John Early: Now More Than Ever (2023) Movie Script
1
- I made my famous lemon squares.
- You did?
- Oh, my gosh!
- Oh, my gosh, what?
- And he bakes?
- Damn, these are so good.
These are amazing.
- What is the secret ingredient?
- Lemon?
Let's go kill it out there,
all right?
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage...
John Early!
I'll tell you what I did last night
I came home, say
Around a quarter to three
Still so high
Hypnotized
In a trance from this body
So buttery, brown and tantalizing
You would have thought I needed help
With this feeling that I felt
So shook I had to catch my breath
There goes my shirt above my head
Oh, my
There goes my skirt
Dropping to my feet
Oh, my, oh, my
Some kind of touch caressing my neck
Oh, my
I'm turning red, who could this be?
I looked over to the left
I was looking so good
I couldn't reject myself
I looked over to the left
Oh, I was feeling so good
I had to touch myself
I looked over to the left
I was higher,
My thighs butter-pecan brown
I looked over to the left
Coming out of my shirt
And then my skirt came down
There goes my shirt above my head
Oh, my
There's goes my skirt
Dropping to my feet
Oh, my, oh, my
Some kind of touch caressing my legs
Oh, my
I'm turning red, who could this be?
Hello, Brooklyn.
It's so nice to be back
in the borough
of my wasted sexual prime.
Check... check, one, two.
You guys can hear me, right?
Check, check.
I just want to make sure
this is amplifying queer voices.
My name is John Early
and I solemnly swear
to make you feel so good tonight.
I will drain you like a public pool
after a kid's taken a shit in it.
There goes my shirt above my head
Oh, my
There goes my skirt
Dropping to my feet
Oh, my
Some kind of touch caressing my neck
Oh, my
I'm turning red, who could this be?
Make some noise for John Early
and The Lemon Squares.
You're damn right,
we got the drumhead.
It's official.
Can you believe this band?
Okay, let's circle up for a prayer.
Will.
Sorry, John.
Okay. Dear God, You know,
it's easy to dismiss comedy
as purely silly or as just escapism.
But what we do up there tonight
has the power to change lives.
Just today, a little girl
came up to me on the street
and she told me that my videos
and stuff had given her the courage
to come out to her entire family.
And...
that little girl was me.
That little girl was me.
Wait, what?
I'm actually confused, too.
One more thing. I promise.
One more thing
and we're gonna get started.
And they're gonna hate me
for saying anything at all
because they're very shy
but my parents are here tonight.
And it's really sweet.
And I just... It's so sweet to me.
And I just want to acknowledge it.
And I promise not to call
any more attention to them
because they're very,
you know, modest and Presbyterian.
But yeah, but...
Everybody get a real good look
at my stupid fucking parents.
What's it like being
under the spotlight for once?
It feels nice, right?
Well, it's hell for me.
I have to live with that every day.
And, guys,
it can all go away in a heartbeat.
Release.
Fuck you!
I hated growing up.
Okay.
We're gonna start the show. Okay.
All right.
If we look back
at the Access Hollywood tapes...
not so bad.
If we look back soberly after stuff
has died down just a little bit
you know, he sounds
less predatory in retrospect
and maybe a little more
just like someone...
who's terrified of sex.
You know? Like, I think if we're
really being honest with ourselves
like Trump is just not
a sensual person.
Like, I guess it sounded
like "locker-room talk"
in that it sounded like me at age 12
in the locker room...
trying to convince
a group of straight guys
that I "like" Lizzie.
You know? Like...
You just grab 'em by the pussy.
I moved on her like a bitch.
These are direct quotes.
And my favorite of all time.
My favorite of all time is...
I better get some Tic Tacs
in case I start kissing her.
One of my least favorite pieces
of advice is "Be yourself."
And here's why.
If there are eight billion people
on this planet, okay?
Eight billion apparently
unique individuals
with some sort of authentic self
lurking within.
Then being yourself
should technically look
about eight billion different ways,
right?
But when someone tells you
to be yourself
they want one thing
and they want one thing only.
And it's this.
There's a monopoly on the tone
of being yourself, right?
Like, everyone always wants this.
They want this.
It's so corny.
Another piece of advice that I hate
is, "A watched pot never boils"
but specifically
in the romantic sense.
You know, when people are like,
"The second you stop looking
he'll come."
"Don't look, then he'll come,"
you know.
Because if the end goal
of not looking, stopping looking
is still just to find someone,
that he'll come
then doesn't that make
the not looking
just another form of looking?
How do you not look?
How do you not...
How do you not look? What?
Like, this is me looking for love.
Ready?
This is me looking for love.
That was it.
Because we're all constantly
looking for love.
Now, this is me not looking for love.
Okay, this is me
not looking for love.
It's impossible,
is what I'm trying to say.
You know, what am I supposed to do
on the way to get coffee?
I'm supposed to, like,
rock a messy bun
and wear a shapeless baggy tee
that's like, Zero Fucks Given.
I'm not looking... I'm not looking.
And then, boom, it's the barista.
But I hate when people are like,
"Just pour yourself into your work.
Just throw yourself into your work,
and then it'll come."
You know, it's like, I'm an actor.
Like, the more I'm working, the more
I'm looking for love, you know?
Like, what am I supposed to do,
turn to ceramics?
I become obsessed with,
like, working with my hands.
I start making, like, folk art.
I'm like, "Can someone
help me move my sculpture?
It's of a man, but he's made
of different guitar parts.
I'm John.
Hi.
This is crazy."
Hey, Dom and Princess?
- Yeah?
- Hey.
Do you mind scooting back for me
a little bit?
Oh, sure. Of course.
- How's this?
- Keep going back, actually.
- Okay.
- Keep going. Yeah.
Don't stop til you feel
that curtain in front of you, okay?
- Oh, yeah.
- Keep scooching.
- Keep scooching.
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah.
- Right?
- That's good.
- Yeah.
So, Yazan, if you can scootch
stage right for me.
And, Drew,
can you scootch stage left?
Oh, Yazan, stage right is your right.
That's okay, sweetie.
Keep scooching... keep scooching.
Both of y'all.
Keep scooching... keep scooching.
- Yeah, keep scooching.
- I'm at the top of the steps.
Well, then scooch on down
those steps.
Keep scooching... keep scooching.
Oh, okay.
See how Drew is in that, like,
moody kind of shadowy light?
Let's lock that in.
Evan, let's lock that in.
Okay, so, Hess and Will,
can y'all hunch for me?
Hunch.
Yeah. Keep hunching...
keep hunching.
Okay, yeah.
See, so this feels dynamic to me.
- Right?
- Yeah, I agree.
I think...
Sometimes anal is so good.
Buckle up, guys. This is a long joke.
And, yeah, unfortunately for you,
I'm a sexual being.
Release.
I'm so sorry about them, you guys.
I literally didn't want them here.
Like, I wanted it to be just us.
