Jackass - The Movie (2002) Movie Script

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.
Welcome to Jackass.
Hello. I'm Johnny Knoxville
and I'm about to rent a car.
- What's up?
- Hi, I have a reservation.
Okay, I need a driver's license
and a credit card.
All right.
I need a signature here
that you're going to use
your coverage instead of ours.
- Is that white one us?
- Yes.
And we're gonna walk around it,
inspect it together.
Looks pretty good.
I'm just looking for dents
and major scratches.
Yeah.
Something major, gonna write it down.
- Little ding there.
- Yeah.
No, we'll take good care of her.
- Thank you.
- Have a good week.
- You, too.
- Thank you.
- I'm Johnny.
- Hey, man.
We're gonna be doing
a hell of a lot of work here today.
Trust us. We're gonna have fun.
Hi. I'm Johnny Knoxville,
and this is called
the Rent-a-Car Crash-Up Derby.
Oh, fuck!
You guys are gonna die!
Shut the car off before it gets hot.
Oh, fuck!
I guess we didn't reinforce
the windshield.
That fucker kept...
Missed me by that much.
That's why you got
the roll bars behind you, dude.
- Whose car is this?
- This is your guys' car.
I rented it from you earlier.
- Yes. Yeah, what...
- Yeah, I hit a dog.
A dog didn't cause this.
Come on in.
I had a accident, as you can see.
I was... I mean, I drink.
I just black out, so I...
- Were you drinking or anything?
- Yeah, I had a little, to be honest.
Is there any license plates on it?
- There was.
- Yeah?
Well, hopefully you guys
will incur some of the cost.
Oh, no.
'Cause I rented it
from you guys fair and square.
Yeah.
I don't want to get stuck
with the whole charge of it.
Well, you are gonna get stuck
with the entire thing.
Well, I don't think I should.
I think you guys should help.
No. You declined
any additional coverage.
Right there. You declined it.
Yeah, but that's just paperwork,
you know?
- That's a legal contract.
- Yeah, but I was a little... I was...
I had a few to drink
when I signed that, too, so...
Well, we're gonna have to
get this worked out.
Yeah, you're gonna have
to pay for that car.
Well, you're gonna have to help me
pay for that car.
No, we don't do that.
I returned it with a full tank of gas.
You returned it demolished.
Well, it's got a full tank of gas.
That's the least of our worries
right now, is the gas.
- Oh.
- This is an unmitigated outrage.
I've never seen anything like this before.
- What does that mean?
- No one's ever done that.
Well, I can't pay for it.
- Well, you're gonna have to.
- Well, I ain't.
Look, I'm gonna let
you two guys work it out
and I'm gonna go outside,
but that car's gonna have to be paid for.
"F" you!
Are you all right?
You all right?
Knoxville knocked my nuts in half.
This is the Muscle Stimulator.
Oh, it hurts my teeth!
I can't even turn it off.
How is that supposed to help?
- Okay, are you ready?
- Yeah.
Think about your...
Okay, okay, I got it.
I'm taking care of you.
- It's all right. Okay.
- Oh, my God, it's so bad.
- It's cool. You cool?
- Yeah. I'm good.
Okay. Come on.
Ease up. Come on. Daddy's got you.
- Oh, my God, it's so fucking bad.
- Daddy's got you. Come on.
You're gonna have tits of steel.
Yeah, you're so buff right now.
- Yeah, this goes on the gooch.
- Yeah, go, go, go, come on.
- This goes on the gooch.
- Dude, he's done.
Who's gonna do the gooch?
In case you didn't know
what the gooch is,
the gooch is the spot
between your balls and butt hole, and...
Does it smell like...
- Does it smell like man?
- Smell. Just smell it.
- Just smell it.
- Ehren, smell it.
No, come on.
Do your balls first,
just to get it over with.
Yeah, yeah, let's get it over with.
- I'll do it, I'll do it. I'll...
- Balls is crazy.
- Here's some...
- Okay.
