Jim Gaffigan: King Baby (2009) Movie Script
[upbeat rockabilly music]
[cheers and applause]
- Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
I just do this for an hour.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was the worst show
I've ever seen.
I paid over $40.
After the service fee,
it was 90.
[laughter]
Convenience charge?
Convenient way to
rip us off.
[gasps]
He's like Pearl Jam.
[laughter]
He's picking on the man!
Hey, wait a minute.
He looks like the man.
He's kind of pudgy,
maybe he ate the man.
I don't even know what man
we're talking about.
I thought he'd be paler.
At least as pale as that CD
where he looks like
a pedophile.
[cheers and applause]
Well, he was good
in "Capote."
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
How large is his head?
Is he storing another head
inside of there?
He could be a mascot.
He could be a mascot
for the Mormons.
[laughter]
I'm already sick
of this voice.
When's he gonna start
cracking it?
It is great to be here
in Austin.
Thank you for coming out.
[cheers and applause]
Great to be here.
I've had so much fun here.
I have.
I went bowling.
I don't mean to brag.
Really, there are two types
of people that go bowling.
There are people that
really, really love bowling,
and then there are the people
that are like,
"Wouldn't it be hysterical
if we went bowling?"
[laughter]
'Cause for most of us,
bowling is the activity you do
after you've done
everything else.
It's like,
"Well, we could go bowling,
or we could just
hang ourselves."
"Why don't we go bowling?"
No one's ever jealous
when they hear you went bowling.
"Oh, you went bowling?
Glad I couldn't make it."
But bowling's great.
You got to love a sport
you can eat while you play it.
Never see that in tennis.
"Hey, before you serve,
let me dig into these nachos."
It's a different sport.
There's an ashtray built into
the bowling equipment.
Poker doesn't even have that.
And that hand dryer thing.
If you're sweating
while you're bowling,
you're out of shape.
[cheers and applause]
And if you're out of shape
and you're bowling,
you're probably
a professional bowler.
[laughter]
There's nothing really healthy
about bowling.
It has to be
the germophobe's nightmare.
Here, put on these moist shoes
10,000 people wore
and stick your fingers
in these dirty holes.
Now you have the flu.
How dirty are those holes?
It's not like those balls
wear out.
They probably haven't
manufactured a bowling ball
in a thousand years.
Someone's out there using
Fred Flintstone's right now.
That is preposterous.
I don't own a bowling ball
'cause I'm not a weirdo.
Yeah, I want to volunteer
to carry around a 50-pound ball.
Can you put it
in a big, ugly purse?
That's how I want to meet
the ladies.
Oh, couldn't help but notice you
staring at my purse.
It's filled
with a big, blue ball.
Mind if I follow you
around the parking lot?
I'll just be humming.
[humming]
Ball in the bag
That's the worst song ever.
I always have to pick out
my bowling ball.
I can never find the right one.
I'm like,
"This one's too heavy.
"Oh, this one's good,
but it's pink,
and my fingers don't fit."
How do they decide
on those finger sizes?
They're either
for a 5-year-old girl
or the Incredible Hulk.
How big are
some people's fingers?
Some guy wearing a catcher's
mitt, "Yeah, it's good.
I can still catch the game.
Don't worry about it."
Those bowling shoes,
no update there.
"You need
our special shoes
before you can roll
our magic ball."
Some people have
their own bowling ball
and their own bowling shoes
and no friends.
That's mean.
I can say that
'cause I like bowling.
I watch bowling on TV
'cause I use my time wisely.
I saw this college team
championship.
Each team had
their own coach.
What kind of strategy advice
is a bowling coach giving?
"You know what?
"This time, Timmy,
I want you to knock down
all the pins."
"You sure?"
"Trust me.
Just do it, son!"
It's weird.
Bowling seems silly, but we all
take it very seriously, right?
Until we get that first
gutter ball.
We're like, "Let me show you
how it's done.
[laughs]
This is a stupid sport."
There's few moments in life as
humiliating as that gutter ball.
The worst part is then
you have to make that turn back
to your friends.
[laughter]
That ball's broken.
It's tilted down there.
You never want to be
the worst bowler of the group,
'cause then everyone treats you
like you have cancer.
"You can do it.
We're praying for you."
The advice starts--
"Use a heavier ball.
Keep your arm straight.
You should get a vasectomy."
[laughter]
If you're really bad
at bowling, like me,
they'll ask if you want
the bumpers up.
It's not like bowling's
that complex anyway.
"You want the bumpers?
We can get rid of the pins.
Why don't you take this coloring
book and sit in the corner?"
[laughter]
But I like bowling,
you know.
It's perfect
for the lazy man.
No other sport has a machine
that rolls the ball back to you
at arm level.
All right,
I'll keep playing.
Is there any way I can do this
in a chair or something?
'Cause I am a lazy man.
I love doing nothing,
which is not good
when you're busy.
You ever have so much to do
so you just decide
to take a nap?
Maybe some elves will come
in here and do this crap.
I think I saw that once
in a movie.
I struggle with my laziness.
I'm like, "Should I sit down
and do nothing,
"or should I lie down
and do nothing?
Hmm."
You'd think lazy people like me
would have been weeded out
by natural selection.
I can't imagine someone like me
in pioneer times.
I really got to harvest
those crops,
or my eight kids aren't gonna
make it through winter.
I'll have other kids.
I got to get back
to staring at the barn.
Maybe I'll read the Bible
for the tenth time.
It's fun doing nothing.
But if you do nothing
for too long,
the most menial task
is exhausting.
You're like, "I actually have to
point the remote control?
"What is this, the '50s?
"Can't I just look at the TV,
and it'll know what
I want to watch?"
You ever been watching TV
for a couple hours,
and you suddenly lose
the remote?
[laughter]
I haven't even gotten up.
I don't remember throwing it.
[laughter]
Well, looks like I'm watching
this infomercial.
We all have the same attitude
on infomercials.
"Who's watching this crap?"
Then three minutes later,
"That's a good point.
"Maybe I need a knife
that can cut a penny.
"Too bad my phone's on
the other side of the room.
I need a remote for my phone."
I think you know
you're addicted to TV
when the battery
in the remote goes out
and you replace it with the
battery from the smoke alarm.
[laughter]
Hey, I only smoke in bed
anyway.
You'll wake me up, remote,
won't you?
Remember when the remote was
three buttons?
Now it's like
an honors math calculator.
I'm just trying to find VH1,
not split an atom.
I watch too much.
I don't understand the people
who don't like TV.
"I just prefer reading."
Have you watched television?
It's way better.
There's pictures,
there's sound,
and, most importantly,
no reading.
I don't even know what people
did before television.
That must have been horrible.
Even in those old-time photos
of people gathered
around the radio,
they're always looking
at the radio like,
"I can't wait
till they invent the TV.
This era sucks."
Why were they even looking
at the radio?
Were they that bored?
Maybe it'll turn into a TV.
That's weird.
I just prefer
the easy way in life. I do.
I see an escalator,
I get excited.
I'm like, "Sweet! All I got
to do is keep my balance."
[laughter]
People look so bored
on escalators.
They're always like...
[sighs]
We should be like,
"I'm going upstairs
without moving my legs!"
I like to pretend I'm in charge
of the escalator.
Turn to the people behind me,
"You guys follow me!
Stand there,
keep that pace."
You ever been on an escalator
and someone starts
walking up behind you?
I'm like,
"Settle down, weirdo.
This is one of the good parts
of life."
How about those people
that take the stairs
right next to the escalator?
What, are you drunk?
This thing's free.
You don't need a ticket.
They're always like,
"I'm taking the stairs
'cause I'm watching
my cholesterol."
And then halfway up, they always
have that look in their eyes.
"I made an enormous mistake.
These stairs are hard."
The escalator definitely makes
you look down on stairs.
You're nothing more
than an organized hill.
The only thing worse
than walking up stairs
is walking up an escalator
that's not working.
Like, "What's the point?
It's like having a dead butler.
I mean, come on."
"My butler died last week."
We all look so confused when
we encounter the escalator
that's not working.
How am I supposed
to get up there?
I'm trapped!
Help! Help!
I don't like it
when they separate
the up and the down escalator.
They do that in malls.
You're like, "Well, here's the
down escalator. Where's the up?"
"Oh, that's conveniently located
a mile away.
Did you bring a canoe?
'Cause there's a river."
It's also amazing after all
our technological advancements
we still can't get
the escalator handrail
to go the same speed
as the escalator.
Looks like my hand's gonna
get up there before me.
See you up there, hand!
I'd wave,
but I don't have a hand.
The moving sidewalk--
that's like the cousin
of the escalator.
Those are sweet.
There is always that moment
when I'm getting off
a moving sidewalk
where I'm like,
"How do I walk again?
I haven't done it
in, like, ten feet."
Learning to walk again
You ever find yourself walking
on a moving sidewalk?
You start passing people.
For a second,
don't you feel bionic?
You're like,
Dun dun dun dun dun dun
See you slowpokes
at the Cinnabon.
Dun dun dun
dun dun dun
He's, like,
a professional walker.
He's like
"Walker, Texas Ranger" walker.
[cheers and applause]
Have you been
on the moving sidewalk
that has the announcement?
"Sidewalk is ending."
Are we that dumb?
Are there people standing
at the end--
"Well, this is going
real slow now"?
"Oh, it stopped?
"Well, why didn't they make
an announcement?
I don't have time to look down.
I'm busy daydreaming here."
That's just weird.
I'm so lazy I still get a kick
out of an automatic door.
Step on the mat,
the door opens.
Hmm, don't mind if I do.
Thank you,
imaginary doorman.
Definitely prefer that
over the revolving doors.
Those stress me out.
I'm like...
[breathing heavily]
How fast is
this piece going?
Occasionally you'll go through
a revolving door with a friend
thinking it'll be fun,
but there's always that moment
when you're in there
where you're like,
"If we get stuck,
I'm eating you!
"I get hypoglycemic.
This air is for me."
Those swinging western doors
are just awkward,
'cause they're so dramatic,
yet they're usually leading you
into a place where
you do not want attention,
like the bathroom
or the adult section
of a video store.
Hey, what's through here?
There's a new sheriff in town!
[laughter]
I'm not even a porn guy,
but just once
I'd like to go to the clerk
in one of those places and go,
"Excuse me,
'Butt Invaders'?
"Yeah, does this have
cursing in it?
"'Cause I'm gonna be watching it
with my church group.
We don't appreciate
that language."
I don't even feel comfortable
when I'm in a movie theater
and there's some graphic
sex scene.
You know, Sean Penn
and Naomi Watts are naked
and I'm sitting
next to someone's grandma,
"You like that, Grandma?
Hello!"
I'm keeping my grandma
away from him.
I went camping recently
for this next joke, and...
[laughter]
I married a woman
who loves to camp,
and I am what you would call
"indoorsy."
I'm surprised we can still get
people to camp.
"Hey, want to burn
a couple of vacation days
sleeping on the ground
outside?"
"Uh, no."
"What if I told you you get to
crap standing up in the woods?"
"I still wouldn't want
to go."
"You'll wake up freezing
covered in a rash."
"All right, I'll go."
My wife
always brings up--
"Camping's a tradition
in my family."
Hey, it was a tradition
in everyone's family
till we came up with the house.
My parents never
took me camping.
You know why?
'Cause they loved me.
"It'll get you closer
to nature."
I want to keep the relationship
professional.
If it's so great outside,
why are all the bugs trying
to get in my house?
Some places you have to pay
to camp.
You have to pay
to sleep outside.
That's got to be insulting
to the homeless people.
"How much this cost you?"
"I live out here!"
"That must be
really expensive."
Occasionally at the campsite,
you'll see the Winnebago.
That's kind of cheating,
isn't it?
Oh, that's what I forgot,
my house.
There's always that one couple
at every campsite
that's been camping
for way too long.
They have the folding chairs,
the Christmas lights in July.
"We'd love to have you
for dinner."
"I'm sure you would.
"Now, how do I get a padlock
on my tent
so we're not eaten
by Ma and Pa Dahmer?"
Happy camper!
Has anyone ever really been
a happy camper?
'Cause whenever we use that
term, we're being sarcastic.
He is not
a happy camper.
Why don't we just
call him a camper?
He's miserable.
You know who's a happy camper?
The guy leaving the campsite.
He's the happiest camper.
He gets to take a shower.
He ruined camping for me.
To be fair, it is beautiful
during the day, you know,
but at night, you're always
like, "We're all gonna die!
There's monsters out there!
I see their eyes!"
I probably wouldn't be so scared
if I wasn't sleeping in a bag.
"Hey, let's prepackage ourselves
for the serial killer, huh?
I can't get away, can you?"
"I can hop for a little,
but I'm dead meat."
You ever have to go
to the bathroom
in the middle of the night?
You always look at your friends,
"Nice knowing you.
"Anyone want to come
and get killed with me,
"or you want to get killed
looking for me?
We're all dead."
It's not just serial killers.
There's bears out there.
Last time I went,
I got this pamphlet that said
if a bear approaches,
you're supposed to play dead.
