Hayride to Hell (2022) Movie Script
1
[Glass shattering]
[Eerie music]
[Laughter]
Yum yum.
I love it.
Better than roadkill
any day of the week.
Are there any witches on there?
We need a witch to burn.
Do you have any witches?
My sister's a witch.
No, she's a witch.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Come have some.
Me and my friend want
to share with you.
We made it on the farm.
It's corn whiskey.
Goes straight to your soul.
[Screaming]
[Shouting]
Happy hayride!
What?
That's not funny.
Oops. Missed.
Would any of you
like to be a target?
I'm just kidding.
It's not even loaded.
Not cool man.
You're missing one thing.
Eye of nute, and your leg!
I lost my head!
I lost my head!
Has anyone seen my head?
Don't be unreasonable, Sam.
We're only doing what's
in your best interest.
The bank has to treat
all the loans the same.
No matter how long your
family's been here.
Oh, you mean the
first the pioneers.
My great great grandfather,
Cornelius Cox, tilled the soil
with his bare hands when this
was nothing but wilderness.
Oh, come on, now,
you're being dramatic.
We're only asking you to sell
a little piece of land on the
backside of your farm.
You can pay off your bank
loan, and we can turn it into
something that the
whole community can use.
Oh, well, how would you like
it if I carved a few pounds off
your backside?
That lazy ass sits
in a chair all day.
I mean, what if I cut out
your your liver, your kidneys?
I mean, you wouldn't
miss him, right?
It's just a pound of flesh.
This farm has been in my family
for generations, and I will not
sell a single acre to
you or anyone else.
The bank will be forced to call
in the loan if you can't make
any more payments.
Well guess what?
This year the hayride is going
pretty good, so by the end of
the season, we should have more
than enough money to pay off
the damn bank loan.
So we're just wasting our time.
We're not done here.
Well, I am.
I have people outside here who
appreciate what I'm doing for
this community.
Close the door on your way out.
Oh, no. I know what it says.
Um, well, I got it now.
What?
I don't need one now.
I'm good at this.
All right, all right.
Hey.
Hey, everybody. Howdy.
Wait a minute.
I got another one.
What do you call a priest
who becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law.
Hey, I will cut out your
spleen with an ice cream scoop!
This is a little,
This is a little dangerous
up here.
What do you call
a single vampire?
- Sam.
- A bachelor.
Stupid fool.
Sam doesn't realize how
deep of a hole he's in.
Hole?
It's more like he
dug his own grave.
When he defaults on that loan,
we're going to get the whole
freaking farm.
He's his own worst enemy.
Well tell us, Sam, why can't
warlocks impale me?
Well, they have halloweeners
and crystal balls.
[Laughter]
Hey, we got a million of them.
We'll pay you to
stop telling them.
No, no, no, no.
Spend your money to
support the farm.
Go over and buy some pumpkins.
Candy apples.
My cousin's apple pie.
And in fact, today we have
a special on pirate corn.
Pirate corn? How much is
it selling for?
It's a buccaneer.
Hey!
Thank you. I'm here
til Tuesday.
Don't forget to tip the help.
Thank you so much.
[Jingle bells]
Hello.
It's me.
Pumpkin Klaus.
Hello.
Alright! Pumpkin Klaus!
How do we have any
good boys and girls?
Why they're all good.
Well then let's hand these out.
Alright.
Here we go.
Yes. There's one for you.
Here you go.
Here's a little.
One for you.
Thank you so much.
One for you.
No wonder he's broke.
Jesus.
He's just giving them away.
Like I said, he's
his own worst enemy.
Oh, Sam, this is so great.
We look forward to
this every year.
Yeah, Sam, it's not
Halloween until the hayride.
Well, I appreciate
you being here.
And don't forget to get an
apple pie before they sell out.
All by two.
You hear that, Hazel?
Two apple pies for
this lovely lady.
Here you go.
Thank you.
You know, supporting local
business is how farmers
like me survive.
So thank you for that.
Of course.
I come to your vegetable
stand year round.
I think that farm fresh tastes
way better than supermarket.
All right, well.
I do appreciate that.
And here's your change.
You know.
Hazel, why don't you give these
fine folks whatever they want
to drink on the house?
Oh, Sam, you really
don't have to do that.
We can pay.
No, no, no, you guys have
bought those two apple pies.
That's great.
So anyway, I got to go.
Thanks again.
So what'll it be?
I'm sure going to miss this.
Miss what?
Sugartown scared
the whole thing.
I've been coming here
since I was a kid.
What? Nothing's going anywhere.
I heard a rumor that the
county's shutting it all down.
No more hayride, no more
Pumpkin Claus.
Bullshit!
Look, Farmer Sam
is my uncle, okay?
I'd certainly know if anything
like that was going to happen.
Sorry, I didn't
mean to upset you.
I mean, our family needs this
hayride to keep the farm afloat.
It's a little tough to be
paying bills when tomatoes are
only two bucks a pound.
That's a lot of
freaking tomatoes.
That's for damn sure.
And fertilizer is 685 a ton.
Oh, here, have some cider.
Oh. Thank you.
Are you having a
good time tonight?
- Yeah, of course.
- Absolutely.
Did you catch me and
Lester, by the way?
You bet.
Yeah, yeah.
Buccaneer.
Uh oh.
Here comes trouble.
Well, if it isn't Sheriff
Jubal and Deputy Dimwit.
So have you guys caught the
shithead kids who broke into my
barn, or are you just going
to let your son vandalize my
entire property before you
make him your new deputy?
Well, you're replacing me.
No. Good ol Sam here fancies
himself a comedian just because
his family was first
to settle in this area.
He thinks he owns a
whole goddamn place.
But a little birdie told me
that pretty soon you might not
own shit. Bank problems.
You ever heard of
a sheriff sale?
I have, and boy, are they fun.
You know, now is
not the time, Jubal.
The commissioner has forced me
to hire you and your deputy for
traffic control at overtime
wages, I might add.
So why don't you two go control
some traffic and leave me and
the real public
servants at peace.
Oh, and have yourself
a nice hot cider.
Of course, you're going to
have to pay for it yourself.
Your cider tastes like ass.
Well, you should know.
Traffic control.
Traffic control.
Hey, what's this I hear about
the county trying
to shut you down?
Nothing they haven't
tried before.
I heard there's a new developer
in the county scooping up land
everywhere so he can
build even more houses.
Over my dead body.
Yeah.
God, it's like
the perfect storm.
Could it get any worse?
Relax, Uncle Sam, I got this.
Here, take this.
Okay.
Dick and Karen!
Welcome!
Hello farmer Sam. Seems like
you're having a great night.
Quite the rowdy crowd.
Oh, yes.
And well within county
guidelines, Karen.
And if you have any complaints,
like take them up with
the next committee meeting.
Don't think I won't
exercise my right.
I gotta take this.
Hello? What?
Timmy's stuck in the well.
I'll be right there.
I gotta go, got to go.
You're a real lifesaver, Patty.
I'm a paramedic, after all.
Is Karen still out there
foaming at the mouth?
Yeah, she's still
circling like a shark.
You got to go find a
Timmy to toss in a well.
That was a good one.
Gotcha.
There you are.
Those kids are in the
family cemetery again.
See?
Oh, shit.
Well, go tell the sheriff to do
some policing for a change and
meet us over at the family plot.
[Stone smashing]
- Oh, yeah.
- That's a wing.
Base hit.
- Alright Tyler.
- Ready?
Yeah, yeah. We're ready.
Bases loaded.
Clean up.
[Stone smashing]
[Shouting and laughing]
Home run.
- Drink up.
- Cheers.
- Rush.
- Rush!
Oh, shit!
Farmer, Baba!
Let's go.
Let's go.
This is family property,
you assholes!
Shit I dropped a beer, man.
[Gunshot]
Oh!
You shot me!
Yeah, it was rock
salt, you dumb ass!
Next time you come back here.
It's going to be some
deer slugs!
[Police siren]
Get him.
[Gunshot]
Jesus, Sam's gone crazy.
Yeah. No shit.
Just lay low while
I talk him down.
Now it's about goddamn time.
[Shouting]
Well,
that's one way of talking
him down.
[Dogs barking]
Fuck!
Dumbass.
[Shouting]
[Laughter]
Look at that.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
[Dog yelps]
Yeah! What!
Ah!
Ah!
Turn it off!
It is off!
He's seizing on his own.
Shit!
Get rid of the wire.
Is he dying?
Shut up and put the wires
in the car.
Ah ah ah ah ah
ah ah ah.
Patty, Chris, we got a medical
emergency out here.
Chris, what is it?
It's Sam. He collapsed.
You better come quick.
Keep your mouth shut.
Maybe I can save your ass.
Jesus. What happened?
Like he had a seizure.
Is he diabetic or something?
No he isn't.
Hey, old Sam's firing his
shotgun in the woods like a
madman and suddenly just
dropped like he had a
stroke or something.
It's okay, it's okay.
[Siren wailing]
We got him stabilized with
a shot of Ativan, but his
heartbeat's irregular.
It's like he had a stroke or something.
Uh, he's firing the shotgun in
the woods like a crazed lunatic
and suddenly just dropped to
the ground and started shaking.
Right?
Yeah, He pointed the shotgun at me.
He fell down, shaking and.
Ah! Good girl.
Good girl.
Where's rebel girl?
Where'd your sister run off to?
I'll find her.
She's probably out chasing
rabbits again, man.
I know, man.
I could see the worry on your
face, but your uncle is a tough
old bastard, man.
