Killer Movie (2008) Movie Script
I believe--
I truthfully believe
that reality television
has saved television.
I-I--you know,
actors, writers,
producers, directors,
agents,
we all aspire to
the truth, you know.
And what greater truth
is there than reality?
Even when it's scripted.
# two flies in my high #
# I don't know
how to get them out #
# I don't know
how to freak them out #
# I don't know
how to hide them #
# two flies in my high #
# I don't know
how to get them out #
# I don't know
how to freak them out #
# I don't know
how to hide them #
# two flies in my high #
# I don't know
how to get them out #
# I don't know
how to freak them out #
# I don't know
how to hide them #
# two flies in my high #
# I don't know
how to get them out #
# I don't know
how to freak them out #
# I don't know
how to hide them #
# hide them, hide them
hide them #
# hide them, hide them #
# hide them, hide them,
hide them #
# hide them, hide them #
# hide them, hide them,
hide them #
# two flies in my high #
# I don't know
how to get them out #
# I don't know
how to freak them out #
# I don't know
how to hide them #
# two flies in my high #
# I don't know
how to get them out #
# I don't know
how to freak them out #
# I don't know
how to hide them #
# hide them, hide them
hide them #
# hide them, hide them #
Look at these one-touch passes.
There's no doubt
Vance Carhartt is the stick
that stirs the diggers' drink
this season.
Yeah! Oh!
Okay, tell me how excited you are
about the diggers possibly
going to the finals.
To see this town go far,
it's just--
it's the most amazing
feeling in the world
and we have such
an amazing team.
We are just so blessed
by Jesus Christ,
and I know that he
really wants us
to win state.
Um, I'm gonna change
gears a little bit.
You're friends
with Jaynie Hansen.
Have you spoken to her
since her father
was released from prison?
Um...
I don't think I'm supposed
to talk about that.
Erin, let's wrap this up.
I have to go now.
I'm telling you there's
something off, Lee.
These people aren't
as clueless as you think.
They've got
good bullshit detectors.
Now if--
make that when they find out
what we're up to,
there's gonna be
hell to pay.
Hey, Ted.
- What?
When Blanca gets here,
you might not wanna act
like such a limp dick
little douche.
She'll walk all over you.
Ted just couldn't
handle her, you know?
He was just
a little--a little wimpy,
and Lee let him have it,
so he had to go.
Ugh.
Yes, I fired Ted,
if that's what
you want to know.
I told him he could
finish out the week.
It gave me a few days
to find his replacement.
This is Margo Moorehead
reporting live
outside the Culver City
Courthouse,
where it looks like
even more bad news
for Blanca Champion.
On the heels of her
well-publicized
bout with exhaustion
come allegations
of assault and battery
from John Jordan,
a production assistant
on the set of hew new movie
Hush Hush.
As expected,
Jordan filed suit today
against Champion
and Affiliated Studios.
Allegedly Champion found
the green tea latte
delivered to her trailer
by Jordan not to her liking.
That's when sources say
Champion proceeded
to hurl the scolding hot
drink at Jordan
causing second degree burns
from his torso,
well, down to his
more delicate regions.
In a statement released
this morning,
Champion swears the beverage
was only lukewarm,
which is indeed why she
threw it at him
in the first place.
This is Margo
reporting live--
Hey.
Wait, John, where exactly
were you burned?
Can you show us again?
- John, just one question.
I, uh, I was
starting to think
that I'd never work again.
Oh, stop it, stop it.
Come on.
All right, I'm excited.
Tell me about this job.
I'm serious, okay,
it's a great concept
for a reality show.
Now picture this.
A small border town.
The high school hockey team
on a 100-year losing streak
winds up with a star forward
for the first time
in the school's history,
and they got a shot
at the State Championship.
Production's running
a little bit behind.
They need
a solid director,
and I told them
you're the guy.
Underdog sports team.
Kid makes good.
I like it.
I knew it, I knew it!
Now get this.
The team's called
the Gold Diggers.
They're from this
tiny little town
called White Plains
in North Dakota.
They're gonna--
North Dakota?
Oh, wow.
Uh, border town kind of
makes it sound like Mexico.
Uh, I don't know, Seaton.
I'm from San Diego.
I think I might freeze
my ass off.
Two words, Jake--
global warming.
My assistant
looked it up online.
It's like Cabo
up there right now.
Ohh.
When did you say
your condo payment was due?
Okay, look, I know
back on the ranch
getting cancelled
like that as tough on you.
I know, I get it, okay?
Now get over it.
This will boost
your confidence.
And besides, the network
would really consider
this one a favor.
And actually,
there's one more thing.
What?
Blanca Champion is
gonna be up there with you.
Blanca Champion?
You're joking, right?
I never joke
when there's a commission
involved, Jake.
Her next movie is with
the network's film division,
and she's playing
a reality television director
who uncovers some
major political scandal.
I haven't
read the script yet.
She wants to do
the whole method thing.
You know, be taken
seriously as an actress.
And since you and Blanca
work so well together,
the network thought
that she could observe you.
Work well together?
Seaton, I was
her production assistant
on her first movie.
I was
a glorified babysitter.
I doubt
she even remembers me.
Well, she guess what?
Now only does
she remember you,
she loves, loves,
loves the idea.
She said this time around
she could be your P.A.
Besides, with all
the bad publicity
she's been getting lately,
she could use
a little babysitting.
Seaton, let me
get this straight.
You want me to go
to a remote town
in a red state
that borders Canada
with Blanca Champion
pretending
to fetch people coffee?
Wait, Seaton,
that's ridiculous.
I'm not that broke.
And to be honest with you,
life is too short.
And how's it even possible?
You know what it's like
going out in public with her.
She draws crowds
like the Beatles.
No, no, no.
That's the beauty, Jake.
The townspeople have signed
non-disclosure agreements.
You and Blanca are gonna be
in the middle of nowhere.
Only studio publicity
knows about it.
And by the time the world
press gets wind of it,
your show will be wrapped.
And best of all,
they're gonna pay your rate.
Yeah, huh!
Yeah, you're welcome.
And besides,
getting out of town
might help you
get over the break-up too.
Thanks for going
there, Seaton.
Oh, come on, Jake.
If my fiancee left me for some
dip-shit kid from survivor,
I'd jump at the chance
to get out of town.
Can I bring my dog?
Yeah, I thought this would
be a great thing for Jake.
You know,
when your personal life
starts going to hell,
work really is
the best antidote.
My name is Nik,
and I am a P.A.
on the show, uh,
Digger Fever.
White Plains
is the kind of city
that people in Middle America
make fun of.
I know that there's
little kids operating machinery.
Uh, like, five-year-olds.
This is--this is
a really small town.
You know, there's--
it's--it's bizarre,
and, um,
that's just
the way they live.
They catch their food.
They hunt it,
they cook it, they eat it.
You've gotta
hand it to coach Ty Carhartt
for breaking this team's
long-running losing streak,
and turning this team
into real contenders for State.
All right, well,
that's all of it, Jaynie.
You better get home,
or your mom's
gonna kill me.
And remember--
I know, I know.
Vance wasn't here.
Right.
Thanks.
Bye, Vance.
Great game tonight.
Bye, kidlet.
Well, I'm gonna go up
and try tweaking the dish.
I'll see if we can
get some reception.
Um, babe,
I know it's weird,
but are you sure
you're okay?
I mean, with his
release and everything?
I'm okay.
Some dads give interviews
to Fox Sports,
and some give them
to parole boards.
If the way that crew guy
checked you out today
is any indicator,
when the show hits the air,
you're gonna be
the next Blanca Champion, baby.
Vance.
She's skanky,
and blonde, and rich.
We have nothing
in common.
Whoa.
Not true.
You both have
smokin' hot little booties.
Is that the only reason you date me?
- Yes.
And the fact it really
pisses off my dad.
Come on.
We have to close up.
Then I can focus
all my attention on you.
Go fix the dish while I turn
out the lights on the trails.
Okay, Roger that.
I can get the lights too.
Just finish up in here.
Really.
- I'll do it. I'll do it.
I'll do it.
It'll take two minutes.
Hurry, please.
Couldn't wait, huh?
Very funny, Vance.
Come on, you know
I hate this shit.
Vance?
Come on, Vance.
Oh.
The way that girl died
is just--I don't know,
in any other town,
it would--
it would raise
a red flag.
And everybody here is just
kind of going about
their day-to-day business.
Nobody's thinking about it
like it's a big deal.
What do I think about the amount
of accidents in this town?
Um, I think it's a shame to
happen to all the pretty people.
I'm just kidding, that's--
that's not even funny.
That's inappropriate, sorry.
# I'm dangerous #
# dangerous # #
There you go, buddy.
How you doin', buddy?
I missed you.
Yeah, I missed you.
Hey, you must be Jake.
I'm Greg,
the production's U.P.M.
Hey, man.
Nice to meet you.
How was your flight?
Uh, it was good.
It was
a little windy.
Always like that
around here?
Pretty much.
Welcome to the north woods.
You ready to go?
Yeah.
It's about a six-hour
drive to White Plains from here.
I was surprised there was no
other crew on the plane with me.
Most of the crew arrived
the Monday before last.
It's been pretty intense here
with all that's happened.
Why, what's happened?
One of the local girls
just got killed
in an ATV accident.
Townfolk pretty much
freaked out
when Ted,
our first director,
tried to get exclusive
with them about it.
Wait.
Ted, your first director?
So I'm--
I'm replacing him?
Dude, those agent types
aren't too big
on full disclosure,
are they?
I generally tell my clients
what they need to know.
And Jake needed a job,
and, um--and he got it.
Shit.
Hello?
Is there somebody
down there?
We're taking a poll this morning
on Good Morning White Plains,
with Bob Hansen.
Hey, dude.
You're up.
Hey, man.
Jake, this intersection's
a good landmark.
It's exactly 39 Miles
from your cabin.
The Mini-mart
on the right's
where we do most
of our shopping.
Is this the place?
Yeah, almost.
It's about another
mile and a half down this road.
They're summer homes, mostly.
We tried to find
three together,
but no such luck.
Well, the second door
on the right's
your bedroom.
You're sharing
this place with Lee,
our executive producer.
Did you--did you
just see that?
I think I just
saw a guy
Standing out there
with a mask.
Dude, you've been up what,
like, 20 hours?
We're in the boonies, bro.
Oh, by the way.
Lee wants to meet you
in an hour at the local diner
for a production meeting.
Uh, okay.
Um, so it's just
me and Lee here?
Is he here
right now?
Yeah, uh, she,
and no.
She's actually sleeping at one
of the other crew cabins,
but we're not supposed
to know about that.
We could talk
about that later.
Got map and directions.
And keys.
Peace out, brother.
Bongo, what did I just
get us into?
I--I can't.
You're gonna have
to speak up.
I can't hear you.
Hello?
Sit.
Oh, piece of crap.
You must be Jake.
I'm Phoebe, Lee's assistant.
We're totally
excited you're here.
Jake, I'm Lee Tyson,
the show's producer.
Thank you
for getting here so quick.
Yeah, no problem.
Hey, it's too bad your
last show got canceled.
But their loss is our gain.
Am I right?
And you get
your very own
celebrity P.A.
Blanca Champion, ooh--
God bless her.
She has got
some beautiful tits.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
No, I'm sure she'll be, um,
flattered you think so.
Hey, Phoebe,
do me a favor.
Will you go call
the equipment house,
see where the rest
of our stuff is?
Sure, I'll be
right back.
Okay, look.
Here's the deal.
These people think
that we are here
to shoot a reality show
about their loser
hockey team making good.
But some girl kills herself
joyriding at night,
probably drunk
on moonshine or something.
Hey, hi.
More coffee, maybe?
Someday?
Closest Starbucks
is, like, 80 miles away.
I don't get it.
It's ridiculous.
Thank you!
Anyway,
Everyone is all bent
out of shape about this,
Except coach Carhartt,
who only cares
About winning
the championship.
Now, did I mention
the ex-coach, Hansen,
He's a flippin' loon
who just got out of prison
For accidentally killing
his wife ten years ago.
Carhartt's son
was banging Hansen's daughter.
Hansen's daughter
ends up dead.
It's fucking gold.
Wow, yeah,
um, that's--
that's a lot
of information.
Uh, you know, Lee,
I kind of, uh, liked
the whole underdog
hockey team angle.
I'm not really such a fan
of messing with people's heads.
And I am telling you
that I want you to go
to that high school
and shoot me a fucking show
about these crazy coaches
and their
beer-guzzling buddies.
Got it?
Um, I take my job
pretty seriously,
and i try to do good work
no matter what the show.
But talk to me
like that again,
and you can book me
on the next flight home.
Sorry it took so long,
it's totally freezing
out there and whatnot.
There's still
no cell reception.
I'll keep trying
the equipment house.
Oh, here.
Thank you.
Can I help you?
What?
The townspeople
are all up in my grill,
because I've got my crew
asking questions
that aren't just
about hockey.
