How to Save a Dead Friend (2022) Movie Script
1
He's no longer in pain,
Marusya. We'll cry it out.
Nothing left to do, my girl.
It's okay.
Tomorrow's the first memorial,
you may come light candles.
The next ones are day 9,
40, 6 months, and a year.
Burial complete.
Good health to you all.
KIMI MOREV
Whenever anyone says
Russia's exclusively for Russians,
I think: bullshit!
Everyone knows
Russia's for the depressed.
Or at least for realists.
Take me, for example:
in 2005, I was 16
and I was positive it
was my last year on Earth.
Very soon and for always
My youth will pass
Burn yourself and burn me
While we're here and now
For always
D For always p
Autumn's right
outside the window
'Bout to slam your
heart in the door
I barely ate, slept
14 hours a day,
was failing chemistry,
and, one by one, my friends
were killing themselves.
I just thought that's
what it meant to be a teen,
and I didn't like it.
I'd wake up trying to
avoid thinking about suicide.
I'd brush my teeth trying to
avoid thinking about suicide.
I'd have breakfast trying
to... You get the point.
Don't all responsible adults
try to do everything they can
to avoid killing themselves?
I, too, tried to do
everything I could.
With a utility knife,
sharp paper edges,
manicure scissors,
pins, plastic school rulers,
shards of my favorite mixtapes,
broken light bulbs,
and fingernails, when
nothing else was available.
Pall Malls 8s, please.
Thanks.
Product placement!
I remember thinking
that if I was already
doing so bad at 16
that things were probably
only going to get worse.
So after weighing the pros and
cons, I made a rational choice:
that year was gonna be my last.
But then,
at a grunge forum, I met Kimi.
Hey everyone, you're
watching Fire TV!
Blow It Show is on the air
and I'm its superstar
host MC Silk.
We're all here to
celebrate wrapping.
Let's have a chat with the crew,
starting with the director!
Hello, darling! This is Marusya.
Let's ask her some
questions about the film.
Marusya!
Yeah...
- Marusya...
- Turn off the lights.
So what's your film about?
And here's the man
responsible for it all.
His name's Kimi.
Was this shoot hard for you?
- No.
- No?
I'm in the hospital.
I knew right away Kimi
was my kind of person.
He had scars on his wrists.
We were both raised
in broken homes
and he knew every single
Joy Division song by heart.
Kimi was a year older
and a freshman history major,
while I dreamed of making films.
Alexander the Great
conquered the entire world.
Except America.
And Australia.
Alexander the Great
conquered everything.
- He didn't know about America.
- Or Australia.
Nor Russia.
He didn't get Africa either.
No, not South Africa.
The guy didn't get horizons.
When he'd see mountains,
he thought he was at the edge of
the world, so he never went further.
He was brilliant
in that he set out
to conquer the entire
world, not just a part of it.
He makes everyone
else look pathetic.
Regular goals are
like buying a TV, or car,
or more drugs to
get high as fuck.
But he realized that if you
dream of conquering Europe,
your life will be over after
because you'll have
nothing left to live for.
'Cause good luck coming
up with a new dream at 50!
I think it's awesome he had
no limits. He was totally free.
You know how many other pricks
were like that? Napoleon for one.
It's beer time.
Give me that beer.
Kimi had many talents.
He was a damn good swimmer.
He loved animals.
Rabbit, be careful
crossing the road.
He wrote prose and poetry.
And he made me laugh.
Kimi was perfect!
Where is this?
Samara.
They're super fat.
Huh?
- They're fat.
- Come on.
Kimi saw how shitty I felt.
He said he'd been there a lot.
Why won't it focus?
It should.
It's on autofocus.
Your zits are out of focus.
I'm shooting them up close.
They're taking up
the whole frame.
Very cool!
Kimi once read an
article on healthyrussia.ru
that said the best
way to fight depression
was to meditate... on the dead.
That only by observing
every stage of decomposition
could we come to terms
with death and be cured.
- Are you filming me?
- Yes.
That wasn't a great take.
Cut.
Here.
- I don't want to smoke.
- You don't?
Then I will.
I think everyone's
tired of my shit.
They're fine, chill.
Everything's fine.
We're all just tired.
Go to bed.
Not while you're like this.
Who knows what
you'll get up to...
When I felt especially bad,
Kimi'd just sit next to me
and make jokes like:
"I thought no one had it worse
than me, but you gave me hope."
He gave me a lot
of fucking strength!
Hey, doggie!
It was one of those shows
where you had to scream
into people's ears to be heard.
The stage lights fell on Kimi in
such a way that I suddenly realized
that we were about
to have our first kiss.
We kiss, but Kimi's nose
suddenly starts bleeding.
We're both covered in blood,
laughing at the
absurdity of it all.
And then it hits me
my band's about to play.
They were already
setting up on stage.
I ran out on stage looking
like De Palma's Carrie,
after she was doused
in pig's blood at the prom.
Well, maybe not as
gnarly, but that's how I felt.
We did a quick soundcheck
and started playing.
Just look at those faces!
MARUSYA, MARRY ME!
Kimi, do you feel like
you're building a family unit?
Yup.
- What are your future pIans?
- Adopting another cat.
- You filming?
- Yup.
Have you noticed our son's dumb?
Doesn't take after me...
lan!
We named Ian after
Joy Division's Ian Curtis.
Ian Curtis did
hang himself at 23,
but cat's don't usually
live that long so we figured
the chances of Ian repeating
his namesake's destiny were slim.
What happened here?
So I wake up and
I'm super confused.
Yesterday, I woke
up and thought:
"Fuck, I'm going blind."
I forgot I took my contacts out.
So this time I wake up
to something warm and
wet in my groin, near my ass.
I'm like: "What the
fuck, did I shit myself?"
I didn't even drink last night.
I don't even remember
the last time I got wasted.
So then what the hell
did I eat to shit myself?
It felt wet and sticky
like freaking diarrhea.
Like what the hell?
There's no way I shat myself!
Then, I feel Ian at my feet,
so I figured he shat the bed
while Marusya and I were asleep,
and we rolled
around in his shit.
Now I'm thinking it's 8:10
and I have to get in the shower
wash off the shit, wash
the sheets, and bed.
Fucking shit!
Then I realize I'm gonna have
to touch this shit in
the shower anyway.
So I feel it and realize
Ian's been licking me.
It was actually a
trail of cat saliva
and not his lukewarm diarrhea.
I sighed in relief and
skipped the shower.
Nope, not there!
That is an awesome record.
First song's not that good...
- See anything in the scope?
- Yeah.
- I can shoot someone next door.
- Let me see.
Die, bitch, die!
- Let me see.
- Got a strong recoil.
How the hell do
hitmen hold it for hours?
I lived in the center while Kimi lived in
N.Butovo, on the outskirts of Moscow.
Butovo's had a bad
rep since the 90s.
Kimi'd call it a
branch of hell of Earth,
but his voice betrayed
pride for his neighborhood.
The end of the 1930s saw
mass executions in Butovo.
NORTH BUTOVO
Pichushkin, the
Bitsa serial killer,
hung out nearby in the 2000s.
He killed around 50
people in the Bitsa Forest.
There was also the
anonymous Butovo arsonist
who obviously had a hard-on
for watching expensive cars burn.
If the Depression Federation
was to have a center,
Butovo would be a perfect fit.
- Are they blind?
- No.
They're six weeks.
They want a home.
It's gonna burn,
sometimes, it burns here.
Look, fire!
You'll scare them.
The kittens will go deaf.
Put him back. It's a boy.
- So furry.
- Put him back.
I found a kitten a home before.
- What are you doing?
- Shooting the cats.
On camera.
Lilu!
Shall we?
Hi there. It's Kimi
on "Sugartime."
- We're talking about things
we shouldn't, - Kimi, come on!
...but you can cut it out later.
I suppose my gauntness
is tied to those particularly
tough and turbulent years in the
history of our godforsaken country.
Before I'd even gone to
school, or my dad died,
my mom was suing her job
while my dad was
fired for no reason.
We didn't have much to eat.
Each morning, my parents left
my sister and I two cups of tea
and a sugar bowl. The
fridge was completely empty.
There wasn't even bread.
I eventually figured out
that if you have
8,10,12 spoons of sugar,
the glucose will
abate the hunger.
It's a habit that stayed
with me, just like fear
of opening the fridge
and finding it empty.
My gorgeous hair!
Stop or I'm gonna cry.
It was like Kimi made
the world... bearable.
I now had my own family.
I guess I finally felt
...happiness?
Or something like it.
Should be enough for both?
- Yeah?
- Just a tad for me.
The flag of the
Russian Federation
is gripped by a robotic arm.
Installing the flag.
That's it!
Russia's flag's been planted
in the seabed of the North Pole.
- We made contact!
- And you were worried.
Standing firm!
- You filming?
- Yup, got it all!
I'm proud they got both
the Russian and Soviet flag.