- Don't turn it on till he's solid.
- No, I'm not. I'm over it.
It's totally...
I'm so scared right now.
- Are we ready?
- You're so gone, man.
Okay.
- He likes it! He likes it!
- Oh, my God!
He likes it.
Afternoon. How you doing?
Oh. Son of a bitch.
What happened?
Oh, man!
- Fuck!
- Fuck! Oh!
Whoa!
Yes! That was the best thing
I've ever seen.
What?
Oh, fuck, dude.
Nice, yeah.
Are you okay? Are you okay?
Are you okay?
- Get over here!
- Help him! Help him! Help him!
- Medic!
- No, no, no, no.
- Don't move him. Don't move him!
- Oh, shit.
That had bad news written all over it.
Are you okay? You all right?
That was like the worst thing
that could ever happen, right there.
Dunn can't drive for shit.
I don't know what happened.
I just remember we went in the air,
and the next thing I know
I'm just fucked.
Look at that cart.
Dude, you were hauling so much ass.
We're here in Tokyo,
and I feel like partying.
Hi. I'm Party Boy.
Oh, can I try this?
Here we go.
That's my party music.
You like it?
Kind of makes you wanna party, huh?
Kind of feel like partying right now.
Ready?
See, that's what the big ones do,
but sometimes they don't...
It'll take a while before...
Oh, fuck!
Don't pull on it, man.
You can't pry his mouth open.
It's slowly getting away. It's slowly...
Is he opening it?
No, you're twisting him!
You're fucking twisting him!
Oh, fuck! He's got my nipple, dude.
He's got my fucking nipple.
Wait, wait, he's gonna open it.
- I know. I know. Hang on, hang on.
- Hang on. Don't move.
You little bastard!
Oh, look at the teeth marks.
Man.
I'm Bunny, the lifeguard,
and if any of these alligators
try to ruin our swimming,
I'm gonna rassle them down
and probably have my way with them.
If he falls and he lands near an alligator,
and an alligator grabs a hold of him,
Steve-O will relax,
let the alligator take him
and hope that
the alligator will release him.
Hi. I'm Steve-O,
and this is Alligator Tightrope.
Oh, shit.
There's no such thing
as failure, Steve-O.
Take another step.
You got it.
One thing I know is
good tightrope walking.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
You're cool. You're good.
Go put the chicken on him!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Oh, shit.
- There you go.
- Yeah, there you go.
- Food, food, food, food.
Go back down a little bit.
- Go, keep going, Steve-O.
- Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Yeah!
Keep going, Steve-O! Keep going!
Keep going, Steve-O!
Keep your head up, Steve-O!
Keep your head up! Keep your head up!
- They got you now. You're doing good!
- Keep your head up!
Keep your butt up!
You got it! All right, all right!
Keep your butt...
- Put it in your ass and let him take it.
- Come on.
Stick the bone up your ass.
And let him pull it out.
Food, food, food, food!
- Get ready.
- Here it comes. Here it comes.
- Stay there. Don't move. Don't move.
- It'll be over before you know it.
Don't look! Don't look, Steve-O.
Don't look.
Don't look, Steve-O! Don't look!
Stay still. Stay still.
- He's going. He's got it.
- Don't look! Don't look!
Don't move!
- Hang on!
- Hold still! Hold still!
I ran straight into a crocodile.
What the hell.
Oh, my God.
- Why can't you walk on a tightrope?
- I don't know.
I thought you'd do it.
Yeah.
I just... I don't know, man.
But I'm sure I could learn,
but today, you know,
today was my first try.
I'm Bam Margera,
and my parents are dead asleep.
It's 12:42 right now
and Phil has to be at work
at 5:00 in the morning.
So he's trying to get
a good night's sleep
and I'm gonna go wake his ass up.
I'm dying!
Holy shit!
Oh, my God, I'm opening the windows.
- Getting crazy over here.
- Look at Phil's tummy.
Oh, my God!
Phil, you gotta be up
for 5:00 in the morning tonight.
