Horse Feathers (1932) Movie Script
And so, in retiring as president
of this college,
it is indeed a painful task
to bid you all goodbye.
And now, with the utmost pleasure,
may I present the man who is to guide
the destiny of this great institution:
Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff!
Professor, it is an honor
to welcome you to Huxley College.
Never mind that, hold this coat.
By the way, there's no smoking.
That's what you said.
It would please the faculty
if you would throw your cigar away.
The faculty can keep their seats.
There'll be no diving for this cigar.
Members of the faculty,
faculty members,
students of Huxley
and Huxley students!
I guess that covers everything.
I thought my razor was dull
until I heard his speech.
Which reminds me of a story so dirty
I'm ashamed to think of it myself.
As I look at your faces, I understand
why this college is flat on its back.
At my last college, it was slightly
different. I was flat on my back.
Things went from bad to worse,
but we all pulled together,
and soon I was flat on my back again.
Any questions? Any answers?
Any rags? Any bones?
Any bottles today? And rags...
Let's have some action around here.
Who'll say 76? Who'll say 1776?
That's the spirit! 1776!
You'd like to know why I'm here.
I came here to get my son out.
I remember the day he left:
A mere boy and a beardless youth.
I kissed them both goodbye.
By the way, where is my son?
Young lady, would you get up
so I can see the son rise?
So, doing your homework in school, eh?
- Hello, old-timer!
I'm sure the students would appreciate
an outline of your future plans.
What? - I said they would appreciate
an outline of your future plans.
You just said that. That's the trouble
around here: Talk, talk, talk.
I think I must go mad. Where will it
all end? What is it getting you?
Go home to your wife.
No, I'll go home to your wife.
Outside of the improvement,
she'll never know the difference.
Pull over to the side of the road
and let me see your marriage licence.
President Wagstaff, now that you
have stepped into my shoes...
Oh, is that what I stepped in?
At least you could have cleaned them.
- The trustees have a few suggestions.
I think you know what the trustees
can do with their suggestions.
"I don't know what they have to say,
it makes no difference anyway,
Whatever it is, I'm against it.
No matter what it is and who
commenced it, I'm against it.
Your proposition may be good, but
let's have one thing understood.
I'm against it!
And even when you've changed it
or condensed it, I'm against it.
I'm opposed to it.
On general principles opposed to it."
"He's opposed to it. In fact it seems
that he's opposed to it!"
"For months before my son was born,
I used to yell from night to morn:
Whatever it is, I'm against it!
And I've kept yelling since I first
commenced it: I'm against it!"
"Knowing Dad as I do,
I'd not advise you
to displease him, or tease him.
No, no!
Don't double-cross him
or toss him around.
When dear old Dad once gets mad
he's a hound!"
"My son is right, I'm quick to fight,
I'm from a fighting clan.
When I'm abused or badly used,
I always get my man.
No matter if he's in
Peru, Peduka or Japan,
I go ahead, alive or dead,
I always get my man."
"He goes ahead, alive or dead,
he always gets his man."
"I soon dispose of all of those
who put me on the pan.
As Shakespeare said to Nathan Hale:
I always get my man."
"He always gets his man!"
"That's what I said."
- "He always gets his man!"
"That's what I mean."
- "He always gets his man!"
"You're telling me?" - "He always gets
his man!" - "Oh, are you listening?"
"He gets his man! He gets his man!"
"I always get, I always get,
I always get,
I always get, I always get,
I always get my man!"
Splendid, Professor!
- Congratulations! - Thank you.
Marvellous! - Alright scram, boys,
I'll meet you in the barber shop.
Dad, let me congratulate you.
I'm proud to be your son.
My boy, you took the words out of my
mouth: I'm ashamed to be your father.
You're a disgrace to the family name
Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.
What's this about you fooling around
with the college widow?
No wonder you've been 12 years
in the same college!
I went to 3 colleges in 12 years
and fooled around with 3 widows.
At your age
I went to bed right after supper.
Sometimes before supper. Or I went
without supper, and didn't go to bed.
A college widow stood for something
in those days. She stood for plenty.
There's nothing between me and her.
- Then you're crazy to fool with her.
But... - I don't want to talk to you
about this again, you snob!
I'd horsewhip you, if I had a horse.
You may go now.
Leave your name with the girl outside.
We'll be in touch with you.
Where are you going?
- You just told me to go.
That's what they teach you here?
I tell you to go and you leave me?
You know you can't leave a school-room
without raising your hand.
This school has had a new president
every year since 1888,
when we won our last football game.
I like education as well as the next
man... - Then let me talk to him.
...but besides education, this
college needs a good football team.
And for a good football team, you need
good football players. - My boy,
I think you've got something. I'll
wait outside until you clean it up.
One more question: Where do you get
good football players?
In the speakeasy...
- In a speakeasy?
Isn't that against the law, selling
football players in a speakeasy?
Two of the best players in the country
hang out there.
You suggest that I go there,
without even giving me the address?
go there, it isn't ethical.
It's not right for a college to buy
football players. - It isn't, eh?
Well, come on and we'll have a nip.
Better still, you wait here.
Anything further, Father? - "Anything
further, Father?" That can't be right.
Isn't it "Anything Father, further?"
The idea! I married
your mother because I wanted children.
Imagine my disappointment with you!
"And I kept yelling since I first
commenced it: I'm against it!"
That's my proposition. How about it?
It's OK with us, Mr. Jennings, but
how are you gonna fix it?
- Don't worry, it's fixed already.
You'll be entered as Darwin students
to play in the game against Huxley.
Yeah, but how about the dough?
- Here's a little to start with.
You get the balance after the game.
With you boys playing for Darwin,
Huxley can't win. - You said it!
- Here's to dear old Darwin.
Alright boys, let's go.
Bye.
- So long.
Baravelli!
Hello?
Yes, lady, this is Baravelli,
the ice man. What do you want?
One quart of scotch,
one quart of rye.
Hold on, I see if I got 'em.
One quart of scotch.
One quart of rye.
OK, lady, I send 'em right over.
Hey, Baravelli!
What do ya want?
- Watch the door for a few minutes.
And don't let anyone in
without the password.
What is it?
- Swordfish is the password, right?
OK, I got it.
- Well, what is it? - Password.
Swordfish! Swordfish.
- Alright, swordfish!
Who are you? - I'm fine. Who are you?
- I'm fine, too. You need a password.
Well, what is the password?
- Oh no, you gotta tell me.
I tell what I do,
I give you three guesses.
It's the name of a fish.
- Is it Mary?
That's no fish!
- She isn't? She drinks like one.
Let me see. Is it sturgeon?
You crazy! A sturgeon, he's a doctor,
cuts you open when you sick.
You got one more chance.
- I got it. Haddock.
Funny, I gotta haddock too. - What do
you take? - Sometimes calomel...
I'd walk a mile for a calomel.
- You mean chocolate calomel. Me too.
But you no guess it.
Hey, you no understand English?
You only get in if you say swordfish.
Now, I give you one more guess.
- Swordfish... swordfish...
I think I got it. Is it swordfish?
- Ha! That's it! You guess it!
Pretty good, eh?
- Fine, you guess it...
What do you want? - To come in.
- Password? - You don't fool me!
Swordfish. - No, I got tired of that.
I changed it.
What's the password now?
- I forgot it. I better come outside.
Buddy, can you help me out?
