Killer Kites (2023) Movie Script

Let's take some of
these low-priority items
and move them to next month.
Great.
Thank you. You too.
Well, hey, if it isn't little
Miss "I don't take lunch."
Hey, Daniel. I'm very busy today.
I don't have time for nonsense.
Hey, I'm just messing around, Abby.
I wanna talk to my favorite coworker.
Haven't really eaten lunch, have ya?
Uh, yeah, we're barely coworkers, Daniel,
we just work on the same floor.
Well, if we're barely
coworkers, then in that sense,
it wouldn't be against
company policy for us to go,
maybe get some dinner
sometime, a little wine and dine.
This is going so well.
I'm totally gonna get laid.
Laid rhymes with maid.
Maybe I should dress like a maid.
If you'll excuse me, I have to take this.
Fine, fine, fine.
Can you close my door on your way out?
Sure. But hey, wasn't a no.
Uh, hello, yeah. Yeah, I can talk.
Oh, okay.
Well, it's been months now,
so surely everything
was already accounted for.
We're born, we learn to walk,
and ride a bike.
Okay, uh, I'll come take a look
and see if it's even worth keeping.
So...
We can do this the
official way if need be.
I don't think that'll be necessary.
I haven't even talked to Brian in forever.
That makes me very sad.
Keep your eyes peeled
for any worms around here.
Real crazy creatures.
I'll just take it to Brian. Okay?
Pleasure doing business with you.
Um.
Okay.
See you on the worm farm.
I don't know, it's just a stupid kite.
A stupid kite?
Oh my god, it's a relic.
Uh, yeah, sure.
How'd he find this?
I don't know.
He just, he just called me
and said there was a
missing piece of the estate.
He went over to Gram's
place and picked up for me and,
and that was it.
How did he miss this? This is awesome!
I don't know. I have no use for it.
Figured you might, you're
always borrowing money for me.
So, you know, if you, if
you wanna just sell it, you...
Oh, I'm not selling this.
I mean, this kite has some history.
I mean, this chest alone has to be about
, 30 years old.
Could be a relic from World War II.
I don't know, it's got a
Hobby Lobby sticker on it.
Shut up.
Did Harold say anything else about this?
No, he didn't.
Oh, fuck him. What does he know?
I mean, I mean, this kite
has to have some history.
What, with the Nazis
and their space occult.
I, yeah, I, you know, I, I,
sure that they used that kite for their
space occult program thing.
You know, don't get too excited about it.
It's just, it's really...
Oh, you're no fun, Abby.
Besides, you have that
history with World War II,
what would that growl
necklace Gram left you.
You ever thought about that?
You know, if it's, it's Nazis,
I'd just rather not know it.
I kinda like that thing, actually.
Anyway, I'm glad you like it.
I'm gonna get going though. I
had a really long day at work.
But uh, don't you wanna stay for dinner?
I'm gonna be making
a kid's plate sauerkraut.
Oh. Uh, well, I ate already.
What about chicken nuggets?
Frozen Manwich?
Corn dogs. You loved corn
dogs when you were a kid.
Your call has been forwarded
to an automatic voice message system.
When you are finished recording,
you may hang up or
press one for more options.
Abby, I need you to get over here,
and I need you to get over here right now.
I found something out about the kite.
So please, please, for the
love of God, get over here now.
Hold on, don't order lunch without me.
I gotta call this woman and
tell her her brother's dead.
I, I just don't understand.
I left him last night, he was fine.
Well, I, wait.
He, actually, he left me a message,
saying he found something.
But, you know.
Honestly, ma'am,
we're suspecting maybe
a robbery at this point.
There was a mess in his office,
things scattered everywhere.
An empty chest.
An empty chest?
Uh, did you happen to find a kite in it?
A kite?
Yeah.
I don't know. Maybe it flew away.
Am I dreaming?
No, Abby, this is very real.
Then why are you in, in my bedroom?
It's about your brother's death.
What about it?
What, who, who are you?
I'm here to warn you.
Do not pursue Brian's death any further.
The kite will continue
to kill, no matter what.
If you let things be, it
will spare you. Trust me.
Do not get involved.
There are forces beyond
your understanding at play.
Live your life, Abby. Go back to bed.
Okay.
Oh, hey, I uh, tried to
make myself a bowl of cereal
and I missed, but I got
cash in another robe,
and as soon as I can
get to it, I'll reimburse you.
Oh my god, that
wasn't a dream last night.
Who are you?
I'm the person that's trying to help you.
Do you have any actual breakfast?
No.
Do you have a McDonald's nearby?
I guess?
Let's take a ride.
Mm. I mean, there is just
something about these things.
They're magical.
Um, can you tell me
why you were in my house,
and what do you want from me?
Yeah, don't pursue
the kite thing any further.
Just kinda leave it alone. You know?
What kite thing?
