Huluween Dragstravaganza (2022) Movie Script
1
And don't forget, I only drink
the sparkling holy water.
It needs bubbles and a blessing.
Okay?
Sorry I'm late.
Ah, we're used to it by now.
- We all know you run on...
- Watch it.
Drag time.
Mm-hmm.
Now, where's the closet?
Oh, there is no closet.
Just hang it on one of those
rusty nails over there.
Rusty Nails.
Whatever happened to that queen?
She died
of tetanus.
So is there no mini fridge
for my homemade hummus
and my little organic
baby carrots?
No, but you're in luck.
It's colder than a witch's tit
back here.
Come on,
focus on the bright side.
At least we both have
a light bulb this time.
Bitch, I got two.
We also have that creepy old TV
in the corner.
Girl, this thing is so old,
it probably gets three channels:
Straight, white, and privileged.
We can't even watch
The Handmaid's Tale.
We don't need to watch it.
We are living it.
Oh, hell no.
That can't be good.
Turn it off. Turn it off.
- Bitch, how?
- It's not even plugged in.
I don't know,
just do your stand-up routine.
It always turns me off.
Harder.
Did you just hear that?
Harder.
This TV is kinky.
Slap my backside.
Don't threaten me
with a good time,
- Mr. Standard Def...
- No, no, no, no.
Mont, no, no.
If I've learned anything
in my life, it is,
do not wear white
after Labor Day
and never mess
with horny talking TVs.
That was weird, right?
Yeah, really weird.
You're on in ten.
Oh, and I forgot to mention,
whatever you do,
do not touch that old TV.
Break a leg, ladies.
Now a warning?
I want you inside me.
Toto, I don't think
we're in West Hollywood anymore.
Where the hell are we?
Well, duh, we're obviously in
a subatomic, microcosmic,
parallel quantum universe,
silly.
Is that the same as an NFT?
Mont, be careful
what you touch!
Did you learn nothing
from that demonic TV?
Ahh! A pretty book! Move.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Wait, wait, wait!
Oh, relax.
Maybe this dusty old book
will tell us why we're here.
What does it say?
It's a script
for The Huluween Drag Special,
"a comedic romp through
horror TV and movie tropes
"designed to promote
Hulu's celebration of Halloween
"in a fun and entertaining way.
Only on Hulu."
That is an awful title.
I would've gone
with something like...
The Huluween Dragstravaganza.
Yeah. Yeah.
Ooh, this says,
"Host this variety show,
or die."
What do you think that means?
I'm not
a linguistics expert, Mary,
but I think it means
that if we don't host the show,
we're gonna die!
Oh, yeah.
Well, if they want me to host,
they're gonna have to ask
my agent.
I don't even think
I'm available.
Good news: I'm available.
Okay, well, if only there was
some big over-the-top
opening number
to help explain
what all of this was about.
There's something chilling
in the atmosphere
Surrounded
by so many horrors here
What'd you call me?
With all this ass,
we cannot hide
And in these heels,
we cannot run
It seems
the nightmare's just begun
We've been dragged
to a world full of fright
Of things
that creep and crawl
And go bump in the night
It's glam and it's gore
It's bloody couture
And every freaky thing
we've ever seen before
Dungeons, demons,
goblins, and ghoul
Is it wrong to say
the werewolf's arms
Are making me drool?
It's crass and it's camp
It's monsters and vamps
Wearing chains and leather
and some nipple clamps
Oh, y'all are kinky. Okay.
This is
a Huluween Dragstravaganza
Huluween,
lost in the land of
Huluween Dragstravaganza
Will we survive?
Will we make it out alive?
Strap on in
and get ready to play
If it's a slasher they want
Then girl, we're gonna slay
So stick to the script
Or it's straight
to the crypt
It's gonna take some balls,
and I'm fully-equipped
Zombies and chainsaws
and hexes and witches
Torture devices
and blonde screaming bitches
Dolls that turned evil
and bloodthirsty aliens
And maybe if we're lucky,
a hot, murderous Australian
Oh, he can thunder
my down under.
This is
a Huluween Dragstravaganza
Huluween,
lost in the land of
Huluween Dragstravaganza
Will we survive?
Will we make it out alive?
All right,
if we're gonna host this thing,
we're gonna need
all the help we can get.
First an old friend,
she's filthy and funny
Brush off the dust,
here comes Lady Bunny
Mean like a serpent
and sweet like vanilla
Well, lick me and fold me
and call me Manila
Straight from Long Island,
Mo Heart's got the flow
Evil stands no chance here
Now here's the Merlot?
Double, double,
Spanx and stubble
Jackie's arrived
to beat off some trouble
Selene Luna is
one dangerous queen
I'm raising the dead,
if you know what I mean
This creature's a beauty
She's fierce
and she's cunning
It's Jujubee's jubilee,
and everyone's coming
Landon Cider approaches,
a deadly drag king
Call me Huluween Daddy
That's got a nice ring
Gay Uncle Mario is
deep in your mind
I bite and I scratch
and I stab from behind
I'm Ginger Minj
I'm Mont X Change
And we're gonna raise hell
The Huluween way
This is
a Huluween Dragstravaganza
Huluween,
lost in the land of
Huluween Dragstravaganza
Will we survive,
will we make it out a
Make it out a
Make it out alive?
Oh, my God.
Aww, thank you.
Well, now we know
what this is all about.
We do?
Yeah, this whole thing
is a tribute
to all the creepy shows
and scary movies
you can watch on Hulu
during Huluween.
And Huluween is...
A celebration
of Halloween on Hulu.
Do we gotta do that whole
opening number again?
- No. No, please.
- No. I understand.
This is all about Hulu,
which means these must be
the evil extensions
from the Hulu
original hit movie,
Bad Hair.
Unbe-weave-able. Oh.
And this pretty
gold-plated box...
Be careful with that.
This is the puzzle box
from Hell raiser,
the new original movie
streaming this Huluween.
Oh.
What the hell are those?
Like you don't know.
Girl, I do not need
padding back there.
Then they must be
the ass cheeks from Fresh.
Also streaming on Hulu.
I'm sensing a theme.
So what's next?
Oh, let's see.
It says here,
"It's time for our first
commercial break."
Oh, thank God.
- I gotta pee.
- Me too.
- Come on. Let's go together.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, boos.
Are you all alone on Halloween?
Are you dying
to have a good time?
Good time.
Call Ghoul Talk now
and talk to live girls.
And some not-so-live girls.
Witches. Vampires.
Porcelain dolls possessed
by the tormented souls
of brutally murdered
Victorian-era prostitutes.
I'm waiting to eat your face.
- Are you all alone?
- Somewhere secluded?
- It's okay.
- Give us your address.
We've got every monster
your filthy mind can imagine.
Ghosts. Zombies.
Social media influencers?
I know a lot of you
have been asking
about my skincare routine.
Don't waste your time in bed
with a boring bag of bones.
We'll keep you up
all night long.
Call now.
We'll have
a hell of a good time.
