Humanist Vampire Seeking Consenting Suicidal Person (2023) Movie Script
1
A bit more.
Georgette, hold her
so she doesn't fall.
I've got her...
That's it!
Sasha, I saw you peeking.
No, not true.
Denise, stop teasing your cousin.
Closer...
Over here!
You're getting warmer!
You got it.
Open your eyes!
Happy birthday, Sasha!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
The guy at the store said
it's the best book for beginners.
Did she have secret lessons?
No, this the first time
she's ever touched a piano, I think?
Must be in her blood.
Sounds like another gift!
For real?
Should I answer?
I thought we said
no other gifts.
I'm allowed to spoil her.
She's my only niece.
No, Denise,
that's for me!
It is I,
Rico the Rooster!
Honk my snout
and I'll twist and shout.
A clown!
Yup.
Hello.
Welcome, Mr. Rico.
Left, then right.
Swing all around,
left, right.
With your hands.
Don't get dizzy now!
And a round of applause.
Aren't clowns
supposed to be funny?
Well... the art of clowning is vast.
I can do magic.
-Do you like magic?
-Yes, magic!
OK, I need...
An item from
my magic trunk.
If I can find it...
These are handcuffs.
Rico's gonna
put them on,
then lock himself
in the magic trunk.
In less than a minute
he'll hop out,
his hands free
and with a new hairdo.
You can close the trunk.
I can't take this anymore.
When do we eat him?
I'm starving!
Rico needs your help now.
Sweetie, I know
your gift is amusing, but...
he'll also be tasty.
We have your back.
Come.
I'm suffocating.
Help me, I'm gonna...
Rico's claustrophobic!
Rico's claustrophobic!
Come, we'll do it together.
C'mon Sasha, I'm hungry.
It's her gift, be patient.
Your fangs will
come in on their own.
Come!
Thank you!
-What's going on?
-Stop screaming.
Let me go!
Her roots are long enough.
Everything's there...
So why didn't they come out?
No clue.
It could be
a nervous system thing.
Daddy!
It's all right, monkey,
we're right here.
Daddy, take this off.
I don't like it!
Enough! Stop this!
Dammit, I could crucify
this bloody clicker!
This is extremely unusual.
We should be seeing a reaction
in the hypothalamus
when stimulated
by acts of violence.
Instead, it's her
ventromedial prefrontal cortex
that's all lit up.
What does it mean?
It means that the girl's compassion
is triggered
by images of humans dying.
Not her hunger.
Given all you've told me
there's a good chance
that your daughter
is suffering
from post-traumatic stress.
Told you.
We couldn't know
she'd get attached to Rico the Rooster.
Couldn't we?
She empathizes with rocks.
You must acknowledge
that your daughter needs help.
What can we do?
Have you noticed Sasha
having obsessive thoughts?
I'd like to keep her here
so we can probe a bit deeper.
Aurlien, wait.
Wait here.
No way I'm gonna
leave her here.
We know nothing
about post-traumatic stress.
I know my daughter.
She just needs time.
Everyone has their own pace.
It won't fix itself, the longer we wait
the more she'll be impaired.
"Impaired?" Come on.
Our job is to raise
an independent child.
It's also our job not to force her
into something she's not ready for.
Come, Sasha.
Georgette...
I won't be hunting for all of us
for the next 200 years.
I said, I won't be hunting for all of us
for the next 200 years.
What do you mean?
I hunt too.
What?
I went on Monday.
Wow.
Congrats.
We're out of baggies.
I know, your mom'll go soon.
MAN, THE THINKING ANIMAL
We're not helping her
by letting her empty the fridge!
Hunting for two or for three,
what's the difference?
I'm sick of you
saying that.
-What should we do then?
-There's a million things we could do!
Like what, take away
her piano until she eats?
-Maybe then she'd try!
-Her piano is all that she has.
She would finally hunt, Aurlien!
I'll never force my daughter
to kill against her will!
Jump, or else
help me with the brats.
I'm coming.
Idiot.
My shoes stink,
gimme new ones.
This man was here first.
-It's my birthday.
-Happy birthday.
But there's a line, you know.
-Let her go ahead.
-What's the problem?
My shoes smell like cheese
and he won't gimme new ones.
It's not your shoes that stink,
kitten,
it's my colleague Paul here
who doesn't shower.
Don't worry, he'll give you
new ones now, right?
Thanks Mr. Big Cheese.
"Mr. Big Cheese."
See you, Nacho Man.
We need to talk.
Are you OK, monkey?
You sure?
Yes, why?
You'd tell us if you had
dark thoughts, eh?
Of course.
Then why did I find this
in your room?
Food is dangerous.
You could die! Tell me you
weren't planning on eating this.
I wasn't. Someone gave it to me.
I don't know why I kept it.
-Sasha, your fangs...
-You have fangs?
I know.
-That's very good news!
-No, I don't want them.
Lock me up. I'm never leaving
this house again. Please.
Have a seat, Sasha.
We've given it some thought.
We think it would be best
if you went to live with Denise.
But why?
Because this is not...
This environment is not conducive
to learning.
I won't give her so much
as a drop of blood. I promise.
It's just until you learn.
Your mother and I...
we might not always be around.
