Hello from Nowhere (2021) Movie Script
1
[soft piano music]
[steps crunch]
[rocks and steps crunch]
[tense music]
[orchestra readies]
[wind blows]
Hello?
[tense music]
[screaming] Hello!
[exhales]
[heavy breathing]
[music stops]
[dramatic music]
[man] Since I'll never, ever,
Ever get to be the king
Next to the king,
The next best thing
[woman] Next to the king,
Next to the king
Next to the king
Is the next best thing
[dramatic music]
[man] Oh they paw me
And they tease me
They pinch me
And they squeeze me
And I love it,
Oh yes, I love it all
Yes, we paw him
And we tease him
-And we spank his...
- Ow!
...Little bottom
And he loves it
There's a princess
In Cordoba
Who says her blood is pure
But spectrographic analysis
Has left me not quite sure
If this baby
And that baby
Were switched
While in the cradle
And so the real princess
Has been living in the stable
There could have been
Just such a switch
And now I really don't know
Which is which
[woman]
Which is which
Now I... don't know
Can we stop?
Your girl's way up ahead,
Bren,
don't you want to catch up?
I'm about to pass out.
No you're not,
just keep putting
one foot in front of the other.
[Brendan] What,
do you want me to fall?
[John] No, I don't. I want you
to pump the old ticker,
boom, boom, boom.
Doesn't Denise get on you
about that?
-[Brendan] No.
-[John] Ellen may have
been a bitch
but at least you could keep up
with her.
This one, she'll either
cure you or kill you.
I'm cured.
Yeah, catch your breath.
-Just gimme a sec.
-We'll wait up for you.
Sing to the trees.
[Lanie]
Which, which, which,
which, which, which,
which, which, which,
which, which, which, which.
-Which which which--
-Okay,
while nobody's looking.
Wait, where is he?
He's taking a break.
-He doesn't like being alone,
go get him.
-For a minute?
Yeah. [mimics Brendan]
"The last one in line gets
picked off" he said.
He was joking.
He was serious.
That's how Brendan is serious.
[John sighs]
Tra la la, very serious.
Yes, tra la la.
He keeps singing
for the next four days,
I'm gonna kill a rattlesnake
and shake the rattle
outside of his tent
in the middle of the night.
This trip will be over
in one day.
[Brendan] Which is which,
which is which.
-I never know really which
way is which--
-[Lanie sighs]
-...which is which.
-Shh.
[branch cracks]
Hark, hark,
our scout approacheth.
What news have she, oh scout?
It's beautiful, and there's only
one other tent.
Just like you said,
like Timbuktu.
[upbeat music]
Timbuktu?
Timbuktu!
Andbuk-you.
[group]
Timbuktu's the land where
The sky is always sunny
The grass is always green
And the water tastes funny
[upbeat music]
Tra la la la la,
Tra la la la la la
Tra la la la la la la
[dramatic music]
[sniffs]
Shit.
Maybe, maybe, it could be,
maybe, maybe, possibly.
Hello, how are you?
How can I?
How could you?
[Jason vocalizes]
I staked a claim.
[John] Right by the water,
huh?
It's gorgeous.
Could get windy.
I don't know where you're gonna
stake your fly and...
and the sun will come up right
over there in the morning.
What about our neighbor?
He's right by the water.
[John] You know,
that's the perfect spot,
the cove on the east side.
Wind comes out of the
east.
We're on the west side.
[sighs] Let's move the tarp.
[upbeat music]
[Lanie humming]
No miles shall separate us
Our hearts will beat as one
Though princesses
Shall woo him
Them he will have none
For his heart will be--
[insects buzz]
[wind blows]
[tent rustling]
It's like wrestling an octopus,
huh?
That's the fly, not the tent.
We got this, John. Thank you.
So the tent goes first?
[Brendan] We'll figure it out.
You can suffocate
if you put that on wrong.
What?
Thank you, John.
Hey John, we need water.
I'm helping with the tent.
[Lanie] Oh, I'll help Denise.
You boys go pump.
[dramatic music]
[water splashes]
[Brendan] You're joking.
Tell me you're joking.
You saw the sign
at the trailhead.
There's a fire ring,
so obviously people--
-Excuse me.
-People shouldn't be
making fires.
Well what, are the cops
gonna jump out of the bushes?
I brought stuff for s'mores,
and if we don't grill...
will you slow down?
[John] Sorry.
You move through this stuff
so easily.
[John] Years of bushwhacking.
Native Americans moved through
the forest like the wind,
touching nothing,
leaving no trace.
[Brendan] What tribe are you,
John?
Animals, even big ones
like elk, move silently.
We could be surrounded
by a herd of bloodthirsty elk
-right now.
-Aren't they vegetarians?
[John] This is rough country.
These are Northwest elk.
Even the chipmunks
are bloodthirsty.
[chipmunk chatters]
And the trees?
Late at night they reach out
with their limbs--
[Brendan] Will you stop it?
Should I sing?
Where's the stream?
Listen.
[water rushing]
[Brendan] Oh my God,
that looks good.
Wait, you gotta pump it.
-Give me the pump.
-Not here, it's too shallow.
[dramatic music]
You need a deep pool
so you can get your tube in...
and then it's gotta be running
and not standing still.
Of course, then
you'll also want a dry place
to sit while you pump.
What about right here?
Mm, not feeling it.
You know what I'm feeling,
John?
I'm feeling thirst.
You know, I'm parched.
I mean,
our camp's the other way,
the water's right here.
I'm not a camel.
I like pumping water.
It's like meditation.
When you find the right spot
and the sun's...
Let's go around.
Our neighbor.
Hello.
[goofy voice] Fancy meeting you
at the old watering hole.
Hello.
I'm sorry. We'll give you
some space.
I've been all up and down
this stream.
This is the spot.
-I always wanted to go camping.
-Really?
You know the Earth Channel,
with the waves and the clouds?
I always put that on the TV
at the gym.
-[insects buzzing]
-Wow.
Is that where you met Brendan?
Uh-huh, I was subbing
for his regular trainer.
He was puffing like a train
and he saw me laughing
and he went "toot, toot."
[laughing] Oh God.
Then he asked me to dinner.
When Brendan and I dated,
you know,
I always had to buy him dinner.
We'd meet at Zippy's
and eat french fries
while we ran lines.
For Marmaduke Murgatroyd?
Uh-huh.
Has he played you the tape?
To Timbuktu we go,
A flock of tiny tits
[both] Together we are one,
But we're really lots of bits
-Boreal.
-Gay.
-Black Himalay.
-[both laugh]
Oh God,
you know the whole thing.
Brendan likes to put it on
when we make dinner.
He doesn't.
You haven't killed him yet?
It's cute.
He dances around,
he acts out all the parts.
I never had a guy that
likes to dance before.
Huh?
[Brendan] Canada to Mexico?
-I mean, that's gotta be--
-2,650 miles.
You've done this, John?
The PCT?
-No.
-1600 down, 1050 to go.
Then I shave
and rejoin the workforce.
-[John] Where is that?
-Design Logic,
Silicon Valley.
And you've done
these epic hikes before?
Sure. Appalachian Trail,
Inca Trail,
Grand Canyon,
Alaska.
-Alaska? And you
weren't eaten by bears?
-[laughs]
I know how to handle 'em.
I bet you do.
I...
[playful music]
...I love the skirt.
Oh, thank you,
much less chafing than pants.
You know, I think
I should take this look
back to New York.
A little lumberjack,
a little drag queen.
Brendan.
Sorry, he thinks he's funny.
You think it would sell?
I think you
would rule the runway.
Here.
That's it!
Oh yeah, now that's it,
that's it.
Oh yeah, now work it.
[playful music]
That's it, now work that turn.
Magnificent.
[Brendan chuckles]
May I ask you a favor?
John says you have
the perfect campsite.
I said it's the best one
on the lake.
I remember hearing
the word "perfect."
Anyway, we're having an issue
with tent placement,
and I was wondering
with your vast experience,
if you could advise us.
I don't think we have
any issues.
Well, he could
meet the ladies.
They could talk fashion.
I wouldn't mind a chance
to talk. It's been a while.
Excellent, and you could tell
us all about Alaska.
I mean, what do people do there?
-Is there theater?
-I don't know.
Do they have
a symphony orchestra?
-I think so.
-I mean, did you kill a bear?
-How many bears did you kill?
-A lot.
How many beers
-did you drink?
-So many.
You know he stage managed
and acted that show.
Uh-huh.
He'd pull up the curtain
and run on stage
and they'd cook up some reason,
you know.
[mimics Brendan]
"Lord Barnabas was always
returning
from foreign lands."
[chuckles]
What happened after the play?
Well, I don't know.
We started thinking about
colleges, went our
separate ways.
It was just a high school thing.
I know, I didn't mean to put
you on the spot.
Sure, I know you didn't.
And I'm very glad he met you.
Now whip him into shape.
[chuckles]
No, I like his belly.
He needs it.
I love the way it shakes
when he laughs,
the way it floats
in the hot tub,
the way I sink into him
when we--
You... um, teach spinning
at the gym?
I teach everything: spinning,
yoga, weights, cardio.
[footsteps approaching]
Oh look, the boys
caught something.
Lanie and Denise, meet Jason.
We've already met
at a distance.
Hello, Denise.
[Denise giggles]
He was on a mountain top.
Doing my Isadora Duncan thing.
Who's that?
She's a dancer.
You've seen her dance?
Jason's here to vet our camp.
[Jason]
And to practice talking.
Oh, how long has it been?
I mean, I say hi to people
every day on the trail,
but a real conversation?
A long time.
Story of my life. I mean,
who really talks to anyone?
Oh, thanks dear.
Now, what is this
about our campsite?
[tongue clicks]
Yes. What is this, Brendan?
I just wanted to know
if our tents were
properly placed.
Oh, uh... [exhales]
[tongue clicks]
Well, they're on the ground.
That's good.
Umm...
I like to be close
to the shore myself.
What about the wind
and the sunrise?
What wind?
And the sun won't come over
that hill 'til at least 10:30.
Yeah, what wind, John?
It could start.
Oh.
You just had us move it
for no reason at all.
[chuckles]
Weather changes.
You know what,
we're-- we're putting it back.
No, no, you're putting it back.
Oh, am I?
-Yeah, cause you--
-[Jason] Hey, leave it.
Leave it, leave it.
Go put your sleeping bags
down by the shore.
When it gets dark tonight,
you can lie there
and look at the stars,
and you listen to the wind
and the water,
and you hug each other,
and you slowly pass out.
Then you wake up freezing
at three in the morning
and you crawl in your tent,
and trust me,
it doesn't matter where it is.
Well, I should get back
to my camp.
It was a pleasure
to meet you up close.
You too. Stop by
if you need anything.
A cup of sugar? A piano?
[laughs] It's good to have
neighbors.
-[Lanie chuckles]
-[playful music]
-You know, he went to Alaska.
-Bye.
-And he went to Machu Picchu.
-Really? Where?
I'm way less freaked out
by him now.
[dramatic music]
Over 1,600 miles.
And we've gone?
Three.
I wonder what his feet
look like.
I wonder what he wears
under that skirt.
I say we ask him to dinner.
Don't bother him.
Oh, come on. Just because
you're antisocial doesn't
mean everybody is.
He's out here for a reason.
Ten zillion people hike
this trail every year.
It's a party,
people are hooking up,
they're smoking pot.
