In Search of a Midnight Kiss (2007) Movie Script
(# "Paradise with You"
by Hot Club of Downtown)
(man) The midnight kiss.
It's not just another kiss.
It's all the hope of romance of the year
culminating in just one moment.
And that overhyped kiss,
in which there is so much calling, texting,
IMing, planning, hurrying, drinking
to make happen,
is all set at a moment
when time itself takes center stage,
when you can feel the weight
of the year to come,
mixed with the loneliness and missed
opportunities of the years gone by.
For years,
I used to work at a video store,
and on New Year's, I would always deal
with what I thought were my people -
those broken-hearted souls that hated
the whole pageantry of the night,
the ones who wanted to quietly
and privately wallow in self-pity,
getting drunk on the fictional romance
and heartbreak of others.
That was me -
the lonely, hunkered-down type,
waiting for the night to blow over.
But some times are so low, you can
no longer follow that routine anymore.
(# "Paradise with You"
by Hot Club of Downtown continues)
(grunting)
- Oh, jeez, I'm sorry,
- God! I didn't know you guys were here,
- It's all right, Don't worry about it,
- I thought you guys were at Min's house,
Yeah, we got home early,
- Don't worry about it, It's OK, man,
- I'm really embarrassed,
Don't be, Everybody jerks off,
It's natural,
I had no idea you guys were even here,
We just got home at four, Don't even worry
about it, man, It's, uh, you know...
Hey, what the fuck is this?
No, i-i-it's...
Oh, fuck!
- It's that Min?
- No, it's nothing!
I'll explain that in a second,
Just don't go in there,
- It looks just like her,
- No, it's not Min,
- Well, what is this?
- I'll explain in a second,
Hey, Min, get in here,
I need to ask you a question,
- No, no! Come on! Jacob...
- What is that? Is that you?
(Wilson) God! No, Jacob!
Come on, man!
- Is that you?
- No,
What do you mean? That's definitely you!
That's not you?
- No, that...
- Are you sure that's not you?
(Min) No, it's not,
- (Jacob) Positive?
- (Min) It's not me!
Just give it to me straight,
If that's you... It doesn't matter,
(arguing)
(# "Paradise with You"
by Hot Club of Downtown continues)
I'm a worthless piece of shit
that should just die and not be buried,
I can't even get a job in this town,
- You just need to get laid,
- I'm trying!
Hitting on the girl at the grocery store when
you buy your tub of Chunky Monkey?
You don't see it, You're not around,
I put myself out there,
All you've done is sit around, eat ice cream
and fucking smoke bong after bong,
You haven't even looked for work, man,
If you just wanna sit there and stare
out the window and smoke your cigarettes,
jack off to pictures of my girlfriend
on New Year's, be my guest,
Jacob, leave him alone,
I thought it was sweet,
Oh, God,
You thought it was sweet
that he jacked off to pictures of you?
- I thought it was really flattering,
- You are the cutest thing in the world,
Oh, my God!
- Ohh, God, What is this?
- (giggles)
- We can give him some more material,
- Stop kissing me,
I'm gonna go check my email,
- Dude, quit!
- OK,
(man) Well, it's just the whole world
that I find depressing right now,
Just the wars and the lies
and Columbine and George Bush...
(Jacob) Columbine was ten years ago!
(man) I'm just saying,
there's so much hatred and violence,
(Jacob) If you really wanna meet
somebody pretty and cool, you can do that,
All you gotta do, my friend,
is put an ad up on the Craigslist,
I don't know, The whole online dating thing
is a little too pathetic for me,
(Jacob) It's not pathetic,
Everybody does it,
I have a MySpace page, Facebook,
Min does, too,
- That's different than Craigslist,
- You don't have time to do MySpace,
Craigslist is the only way,
Just look at it as research into the world,
You haven't written anything since
you've been here, Here, check this out,
Look at all these Ionely people,
All these women are online,
Honestly, if you try to go to a bar right now,
nobody's even gonna talk to you,
You have to say, "Hey, yeah, I'll send you
a message" in order for them to trust you,
If you don't do that,
it's just gonna be weird and creepy,
Hey, Min, don't you think he should do it?
Yeah, absolutely,
He should do it before it's too late,
(Jacob) Just type it,
Just write the damn thing,
This is humiliating,
(man) "Misanthrope seeks misanthrope.
"If you respond to this, you're not
the kind of woman I'd go out with.
"I guess I'm lonely, it's New Year's and I'm
willing to embarrass myself with this ad.
"My girlfriends over the years
have been intelligent and beautiful.
"In the end, they've all broken my heart.
"My friend says I have to have a photo,
so here it is, Wilson,"
Oh, yeah, that's good,
Very clever,
Sounds really good, OK,
All we have to do now is put up a photo
and put your number in,
Put our home phone number, I don't want
my cell phone ringing off the hook,
I can't believe we're inviting
total insanity into our house,
You're not gonna find it
sitting around the apartment,
We're gonna get robbed,
I'm gonna get raped,
All right, look,
It's all up on the world wide web now,
Now it's time to see
if you're really hot or not,
Your phone will ring off the hook, You'll
have 14-year-olds and grandmas calling,
Better be excited about this one,
(woman) No way
I could have understood their pain.
And when I see that, you know,
I just wanna do something.
- Totally, (coughs)
- Are you smoking pot?
(coughs)
Yes,
While you're talking to your mother
on the phone?
Mom, you're just kind of talking
and talking,
- I just figured...
- That's terrible.
Oh, hey, Mom,
thank you so much,
I got the package,
It came yesterday,
- Are you sure this is what you want?
- Yes, Absolutely, I love her,
God, you two are so lucky
to have each other, I mean...
I just miss that sort of comfort
and connection,
Karen and I worked
at the same restaurant,
and we'd leave early
and go to the McDonald's drive-through,
and we'd just sit there, eating and just
sitting there, sharing that moment.
You know, just being there
with one another.
(no audio)
Yeah,
(Wilson) "Karen, I don't know
where to begin.
"It seems like yesterday
we were back in Texas.
"So much has happened over these three
months. Unfortunately, all bad for me.
"LA has been a disaster.
" A day after we broke up,
on my drive out here, I flipped my car.
"The tread on the tire separated,
and I lost control. The photo is attached.
"It was surreal.
There I was, standing in the middle of l- 10
"with everything I own flung across
the freeway, in the middle of Arizona.
"You were on the opposite side of the
world, all my friends were 16 hours east,
"and I was to move to a place
I had loathed my whole life - LA.
" And I arrived there without a car.
The script we all thought would sell
"has been delayed after my laptop
was stolen during a walk with my sister.
"Someone biked by
and took my computer
"I stupidly left it in my nephew 's stroller
a few feet away. "
(boy laughs) That's funny, right?
"Since then, I've been in a total daze
and bordering on suicide.
"I probably would have done it
if the bathtub here wasn't so filthy.
"I don't know what I'm doing here in LA.
"I miss you more than
I could possibly imagine.
"Just hearing your voice
would melt all my anxiety,
"as I would know that there's someone out
there that still cares whether I live or die.
"Karen, hope you're feeling well.
"Happy New Year.
Looks like my script's gonna sell.
"Finally I can pay off all my debts!
Now who knows what is next.
"I'd love to hear your voice sometime.
Warm thoughts... Wilson. "
(# "Mermaid" by Will Sheff)
(woman) What happened
with that woman?
- She died,
- Oh, gosh,
She absolutely died, You know why?
Because she was very old,
I didn't see her on Willard,
What is she, in her 80s?
(woman #2) But apart from that,
she was a bitch, She was a bitch,
Between the running of the water
and the showers, the bath,
I'm sorry, but it was just insane with her,
They must have buried a prune,
- That's kind of harsh,
- Well, hey, It's the New Year's,
- Out with the old, in with the new,
- Oh,
(woman #2) Happy New Year,
What are you doing for New Year's?
- Anything interesting?
- (phone ringing)
Oh, shit, It's on now, man,
(phone continues to ring)
(music over the phone)
Hello?
# Happy, happy birthday today
Who is it?
# Any day, baby boy
# Baby boy, baby boom-boom-boom
Hey, Mom, How's it going?
God, you sound like you're at a party,
- I am! Oh, hi!
- Hey,
How are you?
I love Florida! God!
I have so many friends,
I never had so many friends,
Glad you're having a good time,
Wilson, I have something very serious
to discuss with you,
(sighs) What?
Promise you can't joke or laugh about it,
This is gonna be hard enough as it is,
Mom, I'm not gonna judge you,
- You promise?
- I promise! Mom, what?
I'm getting a breast enhancement, (laughs)
- At a discount!
- What? Why?
Wilson, you said
you wouldn't be judgmental,
I'm not judging you, You're a nice woman,
settling into her old age,
- You don't need a boob job.
- # La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la
# I'm not listening
La-la, la-la
- # I'm doing it anyway, la-la, la-la #
- (phone beeps)
Hang on, I got another call,
Hello?
Hello?
Are you the misanthrope?
Um...
Uh...
Y-yes, Are you the misanthropee?
Um, I don't know, I had to look it up,
You know, it sounds pretty intense,
I guess I'll give you a shot, I'm not wasting
my New Year's on somebody I don't like,
Within five minutes, I'll know if I like you
or not, Where do you wanna meet?
Whoa, That seems like a lot of pressure,
I don't know if I can handle that,
Yeah? Well, life's full of pressure,
you know?
- So, is La Poubelle OK with you?
- Um, yeah, it's...
- Then I'll see you there at about 4 o'clock,
- Wait,
I don't even know what you look like,
You've seen a picture of me,
Well...
I'm 300 pounds, I'm into bondage
and I like Hello Kitty,
God, I'm kidding! What can you not
find out in five minutes of meeting me?
No offense, but I'm meeting
three other guys before you,
I'm gonna figure out
which one I like best, OK?
I mean, listen, I'm not gonna waste
my New Year's Eve on some total fuckup,
Are you gonna meet me there at 4 o'clock?
- OK,
- OK, great,
Wait, wait, What will you be wearing?
What? Is this some kind of
fucking sex thing?
No, no, no!
I'm gonna be sitting there,
all nervous and looking at every girl
that comes in, and it's embarrassing,
Too bad, That's your fucking life right now,
I can't help you, So I'll see you at four?
Will I see you at four?
- OK,
- OK. Bye.
(phone beeps)
- Hey, Mom, Sorry about that,
- Who was that?
It was, uh... just a friend,
- A girl?
- Yeah, actually, it was,
What's her name?
What does she do?
It's not at that point,
Just let it be, OK?
Honey, you're hedging on 30,
I think you'd be in a serious relationship,
Mom, Mom! Jeez, come on,
OK, Just drop it, please,
Oh, OK,
You sound good, honey,
You really do,
I mean, I thought maybe when Karen
dumped you, I'd be worried about you,
- But you sound good.
- Yeah, I've never been happier,
That's my go-get-'em kid,
You go get 'em, honey,
Happy New Year, baby.
- (Min) I think you look great,
- Really?
You're gonna need a belt, though,
Jacob, can you grab some belts?
Got the belts, La-la-la, Which one?
- This one,
- OK,
- I got it, Let me do this,
- You're looking good,
You look great, I like the whole Freddy
Krueger look, I love that sweater on you,
- I feel like a rodeo clown,
- You're not a rodeo clown,
Bui, get in here, Help me with this guy,
What do you think of his outfit?
Oh, man, Yeah, you look New York,
I don't like wearing clothes that I look
back in ten years and I feel humiliated,
That's not this outfit,
That's nice,
That's like a classic,
That's timeless,
- (Jacob) Clothes make the man,
- I feel good,
- I mean, the belt's not working,
- Do you have another belt?
I used to wear this belt, You just loop
through, come down, buckle my shoe,
- Right there, Yeah!
- (Jacob) Looks good, You're feeling it,
- So this is the outfit, then?
- Yeah,
- All right, good, You're dressed,
- I would totally fuck you,
I would fuck you, too,
Why don't we do an orgy?
She'd fuck you, I'd fuck you,
Would you fuck him?
OK, yeah, Yeah, I mean...
See? You're looking good,
This is the heartbreaker outfit,
- You'll break hearts in this,
- I'm feeling Mr, Heartbreaker,
Now we're talking, There you go,
All right? High-five?
- High-five,
- High-five? Everybody, high-five,
I'm feeling confident, Looking good,
Sorry about that, man, I just don't feel
confident wearing those clothes,
It's all right, You gotta wear what you like,
That's how it works,
Thanks for letting me borrow your car,
I'll fill it up with gas,
It's not a problem,
Wanna borrow some money?
You can buy her flowers,
I don't need to borrow your money,
We bathed together when we were ten,
You can borrow anything,
Whoa, We weren't ten,
We were, like, two,
Hey, don't eat her out,
- What? What are you talking about?
- We're not in Texas anymore,
This is LA, Girls are dirty here,
Just don't eat her out, and wear a condom,
- I'm not even thinking about that right now,
- Look...
I don't wanna get some disease because
I used the same bar of soap as you,
- Just don't do it,
- Well, I don't have any condoms, so...
- I got you covered, I brought some for you,
- Whoa! Jeez, I don't need five,
Actually, I don't need any, I don't like
having 'em on me, It's too predetermined,
(Jacob) It's reality,
It's not predetermined,
(Wilson) Look, look, If it gets to that point,
I can just run out and get some,
(Jacob) Jesus Christ!
You're acting like you're in seventh grade!
We fuck, we suck, We're animals,
We're apes,
We stick fucking pieces of plastic in us
so we can come!
We fucking stick each other's dicks
in each other's asses!
Fucking, you don't get upset when they
leave toilet paper next to the toilet seat
because they assume
you have to wipe your ass, do you?
Well, do you or not, man?
Shit, no, you don't, man,
Girls aren't gonna carry those things,
Girls don't do that,
They feel guilty,
They feel like sluts if they carry
these things around, So just take 'em,
I'll take two,
Take three, Sometimes you get tired,
and you're gonna need to slip one on,
That's an extra large, I don't know
your size, but it might come in handy,
- I haven't seen a condom in six years,
- Get used to it, man,
These ladies out there, they are insane,
They are trying to hook a man,
We are getting older,
They'll poke holes in condoms,
I'm serious,
Especially the Asian ones, man,
They will fucking poke holes in condoms
so they get knocked up,
'cause then they get citizenship,
And yellow fever, wear the life jacket,
That's it,
Your nut sack is filled with green cards,
all right?
So just be safe
and, you know, bring your own,
I don't know if she's good-Iooking, She said
she was 300 pounds and into bondage,
All right, man, here, Just take all five,
This is fucking hilarious,
You gotta promise me you're gonna
come to the party, It's important,
I'll try,
I don't know what's gonna happen in here,
I may be tied to the dominatrix's bedpost,
Fuck, There's something
very, very special that I'm gonna do,
and it would mean a lot to me
if you were gonna be there,
What? What are you talking about?
