How to Ruin the Holidays (2023) Movie Script
1
[ Blowing raspberries ]
[ Chuckles and blows raspberry ]
[ Instrumental "O
Christmas Tree" plays ]
Hey, Shelly.
I got this thing you sent me.
It's pretty good.
It tastes like
cinnamon or almonds.
One of the five.
[ Crunches ]
So, what you doing over there?
Standing around with your
butt between your legs?
Shelly's in Los Angeles.
City of Angels.
That's far away.
Dad says it's a shithole.
[ John Driskell Hopkins & The Joe Gransden
Big Band's "Jolly Old Saint Nicholas" plays ]
Jolly old Saint Nicholas
Lean your ear this way
Don't you tell a single soul
What I'm going to say
I'd love to, but
I'm running late.
Christmas Eve
is coming soon
Now, you dear old man
Come on.
Whisper what
you'll bring to me
You're strong,
beautiful goddesses.
This is effortless.
Remember to breathe.
When I'm fast asleep
Down the chimney
broad and black
- With your pack you'll creep
- You look different.
Oh, girl, I got my
eyelids Botoxed.
- I knew it. You look so good.
- Thank you.
I no longer have
peripheral vision.
Give your cat a natural diet
like it would have in
the wild. [ Chuckles ]
Give your cat a natural diet.
Give your cat a natural diet
like it would have in the wild.
Try our all-beef perfect
bl... perfect blend.
Give your cat a natural diet
like it would have in the wild.
Try our all-beef
"purrfect" blend.
That was honestly beautiful.
You really think a cat could
take down a cow in the wild?
- We'll let you know.
- Hey.
Did I see you the other
night at the Comedy Factory
doing, like, improv skits?
Yeah, that was me.
You're really funny.
You should think about
doing that for a living.
Thanks.
I'll consider that.
Can I get an Impossible
Whopper with, uh,
no cheese and no mayo?
Sorry. My window doesn't work.
Hey, guys. Welcome
to the show.
We are Rock, Paper, Laughter.
Happy holidays.
What ever happened
to Merry Christmas,
you harlot?
- Oh, it...
- it's still a thing, sir.
This is just a way for us to...
You know what? Never mind.
Who's heard of improv?
[ Microphone
feedback screeches ]
Fantastic.
Becky wants a picture book
Yellow, blue, and red
Now I think I'll
leave to you
What you give the rest
Choose for me,
dear Santa Claus
You will know
The best
- Oh, my God.
- It's been a hell of a day.
I've got one for
the board, though.
- Let me hear it.
- Okay. It's a good one.
"Elaine, 45, beaten
down by life.
Not attractive, but
not ugly, just plain.
She is quick to anger,
definitely not athletic.
That is so perfect for you.
- Oh, my God. Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, God, I hate auditioning.
I just want to do
live shows, you know?
Well, how was yours?
- Well, I got bumped...
- Ugh,
uh, for a guy who
dresses up like a hot dog
and then does a
hot three minutes
about whether a hot dog
is a sandwich or not.
- What?
- Oh, and then Mr. Corduroy
with the husky from Tinder.
We were supposed
to meet tonight.
- Of course he ghosted.
- So you just stayed home
- watching murder shows?
- Obviously.
I cannot wait to
get out of this town
and see my folks and just...
Shit, hon. I'm sorry.
Dude, just 'cause
my family sucks
doesn't mean you
can't enjoy yours.
I was actually thinking
about it today,
and I realized that
the one and only thing
that we can all agree on
is that Toto is the
best band of all time.
Weren't they, like,
one-hit wonders?
- What? No.
- [ Laughs ]
Sorry.
I've... I've obviously
offended you.
- Mm. It's okay.
- You know, we're turning
into the craziest kind
of roommates, right?
Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?
In just a few short years,
we'll be firmly in
"Golden Girls" territory,
and then all I gotta worry about
is nights out at the Lions Club
and dating widowers.
Dude, I would murder to
bang a widower right now.
[ Laughs ] Gross.
Well, there are young widowers.
- That's true.
- But you want an old one.
I want an old one, like, brittle
and, like, easily influenced.
[ Both laugh ]
I cut the crusts
off his sandwich.
[ Laughing ] Gross.
[ Instrumental "O
Christmas Tree" plays ]
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Ugh.
- Fuck.
- Hey, Shell!
We never seem to be on the
same schedule these days.
I miss my sis.
Miss da sista. [ Laughs ]
Anyway, look, I know
it's been a few years
since you came home for
Christmas and everything,
and so I figured you're
probably not planning
on coming this
year either, but...
- Here we go.
- Manipulation in three, two...
Well, Dad had a fall,
and he's not doing good.
I really need your help.
Anyways, the real
reason I'm calling
is 'cause I finished
my screenplay
and it's already in your inbox.
It's seriously so good.
Oh, and I'm super into thinking
about my brand right now.
Would you describe me as
"The Crow" meets
"Legally Blonde"?
- What about Dad?
- You want to get back to that?
Things here are crazy.
We also need to talk about Mark.
Who's gonna take care of him?
So either come home
for a visit or call me.
Also, most importantly, don't
forget to read my screenplay.
Fuck.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way
Oh, what a time to have some
fun riding on the sleigh
Welcome to Atlanta, where
the local time is 9:17 a.m.
- Thank you for flying with us.
- Dancing down a snowy path
And singing all the way
The snow's coming down
It brightens the spirit with
fun being had all around
The sparkling sound of bells
when you hear it brings joy
- Five.
- Oh, jingle bells
Five more sleeps
until Christmas.
Come along, we'll
have some fun
Riding on a sleigh
Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way
Oh, what fun, oh,
what fun, oh, what fun
On Christmas Day
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
Oh, what fun we'll
have Christmas Day
[ Mutters indistinctly ]
[ Cellphone beeps ] Yes, Phil?
Michelle!
Did I just see you
on Rodeo Drive?
No, Phil, I'm in
Atlanta right now.
The Peach State. I love it.
Hey, do you have, like, a
reel of funny characters?
That's, like, the
only thing I have.
Great, because, uh,
"SNL" is looking
for a new cast
member in a hurry.
They are desperate and
they're looking for women.
And, you know, both
those things...
very much in your favor.
- "Saturday Night Live"?
- Holy shit.
I don't know if they're
looking for, like, fat funny
or like, you know,
skinny sexy funny.
But, hey, either way,
great time to be a woman
in comedy. [ Laughs ]
Okay, uh... cool.
So, um, things will
move pretty fast.
Uh, we have to stay in
constant communication.
Get me that reel of you
doing funny characters.
All right? And... And please,
- very funny.
- You got it.
Oh, oh, wait, one
more thing, Phil.
Uh... [ Cellphone beeps ]
Uh, that's my sister,
but it's fine.
- I'll just call her back.
- Uh, call me back after.
- I promise I'll pick up.
- Are you sure, Phil?
'Cause for a guy whose job
it is to answer the phone,
like, you never do that.
- No, that's not true.
- Look, I'll prove it.
I will pick up immediately.
It won't even ring.
Okay, thanks.
This couldn't wait?
I'm like a block
away from the house.
- Is everything okay with Dad?
- Oh, yeah.
He's just stockpiling
canned goods in his shed.
How exactly is he doing that
if he's hurt from his fall?
Oh, I'd say his injuries
are mostly psychological.
Andrea, you told me that he
wasn't doing well at all.
I meant mentally.
- Oh, my God!
- I'm gonna kill you.
Okay. What was so urgent
that you had to blow up my
phone while I'm driving?
So I have this great idea
for a new screenplay.
Imagine, like, a really
gritty reboot of "Garfield."
Like... what's he willing
to do for that lasagna?
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Screams ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Line ringing ]
- Hey, it's Phil.
- You know what to do.
Fuck!
[ Engine starts ]
First Noel, the...
[ Brakes squeak ]
Poor shepherds in
fields as they lay
Fuck. [ Sighs ]
In fields where they
On a cold winter's night
She's a fucking
screenwriter now?
W-Who even knows about
Garfield and fucking lasagna?
- [ Squealing ]
- Oh, "I hate Mondays."
What the fuck? Jesus Christ.
- Oh, my God.
- Noel, Noel
[ Engine shuts off ]
The star returns!
Would you just help
me with my bags?
The ones in the back or
the ones under your eyes?
[ Laughs ]
Seriously, though, did
you not get any sleep
on the plane or what?
Please, just cool it.
Somebody's in a good mood.
Just help me with
my stuff, okay?
Okay. [ Laughs ]
[ Sighs ]
Service with a smile.
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
It's good to see you.
Yeah, it's good to see you, too.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, did you read my screenplay?
You sent it to me yesterday.
I know, but I thought
you might have read it
on the plane since you
obviously didn't get any sleep.
What the hell are you back for?
Oh. Hi, Larry.
Good to see you, Larry.
Oh, is it good to see Larry?
I don't even like to see Larry.
Ol' Larry, who farted too
hard in the fourth grade
and everybody called
him "Shit Pants Larry"
till he was 25 years old.
What are you dirty punks up to?
You're my age, Larry.
Why do you gotta act
like such an old man?
For some of us, time exists!
All right? I age.
Gracefully. Naturally.
Unlike you Hollywood pedophiles.
We went to
kindergarten together.
- Eh.
- Don't antagonize him.
Just stating the facts.
Before we go in, we should talk.
I need you to help me to
convince Dad to sell this place.
Why would I do that?
So we can use the
money, you know,
to set him up someplace
with more support.
And Mark. I don't know.
What are you talking about?
Dad can't take care
of this place anymore.
He can't take care
of himself or Mark.
We're gonna have to
figure something out.
Okay. I'm just gonna
stop you right there
because you've lost a little
bit of credibility here.
So I'm gonna go in and assess
the situation for myself.
Okay.
I mean, it's not that bad.
Are you kidding?
Just needs a little bit
of straightening up.
Oh, my God.
Okay, whatever.
[ Techno music plays ]
Oh, oh. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Hey! What the...?
- Shelly!
- Hey, bud!
- I've missed you so much.
- I know. Me too.
Why'd you turn off my food?
You can't put tinfoil
in the microwave, man.
I always do.
- I can see that.
- Mm-hmm.
- Where's Dad?
- He's in the shed.
- Stacking water.
- So he's okay?
He's gotten really into
the whole doomsday thing.
- [ Alarm blaring ]
- Uh-oh.
Oh, shit.
Survival drill!
Time to lock down our shit!
It's the end of the world!
Aaaaah!
- Get all of the INCH bags!
- All of the INCH bags!
Hey, Dad.
Oh. Hi... Hi, honey.
[ Alarm continues blaring ]
Good. You're... You're
here. Help me with this.
Uh, with what, exactly?
Come on. Come on!
Dad, Andrea said
you had a bad fall.
I tripped. A tiny bruise.
Ugh, she's like a one-woman
episode of "This is Us."
You're okay? Like, really?
With environmental destruction,
return to fascism,
overpopulation,
society's being
pushed to the brink.
It's only a matter of time
before we break down into
bands of roving warlords.
- So you're okay?
- Nobody's okay.
What a heartwarming thought.
[ Alarm continues blaring ]
Everyone have their
radiation pills?
Wait, so this is a
nuclear-attack scenario,
and your number-one concern
is camouflaging the shed?
- Do you have your INCH bags?
- What the shit is an INCH bag?
It's an acronym.
It stands for, "I'm
Never Coming Home."
Yeah.
It's kind of like
whatever bag you packed
the last time you left.
[ Chuckles ]
Wow.
Okay.
Sick burn, Dad.
- You know what?
- Give me a break, Mark.
And Dad, chill out.
And for the record, if
the world were ending,
this is the last place
I'd want to be stuck.
- Same.
- Same.
All I want is for
you all to survive.
The only threat to my
survival at this moment
is that I'm considering
killing myself
because this conversation
is so insane.
All right. What are you
gonna do if there's a fire?
Put it out.
I mean specifically
in this house,
what steps are
you going to take?
I don't know.
Right here, there is a lock box,
and it is full of
fire-safety equipment.
You have to work like a team,
or we will all burn to death.
There's a fine line
between survival
and the coroner sifting
through our charred remains.
- The fuck, Dad?
- So, Andrea, you are going
- to get the keys.
- Sweet. I got the easy job.
Michelle, you open
up this bad boy,
and you hand out the equipment.
Mark, you are going to
get the fire extinguisher,
and you just spray the
shit out of everything.
Aye aye, Cap'n Butthead!
The keys are gonna be
right in here, got it?
- Got it!
- Got it.
- Any questions?
- I have a question.
Why does this box
need to be locked?
I mean, isn't it wasting
valuable seconds in this inferno
we suddenly find ourselves in?
I need a beer.
Yeah, me too.
I don't think
casual day drinking
is a good example
to set for Mark.
Hey, stop being so dramatic.
Why don't you just take your
stuff up to your old room?
It's an office now.
The couch opens up.
I'm being dramatic?
You just described
in great detail
how we're all gonna
burn to death.
- Hey, it's Phil.
- You know what to do.
You see what I'm saying?
I don't know. Maybe.
- Just give me a minute, okay?
- You got it.
No talking by me for
60 seconds starting...
now!
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
- Hello?
- Hey.
- [ Sighs ]
- Oh, shit. What's going on?
I can't tell if my idiot sister
is blowing things
out of proportion
or if there's really a problem.
So I'm staying through
Christmas, I guess.
I'm gonna try to
figure everything out,
and then I'm flying right back.
Good, because it is fucking
blowing up out here.
I mean, motherfucking "SNL."
- Yeah. Somebody got fired?
- Yeah. Apparently
some cast member made a joke
about Chinese democracy.
