Jackass - The Lost Tapes (2009) Movie Script
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville.
Welcome to Jackass.
MAN: Three, two, one, fire!
(LAUGHlNG)
Come wash my back.
Well, I'm Johnny Knoxville,
United States of America,
and I'll be doing a little article
on self-defence equipment.
I'm going to start off by spraying myself
with red pepper spray.
It's the highest concentration
you can get,
followed by a 120,000-volt stun gun,
and then I'll be getting shot
with a Taser gun, 50,000 volts,
for roughly around 30 seconds.
This right here
is where the hooks come out, I guess.
Hit me!
(COUGHS)
(GROANlNG)
-Oh, my God.
-Give me the fucking towel.
Fucking hell.
I feel like my eyes have gonorrhoea.
(GRUNTlNG)
I won't put anything in my eyes, man.
MAN: I don't think we should let him
put anything in his face.
-JASON: Knox, do you want the water?
-No.
MAN: Some gasoline.
JASON: Spray you down?
JASON: Dive in the pool.
(SPlTS)
JASON: Would that stop an assailant?
JOHNNY: That would stop
a fucking freight train.
(BUZZlNG)
Charge!
(BUZZlNG)
(SCREAMS)
Fuck!
(SHUTTER CLlCKlNG)
(MOANS)
There's really no marks left.
That's where you got me.
JASON: Do you want
to do that one again?
JOHNNY: No.
Weren't you on 90210 not too long ago?
(SCREAMlNG)
Fucking hell!
No, quit. Fuck. No, Jas.
Jason, put it down.
I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.
-JASON: Here, do it to yourself.
-No... Fuck!
-Put it on top of your heart.
-That would hurt.
That one's been...
That was worse than the stun gun.
MAN: lt'll get infected.
JASON: Damn, I can't handle that.
MAN: Yeah, that's pretty nasty.
(JOHNNY GROANS)
-JASON: So what was more effective?
-The pepper spray is the worst by far.
Like, the stun gun, you get up again
-in a few seconds.
-JASON: But it knocks you down.
And the Taser gun, yeah, that sucked.
MAN: You guys want to go
watch it on the TV?
Ryan Dunn
is getting tar and feathered right now.
-BAM: Hey, Ry.
-Yeah?
MAN: Dunn got feathered.
WOMAN: He got tarred and feathered.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
MAN: Ryan, look at me. Ryan.
I got tarred and feathered. I thought this
only went on in Bugs Bunny cartoons.
(LAUGHlNG)
MAN: Let's go, dude.
STEVE-O: Okay, dude.
I'm gonna grab me some food
for the team.
WOMAN: That's two medium Cokes,
small fries and cheeseburger.
MAN 1: Yes.
MAN 2: Go, go, go.
MAN 1: Is there ketchup in there?
(WHlSTLE BLOWS)
Hi, I'm Preston. This is the human raft.
Could you guys roll me over?
(CHEERlNG)
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
CAMERAMAN: Mount him.
You got to get on yourself.
MAN: (SlNGlNG) Row, row, row your raft
Gently down the stream
My man.
(LAUGHlNG)
Oh, Man.
Come on.
This is your mother advising you
to get on him.
-Yeah, Mom is...
-My mom's telling me to get on a guy.
Yeah.
It's not too bad
being a human raft, huh, there, buddy?
There's always the fringe benefits.
-lt has its moments.
-Yeah.
Hi, I'm Chef Dave, and I'm gonna make
an omelette for you today.
There'll be no need for any knives.
I'm going to process all the food myself.
The ingredients are very important.
A variety of peppers.
Mushrooms are always good
for an omelette.
I'm so hungry.
You cannot forget the eggs
when you're making an omelette.
Today we're gonna make
a three-egg omelette.
Got a little bit of shell in there.
Don't want that. That'll cut you right up.
Always add a little bit of milk
for fluffiness.
And cheese. I'd suggest
medium cheddar cheese. It's good.
(BELCHES)
(MAN LAUGHlNG)
The final ingredient is the eggs.
(SNlCKERlNG)
(RETCHES)
(VOMlTlNG)
(COUGHS)
In this case,
I've only seemed
to bring back up the eggs.
Don't fret. All you do is just try again.
(LAUGHlNG)
MAN 1: No.
STEVE-O: no, chuck the bottom up,
dude. You gotta.
Cooking is relaxing.
STEVE-O: Any second now,
I'm about to...
MAN 1: Biatch.
As you can see, the colours
are really blending together nicely.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
MAN 1: Just eat the shell, too,
you probably should.
-lt wasn't that bad at all.
-MAN 1: He's got it.
(MAN EXCLAlMS)
I think we have enough
for our omelette today.
Next step is to add it to the skillet here.
(MAN CACKLES)
MAN 1: Can you get us a close-up?
DAVE: Like I said, a medium heat
is best. Can you smell that?
It's getting there.
It's getting there, that's for sure.
And there's not enough
to feed everybody,
but I would like to call one volunteer out
from the audience to try a little bit.
-Would anybody...
-STEVE-O: I'd say I'm a little bit hungry.
DAVE: All right, come on up here, man.
I think you're gonna really enjoy this.
MAN 1: Yeah.
It's hot. It's hot, watch out.
You want to blow it off a little.
I bet it's really no big deal.
MAN 1: Eat it. Chew. Chew.
MAN 2: Swallow that.
MAN 1: Chew.
MAN 2: You got to swallow it. Swallow it.
-MAN 2:You're being a sissy.
-Come on, I cooked that.
-MAN 1: Come on, eat the whole thing.
-MAN 2: No.
-I cooked that for you.
-MAN 2: That's rude if you puke it up.
Don't... Do not.
I puke it up 'cause I'm cooking.
-MAN 2: Eat more, dude.
-No, no.
(LAUGHlNG)
MAN 1: Hold on one second.
Don't do anything. Yeah, do it.
MAN 2: Don't let Jeff's presence
deter you from puking.
(MAN EXCLAlMlNG)
I swear, dude,
it's not your omelette, dude.
It's just the idea of your omelette.
MAN 2: Don't you puke on the chef.
Don't you puke on either of the chefs.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
I'm out of here, man. That's fucked.
MAN 1: Oh, my God, dude.
MAN 2: Hey, Dunn, what's up?
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
MAN 2: Oh, my God!
Hey, my name's Chief Roberts,
and the only thing I love more
than messing around with horses
is messing around
with my cowboy friends.
(WHOOPlNG)
JOHNNY: This is
the shockwave collar mike.
It's a fenceless dog collar,
and what happens is,
you put this around your neck,
and when you overstep the wire
boundaries, it administers a shock.
(SNlCKERlNG)
(BUZZlNG)
(EXCLAlMS lN PAlN)
JEFF: Did it work?
JOHNNY: Okay, come here.
(BUZZlNG)
(SCREAMlNG)
-Get it off. Get it off.
-JOHNNY: (LAUGHlNG) Come here.
Now, Jeff and I and Pontius
have tried it out,
and we're going to convince Kosick
that this is a piece of audio equipment.
Unbeknownst to him,
he's gonna be shocked,
and probably pretty angry.
MAN: Who should have the mike?
Who's gonna wear the mike?
I think Rick should wear it, because
Rick's gonna be the closest to you.
I think Rick's the...
JOHNNY: I think you'll
have better sound.
JEFF: Put the headphones on.
JOHNNY: Yeah, put the headphones on.
-ls it really tight, though?
-It's tight, but it'll work better.
-Hold on.
-I don't hear nothing.
(BUZZlNG)
Stop it, now. Stop it. Stop it.
JEFF: I'm sorry.
Don't do that. Don't do that.
JOHNNY: Dude, that's an expensive...
That's an expensive piece of equipment.
-Stop. Stop. Stop.
-JOHNNY: It's the PX-1.
Who wants some?
Knoxville?
-JOHNNY: I had nothing to do with that.
-Yeah, right.
I really had nothing to do with that, Rick.
-That's bull...
-Nothing to do with that.
JOHNNY: That was all Jeff's idea.
Your neck goes like this...
Like, just this crazy pain.
I don't wish upon any animal
to be wearing that stupid thing.
That's just pure torture.
Whoever invented it
should just be burned in hell.
-It's torture.
-MAN: Are we out of here?
-What the...
-That one hurt.
MAN: What's up, mister?
What's your name?
My name's Satan, and...
I don't even know what I'm doing here.
I should have stayed down in hell
where I belonged.
-Where are you now, Satan?
-I'm in California,
and there's a big problem with God here
in California. He's everywhere.
Keep God out of California.
Fire doesn't burn if you're already dead.
Keep God out of California.
Don't listen to these people.
They're liars. You might know of me
from that book that you read,
but those things
that were written about me aren't true.
For one thing,
God didn't invent circumcisions. I did.
Keep God out of California.
I'm not a bad guy.
All that stuff that they wrote about me
was a lie.
Jesus did not invent the circumcision.
I did. The devil himself.
Don't hate the player, hate the game.
I'm actually a pretty nice guy
if you get to know me.
-God bless you.
-God didn't bless me.
He wrote a bunch of fibs about me.
(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)
Hi, girls.
-I'm the devil.
-Are you being sarcastic?
-What's that mean?
-No.
They threw me from heaven
'cause they were jealous
that I invented the circumcision.
God was spying on me
while I was in the bathroom,
and he took the idea from me.
If you read it... You can read about it
in Genesis 18, but it's a complete lie.
So I'm just here to clear my name.
I'm a nice man.
-Fuck you, man.
-I'm a nice man, sir.
You want to fucking die
right here, fucker?
Get the fuck out
of my fucking sight, dude.
I came here...
Get the fuck out of my fucking sight,
you motherfucker.
-That's not Christian.
-I'll fucking murder your ass right here.
WOMAN: Hey, stop!
Hey, hey, hey, bitch.
Get the fuck off him.
Get the fuck off him.
MAN: Get the fuck off him.
You crazy motherfucker.
CHRlS: That's not
a Christian thing to do.
Psycho.
RYAN: Whoa.
MAN: Home run.
RYAN: Watch out. Watch out.
MAN: Shit!
BRlAN: It's a 12-inch
diesel-powered chipper.
It's a 200-horsepower unit.
It feeds the material
in the back of this unit
and disperses it out the chute.
I'm Ryan Dunn, and I'm about
to have fun with the woodchipper.
BAM: Hey, Ryan,
doesn't that look familiar?
I think he's trying to say
I got a small wiener.
Strawberry milk.
Let's try something mellow first.
(GRlNDlNG)
What are these? Gross.
He's gonna hate this.
Dude, the squid hurt so much worse
than anything else.
RYAN: What was that?
MAN: It was the frozen turkey.
Oh, my God. Look at that.
That just came out of my head.
BAM: Dude, you smell like hot trash.
(SNlCKERlNG)
(LAUGHlNG)
(GROANS)
MAN: Dude, I'm sorry.
-Hi, I'm Steve-O.
-And I'm Ehren,
and we're here downtown
'cause we're the best damn
football players ever to hit the city.
-Yeah, no more JV for us.
-No way, baby.
We're hitting the street, yeah!
(STEPHANlE CHEERS)
STEPHANlE: Touchdown.
(STEPHANlE WHOOPS)
WOMAN: Oh, my goodness.
EHREN: Fumble!
STEPHANlE: Touchdown.
Go blue and red, yeah!
(STEPHANlE WHOOPS)
Hey, do you know where this place,
like, the Pink Flamingo...
(GROANS)
EHREN: Is this where
the valet parking's at?
I just got done with a game.
(LAUGHlNG)
MAN 1: Move forward.
MAN 2: Look at the steam.
MAN 1: There's a foot of turd hanging
out of your ass. That's disgusting.
MAN 1: That's sickening.
MAN 3: Shit, here comes the deuce.
MAN 1: Wait, let me shoot pool.
MAN 1: That's disgusting.
Dude, wipe your ass.
MAN 2: It's steaming.
MAN 3: It was fucking steaming.
Steamed dumplings.
MAN 1: It's so cold out,
I can almost crack this.
MAN 2: That was disgusting.
That was so sick.
(SlNGlNG)
Hi, Oompa Loompa.
Thanks, buddy.
-My name is Richard.
-Richard?
MAN 1: Put some shit on his nose.
MAN 2: Fuck this...
(LAUGHlNG)
MAN 1: Dude, you...
MAN 2: I was trying to get in on the party.
So we're in Knoxville, Tennessee,
outside of Eddie's Auto Parts.
Now, the owner is a friend
of my father's named Eddie Harvey.
He's got a really short temper,
and we're gonna send Dimitry in there
with a Russian accent
to see how long it takes him to get hot.
DlMlTRY: Who is Eddie? I need help.
-DlMlTRY: You Eddie?
-You need a tape?
DlMlTRY: No, I need help, we say.
My car, she break, down street.
You want the mechanic?
DlMlTRY: No. Eddie.
MAN: That's Eddie.
DlMlTRY: Who's Eddie? You're Eddie?
I need spark plug or something.
-DlMlTRY: How much?
-I ain't charging you nothing.
I said I was gonna give it to you.
DlMlTRY: I need more.
What if break again?
-One, one to a customer.
-DlMlTRY: Come on, you give me free,
but it's free headache.
I got $1, but I need more than one.
I give you $4 for two.
You give me three more dollars
or you're...out of luck.
DlMlTRY: I have rubles.
You take rubles? I bring you dollars.
DlMlTRY: Dude, he didn't get mad at all.
-Nothing happened.
-What did he say?
He was gonna let me walk out of there
with four spark plugs for $1.
Go back in and try to get him hotter.
DlMlTRY: Okay, I find money.
You give me spark plug.
I need... You sell engine?
Maybe new engine I need.
Yeah, well, I don't know what you need.
I can't understand. I'm not...