Don't say anything, but...
I'm gonna propose to Min,
- You're serious?
- Yeah,
I love her, and I just figure,
you know, why not get married?
- Do you have a ring?
- Yeah, Yeah,
My mom just sent it yesterday,
It just came yesterday,
Look at that,
That's the ring of doom,
My father gave that
to every one of his five wives,
and every one of them ended in divorce,
My mom's the only one that kept it,
That ring has so much fucking hatred
and just anger
and aggression and fucking frustration
and just divorce all tied into that,
But you know what? I don't care,
My love for Min is so strong
that I'm gonna beat the Mclntyre curse,
That right there is gonna become
the ring of love,
Man, I'm so happy for you,
I was gonna do it this morning, but your
little jack-off stunt kind of killed the mood,
You just made the whole thing
that much more memorable,
Great, Now you'll tell that story every time
somebody asks you how you proposed,
Yeah, but, man, that's why I love you,
I love you for that,
All right, man,
- Good luck, I'm really happy for you,
- Thank you,
- Good luck,
- And you,
- I'll see you tonight,
- Alrighty,
Hey, I'm just meeting someone here,
- Sure, Two?
- Two, yeah,
- Anywhere you'd like,
- Can I get a double espresso?
No problem,
Wilson,
Hey,
You're not bad,
You should've seen the last guy,
Said he was an acupuncturist, Wanted to
take me to his house and stick pins in me,
I fucking hate men!
I think they're gonna end up being
so simple, and they're just fucking apes,
Yeah,
So, uh, how old are you?
- What?
- How old are you?
Don't you think
that's a fucking rude question?
No! I mean, obviously,
you're extremely attractive,
- Come here,
- What?
Come on, Come here, come here,
Actually, to tell you the truth, I'm 17,
But don't freak out,
I'm gonna be 18 in 11 months,
You probably wanna have sex,
but you can still come over,
My mom's room is way down the hall,
My dad goes hunting every weekend,
But to tell you the truth, Wilson,
I don't know if I can wait,
My pussy is so wet right now,
it's gonna be too hard,
- Oh, my God,
- What?
You're thinking about statutory rape now,
You're a mental statutory rapist,
That's fucking great, I'm 27,
Oh,
You really thought I was 17?
No, I mean, I'm glad that you're not,
- Why? So now you can fuck me?
- What? No!
Just get a life, OK?
This isn't a get-laid-for-free night, OK?
Dammit, I think we should pray,
- Are you serious?
- You have a problem with that?
- Well, actually, I...
- Shh! Close your eyes,
Dear God, wherever you are,
please help us find whatever it is
we're looking for tonight,
And let Wilson know
that he's not gonna get in my pants,
I don't want him to be too heartbroken,
In God's name, amen,
- Amen,
- Wow,
That felt really good,
I haven't prayed in a long time,
- So, are you, like, really religious?
- Mm-mm,
I said that so you wouldn't wanna have
sex with me, Religious guys are so hyper,
Well, maybe God
is watching over us tonight,
So we can find what we're looking for?
What are you looking for?
The love of my life,
On Craigslist?
No, Forget it,
I can't even stand any more relationships,
I have one more interview after you,
and actually, I think the guy is here,
So, if you don't mind,
I'm gonna talk to him,
- Are you serious?
- Sit over there,
- Don't you think...
- Just go fucking sit!
- Hi, You must be Stevie,
- Yes, I am, Thanks for meeting me,
Wow, You're really good-Iooking,
I have to say,
- Thank you, That's very flattering,
- Mm-hm,
So, tell me, what do you do?
What's your occupation?
I own a termite company,
I used to have a restaurant,
but the termite company's really good,
- It's the main thing I do,
- Wow, You seem like a nice guy,
Why are you posting ads on Craigslist?
Isn't that pathetic?
- It's not something I normally do,
- Come on, Stevie, Everybody says that,
I mean, uh...
I'm divorced, I'm Ionely,
You know, I...
It's hard to meet single women, It's...
You know, all my friends are married,
and I have two kids,
- Does that freak you out at all?
- Mm-mm,
- I'm just trying to meet somebody,
- Right, Kids, Two of them,
Yeah,
- Boy, girl? Boy, boy? Girl, girl?
- Oh, boy, girl,
Jack, he's five, and Melissa, she's three,
And they're just beautiful kids,
Well, um...
You seem like a really nice guy, Stevie,
but to tell you the truth,
I just don't think it's gonna work out,
I just drove down here from Irvine,
I mean, for 60 seconds?
It was an hour-and-a-half drive,
We could go out, We could have
a really good time, We could get along,
You know, it'll be fun,
I'm a really fun guy,
It's just not gonna work out tonight,
It was really, really nice meeting you,
Oh, my God,
- Oh, and have a happy New Year,
- Yeah, happy New Year,
Let's go,
Don't you think you were a little harsh?
No, When you have 11 siblings, you know
how to go out there and get what you want,
- That's what will give me my edge here,
- What do you mean, your edge?
Well, I'm an actress,
and out here, it's a dime a dozen,
and I just don't think people out here have
the raw ambition that I do, I don't know,
You're a real All About Eve, huh?
I don't know who Eve is,
but yeah, I guess so,
Well, where, uh...
where are we going?
- I don't know, I was following you,
- Well, I was following you,
I'm not getting in a car with you,
OK, We could take the subway,
Yeah, yeah, That sounds good,
Public place, there are people around,
You can't rape me, That's great,
You're a real trusting soul,
I'm giving you until sunset,
Then I'll figure out if I like you or not,
If not, I'm gonna go out
with somebody else,
- You're kidding,
- No, I don't have time to fuck around,
So far, you seem like a really nice guy,
but I'm not gonna be standing there
at midnight,
next to a bunch of people kissing all over
each other, next to some fucking dud!
- So, you ever been down to the MOCA?
- What's that?
- It's the Museum of Contemporary Art,
- No,
- Guess you've never heard of it,
- I hate museums,
- Fuck you, As if I'm gonna pick up,
- (# cell phone rings)
I mean, seriously, what is wrong with men?
What the fuck is wrong with you guys?
Um... I don't know,
Hey, this is Vivian. Leave a message,
and I'll call you back. Thanks.
(man) Viv... it's been five days,
and I'm just driving around, looking
for you. I don't know what else to do.
If you got all these messages
and you're ignoring me and you wanna
move on with your life, that's fine.
I understand. But...
(man sighs)
I cannot let that happen.
Call me, honey. I love you.
- You shouldn't smoke here,
- Why not?
For starters, it's not allowed,
And second of all, I hate litter,
- Aren't you a goody-two-shoes!
- No, I just don't like litter,
- You're a real wild man,
- Listen, I have my moments,
It's the quiet guys we have to look out for,
They tend to be the freakiest,
And you're not freaky? I almost walked out
when you said that shit to that guy,
Oh, my God, That is pathetic,
You're too soft,
He probably went home
and slit his wrists,
Fine by me,
Survival of the fittest,
If you can't take the heat,
get out of the kitchen,
Jeez!
It's that random act of unkindness from
some stranger that's the coup de grce,
and then all of a sudden, boom - you're
bleeding to death on the bathroom floor,
That's an excuse, If you're at that point,
you might as well do it -
you're gonna rot in hell anyway,
We're gonna miss the train,
You should think about therapy,
Your Catholic upbringing has given you
a sensitive edge,
(Vivian) That's right, Catholic schoolgirl,
I got my uniform in my purse,
You want me to take it out?
I know you're into
that whole pedophilia shit,
Have your read that book, City of Quartz?
No, Books suck,
Hey, we should go down to the Standard,
Yeah,
- What's that?
- It's this hotel downtown,
They have this cool bar on the roof, I read
about it, Lindsay Lohan eats lunch there,
Oh, So she's eating again,
- Yeah, but I don't know where it's at, so...
- Well, I'm sure we could find it,
- Really?
- Yeah, I mean, if you wanna go,
Yeah, That'd be cool,
I just never get to do stuff like that
because my boyfriend's such an asshole,
he never wants to go out,
Yeah, well, I love doing stuff like that,
(musical interlude)
(Vivian squeals)
(Vivian) Wow, The Los Angeles
Stock Exchange, (chuckles)
(Wilson) "Founded on integrity,"
Well, that's destined for failure,
Can you imagine if this happened
to the New York Stock Exchange?
Like, all the banks picked up and left
and someone closed down the Stock
Exchange and put a chain on the door?
These things happen, You look at our
country and you think it could never fail,
but you look at something like that
and it makes you wonder,
It's like everything good in life
eventually tragically fails,
- (Vivian) No, You're just cynical,
- I am not,
(Vivian) You are, What goes around,
comes around, You have no hope,
- (Wilson) It's not about hope,
- It is,
If King Tut was a CEO today, he would
have never pulled off the pyramids,
- King Tut? We're talking about King Tut?
- They would have called him...
Go ahead, I'm sorry,
They'd have called him negligent
for not wanting a normal mausoleum,
Those were built by hand back then,
(Vivian) There are still things
made by hand,
I mean, actually,
I make my own jewelry, See?
(Wilson) That's not bad,
(# "The Kind" by Shearwater)
It would be really, really cool to go inside
one of them, see what they look like,
- Inside one of the theaters?
- Yeah,
You want to?
- Really?
- Yeah,
Uh...
- Stay here,
- Where are you going?
You promised me, Six o'clock,
Hey, there, How are you?
Hey, I was wondering if we could come in
there and just take a look at the theater,
- What did you say to the security guard?
- I told her she could sleep with you,
- (Vivian, laughing) What?
- What? You're OK with that, right?
- No, not really,
- So maybe?
(Vivian) Oh, God, Well, at least we got in,
- (Wilson) At least we got in,
- (both) Oh, my God,
- (Vivian) This is so amazing,
- Wow, Look at the ceiling,
(Vivian) Oh, my God,
This is incredible!
Oh, my God!
And it's huge... huge...
huge... huge... huge,
(Vivian) Can you imagine
what this looked like when it opened?
(Wilson) I know,
(Vivian) Look at the ceiling,
Ohh, it's beautiful,
God, I can't believe this theater
is just sitting here,
(Wilson) Theater is dead in LA,
Do you know I've been onstage
every year of my life since I was 12?
- Really?
- That's why I came to LA, to be an actor,
My friends threw me
the most amazing going-away party,
I got so fucking wasted,
I couldn't even pack the U-Haul, Yeah,
And so I get here, and I waste all my
fucking time with my stupid hick boyfriend,
Yeah, well, welcome to LA,
Embrace the pain,
Wilson, look at this place,
Look at this theater,
this empty theater, just sitting here,
So many all over town,
I can't believe it,
And think about this:
all these out-of-work actors and writers
and all these amazing theaters,
just sitting here,
- Write something, We can do it right here,
- It's not that easy,
Write me a character,
something really good that I can do,
You know, something sexy and edgy and...
Something where I get to use a knife,
I've only really written comedy,
You write comedy?
You're the least funny person I've ever met,
- Well, I've had a rough year,
- OK, get over it,
You know, time is a-ticking away,
You are getting old,
Think of anything,
and we can do it right here,
- I don't know, l-l-I'm a prostitute...
- I like it,
...who has AIDS and I'm dying of cancer,
- Nothing funnier than AIDS and cancer,
- OK, OK, OK, So...
I'm... a real-estate agent,
OK,
Who is showing the theater
to a young, decent-Iooking guy,
He's a little bit annoying,
but he has potential,
- Thank you,
- He decides to buy this theater,
and fix it up
and bring the theater back to LA,
And during all this, all this connection,
we fall in love, then we go broke, The end,
That sounds hilarious,
You're bitter now,
You can do it,
OK, Um...
Interior, Theater, Day,
Um, she's showing him the theater
for the first time, and they're alone,
And then what happens?
She's hungry
and wants to get something to eat,
- And he should be starved,
- She needs a cigarette,
My boyfriend - well, hold on,
I should say my ex-boyfriend -
God, he has the worst accent,
I mean, he's a total redneck,
Ahh, I can't believe
I was with him for three years,
Well, I think LA is where love comes to die,
I haven't met one couple that's moved
out here that's actually made it, Sorry,
No, it's...
It's New Year's, so let's drop the subject,
We're supposed to have fun,
Fun, A study was done that found
that people were significantly less happy
when asked if they were
having a good time,
It's like, the second someone asks,
"You having a good time?"
- you're having a bad time,
- (laughs) Totally,
It's like being asked to smile for the
camera, When somebody says, "Smile!"
- Yeah!
- You look so stupid,
Yes!
You ever seen a picture of yourself where
you're laughing and you say, "I'm happy"?
Oh, yeah, Yeah,
I mean, yeah,
Kind of like this,
Whoa!
- Kind of,
- Well, wait, Really look,
- (giggles) No?
- No,
- Am I happy?
- No,
There you go,
See? You can't fake it,
You're right, You got me,
Oh, my God,
- It's a boot,
- I know,
I've been taking pictures of lost shoes
for about three years now,
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, I have a website,
TheLostShoeProject, com,
TheLostShoeProject, com,
Yeah, I've been noticing women's shoes,
high heels with the heel broken off,
or baby shoes and work boots and...
and there's always just one shoe,
I mean, that just fascinates me,
How can anybody just lose one shoe?
(Wilson) That's really cool,
Thanks,
I mean, it's... you know,
it's really interesting,
So, let's find food,
I've never even been here before,
- Do you miss Texas?
- No, no,
I fucking love LA,
Have you been auditioning much?
No, but this year,
I'm gonna take it more seriously,
I need new headshots and to stop wasting
my time with my loser ex-boyfriend,
- What about you?
- Austin?
I think a lot of people move back home
because they miss it,
but they're just trying
to go backwards in time,
I totally agree, I'd be so depressed
if I had to go back right now,
- Tell me about it,
- (# cell phone rings)
(turns off ringer)
- Who was that?
- Oh, it was just Jack,
Jack's the...?
The ex,
- The hick,
- He sure is calling a lot,
Hey, this is Vivian. Leave a message,
and I'll call you back. Thanks.
Vivian, this is Mom.
I was just calling to wish you
a happy New Year. Hope everything's OK.
Jack called and said that he had not seen
you or heard from you in a couple of days.
He said you were missing,
whatever that means.
I know that Jack can be a little... out there.
So I'm a little concerned.
So give me a call as soon as
you get this message. I love you.
So, uh, how long have
you guys been broken up?
Last week,
Ohh,
"Ohh"?
"Ohh" what?