Sometimes anal is so good.
It's so good that it makes me wonder.
It makes me think
like it's not just some hack.
Like sometimes it's so good.
I'm like, "Oh, it wasn't just some
like, sex hack invented
by homosexuals, like...
three hundred million years ago
or whatever."
Sometimes it's so good
that I start to wonder if, like
the original purpose of the anus
was to be a sex organ
and that the...
shitting, sorry,
is just some weird error...
that we have yet to phase out...
like the appendix, you know?
I think what I'm trying to say,
like on a science level
because in this house,
oh, we believe in science.
If the anus is, in fact,
a highly-functioning sex organ
like any highly-functioning part
of the body
it got that way because of the long,
intricate process of evolution.
So I think what I'm trying to say is,
I think...
the people who weren't
having anal died off.
One of my favorite parts
about being gay
is when I'm no more
than three words into a story
and the person across from me
is like, "I can't."
"So, how are you, John?"
"I'm pretty good."
"I can't with you."
"Where'd she go?"
"You're insane."
"What?"
Something I love to do,
and you guys can do this too
is when someone describes
their apartment as pre-war.
I'll go, "Name that war.
Five, four, three, two, one.
I'll circle back to ten,
nine, eight, seven, six.
Name that war, and five and four
and name that war, and three and two
and name that war, and one."
And they can never name the war.
They do not know the war
of which they speak.
But neither would any of us.
You know? I mean, really.
Like, none of us here
know anything of war, right?
I guess the only war
any of us can really speak to
the streaming wars.
Which side are you on?
I enlisted at HBO Max.
John, you better eat something
before the show.
John, you gotta get your energy up.
Yeah, John, you didn't eat
any lunch, man. It's no joke.
I guess I'm just not that hungry.
John, seriously,
you gotta get you some protein.
Thank you, sweetie,
but I'm totally... Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Thank you, guys. Here I go again.
Here I go. Okay.
Okay...
All right.
Okay. Watch your head.
Thank you.
- You okay, buddy?
- Yeah.
Thanks to you guys.
You want something to eat, pal?
No.
Still no.
- Want some water?
- Even that, no.
How do you let your boyfriend
go to therapy?
And I don't mean in general.
I mean, how do you let them
walk out of the front door?
Like, "Where are you going?
Oh, therapy. Cool." Like...
"Oh, therapy.
Like, have fun." Like...
They're 100 percent
ripping you to shreds.
With the help of a licensed
professional hunty.
It's them and someone
with a master's degree
taking a black light
to your personality.
That's why whenever I knew
my boyfriend had an appointment
like had a session that day,
I'd be like, "Breakfast in bed!"
Right?
You guys, I think just
with everything that's going on
in the world right now,
we should do some Britney, right?
Right?
Let's do Britney. Yeah.
Okay, let's do Britney.
Okay, so here's the deal.
I'm gonna take a request
but I need order
in the fucking court.
We have her whole catalog
ready to go.
It might take a second to lock it in
but I just need like one request,
like...
Oh, yes, pick a Britney song
you love.
"Lucky"!
Any Britney song you wanna hear.
Any Britney...
Any Britney song you wanna hear.
"Hold It Against Me."
And I said
it was a really simple prompt.
I literally said...
I said, I quite simply said,
any Britney song you wanna hear.
- Yes.
- "Toxic."
Okay, so third album.
Third album. Third single.
Who wants to say? Yeah.
"Circus."
It's just funny, 'cause that's
probably like the fifth, sixth album.
So when I say, third album,
I just have to laugh.
You know?
I'm just up here laughing.
Third album. Third single.
"Stronger."
That's the second album.
"I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman."
Okay, we're closer.
We're at the third album.
That was the second single.
- "In The Zone"!
- "Overprotected"!
Let's do "Overprotected."
Do we have that?
Do we have "Overprotected"?
Because my life has been...
Yeah.
I need love...
Yeah.
Okay. Thank you. I love that.
Okay, so can we just lock in the key,
so I really...
Can we actually... Sorry.
Can we build the chords
so I really lock it in?
So can y'all do...
Bush...
- Bush
- Bush
- Did
- Did
Nine-Eleven
One more time.
- Bush
- Bush
- Did
- Did
Nine-Eleven
Okay, I'm ready.
Say hello to the girl that I am
You're gonna have to see
Through my perspective
I need to make mistakes
Just to learn who I am
And I don't wanna be
So damn protected
There must be another way
'Cause I believe in taking chances
Who am I to say
What a girl is to do?
God, I need some answers
What am I to do with my life?
You will find it out, don't worry
How am I supposed to know
What's right?
You just gotta do it your way
I can't help the way I feel
But my life has been so overprotected
I'll tell them what I like
What I want, and what I don't
But every time I do
I stand corrected
Things that I've been told
I can't believe what I hear
About the world
I realize I'm overprotected
There must be another way
'Cause I believe in taking chances
But who am I to say
What a girl is to do?
God, I need some answers
What am I to do with my life?
You will find it out, don't worry
How am I supposed to know
What's right?
You just gotta do it your way
I can't help the way I feel
But my life has been so overprotected
I need time
Space
I need love
Need
I don't need nobody telling me
Just what I wanna
What I, what... what I'm gonna
I'm gonna do about my destiny
I say no, no, nobody's telling me
Just what I wanna do, do
I'm so fed up with people telling me
To be someone else but me
How am I supposed to know
What's right?
You just gotta do it your way
Overprotected
Can you talk a little about
how you all started playing together?
We used to do this show
in fucking basements, man
for anyone who would fucking listen.
People used to storm out.
They had seen comedy, sure.
They had seen music. Yeah.
At the same time? Interwoven?
No.
Does anyone want me
to roll them a joint?
- Oh, for sure.
- Yeah.
Oh, puff-puff-pass, man, right?
That's just tobacco.
Bowling is hell.
I'll go there, I'm not afraid.
It's so vulnerable, you know?
Like, the ball is literally too heavy
to pretend to be too cool.
You can't be like, you know,
it would hurt your wrist.
You know,
you have to use your whole body.
It's very gay.
You have to go...
You know?
And by the way,
when you're coming up to do it
suddenly everyone you came with
is now behind you...
staring at your thick
Mark Zuckerberg ass.
The staff's having a ball.
They're like...
Okay, so after all that,
say you do well, it's even worse.
Because I feel like
there's really no...
there's no way to, like, sincerely
celebrate your victories as a bowler
unless you're a professional.
Unless you're in a league, you know,
where you can fully do it
and then, yah, you know?
You know?
But we all bowl
at children's birthday parties.
That's not part
of the social contract.
You know, you look, if you...
if you do what you really
wanted to do.
And so you have to
immediately press it down
to immediately suppress it.
And this is what you have to do.
And I know you know, so, okay,
so I'll do it for you.
You do well, and then
you turn around and you're like...
You have to do a little dance.
It sucks.