Then there's also
the practical value.
Where do we go from here?
To not only develop,
but control the Arctic?
...people follow the rules
they've signed off on.
Rules?
You know what's more
important than rules?
Except we never
signed off on anything.
I didn't vote for the
1993 Constitution.
They did it for you.
It was ratified with
only a 30% turnout.
Only 30% showed up,
but there was a clause
stating that the
turnout didn't matter.
Yeah, one vote was enough.
Like, seriously,
shouldn't a democracy
amend its Constitution?
Not every four years, of course,
but at least every 10 or 20 years.
For 22 years, I lived
under a Constitution
I never voted for.
That's really fucked up.
Shitshow's about to start.
Russia! Russia!
For the first time in 20 years,
Russia's made it
to the UEFA semis.
It was back in
1988 that the USSR
reached the finals, but
lost to the Netherlands.
Now in Swiss Basel, Russians
defeated the Dutchmen
who were considered
Euro 2008 favorites.
Russia!
Though we didn't give
a shit about soccer,
we did briefly get caught up in
that overall sense of joy and unity.
We wanted to close our eyes
and believe in the impossible.
In everything turning out
okay for both the team and us.
- Should we go that way?
- Yeah!
Kimi!
Hurray!
Russia, our beloved country...
Louder! Louder! Louder!
It's totally real.
Russia's coming!
Europe, watch out!
- Marusya, move!
- I'm fine.
Russia! Russia! Russia!
Sunshine, let's go home.
Let's go.
Marusya!
If you're a fan of the
happily ever after genre,
you should probably
stop watching.
...0613. Yeah, okay. I'll
pay in the next 30 min.
Thanks for letting me know.
Fuck, Timur's dead.
I was just thinking
how he owed me $40.
the other day.
He's owed it for a while.
He owed more,
but I'd let it go over and over.
And then, I gave
him $40 this summer.
Told him, "forget it."
You getting ready?
If anyone asks, we're
going to the movies.
Timur wasn't even the first.
Lyosha jumped off the roof.
Ilya threw himself under a car.
Natasha went by golden shot.
The other Lyosha also
OD'd after he helped Natasha.
Kirill hanged himself.
Stas died in a car accident.
Lena also OD'd.
We definitely thought
we might be next.
We tried fighting those
thoughts the best we could.
If the cops ask, what
are we shooting?
An assignment for film school.
A walk through nighttime Moscow.
Seriously, we gotta
have a good plan.
No drugs here!
We might need to go in.
Why?
Thought we had to, no?
- Did she give a door code?
- Can you stop filming?
- Why?
- So you can help.
I can help while filming.
Stop treading, Marusya.
Entrance 11, on the right side.
Under the green
advertisement stand.
The black baggie is
taped under the fence.
Someone neglected to consider
everything's covered in snow...
Finally. Let's go.
He already found his stash!
And I found mine.
It's right inside the putty.
- Video quality's great!
- Yeah, it's really good.
Your zit's on display.
Come here.
Where's the stop button?
Great...
Yup, it's methadone.
What should we do?
They're not letting us in.
They're having a
party without us!
There was a pawnshop
next door called Tick-Tock.
A giant broken clock
hung over the entrance.
It was the kingdom of
the eternal 6 a.m. or 6 p.m,
depending on how
you were feeling.
We were walking
by it once and I joked:
"Kimi, if you ever turn into a total
junkie and decide to pawn everything...
...like my jewelry,
mp3 player, and all that,
you won't have to go far."
He laughed so hard that day,
but that's exactly what
ended up happening.
We didn't notice the 2000s end.
It's just like they
morphed into a bad trip.
Go Russians! Go
Russians! Go Russians!
RUSSIAN REVOLFUCK THE MIGRANTS!
Kimi often spoke of his father,
a pro swimmer
and sports journalist.
Like many others in the
90s, he went into commerce.
He sold everything
from Gzhel porcelain
to toilet lids at the market.
Kimi was 9 when he died.
Kimi and his sister were home.
They tried calling an ambulance,
but the dispatcher thought it
was just kids playing a prank.
Now my head's all glittery!
Kimi's brother Andryusha
was 18 years older.
Despite their age difference,
they were really close.
Just put it right
behind the ears.
You can also do it this way,
but basically, just
right behind the ears.
Cologne goes here
and behind the ears
- That's aftershave, not cologne.
- Aftershave?
Sweet! Does it have alcohol?
- Yeah, cologne's what you spray.
- Got it.
It says "aftershave" on the box.
I just shaved.
I'll try it out later.
Put it on your palms
and then on your cheeks.
You don't need much.
I'm stocked she got me both!
Feel free to borrow them.
This one's good.
Whenever...
Yeah, nice.
I'm gonna be a real dandy.
I'll find me a girl with braids
and a car with a good stereo,
and go to Crimea or Abkhazia.
Got my teeth fixed so
I can bite nipples now!
Andryusha was in prison a lot,
usually on drug charges.
Kimi'd sew a phone
into a stuffed Pikachu
and send it to him in prison.
They'd call each other
often and talk for a while.
It was like he was on an all-inclusive
vacation somewhere in Turkey.
The blizzard is back.
The past languishes
in the darkness.
Your eyes are
crossed. You're drunk.
I promised nothing.
You promised me the New
Year's gift of getting a job.
I didn't say which year.
- Which then?
- 2014. 2015.
Kimi could joke
around all he wanted,
but we all knew who
wore the pants in the family.
Tatyana Vasilievna
was a swim coach.
After her husband died, she
raised three kids on her own.
She was also a
pro at small talk.
Did you hear they were
selling heroin by the metro?
- No, who said?
- It was on the news.
$13 a gram.
Know what they
were using? It was...
...a cash-in-transit
van. Can you imagine?
Clients coming,
knocking on the door...
Super sneaky!
Dummy!
Creep!
Drunkass!
NEW YEARS ADDRESS OF THE PRESIDENT OF
THE RUSSIAN FEDERATION DMITRIY MEDVEDEV
Dear citizens of
Russia, dear friends:
In a few moments, the
Kremlin chimes will strike
and we'll wish each
other a Happy New Year
It's been exactly 20 years since
we celebrated our first New Year
in a country called Russia.
A name tied to the illustrious
deeds of our great ancestors,
who spent centuries building a
vast and incredibly powerful nation,
creating a great country.
Believe in yourselves!
- I believe in every one of you!
- Oh, wow...
And we'll all succeed!
Screw you!
I wish you all happiness!
Happy 2012!
Let's get up.
It's finally here.
Marusya.
Bit much for me.
Oh, Marusya!
I'm curious.
- What is it?
- I don't know.
- Where do I press?
- Hang on.
Hold it like this, push the red
button, and look through here.
Film something that's moving.
I was the oldest child.
Mom, you're in the way!
When you're the
firstborn, you don't know yet
if your parents
will be any good.
It's their first time
being parents,
and that first
pancake's often lumpy.
But my childhood was
pretty freaking awesome!
We lived in a huge
three-story house.
And I was only late to school
when they closed off the roads
for Putin who lived nearby.
There was a giant bowl of
Chupa-Chups on the fridge
and I had unlimited access.
Dear Russians!
- Little time remains...
- Mom, smile!
...for me to share
an important decision.
I am resigning.
So that's it!
Dear Russians,
dear compatriots,
the powers of Head of State
have been turned over to me today.
The freedom of speech, choice,
- mass media, -
Here were go again...
and the freedom of ownership,
are the cornerstones
of our society.
and will be protected...
Mom, smile!
My parents never
argued or fought.
They never spoke of
anything grave or unpleasant.
Dad, smile!
That's why I didn't even
know they'd divorced.
They didn't even tell me.
Grandma accidentally told me.
That's awful.
Senya! Senya!
Get us lookin' fly!
Losers.
We're Charlie's Angels!
We had 3kg of beef, 2kg of pork,
10 tomatoes, 10 cucumbers,
packaged mushrooms,
a bag of charcoal, and
a super heavy BBQ.
A sort of "Fear and
Grilling in Las Vegas,"
except we were only
700km from home.
We found a pond in
the Leningrad region,
unloaded everything,
and Kimi suddenly
took off to get drugs.
He took our only car,
just leaving me there.
One by one, the hours passed,
it started raining,
and I realized that even
if Kimi came back for me,
it wouldn't be anytime soon.
That's when I had a
realization about Kimi's priorities.
It was more painful than
cutting myself with a utility knife,
sharp paper edges,
manicure scissors, pins, rulers,
and other knick-knacks.
This was super fucked up.
Kimi went to rehab.
After rehab, he went
to another rehab.
And then another
and then another.
To quit, you have
to want to quit
but Kimi didn't.
Pressuring him
made him pull away,
and just keep lying.
It was the lies that
disappointed me the most
because they meant that heroin
was now more
important to him than me.
I had a lot of trouble
accepting this.
We must become more
responsive and benevolent,
generous and caring,
toward our loved ones,
children, and parents.
