Jez Jerzy (2011) Movie Script
- I need those samples, fast!
- Yes, professor.
Reading sample.
Analysis completed.
Project "idol"ready
for implementation.
Genetic material needed.
Visualisation of the perfect donor
in progress.
What the fuck? A hedgehog?
You heard what the computer said.
We need to provide genetic material.
Where the hell am I supposed
to find a hedgehog in this city?
George the Hedgehog
Is this the kind of law you need?
The young are allowed everything
and the old nothing?
Hey you, what's in the bottle?
Hey kid!
No, no need for that, really, no.
That's the kind of youngster
I support.
Luckily nobody got hurt.
Thank god that I was in the area.
Jeez, those people, what a day.
Professor,
I have found a perfect donor.
- A hedgehog?
- Yes. A hedgehog.
So what are you waiting for?
Get him!
Tofu in 5 flavours, please!
One tofu for the gentleman.
Oh sorry, I don't have change.
Please, follow me to the back.
I have change there.
Woohoo! Boys!
I thought of you because
I haven't had anything
- on my mouth for ages
- Good eewening, madam.
Fuck me!
- With pleasure: Call me Lilka.
- Got some change?
Why? For that dough you can
get much more,
Take me to the candy shop,
let me lick your...
George?
Honey, what are you doing
in such company?
What company?
- This 100, I was just about to...
- Pardon me, the rate is 150.
The lady asked me if I could
break a 100 and I can't... so fuck it.
You wanker, you're a pig,
not a hedgehog!
Huh, how's things anyway?
I'm cruising around town
with my girlfriends.
And that pansy of yours is probably
the chauffeur, right?
He might be pansy
but he's still my husband.
Kris is rocking
at a concert while we speak.
Kriss Kross... huh, huh.
So? Coming or not?
Unless you have something better to do?
What the hell, why not?
Girls!
Evening beautiful ladies,
how are you doing?
Make some room,
this guy can sting.
- Whose ride is this?
- What do you mean? It's Michael's.
- Who's Michaels?
- Michael,
- the mega-artist from the States.
- You're standing on him right now.
No!
Stefan darling?
Did you have nightmares again?
Would you like some cocoa?
How about a sandwich?
Not enough butter... old witch...
Marian! Check this out!
God! What a great sight!
- See you later girls!
- See you G!
You're tickling, huh.
- Hello? Who's this?
- Me.
- Theresa?
- What Theresa?
Oh, it's you, assistant.
Have you collected
the genetic material yet?
- No. Not yet.
- So what are you waiting for?
Think of something!
I remember you always missed
your deadlines as a student.
Mountains, lakes, the sea.
This country has everything it takes
to be great
And I can't even afford a beer.
Fuck.
- Maybe it's because
we don't have a canyon? - What?
A canyon, you know -
a big hole in the ground.
The States have a great big hole
and they are great aren't they?
It's not a matter of holes
in the ground!
You know what is Poland's
biggest problem?
Aliens, who drink our blood,
steal the land of our fathers
- and disgrace our women.
- You mean those aliens?
I have scratches all over me.
Aliens like him?
- Exactly.
- What shall we do?
What do you think?
Beat the shit out of the hedgehog
and then we'll shave
the traitor of our race.
Hey, and why are we so shaven,
actually?
Are you coming, you fuck?
White power, white power
Can you feel it?
- Hey you, baldy!
- What?
Ouch...
Thanks,
I would have managed on my own.
I also manage on my own,
but it's better
to do certain things together.
What?
What's going on here?
Please, stop immediately!
You're kissing my wife around
the area of her lips.
Don't worry, Kris.
Don't tell when to worry
and when not, woman!
I'm about to get really angry and
you'll regret it, unfaithful.
How dare you?
This gentleman really saved me from
these thugs! And you? What have you done?
- Really?
- Mrs. Yola almost fainted
When she witnessed
the violence that unfolded.
- I had to perform mouth-to-mouth.
- What would you like to say about that?
I'm terribly sorry.
I don't know how
to express my gratitude.
Chill out. Just sponsor
a brew and we're even.
Cheers, Kriss Kross.
She had great boobs.
- Almost like my sister.
- I've seen better.
Oh yeah? Where?
- Who the hell are you?
- Can't you see?
He's a jedi.
What times do we live in, eh?
One cannot feel safe
in his own country.
Gents, would you like to do something
for Poland
and get rid of the hedgehog and
at the same time make loads of money?
Fuck, what is this shithole?
Maybe it's a matter of lighting?
Whom have you brought me, assistant?
Professor, let me introduce:
Stefan und Zenek.
Welcome to my temple,
travelers craving knowledge.
Temple? I'm warning you,
if this is some kind of mason shit...
Let's get inside,
we'll explain everything there.
See? I told you it's
a matter of lighting.
Impressive, right?
No, you don't have to answer.
The older I get the greedier
for compliments I become.
Ok, old man, cut the crap
And tell us what
to do with the hedgehog.
You seem ready for action, boys.
I used to teach at a university
My students were boys like you.
- Are you interested in biology?
- No fuckin' way.
Exactly.
Wait a minute,
that gentleman promised us money.
OK. There will be money but first
You need to collect
a DNA sample of George the Hedgehog.
I won't spank the hedgehog's monkey!
All we need is some needles,
some blood
and a smear from
the inner side of his cheek. That's it.
Once you've collected it,
You have to eliminate the hedgehog.
He'll get such an ass kicking
that he'll be sorry to live.
I think we've misunderstood ourselves.
You have to kill him.
- What do you mean, kill him?
- Just like that, until he's dead.
It's just a hedgehog after all.
Beer, flowers, Beer, flowers,
Beer, flowers, fuck.
Buying anything or you gonna
keep on prayin' like this?
Just a sec. I'm wondering what gift
to buy for my girlfriend.
With that money
you can afford three roses and a brew.
And if she's less of a classy lady then
buy one rose and a quarter of vodka.
Of course we want a brew.
Two brew in fact. And one rose.
Thief!
Beat the skinheads!
Zenek! Now! Give him a nibble!
Are you guys out of your damn minds?
I'll have to go to the vet now.
- I've got the blood.
- And I've got the spikes.
We rocked.
Years of work.
Years of sacrifices.
At last!
People used to laugh
at me and my research...
No, it wasn't easy but we managed.
He yelped like a dog.
At the end I gave him such a Glasgow
kiss that all his needles fell off.
- Was there a lot of blood?
- Like in a butcher's house.
And what have you done
with the body?
It worked, gentlemen!
This is the most incredible
experiment of my life!
Once I met aliens from outer space.
And for me, that was the most...
Daddy?
- How the fuck did he just get here?
- The shit has hit the fan.
Stefan, do something.