Hell, I can't understand nothing
but the damn English language.
I don't know nothing about...
(DlMlTRY SPEAKlNG RUSSlAN)
It won't start, hell, put some gas in it.
You're probably out of gas.
-DlMlTRY: Okay, give me some gas.
-What have you been used to,
running a damn bicycle,
riding a bicycle all the time?
-DlMlTRY: No, it's car, four wheels.
-Hell, when you get in a car,
-you got to put gas in them.
-DlMlTRY: Okay, give me gas...
-Pound, one pound of gas.
-Gas don't come by the...damn pound.
It comes by the gallon.
You want a gallon of gas...
-What is it? You want a gallon of gas...
-DlMlTRY: I need to go 50 kilometres.
How much gas I need?
(PHONE RlNGS)
Pick up phone. I pick up.
Hello, Eddie Auto. How I help you?
I sue you.
MAN: Well, get
your ass out of here, then.
A dead man can't sue nobody.
DlMlTRY: What you talk, "A dead man"?
Where you going?
-A dead man can't sue you for nothing...
-DlMlTRY: Come on, help me.
What, you gonna hit me?
You can't hit me.
I'm gonna hit you, by God, if you stand
right there where I can reach you.
DlMlTRY: Here, reach me. You can't
hit me. You can't hit me, come on.
-You need to help me with car.
-Put your damn hand out there.
-DlMlTRY: You're too slow.
-Put it out there.
DlMlTRY: Hello, Eddie, Eddie.
Help me, Eddie.
I sit on chair till you come start car.
-No, a chair, I need chair.
-Get your ass out of here.
DlMlTRY: No, I need... I take this chair.
-...damn it.
-I need chair.
-Get the...out of here.
-I need chair.
-I'm not...
-I need chair.
-You little...
-Start car. I take bat.
-Now, get out the damn door.
-I need start car.
-Get out the door!
-Who are you? You're not Eddie.
I call police on you,
Eddie and no-name friend.
-Get the hell out of here.
-DlMlTRY: I need you start my car.
You start my car.
Come on.
You start car.
Come on, what, you gonna get me?
You stupid son of a bitch.
You want me to come down there?
Hi, I'm Steve-O.
I'm somewhere in Louisiana.
Right now, I'm about
to get my ass kicked by crawfish.
MAN 1: How bad do these hurt
when they get a good pinch on you?
MAN 2: Well, depends on
if you get one like that one.
MAN 2: See how its claw's like that?
STEVE-O: Whoa, dude, yeah.
We didn't feed them for three days,
so they'd be hungry.
MAN 1: That's gonna feel kind of funny
going down your pants.
It's not gonna get worse, dude.
This is probably gonna be the equivalent
of doing a Pete Rose slide
through fricking thorn bushes.
MAN 3: See, that's about what they do.
They really don't let go.
MAN 1: That thing's gonna kill you.
And this is the crawfish diaper.
MAN 1: And some in the front.
Are they biting?
(SCREAMS)
Where? Where's he biting?
He's clamped on to my butt cheek, dude.
(SCREAMlNG CONTlNUES)
Okay, I think I'm done, man.
MAN 1: They almost bit you
on Your Name, dude. What do you think?
I think that sucked.
As soon as Kosick
comes out of the pharmacy,
he's gonna get antiqued by Ehren.
Bastard's on crutches, too.
RlCK: Fuck.
MAN: He's so pissed.
-He's just so angry.
-Can't turn your fucking face
for one second.
MAN: Oh, my God.
EHREN: I just got to do...
I just got to do... I...
Going to play a little golf today.
MAN: Hey, bub. Hey, no, no, no, no.
JOHNNY: One second, one second.
I'm swinging.
MAN 1: Hey, bub.
Hey, bub, you've gotta take
them golf clubs and them balls
-and go somewhere else.
-Well, I got to practise my shots.
Then you're gonna have
to go somewhere else to do it.
-The driving range isn't open today.
-Well, this is not a driving range, bub.
This is a miniature golf course.
Well, I know,
but I got to practise my swings.
-Hey, bub, hey.
-Watch out, watch out, watch out!
-Here, you need to...
-No, no, no, those are expensive clubs.
-You need to take these clubs...
-Just let me finish my game.
-No, bub.
-I got three holes left.
-No, bub.
-I got three holes left.
I don't care if you got 33 left, okay?
You need to take your clubs and go.
-Just a couple more shots.
-Hey, bub.
Just a couple more shots.
If I have to,
I'm gonna call the law on you, bub.
I haven't done anything.
Hooked it. You made me hook it.
Watch out.
I don't want to swing with you here.
I don't want you to get hit.
Here, wait. Wait.
I don't want you to get hit.
-Hey.
-Wait. Wait. Wait. Watch out. Fore!
MAN 2: Hey, watch it!
-Bub, I got the clubs.
-Here, let me have my clubs.
-Let's go.
-Come on.
-Let's go.
-Oh, here, good.
-Hey.
-Wait. Wait. Wait.
-Stand back. Stand back.
-Hey, bub, hey!
-Stand back! Fore!
-Hey!
-Come on, let me have my clubs.
-Can't do that here, bub.
Come on, those are my expensive clubs.
-Well, come on...
-My mom gave me those clubs.
Hey, you need to take these and go.
-Come on, let's go.
-Come on, just let me finish my round.
I got eight balls left.
-Buddy, you cannot do that here.
-Come on, I got eight balls left.
Just one more time.
Bub, you can't hit
the golf clubs over there.
It's a golf course. It says a golf course.
It's for this
little miniature golf course, bub.
-It's not to hit way over yonder, okay?
-God.
-Come on.
-Are you gonna charge me a caddy fee?
-MAN: Hurt?
-What?
-Yes.
-MAN: It's funny.
God, no!
MAN 1: Too hard?
God, these emus are going around.
They're breeding like rabbits
and they're killing people.
A lot of nature hosts try to have
more of a Zen thing with the animals.
Not me.
I want to prove to these guys
that I am stronger than them.
I'm faster.
I've got greater animal instincts.
And I myself am an animal.
-He's looking at me.
-MAN: He likes you, boy.
CHRlS: The tips of their claws
contain a poison
most scientists compare to the sting
of 1, 000 black widows,
and you're looking at an animal
with two or three toes. I don't know.
I mean, that's a lot of black widows.
You do the math.
The best time to catch an emu
is when he's freaked out.
-That's when he'll put up a decent fight.
-MAN 2: Well, then, don't run after him.
There it is. There it is! You got him.
You got him. You got him.
Open the gate.
CHRlS: You got to show these animals...
MAN 2: Lock him in! You're the boss!
CHRlS:...that you are the boss,
and, you know,
maybe if you feel attracted to them,
you could get
a little pleasure from them.
I'm not gonna do that right now, all right.
MAN 1: Yeah, emu hunter.
MAN 2: The emu hunter.
Nice job, dude. That's good.
-Have you done that before?
-Yeah, they're pretty mellow.
-They're not too bad, dude.
-That wasn't bad at all.
Well, that was the most intense thing
I've done in years.
Hey, we're gonna do the milk challenge,
and we're gonna try to drink
a gallon of milk in one hour
or, actually, as fast as we can.
Kristin is on white milk,
I'm on brown milk,
and Ehren is on pink milk.
Cheers.
Yummy.
-How does it taste?
-My stomach's starting to reject it.
Oh, God.
Sorry.
(GROANS)
Damn it.
How did you drink that much milk
and you're not puking?
-She's gonna do it.
-EHREN: It's impossible.
MAN: I don't think so.
Isn't it cold?
Is yours cold when it comes up?
Mine was, like, ice cold when it...
It's the weirdest feeling,
puking cold puke.
-I gotta take a shit pretty bad.
-So do l.
I'm gonna poop.
Oh, my God.
MAN: Show me
the empty container. Yeah.
MAN: Gross.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
DAVE: Dude, you missed the bucket.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
STEVE-O: Yeah, dude.
-MAN: Johnny, what happened?
-I twisted my ankle a little bit yesterday.
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville
and I'm going to get an x-ray.
I'm Mary Lynn, the volunteer.
I was trying to jump a river
on a pair of roller skates.
-DOCTOR: Stay just like this.
-So the show's going good so far.
(CLANGlNG)
MAN: What are you doing?
DOCTOR: You've got
quite a sprain there,
and you've got a lot of healing to do.
-Okay.
-So we'll put you in an air splint here,
see if you can tolerate that.
We'll put you on crutches.
I'll copy your x-rays for you,
and I don't think you're doing stunts
for several weeks.
My name's Bunny,
and I'm the lifeguard here at the river,
and although Mr Knoxville
is a professional skater,
he's not a professional swimmer,
and my job is to make sure
that guy doesn't get himself killed.
My name is Johnny Knoxville,
and today I'm gonna jump the LA river
on roller skates.
JOHNNY: Help me! Help!
CHRlS: Buddy, I got you.
Okay, I'm gonna try and jump it again
without the ramp.
JOHNNY: Oh, man,
I might have broke my ankle.
That guy right there is the best damn
roller skater there ever was.
Maybe in the whole town.
I'm...
I think my ankle's broke.
If that jump costed him his career,
I don't know who's gonna step forward
to fill his skates.
I'll tell you that much right now.
-I almost made it.
-You were close on that second one.
You were about 5 feet short.
You were about 5 feet short
of a 10-feet jump.
I'm with Raab Himself,
and he's gonna be biking his naked ass
down the middle of High Street.
-Forward or back?
-CAMERAMAN: Back.
Okay.
I like to call this one "Hand Off."
Can you guys come here?
I was just jacking up my car,
and it fell on my hand.
(SCREAMlNG)
EHREN: It's not going anywhere.
Hey, hold on. I got my keys.
They're right... I think I locked them
in the car right there.
No, ma'am, it's okay.
I think we're gonna get it here.
I think we'll get it. No, it's just... It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
(EHREN SCREAMlNG)
MAN 1: Pop the jack underneath.
MAN 2: I don't know where the...
MAN 1: Okay, we're gonna do
a concentrated lift right now.
EHREN: He's got the jack. He's got it.
Can you rub my back a little?
(EHREN SCREAMlNG)
MAN 1: Call 911.
EHREN: No, no, please, don't call 911.
EHREN: I know...
MAN 2: Breathe deep, buddy.
MAN 2: Take it easy. Take it easy.
MAN 1: I just made bubbles.
I think we're all in agreement.
For five minutes, anything goes.
What happens underwater
stays underwater.
MAN 1: Gentlemen, start your engines.
MAN 2: Gentlemen, start your engines.
Don't get the raging hard-on in here.
I'm Raab Himself,
and this is skeet shooting.
MAN: Pull.
(PAlNTBALL GUNS FlRlNG)
I got hit on my ankle.
Did you see how fast I was running?
I was like a cheetah.
Someone got me in the head.
WOMAN: Huge welts.
RAAB:...damn, that hurt.
RAAB: Nobody hit the bull's-eye.
MAN 1: Get the rest of it.
CAMERAMAN: Whose shirt is that?
MAN 2: Pontius'.
MAN 1: Get the rest of it.
MAN 2: Yeah,
make sure you get the rest of it.
CAMERAMAN: Oh, shit.
Four minutes left on tape, but oh, shit.
MAN 1: You can't...
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Oh, shit.
X-Y. X-Y.
-Hey, while we're being idiots...
-CAMERAMAN: Come on, run up on it.
MAN 1: Shit. Shit.
-Oh, my...
-Yeah!
Hi, I'm Steve-O,
and this is extreme unicycling.
(SCREAMlNG)
Let's do it.
MAN: Dude. There he is!
MAN: Whoa, my man is on.
He's cool. I like him.
I'll be watching Jackass.
It hurt me.
I knew I was completely finished
when I did the cement slide.
That's so special.
Can I get
the Lard Na vegetarian, please?
Okay.
Okay, great.
No.
-Excuse me, sir?
-Yes?
I ordered a vegetarian dish,
and there's some kind of sausage in it.
WAlTER: Really?
Look at that. There's more there.
Really? Let me see.
-Smell that. It smells horrible.
-Very hot.
It... This was in my... It looks like poo.
What, that one?
-WAlTER: Yeah, bean... It's a bean.
-WOMAN: Bean?
-This is a bean?
-WAlTER: Yeah.
-Let me try, okay? I don't know...
-What kind of bean is this?
Is this, like,
an Arkansas-type steamer bean or...
WAlTER: Sometimes the...
It's, like, one of these things?
Yeah, and that... That...
They put the whole thing.
I don't know what he got.
-That's a pretty big bean.
-WAlTER: Yeah.
-Sorry... Didn't see it before.
-That's all right. That's okay.
Did you figure out
what was on that plate?
I can't figure it out what is that, but we...
JOHNNY: It was a bean curd...
No, yeah, don't... Yeah.
WOMAN: Somebody put it inside it.
We never cook like that.
Never ever happened like that before.
Nothing fell out
when you leaned over or anything?
-Never.
-Never. Never.
JOHNNY: Okay, you guys have
a good night.
-WAlTRESS: Hello.
-Hi, how are you?
Do you have a vegetable noodle dish?
WAlTRESS: You don't want meat, right?
JOHNNY: Yes, no meat.
This looks good. Thank you.
WAlTRESS: We have Cantonese, too.
-Excuse me, ma'am?
-WAlTRESS: Yes?
I ordered a vegetarian dish.
Can you get the manager for me?
This looks like it has sausage in it.
-WAlTRESS: What is that?
-I don't know, but it smells.
WAlTRESS: I don't know
where it come from.
-What is that?
-ls that bok choy?
WAlTRESS: I don't know?
What is that, like, a...
MAN: No, no, no, no.
WAlTRESS: Let me see.
No, no, no. What? What?
