Kevin Hart: Reality Check (2023) Movie Script
1
Bitch, jump in that,
ha, ha, jump in that fire
Jump in that bitch,
hitting that fire
Jump in that whip
Thumb in that bitch
Come in that bitch, ho
Drumming that, ha, ha,
drumming that bitch
Chopper doing circles
It's a bird, bird
Take him to the party
He's a nerd, pop out
I ain't seen niggas
hit corners
In the motherfucking burbs
Pop out
Done politicking
with the competition
What's the word, yeah
Put that on my mama, nigga,
eight in the process
Nigga tryin' to tippy-toe
through the progress
Tongue-tied when the truth
is an object
What's the pros and the cons
of this next check
Wasn't nobody round,
I was independent
In the '90s, sitting bum
with the windows tinted
Jump in that, ha, ha,
jump in that fire
Jump in that bitch,
hitting that fire
Jump in that whip
Thumb in that bitch
Come in that bitch, ho
Drumming that, ha, ha,
drumming that bitch
Chopper doing circles
It's a bird, bird
Pop out, I ain't seen niggas
hit corners
In the motherfucking burbs
Pop out
Done politicking
with the competition
What's the word, yeah
Put that on my mama, nigga,
eight in the process
Aw, damn.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Y'all see this fucking bat
in my hand.
Bring your ass up to the stage,
I'ma knock
your fucking head off.
I swear to God.
OK?
We're sick of your shit.
We're fighting back.
Don't you come up here.
Knock your goddamn head
to the top of this arena.
Don't you come up here.
We're about to have a good time.
I'm excited.
I'm fucking excited.
All right, listen.
I'ma be up here for a while.
I'ma talk about a lot
of shit while I'm up here.
Some of the shit I say tonight
is gonna be mean.
Let it happen.
Unclench your ass.
Have a good time.
That's why you're here.
I think I want to start off
by talking about people.
That's where I want to start,
'cause I feel like people
are going backwards.
We're taking steps
in the wrong direction.
People don't want
to be themselves anymore.
People are goddamn
losing fucking confidence.
People are trying to change,
shape, and mold
into shit
that doesn't even exist.
I'm talking
about plastic surgery.
Let's get into it.
I want to talk about it.
I want to talk about it.
What the fuck is going on, man?
What the fuck is going on?
Plastic surgery
is at an all-time high.
I don't even know if you know
this, but back in the day,
plastic surgery was a secret.
Like, nobody wanted anybody
to know that they
were getting work done.
It was all nose jobs
and titty jobs.
Nose, titties.
Nose, titties.
Nose, titties.
That's all it was.
Back in the day,
people got mad at they doctor.
You better not say shit about
what happened here today.
Only two people that we knew
that got work done
back in the day
was Dolly Parton
and Michael Jackson.
That's a fucking fact.
Those are the only two people.
Mike showed up
with that new nose.
We knew.
That's not your nose, Mike.
Something happened.
That's not the same nose.
Today it's different.
Everybody's getting work done.
Men, women.
Women have taken it
to a new level, though.
The new shit that the women
are doing is the BBL.
The BBL.
What the fuck?
Jesus Christ.
These bitches look like ants.
That's right.
I said it.
They look like ants.
Somebody's gotta say it.
Somebody's gotta say it.
And if you don't believe me,
I challenge you
to go look
at a picture of an ant
and tell me I'm fucking lying.
Big-ass head, little neck.
Hard chest,
skinny waist, fat ass.
You ever see an ant ass?
Ants got ass.
You ever see an ant ass?
If I was an insect,
I'd fuck an ant.
Swear to God, I'd do it.
Everybody wants change.
Everybody's looking for change.
A friend of mine's got
a huge forehead, right?
One of the worst foreheads I've
ever seen in my fucking life.
Huge.
He told me the other day,
he said, "Kev,
I'm thinking about
getting my forehead reduced."
This is what he said to me.
I couldn't believe
what the fuck I heard.
I said, "What the fuck
you just say to me?"
He said, "I'm thinking about
getting my forehand reduced.
"I already talked to my doctor.
He said he can do it.
"The average forehead
is 4 fingers wide.
"He said I got an 8-to
12-finger situation going on.
But he can flip it down.
He said he can flip it down."
Flip it down?
Nigga, that's not a hat.
What are you talking about?
It's your fucking
forehead, bitch.
What about your brain?
He said,
"Oh, he can push that back.
"He gonna push that back.
Raise my eyes up
so I can see better."
I bet you fucking will.
Everybody wants change.
LeBron James,
real good friend of mine.
Well, he was.
He hasn't heard this joke yet.
We'll see what happens.
We'll see what happens.
I remember in the beginning
of LeBron career,
he was going bald.
His hair was real thin up top.
You could count the hairs
on top of his fucking head.
You know how I know that?
Because I was the one
counting the hairs
on top of his fucking head.
One.
Two-ish-ish.
I didn't see Bron
for, like, three weeks.
I didn't see him,
and I didn't talk to him.
Bron showed up
at a wedding I was at.
He had a head full of hair.
Walked in that bitch
with all this confidence
like I didn't see him
three weeks ago
with the fucking truth
on his goddamn head.
He walked in, he was like,
"What up? What up? What up?
"What up? What up?
What up? What up?
What up? What's going on?"
I said, "What the fuck
is going on with you?
The fuck is that
on your goddamn head?"
People start kicking me.
"Chill, Kev. Chill."
I said, "Get your
fucking feet off of me.
"Ain't no chill.
I want to know what the fuck
that is on Bron head."
I'll tell you what it's not.
I knew what it wasn't.
I knew it wasn't
a goddamn toupee.
I knew that much.
You know how I knew
it wasn't a toupee?
Because they don't
make nigga toupees.
They never have.
They never have.
The fuck is that
on your head, LeBron?
Is it alive?
Is it alive?
Snatch it off right now.
I wanted to.
He's tall. I can't get...
No way I'm getting that,
but you get what I'm saying.
Everybody's looking for change.
I got an email from a guy
I went to high school with,
right?
Email said, "Kev, it's time
for you to get yours."
I open up the email.
It's two pictures in the email.
One picture was a real little
man standing next to a doctor.
He was angry.
Next picture,
that same little man
was taller than the doctor.
He was giving a thumbs-up.
Bottom of the email said,
"Kev, it's time for you
to get yours."
I'm confused.
What the fuck is going on?
I call him.
"Yo, I got your email.
"What the fuck
are you talking about?
What are you trying to say?"
Said, "What do you mean,
what am I trying to say?"
Said, "Exactly what I said.
What is this?
What are you trying to say?"
He said,
"They're giving out height.
Go get you some."
"The fuck you mean,
they giving out height?"
"Exactly what I said.
They're giving out height.
"They're taking the fat
out of people backs,
putting it in their knees."
"They taking the fat
out of people backs,
putting it in their knees."
He said, "Go get rid
of your back fat.
Get yourself some inches."
I said,
"I will do no such thing."
Get rid of my goddamn back fat.
43 years old.
I've been 5'5" my whole life...
5'4 "... 5'2 1/2"
my whole fucking life.
Don't have to do no shit
like that.
You gotta remember, I ain't
been on tour, like, four years.
I can't just walk out
this bitch 6'6"
and not say shit about it.
I just walk out.
What up? What up? What up?
What up? What up?
What up? What up?
What up?
What up?
What's going on?
What the fuck
is going on with you?
Look at his goddamn knees.
What he do to his knees?
Why he got all them holes
in his back?
What the fuck he do to his back?
You know what I want?
I want people to start
thinking shit through.
I want to get back to the times
when people had patience.
You gotta slow down,
start thinking shit through.
Stop acting on impulse.
Let's say
I go get the procedure.
I come out of it with these new
knees and these long-ass legs.
I'm 6'6".
Look at my fucking knees
and these long-ass legs.
But I still got the same arms.
I didn't do shit
to my fucking arms.
I didn't judge it right.
Now I can't put
my hands in my pocket
'cause I done fucked up.
I'm out this bitch
looking like a T. rex,
touching my chest all the time.
Why Kev always
rubbing his chest?
Bitch, 'cause I misjudged it.
I can't get my hands
in my pockets.
You gotta think shit through.
Let's say
I go get the procedure.
I got these goddamn new knees,
long-ass legs.
My fucking frame, look at
my chest and my shoulders.
I'm 6'6", but I still
wear a size 7 sneaker.
I didn't do shit to my feet.
Now I can't support
the new body.
My balance is off.
I look like that thing
that be at the car dealerships,
that man... that air man.
Look at me.
You gotta think shit through.
Stop acting on impulse.
We're in a crazy time right now.
We're in a real crazy time.
By the way, rightfully so.
We've been through a lot.
Pandemic hit us hard.
Pandemic sat us all down
with nothing to do,
gave us nothing
but time to think.
That's when people get weird,
when they fucking think
all goddamn day.
Just thinking about shit
with nothing to do.
That's why a lot of weird shit
happened after the pandemic.
I'ma tell you
the weirdest invention
in my opinion that came
out of the pandemic,
this Metaverse shit.
I don't even know
if you know what it is.
For those who do not know
what the Metaverse is,
I'll do my best
to explain it to you.
The Metaverse was created
for people that don't want
to be here in the real world.
So they can go there
and do shit there
with the people
that don't like them here
but they don't know that
they are who they are there.
That's what the fuck it is,
right?
It's some weird shit.
It's a lot of weird shit
happening in the Metaverse.
There was a story about a woman
who says she got
sexually assaulted
in the Metaverse.
This is real shit.
You can Google this.
This is Googleable information.
Says she got sexually assaulted.
They gave it time and energy.
They interviewed her.
"Are you OK?
How do you feel?"
That's what they said.
"How do you feel?"
Nobody said,
"Bitch, why didn't you
close the laptop, huh?
"Huh?
"Why didn't you take
the headset off?
You just sitting there
letting it happen."
"Make it stop."
Bitch, take the goddamn
headset off.
Close the laptop,
with your stupid ass.
Sitting there taking
a virtual assaulting,
with your stupid as.
You know what I want to do?
I want to get back
to the times when you can
tell people, shut the fuck up.
Sit your dumb ass down.
I want to go back there.
Yeah. Yeah.
I want to go back
to those times.
Shut the fuck up.
Sit your dumb ass down.
We're giving too much
too much attention.
We're entertaining
the crazy way too much.
Let me tell you
something, people.
The crazy are only
going to get crazier.
That's not fiction.
That's a fact.
It's a fact.
You gotta stop
entertaining the shit.
I don't entertain it
personally, right?
I don't.
I really don't, man.
Like, I'ma tell you what.
I feel like I live in the crazy.
I'm in the fucking crazy.
I do.
I really do feel like that.
Like, there's times
where I actually,
like, want to know if I'm crazy
or why I'm not as crazy
as I feel like I should be.
'Cause I've been
through a lot of shit.
On paper, I should
be fucking crazy.
On paper, all the shit
I've been through?
I should be fucking crazy.
And who knows?
Maybe it's coming.
Maybe I got crazy waiting on me.
'Cause you don't expect it.
Nobody plans to be crazy.
It just happens.
Crazy just sneaks up on you.
Look at Will Smith.
He didn't plan that.
That just happened.
What?
He didn't plan that.
It just fucking happened.
"Keep my wife's name
out your motherfucking mouth."
Come on, man.
He didn't fucking plan that.
"Keep my wife's name
out your motherfucking mouth."
He jumped out his goddamn body.
You have any idea how crazy
you gotta be to make
Samuel L. Jackson jump back?
Do you have any idea?
"Keep my wife's name"...
"Say,
what the fuck happening, Jack?
Goddamn."
I'm next.
I know it.
I feel like I'm next.
It's a lot of shit
going on, man.
I'm fucking stressed
the fuck out.
I'm about to pop.
I'm telling y'all ahead of time.
Y'all gonna see me
at a gas station
with my dick in the tank soon.
Something stupid gonna happen.
"Kev, what you doing?"
"Getting gas.
Mind your fucking
business, bitch."
"Keep my wife's name
out your motherfucking mouth."
It's coming.
You know the crazy thing?
I've realized
that I live in the crazy.
Like, I live in Los Angeles.
I feel like Los Angeles
is the craziest place ever.
I call Los Angeles
the land of the lost,
and here's the thing.
It's not the people
from Los Angeles.
They're fine.
It's not them.
It's the people
that move out there,
the people with dreams,
goals, ambitions.
'Cause they want
all this shit to happen.
They move out there,
and then it doesn't happen,
and they go, welp,
it's time to be nuts.
They fucking lose it.
They lose it.
You gotta watch the news
in Los Angeles.
I've never seen
anything like it.
There was a story
on the news about a guy
who was going to Denny's,
putting his dick in people
breakfast at 7:00 a.m.
7:00 a.m., slamming his dick
in people grits.
They call him the dick slammer.
This is true shit.
Fucking up Grand Slams
nationwide.
They reported it live
from Denny's.
There was a news anchor
live in front of Denny's.
He said,
"Welp, he did it again."
What?
"You're at Denny's,
watch your back,
and watch your breakfast."