It's an acquired taste.
You'll end up enjoying it.
I don't need to kill people
to know I won't like it.
You don't kill them,
but you do eat them.
If you do this,
I'll die of hunger.
Enough
with the blackmail!
Cadavers don't grow on trees.
You have your fangs,
you can do it.
Sorry, Sasha.
It's non-negotiable.
Make yourselves comfortable, boys.
I picked up some hitchhikers.
Pick your favourite. I'll hang him up
and show you how to bleed him.
No, thanks,
I'm not hungry.
What's behind your back?
Nothing.
Hey, Denise,
what are these hooks for?
Let me show you, boys.
Do you like being tied up?
Who's first?
-Huh... me?
-Great.
You, over there.
What's the safe word?
No need for that.
Let go of me!
I'll just pull on this chain here...
Do you like it?
No! Stop!
A LITTLE HELP
FOR YOUR FIRST WEEK. LOVE, DAD.
Where are my baggies?
-What did you do with them?
-What time is it?
-Where are they?
-Shut up!
They're all gone.
Dunk these in your shoes,
Nacho Man!
Come on, Mr. Big Cheese!
Look, my new ad!
JEANS YOUR LIFE
Omigod, you're so sexy!
Too bad you're dumb!
Shut up, asshole!
You got no future.
No dick either.
Guys! Drop it or
I'll tie you to the roof with it!
Back on the post now!
What, Paul?
Listen up, everyone!
That's it with all
this forgetting business.
I told you. Next one to forget
their shoes plays in slippers.
Careful, I knit them myself!
Phentex for latecomers too.
I feel generous.
Seriously?
Everyone, let's get started!
I look like a freakin idiot
because of you.
Yo, Team Slipper.
You playing,
or baking us some biscuits?
Henry, stop messing around.
Watch out,
I'm about to start handing out Fs.
Can I at least switch partners?
He sucks shit.
That's what you get for being tardy!
Move it, Paul. Let's go. Serve!
Pull your head out of your ass
or I'll choke you with these slippers.
What's the matter now?
There!
Understood, Paul?
You have to apologize.
-I can't, it's dead.
-That's not funny.
Some of our students
are traumatized.
Watching a classmate slaughter
an innocent animal like that was brutal.
I just put it out of its misery.
You're the one
who smashed it to the ground!
Seems like my son was defending
his class from flying vermin.
I'm not seeing the problem here.
In my 30 years of service,
I've never seen anything like this.
A kid killing an animal
in class!
First time for everything.
Don't bother me again
with trivialities.
Come on, Paul.
What if he attacks a student next time?
Excuse me?
When a child starts hurting animals
who can tell where it'll end?
My son is not a murderer.
I wouldn't kill anyone
other than myself.
I know you weren't a fan
of group sessions.
But I need you
to give them another shot, okay?
I think it might help.
If you say so.
Seatbelt?
It wasn't me, I swear!
Don't tell me you're not tempted
to kill at least one of them.
Gotta bounce, douchebags!
-I was gonna get it.
-What's your name?
JP.
Wanna have some fun
before bed, JP?
Yeah.
We can start this real nice and easy
in the hot tub.
Did I tell you I have a hot tub?
Yep. It's the first thing you told us.
How about you Sasha?
You like scotch?
No.
My dad's got a nice collection.
Or maybe cigars are more your thing?
I've got some real Cuban Montecristos.
Oh, we're pretty easy.
We like everything.
Viva la vida de loca!
When I say, "Yeah,"
you go, "Yeah," OK?
Girls, I know it won't be easy,
but we've got to keep quiet.
My dad's a real light sleeper.
Go for the jugular,
and keep feeding
until he stops moving.
We don't want JP around
for 300 years.
I can't do it.
Sasha, this is it.
Get out and bite him.
Go! Now's the time.
-I can't.
-I believe in you.
-I can't.
-Go. That's enough.
I can't and I won't!
I won't do it.
Then watch me
so the trip's not a total waste.
Is your cousin OK?
What are you doing?
No...
HIT A ROUGH PATCH?
SOS SUICIDE IS HERE TO HELP
DEPRESSION & SUICIDE
ANONYMOUS
Greetings.
Take a seat and we'll start.
A new face!
Welcome.
What's your name?
Nice to meet you Sasha,
and welcome.
Would anyone like
to share their week?
Yes?
Sorry.
I wanted to thank Chantal,
for the Happylight,
thank you.
-My pleasure.
-It really helped.
I'm usually useless
in the fall.
But now, I've already
updated my resume.
Congrats!
...in bed the night before my race.
I felt something
touching my feet.
I thought,
could it be my mother
who wanted to
wish me good luck?
Oh, come on.
Just because you can't see something
doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
Renaude,
I believe you.
-Thanks.
-And I think...
Thank you.
Just a reminder that
we're not here to judge.
We need to respect
everyone's beliefs.
Sasha, you haven't spoken yet.
Is there anything
you'd like to share?
Basically,
I'm in a very delicate position
where I'm forced to do bad things.
I'm not sure I understand.
What kind of bad things?
That's not important
because I'm not doing it.
The problem is if I don't do it,
I'll die.
The more I think about it
the more I know
it's for the best.
It's good that you came.