No, no, that's my newspaper.
-WAlTRESS: Yeah, I know, let me see.
-That's my private property.
-WAlTRESS: Please let me see.
-I'm feeling very cornered.
I'm feeling very cornered.
-WAlTRESS: No, if you let me see...
-No, I'm feeling very cornered.
No, there's your money.
-There's your money.
-WAlTRESS: I'm gonna call the police.
Oh, my God.
Come on now. Come on now.
Let's go to the sporting goods store
and play a little basketball.
(EHREN BLOWS WHlSTLE)
Game on. Jump ball.
Ready?
(BLOWlNG WHlSTLE)
RlCK: Foul, foul.
EHREN: That's a penalty.
(BLOWS WHlSTLE)
MAN: All right, that's enough.
I don't want you in here.
You either get out of here,
or I'm gonna do something
with that whistle
you're not gonna appreciate,
so please leave the store.
-This is...
-MAN: I want you out of the store.
Now. Now.
EHREN: We've got a serious game
of one-on-one.
MAN: Seriously, get out of here.
Get out of here, now.
I'm serious, get out.
-Where's the ball?
-Out.
-DAVE: Ball?
-We got no ball.
-All right, that's game. Good game.
-Thanks.
-You guys got any water here?
-No, let's go.
CAMERAMAN: Hey, where's next?
New game.
(BLOWS WHlSTLE)
(LAUGHlNG)
MAN: Go!
Oh, my God!
-CAMERAMAN: Are you okay?
-ls it broken, though?
CAMERAMAN: I don't know.
It looks all right. Oh, my God.
Hi, I'm Party Boy,
and this is extreme jacuzziing.
(STEVE-O GROANS)
-Good morning.
-Hi.
Wait. You cannot come in like that.
-Go out.
-What?
You cannot...
Go put on your pants. Go out.
-What... Can I just get some water?
-No, you can't.
-Please? I'm super thirsty.
-Go put... No!
-It's super hot outside.
-No, no, no, no. No, you can't.
Go put your pants on.
-I just... The water is right here.
-I don't care. Go out.
Excuse you.
Excuse you. Go out.
-I have to leave?
-Yes.
-No water?
-Put your pants on.
-Excuse me, go out.
-Okay, okay.
-Shame on you. Go, go, go out.
-Okay. I'm sorry. No water? Please?
-No water.
-Please?
Put your pants on, then come in.
You gotta wear pants.
She's freaking out. I don't know.
CASHlER: I can't believe that!
WOMAN: And where am l
branding you? Really?
We're rocking and rolling, okay?
(EXHALES)
All right, and like I said,
I'm not gonna give you a count.
(EXCLAlMS lN PAlN)
(GROANS)
Okay, good trouper.
Good trouper.
Shoot, we got a... What about...
Do we need to connect the dot there?
-We're gonna go in with this.
-So we're not done.
WOMAN: Okay.
(STlFLED GROANS)
Okay.
-I can really...
-CAMERAMAN: I can smell you.
-Yeah.
-WOMAN: We can smell you.
You don't smell as bad as some,
though, for sure.
-Okay, so you're branded.
-Right on. Let's party.
(ALL LAUGH)
-Crap.
-MAN: Oh, my God.
Are you okay? Are you all right?
Just give me a second. Just don't...
Don't touch me.
Fuck.
I just pissed my pants.
Dude, that's disgusting.
(LAUGHlNG) Man. Sick! No!
(CAMERAMAN LAUGHlNG)
So we're here in merry old England,
and Mr Pontius and l
overdid it a little last night,
and we're about to practise rugby
with the London lrish,
a professional rugby team.
I do not feel good.
They're pretty big boys.
CAMERAMAN: You get kicked
in the head a lot.
Baby's cold.
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville,
and this is rugby.
-CAMERAMAN: How's it going so far?
-Good.
This guy's crazy.
MAN: Don't fall.
WOMAN: Oh, my God,
that's a piece of crap.
Yeah, Dave.
Hi, I'm Steve-O, and I'm about
to get run over by an airboat.
(MONKEY CHATTERlNG)
(WOMEN SCREAMlNG)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
(MAN YELLS)
MAN: Holy...
BARTENDER: Get the hell out of here!
What's up, dawg?
What's going on, man?
What you doing out here
doing this for, man?
Ain't nothing like a drunk monkey, man.
...damn.
(HORSE NElGHlNG)
I'm Rick Kosick. I'm a wild buck,
and I smell a little doe in heat.
(LAUGHlNG)
JOHNNY: What did you put on me?
-Get up!
-What is that?
JOHNNY: You're fucking naked!
You're fucking naked!
I am so defenceless.
Get off of me.
CAMERAMAN: Let's hear that horsey.
Let's see it.
Make the horsey go. Wait, wait, wait.
Make the horsey go, Rick.
Dude, you heard the...
I hit my head pretty hard.
I'm Ehren McGhehey,
and this is the fire extinguisher.
-CAMERAMAN: Are you all right?
-lt went in my mouth.
Oh, my God.
JOHNNY: This is Rene Hoffman.
He owns
the Orlando Watersports Complex here,
where I'm gonna hopefully
be wakeboarding there today.
I'm very uncoordinated.
I can't even get up on a wakeboard
or skis up until this point in my life.
-Do you think you can get me up today?
-Well, we have even girls out here
-that do it, so...
-Are you calling me a girl?
CAMERAMAN: What's gonna happen
to Knoxville when he does it?
Either he'll go really far and eat shit,
or he won't go very far
and smash into the jump and eat shit.
-Either way he's eating shit?
-Yep.
I'm Johnny Knoxville.
I'm about to do some wakeboarding.
Shit!
Today we're gonna have
a pie-eating contest.
I'm gonna determine
whether the pie is done,
and you can put your hand on the pan,
but not on the pie,
and when you're finished,
you have to say "Ryan Dunn."
(BLOWS WHlSTLE)
Keep going, fat boy.
He's done it.
Ryan Dunn.
You're full of shit, bro.
MAN 1: I just jacked you up, man.
Guys, I'm in the mood for another one.
PHlL: Who the hell did that?
Phil is officially the winner.
He ate five pies.
Phil's the winner.
MAN 2: We've got a winner.
(GROANlNG)
-What's his name?
-Bam-Bam.
-Bam-Bam?
-Yeah.
Bam-Bam still has his claws, I see.
-How much does Bam-Bam weigh?
-MAN 1: He's close to 500 right now.
When he wrestles,
the more rambunctious you get,
the more rambunctious he'll get.
If I grabbed his bear...,
do you think he would attack?
I think he'd be very upset.
(GROWLS)
Just so you know,
when male bears fight each other,
-that's where they do go for.
-JOHNNY: They go for the goods?
-MAN 1: That's where they go.
-Do we have a cup?
MAN 1: You need this?
MAN 2: Not that one.
MAN 2: No? All right.
My name's Johnny Knoxville,
and this is bear wrestling.
Hi. How are you?
(GROWLlNG)
(JOHNNY GROANS)
MAN 1: Try to get up, John.
You can get up, come on.
JOHNNY: I can't
put any weight on my back.
MAN 1: Easy.
MAN 2: Easy, buddy.
MAN 1: That didn't look
like you were trying...
JOHNNY: (GROANS) My neck.
MAN 1: Take your hand away.
Move your hand.
Keep your hands away from him.
Use your elbows.
JOHNNY: He's all right, right now.
He tried to break my neck that time.
MAN 1: Okay, Bam, that's it.
Good boy. Good boy.
John, come on, get up.
He tried to snap my neck
a couple of times.
Yeah, he was trying to...
'Cause he would...
He was smart.
He'd get a grip and just rip.
CAMERAMAN: Barge it.
(ROARlNG)
(SCREAMlNG)
(PRESTON WHlSTLlNG)
(WEE MAN MAKES BABY NOlSES)
See the duckies?
Sorry, baby!
I'm sorry, little baby.
-That thing hurts.
-It's okay. It's okay, come on.
(CHUCKLlNG)
PRESTON: Come on, baby,
you want some? I didn't think so.
MAN: Hey, do you want to roll
down this hill real quick?
-No.
-MAN: Come on, dude. You'll make it.
-Just go look at it, dude.
-I can see it right here.
No, no, go...
Go up there and check it out.
-I don't want to get rolled down a hill.
-Why not?
-Because I said I don't.
-Did you even look at it?
-No, but I don't need to.
-Why not?
-Because I don't need to.
-You don't want to do something
that might look good on TV?
You don't want to do that?
Okay, then, I thought... Never mind.
Let's go, come on.
Don't be mad, dude.
I just wanted to get something funny.
-Well, I didn't want...
-You don't think that would be funny?
-Yeah, but I don't want to do it.
-ls this shoot over?
Yeah, what did you want out of it?
We got whatever, you know?
-Are you mad?
-At you.
-Why?
-Because you're an asshole.
Why?
Come on, dude, don't be mad.
I'm good already, all right?
I'm already scraped up. I feel fine.
-You're scraped up? Let me see.
-All right, and my... So, cool.
This was the stupidest thing ever.
All right, so good.
-I'm done with it.
-You don't look done.
MAN: What would you prefer?
WOMAN: Is there meat
in the second one?
No, there isn't meat in the second one,
but the first one is totally made of meat.
Good God!
Thank you for your time.
(SlREN WAlLlNG)
(CHATTER OVER RADlO)
We're here in Buckingham, England,
with the Devil's Horsemen,
and we're about to have
the gladiator duels.
-Yeah!
-Let's get it on.
First action,
you go on the chariots, okay?
JOHNNY: Okay.
Chariots come in.
You come... You be there.
Let them there, you be there.
Master shot, they come in,
they pass through. We stop here.
When we stop here...
CAMERAMAN: What the hell's
he talking about?
-This guy's a nut.
-...each other. All right?
-Okay.
-Okay.
Did you understand
anything he just said?
CAMERAMAN:
I didn't understand a word.
JOHNNY: Mercy! Mercy! Spare me!
(EXCLAlMlNG)
-Come on, kill me. Kill me.
-MAN: Look at that.
Come on, Steve-O.
You got it.
Oh, my God.
That is so...
Where's your... Where's your bike?
(STEVE-O RETCHlNG)
MAN 1: Where's your bike?
CAMERAMAN: What do you think
motivates this guy?
God, if you're going to be dumb,
you better be tough.
MAN 2: Where's the unicycle?
MAN 3: You need the unicycle.
MAN 2: Dude, go get it.
MAN 3: Now you got to get back in
and get the unicycle.
Have you smelt that? It's poop.
MAN 2: Be careful.
JOHNNY: Holy... Look at his chin!
Oh, my God.
How did the unicycle stunt look?
This is Mike, our alligator wrangler.
-How you all doing out there?
-He's gonna be with us today.
We're gonna take this dead alligator
and go have some fun with it.
-Did it die from natural causes or...
-Yeah.
-That's good.
-Killed by another alligator.
-As natural as it gets.
-Notice the lifelike movement of the tail.
Let's go do it.
WOMAN: I'm sorry.
He's carrying a dead crocodile.
He's lost his mind.
CAMERAMAN: I know. It's funny.
WOMAN: He's crazy!
And why didn't you take a picture of it?
Excuse me. Watch out, sir. Watch out.
Watch out. Watch out.
Here, you want to pet it? Here, pet it.
Pet it. Pet it. Pet it. Pet it.
He's gonna hit me with the chair.
If you want, you can pet it.
You want to pet it?
Here, just try it. Come here!
You guys may want to step back
just a hair.
It's asleep.
You guys can pet it if you want.
-No, no, no, no.
-No?
Watch out. Watch out. Watch out.
You want to pet it?
Fuck, no.
You can touch it.
Gotcha!
(SCREAMS)
Ma'am, do you want to pet it? You sure?
It's asleep. It's in a sleep state. All right.
JOHNNY: Oh, God! Oh, God!
Do you want to pet it?
Here, want to pet it?
Here, you guys want to pet it? Come on!
Watch out.
-Yeah, can you guys resurrect it?
-Yeah.
Hey, Jamie, they're gonna resurrect it.
They're going to perform a resurrection.
WOMAN: In Jesus' name...
Dude, this sucks.
CAMERAMAN: The fact that you don't
skate isn't gonna make this pretty.
-Good job out there.
-Thanks.
Go hit the showers after this.
CAMERAMAN: Dude, you shouldn't
do this. You can't even stand...
You can't even stand up on that thing.
You shouldn't do this.
Why don't you go down,
practise a little bit down there,
and then come up here?
MAN 1: No, just do it, Johnny.
MAN 2: Yeah, just do it.
MAN 1: Don't let him
talk you out of it, man.
ALL: One, two, three!
(WHOOPlNG)
(CAMERAMAN LAUGHlNG)
(CHRlS WHOOPlNG)
Chief Roberts coming back
from the grave.
(WHOOPlNG)
(ALL GROANlNG)
STEVE-O: The chances of this working
are so minimal.
-CAMERAMAN: Later, dude.
-See you later.
God, God.
Listen, you little bitch, you little bitch.
-CAMERAMAN: What are you gonna do?
-I'm gonna try to make it in the hole.
Ready?
I'm Steve-O,
and I'm about to go get cursed.
The only time I've ever heard of it
is when people make dolls
of other people
so they can torture them.
WOMAN: Clarify your mind.
Don't worry about voodoo.
I've been banging myself up a lot
doing stunts,
and I think I need some healing.
Well, I guess you're being...
Then you're baptised, and...
Yeah, let me get baptised in my bikini.
There.
She has her way.
So this is... This is a baptism here?
Well, with the serpent.
-A baptism with a serpent.
-Yeah.
The only time I've ever heard of it
is when people make dolls
of other people
so they can torture them.
Being tortured
was the first state of humanity.