Calls are $6.66 cents a minute.
Interdimensional rates
may apply.
Ghoul Talk is not responsible
for rotting flesh,
uncontrollable vomiting,
spontaneous combustion,
or STDs such as ghost gonorrhea,
Halloween herpes,
or pumpkin spice pox.
This is cute.
Oh, honey, we're back.
I knew that.
What does Miss Book say is next?
Book
Ooh. Mm. Mm-mm-mm. Mm-mm.
What?
It worked for Bette Midler.
Yeah, a lot of things work
for Bette Midler
that clearly don't work for you.
It says,
"This isn't rocket surgery.
"Just do another short sketch
followed by another song,
you dumb bitch."
Did that book just read me?
Ugh, I can't believe
I didn't have
a single trick-or-treater.
That's 13 years in a row.
What am I gonna do
with all this candy?
Hello?
Hello?
Look, if you're trying
to scare me,
it's not gonna work, all right?
- I know someone's on the line.
- I can hear you breathing.
Caw. Caw.
Dad?
What's your favorite
scary movie?
I don't know,
The Ten Commandments?
- You're no fun, Jackie!
- It's me, Mo.
Oh, very funny, bitch.
I knew it was you
the whole time.
I'd recognize
that man voice anywhere, right?
Please tell me you're not home,
all alone, again.
Well, you know
that new guy I've been dating?
Turns out that Halloween is
his busiest night of the year.
So yes, for your information,
I am home,
alone, again.
I hope you're happy.
Oh, Jackie,
that doesn't make me happy.
This isn't a competition.
But I win.
Wait, is this that mysterious
Eastern European gentleman
you were telling me about?
Mm-hmm.
Girl, spill the tea!
Shut up. Your part's over.
No, Jackie.
I met a guy
In the twilight
I must admit
it was love at first bite
He's got a widow's peak
instead of bangs
And a real long, long, long
Set of fangs
Almost nightly,
he'll wine and dine me
Can't see him in the mirror
When he's right behind me
Hates the sun,
but he makes me feel young
And when he's hanging
upside down
He's so well hung
Oh, dating a vampire sucks
He asked me,
"Do you come here often?"
Then we did it in his coffin
Dating a vampire sucks
Last time he bit me,
he got stuck
Don't judge me,
I just wanna f...
Find a cute restaurant
or have a picnic in the park.
I don't know, something nice.
Sat me down
Said he must confess
Told me he's been seeing
other people's necks
But I never get enough
All my girlfriends
think I'm nuts
'Cause dating
a vampire "sucks"
Pretty sure
He's a vegan
'Cause my baby
doesn't like steaks
But he guzzles Bloody Marys
He's so thirsty
that it's scary
And he sucks my juice
just like I'm a grape
Listen, I'm not complaining.
Why do you think I put up
with this freak?
When he whispers
he loves me to death
I always swoon
because of his bad breath
Dating a vampire sucks
I've got one question,
can I ask it?
Should I move
into his casket?
Dating a vampire sucks
Listen, I know
what you're thinking
"Bitch, he hung out
with Abe Lincoln"
Too soon?
This relationship
really bites
Goes for the jugular
when we get in fights
But I kinda like it rough.
No sweats or high top Chucks
No, he's always in a tux,
yeah
Dating a vampire sucks
Oh, sometimes you take
the good with the bad
He's a pain in the neck
But he's still the best
I've ever had
Dating a vampire sucks
Now I have to wear
a turtleneck 24/7.
Dating a vampire sucks
Who has Italian food
with no garlic?
Dating a vampire sucks
Good luck finding SPF 1,500.
Dating a vampire sucks
What?
That was... dreadful.
Oh, I thought it was beautiful.
You also think
pineapple belongs on pizza.
Well, how else
am I supposed to get
my daily serving of fruit?
Why are you on your phone?
I'm creating
a social media post.
Now?
You think now is
the best time to do that?
Uh, I'm pretty sure being
sucked into a magical TV
and being transported
to wherever the hell this is
is beyond post-worthy.
And besides, it's so easy
to create stunning posts
and more using Canva,
amazing tools
right at your fingertips.
Did you just do
a product placement?
This would not be
a drag variety show
without at least one
product integration.
Huh.
Ooh! Look what I found.
It's an old TV remote.
- Don't...
- I wonder if it still works.
Touch it!
Good morning, everyone,
and welcome to ZNN,
the Zombie News Network,
your live coverage
of everything dead.
I'm Fluffy McDaniels,
and here are
today's top stories.
First, let's join
reporter Jorge Romero
at the annual
zombie pride celebration
being held downtown.
Jorge?
Back to you
in the studio, Fluffy.
Huh?
Thanks, Jorge.
Looks like everyone's having
so much fun.
I'd give my right arm
to be there with you.
And now, let's take a look
at today's weather
with meteorologist Sue Nawmi.
Thanks, Fluffy.
Today's weather report
is brought to you
by brains,
delicious, juicy brains.
In an omelet, a burrito,
or even fresh out of the skull.
Make the smart choice
and give in
to your brain cravings today.
Mm, sounds yummy, Sue.
What's it like out there?
Once again,
another scorcher, Fluffy,
with a high of 101 degrees.
If you're outside,
I'm sure you can smell
the unbearable stench
of melting human corpses
in the streets.
While that may be
repulsive to some,
I'm sure others are
making the most of it
and turning it into a barbecue.
Oh, looks like
another one got in.
Back to you, Fluffy.
Thanks, Sue.
Uh, well, uh, looks like
we're gonna wrap early today.
Thanks so much for watching.
I'm Fluffy McDaniels,
reminding you all
that zombies eat brains.
So don't read,
don't be informed,
and stay stupid.
Have a great day.
Taylor, we lost
another camera op.
Wow, that last thing was
a real think piece.
Yeah, I think I need a piece
of that Fluffy McDaniels.
- Okay.
- Mont, stop.
You're giving me a boner.
You've gone too far.
- What?
- No, don't change that channel...
Welcome back
to the big, gruesome finale
of The Next American Slasher.
I'm your host, Twink Martindale.
All right.
It has all come down to this.
Our top three madams of mayhem
will be competing to be crowned
this season's
Next American Slasher.
America,
this is your last chance
to cast your votes online
and set the winner free
back into society,
because why not?
This world is terrifying.
But before we do that,
let's take one last look back
at our contestants' journey.
I'm Ivana Killyoo.
I'm... 23.
I know I have what it takes
to be the Next American Slasher
because... well,
how do I put this politely?
I'm bat shit insane!
I didn't come here
to make friends.
I came here to bury them.
I'm Sybil Pleatherface.
I'm also 23.
And what I've learned most
during this competition
is that human skin is
really hard to sew.
Fashion is my life,
and I look up
to the greats before me.
Uh, Yves Saint Laurent.
Coco Chanel.
Ed Gein.
Google it, darlings.
- Hi, honey.
- My name is Cannabelle,
and I too am 23.
Now, I came to eat up
the competition, literally.