As we face the future, we
hope for positive, joyful change.
Our futures are
tied to Russia's,
to those heartfelt, noble
feelings toward our Motherland.
The development and advancement
of its 1,000-year-long histo...
I wish you a happy 2013!
On December 18th, at 3:26 p.m.,
Kimi and I got divorced.
How's Lilu?
Fine. She's lying on the floor.
Is she happy?
I don't know, she hasn't shared.
Probably. I just fed them.
Then she is.
So nothing new going on?
No.
So you're just going
to work and that's it?
Yup, I go to work. And drink.
Aren't you bored?
What does it matter?
To you or...?
- Huh?
- You're gone.
So, you're not bored?
It doesn't matter anymore.
Nothing matters.
Let's talk later.
Or I'll start crying.
What?
Let's talk later.
When?
Tomorrow.
You have work.
After work.
- Okay, bye then.
- Sorry.
I had a plan:
eat healthy,
wake up early, or
at least before noon,
do yoga,
actually enroll in yoga,
do laundry regularly,
and to go faraway for a while.
Once, at a dinner
party in Brooklyn,
I caught myself
desperately wanting
to be back in North Butovo.
Then Kimi called
and said he was going
to jump off a bridge,
and that I had to film it.
I yelled at him and didn't go.
That river's really shallow,
and he could've died.
But he jumped anyway
and found someone to film it.
When Kimi decided to do something,
it was impossible to stop him.
Come on!
Drunk dumbass!
- Holy shit!
- You alive?
Our hero's done it! He jumped!
- I can't move my right arm.
- It's okay.
You're fucking nuts.
We didn't talk him
out of it, so he jumped!
You'll be "pleasantly
surprised," tomorrow.
Kimi didn't change
much on the outside,
but on the inside, his
self-destruction was growing.
You feelin' okay?
How're you?
Not better.
I'm emotionally drained,
you know how that is.
I constantly feel like crying.
But I gotta...
...keep moving.
What about you? You okay?
Yeah, just feeling blue.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
No need to feel blue.
Geez!
Nice jeans, soft.
Feel it.
It's so hard.
- Ugh!
- Push down harder.
It's hard like a rock!
I became afraid of waking up
and finding out Kimi was gone.
That's probably how
Kimi felt when I was 16.
Kimi suggested we film
more and always stay together.
Rec's on.
You have gotta say
something. Hello...
Hello!
I SPENT THE BEST DAYS
OF MY LITTLE LIFE HERE. Kimi
I can't feel the part of my
thumb, by the nail anymore.
It happened after the paramedics
barely resuscitated me last time.
I was clinically dead.
For 4-6 minutes.
Why didn't you tell me?
Well, I was having a tough time.
I started using hard drugs
again and shooting methadone.
And, well, I shot
up more than usual,
though I realized
it was too much.
You often crave that
risk when shooting.
It's like Russian Roulette.
Pouring the right amount
and then topping it off.
It's super dangerous, but
sometimes you want to.
What happened?
I got up from the couch,
pulled the needle out of my arm,
and all I had time to
think was: "This is it."
Life didn't flash before my
eyes, just total darkness.
No time for goodbyes.
This is the end.
Bedtime.
Hi, my son, Andryusha Pimonenko,
was in critical condition
in intensive care yesterday.
How is he?
Unit 7.
Andryusha Andreivich...
Okay.
Okay, thanks a lot.
He's still in intensive
care, no fever.
- Still in intensive care.
- Okay.
- In critical condition.
- Still?
He said he was going
to die on Tuesday.
But God postponed
his death by a week.
He might die tonight
or he might make it.
Were you scared to die?
- No.
- No?
No, but it was hard
being resurrected.
Weren't you scared
when you OD'd?
You don't feel or
remember anything.
That's why I wanted
to go this way.
Because you don't feel anything.
You just disappear.
How do you know?
It's like going to sleep.
You fall asleep
and don't wake up.
It's not like
jumping off a roof,
slamming into the ground,
and laying there
for another 30 min.
Wondering if they'll save you
when it's obvious they won't.
Your insides are smashed.
Now that's fucking hard. I
wouldn't wish that on anyone.
OD'ing isn't like that. You shoot
up, fall asleep, and don't wake up.
Weren't you scared of not waking
up? Of it really being the end?
No.
No, I wasn't.
You thinking of trying?
To die?
Well, I think I'll have
to at some point.
Well, yeah.
You don't need to.
You're doing all right.
Doesn't make sense for you.
But it does for you?
I lack the basics: work, money.
I got why Andryusha dreamt
of falling asleep forever,
but I had a different
relationship with reality.
Free political prisoners!
Free political prisoners!
Kimi had a different remedy:
pregabalin, methadone,
clomipramine,
fluvoxamine,
chlorprothixene, amitriptyline,
alprazolam, diazepam,
phenazepam,
codeine, tramadol,
trihexyphenidyl, etaperazin,
diphenhydramine, amphetamine.
Kimi took them all in various
proportions and combinations.
And then, he had
a brilliant idea
what if the State
paid for everything?
Shouldn't it compensate the
psychological damage it caused?
1. DON'T THINK 2. IF
YOU THINKDON'T SPEAK.
3. IF YOU THINK AND
SPEAK DON'T WRITE.
4. IF YOU THINK, SPEAK,
WRITE DON'T SIGN.
5. IF YOU THINK, SPEAK, WRITE
AND SIGN DON'T BE SURPRISED.
FELIX DZERZHINSKY
- It's what I do.
- Yeah, me too.
You fix people
and I need fixing.
Let's see here...
Okay, so you woke
up this morning...
- How did you feel?
- I had anxiety.
You woke up and had
generalized anxiety?
Yeah for no reason.
It's there until I leave
my flat or get busy.
- What time did you wake up today?
- 9.00 a.m.
- And the anxiety appeared immediately?
- Yes, immediately.
I also had something bad
happen last night. I woke up...
...I'll show you.
I lost a tooth. This
one right here.
- Do you have anxiety now?
- No, I don't.
I feel better when I'm here.
When I come here, I feel
better. I know I'll get my meds.
- Are you anxious while we're talking?
- Just a little.
Can you localize it?
Yeah, talking to you distracts
me and I brought Marusya along.
- No, where is it? Chest area?
- Yeah, in my chest.
I see.
But it's not as bad now.
Last week, I was just on the
couch, staring at the ceiling.
Did you take your morning dose?
No, I'm going to take it now.
- That's pretty late.
- Yeah.
- What benefits are they giving you?
- Utility bills, electricity,
public transportation,
and that's it.
They promised
sanatorium treatment.
Well, it's more of a
rest than treatment.
If you decline, you
get $2.5 more a month.
I declined the first time,
but now I'm gonna go.
I need to go to the welfare
office and ask about the options.
They usually give tickets for
both the patient and chaperone.
Maybe we'll go with my mom.
Shit, I'm worried.
My doc wants to see
your film when it comes out,
but I've definitely said things
that'll get me kicked out.
We'll make him
a special version.
Director Edition!
Director's Edition... Yeah.
He's super fucking curious!
Kimi was confident he was
beating the healthcare system.
Or was it beating him?
The meds in Kimi were
taking up more space
than Kimi himself.
More than my Kimi.
But some were jealous
of Kimi's prowess.
I wanted to check into a psychiatric
hospital and get on disability,
but my mom said I couldn't
because the psychiatrist says I'm fine.
It's total bullshit.
How can I be
fine if I'm like this?
- You wanted to get on disability?
- Yeah.
I don't think it's that easy.
I think they like
check everything.
They can check all they want.
Could you pretend to be psycho?
Sure, why not? If
Kimi can, I can too.
I think... he's
got a talent for it.
Maybe.
Kimi insisted he had
everything under control.
But can you really control anything
in the Depression Federation?
Other than your syringe and
other means of self-destruction?
Going on disability resulted
in an unfortunate side effect:
Kimi had to stay
at a mental hospital.
More often than
he would've liked.
Foggy thoughts
Disturbing my sleep
Everything is stuck
Someone's gotta say:
This isn't me.
This isn't me.
This isn't me.
This isn't me.
You're alumni
of the Institute of Violence
This isn't me.
What the fuck?
When I was 15, my
parents got scared
and put me in a
psychiatric hospital.
Basically, it's a scary place
where you're completely helpless
and completely alone.
Maybe she'll take you home?
They've got their own rules,
they can't just discharge you.
The medics who brought me here
said I didn't need to be hospitalized,
but my mom insisted.
So they had to,
but they didn't think
I needed to be.
When I saw the doctor,
he also asked why
they brought me in
over sleep talking.
There's people that
sleepwalk, even go outside,
and then don't
remember anything,
and they're considered sane. I
was just talking loudly in your sleep.
Can't you discharge yourself?
Asking for anything here
is like talking to
the hard of hearing.
But you're over 18!
You consent to treatment
upon being admitted.
