Kick Me (2023) Movie Script
Blow his brains out! Blow his brains out!
Blow his brains out! I don't like this part!
Are you that stupid? Shoot him!
No, I don't like this.
He's a witness, shoot him!
I don't like this part!
Are you gonna leave a witness? Are you that stupid?
Shoot him! Shoot him now!
Bang!
Lot of fuckin' good that did. His head's still on.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
My brother makes me kill. Sorry.
Do it right, nutsack.
Put your gun in his mouth,
and blow the top of his head off.
Bang!
Put your gun in his mouth, and -
I don't wanna do that.
No you don't wanna do that.
Put the gun in his mouth and blow the
top of his head off!
I don't wanna do that!
No you don't wanna do that.
Put the gun in his mouth and blow
the top of his head off!
-I don't wanna do that! -No you don't want to do that.
Put the gun in his mouth and
blow the top of his head off!
Bang! Bang! Bang.
Don't think Mom's not gonna hear about this!
Blitz: Get in the fuckin' car.
Blitz: Take your shovel.
Go go go go!
Turkle. Tur-kle. T-U-R-T-L-E, turkle.
It is the perfect pet!
Santiago: See, rabbits are promiscuous.
We want something decent in the house.
Santiago: They just have sex and sex and sex, quick sex.
Santiago: Turkles, they make love!
Fine, she gets a rabbit.
Problem solved.
Kiss kiss!
Bepsy!
Hi Bepsy...
It's about Luther...
"Expelled"?
Hey, Vasquez!
A boy like that should be kept in a cage...
Monday!
Monday. Got it.
Before prayer breakfast!
7:30, got it.
Yeah well get it! Get it signed or Luther's out. Go!
Luther's a good kid!
Luther's a good kid.
-Any questions? -Yeah I got one.
What is it?
- When you gonna do karate with
me - -Luther once again here we go.
You said you would.
Never. The answer is never.
Especially when you keep doing stuff
like this. My reputation is on the line.
I had to vouch for you with Administration.
I don't need anybody to vouch for me.
I didn't steal nothin'.
I never said you were caught
stealing, you were caught returning!
This is not the first time.
You got no case.
They want you to sign this. The
want your parents to sign it too.
Are you making drugs? Are you cooking meth?
Drugs Mr. Vasquez? That's kid's stuff.
Do you remember the first time we met?
Yes I do...
I said Oh my God, I am in the presence of a true genius!
I knew you would bring great honor to this place.
That is why I got you here, son.
No, I did. You understand?
It was my influence.
-Sign it. -I'll make a deal with you.
-Here we go again. -No listen Mr. Vasquez.
-Come down to the dojo tonight - -I can't -
I have an engagement with my family.
You're scared to step one foot in KCK.
I'm not afraid of Kansas City, Kansas.
One little toe.
I am not afraid of Kansas City, Kansas!
I'm afraid of embarrassing
myself in front of your sensei.
-Whatever man. -My karate's weak...
Your excuse is weak.
You've been doing martial arts for 38 years!
I am not creating excuses Luther!
I am arguing here. I don't wanna argue.
I'm supposed to provide you with counseling Luther.
Really.
Besides I only have one good technique...
The Yoko Tobi Geri!
The DOUBLE JUMP KICK!!!
And that'll do.
You always...
That'll do.
Maybe.
Heather: Let's go over the boats
part. No, let's go over the storms part.
Petal: Storms and floods, storms and floods...
Petal: Storms and floods, storms and floods...
Honey, that's gonna be an amazing solo.
That's not the solo!
I rescheduled a surgery for this Santiago!
I'll be there!
Dad's not coming?
Baby this is her debut.
Santiago: I'm just gonna help
a kid, not gonna take that long.
Heather: Ok, let's do the boats part.
We ride the boats...
...we sink the boats.
That's the solo.
Petal, Daddy's gonna take thousands of pictures, ok?
Please don't embarrass me.
Keep eating.
C'mere.
Heather: And Bubba? Santiago: Bubba?
Bubba. What about Bubba?
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah...
After the show we'll go to City Pets -
City Pets is closed after, I told you that.
I can take care of it.
You make me wanna kick every
tooth in that grin down your throat.
Until you're choking on teeth.
I will do it.
I will go.
Santiago: I will go.
I will get a Bubba.
Santiago: I will pick out a Bubba,
Santiago: Bubba will come with me,
Santiago: I will meet you at the church,
Santiago: and when it is all over,
Santiago: ...we'll present our daughter...
Santiago: ...with the Bubba of her dreams.
Don't fuck this up. Bird: Ixnay, ixnay.
Say good bye to Daddy. Daddy's gonna go bye-byes.
Bird: Bye bye
Baby hooker, shooting your gun.
Baby hooker, shooting your gun.
Oh baby hooker.
Baby hooker...
Hi, Mr. Armstrong?
Yes, sir, what can I do for you?
I'm a guidance counselor at St. Cyril's...
Santiago Vasquez -
Mr. Vasquez!
How are you sir?
Face to face at last.
Yes sir.
You have changed a young man's fortunes.
Baby hooker...
I'm just doing my job sir.
Don't be humble goddamn it!
All our fortunes!
Yes sir.
I know Carol feels the same.
I'd invite you up, but the fumes
tend to bring on the dry heaves.
Luther will be sorry he missed you too.
Luther is not here?
No, he went to karate.
He went to karate.
I think so. One second.
Mr. Armstrong, did Luther give you a slip?
Seems like he gave us all the slip.
Carol 1, come in. This is your husband, over.
Carol 1, come in. This is your husband, over.
I can't hear
you over the centrifugal cycle, baby!
She can't hear me over the centrifugal cycle.
Personally, that's my favorite cycle.
He's at the beauty shop!
Is that Mr. Vasquez?
We love you Mr. Vasquez!
Apparently Luther has departed for the beauty shop.
The beauty shop...
What's that?
Santiago: That's for my daughter.
What happened? I thought we had a deal.
-What'd they say? -Who?
My parents, what'd they say to you?
They sent me here.
Did you tell anyone?
-About what? -About the beauty shop.
Who am I gonna tell?
You never know man, you never know.
Santiago: A deal is a deal, young man.
I need to get the demerit form signed by your parents.
How many times do I gotta tell you ok?
I understood you the first 3000 times you said it.
Well, but things are not happening.
And please, please Luther -
Be careful with the bunny!
Santiago: I don't allow the...
...external locus of control to guide my life.
Can you defend yourself?
It's a simple question.
Possibly, give the circumstances, but -
I prefer to use verbal judo.
- I prefer to converse with people.
- That's not gonna work with everyone.
Santiago: We have to communicate.
This is why men go to war, from lack of diplomacy.
The moment we stop conversing with each other...
...we regress.
We become animal-like. We wanna kill each other.
Luther, for the love of God, put the bunny down please.
You're gonna make him sick.
Your agitation is agitating the bunny.
My stress is stressing -
Look, it's all shook up, look.
Welcome to my dojo.
-Mr. Vasquez has been doing
karate for 38 years - -Not continuously.
You are a master like me, a black belt!
Not yet.
-Huh? -Not yet.
After 38 years?
38 years off and on, sir.
You must be a slow learner.
Yes, I'm a slow learner.
What do you have for me?
No, sir, it's for my daughter.
I'll just... put it back here ok?
Higher!
Mr. Choki: Kick higher!
Kick like a man!
What are you doing?
I pulled a hamstring. Mr. Choki: Break!
When you said your karate was weak
I though you were just being humble.
I should get Counselor of the Year for this torture.
No seriously. What happened to that double kick?
That's how I hurt my hamstring, ok?
When this class is over, you, me and your parents -
They're probably already in bed!
You get yourself expelled
and you can kiss M.I.T. goodbye.
M.I.T. needs me more than I need M.I.T.!
Santiago: Yeah... yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Your shins are like steel, man.
Yeah... I do this a lot when I'm alone.
Go and get him.
Off.
Mr. Choki: Off.
I'm taking it off. We gotta go.
Off the mat!
Luther get in the car.
Luther get in the car.
Luther get in the car!
Please! Do we have a problem?
No! Shit a shit, man. Go shit.
Intern 1: Man... Fuckin...
I have to go.
Luther what is going on here?
Mr. Choki: Off.
Hurry up!
Um, the sensei would just like
you to step off the mat, please.
Intern 2: We're leaving! We're leaving buddy!
Calm down! If -
Tough guy!
If the kid is leaving, he's leaving with me.
No no, it's ok. I'll leave with him.
I have somewhere to be.
-What are you doing? -These are Mr. Choki's.
Get outta here! I mean can comeowma here!
I just want you to calm down.
I'm calm down!
Off!
Intern 1: We're on a schedule man.
These are Mr. Choki's.
I don't care.
Off the mat!
What?
How long does it take to get 'em off?
Young man please, calm down. Listen to me for a second.
Let's take a deep breath, please.
There is no reason to get upset.
Take a deep breath, relax...
Breathe... here we go. Calm down, relax. Now look.