"George calling"
Yola! Long time no see.
How's things? When can we meet?
What will the opponent do?
In ten minutes outside
the building, ok?
Kris, darling,
I'm popping out!
What? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Phenomenal move on the horse!
- Damn! Check mate.
- I can see the coach running to him.
They are so happy!
They've waited for that
for so many years.
This is not George, you idiots!
It's a clone!
- Do you know what a clone is?
- Aftershave.
Clone-my-ass. Looks like a hedgehog
so it will get its ass kicked
- like a hedgehog.
- It's a hen that lays golden eggs.
It's a metaphor, of course
not like the ones at your
family's place in the countryside
The hedgehog has a potential
- That you wouldn't even dream of,
morons. - Oh yeah? I have potential too.
- Why don't you clone me?
- Very funny.
We've collected lots of data.
The calculations took months.
Finally, the computer produced:
A hedgehog.
If he's so damn cool
why did you tell us to whack him?
He had one key defect,
we couldn't control him.
The clone is a different story.
The clone, if it's steered
in the right direction
Can become the biggest
money-making machine
Since Michael Jackson!
Zenek, please wipe Mr.
Clone's nose.
- Years of work. Years of sacrifices.
- Not now, professor.
First of all we need to think
of a good strategy.
There goes your fucking hedgehog.
- Shall we move on to some sweet lovin'?
- Maybe we can order something first?
- OK. Sweet dessert for a start?
- Get me the Gondolier's cone, ok?
You're so high maintenance, girl.
Oh, got any dough, by the way?
Just kidding...
Wow, a fun park!
Jesus, what's wrong with you?
Got hammered again?
Get off me! What are you doing?
Don't be embarrassing.
What an animal.
People are watching.
Yola, what's wrong?
What are you on about?
Where are you going?
Yola, wait up!
Stop, in the name of love!
- There he is!
- What the hell?
Enough for now.
Let's get back to the lab.
Come, son.
Daddy will comfort you.
Damn junkies.
Who the hell was that dude?
Yoohoo! Hedgehog.
Time to go home.
Damn clone.
Get out you creep, or else!
Get out or it's going to hurt!
Damn you! You've crossed the line.
You just wait, damn it! I'II...
What?
Nice, they really did good
on that one.
Got you,
motherfucking cutie pie.
You won't run away!
Stefan, look.
That's not good.
If they find out that we didn't kill him
Then there's no way we'll get
the money.
Ok, we beat the shit out of him
and hide him in the bin.
Quick, turn around.
Stefan!
There you are? Got you!
What do we have here, Samantha?
Sir, the animal has no leach,
no muzzle.
That's a penalty ticket.
I'm terribly sorry.
Next time, I won't let them run
around without a muzzle.
Hold it!
I see a fool with a devil
riding on a chariot...
Into the car, move it!
Really,
they are more stupid than I thought.
If your life falls apart,
call your politician for a new start
What would you have done without me?
I guess they kicked
your head pretty hard.
I'll take you home.
Again?!
Don't ever call me again.
My son has mastered multiplication!
Ergh, well done Professor.
Multiplication-my-ass,
you've fucked it up!
- The hedgehog has survived!
- Dude, take it easy.
- We couldn't find his pulse,
honestly. - Silence!
From now on you're doing
everything my way, understood?
Or else get the fuck out!
Is that clear?
- Yes sir!
- Is that clear?
Yes sir!
Honey, we have a visitor -
your hero.
- Good day madam.
- The gentleman that saved you.
Get this creep out, Kris.
- But we haven't finished the game yet.
- Be a man for once!
I want this hedgehog out of my house!
- I guess it's time for you.
- Yola!
Oh, you know how it is,
When she has THOSE days
It's impossible
to speak human to a human.
Out!
Yola, I mean Mrs.
Yola, what's wrong with you?
You should come later.
We'll play a game of chess,
talk, have a laugh.
See, I kicked him out, woman.
- And now, gimme a sucky sucky.
- What am I supposed to do?!
Cup of tea. Cup of tea, please.
The European hedgehog hunts at night
and loves all sorts of snails
and rotten fruits.
Among the rattling forest leaves
a handsome female appears.
The hedgehogs then run around
for several hours until they reach
an orgasm.
There you go!
Yep, it's all over now.
And then I told her... you know.
You will never walk alone!
Poland will be
the champion of Poland!
Yola calling
Hello?
What's up George?
I mean, how's things?
I'm more interested in
how things are with you, Yola.
Yola? Yola, I'm here!
Yeah, we have to meet, you know.
- And sort everything out.
- I have nothing to sort out.
I'll explain everything when we meet.
How about tonight
under the Poniatowski bridge?
Where? Under the bridge?
Yeah, I have to be... careful.
- My husband, Karl, got so suspicious.
- Karl? You mean Kris?
Yeah, sure. Did I say Karl?
So? Will you come or not?
Please!
Please, please.
OK. I'll be there.
Mission completed.
I dig your toys.
Yola?
Served on a golden platter.
We'll crush you!
Freedom!
Fucking hell.
Give it here.
Why do I have to do everything
on my own?
Throw him into the river.
What are you waiting for?
Help me. Go on.
Stefan, can hedgehogs swim?
Camera stop! Cut!
Wipe the vomit. Second take.
He's strong, intelli...,
ehm, very strong.
And funny.
And his name is:
Gheorghe the HeedgehAg, Fak it!
George the Hedgehog -
the new hero of the youth.
Visit our website and buy a t-shirt.
Perfect!
Our creation was seen by
half a million internet users already!
Nobel Prize, at last!
Soon, thanks to that clone,
we'll make millions.
You mean that cologne
that has just left?
- Where is he?
- One second.
Where would I go if I was him?
SEX SHOP
The suspect was caught
in a rapid police action.
The level of damages caused
By the criminal is as yet unknown.
The estimated numbers point to
hundreds of thousands.
We got access to important
CCTVrecordings.
These are drastic images
only for mature viewers.
And I played chess with him!
I hope they will teach him in jail
How to behave in the civilized world.
It was a black day for
the pink business.
And the whole plan got fucked.
- Shut up you idiot. - Yes?
- Not everything is lost yet.
I got a year of probation
for less serious shit.
Years of work.
Years of sacrifices.
- So we won't be millionaires?
- Let me think, damn it!
If your life falls apart,
call your politician for a new start
- Congressman, someone to see you.
- Come in.
Good day, sir.
I have a delicate matter to discuss.
Start talking.
I represent the world-reknown
international company
Media Politics Creative
Consulting Strategy President.
Me too, punk.
Mind saying that in English?
Our company is carefully observing
the most promising
politicians on the globe.
Among them,
we've been watching you.
You're suggesting that
I'm promising most to people?