I mean,
give me a break.
Do these people even own
a fucking television?
It's not like
the show's
for the fucking
nature channel people.
Seaton Brookstone's office.
Hello? Hey.
Shannon, hey, it's Jake.
Is Seaton in?
Hi, Jake.
I'm having a bad time
hearing you.
It's not
a good connection.
I don't have Seaton right now;
he's in a meeting.
Yeah, I'm sure he is.
Listen, Shannon, I--
This is the first time
I've had any bars
on my phone
since I landed.
Something--
something's off here,
and i really need
to talk to him
before I go in
and start this thing up.
Can you have him
call me please?
Hello?
Hello?
Shit.
Oh, over here?
Clients love, love, love
to bitch about problems
on locations.
You know,
"my wardrobe sucks."
You know,
"my trailer's not big enough."
You know, I--I--"they're housing
me in the woods."
I try not
to take those calls.
By the time I return,
they've usually worked
it out for themselves.
I can't believe
she's coming here.
She has such
beautiful hair.
You're talking
like a loser, Erin.
Having these people here
is just all wrong.
Are we clear?
Yes, ma'am.
My girls should not be
looking up to her.
They should be
looking up to me.
Blanca Champion is coming
to White Plains
to do research
for a movie role.
She's playing
a reality TV director
who uncovers
some big political scandal.
You know,
I don't even want to tell you
what I saw
down in that boiler room.
Doesn't that sound
like a great movie?
I mean, this really is
an exciting business.
# I wasn't born #
# I wasn't born #
# I wasn't born to suffer #
# I wasn't born #
# I wasn't born #
# I wasn't born to suffer # #
I think we're crew?
Excuse me?
I'm Keir,
your camera assistant.
Or at least
I think so.
'Cause no one spends
that much money
on sunglasses
around here.
So I figured
you're Jake, right?
Uh, I--I am.
Um, and I got these for free
off my last show.
I was, um--I was worried
they were a bit
too fancy for me.
No, you pull 'em off well.
Finally, a friendly face.
Hey,
can I talk you into maybe
showing me around this place?
So, did you meet Lee?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she's quite a lady.
And I use
the term loosely.
Before we go in--
I don't mean
to cross any lines,
but can I
show you something?
Yeah, sure.
I'm dying
to google these people.
I don't know
if you've tried yet,
but it's impossible
to get on the internet up here.
I've tried the dial-up,
like, 30 times,
only to get knocked off
after 10 seconds.
This is
the girl that died.
Jaynie, right?
Yeah.
This girl's death
was just so violent.
So you started checking
into the town's history?
Hoping to find what?
I don't know.
But let's just say
for a town this small,
this place has had its share
of death and drama.
Left behind are Ty Carhartt
and his two-year-old son Vance,
the surviving twin.
Father and son
where in Whiskey River
Picking up supplies
when the accident happened.
This is Carhartt,
the hockey coach?
Yep.
I mean, this is
an awful story.
All of it.
But I don't really get
what it has to do
with this ATV accident.
That's just it.
I don't think
this was an accident.
You two
have to leave.
Now.
Gold Diggers go!
Gold Diggers go!
I told you,
bucket tosses.
Vance, you need
to focus!
Carhartt, the hockey coach?
Yep.
We're not gonna
beat Eagle Ridge
unless you show
some hustle, boy.
Maybe we ought to take
this practice outside.
Run a few laps.
Then you'll play like men
instead of wussies.
I don't want to accuse
Vance's dad
of having anything to do
with these killings,
But I--I have
a weird inkling that there--
there's some connection there,
because it's just bizarre
the way he treats his son.
And he creeps me out
in a way.
Vance, come on, come on.
Move it, move it.
He is so hard on
his son. It's relentless.
He makes him call him "coach,"
instead of "dad."
Come on, coach.
Focus!
Kid's not getting much
of a morning period, huh?
Is that Luke?
Luke!
Jake!
I didn't know
you were on this show, man.
Thank God you're here.
These people
are a bunch of freaks.
We did a show called,
uh, Your Town over in Miami
a few years ago.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, so, uh,
What are you doing on this show?
I thought you were big time.
What, come on, man.
Anywhere you are
is the big time, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, so, uh,
how's Stacy doing?
Uh, you know, let's, uh--
let's not even go there.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's all right.
How's the rest
of your crew?
Dude, let me put it
to you this way:
Our sound guy's a local hire
who lives in his car.
We should get going,
because Lee's
gonna get here.
And that woman,
we do not want to piss off.
All right man. Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
Yeah, see you in a bit.
What the hell?
There he is.
How you doin', man?
All right.
Jake.
Looks like you
already met Keir.
This is Daphne,
our story producer.
And this is Mike,
your sound guy.
Hey, man, have we
worked together before?
What?
Hi, Jake.
Hi.
I know it's tres geeky
to say,
but I love your work.
I'm so excited
you're on this project.
Back On The Ranch
is my favorite show.
Was.
Is.
I blogged my brains out on
the fan site to bring it back.
Uh, well, thank you.
I'm glad you liked it.
I did too.
All right, the only one
we're missing is Nik, our P.A.,
But he went to Winnipeg
to pick up Blanca.
She's arriving
by helicopter.
Isn't that cool?
Yeah, that's very cool.
Look, I was
the first one here.
So if you want
the back story on anyone,
cast or crew,
come to me.
Hi, Daphne!
Is she here yet?
Almost.
That's Erin,
the head cheerleader.
She's very excited
to meet Blanca.
Hey, excuse me
for a second, Daphne.
Um, Luke, can we, uh,
go ahead and set up
for an interview?
I want to talk
to that kid Vance.
Daphne, can you, um,
sit in?
We gotta get a frame
for these confessionals.
No problem.
Good.
Right here.
Good.
I wonder
where Miss Falls is.
She's kind of a tyrant
with the girls before games.
Daphne?
Best moment
of this season?
Um--
Okay, yeah,
I guess it was, um,
looking at the sidelines
when we beat Riverdale,
and, uh,
seeing Jaynie.
You know, she was just
hootin' and hollerin'.
You know, and--
Whatever happened
to Jaynie out there
wasn't an accident, okay?
And...
I want people
to know.
Someone--
some monster
did that to her.
I don't know who.
But, um, I'm gonna
find 'em.
I gotta go.
Hey.
What would you say if I told you
I saw someone watching me
from the woods
this morning, in a mask?
I'd say
you sounded paranoid,
and, uh, I am buying you a stiff
drink tonight, my friend.
Blanca--
Blanca--
Blanca Champion, wow.
Oh, I'm really excited
to meet Blanca Champion.
I'd say we have
a pretty unique connection.
I mean, how many guys
can say that they've
carried all 28 pieces
of her luggage?
She's, uh--
she's very, uh--
I don't know
how to say this.
I held her hand.
Well, I blocked her hand.
Yeah, she was--
she was trying to hit me.
I--it was my fault.
I made a mistake.
But yeah, I mean,
we're pretty close.
I'd say "high maintenance,"
in a really good way.
She's charming, she's funny,
she works the room.
You know, she's the master
at the grand entrance.
I can't even begin
to believe this.
# you spin around #
# around yeah yeah #
# around around #
# around around around #
# love's a boomerang #
# it's a boomerang #
# yeah love's a boomerang #
# a boom boom boomerang #
# a boomerang #
# yeah it's a boomerang #
# love's a boomerang #
# a boom boom boomerang # #
Okay, I--I'll be right back.
Okay.
Hi, Blanca.
Hi, Scooby!
Hi.
Hi.
Um,
What the hell
are you wearing?
I was told
to dress sexy.
By who?
Seaton?
You look like Punky Brewster
with hypothermia.
It's being handled,
right, sweetheart?
Handled.
Miss Champion,
I am so excited to meet you.
I--I--
I am your biggest fan.
Um, you are
a personal hero to me.
Do you think
you can sign this, please?
Sure, sweetie.
Um, I know it's
none of my business,
but you two
were so close.
Uh, why were
you fighting?
Because she's a cunt.
Okay.
Uh, excuse us
for a second.
We're just gonna--
I'm a big fan too.
Yeah?
- Yeah.
Have a little, uh,
talk, shall we?
Okay!
- Easy, Scooby.
You're turning me on.
Yeah, please
don't call me Scooby.
Okay, okay, okay.
Hey, buddy.
Um, would you mind
excusing us for a second?
Hey, sexy.
I like the way
those shorts
cup your little ass.
It's delicious.
Blanca.
Do you
even remember me?
I'm sorry, are we
in the boys locker room?
It stinks in here.
Bleh!
Yeah, no, I know this isn't,
uh, exactly ideal,
but i hear if we make it
through the next few weeks
on our best behavior,
we're gonna score
big bonus points
with the studio.
Ooh, what's
best behavior?
Well, it's probably, uh,
not using the "c" word
In front
of small-town cheerleaders.
Oh, God.
They're dealing with some
heavy shit around here.
A local girl recently
got killed in an accident,
so the people
are pretty shook up.
All right, whatever.
Okay, you know what?
I get it.
Don't worry, Jake.
I remember how nice
you used to be to me.
People don't really
tell me how it is these days.
And I'm serious about
this movie research stuff, okay?
I'm sick of playing
dopey teenagers.
I have to nail this.
We're cool.
All right.
Oh, hey, and, um,
it's kind of--
kind of cold in here.
So you may want to rethink
the whole mini-skirt thing.
Fuck off.
- Okay, nice. Very nice.
Jaynie Hansen's death, um--
You know, where I'm from,
you get a cut, a scrape,
A broken leg
is considered an accident.
What happened to her,
I don't think that
was an accident.
Jaynie's dad has always
scared the hell out of me,
to be honest.
# everybody loves you that way #
# everybody loves you that way #
Where are we even
going, anyways?
And I can't believe
this is the crew Van.
So lame.
It's the only
thing we'd all fit in.
Besides,
it's a low-budget show.
The school let us
use this for free.
Look, guys, if this is what
the kids were talking about,
then this is the story
to follow.
Everyone we've talked to
has brought up this Hansen guy.
Jake's right.
I mean this town's more
interested in this girl's death
than anything else.
Does anyone know
how long
this guy's been
out of prison?
Less than a month.
It's a big deal around here.
I saw a picture of Hansen's
dead wife at the school.
Very pretty.
Oh, lucky us.
A predator round-up.
Is that what they do for fun
here in cat piss,
North Dakota?
Hey, do I need
to remind you
that I'm on
a 10-hour schedule,
and I don't do overtime?
Okay.
Thanks, Mike.
Nice watch,
by the way.
Hey, dude, why don't you
sell that thing
so you don't have
to live in your trailer?
I like living in my camper.
Is that okay with you?
Whatever, loser.
Nik, do you have any idea
where this cabin is?
Erin said we can't miss it.
Should be just
off the lake.
# everybody loves you that way #
# everybody loves you
that way # #
Hansen was
supposedly devastated,
but Carhartt testified
that he saw Hansen
and his wife
fighting in the school parking
lot hours before her death.
That got him sent away,
and left
the coaching job open,
which went to Carhartt.
Hansen's lawyer found
some evidence
that got him released
on an appeal.
But, as you can imagine,
after ten years
in a North Dakota jail,
still pretty angry.
Hello?
Coach Hansen?
Ooh, I guess the pretty wife
kind of settled.
Hi, um,
my name's Jake Tanner.
And, um, we're in town
shooting a show--
I know
what you're up to.
Wash my thoroughly
from my inequity
and cleanse me from my sin.
Against thee, the only,
have I sinned and done
that which is evil
in thy sight.
This guy is fucking
scary as shit.
I'm just gonna
put this microphone on you
right here, okay?
Get the hell out of here.
I didn't invite you here.
This is private property.
I said get the hell out!
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Sorry.
All of you.
We didn't mean
to bother you.
We don't want
any trouble.
What about
my microphone?
I'm billing production.
That reality TV crew
should have been
following me around,
you know?
While they were
out talking
to Jaynie Hansen's
crazy dad,
I was finding
the cheerleading coach's body
all mangled
in the wood shop.
Now that would have made for
some great television, you know?
I took some footage
with my camera phone
if you guys
want to buy it though.
I don't give a fuck
who she is, her agent--
Wait a minute, that asshole
is your agent too, isn't he?
Yeah, well,
he made me pay her as a P.A.
while she does
her research.
So guess
what that means?
She needs to work
like a fucking P.A.,
so this is how it's going
to go.
As long as she
is on my payroll--
remember this--
will do.
I wanna know
when she naps
where she naps,
and how long she naps.
You're gonna write it down
and deduct it from her paycheck.
Got it?
Lee, why don't you
give her a break?
She traveled all night.
That's just great, Jake.
What do you want to do,
give her a fucking bottle,
and change
her diapers too?
Blanca Champion...
All you can think
to yourself is
"why can't this girl
just get her hands
on some decent conditioner?"
Just wash it.
I don't get it.
Can you explain it?
I didn't really know
what to expect,
uh, with Lee.