I'd like to get a cup of coffee.
Hey, here comes my partner.
Hey, Pinky,
do you know the password?
Get up. That's no way to go into
a speakeasy. That's how you come out.
Hey, what'll you have?
He'll take a scotch.
- Right.
I got it! Swordfish.
- Go outside and see if it works.
Cut the cards.
Now, to business. I'm looking for two
football players who hang around here.
We hang around here...
- That's all I wanna know.
Prof. Wagstaff from Huxley College.
- That means nothing to me.
Means nothing to me, either.
I'll try it over again.
I'm Prof. Huxley
from Wagstaff College.
You didn't stay at the other one long.
Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?
- I'll talk it over with my partner.
In case I never see you again,
what would you want to play football?
First we want a football.
- I don't know if we've got one.
If we had, would you be interested?
No rush, you can sleep on it.
I no think I can sleep on a football.
- Who's gonna settle for these drinks?
You're stuck. - Can you cash a check
for $15.22? - Sure.
Five, ten, fifteen and twenty-two.
As soon as I get the check,
I'll send it to ya. Swordfish!
Laura!
- Good morning, Mr. Wagstaff.
Am I too early? - No, shall I tell
Miss Bailey you're here? - No, I will.
Give me the tray.
Would you open the door?
Your breakfast, Madam. Anything else?
Yes, put some cream in my coffee,
and tell me where you've been.
Busy arguing with Dad about you.
How many? - Two.
Well, what about me?
- Dad wants me to give you up.
You're interfering with my studies.
He must think I'm terrible.
- I think you're wonderful. Beautiful.
Are you making love to me?
- Why not?
"Everyone says I love you, the cop
on the corner and the burglar, too,
the preacher in the pulpit and the man
in the pew, says I love you.
Everyone, no matter who,
the folks over 80 and the kid of 2,
the captain and the sailor and the
rest of the crew, says I love you.
There are only 8 little letters
in this phrase,
you will find,
but they mean a lot more
than all the other words combined.
Everywhere the whole world through,
the king and the peasant, too,
The tiger in the jungle and the monk
in the zoo, says I love you."
Get that crate out of here!
You think this is a picnic?
Blocking traffic, holding up cars...
Who do you think you are?
You know what I'm going to do to you?
You're a wise guy, ain't you?
Let go of that club!
You see that badge?
And I say to you, gentlemen,
that this college is a failure.
Trouble is we're neglecting football
for education. - You are right.
No, I'm wrong.
I was just testing you.
Now I know
I'm dealing with a couple of snakes.
There's too much football, and not
enough education. - I think so, too.
Wrong again! If there was a snake here
I'd apologize.
Where would the college be
without football?
Have we got a stadium? - Yes.
- And a college? - Yes.
Well, we can't support both.
Start tearing down the college.
But where will the students sleep?
- Same as always. In the classroom.
Professor, the Dean of Science
wants to know when he'll see you.
He said he's tired of
cooling his heels out here.
Tell him
I'm cooling a couple of heels in here.
Now, where were we? Oh yes.
How much am I paying you fellas?
- 5,000. But we haven't been paid.
In that case, I'll raise it to 8,000.
And a bonus, for you and your dog.
The Dean's furious. He's waxing wroth!
Is Wroth there, too?
Tell him to wax the Dean for a while.
Guess that's bad, eh?
- One more thing, Professor.
It's about your son.
I'm afraid he's paying
too little attention to his studies,
and too much to Connie Bailey.
I'll put a stop to that.
I'll call her up right now.
Either of you weasels got her number?
- No. - Good thing I have.
Get me Maine 4-9970
and reverse the charges.
You may go now. Drop this
in the mailbox on your way out.
Hello, I want to speak to Miss Bailey.
Is this Miss Bailey?
Why, of course I know your son.
Why, that's silly.
We're just very good friends.
Professor, I don't understand.
You don't? Come over to my office.
You're in bed? In that case,
I'll come to your office.
Where are your tongs?
Looks like a tong war.
No more ice until you pay the bill.
How much do we owe you?
- $2,000. - Just for ice?
I can get an Eskimo for $200
and make my own ice.
I tell you what: You owe us 200.
We take 2,000 and call it square.
I'll consult my lawyer. If he tells me
to do it, I'll get a new lawyer.
Forget about the money. Go to college,
and get yourself a co-ed.
I gotta co-ed last week for $18,
a co-ed with two pairs of pants.
Since when has a co-ed two pairs
of pants? - Since I joined college.
Baravelli, you've got the brain
of a 4-year-old boy.
Now that you're a college boy,
here's your hat,
your pennant, your coat.
Report for football practice in the
morning. Now, sign this agreement.
There's nothing on this paper.
- We'll fill in something later.
Here, put your name on there.
Gee, I didn't know you could write.
Wait a minute, this isn't legal.
There's no seal on it.
Where's the seal?
- Where's the seal?
And thus we see that the function
of the respiratory system
is to transmit oxygen
into the bloodstream,
which is called osmosis...
Have they started
sawing a woman in half yet?
Mr President, what a pleasure!
What brings you here?
A bicycle, but I left it in the hall.
I brought you two dunces.
Come in, dunces.
Here they are, 10 cents a dunce.
Well, all you need now
is a bowl of cherries.
Find yourselves a couple of seats.
Now, let us go on with our lecture.
I wish you'd go on
without your lecture.
What do you think of that slide?
- I think he was safe at second.
Now, the circulatory system!
Here is the liver.
What, no bacon?
I'd send that back if I were you.
The liver, if neglected,
invariably leads to cirrhosis
You are all familiar
with the symptoms of cirrhosis.
Sure! So roses are red,
so violets are blue,
so sugar is sweet,
so so are you.
I bet I know who it is.
To protect the heart, or cardium,
Mother Nature has provided a sac,
called the pericardium.
Any questions?
Yes. When you gonna
cut the watermelon open?
Psychopathically,
the duodenum is in inverse ratio
to the coordination of the palyphus.
Is this stuff on the level, or are you
just making it up as you go along?
Why, everything I told you can be
found in the simplest anatomy book.
I'm sure my students will bear me out.
- We'll bear you out.
Let that be a lesson to all of you.
This school
will be here long after you're gone.
That goes for you, too.
Leave me alone!
Let us follow a corpuscle
on its journey.
Oh, my mistake,
I thought I was a corpuscle.
There is constant warfare
between the red and white corpuscles.
Now, baboons, what is a corpuscle?
- That's easy.
There's a captain, then a lieutenant,
then there's a corpuscle.
That's fine. Why don't you bore a hole
in yourself and let the sap run out.
We now find ourselves among the Alps,
simple people who eat rice and shoes.
Beyond are more Alps, and the Lord
Alps those who Alp themselves.
The blood rushes from the head to the
feet, gets a look at those feet,
and rushes back to the head again.
This is known as auction pinochle.
We first listen to your hearts beat,
and if your hearts beat anything
but diamonds and clubs, your partner
is cheating. Or your wife.
Now take this point, for instance...
That reminds me. Where's my son?
Well, the human body
takes many strange forms.
Now, here is a most unusual organ.
The organ will play a solo
immediately after the feature picture.
Scientists examine rats, or
your landlord who won't cut the rent.
And what do they find? Asparagus.
Now, on closer examination...
This needs closer examination.
In fact, it needs a nightgown.
Baravelli, who did this?