- Shit.
- Apparently they want
a new woman right away,
so everyone is going
in for it, even me.
Well, good luck to us both.
May the odds be
ever in our favor.
You are such a nerd.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
- There, Shelly.
- Let me help you.
Thanks, Marco.
[ Grunts ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Metal clanging ]
Oh, I can't do this right now.
[ Sighs ]
It's like this.
Did you do this?
Hey, man.
Why are you squeezing
me so tight?
Four more sleeps
until Christmas.
Mark, what the hell?
I'm still sleeping.
Oops. Sorry.
No sorry. Just leavey.
Hey, you want to sing
our Christmas song?
- No, Marco.
- I'm still on LA time.
I want to sleep. Get out!
Geez.
You don't gotta
fart my head off.
[ Mutters ]
Oh, good morning, Shel.
Hey, Dad.
You know, uh,
I'm really glad you're here.
Yeah, thanks. Me too.
Look, Dad, how you doing?
Like, really?
I ever tell you about my
friend Michael Buddle?
Only every time
we've ever spoken
for as long as I can remember.
He was a really good actor.
He was also very smart.
Uh, we met at college.
Yeah, I know, Dad, but, like,
how was everything around
the house and stuff?
Eventually he dropped
out of college
because he wanted to
pursue acting full-time.
Because, you know,
if you need help
with anything,
you could tell me.
I told him it was a mistake.
Of course, he didn't make
much money from acting.
[ Sputters ] Well,
you know how that is.
That is so gross.
Did Fox News tell
you to eat that?
That's conservative media.
I'm a libertarian.
What's the goddamn difference?
I believe in global warming.
I just don't want the government
to do anything about it.
- Wow.
- So do you want to hear
what happened to Michael Buddle?
- He got sick.
- He got sick,
and he didn't have
any health insurance.
So you know what
happened to him?
- He died.
- His heart exploded.
The doctor said if only
they had caught it sooner.
You know, Dad, to me,
that story is more
of an indictment
of our broken health care
system than anything else,
because I know it is
certainly not life advice
from a man who is drinking beer
and raw eggs for breakfast.
All I'm saying is
people make choices,
and depending on what
those choices are,
they sometimes die.
Okay. Um...
Maybe some holiday decorations
will increase
morale around here.
Do you have any
Christmas lights?
No. Your mom took
them when she left.
I'm gonna get some,
because if this is potentially
our last holiday in the house,
we should do it right.
What the hell are
you talking about?
Uh, Andrea seems to think
that you need to get
rid of this place.
Yeah, well, Andrea
answers the phone
in a Shakespearean accent,
so maybe we shouldn't
put so much stock
into what Andrea says.
- Yeah, but...
- This is my home!
I bought it.
I have lived here for
30 years. Mark, too.
We are not gonna leave just
because Andrea thinks we should.
- Yeah, I know, but...
- I am not some sick old man!
I still have plenty of
fighting years left.
They will take this house
from my cold, dead hands.
Okay, then.
I'm gonna go for a run
and pick up some stuff
on the off chance
that anybody cares!
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
[ Door opens ]
Nice! I didn't know you ran.
- Runner's high, am I right?
- No.
The runner's high is a myth,
just like the female orgasm.
- Got it. Oh.
- Can I have one of those drinks?
Sure.
- Thank you.
- So I talked to Dad.
Yeah, I-I know he's against it,
but you gotta understand...
Oh. Boy, that is spicy.
It's a sparkling water.
It's got some kick.
Okay, so what do I
gotta understand?
- [ Coughs ]
- Damn, that is spicy as hell.
Are you done?
Okay. Yeah. Um...
So there's, like, a
financial component, right?
Like, property taxes
and whatever else.
And he's behind, so they're
gonna take it from him.
And obviously that's
not gonna go over well.
So I figure he should
just make the decision
on his own and cash
in while he can.
Maybe you could float
him a few bucks?
No!
Especially because I
don't think he and Mark
should be alone in
this house anymore!
Okay. God!
Keep it down.
Every conversation
doesn't need to be an
Oscar-winning moment, okay?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
But if there's a financial
component, I mean, that's that.
It'd suck balls, but there's
nothing you can do, I guess.
We also need to figure out
what Mark's gonna do, right?
Yeah. Look, let's just take
it one thing at a time, okay?
And we'll figure it out.
I love you.
You're a good sister.
I-I'm gonna go put
the groceries away.
- [ Dog barks ]
- I'm the dog...
Hey, Marco, I'm going to
get some Christmas lights.
- You want to come with me?
- Nah.
You can get your picture
taken with Santa.
Wouldn't that be fun?
Santa's not real.
You sound retarded.
What?!
Where did you hear that?
[ Television playing
indistinctly ]
Well, don't say it
anymore. It's a bad word.
You say "bitch."
When I say "bitch,"
it's different.
Like, I'm taking
it back. [ Sighs ]
Oh, God. I gotta
go back to LA.
- Okay. Okay.
- I was just kidding.
Why does everything have
to be so impossible?
- Santa's real.
- Let's go get a picture.
You just said Santa wasn't real.
I was just tricking you.
- Okay, you knucklehead.
- Let's go.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
Ooh, Merry Christmas, baby
Ooh-ooh-ooh
The only way you can get
your present this year
is if you say one nice
thing about each other.
- Oh.
- I love you. You're the best
- sister in the world.
- Uh-oh. That's a...
- You too!
- That's a good one.
You will get your
presents, I promise.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I'll see you next year.
- Bye.
- Goodbye. [ Chuckles heartily ]
Next!
Oh, here we go.
Oh, hell no. No, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
Ugh! My balls!
[ Strained ] Oh!
Okay, big guy.
What do you want for Christmas.
Tickets to see Toto.
Aren't they, like,
one-hit wonders?
- No.
- Okay, well, what about
something more realistic?
A job.
- A job?
- Yeah.
Okay, I'll see what I can do.
Oh, I got a buddy
who runs a Hooters.
Or!
- Or?
- A girlfriend.
You want a job or a girlfriend?
Yeah, but not both.
Well, why not?
I can't handle that
much responsibility.
- You and me both, brother.
- [ Chuckles ]
Let's hurry it up, hotshot.
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
Up on the housetop
reindeer pause
Out jumps good
old Santa Claus
Down through the chimney
with lots of toys
All for the little
ones, Christmas joys
Ho, ho, ho, who
wouldn't go?
Ho, ho, ho, who
wouldn't go?
Up on the housetop
click, click, click
Down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick
Down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick
[ Crickets chirping ]
[ Scoffs ]
Well, shit!
Come on, you little...
fuckers!
How's my awesome sister doing?
Well, I just spent two hours
putting these goddamn lights up,
and the cocksuckers don't work.
Have you tried plugging them in?
Yeah.
Tell me you have weed.
Let's go.
- Hey.
- Yeah?
Should we invite Mark?
Isn't that, like, an
ethical minefield?
- He drinks beer.
- Is it that different?
Yeah, and you don't think
he should drink beer.
It just seems unfair.
You know, like, it's
just another thing
- that he misses out on.
- Yeah.
Only in this case, it's not
from society or whatever.
It's from his sisters.
The ones that should
be looking out for him.
Oh, my God. Okay!
Okay?
Okay.
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
There you go.
[ Laughs ]
[ Coughs ]
- [ Laughing ]
- Oh! Take it easy, man.
Don't be a hero.
I have to be a hero.
It's my job.
Well, definitely beats
selling life insurance.
What is that supposed to mean?
It means I hate my job.
Well, having some money has
got to take the edge off.
Your career is cool.
Do I look rich or famous to you?
You're both just lucky
that mom didn't come
home for Christmas.
[ Laughter ]
- Yeah.
- Isn't she in the Florida Keys
with her Parrot Head boyfriend?
Yeah, but she keeps threatening
- to come home for a visit.
- Ugh.
She's weird and loud.
Oh, and when she gets mad.
Oh, she is the master
of ripping people apart.
She can act so classy,
and then, like, her
inner demons come out.
Ah, you little bastards
smoking weed back there?
Mm, mm, mm,
I called the DEA!
Yeah, I called them.
I looked them up
on the Internet!
You should turn on
the Christmas lights.
Well, they're fucked, so...
Did you try plugging them in?
Oh, my God. Yes, I did.
I think there's a bad bulb
somewhere, and that's why.
I don't think that's
a thing anymore.
I can guarantee you it is.
- Well, they're brand-new.
- Doesn't matter.
Well, look, I'm not an expert
in electrics or whatever,
but I just heard that that
wasn't a thing anymore.
- That's all I'm saying.
- And I can tell you
that wherever you heard
that from is wrong.
O... kay?
I'm not trying to be a
dick, but I promise you that
if there's a burnt-out bulb,
the whole strand won't light up.
And that's for sure
what's happening here.
- You can't use this one.
- It doesn't work.
You gotta use this one instead.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
Huh.
[ Scoffs ]
You're both wrong, Shelly.
Thanks. I got it, Mark.
[ Vehicle approaching ]
Who the fuck is that?
- [ Whispering ] I knew it!
- What?
- Hi.
- He's been getting sex workers.
Prostitutes?
- What do you think?
- Oh, my God.
Although the preferred
term is sex worker.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
[ Gasps ]
I didn't think they did that.
Well, some do, some don't.
It's really case by case.
It's tough to generalize.
How do you know so
fucking much about this?
Can you finally admit that
things are fucked around here?
- Shelly.
- I mean...
- Shelly!
- What?!
It is tough to
generalize, Shelly.
Okay. Christ!
Is she bringing her own
Christmas stocking
into our home?
He's completely lost it. See?
- Fine. You were right.
- I was wrong.
- Thank you.
- But there is no way
that we can sell the house in
the condition that it is now.
So tomorrow is go time.
[ Sighs ]
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
- Did you get a callback?
- Oh, my God. Yes. Did you?
- Yes! Aah!
- Holy shit.
What if we're in the
cast of "SNL" together?
You do realize we're competing
for the same spot, right?
Shut up. Don't even
put that out there.
- Oh, my God.
- What was I thinking?
This is absolutely the
year that middle-aged women
- take over comedy.
- I love you.
- I gotta put my tape together.
- Bye.
Bye.
[ Keyboard clacking ]
Three.
Three more sleeps
until Christmas.
You gotta stop coming
in here so early, man.
Maybe you shouldn't
stay up so late
smoking the devil's lettuce.
Look at me. I'm Michelle.
I love to smoke weed.
I also do crack and cocaine.
[ Jazz music playing ]
Hey, Dad?
I was thinking today we could...
Oh, my God.
What is happening?
What does it look like?
Yeah, but... why?
Because taking sexy pics
is like planting a tree
or buying a house. [
Camera shutter clicking ]
What does that even mean?
- Best time to do it...
- 10 years ago.
Second best time... right now.
10:00 a.m. on a Sunday.
Okay. Uh...
[ Air horn blows ]
[ Air horn blows ]
- What the hell is this?
- It's an air horn, Dad.
It's a beacon to
millennials everywhere.
That's my people.
All right, we gotta get
this place cleaned up.
- Why?
- So that every day isn't like
living in a frat house
full of hoarders.
We like being
frat-house hoarders.
Okay, well, look, I've
got a job for everybody.
- Where's Anj?
- In her house, where she lives.
Well, I guess I have a
job for you, too, then.
- This is Sharon.
- And we are busy.
No, we are not. We can help.
Hi. I'm Michelle.
- I've heard so much about you.
- Oh, for God...
Can we please not be
garbage people for one day?
We like being garbage people.
It's our destiny.
Well, but you want
a Christmas tree
and presents and stuff, right?
Yeah.
Okay, well, there's nowhere
to put one right now,
so if you help me clean up,
Dad and I promise we'll
get you a Christmas tree.
- Hmm.
- Oh, come on, guys.
You know she's right.
- [ Laughs ] Okay. Okay.
- I'll do it!
Dad, are you in?
Well, I'm outnumbered
and backed into a corner,
so yeah.
Mm.
[ Air horn blows ]
Fuck you!
Hey
[ Heavy metal music plays ]
Whoo!
Deck the halls with
boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we know our gay apparel
Fa la la, la la
la, la la la la
Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol
Fa la la, la la
la, la la la la
[ Guitar riff plays ]
Deck the halls with
boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa la la, la la
la, la la la la
Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol
Fa la la, la la
la, la la la la
Is that where that
thing's staying?
- Yeah.
- It's kind of low.
Well, you should easily
be able to see it
and walk around it.
- It's huge.
- Well, if it's so huge,
it should be easy to avoid.
Okay.
It's fine. No problem.
Hmm.
- See you soon.
- Have a great day.
Hey, can you give me a
lift to the tree place?
I'm not supposed to
drive since the DUI.
[ Scoffs ]
I think "by not supposed to,"
you mean "prohibited by law."
Yeah, whatever.
[ Instrumental
"Silent Night" plays ]
Dad is, uh...
Is that woman a prostitute?
Hey, look at this tree here.
- Dad.
- Hmm?
Is that woman a prostitute?
Who? Sharon?
Yes, Sharon.
Oh, I wasn't sure who
you were referring to
because you didn't use her name.
Is Sharon a prostitute?
Sharon?
I don't know.
I mean, to me, she's, uh,
more of a friend, I suppose.
Well, do you have sex with her?
- Yeah.
- Do you pay her cash?
Venmo. But sure.
Okay, well, then I think
that you should know
that your definition of a friend
is the exact same
as a prostitute.
She prefers the term sex worker.
Again with the sex worker.
Look, Dad, I just don't think
it's a good influence on Mark.
- He's a grown man.
- With developmental delays.
That is such a bullshit excuse.