She's--she's--
she's a bitch.
She's a super-bitch,
actually.
Um, we're all trying
to kind of deal with her,
because she's our boss.
But, um, yeah,
there's no other word for Lee.
Lee doesn't really
get along with anyone
who isn't Lee.
Mister?
Hey, what's up, buddy?
I heard what Vance
said to you before.
He's right.
Mike, I think--
I think we're good.
Just doing my job, man.
It wasn't an accident.
Okay, I'm listening.
Jaynie used to take me
cross-country skiing there
all the time.
She knew that place.
I heard something
when I was leaving that night.
But I didn't
do nothing.
You know
what I think?
I think you're
one brave little guy
For telling me that.
I'm gonna do
some asking around.
Cool?
- Cool.
Come on.
You know, if--
uh, you know--
if you--if you
wanna nap in--
uh, the bed
in my camper is, uh--
it's a lot more comfortable
than in here.
I'm fine here, fuck face,
but thanks.
Lee.
You home?
Ah, hey, buddy.
What are you doing?
Yeah, you wanna
go outside, don't you?
All right.
All right, come on.
Come on, bongo.
Holy shit.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You scared the hell out of me.
Don't go digging up shit
you don't know nothin' about.
I'm sorry, what?
- You heard me.
It's a small town.
We all talk to each other.
I don't care to hear
none of the shit
coach Hansen is spinnin'.
He's an ex-con.
And a murderer.
Are we clear?
Yeah.
We're clear.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, wow, uh--
Jesus, sorry.
Nice timing, douche bag.
Um, we were just gonna go
get a beer and whatnot.
You should totally come.
Okay.
You're so bad.
I have that extra sense,
you know?
Like, I can smell blood
a mile away.
I knew something
was rotten in Bismarck.
Sheriff says she was in there
for hours before I found her.
Has anyone
told her husband?
Ah, he's down state
on a timber run.
I tried him on the CB,
but no luck.
Who you guys
talking about?
There was a--
an accident up at the school.
Miss Falls,
the cheerleading coach.
It was her, uh,
digger spirit
that finally did her in.
She's dead.
Decapitated.
Heart beatless.
I get it.
That's awful.
How often do these
accidents happen?
Now, what's that
supposed to mean?
A wood shop
is a very dangerous place.
These kind of things
just happen every so often.
It's a part of life.
Look, uh,
what do you say
we cut out of here?
Let's go
for a midnight swim.
I'd say "hell yeah."
I'll get our coats.
No good can
come of you staying here.
You have brought evil
to our town.
The likes of which
we've never seen.
Mark my words
and leave now.
Consider yourselves warned.
All of you.
Hey!
Hey, hey,
hey, hey.
Come on, man.
Jesus.
Guess it's safe to say they
don't like us being here.
No, I don't think
they do.
No, no, no, don't any of you
listen to that crackpot.
He's a drunk.
He's jealous 'cause he wants
to be on TV.
He'll get over it.
You think so?
- Yes.
We just need to get our show
in the can and move on.
Now, wrap it up,
we got an early morning call.
I guess now isn't
a good time to mention
they found Miss Fall's body
at the school?
There was another accident.
You know what,
all this fucking town has
is screechy old men
with crusty mitts,
and perverts.
Let's get
the hell out of here.
Crazy shit, dude.
Man, I've done a lot of shows
where they picketed us,
like Your Town: Seattle.
They didn't want us there.
But this--this place, man--
you'd think they don't
even want an economy.
I mean, they just want to,
you know, sit around,
and, you know,
eat elk.
And the ex-coach,
he looks like the villain
from the Scooby-Doo cartoons.
Weird.
Honestly,
what I'd like to know
is where the fuck
my crew was
when that chalupa
was finding her body
in the wood shop.
Probably asking some
little kid
about the thrill
of victory.
I don't know
how often out here
women using heavy industrial
equipment have accidents.
So I don't know
if that's normal or not.
But in my book, uh,
that's three shades of weird.
Did you hear this?
Blanca Champion has gotten
herself into trouble--
For the last time, I don't know
where the damn
camera stuff is.
It never arrived.
Oh, will you just zip your pie hole?
I can't call the network
and tell them that
$30,000 worth
of equipment is M.I.A.
It is not okay
to talk to me like that.
I did not sign on
for this totally deceptive job
and whatnot.
And why can't you just give the
network the show they ordered?
It's a totally better show.
Because no one wants
to watch a show
about some wittle
hockey team.
They'd much rather
watch a show
about a bloodthirsty convict
out for revenge.
That is why.
Can I ask you something?
- What?
Did you seduce me
because you thought
it would keep me quiet?
Because that was
a total miscalculation.
Well, I think that
you're gonna keep quiet.
You know why?
If you don't,
I will cancel
your plane ticket home.
I will drive you out
into the woods,
and I will
leave you there.
You wouldn't
do that to me.
You can try me.
Now we can continue
to play nice or not.
The choice
is yours, Phoebe.
You're a real coose.
And an awful boss.
As long as these guys
play digger hockey,
and keep focused
on the game,
there's not gonna be
any stopping them.
Look, I only got two hours
before the next game.
I got things to do.
Come on.
Hey, is the, uh--
is the coach mic'd?
I'm having trouble
hearing him.
No, he's not mic'd.
We left his out at the crazy
guy's shack, remember?
Well, we gotta have
this guy mic'd
before the playoff games.
Well then I suggest
you send somebody
out there
to get it.
Okay.
I'm sending you.
- Yeah, I could do that.
Except is there
anybody else here that, uh,
Can wire a P.A. system?
Anybody else here
that can run play-by-play?
It'll take me
about an hour and a half.
So that's a perfect
amount of time
for you to go
do it yourself.
Okay.
Go rig your P.A.
But, hey,
do me a favor?
Um, let's cut out
this whole smug asshole thing.
'Cause it's really
working my last nerve, okay?
Okay.
Sorry, boss.
Mother fucker.
Nik.
A production assistant
on a show like this, um--
you're basically like
bus boy's assistant.
Well, does this suck ass?
Mm-hmm!
Am I getting paid
nearly enough to do it?
No fucking way.
Hmm.
Coach?
Hey, um--
I'm really sorry
to bother you,
but, uh, we need to get
that microphone back
from earlier today.
I thought...
you might have
it in there.
Hello?
Don't be a puss.
Look, uh, coach,
I just
really wanted
to apologize,
uh, about earlier today.
Oh, shit!
What the fuck?
What the fuck is--
Blanca's hitting
on all the cute little boys,
uh, in the school,
and taking them away
from the little
cheerleader girls.
These days,
it doesn't seem
that Erin cares
for Blanca too much.
Uh, I believe
she called her a--
A "cocaine-fueled
gutter slut."
Also, she needs
to stop telling people
that I'm overweight.
I thought someone
had mistakenly told her
that my name was Ella.
Turns out,
she's doing it on purpose.
"Ella" is short
for elephant.
Tonight's student
council screening of Buckets,
starring Blanca Champion,
has been canceled
until further notice.
I need
to talk to you.
Excuse me!
Get your hands
off me, chunk!
I weigh 110 pounds.
That's not fat.
I have tried to be as nice
as I know how.
That's over.
I'm giving you
this warning:
stay away from Vance,
or I'm going to get my cousins
to go to your cabin,
and have them hog tie you
and weigh you.
Capiche?
You know what?
Screw this!
I don't need this bullshit.
This fucking
method acting crap.
Listen up,
you little pissher,
I don't give a shit
if you're losing me.
This is important.
It is the first time
that I've had reception
since I've been out here.
You tell Seaton
if he still wants me
as a client,
he will get me
on the next god damn plane
out of here, okay?
Do you hear me?
Hello?
Can you hear me now?
Fuckity-fuck fuck fuck!
Thanks a lot, man.
All right, no problem.
All right, when's desperate
the sound elf coming back?
I feel like an idiot.
Blanca.
All right, we got
five minutes until game time.
Is Nik back
with that microphone?
He's not, and if--
there's no way to reach him.
And Lee said if he doesn't
get here in five,
he's fired.
Whoa, that's
a little harsh, huh?
And where's Mike?
Mike!
I'm right here.
The P.A. system is rigged.
All right, good.
Let's get ready
to shoot.
# wrap me up in velvet #
# velvet baby #
# I wanna live forever # #
Vance's game this season
has been nothing
short of a phenomenon.
Shot.
Goal!
The state championship
is just a bus ride away
for the Gold Diggers.
Any sign of Nik?
- Nope.
God, that's so weird.
Oh, hey, coach.
Great game tonight.
Hey, listen.
Can I ask you a favor?
Favors aren't really
my specialty.
That's funny.
Hey, look, I--I noticed
you had a treadmill
upstairs in the gym.
Would you mind if I grabbed
a quick workout?
You know,
I like your dedication, boy.
More people should make
fitness a priority.
We're clearing out, so...
just make sure to lock
the doors when you leave.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, hey, excuse me,
coach stick-up-your-ass,
do you think that I might
massage your penis
for a few minutes so that
I too might get a workout?
Is it hard being
such a douchebag all the time?
Uh, no.
No, I actually
kind of like it.
Loser.
Luke for Daphne.
Go ahead, Luke.
Was the Tahoe ever
supposed to be used
as a cast car?
Not that I know of.
Phoebe handled
all the rentals, why?
It's just I found
a lipstick camera
rigged in the back seat,
and I didn't put any
lipstick cameras
on the equipment order.
And this is
the second one I've found.
I didn't know this show had
that kind of surveillance.
I didn't think so either.
I'll ask.
Copy that.
Hello?
I'm still up here!
Oh, what the hell, man?
Hello?
Whoa.
What the fuck?
Who are you, man?
Ow!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, fuck!
Oh!
Cops here are actually
pretty laid back
about actually, um,
working.
The cops in White Plains
aren't like
the cops you see
in the movies.
I mean, they like
doughnuts and all,
but they're not really
into, like,
answering the phone
or investigating.
Try the local bar.
It seems to be
their headquarters.
Big time Hollywood ho.
Have a lovely day.
What'd she say?
Hey, I meant to ask,
did you guys
pre-rig the cars with cameras
before we got up here?
Can we please not talk
about work for a second?
I need a break from this show
and this town.
And, um, mm,
more liquor.
Hey, any sign
of Greg or Nik?
Nope, I thought
they'd be here already.
Yeah?
Hello?
Hey, sugarpuss!
Hi, see me standing here
with moolah in my hand?
No?
Yes?
Hi!
Hello, how are you?
Any of you lovely ladies
want a shot of tequila?
Mm, I'd like a shot.
That a girl.
Looks like Miss Champion
found herself
another victim.
Okay, to the super-star
hockey player.
Well, to the super-hot
actress/model.
Okay, I've been called worse.
But, whatever.
Mm.
So, um,
I heard you were kind of close
to that girl that died.
Sorry, the cheerleaders
were talking,
and the microphone
picks everything up.
Which is something
I need to remember
next time I bag
on the crew.
Yeah, I guess, um--
I guess you can say
this went from being
the best year of my life
to the worst in,
you know, a blink.
I'm really sorry.
You know,
it gets better.
My dad died
when I was 14,
and i thought I would
never get over it.
I mean, it doesn't
go away,
but it gets easier.
Promise?
Yeah.
Isn't he
a little young for her?
Is it still illegal
if it's a boy?
I heard she slept
with that P.A. who sued her.
And then
she got tired of him,
treated him like garbage,
until finally,
he had enough.
See, that's how
rumors get started.
What, you saying
it's not true?
Well, I think the press
likes to paint Blanca
as the bad girl.
And I think sometimes
she feels obligated
to live up
to those expectations.
Oh, Phoebe,
you've gone from zero
to Tara Reid in 60 seconds.
Let's just say
this show's all about
firsts and lasts,
and whatnot.
I hate to be a buzz kill,
but, uh,
I'm calling it a night.
All right,
do me a favor,
and just be careful, please.
Okay.
I--I love--
love being on location, but--
well, here's the thing:
I like to smoke
a lot of chuddies,
and, uh,
that can make one
a little bit paranoid.
So, uh,
the place is kind of
creeping me out, man.
I'm ready for it
to be over.
This town gives me
the swingin' icks.
Hello?
I'm so glad I got through.
Oh, my God,
I can't even begin
to believe this.
I haven't had reception
for days.
It's so good
to hear your voice.
Finally, I've been
trying forever.
I was starting
to get worried.
How's it going?
Uh, I need a margarita
and a Palm Springs weekend
like you wouldn't believe.
Kathy?
Oh, damn it.
# to be the hero #
# but I know what it's like #
# to be loved by you #
Greg, are you okay?
You been out here long?
Freeze to death.
Greg?
You stoned again?
Oh, my God!
No, no!
No, I promise!
I promise I won't tell!
Please, please,
please, please!
No, no, no!
I won't--please!
Oh, my God!
Please, please, please!
What do you mean,
she didn't come home?
She wasn't in her bed
when I woke up.
