KillJoy (2024) Movie Script
[dark, mysterious music plays]
[tense music plays]
[sombre piano music plays]
[tram bell dings]
[interviewer] Okay.
Let's start with the easy stuff.
[sighs]
[interviewer] Do you have a photo
of your mum - Carolyn?
Sure.
This is my mum - Carolyn.
I remember looking at it and being
like, "I wonder if she was happy."
I knew that every person
that I ever met
was eventually going to ask me...
where my mum was.
And... I dreaded it.
Because I didn't
want to have to explain
the whole situation.
I felt a lot of shame around it.
Just having to deal with
other people's reactions
or responses or opinions,
or hold their anger,
confusion, disgust, pain,
surprise, awkwardness,
or their silence.
Sometimes I would make things up.
Would just say a different...
cause of death, um,
that seemed, like, simpler.
It was somewhere between
"I don't want to talk about it"
and just lying
about the way she died.
But the truth is...
my dad killed my mum.
I was three months old.
My life was just always
in the shadow
of this horrible tragedy.
Because I was never told anything,
I've always wanted to know
what happened,
how it happened, why it happened.
To keep knowing until
somehow I can make it better.
I would never want this
to happen to anybody.
But...
I am who I am because of it.
[dark music swells]
Mm-hm.
I came to know Carolyn
probably about two...
well, about two years
before all of this happened.
Uh, my name is Jill Brodie.
Um, I met Carolyn
when I was in my late twenties.
Um, and she was a wonderful teacher.
Amazing musician. Kind.
And, of course, physically,
she was so beautiful.
My name's Vicki Sheaffe.
I was a good friend of Carolyn Stuckey
in our late twenties, early thirties.
Um, and now I'm sitting here at 71.
[woman] Yeah, we got scholarships
to go to teachers' college
and we developed
a very strong friendship.
We just clicked.
She was teaching
our children at the time.
And they had known her
all their short lives
and were very fond of her.
I can remember my son aged five
saying, "I love Mrs Stuckey, Mum."
You know? And he meant it.
[Kathryn] I think she loved children.
I think, you know, you probably
don't become a school teacher
if you don't love children.
She says, "I'm going to go
into Miss Lismore."
And I thought, "Oh, good on you!"
You know?
And the next thing, she's in the paper
and she's won!
This one...
is where she was announced Miss Lismore.
And there's Jacki Weaver down there
with some guys going, "Heh, heh, heh,"
in the background.
It was a big thing. It was real
prestigious to be, you know, Miss Lismore.
Oh, yeah. It was special.
So, yeah, she would've been
easily recognisable.
Definitely.
She was the sort of woman
that people would turn around
and look at.
But she was oblivious
to her beauty.
She was oblivious to the effect
she had on people.
[Anne] I was with Carolyn
at the Lismore Workers Club
and it was a Wednesday night
when she met her husband -
Allan Stuckey.
I don't know whether
he owned the pharmacy,
but he was certainly the principal
in the pharmacy in Lismore.
And he was eight years older.
So he was well placed.
We were only 18. You know?
We're going, "Who's this dude?"
You know?
"Who's this dude coming over here?"
She was there for the picking,
wasn't she?
She's a pretty little thing,
big blue eyes, blonde hair.
Easily...
easily won over, I would say.
This one is, um, the two of them
and my dad's sister,
uh, at their wedding.
I mean, the first thing I think is...
those sideburns
were quite a statement.
[laughs] Um...
Yeah, I mean, look,
it's a bit strange to look at
wedding photos of them.
There's a lot of, like,
hope and promise in that moment
of a future that...
would look a lot different
than it turned out to look.
Um...
[Vicki] Her marriage to Allan Stuckey,
they just didn't, to me,
and to a lot of people,
didn't seem to... mash together.
He was into tennis in a big way.
But, yeah,
that wasn't her thing at all. No.
She was more literary and arty
and music and... You know?
Different.
