How to Marry a Millionaire (1953) Movie Script
New York, New York
You high and mighty, bright and shiny
fabulous place, New York
New York, New York
You busy, dizzy, razzle-dazzle
scandalous place, New York
Guys with easy money
tryin' to blow it
Dolls with hidden talent
dyin' to show it
Take off for Broadway
by taxi, by subway
And land on the town
A merry-go-round
New York, New York
Where millionaires and Cinderellas
rendezvous at the Stork
In Central Park romantic babies
and their fellas rendezvous in the dark
Crazy city with its hat
on the steeple
Noisy city with
its millions of people
Doorway to glory
and fortune and fame
You'll never get your fill of it
never forget the thrill of it
Glorious, glamorous
wonderland
New York
Oh, is Mr. Benton here yet,
the agent for the apartments?
Oh, yes. He's in there
waiting for you now.
Thank you.
Oh, good morning, Mrs. Page.
I do hope I haven't
kept you waiting too long.
Not in the least. I'm afraid I have
a little disappointment for you, though.
You won't be able to meet Mr. Denmark.
He flew to Europe this morning.
Oh, dear, I am disappointed.
Wasn't that awfully sudden?
Oh very. You know how those income tax
people are when you skip a whole year.
And the result, of course, is that
a longer lease is now possible.
Open, if you don't mind.
Hmm? Oh, oh, certainly.
Certainly.
How long a lease? Not that it matters
if he's to insist on a thousand a month.
That's what I wanted to
see him about, personally.
Oh, he won't be needing
the place for years now.
I hear Mr. Whiskers really
blew his top this time.
You mean he can't come back
to this country?
It would be I understand
the very height of folly.
Oh, I see. Well, it throws
an entirely different light.
Where's that lease?
Well, I'm afraid
I haven't got it with me.
Oh, never mind.
You can mail it to me.
This is for two months,
the first and the last.
- That's the deal, isn't it?
- That's correct.
How soon would you like
to take possession?
Oh, anything wrong
with right now?
Nothing at all. It's a little unusual,
of course, but, uh...
Thank you so much, Mr. Benton.
You've been awfully kind.
Oh, thank you, Mrs. Page.
It's a genuine pleasure to do business
with a woman of such decision.
- We in the real estate game...
- Bye now.
Oh, yes, of course. Well.
Oh, I almost forgot.
How long shall I make the lease for?
Oh, a year will be quite enough.
Thank you.
But don't you think
you oughta have it...
- Yes?
- Bingo.
I'll be right over.
- To the left.
- Thanks.
All right, put'em on.
No men here yet.
You certainly got here in a hurry.
Did you take a taxi?
No, I didn't have
enough money for a taxi
I had the Chrysler people demonstrate
that new showboat for me again.
- The one with the gold trim?
- Was it gold?
I didn't want to put on my specs
with the driver there, you know.
The one they sent for me
had gold trim.
Brother!
Smooth, huh?
Creamy. Are we really in?
- Built in.
- 'll call Loco.
Loco who?
You know, that girl
I was telling you about from Jersey.
You didn't tell me
her name was "Loco."
It isn't. That's what the other models
call her. It means crazy, you know?
That's what I know.
- Hello?
- Bingo!
- Hold that for a minute.
- Just a minute, Loke.
I can't shack up with a dame I haven't
even met, and she's crazy too.
You don't have to. All I'm going to
ask her is to come up here.
If you don't like her,
that's the end of it.
- s she class?
- s she. Didn't I tell you?
She's been on the cover of
Harper's Bazaar three times already.
And she knows
how to handle it?
- Well, let's see if she does. Loke?
- Yes?
- How much money you got?
- 've got a quarter.
That's wonderful. Stop in on your way
up here and pick up lunch for us.
- How many?
- Three.
Okay. Just as soon
as I get something on.
There's a fine contribution to a million
dollar proposition, one whole quarter.
Maybe, but she's awful
clever with a quarter.
I just don't know how I'll ever
be able to thank you enough.
I'm still so embarrassed.
You have no reason to be. Anybody can
forget their money. I've done it myself.
I know, but...
Oh, hi, honey.
- Come on in.
- Come in.
This is a gentleman I met
at the cold cuts counter.
- What did you say your name was?
- Tom Brookman.
B- R-O-O-K-M-A-N.
Brookman.
Well, this is my friend,
Miss Pola Debevoise.
- How do you do?
- Oh, and this is Miss Page, isn't it?
- Mrs. Page.
- How do you do? t was very funny.
I was ordering some pastrami
and potato salad,
and I heard Miss Dempsey explaining
she only had a quarter...
You can just set that down.
We'll take it from here.
Oh, wouldn't you like me
to put them in the kitchen?
No, I don't think you'd better.
The cook's not dressed.
- Oh, really?
- Thank you very much.
Some other day.
Give us a ring next week.
- don't know your number.
- That's all right. It's in the book.
Thank you very much,
Mr. Brookman.
- But I don't know your first name.
- He was really very nice.
I thought he might
have lunch with us.
Look, the first rule of this proposition
is that gentleman callers
have got to wear a necktie.
I don't want to be snobbish,
but if we begin with characters like that,
we might just as well
throw in the towel right now
Thanks, Mick.
Keep the change.
- How do, Mr. Brookman?
- Hiya, Pete.
The next thing to remember is
a gentleman you meet among cold cuts
is simply not as attractive
as one that you meet,
say in the mink department
at Bergdorf's.
But he was cute,
don't you think?
Sure he was, but then I never met one
of those gas pump jockeys that wasn't.
- s that what he is?
- You bet your life.
I know those guys. I married one once.
Very very cute fellow.
- didn't know you were really married.
- Just got back from Reno.
Oh, then you must be loaded.
Mine was one of those divorces you don't
read about. The wife finished second.
But that's against the law, isn't it?
I was absolutely nuts about that guy,
and you know what he did to me?
First off, he gives me
a phony name.
Second, it turns out
he was already married yet.
Third, from the minute
the preacher said, "Amen,"
he never did
another tap of work.
The next thing I knew he'd stolen my
television set and given it to a carhop.
When I ask him how about that,
he hits me with a chicken.
- A live chicken?
- No, a baked chicken, stuffed.
He sounds incompatible to me.
Last I saw of him, I stepped out of
the car for a minute at a gas station.
I had to walk home.
Well, I'm surprised
you'd ever want to get married again.
Oh, but that's the point
about this whole setup.
Of course I want to
get married again.
Who doesn't?
It's the biggest thing
you can do in life.
The way most people go about it,
they use more brains
picking a horse in the third at Belmont
than they do picking a husband.
- Do they really?
- t's your head you've got to use,
not your heart.
- Oh, I see.
Tell her your idea
about this apartment.
Well, to put it simply,
the idea is this.
If you had your choice
of everybody in the world,
which would you rather marry,
a rich guy or a poor one?
I think I'd rather marry a rich one.
All right. Where would you
be most likely to meet a rich one,
in a walk-up on Amsterdam Avenue
or in a joint like this?
Well...
I should say in a joint like this.
Okay, then, that's it.
We're all working steady,
so we throw everything
we make into the kitty,
and get a little organization
into this marriage caper.
Class address, class background,
class characters.
To be specific about it,
nothing under six figures a year.
I've never heard anything
so intelligent in my life.
If you want to catch a mouse,
you set a mousetrap.
So, all right,
we set a bear trap.
All we've got to do is one of us
has got to knock off a bear.
- You mean marry him?
- f you don't marry him,
you haven't caught him,
he's caught you.
All my life, ever since I was a little
girl, I've had the same dream,
to marry a zillionaire.
Do you know who I'd like to marry?
- Who?
- Rockefeller.
- Which one?
- don't care.
I wouldn't mind marrying
a Vanderbilt.
Or a Mr. Cadillac.
No such person. I checked.
Is there a Mr. Texaco?
No. But how about one
of those rich maharajas?
How about three of them?
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we had three
of them for dinner and they married us?
Think of all those
diamonds and rubies.
And all those crazy elephants.
This is really living it up, isn't it?
People that live any other way
are just crazy.
I wonder who's going to pay for it.
- Yeah, how about that?
- Well, I'll tell you.
I knew it couldn't last.
Relax, will you? And somebody
break open that other bottle.
Good afternoon. I'm Mr. Bennett
of the Bennett Music Company.
- Are you the lady...
- That's right. Come right in.
Thank you.
The reason I called you is,
what will you give me
for this piano, cash?
Well,
it's a very handsome instrument.
Really, Pola, I think she's the most
intelligent person I guess I ever met.
Well, it's not in first-class condition,
you understand,
but, uh, we might be interested
in paying you, say 2,500?
We'll take it.
Well, kids,
where will we eat tonight,
the Stork or 21?
Hello?
Is this Trafalgar 7-5098?
- Yes?
- Who's this, Miss Page?
- Yes, who is this?
- This is Tom Brookman.
- Oh.
- You remember me.
- Oh, sure, but...
- Well, I kept thinking about you,
but I didn't realize who you were till I
picked up an old magazine this morning.
- What do you mean?
- You were Miss Steinbach Beer last year.
Why, yes, I believe I was.
And isn't that you jumping around in
a girdle in all those ads in magazines?
I wouldn't exactly call it "jumping around."
I'm supposed to be dancing.
Reason I called, I was wondering if you
wouldn't have dinner with me some night.
Whatever night you say.
What about tonight?
- 'm afraid I can't tonight.
- Tomorrow night?
- 'm sorry.
- What about Thursday night?
Mr. Brookman, you're wasting your time
on this number. Don't call it again.
Hey, kid!
- Pola?
- Yes?
Do you think we'll ever be able
to get this job off the ground?
- What do you mean?
- Here we are nearly three months,
and we can't even get ourselves
engaged, much less married.
- could have got engaged last week.
- To?
- That English fellow.
- What English fellow?
You know, that tall one that
borrowed five dollars from me.
That's what I mean. Here we are
set up strictly for the carriage train,
and what do we get, you hook a schnook
who takes you for a fin,
I get an invitation
to Hamburger Heaven for dinner,
and Loco shows up every evening with
a gentleman she's met in the drugstore,
with five more shower caps
and three quarts of aspirin tablets.
And where do you think
that's gonna get us?
I don't think it's us.
I think it's the men these days.
They're getting more and more nervous,
especially the loaded ones.
Meanwhile, where are
we gonna sit next week?
Well, we're both trying, you know.
It isn't always easy
to find out right away
how much they're worth
or if they're married or not.
They look at you like you're
prying into their private affairs.
Something's got to break soon,
or we're gonna be out on the sidewalk.
And all we need, you know,
is just one.
That's the beautiful thing
about a bear trap.
You don't have to catch
a whole herd of them,
all you need is
one nice, big, fat one.
Probably Miss Perth Amboy again
with another load of dollar-day Kleenex.
Thanks.
- Oh, hello, Schatze.
- Hello.
This is... I'm sorry.
What did you say your name was?
- Hanley. J.D. Hanley.
- Of course.
This is Schatze Page,
and this is Pola Debevoise.
- How do you do?
- How do you do, ladies?
I met Mr. Hanley
in the mink department at Bergdorf's.
- Really?
- Yes, the clerk was nice enough to...
You'll have to excuse
the state of this apartment.
We've just sent everything out
to be cleaned.
But if you don't mind
coming into the dining room.
Oh, of course not.
And with the maid off today,
we're roughing it, you might say.
- Won't you sit down?
- Oh, thank you very much, but I can't stay.
I just came along to help
Miss Dempsey with her bundle.
Mr. Hanley's from Dallas, Texas.
Oh, really?
In the oil business?
Oh, a little oil, but mostly stock.
- Stocks and bonds?
- No, none of that sort of thing for me.
My stock is
white-faced Hereford, polled.
- Come again?
- Cattle.
- You know, like cows.
- Oh, I see.
Are you sure you won't sit down
for just a little while?
Oh, I haven't time right now. But what
I was talking to Miss Dempsey about,
there's a little organization that
I'm a member of, the Oil Institute.
Kind of elder statesmen
of the business.
We're having a little informal
reception tonight.
If you young ladies would
honor us with your presence,
I'm sure you'd make us
all very happy, indeed.
Do you mean
nothing but oil men?
Well, not exactly.
Probably a few bankers too.
Well, bankers will be all right.
- Don't you think?
- Naturally.
I realize this is a little sudden
and unconventional,
but there will be dancing and
a few drinks and a few laughs perhaps.
- Sounds just creamy to me.
- like laughs.
- Well, then it's a deal?
- 'd love it.
That's wonderful. I'll pick you up
around 8:30, if that's all right.
Will we meet some of
the other gentlemen too?
Oh, all of them. And don't worry,
they're not all old crooks like me.
- What on earth!
- Stop it!
You look just in the prime to me.
Thank you, ladies. You've already
made my trip to New York worthwhile.
Bye now.
I think this is it, kids.
A great big room full of nothing
but rich millionaires
and us.
This brings us down to 1947.
I think it's a very good idea.
Where should we go?
Well, there's a new place...
Good evening, madame.
Good evening, sir.
- Table for two.
- Certainly, sir.
This way, madame.
- Champagne?
- We might as well.
Oh, a table for two, Philip.
Certainly, madame.
Will you come this way?
- The best, you know.
- Certainly, sir.
The best we have, sir.
- A quart of champagne.
- What kind, sir?
- The best you've got.
- Very good, sir.
- Good evening.
- Good evening. Two, please.
This way, please.
- This way, my dear.
- 'm so sorry.
Oh, I am sorry.
Did you say
you were alone here?