I thought maybe
she got lucky.
With who, Blanca?
We watched
her leave alone.
I can't believe
you didn't wake me up
when you saw that.
You know what, I thought
maybe she hooked up with you.
I caught her checking
my ass out a couple times.
All right, both of you
get off my hump.
I told you as soon
as I got up.
Uh, hey, Jake, coach says you have
to be on the ice
in ten minutes,
or you won't be
allowed on at all.
Sorry.
Where is the rest
of your crew?
You know what, Lee,
I'd like to know
the same thing.
Something's really wrong here.
Luke is never late.
I don't feel so good.
Oh, Phoebe,
pull it together.
Fuck you, Lee.
What again?
Oh, my God.
Jake, you've got about
five minutes to get on that ice.
We don't have a show
without this game.
Well, what do you
want me to do, Lee?
Three quarters of my crew
is missing.
Like I told the last guy,
you're the director,
figure it out.
Sure thing, bitch.
I'm sorry,
what was that?
You know what, Lee?
I called you a bitch.
I'm beginning
to understand why
the first director
only lasted a few days.
Keir, can you mix audio?
I can try.
Okay, Blanca, I'm going to need
you to hold the boom pole.
Oh, my God.
I'm so gonna fucking kill
my acting coach.
You know what?
You do not
talk to me that way
In front
of the crew.
You finish out the day.
After that,
you're fired.
That's fine, Lee.
You know, I've worked with some
really difficult people
in my career, but you
are a whole 'nother breed.
And you know what else?
Nice job sleeping
with your assistant.
It's very classy.
Hey, by the way,
too bad your fiancee
wasn't on the show, Jake.
I could have banged her
before she moved on
to the cast.
You try getting
another job with affiliated.
You're finished.
We need to comb
this school,
and find
that missing stuff.
You can't hide monitors
that size in a suitcase.
You are the one
who will go down for this.
This isn't Bewitched, Lee.
I can't just wiggle my nose,
and make stuff appear
and whatnot.
Just try to keep
an eye on things here,
if you can.
I'm gonna go get
the rest of the crew.
One of those morons
is getting promoted to director.
Go.
Gotcha.
Holy shit.
What the fuck?
Because no one wants
to watch a show
about some wittle
hockey team.
Oh, my God.
Am I being punked?
I thought they
canceled that show.
Ashton!
What the fuck?
Ah!
We just wanna go
on record here
that a bunch
of our crew members
are missing.
Um, and Lee wants us
to shoot anyway.
But as soon
as this is over,
we're gonna go find them.
Tell your camera guy
I didn't appreciate him
leaving the treadmill
and the lights on
all night.
I am shocked
at you people's
disrespect.
No good deed goes unpunished,
huh, Hollywood?
Sorry, coach.
That's not usually like him.
Ah.
The bus leaves
tomorrow morning
at 5:30 A.M.
for Fargo.
It waits for no one.
Vance, come on.
Let's go.
Blanca, help Keir grab
some of this stuff.
Why?
Could you just help us
pack up this stuff, please?
Jeez, bitch.
And they say
I'm difficult.
Phoebe, should we
wait for you?
Oh, I gotta get the releases
for tomorrow's game.
And stop by
the mini mart.
I'll meet you guys back
at the crew cabin, okay?
All right.
Be careful.
Luke? Nick?
Um, you guys?
Hello?
Oh, phone's dead.
- Shocking!
Doesn't look like Luke
slept in his bed last night.
And you're right,
'cause Daphne's bed
hasn't been slept in.
It doesn't make any sense.
Where the hell's her truck?
Oh, my God!
Fucking shit!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Don't touch it!
Is that Mike's watch?
Oh, my God.
What is it holding?
It's the fucking microphone
that we lost at the cabin.
He must have went back
to go get it.
Ew.
Oh, my God,
that fucking sick coach
must have cut his hand off!
We gotta call the cops!
Okay, guys, guys, guys.
Calm down, calm down.
Check your phones.
Do you have any signal?
Keir, check your phone.
Blanca.
Blanca, check your phone.
No signal, nothing.
I have nothing.
What is this?
What is that freaky mask?
Who is this?
Who cares?
Somebody is out there
who thinks it's okay
to chops people's
hands off.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
That's Daphne.
What?
I know that sign.
That's out
by coach Hansen's cabin.
We gotta get out there.
Guys, we gotta go.
She could still
be alive, come on.
Come on!
I can't even begin
to believe this.
Hey, why are we
stopping here?
Okay, listen, I'm gonna go
check out the site.
I need you guys
to stay here,
and try to get in touch
with the cops, okay?
I saw an old CB radio
in the principal's office.
Tell them to meet me
by the predator round-up sign
by Hansen's cabin.
O--okay, so you're just gonna
go hang with the fucking killer?
Look, we gotta get back
on the highway and keep driving.
I hate to break this
to you guys,
But that girl
is probably dead.
And what if
she's not, Blanca?
What if Nik and Luke
and Greg need our help too?
How are we even
gonna get in there?
Here, take these.
They gave them to me.
Jake, I'm going
with you.
Wait, wait, wait, I'm not going
in there by myself.
Well--all right, fine.
You're coming with us, then.
Well, both
of those choices suck.
Well, Blanca,
please pick one.
Ugh!
Fine, fine, I'll--
I'll stay here.
But I'm taking your dog
so you have to come back for me.
We are gonna come back for you.
Just go find that CB radio,
and get us some help.
And hey, hey.
Take this.
Hello?
You guys got any laxatives?
I haven't shit for weeks.
Hello?
Son of a bitch.
If you'd like to make a call,
Please hang up
and try again.
Anyone here?
Coach?
Who's back there?
Is that you, Phoebe?
Is that thing still up there?
That thing in the mask?
Mask?
Are you on drugs?
We've gotta get
out of here.
Run, run!
Just calm down.
- Run!
Just a sec--
Get in the car.
Get in the car,
get in the car!
Get in!
This better not be
some kind of hijinks
for this television show.
There was a guy in there
in a mask with an axe.
And he tried to kill me.
Kill you?
You're talking
like some kind of crazy--
Hello?
Hello, is anybody there?
This is an emergency.
Anyone?
Is anybody there?
This is an emergency.
Anyone?
Bongo.
What are you barking at?
Daphne!
Daphne!
What the fuck is that?
What?
Holy shit.
Okay, let's get out of here.
Ow!
- Fuck!
Keir, we're not gonna
be able to move this thing.
Bongo!
Where are you going?
God!
Bongo!
Look, I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna get help.
I promise I'm gonna get help.
I'll be right back, okay?
I promise you.
Okay, okay.
- I promise I'll be right back, okay?
Okay.
Fuck!
Fuck!
Holy shit!
Blanca?
What are you--
What are you doing down here?
How long have you been
down here for?
I snuck in when
that mean lady came down here.
And then it came in.
What do you mean "it came in."
It who?
He's been watching you
through those cameras.
He's been watching that.
Oh, my God.
You saw him do this to her?
Okay, we're gonna go.
Come on.
I'm gonna get us out of here.
Let's go.
This way's the quickest.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
All right.
We got to go, come on.
Okay, okay.
Come here.
Listen to me.
I want you to stay right here.
I'm going to get
us out of here.
I have to get
these keys.
I promise I'll come
right back, okay?
Shit!
Little boy, come here!
Blanca!
Listen to me,
I'm stuck.
Listen, I need you to run.
Just start running
as fast as you can
until you find somebody
that you trust, okay?
And tell them we need help.
Tell them that--
that Jake and Keir
are at coach Hansen's cabin
and they need help.
I promise I will find you.
Just go.
Go!
Blanca?
Blanca?
Who the fuck are you?
Oh, my God.
Holy shit.
Oh, my God.
Okay, okay.
Get off of me!
Who are you?
Oh, my God.
oh, my God. It's you.
Look, I can explain.
And--and--and--
stop, stop, stop!
If you'd just listen to me.
If you'll just listen to me.
You'll love me
as much as I love you.
Don't you realize that
I've done this all for us?
For you?
If those other people
would have found out,
they would have stopped it.
I'm the only one
that really cares about you.
Did you care about
the people in the video?
They were gonna tell.
That girl
and her cheerleading coach.
They found my room.
You can understand, right?
I already started.
I couldn't stop.
Get your fucking hands
off her.
I went through
a bunch of trouble
to make this
fucking show for you.
You're gonna watch it with me.
I've already seen it.
It's a piece of shit!
You said you wanted
the opportunity
to be taken seriously
as an actress.
And I gave you
that opportunity.
Because, believe me,
people are gonna
take you seriously now,
because you should see your face.
You look really fucking scared.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Hey.
Hey.
How you feeling?
Oh, this has pretty much
been the worst job
I've ever had.
How's your leg?
Uh, it hurts.
But, uh,
I'll be fine.
Vance and Connor found me.
Got Blanca to thank for that.
How is she holding up?
Uh, as well as could be expected.
God, imagine what the press
is gonna do with this thing?
And what about Mike?
Mike's description matches
the police report
of a recently escaped
mental patient.
So who knows what to believe?
Is it worth it?
What?
Being so famous?
I'll get back to you
on that one.
Authorities say
a grisly series
of murders took place
all in an effort to impress
hollywood starlet
Blanca Champion.
Champion's involvement with,
of all things,
a reality
television crew--
Hold on a second.
Wait, what is that?
It's a bullet-proof vest.
What do I think of what actually
happened in White Plains?
My God, I thought
it was tragic.
It was--it was
just tragic.
And on the other hand,
it was some
of my client's best work.
You know?
But what are you gonna do?
What can you do?
We did send flowers.
Not just Blanca.
We sent them to families
of the dead people too.
You know, I always knew
that sound guy was creepy.
I mean, it doesn't take
that much time
to hook a microphone
to a bra strap.
I was trying
to be professional,
but there's a limit.
Mike, I don't quite
understand why
he's so obsessed
with Blanca Champion,
to be completely
honest with you.
Um, but no,
I mean, hey,
listen, uh, I think he should
have just written a letter.
I think that
would have been--
I think that would
have been fine.
I think that would have
sort of
gotten the point across.
If you're asking me,
it was tough love.
But it was love.
After the killing spree,
a local station in Minnesota
offered me a spot
co-hosting their morning show.
I also received an offer
from the Christian Teen Network.
But my agent Seaton thought
that was, you know,
just embarrassing.
Seaton thinks
Jesus is overrated.
I'd like people to know
that the reason
Blanca threw that
hot latte at my crotch
was because she caught
me setting up a camcorder
to record our
next little bonefest.
She wasn't too happy
about that.
Uh, from what
the cops told me,
Mike escaped
the mental institution
by swiping some
sort of pills that,
once taken, uh,
diminish your vital signs
to a point where
they're almost
undetectable.
And, um, I guess he used
the same trick,
uh, this time around.
And he had, like,
a bullet-proof vest.
I mean this guys is--
was, like--
seriously knew what he was
doing, covered all his bases.
Pshh--went right over my head.
I had no idea.
Mike, the sound guy,
is a pain in the ass.
Do I think Blanca was surprised,
uh, when she won the Emmy?
I think she
was totally surprised.
Yeah, absolutely.
I wasn't.
Fuck no.
God, I--I saw the d--dailies,
and the network knew it.
I mean, she hit it
out of the park.
And thank God that, uh,
crazy sound guy
left the security
cameras rolling,
because the--that Emmy
really drove up her quota.
I mean, I'm getting
for her to do
Hush, Hush 2.
Vance, uh,
I don't know, for--
I'm really glad,
but, uh--
for some reason,
has some sort of a, uh,
bottle opener/bear trap opener
on his key chain.
Uh, I've been opening
bear traps since I was a kid.
So it really wasn't
that big of a deal.
Did I--did I get
the message from Jake
about finding the hand
in the refriger--yeah.
Well, I was, uh,
trying to listen to it,
but I was getting
on a plane at L.A.X.,
and Hillary Clinton
and the fucking Secret Service
had taken over
the Lieutenant's Club.
So I was out
with the masses.
And it's just ear-splitting
in that terminal.
I don't know how
you people do it.
Affiliated, uh,
has hired me
TO Direct, uh,
Hush, Hush Part Two,
which, we all know,
is Blanca Champion's next film.
What's next for me
is, uh--
I'm actually playing
the character of Jake
in the film version
of the White Plains massacre.
It was Blanca's idea.
And my lawyer's.
I'm fairly certain
that Blanca chick wants me.
I'm beginning
to think this workout
wasn't such
a bright idea.
Uh, when Jake asked me to, uh,
go to coach Hansen's house
in the middle of the night,
I think--
My first reaction was I think
I threw up a little
in the back of my mouth.
Okay, can we wrap
this thing up?
'Cause I gotta take
Montana Moorehead
to the Daisy Awards tonight,
and I never keep
a client waiting, so--
# so wrap me up in velvet #
# velvet baby #
# I wanna live forever #
# I want to be immortalized #
# velvet baby #
# and he's trying hard
to capture #
# the little bits #
# of immortality # #
I truthfully believe
that reality television
has saved television.