- I'm not thinking anything,
- Wait,
You said "ohh"
as if you knew something I didn't,
OK, I was just thinking this is, um...
you know,
- I don't know, What?
- Come on, you know,
- I don't, What?
- Come on, don't make me say it,
Say it, What?
OK, this is, um...
revenge sex,
- Revenge sex?
- Yeah,
(laughing) Oh, my God!
You were jealous, you wanna
make him hurt, You can use me,
No, no, This is not revenge sex,
because we are not gonna have sex,
And I don't give a shit what he does,
He can go fuck himself for all I care,
Ha! Yeah, right,
- What makes you so fucking smug?
- 'Cause you're kidding yourself,
- I am not!
- Revenge sex is very much a part of it,
I'm leaving,
OK, before you go, then,
just answer me this one question,
Did you or did you not trim your pubic hair
before we met?
- I am not answering that,
- Did you?
- That's none of your business,
- You're afraid of the answer,
- No! Because it's none of your business,
- Did you or didn't you prep before we met?
I happen to trim regularly
because I like to keep well groomed,
You didn't have to trim this morning,
But you did,
because you thought me or someone
like me would see your vagina tonight,
Actions speak louder than words,
- I hate to break the news to you...
- Break it to me,
...but you'll never know the answer,
because you will not be seeing my vagina,
- Whoa!
- What?
- Easy, The night is still young,
- Oh, my God! Keep dreaming,
How's that cigarette nicotine
with that dairy?
- Get the fuck outta here!
- (laughs)
This is so beautiful out here,
Don't you think it's kind of special that
we were sitting on this spot 364 days ago?
- We were?
- Yep,
Yeah, Remember we went to the party
where I got super hammered,
put on a diaper and started chasing
everybody around like a madman?
And I lost my shoe somehow?
So you took me to the store
and you bought me the sandals.
You saved my life.
And rather than going home, we went to
the beach and watched the sun come up.
(# "Sky Pilot" by Paleo)
That was this spot, 364 days ago,
Incredible, huh?
I'm really cold,
- Hey, I have a surprise for you,
- Yeah? Really?
- Yeah,
- Where?
- Follow me,
- OK,
(Jacob) You know...
I think you're so amazing,
And I know I'm stupid and I'm stubborn,
and I just fight and all that shit, but...
I'm never happier than when I'm with you,
I think you're great, too,
Thank you,
You know, I think I may be
going to London in March,
Neptune's got me some gigs there,
which would be perfect,
He says he's gonna pay for my trip,
and, um...
Yeah, I've always wanted to go to London,
so it'd be, like, a perfect thing,
Don't you think that's great?
(Vivian) Hey,
- Let's go skinny-dipping,
- OK,
- Pervert,
- Guilty,
- I like public nudity, It's kinda sexy,
- Oh, do you, now?
Yeah,
- Come on, let's play truth or dare,
- What are you, 12?
No! Truth or dare,
Listen, when you get to be a certain age,
you stop playing games like truth or dare,
- Wait, wait, stop, stop,
- What?
Look, You got a ladybug in your hair,
Wait, wait! It's good luck,
So, make a wish
and then, you know, blow,
Wait, wait, wait, Wait,
What is your wish?
Well, if I tell you,
then it's not gonna come true,
No, You have to say it out loud
so it will come true,
OK,
I wish that you wouldn't leave
at six o'clock,
(blows)
Hope I didn't kill it with that thrust,
Well, I guess we'll know at six o'clock,
Hey, this is Vivian. Leave a message,
and I'll call you back. Thanks.
(Jack) It's only about an hour
till the new year,
and I can't make it to the next year
unless I hear from you.
I can't.
What am I supposed to do?
Pop champagne while you're
in the bottom of a ditch somewhere?
I don't wanna get a call from the police.
I wanna hear from you. OK?
I love you. Bye.
(# "Wedding Bells Are Breaking"
by Shearwater)
(Vivian) There's this guy
who did this art project,
He took postcards and he dropped 'em off
all in public places all over the city,
like on subways,
in bathrooms, on buses,
And he basically invited people to write
an anonymous confession on the postcard,
something they had never told anybody,
- and then drop it off in the mail,
- OK,
He asked them to kind of be creative
with the postcard,
use it almost like a canvas or something,
(Wilson) Mm-hm,
(Vivian) Well, within a year, the guy had
collected over 10,000 confessions,
and all were just completely amazing,
- What kind of confessions?
- All kinds, I mean, some totally hilarious,
Some really sad,
Like, there was this one that said:
"I wish my mom loved me for who I was
and not who I hadn't become,"
- God, that's horrible,
- I know,
And there was this really fucked-up one,
This babysitter said
that she had come across
some of the owners' condoms
and poked holes in them to ensure
that she had work for years to come,
Isn't that crazy?
God, that's horrible,
I gotta get a copy of this book,
If I ever see you again, can I borrow it?
If I ever see you again,
Yeah, sure,
So these people
just wrote these things in themselves?
I mean, no catch or nothing?
Yeah,
I mean, I think just saying whatever
to somebody
and not have them totally freak out
or completely write you off
as a human being is...
it's comforting,
- (Wilson) You wanna go up there?
- Sure,
Look at those people kissing,
(Wilson) God, I love it down here,
Look - "Metropolitan Water District,"
- "Established in 1917,"
- (Vivian) Very good, very good,
(Wilson) Wells Fargo,
That's where I do all my banking,
So, why don't you tell me a confession
that you've never told anyone before?
Um, I don't know,
I don't think that's a good idea,
Come on, You said how much you liked
that art project, how healing it was,
and, you know, how it made everybody
feel good after they confessed,
Why don't you just, you know...
throw out a confession for me?
I don't know, I don't want you to judge me,
Not that I have anything to hide,
I won't judge you,
OK, if you do it, I'll do it,
OK, I'll do it on one condition,
OK,
You have to kiss me,
- What do I get out of it?
- A chance to kiss me,
- I think I'll pass,
- Then I'm not confessing anything,
OK, fine,
And it has to be a real kiss,
like an adult kiss, like with tongue,
Deal,
- Deal,
- Deal,
OK, This is really embarrassing,
Um...
I don't know if this is a good idea,
Come on, tell me,
All right,
This morning, I was in my apartment,
and I was really Ionely
and I was horny, and...
I don't know,
This isn't a good idea,
- What is it? Just tell me,
- All right,
I Photoshopped a picture of my friend's
girlfriend, and I was using it to masturbate,
- What?
- (laughs)
I know,
It's totally something I would never do,
I mean, it was totally humiliating, too,
'cause they walked in on me,
- I cannot believe you did that,
- Me neither, I feel gross,
- That is so sick,
- I know,
It's something I would never confess,
- You know what? You shouldn't have,
- Well, now you have to kiss me,
I'm not kissing you!
Hey, Hey!
- Where are you going?
- I wanna go home,
- Why? 'Cause I was masturbating?
- Yeah, well, I'm a little disturbed,
Well, grow up,
'cause everybody masturbates,
Not to their friend's girlfriend's photo!
Yeah, well, it has to be real,
or I can't get off,
Oh, my God, You are sick,
Yeah, well, you know, who isn't!
I bet your confession is ten times worse,
- You're wrong,
- What do you masturbate to?
- That is none of your business!
- But you do masturbate,
You know what? This date is over,
I told you, at sunset, It is so over!
Don't you think you're overreacting? I don't
understand what you're so mad about,
Listen, I was just being brutally honest
with you, OK?
I thought that's what you wanted,
Let me ask you something,
Do you have condoms on you right now?
- N-No!
- You are such a liar!
- You're a liar!
- Let me search you,
No way! You didn't hold up
your end of the bargain,
OK,
You're right, I'm sorry,
- Oh, my God, You are such a liar,
- Oh, dammit, Listen, I can explain!
You brought five condoms? What did you
think? We were gonna fuck all night?
No, listen, These aren't mine,
My... Dammit!
My buddy Jacob told me to take 'em,
and he doesn't know anything,
You thought we were gonna have sex
on date number one,
No! I didn't, Can I just explain? Will you
just stop for two seconds and let me talk?
Stop!
I've never had a one-night stand in my life,
This is my first date in six years!
I brought these
so you didn't have to feel like a slut,
- What?!
- No! I mean...
Just listen, I brought 'em so that,
if the moment presented itself,
I wouldn't have to run out and get some,
You don't get offended that there's toilet
paper when you have to take a shit,
What the fuck are you talking about?!
You're just overreacting!
Listen,
Would you please stop?
Come on, You'd think it'd be
more insensitive if I didn't bring 'em,
as if I don't care that you get a disease
or, you know, get pregnant,
Fuck you and all men like you,
(# "Lines" by Will Sheff)
I can't fucking believe you, bitch,
Vivian,
Please, will you...
Look, I'm sorry,
All right? Just don't go home,
Will you please just stop?
Listen, I spent the last three months
in my room, being depressed,
and it's New Year's Eve,
and I just... I don't wanna be left alone,
So just stick around with me till midnight,
You can go home at midnight,
you can do whatever you want,
Every year, on New Year's Eve, I'm gonna
think I just sent this girl home in tears,
I'm gonna wonder what happened to you,
Just... let me take you out to dinner,
I wanna do something nice for you,
- You don't have to do that,
- Honestly, let me take you out,
I have 100 dollars in my bank account,
I'm gonna pulse it out,
I'm gonna take you wherever you
wanna go, Any restaurant in this town,
I mean, as long as it's not more than
Come on,
It would make me feel like a man,
Well, there is this Italian restaurant
I've always wanted to go to,
- I love Italian,
- You do?
- I love it,
- OK,
You want to go there?
Come on,
This is perfect,
My roommate dropped off his car for me
on Hollywood and Cahuenga,
(# "The Queen of England"
by The Mendoza Line)
(Wilson) Look, I'm gonna show you,
Here,
(tapping buttons)
Please, please, please,
See, I'll show you, Look,
Just to show you that I'm not lying,
- You don't have to do this,
- Look, $8,
- You don't have to do this,
- No, I want to do this,
I just... wanted to show you,
You sure it's no more than $100, right?
Thank you,
(# "The Queen of England"
by The Mendoza Line continues)
Buonasera. Happy New Year,
- Benvenuti. Welcome to Oliva,
- Thank you,
- Hi, ciao, bella.
- Hi, Oh, thank you,
Table for two?
Wonderful, This way,
You know, my best friend's
proposing tonight,
I don't know if you're into it,
we could go down there,
- Where is it?
- Downtown in the warehouse district,
He's a DJ, so it's like a house-music thing,
Is he proposing to the girl
that you jacked off to this morning?
Yes, as a matter of fact, he is,
But it's OK, because she wasn't offended,
She actually said it was flattering,
- That it was flattering?
- Yeah, she did,
- That you were jacking off to her?
- Yes,
- She liked it?
- She did,
- OK, I have to meet this girl, then,
- Well, you will tonight,
Yeah, that sounds good,
Well, here,
Cheers to a better year,
To a better year,
Isn't this better than going home
and feeling Ionely and awful?
- Yes, it is,
- We can feel Ionely and awful together,
- What a terrible evening,
- Oh, it's the worst,
I'm with a beautiful girl, we just had
a nice dinner, a bottle of wine,
(# cell phone rings)
- Your phone keeps ringing off the hook,
- Sorry,
- I love this song,
- You do?
No, You should really think
about changing your ringtone,
- It's on my "to do" list,
- (# cell phone continues to ring)
All right, either turn that thing off
or answer it,
- No, I can't, I can't, I can't,
- Then why do you have a phone?
I can't answer it
because this is my stupid ex-boyfriend,
Then pick it up and tell him to stop calling,
He's not gonna stop,
- No, you don't even...
- I don't what?
Listen, I left my house five days ago,
I've been staying at a fucking motel,
Everybody's worried, and if I answer it, I'll
have to explain myself, I don't want to now,
I don't want to listen to your phone ring
all night, You're staying in a motel?
I'm having an amazing time
with you right now,
If I pick this up,
he is going to fuck it up so bad,
- He's not gonna fuck up anything,
- He is,
You pour some wine down you,
and it all comes out, You're overreacting,
- Let's get more wine,
- We're not getting more wine,
It's New Year's Eve,
He's not gonna stop calling,
- I know,
- Just pick it up and end it,
I mean, do you want this hanging
over your head for another year?
OK,
- Hello?
- (Jack) Honey.
- Honey, you're all right. Are you OK?
- Yes,
Your mom's called the FBI, your daddy
wants you on the back of a milk carton,
- I've called a private investigator.
- Jack, give me a break, I am fine,
- I thought you were dead or kidnapped.
- Just don't even worry about it,
We're over, it's through,
You have to understand that, It's over,
We'll work this out right now. We made
a vow we'd go out to LA and be stars.
Oh, well, you should have thought of that
before you started fucking that girl,
- We were just hanging out.
- Hanging out, Well, hmm,
Strange, that's not what David told me,
He's a compulsive liar! And he's been
trying to get in your pants since 9th grade!
Oh, god, shut up, Jack,
It doesn't even matter about David because
I saw you, I saw you with my own eyes,
Honey, calm down.
It doesn't even matter anymore,
It doesn't matter, You know why?
Because I am on a date tonight,
- I am on a date with this...
- No, no,
...wonderful, amazing, smart,
attractive, handsome man,
- He thinks I'm beautiful,
- Great, I'm gonna get shot,
- You're with a guy...
- Don't do this,
I like this guy so much that I think I'm
gonna go home and fuck this guy tonight,
Oh, shit,
- And I'm gonna fuck him over and over,
- That's gonna be awesome,
- OK, well, put him on. Put homo fag on.
- He's standing right here,
- Put him on the line.
- I'll put him on the phone,
I want to talk to this son of a bitch -
your imaginary fucking friend!
- No, no, no,
- Hold on one second,
- He doesn't believe me,
- I'm not talking to your ex-boyfriend,
- Please, just say anything,
- What do you want me to say?
- Just take the phone,
- (Jack) Viv!
Put him on the fucking phone. Hello?
Hello?
Who the fuck are you, homo fag?
Listen, man, I'm just a guy,
If you so much as touched her...
anywhere...
I'm gonna come over there
with a shotgun in hand,
and I'm gonna tie the two of youse up
in my fucking house,
pour some gasoline on you,
cut your fucking dick off,
then I'm gonna cook it while I burn
you motherfuckers with marshmallows
and eat a nice late-night dinner,
Then I'm gonna take your fucking carcass
and punch you in the mouth
until you have a mouth full of teeth!
- Hey, listen, man...
- It's not about words now. It's "do"!
I will do to you things.
Not even Freddy Krueger would do this shit
to you, 'cause that is my woman!
She is mine! She is mine!
She is mine!
She is mine! She will always be mine!