We're here to help and remind each other
that death is not the solution.
I disagree.
Sometimes,
death can be an interesting solution.
Example.
I don't enjoy life.
And
I'd gladly give mine up
for a good cause
if one ever comes around.
-Paul, are you OK to go home?
-Yes.
-Good night, then.
-Good night.
Did you mean what you said?
Yeah.
Hey, Denise?
Ever been to Machu Picchu?
Huh?
-Huh, Denise?
-No.
A little pisco sour and ceviche
on the beach sure sounds nice.
I hope you had your fill of ceviche
'cause you'll never taste it again.
Coming?
Aren't you going
to introduce us?
Paul, my cousin Denise.
Denise, Paul.
Pleased to meet you.
And I'm JP.
Mi casa es tu casa, bro!
This is not your casa.
And what did we say
about speaking Spanish?
No?
Make yourself at home, Paul.
We'll be in my room.
Denise, look.
Denise.
Whoa.
Been playing long?
Forty-three years.
How old are you?
Sixty-eight.
What's your life expectancy?
-Depends.
-On what?
Several factors.
Well, approximately then.
I know my aunt Victorine
is 375 years old.
She's 375?
That's a lot.
Are there retirement homes
for vampires?
Not that I know of, no...
Well, you certainly don't look 68.
It's because we age more slowly.
What happens
if you go in the sun?
We shrivel up.
And do crosses shrivel you up too?
-It's more like an allergy.
-To church?
You could say that.
I'm allergic to dust mites.
Nice collection!
I'm a collector myself!
Rocks and minerals.
Geodes are my favourites.
I've got a knack for spotting 'em.
And if you had to choose just one,
on your deathbed?
-Should I take off my sweater?
-No.
Tilt your head.
Maybe I'll close my eyes.
Good idea.
Don't worry,
I have a high tolerance for pain.
I'm just... I'll be right back.
-What's going on?
-Nothing.
Hey, this isn't some youth hostel.
Okay?
Bad enough I'm stuck
with this dud because of you.
-Now get back in there and finish him.
-I know.
Your docile friend Paul
is already in your room.
Want me to do it for you?
-No.
-I can do it for you.
I'll get it done.
Let's try with the lights off.
Or I could lie down,
to give you clear access to my throat.
Is there anything you'd like?
What?
A dying wish.
-I dunno.
-Dying wishes are crucial.
-I don't have one.
-Everyone has one.
Yeah?
I never thought about it.
-I'd be much more comfortable.
-For real?
Well...
I'd love to tear Henry a new one.
Let's tear Henry a new one.
What are you doing?
You're leaving?
We're off to fulfill
his dying wish.
His dying wish?
He might be in the back.
Wait here?
Miranda?
Paul! Thank God!
Can you sort the shoes?
Sorry. Not working.
Where's Henry?
Fucker called in sick
to go to Jonathan's party.
Help me. They're getting angry.
Can't. I'm with someone.
C'mon! I can't do
every fucking thing by myself!
Just that one group.
Hey there beautiful Miranda.
Another pitcher
of Long Island Iced Tea, please.
Can't you just drink beer
like everyone else?
What the fuck? My beer!
Sorry for the wait.
Henry bailed so I had
to handle the shoe counter.
Do you know where he went?
He's at a party.
Okay, so let's go.
Seriously, no.
I can't tell him to fuck off
in front of everybody.
If you don't do it,
I can't kill you.
I guess I can think up
another dying wish.
Like what?
I don't know.
Anything that won't leave me
dying of shame.
I almost shat myself
on the way to the bowling alley.
Maybe you could practise
on someone else?
Might boost your confidence.
I came to tell you...
Take your jeans and shove 'em,
Mlissa Bessette!
Shit! They wrecked your ad!
C'mon!
Whatcha doin' here?
You like Fs?
Well, F you, Mr. Goyette!
That's leather, you little turd!
Stop, stop!
Stop!
Come back here!
Paul?
What do you want?
What's that?
Go to hell, Mrs. Gauvin!
Paul!
You pick up this bat right now!
I killed it! Don't you think?
You OK?
How long have you been suicidal?
That's a very good question.
Since forever, I think.
I was even born with the umbilical cord
around my neck.
I thought humans feared death.
I think people
are just afraid of suffering.
Or of being alone.
Do you mind if we make one last stop?
Don't worry,
my mom's at work.
I'm almost done.
Now I'm ready.
MOM
You're home early.
Nope.
What are you still doing up?
Nothing.
I'm going to a party.
-A party?
-Yup.
-With people and loud music?
-Right. A party.
Mom, this is Sasha.
Oh, I didn't know
you brought a friend home.
It's a real pleasure
to meet you, Sasha.
I'm Sandrine.
His mother.
Charmed.
Okay.
Well... Goodbye.
Yeah.
I love you.
I love you too.
Have fun, eh?
How you doin' bro?
Where's your drink.
There he is.
Wish me luck.
Oh shit! Nacho Man
is in the house!
Paulo, Paulo, Paulo!
Your mother let you out, Paulie boy?
It's like I can see through your skin.
I got a riddle for you, Paulie.
What do you call cheese
that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
Good answer!
Fuck off!
What a fucking sicko!
-He's bleeding!
-Come on.