I-I--you know,
actors, writers,
producers, directors,
agents,
we all aspire to
the truth, you know.
And what greater truth
is there than reality?
Even when it's scripted.
# two flies in my high #
# I don't know
how to get them out #
# I don't know
how to freak them out #
# I don't know
how to hide them #
# two flies in my high #
# I don't know
how to get them out #
# I don't know
how to freak them out #
# I don't know
how to hide them #
# two flies in my high #
# I don't know
how to get them out #
# I don't know
how to freak them out #
# I don't know
how to hide them #
# two flies in my high #
# I don't know
how to get them out #
# I don't know
how to freak them out #
# I don't know
how to hide them #
# hide them, hide them
hide them #
# hide them, hide them #
# hide them, hide them,
hide them #
# hide them, hide them #
# hide them, hide them,
hide them #
# two flies in my high #
# I don't know
how to get them out #
# I don't know
how to freak them out #
# I don't know
how to hide them #
# two flies in my high #
# I don't know
how to get them out #
# I don't know
how to freak them out #
# I don't know
how to hide them #
# hide them, hide them
hide them #
# hide them, hide them #
Look at these one-touch passes.
There's no doubt
Vance Carhartt is the stick
that stirs the diggers' drink
this season.
Yeah! Oh!
Okay, tell me how excited you are
about the diggers possibly
going to the finals.
To see this town go far,
it's just--
it's the most amazing
feeling in the world
and we have such
an amazing team.
We are just so blessed
by Jesus Christ,
and I know that he
really wants us
to win state.
Um, I'm gonna change
gears a little bit.
You're friends
with Jaynie Hansen.
Have you spoken to her
since her father
was released from prison?
Um...
I don't think I'm supposed
to talk about that.
Erin, let's wrap this up.
I have to go now.
I'm telling you there's
something off, Lee.
These people aren't
as clueless as you think.
They've got
good bullshit detectors.
Now if--
make that when they find out
what we're up to,
there's gonna be
hell to pay.
Hey, Ted.
- What?
When Blanca gets here,
you might not wanna act
like such a limp dick
little douche.
She'll walk all over you.
Ted just couldn't
handle her, you know?
He was just
a little--a little wimpy,
and Lee let him have it,
so he had to go.
Ugh.
Yes, I fired Ted,
if that's what
you want to know.
I told him he could
finish out the week.
It gave me a few days
to find his replacement.
This is Margo Moorehead
reporting live
outside the Culver City
Courthouse,
where it looks like
even more bad news
for Blanca Champion.
On the heels of her
well-publicized
bout with exhaustion
come allegations
of assault and battery
from John Jordan,
a production assistant
on the set of hew new movie
Hush Hush.
As expected,
Jordan filed suit today
against Champion
and Affiliated Studios.
Allegedly Champion found
the green tea latte
delivered to her trailer
by Jordan not to her liking.
That's when sources say
Champion proceeded
to hurl the scolding hot
drink at Jordan
causing second degree burns
from his torso,
well, down to his
more delicate regions.
In a statement released
this morning,
Champion swears the beverage
was only lukewarm,
which is indeed why she
threw it at him
in the first place.
This is Margo
reporting live--
Hey.
Wait, John, where exactly
were you burned?
Can you show us again?
- John, just one question.
I, uh, I was
starting to think
that I'd never work again.
Oh, stop it, stop it.
Come on.
All right, I'm excited.
Tell me about this job.
I'm serious, okay,
it's a great concept
for a reality show.
Now picture this.
A small border town.
The high school hockey team
on a 100-year losing streak
winds up with a star forward
for the first time
in the school's history,
and they got a shot
at the State Championship.
Production's running
a little bit behind.
They need
a solid director,
and I told them
you're the guy.
Underdog sports team.
Kid makes good.
I like it.
I knew it, I knew it!
Now get this.
The team's called
the Gold Diggers.
They're from this
tiny little town
called White Plains
in North Dakota.
They're gonna--
North Dakota?
Oh, wow.
Uh, border town kind of
makes it sound like Mexico.
Uh, I don't know, Seaton.
I'm from San Diego.
I think I might freeze
my ass off.
Two words, Jake--
global warming.
My assistant
looked it up online.
It's like Cabo
up there right now.
Ohh.
When did you say
your condo payment was due?
Okay, look, I know
back on the ranch
getting cancelled
like that as tough on you.
I know, I get it, okay?
Now get over it.
This will boost
your confidence.
And besides, the network
would really consider
this one a favor.
And actually,
there's one more thing.
What?
Blanca Champion is
gonna be up there with you.
Blanca Champion?
You're joking, right?
I never joke
when there's a commission
involved, Jake.
Her next movie is with
the network's film division,
and she's playing
a reality television director
who uncovers some
major political scandal.
I haven't
read the script yet.
She wants to do
the whole method thing.
You know, be taken
seriously as an actress.
And since you and Blanca
work so well together,
the network thought
that she could observe you.
Work well together?
Seaton, I was
her production assistant
on her first movie.
I was
a glorified babysitter.
I doubt
she even remembers me.
Well, she guess what?
Now only does
she remember you,
she loves, loves,
loves the idea.
She said this time around
she could be your P.A.
Besides, with all
the bad publicity
she's been getting lately,
she could use
a little babysitting.
Seaton, let me
get this straight.
You want me to go
to a remote town
in a red state
that borders Canada
with Blanca Champion
pretending
to fetch people coffee?
Wait, Seaton,
that's ridiculous.
I'm not that broke.
And to be honest with you,
life is too short.
And how's it even possible?
You know what it's like
going out in public with her.
She draws crowds
like the Beatles.
No, no, no.
That's the beauty, Jake.
The townspeople have signed
non-disclosure agreements.
You and Blanca are gonna be
in the middle of nowhere.
Only studio publicity
knows about it.
And by the time the world
press gets wind of it,
your show will be wrapped.
And best of all,
they're gonna pay your rate.
Yeah, huh!
Yeah, you're welcome.
And besides,
getting out of town
might help you
get over the break-up too.
Thanks for going
there, Seaton.
Oh, come on, Jake.
If my fiancee left me for some
dip-shit kid from survivor,
I'd jump at the chance
to get out of town.
Can I bring my dog?
Yeah, I thought this would
be a great thing for Jake.
You know,
when your personal life
starts going to hell,
work really is
the best antidote.
My name is Nik,
and I am a P.A.
on the show, uh,
Digger Fever.
White Plains
is the kind of city
that people in Middle America
make fun of.
I know that there's
little kids operating machinery.
Uh, like, five-year-olds.
This is--this is
a really small town.
You know, there's--
it's--it's bizarre,
and, um,
that's just
the way they live.
They catch their food.
They hunt it,
they cook it, they eat it.
You've gotta
hand it to coach Ty Carhartt
for breaking this team's
long-running losing streak,
and turning this team
into real contenders for State.
All right, well,
that's all of it, Jaynie.
You better get home,
or your mom's
gonna kill me.
And remember--
I know, I know.
Vance wasn't here.
Right.
Thanks.
Bye, Vance.
Great game tonight.
Bye, kidlet.
Well, I'm gonna go up
and try tweaking the dish.
I'll see if we can
get some reception.
Um, babe,
I know it's weird,
but are you sure
you're okay?
I mean, with his
release and everything?
I'm okay.
Some dads give interviews
to Fox Sports,
and some give them
to parole boards.
If the way that crew guy
checked you out today
is any indicator,
when the show hits the air,
you're gonna be
the next Blanca Champion, baby.
Vance.
She's skanky,
and blonde, and rich.
We have nothing
in common.
Whoa.
Not true.
You both have
smokin' hot little booties.
Is that the only reason you date me?
- Yes.
And the fact it really
pisses off my dad.
Come on.
We have to close up.
Then I can focus
all my attention on you.
Go fix the dish while I turn
out the lights on the trails.
Okay, Roger that.
I can get the lights too.
Just finish up in here.
Really.
- I'll do it. I'll do it.
I'll do it.
It'll take two minutes.
Hurry, please.
Couldn't wait, huh?
Very funny, Vance.
Come on, you know
I hate this shit.
Vance?
Come on, Vance.
Oh.
The way that girl died
is just--I don't know,
in any other town,
it would--
it would raise
a red flag.
And everybody here is just
kind of going about
their day-to-day business.
Nobody's thinking about it
like it's a big deal.
What do I think about the amount
of accidents in this town?
Um, I think it's a shame to
happen to all the pretty people.
I'm just kidding, that's--
that's not even funny.
That's inappropriate, sorry.
# I'm dangerous #
# dangerous # #
There you go, buddy.
How you doin', buddy?
I missed you.
Yeah, I missed you.
Hey, you must be Jake.
I'm Greg,
the production's U.P.M.
Hey, man.
Nice to meet you.
How was your flight?
Uh, it was good.
It was
a little windy.
Always like that
around here?
Pretty much.
Welcome to the north woods.
You ready to go?
Yeah.
It's about a six-hour
drive to White Plains from here.
I was surprised there was no
other crew on the plane with me.
Most of the crew arrived
the Monday before last.
It's been pretty intense here
with all that's happened.
Why, what's happened?
One of the local girls
just got killed
in an ATV accident.
Townfolk pretty much
freaked out
when Ted,
our first director,
tried to get exclusive
with them about it.
Wait.
Ted, your first director?
So I'm--
I'm replacing him?
Dude, those agent types
aren't too big
on full disclosure,
are they?
I generally tell my clients
what they need to know.
And Jake needed a job,
and, um--and he got it.
Shit.
Hello?
Is there somebody
down there?
We're taking a poll this morning
on Good Morning White Plains,
with Bob Hansen.
Hey, dude.
You're up.
Hey, man.
Jake, this intersection's
a good landmark.
It's exactly 39 Miles
from your cabin.
The Mini-mart
on the right's
where we do most
of our shopping.
Is this the place?
Yeah, almost.
It's about another
mile and a half down this road.
They're summer homes, mostly.
We tried to find
three together,
but no such luck.
Well, the second door
on the right's
your bedroom.
You're sharing
this place with Lee,
our executive producer.
Did you--did you
just see that?
I think I just
saw a guy
Standing out there
with a mask.
Dude, you've been up what,
like, 20 hours?
We're in the boonies, bro.
Oh, by the way.
Lee wants to meet you
in an hour at the local diner
for a production meeting.
Uh, okay.
Um, so it's just
me and Lee here?
Is he here
right now?
Yeah, uh, she,
and no.
She's actually sleeping at one
of the other crew cabins,
but we're not supposed
to know about that.
We could talk
about that later.
Got map and directions.
And keys.
Peace out, brother.
Bongo, what did I just
get us into?
I--I can't.
You're gonna have
to speak up.
I can't hear you.
Hello?
Sit.
Oh, piece of crap.
You must be Jake.
I'm Phoebe, Lee's assistant.
We're totally
excited you're here.
Jake, I'm Lee Tyson,
the show's producer.
Thank you
for getting here so quick.
Yeah, no problem.
Hey, it's too bad your
last show got canceled.
But their loss is our gain.
Am I right?
And you get
your very own
celebrity P.A.
Blanca Champion, ooh--
God bless her.
She has got
some beautiful tits.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
No, I'm sure she'll be, um,
flattered you think so.
Hey, Phoebe,
do me a favor.
Will you go call
the equipment house,
see where the rest
of our stuff is?
Sure, I'll be
right back.
Okay, look.
Here's the deal.
These people think
that we are here
to shoot a reality show
about their loser
hockey team making good.
But some girl kills herself
joyriding at night,
probably drunk
on moonshine or something.
Hey, hi.
More coffee, maybe?
Someday?
Closest Starbucks
is, like, 80 miles away.
I don't get it.
It's ridiculous.
Thank you!
Anyway,
Everyone is all bent
out of shape about this,
Except coach Carhartt,
who only cares
About winning
the championship.
Now, did I mention
the ex-coach, Hansen,
He's a flippin' loon
who just got out of prison
For accidentally killing
his wife ten years ago.
Carhartt's son
was banging Hansen's daughter.
Hansen's daughter
ends up dead.
It's fucking gold.
Wow, yeah,
um, that's--
that's a lot
of information.
Uh, you know, Lee,
I kind of, uh, liked
the whole underdog
hockey team angle.
I'm not really such a fan
of messing with people's heads.
And I am telling you
that I want you to go
to that high school
and shoot me a fucking show
about these crazy coaches
and their
beer-guzzling buddies.
Got it?
Um, I take my job
pretty seriously,
and i try to do good work
no matter what the show.
But talk to me
like that again,
and you can book me
on the next flight home.
Sorry it took so long,
it's totally freezing
out there and whatnot.
There's still
no cell reception.
I'll keep trying
the equipment house.
Oh, here.
Thank you.
Can I help you?
What?
The townspeople
are all up in my grill,
because I've got my crew
asking questions
that aren't just
about hockey.
I mean,
give me a break.