- Did you sign anything?
- Of course!
It's a closed ward.
If you're acting up,
they can hold a panel,
to declare you legally insane,
certifying you can't be
responsible for yourself.
And then that's it.
It's rare, though. They
just keep you locked up.
Sometimes, you only get to
see your doc. every two months.
He'll see you
once and that's it.
So if you feel bad
because of the meds,
they just keep giving
you the same ones.
A change of meds
is very unlikely.
They just up your
dosage or shoot it.
Or put you on a drip.
It's better to say you're fine
and the meds are working,
then you might only
spend 14 or 21 days here.
I heard it's usually 21.
I mean I know it is.
It's fucking hard
to get cigarettes
and the food's inedible.
Quick, hide it!
I don't like his
current condition.
He won't get better here,
I should take him home.
I felt fine for the
past 6 months.
I started going to the gym.
OK, but why'd you go
drink with your buddy?
- It was only once!
- Once's enough.
- A demon seduced me.
- Right, a demon...
You're the demon!
Don't be mad, I really
wanted to see you.
I'm not mad, it's a compliment.
My nose and ears aren't
what they used to be.
Doesn't bode well...
How will I live without you?
That's a question of who dies
first. You really think it'll be me?
I'm going to outlive you.
I'm indestructible!
Here, drink.
Worrying about nonsense...
I really am worried about you!
It's all in God's hands.
It's not up to us
how long we'll live.
I already told you,
death is the 3rd birth.
After death, you're
born into eternal life.
Don't be scared of death.
1st birth's when you're born,
2nd's when you're baptized,
and the 3rd's when you die.
Those are the
three births of man.
I was reading an
Orthodox calendar.
It said if you need to
quit drinking or drugs,
or beat your demons,
you have to drink holy water on
an empty stomach for six weeks.
Yeah, I heard about that.
We'll try it with
the Lord's prayer.
We'll try.
Andryusha's already on it. I
poured him a carafe of holy water.
He hasn't shot up
in two or three days.
You have to set
goals for yourself
and decide what
you want out of life.
- Do you want to live or die?
- Yeah.
Marusya's got a goal
and films all day long.
She's keeping busy, unlike you.
Yup.
You're just go to hospital,
every three months,
like it's your job.
Dear citizens of Russia!
Dear friends!
2016!
That wonderful sensation
between the past and the future
goes back to childhood.
We look forward to it with
joy, hope, and anticipation.
The best is yet to come!
Life's fucking merciless.
I wanted to be president
when I was little.
But something went wrong.
It all went to shit.
When, do you think?
Probably when my dad
died. I gave into despair.
It's hard to count on
anything good happening
when people can
pass that abruptly.
There's no guarantees,
neither in Christianity,
nor in work, nor in drugs.
Anything can happen to
anyone and that scares me.
But meds help me not give a shit
and that makes me happy.
If you stare long enough at
the windows across the street,
you'll see us in one of them.
But in a parallel universe
where Kimi and
I are still married.
We have three kids. I
help them with homework.
I make breakfast,
lunch, and dinner.
I iron Kimi's shirts, while he's
at endless work meetings...
...at the Kremlin.
He comes home late and tired.
We're both tired. We don't even
kiss when we see each other.
Maybe we've grown
disappointed in each other.
Maybe we low-key hate
each other, or even outright.
Maybe we should be
grateful that's not case...
And that despite everything,
we're still together,
holding onto Alexander
the Great's precepts
of unlimited
agency and free will.
It weren't for
you, I'd run away.
If they'd let me out by
myself I'd never come back.
- Would they?
- They used to before.
What are they gonna do if I
take the metro out of here?
Would they even look for me?
Where would you go?
I'd get on the metro
and go to Max's
until things died down.
Except they might
get the cops involved...
Still, the treatment
is voluntary...
The problem is I don't
know the consequences.
If I knew what they were,
I'd run away right now.
Let's go pray in the chapel.
I'm not even doing
bad things anymore.
I'm trying to be a good person.
I help everyone.
I go to church and the gym.
I just smoke too much.
But it seems I'll have to pay
for my sins for the rest of my life.
It's just a week, not
the rest of your life.
I just wanted to
be a good person.
A good son, a good
husband, a good brother.
I never let people down.
I'm always ready
to help. I'm kind.
Why is this happening to me?
I'm in a mental hospital
for the fifth time in two years!
No movies, no internet...
...nothing.
Can't even listen to music... I don't
even remember what it sounds like!
- Kimi, don't be sad.
- How can I not?
- We'll get through this.
- You think?
Are visitors allowed tomorrow?
No, but they are the day after!
I'll bring your favorite magazines.
- Wednesday?
- Yeah.
- Mom's coming on Thursday?
- Yup!
I got a tooth missing,
I don't want to smile.
I felt really bad for Kimi,
but I sometimes got the feeling
that he spoke to the
camera and not me.
He was also drinking a
ton of chifir at the hospital,
and chifir makes you cry.
Regardless of
how sincere he was,
Kimi was doing really bad.
I'm finally home.
Home sweet home!
Dasha, we're back.
Frozen like an ice pack!
Listen to those purrs!
He's purring out of despair...
Come, I'll show you where I
put your socks and underwear.
You only need a little. Wet
your hair and use a drop.
Spread the foam around.
Don't use half the bottle.
- Deal?
- Deal.
- Wait, that's mine!
- Just once!
Why do you need it? It's for
your face, you don't need it.
- I do! I was in the hospital.
- Okay, fine.
- Does it go on dry skin?
- No, wet.
- How long's it take?
- Wash it off immediately.
- Did you get your meds?
- Yeah, next dose's at 8 p.m.
Is that enough?
Yeah.
Bomb!
Freakin' awesome!
Gonna wait for it to kick in.
Until what kicks in...?
It works immediately.
Wash it off.
- Come on, it's gonna sting!
- Let it sting.
It means the
pathogens are dying.
Nuh-uh!
Dasha, I'm smarter
than you. Deal with it.
You're a silly woman
who wears a push-up bra.
Why are you trying to argue?
A friend once told me,
never trust a woman
in a push-up bra.
Wow, so clean!
Gonna leave the matches.
Nobody'll steal them.
- I'm going to take a shower.
- You high already?
No way. It's the meds!
You sure? You seem high.
- High?
- Just a bit...
No drugs for me, at
least for six months.
I gotta wait.
A year even.
I look fine.
Go to the kitchen,
I'll be there in a sec.
Kimi!
Kimi's mom found
a syringe in the sink!
The sink?
What?
She's mad.
No idea where it came from.
- Really?
- Really!
Cat, cat kitty-cat.
Gotta pet the cat.
I'm gonna make
popcorn. Want some?
Did you take something?
Leftovers.
Where from?
Andryusha.
Two cotton balls.
Not my best moment,
but I barely feel anything.
Andryusha'll be pissed
his cooker's gone.
I'll get him a new one.
Where'd it go?
Mom took it.
I left it in the bathroom.
It's so beautiful!
Time to put on Slowdive.
Then, November 4, 2016 happened
and you died, Kimi.
If there's life after death
then it's digital like this.
Where you remain
pixelated forever.
Where each moment of our
lives repeats over and over.
For Marusya.
I remember the
scent of your hair,
the brand of shampoo you liked,
the little stretch marks
on your tiny bottom.
I also remember
the battle was tough
and that death was near.
I remember saying, "Never again"
and not believing it.
I remember loving
you, despite everything,
and you being the most
important person in my life.
I remember when your brother
was little and his nose bled at night.
And your dad's little daughters.
We were little ourselves.
I loved you in a
simple way, banal even,
but more than
anyone I ever knew.
I, a man that often drank
with women I didn't love,
embracing those
I didn't believe in.
I have so much left to say
and even more to do for you.
And, even now, I'm
ready to kill for you
because as long as I'm
alive, no one can ever
wrap you in ribbons of sorrow.
I'm yours and you
are probably mine,
I'll owe you until the very end,
and some more afterwards.
You'll stand alone at my funeral
and I'll stand behind you.
I'll hold your hand
tight, as tight as I can.
I buried my dad
and my best friends.
I survived two clinical deaths.
I saw you between the
charges of a defibrillator;
And knew that next
to you, I was immortal.
Please forgive me
for letting you all down.
For putting it all on the line.
For not being entirely honest.
For forsaking Ian and Lilu.
For the cold I had in my soul.
I didn't know life
would turn out this way.
That I would be
that indebted to you.
But it wasn't all for naught,
I know there's many
good years ahead of us.
If you can, forgive me.
I believe that you can.
And if not, I'll never know.
I'll go on living and loving
you the only way I know how.
We met when I was
16 in my "last year."
And now I am twice as old.
You were there for me,
insisting things would get better.
Things don't get better, you just
get used to the pain and all that shit.
Remember how we
joked that everyone over 30
was a cunt?
Well, here I am entering
the age of cuntdom.
I gotta go.
Thanks for being
great company, Kimi.