Some people say revenge is
a dish best served cold,
but I prefer
to put it in the oven
at 425 for 30 minutes.
Well, ladies, this is it.
Your final performance
and final opportunity
to win votes
from our viewing audience.
Let's hear it
for our final contestants
in The Next American Slasher.
I was a hand model,
the best of the best
Every day, they were
cutting those checks
I was on top, a big spender
Till my wig got caught
in a blender
I panicked,
I tried to get it out
But my hand got stuck
and never came out
Now I innovate,
got a hook for a hand
And I made my ugly feet
my brand
I hook 'em with my looks
Then I hook 'em with my hook
I drain the blood
and the bank accounts
Keep the millionaires shook
Are you ready?
I'm the Next
American Slasher
Watch your back 'cause
your blood's what I'm after
Here, kitty cat, you might
be fast, but I'm faster
Singing ayo, ayo, ayo
I'm gonna hunt you down
Ayo, ayo, ayo
I'm gonna hunt you down
Meow
Used to work at the mall
from 9:00 to 5:00
At Stuff-a-Plushie Workshop,
plush for life
Loved my job
till a Karen complained
It's not my fault
that I went insane
Poor little Timmy's
without his mama
But he's better off
without her drama
I scooped out her blood
and her guts and her bones
Stuffed her with cotton,
sewed her mouth closed
I got my own start-up,
I work from home
Sewing up Karen,
selling her clothes
It's not a lot,
but it's an honest life
And now I know my way
around a knife
I'm the Next
American Slasher
Watch your back 'cause
your blood's what I'm after
Here, kitty cat, you might
be fast, but I'm faster
Singing ayo, ayo, ayo
I'm gonna hunt you down
Ayo, ayo, ayo
I'm gonna hunt you down
Meow
911, what's your emergency?
My best friend said
we'd be friends for life
Till she took my man,
so she had to die
I chopped her up
and took a bite
Yeah, the bitch was
damn good over rice
Dead is dead
and facts is facts
I'ma eat your mom,
I'ma eat your dad
I'ma make you watch
and eat you last
'Cause, honey,
I'm a cannibal like that
Painted for the cell block,
painted for the walk off
Painted for the murders
till I can't talk, talk
Killer looks, killer hooks
Nails studded and sharp
Leave 'em dead,
leave 'em cold
Murder weapons in the front,
in the back
Got my fork, got my knife,
I'ma eat you alive
Can't let good meat
go to waste
Got that cannibal life,
got that cannibal taste
Taste, taste, taste, taste,
taste, taste, taste, taste
I'm the Next
American Slasher
Watch your back 'cause
your blood's what I'm after
Here, kitty cat, you might
be fast, but I'm faster
Singing ayo, ayo, ayo
I'm gonna hunt you down
Ayo, ayo, ayo
I'm gonna hunt you down
Meow
That was disturbing yet fun.
Yeah, kind of like
my last colonoscopy.
Speaking of anal probing,
we've seen all sorts
of scary things today.
Vampires, zombies,
Lady Bunny changing outfits.
But we haven't seen
any creatures from outer space.
- What, aliens?
- Girl, aliens are not real.
Although Jackie Beat might be
from another planet.
They say the truth is out there.
Out where?
I think I lost my truth
in the back of a pickup truck.
When it comes to this topic,
I think you and I
are just polar opposites.
Or are we more like...
Solar Opposites?
Something about today
feels special.
Hell yeah.
This is gonna be
scary as shit, yo.
I'll always hate
this spooky-ass month.
Especially Halloween.
It's too haunting
and spine-tingling.
- Too late.
- We've already committed.
We dug up a body
from a graveyard
and used dark sci-fi magic
to bring it to life.
Oh, shit!
This is awesome!
What is this,
some sort of Halloween trick?
I'm freaking out, man.
Your misery will be orchestrated
by the Dark Lord himself.
- Thanks for the update.
- Is there Wi-Fi here?
Did you put up 10,000 flyers
promising money
and free blow jobs
to anyone
who brought us a corpse?
Yes.
Well, you better break out
the Chap Stick, Terry.
It's gonna be a long night.
Some-bloody once told me
I ain't the sharpest ghoul
in the dead.
Wait, was that Smash Mouth?
See, those aliens aren't scary.
But they are
highly entertaining.
So what's next?
It says here it's time
for a musical guest,
but there's a cryptic message.
Keep Everything
Super Huluween Always.
The hell does that mean?
It's obviously some sort
of puzzle or code.
Oh, I figured it out.
Our special musical guest
is clearly Liza Minelli
's mom, Bethany?
Please forgive her.
They dies and gentlethems...
Kesha!
I am cannibal
I am cannibal
I have a heart, I swear I do
But just not, baby,
when it comes to you
I get so hungry
when you say you love me
Hush, if you can know
what's good for you
I think you're hot,
I think you're cool
You're the kind of guy
I'd stalk in school
But now that I'm famous,
you're up my anus
Now, boy,
I'm gonna eat you, fool
I eat boys up,
breakfast and lunch
Then when I'm thirsty,
I drink their blood
Carnivore, animal,
I am a cannibal
I eat boys up,
you better run
I am cannibal
I am
I am cannibal
I'll eat you up
I am
I am cannibal
I am
I am cannibal
I'll eat you up
Whenever you tell me
I'm pretty
That's when the hunger
really hits me
Your little heart
goes pitter-patter
I'll put your liver
on a platter
Use your finger
to stir my tea
And for dessert,
I'll suck your teeth
Be too sweet
and you'll be a goner
Yeah
I eat boys up,
breakfast and lunch
Then when I'm thirsty,
I drink their blood
Carnivore, animal,
I am a cannibal
I eat boys up,
you better run
I am cannibal
I am
I am cannibal
I'll eat you up
I am
I am cannibal
I am
I am cannibal
I'll eat you up
Whoa, whoa, whoa-oh
Whoa, whoa, whoa-oh
Whoa, whoa, whoa-oh
Whoa, whoa, whoa-oh
I am cannibal
I am
I am cannibal
I'll eat you up
I am
I am cannibal
I am
I am cannibal
I'll eat you up
Well,
according to the interwebs,
people are really falling
into the Huluween spirit.
- They're loving the show.
- I know.
Look at some of these comments.
- "Hilarious Huluween hijinks."
- Yas!
"Living
for the musical numbers."
Word.
- "Everyone looks so stunning."
- Stunning!
"Especially Ginger Minj.
"She's the funniest.
Oh, and the prettiest."
Girl, you posted that.
Yeah, prove it, bitch.
"Fierce." "She's living."
"She dead."
"Boots the house down."
"Work, mama," blah, blah, blah...
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh?
What "uh-uh"?
"So I'm watching werewolves
and vampires and zombies,
"like, prance across my screen,
but as per usual,
mummies have been left
out of the festivities."
- OMG, they're right.
- Yeah.
Well, you know
what we have to do now.
Give 'em a showstopping
number featuring mummies?
- Heck yes, we do.