Look at that camp, Brendan.
He's got a tarp covering
a huge pile of wood.
That guy's not through hiking,
he's living here.
A hobo.
A hobo sexual?
He's a squatter.
Nonsense, I bet he's gone
before we wake up tomorrow.
And all that will remain
is the echo
of his skirt
flapping in the breeze.
Who were you, skirted hiker?
Maybe he's...
[mimics Scottish accent]
...Scottish.
[imitating Scottish accent]
Aye, a kilted hiker
hiking the Highlands
from Edinburgh to Loch Ness,
playing his bagpipes.
[trio imitate bagpipes]
[group sings]
[bagpipe music]
What have ye
Underneath that kilt,
Me lad?
Are you hiding a shillelagh
Down there?
Oh, that fabric ain't flat,
Me lad
Are you happy
To see me, dear?
[laughs] Oh, that's--
that's disgusting.
Well, hello there.
Well, don't you want to see
what's under my kilt?
-Have you ever been
skinny dipping?
-[insects buzzing]
-No.
-Oh, come on.
It's the best part of camping.
[water splashes]
Is it cold?
Just dive in, that way
you don't feel it.
Can you go in
a little deeper, John?
[insects buzzing]
Woo!
-[Lanie and John giggle]
-Oh, it's-- [gasping]
We're going for a hike.
Oh, I guess not.
[harmonica plays]
It was absolutely freezing.
Did you-- did you touch it?
I don't care, Bren.
We probably shouldn't go
too far.
I mean, we won't get lost.
The trail is quite clear, but...
It is.
[playful music]
-Where are you going?
-Come on.
[Denise laughs]
[animals chatter]
Wow.
[panting]
Trees.
[playful music]
Where's the trail?
I don't know.
We're lost in the woods.
Totally.
No phone, no radio,
just you and me,
like Adam and Eve.
Madam, I'm Adam.
It's a palindrome.
Spell it backward.
[playful music]
[harmonica music]
-[water splashes]
-[John sighs]
[laughs]
Oh, you're freezing!
-God, you're beautiful.
-[both exhale]
Yeah?
Let's get in the tent.
No, get the camera.
[softly] Ooh.
[bird chirps]
How's this?
[John sighs]
-[camera clicks]
-[insects buzz]
-[Brendan vocalizes]
-[crunching footsteps]
When a fairy waves
His wand at you
You're in for a surprise
When you become a rat,
A snake, a swarm
Of tsetse flies
This fairy stuff is pretty
Dim, I don't believe a thing
That wand of yours
Is just like straw
Take off those silly wings
[Jason whispers the melody]
All right,
which way is the trail?
Down the hill, silly.
We walked up the trail
when we left it,
and we haven't crossed it since.
We haven't?
For someone
who's never been camping,
you're awfully sure of yourself.
Awfully? I'm awful? [laughs]
With an awfully good sense
of direction.
[dramatic music]
[birds chirp]
[Denise giggles]
[harmonica music]
A swarm of tsetse flies
Da da da da da da...
[John] There you two are.
I thought you got eaten
by a bear.
Don't do the bear thing.
Last time,
in the middle of the night,
he hid in the bushes
and he growled.
I was taking a shit.
It only sounded like growling.
Cheese and cracker?
Thank you.
So there aren't any bears?
Well, there's one
every hundred miles.
The most annoying ones
hang out in parking lots,
but they're not out here.
Water's boiling: coffee,
tea, hot chocolate?
What I need is a tin mug
full of Merlot.
[Denise coos, laughs]
-For the first night.
-Ha ha ha.
You know you're gonna
have to carry that bottle
for the next three days.
Oh, boohoo-hoo-hoo.
-I'll carry it for a night.
-Me too.
And we won't break it,
so don't say it.
We could have put it
in plastic.
Oh God, please strike him
with lightning.
[women laugh]
-What are we
gonna eat with this?
-[Denise] Mm.
You choose.
This is astronaut food.
No water weight.
It's very efficient.
This is a Chateau Dubois.
It deserves a thick steak.
[upbeat music]
You didn't.
[laughs] Don't be silly,
I wouldn't carry all
that water weight.
Son of a...
It was at the bottom.
[Denise giggles]
Espionage.
Well,
Bren was carrying the wine.
I was, too. [laughs]
And I was carrying
your bow tie.
[playful music]
Tally ho.
[mellow music]
[Lanie inhales] Ooh.
He must think we're crazy.
I wonder what he's cooking.
You know he knows
we're watching, right?
Hmm, I don't think
he's a vegetarian.
[group laughs and shushes]
-Boo!
-Help, help,
I'm under dressed.
We have come to kidnap you
and feed you wine and steak.
-Bring a cup.
-And your harmonica.
You guys have a tie for me?
Oh, the guest of honor
doesn't need to be dressed up.
Here, take--
take my cummerbund.
Thank you.
Come on, come on, march, go,
come on.
-[peaceful music]
-[bird chirps]
Thank you.
I haven't seen meat
in two weeks.
You're not gonna fry 'em,
are you?
Well, yeah, I was thinking
about it.
Steak? You gotta grill 'em.
You've got a grill?
Just make one
from tent stakes.
You wrap foil around the ends
and put 'em between two rocks.
Don't have any foil.
Really?
Hmm, let's see, um,
iodine pills, poncho,
snake bite kit, ah.
[sniffles]
-[Lanie gasps]
-[Denise] Mm.
[John sighs]
-Go get wood.
-Woohoo.
Come forage for faggots,
young Marmaduke.
That we may build a nest
for the tits.
Let's pull some tent stakes.
I know where
there's some good firewood.
-You got the grill, right?
-[Brendan] S'mores,
we're going to have s'mores.
S'mores, we're gonna have
s'mores.
Yeah, I got the grill.
[Brendan]
Tits and s'mores!
[dramatic music]
[Brendan] No, no, no, no, no,
no, no.
You were never on the ship.
[Lanie laughs] Oh, of course
I was, for the sacrifice.
I remember the ribbons
tickling my toes.
[Brendan inhales]
You didn't have the flames,
I had the flames.
There's a stand of spruce
up here that's dry.
A lot of this stuff's wet,
won't burn so good.
It was in the scene
in the blacksmith.
-On the ship.
-No, no,
I vividly remember the ribbons
tickling me
as I pounded the horseshoe.
No, no, no, no. The pirates were
going to burn me.
They wouldn't burn
down the ship.
Oh, realism.
Is that what you claim?
-Yes.
-What are
you guys talking about?
[both] The fire!
Brendan thinks everything
was in his scene.
I was in a lot of scenes.
In the crowd,
jumping up and down.
She told me to stay active.
Active. Oh, is that
what you call this?
I did not jump like that.
Let's give them a moment.
You were like, "Monkey,
ooh ooh ah ah."
No, I did not.
I was a character.
I did research. I was six
different characters.
I can tell you every which one
and how I walked.
-Lord Barnabas...
-I walked like this
-when I'm Lord Barnabas.
-...the monkey, the lion.
I walk like this when I was...
You sure they're not brother
and sister?
Looks like it, huh?
They dated back in high school.
And they were both
in Marmaduke Murgatroyd
and the Fairy Pirates of
Bratvakistan.
Marmaduke Murgatroyd
and the Fairy...
Pirates of Bratvakistan,
an imaginary Gilbert
and Sullivan musical
their drama teacher wrote.
And it was so funny and so fun.
And here, let me sing you some.
That's all right.
So, they're still friends.
And when I told Brendan
I'd never been camping before--
You've never been camping?
Before Brendan,
I'd never done anything.
Never been to the opera
or Broadway.
You've been to the ballet.
You move like you have.
I'm an aerobics instructor.
Is that how you met Brendan?
Mm-hmm.
He's been teaching me
about Isadora Duncan,
people like that, shining me up.
You look shiny to me.
Lanie, she's shiny.
How do you like camping?
It's beautiful. I love it.
I was telling John
and Brendan that
I start a new job
in a few weeks.
The truth is I start a new job
every few weeks.
I save up a little money,
then I hit the trail.
Live out here?
I move every once in a while,
follow the weather.
Don't you ever get lonely?
Sometimes.
Don't tell your friends,
all right?
It's embarrassing.
You were leaping around
like an organ grinder's monkey.
You might as well
have been holding
one of those little cups.
Oh, all this
from the queen of shriek.
The leading lady.
Oh, the only reason
Ms. Hagen cast you
is 'cause she knows
if she didn't,
you'd slit your wrists.
[scoffs] She loved my voice.
Oh no, she didn't.
-Oh yes she--
-She told me everything.
-Monkey.
-Oh!
Shrieker.
Peon.
-Diva.
-Oh!
Slimy little stage rat
who wishes
he could be
an actor... [chuckles]
Looks good.
It's gonna taste good.
Give me some of the small stuff.
[Lanie] I wanna see
how he lights this.
Anyone else would pour gas
on it, but not John. No,
that would be cheating.
We could start a fire that way.
Really, I think he should
just rub two sticks together.
Actually, the Native Americans
would wrap a bow string
-around a stick and spin it.
It's very difficult.
-[John blowing]
Maybe if you light the bark.
Maybe if you suck
instead of blow.
Maybe if you people take a walk.
Yeah, ladies, why don't you
just "take a walk"?
[Lanie groans]
[playful music]
[Lanie scat sings]
[Denise] Thank you, Lanie,
for inviting me--
Us. It's so beautiful.
[Lanie]
Huh. Glad you're having fun.
When Brendan told me
you moved, I didn't know why,
but now I see.
Well, uh, I can see
he's very happy with you.
Is he?
Mm-hmm, I can tell.
How? What's his happy look?
[scoffs] You can't read Brendan
from his face.
You can't read me
from my face either.
We're theater people.
We're always wearing a mask.
I read Brendan
through his voice.
[speaks tensely]
This is angry Brendan.
[speaks slowly]
This is bored Brendan.
[Denise] Hmm.
[Lanie] This is sad Brendan.
But this is Brendan with you!
And I haven't heard him
this happy since high school.
You're the new me.
[melancholic music]
God damn it.
I'll get some gas.
[fire whooshes]
-[crickets chirp]
-[melancholic music]
[harmonica plays]
[group sings, slurs]
You'll transform from a man
Into something from a zoo
When a fairy waves
His terrible
Magical wand at you
That sounded awful.
No it didn't.
Well, I meant I sounded awful.
No, you sounded like Gilbert
and Sullivan on a harmonica.
Yes, that's the melody.
I liked it.
What about your artistic
opinion, John?
I think we should hang
the food.
[Brendan] Oh,
how very diplomatic.
How do we sound?
John's got a point.
Hanging food
in the dark's no fun.
Thank you.
I'll give you a hand.
[Lanie]
Okay, fairy boys.
Did she really call me
the Queen of Shriek?
-[Brendan] She did.
-[Denise] Mm-hmm.
When a fairy waves his wand
When a fairy waves his wand,
Poof
Please have mercy.
Don't I sound good?
It's a classic.
It's so much fun.
I've been listening
to Marmaduke Murgatroyd
for 16 years.
You don't find yourself
singing it?
[scoffs] The day that happens.
What?
How about this one?
You think you can
get the rope up there?
Oh, I can get it up.
You've done this before.
-Yep.
-[dramatic music]
Bratvaki is a language
Invented by the king
Ding dong, ding ding dong
Some German and some Polish
With an Oriental ring
-Ding dong, ding ding dong
-[Lanie laughs]
Wait, no, no, no, it's "ding,
dong, ding ding, dong."