Look, there's some really nasty stuff
that I can't get into right now.
But how 'bout, just be glad it wasn't you.
What wasn't me?
Listen, you're asking
a lot of me right now.
I, I haven't even finished my breakfast.
But a piece of advice, watch the skies.
Uh, can you tell me any more than, what?
What the?
Ah.
All right, man, this is the spot.
Are you sure this is?
Yeah, dude, trust me.
Like, not even my grandma
would come out here.
Nobody ever comes out here.
Nice, you have a bong.
Yeah, dude. Total bong-age.
Bong-age.
Dude, that uh, that
sorta looks like a cock.
Uh, you got, you take greens, bro.
Dude, you don't want some bong in the TV?
Beggars can't be choosy.
Ah fuck, dude, I forgot the water.
Dude, she says the big ones hurt.
You can have it back, man.
Dude, do you like, think
the smartest dude alive
was the first one to count to 10?
How do you know it was a guy?
Well, yeah.
Right.
Do, do, do you think the first person
to count to 420's the
smartest person alive?
Double whoa.
Dude, what is that?
Do you see that shit?
Dude, are we that high?
Dude, I thought you
said not even your grandma
comes back here.
Dude, I swear nobody
comes back here, man.
- What is that?
- What is that shit?
Some kid flying a kite?
As of right now,
there is no clear connection
between these deaths,
but there does appear
to be a common thread.
Frankly, much like Shaggy,
I'm just glad it wasn't me.
Shut up, Daniel.
What? I'm serious, there's...
You're always going on about these
conspiracy theories, man.
Well, there's crazy,
there's crazy shit going on.
I'm telling you, it's not like usual.
Mm-hmm.
That's what you say every time.
No, but you're the
one who said that it's wild
and strange that people are
getting murdered everywhere.
- I gree with Daniel.
- Something weird is going on.
Whatever killed my brother
is what killed these other people.
What do you think it is, Abby?
I don't know. I don't know for sure.
Um, but I think it has
something to do with a,
a kite that we found in my grandma's attic.
Abby, don't let Daniel's
crazy rub off on you.
So, do you really
think it's like some sort of
supernatural kite thing?
What, you gonna laugh at me too?
No, I, I actually kinda believe you.
You just wanna get in my pants.
Please, Abby. I could never fit in those.
No, look, Abby, I believe you.
I'm, I'm all into this kind of stuff.
You should see my internet browser,
half my internet browser.
There are forces beyond our control
that are plaguing our community.
And, I mean, I think you might be right.
Just, please let me investigate,
if only for my own curiosity.
Why are you looking at that spoon?
I don't know.
I feel like somehow my
necklace is connected to all of this.
I, I don't know why.
It just feels like I was
always meant to have it.
It was something,
something, I don't, I don't,
I don't know, okay?
Well, how 'bout this?
You help me help you
investigate this thing.
Fine, but no weird shit.
Don't worry, no weird shit.
LFG, the 8%, no sugar added seltzer.
Is the sky falling?
Not so fast, Chicken Little,
it's just children falling from the skies.
That's right, three brave young souls
were riding around on a golf cart.
They had their whole futures ahead of them,
until one of them fell from
the sky and died upon impact.
Now, only two remain,
and they tell us their tale.
Thank you, Brock.
It's just a sad day. Our friend
Kevin, passed away, right?
Right on top of our, right on top of us.
We uh, we're having a few beers,
whipped cream flew away, man.
And, we're driving the golf cart around,
I'm not even gonna lie to you, it was,
it was a hell of a lot of fun.
Sorry, we were just, grade-A quality time.
Then, our friend Kevin
fished out again and fell off.
So uh, fishing out is when
you do too many Whip-Its
and cut off all the oxygen to your brain,
and basically pass out.
Thank you. That's our resident engineer.
We uh, but yeah, so
he, he fished off again,
is what we thought.
And then we're driving,
just kind of forgot about it.
And then a loud thud just comes from above
and blood starts coming down and we just,
we were shocked and
had no idea what happened.
So, I slammed on the brakes
and immediately called my detailer
to make sure he can work on it tomorrow,
so that there's no staining of course.
And uh, then we got off and saw Kevin and,
just, so young and sad, and
just never gonna forget him.
He was a really good guy.
Never will ever speak
bad on his name or say,
"Fuck that guy," he's...
Never.
Yeah, but uh, they say
never waste a good opportunity.
So while we have y'all on film,
Maddie and I are pitching
shrimp coin, a new crypto.
Asking any of y'all to
please call 9-8-5-8-7...
Fascinating story. Tragic,
terrible, and tantalizing.
Now to find out exactly
what it means to fish out.
One of these brave young
soldiers in the Salvation Army
has decided to give me a Whip-It
so I can experience this
phenomena firsthand.
Jimmy.
Here's to you.
Brock Peterson.