And you literally have to pretend to
forget what you just accomplishment.
And you're literally...
you're trying not to smile.
You're like,
"Should I get us more beer?"
"You guys want more beer?"
The corners of your mouth are
quivering from trying not to smile.
And you're 35.
And you're like, "Who is that?"
"Who is that?"
It's hell.
There's this thing that happens
on the iPhone now.
When you download an app,
there's a pop-up.
And it asks a question,
it's not really a question.
They put a little question mark on it
but if you look at the...
on a sentence level
it is a command, okay?
And it says, it's like...
allow app to track activity
across other apps and websites.
It's so confusing.
There are two options.
One of the options is allow.
Allow.
It's one word.
It's a beautiful word, you know.
There are no plosives. No...
You know what I mean? Like...
Like, it's just allow... allow.
You know, so pillowy. Allow.
Allow.
It's like a Clearasil. It's...
Allow. You know?
Neutrogena, maybe, I don't know.
Okay, that's one option.
The other option,
the other option is...
ask app not to track.
Ow, ow. You know?
Ask app not to track.
Ask... wait.
It's so...
Ask app not to track.
It's like, ask app not to track.
It's...
You know Apple poured billions
of dollars into researching
like what is the single
most suicidal sequence
of monosyllabic sounds.
Ask app not to track.
It sucks.
It's like The Birds. You're like...
Because this is the thing.
It's the first option of the two.
And that's by design.
So you're reading the question.
You're like, so confusing.
And you see it like poking up
because it's just under the question.
It's poking up through
and you're like, "No."
And you're trying to make
your ask app not to track
and you see allow, and you're like...
Allow.
And by the way, I do think
that Apple's primary tactic
is just to scare you.
I think it's to terrify you.
But I also think they're doing
something more
kind of subliminal and social.
Like, imagine someone
ever saying that to you.
You know, like it's just at a party
across the room.
Ask app not to track,
like, ask app not to track.
Like...
You can't wrap your mouth around it.
So, like, you know,
I'm trying to put it other voices
like, ask app not to, like...
Ask app not track.
Like, you can't even say it.
Like if someone said that to me,
I'd be like, "Fucking dork."
We're gonna be over here allowing.
Aren't we, girls?
By the way.
They could have just said no.
Don't allow. No.
Wait, so, Paul was left handed?
He's actually right handed.
He just played a left handed bass.
- That's so amazing.
- So cool.
- Yeah, that's one of my favorites.
- Yeah, me too.
- Did you guys see the documentary?
- I haven't seen it yet.
- Can I try?
- Yeah, sure.
Hey, can you hold this?
So, how do you do like a D chord
or whatever?
See that fifth fret here just...
You know, can you just come around
from behind and show me
you know, like in golf, when someone
is trying to teach someone to swing
and then just they're like, fully
wrapped around the other person?
- Sure.
- Yeah.
- Put your hand here. Here.
- Here.
Yeah.
Yeah, looks good.
I feel like I'm not doing it right.
Okay, wait. So it's par-e-diddle.
Oh, I can't do it.
It's right, left, right, right
- left, right, left, left.
- Will you just show me?
But use my hands
like they're your hands.
- Like in golf.
- Yeah.
- Sure.
- Okay.
We did it.
And so jazz is more kind of...
Yeah.
I thought that was jazz.
Don't be shy.
Right there.
So cool.
I'm not sure.
- He's trying for lot of stuff.
- Yeah, I know.
Back off.
Do you guys ever feel like we didn't
learn anything real, in school?
I feel that way sometimes.
But really I do.
I really do feel that way sometimes.
I hate to, like, average us out
to the same generation
but I'm going to
for the purposes of this next bit.
But...
I don't know. I feel like sometimes
we missed the cut off
for a quality education, you know?
I can't count.
I mean, I can count.
I can count, but like,
when I get to like, 12
thirteen, 14...
A panic really starts to set in,
I'm like, "No..." you know?
Like, I don't know anything
about history.
I know nothing about history.
I do not know what happened, y'all.
I don't know what happened.
I don't know what happened.
I never read any great literature
you know,
like, even the practical stuff
like we didn't have Home EC,
you know, like...
here's what it boils down to for me.
Like, I don't know
how to do my taxes.
But I do know how to, like,
be a badass.
Know what I'm saying?
I feel like they just turned out
a bunch of, like, total badasses.
But the shells of badasses
with no, like, discernible world view
you know, or skills,
you know, like...
Like no one wants
to be a locksmith anymore, you know?
Everyone just wants to make cake pops
or make videos of themselves
making cake pops, you know?
I feel like the only thing
we were really taught
as a generation is just to vamp.
Just hold the floor.
Just keep holding that floor.
Keep talking... You know?
In the boardroom, in the classroom,
in your fucking podcasts
just keep stringing
those words together.
It does not matter
if you don't know what they mean.
Keep talking.
Just keep talking, you know?
We're just a bunch
of used car sales folks.
A bunch of disruptors and creatives
just bumping up into each other.
A bunch of doers and makers roaming
the streets at night, you know.
Okay, yeah.
Now I'll give you that. We're makers.
We're good at making.
Making shit up.
I feel like now when people are like
"Oh, my God,
it's such a small world."
It's like, "Is it?"
Or do we both just go to private
school and now work for Vulture?
I feel like, modern online life
is just kind of toggling
between two emotional states.
One is being so full of rage
and pointing the finger
you know, scolding someone.
And the other
is being so full of rage
and pretending your friend is hot.
And I want to talk
about the second one.
Because there's plenty
of literature on the first.
And we all know the post.
It's something like...
"Growing up gay,
I was taught not to take up space.
As a gay man,
I was told not to celebrate myself.
So this won't come naturally to me.
Bear with me, gang.
But here is a picture of me
with come gutters."
And, you know, it's so outwardly meek
that post, you know.
But the subtext of that post,
the subtext is this.
And we're all so miserable,
but we just line up anyway, you know?
We're like...
Fire emoji...
Yes, mama.
I wish you could see me at home
with my dead-ass eyes.
Like, "Yes, mama."
Go all the way off.
You go to work.
We have to break free.
We have to break free
from this like fire emoji death pact.
I feel like the only...
only kind of form of community
I have these days is my Grindr grid.
And I don't mean the people
on the grid. I mean the grid itself.
You know, it's getting to the point
where I'm like tucking in at night
like turning on the app.
Absolutely no intention of going out
and hooking up or whatever, you know.
And I'm like, "Good night, you guys."
"Good night, John..."
Because, you know,
I've lived in the same neighborhood
for like seven years or something.
Like it's the same 30 gay guys,
like in a mile radius
all of us in our little boxes
like some depraved
Brady bunch like...
I've never asked a neighbor
for sugar.
I've never so much
as even waved at a neighbor.
But I do know that he's uncut.
I feel like
there's no small talk anymore.
You know, like, no one talks
about the weather anymore.