And she will never leave!
- And if she does, I will fucking kill you!
- Hey, hey...
- You're already dead,
- Calm down, man,
No, I'm not fucking done, you son of
a bitch! You are fucking dead, man!
You're fucking dead! You're a dead man!
You are a fucking dead motherfucker!
- Good God!
- There is no sense in talking to me.
Your funeral has already occurred,
There is a bullet in your skull
with my name on it in cursive writing,
that says "Fuck you,"
- You can say what you want,
- I don't need to threaten.
It's what I will do to you
and that fucking whore that you're with,
Just listen,
You can say what you want,
Do you understand me?
But it's New Year's Eve...
and your girlfriend,
your beautiful, beautiful girlfriend,
is out with me,
So that's just something
that you're gonna have to deal with,
Hello?
Put Vivian on right now.
He wants to talk to you,
Hello,
Honey, I'm driving over to our place right
now and I'm gonna burn all of your shit,
- Shit,
- What did he say?
He's going to my house to burn all my shit,
- Oh, shit!
- So, I think if we take Fountain,
we'll save a lot of time
because it's too crowded now,
I'm not going to your house,
- Help me save my shit,
- No fucking way I'm going to your house!
- We'll get there before he even shows up,
- Look at me, No, no, no, No way,
I do not have time to argue with you,
He is gonna burn pictures
of my grandmother,
There's so much stuff I have to save,
Please, I am begging you,
I will drive,
That means I'm not getting out of the car,
I will drive, I'm the driver,
(Vivian) OK,
Oh, shit! Get the light,
Go in the living room
and look for his truck, He'll be...
- What color truck does he drive?
- Silver,
I'm gonna get some stuff out of
the bedroom, Help me grab some stuff!
- What am I supposed to grab?
- Get my weed!
- Where's your weed?
- It's in the heater!
- Where's the heater?
- Grab my lamp,
I got it at the garage sale,
I love that lamp!
Do you really need this?
Just grab memorable stuff!
And there's a little picture of me
as a little girl by the window,
- Oh, my God, you're so cute,
- Did you get it?
What else?
How about a picture of your cat?
Yes, yes!
Get my weed! It's in the heater!
I don't know where it is! I'm looking all
around the heater and there's no weed!
Oh, oh, oh!
- What?
- Get my bongo drum!
I have lessons on Tuesdays!
(tires squealing)
- (Wilson) Oh, shit!
- Oh!
All right, he's here, he's here!
Go, go, come on!
(Jack shouts in pain)
(Vivian panting, Wilson laughs)
- Get my bunny!
- Abort!
Oh, God,
I should have aborted the bunny,
Go! Go!
Happy New Year, Jack!
Wait!
You're going too fast!
- Come on,
- (Vivian laughs)
(# "My Good Deed" by Will Sheff)
(Wilson) So... this is I think
where he said it was,
(loud house music thumping indoors)
(cheers and whistles)
(Wilson) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What's up, Jacob?
Oh, you made it, you made it,
Thank you so much for coming,
- I wouldn't miss it for the world,
- Thank you,
Jacob, Vivian,
Vivian, Jacob,
- Hey, how are you?
- Nice to meet you, Happy New Year,
Thanks, I forgot it was New Year's Eve,
We've had such a crazy night,
- Oh, really? Yeah?
- Crazy,
- She fucking hit me,
- No way!
- Yeah, I'll tell you about it...
- She hit you?
I'll tell you about it later,
- Oh, man, you needed to be hit,
- I know, I know, I know,
- Hey, did you guys get drinks yet?
- No,
- Do you want a beer?
- Yeah, that sounds good,
- Oh, thanks,
- Oh, thanks,
Cheers to the best year of our life,
- Cheers,
- Could not be any worse,
Oh, yeah, Hear! Hear!
Hear! Hear!
So, have you done it yet?
- No, I haven't,
- You nervous?
I have butterflies, but, you know,
it kind of feels... it feels good,
I want to do this now,
Let's do this, let's go, I'm ready,
Don't do it yet,
I gotta go to the bathroom, 20 minutes,
It's, like, 30 minutes till midnight,
so we got a little bit of time, OK?
(music thumping)
- Hi, How are you?
- Hey, how's it going? Good to see you,
- You too,
- How you been?
- I've been good,
- Good,
- You look cute,
- Thanks, I dressed myself tonight,
I'm having so much fun
with that girl tonight,
- Really?
- Yeah,
Hey, so Jacob's about to go on,
so I'll see you in there in a minute,
Hey, um...
Real quick, l-l-I...
I have a present for you,
- What is it?
- Come here, I'll tell you,
What?
I'm sorry, l-I...
I thought you were attracted to me,
(Jacob) Can you turn the music down?
Hello, everybody,
Hey, everybody, uh...
(cheers and whistles)
Can you turn the light on, please, for me?
That would be great,
Thank you, Um...
I just want to say...
I want to be the first one to say
"Happy New Year" to all you great people,
(cheers and applause)
Yeah, um...
- Tell me what happened,
- I'll tell you about it in the car,
I wouldn't normally turn off the music
like this,
but there's something important
that I need to do,
(crowd taunting playfully)
Min, Where are you, Min?
Can you come here, please?
(women chanting) Min, Min, Min, Min!
Hi,
This has... this has been the love
of my life for the last two years,
(man) Congratulations,
Um, I've been, uh...
I've been trying to find the right time
to do this all day,
but the moment just never seemed
to come up, so...
- (man) Don't be nervous,
- (laughter)
(crowd shouts and whoops)
(crowd quiets down)
I've loved you more than I've loved
anybody I've ever met in my entire life,
Honestly, the connection
that I have with you, it's amazing,
I've never felt... anything like this before,
OK, before I ask you this question...
I don't want you to answer
until after midnight,
'cause I want to give you, like,
a symbolic year to think it over,
I want you to be my wife till the day I die,
Will you marry me?
- Don't answer,
- (music resumes)
- Don't say yet,
- (crowd cheers and whistles)
No, no, we should wait,
(# "Barbed Wire Blues"
by Johnny Lee Schell)
(Wilson) Why did she have to
put me into that predicament?
- Because she lives at our house,
- Don't even worry about it,
Who cares!
I mean, love is strange,
It's OK,
This is the one couple
that had their shit together,
- Nobody has their shit together,
- They had their shit together,
We are all just hanging on
by a thread, trust me,
You might as well enjoy what you have
until that thread breaks, That's what I say,
(DJ) One minute and 45 seconds to go,
Los Angeles.
How are you gonna spend
the remaining seconds of the year?
Listening to a radio show?
We've got another song,
but we won't get to the end of it
because we're just about out of time.
If you're not where you want to be,
I'd suggest running.
It's t-minus 1-39, 1-38...
Oh, this is great, That's it,
- I guess we're parked,
- People are getting out of their cars,
This is so typical, New Year's Eve
in Los Angeles, and I'm stuck in traffic,
(# song on radio)
I guess it's not too bad,
Sometimes you just got to
give in to the shitstorm,
There is no way of avoiding it,
you know?
You just gotta get that umbrella
and get out there and party,
- That's very well said,
- Thank you,
So come on, it's New Year's Eve,
You got time for some resolutions,
What do you got?
- To be honest, I haven't thought about it,
- What? Well, you better hurry up,
Come on, close your eyes,
Come on,
(DJ) The final grains of sand are slipping
away more quickly as just a few remain.
We are fast approaching
the one-minute mark, starting right...
60 seconds.
(# "A Voice Remembered"
by Kazamir Boyle)
(DJ) Whatever you've wanted to do this
year, you have 25 seconds left to do it,
or come to terms with the fact
that you're not gonna get it done.
We're down to the final 15 seconds. Get
ready for the countdown. Here it comes.
Ten, nine, eight,
seven, six,
five, four, three,
two, one!
(overlapping shouts and cheers)
Happy New Year, Los Angeles!
I love you! I love you to death.
I love you for struggling and for fighting
against all the traffic,
all the obstacles we have before us
just to get together in this city.
Good luck finding love. Those that come
here putting their careers ahead of love,
I hope you find
what you're looking for tonight,
because this waking moment,
on this planet,
is our one chance to make it happen.
(# "Auld Lang Syne" on piano)
(horns honking)
(people cheering, blowing noisemakers)
I would love...
to marry...
you!
So, take a seat on the couch,
and I'm going to...
get some wine and turn on some music,
That sounds great,
I like your place,
Thanks,
If you ever need a place to crash
for a few days, you're more than welcome,
Actually I think I'm gonna stay
with my sister, She's out in the valley,
- So your sister lives out here?
- Yep, She said I could crash there,
(answering machine)
You have five new messages.
Wow, Mr, Popular,
(man) Hi, don't get upset if you're straight.
You didn't mention whether you were gay.
You posted under the holiday dates,
so it said "gender neutral."
Oh, shit, Wait one...
- Wait, wait, wait, I want to hear this,
- What?
- Let me hear this,
- All right,
I think you're hot from your photo. Bye.
(woman) I'm calling for the misanthrope.
- My number's 310-555-8934.
- OK, this is really embarrassing,
I divorced recently
and now I'm back out there.
I think I'm pretty attractive.
You know, I have a good body. (laughs)
So with that, I don't know what to say.
Um, well, I hope I'll hear from you.
(machine beeps)
(woman) Hi. I'm 36-24-36, blonde.
- I want to show you a good time.
- Maybe I jumped the gun,
- And my pager is 323...
- Your pager? Who has a pager anymore?
- Hookers, She was a hooker,
Oh,
- Oh, happy New Year, sweetie.
- That's my mom,
You didn't pick up your cell. I can't wait
to hear about this new girl you're seeing.
- Oh, shit,
- It's about time.
I want to hear all about her.
- What girl?
- I love you. Happy New Year.
I was on the other line with her when you
called, so I didn't know what to tell her,
(woman) Um, it's me.
Happy New Year.
I hope when you get this you're having
a really good time in LA.
Sounds like everything's
really working out for you.
I knew it would. You're so smart and
you're so driven and talented, and, um...
I don't know. I miss hearing you
tell me your stories and...
Someday everybody will see what you've
been working on. I'm really proud of you.
I just have complete faith
that this is just what you're meant to do.
Um... I don't know.
Things are going OK over here.
I'm just spending a lot of time
doing lesson planning and...
I don't know. I miss you.
And I was really, really glad
when I got your email.
And, uh, give me a call,
and, I don't know, we can talk.
All right.
Bye.
- (answering machine) End of messages.
- (beeps)
What's wrong?
Nothing,
Will you just hold me for a second?
Yeah,
You want me to tell you that confession
I never told you earlier today?
If you want to,
It's something I haven't told
anybody in the world yet,
What is it?
I'm pregnant,
He doesn't know, does he?
I was gonna tell him, and then I found out
he was cheating on me,
I just left and went
and checked myself into a hotel,
And I've been there ever since,
Are you gonna keep it?
I don't know,
I mean, if I do... (sighs)
...it's, like, no more nights like this,
No more... no more acting,
I guess I'll just move back to Texas
and maybe live with my mom, wait tables,
(birds chirping)
(woman moaning in pleasure)
(woman squeals)
(man and woman moan)
(woman) Oh, my God!
(squeals)
Are they serious?
(woman) Oh... my...
Mm-hm,
(woman) Oh!
- Do you hear that?
- Yeah, I love my neighbors,
(man and woman moan)
- That's loud,
- I know,
That's really loud,
Yeah, he's a stallion,
(woman shrieking)
They do that all the time?
Yeah, they just go at it and go at it
and go at it and go at it for hours,
- Oh, my God,
- The thing is a show, It's like a show,
(woman gasps)
- You just can't see anything,
- Do you hear this all the time?
Yeah, I love it,
(man) Ohh...
(woman) Oh, my God, oh, my God,
Fuck, fuck, fuck me,
(bodies slapping)
(Vivian laughs)
(woman) Oh, yeah!
- What does she look like?
- (clears throat)
She's really thin,
- You want some gum?
- What does that have to...
Yes, I'd love some gum,
Thank you,
You mean, she's not...
fat?
She's really thin?
- Is she hot?
- She's all right,
What does he look like?
(man and woman continue
to moan and pant)
- (whispering) Are you OK?
- Yeah,
Are you sure?
(whispering) Don't stop, Please don't stop,
(whispering) Don't stop,
Please don't stop,
(both panting)
(water running)
Good morning,
- So, um... I think we got all your stuff,
- (chuckles)
Thanks,
I guess I'll just pull around the car,
Oh, actually I called a cab,
Hey, uh, listen,
I'd really like to see you again,
Will you think of me next year at midnight?
Yeah,
I'll think of you every year
for the rest of my life,
That'd be nice,
I wish you luck,
You too,
(both) Bye,
(taxicab door opens)
(engine starts)
Hey,
I didn't know you were up,
Yeah, I am,
Did you have fun last night?
Yeah, I did,
- You?
- Mm-hm,
I... (clears throat)
I saw the girl that you were with,
She was very pretty,
Yeah, she is,
So... you're getting married,
Yeah, we're engaged,
Do you want to see the ring?
Mm-hm,
Mr, List,
- Mr, Craigslist,
- Hey,
- How are you, buddy?
- Good, So, um... congratulations,
- Thank you,
- You want orange juice?
Put something on before jack boy has
another jack attack! Jesus Christ, Min,
So, did you guys have a good time
last night? How was it?
We did, But did you have a good time?
That's what's more important,
Did you do it? Did you guys do it?
Did you do it?
Did you use the condoms?
You know, I'd rather not say right now,
No! Tell us now! Give us a little details,
a little gooey, gory details,
You know, I was, uh...
We had fun, We had a good time,
(exhales)
I like this, He's all, like, suave now,
holding back information,
He's got his mojo back, Look at him,
Wilson, the lady-killer,
# Follow the Moskva
# Down to Dorky Park
# Listening to the winds
# Of change
# Future's in the air
# Blowing everywhere
(Jacob and Min) # Blowing in the winds
(all) # Of change
# Take me
# To the legends of tomorrow
# On a Ionely night
# The mulatto lovers...
(all sing different lyrics)
# In the winds of change #
- (Wilson) Who wants breakfast?
- (Jacob) # I want breakfast
- (Min) I want French toast,
- # She wants French toast...
- (Wilson) OK, so, Vegas, huh?
- (Jacob) Vegas it is, in a month,
- (Min) I want to stay at the best hotel,
- (Jacob) The best ho... The Best Western,
- You got it,
- (Min laughs)
(Jacob) Come on, just tell me something,
# Did you do it? Did you do it? #
(# "Wind of Change" by Klaus Meine)
(Jacob) This year's gonna be awesome!
This is the best New Year's!
Can't believe you said yes.
