Jimmy O. Yang: Guess How Much? (2023) Movie Script
Give it up for Jimmy Ohh yeah.
Look at you, beautiful people.
Oh my God.
No good, you guys.
It's good to be back.
It's good to be back seeing
all your beautiful faces.
Give it up for yourselves,
man, for being here tonight.
Thank you.
I love you guys.
Appreciate you guys and Asian people,
where we had Asian people.
Look at you guys.
This is great.
I'm so proud of my Asian people.
There's so much excellence
out there going on
a lot of people representing.
It's never been a better time
to be Asian.
I say this every year, I know.
But truly, this is our time.
I mean, come on, we got BTS now,
come on, that's us.
That's all people.
They're doing it.
I'm so proud of them.
Biggest band in the world,
probably ever since the Backstreet Boys,
and they don't have
to speak English.
I love my PTS, man.
Even white people know PTS.
Now.
That's progress.
That's progress.
Out of 15 year old white kid
come up to me
trying to explain to me
the different members
of BTS.
He was like, ohh,
this is Joan Cook.
He's kind of like the lead singer
and that's Jim and he's really cool.
And he also raps, I'm like, dude,
they look the same to me.
I didn't want to say I couldn't say
it as an Asian person,
but they all just look like
me.
With pink hair.
I can turn the whole show
to a BTS concert right now.
Alright.
Yeah, this is this is Jimmy.
This is Jimmy right here.
You don't know.
You have the, you know.
You don't know smoke like.
But no, I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not gonna.
I'm not.
I'm not good at that.
I love my people, man.
I love BTS.
You guys probably heard in the news
they gotta go to mandatory
Korean army, right?
The most popular people in the world,
they gotta go sign up for Korean military.
That's some gangster shit.
Imagine how scared you'll be
when you encounter PTS
on the battlefield.
You're in battle.
You already kind of shook.
You had a field of grass
and a little puff of pink hair
just pops up.
Be like, yo, what the fuck
was that?
Is that a Unicorn?
And then six more pink hair pop up.
Feel like we're surrounded.
And the last thing
you see is just this.
That's some gangster shit.
I'm proud of my people, man.
I'm proud of my people.
You know, A lot of great
representation out there.
I see some of you guys
still wearing a mask.
I still wear my mask.
No shame in that, right?
It's all good.
It's all good.
I wear my mask not because
I think I'm gonna get sick,
but because I just want to talk
to anybody anymore.
But I'm still surprised
when people come up to me,
they're like, Oh my God Jimmy,
I'm
like how did you know?
How did you know?
How many other Asian guys
did you go up to?
Before it happened to me, me.
You don't know.
You don't know.
Underneath this mask.
I could be Aquafina.
You don't know.
And look, I'm not saying that all Asian
people look alike, OK?
I'm just saying that me
and Aquafina look alike.
And we both look like
we should be in BTS.
Love all the representation
out there, man.
But it's not just celebrities.
I'm very proud of that.
Everyday people out there representing.
That's the important part.
You know what I mean?
Ohh.
No no.
I'm very happy for this
one particular person.
I'm really happy for that old Chinese lady
in Chinatown
who's been wearing a mask since
1995.
Her life just suddenly made sense.
Before the mask mandate,
everybody looked at us like, ohh,
why is she wearing a mask
that's so random?
She's not random.
She's a fucking trailblazer, OK?
She started wearing a mask.
Now everybody has to wear a mask.
She's like the Kendall Jenner
of Chinatown.
She must have been so happy
when this mask mandate happened.
Just laughing at everyone.
It's like, look at you idiots.
I told you to put on a mask.
No, the CDC follows me.
She's prepared.
She didn't just have a mask.
She had gloves on
from when she's driving.
She had the full face shield
that comes down looking like Daft Punk.
That's my girl right there, man.
Asian people were ready
for this shit.
Social distancing.
We've been doing that for centuries.
Well, I got that.
Hugging and touching and all that.
You know, when we see each other,
just a nice bound, that is.
That is socially distanced,
and if you're really Asian,
you ever see two really Asian
people, It turns into a bowling contest
to see who's more respectful.
To see what can bow lower
and a more way from each other
until you just fold it in half
and you go home.
That social distancing people.
That's right.
That's right.
But the pandemic has taught us anything.
It's everybody should be
a little more Asian.
A lot of people in this country,
Americans, you know,
like we're not ready for this.
All the rules.
We're rebels, man.
We don't like falling rules.
People are like freaking out.
They're like mess, man.
They no.
I'm like, dude,
it's just a mask.
Just put on a mask.
They're like, it's not just a mask,
it's the government.
Yeah, it's the government
fear mongering.
I'm like, what is that?
They're like, yeah,
it's fear mongering.
They want you to be scared
of everything.
So you're obedient and you're scared
and you follow the rules.
I'm like, ohh,
that's called fear mongering.
Then my mom must have invented
fear mongering.
Ohh.
I didn't know that's
what it's called.
Ever since I was five years old,
my mom had me believe
that anything I do would make
me sick.
You go outside without a jacket,
you get the flu.
You go to bed with the fan
on pneumonia.
God forbid you fall asleep
with wet hair.
You don't wake up.
That's it.
You're dead.
That's it.
You're dead.
That's fear mongering man.
I'm not scared of anything anymore.
I don't think I have
any fear anymore.
I used to watch that show.
Fear Factor.
You guys remember that show?
Yeah.
Joe Rogan hosted Fear Factor
to make it face your fears.
Like jump off a helicopter, eat crazy shit
like pig intestines and century egg.
I ate that shit for breakfast.
This is nothing to me.
Fear is not a factor.
I do remember when I was like
10 years old little boy,
I was very scared because there
was one kid, pretty sad story in my class,
had childhood leukaemia
and they lost all
his hair to chemo
and everything looking real frail.
And I was really scared.
I was like, Oh my God,
is he going to be OK?
And my mom,
she's a great mother.
She saw how scared I was,
so she came up to console me.
She was like Jimmy.
Jamia.
You see?
This is what happens when you play
too much video games.
That's fearmongering, OK?
I never played a game
of FIFA after that.
My mom was like
the original fake news.
It's good to see everyone here, man.
I think collectively as people,
we all been through a lot
in the last few years, man.
And we made it out.
We made it out.
We're better for it, you know,
I feel like I'm mentally aged
like 20 years.
Like the first day I walked outside,
for some reason I just walked out
like an old Chinese
man.
I just came out
of my house like this.
I was wearing flip flops and a puffer vest
by Alpha made no sense.
My feet were cold chest sweat.
My posture look like shit,
but I'm still judging everyone.
I'm just saying.
I'm an old man now.
I don't even like going
outside anymore.
All my friends,
they back to normal, right?
They're like, ohh, Jimmy,
you wanna go to Coachella?
I'm like, Nah, no seats.
Ohh.
Gonna look fine to me.
Six hours standing
in the desert?
Fuck that.
You see all these kids,
like with the Instagram post,
you know, it's always like people
just like jumping around, dancing,
and then all these buff dudes
got like girls on his
shoulder.
I'm like, dude,
you not going to the concert?
You're doing CrossFit.
How's that for?
The only concert I've been
to this year?
I took my girlfriend to
a Don McLean concert.
Yeah.
You guys know who that is?
Yeah.
Couple people, thank you.
Thank you.
Tom McLean for you guys
that don't know saying the song.
Bye bye Miss American Pie.
Yeah, he's all that shit, dude.
He's 77 years old,
and so was his audience.
It was my favourite concert
I ever been to.
On a ticket it says show started at 8,
start at 7:59.
He never had an opener,
you know.
He just came on stage with a guitar
and started singing.
It was awesome.
Nobody stood up to, like,
obstruct my view
because frankly,
everyone had a bad hip.
It's great.
Still got home in time
to watch the 10:00 o'clock Evening News.
That's my kind of evening,
you know what I mean?
I don't like going outside anymore.
Too many crazy people,
too many weirdos.
One time I went to this dive bar
in a military town, San Diego.
Big military town.
I love my military, OK?
But I think sometimes, Yeah, yeah,
but I think sometimes.
Military people get
a little too passionate.
You know, thank you, thank you.
Exactly my point right there.
Thank you.
I love Milton,
but they're just too passionate.
Like I was at a dive bar,
this one military brother came up to me
who just like hey man.
I wanna buy your drink.
I'm like, no, no thank you.
I can.
I can buy my own drink.
Thank you.
There's like, no.
I wanna buy you a drink.
So at this point I thought either
he wanted to take a selfie
or he wanted to fuck me.
So I'm like, no Sir,
I think I can buy my own drink
and they start telling me
his whole
life story.
He's like, you don't understand.
I wanna buy you shrink.
Because our station in Okinawa 4 years.
And you guys have been nothing
but nice to me.
I'm like you guys.
You guys.
Okinawa is in Japan.
I'm Chinese, Sir.
It is like it doesn't matter, man.
It doesn't even matter.
I'm like, Sir, I think
it does matter, right?
I'm pretty sure the only reason
you were stationed in Japan
was to keep an eye out on
Chinese people like me.
It does matter.
He was like, it doesn't matter, man,
I still love pad Thai, OK?
Maybe that got run into BTS
on his next tour, Who knows.
My point of saying all of this
is Asian people,
we don't all look alike.
We don't all sound alike.
You know we don't,
we don't do anything alike.
We just people, you know, right.
Like everybody's different.
Thank you, white lady.