Oh, there's quite a party
of us up from Texas.
- All men?
- Oh, some wives too.
You met some of them this evening.
The others went to a show.
You know how the women are
when they get to New York.
I know.
I think Ella has seen five shows
in the last three days.
- see.
- Ella's my daughter.
- Oh, really?
- Mm.
Is Mrs. Merrill here with you?
There is no Mrs. Merrill,
and I live in New York.
Does that clear the situation
a bit for you?
Oh, yes, indeedy,
it does.
Are you married?
Married? sometimes think
I'm the most married man in the U.S.A.
Do you know how many females were
at my house when I left there tonight?
No. I can't say that I do.
Seven, my wife, her sister,
who's divorced.
And I don't blame the guy
for a second.
Their mother, who must be 110
if she's a day.
An aunt from
North Attleboro, Massachusetts.
And three more whose names
I didn't even catch.
To tell the truth, I...
I never really felt the loneliness
of being a widower
until the past few years.
At first, there were children,
you know, to keep me company.
But they're grown up now.
My son's married. Ella's engaged.
I must confess the house is beginning
to seem pretty big and empty.
I can imagine.
I suppose that's why I've done
so much travelling lately.
London, south of France,
Scotland and so on.
That's really no good, you know.
Oh, no, I know.
No good at all.
Couple of years ago,
I chartered a boat.
Not large, but quite comfortable.
Took about six months,
just loafing around the world.
But it was no use.
I suppose there's really only
one cure for loneliness.
- Yes?
- Human companionship.
Oh, but you're so right.
You just don't know how right you are.
I'm not accustomed really to going out
publicly with a married man.
And if I'd had a chance
to ask you at the party,
I don't know that I would have
accompanied you here.
Well, this is all quite innocent, isn't it?
If it is, it's the first time I ever
ran into it under similar circumstances.
Of course, my first impulse was
to go directly to Arabia myself
and take a good look-see
at the situation.
I was certain those chaps from Socony
Standard of New Jersey...
would have somebody on the spot.
After all, there's quite
a tidy little sum involved,
two or three hundred million.
- wasn't going to take any chances.
- Well, naturally.
Trouble is it looks like I've got a thing
for guys who work in gas stations.
I never met one yet
that didn't send me.
This one handled a pump
for Standard Oil.
You don't own that, do you?
Oh, no, no. Standard Oil
is one of the interests
of a man named,
I believe, Rockefeller.
Is he a friend of yours?
No, no, I'm afraid not.
Oh, well. But as I was saying...
When you live in
a lunatic asylum like that,
you've got to get out of town
every now and then.
- You know what I mean?
- Perfectly.
I've got that all fixed now.
I've got me a lodge up in Maine.
I love lodges.
- You do?
- Simply adore them.
You mean, uh,
you'd like to see mine?
Oh, well, I was speaking
more figuratively than relatively.
Because if you would,
I'm going up there Friday afternoon.
Simply adore'em!
If you wanna know
what kind of a guy I've got...
All I can say is
I'm a very happy woman.
Not only is Mr. Hanley a perfect doll,
but he's absolutely unaffiliated.
- You don't think he's a little old?
- Grow up, will you?
Men with that much dough
are never a little old.
Mine's loaded too,
but he's a real yawn.
- He doesn't look single to me either.
- He's not.
- What are you wasting time on him for?
- What else have I got?
Unless you'd like me to lose him
and join you and your friend.
You do, and I'll break your neck
in front of this restaurant.
- Besides, he's invited me to a party.
- Oh, yeah? When?
We're leaving
Friday afternoon.
- Leaving for where?
- His lodge in Maine.
- You out of your mind?
- don't think so. I like lodges.
You can't go.
It's a violation of the whole idea.
Why is it? could meet somebody
else up there, couldn't I?
Who are you going to
meet in Maine, Eskimos?
Did you see this fellow I'm with?
- saw him.
- What's he look like?
- Very nice for a one-eyed man.
- s that all he's got?
What do you think
he's got that patch on for?
I didn't know it was a patch. I thought
somebody might have belted him.
Why can't you keep those cheaters on
long enough to see who you're with?
I'm not going to
take a chance like that.
You know what they say
about girls who wear glasses.
Maybe somebody shot him
in the eye.
He sounds just wonderful. I was
curious to know what he looked like.
- Who is he?
- don't know that either.
But he hasn't mentioned anything
under a million dollars yet.
My guy's real class. Never mentions
his wealth, just refers to it.
All Mr. Brewster talks about
is what a horrible family he's got.
But I'll say this for him,
we haven't ordered anything yet
under five dollars a portion.
If there's anything leftover,
tell the waiter you want it for the dog.
We'd better be getting back
before they cool off.
Where's Maine, anyway?
I'll take that and that
and that and that.
And that and that.
And that and that
and that and that.
- And charge it.
- Certainly, Mrs. Hanley.
Next stop Arabia, sir.
- s he kidding?
- Not at all.
It's an old custom of the East
to make the stranger feel welcome.
You can tell him from me
I think he's simply a doll,
and I couldn't be crazier
about these old Eastern customs.
Hello, Fashion House?
ls Mr. Antoine in for Mr. Brookman?
Thank you.
Mr. Antoine?
On the phone.
- Tony? Hiya, boy.
- Yes?
- How are you?
- Fine, fine.
How are you fixed for stuff for Florida,
beach stuff and all that?
- You mean ultra?
- got an aunt I want to get stuff for.
- How old is she?
- About 25. A very young type aunt.
- 'm sure I could accommodate you.
- Could I see it on them?
- Today?
- That's right. That's the idea.
Tony, you know a model
named Schatze?
- Who?
- Schatze.
- Oh, Mrs. Page.
- That's the one.
- Oh, nice joint you got here, Tony.
- Thank you, sir.
- Please sit here.
- f you'll excuse me.
Your aunt,
is she blond or brunette?
It depends entirely
on the weather.
The way I'm going to handle it,
I'm not going to stall with Mr. Hanley.
What are you going to do,
mother him?
No, that's all right for kids,
but I don't think a mother
is exactly what Mr. Hanley
has in mind.
Our first we call
"Rainbow Over the Everglades."
It's a pastel plaid, silk organza
day dress with a voluminous skirt
for cocktail parties
and afternoon gatherings.
You know, of course,
that diamonds are a girl's best friend.
And this is our proof of it.
You're not really thinking of going
away with that chowderhead, are you?
Oh, for heaven's sake, no!
- You're on, Loke.
- Oh, goodness!
This one we call
"Looky,Looky,LookyP
It begins as
a spectator's sports dress.
- Well, get you.
- Hi.
Which converts into
a one-piece play costume
of Jersey
and checked-matching wool.
Our next we call
"Good Afternoon, Sweetheart."
This is an afternoon tea dress, which
plunges in the back rather than the front.
Made of imported printed sheer,
with parasol to match.
You like that, monsieur?
Comme ci, comme a.
That guy's really
the end of the line.
I still think he's kinda cute.
- Who is he?
- That garage man.
- What garage?
- That fella I got with the cold cuts.
"Trouble in the Afternoon." A beach
boy's shirt of pink and white gingham,
with a deep rose crushed cummerbund.
And a coolie hat of natural straw.
"Hard-Hearted Hannah"
is a Palm Beach stroller
consisting of
mustard crash pants
and a shirttail blouse
of grey and white silk.
Next we have
"Double Frozen Daiquiris."
A beach costume of sleek
blue pants of fine wool,
with a wrap around of Thai silk.
You will notice the Egyptian influence
in the bizarre raffia hat.
"South of the Border" is Mexican crepe
of black cotton twill,
a tamale-colored serape
and a peon straw hat.
Could I take another look
at that pink-and-blue job?
But of course, sir. Miss Schatze.
- Much obliged, Tony.
- Not at all, sir.
Did you see anything
I could put aside for you?
Nope. I don't see anything here
that I want. Thanks again, Tony.
All right, girls. Thank you.
- Mr. Antoine?
- Yes?
- know that guy. He's a screw pot.
- A screw pot?
- He's making a chump out of you.
- Miss Schatze.
- Yes?
- Do I tell you how to put on a girdle?
You bet your sweet life you don't.
Then, would you be good enough
not to tell me how to run my business?
Shh!
- Mr. Brewster?
- Yes.
I'll take these.
Aboard!
You're not the regular
driver, are you?
No, sir.
Pa's the regular driver.
But he went to a Republican rally last
night and didn't get up this morning.
It certainly is
a funny place for it.
Funny place for what?
A convention.
- What's this?
- The lodge, naturally.
This house?
It'll look better
when I get a fire going.
- But where are the others?
- Other what?
- Members.
- 'm sorry, Miss Dempsey.
I don't know what you're talking
about half the time. What members?
- You said it was a lodge, didn't you?
- did and it is.
Then, where are the members.
Like the Elks Lodge.
Mother and I went to an Elks Lodge
convention in Philadelphia,
and there were thousands
of members there.
It was one of the happiest
times of our life.
Is that what you really
thought this was?
Well, naturally.
What else?
- Where do you want these?
- Back in the car.
What's the matter?
Something wrong?
No, just going back
to New York, that's all.
Well, not today, you're not.
No more trains till tomorrow.
Oh, I may slit my throat.
- Would you like a fire?
- was about to...
That's all right.
I'll do it.
Never saw so much snow
in my life.
I'm sorry about all this.
If you'll just be patient,
I'll try to get you out of here
as soon as I possibly can.
I figured I might have to put on some
of those skis, but not in all this snow.
I'll tell you what. I have
some old Medford rum in the pantry.
I'll get a drink for you. And meanwhile,
maybe you'd like a little music.
Meanwhile, maybe I'd like
a little poison too.
You got radio
all the way up here?
Oh, sure.
Radio and houses, everything.
Here. Maybe you'd better
take the first one straight.
Just listen to that music, all the way
from New York. Good ol' Harry James.
Is it really?
How can you tell?
Oh, I can tell it's Harry James
because it is Harry James.
Ladies and gentlemen, you are listening
to the music of Ziggy Colombo,
coming to you from the...
- Turn that liar off.
Why don't you stop acting like
a spoiled brat and behave yourself?
I've never been mixed up
in a situation like this before.
As long as I'm in my right mind,
I never will again.
But it's not doing either of us any good
to stand here and jaw at each other.
I feel awful.
All tingly.
Well, I wish I did.
Drink it. Drink it.
Is this rum?
Medford Rum.
It's over 100 years old.
Then I'm sick. I've got a fever.
Call a doctor immediately.
- What are you talking about?
- 've got a fever, I tell you.
Whenever rum smells like a carnation,
I've got a fever.
We've got to get
a doctor right away.
- There's no reason to get hysterical.
- Don't you hit me!
I'm not going to hit you.
I want to feel your forehead.
- There's a thermometer outside the door.
- Get it! Get it!
Will you please call a doctor?
I know when I've got a fever.
You do feel
a little warm.
Are you going to call
a doctor or not?
I can't call a doctor. Everybody knows
me here. Don't you understand?
What am I supposed to do, die because
you got a big name around here?
- t's a little large, but...
- Ls there a hospital around here?
- Open your mouth.
- What's that?
- want to take your temperature.
- Not with that flute.
It's not a flute,
it's a thermometer. Look.
That's not for people,
it's for blizzards.
Open your mouth, I tell you.
And don't you try to talk
until I take that out.
If it was my daughter,
you know what I'd do?
Well, she's not your daughter.
She's not my daughter either,
if that's what you're driving at.
- How much is it?
- One hundred and two.
- s that bad?
- t's definitely a slight temperature.
Maybe you call it slight
in the city of New York,
but in Maine,
she oughta be in bed.
I'm gonna die. I know it.
I'm gonna die out here
in this jungle!
If you want, I'll call Ma.
She's a practical nurse.
- Oh, what good will that do?
- We can tell her the symptoms.
She'll give us the answers.
All right. But be very careful
what you tell her.
I'll tell her what you
tell me to tell her.
Hazel? Eben.
Ring Ma, will ya?
Brewster's Lodge.
Yeah, he's here with...
- Shh!
- His skis.
If it's mumps, I'll die.
Ma? Say, what's it a sign of
when a girl is shivering and shaking
and has a temperature of 102?
- Her eyes watering?
- Like two faucets.
They're watering.
Look at her tongue.
It looks kind of red.
Tongue's blotchy.
Look behind her ears.
Have you been
scratching yourself?
Of course not.
Models aren't allowed to scratch.
Breaking out behind the ears.
Uh-huh.
I see. Okay, thanks, Ma.
- You got nothing to worry about.
- What is it?
- Measles.
- Measles!
And I've got nothing
to worry about.
"Get her to bed," Ma says.
Keep her quiet and the room dark
so you can avoid complications.
She'll be as good as new
in a week or two.
Oh!
- Keep it.
- Much obliged.
Yes, sir.
- Hi, Mike.
- Well, for goodness sakes.
How are you, Mr. Denmark?
I thought you were in Europe.
I was. Come back here.
You're a friend of mine, aren't you?
- You bet your life, sir.
- Yeah, well,
I'm in a little jam with the income
tax department, and I need your help.
Anything you want, sir.
I've had a little trouble
with those people myself
from time to time.
- Who's got my apartment now?
- Three young ladies, sir.
- Business women, I believe.
- Yeah, well,
I gotta get in there for a few minutes.
Think you can arrange it?
You can get in there now, sir.
They're both out for the evening.
One of them's with a Texas fellow,
and the other's with the one-eyed man
- How about the other one?
- Oh, she's away at an Elks convention.