He's not comin' yet.
Listen to me for a second.
He said I gotta get him to come
and he's not comin', we gotta go.
Look, let's do this -
He's got a guy that's tellin' him what to do...
...and then I'm gonna get in trouble.
And he's gonna get in trouble too!
You seem to be a reasonable young
man, please - tell him to calm down.
Don't tell him to tell me what to do!
He needs to stop vituperating. He's too...
I can hear you, I'm standing right here.
Look young man, may I say something to you?
Out!
I'm a professional counselor.
I work with kids just like you.
Please, let me help you out.
Help, hm...
What are you gonna do, give me me a hug?
-If you want a hug I - -I don't want one.
Get in the car, Luther.
You wanna hug this guy? You
wanna hug this little guy right here?
Why don't you give this a goddamned hug?
OUT!
Say, "I'm a little baby".
I'm a baby, I'm a little baby.
'Cause you look like a baby right now.
I'm a dirty baby yes yes yes.
And you'll be a big crybaby!
Yes I'm, uh, a crying baby, right?
Say, "I'm a baby who goes wah wah".
Yes, I'm a crying baby, yes!
-Yeah say that. -I'm a baby!
-Yeah! -I'm a baby, yeah.
And you've got a dirty diaper!
Yeah with a filthy diaper.
Yeah it's filthy!
Yeah it's filthy.
-It's sick, and you need help wiping! -Yes.
Say, "Where's my mommy?", cry for her.
Where's my mommy please?
Yes.
And you'll tell Luther that he has to come with us!
Listen to him Luther!
You hear that?
I don't wanna die...
He doesn't wanna die,
...and Mommy's gonna save him if
Luther plays Mommy and comes the hell on!
What do you want?
Off the mat.
Fuck! Shit shit!
Off the mat!
Damn, my goddamned fingers are broken!
He's dead.
Dead?
This guy's dead.
Luther, look what you made me do!
Dang... dang... dang...
Who the fuck's rabbit?
Santiago: I changed my mind.
Put everything back the way it was.
Santiago: I won't do it, it's not right!
Luther: Mr. Vasquez - Santiago: No.
Santiago: Oh Christ. Luther: Mr. Vasquez -
-I've changed my mind. Put everything
- -Do you know Chester Sullens?
- And then I'm calling the police, I won't do it.
- You wasted one of his soldiers.
-It's not right. -You wasted one of his soldiers!
Who's Chester Sullens?
People call him Blitz.
You know what he did to his own brother's face...
...with a can opener?
You need to start thinking
about your family and stuff, man.
Oh Christ - Petal!
Damn it, damn it!
I have to call the police right now.
Mr. Vasquez, Blitz gonna fuck
you up. Excuse my language.
Maybe I should call my lawyer.
It's fixed. We fixed it.
Hey, Jim Schweers.
Leave it alone, man.
It doesn't look quite... right.
It's right. Right?
Ok we'll do it.
Who killed my fucking interns?
Well, this guy over here...
He, and then he, and...
The Venezuelan over there.
Luther!
-I didn't know there'd be guns! Sorry! -What!?
Luther!
Get that guy!
-They have machine guns. Please...
No please stop please!
Oh God no don't go, please.
-Why are you chasing me? -I don't know!
No no.
-These guys are killers! -No no.
No no no!
Don't run. Be cool. We just wanna talk.
Get in the car, moron.
Security!
Look, you may think life has nothing better
to offer than violence and intimidation.
I'm telling you it does. I know. I
work with kids like you every day.
I'm 34 years old. Get in the fucking car!
Security!
You're a witness! They're threatening me!
Don't talk Mexican, just get in the car.
Get in the car, moron.
I only mention it because
I'm about to kick this guy in the face.
Bang bang bang bang!
Yoko Tobi Geri!
Doorman: Maria donde esta
security?
Doorman:
Tammy: Hey over here!
Tammy: Hey over here, it's me Tammy!
TAMMY!
Tammy: What is -? Good gracious.
Is that a kung-fu restaurant where you work?
Oh my goodness. Hon, look at this.
Eladio: Oooh that's raw...
Tammy: C'est merveilleux.
You look way better than your profile pic.
Hon he looks way better than his profile pic.
Eladio: Lots of flakes, fakes and
creeps out there. False advertising.
By the way, my name is Eladio, you must be Delberto.
Yes, Delberto...
Eladio: R.V.Love.com? You been a member long?
Gold card member, yes.
Oh boy, all right.
You shy?
Muy timido? Eh?
Muy timido?
Un poco.
Well that's too bad, because we're
gonna have to scrub your dick in this sink.
You like baths?
You know, I told you online, in English and Spanish.
Pants go there, and I'll get the water right.
Eladio: Oh that's raw.
Eladio: You like water sports?
Eladio: He does...
So what about those Royals?
Heh, you like ball?
I'd say it's too soon... to tell.
Oh I know, I'm always so hopeful all year...
Until the end of the... season.
Boy you...
Must be a rough joint where you work.
Can we go a little faster please?
Fast as you want.
Absolutely. Give me that cup.
I mean the RV. I don't feel safe in this neighborhood.
Eladio likes the stop signs.
Eladio: Let's me able to watch the proceedings.
Can we go just a little bit faster please Eladio?
If he speeds up, will you take off that jock...
...and let me give your junk a dunk?
Yeah yeah. Just go faster please.
Get on the parkway hon.
Oh Tammy.
Deal's a deal!
Ro-Tel: Bye bye!
Show me your love.
Show me your love, show me your love...
Ooh boy.
Oh well.
Here we go, right up here, the water's nice.
And it's a little bit of a distance problem.
Up on your tippy-toes! There we go.
-That tickles. -There we go.
God... you're not a shower or a grower, are you?
Be gentle with him honey.
It tickles.
We're gonna get you clean.
I think that's enough, it's clean.
There's just a brush here.
We'll scrub you.
Clean. Very clean.
Not so hard please.
I'll be easy, I'll be easy.
That's enough, that's enough.
-Are you clean? -Yes, I'm clean.
Are you clean?
It's done, ok, thank you.
-ARE YOU CLEAN? -That's enough.
ARE YOU CLEAN?
Yes! I'm clean I'm clean I'm clean.
That's wasn't so bad, was it?
Eladio pull over please!
He usually does...
Here.
Put that back on the oven when you're through.
Stop please!
Tammy: Oooh yeah.
Eladio: Now you just hold on there, big boy.
Before you get down to it...
...Tammy likes me to record
everything in this here measuring book.
Happy wife, happy life?
I'm gonna make a flip book of
the action while it's going on.
It's Velveeta night.
You're gonna go on a cruise, boy!
KCK style!
Eladio: Another flake...
Another flake!
Phone. I need a phone.
I need a phone.
Oh shit!
Please, kill me.
Blitz... kill me.
Please kill me.
-I swear he moved. -C'mon. Grab him by the wrists.
Speed it up, Spanky.
Ro-Tel: Man, I swear he moved! Mr. Peacock: Grab his wrists.
I just wanna go home.
I just wanna go home to my mommy.
Petal... Bubba...
Jenkem Guy: Hellllp!
I just wanna go home.
Jenkem Guy: Helllp!
Jenkem Guy: Hellllp!
Jenkem Guy: Hellllp!
If you're here to steal, don't bother!
Take as you wish.
That's my tree...
...and them's the fruits of my tree.
In fact, if you climb on up there...
You can fetch me down one too!
That's a good man.
Look, do you happen to have a phone?
Or maybe some... pants?
Got a shirt.
They make real good pants!
I'd go up myself but my legs are all wobbly.
Sir you don't have to live this way.
There are places you can go -
Hold it right there son.
I'm far too old to sport with.
No... sport with? I just want to help.
Help? You can fetch me down a ripe one...
...and I'll give you a shirt to wear for pants.
I don't wanna go up there...
Do it!
A little higher... a little higher.
That one all the way at the tippy-top.
And this is what, moonshine?
Jenkem. Called jenkem.
It's got a little bit of an odor.
That's an organic fermentation
process. It's all natural.
Sort of like, what do they call it
- potash? Made out of potatoes?
Sometimes potatoes...
Santiago: Hello...
Hello?
Hellooo...
Thanks for the pants.
I'm just gonna leave this by your little front do -
Oh you got my medicine.
Hold on, sonny.
Taking your advice and gonna
spend a night in the shelter.
That's tippy-top stuff!
You think a fella can get a
sandwich in this here shelter?
I gotta get some solids in me.
This new batch just ain't cuttin' it!
Sir, I have to go now.
Great, what'd you have for dinner?
Don't you wanna help?
Don't you wanna help?
You said, you said you'd..
...you said you'd helllllllllp!
Mr. Peacock: So your mom got bit by a dog, I hear?
Yeah she lost three fingers.
She still kinda has trouble picking things up.
She got her three fingers bit off by a dog.
Yeah, bit 'em right off.
Ro-Tel: She decided to sew 'em
back on but they don't work that good.
Wait, she sewed them back on?