I don't think I need
an ironclad excuse
to ask you to not
be fucking hookers.
- Hey, come on, man!
- Sex worker.
Around my brother
with special needs.
Well, you've suddenly
become big on family values.
For someone who
stopped coming home
for Christmas for no reason.
Do you know what you said
to me last time I was here?
Quote, "Enough with
the comedy thing.
- Time to do something real."
- I never said that.
- The fuck you didn't!
- [ Woman gasps ]
Sorry. She's from Los Angeles.
So I said, you know what?
I'm not gonna go home until
I can prove him wrong.
- Well, you're here.
- You've done it.
No, Dad.
I didn't do it.
I do shitty improv
gigs for 150 bucks.
I live in a tiny apartment.
You were right.
That's what makes
me so fucking mad.
But I'm close.
Like, closer than
I've ever been before.
And I just want
everybody to be okay
and to have Merry Christmas.
But I'm worried about you guys.
I just don't have
space in my life
to take care of you
and Mark. I just don't.
We're fine. Okay?
Michelle, you really gotta
get your shit together.
Hey, my man!
- We want this tree.
- That one?
That's a crappiest tree on
the lot, but it's all yours.
[ Car door slams ]
Hey, that's the weirdest,
most pathetic little tree
I've ever seen in my life!
Up yours, Larry!
Weird things need a home, too,
you steaming sack of shit.
Good to see you, Larry.
Bye! Hope your home
is marked by plague.
It came upon a
midnight clear
- Hey, it's Phil.
- You know what to do.
- [ Sighs heavily ]
- Leave a message.
That glorious song of old
- This place looks so great.
- Yeah, I know.
It should be easy to
get it listed now.
Yeah. We just have
to get Dad on board.
Yeah, I'll talk to him again.
I just gotta find
the right moment.
So...
any luck with my screenplay?
What? Oh, no.
I'd just love any
notes you might have.
- Oh, yeah?
- Well, not notes per se,
because it's completely done,
and I'm not open to
making any more changes,
but I'd love any
positive feedback.
Yeah, I'll, uh, read it
as soon as I get a chance.
What's the genre?
It's a powerful family drama,
but with as many laughs
as a straight-up comedy.
Cool.
It's the first
part of a trilogy.
Ambitious.
Think you might get a
chance to read it tonight?
- Please?
- Oh, no, I-I can't tonight.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna try to
call and meet with my agent.
- I've been meaning to ask you...
- what's your agent like?
I don't know.
I mean, he just basically
gets me, like, auditions
for bit parts and shows
about cops and doctors.
Oh, like procedurals and stuff?
Like, imagine any show
that has an action sequence
set to music by the end.
- [ Chuckles ]
- You can't make a show good
just by adding a
song or whatever.
Totally. It's like,
"Oh, no, we don't have
a dramatic climax for
the story, so, uh,
let's do some slow-mo music."
[ Laughs ] It's so dumb!
Yeah, the industry
is totally fucked.
I was watching
"Handmaid's Tale,"
and then a commercial for
Weight Watchers came on.
Ew.
Why were you watching
with commercials?
That's just the glamorous life
of being a struggling comedian
in Los Angeles, I guess.
You could always
come back to Atlanta
- to do shows, you know.
- Yeah, right.
Plus, you know, help
out with family stuff.
Yeah, well, I'm just here
to get everybody settled,
and then I'm back to LA.
Well, we're cheering for you.
There actually is something...
potentially big, maybe.
There you go!
And you know what?
You're gonna get it.
And you want to know why?
Because you're talented as hell.
That's really kind.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna go
try to crash out early.
Okay.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Uh, let me know if you get a
chance to read my screen...
[ Line ringing ]
[ Sighs ]
- Hey, it's Phil.
- You know what to do.
Leave a message.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
[ Exhales ]
[ Exhales ]
Two more sleeps.
I was just dreaming about
a very satisfying romance
with a gingerbread man.
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
I gotta get this. Get out.
- Phil?
- Michelle, it's Phil.
- Yeah, I know.
- Did you get my stuff?
Yeah, and I sent it along,
and I gotta say...
they loved you!
- Really?
- Yeah!
They wouldn't shut up about you.
They kept going on about
how amazing you were.
It was the best audition
they've ever seen.
Well, that's good, right?
- It's fantastic.
- It's unbelievable.
It's incredible.
But they did ultimately
decide to go with, uh,
this TikTok star called,
uh, Karen Cassady.
She's in her 30s,
bit of a better look.
Uh, I mean, I looked her up,
and she is beautiful
and super funny,
so, you know, no shame in
losing to Michael Jordan.
Right? But, hey,
you know what?
We'll get the next
prime-time, uh,
sketch show on network TV.
You know, there's like a
million of these things...
[ Sad music plays ]
[ Spoon tapping ]
[ Spraying ]
[ Scoffs ]
You know that's got like
a million calories, right?
I like it!
Hey, hon,
I ever tell you my story about
my friend Michael Buddle?
Not today.
Oh! The lady emerged
from slumber.
No!
I am taking two Xanax and
I'm going back to bed.
I will see you all tomorrow.
It's 11:30 in the morning.
Good night.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
[ Paper ripping ]
Only one sleep left
till Christmas.
Just gotta give me one morning
where this isn't how I wake up.
You want to sing
our Christmas song?
No, Mark, I just woke up.
Oh.
Dad says you can have this...
this thing if you want.
- Oh.
- Christmas is finally here!
Santa rules!
Jesus Christ.
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Television playing
indistinctly ]
Hey, bud.
What are we thinking
for Christmas dinner?
You know, we should
probably make a list
and get to the store before
it gets too busy and...
[ Woman moans ]
What is going on?
- What?
- This is not okay, Mark.
- [ Sighs ]
- What the hell's going on?
This.
This is going on.
Oh. It's fine.
Yeah, it's fine.
In what world is
this not a big deal?
- This world.
- Mark!
There is no yelling
in this house!
You are supposed to be
setting boundaries for Mark.
This is completely
inappropriate.
And you don't shame him.
He's exploring his sexuality.
He's watching porn on
the family television.
You do not get to waltz in
here and make him feel bad
for doing something
that's completely natural.
Natural? Yeah.
Yeah. Animals watch each
other have sex all the time.
I love a good old-fashioned
squirrel gangbang, Dad!
In this house, we are allowed
to do anything we want
as long as we're
not hurting anyone.
- Yeah, we do what we want.
- Okay, great.
Well, you know
what I want to do?
This. This is
what I want to do.
Don't fucking hurt anybody.
This! See?
I'm not hurting anybody, am I?!
[ Grunting and stomping ]
There you go. System works.
Do whatever you want.
I want to watch porn.
Well, you can't.
'Cause the Grinch here destroys
everything that makes us happy.
Well, maybe the Grinch
wouldn't be so mean
if the Who people weren't
constantly singing about
what a piece of shit he is!
That's a really good point.
I am leaving
while I still have my dignity.
Hard to believe
she's still single.
[ Door slams ]
Aah! Fucking damn it!
[ Grunts ]
Fuck.
[ Deep voice ] Ho, ho, ho!
You're gonna wind up on the
naughty list, little girl.
Just... give me a break.
[ Normal voice ] I brought my
stuff so I can spend the night.
Just like old times.
I'll be in in a minute.
Oh, how'd that thing
with your agent turn out?
- Terrible.
- Oh, shit. Sorry.
I guess you won't be in slow
motion anytime soon, huh?
[ Laughs ]
[ Deep voice ] I'm
in sloooooooooow
motion.
I brought my baaag.
[ Normal voice ] Okay.
[ Deep voice ] See you inside.
[ Normal voice ]
See you inside.
[ Door opens ]
Damn. What happened
to the cable box?
Hey, you still using
that star decoration,
or can I have it?
Unless it's too broken,
'cause then I don't want it.
I just want to have a
nice Christmas, Larry.
Is that too much to ask?
I don't fucking think so.
So I'm gonna let
this fuel me, Larry.
I'm gonna let this
power me through
to make a nice fucking dinner
so we can have one happy memory
to stack up against the mountain
of bullshit, Larry.
Do you hear me?
I didn't hear a
single word you said.
Yeah, I lost most of my
hearing to, uh, polio.
My parents let me have it.
Can I get the star
decoration, though?
Do you mind tossing
it over the fence?
I'm really tired from stripping
copper piping from the hospital.
Where are you going?
[ "O Come All Ye
Faithful" plays ]
Joyful and triumphant
O come ye, O come
ye to Bethlehem
So obviously no pressure
or anything, but...
any chance you've gotten
to read my screenplay yet?
- Oh, no, sorry.
- I haven't gotten to it yet.
Oh, of course. No worries.
Do you think you'll
read it tonight or...?
Oh, um...
I don't know. Maybe.
'Cause I'm just super
excited for you to read it.
Yeah, no, I know.
You know, I'd probably
be reading it now
if I didn't have to
get dinner ready.
- Really?
- Yeah, of course.
Oh, well, then I-I can take
care of dinner from here.
Oh, no, it's too much.
No, seriously.
I got it from here on out,
if you want to go
give it a read.
Uh, um...
Okay.
Awesome.
Uh...
Sounds good.
All right.
Here I go.
O come let us adore Him
O come
[ Thud ]
"The Pennyworth
Chronicles Volume One."
[ Sighs ] God help me.
198 pages?
For fuck's sake.
Oh.
- [ British accent ]
- "It was no normal house
that the Pennyworths had built
atop that hill in
the middle of London.
But mind you, the Pennyworths
were no normal family.
Love?
Oh, I don't know.
What is love, really,
but a four-letter word for pain?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you the
mystery of electromagnetics.
And as the rain pours down
on the hull of the spaceship
where they stand, he
kisses her gently,
but in a rush, like the waves
kiss the beach on a calm day.
Waves that made
her vagina tingle.
It was the house. It
was always the house.
The secret wasn't in the house.
The secret was the house.
And as the children
watched the forest burn
along with their dreams, the
flames lighting their faces
like the lamps on
an ancient stage,
they knew that the worst of
them had the most to lose,
but the best of them
would never let go.
And somewhere in between,
they finally answered
the question...
What is a Penny truly Worth?"
[ Sniffles ]
[ Softly ] "Fin."
It's the best thing
I've ever read.
What the fuck?!
Done already?
It takes most people four hours
because I rarely use
paragraph breaks.
- It's really good.
- [ Gasps ]
Well, did you think
it was too much
how I turned the
twins into cyborgs?
No, it's perfect.
You broke all the rules
and still made something...
amazing.
I'm so glad you liked it.
And dinner's almost ready.
You look so pretty.
Oh. Thanks.
I'm gonna go set the table.
[ Techno music playing
through headphones ]
You're setting the table?
Gotta make things
look nice for dinner.
Duh.
- Okay, good.
- I'm gonna go get Dad.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Oh, hey, can you lift
this up here for me?
Yeah.
- Dinner's ready.
- Oh, excellent.
I am going to go
ham on some turkey.
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, Dad, uh...
About earlier...
I'm sorry.
It's not up to me what you do,
what either of you guys do.
It's just...
[sighs] I don't know.
I think I'm just putting
my shit onto you,
and I'm not even here anymore.
That's not fair.
I shouldn't be like that.
I guess I just miss you guys,
and I'm afraid you and Mark
are gonna devolve into a
"Grey Gardens" situation
if I don't do something.
[ Voice breaking ] And I'm
afraid I'm wasting my life
and I don't know
what to do anymore.
And I just, um...
I don't want to fight
with you. I'm sorry.
Hey, hey, come on.
[ Sighs ]
Hey, about... about this
morning with the TV thing,
- the... the porn thing.
- You don't have to...
Oh, no, I'm not gonna apologize.
Okay.
I just want to tell you a story.
All right.
Yeah. Uh...
When your mom was
pregnant with Mark,
um, you girls were
still very little,
and...
doctors were just starting to
test for the genetic markers
for conditions
like what Mark has.
So, uh, we had
some routine tests.
Then, uh, we were brought
back for some more,
and then we were brought
back for even more.
Till finally, uh, this
doctor comes in and he goes,
"I'm sorry.
The results are in.
Your baby has a
developmental disability.
I'm really sorry."
And I remember he just
kept saying he was sorry.
And then...
he told us to prepare to
terminate the pregnancy.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
It was right then I knew
I was not gonna let my son
apologize for his life, ever.
He's not sorry. I'm not sorry.
Nobody needs to be sorry.
There's not a fucking
thing to be sorry about.
What'd you say to the doctor?
I told him to go
back to Nazi Germany
with his final-solution
bullshit.
[ Chuckles ]
Then I punched him
in the clavicle.
- [ Laughs ] The clavicle?
- Yeah. It's a stunt movie.
Oh, it was a beauty. I
wish you'd been there.
I am just so goddamn proud
of you little fuckers.
The three of you are the best,
the best thing that's
ever happened to me.
And with the comedy thing,
I-I know you're not
where you want to be.
I am so proud of you.
Thanks, Dad.
And, uh, I know you don't
want to take my advice.
That's not true.
No. Yeah, that's totally true.
Yeah, well, listen.
Do not let anyone
control your happiness.
Okay? Once you do,
they've got you.
Okay.
Okay.
[ Sniffles ]
You know you gotta
sell the house, Dad.
[ Exhales ]
I know.
I know.
Hey, what do you say we, uh,
we go shotgun some
cranberry sauce?
- [ Chuckles ] Okay.
- Okay.
[ Door opens ]
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
And so then the guy says,
"Doc, how long do I have
to stop masturbating?"
And the doctor says,
"Well, at least till I
finish the examination."
[ Laughter ]
[ Wheezes ]
You're not funny.
