Just Like Dad (1995) Movie Script
1
It's you here.
Yeah, I'll be right out.
Good.
Stop.
Guess what?
I'll try to sneak up the back door again.
Again?
Big mistake.
Hi, Charley.
Hi, Charley.
Charley, you're just
in time to see how long
Sherwood here can hold
his breath underwater.
Last time under, I think I said a personal
best.
Shut up.
Hey, Charley.
How long can you hold your breath?
I don't know.
I've never timed it.
Maybe it's time we find out.
Wait, wait, wait.
It won't be necessary.
Don't pay them, Charley.
Don't come with me.
Thanks, Charley.
That's real cooperative of you.
Violence is an ugly thing.
Real ugly.
Hey, next week, double.
Are you okay?
Why'd you pay them, Charley?
Well, because next time I go swimming,
I want to be in a pool.
Everything was a good idea.
Sherwood, they were used on her head as a
plunger.
It was a good idea.
I don't know.
I have this theory.
Reptiles like Rex feed on the weekend
defense list.
Our fear is their nourishment.
Cut off the food supply.
They got some real steed.
Sherwood, we're two of the smallest kids
in school.
I mean, we're like walking Smorgasbord
here.
You all right?
I only hope if somebody's been a wimpier
than I skid strands right here.
Nah.
Where'd you get the money?
My dad.
You stole it?
No, I told him about Rex.
He gave it to me to give to him.
He did?
Yeah.
He didn't want to go see their folks or
talk to the principal.
No.
My dad's not there on confrontations.
Oh, Stan, could you give me an evaluation
of this by Wednesday?
No, I don't know.
Sherry Gums, don't look suspicious.
Spiegel?
Peterson?
So,
Spiegel, how's this, uh, Cully leaf-flower
thing to him?
Oh, it was actually just beginning the
evaluation of this one.
That's good luck with that.
Well, thanks.
Can I help you?
Dad!
Hey!
Dad, what's that in your ear?
A ear?
Oh, it's shaving cream.
Yeah, well, some of the guys at work were
certain.
Yeah, it was nothing.
What'd they do?
It was just a joke.
So, where are we going to eat tonight?
They're back to Venus.
I like their french fries.
Yeah, what about Marty's, don't they make
good fries?
Well, the things are curly-cues.
Hey, I like curly-cues.
You can't dip them, Dad.
I mean, you dip and you can catch them all
over your ears.
Use a fork?
You eat broccoli, you use a fork.
Carrots a fork.
But french fries, you eat with your ear.
Well, I didn't know you were so sensitive
about your potatoes.
You have any, uh, bad feelings between you
and onion rings?
Sad.
Hi, guys.
What can I get you?
Well, we're going to have two
cheeseburgers, one medium rare with the
onions, one well-done
with extra pickles, two
orders of straight fries
and two chocolate shakes.
Um, it's in your left pocket.
But you know that.
Well, you waited all this last week.
Your hair was tied back with a red ribbon.
Do you remember my hair?
I'll tell you, this guy, Charlie,
has got a mind, like a steel trap.
I mean, I think he could
even tell us the name
of, I don't know, our old
neighbor's pet goldfish.
Oh, I'm impressed, Charlie.
I couldn't tell you what I had for
breakfast.
Well, I see you use fluff and fold fabric
softener.
Is this some kind of routine?
Well, I was just referring to,
uh, you know, the spot on your uniform
because, you know, fluff and fold,
it uses the soil suspending agent that can
sometimes cause whites to colorize,
and then sometimes they turn blue.
Uh, uh, my dad works in consumer research.
He knows these kind of things.
So, a little bit of bleach will just lift
it right out.
Your wife must love having you around the
house.
My mother's dead.
I'm sorry.
Uh, I better, better get those burgers
started.
So, uh, how was school today?
It was okay.
Did you have another run-in with that,
the what's his name, with the bully?
Rex.
You know, some kids call him Vincent.
Why is that?
Well, because he's the Van Gogh of black
eyes and fat lips.
So, uh, what happened today?
Mom, I paid him like you said.
You did the right thing, Charlie.
I mean, a little money.
Is that worth getting beat up over?
Yeah.
All right, ready?
Yeah.
So, you have to get out of town with four
-to-two-nummy heads.
Mm.
There's only one train,
and there's certain items that
you can bring on certain
items that you cannot bring.
Okay.
All right.
Mr. Simons tells the conductor he's going
to bring pepper, but not so.
And the conductor lets him out.
Hello?
Then, Mr. Hughes says that he is going to
bring an apple, but not an orange.
And it comes up to the turn.
Now, who more of it on the train?
Who will do a little break?
Pepper may not salt.
Mm-hmm.
And apple may not orange.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I think I got it.
I'm going to bring supper, but not lunch.
Oh!
Words with double fingers, you owe me a
quarter.
You know, Charlie, you really shouldn't
tell people your mother died.
Well, you know, death according to Webster
applies to someone who once had function
or usefulness, but no longer does.
Now, mom gave birth to me, so that falls
under function, right?
Mm-hmm.
Well, as for usefulness, she walked out on
us, but we still made out okay.
We have made out okay, haven't we,
Dad?
Yeah.
We've done just fine.
Did Dad lose lots of work in that shaving
crease?
Charlie, I told you, it was nothing.
I know, it was just that, I mean,
we just moved here and both...
Sure was my new best friend and, you know,
he'd be pretty upset if I had to leave.
We're not going to move again over here.
Charlie, we're not going anywhere.
Rapunzel.
What?
The neighbor's goldfish, its name is
Rapunzel.
You're absolutely remarkable.
All right, James, Nate, Lenny,
Colin, Billy, Brett, Justin.
Oh, what?
Cody.
Bobby.
Uh, Bobby.
Yes, not last.
There's only one more spot left.
Get out of here.
Charlie.
Charlie.
Get out of here.
Oh, come on.
Allison.
Why did you put yourself to the
humiliation?
Because I wanted to play.
I have this theory.
Actually, I borrowed it from Darwin.
It's called survival of the fittest.
You see, life is one big competition.
The bigger and stronger species is always
going to help over smaller weaker ones.
Some day, the earth will be absent of all
those who are physically inadequate.
Where are dying breed, Charlie?
It's going to help him, Bobby,
fair and dead, so play.
His theories and textual theories have one
thing in common.
Low poles.
His father was a big football star in
college.
But he's a worse athlete than I am.
It doesn't matter.
You know that big class picnic next
Saturday?
Yeah.
Well, his father's son competition, potato
sack race, took war, things like that.
Yeah, so?
So, last year, Bobby's father cleaned up.
Won all the first place servants.
Now, everyone wants to be his best friend.
There's Samantha.
Oh, she is sure easy on the eyes.
Whistle bait.
Most definitely.
Hey.
She's talking to him.
No.
Samantha's talking to Bobby!
Our lips are moving.
His lips are moving.
Yes, they're talking.
Most definitely.
I can't believe we're actually in our
conversation.
I tried talking to her once.
My dad's a dentist.
She told me go rinse.
Wait till she needs braces.
You're telling me.
Bobby gets to play kickball and talk to
Samantha's sandwich.
Oh, because he and his dad want some
stupid ribbons at last year's picnic.
The world's in a perfect place,
Charlie.
One, two, three, go!
Not concentrating.
Now, look, the secret to the three-legged
race is to function as one.
One mind, one body.
Yeah, but why are we doing this?
I don't know.
I mean, I'll do it again if you like.
Forget it.
It was just an experiment.
I mean, can't we play Monopoly or
something?
Mr. Turk?
Who are you?
My name's Charlie, and I...
I have a business proposition I'd like to
discuss with you.
Yeah?
What kind of business?
Well, I'd like to rent you and your body
of 100% pure steel for an afternoon.
You would, huh?
Well, how much you paying?
My entire life savings.
$22.
Uh-huh.
If that's not enough, we could negotiate a
fee, arrange some sort of installment.
What is it, kids?
Someone picking on you at school,
you want me to go pay me a visit?
Oh, sir.
I want you to be my dad through the father
-son competition at my school pick.
Do I look like I know anything about being
a dad?
You don't really have to be my dad.
I just need to move the competition.
One afternoon, no emotional swings
attached.
So what do you think?
I think you ought to beat it out here
before you get yourself hurt, kid.
Bart, get out here, those plates!
Uh-uh, I'm sorry.
I'm not sorry.
You okay?
Yeah?
What's your name?
Charlie Spiegel.
Nice to meet you, Charlie.
I'm Joe.
Be careful where you step around here.
It's a lot of heavy equipment.
But how much is that weight?
It's about 200 pounds.
Yeah.
But you could change your flat tire,
we're going to use it again.
Hey, Charlie.
Come here.
Look, uh, I know it's
impolite to eavesdrop,
but I overheard your
conversation with the Turk.
You did?
Maybe I can help.
You?
Yeah.
What day is this father-son picnic?
Next Saturday.
Saturday.
Well, it just so
happens I'm available
Saturday and I'd like
to volunteer for the job.
You would?
Yeah.
I found what you're looking for.
I'm getting her exactly what I'm looking
for.
Are you sure?
Sometimes I know I'd be your second
choice.
No, no, you're more than qualified.
You'd be qualified even if half of you
showed up.
Okay.
Okay.
So, uh, can I meet you there?
Sure.
It's at 12 o'clock Tafford Park.
12 o'clock?
Tafford Park.
Got it.
Okay.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Would you like me to pay you in advance?
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you put that in a safe place and
we'll work out something later.
Okay.
Remember, Saturday, 12 o'clock Tafford
Park.
I'll be there.
I won't.
And Charlie?
Uh, yeah, Joe.
And Charlie.
Ah!
I'm okay.
Okay.
Well, well, well, hello, Joe, Joe.
It's been a long time.
What do you think?
You think we surprised him, Crisco?
I would say he looks fairly surprised.
How'd you guys find me?
Well, now you didn't think you could just
slip away and disappear.
Did you, Joe, Joe?
What do you want?
Mr. Turner's in town.
I must see you.
Watch Bimele now, son.
You know, welcoming gift.
What do you think, Crisco?
What do you think?
Chocolate's are very nice.
Ha, ha, ha.
Now don't wait too long.
You know how Mr. Turner hates to be kept
waiting.
Let's go.
I'm hungry.
See you around, Joe, Joe.
Come on.
I've got a couple meatballs down here.
Can't forget it.
Forget it.
What do you mean forget it?
I'm trying to shave off a few pounds.
Can't you come over?
I don't think
so.
And I put the handkerchief here and then
it comes out.
Dad, it's Saturday.
Why are you working?
Well, I'm trying to get a promotion.
Can't wait.
What happened to chewing?
I'm tired of the hurry.
We're going bike riding and I'm going to
show what I'm going to be like.
Well, what?
Who's that?
Yeah, that's the place, paper.
I think I should recommend it for the 4 to
7 age group.
No.
Mm-hmm.
I think I should recommend it for the 4 to
7 age group.
Well, um, I'm really going to go.
Okay, I'll be home about 4.
Bye.
All right.
Let me keep the park on the sidewalk.
Charlie!
Charlie!
Oh, hey, sir, what?