Yeah she sewed 'em back on herself...
...but they don't work too good.
Mr. Peacock: Yeah I used to train terriers.
Mr. Peacock: Throw 'em in a Rubbermaid
container, shake 'em up real good.
Made a lot of money.
Blew it all...
...on hats and socks and champagne.
Then there was these two
possums fighting in the couch,
...and they bit my mom in the ass.
Ro-Tel: Then on top of that
she got bit by a cat, on the face...
...and now her face doesn't work too good.
Mr. Peacock: Wow.
Your mom is an animal lover, I guess.
Ro-Tel: Woof.
Mr. Peacock: You got somethin'?
Got somethin' boy?
Get it! Get it get it get it!
Yeah!
Get it, get it, get it boy yeah!
Ro-Tel: Woo-hoo!
I'm almost home!
Oh shit. Luther!
Luther!
Mr. Peacock: Pull out the Magnum.
Bang, bang, bang, bang!
Flamethrower.
Kill me.
Shoulder cannon.
Boom!
He's dead.
Please.
Stop right there!
Santiago: Oh you fuckin' kid!
Luther!
Blitz: Ro-Tel! Ro-Tel!
Why can't we be brothers?
You're not my brother.
You're my caddy!
Luther!
Luther!
You're my caddy.
Why did you try to get away?
'Cause you were naked and chasing me -
Tell me what's happening.
Look at me!
I borrowed money from Blitz's Mom -
What is this? Tell me what is this!
I took money from Blitz's Mom
and I'm returning it, that's all.
You borrowed money?
Basically!
This isn't about drugs?
I swear!
OK!
Why is this happening to me?
Oh God.
I just wanna get the little rabbit.
WHY???
Before we do anything we're calling the police.
There's nothing to confess to, they took the bodies.
What difference does it make, they're after me!
Nobody knows you were there. I
got your stuff, and I moved your car.
-What about Bubba? -Who?
Blitz got your Bubba.
-No! -Yep
Give me my phone.
It would be stupid to call the police!
Give me my phone!
That was a nice phone.
-Give it to me Luther! -I don't have it ok, I don't have it!
-Where is it? -That's how I got this bike!
What?!
Hey!
You knew from the start that lady
wanted her money back tonight, Blitz's Mom.
Yeah.
And you knew her son was a nasty animal!
Yeah.
I have never, not once, used a
swear word in front of a student.
Knowingly that is, knowingly!
But Luther...
What the fuck were you thinking?
What the fuck were you fucking
thinking when you invited me to...
...Kansas City, Kansas?
I thought you had a double-kick and stuff.
You lured me here to fight?
Duh.
-To fight? -Yeah!
I do not fight!
I'm a fucking guidance counselor!
You really let me down tonight Mr. Vasquez.
Blitz's Mom: Cat!
Blitz's Mom: Cat.
Blitz's Mom: Go get run over over, ya jerk.
Brb.
Luther. Luther! Come back.
Luther hey... Come back!
Tell me what you needed $9000
of that lady's fuckin' money for!
Go back to not cussin' at me Mr. Vasquez.
-Just tell me! -I can't do that!
I killed for you tonight!
You understand? I took a life!
I really can't say another word
until the patent goes through.
I invented something!
You invented something.
At school. Freshman year. AP Chem.
Ok...
School's gonna want a cut.
-Ok - -It's mine.
Nobody else's. I made it. My money.
You feel what I'm saying?
I'm not feeling it.
Won't matter after I pay this back.
Blitz's Mom: You know who you look like?
Anybody ever tell you you look like Robert Mitchum?
Anybody ever tell you that?
He's a pretty man ain't he.
I'm gonna cum on you!
Blitz's Mom: I'd hug ya, but I just got me a new tattoo.
Oh what the hell. C'mere boy.
Shit, still hurts. You wanna see it?
-Sure. Wow...
He's a pretty man ain't he?
I know something'll take that sting away...
Get that money. Get that money.
Get it. Get it!
- Hi ma'am, I'm here with Luther.
- What do you want? -I'm with Luther.
What does that mean?
Well basically that his parents have
appointed me his guardian for the evening.
You talk like a cop!
Who is this Luther?
That's Jesus, he's with Big Brothers and Big Sisters.
Big Brothers and Big Sisters, huh?
Well which one are you?
I'm just playin'.
-C'mon in. -Thank you.
Hey Luther.
I just poured me a Pepsi, you want a Pepsi?
That would be great, thank you.
My Uncle Jimmy, he used to say, "Go on
down yonder get that sweetwater, girl."
I'd say, "What?", he'd say, "Pepsi girl, Pepsi!"...
You eyeballin' my Stu?
My son brung him to me.
What do you think of my Stu?
Stu?
Well stew or fry, I ain't quite made up my mind yet.
Yeah stay for dinner. Uh-oh what's that?
Blood.
I hope he ain't sick, I'd hate to have to flush him!
Ma'am I have to be honest with you.
This is the same rabbit I purchased
for my daughter a few hours ago.
She's in a little show tonight, and
we wanted to surprise her with a pet.
I suggested a turkle, but I was overruled.
This is Bubba.
Are you out of your mind? What are you trying to say?
This is my rabbit.
Are you saying my son took that rabbit from you?
I don't want to point any fingers, but the evidence -
Don't you tell me another lie.
Ma'am, this is the same bunny.
You tell me another lie!
Ma'am I'm sorry, are you ok?
Sit down and finish your sweetwater.
I'm so sorry, I apologize!
Pitiful.
Might not believe it, I used to be a tough old bird.
I believe it.
Well if you're gonna take that damn rodent
with you, you're gonna need his chow.
Not necessary, thank you so much.
My daughter has her little heart
set on it, you know how it is with kids.
Same here, I'd do anything for my boys.
Set your bastard ass down.
You put my dinner on the floor.
Here it is, it's yours ok?
You think you're gonna steal
my supper like he stole my money?
He borrowed that money...
Bullcrap!
He afriended me on Facebook,
...got my grandbabies' names, guessed
my passwords in my checking account,
...he been stealing money from my retirement
for the last two motherfuckin' years!
That's because Blitz is a dick!
What'd he ever do to you, eh?
He tortured me.
You say that again I'm gonna give you a poke!
Ma'am please!
I knew your son, he just didn't know my name.
I'm the kid with the Dad with the fucked-up face.
Coach: Kick it! Kick it!
Luther: Just acne.
Luther: Not face-AIDS.
Luther: Blitz told everyone my
Dad had face-AIDS at football!
Face-AIDS! That's pretty good!
Face-AIDS, that's a good one.
-Can you put the knife down? -Kiss my ass.
Can you put the knife down please!
Get your ass in the basement.
You already have your money - and the rabbit!
Blitz's Mom: I'm so happy to get my money back...
-Luther! Everything is gonna be alright.
Blitz's's Mom: Shut up shitwind, I'm trying
to make a motherfuckin' phone call here.
Ro-Tel: Hey Mommy. Blitz's Mom: Get
over here baby and bring your brother!
Ro-Tel: What? Blitz's Mom: Get
over here bitch! Get over here.
Man put your gun away. Makin' me nervous.
- What's Mommy wearing right now?
- What? -What's Mommy wearing right now?
Are you out of your mind? Get over here!
Blitz's Mom: Hold on a minute.
Blit's Mom: Hey did you remember to lock that
window down there? Ro-Tel: Uh-huh, maybe.
Blitz's Mom: Nevermind I see that snakey
son of a bitch trying to get away right now!
Get over here baby, get over here!
Bye bye!
Santiago: Luther!
Santiago: Luther! Luther!
C'mon. Quit draggin' your feet!
I got a shovel, I got a shovel!
Shut up!
No no no, I got a remedy for ya here.
Don't you worry about a thing, I'm gonna fix you right up.
Got a old-time remedy, baby.
Somethin' my Grammy taught me.
It's all right I got it, I got it.
I gotcha.
I'm gonna fix you right up here.
If I don't do this you're gonna
have a big-ass knot on your head.
I've already got a big-ass knot on my head!
You need a cushion or something, c'mon.
I'll get you a tissue...
Take this hat off your head.
-It's goin' down. -It's not fuckin' goin' down.
Santiago: Oh shi - Mr. Peacock: Shit!
It's goin' down!
Whoa stop!
You crazy bastard trying to kill my chicks!
That was close.
I think I bit my tongue.
No shit.
Do you have a phone?
Santiago: Hello. Yeah. What?
Santiago: Santiago. Hello?
A boy is in the house. Luther!
Blitz's Mom's house.
She's in there with this...
...big freakin' knife.
There's nothing that I can do.
Santiago: I'm in the basement
with the body from the dojo!
Dead people!
I am locked in the basement
with the body from the dojo.
Two dead people!
Give me the phone dude.
I am locked in the basement...
...with the boy that I killed.
Santiago: That I killed!
Give me the phone dude.
Wait, no no don't go. Hello? Hello?
You're bleeding on my phone dude.
She hung up on me.
