going to cut your balls off
and I'm going to feed
them to my goldfish,
and then I'm going to feed
them their regular food
because they'll still be hungry.
Thanks, Mr. Ross.
Nah, don't thank me, Miles.
Just--
Get back out there and--
No, give me my fucking weed.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Trisha,
where are you at?
Trisha, I really need to talk...
To you.
JR, what are you doing here?
You can't just
show up at my work.
I'm sorry.
I just want to come clean.
Oh, now you want to be real?
Can you just hear me out,
please?
Well, if you're here, you might
as well make yourself useful.
Oh, you want me
to come over there?
Right here.
-What, next to the--
-Mm-hmm.
That's the smell you was
talking about at dinner.
Okay.
Hold that.
Hold what? His penis?
Hold it.
Okay.
So you were saying?
I found some weed at work.
I stole that weed from work,
and now my best
friends and I are selling it
to raise the money to
get Bruce's body back.
Cradle the balls.
What?
So the formaldehyde circulates.
So, that's...
Okay, that's a two-hand
operation then.
So this is the crowdfunding
you mentioned?
Yeah, yeah,
and we're using the rest of the
money
to move out of my momma's house.
You still live with your momma,
too?
Mm-hmm. Look, I know,
but, hey, at least now you
know everything, right?
I was just trying to do the
right thing and bury my buddy.
I just should have
been honest with you.
I'm hoping that you
and I could be, like,
permanent.
What?
Girl, I meant that.
That was from the heart.
I didn't even write
that shit down.
What is so fun...
Oh, shit, the dick?
I ain't got to be
holding this shit?
Oh, that was a cold cock, for
real.
Get over here.
Apology accepted.
Okay, so this is your room?
Yeah, this is it.
Oh, wow.
You never said
anything about animals.
Oh, girl, I'm an animal!
I mean, yeah.
Oh, the rabbits.
Not mine.
Story for another time.
Want to smoke?
Fuck that.
Damn, woman.
You are on.
Sorry, I didn't
mean to wear jeans.
Wooo!
Oh, I'm sorry, are you okay?
Shut up and choke me, bitch.
Oh, you really are a freak.
Yeah, you can bite me.
Ow! Damn, girl!
I said bite, not chomp.
Okay.
Ooh, ooh, watch it.
Next, please.
How are we on this lovely
morning?
-Terrific!
Apologies.
It is a postal emergency.
I have some packages
that have gotten lost
at this post office.
Oh, that's terrible,
about your packages.
Who handles them?
I'm out, motherfuckers!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah, I am.
I'm about to go drink me some
good wine,
smoke some good weed
and have some great sex.
Not necessarily in that order.
So feel free to ponder
on my promiscuity.
You know what I mean?
All right, big dog.
I'll holla at you later.
Whoo!
Love you guys!
Love you guys.
Oh, yes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is this about?
Shh, shh, shh.
I'm going to ask
you this one time.
Where are my packages?
I am sorry.
Sorry you stole my packages?
I'm sorry your breath smells
this way.
Are you okay?
Do you need to see a dental
hygienist or something?
I have a medical
condition, big dog.
Yes, you do.
It is called chronic halitosis.
Would you make fun of the blind,
or otherwise handicapped person?
I have, but I'm not proud of it.
If my next packages
do not come through--
-Breath mints!
-Come on, man.
Damn.
My bad, bro.
I'm sorry, but your shit
is kicking like Kimbo.
But as for your packages,
I don't know shit about them.
You don't?
Well, I suggest you find out
and you call me.
This extension.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir, Mr. Shitmouth--
Shadow!
If I do not hear from you,
you will be hearing from me.
-Got it?
-Yes, sir.
Maybe we could do that through
email, text, carrier pigeon,
anything that doesn't require
you to open your mouth.
It's a legitimate condition.
I'ma call you.
Shit.
We are way in over our heads.
Bruce,
we're trying to get you back to
Passaic,
but I just don't want us
to die while doing so.
How much we got left?
We have $63,000.
Minus Diesel tax,
that leaves us 33 grand,
which makes us seven grand
short.
We just need one big client,
and quick.
Because if we can't pay to
transport Bruce's body by
tomorrow,
he's going to get cremated.
It could be a bot.
I don't know if it's real,
but someone with the screen
name,
MalcolmIndicaMiddle just DM'd
me,
says he wants like a pound.
That could do it.
Let's go.
Okay, well, the address he sent
me
is apparently like a movie
studio,
so why don't you change
out of that fetish shit.
Okay.
All right, he said it's the last
trailer on the left, playing
Eddie.
This should be it.
Malcolm Indica Middle.
Hey.
Hey, I'm TokenWhiteGuy.
Oh, yeah.
Come on in, guys.
Oh, my God.
This is so cool.
Yo, you got a fireplace?
Should have brought
my marshmallow.
Oh, this is JR.
That's Cori.
Hey, man, not to make shit
awkward,
but are you Frankie Muniz?
Yeah, that's me.
Holy shit, I'm a big fan.
I love your sitcom, um,
Malcolm in The Middle.
And Agent Cody Banks.
I mean, I grew up watching you
and watched you grow up.
-You were, like, my best friend.
-Yeah, me, too.
Is that weird to say?
No, it's cool.
But for real,
you guys actually have Biblica?
There's only one
way to find out.
Stop enabling this asshole!
Fuck!
Frankie, will you be
our new best friend?
Fuck, yeah.
Okay, wait.
Here's your stash.
Thanks for the cash.
We're going to stay
in touch, right?
-You already know, Frankie.
-Putting you on group chat!
-I love you.
-I love you!
Oh my God!
Is that for you?
-All right.
-That's your ride?
Yeah.
That's sick.
I'll see you soon.
-I can't believe we did it.
-I know.
If it weren't for the last
minute, nothing would get done.
We put the pro
in procrastination.
Okay, look, Miles, tomorrow,
you look for a brand new
apartment.
Cori, you call the bureau
and make sure they don't cremate
Bruce.
And I'm going to drop
this cash off to Diesel,
tell him we out,
then we go smoke a big fat
doobie on the way to Dirty
Joe's.
-Let's go.
-Let's go.
Hey, do you think Frankie
actually
is like, the middle child maybe?
I can't believe you put
his gun in your mouth.
How are you all doing?
Are you all right?
Diesel.
That's it.
All of your money right there.
Me and my crew, we're out.
Done.
No, you're done when
I say you're done.
Now, you're gonna go back, steal
more weed from the post office.
I'll expect another
30k next week.
Oh, I can't.
Even if I wanted to.
The owner of those packages
showed up at the post office.
Some scary-ass dude with rancid
breath named Shadow.
I don't give a damn
about scary-ass Shadow.
Or ghost or Walter White,
or Big Perm or the White
Bitch from Weeds.
Now go back and steal more
packages or I'll kill you.
Why does everybody
want to kill me?
I guess because you have
such a killable face.
Now, remember, I know
where your mama live,
and she got a
killable face, too.
It must be genetic, huh?
Police!
Freeze!
Looks like someone is
trying to sell bulk.
This is a licensed dispensary.
-Do you have a warrant?
-Yes, yes.
Why don't you read that while we
take a look around?
Big boy day, huh?
Sit tight.
-Sit.
-Oh, no, not him.
Let me guess.
You've been in here
running your mouth.
Sit down.
All right, JR.
Where were we?
Yeah.
Miles Corey.
-That's it for your crew?
-We're not a crew.
We're friends.
Look. The guy you should
be going after
is the one who sent
those packages.
Some scary-ass
dude named Shadow.
-He's the one.
-Did you say Shadow?
Yeah.
Breath smells like the back
of the bus when he speaks that
your nose hairs just tingle.
-That's him.
-Mm-hmm.
He's the biggest drug
lord in North America.
He's eluded us for years.
And you saw him?
I didn't just see him.
He gave me his card.
He told me
to call him if I found out
who's been stealing his weed.
Smells like shit.
Oh, I know.
I've been walking around
and my pockets' been smelling
like diarrhea for
the last ten days.
-That's really nice stock.
-Nice laminate.
-QR code.
-Modern.
Here's the deal.
You help us nail Shadow,
you both go free.
Set up a meeting,
you'll both be wearing a wire.
All you got to do is
get him to confess.
I'm not a snitch.
Come to think of it,
we don't really need you.
You know what? Technically, I
wouldn't be snitching.
I'd just be helping
him snitch on himself.
-So I'm in.
-Well, hold on, y'all.
If Shadow finds out what's
happening, won't he be mad?
Like, kill me mad?
They're going to die.
We'll be close by.
You got nothing to worry about.
He's asleep.
You guys are going to love this.
Never gets old.
She's not my cousin.
Hello.
Mom?
JR!
My pretty baby boy.
Mom? Are you all right?
No.
Where'd the phone go?
Yo, so your mom got
into my Wanna Lube.
A lot of it.
And she's gonna be high
for the next two weeks.
Okay.
Hey, Cori.
Look, I just got picked up,
and I may have told
the cops your name.
-What?
-Hey, I had no choice.
Wait, you did what?
But, hey, look,
as long as I show up
at a meeting and get Shadow
to talk, all this will go away.
That's not cool.
We're not waiting around
to see if we go to jail.
Do you know what happens to men
with this level of collagen
in prison?
Can we tell him
how soft my skin is?
Guys, we'll get through this.
-We're a team.
-No.
You know what a team doesn't do?
They don't snitch to the cops.
Asshole.
How are you doing, Mr. Shadow?
Sir.
Good to see you again.
This is the man who's been
making me steal
all of your weed.
Oh, is it?
Who the fuck are you, big dog?
My name is ...
What the fuck is that smell?
-Okay.
-We're downwind.
Okay, first of all,
I refuse to be insulted by a man
wearing such
an unflattering cardigan.
Oh, it's you.
Oh.
Tried to tell you.
Second of all,
I'm going to go over this one
more time for the
benefit of the group.
Chronic halitosis is
a legitimate condition
that affects millions
of Americans in this
country, not just me.
Add one more to that.
God, it's affecting
the fuck out of me.