Like, I feel like now
when you step onto an elevator
with a complete stranger moment one,
they're like
"My dad was largely absent.
And I think that's why
I freeze up sexually."
You like...
Okay.
Okay.
The fuck happened to dance?
We used to have Bob Fosse.
You know, his choreography
was so kinky and mysterious.
And he was a household name.
He was on talk shows.
A choreographer in America
was on talk shows.
That can't happen anymore.
What's happening?
I feel like I feel like the only
remaining form of dance
is the pitch choreography
on Shark Tank.
It's, "Sharks I have three..."
Try one...
Try one...
I was in a coffee shop recently
and I saw what I hesitate to describe
as a piece of art.
It was an illustration
of Rick Moranis
and he was holding a piece
of pepperoni pizza.
And that was framed.
And I thought
"Is that all there is?"
You know?
Like when we're loading up
the time capsule
for future inhabitants of Planet E
is this what the millennial
shall put forth?
You know?
Or will it be an illustration
of a taco?
Because I'm sure still seeing
a lot of that.
Still.
Or will it be
a little dancing cheeseburger?
Or will it be a video
of one of the chefs
from the hallowed halls
of Bon Appetit?
Making a lemon-y, garlicy,
crispity, crunchity.
Jammy, cacio-y...
Pepe.
Cacio-y Pepe.
Or will it be an infographic?
You know, with the kind of cloudy
rainbow gradient background
that talks about why your ally ship
is actually performative?
Calling all allies. Performative...
Where are my allies at?
That was performative.
What are we doing?
Or will it be one of our
many contributions as a generation
to the world of advertising?
I don't know if you guys remember.
This Postmates campaign.
It was like three,
maybe four years ago
had a very kind of millennial tone,
millennial aspect.
Like, kind of like...
You know?
There was one that was like,
there's always like
"Don't let breakfast bully you
into putting your pants on."
We get it. Postmates.
And then same campaign,
there was one that was like
"When you want omakase,
but your bras off."
We get it. Postmates.
And then there is one.
And I'm not kidding.
I'm not kidding.
It was in the same campaign.
It was...
I was driving down highways.
It was on giant billboards,
like, it was
by the way,
mass shootings everywhere.
On skyscrapers, giant skyscraper,
painted on huge buildings.
It literally said, "Hate people?
We get it, Postmates."
Are we like that?
Are we like that?
I mean, are we really
just a bunch of, like, hot messes?
Like, "I'm such a mess.
I'm such a...
I ordered cupcakes again.
I took a nap by accident.
All tangled up in the cord. See?"
Are we really a bunch of hot messes
or do they just need us
to be that way?
Our contributions
to language as a generation
we should be tried at The Hague.
The hyperbole alone.
I mean, by the way, I just said
we should be tried at The Hague.
I'm talking
about myself here too, y'all.
But I really do feel like
we lean a lot
on hyperbole as a generation, like...
You know, something like, you know,
"Did you see Tar?
My jaw was on the floor.
I had to hire a TaskRabbit
to come pick it up."
I really feel like we lean
on hyperbole
to compensate for the utter emptiness
of being alive right now.
It's not our fault.
But other saying,
like all the feelings
all the things, all the feels.
I'll have all the things.
I want grant money.
I want grant money to trace
the origins of all the things.
And I don't think you guys are going
to be happy with what I find out.
Human, such an amazing human.
One of my favorite humans.
Fuck off.
Garbage person. Dumpster fire.
Dick Biscuit.
I mean, I can barely say it.
I can barely say, I didn't know
I needed, I didn't like...
This is a collaboration
I didn't know I needed.
I didn't know I needed.
"I hate that word moist.
Moist.
Yeah, I can barely say it. Moist.
I hate the word moist."
An entire generation of people
pretending to hate the word moist.
We have to get serious, you guys.
We have to get serious
before it's too late.
And our gravestones are like,
"Because cancer."
Well, I dreamed I saw the knights
In armor coming
Saying something about a queen
There were peasants singing
And drummers drumming
And the Archers split the tree
There was a fanfare blowing
To the sun
That was floating on the breeze
Look at Mother Nature on the run
In the 21st century
Look at Mother Nature on the run
In the 21st century
I was lying in a burnt up basement
With the full moon in my eyes
I was hoping for a replacement
When the sun bursts through the sky
There was a band playing in my head
And I felt like getting high
I was thinking
About what a friend had said
I was hoping it was a lie
Thinking about what a friend had said
I was hoping it was a lie
Well, I dreamed I saw
The silver spaceship
Flying in the yellow haze of the sun
There were children crying and colors
Flying all around the chosen ones
All in a dream, all in a dream
The loading had begun
Flying Mother Nature's silver seed
To a new home in the sun
Flying Mother Nature's silver seed
To a new home
Sorry can I hear more
Dom and Princess in my monitors?
And in a little more Hess too
in the keys.
Thank you.
- One more time.
- Oh, sorry.
- Hi. Who is that?
- They're from HBO.
Max. Leah, Max... HBO Max.
From HBO Max HR.
- They wanna talk with me?
- Yeah.
I think it is HBO.
Hi.
- Hi, John.
- Hi.
We've received multiple complaints
today about unacceptable conduct.
So we're going to need to talk to you
and other members
of the cast and crew.
Okay.
Hopefully, this won't take up
too much of your time.
My assistant think could head up
the predator team. And...
- Predator team?
- The Predator team. Yes.
The highest priority, really,
as you know here at HBO is a very...
I think we should end the show.
Thank you guys so much for coming.
It's so good, it's so good
It's so good... It's so good
Heaven knows... Heaven knows
Heaven knows, heaven knows
I feel love... I feel love
I feel love... I feel love
I feel loved
I feel loved
I feel loved
Okay, Dominique.
Can you do what I just did?
That melody line. Is that cool?
And then all kind of hulk on top
for that higher harmony.
Okay, cool, let's do that.
Here we go.
Falling free... Falling free
Falling free, falling free
You and me... You and me
You and me, you and me
I feel loved... I feel loved
I feel loved, I feel loved
Dominique.
I feel loved
I feel loved
I feel loved
Okay, let's have Princess.
Let's have Princess.
Okay, so, Princess.
It'll go Dom again, right?
Then, Princess.
You'll kind of do what I just did.
And I'll come upon the highest part.
Let's go!
I got you... I got you
I got you, I got you
What you do... What you do
What you do, what you do
I feel love... I feel love
I feel love, I feel love
I feel love
I feel love
I feel love
I feel love
I feel love
Make some noise
for Michael Hesslein on the keys.
Drew Hart on that nasty bass.
Will Lawrence on the drums!
Princess Fortier on the soprano line.
Dominique Toney on the alto line.
Yazan Fahmawi on the guitar.
My parents!
Release.
Give it up for the Roulette,
tip your bartenders.
Thank you so much.
I'm John Early,
this has been heaven on earth.
I love you. Thank you.