That's what I said.
-No, you said--
-Shh.
-[animal growls]
-Do you hear that?
-[leaves rustle]
-[growling continues]
John, stop that!
[John coughs]
Sorry.
Man, that wasn't funny
the first time.
-Well, where is the--
-[Jason screams]
-[trio screams]
-[John laughs]
[laughs] I've always wanted
to do that.
[John] His idea, his idea.
-You, you rat.
-Guys, help me.
Oh yeah, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Good work, women, good work.
He earned it.
Uncle? Huh, uncle?
[Jason grunts]
-[Lanie laughs]
-All right, all right,
uncle, uncle, uncle.
[everyone sighs]
-[Lanie sighs]
-[Jason] Ah.
[exhales]
Fire's dying.
Is there any wine left?
Alas, no.
Next time, more wine.
I guess I won't throw
another log on the fire.
I do have a bit of hooch.
-Ooh.
-It's mostly for
-medicinal purposes.
-What flavor?
Oh, it's pure grain alcohol.
No water weight.
-[upbeat music]
-[crackles]
-[Brendan spits]
-[Jason] Oh, don't waste it.
-[Lanie] Ah.
-It burns.
All right.
-Woo.
-We'll add some jungle juice.
I don't usually mix
alcohol and sports drinks,
but we're not driving tonight.
Why don't you mix them?
Sports drinks are designed
to enter your system
very quickly to rehydrate you.
If you spike them,
the alcohol hits you faster too.
Wait.
-[Denise spits]
-[all chuckle]
Do you know any ghost stories,
Jason?
-No, but I do know
some drinking games.
-[Brendan] Mm!
-[John] Like what?
-You guys know Bartender?
We go around adding drinks
to the order,
only one of each kind.
If you forget the order,
you take a drink.
I'll start.
Bartender, I'll have a scotch
and soda.
[playful music]
Bartender, I'll have a scotch
and soda and a Rusty Nail.
I'll have a scotch and soda,
and a Rusty Nail,
and a cosmopolitan.
[Brendan]
Ooh!
And a beer.
And a glass of wine.
And a sidecar.
And a Black Russian.
And a White Russian.
And a Mai Tai.
And a Black Russian,
and a White Russian,
and a Mai Tai, and...
I don't recall.
[group laughs] Drink!
I don't know cocktails.
-All right.
-[Brendan] Yeah, right.
[Lanie gags]
Whoa.
Oh Jesus, okay.
What other games do you know?
All right, oh,
this one's called circus.
[circus music]
[group cheers]
Oh!
How do you do that?
[group cheers]
Very impressive.
[celebratory noises]
[group]
Aw!
[grunts]
[spits]
[kisses]
[grunts]
[screams]
[group laughs]
Oh boy, we just played circus.
That was crazy.
All right,
now we play deadpan.
You guys have a pen and paper?
[Brendan]
Uhh...
[John] Huh.
I have fluffy bunnies
in my underwear.
-[Denise laughs]
-Drink!
Okay.
[Lanie clears throat]
I love to tinkle when I winkle
and my poo poo calls me da-da.
[laughs]
[group] Drink!
I can't, oh God.
Dingle dongle.
Tough muff.
Krakatoa, spermatoza,
undergo a feather boa.
[group laughs]
Drink, we all drink,
we all drink.
We all drink! 'Cause
she said spermatoza.
How do you say it?
-Spermatozoa.
-Spermatozoa.
Well, I've never said it
before.
-It's spelled T-O-Z--
-I can read.
Atoza, Spinoza, Mendoza,
Gyoza.
On the nose-a,
-a-woes-a, a-goza, yoza, moza,
-[Lanie continues]
aboza, a-teeza, a-weeza,
in the woods-a.
[overlapping nonsense words]
Ooh, with some hooch-a-no-sa.
[Brendan and Lanie chant]
[John]
Most likely to get poison ivy?
[Brendan makes game show noises]
Me?
We don't have it out here.
It's gotta be someone
back East.
Poison Iva, Godiva, I drinka,
I thinka.
A most likely
to piss in the shower.
-Drink.
-[women chuckling]
Thanks a lot.
I said "likely,"
I wasn't accusing you.
Most likely
to get lost in the woods.
[upbeat music]
Most likely to get lost
in Midtown Manhattan, ha.
Most likely to eat
two desserts-a.
Most likely to get plastic
surgery. I said likely.
Most likely to leave his keys
at a restaurant
and be too embarrassed
to go back to look for them.
Most likely--
-To put ice in their wine.
-Wear a girdle.
[slurring]
To bother Meryl Streep
so much at a restaurant
that she has to-- they have to
be escorted back to their table.
[Lanie verbalizes
into her drink]
Most likely
to leave his spouse
at a party and not tell her.
Most likely to be dancing
on the table at the party.
-It's my turn.
-Most likely
to not come home
until the next day.
Most likely to sleep
on a bench.
-Oh, I'll drink two.
-Ah, drink.
[sarcastically]
This is fun, Jason.
You got any more games?
I'm going to bed.
Oh, come on, Denise,
there's still hooch in that cup.
Hey-- hey, you can finish ours.
Wait, one more, one more.
I only know one more game
and it only works
-if lots of people play.
One more.
-[Brendan, Denise groan]
[John sniffs]
Hello.
This game's called paranoia.
The person on your right
whispers a question,
you say
"who here is the answer?"
If people wanna know
the question,
they have to take a drink.
Then you whisper the question
to them.
However, the person named
can't find out.
Sound like fun?
You've played this before?
Sure, bunch of times.
I bet you never played
with someone twice.
You start.
[Brendan sighs]
[whispers]
Jason.
Okay, who here wants to know
what Denise thinks about me?
I do.
[laughs] Oh, definitely.
Definitely what?
Ah ah ah, not for your ears.
All right, now Denise
whispers to John.
Ha. Lanie.
Oh, surprise, surprise.
I'll pay for that one.
I don't care,
so I'll skip the drink.
[John whispers]
-She does?
-[group laughs]
I thought it was natural.
-All right, now John,
whisper to me.
-[John chuckles]
[whispers loudly]
Who wears the most makeup?
Brendan.
Brendan?
[laughs]
-I'll pay for that.
-Me too.
Who here gets a heart attack?
That's sick.
I thought it was funny.
[laughs]
Who would taste the best
for dinner?
[Jason] Okay, my turn.
[Jason clears throat]
Who here hates
Gilbert and Sullivan?
[Lanie laughs]
That thing, definitely.
I don't wanna play anymore.
Neither do I.
I do.
What did he say?
That's a secret.
What did you say?
Can't tell you,
it's against the rules.
Cha! This game's over.
Thank you all for the best meal
I've had in weeks.
I hope you have a great trip.
Good night.
Can you find your way home?
Sure, I can see
in the dark.
Uh, goodnight, Jason.
[tense music]
[John]
Who's the first millionaire?
[Lanie]
This isn't a game show.
[John]
Who gets a divorce?
Who walks off a cliff?
I wish you were that clumsy.
It was nothing, wasn't it?
[chuckles] Go to sleep.
You just want a secret
with your new audience.
You're drunk.
Nice show you put on for him.
You can send him
the pictures I took.
That was for you, darling.
-Was it?
-Mm-hmm, yes.
Prove it.
Look,
I don't want to right now.
You never really do.
[tense music]
[Lanie and John argue]
Let's try to sleep.
Not a chance.
[Lanie] Yeah, fighting
is fun for, like, a second.
We all got way too drunk.
Jesus, that stuff was strong.
I don't feel drunk at all.
Well, you are.
I wanna go home.
I thought you loved it here.
The trees, the mountains.
-And you love it, too?
-I do.
I love watching you in it.
Wouldn't you rather be watching
Marmaduke Murgatroyd.
His pedigree shows
In his brief resume
-For all experienced noblemen
Say
-[shushes]
Their job's to be
Underemployed
-Don't sing that.
-Oh, I can't sing it.
I'm not allowed.
[tent unzips]
[Lanie cries]
Stay here.
But your heart is in
Swampwhistle, beloved Marmaduke,
tarry not in Bratvakistan.
[tense music]
[Lanie sobs]
-Where'd he go?
-What?
[sniffles]
Brendan.
Oh.
Now,
when we were in high school...
we never...
I was gay then.
When did you find out
you weren't?
Later.
Did you ever want to...
with me?
Yes.
Well, I am so sorry.
-It's all right.
-It's not.
-Yes.
-Oh, Bren, I'm sorry.
-I'm so sorry.
-Where's John?
-He--
-Does he have a flashlight?
He doesn't need one.
He can see in the dark.
Jesus.
[tense music]
John.
John!
Get some rest.
How is she?
Upset.
Maybe you should stay with her.
Maybe you should.
-All right.
-No.
Let her sleep.
She's drunk too, right?
John is in the woods.
You wanna go look for him?
He'll be okay.
You guys sure are friends.
[exhales]
Maybe you're right. Maybe
we should head back tomorrow.
We could get a room
at the beach.
No, we're hiking all the way.
Hike, hike, hike,
with our packs on,
even on down days.
Because when I was a mile
ahead of you guys this morning,
I was having a really good time.
[tense music]
[footsteps crunching]
Couldn't sleep?
Huh.
Yeah, me neither.
Wanna take a hike?
Yeah, sure.
It thins out around 5,000 feet.
You can see the line
cutting across the hill there.
[John] First the deciduous,
then the fir.
Then all we have
are these shrubs.
You ever hike Glacier?
In Montana? Sure.
Did the Highline Trail
over to Grinnell.
That's always been on my list.
How about Yellowstone?
Joshua Tree, Yosemite?
-Those too.
-That's a long list.
When we moved out west,
I thought I'd be backcountry
all the time.
Then work piled up
and Lanie really only puts up
with it for me.
-There's an owl.
-Where?
That shadow circling the trees.
-Hear it?
-[owl hoots]
[dramatic music]
[wind blows]
[John] Looks like a postcard.
"Hello from nowhere."
Have you ever spent a long time
trying to get something...
then get it, and realize
you don't really want it?
Sometimes I think I married it.
[Jason sighs]
You rationalize, you tell
yourself you like your life,
but you don't.
You're just living in service
of a dream
that didn't pan out.
What was her name?
Design Logic.
Where you work?
I started her 12 years ago.
Sold her last September
for $15 million.
So I'm not really
leaving the woods.
You don't have to either
if you don't want to.
We could do Glacier, Denali,
New Zealand. My treat.
That's very generous.
You'd be surprised how hard
it is to find good company.
No one's ever called me that.
You've been hanging out
with the wrong people.
Jason, I'm gonna kick myself
in the ass
for the rest of my life,
but I can't.
Sure you can. We'll leave
tonight when they're sleeping,
we can get you new gear
in the next town.
You got the wrong idea.
Lanie and I are...
we don't always fight.
Really?
You seem pretty well practiced.
[scoffs]
It's fun for her.
Like flirting? That's fun too.
She doesn't flirt.
She's just theatrical.
Ah, and you like that?
I just can't leave it.
You sure she won't leave you?
Theater people aren't like me
and you, John.
-I know.
-They need that light
on them all the time,
that feeling of being special,
above the crowd.
And you took Lanie away
from all that
to the woods, to nowhere.
Now the only light she's got
on her is guys like me.
Let's head back.
To what?