Really? We're gonna rely
on my acting skills?
Play dead?
Who came up with that?
Maybe the bears.
"Play dead,
cover yourself in honey,
"climb on a large
white plate.
"Don't try to run away from us.
I mean the bears."
How does that even work?
There's a bear.
Uh. Uh.
I hope the bear thinks
we die standing up.
As if bears have
some ethical code.
"I don't mess with dead bodies.
I'm a bear, not an animal."
That was the worst impression
of a bear ever.
Play dead.
I'm not saying that strategy
didn't work once.
But when they find a body
that's been mauled by a bear,
how do they know that guy
wasn't playing dead?
Maybe he was
the best at it.
And the bear was like,
"Great performance,
"but I'm starving,
and he looks like
a burrito."
Why are we even camping
where there's wild animals?
That wouldn't be a selling point
for anything else.
"Oh, it's a beautiful
golf course.
"Plus, around the ninth hole,
there's a pack of wolves.
If they start running at you,
just play through."
The only thing I like to do
outside is lie in a hammock.
That's all
about doing nothing.
It's hard to do anything
once you get in a hammock,
'cause you can't get out.
It's like a giant net
for catching lazy people.
Can't even drink in this!
All you can do it relax,
you know.
You never see someone crying
in a hammock.
[imitates crying]
My life is--
[normal voice]
Oh, this is delightful.
You ever get in a hammock
with someone else?
You'd better be dating 'em,
'cause it looks like you're
trying to start a family.
I got in a hammock
with my cousin.
He still won't talk to me.
He made the hammock
a dirty thing.
Hammock's just
the outdoor bed, you know.
I find it hard to get
out of a regular bed.
It's always sad
in the morning.
You're like,
"I'm gonna miss you.
"You were wonderful
last night.
I didn't want it to end."
We never want it to end, right?
That's why there's
the snooze bar.
Nothing like
starting the day off
with a little procrastination.
[cheers and applause]
As my first decision
of the day,
I will go back to sleep.
How many plans has
the snooze bar destroyed?
You hear the alarm, you're like,
"You know what?
I'm not going to the gym
this morning."
Snooze.
Eight minutes later
you hear the alarm.
"You know what? I took
a long shower yesterday."
Snooze.
Eight minutes later
you hear the alarm.
"You know what? I always wanted
to go on welfare."
Snooze.
The best is when you wake up,
you look at the clock,
and you see
you still have time to sleep.
It's like finding $1,000.
This is my lucky
day/night/day!
[laughter]
I used to have a futon.
Anyone ever make
that mistake?
It's like sleeping on a grill.
Never enough fu in the ton.
It's a couch
that turns into a bed.
The most disappointing
Transformer of all.
You ever try and move a futon?
That's impossible.
You always end up folding it
in half
and dragging it around
like it's an 800-pound taco.
You're like...
[groans]
I did some research. You know
what they fill futons with?
Hatred.
[grumbles]
The only thing more
uncomfortable than the futon
is the beanbag chair.
Has anyone ever sat
in a beanbag chair
and thought, "Well, this was
a good decision"?
Everyone's like,
"How do I get out of this?
What, do I scissor-kick
or something?"
And how do you sit
in a beanbag chair
without looking like you have
a drinking problem?
They got to get this one
in rehab.
Who even came up with that?
"Hey, you know how people love
sitting on beans?"
"Uh, not really, but go ahead."
"Well, it'd be a big bag
filled with beans,
"and we'd make the bag vinyl,
so when you were wearing shorts,
it would stick to your legs."
"Do you even work here?"
I have a nice bed.
I don't believe in
making the bed, though.
My wife's always like, "Why
don't you ever make the bed?"
For the same reason I don't tie
my shoes after I take 'em off.
It doesn't make sense, you know.
I'm not putting
this thing in storage.
[cheers and applause]
I'm hoping to come back
in a couple of hours,
and I would like it open.
'Cause when our bed's made,
it's covered in 40 pillows,
like we're stockpiling ammo
for the global pillow fight.
I asked my wife, I'm like,
"What's the deal
with all these pillows?"
"They're for decoration."
How often are you giving a tour
of our bedroom?
And has anyone ever been
impressed by pillows?
Like someone's gonna leave
your bedroom,
"I didn't know they were doing
that well."
[laughter]
"They got, like,
40, 50 pillows on that bed.
They're rolling in down."
Pillow jokes, really?
Is that what he's doing?
I didn't know it was
gonna be so edgy.
I didn't come here
to be shocked into laughter.
Excuse me.
I had a bed day today.
You ever hang out in bed
all day?
Anyone else do heroin?
No.
That's not funny.
Those bed days are the best.
People rarely volunteer
that information.
"Sorry I'm late. I didn't get
out of bed till 5:00 p.m."
"Oh, were you sick?"
"No, I was in heaven...
just fantasizing
about being in a coma."
Breakfast in bed.
Breakfast in bed--
that is a fantasy,
'cause it gives you the option
of going back to sleep
when you're done.
Well, it'd be rude
to eat and run.
I should stick around
and see if there's lunch in bed.
That whole eating while
you're lying down is beautiful.
Too bad hospitals have
that sickness requirement,
'cause I would check in maana.
"What are your symptoms?"
"I'm hungry,
and I could go for a nap.
Stat!"
Of course, what makes
breakfast in bed so special
is you're lying down
and eating bacon,
the most beautiful thing
on Earth.
[cheers and applause]
Bacon's the best.
Even the frying of bacon
sounds like applause.
It's like, ahh.
Yay, bacon!
You want to know
how good bacon is?
To improve other food,
they wrap it in bacon.
If it weren't for bacon,
we wouldn't even know
what a water chestnut is.
Thank you, Bacon.
Sincerely, Water Chestnut III.
And those bits of bacon.
Bits of bacon are like the fairy
dust of the food community.
You don't want
this baked potato?
[imitates bell ringing]
Now it's your favorite part
of the meal.
Not interested in a salad?
Bibbidi bobbidi bacon!
I just turned it
into an entre.
But once you put bacon
in a salad,
it's no longer a salad.
It just becomes a game of
find the bacon in the lettuce.
It's like you're panning
for gold.
Hmm, eureka!
Bacon!
Not many ways to prepare bacon.
You can either fry it
or get botulism.
It's amazing the shrinkage
that occurs.
You start with a pound,
you end up with a bookmark.
Really the only bad part about
bacon is it makes you thirsty
for more bacon.
I never feel like
I get enough bacon.
At breakfast, it's like
they're rationing it.
Here's your two strips
of bacon.
I want more!
More bacon!
Whenever you're
at a brunch buffet
and you see that
big metal tray
filled with the 4,000 pieces
of bacon,
don't you almost expect a
rainbow to be coming out of it?
I found it!
I found the source of all bacon!
[laughter]
That bacon tray is always
at the end of the buffet.
You regret all the stuff
on your plate.
What am I doing
with all this worthless fruit?
I should have waited.
If I had known you were here,
I would have waited.
I would eat only you, bacon.
But you can't eat only bacon,
'cause it's terrible for you.
You know bacon's bad when a
healthier choice is a doughnut.
Bacon's like the opposite
of medicine.
It's like,
"Ah, take that, Lipitor.
I'm bacon!"
We've known bacon is bad for us
for thousands of years.
It's literally a restriction
on entering certain religions.
Our rules--no killing,
no cheating on your wife,
no bacon.
Ooh!
What was that last one?
No bacon.
I'm in the wrong line.
Is there a bacon line
around here?
How many bacon jokes is
this guy gonna do?
I mean, I like bacon,
but come on!
The pig is an amazing animal.
You feed a pig an apple,
it makes bacon.
I find that impressive.
Let's see Michael Phelps
do that, huh?
[cheers and applause]
The pig--the pig is
turning an apple,
essentially garbage,
into bacon.
That's magic
or the most successful
recycling program ever.
Really the pig
is man's best friend.
I love dogs, but pigs would be
good companions,
and then when they die,
you could have a barbecue.
Sorry your pig died.
Can I come over for breakfast
and have some bacon?
Bacon is that good.
I bet if you put bits of bacon
on a strip of bacon
you could travel back in time.
It's like a tasty vortex.
It'd be kind of redundant
for me,
'cause I would just travel back
to when I was eating bacon.
It'd be a bacon-to-bacon
time-space continuum.
That's a nerdy-ass bacon joke.
Fatback, supposedly fatback is
like bacon on steroids.
Never tried fatback,
probably 'cause
it's called fatback.
I don't know which word
creeps me out more,
"fat" or "back."
Why don't they just throw in
"hairy" while they're at it?
This is some delicious
hairy fatback.
That reminds me,
your uncle called.
That's got to be the end
of the bacon jokes.
I even like the name bacon.
You can't tell me
the success of Kevin Bacon
isn't somehow tied to his name.
[cheers and applause]
You're not going out to see
a Kevin Hot Dog movie.
Who's in this movie?
Kevin Bacon.
Sounds good.
Bacon.
I like meat, I do.
But you know who seems to be
really obsessed with meat
are vegetarians.
You know, for people that
don't like meat,
they seem to eat a lot of
vegetables that are mashed up
and shaped to look like meat.
"I find meat repulsive.
"I'll have a veggie burger
with fake bacon,
"and can you serve it to me
dressed like a cow?
"I don't like meat.
"I just like to call meat
late at night and hang up.
"Let's drive by meat's house.
"Does meat ever ask about me?
"I don't care.
"I ain't missing you at all
Missing you "
[cheers and applause]
Never see that the other way.
"I will have the steak, and can
you make it taste like tofu?"
My wife refuses
to eat meat
'cause she feels
it's cruel to animals,
which, interestingly enough,
is the same reason
why I don't eat vegetables.
I'm a vegetable rights
activist.
Except for the potato,
they can't feel anything.
Yeah.
I do love animals.
I've never looked at a cow and
thought, "I want to eat that."
But once that cow is
slaughtered,
drained of all its blood,
chopped up, and put on a grill,
I get hungry.
Mm, cow!
Definitely helps if it
doesn't look like an animal.
This ham sandwich doesn't look
like a pig to me.
But ribs, you know, there's
no getting around ribs,
'cause they're ribs.
It's amazing how casually
we order.
"Yeah, I will have
the baby back ribs,
"and could you wheel that out
in a stroller?
"I'm gonna start
with the baby chicken legs.
I'm gonna have
an all-baby meal."
Hey, buddy,
I used to be a baby.
How do you eat ribs without
looking like a caveman anyway?
Excuse me while I tear the flesh
from this bone.
I need the energy
for when I club you later on.
I like all kinds of meat,
even bologna.
I knew he was white trash.
[cheers and applause]
I don't even know if bologna
is a meat.
I don't think meat's supposed
to catch on fire like that.
[laughter]
What's interesting
about bologna,
it's not just a meat,
it's an insult.
That's a bunch of baloney.
You're full of baloney.
That kind of implies
bologna makes you lie.
I eat bologna all the time.
Or maybe I don't.
Maybe that's just
the bologna talking.
Have you seen the bologna
that has the olives in it?
Who's that for?
I like my bologna
like a martini,
with an olive.
I'll have
the bologna sandwich, dirty.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Everything about bologna
is silly.
Who decided on the pronunciation
of the word bologna?
"All right, how do you want to
pronounce this word?"
"Baloney!"
"I don't know if you saw,
there's a G in the word."
"I don't see no G.
Baloney."
"Okay, well, the word does end
with an A."
"We're going with baloney!
Trust me,
I came up with kernel."
[cheers and applause]
You ever been reading, you come
across the word "colonel,"
you're like, colo--colonial,
someone important.
This reading's hard.
Where's my TV?
Some reading is hard.
Someone hands me
a legal document, I pass out.
I'm like...
[imitates crash]
What, do they spray these
with chloroform?
"Whereas the aforementioned
hereby known as proprietor."
Who wrote this, Shakespeare?
And why does it take 80 pages
to communicate
"I will owe you money
the rest of my life"?
Whenever I get
a legal document,
it always has those red posty
notes with the arrows on them.
I feel like I'm in a live
episode of "Dora the Explorer."
Where should you sign?
Here?
You did it!
[humming]
[cheers and applause]
I've never read
a legal document.
I've signed a couple of them.
That's why there's
so many lawyers.
"How much would I have
to pay you to read this?"
"$500 an hour."
"That seems reasonable.
Just make sure I'm not
giving away a kid or anything."
It's laziness.
I think you know you're lazy
when you find recycling
a pain in the ass.
[scoffs]
I got to figure out
which garbage can
to put this in?
What am I, a chemist?
At home, my wife's always like,
"Did you rinse out
that soda can?"
"I haven't showered today.
"Maybe I should clean myself
before I start washing
the garbage."
[cheers and applause]
Recycling is a little bit more
of a pain than they let on.
You know, "We're gonna start
recycling newspapers."
"Oh, great, I got
some newspapers right here."
"Oh, you're gonna have to
bundle those up in twine."
"Twine?
Where do you even find twine?"
"You have to go
to your hardware store."
"I'm just not gonna read
newspapers.
Sounds easier
than finding twine."