Come back here, asshole!
What are you doing?
You need to feed.
I've already cut myself.
No.
Are you mad because I bit Henry?
Because that was purely circumstantial.
I didn't mean to steal your thunder.
I was sort of inspired.
That has nothing to do with it.
You're a vampire,
it's normal for you to kill people.
I can't, my fangs won't come out.
But I've seen them.
It only happened once.
Should we re-enact the scene?
-I can crash into a tree.
-It's pointless.
Don't worry.
I want to die.
Then why are you still here?
Spotted the asshole!
Wait.
You little bitch!
Watch me bite you back!
I should've pushed you off the roof
a long time ago, retard!
Stop!
Get him, Henry!
Stop!
I'll break your fucking teeth!
Let him go!
Asshole!
Not biting anymore, eh?
Try eating your cheese now!
Get him!
Finish him off, man.
I'm gonna rip your face off!
Guys, what are you doing?
You did it.
We gotta hide the body.
Go.
I'm not leaving you alone.
You have to leave.
-Will I see you in group?
-LEAVE!
-Swear that you've done it.
-Where's your shovel?
-I knew you weren't a sissy.
-We have to hurry.
Who's this?
That's not Paul.
No. It's Henry.
Who's Henry?
C'mon!
Lift.
Fold his legs.
Push.
That's good.
Your friend.
What'd you do with him?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Here. Have a wet wipe.
No time for breaks.
Sun'll be up in three hours.
-Help me, then.
-Your body, your grave.
Fine, I'll give you a hand.
But you gotta tell me
where your little Paul is.
-What's the difference?
-Where'd you bury him?
None of your business,
let me dig.
What'd you do with him?
Nothing!
Sasha!
You can't bring home a human
and not kill him after.
He won't talk.
I knew it.
I'll take care of it.
Where does he live?
Huh?
Where does he live?
You OK?
Stop smiling.
I'm not smiling.
Look, you're smiling again.
It's just nerves.
-My cousin really wants to kill you.
-I got that.
What would your dying wish be?
To see the sun.
I made coffee. Then I realized vampires
don't drink coffee. So I drank it all.
Sleep well?
Yeah, you?
No. But I explored
the 17 possible scenarios
given we don't have passports,
can't speak English,
I only have $525 in the bank and I threw
a dead bat at my principal's face.
Honestly, we have no choice.
-You have to turn me.
-No.
-That way I can help you.
-With what?
Killing consenting humans.
There are tons of support groups
for suicidal people.
No.
I'm gonna be
such a creative humanist vampire.
I have so many ideas.
It's not that easy.
-You'd never see daylight.
-I'm a homebody.
-You couldn't eat.
-Eating is a waste of time.
-Couldn't go to school.
-I hate it!
What about your mother?
-She'll understand.
-You can't tell her.
We're vampires.
We can do whatever we want.
It doesn't work like that, Paul.
Please.
It's the first time
I've ever really wanted something.
My fangs
probably won't come in anyway.
I thought about that too.
Not to brag, but your fangs appear
every time you feared for my life.
Just imagine your cousin
trying to kill me.
That should work.
What if it doesn't work?
I'm willing to risk it.
Can you give this to my mom?
If things go wrong.
POSSIBLE ESCAPE PLANS
HUMANIST VAMPIRE SEEKING
CONSENTING SUICIDAL PERSON
Daddy?
-You turned him.
-What were you thinking?
I said, "just you."
We're all worried, sweetie.
He's been struggling to breathe
for an hour.
-He needs blood.
-And he'll be OK?
I don't know,
but we're gonna try.
-We could finish him off.
-Victorine!
-No!
-We agreed to come here to help Sasha.
We can't adopt a new relative
every time she needs a snack!
We have standards!
You might like me
if you give me a chance.
I'm a person worth knowing.
Right, Denise?
You can't turn people
without consulting us.
Paul's my friend,
he'd die for me.
So, what are we waiting for?
Let's do it.
I'd be happy to drive a stake
through his heart.
JP, show us you're worthy
of being part of this family.
Stick your pen
right into his heart.
Don't touch him
or I'll stake you!
Hold on. Nobody's driving
any stakes into anyone's heart.
What's the matter with you?
Paul was my decision, not yours.
If you don't like it,
there's the door.
I didn't realize you were so attached.
A bag!
We need to feed him!
-I don't have any!
-Who has blood?
Move.
What're you doing?
Here, drink this.
Hand over your baggies.
-Not a chance.
-C'mon, we're not heartless!
Come on Denise.
Give 'em your baggies.
It's all I've got.
Figure it out.
Here...
Drink slowly.
That's it.
Do it slowly.
Sorry for hitting you
with the shovel.
It's OK,
I would've done worse.
I really hope your friend
pulls through.
But if he does,
you guys can't stay with me.
Mom?
She asked us to slow her morphine drip.
She wants to be awake.
Her kids came by?
Yeah, everybody did.
She's waiting for you.
Good evening, Franoise.
Sandrine told us
you're ready for your concert.
How's my hair?
Perfect.
Franoise...
I got it from your garden.
HUMANIST VAMPIRE
SEEKING
CONSENTING SUICIDAL PERSON
HUMANIST VAMPIRE SEEKING
CONSENTING SUICIDAL PERSON
A bit more.