- You want me to wait here?
- Yeah, if you can.
If I get a buzz, I'll come back.
That's not them.
They never get in till 2:00 or 3:00.
- 'll be right back.
- Okay if I turn on the lights?
Sure.
Pola must have left the lights on.
- What will you have to drink?
- Milk, if you don't mind.
Milk?
Well, if we've got any.
Go to the kitchen, will you?
I'll be there in a minute.
Is that the best we've got?
Apparently, but it's all I want.
Schatze, you've made my visit
a very pleasant one.
I'd like to do something
to show my appreciation.
Oh, don't be silly, J.D.
Tell me something. Is this furniture
really out to be cleaned,
or is there
some other explanation?
You don't have to
worry about that.
Did you sell it or hock it?
Well, we sold it.
Will they sell it back?
And now, dear Schatze,
I'm afraid
we must say good-bye.
Good-bye? But I thought
you were staying until next week.
I was, but something has happened
that I would never have dreamed of.
And I think the wisest thing I can do
is to get out of here at once.
What do you mean?
Do you remember the first time I came
into this apartment with Loco?
Yes.
I came in here a subtle and aging widower,
with a pattern of my life all laid out
for the rest of my days.
- Really?
- That isn't the way I went out of here.
You didn't?
Tell me, do you believe
in love at first sight?
Oh, absolutely, J.D.
No question in the world about it.
Well, I don't.
Not at my age, anyway.
Stop talking about your age. You'd
think you were as old as Methuselah.
Don't you know you're right
in the very prime of life?
How old are you?
Forty.
Oh, Schatze, Schatze.
That's probably the sweetest lie
you've ever told.
Twenty-five would be
a little more like it, wouldn't it?
But look here, J.D. You don't want
to go jumping to conclusions, do you?
Look, it's no use, darling.
I'm 56 years old.
Thirty years older than you.
By your standards, anyway,
an old man.
- Oh, no.
- We might support this difference
for another
four to five years perhaps,
but what happens
when I'm truly old?
But listen, J.D.
I hate young men.
- Thank you very much.
- That's all right.
- Have you got to go already?
- 'm afraid so.
- Well, nighty-night.
- Good night.
I've always liked older men.
Look at Roosevelt.
Look at Churchill.
Look at that old fellow
what's-his-name in African Queen.
Absolutely crazy about him.
- So, you see, J.D...
- Pardon me.
- Hello. Come in.
- Hope I'm not intruding.
You're entitled to such
a hope, I believe.
Don't let her kid you, Pola.
I've got to be going, anyway.
- So early?
- Yes, I'm flying home tomorrow morning.
- Oh, no.
- 've got to.
Good-bye, my dear. It's been
a great pleasure knowing all you girls.
Good-bye, J.D.
Come back, will you?
I will. Someday, perhaps.
Good-bye.
What time
does your plane leave?
Don't you believe
anything I say at all?
I believe that nothing could have been
more wonderful for me than marrying you.
And nothing worse for you.
- Will you call me before you go?
- That's too early for you.
Very well.
Good night, darling.
What's the matter?
I oughta punch you
right smack in the nose.
- What did I do?
- Nothing.
Nothing but break up a play
at the two-yard line, that's all.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Schatze.
Really I am.
Little Miss Bubblehead
is terribly, terribly sorry, indeed.
I was just so anxious
to tell you the news.
- What news?
- We're going to be married.
- You and who?
- Me and Stewart.
You mean Blinky?
Yes. And if he doesn't have to
fly to London this weekend,
he's going to take me down
to meet his mother this Saturday.
- Down where?
- Atlantic City.
Oh. What did you say
this guy did?
Oil, darling.
Simply barrels of it.
- Says he, huh?
- But of course.
You ought to hear him
talk about it, really.
I think we oughta put
a check on that one.
Why? don't know
what you mean.
Nobody's mother lives
in Atlantic City on Saturday.
- Hello?
- Miss Page?
That's right, it's still no.
Oh! Oh!
Oh!
Now who on earth
ever thought of this?
- Thought of what?
- Skiing on snow.
What else would you ski on?
Why, the natural way,
like in Florida, on water.
Ski on water? Why you.
Oh, no!
Mrs. Salem!
Here she is now.
How are you feeling?
Never mind how I feel.
Where have you been?
- Sitting on the mountain.
- Who with?
Nobody.
- What's that?
- 'm going to give you a manicure.
- What was his name?
- Eben.
You gotta be careful. You don't want to
get mixed up with a fellow like that.
- Don't I?
- Never.
Who do you think I oughta
get mixed up with?
Well, I won't always
have measles, you know.
Say, you are getting better.
You just wait till
we get back to New York.
- don't dig you sometimes.
- What do you mean?
- s your wife a spook?
- Of course not.
She's a very wonderful woman
and a true credit to her sex.
- Oh, brother!
- mean it.
- Then, Why'd you flip like this?
- Pardon?
What set you off that night?
Oh! Well, for one thing,
you're a very beautiful young woman.
- know.
And for another,
I was a little upset that evening.
My daughter had just
run away and got married.
Well, for goodness sakes,
what's wrong with that?
What was wrong with that
was the fella's no good. He's a gigolo.
Oh, really? Maybe I know him.
What's his name?
- His name's Martinez.
- read about that.
He's a dancer.
"Hoofer Weds Heiress."
Well, she isn't one any more.
- What do you mean?
- disinherited her.
Disinherited her?
Well, there's one thing
I'll say for poor people,
they don't go around
disinheriting their children.
Obviously. They've got nothing
to disinherit them with.
Say that again.
Poor families don't have any money to
pass on from one generation to another.
It doesn't make
any difference.
My mother, no matter how much money
she didn't have, she wouldn't disinherit me.
Do you mind if we just
don't talk for a while?
Not at all.
I like not to talk.
This is what
I wanted you to see.
It's nice.
It's all mine from the crest
of that second ridge to the north there,
all the way around
as far as the eye can see to the west
and back around that way
to just beyond old Baldy.
- All yours?
- Yep.
You mean all those trees
and mountains and everything?
That's it.
Well, for crying out loud.
Isn't it beautiful?
Isn't that what they call "timber"?
Best in the world.
Well, what do you know
about that?
I think it's the most beautiful sight
in the whole world.
Well, I certainly
don't blame you.
Pure and as clean
and plenty of room.
Do you, uh, think
you could ever come to like it?
Well, I never thought
about it before,
but I imagine I could.
You should see it at night, with the
moon and the stars over that mountain.
Look, show me again
how much is yours.
Well, from the crest of
that second ridge to the north there,
all the way around
to the west.
It's all right this time.
One went to work,
one went to look at a bank and
the other one is still with the Elks.
If I remember correctly,
that's what you said the other night.
I know, but this time I'm positive.
[Phone Rings 1
Hello?
Oh, hello.
- Hello.
- Just a moment.
- She's not back yet.
- She isn't?
- You wanna wait?
- Uh, no thanks. I'd better be going.
- 'll tell her you were here.
- Thank you.
- Bye now.
- Bye.
Sorry, darling. Just one of Schatze's
friends just popped in to say hello.
- 'll tell you what I want you to do.
- Yes?
It seems that I've got to nip down
to Washington this evening for dinner
with a certain party
whose name I'll tell you later.
But that means I'll probably
have to stay there overnight.
So, I'm going to ask you to take
the plane down to Atlantic City alone,
and I'll be over from Washington
in time to meet you at the airport.
- s that all right?
- Of course it is, darling.
Then, here's a schedule
I suggest
There's a flight from Atlantic City
from La Guardia Airport at 5:00 P.M.
Fasten your seat belts, please.
May I take these, please?
Well, everything's okay.
Well, I'll be darned.
Pardon?
Haven't we met before?
For goodness sakes, you're that friend
of Schatze's. What happened to you?
- When?
- Yesterday.
I told Schatze you were coming back,
and she waited for you.
Uh, I got tied up.
- Your wife?
- Oh, I'm not married.
That's nice.
- Um, look.
- Yes?
Didn't you bring your glasses?
What glasses?
Don't you wear glasses?
Oh, no. Whatever gives you that idea?
You got the most peculiar
vision I ever saw.
- Why do you say that?
- You're reading that book upside down.
But I'm no such thing.
Not you, the book.
Oh.
Isn't it silly, though?
What is it, astigmatism?
- No, just blind as a bat.
- Me too.
Oh, really?
Then, why aren't you
wearing glasses?
I am wearing glasses.
Well, there you are.
I used to be like that. For years,
I went around banging into fireplugs
and shaking hands with lampposts because
I didn't want to be called four eyes.
And then, something happened which
cured me of that sort of thing forever.
What was that?
One evening, I said hello to three
different fellows I owed money to.
But it's different with girls,
don't you think?
How is it?
Well, you know what they say
about girls who wear glasses.
What are you talking about?
Men aren't attentive
to girls who wear glasses.
Did you ever try it?
No.
- You brought them with you, didn't you?
- Yes.
Then, why don't you put them on?
Find out for yourself.
With you?
Why not?
Well.
If you're worried about me, I'll tell
you right now before you put them on,
I already think
you're quite a strudel.
- Honestly?
- Absolutely.
I've thought so
from the first minute I saw you.
Well, if you really think so.
Go ahead.
Put them on.
- You're crazy.
- No?
- You look better with them on.
- do?
Gives your face a certain, uh, mystery.
No kidding.
And distinction.
A certain kind of distinction.
Well, what do you know
about that?
You're already a very good-looking girl,
if you don't mind my saying so.
- No, not at all.
- And the glasses.
That particular type gives your face
a very interesting,
uh, difference.
You don't think they make me
look like an old maid.
I've never seen anybody in my whole life
who reminded me less of an old maid.
What's your name?
So what happened was this.
I sent this check to this fellow,
this tax expert.
Instead of paying the tax, he cashed the
check and put the money in his pocket.
But why didn't you tell that
to the government?
Well, I did, but you know
how the government is.
Couldn't be more sympathetic,
but they still wanted the dough.
Even after you told them
that fellow was a crook?
What did that mean? As far as they
were concerned, the only crook was me.
I had to have some proof. That's why
I had to get back and get this check.
Well, how do you like that?
When I found out he'd gone
to Kansas City, I jumped on a plane.
He's either going to kick in with the
money, or I'm going to break his neck.
Is that where he is, Kansas City?
So I understand.
Why are you going
to Atlantic City?
Who's going
to Atlantic City?
Doesn't this plane
go to Atlantic City?
What are you talking about?
This is the Midland Sky Chief.
- Are you kidding?
- Of course not.
We should be in Kansas City
in about, uh, 20 minutes.
Why?
Oh, nothing.
Just one of those things.
Go on.
Tell me some more.
Tell me anything.
Does your family
live there with you?
Oh, no, they couldn't do that.
I see. You mean they have
a place of their own.
Oh, sure, over at Dexter Mills.
I saw a picture
in Harper's Bazaar once,
what they call
a mountain shack.
It was creamy.
Well, here we are.
- Here we are where?
- The shack. This is it.
Well, what do you mean?
This is a shack.
Well, of course.
What did I tell you?
It's very comfortable inside.
Come on.
Just a minute.
Is this really on the level?
- s what on the level?
- Well, is this really your home?
Well, it is when I'm on duty.
What did you expect?
Well, certainly not this.
I don't know what you mean, honey.
It's just a forestry lookout station.
But they're all pretty much alike.
But if you're so rich, why couldn't
you build yourself a bigger one?
- Like in Harper's Bazaar.
- Rich? Who's rich?
- Aren't you?
- Well, that's a good one.
Where on earth
did you get that idea?
But all these trees.
Didn't you say they were yours?
Well, mine to watch, sure.
That's part of my job.
I don't even own a bush.
Oh. But I thought...
Oh, darling, this is the worst.
What's the matter, sweetheart?
I don't get it.
I'm so crazy about you.
Well, that's wonderful.
I'm crazy about you too.
But I... Oh, honey.
Oh, I see.
What you mean is you're not interested
in a man without trees.
That's not it at all.
I'm crazy about you, but I...
Let's not talk about it.
Do you mind?
If only you'd told me.
I told you. I told you
the first day we went skiing.
I told you then
that's what I was, a ranger.
Is that what you meant?
What else could I have meant?
I'm sorry. I just thought
you meant you came from Texas.
What's the matter
with your dad this time?
He went to another
Republican rally.
Maybe he'd better
join the Democrats.
Not in Maine.
Too lonely.
Can we rent a car
in Portland?
I suppose so.
You mean we're going to
drive back to New York?
It'll probably be pretty expensive,
but I think it's the safest way
not to be seen by anybody.
When you got the measles,
I wouldn't have given ten cents
for my chances of getting
out of this jam without being caught.
- You know what I did?
- What?
I got on long distance with a few
friends around Chicago and St. Louis.
I had them keep sending telegrams
to my wife, signed with my name.
All about this unexpected
business trip I was on.
It worked like a charm.
That sounds very intelligent.
I don't like to boast, but if I hadn't
had that little stroke of brilliance,
there could have been a lot
of very serious results in my home.
And business too.
What are you going to do
to show you're grateful?
- What do you mean?
- Whenever a person pulls a rock
and skins out of it,
they oughta do something nice
for the injured party,
don't you think?
- For instance?
- Well, for one thing,
you ought to drop into Cartier's
tomorrow morning and get your wife
some sort of little bubble
for her wrist.
How about some nice flowers?
Is that all the grateful you are,
five dollars worth of geraniums?
Look, if I gave Mrs. Brewster
a piece of jewelry not on her birthday,
she'd have 25 private detectives
on my tail within 10 minutes.