Take care of your mouth, man. Lupita's inside.
She hung up on me!
I got something new from the
guy that makes that other stuff.
What other stuff?
The stuff I'm gonna put on your head.
Lay down.
"It Heals and It Conceals".
Stick your tongue out.
God, you're really fucked up.
You're gonna be fine.
In the morning, when you wake up,
your tongue shall be healed -
...your head too.
That's impossible.
Well just wait and see.
You know in 5 minutes I can give
you a full spiritual cleansing, $15.
Why would I need that?
Because of the fucking blood on your soul.
-Wha...? -Tienes el mal de ojo, hijo de puta.
Voice: Lupita! Lupita: Goddamn, my placenta is burning.
You leave unclean, you pay the consequences.
Luther's voice: "I invented something!"
Lupita! Lupita!
Lupita, what is this stuff?
Kid: I'm taking these chicks
to Hector. I'll see you tomorrow.
Hey you get back, you're radioactive.
Oh come on, no!
You son of a -!
Santiago: Come on, Vasquez.
Man up.
You gotta be hard.
No fear, no regrets...
All you gotta do...
...is get a new Bubba,
...sit next to your wife,
...hear your little girl sing, then -
...stay the fuck away from KCK.
And no one will ever, ever...
...know.
Bepsy: Mr. Vasquez!
Bepsy...
Hi Bepsy.
dream Santiago: Luther!
Santiago: Luther!
Come to mommy. Come to mommy.
We're here.
-Hi! -Hi.
-Two more, then she's on. -Who?
-Really? -I am so thrilled to see you!
-Really? -These guys are amazing!
You don't know how thrilled I am to see you!
-Where's Bubba? -I can talk again!
That stuff is amazing! Look.
Look!
Are you wasted?
Where's Bubba?
This is the new Bubba.
Look, isn't he beautiful? So tiny!
I knew you'd fuck this up.
Petal's gonna love it.
I'm telling you she's gonna like it.
I knew you'd fuck this Bubba shit up.
Santiago: Quick call. Heather: What?
-I don't want this! -Be right back.
-Luther's outside.
I'm gonna call the police right now.
Call. And we'll kill him.
Don't do it, stupid.
When my brother cut me...
...he said, "Now I'm the pretty one!"
Hey. Aqui!
Bang motherfucker.
Put your fucking gun away.
Take that.
Luther, out!
God damn.
Blitz: Fuck did you put this man, in Easter eggs?
What the fuck do you bury Easter eggs in the backyard -
Luther: The beauty shop.
-Which one has the pages? -The yellow one.
-This one? -Yeah.
Ha ha, there it is.
Put this in his fuckin face.
Hi, my name's Pateek.
I wrote this music,
...and I would like to dedicate it to...
...the squirrel that we killed
coming down here tonight.
Blitz: You see that?
So this says supposedly how much you
put in to Luther's stupid shitshow shit:
What? Blitz: 9,743 fuckin' dollars
About as much came up missin'
from our Mom's bank account.
Put it together.
All that cash Luther stole from my mom?
He was laundering it through you, jackwipe.
What?
Principal investor, VP
Industries: Santiago Vasquez?
Santiago: Luther. You forged my signature?
Uh-huh, is that your fuckin' signature?
You sign that shit?
It's my name.
I didn't ask you that, I asked if you signed it.
No.
We're gonna be rich! Rich as hell. How about that?
Dang, that's good.
Blitz: Get that butter, you
know what I'm saying? Get paper!
Look I gotta be inside there! What do you want from me?
I want a little note on there
saying that that's not you.
That's what I want.
Yeah for the lawyer man.
Luther. What is this?
Luther: I told you Mr. Vasquez, I invented something.
Blitz: All that money that
Luther stole, I'm gettin' it all back.
Luther: We're workin' together.
We're merging our operations.
Luther: They got the trucks, man.
Got a cousin who's a trucker, he's a cousin trucker.
Sign the paper. That's all you
gotta do and you'll be done.
Santiago: I can't, Luther.
I want you to sign it.
It's been a horrible night, and I have to get
back to my little girl and my wife, and...
...you've got this problem, right?
Luther: They're gonna kill you man.
Blitz: You ain't goin' nowhere.
Santiago: You shoulda listened to me.
...in the form of a love poem for Mother Nature.
As you know, natural disasters are on the rise.
-Please sign this. -Sign the fuckin' paper now.
Please? Please? Please?
Luther: Mr. Vasquez sign the
paper man, stop playin' around.
You want me to sign that. Blitz: Yes.
Earthquakes,
Blitz: Give him the pen!
Santiago: You want me to sign this.
Blitz: Sign it with ink or sign it with blood, big guy.
...sandstorms,
You need to sign my slip!
Luther what about your promise?
What about your parents Luther?
Luther: Oh my God. Santiago: What about you?
Luther look -
...mudslides, landslides,
If he don't sign it I'm gonna pistol
whip you til you piss your fuckin' pants.
You hear what he's saying? Sign the paper!
You said he was a fuckin' patsy you said he was an idiot -
Luther: I didn't say he was an idiot. Santiago: Luther...
...now make him fuckin' sign the
paper or I'm gonna be all over you...
...like fuckin' shit on stink!
You want this to happen? Please!
Do it!
Santiago: What about this paper Luther?
Who is going to sign this?
Well...
I guess nobody, nobody now, so -
I gotta go. Bye
Blitz: Just put your initials on it or something.
Why won't you do that real quick?
You know what, fuck this.
Ro-Tel...
He's got about ten fuckin' seconds
to sign this fuckin' paper, or else!
Or else what?
Blast his fuckin' ass!
BANG BANGBANGBANGBANG!
...hailstorms,
Wait for it wait for it wait for it.
Don't shoot him yet, let him cry.
-Now one on the balls! -BANGBANGBANGBANG!
...volcanic eruptions,
Two to the head, one to the balls!
Two to the head, one to the balls!
Reload! Reload!
...solar flares,
You got ten fuckin' seconds to
sign this fuckin' paper, or else!
Or else what?
...floods, hurricanes, tornadoes,
Kiss my gun... kiss my gun...
Nine holes Ro-Tel - count it down.
Don't you golf that goddamn rabbit I'm warning you!
Let the countdown begin.
Ro-Tel: Nine, eight -
Ro-Tel: Don't make me your caddy.
Louder!
I will not be victimized, Ro-Tel: Seven...
Louder!
Come on Mr. Vasquez, this is not a game!
...sodomized,
Blitz: Count it down!
...and traumatized!
Ro-Tel: Five!
Say it!
Five five five five five!
And demoralized! Do you hear me?
Say it!
Oh it's all too beautiful.
Blitz: Say it!
Ro-Tel: Four!
Louder!
Did you hear me?
...and deforestation.
Fore...
In spite of all this,
...Mother Nature,
Fore... skin!
...I love you.
choir: Ready, go.
What?!
Choir: Storms and floods, storms and floods...
Blitz: Whoo!
Blitz: Fits pretty nice, moneybags...
Wonder if your wife fits this good.
Santiago: It ain't over!
Fires and quakes, fires and quakes...
Volcanic eruptions!
Volcanic eruptions!
Volcanic eruptions!
Volcanic eruptions! Floods...
Time out. Time out!
Time out? There's no "time out".
Floods, fires, quakes, wind, rain, storms...
Petal!
-Time out! Time out! -No time out!
Wildfires...
Oh yeah, I wear the pants now son!
Now I'm gonna go take care of your wife!
Wildfires...
Wildfires...
I'm gonna guidance counsel your soul to fuckin' hell!
You shoulda listened! You
shoulda listened to your Mom!
And stayed in fucking school!
Stayed in school! You shoulda listened!
We ride the boats...
We sink the boats...
We sink the boats...
What the fuck are you doing!
Every... every fight... every fight deserves a break.
-I gotta go see my wife. -Time out! Time out!
Oh yeah? Time out you fat fuck.
I'm gonna wear your skin motherfucker!
And then fuck your wife!
Wait for me...
We sink -
Honey!
Shut the fuck up!
Hot chocolate, on my body...
Maybe I just never had the right woman in my life.
What kinda women you like?
Tiny brunettes.
How tiny?
Tiny... and loose.
How loose?
Oh real loose, real loose.
Winds and rain and winds and rain and -
Winds and rain and winds and rain and -
Winds and rain and winds and rain and -
Don't move.
I'm experiencing discomfort.
Oh God, don't move.
And nausea...
Please don't move.
And diarrhea, and heartburn.
Oh God don't move.
Don't...
Don't...
Don't you te... te...
Don't move.
Don't tell me how to live my life!
Oh God don't move please.
Oh my God!
I told you not to move!
Are you sure he's inside?
Yeah, he's listening to that racket.
Like a little nip?
Never in front of a student.
But I like your style.
What's that?
Oh shit. Blood.
I told you not to move...
Floods!
Where are you going?
I'm gonna bleed all over your fucking family!
Mother!
Nature!
Yoko Tobi Geri!