What?
Telling me I can't eat
breakfast without looking
over my shoulder for stray dick?
Are you kidding me?
It's too much crazy.
The reason why I feel
like honestly I could be
or, like, I have the potential
to be crazy,
'cause I'm around it.
Crazy friends, crazy family.
My brother just got crazy.
It just happened.
He turned 50.
The next day,
the nigga got weird.
He got fucking weird.
Called me with some weird shit.
He's like, "Kev, I'm thinking
about getting a dog.
I'm lonely."
I said, "You should get a dog.
A dog would be good for you."
He's like, "Yeah, but I don't
know if I'd be a good owner.
"You know what I'ma do?
"I'ma act like a dog
for two weeks,
see how that go."
You ever hear somebody you love
say some crazy shit to you
and you don't say nothing back
'cause you hope they say,
"I'm just fucking with you,"
and they never do?
I didn't know what to say.
I just got off the phone.
I was like, "All right.
Well, let me let you go, man.
Hit me when you figure it out."
I just got off the phone.
He called me a week later,
6:00 in the morning.
"Kev, you up?"
I said, "I am now.
What's going on?"
He said, "Ain't shit.
I'm out here walking this dog."
I said, "You got the dog?"
He said, "No, but if I had it,
"this when I'd be walking it.
I'm just trying to see
how it feel."
He said, "I'm mad 'cause
he won't go to the bathroom."
What the fuck is going on?
Now I'm worried,
but it's my brother,
so I don't want
to fuck with him too much.
So I participate.
This is what fucked me up.
I go... I said, "Are you
walking him on grass?"
This is what fucked me up.
I said, "Are you
walking him on grass?"
My brother said,
"Ah, that's what it is.
I'll call you back."
Oh!
Oh!
He's a fucking psychopath!
It's Jeffrey Dahmer
all over again.
The lights are on.
Nobody's home.
A week later, he called me
and said, "Kev,
it's not gonna work.
I'm not getting a dog."
I said, "Why not?"
He said, "'Cause he got loose.
He ran away."
Do you know how crazy
you gotta be
to lose an imaginary dog?
Do you have any idea
how fucking crazy you gotta be?
I said, "Just act
like he came back.
Pretend like the dog
came back."
He said, "It's not
that easy, Kevin.
"Plus, I just put the signs up
around the neighborhood
trying to see if I get a call."
Oh!
He's a fucking psychopath!
My dad is crazy.
For those who do not know,
I just lost my dad,
like, a week and a half ago.
My dad just passed away.
Not a sad moment.
Don't do that.
We're not gonna make it
a sad moment.
This is a celebration.
Here's why.
Because of what I do
for a living,
I get to fucking let the legend
of my dad live on.
So we talk about my dad.
We celebrate my dad.
OK?
It's a celebration.
For those who have
followed my comedy,
you know I've talked about
my dad throughout my career.
Everything I said is true.
It's all true, all the sayings.
All right, all right, all right.
You gonna learn today.
Long dick.
Say it with your chest.
It's all fucking true.
My dad passed away from COPD,
right?
For those who do not know
what COPD is,
it's like an elevated
version of asthma.
My dad was on oxygen.
He had the tube
hooked up to his nose,
oxygen tank in the corner.
You go over his house,
this is all you saw.
Just a bunch of fucking tube.
He was an old man
that couldn't breathe
that talked shit all day.
That's all he did.
Told the bitch
don't come over here.
My dad thought
everybody had COVID.
Don't let that bitch
in here with COVID.
It's all on the hands.
Look at the hands.
Funny thing about
my dad is that he
still thought he was tough.
My friends would
fuck with him just
to get a reaction out of him.
My friend Wayne said,
"Spoon, I'll come over there
and whup your ass,
knock that oxygen tank over."
My dad got mad.
He said, "Bitch,
say something else.
I'll turn this tank up 20%,
give myself a boost."
He started fucking
with the tank.
20 seconds.
Start the clock right now.
I'll fuck your ass up.
He's a character.
The thing about my dad is,
because he couldn't breathe,
there was a rule.
The rule was,
no surprising my dad.
No surprising him.
He couldn't take it.
It's too much.
He couldn't take.
He couldn't take it.
I saw him almost die
one time, one time.
We was in the kitchen.
The tube got caught
under the stove.
I didn't see it.
I thought he had the hiccups.
I did.
That's what he did.
Fuck wrong with you?
You want some water?
For a second,
for a quick second,
I thought my brother dog
was in there.
For a quick second.
I said, that dog came here.
I think that dog is in here.
Then I realized
he couldn't breathe.
I said, "Oh, shit, Dad,
you can't breathe.
I got you."
I started chasing the tube.
I found a little kink
in the tube this big.
I straightened it out.
I got you, Dad.
You would've thought somebody
shot my dad in the ass
with adrenaline.
I've never seen anybody
take a deeper breath
in my fucking life.
He said, "You see what
the devil tried to do to me?"
Ain't no goddamn devil.
It's too much tube.
I'll talk a lot of shit
about my dad,
but it come
from a place of love.
My dad had good qualities too.
My dad is by far one of the best
nickname givers on the planet.
When it comes
to giving out nicknames,
there's nobody better.
Every nickname that he has given
has lasted a lifetime.
Keep in mind,
everybody wants a nickname.
You just don't have the right
people giving them to you.
Everyone has fucking landed.
Here's a secret.
The secret to giving out
good nicknames
is that they gotta come
from a mean place.
Good nicknames
are mean-spirited.
I got an uncle.
My uncle had a stroke.
His whole left side
is shut down.
His whole left side is dead,
can't move it.
My dad called him Right Foot.
This is a true story.
It's not rocket science.
It's simple.
It was actually too simple.
I said, "Dad, why you
call him Right Foot?"
He said, "You ever see him
move his left?"
"No."
"All right.
"There it is.
There it is."
Called my uncle Right Foot.
He get excited.
"Right foot, what it is?"
"Hey, you already know what the
fuck going on, god damn it."
My uncle turned
into a human typewriter.
Goddamn.
I got an aunt.
I got an aunt.
He calls my aunt Wings.
Wings.
She got that stuff
under her arm.
You know that stuff
that women can't get rid of,
that little piece?
You know what I'm talking about,
that piece that be up
under there?
I never knew why he
called her Wings.
One day, she was
in the kitchen going off.
"Tired of y'all coming over
here, not closing the doors,
eating up all the food."
It was making a bunch of noise.
Pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat.
He tapped me, said, "Kev.
"Look, look, look, look,
look, look, look, look.
"She about to take off.
"Fly, Wings.
Fly."
"Yeah."
I love it when I tell that joke,
'cause I can see some women
in the front grab they arm.
Shut up, Kevin.
Shut up.
You don't even... shut up.
There's only one nickname
that he gave out
that fucked me up a little bit.
One.
He got a little nephew.
Little boy name is Calvin.
My dad called him Crazy Horse.
"Crazy Horse, come here.
Crazy Horse, get over here."
Now, before I go on
with the rest of the joke,
I'ma tell you right now,
hand on the Bible,
swear to God, I had no idea
that this boy was special.
OK?
I did not know.
I'm getting that out the way.
I'm telling you that now,
'cause I don't want you
to think I'm a dickhead
after I say what I say.
I'm still gonna tell you
what the fuck I saw,
but I wanted to get that out.
Kept calling the boy
Crazy Horse.
"Crazy Horse, come here."
"I said, dad, why you keep
calling that boy Crazy Horse?"
He said, "You never
seen him do it?"
I said, "Do what?"
I said, "Do what?"
He said, "Crazy Horse,
come here."
It was quick.
If you blinked, you would
have fucking missed it.
If you blink, I swear to God,
you would've missed it.
"Crazy Horse, come here."
The boy got up, he's like...
Took off.
No!
No!
Can't call that boy
no fucking Crazy Horse.
He said, "Why not?
That's my nephew."
I don't give a fuck who he is.
'Cause of the times, you can't
treat people like that
because of the times.
He got mad, started
adjusting his oxygen tank.
"Yell at me again,
I'll fuck your ass up.
20 seconds.
Start the clock right now."
Crazy Horse.
You know, man, my dad
is such a character.
Like, when I think about
my dad and my brother,
the thing that I've realized now
is that we represent
one generation, right?
We're a generation
of men in our family.
And I'm like, damn, now
I got four kids, two sons.
Holy shit.
That's the next generation.
Had to give myself a reality
check, because I've realized
I don't think I'm doing my job
preparing them
to be a better generation
than what we are.
I'm passing down bad habits.
This is not a hypothetical.
This is a fact.
I know I am.
My bad habits are being
passed down, like my patience.
I don't have patience.
This is one
of my worst qualities.
I get irritated very fast.
Small things make me mad.
This is not a joke.
This is an example,
'cause I want you
to understand what I'm saying.
I don't like it when people eat
and sweat at the same time.
I don't fucking like it.
I don't fucking like it.
Like, if somebody's eating
and while they eat,
they be like, whew.
I'll punch you
in the fucking face.
If I'm there, I swear to God,
I'll punch you
in the fucking face.
Slow down!
Ain't nobody gonna take
that food from you.
Slow down!
Tell you what else I don't like.
You're not gonna like it,
but I'ma tell you anyway.
I've recently realized
that I don't have any patience
for unattractive people.
There. I said it.
That's how I feel.
I know when you first
hear it, it's a blow.
It's a blow at first.
I ask that you stay with me.
OK?
Stay with me until the end.
I feel like they're very needy.
Unattractive people
are very needy.
They always want something.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
You know where I can...
No, I don't.
No.
No. No.
I treat them like fucking cats.
Get your ass out of here.
Get out of here!
You better get!
It's too much.
It's too fucking much.
Let me tell you
where the joke came from
so you don't think
I'm a dick, OK?
I was at the bank, right?
I get done at the bank.
I'm in my car.
I'm about to pull out
the parking lot.
You gotta stop at the little
parking booth, right?
You gotta give the guy
your ticket.
I go to give the guy my ticket.
He slide the glass back,
sticks his head out.
Very unattractive man.
Whatever.
He sees me.
When he saw me, he lost it.
He got excited.
He's like, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh-uh.
Made that ugly-ass face
right in my fucking face.
Kevin Hart in my bank?
You got to be kidding me.
He said, "I'm not letting you
out of here until you
"tell me why you chose us.
Why us?
"Why you bank with us?
Why'd you choose us
as your financial institution?"
I couldn't believe
what the fuck I heard.
I said, "I don't have time
for this shit.
"Press the button.
Let me the fuck out of here.
I don't have time."
He did it again.
Uh-uh, uh-uh-uh, uh-uh.
"I ain't letting you out of
here till you tell me why us.
"Why'd you choose us?
Why us?
Why'd you choose us?"
Kept saying us.
I told you
I don't have any patience.
I fucking lost it.
I snapped.
I said, "Stop saying us.
"You don't got shit to do
with that goddamn bank.
"This parking lot ain't got
shit to do with that bank.
"Hit the button.
Let me the fuck up
out of here."
This when I got mad.
He looked me dead in the eye.
He said, "I got all day,
Kevin Hart.
All day."
I realized he's not playing.
He's not gonna let me out.
I gotta answer
his fucking question.
"OK, fine, you want to know
why I chose this bank?
"Your customer service,
loan rates, free checking.
There you go. That's why.
That's why I chose y'all."
This is what pissed me off.
He goes, "That's all
you had to say,
with your little ugly ass."
I said, "What'd you just say?
The fuck did you
just say to me?"
"Get your ugly ass
out my line."
He hit the button.
I had to pull off.
Now I'm pissed.
I'm not ugly.
You ugly!
Fucking pissed.
I stopped at Chipotle
two blocks up.
It's a long line in Chipotle.
Now I'm even more irritated.
I'm only in this long-ass line
because of that
unattractive-ass conversation.
While I'm standing in line,
the woman behind me goes,
"Oh, my God,
today's such a nice day.
It's so beautiful outside."
I'm about to fucking snap.
I'ma lose it.
I'ma fucking snap.
I'ma turn around.
I'ma let this goddamn woman
have it.
I turn around.
I see her.
This is by far one
of the most attractive women
I've ever seen
in my fucking life.
She was gorgeous.
Immediately, instantly...
I had time.
I had fucking time.
I said, "You know what?
It is a nice day.
It's so nice outside."
I turned into
a fucking weatherman.
I said, "What we need is rain.
We ain't had no rain
in a minute."
She said, "I wasn't even
talking to you."
Turned her back on me.
What the fuck?
Oh, no. No.
That is not acceptable.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
She turned around.
"What?"
Aha!
Ah.
Ah.
I just want...
"I just want to know
what made you choose Chipotle
as your place for lunch today."
She said,
"I'm not telling you that."
I said, "Uh-uh, uh-uh,
uh-uh-uh."
I was the unattractive person
in that conversation.
Guy flipped it on me that fast.
Let me tell you
something, people.
No matter how good
you think you look,
I promise you that you don't
look that fucking good.
I promise you
something will happen
in life to show you that you
don't look that fucking good.
My wife gave me a reality check.