I miss you.
He's no longer in pain,
Marusya. We'll cry it out.
Nothing left to do, my girl.
It's okay.
Tomorrow's the first memorial,
you may come light candles.
The next ones are day 9,
40, 6 months, and a year.
Burial complete.
Good health to you all.
KIMI MOREV
Whenever anyone says
Russia's exclusively for Russians,
I think: bullshit!
Everyone knows
Russia's for the depressed.
Or at least for realists.
Take me, for example:
in 2005, I was 16
and I was positive it
was my last year on Earth.
Very soon and for always
My youth will pass
Burn yourself and burn me
While we're here and now
For always
D For always p
Autumn's right
outside the window
'Bout to slam your
heart in the door
I barely ate, slept
14 hours a day,
was failing chemistry,
and, one by one, my friends
were killing themselves.
I just thought that's
what it meant to be a teen,
and I didn't like it.
I'd wake up trying to
avoid thinking about suicide.
I'd brush my teeth trying to
avoid thinking about suicide.
I'd have breakfast trying
to... You get the point.
Don't all responsible adults
try to do everything they can
to avoid killing themselves?
I, too, tried to do
everything I could.
With a utility knife,
sharp paper edges,
manicure scissors,
pins, plastic school rulers,
shards of my favorite mixtapes,
broken light bulbs,
and fingernails, when
nothing else was available.
Pall Malls 8s, please.
Thanks.
Product placement!
I remember thinking
that if I was already
doing so bad at 16
that things were probably
only going to get worse.
So after weighing the pros and
cons, I made a rational choice:
that year was gonna be my last.
But then,
at a grunge forum, I met Kimi.
Hey everyone, you're
watching Fire TV!
Blow It Show is on the air
and I'm its superstar
host MC Silk.
We're all here to
celebrate wrapping.
Let's have a chat with the crew,
starting with the director!
Hello, darling! This is Marusya.
Let's ask her some
questions about the film.
Marusya!
Yeah...
- Marusya...
- Turn off the lights.
So what's your film about?
And here's the man
responsible for it all.
His name's Kimi.
Was this shoot hard for you?
- No.
- No?
I'm in the hospital.
I knew right away Kimi
was my kind of person.
He had scars on his wrists.
We were both raised
in broken homes
and he knew every single
Joy Division song by heart.
Kimi was a year older
and a freshman history major,
while I dreamed of making films.
Alexander the Great
conquered the entire world.
Except America.
And Australia.
Alexander the Great
conquered everything.
- He didn't know about America.
- Or Australia.
Nor Russia.
He didn't get Africa either.
No, not South Africa.
The guy didn't get horizons.
When he'd see mountains,
he thought he was at the edge of
the world, so he never went further.
He was brilliant
in that he set out
to conquer the entire
world, not just a part of it.
He makes everyone
else look pathetic.
Regular goals are
like buying a TV, or car,
or more drugs to
get high as fuck.
But he realized that if you
dream of conquering Europe,
your life will be over after
because you'll have
nothing left to live for.
'Cause good luck coming
up with a new dream at 50!
I think it's awesome he had
no limits. He was totally free.
You know how many other pricks
were like that? Napoleon for one.
It's beer time.
Give me that beer.
Kimi had many talents.
He was a damn good swimmer.
He loved animals.
Rabbit, be careful
crossing the road.
He wrote prose and poetry.
And he made me laugh.
Kimi was perfect!
Where is this?
Samara.
They're super fat.
Huh?
- They're fat.
- Come on.
Kimi saw how shitty I felt.
He said he'd been there a lot.
Why won't it focus?
It should.
It's on autofocus.
Your zits are out of focus.
I'm shooting them up close.
They're taking up
the whole frame.
Very cool!
Kimi once read an
article on healthyrussia.ru
that said the best
way to fight depression
was to meditate... on the dead.
That only by observing
every stage of decomposition
could we come to terms
with death and be cured.
- Are you filming me?
- Yes.
That wasn't a great take.
Cut.
Here.
- I don't want to smoke.
- You don't?
Then I will.
I think everyone's
tired of my shit.
They're fine, chill.
Everything's fine.
We're all just tired.
Go to bed.
Not while you're like this.
Who knows what
you'll get up to...
When I felt especially bad,
Kimi'd just sit next to me
and make jokes like:
"I thought no one had it worse
than me, but you gave me hope."
He gave me a lot
of fucking strength!
Hey, doggie!
It was one of those shows
where you had to scream
into people's ears to be heard.
The stage lights fell on Kimi in
such a way that I suddenly realized
that we were about
to have our first kiss.
We kiss, but Kimi's nose
suddenly starts bleeding.
We're both covered in blood,
laughing at the
absurdity of it all.
And then it hits me
my band's about to play.
They were already
setting up on stage.
I ran out on stage looking
like De Palma's Carrie,
after she was doused
in pig's blood at the prom.
Well, maybe not as
gnarly, but that's how I felt.
We did a quick soundcheck
and started playing.
Just look at those faces!
MARUSYA, MARRY ME!
Kimi, do you feel like
you're building a family unit?
Yup.
- What are your future pIans?
- Adopting another cat.
- You filming?
- Yup.
Have you noticed our son's dumb?
Doesn't take after me...
lan!
We named Ian after
Joy Division's Ian Curtis.
Ian Curtis did
hang himself at 23,
but cat's don't usually
live that long so we figured
the chances of Ian repeating
his namesake's destiny were slim.
What happened here?
So I wake up and
I'm super confused.
Yesterday, I woke
up and thought:
"Fuck, I'm going blind."
I forgot I took my contacts out.
So this time I wake up
to something warm and
wet in my groin, near my ass.
I'm like: "What the
fuck, did I shit myself?"
I didn't even drink last night.
I don't even remember
the last time I got wasted.
So then what the hell
did I eat to shit myself?
It felt wet and sticky
like freaking diarrhea.
Like what the hell?
There's no way I shat myself!
Then, I feel Ian at my feet,
so I figured he shat the bed
while Marusya and I were asleep,
and we rolled
around in his shit.
Now I'm thinking it's 8:10
and I have to get in the shower
wash off the shit, wash
the sheets, and bed.
Fucking shit!
Then I realize I'm gonna have
to touch this shit in
the shower anyway.
So I feel it and realize
Ian's been licking me.
It was actually a
trail of cat saliva
and not his lukewarm diarrhea.
I sighed in relief and
skipped the shower.
Nope, not there!
That is an awesome record.
First song's not that good...
- See anything in the scope?
- Yeah.
- I can shoot someone next door.
- Let me see.
Die, bitch, die!
- Let me see.
- Got a strong recoil.
How the hell do
hitmen hold it for hours?
I lived in the center while Kimi lived in
N.Butovo, on the outskirts of Moscow.
Butovo's had a bad
rep since the 90s.
Kimi'd call it a
branch of hell of Earth,
but his voice betrayed
pride for his neighborhood.
The end of the 1930s saw
mass executions in Butovo.
NORTH BUTOVO
Pichushkin, the
Bitsa serial killer,
hung out nearby in the 2000s.
He killed around 50
people in the Bitsa Forest.
There was also the
anonymous Butovo arsonist
who obviously had a hard-on
for watching expensive cars burn.
If the Depression Federation
was to have a center,
Butovo would be a perfect fit.
- Are they blind?
- No.
They're six weeks.
They want a home.
It's gonna burn,
sometimes, it burns here.
Look, fire!
You'll scare them.
The kittens will go deaf.
Put him back. It's a boy.
- So furry.
- Put him back.
I found a kitten a home before.
- What are you doing?
- Shooting the cats.
On camera.
Lilu!
Shall we?
Hi there. It's Kimi
on "Sugartime."
- We're talking about things
we shouldn't, - Kimi, come on!
...but you can cut it out later.
I suppose my gauntness
is tied to those particularly
tough and turbulent years in the
history of our godforsaken country.
Before I'd even gone to
school, or my dad died,
my mom was suing her job
while my dad was
fired for no reason.
We didn't have much to eat.
Each morning, my parents left
my sister and I two cups of tea
and a sugar bowl. The
fridge was completely empty.
There wasn't even bread.
I eventually figured out
that if you have
8,10,12 spoons of sugar,
the glucose will
abate the hunger.
It's a habit that stayed
with me, just like fear
of opening the fridge
and finding it empty.
My gorgeous hair!
Stop or I'm gonna cry.
It was like Kimi made
the world... bearable.
I now had my own family.
I guess I finally felt
...happiness?
Or something like it.
Should be enough for both?
- Yeah?
- Just a tad for me.
The flag of the
Russian Federation
is gripped by a robotic arm.
Installing the flag.
That's it!
Russia's flag's been planted
in the seabed of the North Pole.
- We made contact!
- And you were worried.
Standing firm!
- You filming?
- Yup, got it all!
I'm proud they got both
the Russian and Soviet flag.
Then there's also
the practical value.
