Hannah Berner: We Ride at Dawn (2024) Movie Script
1
Gigglers, are you ready?
Please welcome Hannah Berner!
What the fuck is up, Philadelphia?!
You little hoagie hoes, sit down!
Oh, okay, church.
I do have to address, there was absolutely
no need to do the worm there.
I don't know...
I don't know why I did it,
but it happened.
Thank you.
You guys, I just turned 30.
Twenty-nine months ago.
And I feel good.
But society tries to scare the shit out
of you when you turn 30.
They're like, if you're not fucking
your face with a jade roller.
If you're not snorting lines of collagen.
If you're not doing Pilates,
which is BDSM.
If you're not putting snail mucin,
snail ejaculate all over your face.
By the time you turn 30, they make
you feel like you're just gonna become...
Joe Biden.
I'm just kidding.
Women can't be president.
That would be insane.
And commercials are so cruel.
Commercials are like,
"Do you have a fine line?"
"Eww."
"Do you have a gray hair?"
"Disgusting."
"Men are never
gonna notice you ever again."
And I'm like, "That sounds... so peaceful."
Just to be able to walk home at night
without a worry in the world?
I can't wait till I'm the age
that I'm just unkidnappable.
How fucking freeing.
But you know what's crazy. I'm 32.
Thank you.
And I've never been kidnapped once.
And that's when you have to ask yourself,
"Am I fucking ugly?"
I'm not ugly, but I do have issues.
I do have issues.
I have depression.
I have anxiety.
I have chronic fatigue.
Any chronic fatigue girlies?
You do not have chronic fatigue.
She's like, "Yeah!"
No, I went to the doctor,
and I was like, "I don't feel good."
"I don't feel motivated.
What's wrong with me?"
And he goes,
"You haven't drank water since 1994."
And he's so fucking right.
I hate water. I think it's disgusting.
He said I have to get
an emotional support water bottle.
Girls nowadays,
they don't want a boyfriend.
They just want a Stanley.
But I think it's a conspiracy
that I have to drink so much water.
You know, like,
male conspiracy theories is 9/11,
the election,
the clit.
It's girl conspiracy theories that we need
to drink gallons of water.
What's a gallon? That's made up.
Also, we look like pilgrims with pails.
Walking around, it's like,
"You work from home, Stephanie."
"You're not walking the Oregon Trail."
Does anyone drink black coffee?
Yeah, you like to get choked.
Anyone drink Mountain Dew?
I can see her glowing in the dark.
That is liquid Chernobyl.
What are you doing?
Does anyone drink Diet Coke?
You guys are all not okay.
And no one's talking about it.
Girls are running around like...
My friend has six Diet Cokes a day.
And I'm like, "Look, I'm not a doctor."
"But I don't think that's good for you."
And she's like, "What? There's no sugar."
"There's no calories."
And I'm like,
"Then what the fuck is in it?"
'Cause heroin doesn't have sugar
or calories, and that's not great for you.
I'm not saying Diet Coke is heroin,
but I've never seen them
in the same room together.
I wish the most essential liquid
was an espresso martini.
Whoo-hoo!
'Cause it's a triple threat, right?
It gets you drunk.
It gets you hyper,
and you will have diarrhea
at the end of the night.
You are light as a feather
on the dance floor.
You're like, "Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh!"
$60 here.
- You had a $60 espresso martini?
- Thirty each.
- Thirty each.
- So we spent $60.
Plus, the wage gap. I'm fucking fuming.
The girl in front was like,
"Look at my receipt."
She's like, "Can I write this off?"
- What's your name?
- Isis.
Isis? Is it spelled the way
we are afraid it's spelled?
But this was... Was this pre?
She was before?
So they copied her.
That's like Hannah Montana and me.
I was first. Yeah.
Wait. Isis copied your brand.
That's embarrassing for them.
Get your own fucking brand.
Do you... Do you have a nickname?
No? That's horrible.
So someone will just be like,
"Isis is coming,"
and they're like, "What?"
Her middle name is Persephone.
- Her middle name is Persephone?
- Persephone.
Like Stephanie
with a purr in the beginning?
- Purr-Stephanie.
- Persephone.
What white trash shit
is going on right now?
That was good. That was good.
That was really good.
You'll see it on Netflix. That was funny.
Oh, guys.
There's no easy way to segue this.
But I've been really
into politics lately.
Now, look, regard... Thank you, one person.
Regardless what you believe in,
we all can agree it's been a little messy.
The last 200 years.
And I think we need a fresh perspective.
And I think I can bring that perspective.
I like the group over here that's like,
"Let's wait to see what she says."
Actually, you're right.
I don't know anything about politics,
but I know how to do research.
I went on TikTok.
And I figured it out,
but I went to the hot topics, okay?
I went to abortion.
Do you know some people believe
that you should never have an abortion
under any circumstances,
even if you're bloated.
And the next one
I obviously went to was guns.
Do you know some people believe
that guns don't kill people,
people kill people?
I have one edit.
Guns don't kill people. Men kill people.
And I'm not coming for the men.
I would never come for you.
It's just a fact.
90% of mass shootings, your boys.
And the 2% who were women
had a very legitimate reason
for what we did.
The men are shaking. They're scared now.
They're like, "Get me the fuck out."
Did you ever see the woman
who chopped her husband's dick off?
What did we all think?
We all went, "What did he do?"
So this is the thing, people want guns.
Fine. I just think we need
a little more gun safety,
and then if I do the girl math,
legally, the only people allowed
to have guns should be the girls.
We ride at dawn!
He's so scared. His hand is like...
'Cause this is the thing,
when men snap, they shoot stuff.
When a woman truly, truly, truly snaps,
she gets bangs.
And that's an assault on ourselves.
No one else is hurt.
It grows out in six months.
You're good, babe.
Also, like if I had a gun,
I would lose it in my room.
Every five minutes, I'd be like,
"Where the... Where the fuck did I...?"
"I was holding it all day.
Where did I put my..."
"Can someone call my gun?
Where the fuck did I put my gun?"
You get your gun. You're with your girls.
You're going out, and you're like,
"What purse are you wearing
with your gun?"
Then you go outside.
You're holding your purse and your gun
and Starbucks and keys and tampons.
You're like, "You're not shooting anyone.
You can barely hold anything."
Your nails are like...
clap if you have long nails.
Yeah, you can barely clap.
You're not shooting up a mall.
And then you get in the Uber to go
to the bar, and the girls come out.
And you're like, "Guns! We got our guns."
And then you're like, "Oh, shoot!
I forgot my gun in the Uber."
You're like, "Hold on."
You're like, "It's me again."
"I left my light baby blue
Hailey Bieber Rhode Peptide revolver."
Collab.
Revolver is actually
the only gun that I know.
And a musket.
Imagine a bunch of hot girls with muskets.
Like, "Hold on, my musket."
The musket keeps queefing.
No, you guys,
I thought this shit was so funny.
Thought it was so funny,
so I posted it online.
And some people were not happy with me.
No, no, no.
One guy was like,
"It's not the shooter's fault."
"It's the girl's fault."
"They're not giving enough blowjobs."
But I'm listening. I'm learning.
I said, "I hear you. I see you. New law!"
"If you can't get a blowjob,
you can't get a gun."
If you really want a gun,
you have to go to the blowjob shop.
You have to bring a girl to vouch for you.
And I'm in charge, okay?
But then one guy was, like, mad mad.
He was like,
"It's not the shooter's fault."
"It's the mom's fault."
"She didn't raise him right."
And I was like, "You are so right."
"She didn't raise the shooter right."
"She should have had an abortion."
Thank you.
What a polite abortion clap.
I'm gonna say something controversial
'cause you guys are fun.
Yeah!
Sex is not consistently
as good as society makes it seem.
Yeah!
But I'm not talking about the lesbians.
'Cause the lesbians, they're coming.
Okay, they're coming. They're coming.
Are there any lesbians in the crowd?
They all just came.
I had to ask my friend who's a lesbian,
I said, "How do you know
when the sex is done?"
You don't!
'Cause with a dude,
you fucking know, okay?
'Cause he'll be like, "Ooh!"
I'm like, "What dribbled out of your dick
that you can't speak for four weeks?"
"What happened?"
To my, uh, loud lesbian correspondent.
How do you actually know when it's done?
Carpal tunnel?
Battery dies?
I love that she's standing up.
She's like, "This is my moment."
How do you know when it's done?
- You get very, very tired.
- You get very tired.
All the straight girls are like,
"What is going on?"
She's like, "You've orgasmed so much
that your body is empty."
"And then you just go up to heaven.
That's how you know when it's done."
"Then you communicate with her afterwards
about your feelings. It's crazy."
I'll tell you, sexuality is not a choice.
That's how you know.
