Heather McMahan: Son I Never Had (2023) Movie Script
1
[jazz music playing]
McMahan, you have got this.
You are prepared.
You were destined to do this.
You are beautiful.
You are smart.
And most importantly, you are respected.
How long is this going to take?
- I'm hungry, Heather.
- I don't know, Mom.
This is the night of my special.
It takes however long it takes.
But we are going to a restaurant, right?
I don't know where
we're going to eat afterwards.
Did you want to make a reservation?
I didn't make a reservation.
I've got to do everything.
Mom, is Dad here?
He's been dead for seven years, Heather.
Mom, I know that he's been dead,
but did you bring him?
- What? Oh, you mean the urn.
- Yes.
Yeah. I think he's in here.
It's either him or Mimi.
- You don't know who it is?
- It's probably Dad.
Thank you. Can I have him?
- He's heavy.
- I know.
[upbeat jazz music playing]
[male announcer] Without further ado,
please welcome to the stage
Heather McMahan.
[audience cheering and applauding]
[cheering continues]
[cheering intensifies]
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
[cheering subsiding]
Y'all sit down.
Oh Jesus.
Oh Lord.
I ripped my pussy, Kentucky. Hold on.
[audience laughing]
Oh.
How are we doing, Lexington, Kentucky?
[audience cheering]
So let's get right into it. Who's feeling
fat tonight? You know what I mean?
- [audience cheering]
- Oh yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. It's okay.
This is a safe space, okay?
We can talk about how we really feel.
Listen, I know I'm a thicker girl.
You know, I'm a proud size 14,
and I really get annoyed
with this whole
body positivity movement, right?
And you'd think I'd be into it, right?
Like, we're finally accepted,
especially in Hollywood.
But to me, it's actually bullshit,
because I've always been confident
in who I am, right?
I've always known
I was drop-dead gorgeous,
and it's like...
[chuckling] Of course.
[audience cheering]
But of course,
doesn't it feel like bullshit
that now Hollywood and all
these big brands have caught up, right?
And now they've gone the other way,
the total opposite way.
You can't even,
as a woman these days, be honest
about how you feel about yourself, right?
Because it's like toxic positivity.
They're like, "You've got
to love yourself every day, always,
even on your period, bitch."
[audience laughing]
You're like, "My tits are sore.
My pussy is just full."
[audience laughing]
"I don't know what it's full with,
but it just feels very full."
[audience laughing]
And I don't care how much
you love yourself, right?
We have all gotten to that point
where we've just had
that honest conversation with ourself,
where we have hit our emergency weight.
Right? Yeah.
For those of y'all who don't know
what emergency weight is,
you're naturally thin,
and everyone fucking hates you.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Couple of thin bitches in the back like,
"I have no idea what she's talking about."
[audience laughing]
Let me explain to you
what emergency weight is, okay?
Now, my emergency weight ranges
from an extra like five to 73 lbs,
you know what I'm saying?
[audience laughing]
Yeah.
This is how you know if you've ever hit
your emergency weight, okay?
So you're walking through,
like, the hall in your house.
You're just walking through the hall,
and you catch a glimpse of yourself
in the hall mirror,
and you just go, "What the fuck?!"
[audience laughing]
And you just call 911, because you have
no idea who's staring back at you.
"Oh my God, oh my God, am I bleeding?
Oh my God, somebody came by my house."
"I... I've been stabbed. What is that?
What, is that blood? Is that...?"
"That is actually marinara. I, um..."
[audience laughing]
"...forgot I was eating
fried raviolis in bed
while watching Gilmore Girls last night."
[audience cheers]
"My b."
I always know, there's a tell-tale sign,
when I've hit my emergency weight, okay?
It's this one test.
Like, you know, I've been out all day,
and I come home,
and I'm ready to do
the sex with my husband,
um... I don't know about you, but like,
you know, you're taking off your jeans,
and I have never had a child,
but right now I just have
like a deep cesarean scar,
just like running through my fupa.
[audience laughing]
Just is like Old Navy embossed in my skin.
[audience laughing]
Just like, right there.
My husband's like,
"Goddamn it, did the cat get you?
What are those, claw marks?"
[audience laughing]
My zipper's just been
[screaming] screaming.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "No, baby, no baby.
Just give me 45 minutes,
let me just rub it out.
The blood will come back."
"And my pussy will not be purple.
Just give me a minute."
[sighs]
With his whole body positivity movement,
I just feel like
some of us have been left behind.
Do you know what I mean?
And I just have a major bone to pick with,
there's one particular woman
who I just think did us really, you know,
raw dog dirty, and um...
that's motherfucking Adele, okay?
[audience cheering]
You know it.
You know it.
You know it.
That bitch just like, popped out of a bush
in London, snatch to the gods.
[audience laughing]
[singing] Hello
[audience laughing]
It's me
[in British accent]
"Time for a lifestyle change, bitch."
- And then just like, hung up the phone.
- [audience laughing]
The fuck? I didn't see it coming.
You didn't either.
This woman lost 100 pounds
on us, okay? And it's bullshit.
I know what you're thinking.
You're too hard on her.
She was going through a divorce.
You know, we're all about self...
self-care and taking care of yourself,
and I love that she got healthy.
But it's bullshit, because every...
- [laughs]
- [audience laughing]
[audience cheers]
The ladies will get this.
When, say... okay.
Say you're in a group with, say,
five girls in a group, right?
There's always at least
two of us who are like
members of the chub club,
you know what I mean?
Just like firm foundations.
[audience laughing]
And we have a code of ethics,
a morality clause.
[audience laughing]
If at any point overnight,
you know, on a whim,
you just decide to lose 100 lbs...
[audience laughing]
...you know what
the first fucking thing you do is?
Call the other fat chick
and let her know it's coming.
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering and applauding]
Adele could have like, beat me, tweet me,
sent me a Facebook Messenger
I don't know how to open.
She could have serenaded me
on my voicemail, like,
[singing] Hello from the skinny side
You've got to put down the fries
Nothing.
The bitch didn't call me.
[audience laughing]
You know who else is a traitor?
Rebel Fucking Wilson.
- [audience laughing]
- Yeah.
Yeah.
You know it. Fat Amy is no longer fat.
[audience laughing]
And I think the one
that hurts the most is our girl.
She was one of us.
She was one of us, and now she's gone
over to the dark thin side.
I'm talking about Khlo, K Money.
You know it.
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
She's wasting away.
If a strong breeze comes
through the hills of Calabasas,
that bitch is taking flight.
[audience laughing]
And I know this sounds shallow.
I know that what I'm saying sounds vain.
But I just have this deep fantasy, right?
I just want for once in my life
for my friends,
Adele, Rebel Wilson, and Khlo,
to take me to
a Cheesecake Factory one day,
and they sit me down at the table,
and they say,
"Heather, we ordered your favorite.
Cheeseburger, egg rolls,
and an Oreo cheesecake."
"And we brought you here today
because we just want you to know,
we are so concerned
you are too thin."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
"What, me? No!"
"Oh my God."
[audience laughing]
It's my dream.
I just want somebody for once in my life
to be concerned about my weight loss.
[audience laughing]
And listen, I was watching
my therapist the other day
on TikTok and...
[audience laughing]
Oh, yeah. My therapist is Tik-Tok. So...
And she was saying, she was like,
"Heather, would you talk
to your eight-year-old self
the way you have been talking
to your adult self?"
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
And I was like, "Yes. Yes, I would."
[audience laughing]
I would want little baby Heather to know
that two weeks before she's going to shoot
her first comedy special,
she has to find a special atelier
that can sew two Gucci jackets together,
because the brand doesn't make her size.
[audience laughing and applauding]
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
It's called Empowering the Youth:
Education for America.
[audience laughing]
And I'm not being hard on myself.
My entire life, I just grew up
being constantly reminded that, like,
I looked different
than the rest of my family.
Now, let me describe
what my family looks like, right?
My mom is like Judge Judy
with a Boston accent.
[audience cheers]
My... my sister's like
a little Kourtney Kardashian
with baby bird bones.
You know, like, frail.
[audience laughing]
And my dad looked just like
Uncle Phil from
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, but white.
You know what I mean?
Like white Uncle Phil.
And then there was just me as a kid, like,
going through a hard power lesbian phase,
but without the girlfriend.
[audience laughing]
Any power lesbians in the house?
Hell yeah. One quiet bitch in the corner.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Hell yeah.
I want to paint a picture
of what baby Heather looked like, okay?
I'm eight years old, power lesbian phase.
I would always wear, like,
a long duckhead chino short
that just went, like,
right below the knee.
I'd always wear my dad
hand-me-down golf shirts,
just, like, tucked into the front.
[audience laughing]
I liked, like, a power blazer
in case I had to, like,
go to the bank or anything.
[audience laughing]
I'd wear a sensible Velcro sandal
in case I had to, like,
take off after my mom at Costco.
[audience laughing]
I really solidified the look
when I went to Great Clips one summer,
and I saw my stylist, Trish,
and I just go,
"Trish, I want you to get out the buzzers
and hit the nape of my neck."
[audience laughing]
"I want to feel that sweet Georgia heat
just running down my spine."
[audience laughing]
Hell yeah.
She gave me a haircut
that was very similar to yours, sir.
- [audience laughing]
- Yeah. Hell yeah.
I fucked it up. I fucked it up good.
I was a beefy little kid, and I owned it.
And my dad, whenever I'd play sports,
my dad would always just, like,
come over to the sidelines,
and he'd like, put his hand
on my thick neck, just right there.
[audience laughing]
He'd be like, "Let me tell you
something here, the right now."
[audience laughing]
"Goddamn it."
"With those shoulders, you could be
on the O line for the Atlanta Falcons."
[audience laughing]
"You are the son I never had."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Yes, sir."
[audience laughing]
Yeah.
When you're a little chubby
eight-year-old girl
and your dad looks you dead in the eyes
and says, "You're the son I never had,"
I took that to heart.
[audience laughing]
I knew I had a job to do
to protect the family, to really step in.
I would do things that only sons would do
all the time, right?
Like, if my mom needed me like,
move a baby grand piano, I was just like,
"Heather will do it. It's fine."
[audience laughing]
"She's seven and a half. She can move it
from the front to the attic. It's fine."
[audience laughing]
I took my job so seriously.
In fact, we would get these deliveries
of Poland Springs water
every two weeks, okay?
Now, my parents had one
of these Poland Springs water jugs,
like a water cooler
that you'd see in an office, right?
And they had one up in their bedroom.
And, um...
[audience laughing]
I have not worked through
why they were that thirsty.
[audience laughing]
Jesus Christ, I've got to call
my therapist on TikTok.
[audience laughing]
Every two weeks,
so my parents would get a new delivery,
a five-gallon jug of water, right?
So I would literally be standing
at the edge of my driveway,
and I was best friends
with the water delivery guy.
He was 34. His name was Chad.
[audience laughing]
And he would literally... I would see him
getting the water out of the truck
and he'd have to put it on, like,
a dolly with wheels on it,
because it was too heavy for him.
And he would carry it
up the driveway, like,
ring, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting!
Ring, ting, ting, ting, ting!
And I would get to the edge
of the garage, right?
I've got my blazer on, my chinos.
[audience laughing]
And I'd just look at him and go,
"Put that shit on my back, Chad!
Let's go, Doggy!"
[audience laughing]
And this 34-year-old man would strap
a five gallon jug on my...
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
...my eight-year-old back,
just wrap it around my blazer.
[audience laughing]
And I would carry that shit up two flights
of stairs, just like, "Oh!"
"Oh! Oh! Oh!"
I get that shit upstairs, tip it over,
and I wouldn't spill an ounce.
[audience laughing]
And then I'd just be like, "Fuck you, Dad.
I'll see you at gymnastics."
[audience laughing]
Do you know what it's like to be
a chubby kid at summer camp?
You know, it's day four.
You know, they're doing
all that camp camaraderie.
You're supposed to do some...
some learning exercises,
some team-building exercises
with your other bunk mates.
I'm 11 years old.
I'm standing on the edge of a rock,
ready to do a trust fall.
[audience laughing]
And I just look back
and the only thing I see is
this small boy named Ronnie
with a No Fear t-shirt on.
[audience laughing]
And he is just full of fear.
[audience laughing]
I'm so embarrassed I have to grab
my camp counselor and be like,
"Emily, I will not leave this camp
with Ronnie's blood on my hands."
[audience laughing]
Even when I got older and I blossomed
into a young woman, right, I developed,
I turned into this young woman, um...
I was ready to study abroad in college,
and my sister and I studied abroad
the same summer.
She went to London and I went to Italy.
Now, the same year I studied abroad,
the movie Taken had just come out.
Remember the movie, Taken?