He'll be all right
before you know it.
Hey, Patty, we've got an ODS.
You want to take
it or stay here?
Uh, no, you go ahead.
We need the money.
I'll have budge drive
me to the hospital.
Copy that, later Budge.
Doesn't he need your help?
No, it's an ODS.
He can do it solo.
Oh, organ delivery service.
Sometimes we run organs
from hospital to hospital.
It's good.
Money saves lives, too, right?
Oh, yeah.
That too.
Sorry. Sometimes I get
a little numb to it all.
Well, all I wanted to say, man,
is that I'm so glad that you
are there for Sam.
Because I don't think the
sheriff would have known what
to do otherwise.
I don't even want
to think about it.
Yeah.
[Laughter]
[Laughter]
Hello, Sam.
Look's like you had a
rough night.
What am I doing here?
You had a seizure and the
paramedics gave you a shot of.
Hey.
No relax.
Stop that.
Please, please.
You were going to hurt yourself.
- I gotta get back to the farm.
- I need some help in here.
I gotta get back to the farm.
Please sit down and relax.
No you're
going to be better.
I gotta get back to the farm.
Okay. Please relax sir.
Hey, Sam.
Wow. You gave us all quite
a scare last night.
You know, passing out and all.
Passing out?
You son of a bitch.
I ought to piss on your foot.
Hey, watch your mouth!
You don't calm down.
Me and my deputy are going
to chain you to your bed.
Now, you don't
want that, do you?
Jesus, Sam, what are
you doing out of bed?
These assholes are
trying to finish me off.
Oh, nurse, will you please
sedate this idiot before I
throw him in the drink?
I need you to calm
down, Uncle Sam.
Okay? You're still
under medication.
It's okay, Sam.
I got your back.
No one is going to
finish anything.
Shut up, Jamaica boy.
He's not from Jamaica, dimwit.
Okay, that's.
Enough. Now get to your bed or
I'm gonna sedate you myself.
Well, they started it.
- Now let's go!
- Ow!
All right, calm down.
It's okay, it's okay.
What are you doing here, anyway?
This is a local matter.
Why don't you go
back to Jamaica?
Jamaica? I'm not
from Jamaica, man.
I'm from Belize.
Where the fuck is that?
It's on the Yucatan Peninsula
of Central America, bro.
Well, I don't give a shit.
Belize. You know what I Belize.
I believe this is America.
You can take your skinny black
ass and go back to Jamaica.
When I'm Garifuna, we
don't back down, yo.
All right.
Okay, I understand
you're both tough guys.
This ain't the place for it.
You're right.
This ain't the place.
So you best give Sam his peace
and quiet, if you
know what I mean.
Yeah.
Quiet. I like that
everybody stays quiet.
Nobody has any problems.
Yeah. No problems here.
No problems here.
Wait.
We don't have a problem.
No, we don't have problems.
Garifuna here doesn't need to
be reminded that his boss fired
a shotgun at a
bunch of teenagers.
Now,
if things get loud, I'm going
to have to file those charges,
aren't I?
Like I said, man,
peace and quiet.
Okay.
Whatever.
That's all right.
That's good.
That's good.
Yeah. My family came here
when this was nothing.
We built all this town
grew up around us.
Sam.
Look.
Oh, Jesus.
[Orchestra music]
[Music continues]
You like that?
There's the whole case of them.
Plus trash, two tampons
and a lawn chair.
A goddamn lawn chair.
You and your hayride.
Those jackasses think that your
Halloween fiasco is an open
invitation to party in the
cornfields and throw the crap
all over the place.
Come on, Wilbur.
That combine of yours weighs
about three four tons.
And I don't think a little junk
is going to break that monster.
That's not the point.
The fact is, I have to stop
and get out of the cab.
And you know how much I
hate to get out of the cab.
Oh, God.
You're right, you're right.
Look. I'm sorry, okay?
I will tell my guys to make sure
they keep the guests out of
the fields, all right?
Or, or.
You could just shut down
the hayride altogether.
It's a goddamned nuisance.
Yeah. Great.
More goddamn fart catchers.
Ah, Betsy.
I am touched.
I assume you came all the way
out here to check up on me.
Seeing as I almost
died last night.
You didn't nearly die.
You just had a mild
seizure, from what I'm told.
And don't think I don't know
about you threatening
those boys.
Oh, you mean the vandals who
defaced my family plot and the
little shit who killed my dog?
Your dog?
Well, I don't know anything
about that, Missy, Gina.
It has been deemed by the
county that the public
attraction called Sugartown
scare is a nuisance and threat
to public safety by writ
of the Sheriff's office.
Wait a minute. Wait.
Public safety?
I'm the one who was in
the hospital last night.
And a nuisance?
A nuisance to whom?
To these leeches who live
off false insurance claims.
I could sue you for libel.
It's not libel if it's true.
Belize law school.
I have a right as a citizen
of this county to a safe and
peaceful home.
And the element that hayride
brings to the area
makes me uncomfortable.
Well, you're entitled.
Bullshit.
Makes me uncomfortable.
And this is my land.
I can do with it what I want.
Actually, you're still within
the boundaries of Willis
County, so this farm and
everything that happens on it
is under our jurisdiction.
You're shut down.
I believe that the state law
allows for a 30-day remedy
regarding any
private business.
Law school again?
Judge Judy.
Well, there you have it.
30 days in 30 days,
Halloween will be over.
And so who cares?
Well, then we'll just close the
road, and then no one can get
to your farm.
This farm is 275 acres adjacent
to four roads, one of which is
a major artery into town.
Are you going to
shut that down, too?
Don't tempt me.
All right, all right.
Okay, here's what I say.
You give me three days to
make the greatest, most non
nuisance, haunted attraction
in the history of mankind.
And if you are not 100%
satisfied with it, I will sell
not only the parcel you want.
I will sell the
whole goddamn farm.
And I will leave this
miserable county forever.
However, if you agree that this
is the scariest ride you've
ever been on, then no more
complaints, citations, county
writs, or other bullshit.
So let me get this straight.
You're willing to gamble the
future of your entire family
farm on whether or
not you can scare me.
You and your fellow
commissioners.
And I'd like to invite Dick and
Karen because their opinions
matter too.
You have a deal.
See you in three days.
That's it.
That's it.
Now get the fuck off my land.
I don't want that.
Three days.
See you later.
Are you sure about this, my brother?
Yeah.
Time to get to work.
[Dramatic music]
[Music continues]
[Evil laugh]
Thank you, Cousin Needles.
[Music continues]
[Screaming]
[Music continues]
So this is where the 450
units are going to go.
Approximately.
Ladies.
See you soon.
Cute, Sam.
Hey, Nick's been looking
all over for you.
Hey, Patty.
What's up?
What are you doing in here?
Uh, yeah, I'm just
cleaning my gun.
They won't let me do
it inside anymore.
Ever since that.
Uh, so what's up?
Well, I've got two invitations.
One for you and one
for the sheriff.
I'm really looking forward
to seeing you there tonight.
Yeah, I wouldn't
miss it for anything.
Great. See ya.
Hey, Patty.
Uh, you know, I was thinking
maybe after the hayride, if
you're not doing anything, uh,
maybe we could go bobbing for
pumpkins or carve an apple
or something like that.
Mmm.
After the hayride?
Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah.
Uh, maybe we make
it a candy apple.
Let's just see if you can
deliver that invitation to your
boss first, huh?
I'll give it to Jubal right now.
Great. Don't be late.
I'll see you tonight.
Hey Uncle Sheriff,
I hold in my hand.
Turn a crash into cash.
Dick got me big money from
my car accident.
Money, money, money.
Dick got me a giant settlement
for my slip and fall.
Screw you, insurance companies.
Hi, I'm Richard Singleton,
but my friends call me Dick.
If you slip and fall, give
me a call and ask for Dick.
If you don't have Richard
Singleton on your side,
you ain't got dick.
Dick Singleton, super lawyer.
Isn't that great?
Tell me that's not great.
Tell me that's not the best
thing you've ever seen.
It's great, Dick.
Yeah, it is great.
You're gonna get a lot of
calls for that one, I'm sure.
Well go answer the
fucking door.
Anytime today would be nice.
This is private property.
You can't be here.
No worries, Mrs. Singleton.
Just delivering an invitation
for you both to the new hayride.
You're on the judging
committee, aren't you?
I don't all of
that was for real.
Yeah, it sure is.
The supervisors will want to
take your opinion into account.
I mean, you have
an opinion, right?
I sure do.
She sure does.
Great. See you at the hayride.
Morning, darling.
Yeah. Carnauba wax
looks real nice.
Let's get you a
little shine here.
There you go.
Oh, baby.
What is it?
And, honey, I miss you.
And I'm being good.
I long to be with you.
If only I could.
Not until we saved
the farm, sweetheart.
That's right.
Yeah. Jubal.
Yeah, I know he's an idiot.
I can always fool him.
I mean, after all, I'm a
farmer and he's just a cop.
Ah, yeah, but.
Oh, God.
The commissioners.
But they're storm
clouds are coming.
Oh, I got some
plans, sweetheart.
Oh, I got some plans.
I know, I know,
it's not Christian.
I know, but it is, right?
All right, sweetie,
what do you think?
Do you approve?
I knew you would.
See you later.
Well, if Sam wants to impress
us, he's off to a bad start.
You weren't seriously
going to honor the bet.
Sure we are.
We honorably vote that this new
ride is unsafe and
not entertaining.