You probably should see a
doctor.
Okay, if we are all quite
done hurting my feelings,
perhaps we can get
down to brass tacks.
Yo, whatever.
Just breath fast.
Yep.
You owe me for the
full street value
of the product you stole.
Plus a modest penalty.
Trust me, I'm paying
a penalty right now.
Are we done?
Okay.
Hey, Mr. Shadow,
we completely agree
with your terms and conditions,
sir, because it's very clear
that you are a very
powerful drug lord.
That is what's up.
Very powerful.
Probably moving a lot of what,
schedule ones, schedule twos.
Whatever schedule
that breath's on.
Mm-hmm.
I'm going to ask you gentlemen
a very difficult question right
now, but I would appreciate
full transparency.
Flossing's important.
God, it's burning my eyes.
Are you wearing a wire?
A what?!
A wire?
What is a wire?
Love that show.
We're wearing clothes.
That's so crazy.
You gentlemen are
terrible liars.
My girlfriend says
the same thing.
Goons.
Dispose of them.
-Goons?
-Goons?
Let's go.
Shoot those fucking pricks.
Move.
Move.
What the hell?
Oh, no.
This is all your fault.
How is this my fault?
Because the Glock says so.
He's never wrong.
What's up, baby?
Freeze!
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Help!
Oh, God.
Shut up.
No, it burns.
Looks like we lost another one.
I actually liked this guy.
What the?
Thanks, pops.
Is it over?
It's over.
Somebody call LDEE.
Come get your ass.
I need medical attention.
I would not want to
be his nurse.
He sawed me off.
What?
What the hell?
Trisha?
JR, you really are
a disappointment to me.
Trisha?
First, you stole my weed,
then you got Shadow killed.
He was my number one man.
You've taken something of mine,
so I've taken
something of yours.
If you want to see your lovely
Trisha again, come to 3900
Mulholland Drive tonight.
Don't involve your police
friends or Trisha will
be made to feel very sad.
Ma!
Ma, you got to go to a
friend's house.
I don't have time to explain.
Just pack a bag.
Please!
Ma, come on.
Ma, what the ...
Ma?
Ma.
JR,
guess who I found pleasuring
herself on the sofa?
This girl.
You have a very special mom.
Oh, my God. That's, like, so
sweet, because...
Okay, whoa. Relax.
If you want to see her again...
JR, what the fuck did you
do?
...don't keep me waiting.
No.
JR.
JR.
JR.
We saw some guys break into your
mom's place on the camera.
They took off like
15 minutes ago.
What the hell is happening?
Shadow wasn't the real boss.
The real drug lord
kidnapped my mom and Trisha.
I fucked up.
No, don't say that.
I fucked up.
Come on, man.
We fucked up.
Yeah, and it gets worse.
What?
Those motherfuckers
barbecued Bruce.
They said we had 14 days.
14 days from the time of his
death, not the next day
when we met Trisha
at the funeral home.
-We messed the days up.
-Yeah.
I'm sorry for everything.
I'm sorry about the police.
So you're a bitch-ass punk.
What else is new?
Sorry I went all Karen
on your ass about the police.
All right, enough
with the apologies.
We have to get your
mom and Trisha back.
-Let's go.
-We?
Oh, no.
I'm not getting
you guys involved.
Shut up, okay?
We all got involved
back in middle school.
We're already in.
Yeah, you got
a problem with that?
All right, Bruce, you stay here.
Keep his mom company.
Let's go!
Do you guys really think
they fit all of him in there?
We are going
to need a diversion.
And weapons
would have been nice.
They've got the upper hand,
but we've got something they
don't have.
-The element of surprise.
-The moral high ground?
No.
Uh oh.
The wipers?
That's faster.
That's worse.
Okay.
Fuck it.
All right.
What a great audience.
Keep it going
for your wait staff.
So nice to be here.
Oh, my God.
So nice to be performing
for really the world's oldest
extra from the movie
Taken Three.
Douche bag.
Get the fuck out of here.
Okay, I got to get going.
Getting the light from,
obviously,
the old man in the bathtub
outdoors in this
Cialis commercial.
Oh, shit!
Speaking of small spaces
with an old man
awkwardly crammed inside.
How is your mom's box doing?
Wait, you forgot the best part.
Behind you.
Took you long enough.
I was dying up there.
You're getting funnier.
Wait, what are you doing?
We're just supposed
to be the diversion.
JR's gonna need us.
You coming or what?
Is there gonna be
a place to poop?
I didn't go before.
Got your little silly ass.
Frankie?
What's up, JR?
You're the drug lord that
kidnapped my mom and Trisha?
I bet that seems weird,
huh?
You can put the bong
down on the ground.
Why?
Why the hell are
you selling drugs?
You're a tv star.
You're rich.
Rich?
Understatement.
Dude, I was on a network show,
okay?
Syndicated. Contingent
compensation checks.
But life is about purpose.
When I made all that money,
my business manager said to me,
now is the time
to secure your future.
Invest in something you love.
I love drugs.
I always have.
So I bought a struggling cartel.
-You could do that?
-I know, right?
Who knew?
Check this out.
Cool, huh?
Geek squad hooked
it up for your boy. Haha!
Hey, come on.
Check out what's in here.
You're going to love it.
It's the best part.
I promise.
This is so fun.
This is the coolest
part of my whole house.
I act, I race cars,
I run a cartel.
But my real passion is painting.
This is my studio.
Mom, Trisha!
Hey! Hey, guys.
JR, what the fuck is going on?
Is this your girlfriend?
It is so nice to meet you.
We should have her
over for dinner.
Are you vegan?
You look vegan.
My mouth is so dry.
Cow tongue.
Meow. Blach.
She took Biblica by her Va-JJ.
Oh, Va-JJ.
Yeah, that's hardcore.
Meow.
Excuse me. This is my time.
Most artists use
oils or acrylics.
I like to work in bodily fluids.
It's much more honest.
This one here,
I call late payment.
Oh, my God.
You're a fucking psychopath.
He looks like a psychopath.
Technically, I have antisocial
personality disorder
with sociopathic tendencies.
That's what my therapist,
Sydney says.
Sydney, this is everybody.
Everybody, Sydney.
Hi, Sydney.
All right, look here, man.
If I'm not outside with my mama
and my girl in two minutes, my
friends are going to call 911.
You mean these friends?
Let's go with me, you fuck turd!
Oh shit!
It's Frankie! What's up, man?
Put him on the ground right
there.
Oh shit.
I'm starting to think we're not
best friends anymore.
Duh!
What happened to being a
distraction?
Sorry, JR.
I want to show you all something
that I am very proud of.
Biblica seeds.
I own everyone in the world.
Nobody can grow this but me.
When you sold me Biblica,
I knew you were thieves.
My cartel has a diverse
portfolio in narcotics.
But you chose to steal
my favorite, and you
got Shadow killed.
You see, that's
a problem for me.
He was the pretend boss.
He kept the heat off of me.
And that's why, JR,
I want to hire you.
What?
To be the new pretend boss.
It's like being a stand in,
except you're gonna make
a shit ton of money.
Not the kind of money I have,
but good fucking money.
Oh, shit.
Congrats, JR.
I knew you could do it, man.
-Oh, baby, I'm so proud of you.
-Mom.
Look, you are
perfect for the part.
The cops are going to think
that you got Shadow killed so
you could be the new leader.
But you do have
to audition right here.
You have everybody
in the world that you love.
You pick one to die,
and you've got the part.
Oh, I hope he picks me.
-Nah.
-No.
Nah, no way.
Okay then, you all die.
You sick fuck.
You've got 10
seconds to decide.
I would pick this one right
here.
Wait.
How do I know you're not lying?
If Sydney were here,
I mean, here and able to talk,
she would tell you
I'm incapable of lying.
It's part of my psychosis.
My least favorite
part, by the way.
Let me see here.
Mmmm!
JR...
You choose one to die,
and the other four walk
out of here alive and well.
You have my word.
Hey, he looks like the guy
from the tv show...
The Middle.
Ah.
You're punking me.
You guys are punking me.
You guys are good.
You went so far.
You're such a good girlfriend.
I know.
Okay, let's just kill them all.
Wait! Wait.
I've made my decision.
I choose myself.
What?
The Holy Trinity.
-I wasn't expecting that.
-Holy Trinity? What's that?
JR, no!
Hazel eyes. Butter pecan.
You got your whole
life ahead of you.
Don't do it.
Not what he said, but, yeah.
Don't do it.
JR.
I love you all.
Do it.
No!
-No!
-Yeah.
No, JR!
What's going on?
No! Stop!
What's happening?
Beautiful. Isn't it?
Bruce?
What's up, man?
Oh, my goodness.
It's so good.
Bruce, what are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
Where is here?
Well, we call this the Ain't.
Because we ain't in heaven
and we ain't really in hell.
And honestly, we're
just in the Ain't.
Bro, it ain't too bad.
Look at that.
Oh, hey.
Oh, yeah.
This place ain't bad at all.
Oh, yeah, and you
gotta try this.
You gotta try that.
Weed in the afterlife?
It's the bomb.
Oh, that's gas!
Umm...
Hey, Bruce.
Look, man, I'm sorry I didn't
get you buried in Passaic.
Dude, I wasn't trying to get
you to bury me in Passaic.
I was trying to tell you about
my will, the law firm,
Bernstein and Rush in Passaic?
Yeah, because my parents,
they left me everything
that they had and I left you,
Cori and Miles
everything that I had.
You had money?
Yeah.
Yeah, I just didn't want to tell
you about it because honestly,
I didn't want to fuck
up our friendship.
Mo money, mo problems, you know?
Boy, don't I know it.
How do you think
I ended up here?
Okay, but I don't
want you to bury me.
I want you to smoke me.
I want you to use my ashes
to fertilize some weed.
Then I want to get all
up in your synapses.
Hey, Bruce, as much as I would
love to have you all up
in my synapses,
I smoked the holy trinity.
I'm pretty sure
I'm dead as shit.
Well, actually,
you ain't really dead.
And you ain't really
alive either.