Where do we go from here?
To not only develop,
but control the Arctic?
...people follow the rules
they've signed off on.
Rules?
You know what's more
important than rules?
Except we never
signed off on anything.
I didn't vote for the
1993 Constitution.
They did it for you.
It was ratified with
only a 30% turnout.
Only 30% showed up,
but there was a clause
stating that the
turnout didn't matter.
Yeah, one vote was enough.
Like, seriously,
shouldn't a democracy
amend its Constitution?
Not every four years, of course,
but at least every 10 or 20 years.
For 22 years, I lived
under a Constitution
I never voted for.
That's really fucked up.
Shitshow's about to start.
Russia! Russia!
For the first time in 20 years,
Russia's made it
to the UEFA semis.
It was back in
1988 that the USSR
reached the finals, but
lost to the Netherlands.
Now in Swiss Basel, Russians
defeated the Dutchmen
who were considered
Euro 2008 favorites.
Russia!
Though we didn't give
a shit about soccer,
we did briefly get caught up in
that overall sense of joy and unity.
We wanted to close our eyes
and believe in the impossible.
In everything turning out
okay for both the team and us.
- Should we go that way?
- Yeah!
Kimi!
Hurray!
Russia, our beloved country...
Louder! Louder! Louder!
It's totally real.
Russia's coming!
Europe, watch out!
- Marusya, move!
- I'm fine.
Russia! Russia! Russia!
Sunshine, let's go home.
Let's go.
Marusya!
If you're a fan of the
happily ever after genre,
you should probably
stop watching.
...0613. Yeah, okay. I'll
pay in the next 30 min.
Thanks for letting me know.
Fuck, Timur's dead.
I was just thinking
how he owed me $40.
the other day.
He's owed it for a while.
He owed more,
but I'd let it go over and over.
And then, I gave
him $40 this summer.
Told him, "forget it."
You getting ready?
If anyone asks, we're
going to the movies.
Timur wasn't even the first.
Lyosha jumped off the roof.
Ilya threw himself under a car.
Natasha went by golden shot.
The other Lyosha also
OD'd after he helped Natasha.
Kirill hanged himself.
Stas died in a car accident.
Lena also OD'd.
We definitely thought
we might be next.
We tried fighting those
thoughts the best we could.
If the cops ask, what
are we shooting?
An assignment for film school.
A walk through nighttime Moscow.
Seriously, we gotta
have a good plan.
No drugs here!
We might need to go in.
Why?
Thought we had to, no?
- Did she give a door code?
- Can you stop filming?
- Why?
- So you can help.
I can help while filming.
Stop treading, Marusya.
Entrance 11, on the right side.
Under the green
advertisement stand.
The black baggie is
taped under the fence.
Someone neglected to consider
everything's covered in snow...
Finally. Let's go.
He already found his stash!
And I found mine.
It's right inside the putty.
- Video quality's great!
- Yeah, it's really good.
Your zit's on display.
Come here.
Where's the stop button?
Great...
Yup, it's methadone.
What should we do?
They're not letting us in.
They're having a
party without us!
There was a pawnshop
next door called Tick-Tock.
A giant broken clock
hung over the entrance.
It was the kingdom of
the eternal 6 a.m. or 6 p.m,
depending on how
you were feeling.
We were walking
by it once and I joked:
"Kimi, if you ever turn into a total
junkie and decide to pawn everything...
...like my jewelry,
mp3 player, and all that,
you won't have to go far."
He laughed so hard that day,
but that's exactly what
ended up happening.
We didn't notice the 2000s end.
It's just like they
morphed into a bad trip.
Go Russians! Go
Russians! Go Russians!
RUSSIAN REVOLFUCK THE MIGRANTS!
Kimi often spoke of his father,
a pro swimmer
and sports journalist.
Like many others in the
90s, he went into commerce.
He sold everything
from Gzhel porcelain
to toilet lids at the market.
Kimi was 9 when he died.
Kimi and his sister were home.
They tried calling an ambulance,
but the dispatcher thought it
was just kids playing a prank.
Now my head's all glittery!
Kimi's brother Andryusha
was 18 years older.
Despite their age difference,
they were really close.
Just put it right
behind the ears.
You can also do it this way,
but basically, just
right behind the ears.
Cologne goes here
and behind the ears
- That's aftershave, not cologne.
- Aftershave?
Sweet! Does it have alcohol?
- Yeah, cologne's what you spray.
- Got it.
It says "aftershave" on the box.
I just shaved.
I'll try it out later.
Put it on your palms
and then on your cheeks.
You don't need much.
I'm stocked she got me both!
Feel free to borrow them.
This one's good.
Whenever...
Yeah, nice.
I'm gonna be a real dandy.
I'll find me a girl with braids
and a car with a good stereo,
and go to Crimea or Abkhazia.
Got my teeth fixed so
I can bite nipples now!
Andryusha was in prison a lot,
usually on drug charges.
Kimi'd sew a phone
into a stuffed Pikachu
and send it to him in prison.
They'd call each other
often and talk for a while.
It was like he was on an all-inclusive
vacation somewhere in Turkey.
The blizzard is back.
The past languishes
in the darkness.
Your eyes are
crossed. You're drunk.
I promised nothing.
You promised me the New
Year's gift of getting a job.
I didn't say which year.
- Which then?
- 2014. 2015.
Kimi could joke
around all he wanted,
but we all knew who
wore the pants in the family.
Tatyana Vasilievna
was a swim coach.
After her husband died, she
raised three kids on her own.
She was also a
pro at small talk.
Did you hear they were
selling heroin by the metro?
- No, who said?
- It was on the news.
$13 a gram.
Know what they
were using? It was...
...a cash-in-transit
van. Can you imagine?
Clients coming,
knocking on the door...
Super sneaky!
Dummy!
Creep!
Drunkass!
NEW YEARS ADDRESS OF THE PRESIDENT OF
THE RUSSIAN FEDERATION DMITRIY MEDVEDEV
Dear citizens of
Russia, dear friends:
In a few moments, the
Kremlin chimes will strike
and we'll wish each
other a Happy New Year
It's been exactly 20 years since
we celebrated our first New Year
in a country called Russia.
A name tied to the illustrious
deeds of our great ancestors,
who spent centuries building a
vast and incredibly powerful nation,
creating a great country.
Believe in yourselves!
- I believe in every one of you!
- Oh, wow...
And we'll all succeed!
Screw you!
I wish you all happiness!
Happy 2012!
Let's get up.
It's finally here.
Marusya.
Bit much for me.
Oh, Marusya!
I'm curious.
- What is it?
- I don't know.
- Where do I press?
- Hang on.
Hold it like this, push the red
button, and look through here.
Film something that's moving.
I was the oldest child.
Mom, you're in the way!
When you're the
firstborn, you don't know yet
if your parents
will be any good.
It's their first time
being parents,
and that first
pancake's often lumpy.
But my childhood was
pretty freaking awesome!
We lived in a huge
three-story house.
And I was only late to school
when they closed off the roads
for Putin who lived nearby.
There was a giant bowl of
Chupa-Chups on the fridge
and I had unlimited access.
Dear Russians!
- Little time remains...
- Mom, smile!
...for me to share
an important decision.
I am resigning.
So that's it!
Dear Russians,
dear compatriots,
the powers of Head of State
have been turned over to me today.
The freedom of speech, choice,
- mass media, -
Here were go again...
and the freedom of ownership,
are the cornerstones
of our society.
and will be protected...
Mom, smile!
My parents never
argued or fought.
They never spoke of
anything grave or unpleasant.
Dad, smile!
That's why I didn't even
know they'd divorced.
They didn't even tell me.
Grandma accidentally told me.
That's awful.
Senya! Senya!
Get us lookin' fly!
Losers.
We're Charlie's Angels!
We had 3kg of beef, 2kg of pork,
10 tomatoes, 10 cucumbers,
packaged mushrooms,
a bag of charcoal, and
a super heavy BBQ.
A sort of "Fear and
Grilling in Las Vegas,"
except we were only
700km from home.
We found a pond in
the Leningrad region,
unloaded everything,
and Kimi suddenly
took off to get drugs.
He took our only car,
just leaving me there.
One by one, the hours passed,
it started raining,
and I realized that even
if Kimi came back for me,
it wouldn't be anytime soon.
That's when I had a
realization about Kimi's priorities.
It was more painful than
cutting myself with a utility knife,
sharp paper edges,
manicure scissors, pins, rulers,
and other knick-knacks.
This was super fucked up.
Kimi went to rehab.
After rehab, he went
to another rehab.
And then another
and then another.
To quit, you have
to want to quit
but Kimi didn't.
Pressuring him
made him pull away,
and just keep lying.
It was the lies that
disappointed me the most
because they meant that heroin
was now more
important to him than me.
I had a lot of trouble
accepting this.
We must become more
responsive and benevolent,
generous and caring,
toward our loved ones,
children, and parents.