We was in the bed, watching TV.
Commercial came on
with the little monster
from "Lord of the Rings,"
Smeagol.
I think that's his name.
Smeagol, he was doing
this shit right here.
You know the little monster?
That's what he did.
He was doing this shit.
My wife said, "Oh, my God,
babe, you be doing that."
I said, "Bitch,
what did you just say to me?
The fuck did you just say?"
"You be doing that
in the mornings."
"Bitch, I ain't never did
no shit like that
in my goddamn life!"
Called me a fucking monster
to my goddamn face.
Self-esteem was fucking dead
after that.
Crushed my soul.
I'll tell you what really
destroyed my self-esteem,
what destroyed it.
Fan art.
That's right.
Fan art.
The pictures that you
are drawing of me
and have given to me in person.
The nerve of some of you.
Like, listen, I... fuck you.
And I mean that.
Like, I stand on that.
Fuck you,
acting like these pictures
come from a place of love.
It's got to be... it's the most
irritating shit in the world.
You think... let me
show you something.
Put one of them pictures up.
Look at this shit.
Look.
Look at this.
These are real pictures,
by the way.
These are real fucking pictures.
Look at my goddamn mouth.
When did I have a stroke?
Does anybody know
when I had a stroke?
Show another one.
Show another... look.
Look at this shit.
Look at this shit.
Now I'm Frankenstein, huh?
I'm fucking Frankenstein?
Look at my fucking forehead.
Goddamn.
What the fuck?
Look at the next one.
What color am I?
What the fuck color am I?
Cut it off.
I mean, it's just...
It's so much, man.
I'ma tell you who drew, like,
one of the worst pieces
of fan art.
You should know.
Who do you think gave me
one of the worst pieces
of fan art
that I've ever seen?
Think.
No.
No.
Crazy Horse.
Crazy Horse gave me
a picture so bad.
This bitch left
my goddamn body out.
He drew my face and my neck
and then put a boot
underneath it.
Look... look... look at this.
Where the fuck is my body at,
Crazy Horse?
He said,
"You live in the boot."
He took off.
I couldn't catch him.
Son of a bitch.
I'm trying to do things
that actually
work on my levels of patience.
I'm trying to do things
that allow me
time to think for me, right,
like stepping away
from the pack,
giving myself some me time.
I recommend you guys
do it too, right?
Step away from the pack
every once in a while.
Go do some shit for you,
an activity for you.
It's a good stress reliever.
It is.
It really is.
One thing I used to do,
I used to play
a lot of basketball, right?
I would go up to gyms
and just do open runs.
I had to stop going to one gym
because they turned it
into a picture fest.
Everybody wanted
to take fucking pictures.
I ain't here to take pictures.
I'm here to play ball.
I'm not coming back to this gym.
I'll go find another gym,
where they do
three-on-three basketball
Tuesdays and Thursdays,
6:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m.
It's much better.
This where I need to be.
It's more intimate.
Keep in mind,
when I play basketball,
I talk a lot of shit.
Fuck outta here, bitch, ah.
You're too small.
I'll put you in my back pocket,
with your little ass.
You're too fucking small.
Put you right in my back pocket.
I'm about to get buckets.
It's time to eat.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Keep in mind, when I talk shit,
I don't like it
when you don't talk shit back.
You messing up the competitive
nature in the game.
If I talk shit, talk shit back.
We playing three-on-three
basketball.
They treating it like
it's the goddamn NBA.
Calling plays,
setting picks and shit.
It was too much.
We lost.
I quit.
I'm not playing anymore.
I walked out.
There was a sign in the lobby.
The sign in the lobby said,
"Deaf run
Tuesdays and Thursdays,
6:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m."
Yeah, they were deaf.
They didn't hear shit I said.
Now... no, they didn't.
They weren't calling plays.
They were communicating.
They were talking
to one another.
Now, this isn't a joke
about deaf people.
That's not what
the joke is about.
It's about what I looked like.
What the fuck did I
look like back there?
'Cause I know what I was saying.
I'm talking shit.
"Yeah, bitch.
"Yeah, bitch.
Yeah. You're too small.
"Put you in my fucking back
pocket, with your little ass.
"Yeah.
Come on, bitch.
"I'm about to get buckets
of barbecue chicken.
Mmm, mmm, mmm."
That's what I said.
What does that look like
without the volume, hmm?
What does it look like
without the volume?
I just told that man
that I want to eat his ass.
That's what I just said.
I don't want to eat your ass.
That's barbecue chicken, bitch.
Barbecue chicken.
I'm not trying to eat your ass.
Had to leave a note, apologize.
I am working on my shit, man.
Certain things I just can't do
anymore, not like I used to.
I stopped drinking.
I don't drink
as much as I used to.
Not because I had a problem,
just 'cause I'm getting older.
I still drink.
I love to drink.
I have a fucking tequila,
Gran Coramino.
You guys should know
that I love to fucking drink.
That Mino Lino.
You need it in your life.
Trust me.
I just can't drink
the way I used to.
When I was 22, 23 years old,
I'd take shots for days.
Bow, bow, bow.
Dance afterwards.
Yeah, bitch, uh.
43 is different.
It's different at 43.
One shot.
Bow.
Some...
Somebody put something
in my drink.
Somebody trying to do something
to me here tonight.
I'm a blackout drunk too.
I'll black out.
In a heartbeat,
I'll black the fuck out.
Mid-conversation.
What we doing?
We going... we going club...
Hey, we go... everybody...
Everybody go club... we all...
I'm out.
It's a wrap.
I don't like my friends.
These son of a bitches never
take me home when I black out.
They just prop me up in the
corner, keep the party going.
'Cause they need my face
to get into places.
They need my fucking face.
They treat me like Bernie
from "Weekend at Bernie's."
They just keep showing
my face at the door.
Get in there, Kev.
Bitch, I'm dead.
Check my pulse.
My friends are hilarious, man.
I recently had to have
a conversation with my friends.
Had a big conversation
with them.
Had to explain to my friends
that I'm no longer
the friend of old.
I'm no longer the all-for-one,
one-for-all friend.
I'm no longer the "we ride
together, we die together."
I'm no longer the "if one
go down, we all go down."
I'm no longer that friend.
43 years old,
I'm at a point in my life
where I'm not choosing to deal
with the world of bullshit
that comes with my friends.
I no longer want your bullshit.
I'm not embracing it anymore.
I'm at a point in my life...
I'm very serious, very serious.
I'm at a point in my life
where I'll tell on you.
I'll fucking tell.
I told them.
That's where I'm at.
You do something
around me that involves the law
in any way, shape, or form,
I'll fucking tell.
I'll tell.
It doesn't make me
a snitch or a bitch.
You know why?
You know why?
'Cause I'm telling you ahead
of time what the fuck I'll do.
That means I'm giving you
an opportunity
to make better decisions
around me
so that I don't have
to tell on you.
I don't want to have
to fucking tell on you.
They thought I was lying.
I wasn't.
We went to Mexico.
Keep in mind, we fly private,
right?
We go to Mexico.
We're on the plane.
While we're on the plane,
my friends,
they love to bring weed,
love the flower weed.
Go right ahead.
Bring all the fucking weed
you want.
It's all fun and games
until it's not.
I said, I don't
want to hear shit
when we land and them little
Mexican dogs get active,
start sniffing your bags.
I don't want to see you
looking up like you
don't know what the fuck
they smell,
'cause guess what I'ma do.
Guess what I'ma do.
I'ma solve the case.
That's what I'ma do.
I'ma solve the goddamn case.
Oh!
That dog found it, Officer.
That dog got it right there.
Mark, raise your hand
so they know who bag that is.
You probably gotta go with them.
Yeah.
You want him to go with y'all?
Yep, they said you gotta
go with them, Mark.
I'ma solve the goddamn case.
I'll never forget it.
We're on the plane
going to Mexico.
First of all, it's always
the person with the drugs
that's got the worst ideas
in the world.
Always.
That's Joey's stupid ass.
Keep using the word "we."
"This what we gonna do.
"This how we gonna make it work.
"When we get off
the plane, look.
"If they want to go through
your bags, all you gotta do
"is grab the bag
without the drugs.
"If they don't, then grab
the bag with the drugs.
"That's how we get
the drugs through.
We alternate it like that."
Everybody on the plane
was like, "Bet, dope, yeah.
Let's do it."
I said, "That don't work for
me. I don't like that plan.
"I don't fucking like it.
My name on my bag.
"Don't touch my bag.
"You touch my bag, I'll tell.
I'll fucking tell."
I'll never forget it.
This a true story.
We're landing in Mexico.
Plane go down.
I look out the window, looked
like an episode of "Narcos."
I've never seen more Mexican
officers in my goddamn life.
They standing there.
They got the dogs.
I've never seen dogs look
through the window of a plane.
The dogs.
When I saw that,
When I saw the dogs,
I said, "Oh, boy.
"Y'all going to jail.
Y'all going to fucking jail.
They smell it.
The dogs smell it already."
Little Mexican man comes on the
plane after the door go down.
He starts speaking Spanish.
Keep in mind,
I don't know Spanish.
I know a couple words,
and I know the rhythm.
I know the rhythm of Spanish.
For the purpose of this joke,
I'ma hit you with the rhythm.
The reason why is because
I want you to feel like
you were there.
I'm telling you ahead of time
these are not real words, OK?
They're not real words.
It's gonna sound like it,
but it's just a rhythm.
But don't make me laugh,
'cause I gotta stay
in the character.
Don't make me fucking laugh.
So he started off...
He started off calm
and then escalated.
This is exactly what he did, OK?
Dnde, hmm?
Hmm?
Dnde... dnde... dnde est?
Hmm?
He looking right at me.
He looking me dead
in the fucking eye.
He go, "Qu?
Qu?"
I don't know what the fuck
"qu" mean,
but he want an answer.
He looking right at me.
I panicked.
I didn't know
what to fucking do.
I panicked.
I said, "Queso."
I just said it.
I said, "Queso."
I thought about the cheese,
queso cheese.
I don't know what the fuck.
"Queso."
He thought I was being
a smart-ass.
He said, "Oh."
"Queso, ah.
Hmm."
You ever hear Spanish people
talk real fast
and it just sound like
a bunch of clicks?
This is what he said.
Fuck.
This is it.
This is my nightmare.
We going to jail.
I get up.
Ah!
I got my hands up.
I'm cooperating.
We get off the plane.
They got a security booth
right there.
You gotta get in the booth
one by one.
When you get in the booth,
you gotta press a button.
When you press the button,
it go red light or green light.
Let me tell you something
right now.
If you press that button
and you get a red light,
ho, you can cancel Christmas.
It's over for you.
You hear me?
It's over for you.
They get dark as fuck
when you press that button
and it's red.
You press the button
and it's green,
they're a different person.
"Qu pasa?"
Put a fucking hat on you,
start dancing.
You don't want to dance,
but you're scared,
so you do it anyway, ah.
Please don't kill me.
I'm first.
I gotta press
the fucking button.
He looking right at me.
I almost said...
I almost said,
"They got drugs."
I swear to God.
I was fucking nervous.
My stomach was bubbling.
My ass was wet.
I was farting.
It was too much.
I was nervous.
I hit that bitch.
Bow.
Backed up, looked up like
it was the "Wheel of Fortune."
It said red, green,
red, green, red, green.
It stopped on green.
Let me tell you
how childish I am.
When it stopped
on green, I went.
I grabbed my bag.
I didn't look at nobody.
I just walked off the tarmac.
I walked the fuck
off the tarmac.
I saved myself.
I could hear my friends.
They was like, "Kev,
grab the bag with the drugs.
"Get the bag with the drugs.
"Get the bag with the drugs.
Get the bag with the drugs."
I said, "No hable ingles."
"No hable ingles.
"Y'all going to jail.
Jail-io, all y'all."
"I'm going to the resort.
"Maybe I'll see you there.
Maybe I won't.
I didn't bring the drugs.
You did."
That's what I did.
I went to the fucking resort.
I was at that bitch
for two hours by myself.
At that point, I just figured.
You know, I guess
it is what it is.
I don't know.
They all got there in, like,
two hours and 30 minutes.
Nobody went to jail.
Everybody made it through.
Here's why I gotta
do better as a friend,
'cause I'm the first one.
I'm the first person
after everybody gets settled.
Everybody gets situated,
settled,
and everybody's relaxed.
I'm the first one to go,
"Yo.
"Hey.
"Look.
"Yo.
"Let me...
"Let me get a little bit
of that weed.
Where the weed at?"
"We did it!
"We made it through, man.
Teamwork made
the dream work, baby."
"Shut the fuck up, Kev."
"All right, I understand."
My friends are special.
I got a good group, man.
I got a real good group.
I do.
Every time that they have had
to be there,
they've been there.
My friends have never
not been there for me.
There's only one time
where they had to, like,
reel me back,
where I was in too deep
and they had to, like, grab me
and make me get ahold of myself.
This is when social media
in the beginning stages, like,
was getting out of hand
a little bit,
when the live feature
had first started.
You can go live.
You can click
on somebody's live.