We need realistic sex in movies.
That's where we get confused.
It's so unrealistic, these scenes.
It's always the same scene too.
It's two people.
They bust down the door, right?
They just start going at it.
They're making out. They're breaking shit.
The guy will, like, kick over a lamp.
And I'm like, "Don't touch my home decor."
And then the guy
always picks the girl up, right?
Why does he pick her up like that?
And he, like, puts her
on the counter.
It's like, "First of all,
this is a studio apartment."
"My bed is right here."
"Also, don't put me on my counter."
"My counter's disgusting."
"Forks, soy sauce, ketchup,
Con Ed bills, Invisalign."
"I don't want my own teeth marks
on my back."
Also, then you know,
when the P goes in the V in the movies.
There should be a nuance, right?
Like, there's an angle.
It's hard to just, like, go in, right?
In movies,
the guy will just unzip his jeans,
look over here and go...
And she's like...
And I'm like, "The guy who wrote
this movie has never had sex before."
I want realistic sex in movies, you guys.
For example, I queef all the time.
And I've never heard one queef in a movie.
Zero queef representation in movies.
Thank you.
Also, when I say I'm queefing,
I'm farting.
But I'm telling him it's a queef.
'Cause men have absolutely
no clue what a queef is.
If it doesn't smell, you're Gucci.
Get out of there. You got away with it.
Also, when I say I'm squirting,
I'm peeing.
One more note about queefs.
Stop saying that I queefed.
You queefed me, okay?
And I know that for a fact
because I've never queefed alone.
You took your needle dick,
and you started pumping me
with air like a basketball.
Sorry you didn't realize
my pussy was so fucking tight
that the air was gonna get trapped,
and you didn't anticipate that.
But don't gaslight me
and tell me that I queefed
when I know for a fact I laid there
and did absolutely nothing.
Doggy's crazy.
No, I like doggy because
you can text.
But you kind of leave it up to him.
Like, he needs to figure it out.
And that's when he always,
like, accidentally hits the wrong hole.
And you have to go, "No."
But he's pretending like he's
in a dark elevator, clicking every button.
Good thing our buttholes
have the reflexes of a ninja.
And they're like...
We need realistic sex in movies.
Like, you know when you're riding a guy.
Now, ladies, when you're riding a guy,
don't worry about
what's going on over here.
You focus on him. He has 17 chins.
He's going through an exorcism.
What, when you lean over,
you have a couple rolls?
Men can't tell when you cut
your hair eight inches, okay?
You do you.
But you know when you're riding a guy...
and you kind of lose your rhythm?
We were like, "Okay, we're a team."
"Let's get this back.
Five, six, seven, eight."
"And one and two and three and four."
You know when
you're trying to go like this?
But someone gets off, and next thing
you know, you're just going like this?
And then he hasn't been in you
for four minutes, and you're just like...
My favorite part though
is when you come up
and his dick falls out a little?
And then you snap it like a glow stick.
It hurts. It's scary.
Men, you need to speak up.
Stop suffering in silence.
It's happening everywhere, okay?
It's happening everywhere.
What are dicks made out of?
You have no idea.
- Disappointment.
- Disappointment. That's hilarious.
- What are dicks made out of, babe?
- Collagen.
Collagen?
Honestly, men will say stuff
so confidently that I'm like, "Collagen."
"He's right. He's right."
You know, actually, I don't care.
But I don't wanna snap his dick,
but it's always so funny
'cause they always make that noise,
you know?
'Cause they're scared.
I'm scared. We're all scared.
And he always goes...
Then I'm like, "You queefed."
I queefed you. I queefed.
I queefed.
Anyone ever lost their virginity?
Sluts, a bunch of sluts.
I actually lost it once.
And it was fucked up.
It's fine that it was fucked up,
but no one warns you.
Society is like, "Oh, my God.
It's this beautiful coming of age."
"You become a woman."
And then a guy with a shrimp dick
rips open your hymen.
There's blood everywhere,
and he goes, "Did you come?"
And I'm like, "Unless that's come,
I have no clue what just went down."
And orgasming is hard.
Like, for a woman to orgasm,
for me specifically to orgasm...
She's like, "Yeah.
What are you gonna say?"
My legs have to be perfectly straight.
I have to have zero work emails
on my phone.
And I need to be alone.
Thank you.
She's independent.
But shout out to my vibrator.
She does great work.
They're souped up.
The technology nowadays,
you can storm a capitol with one of them.
And actually get the job done.
Also, the kids are choking now.
Someone goes, "What?" She is.
And this is my thing with choking.
How am I gonna come while I'm
also fighting for my life, you know?
I understand
some people want pain during sex,
but if you wanna hurt me during sex,
just look me in the eye and say,
"I'm disappointed in you."
There are some men in the crowd,
which I don't love.
No, I'm fine with men being in the crowd
as long as they have a chaperone.
Where's your chaperone, sir? Good.
- What's your name?
- Eric.
Eric with a C or K?
C. Thank God.
I would have had you kicked out.
I like you at the... at the end.
What's your name, sir?
- Kevin.
- Kevin. With a K?
Interesting. Oh, he's coming.
So what I love about Kevin,
you have a beard,
a mustache, glasses, and a hat.
Are you in Witness Protection?
What did you do?
- Nothing.
- Nothing.
That's what someone
who did something would say.
I'll follow up with you later.
Who's single?
We know Isis is single.
Can you imagine the dating apps?
Like, what the...?
He's like, "Who's outside?"
She's like, "Isis!"
- But you're single?
- Yes.
- You're single. Are you on the apps?
- I am. Yes.
Which apps?
- Hinge and Bumble.
- Hinge and Bumble.
- It's a scary place.
- It's a scary place. No, it is.
Hinge is crazy.
'Cause Hinge, it asks questions.
You can see people's personalities.
And I like when guys,
like, brag on not-braggy questions.
You know, when they're like,
"What's your hobby?"
and he goes, "I'm a jet-setter."
"I travel the globe."
"Don't hit me up
unless you wanna see the world."
I'm like, "Brad, you went to Panama City
Beach once during spring break."
"Shut the fuck up."
I have really bad taste in men,
but it was never my fault.
And it was never their fault.
It was Disney's fault.
Disney teaches you to be attracted
to the douchiest, most narcissistic guys.
It's never the nice guy.
It's the guy coming in on a horse
with a stupid hairdo, like a prince.
Doesn't shut up.
Actually, name a Disney prince
in the front.
You can yell it out,
and I'll tell you why he's the worst.
Eric!
- Prince Eric wanted to fuck a fish. Next.
- Aladdin!
Okay, Aladdin was hot.
Don't love the illegal pet monkey,
but he did pull off purple.
But Aladdin was kind of
like that guy on Hinge.
He was like, "Jasmin, I'm gonna show you
the world on my magic carpet."
He showed her a four-block radius,
lied to her face.
Sandoval, honestly.
Who's another prince?
Oh, Hercules has ED. Um...
Raising awareness.
Prince Charming. Okay, Prince Charming.
Who nicknames themself Prince Charming?
What a little douche.
Then he throws a party with all the women
in the kingdom, right, for himself.
Does a beeline for the girl
who's so blackout, she lost her shoe.
Tells her he loves her that night.
Next morning, can't find her
when she doesn't have makeup on.
He's like, "Where'd she go?
I don't recognize her."
Then takes her shoe
and puts it on every single girl's foot
in the kingdom.
Go on WikiFeet like a normal person
with a foot fetish, okay?
Leave these women alone!
Who else?
Okay, Simba.
You guys, don't turn on me.
Simba was a fuckboy.
Simba was such a fuckboy.
First of all, Nala's his cousin.
And he kept, like, hitting on her,
and finally, she was like,
"Okay, Simba, like, I like you."
And he's like, "Whoa. I need to focus
on my career becoming king
because my dad fucked me up. Mm."
Who else? Gaston's obvious.
That's your fault if you fell for Gaston.
- Shrek! Shrek!
- Who... Shrek.
Look, Shrek is ugly hot.
I would... sit on his face.
Who else?
Flynn Rider sounds like a lacrosse player
who did give me chlamydia.
John Smith was a colonizer.
Oh, you guys got tight on that?
That's crazy.
- Captain Hook!
- Captain Hook.
Why do I just get turned on?
He just has a rabbit attached to his hand.
I'll end with the Beast.
I'll end with the Beast.
I'm a Beast apologist.
I'm a Beast apologist.
They try to make the Beast like
he's this disgusting, horrible monster.
The Beast is 6'4".
Pulls off capris.
Looks like Travis Kelce.
He's a homeowner
with a mansion and a library.
That's old money. That's "fuck you" money.
I know some
of you guys are like, "Hannah."
"He was super controlling."