Well, if you'll pardon my frankness,
I'd be ashamed to admit it.
- 'll send her a nice box of roses.
- She'll love that.
She's not used to
expensive gifts.
Anything more than flowers
would upset her terribly.
All right, then. How about doing
something nice for your daughter?
- What?
- Why don't you inherit her again?
I'm sorry, that's quite
out of the question.
But that wouldn't cost you
anything until you were dead.
I'd rather not discuss it
if you don't mind.
What's the matter with you, anyway?
Everybody loves their children.
Even monkeys. It's a well-known law
of Mother Nature.
Mother Nature never
had to deal with a gigolo.
And what else pray
were you trying to be?
The differences between the two
should be quite obvious, even to you.
And would you be so kindly
as to specify how?
If you don't mind, I don't think
I care to debate the question with you.
Once you get one foot on the ground,
you're really quite a jerk, aren't you?
Where are we now?
We'll be crossing
the George Washington Bridge...
George Washington Bridge?
What are we doing way over there?
On the customary routes,
I could be recognized a dozen times.
This side of the river
no one knows me.
It's just another example of the use
of intelligence in a situation like this.
If you've got intelligence,
you don't need luck.
If you've got that good old American
know-how, you don't need anything else.
Because the simple truth is
that when the chips are really down,
man is still the master
of his own fate.
The captain of his destiny.
- What is it?
- Motorcycle cops.
Are you sure
you're not on the lam?
It's all right.
Just keep moving.
I'm awfully sorry
if I'm going too fast.
You're all right.
Just follow me.
Good afternoon, sir.
This is George Washington Bridge Week.
And the city of New York extends
its heartiest congratulations
to the happy couple driving the 50
millionth car across our noble edifice.
- Hold it. This way, lady.
- Another smile, lady.
Hold it. Hold it.
I'm sorry I can't give you
any more, Mrs. Page, but, uh,
you know what the market
is these days.
- Gesundheit.
- Thank you again, Mrs. Page.
[Phone Rings 1
- Hello?
- Miss Page?
Oh, it's you again.
- Are you good for seconds?
- Oh, sure.
- Let's order them now.
- Two more, Mac. Well-done.
And slap a little chili on that one.
- You know what the trouble with you is?
- Which one?
Trouble with you is you're a hamburger
with onions dame and won't admit it.
I wonder how long it took you
to work that one out.
My guess is that I know you
better than you know yourself.
Ketchup.
Uh, coleslaw?
If I can get it on here.
I just don't believe that you're the
kind of girl you pretend to be at all.
I'll say this for you, that's
quite a line you've got there.
Here. Pickles?
Thanks.
It's all an act. You know as well
as I do that money isn't everything.
Who told you it wasn't?
Nobody had to.
Did you ever have any?
A little, yes.
Then, how do you know
it isn't everything?
Do you seriously believe having money
automatically brings you happiness?
Well, no, but it doesn't
automatically depress me either.
I don't believe you, Schatze.
Look, Tommy, I'm in a jam here
Don't you understand?
I'm in a very bad
financial situation.
If those kids don't come back,
I'm on the hook for a year's
rent for that apartment.
So, what do you think
I should do now,
fall in love with a character
who doesn't even own a necktie?
- Haven't they written to you?
- How can they? They're illiterate.
- Listen, honey...
- t's no use, Tommy boy.
Just as soon as I finish this horse
burger, I never want to see you again.
Hello?
How about taking a look
at Miss Liberty today?
Well.
If you were solvent, it would be
an entirely different matter.
But I had it with a grease monkey
like you, and that's all I want of that.
Okay, Miss Cafe Society, take a look out
there and give me a rest for a moment.
And the truth of the matter,
I don't care what you say,
is that if you're not loaded,
you've already got two strikes on you.
I already said okay. What else
do you want me to say about it?
As soon as we get off this barge,
I never want to see you again.
[Phone Rings 1
- Yes?
- Tonight?
No.
I mean it I tell you.
Just as soon as we get home,
I never want to see...
I'm sorry we can't give you
any more, Mrs. Page.
I already laughed at that one.
Well, anyway, thanks again.
May I come in?
May I change my mind?
Is this on the level?
From the bottom of my heart.
Then, hold it
for just one second.
Fred? Fred?
This is Mrs. Page.
Grab that furniture man and tell him
to bring that stuff right back up here.
Do you understand?
Don't even move.
Well?
Yes.
ls something wrong,
Mrs. Page?
I don't know.
I just feel so lonely.
- Your friends?
- Yeah.
Not one of those two dingbats
to stand up with me.
Well, there's still a good hope
they may come yet.
If they come now,
I'll throw them out on their necks.
- But I thought...
- wanted them yesterday.
What time have I got
to laugh at them now?
Well, for crying out loud, a party.
Wait a minute.
- There's Loco!
- Well, hi!
- What is it?
- Schatze's wedding. Didn't you know?
- Who to?
- Dallas, Texas.
Wow!
- Pardon me, but my name is Ding Dong.
- How do you do?
- Did you have much trouble?
- What do you mean, trouble?
He's absolutely insane
about me.
- No kidding.
- Out of his mind.
- Do you know how much he's worth?
- How much?
- Thirty mil.
- He's not.
Give or take a mil.
Oh, isn't
that wonderful?
Oh, and he's a doll.
A perfect doll.
- What a break.
- 'm not kidding. It's a dream marriage.
What about you?
Where have you been all this time?
Oh, I went back
to Maine.
What do you mean,
you went back to Maine?
Well, to tell you the truth,
I got married up there.
Not to that Shriner.
- Oh, no, he was already married.
- That's what I thought.
Who'd you marry?
Well, he's not anybody
in particular.
Just a fella
I met up there.
But I'm absolutely
crazy about him.
How do you like that?
Both of us at the same time.
What does he do?
- He's a ranger.
- Cattle, you mean?
No, he's a forest ranger.
Well, that's not bad. If you get enough
trees, they're really worth something.
- How'd you meet him?
- don't mean he owns them,
he just watches them.
You mean,
just looks at them?
He's got a house on top of a mountain.
They keep a lookout for fires
so all those trees
don't burn down.
How can he make any dough
out of that?
He doesn't, much.
You mean
he's a kind of fireman?
That's it.
- Thank you.
- Mr. Hanley?
- You have the license, I suppose.
- Yes, right here.
Wouldn't you
like to meet him?
Oh, sure.
Is he here?
I'll get him.
Hiya, Schatze.
Well, I'll be
a monkey's uncle.
Congratulations, honey. We read about it
on the plane. I think it's just creamy.
You know how much
he's got?
- How much?
- Fifty mil.
- Brother!
- Give or take a mil.
Have you been
shopping yet?
When they open the doors,
I fall in.
- What a break!
- Where have you been?
- Kansas City.
- For what?
That's where Freddie and I
got married.
- You mean you married that crowbar?
- Well, yes.
Honest to goodness, Pola,
you need a governess.
I could have pegged that guy as a phony
when I was eight years old.
Oh, not Stewart.
I married Freddie.
Freddie? Who he?
Well, it's a little mixed up. You see,
I got on his plane to Kansas City.
I thought you were going
to Atlantic City.
I was, but the first stop
for this plane was Kansas City.
Never mind. I don't want to
hear any more about it.
Just tell me one thing...
is he holding or not?
Well, yes and no.
Oh, no, no, no.
Not you too.
I mean, he'd be holding
if he could get his hands on it.
- Say that again.
- Well, he's on the lam.
- A thief?
- No, no, he's not a thief.
As a matter of fact,
he owns this apartment.
But he gave this guy a check
for his income tax...
Then, what's
he on the lam for?
Then, he went up to break this
guy's neck, but his glasses fell off.
- Whose glasses?
- Freddie's.
And the guy nearly
broke his neck.
You mean, he's blind too?
Blinder than me.
Here he is.
This is Schatze, darling.
Oh, congratulations,
Mrs. Page.
Thank you. Congratulations to you too.
She's okay.
- think so.
- And this is Pola.
- Glad to meet you.
- Holy Toledo!
- sn't he cute?
- Just a minute.
Two more pounds
and she could be arrested for bigamy.
Pardon me, Mrs. Page. Mr. Hanley would
like to know if there's a maid of honor.
- f he can find one.
- Can I be it?
Matron, I believe, is about
the best you can hope for.
- Shall I tell him?
- Take him.
- Come on, before Pola gets here.
- Bye.
Bye.
It's just Schatze.
Come on.
- Here he is.
- Hi, Mrs. Page.
- s that going to be permanent?
- No, it's just a brace.
He takes it off
at night.
Don't you worry.
I'm going to get even with him yet.
I just have to lay
a little low for a while.
We're going underground
right after the ceremony.
- You don't mind?
- Love it
Well, congratulations
to you too.
I think we'd better get started. Some
of the kids are beginning to foam over.
Okay, tell them to blow the whistle.
You're still sure?
Of course.
"Dearly beloved,
we are gathered together here..."
- Please.
- What's the matter, dear?
My ankle.
Can you take me back?
Why, yes. Of course.
You're just too nice a guy
to get married to someone
that doesn't love you all out.
Was that what it was?
What else?
I can think of
a number of reasons
why you should never have
considered me in the first place.
Have I hurt you
very bad?
You have.
But I'll recover.
You sound as though
as you already have.
No. No, that's just one of
the few advantages of age
Disappointments become
a normal part of life.
But what do you think
I should tell the guests?
Oh, just tell them Mrs. Page
has blown her stack at last.
No one will give you
an argument on it.
Wouldn't you like to talk it over
first with Loke and Pola?
- Those bubbleheads.
- Why do you say that?
Did you see what those
two goofballs turned up with?
Yeah, I saw
Loke's forest ranger.
A fireman for trees.
Seemed like
a very nice boy.
- Did you see what Pola brought back?
- No.
- A fugitive from justice.
- No.
And a blind one at that.
Young man?
As far as I could tell,
in back of that Halloween getup.
Well, they love them,
don't they?
Drooling,
all four of them.
And who is
your young man?
- What young man?
- The one you're in love with.
Who said I was in love
with a young man?
I did.
Well,
it's a sin and a shame,
but I guess I've got to admit it.
I am.
- Who is he?
- What does that matter?
Well, I don't think it's unnatural
that I should have some curiosity.
He's nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
A character straight
from Characterville.
- s that his name?
- Brookman.
- Brookman what?
- Tom Brookman.
You say he's non-holding?
One more hamburger
would break him.
What does he do?
He won't say, but that's nothing to me.
I already know.
- What?
- He's a gas pump jockey.
How do you know?
How do I know
how I know?
There's something about those guys
that I can spot every time I see them.
I married one once,
remember?
Does he
really love you?
To hear him tell it,
he does.
Well, what's to stop you
from marrying him?
Nothing now, but it's scarcely
what you'd call progress.
- He's here now, you know.
- Where?
- Out there.
- How do you know?
Well, there's a character out there
who looks like a gas pump jockey to me.
- Has he got on a tie?
- No, no tie.
And at a formal ceremony.
You see what I mean?
Well, you can certainly
say that again.
And after I told him
I never wanted to see him again, ever.
Who does he think he is, anyway?
Crashing my wedding.
Well, suppose I ask him?
Now just a minute, J.D.
Hiya, Tom.
Okay, I guess.
Congratulations.
- Congratulations to you.
- Don't be funny.
- Still the character, huh?
- Well, why not?
All she talks about is dough,
dough, dough. Nothing but dough.
So, if that's all she wants, you can
have her. I don't want any part of her.
That's the way she talks, of course,
but that's not the way she feels.
I'll bet.
What happened?
It was a delayed decision
in your favor.
- Are you kidding?
- Not in the least.
- Did you tell her about me?
- Of course not.
So far as she knows,
you're still hustling a gas pump.
I don't believe this.
- All right. Let's go ask her.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, J.D.
You think I ought to tell her now?
Are you crazy?
She obviously likes gas pump jockeys
better than millionaires.
What do you want to do,
disillusion the girl?
Mr. Brookman, darling.
- Well, you've got a crust.
- Just a minute.
- A big wedding and you with no necktie.
- Listen to me.
Everybody else here dressed up in
striped pants and you show up like a...
- Listen, Schatze!
- never want to see you again.
Hey, hey, hey, what about
a cheese dog burger this time, huh?
Following the ceremony, the party
adjourned to a fashionable greasy spoon,
where perfectly delicious
dog burgers were served.
What happened with those zillionaires
everybody was talking about?
Oh, what always happens
to rich zillionaires.
I've got nothing to worry about.
What did you tell me you were worth?
Oh, I should say
in the neighborhood of 14 dollars,
give or take a nickel.
- That's all cash too.
How about you, Killer?
How are you fixed?
To tell you the truth,
if I can get my hands on it...
You're fixed but good.
I can tell.
Wait a minute. I want to hear
from Mr. Fill'Er Up.
Just what you estimate
your fortune at?
Oh, about 200 million,
I should imagine.
Oh, that's not enough.
Might that all be in cash?
I could probably dig up
a couple million cash if I had to.
Oh, that's wonderful.
What might the rest be in, oil?
- Some oil.
- Uh-huh.
- Some airline stock.
- Good.
A little steel.
Some cattle down in Texas.
Couple of coal mines in Alabama.
Bit of real estate here and there.
Some automobile stocks.
The Brookman Building.
And, of course,
Brookman, Pennsylvania.
A whole city he owns yet. Wouldn't
you know that would happen to me?
Give me the check, Mac.
Keep the change, Mac.
Gentlemen,
to our wives.
