Heart Eyes (2025) Movie Script
1
[MUSIC]
[BLANKAUDIO]
Every time our eyes
mate, this feeling inside me,
[MUSIC]
Patrick.
Adeline.
This is going to be the
best Valentine's Day ever.
This place is just so gorge.
Of course it is, babe.
I picked it.
[LAUGH]
[MUSIC]
What the hell?
[MUSIC]
I told you not to put it in my food.
Oh shit, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Keep going.
[MUSIC]
Adeline Delilah Garrett, you're smart.
You're beautiful and perhaps most
important of all, you make me think.
You're my person and I can't
imagine my life without you.
Will you marry me?
Yes, a million times, yes.
[MUSIC]
Why are you calling me right now?
I didn't get it.
What the fuck do you
mean you didn't get it?
Yeah, I'm sorry, dude.
There was a couple sun flares and like,
could you maybe do it again or?
Why yes, let me repropose to my fucking
girlfriend so you can do your job right.
Technically she's your fiance.
Don't get cute with me.
Do it right this time
or I'll fucking end you.
On Yelp.
Okay, cool, thanks.
I'll talk to you later,
I'm not even on Yelp, dick.
[MUSIC]
Speak, speak, speak, lovey, lovey, lovey,
and will you marry me?
Yes, a million times, yes.
[MUSIC]
One second.
[MUSIC]
Give me that.
Hello?
Nico the photo guy, leave a message.
Are you fucking kidding me?
[MUSIC]
[SCREAMING]
He's out of the loop.
[MUSIC]
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC]
[SCREAMING] [MUSIC]
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC]
Hello?
[MUSIC] I'm a fucking fucking asshole.
[MUSIC]
I've been planning
this day my whole life.
And you fucking killed him.
You messed with the wrong bride.
You hear me?
You messed with the wrong fucking--
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC]
[SCREAMING]
Oh man, you can't be here.
What are you doing?
[SCREAMING]
Hey buddy, you want to
tell me what's going on?
Wait, stop.
Drop the nerve down.
[SCREAMING]
Somebody, please.
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC]
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
[SCREAMING]
Hey there, you motherfucker.
Go away.
Go away.
Go away.
You go away.
[MUSIC]
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Hey, hey.
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC]
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
It's Valentine's Day and the nation is
once again on high alert.
For the past two years, a masked maniac
known as the Heart Eyes Killer.
Or H.E.K. as authorities call him for
short, has emerged on a day meant for
romance to target, hunt
and brutally kill couples.
H.E.K. seems to target cities at random
from a blood-soaked rampage in
the Boston area two years ago.
As well as a second killing spree which
left several dead in
Philadelphia just last year.
Even though he's after couples in love,
let me be perfectly clear about this.
He will kill anyone who gets in his way.
Leaving Americans once again plagued with
anxiety on Cupid's
holiday asking the question.
Where will the Heart
Eyes Killer strike next?
[MUSIC]
Do you expect the Heart Eyes Killer to
kill your Valentine's Day plans?
Who the hell makes Valentine's Day plans?
Yeah, because holiday sex asks.
Literally.
Valentine's.
I need a low-key scared. The
A.C.E. can't got nothing on me.
Shut up, Dylan.
You're afraid of the dark.
[MUSIC]
No, I don't.
[MUSIC]
The Heart Eyes Killer.
So glad I'm single.
I'm gonna celebrate inside.
That dude hunts you.
Rubbing your shitty
PDA all up in airfist.
He only kills
straight people like things.
Whether you're with a partner or looking
for love, stay vigilant.
This Valentine's Day.
[MUSIC]
Shit.
[LAUGHTER]
Nice one, dipshits.
Oh, Cupid shoots you in the dick.
Caramel soy latte for Monica?
Ooh, that's me.
Yeah. Come here.
Why do you look so stressed?
Is it because you're
single again on Valentine's Day?
No, I'm stressed because Crystal just
called an all-hands meeting
and the subject of her email literally
says Ally's campaign.
Mm, I saw that. So I'm fucked.
Okay, worst case scenario, you get fired
and you never work
another day in your life.
Worst case scenario, Crystal
wears my skin as a pantsuit.
Best case scenario, we
got nice skin though.
Boop. You know what? Whatever.
If you go down, I'll
go down with you, okay?
We'll thumb him the way he says shit.
Large I-splendid Americano
with oat milk, 2 honey, 1 sugar.
So are you sure that's yours?
Yes, that is definitely mine.
No one else would order a larger
I-splendid Americano with
oat milk, 2 honey, 1 sugar.
Sugar?
Yeah, look at that. Wow.
Guess we're coffee mates.
Nice dad joke.
Thanks.
Thought I was the only one in the world
with the most obnoxious coffee order.
It's a pretty common order, actually. Can
you guys move? We're busy.
Yes.
Hey, can I interest
you in one of these guys?
Oh, no, I'm okay. Thanks.
Carry my own.
Mm, metal straw.
I hate paper straws. They just turn into
mush in like three seconds.
Yeah, no, I totally
get what you're saying.
It's put all the coffee in a plastic cup,
but hey, as long as the straw is paper,
the planet's saved.
Planet saved.
Mm.
Sugar, though. Want one?
Yeah?
A little slow poison for the pancreas.
Oh!
I'm sorry. No, I'm...
I got it. It's okay.
No, it's totally...
Oh, shit!
Fucking Jesus!
Oh, my God, are you okay?
Yeah.
Am I?
Here, shit.
Oh, thank you for that.
I'm gonna go. I'll see
you at work, come on.
Sorry, she's getting fired today.
Exactly one year after a Valentine's Day
massacre left three
couples dead in Boston
and four couples dead in Philadelphia,
the hard-eyes killer has come to Seattle.
Four victims have now been claimed at a
winery, ending one dream engagement...
in a nightmare.
Chief Hartley, is this the
work of the hard-eyes killer?
That's not confirmed at this point, but
given the pattern of
targeting couples on Valentine's Day,
we suspect it's the work of AGK.
What do you have to say to all those
couples out there planning
to celebrate Valentine's Day?
Stay home.
Oh, well.
This is quite a pickle.
Why didn't a single one of you tell me
that there is a maniac running around
slaughtering people on Valentine's Day
these last couple years?
Tommy!
Not a single one of you.
This campaign is certainly ill-timed.
Wouldn't you say so, Missy?
Um...
You know, Crystal, how you always tell us
that relevance is really
important in our pitches?
Well, I personally believe that Ali's
campaign is very now...
Monica, thank you so much. If you could
do me a huge favor, shut the fuck up.
Tommy.
Wow, profiting off the death of couples
to sell rings.
Speechless. This is disgusting.
I'll say.
What did I just watch? Straight up tacky.
Someone find out who made this and docks
their ignorant ass. I
mean, it just... it goes on.
I'm sure it does.
Ali, I'm worried about your safety.
Gee, thanks, Tommy. How many people has
this heart-shaped asshole guilt?
I think, like, a lot.
A lot.
You built a nationwide campaign around
romance ending in death.
Well, you approved it.
Because I trusted you. I'm
gonna need a new campaign.
Okay. Um, no problem. I'll...
Jay, get in here. Jay, who's Jay?
Thank you very much.
No way.
That's the guy who knows you
smashed into the cup of shit.
Jay Simmons, everybody. This is Jay
Simmons. Who's Jay Simmons?
Well, I'll tell you. Jay Simmons is the
former CCD of BNY New York.
He is the youngest freelancer to win a
clear award for his viral romantic
campaigns and everything.
From fancy cars to luxury chocolates.
And he has then earned himself a nice
little moniker of Consumer Cupid.
That is Jay Simmons.
And I'll tell you what. When I realized
how far up Shitt's Creek
Alley here had paddled us,
I knew I needed some
reinforcements. And thank baby Jesus.
Now, he's gotta leave and push off
tomorrow and skidaddle. So, he's on the
clock, Jay. Everybody, Jay!
Thank you for the lovely flattery
crystal. I appreciate it.
Listen, as I understand it, we've
experienced some turbulence as of late,
but it's all about how you land the plane
that matters. So, we will
get through this... together.
What the hell was that?
I got a match.
Oh, for fuck's sakes.
We're gonna get married. I can feel it.
That's your boyfriend?
Yeah, he will be. He's an actual
firefighter who loves puppies.
You see? That's why you're still single.
You know what you need, Shaw?
You need a real man.
And then it's willing
to make the first move.
Come on, detectives. You're
gonna love this. Check it out.
When is that a wedding band?
Could it be one of the victims?
Unlikely.
The initials engraved on the inside, JS.
Doesn't let Jigheth over the deceased.
Huh.
Huh.
What kind of an animal would do this?
Probably some incel virgin troll living
in his mommy's basement.
Assuming it's a man.
What about the girl who never got asked a
problem? The love-scorned woman who got
cheated on one too many
times and just snapped.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, yes. He replied.
You the gay fireman?
No, no. This guy works in tech.
Shaw's got a fetish for betas.
I don't have a fetish.
Everybody's got a fetish.
Gentlemen, this is more
than just a simple murder.
It's a...
kink.
That's the understatement of the fucking
year. How do you know
for sure it's H and K?
Here we go, detective.
Guess this is the last thing the wedding
photographer ever saw.
Hard Eyes is coming to our city, boys.
They've got another ten hours of
Valentine's Day left to kill.
Excuse me, what in hell are you doing?
What do you mean? You just fired me in
front of the whole team.
Fired you? I got six more months on your
contract. I intend to squeeze every
single ass drop out of you.
Okay, great. So what am I supposed to do?
Get him coffee while he lands the plane?
Now, you're gonna turn in a sizzling,
sexy, seductive
blockbuster crystal cane campaign.
And if you don't, I'll kill you.
I'm kidding. I won't. I black-list you,
though. I won't kill you.
I mean, maybe. But no. But would I?
Whoever made this, I hope you get
murdered and canceled not in
that order. Hashtag do better.
As someone who may die someday, I find
this commercial to be tone
deaf and borderline ableist.
Wow, people are fucking dumb. The only
thing better than the couples in this ad
is the brain cell of the personal creed.
The level of cringe in this video is off
the charts. Hashtag just that.
Hey, Allie?
Yeah?