The whole world
can watch your live.
Gotta remember,
I got a lot of followers
on social media.
200-some million people.
That shit can go to your head.
I was treating it
like a fucking weapon.
I wish you would tell me
you couldn't do something.
I was snapping,
showing up in restaurants
with no reservation.
Kevin Hart.
I need a table for 25.
Did you call?
Bitch, you want me
to go live right now?
Shut this whole
fucking place down.
Kev, chill.
Shut up, bitch,
before I go live on you.
Everybody back up.
Back the fuck up right now.
Get back.
Everybody get the fuck back
before I go live.
I lost my mind.
What it was is, social media
was getting so negative.
It was way too negative.
I was consuming
too much negativity.
I'ma tell you the video
that really made me back off
social media,
made me put it down.
When you guys leave, I want you
to Google this as well.
This is Googleable as well.
It's a video
of a barista arguing
with a woman in a coffee shop.
She's arguing with the woman
'cause the woman's
not wearing a mask.
Woman without a mask goes,
"Can I get a little cup
of coffee?"
Says, "I can't serve you
'cause you're not
wearing a mask."
She says,
"I just want a little cup."
"Don't matter what you want.
You're not wearing a mask.
I can't give you nothing."
She said, "Come on,
don't be a bitch."
"Don't call me a bitch."
"Well, you being a bitch."
"Fuck you, bitch."
"Fuck you, bitch."
"Dumb bitch."
"Stupid bitch."
"Ho bitch."
"Slut bitch."
Out of nowhere,
the woman without a mask
pulls her pants down,
takes a shit,
starts throwing it
behind the person.
Yeah. Don't believe me?
Google it.
Google it
when you fucking leave.
Now, your reaction
is different from mine.
I was blown away.
I was blown away
by this woman's ability
to shit on command.
I've never seen
anything like it.
She didn't shit on the floor
and pick it up and throw it.
These were individual nuggets.
Bow!
Bow!
Bow!
Three.
Three solid rockets
out of the ass.
You gotta watch
the fucking video.
In the middle of the video,
a Black girl just run by.
"They throwing shit in here."
You can hear her.
"They don't pay me enough
for this shit."
You gotta watch
the fucking video.
Shit that really made me laugh
is the guy taping it,
'cause he in the corner.
You can't see him.
This is what he says.
He goes, "This the best angle
I could get, y'all."
Who asked for this footage, sir?
They're throwing shit in there.
I don't know about y'all,
but if I get hit
with a piece of shit,
my life is over.
It's over for me.
A piece of human shit
to the temple at 7:00 a.m.?
Fuck that.
Fuck that.
Put your dick in my grits.
I'll take dick in grits all day.
Slam your dick in my grits,
Mr. Dick Slammer.
I don't want to get hit
with a piece of shit
in the goddamn temple.
You're never gonna
live that down.
7:00 a.m., you in the best mood
of your fucking life.
Good morning.
How y'all doing?
Hey, Carl, let me get
two vanilla lattes
and two extra pumps of syrup.
Yeah.
You too, man.
I know that's right.
Yeah.
The fuck just happened?
The fuck just happened in here?
Something just hit me
in the fucking head.
What the fuck?
What the fuck is this?
What the fuck
is going on with this?
Now, hold on, now.
Now, hold on.
This better not be what
the fuck I think it is.
This is shit.
Somebody just hit me
with a piece of shit.
You gotta ask the question
you thought you would never
ask in your goddamn life.
Who just threw
that piece of shit at me?
I want to see everybody hands.
If I see shit on anybody hands,
I swear to God.
"Hey, I got grits on my dick.
"That's as far as I go.
I ain't that nasty.
That's nasty, now."
"Throwing shit is disgusting.
"I'll put my dick
in grits all day.
That's where I draw the line."
Social media.
Social media had me fucked up.
Social media had me believing
that I was an activist
for one day.
For one day I, got caught up.
I got caught up bad, man.
This is when the George Floyd
stuff happened.
Black Lives Matter protests
was going on.
I was pissed.
I was emotional.
Went on Twitter,
tweeted some shit.
Sick of this shit.
Tweet.
People start retweeting it.
Fuck yeah, Kev.
Hell yeah, Kev.
That's what I'm talking about.
Talk your shit.
Say it again for the people in
the back that didn't hear you.
Fine, I will.
Tweet.
Hell yeah, Kev.
That's what I'm talking about,
Black man.
Way to talk your shit,
Black man.
Way to be there
for your people, Black king.
He called me a Black king.
I ain't never been called
a Black king before.
Shit went right to my head.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My people need me.
They need me.
Sent out, like,
1,000 fucking tweets.
I was doing a movie
for Universal at the time.
Universal called me.
Whoa.
Whoa.
They're like, "Kev, hey.
"We saw your tweets.
"Listen, first of all,
we're with you.
"OK?
We're your partners.
We're here for you.
We got your back."
By the way, they're talking
to me like this
because they believe
that I'm an activist.
Once again, I'm not an activist.
I'm just caught up in the shit.
When you start the shit,
you can't stop the shit
till you finish the shit.
I'm in the shit.
They said, "Kev, listen.
"You want to take
the company plane,
"go down there
to the memorial service?
"You want to take
your friends, family?
"You can, all right?
We'll send some partners.
"We'll make it
a teachable moment.
"All you gotta do
is say the word.
"Do you want the plane?
Say the word, Kev.
It's yours.
Do you want the plane?"
Fuck yeah, I want the plane.
They gave me the goddamn plane.
This is big.
I show up at the plane.
By the way, I didn't know
what to bring.
I didn't pack any bags.
This is my first activist trip.
I just showed up.
When I get there,
the first two people I see
is Tyrese and Ludacris, right?
First two people.
Yeah.
When I saw them, I knew.
I knew off the bat that this
was a fucking mistake.
"I want to go home."
I said that.
I want to go home.
It don't look right.
Why the fuck they send
the cast of "Fast & Furious"
out this bitch?
It don't look right.
I get on the goddamn plane.
T.I. come out the bathroom.
He looked at me.
He said, "Kev,
you think they got
metal detectors
where we're going?"
I said, "Why the fuck
would you ask me that?"
He said, "'Cause I want to know
if I should bring my bag."
I said, "What's in your bag?
"And before you tell me,
you should know that I'll tell.
"I'll fucking tell.
Ain't got time to deal
with your shit, Tip."
We on the plane,
they want to talk.
I don't want to talk.
I had a long day.
I'm going to sleep.
I wake up, nobody's dressed
the way they were
when I got on the goddamn plane.
Everybody's got on
activist wear.
They're wearing all black.
By the way, nobody told me.
I got a goddamn salmon-colored
V-neck on and some khakis.
Looking like Carlton
in his prime.
Nobody told me.
Tyrese got on the black beret,
black sunglasses,
black turtleneck,
black leather trench coat,
these black cargo pants,
and these combat boots
that came above his knee.
He looked like a male
Mary J. Blige.
I've never seen anything
like it in my fucking life.
I've never seen nothing like it.
Luda had his Afro picked out.
Tip got a fucking jumpsuit on.
It's ridiculous.
We get in an SUV.
We go to the memorial service.
When we pull up,
they outside protesting.
Black people all in the street.
Cops lined up
down the side of the street
with riot gear on.
Black man in the middle
with a bullhorn going off.
Black Lives Matter, and if you
don't think they matter,
then you're part of the problem.
And today we find a solution.
The solution is death.
Every Black person
that showed up here today
is willing to die.
We will all die today.
We don't give a fuck about life.
If you Black and you here,
it's 'cause you came to die.
If you Black and you
in this circle around me,
it's 'cause you ready
to die first.
I look down.
I'm in the fucking circle.
I said, "Wait a minute.
"That's not why I came.
I didn't come for that.
"That's not why I'm here.
"Once again, I don't think
y'all have my email address,
"'cause I'm not getting
these messages.
I'm not getting
these messages."
But I don't want to stop
what they got going on,
so I try to back out the circle
without drawing attention
to myself.
He see me.
He go, "Oh, shit, Kev Hart."
"I see you, Black king.
"Way to come out here
and be with your people.
Say something to your people."
He throw me the bullhorn.
I catch it.
Now I gotta give a speech.
I've never given
an activist speech.
I don't know what the fuck
to say,
but I cannot say nothing.
I have to say something.
Tyrese stupid ass
standing behind me
saying lines
from "Fast & Furious"
in my fucking ear.
"We family,
and we gonna be family."
"What?"
"All we got is family."
"Get the fuck back, Tyrese!"
He gonna back up just like Mary.
Now I gotta give a speech.
You ever say something and
while you're saying something,
you realize you're not
saying nothing
but you gotta keep trying
to say something
even though you know
it's nothing?
That was my fucking speech.
This is my speech word-for-word.
Verbatim, this is my speech.
A'ight.
Y'all already know what it is,
and what it is
is what it's gonna be.
'Cause at the end
of the day, hey.
Come on, now.
Don't make me sad.
1 plus 1 gonna be 2 every day.
I got enemies.
I got a lot of enemies,
but if I tell you a duck could
pull a truck, strap it up.
Shut the fuck up.
I panicked.
I ran out of shit to say.
I panicked.
T.I. got a gun
in his bag right now.
He a repeat offender.
Repeat offender.
I felt bad,
'cause they locked him up.
They locked his ass up
right there.
But at the same time,
I did my job.
That's one less bad person
on the streets.
You're welcome.
I asked God for another chance.
I said, "God, please
give me another chance
to be an activist,
'cause I did that one wrong."
God gave me another chance.
They were doing a peaceful
protest in Beverly Hills.
Black people were marching.
I'm going.
I need to be out there
with my fucking people.
This time, I'ma do it right.
I brought a glove.
I made a sign.
Spent all day
making my goddamn sign.
Put blood, sweat, and tears
into this goddamn sign.
I wanted people to read my sign
and get an immediate feeling
attached to emotion.
I wanted that sign
to have an impact.
Made that sign.
I went out there and marched,
held my sign up high.
I'll never fucking forget it.
Marching.
While I'm marching,
I hear this noise.
Psss.
That's what I heard.
Psss.
When I first heard it,
first thing I thought is,
somebody pissed my dad off.
He giving himself a boost.
That's my dad, right?
He about to fuck somebody up.
20 seconds.
It's going down.
But then somebody
yelled out, "Oh, my God.
"They're throwing
tear gas at us.
Run!"
"What?"
"They throwing tear gas.
Run!"
I see it.
That's real tear gas.
Fuck.
I'm in it.
I'm in the shit.
I start running.
This is real chaos.
This is not a joke.
I'm in the middle of it.
While I'm running,
fucking I'm in there,
the Black guy in the front goes,
"Hey, y'all know the drill.
We ain't new to this.
Mask up.
Put your goggles on."
Ain't nobody tell me to bring...
I don't have no goddamn goggles.
Where I'm supposed
to get goggles?
Once again, I don't think
y'all have my email address.
I'm not getting these messages.
While we running,
Black guy next to me
gets shot with a rubber bullet.
Bow!
I'm right here.
I see it.
Bow!
He said, "Fuck!"
He said...
He looked right at me.
He said...
"I hate this part."
I said, "Excuse me, sir?"
"This part?
Well, how many parts
are there, sir?"
Now I'm fucking scared.
I pick up the pace.
I start running.
I catch up to the Black guy
in the front.
I grab his arm.
I said, "Hey, man. Hey!
"What's the plan?
What's the fucking plan?"
He looked me dead in the eyes.
I'll never forget it.
I said, "What's the plan?"
He said,
"Nigga, you better go home."
I said, "What?"
"Nigga, you better take
your stupid ass home,
"out here running around
in them dumb-ass khakis,
"holding up
that stupid-ass sign.
"What the fuck
does that sign say?
Does that say,
'Black people rock'?"
I said, "Yes, it does."
He said, "What the fuck
that got to do with anything?"
I said, "Mm-mm-mm."
He said,
"Take your stupid ass home
before you get yourself
killed."
I got emotional.
I start crying.
"I can't.
It's not that easy.
I can't just leave.
I can't."
He said, "Why not?"
I said, "Because I don't know
where I parked at.
We been running
for a long time."
I took out my valet ticket.
I gave it to him.
I said, "Can you help me
find my car, please?
"I'll tip you
if you help me find my car.
I'll tip you."
He said, "I don't know
where your fucking car at.
You better ask
one of them niggas over there."
I said, "Excuse me.
"Excuse me.
"Niggas over there,
can y'all help me find my car?"
One of them turned around.
He was Mexican.
He looked at me.
He said, "Oh.
Queso, huh?"
Ladies and gentlemen,
that will do it for me.
That is my time.
Thank you all.
I appreciate you, Vegas.
Thank you so much.
From the top of this bitch
to the bottom, thank you all.
I love you.
I thank you.
There's no me without you.
This was dope as fuck.
Peace.