"He never let her leave the house."
That's my literal dream.
To never leave a mansion
and have gay utensils
getting me food the entire time!
Hi, zaddy in the blue.
There's a beautiful bald man right here.
Is that your man?
Is that your man?
I'm so jealous of bald men.
It is so shimmery and beautiful,
like a... like a baby dolphin, okay?
I'm so jealous of bald men,
'cause why can't my pussy be that smooth?
It's ingrowns.
I needed a Weedwacker to get here.
I'm half-Italian, okay?
And it's not fair. It's not fair.
'Cause when men are hairy,
you know, it's fine.
You know, they call 'em bears.
You know what
they call girls who are hairy?
Single. And it's not cool.
It's not feminist.
- Where'd you two meet?
- It's my dad.
Oh, it's your dad.
Ladies.
Perfect segue.
I actually got married, you guys.
I got married.
It's super off-brand for me.
I got married, but it's to an older man.
A zaddy, if you will.
And I love an older man.
I love an older man.
Because they are so tired.
They're exhausted.
They're not chasing women on the street.
They're on the verge of arthritis.
You get in a fight with them,
five minutes in, they're like,
"Yeah, whatever you want."
'Cause they wanna go to sleep.
I love that about him.
He's not going out at night.
The only thing going anywhere
is his hairline.
And I love that, clearly.
If you wanna meet an older man,
go to a Walgreens.
Go to the Advil section.
Put some in the palm
of your hand and just go...
They'll limp over like delicate pigeons.
Adorable.
We actually... We got engaged in six months.
Yeah. Because he doesn't
have a lot of time left.
I had a bachelorette. It was pretty crazy.
But bachelorettes, they're intense,
you know, right?
I feel like bachelor parties,
all the guys do
is see a quarter of a nipple,
and they're like,
"It was the greatest weekend of my life."
I think bachelorettes are cults.
Yeah, for sure.
And if you're quiet right now,
you're in one.
'Cause think about it.
Stephanie chooses you
to be a part of something bigger.
And then she takes you
to an undisclosed location.
Scottsdale, Arizona.
You're dehydrated. You're sunburned.
You're scared. You're blackout.
You've lost $2,000.
You've also lost your job.
If you even look at another bridesmaid
and you're, like...
Isn't this a lot?
She'll be like,
"Do you not support Stephanie?"
And I'm like, "No, no, no, no."
"I'm here for Stephanie.
I support Stephanie."
And then you have to give speeches
every night about how great Stephanie is.
I'm like, "This is Stephanie's
third marriage. I'm exhausted."
"We're running out of stories, Steph."
And then she makes you
all wear the same bikinis,
even though we all have
different body types. That's abuse.
We have to wear shirts that say,
like, "bitch, bride, tribe, cunt."
I'm like, "How did we get here?"
What I'm trying to say
is Scientology started in Charleston,
and no one talks about it.
Nobody talks about it.
Oh!
Take your birth control.
Speaking of birth control,
I, um, hooked up with my husband
on our wedding night.
Yeah. Did anyone... did anyone
not hook up on their wedding night?
Kevin, what happened?
You what? You were...
or you were running from the police.
So you guys played hard to get
on your wedding night.
You were like, "Figure it out tomorrow."
What were you drinking?
What's your drink of choice, Kevin?
Beer.
Beer.
You what? You took a what?
A dick pill.
You took a dick pill?
Kevin, I didn't ask about this.
I don't wanna know that.
I asked about your beer.
So you were just
passed out with a rock-hard dick.
And she's like, "Get it...
stop poking me with that."
When did you take the dick pill
in the night? I just wanna know.
- At noon.
- At noon?
So you were on the altar just like...
Wait, so you planned
to have a crazy, rip-roaring night
of seven hours of sex
and you had two beers,
and you were like...
You know, I support men taking pills.
Because we're taking birth control,
Lexapro, Xanax.
Take one fucking dick pill.
Honestly, I think I had sex
on my wedding night 'cause he's sober.
So he was ready to go,
but I realized on my wedding night
that I hadn't taken my birth control
in two weeks.
And my friend Paige. You guys know Paige.
So she blacked out at my wedding.
Stumbled over to me
with her long little fingers.
And she was like,
"You're gonna get pregnant
on your wedding night."
And you know when,
like, you can't not believe her?
'Cause if you do, you're like, "Why didn't
I fucking listen to that blackout bitch?"
I am so bad with my birth control.
I'll miss two days, I'll take four.
I miss five days, I'll take seven.
I'll miss a week, and I'll just put one
up my butthole. I'm like, "I'm on track."
Does anyone cheat with an IUD?
- Do you have an IUD?
- Yes.
What kind do you have?
Copper, silver, rose gold?
- Kyleena.
- Kyleena.
Why is it always a hot girl's name?
It's like, "Kyleena." "Mirela."
Did it hurt?
- Worst of my life.
- Ooh!
I feel like they don't warn you
how much it hurts.
I feel like a doctor takes a paperclip,
and it's like, "Hold on one second."
Walk it off.
When men get vasectomies,
they get airlifted to the Bahamas.
A nurse is cupping his balls.
She's like, "You're doing amazing."
"Cough if you need. I'll feed you grapes."
So I realize the night
of my wedding...
...that, um, I was ovulating.
I'll explain what that is
to you later, Kevin.
And the next morning,
I was like, "I need to wake this guy up."
"We have a problem."
He's old, so whenever I wake him up,
I'm always like,
"Are you alive?"
He's like, "What?"
I'm like, "Do you wanna have a baby?"
And he's like, "I kind of
wanna travel for two to three years."
And I'm like, "You're 47.
Where the fuck haven't you been?"
You wanna go to Mars, Jeff Bezos?
Like, who do you think you are?
Carmen Sandiego?
I go, "You know what?
Let's travel to Walgreens,
your favorite place,
'cause I need to get Plan B."
Now, I don't care how many times
you've been to this Walgreens,
when you go for Plan B,
you've never seen
this establishment before.
It's dark. It's haunted.
It smells different.
You're full main-character energy
when you walk in.
You're always like...
How can I get pregnant
as a teenager?
What am I gonna do?
And then you go up to the guy
who hates you, and you're like,
"Do you have Plan B?"
And he's like, "What?"
And you're like, "Plan B."
He's like, "Hold on one sec."
"Disheveled girl in aisle six
is irresponsible with her pussy lips."
"And she needs Plan B."
And he's like, "Let's go
to the family planning aisle."
And I'm like, "No, no, no.
I need the family unplanning aisle."
And then you get there,
and it's locked up like Fort Knox.
They're locking up everything nowadays,
like multivitamins.
Who's tweaking on a multivitamin?
And then he tries to open it up
and you're like, "Be quiet about it."
And then he takes, like, a power tool,
and he's like...
Um... and then he gives it to you,
and you're like,
"Thank you. I'm a teenager."
And then when you go outside
to open it up,
it has seven layers
of the hardest plastic
I've ever seen in my life.
And I don't walk around with a chainsaw.
I'm trying to get rid of my maybe-baby.
Anyway, that's how I lost my virginity.
It was crazy.
That's the thing with an older man.
He is... he is deteriorating emotionally
and physically,
which is the goal.
Like, before we got married,
he really annoyed me
because we went
to a fancy Italian restaurant.
This small restaurant.
I ordered a burrata.
Do you guys have burrata in Philly?
Oh, I love burrata.
Three things better than sex.
Burrata.
Q-tip in your ear,
'cause it's naughty.
And revenge. I fucking love revenge.
- So, I ordered the burrata.
- I open it up. It's like...
You know...
He looks at me,
and he's like, "I think I'm gonna faint."
And I'm like, "I know.
This burrata is so good."
And he's like, "No, like,
could you call an ambulance?"
And you know
when that's just, like, not the vibe?
I start Googling.
I'm like, "How do
you even call an ambulance?"
Is there, like, a quiet ambulance
or, like, a Zoom or, like, a telehealth?
And he's like,
"Can you just get the waitress?"
And I'm like, "I'm not getting other
people involved in your shit right now."
And finally, he hails down the waitress,
and she starts freaking out.
She starts calling.
She's like, "911, a man needs 911!"
Everyone in the restaurant's upset.
They're getting up.
Some people are fanning him.
He's loving the attention.
He's like...
Then, for the ambulance people to come,
they had to, like,
take the table away with my burrata.
And I'm like, "Okay."
We also have to pay for this food,
and I forgot my wallet in my other coat.
So I was like, "Babe."
"Babe."
"Babe, I need your wallet."
He popped up, and he's like, "I'm fucking
dying here. You need my fucking wallet?"
And the guy next to him is like,
"Don't speak to your daughter like that."
I'm like, "Thanks, Dad."