English - US - SDH
You high and mighty, bright and shiny
fabulous place, New York
New York, New York
You busy, dizzy, razzle-dazzle
scandalous place, New York
Guys with easy money
tryin' to blow it
Dolls with hidden talent
dyin' to show it
Take off for Broadway
by taxi, by subway
And land on the town
A merry-go-round
New York, New York
Where millionaires and Cinderellas
rendezvous at the Stork
In Central Park romantic babies
and their fellas rendezvous in the dark
Crazy city with its hat
on the steeple
Noisy city with
its millions of people
Doorway to glory
and fortune and fame
You'll never get your fill of it
never forget the thrill of it
Glorious, glamorous
wonderland
New York
Oh, is Mr. Benton here yet,
the agent for the apartments?
Oh, yes. He's in there
waiting for you now.
Thank you.
Oh, good morning, Mrs. Page.
I do hope I haven't
kept you waiting too long.
Not in the least. I'm afraid I have
a little disappointment for you, though.
You won't be able to meet Mr. Denmark.
He flew to Europe this morning.
Oh, dear, I am disappointed.
Wasn't that awfully sudden?
Oh very. You know how those income tax
people are when you skip a whole year.
And the result, of course, is that
a longer lease is now possible.
Open, if you don't mind.
Hmm? Oh, oh, certainly.
Certainly.
How long a lease? Not that it matters
if he's to insist on a thousand a month.
That's what I wanted to
see him about, personally.
Oh, he won't be needing
the place for years now.
I hear Mr. Whiskers really
blew his top this time.
You mean he can't come back
to this country?
It would be I understand
the very height of folly.
Oh, I see. Well, it throws
an entirely different light.
Where's that lease?
Well, I'm afraid
I haven't got it with me.
Oh, never mind.
You can mail it to me.
This is for two months,
the first and the last.
- That's the deal, isn't it?
- That's correct.
How soon would you like
to take possession?
Oh, anything wrong
with right now?
Nothing at all. It's a little unusual,
of course, but, uh...
Thank you so much, Mr. Benton.
You've been awfully kind.
Oh, thank you, Mrs. Page.
It's a genuine pleasure to do business
with a woman of such decision.
- We in the real estate game...
- Bye now.
Oh, yes, of course. Well.
Oh, I almost forgot.
How long shall I make the lease for?
Oh, a year will be quite enough.
Thank you.
But don't you think
you oughta have it...
- Yes?
- Bingo.
I'll be right over.
- To the left.
- Thanks.
All right, put'em on.
No men here yet.
You certainly got here in a hurry.
Did you take a taxi?
No, I didn't have
enough money for a taxi
I had the Chrysler people demonstrate
that new showboat for me again.
- The one with the gold trim?
- Was it gold?
I didn't want to put on my specs
with the driver there, you know.
The one they sent for me
had gold trim.
Brother!
Smooth, huh?
Creamy. Are we really in?
- Built in.
- 'll call Loco.
Loco who?
You know, that girl
I was telling you about from Jersey.
You didn't tell me
her name was "Loco."
It isn't. That's what the other models
call her. It means crazy, you know?
That's what I know.
- Hello?
- Bingo!
- Hold that for a minute.
- Just a minute, Loke.
I can't shack up with a dame I haven't
even met, and she's crazy too.
You don't have to. All I'm going to
ask her is to come up here.
If you don't like her,
that's the end of it.
- s she class?
- s she. Didn't I tell you?
She's been on the cover of
Harper's Bazaar three times already.
And she knows
how to handle it?
- Well, let's see if she does. Loke?
- Yes?
- How much money you got?
- 've got a quarter.
That's wonderful. Stop in on your way
up here and pick up lunch for us.
- How many?
- Three.
Okay. Just as soon
as I get something on.
There's a fine contribution to a million
dollar proposition, one whole quarter.
Maybe, but she's awful
clever with a quarter.
I just don't know how I'll ever
be able to thank you enough.
I'm still so embarrassed.
You have no reason to be. Anybody can
forget their money. I've done it myself.
I know, but...
Oh, hi, honey.
- Come on in.
- Come in.
This is a gentleman I met
at the cold cuts counter.
- What did you say your name was?
- Tom Brookman.
B- R-O-O-K-M-A-N.
Brookman.
Well, this is my friend,
Miss Pola Debevoise.
- How do you do?
- Oh, and this is Miss Page, isn't it?
- Mrs. Page.
- How do you do? t was very funny.
I was ordering some pastrami
and potato salad,
and I heard Miss Dempsey explaining
she only had a quarter...
You can just set that down.
We'll take it from here.
Oh, wouldn't you like me
to put them in the kitchen?
No, I don't think you'd better.
The cook's not dressed.
- Oh, really?
- Thank you very much.
Some other day.
Give us a ring next week.
- don't know your number.
- That's all right. It's in the book.
Thank you very much,
Mr. Brookman.
- But I don't know your first name.
- He was really very nice.
I thought he might
have lunch with us.
Look, the first rule of this proposition
is that gentleman callers
have got to wear a necktie.
I don't want to be snobbish,
but if we begin with characters like that,
we might just as well
throw in the towel right now
Thanks, Mick.
Keep the change.
- How do, Mr. Brookman?
- Hiya, Pete.
The next thing to remember is
a gentleman you meet among cold cuts
is simply not as attractive
as one that you meet,
say in the mink department
at Bergdorf's.
But he was cute,
don't you think?
Sure he was, but then I never met one
of those gas pump jockeys that wasn't.
- s that what he is?
- You bet your life.
I know those guys. I married one once.
Very very cute fellow.
- didn't know you were really married.
- Just got back from Reno.
Oh, then you must be loaded.
Mine was one of those divorces you don't
read about. The wife finished second.
But that's against the law, isn't it?
I was absolutely nuts about that guy,
and you know what he did to me?
First off, he gives me
a phony name.
Second, it turns out
he was already married yet.
Third, from the minute
the preacher said, "Amen,"
he never did
another tap of work.
The next thing I knew he'd stolen my
television set and given it to a carhop.
When I ask him how about that,
he hits me with a chicken.
- A live chicken?
- No, a baked chicken, stuffed.
He sounds incompatible to me.
Last I saw of him, I stepped out of
the car for a minute at a gas station.
I had to walk home.
Well, I'm surprised
you'd ever want to get married again.
Oh, but that's the point
about this whole setup.
Of course I want to
get married again.
Who doesn't?
It's the biggest thing
you can do in life.
The way most people go about it,
they use more brains
picking a horse in the third at Belmont
than they do picking a husband.
- Do they really?
- t's your head you've got to use,
not your heart.
- Oh, I see.
Tell her your idea
about this apartment.
Well, to put it simply,
the idea is this.
If you had your choice
of everybody in the world,
which would you rather marry,
a rich guy or a poor one?
I think I'd rather marry a rich one.
All right. Where would you
be most likely to meet a rich one,
in a walk-up on Amsterdam Avenue
or in a joint like this?
Well...
I should say in a joint like this.
Okay, then, that's it.
We're all working steady,
so we throw everything
we make into the kitty,
and get a little organization
into this marriage caper.
Class address, class background,
class characters.
To be specific about it,
nothing under six figures a year.
I've never heard anything
so intelligent in my life.
If you want to catch a mouse,
you set a mousetrap.
So, all right,
we set a bear trap.
All we've got to do is one of us
has got to knock off a bear.
- You mean marry him?
- f you don't marry him,
you haven't caught him,
he's caught you.
All my life, ever since I was a little
girl, I've had the same dream,
to marry a zillionaire.
Do you know who I'd like to marry?
- Who?
- Rockefeller.
- Which one?
- don't care.
I wouldn't mind marrying
a Vanderbilt.
Or a Mr. Cadillac.
No such person. I checked.
Is there a Mr. Texaco?
No. But how about one
of those rich maharajas?
How about three of them?
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we had three
of them for dinner and they married us?
Think of all those
diamonds and rubies.
And all those crazy elephants.
This is really living it up, isn't it?
People that live any other way
are just crazy.
I wonder who's going to pay for it.
- Yeah, how about that?
- Well, I'll tell you.
I knew it couldn't last.
Relax, will you? And somebody
break open that other bottle.
Good afternoon. I'm Mr. Bennett
of the Bennett Music Company.
- Are you the lady...
- That's right. Come right in.
Thank you.
The reason I called you is,
what will you give me
for this piano, cash?
Well,
it's a very handsome instrument.
Really, Pola, I think she's the most
intelligent person I guess I ever met.
Well, it's not in first-class condition,
you understand,
but, uh, we might be interested
in paying you, say 2,500?
We'll take it.
Well, kids,
where will we eat tonight,
the Stork or 21?
Hello?
Is this Trafalgar 7-5098?
- Yes?
- Who's this, Miss Page?
- Yes, who is this?
- This is Tom Brookman.
- Oh.
- You remember me.
- Oh, sure, but...
- Well, I kept thinking about you,
but I didn't realize who you were till I
picked up an old magazine this morning.
- What do you mean?
- You were Miss Steinbach Beer last year.
Why, yes, I believe I was.
And isn't that you jumping around in
a girdle in all those ads in magazines?
I wouldn't exactly call it "jumping around."
I'm supposed to be dancing.
Reason I called, I was wondering if you
wouldn't have dinner with me some night.
Whatever night you say.
What about tonight?
- 'm afraid I can't tonight.
- Tomorrow night?
- 'm sorry.
- What about Thursday night?
Mr. Brookman, you're wasting your time
on this number. Don't call it again.
Hey, kid!
- Pola?
- Yes?
Do you think we'll ever be able
to get this job off the ground?
- What do you mean?
- Here we are nearly three months,
and we can't even get ourselves
engaged, much less married.
- could have got engaged last week.
- To?
- That English fellow.
- What English fellow?
You know, that tall one that
borrowed five dollars from me.
That's what I mean. Here we are
set up strictly for the carriage train,
and what do we get, you hook a schnook
who takes you for a fin,
I get an invitation
to Hamburger Heaven for dinner,
and Loco shows up every evening with
a gentleman she's met in the drugstore,
with five more shower caps
and three quarts of aspirin tablets.
And where do you think
that's gonna get us?
I don't think it's us.
I think it's the men these days.
They're getting more and more nervous,
especially the loaded ones.
Meanwhile, where are
we gonna sit next week?
Well, we're both trying, you know.
It isn't always easy
to find out right away
how much they're worth
or if they're married or not.
They look at you like you're
prying into their private affairs.
Something's got to break soon,
or we're gonna be out on the sidewalk.
And all we need, you know,
is just one.
That's the beautiful thing
about a bear trap.
You don't have to catch
a whole herd of them,
all you need is
one nice, big, fat one.
Probably Miss Perth Amboy again
with another load of dollar-day Kleenex.
Thanks.
- Oh, hello, Schatze.
- Hello.
This is... I'm sorry.
What did you say your name was?
- Hanley. J.D. Hanley.
- Of course.
This is Schatze Page,
and this is Pola Debevoise.
- How do you do?
- How do you do, ladies?
I met Mr. Hanley
in the mink department at Bergdorf's.
- Really?
- Yes, the clerk was nice enough to...
You'll have to excuse
the state of this apartment.
We've just sent everything out
to be cleaned.
But if you don't mind
coming into the dining room.
Oh, of course not.
And with the maid off today,
we're roughing it, you might say.
- Won't you sit down?
- Oh, thank you very much, but I can't stay.
I just came along to help
Miss Dempsey with her bundle.
Mr. Hanley's from Dallas, Texas.
Oh, really?
In the oil business?
Oh, a little oil, but mostly stock.
- Stocks and bonds?
- No, none of that sort of thing for me.
My stock is
white-faced Hereford, polled.
- Come again?
- Cattle.
- You know, like cows.
- Oh, I see.
Are you sure you won't sit down
for just a little while?
Oh, I haven't time right now. But what
I was talking to Miss Dempsey about,
there's a little organization that
I'm a member of, the Oil Institute.
Kind of elder statesmen
of the business.
We're having a little informal
reception tonight.
If you young ladies would
honor us with your presence,
I'm sure you'd make us
all very happy, indeed.
Do you mean
nothing but oil men?
Well, not exactly.
Probably a few bankers too.
Well, bankers will be all right.
- Don't you think?
- Naturally.
I realize this is a little sudden
and unconventional,
but there will be dancing and
a few drinks and a few laughs perhaps.
- Sounds just creamy to me.
- like laughs.
- Well, then it's a deal?
- 'd love it.
That's wonderful. I'll pick you up
around 8:30, if that's all right.
Will we meet some of
the other gentlemen too?
Oh, all of them. And don't worry,
they're not all old crooks like me.
- What on earth!
- Stop it!
You look just in the prime to me.
Thank you, ladies. You've already
made my trip to New York worthwhile.
Bye now.
I think this is it, kids.
A great big room full of nothing
but rich millionaires
and us.
This brings us down to 1947.
I think it's a very good idea.
Where should we go?
Well, there's a new place...
Good evening, madame.
Good evening, sir.
- Table for two.
- Certainly, sir.
This way, madame.
- Champagne?
- We might as well.
Oh, a table for two, Philip.
Certainly, madame.
Will you come this way?
- The best, you know.
- Certainly, sir.
The best we have, sir.
- A quart of champagne.
- What kind, sir?
- The best you've got.
- Very good, sir.
- Good evening.
- Good evening. Two, please.
This way, please.
- This way, my dear.
- 'm so sorry.
Oh, I am sorry.
Did you say
you were alone here?
Oh, there's quite a party
of us up from Texas.