As we face the future, we
hope for positive, joyful change.
Our futures are
tied to Russia's,
to those heartfelt, noble
feelings toward our Motherland.
The development and advancement
of its 1,000-year-long histo...
I wish you a happy 2013!
On December 18th, at 3:26 p.m.,
Kimi and I got divorced.
How's Lilu?
Fine. She's lying on the floor.
Is she happy?
I don't know, she hasn't shared.
Probably. I just fed them.
Then she is.
So nothing new going on?
No.
So you're just going
to work and that's it?
Yup, I go to work. And drink.
Aren't you bored?
What does it matter?
To you or...?
- Huh?
- You're gone.
So, you're not bored?
It doesn't matter anymore.
Nothing matters.
Let's talk later.
Or I'll start crying.
What?
Let's talk later.
When?
Tomorrow.
You have work.
After work.
- Okay, bye then.
- Sorry.
I had a plan:
eat healthy,
wake up early, or
at least before noon,
do yoga,
actually enroll in yoga,
do laundry regularly,
and to go faraway for a while.
Once, at a dinner
party in Brooklyn,
I caught myself
desperately wanting
to be back in North Butovo.
Then Kimi called
and said he was going
to jump off a bridge,
and that I had to film it.
I yelled at him and didn't go.
That river's really shallow,
and he could've died.
But he jumped anyway
and found someone to film it.
When Kimi decided to do something,
it was impossible to stop him.
Come on!
Drunk dumbass!
- Holy shit!
- You alive?
Our hero's done it! He jumped!
- I can't move my right arm.
- It's okay.
You're fucking nuts.
We didn't talk him
out of it, so he jumped!
You'll be "pleasantly
surprised," tomorrow.
Kimi didn't change
much on the outside,
but on the inside, his
self-destruction was growing.
You feelin' okay?
How're you?
Not better.
I'm emotionally drained,
you know how that is.
I constantly feel like crying.
But I gotta...
...keep moving.
What about you? You okay?
Yeah, just feeling blue.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
No need to feel blue.
Geez!
Nice jeans, soft.
Feel it.
It's so hard.
- Ugh!
- Push down harder.
It's hard like a rock!
I became afraid of waking up
and finding out Kimi was gone.
That's probably how
Kimi felt when I was 16.
Kimi suggested we film
more and always stay together.
Rec's on.
You have gotta say
something. Hello...
Hello!
I SPENT THE BEST DAYS
OF MY LITTLE LIFE HERE. Kimi
I can't feel the part of my
thumb, by the nail anymore.
It happened after the paramedics
barely resuscitated me last time.
I was clinically dead.
For 4-6 minutes.
Why didn't you tell me?
Well, I was having a tough time.
I started using hard drugs
again and shooting methadone.
And, well, I shot
up more than usual,
though I realized
it was too much.
You often crave that
risk when shooting.
It's like Russian Roulette.
Pouring the right amount
and then topping it off.
It's super dangerous, but
sometimes you want to.
What happened?
I got up from the couch,
pulled the needle out of my arm,
and all I had time to
think was: "This is it."
Life didn't flash before my
eyes, just total darkness.
No time for goodbyes.
This is the end.
Bedtime.
Hi, my son, Andryusha Pimonenko,
was in critical condition
in intensive care yesterday.
How is he?
Unit 7.
Andryusha Andreivich...
Okay.
Okay, thanks a lot.
He's still in intensive
care, no fever.
- Still in intensive care.
- Okay.
- In critical condition.
- Still?
He said he was going
to die on Tuesday.
But God postponed
his death by a week.
He might die tonight
or he might make it.
Were you scared to die?
- No.
- No?
No, but it was hard
being resurrected.
Weren't you scared
when you OD'd?
You don't feel or
remember anything.
That's why I wanted
to go this way.
Because you don't feel anything.
You just disappear.
How do you know?
It's like going to sleep.
You fall asleep
and don't wake up.
It's not like
jumping off a roof,
slamming into the ground,
and laying there
for another 30 min.
Wondering if they'll save you
when it's obvious they won't.
Your insides are smashed.
Now that's fucking hard. I
wouldn't wish that on anyone.
OD'ing isn't like that. You shoot
up, fall asleep, and don't wake up.
Weren't you scared of not waking
up? Of it really being the end?
No.
No, I wasn't.
You thinking of trying?
To die?
Well, I think I'll have
to at some point.
Well, yeah.
You don't need to.
You're doing all right.
Doesn't make sense for you.
But it does for you?
I lack the basics: work, money.
I got why Andryusha dreamt
of falling asleep forever,
but I had a different
relationship with reality.
Free political prisoners!
Free political prisoners!
Kimi had a different remedy:
pregabalin, methadone,
clomipramine,
fluvoxamine,
chlorprothixene, amitriptyline,
alprazolam, diazepam,
phenazepam,
codeine, tramadol,
trihexyphenidyl, etaperazin,
diphenhydramine, amphetamine.
Kimi took them all in various
proportions and combinations.
And then, he had
a brilliant idea
what if the State
paid for everything?
Shouldn't it compensate the
psychological damage it caused?
1. DON'T THINK 2. IF
YOU THINKDON'T SPEAK.
3. IF YOU THINK AND
SPEAK DON'T WRITE.
4. IF YOU THINK, SPEAK,
WRITE DON'T SIGN.
5. IF YOU THINK, SPEAK, WRITE
AND SIGN DON'T BE SURPRISED.
FELIX DZERZHINSKY
- It's what I do.
- Yeah, me too.
You fix people
and I need fixing.
Let's see here...
Okay, so you woke
up this morning...
- How did you feel?
- I had anxiety.
You woke up and had
generalized anxiety?
Yeah for no reason.
It's there until I leave
my flat or get busy.
- What time did you wake up today?
- 9.00 a.m.
- And the anxiety appeared immediately?
- Yes, immediately.
I also had something bad
happen last night. I woke up...
...I'll show you.
I lost a tooth. This
one right here.
- Do you have anxiety now?
- No, I don't.
I feel better when I'm here.
When I come here, I feel
better. I know I'll get my meds.
- Are you anxious while we're talking?
- Just a little.
Can you localize it?
Yeah, talking to you distracts
me and I brought Marusya along.
- No, where is it? Chest area?
- Yeah, in my chest.
I see.
But it's not as bad now.
Last week, I was just on the
couch, staring at the ceiling.
Did you take your morning dose?
No, I'm going to take it now.
- That's pretty late.
- Yeah.
- What benefits are they giving you?
- Utility bills, electricity,
public transportation,
and that's it.
They promised
sanatorium treatment.
Well, it's more of a
rest than treatment.
If you decline, you
get $2.5 more a month.
I declined the first time,
but now I'm gonna go.
I need to go to the welfare
office and ask about the options.
They usually give tickets for
both the patient and chaperone.
Maybe we'll go with my mom.
Shit, I'm worried.
My doc wants to see
your film when it comes out,
but I've definitely said things
that'll get me kicked out.
We'll make him
a special version.
Director Edition!
Director's Edition... Yeah.
He's super fucking curious!
Kimi was confident he was
beating the healthcare system.
Or was it beating him?
The meds in Kimi were
taking up more space
than Kimi himself.
More than my Kimi.
But some were jealous
of Kimi's prowess.
I wanted to check into a psychiatric
hospital and get on disability,
but my mom said I couldn't
because the psychiatrist says I'm fine.
It's total bullshit.
How can I be
fine if I'm like this?
- You wanted to get on disability?
- Yeah.
I don't think it's that easy.
I think they like
check everything.
They can check all they want.
Could you pretend to be psycho?
Sure, why not? If
Kimi can, I can too.
I think... he's
got a talent for it.
Maybe.
Kimi insisted he had
everything under control.
But can you really control anything
in the Depression Federation?
Other than your syringe and
other means of self-destruction?
Going on disability resulted
in an unfortunate side effect:
Kimi had to stay
at a mental hospital.
More often than
he would've liked.
Foggy thoughts
Disturbing my sleep
Everything is stuck
Someone's gotta say:
This isn't me.
This isn't me.
This isn't me.
This isn't me.
You're alumni
of the Institute of Violence
This isn't me.
What the fuck?
When I was 15, my
parents got scared
and put me in a
psychiatric hospital.
Basically, it's a scary place
where you're completely helpless
and completely alone.
Maybe she'll take you home?
They've got their own rules,
they can't just discharge you.
The medics who brought me here
said I didn't need to be hospitalized,
but my mom insisted.
So they had to,
but they didn't think
I needed to be.
When I saw the doctor,
he also asked why
they brought me in
over sleep talking.
There's people that
sleepwalk, even go outside,
and then don't
remember anything,
and they're considered sane. I
was just talking loudly in your sleep.
Can't you discharge yourself?
Asking for anything here
is like talking to
the hard of hearing.
But you're over 18!
You consent to treatment
upon being admitted.
- Did you sign anything?
- Of course!