Yeah. With Liam Neeson, you remember.
Everybody's dads
were freaking the fuck out.
[audience laughing]
So I'm getting ready. It's a couple, like,
days before I'm supposed to leave.
I'm out running errands,
and I come home one day, and I just see
my dad and my sister in the backyard doing
what I can only describe
as like, Israeli military drills, okay?
[audience laughing]
My sister is, like, jumping through hoops,
throwing a Chinese star,
working fucking nunchucks.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "What the fuck, Dad?"
Nobody told me about
this family safety briefing.
[audience laughing]
My dad just goes, "Where you going again?"
"Oh yeah. That's right. Italy."
"Baby girl, I don't know
how to tell you this, but...
it would take at least seven Italian dudes
to throw your ass in the back of a van."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
"I'm not worried about you one bit."
[audience laughing]
And then he just, like, drove my ass
to the airport and was like, arrivederci.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
Well, enough about my childhood trauma,
let's talk about adult trauma, okay?
[audience laughing]
Listen, we're working
through this shit together.
This is what my, uh, therapist
on TikTok calls trauma bonding, all right?
We're in this together.
It's a safe space.
Just by round of applause,
if you feel comfortable, um...
how many people here are
in the dead dad club?
- [audience applauding and cheering]
- Yeah. Thank you for sharing.
Now listen, if you're not
in the dead dad club yet,
we are so jealous of you.
Obviously, take care of your fathers,
but we do have
an open and rolling admission,
and if at any time your dad does die, uh,
we meet every Father's Day
at the Buffalo Wild Wings by the Topgolf
near the... near the highway.
- So come on down.
- [audience cheering]
We get fucking ripped.
[audience laughing]
I share a lot about my life, but, um,
I never thought in a million years
I would lose my dad in the way that I did.
And I just want to say, if you're going
through anything like what I went through,
sometimes you just have to go
through the darkness to really understand
the bigger picture in the light.
I lost my dad seven years ago,
uh, to pancreatic cancer.
And sometimes, I get a little insecure.
Like, I don't know what to say to folks
when they reach out to me and say,
"Heather, I'm going through it too."
Or you know, "My mom just got diagnosed."
Or, "A loved one just got diagnosed,
they're going to do radiation or chemo."
Because we didn't have
that opportunity with my dad.
From the day of diagnosis
to the day of death,
it was only one week. Seven days.
Yeah.
I know, it's shocking. I mean, I've had
periods that have lasted longer than that.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
That's super fucked up.
[audience laughing]
I'm an action steps person though,
and as soon as we heard my dad got sick,
I knew that we had to get him
to the best care.
We flew him from Atlanta, Georgia,
to this hospital in Houston, Texas,
called MD Anderson.
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah.
They're amazing, okay? I'm so grateful
to the people at that hospital.
And we were waiting to find out
whether or not my dad could possibly have
a life-saving procedure.
So we're standing outside
of the hospital room,
and we're waiting on the doctor
to come give us the news.
And here comes the doctor,
and the only way to describe this man
is Enrique Fucking Iglesias.
[audience laughing]
I want you to picture
a smokey hospital corridor,
the most beautiful Latino man
you have ever seen
just, like, slowly making
his way towards us.
[audience screams]
This guy has on the tightest scrubs
you have ever seen.
[audience laughing]
The V in his scrubs in his top goes, like,
literally, all the way below his navel.
[audience laughing]
He's got a stethoscope around his neck
and a really long rosary bead,
because he's a good Catholic.
- [audience cheering]
- And it's...
it's so long it's just, like,
popping off the tip of his dick.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Yeah.
And you know,
because he's a beautiful Latino man,
he's got that gorgeous head of hair
and just keeps doing that...
you know when frat daddies
do that, like, frat swoop?
Or ladies, if you're trying to swallow
a fish oil pill and you're like,
[screaming]
[audience laughing]
Like that.
So this man pulls my mom, my sister,
and I outside of the hospital room,
and he just says,
"McMahan women, I just want you to know
that I would treat your father
as if he is my own."
"But unfortunately, in this situation,
there is nothing we can do."
This man is literally telling me
in this moment
that my dad's not going to make it.
But for some reason, all I can hear is...
[singing] Bailamos
Let the rhythm take you over
Bailamos
[audience cheering and applauding]
I take a minute.
I absorb the information.
I powder my puss a little bit.
[audience laughing]
And I walk into the hospital room.
My dad has just been told the news himself
from the doctor.
In a true Kyle McMahan fashion,
without skipping a beat, he just says,
"Listen, girls."
"I have never been a homosexual,
but that man was goddamn delicious,
and you know it."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
"And when I die,
one of y'all don't try and fuck him,
I will come back and haunt your ass."
[audience laughing]
So my sister had sex
with the anesthesiologist.
[audience cheering]
Yasss, bish.
Unfortunately, a couple of days later,
we lost my dad,
and what people don't tell you about,
like, the grieving process is, yeah,
you have your usual things, you know,
anger, resentment, bargaining, Xanax.
You know?
[audience laughing]
But they don't warn you
about the business of death.
Because when someone dies
you then have to, like, plan a funeral,
look at the will, figure out the estate,
figure out the taxes,
all of this paperwork.
And naturally, um, you know,
my family nominated me
to, like, go and plan the funeral, right?
So, I walk into the funeral home,
my mom and my sister are in tow,
and I put on one of my dad's blazers,
and I'm just like,
"Let's plan this fucking party."
[audience laughing]
So we... we sit down,
and we're ready to, like,
you know, pick up the casket
and plan everything.
And this sweet Southern woman
who's running this funeral home,
we've known her forever, and she comes up
to us, and she just says,
"Robin, Ashley, Heather,
I'm so sorry about your dear old dad."
"He was such a pillar of the community,
and I want y'all to know
that we are taking good care of you."
"So much so that when your daddy found out
he got sick, he immediately called us,
and he went ahead and prepurchased
his casket, and his burial plot of land,
because he didn't want y'all
to worry about a thing."
I thought this was such a tender thing.
Like, my dad didn't want us to worry.
She just goes,
"We just have one tiny problem."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "What's wrong, Sue Ellen?"
[audience laughing]
"I'm just going to come out
and say it. Well..."
"Your dad's too fat
for the casket he bought."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, wait. What the fuck?
Wait. How...?
I mean, I know he was a big guy,
but he, like, died of cancer.
Some might say this was
the best he had ever looked.
[audience laughing]
"Sweetheart, I don't know how to tell you
this, you know your daddy was a big man,
and he bought a regular-sized casket,
but he really needed, like,
a plus-sized casket, like..."
"Yeah, like, a Destination XL, Big & Tall,
Lane Bryant, you know the brands."
[audience laughing]
I said, "So, what are our options?"
She said,
"Well, we can get a bigger casket for it.
In fact, you could try them out."
"Why don't you hop in a couple and
just roll around and see how it feels."
"You're built the same way,
just like your daddy."
[audience laughing]
I felt like we were getting bamboozled.
I felt like they were trying to upsell us.
So, I said. "All right, Sue Ellen,
what's this going to cost us?"
She said, "Well, a bigger casket's
about an extra ten thousand,
and a bigger plot of land's
an extra twenty thousand,
so you're looking at
about an extra $30,000."
And just like that, my mom goes,
"Oh, fuck it. Throw his ass in the oven."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
Okay, Robin.
Way to make a game-time decision.
[audience laughing]
She said, "Heather, what?
What do you want me to do?"
"That's an extra $30,000."
"I could redo my bathroom.
Your father would want me to live nice."
[audience laughing]
[audience whistling and cheering]
So we cremated my father.
[audience laughing]
[chuckling] We sure did.
Naturally, for the funeral I wanted
to show up suited and booted, okay?
I want to paint the picture of
what I was wearing to my dad's funeral.
I had on, like, a black catsuit like this,
and then I had on like a...
like a black and white jacket
that was a little more animal print.
I had blonde hair, tease to the gods,
a smokey eye, a red lip.
And my husband comes up to me
as I'm, like, checking myself out
before I get in the limo
to go to the service,
and he just says,
"Babe, I don't know
how to tell you this, but, uh,
you look like
Cruella Fucking de Vil right now."
[audience laughing]
This is a highly inappropriate outfit
to be wearing to your father's funeral.
I was like, "Thank you."
[audience laughing]
We get to the service and my sister spoke,
uh, before me.
She's an attorney,
and she's such an eloquent speaker.
She said some beautiful words,
wrote a beautiful poem,
and then I was the closer.
I did the eulogy, and I got up there,
and I just, like, roasted my dad.
- [audience laughing]
- Yeah.
So I'm just slinging jokes,
having the time of my life.
I finish, I'm like, "Good night, Atlanta."
[audience laughing]
Mic drop. I, like, jump off the stage.
It was not a stage.
It was a pulpit in a church.
[audience laughing]
And I'm like, I just crushed.
I get in the limo.
We're about to go out to the cemetery,
to spread some ashes, say some words.
My mom's in the front seat of the limo,
my sister and I are in the back.
She turns to my sister and just goes,
"Ashley, that poem was beautiful."
"Heather, I have notes."
[audience laughing]
Like, what the fuck does that mean,
"You have notes"?
We're not gonna do this again.
[audience laughing]
But I'll tell you right now, Robin,
I'll have some fucking notes
at your funeral. Try me, bitch.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Try me.
[audience applauding]
When you're at the stage of grief,
that is the Xanax stage.
[audience laughing]
You take a lot of pills,
and you do a lot of crazy things.
The night before my dad's service,
I thought, "I know exactly
how to pay homage to him."
So I, um, decided to get a bagpiper
and... yeah.
And I went
to the most resourceful place to find
a bagpiper: the Craigslist, okay?
[audience laughing]
So I'm on, like, four Xannies at midnight,
just tinker-tankering away
on the interweb, just like,
I'm going to surprise everybody.
[audience laughing]
I booked this bagpiper, and, like,
when I sobered up the next day,
I was like, I feel like
it was maybe a little too expensive.
[audience laughing]
Now listen, I believe in diversity.
I believe that everybody has
a seat at the table.
But I also like to stay on brand.
And I just, like, knew we were in for it
when a small Filipino man got
out of a Toyota Tercel in a kilt.
I was like, I feel like this is not right.
[audience laughing]
I had prepaid this man $1,500, yeah,
to play around 45 minutes of music.
And I knew I was getting bamboozled,
because this guy's about three
and a half minutes into "Amazing Grace,"
he starts packing up his shit
and heading towards his Toyota Tercel.
[audience laughing]
At that moment, right, this dull rage
just started to, like, roar inside of me.
I'm like, "I'm the dad now.
Well, we're getting fucked."
[audience laughing]
The Xannies had worn off.
I just had, like, a superhuman strength.
My husband is holding me back by my arms
while they're pinned back behind me,
while I am dressed like a 101 Dalmatian.
[audience laughing]
And I just start barking at this man like
DMX, like [barking]...
[rapping] X gon' give it to ya
Patrick O'Flynn
[audience cheering]
Or is that even your real name,
motherfucker?
[audience laughing]
Just then, my husband,
who is Italian, he's 6'2",
literally loses his grip,
and I slide out of my jacket.
I go running across the cemetery.
This man gets right to his car,
and just as I'm about to grab him,
my thin ankle just rolls.
- [audience laughing]
- Yeah.
And I am face down in the cemetery.
The guy gets in his car, and he heads off,
but I know in that moment,
my dad was looking down, going,
"That's the son I never had."
[audience laughing and cheering]
After my dad died, I was grieving,
and everybody grieves in a different way.
And I don't know how,
but you know, I was in
a really, really dark place in my life.
I was drinking a lot,
I was doing the Xannies,
and I was putting it all
on Instagram, and...
[audience laughing]
You sick fucks thought
I was doing a bit, okay?
[audience cheering]
Y'all were like,
"Heather, this is amazing."
"Keep it up. I am giggling, girlfriend."
[audience laughing]
What the fuck?
It was like somehow overnight,
I had turned into this, like,
accidental influencer, all right?
Let me tell you something right now.
I'm a comedian. I am not an influencer.
In fact, I've never influenced anybody
for good. Only evil.
So never take my advice.
But there were a couple perks of, like,
being considered an influencer, right?
Um, I would get invited
on all these, like, self-help retreats
and like, I would get
all this, like, free shit.
And there was one particular retreat
that I was, like, man,
I've really got to take advantage of this.
So, I get invited
by this little company called lululemon.
[audience laughing]
They fly me all the way out
to the Calamigos Ranch
in Malibu, California, right?
This is all expenses paid.
They are pulling out all the stops.
I'm like, I'm going to go get
some free shit,
you know what I mean?
And have a good time.