Yeah, they were
chalk and cheese, really,
when you analyse it like that.
The Lismore Theatre Club
was a very kind of vibrant community.
I think it was a place where
a lot of people could kind of
have some fun
and have this social connection.
Most of our friends at that time
belonged to the Theatre Club.
[Jill] And Carolyn had never
previously been in the Theatre Club.
But I think she envied the fun we had.
And so she auditioned.
Is it cold being a ghost?
No, I don't think so.
What happens if I touch you?
I doubt if you can.
Do you want to?
Oh, Elvira!
[Kathryn] 'Blithe Spirit' is a play
written by Noel Coward.
It's about a man who is haunted
by the ghost of his dead wife.
The ghost is played by my mum - Carolyn.
You are here, aren't you?
You're not an illusion?
I may be an illusion,
but I'm most definitely here.
[Kathryn] And her husband
is played by Allen Ennew.
You must promise me that in future
you'll only come and talk to me
when I'm alone.
[man] My dear Madame Arcati.
[woman] I'm afraid I'm rather late.
[Kathryn] And also in this play
was Allen's wife, Madeline,
who is playing a psychic.
I may have to go into a slight trance,
but if I do, pay no attention.
[sombre music plays]
[exhales heavily]
[Clare] The last time I was here
was when 'Blithe Spirit'
was a production.
Mmm. There's Dad.
It's a very typical
'Dad in Theatre Club' look.
There's Mum.
You know, my dad loved this place.
He loved acting.
And Mum did too. She was a good actor.
There's the program there.
Who's in it.
And then...
a bunch of photos, so...
It's this one.
There's a couple like this,
with Dad and Carolyn.
Just this moment caught
where they're looking at each other
and I just go, "Yeah."
You know, that's the sort of vibe
that my mum would've got hold of.
Because the emotions were real, right?
They weren't just acting.
[Kathryn] I don't know all the details
of what went on there.
But definitely a relationship
was developing
and a friendship and an attraction.
The silliest thing I ever did
in my whole life was to love you.
[Jill] They say a grand passion
is like an insanity,
and it was for both of them.
I came because the power
of Charles's love
tugged and tugged and tugged at me.
Didn't it, my sweet?
Yes, there was a lot of
sneaking around,
which happens in an affair.
But lots of presents
and flowers and gifts.
I did have to keep a secret.
I could see how happy they both were.
I mean, I cared deeply
for Madeline as well,
so that was very difficult.
[Jill] The risks that Allen Ennew
and Carolyn took,
the notes that were left on the
telegraph pole at the end of the road,
on her car...
I saw one at the supermarket
when I was there one day.
Walked past her car
and there was one of these notes.
[man] "My dearest, most precious Carolyn,
"I love you."
[woman] "You are a wonderful man.
"Kind, thoughtful, understanding."
[man] "I love the thoughts
of our ultimate togetherness,
"which I now see as inevitable."
Allen Ennew had moved out of his home
and had rented a little flat.
Madeline wasn't coping at all.
She lost a lot of weight very quickly.
[Jill] I remember one day she told me
she was going to kill herself.
I said, "Oh, you can't do that."
Her two boys were
at university in Sydney.
Her daughter, Clare, was 18.
She said she couldn't be jilted,
she couldn't be left on her own
as someone left
for the younger person.
She couldn't deal
with that humiliation.
And I spoke to my GP, and he said
what people used to say in those days.
He said, "Oh, if they talk about it,
they don't do it."
And he was a well-meaning man,
but that was wrong.
Allen found the body.
And she'd organised
so that Clare wasn't home that night.
And, sure enough,
everything in the house was tip-top.
Food was made for her own funeral.
[sniffles]
In her letter to me,
'cause she wrote suicide letters,
she told me not to blame my father,
and, honestly, I don't.
I don't blame anyone in this story.
It's just really hard
being the child of that story.
You know?
It's all very tragic
to think about the fact
that these two women in this play
are now dead,
and the ways that they died.