Dog, you just... Ain't.
Hold on.
So you're telling me
there's a way back home?
You know, legend did say that
chosen one
can smoke the mythical
Holy Trinity and live
to talk about it.
But, dude, look around you.
Why would you ever
want to leave here?
This is enough weed
to smoke for an eternity.
Look, look.
Come on!
-Bruce.
-Come on. Look at it.
Look, as awesome as this place
is man,
I can't stay here.
I gotta get back to them.
I always knew you
were special, JR.
I'm gonna miss you, man.
Same.
-Cross my heart.
-Toke to high.
Woah.
Holy shit!
He's the Green Lantern!
No, you idiot!
He's The One.
Good shit!
Hello! Shoot him!
Die, motherfucking weed Genie!
Oh! JR.
If I kiss you,
am I going to go
flying across the room?
Oh, I don't know, but I don't
think we should risk it.
Okay, we can risk it.
-Aw, you guys.
-Are you okay, Ma?
You mean to tell me I
should have been smoking
weed this whole time?
Yeah, Ma.
Oh. Do you think we can hit an
In and Out on the way home?
Oh, 100%.
I don't know what the hell I
just smoked.
I don't eat meat.
And there you have it.
And with Bruce's money
and the Biblica seeds we took
from Frankie, we took over Black
Ops and gave it a facelift
and opened a fully licensed
and legal Heavenly High.
My mom became our
top sales person.
Purple Herpal. Three box of
gummies.
Oh, and you have
to try our CBD balm.
It's the bomb.
Trisha's skills running
a funeral home made her
the perfect General
Manager for Heavenly High.
She even likes dealing
with the living.
And let's just say she
and I share an office.
JuanaLube changed everything for
Cori.
Blowing the top off the sexual
lubricant market and taking
the world by storm.
She ended up rebranding her
entire orgasm line
and in the process managed
to rebrand herself.
Edibles, though.
Holy shit.
Edibles are the most vindictive,
vengeful form of THC.
Now that Miles found his voice
and confidence,
he started his own open mic for
himself and other young comics.
You don't hear anything
until you start talking shit.
You take an edible,
30 minutes goes by.
Yeah, I don't feel anything.
These edibles, weak.
And then edibles like, what the
fuck did you just say about me?
How are you going to talk shit
when your asshole is
literally on the floor?
Bruce got his last wish.
Fertilizing the newest crop of
Biblica.
Synapses all over the world are
getting a taste of Bruce
and loving every minute of it.
As for me, being The One opened
up something inside, it got
me thinking about my pops.
So I decided to take a journey
back east to go ahead
and seek him out.
-Babe, are you okay?
-What?
Who were you just talking to?
Oh, sometimes I feel like
I'm narrating my own movie.
Maybe you should take
a break on the Biblica.
Just for a minute.
Yeah, maybe I should.
Bro, your journey east will be
difficult with deserts to cross
and mountains to climb.
Actually, I paid extra for an
exit row
seat on JetBlue, so I'm good.
-Oh, that should be too.
-Yeah.
Son, I want you to stay safe.
And also, you say hi
to your daddy for me.
-Yes, ma'am.
-That's right.
Yeah.
Hurry back.
I miss you.
See you soon.
See you soon.
You're going to be right
here when I get back?
I'm just making sure.
-Right here.
I love you all.
Take care of the store.
Cue the music.
I'm the hero of the story.
You can tell because of the way
they start out on my feet
and then move up my body to show
that I'm a mighty-looking dude.
So the thing about mighty,
sometimes you just got to fake
it and hope you make it.
New town, new school,
new opportunities.
My mom divorced my pops
and moved us across the country
because he was a bad influence.
That's code for smoking
weed all day every day.
My name is Thurgood
Jenkins Jr.
But all my
friends call me JR
I'm 14 years old
with nothing but promise.
I'm breaking necks,
cash, and checks and...
Oh, watch where
you're going, bro.
Nice thong, dude.
Hey, new kid.
Fucking new kid.
Okay, so maybe things weren't
going as well as I hoped.
But that was all
about the change,
because that's when I met...
-You got a problem?
Cori.
No.
And these two usual
suspects: Bruce and Miles.
What's that smell?
Oh, this is just
Mother Nature's finest creation.
Weed.
-Want some?
-Nah.
If I got caught
using drugs...
This ain't no drug.
This is a natural herb
that grows from the earth, man.
Like chicken.
I mean, cilantro.
Just think of it like salad:
it makes you live longer.
And makes you happier.
Is that true?
Who knows?
But it should be.
I don't know, man.
Bro, your underwear must have
been pulled so high it
split your nut sack.
This will make you forget about
all of that.
It's like hitting
a reset button.
Sometimes you just got to say.
-Fuck it.
-Yes.
I finally understood
why my dad smoked weed.
It was as if with that one puff,
my troubles started
to drift away.
Is that sweet, sizzling,
silly stick I smell?
Am I the only one seeing
a joint with a face?
That's definitely
a joint with a face.
Bro.
Your mom's weed
is the shit, man.
Come on, give me a hit.
Oh, that smells like a cousin.
Put it in there, child.
Nobody told me my first time
smoking weed would result
in a collective hallucination.
That's going to leave
stretch marks.
What do we have here?
That's a lot stronger than the
shit we used to smoke in 1998.
Don't be late for
class, butter cups.
From that moment on,
we four became inseparable,
badass, ball-packing
mother fuckers.
This is me now, a fully grown
man with a full-time job.
Much has changed.
We had a black President,
then an orange one.
College costs as
much as a house,
but weed got a whole
lot easier to get your hands on.
I work for the US Post Office.
I am a Chief Operating
Package Distributor,
or a clerk if you
want to be a dick about it.
I can't say this is my dream
job, but I'm good at it.
And hey, Abe Lincoln worked
at the post office,
so did Walt Disney
and Sherman Hemsley
of the goddamn Jefferson.
Let's see, what
do we have today?
What do we have today?
Hey, guys, this next-day air is
fragile, so handle it with care.
Please?
Thank you.
Who's going to get it out?
Miles may look like your
standard geek economy side
hustler, but his dream job
is to be a stand-up comedian.
Problem is he suffers
from stage fright,
so for now,
he just tries out his new
material on his customers.
What's the difference between
a hippie chick
and a hockey player?
Hockey player showers
after three periods.
Hmmm.
Rate me five stars.
One star.
Asshole.
Actually,
one of my better shows.
Bruce is a weed genius
and thinks we should start
a dispensary together.
We just need to find a location,
pick a name, and all the other
things you need
to start a business.
Until then,
he's working as a security
guard slash snack whisper.
Purple Punch.
You're going to want volume
munchy's.
-Goldfish. Isle two.
-All right, thanks, man.
Enjoy.
Hey, so I got this hybrid.
Just a moment, ma'am.
Spidey senses
are tingling.
Excuse me, sir.
I'm going to need you to drop
your pants and give
me that meat.
What?
That sounded
different in my head.
Man, you ain't going to do shit,
grocery bitch boy.
I'm about to walk out the door
because you ain't got
the balls to stop me.
Really?
Speaking of balls.
Yeah.
Yeah, who's the bitch
boy now, huh?
Cori is a full-time content
creator
with the hopes of becoming
a successful entrepreneur
in the only sport
where everyone wins.
Ladies, declare victory
in the battle for erotic
pleasure with my line
of sexual weaponry.
We've got them.
Pound your panty hamster
into blissful
submission with my WMDs.
Whip into night delight.
The Pucker Buster.
Cheeva the destroyer.
Tomahawk.
And for double trouble,
The Twins!
Free lubricating gel
for the first 100 orders.
Declare Double V with natural
victory, with Wargasm.
Eat that world.
-How did it go?
-Great.
Posted on Snake's platforms,
streamed on my Twitch.
I'm thinking Fortune 500
by the end of the year.
-Fuck yeah.
-Yeah.
You're like a hoarder,
but for jobs.
Yeah.
What up?
What up you all?
Hey, have any of you
all seen my split case?
-No.
-No.
It's always in the first
place that you look.
You mean the last
place you look?
I haven't been able
to find it all day.
-My dad gave me that case.
-Oh, shit.
Got it.
My dog.
Okay, this shit is about
to turn up right now.
-Let's go.
-Oh, boy.
I'm going to give you one guess
as to what I have in this
beautiful little case.
-A tiny camera?
-No.
I don't know, man.
But has anyone ever told you
that you look like
Kirkland brand Tom Holland?
I get that a lot.
What is the rarest,
most expensive, downright
mythical weed that you can name?
-Go.
-Tastic.
-Tobango.
-Maui Waui.
Oh, no.
Okay, how many types
of smokable cannabis
plants are there?
Two.
Indica for body,
high sativa for mind.
Wrong.
That's what most people think.
But the high priests
of High Times magazine have
written about another
ancient strain of weed.
Not only does this affect your
mind and your body,
you feel the high from this
ancient strain in your
mother fucking soul.
Oh, I need to smoke
that immediately.
My soul is shady as fuck.
Yeah, it is.
Okay, I give to you,
Biblica, the goat of weed.
Bullshit.
There's no way that's real.
That's just some fairy tale,
stoner myth,
like an attractive truck driver.
Nah, you all.
Actually, I heard my dad
talk about Biblica once.
He would say, Son,
one day if you're a good boy,
maybe you'll get
to smoke Biblica.
Look, my dad had
a one-track mind, all right?
But I'm pretty
sure Pop smoked it.
Your dad is where you get
your cool jeans from, bro.
That's a fucking fact, Jay.
Sometimes I put my dad's jeans
in the dryer and I just hold
them because then it
feels like he just left.
Sometimes I feel like
I need to hold you.
Oh, that smells heavenly.
All for one...
and one for
mother fucking all.
Why so funny?
I am Kabasi!
Kabasi.
Fucking raccoons, man.
It's me, Gandalf,
lord of the crunch.
JR,
it's crunch o'clock.
Oh oh, yeah!
All righty, you all
ready to amp this up?
What the hell you got going on?
Next level, baby.
The fuck is that?