What is this,
"Little House on the Prairie"?
Maybe next time Pa goes
into town to get some feed,
he can pick up some twine
and rock candy.
Twine.
I'm sure you're like us.
We try and do our part.
We buy the different-colored
garbage bags.
I just feel weird
buying garbage bags,
'cause you buy garbage bags,
they put 'em in the grocery bag,
you bring your groceries home,
you take the garbage bags
out of the grocery bag,
and then you put the grocery bag
in the garbage bag.
Am I being punked?
[laughter]
You ever been at home and you go
to throw something out,
you see the garbage can
needs a bag--
are you like me and think,
"Oh, I'm gonna wait
for someone else to do that"?
I don't know if I'm done
with these orange peels yet.
Later on I might make
some potpourri or something.
I'll just put that
on the counter,
covered it with a paper towel.
It's like I was never here.
My wife stopped buying
paper towels.
They're bad for the environment,
which surprised me.
I guess we should know
paper towels are bad
for the environment.
They do have a lumberjack
on the label.
The guy's always
standing there like,
"Let's destroy the ozone
together.
I'll clear-cut this forest,
you drive an SUV."
If you look closely under
one arm, he's smothering an owl.
That Brawny guy's
gonna kick his ass.
Obviously, we all care
about the environment,
except for those people that are
throwing full bags of garbage
out on the highway.
You ever been driving down
the highway,
you see a full bag of garbage?
Wouldn't you love to meet
that guy?
I'm too lazy to empty
my garbage.
He's taking his for a ride.
What's going on in the car?
"How you doing, garbage?
"You're getting out here!
You're not talking,
you're walking!"
That joke didn't even
make sense.
My wife's into
the organic products.
I didn't know this.
Organic is a grocery term
meaning twice as expensive.
She bought me
a natural deodorant,
and printed on the label,
it said, "Does not work."
At least they're being honest.
It's better than
no deodorant, you know.
We all have that friend
that's like,
"You know, you really don't need
to wear deodorant."
"Yeah, but you do."
"It's not natural."
"Well, neither
is crapping indoors."
"It's bad for me
to wear deodorant."
"I'm suffering from some
secondhand BO right now."
I think it's interesting
all the different scents
they have for deodorant.
You know what scent
they should have is bacon.
Talk about getting
someone to crave you.
I don't know why, but I want
to have breakfast with him.
[laughter]
I bought some Speed Stick.
What's interesting
about Speed Stick,
it actually smells worse
than BO.
What's that made out of,
urinal cakes?
You ever wear a different
deodorant than normal?
For the rest of the day,
doesn't it seem like
there's a stranger
standing behind you?
Am I being followed...
by a pine tree?
I'm glad I'm wearing
a button-up shirt.
I have yet to figure out
how to put on deodorant
and then put on a T-shirt
without getting a spot here,
here, the middle of back.
What, was I wrestling it?
I got my ass kicked
by my deodorant.
Went to the drugstore.
They sell everything
in drugstores.
I remember when it was just
like drugs and deodorant.
Now you're like, "Well, I got
this cholesterol medication.
"I guess I'll get
some ice cream,
a king-size Snickers,
and a casket."
[laughter]
It's an interesting dynamic
in the drugstore, right?
'Cause there's the people that
work on the drugstore floor
that always seem like they want
to quit or kill themselves.
And then there's the pharmacist
in the back
in that glass cage
in a white lab coat,
like they're the wizard.
In commercials,
the pharmacist is always
the nicest guy on Earth.
"Hey, how you doing?
This prescription's on me."
In reality,
doesn't it always seem
like you're inconveniencing
the pharmacist?
They're always like,
"What do you want?
I was working
on my time machine."
"I need these pills."
"Yeah, it's gonna be, like,
five hours.
"Why don't you go
and sit on that metal chair
across from the condoms?"
[laughter]
You ever sit
on that metal chair?
It's humiliating.
People are always like,
"What kind of disease
does he have?"
"I got a lot of 'em.
Just hanging out
with the condoms."
I don't understand
what the wait's for.
Why does it take five hours to
put six pills in an orange cup?
What, are they trying to hit it
from, like, ten feet away?
"Tell him to come back."
"Now I know
why I'm a pharmacist,
not a basketball player."
[cheers and applause]
I'm actually winded
from doing that.
He was out of shape.
I should work out.
It's hard to find time
to work out
when you really don't want to.
Can't do it now,
'cause I don't want to.
And later on,
I'm not gonna be interested.
It only takes 20 minutes a day,
just 20 minutes.
Yeah, that's too many.
Can you make it no minutes?
Those workout clothes
are comfortable
to watch television in, huh?
Thanks to Nike,
I think I'll finish
this "Law & Order" marathon.
I do belong
to a health club.
I see that membership card
every time I'm at Wendy's
getting a triple.
I think those membership cards
are kind of scary,
'cause, obviously,
they exist because at one time,
there were people sneaking in
to work out.
That's like breaking in
to the Gap to fold sweaters.
[laughter]
That was cute.
I am trying to be
more responsible.
I'm a father now.
That's right.
I became a priest.
Thank you.
Bless you.
It's interesting, you know,
when I was single,
I never really saw myself
as a family man.
But now that I'm married and
I have two beautiful children,
it's really made me appreciate
being alone.
[laughter]
It's hard.
My daughter's four.
My son's two.
I tell you, it's exhausting
watching my wife
do all that work.
She should get some help.
I can barely nap
through the screaming.
My wife does do everything.
It's hard to complain around
the mother of a small child.
You're like, "Yeah, I didn't get
much sleep last night."
"Oh, really?
I slept for a minute,
and I was breast-feeding
during that minute."
"That's rough.
Can you get me a beer?"
He is a jerk.
I'll tell you,
explaining things to my kids
makes me realize
how little I know.
Recently my son pointed
to an antenna and said,
"Look, Daddy, stick."
I said,
"Actually, that's an antenna."
He goes, "What's an antenna?"
"It's a stick.
It's a silver stick.
You nailed it, buddy."
I always feel dumb, you know.
It doesn't help that my wife
spells everything
in front of my kids.
"Don't tell anyone
about the i-c-e c-r-e-a-m."
"Who's in the emergency room?
And why do I want
a Dilly Bar?"
'Cause you can't say the words
"ice cream"
in front of a four-year-old.
They are a commitment.
"Yeah, I'll have ice cream."
"Daddy was just saying the words
'ice cream.'"
"I'll have it right now.
Chocolate."
I went to a birthday party
for a four-year-old.
That was awkward.
Probably 'cause
I wasn't invited.
The cake came out.
I love how we serve ice cream
with cake.
You know what would be good
with this sugar bread?
Some frozen sugar milk.
Let's give it
to the four-year-olds,
see how they respond.
Oh, they're going crazy.
[laughter]
My son's been walking
for a while.
It's amazing.
Babies--they learn to walk,
and they're already trying
to get away.
Time for a bath.
[laughs]
Where you going?
What, do you got
an escape car outside?
You can't reach the doorknob.
You only know us.
What's your plan?
Think it through, buddy.
Think it through.
[cheers and applause]
Of course,
if you have a boy,
you have to deal
with the circumcision question.
Men love that topic.
They're like, "Uh, can you talk
about something else,
like prison rape, anything?"
'Cause circumcision's
a scary word.
I looked it up
in the dictionary.
It just said, "Ow!
From the Latin for aah!"
We went through with it,
only 'cause my son requested it.
[laughter]
It is pretty crazy.
Obviously, it started
as a religious tradition,
circumcision, but how'd they
even come up with the idea?
Were there a bunch
of religious leaders gathered,
and one guy was like,
"All right,
how should we honor God?"
There was one,
"I say we don't eat pork."
"I don't know. I like bacon."
"Anyone got anything else?"
"What if we cut off
part of our penis?"
[laughter]
"All right, no pork.
We'll go no pork.
I want that man removed!"
[cheers and applause]
My wife told me
that in the Bible,
Abraham circumcised himself.
Wow.
I can't even get to the bank
before it closes.
Abraham did it, you know.
God told him to do it.
Would have loved to have
overheard that conversation.
"Abraham."
"Oh, hey, God, how you doing?"
"I need you to do something
for me."
"Oh, sure. You're God."
"I need you
to circumcise yourself."
"I think we got
a bad connection.
"Can you send me an email?
Are you on Facebook yet?"
I tell you, those challenges
in the Bible
took a leap
in difficulty there.
It was like,
don't eat this apple,
build me a boat,
cut off part of your penis.
"What if I build you
two boats?"
How did Abraham even tell
his wife, you know?
Maybe he didn't. He was just
getting out of the shower.
She was like,
"What the hell have you done?"
"Honey, I can explain.
God told me to do it."
"If God told you
to jump off a bridge,
if God told you to sacrifice
our first--"
"Actually, I have to talk to you
about that one."
[applause]
Yeah, Abraham,
he went through the wringer.
It's not like Jesus had
a cakewalk, though.
You think Jesus ever tried
to talk God
out of some of that stuff?
You know, like, "Hey, Dad,
you know that
whole crucifixion thing?"
"Yes, you're dying on the cross
for all mankind's sins."
"Yeah, yeah, hear me out.
"What if instead of that,
we did a big fund-raiser?"
"No. Now get cracking
on your miracles."
Jesus performed
so many miracles.
You think the carpentry
ever came up
when he was doing the miracles?
"Jesus, if you could cure
our son's blindness,
"and we'd love some shelves
right here.
"I don't know if you want to do
the blindness, then the shelves.
"We need the shelves
by Tuesday.
Of course, we'd love our son
to see those shelves."
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Jesus had the Apostles--
traveling with 12 guys.
You get, like, five guys
together, a fistfight starts.
If I were Jesus,
I would have snapped.
I would have been like,
"Stop following me!
"Would one of you shave?
We look like
a homeless football team."
He's going to hell
for that joke.
You know, the Apostles are
always used as an example
of people that gave up
everything to follow Jesus.
They gave up everything, but
you know, they were fishermen.
It's not like they were
investment bankers.
You know, Jesus went up to 'em,
"Hey, you know, you're sitting
"out here in the blistering heat
trying to catch fish
in the Dead Sea."
"Yeah, it sucks."
"You want to follow me?
I'm God.
By the way, I can turn water
into wine."
"All right, I'll go with you."
"One condition, you have
to give up everything,
and I mean everything."
"So I leave the pole here?"
"No, we can bring the pole."
The Apostles--
how'd the come up
with that name, you know?
You think one
of the Apostles was like,
"Hey, Jesus, me and the guys
were talking"?
I don't know why
he sounds like that.
Maybe he's the Apostle
from Brooklyn.
"Jesus, me and the guys
were talking, you know.
We think we need a name."
Jesus was like,
"Whatever. I don't care."
"What about this name,
the Apostles...
"maybe the Disciples.
"We could get
some leather jackets,
get a big bird on the back."
And Jesus is like, "Whatever.
We're all gonna be martyred."
"But we can still get
the jackets, right?"
I don't like
those religion jokes.
They make me uncomfortable.
We all know Jesus had
the Apostles,
but did he have a best friend?
Was he ever like, "I think
everyone know the Apostles,
"and this is my buddy Earl.
"We were
in marching band together.
He thinks this whole
Messiah thing is crazy."
[gasps]
He's going to hell for that.
Heaven, I hope Heaven's nice.
We kind of built it up
down here, didn't we?
We compare everything
to Heaven.
It's like, "Try this pie.
It's like Heaven."
What if we got to Heaven
and they're like, "No pie"?
"No pie? On Earth--"
"Yeah, those people
aren't coming up here."
West Virginia,
you know, West Virginia--
the state slogan
of West Virginia is
"Almost Heaven, West Virginia,"
which sounds cool,
but that's not, like,
the best promotion for Heaven.
'Cause based on that,
if I'm a good guy all my life,
when I die,
I'm going to a place
a little bit better
than West Virginia?
I mean, it's beautiful,
but that kind of makes me want
to take another look at hell.
He went too far.
I didn't like that joke at all.
It made me uncomfortable.
I know religion jokes
make some people uncomfortable,
and I call them sinners.
My wife is very Catholic.
If you've never been
to a Catholic mass,
it's still going on.
[laughter,
cheers, and applause]
Never really ends.
They just loop it around.
I can never get my wife to leave
when church is over.
She's always like,
"Why don't we stay
and talk
to the weirdest people here?"
She doesn't consider me
a real Catholic
'cause I don't go to church
or follow any
of the Church teachings.
But, you know, occasionally
I'll root for Notre Dame.
So I'm Catholic.
I think it's interesting
how Catholics and Protestants
didn't get along.
How did that play out,
you know?
You see those people
over there
with the almost identical
beliefs as mine?
I want to kill them.
'Cause my God's
all about love.
My grandma would hate
those jokes.
2 weeks ago was my grandmother's
101st birthday.
How about that?
[cheers and applause]
Well, it's not
that big of a deal.
She died 20 years ago.
That's a trick joke!
[laughter]
Yeah, this has been a fun tour.
I've been traveling
for a while.
I get emails every week
from friends,
"Hey, when you come to town,
you have to stay with us."