Yoko Tobi Geri ahhh!
I broke my dick.
Blow his brains out! I don't like this part!
Are you that stupid? Shoot him!
No, I don't like this.
He's a witness, shoot him!
I don't like this part!
Are you gonna leave a witness? Are you that stupid?
Shoot him! Shoot him now!
Bang!
Lot of fuckin' good that did. His head's still on.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
My brother makes me kill. Sorry.
Do it right, nutsack.
Put your gun in his mouth,
and blow the top of his head off.
Bang!
Put your gun in his mouth, and -
I don't wanna do that.
No you don't wanna do that.
Put the gun in his mouth and blow the
top of his head off!
I don't wanna do that!
No you don't wanna do that.
Put the gun in his mouth and blow
the top of his head off!
-I don't wanna do that! -No you don't want to do that.
Put the gun in his mouth and
blow the top of his head off!
Bang! Bang! Bang.
Don't think Mom's not gonna hear about this!
Blitz: Get in the fuckin' car.
Blitz: Take your shovel.
Go go go go!
Turkle. Tur-kle. T-U-R-T-L-E, turkle.
It is the perfect pet!
Santiago: See, rabbits are promiscuous.
We want something decent in the house.
Santiago: They just have sex and sex and sex, quick sex.
Santiago: Turkles, they make love!
Fine, she gets a rabbit.
Problem solved.
Kiss kiss!
Bepsy!
Hi Bepsy...
It's about Luther...
"Expelled"?
Hey, Vasquez!
A boy like that should be kept in a cage...
Monday!
Monday. Got it.
Before prayer breakfast!
7:30, got it.
Yeah well get it! Get it signed or Luther's out. Go!
Luther's a good kid!
Luther's a good kid.
-Any questions? -Yeah I got one.
What is it?
- When you gonna do karate with
me - -Luther once again here we go.
You said you would.
Never. The answer is never.
Especially when you keep doing stuff
like this. My reputation is on the line.
I had to vouch for you with Administration.
I don't need anybody to vouch for me.
I didn't steal nothin'.
I never said you were caught
stealing, you were caught returning!
This is not the first time.
You got no case.
They want you to sign this. The
want your parents to sign it too.
Are you making drugs? Are you cooking meth?
Drugs Mr. Vasquez? That's kid's stuff.
Do you remember the first time we met?
Yes I do...
I said Oh my God, I am in the presence of a true genius!
I knew you would bring great honor to this place.
That is why I got you here, son.
No, I did. You understand?
It was my influence.
-Sign it. -I'll make a deal with you.
-Here we go again. -No listen Mr. Vasquez.
-Come down to the dojo tonight - -I can't -
I have an engagement with my family.
You're scared to step one foot in KCK.
I'm not afraid of Kansas City, Kansas.
One little toe.
I am not afraid of Kansas City, Kansas!
I'm afraid of embarrassing
myself in front of your sensei.
-Whatever man. -My karate's weak...
Your excuse is weak.
You've been doing martial arts for 38 years!
I am not creating excuses Luther!
I am arguing here. I don't wanna argue.
I'm supposed to provide you with counseling Luther.
Really.
Besides I only have one good technique...
The Yoko Tobi Geri!
The DOUBLE JUMP KICK!!!
And that'll do.
You always...
That'll do.
Maybe.
Heather: Let's go over the boats
part. No, let's go over the storms part.
Petal: Storms and floods, storms and floods...
Petal: Storms and floods, storms and floods...
Honey, that's gonna be an amazing solo.
That's not the solo!
I rescheduled a surgery for this Santiago!
I'll be there!
Dad's not coming?
Baby this is her debut.
Santiago: I'm just gonna help
a kid, not gonna take that long.
Heather: Ok, let's do the boats part.
We ride the boats...
...we sink the boats.
That's the solo.
Petal, Daddy's gonna take thousands of pictures, ok?
Please don't embarrass me.
Keep eating.
C'mere.
Heather: And Bubba? Santiago: Bubba?
Bubba. What about Bubba?
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah...
After the show we'll go to City Pets -
City Pets is closed after, I told you that.
I can take care of it.
You make me wanna kick every
tooth in that grin down your throat.
Until you're choking on teeth.
I will do it.
I will go.
Santiago: I will go.
I will get a Bubba.
Santiago: I will pick out a Bubba,
Santiago: Bubba will come with me,
Santiago: I will meet you at the church,
Santiago: and when it is all over,
Santiago: ...we'll present our daughter...
Santiago: ...with the Bubba of her dreams.
Don't fuck this up. Bird: Ixnay, ixnay.
Say good bye to Daddy. Daddy's gonna go bye-byes.
Bird: Bye bye
Baby hooker, shooting your gun.
Baby hooker, shooting your gun.
Oh baby hooker.
Baby hooker...
Hi, Mr. Armstrong?
Yes, sir, what can I do for you?
I'm a guidance counselor at St. Cyril's...
Santiago Vasquez -
Mr. Vasquez!
How are you sir?
Face to face at last.
Yes sir.
You have changed a young man's fortunes.
Baby hooker...
I'm just doing my job sir.
Don't be humble goddamn it!
All our fortunes!
Yes sir.
I know Carol feels the same.
I'd invite you up, but the fumes
tend to bring on the dry heaves.
Luther will be sorry he missed you too.
Luther is not here?
No, he went to karate.
He went to karate.
I think so. One second.
Mr. Armstrong, did Luther give you a slip?
Seems like he gave us all the slip.
Carol 1, come in. This is your husband, over.
Carol 1, come in. This is your husband, over.
I can't hear
you over the centrifugal cycle, baby!
She can't hear me over the centrifugal cycle.
Personally, that's my favorite cycle.
He's at the beauty shop!
Is that Mr. Vasquez?
We love you Mr. Vasquez!
Apparently Luther has departed for the beauty shop.
The beauty shop...
What's that?
Santiago: That's for my daughter.
What happened? I thought we had a deal.
-What'd they say? -Who?
My parents, what'd they say to you?
They sent me here.
Did you tell anyone?
-About what? -About the beauty shop.
Who am I gonna tell?
You never know man, you never know.
Santiago: A deal is a deal, young man.
I need to get the demerit form signed by your parents.
How many times do I gotta tell you ok?
I understood you the first 3000 times you said it.
Well, but things are not happening.
And please, please Luther -
Be careful with the bunny!
Santiago: I don't allow the...
...external locus of control to guide my life.
Can you defend yourself?
It's a simple question.
Possibly, give the circumstances, but -
I prefer to use verbal judo.
- I prefer to converse with people.
- That's not gonna work with everyone.
Santiago: We have to communicate.
This is why men go to war, from lack of diplomacy.
The moment we stop conversing with each other...
...we regress.
We become animal-like. We wanna kill each other.
Luther, for the love of God, put the bunny down please.
You're gonna make him sick.
Your agitation is agitating the bunny.
My stress is stressing -
Look, it's all shook up, look.
Welcome to my dojo.
-Mr. Vasquez has been doing
karate for 38 years - -Not continuously.
You are a master like me, a black belt!
Not yet.
-Huh? -Not yet.
After 38 years?
38 years off and on, sir.
You must be a slow learner.
Yes, I'm a slow learner.
What do you have for me?
No, sir, it's for my daughter.
I'll just... put it back here ok?
Higher!
Mr. Choki: Kick higher!
Kick like a man!
What are you doing?
I pulled a hamstring. Mr. Choki: Break!
When you said your karate was weak
I though you were just being humble.
I should get Counselor of the Year for this torture.
No seriously. What happened to that double kick?
That's how I hurt my hamstring, ok?
When this class is over, you, me and your parents -
They're probably already in bed!
You get yourself expelled
and you can kiss M.I.T. goodbye.
M.I.T. needs me more than I need M.I.T.!
Santiago: Yeah... yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Your shins are like steel, man.
Yeah... I do this a lot when I'm alone.
Go and get him.
Off.
Mr. Choki: Off.
I'm taking it off. We gotta go.
Off the mat!
Luther get in the car.
Luther get in the car.
Luther get in the car!
Please! Do we have a problem?
No! Shit a shit, man. Go shit.
Intern 1: Man... Fuckin...
I have to go.
Luther what is going on here?
Mr. Choki: Off.
Hurry up!
Um, the sensei would just like
you to step off the mat, please.
Intern 2: We're leaving! We're leaving buddy!
Calm down! If -
Tough guy!
If the kid is leaving, he's leaving with me.
No no, it's ok. I'll leave with him.
I have somewhere to be.
-What are you doing? -These are Mr. Choki's.
Get outta here! I mean can comeowma here!
I just want you to calm down.
I'm calm down!
Off!
Intern 1: We're on a schedule man.
These are Mr. Choki's.
I don't care.
Off the mat!
What?
How long does it take to get 'em off?
Young man please, calm down. Listen to me for a second.
Let's take a deep breath, please.
There is no reason to get upset.
Take a deep breath, relax...
Breathe... here we go. Calm down, relax. Now look.
He's not comin' yet.