Bang-bang-bang myself,
and, yeah, it brings about great reality.
Oh, yeah, banging myself
brings about a great reality.
Is voodoo generally a violent industry?
You're supposed to jump up.
-See if you can get me in the butt.
-He loves the butt whip.
(MOANS)
-He's supposed to be jumping up.
-Yeah, that was a good one.
The whip take away all negativity,
bring order.
The whip brings order.
We're removing the negativity
with the whip.
Crawl around. Come around.
Yeah, really give it to me.
No.
Oh, yeah, that was a good one.
Oh, yeah, there we go.
This whip doesn't play.
(GROANS)
-Yeah, that was a good one.
-Oh, my God.
Yeah, there we go.
-CAMERAMAN: Are the bad spirits gone?
-Yeah, I think the bad spirits are gone.
Do you know
of any little markets around?
-Markets?
-Yeah.
What kind of markets?
(FARTlNG NOlSES)
-Like, you go down to La Cienega.
-Do I make a left or right at La Cienega?
Let's see, you make a left.
(FARTlNG NOlSES CONTlNUE)
What are you doing? Go away.
-CAMERAMAN: What happened?
-I don't know. He told me to go away.
He was, like, leaving farts.
-CAMERAMAN: He what?
-Hello, I'm eating. That's rude.
We're off Regent Street
in merry old England,
and we're about to play a little soccer.
-MAN 1: Football.
-Soccer.
-Football.
-Soccer.
Would you like to try a shot on goal?
Who's gonna try it?
Oh, shit. Throw me my ball.
Whoever gets a goal on me
gets to have a proper shag with me
around the corner.
Come on, governor.
Get it out.
Get that out of here!
Okay, here, we've got a professional.
Where'd that go?
For fuck's sake, give me a proper shot.
Not bad for a...Yankee.
All right, here we go.
MAN 2: Just shoot it.
(ALL CHEERlNG)
-What's that?
-Just watch the window, yeah?
Well, game to the United States.
-We got shut down.
-One more, one more.
We got shut down.
You know, I used to board slide
and come off over here.
Is this the immigration office?
(WOMAN SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)
I'm coming from a little bit
farther south than Mexico,
but I'm gonna need
some immigration service.
I'm gonna have to stay here for a while,
and I want to do it legally, by the books.
-Okay.
-CHRlS: You got any paperwork for me?
-Yeah, I do.
-CHRlS: All right.
-Have a seat.
-CHRlS: Don't be scared, miss.
I'm actually a nice guy.
I do sometimes get up to the devil's
business every now and then, though.
I'm Brandon, this is Bam,
and we're gonna have ourselves
a little cockfight out on the ice.
CAMERAMAN: Yo, yo, why don't you get
back here, you little hat-trick-ass bitch?
Get your ass over here.
I seen you in the red circle!
That's offside!
That's offside, you little...
You have something wrong with you?
Come on, bring it in here.
Bring it on!
Yeah, bitch!
MAN 1: The Wee Man.
MAN 2: Yeah, yeah.
Ho, ho, ho, can I get 100 pieces
of chicken and 100 Cokes to go?
Oh, Merry Christmas.
Santa's got a lot of damn chicken.
-Okay, bye-bye, merry Christmas.
-Thank you, Blanca.
Thank you, senor. Thank you, Carlos.
Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas,
little boys and girls.
Fried chicken and Cokes.
Merry Christmas.
-All right, thank you, thank you.
-Hey, merry Christmas.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
-Here we go.
-MAN: Wait, don't rush.
It's good.
JOHNNY: Come on, now.
There's enough for everybody.
Here we go!
Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah.
What do you want for Christmas?
-Say a Barbie doll.
-A Barbie doll?
-Merry Christmas.
-WOMAN: Say, "Thank you."
-MAN: Say, "Merry Christmas."
-JOHNNY: All right,
-what would you want, little girl?
-I wanted to tell you...
-You want to hug Santa like...
-No, I want a Barbie doll.
Okay, you get a Barbie doll, little girl.
-Can I have a turtle, too?
-You can have a turtle.
-That's all I want.
-All right,
-and a half a pint of...
-All I want is a turtle.
Okay, a turtle, a turtle.
Hey, Merry Christmas! Feliz Navidad!
(MEN CHUCKLlNG)
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
(GROANS)
WOMAN: Oh, my God.
MAN 1: Oh, my God!
MAN 2: I'm okay.
Hello, I am Pontius the Barbarian,
and today
we are at this Renaissance fair
to do some dragon slaying.
Hey, wenches.
-MAN: Ouch.
-They're royalty.
Not a problem.
Out of my way, old man.
Sir, I am a knight of this realm
in an era where,
if you shall insult a friend of mine
by calling him an old man,
you shall speak unto me,
and I shall speak harshly to you,
and my word shall carry more weight
than your armour.
-CHRlS: Could I trouble you for a...
-Do not insult yourself
with your lack of intelligence
and your ignorance.
Could I trouble you for a kiss, sir?
Hey, can I try some of those grapes?
Why, thank you.
Those aren't real.
Can I have some of that turkey?
Stop it, you little brats.
Hear ye, hear ye.
I'd like to give a demonstration
on how you kill a dragon.
The first thing you gotta remember
is the mouth.
These guys can breathe fire,
so stay away from it.
Look at the dragon!
Baby dragon! Baby dragon!
Kill him with your bow.
Get the baby dragon! Get him, come on!
Slay the baby dragon!
Slay the dragon!
Kill the baby dragon!
Kill that dragon!
-Kill that little dirty bastard!
-Get him!
MAN 1: Beheaded the dragon!
MAN 2: Oh, my God.
-He's dead.
-MAN 3: Bring out your dead.
Oh, my God. What the hell?
Sweet.
-Hi, I'm Rick Kosick.
-I'm Johnny Knoxville.
This is urban sledding.
(JOHNNY GROANS)
That hurt.
Look at my...
Is that my skidmark from my jacket?
JOHNNY: Let's try it down steps.
-JOHNNY: What time is it?
-It's time to go home, man.
(LAUGHlNG)
RYAN: Dude, that smells so...bad.
Let me see this.
You're gonna get it all wet,
then we've gotta wait
-for it to dry anyway.
-I'm not gonna get it wet.
-You're gonna pour it on me.
-I am not.
(RYAN EXCLAlMlNG)
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Where you guys going tonight?
Home.
-Home? Why home?
-It's the place to be.
Why are you guys going...
Can I go with you?
(WOMEN CHUCKLlNG)
WOMAN 2: Hello, hello, hello.
RYAN: Come on, come on, come on.
RYAN: Just a little one.
WOMAN 2: All right...
WOMAN 3: What is that smell?
That smells.
WOMAN 3: What is it?
RYAN: It's menthol.
WOMAN 2: No.
WOMAN 3: What is that smell?
WOMAN 2: It smells.
WOMAN 3: It's him!
WOMAN 2: He smells!
WOMAN 3: Yes, he stinks.
RYAN: No, I do not. I was working out.
WOMAN 2: You smell.
WOMAN 3: You smell really bad.
-You stink.
-RYAN: You want this back?
WOMAN 2: Yes, you do.
RYAN: No.
WOMAN 2: You smell!
Get out of the car!
RYAN: Come on.
WOMAN 3: Get out of the car.
RYAN: Let's go.
WOMAN 3: Get out.
WOMAN 2: You smell.
WOMAN 3: Get out.
WOMAN 2: He smells.
RYAN: Come on!
It's just a banana. Hey.
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville,
and we're at the Sunset Ranch
in Hollywood,
and we have over one ton of horse poo
gathered in a ring about 10 by 10 feet.
Now, I'm about to draw names
to see who will battle each other
in the poo joust.
Okay, I'm gonna
quickly run through the rules.
There aren't any rules.
Bunny versus Jeff.
JOHNNY: (ON BULLHORN)
Come on, Jeff.
Don't let me down, dude.
(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)
All right, Kosick versus Wee Man.
JOHNNY: Hit him in the face.
Get him, Rick.
Yeah!
The next match is Knoxville,
that would be me, and Cliver.
Winners' bracket, round one.
Bunny versus Wee Man.
Jeff versus Cliver.
Winners' bracket, round two.
Yeah!
Wee Man versus Jeff.
(JEFF GRUNTS)
For the championship bout,
the fences, these cinder blocks,
the pole, everything is removed.
It's mano a mano. I will be reffing.
This is winner-take-all.
Here we go.
One, two...
Very funny.
CHRlS: I'd like to thank
all the guys at the gym
who helped me out, spotting me.
This trophy, this lovely trophy,
is for the winner, Bunny.
CHRlS: Yeah! Yeah!
Okay, today I'm gonna go try
to pick out a mattress for myself,
but it's kind of a bad time,
because I have to urinate really bad.
I like this mattress right here.
Can I try it out?
-Help yourself. You can lay on these.
-Okay, let me...
Everything has tags on them.
It feels really good.
It's really comfortable.
Oh, boy. Oh, my...
-Are you all right?
-Oh, dude.
-MAN: What are you doing?
-Dude.
I just... I'm sorry.
I have a deviated septum, and...
SALESMAN: Don't be sorry.
I understand.
Is there something I can do
to help you out?
No, I'm sorry. It's a medical condition.
-Okay.
-I need a towel.
(LAUGHlNG) I'm still going.
-Quit laughing.
-MAN: That's a long piss.
You stink so bad.
CAMERAMAN: That's no good.
-SALESMAN: You doing okay, buddy?
-JOHNNY: All right, l...
-ls there a trash can?
-Yeah.
If you want to come back
and refresh yourself,
-you can use our restroom.
-Okay, thank you for your help.
Okay, man. I hope you're feeling better.
-Thanks, man, I'm sorry.
-Don't worry about it.
CAMERAMAN: Dude,
the best part about it
is that you squeezed it out,
and then he shook your hand.
CAMERAMAN: He's coming.
He's coming, man.
JOHNNY: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
CAMERAMAN: That was piss
in your face, dude. Piss in your face.
JOHNNY: (LAUGHlNG)
That's got piss on it, too.
Okay, we're even.
-CAMERAMAN: That's terrible.
-Oh, my God.
I'm feeling haggard.
CAMERAMAN: Do you feel the urine
just crawling into your pores?
Yeah.
Dude, that was his urine, like,
in your face, dude.
That's, like, his insides
on your outsides,
but they're... Wash it out of there.
You got to get him back, dude.
JOHNNY: I'm sorry, man.
Nice job, watch Jamie's angle.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
JOHNNY: You got an ass full of piss.
-JOHNNY: Is it gonna ruin your suit?
-No.
BAM: Happy birthday, cuz.
Today we're going out to face
the man-eating sharks.
We want to show them
that we're not gonna hurt them.
They'll be our friends
and let us give them a hug.
I'll be honest with you.
There is a certain amount
of element of danger here.
These are wild animals.
They are sharks. They do bite,
and they have bitten people before.
The main thing you've got
to watch out for is your hand movement.
Don't pull on his tail
or anything like that.
So keep your hands
pretty much in close or around.
Keep it away from the mouth.
-CAMERAMAN: Have you ever been bit?
-Never by a shark.
Steve-O, that's probably
the most unattractive thing
I've ever seen in my life.
You look like you have
Jimmy Durante's nose in your pants.
Today we're going after
the great white tiger shark.
It's one of the most
fiercest sharks in the ocean.
MAN: Make a little chum soup
here for them.
Put a little... That's it.
Let's start the appetizer.
Open your eyes.
(GARGLlNG)
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
BAM: We're gonna try to give them a hug
and love pats and whatever we can.
MAN: You look like
a bi-curious superhero in that mask.
CAMERAMAN: You got bit?
Steve-O got bit. Imagine that.
STEVE-O: I think we got
some pretty sweet footage on that.
JOHNNY: Is it just a little nudge,
or are you gonna lose a finger?
-Yeah, I don't think it's too bad.
-MAN: Can you have a seat for me?
STEVE-O: I hope I got
footage of getting bit.
I got all kinds of footage
humping sharks.
MAN: What led
to the shark biting your finger?
I don't know.
MAN: Did it have anything to do
with you humping the shark?
STEVE-O: It could have.
JOHNNY: Do you feel victorious
or defeated, Steve-O?
I mean, for not losing a finger,
I'd say it's a major victory, you know?
I don't know a lot of people
who have been bitten by a shark.
(ENGlNE STARTS)
CAMERAMAN: Take that...
Yo, Chris, take it off.
(CAMERAMAN LAUGHlNG)
Hey, hey, I'll take that.
Hi, I'm Steve-O, and I'm the friendly
neighbourhood urinal.
MAN 1: Oh, there he is!
MAN 2: Steve-O!
Hey, anybody got to take a leak?
-Line up in front of Steve-O.
-Do it on Steve-O.
-Thank you, man. Thank you, man.
-Yeah, no problem.
This is my old friend, Jason.
(CROWD WHOOPlNG)
Yeah, my man. Come on over here.
STEVE-O: Hey, you got to go?
MAN 3: You got to pee?
STEVE-O: You got to pee?
MAN 3: Come here and take a piss, man.
Don't you feel the pressure
in your bladder?
Hey, Steve-O, juniper scent.
Yeah!
Yeah!
-You got facilities for a number two?
-MAN 3: You gotta go number two?
I think we could probably work out
a number two.
MAN 3: Anybody got
a number two in them?
MAN 1: We need one for his head.
MAN 2: Probably have to just
tuck your head down.
Here, put a pillow over on this side.
Heads up.
MAN 1: You ready?
(GROANlNG)
MAN 1: Get him back up.
MAN 2: Wait, which is...
Is this the top or the bottom?
-Are you okay?
-No, I'm not.
That really hurt.
I want to see the playback.
MAN 1: At one point, it just took off.