No, I don't.
'Cause everyone's house
has their own kind of smell.
I'm always like, "Are you guys
making vitamins in here?
"Who's cooking the feet?
'Cause they are done."
You never get offered
a real bed.
"You can crash on the futon."
I didn't even know
I was getting drunk tonight.
They always offer the futon
or the air bed.
The air bed--I remember when
that was just called a raft.
"Do I get a kickboard
as a pillow?"
They always have
a schedule too.
"We were thinking breakfast
around 7:00."
"Think again.
Now, where can I watch TV
all day in my underwear."
You're always in trouble
as the houseguest.
"Who left that damn
porch light on?"
"I was just looking
for the bathroom."
"That's all right. We just want
you to feel bad for an hour."
You never wake up
at the right time.
You wake up a couple minutes
after them.
"[gasps]
Nice of you to join us.
We thought you fell
into a coma."
"We just want you to feel bad
for an hour."
You ever stay at someone's place
and they're not there?
That's weird,
going through their stuff.
[laughter]
These people got
some weird habits.
I stayed at my brother's place
for a while.
He has a bar in his house,
which is cool.
But how do you have a bar
in your house
and not admit you have a little
bit of a drinking problem?
"I'm not an alcoholic,
"I just need a room
dedicated to booze.
"Here's where we watch TV.
Here's where we eat.
"I get tanked over here.
"I got a porn closet
in the back.
Crack den's downstairs."
Is he drunk?
I think he's drunk.
There is always that
travel pressure, you know.
The eating travel pressure.
You know, it's like,
"Oh, you're going to Austin.
You got to get barbecue.
Got to get barbecue in Austin."
Every city, you know,
has a food they're famous for.
It's almost like
there was a meeting.
"Okay, Chicago,
what do you pick?"
"Deep-dish pizza."
"Okay. Philadelphia?"
"Cheesesteak."
"Okay. Boston?"
"Beans."
[laughter]
"You want beans?"
"Yeah, beans are awesome.
"They're wicked awesome,
"The Yankees suck,
and Dunkin' Donuts rocks!
"Dunkin' Donuts!
Dunkin' Donuts!"
New England loves
their Dunkin' Donuts.
Some people love Dunkin' Donuts
too much.
"Dunkin' Donuts is awesome!"
I think they're
just making doughnuts,
not curing lupus.
I like Dunkin' Donuts, but have
you been to a Dunkin' Donuts
that doesn't have a homeless guy
standing in front?
Is that part
of the design plans?
"There'll be an entrance here,
a deranged lunatic here."
There's always a guy
standing out there
like they're Ronald McDonald.
[laughter]
Dunkin' Donuts--it's
an interesting concept, really.
It's almost as if AA opened
their own restaurant.
"What should we have?"
"Coffee, doughnuts,
maybe a little honesty."
Hi, my name's Jim. I haven't had
a doughnut in 30 seconds.
I don't know how Dunkin' Donuts
even stays in business.
If they sell 3,000 doughnuts,
what do they make, 30 bucks?
Whenever I go in there,
it seems like they're trying
to get rid of the doughnuts.
Like, "Yeah, I'll have
six doughnuts."
"That'll be $3, but if you get
a dozen, it's a nickel."
"How much are two dozen?"
"We give you ten bucks."
They're either trying
to get rid of them
or trying to get us addicted.
You ever buy a couple
of doughnuts, you open it up,
and there's some
free Munchkins in there?
Those are the gateway doughnut.
First time's always free.
Now at some locations,
they have Dunkin' Donuts
and Baskin-Robbins
in the same building.
It's like a marriage made
in obesity.
Finally Dunkin' Donuts is
offering something for dessert.
Doughnuts and ice cream--
it's like two pairs
of dirty underwear.
[chuckles]
I haven't eaten
in, like, 40 minutes.
That's weird for me.
Americans, we love to eat,
you know.
When we're not eating,
we're chewing gum.
We're literally
practicing eating.
Yeah, I got a big meal
coming up.
Training for Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving--
that is all about overeating.
I mean, one of the main dishes
is actually called stuffing.
Stuffing?
What names did they turn down?
Cram it in?
Eat till you can't breathe?
Am I the only one
that doesn't feel comfortable
with the fact stuffing is cooked
inside a dead animal?
Shove a loaf of bread up there,
mm, delicious.
[laughter]
Kind of a humiliating way
to go out for the turkey.
"You're gonna kill me?"
"Oh, it's gonna get
a lot worse.
You do not want to know."
My problem is I love all
the food that's bad for you,
like bacon...
We know you like bacon.
And fried chicken.
You ever put a piece of
fried chicken on a paper napkin,
you come back, and the napkin's
turned into liquid?
Fried chicken
can't be good for you, really.
I mean, one of the serving sizes
is bucket.
Bucket.
Isn't that how we feed
farm animals?
Yeah, I'll have
a bucket of fried chicken,
a silo of Pepsi,
and a trough of pig slop.
Make the pig slop diet.
Speaking of pig slop,
have you tried one
of those KFC Bowls?
[laughter]
It's like KFC
as a corporation decided,
"You know all our crap
tastes the same,
why don't we just throw it
in a bowl?"
And I'll tell you,
it's delicious.
It has a layer
of mashed potatoes
a layer of corn,
a layer of cigarette butts,
a couple apple cores.
It's like "Charlotte's Web."
"Where's Templeton?"
Popeyes is my favorite
fried chicken.
I love Popeyes.
I love that name.
Oh, I get it,
Popeye was a sailor,
and your food goes through me
like a torpedo.
That makes sense.
Popeye ate spinach,
and now I have dysentery.
Popeye had muscles,
I can't stand up.
Maybe they're not talking about
the cartoon character Popeye.
Maybe they're talking
about what happens to your eyes
after you eat the food.
I got to go to the bathroom.
[laughter]
I eat the fast food. I do.
It's amazing how our attitude
on fast food changes.
When you're a kid,
it's your favorite place,
but as an adult,
you look at fast food
like someone you used to date.
"I can't believe
I ever went there."
Then the next night,
"Well, it's late.
And I'm drunk, so..."
[cheers and applause]
We're all so embarrassed
to eat fast food.
You ever go in there, everyone's
sitting by themselves.
They're hunched over,
wearing a ski mask.
Don't tell my wife I'm here!
They know we're embarrassed
to eat fast food.
That's why they invented
the drive-through.
Look, no one has to see you.
Just drive around back,
we'll hand it out the window.
[laughter,
cheers, and applause]
That drive-through is
pretty convenient, right?
Except for that final stretch
for your food.
You're like, "Can you bring
your building closer to my car?
"Do I have to do everything?
What a pain in the ass."
"Why is he reaching out the
passenger's side of the car?"
Fast-food places
are so fast and easy,
they've ruined me
for regular restaurants.
Whenever I'm
in a regular restaurant,
I'm always like, "Let's see,
I will order the hamburger.
Where is it?"
"Sir, how would you like
your hamburger done?"
"Right now.
Where is it?
"And can you wrap it
in paper
"so I feel like I'm opening
a present?
"Or maybe put it
in a Styrofoam clamshell
and present it like
an engagement ring?"
[gasps]
I do.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Too bad all the food
at fast-food places
is so bad for you.
I love how there's the option
of a milk shake.
You're like, "Well, I shouldn't,
but I'm in a hurry
"so I'll get a burger and fries,
and to drink,
"I'll have the large cup
of melted ice cream.
Do you have an EKG machine
back there?"
Most restaurants try
and set a mood.
You know, you go in there,
you're like,
"Oh, I feel like I'm
in a Tuscan villa."
Fast-food places
are brightly lit,
smell like disinfectant,
the furniture is bolted down.
Where am I,
a mental institution?
We got to get out of here!
I love the fast food.
I do wish I was there
when they decided on the size
of those ketchup packets.
I'm not saying I need a gallon,
but maybe enough
for more than one fry.
I always end up opening 20.
I look like a heroin addict.
I'm gonna party
once I get set up here!
Has anyone ever used
just one ketchup packet?
"Do you have a half of a quarter
of an ounce of ketchup?
"It's just so darn rich.
"I need a resealable packet,
one that I could store
in my purse."
They always give you
three packets.
When you go back up
and ask for more,
the guy handing them out always
treats you like
you're taking
from his personal stash.
"Oh, it looks like my kids
aren't having ketchup tonight.
Enjoy, ketchup glutton."
Ketchup.
Sometimes printed
on the ketchup packet,
it'll say "not for resale."
I didn't even know
that was an issue.
I've been
to a lot of flea markets--
no ketchup packets.
You know what?
If you're in a position
where you have to sell
ketchup packets,
I don't think that's gonna
hold you back.
"We need money, maybe we should
sell these ketchup packets.
"Oh, we can't.
It says 'not for resale.'
Dang it."
If you're lucky, you'll get
a ketchup packet that's labeled
as "fancy ketchup."
Ketchup, you're being modest.
You're way more than fancy.
You're elegant.
I know it's all relative,
but what kind of life
are you leading where you
consider ketchup fancy?
"Well, we ain't rich folk,
but on special occasions,
"I'll break out the ketchup.
Grandma's birthday,
make her feel like a celebrity."
Ketchup.
Some fast-food places,
they have that ketchup pump.
It's like a keg.
They give you
the paper shot glass.
I always like to hang around
there, try and meet the ladies.
Here, I'll pump for you.
You come to this Wendy's often?
My roommate and I--we got
a pony pump back at my dorm.
Here's an extra shot
for your cute friend.
How many shots of ketchup
do you get?
I usually get, like, three,
but if I've had a bad day,
I'll get five.
My wife thinks I'm trash
'cause I use a lot of ketchup
on my sushi.
I find it gets rid
of the fish flavor.
How about those people
that don't use ketchup?
What are they called again,
al-Qaeda?
Ugh.
Ketchup.
The upside-down bottle
of ketchup, have you seen that?
Don't you think
it's a little embarrassing
how long it took us to come up
with the upside-down bottle?
It was only, like,
six months ago.
Some guy was like, "You know...
"we only use it like this.
Why don't we just put the cap
on the bottom?"
"Have people been complaining
ketchup is hard to get
out of the bottle?"
"For, like, a hundred years."
"I'll talk
to our gravity experts."
Ketchup is hard
to get out of a bottle.
You're always like...
[breathing heavily]
"You guys go on without me.
I'll be here.
Just leave me water."
You ever been given one
of those tiny ketchup bottles?
They're like 90% glass.
This is adorable,
but I want ketchup
not a Christmas ornament.
I'll put this
with my other glass menagerie.
[whispers]
Ketchup.
I never thought
I'd miss a bacon joke.
Salsa is like
the Mexican ketchup.
Marinara is
the Italian ketchup,
and British food is terrible.
[cheers and applause]
Actually, vinegar--
vinegar is the British ketchup.
How bad is your food when
adding vinegar improves it?
You know what
I use vinegar for?
Cleaning windows.
The British
are our only allies.
Why would he be so reckless...
with his edgy ketchup jokes?
What if Gordon Brown was sitting
in the audience right now?
And he was about to sign
the NATO treaty.
[mumbling]
I don't even understand
what he's saying.
[mumbling]
You guys love the hot sauce
down here, don't you?
[cheers and applause]
You ever notice people
that are really into hot sauce
are always challenging you?
"Hey, why don't you get the
super-hot fire engine sauce?"
"'Cause I don't feel like the
super-hot fire engine diarrhea."
How about that
for a reason, huh?
I'm not
into wearing diapers, okay?
Speaking of diapers, I went
to Waffle House last night.
[laughter]
I tell you, I thought
the IHOP was a dump
until I went
into a Waffle House.
Wow. They're not even trying
in there.
Here's something you'll never
hear in a Waffle House--
"Nice job cleaning up."
Now, if you've never been
to a Waffle House,
just imagine
a gas station bathroom
that sells waffles.
You've been to a Waffle House.
[cheers and applause]
I love Waffle House...
and not just 'cause watching
someone fry an egg
while they're smoking
reminds me of my dad.
It's the people in there.
It's like
a white-trash convention...
or for me, a family reunion.
It's so white trash in there,
it makes the IHOP appear
international.
I've seen a gun
five times in my life.
Three of them have been
in Waffle House.
There's definitely
a dangerous feel to 'em.
You know,
even the Waffle House sign
looks like a ransom note.
There's always a letter out.
Occasionally it'll be the W,
so it'll read "Affle House."
Yeah, that's where
I want to go at 2:00 a.m.
That's when everyone goes.
Their slogan should be,
"It's 2:00 a.m.
Still time to make
one more bad decision."
[laughter]
You go in there--
you go in there,
everyone's drunk.
You know everyone's drunk
in Waffle House
'cause they have pictures
of the food on the menu.
How drunk do you have to be
to not remember
what a waffle looks like?
Oh, yeah, it's like
a plaid pancake.
I'll have 12 of those
for a nickel.
You ever go into Waffle House
during the day?
That's weird.
This place looks familiar.
I think I threw up in here.
Oh, there it is.
[laughter]
All right, that is all.
Thank you so much, you guys.