Howdy.
Jay? This is the women's bathroom, dude.
You can't be in here.
Yeah, technically it is a unisex
bathroom, but can we talk?
Hi.
Hi. I'm...
I am really sorry about our marriage.
Oh, no. It's totally fine. Sorry to stalk
and run, but I'm trying to make this yoga
class that starts in like an hour.
You're serious? Yoga?
Mm-hmm.
Aren't we supposed to
be saving the company?
Yes, and we will just after yoga. I
booked us a table at L'Oyez. We get
inspired, talk about the campaign.
You realize that it's
Valentine's Day, right?
Oh, that's right. You
probably got plans, don't you?
Well, great. It'll be a great place for
some field research. Romance, flowers...
Do you think that maybe we
could just do this tomorrow?
I see. I would love to do tomorrow. I
just have to take the first flight out in
the morning for my best friend's wedding.
So how about this? We'll call it H-sharp
and I'll see you
there. Yeah? I'm excited.
No, no. I...
It's gonna be great!
It looks like the rain...
Oh, thank you so much.
No, Ma, let me get this.
You're like $100,000 in debt.
Ha ha, not anymore. Arthur paid it off
and I get to keep the card.
Are you serious? Mm-hmm.
Damn. Someone likes a
little sugar with their daddy.
Uh-huh. Excuse me, Ali. I do not have a
sugar daddy. That
term is very problematic.
I have a sponsor.
And do you love your sponsor or is he
just erasing your debt?
Yes, I love him. And I love
that he's erasing my debt.
So when am I gonna meet this secret Hugh
Hefner? Should we all get dinner soon?
What do you say? Like 4.30? Suit?
Ha ha. Real clever, Miss Judgey Judy. Oh,
you're literally stalking your ex online.
I'm not stalking him. The
algorithm is stalking me. Okay?
That's the algorithm?
Hey, is Arthur hard-eyes? Is that why I
haven't met him yet?
That's not fucking funny.
Ha ha. Of course Arthur's not hard-eyes.
That guy has so much
arthritis, he can't run.
Honestly, I bet it's Crystal. You know
when she does that, like, thing?
Mm-hmm. When her Botox
doesn't sit right and it gets stuck?
Breaking news. Our Channel 7 affiliate is
reporting that two more couples have been
found murdered at a downtown spa.
We go live to the scene in Seattle.
Can't watch this.
Ali. Ali, hello.
Hey, ho. Monica. Oh, my God. Why are you
torturing yourself? You're
the one who ended things.
I know. He just moved on so fast. I mean,
what even is her job? Look at her feet.
It's all vacation pics.
And she doesn't even have
rich parents. I checked.
You need to stop hate-fucking-yourself
and get out there and actually find
someone to actually
fuck yourself, you know?
No. Oh, what about that guy? He's so
cute. The, the, the bathroom boy, you
know? Your little stalker?
You mean the guy trying to take my job?
Oh, my fuck. He is so hot,
I could literally throw up.
My basement just flooded.
He's okay. Wait. What are you wearing on
this date? It's not a date. We're
working. And what's
wrong with my clothes?
You look like a before picture. Monica,
that is so mean. Okay, this place. What's
the vibe? Is it what?
Fancy? Yeah, it's fancy.
Why? Come on. Where are we going? We're
gonna go fuck up a credit card.
It's gorgeous. So much skin. I got a
little bit of it. It's so much skin. I
can go, sir. Monica, no. It's not a date.
No.
Hi. A reservation for
Simmons, of course. AJ?
Arms out, please.
What gives?
Hard eyes. Can't be too careful.
I'm environmentally conscious.
Sharp my ass.
Good evening, miss. Will anyone else be
joining you? Yes. A friend. A
colleague. It's a work dinner.
Well, I'll be back with the specials once
your date arrives. No,
no, no. He's not my date.
May I tell you that you're lovely.
I am so sorry that I am later trying to
get a car. And for what it's worth, I had
no idea this place was going to be this
nice. But you look amazing. Thank you.
Welcome to L'Ouet. May I offer you a
beverage? Yeah, please. How about a
bottle of champagne, maybe two glasses?
Oh, no, no. I'm sorry. No
offense, but we're working.
None taken. I'll be right back.
So, where are you from?
Phoenix.
Do you have siblings?
No. Are your parents still together?
Mm-hmm.
Well, that's nice. Yeah, I'd
love to grow old with somebody.
Change their depends.
You know, I don't immediately go to poop
when I think about love, but... Yeah.
I would change an adult diaper if it was
in the name of love.
Here we are.
Thank you. Thank you.
Miss? Yeah.
Didn't want any. Thank you.
And for you, sir?
Thank you very much. Enjoy.
What do you say? To love?
Okay.
Listen, this is all very cute. Mm-hmm.
And you're smooth. Oh, thanks.
But I'm just trying to salvage whatever's
left of my career here, so can we skip
whatever this is and get
to cracking this campaign?
By all means. Okay.
I have a couple ideas in here. Some
probably suck, but I'm sure there's a
problem with something.
You've had your heart broken recently.
I'm sorry, what?
No, I just like to think I'm intuitive
with these things and...
Yeah, no. I did not get my heart broken
recently, and it's
really none of your business.
No, you're totally right. It's not.
Definitely not. Okay.
It's just your campaign.
Doom lovers, I mean, it
hardly screams romance to me.
The most romantic
stories of all time are doomed.
You've got husbands, wives, partners,
twin flames, soulmates, whatever you want
to call it, it's all going to end.
It's just a matter of time before someone
cheats, bails, or dies.
What about butterflies in your stomach?
A lightning bolt to the
heart, cozy Sundays in bed.
What's next, birth charts
and long walks on the beach?
I like those things, but I
get it. Not for everyone.
You want to know how I
feel about romance? Yeah.
It's a farce.
A lie.
Not to everyone, I know that. Some people
get really lucky and stumble into
something real and forever,
but the other 99% of us are just bouncing
from one failed experiment to the next,
chasing the same regurgitated fairy tale
bullshit that's been stuffed into our
brain since we were kids.
Prince Charming?
Till you catch him fucking your sister. I
thought you were an only child.
It's a metaphor, Jesus.
My point is, it's not real.
And somehow I landed a job that forces me
to propagate a fantasy in order to sell
blood diamonds harvested
from third world slave labor,
so please forgive me if I'm not swept
away by your magical
notions of romance, Jay.
Wow.
That's really...
What?
Sad.
Why are you single?
Are you really looking for love? Or are
you just another fake-ass, hoe-hunting,
ankle-cuff prick in a suit?
Oh my God.
You don't know me. And you don't get to
cast judgment just because I
don't think like you, okay?
Yeah, um...
I think you were right.
Tonight's a bad night.
I should just let you clear your head.
Don't worry about the
champagne. It's on Krista.
Jay! Jay, I'm sorry, okay? You win.
Listen, I told you it was fine and I
meant it. It's all good.
No, I had a really rough day and I took
it out on you and that was shitty and
wrong and... Jay,
please, I can't lose this job.
I am not gonna take your job.
Although it does seem like you don't
really want this job,
but this is me, so...
I'm gonna go back to the hotel,
brainstorm some creative
so you can salvage from me.
Ali?
Colin! What are you doing here?
Well, Sienna and I are on a
little dinner date, actually.
I've heard so much
about you. Really? Why?
And you are?
Jay, I'm Ali's boyfriend.
I didn't know you had a boyfriend.
Yeah!
Yeah, I mean, why would you? It's not
like I publicised it on
social media or anything.
Well, it's nice to meet you, Jay.
Pleasure. So, dinner, huh?
Yeah, it was supposed to be a double
date, but unfortunately...
What does that mean?
You know the couple that
got murdered up at the winery.
What, you know them?
We worked together. Played racquetball.
Racquetball? It's tragic, really.
Still kept the reservation.
Dinner.
Of course. In their honour.
Wow. Well, a lot to eat
in there and it's good.
We should go.
See you, Ali, as well.
Oh, it's a sexy dress.
You guys have a good dinner.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy V-Day!
Don't get killed, alright?
What was...
Why would he say that?
That was weird. Oh,
you're coming with me.
Oh, so embarrassing.
[music]
Thank you.
No, not a problem.
[music]
So is it the accent? Is that what it is?
I really love that fucking accent.
I can't stand it now.
Brits are so unemotional.
Well, that would explain
the dead friend's resi.
Love. He's a beautiful thing.
Oh, we just work
together. No, we're not a couple.
But you just kiss, no?
Oh, see, no, that was a performance to
seem maybe more desirable and perhaps
less pathetic in front of a rax.
Oh, you love Spotify.
I have ultimate sexiest playlist.
Yeah, we're... No, we're okay. Thank you.
Can we add a stop?
Again, I'm really sorry about tonight. I
swear I'm not a lunatic.
That's exactly what I
think a lunatic would say.
Okay.
Have fun at your best
friend's wedding. Thank you.
Okie dokie.
What the...
No!
Next stop, 2640 Westlake Avenue South.
Hey, can you hold off a second? I think
she locked herself out.
You know what you should do?
You should go to her, tell her you love
her, then never let her go.
Right. Right. Yeah, you
just keep that meter running.
Howdy. Everything okay?
No. No, I think I left my keys in a
dressing room somewhere.
Oh.
Oh my God, this night
could not get any worse.
Have a spare hidden?
Yeah, under a mat. Upstairs.
It's okay, I'll just break the window.
No, what? Are you talking
about breaking windows? No.
No, it's fine. My landlord loves me.
Well, if you're serious, maybe you just,
you know, let me do it.
I can break a window.
No, I know you can break a window, but if
you cut yourself, I'll be...
I'm not gonna cut myself.
Knock yourself out.
Just know I don't condone
this. I worry for your safety.
And you're punching with your thumb
inside your hand,
which is not a good thing.
Okay, yeah, you're gonna do it. Yeah, why
don't you hold that.
Okay, prepared.
Eh, not so bad. That's bad.
I'm so sorry this is all my fault.
I'm sorry I'm
bleeding all over your floor.
Here, okay, let's run
in under some water.
Thanks.
Okay, you're just gonna
wash up in here for a second.
Sorry, it's so messy. I had a house
cleaner, but she won the
lottery last week and fired me.