He's a nerd, pop out
I ain't seen niggas
hit corners
In the motherfucking burbs
Pop out
Done politicking
with the competition
What's the word, yeah
Put that on my mama, nigga,
eight in the process
Nigga tryin' to tippy-toe
through the progress
Bitch, jump in that,
ha, ha, jump in that fire
Jump in that bitch,
hitting that fire
Jump in that whip
Thumb in that bitch
Come in that bitch, ho
Drumming that, ha, ha,
drumming that bitch
Chopper doing circles
It's a bird, bird
Take him to the party
He's a nerd, pop out
I ain't seen niggas
hit corners
In the motherfucking burbs
Pop out
Done politicking
with the competition
What's the word, yeah
Put that on my mama, nigga,
eight in the process
Nigga tryin' to tippy-toe
through the progress
Tongue-tied when the truth
is an object
What's the pros and the cons
of this next check
Wasn't nobody round,
I was independent
In the '90s, sitting bum
with the windows tinted
Jump in that, ha, ha,
jump in that fire
Jump in that bitch,
hitting that fire
Jump in that whip
Thumb in that bitch
Come in that bitch, ho
Drumming that, ha, ha,
drumming that bitch
Chopper doing circles
It's a bird, bird
Pop out, I ain't seen niggas
hit corners
In the motherfucking burbs
Pop out
Done politicking
with the competition
What's the word, yeah
Put that on my mama, nigga,
eight in the process
Aw, damn.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Y'all see this fucking bat
in my hand.
Bring your ass up to the stage,
I'ma knock
your fucking head off.
I swear to God.
OK?
We're sick of your shit.
We're fighting back.
Don't you come up here.
Knock your goddamn head
to the top of this arena.
Don't you come up here.
We're about to have a good time.
I'm excited.
I'm fucking excited.
All right, listen.
I'ma be up here for a while.
I'ma talk about a lot
of shit while I'm up here.
Some of the shit I say tonight
is gonna be mean.
Let it happen.
Unclench your ass.
Have a good time.
That's why you're here.
I think I want to start off
by talking about people.
That's where I want to start,
'cause I feel like people
are going backwards.
We're taking steps
in the wrong direction.
People don't want
to be themselves anymore.
People are goddamn
losing fucking confidence.
People are trying to change,
shape, and mold
into shit
that doesn't even exist.
I'm talking
about plastic surgery.
Let's get into it.
I want to talk about it.
I want to talk about it.
What the fuck is going on, man?
What the fuck is going on?
Plastic surgery
is at an all-time high.
I don't even know if you know
this, but back in the day,
plastic surgery was a secret.
Like, nobody wanted anybody
to know that they
were getting work done.
It was all nose jobs
and titty jobs.
Nose, titties.
Nose, titties.
Nose, titties.
That's all it was.
Back in the day,
people got mad at they doctor.
You better not say shit about
what happened here today.
Only two people that we knew
that got work done
back in the day
was Dolly Parton
and Michael Jackson.
That's a fucking fact.
Those are the only two people.
Mike showed up
with that new nose.
We knew.
That's not your nose, Mike.
Something happened.
That's not the same nose.
Today it's different.
Everybody's getting work done.
Men, women.
Women have taken it
to a new level, though.
The new shit that the women
are doing is the BBL.
The BBL.
What the fuck?
Jesus Christ.
These bitches look like ants.
That's right.
I said it.
They look like ants.
Somebody's gotta say it.
Somebody's gotta say it.
And if you don't believe me,
I challenge you
to go look
at a picture of an ant
and tell me I'm fucking lying.
Big-ass head, little neck.
Hard chest,
skinny waist, fat ass.
You ever see an ant ass?
Ants got ass.
You ever see an ant ass?
If I was an insect,
I'd fuck an ant.
Swear to God, I'd do it.
Everybody wants change.
Everybody's looking for change.
A friend of mine's got
a huge forehead, right?
One of the worst foreheads I've
ever seen in my fucking life.
Huge.
He told me the other day,
he said, "Kev,
I'm thinking about
getting my forehead reduced."
This is what he said to me.
I couldn't believe
what the fuck I heard.
I said, "What the fuck
you just say to me?"
He said, "I'm thinking about
getting my forehand reduced.
"I already talked to my doctor.
He said he can do it.
"The average forehead
is 4 fingers wide.
"He said I got an 8-to
12-finger situation going on.
But he can flip it down.
He said he can flip it down."
Flip it down?
Nigga, that's not a hat.
What are you talking about?
It's your fucking
forehead, bitch.
What about your brain?
He said,
"Oh, he can push that back.
"He gonna push that back.
Raise my eyes up
so I can see better."
I bet you fucking will.
Everybody wants change.
LeBron James,
real good friend of mine.
Well, he was.
He hasn't heard this joke yet.
We'll see what happens.
We'll see what happens.
I remember in the beginning
of LeBron career,
he was going bald.
His hair was real thin up top.
You could count the hairs
on top of his fucking head.
You know how I know that?
Because I was the one
counting the hairs
on top of his fucking head.
One.
Two-ish-ish.
I didn't see Bron
for, like, three weeks.
I didn't see him,
and I didn't talk to him.
Bron showed up
at a wedding I was at.
He had a head full of hair.
Walked in that bitch
with all this confidence
like I didn't see him
three weeks ago
with the fucking truth
on his goddamn head.
He walked in, he was like,
"What up? What up? What up?
"What up? What up?
What up? What up?
What up? What's going on?"
I said, "What the fuck
is going on with you?
The fuck is that
on your goddamn head?"
People start kicking me.
"Chill, Kev. Chill."
I said, "Get your
fucking feet off of me.
"Ain't no chill.
I want to know what the fuck
that is on Bron head."
I'll tell you what it's not.
I knew what it wasn't.
I knew it wasn't
a goddamn toupee.
I knew that much.
You know how I knew
it wasn't a toupee?
Because they don't
make nigga toupees.
They never have.
They never have.
The fuck is that
on your head, LeBron?
Is it alive?
Is it alive?
Snatch it off right now.
I wanted to.
He's tall. I can't get...
No way I'm getting that,
but you get what I'm saying.
Everybody's looking for change.
I got an email from a guy
I went to high school with,
right?
Email said, "Kev, it's time
for you to get yours."
I open up the email.
It's two pictures in the email.
One picture was a real little
man standing next to a doctor.
He was angry.
Next picture,
that same little man
was taller than the doctor.
He was giving a thumbs-up.
Bottom of the email said,
"Kev, it's time for you
to get yours."
I'm confused.
What the fuck is going on?
I call him.
"Yo, I got your email.
"What the fuck
are you talking about?
What are you trying to say?"
Said, "What do you mean,
what am I trying to say?"
Said, "Exactly what I said.
What is this?
What are you trying to say?"
He said,
"They're giving out height.
Go get you some."
"The fuck you mean,
they giving out height?"
"Exactly what I said.
They're giving out height.
"They're taking the fat
out of people backs,
putting it in their knees."
"They taking the fat
out of people backs,
putting it in their knees."
He said, "Go get rid
of your back fat.
Get yourself some inches."
I said,
"I will do no such thing."
Get rid of my goddamn back fat.
43 years old.
I've been 5'5" my whole life...
5'4 "... 5'2 1/2"
my whole fucking life.
Don't have to do no shit
like that.
You gotta remember, I ain't
been on tour, like, four years.
I can't just walk out
this bitch 6'6"
and not say shit about it.
I just walk out.
What up? What up? What up?
What up? What up?
What up? What up?
What up?
What up?
What's going on?
What the fuck
is going on with you?
Look at his goddamn knees.
What he do to his knees?
Why he got all them holes
in his back?
What the fuck he do to his back?
You know what I want?
I want people to start
thinking shit through.
I want to get back to the times
when people had patience.
You gotta slow down,
start thinking shit through.
Stop acting on impulse.
Let's say
I go get the procedure.
I come out of it with these new
knees and these long-ass legs.
I'm 6'6".
Look at my fucking knees
and these long-ass legs.
But I still got the same arms.
I didn't do shit
to my fucking arms.
I didn't judge it right.
Now I can't put
my hands in my pocket
'cause I done fucked up.
I'm out this bitch
looking like a T. rex,
touching my chest all the time.
Why Kev always
rubbing his chest?
Bitch, 'cause I misjudged it.
I can't get my hands
in my pockets.
You gotta think shit through.
Let's say
I go get the procedure.
I got these goddamn new knees,
long-ass legs.
My fucking frame, look at
my chest and my shoulders.
I'm 6'6", but I still
wear a size 7 sneaker.
I didn't do shit to my feet.
Now I can't support
the new body.
My balance is off.
I look like that thing
that be at the car dealerships,
that man... that air man.
Look at me.
You gotta think shit through.
Stop acting on impulse.
We're in a crazy time right now.
We're in a real crazy time.
By the way, rightfully so.
We've been through a lot.
Pandemic hit us hard.
Pandemic sat us all down
with nothing to do,
gave us nothing
but time to think.
That's when people get weird,
when they fucking think
all goddamn day.
Just thinking about shit
with nothing to do.
That's why a lot of weird shit
happened after the pandemic.
I'ma tell you
the weirdest invention
in my opinion that came
out of the pandemic,
this Metaverse shit.
I don't even know
if you know what it is.
For those who do not know
what the Metaverse is,
I'll do my best
to explain it to you.
The Metaverse was created
for people that don't want
to be here in the real world.
So they can go there
and do shit there
with the people
that don't like them here
but they don't know that
they are who they are there.
That's what the fuck it is,
right?
It's some weird shit.
It's a lot of weird shit
happening in the Metaverse.
There was a story about a woman
who says she got
sexually assaulted
in the Metaverse.
This is real shit.
You can Google this.
This is Googleable information.
Says she got sexually assaulted.
They gave it time and energy.
They interviewed her.
"Are you OK?
How do you feel?"
That's what they said.
"How do you feel?"
Nobody said,
"Bitch, why didn't you
close the laptop, huh?
"Huh?
"Why didn't you take
the headset off?
You just sitting there
letting it happen."
"Make it stop."
Bitch, take the goddamn
headset off.
Close the laptop,
with your stupid ass.
Sitting there taking
a virtual assaulting,
with your stupid as.
You know what I want to do?
I want to get back
to the times when you can
tell people, shut the fuck up.
Sit your dumb ass down.
I want to go back there.
Yeah. Yeah.
I want to go back
to those times.
Shut the fuck up.
Sit your dumb ass down.
We're giving too much
too much attention.
We're entertaining
the crazy way too much.
Let me tell you
something, people.
The crazy are only
going to get crazier.
That's not fiction.
That's a fact.
It's a fact.
You gotta stop
entertaining the shit.
I don't entertain it
personally, right?
I don't.
I really don't, man.
Like, I'ma tell you what.
I feel like I live in the crazy.
I'm in the fucking crazy.
I do.
I really do feel like that.
Like, there's times
where I actually,
like, want to know if I'm crazy
or why I'm not as crazy
as I feel like I should be.
'Cause I've been
through a lot of shit.
On paper, I should
be fucking crazy.
On paper, all the shit
I've been through?
I should be fucking crazy.
And who knows?
Maybe it's coming.
Maybe I got crazy waiting on me.
'Cause you don't expect it.
Nobody plans to be crazy.
It just happens.
Crazy just sneaks up on you.
Look at Will Smith.
He didn't plan that.
That just happened.
What?
He didn't plan that.
It just fucking happened.
"Keep my wife's name
out your motherfucking mouth."
Come on, man.
He didn't fucking plan that.
"Keep my wife's name
out your motherfucking mouth."
He jumped out his goddamn body.
You have any idea how crazy
you gotta be to make
Samuel L. Jackson jump back?
Do you have any idea?
"Keep my wife's name"...
"Say,
what the fuck happening, Jack?
Goddamn."
I'm next.
I know it.
I feel like I'm next.
It's a lot of shit
going on, man.
I'm fucking stressed
the fuck out.
I'm about to pop.
I'm telling y'all ahead of time.
Y'all gonna see me
at a gas station
with my dick in the tank soon.
Something stupid gonna happen.
"Kev, what you doing?"
"Getting gas.
Mind your fucking
business, bitch."
"Keep my wife's name
out your motherfucking mouth."
It's coming.
You know the crazy thing?
I've realized
that I live in the crazy.
Like, I live in Los Angeles.
I feel like Los Angeles
is the craziest place ever.
I call Los Angeles
the land of the lost,
and here's the thing.
It's not the people
from Los Angeles.
They're fine.
It's not them.
It's the people
that move out there,
the people with dreams,
goals, ambitions.
'Cause they want
all this shit to happen.
They move out there,
and then it doesn't happen,
and they go, welp,
it's time to be nuts.
They fucking lose it.
They lose it.
You gotta watch the news
in Los Angeles.
I've never seen
anything like it.
There was a story
on the news about a guy
who was going to Denny's,
putting his dick in people
breakfast at 7:00 a.m.
7:00 a.m., slamming his dick
in people grits.
They call him the dick slammer.
This is true shit.
Fucking up Grand Slams
nationwide.
They reported it live
from Denny's.
There was a news anchor
live in front of Denny's.
He said,
"Welp, he did it again."
What?
"You're at Denny's,
watch your back,
and watch your breakfast."
What?