[cheers and applause]
[bluesy music]
[cheers and applause]
- Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
I just do this for an hour.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was the worst show
I've ever seen.
I paid over $40.
After the service fee,
it was 90.
[laughter]
Convenience charge?
Convenient way to
rip us off.
[gasps]
He's like Pearl Jam.
[laughter]
He's picking on the man!
Hey, wait a minute.
He looks like the man.
He's kind of pudgy,
maybe he ate the man.
I don't even know what man
we're talking about.
I thought he'd be paler.
At least as pale as that CD
where he looks like
a pedophile.
[cheers and applause]
Well, he was good
in "Capote."
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
How large is his head?
Is he storing another head
inside of there?
He could be a mascot.
He could be a mascot
for the Mormons.
[laughter]
I'm already sick
of this voice.
When's he gonna start
cracking it?
It is great to be here
in Austin.
Thank you for coming out.
[cheers and applause]
Great to be here.
I've had so much fun here.
I have.
I went bowling.
I don't mean to brag.
Really, there are two types
of people that go bowling.
There are people that
really, really love bowling,
and then there are the people
that are like,
"Wouldn't it be hysterical
if we went bowling?"
[laughter]
'Cause for most of us,
bowling is the activity you do
after you've done
everything else.
It's like,
"Well, we could go bowling,
or we could just
hang ourselves."
"Why don't we go bowling?"
No one's ever jealous
when they hear you went bowling.
"Oh, you went bowling?
Glad I couldn't make it."
But bowling's great.
You got to love a sport
you can eat while you play it.
Never see that in tennis.
"Hey, before you serve,
let me dig into these nachos."
It's a different sport.
There's an ashtray built into
the bowling equipment.
Poker doesn't even have that.
And that hand dryer thing.
If you're sweating
while you're bowling,
you're out of shape.
[cheers and applause]
And if you're out of shape
and you're bowling,
you're probably
a professional bowler.
[laughter]
There's nothing really healthy
about bowling.
It has to be
the germophobe's nightmare.
Here, put on these moist shoes
10,000 people wore
and stick your fingers
in these dirty holes.
Now you have the flu.
How dirty are those holes?
It's not like those balls
wear out.
They probably haven't
manufactured a bowling ball
in a thousand years.
Someone's out there using
Fred Flintstone's right now.
That is preposterous.
I don't own a bowling ball
'cause I'm not a weirdo.
Yeah, I want to volunteer
to carry around a 50-pound ball.
Can you put it
in a big, ugly purse?
That's how I want to meet
the ladies.
Oh, couldn't help but notice you
staring at my purse.
It's filled
with a big, blue ball.
Mind if I follow you
around the parking lot?
I'll just be humming.
[humming]
Ball in the bag
That's the worst song ever.
I always have to pick out
my bowling ball.
I can never find the right one.
I'm like,
"This one's too heavy.
"Oh, this one's good,
but it's pink,
and my fingers don't fit."
How do they decide
on those finger sizes?
They're either
for a 5-year-old girl
or the Incredible Hulk.
How big are
some people's fingers?
Some guy wearing a catcher's
mitt, "Yeah, it's good.
I can still catch the game.
Don't worry about it."
Those bowling shoes,
no update there.
"You need
our special shoes
before you can roll
our magic ball."
Some people have
their own bowling ball
and their own bowling shoes
and no friends.
That's mean.
I can say that
'cause I like bowling.
I watch bowling on TV
'cause I use my time wisely.
I saw this college team
championship.
Each team had
their own coach.
What kind of strategy advice
is a bowling coach giving?
"You know what?
"This time, Timmy,
I want you to knock down
all the pins."
"You sure?"
"Trust me.
Just do it, son!"
It's weird.
Bowling seems silly, but we all
take it very seriously, right?
Until we get that first
gutter ball.
We're like, "Let me show you
how it's done.
[laughs]
This is a stupid sport."
There's few moments in life as
humiliating as that gutter ball.
The worst part is then
you have to make that turn back
to your friends.
[laughter]
That ball's broken.
It's tilted down there.
You never want to be
the worst bowler of the group,
'cause then everyone treats you
like you have cancer.
"You can do it.
We're praying for you."
The advice starts--
"Use a heavier ball.
Keep your arm straight.
You should get a vasectomy."
[laughter]
If you're really bad
at bowling, like me,
they'll ask if you want
the bumpers up.
It's not like bowling's
that complex anyway.
"You want the bumpers?
We can get rid of the pins.
Why don't you take this coloring
book and sit in the corner?"
[laughter]
But I like bowling,
you know.
It's perfect
for the lazy man.
No other sport has a machine
that rolls the ball back to you
at arm level.
All right,
I'll keep playing.
Is there any way I can do this
in a chair or something?
'Cause I am a lazy man.
I love doing nothing,
which is not good
when you're busy.
You ever have so much to do
so you just decide
to take a nap?
Maybe some elves will come
in here and do this crap.
I think I saw that once
in a movie.
I struggle with my laziness.
I'm like, "Should I sit down
and do nothing,
"or should I lie down
and do nothing?
Hmm."
You'd think lazy people like me
would have been weeded out
by natural selection.
I can't imagine someone like me
in pioneer times.
I really got to harvest
those crops,
or my eight kids aren't gonna
make it through winter.
I'll have other kids.
I got to get back
to staring at the barn.
Maybe I'll read the Bible
for the tenth time.
It's fun doing nothing.
But if you do nothing
for too long,
the most menial task
is exhausting.
You're like, "I actually have to
point the remote control?
"What is this, the '50s?
"Can't I just look at the TV,
and it'll know what
I want to watch?"
You ever been watching TV
for a couple hours,
and you suddenly lose
the remote?
[laughter]
I haven't even gotten up.
I don't remember throwing it.
[laughter]
Well, looks like I'm watching
this infomercial.
We all have the same attitude
on infomercials.
"Who's watching this crap?"
Then three minutes later,
"That's a good point.
"Maybe I need a knife
that can cut a penny.
"Too bad my phone's on
the other side of the room.
I need a remote for my phone."
I think you know
you're addicted to TV
when the battery
in the remote goes out
and you replace it with the
battery from the smoke alarm.
[laughter]
Hey, I only smoke in bed
anyway.
You'll wake me up, remote,
won't you?
Remember when the remote was
three buttons?
Now it's like
an honors math calculator.
I'm just trying to find VH1,
not split an atom.
I watch too much.
I don't understand the people
who don't like TV.
"I just prefer reading."
Have you watched television?
It's way better.
There's pictures,
there's sound,
and, most importantly,
no reading.
I don't even know what people
did before television.
That must have been horrible.
Even in those old-time photos
of people gathered
around the radio,
they're always looking
at the radio like,
"I can't wait
till they invent the TV.
This era sucks."
Why were they even looking
at the radio?
Were they that bored?
Maybe it'll turn into a TV.
That's weird.
I just prefer
the easy way in life. I do.
I see an escalator,
I get excited.
I'm like, "Sweet! All I got
to do is keep my balance."
[laughter]
People look so bored
on escalators.
They're always like...
[sighs]
We should be like,
"I'm going upstairs
without moving my legs!"
I like to pretend I'm in charge
of the escalator.
Turn to the people behind me,
"You guys follow me!
Stand there,
keep that pace."
You ever been on an escalator
and someone starts
walking up behind you?
I'm like,
"Settle down, weirdo.
This is one of the good parts
of life."
How about those people
that take the stairs
right next to the escalator?
What, are you drunk?
This thing's free.
You don't need a ticket.
They're always like,
"I'm taking the stairs
'cause I'm watching
my cholesterol."
And then halfway up, they always
have that look in their eyes.
"I made an enormous mistake.
These stairs are hard."
The escalator definitely makes
you look down on stairs.
You're nothing more
than an organized hill.
The only thing worse
than walking up stairs
is walking up an escalator
that's not working.
Like, "What's the point?
It's like having a dead butler.
I mean, come on."
"My butler died last week."
We all look so confused when
we encounter the escalator
that's not working.
How am I supposed
to get up there?
I'm trapped!
Help! Help!
I don't like it
when they separate
the up and the down escalator.
They do that in malls.
You're like, "Well, here's the
down escalator. Where's the up?"
"Oh, that's conveniently located
a mile away.
Did you bring a canoe?
'Cause there's a river."
It's also amazing after all
our technological advancements
we still can't get
the escalator handrail
to go the same speed
as the escalator.
Looks like my hand's gonna
get up there before me.
See you up there, hand!
I'd wave,
but I don't have a hand.
The moving sidewalk--
that's like the cousin
of the escalator.
Those are sweet.
There is always that moment
when I'm getting off
a moving sidewalk
where I'm like,
"How do I walk again?
I haven't done it
in, like, ten feet."
Learning to walk again
You ever find yourself walking
on a moving sidewalk?
You start passing people.
For a second,
don't you feel bionic?
You're like,
Dun dun dun dun dun dun
See you slowpokes
at the Cinnabon.
Dun dun dun
dun dun dun
He's, like,
a professional walker.
He's like
"Walker, Texas Ranger" walker.
[cheers and applause]
Have you been
on the moving sidewalk
that has the announcement?
"Sidewalk is ending."
Are we that dumb?
Are there people standing
at the end--
"Well, this is going
real slow now"?
"Oh, it stopped?
"Well, why didn't they make
an announcement?
I don't have time to look down.
I'm busy daydreaming here."
That's just weird.
I'm so lazy I still get a kick
out of an automatic door.
Step on the mat,
the door opens.
Hmm, don't mind if I do.
Thank you,
imaginary doorman.
Definitely prefer that
over the revolving doors.
Those stress me out.
I'm like...
[breathing heavily]
How fast is
this piece going?
Occasionally you'll go through
a revolving door with a friend
thinking it'll be fun,
but there's always that moment
when you're in there
where you're like,
"If we get stuck,
I'm eating you!
"I get hypoglycemic.
This air is for me."
Those swinging western doors
are just awkward,
'cause they're so dramatic,
yet they're usually leading you
into a place where
you do not want attention,
like the bathroom
or the adult section
of a video store.
Hey, what's through here?
There's a new sheriff in town!
[laughter]
I'm not even a porn guy,
but just once
I'd like to go to the clerk
in one of those places and go,
"Excuse me,
'Butt Invaders'?
"Yeah, does this have
cursing in it?
"'Cause I'm gonna be watching it
with my church group.
We don't appreciate
that language."
I don't even feel comfortable
when I'm in a movie theater
and there's some graphic
sex scene.
You know, Sean Penn
and Naomi Watts are naked
and I'm sitting
next to someone's grandma,
"You like that, Grandma?
Hello!"
I'm keeping my grandma
away from him.
I went camping recently
for this next joke, and...
[laughter]
I married a woman
who loves to camp,
and I am what you would call
"indoorsy."
I'm surprised we can still get
people to camp.
"Hey, want to burn
a couple of vacation days
sleeping on the ground
outside?"
"Uh, no."
"What if I told you you get to
crap standing up in the woods?"
"I still wouldn't want
to go."
"You'll wake up freezing
covered in a rash."
"All right, I'll go."
My wife
always brings up--
"Camping's a tradition
in my family."
Hey, it was a tradition
in everyone's family
till we came up with the house.
My parents never
took me camping.
You know why?
'Cause they loved me.
"It'll get you closer
to nature."
I want to keep the relationship
professional.
If it's so great outside,
why are all the bugs trying
to get in my house?
Some places you have to pay
to camp.
You have to pay
to sleep outside.
That's got to be insulting
to the homeless people.
"How much this cost you?"
"I live out here!"
"That must be
really expensive."
Occasionally at the campsite,
you'll see the Winnebago.
That's kind of cheating,
isn't it?
Oh, that's what I forgot,
my house.
There's always that one couple
at every campsite
that's been camping
for way too long.
They have the folding chairs,
the Christmas lights in July.
"We'd love to have you
for dinner."
"I'm sure you would.
"Now, how do I get a padlock
on my tent
so we're not eaten
by Ma and Pa Dahmer?"
Happy camper!
Has anyone ever really been
a happy camper?
'Cause whenever we use that
term, we're being sarcastic.
He is not
a happy camper.
Why don't we just
call him a camper?
He's miserable.
You know who's a happy camper?
The guy leaving the campsite.
He's the happiest camper.
He gets to take a shower.
He ruined camping for me.
To be fair, it is beautiful
during the day, you know,
but at night, you're always
like, "We're all gonna die!
There's monsters out there!
I see their eyes!"
I probably wouldn't be so scared
if I wasn't sleeping in a bag.
"Hey, let's prepackage ourselves
for the serial killer, huh?
I can't get away, can you?"
"I can hop for a little,
but I'm dead meat."
You ever have to go
to the bathroom
in the middle of the night?
You always look at your friends,
"Nice knowing you.
"Anyone want to come
and get killed with me,
"or you want to get killed
looking for me?
We're all dead."
It's not just serial killers.
There's bears out there.
Last time I went,
I got this pamphlet that said
if a bear approaches,
you're supposed to play dead.
Really? We're gonna rely
on my acting skills?
Play dead?