Translator: IYUNO
- I made my famous lemon squares.
- You did?
- Oh, my gosh!
- Oh, my gosh, what?
- And he bakes?
- Damn, these are so good.
These are amazing.
- What is the secret ingredient?
- Lemon?
Let's go kill it out there,
all right?
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage...
John Early!
I'll tell you what I did last night
I came home, say
Around a quarter to three
Still so high
Hypnotized
In a trance from this body
So buttery, brown and tantalizing
You would have thought I needed help
With this feeling that I felt
So shook I had to catch my breath
There goes my shirt above my head
Oh, my
There goes my skirt
Dropping to my feet
Oh, my, oh, my
Some kind of touch caressing my neck
Oh, my
I'm turning red, who could this be?
I looked over to the left
I was looking so good
I couldn't reject myself
I looked over to the left
Oh, I was feeling so good
I had to touch myself
I looked over to the left
I was higher,
My thighs butter-pecan brown
I looked over to the left
Coming out of my shirt
And then my skirt came down
There goes my shirt above my head
Oh, my
There's goes my skirt
Dropping to my feet
Oh, my, oh, my
Some kind of touch caressing my legs
Oh, my
I'm turning red, who could this be?
Hello, Brooklyn.
It's so nice to be back
in the borough
of my wasted sexual prime.
Check... check, one, two.
You guys can hear me, right?
Check, check.
I just want to make sure
this is amplifying queer voices.
My name is John Early
and I solemnly swear
to make you feel so good tonight.
I will drain you like a public pool
after a kid's taken a shit in it.
There goes my shirt above my head
Oh, my
There goes my skirt
Dropping to my feet
Oh, my
Some kind of touch caressing my neck
Oh, my
I'm turning red, who could this be?
Make some noise for John Early
and The Lemon Squares.
You're damn right,
we got the drumhead.
It's official.
Can you believe this band?
Okay, let's circle up for a prayer.
Will.
Sorry, John.
Okay. Dear God, You know,
it's easy to dismiss comedy
as purely silly or as just escapism.
But what we do up there tonight
has the power to change lives.
Just today, a little girl
came up to me on the street
and she told me that my videos
and stuff had given her the courage
to come out to her entire family.
And...
that little girl was me.
That little girl was me.
Wait, what?
I'm actually confused, too.
One more thing. I promise.
One more thing
and we're gonna get started.
And they're gonna hate me
for saying anything at all
because they're very shy
but my parents are here tonight.
And it's really sweet.
And I just... It's so sweet to me.
And I just want to acknowledge it.
And I promise not to call
any more attention to them
because they're very,
you know, modest and Presbyterian.
But yeah, but...
Everybody get a real good look
at my stupid fucking parents.
What's it like being
under the spotlight for once?
It feels nice, right?
Well, it's hell for me.
I have to live with that every day.
And, guys,
it can all go away in a heartbeat.
Release.
Fuck you!
I hated growing up.
Okay.
We're gonna start the show. Okay.
All right.
If we look back
at the Access Hollywood tapes...
not so bad.
If we look back soberly after stuff
has died down just a little bit
you know, he sounds
less predatory in retrospect
and maybe a little more
just like someone...
who's terrified of sex.
You know? Like, I think if we're
really being honest with ourselves
like Trump is just not
a sensual person.
Like, I guess it sounded
like "locker-room talk"
in that it sounded like me at age 12
in the locker room...
trying to convince
a group of straight guys
that I "like" Lizzie.
You know? Like...
You just grab 'em by the pussy.
I moved on her like a bitch.
These are direct quotes.
And my favorite of all time.
My favorite of all time is...
I better get some Tic Tacs
in case I start kissing her.
One of my least favorite pieces
of advice is "Be yourself."
And here's why.
If there are eight billion people
on this planet, okay?
Eight billion apparently
unique individuals
with some sort of authentic self
lurking within.
Then being yourself
should technically look
about eight billion different ways,
right?
But when someone tells you
to be yourself
they want one thing
and they want one thing only.
And it's this.
There's a monopoly on the tone
of being yourself, right?
Like, everyone always wants this.
They want this.
It's so corny.
Another piece of advice that I hate
is, "A watched pot never boils"
but specifically
in the romantic sense.
You know, when people are like,
"The second you stop looking
he'll come."
"Don't look, then he'll come,"
you know.
Because if the end goal
of not looking, stopping looking
is still just to find someone,
that he'll come
then doesn't that make
the not looking
just another form of looking?
How do you not look?
How do you not...
How do you not look? What?
Like, this is me looking for love.
Ready?
This is me looking for love.
That was it.
Because we're all constantly
looking for love.
Now, this is me not looking for love.
Okay, this is me
not looking for love.
It's impossible,
is what I'm trying to say.
You know, what am I supposed to do
on the way to get coffee?
I'm supposed to, like,
rock a messy bun
and wear a shapeless baggy tee
that's like, Zero Fucks Given.
I'm not looking... I'm not looking.
And then, boom, it's the barista.
But I hate when people are like,
"Just pour yourself into your work.
Just throw yourself into your work,
and then it'll come."
You know, it's like, I'm an actor.
Like, the more I'm working, the more
I'm looking for love, you know?
Like, what am I supposed to do,
turn to ceramics?
I become obsessed with,
like, working with my hands.
I start making, like, folk art.
I'm like, "Can someone
help me move my sculpture?
It's of a man, but he's made
of different guitar parts.
I'm John.
Hi.
This is crazy."
Hey, Dom and Princess?
- Yeah?
- Hey.
Do you mind scooting back for me
a little bit?
Oh, sure. Of course.
- How's this?
- Keep going back, actually.
- Okay.
- Keep going. Yeah.
Don't stop til you feel
that curtain in front of you, okay?
- Oh, yeah.
- Keep scooching.
- Keep scooching.
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah.
- Right?
- That's good.
- Yeah.
So, Yazan, if you can scootch
stage right for me.
And, Drew,
can you scootch stage left?
Oh, Yazan, stage right is your right.
That's okay, sweetie.
Keep scooching... keep scooching.
Both of y'all.
Keep scooching... keep scooching.
- Yeah, keep scooching.
- I'm at the top of the steps.
Well, then scooch on down
those steps.
Keep scooching... keep scooching.
Oh, okay.
See how Drew is in that, like,
moody kind of shadowy light?
Let's lock that in.
Evan, let's lock that in.
Okay, so, Hess and Will,
can y'all hunch for me?
Hunch.
Yeah. Keep hunching...
keep hunching.
Okay, yeah.
See, so this feels dynamic to me.
- Right?
- Yeah, I agree.
I think...
Sometimes anal is so good.
Buckle up, guys. This is a long joke.
And, yeah, unfortunately for you,
I'm a sexual being.
Release.
I'm so sorry about them, you guys.
I literally didn't want them here.
Like, I wanted it to be just us.
Sometimes anal is so good.