So I show up to this wellness retreat,
this self-help retreat,
with just, you know, a duffel bag full
of Doritos, like, "Let's go camping."
[audience laughing]
As soon as I get there,
I realize it's all, like, professional
yogis, models, influencers, athletes,
and everyone's running around,
going through their goody bags,
like, "Oh my God,
an extra small bra, yes bitch."
"Oh my God, small Align tights, perfect.
For me, it's yes, yes, yes."
[audience laughing]
Then I just show up and I go,
"Hey, lululemon, where's my gear?"
[audience laughing]
Now, I love lululemon, okay.
I wear their stuff all the time.
But a couple years ago,
when I was at this retreat,
I'll be honest with you,
they were not size-inclusive.
So I'm looking around, like,
where's my goody bag?
And they just go, "It's over there
with all the NBA All-Stars."
[audience laughing]
I am literally, like,
digging through a bin
with all the other dudes at this retreat.
And because they didn't have
anything in my size,
I just had to wear a bunch
of lululemon men's tracksuits.
[audience laughing]
So the entire weekend in Malibu,
you just heard me going...
Ch, ch, ch, ch, ch
in my goddamn windbreaker.
[audience laughing]
So at this retreat,
it's just me and the boys.
You know, we're just fucking kicking it.
So, one night, we're all hanging out
around a campfire.
You know, in our tracksuits,
just fucking vibing.
[audience laughing]
Here's the thing
about comedians and athletes, right?
I'm never going to ask a guy, well, like,
what a three-pointer is,
what team he plays for,
and he just wants to get high
and giggle with me.
So it's like, this is a perfect match.
So one night I'm hanging out with all
these really famous basketball players,
and we're all around the campfire
in our tracksuits, and the boys are like,
"Let's get fucked up,
let's do some edibles, all right?"
Here's my thing.
I can do the marijuanas,
but I know my limit.
And I just want every woman
in here to heed this warning.
If you're a woman like me, who's 5'9",
you should never do
the same amount of drugs...
- [audience laughing]
- ...as a Boston Celtic, who is 7'2".
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
All of a sudden, the second edible hits,
and the lights go down.
[audience laughing]
It's just like... [whoosh]
I am dead behind the eyes,
and I am also high as fuck and panicking.
- [audience laughing]
- I'm not vibing with the boys anymore.
I'm like, I've got to get back
to my safe space, my bungalow.
Now my private bungalow's literally, like,
it's as far away as offstage is, right?
It should take me like 15 seconds
to walk over there.
But for the next three and a half hours...
[audience laughing]
...it's literally just me in the woods,
just like picking up my legs, like...
- [audience laughing]
- [whooshing]
Because I didn't want
anybody to hear me going
ch, ch, ch, through the woods.
[audience laughing]
So I finally get back to my safe space,
my private bungalow.
Have you ever been so high
in a hotel room?
Right.
You're laying in a hotel bed,
your head is stuck to the headboard.
[audience laughing]
Your feet are stuck
to the front of the room.
[audience laughing]
And you can't figure out
how to put your body back together...
[audience laughing]
...to roll out of bed to go pee.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
So I laid there...
[audience laughing]
...in my lululemon men's tracksuit...
[audience laughing]
...and I peed the bed.
[audience cheering and applauding]
I'mma tell you right now that shit was not
moisture-wicking,
it was like a fucking hot pocket.
[audience laughing]
I wake up the next morning,
I am still moist and sticky
and just, like, in this tracksuit.
I roll over, and I look at my phone,
and I just start panicking.
I am fucking panicking.
I have like 600 missed phone calls,
text messages.
I'm like, that's it, that's it.
My career is over
before it's even started.
I know exactly what happened.
I just got on Instagram Live
and I just Instagram Lived
me peeing the bed.
[audience laughing]
I'm going to be banned
from every lululemon ever.
Turns out just the opposite had happened.
So three hours ahead of us,
on the East Coast in New York,
Maria Shriver is co-hosting
The Today Show.
She turns to Hoda and Jenna Bush Hager,
and she just says,
"I know who you should have come
co-hosted The Today Show with you."
"Heather McMahan.
She's my favorite comedian."
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
[audience applauding]
Cool, right? So I have
all my friends calling and they're like,
"Oh my God, they're talking
about you on The Today Show."
And then I get the phone call from
The Today Show producers.
They said,
"We need you to get on a red-eye."
"You're going to co-host the show
the next day with Jenna Bush Hager."
"It's going to be huge.
Like, get on the red-eye."
So I am literally walking through LAX,
still high as a kite...
[audience laughing]
...with my duffle bag full of tracksuits
and Doritos, just like,
"I should not be here right now."
[audience laughing]
So we get on The Today Show,
and I am so nervous, okay?
I am still high.
I am, like, freaking the fuck out.
I can see my agent out of the corner
of my eye, and every commercial break
I'm like, "Did I say 'fuck?'" I'm more
of a nighttime TV show kind of gal.
She said, "You're doing great."
Y'all, I was so nervous and so high
that, literally, at the commercial break,
I turned to Jenna Bush Hager
and just went like this.
[laughing hysterically]
[continues laughing]
"Oh my God."
"Your dad was the president."
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
She's like, "You good, bitch? You good?"
[audience laughing]
"No, Jeanette. No, I am not. Um..."
"I actually peed myself
at a self-help retreat
about eight hours ago."
"I am... I am not okay."
[audience laughing]
Those are good time girls,
and I... I just... I just owe them so much,
so they keep bringing me back,
and it's been an amazing thing.
And the wild thing is that kind of like,
launched me and my comedy career, right?
Who knew, being high on The Today Show,
you know, would like, be the moment?
So now every time I'm leaving for tour,
I literally take my suitcase,
and I just walk, you know, through
the hall, and I just stop at the door,
and I see my husband sitting on the couch
watching ESPN or some shit.
[audience laughing]
And I just go,
"You need me, you broke bitch."
And then I just...
[audience cheering and applauding]
Hell yeah.
I started touring, and I'm out there,
and I'm like, okay, well, if I'm going
to go on this big national tour,
I've got to be proactive, right?
I was like, "I've got to be proactive
if I ever want to be a mommy
and have a family."
And I had this idea
about doing IVF and egg freezing.
I was like, oh, this is going to be easy.
I'm going to get a bunch of eggs,
make a bunch of embryos with my husband,
and then we're just going to put it
in like ten surrogates,
and then I'm going to come back from tour
and have, like, ten babies, and I'll be
like a whole Kardashian clan,
and I'll just get the Kris Jenner
I've always dreamed of being.
You know, like, "You'd better get your ass
up and work, bitches."
[audience laughing]
Has anybody in here ever done
IVF or egg freezing,
just by round of applause?
Yeah? A couple girls.
Listen, thank you for sharing,
because I polled the audience in Arkansas
and they were dead fucking silent.
[audience laughing]
They were like, "Nope, not us.
Fertile Fucking Myrtle, bitch."
[audience laughing]
Like, that's a weird flex, Arkansas.
It's all the Tyson chicken, I know it is.
Like I said though, I thought I was going
to go in there, do the egg freezing,
get a bunch of embryos,
wham, bam, I'd be done with it.
I go into the fertility clinic,
and my sweet doctor sat me down one day.
Words I thought I'd never hear.
She said, "Heather,
if you ever want to be a mommy one day,
I just want you to know, we're going
to have to be very aggressive."
"You have no eggs."
Can you imagine what it's like to be
a 35-year-old woman and to hear that?
You know, we spend our entire lives
trying not to get pregnant,
and then when you want to do it,
you're like, "What the fuck?"
[audience laughing]
I mean, I literally was like never
on birth control.
I just took Plan B like once a week.
[audience laughing and applauding]
So I got serious for a minute, and I said,
"All right, Doc."
"I'm willing to do whatever it takes."
Now, what people don't tell you
about egg freezing and IVF is
that sometimes it takes a lot of steps.
And I just want you guys
all to know right now,
if you have a friend
who's going through it,
take them out to lunch,
buy them a martini,
because it's fucking bullshit,
what women have to go through.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Men could never.
The first step in this three-step process
is a little thing, um...
they put me on this little drug
that I like to call testosterone, okay?
Every day I'd have to take
a testosterone patch
and put it on my right shoulder,
and then I'd take a couple pumps
of testosterone gel
and just put it
on the inside of my thighs,
I guess for, like,
my pussy to absorb it or something.
[audience laughing]
I swear to God, I was on testosterone
for like a week,
and by, like, day seven,
I looked like Guy Fucking Fieri.
[audience laughing]
And I want to look every man here
in the audience tonight
right in the eyes, and I want you to know,
I see you, I hear you, okay?
It is bullshit,
the way that people have been trying
to put us down recently. They...
They have no fucking idea
what we go through.
[audience laughing]
I was on testosterone and I, finally,
for the first time in my life,
finally understood why men were so, like,
angry and horny at the same time.
- [audience laughing]
- I couldn't explain it.
I just had this dull rage brewing
inside of me all the time.
I would just like drive around, like,
pull in front of a Chipotle,
and I would just, like, call my husband,
and I wasn't crying,
but I would just, like, sing Post Malone
back to him on speakerphone.
[audience laughing]
[singing] I've been poppin' pillies
Man, I feel just like a rockstar
[audience laughing]
Dude, I was just driving around town
in my Jetta
just, like, with a boner,
just, like, hands up. Like, fuck yeah.
I'm going home to fuck.
[audience laughing]
I was so horny on testosterone.
I literally couldn't go to Trader Joe's
with my mom anymore.
[audience laughing]
No. She banned me,
because she'd literally just find me
in like, the Two-Buck Chuck isle,
just like rubbing my genitals
against the wine bottles, like,
"Oh, yeah."
"Uh-huh, that is the spot."
[moaning]
[audience cheers]
She's like, "Heather, how dare you
disrespect Charles Shaw like that?"
[audience laughing]
I was horned up. I was ready to go.
I'd come home looking like Guy Fieri,
and I'd just look
at my husband and be like,
"Let me tell you
something right now, Jeff."
[audience laughing]
"Let's put a little bang-bang sauce
on that dick and go to flavortown."
[audience cheering and applauding]
He's just like, "No."
"I don't want to do that."
So the second step is a little thing
I like to call a vaginal suppository.
Okay?
So imagine, like, a little Jelly Belly
that you get in your Easter basket.
You know what I mean?
Except I'd have to take two of those,
and they were filled with progesterone,
testosterone, and estrogen,
and I would take two of those,
and every day,
I would just, like,
place them inside of me,
and then, just like, pop my pussy.
[audience laughing]
And I would just, like, kegel so hard
so they wouldn't slip out.
I was literally, like, Crip walking
around town, just like,
"I got it. What's up?"
[audience laughing]
Yeah.
So I'm on the vaginal suppositories
for a couple weeks,
my hormones are up and down,
but I finally book a job,
so I've got to fly to LA.
And I'm like, you know what,
I can do this.
I can, you know, put these in every day.
I can go to work, feel like myself again.
So I am flying to LA,
and I'm in Atlanta at the Delta Sky Club,
right? My Mecca. Yeah.
[audience cheering]
So I'm standing in the Delta Sky Club,
and I'm in, like, a really,
like, low-key travel outfit.
You know what I mean?
I have on, like, some sick outfit
with just a big fucking fedora
to make me look like an asshole.
I'm just standing at the front
of the Delta Sky Club,
holding a glass of white wine,
waiting for my fans to find me. I'm like,
"Any minute now,
McManiac will spot me in the wild."
[audience laughing]
And just then, sure enough,
like clockwork,
here comes this young woman running
around the corner and she's like,
"Hey, girl, um, tiramisu bitch."
[audience cheering and applauding]
For those of y'all who don't know,
that's our little code word.
If you see me out in public
and you listen to the podcast,
you just say, like, "Tiramisu bitch,"
and I just know, like,
P2P, pussy-to-pussy,
peer-to-peer, like,
we're on the same page, you know?
We're on the same team.
[audience cheering]
So she just kind of whispered, she's like,
"Hey girl. Um, tiramisu bitch."
"Big fan, but um, listen,
I just wanted to tell you, um...
it kind of looks like you sat in, like,
a couple packets of mayonnaise."
[audience laughing]
I just look down...
in what I can only describe
as like
a melted Kraft Singles murder scene.
[audience laughing]
Apparently, when I was, like, going
through TSA, right,
I went to go sit down to reput on my boots
and I sat down a little too hard
and popped my pussy, and
my vaginal suppository just exploded
in my pants.
[audience laughing]
[sighs]
In that moment, I am fucking mortified.
I have never been so embarrassed
in my life.
I am uncomfortable,
and I just, all of a sudden, feel
that testosterone start to kick in, right?
I feel that dull roar,
and I'm just, like, I am so embarrassed,
I run to the bathroom
in the Sky Club, right?