He probably wouldn't have hid anything.
He was pretty open
about all these conspiracy,
and everything.
I'm sure he didn't hide anything.
You mean like right here?
No, I mean, right here.
I wonder which box.
- Daniel?
- Huh?
Oh.
What the hell?
Whoa.
The hell?
This is pretty loony.
Uh-huh.
Ben Franklin was a government operative?
Damn it, Daniel. Turn on
the light. What are you doing?
Oh, sorry.
Everything in here is pretty useless, Abby.
Just a bunch of stuff about pizza,
and your typical Nazis in
Antarctica, conspiracy bullshit.
I did find a lotta nice movies though.
Was your brother sick a lot?
I don't wanna hear
about my dead brother's
porn collection, okay?
You, you said the, the,
the kites and Nazis?
Don't buy into that.
That's just your typical
conspiracy bullshit
that I don't even buy into.
I don't care. What if there's
something useful in there?
Okay.
Yeah, just, just keep looking.
Uh, besides the porn collection.
Oh, shit.
Abby?
- No, just step back.
- Don't worry about it, okay?
Hey, cut the tough act.
- Hey!
- What is going on?
Okay.
Look.
That's the bee that's on your spoon.
It's not a spoon, is a
family heirloom, you dick.
Looks like a spoon.
Anyway, does that thing wanna kill me?
I mean, like, I, I, I don't know.
I, why me?
Abby, look, everything's gonna be okay.
Look, looks like you're about to cry.
Take one of the tissues...
- No.
- Brother's box.
Hey, I'm gonna make sure
that you're gonna be okay.
I promise.
What are you gonna do about it?
I don't know, something.
And here.
Oh, shit.
Mm. Jesus.
Your brother's gonna
miss his appointment, Abby.
For the waxing.
Daniel, he's dead.
Oh yeah.
Kuntz!
I'm sure they'll refund his deposit.
No, no, no. The annual
Kuntz family bread festival.
It's tonight. We have to go.
I don't understand what kites and bread
have to do with each other.
Isn't it obvious?
No.
Kites love bread. Everybody knows that.
The point is, we can
finally try and put a stop
to this killer kite madness,
and even find a connection between you two.
And I got a Group on.
Um, you know what,
it's the best lead we've got.
I really care at this point.
No, look, you just trust me on this one.
Kites and bread. Bread and kites.
I mean, okay, okay.
I'll just go down this
nuts-o rabbit hole with you.
Sweet. It's a date then.
Yeah, no, no, no. That's not a date.
I heard date.
Ow. Pumpernickel?
Pumpershitel.
I really thought this Group on
was gonna bring more people here.
Abby, why won't you eat your bread?
You're thinking about
that kite again, aren't you?
Yeah. I am not here to eat bread, Daniel.
I mean, it's pretty good.
I'm a pretty big bread guy myself.
The Kuntz make a fantastic yeast.
You're so, weird.
Okay, so liking bread is weird now?
No, the, the, the whole thing is weird.
The bread festival is weird.
The, the Kuntz are weird.
You just don't get it.
You know what?
We should probably
focus on finding that kite
if that's even a thing, or...
Hey, I told you, trust
me. Any minute now.
Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Kites love bread.
They sure do.
What, what makes Kuntz yeast
so special?
Kuntz yeast is creamy, silky, smooth.
I wonder where the booth guy went.
This bread really runs through ya.
I gotta piss like a diabetic race horse.
You see one?
No.
Oh.
Man, Abby, I'm sorry. I
thought this was the spot.
No, it, it has to happen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you realize how silly this is, right?
Um, bread...
- Good.
- And kites.
Dude, that makes sense to me.
- So stupid.
- Oh my god. Hey!
You! You almost shot me. Are you crazy?
What are you doing here?
Kites love bread. Everybody knows that.
Move!
I'm gonna beat the bread
festival record this year
for sure.
See? See?
You need to get out of here.
There's a lot of crazy shit
that's about to go down.
And I'm talking Mr. Hand style crazy shit.
A retreat?
Mother of god.
Daniel, get a net.
Don't bring a net into this.
Where? Oh, net.
You wanna play?
Let's fuckin' play.
My asshole is on fire.
We need some fuckin' backup down here.
Daniel, Daniel, stop, stop.
What? Wait. Why?
You're gonna hurt yourself.
I was doing fine.
Oh, wait.
Whoa.
See?
Dammit.
You see what you did? You fucking idiot.
I...
You're welcome.
What are we gonna do now? Huh?
PF Chang's at five?
Last night, a tragedy of terror.
And no, this time it wasn't my ex-wife.
It was a festival of bread,
now it's a festival of dead.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen.
At the 36th Annual Kuntz
Yeast Bread Festival,
10 people were killed violently.
Now, I wasn't in attendance myself,
as I was at Dixie Divas
for their two for one,
until about 30 minutes ago.