Hey, come on.
What do you think Michelle
gets her humor from?
Certainly not from your mother.
What she lacks in humor,
she makes up for with
rock-hard fruitcake.
Oh, oh! Do you remember
when Dad dressed up
like an elf for mom?
- [ Laughter ]
- Oh, no.
That's... You're misremembering.
Yeah, we would always have
pancakes before presents.
We gotta do that this year.
You know, when I
was cleaning up, uh,
I saw that costume. It's
around here somewhere.
- No!
- It is.
- Dad!
- Mm! Sounds like we're doing
- elf pancakes this year.
- Yeah, you wish.
Now, if we could just get
it to snow on Christmas
for once, we'd be set.
Oh, that's not gonna happen.
Yeah, all we've got is Dad's
dry, dead bushes
in the backyard.
- Hey.
- Sorry, Dad.
Why, God, whyyyy?
Whyyyy, God?
I'll tell you, if
there is a God,
I'm gonna get them to answer
for the total lack of
fucking snow, trust me.
This conversation just took
a weird religious turn.
- All right.
- Weird religious angles
are what the holidays
are all about.
- And mindless consumerism.
- Mm!
I think it's all about everybody
and everybody's weakest goals.
Everybody and their
weakest goals?
Yeah.
I don't know what that means.
Oh, okay. Like... all right.
I-I'm trying to get into
"RuPaul's Drag Race."
I can't do it. It's
just not grabbing me.
Okay. All right.
So my weakest goal is that
my New Year's resolution
is going be to lose two pounds.
Um, my weakest goal is
to finally unpack my bag
from when I flew to
Cincinnati last month.
Now you guys are finally
getting what Christmas
is all about.
I say Christmas is about
you kids remembering shit
I told you to do for once
in your goddamn lives.
I changed my mind.
Christmas is all about
- singing Christmas songs.
- Oh!
What? I-I've never
heard of this before.
I knew that was coming.
But we gotta do it tonight.
I'll go start the fire.
- Oh, no!
- Okay.
If there's one thing
this family can agree on,
it's that Toto's "Hold the Line"
is the greatest
song of all time.
[ Playing "Hold the Line" ]
It's not in the way
that you hold me
It's not in the way
you say you care
It's not in the way you've
been treating my friends
It's not in the way that
you'll stay till the end
It's not in the
way that you look
Or the things that
you say that you'll do
Hold the line
Love isn't always on time
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Hold the line
Love isn't always on time
Whoa, whoa, whoa
It's not in the words
that you told me, girl
It's not in the way
you say you're mine
Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh
It's not in the way
that you came back to me
It's not in the way that
your love set me free
It's not in the
way that you look
Or the things that
you say that you'll do
Hold the line
Love isn't always on time
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Hold the line
Love isn't always on time
Whoa, whoa, whoa
[ Plays kazoo ]
Hold the line
Love isn't always on time
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Hold the line
Love isn't always on time
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Hold the line
[ Drumming stops ]
Will you please
shut the fuck up?!
Merry Christmas to you, too...
asshole!
[ Chuckles ]
[ Vehicle approaching ]
Hey, look who's
here. [ Chuckles ]
- Nice job on guitar.
- Thanks.
You guys wanna...?
[ Laughs ]
Hey, yeah, sure.
Yeah, but I gotta get
some rolling papers
from the store first.
Ooh, pick up some wine
while you're at it.
Mark, you want to come with?
- Duh!
- Okay.
[ Sighs ]
Help!
Oh, my God. Help! Oh!
[ Dramatic music plays ]
I told him that we shouldn't.
Shouldn't what?
Oh, fuck.
Oh. Come on.
Uh, yes. Uh, hello.
My father collapsed.
Yeah. I knew it was a bad idea.
Uh, that's what I'm trying
to find out right now.
- What happened?
- We were trying something.
- W-Were you having sex?
- I guess we were about to.
Well, now isn't the
time to... to be shy.
Whatever it was,
you gotta tell me.
- What were you about to do?
- The anal pile driver.
- On Christmas?!
- He said that's what
the holidays were all about.
- Oh, my God!
- And he really loves it.
Okay, I got it.
But it takes
strength and finesse.
Understood! Thank you!
He used to be able to
do all those things!
- Jesus Christ!
- Why are you still talking?!
Um, yeah, my father collapsed
while he was having sex.
Please hurry.
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Paramedic radio chatter ]
[ Siren wails ]
Awful habit.
I always bite my nails
when I'm nervous.
Wh-What do you do
to cope with stress?
I don't know. I, um, get high.
Then I get drunk and...
then take a Xanax.
Repeat the cycle until I
feel better or I pass out.
Well...
I-I guess everyone has
their own little quirks.
What happened?!
So Dad had liver failure.
Those fucking beers.
Mark, I need to talk to
you about something, okay?
Okay.
Dad needs to have a
blood transfusion.
Okay.
And they don't have the
right kind of blood for him
right now at the hospital.
Do you understand?
- Yeah.
- But you actually have
the right kind of blood to
be able to give some to Dad.
- Okay.
- So would you be okay
if the doctors took
some of your blood
and then gave it to him?
Okay, I can do it.
- Don't worry.
- It won't hurt at all.
Okay. I'm gonna find the
doctor and let her know.
- Michelle?
- Yeah?
After I give my blood to Dad...
Yeah?
How long until I die?
- About 15 minutes.
- What?
No, she's just joking!
You don't die after
giving your blood.
That's good.
You would have done
it without question.
You're the bravest of
all of us. You know that?
[ Sighs ]
All right, enough of the
Hallmark Channel moment.
I'm gonna go see if I
can find the doctor.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
I'm sorry.
Don't fucking apologize.
[ Sobbing ]
Goddamn it, Dad.
There is someone here who
can help you with handling...
I'm not in charge here.
We gotta get out of here.
[ Sad music plays ]
[ Muffled ] I said I don't want
to talk about it right now.
You can't do that with every
serious conversation
that comes up.
Yeah, well, sorry.
I've got a career that
I've had for awhile now,
and it's important to me.
Oh, you just love to
just drop in and drop out
whenever you want,
and the rest of us
have to stay here and clean up.
Do we have to figure
it out right now?
Yes! Someone has to
start taking care of him
right a-fucking-way, so I
don't see how this can wait.
Okay, well, we'll
sell the house,
and then you can use the
money to figure out...
It's not about the money!
It's about the work!
It's about showing up!
What am I supposed to do?
Get some fucking lame job
that I hate, like you?
[ Gasps ]
You are so selfish.
I didn't have kids for a reason.
Okay? I-I can't take him.
I just... I-I can't
take the responsibility.
No, you didn't have a kid
because you were scared
of having a kid
with a disability.
I'm sorry that I wanted
to do something else
with my life other
than be a caretaker.
I've been taking care of
everything since forever!
And no one has ever asked
me what I wanted, you know?
You knew this was
part of the deal.
No, you knew this
was part of the deal.
I've been trying to talk
to you about it all week.
You do your jokes.
[ Sighs ]
Well, I can't believe
you won't take him.
I can't believe you won't.
Well, then I guess he's just
gonna live on the street.
- Nice.
- Okay, so make sure that
you give him some
food when you see him
pushing his shopping
cart down the alley.
You know what?
Come to think of it, never mind.
Because I doubt
that he could even
figure out how to do that.
Oh, Mark. Fuck.
- She was just joking.
- She's not...
[ Voice breaking ]
She doesn't mean it.
[ Door opens and slams ]
Good one.
- [ Crying ]
- Oh, shut the fuck up.
[ Sighs ]
[ Line ringing ]
[ Coughs ]
- Please leave a message.
- [ Beep ]
Hey, it's me.
[ Sighs ] We need your help.
[ Sighs ]
[ Smoke alarm beeping ]
Oh, shit!
[ Beeping continues ]
O... kay.
[ Beeping continues ]
They got burned.
That's okay.
[ Beeping continues ]
[ Sizzling ]
- [ Beeping stops ]
- I was making breakfast.
I know, bud. It's okay.
What the hell?
We're gonna have a
non-traditional breakfast
this year.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
Look, last night was
straight garbage.
We didn't mean any of it.
It's okay.
No, it's not okay.
We suck.
We're just... sad.
You know?
It's okay.
We gotta have each
other's backs from now on.
So I don't want any more
bullshit out of anyone.
And that includes me.
We should do presents.
Well, let's see
what Santa got us.
Michelle.
Mark.
[ "O Holy Night"
plays in background ]
Cool.
Thanks, Dad.
Great. Now all I need is
a gun, and I'm all set.
Yes!
This is a good one.
"Dick! The Halls: Volume Seven."
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
Oh, my God, Shell, look.
Holy shit.
- It's Dad.
- You know it's Dad.
He finally got it
to snow for us.
We hear you, Dad.
Um... I don't think so.
That's not snow.
Oh. Holy shit.
I'm calling 911.
- Wait.
- What?
What did Dad say
Christmas was all about?
Remembering shit
he told us to do
for once in our goddamn lives.
And what do we do in
the event of a fire?
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
[ Techno music plays ]
Wow.
[ Air horn blows ]
[ Laughter ]
That was really cool.
[ Vehicle approaching ]
Oh, I bet that's Sharon.
Merry Christmas.
- Mom?
- Hello.
I brought gifts.
Walmart gift card for Andrea.
For Mark.
You.
Now, who wants some of
Mom's famous fruitcake?
Michelle called. She
told me what happened.
But I don't want you to worry.
Everything is going to be okay.
Although it looks like
I got here just in time.
- We had a rough couple days.
- Cut us some slack.
Mark, be a darling.
Go to the car. Fetch my bag.
I'm moving in immediately
to look after you.
What about Rob the dentist?
This isn't exactly
burgers in paradise.
He's retired, so we thought
we would move in here
for a while to look after Mark.
Unless either one of you are
planning to take care of him.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
Well, that's what I thought.
I'll take him if he wants.
So will I.
[ Laughs ]
That's absurd.
Neither of you are fit
to take care of a
houseplant, even a cactus.
Well, obviously,
I'm gonna try harder
than I did with that cactus.
- [ Door opens ]
- Hey, everybody.
Merry Christmas.
- Who the hell are you?
- Mom, this is Sharon.
- She's a p...
- No!
She is a sex worker.
What?
I was going to say she's
a part of the family.
Oh. Shit.
- I can be both.
- I can't believe this.
Mark, I have a really important
question to ask you, okay?
Okay.
Who do you want to be
your legal guardian?
Um...
Groot.
- No, man.
- Not "Guardians of the Galaxy."
Like, who do you
want to live with?
Oh.
You.
Okay. Go get your stuff.
This is outrageous.
He should be living
here with me.
Well, we're selling
the house, so...
- W-W-W-What?
- No matter how good
your intentions
are, at some point,
people need to be able to
make decisions for themselves
about what their
life's gonna be.
We're never coming home, right?
Right.
Mom, this is happening.
Tell Rob I said Merry Christmas
and to have a margarita for me.
- You can tell him yourself.
- He's in the car.
You've been in here for
like an hour and a half.
Rob, we're going
back to Florida!
Come in here and help me
pack up this damn cake!
Hey.
Can I come along, too?
[ Scoffs ]
Obviously.
Come on.
Hey!
I wanted to give you this.
Thank you.
Hey, Rob.
Hey, Michelle.
You can have these if you want.
[ Chuckles ]
One of the bulbs is burnt out,
so the whole strand is no good.
That's not how it works anymore.
Oh. Live and learn.
Hey, what the hell
is all of this?
- We're leaving, Larry.
- For good.
For good?
I'll never forget you.
Farewell.
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
So where are we going?
[ Sighs ]
You know...
that's a good question.
[ Sighs ]
[ Engine starts ]
Who am I without you?
I don't know that man.
And so then I looked
at him and I said,
"That sounds like
a weak goal to me."
[ Laughter ]
That's what I said.
Thank you so much. You
guys have been great.
Good night, Atlanta!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let's keep it going for
my favorite comedian
and least favorite roommate,
Michelle Van de Shall!
Her run of the show just got
extended by another week,
so if you had fun
tonight, tell a friend.
And if you didn't, nobody
gives a shit what you think.
- Ooh!
- Hey.
We ran right on time tonight,
even with intermission
running long.
I told you you're not
the stage manager.
You can't be back here.
Copy that. Standing by.
Sharon, I'm gonna need all
the glow tape back. It's mine.
I think she's
jealous of your job.
Merch sales were
retarded tonight.
What the fuck did I tell
you about saying that?
- I'm taking the word back.
- [ Sighs ]
I mean... power to you, man.
And there's a group from
Special Olympics here.
So if you don't mind,
I'm gonna go mingle
with some ladies.
Very cool. Enjoy.
I will.
You know it, Shelly.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
Hey, Anj. Wait up!
[ The New Anxiety's "All
on Christmas" plays ]
Every year reluctantly
We hang the lights
and trim the tree
Just another Christmastime
Unpacking all the
winter clothes
While cold wind seeps
through old windows
Just another Christmastime
But soon we find the house
filled with the scent of pine
And it reminds us
of a simpler time
Of a simpler time
Gone away till holidays
Bring back old
friends and family
We revel in the old clichs
All on Christmas,
all on Christmas Day
Every year about this time
We hear the
melodies and rhymes
Of a million Christmas songs
So we dust off
the old guitars
Start to hum a couple bars
Of another Christmas song
And then we go into
our bustling studio
Where we recall the
meaning of it all
The meaning of it all
Gone away till holidays
Bring back old
friends and family
To revel in the old clichs
On Christmas, on Christmas
On Christmas Day
On Christmas Day
On Christmas Day
On Christmas Day
On Christmas Day
[ Blowing raspberries ]
[ Chuckles and blows raspberry ]
[ Instrumental "O
Christmas Tree" plays ]
Hey, Shelly.