(# "Wind of Change"
by Klaus Meine continues)
by Hot Club of Downtown)
(man) The midnight kiss.
It's not just another kiss.
It's all the hope of romance of the year
culminating in just one moment.
And that overhyped kiss,
in which there is so much calling, texting,
IMing, planning, hurrying, drinking
to make happen,
is all set at a moment
when time itself takes center stage,
when you can feel the weight
of the year to come,
mixed with the loneliness and missed
opportunities of the years gone by.
For years,
I used to work at a video store,
and on New Year's, I would always deal
with what I thought were my people -
those broken-hearted souls that hated
the whole pageantry of the night,
the ones who wanted to quietly
and privately wallow in self-pity,
getting drunk on the fictional romance
and heartbreak of others.
That was me -
the lonely, hunkered-down type,
waiting for the night to blow over.
But some times are so low, you can
no longer follow that routine anymore.
(# "Paradise with You"
by Hot Club of Downtown continues)
(grunting)
- Oh, jeez, I'm sorry,
- God! I didn't know you guys were here,
- It's all right, Don't worry about it,
- I thought you guys were at Min's house,
Yeah, we got home early,
- Don't worry about it, It's OK, man,
- I'm really embarrassed,
Don't be, Everybody jerks off,
It's natural,
I had no idea you guys were even here,
We just got home at four, Don't even worry
about it, man, It's, uh, you know...
Hey, what the fuck is this?
No, i-i-it's...
Oh, fuck!
- It's that Min?
- No, it's nothing!
I'll explain that in a second,
Just don't go in there,
- It looks just like her,
- No, it's not Min,
- Well, what is this?
- I'll explain in a second,
Hey, Min, get in here,
I need to ask you a question,
- No, no! Come on! Jacob...
- What is that? Is that you?
(Wilson) God! No, Jacob!
Come on, man!
- Is that you?
- No,
What do you mean? That's definitely you!
That's not you?
- No, that...
- Are you sure that's not you?
(Min) No, it's not,
- (Jacob) Positive?
- (Min) It's not me!
Just give it to me straight,
If that's you... It doesn't matter,
(arguing)
(# "Paradise with You"
by Hot Club of Downtown continues)
I'm a worthless piece of shit
that should just die and not be buried,
I can't even get a job in this town,
- You just need to get laid,
- I'm trying!
Hitting on the girl at the grocery store when
you buy your tub of Chunky Monkey?
You don't see it, You're not around,
I put myself out there,
All you've done is sit around, eat ice cream
and fucking smoke bong after bong,
You haven't even looked for work, man,
If you just wanna sit there and stare
out the window and smoke your cigarettes,
jack off to pictures of my girlfriend
on New Year's, be my guest,
Jacob, leave him alone,
I thought it was sweet,
Oh, God,
You thought it was sweet
that he jacked off to pictures of you?
- I thought it was really flattering,
- You are the cutest thing in the world,
Oh, my God!
- Ohh, God, What is this?
- (giggles)
- We can give him some more material,
- Stop kissing me,
I'm gonna go check my email,
- Dude, quit!
- OK,
(man) Well, it's just the whole world
that I find depressing right now,
Just the wars and the lies
and Columbine and George Bush...
(Jacob) Columbine was ten years ago!
(man) I'm just saying,
there's so much hatred and violence,
(Jacob) If you really wanna meet
somebody pretty and cool, you can do that,
All you gotta do, my friend,
is put an ad up on the Craigslist,
I don't know, The whole online dating thing
is a little too pathetic for me,
(Jacob) It's not pathetic,
Everybody does it,
I have a MySpace page, Facebook,
Min does, too,
- That's different than Craigslist,
- You don't have time to do MySpace,
Craigslist is the only way,
Just look at it as research into the world,
You haven't written anything since
you've been here, Here, check this out,
Look at all these Ionely people,
All these women are online,
Honestly, if you try to go to a bar right now,
nobody's even gonna talk to you,
You have to say, "Hey, yeah, I'll send you
a message" in order for them to trust you,
If you don't do that,
it's just gonna be weird and creepy,
Hey, Min, don't you think he should do it?
Yeah, absolutely,
He should do it before it's too late,
(Jacob) Just type it,
Just write the damn thing,
This is humiliating,
(man) "Misanthrope seeks misanthrope.
"If you respond to this, you're not
the kind of woman I'd go out with.
"I guess I'm lonely, it's New Year's and I'm
willing to embarrass myself with this ad.
"My girlfriends over the years
have been intelligent and beautiful.
"In the end, they've all broken my heart.
"My friend says I have to have a photo,
so here it is, Wilson,"
Oh, yeah, that's good,
Very clever,
Sounds really good, OK,
All we have to do now is put up a photo
and put your number in,
Put our home phone number, I don't want
my cell phone ringing off the hook,
I can't believe we're inviting
total insanity into our house,
You're not gonna find it
sitting around the apartment,
We're gonna get robbed,
I'm gonna get raped,
All right, look,
It's all up on the world wide web now,
Now it's time to see
if you're really hot or not,
Your phone will ring off the hook, You'll
have 14-year-olds and grandmas calling,
Better be excited about this one,
(woman) No way
I could have understood their pain.
And when I see that, you know,
I just wanna do something.
- Totally, (coughs)
- Are you smoking pot?
(coughs)
Yes,
While you're talking to your mother
on the phone?
Mom, you're just kind of talking
and talking,
- I just figured...
- That's terrible.
Oh, hey, Mom,
thank you so much,
I got the package,
It came yesterday,
- Are you sure this is what you want?
- Yes, Absolutely, I love her,
God, you two are so lucky
to have each other, I mean...
I just miss that sort of comfort
and connection,
Karen and I worked
at the same restaurant,
and we'd leave early
and go to the McDonald's drive-through,
and we'd just sit there, eating and just
sitting there, sharing that moment.
You know, just being there
with one another.
(no audio)
Yeah,
(Wilson) "Karen, I don't know
where to begin.
"It seems like yesterday
we were back in Texas.
"So much has happened over these three
months. Unfortunately, all bad for me.
"LA has been a disaster.
" A day after we broke up,
on my drive out here, I flipped my car.
"The tread on the tire separated,
and I lost control. The photo is attached.
"It was surreal.
There I was, standing in the middle of l- 10
"with everything I own flung across
the freeway, in the middle of Arizona.
"You were on the opposite side of the
world, all my friends were 16 hours east,
"and I was to move to a place
I had loathed my whole life - LA.
" And I arrived there without a car.
The script we all thought would sell
"has been delayed after my laptop
was stolen during a walk with my sister.
"Someone biked by
and took my computer
"I stupidly left it in my nephew 's stroller
a few feet away. "
(boy laughs) That's funny, right?
"Since then, I've been in a total daze
and bordering on suicide.
"I probably would have done it
if the bathtub here wasn't so filthy.
"I don't know what I'm doing here in LA.
"I miss you more than
I could possibly imagine.
"Just hearing your voice
would melt all my anxiety,
"as I would know that there's someone out
there that still cares whether I live or die.
"Karen, hope you're feeling well.
"Happy New Year.
Looks like my script's gonna sell.
"Finally I can pay off all my debts!
Now who knows what is next.
"I'd love to hear your voice sometime.
Warm thoughts... Wilson. "
(# "Mermaid" by Will Sheff)
(woman) What happened
with that woman?
- She died,
- Oh, gosh,
She absolutely died, You know why?
Because she was very old,
I didn't see her on Willard,
What is she, in her 80s?
(woman #2) But apart from that,
she was a bitch, She was a bitch,
Between the running of the water
and the showers, the bath,
I'm sorry, but it was just insane with her,
They must have buried a prune,
- That's kind of harsh,
- Well, hey, It's the New Year's,
- Out with the old, in with the new,
- Oh,
(woman #2) Happy New Year,
What are you doing for New Year's?
- Anything interesting?
- (phone ringing)
Oh, shit, It's on now, man,
(phone continues to ring)
(music over the phone)
Hello?
# Happy, happy birthday today
Who is it?
# Any day, baby boy
# Baby boy, baby boom-boom-boom
Hey, Mom, How's it going?
God, you sound like you're at a party,
- I am! Oh, hi!
- Hey,
How are you?
I love Florida! God!
I have so many friends,
I never had so many friends,
Glad you're having a good time,
Wilson, I have something very serious
to discuss with you,
(sighs) What?
Promise you can't joke or laugh about it,
This is gonna be hard enough as it is,
Mom, I'm not gonna judge you,
- You promise?
- I promise! Mom, what?
I'm getting a breast enhancement, (laughs)
- At a discount!
- What? Why?
Wilson, you said
you wouldn't be judgmental,
I'm not judging you, You're a nice woman,
settling into her old age,
- You don't need a boob job.
- # La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la
# I'm not listening
La-la, la-la
- # I'm doing it anyway, la-la, la-la #
- (phone beeps)
Hang on, I got another call,
Hello?
Hello?
Are you the misanthrope?
Um...
Uh...
Y-yes, Are you the misanthropee?
Um, I don't know, I had to look it up,
You know, it sounds pretty intense,
I guess I'll give you a shot, I'm not wasting
my New Year's on somebody I don't like,
Within five minutes, I'll know if I like you
or not, Where do you wanna meet?
Whoa, That seems like a lot of pressure,
I don't know if I can handle that,
Yeah? Well, life's full of pressure,
you know?
- So, is La Poubelle OK with you?
- Um, yeah, it's...
- Then I'll see you there at about 4 o'clock,
- Wait,
I don't even know what you look like,
You've seen a picture of me,
Well...
I'm 300 pounds, I'm into bondage
and I like Hello Kitty,
God, I'm kidding! What can you not
find out in five minutes of meeting me?
No offense, but I'm meeting
three other guys before you,
I'm gonna figure out
which one I like best, OK?
I mean, listen, I'm not gonna waste
my New Year's Eve on some total fuckup,
Are you gonna meet me there at 4 o'clock?
- OK,
- OK, great,
Wait, wait, What will you be wearing?
What? Is this some kind of
fucking sex thing?
No, no, no!
I'm gonna be sitting there,
all nervous and looking at every girl
that comes in, and it's embarrassing,
Too bad, That's your fucking life right now,
I can't help you, So I'll see you at four?
Will I see you at four?
- OK,
- OK. Bye.
(phone beeps)
- Hey, Mom, Sorry about that,
- Who was that?
It was, uh... just a friend,
- A girl?
- Yeah, actually, it was,
What's her name?
What does she do?
It's not at that point,
Just let it be, OK?
Honey, you're hedging on 30,
I think you'd be in a serious relationship,
Mom, Mom! Jeez, come on,
OK, Just drop it, please,
Oh, OK,
You sound good, honey,
You really do,
I mean, I thought maybe when Karen
dumped you, I'd be worried about you,
- But you sound good.
- Yeah, I've never been happier,
That's my go-get-'em kid,
You go get 'em, honey,
Happy New Year, baby.
- (Min) I think you look great,
- Really?
You're gonna need a belt, though,
Jacob, can you grab some belts?
Got the belts, La-la-la, Which one?
- This one,
- OK,
- I got it, Let me do this,
- You're looking good,
You look great, I like the whole Freddy
Krueger look, I love that sweater on you,
- I feel like a rodeo clown,
- You're not a rodeo clown,
Bui, get in here, Help me with this guy,
What do you think of his outfit?
Oh, man, Yeah, you look New York,
I don't like wearing clothes that I look
back in ten years and I feel humiliated,
That's not this outfit,
That's nice,
That's like a classic,
That's timeless,
- (Jacob) Clothes make the man,
- I feel good,
- I mean, the belt's not working,
- Do you have another belt?
I used to wear this belt, You just loop
through, come down, buckle my shoe,
- Right there, Yeah!
- (Jacob) Looks good, You're feeling it,
- So this is the outfit, then?
- Yeah,
- All right, good, You're dressed,
- I would totally fuck you,
I would fuck you, too,
Why don't we do an orgy?
She'd fuck you, I'd fuck you,
Would you fuck him?
OK, yeah, Yeah, I mean...
See? You're looking good,
This is the heartbreaker outfit,
- You'll break hearts in this,
- I'm feeling Mr, Heartbreaker,
Now we're talking, There you go,
All right? High-five?
- High-five,
- High-five? Everybody, high-five,
I'm feeling confident, Looking good,
Sorry about that, man, I just don't feel
confident wearing those clothes,
It's all right, You gotta wear what you like,
That's how it works,
Thanks for letting me borrow your car,
I'll fill it up with gas,
It's not a problem,
Wanna borrow some money?
You can buy her flowers,
I don't need to borrow your money,
We bathed together when we were ten,
You can borrow anything,
Whoa, We weren't ten,
We were, like, two,
Hey, don't eat her out,
- What? What are you talking about?
- We're not in Texas anymore,
This is LA, Girls are dirty here,
Just don't eat her out, and wear a condom,
- I'm not even thinking about that right now,
- Look...
I don't wanna get some disease because
I used the same bar of soap as you,
- Just don't do it,
- Well, I don't have any condoms, so...
- I got you covered, I brought some for you,
- Whoa! Jeez, I don't need five,
Actually, I don't need any, I don't like
having 'em on me, It's too predetermined,
(Jacob) It's reality,
It's not predetermined,
(Wilson) Look, look, If it gets to that point,
I can just run out and get some,
(Jacob) Jesus Christ!
You're acting like you're in seventh grade!
We fuck, we suck, We're animals,
We're apes,
We stick fucking pieces of plastic in us
so we can come!
We fucking stick each other's dicks
in each other's asses!
Fucking, you don't get upset when they
leave toilet paper next to the toilet seat
because they assume
you have to wipe your ass, do you?
Well, do you or not, man?
Shit, no, you don't, man,
Girls aren't gonna carry those things,
Girls don't do that,
They feel guilty,
They feel like sluts if they carry
these things around, So just take 'em,
I'll take two,
Take three, Sometimes you get tired,
and you're gonna need to slip one on,
That's an extra large, I don't know
your size, but it might come in handy,
- I haven't seen a condom in six years,
- Get used to it, man,
These ladies out there, they are insane,
They are trying to hook a man,
We are getting older,
They'll poke holes in condoms,
I'm serious,
Especially the Asian ones, man,
They will fucking poke holes in condoms
so they get knocked up,
'cause then they get citizenship,
And yellow fever, wear the life jacket,
That's it,
Your nut sack is filled with green cards,
all right?
So just be safe
and, you know, bring your own,
I don't know if she's good-Iooking, She said
she was 300 pounds and into bondage,
All right, man, here, Just take all five,
This is fucking hilarious,
You gotta promise me you're gonna
come to the party, It's important,
I'll try,
I don't know what's gonna happen in here,
I may be tied to the dominatrix's bedpost,
Fuck, There's something
very, very special that I'm gonna do,
and it would mean a lot to me
if you were gonna be there,
What? What are you talking about?