Yo, here he comes.
Here he comes. Here he comes.
Jesus Christ, Bam!
I almost broke my leg
getting out of there!
There's shit all over the goddamn van.
How am I going to work now?
Go!
I... Jesus!
What are you doing?
You know,
I ought to arrest you right now
with all that in your clothes.
- What's wrong with you?
- What are you talking about?
Get this out of your pocket, man!
- That's all me!
- All of this!
- All of that!
- That's all me!
What is this bullshit?
- What is wrong with you?
- Those are my bananas.
Don't never come in here no more, man!
What are you...
Get out! And take the other stuff
out of your pockets.
- Jeez!
- Get it all out!
- That's how you treat an old man?
- Yep. Get out! Go!
An old man that steals, I can't believe it.
Hey, man, what kind of games
you playing? Get out!
- Get out, man!
- God damn it!
What is wrong with you?
Get out!
Man, quit playing!
- I was Lon Chaney's lover!
- Go back and love him!
So, we're gonna go
to this hardware store.
They sell toilets.
And I'm gonna take a shit
right in one of the toilets.
I'm gonna shit in my pants
before we get to that fucking place.
Dave, fight it, man.
And I don't even want
to make a joke about it right now
'cause I just wanna hold it in.
- Gotta poo?
- Pretty much.
- Really?
- Yeah. Like, really bad.
Don't... Do you want to ruin everything?
- I swear to God, it's...
- Really? Like, that bad?
Yeah, like, it's a problem.
Is this the worst
you've ever had to go boom-boom?
No, no.
I shit my pants at the fair.
Oh, dude, he's shitting right now.
Get out of the car!
Oh, get out, dude, get out!
No shit, get out of here!
Come on, man,
get out of the fucking car.
Get out of the fucking car!
Oh! What do I do?
- Did you shit?
- Did you do it?
Holy shit!
I'm taking a cab back to the hotel.
He just shat everywhere.
That's bad.
Look.
- What's wrong, man?
- I had to sit there while he shat.
I need to go home right now.
- It's on my hand.
- Just let them see it.
Is that a bolt? We have very...
What the hell you doing?
- What was that?
- What are you doing?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm almost done.
I hope you didn't take a shit in that,
son of a bitch.
You take a shit in that, they're gonna
get you to clean it out, pal.
That is disgusting, man.
What a fucking Froot Loop.
Want me to play it back?
Hey! What the fuck? What the...
Got him, dude. And there went his hair.
- Turn around. Let's see it.
- That was so much.
Oh, no!
- Yeah.
- Look at me.
- That's a good one.
- We're ready.
I'm Ehren McGhehey,
and this is the Mousetrap.
All right! All right! All right!
Come on! Come on.
Okay, that's enough.
That's enough! That's enough!
I called it! Hey! Time!
Dude.
This isn't gonna work.
It might.
What's gonna happen here?
I don't know,
but it's not what's going to be intended.
Raab's putting a fucking tampon on.
That's like
a Courtney Love-sized maxi pad.
Dudes, this is, like,
worse than a hanging.
I'm Raab himself
and I'm a complete fucking idiot.
- Oh, that's funny.
- It didn't work.
Nope.
- We gotta get another one, man.
- Let's do it again.
Hey, I'm Raab himself,
and this is Bungee Wedgie.
Is that your shitty ass, dude?
Look at the bloody, shitty underpants.
Didn't give me a wedgie. I went forward.
I can't believe it.
That is so funny.
All right, we're here in the valley today
to do our own little riot-control test.
This is George Hruska.
All right, George, what do you do
and what are we doing here today?
Well, I'm Vice President of Operations
with A.L.S. Technologies.
We manufacture
less-lethal ammunition.
We're one of the top
manufacturing companies
in the United States.
And we're going to shoot you
with one of our projectiles.
It's called the Pen-Prevent.
It's a 40-gram, tail-stabilized bag.
It'll be traveling
about 250 feet per second.
- Is that lethal?