Where's your dad?
Oh, he's meeting me here.
Where are your parents?
My mom's helping out the food and my dad's
over there having a pretty dental floss.
Honey, what do you want to eat?
You're in room 3, sign right here.
You're in room 3, sign right here.
There will be a 3-legged
race between the 4th
and 5th grades and
the 6th and 7th grades.
Uh, followed by the... Ready?
Tug of 4 for the 6th and 7th grades.
Ah, after that, the father and son's
softball game.
So, Charlie, I guess your dad's a no-show.
I'll be here in promise.
Look at the bright side, Charlie.
Now you won't have to go through the
embarrassment of finishing last.
Yeah, I'm sure we've got all this on it
for himself.
Very funny.
Hey, Charlie.
Sorry, I'm late.
This is cute.
Wow.
It's all right, Joyce.
Nope.
It's my dad.
At part!
Concentrate, now, buddy.
You can do it.
There's two down there.
One more.
So, champ, what are you going to do with
all those rabbits?
I don't know.
I've never won anything before.
Except for us spelling the first prize was
a scrabble board.
But this?
You did good.
Thanks.
You know, Joe, there's something I think I
should tell you.
You don't have to.
I know.
You do?
I know.
It just must be tough not having a role
model.
Someone around full time that you can look
up to.
Well, at my size, I don't run into that
problem very often.
You see, the truth is...
Charlie, I want you to know that I didn't
come here today for money.
I came here because I wanted to.
But you have to let me pay.
Put your money away.
Well, if you won't take it, how about I
mow your lawn or do your laundry?
I'm good with laundry.
You don't have to do my laundry.
Look, we had a deal.
I mean, if you don't let me pay,
it'll make me a wilt.
Imagine the psychological effects that
could have on someone my age.
Okay.
We'll work something out.
Okay.
Charlie, is that you?
Hey, there.
How did the bike ride go?
Oh, they're very tired.
Yeah, they lost a really covered ground.
It's almost dark.
Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't call.
Yeah, when I didn't hear, I figured there
just weren't any phones out there.
So, let me say we go outside and give that
three legged thing another try.
No thanks.
Not tonight.
Oh.
All right.
Well, what do you want to do?
Is that any night?
Do you name it?
Checkers, chess, trivial pursuit?
Well, I'm kind of tired.
I think I'll just go to bed.
Great.
Well, if you get hungry later,
I made some turkey sandwiches.
Okay.
Thanks.
Okay.
So, I guess I'll leave you alone and let
you get cleaned up.
Thanks.
Great.
Charlie, want to come to my house?
I'm in a Nintendo.
Forget Nintendo.
Come over to my house like I'm a new big
screen TV.
Come back, guys.
Let him read.
Think about it.
Okay.
Hi, Charlie.
She spoke to me.
Why didn't you say something?
I don't know.
Something happened to the signal between
my brain and my mouth.
Did you see that?
She smiled.
Some of this prince, my homie,
it's working.
It's working.
I have theory.
It's like trickle-down economics, but
instead of money, it's about popularity.
What are you talking about?
You're the one with the cool dad,
right?
Yeah.
Well, I'm the one who's best friends with
the one with the cool dad.
It's a residual effect.
Yeah, whatever.
No, seriously.
Having a dad like yours is like winning
the lottery.
Do you have any idea what
the odds would have been on
us having girlfriends before
the end of the semester?
Well, that's very high, I suppose.
Forget it!
It was so small, you couldn't have
measured the existing technology.
You know, sure, what about my dad?
What is it?
Well, speak up.
Hey, sure, what?
We'll cough it up.
Sorry, I don't have any money.
What?
I forgot.
If I may interject, you boys are making a
big mistake.
Not as big as the one you two are making
if I don't see some cash.
Evidently, you're not off on current
events.
Will you shut up?
Either you, Dirk Boss, get
your grubby hands off us, or
Charlie will have his dad come
in and pound you into next week.
Oh, yeah?
Trash him.
Now we're gonna close.
We won't have to.
I'll initiate a share,
repurchase program
and we'll refinance the
outstanding balance.
That's right.
This is Marty.
I gotta go.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
I'm all finished.
I didn't polish the wheels.
Well, thanks, Charlie.
It sure is a nice office.
Thanks.
You like computers?
Yeah, I might get, uh, we have them at
school.
I used to be scared to death of them.
Now I don't know what I do without it.
How would you like to pick up some extra
spending money?
Is there waxing involved?
No, I actually need my database updated.
Names, addresses, that kind of thing.
Think you can handle it?
Sure, some extra money would be a real
life saver right now.
Great.
Work your own hours, of course.
That is, if it's okay
with your... Aunt.
My aunt, I live with my aunt.
Ah.
She won't mind.
Okay, great.
Let's show you how to use this program.
Okay, but, you were glasses?
No, contacts.
I've been wearing them since I was a kid.
I only use these for small print.
Okay, you'd escape.
Hey, Spiegel.
Got a minute?
Well, let us down.
I remember the other day, the...
the shaving cream.
I just wanted to apologize.
I mean, you know, we were
just trying to... get a few yachts.
It's all live in the place up,
you know.
Anyway, no heart feelings.
Hey, what a guy.
So anyway, we're both up for the same
promotion.
I just thought I'd like you to have this.
What's this?
Well, just call it a... May
the best man win gesture.
Well, I remember how you got the last
promotion.
Well, that's... water
under the bridge.
Wow.
This is a beautiful pen.
You're a beautiful guy, Spiegel.
And, forgive me.
Wow.
Thank you.
Sure.
I'm not such a bad guy after all,
am I?
Go ahead, open it up.
It's got a gold tip.
Yep.
Nice color, Spiegel.
You're killing me, Spiegel.
Okay, how about this?
No, no, that's worse.
Okay, this?
It's okay.
Okay, how about this?
Really good.
Okay, is this better?
That's... Yeah.
And this?
That hit is perfect.
All right.
All set, Charlie.
Thanks.
How about you, Mr. Spiegel?
You ready to trade in those rims of yours?
Yeah.
Yeah, not me.
Why not?
Well, Charlie, you know, I like my
glasses.
I mean... they keep
my nose company.
Oh, no, no.
I'm gonna be sticking with these.
Oh, boy.
This is gonna be great.
Hey, I'm dead.
Is there any money left over for my bond?
Sure, about $150.
Do I have to put it back in the bank?
I told you.
It's your money.
Link.
Uh, Brad.
Charlie.
Excellent, Erin.
Oh, well, if you don't get pet,
I won't play.
Oh, but he had me shilling.
Chuckle Van, remember.
Now, go on.
I'll be right over.
Jojo's here.
Jojo.
It's the matter with you.
You don't come by the hotel?
I figure you're mad at me.
I said to myself, did I do something?
Did I do something that Jojo doesn't want
to see me?
I meant to call.
So serious.
I'm kidding.
You look good, Jojo.
Doesn't he look good?
It's them greens.
You always ate a lot of greens.
You want an ice cream?
No, thanks.
What one?
Yeah, sure.
How about you?
He's not a diet boss.
Hey, hey, you're wasting your time.
Bring him a drumstick and get me one of
those bomb pumps.
Jojo.
Let's take a walk.
I can't get over it.
Fancy car.
Spence of suit.
A new bride.
Feels like just yesterday you were working
for me.
It was three years ago.
You were family, Jojo.
You left to hurt me.
I didn't intend that.
I just needed to get out.
Remember Johnny Bean?
He wanted out.
Now he's taking a dirt nap in some lime
pit.
Now why am I still standing?
The business has changed, Jojo.
Now everything is legal as long as you
give Uncle Sam a taste.
Sabes, shells off your accounts.
Gives me headaches.
I'll tell you how the crooks are.
The accountants and the lawyers,
that's who.
But I paid them a year.
I could finance a full space program.
Excuse me for being impolite, but that's
all you have to do with me.
I'm getting it, Jojo.
You see, my financial team advises me.
I need to make an investment.
Some place where I could wash some bills.
Then they tell me there's this chain of
service stations on the market.
It's really attractive, cash-intense of a
regular Maytag.
The problem is, there's another buyer
who's interested.
I make a call and I find out.
Some hot-shot broker at Beaman is the
point, man.
You!
It's a small world, Jojo.
No, I get it.
So I tell my client to sell you the
company.
And we're square.
And if the deal's right, it tastes like a
pie.
Here's the offer from my lawyers.
A little unnecessary paperwork.
Presented to your client, I guarantee
he'll take it.
I can't do it, Frank.
I'm legit.
You always had smarts, Jojo.
Do the right thing.
There are operations.
Access denied.
Hi.
Hey, I know you.
What are you doing here?
I was just in the neighborhood.
Of course, it took me 18 blocks to get
into the neighborhood.
But, just counting.
Okay, Jojo, I got close foot.
Oh, hi.
Come on in.
Charlie, I want you to meet my wife,
Annie.
Nice to meet you, Charlie.
You do.
Annie, this is my new friend, Charlie.
He's helping me around the office part
-time after school.
Well, it looks like you two could use a
break.
You like hot foot Sundays, Charlie?
Uh-huh.
Um, so, Annie, how did you enjoy me?
I'm there for it.
I was buying a paper bag.
Jo saw me and asked me how.
She didn't even know where you asked her
out.
What if she told you to get lost?
Well, with girls, rejection is part of the
territory.
She had told me to buzz off, walked away,
boarded my plane, no big deal.
And?
And been miserable the rest of my life.
Well, you know, there's this girl that's
grown.
Samantha.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I think she likes me, but I'm not
sure.
You see, you know, she's told beautifully,
you know, where's the trainer?
See, I want to ask her out, but I'm afraid
she'll say no.
Well, Charlie, sometime in life you've got
to take risks.
If you don't, you spend your whole life
wondering, what if?
You know, at my age,
rejection can have devastating
effects on future
personal relationships.
Charlie, relationships are about
chemistry.
If there's chemistry there, everything
works out.
If not, it wasn't meant to be.
Here you go, guys.
Charlie, is that you?
Boy, do you look different.
Good, different or bad, different.
Definitely good, different.
So, Rose, we would like...
Two cheeseburgers, one medium rare with no
onions, one well done with extra pickles,
two straight fries, and two chocolate
shigs.
Right?
Wow.
I've been working on them everything.
Wow.
Hey, Dad, how come you never go out with
women?
I don't go out.
I mean, just, you know, lately I haven't
had any time to go out.
Well, I think that you don't go out on
dates because you're afraid that you'll
fall in love and then she'll leave you
like Mom did.
I haven't been out because...
Because I haven't failed anyone who
interests me, all right?
Do you think Rose is attractive?
Yes.
And nice.
So nice.
Wouldn't you say that
someone's interested in someone
if they find that someone
nice and attractive?
Okay, you win.
But what makes you think she'd be
interested in me?
I know the feeling, Dad.
I'm in the same boat myself.
Yeah?
What boat is that?
A girl at school.
She owns me.
But you know what?
I'm going to walk right up to her tomorrow
and ask her out.
Don't you think you're a little young to
be interested in girls?
Dad, I'm 12.
You eat fruit loops.
Dad, let me give you some advice.
Take risks.