Is this your picture?
It doesn't look like me.
- Well, take it away
and hang it in my bedroom.
Now, who did it?
So you're the culprit.
Young man, you can't
burn the candle at both ends.
Well, I was wrong.
I thought it was a candle.
Well, you must be punished.
You stay after school.
But I didn't do anything.
I know, but there's no fun
keeping him after school.
Now, we'll have no more interruptions.
According to von Steinmetz,
the eminent physiologist, a group of
phagocytes...
According to von Steinmetz,
the eminent physiologist, a group of
er, phagocytes...
According to von...
According to von Steinmetz...
According to von Steinmetz, a group
of white phagocytes is present.
And they are essential
to prolonging life.
My left wing has been turned,
my rear end has been cut off.
But I'll fight it out on these lines...
They got me!
Hello.
Oh, it's you, Frank.
Why, of course,
I'd love to have you come over.
Alright, I'll be expecting you then.
Goodbye, darling.
Who are you calling "darling"?
- Frank Wagstaff, the professor's son.
I didn't tell you to fall for him,
just to find out about his team.
He says Huxley will win.
I've got my bankroll bet on Darwin,
and I'm taking no chances.
Before the game starts
I'll have the Huxley signals.
Down the hatch and on my way.
See you later.
Bye, dear.
Are you still here.
- I just came in.
What do you mean, am I still here?
- I mean, are you hear already?
I shouldn't be here. The old man
gave me a terrible bawling out.
Don't worry about him,
he'll never know you were here.
How about a little drink?
- Alright, I'll get you one. - Please!
Are you Miss Bailey?
Come, come, one of us is!
- I'm Miss Bailey, and who are you?
I'm Prof. Wagstoff. Who are you?
- Miss Bailey!
Then you are Miss Bailey.
Thought you could fool me.
You've got to give my son up.
- Give him up?
He's all I've got, apart from
a picture of George Washington.
But... - Lies! He's a shell of his
former self, which nobody can deny.
I tell you you're ruining him.
Did he tell you that you have
beautiful eyes? - Why, yes.
Told me that, too. Tells everyone!
I could sit on your lap all day
if you didn't stand up.
Quick, get out! That door.
I don't want any ice.
Who was that? - The ice man.
- You can't pull the wool over my ice.
The ice man leaves me cold.
Here you are...
- So, I caught you at last.
You are fooling around with her.
Oh, the shame of it.
A son taking a dame from his father.
- Dad... - Enough, get out of here!
I'll settle with this woman, then
we'll have you to dinner. Let's go.
Follow me.
Be a lamp in the window
for my wandering boy.
Where were we?
Oh yes, I was on your lap.
And doing pretty well, as I recall it.
Hurry, get out! Hurry!
And remember, stay undercover.
- I've more students in the college.
You dropped your ice.
I don't want any ice!
- Neither do I.
Now do you want any ice?
- No!
Oh, you're beautiful.
You're overcoming me.
- Thanks for reminding me.
I like you. You got something.
I'm gonna tell him he's crazy.
Professor, what are you doing here?
Nothing, since you came in.
You know him?
- He put me on the football team.
Now I just have to get him
off the couch.
Read any good books lately?
This must be the main highway.
Follow me,
I've been doing this all day.
Pretty popular place. - Yeah,
a hot dog stand would clean up.
What are you doing here?
- Me? I'm the music teacher.
Since when?
- Since you came in.
And you? - I'm the plumber. In case
something goes wrong with her pipes.
I haven't used that joke for 20 years.
Take a deep breath and follow me.
Cosy place we have here.
You sing high, eh?
- I have a falsetto voice.
My last pupil,
she gotta false set of teeth.
So maybe it's better you don't sing.
That's much better. I'll sing.
"Everyone says I love you,
the big mosquito when he sting you,
the fly when he's stuck on
the fly paper, too, says I love you.
Every time the cow says "moo",
she's making the bull very happy too,
and the rooster when he holler
cock-a-doodly-doo, says I love you.
Christopher Columbo, he write
the Queen of Spain a nice little note,
he say how I love you, then he get
a great big boat. He's a wise guy.
What you think Columbo do,
when he's coming here in 1492,
He says to Pocahontas, atch-a catchy
coo, which means I love you!"
Maybe it's better I don't sing, too.
- Yes. - Alright, I'll play.
I love good music. - So do I,
let's get out of here. - Sit down.
I've got to stay here. But you folks
can go into the lobby till it's over.
Well, that's all for the first lesson.
Next week I teach you how to breathe.
Don't breathe before then.
If this is a singing lesson,
I'm a ring-tailed monkey.
Keep your family out of it. Baravelli!
- What?
Are you going my way? - Yes.
- Then I'm staying here.
No you don't. And if I find you here
again, it'll be curtains.
Tell my son to take that lamp down.
Dad!
You've got the wrong football players.
- The whole team?
No, Baravelli and the dog catcher.
But I got them in the speakeasy.
- You got the wrong ones.
The ones I told you about are playing
for Darwin. - Send for Baravelli.
Don't leave a stone unturned.
He's probably under one.
Baravelli!
...2671, 57, 84, 59, 71...
What are you doing in there?
- I'm practising secret signals.
Come on out.
What do you want? - You can fix it
for our team to win. - Oh no,
I want to play. - Alright, but listen.
I want two Darwin players kidnapped.
Have you any experience in kidnapping?
- You bet. You know what I do?
First I call them up,
then I send them my chauffeur.
What kind of a car you got?
I no got a car, just a chauffeur.
But when you have a chauffeur,
aren't you supposed to have a car?
Well, I had, but it cost too much,
so I sold the car.
I would have kept the car.
I gotta have a chauffeur
to take me to work in the morning.
How can he take you to work?
He don't have to. I no gotta job.
That's it. How much would you want
to stand in front of a firing squad?
Now just a minute, boys.
I didn't come here to fight.
You have to, I've taken my coat off.
- I wanna talk to Baravelli.
You wouldn't mind stepping out?
I'd love to,
but I have to see the girl first.
I've got a proposition. - Watch out,
he's nearly as crooked as you.
Let's go in here.
I want you to do something for me.
- I'm busy.
We gotta kidnap a couple of players
from the Darwin team.
Is that so?
You don't mean McHardie and Mullen?
Sounds like it. But the fellas I mean
are Mullen and McHardie.
Let me give you a tip.
The boys live at 39 Hanley Street.
Thanks! - Now, I want you
to do something for me.
What do you want?
- Listen,
give me the signals,
and this 500 bucks is yours.
Alright.
Here's the signals.
Want a minute,
these are Darwin's signals.
You think I'd give you 500 dollars
for Darwin's signals?
They cost me 200.
I gotta make a little profit.
Listen, you gotta get busy
and get those football signals.
I thought you were going to get them.
- I wouldn't be asking you then.
You just have to get to the professor.
He's got the Huxley signals.
And I'm depending on you to get them.
Yes, but how?
- You know how.
Romance him, baby, romance him.
And remember, all you're to get
is the football signals.
"Everyone says I love you,
but just what they say it for,
I never knew,
it's just inviting trouble for
the poor sucker who says I love you.
Take a pair of rabbits who
get stuck on each other
and begin to woo,
and pretty soon you find a million
more rabbits who say I love you.
When a lion gets feeling frisky
and begins to roar,
there's another lion who knows
just what he's roaring for.