It's so good that it makes me wonder.
It makes me think
like it's not just some hack.
Like sometimes it's so good.
I'm like, "Oh, it wasn't just some
like, sex hack invented
by homosexuals, like...
three hundred million years ago
or whatever."
Sometimes it's so good
that I start to wonder if, like
the original purpose of the anus
was to be a sex organ
and that the...
shitting, sorry,
is just some weird error...
that we have yet to phase out...
like the appendix, you know?
I think what I'm trying to say,
like on a science level
because in this house,
oh, we believe in science.
If the anus is, in fact,
a highly-functioning sex organ
like any highly-functioning part
of the body
it got that way because of the long,
intricate process of evolution.
So I think what I'm trying to say is,
I think...
the people who weren't
having anal died off.
One of my favorite parts
about being gay
is when I'm no more
than three words into a story
and the person across from me
is like, "I can't."
"So, how are you, John?"
"I'm pretty good."
"I can't with you."
"Where'd she go?"
"You're insane."
"What?"
Something I love to do,
and you guys can do this too
is when someone describes
their apartment as pre-war.
I'll go, "Name that war.
Five, four, three, two, one.
I'll circle back to ten,
nine, eight, seven, six.
Name that war, and five and four
and name that war, and three and two
and name that war, and one."
And they can never name the war.
They do not know the war
of which they speak.
But neither would any of us.
You know? I mean, really.
Like, none of us here
know anything of war, right?
I guess the only war
any of us can really speak to
the streaming wars.
Which side are you on?
I enlisted at HBO Max.
John, you better eat something
before the show.
John, you gotta get your energy up.
Yeah, John, you didn't eat
any lunch, man. It's no joke.
I guess I'm just not that hungry.
John, seriously,
you gotta get you some protein.
Thank you, sweetie,
but I'm totally... Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Thank you, guys. Here I go again.
Here I go. Okay.
Okay...
All right.
Okay. Watch your head.
Thank you.
- You okay, buddy?
- Yeah.
Thanks to you guys.
You want something to eat, pal?
No.
Still no.
- Want some water?
- Even that, no.
How do you let your boyfriend
go to therapy?
And I don't mean in general.
I mean, how do you let them
walk out of the front door?
Like, "Where are you going?
Oh, therapy. Cool." Like...
"Oh, therapy.
Like, have fun." Like...
They're 100 percent
ripping you to shreds.
With the help of a licensed
professional hunty.
It's them and someone
with a master's degree
taking a black light
to your personality.
That's why whenever I knew
my boyfriend had an appointment
like had a session that day,
I'd be like, "Breakfast in bed!"
Right?
You guys, I think just
with everything that's going on
in the world right now,
we should do some Britney, right?
Right?
Let's do Britney. Yeah.
Okay, let's do Britney.
Okay, so here's the deal.
I'm gonna take a request
but I need order
in the fucking court.
We have her whole catalog
ready to go.
It might take a second to lock it in
but I just need like one request,
like...
Oh, yes, pick a Britney song
you love.
"Lucky"!
Any Britney song you wanna hear.
Any Britney...
Any Britney song you wanna hear.
"Hold It Against Me."
And I said
it was a really simple prompt.
I literally said...
I said, I quite simply said,
any Britney song you wanna hear.
- Yes.
- "Toxic."
Okay, so third album.
Third album. Third single.
Who wants to say? Yeah.
"Circus."
It's just funny, 'cause that's
probably like the fifth, sixth album.
So when I say, third album,
I just have to laugh.
You know?
I'm just up here laughing.
Third album. Third single.
"Stronger."
That's the second album.
"I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman."
Okay, we're closer.
We're at the third album.
That was the second single.
- "In The Zone"!
- "Overprotected"!
Let's do "Overprotected."
Do we have that?
Do we have "Overprotected"?
Because my life has been...
Yeah.
I need love...
Yeah.
Okay. Thank you. I love that.
Okay, so can we just lock in the key,
so I really...
Can we actually... Sorry.
Can we build the chords
so I really lock it in?
So can y'all do...
Bush...
- Bush
- Bush
- Did
- Did
Nine-Eleven
One more time.
- Bush
- Bush
- Did
- Did
Nine-Eleven
Okay, I'm ready.
Say hello to the girl that I am
You're gonna have to see
Through my perspective
I need to make mistakes
Just to learn who I am
And I don't wanna be
So damn protected
There must be another way
'Cause I believe in taking chances
Who am I to say
What a girl is to do?
God, I need some answers
What am I to do with my life?
You will find it out, don't worry
How am I supposed to know
What's right?
You just gotta do it your way
I can't help the way I feel
But my life has been so overprotected
I'll tell them what I like
What I want, and what I don't
But every time I do
I stand corrected
Things that I've been told
I can't believe what I hear
About the world
I realize I'm overprotected
There must be another way
'Cause I believe in taking chances
But who am I to say
What a girl is to do?
God, I need some answers
What am I to do with my life?
You will find it out, don't worry
How am I supposed to know
What's right?
You just gotta do it your way
I can't help the way I feel
But my life has been so overprotected
I need time
Space
I need love
Need
I don't need nobody telling me
Just what I wanna
What I, what... what I'm gonna
I'm gonna do about my destiny
I say no, no, nobody's telling me
Just what I wanna do, do
I'm so fed up with people telling me
To be someone else but me
How am I supposed to know
What's right?
You just gotta do it your way
Overprotected
Can you talk a little about
how you all started playing together?
We used to do this show
in fucking basements, man
for anyone who would fucking listen.
People used to storm out.
They had seen comedy, sure.
They had seen music. Yeah.
At the same time? Interwoven?
No.
Does anyone want me
to roll them a joint?
- Oh, for sure.
- Yeah.
Oh, puff-puff-pass, man, right?
That's just tobacco.
Bowling is hell.
I'll go there, I'm not afraid.
It's so vulnerable, you know?
Like, the ball is literally too heavy
to pretend to be too cool.
You can't be like, you know,
it would hurt your wrist.
You know,
you have to use your whole body.
It's very gay.
You have to go...
You know?
And by the way,
when you're coming up to do it
suddenly everyone you came with
is now behind you...
staring at your thick
Mark Zuckerberg ass.
The staff's having a ball.
They're like...
Okay, so after all that,
say you do well, it's even worse.
Because I feel like
there's really no...
there's no way to, like, sincerely
celebrate your victories as a bowler
unless you're a professional.
Unless you're in a league, you know,
where you can fully do it
and then, yah, you know?
You know?
But we all bowl
at children's birthday parties.
That's not part
of the social contract.
You know, you look, if you...
if you do what you really
wanted to do.
And so you have to
immediately press it down
to immediately suppress it.
And this is what you have to do.
And I know you know, so, okay,
so I'll do it for you.
You do well, and then
you turn around and you're like...
You have to do a little dance.
It sucks.
And you literally have to pretend to
forget what you just accomplishment.