This is the holy trinity.
It's when you combine each
of the three strains of weed and
you smoke them at the same time.
Legend has it that when you
smoke the Holy Trinity, it
allows your spirit to elevate
to places that no mere
mortal could ever go.
No way that's real.
Check this out.
Potlord.com,
the holy trinity,
a triple joint with all three
main strains together that only
the chosen one can smoke.
All others who try shall die.
They're liars.
No one's ever died
from smoking weed.
It's just some internet
disinformant bullshit.
-Yeah.
-Like Candy Man, right?
Just another urban legend.
Because nothing happens
if I say Candy Man.
Candy Man.
We don't want some mo-fo
to gut us like trout.
-Oh, my God.
-Dudes, just relax.
There's not a mirror even close.
And there was a virgin present.
Okay, you guys,
look at this bad boy.
I'm going to go first.
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Bruce?
Say something.
Bruce?
Oh, shit.
Yeah, you got us.
I'm too high for this.
Don't act stupid.
Bruce, my fucking table!
Bruce, Bruce.
Hey, man, say something, bro.
Bruce, hey, buddy.
Come on, we're here.
We're here, man.
Thank you for being so cool.
Your friend died
of a weed overdose?
I smoke weed every day
and never overdose.
No, but that's the truth.
He smoked something called
the holy trinity joint.
What the fuck is
a holy trinity joint?
-It's when you combine-
-I don't give a fuck.
You asked.
That is a rhetorical question.
You brought the wolves
over to my house.
I'm running two brothels,
a chop shop,
and an unlicensed
nail salon.
I can't have people
dying in my complex.
It's bad for business.
And plus you are late on the
rent, so get the fuck out.
Actually, we paid you
all the rent yesterday.
What kind of Jedi mind trip
bullshit are you playing with
me?
You didn't pay me
shit yesterday.
I thought it was going to work.
Sorry about that.
Listen up, mother bitches.
I'm going to be
back in 24 hours.
You and all your shitty shit
better be gone or I will kick
your ass and change the locks.
Weed overdose. Ha!
Fuck you.
Hey man, fuck you too.
I can't believe Bruce is gone.
I know.
It doesn't feel real.
What did Bruce say
to you before he died?
It was like
p-p-p-p-p-pass or something.
He said p-p-Passaic.
Passaic, New Jersey?
Like where he's from?
It's also where his
parents are buried.
So he wants us
to bury him there.
Don't worry, Bruce.
We'll get you back home
no matter what it takes.
How the hell did
you find this place?
It's Five Stars on Yelp,
and it was the only one
the comments section didn't link
to a subreddit about
the merits of necrophilia.
It doesn't look cheap.
It smells like dead people.
You're more like onion rings.
I'm never having onion rings
again.
Either I'm high as hell or
there is an angel walking
towards us in slow motion.
Hi, I'm Trisha Mitchell,
the funeral director.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
What loss?
Oh, yes, our friend passed away.
As I understand it,
you need to have your friend
Bruce's remains prepared
and shipped across the country
to Passaic, New Jersey?
Yeah, and we don't
have a lot of money.
We don't have any money.
Well, we have some money.
Okay? Collectively, as a group.
I do all right.
Right now I'm using
a grocery bag as underwear.
Yeah.
Right.
Okay, all in all,
the total will be about 40,000.
Excuse me?
Yeah, I know it's a lot,
but keep in mind
that transporting the deceased
across the country
is a big deal.
Okay, what if we just drive him
to New Jersey and then we
just bury him ourselves?
My mom, she's got all these
ex-boyfriends
that live in Jersey.
We could just bury
him in the back.
The yard is small.
I've been there.
Yeah, it's done in a cool way.
We break his back
so it's smaller.
What are we, the New York mob?
My last name is Jenkins,
not Soprano.
Okay, can we just think about it
and talk it out
and get back to you?
You guys are funny.
Okay,
be aware that you do only have
14 days to claim the body or
the Bureau will cremate your
friend and dispose of his
remains in a county grave.
Damn.
Okay, well, thank you
for the information.
Yeah.
Whatever you need,
I'm here to help.
-You're going to be right here?
-Right here.
All right.
Mother fuckers.
They're just gonna burn him and
then
bury him with a
bunch of randoms?
Unless we come up
with $40,000 in 14 days.
I thought you said
this place was cheap.
Well, it's cheaper
than the other ones.
It doesn't matter.
We're going to get the money.
Somehow, some way,
we're going to get
Bruce back home.
Yeah.
I'll let Trisha know.
I bet you will.
-Hey, come on now.
-For Bruce.
Bruce.
For Bruce.
-I want to get laid for Bruce.
-Yeah, me too.
Hey.
-I hope I'm not interrupting.
-No.
Ummm...
We're going to do it.
We'll get the money.
Okay, great.
Yeah, I just have one question.
Do dead people smell
like onion rings?
Onion rings smell
like onion rings.
You want some?
Oh, for sure.
I thought I was
in here tripping.
-Take one.
-The aroma in here is potent.
You know?
So, like working with dead
people, huh?
You know what? I actually do.
Yeah, it makes you appreciate
life a little more.
Mm-hm.
But my favorite part is
at the end of the night when
everyone leaves, I just give
all the dead guy's hand jobs.
And if you do it right,
they bust dust.
Sorry.
I'm joking.
Okay.
-Oh, ma'am.
-Got you.
-You got me good.
-I have a weird sense of humor.
Sorry.
Okay, so
if you go to our website,
you can just
browse all the casket choices
and my personal
info is on the back.
Oh.
Okay.
Thanks.
I'll reach out.
I'll call you.
Okay.
Why can't we just stay at your
mom's place for a few weeks?
Bro, you know we ain't spoke
since she kicked me
out for smoking weed.
Come on.
Who is it?
Hey, Mom, it's me.
It's just Miles.
-What do you want?
-It's just that my friends and I
we just need a place to stay.
No, you can't stay here.
It's just for a few
days, though.
If we could just-
look, man, your mom said you
can't stay anymore, dude.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, but where are you?
I'm the man that's fucking
your mom right now.
Oh.
Like you guys are dating or you
were literally just doing
sex in my mom?
Literally, I just had my thumb
up your mom's ass.
Okay, that doesn't
smell like anything.
Oh.
-That's my mom's hole.
-Damn!
Mommy, are you okay?
Hey, prove that you're
with Miss Thomas.
Miss Thomas's middle
name is Barbara, girl.
Bro, you could have got
that from her driver's license.
She also has the letter M
tattooed on both ass cheeks.
So when she bends
over it says "Mom."
Or when she's laying
on her back, it says "Wow."
Wow, Miles,
your mom is a freak.
She's my freak, boy.
Mommy, are you okay in there?
Miles, I told you when you
graduated high school that you
couldn't live here anymore.
You never did any
of your chores.
You smoked all my weed,
even my roaches.
And now not only do you have
the nerve to ask me if you can
stay here, but you bring two
other mother fuckers
that you know I don't like?
-Hi, Miss Thomas.
-Hi, Miss Thomas.
I'm so sorry, Miles.
If I could fire you
as my kid, I would.
Bye!
-Somebody's fired, huh?
-Come on.
Tell you the hell off.
Mommy.
Damn.
Guess we're sleeping in the car.
Well, no. Can we at least try my
mom's house?
Why didn't we just do
that shit in the first place?
Instead of seeing my mom
all greasy like that?
Because then we wouldn't have
known your mom was
fucking the predator.
Come on.
JR?
JR, what are you doing here?
Are you hurt?
Oh, no, Mom.
We just need a place to stay.
The prodigal son returns.
Come on in.
Sweet little Bruce?
Yeah, it was kind of an
overdose.
He smoked a combination of three
super strong strains of weed.
Holy shit.
What have I always told
you about weed, JR?
You never believed me
and now poor Bruce.
And he asked us to bury
him with his parents.
Whoa, that's heavy.
And then our landlord
kicked us out.
So please, Mom,
can we just stay here
for a little while just until we
save enough money to bury
Bruce's body and
find a new place?
Let me guess.
You don't have
any money saved up
because you spent
it all on marijuana.
I don't spend all
my money on marijuana.
Liar.
You don't not spend all
your money on marijuana.
Facts.
JR
When are you going
to find your purpose?
You're high all the time.
You have no direction.
I can't remember the last
time you had a girlfriend.
Okay, I just don't
want you to end up
a burnt out loser
like your father.
Okay, you all
can stay here.
Yes!
-Temporarily.
-Okay.
And here is the law.
No smoking weed.
-You feel me?
-Yes, ma'am.
Got it.
Just edibles.
No, no edibles.
No drugs of any kind.
Okay, fine.
Okay, that's the enthusiasm you
have for me letting
you stay in my house?
Fine.
What is wrong with her?
Love you, Ma.
I'm going to work.
Black ops.
We got you a legal weed
for your legal needs.
Feeling stressed
about your 401K?
You need to get faded after
putting Little Chad
and Chastity to bed?
Black ops.
We got every strain
for your...
Get lit.
At these prices, legal
weeds should be illegal.
We got 14 days to come
up with over $39,000.
That's a whole lot of bread
in a short amount of time.
-We could breed, Zig and Zag.
-For pets?
Or meat.
Depends on the customer.
The decision from HR
is final, Curtis.
-So you're fired.
-Fired?
I've been working
here for 15 years.
And this is your second
violation for sending
provocative pictures
to your coworkers.
They're wanting to see
what I'm working with.
According to both ladies,
neither wanted to see that.
Man, I need this job.
I'm broke.
I spent all my money last
week on this Gucci belt.
Not even real Gucci.
And I was trying to stunt
for the gram, thirst
trap these bitches.
I don't know what that is.
I bet you you wouldn't
you Mr. Rogers
looking mother fucker.
You know what?
I was about to quit
this job today anyway.
-Curtis.
-No, don't Curtis me.
Do not.
You with the bullshit.
Curtis, I am calling the police.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Fuck this job.
-Yeah.
-Hold, please.
Why are you calling the cops?
Just let him go.
Are you calling
the police on me?