Why are you up here with me,
John,
not warm in your tent
humping like a bunny?
Why'd I get that little show
this afternoon?
I told you.
Cut your losses. Walk away now.
I can't, so just stop asking.
You can, John. You don't know
what you can do.
I can't. I just can't.
Then you are pathetic
and you deserve it.
All her shit you'll deserve,
all the free shows
for younger men.
You don't know her.
"Why does he put up with it?"
people will wonder.
"Does he have a pair?"
You know what
I whispered to Lanie?
"Most likely
to sleep alone tonight."
She's probably just waiting
for you to pass--
-No! [screams]
-Whoa!
[Brendan] Shit!
[Lanie sighs]
John!
[group] John.
John!
I'll get a flashlight.
[ominous music]
We're coming, John!
-[ominous music]
-[wind blows]
[footsteps]
[panting]
[Brendan] Wait, slow down.
[Brendan grunts]
Denise.
[tense music]
[owl hoots]
[Brendan pants harder]
They...
[owl hoots]
[approaching footsteps]
Oh, are you okay?
[breathy] Yeah, yeah.
I tripped.
[breathy]
I found Jason.
He says John's hurt.
We hiked up to the peak,
then on the way back, I...
What?
I don't know.
Come on!
[tense music]
[Lanie quietly] Here.
Oh.
I'm fine.
I think I broke my leg.
You walked off a cliff,
you dummy.
-If I can lean on you,
-Here.
I think I can make it
back to camp.
In the morning, I'll hike
to the ranger station
and get us some help.
I'll go now.
It's only three miles.
You shouldn't go at night.
I can see, and I can't sleep.
Wait.
Denise!
-She's always running off.
-[Lanie] Huh.
Go after her.
I can't catch her.
You're not gonna try?
Cougars hunt at night.
Shit.
Can you go?
You don't want her?
All right.
Why can't Denise sleep?
I don't know.
Do you think
they'll be all right?
There's like one cougar
every hundred miles.
-Help me up.
-Are you sure?
-Ah!
-You should just--
argh, wait, yes.
[all grunt]
[Lanie, John] Argh!
[dramatic music]
[Denise panting]
[mysterious sound]
[footsteps approach]
Ow!
Damn, you're fast.
I wouldn't have tripped
if you hadn't been chasing me.
You shouldn't be out here
alone.
Why not?
[Jason grunts]
The big, bad wolf could steal
your picnic basket.
I don't have a picnic basket.
Oh, I'm too late.
-[dramatic music]
-[people grunting]
[Lanie] Got you.
-Finally got my wish.
-What's that?
A walk without the talk.
If I knew that
was so important to you,
I would've shut up.
-Hey, you wanna take a break?
-No, keep going.
I think we're close to the lake.
[John grunts]
[Lanie] Oh God,
yeah it's way too far.
Uck! Oh!
[grunts]
Let's stop here.
No, I can.
God.
[group grunts]
-[Lanie] Whoo! Whoa.
-[grunts]
[both exhale]
I'm gonna get
Jason's sleeping bag.
Don't touch his stuff.
-You're shivering.
-No, I'm not.
-[Lanie sighs]
-[shudders]
[John grunts]
Thanks.
I weigh 170 pounds.
-So?
-I was barely
leaning on Lanie.
You're stronger than you look.
I'll make a blanket.
God it's heavy.
Put it back.
What is this?
These are all different people.
This one's a Jason,
Design Logic.
Doesn't even look like him.
He must be a thief.
No, no he's...
let me see.
[ominous music]
Denise, he's with Denise.
She'll be fine.
You don't want her?
That's the last thing
he said when...
Oh God.
No, he wouldn't hurt her.
Are you sure? [stammers]
Why would he say that?
-Why would he say that?
-I don't know.
I just don't think he's violent.
You're not a woman.
I brought her on this trip.
Brendan. [shouts] Brendan!
-No, no, don't! Put that down.
-Just in case.
-Leave it.
-I'll keep it in my pocket.
Denise!
[Lanie] Shit.
He won't need it.
Do you know he won't?
No.
Okay, what happened up there?
You don't fall, not even drunk.
You wanna move back
to New York?
You are drunk.
I'll move back if you want to.
You can act.
Is that what you did,
talk about New York?
I want you to have a career.
What did he say to you?
[Jason]
It leaps on the deer's back
and she takes off with the cat
on top of her.
She's running left and right,
trying to shake him,
but she can't
'cause he's got his claws
just dug in so hard.
And he climbs up her side,
and he's just about to bite her
in the neck when suddenly
this buck comes charging up
and spears him in the side
with his antlers.
Man, I have never seen a cat
leap so high in my life.
[squeals] It roars and just
takes off into the woods.
Like watching
the Earth Channel.
You must see all kind of things
out here.
Mostly it's like this, but once
every hundred miles, bam.
Bam.
[dramatic music]
[Lanie] All around the world?
[John] He said we'd go
to Canada,
Alaska, New Zealand.
[chuckles]
And... why did you say no?
Why?
-Yeah.
-Is it so dark
you can't see why?
Can't you see how
I'm looking at you right now?
Lanie, if I never touch you
again, I'll stay with you.
I'm your number-one fan.
Oh my God.
You're as beautiful to me now
as you were the first moment
I saw you.
Hmm,
when was that?
Hmm?
When did you first see me?
-[John] The burlesque,
when we met.
-[Lanie laughs]
[Lanie] I don't think you
talked to me for, like, weeks.
-[John] Yeah, I was so busy.
-You were just that guy
up in the rafters.
You know, you don't have
to go back to New York.
You can stay here with me.
We can hike the PCT,
go to Canada.
-I can't.
-You can, just like that.
Let's just have tonight.
I want you every night.
If you leave,
you'll want me, too.
I will.
So keep me.
You should be free.
Free?
That's a nice way to put it.
-I just meant--
-You just meant
I should be single, alone.
-No.
-You have your fling
and head back to New York
while I'm left here.
You belong here, I don't.
And where do you belong?
At the opera?
At the ballet?
Arm candy for that clown?
Is that the life for you?
-We should go.
-Me and all this,
we're just a quickie,
a call of nature.
Jason, let go.
You think
he actually loves you?
Stop talking.
Why do you think
he's not here?
-Stop it.
-He sent me.
He said, "I don't want her."
I said stop it.
-[Brendan] Denise?
-Brendan!
Get away from her.
That's my gun.
Back away.
I was wrong. He does want you.
Stop.
Stop!
Jason, don't.
I'm attacking you, Brendan...
very slowly.
Jesus.
You know too much.
I have to kill you now.
I'm getting closer,
a few more steps.
Don't, he didn't hurt me.
Then why were you yelling?
Yes, Denise, why don't you
explain that to your boyfriend?
No, don't. I don't care.
[John] I was so busy
rewiring the place,
-I never even looked down.
-[Lanie sighs]
Two weeks of rehearsal,
I was ripping out
all that old copper,
and stringing up lights.
[Lanie]
Well, when did you look down?
[John]
Opening night.
-Hmm.
-I was up on the catwalk.
You came out
in that Salome costume.
The bikini with the veils.
Uh-huh. [sighs]
[both snicker]
Why'd you let me take you?
I was making $50 bucks a night.
That's not even 10 bucks a veil.
So I'm a meal ticket?
Uh-huh.
Well, and a house ticket,
and a clothes ticket,
and a jewelry ticket.
I guess I get
all sorts of stuff.
And what do I get?
What do you want?
The head of John the Baptist.
[Lanie chuckles]
Salome.
Mm-hmm, are you happy to see me
down there?
[footsteps approach]
[tense music]
Nice.
Oh, we-- we were cold.
You don't really look cold now.
We'll put everything back
and forget about it.
It's a little late for that.
Sit. Next to them.
So who are you, Jason?
You're not really Jason.
Oh, you don't like my Jason?
I thought
I was pretty convincing.
How about...
oh,
[imitates]
Dan O'Malley,
general contractor from Denver.
I'm getting married
in September.
No? Okay.
How about...
oh, here we go.
[imitates] Chad Wilcox.
I lost 23 pounds hiking.
The jerky diet.
[imitations]
My name is Don Jacobs,
Warren Applebee, Ace Freebird,
Duke Grisham, Anthony,
Anthony, not Tony, Anthony,
Dave Trumbull. After--
after the election, I just--
We don't wanna know who you are.
We never saw you.
John, you not only saw me,
you picked me up and brought me
home. You all did.
We were just being friendly.
How about you and me
share that sleeping bag
from here to Canada, Lanie?
I got a camera.
I'll take your picture.
How about you, Brendan?
Lots of singing by the campfire.
No, thank you.
Yeah, none of you.
It was all just talk.
He asked you?
-That's why you said...
-And you ask me who I am?
Who are you?
You all know your names,
but you don't know who you are.
Well, I know who I am.
I am the trees.
I am the wind.
I am the sun.
[shouting] And the rain,
and I am here where I belong!
You all don't know
where you belong.
-Then we'll leave.
-[Lanie] Mm-hmm.
Mm, you four lied to me.
You led me on,
you wasted my time,
[louder]
my hope, my friendship, my life!
What do you want?
I want...
Marmaduke Murgatroyd!
His pedigree shows
In his brief resume
For all experienced nobleman
Say
My job's to be
Underemployed
I rise every day
At the crack of noon
My maid puffs out
My pantaloons
I dine on crumpets
And fresh figs, mwah
While the coiffurist
Powders my wig
[laughs]
Is that it?
-That's it.
-Uh-huh.
What else, what other numbers?
There's, uh, "Together Apart."
And "The Next Best Thing."
[clears throat]
When I became a duke,
As a very young man
Said I to myself, said I
There's better to be
Had in Bratvakistan
Said I to myself, said I
This castle's not quite
Large enough
The servants
Don't go far enough
My sailors aren't quite
Tar enough
Said I to myself, said I
I to myself, I to myself
I to myself, said I
It's 10:30.
[John gasps]
[footsteps]
Morning, sleepy heads.
Oh, good morning.
You got the food bag down.
No, Jason did it.
He came by about an hour ago.
Gave me a hug, said goodbye.
Huh.
Where's Denise?
She went off to go get help
at the ranger station.
Hopefully the cougars
are sleeping.
Coffee?
Yes, please, thank you.
-[upbeat music]
-[Lanie] Mmm.
[John] 25 years of camping,
that's the first time
I ever slept well in a tent.
[peaceful country music]
[footsteps]
[Denise] Oh my God.
Brendan.
[panting]
-Put that down.
-[breathy] Okay, I can--
okay, just for a minute.
-I took his pack.
-Are you okay?
Actually, I... I feel good.
God, you are beautiful.
Mmm.
Can I have a chip?
[bags crinkle]
Uh, I can't find my wallet.
Eh. Just mail me a check.
Happens all the time.
Jason, that sneak--
Huh?
I must have dropped it
on the trail.
-There you go.
-[exhales]
[triumphant music]
A duke of great renown
Is Marmaduke Murgatroyd
His pedigree shows
In his brief resume
For all experienced noblemen
Say
My job's to be
Underemployed
-[laughs] I love musicals.
-It was such fun,
all of Gilbert and Sullivan
rolled into one play.
Theater and hiking,
hiking and theater,
they're like peanut butter
and oatmeal:
unfamiliar together,
yet surprisingly delicious.
You've been in the woods
too long, Brendan.
[ Marmaduke Murgatroyd plays]
[chomping] Mmm!