Really? How does stitching win?
Um, like a million dollars.
Damn.
Well, I hope you find the replacement.
Soon.
Oh, cute.
I was Pikachu for Halloween, too.
Oh, yeah. That wasn't Halloween.
Well, what was it?
It was Tuesday. Yeah,
I was pretty obsessed.
Or that shit everywhere.
Take that.
It was on your shelf.
No, I really wasn't expecting company.
Ever?
Why don't you just take a seat while I
look for the first aid kit?
Huh.
Found it.
Jay.
Excuse you.
I'm sorry. I don't want to
sit on your nice clothes.
Oh.
Will you relax?
It's just a very expensive jacket.
Let's see your hand.
Careful now.
Does it hurt?
No, actually. You're really good at this.
Did you go to med school or something?
I dropped out, actually.
I really can't do blood.
No way.
No way.
Well, I think you're doing a pretty good
job right now if I do say so myself.
Oh.
This is why we dropped out of med school
and pivoted to advertising.
You're funny.
Am I?
I think so, yeah.
Would you mind my hair
falling off my face? Thank you.
Okay.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
So, do you mind my asking what kind of
medicine you were planning on going into?
Nephrology.
That's the liver.
Kidneys.
Nailed it.
Yeah.
Well, why that?
I had a family member
that was pretty sick.
Guess I... I don't know.
Thought I could fix people.
Anyway, now I'm considered homophobic.
Oh.
That didn't take you for a bigot.
Okay.
Between that and coffee maids, your dad
jokes are top notch.
I'm being facetious, obviously.
Your jokes are cheesy as f-
Ellie!
Ellie!
Fuck you!
Run!
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
You!
What are you doing?
Get your mind out of the gutter.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
You got it?
Yes.
Oh, good job.
Thanks.
Hey, you good?
Yeah.
Help! He's trying to kill us!
Okay, he's alive, buddy.
No, no, no, no, he's
not the wrong people!
Hey, what are you doing?
We killed couples,
right? We're not a couple.
We barely know each other.
So back the fuck off!
911, what's your emergency?
No!
No!
Help!
Help!
Help her!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What?
Did you hear that?
I don't hear anything.
Shit!
Ali!
Get over her!
Take it! [panting]
[panting]
[dramatic music]
[screams]
[tapping]
[grunts]
[tires screech]
[grunts]
[grunts]
[screams]
No!
[grunts]
[growls]
[screams]
[screams]
[screams]
[grunts]
No!
No! No!
No!
No!
[screams]
No!
My God!
Here!
Wait.
He was--he was right here.
I'll go check it out.
Oh my God, Jay.
Jay, is he okay?
I don't know who you're talking about.
Jay Simmons!
We were with each other all night and we
got attacked and we
got separated back there.
I--
You just--
No, I didn't leave him!
All units, all units, stand down.
Jesus.
You got that motherfucker!
CRPD, baby!
Fuck yeah!
[phone rings]
Yeah.
Congratulations.
[phone rings]
Gun!
Hey!
Hey, you need a backup.
Fucking weirdos.
Detectives.
Here she is.
Detective Zeke Hobbs.
This is my partner,
Detective Jeanine Shaw.
Hobbs and Shaw?
Like, the movie?
I haven't seen it.
We're here to idea a murderer.
Oh my God, Jay?
Jay!
Jay, are you okay?
Mm-mm.
Jay!
Nope.
Jay, are you okay?
Uh, no, Allie.
I'm not okay.
Thank you for asking.
You ditched me.
What?
I did not ditch you.
Oh, yes, you did.
You absolutely ditched me.
We were a team.
I was being chased by a
fucking serial killer.
I know.
I also was being
chased by a serial killer.
What the fuck does that mean?
Jay, you're dull and ripped and
imperfectly capable
of defending yourself.
Allie, I really appreciate the
compliments, especially coming from you.
But right now is not the time, okay?
These muscles were not made for violence.
They're for cuddling.
Okay.
Guys, this was not him.
We were together all night.
Hard Eyes was after both of us.
Ma'am, we found this man
in the park wearing this.
And in possession of this.
Come on!
No, that's not possible.
Jay didn't do this.
Maybe.
Maybe Jay wasn't acting alone.
What?
What?
We're gonna have to take your tall,
ripped friend in for questioning.
Oh!
Ho ho!
Hey, good going.
Really great.
See you in the station, I guess.
Fuck.
What is this?
It's a ring.
Read it.
Read what?
Let me help you out.
Let me help you out.
This is JS.
As in, Jay Simmons.
You are really good.
You're really good at detective work.
That was really impressive.
That's orgasm.
A, I am not married.
B, why would I leave a wedding band at
the scene of the crime?
And C, who gets their own initials
engraved in their own
fucking wedding band?
Also D, yes, that was sarcasm.
Hey, hey, hey!
Come on, huts!
Take five.
Go!
Go.
Pull down.
Come on.
Come on.
I'm sorry.
He can get a little hot under the collar.
Yeah, no kidding.
Do you need anything?
Water, coffee?
I am fine.
Thank you very much.
Okay.
Just you and me.
I want you to look me in the eyes.
And tell me the truth.
All right.
How long have you known Ellie?
14 hours.
You seem to care about her.
Yeah, maybe I do.
With that ring, that's...
it's not yours, correct?
No, again, I am not married.
I'm not married.
I mean, it's not like
by choice or anything.
I just haven't met the right person.
You're telling me.
Your...
Single.
Shocker.
Kind of.
No, do you really, um...
Okay.
Lady, I have been
waiting here for over an hour.
First of all, it's officer's second.
I already told you they're
interrogating the suspect.
And I already told you they're
interrogating the wrong guy.
Can you please just go back there and
give me some sort of information?
I'm sorry, Fran. The
ethernet cable was off, afraid.
Should be working out.
Thanks, David.
It's a five-letter word
for a dog, ending in "H."
Bitch.
Excuse me.
Female dog.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Can you please go back there now and give
me some sort of update?
Fine, thank you.
Hey.
Do we know each other?
No, I don't think so.
Bumble.
Yeah, no, I'm not on the apps.
Oh. It's a waste of time anyway.
Just shooting my shot here.
Um, could I take you
out to coffee sometime?
I'll pay for it.
I almost got murdered tonight.
I am so sorry.
Yeah.
Um, stay safe.
Have a good night.
Thank you.
Who the hell is everybody?
Celebrating.
They caught heart ice.
So what else do you want to tell me?
Not a serial killer.
So there's that.
Were you in Boston in February of 23 and
Philadelphia in February of 24?
I...
Let me rephrase.
You were in Boston and Philly.
Same dates and locations as H.E.K.'s two
prior killings sprees.
Jay, I gotta admit.
That doesn't look very good.
I don't know what you want me to say.
I'm a freelancer, so,
yeah, I travel for, like, work.
Do you ever get lonely?
On the road?
I like to think that I
can keep myself busy.
Yeah?
How?
How do you blow off steam when you're
alone with your thoughts, Jay?
Do you go to a vineyard?
Have you a spa?
Holy...
Holy...
Hello?
Detective.
We got an H.W.W. up front.
What do you want me to do with her?
An H.W.W.
Historical white woman.
I'll handle her.
You sit tight.
We're not done yet.
I'll be here.
When you've been expected, you all know
one of the many men every
toy from his tour guide.
And if you found something in the butcher
meat, you then call H.W.W.
It's your turn.
What the hell are you doing?
God!
Bless the U.S.A.
I told you.
I'm so sorry.
You letting him go?
Not yet.
Why the hell not? He's innocent.
Well, then tell me something. Why is the
Hard-Ace killer after
him? You're not a couple.
I don't know. I assume he saw us and
thought we were together.
Why?
We...
Kissed.
We had to... We had to kiss.
We had to kiss because my ex, he was
there and I was jealous.
It's really stupid. I know. Okay.
I get it.
I do.
So you're not
interested in him, romantically?
Why is that relevant?
Just girl talk.
He's cute. He has a really good job.
Perfect candidate for a
little girl like yourself.
A little girl like myself?
Ah!
Oh, relax. Probably just the breaker.
That's what people say
before they get stabbed to death.
How would you know?
Watch her.
No, no, no, no. She's got to watch me.
Oh, yeah. I'm just getting a flashlight.
A little space? Any
closer, you'd be inside me.
I'm sorry. I'm just scared.
No, no, no. Careful. He hides in closets.
No killer's in here.
No!
No! No! No!
Help!
Hey, what's happening here?
Go! Get back! Get back!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, where
are you going? I'm coming!
Don't worry, lover boy. I'll protect you.
No, no, no.
Shaw!
Shaw!
Shaw! Shaw!
Jay?
Jay?
Jay, can you hear me?
Yes, yes. Ali, Ali,
you've got to find the keys.
Uh, Hobbs has the keys. Okay, you have to
find Hobbs because he
locked me in the locker.
Fucking asshole.
Ali?
Ali.
Duh, she ditched me.
That's okay.
Ali.
Hey.
Come on.
Hey, come on.
This is not fair!
No!
Die.
Jay!
Careful, don't!
Hi.
Are you okay?
You're a terrible shot, by the way.
Don't fucking push it, Romeo.
Okay.
No!
Ali! No!
No, no, no!
You saved my life.
You saved mine.
How did you win?
We're not together!
Don't kill somebody else!
Get up, get up, get up, get
up, get up, get up, get up!
Oh, fuck.
Do you know what we just did?
Yeah, we led a couples
killing maniac to a, uh...
Two in all you can kill, Buffet.
Okay. You know what, Lorenzo?
Okay.
Are you kidding me?
Oh, shit.
Yo, that costume is dope!
I don't like that.
What the fuck?
What's up, man?
Excuse us.
What a creep.
What I came up here to tell you is that
you must stop calling me for a second
word a day, sending me 20 seconds.
Uh, laughing, go.
Right, go, go, go, go.
This is what I have to say.
Turn.
In here.
In here.
Put a fucking shoot on,
there's a killer after us.
What is it?
The hard-hiced killer.
He's out there right now.
We need to be quiet.
Oh, dude, that's so hot.
We love role-playing.
Oh, my God, he's coming.
We're so dead.
Oh, he's so scary.