Do these people even own
a fucking television?
It's not like
the show's
for the fucking
nature channel people.
Seaton Brookstone's office.
Hello? Hey.
Shannon, hey, it's Jake.
Is Seaton in?
Hi, Jake.
I'm having a bad time
hearing you.
It's not
a good connection.
I don't have Seaton right now;
he's in a meeting.
Yeah, I'm sure he is.
Listen, Shannon, I--
This is the first time
I've had any bars
on my phone
since I landed.
Something--
something's off here,
and i really need
to talk to him
before I go in
and start this thing up.
Can you have him
call me please?
Hello?
Hello?
Shit.
Oh, over here?
Clients love, love, love
to bitch about problems
on locations.
You know,
"my wardrobe sucks."
You know,
"my trailer's not big enough."
You know, I--I--"they're housing
me in the woods."
I try not
to take those calls.
By the time I return,
they've usually worked
it out for themselves.
I can't believe
she's coming here.
She has such
beautiful hair.
You're talking
like a loser, Erin.
Having these people here
is just all wrong.
Are we clear?
Yes, ma'am.
My girls should not be
looking up to her.
They should be
looking up to me.
Blanca Champion is coming
to White Plains
to do research
for a movie role.
She's playing
a reality TV director
who uncovers
some big political scandal.
You know,
I don't even want to tell you
what I saw
down in that boiler room.
Doesn't that sound
like a great movie?
I mean, this really is
an exciting business.
# I wasn't born #
# I wasn't born #
# I wasn't born to suffer #
# I wasn't born #
# I wasn't born #
# I wasn't born to suffer # #
I think we're crew?
Excuse me?
I'm Keir,
your camera assistant.
Or at least
I think so.
'Cause no one spends
that much money
on sunglasses
around here.
So I figured
you're Jake, right?
Uh, I--I am.
Um, and I got these for free
off my last show.
I was, um--I was worried
they were a bit
too fancy for me.
No, you pull 'em off well.
Finally, a friendly face.
Hey,
can I talk you into maybe
showing me around this place?
So, did you meet Lee?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she's quite a lady.
And I use
the term loosely.
Before we go in--
I don't mean
to cross any lines,
but can I
show you something?
Yeah, sure.
I'm dying
to google these people.
I don't know
if you've tried yet,
but it's impossible
to get on the internet up here.
I've tried the dial-up,
like, 30 times,
only to get knocked off
after 10 seconds.
This is
the girl that died.
Jaynie, right?
Yeah.
This girl's death
was just so violent.
So you started checking
into the town's history?
Hoping to find what?
I don't know.
But let's just say
for a town this small,
this place has had its share
of death and drama.
Left behind are Ty Carhartt
and his two-year-old son Vance,
the surviving twin.
Father and son
where in Whiskey River
Picking up supplies
when the accident happened.
This is Carhartt,
the hockey coach?
Yep.
I mean, this is
an awful story.
All of it.
But I don't really get
what it has to do
with this ATV accident.
That's just it.
I don't think
this was an accident.
You two
have to leave.
Now.
Gold Diggers go!
Gold Diggers go!
I told you,
bucket tosses.
Vance, you need
to focus!
Carhartt, the hockey coach?
Yep.
We're not gonna
beat Eagle Ridge
unless you show
some hustle, boy.
Maybe we ought to take
this practice outside.
Run a few laps.
Then you'll play like men
instead of wussies.
I don't want to accuse
Vance's dad
of having anything to do
with these killings,
But I--I have
a weird inkling that there--
there's some connection there,
because it's just bizarre
the way he treats his son.
And he creeps me out
in a way.
Vance, come on, come on.
Move it, move it.
He is so hard on
his son. It's relentless.
He makes him call him "coach,"
instead of "dad."
Come on, coach.
Focus!
Kid's not getting much
of a morning period, huh?
Is that Luke?
Luke!
Jake!
I didn't know
you were on this show, man.
Thank God you're here.
These people
are a bunch of freaks.
We did a show called,
uh, Your Town over in Miami
a few years ago.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, so, uh,
What are you doing on this show?
I thought you were big time.
What, come on, man.
Anywhere you are
is the big time, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, so, uh,
how's Stacy doing?
Uh, you know, let's, uh--
let's not even go there.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's all right.
How's the rest
of your crew?
Dude, let me put it
to you this way:
Our sound guy's a local hire
who lives in his car.
We should get going,
because Lee's
gonna get here.
And that woman,
we do not want to piss off.
All right man. Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
Yeah, see you in a bit.
What the hell?
There he is.
How you doin', man?
All right.
Jake.
Looks like you
already met Keir.
This is Daphne,
our story producer.
And this is Mike,
your sound guy.
Hey, man, have we
worked together before?
What?
Hi, Jake.
Hi.
I know it's tres geeky
to say,
but I love your work.
I'm so excited
you're on this project.
Back On The Ranch
is my favorite show.
Was.
Is.
I blogged my brains out on
the fan site to bring it back.
Uh, well, thank you.
I'm glad you liked it.
I did too.
All right, the only one
we're missing is Nik, our P.A.,
But he went to Winnipeg
to pick up Blanca.
She's arriving
by helicopter.
Isn't that cool?
Yeah, that's very cool.
Look, I was
the first one here.
So if you want
the back story on anyone,
cast or crew,
come to me.
Hi, Daphne!
Is she here yet?
Almost.
That's Erin,
the head cheerleader.
She's very excited
to meet Blanca.
Hey, excuse me
for a second, Daphne.
Um, Luke, can we, uh,
go ahead and set up
for an interview?
I want to talk
to that kid Vance.
Daphne, can you, um,
sit in?
We gotta get a frame
for these confessionals.
No problem.
Good.
Right here.
Good.
I wonder
where Miss Falls is.
She's kind of a tyrant
with the girls before games.
Daphne?
Best moment
of this season?
Um--
Okay, yeah,
I guess it was, um,
looking at the sidelines
when we beat Riverdale,
and, uh,
seeing Jaynie.
You know, she was just
hootin' and hollerin'.
You know, and--
Whatever happened
to Jaynie out there
wasn't an accident, okay?
And...
I want people
to know.
Someone--
some monster
did that to her.
I don't know who.
But, um, I'm gonna
find 'em.
I gotta go.
Hey.
What would you say if I told you
I saw someone watching me
from the woods
this morning, in a mask?
I'd say
you sounded paranoid,
and, uh, I am buying you a stiff
drink tonight, my friend.
Blanca--
Blanca--
Blanca Champion, wow.
Oh, I'm really excited
to meet Blanca Champion.
I'd say we have
a pretty unique connection.
I mean, how many guys
can say that they've
carried all 28 pieces
of her luggage?
She's, uh--
she's very, uh--
I don't know
how to say this.
I held her hand.
Well, I blocked her hand.
Yeah, she was--
she was trying to hit me.
I--it was my fault.
I made a mistake.
But yeah, I mean,
we're pretty close.
I'd say "high maintenance,"
in a really good way.
She's charming, she's funny,
she works the room.
You know, she's the master
at the grand entrance.
I can't even begin
to believe this.
# you spin around #
# around yeah yeah #
# around around #
# around around around #
# love's a boomerang #
# it's a boomerang #
# yeah love's a boomerang #
# a boom boom boomerang #
# a boomerang #
# yeah it's a boomerang #
# love's a boomerang #
# a boom boom boomerang # #
Okay, I--I'll be right back.
Okay.
Hi, Blanca.
Hi, Scooby!
Hi.
Hi.
Um,
What the hell
are you wearing?
I was told
to dress sexy.
By who?
Seaton?
You look like Punky Brewster
with hypothermia.
It's being handled,
right, sweetheart?
Handled.
Miss Champion,
I am so excited to meet you.
I--I--
I am your biggest fan.
Um, you are
a personal hero to me.
Do you think
you can sign this, please?
Sure, sweetie.
Um, I know it's
none of my business,
but you two
were so close.
Uh, why were
you fighting?
Because she's a cunt.
Okay.
Uh, excuse us
for a second.
We're just gonna--
I'm a big fan too.
Yeah?
- Yeah.
Have a little, uh,
talk, shall we?
Okay!
- Easy, Scooby.
You're turning me on.
Yeah, please
don't call me Scooby.
Okay, okay, okay.
Hey, buddy.
Um, would you mind
excusing us for a second?
Hey, sexy.
I like the way
those shorts
cup your little ass.
It's delicious.
Blanca.
Do you
even remember me?
I'm sorry, are we
in the boys locker room?
It stinks in here.
Bleh!
Yeah, no, I know this isn't,
uh, exactly ideal,
but i hear if we make it
through the next few weeks
on our best behavior,
we're gonna score
big bonus points
with the studio.
Ooh, what's
best behavior?
Well, it's probably, uh,
not using the "c" word
In front
of small-town cheerleaders.
Oh, God.
They're dealing with some
heavy shit around here.
A local girl recently
got killed in an accident,
so the people
are pretty shook up.
All right, whatever.
Okay, you know what?
I get it.
Don't worry, Jake.
I remember how nice
you used to be to me.
People don't really
tell me how it is these days.
And I'm serious about
this movie research stuff, okay?
I'm sick of playing
dopey teenagers.
I have to nail this.
We're cool.
All right.
Oh, hey, and, um,
it's kind of--
kind of cold in here.
So you may want to rethink
the whole mini-skirt thing.
Fuck off.
- Okay, nice. Very nice.
Jaynie Hansen's death, um--
You know, where I'm from,
you get a cut, a scrape,
A broken leg
is considered an accident.
What happened to her,
I don't think that
was an accident.
Jaynie's dad has always
scared the hell out of me,
to be honest.
# everybody loves you that way #
# everybody loves you that way #
Where are we even
going, anyways?
And I can't believe
this is the crew Van.
So lame.
It's the only
thing we'd all fit in.
Besides,
it's a low-budget show.
The school let us
use this for free.
Look, guys, if this is what
the kids were talking about,
then this is the story
to follow.
Everyone we've talked to
has brought up this Hansen guy.
Jake's right.
I mean this town's more
interested in this girl's death
than anything else.
Does anyone know
how long
this guy's been
out of prison?
Less than a month.
It's a big deal around here.
I saw a picture of Hansen's
dead wife at the school.
Very pretty.
Oh, lucky us.
A predator round-up.
Is that what they do for fun
here in cat piss,
North Dakota?
Hey, do I need
to remind you
that I'm on
a 10-hour schedule,
and I don't do overtime?
Okay.
Thanks, Mike.
Nice watch,
by the way.
Hey, dude, why don't you
sell that thing
so you don't have
to live in your trailer?
I like living in my camper.
Is that okay with you?
Whatever, loser.
Nik, do you have any idea
where this cabin is?
Erin said we can't miss it.
Should be just
off the lake.
# everybody loves you that way #
# everybody loves you
that way # #
Hansen was
supposedly devastated,
but Carhartt testified
that he saw Hansen
and his wife
fighting in the school parking
lot hours before her death.
That got him sent away,
and left
the coaching job open,
which went to Carhartt.
Hansen's lawyer found
some evidence
that got him released
on an appeal.
But, as you can imagine,
after ten years
in a North Dakota jail,
still pretty angry.
Hello?
Coach Hansen?
Ooh, I guess the pretty wife
kind of settled.
Hi, um,
my name's Jake Tanner.
And, um, we're in town
shooting a show--
I know
what you're up to.
Wash my thoroughly
from my inequity
and cleanse me from my sin.
Against thee, the only,
have I sinned and done
that which is evil
in thy sight.
This guy is fucking
scary as shit.
I'm just gonna
put this microphone on you
right here, okay?
Get the hell out of here.
I didn't invite you here.
This is private property.
I said get the hell out!
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Sorry.
All of you.
We didn't mean
to bother you.
We don't want
any trouble.
What about
my microphone?
I'm billing production.
That reality TV crew
should have been
following me around,
you know?
While they were
out talking
to Jaynie Hansen's
crazy dad,
I was finding
the cheerleading coach's body
all mangled
in the wood shop.
Now that would have made for
some great television, you know?
I took some footage
with my camera phone
if you guys
want to buy it though.
I don't give a fuck
who she is, her agent--
Wait a minute, that asshole
is your agent too, isn't he?
Yeah, well,
he made me pay her as a P.A.
while she does
her research.
So guess
what that means?
She needs to work
like a fucking P.A.,
so this is how it's going
to go.
As long as she
is on my payroll--
remember this--
will do.
I wanna know
when she naps
where she naps,
and how long she naps.
You're gonna write it down
and deduct it from her paycheck.
Got it?
Lee, why don't you
give her a break?
She traveled all night.
That's just great, Jake.
What do you want to do,
give her a fucking bottle,
and change
her diapers too?
Blanca Champion...
All you can think
to yourself is
"why can't this girl
just get her hands
on some decent conditioner?"
Just wash it.
I don't get it.
Can you explain it?
I didn't really know
what to expect,
uh, with Lee.
She's--she's--
she's a bitch.