Everything that ever grew, the goose
and the gander and the gosling too,
the duck upon the water,
when he feels that way too, says..."
That's a wise quack.
You keep your bill out of this.
How would you like it
if I butted into your affairs?
This is my first time in a canoe
since I saw "The American Tragedy."
You're perfectly safe, Professor,
in this boat.
I was going to get a flat bottom,
but the boat girl didn't have one.
I could go on like this
drifting and dreaming for ever.
What a day. Spring in the air!
Who, me? And fall in the lake?
Professor, you're full of whimsy.
Can you tell from there?
I'm always like that after radishes.
Is that important?
- Is it important?
Those are the football signals.
I've got a duplicate in my pocket.
I always carry two of everything.
This is my first date with one woman.
You mean
you take two girls out every time?
I hate to see a girl walk home alone.
You know, Professor,
I've never seen football signals.
You think a little girl like me
could understand them?
I think you could understand anything.
Is the big stwong man
gonna show liddle icky baby
all about the bad football signals?
Was that you or the duck?
If it was you, I'm with the duck.
If icky baby don't learn
about the football signals,
icky baby gonna cry.
If icky girl keep talking that way,
big stwong man
gonna kick all her teef in.
Naughty man is only fooling!
Just for that I'm coming over
to smother him in kisses.
- You couldn't make that onions?
Oh, so that's your game.
Professor Wagstaff!
Just call me Quincy.
And later you can call me Quince.
Throw me the lifesaver!
Please hurry, Professor.
Hello. Yeah, this is McHardie.
So they're coming right over?
OK, we'll take care of them.
Jennings says Baravelli and the dog
catcher are coming to kidnap us
to keep us out of the game.
This is the place.
Now how we gonna catch 'em?
No, that's for flies.
Baseball players catch flies.
We look for football players.
You bring the tools?
You got the shovel, the axe
and the pick? Where's the pick?
No, that's no pick. That's a hog.
Don't you know what a hog is?
Oh, come on, let's get busy.
We gotta kidnap those players.
Mullen und McHardie?
That's us. What can we do for you?
- You got a brother?
No.
- You got a sister? - Yeah.
She's a very sick man.
You better come with us.
What happened to her?
She crash her automobile.
She has no automobile. - Then she fell
off a horse. We drive you there.
You will? I have no sister.
That's alright.
We gotta no car. Come on.
You think
you're gonna take us for a ride?
This is gonna take a long time.
Try one at a time.
Odin't work, eh?
Get tough.
Get tough with the other one.
Get tough with both of them.
Tougher!
Now you're getting someplace.
You better think of something else.
I'm exhausted, too.
Maybe you fellas got an idea?
- I'll say we do.
Where's that rope, Ed?
Get 'em, Ed!
Hey guys, we'll let you know
how the game comes out.
Now they've kidnapped us!
That's a fix-a fine we're in.
How we gonna get out?
I got an idea. You got a rope?
That's fine. Tie on the bed,
throw the rope out the window.
Tie on the bed,
throw the rope out the window.
Hey!
What you do? You no tie on the bed.
No, I mean a-tie the rope.
Now what you gonna do?
You crazy! That's a-no good.
How we gonna get out?
You wanna break-a my neck?
Don't worry, Mr. Jennings,
everything's working out fine.
Alright. That game's in the bag.
See ya later.
Wonder what the two mugs
are doing up there?
Our little playmates,
just in time for a cup of tea.
We got no cups. See ya after the game.
Come on, Pinky. - No yuh don't!
Take off your coat. Come on.
Off with your shirt.
Quit stallin'.
Now take off your pants.
- I got a date, nothing doing.
You too!
Take that coat off.
Stand over there, you.
Come on, Ed, let's take their clothes.
So,
if you boys'll excuse us,
we'll run along and play football.
Tune in on the radio if you
want to know how the game's going.
I'll send my sister over
to keep you company.
Gee, I guess it's locked.
Boy, what a pretty play.
Darwin's just got a fourth touchdown
and the crowd is going wild.
There seems to be no stopping
Mullen and McHardie.
Two minutes left to play
in the first quarter,
and what a lacing
the Huxley team is getting.
HcHardie has the ball
and he's breaking through.
I guess we made a grand slam.
Pinky, hurry up.
Come on, we still got time to play.
Fine kidnappers you are. The fellas
you kidnapped were here before you.
Look: 12 to nothing.
Fat lot you care.
Know what it means if Huxley loses?
Shame, disgrace, humiliation!
And you're crazy if you don't
play the ace. Come on, fight!
No, no, no, no! Get in that game!
Listen, you butter-fingered milksops!
The way you're playing, you couldn't
beat a girls' basketball team.
We're going to have to use
our star play No. 37,
where the quarterback makes
a lateral pass to the right guard...
Dad! - Wait a minute! Boys,
if you can't beat that bunch of...
Dad! - What do you want?
- You're talking to the wrong team.
I know I am,
but our team wouldn't listen to me.
Which way you going? - Out there.
- Drop me off at the 40-yard line.
Where's your number?
Boy, play like you did last time.
I bet five dollars on the other team.
Ready?
- OK.
Let's go!
Here comes Prof. Wagstaff.
Will you say something?
- I will if you get up.
Professor Wagstaff will tell you
all about the game.
Some football game. I wish
you were here. Instead of me.
Last week, I told you Mrs. Moskowitz
was expecting a blessed event.
Last night Mrs Moskowitz had twins.
OK, Mr. Moskowitz!
Thank you, Professor.
- It was nothing at all.
The boys are back in the field,
they're lined up,
Huxley is about to kick off,
and there they go!
Pardon me.
That'll teach him to pass a lady
without tipping his hat.
Hey, you wanna get hurt?
We're gonna throw a forward pass.
Signal: 18, 72, forward pass,
eenie, meenie, miney, mo.
Pinky, what are you doing here?
That tackle will cost you 15 yards.
You're supposed to tackle
the man with the ball, understand?
Hey, idiot, where's that ball?
Look, he's got the mumps.
- Give me that ball.
Give me it.
Ain't deaf over there.
- Signal: 18, 42, 56 and run. Hup!
Bring that back!
Signal: 85, 29, 78. Hup!
Come on, boys.
Jumping anaconda!
Is there a doctor in the stands?
Yes, I'm a doctor.
- How do you like the game, doc?
Come back for me in five minutes.
Fancy seeing you here.
It's a small world after all.
Why weren't you in the last scrimmage?
I'm sitting this one out.
- What are you doing with that cigar?
You know another way to smoke it?
- Get on your feet.
Don't look now,
but I think I see the chemistry prof.
Up there with the janitor's wife.
Here, have a cigar.
Signal.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Professor Wagstaff gets the ball.
Have you got it, boys?
- OK!
Hey, bring that ball in here.
There goes the ball.
Go on, Pinky. Make a home run.
Gee, Pinky, you made a touchdown.
Are you tired? That's marvellous.
I forgot your phone number.
- Where's that ball?
Here it is. Come on,
get off that ball.
You're holding up the game.
Signal: Uno, duo, tre, vendi,
this-a time we go left endi.
Nice work, Pinky.
Signal: Hi diddle diddle,
the cat and the fiddle,
this time I think
we go through the middle.
Hey, you're running the wrong way.
We are gathered together here to join
this man and this woman in matrimony.