Who came up with that?
Maybe the bears.
"Play dead,
cover yourself in honey,
"climb on a large
white plate.
"Don't try to run away from us.
I mean the bears."
How does that even work?
There's a bear.
Uh. Uh.
I hope the bear thinks
we die standing up.
As if bears have
some ethical code.
"I don't mess with dead bodies.
I'm a bear, not an animal."
That was the worst impression
of a bear ever.
Play dead.
I'm not saying that strategy
didn't work once.
But when they find a body
that's been mauled by a bear,
how do they know that guy
wasn't playing dead?
Maybe he was
the best at it.
And the bear was like,
"Great performance,
"but I'm starving,
and he looks like
a burrito."
Why are we even camping
where there's wild animals?
That wouldn't be a selling point
for anything else.
"Oh, it's a beautiful
golf course.
"Plus, around the ninth hole,
there's a pack of wolves.
If they start running at you,
just play through."
The only thing I like to do
outside is lie in a hammock.
That's all
about doing nothing.
It's hard to do anything
once you get in a hammock,
'cause you can't get out.
It's like a giant net
for catching lazy people.
Can't even drink in this!
All you can do it relax,
you know.
You never see someone crying
in a hammock.
[imitates crying]
My life is--
[normal voice]
Oh, this is delightful.
You ever get in a hammock
with someone else?
You'd better be dating 'em,
'cause it looks like you're
trying to start a family.
I got in a hammock
with my cousin.
He still won't talk to me.
He made the hammock
a dirty thing.
Hammock's just
the outdoor bed, you know.
I find it hard to get
out of a regular bed.
It's always sad
in the morning.
You're like,
"I'm gonna miss you.
"You were wonderful
last night.
I didn't want it to end."
We never want it to end, right?
That's why there's
the snooze bar.
Nothing like
starting the day off
with a little procrastination.
[cheers and applause]
As my first decision
of the day,
I will go back to sleep.
How many plans has
the snooze bar destroyed?
You hear the alarm, you're like,
"You know what?
I'm not going to the gym
this morning."
Snooze.
Eight minutes later
you hear the alarm.
"You know what? I took
a long shower yesterday."
Snooze.
Eight minutes later
you hear the alarm.
"You know what? I always wanted
to go on welfare."
Snooze.
The best is when you wake up,
you look at the clock,
and you see
you still have time to sleep.
It's like finding $1,000.
This is my lucky
day/night/day!
[laughter]
I used to have a futon.
Anyone ever make
that mistake?
It's like sleeping on a grill.
Never enough fu in the ton.
It's a couch
that turns into a bed.
The most disappointing
Transformer of all.
You ever try and move a futon?
That's impossible.
You always end up folding it
in half
and dragging it around
like it's an 800-pound taco.
You're like...
[groans]
I did some research. You know
what they fill futons with?
Hatred.
[grumbles]
The only thing more
uncomfortable than the futon
is the beanbag chair.
Has anyone ever sat
in a beanbag chair
and thought, "Well, this was
a good decision"?
Everyone's like,
"How do I get out of this?
What, do I scissor-kick
or something?"
And how do you sit
in a beanbag chair
without looking like you have
a drinking problem?
They got to get this one
in rehab.
Who even came up with that?
"Hey, you know how people love
sitting on beans?"
"Uh, not really, but go ahead."
"Well, it'd be a big bag
filled with beans,
"and we'd make the bag vinyl,
so when you were wearing shorts,
it would stick to your legs."
"Do you even work here?"
I have a nice bed.
I don't believe in
making the bed, though.
My wife's always like, "Why
don't you ever make the bed?"
For the same reason I don't tie
my shoes after I take 'em off.
It doesn't make sense, you know.
I'm not putting
this thing in storage.
[cheers and applause]
I'm hoping to come back
in a couple of hours,
and I would like it open.
'Cause when our bed's made,
it's covered in 40 pillows,
like we're stockpiling ammo
for the global pillow fight.
I asked my wife, I'm like,
"What's the deal
with all these pillows?"
"They're for decoration."
How often are you giving a tour
of our bedroom?
And has anyone ever been
impressed by pillows?
Like someone's gonna leave
your bedroom,
"I didn't know they were doing
that well."
[laughter]
"They got, like,
40, 50 pillows on that bed.
They're rolling in down."
Pillow jokes, really?
Is that what he's doing?
I didn't know it was
gonna be so edgy.
I didn't come here
to be shocked into laughter.
Excuse me.
I had a bed day today.
You ever hang out in bed
all day?
Anyone else do heroin?
No.
That's not funny.
Those bed days are the best.
People rarely volunteer
that information.
"Sorry I'm late. I didn't get
out of bed till 5:00 p.m."
"Oh, were you sick?"
"No, I was in heaven...
just fantasizing
about being in a coma."
Breakfast in bed.
Breakfast in bed--
that is a fantasy,
'cause it gives you the option
of going back to sleep
when you're done.
Well, it'd be rude
to eat and run.
I should stick around
and see if there's lunch in bed.
That whole eating while
you're lying down is beautiful.
Too bad hospitals have
that sickness requirement,
'cause I would check in maana.
"What are your symptoms?"
"I'm hungry,
and I could go for a nap.
Stat!"
Of course, what makes
breakfast in bed so special
is you're lying down
and eating bacon,
the most beautiful thing
on Earth.
[cheers and applause]
Bacon's the best.
Even the frying of bacon
sounds like applause.
It's like, ahh.
Yay, bacon!
You want to know
how good bacon is?
To improve other food,
they wrap it in bacon.
If it weren't for bacon,
we wouldn't even know
what a water chestnut is.
Thank you, Bacon.
Sincerely, Water Chestnut III.
And those bits of bacon.
Bits of bacon are like the fairy
dust of the food community.
You don't want
this baked potato?
[imitates bell ringing]
Now it's your favorite part
of the meal.
Not interested in a salad?
Bibbidi bobbidi bacon!
I just turned it
into an entre.
But once you put bacon
in a salad,
it's no longer a salad.
It just becomes a game of
find the bacon in the lettuce.
It's like you're panning
for gold.
Hmm, eureka!
Bacon!
Not many ways to prepare bacon.
You can either fry it
or get botulism.
It's amazing the shrinkage
that occurs.
You start with a pound,
you end up with a bookmark.
Really the only bad part about
bacon is it makes you thirsty
for more bacon.
I never feel like
I get enough bacon.
At breakfast, it's like
they're rationing it.
Here's your two strips
of bacon.
I want more!
More bacon!
Whenever you're
at a brunch buffet
and you see that
big metal tray
filled with the 4,000 pieces
of bacon,
don't you almost expect a
rainbow to be coming out of it?
I found it!
I found the source of all bacon!
[laughter]
That bacon tray is always
at the end of the buffet.
You regret all the stuff
on your plate.
What am I doing
with all this worthless fruit?
I should have waited.
If I had known you were here,
I would have waited.
I would eat only you, bacon.
But you can't eat only bacon,
'cause it's terrible for you.
You know bacon's bad when a
healthier choice is a doughnut.
Bacon's like the opposite
of medicine.
It's like,
"Ah, take that, Lipitor.
I'm bacon!"
We've known bacon is bad for us
for thousands of years.
It's literally a restriction
on entering certain religions.
Our rules--no killing,
no cheating on your wife,
no bacon.
Ooh!
What was that last one?
No bacon.
I'm in the wrong line.
Is there a bacon line
around here?
How many bacon jokes is
this guy gonna do?
I mean, I like bacon,
but come on!
The pig is an amazing animal.
You feed a pig an apple,
it makes bacon.
I find that impressive.
Let's see Michael Phelps
do that, huh?
[cheers and applause]
The pig--the pig is
turning an apple,
essentially garbage,
into bacon.
That's magic
or the most successful
recycling program ever.
Really the pig
is man's best friend.
I love dogs, but pigs would be
good companions,
and then when they die,
you could have a barbecue.
Sorry your pig died.
Can I come over for breakfast
and have some bacon?
Bacon is that good.
I bet if you put bits of bacon
on a strip of bacon
you could travel back in time.
It's like a tasty vortex.
It'd be kind of redundant
for me,
'cause I would just travel back
to when I was eating bacon.
It'd be a bacon-to-bacon
time-space continuum.
That's a nerdy-ass bacon joke.
Fatback, supposedly fatback is
like bacon on steroids.
Never tried fatback,
probably 'cause
it's called fatback.
I don't know which word
creeps me out more,
"fat" or "back."
Why don't they just throw in
"hairy" while they're at it?
This is some delicious
hairy fatback.
That reminds me,
your uncle called.
That's got to be the end
of the bacon jokes.
I even like the name bacon.
You can't tell me
the success of Kevin Bacon
isn't somehow tied to his name.
[cheers and applause]
You're not going out to see
a Kevin Hot Dog movie.
Who's in this movie?
Kevin Bacon.
Sounds good.
Bacon.
I like meat, I do.
But you know who seems to be
really obsessed with meat
are vegetarians.
You know, for people that
don't like meat,
they seem to eat a lot of
vegetables that are mashed up
and shaped to look like meat.
"I find meat repulsive.
"I'll have a veggie burger
with fake bacon,
"and can you serve it to me
dressed like a cow?
"I don't like meat.
"I just like to call meat
late at night and hang up.
"Let's drive by meat's house.
"Does meat ever ask about me?
"I don't care.
"I ain't missing you at all
Missing you "
[cheers and applause]
Never see that the other way.
"I will have the steak, and can
you make it taste like tofu?"
My wife refuses
to eat meat
'cause she feels
it's cruel to animals,
which, interestingly enough,
is the same reason
why I don't eat vegetables.
I'm a vegetable rights
activist.
Except for the potato,
they can't feel anything.
Yeah.
I do love animals.
I've never looked at a cow and
thought, "I want to eat that."
But once that cow is
slaughtered,
drained of all its blood,
chopped up, and put on a grill,
I get hungry.
Mm, cow!
Definitely helps if it
doesn't look like an animal.
This ham sandwich doesn't look
like a pig to me.
But ribs, you know, there's
no getting around ribs,
'cause they're ribs.
It's amazing how casually
we order.
"Yeah, I will have
the baby back ribs,
"and could you wheel that out
in a stroller?
"I'm gonna start
with the baby chicken legs.
I'm gonna have
an all-baby meal."
Hey, buddy,
I used to be a baby.
How do you eat ribs without
looking like a caveman anyway?
Excuse me while I tear the flesh
from this bone.
I need the energy
for when I club you later on.
I like all kinds of meat,
even bologna.
I knew he was white trash.
[cheers and applause]
I don't even know if bologna
is a meat.
I don't think meat's supposed
to catch on fire like that.
[laughter]
What's interesting
about bologna,
it's not just a meat,
it's an insult.
That's a bunch of baloney.
You're full of baloney.
That kind of implies
bologna makes you lie.
I eat bologna all the time.
Or maybe I don't.
Maybe that's just
the bologna talking.
Have you seen the bologna
that has the olives in it?
Who's that for?
I like my bologna
like a martini,
with an olive.
I'll have
the bologna sandwich, dirty.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Everything about bologna
is silly.
Who decided on the pronunciation
of the word bologna?
"All right, how do you want to
pronounce this word?"
"Baloney!"
"I don't know if you saw,
there's a G in the word."
"I don't see no G.
Baloney."
"Okay, well, the word does end
with an A."
"We're going with baloney!
Trust me,
I came up with kernel."
[cheers and applause]
You ever been reading, you come
across the word "colonel,"
you're like, colo--colonial,
someone important.
This reading's hard.
Where's my TV?
Some reading is hard.
Someone hands me
a legal document, I pass out.
I'm like...
[imitates crash]
What, do they spray these
with chloroform?
"Whereas the aforementioned
hereby known as proprietor."
Who wrote this, Shakespeare?
And why does it take 80 pages
to communicate
"I will owe you money
the rest of my life"?
Whenever I get
a legal document,
it always has those red posty
notes with the arrows on them.
I feel like I'm in a live
episode of "Dora the Explorer."
Where should you sign?
Here?
You did it!
[humming]
[cheers and applause]
I've never read
a legal document.
I've signed a couple of them.
That's why there's
so many lawyers.
"How much would I have
to pay you to read this?"
"$500 an hour."
"That seems reasonable.
Just make sure I'm not
giving away a kid or anything."
It's laziness.
I think you know you're lazy
when you find recycling
a pain in the ass.
[scoffs]
I got to figure out
which garbage can
to put this in?
What am I, a chemist?
At home, my wife's always like,
"Did you rinse out
that soda can?"
"I haven't showered today.
"Maybe I should clean myself
before I start washing
the garbage."
[cheers and applause]
Recycling is a little bit more
of a pain than they let on.
You know, "We're gonna start
recycling newspapers."
"Oh, great, I got
some newspapers right here."
"Oh, you're gonna have to
bundle those up in twine."
"Twine?
Where do you even find twine?"
"You have to go
to your hardware store."
"I'm just not gonna read
newspapers.
Sounds easier
than finding twine."
What is this,
"Little House on the Prairie"?