- It's considered less lethal.
So, this morning
I thought I was taking it in the chest
with the beanbag projectile,
but George and his company
said, "No way."
'Cause if it hits me in the heart,
I'm pretty much done with, so...
We want to take
every single precaution...
Right.
...necessary to help protect
your vital organs.
Where are my intestines?
Are they in that area?
- I think so.
- Awesome.
So are you gonna
take some practice shots?
Pressure.
- Jesus Christ.
- Yeah.
You know, this is nothing
to mess around with.
This is nothing for anybody
to just throw into a 12-gauge shotgun
and, you know, think
that they could take it.
You know,
that's one of the reasons I'm doing this
is because I can do this
in a controlled state.
Safety's off.
Going hot.
That really hurt.
That looked like it hurt.
Oh, fuck, dude.
Did you see the way
I caught that beanbag with my stomach?
That's instinct.
You can't teach that.
It hurts so much.
Like going from a prone position
to standing is...
Ouch.
Hi. I'm Wee Man, and this is a big cone.
Oh, my God, my brakes!
I can't...
My brakes!
My brakes!
My brakes!
Stop me! Stop me!
Stop me!
- You all right?
- That was so fast!
- You all right?
- Yeah.
- You have... Did your brakes go out?
- Yeah. The whole thing doesn't work.
Really?
Will you push me to the top?
I wanna do it again.
I could sure go for a Miller High Life.
Oh, you're in so much trouble.
Kick her ass!
I'm about to get
the shit kicked out of me by a girl.
Dude, I told you to keep up the left!
Hail to the queen!
- That's the winner.
- That's it.
And the winner,
and still champion...
Now pronounce her name.
Look at his bloody mouthpiece.
Oh, God, my jaw is, like,
two inches to the left.
I seriously felt all right for a little bit,
until she punched me in the nose.
I knew she was fighting dirty.
Tropical Pole-Vaulting.
Oh, Jesus!
Go grab the dead kitty.
Dude, I've fucking
been in there before, dude. It sucks.
Oh, God!
Since we no longer
have to bleep cuss words,
I promise
I will get my mom to say "fuck"
by the end of this movie.
Hello. I'm Johnny Knoxville,
and we're about to test
my rocket skates.
Go!
All right, this is rocket skates,
take two.
This one's gonna be a little more
powerful than the last one, so...
- Why, these are different bottle rockets?
- No, there's just more of them.
- Oh, fuck!
- What's wrong?
I fell and busted my ass,
that's what's fucking wrong.
That's it.
No more rocket skates.
God, this party sucks!
Hey, my man. Wasabi, lots.
Wasabi.
Yeah.
So today, I'm gonna treat myself
to some wasabi snooters.
Are you any good at snorting stuff?
Pretty good.
God, chopsticks are so stupid.
That looks like a pretty good line, huh?
More.
Do another snooter.
I need a pick-me-up.
Dude, on the plate. On the plate.
- Oh, God, dude.
- You're an animal.
Oh, man.
That's a bump.
Look at that special sauce.
- Swallow it.
- Swallow it.
Get him!
Get back here!
I said, "Get back here!"
Get...
This is bullshit, man!
Phil?
Phil?
Phil?
Hey, Phil!
Oh, my God.
- Is this thing real?
- What thing?
This alligator!
What?
Look, look, look!
Look around the corner.
What is that?
Where have you been?
Don't you even look?
Oh, my God! It's moving.
Oh, Phil!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- I don't know what to do now.
- Aren't you scared to death?
It's so gross that it's even on the floor.
I'm going out! I'm leaving!
Where's my keys?
That is the scariest fucking thing
I ever saw in my whole life!
- I'm leaving.
- Don't leave. Where the hell you going?
I'm leaving. I swear to God!
Phil, seriously, please.
Help! Help me get this thing out of here!
I'm scared to death!
Oh, God!
Oh, man.
No! No!
No, I'm not letting in the...
No, no! God, where is it?
- Oh, please! You don't have it, do you?