Like, you actually got airborne.
Welcome to Jackass.
MAN: Three, two, one, fire!
(LAUGHlNG)
Come wash my back.
Well, I'm Johnny Knoxville,
United States of America,
and I'll be doing a little article
on self-defence equipment.
I'm going to start off by spraying myself
with red pepper spray.
It's the highest concentration
you can get,
followed by a 120,000-volt stun gun,
and then I'll be getting shot
with a Taser gun, 50,000 volts,
for roughly around 30 seconds.
This right here
is where the hooks come out, I guess.
Hit me!
(COUGHS)
(GROANlNG)
-Oh, my God.
-Give me the fucking towel.
Fucking hell.
I feel like my eyes have gonorrhoea.
(GRUNTlNG)
I won't put anything in my eyes, man.
MAN: I don't think we should let him
put anything in his face.
-JASON: Knox, do you want the water?
-No.
MAN: Some gasoline.
JASON: Spray you down?
JASON: Dive in the pool.
(SPlTS)
JASON: Would that stop an assailant?
JOHNNY: That would stop
a fucking freight train.
(BUZZlNG)
Charge!
(BUZZlNG)
(SCREAMS)
Fuck!
(SHUTTER CLlCKlNG)
(MOANS)
There's really no marks left.
That's where you got me.
JASON: Do you want
to do that one again?
JOHNNY: No.
Weren't you on 90210 not too long ago?
(SCREAMlNG)
Fucking hell!
No, quit. Fuck. No, Jas.
Jason, put it down.
I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.
-JASON: Here, do it to yourself.
-No... Fuck!
-Put it on top of your heart.
-That would hurt.
That one's been...
That was worse than the stun gun.
MAN: lt'll get infected.
JASON: Damn, I can't handle that.
MAN: Yeah, that's pretty nasty.
(JOHNNY GROANS)
-JASON: So what was more effective?
-The pepper spray is the worst by far.
Like, the stun gun, you get up again
-in a few seconds.
-JASON: But it knocks you down.
And the Taser gun, yeah, that sucked.
MAN: You guys want to go
watch it on the TV?
Ryan Dunn
is getting tar and feathered right now.
-BAM: Hey, Ry.
-Yeah?
MAN: Dunn got feathered.
WOMAN: He got tarred and feathered.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
MAN: Ryan, look at me. Ryan.
I got tarred and feathered. I thought this
only went on in Bugs Bunny cartoons.
(LAUGHlNG)
MAN: Let's go, dude.
STEVE-O: Okay, dude.
I'm gonna grab me some food
for the team.
WOMAN: That's two medium Cokes,
small fries and cheeseburger.
MAN 1: Yes.
MAN 2: Go, go, go.
MAN 1: Is there ketchup in there?
(WHlSTLE BLOWS)
Hi, I'm Preston. This is the human raft.
Could you guys roll me over?
(CHEERlNG)
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
CAMERAMAN: Mount him.
You got to get on yourself.
MAN: (SlNGlNG) Row, row, row your raft
Gently down the stream
My man.
(LAUGHlNG)
Oh, Man.
Come on.
This is your mother advising you
to get on him.
-Yeah, Mom is...
-My mom's telling me to get on a guy.
Yeah.
It's not too bad
being a human raft, huh, there, buddy?
There's always the fringe benefits.
-lt has its moments.
-Yeah.
Hi, I'm Chef Dave, and I'm gonna make
an omelette for you today.
There'll be no need for any knives.
I'm going to process all the food myself.
The ingredients are very important.
A variety of peppers.
Mushrooms are always good
for an omelette.
I'm so hungry.
You cannot forget the eggs
when you're making an omelette.
Today we're gonna make
a three-egg omelette.
Got a little bit of shell in there.
Don't want that. That'll cut you right up.
Always add a little bit of milk
for fluffiness.
And cheese. I'd suggest
medium cheddar cheese. It's good.
(BELCHES)
(MAN LAUGHlNG)
The final ingredient is the eggs.
(SNlCKERlNG)
(RETCHES)
(VOMlTlNG)
(COUGHS)
In this case,
I've only seemed
to bring back up the eggs.
Don't fret. All you do is just try again.
(LAUGHlNG)
MAN 1: No.
STEVE-O: no, chuck the bottom up,
dude. You gotta.
Cooking is relaxing.
STEVE-O: Any second now,
I'm about to...
MAN 1: Biatch.
As you can see, the colours
are really blending together nicely.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
MAN 1: Just eat the shell, too,
you probably should.
-lt wasn't that bad at all.
-MAN 1: He's got it.
(MAN EXCLAlMS)
I think we have enough
for our omelette today.
Next step is to add it to the skillet here.
(MAN CACKLES)
MAN 1: Can you get us a close-up?
DAVE: Like I said, a medium heat
is best. Can you smell that?
It's getting there.
It's getting there, that's for sure.
And there's not enough
to feed everybody,
but I would like to call one volunteer out
from the audience to try a little bit.
-Would anybody...
-STEVE-O: I'd say I'm a little bit hungry.
DAVE: All right, come on up here, man.
I think you're gonna really enjoy this.
MAN 1: Yeah.
It's hot. It's hot, watch out.
You want to blow it off a little.
I bet it's really no big deal.
MAN 1: Eat it. Chew. Chew.
MAN 2: Swallow that.
MAN 1: Chew.
MAN 2: You got to swallow it. Swallow it.
-MAN 2:You're being a sissy.
-Come on, I cooked that.
-MAN 1: Come on, eat the whole thing.
-MAN 2: No.
-I cooked that for you.
-MAN 2: That's rude if you puke it up.
Don't... Do not.
I puke it up 'cause I'm cooking.
-MAN 2: Eat more, dude.
-No, no.
(LAUGHlNG)
MAN 1: Hold on one second.
Don't do anything. Yeah, do it.
MAN 2: Don't let Jeff's presence
deter you from puking.
(MAN EXCLAlMlNG)
I swear, dude,
it's not your omelette, dude.
It's just the idea of your omelette.
MAN 2: Don't you puke on the chef.
Don't you puke on either of the chefs.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
I'm out of here, man. That's fucked.
MAN 1: Oh, my God, dude.
MAN 2: Hey, Dunn, what's up?
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
MAN 2: Oh, my God!
Hey, my name's Chief Roberts,
and the only thing I love more
than messing around with horses
is messing around
with my cowboy friends.
(WHOOPlNG)
JOHNNY: This is
the shockwave collar mike.
It's a fenceless dog collar,
and what happens is,
you put this around your neck,
and when you overstep the wire
boundaries, it administers a shock.
(SNlCKERlNG)
(BUZZlNG)
(EXCLAlMS lN PAlN)
JEFF: Did it work?
JOHNNY: Okay, come here.
(BUZZlNG)
(SCREAMlNG)
-Get it off. Get it off.
-JOHNNY: (LAUGHlNG) Come here.
Now, Jeff and I and Pontius
have tried it out,
and we're going to convince Kosick
that this is a piece of audio equipment.
Unbeknownst to him,
he's gonna be shocked,
and probably pretty angry.
MAN: Who should have the mike?
Who's gonna wear the mike?
I think Rick should wear it, because
Rick's gonna be the closest to you.
I think Rick's the...
JOHNNY: I think you'll
have better sound.
JEFF: Put the headphones on.
JOHNNY: Yeah, put the headphones on.
-ls it really tight, though?
-It's tight, but it'll work better.
-Hold on.
-I don't hear nothing.
(BUZZlNG)
Stop it, now. Stop it. Stop it.
JEFF: I'm sorry.
Don't do that. Don't do that.
JOHNNY: Dude, that's an expensive...
That's an expensive piece of equipment.
-Stop. Stop. Stop.
-JOHNNY: It's the PX-1.
Who wants some?
Knoxville?
-JOHNNY: I had nothing to do with that.
-Yeah, right.
I really had nothing to do with that, Rick.
-That's bull...
-Nothing to do with that.
JOHNNY: That was all Jeff's idea.
Your neck goes like this...
Like, just this crazy pain.
I don't wish upon any animal
to be wearing that stupid thing.
That's just pure torture.
Whoever invented it
should just be burned in hell.
-It's torture.
-MAN: Are we out of here?
-What the...
-That one hurt.
MAN: What's up, mister?
What's your name?
My name's Satan, and...
I don't even know what I'm doing here.
I should have stayed down in hell
where I belonged.
-Where are you now, Satan?
-I'm in California,
and there's a big problem with God here
in California. He's everywhere.
Keep God out of California.
Fire doesn't burn if you're already dead.
Keep God out of California.
Don't listen to these people.
They're liars. You might know of me
from that book that you read,
but those things
that were written about me aren't true.
For one thing,
God didn't invent circumcisions. I did.
Keep God out of California.
I'm not a bad guy.
All that stuff that they wrote about me
was a lie.
Jesus did not invent the circumcision.
I did. The devil himself.
Don't hate the player, hate the game.
I'm actually a pretty nice guy
if you get to know me.
-God bless you.
-God didn't bless me.
He wrote a bunch of fibs about me.
(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)
Hi, girls.
-I'm the devil.
-Are you being sarcastic?
-What's that mean?
-No.
They threw me from heaven
'cause they were jealous
that I invented the circumcision.
God was spying on me
while I was in the bathroom,
and he took the idea from me.
If you read it... You can read about it
in Genesis 18, but it's a complete lie.
So I'm just here to clear my name.
I'm a nice man.
-Fuck you, man.
-I'm a nice man, sir.
You want to fucking die
right here, fucker?
Get the fuck out
of my fucking sight, dude.
I came here...
Get the fuck out of my fucking sight,
you motherfucker.
-That's not Christian.
-I'll fucking murder your ass right here.
WOMAN: Hey, stop!
Hey, hey, hey, bitch.
Get the fuck off him.
Get the fuck off him.
MAN: Get the fuck off him.
You crazy motherfucker.
CHRlS: That's not
a Christian thing to do.
Psycho.
RYAN: Whoa.
MAN: Home run.
RYAN: Watch out. Watch out.
MAN: Shit!
BRlAN: It's a 12-inch
diesel-powered chipper.
It's a 200-horsepower unit.
It feeds the material
in the back of this unit
and disperses it out the chute.
I'm Ryan Dunn, and I'm about
to have fun with the woodchipper.
BAM: Hey, Ryan,
doesn't that look familiar?
I think he's trying to say
I got a small wiener.
Strawberry milk.
Let's try something mellow first.
(GRlNDlNG)
What are these? Gross.
He's gonna hate this.
Dude, the squid hurt so much worse
than anything else.
RYAN: What was that?
MAN: It was the frozen turkey.
Oh, my God. Look at that.
That just came out of my head.
BAM: Dude, you smell like hot trash.
(SNlCKERlNG)
(LAUGHlNG)
(GROANS)
MAN: Dude, I'm sorry.
-Hi, I'm Steve-O.
-And I'm Ehren,
and we're here downtown
'cause we're the best damn
football players ever to hit the city.
-Yeah, no more JV for us.
-No way, baby.
We're hitting the street, yeah!
(STEPHANlE CHEERS)
STEPHANlE: Touchdown.
(STEPHANlE WHOOPS)
WOMAN: Oh, my goodness.
EHREN: Fumble!
STEPHANlE: Touchdown.
Go blue and red, yeah!
(STEPHANlE WHOOPS)
Hey, do you know where this place,
like, the Pink Flamingo...
(GROANS)
EHREN: Is this where
the valet parking's at?
I just got done with a game.
(LAUGHlNG)
MAN 1: Move forward.
MAN 2: Look at the steam.
MAN 1: There's a foot of turd hanging
out of your ass. That's disgusting.
MAN 1: That's sickening.
MAN 3: Shit, here comes the deuce.
MAN 1: Wait, let me shoot pool.
MAN 1: That's disgusting.
Dude, wipe your ass.
MAN 2: It's steaming.
MAN 3: It was fucking steaming.
Steamed dumplings.
MAN 1: It's so cold out,
I can almost crack this.
MAN 2: That was disgusting.
That was so sick.
(SlNGlNG)
Hi, Oompa Loompa.
Thanks, buddy.
-My name is Richard.
-Richard?
MAN 1: Put some shit on his nose.
MAN 2: Fuck this...
(LAUGHlNG)
MAN 1: Dude, you...
MAN 2: I was trying to get in on the party.
So we're in Knoxville, Tennessee,
outside of Eddie's Auto Parts.
Now, the owner is a friend
of my father's named Eddie Harvey.
He's got a really short temper,
and we're gonna send Dimitry in there
with a Russian accent
to see how long it takes him to get hot.
DlMlTRY: Who is Eddie? I need help.
-DlMlTRY: You Eddie?
-You need a tape?
DlMlTRY: No, I need help, we say.
My car, she break, down street.
You want the mechanic?
DlMlTRY: No. Eddie.
MAN: That's Eddie.
DlMlTRY: Who's Eddie? You're Eddie?
I need spark plug or something.
-DlMlTRY: How much?
-I ain't charging you nothing.
I said I was gonna give it to you.
DlMlTRY: I need more.
What if break again?
-One, one to a customer.
-DlMlTRY: Come on, you give me free,
but it's free headache.
I got $1, but I need more than one.
I give you $4 for two.
You give me three more dollars
or you're...out of luck.
DlMlTRY: I have rubles.
You take rubles? I bring you dollars.
DlMlTRY: Dude, he didn't get mad at all.
-Nothing happened.
-What did he say?
He was gonna let me walk out of there
with four spark plugs for $1.
Go back in and try to get him hotter.
DlMlTRY: Okay, I find money.
You give me spark plug.
I need... You sell engine?
Maybe new engine I need.
Yeah, well, I don't know what you need.
I can't understand. I'm not...