Maybe next time Pa goes
into town to get some feed,
he can pick up some twine
and rock candy.
Twine.
I'm sure you're like us.
We try and do our part.
We buy the different-colored
garbage bags.
I just feel weird
buying garbage bags,
'cause you buy garbage bags,
they put 'em in the grocery bag,
you bring your groceries home,
you take the garbage bags
out of the grocery bag,
and then you put the grocery bag
in the garbage bag.
Am I being punked?
[laughter]
You ever been at home and you go
to throw something out,
you see the garbage can
needs a bag--
are you like me and think,
"Oh, I'm gonna wait
for someone else to do that"?
I don't know if I'm done
with these orange peels yet.
Later on I might make
some potpourri or something.
I'll just put that
on the counter,
covered it with a paper towel.
It's like I was never here.
My wife stopped buying
paper towels.
They're bad for the environment,
which surprised me.
I guess we should know
paper towels are bad
for the environment.
They do have a lumberjack
on the label.
The guy's always
standing there like,
"Let's destroy the ozone
together.
I'll clear-cut this forest,
you drive an SUV."
If you look closely under
one arm, he's smothering an owl.
That Brawny guy's
gonna kick his ass.
Obviously, we all care
about the environment,
except for those people that are
throwing full bags of garbage
out on the highway.
You ever been driving down
the highway,
you see a full bag of garbage?
Wouldn't you love to meet
that guy?
I'm too lazy to empty
my garbage.
He's taking his for a ride.
What's going on in the car?
"How you doing, garbage?
"You're getting out here!
You're not talking,
you're walking!"
That joke didn't even
make sense.
My wife's into
the organic products.
I didn't know this.
Organic is a grocery term
meaning twice as expensive.
She bought me
a natural deodorant,
and printed on the label,
it said, "Does not work."
At least they're being honest.
It's better than
no deodorant, you know.
We all have that friend
that's like,
"You know, you really don't need
to wear deodorant."
"Yeah, but you do."
"It's not natural."
"Well, neither
is crapping indoors."
"It's bad for me
to wear deodorant."
"I'm suffering from some
secondhand BO right now."
I think it's interesting
all the different scents
they have for deodorant.
You know what scent
they should have is bacon.
Talk about getting
someone to crave you.
I don't know why, but I want
to have breakfast with him.
[laughter]
I bought some Speed Stick.
What's interesting
about Speed Stick,
it actually smells worse
than BO.
What's that made out of,
urinal cakes?
You ever wear a different
deodorant than normal?
For the rest of the day,
doesn't it seem like
there's a stranger
standing behind you?
Am I being followed...
by a pine tree?
I'm glad I'm wearing
a button-up shirt.
I have yet to figure out
how to put on deodorant
and then put on a T-shirt
without getting a spot here,
here, the middle of back.
What, was I wrestling it?
I got my ass kicked
by my deodorant.
Went to the drugstore.
They sell everything
in drugstores.
I remember when it was just
like drugs and deodorant.
Now you're like, "Well, I got
this cholesterol medication.
"I guess I'll get
some ice cream,
a king-size Snickers,
and a casket."
[laughter]
It's an interesting dynamic
in the drugstore, right?
'Cause there's the people that
work on the drugstore floor
that always seem like they want
to quit or kill themselves.
And then there's the pharmacist
in the back
in that glass cage
in a white lab coat,
like they're the wizard.
In commercials,
the pharmacist is always
the nicest guy on Earth.
"Hey, how you doing?
This prescription's on me."
In reality,
doesn't it always seem
like you're inconveniencing
the pharmacist?
They're always like,
"What do you want?
I was working
on my time machine."
"I need these pills."
"Yeah, it's gonna be, like,
five hours.
"Why don't you go
and sit on that metal chair
across from the condoms?"
[laughter]
You ever sit
on that metal chair?
It's humiliating.
People are always like,
"What kind of disease
does he have?"
"I got a lot of 'em.
Just hanging out
with the condoms."
I don't understand
what the wait's for.
Why does it take five hours to
put six pills in an orange cup?
What, are they trying to hit it
from, like, ten feet away?
"Tell him to come back."
"Now I know
why I'm a pharmacist,
not a basketball player."
[cheers and applause]
I'm actually winded
from doing that.
He was out of shape.
I should work out.
It's hard to find time
to work out
when you really don't want to.
Can't do it now,
'cause I don't want to.
And later on,
I'm not gonna be interested.
It only takes 20 minutes a day,
just 20 minutes.
Yeah, that's too many.
Can you make it no minutes?
Those workout clothes
are comfortable
to watch television in, huh?
Thanks to Nike,
I think I'll finish
this "Law & Order" marathon.
I do belong
to a health club.
I see that membership card
every time I'm at Wendy's
getting a triple.
I think those membership cards
are kind of scary,
'cause, obviously,
they exist because at one time,
there were people sneaking in
to work out.
That's like breaking in
to the Gap to fold sweaters.
[laughter]
That was cute.
I am trying to be
more responsible.
I'm a father now.
That's right.
I became a priest.
Thank you.
Bless you.
It's interesting, you know,
when I was single,
I never really saw myself
as a family man.
But now that I'm married and
I have two beautiful children,
it's really made me appreciate
being alone.
[laughter]
It's hard.
My daughter's four.
My son's two.
I tell you, it's exhausting
watching my wife
do all that work.
She should get some help.
I can barely nap
through the screaming.
My wife does do everything.
It's hard to complain around
the mother of a small child.
You're like, "Yeah, I didn't get
much sleep last night."
"Oh, really?
I slept for a minute,
and I was breast-feeding
during that minute."
"That's rough.
Can you get me a beer?"
He is a jerk.
I'll tell you,
explaining things to my kids
makes me realize
how little I know.
Recently my son pointed
to an antenna and said,
"Look, Daddy, stick."
I said,
"Actually, that's an antenna."
He goes, "What's an antenna?"
"It's a stick.
It's a silver stick.
You nailed it, buddy."
I always feel dumb, you know.
It doesn't help that my wife
spells everything
in front of my kids.
"Don't tell anyone
about the i-c-e c-r-e-a-m."
"Who's in the emergency room?
And why do I want
a Dilly Bar?"
'Cause you can't say the words
"ice cream"
in front of a four-year-old.
They are a commitment.
"Yeah, I'll have ice cream."
"Daddy was just saying the words
'ice cream.'"
"I'll have it right now.
Chocolate."
I went to a birthday party
for a four-year-old.
That was awkward.
Probably 'cause
I wasn't invited.
The cake came out.
I love how we serve ice cream
with cake.
You know what would be good
with this sugar bread?
Some frozen sugar milk.
Let's give it
to the four-year-olds,
see how they respond.
Oh, they're going crazy.
[laughter]
My son's been walking
for a while.
It's amazing.
Babies--they learn to walk,
and they're already trying
to get away.
Time for a bath.
[laughs]
Where you going?
What, do you got
an escape car outside?
You can't reach the doorknob.
You only know us.
What's your plan?
Think it through, buddy.
Think it through.
[cheers and applause]
Of course,
if you have a boy,
you have to deal
with the circumcision question.
Men love that topic.
They're like, "Uh, can you talk
about something else,
like prison rape, anything?"
'Cause circumcision's
a scary word.
I looked it up
in the dictionary.
It just said, "Ow!
From the Latin for aah!"
We went through with it,
only 'cause my son requested it.
[laughter]
It is pretty crazy.
Obviously, it started
as a religious tradition,
circumcision, but how'd they
even come up with the idea?
Were there a bunch
of religious leaders gathered,
and one guy was like,
"All right,
how should we honor God?"
There was one,
"I say we don't eat pork."
"I don't know. I like bacon."
"Anyone got anything else?"
"What if we cut off
part of our penis?"
[laughter]
"All right, no pork.
We'll go no pork.
I want that man removed!"
[cheers and applause]
My wife told me
that in the Bible,
Abraham circumcised himself.
Wow.
I can't even get to the bank
before it closes.
Abraham did it, you know.
God told him to do it.
Would have loved to have
overheard that conversation.
"Abraham."
"Oh, hey, God, how you doing?"
"I need you to do something
for me."
"Oh, sure. You're God."
"I need you
to circumcise yourself."
"I think we got
a bad connection.
"Can you send me an email?
Are you on Facebook yet?"
I tell you, those challenges
in the Bible
took a leap
in difficulty there.
It was like,
don't eat this apple,
build me a boat,
cut off part of your penis.
"What if I build you
two boats?"
How did Abraham even tell
his wife, you know?
Maybe he didn't. He was just
getting out of the shower.
She was like,
"What the hell have you done?"
"Honey, I can explain.
God told me to do it."
"If God told you
to jump off a bridge,
if God told you to sacrifice
our first--"
"Actually, I have to talk to you
about that one."
[applause]
Yeah, Abraham,
he went through the wringer.
It's not like Jesus had
a cakewalk, though.
You think Jesus ever tried
to talk God
out of some of that stuff?
You know, like, "Hey, Dad,
you know that
whole crucifixion thing?"
"Yes, you're dying on the cross
for all mankind's sins."
"Yeah, yeah, hear me out.
"What if instead of that,
we did a big fund-raiser?"
"No. Now get cracking
on your miracles."
Jesus performed
so many miracles.
You think the carpentry
ever came up
when he was doing the miracles?
"Jesus, if you could cure
our son's blindness,
"and we'd love some shelves
right here.
"I don't know if you want to do
the blindness, then the shelves.
"We need the shelves
by Tuesday.
Of course, we'd love our son
to see those shelves."
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Jesus had the Apostles--
traveling with 12 guys.
You get, like, five guys
together, a fistfight starts.
If I were Jesus,
I would have snapped.
I would have been like,
"Stop following me!
"Would one of you shave?
We look like
a homeless football team."
He's going to hell
for that joke.
You know, the Apostles are
always used as an example
of people that gave up
everything to follow Jesus.
They gave up everything, but
you know, they were fishermen.
It's not like they were
investment bankers.
You know, Jesus went up to 'em,
"Hey, you know, you're sitting
"out here in the blistering heat
trying to catch fish
in the Dead Sea."
"Yeah, it sucks."
"You want to follow me?
I'm God.
By the way, I can turn water
into wine."
"All right, I'll go with you."
"One condition, you have
to give up everything,
and I mean everything."
"So I leave the pole here?"
"No, we can bring the pole."
The Apostles--
how'd the come up
with that name, you know?
You think one
of the Apostles was like,
"Hey, Jesus, me and the guys
were talking"?
I don't know why
he sounds like that.
Maybe he's the Apostle
from Brooklyn.
"Jesus, me and the guys
were talking, you know.
We think we need a name."
Jesus was like,
"Whatever. I don't care."
"What about this name,
the Apostles...
"maybe the Disciples.
"We could get
some leather jackets,
get a big bird on the back."
And Jesus is like, "Whatever.
We're all gonna be martyred."
"But we can still get
the jackets, right?"
I don't like
those religion jokes.
They make me uncomfortable.
We all know Jesus had
the Apostles,
but did he have a best friend?
Was he ever like, "I think
everyone know the Apostles,
"and this is my buddy Earl.
"We were
in marching band together.
He thinks this whole
Messiah thing is crazy."
[gasps]
He's going to hell for that.
Heaven, I hope Heaven's nice.
We kind of built it up
down here, didn't we?
We compare everything
to Heaven.
It's like, "Try this pie.
It's like Heaven."
What if we got to Heaven
and they're like, "No pie"?
"No pie? On Earth--"
"Yeah, those people
aren't coming up here."
West Virginia,
you know, West Virginia--
the state slogan
of West Virginia is
"Almost Heaven, West Virginia,"
which sounds cool,
but that's not, like,
the best promotion for Heaven.
'Cause based on that,
if I'm a good guy all my life,
when I die,
I'm going to a place
a little bit better
than West Virginia?
I mean, it's beautiful,
but that kind of makes me want
to take another look at hell.
He went too far.
I didn't like that joke at all.
It made me uncomfortable.
I know religion jokes
make some people uncomfortable,
and I call them sinners.
My wife is very Catholic.
If you've never been
to a Catholic mass,
it's still going on.
[laughter,
cheers, and applause]
Never really ends.
They just loop it around.
I can never get my wife to leave
when church is over.
She's always like,
"Why don't we stay
and talk
to the weirdest people here?"
She doesn't consider me
a real Catholic
'cause I don't go to church
or follow any
of the Church teachings.
But, you know, occasionally
I'll root for Notre Dame.
So I'm Catholic.
I think it's interesting
how Catholics and Protestants
didn't get along.
How did that play out,
you know?
You see those people
over there
with the almost identical
beliefs as mine?
I want to kill them.
'Cause my God's
all about love.
My grandma would hate
those jokes.
2 weeks ago was my grandmother's
101st birthday.
How about that?
[cheers and applause]
Well, it's not
that big of a deal.
She died 20 years ago.
That's a trick joke!
[laughter]
Yeah, this has been a fun tour.
I've been traveling
for a while.
I get emails every week
from friends,
"Hey, when you come to town,
you have to stay with us."
No, I don't.