Thank you.
Thank you.
One white lady.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
Teachers.
Magnet school down the street,
a lot of Asian students.
So tonight I want to offer you guys
an advanced lesson.
On how to tell Asian people apart.
OK,
yeah, that's right.
I'm so good at telling Asian people apart,
I don't even need to look at you.
I can't tell you what
kind of Asian somebody
is by the sound they make
when they disappointed.
Because disappointment
is our strongest emotion.
Whenever you get disappointed,
our ancestor just comes out
and you can't hide that,
you
know.
Like, for example,
I'm Chinese.
I know Chinese people
very well, OK?
When Chinese people get disappointed,
which is disgusting,
we don't know what to look
at you.
When you disappoint a Chinese person,
they just like ohh you.
Like they just walked into a Smokey room
and they gotta clear it, just like.
See, that's Chinese people.
Japanese people and Japanese
people get disappointed.
They just want to know why.
They ask you a question.
When a Japanese person gets disappointed,
they're just like, hey.
Hey.
And that's it.
You didn't go to this point
of Korean person.
I wouldn't recommend that.
His Korean brother might fuck
you up, OK?
Or if you were intensely
right to fight,
but they're my favourite type of people
because
they're very emotionally honest.
A Korean person will let you know
when they're disappointed.
They're real guttural with it,
you know?
I mean, when you disappoint
a Korean person,
they're like, who?
See that?
But they're still very Asian,
so they're still real polite.
They'll thank you with that.
They're like Ohh Shiba.
I don't even speak Korean.
But I watched squid games.
Right.
Love that show.
See, that's great.
Representation #1 TV show
in the world, man.
And you spoke their native tongue.
That's representation right there, man.
Prada.
That's right.
That's right.
But I'm most proud of the fact
that I finally have an
easy Halloween costume.
Some of you guys don't understand
the struggle for an Asian guy
when it comes to Halloween.
Our outfits are limited.
I was Bruce Lee for six years.
But this last year,
I had
the best Halloween costume.
All I did I went to Amazon,
got like a matching like tracksuit
for three numbers on my
chest, and I found myself
an Indian friend.
It was such a great squid
game costume.
Somebody came up to me.
It's like, Oh my God, you look
just like the girl in squid games.
Ohh Shiva.
Dial.
I'm proud of all the representation
out there, man.
That's alright.
Have you guys seen
the show Silicon Valley?
Thank you.
Thank you.
That was my first big break, man.
I was so grateful
to be part of that show.
But that was a few years ago,
and I always felt like I was
only Asian person representing,
right?
I felt so much weight
on my shoulder.
Like every year
we got very lucky.
We'll get nominated for an Emmy,
so we get to go to a great ceremony.
But every year we knew
we're going to lose.
Because all the good shows
have front row seats.
You know, Veep Game
of Thrones are all here.
We're way the fuck
in the back by the exit sign.
But it's OK.
Win or lose, I was there
to represent.
I made sure I made my round,
say hi to everyone.
So they know there's Asian
presence, you know?
That's right.
So one year, one year
after we lost, everybody left.
I walked down the front row to say hi
to some of my favourite actors
and I saw someone.
I'm like, Oh my God, that's,
that's Amelia Clark.
That's Khaleesi.
That's Jon Snow over there,
you know?
And then there's Rachel Brosnahan.
Do you guys know who she is?
Yeah, I love her.
She plays the marvellous Miss Maisel.
Great show, right?
It's an awesome show.
And I did a movie with her
a few years ago.
So I decided to say hi.
I was like, Oh my God, Rachel,
it's so great to see you.
Congratulations on everything.
And she was like, ohh OK.
I'm like, OK, she probably
just forgot who I was.
I'm like, look, we did a movie
like six years ago
called Patriots Day.
You were awesome in that movie.
I just wanna congratulate you
on everything you've done so far.
And she was like, ohh yeah, sure.
And I'm like, ohh really?
Is the marvellous Miss Maisel
a bitch?
But I wasn't gonna act
out of pocket.
I was there to represent.
So I was very nice.
I was just like, ohh, it's OK.
You just don't remember.
Anyways, I just want to congratulate you
for all the nominations
on marvellous Miss Maisel.
You're awesome.
And she was like, ohh,
I'm not Rachel Brosnahan.
I'm Evan Rachel Wood
from Westworld.
And I was like, holy shit.
I'm the racist person here.
I think all white people
look alike.
Everybody in the front row
was judging me.
Johnstone was staring me down.
I'm like, you're bastard.
You can't even stand.
And I didn't know what to do, right?
I was profusely sweating,
my face was flushed red,
and so I was just like, Oh my God,
I am so sorry.
But either way,
it's so nice to meet you.
My name is Aquafina.
And then I just.
That's right.
That's why it's good to have
other representation out there.
Asian people, we don't all look alike
until we need to.
I got a girlfriend now.
Thank you.
I love her very much, man.
She's an amazing person.
She's very successful.
My girlfriend's a venture capitalist.
Yeah, fucking jackpot, right?
You know.
It's great.
It's great for you guys.
I don't know what a venture
capital means.
It means that I'm the poorest
person she knows.
And what that really means
is I'm her sugar baby.
So it's great.
That's right.
That's right.
Gender equality.
Equality talking about.
It's time for men
to get taken care of.
That's right.
See that brother High fiving is go.
Appreciate you, man.
Fellow sugar baby.
Come on.
That's right.
That's right.
I love her, man.
I'm trying to.
I'm trying to be
a better boyfriend.
I'm new to this.
Like, boyfriend stuff, right.
I used to take everything
so personally.
Like, every time we'll get into a fight,
I'm like, hey, why are you why
are you mad at
me?
I'm the perfect boyfriend.
Wrong answer.
Fellas, fellas,
if your girl's mad at you,
you can't take that shit personally
because
it's not even about you.
She doesn't even know
what she's mad about.
You just happen to be there,
you know what I mean?
You're a victim
of circumstance, man.
So it's not your job
to engage in an argument,
it's your job to diffuse the situation.
You gotta jiu jitsu that shit.
Until you get to the bottom
of the real problem.
Like the other way she was mad
at me about some.
She was like, babe, I feel like we don't
even like go on date nights anymore.
I'm like OK.
I hear you.
But what's really going on?
And she was like, well, sometimes
I feel like you're like
hanging out your buddies
more
than you, like, hang out with me
and I'm like, OK.
I hear you.
But what's really going on?
Unless she takes a deep breath.
And she was like.
Remember last week of my birthday?
Heather brought a cousin
and she didn't know my name.
I was like, see,
that's your problem right there.
You gonna do with me?
Heather Cousins,
a bitch, you know.
Fuck her, man.
Let's focus on energy on her.
Trying to be a better communicator,
man, my girl always wants me
to talk about my feelings.
She's like, Babe, I wish you'd talk
about your feelings more.
I'm like, I feel fine.
What more do you want me to say?
I don't know.
I'm not that emotionally involved.
I don't know what else.
I'm fine.
But don't keep asking me that,
cause the fifth time you asked me
that I might not be
fun.
The fifth time?
He asked me.
That's just some dark shit
that's gonna come out.
It's like babe,
how are you feeling?
I don't know.
I'm angry all the time
because my dad yelled at me
after ping pong practise.
See, guys and girls
were just different, Man.
Girls are so emotionally evolved.
You know, we even
hang out different.
One night I came home early.
My girl was having
a girls night at the house.
I've never seen anything like that.
The TV was off.
7 girls sitting in a circle.
Making direct eye contact
with each other.
Every candle in the house was lit.
And I walked by.
I'm like, what is this witchcraft?
And I just backed
into my own room.
Fellas, we hang out.
Different guys, when we hang out,
we sit in a straight line.
TV on Full blast Zero eye
contact with each other.
My girl came home early.
She was so confused.
She's like, babe, you guys
didn't talk for like 6 hours.
I'm like, yeah, isn't
that fucking awesome?
That's us.
That's guys.
When the relationship is important
to speak the same language,
my girl asked me.
She was like, babe,
what's your love language?
I'm like what?
I was raised by Asian parents.
I've never heard one word
of affirmation of my life.
Nobody ever told me.
They're like, don't fuck it up.
Their love language
is verbal abuse.
Trying to figure out
my love languages.
Physical touch, right?
Nobody touched me until I was 22.
I'm not familiar with that.
What are some other love languages?
Active Sir
well.
I like, I like every woman
just screaming out at their partner,
active service.
Gift giving.
I think gift giving
is a good one.
OK?
I love giving gifts to my girl.
She loves giving gifts to me.
We love that, right?
Like for example,
I love buying my girl's shoes.
She loves shoes and we wear
the same shoe size.
The perfect gift for the whole family,
you know, I mean.
These are her shoes tonight.
You know it's me.
Perfect.
That's right.
And in return, I let her wear
all of my Jordans.
Yeah guys, you guys know
that's love cause Jordans too.
Guys, that's our most
prized possession.
If we let you slip into our Jordans,
that's like you letting us slip
in to you, you know?
Same thing.
But sometimes, Sometimes
I get a little nervous
because her feet are a little dirty,
OK.
And she's a white girl,
so her feet extra dirty,
like, you know, I mean, like,
I don't
know.
Wipe you?
I don't know what the fuck
you guys do your feet all day.
You guys just barefoot all the time,
frolicking around like Jenny
from Forrest Gump,
you know?
Why people?
You guys got some strong ass feet, man.