Carolyn was...
she was devastated by it
and felt incredible guilt.
I would say that Allen Ennew,
he was very sad about Madeline
and it was a traumatic
and hideous thing that happened
and he found her.
But he was so obsessed
with the fact that one day
Carolyn would come to him,
and so he bought this big house.
That was going to be the home
with lots of bedrooms
so that they could have
all their children there
eventually at times.
That was his idea.
No one wanted to be divorced.
No one wanted
to leave their husband.
Because there was a lot of stigma
in the community.
Not today,
but back in the '70s, dead right.
And '80s.
If she left the marriage,
she was concerned what, I guess,
the parents of her students, the church...
She felt enormous shame
for going against
what she'd been taught
as far as her religion was concerned.
Religion was a big part
of growing up in the '50s and '60s.
Huge. You know? Everybody.
It was rare for a family
not to go to church.
[Jill] When she told us
that Allan Stuckey had found out,
I thought, "Right, now,
something will happen now.
"Either she will stay with him
or she'll go with Allen Ennew."
But at least it's not this
terrible, dangerous game
that they were still playing.
[man] "You've distanced yourself
and made me resentful
"by taunting me with Allen Ennew.
"If you do not love me,
"then I cannot go on
to even try to work things out."
My mum decided to stay with my dad.
And he made her swear on the Bible
and he wrote vows for her to take.
[woman] "I swear never to say
or do anything again to hurt you."
"I swear never to lie
to my husband Allan ever again."
"I swear that the affair
is over completely
"and that I will never
do anything directly or indirectly
"to have any type
of relationship with him again.
"I swear to love, honour
and cherish you
"for the rest of my days."
I asked her if she was
worried for her own safety.
And she said no. No.
She said, "I'm not. But I am worried
what he might do to Allen Ennew."
[man] "Allen, if you
should have any thoughts
"of trying to rekindle the relationship
"or even getting in touch with her
in any way,
"then I will tell you now
you will join your wife."
[Vicki] But she was very unhappy.
She... Well, she'd just had a baby.
Um...
It must've been so stressful for her.
And she had two little boys as well.
[woman] "My darling Allen,
"to choose to go to you
meant the disruption of a family,
"gossip and talk about
the cause of Madeline's death.
"To stay with Allan
meant unbearable pain for you.
"For me, it meant an ache inside
"which I know will be with me
every day for the rest of my life."
She'd supposedly
broken off with Allen Ennew,
it was over,
suddenly she was seeing him again.
And I said, "Allan Stuckey
will not let her go without a fight."
We always knew
that he was a man
who would not be able to accept it.
Like a lot of people, I suppose.
And then he puts
a private detective on her? Good God!
She thought Allan Stuckey
had, um, been having her followed.
I think she said
a "little grey Volkswagen".
"I think I'm being followed."
Um, to which I just thought,
"Oh, my God, where's that gonna go?"
There's absolutely no excuse
for that behaviour.
Monitoring someone's movements
is a huge indicator of family violence,
of coercive control.
I find it really disturbing
that he did that.
That he felt justified in doing that.
[man] "My darling,
"I'm going to ask you again
for the complete peace of mind -
"have you had any contact
since your vows?
"I beg you, I implore you,
do not tell me a lie."
"It is the most important question
you will ever answer."
"All I know is
I love you more than anything.
"Allan."
I happened to be in the station
on 31st January 1985
when the phone rang, and I answered it.
There was a male voice
on the other end of the phone.
Very calmly said,
"It's Allan Stuckey from 5 Banksia Court,
Lismore Heights."
And I said,
"Yes, Allan, how can we help you?"
And he said, "You'd better come up.
I've just shot my wife."
You know, when you did your training
at the Police Academy
one of the things
that I do remember very clearly
that they instilled in young police
was that domestic violence incidents,
attending those
was the most dangerous situation
that we would go to.
Of course, you know, I was anxious
approaching the house
under those circumstances.