Oh, that reminds me.
Can you please
feed Fiona tonight?
She needs half a can.
Yes, you can give
her some cat treats.
Um.
Everything all
right there, boss?
Yeah.
Everything's just
fucking peachy.
What do you say we take a look
and see what kind of a dog and
pony show Sam has for us?
Shall we?
I think it's gonna
be pretty cool.
I mean, they really
went all out.
Just give him a chance.
Dumb ass.
Welcome, welcome, welcome!
Distinguished guests.
Neighbors, Keystone
cops, welcome to the new
and improved hayride to hell.
[Laughter]
It was a harvest moon on the
haunted hayride.
Some will have lived and
some will have died.
The real mystery is,
who will it be?
A crooked cop or
commissioners three.
A greedy witch, a dick
or the annoying bitch?
who knows who ends up
buried in the ditch?
I warn you now, writer, beware.
This haunt will have
plenty of scare.
So as I fight to survive with
this elaborate cell, I dare you
to take the hayride to hell.
[Laughter]
Welcome!
[Laughter]
This is gonna be good.
My dad says he and his deputy
have been invited to judge
the safety standards to
Farmer Sam's hayride.
I thought you said the farmer
and the sheriff hate each other.
They do.
All right.
Hello, ladies.
I'm so glad you could
make it out tonight.
Thank you for the invitation.
You realize that this doesn't
mean that we will support
keeping this going.
Oh, no, I totally understand.
All I'm asking is you
keep an open mind.
Fair enough.
Because I have a feeling that
by the end of tonight, you'll
understand just how important
this is to our family.
Well, we will try and
keep an open mind.
Well, I appreciate that.
And speaking of keeping an open
mind, how about you simpletons?
That's Singleton.
Our last name is
Singleton, not Simpleton.
Oh, that's what I meant.
And I didn't like
your poem one bit.
Well, I am sorry
about the language.
I was trying to find a word
that rhymes with witch, and
Karen wouldn't work.
Okay, well, don't use
me in any future poems.
I guarantee that after
tonight's new hayride, I will
never speak your name again.
You promise?
I really felt uncomfortable
having my name
mentioned like that.
Well, your comfort
is my main concern.
And how about you, Jubal?
Were you offended when I
called you a crooked cop?
Coming from you, I
consider it a compliment.
Ah, see, that's what
I'm talking about.
He's got an open mind.
This is a night of celebration
for friends, family and
distinguished guests.
Well, I mean, I
guess that's true.
I am something of a local
celebrity, what with my
commercial and all.
Y'all see my commercial?
If you don't have Richard
Singleton, you ain't got dick.
Well, come on, no one.
It's on the home
improvement channel.
Prime time.
I told you, not everybody
watches those shows.
House flipper shows,
billion dollar listings,
home makeover, house porn.
Everybody watches house porn.
They just don't admit it.
I've seen the commercial.
See? What did I tell you?
Well, you know, speaking of
commercial, that reminds me.
I must insist that there are no
pictures or videos, so please
hand me your phones.
I don't think so.
Nobody gives up their phone
if he does anything shady or
illegal, I want proof.
Are you speaking from personal
experience there, Jubal?
It's not negotiable.
No phones, no hayride.
All right, all right, all.
Right, all right.
Keep your phones.
But, please, I ask you
no photos or videos.
Oh, we.
Understand how important this
hayride is to you, so we'll
respect your wishes.
Right?
But remember the
terms of our deal.
If we find anything unsafe or
illegal, we are shutting you
down forever.
There is no way in hell
I would let that happen.
But I am a man of my word.
A deal is a deal.
So without further ado, Hazel,
can you please
pour the hot cider?
Well, time to mark
my territory.
Mhm. Mhm.
Fuck.
I piss on your grave.
Isn't that a song?
It's piss on your grave.
No, I.
Yeah, dude, I think it's
implied, but, I
mean, I don't know.
It's just definitely implied.
I implied piss on your grave.
I piss!
Oh, piss.
What? What?
What? What?
No, no.
What? What?
Hey! Stop!
Stop, stop!
Hey!
[Shouting]
[Shouting continues]
Hey,
Now that's what
I'm talking about.
For you, Karen.
Dimler.
Dimwit. Whatever.
Okay.
[Fireworks exploding]
Oh. That's my cue.
Let the festivities begin.
Ah! Look at you all.
Let's toast to the hayride
to hell.
May it steel the
hearts of my critics.
Oh, and keep your cups.
Hazel has refills and
treats for the ride.
Yep. Just ask and I'll heat
you up with my witch's brew.
Here we go.
Oh, good God.
Oh!
Oh! Hello.
It's almost three carats.
No.
I gotta get me one of these.
To hell you ride.
[Eerie music]
[Heavy breathing]
[Evil laugh]
Oh man.
This is the same as last year.
You've actually paid money
to go on this hayride before?
Yeah, sure.
It's a family tradition.
I hope the commissioners
give it a good review.
I hate for this to all go away.
You really don't have much
going on upstairs, do you?
What?
It's a haunted hayride, man.
This is This is nothing
not to like about this.
Ah. Take a balloon,
have a balloon
Red balloon.
Hazel.
Oh, um.
On your right is the infamous
skeleton house, built by Jane
Cox in the 1890s and burned
to the ground in the 1900s.
This haunted hut from hell was
a heinous hub for
atrocious activity.
Aces up his sleeve.
Cute.
Now listen up, you two.
No matter what tricks Farmer
Sam has up his sleeve, we are
not going to give
him a good review.
But what if he really did make
great changes and improvements?
No. I'm sick and tired of
fighting with that bastard over
zoning and noise and traffic
patterns and water violations
and taxes.
And I get it, I get it.
You hate him.
It's more than that, missy.
Whose side are you on?
I thought I was representing
the best interests of all the
residents of Willis County.
Nope. We represent the future.
Out with the old.
In with the new.
And I ask you, can anybody
really win if
everybody's cheating?
I've lost my head.
Has anybody seen it?
I've lost my head.
I have to find it.
Has anybody seen my head?
You're supposed to
say something back.
I'm not saying anything.
You say something.
He spoke to you.
Has anybody seen it?
Shit. Okay, well, that was lame.
This is all lame.
I don't know why I let you talk
me into this stupid hayride in
the first place.
Oh, no.
That girl talked you into it.
I'm just along for the ride.
We were supposed to be judges
in some sort of contest.
If I had known, we
would be sitting in this.
[Shouting]
That is not funny dick.
- It's pretty funny to me.
- Asshole.
Oh, come on, Karen,
it's all fake.
They take the blades
off the chainsaw.
We're perfectly safe.
You're just afraid.
[Screaming]
Jesus Christ!
Whoa, whoa.
That's not funny, dick.
Jesus.
I know, I know, I'm sorry,
baby, but you got to admit that
- they got you.
- Got me?
Got me? What the fuck Dick?
I do not have to put
up with this kind of.
[Balloon pops]
A fucking clown?
Are you fucking kidding me?
I want to talk to
the fucking manager.
That would be me.
Oh wait, oh wait.
This one's a this
one's a good one.
This one's a good one.
I promise.
Okay, here we go.
We all know the tale
of William Tell.
He disobeyed his king, who
then reigned down hell.
The king proposed a
test of his great aim.
Shoot an apple as
part of a game.
Oh, boy, it was swell.
But perhaps today's test will
be the boy's death knell.
Death knell?
Death? Sam, death knell?
Yeah. Jesus.
What did you get this from
the Maritime Thesaurus?
I have wagered
against my critics the
life of my own son.
That this crossbow will
hit it's mark.
Hey! Help!
Stop! Stop!
Stop!
Help!
Alright folks, your turn now.
Who among you is a marksman?
Huh? Jubal, what about you?
That seems to be
right up your alley.
Damn right it is.
Well, dummies fake, but the
crossbow is real
and sited perfectly.
How good is your aim?
It's goddamn perfect.
Well.
All right, well at the mark
of zero split the apple.
- Hey. Anyone help!
- You win a prize.
You ready?
Hey! Hey!
It's me, Chucky. Stop!
Three. Two.
Hey stop!
One. Zero!
Dad!
We have a winner!
The site was off.
Well.
That's all right.
You're a winner anyway.
Hazel, give the
man a candy apple.
Unless you've pocketed
the rest of them.
And now for a public
service announcement.
Please don't drink and drive,
but if you do, be sure to sign
up as an organ donor.
Don't take your organs to hell.
Heaven knows we need them here.
Thank you.
Good evening, ladies
and gentlemen.
I hope you've all been taking
good care of your vital organs.
Patty pop quiz.
Are you ready?
Kidneys.
See New York state
College and Boston.
Heart?
- Philadelphia.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hershey.
- Yep.
- Allentown.
- Check. Lungs.
Harrisburg.
Philadelphia and Pittsburgh.
Check and liver.
Baltimore. Washington, DC.
Ah.
And Scranton.
Yes! Perfection!
This looks really realistic.
Yeah. One time there was this
accident on route 202, and this
guy was cut in half
with a steering wheel.
These effects just like it.
Really realistic.
Hey. Hey, Patty.
Hey, Nick.
She digs me.
We're gonna carve
a pumpkin, later.
This is really starting
to creep me out.
What the hell is going on here?
Oh, Jesus.
It's supposed to be creepy.
I think it's just gross.
Chopping up
a body like that.
This is disgusting.
Well, then there's your
reason for shutting this down.
You have my vote.
That's more like it.
Ruby, where are you, girl?
There you are, good girl.
Hey, Dick.