Just 120 degrees
outside hot cement, just like.
Y'all got some hunter
gatherer feet.
See, every culture,
we got different feet etiquette, alright?
Why people want to get in touch
with Mother Earth.
That's great.
Black people, on the other hand,
I live with a black roommate
for six years.
Never saw his toes once.
He came out the shower
with socks on, man.
You got a sock draw
on there, brother?
Asian people, you guys know the rule
When you come into the house,
you take your shoes
off, right?
You're like, well, know that, Yeah.
Yeah.
But but our feet actually
never touched the floor.
Because when you take a
shoes off at the house,
we've got two pair of house shoes ready
for you.
And then when you walk outside,
we got two pair of Crocs ready for you.
And then when you come
back in the bedroom,
we got two other pair
of slippers that we
stole from a hotel in Vegas.
We're ready.
Our feet never touched the floor.
We got baby sore feet.
I think Asian people
almost natural love.
Language is acts
of service, right?
That's what our parents
did to us.
They might never say I love you,
but they did a lot of nice things for us.
Every every night.
I don't care how busy my parents were,
they'll come home
and make a 5 course meal.
That's love right there, right?
Yeah.
Give it up for.
Yeah, give it up.
That's right.
In our culture, food is love.
I love cooking for my girl.
We love cooking together.
Food is love.
That's why I hate watching
all these reality cooking shows
when they make food so freaking
stressful.
Like all these guys
will aggressive tattoos
and they just sweating it
in the kitchen.
They're like, yes, chef,
yes, chef, 2 minutes, 2 minutes.
It's still wrong.
It's still wrong and he's
just making fucking scallops.
There's two items on the menu
and they can't handle that shit.
You go to any Chinese restaurant,
there's about 485 items
on the menu.
And there's one dude
back there in the kitchen.
He's not a chef.
He's somebody's uncle
from Hong Kong.
And he knows how to make everything
in under 30 seconds.
That guy's the real hero,
you know what I mean?
He got a yellow wife beater
that he brought from the old country.
Just chilling near the walk,
Cigarette in his mouth, just like.
That guy's a gangster, man.
And he just presses casually
and Cantonese, just like.
Do you?
Any of you guys speak Cantonese here?
Couple of you guys.
I was born in Hong Kong.
That's my first language.
I love that language, right?
I think it's the most
fun language to speak
because it's the most fun language
to cuss
in.
In Cantonese you can,
just like Loki, casually cuss
like you go to Chinatown.
You see like a nice old
man walk by.
He would just be like ohh deal.
Right, That sounds really nice, right?
But what he actually said was like,
ohh, fuck your mother,
hope your whole family dies.
That's Kathy's, man.
You gotta love it.
You gotta love it, man.
In a relationship, I think it's important
to know how you convey love,
but it's just
as important to know
how you receive love.
You gotta be vulnerable
and let your partner
do nice things for you.
See, I'm not very good at that.
I I'm terrible at, like directly asking
for things that I want.
So instead I just drop little hints.
That's called being passive aggressive.
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
Like, for example, I love watching
these YouTube videos
of Japanese housewives making
Bento boxes.
It's very nice, very cute.
It's like a little ASMR, you know?
It's just really nice.
Japanese woman wakes up
at 6:00 AM every day
to make her working husband
a Bento box.
But I can't ask my
venture capitalist golfer
to maybe a Bento box.
I'm not an idiot.
I'm a sugar baby.
I know my role.
So instead of asking it directly,
I just dropped little hints.
Like we'll be sitting
on the couch together.
I just pull on my phone
and pretend I accidentally
stumbled onto this video.
I'm like ohh what is this Ben tool boxes?
Oh my God it's so cute.
What is that?
Like a rice ball shape?
Like a panda?
Look, look look look.
Wow.
So she makes this every day for him.
Wow, she must love him so much.
I thought I was being slick.
Until she came out
to one of my shows.
As you heard this joke.
And she was really upset, man.
And rightfully so.
I was just up here
talking shit, right?
We went home.
We got into a big 5.
She was like, babe,
that's bullshit, OK?
But want me do something?
Just ask me directly.
And you really want somebody
to make you Bento boxes?
Why don't you just go find
a Japanese woman?
I'm like, babe, I'm, I'm,
I'm sorry you feel that way.
OK.
But I think you're missing
the point.
You don't have to be Japanese
to make Bento boxes.
That's right.
That's right.
So now I'm making
our mental boxes everyday.
How I show my love.
You gotta love the people around you,
gotta be nice to the people around you,
your partner,
your family, your friends.
You gotta keep the day
ones around, man.
You know everybody,
when I was coming up in the game,
they gave me this advice.
They're like, hey Jimmy,
you wanna be successful,
hang out with successful people
because
birds of a feather flock together.
That's right, man.
That's right.
You guys heard this before, right?
It's fucking bullshit, OK?
Successful people
are so boring.
I hung out successful people,
they got successful job,
they got successful family.
They don't have time to hang out
with mediocre ass.
So my real advice to everyone
is to find yourself more loser friends.
That's right.
That's right.
That's right.
I see some of you guys clapping
the ones that are not you.
Probably the loser friend,
which is fine.
I love you.
I love you.
I love all my friends, man.
All my day.
Once I used to live in a one bedroom
apartment with three comedians.
Yeah, ain't nothing
wrong with that.
I was proud of that.
It was all good.
They still my close friends,
One of my best friends.
His name is Guam.
Guam Felix.
Yeah, he's a comedian.
He's named after the island
he was born on.
Guam, like, you know, you kind of hood
when you named after the island
you were born
on.
Like if I came out tonight
and they introduced me
as Hong Kong Jimmy.
I'll probably be selling drugs
outside, you know, I mean.
But was one of my greatest friends,
man.
He's just a good dude.
Just happy go around guy, you know,
he trashed in my living room
for months and I asked
him like, hey Guam,
you got any plans?
You gonna go get
a job or something?
He was like, Nah, thi
I'm gonna get on that government
disability, homie.
And I'm like, OK,
are you disabled?
He was like, yeah,
I think so dog.
I threw out my back
when I was 19, homie.
I'm like, OK,
you're 42 right now.
I don't think that's gonna
work out for you.
See, Guam is great.
He lives by the Creed where anything
good that happens to him,
he makes sure that thank
God, right?
That's great.
And anything bad that happens to him,
he makes sure to blame the government.
It's a great way to live
that when you take 0
personal responsibility.
Like he'll say, shit like ohh damn,
they gave me a speeding ticket
and took away my licence
style.
You see, that's how
the government fucks you.
I'm like, no, I'm pretty sure
that's how you fuck yourself.
And then on the positive side
he'll say things like
I just wanna thank God cause
he let
me stay with you dog.
I'm like, no, you thank me,
motherfucker.
I let you stay with me.
My love Guan man.
He is a happy go lucky guy,
doesn't have a lot
of ambition in life.
His dream in life
is to win the lottery.
His catch phrase is when I win
the lottery, die.
But he doesn't have good goals
for when he does win the lottery,
because he will say
shit like when I win
the lottery.
We're going to the buffet, though.
I'm like, why we do
that right now, bro?
But Guan was a man of his word.
Not only would he buy lottery tickets,
he stood in line
in every single game show in
LA to try to win his lottery
and he finally got on this game show
called Let's Make a
Deal.
Have you guys seen that?
Yes, the show that comes
on hosted by Wayne Brady
before The Price Is Right.
But in order to get on that show,
you have to wear a costume.
And Guam is like a big
Pacific Islander brother,
so it's costume options were limited.
He could either be Moana.
Or the Rock, you know.
So he decided to make
his own costume.
He cut up a blue bed sheet,
draped it over his body,
and then he got a Chinese rice Patty
hat.
And he just wore it.
I'm like, God, what the fuck?
What are you dressed up as,
Ho Chi Minh or some shit?
And he was like, no dog.
I'm master rating for
Mortal Kombat, homie.
This is a true story,
he went on national TV,
dressed up as masqueraded.
And this is actually
an inspirational story.
He actually won.
Yeah.
He won the Big Deal
of the Day.
It was a $5000 living room set.
Which was perfect
for my living room.
But he dreamed big.
He want to win
as big prize.
So he traded it in for the
Super deal of the week
and I'm like this fucking idiot.
He traded it in for one
out of three chance
to win $50,000 cash,
one of the biggest prizes
on the show ever.
And he won.
That was his watering.
His dream came true.
I was watching TV.
It's the most magical moment.
Money start falling down
on his rice Paddy hat
and he was so happy.
He started doing jumping jacks and shit
and start swimming in the pool of money.
And I was watching.
I'm like, I knew this motherfucker
is not disabled.
Look it up.
He's very capable.
They start crying on national TV.
He was so happy.
And Wayne Brady was like,
go on, congratulations.
What are you gonna do
with that $50,000?
And he was like,
we got through the buffet dog.
Right.
That's a good friend, man.
That's why you keep
your friends around.
He went from the biggest loser
I knew to the biggest winner I know.
Took care of all his boys,
took us to a lot of buffets.
He even took us to the
fanciest restaurant he knew,
Buca de Beppo.
It was awesome.
He was Pauling, but that money
didn't last long.
That 50 grand last about three months.
And not only that,
he didn't pay any taxes on it.
So now you also IRS another 20
on top of that shit.
And I'm like, going this is horrible.
You worse off than you ever were.