Because if you don't, you're going to go
through your entire life asking, what if?
You're 12 years old, so drink your water.
Oh, I have to go to the bathroom.
Okay, thanks.
Hey, here we go.
Rose.
Can I ask you a question?
Sure.
I was just wondering, I was wondering if
maybe, you know, if maybe, if maybe,
whether the bleach worked well for lifting
that stain.
Yeah, thanks.
It worked like a charm.
Amazing stuff.
Was there anything else?
In... no.
Okay.
Real smooth, sweetheart.
He was 23 when he became the heavyweight
champion of the world.
He knocked out Sonny listed in the first
round.
He was a great champion, who never gave
up.
He even regained his crown three times,
and all along was at the greatest boxer?
He was also a great poet.
I'm the greatest Hersey.
I flow like a butterfly.
I'll stay like a bee.
That's why, when I grow up, I wanna be,
just like... Ali.
I'm the greatest!
I'm the greatest Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
King!
Okay, Connor.
Lily will you pass these out for me?
Yes, please.
Class Lily is handing out a flyer
regarding career night.
Attendance is required, so make sure to
take it home.
Miss Quinn?
Yes, Charlie.
Um, I guess we'll be able to come for
career night.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
The class was looking forward to hearing
him speak.
And this is a major part of your grade.
Yeah.
I feel as bad as you do, something came
up.
Well, suppose I call him, see if I can
persuade him.
Oh, no, you don't have to do that.
I don't mind.
It's a very important night.
You should both be there.
Oh, it's Wednesday night.
I called him Thursday.
Looks like you won't have to make that
call after all.
Samantha?
Yes, Charlie?
Um, Samantha, there's something I got to
ask you.
I worked right up to her and asked her out
and she said yes.
I'm a date?
Who?
Samantha Savage.
You know, the girl at school?
The one that gives my life meaning?
Hey, uh, do you think this girl is going
to be here?
This color brings out my eyes?
Boy, this Samantha must be pretty special
to get you so excited.
Dad, she asked me over for supper.
I've seen guys get excited, but she let
them split the gum off her shoe.
Really?
Now, there's a TV dinner in the oven and
I'll call if it gets late.
Say, uh, bye.
The angel does fried, baked, or mashed?
Rose.
Stan?
Rose could like to take you out.
Now?
If you're involved, I'll understand.
No, no, no, I'm not involved.
Good.
So is that a yes or a no?
Sure.
Hey, Callie, if it's not too much to ask,
could she take our order first?
Fine.
Hey, is this a fly in there?
Yes, I am, sir.
I'm trying to cook by so.
It's just doesn't look right.
It's... it's not the way I want it to be.
My man?
It's exactly like the picture.
No, it doesn't.
You're just saying that.
Oh, not honest.
Tomatoes?
The tomatoes, it needs the tomatoes.
I'm going to go pick some from Mrs.
Tunnell's carnival.
Oh, yeah.
They're just sprayed their whole yard with
pesticides.
Uh-oh.
Well, that's where I got the lettuce.
Oh, I'll get it.
No, wait!
Can I come in?
Yes, please!
Come on in.
Oh, I'll put those on the table.
Oh, thanks, turn.
This is so great.
Ladies and gentlemen...
The pester easy starts.
I very own souffle poof souffree.
Gee, uh, there it, uh...
Looks just like the picture.
It's easy.
Now, to board the
train, there are certain
items you can bring and
certain items you can't.
Now, the object is to find the common
denominator of the things you can bring.
I never heard of this game.
Oh, well, my dad's name is your
cryptographer.
He made it up.
Really?
So, what do you think?
You try it.
Okay.
Okay, give me a second.
Can it be people?
Sure.
All right.
Here it goes.
Mr. Brown says he's going to bring Bert
Reynolds, but not Clint Eastwood,
the conductor lets him on.
Miss Leibowitz brings William Shatner,
but not Leonard DeMoy, and she gets on.
Who are you gonna bring?
Hold her down.
Charlie?
It's me.
Simon's up.
I win.
Well, what was the common denominator?
Actors with bad hair pieces.
Whoa!
She wins.
Amazing.
Wow.
Charlie, all tucked in?
Yeah.
Looks like some great kid you got there.
Well, he thinks you're quite special too.
Thanks.
I guess you two must really miss her.
Who do you mean?
Well, Charlie's mom.
Why do you say that?
There's not a single photograph of her
anywhere.
I guess it hurts too much, having them
around.
Actually, Charlie burned them all.
Oh, sad.
When did she die?
You know, she didn't.
But Charlie said it's... Well,
Charlie tells everybody that.
Why?
Well, because it's less painful than the
truth, actually.
I don't understand.
Well, let's see.
When Charlie was two...
Rita and my ex.
She just decided that the swing set and
the picket fence weren't for her.
We were just getting ready to move into
our first house.
We hadn't even closed escrow.
I came home one night.
I found an empty closet on a note...
and ran off for the real estate broker.
I hope he had the decency to waive his
commission.
Come on.
You have gentle eyes.
Like the month of August.
Really?
You shouldn't hide them.
Better.
And this.
A little better.
Okay, how about this?
Not sure.
Back to that?
Bingo.
Okay, hold on.
It's Rossman.
Eli.
And a good day to you too, sir.
What's up?
Are you sure?
Don't worry about it.
We'll handle it.
You don't look too happy, boss.
Because our boy Joel pulled himself off
the account.
Said he got a conflict of interest,
passed it to an associate.
Try to negotiate in good faith and see
what happens.
Now we're going to have to do things the
old-fashioned way.
Hey, ladies.
What are you?
Get out of my seats.
Move it.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me, girl.
Don't worry, Charlie.
I've got your back.
Now, just tell them that they don't give
us back our lunches.
Your dad will pound them into next week.
Hey, we'd like our lunches back.
Did you hear something?
Well, maybe 300 pounds of solid flesh will
help fix your hearing.
All
right, hold that on there.
That hurt?
No.
That's quite a lip.
You want to tell me about it?
I don't know.
There's this kid at school, Rex.
He sort of has this agreement.
What kind of agreement?
No, I pay him money.
And he agrees not to torture and humiliate
me.
I see.
Now, this Rex, he'd pick on other kids,
too.
Oh, yeah, sure, but mostly my friend's
sure with me.
Supposed to meet him after school tomorrow
at City Park.
Pay off some ticket scalper he owes.
Is this if I don't show him a dead man?
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
I mean, I don't want to pay him yet.
I'm not fond of the sound of cracking
bones.
I'm sort of at an impasse.
Did you tell your aunt?
Well, she just says a little money's worth
getting beat up over.
What would you do if you were me?
Well, Charlie, it's tough.
There are guys like Rex everywhere.
You try to avoid him, but sometimes you
can't.
They won't let you.
Boy, why not that?
So you either got to take their stuff,
or you got to stand up to them.
I always follow the rule.
What rule?
Never give anybody anything they don't
earn.
Once you do, they become like a tick on a
hound.
Sucking and sucking till there's nothing
left of you.
Understand?
Yeah.
Come on.
It's getting late.
Take your home.
How about introducing me to your aunt?
Uh, no, she's not at home sure it's late.
Okay, maybe next time.
Yeah.
Oh, uh, um, Joe?
I almost forgot.
Uh, Wednesday's career
night at school, um, you know,
parents come talk about
what, you know, what they do.
And I was wondering
if... I'll see you there.
Great, uh, uh, how about seven?
Seven's good.
All right, uh, I'll see you there.
Okay, take it easy.
All right, uh, bye-bye, Joe.
Keep bisonin' that lip, huh?
Okay.
Charlie, what happened?
Did someone hit you?
Well, it's just saying my lip has an
allergic reaction to bare knuckles.
Does it hurt?
No, no, no, no.
It looks worse than it feels.
Dad, don't worry your glasses.
Dad, are you wearing contacts?
Yes, I am.
What changed your mind?
Well, I thought that this was probably...
You got this over money, didn't you?
Well, no, actually, back early Saturday.
Is that bully at school, wasn't it?
Yeah, Rex.
Hey, you can feel any, doesn't like me.
Charlie, I'm gonna give you more money
tomorrow, and he'll leave you alone.
No, no, no, I can't.
Why not?
Well, because the next week he'll just
want more, and more to the week after that.
I've made a decision.
I'm not gonna pay him anymore.
Well, Charlie, I mean, fighting doesn't
solve anything.
Well, my daughter is letting a bunch of
bullies kick you around.
If you're wondering your dad, how about we
show them his photo from the family album?
No.
Okay.
What about a document with his bison
measurements?
You can't not arise.
Sir, what do we have to face them alone?
You've got to take a stay up.
The standing part doesn't concern me.
It's the falling down I'm worried about.
Who are all those kids?
Mr. Finney's science class.
They're doing paper on the pain-fresh hold
of male species.
So then, why are they following us?
Field research.
With me, what time do schools usually get
out?
Around three, sir.
Okay, thanks.
Now, I know how Custer felt at Little
Binkhorn.
Our entire class is here.
Hey, me and your hip were more of support.
Hey, Ralphie, what are you guys doing
here?
I came to see the blood bath.
You're a true friend, Ralphie.
We're dead men.
Yep.
Check it out.
I told you to chill.
Well, they shit over.
Today, Spiegel.
I'm not paying you rats.
What did you say?
I said I'm not paying you.
Not I'd nickel, not I'd die.
What is it?
You eat your readers or something today,
little boy?
Look, I owe him.
Now, you pay him or your toast.
Will he pay me or what?
Check his pockets.
Hey, show me now!
Hello, Charlie.
Who are you?
Let's see.
Well, it's the biggest red wood.
It's raw meat and can snap you into like a
red stick.
Charlie's dad.
That's his dad?
Catch your lawyer.
So Rex, what's going on here?
Nothing, really.
We're just horsing around.
Just funny games, right, guys?
Yes, funny games.
Funny games, huh?
So you wouldn't get angry if I did
something like...
Oh, well, I don't know, maybe this?
Spiegel's outlawing?
Yeah, but it's getting turned in with my
name on it.
Oh, gee, Peterson.
Sure, sure.
Here he comes.
Spiegel!
Oh, no specs.
Is that a new look or what?
Can I have my outline back, please?
I haven't seen your outline.
Have you seen his outline?
Sorry.
You're going to try this again?
It's my outline.
Spiegel, that's my outline.
Maybe you should put your glasses back on.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a
promotion to accept.
Peterson?
Look, you're making a mistake.
Give it back now.
Stay away from me, Spiegel.
Well, good morning, up.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Here's that report that I've been working
on.
I certainly hope it meets with your
satisfaction.
Thanks.
That's a lovely tie you've got on,
Mr. Willey.
Oh, you like it?
My niece gave it to me.
Now, that's lovely.
You know, I was hoping that you might just
have a minute.
I've worked very hard on this.
And could you just let me know if my ideas
are going in the right direction?
Mr. Willey?
You!
Hey, yes!
Sorry, Mr. Willey.
Look at me!
What are you trying to do to me?
I didn't do that!
Who else is there?
I don't know.
I didn't do that.
I don't want to be out of here!
Sorry!
I'm out of here!
Where's Janet tonight?