"We need to leave a hefty tip
after the shit you pulled tonight."
And then the EMT lady came,
and she knew exactly what was going on.
I looked at her. She looked at me.
He was having
an amateur-hour panic attack.
Now, as a hot girl,
that's just how we wake up
in the morning, okay?
I've had four panic attacks
on stage tonight.
And you know what we do?
We suck it the fuck up!
But it's not men's fault, okay?
'Cause if they feel
any emotion besides anger, they're like...
"Could you call 911?"
So she looked at him, and she was like,
"You know, you're gonna be fine."
"Um, are you nervous about anything?"
And he was like, "I am nervous
about getting married in a couple months."
And I was like,
"Oh, now we're playing the blame game."
And she's like, "Look,
you don't have to go to the hospital."
"Stop drinking so much Diet Coke.
Drink the water, breathe."
"You're gonna be fine."
He's like, "Yeah, okay, I don't have to
go to the hospital. I feel better."
And I'm like, "This is so embarrassing."
So everyone goes back to their seat,
and I'm like, "What is he gonna do?"
Like, "How is he gonna get out of this?"
This man stands up, and he goes,
"It wasn't the food. Have a good night."
And I'm like, "Did he just have a closer?"
My dad thinks I'm on my phone too much.
He's like, "You're addicted to your phone.
You're always on your phone."
I'm like, "Dad,
you're always on your phone."
"'Cause you text with your index finger.
It takes you fucking forever."
I'm on TikTok a lot. I am. I'm on TikTok.
What's interesting to me,
who's not on TikTok?
Okay, why are you not on TikTok?
Are you afraid to know who you really are?
I'm 38.
You're 38, a young spring chicken.
- Are you on Reels?
- No, but Instagram.
Like, I'm not even on Snapchat.
You should not be on Snapchat. You're 38.
It's just 22-year-old dongs on Snapchat.
If you're on Reels,
I feel like Reels is like Juuling.
TikTok is cigarettes. We're all gonna die.
Also, if you're on Reels,
that means you just found out
that Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian
broke up, and I love that for you.
Love that for you.
Do you see the kids still doing dances?
Like, it's been a while.
They're dancing a little too long.
I was wondering,
I'm like, "Why are they doing this"?
And then I realized, I think these kids
are communicating with each other.
To overtake us.
And this is a violent motion.
You just saw my labia. That was crazy.
But think about it.
These kids are strong.
Like, they survived Tide Pods.
They're sturdy in a fight.
And they're smart. Like, when they were
at restaurants, they had their iPads.
Three years old.
Beep-beep. Beep-beep-beep.
Fuck you, Mom. Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.
When I was two at a restaurant,
I was trying to see
how many butter packets
I could shove in my face without puking.
My dad's like, "Nine.
That's my girl. She's gonna go far."
Do you guys know Jeremy?
I babysat this kid named Jeremy.
I hate this kid.
I'd have to bribe him to do everything.
I'd be like, "Jeremy."
"If you finish your math homework,
you get chocolate ice cream."
He said, "Shut up, slut."
I was like, "Jeremy, don't talk to me
like that, or you're gonna turn me on."
We're having fun.
It's Saturday. We're having fun.
What if I did that?
That would be crazy. Every time...
Anyway, back to me, um...
- I have intimacy issues.
- Don't we all.
Do you like to cuddle?
You do? Do you like
to be the big or small spoon?
Both. He's verse. He's freaky.
Actually, as a girl,
it's a lot more complicated
when we're the small spoon.
Lots of things can go wrong.
Think about it. First, you have to get
into a weird little fetal position, right?
Then you have to move your hair,
so it's out of his face
but still looks cute.
You're like, "Hey!"
And then he takes his big dumb hand.
And he always puts it right here.
Gut check.
You have to suck in
like you've never sucked in before.
You're like, "I'm so little, so tiny."
"I'm so little."
He's like, "Are you comfortable?"
You're like, "Sucking up my rolls!"
But as you're sucking in,
God forbid a little air wants to come out.
Your butt is right on his penis.
The whole relationship is on the line.
It's so much pressure,
and you can't sweat even though
there's a hot body lying on you.
So hold your pores.
Hold your butthole. Just go...
There's a zero percent chance
you're falling asleep.
Meanwhile, he falls asleep immediately.
The second his head hits the pillow,
he's like...
'Cause he's so tired
from gaslighting all day. It's crazy.
But I like to pivot.
I like to pivot
and put my head on his chest.
Life hack. Then you can lift a butt cheek.
The air comes out silent.
You pray it's not sulfuric. You pray.
You don't wanna Oppenheimer
his entire bedroom.
If it smells, you blame the dog.
I don't know why
there's always a dog staring at you.
He's like, "Ever since I met you,
the dog's been
having a lot of stomach issues."
And I'm like,
"You should get that checked."
But I love to put my head on his chest.
It feels so good.
Because you feel his heart beating,
and you're like, "This is love."
And you feel his chest go up and down.
And you're like, "Wouldn't it
be so cute if I matched my breath
with his breath,
and we became one soul,
taking on this harsh,
cold, scary world together?"
But then, as you're doing it...
You're like deejaying your breath
to his breath.
You know when you're going too slow
and you feel like...
You're really trying
to catch up.
You're fighting for your life.
You kind of forget how to fucking breathe.
There's no air going in or out.
You could die.
The dog's like, "Die, bitch, please die."
Yeah.
Also, sex in the shower. Don't do it.
Don't. Don't.
Don't. Kevin, don't.
Don't have sex in the shower, okay?
'Cause guys and girls
like different temperatures.
Girls like it lava hot
'cause we're related to Satan.
And guys like it lukewarm
'cause they're confused.
They don't know what's going on.
Then you go to his bathroom.
He's not gonna have conditioner,
which is disrespectful.
Doesn't support women in the arts.
Or he has the three in one.
Which should be called zero.
'Cause I'm dirtier after using it.
And it always has these insane names.
It's like Rock Hard Mountain.
Punch a Wall Pinewood.
Throbbing Thunder.
Like, is this an Andrew Tate haiku?
You know when he's taking up
all the shower water
and you're just, like,
freezing your tits off,
and you're like, "How do I become Jack
at the end of the Titanic?"
There's room for me here.
You have to distract him
and take your hair
and put it on the back of his shower wall.
This is how we mark our territory.
It's female graffiti.
Put your fucking initials
if you're feeling artsy.
'Cause he's never washed that wall,
and he never will.
Also, don't do anal in the shower.
It will hurt so bad, my f-friend told me.
Once a guy texted me to sit on his face.
That's not straightforward.
No one tells you, you don't actually sit
on the guy's face.
You have to do this weird, like, hover.
Like you're at a Porta Potti
at Coachella, okay?
Oh. You gotta use your pelvis,
get your core in.
Do I like the fact that I can suffocate
a tiny man with my labia? Absolutely.
He's having trouble.
He can't find your clit.
He's on your kneecap,
and you're like, "This feels so good."
You're patting his forehead.
He looks like a Ninja Turtle.
Then, you know, halfway through,
you just start spacing out
at the white wall in front of you
And you're like,
"How did we get here, Hannah?"
Where is his headboard?
Is that a Mike Tyson poster?
Why is his name Eric with a C?
You guys think I should have kids?
I'll make a decision based on
what you guys say right now. I'll do it.
Okay, I'm getting a lot of mixed.
You're pointing at your daughter
right now, saying "no"?
She's gonna be funny,
have a good sense of humor. I like that.
She's like...
But I do feel like I get mixed...
I get a lot of mixed messages from moms.
They'll be like,
"It's the happiest you'll ever be,
but you'll never be happy again."
And I'm like,
what kind of fucking riddle...
- You're a mom?
- Yeah.
I actually became an aunt, though.
I'm an aunt. So I'm an aunt.
I'm an auntie.
I love when people congratulate me.
'Cause my brother made a mistake.
No, I'm just kidding.
He did it on purpose, and I know that.
'Cause him and his wife
were going around being like,
"We're trying. We're trying."
And I'm like, "Oh!"
Just tell people you're raw dogging.
Stop romanticizing it.
Me and you are doing the same.
You're praying for a baby.
I'm praying to not have a baby.
One more thing about abortion.
Have you guys seen Nick Cannon?
Has he come to Philly?
Close your pussies. It's crazy out there.
He has 12 children
with six different women.
I actually wasn't that judgey. I was like,
"Go off, Nick Cannon, do your thing."
Until I saw the name
of one of these children.
It's a beautiful name.
It was weird for me.
The name is Powerful Queen.
That's an adjective.
It was the full name that really got me.
The full name is Powerful Queen Cannon.
Because that's the name
of my vibrator.
Thank you so much, Philadelphia!
I love you guys so much!