Georgette, hold her
so she doesn't fall.
I've got her...
That's it!
Sasha, I saw you peeking.
No, not true.
Denise, stop teasing your cousin.
Closer...
Over here!
You're getting warmer!
You got it.
Open your eyes!
Happy birthday, Sasha!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
The guy at the store said
it's the best book for beginners.
Did she have secret lessons?
No, this the first time
she's ever touched a piano, I think?
Must be in her blood.
Sounds like another gift!
For real?
Should I answer?
I thought we said
no other gifts.
I'm allowed to spoil her.
She's my only niece.
No, Denise,
that's for me!
It is I,
Rico the Rooster!
Honk my snout
and I'll twist and shout.
A clown!
Yup.
Hello.
Welcome, Mr. Rico.
Left, then right.
Swing all around,
left, right.
With your hands.
Don't get dizzy now!
And a round of applause.
Aren't clowns
supposed to be funny?
Well... the art of clowning is vast.
I can do magic.
-Do you like magic?
-Yes, magic!
OK, I need...
An item from
my magic trunk.
If I can find it...
These are handcuffs.
Rico's gonna
put them on,
then lock himself
in the magic trunk.
In less than a minute
he'll hop out,
his hands free
and with a new hairdo.
You can close the trunk.
I can't take this anymore.
When do we eat him?
I'm starving!
Rico needs your help now.
Sweetie, I know
your gift is amusing, but...
he'll also be tasty.
We have your back.
Come.
I'm suffocating.
Help me, I'm gonna...
Rico's claustrophobic!
Rico's claustrophobic!
Come, we'll do it together.
C'mon Sasha, I'm hungry.
It's her gift, be patient.
Your fangs will
come in on their own.
Come!
Thank you!
-What's going on?
-Stop screaming.
Let me go!
Her roots are long enough.
Everything's there...
So why didn't they come out?
No clue.
It could be
a nervous system thing.
Daddy!
It's all right, monkey,
we're right here.
Daddy, take this off.
I don't like it!
Enough! Stop this!
Dammit, I could crucify
this bloody clicker!
This is extremely unusual.
We should be seeing a reaction
in the hypothalamus
when stimulated
by acts of violence.
Instead, it's her
ventromedial prefrontal cortex
that's all lit up.
What does it mean?
It means that the girl's compassion
is triggered
by images of humans dying.
Not her hunger.
Given all you've told me
there's a good chance
that your daughter
is suffering
from post-traumatic stress.
Told you.
We couldn't know
she'd get attached to Rico the Rooster.
Couldn't we?
She empathizes with rocks.
You must acknowledge
that your daughter needs help.
What can we do?
Have you noticed Sasha
having obsessive thoughts?
I'd like to keep her here
so we can probe a bit deeper.
Aurlien, wait.
Wait here.
No way I'm gonna
leave her here.
We know nothing
about post-traumatic stress.
I know my daughter.
She just needs time.
Everyone has their own pace.
It won't fix itself, the longer we wait
the more she'll be impaired.
"Impaired?" Come on.
Our job is to raise
an independent child.
It's also our job not to force her
into something she's not ready for.
Come, Sasha.
Georgette...
I won't be hunting for all of us
for the next 200 years.
I said, I won't be hunting for all of us
for the next 200 years.
What do you mean?
I hunt too.
What?
I went on Monday.
Wow.
Congrats.
We're out of baggies.
I know, your mom'll go soon.
MAN, THE THINKING ANIMAL
We're not helping her
by letting her empty the fridge!
Hunting for two or for three,
what's the difference?
I'm sick of you
saying that.
-What should we do then?
-There's a million things we could do!
Like what, take away
her piano until she eats?
-Maybe then she'd try!
-Her piano is all that she has.
She would finally hunt, Aurlien!
I'll never force my daughter
to kill against her will!
Jump, or else
help me with the brats.
I'm coming.
Idiot.
My shoes stink,
gimme new ones.
This man was here first.
-It's my birthday.
-Happy birthday.
But there's a line, you know.
-Let her go ahead.
-What's the problem?
My shoes smell like cheese
and he won't gimme new ones.
It's not your shoes that stink,
kitten,
it's my colleague Paul here
who doesn't shower.
Don't worry, he'll give you
new ones now, right?
Thanks Mr. Big Cheese.
"Mr. Big Cheese."
See you, Nacho Man.
We need to talk.
Are you OK, monkey?
You sure?
Yes, why?
You'd tell us if you had
dark thoughts, eh?
Of course.
Then why did I find this
in your room?
Food is dangerous.
You could die! Tell me you
weren't planning on eating this.
I wasn't. Someone gave it to me.
I don't know why I kept it.
-Sasha, your fangs...
-You have fangs?
I know.
-That's very good news!
-No, I don't want them.
Lock me up. I'm never leaving
this house again. Please.
Have a seat, Sasha.
We've given it some thought.
We think it would be best
if you went to live with Denise.
But why?
Because this is not...
This environment is not conducive
to learning.
I won't give her so much
as a drop of blood. I promise.
It's just until you learn.
Your mother and I...
we might not always be around.
It's an acquired taste.
You'll end up enjoying it.