Telling me I can't eat
breakfast without looking
over my shoulder for stray dick?
Are you kidding me?
It's too much crazy.
The reason why I feel
like honestly I could be
or, like, I have the potential
to be crazy,
'cause I'm around it.
Crazy friends, crazy family.
My brother just got crazy.
It just happened.
He turned 50.
The next day,
the nigga got weird.
He got fucking weird.
Called me with some weird shit.
He's like, "Kev, I'm thinking
about getting a dog.
I'm lonely."
I said, "You should get a dog.
A dog would be good for you."
He's like, "Yeah, but I don't
know if I'd be a good owner.
"You know what I'ma do?
"I'ma act like a dog
for two weeks,
see how that go."
You ever hear somebody you love
say some crazy shit to you
and you don't say nothing back
'cause you hope they say,
"I'm just fucking with you,"
and they never do?
I didn't know what to say.
I just got off the phone.
I was like, "All right.
Well, let me let you go, man.
Hit me when you figure it out."
I just got off the phone.
He called me a week later,
6:00 in the morning.
"Kev, you up?"
I said, "I am now.
What's going on?"
He said, "Ain't shit.
I'm out here walking this dog."
I said, "You got the dog?"
He said, "No, but if I had it,
"this when I'd be walking it.
I'm just trying to see
how it feel."
He said, "I'm mad 'cause
he won't go to the bathroom."
What the fuck is going on?
Now I'm worried,
but it's my brother,
so I don't want
to fuck with him too much.
So I participate.
This is what fucked me up.
I go... I said, "Are you
walking him on grass?"
This is what fucked me up.
I said, "Are you
walking him on grass?"
My brother said,
"Ah, that's what it is.
I'll call you back."
Oh!
Oh!
He's a fucking psychopath!
It's Jeffrey Dahmer
all over again.
The lights are on.
Nobody's home.
A week later, he called me
and said, "Kev,
it's not gonna work.
I'm not getting a dog."
I said, "Why not?"
He said, "'Cause he got loose.
He ran away."
Do you know how crazy
you gotta be
to lose an imaginary dog?
Do you have any idea
how fucking crazy you gotta be?
I said, "Just act
like he came back.
Pretend like the dog
came back."
He said, "It's not
that easy, Kevin.
"Plus, I just put the signs up
around the neighborhood
trying to see if I get a call."
Oh!
He's a fucking psychopath!
My dad is crazy.
For those who do not know,
I just lost my dad,
like, a week and a half ago.
My dad just passed away.
Not a sad moment.
Don't do that.
We're not gonna make it
a sad moment.
This is a celebration.
Here's why.
Because of what I do
for a living,
I get to fucking let the legend
of my dad live on.
So we talk about my dad.
We celebrate my dad.
OK?
It's a celebration.
For those who have
followed my comedy,
you know I've talked about
my dad throughout my career.
Everything I said is true.
It's all true, all the sayings.
All right, all right, all right.
You gonna learn today.
Long dick.
Say it with your chest.
It's all fucking true.
My dad passed away from COPD,
right?
For those who do not know
what COPD is,
it's like an elevated
version of asthma.
My dad was on oxygen.
He had the tube
hooked up to his nose,
oxygen tank in the corner.
You go over his house,
this is all you saw.
Just a bunch of fucking tube.
He was an old man
that couldn't breathe
that talked shit all day.
That's all he did.
Told the bitch
don't come over here.
My dad thought
everybody had COVID.
Don't let that bitch
in here with COVID.
It's all on the hands.
Look at the hands.
Funny thing about
my dad is that he
still thought he was tough.
My friends would
fuck with him just
to get a reaction out of him.
My friend Wayne said,
"Spoon, I'll come over there
and whup your ass,
knock that oxygen tank over."
My dad got mad.
He said, "Bitch,
say something else.
I'll turn this tank up 20%,
give myself a boost."
He started fucking
with the tank.
20 seconds.
Start the clock right now.
I'll fuck your ass up.
He's a character.
The thing about my dad is,
because he couldn't breathe,
there was a rule.
The rule was,
no surprising my dad.
No surprising him.
He couldn't take it.
It's too much.
He couldn't take.
He couldn't take it.
I saw him almost die
one time, one time.
We was in the kitchen.
The tube got caught
under the stove.
I didn't see it.
I thought he had the hiccups.
I did.
That's what he did.
Fuck wrong with you?
You want some water?
For a second,
for a quick second,
I thought my brother dog
was in there.
For a quick second.
I said, that dog came here.
I think that dog is in here.
Then I realized
he couldn't breathe.
I said, "Oh, shit, Dad,
you can't breathe.
I got you."
I started chasing the tube.
I found a little kink
in the tube this big.
I straightened it out.
I got you, Dad.
You would've thought somebody
shot my dad in the ass
with adrenaline.
I've never seen anybody
take a deeper breath
in my fucking life.
He said, "You see what
the devil tried to do to me?"
Ain't no goddamn devil.
It's too much tube.
I'll talk a lot of shit
about my dad,
but it come
from a place of love.
My dad had good qualities too.
My dad is by far one of the best
nickname givers on the planet.
When it comes
to giving out nicknames,
there's nobody better.
Every nickname that he has given
has lasted a lifetime.
Keep in mind,
everybody wants a nickname.
You just don't have the right
people giving them to you.
Everyone has fucking landed.
Here's a secret.
The secret to giving out
good nicknames
is that they gotta come
from a mean place.
Good nicknames
are mean-spirited.
I got an uncle.
My uncle had a stroke.
His whole left side
is shut down.
His whole left side is dead,
can't move it.
My dad called him Right Foot.
This is a true story.
It's not rocket science.
It's simple.
It was actually too simple.
I said, "Dad, why you
call him Right Foot?"
He said, "You ever see him
move his left?"
"No."
"All right.
"There it is.
There it is."
Called my uncle Right Foot.
He get excited.
"Right foot, what it is?"
"Hey, you already know what the
fuck going on, god damn it."
My uncle turned
into a human typewriter.
Goddamn.
I got an aunt.
I got an aunt.
He calls my aunt Wings.
Wings.
She got that stuff
under her arm.
You know that stuff
that women can't get rid of,
that little piece?
You know what I'm talking about,
that piece that be up
under there?
I never knew why he
called her Wings.
One day, she was
in the kitchen going off.
"Tired of y'all coming over
here, not closing the doors,
eating up all the food."
It was making a bunch of noise.
Pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat.
He tapped me, said, "Kev.
"Look, look, look, look,
look, look, look, look.
"She about to take off.
"Fly, Wings.
Fly."
"Yeah."
I love it when I tell that joke,
'cause I can see some women
in the front grab they arm.
Shut up, Kevin.
Shut up.
You don't even... shut up.
There's only one nickname
that he gave out
that fucked me up a little bit.
One.
He got a little nephew.
Little boy name is Calvin.
My dad called him Crazy Horse.
"Crazy Horse, come here.
Crazy Horse, get over here."
Now, before I go on
with the rest of the joke,
I'ma tell you right now,
hand on the Bible,
swear to God, I had no idea
that this boy was special.
OK?
I did not know.
I'm getting that out the way.
I'm telling you that now,
'cause I don't want you
to think I'm a dickhead
after I say what I say.
I'm still gonna tell you
what the fuck I saw,
but I wanted to get that out.
Kept calling the boy
Crazy Horse.
"Crazy Horse, come here."
"I said, dad, why you keep
calling that boy Crazy Horse?"
He said, "You never
seen him do it?"
I said, "Do what?"
I said, "Do what?"
He said, "Crazy Horse,
come here."
It was quick.
If you blinked, you would
have fucking missed it.
If you blink, I swear to God,
you would've missed it.
"Crazy Horse, come here."
The boy got up, he's like...
Took off.
No!
No!
Can't call that boy
no fucking Crazy Horse.
He said, "Why not?
That's my nephew."
I don't give a fuck who he is.
'Cause of the times, you can't
treat people like that
because of the times.
He got mad, started
adjusting his oxygen tank.
"Yell at me again,
I'll fuck your ass up.
20 seconds.
Start the clock right now."
Crazy Horse.
You know, man, my dad
is such a character.
Like, when I think about
my dad and my brother,
the thing that I've realized now
is that we represent
one generation, right?
We're a generation
of men in our family.
And I'm like, damn, now
I got four kids, two sons.
Holy shit.
That's the next generation.
Had to give myself a reality
check, because I've realized
I don't think I'm doing my job
preparing them
to be a better generation
than what we are.
I'm passing down bad habits.
This is not a hypothetical.
This is a fact.
I know I am.
My bad habits are being
passed down, like my patience.
I don't have patience.
This is one
of my worst qualities.
I get irritated very fast.
Small things make me mad.
This is not a joke.
This is an example,
'cause I want you
to understand what I'm saying.
I don't like it when people eat
and sweat at the same time.
I don't fucking like it.
I don't fucking like it.
Like, if somebody's eating
and while they eat,
they be like, whew.
I'll punch you
in the fucking face.
If I'm there, I swear to God,
I'll punch you
in the fucking face.
Slow down!
Ain't nobody gonna take
that food from you.
Slow down!
Tell you what else I don't like.
You're not gonna like it,
but I'ma tell you anyway.
I've recently realized
that I don't have any patience
for unattractive people.
There. I said it.
That's how I feel.
I know when you first
hear it, it's a blow.
It's a blow at first.
I ask that you stay with me.
OK?
Stay with me until the end.
I feel like they're very needy.
Unattractive people
are very needy.
They always want something.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
You know where I can...
No, I don't.
No.
No. No.
I treat them like fucking cats.
Get your ass out of here.
Get out of here!
You better get!
It's too much.
It's too fucking much.
Let me tell you
where the joke came from
so you don't think
I'm a dick, OK?
I was at the bank, right?
I get done at the bank.
I'm in my car.
I'm about to pull out
the parking lot.
You gotta stop at the little
parking booth, right?
You gotta give the guy
your ticket.
I go to give the guy my ticket.
He slide the glass back,
sticks his head out.
Very unattractive man.
Whatever.
He sees me.
When he saw me, he lost it.
He got excited.
He's like, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh-uh.
Made that ugly-ass face
right in my fucking face.
Kevin Hart in my bank?
You got to be kidding me.
He said, "I'm not letting you
out of here until you
"tell me why you chose us.
Why us?
"Why you bank with us?
Why'd you choose us
as your financial institution?"
I couldn't believe
what the fuck I heard.
I said, "I don't have time
for this shit.
"Press the button.
Let me the fuck out of here.
I don't have time."
He did it again.
Uh-uh, uh-uh-uh, uh-uh.
"I ain't letting you out of
here till you tell me why us.
"Why'd you choose us?
Why us?
Why'd you choose us?"
Kept saying us.
I told you
I don't have any patience.
I fucking lost it.
I snapped.
I said, "Stop saying us.
"You don't got shit to do
with that goddamn bank.
"This parking lot ain't got
shit to do with that bank.
"Hit the button.
Let me the fuck up
out of here."
This when I got mad.
He looked me dead in the eye.
He said, "I got all day,
Kevin Hart.
All day."
I realized he's not playing.
He's not gonna let me out.
I gotta answer
his fucking question.
"OK, fine, you want to know
why I chose this bank?
"Your customer service,
loan rates, free checking.
There you go. That's why.
That's why I chose y'all."
This is what pissed me off.
He goes, "That's all
you had to say,
with your little ugly ass."
I said, "What'd you just say?
The fuck did you
just say to me?"
"Get your ugly ass
out my line."
He hit the button.
I had to pull off.
Now I'm pissed.
I'm not ugly.
You ugly!
Fucking pissed.
I stopped at Chipotle
two blocks up.
It's a long line in Chipotle.
Now I'm even more irritated.
I'm only in this long-ass line
because of that
unattractive-ass conversation.
While I'm standing in line,
the woman behind me goes,
"Oh, my God,
today's such a nice day.
It's so beautiful outside."
I'm about to fucking snap.
I'ma lose it.
I'ma fucking snap.
I'ma turn around.
I'ma let this goddamn woman
have it.
I turn around.
I see her.
This is by far one
of the most attractive women
I've ever seen
in my fucking life.
She was gorgeous.
Immediately, instantly...
I had time.
I had fucking time.
I said, "You know what?
It is a nice day.
It's so nice outside."
I turned into
a fucking weatherman.
I said, "What we need is rain.
We ain't had no rain
in a minute."
She said, "I wasn't even
talking to you."
Turned her back on me.
What the fuck?
Oh, no. No.
That is not acceptable.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
She turned around.
"What?"
Aha!
Ah.
Ah.
I just want...
"I just want to know
what made you choose Chipotle
as your place for lunch today."
She said,
"I'm not telling you that."
I said, "Uh-uh, uh-uh,
uh-uh-uh."
I was the unattractive person
in that conversation.
Guy flipped it on me that fast.
Let me tell you
something, people.
No matter how good
you think you look,
I promise you that you don't
look that fucking good.
I promise you
something will happen
in life to show you that you
don't look that fucking good.
My wife gave me a reality check.
We was in the bed, watching TV.