And all he said to me was like, see,
that's how the government fucks you, dog.
OK.
Keep your close friends around
and save you money people.
That's only like watching
real people game shows.
I hate watching Celebrity Family Feud
because they always make
the celebrity choose a
charity and donate money.
I'm like, some of us
want to keep our money, man.
And look, I know I sound
like a bad person, OK?
But I love helping people.
I love the concept
of donating money.
I just can't do it.
I want to.
But my mom wouldn't let me.
Every time I've been
just think about those,
any money she comes out of nowhere.
She's like who?
Who are you donating to?
I'm like Mom.
I don't know, like Save
the Children Foundation.
She's like, you don't even know
those children.
Children can be horrible.
OK, fine mom, I'll donate
to help the hospitals like feet
of hospital.com
to help out
all the nurses and doctors
and she said OK Jimmy, OK.
The doctors make more money than you.
They should donate to you OK?
They make a West Side feet
of comedian.com right now.
She just killed trips me,
you know?
You donate to anyone.
You donate to me.
I give a birth to you, OK?
Can you imagine?
I'm on Family Feud?
Steve's like Jimmy.
What charity are you playing for?
Feetofcomedian.com.
All proceeds go to my mom.
My mom's so tight with my money
she wouldn't even let me
buy her something nice.
For last birthday,
I bought a nice iPad.
Brand new iPad.
I thought I was a good Asian son, right?
And my mom was like, ohh no,
it's too expensive.
I'm like mom, it's OK.
We're gonna afford it.
Just just enjoy the iPad.
She was like, no, Jimmy,
I please return it.
Return it and just give me the cash.
We're practical.
About the bottom line.
See, we live in a very
frivolous society, man.
Everybody loves to brag
about how much shit they have,
how much money they make.
We all brag.
We are guilty of this.
We all just do it
in subtle different ways.
Like white people for example.
White people never brag
about how much money they got.
They always just brag
about how expensive their life is.
Like Ohh, Joey
just started private school.
It's so expensive.
And our remodel
is totally going over budget.
Ohh and you wouldn't believe
how much money
we spent going to Fiji.
I'm like, OK, Katie,
I see your life, OK?
It's a luxury.
It's good for you, OK?
Black people, on the other hand,
a lot more straightforward.
Black people just tell you exactly
how much money they spent on something.
It's great.
You guys seen it like my black friends
or even like rappers, right?
They love to brag.
They're like this call 80,000.
My momma's house 500,000.
This chain $1,000,000 Man.
I'm like, OK, you clearly don't have
your priorities straight.
Appreciate the honesty.
People love to brag
about how much money they spend.
Asian people, on the other hand,
we do the exact opposite.
We love to brag
about how little money
we spent on some shit.
Because the art is in the savings,
you never pay full price.
Like my mom, her catch phrase
is guess how much.
That's how much?
Yeah, that's what people.
You guys haven't played.
Guess how much my mom will come home
with something new, like a watch.
She'll be like Jimmy.
Jimmy.
Guess how much?
Guess how much I'm like Mom.
I don't know.
It's a very nice watch,
like $5000.
And she was like, no.
It's $200.00.
Jimmy my horse, My horse,
this horse.
Guess how much?
Guess how much?
Like mom, I don't know,
you live in a very nice house,
Like $1,000,000.
She was like no.
It's half off.
Someone died in it.
And if you know the rules of the game,
you always gets high,
so you make the other person
feel good about their purchases.
Never guess too low.
You ever guessed too low.
That's the ultimate insult
to an Asian person, OK?
One time my mom came home
with some new shoes.
I guess too low.
I've never seen her
so disappointed in me.
She was like Jimmy.
Jimmy, yeah.
Guess how much?
Guess how much I'm like mom.
I don't know, Very nice shoes
like $200.00.
She was like ohh.
Do you even know about shoes?
These are $500.00 Jimmy Choos.
OK, better Jimmy than you.
That's how we prank people.
You gotta love it, man.
I used to be embarrassed
about all these things.
I thought my mom was cheap.
She spoke with an accent.
She made me Chinese food.
But when I got older,
I realised it's all those things
that made me different
is what
makes me interesting.
Now the tightest turn, man,
everybody wanna be more Asian,
I'm telling you.
Yeah, that's right.
Everybody wanna be BTS.
Everybody wanna eat shallow bowl?
And every parent I know
is trying to send their kid
to Chinese immersion school.
Just in case we'll take over this shit,
you know, I mean.
Gotta be proud, man.
You gotta be proud
of how you grew up.
Gotta be proud
of your parents, right?
I'm a good Asian kid.
I'm great to my parents.
I'll never, ever disrespect them.
In front of him,
you know, I mean like.
I want to give you guys
a quick update on my dad.
Yep.
Richard Ohh Yang.
Yeah, the superstar
in the family.
Yeah.
Talk about it.
My last special He became
an actor, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Not because he loves the art.
It's because it's so easy.
You can do it.
I.
But now he's doing great.
He's very successful.
OK, he got his whole life
turned around.
You got out of retirement.
He's a full time actor now and now
he wants to be an influencer.
He just started his own IG account,
which is just a nightmare.
Because old people,
I feel like they mean well.
OK like my dad he means well
but it just doesn't know how it works.
Like his first post on Instagram
is a very nice post.
A beautiful picture of the sky,
palm trees, birds flying by.
I'm like ohh this is nice.
And then Scroll down to the caption
and he wrote All Lives matter.
I'm like that.
What the fuck man like?
You don't even know
what that means.
Why would you write that?
It was like, I know my life will matter,
your life will matter,
the person life will
matter, OK?
Or life will matter.
I'm like, that is not what it means.
I made him put his account
on private, right?
Just like a good Tiger parent would.
Because we know the
rules that young people
will see through the scams
of Instagram,
right?
Like for example I follow sports centre,
I understand the 1st 100 comments
are all bots,
they're all fake right?
Because there's always some IG booty model
saying some stupid shit like ohh,
I want something
long and hard.
This is obviously a scam,
so one time I clicked on it.
Just to see what's going on,
you know, I mean, research.
I just want to see.
I just want to get
to the bottom of it.
So I clicked on it.
I was like, ohh this
is obviously a scam.
It's this girl,
she's following 7000 people
but she only has one follower
and I clicked
on one follows my dad.
He's like, my life will matter.
Her life matters too, OK?
My dad, just from
a different generation.
He is like a weird beauty standard.
Like for us we just say things
on very surface level.
Just like, ohh, this person's attractive,
this person's not right.
My dad would get
into the weeds.
My dad will give you
all the weird details.
He'll be like, ohh,
she's beautiful.
Very long arms.
I'm like, what are you recruiting
for a linebacker?
What are you talking about?
I can never get a pulse on who he thinks
is attractive or not, right?
One time I'm like dad Ohh,
she's really good looking
and my dad was like, no.
Her mouth too close
to her nose.
She can't breathe.
She can't breathe.
I see some of you guys
looking your partners like it.
Is my nose too close?
And that's exactly what
an Asian parent does to you.
You know, make yourself conscious
about shit you didn't know about.
I was very nervous
to introduce my girlfriend to my dad
because she's absolutely beautiful,
but who knows if her wingspan
is long enough for his life?
I was so nervous man,
the first time I brought my girlfriend
to my dad's house
and to
his credit, I want to give him credit.
He actually didn't say anything crazy
because for some reason
when an old Chinese person
sees white people.
They just start acting, right?
Like his posture,
Changes stood upright
and for some reason
he just came up with a British
accent.
Like me and my girlfriend
walked in the house.
He didn't say anything crazy,
he just looked at us.
He was like, ohh.
Prosperous young couple.
And my girlfriend was so confused.
It's like, why does your dad sound
like Helen Mirren?
And I start saying all these nice things
about my girl.
I'm like, ohh dad, you know?
Yeah, she's she's very successful,
but she's also very nice.
And her family,
they're just great people.
And like, that was like good.
All lives matter.
I love my dad, man.
I love my dad.
He's a great dad.
He's a funny guy, you know.
And we did a lot of father
and son bonding growing up.
Like, for example,
I'm a big basketball fan.
I love watching the NBA.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Actually, I grew up
a Los Angeles Clippers fan.
Yeah.
Because my dad was cheap.
Because the Lakers and the Clippers
playing the same stadium,
but the Clippers tickets
were half price.
So my dad's, like,
never pay full price.
That wasn't even the most
embarrassing part.
The most embarrassing part
was when we exited the stadium
when we exited Staples Centre.
There'll be hot dogs St vendors
out there, right?
Latino brothers selling bacon
wrapped hot dogs for $5.
I love those things and my dad
would go up and haggle with them.
He'll go and be like, OK,
I give you $5 for two hot dogs.
I'm like that.
It's not buy one,
get one free at Costco,
just give him 10 bucks.
It was like.
Never pay full price.
OK, I'll give you $8
for two hot dogs final offer
and the guy didn't cares like no,
it's
$10.
And then my dad is a strategy.
He just announces
in front of everyone.
Make sure everyone hears him.
He's like OK.
We walk away.
And like that.
I don't care it.
If you walk away,
don't walk away.
He's like Jimmy.
It's better to be hungry
than to pay full price.
And then my mom comes up behind us
with four hot dogs.
And she was like, guess how much?
Thank you guys.
You guys are amazing.
I love you guys.
I'm on my.
You haven't done.
Show me respect.
Give your bitchass soda,
you bitch.