I got this thing you sent me.
It's pretty good.
It tastes like
cinnamon or almonds.
One of the five.
[ Crunches ]
So, what you doing over there?
Standing around with your
butt between your legs?
Shelly's in Los Angeles.
City of Angels.
That's far away.
Dad says it's a shithole.
[ John Driskell Hopkins & The Joe Gransden
Big Band's "Jolly Old Saint Nicholas" plays ]
Jolly old Saint Nicholas
Lean your ear this way
Don't you tell a single soul
What I'm going to say
I'd love to, but
I'm running late.
Christmas Eve
is coming soon
Now, you dear old man
Come on.
Whisper what
you'll bring to me
You're strong,
beautiful goddesses.
This is effortless.
Remember to breathe.
When I'm fast asleep
Down the chimney
broad and black
- With your pack you'll creep
- You look different.
Oh, girl, I got my
eyelids Botoxed.
- I knew it. You look so good.
- Thank you.
I no longer have
peripheral vision.
Give your cat a natural diet
like it would have in
the wild. [ Chuckles ]
Give your cat a natural diet.
Give your cat a natural diet
like it would have in the wild.
Try our all-beef perfect
bl... perfect blend.
Give your cat a natural diet
like it would have in the wild.
Try our all-beef
"purrfect" blend.
That was honestly beautiful.
You really think a cat could
take down a cow in the wild?
- We'll let you know.
- Hey.
Did I see you the other
night at the Comedy Factory
doing, like, improv skits?
Yeah, that was me.
You're really funny.
You should think about
doing that for a living.
Thanks.
I'll consider that.
Can I get an Impossible
Whopper with, uh,
no cheese and no mayo?
Sorry. My window doesn't work.
Hey, guys. Welcome
to the show.
We are Rock, Paper, Laughter.
Happy holidays.
What ever happened
to Merry Christmas,
you harlot?
- Oh, it...
- it's still a thing, sir.
This is just a way for us to...
You know what? Never mind.
Who's heard of improv?
[ Microphone
feedback screeches ]
Fantastic.
Becky wants a picture book
Yellow, blue, and red
Now I think I'll
leave to you
What you give the rest
Choose for me,
dear Santa Claus
You will know
The best
- Oh, my God.
- It's been a hell of a day.
I've got one for
the board, though.
- Let me hear it.
- Okay. It's a good one.
"Elaine, 45, beaten
down by life.
Not attractive, but
not ugly, just plain.
She is quick to anger,
definitely not athletic.
That is so perfect for you.
- Oh, my God. Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, God, I hate auditioning.
I just want to do
live shows, you know?
Well, how was yours?
- Well, I got bumped...
- Ugh,
uh, for a guy who
dresses up like a hot dog
and then does a
hot three minutes
about whether a hot dog
is a sandwich or not.
- What?
- Oh, and then Mr. Corduroy
with the husky from Tinder.
We were supposed
to meet tonight.
- Of course he ghosted.
- So you just stayed home
- watching murder shows?
- Obviously.
I cannot wait to
get out of this town
and see my folks and just...
Shit, hon. I'm sorry.
Dude, just 'cause
my family sucks
doesn't mean you
can't enjoy yours.
I was actually thinking
about it today,
and I realized that
the one and only thing
that we can all agree on
is that Toto is the
best band of all time.
Weren't they, like,
one-hit wonders?
- What? No.
- [ Laughs ]
Sorry.
I've... I've obviously
offended you.
- Mm. It's okay.
- You know, we're turning
into the craziest kind
of roommates, right?
Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?
In just a few short years,
we'll be firmly in
"Golden Girls" territory,
and then all I gotta worry about
is nights out at the Lions Club
and dating widowers.
Dude, I would murder to
bang a widower right now.
[ Laughs ] Gross.
Well, there are young widowers.
- That's true.
- But you want an old one.
I want an old one, like, brittle
and, like, easily influenced.
[ Both laugh ]
I cut the crusts
off his sandwich.
[ Laughing ] Gross.
[ Instrumental "O
Christmas Tree" plays ]
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Ugh.
- Fuck.
- Hey, Shell!
We never seem to be on the
same schedule these days.
I miss my sis.
Miss da sista. [ Laughs ]
Anyway, look, I know
it's been a few years
since you came home for
Christmas and everything,
and so I figured you're
probably not planning
on coming this
year either, but...
- Here we go.
- Manipulation in three, two...
Well, Dad had a fall,
and he's not doing good.
I really need your help.
Anyways, the real
reason I'm calling
is 'cause I finished
my screenplay
and it's already in your inbox.
It's seriously so good.
Oh, and I'm super into thinking
about my brand right now.
Would you describe me as
"The Crow" meets
"Legally Blonde"?
- What about Dad?
- You want to get back to that?
Things here are crazy.
We also need to talk about Mark.
Who's gonna take care of him?
So either come home
for a visit or call me.
Also, most importantly, don't
forget to read my screenplay.
Fuck.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way
Oh, what a time to have some
fun riding on the sleigh
Welcome to Atlanta, where
the local time is 9:17 a.m.
- Thank you for flying with us.
- Dancing down a snowy path
And singing all the way
The snow's coming down
It brightens the spirit with
fun being had all around
The sparkling sound of bells
when you hear it brings joy
- Five.
- Oh, jingle bells
Five more sleeps
until Christmas.
Come along, we'll
have some fun
Riding on a sleigh
Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way
Oh, what fun, oh,
what fun, oh, what fun
On Christmas Day
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
Oh, what fun we'll
have Christmas Day
[ Mutters indistinctly ]
[ Cellphone beeps ] Yes, Phil?
Michelle!
Did I just see you
on Rodeo Drive?
No, Phil, I'm in
Atlanta right now.
The Peach State. I love it.
Hey, do you have, like, a
reel of funny characters?
That's, like, the
only thing I have.
Great, because, uh,
"SNL" is looking
for a new cast
member in a hurry.
They are desperate and
they're looking for women.
And, you know, both
those things...
very much in your favor.
- "Saturday Night Live"?
- Holy shit.
I don't know if they're
looking for, like, fat funny
or like, you know,
skinny sexy funny.
But, hey, either way,
great time to be a woman
in comedy. [ Laughs ]
Okay, uh... cool.
So, um, things will
move pretty fast.
Uh, we have to stay in
constant communication.
Get me that reel of you
doing funny characters.
All right? And... And please,
- very funny.
- You got it.
Oh, oh, wait, one
more thing, Phil.
Uh... [ Cellphone beeps ]
Uh, that's my sister,
but it's fine.
- I'll just call her back.
- Uh, call me back after.
- I promise I'll pick up.
- Are you sure, Phil?
'Cause for a guy whose job
it is to answer the phone,
like, you never do that.
- No, that's not true.
- Look, I'll prove it.
I will pick up immediately.
It won't even ring.
Okay, thanks.
This couldn't wait?
I'm like a block
away from the house.
- Is everything okay with Dad?
- Oh, yeah.
He's just stockpiling
canned goods in his shed.
How exactly is he doing that
if he's hurt from his fall?
Oh, I'd say his injuries
are mostly psychological.
Andrea, you told me that he
wasn't doing well at all.
I meant mentally.
- Oh, my God!
- I'm gonna kill you.
Okay. What was so urgent
that you had to blow up my
phone while I'm driving?
So I have this great idea
for a new screenplay.
Imagine, like, a really
gritty reboot of "Garfield."
Like... what's he willing
to do for that lasagna?
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Screams ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Line ringing ]
- Hey, it's Phil.
- You know what to do.
Fuck!
[ Engine starts ]
First Noel, the...
[ Brakes squeak ]
Poor shepherds in
fields as they lay
Fuck. [ Sighs ]
In fields where they
On a cold winter's night
She's a fucking
screenwriter now?
W-Who even knows about
Garfield and fucking lasagna?
- [ Squealing ]
- Oh, "I hate Mondays."
What the fuck? Jesus Christ.
- Oh, my God.
- Noel, Noel
[ Engine shuts off ]
The star returns!
Would you just help
me with my bags?
The ones in the back or
the ones under your eyes?
[ Laughs ]
Seriously, though, did
you not get any sleep
on the plane or what?
Please, just cool it.
Somebody's in a good mood.
Just help me with
my stuff, okay?
Okay. [ Laughs ]
[ Sighs ]
Service with a smile.
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
It's good to see you.
Yeah, it's good to see you, too.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, did you read my screenplay?
You sent it to me yesterday.
I know, but I thought
you might have read it
on the plane since you
obviously didn't get any sleep.
What the hell are you back for?
Oh. Hi, Larry.
Good to see you, Larry.
Oh, is it good to see Larry?
I don't even like to see Larry.
Ol' Larry, who farted too
hard in the fourth grade
and everybody called
him "Shit Pants Larry"
till he was 25 years old.
What are you dirty punks up to?
You're my age, Larry.
Why do you gotta act
like such an old man?
For some of us, time exists!
All right? I age.
Gracefully. Naturally.
Unlike you Hollywood pedophiles.
We went to
kindergarten together.
- Eh.
- Don't antagonize him.
Just stating the facts.
Before we go in, we should talk.
I need you to help me to
convince Dad to sell this place.
Why would I do that?
So we can use the
money, you know,
to set him up someplace
with more support.
And Mark. I don't know.
What are you talking about?
Dad can't take care
of this place anymore.
He can't take care
of himself or Mark.
We're gonna have to
figure something out.
Okay. I'm just gonna
stop you right there
because you've lost a little
bit of credibility here.
So I'm gonna go in and assess
the situation for myself.
Okay.
I mean, it's not that bad.
Are you kidding?
Just needs a little bit
of straightening up.
Oh, my God.
Okay, whatever.
[ Techno music plays ]
Oh, oh. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Hey! What the...?
- Shelly!
- Hey, bud!
- I've missed you so much.
- I know. Me too.
Why'd you turn off my food?
You can't put tinfoil
in the microwave, man.
I always do.
- I can see that.
- Mm-hmm.
- Where's Dad?
- He's in the shed.
- Stacking water.
- So he's okay?
He's gotten really into
the whole doomsday thing.
- [ Alarm blaring ]
- Uh-oh.
Oh, shit.
Survival drill!
Time to lock down our shit!
It's the end of the world!
Aaaaah!
- Get all of the INCH bags!
- All of the INCH bags!
Hey, Dad.
Oh. Hi... Hi, honey.
[ Alarm continues blaring ]
Good. You're... You're
here. Help me with this.
Uh, with what, exactly?
Come on. Come on!
Dad, Andrea said
you had a bad fall.
I tripped. A tiny bruise.
Ugh, she's like a one-woman
episode of "This is Us."
You're okay? Like, really?
With environmental destruction,
return to fascism,
overpopulation,
society's being
pushed to the brink.
It's only a matter of time
before we break down into
bands of roving warlords.
- So you're okay?
- Nobody's okay.
What a heartwarming thought.
[ Alarm continues blaring ]
Everyone have their
radiation pills?
Wait, so this is a
nuclear-attack scenario,
and your number-one concern
is camouflaging the shed?
- Do you have your INCH bags?
- What the shit is an INCH bag?
It's an acronym.
It stands for, "I'm
Never Coming Home."
Yeah.
It's kind of like
whatever bag you packed
the last time you left.
[ Chuckles ]
Wow.
Okay.
Sick burn, Dad.
- You know what?
- Give me a break, Mark.
And Dad, chill out.
And for the record, if
the world were ending,
this is the last place
I'd want to be stuck.
- Same.
- Same.
All I want is for
you all to survive.
The only threat to my
survival at this moment
is that I'm considering
killing myself
because this conversation
is so insane.
All right. What are you
gonna do if there's a fire?
Put it out.
I mean specifically
in this house,
what steps are
you going to take?
I don't know.
Right here, there is a lock box,
and it is full of
fire-safety equipment.
You have to work like a team,
or we will all burn to death.
There's a fine line
between survival
and the coroner sifting
through our charred remains.
- The fuck, Dad?
- So, Andrea, you are going
- to get the keys.
- Sweet. I got the easy job.
Michelle, you open
up this bad boy,
and you hand out the equipment.
Mark, you are going to
get the fire extinguisher,
and you just spray the
shit out of everything.
Aye aye, Cap'n Butthead!
The keys are gonna be
right in here, got it?
- Got it!
- Got it.
- Any questions?
- I have a question.
Why does this box
need to be locked?
I mean, isn't it wasting
valuable seconds in this inferno
we suddenly find ourselves in?
I need a beer.
Yeah, me too.
I don't think
casual day drinking
is a good example
to set for Mark.
Hey, stop being so dramatic.
Why don't you just take your
stuff up to your old room?
It's an office now.
The couch opens up.
I'm being dramatic?
You just described
in great detail
how we're all gonna
burn to death.
- Hey, it's Phil.
- You know what to do.
You see what I'm saying?
I don't know. Maybe.
- Just give me a minute, okay?
- You got it.
No talking by me for
60 seconds starting...
now!
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
- Hello?
- Hey.
- [ Sighs ]
- Oh, shit. What's going on?
I can't tell if my idiot sister
is blowing things
out of proportion
or if there's really a problem.
So I'm staying through
Christmas, I guess.
I'm gonna try to
figure everything out,
and then I'm flying right back.
Good, because it is fucking
blowing up out here.
I mean, motherfucking "SNL."
- Yeah. Somebody got fired?
- Yeah. Apparently
some cast member made a joke
about Chinese democracy.
- Shit.