Oh, he can't stay here.
Maybe we lay low for a little bit.
I actually kind of like this movie.
Yeah, you like that?
Really?
Yeah, are you surprised?
A little bit, yeah.
Oh, no.
I did ditch you.
Oh, no.
No, ditch me.
It's what I'm best at.
Ditching people?
Running.
Hey, I was holding my own.
You didn't see me shaking.
Those little leather boots.
Jay, I wasn't entirely honest at dinner.
My parents had this,
like, storybook romance.
They were literally perfect together.
And then my dad died.
And I don't think my
mom ever fully recovered.
I'm sorry.
You know, when I was a kid,
my parents just hated each other.
I mean, they fought all the time.
I think that is why I'm just this, um,
capitalist romantic.
Just putting every girl
I fall for on a pedestal,
only to have my heart
broken over and over and over.
Keep going.
Only because they...
they just can't breathe
in my suffocating attempt
to prove mom and dad wrong.
No, I think...
I think tonight should have been, like,
the worst night of my life.
But it isn't.
They don't.
Baby, you're so wet.
God, you're so hard.
At least they're having fun.
Holy shit.
Those come around.
You know it's too early.
Shut the fuck up.
Shut up.
Shut the fuck up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Oh, yeah.
[screaming]
Holy shit.
Someone call 911!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
[screaming]
Please, no!
Please, no!
[screaming]
[screaming]
[screaming]
[screaming]
[crying]
[crying]
[crying] [screaming]
What are you--
Hey, Callie, what are you doing?
Wait.
Wait for what?
He's gonna kill us.
And if he doesn't kill us,
he's gonna keep killing people.
We brought him here.
We ended here.
Come on.
I thought we were a team.
[music playing]
[music playing]
[screaming]
Hey, fuck I!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
We need a weapon.
I have this.
That is not a weapon.
That could work.
I don't think I can do that.
Oh, yeah.
Yes, you can.
Come on.
[screaming]
Yeah, right!
Callie!
[screaming]
[grunting]
[grunting]
No.
[screaming]
Oh, shit.
[screaming]
[screaming]
Thanks a lot, Jay.
What?
You got it in my mouth.
It just saved your life.
Oh my God, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Oh, hey.
Oh, no, no, no.
[coughing]
I told you I was not good with blood.
No kidding.
[sighing]
Who the fuck is that?
I have no idea.
[crashing]
You two, you're gonna be famous.
The couple that stopped our eyes.
That's very cute.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm gonna leave you alone now.
[footsteps]
Hey, they come over here.
Showing the dark here.
I'm gonna come back to my hotel and try
and crack this campaign before my flight.
Just actually ate some dinner.
We're at a whole bunch of room service.
Jay, you can't?
[sighing]
[door creaking]
Hey, you two.
Just wanna make sure
you both got home safe.
Either of you need a lift.
Um, actually, I suppose you have a phone
just so I can call a cab.
No, don't be silly.
I'll give you a ride home.
At least I can do.
You're cherry to wait.
Okay.
Work call later?
Sounds like a plan.
Hey, uh, does anyone have a pen?
I got you, dude.
Okay.
Can I see that?
[phone ringing]
That's me.
Your chariot awaits.
She's not my type.
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
Hey, um, I got another call, so I'm just
gonna have to take that.
And that, too.
[phone ringing] [phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
Hey, do you need a ride?
[phone ringing]
Hey.
Um, do you have
something you wanna tell me?
Oh, you're never gonna
believe what happened.
Hello, heart eyes? Are you kidding me?
Hey, are you okay? Tell me the truth. Do
you need to come over?
I can sleep in Arthur's panic room.
No, I hate this feeling.
What feeling?
Liking someone.
God, I fucked up.
I fucked up, Mon. I met a really, really
great guy, and now he's gone.
Where is he?
At the airport.
Oh.
Okay, great. He's at
the airport. Go get him.
I-- Hey, Ali? Ali, listen to me. You
deserve to be happy.
You deserve to have someone love you for
the beautiful,
neurotic mess that you are.
I mean, you could be
so clueless sometimes.
It's one of the ten
things I hate about you.
Honestly, you can't let Jay go off to his
best friend's wedding
and hook up with a bunch of bridesmaids
and move to Notting Hill.
No. This is love, Mama.
Some kind of
wonderful, crazy, stupid love.
Actually...
Go get him. Go get that
beautiful, melanin man.
Okay?
It's gorgeous.
Oh, my God.
You gotta go. You
gotta get it right there.
I'm going.
I love you. You're beautiful.
This is your final call for all
passengers on flight 403 to Boston.
Thank you.
Jay?
Please have your boarding
pass at the station ready.
Jay!
Thank you. Jay?
Jay?
Jay?
Jay?
Sorry!
Jay?
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I
thought you were somebody else.
Sorry.
Your flight is boarded
and ready for departure.
Please make your way to the
main lounge 11 immediately.)
Hello?
Roses are red.
Millets are black.
Guess who's with me and not coming back?
Who is this?
We've met before.
Forget me not.
(I tell it not! Don't do this!)
St. Valentine's Chapel.
Come alone or he dies.
Okay.
Call for help.
He dies.
Okay. Just please don't hurt him.
That's up to you, sweetheart.
They say love is blind.
And lovers cannot see.)
(The pretty follies that
they themselves commit.)
(Where love isn't blind.)
Is it?
Wait, you're...
It's me.
David.
The IT guy.
Who the fuck did we kill then?
Eli.
Poor, stupid Eli.
You guys were a couple?
Couple? No.
Thrupple.
Love looks with eyes wide open.
Seeking what the heart desires the most.
Partner.
It's true companion.
I found mine ten
years ago in a chat room.
David saw me, he
understood me, and I understood him.
We got married here.
Yeah.
You know, I didn't really
take you for the religious type.
No.
I just like this story.
St. Valentine...
...was beheaded.
You murdered innocent people.
Show what you love.
Show what you love.
And we love hunting.
Killing.
Deceit.
Taking turns on our victims.
Murdering couples.
Is our kick.
Everybody's got to fetish.
Well, too bad we wasted
your boyfriend at the drive-in.
Oh, God.
He wasn't a boyfriend.
No, Eli was just a stupid fanboy.
He was obsessed with us.
He was obsessed with me.
Yeah, he learned a lot from me.
You just got messy.
I almost got you at home.
I killed your driver.
No!
You're not throwing people!
What are you doing?
And I had a blast wasting those vile
dickheads at the winer.
That reminds me.
Oh.
Found this.
God.
You're the fucking best.
Isn't she the fucking best?
Yeah, I know.
And as luck would have
it, your initials matched.
Jay Shaw.
Janine Shaw, bitch.
Why us?
We're not even a couple.
Just let him go.
Let him go.
Truth be told, we were going to kill the
other couple at the restaurant.
But then, we saw that kiss.
Oh, that kiss.
God.
Your chemistry is undeniable.
Well, I didn't know that
murder was a love language.
Try it.
Maybe you'll like it.
Pick it up.
Pick it up.
There's a single bullet in that chamber
with one single choice.
Him or you?
We may have mistaken you for lovers at
the beginning of the night,
but can you prove us right?
Could you save his life with yours,
thus proving that love
really does conquer all?
If you don't love him, kill him.
And you're free to go.
Wow.
You know, your dedication is impressive.
Just twist it as fuck, but...
Jane.
I spent so long running from love.
Convinced it would destroy me.
I don't want to be that person anymore.
I want the storybook thing.
It was just one single night.
It was just one single night.
But I fell hard for you, Jane.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, don't do that.
No, no, no.
Hey, hey, hey, no, no, no, no.
Forgive me.
Ali!
Oh, no.
Baby, no!
Oh, you shot me.
Sorry. I overcorrected.
It's a lucky fucking shot.
Ali, would you be what you said?
Go on.
Okay.
Chop that pretty boy up. I'm
gonna have fun with this one.
No, no.
Oh, yes, Mommy.
No, no, don't you fucking catch him!
You shouldn't have shot me, bitch.
Hey, hey, come on.
Look at her grow.
Oh, you don't want to miss this, do you?
Isn't she perfect?
You talk too much.
I'm gonna fucking kill you, boo.
You watching, Jay?
I want you to see her die.
Love hurts, bitch.
[crying]
[screaming]
[thunder]
[screaming]
[crunching]
Your day fucking sucks.
[dramatic music]
Jay.
Jay.
[crying]
How are you?
[crying]
I think you got over your fear of blood.
[screaming]
Fuck, really?
That's fucking hell, dad!
That's fucking hell, man!
You're a failure.
[crunching]
[crying]
Planet saved.
Planet saved.
[thunder]
[applause]
Now, if you told me that a year ago, I'd
be drinking the highest
recorded sales in crystal
cane history, I'd say, "Y'all just a line
stack of hot trash."
What?
Here we are.
And it's all thanks to
these two marketing mavens.
[cheering]
Right here.
Thank you.
Now, Ella, I am, believe it or not,
mildly devastated that
this is your last day.
But I'm proud of you for going pursuing
your dreams, going back to doctor school.
All told, I really do hope that you're
better with a needle than
you are with a pitch deck.
To Nick's house!
To success!
Wait.
To love.
Hey, baby.
Hi.
What did I miss?
Hey, do you think it's weird having a
date here after everything that happened?
Nope, not to me.
This is where I realized
I was in love with you.
So, I feel symbolic.
Okay, symbolic.
Do you think it's some--
Listen, don't freak out.
Don't freak out.
I know stuff like this
can freak you out, but...
Ella, this has been
the best year of my life.
So...
Willy, you move in with me.
Jay, I...
I don't know what to say.
Yeah, no, I know where
that's going. That's okay.
No, I don't want to key.
I don't want to key.
I don't want you.
[sighs]
Jay Simmons.
Will you marry me?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, yes, a million fucking times.
Yes.
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
Hello?
Who is this?
Relax, bitch.
Tucson? Monica, that's not funny.
Where are you?
Did you get it?
Of course I got it. Are you kidding me?
You look super cute.
I mean, I would have gotten a manicure,
but I told you that,
and you're fine with that.
You're a natural gal. You look great.
Okay, enjoy the movie, Fiancees.
Love you.