- No, we don't have it.
It's not there?
Like, seriously, is that real?
I'm serious. Is it real?
Is it real?
- Is it real?
- Yes.
I'm serious, get everybody out!
Dude, dude. Wait. Stop! Chill, dude.
Whiz kid kicked your ass, dude.
- I didn't even get you.
- You got beat up by Wee Man.
- Dude.
- Let me see.
He didn't even get you.
- Where? I didn't even...
- He didn't even get you.
Let me see the back of your head.
- Oh, dude.
- It'll be all right.
I'm here with Eric Koston
and Clyde Singleton,
and today I'm gonna 50-50 this rail,
and... Or try to.
- So, this thing's long.
- Yeah, thanks.
Thanks for reminding me.
You got it.
I got it. I got this.
- Dude, is he gonna go?
- Yeah.
Is he gonna go?
He's gonna go somewhere.
He's going.
He's going, yeah.
My impression of Johnny Knoxville.
Something like this.
"Oh, my face!"
I'm Johnny Knoxville
and I'm gonna grind this rail.
Ready, set, go!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
He made it all the way down.
I can't believe he got that far.
- You made it to the fucking bottom!
- I can't believe he got that far.
I can't believe... I can't...
This is the Paper Cuts.
I'm getting paper cuts
between the webbings of my fingers
and the webbings of my toes.
- Hold it still.
- There's no good way to do it.
Yeah, I know. So just deal with it.
Take a... Take a breath.
Oh, you can feel when it goes in.
Oh, give me... This one works good,
give me the next one.
Do it. Do it.
- Oh, yeah, opened up with a good one.
- Did you hear that?
- Oh, that was my flesh!
- Oh, shit.
If I do your hand,
you'll forget about the pain in your foot.
That's a good point.
Take a deep breath.
Lance is trying... Are you gonna puke?
Don't, Lance,
there's so many places for you to...
- Watch Lance pass out.
- Lance is gonna puke!
From what,
the pepperoni or the paper cuts?
Both?
The pepperoni.
It's good! With pig entrails.
- Is he okay?
- I don't know.
- Wait, is he all right?
- Lance, are you all right?
- Medic!
- Hey, don't knock over the beer.
- Dude, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- And get him in a cold room.
- This is the greatest bit ever.
Steve-O, if you want to do some more,
do it. I'm done.
Is everybody ready?
Yeah.
See the look on his face?
- Do one more.
- Do it again.
That sucked.
God, am I glad I came down
to see what was going on in this room.
Wait a minute.
I know what my fortune is. It's partying.
This is Sweaty Fat Fucks.
Oh, honey, it's been a while.
- It's a little too much.
- No, I...
Irving, you think you can do it?
- Do you want a spot?
- No, I got it. No, I got it.
- You got it?
- Yeah, yeah.
- lf you need a spot, just give me a call.
- Okay.
What's the quickest
you ever knocked anyone out?
I hold the California state record.
It's like 18 seconds,
including the 10 count.
I think you're gonna break that today.
- I'm Johnny Knoxville.
- And I'm Butterbean.
Today we're gonna do a little boxing.
All right, you guys.
Touch gloves and come out fighting.
- Get up!
- Come on, Butter...
One more time.
This is the last time
you're kicking my ass.
One more time.
More pain. That's it.
You haven't even...
Hit me once, at least.
There you go.
That's it.
Is there a problem?
He's out.
Is Butterbean okay?
Look at this.
And by knockout in the first round,
new champion, Butterbean!
Yeah!
- Where we going, Knoxville?
- The hospital.
- What the hell are we doing that for?
- I don't know.
Apparently I have
a big gash in my head,
and I think I'm a little concussed.
- Are you giving me a shot?
- Yeah.
Are you okay?
- We got one more to go, buddy.
- Yes, sir.
- Then you're a free man.
- Thank you.
You're gonna be not feeling great
the next 24 hours.
- Thank you, Dr. Kipper.
- Okay.
You'll probably see me
in two to three days.