Commercial came on
with the little monster
from "Lord of the Rings,"
Smeagol.
I think that's his name.
Smeagol, he was doing
this shit right here.
You know the little monster?
That's what he did.
He was doing this shit.
My wife said, "Oh, my God,
babe, you be doing that."
I said, "Bitch,
what did you just say to me?
The fuck did you just say?"
"You be doing that
in the mornings."
"Bitch, I ain't never did
no shit like that
in my goddamn life!"
Called me a fucking monster
to my goddamn face.
Self-esteem was fucking dead
after that.
Crushed my soul.
I'll tell you what really
destroyed my self-esteem,
what destroyed it.
Fan art.
That's right.
Fan art.
The pictures that you
are drawing of me
and have given to me in person.
The nerve of some of you.
Like, listen, I... fuck you.
And I mean that.
Like, I stand on that.
Fuck you,
acting like these pictures
come from a place of love.
It's got to be... it's the most
irritating shit in the world.
You think... let me
show you something.
Put one of them pictures up.
Look at this shit.
Look.
Look at this.
These are real pictures,
by the way.
These are real fucking pictures.
Look at my goddamn mouth.
When did I have a stroke?
Does anybody know
when I had a stroke?
Show another one.
Show another... look.
Look at this shit.
Look at this shit.
Now I'm Frankenstein, huh?
I'm fucking Frankenstein?
Look at my fucking forehead.
Goddamn.
What the fuck?
Look at the next one.
What color am I?
What the fuck color am I?
Cut it off.
I mean, it's just...
It's so much, man.
I'ma tell you who drew, like,
one of the worst pieces
of fan art.
You should know.
Who do you think gave me
one of the worst pieces
of fan art
that I've ever seen?
Think.
No.
No.
Crazy Horse.
Crazy Horse gave me
a picture so bad.
This bitch left
my goddamn body out.
He drew my face and my neck
and then put a boot
underneath it.
Look... look... look at this.
Where the fuck is my body at,
Crazy Horse?
He said,
"You live in the boot."
He took off.
I couldn't catch him.
Son of a bitch.
I'm trying to do things
that actually
work on my levels of patience.
I'm trying to do things
that allow me
time to think for me, right,
like stepping away
from the pack,
giving myself some me time.
I recommend you guys
do it too, right?
Step away from the pack
every once in a while.
Go do some shit for you,
an activity for you.
It's a good stress reliever.
It is.
It really is.
One thing I used to do,
I used to play
a lot of basketball, right?
I would go up to gyms
and just do open runs.
I had to stop going to one gym
because they turned it
into a picture fest.
Everybody wanted
to take fucking pictures.
I ain't here to take pictures.
I'm here to play ball.
I'm not coming back to this gym.
I'll go find another gym,
where they do
three-on-three basketball
Tuesdays and Thursdays,
6:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m.
It's much better.
This where I need to be.
It's more intimate.
Keep in mind,
when I play basketball,
I talk a lot of shit.
Fuck outta here, bitch, ah.
You're too small.
I'll put you in my back pocket,
with your little ass.
You're too fucking small.
Put you right in my back pocket.
I'm about to get buckets.
It's time to eat.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Keep in mind, when I talk shit,
I don't like it
when you don't talk shit back.
You messing up the competitive
nature in the game.
If I talk shit, talk shit back.
We playing three-on-three
basketball.
They treating it like
it's the goddamn NBA.
Calling plays,
setting picks and shit.
It was too much.
We lost.
I quit.
I'm not playing anymore.
I walked out.
There was a sign in the lobby.
The sign in the lobby said,
"Deaf run
Tuesdays and Thursdays,
6:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m."
Yeah, they were deaf.
They didn't hear shit I said.
Now... no, they didn't.
They weren't calling plays.
They were communicating.
They were talking
to one another.
Now, this isn't a joke
about deaf people.
That's not what
the joke is about.
It's about what I looked like.
What the fuck did I
look like back there?
'Cause I know what I was saying.
I'm talking shit.
"Yeah, bitch.
"Yeah, bitch.
Yeah. You're too small.
"Put you in my fucking back
pocket, with your little ass.
"Yeah.
Come on, bitch.
"I'm about to get buckets
of barbecue chicken.
Mmm, mmm, mmm."
That's what I said.
What does that look like
without the volume, hmm?
What does it look like
without the volume?
I just told that man
that I want to eat his ass.
That's what I just said.
I don't want to eat your ass.
That's barbecue chicken, bitch.
Barbecue chicken.
I'm not trying to eat your ass.
Had to leave a note, apologize.
I am working on my shit, man.
Certain things I just can't do
anymore, not like I used to.
I stopped drinking.
I don't drink
as much as I used to.
Not because I had a problem,
just 'cause I'm getting older.
I still drink.
I love to drink.
I have a fucking tequila,
Gran Coramino.
You guys should know
that I love to fucking drink.
That Mino Lino.
You need it in your life.
Trust me.
I just can't drink
the way I used to.
When I was 22, 23 years old,
I'd take shots for days.
Bow, bow, bow.
Dance afterwards.
Yeah, bitch, uh.
43 is different.
It's different at 43.
One shot.
Bow.
Some...
Somebody put something
in my drink.
Somebody trying to do something
to me here tonight.
I'm a blackout drunk too.
I'll black out.
In a heartbeat,
I'll black the fuck out.
Mid-conversation.
What we doing?
We going... we going club...
Hey, we go... everybody...
Everybody go club... we all...
I'm out.
It's a wrap.
I don't like my friends.
These son of a bitches never
take me home when I black out.
They just prop me up in the
corner, keep the party going.
'Cause they need my face
to get into places.
They need my fucking face.
They treat me like Bernie
from "Weekend at Bernie's."
They just keep showing
my face at the door.
Get in there, Kev.
Bitch, I'm dead.
Check my pulse.
My friends are hilarious, man.
I recently had to have
a conversation with my friends.
Had a big conversation
with them.
Had to explain to my friends
that I'm no longer
the friend of old.
I'm no longer the all-for-one,
one-for-all friend.
I'm no longer the "we ride
together, we die together."
I'm no longer the "if one
go down, we all go down."
I'm no longer that friend.
43 years old,
I'm at a point in my life
where I'm not choosing to deal
with the world of bullshit
that comes with my friends.
I no longer want your bullshit.
I'm not embracing it anymore.
I'm at a point in my life...
I'm very serious, very serious.
I'm at a point in my life
where I'll tell on you.
I'll fucking tell.
I told them.
That's where I'm at.
You do something
around me that involves the law
in any way, shape, or form,
I'll fucking tell.
I'll tell.
It doesn't make me
a snitch or a bitch.
You know why?
You know why?
'Cause I'm telling you ahead
of time what the fuck I'll do.
That means I'm giving you
an opportunity
to make better decisions
around me
so that I don't have
to tell on you.
I don't want to have
to fucking tell on you.
They thought I was lying.
I wasn't.
We went to Mexico.
Keep in mind, we fly private,
right?
We go to Mexico.
We're on the plane.
While we're on the plane,
my friends,
they love to bring weed,
love the flower weed.
Go right ahead.
Bring all the fucking weed
you want.
It's all fun and games
until it's not.
I said, I don't
want to hear shit
when we land and them little
Mexican dogs get active,
start sniffing your bags.
I don't want to see you
looking up like you
don't know what the fuck
they smell,
'cause guess what I'ma do.
Guess what I'ma do.
I'ma solve the case.
That's what I'ma do.
I'ma solve the goddamn case.
Oh!
That dog found it, Officer.
That dog got it right there.
Mark, raise your hand
so they know who bag that is.
You probably gotta go with them.
Yeah.
You want him to go with y'all?
Yep, they said you gotta
go with them, Mark.
I'ma solve the goddamn case.
I'll never forget it.
We're on the plane
going to Mexico.
First of all, it's always
the person with the drugs
that's got the worst ideas
in the world.
Always.
That's Joey's stupid ass.
Keep using the word "we."
"This what we gonna do.
"This how we gonna make it work.
"When we get off
the plane, look.
"If they want to go through
your bags, all you gotta do
"is grab the bag
without the drugs.
"If they don't, then grab
the bag with the drugs.
"That's how we get
the drugs through.
We alternate it like that."
Everybody on the plane
was like, "Bet, dope, yeah.
Let's do it."
I said, "That don't work for
me. I don't like that plan.
"I don't fucking like it.
My name on my bag.
"Don't touch my bag.
"You touch my bag, I'll tell.
I'll fucking tell."
I'll never forget it.
This a true story.
We're landing in Mexico.
Plane go down.
I look out the window, looked
like an episode of "Narcos."
I've never seen more Mexican
officers in my goddamn life.
They standing there.
They got the dogs.
I've never seen dogs look
through the window of a plane.
The dogs.
When I saw that,
When I saw the dogs,
I said, "Oh, boy.
"Y'all going to jail.
Y'all going to fucking jail.
They smell it.
The dogs smell it already."
Little Mexican man comes on the
plane after the door go down.
He starts speaking Spanish.
Keep in mind,
I don't know Spanish.
I know a couple words,
and I know the rhythm.
I know the rhythm of Spanish.
For the purpose of this joke,
I'ma hit you with the rhythm.
The reason why is because
I want you to feel like
you were there.
I'm telling you ahead of time
these are not real words, OK?
They're not real words.
It's gonna sound like it,
but it's just a rhythm.
But don't make me laugh,
'cause I gotta stay
in the character.
Don't make me fucking laugh.
So he started off...
He started off calm
and then escalated.
This is exactly what he did, OK?
Dnde, hmm?
Hmm?
Dnde... dnde... dnde est?
Hmm?
He looking right at me.
He looking me dead
in the fucking eye.
He go, "Qu?
Qu?"
I don't know what the fuck
"qu" mean,
but he want an answer.
He looking right at me.
I panicked.
I didn't know
what to fucking do.
I panicked.
I said, "Queso."
I just said it.
I said, "Queso."
I thought about the cheese,
queso cheese.
I don't know what the fuck.
"Queso."
He thought I was being
a smart-ass.
He said, "Oh."
"Queso, ah.
Hmm."
You ever hear Spanish people
talk real fast
and it just sound like
a bunch of clicks?
This is what he said.
Fuck.
This is it.
This is my nightmare.
We going to jail.
I get up.
Ah!
I got my hands up.
I'm cooperating.
We get off the plane.
They got a security booth
right there.
You gotta get in the booth
one by one.
When you get in the booth,
you gotta press a button.
When you press the button,
it go red light or green light.
Let me tell you something
right now.
If you press that button
and you get a red light,
ho, you can cancel Christmas.
It's over for you.
You hear me?
It's over for you.
They get dark as fuck
when you press that button
and it's red.
You press the button
and it's green,
they're a different person.
"Qu pasa?"
Put a fucking hat on you,
start dancing.
You don't want to dance,
but you're scared,
so you do it anyway, ah.
Please don't kill me.
I'm first.
I gotta press
the fucking button.
He looking right at me.
I almost said...
I almost said,
"They got drugs."
I swear to God.
I was fucking nervous.
My stomach was bubbling.
My ass was wet.
I was farting.
It was too much.
I was nervous.
I hit that bitch.
Bow.
Backed up, looked up like
it was the "Wheel of Fortune."
It said red, green,
red, green, red, green.
It stopped on green.
Let me tell you
how childish I am.
When it stopped
on green, I went.
I grabbed my bag.
I didn't look at nobody.
I just walked off the tarmac.
I walked the fuck
off the tarmac.
I saved myself.
I could hear my friends.
They was like, "Kev,
grab the bag with the drugs.
"Get the bag with the drugs.
"Get the bag with the drugs.
Get the bag with the drugs."
I said, "No hable ingles."
"No hable ingles.
"Y'all going to jail.
Jail-io, all y'all."
"I'm going to the resort.
"Maybe I'll see you there.
Maybe I won't.
I didn't bring the drugs.
You did."
That's what I did.
I went to the fucking resort.
I was at that bitch
for two hours by myself.
At that point, I just figured.
You know, I guess
it is what it is.
I don't know.
They all got there in, like,
two hours and 30 minutes.
Nobody went to jail.
Everybody made it through.
Here's why I gotta
do better as a friend,
'cause I'm the first one.
I'm the first person
after everybody gets settled.
Everybody gets situated,
settled,
and everybody's relaxed.
I'm the first one to go,
"Yo.
"Hey.
"Look.
"Yo.
"Let me...
"Let me get a little bit
of that weed.
Where the weed at?"
"We did it!
"We made it through, man.
Teamwork made
the dream work, baby."
"Shut the fuck up, Kev."
"All right, I understand."
My friends are special.
I got a good group, man.
I got a real good group.
I do.
Every time that they have had
to be there,
they've been there.
My friends have never
not been there for me.
There's only one time
where they had to, like,
reel me back,
where I was in too deep
and they had to, like, grab me
and make me get ahold of myself.
This is when social media
in the beginning stages, like,
was getting out of hand
a little bit,
when the live feature
had first started.
You can go live.
You can click
on somebody's live.
The whole world
can watch your live.