Ali?
Hello?
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
[MUSIC]
[BLANKAUDIO]
Every time our eyes
mate, this feeling inside me,
[MUSIC]
Patrick.
Adeline.
This is going to be the
best Valentine's Day ever.
This place is just so gorge.
Of course it is, babe.
I picked it.
[LAUGH]
[MUSIC]
What the hell?
[MUSIC]
I told you not to put it in my food.
Oh shit, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Keep going.
[MUSIC]
Adeline Delilah Garrett, you're smart.
You're beautiful and perhaps most
important of all, you make me think.
You're my person and I can't
imagine my life without you.
Will you marry me?
Yes, a million times, yes.
[MUSIC]
Why are you calling me right now?
I didn't get it.
What the fuck do you
mean you didn't get it?
Yeah, I'm sorry, dude.
There was a couple sun flares and like,
could you maybe do it again or?
Why yes, let me repropose to my fucking
girlfriend so you can do your job right.
Technically she's your fiance.
Don't get cute with me.
Do it right this time
or I'll fucking end you.
On Yelp.
Okay, cool, thanks.
I'll talk to you later,
I'm not even on Yelp, dick.
[MUSIC]
Speak, speak, speak, lovey, lovey, lovey,
and will you marry me?
Yes, a million times, yes.
[MUSIC]
One second.
[MUSIC]
Give me that.
Hello?
Nico the photo guy, leave a message.
Are you fucking kidding me?
[MUSIC]
[SCREAMING]
He's out of the loop.
[MUSIC]
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC]
[SCREAMING] [MUSIC]
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC]
Hello?
[MUSIC] I'm a fucking fucking asshole.
[MUSIC]
I've been planning
this day my whole life.
And you fucking killed him.
You messed with the wrong bride.
You hear me?
You messed with the wrong fucking--
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC]
[SCREAMING]
Oh man, you can't be here.
What are you doing?
[SCREAMING]
Hey buddy, you want to
tell me what's going on?
Wait, stop.
Drop the nerve down.
[SCREAMING]
Somebody, please.
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC]
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
[SCREAMING]
Hey there, you motherfucker.
Go away.
Go away.
Go away.
You go away.
[MUSIC]
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Hey, hey.
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC]
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
It's Valentine's Day and the nation is
once again on high alert.
For the past two years, a masked maniac
known as the Heart Eyes Killer.
Or H.E.K. as authorities call him for
short, has emerged on a day meant for
romance to target, hunt
and brutally kill couples.
H.E.K. seems to target cities at random
from a blood-soaked rampage in
the Boston area two years ago.
As well as a second killing spree which
left several dead in
Philadelphia just last year.
Even though he's after couples in love,
let me be perfectly clear about this.
He will kill anyone who gets in his way.
Leaving Americans once again plagued with
anxiety on Cupid's
holiday asking the question.
Where will the Heart
Eyes Killer strike next?
[MUSIC]
Do you expect the Heart Eyes Killer to
kill your Valentine's Day plans?
Who the hell makes Valentine's Day plans?
Yeah, because holiday sex asks.
Literally.
Valentine's.
I need a low-key scared. The
A.C.E. can't got nothing on me.
Shut up, Dylan.
You're afraid of the dark.
[MUSIC]
No, I don't.
[MUSIC]
The Heart Eyes Killer.
So glad I'm single.
I'm gonna celebrate inside.
That dude hunts you.
Rubbing your shitty
PDA all up in airfist.
He only kills
straight people like things.
Whether you're with a partner or looking
for love, stay vigilant.
This Valentine's Day.
[MUSIC]
Shit.
[LAUGHTER]
Nice one, dipshits.
Oh, Cupid shoots you in the dick.
Caramel soy latte for Monica?
Ooh, that's me.
Yeah. Come here.
Why do you look so stressed?
Is it because you're
single again on Valentine's Day?
No, I'm stressed because Crystal just
called an all-hands meeting
and the subject of her email literally
says Ally's campaign.
Mm, I saw that. So I'm fucked.
Okay, worst case scenario, you get fired
and you never work
another day in your life.
Worst case scenario, Crystal
wears my skin as a pantsuit.
Best case scenario, we
got nice skin though.
Boop. You know what? Whatever.
If you go down, I'll
go down with you, okay?
We'll thumb him the way he says shit.
Large I-splendid Americano
with oat milk, 2 honey, 1 sugar.
So are you sure that's yours?
Yes, that is definitely mine.
No one else would order a larger
I-splendid Americano with
oat milk, 2 honey, 1 sugar.
Sugar?
Yeah, look at that. Wow.
Guess we're coffee mates.
Nice dad joke.
Thanks.
Thought I was the only one in the world
with the most obnoxious coffee order.
It's a pretty common order, actually. Can
you guys move? We're busy.
Yes.
Hey, can I interest
you in one of these guys?
Oh, no, I'm okay. Thanks.
Carry my own.
Mm, metal straw.
I hate paper straws. They just turn into
mush in like three seconds.
Yeah, no, I totally
get what you're saying.
It's put all the coffee in a plastic cup,
but hey, as long as the straw is paper,
the planet's saved.
Planet saved.
Mm.
Sugar, though. Want one?
Yeah?
A little slow poison for the pancreas.
Oh!
I'm sorry. No, I'm...
I got it. It's okay.
No, it's totally...
Oh, shit!
Fucking Jesus!
Oh, my God, are you okay?
Yeah.
Am I?
Here, shit.
Oh, thank you for that.
I'm gonna go. I'll see
you at work, come on.
Sorry, she's getting fired today.
Exactly one year after a Valentine's Day
massacre left three
couples dead in Boston
and four couples dead in Philadelphia,
the hard-eyes killer has come to Seattle.
Four victims have now been claimed at a
winery, ending one dream engagement...
in a nightmare.
Chief Hartley, is this the
work of the hard-eyes killer?
That's not confirmed at this point, but
given the pattern of
targeting couples on Valentine's Day,
we suspect it's the work of AGK.
What do you have to say to all those
couples out there planning
to celebrate Valentine's Day?
Stay home.
Oh, well.
This is quite a pickle.
Why didn't a single one of you tell me
that there is a maniac running around
slaughtering people on Valentine's Day
these last couple years?
Tommy!
Not a single one of you.
This campaign is certainly ill-timed.
Wouldn't you say so, Missy?
Um...
You know, Crystal, how you always tell us
that relevance is really
important in our pitches?
Well, I personally believe that Ali's
campaign is very now...
Monica, thank you so much. If you could
do me a huge favor, shut the fuck up.
Tommy.
Wow, profiting off the death of couples
to sell rings.
Speechless. This is disgusting.
I'll say.
What did I just watch? Straight up tacky.
Someone find out who made this and docks
their ignorant ass. I
mean, it just... it goes on.
I'm sure it does.
Ali, I'm worried about your safety.
Gee, thanks, Tommy. How many people has
this heart-shaped asshole guilt?
I think, like, a lot.
A lot.
You built a nationwide campaign around
romance ending in death.
Well, you approved it.
Because I trusted you. I'm
gonna need a new campaign.
Okay. Um, no problem. I'll...
Jay, get in here. Jay, who's Jay?
Thank you very much.
No way.
That's the guy who knows you
smashed into the cup of shit.
Jay Simmons, everybody. This is Jay
Simmons. Who's Jay Simmons?
Well, I'll tell you. Jay Simmons is the
former CCD of BNY New York.
He is the youngest freelancer to win a
clear award for his viral romantic
campaigns and everything.
From fancy cars to luxury chocolates.
And he has then earned himself a nice
little moniker of Consumer Cupid.
That is Jay Simmons.
And I'll tell you what. When I realized
how far up Shitt's Creek
Alley here had paddled us,
I knew I needed some
reinforcements. And thank baby Jesus.
Now, he's gotta leave and push off
tomorrow and skidaddle. So, he's on the
clock, Jay. Everybody, Jay!
Thank you for the lovely flattery
crystal. I appreciate it.
Listen, as I understand it, we've
experienced some turbulence as of late,
but it's all about how you land the plane
that matters. So, we will
get through this... together.
What the hell was that?
I got a match.
Oh, for fuck's sakes.
We're gonna get married. I can feel it.
That's your boyfriend?
Yeah, he will be. He's an actual
firefighter who loves puppies.
You see? That's why you're still single.
You know what you need, Shaw?
You need a real man.
And then it's willing
to make the first move.
Come on, detectives. You're
gonna love this. Check it out.
When is that a wedding band?
Could it be one of the victims?
Unlikely.
The initials engraved on the inside, JS.
Doesn't let Jigheth over the deceased.
Huh.
Huh.
What kind of an animal would do this?
Probably some incel virgin troll living
in his mommy's basement.
Assuming it's a man.
What about the girl who never got asked a
problem? The love-scorned woman who got
cheated on one too many
times and just snapped.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, yes. He replied.
You the gay fireman?
No, no. This guy works in tech.
Shaw's got a fetish for betas.
I don't have a fetish.
Everybody's got a fetish.
Gentlemen, this is more
than just a simple murder.
It's a...
kink.
That's the understatement of the fucking
year. How do you know
for sure it's H and K?
Here we go, detective.
Guess this is the last thing the wedding
photographer ever saw.
Hard Eyes is coming to our city, boys.
They've got another ten hours of
Valentine's Day left to kill.
Excuse me, what in hell are you doing?
What do you mean? You just fired me in
front of the whole team.
Fired you? I got six more months on your
contract. I intend to squeeze every
single ass drop out of you.
Okay, great. So what am I supposed to do?
Get him coffee while he lands the plane?
Now, you're gonna turn in a sizzling,
sexy, seductive
blockbuster crystal cane campaign.
And if you don't, I'll kill you.
I'm kidding. I won't. I black-list you,
though. I won't kill you.
I mean, maybe. But no. But would I?
Whoever made this, I hope you get
murdered and canceled not in
that order. Hashtag do better.
As someone who may die someday, I find
this commercial to be tone
deaf and borderline ableist.
Wow, people are fucking dumb. The only
thing better than the couples in this ad
is the brain cell of the personal creed.
The level of cringe in this video is off
the charts. Hashtag just that.
Hey, Allie?
Yeah?
Howdy.