And you're literally...
you're trying not to smile.
You're like,
"Should I get us more beer?"
"You guys want more beer?"
The corners of your mouth are
quivering from trying not to smile.
And you're 35.
And you're like, "Who is that?"
"Who is that?"
It's hell.
There's this thing that happens
on the iPhone now.
When you download an app,
there's a pop-up.
And it asks a question,
it's not really a question.
They put a little question mark on it
but if you look at the...
on a sentence level
it is a command, okay?
And it says, it's like...
allow app to track activity
across other apps and websites.
It's so confusing.
There are two options.
One of the options is allow.
Allow.
It's one word.
It's a beautiful word, you know.
There are no plosives. No...
You know what I mean? Like...
Like, it's just allow... allow.
You know, so pillowy. Allow.
Allow.
It's like a Clearasil. It's...
Allow. You know?
Neutrogena, maybe, I don't know.
Okay, that's one option.
The other option,
the other option is...
ask app not to track.
Ow, ow. You know?
Ask app not to track.
Ask... wait.
It's so...
Ask app not to track.
It's like, ask app not to track.
It's...
You know Apple poured billions
of dollars into researching
like what is the single
most suicidal sequence
of monosyllabic sounds.
Ask app not to track.
It sucks.
It's like The Birds. You're like...
Because this is the thing.
It's the first option of the two.
And that's by design.
So you're reading the question.
You're like, so confusing.
And you see it like poking up
because it's just under the question.
It's poking up through
and you're like, "No."
And you're trying to make
your ask app not to track
and you see allow, and you're like...
Allow.
And by the way, I do think
that Apple's primary tactic
is just to scare you.
I think it's to terrify you.
But I also think they're doing
something more
kind of subliminal and social.
Like, imagine someone
ever saying that to you.
You know, like it's just at a party
across the room.
Ask app not to track,
like, ask app not to track.
Like...
You can't wrap your mouth around it.
So, like, you know,
I'm trying to put it other voices
like, ask app not to, like...
Ask app not track.
Like, you can't even say it.
Like if someone said that to me,
I'd be like, "Fucking dork."
We're gonna be over here allowing.
Aren't we, girls?
By the way.
They could have just said no.
Don't allow. No.
Wait, so, Paul was left handed?
He's actually right handed.
He just played a left handed bass.
- That's so amazing.
- So cool.
- Yeah, that's one of my favorites.
- Yeah, me too.
- Did you guys see the documentary?
- I haven't seen it yet.
- Can I try?
- Yeah, sure.
Hey, can you hold this?
So, how do you do like a D chord
or whatever?
See that fifth fret here just...
You know, can you just come around
from behind and show me
you know, like in golf, when someone
is trying to teach someone to swing
and then just they're like, fully
wrapped around the other person?
- Sure.
- Yeah.
- Put your hand here. Here.
- Here.
Yeah.
Yeah, looks good.
I feel like I'm not doing it right.
Okay, wait. So it's par-e-diddle.
Oh, I can't do it.
It's right, left, right, right
- left, right, left, left.
- Will you just show me?
But use my hands
like they're your hands.
- Like in golf.
- Yeah.
- Sure.
- Okay.
We did it.
And so jazz is more kind of...
Yeah.
I thought that was jazz.
Don't be shy.
Right there.
So cool.
I'm not sure.
- He's trying for lot of stuff.
- Yeah, I know.
Back off.
Do you guys ever feel like we didn't
learn anything real, in school?
I feel that way sometimes.
But really I do.
I really do feel that way sometimes.
I hate to, like, average us out
to the same generation
but I'm going to
for the purposes of this next bit.
But...
I don't know. I feel like sometimes
we missed the cut off
for a quality education, you know?
I can't count.
I mean, I can count.
I can count, but like,
when I get to like, 12
thirteen, 14...
A panic really starts to set in,
I'm like, "No..." you know?
Like, I don't know anything
about history.
I know nothing about history.
I do not know what happened, y'all.
I don't know what happened.
I don't know what happened.
I never read any great literature
you know,
like, even the practical stuff
like we didn't have Home EC,
you know, like...
here's what it boils down to for me.
Like, I don't know
how to do my taxes.
But I do know how to, like,
be a badass.
Know what I'm saying?
I feel like they just turned out
a bunch of, like, total badasses.
But the shells of badasses
with no, like, discernible world view
you know, or skills,
you know, like...
Like no one wants
to be a locksmith anymore, you know?
Everyone just wants to make cake pops
or make videos of themselves
making cake pops, you know?
I feel like the only thing
we were really taught
as a generation is just to vamp.
Just hold the floor.
Just keep holding that floor.
Keep talking... You know?
In the boardroom, in the classroom,
in your fucking podcasts
just keep stringing
those words together.
It does not matter
if you don't know what they mean.
Keep talking.
Just keep talking, you know?
We're just a bunch
of used car sales folks.
A bunch of disruptors and creatives
just bumping up into each other.
A bunch of doers and makers roaming
the streets at night, you know.
Okay, yeah.
Now I'll give you that. We're makers.
We're good at making.
Making shit up.
I feel like now when people are like
"Oh, my God,
it's such a small world."
It's like, "Is it?"
Or do we both just go to private
school and now work for Vulture?
I feel like, modern online life
is just kind of toggling
between two emotional states.
One is being so full of rage
and pointing the finger
you know, scolding someone.
And the other
is being so full of rage
and pretending your friend is hot.
And I want to talk
about the second one.
Because there's plenty
of literature on the first.
And we all know the post.
It's something like...
"Growing up gay,
I was taught not to take up space.
As a gay man,
I was told not to celebrate myself.
So this won't come naturally to me.
Bear with me, gang.
But here is a picture of me
with come gutters."
And, you know, it's so outwardly meek
that post, you know.
But the subtext of that post,
the subtext is this.
And we're all so miserable,
but we just line up anyway, you know?
We're like...
Fire emoji...
Yes, mama.
I wish you could see me at home
with my dead-ass eyes.
Like, "Yes, mama."
Go all the way off.
You go to work.
We have to break free.
We have to break free
from this like fire emoji death pact.
I feel like the only...
only kind of form of community
I have these days is my Grindr grid.
And I don't mean the people
on the grid. I mean the grid itself.
You know, it's getting to the point
where I'm like tucking in at night
like turning on the app.
Absolutely no intention of going out
and hooking up or whatever, you know.
And I'm like, "Good night, you guys."
"Good night, John..."
Because, you know,
I've lived in the same neighborhood
for like seven years or something.
Like it's the same 30 gay guys,
like in a mile radius
all of us in our little boxes
like some depraved
Brady bunch like...
I've never asked a neighbor
for sugar.
I've never so much
as even waved at a neighbor.
But I do know that he's uncut.
I feel like
there's no small talk anymore.
You know, like, no one talks
about the weather anymore.