See you in a couple of days.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
God damn it! What are you doing?
Hey! Get off, man!
- What's going on here?
- Get off!
Get off!
We're in Okinawa
and we're about to go swim
with some whale sharks.
But first, we need to go rub one out.
Well, I made the mistake
of showing them
what sea cucumbers do
when they're threatened.
And that is, you know,
as soon as something touches them,
these white threads
come out of the end of it,
and Steve-O and Chris
thought it was a great idea.
So, they're out there trying to...
- Masturbate?
- Masturbate. Yeah.
So, anyway, I apologize.
This is the Whale Shark Gummer.
With a simple shave of the razor,
Steve-O easily disguises himself
to fool the whale sharks
into thinking he's a harmless young boy.
I am pretty nervous about my wiener
around that whale shark. I really am.
Now, the best way
to think of the whale sharks
is they're like big puppy dogs.
Sometimes puppies bite.
Yeah, but they have little teeth.
- Puppies, they have little teeth.
- Little teeth.
- You're gonna get a gummer.
- All right.
So, it's kind of like
being with a gal with no teeth.
- Kind of, yes.
- Yeah.
So right below in these waters,
30-foot whale sharks
are waiting to eat
these freaking shrimp
out of our crotches.
Okay.
Oh, they're kind of... They pinch.
Are these alive?
- They don't feel good on the way...
- You're part of this, man.
Look at this shrimp.
I guess I don't really have
any last words.
I'm just gonna kill myself
once I lose my wiener.
My penis is really small now.
I can't really look cool right now.
Hi. I'm Johnny Knoxville.
This is the Tidal Wave.
- How'd it look?
- It looked good.
You just got drenched.
I don't even, like, pick a tattoo, like,
unless I'm pretty sure that people
are gonna laugh every time they see it.
Oh, my God, dude.
Like, how do you perform
the fucking world's dumbest tattoo?
Fuck, man.
At least I don't have to look at it, right?
My name is Henry Rollins
and this is Off-Road Tattoo.
Yeah!
This was designed to fuck you up!
You Christian motherfucker!
It's a total smiley face, dude.
I just fully got a haircut
just, like, a week ago.
You're about to get many more.
- Yeah, me, too.
- I am not doing it.
Look at Ehren.
Oh, shit!
So, we're finding it
a little bit chilly in Japan.
We're gonna warm ourselves up
with some fireworks.
Let's go, dude.
Roll back there, just a bit.
Oh, no! This is a bad angle. Switch.
Oh, no, no, no.
Let's see.
Like, an ember fell
right in my corn hole, dude.
I actually burned my butt hole.
How hard is it to tie a bottle rocket
to a cock?
God, you're compressing it.
You may think
this next stunt is impossible.
You gotta squat a little, Pontius.
Every time!
- Is Chris' dick shorter or...
- Yeah, it's a little shorter.
Keep it in! Hold it!
Stick...
It almost hit Loomis in the face.
God damn, this is the BMX Tug-of-War.
Fuck!
What a dumb-ass idea.
I'm surrounded by cacti.
- For fuck's sake.
- Dude, it's a cactus.
- It's cacti!
- It's cactus.
Whatever it is, it hurts.
You wanna get up and cross?
This is the Yellow Snow Cone.
Pack it in there nice and tight.
Little cold out here.
It might take a second.
Oh! There we go.
- Oh, yeah.
- Dude.
I'm not even worried about the pee,
I'm just worried about it...
Come on,
you're missing the cone, dude!
- I'm sorry.
- You're missing the cone!
You better eat that whole thing, too.
You gotta go eat that spot, too.
The male bonding...
Enjoy the snow cone.
Oh, you just wasted a whole bunch!
Just get that whole mouthful,
right there.
Keep going.
- Keep going!
- Eat it!
- Come on, it's your pee.
- Dude, swallow it!
- Oh, come on.
- Hey, I'm trying. It's so cold.
Swallow it! Swallow it!
Oh, God.