Dick.
That name.
That's me.
Dick. Dick, Dickity,
Dick, Dick, Dick.
Actually, it's Richard, but
I never really liked that name.
So you think Dick is better?
Hey, at least my
last name isn't face.
Dick face.
That's a good one.
You always do make me laugh.
Ah. Get a room.
I think it's sweet.
I wish I had a soul mate or
a lover or even a fuck buddy.
Somebody say my name.
Uh. Shut up dimwit!
Why does everybody keep
calling me that?
It's Dermot.
My name is Dermot Nixler.
You have got to be the
stupidest motherfucker on the
face of the earth.
What about outer space?
Good point.
I stand corrected, you are the
stupidest motherfucker
in the universe.
Oh, look.
Fireflies.
Oh! The intestines.
Damnit, Ruby! No!
- Seriously?
- Sorry.
We we pound pond.
We now transport
you to a faraway
land of tropical terror.
Where the locals know to.
Fear the keeper of the pond.
Here our safety is
solely secured.
Through satisfying his sadistic.
Predilections. The unsuitably
sick son of a virgin
sacrifice to protect.
Virgin. Where are you gonna
find a virgin?
How are we gonna find a virgin?
I don't know a virgin.
I don't know any
virgin's. Vergina.
[Laughter]
Oh.
Look, there's something
in the water over there.
What is that?
What are you doing here?
Holy crap!
I said get off my pond!
I said get off,
my pond!
[Screaming]
You'd better run for it, dude.
Help!
You're so screwed now.
Oh my God!
Help!
Help! Help!
[Screaming]
That was awesome.
Yeah. No, that's what
I'm talking about.
Wow. Damn, Sam. I am impressed.
Pleasure's all mine.
I, I have eight fingers.
Time to kill.
[Howling]
I need a volunteer.
Hey, Hazel.
Over here.
Come over here.
I need your help.
Hazel, come.
Come help us out.
Come on, everybody, give.
Her some encouragement.
Ready, Hazel.
[Together]
Hazel. Hazel.
Hazel. Hazel.
Hazel. Hazel.
Hazel. Hazel.
Hazel. Hazel.
Hazel. Hazel.
Hazel. Yeah.
Good girl.
Just kick it with your foot.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Nice.
Yeah.
Good job, Hazel.
Thank you.
That's my Hazel.
[Howling]
Witch! Witch!
Witch.
Is there a which
amongst you travelers?
My wife is a witch
once a month.
Asshole.
I know it's hard to hear, baby,
but someone's got to tell you
the truth.
I say again, my fellow pilgrims.
Is there a witch in this wagon?
And now for our featured
performer, witch Hazel.
Um.
Here I am.
Yes. Perfect.
Come with me, you
rapacious witch.
A witch.
A witch!
My kingdom for a witch.
Oh my God! Fuck. Okay.
Easy on the goods.
Fix your eyes upon her.
But be not beguiled
by her beauty.
For beneath this exquisite
feminine form is a wretched,
decrepit witch.
And tonight we purge the
scenes of this greedy whore.
- What?
- Just play along.
Oh, yeah.
Um. I'm a naughty witch,
and I need to be punished.
You're doing great.
Okay. Yeah.
Um. I'm greedy and
I'm evil and I'm
exquisite, and, uh.
And I don't use dental floss.
Tie her to the stake.
Jesus. It's a little tight.
Got to sell it, baby.
It's not funny.
It's not fucking funny.
[Loud music]
You guys, please.
Ah!
Oh my God, what is that?
Gasoline, you greedy bitch!
What? What no!
Jubel! Jubel no!
What'd she say?
Beats me, the music's too loud.
This is what you
really want, isn't it?
You've been stealing
from this farm for years.
What's another $100, right?
No, please.
Okay. Um.
Hey, I'll give it to you.
I'll give it all back.
I'll give it all back.
Just how much did you steal?
A lot.
Oh, so a lot.
And if you help me, I'll make
it so worth your while.
Please.
Nah, the show must go on.
No!
[Screaming]
It looks so real.
How did he do that?
I gotta hand it to you, Sam.
You went all out this time?
Yeah, like I told you,
we will do whatever.
It takes to keep our farm.
[Eerie music]
[Evil laugh]
[Evil laugh]
Hello there, travelers!
Do you have any
body parts to spare?
I'm perfecting my masterpiece.
Well, if you don't need a
brain, deputy dimwit, your man.
Oh, yes.
A fantastic specimen.
Look at those muscles.
Why, you look like a Christmas
sausage bursting at the seams.
Deputy Dexler, I do believe
you're making me blush.
You're making me blush.
You know my name?
That's impressive.
That's because you're special.
Oh.
He's special, all right.
Uh, deputy, would you be a
peach and come on down and help
me with my electric chair?
Count me in.
Can I flip the switch?
Absolutely.
My hunk of burning flesh.
Hey, you guys should call me,
uh, Doctor Jekyll
and Deputy Hyde.
Ho ho ho ho ho!
Do we have any good boys and
girls with us this evening?
Hell no evil, pumpkin Claus.
All we have are naughty
little children.
You mean those
monsters over there?
[Laughter]
No, I mean those.
Sons of bitches that are trying
to steal my farm!
Ah!
Come on, get the cuffs.
Hey!
How do you like
that chicken pussy?
Doesn't feel too good, does it?
The fuck is going on?
Ho ho ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho ho!
God damn it, Sam, get me out of
this or I will throw
your ass in jail!
Seems to me like you're
the one in chains.
Strap him in.
What are you doing guys?
What are you doing?
Oh! Hey, guys hold on.
Come on. Alright guys.
It's not funny anymore.
What are they doing to him?
I don't know.
Are they going to
electrocute him?
I don't know.
Oh my God.
Are they going to
electrocute us?
I don't know, I don't
fucking know.
I'm not a goddamn encyclopedia.
You're welcome.
Ha! God damn it, Sam, I
swear I'm gonna kill you!
Ha ha ha!
You've been trying
that for years.
What makes you think
you'll be lucky this time?
Cause this time you're really
pissing me off!
Oh, sticks and stones, Jubal.
Oh, by the way, do you remember
back in high school when you
were certain that your
girlfriend was
fucking another guy?
Fuck you.
Wait a minute.
You already knew that.
Oh, shit.
I was planning this big
reveal and everything.
I am so gonna fucking kill you!
Well, you can try again.
I don't want to do this anymore.
Guys. Uncle, please help me.
It's okay Nix. It's okay.
Come on Sam! God damn it!
He's just a kid,
for Christ's sakes.
No!
[screaming]
Shit's getting real now.
Mhm.
Mhm.
We gotta get out of here.
He is not gonna get us.
Okay?
Listen up.
On the next turn,
we're gonna go
off the wagon.
On my go. Ready?
Ah!
Ah!
No. Truckee, no!
No! Truckee, no!
And you killed him
with your crossbow.
I'll fucking kill you!
You already said that.
Go go go go go go go!
[Gunshots]
Hey! They're getting away!
Whoa whoa whoa.
It's okay.
It's cool, it's cool.
All right, all right, all right.
[Heavy breathing]
Oh, shit.
No service.
What the fuck?
Come on.
[Orchestra music]
[Music continues]
[Screaming]
[Scream]
[Jingle bells]
[Screaming]
No, no, no, no, no.
No no no no no no no.
No. Stop don't, I dont.
No no no no no.
[Engine starting]
No no no no no no no no.
[Screaming]
Drill baby.
Drill. Yeah.
Enough of this bullshit!
I am done, Sam!
Not having fun anymore?
You sure seem to
have a lot of fun
when you were trying
to tase me to death.
That was an accident!
Oh, bullshit!
You've been conspiring with
these assholes for years trying
to steal my farm.
Take away everything
we hold dear.
You killed my son!
No, you killed your son!
You tricked me,
you son of a bitch!
Well, you're stupid!
[Screaming]
[Gunshot]
Get help!
[Screaming]
No, got a gun!
[Laughter]
It's gonna be a hot one
in the old town tonight.
Nice try, asshole.
Hey, Jubal.
Fire in the hole!
[Screaming]
[Laughter]
[Crying]
[Screaming]
Help me!
Help!
[Crying continues]
Help me!
Please help me!
Please, I beg you!
Damnit! Help me!
What the hell are
you doing out here?
Hold on.
This doesn't have anything
to do with that hayride
nonsense, does it?
Yes it's Sam!
He's gone crazy!
Goddamn hayride!
I've been telling him
to shut this down since
Moby Dick was a guppy!
But does he listen to me?
No, no, no!
He's evil.
You stay put, darling.
I'll fix this.
[Engine revving]
Goddamn trespassers
ruining all my corn!
[Screaming]
I don't deserve this.
[Laughter]
Nobody stops the harvest!
[Wincing]
[Crying]
Help!
Help me!
Please! Help!
Help!
[Screaming]
[Laughter]
[Laughter]
Hey, sorry about Jubal.
He burned us, so I burned him.
No worry.
We've got enough organs to pay
off the bank loan, fix the roof
on the barn, and a little
more for a rainy day.
Best harvest ever.
Real nice.
All right.
I have four hearts,
three kidneys.
All right.
I think we're ready to go.
Yeah.
Organic farming.
Woo!
Hey! Hey, wait!
Not that one!
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!
Uh oh!
No no no!
Let her down.
Nah, this one's a keeper.
Ooh! Yeah!
Oh, yeah, baby!
Okay, cover it up.
[Metal crunching]
Smells like victory.