I don't need to kill people
to know I won't like it.
You don't kill them,
but you do eat them.
If you do this,
I'll die of hunger.
Enough
with the blackmail!
Cadavers don't grow on trees.
You have your fangs,
you can do it.
Sorry, Sasha.
It's non-negotiable.
Make yourselves comfortable, boys.
I picked up some hitchhikers.
Pick your favourite. I'll hang him up
and show you how to bleed him.
No, thanks,
I'm not hungry.
What's behind your back?
Nothing.
Hey, Denise,
what are these hooks for?
Let me show you, boys.
Do you like being tied up?
Who's first?
-Huh... me?
-Great.
You, over there.
What's the safe word?
No need for that.
Let go of me!
I'll just pull on this chain here...
Do you like it?
No! Stop!
A LITTLE HELP
FOR YOUR FIRST WEEK. LOVE, DAD.
Where are my baggies?
-What did you do with them?
-What time is it?
-Where are they?
-Shut up!
They're all gone.
Dunk these in your shoes,
Nacho Man!
Come on, Mr. Big Cheese!
Look, my new ad!
JEANS YOUR LIFE
Omigod, you're so sexy!
Too bad you're dumb!
Shut up, asshole!
You got no future.
No dick either.
Guys! Drop it or
I'll tie you to the roof with it!
Back on the post now!
What, Paul?
Listen up, everyone!
That's it with all
this forgetting business.
I told you. Next one to forget
their shoes plays in slippers.
Careful, I knit them myself!
Phentex for latecomers too.
I feel generous.
Seriously?
Everyone, let's get started!
I look like a freakin idiot
because of you.
Yo, Team Slipper.
You playing,
or baking us some biscuits?
Henry, stop messing around.
Watch out,
I'm about to start handing out Fs.
Can I at least switch partners?
He sucks shit.
That's what you get for being tardy!
Move it, Paul. Let's go. Serve!
Pull your head out of your ass
or I'll choke you with these slippers.
What's the matter now?
There!
Understood, Paul?
You have to apologize.
-I can't, it's dead.
-That's not funny.
Some of our students
are traumatized.
Watching a classmate slaughter
an innocent animal like that was brutal.
I just put it out of its misery.
You're the one
who smashed it to the ground!
Seems like my son was defending
his class from flying vermin.
I'm not seeing the problem here.
In my 30 years of service,
I've never seen anything like this.
A kid killing an animal
in class!
First time for everything.
Don't bother me again
with trivialities.
Come on, Paul.
What if he attacks a student next time?
Excuse me?
When a child starts hurting animals
who can tell where it'll end?
My son is not a murderer.
I wouldn't kill anyone
other than myself.
I know you weren't a fan
of group sessions.
But I need you
to give them another shot, okay?
I think it might help.
If you say so.
Seatbelt?
It wasn't me, I swear!
Don't tell me you're not tempted
to kill at least one of them.
Gotta bounce, douchebags!
-I was gonna get it.
-What's your name?
JP.
Wanna have some fun
before bed, JP?
Yeah.
We can start this real nice and easy
in the hot tub.
Did I tell you I have a hot tub?
Yep. It's the first thing you told us.
How about you Sasha?
You like scotch?
No.
My dad's got a nice collection.
Or maybe cigars are more your thing?
I've got some real Cuban Montecristos.
Oh, we're pretty easy.
We like everything.
Viva la vida de loca!
When I say, "Yeah,"
you go, "Yeah," OK?
Girls, I know it won't be easy,
but we've got to keep quiet.
My dad's a real light sleeper.
Go for the jugular,
and keep feeding
until he stops moving.
We don't want JP around
for 300 years.
I can't do it.
Sasha, this is it.
Get out and bite him.
Go! Now's the time.
-I can't.
-I believe in you.
-I can't.
-Go. That's enough.
I can't and I won't!
I won't do it.
Then watch me
so the trip's not a total waste.
Is your cousin OK?
What are you doing?
No...
HIT A ROUGH PATCH?
SOS SUICIDE IS HERE TO HELP
DEPRESSION & SUICIDE
ANONYMOUS
Greetings.
Take a seat and we'll start.
A new face!
Welcome.
What's your name?
Nice to meet you Sasha,
and welcome.
Would anyone like
to share their week?
Yes?
Sorry.
I wanted to thank Chantal,
for the Happylight,
thank you.
-My pleasure.
-It really helped.
I'm usually useless
in the fall.
But now, I've already
updated my resume.
Congrats!
...in bed the night before my race.
I felt something
touching my feet.
I thought,
could it be my mother
who wanted to
wish me good luck?
Oh, come on.
Just because you can't see something
doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
Renaude,
I believe you.
-Thanks.
-And I think...
Thank you.
Just a reminder that
we're not here to judge.
We need to respect
everyone's beliefs.
Sasha, you haven't spoken yet.
Is there anything
you'd like to share?
Basically,
I'm in a very delicate position
where I'm forced to do bad things.
I'm not sure I understand.
What kind of bad things?
That's not important
because I'm not doing it.
The problem is if I don't do it,
I'll die.
The more I think about it
the more I know
it's for the best.
It's good that you came.
We're here to help and remind each other
that death is not the solution.
I disagree.