Who said that?
You got that on record?
I meant the most hopeful politicians.
Simply: The best ones.
We think you have
a chance of becoming a president.
Me?
Exactly, your support among
The voters over 59 is impressing.
But we both know that everything
Nowadays depends on young people.
We know how to win over the youth.
Richie, stop the recording!
I checked this morning, two million
people have already seen this video.
You mean I should get
this creep out of jail
and then it would support me
and its popularity
would provide me voters?
You get it out and then
go straight to the White House!
I guess that creep is an OK bloke.
All he wanted was
to shag some rubber dolls.
So...
Oh, pardon me
Do we have a deal?
That won't be easy.
I'll have to use my contacts.
But keep your chin up,
I'll deal with it.
But if you screw me over
I'll shove your head up your ass.
So where are we standing?
One more time.
You're funny.
If anybody would like to bone you.
Tell them you're Roman's bitch.
- And then they won't bone me?
- They'll still bone you.
But at least you'll get
a smoke afterwards.
Fak it!
I'm a great fan of his and
I think a great career awaits him.
He's just, wow,
hedge-hogging awesome!
If you think of the rubber dolls
that exploded after encountering
the hard needle of the hedgehog,
this was de facto a metaphor
Of our expectations
and existential hopes
Confronted with
the hard crust of reality.
It's nothing else than a sign
of rebellion.
The hedgehog has shown what
a social frustration could lead to.
George, to many people out there,
outside the prison walls
You are already a hero.
Do you think that justice will prevail
and you will be set free?
- It was an act of art!
- Yes.
Uncompromised,
great act of art!
Of course.
I would even call it
an artistic happening.
It was damn brave.
Meanwhile, in this provincial country
an artist is treated as criminal.
And we'll end the show
with this heated debate.
Please, watch us next week.
Coming up, a commercial break
and then the weather.
So? Speechless, eh?
That's how PR is done, hell yeah.
Your creep will be set free soon.
Be ready.
Nobody's around.
We can pull it out.
Uh, heavy.
It must be an octopus.
What's that?
I think it's that hedgehog.
A lot of hedgehog equals
a lot of five-spice pork.
Yoo hoo! Sweethearts!
Would you like some?
What are you hiding there?
No, no, have nothing.
Goodnight, madam.
- We want no blowjob.
- Hey, but that's...
I know that hedgehog!
Know this hedgehog?
What have you done with it?
We save. He drown.
- Damn it! They're totally nuts.
- Breeding hedgehogs!
We bred them at university but only
for scientific research.
Which proves that the biology department
Brought shame to the school.
Hey, sweethearts
I don't know what this is all about,
but you are really cute.
- How can I ever repay you.
- No, no. We want no blowjob.
You take hedgehog.
His history has moved everybody.
He went from zero
to hero within a moment.
As a criminal he went to jail.
Now, cleared of charges,
he exits in glory and fame
to enjoy the deserved freedom.
Twinkle twinke my hegdehog
You're a real celebrity
Now you're sleeping in my bed
You've found your safe harbor
Now you're only mine
I won't let anybody hurt you
Cos ' I lov...
Lilka, you idiot,
so many years on the job
hasn't taught you anything.
I'm fuckin'great, eh?
I'm fuckin'great, eh?
Isn't he great?
The spikes, the charm.
I can hear the sound of coins
In my pocket.
You've rejected a genius!
Now, I'm moving mountains.
When I look at my child
I'm so very proud.
I hear praises for the clone
"Your work brings us joy"
I can hear the Nobel Prize coming
Better late than never!
Even if you're famous
And a wallet full of money
And hold Grammies, Emmies, MTVAwards
And all the other awards
No, don't call me
Not yet.
I'm fuckin'great, eh?
Don't call me
Fuck this shit!
I guess I love you.
I love you.
Remember Aga?
The one that only used
to date ginger guys?
Imagine that:
She married a blond guy!
Nicolas, cool guy.
Remember Michael?
Imagine that:
He's giving a big show tonight.
And you won't believe
who else will perform!
That hedgehog of yours!
Awesome, right?
George...
"Viva the Most Famous!"
He's great.
I have to say,
I haven't seen anything better
Than that since
the Viennese actionists.
Only America could have
produced such genius.
It's obvious that
an event of that scale
Could not happen without the presence
of George the Hedgehog.
And mine, his manager.
I've created him after all.
Hello, I'm Michael's friend.
My name is Yola.
Check the guest list.
Hey, George! George!
Leave him alone.
Get lost, ok? George, wait up!
I told you to leave it.
Let go of me! Ouch!
- He doesn't want to see you anymore,
got it? - What?
Don't let her in again.
Our star has got bored with her.
- You could have chosen my sand castle.
- Want a Sex On The Beach?
What the fuck have you done to yourself?
Let's get out of here.
- But I like it here.
- What? This place reeks with shit!
At least nobody beats me.
- I am respected.
- You're pathetic. Out, out, raus!
We've just seen an amazing monodrama
"Manhattan, 8AM"
by our great guest from America,
Michael,
Who apparently has a Polish root.
Fuck! What is this shit?
- What did you get me into?
- No, no, no.
Don't confuse rotten US entertainment
with the healthy Polish fun.
He's good.
- It's just the beginning.
- Sure thing!
It's about time for the creep
to state clearly who would be
the best leader of the nation.
I got you a big gig
at the National Stadium.
It will be broadcast live on TV.
I'll send you the exact script tomorrow.
But if anything goes wrong...
- I know, my head up my ass.
- Exactly.
What's happened darling?
Nothing.
- Your husband left you?
- No, the other one. He threw me out.
From home?
No. From the club.
- He didn't even want to speak to me.
- What? George?
George!
I don't really get what's going on here.
- Were you at some club tonight?
- Are you crazy?
I can hardly move.
- Jesus Lilka, are you high or what?
- Looks familiar?
- Lilka?
- And this? Looks familiar?
Lilka, stop it. Help!
Let go of me! Help! Rape!
What the hell is this?
Can you explain all this to me?
Fuck me!
What a piece of crap!
What have they done with me?
George!
George, sometimes we're standing
on the edge.
But we have to face the abyss.
Sometimes looking into the mirror,
Inside the reality
is like
casting a glance inside the mirror...
I found that a few days ago
by the river.
I thought it could be
something important to you.
Lilka, I have never said this
to anybody in my life before:
Thank you.
You're a whore with a golden heart.
ELECTION ANNOUNCEM EN
Hey, why are you so uncool?
I'm sad because nobody invited me
to an awesome party.
"If your life falls apart,
call your politician for a new start"
Fak it!
Me and my homie invite you to
a far out rave
at the National Stadium!
Everybody! Choose...