[Laughter]
[Eerie music]
[Glass shattering]
[Eerie music]
[Laughter]
Yum yum.
I love it.
Better than roadkill
any day of the week.
Are there any witches on there?
We need a witch to burn.
Do you have any witches?
My sister's a witch.
No, she's a witch.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Come have some.
Me and my friend want
to share with you.
We made it on the farm.
It's corn whiskey.
Goes straight to your soul.
[Screaming]
[Shouting]
Happy hayride!
What?
That's not funny.
Oops. Missed.
Would any of you
like to be a target?
I'm just kidding.
It's not even loaded.
Not cool man.
You're missing one thing.
Eye of nute, and your leg!
I lost my head!
I lost my head!
Has anyone seen my head?
Don't be unreasonable, Sam.
We're only doing what's
in your best interest.
The bank has to treat
all the loans the same.
No matter how long your
family's been here.
Oh, you mean the
first the pioneers.
My great great grandfather,
Cornelius Cox, tilled the soil
with his bare hands when this
was nothing but wilderness.
Oh, come on, now,
you're being dramatic.
We're only asking you to sell
a little piece of land on the
backside of your farm.
You can pay off your bank
loan, and we can turn it into
something that the
whole community can use.
Oh, well, how would you like
it if I carved a few pounds off
your backside?
That lazy ass sits
in a chair all day.
I mean, what if I cut out
your your liver, your kidneys?
I mean, you wouldn't
miss him, right?
It's just a pound of flesh.
This farm has been in my family
for generations, and I will not
sell a single acre to
you or anyone else.
The bank will be forced to call
in the loan if you can't make
any more payments.
Well guess what?
This year the hayride is going
pretty good, so by the end of
the season, we should have more
than enough money to pay off
the damn bank loan.
So we're just wasting our time.
We're not done here.
Well, I am.
I have people outside here who
appreciate what I'm doing for
this community.
Close the door on your way out.
Oh, no. I know what it says.
Um, well, I got it now.
What?
I don't need one now.
I'm good at this.
All right, all right.
Hey.
Hey, everybody. Howdy.
Wait a minute.
I got another one.
What do you call a priest
who becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law.
Hey, I will cut out your
spleen with an ice cream scoop!
This is a little,
This is a little dangerous
up here.
What do you call
a single vampire?
- Sam.
- A bachelor.
Stupid fool.
Sam doesn't realize how
deep of a hole he's in.
Hole?
It's more like he
dug his own grave.
When he defaults on that loan,
we're going to get the whole
freaking farm.
He's his own worst enemy.
Well tell us, Sam, why can't
warlocks impale me?
Well, they have halloweeners
and crystal balls.
[Laughter]
Hey, we got a million of them.
We'll pay you to
stop telling them.
No, no, no, no.
Spend your money to
support the farm.
Go over and buy some pumpkins.
Candy apples.
My cousin's apple pie.
And in fact, today we have
a special on pirate corn.
Pirate corn? How much is
it selling for?
It's a buccaneer.
Hey!
Thank you. I'm here
til Tuesday.
Don't forget to tip the help.
Thank you so much.
[Jingle bells]
Hello.
It's me.
Pumpkin Klaus.
Hello.
Alright! Pumpkin Klaus!
How do we have any
good boys and girls?
Why they're all good.
Well then let's hand these out.
Alright.
Here we go.
Yes. There's one for you.
Here you go.
Here's a little.
One for you.
Thank you so much.
One for you.
No wonder he's broke.
Jesus.
He's just giving them away.
Like I said, he's
his own worst enemy.
Oh, Sam, this is so great.
We look forward to
this every year.
Yeah, Sam, it's not
Halloween until the hayride.
Well, I appreciate
you being here.
And don't forget to get an
apple pie before they sell out.
All by two.
You hear that, Hazel?
Two apple pies for
this lovely lady.
Here you go.
Thank you.
You know, supporting local
business is how farmers
like me survive.
So thank you for that.
Of course.
I come to your vegetable
stand year round.
I think that farm fresh tastes
way better than supermarket.
All right, well.
I do appreciate that.
And here's your change.
You know.
Hazel, why don't you give these
fine folks whatever they want
to drink on the house?
Oh, Sam, you really
don't have to do that.
We can pay.
No, no, no, you guys have
bought those two apple pies.
That's great.
So anyway, I got to go.
Thanks again.
So what'll it be?
I'm sure going to miss this.
Miss what?
Sugartown scared
the whole thing.
I've been coming here
since I was a kid.
What? Nothing's going anywhere.
I heard a rumor that the
county's shutting it all down.
No more hayride, no more
Pumpkin Claus.
Bullshit!
Look, Farmer Sam
is my uncle, okay?
I'd certainly know if anything
like that was going to happen.
Sorry, I didn't
mean to upset you.
I mean, our family needs this
hayride to keep the farm afloat.
It's a little tough to be
paying bills when tomatoes are
only two bucks a pound.
That's a lot of
freaking tomatoes.
That's for damn sure.
And fertilizer is 685 a ton.
Oh, here, have some cider.
Oh. Thank you.
Are you having a
good time tonight?
- Yeah, of course.
- Absolutely.
Did you catch me and
Lester, by the way?
You bet.
Yeah, yeah.
Buccaneer.
Uh oh.
Here comes trouble.
Well, if it isn't Sheriff
Jubal and Deputy Dimwit.
So have you guys caught the
shithead kids who broke into my
barn, or are you just going
to let your son vandalize my
entire property before you
make him your new deputy?
Well, you're replacing me.
No. Good ol Sam here fancies
himself a comedian just because
his family was first
to settle in this area.
He thinks he owns a
whole goddamn place.
But a little birdie told me
that pretty soon you might not
own shit. Bank problems.
You ever heard of
a sheriff sale?
I have, and boy, are they fun.
You know, now is
not the time, Jubal.
The commissioner has forced me
to hire you and your deputy for
traffic control at overtime
wages, I might add.
So why don't you two go control
some traffic and leave me and
the real public
servants at peace.
Oh, and have yourself
a nice hot cider.
Of course, you're going to
have to pay for it yourself.
Your cider tastes like ass.
Well, you should know.
Traffic control.
Traffic control.
Hey, what's this I hear about
the county trying
to shut you down?
Nothing they haven't
tried before.
I heard there's a new developer
in the county scooping up land
everywhere so he can
build even more houses.
Over my dead body.
Yeah.
God, it's like
the perfect storm.
Could it get any worse?
Relax, Uncle Sam, I got this.
Here, take this.
Okay.
Dick and Karen!
Welcome!
Hello farmer Sam. Seems like
you're having a great night.
Quite the rowdy crowd.
Oh, yes.
And well within county
guidelines, Karen.
And if you have any complaints,
like take them up with
the next committee meeting.
Don't think I won't
exercise my right.
I gotta take this.
Hello? What?
Timmy's stuck in the well.
I'll be right there.
I gotta go, got to go.
You're a real lifesaver, Patty.
I'm a paramedic, after all.
Is Karen still out there
foaming at the mouth?
Yeah, she's still
circling like a shark.
You got to go find a
Timmy to toss in a well.
That was a good one.
Gotcha.
There you are.
Those kids are in the
family cemetery again.
See?
Oh, shit.
Well, go tell the sheriff to do
some policing for a change and
meet us over at the family plot.
[Stone smashing]
- Oh, yeah.
- That's a wing.
Base hit.
- Alright Tyler.
- Ready?
Yeah, yeah. We're ready.
Bases loaded.
Clean up.
[Stone smashing]
[Shouting and laughing]
Home run.
- Drink up.
- Cheers.
- Rush.
- Rush!
Oh, shit!
Farmer, Baba!
Let's go.
Let's go.
This is family property,
you assholes!
Shit I dropped a beer, man.
[Gunshot]
Oh!
You shot me!
Yeah, it was rock
salt, you dumb ass!
Next time you come back here.
It's going to be some
deer slugs!
[Police siren]
Get him.
[Gunshot]
Jesus, Sam's gone crazy.
Yeah. No shit.
Just lay low while
I talk him down.
Now it's about goddamn time.
[Shouting]
Well,
that's one way of talking
him down.
[Dogs barking]
Fuck!
Dumbass.
[Shouting]
[Laughter]
Look at that.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
[Dog yelps]
Yeah! What!
Ah!
Ah!
Turn it off!
It is off!
He's seizing on his own.
Shit!
Get rid of the wire.
Is he dying?
Shut up and put the wires
in the car.
Ah ah ah ah ah
ah ah ah.
Patty, Chris, we got a medical
emergency out here.
Chris, what is it?
It's Sam. He collapsed.
You better come quick.
Keep your mouth shut.
Maybe I can save your ass.
Jesus. What happened?
Like he had a seizure.
Is he diabetic or something?
No he isn't.
Hey, old Sam's firing his
shotgun in the woods like a
madman and suddenly just
dropped like he had a
stroke or something.
It's okay, it's okay.
[Siren wailing]
We got him stabilized with
a shot of Ativan, but his
heartbeat's irregular.
It's like he had a stroke or something.
Uh, he's firing the shotgun in
the woods like a crazed lunatic
and suddenly just dropped to
the ground and started shaking.
Right?
Yeah, He pointed the shotgun at me.
He fell down, shaking and.
Ah! Good girl.
Good girl.
Where's rebel girl?
Where'd your sister run off to?
I'll find her.
She's probably out chasing
rabbits again, man.
I know, man.
I could see the worry on your
face, but your uncle is a tough
old bastard, man.