- Apparently they want
a new woman right away,
so everyone is going
in for it, even me.
Well, good luck to us both.
May the odds be
ever in our favor.
You are such a nerd.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
- There, Shelly.
- Let me help you.
Thanks, Marco.
[ Grunts ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Metal clanging ]
Oh, I can't do this right now.
[ Sighs ]
It's like this.
Did you do this?
Hey, man.
Why are you squeezing
me so tight?
Four more sleeps
until Christmas.
Mark, what the hell?
I'm still sleeping.
Oops. Sorry.
No sorry. Just leavey.
Hey, you want to sing
our Christmas song?
- No, Marco.
- I'm still on LA time.
I want to sleep. Get out!
Geez.
You don't gotta
fart my head off.
[ Mutters ]
Oh, good morning, Shel.
Hey, Dad.
You know, uh,
I'm really glad you're here.
Yeah, thanks. Me too.
Look, Dad, how you doing?
Like, really?
I ever tell you about my
friend Michael Buddle?
Only every time
we've ever spoken
for as long as I can remember.
He was a really good actor.
He was also very smart.
Uh, we met at college.
Yeah, I know, Dad, but, like,
how was everything around
the house and stuff?
Eventually he dropped
out of college
because he wanted to
pursue acting full-time.
Because, you know,
if you need help
with anything,
you could tell me.
I told him it was a mistake.
Of course, he didn't make
much money from acting.
[ Sputters ] Well,
you know how that is.
That is so gross.
Did Fox News tell
you to eat that?
That's conservative media.
I'm a libertarian.
What's the goddamn difference?
I believe in global warming.
I just don't want the government
to do anything about it.
- Wow.
- So do you want to hear
what happened to Michael Buddle?
- He got sick.
- He got sick,
and he didn't have
any health insurance.
So you know what
happened to him?
- He died.
- His heart exploded.
The doctor said if only
they had caught it sooner.
You know, Dad, to me,
that story is more
of an indictment
of our broken health care
system than anything else,
because I know it is
certainly not life advice
from a man who is drinking beer
and raw eggs for breakfast.
All I'm saying is
people make choices,
and depending on what
those choices are,
they sometimes die.
Okay. Um...
Maybe some holiday decorations
will increase
morale around here.
Do you have any
Christmas lights?
No. Your mom took
them when she left.
I'm gonna get some,
because if this is potentially
our last holiday in the house,
we should do it right.
What the hell are
you talking about?
Uh, Andrea seems to think
that you need to get
rid of this place.
Yeah, well, Andrea
answers the phone
in a Shakespearean accent,
so maybe we shouldn't
put so much stock
into what Andrea says.
- Yeah, but...
- This is my home!
I bought it.
I have lived here for
30 years. Mark, too.
We are not gonna leave just
because Andrea thinks we should.
- Yeah, I know, but...
- I am not some sick old man!
I still have plenty of
fighting years left.
They will take this house
from my cold, dead hands.
Okay, then.
I'm gonna go for a run
and pick up some stuff
on the off chance
that anybody cares!
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
[ Door opens ]
Nice! I didn't know you ran.
- Runner's high, am I right?
- No.
The runner's high is a myth,
just like the female orgasm.
- Got it. Oh.
- Can I have one of those drinks?
Sure.
- Thank you.
- So I talked to Dad.
Yeah, I-I know he's against it,
but you gotta understand...
Oh. Boy, that is spicy.
It's a sparkling water.
It's got some kick.
Okay, so what do I
gotta understand?
- [ Coughs ]
- Damn, that is spicy as hell.
Are you done?
Okay. Yeah. Um...
So there's, like, a
financial component, right?
Like, property taxes
and whatever else.
And he's behind, so they're
gonna take it from him.
And obviously that's
not gonna go over well.
So I figure he should
just make the decision
on his own and cash
in while he can.
Maybe you could float
him a few bucks?
No!
Especially because I
don't think he and Mark
should be alone in
this house anymore!
Okay. God!
Keep it down.
Every conversation
doesn't need to be an
Oscar-winning moment, okay?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
But if there's a financial
component, I mean, that's that.
It'd suck balls, but there's
nothing you can do, I guess.
We also need to figure out
what Mark's gonna do, right?
Yeah. Look, let's just take
it one thing at a time, okay?
And we'll figure it out.
I love you.
You're a good sister.
I-I'm gonna go put
the groceries away.
- [ Dog barks ]
- I'm the dog...
Hey, Marco, I'm going to
get some Christmas lights.
- You want to come with me?
- Nah.
You can get your picture
taken with Santa.
Wouldn't that be fun?
Santa's not real.
You sound retarded.
What?!
Where did you hear that?
[ Television playing
indistinctly ]
Well, don't say it
anymore. It's a bad word.
You say "bitch."
When I say "bitch,"
it's different.
Like, I'm taking
it back. [ Sighs ]
Oh, God. I gotta
go back to LA.
- Okay. Okay.
- I was just kidding.
Why does everything have
to be so impossible?
- Santa's real.
- Let's go get a picture.
You just said Santa wasn't real.
I was just tricking you.
- Okay, you knucklehead.
- Let's go.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
Ooh, Merry Christmas, baby
Ooh-ooh-ooh
The only way you can get
your present this year
is if you say one nice
thing about each other.
- Oh.
- I love you. You're the best
- sister in the world.
- Uh-oh. That's a...
- You too!
- That's a good one.
You will get your
presents, I promise.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I'll see you next year.
- Bye.
- Goodbye. [ Chuckles heartily ]
Next!
Oh, here we go.
Oh, hell no. No, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
Ugh! My balls!
[ Strained ] Oh!
Okay, big guy.
What do you want for Christmas.
Tickets to see Toto.
Aren't they, like,
one-hit wonders?
- No.
- Okay, well, what about
something more realistic?
A job.
- A job?
- Yeah.
Okay, I'll see what I can do.
Oh, I got a buddy
who runs a Hooters.
Or!
- Or?
- A girlfriend.
You want a job or a girlfriend?
Yeah, but not both.
Well, why not?
I can't handle that
much responsibility.
- You and me both, brother.
- [ Chuckles ]
Let's hurry it up, hotshot.
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
Up on the housetop
reindeer pause
Out jumps good
old Santa Claus
Down through the chimney
with lots of toys
All for the little
ones, Christmas joys
Ho, ho, ho, who
wouldn't go?
Ho, ho, ho, who
wouldn't go?
Up on the housetop
click, click, click
Down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick
Down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick
[ Crickets chirping ]
[ Scoffs ]
Well, shit!
Come on, you little...
fuckers!
How's my awesome sister doing?
Well, I just spent two hours
putting these goddamn lights up,
and the cocksuckers don't work.
Have you tried plugging them in?
Yeah.
Tell me you have weed.
Let's go.
- Hey.
- Yeah?
Should we invite Mark?
Isn't that, like, an
ethical minefield?
- He drinks beer.
- Is it that different?
Yeah, and you don't think
he should drink beer.
It just seems unfair.
You know, like, it's
just another thing
- that he misses out on.
- Yeah.
Only in this case, it's not
from society or whatever.
It's from his sisters.
The ones that should
be looking out for him.
Oh, my God. Okay!
Okay?
Okay.
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
There you go.
[ Laughs ]
[ Coughs ]
- [ Laughing ]
- Oh! Take it easy, man.
Don't be a hero.
I have to be a hero.
It's my job.
Well, definitely beats
selling life insurance.
What is that supposed to mean?
It means I hate my job.
Well, having some money has
got to take the edge off.
Your career is cool.
Do I look rich or famous to you?
You're both just lucky
that mom didn't come
home for Christmas.
[ Laughter ]
- Yeah.
- Isn't she in the Florida Keys
with her Parrot Head boyfriend?
Yeah, but she keeps threatening
- to come home for a visit.
- Ugh.
She's weird and loud.
Oh, and when she gets mad.
Oh, she is the master
of ripping people apart.
She can act so classy,
and then, like, her
inner demons come out.
Ah, you little bastards
smoking weed back there?
Mm, mm, mm,
I called the DEA!
Yeah, I called them.
I looked them up
on the Internet!
You should turn on
the Christmas lights.
Well, they're fucked, so...
Did you try plugging them in?
Oh, my God. Yes, I did.
I think there's a bad bulb
somewhere, and that's why.
I don't think that's
a thing anymore.
I can guarantee you it is.
- Well, they're brand-new.
- Doesn't matter.
Well, look, I'm not an expert
in electrics or whatever,
but I just heard that that
wasn't a thing anymore.
- That's all I'm saying.
- And I can tell you
that wherever you heard
that from is wrong.
O... kay?
I'm not trying to be a
dick, but I promise you that
if there's a burnt-out bulb,
the whole strand won't light up.
And that's for sure
what's happening here.
- You can't use this one.
- It doesn't work.
You gotta use this one instead.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
Huh.
[ Scoffs ]
You're both wrong, Shelly.
Thanks. I got it, Mark.
[ Vehicle approaching ]
Who the fuck is that?
- [ Whispering ] I knew it!
- What?
- Hi.
- He's been getting sex workers.
Prostitutes?
- What do you think?
- Oh, my God.
Although the preferred
term is sex worker.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
[ Gasps ]
I didn't think they did that.
Well, some do, some don't.
It's really case by case.
It's tough to generalize.
How do you know so
fucking much about this?
Can you finally admit that
things are fucked around here?
- Shelly.
- I mean...
- Shelly!
- What?!
It is tough to
generalize, Shelly.
Okay. Christ!
Is she bringing her own
Christmas stocking
into our home?
He's completely lost it. See?
- Fine. You were right.
- I was wrong.
- Thank you.
- But there is no way
that we can sell the house in
the condition that it is now.
So tomorrow is go time.
[ Sighs ]
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
- Did you get a callback?
- Oh, my God. Yes. Did you?
- Yes! Aah!
- Holy shit.
What if we're in the
cast of "SNL" together?
You do realize we're competing
for the same spot, right?
Shut up. Don't even
put that out there.
- Oh, my God.
- What was I thinking?
This is absolutely the
year that middle-aged women
- take over comedy.
- I love you.
- I gotta put my tape together.
- Bye.
Bye.
[ Keyboard clacking ]
Three.
Three more sleeps
until Christmas.
You gotta stop coming
in here so early, man.
Maybe you shouldn't
stay up so late
smoking the devil's lettuce.
Look at me. I'm Michelle.
I love to smoke weed.
I also do crack and cocaine.
[ Jazz music playing ]
Hey, Dad?
I was thinking today we could...
Oh, my God.
What is happening?
What does it look like?
Yeah, but... why?
Because taking sexy pics
is like planting a tree
or buying a house. [
Camera shutter clicking ]
What does that even mean?
- Best time to do it...
- 10 years ago.
Second best time... right now.
10:00 a.m. on a Sunday.
Okay. Uh...
[ Air horn blows ]
[ Air horn blows ]
- What the hell is this?
- It's an air horn, Dad.
It's a beacon to
millennials everywhere.
That's my people.
All right, we gotta get
this place cleaned up.
- Why?
- So that every day isn't like
living in a frat house
full of hoarders.
We like being
frat-house hoarders.
Okay, well, look, I've
got a job for everybody.
- Where's Anj?
- In her house, where she lives.
Well, I guess I have a
job for you, too, then.
- This is Sharon.
- And we are busy.
No, we are not. We can help.
Hi. I'm Michelle.
- I've heard so much about you.
- Oh, for God...
Can we please not be
garbage people for one day?
We like being garbage people.
It's our destiny.
Well, but you want
a Christmas tree
and presents and stuff, right?
Yeah.
Okay, well, there's nowhere
to put one right now,
so if you help me clean up,
Dad and I promise we'll
get you a Christmas tree.
- Hmm.
- Oh, come on, guys.
You know she's right.
- [ Laughs ] Okay. Okay.
- I'll do it!
Dad, are you in?
Well, I'm outnumbered
and backed into a corner,
so yeah.
Mm.
[ Air horn blows ]
Fuck you!
Hey
[ Heavy metal music plays ]
Whoo!
Deck the halls with
boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we know our gay apparel
Fa la la, la la
la, la la la la
Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol
Fa la la, la la
la, la la la la
[ Guitar riff plays ]
Deck the halls with
boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa la la, la la
la, la la la la
Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol
Fa la la, la la
la, la la la la
Is that where that
thing's staying?
- Yeah.
- It's kind of low.
Well, you should easily
be able to see it
and walk around it.
- It's huge.
- Well, if it's so huge,
it should be easy to avoid.
Okay.
It's fine. No problem.
Hmm.
- See you soon.
- Have a great day.
Hey, can you give me a
lift to the tree place?
I'm not supposed to
drive since the DUI.
[ Scoffs ]
I think "by not supposed to,"
you mean "prohibited by law."
Yeah, whatever.
[ Instrumental
"Silent Night" plays ]
Dad is, uh...
Is that woman a prostitute?
Hey, look at this tree here.
- Dad.
- Hmm?
Is that woman a prostitute?
Who? Sharon?
Yes, Sharon.
Oh, I wasn't sure who
you were referring to
because you didn't use her name.
Is Sharon a prostitute?
Sharon?
I don't know.
I mean, to me, she's, uh,
more of a friend, I suppose.
Well, do you have sex with her?
- Yeah.
- Do you pay her cash?
Venmo. But sure.
Okay, well, then I think
that you should know
that your definition of a friend
is the exact same
as a prostitute.
She prefers the term sex worker.
Again with the sex worker.
Look, Dad, I just don't think
it's a good influence on Mark.
- He's a grown man.
- With developmental delays.
That is such a bullshit excuse.