- All men?
- Oh, some wives too.
You met some of them this evening.
The others went to a show.
You know how the women are
when they get to New York.
I know.
I think Ella has seen five shows
in the last three days.
- see.
- Ella's my daughter.
- Oh, really?
- Mm.
Is Mrs. Merrill here with you?
There is no Mrs. Merrill,
and I live in New York.
Does that clear the situation
a bit for you?
Oh, yes, indeedy,
it does.
Are you married?
Married? sometimes think
I'm the most married man in the U.S.A.
Do you know how many females were
at my house when I left there tonight?
No. I can't say that I do.
Seven, my wife, her sister,
who's divorced.
And I don't blame the guy
for a second.
Their mother, who must be 110
if she's a day.
An aunt from
North Attleboro, Massachusetts.
And three more whose names
I didn't even catch.
To tell the truth, I...
I never really felt the loneliness
of being a widower
until the past few years.
At first, there were children,
you know, to keep me company.
But they're grown up now.
My son's married. Ella's engaged.
I must confess the house is beginning
to seem pretty big and empty.
I can imagine.
I suppose that's why I've done
so much travelling lately.
London, south of France,
Scotland and so on.
That's really no good, you know.
Oh, no, I know.
No good at all.
Couple of years ago,
I chartered a boat.
Not large, but quite comfortable.
Took about six months,
just loafing around the world.
But it was no use.
I suppose there's really only
one cure for loneliness.
- Yes?
- Human companionship.
Oh, but you're so right.
You just don't know how right you are.
I'm not accustomed really to going out
publicly with a married man.
And if I'd had a chance
to ask you at the party,
I don't know that I would have
accompanied you here.
Well, this is all quite innocent, isn't it?
If it is, it's the first time I ever
ran into it under similar circumstances.
Of course, my first impulse was
to go directly to Arabia myself
and take a good look-see
at the situation.
I was certain those chaps from Socony
Standard of New Jersey...
would have somebody on the spot.
After all, there's quite
a tidy little sum involved,
two or three hundred million.
- wasn't going to take any chances.
- Well, naturally.
Trouble is it looks like I've got a thing
for guys who work in gas stations.
I never met one yet
that didn't send me.
This one handled a pump
for Standard Oil.
You don't own that, do you?
Oh, no, no. Standard Oil
is one of the interests
of a man named,
I believe, Rockefeller.
Is he a friend of yours?
No, no, I'm afraid not.
Oh, well. But as I was saying...
When you live in
a lunatic asylum like that,
you've got to get out of town
every now and then.
- You know what I mean?
- Perfectly.
I've got that all fixed now.
I've got me a lodge up in Maine.
I love lodges.
- You do?
- Simply adore them.
You mean, uh,
you'd like to see mine?
Oh, well, I was speaking
more figuratively than relatively.
Because if you would,
I'm going up there Friday afternoon.
Simply adore'em!
If you wanna know
what kind of a guy I've got...
All I can say is
I'm a very happy woman.
Not only is Mr. Hanley a perfect doll,
but he's absolutely unaffiliated.
- You don't think he's a little old?
- Grow up, will you?
Men with that much dough
are never a little old.
Mine's loaded too,
but he's a real yawn.
- He doesn't look single to me either.
- He's not.
- What are you wasting time on him for?
- What else have I got?
Unless you'd like me to lose him
and join you and your friend.
You do, and I'll break your neck
in front of this restaurant.
- Besides, he's invited me to a party.
- Oh, yeah? When?
We're leaving
Friday afternoon.
- Leaving for where?
- His lodge in Maine.
- You out of your mind?
- don't think so. I like lodges.
You can't go.
It's a violation of the whole idea.
Why is it? could meet somebody
else up there, couldn't I?
Who are you going to
meet in Maine, Eskimos?
Did you see this fellow I'm with?
- saw him.
- What's he look like?
- Very nice for a one-eyed man.
- s that all he's got?
What do you think
he's got that patch on for?
I didn't know it was a patch. I thought
somebody might have belted him.
Why can't you keep those cheaters on
long enough to see who you're with?
I'm not going to
take a chance like that.
You know what they say
about girls who wear glasses.
Maybe somebody shot him
in the eye.
He sounds just wonderful. I was
curious to know what he looked like.
- Who is he?
- don't know that either.
But he hasn't mentioned anything
under a million dollars yet.
My guy's real class. Never mentions
his wealth, just refers to it.
All Mr. Brewster talks about
is what a horrible family he's got.
But I'll say this for him,
we haven't ordered anything yet
under five dollars a portion.
If there's anything leftover,
tell the waiter you want it for the dog.
We'd better be getting back
before they cool off.
Where's Maine, anyway?
I'll take that and that
and that and that.
And that and that.
And that and that
and that and that.
- And charge it.
- Certainly, Mrs. Hanley.
Next stop Arabia, sir.
- s he kidding?
- Not at all.
It's an old custom of the East
to make the stranger feel welcome.
You can tell him from me
I think he's simply a doll,
and I couldn't be crazier
about these old Eastern customs.
Hello, Fashion House?
ls Mr. Antoine in for Mr. Brookman?
Thank you.
Mr. Antoine?
On the phone.
- Tony? Hiya, boy.
- Yes?
- How are you?
- Fine, fine.
How are you fixed for stuff for Florida,
beach stuff and all that?
- You mean ultra?
- got an aunt I want to get stuff for.
- How old is she?
- About 25. A very young type aunt.
- 'm sure I could accommodate you.
- Could I see it on them?
- Today?
- That's right. That's the idea.
Tony, you know a model
named Schatze?
- Who?
- Schatze.
- Oh, Mrs. Page.
- That's the one.
- Oh, nice joint you got here, Tony.
- Thank you, sir.
- Please sit here.
- f you'll excuse me.
Your aunt,
is she blond or brunette?
It depends entirely
on the weather.
The way I'm going to handle it,
I'm not going to stall with Mr. Hanley.
What are you going to do,
mother him?
No, that's all right for kids,
but I don't think a mother
is exactly what Mr. Hanley
has in mind.
Our first we call
"Rainbow Over the Everglades."
It's a pastel plaid, silk organza
day dress with a voluminous skirt
for cocktail parties
and afternoon gatherings.
You know, of course,
that diamonds are a girl's best friend.
And this is our proof of it.
You're not really thinking of going
away with that chowderhead, are you?
Oh, for heaven's sake, no!
- You're on, Loke.
- Oh, goodness!
This one we call
"Looky,Looky,LookyP
It begins as
a spectator's sports dress.
- Well, get you.
- Hi.
Which converts into
a one-piece play costume
of Jersey
and checked-matching wool.
Our next we call
"Good Afternoon, Sweetheart."
This is an afternoon tea dress, which
plunges in the back rather than the front.
Made of imported printed sheer,
with parasol to match.
You like that, monsieur?
Comme ci, comme a.
That guy's really
the end of the line.
I still think he's kinda cute.
- Who is he?
- That garage man.
- What garage?
- That fella I got with the cold cuts.
"Trouble in the Afternoon." A beach
boy's shirt of pink and white gingham,
with a deep rose crushed cummerbund.
And a coolie hat of natural straw.
"Hard-Hearted Hannah"
is a Palm Beach stroller
consisting of
mustard crash pants
and a shirttail blouse
of grey and white silk.
Next we have
"Double Frozen Daiquiris."
A beach costume of sleek
blue pants of fine wool,
with a wrap around of Thai silk.
You will notice the Egyptian influence
in the bizarre raffia hat.
"South of the Border" is Mexican crepe
of black cotton twill,
a tamale-colored serape
and a peon straw hat.
Could I take another look
at that pink-and-blue job?
But of course, sir. Miss Schatze.
- Much obliged, Tony.
- Not at all, sir.
Did you see anything
I could put aside for you?
Nope. I don't see anything here
that I want. Thanks again, Tony.
All right, girls. Thank you.
- Mr. Antoine?
- Yes?
- know that guy. He's a screw pot.
- A screw pot?
- He's making a chump out of you.
- Miss Schatze.
- Yes?
- Do I tell you how to put on a girdle?
You bet your sweet life you don't.
Then, would you be good enough
not to tell me how to run my business?
Shh!
- Mr. Brewster?
- Yes.
I'll take these.
Aboard!
You're not the regular
driver, are you?
No, sir.
Pa's the regular driver.
But he went to a Republican rally last
night and didn't get up this morning.
It certainly is
a funny place for it.
Funny place for what?
A convention.
- What's this?
- The lodge, naturally.
This house?
It'll look better
when I get a fire going.
- But where are the others?
- Other what?
- Members.
- 'm sorry, Miss Dempsey.
I don't know what you're talking
about half the time. What members?
- You said it was a lodge, didn't you?
- did and it is.
Then, where are the members.
Like the Elks Lodge.
Mother and I went to an Elks Lodge
convention in Philadelphia,
and there were thousands
of members there.
It was one of the happiest
times of our life.
Is that what you really
thought this was?
Well, naturally.
What else?
- Where do you want these?
- Back in the car.
What's the matter?
Something wrong?
No, just going back
to New York, that's all.
Well, not today, you're not.
No more trains till tomorrow.
Oh, I may slit my throat.
- Would you like a fire?
- was about to...
That's all right.
I'll do it.
Never saw so much snow
in my life.
I'm sorry about all this.
If you'll just be patient,
I'll try to get you out of here
as soon as I possibly can.
I figured I might have to put on some
of those skis, but not in all this snow.
I'll tell you what. I have
some old Medford rum in the pantry.
I'll get a drink for you. And meanwhile,
maybe you'd like a little music.
Meanwhile, maybe I'd like
a little poison too.
You got radio
all the way up here?
Oh, sure.
Radio and houses, everything.
Here. Maybe you'd better
take the first one straight.
Just listen to that music, all the way
from New York. Good ol' Harry James.
Is it really?
How can you tell?
Oh, I can tell it's Harry James
because it is Harry James.
Ladies and gentlemen, you are listening
to the music of Ziggy Colombo,
coming to you from the...
- Turn that liar off.
Why don't you stop acting like
a spoiled brat and behave yourself?
I've never been mixed up
in a situation like this before.
As long as I'm in my right mind,
I never will again.
But it's not doing either of us any good
to stand here and jaw at each other.
I feel awful.
All tingly.
Well, I wish I did.
Drink it. Drink it.
Is this rum?
Medford Rum.
It's over 100 years old.
Then I'm sick. I've got a fever.
Call a doctor immediately.
- What are you talking about?
- 've got a fever, I tell you.
Whenever rum smells like a carnation,
I've got a fever.
We've got to get
a doctor right away.
- There's no reason to get hysterical.
- Don't you hit me!
I'm not going to hit you.
I want to feel your forehead.
- There's a thermometer outside the door.
- Get it! Get it!
Will you please call a doctor?
I know when I've got a fever.
You do feel
a little warm.
Are you going to call
a doctor or not?
I can't call a doctor. Everybody knows
me here. Don't you understand?
What am I supposed to do, die because
you got a big name around here?
- t's a little large, but...
- Ls there a hospital around here?
- Open your mouth.
- What's that?
- want to take your temperature.
- Not with that flute.
It's not a flute,
it's a thermometer. Look.
That's not for people,
it's for blizzards.
Open your mouth, I tell you.
And don't you try to talk
until I take that out.
If it was my daughter,
you know what I'd do?
Well, she's not your daughter.
She's not my daughter either,
if that's what you're driving at.
- How much is it?
- One hundred and two.
- s that bad?
- t's definitely a slight temperature.
Maybe you call it slight
in the city of New York,
but in Maine,
she oughta be in bed.
I'm gonna die. I know it.
I'm gonna die out here
in this jungle!
If you want, I'll call Ma.
She's a practical nurse.
- Oh, what good will that do?
- We can tell her the symptoms.
She'll give us the answers.
All right. But be very careful
what you tell her.
I'll tell her what you
tell me to tell her.
Hazel? Eben.
Ring Ma, will ya?
Brewster's Lodge.
Yeah, he's here with...
- Shh!
- His skis.
If it's mumps, I'll die.
Ma? Say, what's it a sign of
when a girl is shivering and shaking
and has a temperature of 102?
- Her eyes watering?
- Like two faucets.
They're watering.
Look at her tongue.
It looks kind of red.
Tongue's blotchy.
Look behind her ears.
Have you been
scratching yourself?
Of course not.
Models aren't allowed to scratch.
Breaking out behind the ears.
Uh-huh.
I see. Okay, thanks, Ma.
- You got nothing to worry about.
- What is it?
- Measles.
- Measles!
And I've got nothing
to worry about.
"Get her to bed," Ma says.
Keep her quiet and the room dark
so you can avoid complications.
She'll be as good as new
in a week or two.
Oh!
- Keep it.
- Much obliged.
Yes, sir.
- Hi, Mike.
- Well, for goodness sakes.
How are you, Mr. Denmark?
I thought you were in Europe.
I was. Come back here.
You're a friend of mine, aren't you?
- You bet your life, sir.
- Yeah, well,
I'm in a little jam with the income
tax department, and I need your help.
Anything you want, sir.
I've had a little trouble
with those people myself
from time to time.
- Who's got my apartment now?
- Three young ladies, sir.
- Business women, I believe.
- Yeah, well,
I gotta get in there for a few minutes.
Think you can arrange it?
You can get in there now, sir.
They're both out for the evening.
One of them's with a Texas fellow,
and the other's with the one-eyed man
- How about the other one?
- Oh, she's away at an Elks convention.
- You want me to wait here?
- Yeah, if you can.