Sometimes,
death can be an interesting solution.
Example.
I don't enjoy life.
And
I'd gladly give mine up
for a good cause
if one ever comes around.
-Paul, are you OK to go home?
-Yes.
-Good night, then.
-Good night.
Did you mean what you said?
Yeah.
Hey, Denise?
Ever been to Machu Picchu?
Huh?
-Huh, Denise?
-No.
A little pisco sour and ceviche
on the beach sure sounds nice.
I hope you had your fill of ceviche
'cause you'll never taste it again.
Coming?
Aren't you going
to introduce us?
Paul, my cousin Denise.
Denise, Paul.
Pleased to meet you.
And I'm JP.
Mi casa es tu casa, bro!
This is not your casa.
And what did we say
about speaking Spanish?
No?
Make yourself at home, Paul.
We'll be in my room.
Denise, look.
Denise.
Whoa.
Been playing long?
Forty-three years.
How old are you?
Sixty-eight.
What's your life expectancy?
-Depends.
-On what?
Several factors.
Well, approximately then.
I know my aunt Victorine
is 375 years old.
She's 375?
That's a lot.
Are there retirement homes
for vampires?
Not that I know of, no...
Well, you certainly don't look 68.
It's because we age more slowly.
What happens
if you go in the sun?
We shrivel up.
And do crosses shrivel you up too?
-It's more like an allergy.
-To church?
You could say that.
I'm allergic to dust mites.
Nice collection!
I'm a collector myself!
Rocks and minerals.
Geodes are my favourites.
I've got a knack for spotting 'em.
And if you had to choose just one,
on your deathbed?
-Should I take off my sweater?
-No.
Tilt your head.
Maybe I'll close my eyes.
Good idea.
Don't worry,
I have a high tolerance for pain.
I'm just... I'll be right back.
-What's going on?
-Nothing.
Hey, this isn't some youth hostel.
Okay?
Bad enough I'm stuck
with this dud because of you.
-Now get back in there and finish him.
-I know.
Your docile friend Paul
is already in your room.
Want me to do it for you?
-No.
-I can do it for you.
I'll get it done.
Let's try with the lights off.
Or I could lie down,
to give you clear access to my throat.
Is there anything you'd like?
What?
A dying wish.
-I dunno.
-Dying wishes are crucial.
-I don't have one.
-Everyone has one.
Yeah?
I never thought about it.
-I'd be much more comfortable.
-For real?
Well...
I'd love to tear Henry a new one.
Let's tear Henry a new one.
What are you doing?
You're leaving?
We're off to fulfill
his dying wish.
His dying wish?
He might be in the back.
Wait here?
Miranda?
Paul! Thank God!
Can you sort the shoes?
Sorry. Not working.
Where's Henry?
Fucker called in sick
to go to Jonathan's party.
Help me. They're getting angry.
Can't. I'm with someone.
C'mon! I can't do
every fucking thing by myself!
Just that one group.
Hey there beautiful Miranda.
Another pitcher
of Long Island Iced Tea, please.
Can't you just drink beer
like everyone else?
What the fuck? My beer!
Sorry for the wait.
Henry bailed so I had
to handle the shoe counter.
Do you know where he went?
He's at a party.
Okay, so let's go.
Seriously, no.
I can't tell him to fuck off
in front of everybody.
If you don't do it,
I can't kill you.
I guess I can think up
another dying wish.
Like what?
I don't know.
Anything that won't leave me
dying of shame.
I almost shat myself
on the way to the bowling alley.
Maybe you could practise
on someone else?
Might boost your confidence.
I came to tell you...
Take your jeans and shove 'em,
Mlissa Bessette!
Shit! They wrecked your ad!
C'mon!
Whatcha doin' here?
You like Fs?
Well, F you, Mr. Goyette!
That's leather, you little turd!
Stop, stop!
Stop!
Come back here!
Paul?
What do you want?
What's that?
Go to hell, Mrs. Gauvin!
Paul!
You pick up this bat right now!
I killed it! Don't you think?
You OK?
How long have you been suicidal?
That's a very good question.
Since forever, I think.
I was even born with the umbilical cord
around my neck.
I thought humans feared death.
I think people
are just afraid of suffering.
Or of being alone.
Do you mind if we make one last stop?
Don't worry,
my mom's at work.
I'm almost done.
Now I'm ready.
MOM
You're home early.
Nope.
What are you still doing up?
Nothing.
I'm going to a party.
-A party?
-Yup.
-With people and loud music?
-Right. A party.
Mom, this is Sasha.
Oh, I didn't know
you brought a friend home.
It's a real pleasure
to meet you, Sasha.
I'm Sandrine.
His mother.
Charmed.
Okay.
Well... Goodbye.
Yeah.
I love you.
I love you too.
Have fun, eh?
How you doin' bro?
Where's your drink.
There he is.
Wish me luck.
Oh shit! Nacho Man
is in the house!
Paulo, Paulo, Paulo!
Your mother let you out, Paulie boy?
It's like I can see through your skin.
I got a riddle for you, Paulie.
What do you call cheese
that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
Good answer!
Fuck off!
What a fucking sicko!
-He's bleeding!
-Come on.
Come back here, asshole!
What are you doing?