To go to the National Stadium
on Saturday.
This airtime was paid
for by the election committees.
I thought you were
not my problem anymore.
I came to visit a friend.
Anyway, it's time to talk
about splitting the dough.
You'll get the money after
the concert.
- At least give me a fucking advance.
- Don't be greedy!
I got you a monthly
travel card, haven't I?
Can I have an autograph?
Wow! Awesome. Fak it!
He's the best.
- All the 3rd graders love you!
- Scram! Go home!
He's even better live than on TV.
What's up, fak it?!
Cock! Fuck!
Let the artist in!
And now, for your pleasure:
George the Hedgehog!
Fuck, how am I supposed
to get there now?
Ladies and gentlemen,
let your idol rest a bit.
Fuck.
Zenek, what did we get from
all of this? I'm asking you?
What is all this cash good for
If we can't do what we really love?
Yeah,
it was different with our hedgehog.
We didn't have to ask anybody for
permission o kick the shit out of him.
- Those were the days.
- Yes, congressman,
- now it's the time.
- Now he'll support me? Good!
Ladies and gentlemen,
George the Hedgehog
will be right back
and he'll have something
important to tell you.
He's here! He's here.
Howdee, homie! Yo, homie?
Far out! Funky!
I dig your work, dude.
Yo! Fak it!
That was fun
but there are also important things
such as POLAND and the best person
to take care of it is...
He got stuck. Quick,
get the syringe.
What the fuck is this?
They didn't say they had more
of these!
It's a pretty stinky situation.
You had me at hello!
So that's what's going on!
Dude, there's only place
for one Hedgehog in this town!
You think it's me?
This is supposed to be me?
Listen, it's bullshit!
It's not me!
Come, son. Daddy will comfort you.
Look Zenek,
hedgehogs can swim after all!
Get him! Right now!
Get the hedgehog off him
you dumb fucks!
Easy.
Idiots!
It's the wrong hedgehog!
Fak it!
Zenek, we're leaving!
Think, think, think, think.
Watch out George!
Yola! Get out from here!
Congressman! Hello!
- I don't have time right now.
- Do something!
- But they will kill each other!
- Send an email to my office.
"Take matters into your own hands!"
Daddy!
Yes, son?
Years of work.
Years of sacrifices.
And this is what I get.
Let go of me!
I have to get in there.
George is there!
What? You don't like me?
Let her go!
I can't see!
Yola, jump!
Disappointed that your boyfriend
is not an idol?
Pull me up and I'll make you a star.
I'll give you so much dough...
- What the hell, Yola?
- Thank you darling!
- What are you doing, Yola?
- You knew what's good for you.
Damn girl,
you know how to build up tension.
- But you know that...
- I know.
You'd have managed on your own.
What's the PHD for,
they asked?
Unnoticed, unappreciated,
badly paid
My god, it's just like us.
...Forced to teach a band of morons,
Who instead of mastering
the beauty of M-xylen...
I've exposed you so cut
the bullshit grandpa.
Better tell me where
that smart ass from
Media Politics
Fucking President Consulting is.
Now you will be kissing my feet.
Son, it has finally happened
You've reached maturity
Go and enjoy every beautiful moment
of life.
Fak it.
One question - were we ever supposed
to meet under that bridge?
Under the bridge?
That's a funny idea.
It's good that everything came back
to normal.
So, nothing has changed between us?
Yeah, unless you'd like
to move in with me.
- I can give you the keys.
- What?! Into that shithole?
Come on.
Well, you know
I can't just leave my husband.
I'm catholic after all.
- So? Everything like in the old times?
- No, it will be much better
You just have to be careful when...
- I'm not sure I can reach that.
- Congratulations!
I knew right away that you
- the real hedgehog
- were on the right side.
- Hey, not the nose.
"It wasn't me!"
"Super Truth"
Surprise!
- Thanks George!
- What for?
I became famous.
Thanks to you the celebrities
of this world have noticed me.
I'm playing in a different league now.
- Lilka, honey, hop in.
- Oh, hi Tiger.
Stefan, the dinner's on the table.
Surprise! Look who came to visit us!
Please, give Michael a hug.
Go on, you're brothers after all.
Nice bling-bling. You stole it?
Stefan, Michael made
a fortune in the States!
There you go.
And everybody was mad at me when
I told him to get
the fuck out of this house.
Look, Michael is a Hollywood star!
What great sons I have!
Good afternoon.
Can Stefan come out and play?
Zenek!
Wait up, it's not what you think.
Zenek, let me explain that.
It's not that simple.
Mother used to work in tourism
and she went to Africa once.
It was all cool until
some tribe recognized
A M zimu in her, or something.
The blacks massacred
the whole group
And they kidnapped
and tortured my mother.
She managed to run away
and get back to Poland.
But beforehand, a sorcerer from
the village had put a spell on her.
And that's how Michael was born.
Fuck, nobody will even spit
in my face now.
Don't worry,
I won't tell anyone.
Everybody has a secret.
I was once kidnapped
by UFO from outer space.
What?!
Fuck. It was nighttime.
I was coming back from an Oi!
Concert
I got a bit lost and suddenly
I saw them:
Aliens from outer space
and their ship.
Strong lights,
strange silhouettes,
Sweet smell in the air.
They invited me on board.
It was amazing, I'm telling you.
And then in the morning,
a little problem.
The aliens must have performed
some tests on me...
You know, my clothes were
are messy and that pain...
They must have stuck
a probe into my...
No, don't tell me more.
Everybody has the right
to his secret.
The most important thing is, guys,
that everything came back to normal.
The cameraman is a wanker!
Can I have some
of that delicious pork dish
with the exotic name "Fak it"
It's time to start enjoying life!
You know Yolanda,
Once, during a friendly game of chess
I think it was in Buenos Aires
One famous check player,
listen to this:
He made a finishing move with...
With the queen!
Ladies and gentlemen,
This nomination
doesn't surprise anybody
The chosen person knows youth
and its problems very well.
Please welcome,
The new Education Minister!
To you I say: Good morning,
To the dearest youth: Yo yo, wussup?
And to the teachers: Fuck you.
Howdee? Halleluyah!
Boss, one vodka please.
- Sit in or take away?
- Sit in.
- 15 zloty.
- Last time it was 12!
We started charging
an extra 3 zloty donation
For the support
of Polish science
I've always supported Polish science.
And that professor, who is disgusted
with the student's knowledge says
"You want to finish your studies?"
And... The student replies: "yes".
To which the professor says:
"You just did".
A little anecdote from Uni.
Funny, isn't it?
I know a better one:
"What does the University President
should know most of all?"
"Where the dean is!"
No? How about that?
"There's a Pole,
a Russian and a German... "
I love you.
bSubtitle Rip; TheHeLL/b
- Yes, professor.