He'll be all right
before you know it.
Hey, Patty, we've got an ODS.
You want to take
it or stay here?
Uh, no, you go ahead.
We need the money.
I'll have budge drive
me to the hospital.
Copy that, later Budge.
Doesn't he need your help?
No, it's an ODS.
He can do it solo.
Oh, organ delivery service.
Sometimes we run organs
from hospital to hospital.
It's good.
Money saves lives, too, right?
Oh, yeah.
That too.
Sorry. Sometimes I get
a little numb to it all.
Well, all I wanted to say, man,
is that I'm so glad that you
are there for Sam.
Because I don't think the
sheriff would have known what
to do otherwise.
I don't even want
to think about it.
Yeah.
[Laughter]
[Laughter]
Hello, Sam.
Look's like you had a
rough night.
What am I doing here?
You had a seizure and the
paramedics gave you a shot of.
Hey.
No relax.
Stop that.
Please, please.
You were going to hurt yourself.
- I gotta get back to the farm.
- I need some help in here.
I gotta get back to the farm.
Please sit down and relax.
No you're
going to be better.
I gotta get back to the farm.
Okay. Please relax sir.
Hey, Sam.
Wow. You gave us all quite
a scare last night.
You know, passing out and all.
Passing out?
You son of a bitch.
I ought to piss on your foot.
Hey, watch your mouth!
You don't calm down.
Me and my deputy are going
to chain you to your bed.
Now, you don't
want that, do you?
Jesus, Sam, what are
you doing out of bed?
These assholes are
trying to finish me off.
Oh, nurse, will you please
sedate this idiot before I
throw him in the drink?
I need you to calm
down, Uncle Sam.
Okay? You're still
under medication.
It's okay, Sam.
I got your back.
No one is going to
finish anything.
Shut up, Jamaica boy.
He's not from Jamaica, dimwit.
Okay, that's.
Enough. Now get to your bed or
I'm gonna sedate you myself.
Well, they started it.
- Now let's go!
- Ow!
All right, calm down.
It's okay, it's okay.
What are you doing here, anyway?
This is a local matter.
Why don't you go
back to Jamaica?
Jamaica? I'm not
from Jamaica, man.
I'm from Belize.
Where the fuck is that?
It's on the Yucatan Peninsula
of Central America, bro.
Well, I don't give a shit.
Belize. You know what I Belize.
I believe this is America.
You can take your skinny black
ass and go back to Jamaica.
When I'm Garifuna, we
don't back down, yo.
All right.
Okay, I understand
you're both tough guys.
This ain't the place for it.
You're right.
This ain't the place.
So you best give Sam his peace
and quiet, if you
know what I mean.
Yeah.
Quiet. I like that
everybody stays quiet.
Nobody has any problems.
Yeah. No problems here.
No problems here.
Wait.
We don't have a problem.
No, we don't have problems.
Garifuna here doesn't need to
be reminded that his boss fired
a shotgun at a
bunch of teenagers.
Now,
if things get loud, I'm going
to have to file those charges,
aren't I?
Like I said, man,
peace and quiet.
Okay.
Whatever.
That's all right.
That's good.
That's good.
Yeah. My family came here
when this was nothing.
We built all this town
grew up around us.
Sam.
Look.
Oh, Jesus.
[Orchestra music]
[Music continues]
You like that?
There's the whole case of them.
Plus trash, two tampons
and a lawn chair.
A goddamn lawn chair.
You and your hayride.
Those jackasses think that your
Halloween fiasco is an open
invitation to party in the
cornfields and throw the crap
all over the place.
Come on, Wilbur.
That combine of yours weighs
about three four tons.
And I don't think a little junk
is going to break that monster.
That's not the point.
The fact is, I have to stop
and get out of the cab.
And you know how much I
hate to get out of the cab.
Oh, God.
You're right, you're right.
Look. I'm sorry, okay?
I will tell my guys to make sure
they keep the guests out of
the fields, all right?
Or, or.
You could just shut down
the hayride altogether.
It's a goddamned nuisance.
Yeah. Great.
More goddamn fart catchers.
Ah, Betsy.
I am touched.
I assume you came all the way
out here to check up on me.
Seeing as I almost
died last night.
You didn't nearly die.
You just had a mild
seizure, from what I'm told.
And don't think I don't know
about you threatening
those boys.
Oh, you mean the vandals who
defaced my family plot and the
little shit who killed my dog?
Your dog?
Well, I don't know anything
about that, Missy, Gina.
It has been deemed by the
county that the public
attraction called Sugartown
scare is a nuisance and threat
to public safety by writ
of the Sheriff's office.
Wait a minute. Wait.
Public safety?
I'm the one who was in
the hospital last night.
And a nuisance?
A nuisance to whom?
To these leeches who live
off false insurance claims.
I could sue you for libel.
It's not libel if it's true.
Belize law school.
I have a right as a citizen
of this county to a safe and
peaceful home.
And the element that hayride
brings to the area
makes me uncomfortable.
Well, you're entitled.
Bullshit.
Makes me uncomfortable.
And this is my land.
I can do with it what I want.
Actually, you're still within
the boundaries of Willis
County, so this farm and
everything that happens on it
is under our jurisdiction.
You're shut down.
I believe that the state law
allows for a 30-day remedy
regarding any
private business.
Law school again?
Judge Judy.
Well, there you have it.
30 days in 30 days,
Halloween will be over.
And so who cares?
Well, then we'll just close the
road, and then no one can get
to your farm.
This farm is 275 acres adjacent
to four roads, one of which is
a major artery into town.
Are you going to
shut that down, too?
Don't tempt me.
All right, all right.
Okay, here's what I say.
You give me three days to
make the greatest, most non
nuisance, haunted attraction
in the history of mankind.
And if you are not 100%
satisfied with it, I will sell
not only the parcel you want.
I will sell the
whole goddamn farm.
And I will leave this
miserable county forever.
However, if you agree that this
is the scariest ride you've
ever been on, then no more
complaints, citations, county
writs, or other bullshit.
So let me get this straight.
You're willing to gamble the
future of your entire family
farm on whether or
not you can scare me.
You and your fellow
commissioners.
And I'd like to invite Dick and
Karen because their opinions
matter too.
You have a deal.
See you in three days.
That's it.
That's it.
Now get the fuck off my land.
I don't want that.
Three days.
See you later.
Are you sure about this, my brother?
Yeah.
Time to get to work.
[Dramatic music]
[Music continues]
[Evil laugh]
Thank you, Cousin Needles.
[Music continues]
[Screaming]
[Music continues]
So this is where the 450
units are going to go.
Approximately.
Ladies.
See you soon.
Cute, Sam.
Hey, Nick's been looking
all over for you.
Hey, Patty.
What's up?
What are you doing in here?
Uh, yeah, I'm just
cleaning my gun.
They won't let me do
it inside anymore.
Ever since that.
Uh, so what's up?
Well, I've got two invitations.
One for you and one
for the sheriff.
I'm really looking forward
to seeing you there tonight.
Yeah, I wouldn't
miss it for anything.
Great. See ya.
Hey, Patty.
Uh, you know, I was thinking
maybe after the hayride, if
you're not doing anything, uh,
maybe we could go bobbing for
pumpkins or carve an apple
or something like that.
Mmm.
After the hayride?
Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah.
Uh, maybe we make
it a candy apple.
Let's just see if you can
deliver that invitation to your
boss first, huh?
I'll give it to Jubal right now.
Great. Don't be late.
I'll see you tonight.
Hey Uncle Sheriff,
I hold in my hand.
Turn a crash into cash.
Dick got me big money from
my car accident.
Money, money, money.
Dick got me a giant settlement
for my slip and fall.
Screw you, insurance companies.
Hi, I'm Richard Singleton,
but my friends call me Dick.
If you slip and fall, give
me a call and ask for Dick.
If you don't have Richard
Singleton on your side,
you ain't got dick.
Dick Singleton, super lawyer.
Isn't that great?
Tell me that's not great.
Tell me that's not the best
thing you've ever seen.
It's great, Dick.
Yeah, it is great.
You're gonna get a lot of
calls for that one, I'm sure.
Well go answer the
fucking door.
Anytime today would be nice.
This is private property.
You can't be here.
No worries, Mrs. Singleton.
Just delivering an invitation
for you both to the new hayride.
You're on the judging
committee, aren't you?
I don't all of
that was for real.
Yeah, it sure is.
The supervisors will want to
take your opinion into account.
I mean, you have
an opinion, right?
I sure do.
She sure does.
Great. See you at the hayride.
Morning, darling.
Yeah. Carnauba wax
looks real nice.
Let's get you a
little shine here.
There you go.
Oh, baby.
What is it?
And, honey, I miss you.
And I'm being good.
I long to be with you.
If only I could.
Not until we saved
the farm, sweetheart.
That's right.
Yeah. Jubal.
Yeah, I know he's an idiot.
I can always fool him.
I mean, after all, I'm a
farmer and he's just a cop.
Ah, yeah, but.
Oh, God.
The commissioners.
But they're storm
clouds are coming.
Oh, I got some
plans, sweetheart.
Oh, I got some plans.
I know, I know,
it's not Christian.
I know, but it is, right?
All right, sweetie,
what do you think?
Do you approve?
I knew you would.
See you later.
Well, if Sam wants to impress
us, he's off to a bad start.
You weren't seriously
going to honor the bet.
Sure we are.
We honorably vote that this new
ride is unsafe and
not entertaining.
Oh, that reminds me.