Don't say anything, but...
I'm gonna propose to Min,
- You're serious?
- Yeah,
I love her, and I just figure,
you know, why not get married?
- Do you have a ring?
- Yeah, Yeah,
My mom just sent it yesterday,
It just came yesterday,
Look at that,
That's the ring of doom,
My father gave that
to every one of his five wives,
and every one of them ended in divorce,
My mom's the only one that kept it,
That ring has so much fucking hatred
and just anger
and aggression and fucking frustration
and just divorce all tied into that,
But you know what? I don't care,
My love for Min is so strong
that I'm gonna beat the Mclntyre curse,
That right there is gonna become
the ring of love,
Man, I'm so happy for you,
I was gonna do it this morning, but your
little jack-off stunt kind of killed the mood,
You just made the whole thing
that much more memorable,
Great, Now you'll tell that story every time
somebody asks you how you proposed,
Yeah, but, man, that's why I love you,
I love you for that,
All right, man,
- Good luck, I'm really happy for you,
- Thank you,
- Good luck,
- And you,
- I'll see you tonight,
- Alrighty,
Hey, I'm just meeting someone here,
- Sure, Two?
- Two, yeah,
- Anywhere you'd like,
- Can I get a double espresso?
No problem,
Wilson,
Hey,
You're not bad,
You should've seen the last guy,
Said he was an acupuncturist, Wanted to
take me to his house and stick pins in me,
I fucking hate men!
I think they're gonna end up being
so simple, and they're just fucking apes,
Yeah,
So, uh, how old are you?
- What?
- How old are you?
Don't you think
that's a fucking rude question?
No! I mean, obviously,
you're extremely attractive,
- Come here,
- What?
Come on, Come here, come here,
Actually, to tell you the truth, I'm 17,
But don't freak out,
I'm gonna be 18 in 11 months,
You probably wanna have sex,
but you can still come over,
My mom's room is way down the hall,
My dad goes hunting every weekend,
But to tell you the truth, Wilson,
I don't know if I can wait,
My pussy is so wet right now,
it's gonna be too hard,
- Oh, my God,
- What?
You're thinking about statutory rape now,
You're a mental statutory rapist,
That's fucking great, I'm 27,
Oh,
You really thought I was 17?
No, I mean, I'm glad that you're not,
- Why? So now you can fuck me?
- What? No!
Just get a life, OK?
This isn't a get-laid-for-free night, OK?
Dammit, I think we should pray,
- Are you serious?
- You have a problem with that?
- Well, actually, I...
- Shh! Close your eyes,
Dear God, wherever you are,
please help us find whatever it is
we're looking for tonight,
And let Wilson know
that he's not gonna get in my pants,
I don't want him to be too heartbroken,
In God's name, amen,
- Amen,
- Wow,
That felt really good,
I haven't prayed in a long time,
- So, are you, like, really religious?
- Mm-mm,
I said that so you wouldn't wanna have
sex with me, Religious guys are so hyper,
Well, maybe God
is watching over us tonight,
So we can find what we're looking for?
What are you looking for?
The love of my life,
On Craigslist?
No, Forget it,
I can't even stand any more relationships,
I have one more interview after you,
and actually, I think the guy is here,
So, if you don't mind,
I'm gonna talk to him,
- Are you serious?
- Sit over there,
- Don't you think...
- Just go fucking sit!
- Hi, You must be Stevie,
- Yes, I am, Thanks for meeting me,
Wow, You're really good-Iooking,
I have to say,
- Thank you, That's very flattering,
- Mm-hm,
So, tell me, what do you do?
What's your occupation?
I own a termite company,
I used to have a restaurant,
but the termite company's really good,
- It's the main thing I do,
- Wow, You seem like a nice guy,
Why are you posting ads on Craigslist?
Isn't that pathetic?
- It's not something I normally do,
- Come on, Stevie, Everybody says that,
I mean, uh...
I'm divorced, I'm Ionely,
You know, I...
It's hard to meet single women, It's...
You know, all my friends are married,
and I have two kids,
- Does that freak you out at all?
- Mm-mm,
- I'm just trying to meet somebody,
- Right, Kids, Two of them,
Yeah,
- Boy, girl? Boy, boy? Girl, girl?
- Oh, boy, girl,
Jack, he's five, and Melissa, she's three,
And they're just beautiful kids,
Well, um...
You seem like a really nice guy, Stevie,
but to tell you the truth,
I just don't think it's gonna work out,
I just drove down here from Irvine,
I mean, for 60 seconds?
It was an hour-and-a-half drive,
We could go out, We could have
a really good time, We could get along,
You know, it'll be fun,
I'm a really fun guy,
It's just not gonna work out tonight,
It was really, really nice meeting you,
Oh, my God,
- Oh, and have a happy New Year,
- Yeah, happy New Year,
Let's go,
Don't you think you were a little harsh?
No, When you have 11 siblings, you know
how to go out there and get what you want,
- That's what will give me my edge here,
- What do you mean, your edge?
Well, I'm an actress,
and out here, it's a dime a dozen,
and I just don't think people out here have
the raw ambition that I do, I don't know,
You're a real All About Eve, huh?
I don't know who Eve is,
but yeah, I guess so,
Well, where, uh...
where are we going?
- I don't know, I was following you,
- Well, I was following you,
I'm not getting in a car with you,
OK, We could take the subway,
Yeah, yeah, That sounds good,
Public place, there are people around,
You can't rape me, That's great,
You're a real trusting soul,
I'm giving you until sunset,
Then I'll figure out if I like you or not,
If not, I'm gonna go out
with somebody else,
- You're kidding,
- No, I don't have time to fuck around,
So far, you seem like a really nice guy,
but I'm not gonna be standing there
at midnight,
next to a bunch of people kissing all over
each other, next to some fucking dud!
- So, you ever been down to the MOCA?
- What's that?
- It's the Museum of Contemporary Art,
- No,
- Guess you've never heard of it,
- I hate museums,
- Fuck you, As if I'm gonna pick up,
- (# cell phone rings)
I mean, seriously, what is wrong with men?
What the fuck is wrong with you guys?
Um... I don't know,
Hey, this is Vivian. Leave a message,
and I'll call you back. Thanks.
(man) Viv... it's been five days,
and I'm just driving around, looking
for you. I don't know what else to do.
If you got all these messages
and you're ignoring me and you wanna
move on with your life, that's fine.
I understand. But...
(man sighs)
I cannot let that happen.
Call me, honey. I love you.
- You shouldn't smoke here,
- Why not?
For starters, it's not allowed,
And second of all, I hate litter,
- Aren't you a goody-two-shoes!
- No, I just don't like litter,
- You're a real wild man,
- Listen, I have my moments,
It's the quiet guys we have to look out for,
They tend to be the freakiest,
And you're not freaky? I almost walked out
when you said that shit to that guy,
Oh, my God, That is pathetic,
You're too soft,
He probably went home
and slit his wrists,
Fine by me,
Survival of the fittest,
If you can't take the heat,
get out of the kitchen,
Jeez!
It's that random act of unkindness from
some stranger that's the coup de grce,
and then all of a sudden, boom - you're
bleeding to death on the bathroom floor,
That's an excuse, If you're at that point,
you might as well do it -
you're gonna rot in hell anyway,
We're gonna miss the train,
You should think about therapy,
Your Catholic upbringing has given you
a sensitive edge,
(Vivian) That's right, Catholic schoolgirl,
I got my uniform in my purse,
You want me to take it out?
I know you're into
that whole pedophilia shit,
Have your read that book, City of Quartz?
No, Books suck,
Hey, we should go down to the Standard,
Yeah,
- What's that?
- It's this hotel downtown,
They have this cool bar on the roof, I read
about it, Lindsay Lohan eats lunch there,
Oh, So she's eating again,
- Yeah, but I don't know where it's at, so...
- Well, I'm sure we could find it,
- Really?
- Yeah, I mean, if you wanna go,
Yeah, That'd be cool,
I just never get to do stuff like that
because my boyfriend's such an asshole,
he never wants to go out,
Yeah, well, I love doing stuff like that,
(musical interlude)
(Vivian squeals)
(Vivian) Wow, The Los Angeles
Stock Exchange, (chuckles)
(Wilson) "Founded on integrity,"
Well, that's destined for failure,
Can you imagine if this happened
to the New York Stock Exchange?
Like, all the banks picked up and left
and someone closed down the Stock
Exchange and put a chain on the door?
These things happen, You look at our
country and you think it could never fail,
but you look at something like that
and it makes you wonder,
It's like everything good in life
eventually tragically fails,
- (Vivian) No, You're just cynical,
- I am not,
(Vivian) You are, What goes around,
comes around, You have no hope,
- (Wilson) It's not about hope,
- It is,
If King Tut was a CEO today, he would
have never pulled off the pyramids,
- King Tut? We're talking about King Tut?
- They would have called him...
Go ahead, I'm sorry,
They'd have called him negligent
for not wanting a normal mausoleum,
Those were built by hand back then,
(Vivian) There are still things
made by hand,
I mean, actually,
I make my own jewelry, See?
(Wilson) That's not bad,
(# "The Kind" by Shearwater)
It would be really, really cool to go inside
one of them, see what they look like,
- Inside one of the theaters?
- Yeah,
You want to?
- Really?
- Yeah,
Uh...
- Stay here,
- Where are you going?
You promised me, Six o'clock,
Hey, there, How are you?
Hey, I was wondering if we could come in
there and just take a look at the theater,
- What did you say to the security guard?
- I told her she could sleep with you,
- (Vivian, laughing) What?
- What? You're OK with that, right?
- No, not really,
- So maybe?
(Vivian) Oh, God, Well, at least we got in,
- (Wilson) At least we got in,
- (both) Oh, my God,
- (Vivian) This is so amazing,
- Wow, Look at the ceiling,
(Vivian) Oh, my God,
This is incredible!
Oh, my God!
And it's huge... huge...
huge... huge... huge,
(Vivian) Can you imagine
what this looked like when it opened?
(Wilson) I know,
(Vivian) Look at the ceiling,
Ohh, it's beautiful,
God, I can't believe this theater
is just sitting here,
(Wilson) Theater is dead in LA,
Do you know I've been onstage
every year of my life since I was 12?
- Really?
- That's why I came to LA, to be an actor,
My friends threw me
the most amazing going-away party,
I got so fucking wasted,
I couldn't even pack the U-Haul, Yeah,
And so I get here, and I waste all my
fucking time with my stupid hick boyfriend,
Yeah, well, welcome to LA,
Embrace the pain,
Wilson, look at this place,
Look at this theater,
this empty theater, just sitting here,
So many all over town,
I can't believe it,
And think about this:
all these out-of-work actors and writers
and all these amazing theaters,
just sitting here,
- Write something, We can do it right here,
- It's not that easy,
Write me a character,
something really good that I can do,
You know, something sexy and edgy and...
Something where I get to use a knife,
I've only really written comedy,
You write comedy?
You're the least funny person I've ever met,
- Well, I've had a rough year,
- OK, get over it,
You know, time is a-ticking away,
You are getting old,
Think of anything,
and we can do it right here,
- I don't know, l-l-I'm a prostitute...
- I like it,
...who has AIDS and I'm dying of cancer,
- Nothing funnier than AIDS and cancer,
- OK, OK, OK, So...
I'm... a real-estate agent,
OK,
Who is showing the theater
to a young, decent-Iooking guy,
He's a little bit annoying,
but he has potential,
- Thank you,
- He decides to buy this theater,
and fix it up
and bring the theater back to LA,
And during all this, all this connection,
we fall in love, then we go broke, The end,
That sounds hilarious,
You're bitter now,
You can do it,
OK, Um...
Interior, Theater, Day,
Um, she's showing him the theater
for the first time, and they're alone,
And then what happens?
She's hungry
and wants to get something to eat,
- And he should be starved,
- She needs a cigarette,
My boyfriend - well, hold on,
I should say my ex-boyfriend -
God, he has the worst accent,
I mean, he's a total redneck,
Ahh, I can't believe
I was with him for three years,
Well, I think LA is where love comes to die,
I haven't met one couple that's moved
out here that's actually made it, Sorry,
No, it's...
It's New Year's, so let's drop the subject,
We're supposed to have fun,
Fun, A study was done that found
that people were significantly less happy
when asked if they were
having a good time,
It's like, the second someone asks,
"You having a good time?"
- you're having a bad time,
- (laughs) Totally,
It's like being asked to smile for the
camera, When somebody says, "Smile!"
- Yeah!
- You look so stupid,
Yes!
You ever seen a picture of yourself where
you're laughing and you say, "I'm happy"?
Oh, yeah, Yeah,
I mean, yeah,
Kind of like this,
Whoa!
- Kind of,
- Well, wait, Really look,
- (giggles) No?
- No,
- Am I happy?
- No,
There you go,
See? You can't fake it,
You're right, You got me,
Oh, my God,
- It's a boot,
- I know,
I've been taking pictures of lost shoes
for about three years now,
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, I have a website,
TheLostShoeProject, com,
TheLostShoeProject, com,
Yeah, I've been noticing women's shoes,
high heels with the heel broken off,
or baby shoes and work boots and...
and there's always just one shoe,
I mean, that just fascinates me,
How can anybody just lose one shoe?
(Wilson) That's really cool,
Thanks,
I mean, it's... you know,
it's really interesting,
So, let's find food,
I've never even been here before,
- Do you miss Texas?
- No, no,
I fucking love LA,
Have you been auditioning much?
No, but this year,
I'm gonna take it more seriously,
I need new headshots and to stop wasting
my time with my loser ex-boyfriend,
- What about you?
- Austin?
I think a lot of people move back home
because they miss it,
but they're just trying
to go backwards in time,
I totally agree, I'd be so depressed
if I had to go back right now,
- Tell me about it,
- (# cell phone rings)
(turns off ringer)
- Who was that?
- Oh, it was just Jack,
Jack's the...?
The ex,
- The hick,
- He sure is calling a lot,
Hey, this is Vivian. Leave a message,
and I'll call you back. Thanks.
Vivian, this is Mom.
I was just calling to wish you
a happy New Year. Hope everything's OK.
Jack called and said that he had not seen
you or heard from you in a couple of days.
He said you were missing,
whatever that means.
I know that Jack can be a little... out there.
So I'm a little concerned.
So give me a call as soon as
you get this message. I love you.
So, uh, how long have
you guys been broken up?
Last week,
Ohh,
"Ohh"?
"Ohh" what?