Reading sample.
Analysis completed.
Project "idol"ready
for implementation.
Genetic material needed.
Visualisation of the perfect donor
in progress.
What the fuck? A hedgehog?
You heard what the computer said.
We need to provide genetic material.
Where the hell am I supposed
to find a hedgehog in this city?
George the Hedgehog
Is this the kind of law you need?
The young are allowed everything
and the old nothing?
Hey you, what's in the bottle?
Hey kid!
No, no need for that, really, no.
That's the kind of youngster
I support.
Luckily nobody got hurt.
Thank god that I was in the area.
Jeez, those people, what a day.
Professor,
I have found a perfect donor.
- A hedgehog?
- Yes. A hedgehog.
So what are you waiting for?
Get him!
Tofu in 5 flavours, please!
One tofu for the gentleman.
Oh sorry, I don't have change.
Please, follow me to the back.
I have change there.
Woohoo! Boys!
I thought of you because
I haven't had anything
- on my mouth for ages
- Good eewening, madam.
Fuck me!
- With pleasure: Call me Lilka.
- Got some change?
Why? For that dough you can
get much more,
Take me to the candy shop,
let me lick your...
George?
Honey, what are you doing
in such company?
What company?
- This 100, I was just about to...
- Pardon me, the rate is 150.
The lady asked me if I could
break a 100 and I can't... so fuck it.
You wanker, you're a pig,
not a hedgehog!
Huh, how's things anyway?
I'm cruising around town
with my girlfriends.
And that pansy of yours is probably
the chauffeur, right?
He might be pansy
but he's still my husband.
Kris is rocking
at a concert while we speak.
Kriss Kross... huh, huh.
So? Coming or not?
Unless you have something better to do?
What the hell, why not?
Girls!
Evening beautiful ladies,
how are you doing?
Make some room,
this guy can sting.
- Whose ride is this?
- What do you mean? It's Michael's.
- Who's Michaels?
- Michael,
- the mega-artist from the States.
- You're standing on him right now.
No!
Stefan darling?
Did you have nightmares again?
Would you like some cocoa?
How about a sandwich?
Not enough butter... old witch...
Marian! Check this out!
God! What a great sight!
- See you later girls!
- See you G!
You're tickling, huh.
- Hello? Who's this?
- Me.
- Theresa?
- What Theresa?
Oh, it's you, assistant.
Have you collected
the genetic material yet?
- No. Not yet.
- So what are you waiting for?
Think of something!
I remember you always missed
your deadlines as a student.
Mountains, lakes, the sea.
This country has everything it takes
to be great
And I can't even afford a beer.
Fuck.
- Maybe it's because
we don't have a canyon? - What?
A canyon, you know -
a big hole in the ground.
The States have a great big hole
and they are great aren't they?
It's not a matter of holes
in the ground!
You know what is Poland's
biggest problem?
Aliens, who drink our blood,
steal the land of our fathers
- and disgrace our women.
- You mean those aliens?
I have scratches all over me.
Aliens like him?
- Exactly.
- What shall we do?
What do you think?
Beat the shit out of the hedgehog
and then we'll shave
the traitor of our race.
Hey, and why are we so shaven,
actually?
Are you coming, you fuck?
White power, white power
Can you feel it?
- Hey you, baldy!
- What?
Ouch...
Thanks,
I would have managed on my own.
I also manage on my own,
but it's better
to do certain things together.
What?
What's going on here?
Please, stop immediately!
You're kissing my wife around
the area of her lips.
Don't worry, Kris.
Don't tell when to worry
and when not, woman!
I'm about to get really angry and
you'll regret it, unfaithful.
How dare you?
This gentleman really saved me from
these thugs! And you? What have you done?
- Really?
- Mrs. Yola almost fainted
When she witnessed
the violence that unfolded.
- I had to perform mouth-to-mouth.
- What would you like to say about that?
I'm terribly sorry.
I don't know how
to express my gratitude.
Chill out. Just sponsor
a brew and we're even.
Cheers, Kriss Kross.
She had great boobs.
- Almost like my sister.
- I've seen better.
Oh yeah? Where?
- Who the hell are you?
- Can't you see?
He's a jedi.
What times do we live in, eh?
One cannot feel safe
in his own country.
Gents, would you like to do something
for Poland
and get rid of the hedgehog and
at the same time make loads of money?
Fuck, what is this shithole?
Maybe it's a matter of lighting?
Whom have you brought me, assistant?
Professor, let me introduce:
Stefan und Zenek.
Welcome to my temple,
travelers craving knowledge.
Temple? I'm warning you,
if this is some kind of mason shit...
Let's get inside,
we'll explain everything there.
See? I told you it's
a matter of lighting.
Impressive, right?
No, you don't have to answer.
The older I get the greedier
for compliments I become.
Ok, old man, cut the crap
And tell us what
to do with the hedgehog.
You seem ready for action, boys.
I used to teach at a university
My students were boys like you.
- Are you interested in biology?
- No fuckin' way.
Exactly.
Wait a minute,
that gentleman promised us money.
OK. There will be money but first
You need to collect
a DNA sample of George the Hedgehog.
I won't spank the hedgehog's monkey!
All we need is some needles,
some blood
and a smear from
the inner side of his cheek. That's it.
Once you've collected it,
You have to eliminate the hedgehog.
He'll get such an ass kicking
that he'll be sorry to live.
I think we've misunderstood ourselves.
You have to kill him.
- What do you mean, kill him?
- Just like that, until he's dead.
It's just a hedgehog after all.
Beer, flowers, Beer, flowers,
Beer, flowers, fuck.
Buying anything or you gonna
keep on prayin' like this?
Just a sec. I'm wondering what gift
to buy for my girlfriend.
With that money
you can afford three roses and a brew.
And if she's less of a classy lady then
buy one rose and a quarter of vodka.
Of course we want a brew.
Two brew in fact. And one rose.
Thief!
Beat the skinheads!
Zenek! Now! Give him a nibble!
Are you guys out of your damn minds?
I'll have to go to the vet now.
- I've got the blood.
- And I've got the spikes.
We rocked.
Years of work.
Years of sacrifices.
At last!
People used to laugh
at me and my research...
No, it wasn't easy but we managed.
He yelped like a dog.
At the end I gave him such a Glasgow
kiss that all his needles fell off.
- Was there a lot of blood?
- Like in a butcher's house.
And what have you done
with the body?
It worked, gentlemen!
This is the most incredible
experiment of my life!
Once I met aliens from outer space.
And for me, that was the most...
Daddy?
- How the fuck did he just get here?
- The shit has hit the fan.
Stefan, do something.
"George calling"
Yola! Long time no see.