- Mm-hmm.
But on such short notice,
where are we gonna find
two ancient creatures
all wrapped up in themselves?
Bunny and Jackie.
You can tell by our style,
been around quite a while
King Tut was the first guy
to hire us
Just your dusty old hacks,
we are both artifacts
Girl, I sent my first nude
on papyrus
We know all of the tricks,
wrote them in hieroglyphs
I invented that,
so don't make me sue ya
Maybe older than dirt
with cobwebs under our skirt
In any century,
you know we'll outdo ya
Everybody loves their mummy
You know Mama knows best
Better say
you love your mummy
'Cause you can't kill
what's dead
Who's your mummy?
Who's your mummy?
Screw your daddy,
who's your mummy?
Say I'm your mummy
No, I'm your mummy
Screw you, Bunny.
No thanks, honey.
We've been best friend,
you see
Since, like, 30 B. C.
Except briefly when that guy
came between us
Now our golden rule goes
Simply hos before bros
Or in other words,
pals before penis
What you may not know is
I almost gave up showbiz
For that same con man's
real estate dream
But he was stealing from me
'Cause it turned out to be
The very first
pyramid scheme
Everybody loves their mummy
You know Mama knows best
You better say
you love your mummy
'Cause you can't kill
what's dead
Who's your mummy?
Who's your mummy?
Screw your daddy,
who's your mummy?
Say I'm your mummy
No, I'm your mummy
Who's your mummy?
Who's your mummy?
I'm your mummy,
I'm your mummy
You claim to be my mummy
But you look
more like my daddy
We're just
a couple of old farts.
See, we even Tut-in-common.
Once a gal counts
three chins
Then the surgery begins
But each nip and tuck
is well-deserved
We're like quality ham
or a prize-winning jam
In the fact
that we're so well-preserved
We've been
stapled and snapped
But once we're unwrapped,
you may fail to recognize us
When you see our new face
and it comes time to praise
Don't Cleo-patronize us
[trombone "wah-wahs"
Everybody loves their mummy
You know Mama knows best
Better say
you love your mummy
Or we might get undressed
Who's your mummy?
Who's your mummy?
I'm your sister
and your mummy
Say I'm your mummy
No, I'm your mummy
Who's your mummy?
Who's your mummy?
I'm your mummy,
I'm your mummy
Damn, you're getting flabby
Girl, your makeup's
looking crummy
You've all heard of King Tut?
Well, say hello to Queen Slut.
You've all heard of Nefertiti.
Well, please welcome
to the stage Heifer-titi.
Hilarious.
Especially coming
from Nefer-funny.
You're so old,
you swam in the Dead Sea
when it was still getting sick.
You put the mess in Mesopotamia.
You put the not funny
in this show.
Kiss my ass.
Listen, this number may be
long and boring
and feature dusty old jokes,
but it does have one thing
going for it.
Yeah, it doesn't feature
Ginger or Mont.
Wow.
That was a lot of dad jokes
from two old mummies.
Yes, but it did the trick.
Look, the mummy community
was thrilled with the number.
Mm, not everybody was
thrilled, girl.
No, username
IHateEverything said,
"This Egyptian number sphinx."
Everyone's a critic.
Well, the good news is,
none of us ever have to sit
through that number again.
The bad news is, we're still
trapped here in this nightmare
where either one of us can be
slaughtered at any moment!
I'd much rather be home
watching Huluween
than being stuck inside it.
I know, tell me a...
Oh, you're just gonna walk away.
Okay.
Haven't we fulfilled
all of the commitments
of hosting a Huluween drag show?
I mean, we've been through
every page in this book.
Then why are we trapped here?
Hello?
We'd like to go home now.
Wait!
There's a page missing.
Somebody ripped it out.
What kind of an idiot
would do such a thing?
I don't know, but if I get
my hands on them, girl,
I'm gonna let them have it.
Oh.
What? I had to write
the werewolf's number down
somewhere.
Mm-hmm.
Never mind. What does it say?
I'm not giving you his number.
The other side.
Oh, it says,
"No self-respecting
Huluween drag variety show
"can end without a big,
splashy musical finale
featuring all the cast members."
Even the tone-deaf ones
with two left feet?
Yeah. Even you, bitch.
Oh, there's the music!
I guess the finale's
starting now.
Oh, thank God.
Listen, I missed my sister's
cousin's husband's
accountant's bris for this.
It's all happening.
This really is the big finale.
Is there any rule against
taking a monster home with me?
I don't know,
but tighten your corset.
It's time.
Oh, my God, wait,
is this the finale number?
Wait, what?
My pits are sweating.
Someone get me out of here.
- OMG, where are we?
- What's happening?
Yeah!
It's over
No more monsters
looking over my shoulder
No more spooky songs
'cause this is the closer
And it's time to say
goodbye to my friends
Let's not do this again,
it's the end, girlfriend
The Dragstravaganza's over.
Time to go our separate ways.
I can't believe we did it sober.
- Speak for yourself.
- I've been drunk for days.
- No, really, girls.
- That's it. We're done.
And we did it all with poise.
Though we do have some thoughts
on Mont's fashion choice.
And now we say good night
To this world of fright
No monsters or TV for me
I'm free!
Okay. Is it over?
No? No?
I thought we done did
everything in the book.
You did, girl.
But we've gotta sing
at least one more chorus.
Okay. A-one, two, three...
Girl, what was that?
I just wanted more screen time.
It's over
No more monsters
looking over my shoulder
No more spooky songs
'cause this is the closer
And it's time to say
goodbye to my friends
Let's not do this again,
it's the end, girlfriend
No ghouls, no bats,
nighty-night, it's over
We won't come back,
nighty-night, it's over
No ghosts, just pass,
nighty-night, it's over
We won't come back
I'm getting back in my crypt.
No ghouls, no bats
Nuh-uh.
Nighty-night, it's over
We won't come back,
nighty-night, it's over
No ghosts, just pass,
nighty-night, it's over
We won't come back
Until next year!
It's over
No more monsters
looking over my shoulder
No more spooky songs
'cause this is the closer
And it's time to say
goodbye to my friends
Let's not do this again,
it's the end, girlfriend
Something's happening.
I think it worked.
This really is the end.
Oh, farewell, everyone!
It's been real,
but it's not been fun.
Ta-ta, bitches!
- Bye.
- Suck it, Jackie.
Finally, I haven't eaten,
in, like 20 minutes.
A world record for you.
Let's not do this again,
it's the end, girlfriend
We did it.
Key word, "we."
Yes, yes,
I think we both learned
a very valuable lesson
here today.
That, uh, cooperation
and teamwork
are the only way to get through
this crazy world?
No, I learned that
it's every bitch for herself.
What are you gonna do,
bedazzle me to death?
You're toast, bitch.
No. No!
No. No!
Ladies, you're on.
Girl, get yourself together.
It was just a dream.
- Right.
- We still have a show to do.
What do you say we go
out there and knock 'em dead?
I am not changing
my shoes, though.