- I'm not thinking anything,
- Wait,
You said "ohh"
as if you knew something I didn't,
OK, I was just thinking this is, um...
you know,
- I don't know, What?
- Come on, you know,
- I don't, What?
- Come on, don't make me say it,
Say it, What?
OK, this is, um...
revenge sex,
- Revenge sex?
- Yeah,
(laughing) Oh, my God!
You were jealous, you wanna
make him hurt, You can use me,
No, no, This is not revenge sex,
because we are not gonna have sex,
And I don't give a shit what he does,
He can go fuck himself for all I care,
Ha! Yeah, right,
- What makes you so fucking smug?
- 'Cause you're kidding yourself,
- I am not!
- Revenge sex is very much a part of it,
I'm leaving,
OK, before you go, then,
just answer me this one question,
Did you or did you not trim your pubic hair
before we met?
- I am not answering that,
- Did you?
- That's none of your business,
- You're afraid of the answer,
- No! Because it's none of your business,
- Did you or didn't you prep before we met?
I happen to trim regularly
because I like to keep well groomed,
You didn't have to trim this morning,
But you did,
because you thought me or someone
like me would see your vagina tonight,
Actions speak louder than words,
- I hate to break the news to you...
- Break it to me,
...but you'll never know the answer,
because you will not be seeing my vagina,
- Whoa!
- What?
- Easy, The night is still young,
- Oh, my God! Keep dreaming,
How's that cigarette nicotine
with that dairy?
- Get the fuck outta here!
- (laughs)
This is so beautiful out here,
Don't you think it's kind of special that
we were sitting on this spot 364 days ago?
- We were?
- Yep,
Yeah, Remember we went to the party
where I got super hammered,
put on a diaper and started chasing
everybody around like a madman?
And I lost my shoe somehow?
So you took me to the store
and you bought me the sandals.
You saved my life.
And rather than going home, we went to
the beach and watched the sun come up.
(# "Sky Pilot" by Paleo)
That was this spot, 364 days ago,
Incredible, huh?
I'm really cold,
- Hey, I have a surprise for you,
- Yeah? Really?
- Yeah,
- Where?
- Follow me,
- OK,
(Jacob) You know...
I think you're so amazing,
And I know I'm stupid and I'm stubborn,
and I just fight and all that shit, but...
I'm never happier than when I'm with you,
I think you're great, too,
Thank you,
You know, I think I may be
going to London in March,
Neptune's got me some gigs there,
which would be perfect,
He says he's gonna pay for my trip,
and, um...
Yeah, I've always wanted to go to London,
so it'd be, like, a perfect thing,
Don't you think that's great?
(Vivian) Hey,
- Let's go skinny-dipping,
- OK,
- Pervert,
- Guilty,
- I like public nudity, It's kinda sexy,
- Oh, do you, now?
Yeah,
- Come on, let's play truth or dare,
- What are you, 12?
No! Truth or dare,
Listen, when you get to be a certain age,
you stop playing games like truth or dare,
- Wait, wait, stop, stop,
- What?
Look, You got a ladybug in your hair,
Wait, wait! It's good luck,
So, make a wish
and then, you know, blow,
Wait, wait, wait, Wait,
What is your wish?
Well, if I tell you,
then it's not gonna come true,
No, You have to say it out loud
so it will come true,
OK,
I wish that you wouldn't leave
at six o'clock,
(blows)
Hope I didn't kill it with that thrust,
Well, I guess we'll know at six o'clock,
Hey, this is Vivian. Leave a message,
and I'll call you back. Thanks.
(Jack) It's only about an hour
till the new year,
and I can't make it to the next year
unless I hear from you.
I can't.
What am I supposed to do?
Pop champagne while you're
in the bottom of a ditch somewhere?
I don't wanna get a call from the police.
I wanna hear from you. OK?
I love you. Bye.
(# "Wedding Bells Are Breaking"
by Shearwater)
(Vivian) There's this guy
who did this art project,
He took postcards and he dropped 'em off
all in public places all over the city,
like on subways,
in bathrooms, on buses,
And he basically invited people to write
an anonymous confession on the postcard,
something they had never told anybody,
- and then drop it off in the mail,
- OK,
He asked them to kind of be creative
with the postcard,
use it almost like a canvas or something,
(Wilson) Mm-hm,
(Vivian) Well, within a year, the guy had
collected over 10,000 confessions,
and all were just completely amazing,
- What kind of confessions?
- All kinds, I mean, some totally hilarious,
Some really sad,
Like, there was this one that said:
"I wish my mom loved me for who I was
and not who I hadn't become,"
- God, that's horrible,
- I know,
And there was this really fucked-up one,
This babysitter said
that she had come across
some of the owners' condoms
and poked holes in them to ensure
that she had work for years to come,
Isn't that crazy?
God, that's horrible,
I gotta get a copy of this book,
If I ever see you again, can I borrow it?
If I ever see you again,
Yeah, sure,
So these people
just wrote these things in themselves?
I mean, no catch or nothing?
Yeah,
I mean, I think just saying whatever
to somebody
and not have them totally freak out
or completely write you off
as a human being is...
it's comforting,
- (Wilson) You wanna go up there?
- Sure,
Look at those people kissing,
(Wilson) God, I love it down here,
Look - "Metropolitan Water District,"
- "Established in 1917,"
- (Vivian) Very good, very good,
(Wilson) Wells Fargo,
That's where I do all my banking,
So, why don't you tell me a confession
that you've never told anyone before?
Um, I don't know,
I don't think that's a good idea,
Come on, You said how much you liked
that art project, how healing it was,
and, you know, how it made everybody
feel good after they confessed,
Why don't you just, you know...
throw out a confession for me?
I don't know, I don't want you to judge me,
Not that I have anything to hide,
I won't judge you,
OK, if you do it, I'll do it,
OK, I'll do it on one condition,
OK,
You have to kiss me,
- What do I get out of it?
- A chance to kiss me,
- I think I'll pass,
- Then I'm not confessing anything,
OK, fine,
And it has to be a real kiss,
like an adult kiss, like with tongue,
Deal,
- Deal,
- Deal,
OK, This is really embarrassing,
Um...
I don't know if this is a good idea,
Come on, tell me,
All right,
This morning, I was in my apartment,
and I was really Ionely
and I was horny, and...
I don't know,
This isn't a good idea,
- What is it? Just tell me,
- All right,
I Photoshopped a picture of my friend's
girlfriend, and I was using it to masturbate,
- What?
- (laughs)
I know,
It's totally something I would never do,
I mean, it was totally humiliating, too,
'cause they walked in on me,
- I cannot believe you did that,
- Me neither, I feel gross,
- That is so sick,
- I know,
It's something I would never confess,
- You know what? You shouldn't have,
- Well, now you have to kiss me,
I'm not kissing you!
Hey, Hey!
- Where are you going?
- I wanna go home,
- Why? 'Cause I was masturbating?
- Yeah, well, I'm a little disturbed,
Well, grow up,
'cause everybody masturbates,
Not to their friend's girlfriend's photo!
Yeah, well, it has to be real,
or I can't get off,
Oh, my God, You are sick,
Yeah, well, you know, who isn't!
I bet your confession is ten times worse,
- You're wrong,
- What do you masturbate to?
- That is none of your business!
- But you do masturbate,
You know what? This date is over,
I told you, at sunset, It is so over!
Don't you think you're overreacting? I don't
understand what you're so mad about,
Listen, I was just being brutally honest
with you, OK?
I thought that's what you wanted,
Let me ask you something,
Do you have condoms on you right now?
- N-No!
- You are such a liar!
- You're a liar!
- Let me search you,
No way! You didn't hold up
your end of the bargain,
OK,
You're right, I'm sorry,
- Oh, my God, You are such a liar,
- Oh, dammit, Listen, I can explain!
You brought five condoms? What did you
think? We were gonna fuck all night?
No, listen, These aren't mine,
My... Dammit!
My buddy Jacob told me to take 'em,
and he doesn't know anything,
You thought we were gonna have sex
on date number one,
No! I didn't, Can I just explain? Will you
just stop for two seconds and let me talk?
Stop!
I've never had a one-night stand in my life,
This is my first date in six years!
I brought these
so you didn't have to feel like a slut,
- What?!
- No! I mean...
Just listen, I brought 'em so that,
if the moment presented itself,
I wouldn't have to run out and get some,
You don't get offended that there's toilet
paper when you have to take a shit,
What the fuck are you talking about?!
You're just overreacting!
Listen,
Would you please stop?
Come on, You'd think it'd be
more insensitive if I didn't bring 'em,
as if I don't care that you get a disease
or, you know, get pregnant,
Fuck you and all men like you,
(# "Lines" by Will Sheff)
I can't fucking believe you, bitch,
Vivian,
Please, will you...
Look, I'm sorry,
All right? Just don't go home,
Will you please just stop?
Listen, I spent the last three months
in my room, being depressed,
and it's New Year's Eve,
and I just... I don't wanna be left alone,
So just stick around with me till midnight,
You can go home at midnight,
you can do whatever you want,
Every year, on New Year's Eve, I'm gonna
think I just sent this girl home in tears,
I'm gonna wonder what happened to you,
Just... let me take you out to dinner,
I wanna do something nice for you,
- You don't have to do that,
- Honestly, let me take you out,
I have 100 dollars in my bank account,
I'm gonna pulse it out,
I'm gonna take you wherever you
wanna go, Any restaurant in this town,
I mean, as long as it's not more than
Come on,
It would make me feel like a man,
Well, there is this Italian restaurant
I've always wanted to go to,
- I love Italian,
- You do?
- I love it,
- OK,
You want to go there?
Come on,
This is perfect,
My roommate dropped off his car for me
on Hollywood and Cahuenga,
(# "The Queen of England"
by The Mendoza Line)
(Wilson) Look, I'm gonna show you,
Here,
(tapping buttons)
Please, please, please,
See, I'll show you, Look,
Just to show you that I'm not lying,
- You don't have to do this,
- Look, $8,
- You don't have to do this,
- No, I want to do this,
I just... wanted to show you,
You sure it's no more than $100, right?
Thank you,
(# "The Queen of England"
by The Mendoza Line continues)
Buonasera. Happy New Year,
- Benvenuti. Welcome to Oliva,
- Thank you,
- Hi, ciao, bella.
- Hi, Oh, thank you,
Table for two?
Wonderful, This way,
You know, my best friend's
proposing tonight,
I don't know if you're into it,
we could go down there,
- Where is it?
- Downtown in the warehouse district,
He's a DJ, so it's like a house-music thing,
Is he proposing to the girl
that you jacked off to this morning?
Yes, as a matter of fact, he is,
But it's OK, because she wasn't offended,
She actually said it was flattering,
- That it was flattering?
- Yeah, she did,
- That you were jacking off to her?
- Yes,
- She liked it?
- She did,
- OK, I have to meet this girl, then,
- Well, you will tonight,
Yeah, that sounds good,
Well, here,
Cheers to a better year,
To a better year,
Isn't this better than going home
and feeling Ionely and awful?
- Yes, it is,
- We can feel Ionely and awful together,
- What a terrible evening,
- Oh, it's the worst,
I'm with a beautiful girl, we just had
a nice dinner, a bottle of wine,
(# cell phone rings)
- Your phone keeps ringing off the hook,
- Sorry,
- I love this song,
- You do?
No, You should really think
about changing your ringtone,
- It's on my "to do" list,
- (# cell phone continues to ring)
All right, either turn that thing off
or answer it,
- No, I can't, I can't, I can't,
- Then why do you have a phone?
I can't answer it
because this is my stupid ex-boyfriend,
Then pick it up and tell him to stop calling,
He's not gonna stop,
- No, you don't even...
- I don't what?
Listen, I left my house five days ago,
I've been staying at a fucking motel,
Everybody's worried, and if I answer it, I'll
have to explain myself, I don't want to now,
I don't want to listen to your phone ring
all night, You're staying in a motel?
I'm having an amazing time
with you right now,
If I pick this up,
he is going to fuck it up so bad,
- He's not gonna fuck up anything,
- He is,
You pour some wine down you,
and it all comes out, You're overreacting,
- Let's get more wine,
- We're not getting more wine,
It's New Year's Eve,
He's not gonna stop calling,
- I know,
- Just pick it up and end it,
I mean, do you want this hanging
over your head for another year?
OK,
- Hello?
- (Jack) Honey.
- Honey, you're all right. Are you OK?
- Yes,
Your mom's called the FBI, your daddy
wants you on the back of a milk carton,
- I've called a private investigator.
- Jack, give me a break, I am fine,
- I thought you were dead or kidnapped.
- Just don't even worry about it,
We're over, it's through,
You have to understand that, It's over,
We'll work this out right now. We made
a vow we'd go out to LA and be stars.
Oh, well, you should have thought of that
before you started fucking that girl,
- We were just hanging out.
- Hanging out, Well, hmm,
Strange, that's not what David told me,
He's a compulsive liar! And he's been
trying to get in your pants since 9th grade!
Oh, god, shut up, Jack,
It doesn't even matter about David because
I saw you, I saw you with my own eyes,
Honey, calm down.
It doesn't even matter anymore,
It doesn't matter, You know why?
Because I am on a date tonight,
- I am on a date with this...
- No, no,
...wonderful, amazing, smart,
attractive, handsome man,
- He thinks I'm beautiful,
- Great, I'm gonna get shot,
- You're with a guy...
- Don't do this,
I like this guy so much that I think I'm
gonna go home and fuck this guy tonight,
Oh, shit,
- And I'm gonna fuck him over and over,
- That's gonna be awesome,
- OK, well, put him on. Put homo fag on.
- He's standing right here,
- Put him on the line.
- I'll put him on the phone,
I want to talk to this son of a bitch -
your imaginary fucking friend!
- No, no, no,
- Hold on one second,
- He doesn't believe me,
- I'm not talking to your ex-boyfriend,
- Please, just say anything,
- What do you want me to say?
- Just take the phone,
- (Jack) Viv!
Put him on the fucking phone. Hello?
Hello?
Who the fuck are you, homo fag?
Listen, man, I'm just a guy,
If you so much as touched her...
anywhere...
I'm gonna come over there
with a shotgun in hand,
and I'm gonna tie the two of youse up
in my fucking house,
pour some gasoline on you,
cut your fucking dick off,
then I'm gonna cook it while I burn
you motherfuckers with marshmallows
and eat a nice late-night dinner,
Then I'm gonna take your fucking carcass
and punch you in the mouth
until you have a mouth full of teeth!
- Hey, listen, man...
- It's not about words now. It's "do"!
I will do to you things.
Not even Freddy Krueger would do this shit
to you, 'cause that is my woman!
She is mine! She is mine!
She is mine!
She is mine! She will always be mine!
And she will never leave!