If I get a buzz, I'll come back.
That's not them.
They never get in till 2:00 or 3:00.
- 'll be right back.
- Okay if I turn on the lights?
Sure.
Pola must have left the lights on.
- What will you have to drink?
- Milk, if you don't mind.
Milk?
Well, if we've got any.
Go to the kitchen, will you?
I'll be there in a minute.
Is that the best we've got?
Apparently, but it's all I want.
Schatze, you've made my visit
a very pleasant one.
I'd like to do something
to show my appreciation.
Oh, don't be silly, J.D.
Tell me something. Is this furniture
really out to be cleaned,
or is there
some other explanation?
You don't have to
worry about that.
Did you sell it or hock it?
Well, we sold it.
Will they sell it back?
And now, dear Schatze,
I'm afraid
we must say good-bye.
Good-bye? But I thought
you were staying until next week.
I was, but something has happened
that I would never have dreamed of.
And I think the wisest thing I can do
is to get out of here at once.
What do you mean?
Do you remember the first time I came
into this apartment with Loco?
Yes.
I came in here a subtle and aging widower,
with a pattern of my life all laid out
for the rest of my days.
- Really?
- That isn't the way I went out of here.
You didn't?
Tell me, do you believe
in love at first sight?
Oh, absolutely, J.D.
No question in the world about it.
Well, I don't.
Not at my age, anyway.
Stop talking about your age. You'd
think you were as old as Methuselah.
Don't you know you're right
in the very prime of life?
How old are you?
Forty.
Oh, Schatze, Schatze.
That's probably the sweetest lie
you've ever told.
Twenty-five would be
a little more like it, wouldn't it?
But look here, J.D. You don't want
to go jumping to conclusions, do you?
Look, it's no use, darling.
I'm 56 years old.
Thirty years older than you.
By your standards, anyway,
an old man.
- Oh, no.
- We might support this difference
for another
four to five years perhaps,
but what happens
when I'm truly old?
But listen, J.D.
I hate young men.
- Thank you very much.
- That's all right.
- Have you got to go already?
- 'm afraid so.
- Well, nighty-night.
- Good night.
I've always liked older men.
Look at Roosevelt.
Look at Churchill.
Look at that old fellow
what's-his-name in African Queen.
Absolutely crazy about him.
- So, you see, J.D...
- Pardon me.
- Hello. Come in.
- Hope I'm not intruding.
You're entitled to such
a hope, I believe.
Don't let her kid you, Pola.
I've got to be going, anyway.
- So early?
- Yes, I'm flying home tomorrow morning.
- Oh, no.
- 've got to.
Good-bye, my dear. It's been
a great pleasure knowing all you girls.
Good-bye, J.D.
Come back, will you?
I will. Someday, perhaps.
Good-bye.
What time
does your plane leave?
Don't you believe
anything I say at all?
I believe that nothing could have been
more wonderful for me than marrying you.
And nothing worse for you.
- Will you call me before you go?
- That's too early for you.
Very well.
Good night, darling.
What's the matter?
I oughta punch you
right smack in the nose.
- What did I do?
- Nothing.
Nothing but break up a play
at the two-yard line, that's all.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Schatze.
Really I am.
Little Miss Bubblehead
is terribly, terribly sorry, indeed.
I was just so anxious
to tell you the news.
- What news?
- We're going to be married.
- You and who?
- Me and Stewart.
You mean Blinky?
Yes. And if he doesn't have to
fly to London this weekend,
he's going to take me down
to meet his mother this Saturday.
- Down where?
- Atlantic City.
Oh. What did you say
this guy did?
Oil, darling.
Simply barrels of it.
- Says he, huh?
- But of course.
You ought to hear him
talk about it, really.
I think we oughta put
a check on that one.
Why? don't know
what you mean.
Nobody's mother lives
in Atlantic City on Saturday.
- Hello?
- Miss Page?
That's right, it's still no.
Oh! Oh!
Oh!
Now who on earth
ever thought of this?
- Thought of what?
- Skiing on snow.
What else would you ski on?
Why, the natural way,
like in Florida, on water.
Ski on water? Why you.
Oh, no!
Mrs. Salem!
Here she is now.
How are you feeling?
Never mind how I feel.
Where have you been?
- Sitting on the mountain.
- Who with?
Nobody.
- What's that?
- 'm going to give you a manicure.
- What was his name?
- Eben.
You gotta be careful. You don't want to
get mixed up with a fellow like that.
- Don't I?
- Never.
Who do you think I oughta
get mixed up with?
Well, I won't always
have measles, you know.
Say, you are getting better.
You just wait till
we get back to New York.
- don't dig you sometimes.
- What do you mean?
- s your wife a spook?
- Of course not.
She's a very wonderful woman
and a true credit to her sex.
- Oh, brother!
- mean it.
- Then, Why'd you flip like this?
- Pardon?
What set you off that night?
Oh! Well, for one thing,
you're a very beautiful young woman.
- know.
And for another,
I was a little upset that evening.
My daughter had just
run away and got married.
Well, for goodness sakes,
what's wrong with that?
What was wrong with that
was the fella's no good. He's a gigolo.
Oh, really? Maybe I know him.
What's his name?
- His name's Martinez.
- read about that.
He's a dancer.
"Hoofer Weds Heiress."
Well, she isn't one any more.
- What do you mean?
- disinherited her.
Disinherited her?
Well, there's one thing
I'll say for poor people,
they don't go around
disinheriting their children.
Obviously. They've got nothing
to disinherit them with.
Say that again.
Poor families don't have any money to
pass on from one generation to another.
It doesn't make
any difference.
My mother, no matter how much money
she didn't have, she wouldn't disinherit me.
Do you mind if we just
don't talk for a while?
Not at all.
I like not to talk.
This is what
I wanted you to see.
It's nice.
It's all mine from the crest
of that second ridge to the north there,
all the way around
as far as the eye can see to the west
and back around that way
to just beyond old Baldy.
- All yours?
- Yep.
You mean all those trees
and mountains and everything?
That's it.
Well, for crying out loud.
Isn't it beautiful?
Isn't that what they call "timber"?
Best in the world.
Well, what do you know
about that?
I think it's the most beautiful sight
in the whole world.
Well, I certainly
don't blame you.
Pure and as clean
and plenty of room.
Do you, uh, think
you could ever come to like it?
Well, I never thought
about it before,
but I imagine I could.
You should see it at night, with the
moon and the stars over that mountain.
Look, show me again
how much is yours.
Well, from the crest of
that second ridge to the north there,
all the way around
to the west.
It's all right this time.
One went to work,
one went to look at a bank and
the other one is still with the Elks.
If I remember correctly,
that's what you said the other night.
I know, but this time I'm positive.
[Phone Rings 1
Hello?
Oh, hello.
- Hello.
- Just a moment.
- She's not back yet.
- She isn't?
- You wanna wait?
- Uh, no thanks. I'd better be going.
- 'll tell her you were here.
- Thank you.
- Bye now.
- Bye.
Sorry, darling. Just one of Schatze's
friends just popped in to say hello.
- 'll tell you what I want you to do.
- Yes?
It seems that I've got to nip down
to Washington this evening for dinner
with a certain party
whose name I'll tell you later.
But that means I'll probably
have to stay there overnight.
So, I'm going to ask you to take
the plane down to Atlantic City alone,
and I'll be over from Washington
in time to meet you at the airport.
- s that all right?
- Of course it is, darling.
Then, here's a schedule
I suggest
There's a flight from Atlantic City
from La Guardia Airport at 5:00 P.M.
Fasten your seat belts, please.
May I take these, please?
Well, everything's okay.
Well, I'll be darned.
Pardon?
Haven't we met before?
For goodness sakes, you're that friend
of Schatze's. What happened to you?
- When?
- Yesterday.
I told Schatze you were coming back,
and she waited for you.
Uh, I got tied up.
- Your wife?
- Oh, I'm not married.
That's nice.
- Um, look.
- Yes?
Didn't you bring your glasses?
What glasses?
Don't you wear glasses?
Oh, no. Whatever gives you that idea?
You got the most peculiar
vision I ever saw.
- Why do you say that?
- You're reading that book upside down.
But I'm no such thing.
Not you, the book.
Oh.
Isn't it silly, though?
What is it, astigmatism?
- No, just blind as a bat.
- Me too.
Oh, really?
Then, why aren't you
wearing glasses?
I am wearing glasses.
Well, there you are.
I used to be like that. For years,
I went around banging into fireplugs
and shaking hands with lampposts because
I didn't want to be called four eyes.
And then, something happened which
cured me of that sort of thing forever.
What was that?
One evening, I said hello to three
different fellows I owed money to.
But it's different with girls,
don't you think?
How is it?
Well, you know what they say
about girls who wear glasses.
What are you talking about?
Men aren't attentive
to girls who wear glasses.
Did you ever try it?
No.
- You brought them with you, didn't you?
- Yes.
Then, why don't you put them on?
Find out for yourself.
With you?
Why not?
Well.
If you're worried about me, I'll tell
you right now before you put them on,
I already think
you're quite a strudel.
- Honestly?
- Absolutely.
I've thought so
from the first minute I saw you.
Well, if you really think so.
Go ahead.
Put them on.
- You're crazy.
- No?
- You look better with them on.
- do?
Gives your face a certain, uh, mystery.
No kidding.
And distinction.
A certain kind of distinction.
Well, what do you know
about that?
You're already a very good-looking girl,
if you don't mind my saying so.
- No, not at all.
- And the glasses.
That particular type gives your face
a very interesting,
uh, difference.
You don't think they make me
look like an old maid.
I've never seen anybody in my whole life
who reminded me less of an old maid.
What's your name?
So what happened was this.
I sent this check to this fellow,
this tax expert.
Instead of paying the tax, he cashed the
check and put the money in his pocket.
But why didn't you tell that
to the government?
Well, I did, but you know
how the government is.
Couldn't be more sympathetic,
but they still wanted the dough.
Even after you told them
that fellow was a crook?
What did that mean? As far as they
were concerned, the only crook was me.
I had to have some proof. That's why
I had to get back and get this check.
Well, how do you like that?
When I found out he'd gone
to Kansas City, I jumped on a plane.
He's either going to kick in with the
money, or I'm going to break his neck.
Is that where he is, Kansas City?
So I understand.
Why are you going
to Atlantic City?
Who's going
to Atlantic City?
Doesn't this plane
go to Atlantic City?
What are you talking about?
This is the Midland Sky Chief.
- Are you kidding?
- Of course not.
We should be in Kansas City
in about, uh, 20 minutes.
Why?
Oh, nothing.
Just one of those things.
Go on.
Tell me some more.
Tell me anything.
Does your family
live there with you?
Oh, no, they couldn't do that.
I see. You mean they have
a place of their own.
Oh, sure, over at Dexter Mills.
I saw a picture
in Harper's Bazaar once,
what they call
a mountain shack.
It was creamy.
Well, here we are.
- Here we are where?
- The shack. This is it.
Well, what do you mean?
This is a shack.
Well, of course.
What did I tell you?
It's very comfortable inside.
Come on.
Just a minute.
Is this really on the level?
- s what on the level?
- Well, is this really your home?
Well, it is when I'm on duty.
What did you expect?
Well, certainly not this.
I don't know what you mean, honey.
It's just a forestry lookout station.
But they're all pretty much alike.
But if you're so rich, why couldn't
you build yourself a bigger one?
- Like in Harper's Bazaar.
- Rich? Who's rich?
- Aren't you?
- Well, that's a good one.
Where on earth
did you get that idea?
But all these trees.
Didn't you say they were yours?
Well, mine to watch, sure.
That's part of my job.
I don't even own a bush.
Oh. But I thought...
Oh, darling, this is the worst.
What's the matter, sweetheart?
I don't get it.
I'm so crazy about you.
Well, that's wonderful.
I'm crazy about you too.
But I... Oh, honey.
Oh, I see.
What you mean is you're not interested
in a man without trees.
That's not it at all.
I'm crazy about you, but I...
Let's not talk about it.
Do you mind?
If only you'd told me.
I told you. I told you
the first day we went skiing.
I told you then
that's what I was, a ranger.
Is that what you meant?
What else could I have meant?
I'm sorry. I just thought
you meant you came from Texas.
What's the matter
with your dad this time?
He went to another
Republican rally.
Maybe he'd better
join the Democrats.
Not in Maine.
Too lonely.
Can we rent a car
in Portland?
I suppose so.
You mean we're going to
drive back to New York?
It'll probably be pretty expensive,
but I think it's the safest way
not to be seen by anybody.
When you got the measles,
I wouldn't have given ten cents
for my chances of getting
out of this jam without being caught.
- You know what I did?
- What?
I got on long distance with a few
friends around Chicago and St. Louis.
I had them keep sending telegrams
to my wife, signed with my name.
All about this unexpected
business trip I was on.
It worked like a charm.
That sounds very intelligent.
I don't like to boast, but if I hadn't
had that little stroke of brilliance,
there could have been a lot
of very serious results in my home.
And business too.
What are you going to do
to show you're grateful?
- What do you mean?
- Whenever a person pulls a rock
and skins out of it,
they oughta do something nice
for the injured party,
don't you think?
- For instance?
- Well, for one thing,
you ought to drop into Cartier's
tomorrow morning and get your wife
some sort of little bubble
for her wrist.
How about some nice flowers?
Is that all the grateful you are,
five dollars worth of geraniums?
Look, if I gave Mrs. Brewster
a piece of jewelry not on her birthday,
she'd have 25 private detectives
on my tail within 10 minutes.