Girl, me either.
And don't forget, I only drink
the sparkling holy water.
It needs bubbles and a blessing.
Okay?
Sorry I'm late.
Ah, we're used to it by now.
- We all know you run on...
- Watch it.
Drag time.
Mm-hmm.
Now, where's the closet?
Oh, there is no closet.
Just hang it on one of those
rusty nails over there.
Rusty Nails.
Whatever happened to that queen?
She died
of tetanus.
So is there no mini fridge
for my homemade hummus
and my little organic
baby carrots?
No, but you're in luck.
It's colder than a witch's tit
back here.
Come on,
focus on the bright side.
At least we both have
a light bulb this time.
Bitch, I got two.
We also have that creepy old TV
in the corner.
Girl, this thing is so old,
it probably gets three channels:
Straight, white, and privileged.
We can't even watch
The Handmaid's Tale.
We don't need to watch it.
We are living it.
Oh, hell no.
That can't be good.
Turn it off. Turn it off.
- Bitch, how?
- It's not even plugged in.
I don't know,
just do your stand-up routine.
It always turns me off.
Harder.
Did you just hear that?
Harder.
This TV is kinky.
Slap my backside.
Don't threaten me
with a good time,
- Mr. Standard Def...
- No, no, no, no.
Mont, no, no.
If I've learned anything
in my life, it is,
do not wear white
after Labor Day
and never mess
with horny talking TVs.
That was weird, right?
Yeah, really weird.
You're on in ten.
Oh, and I forgot to mention,
whatever you do,
do not touch that old TV.
Break a leg, ladies.
Now a warning?
I want you inside me.
Toto, I don't think
we're in West Hollywood anymore.
Where the hell are we?
Well, duh, we're obviously in
a subatomic, microcosmic,
parallel quantum universe,
silly.
Is that the same as an NFT?
Mont, be careful
what you touch!
Did you learn nothing
from that demonic TV?
Ahh! A pretty book! Move.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Wait, wait, wait!
Oh, relax.
Maybe this dusty old book
will tell us why we're here.
What does it say?
It's a script
for The Huluween Drag Special,
"a comedic romp through
horror TV and movie tropes
"designed to promote
Hulu's celebration of Halloween
"in a fun and entertaining way.
Only on Hulu."
That is an awful title.
I would've gone
with something like...
The Huluween Dragstravaganza.
Yeah. Yeah.
Ooh, this says,
"Host this variety show,
or die."
What do you think that means?
I'm not
a linguistics expert, Mary,
but I think it means
that if we don't host the show,
we're gonna die!
Oh, yeah.
Well, if they want me to host,
they're gonna have to ask
my agent.
I don't even think
I'm available.
Good news: I'm available.
Okay, well, if only there was
some big over-the-top
opening number
to help explain
what all of this was about.
There's something chilling
in the atmosphere
Surrounded
by so many horrors here
What'd you call me?
With all this ass,
we cannot hide
And in these heels,
we cannot run
It seems
the nightmare's just begun
We've been dragged
to a world full of fright
Of things
that creep and crawl
And go bump in the night
It's glam and it's gore
It's bloody couture
And every freaky thing
we've ever seen before
Dungeons, demons,
goblins, and ghoul
Is it wrong to say
the werewolf's arms
Are making me drool?
It's crass and it's camp
It's monsters and vamps
Wearing chains and leather
and some nipple clamps
Oh, y'all are kinky. Okay.
This is
a Huluween Dragstravaganza
Huluween,
lost in the land of
Huluween Dragstravaganza
Will we survive?
Will we make it out alive?
Strap on in
and get ready to play
If it's a slasher they want
Then girl, we're gonna slay
So stick to the script
Or it's straight
to the crypt
It's gonna take some balls,
and I'm fully-equipped
Zombies and chainsaws
and hexes and witches
Torture devices
and blonde screaming bitches
Dolls that turned evil
and bloodthirsty aliens
And maybe if we're lucky,
a hot, murderous Australian
Oh, he can thunder
my down under.
This is
a Huluween Dragstravaganza
Huluween,
lost in the land of
Huluween Dragstravaganza
Will we survive?
Will we make it out alive?
All right,
if we're gonna host this thing,
we're gonna need
all the help we can get.
First an old friend,
she's filthy and funny
Brush off the dust,
here comes Lady Bunny
Mean like a serpent
and sweet like vanilla
Well, lick me and fold me
and call me Manila
Straight from Long Island,
Mo Heart's got the flow
Evil stands no chance here
Now here's the Merlot?
Double, double,
Spanx and stubble
Jackie's arrived
to beat off some trouble
Selene Luna is
one dangerous queen
I'm raising the dead,
if you know what I mean
This creature's a beauty
She's fierce
and she's cunning
It's Jujubee's jubilee,
and everyone's coming
Landon Cider approaches,
a deadly drag king
Call me Huluween Daddy
That's got a nice ring
Gay Uncle Mario is
deep in your mind
I bite and I scratch
and I stab from behind
I'm Ginger Minj
I'm Mont X Change
And we're gonna raise hell
The Huluween way
This is
a Huluween Dragstravaganza
Huluween,
lost in the land of
Huluween Dragstravaganza
Will we survive,
will we make it out a
Make it out a
Make it out alive?
Oh, my God.
Aww, thank you.
Well, now we know
what this is all about.
We do?
Yeah, this whole thing
is a tribute
to all the creepy shows
and scary movies
you can watch on Hulu
during Huluween.
And Huluween is...
A celebration
of Halloween on Hulu.
Do we gotta do that whole
opening number again?
- No. No, please.
- No. I understand.
This is all about Hulu,
which means these must be
the evil extensions
from the Hulu
original hit movie,
Bad Hair.
Unbe-weave-able. Oh.
And this pretty
gold-plated box...
Be careful with that.
This is the puzzle box
from Hell raiser,
the new original movie
streaming this Huluween.
Oh.
What the hell are those?
Like you don't know.
Girl, I do not need
padding back there.
Then they must be
the ass cheeks from Fresh.
Also streaming on Hulu.
I'm sensing a theme.
So what's next?
Oh, let's see.
It says here,
"It's time for our first
commercial break."
Oh, thank God.
- I gotta pee.
- Me too.
- Come on. Let's go together.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, boos.
Are you all alone on Halloween?
Are you dying
to have a good time?
Good time.
Call Ghoul Talk now
and talk to live girls.
And some not-so-live girls.
Witches. Vampires.
Porcelain dolls possessed
by the tormented souls
of brutally murdered
Victorian-era prostitutes.
I'm waiting to eat your face.
- Are you all alone?
- Somewhere secluded?
- It's okay.
- Give us your address.
We've got every monster
your filthy mind can imagine.
Ghosts. Zombies.
Social media influencers?
I know a lot of you
have been asking
about my skincare routine.
Don't waste your time in bed
with a boring bag of bones.
We'll keep you up
all night long.
Call now.
We'll have
a hell of a good time.
Calls are $6.66 cents a minute.