I'm wearing Designer Forever 21.
Playing with you.
I'm on my.
Look at you, beautiful people.
Oh my God.
No good, you guys.
It's good to be back.
It's good to be back seeing
all your beautiful faces.
Give it up for yourselves,
man, for being here tonight.
Thank you.
I love you guys.
Appreciate you guys and Asian people,
where we had Asian people.
Look at you guys.
This is great.
I'm so proud of my Asian people.
There's so much excellence
out there going on
a lot of people representing.
It's never been a better time
to be Asian.
I say this every year, I know.
But truly, this is our time.
I mean, come on, we got BTS now,
come on, that's us.
That's all people.
They're doing it.
I'm so proud of them.
Biggest band in the world,
probably ever since the Backstreet Boys,
and they don't have
to speak English.
I love my PTS, man.
Even white people know PTS.
Now.
That's progress.
That's progress.
Out of 15 year old white kid
come up to me
trying to explain to me
the different members
of BTS.
He was like, ohh,
this is Joan Cook.
He's kind of like the lead singer
and that's Jim and he's really cool.
And he also raps, I'm like, dude,
they look the same to me.
I didn't want to say I couldn't say
it as an Asian person,
but they all just look like
me.
With pink hair.
I can turn the whole show
to a BTS concert right now.
Alright.
Yeah, this is this is Jimmy.
This is Jimmy right here.
You don't know.
You have the, you know.
You don't know smoke like.
But no, I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not gonna.
I'm not.
I'm not good at that.
I love my people, man.
I love BTS.
You guys probably heard in the news
they gotta go to mandatory
Korean army, right?
The most popular people in the world,
they gotta go sign up for Korean military.
That's some gangster shit.
Imagine how scared you'll be
when you encounter PTS
on the battlefield.
You're in battle.
You already kind of shook.
You had a field of grass
and a little puff of pink hair
just pops up.
Be like, yo, what the fuck
was that?
Is that a Unicorn?
And then six more pink hair pop up.
Feel like we're surrounded.
And the last thing
you see is just this.
That's some gangster shit.
I'm proud of my people, man.
I'm proud of my people.
You know, A lot of great
representation out there.
I see some of you guys
still wearing a mask.
I still wear my mask.
No shame in that, right?
It's all good.
It's all good.
I wear my mask not because
I think I'm gonna get sick,
but because I just want to talk
to anybody anymore.
But I'm still surprised
when people come up to me,
they're like, Oh my God Jimmy,
I'm
like how did you know?
How did you know?
How many other Asian guys
did you go up to?
Before it happened to me, me.
You don't know.
You don't know.
Underneath this mask.
I could be Aquafina.
You don't know.
And look, I'm not saying that all Asian
people look alike, OK?
I'm just saying that me
and Aquafina look alike.
And we both look like
we should be in BTS.
Love all the representation
out there, man.
But it's not just celebrities.
I'm very proud of that.
Everyday people out there representing.
That's the important part.
You know what I mean?
Ohh.
No no.
I'm very happy for this
one particular person.
I'm really happy for that old Chinese lady
in Chinatown
who's been wearing a mask since
1995.
Her life just suddenly made sense.
Before the mask mandate,
everybody looked at us like, ohh,
why is she wearing a mask
that's so random?
She's not random.
She's a fucking trailblazer, OK?
She started wearing a mask.
Now everybody has to wear a mask.
She's like the Kendall Jenner
of Chinatown.
She must have been so happy
when this mask mandate happened.
Just laughing at everyone.
It's like, look at you idiots.
I told you to put on a mask.
No, the CDC follows me.
She's prepared.
She didn't just have a mask.
She had gloves on
from when she's driving.
She had the full face shield
that comes down looking like Daft Punk.
That's my girl right there, man.
Asian people were ready
for this shit.
Social distancing.
We've been doing that for centuries.
Well, I got that.
Hugging and touching and all that.
You know, when we see each other,
just a nice bound, that is.
That is socially distanced,
and if you're really Asian,
you ever see two really Asian
people, It turns into a bowling contest
to see who's more respectful.
To see what can bow lower
and a more way from each other
until you just fold it in half
and you go home.
That social distancing people.
That's right.
That's right.
But the pandemic has taught us anything.
It's everybody should be
a little more Asian.
A lot of people in this country,
Americans, you know,
like we're not ready for this.
All the rules.
We're rebels, man.
We don't like falling rules.
People are like freaking out.
They're like mess, man.
They no.
I'm like, dude,
it's just a mask.
Just put on a mask.
They're like, it's not just a mask,
it's the government.
Yeah, it's the government
fear mongering.
I'm like, what is that?
They're like, yeah,
it's fear mongering.
They want you to be scared
of everything.
So you're obedient and you're scared
and you follow the rules.
I'm like, ohh,
that's called fear mongering.
Then my mom must have invented
fear mongering.
Ohh.
I didn't know that's
what it's called.
Ever since I was five years old,
my mom had me believe
that anything I do would make
me sick.
You go outside without a jacket,
you get the flu.
You go to bed with the fan
on pneumonia.
God forbid you fall asleep
with wet hair.
You don't wake up.
That's it.
You're dead.
That's it.
You're dead.
That's fear mongering man.
I'm not scared of anything anymore.
I don't think I have
any fear anymore.
I used to watch that show.
Fear Factor.
You guys remember that show?
Yeah.
Joe Rogan hosted Fear Factor
to make it face your fears.
Like jump off a helicopter, eat crazy shit
like pig intestines and century egg.
I ate that shit for breakfast.
This is nothing to me.
Fear is not a factor.
I do remember when I was like
10 years old little boy,
I was very scared because there
was one kid, pretty sad story in my class,
had childhood leukaemia
and they lost all
his hair to chemo
and everything looking real frail.
And I was really scared.
I was like, Oh my God,
is he going to be OK?
And my mom,
she's a great mother.
She saw how scared I was,
so she came up to console me.
She was like Jimmy.
Jamia.
You see?
This is what happens when you play
too much video games.
That's fearmongering, OK?
I never played a game
of FIFA after that.
My mom was like
the original fake news.
It's good to see everyone here, man.
I think collectively as people,
we all been through a lot
in the last few years, man.
And we made it out.
We made it out.
We're better for it, you know,
I feel like I'm mentally aged
like 20 years.
Like the first day I walked outside,
for some reason I just walked out
like an old Chinese
man.
I just came out
of my house like this.
I was wearing flip flops and a puffer vest
by Alpha made no sense.
My feet were cold chest sweat.
My posture look like shit,
but I'm still judging everyone.
I'm just saying.
I'm an old man now.
I don't even like going
outside anymore.
All my friends,
they back to normal, right?
They're like, ohh, Jimmy,
you wanna go to Coachella?
I'm like, Nah, no seats.
Ohh.
Gonna look fine to me.
Six hours standing
in the desert?
Fuck that.
You see all these kids,
like with the Instagram post,
you know, it's always like people
just like jumping around, dancing,
and then all these buff dudes
got like girls on his
shoulder.
I'm like, dude,
you not going to the concert?
You're doing CrossFit.
How's that for?
The only concert I've been
to this year?
I took my girlfriend to
a Don McLean concert.
Yeah.
You guys know who that is?
Yeah.
Couple people, thank you.
Thank you.
Tom McLean for you guys
that don't know saying the song.
Bye bye Miss American Pie.
Yeah, he's all that shit, dude.
He's 77 years old,
and so was his audience.
It was my favourite concert
I ever been to.
On a ticket it says show started at 8,
start at 7:59.
He never had an opener,
you know.
He just came on stage with a guitar
and started singing.
It was awesome.
Nobody stood up to, like,
obstruct my view
because frankly,
everyone had a bad hip.
It's great.
Still got home in time
to watch the 10:00 o'clock Evening News.
That's my kind of evening,
you know what I mean?
I don't like going outside anymore.
Too many crazy people,
too many weirdos.
One time I went to this dive bar
in a military town, San Diego.
Big military town.
I love my military, OK?
But I think sometimes, Yeah, yeah,
but I think sometimes.
Military people get
a little too passionate.
You know, thank you, thank you.
Exactly my point right there.
Thank you.
I love Milton,
but they're just too passionate.
Like I was at a dive bar,
this one military brother came up to me
who just like hey man.
I wanna buy your drink.
I'm like, no, no thank you.
I can.
I can buy my own drink.
Thank you.
There's like, no.
I wanna buy you a drink.
So at this point I thought either
he wanted to take a selfie
or he wanted to fuck me.
So I'm like, no Sir,
I think I can buy my own drink
and they start telling me
his whole
life story.
He's like, you don't understand.
I wanna buy you shrink.
Because our station in Okinawa 4 years.
And you guys have been nothing
but nice to me.
I'm like you guys.
You guys.
Okinawa is in Japan.
I'm Chinese, Sir.
It is like it doesn't matter, man.
It doesn't even matter.
I'm like, Sir, I think
it does matter, right?
I'm pretty sure the only reason
you were stationed in Japan
was to keep an eye out on
Chinese people like me.
It does matter.
He was like, it doesn't matter, man,
I still love pad Thai, OK?
Maybe that got run into BTS
on his next tour, Who knows.
My point of saying all of this
is Asian people,
we don't all look alike.
We don't all sound alike.
You know we don't,
we don't do anything alike.
We just people, you know, right.
Like everybody's different.
Thank you, white lady.
Thank you.
Thank you.
One white lady.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
Teachers.