I don't think I need
an ironclad excuse
to ask you to not
be fucking hookers.
- Hey, come on, man!
- Sex worker.
Around my brother
with special needs.
Well, you've suddenly
become big on family values.
For someone who
stopped coming home
for Christmas for no reason.
Do you know what you said
to me last time I was here?
Quote, "Enough with
the comedy thing.
- Time to do something real."
- I never said that.
- The fuck you didn't!
- [ Woman gasps ]
Sorry. She's from Los Angeles.
So I said, you know what?
I'm not gonna go home until
I can prove him wrong.
- Well, you're here.
- You've done it.
No, Dad.
I didn't do it.
I do shitty improv
gigs for 150 bucks.
I live in a tiny apartment.
You were right.
That's what makes
me so fucking mad.
But I'm close.
Like, closer than
I've ever been before.
And I just want
everybody to be okay
and to have Merry Christmas.
But I'm worried about you guys.
I just don't have
space in my life
to take care of you
and Mark. I just don't.
We're fine. Okay?
Michelle, you really gotta
get your shit together.
Hey, my man!
- We want this tree.
- That one?
That's a crappiest tree on
the lot, but it's all yours.
[ Car door slams ]
Hey, that's the weirdest,
most pathetic little tree
I've ever seen in my life!
Up yours, Larry!
Weird things need a home, too,
you steaming sack of shit.
Good to see you, Larry.
Bye! Hope your home
is marked by plague.
It came upon a
midnight clear
- Hey, it's Phil.
- You know what to do.
- [ Sighs heavily ]
- Leave a message.
That glorious song of old
- This place looks so great.
- Yeah, I know.
It should be easy to
get it listed now.
Yeah. We just have
to get Dad on board.
Yeah, I'll talk to him again.
I just gotta find
the right moment.
So...
any luck with my screenplay?
What? Oh, no.
I'd just love any
notes you might have.
- Oh, yeah?
- Well, not notes per se,
because it's completely done,
and I'm not open to
making any more changes,
but I'd love any
positive feedback.
Yeah, I'll, uh, read it
as soon as I get a chance.
What's the genre?
It's a powerful family drama,
but with as many laughs
as a straight-up comedy.
Cool.
It's the first
part of a trilogy.
Ambitious.
Think you might get a
chance to read it tonight?
- Please?
- Oh, no, I-I can't tonight.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna try to
call and meet with my agent.
- I've been meaning to ask you...
- what's your agent like?
I don't know.
I mean, he just basically
gets me, like, auditions
for bit parts and shows
about cops and doctors.
Oh, like procedurals and stuff?
Like, imagine any show
that has an action sequence
set to music by the end.
- [ Chuckles ]
- You can't make a show good
just by adding a
song or whatever.
Totally. It's like,
"Oh, no, we don't have
a dramatic climax for
the story, so, uh,
let's do some slow-mo music."
[ Laughs ] It's so dumb!
Yeah, the industry
is totally fucked.
I was watching
"Handmaid's Tale,"
and then a commercial for
Weight Watchers came on.
Ew.
Why were you watching
with commercials?
That's just the glamorous life
of being a struggling comedian
in Los Angeles, I guess.
You could always
come back to Atlanta
- to do shows, you know.
- Yeah, right.
Plus, you know, help
out with family stuff.
Yeah, well, I'm just here
to get everybody settled,
and then I'm back to LA.
Well, we're cheering for you.
There actually is something...
potentially big, maybe.
There you go!
And you know what?
You're gonna get it.
And you want to know why?
Because you're talented as hell.
That's really kind.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna go
try to crash out early.
Okay.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Uh, let me know if you get a
chance to read my screen...
[ Line ringing ]
[ Sighs ]
- Hey, it's Phil.
- You know what to do.
Leave a message.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
[ Exhales ]
[ Exhales ]
Two more sleeps.
I was just dreaming about
a very satisfying romance
with a gingerbread man.
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
I gotta get this. Get out.
- Phil?
- Michelle, it's Phil.
- Yeah, I know.
- Did you get my stuff?
Yeah, and I sent it along,
and I gotta say...
they loved you!
- Really?
- Yeah!
They wouldn't shut up about you.
They kept going on about
how amazing you were.
It was the best audition
they've ever seen.
Well, that's good, right?
- It's fantastic.
- It's unbelievable.
It's incredible.
But they did ultimately
decide to go with, uh,
this TikTok star called,
uh, Karen Cassady.
She's in her 30s,
bit of a better look.
Uh, I mean, I looked her up,
and she is beautiful
and super funny,
so, you know, no shame in
losing to Michael Jordan.
Right? But, hey,
you know what?
We'll get the next
prime-time, uh,
sketch show on network TV.
You know, there's like a
million of these things...
[ Sad music plays ]
[ Spoon tapping ]
[ Spraying ]
[ Scoffs ]
You know that's got like
a million calories, right?
I like it!
Hey, hon,
I ever tell you my story about
my friend Michael Buddle?
Not today.
Oh! The lady emerged
from slumber.
No!
I am taking two Xanax and
I'm going back to bed.
I will see you all tomorrow.
It's 11:30 in the morning.
Good night.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
[ Paper ripping ]
Only one sleep left
till Christmas.
Just gotta give me one morning
where this isn't how I wake up.
You want to sing
our Christmas song?
No, Mark, I just woke up.
Oh.
Dad says you can have this...
this thing if you want.
- Oh.
- Christmas is finally here!
Santa rules!
Jesus Christ.
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Television playing
indistinctly ]
Hey, bud.
What are we thinking
for Christmas dinner?
You know, we should
probably make a list
and get to the store before
it gets too busy and...
[ Woman moans ]
What is going on?
- What?
- This is not okay, Mark.
- [ Sighs ]
- What the hell's going on?
This.
This is going on.
Oh. It's fine.
Yeah, it's fine.
In what world is
this not a big deal?
- This world.
- Mark!
There is no yelling
in this house!
You are supposed to be
setting boundaries for Mark.
This is completely
inappropriate.
And you don't shame him.
He's exploring his sexuality.
He's watching porn on
the family television.
You do not get to waltz in
here and make him feel bad
for doing something
that's completely natural.
Natural? Yeah.
Yeah. Animals watch each
other have sex all the time.
I love a good old-fashioned
squirrel gangbang, Dad!
In this house, we are allowed
to do anything we want
as long as we're
not hurting anyone.
- Yeah, we do what we want.
- Okay, great.
Well, you know
what I want to do?
This. This is
what I want to do.
Don't fucking hurt anybody.
This! See?
I'm not hurting anybody, am I?!
[ Grunting and stomping ]
There you go. System works.
Do whatever you want.
I want to watch porn.
Well, you can't.
'Cause the Grinch here destroys
everything that makes us happy.
Well, maybe the Grinch
wouldn't be so mean
if the Who people weren't
constantly singing about
what a piece of shit he is!
That's a really good point.
I am leaving
while I still have my dignity.
Hard to believe
she's still single.
[ Door slams ]
Aah! Fucking damn it!
[ Grunts ]
Fuck.
[ Deep voice ] Ho, ho, ho!
You're gonna wind up on the
naughty list, little girl.
Just... give me a break.
[ Normal voice ] I brought my
stuff so I can spend the night.
Just like old times.
I'll be in in a minute.
Oh, how'd that thing
with your agent turn out?
- Terrible.
- Oh, shit. Sorry.
I guess you won't be in slow
motion anytime soon, huh?
[ Laughs ]
[ Deep voice ] I'm
in sloooooooooow
motion.
I brought my baaag.
[ Normal voice ] Okay.
[ Deep voice ] See you inside.
[ Normal voice ]
See you inside.
[ Door opens ]
Damn. What happened
to the cable box?
Hey, you still using
that star decoration,
or can I have it?
Unless it's too broken,
'cause then I don't want it.
I just want to have a
nice Christmas, Larry.
Is that too much to ask?
I don't fucking think so.
So I'm gonna let
this fuel me, Larry.
I'm gonna let this
power me through
to make a nice fucking dinner
so we can have one happy memory
to stack up against the mountain
of bullshit, Larry.
Do you hear me?
I didn't hear a
single word you said.
Yeah, I lost most of my
hearing to, uh, polio.
My parents let me have it.
Can I get the star
decoration, though?
Do you mind tossing
it over the fence?
I'm really tired from stripping
copper piping from the hospital.
Where are you going?
[ "O Come All Ye
Faithful" plays ]
Joyful and triumphant
O come ye, O come
ye to Bethlehem
So obviously no pressure
or anything, but...
any chance you've gotten
to read my screenplay yet?
- Oh, no, sorry.
- I haven't gotten to it yet.
Oh, of course. No worries.
Do you think you'll
read it tonight or...?
Oh, um...
I don't know. Maybe.
'Cause I'm just super
excited for you to read it.
Yeah, no, I know.
You know, I'd probably
be reading it now
if I didn't have to
get dinner ready.
- Really?
- Yeah, of course.
Oh, well, then I-I can take
care of dinner from here.
Oh, no, it's too much.
No, seriously.
I got it from here on out,
if you want to go
give it a read.
Uh, um...
Okay.
Awesome.
Uh...
Sounds good.
All right.
Here I go.
O come let us adore Him
O come
[ Thud ]
"The Pennyworth
Chronicles Volume One."
[ Sighs ] God help me.
198 pages?
For fuck's sake.
Oh.
- [ British accent ]
- "It was no normal house
that the Pennyworths had built
atop that hill in
the middle of London.
But mind you, the Pennyworths
were no normal family.
Love?
Oh, I don't know.
What is love, really,
but a four-letter word for pain?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you the
mystery of electromagnetics.
And as the rain pours down
on the hull of the spaceship
where they stand, he
kisses her gently,
but in a rush, like the waves
kiss the beach on a calm day.
Waves that made
her vagina tingle.
It was the house. It
was always the house.
The secret wasn't in the house.
The secret was the house.
And as the children
watched the forest burn
along with their dreams, the
flames lighting their faces
like the lamps on
an ancient stage,
they knew that the worst of
them had the most to lose,
but the best of them
would never let go.
And somewhere in between,
they finally answered
the question...
What is a Penny truly Worth?"
[ Sniffles ]
[ Softly ] "Fin."
It's the best thing
I've ever read.
What the fuck?!
Done already?
It takes most people four hours
because I rarely use
paragraph breaks.
- It's really good.
- [ Gasps ]
Well, did you think
it was too much
how I turned the
twins into cyborgs?
No, it's perfect.
You broke all the rules
and still made something...
amazing.
I'm so glad you liked it.
And dinner's almost ready.
You look so pretty.
Oh. Thanks.
I'm gonna go set the table.
[ Techno music playing
through headphones ]
You're setting the table?
Gotta make things
look nice for dinner.
Duh.
- Okay, good.
- I'm gonna go get Dad.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Oh, hey, can you lift
this up here for me?
Yeah.
- Dinner's ready.
- Oh, excellent.
I am going to go
ham on some turkey.
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, Dad, uh...
About earlier...
I'm sorry.
It's not up to me what you do,
what either of you guys do.
It's just...
[sighs] I don't know.
I think I'm just putting
my shit onto you,
and I'm not even here anymore.
That's not fair.
I shouldn't be like that.
I guess I just miss you guys,
and I'm afraid you and Mark
are gonna devolve into a
"Grey Gardens" situation
if I don't do something.
[ Voice breaking ] And I'm
afraid I'm wasting my life
and I don't know
what to do anymore.
And I just, um...
I don't want to fight
with you. I'm sorry.
Hey, hey, come on.
[ Sighs ]
Hey, about... about this
morning with the TV thing,
- the... the porn thing.
- You don't have to...
Oh, no, I'm not gonna apologize.
Okay.
I just want to tell you a story.
All right.
Yeah. Uh...
When your mom was
pregnant with Mark,
um, you girls were
still very little,
and...
doctors were just starting to
test for the genetic markers
for conditions
like what Mark has.
So, uh, we had
some routine tests.
Then, uh, we were brought
back for some more,
and then we were brought
back for even more.
Till finally, uh, this
doctor comes in and he goes,
"I'm sorry.
The results are in.
Your baby has a
developmental disability.
I'm really sorry."
And I remember he just
kept saying he was sorry.
And then...
he told us to prepare to
terminate the pregnancy.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
It was right then I knew
I was not gonna let my son
apologize for his life, ever.
He's not sorry. I'm not sorry.
Nobody needs to be sorry.
There's not a fucking
thing to be sorry about.
What'd you say to the doctor?
I told him to go
back to Nazi Germany
with his final-solution
bullshit.
[ Chuckles ]
Then I punched him
in the clavicle.
- [ Laughs ] The clavicle?
- Yeah. It's a stunt movie.
Oh, it was a beauty. I
wish you'd been there.
I am just so goddamn proud
of you little fuckers.
The three of you are the best,
the best thing that's
ever happened to me.
And with the comedy thing,
I-I know you're not
where you want to be.
I am so proud of you.
Thanks, Dad.
And, uh, I know you don't
want to take my advice.
That's not true.
No. Yeah, that's totally true.
Yeah, well, listen.
Do not let anyone
control your happiness.
Okay? Once you do,
they've got you.
Okay.
Okay.
[ Sniffles ]
You know you gotta
sell the house, Dad.
[ Exhales ]
I know.
I know.
Hey, what do you say we, uh,
we go shotgun some
cranberry sauce?
- [ Chuckles ] Okay.
- Okay.
[ Door opens ]
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
And so then the guy says,
"Doc, how long do I have
to stop masturbating?"
And the doctor says,
"Well, at least till I
finish the examination."
[ Laughter ]
[ Wheezes ]
You're not funny.
Hey, come on.