Interdimensional rates
may apply.
Ghoul Talk is not responsible
for rotting flesh,
uncontrollable vomiting,
spontaneous combustion,
or STDs such as ghost gonorrhea,
Halloween herpes,
or pumpkin spice pox.
This is cute.
Oh, honey, we're back.
I knew that.
What does Miss Book say is next?
Book
Ooh. Mm. Mm-mm-mm. Mm-mm.
What?
It worked for Bette Midler.
Yeah, a lot of things work
for Bette Midler
that clearly don't work for you.
It says,
"This isn't rocket surgery.
"Just do another short sketch
followed by another song,
you dumb bitch."
Did that book just read me?
Ugh, I can't believe
I didn't have
a single trick-or-treater.
That's 13 years in a row.
What am I gonna do
with all this candy?
Hello?
Hello?
Look, if you're trying
to scare me,
it's not gonna work, all right?
- I know someone's on the line.
- I can hear you breathing.
Caw. Caw.
Dad?
What's your favorite
scary movie?
I don't know,
The Ten Commandments?
- You're no fun, Jackie!
- It's me, Mo.
Oh, very funny, bitch.
I knew it was you
the whole time.
I'd recognize
that man voice anywhere, right?
Please tell me you're not home,
all alone, again.
Well, you know
that new guy I've been dating?
Turns out that Halloween is
his busiest night of the year.
So yes, for your information,
I am home,
alone, again.
I hope you're happy.
Oh, Jackie,
that doesn't make me happy.
This isn't a competition.
But I win.
Wait, is this that mysterious
Eastern European gentleman
you were telling me about?
Mm-hmm.
Girl, spill the tea!
Shut up. Your part's over.
No, Jackie.
I met a guy
In the twilight
I must admit
it was love at first bite
He's got a widow's peak
instead of bangs
And a real long, long, long
Set of fangs
Almost nightly,
he'll wine and dine me
Can't see him in the mirror
When he's right behind me
Hates the sun,
but he makes me feel young
And when he's hanging
upside down
He's so well hung
Oh, dating a vampire sucks
He asked me,
"Do you come here often?"
Then we did it in his coffin
Dating a vampire sucks
Last time he bit me,
he got stuck
Don't judge me,
I just wanna f...
Find a cute restaurant
or have a picnic in the park.
I don't know, something nice.
Sat me down
Said he must confess
Told me he's been seeing
other people's necks
But I never get enough
All my girlfriends
think I'm nuts
'Cause dating
a vampire "sucks"
Pretty sure
He's a vegan
'Cause my baby
doesn't like steaks
But he guzzles Bloody Marys
He's so thirsty
that it's scary
And he sucks my juice
just like I'm a grape
Listen, I'm not complaining.
Why do you think I put up
with this freak?
When he whispers
he loves me to death
I always swoon
because of his bad breath
Dating a vampire sucks
I've got one question,
can I ask it?
Should I move
into his casket?
Dating a vampire sucks
Listen, I know
what you're thinking
"Bitch, he hung out
with Abe Lincoln"
Too soon?
This relationship
really bites
Goes for the jugular
when we get in fights
But I kinda like it rough.
No sweats or high top Chucks
No, he's always in a tux,
yeah
Dating a vampire sucks
Oh, sometimes you take
the good with the bad
He's a pain in the neck
But he's still the best
I've ever had
Dating a vampire sucks
Now I have to wear
a turtleneck 24/7.
Dating a vampire sucks
Who has Italian food
with no garlic?
Dating a vampire sucks
Good luck finding SPF 1,500.
Dating a vampire sucks
What?
That was... dreadful.
Oh, I thought it was beautiful.
You also think
pineapple belongs on pizza.
Well, how else
am I supposed to get
my daily serving of fruit?
Why are you on your phone?
I'm creating
a social media post.
Now?
You think now is
the best time to do that?
Uh, I'm pretty sure being
sucked into a magical TV
and being transported
to wherever the hell this is
is beyond post-worthy.
And besides, it's so easy
to create stunning posts
and more using Canva,
amazing tools
right at your fingertips.
Did you just do
a product placement?
This would not be
a drag variety show
without at least one
product integration.
Huh.
Ooh! Look what I found.
It's an old TV remote.
- Don't...
- I wonder if it still works.
Touch it!
Good morning, everyone,
and welcome to ZNN,
the Zombie News Network,
your live coverage
of everything dead.
I'm Fluffy McDaniels,
and here are
today's top stories.
First, let's join
reporter Jorge Romero
at the annual
zombie pride celebration
being held downtown.
Jorge?
Back to you
in the studio, Fluffy.
Huh?
Thanks, Jorge.
Looks like everyone's having
so much fun.
I'd give my right arm
to be there with you.
And now, let's take a look
at today's weather
with meteorologist Sue Nawmi.
Thanks, Fluffy.
Today's weather report
is brought to you
by brains,
delicious, juicy brains.
In an omelet, a burrito,
or even fresh out of the skull.
Make the smart choice
and give in
to your brain cravings today.
Mm, sounds yummy, Sue.
What's it like out there?
Once again,
another scorcher, Fluffy,
with a high of 101 degrees.
If you're outside,
I'm sure you can smell
the unbearable stench
of melting human corpses
in the streets.
While that may be
repulsive to some,
I'm sure others are
making the most of it
and turning it into a barbecue.
Oh, looks like
another one got in.
Back to you, Fluffy.
Thanks, Sue.
Uh, well, uh, looks like
we're gonna wrap early today.
Thanks so much for watching.
I'm Fluffy McDaniels,
reminding you all
that zombies eat brains.
So don't read,
don't be informed,
and stay stupid.
Have a great day.
Taylor, we lost
another camera op.
Wow, that last thing was
a real think piece.
Yeah, I think I need a piece
of that Fluffy McDaniels.
- Okay.
- Mont, stop.
You're giving me a boner.
You've gone too far.
- What?
- No, don't change that channel...
Welcome back
to the big, gruesome finale
of The Next American Slasher.
I'm your host, Twink Martindale.
All right.
It has all come down to this.
Our top three madams of mayhem
will be competing to be crowned
this season's
Next American Slasher.
America,
this is your last chance
to cast your votes online
and set the winner free
back into society,
because why not?
This world is terrifying.
But before we do that,
let's take one last look back
at our contestants' journey.
I'm Ivana Killyoo.
I'm... 23.
I know I have what it takes
to be the Next American Slasher
because... well,
how do I put this politely?
I'm bat shit insane!
I didn't come here
to make friends.
I came here to bury them.
I'm Sybil Pleatherface.
I'm also 23.
And what I've learned most
during this competition
is that human skin is
really hard to sew.
Fashion is my life,
and I look up
to the greats before me.
Uh, Yves Saint Laurent.
Coco Chanel.
Ed Gein.
Google it, darlings.
- Hi, honey.
- My name is Cannabelle,
and I too am 23.
Now, I came to eat up
the competition, literally.