Magnet school down the street,
a lot of Asian students.
So tonight I want to offer you guys
an advanced lesson.
On how to tell Asian people apart.
OK,
yeah, that's right.
I'm so good at telling Asian people apart,
I don't even need to look at you.
I can't tell you what
kind of Asian somebody
is by the sound they make
when they disappointed.
Because disappointment
is our strongest emotion.
Whenever you get disappointed,
our ancestor just comes out
and you can't hide that,
you
know.
Like, for example,
I'm Chinese.
I know Chinese people
very well, OK?
When Chinese people get disappointed,
which is disgusting,
we don't know what to look
at you.
When you disappoint a Chinese person,
they just like ohh you.
Like they just walked into a Smokey room
and they gotta clear it, just like.
See, that's Chinese people.
Japanese people and Japanese
people get disappointed.
They just want to know why.
They ask you a question.
When a Japanese person gets disappointed,
they're just like, hey.
Hey.
And that's it.
You didn't go to this point
of Korean person.
I wouldn't recommend that.
His Korean brother might fuck
you up, OK?
Or if you were intensely
right to fight,
but they're my favourite type of people
because
they're very emotionally honest.
A Korean person will let you know
when they're disappointed.
They're real guttural with it,
you know?
I mean, when you disappoint
a Korean person,
they're like, who?
See that?
But they're still very Asian,
so they're still real polite.
They'll thank you with that.
They're like Ohh Shiba.
I don't even speak Korean.
But I watched squid games.
Right.
Love that show.
See, that's great.
Representation #1 TV show
in the world, man.
And you spoke their native tongue.
That's representation right there, man.
Prada.
That's right.
That's right.
But I'm most proud of the fact
that I finally have an
easy Halloween costume.
Some of you guys don't understand
the struggle for an Asian guy
when it comes to Halloween.
Our outfits are limited.
I was Bruce Lee for six years.
But this last year,
I had
the best Halloween costume.
All I did I went to Amazon,
got like a matching like tracksuit
for three numbers on my
chest, and I found myself
an Indian friend.
It was such a great squid
game costume.
Somebody came up to me.
It's like, Oh my God, you look
just like the girl in squid games.
Ohh Shiva.
Dial.
I'm proud of all the representation
out there, man.
That's alright.
Have you guys seen
the show Silicon Valley?
Thank you.
Thank you.
That was my first big break, man.
I was so grateful
to be part of that show.
But that was a few years ago,
and I always felt like I was
only Asian person representing,
right?
I felt so much weight
on my shoulder.
Like every year
we got very lucky.
We'll get nominated for an Emmy,
so we get to go to a great ceremony.
But every year we knew
we're going to lose.
Because all the good shows
have front row seats.
You know, Veep Game
of Thrones are all here.
We're way the fuck
in the back by the exit sign.
But it's OK.
Win or lose, I was there
to represent.
I made sure I made my round,
say hi to everyone.
So they know there's Asian
presence, you know?
That's right.
So one year, one year
after we lost, everybody left.
I walked down the front row to say hi
to some of my favourite actors
and I saw someone.
I'm like, Oh my God, that's,
that's Amelia Clark.
That's Khaleesi.
That's Jon Snow over there,
you know?
And then there's Rachel Brosnahan.
Do you guys know who she is?
Yeah, I love her.
She plays the marvellous Miss Maisel.
Great show, right?
It's an awesome show.
And I did a movie with her
a few years ago.
So I decided to say hi.
I was like, Oh my God, Rachel,
it's so great to see you.
Congratulations on everything.
And she was like, ohh OK.
I'm like, OK, she probably
just forgot who I was.
I'm like, look, we did a movie
like six years ago
called Patriots Day.
You were awesome in that movie.
I just wanna congratulate you
on everything you've done so far.
And she was like, ohh yeah, sure.
And I'm like, ohh really?
Is the marvellous Miss Maisel
a bitch?
But I wasn't gonna act
out of pocket.
I was there to represent.
So I was very nice.
I was just like, ohh, it's OK.
You just don't remember.
Anyways, I just want to congratulate you
for all the nominations
on marvellous Miss Maisel.
You're awesome.
And she was like, ohh,
I'm not Rachel Brosnahan.
I'm Evan Rachel Wood
from Westworld.
And I was like, holy shit.
I'm the racist person here.
I think all white people
look alike.
Everybody in the front row
was judging me.
Johnstone was staring me down.
I'm like, you're bastard.
You can't even stand.
And I didn't know what to do, right?
I was profusely sweating,
my face was flushed red,
and so I was just like, Oh my God,
I am so sorry.
But either way,
it's so nice to meet you.
My name is Aquafina.
And then I just.
That's right.
That's why it's good to have
other representation out there.
Asian people, we don't all look alike
until we need to.
I got a girlfriend now.
Thank you.
I love her very much, man.
She's an amazing person.
She's very successful.
My girlfriend's a venture capitalist.
Yeah, fucking jackpot, right?
You know.
It's great.
It's great for you guys.
I don't know what a venture
capital means.
It means that I'm the poorest
person she knows.
And what that really means
is I'm her sugar baby.
So it's great.
That's right.
That's right.
Gender equality.
Equality talking about.
It's time for men
to get taken care of.
That's right.
See that brother High fiving is go.
Appreciate you, man.
Fellow sugar baby.
Come on.
That's right.
That's right.
I love her, man.
I'm trying to.
I'm trying to be
a better boyfriend.
I'm new to this.
Like, boyfriend stuff, right.
I used to take everything
so personally.
Like, every time we'll get into a fight,
I'm like, hey, why are you why
are you mad at
me?
I'm the perfect boyfriend.
Wrong answer.
Fellas, fellas,
if your girl's mad at you,
you can't take that shit personally
because
it's not even about you.
She doesn't even know
what she's mad about.
You just happen to be there,
you know what I mean?
You're a victim
of circumstance, man.
So it's not your job
to engage in an argument,
it's your job to diffuse the situation.
You gotta jiu jitsu that shit.
Until you get to the bottom
of the real problem.
Like the other way she was mad
at me about some.
She was like, babe, I feel like we don't
even like go on date nights anymore.
I'm like OK.
I hear you.
But what's really going on?
And she was like, well, sometimes
I feel like you're like
hanging out your buddies
more
than you, like, hang out with me
and I'm like, OK.
I hear you.
But what's really going on?
Unless she takes a deep breath.
And she was like.
Remember last week of my birthday?
Heather brought a cousin
and she didn't know my name.
I was like, see,
that's your problem right there.
You gonna do with me?
Heather Cousins,
a bitch, you know.
Fuck her, man.
Let's focus on energy on her.
Trying to be a better communicator,
man, my girl always wants me
to talk about my feelings.
She's like, Babe, I wish you'd talk
about your feelings more.
I'm like, I feel fine.
What more do you want me to say?
I don't know.
I'm not that emotionally involved.
I don't know what else.
I'm fine.
But don't keep asking me that,
cause the fifth time you asked me
that I might not be
fun.
The fifth time?
He asked me.
That's just some dark shit
that's gonna come out.
It's like babe,
how are you feeling?
I don't know.
I'm angry all the time
because my dad yelled at me
after ping pong practise.
See, guys and girls
were just different, Man.
Girls are so emotionally evolved.
You know, we even
hang out different.
One night I came home early.
My girl was having
a girls night at the house.
I've never seen anything like that.
The TV was off.
7 girls sitting in a circle.
Making direct eye contact
with each other.
Every candle in the house was lit.
And I walked by.
I'm like, what is this witchcraft?
And I just backed
into my own room.
Fellas, we hang out.
Different guys, when we hang out,
we sit in a straight line.
TV on Full blast Zero eye
contact with each other.
My girl came home early.
She was so confused.
She's like, babe, you guys
didn't talk for like 6 hours.
I'm like, yeah, isn't
that fucking awesome?
That's us.
That's guys.
When the relationship is important
to speak the same language,
my girl asked me.
She was like, babe,
what's your love language?
I'm like what?
I was raised by Asian parents.
I've never heard one word
of affirmation of my life.
Nobody ever told me.
They're like, don't fuck it up.
Their love language
is verbal abuse.
Trying to figure out
my love languages.
Physical touch, right?
Nobody touched me until I was 22.
I'm not familiar with that.
What are some other love languages?
Active Sir
well.
I like, I like every woman
just screaming out at their partner,
active service.
Gift giving.
I think gift giving
is a good one.
OK?
I love giving gifts to my girl.
She loves giving gifts to me.
We love that, right?
Like for example,
I love buying my girl's shoes.
She loves shoes and we wear
the same shoe size.
The perfect gift for the whole family,
you know, I mean.
These are her shoes tonight.
You know it's me.
Perfect.
That's right.
And in return, I let her wear
all of my Jordans.
Yeah guys, you guys know
that's love cause Jordans too.
Guys, that's our most
prized possession.
If we let you slip into our Jordans,
that's like you letting us slip
in to you, you know?
Same thing.
But sometimes, Sometimes
I get a little nervous
because her feet are a little dirty,
OK.
And she's a white girl,
so her feet extra dirty,
like, you know, I mean, like,
I don't
know.
Wipe you?
I don't know what the fuck
you guys do your feet all day.
You guys just barefoot all the time,
frolicking around like Jenny
from Forrest Gump,
you know?
Why people?
You guys got some strong ass feet, man.
Just 120 degrees
outside hot cement, just like.