And I take off my pants,
and I start washing out
my underwear in the sink,
and women are just, like,
walking in and staring at me.
[audience laughing]
And I'm like,
"Look the fuck away, Claire!"
[audience laughing and applauding]
"I am transitioning
and didn't even mean to."
[audience laughing]
"Do you know what it's like to grow a dick
on a Thursday? No. You don't."
[audience laughing]
"So, look the fuck away!"
[audience laughing]
And then I just went back to singing
Post Malone, like,
[singing] I've been poppin' pillies
Man, I feel just like a rockstar
[audience applauding and cheering]
So we get through the first two steps,
the testosterone, the vaginal suppository,
and then we finally get to the third step,
which is the one y'all are probably
most familiar with, right?
We have to do the shots.
Now, this is what was wild about it.
They sent me home
with a bag of drugs,
a bag of loose needles,
and like, a pamphlet, like a one sheeter...
[audience laughing]
...to, like, figure it out on my own.
To me, this is like
a major medical liability. Like,
I am a citizen. I am a civilian.
I could barely figure out
how to pay my taxes and register to vote.
Like, you should not send me home
with loose needles.
[audience laughing]
But I decide, I'm like, no, no,
I can handle this. I got this, right?
And so, I lay out the one-sheet page,
the little pamphlet on what to do,
and I get out my drugs, and I set them up,
and I have my needles, and,
you know, I'm from Atlanta, so I was like,
if we're going to mix some drugs, like,
let's make this
a fucking fertility trap house,
you know what I'm saying though?
[audience cheering]
So I get out my Le Creuset pot, and...
[audience laughing]
...I have my Williams Sonoma apron on,
and I'm like, "Let's cook
some fucking drugs in this bitch."
[audience laughing]
I dump all the fertility drugs in one pot,
and I just, like, turn on
a little Gucci Mane, and I'm just, like,
spinning around, just going like,
[singing]
Look at the flick of that wrist
Look at the flick of that wrist
I mix all my drugs together,
and then I take out all the syringes,
and I pull out the right amount, right?
Like, I just get it out of the vial.
So now I have all my dosages perfectly
placed on a Williams Sonoma cookie sheet.
[audience laughing]
And then I take that cookie sheet
out to my garage,
and you know how
every white woman has a white fridge,
just full of drinks in their garage? Yeah.
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
So I open that fridge door, I slide that
on top of my Spindrift, and I'm like,
I just meal-prepped
for the next two weeks.
[audience laughing]
So for the next two weeks,
I have to give myself
five shots every day.
It was so difficult, but I was like,
after I went through that,
I was like, I can fucking do anything.
So I'm going into the doctor's office
the day before I'm supposed
to do my egg retrieval.
And my doctor pulls up the blood work,
and we're looking
for the eggs on the ultrasound.
And she just says, "Heather, I am..."
"I am so sorry."
"I feel like we really did everything."
"You did three steps."
"But sweetheart,
I don't know how to tell you this,
but we just didn't have
any growth on those eggs."
"We're not going to be able
to do a retrieval."
And just then, one of the nurses runs in,
and she's just like,
"Hey, um, tiramisu bitch. Um..."
[audience laughing]
"Listen, I know this is probably violating
every HIPAA violation,
but I was listening
to the podcast the other day,
and you were bragging about how
you were running a fertility trap house."
[audience laughing]
"And I just feel like maybe it didn't work
because did you read at the bottom
of the pamphlet where it said,
whatever you do, do not pre-batch
the drugs until right about...
until you're right about to inject
yourself with them, or they're no good."
Y'all, I don't say this
for you to feel sorry for me,
but I just don't want you to make
the same mistake as me.
[audience laughing]
I threw $20,000 worth of fertility drugs
down the drain
because I didn't read
the directions right.
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
Like, what the fuck?
And I'm not here to make
some big announcement like I'm pregnant.
I'm not.
But after multiple rounds of trying,
I am excited to share
that my husband and I do have
one baby girl embryo on ice.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you.
Thank you.
I know.
It's so crazy
that I can even say that, right?
Like, science is such a wild thing.
I now know
that I have a baby girl somewhere,
and it is really wild because, you know,
like, I already know,
and I can be honest with myself,
I already know
I'm going to be a terrible mother.
- [audience laughing]
- [scoffs]
You know what I mean?
Like, this baby girl's on ice somewhere,
and I never once asked the doctor, like,
where the fuck she is.
[audience laughing]
She could be, like, tucked...
tucked away behind, like, ground beef
at a Wendy's by the airport...
[audience laughing]
...at the corner of rape and regret.
Like, I don't know.
As soon as you tell people that
you have embryos, of course, they're like,
"When will you implant?
When will you become a mommy?"
I've gotta be honest with you,
I was so grateful to all the women
who encouraged me
while I was going through this process.
But most importantly,
the real bitches were like,
"Listen, Heather, take your time, right?"
"Take your time."
And honestly,
it's kind of terrifying to think
about bringing a new life
into this world, right?
With all this crazy shit going on.
Then the other day, I was talking to Jeff,
I was like, "Maybe we should do it now."
And then we're watching CNN
and just then I look up,
and Greta Thunberg's on the news
and she's just, like,
freaking the fuck out.
[audience laughing]
She's like,
"Everybody run for your lives."
[audience laughing]
"The polar ice caps are melting.
Greenland's on fire."
[audience laughing]
And it dawned on me.
I was like, oh my God.
What if right now,
my baby girl is defrosting,
and I don't even know it?
[audience laughing]
So I just wanted to tell you all tonight,
if for, like, any reason
in the next couple weeks,
next couple months,
you see a little baby girl
in a reed basket...
- [audience laughing]
- ...floating down the Mississippi River...
[audience laughing]
...just like Moses did...
[audience laughing]
...wearing a cheetah print crop top...
[audience laughing]
...holding a glass full of white wine
and smoking a cigarette,
send that baby girl home.
That's my daughter.
[audience cheering and applauding]
And I've realized, my only job
as a mother of a daughter is to make sure
that she doesn't turn into one
of you crazy cunts, you know what I mean?
- [audience laughing]
- Because you bitches are wild.
I got out on the road,
and I started touring,
and we had this one show.
I did this one show in...
in a little place called Charleston,
and... yeah.
It was one
of the wildest nights of my life.
Now, I was so excited
to play the Charleston Music Hall.
I sold it out. This was, like,
my first big real theater show,
and I'm just, like, beaming
with pride, like, this is it.
I start the show,
and then all of a sudden,
Ma'am, right where you are, right?
Like the third row.
Literally, this woman stands up
in front of 2000 people in the theater,
straddles her chair,
points directly at me
and says the weirdest thing
anyone's ever said to me at a show.
She just straddles her chair
and just goes,
"Show me your pussy."
[audience laughing]
[chuckling] Wait. Sorry, my pussy?
[audience laughing]
And here's the thing,
I'd show you my pussy, you know?
I'm very proud of my pussy.
But I don't know if you're like me.
Like, I just, like, quit
laser hair removal cold turkey,
you know what I mean?
[audience laughing]
So right now, my pussy just looks like
a cat with alopecia, you know what I mean?
[audience laughing]
Just like, it's like,
a couple bald spots on the right.
[audience laughing]
A little hot fire eczema
on the crease in the left.
[audience laughing]
I was saying this in Nashville,
and a woman, swear to God,
on the front row just goes,
"Heather, don't be ashamed of eczema."
"My husband's got it
on the tip of his dick."
[audience laughing and applauding]
I was like, "Ma'am,
I don't know how to tell you this,
but that is absolutely not eczema."
[audience laughing and applauding]
[audience cheering and applauding]
"And you need to get
that shit swabbed immediately."
[audience laughing]
Side note, I love... I love a vagina joke.
Like, it just really tickles me.
I feel like there's still such a stigma
with female comedians, they're like,
"I can't believe you're talking
about your sexuality and your vagina,
and, like, the normal human parts, right?"
Because it's such bullshit.
A male comedian could get up here,
drop trou,
do the fucking helicopter for 45 minutes,
and get invited on Joe Rogan,
you know what I mean?
[audience laughing]
And here's the deal.
I love a wide vagina joke,
you know what I mean?
Because at the end of the day,
it's a joke. It's a joke. It's a joke.
Because at the end of the day,
you can't really have a wide vagina,
but you can have a tiny dick.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Not you, sir.
You've got a big dick, you've got
a big dick, you've got a big dick.
Only big dicks in my audience.
[audience cheering and applauding]
In San Diego, this one guy was just like,
"It is what it is, Heather."
[audience laughing]
Like, you did not have to speak up, Mark.
We're good.
So this woman's screaming this,
and everybody in the audience is like,
what the fuck is going on?
So security runs over and they go,
"Hey, ma'am, can you just settle down?"
"Can you just wait till after the show?
Let's not yell anything."
And she didn't like that.
So in that moment,
she got even more angry,
and she re-stood up on her chair,
straddled her seat in the theater,
and she literally, and this is
at the moment when I knew
why she was so fucked up,
so unhinged, so unglued,
she pulls an entire bottle
of sauvignon blanc
out of a dusty Dooney & Bourke bag...
[audience laughing]
...pulls the cork out with her teeth,
puts the bottle to her lips
and just starts body rolling...
[audience laughing]
...as sauvy b runs
down her animal print sweater.
[audience laughing]
Yeah.
We're all like, "What the fuck?"
[audience laughing]
In that moment, security runs over, like,
"Ma'am, you gotta get out of here."
The crowd goes wild. They're like,
"Get her out. She's ruining the show."
[audience laughing]
After the show, I'm like,
what the fuck just happened? Right?
I'm having a moment backstage,
and I'm like, all right,
I'm packing up my shit,
and I'm heading out the door, right?
And I'm heading out the stage door.
And as soon as I bust open the stage door,
here comes this woman,
coming around the corner,
going a hundred fucking miles an hour.
- [audience laughing]
- But it's like in slow motion.
She's just like... ch, ch, ch.
And I'm just like, "Noo."
This woman gets,
like, maybe 40 ft. from me.
And as soon as she's about to grab me,
her just thin ankle rolls off the curb,
and she falls flat on her face.
And in that moment, like,
her Dooney & Bourke bag
just explodes everywhere.
[audience laughing]
I'm literally going to help her up,
and then the cops come around the corner,
and they're like,
"Don't fucking touch her."
"We've been chasing this bitch
for an hour."
[audience laughing and applauding]
So I back off.
But as she's down on the ground,
I'm looking at all the accoutrements
that have fallen out of her purse.
And I see one particular thing,
and I go down to...
to reach down to pick it up,
and it's a jewel.
It's a vape.
[audience laughing]
And I just take a nice big drag of that.
- [inhales]
- [audience cheers]
[exhales]
And it's that good-good mango.
[audience laughing]
And as this woman is
slowly getting picked up off the ground,
her hands behind her back,
she just looks me deadass
in my eyes, and goes,
"Smoke me out, bitch! Smoke me out!"
"I'm going to jail!"
- [audience applauding]
- [chuckles]
[audience cheering]
Yeah.
And as she's yelling, "jail,"
I could see her arch her back,
and her animal print sweater lifts,
and in that moment,
I knew she was one of us.
I could see Old Navy embossed...
[audience laughing]
...right there on her tummy.
[audience laughing and cheering]
And I said,
"Officers, I'll take it from here."
[audience laughing]
They gave her to me,
I put her in the back of our car,
we sobered her up at a waffle house,
and then I drove her home
to make sure she got home okay.
- [audience applauding and cheering]
- Yeah.
And in that moment, I was just thinking,
God, I wish my dad was here to see this.
[audience laughing]
Right before my dad passed, um...
we had a really beautiful
father-son moment in the hospital room.
[audience laughing]
It was just my dad and I,
and it was right before he passed.
And he said,
he just laid there in his hospital bed,
and he put his hand up on my thick neck.
[audience laughing]
He's like, "Baby girl, I want to tell you
a couple things."
"Number one,
always follow your dreams."
"And number two,
never ever live with regret."
"And number three, baby girl,
I've got to apologize about something."
"You did not get your mother
or your sister's genetics, okay?"
[audience laughing and applauding]
"You're built like me,
and I want you take my advice."
"If your friends
Adele, Rebel Wilson, and Khlo...
[audience laughing]
...ever take your ass
to a Cheesecake Factory
and they give you an intervention
because they're concerned about you,
because you're too thin,
honey, you're probably like me."
"You're probably just fucking dying."
Thank you so much.
I'm Heather McMahan.
[audience cheering]
I love you,
and good night.
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- [upbeat jazz music playing]
Can I take a photo?
Can we take a photo?
I love you, Lexington.
Thank you so much.
Good night.