They told me I could stand up here
for, like, ten seconds. I love you, babe.
Gigglers, are you ready?
Please welcome Hannah Berner!
What the fuck is up, Philadelphia?!
You little hoagie hoes, sit down!
Oh, okay, church.
I do have to address, there was absolutely
no need to do the worm there.
I don't know...
I don't know why I did it,
but it happened.
Thank you.
You guys, I just turned 30.
Twenty-nine months ago.
And I feel good.
But society tries to scare the shit out
of you when you turn 30.
They're like, if you're not fucking
your face with a jade roller.
If you're not snorting lines of collagen.
If you're not doing Pilates,
which is BDSM.
If you're not putting snail mucin,
snail ejaculate all over your face.
By the time you turn 30, they make
you feel like you're just gonna become...
Joe Biden.
I'm just kidding.
Women can't be president.
That would be insane.
And commercials are so cruel.
Commercials are like,
"Do you have a fine line?"
"Eww."
"Do you have a gray hair?"
"Disgusting."
"Men are never
gonna notice you ever again."
And I'm like, "That sounds... so peaceful."
Just to be able to walk home at night
without a worry in the world?
I can't wait till I'm the age
that I'm just unkidnappable.
How fucking freeing.
But you know what's crazy. I'm 32.
Thank you.
And I've never been kidnapped once.
And that's when you have to ask yourself,
"Am I fucking ugly?"
I'm not ugly, but I do have issues.
I do have issues.
I have depression.
I have anxiety.
I have chronic fatigue.
Any chronic fatigue girlies?
You do not have chronic fatigue.
She's like, "Yeah!"
No, I went to the doctor,
and I was like, "I don't feel good."
"I don't feel motivated.
What's wrong with me?"
And he goes,
"You haven't drank water since 1994."
And he's so fucking right.
I hate water. I think it's disgusting.
He said I have to get
an emotional support water bottle.
Girls nowadays,
they don't want a boyfriend.
They just want a Stanley.
But I think it's a conspiracy
that I have to drink so much water.
You know, like,
male conspiracy theories is 9/11,
the election,
the clit.
It's girl conspiracy theories that we need
to drink gallons of water.
What's a gallon? That's made up.
Also, we look like pilgrims with pails.
Walking around, it's like,
"You work from home, Stephanie."
"You're not walking the Oregon Trail."
Does anyone drink black coffee?
Yeah, you like to get choked.
Anyone drink Mountain Dew?
I can see her glowing in the dark.
That is liquid Chernobyl.
What are you doing?
Does anyone drink Diet Coke?
You guys are all not okay.
And no one's talking about it.
Girls are running around like...
My friend has six Diet Cokes a day.
And I'm like, "Look, I'm not a doctor."
"But I don't think that's good for you."
And she's like, "What? There's no sugar."
"There's no calories."
And I'm like,
"Then what the fuck is in it?"
'Cause heroin doesn't have sugar
or calories, and that's not great for you.
I'm not saying Diet Coke is heroin,
but I've never seen them
in the same room together.
I wish the most essential liquid
was an espresso martini.
Whoo-hoo!
'Cause it's a triple threat, right?
It gets you drunk.
It gets you hyper,
and you will have diarrhea
at the end of the night.
You are light as a feather
on the dance floor.
You're like, "Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh!"
$60 here.
- You had a $60 espresso martini?
- Thirty each.
- Thirty each.
- So we spent $60.
Plus, the wage gap. I'm fucking fuming.
The girl in front was like,
"Look at my receipt."
She's like, "Can I write this off?"
- What's your name?
- Isis.
Isis? Is it spelled the way
we are afraid it's spelled?
But this was... Was this pre?
She was before?
So they copied her.
That's like Hannah Montana and me.
I was first. Yeah.
Wait. Isis copied your brand.
That's embarrassing for them.
Get your own fucking brand.
Do you... Do you have a nickname?
No? That's horrible.
So someone will just be like,
"Isis is coming,"
and they're like, "What?"
Her middle name is Persephone.
- Her middle name is Persephone?
- Persephone.
Like Stephanie
with a purr in the beginning?
- Purr-Stephanie.
- Persephone.
What white trash shit
is going on right now?
That was good. That was good.
That was really good.
You'll see it on Netflix. That was funny.
Oh, guys.
There's no easy way to segue this.
But I've been really
into politics lately.
Now, look, regard... Thank you, one person.
Regardless what you believe in,
we all can agree it's been a little messy.
The last 200 years.
And I think we need a fresh perspective.
And I think I can bring that perspective.
I like the group over here that's like,
"Let's wait to see what she says."
Actually, you're right.
I don't know anything about politics,
but I know how to do research.
I went on TikTok.
And I figured it out,
but I went to the hot topics, okay?
I went to abortion.
Do you know some people believe
that you should never have an abortion
under any circumstances,
even if you're bloated.
And the next one
I obviously went to was guns.
Do you know some people believe
that guns don't kill people,
people kill people?
I have one edit.
Guns don't kill people. Men kill people.
And I'm not coming for the men.
I would never come for you.
It's just a fact.
90% of mass shootings, your boys.
And the 2% who were women
had a very legitimate reason
for what we did.
The men are shaking. They're scared now.
They're like, "Get me the fuck out."
Did you ever see the woman
who chopped her husband's dick off?
What did we all think?
We all went, "What did he do?"
So this is the thing, people want guns.
Fine. I just think we need
a little more gun safety,
and then if I do the girl math,
legally, the only people allowed
to have guns should be the girls.
We ride at dawn!
He's so scared. His hand is like...
'Cause this is the thing,
when men snap, they shoot stuff.
When a woman truly, truly, truly snaps,
she gets bangs.
And that's an assault on ourselves.
No one else is hurt.
It grows out in six months.
You're good, babe.
Also, like if I had a gun,
I would lose it in my room.
Every five minutes, I'd be like,
"Where the... Where the fuck did I...?"
"I was holding it all day.
Where did I put my..."
"Can someone call my gun?
Where the fuck did I put my gun?"
You get your gun. You're with your girls.
You're going out, and you're like,
"What purse are you wearing
with your gun?"
Then you go outside.
You're holding your purse and your gun
and Starbucks and keys and tampons.
You're like, "You're not shooting anyone.
You can barely hold anything."
Your nails are like...
clap if you have long nails.
Yeah, you can barely clap.
You're not shooting up a mall.
And then you get in the Uber to go
to the bar, and the girls come out.
And you're like, "Guns! We got our guns."
And then you're like, "Oh, shoot!
I forgot my gun in the Uber."
You're like, "Hold on."
You're like, "It's me again."
"I left my light baby blue
Hailey Bieber Rhode Peptide revolver."
Collab.
Revolver is actually
the only gun that I know.
And a musket.
Imagine a bunch of hot girls with muskets.
Like, "Hold on, my musket."
The musket keeps queefing.
No, you guys,
I thought this shit was so funny.
Thought it was so funny,
so I posted it online.
And some people were not happy with me.
No, no, no.
One guy was like,
"It's not the shooter's fault."
"It's the girl's fault."
"They're not giving enough blowjobs."
But I'm listening. I'm learning.
I said, "I hear you. I see you. New law!"
"If you can't get a blowjob,
you can't get a gun."
If you really want a gun,
you have to go to the blowjob shop.
You have to bring a girl to vouch for you.
And I'm in charge, okay?
But then one guy was, like, mad mad.
He was like,
"It's not the shooter's fault."
"It's the mom's fault."
"She didn't raise him right."
And I was like, "You are so right."
"She didn't raise the shooter right."
"She should have had an abortion."
Thank you.
What a polite abortion clap.
I'm gonna say something controversial
'cause you guys are fun.
Yeah!
Sex is not consistently
as good as society makes it seem.
Yeah!
But I'm not talking about the lesbians.
'Cause the lesbians, they're coming.
Okay, they're coming. They're coming.
Are there any lesbians in the crowd?
They all just came.
I had to ask my friend who's a lesbian,
I said, "How do you know
when the sex is done?"
You don't!
'Cause with a dude,
you fucking know, okay?
'Cause he'll be like, "Ooh!"
I'm like, "What dribbled out of your dick
that you can't speak for four weeks?"
"What happened?"
To my, uh, loud lesbian correspondent.
How do you actually know when it's done?
Carpal tunnel?
Battery dies?
I love that she's standing up.
She's like, "This is my moment."
How do you know when it's done?
- You get very, very tired.
- You get very tired.
All the straight girls are like,
"What is going on?"
She's like, "You've orgasmed so much
that your body is empty."
"And then you just go up to heaven.
That's how you know when it's done."
"Then you communicate with her afterwards
about your feelings. It's crazy."
I'll tell you, sexuality is not a choice.
That's how you know.
We need realistic sex in movies.