Hell, I can't understand nothing
but the damn English language.
I don't know nothing about...
(DlMlTRY SPEAKlNG RUSSlAN)
It won't start, hell, put some gas in it.
You're probably out of gas.
-DlMlTRY: Okay, give me some gas.
-What have you been used to,
running a damn bicycle,
riding a bicycle all the time?
-DlMlTRY: No, it's car, four wheels.
-Hell, when you get in a car,
-you got to put gas in them.
-DlMlTRY: Okay, give me gas...
-Pound, one pound of gas.
-Gas don't come by the...damn pound.
It comes by the gallon.
You want a gallon of gas...
-What is it? You want a gallon of gas...
-DlMlTRY: I need to go 50 kilometres.
How much gas I need?
(PHONE RlNGS)
Pick up phone. I pick up.
Hello, Eddie Auto. How I help you?
I sue you.
MAN: Well, get
your ass out of here, then.
A dead man can't sue nobody.
DlMlTRY: What you talk, "A dead man"?
Where you going?
-A dead man can't sue you for nothing...
-DlMlTRY: Come on, help me.
What, you gonna hit me?
You can't hit me.
I'm gonna hit you, by God, if you stand
right there where I can reach you.
DlMlTRY: Here, reach me. You can't
hit me. You can't hit me, come on.
-You need to help me with car.
-Put your damn hand out there.
-DlMlTRY: You're too slow.
-Put it out there.
DlMlTRY: Hello, Eddie, Eddie.
Help me, Eddie.
I sit on chair till you come start car.
-No, a chair, I need chair.
-Get your ass out of here.
DlMlTRY: No, I need... I take this chair.
-...damn it.
-I need chair.
-Get the...out of here.
-I need chair.
-I'm not...
-I need chair.
-You little...
-Start car. I take bat.
-Now, get out the damn door.
-I need start car.
-Get out the door!
-Who are you? You're not Eddie.
I call police on you,
Eddie and no-name friend.
-Get the hell out of here.
-DlMlTRY: I need you start my car.
You start my car.
Come on.
You start car.
Come on, what, you gonna get me?
You stupid son of a bitch.
You want me to come down there?
Hi, I'm Steve-O.
I'm somewhere in Louisiana.
Right now, I'm about
to get my ass kicked by crawfish.
MAN 1: How bad do these hurt
when they get a good pinch on you?
MAN 2: Well, depends on
if you get one like that one.
MAN 2: See how its claw's like that?
STEVE-O: Whoa, dude, yeah.
We didn't feed them for three days,
so they'd be hungry.
MAN 1: That's gonna feel kind of funny
going down your pants.
It's not gonna get worse, dude.
This is probably gonna be the equivalent
of doing a Pete Rose slide
through fricking thorn bushes.
MAN 3: See, that's about what they do.
They really don't let go.
MAN 1: That thing's gonna kill you.
And this is the crawfish diaper.
MAN 1: And some in the front.
Are they biting?
(SCREAMS)
Where? Where's he biting?
He's clamped on to my butt cheek, dude.
(SCREAMlNG CONTlNUES)
Okay, I think I'm done, man.
MAN 1: They almost bit you
on Your Name, dude. What do you think?
I think that sucked.
As soon as Kosick
comes out of the pharmacy,
he's gonna get antiqued by Ehren.
Bastard's on crutches, too.
RlCK: Fuck.
MAN: He's so pissed.
-He's just so angry.
-Can't turn your fucking face
for one second.
MAN: Oh, my God.
EHREN: I just got to do...
I just got to do... I...
Going to play a little golf today.
MAN: Hey, bub. Hey, no, no, no, no.
JOHNNY: One second, one second.
I'm swinging.
MAN 1: Hey, bub.
Hey, bub, you've gotta take
them golf clubs and them balls
-and go somewhere else.
-Well, I got to practise my shots.
Then you're gonna have
to go somewhere else to do it.
-The driving range isn't open today.
-Well, this is not a driving range, bub.
This is a miniature golf course.
Well, I know,
but I got to practise my swings.
-Hey, bub, hey.
-Watch out, watch out, watch out!
-Here, you need to...
-No, no, no, those are expensive clubs.
-You need to take these clubs...
-Just let me finish my game.
-No, bub.
-I got three holes left.
-No, bub.
-I got three holes left.
I don't care if you got 33 left, okay?
You need to take your clubs and go.
-Just a couple more shots.
-Hey, bub.
Just a couple more shots.
If I have to,
I'm gonna call the law on you, bub.
I haven't done anything.
Hooked it. You made me hook it.
Watch out.
I don't want to swing with you here.
I don't want you to get hit.
Here, wait. Wait.
I don't want you to get hit.
-Hey.
-Wait. Wait. Wait. Watch out. Fore!
MAN 2: Hey, watch it!
-Bub, I got the clubs.
-Here, let me have my clubs.
-Let's go.
-Come on.
-Let's go.
-Oh, here, good.
-Hey.
-Wait. Wait. Wait.
-Stand back. Stand back.
-Hey, bub, hey!
-Stand back! Fore!
-Hey!
-Come on, let me have my clubs.
-Can't do that here, bub.
Come on, those are my expensive clubs.
-Well, come on...
-My mom gave me those clubs.
Hey, you need to take these and go.
-Come on, let's go.
-Come on, just let me finish my round.
I got eight balls left.
-Buddy, you cannot do that here.
-Come on, I got eight balls left.
Just one more time.
Bub, you can't hit
the golf clubs over there.
It's a golf course. It says a golf course.
It's for this
little miniature golf course, bub.
-It's not to hit way over yonder, okay?
-God.
-Come on.
-Are you gonna charge me a caddy fee?
-MAN: Hurt?
-What?
-Yes.
-MAN: It's funny.
God, no!
MAN 1: Too hard?
God, these emus are going around.
They're breeding like rabbits
and they're killing people.
A lot of nature hosts try to have
more of a Zen thing with the animals.
Not me.
I want to prove to these guys
that I am stronger than them.
I'm faster.
I've got greater animal instincts.
And I myself am an animal.
-He's looking at me.
-MAN: He likes you, boy.
CHRlS: The tips of their claws
contain a poison
most scientists compare to the sting
of 1, 000 black widows,
and you're looking at an animal
with two or three toes. I don't know.
I mean, that's a lot of black widows.
You do the math.
The best time to catch an emu
is when he's freaked out.
-That's when he'll put up a decent fight.
-MAN 2: Well, then, don't run after him.
There it is. There it is! You got him.
You got him. You got him.
Open the gate.
CHRlS: You got to show these animals...
MAN 2: Lock him in! You're the boss!
CHRlS:...that you are the boss,
and, you know,
maybe if you feel attracted to them,
you could get
a little pleasure from them.
I'm not gonna do that right now, all right.
MAN 1: Yeah, emu hunter.
MAN 2: The emu hunter.
Nice job, dude. That's good.
-Have you done that before?
-Yeah, they're pretty mellow.
-They're not too bad, dude.
-That wasn't bad at all.
Well, that was the most intense thing
I've done in years.
Hey, we're gonna do the milk challenge,
and we're gonna try to drink
a gallon of milk in one hour
or, actually, as fast as we can.
Kristin is on white milk,
I'm on brown milk,
and Ehren is on pink milk.
Cheers.
Yummy.
-How does it taste?
-My stomach's starting to reject it.
Oh, God.
Sorry.
(GROANS)
Damn it.
How did you drink that much milk
and you're not puking?
-She's gonna do it.
-EHREN: It's impossible.
MAN: I don't think so.
Isn't it cold?
Is yours cold when it comes up?
Mine was, like, ice cold when it...
It's the weirdest feeling,
puking cold puke.
-I gotta take a shit pretty bad.
-So do l.
I'm gonna poop.
Oh, my God.
MAN: Show me
the empty container. Yeah.
MAN: Gross.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
DAVE: Dude, you missed the bucket.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
STEVE-O: Yeah, dude.
-MAN: Johnny, what happened?
-I twisted my ankle a little bit yesterday.
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville
and I'm going to get an x-ray.
I'm Mary Lynn, the volunteer.
I was trying to jump a river
on a pair of roller skates.
-DOCTOR: Stay just like this.
-So the show's going good so far.
(CLANGlNG)
MAN: What are you doing?
DOCTOR: You've got
quite a sprain there,
and you've got a lot of healing to do.
-Okay.
-So we'll put you in an air splint here,
see if you can tolerate that.
We'll put you on crutches.
I'll copy your x-rays for you,
and I don't think you're doing stunts
for several weeks.
My name's Bunny,
and I'm the lifeguard here at the river,
and although Mr Knoxville
is a professional skater,
he's not a professional swimmer,
and my job is to make sure
that guy doesn't get himself killed.
My name is Johnny Knoxville,
and today I'm gonna jump the LA river
on roller skates.
JOHNNY: Help me! Help!
CHRlS: Buddy, I got you.
Okay, I'm gonna try and jump it again
without the ramp.
JOHNNY: Oh, man,
I might have broke my ankle.
That guy right there is the best damn
roller skater there ever was.
Maybe in the whole town.
I'm...
I think my ankle's broke.
If that jump costed him his career,
I don't know who's gonna step forward
to fill his skates.
I'll tell you that much right now.
-I almost made it.
-You were close on that second one.
You were about 5 feet short.
You were about 5 feet short
of a 10-feet jump.
I'm with Raab Himself,
and he's gonna be biking his naked ass
down the middle of High Street.
-Forward or back?
-CAMERAMAN: Back.
Okay.
I like to call this one "Hand Off."
Can you guys come here?
I was just jacking up my car,
and it fell on my hand.
(SCREAMlNG)
EHREN: It's not going anywhere.
Hey, hold on. I got my keys.
They're right... I think I locked them
in the car right there.
No, ma'am, it's okay.
I think we're gonna get it here.
I think we'll get it. No, it's just... It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
(EHREN SCREAMlNG)
MAN 1: Pop the jack underneath.
MAN 2: I don't know where the...
MAN 1: Okay, we're gonna do
a concentrated lift right now.
EHREN: He's got the jack. He's got it.
Can you rub my back a little?
(EHREN SCREAMlNG)
MAN 1: Call 911.
EHREN: No, no, please, don't call 911.
EHREN: I know...
MAN 2: Breathe deep, buddy.
MAN 2: Take it easy. Take it easy.
MAN 1: I just made bubbles.
I think we're all in agreement.
For five minutes, anything goes.
What happens underwater
stays underwater.
MAN 1: Gentlemen, start your engines.
MAN 2: Gentlemen, start your engines.
Don't get the raging hard-on in here.
I'm Raab Himself,
and this is skeet shooting.
MAN: Pull.
(PAlNTBALL GUNS FlRlNG)
I got hit on my ankle.
Did you see how fast I was running?
I was like a cheetah.
Someone got me in the head.
WOMAN: Huge welts.
RAAB:...damn, that hurt.
RAAB: Nobody hit the bull's-eye.
MAN 1: Get the rest of it.
CAMERAMAN: Whose shirt is that?
MAN 2: Pontius'.
MAN 1: Get the rest of it.
MAN 2: Yeah,
make sure you get the rest of it.
CAMERAMAN: Oh, shit.
Four minutes left on tape, but oh, shit.
MAN 1: You can't...
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Oh, shit.
X-Y. X-Y.
-Hey, while we're being idiots...
-CAMERAMAN: Come on, run up on it.
MAN 1: Shit. Shit.
-Oh, my...
-Yeah!
Hi, I'm Steve-O,
and this is extreme unicycling.
(SCREAMlNG)
Let's do it.
MAN: Dude. There he is!
MAN: Whoa, my man is on.
He's cool. I like him.
I'll be watching Jackass.
It hurt me.
I knew I was completely finished
when I did the cement slide.
That's so special.
Can I get
the Lard Na vegetarian, please?
Okay.
Okay, great.
No.
-Excuse me, sir?
-Yes?
I ordered a vegetarian dish,
and there's some kind of sausage in it.
WAlTER: Really?
Look at that. There's more there.
Really? Let me see.
-Smell that. It smells horrible.
-Very hot.
It... This was in my... It looks like poo.
What, that one?
-WAlTER: Yeah, bean... It's a bean.
-WOMAN: Bean?
-This is a bean?
-WAlTER: Yeah.
-Let me try, okay? I don't know...
-What kind of bean is this?
Is this, like,
an Arkansas-type steamer bean or...
WAlTER: Sometimes the...
It's, like, one of these things?
Yeah, and that... That...
They put the whole thing.
I don't know what he got.
-That's a pretty big bean.
-WAlTER: Yeah.
-Sorry... Didn't see it before.
-That's all right. That's okay.
Did you figure out
what was on that plate?
I can't figure it out what is that, but we...
JOHNNY: It was a bean curd...
No, yeah, don't... Yeah.
WOMAN: Somebody put it inside it.
We never cook like that.
Never ever happened like that before.
Nothing fell out
when you leaned over or anything?
-Never.
-Never. Never.
JOHNNY: Okay, you guys have
a good night.
-WAlTRESS: Hello.
-Hi, how are you?
Do you have a vegetable noodle dish?
WAlTRESS: You don't want meat, right?
JOHNNY: Yes, no meat.
This looks good. Thank you.
WAlTRESS: We have Cantonese, too.
-Excuse me, ma'am?
-WAlTRESS: Yes?
I ordered a vegetarian dish.
Can you get the manager for me?
This looks like it has sausage in it.
-WAlTRESS: What is that?
-I don't know, but it smells.
WAlTRESS: I don't know
where it come from.
-What is that?
-ls that bok choy?
WAlTRESS: I don't know?
What is that, like, a...
MAN: No, no, no, no.
WAlTRESS: Let me see.
No, no, no. What? What?
No, no, that's my newspaper.