'Cause everyone's house
has their own kind of smell.
I'm always like, "Are you guys
making vitamins in here?
"Who's cooking the feet?
'Cause they are done."
You never get offered
a real bed.
"You can crash on the futon."
I didn't even know
I was getting drunk tonight.
They always offer the futon
or the air bed.
The air bed--I remember when
that was just called a raft.
"Do I get a kickboard
as a pillow?"
They always have
a schedule too.
"We were thinking breakfast
around 7:00."
"Think again.
Now, where can I watch TV
all day in my underwear."
You're always in trouble
as the houseguest.
"Who left that damn
porch light on?"
"I was just looking
for the bathroom."
"That's all right. We just want
you to feel bad for an hour."
You never wake up
at the right time.
You wake up a couple minutes
after them.
"[gasps]
Nice of you to join us.
We thought you fell
into a coma."
"We just want you to feel bad
for an hour."
You ever stay at someone's place
and they're not there?
That's weird,
going through their stuff.
[laughter]
These people got
some weird habits.
I stayed at my brother's place
for a while.
He has a bar in his house,
which is cool.
But how do you have a bar
in your house
and not admit you have a little
bit of a drinking problem?
"I'm not an alcoholic,
"I just need a room
dedicated to booze.
"Here's where we watch TV.
Here's where we eat.
"I get tanked over here.
"I got a porn closet
in the back.
Crack den's downstairs."
Is he drunk?
I think he's drunk.
There is always that
travel pressure, you know.
The eating travel pressure.
You know, it's like,
"Oh, you're going to Austin.
You got to get barbecue.
Got to get barbecue in Austin."
Every city, you know,
has a food they're famous for.
It's almost like
there was a meeting.
"Okay, Chicago,
what do you pick?"
"Deep-dish pizza."
"Okay. Philadelphia?"
"Cheesesteak."
"Okay. Boston?"
"Beans."
[laughter]
"You want beans?"
"Yeah, beans are awesome.
"They're wicked awesome,
"The Yankees suck,
and Dunkin' Donuts rocks!
"Dunkin' Donuts!
Dunkin' Donuts!"
New England loves
their Dunkin' Donuts.
Some people love Dunkin' Donuts
too much.
"Dunkin' Donuts is awesome!"
I think they're
just making doughnuts,
not curing lupus.
I like Dunkin' Donuts, but have
you been to a Dunkin' Donuts
that doesn't have a homeless guy
standing in front?
Is that part
of the design plans?
"There'll be an entrance here,
a deranged lunatic here."
There's always a guy
standing out there
like they're Ronald McDonald.
[laughter]
Dunkin' Donuts--it's
an interesting concept, really.
It's almost as if AA opened
their own restaurant.
"What should we have?"
"Coffee, doughnuts,
maybe a little honesty."
Hi, my name's Jim. I haven't had
a doughnut in 30 seconds.
I don't know how Dunkin' Donuts
even stays in business.
If they sell 3,000 doughnuts,
what do they make, 30 bucks?
Whenever I go in there,
it seems like they're trying
to get rid of the doughnuts.
Like, "Yeah, I'll have
six doughnuts."
"That'll be $3, but if you get
a dozen, it's a nickel."
"How much are two dozen?"
"We give you ten bucks."
They're either trying
to get rid of them
or trying to get us addicted.
You ever buy a couple
of doughnuts, you open it up,
and there's some
free Munchkins in there?
Those are the gateway doughnut.
First time's always free.
Now at some locations,
they have Dunkin' Donuts
and Baskin-Robbins
in the same building.
It's like a marriage made
in obesity.
Finally Dunkin' Donuts is
offering something for dessert.
Doughnuts and ice cream--
it's like two pairs
of dirty underwear.
[chuckles]
I haven't eaten
in, like, 40 minutes.
That's weird for me.
Americans, we love to eat,
you know.
When we're not eating,
we're chewing gum.
We're literally
practicing eating.
Yeah, I got a big meal
coming up.
Training for Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving--
that is all about overeating.
I mean, one of the main dishes
is actually called stuffing.
Stuffing?
What names did they turn down?
Cram it in?
Eat till you can't breathe?
Am I the only one
that doesn't feel comfortable
with the fact stuffing is cooked
inside a dead animal?
Shove a loaf of bread up there,
mm, delicious.
[laughter]
Kind of a humiliating way
to go out for the turkey.
"You're gonna kill me?"
"Oh, it's gonna get
a lot worse.
You do not want to know."
My problem is I love all
the food that's bad for you,
like bacon...
We know you like bacon.
And fried chicken.
You ever put a piece of
fried chicken on a paper napkin,
you come back, and the napkin's
turned into liquid?
Fried chicken
can't be good for you, really.
I mean, one of the serving sizes
is bucket.
Bucket.
Isn't that how we feed
farm animals?
Yeah, I'll have
a bucket of fried chicken,
a silo of Pepsi,
and a trough of pig slop.
Make the pig slop diet.
Speaking of pig slop,
have you tried one
of those KFC Bowls?
[laughter]
It's like KFC
as a corporation decided,
"You know all our crap
tastes the same,
why don't we just throw it
in a bowl?"
And I'll tell you,
it's delicious.
It has a layer
of mashed potatoes
a layer of corn,
a layer of cigarette butts,
a couple apple cores.
It's like "Charlotte's Web."
"Where's Templeton?"
Popeyes is my favorite
fried chicken.
I love Popeyes.
I love that name.
Oh, I get it,
Popeye was a sailor,
and your food goes through me
like a torpedo.
That makes sense.
Popeye ate spinach,
and now I have dysentery.
Popeye had muscles,
I can't stand up.
Maybe they're not talking about
the cartoon character Popeye.
Maybe they're talking
about what happens to your eyes
after you eat the food.
I got to go to the bathroom.
[laughter]
I eat the fast food. I do.
It's amazing how our attitude
on fast food changes.
When you're a kid,
it's your favorite place,
but as an adult,
you look at fast food
like someone you used to date.
"I can't believe
I ever went there."
Then the next night,
"Well, it's late.
And I'm drunk, so..."
[cheers and applause]
We're all so embarrassed
to eat fast food.
You ever go in there, everyone's
sitting by themselves.
They're hunched over,
wearing a ski mask.
Don't tell my wife I'm here!
They know we're embarrassed
to eat fast food.
That's why they invented
the drive-through.
Look, no one has to see you.
Just drive around back,
we'll hand it out the window.
[laughter,
cheers, and applause]
That drive-through is
pretty convenient, right?
Except for that final stretch
for your food.
You're like, "Can you bring
your building closer to my car?
"Do I have to do everything?
What a pain in the ass."
"Why is he reaching out the
passenger's side of the car?"
Fast-food places
are so fast and easy,
they've ruined me
for regular restaurants.
Whenever I'm
in a regular restaurant,
I'm always like, "Let's see,
I will order the hamburger.
Where is it?"
"Sir, how would you like
your hamburger done?"
"Right now.
Where is it?
"And can you wrap it
in paper
"so I feel like I'm opening
a present?
"Or maybe put it
in a Styrofoam clamshell
and present it like
an engagement ring?"
[gasps]
I do.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Too bad all the food
at fast-food places
is so bad for you.
I love how there's the option
of a milk shake.
You're like, "Well, I shouldn't,
but I'm in a hurry
"so I'll get a burger and fries,
and to drink,
"I'll have the large cup
of melted ice cream.
Do you have an EKG machine
back there?"
Most restaurants try
and set a mood.
You know, you go in there,
you're like,
"Oh, I feel like I'm
in a Tuscan villa."
Fast-food places
are brightly lit,
smell like disinfectant,
the furniture is bolted down.
Where am I,
a mental institution?
We got to get out of here!
I love the fast food.
I do wish I was there
when they decided on the size
of those ketchup packets.
I'm not saying I need a gallon,
but maybe enough
for more than one fry.
I always end up opening 20.
I look like a heroin addict.
I'm gonna party
once I get set up here!
Has anyone ever used
just one ketchup packet?
"Do you have a half of a quarter
of an ounce of ketchup?
"It's just so darn rich.
"I need a resealable packet,
one that I could store
in my purse."
They always give you
three packets.
When you go back up
and ask for more,
the guy handing them out always
treats you like
you're taking
from his personal stash.
"Oh, it looks like my kids
aren't having ketchup tonight.
Enjoy, ketchup glutton."
Ketchup.
Sometimes printed
on the ketchup packet,
it'll say "not for resale."
I didn't even know
that was an issue.
I've been
to a lot of flea markets--
no ketchup packets.
You know what?
If you're in a position
where you have to sell
ketchup packets,
I don't think that's gonna
hold you back.
"We need money, maybe we should
sell these ketchup packets.
"Oh, we can't.
It says 'not for resale.'
Dang it."
If you're lucky, you'll get
a ketchup packet that's labeled
as "fancy ketchup."
Ketchup, you're being modest.
You're way more than fancy.
You're elegant.
I know it's all relative,
but what kind of life
are you leading where you
consider ketchup fancy?
"Well, we ain't rich folk,
but on special occasions,
"I'll break out the ketchup.
Grandma's birthday,
make her feel like a celebrity."
Ketchup.
Some fast-food places,
they have that ketchup pump.
It's like a keg.
They give you
the paper shot glass.
I always like to hang around
there, try and meet the ladies.
Here, I'll pump for you.
You come to this Wendy's often?
My roommate and I--we got
a pony pump back at my dorm.
Here's an extra shot
for your cute friend.
How many shots of ketchup
do you get?
I usually get, like, three,
but if I've had a bad day,
I'll get five.
My wife thinks I'm trash
'cause I use a lot of ketchup
on my sushi.
I find it gets rid
of the fish flavor.
How about those people
that don't use ketchup?
What are they called again,
al-Qaeda?
Ugh.
Ketchup.
The upside-down bottle
of ketchup, have you seen that?
Don't you think
it's a little embarrassing
how long it took us to come up
with the upside-down bottle?
It was only, like,
six months ago.
Some guy was like, "You know...
"we only use it like this.
Why don't we just put the cap
on the bottom?"
"Have people been complaining
ketchup is hard to get
out of the bottle?"
"For, like, a hundred years."
"I'll talk
to our gravity experts."
Ketchup is hard
to get out of a bottle.
You're always like...
[breathing heavily]
"You guys go on without me.
I'll be here.
Just leave me water."
You ever been given one
of those tiny ketchup bottles?
They're like 90% glass.
This is adorable,
but I want ketchup
not a Christmas ornament.
I'll put this
with my other glass menagerie.
[whispers]
Ketchup.
I never thought
I'd miss a bacon joke.
Salsa is like
the Mexican ketchup.
Marinara is
the Italian ketchup,
and British food is terrible.
[cheers and applause]
Actually, vinegar--
vinegar is the British ketchup.
How bad is your food when
adding vinegar improves it?
You know what
I use vinegar for?
Cleaning windows.
The British
are our only allies.
Why would he be so reckless...
with his edgy ketchup jokes?
What if Gordon Brown was sitting
in the audience right now?
And he was about to sign
the NATO treaty.
[mumbling]
I don't even understand
what he's saying.
[mumbling]
You guys love the hot sauce
down here, don't you?
[cheers and applause]
You ever notice people
that are really into hot sauce
are always challenging you?
"Hey, why don't you get the
super-hot fire engine sauce?"
"'Cause I don't feel like the
super-hot fire engine diarrhea."
How about that
for a reason, huh?
I'm not
into wearing diapers, okay?
Speaking of diapers, I went
to Waffle House last night.
[laughter]
I tell you, I thought
the IHOP was a dump
until I went
into a Waffle House.
Wow. They're not even trying
in there.
Here's something you'll never
hear in a Waffle House--
"Nice job cleaning up."
Now, if you've never been
to a Waffle House,
just imagine
a gas station bathroom
that sells waffles.
You've been to a Waffle House.
[cheers and applause]
I love Waffle House...
and not just 'cause watching
someone fry an egg
while they're smoking
reminds me of my dad.
It's the people in there.
It's like
a white-trash convention...
or for me, a family reunion.
It's so white trash in there,
it makes the IHOP appear
international.
I've seen a gun
five times in my life.
Three of them have been
in Waffle House.
There's definitely
a dangerous feel to 'em.
You know,
even the Waffle House sign
looks like a ransom note.
There's always a letter out.
Occasionally it'll be the W,
so it'll read "Affle House."
Yeah, that's where
I want to go at 2:00 a.m.
That's when everyone goes.
Their slogan should be,
"It's 2:00 a.m.
Still time to make
one more bad decision."
[laughter]
You go in there--
you go in there,
everyone's drunk.
You know everyone's drunk
in Waffle House
'cause they have pictures
of the food on the menu.
How drunk do you have to be
to not remember
what a waffle looks like?
Oh, yeah, it's like
a plaid pancake.
I'll have 12 of those
for a nickel.
You ever go into Waffle House
during the day?
That's weird.
This place looks familiar.
I think I threw up in here.
Oh, there it is.
[laughter]
All right, that is all.
Thank you so much, you guys.
[cheers and applause]
[bluesy music]