[audience cheering and applauding]
[music ends]
[jazz music playing]
McMahan, you have got this.
You are prepared.
You were destined to do this.
You are beautiful.
You are smart.
And most importantly, you are respected.
How long is this going to take?
- I'm hungry, Heather.
- I don't know, Mom.
This is the night of my special.
It takes however long it takes.
But we are going to a restaurant, right?
I don't know where
we're going to eat afterwards.
Did you want to make a reservation?
I didn't make a reservation.
I've got to do everything.
Mom, is Dad here?
He's been dead for seven years, Heather.
Mom, I know that he's been dead,
but did you bring him?
- What? Oh, you mean the urn.
- Yes.
Yeah. I think he's in here.
It's either him or Mimi.
- You don't know who it is?
- It's probably Dad.
Thank you. Can I have him?
- He's heavy.
- I know.
[upbeat jazz music playing]
[male announcer] Without further ado,
please welcome to the stage
Heather McMahan.
[audience cheering and applauding]
[cheering continues]
[cheering intensifies]
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
[cheering subsiding]
Y'all sit down.
Oh Jesus.
Oh Lord.
I ripped my pussy, Kentucky. Hold on.
[audience laughing]
Oh.
How are we doing, Lexington, Kentucky?
[audience cheering]
So let's get right into it. Who's feeling
fat tonight? You know what I mean?
- [audience cheering]
- Oh yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. It's okay.
This is a safe space, okay?
We can talk about how we really feel.
Listen, I know I'm a thicker girl.
You know, I'm a proud size 14,
and I really get annoyed
with this whole
body positivity movement, right?
And you'd think I'd be into it, right?
Like, we're finally accepted,
especially in Hollywood.
But to me, it's actually bullshit,
because I've always been confident
in who I am, right?
I've always known
I was drop-dead gorgeous,
and it's like...
[chuckling] Of course.
[audience cheering]
But of course,
doesn't it feel like bullshit
that now Hollywood and all
these big brands have caught up, right?
And now they've gone the other way,
the total opposite way.
You can't even,
as a woman these days, be honest
about how you feel about yourself, right?
Because it's like toxic positivity.
They're like, "You've got
to love yourself every day, always,
even on your period, bitch."
[audience laughing]
You're like, "My tits are sore.
My pussy is just full."
[audience laughing]
"I don't know what it's full with,
but it just feels very full."
[audience laughing]
And I don't care how much
you love yourself, right?
We have all gotten to that point
where we've just had
that honest conversation with ourself,
where we have hit our emergency weight.
Right? Yeah.
For those of y'all who don't know
what emergency weight is,
you're naturally thin,
and everyone fucking hates you.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Couple of thin bitches in the back like,
"I have no idea what she's talking about."
[audience laughing]
Let me explain to you
what emergency weight is, okay?
Now, my emergency weight ranges
from an extra like five to 73 lbs,
you know what I'm saying?
[audience laughing]
Yeah.
This is how you know if you've ever hit
your emergency weight, okay?
So you're walking through,
like, the hall in your house.
You're just walking through the hall,
and you catch a glimpse of yourself
in the hall mirror,
and you just go, "What the fuck?!"
[audience laughing]
And you just call 911, because you have
no idea who's staring back at you.
"Oh my God, oh my God, am I bleeding?
Oh my God, somebody came by my house."
"I... I've been stabbed. What is that?
What, is that blood? Is that...?"
"That is actually marinara. I, um..."
[audience laughing]
"...forgot I was eating
fried raviolis in bed
while watching Gilmore Girls last night."
[audience cheers]
"My b."
I always know, there's a tell-tale sign,
when I've hit my emergency weight, okay?
It's this one test.
Like, you know, I've been out all day,
and I come home,
and I'm ready to do
the sex with my husband,
um... I don't know about you, but like,
you know, you're taking off your jeans,
and I have never had a child,
but right now I just have
like a deep cesarean scar,
just like running through my fupa.
[audience laughing]
Just is like Old Navy embossed in my skin.
[audience laughing]
Just like, right there.
My husband's like,
"Goddamn it, did the cat get you?
What are those, claw marks?"
[audience laughing]
My zipper's just been
[screaming] screaming.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "No, baby, no baby.
Just give me 45 minutes,
let me just rub it out.
The blood will come back."
"And my pussy will not be purple.
Just give me a minute."
[sighs]
With his whole body positivity movement,
I just feel like
some of us have been left behind.
Do you know what I mean?
And I just have a major bone to pick with,
there's one particular woman
who I just think did us really, you know,
raw dog dirty, and um...
that's motherfucking Adele, okay?
[audience cheering]
You know it.
You know it.
You know it.
That bitch just like, popped out of a bush
in London, snatch to the gods.
[audience laughing]
[singing] Hello
[audience laughing]
It's me
[in British accent]
"Time for a lifestyle change, bitch."
- And then just like, hung up the phone.
- [audience laughing]
The fuck? I didn't see it coming.
You didn't either.
This woman lost 100 pounds
on us, okay? And it's bullshit.
I know what you're thinking.
You're too hard on her.
She was going through a divorce.
You know, we're all about self...
self-care and taking care of yourself,
and I love that she got healthy.
But it's bullshit, because every...
- [laughs]
- [audience laughing]
[audience cheers]
The ladies will get this.
When, say... okay.
Say you're in a group with, say,
five girls in a group, right?
There's always at least
two of us who are like
members of the chub club,
you know what I mean?
Just like firm foundations.
[audience laughing]
And we have a code of ethics,
a morality clause.
[audience laughing]
If at any point overnight,
you know, on a whim,
you just decide to lose 100 lbs...
[audience laughing]
...you know what
the first fucking thing you do is?
Call the other fat chick
and let her know it's coming.
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering and applauding]
Adele could have like, beat me, tweet me,
sent me a Facebook Messenger
I don't know how to open.
She could have serenaded me
on my voicemail, like,
[singing] Hello from the skinny side
You've got to put down the fries
Nothing.
The bitch didn't call me.
[audience laughing]
You know who else is a traitor?
Rebel Fucking Wilson.
- [audience laughing]
- Yeah.
Yeah.
You know it. Fat Amy is no longer fat.
[audience laughing]
And I think the one
that hurts the most is our girl.
She was one of us.
She was one of us, and now she's gone
over to the dark thin side.
I'm talking about Khlo, K Money.
You know it.
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
She's wasting away.
If a strong breeze comes
through the hills of Calabasas,
that bitch is taking flight.
[audience laughing]
And I know this sounds shallow.
I know that what I'm saying sounds vain.
But I just have this deep fantasy, right?
I just want for once in my life
for my friends,
Adele, Rebel Wilson, and Khlo,
to take me to
a Cheesecake Factory one day,
and they sit me down at the table,
and they say,
"Heather, we ordered your favorite.
Cheeseburger, egg rolls,
and an Oreo cheesecake."
"And we brought you here today
because we just want you to know,
we are so concerned
you are too thin."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
"What, me? No!"
"Oh my God."
[audience laughing]
It's my dream.
I just want somebody for once in my life
to be concerned about my weight loss.
[audience laughing]
And listen, I was watching
my therapist the other day
on TikTok and...
[audience laughing]
Oh, yeah. My therapist is Tik-Tok. So...
And she was saying, she was like,
"Heather, would you talk
to your eight-year-old self
the way you have been talking
to your adult self?"
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
And I was like, "Yes. Yes, I would."
[audience laughing]
I would want little baby Heather to know
that two weeks before she's going to shoot
her first comedy special,
she has to find a special atelier
that can sew two Gucci jackets together,
because the brand doesn't make her size.
[audience laughing and applauding]
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
It's called Empowering the Youth:
Education for America.
[audience laughing]
And I'm not being hard on myself.
My entire life, I just grew up
being constantly reminded that, like,
I looked different
than the rest of my family.
Now, let me describe
what my family looks like, right?
My mom is like Judge Judy
with a Boston accent.
[audience cheers]
My... my sister's like
a little Kourtney Kardashian
with baby bird bones.
You know, like, frail.
[audience laughing]
And my dad looked just like
Uncle Phil from
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, but white.
You know what I mean?
Like white Uncle Phil.
And then there was just me as a kid, like,
going through a hard power lesbian phase,
but without the girlfriend.
[audience laughing]
Any power lesbians in the house?
Hell yeah. One quiet bitch in the corner.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Hell yeah.
I want to paint a picture
of what baby Heather looked like, okay?
I'm eight years old, power lesbian phase.
I would always wear, like,
a long duckhead chino short
that just went, like,
right below the knee.
I'd always wear my dad
hand-me-down golf shirts,
just, like, tucked into the front.
[audience laughing]
I liked, like, a power blazer
in case I had to, like,
go to the bank or anything.
[audience laughing]
I'd wear a sensible Velcro sandal
in case I had to, like,
take off after my mom at Costco.
[audience laughing]
I really solidified the look
when I went to Great Clips one summer,
and I saw my stylist, Trish,
and I just go,
"Trish, I want you to get out the buzzers
and hit the nape of my neck."
[audience laughing]
"I want to feel that sweet Georgia heat
just running down my spine."
[audience laughing]
Hell yeah.
She gave me a haircut
that was very similar to yours, sir.
- [audience laughing]
- Yeah. Hell yeah.
I fucked it up. I fucked it up good.
I was a beefy little kid, and I owned it.
And my dad, whenever I'd play sports,
my dad would always just, like,
come over to the sidelines,
and he'd like, put his hand
on my thick neck, just right there.
[audience laughing]
He'd be like, "Let me tell you
something here, the right now."
[audience laughing]
"Goddamn it."
"With those shoulders, you could be
on the O line for the Atlanta Falcons."
[audience laughing]
"You are the son I never had."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Yes, sir."
[audience laughing]
Yeah.
When you're a little chubby
eight-year-old girl
and your dad looks you dead in the eyes
and says, "You're the son I never had,"
I took that to heart.
[audience laughing]
I knew I had a job to do
to protect the family, to really step in.
I would do things that only sons would do
all the time, right?
Like, if my mom needed me like,
move a baby grand piano, I was just like,
"Heather will do it. It's fine."
[audience laughing]
"She's seven and a half. She can move it
from the front to the attic. It's fine."
[audience laughing]
I took my job so seriously.
In fact, we would get these deliveries
of Poland Springs water
every two weeks, okay?
Now, my parents had one
of these Poland Springs water jugs,
like a water cooler
that you'd see in an office, right?
And they had one up in their bedroom.
And, um...
[audience laughing]
I have not worked through
why they were that thirsty.
[audience laughing]
Jesus Christ, I've got to call
my therapist on TikTok.
[audience laughing]
Every two weeks,
so my parents would get a new delivery,
a five-gallon jug of water, right?
So I would literally be standing
at the edge of my driveway,
and I was best friends
with the water delivery guy.
He was 34. His name was Chad.
[audience laughing]
And he would literally... I would see him
getting the water out of the truck
and he'd have to put it on, like,
a dolly with wheels on it,
because it was too heavy for him.
And he would carry it
up the driveway, like,
ring, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting!
Ring, ting, ting, ting, ting!
And I would get to the edge
of the garage, right?
I've got my blazer on, my chinos.
[audience laughing]
And I'd just look at him and go,
"Put that shit on my back, Chad!
Let's go, Doggy!"
[audience laughing]
And this 34-year-old man would strap
a five gallon jug on my...
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
...my eight-year-old back,
just wrap it around my blazer.
[audience laughing]
And I would carry that shit up two flights
of stairs, just like, "Oh!"
"Oh! Oh! Oh!"
I get that shit upstairs, tip it over,
and I wouldn't spill an ounce.
[audience laughing]
And then I'd just be like, "Fuck you, Dad.
I'll see you at gymnastics."
[audience laughing]
Do you know what it's like to be
a chubby kid at summer camp?
You know, it's day four.
You know, they're doing
all that camp camaraderie.
You're supposed to do some...
some learning exercises,
some team-building exercises
with your other bunk mates.
I'm 11 years old.
I'm standing on the edge of a rock,
ready to do a trust fall.
[audience laughing]
And I just look back
and the only thing I see is
this small boy named Ronnie
with a No Fear t-shirt on.
[audience laughing]
And he is just full of fear.
[audience laughing]
I'm so embarrassed I have to grab
my camp counselor and be like,
"Emily, I will not leave this camp
with Ronnie's blood on my hands."
[audience laughing]
Even when I got older and I blossomed
into a young woman, right, I developed,
I turned into this young woman, um...
I was ready to study abroad in college,
and my sister and I studied abroad
the same summer.
She went to London and I went to Italy.
Now, the same year I studied abroad,
the movie Taken had just come out.
Remember the movie, Taken?
Yeah. With Liam Neeson, you remember.