Well, uh, having dinner with a friend.
Thank you.
Oh, looks like he left his light on.
Oh, let me take that in the kitchen.
Thanks.
Career night.
7 o'clock.
After we take a drive.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, but I would like to take a drive.
Would that be okay?
Well, sure.
So it's lines, designs, and a lot of
creativity.
It's architecture.
And that's my job.
Thank you.
Charlie?
I'm Charlie Spiegel, and I'd like to
introduce my dad.
He's an executive vice president at the
brokerage firm of Beeman & Company.
And he works on mergers and acquisitions.
Thank you, and Dan.
Hello.
I'm Charlie's father.
I work at the brokerage house of Beeman &
Company.
As he said, I am a executive vice
president.
Excuse me.
Charlie?
What's going on?
Can I help you, sir?
Yeah, you can help me with what's
happening.
And you are... I'm
Charlie's father.
Charlie?
Yeah.
He's my dad.
You're
telling me this guy's a rumor?
He's got you telling us.
You know, Dan, I'm really sorry.
Look, Charlie, let's take Rose home.
And then we can talk about it,
all right?
You know, I really didn't mean to hurt
you.
I said, let's take Rose home first,
and then we can talk about it.
Okay.
All right, you go upstairs.
I'll be up in a minute.
Mr. Spiegel?
What's going on?
Who are you?
I'm very sorry about what happened.
Can I come in?
What are you trying to do?
Mr. Spiegel, I know this looks terrible,
but it really isn't misunderstanding.
Charlie came to my gym,
looking for someone to
go to a school picnic
with, and I volunteered.
Oh, you volunteered to be his father?
No.
This whole thing
happened because I'm a guy
that walked out in his
own kid a long time ago.
Yeah.
And I guess I felt that by helping Charlie
somehow it would ease my own guilt.
Helping him with what?
I mean, what does he need help with?
I mean, did it ever occur to you how this
might affect me?
Charlie never told me about you.
He said he lived with his aunt.
I don't know why he lied.
Well, obviously he found me unacceptable
and you look like a marvelous alternative.
That doesn't sound like the Charlie I
know.
Can I speak with him a minute?
Not tonight.
He can only deal with
one father at a time,
and tonight he's going
to be dealing with me.
So, for tonight, it's a good evening.
Dad, I'm sorry.
Stop apologizing and try to tell me what
is going on here.
What is it?
Are you ashamed of me?
Because I'm not good at three-legged
racing.
What is it?
Tell me.
What?
Because he's a successful businessman?
Dad, come down, please.
Look, I just wanted to win the race.
I wanted to be more popular.
I wanted to be more liked for a change.
You know, I hate always being the kid
stuck at the end of the bench.
It was only supposed to be for one
afternoon.
Just one some stupid ribbons.
And it got out of it.
All right, all right, Charlie.
Look, see, I have my own qualities.
I can't change who I am.
I mean, all right, I can't run.
I can't.
I'm not... I mean, I'm not big and strong.
I'm not a successful businessman.
I mean...
Obviously, your mother thought I was...
I thought you were proud of me.
Charlie, can I ask you a question?
Yeah, sure.
What kind of slippery,
conniving, reptilian mind comes
up with a scan to bring a
ringer to a school picnic?
Well, sure would I understand if you don't
want to be friends anymore.
Are you kidding?
I'm really mad at him to think of it
myself.
Sure would.
I did a bad thing.
I lied to you.
I liked to Joe, but worst of all,
I hurt my dad.
He won't even talk to you.
There is a bright side to all of this,
you know.
What?
I have this theory.
You're boring.
You live.
You die.
Somewhere in the middle, you get your 15
minutes of fame.
We've had hours, and we're only 12.
Hiya, Charlie.
How you doing?
Hey, let me go!
Hello.
Hello.
Joe, Joe, we got ourselves a situation.
My attorney tells me I'm not getting
dashed.
I told him not to worry that you're a team
player, you'll fix it.
No can do, Mr. Turner.
It's out of my hands.
I anticipated you might play Boy Scout on
this.
I got myself a floater.
Oh, Charlie.
Do the right thing, Joe, no one will get
hurt.
Frank, the company's been sold.
They don't sell it.
Wanna go feisty?
I don't understand.
Charlie's been kidnapped, and we're not
going to the police?
We can't.
They find out we did, they'll disappear
with Charlie.
Why do they want my son?
It's not him they want.
Frank Turner's a gangster.
He runs an elaborate money laundering
scheme.
He uses legitimate companies to wash his
money from his shady ventures.
They kind Uncle Sam doesn't know about.
He wants to buy Dash Lubitz, a company I
represent.
He's using Charlie to get it.
Well, then give it to him.
I can't.
It's been sold.
I knew he wouldn't give up so easy,
so I tried to get something on him.
What's this?
When you acquire a company, you have to
give full disclosure of all your assets.
I wasn't able to access
Frank's files, but I'm
sure that's where he keeps
the second set of books.
I wasn't able to get in, but if I had,
I'd have something to negotiate with.
Well, are the files password protected,
or are they encrypted?
No.
Maybe I could get in?
There's no time.
We got to find out where they're keeping
Charlie.
But they're a million places they could be
keeping him?
Oh, and you got the right compass.
It'll lead you to it.
Easy on the suit, huh?
What's Frank?
You've got to be kidding.
Fingers, you know me.
Yeah.
You know I'm going to hurt you.
Yeah.
All right, give me a couple of bucks.
What's that for?
Aspirin.
I'm calling the police.
No, you can't.
What?
You call the cops, they'll send an army.
These people don't react well in all the
crowds.
Well, how do you know so much about them?
I used to be one of them.
You hear something?
Go check it out.
All
right, bring the keys.
Go.
Move, move.
You'll bring your wallpaper.
Get me the gun.
Nice and easy.
Hi, Jojo.
Hey, Grif.
Grifik, stop!
I've seen this.
Place down the street.
Yeah, nice.
Take it to time.
Yeah, okay, okay, fine.
Right?
Call me back.
Coming back.
15 minutes.
But I'll get within 15 minutes.
I'll test it to you.
Okay.
You get my love to your family.
Hey, Jojo's in the build.
Let's go!
Who am I?
Okay, Ken.
Where are you?
Let's see what you can access.
Mr. Turner.
Jojo's here.
He's somewhere in the build.
What happened?
Get in there.
I'm fine.
Thinkers.
Don't fail me now.
That's us tonight.
Wait, wait, don't do this to me.
Don't do this to me.
Wait.
Why are you here?
Come on.
Let's go.
I just got up here.
I'm staying up here.
Let's see how tough you are, baby.
Enter user name now.
Load Cypher and I.
Here we go.
Break that baby.
Break that baby.
Come on.
And... All right.
Piece of cake.
Bitch.
That's it.
That's it.
That's it.
Seal off the shoe.
He's in the shoe.
Hey, Chris, go!
Seal off the shoe on top.
I don't even remember that.
Hey, Griff, Eddie.
He's in the shoe.
Seal off the bottom.
I'm on level two.
We got the bottom, Kurt.
It's all right.
And... On...
On... On...
On... Yeah.
All there are gee lovers standing by to be
boarded.
Alpha... File...
And...
And...
Now what to... Can you blame?
Oh, Mr. Turner, I've got you now.
Take him out, Joe.
Come on, honey.
He may be Turner.
Take up into your precious files.
That's it.
Great.
Sit down.
I said sit down.
Sit down.
Joe, Joe.
You don't look good.
Not eating enough greens?
Not the kid, go.
And get rid of my insurance policy?
I don't think so.
Come on, Frank.
Do it for all times, Frank.
Don't make me laugh, Joe, Joe.
We're halfway there.
All right.
Let's move those megabytes.
Come on.
Come on.
That's it.
Hey, you.
What's going on?
What do you want?
I told you.
Dash, Lube, I can't give to you.
It's already sold.
That is very disappointing to hear,
Joe, Joe.
Especially when I was acting in good
faith.
It makes me look bad in front of the
stockholders if you know what I mean.
I'm afraid you leave me little choice.
But determining our relationship.
Look what I found.
Dad!
All right, Charlie.
Who are you?
I'm Stan Spiegel.
I'm Charlie's father.
Look what we got here.
Charlie Bronson, Friskam.
Oh, he's clean.
Tell me, Stan, Siegel.
It's Pickle.
What could possibly be
going through that head of
yours to just walk in without
so much as a pea shooter?
Well, Mr. Turner, we each have something
the other person wants.
I've got your kid.
Well, could you possibly have a value that
I would want?
Well, I logged out to your computer.
And because of a certain background that I
happened to have in cryptography,
I was able to access your protected files.
You know, once the Uncle Sam was
interested in it.
And then I sent a copy of the files to a
friend of mine.
In about 20 minutes, he should take the
files to the nearest DA.
You're bluffing.
You couldn't possibly get in.
Well, does the word Hannah rang any bells?
Was Hannah?
That's right.
I've got Hannah.
And I've got your son.
I'll stop the computer now.
Your kid is history.
They're in a safe place.
And if you let us go, nothing happens to
us.
That's where they're going to stay.
Why'd you put the file?
Oh, I sent him to a safe place.
You trust the person you sent him to?
Oh, I think so.
What'd you send him to?
Well, I sent him to myself, actually.
Oh.
Oh, thank you.
Goodbye.
You know, Joe, I'm sorry about,
you know, all this.
Forget about your kid.
Come on, Charlie.
You didn't mean to hurt anybody.
You know, you really ought to go see your
son.
I heard you at the other line.
Well, you know, Charlie, I don't know.
Been 10 years.
I don't think he wants to see me.
You know.
My mom, she left me when I was two.
And I tell everyone she's dead.
But as much as I say, I hate her.
I really would like to see her again.
Well, bye, Joe.
Goodbye, Charlie.
Better.
I'm sorry.
I was only thinking of myself.
And it was very selfish.
Don't worry about it.
Well, we've had a long day.
And we're both tired.
So, let's get some sleep.
Oh, no!
Charlie, we need this today.
Charlie?
The person who I want to be most like when
I grow up.
The person I want to be most like when I
grow up is not a famous athlete.
He didn't hit any home
runs in the bottom of
the night or win a gold
medal at the Olympics.
He's not a famous president.
And he didn't invent anything.
He's not even a celebrity.
The person I want to be
most like when I grow up
is just an average everyday
guy I happen to know.
You see, when his wife left him, he
got stuck raising the kid all on his own.
Which means he got to go to
work to pay the bills and do the
grocery shopping and be on
diaper duty all at the same time.
That you could see how that could cut into
social life.
And it doesn't matter that
he's a terrible cook, of course
I'd never tell him that because
he would hurt his feelings.
But he's still the best person I know
because he does the things that count.
Like paying attention to what his son has
to say.
I don't mean like some grown-up who
pretends to listen to you because you're a
kid, but he makes you feel like he's your
best friend.
You know, someone you can just talk to.
I know the person I just described doesn't
sound like anyone special, but he is to me.
And that's why when I grow up,
I wouldn't be just like my... my dad.
Charlie.
Dad.
I thought you needed this?
Charlie, you don't really hate my cooking,
do you?