How's things? When can we meet?
What will the opponent do?
In ten minutes outside
the building, ok?
Kris, darling,
I'm popping out!
What? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Phenomenal move on the horse!
- Damn! Check mate.
- I can see the coach running to him.
They are so happy!
They've waited for that
for so many years.
This is not George, you idiots!
It's a clone!
- Do you know what a clone is?
- Aftershave.
Clone-my-ass. Looks like a hedgehog
so it will get its ass kicked
- like a hedgehog.
- It's a hen that lays golden eggs.
It's a metaphor, of course
not like the ones at your
family's place in the countryside
The hedgehog has a potential
- That you wouldn't even dream of,
morons. - Oh yeah? I have potential too.
- Why don't you clone me?
- Very funny.
We've collected lots of data.
The calculations took months.
Finally, the computer produced:
A hedgehog.
If he's so damn cool
why did you tell us to whack him?
He had one key defect,
we couldn't control him.
The clone is a different story.
The clone, if it's steered
in the right direction
Can become the biggest
money-making machine
Since Michael Jackson!
Zenek, please wipe Mr.
Clone's nose.
- Years of work. Years of sacrifices.
- Not now, professor.
First of all we need to think
of a good strategy.
There goes your fucking hedgehog.
- Shall we move on to some sweet lovin'?
- Maybe we can order something first?
- OK. Sweet dessert for a start?
- Get me the Gondolier's cone, ok?
You're so high maintenance, girl.
Oh, got any dough, by the way?
Just kidding...
Wow, a fun park!
Jesus, what's wrong with you?
Got hammered again?
Get off me! What are you doing?
Don't be embarrassing.
What an animal.
People are watching.
Yola, what's wrong?
What are you on about?
Where are you going?
Yola, wait up!
Stop, in the name of love!
- There he is!
- What the hell?
Enough for now.
Let's get back to the lab.
Come, son.
Daddy will comfort you.
Damn junkies.
Who the hell was that dude?
Yoohoo! Hedgehog.
Time to go home.
Damn clone.
Get out you creep, or else!
Get out or it's going to hurt!
Damn you! You've crossed the line.
You just wait, damn it! I'II...
What?
Nice, they really did good
on that one.
Got you,
motherfucking cutie pie.
You won't run away!
Stefan, look.
That's not good.
If they find out that we didn't kill him
Then there's no way we'll get
the money.
Ok, we beat the shit out of him
and hide him in the bin.
Quick, turn around.
Stefan!
There you are? Got you!
What do we have here, Samantha?
Sir, the animal has no leach,
no muzzle.
That's a penalty ticket.
I'm terribly sorry.
Next time, I won't let them run
around without a muzzle.
Hold it!
I see a fool with a devil
riding on a chariot...
Into the car, move it!
Really,
they are more stupid than I thought.
If your life falls apart,
call your politician for a new start
What would you have done without me?
I guess they kicked
your head pretty hard.
I'll take you home.
Again?!
Don't ever call me again.
My son has mastered multiplication!
Ergh, well done Professor.
Multiplication-my-ass,
you've fucked it up!
- The hedgehog has survived!
- Dude, take it easy.
- We couldn't find his pulse,
honestly. - Silence!
From now on you're doing
everything my way, understood?
Or else get the fuck out!
Is that clear?
- Yes sir!
- Is that clear?
Yes sir!
Honey, we have a visitor -
your hero.
- Good day madam.
- The gentleman that saved you.
Get this creep out, Kris.
- But we haven't finished the game yet.
- Be a man for once!
I want this hedgehog out of my house!
- I guess it's time for you.
- Yola!
Oh, you know how it is,
When she has THOSE days
It's impossible
to speak human to a human.
Out!
Yola, I mean Mrs.
Yola, what's wrong with you?
You should come later.
We'll play a game of chess,
talk, have a laugh.
See, I kicked him out, woman.
- And now, gimme a sucky sucky.
- What am I supposed to do?!
Cup of tea. Cup of tea, please.
The European hedgehog hunts at night
and loves all sorts of snails
and rotten fruits.
Among the rattling forest leaves
a handsome female appears.
The hedgehogs then run around
for several hours until they reach
an orgasm.
There you go!
Yep, it's all over now.
And then I told her... you know.
You will never walk alone!
Poland will be
the champion of Poland!
Yola calling
Hello?
What's up George?
I mean, how's things?
I'm more interested in
how things are with you, Yola.
Yola? Yola, I'm here!
Yeah, we have to meet, you know.
- And sort everything out.
- I have nothing to sort out.
I'll explain everything when we meet.
How about tonight
under the Poniatowski bridge?
Where? Under the bridge?
Yeah, I have to be... careful.
- My husband, Karl, got so suspicious.
- Karl? You mean Kris?
Yeah, sure. Did I say Karl?
So? Will you come or not?
Please!
Please, please.
OK. I'll be there.
Mission completed.
I dig your toys.
Yola?
Served on a golden platter.
We'll crush you!
Freedom!
Fucking hell.
Give it here.
Why do I have to do everything
on my own?
Throw him into the river.
What are you waiting for?
Help me. Go on.
Stefan, can hedgehogs swim?
Camera stop! Cut!
Wipe the vomit. Second take.
He's strong, intelli...,
ehm, very strong.
And funny.
And his name is:
Gheorghe the HeedgehAg, Fak it!
George the Hedgehog -
the new hero of the youth.
Visit our website and buy a t-shirt.
Perfect!
Our creation was seen by
half a million internet users already!
Nobel Prize, at last!
Soon, thanks to that clone,
we'll make millions.
You mean that cologne
that has just left?
- Where is he?
- One second.
Where would I go if I was him?
SEX SHOP
The suspect was caught
in a rapid police action.
The level of damages caused
By the criminal is as yet unknown.
The estimated numbers point to
hundreds of thousands.
We got access to important
CCTVrecordings.
These are drastic images
only for mature viewers.
And I played chess with him!
I hope they will teach him in jail
How to behave in the civilized world.
It was a black day for
the pink business.
And the whole plan got fucked.
- Shut up you idiot. - Yes?
- Not everything is lost yet.
I got a year of probation
for less serious shit.
Years of work.
Years of sacrifices.
- So we won't be millionaires?
- Let me think, damn it!
If your life falls apart,
call your politician for a new start
- Congressman, someone to see you.
- Come in.
Good day, sir.
I have a delicate matter to discuss.
Start talking.
I represent the world-reknown
international company
Media Politics Creative
Consulting Strategy President.
Me too, punk.
Mind saying that in English?
Our company is carefully observing
the most promising
politicians on the globe.
Among them,
we've been watching you.
You're suggesting that
I'm promising most to people?
Who said that?