Y'all got some hunter
gatherer feet.
See, every culture,
we got different feet etiquette, alright?
Why people want to get in touch
with Mother Earth.
That's great.
Black people, on the other hand,
I live with a black roommate
for six years.
Never saw his toes once.
He came out the shower
with socks on, man.
You got a sock draw
on there, brother?
Asian people, you guys know the rule
When you come into the house,
you take your shoes
off, right?
You're like, well, know that, Yeah.
Yeah.
But but our feet actually
never touched the floor.
Because when you take a
shoes off at the house,
we've got two pair of house shoes ready
for you.
And then when you walk outside,
we got two pair of Crocs ready for you.
And then when you come
back in the bedroom,
we got two other pair
of slippers that we
stole from a hotel in Vegas.
We're ready.
Our feet never touched the floor.
We got baby sore feet.
I think Asian people
almost natural love.
Language is acts
of service, right?
That's what our parents
did to us.
They might never say I love you,
but they did a lot of nice things for us.
Every every night.
I don't care how busy my parents were,
they'll come home
and make a 5 course meal.
That's love right there, right?
Yeah.
Give it up for.
Yeah, give it up.
That's right.
In our culture, food is love.
I love cooking for my girl.
We love cooking together.
Food is love.
That's why I hate watching
all these reality cooking shows
when they make food so freaking
stressful.
Like all these guys
will aggressive tattoos
and they just sweating it
in the kitchen.
They're like, yes, chef,
yes, chef, 2 minutes, 2 minutes.
It's still wrong.
It's still wrong and he's
just making fucking scallops.
There's two items on the menu
and they can't handle that shit.
You go to any Chinese restaurant,
there's about 485 items
on the menu.
And there's one dude
back there in the kitchen.
He's not a chef.
He's somebody's uncle
from Hong Kong.
And he knows how to make everything
in under 30 seconds.
That guy's the real hero,
you know what I mean?
He got a yellow wife beater
that he brought from the old country.
Just chilling near the walk,
Cigarette in his mouth, just like.
That guy's a gangster, man.
And he just presses casually
and Cantonese, just like.
Do you?
Any of you guys speak Cantonese here?
Couple of you guys.
I was born in Hong Kong.
That's my first language.
I love that language, right?
I think it's the most
fun language to speak
because it's the most fun language
to cuss
in.
In Cantonese you can,
just like Loki, casually cuss
like you go to Chinatown.
You see like a nice old
man walk by.
He would just be like ohh deal.
Right, That sounds really nice, right?
But what he actually said was like,
ohh, fuck your mother,
hope your whole family dies.
That's Kathy's, man.
You gotta love it.
You gotta love it, man.
In a relationship, I think it's important
to know how you convey love,
but it's just
as important to know
how you receive love.
You gotta be vulnerable
and let your partner
do nice things for you.
See, I'm not very good at that.
I I'm terrible at, like directly asking
for things that I want.
So instead I just drop little hints.
That's called being passive aggressive.
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
Like, for example, I love watching
these YouTube videos
of Japanese housewives making
Bento boxes.
It's very nice, very cute.
It's like a little ASMR, you know?
It's just really nice.
Japanese woman wakes up
at 6:00 AM every day
to make her working husband
a Bento box.
But I can't ask my
venture capitalist golfer
to maybe a Bento box.
I'm not an idiot.
I'm a sugar baby.
I know my role.
So instead of asking it directly,
I just dropped little hints.
Like we'll be sitting
on the couch together.
I just pull on my phone
and pretend I accidentally
stumbled onto this video.
I'm like ohh what is this Ben tool boxes?
Oh my God it's so cute.
What is that?
Like a rice ball shape?
Like a panda?
Look, look look look.
Wow.
So she makes this every day for him.
Wow, she must love him so much.
I thought I was being slick.
Until she came out
to one of my shows.
As you heard this joke.
And she was really upset, man.
And rightfully so.
I was just up here
talking shit, right?
We went home.
We got into a big 5.
She was like, babe,
that's bullshit, OK?
But want me do something?
Just ask me directly.
And you really want somebody
to make you Bento boxes?
Why don't you just go find
a Japanese woman?
I'm like, babe, I'm, I'm,
I'm sorry you feel that way.
OK.
But I think you're missing
the point.
You don't have to be Japanese
to make Bento boxes.
That's right.
That's right.
So now I'm making
our mental boxes everyday.
How I show my love.
You gotta love the people around you,
gotta be nice to the people around you,
your partner,
your family, your friends.
You gotta keep the day
ones around, man.
You know everybody,
when I was coming up in the game,
they gave me this advice.
They're like, hey Jimmy,
you wanna be successful,
hang out with successful people
because
birds of a feather flock together.
That's right, man.
That's right.
You guys heard this before, right?
It's fucking bullshit, OK?
Successful people
are so boring.
I hung out successful people,
they got successful job,
they got successful family.
They don't have time to hang out
with mediocre ass.
So my real advice to everyone
is to find yourself more loser friends.
That's right.
That's right.
That's right.
I see some of you guys clapping
the ones that are not you.
Probably the loser friend,
which is fine.
I love you.
I love you.
I love all my friends, man.
All my day.
Once I used to live in a one bedroom
apartment with three comedians.
Yeah, ain't nothing
wrong with that.
I was proud of that.
It was all good.
They still my close friends,
One of my best friends.
His name is Guam.
Guam Felix.
Yeah, he's a comedian.
He's named after the island
he was born on.
Guam, like, you know, you kind of hood
when you named after the island
you were born
on.
Like if I came out tonight
and they introduced me
as Hong Kong Jimmy.
I'll probably be selling drugs
outside, you know, I mean.
But was one of my greatest friends,
man.
He's just a good dude.
Just happy go around guy, you know,
he trashed in my living room
for months and I asked
him like, hey Guam,
you got any plans?
You gonna go get
a job or something?
He was like, Nah, thi
I'm gonna get on that government
disability, homie.
And I'm like, OK,
are you disabled?
He was like, yeah,
I think so dog.
I threw out my back
when I was 19, homie.
I'm like, OK,
you're 42 right now.
I don't think that's gonna
work out for you.
See, Guam is great.
He lives by the Creed where anything
good that happens to him,
he makes sure that thank
God, right?
That's great.
And anything bad that happens to him,
he makes sure to blame the government.
It's a great way to live
that when you take 0
personal responsibility.
Like he'll say, shit like ohh damn,
they gave me a speeding ticket
and took away my licence
style.
You see, that's how
the government fucks you.
I'm like, no, I'm pretty sure
that's how you fuck yourself.
And then on the positive side
he'll say things like
I just wanna thank God cause
he let
me stay with you dog.
I'm like, no, you thank me,
motherfucker.
I let you stay with me.
My love Guan man.
He is a happy go lucky guy,
doesn't have a lot
of ambition in life.
His dream in life
is to win the lottery.
His catch phrase is when I win
the lottery, die.
But he doesn't have good goals
for when he does win the lottery,
because he will say
shit like when I win
the lottery.
We're going to the buffet, though.
I'm like, why we do
that right now, bro?
But Guan was a man of his word.
Not only would he buy lottery tickets,
he stood in line
in every single game show in
LA to try to win his lottery
and he finally got on this game show
called Let's Make a
Deal.
Have you guys seen that?
Yes, the show that comes
on hosted by Wayne Brady
before The Price Is Right.
But in order to get on that show,
you have to wear a costume.
And Guam is like a big
Pacific Islander brother,
so it's costume options were limited.
He could either be Moana.
Or the Rock, you know.
So he decided to make
his own costume.
He cut up a blue bed sheet,
draped it over his body,
and then he got a Chinese rice Patty
hat.
And he just wore it.
I'm like, God, what the fuck?
What are you dressed up as,
Ho Chi Minh or some shit?
And he was like, no dog.
I'm master rating for
Mortal Kombat, homie.
This is a true story,
he went on national TV,
dressed up as masqueraded.
And this is actually
an inspirational story.
He actually won.
Yeah.
He won the Big Deal
of the Day.
It was a $5000 living room set.
Which was perfect
for my living room.
But he dreamed big.
He want to win
as big prize.
So he traded it in for the
Super deal of the week
and I'm like this fucking idiot.
He traded it in for one
out of three chance
to win $50,000 cash,
one of the biggest prizes
on the show ever.
And he won.
That was his watering.
His dream came true.
I was watching TV.
It's the most magical moment.
Money start falling down
on his rice Paddy hat
and he was so happy.
He started doing jumping jacks and shit
and start swimming in the pool of money.
And I was watching.
I'm like, I knew this motherfucker
is not disabled.
Look it up.
He's very capable.
They start crying on national TV.
He was so happy.
And Wayne Brady was like,
go on, congratulations.
What are you gonna do
with that $50,000?
And he was like,
we got through the buffet dog.
Right.
That's a good friend, man.
That's why you keep
your friends around.
He went from the biggest loser
I knew to the biggest winner I know.
Took care of all his boys,
took us to a lot of buffets.
He even took us to the
fanciest restaurant he knew,
Buca de Beppo.
It was awesome.
He was Pauling, but that money
didn't last long.
That 50 grand last about three months.
And not only that,
he didn't pay any taxes on it.
So now you also IRS another 20
on top of that shit.
And I'm like, going this is horrible.
You worse off than you ever were.
And all he said to me was like, see,
that's how the government fucks you, dog.
OK.