[soft piano music]
[steps crunch]
[rocks and steps crunch]
[tense music]
[orchestra readies]
[wind blows]
Hello?
[tense music]
[screaming] Hello!
[exhales]
[heavy breathing]
[music stops]
[dramatic music]
[man] Since I'll never, ever,
Ever get to be the king
Next to the king,
The next best thing
[woman] Next to the king,
Next to the king
Next to the king
Is the next best thing
[dramatic music]
[man] Oh they paw me
And they tease me
They pinch me
And they squeeze me
And I love it,
Oh yes, I love it all
Yes, we paw him
And we tease him
-And we spank his...
- Ow!
...Little bottom
And he loves it
There's a princess
In Cordoba
Who says her blood is pure
But spectrographic analysis
Has left me not quite sure
If this baby
And that baby
Were switched
While in the cradle
And so the real princess
Has been living in the stable
There could have been
Just such a switch
And now I really don't know
Which is which
[woman]
Which is which
Now I... don't know
Can we stop?
Your girl's way up ahead,
Bren,
don't you want to catch up?
I'm about to pass out.
No you're not,
just keep putting
one foot in front of the other.
[Brendan] What,
do you want me to fall?
[John] No, I don't. I want you
to pump the old ticker,
boom, boom, boom.
Doesn't Denise get on you
about that?
-[Brendan] No.
-[John] Ellen may have
been a bitch
but at least you could keep up
with her.
This one, she'll either
cure you or kill you.
I'm cured.
Yeah, catch your breath.
-Just gimme a sec.
-We'll wait up for you.
Sing to the trees.
[Lanie]
Which, which, which,
which, which, which,
which, which, which,
which, which, which, which.
-Which which which--
-Okay,
while nobody's looking.
Wait, where is he?
He's taking a break.
-He doesn't like being alone,
go get him.
-For a minute?
Yeah. [mimics Brendan]
"The last one in line gets
picked off" he said.
He was joking.
He was serious.
That's how Brendan is serious.
[John sighs]
Tra la la, very serious.
Yes, tra la la.
He keeps singing
for the next four days,
I'm gonna kill a rattlesnake
and shake the rattle
outside of his tent
in the middle of the night.
This trip will be over
in one day.
[Brendan] Which is which,
which is which.
-I never know really which
way is which--
-[Lanie sighs]
-...which is which.
-Shh.
[branch cracks]
Hark, hark,
our scout approacheth.
What news have she, oh scout?
It's beautiful, and there's only
one other tent.
Just like you said,
like Timbuktu.
[upbeat music]
Timbuktu?
Timbuktu!
Andbuk-you.
[group]
Timbuktu's the land where
The sky is always sunny
The grass is always green
And the water tastes funny
[upbeat music]
Tra la la la la,
Tra la la la la la
Tra la la la la la la
[dramatic music]
[sniffs]
Shit.
Maybe, maybe, it could be,
maybe, maybe, possibly.
Hello, how are you?
How can I?
How could you?
[Jason vocalizes]
I staked a claim.
[John] Right by the water,
huh?
It's gorgeous.
Could get windy.
I don't know where you're gonna
stake your fly and...
and the sun will come up right
over there in the morning.
What about our neighbor?
He's right by the water.
[John] You know,
that's the perfect spot,
the cove on the east side.
Wind comes out of the
east.
We're on the west side.
[sighs] Let's move the tarp.
[upbeat music]
[Lanie humming]
No miles shall separate us
Our hearts will beat as one
Though princesses
Shall woo him
Them he will have none
For his heart will be--
[insects buzz]
[wind blows]
[tent rustling]
It's like wrestling an octopus,
huh?
That's the fly, not the tent.
We got this, John. Thank you.
So the tent goes first?
[Brendan] We'll figure it out.
You can suffocate
if you put that on wrong.
What?
Thank you, John.
Hey John, we need water.
I'm helping with the tent.
[Lanie] Oh, I'll help Denise.
You boys go pump.
[dramatic music]
[water splashes]
[Brendan] You're joking.
Tell me you're joking.
You saw the sign
at the trailhead.
There's a fire ring,
so obviously people--
-Excuse me.
-People shouldn't be
making fires.
Well what, are the cops
gonna jump out of the bushes?
I brought stuff for s'mores,
and if we don't grill...
will you slow down?
[John] Sorry.
You move through this stuff
so easily.
[John] Years of bushwhacking.
Native Americans moved through
the forest like the wind,
touching nothing,
leaving no trace.
[Brendan] What tribe are you,
John?
Animals, even big ones
like elk, move silently.
We could be surrounded
by a herd of bloodthirsty elk
-right now.
-Aren't they vegetarians?
[John] This is rough country.
These are Northwest elk.
Even the chipmunks
are bloodthirsty.
[chipmunk chatters]
And the trees?
Late at night they reach out
with their limbs--
[Brendan] Will you stop it?
Should I sing?
Where's the stream?
Listen.
[water rushing]
[Brendan] Oh my God,
that looks good.
Wait, you gotta pump it.
-Give me the pump.
-Not here, it's too shallow.
[dramatic music]
You need a deep pool
so you can get your tube in...
and then it's gotta be running
and not standing still.
Of course, then
you'll also want a dry place
to sit while you pump.
What about right here?
Mm, not feeling it.
You know what I'm feeling,
John?
I'm feeling thirst.
You know, I'm parched.
I mean,
our camp's the other way,
the water's right here.
I'm not a camel.
I like pumping water.
It's like meditation.
When you find the right spot
and the sun's...
Let's go around.
Our neighbor.
Hello.
[goofy voice] Fancy meeting you
at the old watering hole.
Hello.
I'm sorry. We'll give you
some space.
I've been all up and down
this stream.
This is the spot.
-I always wanted to go camping.
-Really?
You know the Earth Channel,
with the waves and the clouds?
I always put that on the TV
at the gym.
-[insects buzzing]
-Wow.
Is that where you met Brendan?
Uh-huh, I was subbing
for his regular trainer.
He was puffing like a train
and he saw me laughing
and he went "toot, toot."
[laughing] Oh God.
Then he asked me to dinner.
When Brendan and I dated,
you know,
I always had to buy him dinner.
We'd meet at Zippy's
and eat french fries
while we ran lines.
For Marmaduke Murgatroyd?
Uh-huh.
Has he played you the tape?
To Timbuktu we go,
A flock of tiny tits
[both] Together we are one,
But we're really lots of bits
-Boreal.
-Gay.
-Black Himalay.
-[both laugh]
Oh God,
you know the whole thing.
Brendan likes to put it on
when we make dinner.
He doesn't.
You haven't killed him yet?
It's cute.
He dances around,
he acts out all the parts.
I never had a guy that
likes to dance before.
Huh?
[Brendan] Canada to Mexico?
-I mean, that's gotta be--
-2,650 miles.
You've done this, John?
The PCT?
-No.
-1600 down, 1050 to go.
Then I shave
and rejoin the workforce.
-[John] Where is that?
-Design Logic,
Silicon Valley.
And you've done
these epic hikes before?
Sure. Appalachian Trail,
Inca Trail,
Grand Canyon,
Alaska.
-Alaska? And you
weren't eaten by bears?
-[laughs]
I know how to handle 'em.
I bet you do.
I...
[playful music]
...I love the skirt.
Oh, thank you,
much less chafing than pants.
You know, I think
I should take this look
back to New York.
A little lumberjack,
a little drag queen.
Brendan.
Sorry, he thinks he's funny.
You think it would sell?
I think you
would rule the runway.
Here.
That's it!
Oh yeah, now that's it,
that's it.
Oh yeah, now work it.
[playful music]
That's it, now work that turn.
Magnificent.
[Brendan chuckles]
May I ask you a favor?
John says you have
the perfect campsite.
I said it's the best one
on the lake.
I remember hearing
the word "perfect."
Anyway, we're having an issue
with tent placement,
and I was wondering
with your vast experience,
if you could advise us.
I don't think we have
any issues.
Well, he could
meet the ladies.
They could talk fashion.
I wouldn't mind a chance
to talk. It's been a while.
Excellent, and you could tell
us all about Alaska.
I mean, what do people do there?
-Is there theater?
-I don't know.
Do they have
a symphony orchestra?
-I think so.
-I mean, did you kill a bear?
-How many bears did you kill?
-A lot.
How many beers
-did you drink?
-So many.
You know he stage managed
and acted that show.
Uh-huh.
He'd pull up the curtain
and run on stage
and they'd cook up some reason,
you know.
[mimics Brendan]
"Lord Barnabas was always
returning
from foreign lands."
[chuckles]
What happened after the play?
Well, I don't know.
We started thinking about
colleges, went our
separate ways.
It was just a high school thing.
I know, I didn't mean to put
you on the spot.
Sure, I know you didn't.
And I'm very glad he met you.
Now whip him into shape.
[chuckles]
No, I like his belly.
He needs it.
I love the way it shakes
when he laughs,
the way it floats
in the hot tub,
the way I sink into him
when we--
You... um, teach spinning
at the gym?
I teach everything: spinning,
yoga, weights, cardio.
[footsteps approaching]
Oh look, the boys
caught something.
Lanie and Denise, meet Jason.
We've already met
at a distance.
Hello, Denise.
[Denise giggles]
He was on a mountain top.
Doing my Isadora Duncan thing.
Who's that?
She's a dancer.
You've seen her dance?
Jason's here to vet our camp.
[Jason]
And to practice talking.
Oh, how long has it been?
I mean, I say hi to people
every day on the trail,
but a real conversation?
A long time.
Story of my life. I mean,
who really talks to anyone?
Oh, thanks dear.
Now, what is this
about our campsite?
[tongue clicks]
Yes. What is this, Brendan?
I just wanted to know
if our tents were
properly placed.
Oh, uh... [exhales]
[tongue clicks]
Well, they're on the ground.
That's good.
Umm...
I like to be close
to the shore myself.
What about the wind
and the sunrise?
What wind?
And the sun won't come over
that hill 'til at least 10:30.
Yeah, what wind, John?
It could start.
Oh.
You just had us move it
for no reason at all.
[chuckles]
Weather changes.
You know what,
we're-- we're putting it back.
No, no, you're putting it back.
Oh, am I?
-Yeah, cause you--
-[Jason] Hey, leave it.
Leave it, leave it.
Go put your sleeping bags
down by the shore.
When it gets dark tonight,
you can lie there
and look at the stars,
and you listen to the wind
and the water,
and you hug each other,
and you slowly pass out.
Then you wake up freezing
at three in the morning
and you crawl in your tent,
and trust me,
it doesn't matter where it is.
Well, I should get back
to my camp.
It was a pleasure
to meet you up close.
You too. Stop by
if you need anything.
A cup of sugar? A piano?
[laughs] It's good to have
neighbors.
-[Lanie chuckles]
-[playful music]
-You know, he went to Alaska.
-Bye.
-And he went to Machu Picchu.
-Really? Where?
I'm way less freaked out
by him now.
[dramatic music]
Over 1,600 miles.
And we've gone?
Three.
I wonder what his feet
look like.
I wonder what he wears
under that skirt.
I say we ask him to dinner.
Don't bother him.
Oh, come on. Just because
you're antisocial doesn't
mean everybody is.
He's out here for a reason.
Ten zillion people hike
this trail every year.
It's a party,
people are hooking up,
they're smoking pot.
Look at that camp, Brendan.