But bystanders have said, as
outlandish as this claim seems,
that kites seem to be killing people.
Now, while this may seem crazy, folks,
it could explain a common
thread between all of the murders
that have happened in this town lately.
Let's find out more.
Yeah, I always show up
to the Kuntz Bread Festival
with my friends, it's a great time.
You know, come for the plastic
utensils, stay for the bread.
And uh, I swear to God, these
kites just came outta nowhere,
started tearing people apart.
It's unlike anything I've ever seen before.
Really tragic stuff. But
um, the bread was good.
Really powerful stuff.
But this reporter is left
with many questions.
Are kites really killing people?
Why are they killing people?
Why can't they kill my
ex-wife while they're at it?
How does Kuntz yeast
make such delicious bread?
We'll find out more at 11.
I told you this shit was real, man.
We gotta do something.
Otherwise, these kites
are gonna keep multiplying.
They're multiplying now?
Yeah.
What are they, Mormons?
I'm serious, dude. I saw it in person.
We gotta put a stop to this.
Yeah? And how are we gonna do that?
If we don't kill the main kite,
then who knows how much this could blossom?
There's a main kite?
Yeah, so look, the whole thing.
So Abby's grandma,
right, she like passed down
through the family, like
this evil, crazy kite thing.
And then it started
manipulating other kites
and killing more people.
And if we don't put a stop
to it, it's gonna be, bullshit.
Abby's grandma?
Dude, that's what you got outta that?
He's right.
Why are you guys all
sitting on the same side?
Lighting.
Anyway, we need to kill these kites.
- Thank you.
- They're not gonna stop
otherwise.
I do believe you.
My uncle said he knew a guy
who knew a guy who knew a guy
whose dick got chopped
off by a stray rickshaw
that eyewitnesses say
was led by several kites.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
People are losing their cocks?
Yeah.
This is outta control.
Do you seriously not believe
that this is actually happening?
I mean, no, I believe it.
I mean, of course we're
gonna die in a stupid way.
I believed it from the beginning. I'm in.
Fuck it, I'm in too.
Great.
Meet me at the abandoned
garage off of Boston Street
tomorrow, 8:00 AM sharp then.
For what?
Training.
Oh, gee. Shit.
Damn.
Bitch, bitch, bitch. Die.
Ha!
Ha!
Bitch, bitch, I'll fucking kill you!
Kites, more like dead.
Oh, yeah. Ooh.
I'm ready.
Bang.
Bang.
Hey. Hey, pay attention.
This is a triangle.
It has three sides.
One, two, three.
Go.
Why the fuck are we even doing this?
We have to cut before we run.
Yeah.
- Oh.
- Very good.
Wait, what's your name again?
- Jared.
- Cool.
- It's about time.
- You-Chews about to kick in.
Hello, Dolly.
Oh, god!
Well, we've done about
everything we can do to prepare.
Now I won't promise that this will be easy,
or that we'll come outta this in one piece.
It'll be bloody,
hard,
painful.
Rachel, Monica, I don't know if you've seen
many horror movies, but,
well, you know what I mean.
One of you is not coming back.
Hey!
Daniel, you should
probably call your mother.
She's dead.
Then you'll see her soon.
Oh.
Um, Backwards Hat Guy,
you might not come back with a penis.
You might come back with three penises.
Nice.
And uh, oh shit. What's your name again?
Jared.
Yeah, Gary, you'll probably be fine.
Guys, this fight will be worth it.
I am confident that
we can stop these kites.
Let's go.
Oh, no you go.
Get off me, man.
You know, this isn't what I had in mind
when you said spit roasting.
What did you think I meant?
Uh, what do you think about
these kites killing people?
You know, I actually called that shit.
I have a fear of kites.
A fear of kites?
Yep. I can't fly kites.
Watching the kite go higher
and higher into the sky,
I get this shaky, anxious feeling.
I mean, like the idea
of letting the kite go,
I get nauseous.
I can't watch other people fly kites.
It's, it disgusts me.
I'm serious, dude. Those
things are unnatural.
They, they shouldn't be up there.
I mean, I have dreams of kites
wrapping around the
Earth and suffocating it
like a plastic wrap.
That's pretty nuts, man,
but I don't think you have
anything to worry about.
What?
I knew it!
Yo, Monica.
What's up, Daniel?
I wanna talk to you about something.
So I fucked up pretty bad last time we
fought that main evil kite.
Yeah.
And uh, I think Abby's mad at me,
and I really like her and
I kinda wanna date her.
I think maybe you
should start with just like,
being a normal guy and not hitting on her
as aggressively as you do, you know.
It's kind of weird, it makes
everyone uncomfortable.
Just be a normal dude. Be a friend.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, no, no. I don't like that idea.
Jared.
Hey, what's up dude?