Well, if you'll pardon my frankness,
I'd be ashamed to admit it.
- 'll send her a nice box of roses.
- She'll love that.
She's not used to
expensive gifts.
Anything more than flowers
would upset her terribly.
All right, then. How about doing
something nice for your daughter?
- What?
- Why don't you inherit her again?
I'm sorry, that's quite
out of the question.
But that wouldn't cost you
anything until you were dead.
I'd rather not discuss it
if you don't mind.
What's the matter with you, anyway?
Everybody loves their children.
Even monkeys. It's a well-known law
of Mother Nature.
Mother Nature never
had to deal with a gigolo.
And what else pray
were you trying to be?
The differences between the two
should be quite obvious, even to you.
And would you be so kindly
as to specify how?
If you don't mind, I don't think
I care to debate the question with you.
Once you get one foot on the ground,
you're really quite a jerk, aren't you?
Where are we now?
We'll be crossing
the George Washington Bridge...
George Washington Bridge?
What are we doing way over there?
On the customary routes,
I could be recognized a dozen times.
This side of the river
no one knows me.
It's just another example of the use
of intelligence in a situation like this.
If you've got intelligence,
you don't need luck.
If you've got that good old American
know-how, you don't need anything else.
Because the simple truth is
that when the chips are really down,
man is still the master
of his own fate.
The captain of his destiny.
- What is it?
- Motorcycle cops.
Are you sure
you're not on the lam?
It's all right.
Just keep moving.
I'm awfully sorry
if I'm going too fast.
You're all right.
Just follow me.
Good afternoon, sir.
This is George Washington Bridge Week.
And the city of New York extends
its heartiest congratulations
to the happy couple driving the 50
millionth car across our noble edifice.
- Hold it. This way, lady.
- Another smile, lady.
Hold it. Hold it.
I'm sorry I can't give you
any more, Mrs. Page, but, uh,
you know what the market
is these days.
- Gesundheit.
- Thank you again, Mrs. Page.
[Phone Rings 1
- Hello?
- Miss Page?
Oh, it's you again.
- Are you good for seconds?
- Oh, sure.
- Let's order them now.
- Two more, Mac. Well-done.
And slap a little chili on that one.
- You know what the trouble with you is?
- Which one?
Trouble with you is you're a hamburger
with onions dame and won't admit it.
I wonder how long it took you
to work that one out.
My guess is that I know you
better than you know yourself.
Ketchup.
Uh, coleslaw?
If I can get it on here.
I just don't believe that you're the
kind of girl you pretend to be at all.
I'll say this for you, that's
quite a line you've got there.
Here. Pickles?
Thanks.
It's all an act. You know as well
as I do that money isn't everything.
Who told you it wasn't?
Nobody had to.
Did you ever have any?
A little, yes.
Then, how do you know
it isn't everything?
Do you seriously believe having money
automatically brings you happiness?
Well, no, but it doesn't
automatically depress me either.
I don't believe you, Schatze.
Look, Tommy, I'm in a jam here
Don't you understand?
I'm in a very bad
financial situation.
If those kids don't come back,
I'm on the hook for a year's
rent for that apartment.
So, what do you think
I should do now,
fall in love with a character
who doesn't even own a necktie?
- Haven't they written to you?
- How can they? They're illiterate.
- Listen, honey...
- t's no use, Tommy boy.
Just as soon as I finish this horse
burger, I never want to see you again.
Hello?
How about taking a look
at Miss Liberty today?
Well.
If you were solvent, it would be
an entirely different matter.
But I had it with a grease monkey
like you, and that's all I want of that.
Okay, Miss Cafe Society, take a look out
there and give me a rest for a moment.
And the truth of the matter,
I don't care what you say,
is that if you're not loaded,
you've already got two strikes on you.
I already said okay. What else
do you want me to say about it?
As soon as we get off this barge,
I never want to see you again.
[Phone Rings 1
- Yes?
- Tonight?
No.
I mean it I tell you.
Just as soon as we get home,
I never want to see...
I'm sorry we can't give you
any more, Mrs. Page.
I already laughed at that one.
Well, anyway, thanks again.
May I come in?
May I change my mind?
Is this on the level?
From the bottom of my heart.
Then, hold it
for just one second.
Fred? Fred?
This is Mrs. Page.
Grab that furniture man and tell him
to bring that stuff right back up here.
Do you understand?
Don't even move.
Well?
Yes.
ls something wrong,
Mrs. Page?
I don't know.
I just feel so lonely.
- Your friends?
- Yeah.
Not one of those two dingbats
to stand up with me.
Well, there's still a good hope
they may come yet.
If they come now,
I'll throw them out on their necks.
- But I thought...
- wanted them yesterday.
What time have I got
to laugh at them now?
Well, for crying out loud, a party.
Wait a minute.
- There's Loco!
- Well, hi!
- What is it?
- Schatze's wedding. Didn't you know?
- Who to?
- Dallas, Texas.
Wow!
- Pardon me, but my name is Ding Dong.
- How do you do?
- Did you have much trouble?
- What do you mean, trouble?
He's absolutely insane
about me.
- No kidding.
- Out of his mind.
- Do you know how much he's worth?
- How much?
- Thirty mil.
- He's not.
Give or take a mil.
Oh, isn't
that wonderful?
Oh, and he's a doll.
A perfect doll.
- What a break.
- 'm not kidding. It's a dream marriage.
What about you?
Where have you been all this time?
Oh, I went back
to Maine.
What do you mean,
you went back to Maine?
Well, to tell you the truth,
I got married up there.
Not to that Shriner.
- Oh, no, he was already married.
- That's what I thought.
Who'd you marry?
Well, he's not anybody
in particular.
Just a fella
I met up there.
But I'm absolutely
crazy about him.
How do you like that?
Both of us at the same time.
What does he do?
- He's a ranger.
- Cattle, you mean?
No, he's a forest ranger.
Well, that's not bad. If you get enough
trees, they're really worth something.
- How'd you meet him?
- don't mean he owns them,
he just watches them.
You mean,
just looks at them?
He's got a house on top of a mountain.
They keep a lookout for fires
so all those trees
don't burn down.
How can he make any dough
out of that?
He doesn't, much.
You mean
he's a kind of fireman?
That's it.
- Thank you.
- Mr. Hanley?
- You have the license, I suppose.
- Yes, right here.
Wouldn't you
like to meet him?
Oh, sure.
Is he here?
I'll get him.
Hiya, Schatze.
Well, I'll be
a monkey's uncle.
Congratulations, honey. We read about it
on the plane. I think it's just creamy.
You know how much
he's got?
- How much?
- Fifty mil.
- Brother!
- Give or take a mil.
Have you been
shopping yet?
When they open the doors,
I fall in.
- What a break!
- Where have you been?
- Kansas City.
- For what?
That's where Freddie and I
got married.
- You mean you married that crowbar?
- Well, yes.
Honest to goodness, Pola,
you need a governess.
I could have pegged that guy as a phony
when I was eight years old.
Oh, not Stewart.
I married Freddie.
Freddie? Who he?
Well, it's a little mixed up. You see,
I got on his plane to Kansas City.
I thought you were going
to Atlantic City.
I was, but the first stop
for this plane was Kansas City.
Never mind. I don't want to
hear any more about it.
Just tell me one thing...
is he holding or not?
Well, yes and no.
Oh, no, no, no.
Not you too.
I mean, he'd be holding
if he could get his hands on it.
- Say that again.
- Well, he's on the lam.
- A thief?
- No, no, he's not a thief.
As a matter of fact,
he owns this apartment.
But he gave this guy a check
for his income tax...
Then, what's
he on the lam for?
Then, he went up to break this
guy's neck, but his glasses fell off.
- Whose glasses?
- Freddie's.
And the guy nearly
broke his neck.
You mean, he's blind too?
Blinder than me.
Here he is.
This is Schatze, darling.
Oh, congratulations,
Mrs. Page.
Thank you. Congratulations to you too.
She's okay.
- think so.
- And this is Pola.
- Glad to meet you.
- Holy Toledo!
- sn't he cute?
- Just a minute.
Two more pounds
and she could be arrested for bigamy.
Pardon me, Mrs. Page. Mr. Hanley would
like to know if there's a maid of honor.
- f he can find one.
- Can I be it?
Matron, I believe, is about
the best you can hope for.
- Shall I tell him?
- Take him.
- Come on, before Pola gets here.
- Bye.
Bye.
It's just Schatze.
Come on.
- Here he is.
- Hi, Mrs. Page.
- s that going to be permanent?
- No, it's just a brace.
He takes it off
at night.
Don't you worry.
I'm going to get even with him yet.
I just have to lay
a little low for a while.
We're going underground
right after the ceremony.
- You don't mind?
- Love it
Well, congratulations
to you too.
I think we'd better get started. Some
of the kids are beginning to foam over.
Okay, tell them to blow the whistle.
You're still sure?
Of course.
"Dearly beloved,
we are gathered together here..."
- Please.
- What's the matter, dear?
My ankle.
Can you take me back?
Why, yes. Of course.
You're just too nice a guy
to get married to someone
that doesn't love you all out.
Was that what it was?
What else?
I can think of
a number of reasons
why you should never have
considered me in the first place.
Have I hurt you
very bad?
You have.
But I'll recover.
You sound as though
as you already have.
No. No, that's just one of
the few advantages of age
Disappointments become
a normal part of life.
But what do you think
I should tell the guests?
Oh, just tell them Mrs. Page
has blown her stack at last.
No one will give you
an argument on it.
Wouldn't you like to talk it over
first with Loke and Pola?
- Those bubbleheads.
- Why do you say that?
Did you see what those
two goofballs turned up with?
Yeah, I saw
Loke's forest ranger.
A fireman for trees.
Seemed like
a very nice boy.
- Did you see what Pola brought back?
- No.
- A fugitive from justice.
- No.
And a blind one at that.
Young man?
As far as I could tell,
in back of that Halloween getup.
Well, they love them,
don't they?
Drooling,
all four of them.
And who is
your young man?
- What young man?
- The one you're in love with.
Who said I was in love
with a young man?
I did.
Well,
it's a sin and a shame,
but I guess I've got to admit it.
I am.
- Who is he?
- What does that matter?
Well, I don't think it's unnatural
that I should have some curiosity.
He's nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
A character straight
from Characterville.
- s that his name?
- Brookman.
- Brookman what?
- Tom Brookman.
You say he's non-holding?
One more hamburger
would break him.
What does he do?
He won't say, but that's nothing to me.
I already know.
- What?
- He's a gas pump jockey.
How do you know?
How do I know
how I know?
There's something about those guys
that I can spot every time I see them.
I married one once,
remember?
Does he
really love you?
To hear him tell it,
he does.
Well, what's to stop you
from marrying him?
Nothing now, but it's scarcely
what you'd call progress.
- He's here now, you know.
- Where?
- Out there.
- How do you know?
Well, there's a character out there
who looks like a gas pump jockey to me.
- Has he got on a tie?
- No, no tie.
And at a formal ceremony.
You see what I mean?
Well, you can certainly
say that again.
And after I told him
I never wanted to see him again, ever.
Who does he think he is, anyway?
Crashing my wedding.
Well, suppose I ask him?
Now just a minute, J.D.
Hiya, Tom.
Okay, I guess.
Congratulations.
- Congratulations to you.
- Don't be funny.
- Still the character, huh?
- Well, why not?
All she talks about is dough,
dough, dough. Nothing but dough.
So, if that's all she wants, you can
have her. I don't want any part of her.
That's the way she talks, of course,
but that's not the way she feels.
I'll bet.
What happened?
It was a delayed decision
in your favor.
- Are you kidding?
- Not in the least.
- Did you tell her about me?
- Of course not.
So far as she knows,
you're still hustling a gas pump.
I don't believe this.
- All right. Let's go ask her.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, J.D.
You think I ought to tell her now?
Are you crazy?
She obviously likes gas pump jockeys
better than millionaires.
What do you want to do,
disillusion the girl?
Mr. Brookman, darling.
- Well, you've got a crust.
- Just a minute.
- A big wedding and you with no necktie.
- Listen to me.
Everybody else here dressed up in
striped pants and you show up like a...
- Listen, Schatze!
- never want to see you again.
Hey, hey, hey, what about
a cheese dog burger this time, huh?
Following the ceremony, the party
adjourned to a fashionable greasy spoon,
where perfectly delicious
dog burgers were served.
What happened with those zillionaires
everybody was talking about?
Oh, what always happens
to rich zillionaires.
I've got nothing to worry about.
What did you tell me you were worth?
Oh, I should say
in the neighborhood of 14 dollars,
give or take a nickel.
- That's all cash too.
How about you, Killer?
How are you fixed?
To tell you the truth,
if I can get my hands on it...
You're fixed but good.
I can tell.
Wait a minute. I want to hear
from Mr. Fill'Er Up.
Just what you estimate
your fortune at?
Oh, about 200 million,
I should imagine.
Oh, that's not enough.
Might that all be in cash?
I could probably dig up
a couple million cash if I had to.
Oh, that's wonderful.
What might the rest be in, oil?
- Some oil.
- Uh-huh.
- Some airline stock.
- Good.
A little steel.
Some cattle down in Texas.
Couple of coal mines in Alabama.
Bit of real estate here and there.
Some automobile stocks.
The Brookman Building.
And, of course,
Brookman, Pennsylvania.
A whole city he owns yet. Wouldn't
you know that would happen to me?
Give me the check, Mac.
Keep the change, Mac.
Gentlemen,
to our wives.
English - US - SDH