Do you take this man to be
your lawful wedded husband? - I do.
of this college,
it is indeed a painful task
to bid you all goodbye.
And now, with the utmost pleasure,
may I present the man who is to guide
the destiny of this great institution:
Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff!
Professor, it is an honor
to welcome you to Huxley College.
Never mind that, hold this coat.
By the way, there's no smoking.
That's what you said.
It would please the faculty
if you would throw your cigar away.
The faculty can keep their seats.
There'll be no diving for this cigar.
Members of the faculty,
faculty members,
students of Huxley
and Huxley students!
I guess that covers everything.
I thought my razor was dull
until I heard his speech.
Which reminds me of a story so dirty
I'm ashamed to think of it myself.
As I look at your faces, I understand
why this college is flat on its back.
At my last college, it was slightly
different. I was flat on my back.
Things went from bad to worse,
but we all pulled together,
and soon I was flat on my back again.
Any questions? Any answers?
Any rags? Any bones?
Any bottles today? And rags...
Let's have some action around here.
Who'll say 76? Who'll say 1776?
That's the spirit! 1776!
You'd like to know why I'm here.
I came here to get my son out.
I remember the day he left:
A mere boy and a beardless youth.
I kissed them both goodbye.
By the way, where is my son?
Young lady, would you get up
so I can see the son rise?
So, doing your homework in school, eh?
- Hello, old-timer!
I'm sure the students would appreciate
an outline of your future plans.
What? - I said they would appreciate
an outline of your future plans.
You just said that. That's the trouble
around here: Talk, talk, talk.
I think I must go mad. Where will it
all end? What is it getting you?
Go home to your wife.
No, I'll go home to your wife.
Outside of the improvement,
she'll never know the difference.
Pull over to the side of the road
and let me see your marriage licence.
President Wagstaff, now that you
have stepped into my shoes...
Oh, is that what I stepped in?
At least you could have cleaned them.
- The trustees have a few suggestions.
I think you know what the trustees
can do with their suggestions.
"I don't know what they have to say,
it makes no difference anyway,
Whatever it is, I'm against it.
No matter what it is and who
commenced it, I'm against it.
Your proposition may be good, but
let's have one thing understood.
I'm against it!
And even when you've changed it
or condensed it, I'm against it.
I'm opposed to it.
On general principles opposed to it."
"He's opposed to it. In fact it seems
that he's opposed to it!"
"For months before my son was born,
I used to yell from night to morn:
Whatever it is, I'm against it!
And I've kept yelling since I first
commenced it: I'm against it!"
"Knowing Dad as I do,
I'd not advise you
to displease him, or tease him.
No, no!
Don't double-cross him
or toss him around.
When dear old Dad once gets mad
he's a hound!"
"My son is right, I'm quick to fight,
I'm from a fighting clan.
When I'm abused or badly used,
I always get my man.
No matter if he's in
Peru, Peduka or Japan,
I go ahead, alive or dead,
I always get my man."
"He goes ahead, alive or dead,
he always gets his man."
"I soon dispose of all of those
who put me on the pan.
As Shakespeare said to Nathan Hale:
I always get my man."
"He always gets his man!"
"That's what I said."
- "He always gets his man!"
"That's what I mean."
- "He always gets his man!"
"You're telling me?" - "He always gets
his man!" - "Oh, are you listening?"
"He gets his man! He gets his man!"
"I always get, I always get,
I always get,
I always get, I always get,
I always get my man!"
Splendid, Professor!
- Congratulations! - Thank you.
Marvellous! - Alright scram, boys,
I'll meet you in the barber shop.
Dad, let me congratulate you.
I'm proud to be your son.
My boy, you took the words out of my
mouth: I'm ashamed to be your father.
You're a disgrace to the family name
Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.
What's this about you fooling around
with the college widow?
No wonder you've been 12 years
in the same college!
I went to 3 colleges in 12 years
and fooled around with 3 widows.
At your age
I went to bed right after supper.
Sometimes before supper. Or I went
without supper, and didn't go to bed.
A college widow stood for something
in those days. She stood for plenty.
There's nothing between me and her.
- Then you're crazy to fool with her.
But... - I don't want to talk to you
about this again, you snob!
I'd horsewhip you, if I had a horse.
You may go now.
Leave your name with the girl outside.
We'll be in touch with you.
Where are you going?
- You just told me to go.
That's what they teach you here?
I tell you to go and you leave me?
You know you can't leave a school-room
without raising your hand.
This school has had a new president
every year since 1888,
when we won our last football game.
I like education as well as the next
man... - Then let me talk to him.
...but besides education, this
college needs a good football team.
And for a good football team, you need
good football players. - My boy,
I think you've got something. I'll
wait outside until you clean it up.
One more question: Where do you get
good football players?
In the speakeasy...
- In a speakeasy?
Isn't that against the law, selling
football players in a speakeasy?
Two of the best players in the country
hang out there.
You suggest that I go there,
without even giving me the address?
go there, it isn't ethical.
It's not right for a college to buy
football players. - It isn't, eh?
Well, come on and we'll have a nip.
Better still, you wait here.
Anything further, Father? - "Anything
further, Father?" That can't be right.
Isn't it "Anything Father, further?"
The idea! I married
your mother because I wanted children.
Imagine my disappointment with you!
"And I kept yelling since I first
commenced it: I'm against it!"
That's my proposition. How about it?
It's OK with us, Mr. Jennings, but
how are you gonna fix it?
- Don't worry, it's fixed already.
You'll be entered as Darwin students
to play in the game against Huxley.
Yeah, but how about the dough?
- Here's a little to start with.
You get the balance after the game.
With you boys playing for Darwin,
Huxley can't win. - You said it!
- Here's to dear old Darwin.
Alright boys, let's go.
Bye.
- So long.
Baravelli!
Hello?
Yes, lady, this is Baravelli,
the ice man. What do you want?
One quart of scotch,
one quart of rye.
Hold on, I see if I got 'em.
One quart of scotch.
One quart of rye.
OK, lady, I send 'em right over.
Hey, Baravelli!
What do ya want?
- Watch the door for a few minutes.
And don't let anyone in
without the password.
What is it?
- Swordfish is the password, right?
OK, I got it.
- Well, what is it? - Password.
Swordfish! Swordfish.
- Alright, swordfish!
Who are you? - I'm fine. Who are you?
- I'm fine, too. You need a password.
Well, what is the password?
- Oh no, you gotta tell me.
I tell what I do,
I give you three guesses.
It's the name of a fish.
- Is it Mary?
That's no fish!
- She isn't? She drinks like one.
Let me see. Is it sturgeon?
You crazy! A sturgeon, he's a doctor,
cuts you open when you sick.
You got one more chance.
- I got it. Haddock.
Funny, I gotta haddock too. - What do
you take? - Sometimes calomel...
I'd walk a mile for a calomel.
- You mean chocolate calomel. Me too.
But you no guess it.
Hey, you no understand English?
You only get in if you say swordfish.
Now, I give you one more guess.
- Swordfish... swordfish...
I think I got it. Is it swordfish?
- Ha! That's it! You guess it!
Pretty good, eh?
- Fine, you guess it...
What do you want? - To come in.
- Password? - You don't fool me!
Swordfish. - No, I got tired of that.
I changed it.
What's the password now?
- I forgot it. I better come outside.
Buddy, can you help me out?
I'd like to get a cup of coffee.