Eat it! Eat it!
Swallow it, man! Don't... No, no.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no puking.
- I'm doing it!
- Don't look at it.
Dude, it's dripping out of the bottom.
Will you catch that,
what's dripping out the bottom?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
- Eat it. Eat it.
- This...
- You said that you would.
- Eat it.
...is the chocolate snow cone.
- It stinks.
- That sucked.
Kick yourself in the head, Wee Man.
This guy.
He'll do anything just to look better.
- No, get away.
- Now what is?
Are you starting to lose your mind
on that shit?
Bam, stop it!
Now, you're getting crazy on this shit.
Ape!
He's starting to lose it!
Jesus Christ!
Ape, I need toilet paper!
Okay, this is called
the Golf Course Airhorn.
When people tee off,
when they're coming down
with their swing,
we're gonna blow these airhorns.
- Here she goes again.
- No. Is it another one?
She still hit it really good.
Holy shit.
What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?
Here, you've lost your club. Sorry.
Didn't I tell you I was gonna come
over here and kick your ass for that?
What? I'm sorry. I got bursitis.
- You got bursitis?
- Yeah.
So, that means
you gotta play with a horn?
- It helps.
- I'll give you something to play with, pal.
Sorry. It won't happen again.
- Oh, fuck!
- Shit. He's teeing off!
- Get down! Get down!
- Oh, shit!
Get back. Get down, get down.
- Watch this! Wait. Wait.
- Get down, Dimitry.
Oh, these things are scary.
- I'm Bam Margera.
- I'm Johnny Knoxville.
And we're gonna be burglars today.
Oh, God!
Fuck! Get the diamonds!
Dude, I told you
not to fall off the damn beam.
Turn around! Turn around!
Fuck!
Oh, holy fuck!
- Idiot!
- What the fuck is that?
Go!
Holy fuck!
You all right?
- You okay?
- I'm good. I'm good.
- What'd you think happened right there?
- It's embarrassing.
I was barely halfway through the ceiling,
and you were already out the door.
You were really sprinting.
Really, guys in masks, I'm out.
I don't play. I don't play.
Is there any actual, like, real reason
why anyone would shove
something up their ass like this?
- No.
- I'm claiming predictions for this event.
- Where's Ryan?
- Did you make them?
Number one, it's not getting in there.
Number two, even if it does,
it's not staying in there.
Definitely no sitting down happening.
Number three, there's no way
they're gonna believe that this is true.
So, you're saying it's...
I'm saying there's nothing I want more
than for this to happen, but...
- You don't want it to happen that much.
- No, I really do.
This is our original talent
for this piece, by the way.
- Yeah. I think that...
- It's one of the first things I think
I've ever seen you duck out on.
Oh, man, I am so glad
I turned this idea down.
I'm so glad.
I'll probably use all of this
before the end of the segment.
What else we got?
A condom. Thank you.
And a little toy car.
Blue, it's my favorite color.
Let me see that. Dangle it.
Look at the reservoir tip.
- Now I'm lubing up...
- I can't see the car, Ryan.
...the little toy car,
because I'm going to put it in my butt.
Be comfortable.
Hey, Ed's here for rescuing, dude.
You're here for making it a problem.
All right, you're gonna watch this?
- You're making me uncomfortable.
- Sorry.
I gotta get another job.
- Lube up your corn hole.
- I am. I'm spackling.
"Spackling."
- Heart rate's going up for sure!
- Oh, dude, it hurts.
Your adrenaline's flowing, isn't it?
There's no getting around it,
it fucking hurts like hell.
Come on in, Manny.
You're just in time, Manny.
Oh, Manny. Tell me I'm a man.
- Hey, man, he's got it...
- It feels so goddamn gross.
This is totally insane.
- I thinks it's breathing.
- Wheels in?
It's in, dude.
- It's in?
- Yeah.
- Let's see.
- Oh, fuck!
I feel like I have to shit my ass.
Is there anything in tap?
No, this don't happen in nature, dude.