She's a super-bitch,
actually.
Um, we're all trying
to kind of deal with her,
because she's our boss.
But, um, yeah,
there's no other word for Lee.
Lee doesn't really
get along with anyone
who isn't Lee.
Mister?
Hey, what's up, buddy?
I heard what Vance
said to you before.
He's right.
Mike, I think--
I think we're good.
Just doing my job, man.
It wasn't an accident.
Okay, I'm listening.
Jaynie used to take me
cross-country skiing there
all the time.
She knew that place.
I heard something
when I was leaving that night.
But I didn't
do nothing.
You know
what I think?
I think you're
one brave little guy
For telling me that.
I'm gonna do
some asking around.
Cool?
- Cool.
Come on.
You know, if--
uh, you know--
if you--if you
wanna nap in--
uh, the bed
in my camper is, uh--
it's a lot more comfortable
than in here.
I'm fine here, fuck face,
but thanks.
Lee.
You home?
Ah, hey, buddy.
What are you doing?
Yeah, you wanna
go outside, don't you?
All right.
All right, come on.
Come on, bongo.
Holy shit.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You scared the hell out of me.
Don't go digging up shit
you don't know nothin' about.
I'm sorry, what?
- You heard me.
It's a small town.
We all talk to each other.
I don't care to hear
none of the shit
coach Hansen is spinnin'.
He's an ex-con.
And a murderer.
Are we clear?
Yeah.
We're clear.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, wow, uh--
Jesus, sorry.
Nice timing, douche bag.
Um, we were just gonna go
get a beer and whatnot.
You should totally come.
Okay.
You're so bad.
I have that extra sense,
you know?
Like, I can smell blood
a mile away.
I knew something
was rotten in Bismarck.
Sheriff says she was in there
for hours before I found her.
Has anyone
told her husband?
Ah, he's down state
on a timber run.
I tried him on the CB,
but no luck.
Who you guys
talking about?
There was a--
an accident up at the school.
Miss Falls,
the cheerleading coach.
It was her, uh,
digger spirit
that finally did her in.
She's dead.
Decapitated.
Heart beatless.
I get it.
That's awful.
How often do these
accidents happen?
Now, what's that
supposed to mean?
A wood shop
is a very dangerous place.
These kind of things
just happen every so often.
It's a part of life.
Look, uh,
what do you say
we cut out of here?
Let's go
for a midnight swim.
I'd say "hell yeah."
I'll get our coats.
No good can
come of you staying here.
You have brought evil
to our town.
The likes of which
we've never seen.
Mark my words
and leave now.
Consider yourselves warned.
All of you.
Hey!
Hey, hey,
hey, hey.
Come on, man.
Jesus.
Guess it's safe to say they
don't like us being here.
No, I don't think
they do.
No, no, no, don't any of you
listen to that crackpot.
He's a drunk.
He's jealous 'cause he wants
to be on TV.
He'll get over it.
You think so?
- Yes.
We just need to get our show
in the can and move on.
Now, wrap it up,
we got an early morning call.
I guess now isn't
a good time to mention
they found Miss Fall's body
at the school?
There was another accident.
You know what,
all this fucking town has
is screechy old men
with crusty mitts,
and perverts.
Let's get
the hell out of here.
Crazy shit, dude.
Man, I've done a lot of shows
where they picketed us,
like Your Town: Seattle.
They didn't want us there.
But this--this place, man--
you'd think they don't
even want an economy.
I mean, they just want to,
you know, sit around,
and, you know,
eat elk.
And the ex-coach,
he looks like the villain
from the Scooby-Doo cartoons.
Weird.
Honestly,
what I'd like to know
is where the fuck
my crew was
when that chalupa
was finding her body
in the wood shop.
Probably asking some
little kid
about the thrill
of victory.
I don't know
how often out here
women using heavy industrial
equipment have accidents.
So I don't know
if that's normal or not.
But in my book, uh,
that's three shades of weird.
Did you hear this?
Blanca Champion has gotten
herself into trouble--
For the last time, I don't know
where the damn
camera stuff is.
It never arrived.
Oh, will you just zip your pie hole?
I can't call the network
and tell them that
$30,000 worth
of equipment is M.I.A.
It is not okay
to talk to me like that.
I did not sign on
for this totally deceptive job
and whatnot.
And why can't you just give the
network the show they ordered?
It's a totally better show.
Because no one wants
to watch a show
about some wittle
hockey team.
They'd much rather
watch a show
about a bloodthirsty convict
out for revenge.
That is why.
Can I ask you something?
- What?
Did you seduce me
because you thought
it would keep me quiet?
Because that was
a total miscalculation.
Well, I think that
you're gonna keep quiet.
You know why?
If you don't,
I will cancel
your plane ticket home.
I will drive you out
into the woods,
and I will
leave you there.
You wouldn't
do that to me.
You can try me.
Now we can continue
to play nice or not.
The choice
is yours, Phoebe.
You're a real coose.
And an awful boss.
As long as these guys
play digger hockey,
and keep focused
on the game,
there's not gonna be
any stopping them.
Look, I only got two hours
before the next game.
I got things to do.
Come on.
Hey, is the, uh--
is the coach mic'd?
I'm having trouble
hearing him.
No, he's not mic'd.
We left his out at the crazy
guy's shack, remember?
Well, we gotta have
this guy mic'd
before the playoff games.
Well then I suggest
you send somebody
out there
to get it.
Okay.
I'm sending you.
- Yeah, I could do that.
Except is there
anybody else here that, uh,
Can wire a P.A. system?
Anybody else here
that can run play-by-play?
It'll take me
about an hour and a half.
So that's a perfect
amount of time
for you to go
do it yourself.
Okay.
Go rig your P.A.
But, hey,
do me a favor?
Um, let's cut out
this whole smug asshole thing.
'Cause it's really
working my last nerve, okay?
Okay.
Sorry, boss.
Mother fucker.
Nik.
A production assistant
on a show like this, um--
you're basically like
bus boy's assistant.
Well, does this suck ass?
Mm-hmm!
Am I getting paid
nearly enough to do it?
No fucking way.
Hmm.
Coach?
Hey, um--
I'm really sorry
to bother you,
but, uh, we need to get
that microphone back
from earlier today.
I thought...
you might have
it in there.
Hello?
Don't be a puss.
Look, uh, coach,
I just
really wanted
to apologize,
uh, about earlier today.
Oh, shit!
What the fuck?
What the fuck is--
Blanca's hitting
on all the cute little boys,
uh, in the school,
and taking them away
from the little
cheerleader girls.
These days,
it doesn't seem
that Erin cares
for Blanca too much.
Uh, I believe
she called her a--
A "cocaine-fueled
gutter slut."
Also, she needs
to stop telling people
that I'm overweight.
I thought someone
had mistakenly told her
that my name was Ella.
Turns out,
she's doing it on purpose.
"Ella" is short
for elephant.
Tonight's student
council screening of Buckets,
starring Blanca Champion,
has been canceled
until further notice.
I need
to talk to you.
Excuse me!
Get your hands
off me, chunk!
I weigh 110 pounds.
That's not fat.
I have tried to be as nice
as I know how.
That's over.
I'm giving you
this warning:
stay away from Vance,
or I'm going to get my cousins
to go to your cabin,
and have them hog tie you
and weigh you.
Capiche?
You know what?
Screw this!
I don't need this bullshit.
This fucking
method acting crap.
Listen up,
you little pissher,
I don't give a shit
if you're losing me.
This is important.
It is the first time
that I've had reception
since I've been out here.
You tell Seaton
if he still wants me
as a client,
he will get me
on the next god damn plane
out of here, okay?
Do you hear me?
Hello?
Can you hear me now?
Fuckity-fuck fuck fuck!
Thanks a lot, man.
All right, no problem.
All right, when's desperate
the sound elf coming back?
I feel like an idiot.
Blanca.
All right, we got
five minutes until game time.
Is Nik back
with that microphone?
He's not, and if--
there's no way to reach him.
And Lee said if he doesn't
get here in five,
he's fired.
Whoa, that's
a little harsh, huh?
And where's Mike?
Mike!
I'm right here.
The P.A. system is rigged.
All right, good.
Let's get ready
to shoot.
# wrap me up in velvet #
# velvet baby #
# I wanna live forever # #
Vance's game this season
has been nothing
short of a phenomenon.
Shot.
Goal!
The state championship
is just a bus ride away
for the Gold Diggers.
Any sign of Nik?
- Nope.
God, that's so weird.
Oh, hey, coach.
Great game tonight.
Hey, listen.
Can I ask you a favor?
Favors aren't really
my specialty.
That's funny.
Hey, look, I--I noticed
you had a treadmill
upstairs in the gym.
Would you mind if I grabbed
a quick workout?
You know,
I like your dedication, boy.
More people should make
fitness a priority.
We're clearing out, so...
just make sure to lock
the doors when you leave.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, hey, excuse me,
coach stick-up-your-ass,
do you think that I might
massage your penis
for a few minutes so that
I too might get a workout?
Is it hard being
such a douchebag all the time?
Uh, no.
No, I actually
kind of like it.
Loser.
Luke for Daphne.
Go ahead, Luke.
Was the Tahoe ever
supposed to be used
as a cast car?
Not that I know of.
Phoebe handled
all the rentals, why?
It's just I found
a lipstick camera
rigged in the back seat,
and I didn't put any
lipstick cameras
on the equipment order.
And this is
the second one I've found.
I didn't know this show had
that kind of surveillance.
I didn't think so either.
I'll ask.
Copy that.
Hello?
I'm still up here!
Oh, what the hell, man?
Hello?
Whoa.
What the fuck?
Who are you, man?
Ow!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, fuck!
Oh!
Cops here are actually
pretty laid back
about actually, um,
working.
The cops in White Plains
aren't like
the cops you see
in the movies.
I mean, they like
doughnuts and all,
but they're not really
into, like,
answering the phone
or investigating.
Try the local bar.
It seems to be
their headquarters.
Big time Hollywood ho.
Have a lovely day.
What'd she say?
Hey, I meant to ask,
did you guys
pre-rig the cars with cameras
before we got up here?
Can we please not talk
about work for a second?
I need a break from this show
and this town.
And, um, mm,
more liquor.
Hey, any sign
of Greg or Nik?
Nope, I thought
they'd be here already.
Yeah?
Hello?
Hey, sugarpuss!
Hi, see me standing here
with moolah in my hand?
No?
Yes?
Hi!
Hello, how are you?
Any of you lovely ladies
want a shot of tequila?
Mm, I'd like a shot.
That a girl.
Looks like Miss Champion
found herself
another victim.
Okay, to the super-star
hockey player.
Well, to the super-hot
actress/model.
Okay, I've been called worse.
But, whatever.
Mm.
So, um,
I heard you were kind of close
to that girl that died.
Sorry, the cheerleaders
were talking,
and the microphone
picks everything up.
Which is something
I need to remember
next time I bag
on the crew.
Yeah, I guess, um--
I guess you can say
this went from being
the best year of my life
to the worst in,
you know, a blink.
I'm really sorry.
You know,
it gets better.
My dad died
when I was 14,
and i thought I would
never get over it.
I mean, it doesn't
go away,
but it gets easier.
Promise?
Yeah.
Isn't he
a little young for her?
Is it still illegal
if it's a boy?
I heard she slept
with that P.A. who sued her.
And then
she got tired of him,
treated him like garbage,
until finally,
he had enough.
See, that's how
rumors get started.
What, you saying
it's not true?
Well, I think the press
likes to paint Blanca
as the bad girl.
And I think sometimes
she feels obligated
to live up
to those expectations.
Oh, Phoebe,
you've gone from zero
to Tara Reid in 60 seconds.
Let's just say
this show's all about
firsts and lasts,
and whatnot.
I hate to be a buzz kill,
but, uh,
I'm calling it a night.
All right,
do me a favor,
and just be careful, please.
Okay.
I--I love--
love being on location, but--
well, here's the thing:
I like to smoke
a lot of chuddies,
and, uh,
that can make one
a little bit paranoid.
So, uh,
the place is kind of
creeping me out, man.
I'm ready for it
to be over.
This town gives me
the swingin' icks.
Hello?
I'm so glad I got through.
Oh, my God,
I can't even begin
to believe this.
I haven't had reception
for days.
It's so good
to hear your voice.
Finally, I've been
trying forever.
I was starting
to get worried.
How's it going?
Uh, I need a margarita
and a Palm Springs weekend
like you wouldn't believe.
Kathy?
Oh, damn it.
# to be the hero #
# but I know what it's like #
# to be loved by you #
Greg, are you okay?
You been out here long?
Freeze to death.
Greg?
You stoned again?
Oh, my God!
No, no!
No, I promise!
I promise I won't tell!
Please, please,
please, please!
No, no, no!
I won't--please!
Oh, my God!
Please, please, please!
What do you mean,
she didn't come home?
She wasn't in her bed
when I woke up.
I thought maybe
she got lucky.