Everybody's dads
were freaking the fuck out.
[audience laughing]
So I'm getting ready. It's a couple, like,
days before I'm supposed to leave.
I'm out running errands,
and I come home one day, and I just see
my dad and my sister in the backyard doing
what I can only describe
as like, Israeli military drills, okay?
[audience laughing]
My sister is, like, jumping through hoops,
throwing a Chinese star,
working fucking nunchucks.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "What the fuck, Dad?"
Nobody told me about
this family safety briefing.
[audience laughing]
My dad just goes, "Where you going again?"
"Oh yeah. That's right. Italy."
"Baby girl, I don't know
how to tell you this, but...
it would take at least seven Italian dudes
to throw your ass in the back of a van."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
"I'm not worried about you one bit."
[audience laughing]
And then he just, like, drove my ass
to the airport and was like, arrivederci.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
Well, enough about my childhood trauma,
let's talk about adult trauma, okay?
[audience laughing]
Listen, we're working
through this shit together.
This is what my, uh, therapist
on TikTok calls trauma bonding, all right?
We're in this together.
It's a safe space.
Just by round of applause,
if you feel comfortable, um...
how many people here are
in the dead dad club?
- [audience applauding and cheering]
- Yeah. Thank you for sharing.
Now listen, if you're not
in the dead dad club yet,
we are so jealous of you.
Obviously, take care of your fathers,
but we do have
an open and rolling admission,
and if at any time your dad does die, uh,
we meet every Father's Day
at the Buffalo Wild Wings by the Topgolf
near the... near the highway.
- So come on down.
- [audience cheering]
We get fucking ripped.
[audience laughing]
I share a lot about my life, but, um,
I never thought in a million years
I would lose my dad in the way that I did.
And I just want to say, if you're going
through anything like what I went through,
sometimes you just have to go
through the darkness to really understand
the bigger picture in the light.
I lost my dad seven years ago,
uh, to pancreatic cancer.
And sometimes, I get a little insecure.
Like, I don't know what to say to folks
when they reach out to me and say,
"Heather, I'm going through it too."
Or you know, "My mom just got diagnosed."
Or, "A loved one just got diagnosed,
they're going to do radiation or chemo."
Because we didn't have
that opportunity with my dad.
From the day of diagnosis
to the day of death,
it was only one week. Seven days.
Yeah.
I know, it's shocking. I mean, I've had
periods that have lasted longer than that.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
That's super fucked up.
[audience laughing]
I'm an action steps person though,
and as soon as we heard my dad got sick,
I knew that we had to get him
to the best care.
We flew him from Atlanta, Georgia,
to this hospital in Houston, Texas,
called MD Anderson.
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah.
They're amazing, okay? I'm so grateful
to the people at that hospital.
And we were waiting to find out
whether or not my dad could possibly have
a life-saving procedure.
So we're standing outside
of the hospital room,
and we're waiting on the doctor
to come give us the news.
And here comes the doctor,
and the only way to describe this man
is Enrique Fucking Iglesias.
[audience laughing]
I want you to picture
a smokey hospital corridor,
the most beautiful Latino man
you have ever seen
just, like, slowly making
his way towards us.
[audience screams]
This guy has on the tightest scrubs
you have ever seen.
[audience laughing]
The V in his scrubs in his top goes, like,
literally, all the way below his navel.
[audience laughing]
He's got a stethoscope around his neck
and a really long rosary bead,
because he's a good Catholic.
- [audience cheering]
- And it's...
it's so long it's just, like,
popping off the tip of his dick.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Yeah.
And you know,
because he's a beautiful Latino man,
he's got that gorgeous head of hair
and just keeps doing that...
you know when frat daddies
do that, like, frat swoop?
Or ladies, if you're trying to swallow
a fish oil pill and you're like,
[screaming]
[audience laughing]
Like that.
So this man pulls my mom, my sister,
and I outside of the hospital room,
and he just says,
"McMahan women, I just want you to know
that I would treat your father
as if he is my own."
"But unfortunately, in this situation,
there is nothing we can do."
This man is literally telling me
in this moment
that my dad's not going to make it.
But for some reason, all I can hear is...
[singing] Bailamos
Let the rhythm take you over
Bailamos
[audience cheering and applauding]
I take a minute.
I absorb the information.
I powder my puss a little bit.
[audience laughing]
And I walk into the hospital room.
My dad has just been told the news himself
from the doctor.
In a true Kyle McMahan fashion,
without skipping a beat, he just says,
"Listen, girls."
"I have never been a homosexual,
but that man was goddamn delicious,
and you know it."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
"And when I die,
one of y'all don't try and fuck him,
I will come back and haunt your ass."
[audience laughing]
So my sister had sex
with the anesthesiologist.
[audience cheering]
Yasss, bish.
Unfortunately, a couple of days later,
we lost my dad,
and what people don't tell you about,
like, the grieving process is, yeah,
you have your usual things, you know,
anger, resentment, bargaining, Xanax.
You know?
[audience laughing]
But they don't warn you
about the business of death.
Because when someone dies
you then have to, like, plan a funeral,
look at the will, figure out the estate,
figure out the taxes,
all of this paperwork.
And naturally, um, you know,
my family nominated me
to, like, go and plan the funeral, right?
So, I walk into the funeral home,
my mom and my sister are in tow,
and I put on one of my dad's blazers,
and I'm just like,
"Let's plan this fucking party."
[audience laughing]
So we... we sit down,
and we're ready to, like,
you know, pick up the casket
and plan everything.
And this sweet Southern woman
who's running this funeral home,
we've known her forever, and she comes up
to us, and she just says,
"Robin, Ashley, Heather,
I'm so sorry about your dear old dad."
"He was such a pillar of the community,
and I want y'all to know
that we are taking good care of you."
"So much so that when your daddy found out
he got sick, he immediately called us,
and he went ahead and prepurchased
his casket, and his burial plot of land,
because he didn't want y'all
to worry about a thing."
I thought this was such a tender thing.
Like, my dad didn't want us to worry.
She just goes,
"We just have one tiny problem."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "What's wrong, Sue Ellen?"
[audience laughing]
"I'm just going to come out
and say it. Well..."
"Your dad's too fat
for the casket he bought."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, wait. What the fuck?
Wait. How...?
I mean, I know he was a big guy,
but he, like, died of cancer.
Some might say this was
the best he had ever looked.
[audience laughing]
"Sweetheart, I don't know how to tell you
this, you know your daddy was a big man,
and he bought a regular-sized casket,
but he really needed, like,
a plus-sized casket, like..."
"Yeah, like, a Destination XL, Big & Tall,
Lane Bryant, you know the brands."
[audience laughing]
I said, "So, what are our options?"
She said,
"Well, we can get a bigger casket for it.
In fact, you could try them out."
"Why don't you hop in a couple and
just roll around and see how it feels."
"You're built the same way,
just like your daddy."
[audience laughing]
I felt like we were getting bamboozled.
I felt like they were trying to upsell us.
So, I said. "All right, Sue Ellen,
what's this going to cost us?"
She said, "Well, a bigger casket's
about an extra ten thousand,
and a bigger plot of land's
an extra twenty thousand,
so you're looking at
about an extra $30,000."
And just like that, my mom goes,
"Oh, fuck it. Throw his ass in the oven."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
Okay, Robin.
Way to make a game-time decision.
[audience laughing]
She said, "Heather, what?
What do you want me to do?"
"That's an extra $30,000."
"I could redo my bathroom.
Your father would want me to live nice."
[audience laughing]
[audience whistling and cheering]
So we cremated my father.
[audience laughing]
[chuckling] We sure did.
Naturally, for the funeral I wanted
to show up suited and booted, okay?
I want to paint the picture of
what I was wearing to my dad's funeral.
I had on, like, a black catsuit like this,
and then I had on like a...
like a black and white jacket
that was a little more animal print.
I had blonde hair, tease to the gods,
a smokey eye, a red lip.
And my husband comes up to me
as I'm, like, checking myself out
before I get in the limo
to go to the service,
and he just says,
"Babe, I don't know
how to tell you this, but, uh,
you look like
Cruella Fucking de Vil right now."
[audience laughing]
This is a highly inappropriate outfit
to be wearing to your father's funeral.
I was like, "Thank you."
[audience laughing]
We get to the service and my sister spoke,
uh, before me.
She's an attorney,
and she's such an eloquent speaker.
She said some beautiful words,
wrote a beautiful poem,
and then I was the closer.
I did the eulogy, and I got up there,
and I just, like, roasted my dad.
- [audience laughing]
- Yeah.
So I'm just slinging jokes,
having the time of my life.
I finish, I'm like, "Good night, Atlanta."
[audience laughing]
Mic drop. I, like, jump off the stage.
It was not a stage.
It was a pulpit in a church.
[audience laughing]
And I'm like, I just crushed.
I get in the limo.
We're about to go out to the cemetery,
to spread some ashes, say some words.
My mom's in the front seat of the limo,
my sister and I are in the back.
She turns to my sister and just goes,
"Ashley, that poem was beautiful."
"Heather, I have notes."
[audience laughing]
Like, what the fuck does that mean,
"You have notes"?
We're not gonna do this again.
[audience laughing]
But I'll tell you right now, Robin,
I'll have some fucking notes
at your funeral. Try me, bitch.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Try me.
[audience applauding]
When you're at the stage of grief,
that is the Xanax stage.
[audience laughing]
You take a lot of pills,
and you do a lot of crazy things.
The night before my dad's service,
I thought, "I know exactly
how to pay homage to him."
So I, um, decided to get a bagpiper
and... yeah.
And I went
to the most resourceful place to find
a bagpiper: the Craigslist, okay?
[audience laughing]
So I'm on, like, four Xannies at midnight,
just tinker-tankering away
on the interweb, just like,
I'm going to surprise everybody.
[audience laughing]
I booked this bagpiper, and, like,
when I sobered up the next day,
I was like, I feel like
it was maybe a little too expensive.
[audience laughing]
Now listen, I believe in diversity.
I believe that everybody has
a seat at the table.
But I also like to stay on brand.
And I just, like, knew we were in for it
when a small Filipino man got
out of a Toyota Tercel in a kilt.
I was like, I feel like this is not right.
[audience laughing]
I had prepaid this man $1,500, yeah,
to play around 45 minutes of music.
And I knew I was getting bamboozled,
because this guy's about three
and a half minutes into "Amazing Grace,"
he starts packing up his shit
and heading towards his Toyota Tercel.
[audience laughing]
At that moment, right, this dull rage
just started to, like, roar inside of me.
I'm like, "I'm the dad now.
Well, we're getting fucked."
[audience laughing]
The Xannies had worn off.
I just had, like, a superhuman strength.
My husband is holding me back by my arms
while they're pinned back behind me,
while I am dressed like a 101 Dalmatian.
[audience laughing]
And I just start barking at this man like
DMX, like [barking]...
[rapping] X gon' give it to ya
Patrick O'Flynn
[audience cheering]
Or is that even your real name,
motherfucker?
[audience laughing]
Just then, my husband,
who is Italian, he's 6'2",
literally loses his grip,
and I slide out of my jacket.
I go running across the cemetery.
This man gets right to his car,
and just as I'm about to grab him,
my thin ankle just rolls.
- [audience laughing]
- Yeah.
And I am face down in the cemetery.
The guy gets in his car, and he heads off,
but I know in that moment,
my dad was looking down, going,
"That's the son I never had."
[audience laughing and cheering]
After my dad died, I was grieving,
and everybody grieves in a different way.
And I don't know how,
but you know, I was in
a really, really dark place in my life.
I was drinking a lot,
I was doing the Xannies,
and I was putting it all
on Instagram, and...
[audience laughing]
You sick fucks thought
I was doing a bit, okay?
[audience cheering]
Y'all were like,
"Heather, this is amazing."
"Keep it up. I am giggling, girlfriend."
[audience laughing]
What the fuck?
It was like somehow overnight,
I had turned into this, like,
accidental influencer, all right?
Let me tell you something right now.
I'm a comedian. I am not an influencer.
In fact, I've never influenced anybody
for good. Only evil.
So never take my advice.
But there were a couple perks of, like,
being considered an influencer, right?
Um, I would get invited
on all these, like, self-help retreats
and like, I would get
all this, like, free shit.
And there was one particular retreat
that I was, like, man,
I've really got to take advantage of this.
So, I get invited
by this little company called lululemon.
[audience laughing]
They fly me all the way out
to the Calamigos Ranch
in Malibu, California, right?
This is all expenses paid.
They are pulling out all the stops.
I'm like, I'm going to go get
some free shit,
you know what I mean?
And have a good time.
So I show up to this wellness retreat,
this self-help retreat,
with just, you know, a duffel bag full
of Doritos, like, "Let's go camping."