That's where we get confused.
It's so unrealistic, these scenes.
It's always the same scene too.
It's two people.
They bust down the door, right?
They just start going at it.
They're making out. They're breaking shit.
The guy will, like, kick over a lamp.
And I'm like, "Don't touch my home decor."
And then the guy
always picks the girl up, right?
Why does he pick her up like that?
And he, like, puts her
on the counter.
It's like, "First of all,
this is a studio apartment."
"My bed is right here."
"Also, don't put me on my counter."
"My counter's disgusting."
"Forks, soy sauce, ketchup,
Con Ed bills, Invisalign."
"I don't want my own teeth marks
on my back."
Also, then you know,
when the P goes in the V in the movies.
There should be a nuance, right?
Like, there's an angle.
It's hard to just, like, go in, right?
In movies,
the guy will just unzip his jeans,
look over here and go...
And she's like...
And I'm like, "The guy who wrote
this movie has never had sex before."
I want realistic sex in movies, you guys.
For example, I queef all the time.
And I've never heard one queef in a movie.
Zero queef representation in movies.
Thank you.
Also, when I say I'm queefing,
I'm farting.
But I'm telling him it's a queef.
'Cause men have absolutely
no clue what a queef is.
If it doesn't smell, you're Gucci.
Get out of there. You got away with it.
Also, when I say I'm squirting,
I'm peeing.
One more note about queefs.
Stop saying that I queefed.
You queefed me, okay?
And I know that for a fact
because I've never queefed alone.
You took your needle dick,
and you started pumping me
with air like a basketball.
Sorry you didn't realize
my pussy was so fucking tight
that the air was gonna get trapped,
and you didn't anticipate that.
But don't gaslight me
and tell me that I queefed
when I know for a fact I laid there
and did absolutely nothing.
Doggy's crazy.
No, I like doggy because
you can text.
But you kind of leave it up to him.
Like, he needs to figure it out.
And that's when he always,
like, accidentally hits the wrong hole.
And you have to go, "No."
But he's pretending like he's
in a dark elevator, clicking every button.
Good thing our buttholes
have the reflexes of a ninja.
And they're like...
We need realistic sex in movies.
Like, you know when you're riding a guy.
Now, ladies, when you're riding a guy,
don't worry about
what's going on over here.
You focus on him. He has 17 chins.
He's going through an exorcism.
What, when you lean over,
you have a couple rolls?
Men can't tell when you cut
your hair eight inches, okay?
You do you.
But you know when you're riding a guy...
and you kind of lose your rhythm?
We were like, "Okay, we're a team."
"Let's get this back.
Five, six, seven, eight."
"And one and two and three and four."
You know when
you're trying to go like this?
But someone gets off, and next thing
you know, you're just going like this?
And then he hasn't been in you
for four minutes, and you're just like...
My favorite part though
is when you come up
and his dick falls out a little?
And then you snap it like a glow stick.
It hurts. It's scary.
Men, you need to speak up.
Stop suffering in silence.
It's happening everywhere, okay?
It's happening everywhere.
What are dicks made out of?
You have no idea.
- Disappointment.
- Disappointment. That's hilarious.
- What are dicks made out of, babe?
- Collagen.
Collagen?
Honestly, men will say stuff
so confidently that I'm like, "Collagen."
"He's right. He's right."
You know, actually, I don't care.
But I don't wanna snap his dick,
but it's always so funny
'cause they always make that noise,
you know?
'Cause they're scared.
I'm scared. We're all scared.
And he always goes...
Then I'm like, "You queefed."
I queefed you. I queefed.
I queefed.
Anyone ever lost their virginity?
Sluts, a bunch of sluts.
I actually lost it once.
And it was fucked up.
It's fine that it was fucked up,
but no one warns you.
Society is like, "Oh, my God.
It's this beautiful coming of age."
"You become a woman."
And then a guy with a shrimp dick
rips open your hymen.
There's blood everywhere,
and he goes, "Did you come?"
And I'm like, "Unless that's come,
I have no clue what just went down."
And orgasming is hard.
Like, for a woman to orgasm,
for me specifically to orgasm...
She's like, "Yeah.
What are you gonna say?"
My legs have to be perfectly straight.
I have to have zero work emails
on my phone.
And I need to be alone.
Thank you.
She's independent.
But shout out to my vibrator.
She does great work.
They're souped up.
The technology nowadays,
you can storm a capitol with one of them.
And actually get the job done.
Also, the kids are choking now.
Someone goes, "What?" She is.
And this is my thing with choking.
How am I gonna come while I'm
also fighting for my life, you know?
I understand
some people want pain during sex,
but if you wanna hurt me during sex,
just look me in the eye and say,
"I'm disappointed in you."
There are some men in the crowd,
which I don't love.
No, I'm fine with men being in the crowd
as long as they have a chaperone.
Where's your chaperone, sir? Good.
- What's your name?
- Eric.
Eric with a C or K?
C. Thank God.
I would have had you kicked out.
I like you at the... at the end.
What's your name, sir?
- Kevin.
- Kevin. With a K?
Interesting. Oh, he's coming.
So what I love about Kevin,
you have a beard,
a mustache, glasses, and a hat.
Are you in Witness Protection?
What did you do?
- Nothing.
- Nothing.
That's what someone
who did something would say.
I'll follow up with you later.
Who's single?
We know Isis is single.
Can you imagine the dating apps?
Like, what the...?
He's like, "Who's outside?"
She's like, "Isis!"
- But you're single?
- Yes.
- You're single. Are you on the apps?
- I am. Yes.
Which apps?
- Hinge and Bumble.
- Hinge and Bumble.
- It's a scary place.
- It's a scary place. No, it is.
Hinge is crazy.
'Cause Hinge, it asks questions.
You can see people's personalities.
And I like when guys,
like, brag on not-braggy questions.
You know, when they're like,
"What's your hobby?"
and he goes, "I'm a jet-setter."
"I travel the globe."
"Don't hit me up
unless you wanna see the world."
I'm like, "Brad, you went to Panama City
Beach once during spring break."
"Shut the fuck up."
I have really bad taste in men,
but it was never my fault.
And it was never their fault.
It was Disney's fault.
Disney teaches you to be attracted
to the douchiest, most narcissistic guys.
It's never the nice guy.
It's the guy coming in on a horse
with a stupid hairdo, like a prince.
Doesn't shut up.
Actually, name a Disney prince
in the front.
You can yell it out,
and I'll tell you why he's the worst.
Eric!
- Prince Eric wanted to fuck a fish. Next.
- Aladdin!
Okay, Aladdin was hot.
Don't love the illegal pet monkey,
but he did pull off purple.
But Aladdin was kind of
like that guy on Hinge.
He was like, "Jasmin, I'm gonna show you
the world on my magic carpet."
He showed her a four-block radius,
lied to her face.
Sandoval, honestly.
Who's another prince?
Oh, Hercules has ED. Um...
Raising awareness.
Prince Charming. Okay, Prince Charming.
Who nicknames themself Prince Charming?
What a little douche.
Then he throws a party with all the women
in the kingdom, right, for himself.
Does a beeline for the girl
who's so blackout, she lost her shoe.
Tells her he loves her that night.
Next morning, can't find her
when she doesn't have makeup on.
He's like, "Where'd she go?
I don't recognize her."
Then takes her shoe
and puts it on every single girl's foot
in the kingdom.
Go on WikiFeet like a normal person
with a foot fetish, okay?
Leave these women alone!
Who else?
Okay, Simba.
You guys, don't turn on me.
Simba was a fuckboy.
Simba was such a fuckboy.
First of all, Nala's his cousin.
And he kept, like, hitting on her,
and finally, she was like,
"Okay, Simba, like, I like you."
And he's like, "Whoa. I need to focus
on my career becoming king
because my dad fucked me up. Mm."
Who else? Gaston's obvious.
That's your fault if you fell for Gaston.
- Shrek! Shrek!
- Who... Shrek.
Look, Shrek is ugly hot.
I would... sit on his face.
Who else?
Flynn Rider sounds like a lacrosse player
who did give me chlamydia.
John Smith was a colonizer.
Oh, you guys got tight on that?
That's crazy.
- Captain Hook!
- Captain Hook.
Why do I just get turned on?
He just has a rabbit attached to his hand.
I'll end with the Beast.
I'll end with the Beast.
I'm a Beast apologist.
I'm a Beast apologist.
They try to make the Beast like
he's this disgusting, horrible monster.
The Beast is 6'4".
Pulls off capris.
Looks like Travis Kelce.
He's a homeowner
with a mansion and a library.
That's old money. That's "fuck you" money.
I know some
of you guys are like, "Hannah."
"He was super controlling."
"He never let her leave the house."
That's my literal dream.