Listen to me for a second.
He said I gotta get him to come
and he's not comin', we gotta go.
Look, let's do this -
He's got a guy that's tellin' him what to do...
...and then I'm gonna get in trouble.
And he's gonna get in trouble too!
You seem to be a reasonable young
man, please - tell him to calm down.
Don't tell him to tell me what to do!
He needs to stop vituperating. He's too...
I can hear you, I'm standing right here.
Look young man, may I say something to you?
Out!
I'm a professional counselor.
I work with kids just like you.
Please, let me help you out.
Help, hm...
What are you gonna do, give me me a hug?
-If you want a hug I - -I don't want one.
Get in the car, Luther.
You wanna hug this guy? You
wanna hug this little guy right here?
Why don't you give this a goddamned hug?
OUT!
Say, "I'm a little baby".
I'm a baby, I'm a little baby.
'Cause you look like a baby right now.
I'm a dirty baby yes yes yes.
And you'll be a big crybaby!
Yes I'm, uh, a crying baby, right?
Say, "I'm a baby who goes wah wah".
Yes, I'm a crying baby, yes!
-Yeah say that. -I'm a baby!
-Yeah! -I'm a baby, yeah.
And you've got a dirty diaper!
Yeah with a filthy diaper.
Yeah it's filthy!
Yeah it's filthy.
-It's sick, and you need help wiping! -Yes.
Say, "Where's my mommy?", cry for her.
Where's my mommy please?
Yes.
And you'll tell Luther that he has to come with us!
Listen to him Luther!
You hear that?
I don't wanna die...
He doesn't wanna die,
...and Mommy's gonna save him if
Luther plays Mommy and comes the hell on!
What do you want?
Off the mat.
Fuck! Shit shit!
Off the mat!
Damn, my goddamned fingers are broken!
He's dead.
Dead?
This guy's dead.
Luther, look what you made me do!
Dang... dang... dang...
Who the fuck's rabbit?
Santiago: I changed my mind.
Put everything back the way it was.
Santiago: I won't do it, it's not right!
Luther: Mr. Vasquez - Santiago: No.
Santiago: Oh Christ. Luther: Mr. Vasquez -
-I've changed my mind. Put everything
- -Do you know Chester Sullens?
- And then I'm calling the police, I won't do it.
- You wasted one of his soldiers.
-It's not right. -You wasted one of his soldiers!
Who's Chester Sullens?
People call him Blitz.
You know what he did to his own brother's face...
...with a can opener?
You need to start thinking
about your family and stuff, man.
Oh Christ - Petal!
Damn it, damn it!
I have to call the police right now.
Mr. Vasquez, Blitz gonna fuck
you up. Excuse my language.
Maybe I should call my lawyer.
It's fixed. We fixed it.
Hey, Jim Schweers.
Leave it alone, man.
It doesn't look quite... right.
It's right. Right?
Ok we'll do it.
Who killed my fucking interns?
Well, this guy over here...
He, and then he, and...
The Venezuelan over there.
Luther!
-I didn't know there'd be guns! Sorry! -What!?
Luther!
Get that guy!
-They have machine guns. Please...
No please stop please!
Oh God no don't go, please.
-Why are you chasing me? -I don't know!
No no.
-These guys are killers! -No no.
No no no!
Don't run. Be cool. We just wanna talk.
Get in the car, moron.
Security!
Look, you may think life has nothing better
to offer than violence and intimidation.
I'm telling you it does. I know. I
work with kids like you every day.
I'm 34 years old. Get in the fucking car!
Security!
You're a witness! They're threatening me!
Don't talk Mexican, just get in the car.
Get in the car, moron.
I only mention it because
I'm about to kick this guy in the face.
Bang bang bang bang!
Yoko Tobi Geri!
Doorman: Maria donde esta
security?
Doorman:
Tammy: Hey over here!
Tammy: Hey over here, it's me Tammy!
TAMMY!
Tammy: What is -? Good gracious.
Is that a kung-fu restaurant where you work?
Oh my goodness. Hon, look at this.
Eladio: Oooh that's raw...
Tammy: C'est merveilleux.
You look way better than your profile pic.
Hon he looks way better than his profile pic.
Eladio: Lots of flakes, fakes and
creeps out there. False advertising.
By the way, my name is Eladio, you must be Delberto.
Yes, Delberto...
Eladio: R.V.Love.com? You been a member long?
Gold card member, yes.
Oh boy, all right.
You shy?
Muy timido? Eh?
Muy timido?
Un poco.
Well that's too bad, because we're
gonna have to scrub your dick in this sink.
You like baths?
You know, I told you online, in English and Spanish.
Pants go there, and I'll get the water right.
Eladio: Oh that's raw.
Eladio: You like water sports?
Eladio: He does...
So what about those Royals?
Heh, you like ball?
I'd say it's too soon... to tell.
Oh I know, I'm always so hopeful all year...
Until the end of the... season.
Boy you...
Must be a rough joint where you work.
Can we go a little faster please?
Fast as you want.
Absolutely. Give me that cup.
I mean the RV. I don't feel safe in this neighborhood.
Eladio likes the stop signs.
Eladio: Let's me able to watch the proceedings.
Can we go just a little bit faster please Eladio?
If he speeds up, will you take off that jock...
...and let me give your junk a dunk?
Yeah yeah. Just go faster please.
Get on the parkway hon.
Oh Tammy.
Deal's a deal!
Ro-Tel: Bye bye!
Show me your love.
Show me your love, show me your love...
Ooh boy.
Oh well.
Here we go, right up here, the water's nice.
And it's a little bit of a distance problem.
Up on your tippy-toes! There we go.
-That tickles. -There we go.
God... you're not a shower or a grower, are you?
Be gentle with him honey.
It tickles.
We're gonna get you clean.
I think that's enough, it's clean.
There's just a brush here.
We'll scrub you.
Clean. Very clean.
Not so hard please.
I'll be easy, I'll be easy.
That's enough, that's enough.
-Are you clean? -Yes, I'm clean.
Are you clean?
It's done, ok, thank you.
-ARE YOU CLEAN? -That's enough.
ARE YOU CLEAN?
Yes! I'm clean I'm clean I'm clean.
That's wasn't so bad, was it?
Eladio pull over please!
He usually does...
Here.
Put that back on the oven when you're through.
Stop please!
Tammy: Oooh yeah.
Eladio: Now you just hold on there, big boy.
Before you get down to it...
...Tammy likes me to record
everything in this here measuring book.
Happy wife, happy life?
I'm gonna make a flip book of
the action while it's going on.
It's Velveeta night.
You're gonna go on a cruise, boy!
KCK style!
Eladio: Another flake...
Another flake!
Phone. I need a phone.
I need a phone.
Oh shit!
Please, kill me.
Blitz... kill me.
Please kill me.
-I swear he moved. -C'mon. Grab him by the wrists.
Speed it up, Spanky.
Ro-Tel: Man, I swear he moved! Mr. Peacock: Grab his wrists.
I just wanna go home.
I just wanna go home to my mommy.
Petal... Bubba...
Jenkem Guy: Hellllp!
I just wanna go home.
Jenkem Guy: Helllp!
Jenkem Guy: Hellllp!
Jenkem Guy: Hellllp!
If you're here to steal, don't bother!
Take as you wish.
That's my tree...
...and them's the fruits of my tree.
In fact, if you climb on up there...
You can fetch me down one too!
That's a good man.
Look, do you happen to have a phone?
Or maybe some... pants?
Got a shirt.
They make real good pants!
I'd go up myself but my legs are all wobbly.
Sir you don't have to live this way.
There are places you can go -
Hold it right there son.
I'm far too old to sport with.
No... sport with? I just want to help.
Help? You can fetch me down a ripe one...
...and I'll give you a shirt to wear for pants.
I don't wanna go up there...
Do it!
A little higher... a little higher.
That one all the way at the tippy-top.
And this is what, moonshine?
Jenkem. Called jenkem.
It's got a little bit of an odor.
That's an organic fermentation
process. It's all natural.
Sort of like, what do they call it
- potash? Made out of potatoes?
Sometimes potatoes...
Santiago: Hello...
Hello?
Hellooo...
Thanks for the pants.
I'm just gonna leave this by your little front do -
Oh you got my medicine.
Hold on, sonny.
Taking your advice and gonna
spend a night in the shelter.
That's tippy-top stuff!
You think a fella can get a
sandwich in this here shelter?
I gotta get some solids in me.
This new batch just ain't cuttin' it!
Sir, I have to go now.
Great, what'd you have for dinner?
Don't you wanna help?
Don't you wanna help?
You said, you said you'd..
...you said you'd helllllllllp!
Mr. Peacock: So your mom got bit by a dog, I hear?
Yeah she lost three fingers.
She still kinda has trouble picking things up.
She got her three fingers bit off by a dog.
Yeah, bit 'em right off.
Ro-Tel: She decided to sew 'em
back on but they don't work that good.
Wait, she sewed them back on?
Yeah she sewed 'em back on herself...