[audience laughing]
As soon as I get there,
I realize it's all, like, professional
yogis, models, influencers, athletes,
and everyone's running around,
going through their goody bags,
like, "Oh my God,
an extra small bra, yes bitch."
"Oh my God, small Align tights, perfect.
For me, it's yes, yes, yes."
[audience laughing]
Then I just show up and I go,
"Hey, lululemon, where's my gear?"
[audience laughing]
Now, I love lululemon, okay.
I wear their stuff all the time.
But a couple years ago,
when I was at this retreat,
I'll be honest with you,
they were not size-inclusive.
So I'm looking around, like,
where's my goody bag?
And they just go, "It's over there
with all the NBA All-Stars."
[audience laughing]
I am literally, like,
digging through a bin
with all the other dudes at this retreat.
And because they didn't have
anything in my size,
I just had to wear a bunch
of lululemon men's tracksuits.
[audience laughing]
So the entire weekend in Malibu,
you just heard me going...
Ch, ch, ch, ch, ch
in my goddamn windbreaker.
[audience laughing]
So at this retreat,
it's just me and the boys.
You know, we're just fucking kicking it.
So, one night, we're all hanging out
around a campfire.
You know, in our tracksuits,
just fucking vibing.
[audience laughing]
Here's the thing
about comedians and athletes, right?
I'm never going to ask a guy, well, like,
what a three-pointer is,
what team he plays for,
and he just wants to get high
and giggle with me.
So it's like, this is a perfect match.
So one night I'm hanging out with all
these really famous basketball players,
and we're all around the campfire
in our tracksuits, and the boys are like,
"Let's get fucked up,
let's do some edibles, all right?"
Here's my thing.
I can do the marijuanas,
but I know my limit.
And I just want every woman
in here to heed this warning.
If you're a woman like me, who's 5'9",
you should never do
the same amount of drugs...
- [audience laughing]
- ...as a Boston Celtic, who is 7'2".
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
All of a sudden, the second edible hits,
and the lights go down.
[audience laughing]
It's just like... [whoosh]
I am dead behind the eyes,
and I am also high as fuck and panicking.
- [audience laughing]
- I'm not vibing with the boys anymore.
I'm like, I've got to get back
to my safe space, my bungalow.
Now my private bungalow's literally, like,
it's as far away as offstage is, right?
It should take me like 15 seconds
to walk over there.
But for the next three and a half hours...
[audience laughing]
...it's literally just me in the woods,
just like picking up my legs, like...
- [audience laughing]
- [whooshing]
Because I didn't want
anybody to hear me going
ch, ch, ch, through the woods.
[audience laughing]
So I finally get back to my safe space,
my private bungalow.
Have you ever been so high
in a hotel room?
Right.
You're laying in a hotel bed,
your head is stuck to the headboard.
[audience laughing]
Your feet are stuck
to the front of the room.
[audience laughing]
And you can't figure out
how to put your body back together...
[audience laughing]
...to roll out of bed to go pee.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
So I laid there...
[audience laughing]
...in my lululemon men's tracksuit...
[audience laughing]
...and I peed the bed.
[audience cheering and applauding]
I'mma tell you right now that shit was not
moisture-wicking,
it was like a fucking hot pocket.
[audience laughing]
I wake up the next morning,
I am still moist and sticky
and just, like, in this tracksuit.
I roll over, and I look at my phone,
and I just start panicking.
I am fucking panicking.
I have like 600 missed phone calls,
text messages.
I'm like, that's it, that's it.
My career is over
before it's even started.
I know exactly what happened.
I just got on Instagram Live
and I just Instagram Lived
me peeing the bed.
[audience laughing]
I'm going to be banned
from every lululemon ever.
Turns out just the opposite had happened.
So three hours ahead of us,
on the East Coast in New York,
Maria Shriver is co-hosting
The Today Show.
She turns to Hoda and Jenna Bush Hager,
and she just says,
"I know who you should have come
co-hosted The Today Show with you."
"Heather McMahan.
She's my favorite comedian."
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
[audience applauding]
Cool, right? So I have
all my friends calling and they're like,
"Oh my God, they're talking
about you on The Today Show."
And then I get the phone call from
The Today Show producers.
They said,
"We need you to get on a red-eye."
"You're going to co-host the show
the next day with Jenna Bush Hager."
"It's going to be huge.
Like, get on the red-eye."
So I am literally walking through LAX,
still high as a kite...
[audience laughing]
...with my duffle bag full of tracksuits
and Doritos, just like,
"I should not be here right now."
[audience laughing]
So we get on The Today Show,
and I am so nervous, okay?
I am still high.
I am, like, freaking the fuck out.
I can see my agent out of the corner
of my eye, and every commercial break
I'm like, "Did I say 'fuck?'" I'm more
of a nighttime TV show kind of gal.
She said, "You're doing great."
Y'all, I was so nervous and so high
that, literally, at the commercial break,
I turned to Jenna Bush Hager
and just went like this.
[laughing hysterically]
[continues laughing]
"Oh my God."
"Your dad was the president."
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
She's like, "You good, bitch? You good?"
[audience laughing]
"No, Jeanette. No, I am not. Um..."
"I actually peed myself
at a self-help retreat
about eight hours ago."
"I am... I am not okay."
[audience laughing]
Those are good time girls,
and I... I just... I just owe them so much,
so they keep bringing me back,
and it's been an amazing thing.
And the wild thing is that kind of like,
launched me and my comedy career, right?
Who knew, being high on The Today Show,
you know, would like, be the moment?
So now every time I'm leaving for tour,
I literally take my suitcase,
and I just walk, you know, through
the hall, and I just stop at the door,
and I see my husband sitting on the couch
watching ESPN or some shit.
[audience laughing]
And I just go,
"You need me, you broke bitch."
And then I just...
[audience cheering and applauding]
Hell yeah.
I started touring, and I'm out there,
and I'm like, okay, well, if I'm going
to go on this big national tour,
I've got to be proactive, right?
I was like, "I've got to be proactive
if I ever want to be a mommy
and have a family."
And I had this idea
about doing IVF and egg freezing.
I was like, oh, this is going to be easy.
I'm going to get a bunch of eggs,
make a bunch of embryos with my husband,
and then we're just going to put it
in like ten surrogates,
and then I'm going to come back from tour
and have, like, ten babies, and I'll be
like a whole Kardashian clan,
and I'll just get the Kris Jenner
I've always dreamed of being.
You know, like, "You'd better get your ass
up and work, bitches."
[audience laughing]
Has anybody in here ever done
IVF or egg freezing,
just by round of applause?
Yeah? A couple girls.
Listen, thank you for sharing,
because I polled the audience in Arkansas
and they were dead fucking silent.
[audience laughing]
They were like, "Nope, not us.
Fertile Fucking Myrtle, bitch."
[audience laughing]
Like, that's a weird flex, Arkansas.
It's all the Tyson chicken, I know it is.
Like I said though, I thought I was going
to go in there, do the egg freezing,
get a bunch of embryos,
wham, bam, I'd be done with it.
I go into the fertility clinic,
and my sweet doctor sat me down one day.
Words I thought I'd never hear.
She said, "Heather,
if you ever want to be a mommy one day,
I just want you to know, we're going
to have to be very aggressive."
"You have no eggs."
Can you imagine what it's like to be
a 35-year-old woman and to hear that?
You know, we spend our entire lives
trying not to get pregnant,
and then when you want to do it,
you're like, "What the fuck?"
[audience laughing]
I mean, I literally was like never
on birth control.
I just took Plan B like once a week.
[audience laughing and applauding]
So I got serious for a minute, and I said,
"All right, Doc."
"I'm willing to do whatever it takes."
Now, what people don't tell you
about egg freezing and IVF is
that sometimes it takes a lot of steps.
And I just want you guys
all to know right now,
if you have a friend
who's going through it,
take them out to lunch,
buy them a martini,
because it's fucking bullshit,
what women have to go through.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Men could never.
The first step in this three-step process
is a little thing, um...
they put me on this little drug
that I like to call testosterone, okay?
Every day I'd have to take
a testosterone patch
and put it on my right shoulder,
and then I'd take a couple pumps
of testosterone gel
and just put it
on the inside of my thighs,
I guess for, like,
my pussy to absorb it or something.
[audience laughing]
I swear to God, I was on testosterone
for like a week,
and by, like, day seven,
I looked like Guy Fucking Fieri.
[audience laughing]
And I want to look every man here
in the audience tonight
right in the eyes, and I want you to know,
I see you, I hear you, okay?
It is bullshit,
the way that people have been trying
to put us down recently. They...
They have no fucking idea
what we go through.
[audience laughing]
I was on testosterone and I, finally,
for the first time in my life,
finally understood why men were so, like,
angry and horny at the same time.
- [audience laughing]
- I couldn't explain it.
I just had this dull rage brewing
inside of me all the time.
I would just like drive around, like,
pull in front of a Chipotle,
and I would just, like, call my husband,
and I wasn't crying,
but I would just, like, sing Post Malone
back to him on speakerphone.
[audience laughing]
[singing] I've been poppin' pillies
Man, I feel just like a rockstar
[audience laughing]
Dude, I was just driving around town
in my Jetta
just, like, with a boner,
just, like, hands up. Like, fuck yeah.
I'm going home to fuck.
[audience laughing]
I was so horny on testosterone.
I literally couldn't go to Trader Joe's
with my mom anymore.
[audience laughing]
No. She banned me,
because she'd literally just find me
in like, the Two-Buck Chuck isle,
just like rubbing my genitals
against the wine bottles, like,
"Oh, yeah."
"Uh-huh, that is the spot."
[moaning]
[audience cheers]
She's like, "Heather, how dare you
disrespect Charles Shaw like that?"
[audience laughing]
I was horned up. I was ready to go.
I'd come home looking like Guy Fieri,
and I'd just look
at my husband and be like,
"Let me tell you
something right now, Jeff."
[audience laughing]
"Let's put a little bang-bang sauce
on that dick and go to flavortown."
[audience cheering and applauding]
He's just like, "No."
"I don't want to do that."
So the second step is a little thing
I like to call a vaginal suppository.
Okay?
So imagine, like, a little Jelly Belly
that you get in your Easter basket.
You know what I mean?
Except I'd have to take two of those,
and they were filled with progesterone,
testosterone, and estrogen,
and I would take two of those,
and every day,
I would just, like,
place them inside of me,
and then, just like, pop my pussy.
[audience laughing]
And I would just, like, kegel so hard
so they wouldn't slip out.
I was literally, like, Crip walking
around town, just like,
"I got it. What's up?"
[audience laughing]
Yeah.
So I'm on the vaginal suppositories
for a couple weeks,
my hormones are up and down,
but I finally book a job,
so I've got to fly to LA.
And I'm like, you know what,
I can do this.
I can, you know, put these in every day.
I can go to work, feel like myself again.
So I am flying to LA,
and I'm in Atlanta at the Delta Sky Club,
right? My Mecca. Yeah.
[audience cheering]
So I'm standing in the Delta Sky Club,
and I'm in, like, a really,
like, low-key travel outfit.
You know what I mean?
I have on, like, some sick outfit
with just a big fucking fedora
to make me look like an asshole.
I'm just standing at the front
of the Delta Sky Club,
holding a glass of white wine,
waiting for my fans to find me. I'm like,
"Any minute now,
McManiac will spot me in the wild."
[audience laughing]
And just then, sure enough,
like clockwork,
here comes this young woman running
around the corner and she's like,
"Hey, girl, um, tiramisu bitch."
[audience cheering and applauding]
For those of y'all who don't know,
that's our little code word.
If you see me out in public
and you listen to the podcast,
you just say, like, "Tiramisu bitch,"
and I just know, like,
P2P, pussy-to-pussy,
peer-to-peer, like,
we're on the same page, you know?
We're on the same team.
[audience cheering]
So she just kind of whispered, she's like,
"Hey girl. Um, tiramisu bitch."
"Big fan, but um, listen,
I just wanted to tell you, um...
it kind of looks like you sat in, like,
a couple packets of mayonnaise."
[audience laughing]
I just look down...
in what I can only describe
as like
a melted Kraft Singles murder scene.
[audience laughing]
Apparently, when I was, like, going
through TSA, right,
I went to go sit down to reput on my boots
and I sat down a little too hard
and popped my pussy, and
my vaginal suppository just exploded
in my pants.
[audience laughing]
[sighs]
In that moment, I am fucking mortified.
I have never been so embarrassed
in my life.
I am uncomfortable,
and I just, all of a sudden, feel
that testosterone start to kick in, right?
I feel that dull roar,
and I'm just, like, I am so embarrassed,
I run to the bathroom
in the Sky Club, right?