Can you please
feed Fiona tonight?
She needs half a can.
Yes, you can give
her some cat treats.
Um.
Everything all
right there, boss?
Yeah.
Everything's just
fucking peachy.
What do you say we take a look
and see what kind of a dog and
pony show Sam has for us?
Shall we?
I think it's gonna
be pretty cool.
I mean, they really
went all out.
Just give him a chance.
Dumb ass.
Welcome, welcome, welcome!
Distinguished guests.
Neighbors, Keystone
cops, welcome to the new
and improved hayride to hell.
[Laughter]
It was a harvest moon on the
haunted hayride.
Some will have lived and
some will have died.
The real mystery is,
who will it be?
A crooked cop or
commissioners three.
A greedy witch, a dick
or the annoying bitch?
who knows who ends up
buried in the ditch?
I warn you now, writer, beware.
This haunt will have
plenty of scare.
So as I fight to survive with
this elaborate cell, I dare you
to take the hayride to hell.
[Laughter]
Welcome!
[Laughter]
This is gonna be good.
My dad says he and his deputy
have been invited to judge
the safety standards to
Farmer Sam's hayride.
I thought you said the farmer
and the sheriff hate each other.
They do.
All right.
Hello, ladies.
I'm so glad you could
make it out tonight.
Thank you for the invitation.
You realize that this doesn't
mean that we will support
keeping this going.
Oh, no, I totally understand.
All I'm asking is you
keep an open mind.
Fair enough.
Because I have a feeling that
by the end of tonight, you'll
understand just how important
this is to our family.
Well, we will try and
keep an open mind.
Well, I appreciate that.
And speaking of keeping an open
mind, how about you simpletons?
That's Singleton.
Our last name is
Singleton, not Simpleton.
Oh, that's what I meant.
And I didn't like
your poem one bit.
Well, I am sorry
about the language.
I was trying to find a word
that rhymes with witch, and
Karen wouldn't work.
Okay, well, don't use
me in any future poems.
I guarantee that after
tonight's new hayride, I will
never speak your name again.
You promise?
I really felt uncomfortable
having my name
mentioned like that.
Well, your comfort
is my main concern.
And how about you, Jubal?
Were you offended when I
called you a crooked cop?
Coming from you, I
consider it a compliment.
Ah, see, that's what
I'm talking about.
He's got an open mind.
This is a night of celebration
for friends, family and
distinguished guests.
Well, I mean, I
guess that's true.
I am something of a local
celebrity, what with my
commercial and all.
Y'all see my commercial?
If you don't have Richard
Singleton, you ain't got dick.
Well, come on, no one.
It's on the home
improvement channel.
Prime time.
I told you, not everybody
watches those shows.
House flipper shows,
billion dollar listings,
home makeover, house porn.
Everybody watches house porn.
They just don't admit it.
I've seen the commercial.
See? What did I tell you?
Well, you know, speaking of
commercial, that reminds me.
I must insist that there are no
pictures or videos, so please
hand me your phones.
I don't think so.
Nobody gives up their phone
if he does anything shady or
illegal, I want proof.
Are you speaking from personal
experience there, Jubal?
It's not negotiable.
No phones, no hayride.
All right, all right, all.
Right, all right.
Keep your phones.
But, please, I ask you
no photos or videos.
Oh, we.
Understand how important this
hayride is to you, so we'll
respect your wishes.
Right?
But remember the
terms of our deal.
If we find anything unsafe or
illegal, we are shutting you
down forever.
There is no way in hell
I would let that happen.
But I am a man of my word.
A deal is a deal.
So without further ado, Hazel,
can you please
pour the hot cider?
Well, time to mark
my territory.
Mhm. Mhm.
Fuck.
I piss on your grave.
Isn't that a song?
It's piss on your grave.
No, I.
Yeah, dude, I think it's
implied, but, I
mean, I don't know.
It's just definitely implied.
I implied piss on your grave.
I piss!
Oh, piss.
What? What?
What? What?
No, no.
What? What?
Hey! Stop!
Stop, stop!
Hey!
[Shouting]
[Shouting continues]
Hey,
Now that's what
I'm talking about.
For you, Karen.
Dimler.
Dimwit. Whatever.
Okay.
[Fireworks exploding]
Oh. That's my cue.
Let the festivities begin.
Ah! Look at you all.
Let's toast to the hayride
to hell.
May it steel the
hearts of my critics.
Oh, and keep your cups.
Hazel has refills and
treats for the ride.
Yep. Just ask and I'll heat
you up with my witch's brew.
Here we go.
Oh, good God.
Oh!
Oh! Hello.
It's almost three carats.
No.
I gotta get me one of these.
To hell you ride.
[Eerie music]
[Heavy breathing]
[Evil laugh]
Oh man.
This is the same as last year.
You've actually paid money
to go on this hayride before?
Yeah, sure.
It's a family tradition.
I hope the commissioners
give it a good review.
I hate for this to all go away.
You really don't have much
going on upstairs, do you?
What?
It's a haunted hayride, man.
This is This is nothing
not to like about this.
Ah. Take a balloon,
have a balloon
Red balloon.
Hazel.
Oh, um.
On your right is the infamous
skeleton house, built by Jane
Cox in the 1890s and burned
to the ground in the 1900s.
This haunted hut from hell was
a heinous hub for
atrocious activity.
Aces up his sleeve.
Cute.
Now listen up, you two.
No matter what tricks Farmer
Sam has up his sleeve, we are
not going to give
him a good review.
But what if he really did make
great changes and improvements?
No. I'm sick and tired of
fighting with that bastard over
zoning and noise and traffic
patterns and water violations
and taxes.
And I get it, I get it.
You hate him.
It's more than that, missy.
Whose side are you on?
I thought I was representing
the best interests of all the
residents of Willis County.
Nope. We represent the future.
Out with the old.
In with the new.
And I ask you, can anybody
really win if
everybody's cheating?
I've lost my head.
Has anybody seen it?
I've lost my head.
I have to find it.
Has anybody seen my head?
You're supposed to
say something back.
I'm not saying anything.
You say something.
He spoke to you.
Has anybody seen it?
Shit. Okay, well, that was lame.
This is all lame.
I don't know why I let you talk
me into this stupid hayride in
the first place.
Oh, no.
That girl talked you into it.
I'm just along for the ride.
We were supposed to be judges
in some sort of contest.
If I had known, we
would be sitting in this.
[Shouting]
That is not funny dick.
- It's pretty funny to me.
- Asshole.
Oh, come on, Karen,
it's all fake.
They take the blades
off the chainsaw.
We're perfectly safe.
You're just afraid.
[Screaming]
Jesus Christ!
Whoa, whoa.
That's not funny, dick.
Jesus.
I know, I know, I'm sorry,
baby, but you got to admit that
- they got you.
- Got me?
Got me? What the fuck Dick?
I do not have to put
up with this kind of.
[Balloon pops]
A fucking clown?
Are you fucking kidding me?
I want to talk to
the fucking manager.
That would be me.
Oh wait, oh wait.
This one's a this
one's a good one.
This one's a good one.
I promise.
Okay, here we go.
We all know the tale
of William Tell.
He disobeyed his king, who
then reigned down hell.
The king proposed a
test of his great aim.
Shoot an apple as
part of a game.
Oh, boy, it was swell.
But perhaps today's test will
be the boy's death knell.
Death knell?
Death? Sam, death knell?
Yeah. Jesus.
What did you get this from
the Maritime Thesaurus?
I have wagered
against my critics the
life of my own son.
That this crossbow will
hit it's mark.
Hey! Help!
Stop! Stop!
Stop!
Help!
Alright folks, your turn now.
Who among you is a marksman?
Huh? Jubal, what about you?
That seems to be
right up your alley.
Damn right it is.
Well, dummies fake, but the
crossbow is real
and sited perfectly.
How good is your aim?
It's goddamn perfect.
Well.
All right, well at the mark
of zero split the apple.
- Hey. Anyone help!
- You win a prize.
You ready?
Hey! Hey!
It's me, Chucky. Stop!
Three. Two.
Hey stop!
One. Zero!
Dad!
We have a winner!
The site was off.
Well.
That's all right.
You're a winner anyway.
Hazel, give the
man a candy apple.
Unless you've pocketed
the rest of them.
And now for a public
service announcement.
Please don't drink and drive,
but if you do, be sure to sign
up as an organ donor.
Don't take your organs to hell.
Heaven knows we need them here.
Thank you.
Good evening, ladies
and gentlemen.
I hope you've all been taking
good care of your vital organs.
Patty pop quiz.
Are you ready?
Kidneys.
See New York state
College and Boston.
Heart?
- Philadelphia.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hershey.
- Yep.
- Allentown.
- Check. Lungs.
Harrisburg.
Philadelphia and Pittsburgh.
Check and liver.
Baltimore. Washington, DC.
Ah.
And Scranton.
Yes! Perfection!
This looks really realistic.
Yeah. One time there was this
accident on route 202, and this
guy was cut in half
with a steering wheel.
These effects just like it.
Really realistic.
Hey. Hey, Patty.
Hey, Nick.
She digs me.
We're gonna carve
a pumpkin, later.
This is really starting
to creep me out.
What the hell is going on here?
Oh, Jesus.
It's supposed to be creepy.
I think it's just gross.
Chopping up
a body like that.
This is disgusting.
Well, then there's your
reason for shutting this down.
You have my vote.
That's more like it.
Ruby, where are you, girl?
There you are, good girl.
Hey, Dick.
Dick.