- And if she does, I will fucking kill you!
- Hey, hey...
- You're already dead,
- Calm down, man,
No, I'm not fucking done, you son of
a bitch! You are fucking dead, man!
You're fucking dead! You're a dead man!
You are a fucking dead motherfucker!
- Good God!
- There is no sense in talking to me.
Your funeral has already occurred,
There is a bullet in your skull
with my name on it in cursive writing,
that says "Fuck you,"
- You can say what you want,
- I don't need to threaten.
It's what I will do to you
and that fucking whore that you're with,
Just listen,
You can say what you want,
Do you understand me?
But it's New Year's Eve...
and your girlfriend,
your beautiful, beautiful girlfriend,
is out with me,
So that's just something
that you're gonna have to deal with,
Hello?
Put Vivian on right now.
He wants to talk to you,
Hello,
Honey, I'm driving over to our place right
now and I'm gonna burn all of your shit,
- Shit,
- What did he say?
He's going to my house to burn all my shit,
- Oh, shit!
- So, I think if we take Fountain,
we'll save a lot of time
because it's too crowded now,
I'm not going to your house,
- Help me save my shit,
- No fucking way I'm going to your house!
- We'll get there before he even shows up,
- Look at me, No, no, no, No way,
I do not have time to argue with you,
He is gonna burn pictures
of my grandmother,
There's so much stuff I have to save,
Please, I am begging you,
I will drive,
That means I'm not getting out of the car,
I will drive, I'm the driver,
(Vivian) OK,
Oh, shit! Get the light,
Go in the living room
and look for his truck, He'll be...
- What color truck does he drive?
- Silver,
I'm gonna get some stuff out of
the bedroom, Help me grab some stuff!
- What am I supposed to grab?
- Get my weed!
- Where's your weed?
- It's in the heater!
- Where's the heater?
- Grab my lamp,
I got it at the garage sale,
I love that lamp!
Do you really need this?
Just grab memorable stuff!
And there's a little picture of me
as a little girl by the window,
- Oh, my God, you're so cute,
- Did you get it?
What else?
How about a picture of your cat?
Yes, yes!
Get my weed! It's in the heater!
I don't know where it is! I'm looking all
around the heater and there's no weed!
Oh, oh, oh!
- What?
- Get my bongo drum!
I have lessons on Tuesdays!
(tires squealing)
- (Wilson) Oh, shit!
- Oh!
All right, he's here, he's here!
Go, go, come on!
(Jack shouts in pain)
(Vivian panting, Wilson laughs)
- Get my bunny!
- Abort!
Oh, God,
I should have aborted the bunny,
Go! Go!
Happy New Year, Jack!
Wait!
You're going too fast!
- Come on,
- (Vivian laughs)
(# "My Good Deed" by Will Sheff)
(Wilson) So... this is I think
where he said it was,
(loud house music thumping indoors)
(cheers and whistles)
(Wilson) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What's up, Jacob?
Oh, you made it, you made it,
Thank you so much for coming,
- I wouldn't miss it for the world,
- Thank you,
Jacob, Vivian,
Vivian, Jacob,
- Hey, how are you?
- Nice to meet you, Happy New Year,
Thanks, I forgot it was New Year's Eve,
We've had such a crazy night,
- Oh, really? Yeah?
- Crazy,
- She fucking hit me,
- No way!
- Yeah, I'll tell you about it...
- She hit you?
I'll tell you about it later,
- Oh, man, you needed to be hit,
- I know, I know, I know,
- Hey, did you guys get drinks yet?
- No,
- Do you want a beer?
- Yeah, that sounds good,
- Oh, thanks,
- Oh, thanks,
Cheers to the best year of our life,
- Cheers,
- Could not be any worse,
Oh, yeah, Hear! Hear!
Hear! Hear!
So, have you done it yet?
- No, I haven't,
- You nervous?
I have butterflies, but, you know,
it kind of feels... it feels good,
I want to do this now,
Let's do this, let's go, I'm ready,
Don't do it yet,
I gotta go to the bathroom, 20 minutes,
It's, like, 30 minutes till midnight,
so we got a little bit of time, OK?
(music thumping)
- Hi, How are you?
- Hey, how's it going? Good to see you,
- You too,
- How you been?
- I've been good,
- Good,
- You look cute,
- Thanks, I dressed myself tonight,
I'm having so much fun
with that girl tonight,
- Really?
- Yeah,
Hey, so Jacob's about to go on,
so I'll see you in there in a minute,
Hey, um...
Real quick, l-l-I...
I have a present for you,
- What is it?
- Come here, I'll tell you,
What?
I'm sorry, l-I...
I thought you were attracted to me,
(Jacob) Can you turn the music down?
Hello, everybody,
Hey, everybody, uh...
(cheers and whistles)
Can you turn the light on, please, for me?
That would be great,
Thank you, Um...
I just want to say...
I want to be the first one to say
"Happy New Year" to all you great people,
(cheers and applause)
Yeah, um...
- Tell me what happened,
- I'll tell you about it in the car,
I wouldn't normally turn off the music
like this,
but there's something important
that I need to do,
(crowd taunting playfully)
Min, Where are you, Min?
Can you come here, please?
(women chanting) Min, Min, Min, Min!
Hi,
This has... this has been the love
of my life for the last two years,
(man) Congratulations,
Um, I've been, uh...
I've been trying to find the right time
to do this all day,
but the moment just never seemed
to come up, so...
- (man) Don't be nervous,
- (laughter)
(crowd shouts and whoops)
(crowd quiets down)
I've loved you more than I've loved
anybody I've ever met in my entire life,
Honestly, the connection
that I have with you, it's amazing,
I've never felt... anything like this before,
OK, before I ask you this question...
I don't want you to answer
until after midnight,
'cause I want to give you, like,
a symbolic year to think it over,
I want you to be my wife till the day I die,
Will you marry me?
- Don't answer,
- (music resumes)
- Don't say yet,
- (crowd cheers and whistles)
No, no, we should wait,
(# "Barbed Wire Blues"
by Johnny Lee Schell)
(Wilson) Why did she have to
put me into that predicament?
- Because she lives at our house,
- Don't even worry about it,
Who cares!
I mean, love is strange,
It's OK,
This is the one couple
that had their shit together,
- Nobody has their shit together,
- They had their shit together,
We are all just hanging on
by a thread, trust me,
You might as well enjoy what you have
until that thread breaks, That's what I say,
(DJ) One minute and 45 seconds to go,
Los Angeles.
How are you gonna spend
the remaining seconds of the year?
Listening to a radio show?
We've got another song,
but we won't get to the end of it
because we're just about out of time.
If you're not where you want to be,
I'd suggest running.
It's t-minus 1-39, 1-38...
Oh, this is great, That's it,
- I guess we're parked,
- People are getting out of their cars,
This is so typical, New Year's Eve
in Los Angeles, and I'm stuck in traffic,
(# song on radio)
I guess it's not too bad,
Sometimes you just got to
give in to the shitstorm,
There is no way of avoiding it,
you know?
You just gotta get that umbrella
and get out there and party,
- That's very well said,
- Thank you,
So come on, it's New Year's Eve,
You got time for some resolutions,
What do you got?
- To be honest, I haven't thought about it,
- What? Well, you better hurry up,
Come on, close your eyes,
Come on,
(DJ) The final grains of sand are slipping
away more quickly as just a few remain.
We are fast approaching
the one-minute mark, starting right...
60 seconds.
(# "A Voice Remembered"
by Kazamir Boyle)
(DJ) Whatever you've wanted to do this
year, you have 25 seconds left to do it,
or come to terms with the fact
that you're not gonna get it done.
We're down to the final 15 seconds. Get
ready for the countdown. Here it comes.
Ten, nine, eight,
seven, six,
five, four, three,
two, one!
(overlapping shouts and cheers)
Happy New Year, Los Angeles!
I love you! I love you to death.
I love you for struggling and for fighting
against all the traffic,
all the obstacles we have before us
just to get together in this city.
Good luck finding love. Those that come
here putting their careers ahead of love,
I hope you find
what you're looking for tonight,
because this waking moment,
on this planet,
is our one chance to make it happen.
(# "Auld Lang Syne" on piano)
(horns honking)
(people cheering, blowing noisemakers)
I would love...
to marry...
you!
So, take a seat on the couch,
and I'm going to...
get some wine and turn on some music,
That sounds great,
I like your place,
Thanks,
If you ever need a place to crash
for a few days, you're more than welcome,
Actually I think I'm gonna stay
with my sister, She's out in the valley,
- So your sister lives out here?
- Yep, She said I could crash there,
(answering machine)
You have five new messages.
Wow, Mr, Popular,
(man) Hi, don't get upset if you're straight.
You didn't mention whether you were gay.
You posted under the holiday dates,
so it said "gender neutral."
Oh, shit, Wait one...
- Wait, wait, wait, I want to hear this,
- What?
- Let me hear this,
- All right,
I think you're hot from your photo. Bye.
(woman) I'm calling for the misanthrope.
- My number's 310-555-8934.
- OK, this is really embarrassing,
I divorced recently
and now I'm back out there.
I think I'm pretty attractive.
You know, I have a good body. (laughs)
So with that, I don't know what to say.
Um, well, I hope I'll hear from you.
(machine beeps)
(woman) Hi. I'm 36-24-36, blonde.
- I want to show you a good time.
- Maybe I jumped the gun,
- And my pager is 323...
- Your pager? Who has a pager anymore?
- Hookers, She was a hooker,
Oh,
- Oh, happy New Year, sweetie.
- That's my mom,
You didn't pick up your cell. I can't wait
to hear about this new girl you're seeing.
- Oh, shit,
- It's about time.
I want to hear all about her.
- What girl?
- I love you. Happy New Year.
I was on the other line with her when you
called, so I didn't know what to tell her,
(woman) Um, it's me.
Happy New Year.
I hope when you get this you're having
a really good time in LA.
Sounds like everything's
really working out for you.
I knew it would. You're so smart and
you're so driven and talented, and, um...
I don't know. I miss hearing you
tell me your stories and...
Someday everybody will see what you've
been working on. I'm really proud of you.
I just have complete faith
that this is just what you're meant to do.
Um... I don't know.
Things are going OK over here.
I'm just spending a lot of time
doing lesson planning and...
I don't know. I miss you.
And I was really, really glad
when I got your email.
And, uh, give me a call,
and, I don't know, we can talk.
All right.
Bye.
- (answering machine) End of messages.
- (beeps)
What's wrong?
Nothing,
Will you just hold me for a second?
Yeah,
You want me to tell you that confession
I never told you earlier today?
If you want to,
It's something I haven't told
anybody in the world yet,
What is it?
I'm pregnant,
He doesn't know, does he?
I was gonna tell him, and then I found out
he was cheating on me,
I just left and went
and checked myself into a hotel,
And I've been there ever since,
Are you gonna keep it?
I don't know,
I mean, if I do... (sighs)
...it's, like, no more nights like this,
No more... no more acting,
I guess I'll just move back to Texas
and maybe live with my mom, wait tables,
(birds chirping)
(woman moaning in pleasure)
(woman squeals)
(man and woman moan)
(woman) Oh, my God!
(squeals)
Are they serious?
(woman) Oh... my...
Mm-hm,
(woman) Oh!
- Do you hear that?
- Yeah, I love my neighbors,
(man and woman moan)
- That's loud,
- I know,
That's really loud,
Yeah, he's a stallion,
(woman shrieking)
They do that all the time?
Yeah, they just go at it and go at it
and go at it and go at it for hours,
- Oh, my God,
- The thing is a show, It's like a show,
(woman gasps)
- You just can't see anything,
- Do you hear this all the time?
Yeah, I love it,
(man) Ohh...
(woman) Oh, my God, oh, my God,
Fuck, fuck, fuck me,
(bodies slapping)
(Vivian laughs)
(woman) Oh, yeah!
- What does she look like?
- (clears throat)
She's really thin,
- You want some gum?
- What does that have to...
Yes, I'd love some gum,
Thank you,
You mean, she's not...
fat?
She's really thin?
- Is she hot?
- She's all right,
What does he look like?
(man and woman continue
to moan and pant)
- (whispering) Are you OK?
- Yeah,
Are you sure?
(whispering) Don't stop, Please don't stop,
(whispering) Don't stop,
Please don't stop,
(both panting)
(water running)
Good morning,
- So, um... I think we got all your stuff,
- (chuckles)
Thanks,
I guess I'll just pull around the car,
Oh, actually I called a cab,
Hey, uh, listen,
I'd really like to see you again,
Will you think of me next year at midnight?
Yeah,
I'll think of you every year
for the rest of my life,
That'd be nice,
I wish you luck,
You too,
(both) Bye,
(taxicab door opens)
(engine starts)
Hey,
I didn't know you were up,
Yeah, I am,
Did you have fun last night?
Yeah, I did,
- You?
- Mm-hm,
I... (clears throat)
I saw the girl that you were with,
She was very pretty,
Yeah, she is,
So... you're getting married,
Yeah, we're engaged,
Do you want to see the ring?
Mm-hm,
Mr, List,
- Mr, Craigslist,
- Hey,
- How are you, buddy?
- Good, So, um... congratulations,
- Thank you,
- You want orange juice?
Put something on before jack boy has
another jack attack! Jesus Christ, Min,
So, did you guys have a good time
last night? How was it?
We did, But did you have a good time?
That's what's more important,
Did you do it? Did you guys do it?
Did you do it?
Did you use the condoms?
You know, I'd rather not say right now,
No! Tell us now! Give us a little details,
a little gooey, gory details,
You know, I was, uh...
We had fun, We had a good time,
(exhales)
I like this, He's all, like, suave now,
holding back information,
He's got his mojo back, Look at him,
Wilson, the lady-killer,
# Follow the Moskva
# Down to Dorky Park
# Listening to the winds
# Of change
# Future's in the air
# Blowing everywhere
(Jacob and Min) # Blowing in the winds
(all) # Of change
# Take me
# To the legends of tomorrow
# On a Ionely night
# The mulatto lovers...
(all sing different lyrics)
# In the winds of change #
- (Wilson) Who wants breakfast?
- (Jacob) # I want breakfast
- (Min) I want French toast,
- # She wants French toast...
- (Wilson) OK, so, Vegas, huh?
- (Jacob) Vegas it is, in a month,
- (Min) I want to stay at the best hotel,
- (Jacob) The best ho... The Best Western,
- You got it,
- (Min laughs)
(Jacob) Come on, just tell me something,
# Did you do it? Did you do it? #
(# "Wind of Change" by Klaus Meine)
(Jacob) This year's gonna be awesome!
This is the best New Year's!
Can't believe you said yes.
(# "Wind of Change"
by Klaus Meine continues)