This is insane.
"This doesn't happen in nature."
You said that you didn't want to do it
because your dad would disown you?
Well, I mean, it wasn't that.
You drank wine
off of a dude's ass crack.
My dad never saw that.
I never told him that, you know.
I was gonna do this
and I was like, "Dad..."
I was like,
"Dad, we're going hard these days,
"and there's some ideas
floating around."
I just mentioned the car in the butt.
My dad, like... The only time in my life
I ever heard my dad, like...
You know,
it's like when your parents say,
"I'm not mad at you,
I'm just disappointed," you know.
Like, that hurts so much more,
you know?
Fucking rad.
Look at him walk.
Dunn's gonna win, dude.
I'm not too excited about this skit.
It's not my favorite I've ever done,
because there's a toy car in my butt.
But this is the Butt X-ray.
I think I need an x-ray.
- Antoine?
- Yes?
- How you doing?
- Pretty good.
- I'm Ryan, and this is...
- What can I do for you?
I was partying last night
with some frat guys.
I passed out. I must've fallen down
and broken something,
'cause I haven't been
able to walk right since.
We're gonna take x-ray now, to be sure.
Okay.
- Take a...
- Oh, okay.
This is comfy.
Hold your breath. Don't move.
- What is that?
- I have no idea.
That's not part of you.
That's something extra.
I would've known if I ate that.
No. You wouldn't be able
to swallow that.
That is a car toy.
- Well, how did a car toy get there?
- Maybe you stuck it up your ass.
I didn't stick anything up my ass.
- Have you ever seen anything like that?
- No, I never seen that in there.
I've seen a toy car all over,
but never in somebody's rectum.
- You can't get it out? You don't have...
- No.
I'm a physician,
but I practice this, x-ray, only.
You think maybe I can just,
you know, poop it out?
You won't be able to poop it out.
In fact, it will hurt you.
In fact,
I don't think it's even good for you
that you poop it out.
What will happen if you take Ex-Lax?
Will that help?
No, if he takes Ex-Lax,
well, he gets a lot of diarrhea,
but no car.
I appreciate it.
Thank you for taking care of me.
- Okay.
- Thanks again.
You know, it's not that easy
trying to get this thing out as it is.
Especially with all you guys
fucking staring at me.
Fucking peanut gallery
while I'm trying to crap.
- Oh, shit!
- Get down there and film low.
That sounded like an injury.
- Did it come out?
- It's coming.
Everyone, be quiet.
Oh, that hurt so bad.
- Let me see it. Hold it up.
- Something broke.
I'm bleeding.
- Let's see it. Let's see it.
- Not that bad.
He's alive!
Oh, Johnny Knoxville. He made it.
Oh, there is a God.
Oh, please.
And at last! I thought it would never...
This is the end!
Oh, thank you, Jesus!
Oh, child!
- Let's see it! Let's see it!
- Not that bad.
Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck!
Bam, what the...
Whose dick do I gotta suck
to get some explosions around here?
It's got a boner.
Oh! Oh, fuck!
That's a man.
Gator wrestling.
For fuck's sake, come here!
Hurry up. Hurry up.
Hurry!
We wanted to see if you would run here
with a car up your ass.
No, I ain't running anywhere.
It's scary enough to walk.
You're nice. You're a good man.
- Want to come over for dinner?
- No, that's okay.
- You know how to operate it now?
- Yeah, I think so. I think so.
- I need help.
- Yeah.
The smiley face is a complete crucial.
What did I say?
- Fuck.
- Fuck.
I didn't say the "F" word.
Yeah, you did. You said "fuck."
- Don't worry, we'll bleep it.
- I did? Can we cut that out?
- It's all right.
- It looks fine. It looks normal.
I think it says "fuck" on my forehead.
- They don't have a tail?
- No! They must have...
Show him the x-ray.
I mean, trust me, dude,
I'm not unimpressed.
Fuck!
The next time,
we can do Son of Jackass.
Son...
Yeah, dude.