He's got a tarp covering
a huge pile of wood.
That guy's not through hiking,
he's living here.
A hobo.
A hobo sexual?
He's a squatter.
Nonsense, I bet he's gone
before we wake up tomorrow.
And all that will remain
is the echo
of his skirt
flapping in the breeze.
Who were you, skirted hiker?
Maybe he's...
[mimics Scottish accent]
...Scottish.
[imitating Scottish accent]
Aye, a kilted hiker
hiking the Highlands
from Edinburgh to Loch Ness,
playing his bagpipes.
[trio imitate bagpipes]
[group sings]
[bagpipe music]
What have ye
Underneath that kilt,
Me lad?
Are you hiding a shillelagh
Down there?
Oh, that fabric ain't flat,
Me lad
Are you happy
To see me, dear?
[laughs] Oh, that's--
that's disgusting.
Well, hello there.
Well, don't you want to see
what's under my kilt?
-Have you ever been
skinny dipping?
-[insects buzzing]
-No.
-Oh, come on.
It's the best part of camping.
[water splashes]
Is it cold?
Just dive in, that way
you don't feel it.
Can you go in
a little deeper, John?
[insects buzzing]
Woo!
-[Lanie and John giggle]
-Oh, it's-- [gasping]
We're going for a hike.
Oh, I guess not.
[harmonica plays]
It was absolutely freezing.
Did you-- did you touch it?
I don't care, Bren.
We probably shouldn't go
too far.
I mean, we won't get lost.
The trail is quite clear, but...
It is.
[playful music]
-Where are you going?
-Come on.
[Denise laughs]
[animals chatter]
Wow.
[panting]
Trees.
[playful music]
Where's the trail?
I don't know.
We're lost in the woods.
Totally.
No phone, no radio,
just you and me,
like Adam and Eve.
Madam, I'm Adam.
It's a palindrome.
Spell it backward.
[playful music]
[harmonica music]
-[water splashes]
-[John sighs]
[laughs]
Oh, you're freezing!
-God, you're beautiful.
-[both exhale]
Yeah?
Let's get in the tent.
No, get the camera.
[softly] Ooh.
[bird chirps]
How's this?
[John sighs]
-[camera clicks]
-[insects buzz]
-[Brendan vocalizes]
-[crunching footsteps]
When a fairy waves
His wand at you
You're in for a surprise
When you become a rat,
A snake, a swarm
Of tsetse flies
This fairy stuff is pretty
Dim, I don't believe a thing
That wand of yours
Is just like straw
Take off those silly wings
[Jason whispers the melody]
All right,
which way is the trail?
Down the hill, silly.
We walked up the trail
when we left it,
and we haven't crossed it since.
We haven't?
For someone
who's never been camping,
you're awfully sure of yourself.
Awfully? I'm awful? [laughs]
With an awfully good sense
of direction.
[dramatic music]
[birds chirp]
[Denise giggles]
[harmonica music]
A swarm of tsetse flies
Da da da da da da...
[John] There you two are.
I thought you got eaten
by a bear.
Don't do the bear thing.
Last time,
in the middle of the night,
he hid in the bushes
and he growled.
I was taking a shit.
It only sounded like growling.
Cheese and cracker?
Thank you.
So there aren't any bears?
Well, there's one
every hundred miles.
The most annoying ones
hang out in parking lots,
but they're not out here.
Water's boiling: coffee,
tea, hot chocolate?
What I need is a tin mug
full of Merlot.
[Denise coos, laughs]
-For the first night.
-Ha ha ha.
You know you're gonna
have to carry that bottle
for the next three days.
Oh, boohoo-hoo-hoo.
-I'll carry it for a night.
-Me too.
And we won't break it,
so don't say it.
We could have put it
in plastic.
Oh God, please strike him
with lightning.
[women laugh]
-What are we
gonna eat with this?
-[Denise] Mm.
You choose.
This is astronaut food.
No water weight.
It's very efficient.
This is a Chateau Dubois.
It deserves a thick steak.
[upbeat music]
You didn't.
[laughs] Don't be silly,
I wouldn't carry all
that water weight.
Son of a...
It was at the bottom.
[Denise giggles]
Espionage.
Well,
Bren was carrying the wine.
I was, too. [laughs]
And I was carrying
your bow tie.
[playful music]
Tally ho.
[mellow music]
[Lanie inhales] Ooh.
He must think we're crazy.
I wonder what he's cooking.
You know he knows
we're watching, right?
Hmm, I don't think
he's a vegetarian.
[group laughs and shushes]
-Boo!
-Help, help,
I'm under dressed.
We have come to kidnap you
and feed you wine and steak.
-Bring a cup.
-And your harmonica.
You guys have a tie for me?
Oh, the guest of honor
doesn't need to be dressed up.
Here, take--
take my cummerbund.
Thank you.
Come on, come on, march, go,
come on.
-[peaceful music]
-[bird chirps]
Thank you.
I haven't seen meat
in two weeks.
You're not gonna fry 'em,
are you?
Well, yeah, I was thinking
about it.
Steak? You gotta grill 'em.
You've got a grill?
Just make one
from tent stakes.
You wrap foil around the ends
and put 'em between two rocks.
Don't have any foil.
Really?
Hmm, let's see, um,
iodine pills, poncho,
snake bite kit, ah.
[sniffles]
-[Lanie gasps]
-[Denise] Mm.
[John sighs]
-Go get wood.
-Woohoo.
Come forage for faggots,
young Marmaduke.
That we may build a nest
for the tits.
Let's pull some tent stakes.
I know where
there's some good firewood.
-You got the grill, right?
-[Brendan] S'mores,
we're going to have s'mores.
S'mores, we're gonna have
s'mores.
Yeah, I got the grill.
[Brendan]
Tits and s'mores!
[dramatic music]
[Brendan] No, no, no, no, no,
no, no.
You were never on the ship.
[Lanie laughs] Oh, of course
I was, for the sacrifice.
I remember the ribbons
tickling my toes.
[Brendan inhales]
You didn't have the flames,
I had the flames.
There's a stand of spruce
up here that's dry.
A lot of this stuff's wet,
won't burn so good.
It was in the scene
in the blacksmith.
-On the ship.
-No, no,
I vividly remember the ribbons
tickling me
as I pounded the horseshoe.
No, no, no, no. The pirates were
going to burn me.
They wouldn't burn
down the ship.
Oh, realism.
Is that what you claim?
-Yes.
-What are
you guys talking about?
[both] The fire!
Brendan thinks everything
was in his scene.
I was in a lot of scenes.
In the crowd,
jumping up and down.
She told me to stay active.
Active. Oh, is that
what you call this?
I did not jump like that.
Let's give them a moment.
You were like, "Monkey,
ooh ooh ah ah."
No, I did not.
I was a character.
I did research. I was six
different characters.
I can tell you every which one
and how I walked.
-Lord Barnabas...
-I walked like this
-when I'm Lord Barnabas.
-...the monkey, the lion.
I walk like this when I was...
You sure they're not brother
and sister?
Looks like it, huh?
They dated back in high school.
And they were both
in Marmaduke Murgatroyd
and the Fairy Pirates of
Bratvakistan.
Marmaduke Murgatroyd
and the Fairy...
Pirates of Bratvakistan,
an imaginary Gilbert
and Sullivan musical
their drama teacher wrote.
And it was so funny and so fun.
And here, let me sing you some.
That's all right.
So, they're still friends.
And when I told Brendan
I'd never been camping before--
You've never been camping?
Before Brendan,
I'd never done anything.
Never been to the opera
or Broadway.
You've been to the ballet.
You move like you have.
I'm an aerobics instructor.
Is that how you met Brendan?
Mm-hmm.
He's been teaching me
about Isadora Duncan,
people like that, shining me up.
You look shiny to me.
Lanie, she's shiny.
How do you like camping?
It's beautiful. I love it.
I was telling John
and Brendan that
I start a new job
in a few weeks.
The truth is I start a new job
every few weeks.
I save up a little money,
then I hit the trail.
Live out here?
I move every once in a while,
follow the weather.
Don't you ever get lonely?
Sometimes.
Don't tell your friends,
all right?
It's embarrassing.
You were leaping around
like an organ grinder's monkey.
You might as well
have been holding
one of those little cups.
Oh, all this
from the queen of shriek.
The leading lady.
Oh, the only reason
Ms. Hagen cast you
is 'cause she knows
if she didn't,
you'd slit your wrists.
[scoffs] She loved my voice.
Oh no, she didn't.
-Oh yes she--
-She told me everything.
-Monkey.
-Oh!
Shrieker.
Peon.
-Diva.
-Oh!
Slimy little stage rat
who wishes
he could be
an actor... [chuckles]
Looks good.
It's gonna taste good.
Give me some of the small stuff.
[Lanie] I wanna see
how he lights this.
Anyone else would pour gas
on it, but not John. No,
that would be cheating.
We could start a fire that way.
Really, I think he should
just rub two sticks together.
Actually, the Native Americans
would wrap a bow string
-around a stick and spin it.
It's very difficult.
-[John blowing]
Maybe if you light the bark.
Maybe if you suck
instead of blow.
Maybe if you people take a walk.
Yeah, ladies, why don't you
just "take a walk"?
[Lanie groans]
[playful music]
[Lanie scat sings]
[Denise] Thank you, Lanie,
for inviting me--
Us. It's so beautiful.
[Lanie]
Huh. Glad you're having fun.
When Brendan told me
you moved, I didn't know why,
but now I see.
Well, uh, I can see
he's very happy with you.
Is he?
Mm-hmm, I can tell.
How? What's his happy look?
[scoffs] You can't read Brendan
from his face.
You can't read me
from my face either.
We're theater people.
We're always wearing a mask.
I read Brendan
through his voice.
[speaks tensely]
This is angry Brendan.
[speaks slowly]
This is bored Brendan.
[Denise] Hmm.
[Lanie] This is sad Brendan.
But this is Brendan with you!
And I haven't heard him
this happy since high school.
You're the new me.
[melancholic music]
God damn it.
I'll get some gas.
[fire whooshes]
-[crickets chirp]
-[melancholic music]
[harmonica plays]
[group sings, slurs]
You'll transform from a man
Into something from a zoo
When a fairy waves
His terrible
Magical wand at you
That sounded awful.
No it didn't.
Well, I meant I sounded awful.
No, you sounded like Gilbert
and Sullivan on a harmonica.
Yes, that's the melody.
I liked it.
What about your artistic
opinion, John?
I think we should hang
the food.
[Brendan] Oh,
how very diplomatic.
How do we sound?
John's got a point.
Hanging food
in the dark's no fun.
Thank you.
I'll give you a hand.
[Lanie]
Okay, fairy boys.
Did she really call me
the Queen of Shriek?
-[Brendan] She did.
-[Denise] Mm-hmm.
When a fairy waves his wand
When a fairy waves his wand,
Poof
Please have mercy.
Don't I sound good?
It's a classic.
It's so much fun.
I've been listening
to Marmaduke Murgatroyd
for 16 years.
You don't find yourself
singing it?
[scoffs] The day that happens.
What?
How about this one?
You think you can
get the rope up there?
Oh, I can get it up.
You've done this before.
-Yep.
-[dramatic music]
Bratvaki is a language
Invented by the king
Ding dong, ding ding dong
Some German and some Polish
With an Oriental ring
-Ding dong, ding ding dong
-[Lanie laughs]
Wait, no, no, no, it's "ding,
dong, ding ding, dong."