To never leave a mansion
and have gay utensils
getting me food the entire time!
Hi, zaddy in the blue.
There's a beautiful bald man right here.
Is that your man?
Is that your man?
I'm so jealous of bald men.
It is so shimmery and beautiful,
like a... like a baby dolphin, okay?
I'm so jealous of bald men,
'cause why can't my pussy be that smooth?
It's ingrowns.
I needed a Weedwacker to get here.
I'm half-Italian, okay?
And it's not fair. It's not fair.
'Cause when men are hairy,
you know, it's fine.
You know, they call 'em bears.
You know what
they call girls who are hairy?
Single. And it's not cool.
It's not feminist.
- Where'd you two meet?
- It's my dad.
Oh, it's your dad.
Ladies.
Perfect segue.
I actually got married, you guys.
I got married.
It's super off-brand for me.
I got married, but it's to an older man.
A zaddy, if you will.
And I love an older man.
I love an older man.
Because they are so tired.
They're exhausted.
They're not chasing women on the street.
They're on the verge of arthritis.
You get in a fight with them,
five minutes in, they're like,
"Yeah, whatever you want."
'Cause they wanna go to sleep.
I love that about him.
He's not going out at night.
The only thing going anywhere
is his hairline.
And I love that, clearly.
If you wanna meet an older man,
go to a Walgreens.
Go to the Advil section.
Put some in the palm
of your hand and just go...
They'll limp over like delicate pigeons.
Adorable.
We actually... We got engaged in six months.
Yeah. Because he doesn't
have a lot of time left.
I had a bachelorette. It was pretty crazy.
But bachelorettes, they're intense,
you know, right?
I feel like bachelor parties,
all the guys do
is see a quarter of a nipple,
and they're like,
"It was the greatest weekend of my life."
I think bachelorettes are cults.
Yeah, for sure.
And if you're quiet right now,
you're in one.
'Cause think about it.
Stephanie chooses you
to be a part of something bigger.
And then she takes you
to an undisclosed location.
Scottsdale, Arizona.
You're dehydrated. You're sunburned.
You're scared. You're blackout.
You've lost $2,000.
You've also lost your job.
If you even look at another bridesmaid
and you're, like...
Isn't this a lot?
She'll be like,
"Do you not support Stephanie?"
And I'm like, "No, no, no, no."
"I'm here for Stephanie.
I support Stephanie."
And then you have to give speeches
every night about how great Stephanie is.
I'm like, "This is Stephanie's
third marriage. I'm exhausted."
"We're running out of stories, Steph."
And then she makes you
all wear the same bikinis,
even though we all have
different body types. That's abuse.
We have to wear shirts that say,
like, "bitch, bride, tribe, cunt."
I'm like, "How did we get here?"
What I'm trying to say
is Scientology started in Charleston,
and no one talks about it.
Nobody talks about it.
Oh!
Take your birth control.
Speaking of birth control,
I, um, hooked up with my husband
on our wedding night.
Yeah. Did anyone... did anyone
not hook up on their wedding night?
Kevin, what happened?
You what? You were...
or you were running from the police.
So you guys played hard to get
on your wedding night.
You were like, "Figure it out tomorrow."
What were you drinking?
What's your drink of choice, Kevin?
Beer.
Beer.
You what? You took a what?
A dick pill.
You took a dick pill?
Kevin, I didn't ask about this.
I don't wanna know that.
I asked about your beer.
So you were just
passed out with a rock-hard dick.
And she's like, "Get it...
stop poking me with that."
When did you take the dick pill
in the night? I just wanna know.
- At noon.
- At noon?
So you were on the altar just like...
Wait, so you planned
to have a crazy, rip-roaring night
of seven hours of sex
and you had two beers,
and you were like...
You know, I support men taking pills.
Because we're taking birth control,
Lexapro, Xanax.
Take one fucking dick pill.
Honestly, I think I had sex
on my wedding night 'cause he's sober.
So he was ready to go,
but I realized on my wedding night
that I hadn't taken my birth control
in two weeks.
And my friend Paige. You guys know Paige.
So she blacked out at my wedding.
Stumbled over to me
with her long little fingers.
And she was like,
"You're gonna get pregnant
on your wedding night."
And you know when,
like, you can't not believe her?
'Cause if you do, you're like, "Why didn't
I fucking listen to that blackout bitch?"
I am so bad with my birth control.
I'll miss two days, I'll take four.
I miss five days, I'll take seven.
I'll miss a week, and I'll just put one
up my butthole. I'm like, "I'm on track."
Does anyone cheat with an IUD?
- Do you have an IUD?
- Yes.
What kind do you have?
Copper, silver, rose gold?
- Kyleena.
- Kyleena.
Why is it always a hot girl's name?
It's like, "Kyleena." "Mirela."
Did it hurt?
- Worst of my life.
- Ooh!
I feel like they don't warn you
how much it hurts.
I feel like a doctor takes a paperclip,
and it's like, "Hold on one second."
Walk it off.
When men get vasectomies,
they get airlifted to the Bahamas.
A nurse is cupping his balls.
She's like, "You're doing amazing."
"Cough if you need. I'll feed you grapes."
So I realize the night
of my wedding...
...that, um, I was ovulating.
I'll explain what that is
to you later, Kevin.
And the next morning,
I was like, "I need to wake this guy up."
"We have a problem."
He's old, so whenever I wake him up,
I'm always like,
"Are you alive?"
He's like, "What?"
I'm like, "Do you wanna have a baby?"
And he's like, "I kind of
wanna travel for two to three years."
And I'm like, "You're 47.
Where the fuck haven't you been?"
You wanna go to Mars, Jeff Bezos?
Like, who do you think you are?
Carmen Sandiego?
I go, "You know what?
Let's travel to Walgreens,
your favorite place,
'cause I need to get Plan B."
Now, I don't care how many times
you've been to this Walgreens,
when you go for Plan B,
you've never seen
this establishment before.
It's dark. It's haunted.
It smells different.
You're full main-character energy
when you walk in.
You're always like...
How can I get pregnant
as a teenager?
What am I gonna do?
And then you go up to the guy
who hates you, and you're like,
"Do you have Plan B?"
And he's like, "What?"
And you're like, "Plan B."
He's like, "Hold on one sec."
"Disheveled girl in aisle six
is irresponsible with her pussy lips."
"And she needs Plan B."
And he's like, "Let's go
to the family planning aisle."
And I'm like, "No, no, no.
I need the family unplanning aisle."
And then you get there,
and it's locked up like Fort Knox.
They're locking up everything nowadays,
like multivitamins.
Who's tweaking on a multivitamin?
And then he tries to open it up
and you're like, "Be quiet about it."
And then he takes, like, a power tool,
and he's like...
Um... and then he gives it to you,
and you're like,
"Thank you. I'm a teenager."
And then when you go outside
to open it up,
it has seven layers
of the hardest plastic
I've ever seen in my life.
And I don't walk around with a chainsaw.
I'm trying to get rid of my maybe-baby.
Anyway, that's how I lost my virginity.
It was crazy.
That's the thing with an older man.
He is... he is deteriorating emotionally
and physically,
which is the goal.
Like, before we got married,
he really annoyed me
because we went
to a fancy Italian restaurant.
This small restaurant.
I ordered a burrata.
Do you guys have burrata in Philly?
Oh, I love burrata.
Three things better than sex.
Burrata.
Q-tip in your ear,
'cause it's naughty.
And revenge. I fucking love revenge.
- So, I ordered the burrata.
- I open it up. It's like...
You know...
He looks at me,
and he's like, "I think I'm gonna faint."
And I'm like, "I know.
This burrata is so good."
And he's like, "No, like,
could you call an ambulance?"
And you know
when that's just, like, not the vibe?
I start Googling.
I'm like, "How do
you even call an ambulance?"
Is there, like, a quiet ambulance
or, like, a Zoom or, like, a telehealth?
And he's like,
"Can you just get the waitress?"
And I'm like, "I'm not getting other
people involved in your shit right now."
And finally, he hails down the waitress,
and she starts freaking out.
She starts calling.
She's like, "911, a man needs 911!"
Everyone in the restaurant's upset.
They're getting up.
Some people are fanning him.
He's loving the attention.
He's like...
Then, for the ambulance people to come,
they had to, like,
take the table away with my burrata.
And I'm like, "Okay."
We also have to pay for this food,
and I forgot my wallet in my other coat.
So I was like, "Babe."
"Babe."
"Babe, I need your wallet."
He popped up, and he's like, "I'm fucking
dying here. You need my fucking wallet?"
And the guy next to him is like,
"Don't speak to your daughter like that."
I'm like, "Thanks, Dad."
"We need to leave a hefty tip
after the shit you pulled tonight."