Some people say revenge is
a dish best served cold,
but I prefer
to put it in the oven
at 425 for 30 minutes.
Well, ladies, this is it.
Your final performance
and final opportunity
to win votes
from our viewing audience.
Let's hear it
for our final contestants
in The Next American Slasher.
I was a hand model,
the best of the best
Every day, they were
cutting those checks
I was on top, a big spender
Till my wig got caught
in a blender
I panicked,
I tried to get it out
But my hand got stuck
and never came out
Now I innovate,
got a hook for a hand
And I made my ugly feet
my brand
I hook 'em with my looks
Then I hook 'em with my hook
I drain the blood
and the bank accounts
Keep the millionaires shook
Are you ready?
I'm the Next
American Slasher
Watch your back 'cause
your blood's what I'm after
Here, kitty cat, you might
be fast, but I'm faster
Singing ayo, ayo, ayo
I'm gonna hunt you down
Ayo, ayo, ayo
I'm gonna hunt you down
Meow
Used to work at the mall
from 9:00 to 5:00
At Stuff-a-Plushie Workshop,
plush for life
Loved my job
till a Karen complained
It's not my fault
that I went insane
Poor little Timmy's
without his mama
But he's better off
without her drama
I scooped out her blood
and her guts and her bones
Stuffed her with cotton,
sewed her mouth closed
I got my own start-up,
I work from home
Sewing up Karen,
selling her clothes
It's not a lot,
but it's an honest life
And now I know my way
around a knife
I'm the Next
American Slasher
Watch your back 'cause
your blood's what I'm after
Here, kitty cat, you might
be fast, but I'm faster
Singing ayo, ayo, ayo
I'm gonna hunt you down
Ayo, ayo, ayo
I'm gonna hunt you down
Meow
911, what's your emergency?
My best friend said
we'd be friends for life
Till she took my man,
so she had to die
I chopped her up
and took a bite
Yeah, the bitch was
damn good over rice
Dead is dead
and facts is facts
I'ma eat your mom,
I'ma eat your dad
I'ma make you watch
and eat you last
'Cause, honey,
I'm a cannibal like that
Painted for the cell block,
painted for the walk off
Painted for the murders
till I can't talk, talk
Killer looks, killer hooks
Nails studded and sharp
Leave 'em dead,
leave 'em cold
Murder weapons in the front,
in the back
Got my fork, got my knife,
I'ma eat you alive
Can't let good meat
go to waste
Got that cannibal life,
got that cannibal taste
Taste, taste, taste, taste,
taste, taste, taste, taste
I'm the Next
American Slasher
Watch your back 'cause
your blood's what I'm after
Here, kitty cat, you might
be fast, but I'm faster
Singing ayo, ayo, ayo
I'm gonna hunt you down
Ayo, ayo, ayo
I'm gonna hunt you down
Meow
That was disturbing yet fun.
Yeah, kind of like
my last colonoscopy.
Speaking of anal probing,
we've seen all sorts
of scary things today.
Vampires, zombies,
Lady Bunny changing outfits.
But we haven't seen
any creatures from outer space.
- What, aliens?
- Girl, aliens are not real.
Although Jackie Beat might be
from another planet.
They say the truth is out there.
Out where?
I think I lost my truth
in the back of a pickup truck.
When it comes to this topic,
I think you and I
are just polar opposites.
Or are we more like...
Solar Opposites?
Something about today
feels special.
Hell yeah.
This is gonna be
scary as shit, yo.
I'll always hate
this spooky-ass month.
Especially Halloween.
It's too haunting
and spine-tingling.
- Too late.
- We've already committed.
We dug up a body
from a graveyard
and used dark sci-fi magic
to bring it to life.
Oh, shit!
This is awesome!
What is this,
some sort of Halloween trick?
I'm freaking out, man.
Your misery will be orchestrated
by the Dark Lord himself.
- Thanks for the update.
- Is there Wi-Fi here?
Did you put up 10,000 flyers
promising money
and free blow jobs
to anyone
who brought us a corpse?
Yes.
Well, you better break out
the Chap Stick, Terry.
It's gonna be a long night.
Some-bloody once told me
I ain't the sharpest ghoul
in the dead.
Wait, was that Smash Mouth?
See, those aliens aren't scary.
But they are
highly entertaining.
So what's next?
It says here it's time
for a musical guest,
but there's a cryptic message.
Keep Everything
Super Huluween Always.
The hell does that mean?
It's obviously some sort
of puzzle or code.
Oh, I figured it out.
Our special musical guest
is clearly Liza Minelli
's mom, Bethany?
Please forgive her.
They dies and gentlethems...
Kesha!
I am cannibal
I am cannibal
I have a heart, I swear I do
But just not, baby,
when it comes to you
I get so hungry
when you say you love me
Hush, if you can know
what's good for you
I think you're hot,
I think you're cool
You're the kind of guy
I'd stalk in school
But now that I'm famous,
you're up my anus
Now, boy,
I'm gonna eat you, fool
I eat boys up,
breakfast and lunch
Then when I'm thirsty,
I drink their blood
Carnivore, animal,
I am a cannibal
I eat boys up,
you better run
I am cannibal
I am
I am cannibal
I'll eat you up
I am
I am cannibal
I am
I am cannibal
I'll eat you up
Whenever you tell me
I'm pretty
That's when the hunger
really hits me
Your little heart
goes pitter-patter
I'll put your liver
on a platter
Use your finger
to stir my tea
And for dessert,
I'll suck your teeth
Be too sweet
and you'll be a goner
Yeah
I eat boys up,
breakfast and lunch
Then when I'm thirsty,
I drink their blood
Carnivore, animal,
I am a cannibal
I eat boys up,
you better run
I am cannibal
I am
I am cannibal
I'll eat you up
I am
I am cannibal
I am
I am cannibal
I'll eat you up
Whoa, whoa, whoa-oh
Whoa, whoa, whoa-oh
Whoa, whoa, whoa-oh
Whoa, whoa, whoa-oh
I am cannibal
I am
I am cannibal
I'll eat you up
I am
I am cannibal
I am
I am cannibal
I'll eat you up
Well,
according to the interwebs,
people are really falling
into the Huluween spirit.
- They're loving the show.
- I know.
Look at some of these comments.
- "Hilarious Huluween hijinks."
- Yas!
"Living
for the musical numbers."
Word.
- "Everyone looks so stunning."
- Stunning!
"Especially Ginger Minj.
"She's the funniest.
Oh, and the prettiest."
Girl, you posted that.
Yeah, prove it, bitch.
"Fierce." "She's living."
"She dead."
"Boots the house down."
"Work, mama," blah, blah, blah...
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh?
What "uh-uh"?
"So I'm watching werewolves
and vampires and zombies,
"like, prance across my screen,
but as per usual,
mummies have been left
out of the festivities."
- OMG, they're right.
- Yeah.
Well, you know
what we have to do now.
Give 'em a showstopping
number featuring mummies?
- Heck yes, we do.
- Mm-hmm.