So, I fucked up pretty bad
last time we tried fighting that evil kite.
And I think Abby's mad at me.
I like her a lot and I kind wanna date her.
You just, just gotta
put the moves on her.
Have intercourse with
her, reverse psychology.
Now that's an idea I
can get behind, Jared.
That is what I'm talking about.
Yeah. Be a dick.
Girls love that.
Abby, Abby. Check this out.
Mm-hmm.
Right?
What's wrong?
Just, my dad used to
take me to a place like this.
It's heavier than I thought.
It's just...
We good?
We're good.
We're good.
Ooh. Sorry, go on.
I don't know, man,
it's, it's like everything
is so fucked up.
Really? What do you mean?
Like, we have, we have a team now.
No, I, I know, I just, I
just feel like this is my fault.
I don't know. I kind of miss Brian.
Who?
My brother.
Oh, right.
Uh, shit. I mean, Abby, I
never really apologized.
I really fucked up earlier and,
shit, I'm, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I know. You're,
you're such an idiot anyway.
So, didn't expect much more from you.
Ouch.
But look, I'm, I'm confident
we can do this thing.
I mean, Abby, you're a great leader.
I know.
So, we good?
Yeah.
Let's go murder some fucking kites.
Wait, so how are we supposed
to find these kites anyway?
Why don't we fly one and
try to lure 'em to us? Yeah?
That's a pretty good
idea. I got one in my car.
How do you know it hasn't
already turned against you?
Damn.
What if kites are like sharks
and they sleep while moving?
That actually kinda makes sense.
They're kind of in the same category.
You know, sharks and
kites, they have the, the fin.
Then mine couldn't be alive.
It would have to be floating in something.
What the fuck are you guys talking about?
The triangles, man.
Cool it, Backwards Hat
Guy. This is high-level stuff.
Oh, yeah. Big time.
Sharks are like kites? Sure, whatever.
At this point, I'm buying anything.
So, we need to figure
out how to track these kites.
Cool it, we've already
been discussing this.
Sharks are like kites.
We just gotta find a beach.
I'm sorry, what?
Sharks and kites, they're like the same.
They both have a predator mentality.
Don't, look, it's a whole
thing, we already discussed it.
Just trust us.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. I saw this on Rogan.
All right, enough.
Why don't we just follow the
murders that are happening?
Surely with all the people posting
these kite murder videos online,
we can get close enough to the scene,
try to lure them to us.
We just need to find a beach.
See.
Oh.
That's a great idea, Backwards Hat Guy.
We, we, all we need to do
is know where the kites
are targeting people.
We just need to follow the blood trail.
Ah!
That's that guy from
the news, Brock Peterson.
I like that guy. We
should get his autograph.
Is he being chased by a kite?
Well, we could follow that.
Help!
Guys, remember everything we've learned.
Goddammit.
Help me.
Fuck you, kite.
Mother of God.
All these years of unprotected sex,
it's finally come back to haunt me.
These must be my illegitimate children,
using the instruments from their childhood
to exact their sick revenge on me.
This might be the
proudest moment of my life.
But they don't look
Korean, except for that one.
He, little Brock Peterson, need a mustache.
That's a handsome boy.
Mother of God, no!
Oh, Jesus. Mother of God.
You sick bastard, you're.
Come on, motherfucker, die!
Move.
Backwards Hat Guy, help us.
I'm on my dip break over here.
I got it.
We did it.
Just one of many down.
Yeah, I felt that.
Fuck this shit.
Oh god, help me.
I'm helping. Ah!
Bitch, is it me you want?
Come on now.
Come on now.
Come on now.
Let go!
Let go.
Fucking hit you, go on.
Go on, take this you fucking bitch.
Abby? Abby, help us. Abby!
Fuck you, kites.
What do you want from
me, huh? What do you?
Billy?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yah!
Daniel.
Did we, did we win?
No, you fucking idiot. We lost.
Shit.
Fuck this fucking shit.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Keep talking.
Looks bad.
- Oh, fuck.
- Jesus.
You could've used that on the kites.
Why do you always show
up in the middle of the night
like you're about to fucking murder me?
What the hell's wrong with you?
I find people are more
honest when they're caught off guard.
Yeah, 'cause you're
so honest with me, huh?
Suddenly.
You know how many people
close to me have died already?
- Yeah, boy.
- Killed by fucking murder,
fucking killer kites?
How does that make you feel?
I mean, you could have helped
me instead of doing your whole
cryptic hunger for McDonald's bullshit.
The kite wasn't going to kill you.
What?
Yeah. The kite you found
in the attic, not gonna kill you.
You're insane. How do you know?
I mean, like, you, you, you, you,
you weren't even here when we tried to...
Look, you got any pico?
Why don't we go sit down
and we'll talk this out, okay?
- Oh my god.
- Go through the whole thing.
So your whole thing is you
think the kites wanna kill you.