That's what I said.
-No, you said--
-Shh.
-[animal growls]
-Do you hear that?
-[leaves rustle]
-[growling continues]
John, stop that!
[John coughs]
Sorry.
Man, that wasn't funny
the first time.
-Well, where is the--
-[Jason screams]
-[trio screams]
-[John laughs]
[laughs] I've always wanted
to do that.
[John] His idea, his idea.
-You, you rat.
-Guys, help me.
Oh yeah, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Good work, women, good work.
He earned it.
Uncle? Huh, uncle?
[Jason grunts]
-[Lanie laughs]
-All right, all right,
uncle, uncle, uncle.
[everyone sighs]
-[Lanie sighs]
-[Jason] Ah.
[exhales]
Fire's dying.
Is there any wine left?
Alas, no.
Next time, more wine.
I guess I won't throw
another log on the fire.
I do have a bit of hooch.
-Ooh.
-It's mostly for
-medicinal purposes.
-What flavor?
Oh, it's pure grain alcohol.
No water weight.
-[upbeat music]
-[crackles]
-[Brendan spits]
-[Jason] Oh, don't waste it.
-[Lanie] Ah.
-It burns.
All right.
-Woo.
-We'll add some jungle juice.
I don't usually mix
alcohol and sports drinks,
but we're not driving tonight.
Why don't you mix them?
Sports drinks are designed
to enter your system
very quickly to rehydrate you.
If you spike them,
the alcohol hits you faster too.
Wait.
-[Denise spits]
-[all chuckle]
Do you know any ghost stories,
Jason?
-No, but I do know
some drinking games.
-[Brendan] Mm!
-[John] Like what?
-You guys know Bartender?
We go around adding drinks
to the order,
only one of each kind.
If you forget the order,
you take a drink.
I'll start.
Bartender, I'll have a scotch
and soda.
[playful music]
Bartender, I'll have a scotch
and soda and a Rusty Nail.
I'll have a scotch and soda,
and a Rusty Nail,
and a cosmopolitan.
[Brendan]
Ooh!
And a beer.
And a glass of wine.
And a sidecar.
And a Black Russian.
And a White Russian.
And a Mai Tai.
And a Black Russian,
and a White Russian,
and a Mai Tai, and...
I don't recall.
[group laughs] Drink!
I don't know cocktails.
-All right.
-[Brendan] Yeah, right.
[Lanie gags]
Whoa.
Oh Jesus, okay.
What other games do you know?
All right, oh,
this one's called circus.
[circus music]
[group cheers]
Oh!
How do you do that?
[group cheers]
Very impressive.
[celebratory noises]
[group]
Aw!
[grunts]
[spits]
[kisses]
[grunts]
[screams]
[group laughs]
Oh boy, we just played circus.
That was crazy.
All right,
now we play deadpan.
You guys have a pen and paper?
[Brendan]
Uhh...
[John] Huh.
I have fluffy bunnies
in my underwear.
-[Denise laughs]
-Drink!
Okay.
[Lanie clears throat]
I love to tinkle when I winkle
and my poo poo calls me da-da.
[laughs]
[group] Drink!
I can't, oh God.
Dingle dongle.
Tough muff.
Krakatoa, spermatoza,
undergo a feather boa.
[group laughs]
Drink, we all drink,
we all drink.
We all drink! 'Cause
she said spermatoza.
How do you say it?
-Spermatozoa.
-Spermatozoa.
Well, I've never said it
before.
-It's spelled T-O-Z--
-I can read.
Atoza, Spinoza, Mendoza,
Gyoza.
On the nose-a,
-a-woes-a, a-goza, yoza, moza,
-[Lanie continues]
aboza, a-teeza, a-weeza,
in the woods-a.
[overlapping nonsense words]
Ooh, with some hooch-a-no-sa.
[Brendan and Lanie chant]
[John]
Most likely to get poison ivy?
[Brendan makes game show noises]
Me?
We don't have it out here.
It's gotta be someone
back East.
Poison Iva, Godiva, I drinka,
I thinka.
A most likely
to piss in the shower.
-Drink.
-[women chuckling]
Thanks a lot.
I said "likely,"
I wasn't accusing you.
Most likely
to get lost in the woods.
[upbeat music]
Most likely to get lost
in Midtown Manhattan, ha.
Most likely to eat
two desserts-a.
Most likely to get plastic
surgery. I said likely.
Most likely to leave his keys
at a restaurant
and be too embarrassed
to go back to look for them.
Most likely--
-To put ice in their wine.
-Wear a girdle.
[slurring]
To bother Meryl Streep
so much at a restaurant
that she has to-- they have to
be escorted back to their table.
[Lanie verbalizes
into her drink]
Most likely
to leave his spouse
at a party and not tell her.
Most likely to be dancing
on the table at the party.
-It's my turn.
-Most likely
to not come home
until the next day.
Most likely to sleep
on a bench.
-Oh, I'll drink two.
-Ah, drink.
[sarcastically]
This is fun, Jason.
You got any more games?
I'm going to bed.
Oh, come on, Denise,
there's still hooch in that cup.
Hey-- hey, you can finish ours.
Wait, one more, one more.
I only know one more game
and it only works
-if lots of people play.
One more.
-[Brendan, Denise groan]
[John sniffs]
Hello.
This game's called paranoia.
The person on your right
whispers a question,
you say
"who here is the answer?"
If people wanna know
the question,
they have to take a drink.
Then you whisper the question
to them.
However, the person named
can't find out.
Sound like fun?
You've played this before?
Sure, bunch of times.
I bet you never played
with someone twice.
You start.
[Brendan sighs]
[whispers]
Jason.
Okay, who here wants to know
what Denise thinks about me?
I do.
[laughs] Oh, definitely.
Definitely what?
Ah ah ah, not for your ears.
All right, now Denise
whispers to John.
Ha. Lanie.
Oh, surprise, surprise.
I'll pay for that one.
I don't care,
so I'll skip the drink.
[John whispers]
-She does?
-[group laughs]
I thought it was natural.
-All right, now John,
whisper to me.
-[John chuckles]
[whispers loudly]
Who wears the most makeup?
Brendan.
Brendan?
[laughs]
-I'll pay for that.
-Me too.
Who here gets a heart attack?
That's sick.
I thought it was funny.
[laughs]
Who would taste the best
for dinner?
[Jason] Okay, my turn.
[Jason clears throat]
Who here hates
Gilbert and Sullivan?
[Lanie laughs]
That thing, definitely.
I don't wanna play anymore.
Neither do I.
I do.
What did he say?
That's a secret.
What did you say?
Can't tell you,
it's against the rules.
Cha! This game's over.
Thank you all for the best meal
I've had in weeks.
I hope you have a great trip.
Good night.
Can you find your way home?
Sure, I can see
in the dark.
Uh, goodnight, Jason.
[tense music]
[John]
Who's the first millionaire?
[Lanie]
This isn't a game show.
[John]
Who gets a divorce?
Who walks off a cliff?
I wish you were that clumsy.
It was nothing, wasn't it?
[chuckles] Go to sleep.
You just want a secret
with your new audience.
You're drunk.
Nice show you put on for him.
You can send him
the pictures I took.
That was for you, darling.
-Was it?
-Mm-hmm, yes.
Prove it.
Look,
I don't want to right now.
You never really do.
[tense music]
[Lanie and John argue]
Let's try to sleep.
Not a chance.
[Lanie] Yeah, fighting
is fun for, like, a second.
We all got way too drunk.
Jesus, that stuff was strong.
I don't feel drunk at all.
Well, you are.
I wanna go home.
I thought you loved it here.
The trees, the mountains.
-And you love it, too?
-I do.
I love watching you in it.
Wouldn't you rather be watching
Marmaduke Murgatroyd.
His pedigree shows
In his brief resume
-For all experienced noblemen
Say
-[shushes]
Their job's to be
Underemployed
-Don't sing that.
-Oh, I can't sing it.
I'm not allowed.
[tent unzips]
[Lanie cries]
Stay here.
But your heart is in
Swampwhistle, beloved Marmaduke,
tarry not in Bratvakistan.
[tense music]
[Lanie sobs]
-Where'd he go?
-What?
[sniffles]
Brendan.
Oh.
Now,
when we were in high school...
we never...
I was gay then.
When did you find out
you weren't?
Later.
Did you ever want to...
with me?
Yes.
Well, I am so sorry.
-It's all right.
-It's not.
-Yes.
-Oh, Bren, I'm sorry.
-I'm so sorry.
-Where's John?
-He--
-Does he have a flashlight?
He doesn't need one.
He can see in the dark.
Jesus.
[tense music]
John.
John!
Get some rest.
How is she?
Upset.
Maybe you should stay with her.
Maybe you should.
-All right.
-No.
Let her sleep.
She's drunk too, right?
John is in the woods.
You wanna go look for him?
He'll be okay.
You guys sure are friends.
[exhales]
Maybe you're right. Maybe
we should head back tomorrow.
We could get a room
at the beach.
No, we're hiking all the way.
Hike, hike, hike,
with our packs on,
even on down days.
Because when I was a mile
ahead of you guys this morning,
I was having a really good time.
[tense music]
[footsteps crunching]
Couldn't sleep?
Huh.
Yeah, me neither.
Wanna take a hike?
Yeah, sure.
It thins out around 5,000 feet.
You can see the line
cutting across the hill there.
[John] First the deciduous,
then the fir.
Then all we have
are these shrubs.
You ever hike Glacier?
In Montana? Sure.
Did the Highline Trail
over to Grinnell.
That's always been on my list.
How about Yellowstone?
Joshua Tree, Yosemite?
-Those too.
-That's a long list.
When we moved out west,
I thought I'd be backcountry
all the time.
Then work piled up
and Lanie really only puts up
with it for me.
-There's an owl.
-Where?
That shadow circling the trees.
-Hear it?
-[owl hoots]
[dramatic music]
[wind blows]
[John] Looks like a postcard.
"Hello from nowhere."
Have you ever spent a long time
trying to get something...
then get it, and realize
you don't really want it?
Sometimes I think I married it.
[Jason sighs]
You rationalize, you tell
yourself you like your life,
but you don't.
You're just living in service
of a dream
that didn't pan out.
What was her name?
Design Logic.
Where you work?
I started her 12 years ago.
Sold her last September
for $15 million.
So I'm not really
leaving the woods.
You don't have to either
if you don't want to.
We could do Glacier, Denali,
New Zealand. My treat.
That's very generous.
You'd be surprised how hard
it is to find good company.
No one's ever called me that.
You've been hanging out
with the wrong people.
Jason, I'm gonna kick myself
in the ass
for the rest of my life,
but I can't.
Sure you can. We'll leave
tonight when they're sleeping,
we can get you new gear
in the next town.
You got the wrong idea.
Lanie and I are...
we don't always fight.
Really?
You seem pretty well practiced.
[scoffs]
It's fun for her.
Like flirting? That's fun too.
She doesn't flirt.
She's just theatrical.
Ah, and you like that?
I just can't leave it.
You sure she won't leave you?
Theater people aren't like me
and you, John.
-I know.
-They need that light
on them all the time,
that feeling of being special,
above the crowd.
And you took Lanie away
from all that
to the woods, to nowhere.
Now the only light she's got
on her is guys like me.
Let's head back.
To what?