With who, Blanca?
We watched
her leave alone.
I can't believe
you didn't wake me up
when you saw that.
You know what, I thought
maybe she hooked up with you.
I caught her checking
my ass out a couple times.
All right, both of you
get off my hump.
I told you as soon
as I got up.
Uh, hey, Jake, coach says you have
to be on the ice
in ten minutes,
or you won't be
allowed on at all.
Sorry.
Where is the rest
of your crew?
You know what, Lee,
I'd like to know
the same thing.
Something's really wrong here.
Luke is never late.
I don't feel so good.
Oh, Phoebe,
pull it together.
Fuck you, Lee.
What again?
Oh, my God.
Jake, you've got about
five minutes to get on that ice.
We don't have a show
without this game.
Well, what do you
want me to do, Lee?
Three quarters of my crew
is missing.
Like I told the last guy,
you're the director,
figure it out.
Sure thing, bitch.
I'm sorry,
what was that?
You know what, Lee?
I called you a bitch.
I'm beginning
to understand why
the first director
only lasted a few days.
Keir, can you mix audio?
I can try.
Okay, Blanca, I'm going to need
you to hold the boom pole.
Oh, my God.
I'm so gonna fucking kill
my acting coach.
You know what?
You do not
talk to me that way
In front
of the crew.
You finish out the day.
After that,
you're fired.
That's fine, Lee.
You know, I've worked with some
really difficult people
in my career, but you
are a whole 'nother breed.
And you know what else?
Nice job sleeping
with your assistant.
It's very classy.
Hey, by the way,
too bad your fiancee
wasn't on the show, Jake.
I could have banged her
before she moved on
to the cast.
You try getting
another job with affiliated.
You're finished.
We need to comb
this school,
and find
that missing stuff.
You can't hide monitors
that size in a suitcase.
You are the one
who will go down for this.
This isn't Bewitched, Lee.
I can't just wiggle my nose,
and make stuff appear
and whatnot.
Just try to keep
an eye on things here,
if you can.
I'm gonna go get
the rest of the crew.
One of those morons
is getting promoted to director.
Go.
Gotcha.
Holy shit.
What the fuck?
Because no one wants
to watch a show
about some wittle
hockey team.
Oh, my God.
Am I being punked?
I thought they
canceled that show.
Ashton!
What the fuck?
Ah!
We just wanna go
on record here
that a bunch
of our crew members
are missing.
Um, and Lee wants us
to shoot anyway.
But as soon
as this is over,
we're gonna go find them.
Tell your camera guy
I didn't appreciate him
leaving the treadmill
and the lights on
all night.
I am shocked
at you people's
disrespect.
No good deed goes unpunished,
huh, Hollywood?
Sorry, coach.
That's not usually like him.
Ah.
The bus leaves
tomorrow morning
at 5:30 A.M.
for Fargo.
It waits for no one.
Vance, come on.
Let's go.
Blanca, help Keir grab
some of this stuff.
Why?
Could you just help us
pack up this stuff, please?
Jeez, bitch.
And they say
I'm difficult.
Phoebe, should we
wait for you?
Oh, I gotta get the releases
for tomorrow's game.
And stop by
the mini mart.
I'll meet you guys back
at the crew cabin, okay?
All right.
Be careful.
Luke? Nick?
Um, you guys?
Hello?
Oh, phone's dead.
- Shocking!
Doesn't look like Luke
slept in his bed last night.
And you're right,
'cause Daphne's bed
hasn't been slept in.
It doesn't make any sense.
Where the hell's her truck?
Oh, my God!
Fucking shit!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Don't touch it!
Is that Mike's watch?
Oh, my God.
What is it holding?
It's the fucking microphone
that we lost at the cabin.
He must have went back
to go get it.
Ew.
Oh, my God,
that fucking sick coach
must have cut his hand off!
We gotta call the cops!
Okay, guys, guys, guys.
Calm down, calm down.
Check your phones.
Do you have any signal?
Keir, check your phone.
Blanca.
Blanca, check your phone.
No signal, nothing.
I have nothing.
What is this?
What is that freaky mask?
Who is this?
Who cares?
Somebody is out there
who thinks it's okay
to chops people's
hands off.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
That's Daphne.
What?
I know that sign.
That's out
by coach Hansen's cabin.
We gotta get out there.
Guys, we gotta go.
She could still
be alive, come on.
Come on!
I can't even begin
to believe this.
Hey, why are we
stopping here?
Okay, listen, I'm gonna go
check out the site.
I need you guys
to stay here,
and try to get in touch
with the cops, okay?
I saw an old CB radio
in the principal's office.
Tell them to meet me
by the predator round-up sign
by Hansen's cabin.
O--okay, so you're just gonna
go hang with the fucking killer?
Look, we gotta get back
on the highway and keep driving.
I hate to break this
to you guys,
But that girl
is probably dead.
And what if
she's not, Blanca?
What if Nik and Luke
and Greg need our help too?
How are we even
gonna get in there?
Here, take these.
They gave them to me.
Jake, I'm going
with you.
Wait, wait, wait, I'm not going
in there by myself.
Well--all right, fine.
You're coming with us, then.
Well, both
of those choices suck.
Well, Blanca,
please pick one.
Ugh!
Fine, fine, I'll--
I'll stay here.
But I'm taking your dog
so you have to come back for me.
We are gonna come back for you.
Just go find that CB radio,
and get us some help.
And hey, hey.
Take this.
Hello?
You guys got any laxatives?
I haven't shit for weeks.
Hello?
Son of a bitch.
If you'd like to make a call,
Please hang up
and try again.
Anyone here?
Coach?
Who's back there?
Is that you, Phoebe?
Is that thing still up there?
That thing in the mask?
Mask?
Are you on drugs?
We've gotta get
out of here.
Run, run!
Just calm down.
- Run!
Just a sec--
Get in the car.
Get in the car,
get in the car!
Get in!
This better not be
some kind of hijinks
for this television show.
There was a guy in there
in a mask with an axe.
And he tried to kill me.
Kill you?
You're talking
like some kind of crazy--
Hello?
Hello, is anybody there?
This is an emergency.
Anyone?
Is anybody there?
This is an emergency.
Anyone?
Bongo.
What are you barking at?
Daphne!
Daphne!
What the fuck is that?
What?
Holy shit.
Okay, let's get out of here.
Ow!
- Fuck!
Keir, we're not gonna
be able to move this thing.
Bongo!
Where are you going?
God!
Bongo!
Look, I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna get help.
I promise I'm gonna get help.
I'll be right back, okay?
I promise you.
Okay, okay.
- I promise I'll be right back, okay?
Okay.
Fuck!
Fuck!
Holy shit!
Blanca?
What are you--
What are you doing down here?
How long have you been
down here for?
I snuck in when
that mean lady came down here.
And then it came in.
What do you mean "it came in."
It who?
He's been watching you
through those cameras.
He's been watching that.
Oh, my God.
You saw him do this to her?
Okay, we're gonna go.
Come on.
I'm gonna get us out of here.
Let's go.
This way's the quickest.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
All right.
We got to go, come on.
Okay, okay.
Come here.
Listen to me.
I want you to stay right here.
I'm going to get
us out of here.
I have to get
these keys.
I promise I'll come
right back, okay?
Shit!
Little boy, come here!
Blanca!
Listen to me,
I'm stuck.
Listen, I need you to run.
Just start running
as fast as you can
until you find somebody
that you trust, okay?
And tell them we need help.
Tell them that--
that Jake and Keir
are at coach Hansen's cabin
and they need help.
I promise I will find you.
Just go.
Go!
Blanca?
Blanca?
Who the fuck are you?
Oh, my God.
Holy shit.
Oh, my God.
Okay, okay.
Get off of me!
Who are you?
Oh, my God.
oh, my God. It's you.
Look, I can explain.
And--and--and--
stop, stop, stop!
If you'd just listen to me.
If you'll just listen to me.
You'll love me
as much as I love you.
Don't you realize that
I've done this all for us?
For you?
If those other people
would have found out,
they would have stopped it.
I'm the only one
that really cares about you.
Did you care about
the people in the video?
They were gonna tell.
That girl
and her cheerleading coach.
They found my room.
You can understand, right?
I already started.
I couldn't stop.
Get your fucking hands
off her.
I went through
a bunch of trouble
to make this
fucking show for you.
You're gonna watch it with me.
I've already seen it.
It's a piece of shit!
You said you wanted
the opportunity
to be taken seriously
as an actress.
And I gave you
that opportunity.
Because, believe me,
people are gonna
take you seriously now,
because you should see your face.
You look really fucking scared.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Hey.
Hey.
How you feeling?
Oh, this has pretty much
been the worst job
I've ever had.
How's your leg?
Uh, it hurts.
But, uh,
I'll be fine.
Vance and Connor found me.
Got Blanca to thank for that.
How is she holding up?
Uh, as well as could be expected.
God, imagine what the press
is gonna do with this thing?
And what about Mike?
Mike's description matches
the police report
of a recently escaped
mental patient.
So who knows what to believe?
Is it worth it?
What?
Being so famous?
I'll get back to you
on that one.
Authorities say
a grisly series
of murders took place
all in an effort to impress
hollywood starlet
Blanca Champion.
Champion's involvement with,
of all things,
a reality
television crew--
Hold on a second.
Wait, what is that?
It's a bullet-proof vest.
What do I think of what actually
happened in White Plains?
My God, I thought
it was tragic.
It was--it was
just tragic.
And on the other hand,
it was some
of my client's best work.
You know?
But what are you gonna do?
What can you do?
We did send flowers.
Not just Blanca.
We sent them to families
of the dead people too.
You know, I always knew
that sound guy was creepy.
I mean, it doesn't take
that much time
to hook a microphone
to a bra strap.
I was trying
to be professional,
but there's a limit.
Mike, I don't quite
understand why
he's so obsessed
with Blanca Champion,
to be completely
honest with you.
Um, but no,
I mean, hey,
listen, uh, I think he should
have just written a letter.
I think that
would have been--
I think that would
have been fine.
I think that would have
sort of
gotten the point across.
If you're asking me,
it was tough love.
But it was love.
After the killing spree,
a local station in Minnesota
offered me a spot
co-hosting their morning show.
I also received an offer
from the Christian Teen Network.
But my agent Seaton thought
that was, you know,
just embarrassing.
Seaton thinks
Jesus is overrated.
I'd like people to know
that the reason
Blanca threw that
hot latte at my crotch
was because she caught
me setting up a camcorder
to record our
next little bonefest.
She wasn't too happy
about that.
Uh, from what
the cops told me,
Mike escaped
the mental institution
by swiping some
sort of pills that,
once taken, uh,
diminish your vital signs
to a point where
they're almost
undetectable.
And, um, I guess he used
the same trick,
uh, this time around.
And he had, like,
a bullet-proof vest.
I mean this guys is--
was, like--
seriously knew what he was
doing, covered all his bases.
Pshh--went right over my head.
I had no idea.
Mike, the sound guy,
is a pain in the ass.
Do I think Blanca was surprised,
uh, when she won the Emmy?
I think she
was totally surprised.
Yeah, absolutely.
I wasn't.
Fuck no.
God, I--I saw the d--dailies,
and the network knew it.
I mean, she hit it
out of the park.
And thank God that, uh,
crazy sound guy
left the security
cameras rolling,
because the--that Emmy
really drove up her quota.
I mean, I'm getting
for her to do
Hush, Hush 2.
Vance, uh,
I don't know, for--
I'm really glad,
but, uh--
for some reason,
has some sort of a, uh,
bottle opener/bear trap opener
on his key chain.
Uh, I've been opening
bear traps since I was a kid.
So it really wasn't
that big of a deal.
Did I--did I get
the message from Jake
about finding the hand
in the refriger--yeah.
Well, I was, uh,
trying to listen to it,
but I was getting
on a plane at L.A.X.,
and Hillary Clinton
and the fucking Secret Service
had taken over
the Lieutenant's Club.
So I was out
with the masses.
And it's just ear-splitting
in that terminal.
I don't know how
you people do it.
Affiliated, uh,
has hired me
TO Direct, uh,
Hush, Hush Part Two,
which, we all know,
is Blanca Champion's next film.
What's next for me
is, uh--
I'm actually playing
the character of Jake
in the film version
of the White Plains massacre.
It was Blanca's idea.
And my lawyer's.
I'm fairly certain
that Blanca chick wants me.
I'm beginning
to think this workout
wasn't such
a bright idea.
Uh, when Jake asked me to, uh,
go to coach Hansen's house
in the middle of the night,
I think--
My first reaction was I think
I threw up a little
in the back of my mouth.
Okay, can we wrap
this thing up?
'Cause I gotta take
Montana Moorehead
to the Daisy Awards tonight,
and I never keep
a client waiting, so--
# so wrap me up in velvet #
# velvet baby #
# I wanna live forever #
# I want to be immortalized #
# velvet baby #
# and he's trying hard
to capture #
# the little bits #
# of immortality # #