We'll talk about that later.
It's you here.
Yeah, I'll be right out.
Good.
Stop.
Guess what?
I'll try to sneak up the back door again.
Again?
Big mistake.
Hi, Charley.
Hi, Charley.
Charley, you're just
in time to see how long
Sherwood here can hold
his breath underwater.
Last time under, I think I said a personal
best.
Shut up.
Hey, Charley.
How long can you hold your breath?
I don't know.
I've never timed it.
Maybe it's time we find out.
Wait, wait, wait.
It won't be necessary.
Don't pay them, Charley.
Don't come with me.
Thanks, Charley.
That's real cooperative of you.
Violence is an ugly thing.
Real ugly.
Hey, next week, double.
Are you okay?
Why'd you pay them, Charley?
Well, because next time I go swimming,
I want to be in a pool.
Everything was a good idea.
Sherwood, they were used on her head as a
plunger.
It was a good idea.
I don't know.
I have this theory.
Reptiles like Rex feed on the weekend
defense list.
Our fear is their nourishment.
Cut off the food supply.
They got some real steed.
Sherwood, we're two of the smallest kids
in school.
I mean, we're like walking Smorgasbord
here.
You all right?
I only hope if somebody's been a wimpier
than I skid strands right here.
Nah.
Where'd you get the money?
My dad.
You stole it?
No, I told him about Rex.
He gave it to me to give to him.
He did?
Yeah.
He didn't want to go see their folks or
talk to the principal.
No.
My dad's not there on confrontations.
Oh, Stan, could you give me an evaluation
of this by Wednesday?
No, I don't know.
Sherry Gums, don't look suspicious.
Spiegel?
Peterson?
So,
Spiegel, how's this, uh, Cully leaf-flower
thing to him?
Oh, it was actually just beginning the
evaluation of this one.
That's good luck with that.
Well, thanks.
Can I help you?
Dad!
Hey!
Dad, what's that in your ear?
A ear?
Oh, it's shaving cream.
Yeah, well, some of the guys at work were
certain.
Yeah, it was nothing.
What'd they do?
It was just a joke.
So, where are we going to eat tonight?
They're back to Venus.
I like their french fries.
Yeah, what about Marty's, don't they make
good fries?
Well, the things are curly-cues.
Hey, I like curly-cues.
You can't dip them, Dad.
I mean, you dip and you can catch them all
over your ears.
Use a fork?
You eat broccoli, you use a fork.
Carrots a fork.
But french fries, you eat with your ear.
Well, I didn't know you were so sensitive
about your potatoes.
You have any, uh, bad feelings between you
and onion rings?
Sad.
Hi, guys.
What can I get you?
Well, we're going to have two
cheeseburgers, one medium rare with the
onions, one well-done
with extra pickles, two
orders of straight fries
and two chocolate shakes.
Um, it's in your left pocket.
But you know that.
Well, you waited all this last week.
Your hair was tied back with a red ribbon.
Do you remember my hair?
I'll tell you, this guy, Charlie,
has got a mind, like a steel trap.
I mean, I think he could
even tell us the name
of, I don't know, our old
neighbor's pet goldfish.
Oh, I'm impressed, Charlie.
I couldn't tell you what I had for
breakfast.
Well, I see you use fluff and fold fabric
softener.
Is this some kind of routine?
Well, I was just referring to,
uh, you know, the spot on your uniform
because, you know, fluff and fold,
it uses the soil suspending agent that can
sometimes cause whites to colorize,
and then sometimes they turn blue.
Uh, uh, my dad works in consumer research.
He knows these kind of things.
So, a little bit of bleach will just lift
it right out.
Your wife must love having you around the
house.
My mother's dead.
I'm sorry.
Uh, I better, better get those burgers
started.
So, uh, how was school today?
It was okay.
Did you have another run-in with that,
the what's his name, with the bully?
Rex.
You know, some kids call him Vincent.
Why is that?
Well, because he's the Van Gogh of black
eyes and fat lips.
So, uh, what happened today?
Mom, I paid him like you said.
You did the right thing, Charlie.
I mean, a little money.
Is that worth getting beat up over?
Yeah.
All right, ready?
Yeah.
So, you have to get out of town with four
-to-two-nummy heads.
Mm.
There's only one train,
and there's certain items that
you can bring on certain
items that you cannot bring.
Okay.
All right.
Mr. Simons tells the conductor he's going
to bring pepper, but not so.
And the conductor lets him out.
Hello?
Then, Mr. Hughes says that he is going to
bring an apple, but not an orange.
And it comes up to the turn.
Now, who more of it on the train?
Who will do a little break?
Pepper may not salt.
Mm-hmm.
And apple may not orange.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I think I got it.
I'm going to bring supper, but not lunch.
Oh!
Words with double fingers, you owe me a
quarter.
You know, Charlie, you really shouldn't
tell people your mother died.
Well, you know, death according to Webster
applies to someone who once had function
or usefulness, but no longer does.
Now, mom gave birth to me, so that falls
under function, right?
Mm-hmm.
Well, as for usefulness, she walked out on
us, but we still made out okay.
We have made out okay, haven't we,
Dad?
Yeah.
We've done just fine.
Did Dad lose lots of work in that shaving
crease?
Charlie, I told you, it was nothing.
I know, it was just that, I mean,
we just moved here and both...
Sure was my new best friend and, you know,
he'd be pretty upset if I had to leave.
We're not going to move again over here.
Charlie, we're not going anywhere.
Rapunzel.
What?
The neighbor's goldfish, its name is
Rapunzel.
You're absolutely remarkable.
All right, James, Nate, Lenny,
Colin, Billy, Brett, Justin.
Oh, what?
Cody.
Bobby.
Uh, Bobby.
Yes, not last.
There's only one more spot left.
Get out of here.
Charlie.
Charlie.
Get out of here.
Oh, come on.
Allison.
Why did you put yourself to the
humiliation?
Because I wanted to play.
I have this theory.
Actually, I borrowed it from Darwin.
It's called survival of the fittest.
You see, life is one big competition.
The bigger and stronger species is always
going to help over smaller weaker ones.
Some day, the earth will be absent of all
those who are physically inadequate.
Where are dying breed, Charlie?
It's going to help him, Bobby,
fair and dead, so play.
His theories and textual theories have one
thing in common.
Low poles.
His father was a big football star in
college.
But he's a worse athlete than I am.
It doesn't matter.
You know that big class picnic next
Saturday?
Yeah.
Well, his father's son competition, potato
sack race, took war, things like that.
Yeah, so?
So, last year, Bobby's father cleaned up.
Won all the first place servants.
Now, everyone wants to be his best friend.
There's Samantha.
Oh, she is sure easy on the eyes.
Whistle bait.
Most definitely.
Hey.
She's talking to him.
No.
Samantha's talking to Bobby!
Our lips are moving.
His lips are moving.
Yes, they're talking.
Most definitely.
I can't believe we're actually in our
conversation.
I tried talking to her once.
My dad's a dentist.
She told me go rinse.
Wait till she needs braces.
You're telling me.
Bobby gets to play kickball and talk to
Samantha's sandwich.
Oh, because he and his dad want some
stupid ribbons at last year's picnic.
The world's in a perfect place,
Charlie.
One, two, three, go!
Not concentrating.
Now, look, the secret to the three-legged
race is to function as one.
One mind, one body.
Yeah, but why are we doing this?
I don't know.
I mean, I'll do it again if you like.
Forget it.
It was just an experiment.
I mean, can't we play Monopoly or
something?
Mr. Turk?
Who are you?
My name's Charlie, and I...
I have a business proposition I'd like to
discuss with you.
Yeah?
What kind of business?
Well, I'd like to rent you and your body
of 100% pure steel for an afternoon.
You would, huh?
Well, how much you paying?
My entire life savings.
$22.
Uh-huh.
If that's not enough, we could negotiate a
fee, arrange some sort of installment.
What is it, kids?
Someone picking on you at school,
you want me to go pay me a visit?
Oh, sir.
I want you to be my dad through the father
-son competition at my school pick.
Do I look like I know anything about being
a dad?
You don't really have to be my dad.
I just need to move the competition.
One afternoon, no emotional swings
attached.
So what do you think?
I think you ought to beat it out here
before you get yourself hurt, kid.
Bart, get out here, those plates!
Uh-uh, I'm sorry.
I'm not sorry.
You okay?
Yeah?
What's your name?
Charlie Spiegel.
Nice to meet you, Charlie.
I'm Joe.
Be careful where you step around here.
It's a lot of heavy equipment.
But how much is that weight?
It's about 200 pounds.
Yeah.
But you could change your flat tire,
we're going to use it again.
Hey, Charlie.
Come here.
Look, uh, I know it's
impolite to eavesdrop,
but I overheard your
conversation with the Turk.
You did?
Maybe I can help.
You?
Yeah.
What day is this father-son picnic?
Next Saturday.
Saturday.
Well, it just so
happens I'm available
Saturday and I'd like
to volunteer for the job.
You would?
Yeah.
I found what you're looking for.
I'm getting her exactly what I'm looking
for.
Are you sure?
Sometimes I know I'd be your second
choice.
No, no, you're more than qualified.
You'd be qualified even if half of you
showed up.
Okay.
Okay.
So, uh, can I meet you there?
Sure.
It's at 12 o'clock Tafford Park.
12 o'clock?
Tafford Park.
Got it.
Okay.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Would you like me to pay you in advance?
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you put that in a safe place and
we'll work out something later.
Okay.
Remember, Saturday, 12 o'clock Tafford
Park.
I'll be there.
I won't.
And Charlie?
Uh, yeah, Joe.
And Charlie.
Ah!
I'm okay.
Okay.
Well, well, well, hello, Joe, Joe.
It's been a long time.
What do you think?
You think we surprised him, Crisco?
I would say he looks fairly surprised.
How'd you guys find me?
Well, now you didn't think you could just
slip away and disappear.
Did you, Joe, Joe?
What do you want?
Mr. Turner's in town.
I must see you.
Watch Bimele now, son.
You know, welcoming gift.
What do you think, Crisco?
What do you think?
Chocolate's are very nice.
Ha, ha, ha.
Now don't wait too long.
You know how Mr. Turner hates to be kept
waiting.
Let's go.
I'm hungry.
See you around, Joe, Joe.
Come on.
I've got a couple meatballs down here.
Can't forget it.
Forget it.
What do you mean forget it?
I'm trying to shave off a few pounds.
Can't you come over?
I don't think
so.
And I put the handkerchief here and then
it comes out.
Dad, it's Saturday.
Why are you working?
Well, I'm trying to get a promotion.
Can't wait.
What happened to chewing?
I'm tired of the hurry.
We're going bike riding and I'm going to
show what I'm going to be like.
Well, what?
Who's that?
Yeah, that's the place, paper.
I think I should recommend it for the 4 to
7 age group.
No.
Mm-hmm.
I think I should recommend it for the 4 to
7 age group.
Well, um, I'm really going to go.
Okay, I'll be home about 4.
Bye.
All right.
Let me keep the park on the sidewalk.
Charlie!
Charlie!
Oh, hey, sir, what?
Where's your dad?
Oh, he's meeting me here.