-WAlTRESS: Yeah, I know, let me see.
-That's my private property.
-WAlTRESS: Please let me see.
-I'm feeling very cornered.
I'm feeling very cornered.
-WAlTRESS: No, if you let me see...
-No, I'm feeling very cornered.
No, there's your money.
-There's your money.
-WAlTRESS: I'm gonna call the police.
Oh, my God.
Come on now. Come on now.
Let's go to the sporting goods store
and play a little basketball.
(EHREN BLOWS WHlSTLE)
Game on. Jump ball.
Ready?
(BLOWlNG WHlSTLE)
RlCK: Foul, foul.
EHREN: That's a penalty.
(BLOWS WHlSTLE)
MAN: All right, that's enough.
I don't want you in here.
You either get out of here,
or I'm gonna do something
with that whistle
you're not gonna appreciate,
so please leave the store.
-This is...
-MAN: I want you out of the store.
Now. Now.
EHREN: We've got a serious game
of one-on-one.
MAN: Seriously, get out of here.
Get out of here, now.
I'm serious, get out.
-Where's the ball?
-Out.
-DAVE: Ball?
-We got no ball.
-All right, that's game. Good game.
-Thanks.
-You guys got any water here?
-No, let's go.
CAMERAMAN: Hey, where's next?
New game.
(BLOWS WHlSTLE)
(LAUGHlNG)
MAN: Go!
Oh, my God!
-CAMERAMAN: Are you okay?
-ls it broken, though?
CAMERAMAN: I don't know.
It looks all right. Oh, my God.
Hi, I'm Party Boy,
and this is extreme jacuzziing.
(STEVE-O GROANS)
-Good morning.
-Hi.
Wait. You cannot come in like that.
-Go out.
-What?
You cannot...
Go put on your pants. Go out.
-What... Can I just get some water?
-No, you can't.
-Please? I'm super thirsty.
-Go put... No!
-It's super hot outside.
-No, no, no, no. No, you can't.
Go put your pants on.
-I just... The water is right here.
-I don't care. Go out.
Excuse you.
Excuse you. Go out.
-I have to leave?
-Yes.
-No water?
-Put your pants on.
-Excuse me, go out.
-Okay, okay.
-Shame on you. Go, go, go out.
-Okay. I'm sorry. No water? Please?
-No water.
-Please?
Put your pants on, then come in.
You gotta wear pants.
She's freaking out. I don't know.
CASHlER: I can't believe that!
WOMAN: And where am l
branding you? Really?
We're rocking and rolling, okay?
(EXHALES)
All right, and like I said,
I'm not gonna give you a count.
(EXCLAlMS lN PAlN)
(GROANS)
Okay, good trouper.
Good trouper.
Shoot, we got a... What about...
Do we need to connect the dot there?
-We're gonna go in with this.
-So we're not done.
WOMAN: Okay.
(STlFLED GROANS)
Okay.
-I can really...
-CAMERAMAN: I can smell you.
-Yeah.
-WOMAN: We can smell you.
You don't smell as bad as some,
though, for sure.
-Okay, so you're branded.
-Right on. Let's party.
(ALL LAUGH)
-Crap.
-MAN: Oh, my God.
Are you okay? Are you all right?
Just give me a second. Just don't...
Don't touch me.
Fuck.
I just pissed my pants.
Dude, that's disgusting.
(LAUGHlNG) Man. Sick! No!
(CAMERAMAN LAUGHlNG)
So we're here in merry old England,
and Mr Pontius and l
overdid it a little last night,
and we're about to practise rugby
with the London lrish,
a professional rugby team.
I do not feel good.
They're pretty big boys.
CAMERAMAN: You get kicked
in the head a lot.
Baby's cold.
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville,
and this is rugby.
-CAMERAMAN: How's it going so far?
-Good.
This guy's crazy.
MAN: Don't fall.
WOMAN: Oh, my God,
that's a piece of crap.
Yeah, Dave.
Hi, I'm Steve-O, and I'm about
to get run over by an airboat.
(MONKEY CHATTERlNG)
(WOMEN SCREAMlNG)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
(MAN YELLS)
MAN: Holy...
BARTENDER: Get the hell out of here!
What's up, dawg?
What's going on, man?
What you doing out here
doing this for, man?
Ain't nothing like a drunk monkey, man.
...damn.
(HORSE NElGHlNG)
I'm Rick Kosick. I'm a wild buck,
and I smell a little doe in heat.
(LAUGHlNG)
JOHNNY: What did you put on me?
-Get up!
-What is that?
JOHNNY: You're fucking naked!
You're fucking naked!
I am so defenceless.
Get off of me.
CAMERAMAN: Let's hear that horsey.
Let's see it.
Make the horsey go. Wait, wait, wait.
Make the horsey go, Rick.
Dude, you heard the...
I hit my head pretty hard.
I'm Ehren McGhehey,
and this is the fire extinguisher.
-CAMERAMAN: Are you all right?
-lt went in my mouth.
Oh, my God.
JOHNNY: This is Rene Hoffman.
He owns
the Orlando Watersports Complex here,
where I'm gonna hopefully
be wakeboarding there today.
I'm very uncoordinated.
I can't even get up on a wakeboard
or skis up until this point in my life.
-Do you think you can get me up today?
-Well, we have even girls out here
-that do it, so...
-Are you calling me a girl?
CAMERAMAN: What's gonna happen
to Knoxville when he does it?
Either he'll go really far and eat shit,
or he won't go very far
and smash into the jump and eat shit.
-Either way he's eating shit?
-Yep.
I'm Johnny Knoxville.
I'm about to do some wakeboarding.
Shit!
Today we're gonna have
a pie-eating contest.
I'm gonna determine
whether the pie is done,
and you can put your hand on the pan,
but not on the pie,
and when you're finished,
you have to say "Ryan Dunn."
(BLOWS WHlSTLE)
Keep going, fat boy.
He's done it.
Ryan Dunn.
You're full of shit, bro.
MAN 1: I just jacked you up, man.
Guys, I'm in the mood for another one.
PHlL: Who the hell did that?
Phil is officially the winner.
He ate five pies.
Phil's the winner.
MAN 2: We've got a winner.
(GROANlNG)
-What's his name?
-Bam-Bam.
-Bam-Bam?
-Yeah.
Bam-Bam still has his claws, I see.
-How much does Bam-Bam weigh?
-MAN 1: He's close to 500 right now.
When he wrestles,
the more rambunctious you get,
the more rambunctious he'll get.
If I grabbed his bear...,
do you think he would attack?
I think he'd be very upset.
(GROWLS)
Just so you know,
when male bears fight each other,
-that's where they do go for.
-JOHNNY: They go for the goods?
-MAN 1: That's where they go.
-Do we have a cup?
MAN 1: You need this?
MAN 2: Not that one.
MAN 2: No? All right.
My name's Johnny Knoxville,
and this is bear wrestling.
Hi. How are you?
(GROWLlNG)
(JOHNNY GROANS)
MAN 1: Try to get up, John.
You can get up, come on.
JOHNNY: I can't
put any weight on my back.
MAN 1: Easy.
MAN 2: Easy, buddy.
MAN 1: That didn't look
like you were trying...
JOHNNY: (GROANS) My neck.
MAN 1: Take your hand away.
Move your hand.
Keep your hands away from him.
Use your elbows.
JOHNNY: He's all right, right now.
He tried to break my neck that time.
MAN 1: Okay, Bam, that's it.
Good boy. Good boy.
John, come on, get up.
He tried to snap my neck
a couple of times.
Yeah, he was trying to...
'Cause he would...
He was smart.
He'd get a grip and just rip.
CAMERAMAN: Barge it.
(ROARlNG)
(SCREAMlNG)
(PRESTON WHlSTLlNG)
(WEE MAN MAKES BABY NOlSES)
See the duckies?
Sorry, baby!
I'm sorry, little baby.
-That thing hurts.
-It's okay. It's okay, come on.
(CHUCKLlNG)
PRESTON: Come on, baby,
you want some? I didn't think so.
MAN: Hey, do you want to roll
down this hill real quick?
-No.
-MAN: Come on, dude. You'll make it.
-Just go look at it, dude.
-I can see it right here.
No, no, go...
Go up there and check it out.
-I don't want to get rolled down a hill.
-Why not?
-Because I said I don't.
-Did you even look at it?
-No, but I don't need to.
-Why not?
-Because I don't need to.
-You don't want to do something
that might look good on TV?
You don't want to do that?
Okay, then, I thought... Never mind.
Let's go, come on.
Don't be mad, dude.
I just wanted to get something funny.
-Well, I didn't want...
-You don't think that would be funny?
-Yeah, but I don't want to do it.
-ls this shoot over?
Yeah, what did you want out of it?
We got whatever, you know?
-Are you mad?
-At you.
-Why?
-Because you're an asshole.
Why?
Come on, dude, don't be mad.
I'm good already, all right?
I'm already scraped up. I feel fine.
-You're scraped up? Let me see.
-All right, and my... So, cool.
This was the stupidest thing ever.
All right, so good.
-I'm done with it.
-You don't look done.
MAN: What would you prefer?
WOMAN: Is there meat
in the second one?
No, there isn't meat in the second one,
but the first one is totally made of meat.
Good God!
Thank you for your time.
(SlREN WAlLlNG)
(CHATTER OVER RADlO)
We're here in Buckingham, England,
with the Devil's Horsemen,
and we're about to have
the gladiator duels.
-Yeah!
-Let's get it on.
First action,
you go on the chariots, okay?
JOHNNY: Okay.
Chariots come in.
You come... You be there.
Let them there, you be there.
Master shot, they come in,
they pass through. We stop here.
When we stop here...
CAMERAMAN: What the hell's
he talking about?
-This guy's a nut.
-...each other. All right?
-Okay.
-Okay.
Did you understand
anything he just said?
CAMERAMAN:
I didn't understand a word.
JOHNNY: Mercy! Mercy! Spare me!
(EXCLAlMlNG)
-Come on, kill me. Kill me.
-MAN: Look at that.
Come on, Steve-O.
You got it.
Oh, my God.
That is so...
Where's your... Where's your bike?
(STEVE-O RETCHlNG)
MAN 1: Where's your bike?
CAMERAMAN: What do you think
motivates this guy?
God, if you're going to be dumb,
you better be tough.
MAN 2: Where's the unicycle?
MAN 3: You need the unicycle.
MAN 2: Dude, go get it.
MAN 3: Now you got to get back in
and get the unicycle.
Have you smelt that? It's poop.
MAN 2: Be careful.
JOHNNY: Holy... Look at his chin!
Oh, my God.
How did the unicycle stunt look?
This is Mike, our alligator wrangler.
-How you all doing out there?
-He's gonna be with us today.
We're gonna take this dead alligator
and go have some fun with it.
-Did it die from natural causes or...
-Yeah.
-That's good.
-Killed by another alligator.
-As natural as it gets.
-Notice the lifelike movement of the tail.
Let's go do it.
WOMAN: I'm sorry.
He's carrying a dead crocodile.
He's lost his mind.
CAMERAMAN: I know. It's funny.
WOMAN: He's crazy!
And why didn't you take a picture of it?
Excuse me. Watch out, sir. Watch out.
Watch out. Watch out.
Here, you want to pet it? Here, pet it.
Pet it. Pet it. Pet it. Pet it.
He's gonna hit me with the chair.
If you want, you can pet it.
You want to pet it?
Here, just try it. Come here!
You guys may want to step back
just a hair.
It's asleep.
You guys can pet it if you want.
-No, no, no, no.
-No?
Watch out. Watch out. Watch out.
You want to pet it?
Fuck, no.
You can touch it.
Gotcha!
(SCREAMS)
Ma'am, do you want to pet it? You sure?
It's asleep. It's in a sleep state. All right.
JOHNNY: Oh, God! Oh, God!
Do you want to pet it?
Here, want to pet it?
Here, you guys want to pet it? Come on!
Watch out.
-Yeah, can you guys resurrect it?
-Yeah.
Hey, Jamie, they're gonna resurrect it.
They're going to perform a resurrection.
WOMAN: In Jesus' name...
Dude, this sucks.
CAMERAMAN: The fact that you don't
skate isn't gonna make this pretty.
-Good job out there.
-Thanks.
Go hit the showers after this.
CAMERAMAN: Dude, you shouldn't
do this. You can't even stand...
You can't even stand up on that thing.
You shouldn't do this.
Why don't you go down,
practise a little bit down there,
and then come up here?
MAN 1: No, just do it, Johnny.
MAN 2: Yeah, just do it.
MAN 1: Don't let him
talk you out of it, man.
ALL: One, two, three!
(WHOOPlNG)
(CAMERAMAN LAUGHlNG)
(CHRlS WHOOPlNG)
Chief Roberts coming back
from the grave.
(WHOOPlNG)
(ALL GROANlNG)
STEVE-O: The chances of this working
are so minimal.
-CAMERAMAN: Later, dude.
-See you later.
God, God.
Listen, you little bitch, you little bitch.
-CAMERAMAN: What are you gonna do?
-I'm gonna try to make it in the hole.
Ready?
I'm Steve-O,
and I'm about to go get cursed.
The only time I've ever heard of it
is when people make dolls
of other people
so they can torture them.
WOMAN: Clarify your mind.
Don't worry about voodoo.
I've been banging myself up a lot
doing stunts,
and I think I need some healing.
Well, I guess you're being...
Then you're baptised, and...
Yeah, let me get baptised in my bikini.
There.
She has her way.
So this is... This is a baptism here?
Well, with the serpent.
-A baptism with a serpent.
-Yeah.
The only time I've ever heard of it
is when people make dolls
of other people
so they can torture them.
Being tortured
was the first state of humanity.
Bang-bang-bang myself,
and, yeah, it brings about great reality.