Uhh...
-Fuck you.
-What?
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
You're cool.
And fuck you.
I'm out.
Watch your bitch ass.
Well, that was something, huh?
Yeah, this one is fragile, sir.
You might want to do
something with it.
Yeah, you might want
to clean this shit up.
I'm taking lunch.
Thanks, Thurgood.
All right you all, you heard
him.
Let's clean this shit up.
I hit a lit.
The ganja gods had blessed
me with boxes of Biblica.
Biblica.
And for whatever reason...
Glow sticks.
Y'all are some weird
mother fuckers, man.
Now, I had two options.
I can to do the ethical thing.
Pack the weed back in their
original boxes and make sure
they got to their
proper destinations,
or...
Is it because you're
fucking my mom..
What the fuck?
You all can't smoke in here.
You don't even
have a window open.
Relax.
Cori figured out how to get
the security cameras on our
phones and I didn't open
the window because, ta-da,
found an air purifier.
It's not even plugged in.
I knew it...
It doesn't matter.
My mom is like
a weed bloodhound.
She could smell the tiniest
drop of blood in the water.
Oh, so she's more
like a weed shark.
Okay, semantics.
Stop smoking weed.
JR, what the fuck?
That's all we had.
Not anymore.
Here.
Is that?
Hell, yeah.
Biblica.
My boy, Curtis,
went postal at work.
Hopped on a forklift,
knocked over all the packages,
and then boom, voila.
I found this.
It must be five pounds.
Oh, my God.
We can make so
much pot brownies.
No, Cannabutter.
No, lube.
Oh, marijuana lube.
Oh, JuanaLube.
Not an awful idea,
but I can do you one better.
We can sell the shit
out of this weed.
Raise the money we need to get
Bruce's body back before they
cremate him and still have some
dough left over to move
out of my mom's house.
No, we don't have
a license to sell, okay?
We'd be doing this illegally.
Fuck a license.
Guys, this is a once
in a lifetime opportunity.
We raise the money
and we're done.
Damn, I'm fucking in.
Okay, for the record,
I think this is a horrible
idea, but I'm in.
First, we need a plan.
Welcome to how
to start a business.
First step for any
new entrepreneur,
know your product.
Yo, eyes on the road, man.
You better hit this again.
Yo, I'm good.
Oh, this is definitely Biblica.
Motherfuckers!
You're blocking the sidewalk,
you fucking assholes.
Step two, advertise your
product.
We tried selling Biblica
on the dark web,
but that was straight sus.
This is criminal behavior.
What the hell?
-That's not good.
-Is that a helicopter?
Oh! Shit!
-No!
-Help!
Oh, hell no.
So instead, we decided
to use social media
like all the other drug dealers.
Step three,
packaging your product for
distribution.
Good morning, sweet boy.
Good morning, momma.
How's the apartment hunt going?
Oh, still hunting.
Well, time's a ticking.
You better be hitting it today.
Oh, momma, I could promise you
we will be hitting it today for
sure.
Good.
Now you're ready for the
fourth and final step,
sell that shit.
Wassup, you looking for Heavenly
High?
Don't go smoking too much.
Don't get carried away.
You got the cash?
Let's see that Biblica.
That Biblica shit is good,
right?
You're all right.
Heey!
What's up?
What's up, Palenta?
Well, if it isn't
my fourth grade teacher.
Gotcha.
Yo, what's up?
I got the stankiest
of the dankiest, my man.
Heavenly High yet you're high.
We have a gentlemen here, you
know,
still worried about skin cancer.
The sun, really, the silent
killer.
Holy shit!
You're Jeff Ross,
like the roast master.
I mean, dude, you are
literally my favorite comedian.
Oh, man, thanks.
Right next to Dave Chappelle,
Pryor, George Carlin,
Hallie Wong, Sarah Silverman.
As much as I'm enjoying this,
I really just want to get
my weed and get out of here.
This is heavenly!
Yeah, so I also...
I also do...
Well, I guess I'm trying to do
stand up.
Oh, cool, man.
Hit me with your best joke.
Like here?
Yeah, come on, man.
Tell me your joke.
Okay, so there's too many
flavors of chips these days.
I mean, you got sour cream,
and if you're a stoner,
you just want...
You don't need all these
flavors.
Look, you're a regular Bill
Cosby
because you're putting me to
sleep.
Okay, yeah, sorry, yeah.
I was, like,
a little bit nervous.
Nervous?
I could smell your
flop sweat from here.
And why the hell are
you trying to impress
this broken-down Bruce Willis?
That's good.
That's good.
Hey, you should take
lessons from your mom.
It's Jeff Ross.
Okay, Roastmaster.
Yeah, I know who I am.
Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah.
Knock knock.
A knock knock joke?
What's your name, man?
Miles.
Miles,
as in please stay miles away
from a fucking microphone.
Who's there?
Door.
Door, who?
Open the fucking door, Miles.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Yeah.
I would love to open for you
sometime.
I got something to cheer you up.
Smell it.
No!
Smell it.
No, mom, no!
Biblica was selling so fast,
we could barely keep
up with the orders.
Word on the street had Heavenly
High
in everyone's mouth and
everyone wanted a taste.
We were one step closer
to hitting our goal
and getting Bruce home.
Business was good.
Maybe too good.
-Diesel!
-Brittany.
How's my favorite entrepreneur?
Muah! Muah!
I'm good.
How are you doing?
I am ready to spend some money.
Well, you go do that.
All right.
There he is, Bradley.
My man, Tie Dye taking care of
you?
All right, good looks.
LDEE, come here.
This place is fucking empty.
Do something.
You mean like do something do
something?
No.
You're my eyes and ears
on the streets.
So get your eyes and ears
on the streets.
Right now?
Plus it's kind of hot outside,
you know?
Maybe we wait till sundown,
right?
The streets ain't up
till night time anyway.
You know what I'm saying?
Hey, guys, do you have
any of that Biblica?
I hear it's fire.
Biblica? You know what?
We just sold out.
Hmm, too bad.
LDEE!
Meeting. Now.
LDEE?
Biblica.
Why am I only
hearing about it now?
That's just some urban
legend bullshit, man.
Biblica ain't real.
Not real? Interesting.
My customers seem
to think it's real.
Okay.
Studio A's taking a hit.
But look at studio B.
We are good.
We forcing, baby.
We're not good.
I don't take hits.
I'm paying a hipster
cannabis barista.
I have a matcha machine,
an incense machine.
I pay federal, state and local
income tax, utilities.
I've got so many hands in my
pockets,
I can't find my own dick.
Someone's muscling
in on my territory.
We need to send a message, LDEE.
You find these Biblica
selling motherfuckers now!
I lost my temper when I
shouldn't have.
One week had passed
and I finally felt like
I had enough money
to take Trisha out on a date.
You know, you just
got a sense of humor.
Oh, wow.
Thank you so much.
This looks fantastic.
Thank you.
You want a bite before
I start getting busy?
Oh, no, I'm okay.
I'm primarily vegetarian,
with just a little bit of fish.
I mean, you ever smell
bacon in the morning though?
I don't know if I can
live without pork.
I know I can.
Yeah, when I was young,
I experienced
my first burned body.
Real quick, you wonder why the
tribes
in the French Polynesia use
the term poa o'ao or long pig?
Because apparently a piece
of human charred thigh
smells and tastes exactly like
pork.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to...
Girl, it's okay.
I was full off the salad anyway.
Look, it's your work.
I totally understand.
Yeah, work is my life.
Speaking of, did you and your
friends got the money yet?
Because, you know,
the clock is ticking.
Yeah, yeah, we started
a crowdfunding page.
Send me the link,
I'd love to donate.
You're so sweet.
Thank you,
but you know, the link
is temporarily down.
We're just doing a little
maintenance on the website.
Um...
You ever notice how much these
potatoes
look like ping pong balls?
God. Or eyeballs?
Did you know that when
you fall from over 30ft
your eyeballs just pop out of
your head?
No, I didn't know that.
And then they dangle
out of bloody sockets.
It's insane.
Um...
I'm going to go to the restroom
if you excuse me for...
I'm just going to wash my hands.
Is it okay if I
take your potatoes?
You can have as much of all
of this as you would like.
-Thank you.
-Okay.
All right, no problem.
You're going to be
here when I get back?
Right here.
Damn it, Thurgood.
Calm down.
Just smoke this weed,
go in and be cool.
Are you okay?
Oh. Yeah.
-Hi.
-Hi.
I was coming back.
I just needed to get
some fresh air.
I'm sorry.
When I get nervous,
I just talk about work and it
tends to,
you know, make people go away.
That's okay.
I don't mind.
You smell that?
I don't smell nothing.
You smoking weed?
No.
Yes.
Damn.
I'm sorry.
Why are you sorry?
I just...
I'm sorry I lied and I didn't
want...
I don't know, I didn't want you
to get mad at me or too upset.
You know?
My mom divorced my dad
for smoking too much.
My ex-boyfriend lied
to me and kept secrets.
All I ask is if we're
going to hang out,
don't lie to me.
Deal?
Deal.
Now pass that shit.
Do you smoke?
Yes, I smoke.
Oh, shit.
I'm warning you,
this shit is gas.
Oh shit, take your time with it.
It's all right,
put your hands up.
See, that's what we do.
Put the hands up and we just
thank the heavens for the high.
Hmmm. Might work.
What do you think about
this as my standup persona?
Insecure, neurotic dipshit.
I don't know.
You think I could pull that off?
We're selling the tits off of
Biblica,
but my orgasm line is DOA.
I don't get it.
Like having the power of
self-pleasure
and claiming your own orgasm
whenever you wish,
that's empowerment.
Wow.
Not only does that make me
one of the most powerful
people in the world,
but I just empowered myself
in JR's mom's room.
A-ha.
Sick.
Holy shit! We did it.
We have enough
money to bury Bruce.
I'll hit JR, let him
know the good word.
Pizza delivery.
Uh, did you order a pizza?
No, but I love
a delicious mistake.
Unlock it.
Y'all Heavenly High?
Uh, yes.