What do you think Michelle
gets her humor from?
Certainly not from your mother.
What she lacks in humor,
she makes up for with
rock-hard fruitcake.
Oh, oh! Do you remember
when Dad dressed up
like an elf for mom?
- [ Laughter ]
- Oh, no.
That's... You're misremembering.
Yeah, we would always have
pancakes before presents.
We gotta do that this year.
You know, when I
was cleaning up, uh,
I saw that costume. It's
around here somewhere.
- No!
- It is.
- Dad!
- Mm! Sounds like we're doing
- elf pancakes this year.
- Yeah, you wish.
Now, if we could just get
it to snow on Christmas
for once, we'd be set.
Oh, that's not gonna happen.
Yeah, all we've got is Dad's
dry, dead bushes
in the backyard.
- Hey.
- Sorry, Dad.
Why, God, whyyyy?
Whyyyy, God?
I'll tell you, if
there is a God,
I'm gonna get them to answer
for the total lack of
fucking snow, trust me.
This conversation just took
a weird religious turn.
- All right.
- Weird religious angles
are what the holidays
are all about.
- And mindless consumerism.
- Mm!
I think it's all about everybody
and everybody's weakest goals.
Everybody and their
weakest goals?
Yeah.
I don't know what that means.
Oh, okay. Like... all right.
I-I'm trying to get into
"RuPaul's Drag Race."
I can't do it. It's
just not grabbing me.
Okay. All right.
So my weakest goal is that
my New Year's resolution
is going be to lose two pounds.
Um, my weakest goal is
to finally unpack my bag
from when I flew to
Cincinnati last month.
Now you guys are finally
getting what Christmas
is all about.
I say Christmas is about
you kids remembering shit
I told you to do for once
in your goddamn lives.
I changed my mind.
Christmas is all about
- singing Christmas songs.
- Oh!
What? I-I've never
heard of this before.
I knew that was coming.
But we gotta do it tonight.
I'll go start the fire.
- Oh, no!
- Okay.
If there's one thing
this family can agree on,
it's that Toto's "Hold the Line"
is the greatest
song of all time.
[ Playing "Hold the Line" ]
It's not in the way
that you hold me
It's not in the way
you say you care
It's not in the way you've
been treating my friends
It's not in the way that
you'll stay till the end
It's not in the
way that you look
Or the things that
you say that you'll do
Hold the line
Love isn't always on time
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Hold the line
Love isn't always on time
Whoa, whoa, whoa
It's not in the words
that you told me, girl
It's not in the way
you say you're mine
Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh
It's not in the way
that you came back to me
It's not in the way that
your love set me free
It's not in the
way that you look
Or the things that
you say that you'll do
Hold the line
Love isn't always on time
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Hold the line
Love isn't always on time
Whoa, whoa, whoa
[ Plays kazoo ]
Hold the line
Love isn't always on time
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Hold the line
Love isn't always on time
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Hold the line
[ Drumming stops ]
Will you please
shut the fuck up?!
Merry Christmas to you, too...
asshole!
[ Chuckles ]
[ Vehicle approaching ]
Hey, look who's
here. [ Chuckles ]
- Nice job on guitar.
- Thanks.
You guys wanna...?
[ Laughs ]
Hey, yeah, sure.
Yeah, but I gotta get
some rolling papers
from the store first.
Ooh, pick up some wine
while you're at it.
Mark, you want to come with?
- Duh!
- Okay.
[ Sighs ]
Help!
Oh, my God. Help! Oh!
[ Dramatic music plays ]
I told him that we shouldn't.
Shouldn't what?
Oh, fuck.
Oh. Come on.
Uh, yes. Uh, hello.
My father collapsed.
Yeah. I knew it was a bad idea.
Uh, that's what I'm trying
to find out right now.
- What happened?
- We were trying something.
- W-Were you having sex?
- I guess we were about to.
Well, now isn't the
time to... to be shy.
Whatever it was,
you gotta tell me.
- What were you about to do?
- The anal pile driver.
- On Christmas?!
- He said that's what
the holidays were all about.
- Oh, my God!
- And he really loves it.
Okay, I got it.
But it takes
strength and finesse.
Understood! Thank you!
He used to be able to
do all those things!
- Jesus Christ!
- Why are you still talking?!
Um, yeah, my father collapsed
while he was having sex.
Please hurry.
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Paramedic radio chatter ]
[ Siren wails ]
Awful habit.
I always bite my nails
when I'm nervous.
Wh-What do you do
to cope with stress?
I don't know. I, um, get high.
Then I get drunk and...
then take a Xanax.
Repeat the cycle until I
feel better or I pass out.
Well...
I-I guess everyone has
their own little quirks.
What happened?!
So Dad had liver failure.
Those fucking beers.
Mark, I need to talk to
you about something, okay?
Okay.
Dad needs to have a
blood transfusion.
Okay.
And they don't have the
right kind of blood for him
right now at the hospital.
Do you understand?
- Yeah.
- But you actually have
the right kind of blood to
be able to give some to Dad.
- Okay.
- So would you be okay
if the doctors took
some of your blood
and then gave it to him?
Okay, I can do it.
- Don't worry.
- It won't hurt at all.
Okay. I'm gonna find the
doctor and let her know.
- Michelle?
- Yeah?
After I give my blood to Dad...
Yeah?
How long until I die?
- About 15 minutes.
- What?
No, she's just joking!
You don't die after
giving your blood.
That's good.
You would have done
it without question.
You're the bravest of
all of us. You know that?
[ Sighs ]
All right, enough of the
Hallmark Channel moment.
I'm gonna go see if I
can find the doctor.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
I'm sorry.
Don't fucking apologize.
[ Sobbing ]
Goddamn it, Dad.
There is someone here who
can help you with handling...
I'm not in charge here.
We gotta get out of here.
[ Sad music plays ]
[ Muffled ] I said I don't want
to talk about it right now.
You can't do that with every
serious conversation
that comes up.
Yeah, well, sorry.
I've got a career that
I've had for awhile now,
and it's important to me.
Oh, you just love to
just drop in and drop out
whenever you want,
and the rest of us
have to stay here and clean up.
Do we have to figure
it out right now?
Yes! Someone has to
start taking care of him
right a-fucking-way, so I
don't see how this can wait.
Okay, well, we'll
sell the house,
and then you can use the
money to figure out...
It's not about the money!
It's about the work!
It's about showing up!
What am I supposed to do?
Get some fucking lame job
that I hate, like you?
[ Gasps ]
You are so selfish.
I didn't have kids for a reason.
Okay? I-I can't take him.
I just... I-I can't
take the responsibility.
No, you didn't have a kid
because you were scared
of having a kid
with a disability.
I'm sorry that I wanted
to do something else
with my life other
than be a caretaker.
I've been taking care of
everything since forever!
And no one has ever asked
me what I wanted, you know?
You knew this was
part of the deal.
No, you knew this
was part of the deal.
I've been trying to talk
to you about it all week.
You do your jokes.
[ Sighs ]
Well, I can't believe
you won't take him.
I can't believe you won't.
Well, then I guess he's just
gonna live on the street.
- Nice.
- Okay, so make sure that
you give him some
food when you see him
pushing his shopping
cart down the alley.
You know what?
Come to think of it, never mind.
Because I doubt
that he could even
figure out how to do that.
Oh, Mark. Fuck.
- She was just joking.
- She's not...
[ Voice breaking ]
She doesn't mean it.
[ Door opens and slams ]
Good one.
- [ Crying ]
- Oh, shut the fuck up.
[ Sighs ]
[ Line ringing ]
[ Coughs ]
- Please leave a message.
- [ Beep ]
Hey, it's me.
[ Sighs ] We need your help.
[ Sighs ]
[ Smoke alarm beeping ]
Oh, shit!
[ Beeping continues ]
O... kay.
[ Beeping continues ]
They got burned.
That's okay.
[ Beeping continues ]
[ Sizzling ]
- [ Beeping stops ]
- I was making breakfast.
I know, bud. It's okay.
What the hell?
We're gonna have a
non-traditional breakfast
this year.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
Look, last night was
straight garbage.
We didn't mean any of it.
It's okay.
No, it's not okay.
We suck.
We're just... sad.
You know?
It's okay.
We gotta have each
other's backs from now on.
So I don't want any more
bullshit out of anyone.
And that includes me.
We should do presents.
Well, let's see
what Santa got us.
Michelle.
Mark.
[ "O Holy Night"
plays in background ]
Cool.
Thanks, Dad.
Great. Now all I need is
a gun, and I'm all set.
Yes!
This is a good one.
"Dick! The Halls: Volume Seven."
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
Oh, my God, Shell, look.
Holy shit.
- It's Dad.
- You know it's Dad.
He finally got it
to snow for us.
We hear you, Dad.
Um... I don't think so.
That's not snow.
Oh. Holy shit.
I'm calling 911.
- Wait.
- What?
What did Dad say
Christmas was all about?
Remembering shit
he told us to do
for once in our goddamn lives.
And what do we do in
the event of a fire?
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
[ Techno music plays ]
Wow.
[ Air horn blows ]
[ Laughter ]
That was really cool.
[ Vehicle approaching ]
Oh, I bet that's Sharon.
Merry Christmas.
- Mom?
- Hello.
I brought gifts.
Walmart gift card for Andrea.
For Mark.
You.
Now, who wants some of
Mom's famous fruitcake?
Michelle called. She
told me what happened.
But I don't want you to worry.
Everything is going to be okay.
Although it looks like
I got here just in time.
- We had a rough couple days.
- Cut us some slack.
Mark, be a darling.
Go to the car. Fetch my bag.
I'm moving in immediately
to look after you.
What about Rob the dentist?
This isn't exactly
burgers in paradise.
He's retired, so we thought
we would move in here
for a while to look after Mark.
Unless either one of you are
planning to take care of him.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
Well, that's what I thought.
I'll take him if he wants.
So will I.
[ Laughs ]
That's absurd.
Neither of you are fit
to take care of a
houseplant, even a cactus.
Well, obviously,
I'm gonna try harder
than I did with that cactus.
- [ Door opens ]
- Hey, everybody.
Merry Christmas.
- Who the hell are you?
- Mom, this is Sharon.
- She's a p...
- No!
She is a sex worker.
What?
I was going to say she's
a part of the family.
Oh. Shit.
- I can be both.
- I can't believe this.
Mark, I have a really important
question to ask you, okay?
Okay.
Who do you want to be
your legal guardian?
Um...
Groot.
- No, man.
- Not "Guardians of the Galaxy."
Like, who do you
want to live with?
Oh.
You.
Okay. Go get your stuff.
This is outrageous.
He should be living
here with me.
Well, we're selling
the house, so...
- W-W-W-What?
- No matter how good
your intentions
are, at some point,
people need to be able to
make decisions for themselves
about what their
life's gonna be.
We're never coming home, right?
Right.
Mom, this is happening.
Tell Rob I said Merry Christmas
and to have a margarita for me.
- You can tell him yourself.
- He's in the car.
You've been in here for
like an hour and a half.
Rob, we're going
back to Florida!
Come in here and help me
pack up this damn cake!
Hey.
Can I come along, too?
[ Scoffs ]
Obviously.
Come on.
Hey!
I wanted to give you this.
Thank you.
Hey, Rob.
Hey, Michelle.
You can have these if you want.
[ Chuckles ]
One of the bulbs is burnt out,
so the whole strand is no good.
That's not how it works anymore.
Oh. Live and learn.
Hey, what the hell
is all of this?
- We're leaving, Larry.
- For good.
For good?
I'll never forget you.
Farewell.
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
So where are we going?
[ Sighs ]
You know...
that's a good question.
[ Sighs ]
[ Engine starts ]
Who am I without you?
I don't know that man.
And so then I looked
at him and I said,
"That sounds like
a weak goal to me."
[ Laughter ]
That's what I said.
Thank you so much. You
guys have been great.
Good night, Atlanta!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let's keep it going for
my favorite comedian
and least favorite roommate,
Michelle Van de Shall!
Her run of the show just got
extended by another week,
so if you had fun
tonight, tell a friend.
And if you didn't, nobody
gives a shit what you think.
- Ooh!
- Hey.
We ran right on time tonight,
even with intermission
running long.
I told you you're not
the stage manager.
You can't be back here.
Copy that. Standing by.
Sharon, I'm gonna need all
the glow tape back. It's mine.
I think she's
jealous of your job.
Merch sales were
retarded tonight.
What the fuck did I tell
you about saying that?
- I'm taking the word back.
- [ Sighs ]
I mean... power to you, man.
And there's a group from
Special Olympics here.
So if you don't mind,
I'm gonna go mingle
with some ladies.
Very cool. Enjoy.
I will.
You know it, Shelly.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
Hey, Anj. Wait up!
[ The New Anxiety's "All
on Christmas" plays ]
Every year reluctantly
We hang the lights
and trim the tree
Just another Christmastime
Unpacking all the
winter clothes
While cold wind seeps
through old windows
Just another Christmastime
But soon we find the house
filled with the scent of pine
And it reminds us
of a simpler time
Of a simpler time
Gone away till holidays
Bring back old
friends and family
We revel in the old clichs
All on Christmas,
all on Christmas Day
Every year about this time
We hear the
melodies and rhymes
Of a million Christmas songs
So we dust off
the old guitars
Start to hum a couple bars
Of another Christmas song
And then we go into
our bustling studio
Where we recall the
meaning of it all
The meaning of it all
Gone away till holidays
Bring back old
friends and family
To revel in the old clichs
On Christmas, on Christmas
On Christmas Day
On Christmas Day
On Christmas Day
On Christmas Day
On Christmas Day