Oh, yeah, banging myself
brings about a great reality.
Is voodoo generally a violent industry?
You're supposed to jump up.
-See if you can get me in the butt.
-He loves the butt whip.
(MOANS)
-He's supposed to be jumping up.
-Yeah, that was a good one.
The whip take away all negativity,
bring order.
The whip brings order.
We're removing the negativity
with the whip.
Crawl around. Come around.
Yeah, really give it to me.
No.
Oh, yeah, that was a good one.
Oh, yeah, there we go.
This whip doesn't play.
(GROANS)
-Yeah, that was a good one.
-Oh, my God.
Yeah, there we go.
-CAMERAMAN: Are the bad spirits gone?
-Yeah, I think the bad spirits are gone.
Do you know
of any little markets around?
-Markets?
-Yeah.
What kind of markets?
(FARTlNG NOlSES)
-Like, you go down to La Cienega.
-Do I make a left or right at La Cienega?
Let's see, you make a left.
(FARTlNG NOlSES CONTlNUE)
What are you doing? Go away.
-CAMERAMAN: What happened?
-I don't know. He told me to go away.
He was, like, leaving farts.
-CAMERAMAN: He what?
-Hello, I'm eating. That's rude.
We're off Regent Street
in merry old England,
and we're about to play a little soccer.
-MAN 1: Football.
-Soccer.
-Football.
-Soccer.
Would you like to try a shot on goal?
Who's gonna try it?
Oh, shit. Throw me my ball.
Whoever gets a goal on me
gets to have a proper shag with me
around the corner.
Come on, governor.
Get it out.
Get that out of here!
Okay, here, we've got a professional.
Where'd that go?
For fuck's sake, give me a proper shot.
Not bad for a...Yankee.
All right, here we go.
MAN 2: Just shoot it.
(ALL CHEERlNG)
-What's that?
-Just watch the window, yeah?
Well, game to the United States.
-We got shut down.
-One more, one more.
We got shut down.
You know, I used to board slide
and come off over here.
Is this the immigration office?
(WOMAN SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)
I'm coming from a little bit
farther south than Mexico,
but I'm gonna need
some immigration service.
I'm gonna have to stay here for a while,
and I want to do it legally, by the books.
-Okay.
-CHRlS: You got any paperwork for me?
-Yeah, I do.
-CHRlS: All right.
-Have a seat.
-CHRlS: Don't be scared, miss.
I'm actually a nice guy.
I do sometimes get up to the devil's
business every now and then, though.
I'm Brandon, this is Bam,
and we're gonna have ourselves
a little cockfight out on the ice.
CAMERAMAN: Yo, yo, why don't you get
back here, you little hat-trick-ass bitch?
Get your ass over here.
I seen you in the red circle!
That's offside!
That's offside, you little...
You have something wrong with you?
Come on, bring it in here.
Bring it on!
Yeah, bitch!
MAN 1: The Wee Man.
MAN 2: Yeah, yeah.
Ho, ho, ho, can I get 100 pieces
of chicken and 100 Cokes to go?
Oh, Merry Christmas.
Santa's got a lot of damn chicken.
-Okay, bye-bye, merry Christmas.
-Thank you, Blanca.
Thank you, senor. Thank you, Carlos.
Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas,
little boys and girls.
Fried chicken and Cokes.
Merry Christmas.
-All right, thank you, thank you.
-Hey, merry Christmas.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
-Here we go.
-MAN: Wait, don't rush.
It's good.
JOHNNY: Come on, now.
There's enough for everybody.
Here we go!
Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah.
What do you want for Christmas?
-Say a Barbie doll.
-A Barbie doll?
-Merry Christmas.
-WOMAN: Say, "Thank you."
-MAN: Say, "Merry Christmas."
-JOHNNY: All right,
-what would you want, little girl?
-I wanted to tell you...
-You want to hug Santa like...
-No, I want a Barbie doll.
Okay, you get a Barbie doll, little girl.
-Can I have a turtle, too?
-You can have a turtle.
-That's all I want.
-All right,
-and a half a pint of...
-All I want is a turtle.
Okay, a turtle, a turtle.
Hey, Merry Christmas! Feliz Navidad!
(MEN CHUCKLlNG)
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
(GROANS)
WOMAN: Oh, my God.
MAN 1: Oh, my God!
MAN 2: I'm okay.
Hello, I am Pontius the Barbarian,
and today
we are at this Renaissance fair
to do some dragon slaying.
Hey, wenches.
-MAN: Ouch.
-They're royalty.
Not a problem.
Out of my way, old man.
Sir, I am a knight of this realm
in an era where,
if you shall insult a friend of mine
by calling him an old man,
you shall speak unto me,
and I shall speak harshly to you,
and my word shall carry more weight
than your armour.
-CHRlS: Could I trouble you for a...
-Do not insult yourself
with your lack of intelligence
and your ignorance.
Could I trouble you for a kiss, sir?
Hey, can I try some of those grapes?
Why, thank you.
Those aren't real.
Can I have some of that turkey?
Stop it, you little brats.
Hear ye, hear ye.
I'd like to give a demonstration
on how you kill a dragon.
The first thing you gotta remember
is the mouth.
These guys can breathe fire,
so stay away from it.
Look at the dragon!
Baby dragon! Baby dragon!
Kill him with your bow.
Get the baby dragon! Get him, come on!
Slay the baby dragon!
Slay the dragon!
Kill the baby dragon!
Kill that dragon!
-Kill that little dirty bastard!
-Get him!
MAN 1: Beheaded the dragon!
MAN 2: Oh, my God.
-He's dead.
-MAN 3: Bring out your dead.
Oh, my God. What the hell?
Sweet.
-Hi, I'm Rick Kosick.
-I'm Johnny Knoxville.
This is urban sledding.
(JOHNNY GROANS)
That hurt.
Look at my...
Is that my skidmark from my jacket?
JOHNNY: Let's try it down steps.
-JOHNNY: What time is it?
-It's time to go home, man.
(LAUGHlNG)
RYAN: Dude, that smells so...bad.
Let me see this.
You're gonna get it all wet,
then we've gotta wait
-for it to dry anyway.
-I'm not gonna get it wet.
-You're gonna pour it on me.
-I am not.
(RYAN EXCLAlMlNG)
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Where you guys going tonight?
Home.
-Home? Why home?
-It's the place to be.
Why are you guys going...
Can I go with you?
(WOMEN CHUCKLlNG)
WOMAN 2: Hello, hello, hello.
RYAN: Come on, come on, come on.
RYAN: Just a little one.
WOMAN 2: All right...
WOMAN 3: What is that smell?
That smells.
WOMAN 3: What is it?
RYAN: It's menthol.
WOMAN 2: No.
WOMAN 3: What is that smell?
WOMAN 2: It smells.
WOMAN 3: It's him!
WOMAN 2: He smells!
WOMAN 3: Yes, he stinks.
RYAN: No, I do not. I was working out.
WOMAN 2: You smell.
WOMAN 3: You smell really bad.
-You stink.
-RYAN: You want this back?
WOMAN 2: Yes, you do.
RYAN: No.
WOMAN 2: You smell!
Get out of the car!
RYAN: Come on.
WOMAN 3: Get out of the car.
RYAN: Let's go.
WOMAN 3: Get out.
WOMAN 2: You smell.
WOMAN 3: Get out.
WOMAN 2: He smells.
RYAN: Come on!
It's just a banana. Hey.
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville,
and we're at the Sunset Ranch
in Hollywood,
and we have over one ton of horse poo
gathered in a ring about 10 by 10 feet.
Now, I'm about to draw names
to see who will battle each other
in the poo joust.
Okay, I'm gonna
quickly run through the rules.
There aren't any rules.
Bunny versus Jeff.
JOHNNY: (ON BULLHORN)
Come on, Jeff.
Don't let me down, dude.
(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)
All right, Kosick versus Wee Man.
JOHNNY: Hit him in the face.
Get him, Rick.
Yeah!
The next match is Knoxville,
that would be me, and Cliver.
Winners' bracket, round one.
Bunny versus Wee Man.
Jeff versus Cliver.
Winners' bracket, round two.
Yeah!
Wee Man versus Jeff.
(JEFF GRUNTS)
For the championship bout,
the fences, these cinder blocks,
the pole, everything is removed.
It's mano a mano. I will be reffing.
This is winner-take-all.
Here we go.
One, two...
Very funny.
CHRlS: I'd like to thank
all the guys at the gym
who helped me out, spotting me.
This trophy, this lovely trophy,
is for the winner, Bunny.
CHRlS: Yeah! Yeah!
Okay, today I'm gonna go try
to pick out a mattress for myself,
but it's kind of a bad time,
because I have to urinate really bad.
I like this mattress right here.
Can I try it out?
-Help yourself. You can lay on these.
-Okay, let me...
Everything has tags on them.
It feels really good.
It's really comfortable.
Oh, boy. Oh, my...
-Are you all right?
-Oh, dude.
-MAN: What are you doing?
-Dude.
I just... I'm sorry.
I have a deviated septum, and...
SALESMAN: Don't be sorry.
I understand.
Is there something I can do
to help you out?
No, I'm sorry. It's a medical condition.
-Okay.
-I need a towel.
(LAUGHlNG) I'm still going.
-Quit laughing.
-MAN: That's a long piss.
You stink so bad.
CAMERAMAN: That's no good.
-SALESMAN: You doing okay, buddy?
-JOHNNY: All right, l...
-ls there a trash can?
-Yeah.
If you want to come back
and refresh yourself,
-you can use our restroom.
-Okay, thank you for your help.
Okay, man. I hope you're feeling better.
-Thanks, man, I'm sorry.
-Don't worry about it.
CAMERAMAN: Dude,
the best part about it
is that you squeezed it out,
and then he shook your hand.
CAMERAMAN: He's coming.
He's coming, man.
JOHNNY: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
CAMERAMAN: That was piss
in your face, dude. Piss in your face.
JOHNNY: (LAUGHlNG)
That's got piss on it, too.
Okay, we're even.
-CAMERAMAN: That's terrible.
-Oh, my God.
I'm feeling haggard.
CAMERAMAN: Do you feel the urine
just crawling into your pores?
Yeah.
Dude, that was his urine, like,
in your face, dude.
That's, like, his insides
on your outsides,
but they're... Wash it out of there.
You got to get him back, dude.
JOHNNY: I'm sorry, man.
Nice job, watch Jamie's angle.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
JOHNNY: You got an ass full of piss.
-JOHNNY: Is it gonna ruin your suit?
-No.
BAM: Happy birthday, cuz.
Today we're going out to face
the man-eating sharks.
We want to show them
that we're not gonna hurt them.
They'll be our friends
and let us give them a hug.
I'll be honest with you.
There is a certain amount
of element of danger here.
These are wild animals.
They are sharks. They do bite,
and they have bitten people before.
The main thing you've got
to watch out for is your hand movement.
Don't pull on his tail
or anything like that.
So keep your hands
pretty much in close or around.
Keep it away from the mouth.
-CAMERAMAN: Have you ever been bit?
-Never by a shark.
Steve-O, that's probably
the most unattractive thing
I've ever seen in my life.
You look like you have
Jimmy Durante's nose in your pants.
Today we're going after
the great white tiger shark.
It's one of the most
fiercest sharks in the ocean.
MAN: Make a little chum soup
here for them.
Put a little... That's it.
Let's start the appetizer.
Open your eyes.
(GARGLlNG)
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
BAM: We're gonna try to give them a hug
and love pats and whatever we can.
MAN: You look like
a bi-curious superhero in that mask.
CAMERAMAN: You got bit?
Steve-O got bit. Imagine that.
STEVE-O: I think we got
some pretty sweet footage on that.
JOHNNY: Is it just a little nudge,
or are you gonna lose a finger?
-Yeah, I don't think it's too bad.
-MAN: Can you have a seat for me?
STEVE-O: I hope I got
footage of getting bit.
I got all kinds of footage
humping sharks.
MAN: What led
to the shark biting your finger?
I don't know.
MAN: Did it have anything to do
with you humping the shark?
STEVE-O: It could have.
JOHNNY: Do you feel victorious
or defeated, Steve-O?
I mean, for not losing a finger,
I'd say it's a major victory, you know?
I don't know a lot of people
who have been bitten by a shark.
(ENGlNE STARTS)
CAMERAMAN: Take that...
Yo, Chris, take it off.
(CAMERAMAN LAUGHlNG)
Hey, hey, I'll take that.
Hi, I'm Steve-O, and I'm the friendly
neighbourhood urinal.
MAN 1: Oh, there he is!
MAN 2: Steve-O!
Hey, anybody got to take a leak?
-Line up in front of Steve-O.
-Do it on Steve-O.
-Thank you, man. Thank you, man.
-Yeah, no problem.
This is my old friend, Jason.
(CROWD WHOOPlNG)
Yeah, my man. Come on over here.
STEVE-O: Hey, you got to go?
MAN 3: You got to pee?
STEVE-O: You got to pee?
MAN 3: Come here and take a piss, man.
Don't you feel the pressure
in your bladder?
Hey, Steve-O, juniper scent.
Yeah!
Yeah!
-You got facilities for a number two?
-MAN 3: You gotta go number two?
I think we could probably work out
a number two.
MAN 3: Anybody got
a number two in them?
MAN 1: We need one for his head.
MAN 2: Probably have to just
tuck your head down.
Here, put a pillow over on this side.
Heads up.
MAN 1: You ready?
(GROANlNG)
MAN 1: Get him back up.
MAN 2: Wait, which is...
Is this the top or the bottom?
-Are you okay?
-No, I'm not.
That really hurt.
I want to see the playback.
MAN 1: At one point, it just took off.
Like, you actually got airborne.