I mean, unless you don't want us
to be.
Y'all the motherfuckers
selling that Biblica weed?
Chill out, Dr. Phil.
First of all,
don't bumrush us like this.
If you want some,
you're gonna have
to place an order online
just like everyone else
during business hours.
Do we look like we give a fuck
about your hours of operation?
Now which one of
you is in charge?
Well, I mean, I guess I never
really want to put,
like, labels on our positions,
but if you're going to
put a gun to my head,
then I would say I'm the CEO.
Whoa. The fuck?
I set up the distribution
and I do the bookkeeping.
This business wouldn't
exist without me.
I'm the CEO.
Great.
Okay.
I'll kill you first.
You misheard me.
Miles is the CEO.
Miles goes first.
No, I mean, come on.
Do I look like someone that
could be in charge of anything?
I had to repeat the first
grade four times.
They told me I had to go to a
special class that was in a
trailer.
I thought it was special,
but it was for different kids.
Come on.
No, Jr.
JR is the one that's in charge.
All right, who the hell is JR?
Umm...
Wait, wait, no, I know you.
Yeah, you're the black ops guy.
You have that really
expensive weed.
Oh yeah.
Too expensive, huh?
Put it in my suggestion box.
Now where the fuck
is J fucking R?
Oh, we can't really say.
I can't. It's my boy.
Oh, shit.
Wassup, wassup,
wassup, party people?
Whoa. Wassup, wassup?
-What's going on here?
-All right.
Nobody sells dank
on Diesel's turf without
going through Diesel.
Especially not
the stankiest thing.
Now, word on the street is
you're selling Biblica.
And I know there ain't
no such fucking bullshit.
Oh, nah, man, Biblica is real.
Oh, yeah?
Who's your source?
No one.
I work at the post office.
I'm the chief operating
package distributor.
Okay, listen, box boy, I--
I found the weed.
How much did you steal?
Five pounds.
These fucking weed thieves.
All right, $30,000
is what you owe me.
Call it territory tax, all
right?
Uh, so...
Your mom.
Damn.
Can we just talk about
this later maybe?
How about you lower the gun?
One.
-Why are you counting?
-Two.
Please. Okay.
-No.
-Three!
-Two!
-Wait, wait!
Take it!
Damn it.
Oh, I did not know we
were expecting company, JR.
You know, mom,
neither did I.
You must be JR's mom.
He always speaks
so highly of you.
Yeah, we're work associates.
Oh, from the post office?
He's very dependable,
always does what he's told.
Mm-hmm.
That is so good to hear.
Thank you.
I suggest you find another
box of that Biblica.
And I expect another $30,000
next week
or else you're dead.
Do you understand?
Yes, sir.
Well, got to go, mom.
Great meeting you.
Bye.
-Beautiful decor.
-Oh, thank you.
-I did it myself.
-You're a genius.
Thank you.
They are so nice.
You should have your
work friends over more.
Hey, baby,
you want some pancakes?
I wish I could.
They smell great,
but I got to get to work.
Hey, give me a bite.
Get your own.
Okay.
Come on, guys.
I'm sorry.
Hey, JR.
I just want to tell you
how proud I am of you.
Oh, mom.
You're staying off the weed,
which is something your
father could never do.
And, I never told you this
before,
but weed was really starting
to mess with his head.
He started to talk all crazy
about some mystical weed
and how he was the chosen one.
-He said that?
-Yeah.
He was straight up tripping.
Which is another reason why I
had to get you out of there.
But look at you now.
You're doing so great.
I just wish you would do
it in your own apartment.
Yes, ma'am.
And remember to take
Thing One and Thing Two with
you.
Give me some.
Guys, please stop
playing with your food.
My mom's gonna whip
all of our asses.
Thank you.
And take this in case
you get hungry.
-What is that?
-Oh, black beauty.
Why does it have a name?
Here you go.
Okay, so you got the banana
and...
You know what, Cori?
Please stop letting my mom
play with your toys.
She strong armed me for it, JR.
It's called healthy sexuality--
-I love you. Goodbye.
-Bye.
I'm going to lunch.
Keep an eye on things, Thurgood.
You got it, Dick.
You know it's Richard.
Again, is it, though?
Okay, have a good one.
Drive safe.
With Diesel on our ass,
finding more Biblica suddenly
turned into a life or death
situation.
And it was all up to me
and my nose to find it.
Talk about a spliff in a
haystack.
Nose, don't fail me now.
No...
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
It's all right.
You coming with me.
And you, too.
The human body is
a really incredible thing.
Did you know she was
a classically trained dancer?
No.
Top of her class.
Mr. Shadow.
What could possibly be so urgent
that you would interrupt
Ms. Shaquana mid performance?
Some of our packages aren't
making it to their final
destination.
Mm-hmm.
And what packages
might these be?
Biblica.
Shaquana, my dear,
I'm afraid we'll have
to pick this up another time.
Daddy needs a little me time.
Gotta think this through.
It's believed only Shuang Zhong
Baghita
or the chosen one could survive
smoking these three strains of
marijuana.
-Weird.
-What?
That llama looks just like you.
The Shaolins forbade the
smoking of the three dragons.
Like, not even a little bit.
Look at that man's head.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, I need to run
an errand real quick.
Okay, every night you get a text
and then say you have to leave.
So is there another woman?
Trisha, no.
You know I don't
get down like that.
Okay.
Is this the sex thing?
Because I told you I have to
trust you
before I let my freak out.
No, no.
Feel free to freak when
you freaking feel like it.
You know what I mean?
Hey.
2 grams.
1245 Moorpark Ave.
Oh, my God.
You're a drug dealer.
No.
I mean, technically, but, like,
not full time.
What?
Just a part time drug dealer?
Trish,
I wanted to tell you.
I didn't want to scare you off.
I really like you, you know?
And my mom divorced-
Yeah, I'm not your mom, JR.
I know,
but, like, it still shook my
house up.
No, no, no,
we made a deal
and you broke it.
So...
Get out.
What?
Trisha, come on.
Get out.
Okay.
What's going on?
Hey.
Look at this.
Yeah!
Bye, buddy!
The one?
Yeah, I just never thought
of myself as a dealer,
more as a supplier, like,
humanitarian.
Wassup.
Yo.
Hey, Mr. Jeff Ross.
Hey, man.
You know I was just busting
your balls the other day, right?
So do you really want
to be a comedian?
More than anything.
It's all I think about, but I
just feel like no one really
wants to hear what I have to
say.
You think it was easy for me
trying to make it in show
business looking like The Rock
if he lived next
to a nuclear power plant?
Don't ever tell anyone this,
but I'm going to tell you my
mantra.
Fuck it.
If you're up there and you're
bombing
and the audience is booing,
fuck it, just get right back on
stage.
Fuck it.
And if you tell anybody my
mantra,
I'm going to cut your balls off
and I'm going to feed
them to my goldfish,
and then I'm going to feed
them their regular food
because they'll still be hungry.
Thanks, Mr. Ross.
Nah, don't thank me, Miles.
Just--
Get back out there and--
No, give me my fucking weed.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Trisha,
where are you at?
Trisha, I really need to talk...
To you.
JR, what are you doing here?
You can't just
show up at my work.
I'm sorry.
I just want to come clean.
Oh, now you want to be real?
Can you just hear me out,
please?
Well, if you're here, you might
as well make yourself useful.
Oh, you want me
to come over there?
Right here.
-What, next to the--
-Mm-hmm.
That's the smell you was
talking about at dinner.
Okay.
Hold that.
Hold what? His penis?
Hold it.
Okay.
So you were saying?
I found some weed at work.
I stole that weed from work,
and now my best
friends and I are selling it
to raise the money to
get Bruce's body back.
Cradle the balls.
What?
So the formaldehyde circulates.
So, that's...
Okay, that's a two-hand
operation then.
So this is the crowdfunding
you mentioned?
Yeah, yeah,
and we're using the rest of the
money
to move out of my momma's house.
You still live with your momma,
too?
Mm-hmm. Look, I know,
but, hey, at least now you
know everything, right?
I was just trying to do the
right thing and bury my buddy.
I just should have
been honest with you.
I'm hoping that you
and I could be, like,
permanent.
What?
Girl, I meant that.
That was from the heart.
I didn't even write
that shit down.
What is so fun...
Oh, shit, the dick?
I ain't got to be
holding this shit?
Oh, that was a cold cock, for
real.
Get over here.
Apology accepted.
Okay, so this is your room?
Yeah, this is it.
Oh, wow.
You never said
anything about animals.
Oh, girl, I'm an animal!
I mean, yeah.
Oh, the rabbits.
Not mine.
Story for another time.
Want to smoke?
Fuck that.
Damn, woman.
You are on.
Sorry, I didn't
mean to wear jeans.
Wooo!
Oh, I'm sorry, are you okay?
Shut up and choke me, bitch.
Oh, you really are a freak.
Yeah, you can bite me.
Ow! Damn, girl!
I said bite, not chomp.
Okay.
Ooh, ooh, watch it.
Next, please.
How are we on this lovely
morning?
-Terrific!
Apologies.
It is a postal emergency.
I have some packages
that have gotten lost
at this post office.
Oh, that's terrible,
about your packages.
Who handles them?
I'm out, motherfuckers!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah, I am.
I'm about to go drink me some
good wine,
smoke some good weed
and have some great sex.
Not necessarily in that order.
So feel free to ponder
on my promiscuity.
You know what I mean?
All right, big dog.
I'll holla at you later.
Whoo!
Love you guys!
Love you guys.
Oh, yes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is this about?
Shh, shh, shh.
I'm going to ask
you this one time.
Where are my packages?
I am sorry.
Sorry you stole my packages?
I'm sorry your breath smells
this way.
Are you okay?
Do you need to see a dental
hygienist or something?
I have a medical
condition, big dog.
Yes, you do.
It is called chronic halitosis.
Would you make fun of the blind,
or otherwise handicapped person?
I have, but I'm not proud of it.
If my next packages
do not come through--
-Breath mints!
-Come on, man.
Damn.
My bad, bro.