And I take off my pants,
and I start washing out
my underwear in the sink,
and women are just, like,
walking in and staring at me.
[audience laughing]
And I'm like,
"Look the fuck away, Claire!"
[audience laughing and applauding]
"I am transitioning
and didn't even mean to."
[audience laughing]
"Do you know what it's like to grow a dick
on a Thursday? No. You don't."
[audience laughing]
"So, look the fuck away!"
[audience laughing]
And then I just went back to singing
Post Malone, like,
[singing] I've been poppin' pillies
Man, I feel just like a rockstar
[audience applauding and cheering]
So we get through the first two steps,
the testosterone, the vaginal suppository,
and then we finally get to the third step,
which is the one y'all are probably
most familiar with, right?
We have to do the shots.
Now, this is what was wild about it.
They sent me home
with a bag of drugs,
a bag of loose needles,
and like, a pamphlet, like a one sheeter...
[audience laughing]
...to, like, figure it out on my own.
To me, this is like
a major medical liability. Like,
I am a citizen. I am a civilian.
I could barely figure out
how to pay my taxes and register to vote.
Like, you should not send me home
with loose needles.
[audience laughing]
But I decide, I'm like, no, no,
I can handle this. I got this, right?
And so, I lay out the one-sheet page,
the little pamphlet on what to do,
and I get out my drugs, and I set them up,
and I have my needles, and,
you know, I'm from Atlanta, so I was like,
if we're going to mix some drugs, like,
let's make this
a fucking fertility trap house,
you know what I'm saying though?
[audience cheering]
So I get out my Le Creuset pot, and...
[audience laughing]
...I have my Williams Sonoma apron on,
and I'm like, "Let's cook
some fucking drugs in this bitch."
[audience laughing]
I dump all the fertility drugs in one pot,
and I just, like, turn on
a little Gucci Mane, and I'm just, like,
spinning around, just going like,
[singing]
Look at the flick of that wrist
Look at the flick of that wrist
I mix all my drugs together,
and then I take out all the syringes,
and I pull out the right amount, right?
Like, I just get it out of the vial.
So now I have all my dosages perfectly
placed on a Williams Sonoma cookie sheet.
[audience laughing]
And then I take that cookie sheet
out to my garage,
and you know how
every white woman has a white fridge,
just full of drinks in their garage? Yeah.
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
So I open that fridge door, I slide that
on top of my Spindrift, and I'm like,
I just meal-prepped
for the next two weeks.
[audience laughing]
So for the next two weeks,
I have to give myself
five shots every day.
It was so difficult, but I was like,
after I went through that,
I was like, I can fucking do anything.
So I'm going into the doctor's office
the day before I'm supposed
to do my egg retrieval.
And my doctor pulls up the blood work,
and we're looking
for the eggs on the ultrasound.
And she just says, "Heather, I am..."
"I am so sorry."
"I feel like we really did everything."
"You did three steps."
"But sweetheart,
I don't know how to tell you this,
but we just didn't have
any growth on those eggs."
"We're not going to be able
to do a retrieval."
And just then, one of the nurses runs in,
and she's just like,
"Hey, um, tiramisu bitch. Um..."
[audience laughing]
"Listen, I know this is probably violating
every HIPAA violation,
but I was listening
to the podcast the other day,
and you were bragging about how
you were running a fertility trap house."
[audience laughing]
"And I just feel like maybe it didn't work
because did you read at the bottom
of the pamphlet where it said,
whatever you do, do not pre-batch
the drugs until right about...
until you're right about to inject
yourself with them, or they're no good."
Y'all, I don't say this
for you to feel sorry for me,
but I just don't want you to make
the same mistake as me.
[audience laughing]
I threw $20,000 worth of fertility drugs
down the drain
because I didn't read
the directions right.
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
Like, what the fuck?
And I'm not here to make
some big announcement like I'm pregnant.
I'm not.
But after multiple rounds of trying,
I am excited to share
that my husband and I do have
one baby girl embryo on ice.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you.
Thank you.
I know.
It's so crazy
that I can even say that, right?
Like, science is such a wild thing.
I now know
that I have a baby girl somewhere,
and it is really wild because, you know,
like, I already know,
and I can be honest with myself,
I already know
I'm going to be a terrible mother.
- [audience laughing]
- [scoffs]
You know what I mean?
Like, this baby girl's on ice somewhere,
and I never once asked the doctor, like,
where the fuck she is.
[audience laughing]
She could be, like, tucked...
tucked away behind, like, ground beef
at a Wendy's by the airport...
[audience laughing]
...at the corner of rape and regret.
Like, I don't know.
As soon as you tell people that
you have embryos, of course, they're like,
"When will you implant?
When will you become a mommy?"
I've gotta be honest with you,
I was so grateful to all the women
who encouraged me
while I was going through this process.
But most importantly,
the real bitches were like,
"Listen, Heather, take your time, right?"
"Take your time."
And honestly,
it's kind of terrifying to think
about bringing a new life
into this world, right?
With all this crazy shit going on.
Then the other day, I was talking to Jeff,
I was like, "Maybe we should do it now."
And then we're watching CNN
and just then I look up,
and Greta Thunberg's on the news
and she's just, like,
freaking the fuck out.
[audience laughing]
She's like,
"Everybody run for your lives."
[audience laughing]
"The polar ice caps are melting.
Greenland's on fire."
[audience laughing]
And it dawned on me.
I was like, oh my God.
What if right now,
my baby girl is defrosting,
and I don't even know it?
[audience laughing]
So I just wanted to tell you all tonight,
if for, like, any reason
in the next couple weeks,
next couple months,
you see a little baby girl
in a reed basket...
- [audience laughing]
- ...floating down the Mississippi River...
[audience laughing]
...just like Moses did...
[audience laughing]
...wearing a cheetah print crop top...
[audience laughing]
...holding a glass full of white wine
and smoking a cigarette,
send that baby girl home.
That's my daughter.
[audience cheering and applauding]
And I've realized, my only job
as a mother of a daughter is to make sure
that she doesn't turn into one
of you crazy cunts, you know what I mean?
- [audience laughing]
- Because you bitches are wild.
I got out on the road,
and I started touring,
and we had this one show.
I did this one show in...
in a little place called Charleston,
and... yeah.
It was one
of the wildest nights of my life.
Now, I was so excited
to play the Charleston Music Hall.
I sold it out. This was, like,
my first big real theater show,
and I'm just, like, beaming
with pride, like, this is it.
I start the show,
and then all of a sudden,
Ma'am, right where you are, right?
Like the third row.
Literally, this woman stands up
in front of 2000 people in the theater,
straddles her chair,
points directly at me
and says the weirdest thing
anyone's ever said to me at a show.
She just straddles her chair
and just goes,
"Show me your pussy."
[audience laughing]
[chuckling] Wait. Sorry, my pussy?
[audience laughing]
And here's the thing,
I'd show you my pussy, you know?
I'm very proud of my pussy.
But I don't know if you're like me.
Like, I just, like, quit
laser hair removal cold turkey,
you know what I mean?
[audience laughing]
So right now, my pussy just looks like
a cat with alopecia, you know what I mean?
[audience laughing]
Just like, it's like,
a couple bald spots on the right.
[audience laughing]
A little hot fire eczema
on the crease in the left.
[audience laughing]
I was saying this in Nashville,
and a woman, swear to God,
on the front row just goes,
"Heather, don't be ashamed of eczema."
"My husband's got it
on the tip of his dick."
[audience laughing and applauding]
I was like, "Ma'am,
I don't know how to tell you this,
but that is absolutely not eczema."
[audience laughing and applauding]
[audience cheering and applauding]
"And you need to get
that shit swabbed immediately."
[audience laughing]
Side note, I love... I love a vagina joke.
Like, it just really tickles me.
I feel like there's still such a stigma
with female comedians, they're like,
"I can't believe you're talking
about your sexuality and your vagina,
and, like, the normal human parts, right?"
Because it's such bullshit.
A male comedian could get up here,
drop trou,
do the fucking helicopter for 45 minutes,
and get invited on Joe Rogan,
you know what I mean?
[audience laughing]
And here's the deal.
I love a wide vagina joke,
you know what I mean?
Because at the end of the day,
it's a joke. It's a joke. It's a joke.
Because at the end of the day,
you can't really have a wide vagina,
but you can have a tiny dick.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Not you, sir.
You've got a big dick, you've got
a big dick, you've got a big dick.
Only big dicks in my audience.
[audience cheering and applauding]
In San Diego, this one guy was just like,
"It is what it is, Heather."
[audience laughing]
Like, you did not have to speak up, Mark.
We're good.
So this woman's screaming this,
and everybody in the audience is like,
what the fuck is going on?
So security runs over and they go,
"Hey, ma'am, can you just settle down?"
"Can you just wait till after the show?
Let's not yell anything."
And she didn't like that.
So in that moment,
she got even more angry,
and she re-stood up on her chair,
straddled her seat in the theater,
and she literally, and this is
at the moment when I knew
why she was so fucked up,
so unhinged, so unglued,
she pulls an entire bottle
of sauvignon blanc
out of a dusty Dooney & Bourke bag...
[audience laughing]
...pulls the cork out with her teeth,
puts the bottle to her lips
and just starts body rolling...
[audience laughing]
...as sauvy b runs
down her animal print sweater.
[audience laughing]
Yeah.
We're all like, "What the fuck?"
[audience laughing]
In that moment, security runs over, like,
"Ma'am, you gotta get out of here."
The crowd goes wild. They're like,
"Get her out. She's ruining the show."
[audience laughing]
After the show, I'm like,
what the fuck just happened? Right?
I'm having a moment backstage,
and I'm like, all right,
I'm packing up my shit,
and I'm heading out the door, right?
And I'm heading out the stage door.
And as soon as I bust open the stage door,
here comes this woman,
coming around the corner,
going a hundred fucking miles an hour.
- [audience laughing]
- But it's like in slow motion.
She's just like... ch, ch, ch.
And I'm just like, "Noo."
This woman gets,
like, maybe 40 ft. from me.
And as soon as she's about to grab me,
her just thin ankle rolls off the curb,
and she falls flat on her face.
And in that moment, like,
her Dooney & Bourke bag
just explodes everywhere.
[audience laughing]
I'm literally going to help her up,
and then the cops come around the corner,
and they're like,
"Don't fucking touch her."
"We've been chasing this bitch
for an hour."
[audience laughing and applauding]
So I back off.
But as she's down on the ground,
I'm looking at all the accoutrements
that have fallen out of her purse.
And I see one particular thing,
and I go down to...
to reach down to pick it up,
and it's a jewel.
It's a vape.
[audience laughing]
And I just take a nice big drag of that.
- [inhales]
- [audience cheers]
[exhales]
And it's that good-good mango.
[audience laughing]
And as this woman is
slowly getting picked up off the ground,
her hands behind her back,
she just looks me deadass
in my eyes, and goes,
"Smoke me out, bitch! Smoke me out!"
"I'm going to jail!"
- [audience applauding]
- [chuckles]
[audience cheering]
Yeah.
And as she's yelling, "jail,"
I could see her arch her back,
and her animal print sweater lifts,
and in that moment,
I knew she was one of us.
I could see Old Navy embossed...
[audience laughing]
...right there on her tummy.
[audience laughing and cheering]
And I said,
"Officers, I'll take it from here."
[audience laughing]
They gave her to me,
I put her in the back of our car,
we sobered her up at a waffle house,
and then I drove her home
to make sure she got home okay.
- [audience applauding and cheering]
- Yeah.
And in that moment, I was just thinking,
God, I wish my dad was here to see this.
[audience laughing]
Right before my dad passed, um...
we had a really beautiful
father-son moment in the hospital room.
[audience laughing]
It was just my dad and I,
and it was right before he passed.
And he said,
he just laid there in his hospital bed,
and he put his hand up on my thick neck.
[audience laughing]
He's like, "Baby girl, I want to tell you
a couple things."
"Number one,
always follow your dreams."
"And number two,
never ever live with regret."
"And number three, baby girl,
I've got to apologize about something."
"You did not get your mother
or your sister's genetics, okay?"
[audience laughing and applauding]
"You're built like me,
and I want you take my advice."
"If your friends
Adele, Rebel Wilson, and Khlo...
[audience laughing]
...ever take your ass
to a Cheesecake Factory
and they give you an intervention
because they're concerned about you,
because you're too thin,
honey, you're probably like me."
"You're probably just fucking dying."
Thank you so much.
I'm Heather McMahan.
[audience cheering]
I love you,
and good night.
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- [upbeat jazz music playing]
Can I take a photo?
Can we take a photo?
I love you, Lexington.
Thank you so much.
Good night.
[audience cheering and applauding]
[music ends]