That name.
That's me.
Dick. Dick, Dickity,
Dick, Dick, Dick.
Actually, it's Richard, but
I never really liked that name.
So you think Dick is better?
Hey, at least my
last name isn't face.
Dick face.
That's a good one.
You always do make me laugh.
Ah. Get a room.
I think it's sweet.
I wish I had a soul mate or
a lover or even a fuck buddy.
Somebody say my name.
Uh. Shut up dimwit!
Why does everybody keep
calling me that?
It's Dermot.
My name is Dermot Nixler.
You have got to be the
stupidest motherfucker on the
face of the earth.
What about outer space?
Good point.
I stand corrected, you are the
stupidest motherfucker
in the universe.
Oh, look.
Fireflies.
Oh! The intestines.
Damnit, Ruby! No!
- Seriously?
- Sorry.
We we pound pond.
We now transport
you to a faraway
land of tropical terror.
Where the locals know to.
Fear the keeper of the pond.
Here our safety is
solely secured.
Through satisfying his sadistic.
Predilections. The unsuitably
sick son of a virgin
sacrifice to protect.
Virgin. Where are you gonna
find a virgin?
How are we gonna find a virgin?
I don't know a virgin.
I don't know any
virgin's. Vergina.
[Laughter]
Oh.
Look, there's something
in the water over there.
What is that?
What are you doing here?
Holy crap!
I said get off my pond!
I said get off,
my pond!
[Screaming]
You'd better run for it, dude.
Help!
You're so screwed now.
Oh my God!
Help!
Help! Help!
[Screaming]
That was awesome.
Yeah. No, that's what
I'm talking about.
Wow. Damn, Sam. I am impressed.
Pleasure's all mine.
I, I have eight fingers.
Time to kill.
[Howling]
I need a volunteer.
Hey, Hazel.
Over here.
Come over here.
I need your help.
Hazel, come.
Come help us out.
Come on, everybody, give.
Her some encouragement.
Ready, Hazel.
[Together]
Hazel. Hazel.
Hazel. Hazel.
Hazel. Hazel.
Hazel. Hazel.
Hazel. Hazel.
Hazel. Hazel.
Hazel. Yeah.
Good girl.
Just kick it with your foot.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Nice.
Yeah.
Good job, Hazel.
Thank you.
That's my Hazel.
[Howling]
Witch! Witch!
Witch.
Is there a which
amongst you travelers?
My wife is a witch
once a month.
Asshole.
I know it's hard to hear, baby,
but someone's got to tell you
the truth.
I say again, my fellow pilgrims.
Is there a witch in this wagon?
And now for our featured
performer, witch Hazel.
Um.
Here I am.
Yes. Perfect.
Come with me, you
rapacious witch.
A witch.
A witch!
My kingdom for a witch.
Oh my God! Fuck. Okay.
Easy on the goods.
Fix your eyes upon her.
But be not beguiled
by her beauty.
For beneath this exquisite
feminine form is a wretched,
decrepit witch.
And tonight we purge the
scenes of this greedy whore.
- What?
- Just play along.
Oh, yeah.
Um. I'm a naughty witch,
and I need to be punished.
You're doing great.
Okay. Yeah.
Um. I'm greedy and
I'm evil and I'm
exquisite, and, uh.
And I don't use dental floss.
Tie her to the stake.
Jesus. It's a little tight.
Got to sell it, baby.
It's not funny.
It's not fucking funny.
[Loud music]
You guys, please.
Ah!
Oh my God, what is that?
Gasoline, you greedy bitch!
What? What no!
Jubel! Jubel no!
What'd she say?
Beats me, the music's too loud.
This is what you
really want, isn't it?
You've been stealing
from this farm for years.
What's another $100, right?
No, please.
Okay. Um.
Hey, I'll give it to you.
I'll give it all back.
I'll give it all back.
Just how much did you steal?
A lot.
Oh, so a lot.
And if you help me, I'll make
it so worth your while.
Please.
Nah, the show must go on.
No!
[Screaming]
It looks so real.
How did he do that?
I gotta hand it to you, Sam.
You went all out this time?
Yeah, like I told you,
we will do whatever.
It takes to keep our farm.
[Eerie music]
[Evil laugh]
[Evil laugh]
Hello there, travelers!
Do you have any
body parts to spare?
I'm perfecting my masterpiece.
Well, if you don't need a
brain, deputy dimwit, your man.
Oh, yes.
A fantastic specimen.
Look at those muscles.
Why, you look like a Christmas
sausage bursting at the seams.
Deputy Dexler, I do believe
you're making me blush.
You're making me blush.
You know my name?
That's impressive.
That's because you're special.
Oh.
He's special, all right.
Uh, deputy, would you be a
peach and come on down and help
me with my electric chair?
Count me in.
Can I flip the switch?
Absolutely.
My hunk of burning flesh.
Hey, you guys should call me,
uh, Doctor Jekyll
and Deputy Hyde.
Ho ho ho ho ho!
Do we have any good boys and
girls with us this evening?
Hell no evil, pumpkin Claus.
All we have are naughty
little children.
You mean those
monsters over there?
[Laughter]
No, I mean those.
Sons of bitches that are trying
to steal my farm!
Ah!
Come on, get the cuffs.
Hey!
How do you like
that chicken pussy?
Doesn't feel too good, does it?
The fuck is going on?
Ho ho ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho ho!
God damn it, Sam, get me out of
this or I will throw
your ass in jail!
Seems to me like you're
the one in chains.
Strap him in.
What are you doing guys?
What are you doing?
Oh! Hey, guys hold on.
Come on. Alright guys.
It's not funny anymore.
What are they doing to him?
I don't know.
Are they going to
electrocute him?
I don't know.
Oh my God.
Are they going to
electrocute us?
I don't know, I don't
fucking know.
I'm not a goddamn encyclopedia.
You're welcome.
Ha! God damn it, Sam, I
swear I'm gonna kill you!
Ha ha ha!
You've been trying
that for years.
What makes you think
you'll be lucky this time?
Cause this time you're really
pissing me off!
Oh, sticks and stones, Jubal.
Oh, by the way, do you remember
back in high school when you
were certain that your
girlfriend was
fucking another guy?
Fuck you.
Wait a minute.
You already knew that.
Oh, shit.
I was planning this big
reveal and everything.
I am so gonna fucking kill you!
Well, you can try again.
I don't want to do this anymore.
Guys. Uncle, please help me.
It's okay Nix. It's okay.
Come on Sam! God damn it!
He's just a kid,
for Christ's sakes.
No!
[screaming]
Shit's getting real now.
Mhm.
Mhm.
We gotta get out of here.
He is not gonna get us.
Okay?
Listen up.
On the next turn,
we're gonna go
off the wagon.
On my go. Ready?
Ah!
Ah!
No. Truckee, no!
No! Truckee, no!
And you killed him
with your crossbow.
I'll fucking kill you!
You already said that.
Go go go go go go go!
[Gunshots]
Hey! They're getting away!
Whoa whoa whoa.
It's okay.
It's cool, it's cool.
All right, all right, all right.
[Heavy breathing]
Oh, shit.
No service.
What the fuck?
Come on.
[Orchestra music]
[Music continues]
[Screaming]
[Scream]
[Jingle bells]
[Screaming]
No, no, no, no, no.
No no no no no no no.
No. Stop don't, I dont.
No no no no no.
[Engine starting]
No no no no no no no no.
[Screaming]
Drill baby.
Drill. Yeah.
Enough of this bullshit!
I am done, Sam!
Not having fun anymore?
You sure seem to
have a lot of fun
when you were trying
to tase me to death.
That was an accident!
Oh, bullshit!
You've been conspiring with
these assholes for years trying
to steal my farm.
Take away everything
we hold dear.
You killed my son!
No, you killed your son!
You tricked me,
you son of a bitch!
Well, you're stupid!
[Screaming]
[Gunshot]
Get help!
[Screaming]
No, got a gun!
[Laughter]
It's gonna be a hot one
in the old town tonight.
Nice try, asshole.
Hey, Jubal.
Fire in the hole!
[Screaming]
[Laughter]
[Crying]
[Screaming]
Help me!
Help!
[Crying continues]
Help me!
Please help me!
Please, I beg you!
Damnit! Help me!
What the hell are
you doing out here?
Hold on.
This doesn't have anything
to do with that hayride
nonsense, does it?
Yes it's Sam!
He's gone crazy!
Goddamn hayride!
I've been telling him
to shut this down since
Moby Dick was a guppy!
But does he listen to me?
No, no, no!
He's evil.
You stay put, darling.
I'll fix this.
[Engine revving]
Goddamn trespassers
ruining all my corn!
[Screaming]
I don't deserve this.
[Laughter]
Nobody stops the harvest!
[Wincing]
[Crying]
Help!
Help me!
Please! Help!
Help!
[Screaming]
[Laughter]
[Laughter]
Hey, sorry about Jubal.
He burned us, so I burned him.
No worry.
We've got enough organs to pay
off the bank loan, fix the roof
on the barn, and a little
more for a rainy day.
Best harvest ever.
Real nice.
All right.
I have four hearts,
three kidneys.
All right.
I think we're ready to go.
Yeah.
Organic farming.
Woo!
Hey! Hey, wait!
Not that one!
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!
Uh oh!
No no no!
Let her down.
Nah, this one's a keeper.
Ooh! Yeah!
Oh, yeah, baby!
Okay, cover it up.
[Metal crunching]
Smells like victory.
[Laughter]
[Eerie music]