Hey, here comes my partner.
Hey, Pinky,
do you know the password?
Get up. That's no way to go into
a speakeasy. That's how you come out.
Hey, what'll you have?
He'll take a scotch.
- Right.
I got it! Swordfish.
- Go outside and see if it works.
Cut the cards.
Now, to business. I'm looking for two
football players who hang around here.
We hang around here...
- That's all I wanna know.
Prof. Wagstaff from Huxley College.
- That means nothing to me.
Means nothing to me, either.
I'll try it over again.
I'm Prof. Huxley
from Wagstaff College.
You didn't stay at the other one long.
Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?
- I'll talk it over with my partner.
In case I never see you again,
what would you want to play football?
First we want a football.
- I don't know if we've got one.
If we had, would you be interested?
No rush, you can sleep on it.
I no think I can sleep on a football.
- Who's gonna settle for these drinks?
You're stuck. - Can you cash a check
for $15.22? - Sure.
Five, ten, fifteen and twenty-two.
As soon as I get the check,
I'll send it to ya. Swordfish!
Laura!
- Good morning, Mr. Wagstaff.
Am I too early? - No, shall I tell
Miss Bailey you're here? - No, I will.
Give me the tray.
Would you open the door?
Your breakfast, Madam. Anything else?
Yes, put some cream in my coffee,
and tell me where you've been.
Busy arguing with Dad about you.
How many? - Two.
Well, what about me?
- Dad wants me to give you up.
You're interfering with my studies.
He must think I'm terrible.
- I think you're wonderful. Beautiful.
Are you making love to me?
- Why not?
"Everyone says I love you, the cop
on the corner and the burglar, too,
the preacher in the pulpit and the man
in the pew, says I love you.
Everyone, no matter who,
the folks over 80 and the kid of 2,
the captain and the sailor and the
rest of the crew, says I love you.
There are only 8 little letters
in this phrase,
you will find,
but they mean a lot more
than all the other words combined.
Everywhere the whole world through,
the king and the peasant, too,
The tiger in the jungle and the monk
in the zoo, says I love you."
Get that crate out of here!
You think this is a picnic?
Blocking traffic, holding up cars...
Who do you think you are?
You know what I'm going to do to you?
You're a wise guy, ain't you?
Let go of that club!
You see that badge?
And I say to you, gentlemen,
that this college is a failure.
Trouble is we're neglecting football
for education. - You are right.
No, I'm wrong.
I was just testing you.
Now I know
I'm dealing with a couple of snakes.
There's too much football, and not
enough education. - I think so, too.
Wrong again! If there was a snake here
I'd apologize.
Where would the college be
without football?
Have we got a stadium? - Yes.
- And a college? - Yes.
Well, we can't support both.
Start tearing down the college.
But where will the students sleep?
- Same as always. In the classroom.
Professor, the Dean of Science
wants to know when he'll see you.
He said he's tired of
cooling his heels out here.
Tell him
I'm cooling a couple of heels in here.
Now, where were we? Oh yes.
How much am I paying you fellas?
- 5,000. But we haven't been paid.
In that case, I'll raise it to 8,000.
And a bonus, for you and your dog.
The Dean's furious. He's waxing wroth!
Is Wroth there, too?
Tell him to wax the Dean for a while.
Guess that's bad, eh?
- One more thing, Professor.
It's about your son.
I'm afraid he's paying
too little attention to his studies,
and too much to Connie Bailey.
I'll put a stop to that.
I'll call her up right now.
Either of you weasels got her number?
- No. - Good thing I have.
Get me Maine 4-9970
and reverse the charges.
You may go now. Drop this
in the mailbox on your way out.
Hello, I want to speak to Miss Bailey.
Is this Miss Bailey?
Why, of course I know your son.
Why, that's silly.
We're just very good friends.
Professor, I don't understand.
You don't? Come over to my office.
You're in bed? In that case,
I'll come to your office.
Where are your tongs?
Looks like a tong war.
No more ice until you pay the bill.
How much do we owe you?
- $2,000. - Just for ice?
I can get an Eskimo for $200
and make my own ice.
I tell you what: You owe us 200.
We take 2,000 and call it square.
I'll consult my lawyer. If he tells me
to do it, I'll get a new lawyer.
Forget about the money. Go to college,
and get yourself a co-ed.
I gotta co-ed last week for $18,
a co-ed with two pairs of pants.
Since when has a co-ed two pairs
of pants? - Since I joined college.
Baravelli, you've got the brain
of a 4-year-old boy.
Now that you're a college boy,
here's your hat,
your pennant, your coat.
Report for football practice in the
morning. Now, sign this agreement.
There's nothing on this paper.
- We'll fill in something later.
Here, put your name on there.
Gee, I didn't know you could write.
Wait a minute, this isn't legal.
There's no seal on it.
Where's the seal?
- Where's the seal?
And thus we see that the function
of the respiratory system
is to transmit oxygen
into the bloodstream,
which is called osmosis...
Have they started
sawing a woman in half yet?
Mr President, what a pleasure!
What brings you here?
A bicycle, but I left it in the hall.
I brought you two dunces.
Come in, dunces.
Here they are, 10 cents a dunce.
Well, all you need now
is a bowl of cherries.
Find yourselves a couple of seats.
Now, let us go on with our lecture.
I wish you'd go on
without your lecture.
What do you think of that slide?
- I think he was safe at second.
Now, the circulatory system!
Here is the liver.
What, no bacon?
I'd send that back if I were you.
The liver, if neglected,
invariably leads to cirrhosis
You are all familiar
with the symptoms of cirrhosis.
Sure! So roses are red,
so violets are blue,
so sugar is sweet,
so so are you.
I bet I know who it is.
To protect the heart, or cardium,
Mother Nature has provided a sac,
called the pericardium.
Any questions?
Yes. When you gonna
cut the watermelon open?
Psychopathically,
the duodenum is in inverse ratio
to the coordination of the palyphus.
Is this stuff on the level, or are you
just making it up as you go along?
Why, everything I told you can be
found in the simplest anatomy book.
I'm sure my students will bear me out.
- We'll bear you out.
Let that be a lesson to all of you.
This school
will be here long after you're gone.
That goes for you, too.
Leave me alone!
Let us follow a corpuscle
on its journey.
Oh, my mistake,
I thought I was a corpuscle.
There is constant warfare
between the red and white corpuscles.
Now, baboons, what is a corpuscle?
- That's easy.
There's a captain, then a lieutenant,
then there's a corpuscle.
That's fine. Why don't you bore a hole
in yourself and let the sap run out.
We now find ourselves among the Alps,
simple people who eat rice and shoes.
Beyond are more Alps, and the Lord
Alps those who Alp themselves.
The blood rushes from the head to the
feet, gets a look at those feet,
and rushes back to the head again.
This is known as auction pinochle.
We first listen to your hearts beat,
and if your hearts beat anything
but diamonds and clubs, your partner
is cheating. Or your wife.
Now take this point, for instance...
That reminds me. Where's my son?
Well, the human body
takes many strange forms.
Now, here is a most unusual organ.
The organ will play a solo
immediately after the feature picture.
Scientists examine rats, or
your landlord who won't cut the rent.
And what do they find? Asparagus.
Now, on closer examination...
This needs closer examination.
In fact, it needs a nightgown.
Baravelli, who did this?
Is this your picture?