Where are your parents?
My mom's helping out the food and my dad's
over there having a pretty dental floss.
Honey, what do you want to eat?
You're in room 3, sign right here.
You're in room 3, sign right here.
There will be a 3-legged
race between the 4th
and 5th grades and
the 6th and 7th grades.
Uh, followed by the... Ready?
Tug of 4 for the 6th and 7th grades.
Ah, after that, the father and son's
softball game.
So, Charlie, I guess your dad's a no-show.
I'll be here in promise.
Look at the bright side, Charlie.
Now you won't have to go through the
embarrassment of finishing last.
Yeah, I'm sure we've got all this on it
for himself.
Very funny.
Hey, Charlie.
Sorry, I'm late.
This is cute.
Wow.
It's all right, Joyce.
Nope.
It's my dad.
At part!
Concentrate, now, buddy.
You can do it.
There's two down there.
One more.
So, champ, what are you going to do with
all those rabbits?
I don't know.
I've never won anything before.
Except for us spelling the first prize was
a scrabble board.
But this?
You did good.
Thanks.
You know, Joe, there's something I think I
should tell you.
You don't have to.
I know.
You do?
I know.
It just must be tough not having a role
model.
Someone around full time that you can look
up to.
Well, at my size, I don't run into that
problem very often.
You see, the truth is...
Charlie, I want you to know that I didn't
come here today for money.
I came here because I wanted to.
But you have to let me pay.
Put your money away.
Well, if you won't take it, how about I
mow your lawn or do your laundry?
I'm good with laundry.
You don't have to do my laundry.
Look, we had a deal.
I mean, if you don't let me pay,
it'll make me a wilt.
Imagine the psychological effects that
could have on someone my age.
Okay.
We'll work something out.
Okay.
Charlie, is that you?
Hey, there.
How did the bike ride go?
Oh, they're very tired.
Yeah, they lost a really covered ground.
It's almost dark.
Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't call.
Yeah, when I didn't hear, I figured there
just weren't any phones out there.
So, let me say we go outside and give that
three legged thing another try.
No thanks.
Not tonight.
Oh.
All right.
Well, what do you want to do?
Is that any night?
Do you name it?
Checkers, chess, trivial pursuit?
Well, I'm kind of tired.
I think I'll just go to bed.
Great.
Well, if you get hungry later,
I made some turkey sandwiches.
Okay.
Thanks.
Okay.
So, I guess I'll leave you alone and let
you get cleaned up.
Thanks.
Great.
Charlie, want to come to my house?
I'm in a Nintendo.
Forget Nintendo.
Come over to my house like I'm a new big
screen TV.
Come back, guys.
Let him read.
Think about it.
Okay.
Hi, Charlie.
She spoke to me.
Why didn't you say something?
I don't know.
Something happened to the signal between
my brain and my mouth.
Did you see that?
She smiled.
Some of this prince, my homie,
it's working.
It's working.
I have theory.
It's like trickle-down economics, but
instead of money, it's about popularity.
What are you talking about?
You're the one with the cool dad,
right?
Yeah.
Well, I'm the one who's best friends with
the one with the cool dad.
It's a residual effect.
Yeah, whatever.
No, seriously.
Having a dad like yours is like winning
the lottery.
Do you have any idea what
the odds would have been on
us having girlfriends before
the end of the semester?
Well, that's very high, I suppose.
Forget it!
It was so small, you couldn't have
measured the existing technology.
You know, sure, what about my dad?
What is it?
Well, speak up.
Hey, sure, what?
We'll cough it up.
Sorry, I don't have any money.
What?
I forgot.
If I may interject, you boys are making a
big mistake.
Not as big as the one you two are making
if I don't see some cash.
Evidently, you're not off on current
events.
Will you shut up?
Either you, Dirk Boss, get
your grubby hands off us, or
Charlie will have his dad come
in and pound you into next week.
Oh, yeah?
Trash him.
Now we're gonna close.
We won't have to.
I'll initiate a share,
repurchase program
and we'll refinance the
outstanding balance.
That's right.
This is Marty.
I gotta go.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
I'm all finished.
I didn't polish the wheels.
Well, thanks, Charlie.
It sure is a nice office.
Thanks.
You like computers?
Yeah, I might get, uh, we have them at
school.
I used to be scared to death of them.
Now I don't know what I do without it.
How would you like to pick up some extra
spending money?
Is there waxing involved?
No, I actually need my database updated.
Names, addresses, that kind of thing.
Think you can handle it?
Sure, some extra money would be a real
life saver right now.
Great.
Work your own hours, of course.
That is, if it's okay
with your... Aunt.
My aunt, I live with my aunt.
Ah.
She won't mind.
Okay, great.
Let's show you how to use this program.
Okay, but, you were glasses?
No, contacts.
I've been wearing them since I was a kid.
I only use these for small print.
Okay, you'd escape.
Hey, Spiegel.
Got a minute?
Well, let us down.
I remember the other day, the...
the shaving cream.
I just wanted to apologize.
I mean, you know, we were
just trying to... get a few yachts.
It's all live in the place up,
you know.
Anyway, no heart feelings.
Hey, what a guy.
So anyway, we're both up for the same
promotion.
I just thought I'd like you to have this.
What's this?
Well, just call it a... May
the best man win gesture.
Well, I remember how you got the last
promotion.
Well, that's... water
under the bridge.
Wow.
This is a beautiful pen.
You're a beautiful guy, Spiegel.
And, forgive me.
Wow.
Thank you.
Sure.
I'm not such a bad guy after all,
am I?
Go ahead, open it up.
It's got a gold tip.
Yep.
Nice color, Spiegel.
You're killing me, Spiegel.
Okay, how about this?
No, no, that's worse.
Okay, this?
It's okay.
Okay, how about this?
Really good.
Okay, is this better?
That's... Yeah.
And this?
That hit is perfect.
All right.
All set, Charlie.
Thanks.
How about you, Mr. Spiegel?
You ready to trade in those rims of yours?
Yeah.
Yeah, not me.
Why not?
Well, Charlie, you know, I like my
glasses.
I mean... they keep
my nose company.
Oh, no, no.
I'm gonna be sticking with these.
Oh, boy.
This is gonna be great.
Hey, I'm dead.
Is there any money left over for my bond?
Sure, about $150.
Do I have to put it back in the bank?
I told you.
It's your money.
Link.
Uh, Brad.
Charlie.
Excellent, Erin.
Oh, well, if you don't get pet,
I won't play.
Oh, but he had me shilling.
Chuckle Van, remember.
Now, go on.
I'll be right over.
Jojo's here.
Jojo.
It's the matter with you.
You don't come by the hotel?
I figure you're mad at me.
I said to myself, did I do something?
Did I do something that Jojo doesn't want
to see me?
I meant to call.
So serious.
I'm kidding.
You look good, Jojo.
Doesn't he look good?
It's them greens.
You always ate a lot of greens.
You want an ice cream?
No, thanks.
What one?
Yeah, sure.
How about you?
He's not a diet boss.
Hey, hey, you're wasting your time.
Bring him a drumstick and get me one of
those bomb pumps.
Jojo.
Let's take a walk.
I can't get over it.
Fancy car.
Spence of suit.
A new bride.
Feels like just yesterday you were working
for me.
It was three years ago.
You were family, Jojo.
You left to hurt me.
I didn't intend that.
I just needed to get out.
Remember Johnny Bean?
He wanted out.
Now he's taking a dirt nap in some lime
pit.
Now why am I still standing?
The business has changed, Jojo.
Now everything is legal as long as you
give Uncle Sam a taste.
Sabes, shells off your accounts.
Gives me headaches.
I'll tell you how the crooks are.
The accountants and the lawyers,
that's who.
But I paid them a year.
I could finance a full space program.
Excuse me for being impolite, but that's
all you have to do with me.
I'm getting it, Jojo.
You see, my financial team advises me.
I need to make an investment.
Some place where I could wash some bills.
Then they tell me there's this chain of
service stations on the market.
It's really attractive, cash-intense of a
regular Maytag.
The problem is, there's another buyer
who's interested.
I make a call and I find out.
Some hot-shot broker at Beaman is the
point, man.
You!
It's a small world, Jojo.
No, I get it.
So I tell my client to sell you the
company.
And we're square.
And if the deal's right, it tastes like a
pie.
Here's the offer from my lawyers.
A little unnecessary paperwork.
Presented to your client, I guarantee
he'll take it.
I can't do it, Frank.
I'm legit.
You always had smarts, Jojo.
Do the right thing.
There are operations.
Access denied.
Hi.
Hey, I know you.
What are you doing here?
I was just in the neighborhood.
Of course, it took me 18 blocks to get
into the neighborhood.
But, just counting.
Okay, Jojo, I got close foot.
Oh, hi.
Come on in.
Charlie, I want you to meet my wife,
Annie.
Nice to meet you, Charlie.
You do.
Annie, this is my new friend, Charlie.
He's helping me around the office part
-time after school.
Well, it looks like you two could use a
break.
You like hot foot Sundays, Charlie?
Uh-huh.
Um, so, Annie, how did you enjoy me?
I'm there for it.
I was buying a paper bag.
Jo saw me and asked me how.
She didn't even know where you asked her
out.
What if she told you to get lost?
Well, with girls, rejection is part of the
territory.
She had told me to buzz off, walked away,
boarded my plane, no big deal.
And?
And been miserable the rest of my life.
Well, you know, there's this girl that's
grown.
Samantha.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I think she likes me, but I'm not
sure.
You see, you know, she's told beautifully,
you know, where's the trainer?
See, I want to ask her out, but I'm afraid
she'll say no.
Well, Charlie, sometime in life you've got
to take risks.
If you don't, you spend your whole life
wondering, what if?
You know, at my age,
rejection can have devastating
effects on future
personal relationships.
Charlie, relationships are about
chemistry.
If there's chemistry there, everything
works out.
If not, it wasn't meant to be.
Here you go, guys.
Charlie, is that you?
Boy, do you look different.
Good, different or bad, different.
Definitely good, different.
So, Rose, we would like...
Two cheeseburgers, one medium rare with no
onions, one well done with extra pickles,
two straight fries, and two chocolate
shigs.
Right?
Wow.
I've been working on them everything.
Wow.
Hey, Dad, how come you never go out with
women?
I don't go out.
I mean, just, you know, lately I haven't
had any time to go out.
Well, I think that you don't go out on
dates because you're afraid that you'll
fall in love and then she'll leave you
like Mom did.
I haven't been out because...
Because I haven't failed anyone who
interests me, all right?
Do you think Rose is attractive?
Yes.
And nice.
So nice.
Wouldn't you say that
someone's interested in someone
if they find that someone
nice and attractive?
Okay, you win.
But what makes you think she'd be
interested in me?
I know the feeling, Dad.
I'm in the same boat myself.
Yeah?
What boat is that?
A girl at school.
She owns me.
But you know what?
I'm going to walk right up to her tomorrow
and ask her out.
Don't you think you're a little young to
be interested in girls?
Dad, I'm 12.
You eat fruit loops.
Dad, let me give you some advice.
Take risks.
Because if you don't, you're going to go
through your entire life asking, what if?