You got that on record?
I meant the most hopeful politicians.
Simply: The best ones.
We think you have
a chance of becoming a president.
Me?
Exactly, your support among
The voters over 59 is impressing.
But we both know that everything
Nowadays depends on young people.
We know how to win over the youth.
Richie, stop the recording!
I checked this morning, two million
people have already seen this video.
You mean I should get
this creep out of jail
and then it would support me
and its popularity
would provide me voters?
You get it out and then
go straight to the White House!
I guess that creep is an OK bloke.
All he wanted was
to shag some rubber dolls.
So...
Oh, pardon me
Do we have a deal?
That won't be easy.
I'll have to use my contacts.
But keep your chin up,
I'll deal with it.
But if you screw me over
I'll shove your head up your ass.
So where are we standing?
One more time.
You're funny.
If anybody would like to bone you.
Tell them you're Roman's bitch.
- And then they won't bone me?
- They'll still bone you.
But at least you'll get
a smoke afterwards.
Fak it!
I'm a great fan of his and
I think a great career awaits him.
He's just, wow,
hedge-hogging awesome!
If you think of the rubber dolls
that exploded after encountering
the hard needle of the hedgehog,
this was de facto a metaphor
Of our expectations
and existential hopes
Confronted with
the hard crust of reality.
It's nothing else than a sign
of rebellion.
The hedgehog has shown what
a social frustration could lead to.
George, to many people out there,
outside the prison walls
You are already a hero.
Do you think that justice will prevail
and you will be set free?
- It was an act of art!
- Yes.
Uncompromised,
great act of art!
Of course.
I would even call it
an artistic happening.
It was damn brave.
Meanwhile, in this provincial country
an artist is treated as criminal.
And we'll end the show
with this heated debate.
Please, watch us next week.
Coming up, a commercial break
and then the weather.
So? Speechless, eh?
That's how PR is done, hell yeah.
Your creep will be set free soon.
Be ready.
Nobody's around.
We can pull it out.
Uh, heavy.
It must be an octopus.
What's that?
I think it's that hedgehog.
A lot of hedgehog equals
a lot of five-spice pork.
Yoo hoo! Sweethearts!
Would you like some?
What are you hiding there?
No, no, have nothing.
Goodnight, madam.
- We want no blowjob.
- Hey, but that's...
I know that hedgehog!
Know this hedgehog?
What have you done with it?
We save. He drown.
- Damn it! They're totally nuts.
- Breeding hedgehogs!
We bred them at university but only
for scientific research.
Which proves that the biology department
Brought shame to the school.
Hey, sweethearts
I don't know what this is all about,
but you are really cute.
- How can I ever repay you.
- No, no. We want no blowjob.
You take hedgehog.
His history has moved everybody.
He went from zero
to hero within a moment.
As a criminal he went to jail.
Now, cleared of charges,
he exits in glory and fame
to enjoy the deserved freedom.
Twinkle twinke my hegdehog
You're a real celebrity
Now you're sleeping in my bed
You've found your safe harbor
Now you're only mine
I won't let anybody hurt you
Cos ' I lov...
Lilka, you idiot,
so many years on the job
hasn't taught you anything.
I'm fuckin'great, eh?
I'm fuckin'great, eh?
Isn't he great?
The spikes, the charm.
I can hear the sound of coins
In my pocket.
You've rejected a genius!
Now, I'm moving mountains.
When I look at my child
I'm so very proud.
I hear praises for the clone
"Your work brings us joy"
I can hear the Nobel Prize coming
Better late than never!
Even if you're famous
And a wallet full of money
And hold Grammies, Emmies, MTVAwards
And all the other awards
No, don't call me
Not yet.
I'm fuckin'great, eh?
Don't call me
Fuck this shit!
I guess I love you.
I love you.
Remember Aga?
The one that only used
to date ginger guys?
Imagine that:
She married a blond guy!
Nicolas, cool guy.
Remember Michael?
Imagine that:
He's giving a big show tonight.
And you won't believe
who else will perform!
That hedgehog of yours!
Awesome, right?
George...
"Viva the Most Famous!"
He's great.
I have to say,
I haven't seen anything better
Than that since
the Viennese actionists.
Only America could have
produced such genius.
It's obvious that
an event of that scale
Could not happen without the presence
of George the Hedgehog.
And mine, his manager.
I've created him after all.
Hello, I'm Michael's friend.
My name is Yola.
Check the guest list.
Hey, George! George!
Leave him alone.
Get lost, ok? George, wait up!
I told you to leave it.
Let go of me! Ouch!
- He doesn't want to see you anymore,
got it? - What?
Don't let her in again.
Our star has got bored with her.
- You could have chosen my sand castle.
- Want a Sex On The Beach?
What the fuck have you done to yourself?
Let's get out of here.
- But I like it here.
- What? This place reeks with shit!
At least nobody beats me.
- I am respected.
- You're pathetic. Out, out, raus!
We've just seen an amazing monodrama
"Manhattan, 8AM"
by our great guest from America,
Michael,
Who apparently has a Polish root.
Fuck! What is this shit?
- What did you get me into?
- No, no, no.
Don't confuse rotten US entertainment
with the healthy Polish fun.
He's good.
- It's just the beginning.
- Sure thing!
It's about time for the creep
to state clearly who would be
the best leader of the nation.
I got you a big gig
at the National Stadium.
It will be broadcast live on TV.
I'll send you the exact script tomorrow.
But if anything goes wrong...
- I know, my head up my ass.
- Exactly.
What's happened darling?
Nothing.
- Your husband left you?
- No, the other one. He threw me out.
From home?
No. From the club.
- He didn't even want to speak to me.
- What? George?
George!
I don't really get what's going on here.
- Were you at some club tonight?
- Are you crazy?
I can hardly move.
- Jesus Lilka, are you high or what?
- Looks familiar?
- Lilka?
- And this? Looks familiar?
Lilka, stop it. Help!
Let go of me! Help! Rape!
What the hell is this?
Can you explain all this to me?
Fuck me!
What a piece of crap!
What have they done with me?
George!
George, sometimes we're standing
on the edge.
But we have to face the abyss.
Sometimes looking into the mirror,
Inside the reality
is like
casting a glance inside the mirror...
I found that a few days ago
by the river.
I thought it could be
something important to you.
Lilka, I have never said this
to anybody in my life before:
Thank you.
You're a whore with a golden heart.
ELECTION ANNOUNCEM EN
Hey, why are you so uncool?
I'm sad because nobody invited me
to an awesome party.
"If your life falls apart,
call your politician for a new start"
Fak it!
Me and my homie invite you to
a far out rave
at the National Stadium!
Everybody! Choose...
To go to the National Stadium
on Saturday.