...but they don't work too good.
Mr. Peacock: Yeah I used to train terriers.
Mr. Peacock: Throw 'em in a Rubbermaid
container, shake 'em up real good.
Made a lot of money.
Blew it all...
...on hats and socks and champagne.
Then there was these two
possums fighting in the couch,
...and they bit my mom in the ass.
Ro-Tel: Then on top of that
she got bit by a cat, on the face...
...and now her face doesn't work too good.
Mr. Peacock: Wow.
Your mom is an animal lover, I guess.
Ro-Tel: Woof.
Mr. Peacock: You got somethin'?
Got somethin' boy?
Get it! Get it get it get it!
Yeah!
Get it, get it, get it boy yeah!
Ro-Tel: Woo-hoo!
I'm almost home!
Oh shit. Luther!
Luther!
Mr. Peacock: Pull out the Magnum.
Bang, bang, bang, bang!
Flamethrower.
Kill me.
Shoulder cannon.
Boom!
He's dead.
Please.
Stop right there!
Santiago: Oh you fuckin' kid!
Luther!
Blitz: Ro-Tel! Ro-Tel!
Why can't we be brothers?
You're not my brother.
You're my caddy!
Luther!
Luther!
You're my caddy.
Why did you try to get away?
'Cause you were naked and chasing me -
Tell me what's happening.
Look at me!
I borrowed money from Blitz's Mom -
What is this? Tell me what is this!
I took money from Blitz's Mom
and I'm returning it, that's all.
You borrowed money?
Basically!
This isn't about drugs?
I swear!
OK!
Why is this happening to me?
Oh God.
I just wanna get the little rabbit.
WHY???
Before we do anything we're calling the police.
There's nothing to confess to, they took the bodies.
What difference does it make, they're after me!
Nobody knows you were there. I
got your stuff, and I moved your car.
-What about Bubba? -Who?
Blitz got your Bubba.
-No! -Yep
Give me my phone.
It would be stupid to call the police!
Give me my phone!
That was a nice phone.
-Give it to me Luther! -I don't have it ok, I don't have it!
-Where is it? -That's how I got this bike!
What?!
Hey!
You knew from the start that lady
wanted her money back tonight, Blitz's Mom.
Yeah.
And you knew her son was a nasty animal!
Yeah.
I have never, not once, used a
swear word in front of a student.
Knowingly that is, knowingly!
But Luther...
What the fuck were you thinking?
What the fuck were you fucking
thinking when you invited me to...
...Kansas City, Kansas?
I thought you had a double-kick and stuff.
You lured me here to fight?
Duh.
-To fight? -Yeah!
I do not fight!
I'm a fucking guidance counselor!
You really let me down tonight Mr. Vasquez.
Blitz's Mom: Cat!
Blitz's Mom: Cat.
Blitz's Mom: Go get run over over, ya jerk.
Brb.
Luther. Luther! Come back.
Luther hey... Come back!
Tell me what you needed $9000
of that lady's fuckin' money for!
Go back to not cussin' at me Mr. Vasquez.
-Just tell me! -I can't do that!
I killed for you tonight!
You understand? I took a life!
I really can't say another word
until the patent goes through.
I invented something!
You invented something.
At school. Freshman year. AP Chem.
Ok...
School's gonna want a cut.
-Ok - -It's mine.
Nobody else's. I made it. My money.
You feel what I'm saying?
I'm not feeling it.
Won't matter after I pay this back.
Blitz's Mom: You know who you look like?
Anybody ever tell you you look like Robert Mitchum?
Anybody ever tell you that?
He's a pretty man ain't he.
I'm gonna cum on you!
Blitz's Mom: I'd hug ya, but I just got me a new tattoo.
Oh what the hell. C'mere boy.
Shit, still hurts. You wanna see it?
-Sure. Wow...
He's a pretty man ain't he?
I know something'll take that sting away...
Get that money. Get that money.
Get it. Get it!
- Hi ma'am, I'm here with Luther.
- What do you want? -I'm with Luther.
What does that mean?
Well basically that his parents have
appointed me his guardian for the evening.
You talk like a cop!
Who is this Luther?
That's Jesus, he's with Big Brothers and Big Sisters.
Big Brothers and Big Sisters, huh?
Well which one are you?
I'm just playin'.
-C'mon in. -Thank you.
Hey Luther.
I just poured me a Pepsi, you want a Pepsi?
That would be great, thank you.
My Uncle Jimmy, he used to say, "Go on
down yonder get that sweetwater, girl."
I'd say, "What?", he'd say, "Pepsi girl, Pepsi!"...
You eyeballin' my Stu?
My son brung him to me.
What do you think of my Stu?
Stu?
Well stew or fry, I ain't quite made up my mind yet.
Yeah stay for dinner. Uh-oh what's that?
Blood.
I hope he ain't sick, I'd hate to have to flush him!
Ma'am I have to be honest with you.
This is the same rabbit I purchased
for my daughter a few hours ago.
She's in a little show tonight, and
we wanted to surprise her with a pet.
I suggested a turkle, but I was overruled.
This is Bubba.
Are you out of your mind? What are you trying to say?
This is my rabbit.
Are you saying my son took that rabbit from you?
I don't want to point any fingers, but the evidence -
Don't you tell me another lie.
Ma'am, this is the same bunny.
You tell me another lie!
Ma'am I'm sorry, are you ok?
Sit down and finish your sweetwater.
I'm so sorry, I apologize!
Pitiful.
Might not believe it, I used to be a tough old bird.
I believe it.
Well if you're gonna take that damn rodent
with you, you're gonna need his chow.
Not necessary, thank you so much.
My daughter has her little heart
set on it, you know how it is with kids.
Same here, I'd do anything for my boys.
Set your bastard ass down.
You put my dinner on the floor.
Here it is, it's yours ok?
You think you're gonna steal
my supper like he stole my money?
He borrowed that money...
Bullcrap!
He afriended me on Facebook,
...got my grandbabies' names, guessed
my passwords in my checking account,
...he been stealing money from my retirement
for the last two motherfuckin' years!
That's because Blitz is a dick!
What'd he ever do to you, eh?
He tortured me.
You say that again I'm gonna give you a poke!
Ma'am please!
I knew your son, he just didn't know my name.
I'm the kid with the Dad with the fucked-up face.
Coach: Kick it! Kick it!
Luther: Just acne.
Luther: Not face-AIDS.
Luther: Blitz told everyone my
Dad had face-AIDS at football!
Face-AIDS! That's pretty good!
Face-AIDS, that's a good one.
-Can you put the knife down? -Kiss my ass.
Can you put the knife down please!
Get your ass in the basement.
You already have your money - and the rabbit!
Blitz's Mom: I'm so happy to get my money back...
-Luther! Everything is gonna be alright.
Blitz's's Mom: Shut up shitwind, I'm trying
to make a motherfuckin' phone call here.
Ro-Tel: Hey Mommy. Blitz's Mom: Get
over here baby and bring your brother!
Ro-Tel: What? Blitz's Mom: Get
over here bitch! Get over here.
Man put your gun away. Makin' me nervous.
- What's Mommy wearing right now?
- What? -What's Mommy wearing right now?
Are you out of your mind? Get over here!
Blitz's Mom: Hold on a minute.
Blit's Mom: Hey did you remember to lock that
window down there? Ro-Tel: Uh-huh, maybe.
Blitz's Mom: Nevermind I see that snakey
son of a bitch trying to get away right now!
Get over here baby, get over here!
Bye bye!
Santiago: Luther!
Santiago: Luther! Luther!
C'mon. Quit draggin' your feet!
I got a shovel, I got a shovel!
Shut up!
No no no, I got a remedy for ya here.
Don't you worry about a thing, I'm gonna fix you right up.
Got a old-time remedy, baby.
Somethin' my Grammy taught me.
It's all right I got it, I got it.
I gotcha.
I'm gonna fix you right up here.
If I don't do this you're gonna
have a big-ass knot on your head.
I've already got a big-ass knot on my head!
You need a cushion or something, c'mon.
I'll get you a tissue...
Take this hat off your head.
-It's goin' down. -It's not fuckin' goin' down.
Santiago: Oh shi - Mr. Peacock: Shit!
It's goin' down!
Whoa stop!
You crazy bastard trying to kill my chicks!
That was close.
I think I bit my tongue.
No shit.
Do you have a phone?
Santiago: Hello. Yeah. What?
Santiago: Santiago. Hello?
A boy is in the house. Luther!
Blitz's Mom's house.
She's in there with this...
...big freakin' knife.
There's nothing that I can do.
Santiago: I'm in the basement
with the body from the dojo!
Dead people!
I am locked in the basement
with the body from the dojo.
Two dead people!
Give me the phone dude.
I am locked in the basement...
...with the boy that I killed.
Santiago: That I killed!
Give me the phone dude.
Wait, no no don't go. Hello? Hello?
You're bleeding on my phone dude.
She hung up on me.
Take care of your mouth, man. Lupita's inside.