And then the EMT lady came,
and she knew exactly what was going on.
I looked at her. She looked at me.
He was having
an amateur-hour panic attack.
Now, as a hot girl,
that's just how we wake up
in the morning, okay?
I've had four panic attacks
on stage tonight.
And you know what we do?
We suck it the fuck up!
But it's not men's fault, okay?
'Cause if they feel
any emotion besides anger, they're like...
"Could you call 911?"
So she looked at him, and she was like,
"You know, you're gonna be fine."
"Um, are you nervous about anything?"
And he was like, "I am nervous
about getting married in a couple months."
And I was like,
"Oh, now we're playing the blame game."
And she's like, "Look,
you don't have to go to the hospital."
"Stop drinking so much Diet Coke.
Drink the water, breathe."
"You're gonna be fine."
He's like, "Yeah, okay, I don't have to
go to the hospital. I feel better."
And I'm like, "This is so embarrassing."
So everyone goes back to their seat,
and I'm like, "What is he gonna do?"
Like, "How is he gonna get out of this?"
This man stands up, and he goes,
"It wasn't the food. Have a good night."
And I'm like, "Did he just have a closer?"
My dad thinks I'm on my phone too much.
He's like, "You're addicted to your phone.
You're always on your phone."
I'm like, "Dad,
you're always on your phone."
"'Cause you text with your index finger.
It takes you fucking forever."
I'm on TikTok a lot. I am. I'm on TikTok.
What's interesting to me,
who's not on TikTok?
Okay, why are you not on TikTok?
Are you afraid to know who you really are?
I'm 38.
You're 38, a young spring chicken.
- Are you on Reels?
- No, but Instagram.
Like, I'm not even on Snapchat.
You should not be on Snapchat. You're 38.
It's just 22-year-old dongs on Snapchat.
If you're on Reels,
I feel like Reels is like Juuling.
TikTok is cigarettes. We're all gonna die.
Also, if you're on Reels,
that means you just found out
that Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian
broke up, and I love that for you.
Love that for you.
Do you see the kids still doing dances?
Like, it's been a while.
They're dancing a little too long.
I was wondering,
I'm like, "Why are they doing this"?
And then I realized, I think these kids
are communicating with each other.
To overtake us.
And this is a violent motion.
You just saw my labia. That was crazy.
But think about it.
These kids are strong.
Like, they survived Tide Pods.
They're sturdy in a fight.
And they're smart. Like, when they were
at restaurants, they had their iPads.
Three years old.
Beep-beep. Beep-beep-beep.
Fuck you, Mom. Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.
When I was two at a restaurant,
I was trying to see
how many butter packets
I could shove in my face without puking.
My dad's like, "Nine.
That's my girl. She's gonna go far."
Do you guys know Jeremy?
I babysat this kid named Jeremy.
I hate this kid.
I'd have to bribe him to do everything.
I'd be like, "Jeremy."
"If you finish your math homework,
you get chocolate ice cream."
He said, "Shut up, slut."
I was like, "Jeremy, don't talk to me
like that, or you're gonna turn me on."
We're having fun.
It's Saturday. We're having fun.
What if I did that?
That would be crazy. Every time...
Anyway, back to me, um...
- I have intimacy issues.
- Don't we all.
Do you like to cuddle?
You do? Do you like
to be the big or small spoon?
Both. He's verse. He's freaky.
Actually, as a girl,
it's a lot more complicated
when we're the small spoon.
Lots of things can go wrong.
Think about it. First, you have to get
into a weird little fetal position, right?
Then you have to move your hair,
so it's out of his face
but still looks cute.
You're like, "Hey!"
And then he takes his big dumb hand.
And he always puts it right here.
Gut check.
You have to suck in
like you've never sucked in before.
You're like, "I'm so little, so tiny."
"I'm so little."
He's like, "Are you comfortable?"
You're like, "Sucking up my rolls!"
But as you're sucking in,
God forbid a little air wants to come out.
Your butt is right on his penis.
The whole relationship is on the line.
It's so much pressure,
and you can't sweat even though
there's a hot body lying on you.
So hold your pores.
Hold your butthole. Just go...
There's a zero percent chance
you're falling asleep.
Meanwhile, he falls asleep immediately.
The second his head hits the pillow,
he's like...
'Cause he's so tired
from gaslighting all day. It's crazy.
But I like to pivot.
I like to pivot
and put my head on his chest.
Life hack. Then you can lift a butt cheek.
The air comes out silent.
You pray it's not sulfuric. You pray.
You don't wanna Oppenheimer
his entire bedroom.
If it smells, you blame the dog.
I don't know why
there's always a dog staring at you.
He's like, "Ever since I met you,
the dog's been
having a lot of stomach issues."
And I'm like,
"You should get that checked."
But I love to put my head on his chest.
It feels so good.
Because you feel his heart beating,
and you're like, "This is love."
And you feel his chest go up and down.
And you're like, "Wouldn't it
be so cute if I matched my breath
with his breath,
and we became one soul,
taking on this harsh,
cold, scary world together?"
But then, as you're doing it...
You're like deejaying your breath
to his breath.
You know when you're going too slow
and you feel like...
You're really trying
to catch up.
You're fighting for your life.
You kind of forget how to fucking breathe.
There's no air going in or out.
You could die.
The dog's like, "Die, bitch, please die."
Yeah.
Also, sex in the shower. Don't do it.
Don't. Don't.
Don't. Kevin, don't.
Don't have sex in the shower, okay?
'Cause guys and girls
like different temperatures.
Girls like it lava hot
'cause we're related to Satan.
And guys like it lukewarm
'cause they're confused.
They don't know what's going on.
Then you go to his bathroom.
He's not gonna have conditioner,
which is disrespectful.
Doesn't support women in the arts.
Or he has the three in one.
Which should be called zero.
'Cause I'm dirtier after using it.
And it always has these insane names.
It's like Rock Hard Mountain.
Punch a Wall Pinewood.
Throbbing Thunder.
Like, is this an Andrew Tate haiku?
You know when he's taking up
all the shower water
and you're just, like,
freezing your tits off,
and you're like, "How do I become Jack
at the end of the Titanic?"
There's room for me here.
You have to distract him
and take your hair
and put it on the back of his shower wall.
This is how we mark our territory.
It's female graffiti.
Put your fucking initials
if you're feeling artsy.
'Cause he's never washed that wall,
and he never will.
Also, don't do anal in the shower.
It will hurt so bad, my f-friend told me.
Once a guy texted me to sit on his face.
That's not straightforward.
No one tells you, you don't actually sit
on the guy's face.
You have to do this weird, like, hover.
Like you're at a Porta Potti
at Coachella, okay?
Oh. You gotta use your pelvis,
get your core in.
Do I like the fact that I can suffocate
a tiny man with my labia? Absolutely.
He's having trouble.
He can't find your clit.
He's on your kneecap,
and you're like, "This feels so good."
You're patting his forehead.
He looks like a Ninja Turtle.
Then, you know, halfway through,
you just start spacing out
at the white wall in front of you
And you're like,
"How did we get here, Hannah?"
Where is his headboard?
Is that a Mike Tyson poster?
Why is his name Eric with a C?
You guys think I should have kids?
I'll make a decision based on
what you guys say right now. I'll do it.
Okay, I'm getting a lot of mixed.
You're pointing at your daughter
right now, saying "no"?
She's gonna be funny,
have a good sense of humor. I like that.
She's like...
But I do feel like I get mixed...
I get a lot of mixed messages from moms.
They'll be like,
"It's the happiest you'll ever be,
but you'll never be happy again."
And I'm like,
what kind of fucking riddle...
- You're a mom?
- Yeah.
I actually became an aunt, though.
I'm an aunt. So I'm an aunt.
I'm an auntie.
I love when people congratulate me.
'Cause my brother made a mistake.
No, I'm just kidding.
He did it on purpose, and I know that.
'Cause him and his wife
were going around being like,
"We're trying. We're trying."
And I'm like, "Oh!"
Just tell people you're raw dogging.
Stop romanticizing it.
Me and you are doing the same.
You're praying for a baby.
I'm praying to not have a baby.
One more thing about abortion.
Have you guys seen Nick Cannon?
Has he come to Philly?
Close your pussies. It's crazy out there.
He has 12 children
with six different women.
I actually wasn't that judgey. I was like,
"Go off, Nick Cannon, do your thing."
Until I saw the name
of one of these children.
It's a beautiful name.
It was weird for me.
The name is Powerful Queen.
That's an adjective.
It was the full name that really got me.
The full name is Powerful Queen Cannon.
Because that's the name
of my vibrator.
Thank you so much, Philadelphia!
I love you guys so much!
They told me I could stand up here
for, like, ten seconds. I love you, babe.