This airtime was paid
for by the election committees.
I thought you were
not my problem anymore.
I came to visit a friend.
Anyway, it's time to talk
about splitting the dough.
You'll get the money after
the concert.
- At least give me a fucking advance.
- Don't be greedy!
I got you a monthly
travel card, haven't I?
Can I have an autograph?
Wow! Awesome. Fak it!
He's the best.
- All the 3rd graders love you!
- Scram! Go home!
He's even better live than on TV.
What's up, fak it?!
Cock! Fuck!
Let the artist in!
And now, for your pleasure:
George the Hedgehog!
Fuck, how am I supposed
to get there now?
Ladies and gentlemen,
let your idol rest a bit.
Fuck.
Zenek, what did we get from
all of this? I'm asking you?
What is all this cash good for
If we can't do what we really love?
Yeah,
it was different with our hedgehog.
We didn't have to ask anybody for
permission o kick the shit out of him.
- Those were the days.
- Yes, congressman,
- now it's the time.
- Now he'll support me? Good!
Ladies and gentlemen,
George the Hedgehog
will be right back
and he'll have something
important to tell you.
He's here! He's here.
Howdee, homie! Yo, homie?
Far out! Funky!
I dig your work, dude.
Yo! Fak it!
That was fun
but there are also important things
such as POLAND and the best person
to take care of it is...
He got stuck. Quick,
get the syringe.
What the fuck is this?
They didn't say they had more
of these!
It's a pretty stinky situation.
You had me at hello!
So that's what's going on!
Dude, there's only place
for one Hedgehog in this town!
You think it's me?
This is supposed to be me?
Listen, it's bullshit!
It's not me!
Come, son. Daddy will comfort you.
Look Zenek,
hedgehogs can swim after all!
Get him! Right now!
Get the hedgehog off him
you dumb fucks!
Easy.
Idiots!
It's the wrong hedgehog!
Fak it!
Zenek, we're leaving!
Think, think, think, think.
Watch out George!
Yola! Get out from here!
Congressman! Hello!
- I don't have time right now.
- Do something!
- But they will kill each other!
- Send an email to my office.
"Take matters into your own hands!"
Daddy!
Yes, son?
Years of work.
Years of sacrifices.
And this is what I get.
Let go of me!
I have to get in there.
George is there!
What? You don't like me?
Let her go!
I can't see!
Yola, jump!
Disappointed that your boyfriend
is not an idol?
Pull me up and I'll make you a star.
I'll give you so much dough...
- What the hell, Yola?
- Thank you darling!
- What are you doing, Yola?
- You knew what's good for you.
Damn girl,
you know how to build up tension.
- But you know that...
- I know.
You'd have managed on your own.
What's the PHD for,
they asked?
Unnoticed, unappreciated,
badly paid
My god, it's just like us.
...Forced to teach a band of morons,
Who instead of mastering
the beauty of M-xylen...
I've exposed you so cut
the bullshit grandpa.
Better tell me where
that smart ass from
Media Politics
Fucking President Consulting is.
Now you will be kissing my feet.
Son, it has finally happened
You've reached maturity
Go and enjoy every beautiful moment
of life.
Fak it.
One question - were we ever supposed
to meet under that bridge?
Under the bridge?
That's a funny idea.
It's good that everything came back
to normal.
So, nothing has changed between us?
Yeah, unless you'd like
to move in with me.
- I can give you the keys.
- What?! Into that shithole?
Come on.
Well, you know
I can't just leave my husband.
I'm catholic after all.
- So? Everything like in the old times?
- No, it will be much better
You just have to be careful when...
- I'm not sure I can reach that.
- Congratulations!
I knew right away that you
- the real hedgehog
- were on the right side.
- Hey, not the nose.
"It wasn't me!"
"Super Truth"
Surprise!
- Thanks George!
- What for?
I became famous.
Thanks to you the celebrities
of this world have noticed me.
I'm playing in a different league now.
- Lilka, honey, hop in.
- Oh, hi Tiger.
Stefan, the dinner's on the table.
Surprise! Look who came to visit us!
Please, give Michael a hug.
Go on, you're brothers after all.
Nice bling-bling. You stole it?
Stefan, Michael made
a fortune in the States!
There you go.
And everybody was mad at me when
I told him to get
the fuck out of this house.
Look, Michael is a Hollywood star!
What great sons I have!
Good afternoon.
Can Stefan come out and play?
Zenek!
Wait up, it's not what you think.
Zenek, let me explain that.
It's not that simple.
Mother used to work in tourism
and she went to Africa once.
It was all cool until
some tribe recognized
A M zimu in her, or something.
The blacks massacred
the whole group
And they kidnapped
and tortured my mother.
She managed to run away
and get back to Poland.
But beforehand, a sorcerer from
the village had put a spell on her.
And that's how Michael was born.
Fuck, nobody will even spit
in my face now.
Don't worry,
I won't tell anyone.
Everybody has a secret.
I was once kidnapped
by UFO from outer space.
What?!
Fuck. It was nighttime.
I was coming back from an Oi!
Concert
I got a bit lost and suddenly
I saw them:
Aliens from outer space
and their ship.
Strong lights,
strange silhouettes,
Sweet smell in the air.
They invited me on board.
It was amazing, I'm telling you.
And then in the morning,
a little problem.
The aliens must have performed
some tests on me...
You know, my clothes were
are messy and that pain...
They must have stuck
a probe into my...
No, don't tell me more.
Everybody has the right
to his secret.
The most important thing is, guys,
that everything came back to normal.
The cameraman is a wanker!
Can I have some
of that delicious pork dish
with the exotic name "Fak it"
It's time to start enjoying life!
You know Yolanda,
Once, during a friendly game of chess
I think it was in Buenos Aires
One famous check player,
listen to this:
He made a finishing move with...
With the queen!
Ladies and gentlemen,
This nomination
doesn't surprise anybody
The chosen person knows youth
and its problems very well.
Please welcome,
The new Education Minister!
To you I say: Good morning,
To the dearest youth: Yo yo, wussup?
And to the teachers: Fuck you.
Howdee? Halleluyah!
Boss, one vodka please.
- Sit in or take away?
- Sit in.
- 15 zloty.
- Last time it was 12!
We started charging
an extra 3 zloty donation
For the support
of Polish science
I've always supported Polish science.
And that professor, who is disgusted
with the student's knowledge says
"You want to finish your studies?"
And... The student replies: "yes".
To which the professor says:
"You just did".
A little anecdote from Uni.
Funny, isn't it?
I know a better one:
"What does the University President
should know most of all?"
"Where the dean is!"
No? How about that?
"There's a Pole,
a Russian and a German... "
I love you.
bSubtitle Rip; TheHeLL/b