You're 12 years old, so drink your water.
Oh, I have to go to the bathroom.
Okay, thanks.
Hey, here we go.
Rose.
Can I ask you a question?
Sure.
I was just wondering, I was wondering if
maybe, you know, if maybe, if maybe,
whether the bleach worked well for lifting
that stain.
Yeah, thanks.
It worked like a charm.
Amazing stuff.
Was there anything else?
In... no.
Okay.
Real smooth, sweetheart.
He was 23 when he became the heavyweight
champion of the world.
He knocked out Sonny listed in the first
round.
He was a great champion, who never gave
up.
He even regained his crown three times,
and all along was at the greatest boxer?
He was also a great poet.
I'm the greatest Hersey.
I flow like a butterfly.
I'll stay like a bee.
That's why, when I grow up, I wanna be,
just like... Ali.
I'm the greatest!
I'm the greatest Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
Ali!
King!
Okay, Connor.
Lily will you pass these out for me?
Yes, please.
Class Lily is handing out a flyer
regarding career night.
Attendance is required, so make sure to
take it home.
Miss Quinn?
Yes, Charlie.
Um, I guess we'll be able to come for
career night.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
The class was looking forward to hearing
him speak.
And this is a major part of your grade.
Yeah.
I feel as bad as you do, something came
up.
Well, suppose I call him, see if I can
persuade him.
Oh, no, you don't have to do that.
I don't mind.
It's a very important night.
You should both be there.
Oh, it's Wednesday night.
I called him Thursday.
Looks like you won't have to make that
call after all.
Samantha?
Yes, Charlie?
Um, Samantha, there's something I got to
ask you.
I worked right up to her and asked her out
and she said yes.
I'm a date?
Who?
Samantha Savage.
You know, the girl at school?
The one that gives my life meaning?
Hey, uh, do you think this girl is going
to be here?
This color brings out my eyes?
Boy, this Samantha must be pretty special
to get you so excited.
Dad, she asked me over for supper.
I've seen guys get excited, but she let
them split the gum off her shoe.
Really?
Now, there's a TV dinner in the oven and
I'll call if it gets late.
Say, uh, bye.
The angel does fried, baked, or mashed?
Rose.
Stan?
Rose could like to take you out.
Now?
If you're involved, I'll understand.
No, no, no, I'm not involved.
Good.
So is that a yes or a no?
Sure.
Hey, Callie, if it's not too much to ask,
could she take our order first?
Fine.
Hey, is this a fly in there?
Yes, I am, sir.
I'm trying to cook by so.
It's just doesn't look right.
It's... it's not the way I want it to be.
My man?
It's exactly like the picture.
No, it doesn't.
You're just saying that.
Oh, not honest.
Tomatoes?
The tomatoes, it needs the tomatoes.
I'm going to go pick some from Mrs.
Tunnell's carnival.
Oh, yeah.
They're just sprayed their whole yard with
pesticides.
Uh-oh.
Well, that's where I got the lettuce.
Oh, I'll get it.
No, wait!
Can I come in?
Yes, please!
Come on in.
Oh, I'll put those on the table.
Oh, thanks, turn.
This is so great.
Ladies and gentlemen...
The pester easy starts.
I very own souffle poof souffree.
Gee, uh, there it, uh...
Looks just like the picture.
It's easy.
Now, to board the
train, there are certain
items you can bring and
certain items you can't.
Now, the object is to find the common
denominator of the things you can bring.
I never heard of this game.
Oh, well, my dad's name is your
cryptographer.
He made it up.
Really?
So, what do you think?
You try it.
Okay.
Okay, give me a second.
Can it be people?
Sure.
All right.
Here it goes.
Mr. Brown says he's going to bring Bert
Reynolds, but not Clint Eastwood,
the conductor lets him on.
Miss Leibowitz brings William Shatner,
but not Leonard DeMoy, and she gets on.
Who are you gonna bring?
Hold her down.
Charlie?
It's me.
Simon's up.
I win.
Well, what was the common denominator?
Actors with bad hair pieces.
Whoa!
She wins.
Amazing.
Wow.
Charlie, all tucked in?
Yeah.
Looks like some great kid you got there.
Well, he thinks you're quite special too.
Thanks.
I guess you two must really miss her.
Who do you mean?
Well, Charlie's mom.
Why do you say that?
There's not a single photograph of her
anywhere.
I guess it hurts too much, having them
around.
Actually, Charlie burned them all.
Oh, sad.
When did she die?
You know, she didn't.
But Charlie said it's... Well,
Charlie tells everybody that.
Why?
Well, because it's less painful than the
truth, actually.
I don't understand.
Well, let's see.
When Charlie was two...
Rita and my ex.
She just decided that the swing set and
the picket fence weren't for her.
We were just getting ready to move into
our first house.
We hadn't even closed escrow.
I came home one night.
I found an empty closet on a note...
and ran off for the real estate broker.
I hope he had the decency to waive his
commission.
Come on.
You have gentle eyes.
Like the month of August.
Really?
You shouldn't hide them.
Better.
And this.
A little better.
Okay, how about this?
Not sure.
Back to that?
Bingo.
Okay, hold on.
It's Rossman.
Eli.
And a good day to you too, sir.
What's up?
Are you sure?
Don't worry about it.
We'll handle it.
You don't look too happy, boss.
Because our boy Joel pulled himself off
the account.
Said he got a conflict of interest,
passed it to an associate.
Try to negotiate in good faith and see
what happens.
Now we're going to have to do things the
old-fashioned way.
Hey, ladies.
What are you?
Get out of my seats.
Move it.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me, girl.
Don't worry, Charlie.
I've got your back.
Now, just tell them that they don't give
us back our lunches.
Your dad will pound them into next week.
Hey, we'd like our lunches back.
Did you hear something?
Well, maybe 300 pounds of solid flesh will
help fix your hearing.
All
right, hold that on there.
That hurt?
No.
That's quite a lip.
You want to tell me about it?
I don't know.
There's this kid at school, Rex.
He sort of has this agreement.
What kind of agreement?
No, I pay him money.
And he agrees not to torture and humiliate
me.
I see.
Now, this Rex, he'd pick on other kids,
too.
Oh, yeah, sure, but mostly my friend's
sure with me.
Supposed to meet him after school tomorrow
at City Park.
Pay off some ticket scalper he owes.
Is this if I don't show him a dead man?
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
I mean, I don't want to pay him yet.
I'm not fond of the sound of cracking
bones.
I'm sort of at an impasse.
Did you tell your aunt?
Well, she just says a little money's worth
getting beat up over.
What would you do if you were me?
Well, Charlie, it's tough.
There are guys like Rex everywhere.
You try to avoid him, but sometimes you
can't.
They won't let you.
Boy, why not that?
So you either got to take their stuff,
or you got to stand up to them.
I always follow the rule.
What rule?
Never give anybody anything they don't
earn.
Once you do, they become like a tick on a
hound.
Sucking and sucking till there's nothing
left of you.
Understand?
Yeah.
Come on.
It's getting late.
Take your home.
How about introducing me to your aunt?
Uh, no, she's not at home sure it's late.
Okay, maybe next time.
Yeah.
Oh, uh, um, Joe?
I almost forgot.
Uh, Wednesday's career
night at school, um, you know,
parents come talk about
what, you know, what they do.
And I was wondering
if... I'll see you there.
Great, uh, uh, how about seven?
Seven's good.
All right, uh, I'll see you there.
Okay, take it easy.
All right, uh, bye-bye, Joe.
Keep bisonin' that lip, huh?
Okay.
Charlie, what happened?
Did someone hit you?
Well, it's just saying my lip has an
allergic reaction to bare knuckles.
Does it hurt?
No, no, no, no.
It looks worse than it feels.
Dad, don't worry your glasses.
Dad, are you wearing contacts?
Yes, I am.
What changed your mind?
Well, I thought that this was probably...
You got this over money, didn't you?
Well, no, actually, back early Saturday.
Is that bully at school, wasn't it?
Yeah, Rex.
Hey, you can feel any, doesn't like me.
Charlie, I'm gonna give you more money
tomorrow, and he'll leave you alone.
No, no, no, I can't.
Why not?
Well, because the next week he'll just
want more, and more to the week after that.
I've made a decision.
I'm not gonna pay him anymore.
Well, Charlie, I mean, fighting doesn't
solve anything.
Well, my daughter is letting a bunch of
bullies kick you around.
If you're wondering your dad, how about we
show them his photo from the family album?
No.
Okay.
What about a document with his bison
measurements?
You can't not arise.
Sir, what do we have to face them alone?
You've got to take a stay up.
The standing part doesn't concern me.
It's the falling down I'm worried about.
Who are all those kids?
Mr. Finney's science class.
They're doing paper on the pain-fresh hold
of male species.
So then, why are they following us?
Field research.
With me, what time do schools usually get
out?
Around three, sir.
Okay, thanks.
Now, I know how Custer felt at Little
Binkhorn.
Our entire class is here.
Hey, me and your hip were more of support.
Hey, Ralphie, what are you guys doing
here?
I came to see the blood bath.
You're a true friend, Ralphie.
We're dead men.
Yep.
Check it out.
I told you to chill.
Well, they shit over.
Today, Spiegel.
I'm not paying you rats.
What did you say?
I said I'm not paying you.
Not I'd nickel, not I'd die.
What is it?
You eat your readers or something today,
little boy?
Look, I owe him.
Now, you pay him or your toast.
Will he pay me or what?
Check his pockets.
Hey, show me now!
Hello, Charlie.
Who are you?
Let's see.
Well, it's the biggest red wood.
It's raw meat and can snap you into like a
red stick.
Charlie's dad.
That's his dad?
Catch your lawyer.
So Rex, what's going on here?
Nothing, really.
We're just horsing around.
Just funny games, right, guys?
Yes, funny games.
Funny games, huh?
So you wouldn't get angry if I did
something like...
Oh, well, I don't know, maybe this?
Spiegel's outlawing?
Yeah, but it's getting turned in with my
name on it.
Oh, gee, Peterson.
Sure, sure.
Here he comes.
Spiegel!
Oh, no specs.
Is that a new look or what?
Can I have my outline back, please?
I haven't seen your outline.
Have you seen his outline?
Sorry.
You're going to try this again?
It's my outline.
Spiegel, that's my outline.
Maybe you should put your glasses back on.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a
promotion to accept.
Peterson?
Look, you're making a mistake.
Give it back now.
Stay away from me, Spiegel.
Well, good morning, up.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Here's that report that I've been working
on.
I certainly hope it meets with your
satisfaction.
Thanks.
That's a lovely tie you've got on,
Mr. Willey.
Oh, you like it?
My niece gave it to me.
Now, that's lovely.
You know, I was hoping that you might just
have a minute.
I've worked very hard on this.
And could you just let me know if my ideas
are going in the right direction?
Mr. Willey?
You!
Hey, yes!
Sorry, Mr. Willey.
Look at me!
What are you trying to do to me?
I didn't do that!
Who else is there?
I don't know.
I didn't do that.
I don't want to be out of here!
Sorry!
I'm out of here!
Where's Janet tonight?