But on such short notice,
where are we gonna find
two ancient creatures
all wrapped up in themselves?
Bunny and Jackie.
You can tell by our style,
been around quite a while
King Tut was the first guy
to hire us
Just your dusty old hacks,
we are both artifacts
Girl, I sent my first nude
on papyrus
We know all of the tricks,
wrote them in hieroglyphs
I invented that,
so don't make me sue ya
Maybe older than dirt
with cobwebs under our skirt
In any century,
you know we'll outdo ya
Everybody loves their mummy
You know Mama knows best
Better say
you love your mummy
'Cause you can't kill
what's dead
Who's your mummy?
Who's your mummy?
Screw your daddy,
who's your mummy?
Say I'm your mummy
No, I'm your mummy
Screw you, Bunny.
No thanks, honey.
We've been best friend,
you see
Since, like, 30 B. C.
Except briefly when that guy
came between us
Now our golden rule goes
Simply hos before bros
Or in other words,
pals before penis
What you may not know is
I almost gave up showbiz
For that same con man's
real estate dream
But he was stealing from me
'Cause it turned out to be
The very first
pyramid scheme
Everybody loves their mummy
You know Mama knows best
You better say
you love your mummy
'Cause you can't kill
what's dead
Who's your mummy?
Who's your mummy?
Screw your daddy,
who's your mummy?
Say I'm your mummy
No, I'm your mummy
Who's your mummy?
Who's your mummy?
I'm your mummy,
I'm your mummy
You claim to be my mummy
But you look
more like my daddy
We're just
a couple of old farts.
See, we even Tut-in-common.
Once a gal counts
three chins
Then the surgery begins
But each nip and tuck
is well-deserved
We're like quality ham
or a prize-winning jam
In the fact
that we're so well-preserved
We've been
stapled and snapped
But once we're unwrapped,
you may fail to recognize us
When you see our new face
and it comes time to praise
Don't Cleo-patronize us
[trombone "wah-wahs"
Everybody loves their mummy
You know Mama knows best
Better say
you love your mummy
Or we might get undressed
Who's your mummy?
Who's your mummy?
I'm your sister
and your mummy
Say I'm your mummy
No, I'm your mummy
Who's your mummy?
Who's your mummy?
I'm your mummy,
I'm your mummy
Damn, you're getting flabby
Girl, your makeup's
looking crummy
You've all heard of King Tut?
Well, say hello to Queen Slut.
You've all heard of Nefertiti.
Well, please welcome
to the stage Heifer-titi.
Hilarious.
Especially coming
from Nefer-funny.
You're so old,
you swam in the Dead Sea
when it was still getting sick.
You put the mess in Mesopotamia.
You put the not funny
in this show.
Kiss my ass.
Listen, this number may be
long and boring
and feature dusty old jokes,
but it does have one thing
going for it.
Yeah, it doesn't feature
Ginger or Mont.
Wow.
That was a lot of dad jokes
from two old mummies.
Yes, but it did the trick.
Look, the mummy community
was thrilled with the number.
Mm, not everybody was
thrilled, girl.
No, username
IHateEverything said,
"This Egyptian number sphinx."
Everyone's a critic.
Well, the good news is,
none of us ever have to sit
through that number again.
The bad news is, we're still
trapped here in this nightmare
where either one of us can be
slaughtered at any moment!
I'd much rather be home
watching Huluween
than being stuck inside it.
I know, tell me a...
Oh, you're just gonna walk away.
Okay.
Haven't we fulfilled
all of the commitments
of hosting a Huluween drag show?
I mean, we've been through
every page in this book.
Then why are we trapped here?
Hello?
We'd like to go home now.
Wait!
There's a page missing.
Somebody ripped it out.
What kind of an idiot
would do such a thing?
I don't know, but if I get
my hands on them, girl,
I'm gonna let them have it.
Oh.
What? I had to write
the werewolf's number down
somewhere.
Mm-hmm.
Never mind. What does it say?
I'm not giving you his number.
The other side.
Oh, it says,
"No self-respecting
Huluween drag variety show
"can end without a big,
splashy musical finale
featuring all the cast members."
Even the tone-deaf ones
with two left feet?
Yeah. Even you, bitch.
Oh, there's the music!
I guess the finale's
starting now.
Oh, thank God.
Listen, I missed my sister's
cousin's husband's
accountant's bris for this.
It's all happening.
This really is the big finale.
Is there any rule against
taking a monster home with me?
I don't know,
but tighten your corset.
It's time.
Oh, my God, wait,
is this the finale number?
Wait, what?
My pits are sweating.
Someone get me out of here.
- OMG, where are we?
- What's happening?
Yeah!
It's over
No more monsters
looking over my shoulder
No more spooky songs
'cause this is the closer
And it's time to say
goodbye to my friends
Let's not do this again,
it's the end, girlfriend
The Dragstravaganza's over.
Time to go our separate ways.
I can't believe we did it sober.
- Speak for yourself.
- I've been drunk for days.
- No, really, girls.
- That's it. We're done.
And we did it all with poise.
Though we do have some thoughts
on Mont's fashion choice.
And now we say good night
To this world of fright
No monsters or TV for me
I'm free!
Okay. Is it over?
No? No?
I thought we done did
everything in the book.
You did, girl.
But we've gotta sing
at least one more chorus.
Okay. A-one, two, three...
Girl, what was that?
I just wanted more screen time.
It's over
No more monsters
looking over my shoulder
No more spooky songs
'cause this is the closer
And it's time to say
goodbye to my friends
Let's not do this again,
it's the end, girlfriend
No ghouls, no bats,
nighty-night, it's over
We won't come back,
nighty-night, it's over
No ghosts, just pass,
nighty-night, it's over
We won't come back
I'm getting back in my crypt.
No ghouls, no bats
Nuh-uh.
Nighty-night, it's over
We won't come back,
nighty-night, it's over
No ghosts, just pass,
nighty-night, it's over
We won't come back
Until next year!
It's over
No more monsters
looking over my shoulder
No more spooky songs
'cause this is the closer
And it's time to say
goodbye to my friends
Let's not do this again,
it's the end, girlfriend
Something's happening.
I think it worked.
This really is the end.
Oh, farewell, everyone!
It's been real,
but it's not been fun.
Ta-ta, bitches!
- Bye.
- Suck it, Jackie.
Finally, I haven't eaten,
in, like 20 minutes.
A world record for you.
Let's not do this again,
it's the end, girlfriend
We did it.
Key word, "we."
Yes, yes,
I think we both learned
a very valuable lesson
here today.
That, uh, cooperation
and teamwork
are the only way to get through
this crazy world?
No, I learned that
it's every bitch for herself.
What are you gonna do,
bedazzle me to death?
You're toast, bitch.
No. No!
No. No!
Ladies, you're on.
Girl, get yourself together.
It was just a dream.
- Right.
- We still have a show to do.
What do you say we go
out there and knock 'em dead?
I am not changing
my shoes, though.
Girl, me either.