Like, I feel like now
when you step onto an elevator
with a complete stranger moment one,
they're like
"My dad was largely absent.
And I think that's why
I freeze up sexually."
You like...
Okay.
Okay.
The fuck happened to dance?
We used to have Bob Fosse.
You know, his choreography
was so kinky and mysterious.
And he was a household name.
He was on talk shows.
A choreographer in America
was on talk shows.
That can't happen anymore.
What's happening?
I feel like I feel like the only
remaining form of dance
is the pitch choreography
on Shark Tank.
It's, "Sharks I have three..."
Try one...
Try one...
I was in a coffee shop recently
and I saw what I hesitate to describe
as a piece of art.
It was an illustration
of Rick Moranis
and he was holding a piece
of pepperoni pizza.
And that was framed.
And I thought
"Is that all there is?"
You know?
Like when we're loading up
the time capsule
for future inhabitants of Planet E
is this what the millennial
shall put forth?
You know?
Or will it be an illustration
of a taco?
Because I'm sure still seeing
a lot of that.
Still.
Or will it be
a little dancing cheeseburger?
Or will it be a video
of one of the chefs
from the hallowed halls
of Bon Appetit?
Making a lemon-y, garlicy,
crispity, crunchity.
Jammy, cacio-y...
Pepe.
Cacio-y Pepe.
Or will it be an infographic?
You know, with the kind of cloudy
rainbow gradient background
that talks about why your ally ship
is actually performative?
Calling all allies. Performative...
Where are my allies at?
That was performative.
What are we doing?
Or will it be one of our
many contributions as a generation
to the world of advertising?
I don't know if you guys remember.
This Postmates campaign.
It was like three,
maybe four years ago
had a very kind of millennial tone,
millennial aspect.
Like, kind of like...
You know?
There was one that was like,
there's always like
"Don't let breakfast bully you
into putting your pants on."
We get it. Postmates.
And then same campaign,
there was one that was like
"When you want omakase,
but your bras off."
We get it. Postmates.
And then there is one.
And I'm not kidding.
I'm not kidding.
It was in the same campaign.
It was...
I was driving down highways.
It was on giant billboards,
like, it was
by the way,
mass shootings everywhere.
On skyscrapers, giant skyscraper,
painted on huge buildings.
It literally said, "Hate people?
We get it, Postmates."
Are we like that?
Are we like that?
I mean, are we really
just a bunch of, like, hot messes?
Like, "I'm such a mess.
I'm such a...
I ordered cupcakes again.
I took a nap by accident.
All tangled up in the cord. See?"
Are we really a bunch of hot messes
or do they just need us
to be that way?
Our contributions
to language as a generation
we should be tried at The Hague.
The hyperbole alone.
I mean, by the way, I just said
we should be tried at The Hague.
I'm talking
about myself here too, y'all.
But I really do feel like
we lean a lot
on hyperbole as a generation, like...
You know, something like, you know,
"Did you see Tar?
My jaw was on the floor.
I had to hire a TaskRabbit
to come pick it up."
I really feel like we lean
on hyperbole
to compensate for the utter emptiness
of being alive right now.
It's not our fault.
But other saying,
like all the feelings
all the things, all the feels.
I'll have all the things.
I want grant money.
I want grant money to trace
the origins of all the things.
And I don't think you guys are going
to be happy with what I find out.
Human, such an amazing human.
One of my favorite humans.
Fuck off.
Garbage person. Dumpster fire.
Dick Biscuit.
I mean, I can barely say it.
I can barely say, I didn't know
I needed, I didn't like...
This is a collaboration
I didn't know I needed.
I didn't know I needed.
"I hate that word moist.
Moist.
Yeah, I can barely say it. Moist.
I hate the word moist."
An entire generation of people
pretending to hate the word moist.
We have to get serious, you guys.
We have to get serious
before it's too late.
And our gravestones are like,
"Because cancer."
Well, I dreamed I saw the knights
In armor coming
Saying something about a queen
There were peasants singing
And drummers drumming
And the Archers split the tree
There was a fanfare blowing
To the sun
That was floating on the breeze
Look at Mother Nature on the run
In the 21st century
Look at Mother Nature on the run
In the 21st century
I was lying in a burnt up basement
With the full moon in my eyes
I was hoping for a replacement
When the sun bursts through the sky
There was a band playing in my head
And I felt like getting high
I was thinking
About what a friend had said
I was hoping it was a lie
Thinking about what a friend had said
I was hoping it was a lie
Well, I dreamed I saw
The silver spaceship
Flying in the yellow haze of the sun
There were children crying and colors
Flying all around the chosen ones
All in a dream, all in a dream
The loading had begun
Flying Mother Nature's silver seed
To a new home in the sun
Flying Mother Nature's silver seed
To a new home
Sorry can I hear more
Dom and Princess in my monitors?
And in a little more Hess too
in the keys.
Thank you.
- One more time.
- Oh, sorry.
- Hi. Who is that?
- They're from HBO.
Max. Leah, Max... HBO Max.
From HBO Max HR.
- They wanna talk with me?
- Yeah.
I think it is HBO.
Hi.
- Hi, John.
- Hi.
We've received multiple complaints
today about unacceptable conduct.
So we're going to need to talk to you
and other members
of the cast and crew.
Okay.
Hopefully, this won't take up
too much of your time.
My assistant think could head up
the predator team. And...
- Predator team?
- The Predator team. Yes.
The highest priority, really,
as you know here at HBO is a very...
I think we should end the show.
Thank you guys so much for coming.
It's so good, it's so good
It's so good... It's so good
Heaven knows... Heaven knows
Heaven knows, heaven knows
I feel love... I feel love
I feel love... I feel love
I feel loved
I feel loved
I feel loved
Okay, Dominique.
Can you do what I just did?
That melody line. Is that cool?
And then all kind of hulk on top
for that higher harmony.
Okay, cool, let's do that.
Here we go.
Falling free... Falling free
Falling free, falling free
You and me... You and me
You and me, you and me
I feel loved... I feel loved
I feel loved, I feel loved
Dominique.
I feel loved
I feel loved
I feel loved
Okay, let's have Princess.
Let's have Princess.
Okay, so, Princess.
It'll go Dom again, right?
Then, Princess.
You'll kind of do what I just did.
And I'll come upon the highest part.
Let's go!
I got you... I got you
I got you, I got you
What you do... What you do
What you do, what you do
I feel love... I feel love
I feel love, I feel love
I feel love
I feel love
I feel love
I feel love
I feel love
Make some noise
for Michael Hesslein on the keys.
Drew Hart on that nasty bass.
Will Lawrence on the drums!
Princess Fortier on the soprano line.
Dominique Toney on the alto line.
Yazan Fahmawi on the guitar.
My parents!
Release.
Give it up for the Roulette,
tip your bartenders.
Thank you so much.
I'm John Early,
this has been heaven on earth.
I love you. Thank you.
Translator: IYUNO