Well, uh, having dinner with a friend.
Thank you.
Oh, looks like he left his light on.
Oh, let me take that in the kitchen.
Thanks.
Career night.
7 o'clock.
After we take a drive.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, but I would like to take a drive.
Would that be okay?
Well, sure.
So it's lines, designs, and a lot of
creativity.
It's architecture.
And that's my job.
Thank you.
Charlie?
I'm Charlie Spiegel, and I'd like to
introduce my dad.
He's an executive vice president at the
brokerage firm of Beeman & Company.
And he works on mergers and acquisitions.
Thank you, and Dan.
Hello.
I'm Charlie's father.
I work at the brokerage house of Beeman &
Company.
As he said, I am a executive vice
president.
Excuse me.
Charlie?
What's going on?
Can I help you, sir?
Yeah, you can help me with what's
happening.
And you are... I'm
Charlie's father.
Charlie?
Yeah.
He's my dad.
You're
telling me this guy's a rumor?
He's got you telling us.
You know, Dan, I'm really sorry.
Look, Charlie, let's take Rose home.
And then we can talk about it,
all right?
You know, I really didn't mean to hurt
you.
I said, let's take Rose home first,
and then we can talk about it.
Okay.
All right, you go upstairs.
I'll be up in a minute.
Mr. Spiegel?
What's going on?
Who are you?
I'm very sorry about what happened.
Can I come in?
What are you trying to do?
Mr. Spiegel, I know this looks terrible,
but it really isn't misunderstanding.
Charlie came to my gym,
looking for someone to
go to a school picnic
with, and I volunteered.
Oh, you volunteered to be his father?
No.
This whole thing
happened because I'm a guy
that walked out in his
own kid a long time ago.
Yeah.
And I guess I felt that by helping Charlie
somehow it would ease my own guilt.
Helping him with what?
I mean, what does he need help with?
I mean, did it ever occur to you how this
might affect me?
Charlie never told me about you.
He said he lived with his aunt.
I don't know why he lied.
Well, obviously he found me unacceptable
and you look like a marvelous alternative.
That doesn't sound like the Charlie I
know.
Can I speak with him a minute?
Not tonight.
He can only deal with
one father at a time,
and tonight he's going
to be dealing with me.
So, for tonight, it's a good evening.
Dad, I'm sorry.
Stop apologizing and try to tell me what
is going on here.
What is it?
Are you ashamed of me?
Because I'm not good at three-legged
racing.
What is it?
Tell me.
What?
Because he's a successful businessman?
Dad, come down, please.
Look, I just wanted to win the race.
I wanted to be more popular.
I wanted to be more liked for a change.
You know, I hate always being the kid
stuck at the end of the bench.
It was only supposed to be for one
afternoon.
Just one some stupid ribbons.
And it got out of it.
All right, all right, Charlie.
Look, see, I have my own qualities.
I can't change who I am.
I mean, all right, I can't run.
I can't.
I'm not... I mean, I'm not big and strong.
I'm not a successful businessman.
I mean...
Obviously, your mother thought I was...
I thought you were proud of me.
Charlie, can I ask you a question?
Yeah, sure.
What kind of slippery,
conniving, reptilian mind comes
up with a scan to bring a
ringer to a school picnic?
Well, sure would I understand if you don't
want to be friends anymore.
Are you kidding?
I'm really mad at him to think of it
myself.
Sure would.
I did a bad thing.
I lied to you.
I liked to Joe, but worst of all,
I hurt my dad.
He won't even talk to you.
There is a bright side to all of this,
you know.
What?
I have this theory.
You're boring.
You live.
You die.
Somewhere in the middle, you get your 15
minutes of fame.
We've had hours, and we're only 12.
Hiya, Charlie.
How you doing?
Hey, let me go!
Hello.
Hello.
Joe, Joe, we got ourselves a situation.
My attorney tells me I'm not getting
dashed.
I told him not to worry that you're a team
player, you'll fix it.
No can do, Mr. Turner.
It's out of my hands.
I anticipated you might play Boy Scout on
this.
I got myself a floater.
Oh, Charlie.
Do the right thing, Joe, no one will get
hurt.
Frank, the company's been sold.
They don't sell it.
Wanna go feisty?
I don't understand.
Charlie's been kidnapped, and we're not
going to the police?
We can't.
They find out we did, they'll disappear
with Charlie.
Why do they want my son?
It's not him they want.
Frank Turner's a gangster.
He runs an elaborate money laundering
scheme.
He uses legitimate companies to wash his
money from his shady ventures.
They kind Uncle Sam doesn't know about.
He wants to buy Dash Lubitz, a company I
represent.
He's using Charlie to get it.
Well, then give it to him.
I can't.
It's been sold.
I knew he wouldn't give up so easy,
so I tried to get something on him.
What's this?
When you acquire a company, you have to
give full disclosure of all your assets.
I wasn't able to access
Frank's files, but I'm
sure that's where he keeps
the second set of books.
I wasn't able to get in, but if I had,
I'd have something to negotiate with.
Well, are the files password protected,
or are they encrypted?
No.
Maybe I could get in?
There's no time.
We got to find out where they're keeping
Charlie.
But they're a million places they could be
keeping him?
Oh, and you got the right compass.
It'll lead you to it.
Easy on the suit, huh?
What's Frank?
You've got to be kidding.
Fingers, you know me.
Yeah.
You know I'm going to hurt you.
Yeah.
All right, give me a couple of bucks.
What's that for?
Aspirin.
I'm calling the police.
No, you can't.
What?
You call the cops, they'll send an army.
These people don't react well in all the
crowds.
Well, how do you know so much about them?
I used to be one of them.
You hear something?
Go check it out.
All
right, bring the keys.
Go.
Move, move.
You'll bring your wallpaper.
Get me the gun.
Nice and easy.
Hi, Jojo.
Hey, Grif.
Grifik, stop!
I've seen this.
Place down the street.
Yeah, nice.
Take it to time.
Yeah, okay, okay, fine.
Right?
Call me back.
Coming back.
15 minutes.
But I'll get within 15 minutes.
I'll test it to you.
Okay.
You get my love to your family.
Hey, Jojo's in the build.
Let's go!
Who am I?
Okay, Ken.
Where are you?
Let's see what you can access.
Mr. Turner.
Jojo's here.
He's somewhere in the build.
What happened?
Get in there.
I'm fine.
Thinkers.
Don't fail me now.
That's us tonight.
Wait, wait, don't do this to me.
Don't do this to me.
Wait.
Why are you here?
Come on.
Let's go.
I just got up here.
I'm staying up here.
Let's see how tough you are, baby.
Enter user name now.
Load Cypher and I.
Here we go.
Break that baby.
Break that baby.
Come on.
And... All right.
Piece of cake.
Bitch.
That's it.
That's it.
That's it.
Seal off the shoe.
He's in the shoe.
Hey, Chris, go!
Seal off the shoe on top.
I don't even remember that.
Hey, Griff, Eddie.
He's in the shoe.
Seal off the bottom.
I'm on level two.
We got the bottom, Kurt.
It's all right.
And... On...
On... On...
On... Yeah.
All there are gee lovers standing by to be
boarded.
Alpha... File...
And...
And...
Now what to... Can you blame?
Oh, Mr. Turner, I've got you now.
Take him out, Joe.
Come on, honey.
He may be Turner.
Take up into your precious files.
That's it.
Great.
Sit down.
I said sit down.
Sit down.
Joe, Joe.
You don't look good.
Not eating enough greens?
Not the kid, go.
And get rid of my insurance policy?
I don't think so.
Come on, Frank.
Do it for all times, Frank.
Don't make me laugh, Joe, Joe.
We're halfway there.
All right.
Let's move those megabytes.
Come on.
Come on.
That's it.
Hey, you.
What's going on?
What do you want?
I told you.
Dash, Lube, I can't give to you.
It's already sold.
That is very disappointing to hear,
Joe, Joe.
Especially when I was acting in good
faith.
It makes me look bad in front of the
stockholders if you know what I mean.
I'm afraid you leave me little choice.
But determining our relationship.
Look what I found.
Dad!
All right, Charlie.
Who are you?
I'm Stan Spiegel.
I'm Charlie's father.
Look what we got here.
Charlie Bronson, Friskam.
Oh, he's clean.
Tell me, Stan, Siegel.
It's Pickle.
What could possibly be
going through that head of
yours to just walk in without
so much as a pea shooter?
Well, Mr. Turner, we each have something
the other person wants.
I've got your kid.
Well, could you possibly have a value that
I would want?
Well, I logged out to your computer.
And because of a certain background that I
happened to have in cryptography,
I was able to access your protected files.
You know, once the Uncle Sam was
interested in it.
And then I sent a copy of the files to a
friend of mine.
In about 20 minutes, he should take the
files to the nearest DA.
You're bluffing.
You couldn't possibly get in.
Well, does the word Hannah rang any bells?
Was Hannah?
That's right.
I've got Hannah.
And I've got your son.
I'll stop the computer now.
Your kid is history.
They're in a safe place.
And if you let us go, nothing happens to
us.
That's where they're going to stay.
Why'd you put the file?
Oh, I sent him to a safe place.
You trust the person you sent him to?
Oh, I think so.
What'd you send him to?
Well, I sent him to myself, actually.
Oh.
Oh, thank you.
Goodbye.
You know, Joe, I'm sorry about,
you know, all this.
Forget about your kid.
Come on, Charlie.
You didn't mean to hurt anybody.
You know, you really ought to go see your
son.
I heard you at the other line.
Well, you know, Charlie, I don't know.
Been 10 years.
I don't think he wants to see me.
You know.
My mom, she left me when I was two.
And I tell everyone she's dead.
But as much as I say, I hate her.
I really would like to see her again.
Well, bye, Joe.
Goodbye, Charlie.
Better.
I'm sorry.
I was only thinking of myself.
And it was very selfish.
Don't worry about it.
Well, we've had a long day.
And we're both tired.
So, let's get some sleep.
Oh, no!
Charlie, we need this today.
Charlie?
The person who I want to be most like when
I grow up.
The person I want to be most like when I
grow up is not a famous athlete.
He didn't hit any home
runs in the bottom of
the night or win a gold
medal at the Olympics.
He's not a famous president.
And he didn't invent anything.
He's not even a celebrity.
The person I want to be
most like when I grow up
is just an average everyday
guy I happen to know.
You see, when his wife left him, he
got stuck raising the kid all on his own.
Which means he got to go to
work to pay the bills and do the
grocery shopping and be on
diaper duty all at the same time.
That you could see how that could cut into
social life.
And it doesn't matter that
he's a terrible cook, of course
I'd never tell him that because
he would hurt his feelings.
But he's still the best person I know
because he does the things that count.
Like paying attention to what his son has
to say.
I don't mean like some grown-up who
pretends to listen to you because you're a
kid, but he makes you feel like he's your
best friend.
You know, someone you can just talk to.
I know the person I just described doesn't
sound like anyone special, but he is to me.
And that's why when I grow up,
I wouldn't be just like my... my dad.
Charlie.
Dad.
I thought you needed this?
Charlie, you don't really hate my cooking,
do you?
We'll talk about that later.