Is that right?
I mean, obviously, yeah. Mm-hmm.
So, this is all bone.
There's your first problem because,
how do I put this lightly?
This started back in Germany,
I wanna say somewhere around World War II,
and uh, it's really,
this is, did you make this?
This is phenomenal.
Anyway, look, the kite, you're fine.
Everything's fine. I've been
doing this for years, okay?
It's not my first rodeo, not
my first time with the kites.
I've been keeping these, these guys at bay,
'cause, I don't know, 150, 200 years,
I've lost track of time,
and I've run outta fucks to give.
But all I gotta, all I know,
when it gets down to the balls of it,
is your family has been just
in this mess, right up in it.
Somewhere along the line,
somebody got a hold of one of these things,
and it started killing people.
I mean, killing people.
So, naturally things have
progressed and, now we're here.
So you're saying that my
family's been secretly Nazis
the whole time?
No. No, no, no.
Just 'cause Germany, and
the Nazi thing, that's such a,
that's just so, you know,
what's the word I'm looking for?
Help me with this. Uh, uh, cliche, is it?
Yeah, not all the Nazis were, you know,
well, I guess they were all German,
but, you should've been there for that.
That was, that was bad, nasty stuff.
The kites are communists.
So, that's the big thing
you've been hiding from me?
That, that like the kites
that are coming to life
and murdering people are communists?
That, what does that matter to me?
The kite doesn't wanna kill you.
Like a dog, it wants to serve you.
What?
What?
Look, the details are hazy.
I don't get it. I'm still
trying to figure it out.
Maybe someone was reading
the Communist Manifesto.
Maybe it's Karl Marx's
secretary involved somehow.
I still haven't figured it out.
The only thing I have figured out
is the women in your family
are tied to this in some way,
and I've been dealing
with it, for long enough.
That explains Brian.
That's a whole nother ball game.
And Brian's dead.
It's maybe some weird like
Marxist or Oedipus complex
with that, but we'll save
it for either the sequel
or the porn remake.
Okay.
So, what am I supposed to
do with this great information?
Normally, I'd take
things into my own hands,
but quite frankly I'm
pretty tired of doing that.
So now I'm gonna leave it up to you.
You gotta kill those kites.
How am I supposed to do that?
They're practically unkillable.
They won't burn. We,
we can't cut through them.
It's basically hopeless.
We'll try to nuke 'em
and they'll just fly away.
This is where you're gonna
need to think outside the kite,
or the box.
The most powerful
weapon is a woman scorned.
Ayn Rand?
Yeah, read that to the kites.
The themes of choosing
individualism versus collectivism
should, you know, take 'em down.
Are you serious?
Very.
I was gonna have you
read Economics 101 to 'em,
but it seemed a little uh, too on the nose.
This is fucking ridiculous.
Oh, okay.
And killer kites is just such
a, such a, such a, such a,
such a nuanced idea, huh?
Okay, you're not wrong.
You're not wrong.
Yeah, and then this is the
part where I would usually
say something about
absurdity, but you're a smart girl.
I don't have the time.
And to be quite frank
with you, I've gotta piss.
Where's your toilet?
Hey, wait a minute.
Hey, wait a minute.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't do that. Don't do that. Come on.
By the way,
before I piss.
Oh!
That book.
Ow.
That book belongs to my
friend Kade, and he's very anal.
So, if you could not damage it,
so that way you don't have
kites and Kade on your case,
a double K.
Mm-hmm.
That would be lovely.
Hey, can I get an LFG?
Lovely choice.
Whoa. Oh my god. Daniel, are you...
Yep.
I can't believe you are actually alive.
- Yeah, in the flesh.
- Thank you for noticing.
Oh my god, you looked so bad.
Yeah, thank you.
Uh, so, you know how I
have like, total access to like,
your phone notes and whatnot?
What?
So, what was that thing
you were writing down earlier
about like, a new
revelation you discovered?
Uh.
How do you...
It was like, it's page two.
- Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah.
- Down there.
Hey!
Hey.
Backwards Hat Guy?
No, that's my brother. I'm Rick.
Oh, I'm sorry about
your brother, it was brutal.
Yeah, he was pretty
intense. Like camping.
Anyways, is this one of those like,
last meeting type situations?
Like a final stand? Because if so, I'm in.
Uh, well, it wasn't.
It could be.
But um, okay, so, I
was gonna tell Daniel...
- Yeah.
- Who already knows, really.
I know some of it...
- But, that, that the kites...
- Pretty vague.
Want me as their leader.
That's why they haven't killed me yet.
Oh my god, Abby,
that explains everything.
No, it, it doesn't.
No, no, no, think about it,
from the kite family lineage,
the weird symbol on your spoon...
Heirloom.
The fact that they're attracted to you.
The fact that I'm attracted to you.