You need to feed.
I've already cut myself.
No.
Are you mad because I bit Henry?
Because that was purely circumstantial.
I didn't mean to steal your thunder.
I was sort of inspired.
That has nothing to do with it.
You're a vampire,
it's normal for you to kill people.
I can't, my fangs won't come out.
But I've seen them.
It only happened once.
Should we re-enact the scene?
-I can crash into a tree.
-It's pointless.
Don't worry.
I want to die.
Then why are you still here?
Spotted the asshole!
Wait.
You little bitch!
Watch me bite you back!
I should've pushed you off the roof
a long time ago, retard!
Stop!
Get him, Henry!
Stop!
I'll break your fucking teeth!
Let him go!
Asshole!
Not biting anymore, eh?
Try eating your cheese now!
Get him!
Finish him off, man.
I'm gonna rip your face off!
Guys, what are you doing?
You did it.
We gotta hide the body.
Go.
I'm not leaving you alone.
You have to leave.
-Will I see you in group?
-LEAVE!
-Swear that you've done it.
-Where's your shovel?
-I knew you weren't a sissy.
-We have to hurry.
Who's this?
That's not Paul.
No. It's Henry.
Who's Henry?
C'mon!
Lift.
Fold his legs.
Push.
That's good.
Your friend.
What'd you do with him?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Here. Have a wet wipe.
No time for breaks.
Sun'll be up in three hours.
-Help me, then.
-Your body, your grave.
Fine, I'll give you a hand.
But you gotta tell me
where your little Paul is.
-What's the difference?
-Where'd you bury him?
None of your business,
let me dig.
What'd you do with him?
Nothing!
Sasha!
You can't bring home a human
and not kill him after.
He won't talk.
I knew it.
I'll take care of it.
Where does he live?
Huh?
Where does he live?
You OK?
Stop smiling.
I'm not smiling.
Look, you're smiling again.
It's just nerves.
-My cousin really wants to kill you.
-I got that.
What would your dying wish be?
To see the sun.
I made coffee. Then I realized vampires
don't drink coffee. So I drank it all.
Sleep well?
Yeah, you?
No. But I explored
the 17 possible scenarios
given we don't have passports,
can't speak English,
I only have $525 in the bank and I threw
a dead bat at my principal's face.
Honestly, we have no choice.
-You have to turn me.
-No.
-That way I can help you.
-With what?
Killing consenting humans.
There are tons of support groups
for suicidal people.
No.
I'm gonna be
such a creative humanist vampire.
I have so many ideas.
It's not that easy.
-You'd never see daylight.
-I'm a homebody.
-You couldn't eat.
-Eating is a waste of time.
-Couldn't go to school.
-I hate it!
What about your mother?
-She'll understand.
-You can't tell her.
We're vampires.
We can do whatever we want.
It doesn't work like that, Paul.
Please.
It's the first time
I've ever really wanted something.
My fangs
probably won't come in anyway.
I thought about that too.
Not to brag, but your fangs appear
every time you feared for my life.
Just imagine your cousin
trying to kill me.
That should work.
What if it doesn't work?
I'm willing to risk it.
Can you give this to my mom?
If things go wrong.
POSSIBLE ESCAPE PLANS
HUMANIST VAMPIRE SEEKING
CONSENTING SUICIDAL PERSON
Daddy?
-You turned him.
-What were you thinking?
I said, "just you."
We're all worried, sweetie.
He's been struggling to breathe
for an hour.
-He needs blood.
-And he'll be OK?
I don't know,
but we're gonna try.
-We could finish him off.
-Victorine!
-No!
-We agreed to come here to help Sasha.
We can't adopt a new relative
every time she needs a snack!
We have standards!
You might like me
if you give me a chance.
I'm a person worth knowing.
Right, Denise?
You can't turn people
without consulting us.
Paul's my friend,
he'd die for me.
So, what are we waiting for?
Let's do it.
I'd be happy to drive a stake
through his heart.
JP, show us you're worthy
of being part of this family.
Stick your pen
right into his heart.
Don't touch him
or I'll stake you!
Hold on. Nobody's driving
any stakes into anyone's heart.
What's the matter with you?
Paul was my decision, not yours.
If you don't like it,
there's the door.
I didn't realize you were so attached.
A bag!
We need to feed him!
-I don't have any!
-Who has blood?
Move.
What're you doing?
Here, drink this.
Hand over your baggies.
-Not a chance.
-C'mon, we're not heartless!
Come on Denise.
Give 'em your baggies.
It's all I've got.
Figure it out.
Here...
Drink slowly.
That's it.
Do it slowly.
Sorry for hitting you
with the shovel.
It's OK,
I would've done worse.
I really hope your friend
pulls through.
But if he does,
you guys can't stay with me.
Mom?
She asked us to slow her morphine drip.
She wants to be awake.
Her kids came by?
Yeah, everybody did.
She's waiting for you.
Good evening, Franoise.
Sandrine told us
you're ready for your concert.
How's my hair?
Perfect.
Franoise...
I got it from your garden.
HUMANIST VAMPIRE
SEEKING
CONSENTING SUICIDAL PERSON
HUMANIST VAMPIRE SEEKING
CONSENTING SUICIDAL PERSON