Jay? This is the women's bathroom, dude.
You can't be in here.
Yeah, technically it is a unisex
bathroom, but can we talk?
Hi.
Hi. I'm...
I am really sorry about our marriage.
Oh, no. It's totally fine. Sorry to stalk
and run, but I'm trying to make this yoga
class that starts in like an hour.
You're serious? Yoga?
Mm-hmm.
Aren't we supposed to
be saving the company?
Yes, and we will just after yoga. I
booked us a table at L'Oyez. We get
inspired, talk about the campaign.
You realize that it's
Valentine's Day, right?
Oh, that's right. You
probably got plans, don't you?
Well, great. It'll be a great place for
some field research. Romance, flowers...
Do you think that maybe we
could just do this tomorrow?
I see. I would love to do tomorrow. I
just have to take the first flight out in
the morning for my best friend's wedding.
So how about this? We'll call it H-sharp
and I'll see you
there. Yeah? I'm excited.
No, no. I...
It's gonna be great!
It looks like the rain...
Oh, thank you so much.
No, Ma, let me get this.
You're like $100,000 in debt.
Ha ha, not anymore. Arthur paid it off
and I get to keep the card.
Are you serious? Mm-hmm.
Damn. Someone likes a
little sugar with their daddy.
Uh-huh. Excuse me, Ali. I do not have a
sugar daddy. That
term is very problematic.
I have a sponsor.
And do you love your sponsor or is he
just erasing your debt?
Yes, I love him. And I love
that he's erasing my debt.
So when am I gonna meet this secret Hugh
Hefner? Should we all get dinner soon?
What do you say? Like 4.30? Suit?
Ha ha. Real clever, Miss Judgey Judy. Oh,
you're literally stalking your ex online.
I'm not stalking him. The
algorithm is stalking me. Okay?
That's the algorithm?
Hey, is Arthur hard-eyes? Is that why I
haven't met him yet?
That's not fucking funny.
Ha ha. Of course Arthur's not hard-eyes.
That guy has so much
arthritis, he can't run.
Honestly, I bet it's Crystal. You know
when she does that, like, thing?
Mm-hmm. When her Botox
doesn't sit right and it gets stuck?
Breaking news. Our Channel 7 affiliate is
reporting that two more couples have been
found murdered at a downtown spa.
We go live to the scene in Seattle.
Can't watch this.
Ali. Ali, hello.
Hey, ho. Monica. Oh, my God. Why are you
torturing yourself? You're
the one who ended things.
I know. He just moved on so fast. I mean,
what even is her job? Look at her feet.
It's all vacation pics.
And she doesn't even have
rich parents. I checked.
You need to stop hate-fucking-yourself
and get out there and actually find
someone to actually
fuck yourself, you know?
No. Oh, what about that guy? He's so
cute. The, the, the bathroom boy, you
know? Your little stalker?
You mean the guy trying to take my job?
Oh, my fuck. He is so hot,
I could literally throw up.
My basement just flooded.
He's okay. Wait. What are you wearing on
this date? It's not a date. We're
working. And what's
wrong with my clothes?
You look like a before picture. Monica,
that is so mean. Okay, this place. What's
the vibe? Is it what?
Fancy? Yeah, it's fancy.
Why? Come on. Where are we going? We're
gonna go fuck up a credit card.
It's gorgeous. So much skin. I got a
little bit of it. It's so much skin. I
can go, sir. Monica, no. It's not a date.
No.
Hi. A reservation for
Simmons, of course. AJ?
Arms out, please.
What gives?
Hard eyes. Can't be too careful.
I'm environmentally conscious.
Sharp my ass.
Good evening, miss. Will anyone else be
joining you? Yes. A friend. A
colleague. It's a work dinner.
Well, I'll be back with the specials once
your date arrives. No,
no, no. He's not my date.
May I tell you that you're lovely.
I am so sorry that I am later trying to
get a car. And for what it's worth, I had
no idea this place was going to be this
nice. But you look amazing. Thank you.
Welcome to L'Ouet. May I offer you a
beverage? Yeah, please. How about a
bottle of champagne, maybe two glasses?
Oh, no, no. I'm sorry. No
offense, but we're working.
None taken. I'll be right back.
So, where are you from?
Phoenix.
Do you have siblings?
No. Are your parents still together?
Mm-hmm.
Well, that's nice. Yeah, I'd
love to grow old with somebody.
Change their depends.
You know, I don't immediately go to poop
when I think about love, but... Yeah.
I would change an adult diaper if it was
in the name of love.
Here we are.
Thank you. Thank you.
Miss? Yeah.
Didn't want any. Thank you.
And for you, sir?
Thank you very much. Enjoy.
What do you say? To love?
Okay.
Listen, this is all very cute. Mm-hmm.
And you're smooth. Oh, thanks.
But I'm just trying to salvage whatever's
left of my career here, so can we skip
whatever this is and get
to cracking this campaign?
By all means. Okay.
I have a couple ideas in here. Some
probably suck, but I'm sure there's a
problem with something.
You've had your heart broken recently.
I'm sorry, what?
No, I just like to think I'm intuitive
with these things and...
Yeah, no. I did not get my heart broken
recently, and it's
really none of your business.
No, you're totally right. It's not.
Definitely not. Okay.
It's just your campaign.
Doom lovers, I mean, it
hardly screams romance to me.
The most romantic
stories of all time are doomed.
You've got husbands, wives, partners,
twin flames, soulmates, whatever you want
to call it, it's all going to end.
It's just a matter of time before someone
cheats, bails, or dies.
What about butterflies in your stomach?
A lightning bolt to the
heart, cozy Sundays in bed.
What's next, birth charts
and long walks on the beach?
I like those things, but I
get it. Not for everyone.
You want to know how I
feel about romance? Yeah.
It's a farce.
A lie.
Not to everyone, I know that. Some people
get really lucky and stumble into
something real and forever,
but the other 99% of us are just bouncing
from one failed experiment to the next,
chasing the same regurgitated fairy tale
bullshit that's been stuffed into our
brain since we were kids.
Prince Charming?
Till you catch him fucking your sister. I
thought you were an only child.
It's a metaphor, Jesus.
My point is, it's not real.
And somehow I landed a job that forces me
to propagate a fantasy in order to sell
blood diamonds harvested
from third world slave labor,
so please forgive me if I'm not swept
away by your magical
notions of romance, Jay.
Wow.
That's really...
What?
Sad.
Why are you single?
Are you really looking for love? Or are
you just another fake-ass, hoe-hunting,
ankle-cuff prick in a suit?
Oh my God.
You don't know me. And you don't get to
cast judgment just because I
don't think like you, okay?
Yeah, um...
I think you were right.
Tonight's a bad night.
I should just let you clear your head.
Don't worry about the
champagne. It's on Krista.
Jay! Jay, I'm sorry, okay? You win.
Listen, I told you it was fine and I
meant it. It's all good.
No, I had a really rough day and I took
it out on you and that was shitty and
wrong and... Jay,
please, I can't lose this job.
I am not gonna take your job.
Although it does seem like you don't
really want this job,
but this is me, so...
I'm gonna go back to the hotel,
brainstorm some creative
so you can salvage from me.
Ali?
Colin! What are you doing here?
Well, Sienna and I are on a
little dinner date, actually.
I've heard so much
about you. Really? Why?
And you are?
Jay, I'm Ali's boyfriend.
I didn't know you had a boyfriend.
Yeah!
Yeah, I mean, why would you? It's not
like I publicised it on
social media or anything.
Well, it's nice to meet you, Jay.
Pleasure. So, dinner, huh?
Yeah, it was supposed to be a double
date, but unfortunately...
What does that mean?
You know the couple that
got murdered up at the winery.
What, you know them?
We worked together. Played racquetball.
Racquetball? It's tragic, really.
Still kept the reservation.
Dinner.
Of course. In their honour.
Wow. Well, a lot to eat
in there and it's good.
We should go.
See you, Ali, as well.
Oh, it's a sexy dress.
You guys have a good dinner.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy V-Day!
Don't get killed, alright?
What was...
Why would he say that?
That was weird. Oh,
you're coming with me.
Oh, so embarrassing.
[music]
Thank you.
No, not a problem.
[music]
So is it the accent? Is that what it is?
I really love that fucking accent.
I can't stand it now.
Brits are so unemotional.
Well, that would explain
the dead friend's resi.
Love. He's a beautiful thing.
Oh, we just work
together. No, we're not a couple.
But you just kiss, no?
Oh, see, no, that was a performance to
seem maybe more desirable and perhaps
less pathetic in front of a rax.
Oh, you love Spotify.
I have ultimate sexiest playlist.
Yeah, we're... No, we're okay. Thank you.
Can we add a stop?
Again, I'm really sorry about tonight. I
swear I'm not a lunatic.
That's exactly what I
think a lunatic would say.
Okay.
Have fun at your best
friend's wedding. Thank you.
Okie dokie.
What the...
No!
Next stop, 2640 Westlake Avenue South.
Hey, can you hold off a second? I think
she locked herself out.
You know what you should do?
You should go to her, tell her you love
her, then never let her go.
Right. Right. Yeah, you
just keep that meter running.
Howdy. Everything okay?
No. No, I think I left my keys in a
dressing room somewhere.
Oh.
Oh my God, this night
could not get any worse.
Have a spare hidden?
Yeah, under a mat. Upstairs.
It's okay, I'll just break the window.
No, what? Are you talking
about breaking windows? No.
No, it's fine. My landlord loves me.
Well, if you're serious, maybe you just,
you know, let me do it.
I can break a window.
No, I know you can break a window, but if
you cut yourself, I'll be...
I'm not gonna cut myself.
Knock yourself out.
Just know I don't condone
this. I worry for your safety.
And you're punching with your thumb
inside your hand,
which is not a good thing.
Okay, yeah, you're gonna do it. Yeah, why
don't you hold that.
Okay, prepared.
Eh, not so bad. That's bad.
I'm so sorry this is all my fault.
I'm sorry I'm
bleeding all over your floor.
Here, okay, let's run
in under some water.
Thanks.
Okay, you're just gonna
wash up in here for a second.
Sorry, it's so messy. I had a house
cleaner, but she won the
lottery last week and fired me.