My feelings about my Aunt Tina,
my feelings about my Uncle Greg.
Brock Peterson's still
on TV. The bread festival.
Wait, bread festival?
Yeah, no, apparently kites like bread.
No, no, not apparently.
We know that they love bread, Abby.
Anyway, apparently also
uh, kites are communists.
Yep, they, and they are
trying to spread communism
by murdering people
and converting other kites.
- Wait.
- Mm-hmm.
Is this a about ideology?
Because if so, I don't know.
Do y'all watch the news?
- Not really.
- Yeah.
I'm out. I'm out.
All right. Nice to meet you, Rick.
So I guess we could go forward...
Fine. I'm in, I'm in. Let's do it.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Cheers.
- Let's do this.
So, what does communism
have to do with kites?
Uh, well...
Right there.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- Of course.
Oye.
You're creeping out the fucking regulars.
Get the fuck out, you fucking wanker.
Oh, sorry, dude.
Next time put a fucking shirt on.
You're too buff.
Yeah, definitely put a shirt on.
Is that my dick? He's
talking about my dick?
He's talking about your penis.
All right, let's hit these.
Tie up the bait.
Yeah, but where are we gonna tie it?
Over here.
Right now?
Yes. Hurry up.
Now what do we do?
We wait.
Daniel, catch.
This sorta reminds me
of this movie I just saw
about alligators coming outta the sewers,
eating people from their assholes.
Gross. Where'd you see that?
Amazon Prime. It was like 99 cents.
Oh, I hear it's gonna be
- on Tubi for free.
- Hey. Shut up, shut up.
Hey!
"Now, in our age, collectivism,"
"the rule of the second-hander
and second-rater,"
"the ancient monster has
broken loose and is running amok."
It has brought men to a
level of intellectual indecency
never equaled on Earth.
It is an ancient conflict.
"Men have come close to the truth."
Shit, it's working.
Why aren't you dying?
"It has swallowed most of Europe.
It is engulfing our country."
And rightfully so.
Did it just talk?
But the USSRI is going
to take over the globe.
USSR's been gone for decades.
What? Say that again.
USSR's been gone for decades?
It can't be true. It cannot.
Uh, it is, and, why are you not dying?
Oh, what? Ow, ooh.
- Just, come on.
- Thought this was working.
All I ever wanted was you to lead me.
I, I don't wanna lead a
psycho communist revolution.
Okay, I, I have a life.
If that's what you wish.
What?
That Ayn Rand makes some good points.
I think I'll quit being an asshole
and just be a regular
kite again now, thank you.
Like I said.
Are you, are you serious right now?
There's no army for me.
Communism is dead. I'll
return to what I once was.
Okay, I'm out.
Bagel?
Hey. Oh god.
The car is, oh it's so hard.
Did we win?
I think so?
Oh, nice.
So, how 'bout that date?
What?
Like, you know that part where like,
it's a callback from
earlier where, you say like,
"Oh no, you just wanna get in my pants."
And I'm like, "No, not, not really at all."
But I do, definitely. But,
we walk away in the sunset.
And it's, it's nice, you know.
Why would I do that?
You.
Shit.
Oh, Jesus.
Just.
What's up, Abby?
Hey.
Figured I'd uh, come
stop by. How's the movie?
It's actually, it's pretty funny.
It's just, I'm glad uh, I'm
glad Backwards Hat Guy
gave us a, oh well, no,
Rick, gave us copy of this.
- It's good.
- Yeah, it looks pretty cool.
Uh, what was the
name of that movie, again?
The, the DVD cover was oddly unlabeled.
It was called "Sewer Gators."
I got it on Amazon Prime myself,
so I can watch it anytime, anywhere.
It was funny.
What was it called again?
Oh.
It was called "Sewer Gators,"
written and directed by Paul Dale.
I always thought it was
pronounced Pool Delay.
I see, I see, I see
why you might think that,
but it's actually Paul Dale.
And you said you found
it on Amazon Prime video
for under a dollar?
Yeah.
Um, how long have you been sitting there?
Is this a...
Oh, just for like a minute or so.
I had to piss, I've been
holding it in for like 10 years.
I was gonna do some voyeur
stuff, but not with you guys.
You guys are boring, bland, gross, yuck.
I'm actually here to get Kade's book.
He's kind of up my ass about it.
Right over there.
I see you've left it
in perfect condition.
Has everything, dead
brother, kites and all.
Everything seems to check out here.
Well, just a little, you know,
little piece of advice from YouTube.
Nothing ever ends.
And on that note, I'm outta here.
Hm?
Oh, doors.
I've heard of these.
So, was that that weird Oracle guy?
Yeah.
I guess that's the
last of him now, finally.
He's kinda funny.
Yeah? No.
Well, on that note, I'm
gonna go get us some drinks.
Uh, are you staying?
Wanna grab two.
Hmm.