It's a closed ward.
If you're acting up,
they can hold a panel,
to declare you legally insane,
certifying you can't be
responsible for yourself.
And then that's it.
It's rare, though. They
just keep you locked up.
Sometimes, you only get to
see your doc. every two months.
He'll see you
once and that's it.
So if you feel bad
because of the meds,
they just keep giving
you the same ones.
A change of meds
is very unlikely.
They just up your
dosage or shoot it.
Or put you on a drip.
It's better to say you're fine
and the meds are working,
then you might only
spend 14 or 21 days here.
I heard it's usually 21.
I mean I know it is.
It's fucking hard
to get cigarettes
and the food's inedible.
Quick, hide it!
I don't like his
current condition.
He won't get better here,
I should take him home.
I felt fine for the
past 6 months.
I started going to the gym.
OK, but why'd you go
drink with your buddy?
- It was only once!
- Once's enough.
- A demon seduced me.
- Right, a demon...
You're the demon!
Don't be mad, I really
wanted to see you.
I'm not mad, it's a compliment.
My nose and ears aren't
what they used to be.
Doesn't bode well...
How will I live without you?
That's a question of who dies
first. You really think it'll be me?
I'm going to outlive you.
I'm indestructible!
Here, drink.
Worrying about nonsense...
I really am worried about you!
It's all in God's hands.
It's not up to us
how long we'll live.
I already told you,
death is the 3rd birth.
After death, you're
born into eternal life.
Don't be scared of death.
1st birth's when you're born,
2nd's when you're baptized,
and the 3rd's when you die.
Those are the
three births of man.
I was reading an
Orthodox calendar.
It said if you need to
quit drinking or drugs,
or beat your demons,
you have to drink holy water on
an empty stomach for six weeks.
Yeah, I heard about that.
We'll try it with
the Lord's prayer.
We'll try.
Andryusha's already on it. I
poured him a carafe of holy water.
He hasn't shot up
in two or three days.
You have to set
goals for yourself
and decide what
you want out of life.
- Do you want to live or die?
- Yeah.
Marusya's got a goal
and films all day long.
She's keeping busy, unlike you.
Yup.
You're just go to hospital,
every three months,
like it's your job.
Dear citizens of Russia!
Dear friends!
2016!
That wonderful sensation
between the past and the future
goes back to childhood.
We look forward to it with
joy, hope, and anticipation.
The best is yet to come!
Life's fucking merciless.
I wanted to be president
when I was little.
But something went wrong.
It all went to shit.
When, do you think?
Probably when my dad
died. I gave into despair.
It's hard to count on
anything good happening
when people can
pass that abruptly.
There's no guarantees,
neither in Christianity,
nor in work, nor in drugs.
Anything can happen to
anyone and that scares me.
But meds help me not give a shit
and that makes me happy.
If you stare long enough at
the windows across the street,
you'll see us in one of them.
But in a parallel universe
where Kimi and
I are still married.
We have three kids. I
help them with homework.
I make breakfast,
lunch, and dinner.
I iron Kimi's shirts, while he's
at endless work meetings...
...at the Kremlin.
He comes home late and tired.
We're both tired. We don't even
kiss when we see each other.
Maybe we've grown
disappointed in each other.
Maybe we low-key hate
each other, or even outright.
Maybe we should be
grateful that's not case...
And that despite everything,
we're still together,
holding onto Alexander
the Great's precepts
of unlimited
agency and free will.
It weren't for
you, I'd run away.
If they'd let me out by
myself I'd never come back.
- Would they?
- They used to before.
What are they gonna do if I
take the metro out of here?
Would they even look for me?
Where would you go?
I'd get on the metro
and go to Max's
until things died down.
Except they might
get the cops involved...
Still, the treatment
is voluntary...
The problem is I don't
know the consequences.
If I knew what they were,
I'd run away right now.
Let's go pray in the chapel.
I'm not even doing
bad things anymore.
I'm trying to be a good person.
I help everyone.
I go to church and the gym.
I just smoke too much.
But it seems I'll have to pay
for my sins for the rest of my life.
It's just a week, not
the rest of your life.
I just wanted to
be a good person.
A good son, a good
husband, a good brother.
I never let people down.
I'm always ready
to help. I'm kind.
Why is this happening to me?
I'm in a mental hospital
for the fifth time in two years!
No movies, no internet...
...nothing.
Can't even listen to music... I don't
even remember what it sounds like!
- Kimi, don't be sad.
- How can I not?
- We'll get through this.
- You think?
Are visitors allowed tomorrow?
No, but they are the day after!
I'll bring your favorite magazines.
- Wednesday?
- Yeah.
- Mom's coming on Thursday?
- Yup!
I got a tooth missing,
I don't want to smile.
I felt really bad for Kimi,
but I sometimes got the feeling
that he spoke to the
camera and not me.
He was also drinking a
ton of chifir at the hospital,
and chifir makes you cry.
Regardless of
how sincere he was,
Kimi was doing really bad.
I'm finally home.
Home sweet home!
Dasha, we're back.
Frozen like an ice pack!
Listen to those purrs!
He's purring out of despair...
Come, I'll show you where I
put your socks and underwear.
You only need a little. Wet
your hair and use a drop.
Spread the foam around.
Don't use half the bottle.
- Deal?
- Deal.
- Wait, that's mine!
- Just once!
Why do you need it? It's for
your face, you don't need it.
- I do! I was in the hospital.
- Okay, fine.
- Does it go on dry skin?
- No, wet.
- How long's it take?
- Wash it off immediately.
- Did you get your meds?
- Yeah, next dose's at 8 p.m.
Is that enough?
Yeah.
Bomb!
Freakin' awesome!
Gonna wait for it to kick in.
Until what kicks in...?
It works immediately.
Wash it off.
- Come on, it's gonna sting!
- Let it sting.
It means the
pathogens are dying.
Nuh-uh!
Dasha, I'm smarter
than you. Deal with it.
You're a silly woman
who wears a push-up bra.
Why are you trying to argue?
A friend once told me,
never trust a woman
in a push-up bra.
Wow, so clean!
Gonna leave the matches.
Nobody'll steal them.
- I'm going to take a shower.
- You high already?
No way. It's the meds!
You sure? You seem high.
- High?
- Just a bit...
No drugs for me, at
least for six months.
I gotta wait.
A year even.
I look fine.
Go to the kitchen,
I'll be there in a sec.
Kimi!
Kimi's mom found
a syringe in the sink!
The sink?
What?
She's mad.
No idea where it came from.
- Really?
- Really!
Cat, cat kitty-cat.
Gotta pet the cat.
I'm gonna make
popcorn. Want some?
Did you take something?
Leftovers.
Where from?
Andryusha.
Two cotton balls.
Not my best moment,
but I barely feel anything.
Andryusha'll be pissed
his cooker's gone.
I'll get him a new one.
Where'd it go?
Mom took it.
I left it in the bathroom.
It's so beautiful!
Time to put on Slowdive.
Then, November 4, 2016 happened
and you died, Kimi.
If there's life after death
then it's digital like this.
Where you remain
pixelated forever.
Where each moment of our
lives repeats over and over.
For Marusya.
I remember the
scent of your hair,
the brand of shampoo you liked,
the little stretch marks
on your tiny bottom.
I also remember
the battle was tough
and that death was near.
I remember saying, "Never again"
and not believing it.
I remember loving
you, despite everything,
and you being the most
important person in my life.
I remember when your brother
was little and his nose bled at night.
And your dad's little daughters.
We were little ourselves.
I loved you in a
simple way, banal even,
but more than
anyone I ever knew.
I, a man that often drank
with women I didn't love,
embracing those
I didn't believe in.
I have so much left to say
and even more to do for you.
And, even now, I'm
ready to kill for you
because as long as I'm
alive, no one can ever
wrap you in ribbons of sorrow.
I'm yours and you
are probably mine,
I'll owe you until the very end,
and some more afterwards.
You'll stand alone at my funeral
and I'll stand behind you.
I'll hold your hand
tight, as tight as I can.
I buried my dad
and my best friends.
I survived two clinical deaths.
I saw you between the
charges of a defibrillator;
And knew that next
to you, I was immortal.
Please forgive me
for letting you all down.
For putting it all on the line.
For not being entirely honest.
For forsaking Ian and Lilu.
For the cold I had in my soul.
I didn't know life
would turn out this way.
That I would be
that indebted to you.
But it wasn't all for naught,
I know there's many
good years ahead of us.
If you can, forgive me.
I believe that you can.
And if not, I'll never know.
I'll go on living and loving
you the only way I know how.
We met when I was
16 in my "last year."
And now I am twice as old.
You were there for me,
insisting things would get better.
Things don't get better, you just
get used to the pain and all that shit.
Remember how we
joked that everyone over 30
was a cunt?
Well, here I am entering
the age of cuntdom.
I gotta go.
Thanks for being
great company, Kimi.
I miss you.