Really? How does stitching win?
Um, like a million dollars.
Damn.
Well, I hope you find the replacement.
Soon.
Oh, cute.
I was Pikachu for Halloween, too.
Oh, yeah. That wasn't Halloween.
Well, what was it?
It was Tuesday. Yeah,
I was pretty obsessed.
Or that shit everywhere.
Take that.
It was on your shelf.
No, I really wasn't expecting company.
Ever?
Why don't you just take a seat while I
look for the first aid kit?
Huh.
Found it.
Jay.
Excuse you.
I'm sorry. I don't want to
sit on your nice clothes.
Oh.
Will you relax?
It's just a very expensive jacket.
Let's see your hand.
Careful now.
Does it hurt?
No, actually. You're really good at this.
Did you go to med school or something?
I dropped out, actually.
I really can't do blood.
No way.
No way.
Well, I think you're doing a pretty good
job right now if I do say so myself.
Oh.
This is why we dropped out of med school
and pivoted to advertising.
You're funny.
Am I?
I think so, yeah.
Would you mind my hair
falling off my face? Thank you.
Okay.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
So, do you mind my asking what kind of
medicine you were planning on going into?
Nephrology.
That's the liver.
Kidneys.
Nailed it.
Yeah.
Well, why that?
I had a family member
that was pretty sick.
Guess I... I don't know.
Thought I could fix people.
Anyway, now I'm considered homophobic.
Oh.
That didn't take you for a bigot.
Okay.
Between that and coffee maids, your dad
jokes are top notch.
I'm being facetious, obviously.
Your jokes are cheesy as f-
Ellie!
Ellie!
Fuck you!
Run!
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
You!
What are you doing?
Get your mind out of the gutter.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
You got it?
Yes.
Oh, good job.
Thanks.
Hey, you good?
Yeah.
Help! He's trying to kill us!
Okay, he's alive, buddy.
No, no, no, no, he's
not the wrong people!
Hey, what are you doing?
We killed couples,
right? We're not a couple.
We barely know each other.
So back the fuck off!
911, what's your emergency?
No!
No!
Help!
Help!
Help her!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What?
Did you hear that?
I don't hear anything.
Shit!
Ali!
Get over her!
Take it! [panting]
[panting]
[dramatic music]
[screams]
[tapping]
[grunts]
[tires screech]
[grunts]
[grunts]
[screams]
No!
[grunts]
[growls]
[screams]
[screams]
[screams]
[grunts]
No!
No! No!
No!
No!
[screams]
No!
My God!
Here!
Wait.
He was--he was right here.
I'll go check it out.
Oh my God, Jay.
Jay, is he okay?
I don't know who you're talking about.
Jay Simmons!
We were with each other all night and we
got attacked and we
got separated back there.
I--
You just--
No, I didn't leave him!
All units, all units, stand down.
Jesus.
You got that motherfucker!
CRPD, baby!
Fuck yeah!
[phone rings]
Yeah.
Congratulations.
[phone rings]
Gun!
Hey!
Hey, you need a backup.
Fucking weirdos.
Detectives.
Here she is.
Detective Zeke Hobbs.
This is my partner,
Detective Jeanine Shaw.
Hobbs and Shaw?
Like, the movie?
I haven't seen it.
We're here to idea a murderer.
Oh my God, Jay?
Jay!
Jay, are you okay?
Mm-mm.
Jay!
Nope.
Jay, are you okay?
Uh, no, Allie.
I'm not okay.
Thank you for asking.
You ditched me.
What?
I did not ditch you.
Oh, yes, you did.
You absolutely ditched me.
We were a team.
I was being chased by a
fucking serial killer.
I know.
I also was being
chased by a serial killer.
What the fuck does that mean?
Jay, you're dull and ripped and
imperfectly capable
of defending yourself.
Allie, I really appreciate the
compliments, especially coming from you.
But right now is not the time, okay?
These muscles were not made for violence.
They're for cuddling.
Okay.
Guys, this was not him.
We were together all night.
Hard Eyes was after both of us.
Ma'am, we found this man
in the park wearing this.
And in possession of this.
Come on!
No, that's not possible.
Jay didn't do this.
Maybe.
Maybe Jay wasn't acting alone.
What?
What?
We're gonna have to take your tall,
ripped friend in for questioning.
Oh!
Ho ho!
Hey, good going.
Really great.
See you in the station, I guess.
Fuck.
What is this?
It's a ring.
Read it.
Read what?
Let me help you out.
Let me help you out.
This is JS.
As in, Jay Simmons.
You are really good.
You're really good at detective work.
That was really impressive.
That's orgasm.
A, I am not married.
B, why would I leave a wedding band at
the scene of the crime?
And C, who gets their own initials
engraved in their own
fucking wedding band?
Also D, yes, that was sarcasm.
Hey, hey, hey!
Come on, huts!
Take five.
Go!
Go.
Pull down.
Come on.
Come on.
I'm sorry.
He can get a little hot under the collar.
Yeah, no kidding.
Do you need anything?
Water, coffee?
I am fine.
Thank you very much.
Okay.
Just you and me.
I want you to look me in the eyes.
And tell me the truth.
All right.
How long have you known Ellie?
14 hours.
You seem to care about her.
Yeah, maybe I do.
With that ring, that's...
it's not yours, correct?
No, again, I am not married.
I'm not married.
I mean, it's not like
by choice or anything.
I just haven't met the right person.
You're telling me.
Your...
Single.
Shocker.
Kind of.
No, do you really, um...
Okay.
Lady, I have been
waiting here for over an hour.
First of all, it's officer's second.
I already told you they're
interrogating the suspect.
And I already told you they're
interrogating the wrong guy.
Can you please just go back there and
give me some sort of information?
I'm sorry, Fran. The
ethernet cable was off, afraid.
Should be working out.
Thanks, David.
It's a five-letter word
for a dog, ending in "H."
Bitch.
Excuse me.
Female dog.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Can you please go back there now and give
me some sort of update?
Fine, thank you.
Hey.
Do we know each other?
No, I don't think so.
Bumble.
Yeah, no, I'm not on the apps.
Oh. It's a waste of time anyway.
Just shooting my shot here.
Um, could I take you
out to coffee sometime?
I'll pay for it.
I almost got murdered tonight.
I am so sorry.
Yeah.
Um, stay safe.
Have a good night.
Thank you.
Who the hell is everybody?
Celebrating.
They caught heart ice.
So what else do you want to tell me?
Not a serial killer.
So there's that.
Were you in Boston in February of 23 and
Philadelphia in February of 24?
I...
Let me rephrase.
You were in Boston and Philly.
Same dates and locations as H.E.K.'s two
prior killings sprees.
Jay, I gotta admit.
That doesn't look very good.
I don't know what you want me to say.
I'm a freelancer, so,
yeah, I travel for, like, work.
Do you ever get lonely?
On the road?
I like to think that I
can keep myself busy.
Yeah?
How?
How do you blow off steam when you're
alone with your thoughts, Jay?
Do you go to a vineyard?
Have you a spa?
Holy...
Holy...
Hello?
Detective.
We got an H.W.W. up front.
What do you want me to do with her?
An H.W.W.
Historical white woman.
I'll handle her.
You sit tight.
We're not done yet.
I'll be here.
When you've been expected, you all know
one of the many men every
toy from his tour guide.
And if you found something in the butcher
meat, you then call H.W.W.
It's your turn.
What the hell are you doing?
God!
Bless the U.S.A.
I told you.
I'm so sorry.
You letting him go?
Not yet.
Why the hell not? He's innocent.
Well, then tell me something. Why is the
Hard-Ace killer after
him? You're not a couple.
I don't know. I assume he saw us and
thought we were together.
Why?
We...
Kissed.
We had to... We had to kiss.
We had to kiss because my ex, he was
there and I was jealous.
It's really stupid. I know. Okay.
I get it.
I do.
So you're not
interested in him, romantically?
Why is that relevant?
Just girl talk.
He's cute. He has a really good job.
Perfect candidate for a
little girl like yourself.
A little girl like myself?
Ah!
Oh, relax. Probably just the breaker.
That's what people say
before they get stabbed to death.
How would you know?
Watch her.
No, no, no, no. She's got to watch me.
Oh, yeah. I'm just getting a flashlight.
A little space? Any
closer, you'd be inside me.
I'm sorry. I'm just scared.
No, no, no. Careful. He hides in closets.
No killer's in here.
No!
No! No! No!
Help!
Hey, what's happening here?
Go! Get back! Get back!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, where
are you going? I'm coming!
Don't worry, lover boy. I'll protect you.
No, no, no.
Shaw!
Shaw!
Shaw! Shaw!
Jay?
Jay?
Jay, can you hear me?
Yes, yes. Ali, Ali,
you've got to find the keys.
Uh, Hobbs has the keys. Okay, you have to
find Hobbs because he
locked me in the locker.
Fucking asshole.
Ali?
Ali.
Duh, she ditched me.
That's okay.
Ali.
Hey.
Come on.
Hey, come on.
This is not fair!
No!
Die.
Jay!
Careful, don't!
Hi.
Are you okay?
You're a terrible shot, by the way.
Don't fucking push it, Romeo.
Okay.
No!
Ali! No!
No, no, no!
You saved my life.
You saved mine.
How did you win?
We're not together!
Don't kill somebody else!
Get up, get up, get up, get
up, get up, get up, get up!
Oh, fuck.
Do you know what we just did?
Yeah, we led a couples
killing maniac to a, uh...
Two in all you can kill, Buffet.
Okay. You know what, Lorenzo?
Okay.
Are you kidding me?
Oh, shit.
Yo, that costume is dope!
I don't like that.
What the fuck?
What's up, man?
Excuse us.
What a creep.
What I came up here to tell you is that
you must stop calling me for a second
word a day, sending me 20 seconds.
Uh, laughing, go.
Right, go, go, go, go.
This is what I have to say.
Turn.
In here.
In here.
Put a fucking shoot on,
there's a killer after us.
What is it?
The hard-hiced killer.
He's out there right now.
We need to be quiet.
Oh, dude, that's so hot.
We love role-playing.
Oh, my God, he's coming.
We're so dead.
Oh, he's so scary.
Oh, he can't stay here.