In a strange, sorted tangle of faith,
there are certain people who are actually
defending these kites.
So many questions remain.
Like, why did my wife take my furniture?
Let's find out more.
Hey there, Choppa Klan,
it's your boy, Choppa T.
And in light of recent events,
I feel the need to use my platform
to come out and say
something that I believe in.
I'm pro-kite and I think you should be too.
The media would have you believe that kites
are some sort of soulless killer,
flying around looking
for their next victim.
But research shows
that 90% of these victims
have some like, underlying
cause or condition
that's contributing to these deaths,
if not outright responsible for them.
The kites are there, just happenstance.
Wrong place, wrong time.
I think the kites are innocent
in most of these cases.
When you start to look
at the grand picture,
you have to consider the motives of media
and some other foul actors.
They wanna take kites
away from you because kites
are part of your heritage,
and your fabric as an American citizen.
They're a constitutional right.
Think about how ingrained
kites have been in America.
When they threw the tea in
that water, our Founding Fathers,
Benjamin Franklin, thought
that we'd be flying kites
one day.
Benjamin Franklin flew a
kite to discover electricity.
Lightning was invented by a kite,
and it's fundamentals to being an American.
What I'm trying to say
is, if they take away kites,
what's next?
Apple pie?
Baseball? Blonde bombshells?
These things, they define our life.
So, take a good look at
the story behind the kites.
Kites are innocent, and
they're essential to your life.
Honestly, most of those
people had it coming.
I, I'm glad they're dead.
All right, are we gonna be okay?
Eh, I, I guess people, they
protest all the time, right?
What's the worst that can happen?
Oh, did you?
Hey, hey, you're the,
you're the guy who's
friend got killed by a kite.
I'm pro-kite now. Fuck that guy.
Revolution's not over yet, bitch!
Oh, look.
Oh, finally.
We can make finally
world domination. Get out!
Hi, I'm the Oracle.
We wanna thank you for
stopping by this afternoon.
And we'd also like you
to look at a few things
on this chart here.
These are real statistics.
Now, we've shared a lot
of laughter, a lot of love,
a lot of heightened
emotions, maybe a few tears.
But one thing is true,
and that's these statistics
right here.
They have been heavily
researched by our writer,
director, and co-producer.
We wanna thank you and
your family for stopping by
and taking a part in
this beautiful feature film.
It's more of a message we
try to give to the people of,
"Hey, next time you wanna fly a kite,
how 'bout try binge drinking,
or skydiving, something
safe, something cool,
"something not kite related."
And with that being said
I poof away.
It is an area full of bloody Kuntz.
That's right, we're talking
about the yeast fest.
It is a bloody 2022.
And I don't know about
you, but Big T in the morning's
glad he had to miss this one out.
It is a sad day for the Kuntz yeast family.
Big T's a big, big, big, big Kuntz fan.
If I use any yeast, I say,
"Hey kids, grab me the Kuntz."
I've been grabbing Kuntz
and eating it for years.
To see them attacked by these kites,
we wanna lend our hearts,
minds, bodies, and souls
to take a moment to reflect and thank
the Kuntz yeast family
for consistently hosting
the finest of Kuntz bread fest.
It is heartbreaking, and
it's brought to you by LFG.
It's that kick you need at 4:00 AM
when people are trying to
go to sleep and you wanna say,
"No, I'm going back out to the bar."
I'm gonna see if I could
run into Big T in the wild.
"I'm gonna find the black dog."
Meatloaf had a very strong
influence on me as a child.
And Patrick Swayze as well.
- Yeah.
- Like what you see?
- Cut.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So, the line is...
I know, I, look, hey,
I'm working around here.
I got and pork chops.
It's not as smooth.
That's too all happy, I'm sorry.
That's it, Kevin.
No smiling, now. Dead puppies.
I know, I know, dead puppies a game.
And thinking of genocide.
I'm thinking.
Yes, right.
Did we win?
I'm gonna make it, all right,
let's pick up, let's pick up from here.
But, did we win?
I think so.
Like a dog, it wants to serve you.
Keep it rolling. Just stay in the moment.
He's joking, keep it rolling.
Turn off the cameras.
No, keep it rolling.
Oh my god.
Oh my god, I'm gonna throw up.
It's not even in my mouth.
Paul, help me.
If to like a dog, and
then me eating a dog treat
doesn't make it in this
goddam movie, camera one.
I'm gonna...
This is triangle.
Goddammit come...
Ow.
Ow!
You got a little take of Sideways Hat Guy
on this national hump day here, in dreams.
It flies out at you!
Oh, god! Oh, now
there's a dead guy on the...
Don't touch the.
I'm sorry. Can't you just delete him?
For that one, around
the eyes, little bit.
Run that back one more
time for my stupid brain.
Say the family heirloom again.
No.
We need it.
I hate this movie.