It doesn't look like me.
- Well, take it away
and hang it in my bedroom.
Now, who did it?
So you're the culprit.
Young man, you can't
burn the candle at both ends.
Well, I was wrong.
I thought it was a candle.
Well, you must be punished.
You stay after school.
But I didn't do anything.
I know, but there's no fun
keeping him after school.
Now, we'll have no more interruptions.
According to von Steinmetz,
the eminent physiologist, a group of
phagocytes...
According to von Steinmetz,
the eminent physiologist, a group of
er, phagocytes...
According to von...
According to von Steinmetz...
According to von Steinmetz, a group
of white phagocytes is present.
And they are essential
to prolonging life.
My left wing has been turned,
my rear end has been cut off.
But I'll fight it out on these lines...
They got me!
Hello.
Oh, it's you, Frank.
Why, of course,
I'd love to have you come over.
Alright, I'll be expecting you then.
Goodbye, darling.
Who are you calling "darling"?
- Frank Wagstaff, the professor's son.
I didn't tell you to fall for him,
just to find out about his team.
He says Huxley will win.
I've got my bankroll bet on Darwin,
and I'm taking no chances.
Before the game starts
I'll have the Huxley signals.
Down the hatch and on my way.
See you later.
Bye, dear.
Are you still here.
- I just came in.
What do you mean, am I still here?
- I mean, are you hear already?
I shouldn't be here. The old man
gave me a terrible bawling out.
Don't worry about him,
he'll never know you were here.
How about a little drink?
- Alright, I'll get you one. - Please!
Are you Miss Bailey?
Come, come, one of us is!
- I'm Miss Bailey, and who are you?
I'm Prof. Wagstoff. Who are you?
- Miss Bailey!
Then you are Miss Bailey.
Thought you could fool me.
You've got to give my son up.
- Give him up?
He's all I've got, apart from
a picture of George Washington.
But... - Lies! He's a shell of his
former self, which nobody can deny.
I tell you you're ruining him.
Did he tell you that you have
beautiful eyes? - Why, yes.
Told me that, too. Tells everyone!
I could sit on your lap all day
if you didn't stand up.
Quick, get out! That door.
I don't want any ice.
Who was that? - The ice man.
- You can't pull the wool over my ice.
The ice man leaves me cold.
Here you are...
- So, I caught you at last.
You are fooling around with her.
Oh, the shame of it.
A son taking a dame from his father.
- Dad... - Enough, get out of here!
I'll settle with this woman, then
we'll have you to dinner. Let's go.
Follow me.
Be a lamp in the window
for my wandering boy.
Where were we?
Oh yes, I was on your lap.
And doing pretty well, as I recall it.
Hurry, get out! Hurry!
And remember, stay undercover.
- I've more students in the college.
You dropped your ice.
I don't want any ice!
- Neither do I.
Now do you want any ice?
- No!
Oh, you're beautiful.
You're overcoming me.
- Thanks for reminding me.
I like you. You got something.
I'm gonna tell him he's crazy.
Professor, what are you doing here?
Nothing, since you came in.
You know him?
- He put me on the football team.
Now I just have to get him
off the couch.
Read any good books lately?
This must be the main highway.
Follow me,
I've been doing this all day.
Pretty popular place. - Yeah,
a hot dog stand would clean up.
What are you doing here?
- Me? I'm the music teacher.
Since when?
- Since you came in.
And you? - I'm the plumber. In case
something goes wrong with her pipes.
I haven't used that joke for 20 years.
Take a deep breath and follow me.
Cosy place we have here.
You sing high, eh?
- I have a falsetto voice.
My last pupil,
she gotta false set of teeth.
So maybe it's better you don't sing.
That's much better. I'll sing.
"Everyone says I love you,
the big mosquito when he sting you,
the fly when he's stuck on
the fly paper, too, says I love you.
Every time the cow says "moo",
she's making the bull very happy too,
and the rooster when he holler
cock-a-doodly-doo, says I love you.
Christopher Columbo, he write
the Queen of Spain a nice little note,
he say how I love you, then he get
a great big boat. He's a wise guy.
What you think Columbo do,
when he's coming here in 1492,
He says to Pocahontas, atch-a catchy
coo, which means I love you!"
Maybe it's better I don't sing, too.
- Yes. - Alright, I'll play.
I love good music. - So do I,
let's get out of here. - Sit down.
I've got to stay here. But you folks
can go into the lobby till it's over.
Well, that's all for the first lesson.
Next week I teach you how to breathe.
Don't breathe before then.
If this is a singing lesson,
I'm a ring-tailed monkey.
Keep your family out of it. Baravelli!
- What?
Are you going my way? - Yes.
- Then I'm staying here.
No you don't. And if I find you here
again, it'll be curtains.
Tell my son to take that lamp down.
Dad!
You've got the wrong football players.
- The whole team?
No, Baravelli and the dog catcher.
But I got them in the speakeasy.
- You got the wrong ones.
The ones I told you about are playing
for Darwin. - Send for Baravelli.
Don't leave a stone unturned.
He's probably under one.
Baravelli!
...2671, 57, 84, 59, 71...
What are you doing in there?
- I'm practising secret signals.
Come on out.
What do you want? - You can fix it
for our team to win. - Oh no,
I want to play. - Alright, but listen.
I want two Darwin players kidnapped.
Have you any experience in kidnapping?
- You bet. You know what I do?
First I call them up,
then I send them my chauffeur.
What kind of a car you got?
I no got a car, just a chauffeur.
But when you have a chauffeur,
aren't you supposed to have a car?
Well, I had, but it cost too much,
so I sold the car.
I would have kept the car.
I gotta have a chauffeur
to take me to work in the morning.
How can he take you to work?
He don't have to. I no gotta job.
That's it. How much would you want
to stand in front of a firing squad?
Now just a minute, boys.
I didn't come here to fight.
You have to, I've taken my coat off.
- I wanna talk to Baravelli.
You wouldn't mind stepping out?
I'd love to,
but I have to see the girl first.
I've got a proposition. - Watch out,
he's nearly as crooked as you.
Let's go in here.
I want you to do something for me.
- I'm busy.
We gotta kidnap a couple of players
from the Darwin team.
Is that so?
You don't mean McHardie and Mullen?
Sounds like it. But the fellas I mean
are Mullen and McHardie.
Let me give you a tip.
The boys live at 39 Hanley Street.
Thanks! - Now, I want you
to do something for me.
What do you want?
- Listen,
give me the signals,
and this 500 bucks is yours.
Alright.
Here's the signals.
Want a minute,
these are Darwin's signals.
You think I'd give you 500 dollars
for Darwin's signals?
They cost me 200.
I gotta make a little profit.
Listen, you gotta get busy
and get those football signals.
I thought you were going to get them.
- I wouldn't be asking you then.
You just have to get to the professor.
He's got the Huxley signals.
And I'm depending on you to get them.
Yes, but how?
- You know how.
Romance him, baby, romance him.
And remember, all you're to get
is the football signals.
"Everyone says I love you,
but just what they say it for,
I never knew,
it's just inviting trouble for
the poor sucker who says I love you.
Take a pair of rabbits who
get stuck on each other
and begin to woo,
and pretty soon you find a million
more rabbits who say I love you.
When a lion gets feeling frisky
and begins to roar,
there's another lion who knows
just what he's roaring for.