Maybe we lay low for a little bit.
I actually kind of like this movie.
Yeah, you like that?
Really?
Yeah, are you surprised?
A little bit, yeah.
Oh, no.
I did ditch you.
Oh, no.
No, ditch me.
It's what I'm best at.
Ditching people?
Running.
Hey, I was holding my own.
You didn't see me shaking.
Those little leather boots.
Jay, I wasn't entirely honest at dinner.
My parents had this,
like, storybook romance.
They were literally perfect together.
And then my dad died.
And I don't think my
mom ever fully recovered.
I'm sorry.
You know, when I was a kid,
my parents just hated each other.
I mean, they fought all the time.
I think that is why I'm just this, um,
capitalist romantic.
Just putting every girl
I fall for on a pedestal,
only to have my heart
broken over and over and over.
Keep going.
Only because they...
they just can't breathe
in my suffocating attempt
to prove mom and dad wrong.
No, I think...
I think tonight should have been, like,
the worst night of my life.
But it isn't.
They don't.
Baby, you're so wet.
God, you're so hard.
At least they're having fun.
Holy shit.
Those come around.
You know it's too early.
Shut the fuck up.
Shut up.
Shut the fuck up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Oh, yeah.
[screaming]
Holy shit.
Someone call 911!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
[screaming]
Please, no!
Please, no!
[screaming]
[screaming]
[screaming]
[screaming]
[crying]
[crying]
[crying] [screaming]
What are you--
Hey, Callie, what are you doing?
Wait.
Wait for what?
He's gonna kill us.
And if he doesn't kill us,
he's gonna keep killing people.
We brought him here.
We ended here.
Come on.
I thought we were a team.
[music playing]
[music playing]
[screaming]
Hey, fuck I!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
We need a weapon.
I have this.
That is not a weapon.
That could work.
I don't think I can do that.
Oh, yeah.
Yes, you can.
Come on.
[screaming]
Yeah, right!
Callie!
[screaming]
[grunting]
[grunting]
No.
[screaming]
Oh, shit.
[screaming]
[screaming]
Thanks a lot, Jay.
What?
You got it in my mouth.
It just saved your life.
Oh my God, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Oh, hey.
Oh, no, no, no.
[coughing]
I told you I was not good with blood.
No kidding.
[sighing]
Who the fuck is that?
I have no idea.
[crashing]
You two, you're gonna be famous.
The couple that stopped our eyes.
That's very cute.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm gonna leave you alone now.
[footsteps]
Hey, they come over here.
Showing the dark here.
I'm gonna come back to my hotel and try
and crack this campaign before my flight.
Just actually ate some dinner.
We're at a whole bunch of room service.
Jay, you can't?
[sighing]
[door creaking]
Hey, you two.
Just wanna make sure
you both got home safe.
Either of you need a lift.
Um, actually, I suppose you have a phone
just so I can call a cab.
No, don't be silly.
I'll give you a ride home.
At least I can do.
You're cherry to wait.
Okay.
Work call later?
Sounds like a plan.
Hey, uh, does anyone have a pen?
I got you, dude.
Okay.
Can I see that?
[phone ringing]
That's me.
Your chariot awaits.
She's not my type.
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
Hey, um, I got another call, so I'm just
gonna have to take that.
And that, too.
[phone ringing] [phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
Hey, do you need a ride?
[phone ringing]
Hey.
Um, do you have
something you wanna tell me?
Oh, you're never gonna
believe what happened.
Hello, heart eyes? Are you kidding me?
Hey, are you okay? Tell me the truth. Do
you need to come over?
I can sleep in Arthur's panic room.
No, I hate this feeling.
What feeling?
Liking someone.
God, I fucked up.
I fucked up, Mon. I met a really, really
great guy, and now he's gone.
Where is he?
At the airport.
Oh.
Okay, great. He's at
the airport. Go get him.
I-- Hey, Ali? Ali, listen to me. You
deserve to be happy.
You deserve to have someone love you for
the beautiful,
neurotic mess that you are.
I mean, you could be
so clueless sometimes.
It's one of the ten
things I hate about you.
Honestly, you can't let Jay go off to his
best friend's wedding
and hook up with a bunch of bridesmaids
and move to Notting Hill.
No. This is love, Mama.
Some kind of
wonderful, crazy, stupid love.
Actually...
Go get him. Go get that
beautiful, melanin man.
Okay?
It's gorgeous.
Oh, my God.
You gotta go. You
gotta get it right there.
I'm going.
I love you. You're beautiful.
This is your final call for all
passengers on flight 403 to Boston.
Thank you.
Jay?
Please have your boarding
pass at the station ready.
Jay!
Thank you. Jay?
Jay?
Jay?
Jay?
Sorry!
Jay?
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I
thought you were somebody else.
Sorry.
Your flight is boarded
and ready for departure.
Please make your way to the
main lounge 11 immediately.)
Hello?
Roses are red.
Millets are black.
Guess who's with me and not coming back?
Who is this?
We've met before.
Forget me not.
(I tell it not! Don't do this!)
St. Valentine's Chapel.
Come alone or he dies.
Okay.
Call for help.
He dies.
Okay. Just please don't hurt him.
That's up to you, sweetheart.
They say love is blind.
And lovers cannot see.)
(The pretty follies that
they themselves commit.)
(Where love isn't blind.)
Is it?
Wait, you're...
It's me.
David.
The IT guy.
Who the fuck did we kill then?
Eli.
Poor, stupid Eli.
You guys were a couple?
Couple? No.
Thrupple.
Love looks with eyes wide open.
Seeking what the heart desires the most.
Partner.
It's true companion.
I found mine ten
years ago in a chat room.
David saw me, he
understood me, and I understood him.
We got married here.
Yeah.
You know, I didn't really
take you for the religious type.
No.
I just like this story.
St. Valentine...
...was beheaded.
You murdered innocent people.
Show what you love.
Show what you love.
And we love hunting.
Killing.
Deceit.
Taking turns on our victims.
Murdering couples.
Is our kick.
Everybody's got to fetish.
Well, too bad we wasted
your boyfriend at the drive-in.
Oh, God.
He wasn't a boyfriend.
No, Eli was just a stupid fanboy.
He was obsessed with us.
He was obsessed with me.
Yeah, he learned a lot from me.
You just got messy.
I almost got you at home.
I killed your driver.
No!
You're not throwing people!
What are you doing?
And I had a blast wasting those vile
dickheads at the winer.
That reminds me.
Oh.
Found this.
God.
You're the fucking best.
Isn't she the fucking best?
Yeah, I know.
And as luck would have
it, your initials matched.
Jay Shaw.
Janine Shaw, bitch.
Why us?
We're not even a couple.
Just let him go.
Let him go.
Truth be told, we were going to kill the
other couple at the restaurant.
But then, we saw that kiss.
Oh, that kiss.
God.
Your chemistry is undeniable.
Well, I didn't know that
murder was a love language.
Try it.
Maybe you'll like it.
Pick it up.
Pick it up.
There's a single bullet in that chamber
with one single choice.
Him or you?
We may have mistaken you for lovers at
the beginning of the night,
but can you prove us right?
Could you save his life with yours,
thus proving that love
really does conquer all?
If you don't love him, kill him.
And you're free to go.
Wow.
You know, your dedication is impressive.
Just twist it as fuck, but...
Jane.
I spent so long running from love.
Convinced it would destroy me.
I don't want to be that person anymore.
I want the storybook thing.
It was just one single night.
It was just one single night.
But I fell hard for you, Jane.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, don't do that.
No, no, no.
Hey, hey, hey, no, no, no, no.
Forgive me.
Ali!
Oh, no.
Baby, no!
Oh, you shot me.
Sorry. I overcorrected.
It's a lucky fucking shot.
Ali, would you be what you said?
Go on.
Okay.
Chop that pretty boy up. I'm
gonna have fun with this one.
No, no.
Oh, yes, Mommy.
No, no, don't you fucking catch him!
You shouldn't have shot me, bitch.
Hey, hey, come on.
Look at her grow.
Oh, you don't want to miss this, do you?
Isn't she perfect?
You talk too much.
I'm gonna fucking kill you, boo.
You watching, Jay?
I want you to see her die.
Love hurts, bitch.
[crying]
[screaming]
[thunder]
[screaming]
[crunching]
Your day fucking sucks.
[dramatic music]
Jay.
Jay.
[crying]
How are you?
[crying]
I think you got over your fear of blood.
[screaming]
Fuck, really?
That's fucking hell, dad!
That's fucking hell, man!
You're a failure.
[crunching]
[crying]
Planet saved.
Planet saved.
[thunder]
[applause]
Now, if you told me that a year ago, I'd
be drinking the highest
recorded sales in crystal
cane history, I'd say, "Y'all just a line
stack of hot trash."
What?
Here we are.
And it's all thanks to
these two marketing mavens.
[cheering]
Right here.
Thank you.
Now, Ella, I am, believe it or not,
mildly devastated that
this is your last day.
But I'm proud of you for going pursuing
your dreams, going back to doctor school.
All told, I really do hope that you're
better with a needle than
you are with a pitch deck.
To Nick's house!
To success!
Wait.
To love.
Hey, baby.
Hi.
What did I miss?
Hey, do you think it's weird having a
date here after everything that happened?
Nope, not to me.
This is where I realized
I was in love with you.
So, I feel symbolic.
Okay, symbolic.
Do you think it's some--
Listen, don't freak out.
Don't freak out.
I know stuff like this
can freak you out, but...
Ella, this has been
the best year of my life.
So...
Willy, you move in with me.
Jay, I...
I don't know what to say.
Yeah, no, I know where
that's going. That's okay.
No, I don't want to key.
I don't want to key.
I don't want you.
[sighs]
Jay Simmons.
Will you marry me?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, yes, a million fucking times.
Yes.
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
Hello?
Who is this?
Relax, bitch.
Tucson? Monica, that's not funny.
Where are you?
Did you get it?
Of course I got it. Are you kidding me?
You look super cute.
I mean, I would have gotten a manicure,
but I told you that,
and you're fine with that.
You're a natural gal. You look great.
Okay, enjoy the movie, Fiancees.
Love you.
Ali?
Hello?
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]