Keep your close friends around
and save you money people.
That's only like watching
real people game shows.
I hate watching Celebrity Family Feud
because they always make
the celebrity choose a
charity and donate money.
I'm like, some of us
want to keep our money, man.
And look, I know I sound
like a bad person, OK?
But I love helping people.
I love the concept
of donating money.
I just can't do it.
I want to.
But my mom wouldn't let me.
Every time I've been
just think about those,
any money she comes out of nowhere.
She's like who?
Who are you donating to?
I'm like Mom.
I don't know, like Save
the Children Foundation.
She's like, you don't even know
those children.
Children can be horrible.
OK, fine mom, I'll donate
to help the hospitals like feet
of hospital.com
to help out
all the nurses and doctors
and she said OK Jimmy, OK.
The doctors make more money than you.
They should donate to you OK?
They make a West Side feet
of comedian.com right now.
She just killed trips me,
you know?
You donate to anyone.
You donate to me.
I give a birth to you, OK?
Can you imagine?
I'm on Family Feud?
Steve's like Jimmy.
What charity are you playing for?
Feetofcomedian.com.
All proceeds go to my mom.
My mom's so tight with my money
she wouldn't even let me
buy her something nice.
For last birthday,
I bought a nice iPad.
Brand new iPad.
I thought I was a good Asian son, right?
And my mom was like, ohh no,
it's too expensive.
I'm like mom, it's OK.
We're gonna afford it.
Just just enjoy the iPad.
She was like, no, Jimmy,
I please return it.
Return it and just give me the cash.
We're practical.
About the bottom line.
See, we live in a very
frivolous society, man.
Everybody loves to brag
about how much shit they have,
how much money they make.
We all brag.
We are guilty of this.
We all just do it
in subtle different ways.
Like white people for example.
White people never brag
about how much money they got.
They always just brag
about how expensive their life is.
Like Ohh, Joey
just started private school.
It's so expensive.
And our remodel
is totally going over budget.
Ohh and you wouldn't believe
how much money
we spent going to Fiji.
I'm like, OK, Katie,
I see your life, OK?
It's a luxury.
It's good for you, OK?
Black people, on the other hand,
a lot more straightforward.
Black people just tell you exactly
how much money they spent on something.
It's great.
You guys seen it like my black friends
or even like rappers, right?
They love to brag.
They're like this call 80,000.
My momma's house 500,000.
This chain $1,000,000 Man.
I'm like, OK, you clearly don't have
your priorities straight.
Appreciate the honesty.
People love to brag
about how much money they spend.
Asian people, on the other hand,
we do the exact opposite.
We love to brag
about how little money
we spent on some shit.
Because the art is in the savings,
you never pay full price.
Like my mom, her catch phrase
is guess how much.
That's how much?
Yeah, that's what people.
You guys haven't played.
Guess how much my mom will come home
with something new, like a watch.
She'll be like Jimmy.
Jimmy.
Guess how much?
Guess how much I'm like Mom.
I don't know.
It's a very nice watch,
like $5000.
And she was like, no.
It's $200.00.
Jimmy my horse, My horse,
this horse.
Guess how much?
Guess how much?
Like mom, I don't know,
you live in a very nice house,
Like $1,000,000.
She was like no.
It's half off.
Someone died in it.
And if you know the rules of the game,
you always gets high,
so you make the other person
feel good about their purchases.
Never guess too low.
You ever guessed too low.
That's the ultimate insult
to an Asian person, OK?
One time my mom came home
with some new shoes.
I guess too low.
I've never seen her
so disappointed in me.
She was like Jimmy.
Jimmy, yeah.
Guess how much?
Guess how much I'm like mom.
I don't know, Very nice shoes
like $200.00.
She was like ohh.
Do you even know about shoes?
These are $500.00 Jimmy Choos.
OK, better Jimmy than you.
That's how we prank people.
You gotta love it, man.
I used to be embarrassed
about all these things.
I thought my mom was cheap.
She spoke with an accent.
She made me Chinese food.
But when I got older,
I realised it's all those things
that made me different
is what
makes me interesting.
Now the tightest turn, man,
everybody wanna be more Asian,
I'm telling you.
Yeah, that's right.
Everybody wanna be BTS.
Everybody wanna eat shallow bowl?
And every parent I know
is trying to send their kid
to Chinese immersion school.
Just in case we'll take over this shit,
you know, I mean.
Gotta be proud, man.
You gotta be proud
of how you grew up.
Gotta be proud
of your parents, right?
I'm a good Asian kid.
I'm great to my parents.
I'll never, ever disrespect them.
In front of him,
you know, I mean like.
I want to give you guys
a quick update on my dad.
Yep.
Richard Ohh Yang.
Yeah, the superstar
in the family.
Yeah.
Talk about it.
My last special He became
an actor, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Not because he loves the art.
It's because it's so easy.
You can do it.
I.
But now he's doing great.
He's very successful.
OK, he got his whole life
turned around.
You got out of retirement.
He's a full time actor now and now
he wants to be an influencer.
He just started his own IG account,
which is just a nightmare.
Because old people,
I feel like they mean well.
OK like my dad he means well
but it just doesn't know how it works.
Like his first post on Instagram
is a very nice post.
A beautiful picture of the sky,
palm trees, birds flying by.
I'm like ohh this is nice.
And then Scroll down to the caption
and he wrote All Lives matter.
I'm like that.
What the fuck man like?
You don't even know
what that means.
Why would you write that?
It was like, I know my life will matter,
your life will matter,
the person life will
matter, OK?
Or life will matter.
I'm like, that is not what it means.
I made him put his account
on private, right?
Just like a good Tiger parent would.
Because we know the
rules that young people
will see through the scams
of Instagram,
right?
Like for example I follow sports centre,
I understand the 1st 100 comments
are all bots,
they're all fake right?
Because there's always some IG booty model
saying some stupid shit like ohh,
I want something
long and hard.
This is obviously a scam,
so one time I clicked on it.
Just to see what's going on,
you know, I mean, research.
I just want to see.
I just want to get
to the bottom of it.
So I clicked on it.
I was like, ohh this
is obviously a scam.
It's this girl,
she's following 7000 people
but she only has one follower
and I clicked
on one follows my dad.
He's like, my life will matter.
Her life matters too, OK?
My dad, just from
a different generation.
He is like a weird beauty standard.
Like for us we just say things
on very surface level.
Just like, ohh, this person's attractive,
this person's not right.
My dad would get
into the weeds.
My dad will give you
all the weird details.
He'll be like, ohh,
she's beautiful.
Very long arms.
I'm like, what are you recruiting
for a linebacker?
What are you talking about?
I can never get a pulse on who he thinks
is attractive or not, right?
One time I'm like dad Ohh,
she's really good looking
and my dad was like, no.
Her mouth too close
to her nose.
She can't breathe.
She can't breathe.
I see some of you guys
looking your partners like it.
Is my nose too close?
And that's exactly what
an Asian parent does to you.
You know, make yourself conscious
about shit you didn't know about.
I was very nervous
to introduce my girlfriend to my dad
because she's absolutely beautiful,
but who knows if her wingspan
is long enough for his life?
I was so nervous man,
the first time I brought my girlfriend
to my dad's house
and to
his credit, I want to give him credit.
He actually didn't say anything crazy
because for some reason
when an old Chinese person
sees white people.
They just start acting, right?
Like his posture,
Changes stood upright
and for some reason
he just came up with a British
accent.
Like me and my girlfriend
walked in the house.
He didn't say anything crazy,
he just looked at us.
He was like, ohh.
Prosperous young couple.
And my girlfriend was so confused.
It's like, why does your dad sound
like Helen Mirren?
And I start saying all these nice things
about my girl.
I'm like, ohh dad, you know?
Yeah, she's she's very successful,
but she's also very nice.
And her family,
they're just great people.
And like, that was like good.
All lives matter.
I love my dad, man.
I love my dad.
He's a great dad.
He's a funny guy, you know.
And we did a lot of father
and son bonding growing up.
Like, for example,
I'm a big basketball fan.
I love watching the NBA.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Actually, I grew up
a Los Angeles Clippers fan.
Yeah.
Because my dad was cheap.
Because the Lakers and the Clippers
playing the same stadium,
but the Clippers tickets
were half price.
So my dad's, like,
never pay full price.
That wasn't even the most
embarrassing part.
The most embarrassing part
was when we exited the stadium
when we exited Staples Centre.
There'll be hot dogs St vendors
out there, right?
Latino brothers selling bacon
wrapped hot dogs for $5.
I love those things and my dad
would go up and haggle with them.
He'll go and be like, OK,
I give you $5 for two hot dogs.
I'm like that.
It's not buy one,
get one free at Costco,
just give him 10 bucks.
It was like.
Never pay full price.
OK, I'll give you $8
for two hot dogs final offer
and the guy didn't cares like no,
it's
$10.
And then my dad is a strategy.
He just announces
in front of everyone.
Make sure everyone hears him.
He's like OK.
We walk away.
And like that.
I don't care it.
If you walk away,
don't walk away.
He's like Jimmy.
It's better to be hungry
than to pay full price.
And then my mom comes up behind us
with four hot dogs.
And she was like, guess how much?
Thank you guys.
You guys are amazing.
I love you guys.
I'm on my.
You haven't done.
Show me respect.
Give your bitchass soda,
you bitch.
I'm wearing Designer Forever 21.
Playing with you.
I'm on my.