She hung up on me!
I got something new from the
guy that makes that other stuff.
What other stuff?
The stuff I'm gonna put on your head.
Lay down.
"It Heals and It Conceals".
Stick your tongue out.
God, you're really fucked up.
You're gonna be fine.
In the morning, when you wake up,
your tongue shall be healed -
...your head too.
That's impossible.
Well just wait and see.
You know in 5 minutes I can give
you a full spiritual cleansing, $15.
Why would I need that?
Because of the fucking blood on your soul.
-Wha...? -Tienes el mal de ojo, hijo de puta.
Voice: Lupita! Lupita: Goddamn, my placenta is burning.
You leave unclean, you pay the consequences.
Luther's voice: "I invented something!"
Lupita! Lupita!
Lupita, what is this stuff?
Kid: I'm taking these chicks
to Hector. I'll see you tomorrow.
Hey you get back, you're radioactive.
Oh come on, no!
You son of a -!
Santiago: Come on, Vasquez.
Man up.
You gotta be hard.
No fear, no regrets...
All you gotta do...
...is get a new Bubba,
...sit next to your wife,
...hear your little girl sing, then -
...stay the fuck away from KCK.
And no one will ever, ever...
...know.
Bepsy: Mr. Vasquez!
Bepsy...
Hi Bepsy.
dream Santiago: Luther!
Santiago: Luther!
Come to mommy. Come to mommy.
We're here.
-Hi! -Hi.
-Two more, then she's on. -Who?
-Really? -I am so thrilled to see you!
-Really? -These guys are amazing!
You don't know how thrilled I am to see you!
-Where's Bubba? -I can talk again!
That stuff is amazing! Look.
Look!
Are you wasted?
Where's Bubba?
This is the new Bubba.
Look, isn't he beautiful? So tiny!
I knew you'd fuck this up.
Petal's gonna love it.
I'm telling you she's gonna like it.
I knew you'd fuck this Bubba shit up.
Santiago: Quick call. Heather: What?
-I don't want this! -Be right back.
-Luther's outside.
I'm gonna call the police right now.
Call. And we'll kill him.
Don't do it, stupid.
When my brother cut me...
...he said, "Now I'm the pretty one!"
Hey. Aqui!
Bang motherfucker.
Put your fucking gun away.
Take that.
Luther, out!
God damn.
Blitz: Fuck did you put this man, in Easter eggs?
What the fuck do you bury Easter eggs in the backyard -
Luther: The beauty shop.
-Which one has the pages? -The yellow one.
-This one? -Yeah.
Ha ha, there it is.
Put this in his fuckin face.
Hi, my name's Pateek.
I wrote this music,
...and I would like to dedicate it to...
...the squirrel that we killed
coming down here tonight.
Blitz: You see that?
So this says supposedly how much you
put in to Luther's stupid shitshow shit:
What? Blitz: 9,743 fuckin' dollars
About as much came up missin'
from our Mom's bank account.
Put it together.
All that cash Luther stole from my mom?
He was laundering it through you, jackwipe.
What?
Principal investor, VP
Industries: Santiago Vasquez?
Santiago: Luther. You forged my signature?
Uh-huh, is that your fuckin' signature?
You sign that shit?
It's my name.
I didn't ask you that, I asked if you signed it.
No.
We're gonna be rich! Rich as hell. How about that?
Dang, that's good.
Blitz: Get that butter, you
know what I'm saying? Get paper!
Look I gotta be inside there! What do you want from me?
I want a little note on there
saying that that's not you.
That's what I want.
Yeah for the lawyer man.
Luther. What is this?
Luther: I told you Mr. Vasquez, I invented something.
Blitz: All that money that
Luther stole, I'm gettin' it all back.
Luther: We're workin' together.
We're merging our operations.
Luther: They got the trucks, man.
Got a cousin who's a trucker, he's a cousin trucker.
Sign the paper. That's all you
gotta do and you'll be done.
Santiago: I can't, Luther.
I want you to sign it.
It's been a horrible night, and I have to get
back to my little girl and my wife, and...
...you've got this problem, right?
Luther: They're gonna kill you man.
Blitz: You ain't goin' nowhere.
Santiago: You shoulda listened to me.
...in the form of a love poem for Mother Nature.
As you know, natural disasters are on the rise.
-Please sign this. -Sign the fuckin' paper now.
Please? Please? Please?
Luther: Mr. Vasquez sign the
paper man, stop playin' around.
You want me to sign that. Blitz: Yes.
Earthquakes,
Blitz: Give him the pen!
Santiago: You want me to sign this.
Blitz: Sign it with ink or sign it with blood, big guy.
...sandstorms,
You need to sign my slip!
Luther what about your promise?
What about your parents Luther?
Luther: Oh my God. Santiago: What about you?
Luther look -
...mudslides, landslides,
If he don't sign it I'm gonna pistol
whip you til you piss your fuckin' pants.
You hear what he's saying? Sign the paper!
You said he was a fuckin' patsy you said he was an idiot -
Luther: I didn't say he was an idiot. Santiago: Luther...
...now make him fuckin' sign the
paper or I'm gonna be all over you...
...like fuckin' shit on stink!
You want this to happen? Please!
Do it!
Santiago: What about this paper Luther?
Who is going to sign this?
Well...
I guess nobody, nobody now, so -
I gotta go. Bye
Blitz: Just put your initials on it or something.
Why won't you do that real quick?
You know what, fuck this.
Ro-Tel...
He's got about ten fuckin' seconds
to sign this fuckin' paper, or else!
Or else what?
Blast his fuckin' ass!
BANG BANGBANGBANGBANG!
...hailstorms,
Wait for it wait for it wait for it.
Don't shoot him yet, let him cry.
-Now one on the balls! -BANGBANGBANGBANG!
...volcanic eruptions,
Two to the head, one to the balls!
Two to the head, one to the balls!
Reload! Reload!
...solar flares,
You got ten fuckin' seconds to
sign this fuckin' paper, or else!
Or else what?
...floods, hurricanes, tornadoes,
Kiss my gun... kiss my gun...
Nine holes Ro-Tel - count it down.
Don't you golf that goddamn rabbit I'm warning you!
Let the countdown begin.
Ro-Tel: Nine, eight -
Ro-Tel: Don't make me your caddy.
Louder!
I will not be victimized, Ro-Tel: Seven...
Louder!
Come on Mr. Vasquez, this is not a game!
...sodomized,
Blitz: Count it down!
...and traumatized!
Ro-Tel: Five!
Say it!
Five five five five five!
And demoralized! Do you hear me?
Say it!
Oh it's all too beautiful.
Blitz: Say it!
Ro-Tel: Four!
Louder!
Did you hear me?
...and deforestation.
Fore...
In spite of all this,
...Mother Nature,
Fore... skin!
...I love you.
choir: Ready, go.
What?!
Choir: Storms and floods, storms and floods...
Blitz: Whoo!
Blitz: Fits pretty nice, moneybags...
Wonder if your wife fits this good.
Santiago: It ain't over!
Fires and quakes, fires and quakes...
Volcanic eruptions!
Volcanic eruptions!
Volcanic eruptions!
Volcanic eruptions! Floods...
Time out. Time out!
Time out? There's no "time out".
Floods, fires, quakes, wind, rain, storms...
Petal!
-Time out! Time out! -No time out!
Wildfires...
Oh yeah, I wear the pants now son!
Now I'm gonna go take care of your wife!
Wildfires...
Wildfires...
I'm gonna guidance counsel your soul to fuckin' hell!
You shoulda listened! You
shoulda listened to your Mom!
And stayed in fucking school!
Stayed in school! You shoulda listened!
We ride the boats...
We sink the boats...
We sink the boats...
What the fuck are you doing!
Every... every fight... every fight deserves a break.
-I gotta go see my wife. -Time out! Time out!
Oh yeah? Time out you fat fuck.
I'm gonna wear your skin motherfucker!
And then fuck your wife!
Wait for me...
We sink -
Honey!
Shut the fuck up!
Hot chocolate, on my body...
Maybe I just never had the right woman in my life.
What kinda women you like?
Tiny brunettes.
How tiny?
Tiny... and loose.
How loose?
Oh real loose, real loose.
Winds and rain and winds and rain and -
Winds and rain and winds and rain and -
Winds and rain and winds and rain and -
Don't move.
I'm experiencing discomfort.
Oh God, don't move.
And nausea...
Please don't move.
And diarrhea, and heartburn.
Oh God don't move.
Don't...
Don't...
Don't you te... te...
Don't move.
Don't tell me how to live my life!
Oh God don't move please.
Oh my God!
I told you not to move!
Are you sure he's inside?
Yeah, he's listening to that racket.
Like a little nip?
Never in front of a student.
But I like your style.
What's that?
Oh shit. Blood.
I told you not to move...
Floods!
Where are you going?
I'm gonna bleed all over your fucking family!
Mother!
Nature!
Yoko Tobi Geri!
Yoko Tobi Geri ahhh!
I broke my dick.