I'm sorry, but your shit
is kicking like Kimbo.
But as for your packages,
I don't know shit about them.
You don't?
Well, I suggest you find out
and you call me.
This extension.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir, Mr. Shitmouth--
Shadow!
If I do not hear from you,
you will be hearing from me.
-Got it?
-Yes, sir.
Maybe we could do that through
email, text, carrier pigeon,
anything that doesn't require
you to open your mouth.
It's a legitimate condition.
I'ma call you.
Shit.
We are way in over our heads.
Bruce,
we're trying to get you back to
Passaic,
but I just don't want us
to die while doing so.
How much we got left?
We have $63,000.
Minus Diesel tax,
that leaves us 33 grand,
which makes us seven grand
short.
We just need one big client,
and quick.
Because if we can't pay to
transport Bruce's body by
tomorrow,
he's going to get cremated.
It could be a bot.
I don't know if it's real,
but someone with the screen
name,
MalcolmIndicaMiddle just DM'd
me,
says he wants like a pound.
That could do it.
Let's go.
Okay, well, the address he sent
me
is apparently like a movie
studio,
so why don't you change
out of that fetish shit.
Okay.
All right, he said it's the last
trailer on the left, playing
Eddie.
This should be it.
Malcolm Indica Middle.
Hey.
Hey, I'm TokenWhiteGuy.
Oh, yeah.
Come on in, guys.
Oh, my God.
This is so cool.
Yo, you got a fireplace?
Should have brought
my marshmallow.
Oh, this is JR.
That's Cori.
Hey, man, not to make shit
awkward,
but are you Frankie Muniz?
Yeah, that's me.
Holy shit, I'm a big fan.
I love your sitcom, um,
Malcolm in The Middle.
And Agent Cody Banks.
I mean, I grew up watching you
and watched you grow up.
-You were, like, my best friend.
-Yeah, me, too.
Is that weird to say?
No, it's cool.
But for real,
you guys actually have Biblica?
There's only one
way to find out.
Stop enabling this asshole!
Fuck!
Frankie, will you be
our new best friend?
Fuck, yeah.
Okay, wait.
Here's your stash.
Thanks for the cash.
We're going to stay
in touch, right?
-You already know, Frankie.
-Putting you on group chat!
-I love you.
-I love you!
Oh my God!
Is that for you?
-All right.
-That's your ride?
Yeah.
That's sick.
I'll see you soon.
-I can't believe we did it.
-I know.
If it weren't for the last
minute, nothing would get done.
We put the pro
in procrastination.
Okay, look, Miles, tomorrow,
you look for a brand new
apartment.
Cori, you call the bureau
and make sure they don't cremate
Bruce.
And I'm going to drop
this cash off to Diesel,
tell him we out,
then we go smoke a big fat
doobie on the way to Dirty
Joe's.
-Let's go.
-Let's go.
Hey, do you think Frankie
actually
is like, the middle child maybe?
I can't believe you put
his gun in your mouth.
How are you all doing?
Are you all right?
Diesel.
That's it.
All of your money right there.
Me and my crew, we're out.
Done.
No, you're done when
I say you're done.
Now, you're gonna go back, steal
more weed from the post office.
I'll expect another
30k next week.
Oh, I can't.
Even if I wanted to.
The owner of those packages
showed up at the post office.
Some scary-ass dude with rancid
breath named Shadow.
I don't give a damn
about scary-ass Shadow.
Or ghost or Walter White,
or Big Perm or the White
Bitch from Weeds.
Now go back and steal more
packages or I'll kill you.
Why does everybody
want to kill me?
I guess because you have
such a killable face.
Now, remember, I know
where your mama live,
and she got a
killable face, too.
It must be genetic, huh?
Police!
Freeze!
Looks like someone is
trying to sell bulk.
This is a licensed dispensary.
-Do you have a warrant?
-Yes, yes.
Why don't you read that while we
take a look around?
Big boy day, huh?
Sit tight.
-Sit.
-Oh, no, not him.
Let me guess.
You've been in here
running your mouth.
Sit down.
All right, JR.
Where were we?
Yeah.
Miles Corey.
-That's it for your crew?
-We're not a crew.
We're friends.
Look. The guy you should
be going after
is the one who sent
those packages.
Some scary-ass
dude named Shadow.
-He's the one.
-Did you say Shadow?
Yeah.
Breath smells like the back
of the bus when he speaks that
your nose hairs just tingle.
-That's him.
-Mm-hmm.
He's the biggest drug
lord in North America.
He's eluded us for years.
And you saw him?
I didn't just see him.
He gave me his card.
He told me
to call him if I found out
who's been stealing his weed.
Smells like shit.
Oh, I know.
I've been walking around
and my pockets' been smelling
like diarrhea for
the last ten days.
-That's really nice stock.
-Nice laminate.
-QR code.
-Modern.
Here's the deal.
You help us nail Shadow,
you both go free.
Set up a meeting,
you'll both be wearing a wire.
All you got to do is
get him to confess.
I'm not a snitch.
Come to think of it,
we don't really need you.
You know what? Technically, I
wouldn't be snitching.
I'd just be helping
him snitch on himself.
-So I'm in.
-Well, hold on, y'all.
If Shadow finds out what's
happening, won't he be mad?
Like, kill me mad?
They're going to die.
We'll be close by.
You got nothing to worry about.
He's asleep.
You guys are going to love this.
Never gets old.
She's not my cousin.
Hello.
Mom?
JR!
My pretty baby boy.
Mom? Are you all right?
No.
Where'd the phone go?
Yo, so your mom got
into my Wanna Lube.
A lot of it.
And she's gonna be high
for the next two weeks.
Okay.
Hey, Cori.
Look, I just got picked up,
and I may have told
the cops your name.
-What?
-Hey, I had no choice.
Wait, you did what?
But, hey, look,
as long as I show up
at a meeting and get Shadow
to talk, all this will go away.
That's not cool.
We're not waiting around
to see if we go to jail.
Do you know what happens to men
with this level of collagen
in prison?
Can we tell him
how soft my skin is?
Guys, we'll get through this.
-We're a team.
-No.
You know what a team doesn't do?
They don't snitch to the cops.
Asshole.
How are you doing, Mr. Shadow?
Sir.
Good to see you again.
This is the man who's been
making me steal
all of your weed.
Oh, is it?
Who the fuck are you, big dog?
My name is ...
What the fuck is that smell?
-Okay.
-We're downwind.
Okay, first of all,
I refuse to be insulted by a man
wearing such
an unflattering cardigan.
Oh, it's you.
Oh.
Tried to tell you.
Second of all,
I'm going to go over this one
more time for the
benefit of the group.
Chronic halitosis is
a legitimate condition
that affects millions
of Americans in this
country, not just me.
Add one more to that.
God, it's affecting
the fuck out of me.
You probably should see a
doctor.
Okay, if we are all quite
done hurting my feelings,
perhaps we can get
down to brass tacks.
Yo, whatever.
Just breath fast.
Yep.
You owe me for the
full street value
of the product you stole.
Plus a modest penalty.
Trust me, I'm paying
a penalty right now.
Are we done?
Okay.
Hey, Mr. Shadow,
we completely agree
with your terms and conditions,
sir, because it's very clear
that you are a very
powerful drug lord.
That is what's up.
Very powerful.
Probably moving a lot of what,
schedule ones, schedule twos.
Whatever schedule
that breath's on.
Mm-hmm.
I'm going to ask you gentlemen
a very difficult question right
now, but I would appreciate
full transparency.
Flossing's important.
God, it's burning my eyes.
Are you wearing a wire?
A what?!
A wire?
What is a wire?
Love that show.
We're wearing clothes.
That's so crazy.
You gentlemen are
terrible liars.
My girlfriend says
the same thing.
Goons.
Dispose of them.
-Goons?
-Goons?
Let's go.
Shoot those fucking pricks.
Move.
Move.
What the hell?
Oh, no.
This is all your fault.
How is this my fault?
Because the Glock says so.
He's never wrong.
What's up, baby?
Freeze!
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Help!
Oh, God.
Shut up.
No, it burns.
Looks like we lost another one.
I actually liked this guy.
What the?
Thanks, pops.
Is it over?
It's over.
Somebody call LDEE.
Come get your ass.
I need medical attention.
I would not want to
be his nurse.
He sawed me off.
What?
What the hell?
Trisha?
JR, you really are
a disappointment to me.
Trisha?
First, you stole my weed,
then you got Shadow killed.
He was my number one man.
You've taken something of mine,
so I've taken
something of yours.
If you want to see your lovely
Trisha again, come to 3900
Mulholland Drive tonight.
Don't involve your police
friends or Trisha will
be made to feel very sad.
Ma!
Ma, you got to go to a
friend's house.
I don't have time to explain.
Just pack a bag.
Please!
Ma, come on.
Ma, what the ...
Ma?
Ma.
JR,
guess who I found pleasuring
herself on the sofa?
This girl.
You have a very special mom.
Oh, my God. That's, like, so
sweet, because...
Okay, whoa. Relax.
If you want to see her again...
JR, what the fuck did you
do?
...don't keep me waiting.
No.
JR.
JR.
JR.
We saw some guys break into your
mom's place on the camera.
They took off like
15 minutes ago.
What the hell is happening?
Shadow wasn't the real boss.
The real drug lord
kidnapped my mom and Trisha.
I fucked up.
No, don't say that.
I fucked up.
Come on, man.
We fucked up.
Yeah, and it gets worse.
What?
Those motherfuckers
barbecued Bruce.
They said we had 14 days.
14 days from the time of his
death, not the next day
when we met Trisha
at the funeral home.
-We messed the days up.
-Yeah.
I'm sorry for everything.
I'm sorry about the police.
So you're a bitch-ass punk.
What else is new?
Sorry I went all Karen
on your ass about the police.
All right, enough
with the apologies.
We have to get your
mom and Trisha back.
-Let's go.
-We?
Oh, no.
I'm not getting
you guys involved.
Shut up, okay?
We all got involved
back in middle school.
We're already in.