Why are you up here with me,
John,
not warm in your tent
humping like a bunny?
Why'd I get that little show
this afternoon?
I told you.
Cut your losses. Walk away now.
I can't, so just stop asking.
You can, John. You don't know
what you can do.
I can't. I just can't.
Then you are pathetic
and you deserve it.
All her shit you'll deserve,
all the free shows
for younger men.
You don't know her.
"Why does he put up with it?"
people will wonder.
"Does he have a pair?"
You know what
I whispered to Lanie?
"Most likely
to sleep alone tonight."
She's probably just waiting
for you to pass--
-No! [screams]
-Whoa!
[Brendan] Shit!
[Lanie sighs]
John!
[group] John.
John!
I'll get a flashlight.
[ominous music]
We're coming, John!
-[ominous music]
-[wind blows]
[footsteps]
[panting]
[Brendan] Wait, slow down.
[Brendan grunts]
Denise.
[tense music]
[owl hoots]
[Brendan pants harder]
They...
[owl hoots]
[approaching footsteps]
Oh, are you okay?
[breathy] Yeah, yeah.
I tripped.
[breathy]
I found Jason.
He says John's hurt.
We hiked up to the peak,
then on the way back, I...
What?
I don't know.
Come on!
[tense music]
[Lanie quietly] Here.
Oh.
I'm fine.
I think I broke my leg.
You walked off a cliff,
you dummy.
-If I can lean on you,
-Here.
I think I can make it
back to camp.
In the morning, I'll hike
to the ranger station
and get us some help.
I'll go now.
It's only three miles.
You shouldn't go at night.
I can see, and I can't sleep.
Wait.
Denise!
-She's always running off.
-[Lanie] Huh.
Go after her.
I can't catch her.
You're not gonna try?
Cougars hunt at night.
Shit.
Can you go?
You don't want her?
All right.
Why can't Denise sleep?
I don't know.
Do you think
they'll be all right?
There's like one cougar
every hundred miles.
-Help me up.
-Are you sure?
-Ah!
-You should just--
argh, wait, yes.
[all grunt]
[Lanie, John] Argh!
[dramatic music]
[Denise panting]
[mysterious sound]
[footsteps approach]
Ow!
Damn, you're fast.
I wouldn't have tripped
if you hadn't been chasing me.
You shouldn't be out here
alone.
Why not?
[Jason grunts]
The big, bad wolf could steal
your picnic basket.
I don't have a picnic basket.
Oh, I'm too late.
-[dramatic music]
-[people grunting]
[Lanie] Got you.
-Finally got my wish.
-What's that?
A walk without the talk.
If I knew that
was so important to you,
I would've shut up.
-Hey, you wanna take a break?
-No, keep going.
I think we're close to the lake.
[John grunts]
[Lanie] Oh God,
yeah it's way too far.
Uck! Oh!
[grunts]
Let's stop here.
No, I can.
God.
[group grunts]
-[Lanie] Whoo! Whoa.
-[grunts]
[both exhale]
I'm gonna get
Jason's sleeping bag.
Don't touch his stuff.
-You're shivering.
-No, I'm not.
-[Lanie sighs]
-[shudders]
[John grunts]
Thanks.
I weigh 170 pounds.
-So?
-I was barely
leaning on Lanie.
You're stronger than you look.
I'll make a blanket.
God it's heavy.
Put it back.
What is this?
These are all different people.
This one's a Jason,
Design Logic.
Doesn't even look like him.
He must be a thief.
No, no he's...
let me see.
[ominous music]
Denise, he's with Denise.
She'll be fine.
You don't want her?
That's the last thing
he said when...
Oh God.
No, he wouldn't hurt her.
Are you sure? [stammers]
Why would he say that?
-Why would he say that?
-I don't know.
I just don't think he's violent.
You're not a woman.
I brought her on this trip.
Brendan. [shouts] Brendan!
-No, no, don't! Put that down.
-Just in case.
-Leave it.
-I'll keep it in my pocket.
Denise!
[Lanie] Shit.
He won't need it.
Do you know he won't?
No.
Okay, what happened up there?
You don't fall, not even drunk.
You wanna move back
to New York?
You are drunk.
I'll move back if you want to.
You can act.
Is that what you did,
talk about New York?
I want you to have a career.
What did he say to you?
[Jason]
It leaps on the deer's back
and she takes off with the cat
on top of her.
She's running left and right,
trying to shake him,
but she can't
'cause he's got his claws
just dug in so hard.
And he climbs up her side,
and he's just about to bite her
in the neck when suddenly
this buck comes charging up
and spears him in the side
with his antlers.
Man, I have never seen a cat
leap so high in my life.
[squeals] It roars and just
takes off into the woods.
Like watching
the Earth Channel.
You must see all kind of things
out here.
Mostly it's like this, but once
every hundred miles, bam.
Bam.
[dramatic music]
[Lanie] All around the world?
[John] He said we'd go
to Canada,
Alaska, New Zealand.
[chuckles]
And... why did you say no?
Why?
-Yeah.
-Is it so dark
you can't see why?
Can't you see how
I'm looking at you right now?
Lanie, if I never touch you
again, I'll stay with you.
I'm your number-one fan.
Oh my God.
You're as beautiful to me now
as you were the first moment
I saw you.
Hmm,
when was that?
Hmm?
When did you first see me?
-[John] The burlesque,
when we met.
-[Lanie laughs]
[Lanie] I don't think you
talked to me for, like, weeks.
-[John] Yeah, I was so busy.
-You were just that guy
up in the rafters.
You know, you don't have
to go back to New York.
You can stay here with me.
We can hike the PCT,
go to Canada.
-I can't.
-You can, just like that.
Let's just have tonight.
I want you every night.
If you leave,
you'll want me, too.
I will.
So keep me.
You should be free.
Free?
That's a nice way to put it.
-I just meant--
-You just meant
I should be single, alone.
-No.
-You have your fling
and head back to New York
while I'm left here.
You belong here, I don't.
And where do you belong?
At the opera?
At the ballet?
Arm candy for that clown?
Is that the life for you?
-We should go.
-Me and all this,
we're just a quickie,
a call of nature.
Jason, let go.
You think
he actually loves you?
Stop talking.
Why do you think
he's not here?
-Stop it.
-He sent me.
He said, "I don't want her."
I said stop it.
-[Brendan] Denise?
-Brendan!
Get away from her.
That's my gun.
Back away.
I was wrong. He does want you.
Stop.
Stop!
Jason, don't.
I'm attacking you, Brendan...
very slowly.
Jesus.
You know too much.
I have to kill you now.
I'm getting closer,
a few more steps.
Don't, he didn't hurt me.
Then why were you yelling?
Yes, Denise, why don't you
explain that to your boyfriend?
No, don't. I don't care.
[John] I was so busy
rewiring the place,
-I never even looked down.
-[Lanie sighs]
Two weeks of rehearsal,
I was ripping out
all that old copper,
and stringing up lights.
[Lanie]
Well, when did you look down?
[John]
Opening night.
-Hmm.
-I was up on the catwalk.
You came out
in that Salome costume.
The bikini with the veils.
Uh-huh. [sighs]
[both snicker]
Why'd you let me take you?
I was making $50 bucks a night.
That's not even 10 bucks a veil.
So I'm a meal ticket?
Uh-huh.
Well, and a house ticket,
and a clothes ticket,
and a jewelry ticket.
I guess I get
all sorts of stuff.
And what do I get?
What do you want?
The head of John the Baptist.
[Lanie chuckles]
Salome.
Mm-hmm, are you happy to see me
down there?
[footsteps approach]
[tense music]
Nice.
Oh, we-- we were cold.
You don't really look cold now.
We'll put everything back
and forget about it.
It's a little late for that.
Sit. Next to them.
So who are you, Jason?
You're not really Jason.
Oh, you don't like my Jason?
I thought
I was pretty convincing.
How about...
oh,
[imitates]
Dan O'Malley,
general contractor from Denver.
I'm getting married
in September.
No? Okay.
How about...
oh, here we go.
[imitates] Chad Wilcox.
I lost 23 pounds hiking.
The jerky diet.
[imitations]
My name is Don Jacobs,
Warren Applebee, Ace Freebird,
Duke Grisham, Anthony,
Anthony, not Tony, Anthony,
Dave Trumbull. After--
after the election, I just--
We don't wanna know who you are.
We never saw you.
John, you not only saw me,
you picked me up and brought me
home. You all did.
We were just being friendly.
How about you and me
share that sleeping bag
from here to Canada, Lanie?
I got a camera.
I'll take your picture.
How about you, Brendan?
Lots of singing by the campfire.
No, thank you.
Yeah, none of you.
It was all just talk.
He asked you?
-That's why you said...
-And you ask me who I am?
Who are you?
You all know your names,
but you don't know who you are.
Well, I know who I am.
I am the trees.
I am the wind.
I am the sun.
[shouting] And the rain,
and I am here where I belong!
You all don't know
where you belong.
-Then we'll leave.
-[Lanie] Mm-hmm.
Mm, you four lied to me.
You led me on,
you wasted my time,
[louder]
my hope, my friendship, my life!
What do you want?
I want...
Marmaduke Murgatroyd!
His pedigree shows
In his brief resume
For all experienced nobleman
Say
My job's to be
Underemployed
I rise every day
At the crack of noon
My maid puffs out
My pantaloons
I dine on crumpets
And fresh figs, mwah
While the coiffurist
Powders my wig
[laughs]
Is that it?
-That's it.
-Uh-huh.
What else, what other numbers?
There's, uh, "Together Apart."
And "The Next Best Thing."
[clears throat]
When I became a duke,
As a very young man
Said I to myself, said I
There's better to be
Had in Bratvakistan
Said I to myself, said I
This castle's not quite
Large enough
The servants
Don't go far enough
My sailors aren't quite
Tar enough
Said I to myself, said I
I to myself, I to myself
I to myself, said I
It's 10:30.
[John gasps]
[footsteps]
Morning, sleepy heads.
Oh, good morning.
You got the food bag down.
No, Jason did it.
He came by about an hour ago.
Gave me a hug, said goodbye.
Huh.
Where's Denise?
She went off to go get help
at the ranger station.
Hopefully the cougars
are sleeping.
Coffee?
Yes, please, thank you.
-[upbeat music]
-[Lanie] Mmm.
[John] 25 years of camping,
that's the first time
I ever slept well in a tent.
[peaceful country music]
[footsteps]
[Denise] Oh my God.
Brendan.
[panting]
-Put that down.
-[breathy] Okay, I can--
okay, just for a minute.
-I took his pack.
-Are you okay?
Actually, I... I feel good.
God, you are beautiful.
Mmm.
Can I have a chip?
[bags crinkle]
Uh, I can't find my wallet.
Eh. Just mail me a check.
Happens all the time.
Jason, that sneak--
Huh?
I must have dropped it
on the trail.
-There you go.
-[exhales]
[triumphant music]
A duke of great renown
Is Marmaduke Murgatroyd
His pedigree shows
In his brief resume
For all experienced noblemen
Say
My job's to be
Underemployed
-[laughs] I love musicals.
-It was such fun,
all of Gilbert and Sullivan
rolled into one play.
Theater and hiking,
hiking and theater,
they're like peanut butter
and oatmeal:
unfamiliar together,
yet surprisingly delicious.
You've been in the woods
too long, Brendan.
[ Marmaduke Murgatroyd plays]
[chomping] Mmm!