Gotta remember,
I got a lot of followers
on social media.
200-some million people.
That shit can go to your head.
I was treating it
like a fucking weapon.
I wish you would tell me
you couldn't do something.
I was snapping,
showing up in restaurants
with no reservation.
Kevin Hart.
I need a table for 25.
Did you call?
Bitch, you want me
to go live right now?
Shut this whole
fucking place down.
Kev, chill.
Shut up, bitch,
before I go live on you.
Everybody back up.
Back the fuck up right now.
Get back.
Everybody get the fuck back
before I go live.
I lost my mind.
What it was is, social media
was getting so negative.
It was way too negative.
I was consuming
too much negativity.
I'ma tell you the video
that really made me back off
social media,
made me put it down.
When you guys leave, I want you
to Google this as well.
This is Googleable as well.
It's a video
of a barista arguing
with a woman in a coffee shop.
She's arguing with the woman
'cause the woman's
not wearing a mask.
Woman without a mask goes,
"Can I get a little cup
of coffee?"
Says, "I can't serve you
'cause you're not
wearing a mask."
She says,
"I just want a little cup."
"Don't matter what you want.
You're not wearing a mask.
I can't give you nothing."
She said, "Come on,
don't be a bitch."
"Don't call me a bitch."
"Well, you being a bitch."
"Fuck you, bitch."
"Fuck you, bitch."
"Dumb bitch."
"Stupid bitch."
"Ho bitch."
"Slut bitch."
Out of nowhere,
the woman without a mask
pulls her pants down,
takes a shit,
starts throwing it
behind the person.
Yeah. Don't believe me?
Google it.
Google it
when you fucking leave.
Now, your reaction
is different from mine.
I was blown away.
I was blown away
by this woman's ability
to shit on command.
I've never seen
anything like it.
She didn't shit on the floor
and pick it up and throw it.
These were individual nuggets.
Bow!
Bow!
Bow!
Three.
Three solid rockets
out of the ass.
You gotta watch
the fucking video.
In the middle of the video,
a Black girl just run by.
"They throwing shit in here."
You can hear her.
"They don't pay me enough
for this shit."
You gotta watch
the fucking video.
Shit that really made me laugh
is the guy taping it,
'cause he in the corner.
You can't see him.
This is what he says.
He goes, "This the best angle
I could get, y'all."
Who asked for this footage, sir?
They're throwing shit in there.
I don't know about y'all,
but if I get hit
with a piece of shit,
my life is over.
It's over for me.
A piece of human shit
to the temple at 7:00 a.m.?
Fuck that.
Fuck that.
Put your dick in my grits.
I'll take dick in grits all day.
Slam your dick in my grits,
Mr. Dick Slammer.
I don't want to get hit
with a piece of shit
in the goddamn temple.
You're never gonna
live that down.
7:00 a.m., you in the best mood
of your fucking life.
Good morning.
How y'all doing?
Hey, Carl, let me get
two vanilla lattes
and two extra pumps of syrup.
Yeah.
You too, man.
I know that's right.
Yeah.
The fuck just happened?
The fuck just happened in here?
Something just hit me
in the fucking head.
What the fuck?
What the fuck is this?
What the fuck
is going on with this?
Now, hold on, now.
Now, hold on.
This better not be what
the fuck I think it is.
This is shit.
Somebody just hit me
with a piece of shit.
You gotta ask the question
you thought you would never
ask in your goddamn life.
Who just threw
that piece of shit at me?
I want to see everybody hands.
If I see shit on anybody hands,
I swear to God.
"Hey, I got grits on my dick.
"That's as far as I go.
I ain't that nasty.
That's nasty, now."
"Throwing shit is disgusting.
"I'll put my dick
in grits all day.
That's where I draw the line."
Social media.
Social media had me fucked up.
Social media had me believing
that I was an activist
for one day.
For one day I, got caught up.
I got caught up bad, man.
This is when the George Floyd
stuff happened.
Black Lives Matter protests
was going on.
I was pissed.
I was emotional.
Went on Twitter,
tweeted some shit.
Sick of this shit.
Tweet.
People start retweeting it.
Fuck yeah, Kev.
Hell yeah, Kev.
That's what I'm talking about.
Talk your shit.
Say it again for the people in
the back that didn't hear you.
Fine, I will.
Tweet.
Hell yeah, Kev.
That's what I'm talking about,
Black man.
Way to talk your shit,
Black man.
Way to be there
for your people, Black king.
He called me a Black king.
I ain't never been called
a Black king before.
Shit went right to my head.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My people need me.
They need me.
Sent out, like,
1,000 fucking tweets.
I was doing a movie
for Universal at the time.
Universal called me.
Whoa.
Whoa.
They're like, "Kev, hey.
"We saw your tweets.
"Listen, first of all,
we're with you.
"OK?
We're your partners.
We're here for you.
We got your back."
By the way, they're talking
to me like this
because they believe
that I'm an activist.
Once again, I'm not an activist.
I'm just caught up in the shit.
When you start the shit,
you can't stop the shit
till you finish the shit.
I'm in the shit.
They said, "Kev, listen.
"You want to take
the company plane,
"go down there
to the memorial service?
"You want to take
your friends, family?
"You can, all right?
We'll send some partners.
"We'll make it
a teachable moment.
"All you gotta do
is say the word.
"Do you want the plane?
Say the word, Kev.
It's yours.
Do you want the plane?"
Fuck yeah, I want the plane.
They gave me the goddamn plane.
This is big.
I show up at the plane.
By the way, I didn't know
what to bring.
I didn't pack any bags.
This is my first activist trip.
I just showed up.
When I get there,
the first two people I see
is Tyrese and Ludacris, right?
First two people.
Yeah.
When I saw them, I knew.
I knew off the bat that this
was a fucking mistake.
"I want to go home."
I said that.
I want to go home.
It don't look right.
Why the fuck they send
the cast of "Fast & Furious"
out this bitch?
It don't look right.
I get on the goddamn plane.
T.I. come out the bathroom.
He looked at me.
He said, "Kev,
you think they got
metal detectors
where we're going?"
I said, "Why the fuck
would you ask me that?"
He said, "'Cause I want to know
if I should bring my bag."
I said, "What's in your bag?
"And before you tell me,
you should know that I'll tell.
"I'll fucking tell.
Ain't got time to deal
with your shit, Tip."
We on the plane,
they want to talk.
I don't want to talk.
I had a long day.
I'm going to sleep.
I wake up, nobody's dressed
the way they were
when I got on the goddamn plane.
Everybody's got on
activist wear.
They're wearing all black.
By the way, nobody told me.
I got a goddamn salmon-colored
V-neck on and some khakis.
Looking like Carlton
in his prime.
Nobody told me.
Tyrese got on the black beret,
black sunglasses,
black turtleneck,
black leather trench coat,
these black cargo pants,
and these combat boots
that came above his knee.
He looked like a male
Mary J. Blige.
I've never seen anything
like it in my fucking life.
I've never seen nothing like it.
Luda had his Afro picked out.
Tip got a fucking jumpsuit on.
It's ridiculous.
We get in an SUV.
We go to the memorial service.
When we pull up,
they outside protesting.
Black people all in the street.
Cops lined up
down the side of the street
with riot gear on.
Black man in the middle
with a bullhorn going off.
Black Lives Matter, and if you
don't think they matter,
then you're part of the problem.
And today we find a solution.
The solution is death.
Every Black person
that showed up here today
is willing to die.
We will all die today.
We don't give a fuck about life.
If you Black and you here,
it's 'cause you came to die.
If you Black and you
in this circle around me,
it's 'cause you ready
to die first.
I look down.
I'm in the fucking circle.
I said, "Wait a minute.
"That's not why I came.
I didn't come for that.
"That's not why I'm here.
"Once again, I don't think
y'all have my email address,
"'cause I'm not getting
these messages.
I'm not getting
these messages."
But I don't want to stop
what they got going on,
so I try to back out the circle
without drawing attention
to myself.
He see me.
He go, "Oh, shit, Kev Hart."
"I see you, Black king.
"Way to come out here
and be with your people.
Say something to your people."
He throw me the bullhorn.
I catch it.
Now I gotta give a speech.
I've never given
an activist speech.
I don't know what the fuck
to say,
but I cannot say nothing.
I have to say something.
Tyrese stupid ass
standing behind me
saying lines
from "Fast & Furious"
in my fucking ear.
"We family,
and we gonna be family."
"What?"
"All we got is family."
"Get the fuck back, Tyrese!"
He gonna back up just like Mary.
Now I gotta give a speech.
You ever say something and
while you're saying something,
you realize you're not
saying nothing
but you gotta keep trying
to say something
even though you know
it's nothing?
That was my fucking speech.
This is my speech word-for-word.
Verbatim, this is my speech.
A'ight.
Y'all already know what it is,
and what it is
is what it's gonna be.
'Cause at the end
of the day, hey.
Come on, now.
Don't make me sad.
1 plus 1 gonna be 2 every day.
I got enemies.
I got a lot of enemies,
but if I tell you a duck could
pull a truck, strap it up.
Shut the fuck up.
I panicked.
I ran out of shit to say.
I panicked.
T.I. got a gun
in his bag right now.
He a repeat offender.
Repeat offender.
I felt bad,
'cause they locked him up.
They locked his ass up
right there.
But at the same time,
I did my job.
That's one less bad person
on the streets.
You're welcome.
I asked God for another chance.
I said, "God, please
give me another chance
to be an activist,
'cause I did that one wrong."
God gave me another chance.
They were doing a peaceful
protest in Beverly Hills.
Black people were marching.
I'm going.
I need to be out there
with my fucking people.
This time, I'ma do it right.
I brought a glove.
I made a sign.
Spent all day
making my goddamn sign.
Put blood, sweat, and tears
into this goddamn sign.
I wanted people to read my sign
and get an immediate feeling
attached to emotion.
I wanted that sign
to have an impact.
Made that sign.
I went out there and marched,
held my sign up high.
I'll never fucking forget it.
Marching.
While I'm marching,
I hear this noise.
Psss.
That's what I heard.
Psss.
When I first heard it,
first thing I thought is,
somebody pissed my dad off.
He giving himself a boost.
That's my dad, right?
He about to fuck somebody up.
20 seconds.
It's going down.
But then somebody
yelled out, "Oh, my God.
"They're throwing
tear gas at us.
Run!"
"What?"
"They throwing tear gas.
Run!"
I see it.
That's real tear gas.
Fuck.
I'm in it.
I'm in the shit.
I start running.
This is real chaos.
This is not a joke.
I'm in the middle of it.
While I'm running,
fucking I'm in there,
the Black guy in the front goes,
"Hey, y'all know the drill.
We ain't new to this.
Mask up.
Put your goggles on."
Ain't nobody tell me to bring...
I don't have no goddamn goggles.
Where I'm supposed
to get goggles?
Once again, I don't think
y'all have my email address.
I'm not getting these messages.
While we running,
Black guy next to me
gets shot with a rubber bullet.
Bow!
I'm right here.
I see it.
Bow!
He said, "Fuck!"
He said...
He looked right at me.
He said...
"I hate this part."
I said, "Excuse me, sir?"
"This part?
Well, how many parts
are there, sir?"
Now I'm fucking scared.
I pick up the pace.
I start running.
I catch up to the Black guy
in the front.
I grab his arm.
I said, "Hey, man. Hey!
"What's the plan?
What's the fucking plan?"
He looked me dead in the eyes.
I'll never forget it.
I said, "What's the plan?"
He said,
"Nigga, you better go home."
I said, "What?"
"Nigga, you better take
your stupid ass home,
"out here running around
in them dumb-ass khakis,
"holding up
that stupid-ass sign.
"What the fuck
does that sign say?
Does that say,
'Black people rock'?"
I said, "Yes, it does."
He said, "What the fuck
that got to do with anything?"
I said, "Mm-mm-mm."
He said,
"Take your stupid ass home
before you get yourself
killed."
I got emotional.
I start crying.
"I can't.
It's not that easy.
I can't just leave.
I can't."
He said, "Why not?"
I said, "Because I don't know
where I parked at.
We been running
for a long time."
I took out my valet ticket.
I gave it to him.
I said, "Can you help me
find my car, please?
"I'll tip you
if you help me find my car.
I'll tip you."
He said, "I don't know
where your fucking car at.
You better ask
one of them niggas over there."
I said, "Excuse me.
"Excuse me.
"Niggas over there,
can y'all help me find my car?"
One of them turned around.
He was Mexican.
He looked at me.
He said, "Oh.
Queso, huh?"
Ladies and gentlemen,
that will do it for me.
That is my time.
Thank you all.
I appreciate you, Vegas.
Thank you so much.
From the top of this bitch
to the bottom, thank you all.
I love you.
I thank you.
There's no me without you.
This was dope as fuck.
Peace.
He's a nerd, pop out
I ain't seen niggas
hit corners
In the motherfucking burbs
Pop out
Done politicking
with the competition
What's the word, yeah
Put that on my mama, nigga,
eight in the process
Nigga tryin' to tippy-toe
through the progress