Yeah, you got
a problem with that?
All right, Bruce, you stay here.
Keep his mom company.
Let's go!
Do you guys really think
they fit all of him in there?
We are going
to need a diversion.
And weapons
would have been nice.
They've got the upper hand,
but we've got something they
don't have.
-The element of surprise.
-The moral high ground?
No.
Uh oh.
The wipers?
That's faster.
That's worse.
Okay.
Fuck it.
All right.
What a great audience.
Keep it going
for your wait staff.
So nice to be here.
Oh, my God.
So nice to be performing
for really the world's oldest
extra from the movie
Taken Three.
Douche bag.
Get the fuck out of here.
Okay, I got to get going.
Getting the light from,
obviously,
the old man in the bathtub
outdoors in this
Cialis commercial.
Oh, shit!
Speaking of small spaces
with an old man
awkwardly crammed inside.
How is your mom's box doing?
Wait, you forgot the best part.
Behind you.
Took you long enough.
I was dying up there.
You're getting funnier.
Wait, what are you doing?
We're just supposed
to be the diversion.
JR's gonna need us.
You coming or what?
Is there gonna be
a place to poop?
I didn't go before.
Got your little silly ass.
Frankie?
What's up, JR?
You're the drug lord that
kidnapped my mom and Trisha?
I bet that seems weird,
huh?
You can put the bong
down on the ground.
Why?
Why the hell are
you selling drugs?
You're a tv star.
You're rich.
Rich?
Understatement.
Dude, I was on a network show,
okay?
Syndicated. Contingent
compensation checks.
But life is about purpose.
When I made all that money,
my business manager said to me,
now is the time
to secure your future.
Invest in something you love.
I love drugs.
I always have.
So I bought a struggling cartel.
-You could do that?
-I know, right?
Who knew?
Check this out.
Cool, huh?
Geek squad hooked
it up for your boy. Haha!
Hey, come on.
Check out what's in here.
You're going to love it.
It's the best part.
I promise.
This is so fun.
This is the coolest
part of my whole house.
I act, I race cars,
I run a cartel.
But my real passion is painting.
This is my studio.
Mom, Trisha!
Hey! Hey, guys.
JR, what the fuck is going on?
Is this your girlfriend?
It is so nice to meet you.
We should have her
over for dinner.
Are you vegan?
You look vegan.
My mouth is so dry.
Cow tongue.
Meow. Blach.
She took Biblica by her Va-JJ.
Oh, Va-JJ.
Yeah, that's hardcore.
Meow.
Excuse me. This is my time.
Most artists use
oils or acrylics.
I like to work in bodily fluids.
It's much more honest.
This one here,
I call late payment.
Oh, my God.
You're a fucking psychopath.
He looks like a psychopath.
Technically, I have antisocial
personality disorder
with sociopathic tendencies.
That's what my therapist,
Sydney says.
Sydney, this is everybody.
Everybody, Sydney.
Hi, Sydney.
All right, look here, man.
If I'm not outside with my mama
and my girl in two minutes, my
friends are going to call 911.
You mean these friends?
Let's go with me, you fuck turd!
Oh shit!
It's Frankie! What's up, man?
Put him on the ground right
there.
Oh shit.
I'm starting to think we're not
best friends anymore.
Duh!
What happened to being a
distraction?
Sorry, JR.
I want to show you all something
that I am very proud of.
Biblica seeds.
I own everyone in the world.
Nobody can grow this but me.
When you sold me Biblica,
I knew you were thieves.
My cartel has a diverse
portfolio in narcotics.
But you chose to steal
my favorite, and you
got Shadow killed.
You see, that's
a problem for me.
He was the pretend boss.
He kept the heat off of me.
And that's why, JR,
I want to hire you.
What?
To be the new pretend boss.
It's like being a stand in,
except you're gonna make
a shit ton of money.
Not the kind of money I have,
but good fucking money.
Oh, shit.
Congrats, JR.
I knew you could do it, man.
-Oh, baby, I'm so proud of you.
-Mom.
Look, you are
perfect for the part.
The cops are going to think
that you got Shadow killed so
you could be the new leader.
But you do have
to audition right here.
You have everybody
in the world that you love.
You pick one to die,
and you've got the part.
Oh, I hope he picks me.
-Nah.
-No.
Nah, no way.
Okay then, you all die.
You sick fuck.
You've got 10
seconds to decide.
I would pick this one right
here.
Wait.
How do I know you're not lying?
If Sydney were here,
I mean, here and able to talk,
she would tell you
I'm incapable of lying.
It's part of my psychosis.
My least favorite
part, by the way.
Let me see here.
Mmmm!
JR...
You choose one to die,
and the other four walk
out of here alive and well.
You have my word.
Hey, he looks like the guy
from the tv show...
The Middle.
Ah.
You're punking me.
You guys are punking me.
You guys are good.
You went so far.
You're such a good girlfriend.
I know.
Okay, let's just kill them all.
Wait! Wait.
I've made my decision.
I choose myself.
What?
The Holy Trinity.
-I wasn't expecting that.
-Holy Trinity? What's that?
JR, no!
Hazel eyes. Butter pecan.
You got your whole
life ahead of you.
Don't do it.
Not what he said, but, yeah.
Don't do it.
JR.
I love you all.
Do it.
No!
-No!
-Yeah.
No, JR!
What's going on?
No! Stop!
What's happening?
Beautiful. Isn't it?
Bruce?
What's up, man?
Oh, my goodness.
It's so good.
Bruce, what are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
Where is here?
Well, we call this the Ain't.
Because we ain't in heaven
and we ain't really in hell.
And honestly, we're
just in the Ain't.
Bro, it ain't too bad.
Look at that.
Oh, hey.
Oh, yeah.
This place ain't bad at all.
Oh, yeah, and you
gotta try this.
You gotta try that.
Weed in the afterlife?
It's the bomb.
Oh, that's gas!
Umm...
Hey, Bruce.
Look, man, I'm sorry I didn't
get you buried in Passaic.
Dude, I wasn't trying to get
you to bury me in Passaic.
I was trying to tell you about
my will, the law firm,
Bernstein and Rush in Passaic?
Yeah, because my parents,
they left me everything
that they had and I left you,
Cori and Miles
everything that I had.
You had money?
Yeah.
Yeah, I just didn't want to tell
you about it because honestly,
I didn't want to fuck
up our friendship.
Mo money, mo problems, you know?
Boy, don't I know it.
How do you think
I ended up here?
Okay, but I don't
want you to bury me.
I want you to smoke me.
I want you to use my ashes
to fertilize some weed.
Then I want to get all
up in your synapses.
Hey, Bruce, as much as I would
love to have you all up
in my synapses,
I smoked the holy trinity.
I'm pretty sure
I'm dead as shit.
Well, actually,
you ain't really dead.
And you ain't really
alive either.
Dog, you just... Ain't.
Hold on.
So you're telling me
there's a way back home?
You know, legend did say that
chosen one
can smoke the mythical
Holy Trinity and live
to talk about it.
But, dude, look around you.
Why would you ever
want to leave here?
This is enough weed
to smoke for an eternity.
Look, look.
Come on!
-Bruce.
-Come on. Look at it.
Look, as awesome as this place
is man,
I can't stay here.
I gotta get back to them.
I always knew you
were special, JR.
I'm gonna miss you, man.
Same.
-Cross my heart.
-Toke to high.
Woah.
Holy shit!
He's the Green Lantern!
No, you idiot!
He's The One.
Good shit!
Hello! Shoot him!
Die, motherfucking weed Genie!
Oh! JR.
If I kiss you,
am I going to go
flying across the room?
Oh, I don't know, but I don't
think we should risk it.
Okay, we can risk it.
-Aw, you guys.
-Are you okay, Ma?
You mean to tell me I
should have been smoking
weed this whole time?
Yeah, Ma.
Oh. Do you think we can hit an
In and Out on the way home?
Oh, 100%.
I don't know what the hell I
just smoked.
I don't eat meat.
And there you have it.
And with Bruce's money
and the Biblica seeds we took
from Frankie, we took over Black
Ops and gave it a facelift
and opened a fully licensed
and legal Heavenly High.
My mom became our
top sales person.
Purple Herpal. Three box of
gummies.
Oh, and you have
to try our CBD balm.
It's the bomb.
Trisha's skills running
a funeral home made her
the perfect General
Manager for Heavenly High.
She even likes dealing
with the living.
And let's just say she
and I share an office.
JuanaLube changed everything for
Cori.
Blowing the top off the sexual
lubricant market and taking
the world by storm.
She ended up rebranding her
entire orgasm line
and in the process managed
to rebrand herself.
Edibles, though.
Holy shit.
Edibles are the most vindictive,
vengeful form of THC.
Now that Miles found his voice
and confidence,
he started his own open mic for
himself and other young comics.
You don't hear anything
until you start talking shit.
You take an edible,
30 minutes goes by.
Yeah, I don't feel anything.
These edibles, weak.
And then edibles like, what the
fuck did you just say about me?
How are you going to talk shit
when your asshole is
literally on the floor?
Bruce got his last wish.
Fertilizing the newest crop of
Biblica.
Synapses all over the world are
getting a taste of Bruce
and loving every minute of it.
As for me, being The One opened
up something inside, it got
me thinking about my pops.
So I decided to take a journey
back east to go ahead
and seek him out.
-Babe, are you okay?
-What?
Who were you just talking to?
Oh, sometimes I feel like
I'm narrating my own movie.
Maybe you should take
a break on the Biblica.
Just for a minute.
Yeah, maybe I should.
Bro, your journey east will be
difficult with deserts to cross
and mountains to climb.
Actually, I paid extra for an
exit row
seat on JetBlue, so I'm good.
-Oh, that should be too.
-Yeah.
Son, I want you to stay safe.
And also, you say hi
to your daddy for me.
-Yes, ma'am.
-That's right.
Yeah.
Hurry back.
I miss you.
See you soon.
See you soon.
You're going to be right
here when I get back?
I'm just making sure.
-Right here.
I love you all.
Take care of the store.
Cue the music.