Everything that ever grew, the goose
and the gander and the gosling too,
the duck upon the water,
when he feels that way too, says..."
That's a wise quack.
You keep your bill out of this.
How would you like it
if I butted into your affairs?
This is my first time in a canoe
since I saw "The American Tragedy."
You're perfectly safe, Professor,
in this boat.
I was going to get a flat bottom,
but the boat girl didn't have one.
I could go on like this
drifting and dreaming for ever.
What a day. Spring in the air!
Who, me? And fall in the lake?
Professor, you're full of whimsy.
Can you tell from there?
I'm always like that after radishes.
Is that important?
- Is it important?
Those are the football signals.
I've got a duplicate in my pocket.
I always carry two of everything.
This is my first date with one woman.
You mean
you take two girls out every time?
I hate to see a girl walk home alone.
You know, Professor,
I've never seen football signals.
You think a little girl like me
could understand them?
I think you could understand anything.
Is the big stwong man
gonna show liddle icky baby
all about the bad football signals?
Was that you or the duck?
If it was you, I'm with the duck.
If icky baby don't learn
about the football signals,
icky baby gonna cry.
If icky girl keep talking that way,
big stwong man
gonna kick all her teef in.
Naughty man is only fooling!
Just for that I'm coming over
to smother him in kisses.
- You couldn't make that onions?
Oh, so that's your game.
Professor Wagstaff!
Just call me Quincy.
And later you can call me Quince.
Throw me the lifesaver!
Please hurry, Professor.
Hello. Yeah, this is McHardie.
So they're coming right over?
OK, we'll take care of them.
Jennings says Baravelli and the dog
catcher are coming to kidnap us
to keep us out of the game.
This is the place.
Now how we gonna catch 'em?
No, that's for flies.
Baseball players catch flies.
We look for football players.
You bring the tools?
You got the shovel, the axe
and the pick? Where's the pick?
No, that's no pick. That's a hog.
Don't you know what a hog is?
Oh, come on, let's get busy.
We gotta kidnap those players.
Mullen und McHardie?
That's us. What can we do for you?
- You got a brother?
No.
- You got a sister? - Yeah.
She's a very sick man.
You better come with us.
What happened to her?
She crash her automobile.
She has no automobile. - Then she fell
off a horse. We drive you there.
You will? I have no sister.
That's alright.
We gotta no car. Come on.
You think
you're gonna take us for a ride?
This is gonna take a long time.
Try one at a time.
Odin't work, eh?
Get tough.
Get tough with the other one.
Get tough with both of them.
Tougher!
Now you're getting someplace.
You better think of something else.
I'm exhausted, too.
Maybe you fellas got an idea?
- I'll say we do.
Where's that rope, Ed?
Get 'em, Ed!
Hey guys, we'll let you know
how the game comes out.
Now they've kidnapped us!
That's a fix-a fine we're in.
How we gonna get out?
I got an idea. You got a rope?
That's fine. Tie on the bed,
throw the rope out the window.
Tie on the bed,
throw the rope out the window.
Hey!
What you do? You no tie on the bed.
No, I mean a-tie the rope.
Now what you gonna do?
You crazy! That's a-no good.
How we gonna get out?
You wanna break-a my neck?
Don't worry, Mr. Jennings,
everything's working out fine.
Alright. That game's in the bag.
See ya later.
Wonder what the two mugs
are doing up there?
Our little playmates,
just in time for a cup of tea.
We got no cups. See ya after the game.
Come on, Pinky. - No yuh don't!
Take off your coat. Come on.
Off with your shirt.
Quit stallin'.
Now take off your pants.
- I got a date, nothing doing.
You too!
Take that coat off.
Stand over there, you.
Come on, Ed, let's take their clothes.
So,
if you boys'll excuse us,
we'll run along and play football.
Tune in on the radio if you
want to know how the game's going.
I'll send my sister over
to keep you company.
Gee, I guess it's locked.
Boy, what a pretty play.
Darwin's just got a fourth touchdown
and the crowd is going wild.
There seems to be no stopping
Mullen and McHardie.
Two minutes left to play
in the first quarter,
and what a lacing
the Huxley team is getting.
HcHardie has the ball
and he's breaking through.
I guess we made a grand slam.
Pinky, hurry up.
Come on, we still got time to play.
Fine kidnappers you are. The fellas
you kidnapped were here before you.
Look: 12 to nothing.
Fat lot you care.
Know what it means if Huxley loses?
Shame, disgrace, humiliation!
And you're crazy if you don't
play the ace. Come on, fight!
No, no, no, no! Get in that game!
Listen, you butter-fingered milksops!
The way you're playing, you couldn't
beat a girls' basketball team.
We're going to have to use
our star play No. 37,
where the quarterback makes
a lateral pass to the right guard...
Dad! - Wait a minute! Boys,
if you can't beat that bunch of...
Dad! - What do you want?
- You're talking to the wrong team.
I know I am,
but our team wouldn't listen to me.
Which way you going? - Out there.
- Drop me off at the 40-yard line.
Where's your number?
Boy, play like you did last time.
I bet five dollars on the other team.
Ready?
- OK.
Let's go!
Here comes Prof. Wagstaff.
Will you say something?
- I will if you get up.
Professor Wagstaff will tell you
all about the game.
Some football game. I wish
you were here. Instead of me.
Last week, I told you Mrs. Moskowitz
was expecting a blessed event.
Last night Mrs Moskowitz had twins.
OK, Mr. Moskowitz!
Thank you, Professor.
- It was nothing at all.
The boys are back in the field,
they're lined up,
Huxley is about to kick off,
and there they go!
Pardon me.
That'll teach him to pass a lady
without tipping his hat.
Hey, you wanna get hurt?
We're gonna throw a forward pass.
Signal: 18, 72, forward pass,
eenie, meenie, miney, mo.
Pinky, what are you doing here?
That tackle will cost you 15 yards.
You're supposed to tackle
the man with the ball, understand?
Hey, idiot, where's that ball?
Look, he's got the mumps.
- Give me that ball.
Give me it.
Ain't deaf over there.
- Signal: 18, 42, 56 and run. Hup!
Bring that back!
Signal: 85, 29, 78. Hup!
Come on, boys.
Jumping anaconda!
Is there a doctor in the stands?
Yes, I'm a doctor.
- How do you like the game, doc?
Come back for me in five minutes.
Fancy seeing you here.
It's a small world after all.
Why weren't you in the last scrimmage?
I'm sitting this one out.
- What are you doing with that cigar?
You know another way to smoke it?
- Get on your feet.
Don't look now,
but I think I see the chemistry prof.
Up there with the janitor's wife.
Here, have a cigar.
Signal.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Professor Wagstaff gets the ball.
Have you got it, boys?
- OK!
Hey, bring that ball in here.
There goes the ball.
Go on, Pinky. Make a home run.
Gee, Pinky, you made a touchdown.
Are you tired? That's marvellous.
I forgot your phone number.
- Where's that ball?
Here it is. Come on,
get off that ball.
You're holding up the game.
Signal: Uno, duo, tre, vendi,
this-a time we go left endi.
Nice work, Pinky.
Signal: Hi diddle diddle,
the cat and the fiddle,
this time I think
we go through the middle.
Hey, you're running the wrong way.
We are gathered together here to join
this man and this woman in matrimony.
Do you take this man to be
your lawful wedded husband? - I do.