And, you know, we went into the house
and Allan Stuckey was sitting
in the kitchen at a bench.
He was just sitting there calmly,
sipping coffee from a mug
as though nothing had happened.
It was... Yeah, it was quite surreal.
I walked into the main bedroom
and there was a double bed to the right.
At the foot of the bed
was a female person.
It was quite shocking, obviously,
what had happened, to start with,
but also having the, you know,
the three children in the house
at the time.
And... yeah.
By good fortune, perhaps,
nothing happened to them at the time.
I was teaching
down the other end of the peninsula here.
Out on the playground on duty
and my husband pulled up.
I said, "What are you doing here?"
He said, "Oh, I've got
some terrible news to tell you."
I turned the radio on. Next to the bed.
And it said, uh...
that a 32-year-old Lismore woman
had been shot dead overnight.
Police were at the scene in Goonellabah.
And we knew.
It was fairly hysterical in our house.
There was...
We were incredibly upset.
Allan had killed Carolyn.
And, as a child, I just had no concept
of what that... how that could happen.
I can still remember the feeling
and thinking, "Oh, my God,
I could've stopped this."
That was something I think
a lot of people thought.
In a case like that, a murder,
or an unlawful killing of someone,
we call out the detectives,
they come to the scene,
they take over the investigation.
The lead investigator
was Detective Sergeant Don Cuell.
Senior Constable Will Palmer
rang me at home.
Told me that there'd been a shooting
and a lady was deceased.
We, uh, went back to the police station
where he was interviewed
in the presence of his solicitor.
Given some of the answers and whatnot,
I'd say that he'd ran through
a lot of the possible situations
with his solicitor prior.
Which he's entitled to do.
[policeman] For the information
of this record of interview,
what is your full name?
[man] Allan James Stuckey.
I had reason to doubt her fidelity,
and I engaged a private investigator
to check her movements.
[policeman] Can you tell me
what happened?
[man] She admitted that she had been
with Allen Ennew on that day.
She said she couldn't give him up.
[policeman] What did you do?
[man] I took the rifle from my study
and raced back to the bedroom.
She screamed
and grabbed the barrel of the rifle
and we struggled.
Shots were fired.
[policeman] When did you load this rifle?
[man] I was going to shoot
a flying fox a couple of months ago,
and that's when.
[policeman]
Did you leave the magazine loaded
with live cartridges in this rifle
in your study?
[man] Yes, but it was
right back behind the bed
so that it's not easy
for anybody to get at.
[policeman] What happened then?
[man] I had a shower
and tried to compose my mind
and work out
if I should kill myself or not.
I rang my sister to ask her
to come and collect my children
and it occurred to me that
there was a debt that I hadn't paid,
and that was to the private investigator.
And I rang his residence to tell him
that his money was in the work safe.
I didn't want to feel
that I had left some money owing.
[policeman] You have explained to us
your wife's affair
with the person Allen Ennew.
Is that the only reason you can give us
for this shooting having taken place?
[man] Yes.
And considerations allied to it, yes.
[policeman] Is there anything further you
wish to say in relation to this matter?
[man] Just that the affair
has been going on for two years.
That's all.
[Kathryn] I was three months old.
My brothers were four and eight.
And to have the children
in the house when he did it.
I mean...
you can't imagine that scene.
I don't think you can make sense of it.
It's unforgivable.
Should never have happened.
Um...
I mean,
the type of thing that was going on
happens all the time.
People don't die for it.
After he was charged with murder,
Allan Stuckey was bailed.
The reason he would've got bail is
because of his standing in the community.
He was a chemist. No prior convictions.
His young children were still there
and he's not gonna decamp.
So Stuckey got bail.
Went back to work, I think.
Well, my dad was charged with murder.
Um...
But the trial
wasn't for a year and a half.
It was quite surprising to me, I think,
when I realised that
my brothers and I were at home
with my dad a lot of that time.
He was able to get out,
resume a normal life
with his children,
with his three young children,
back in his house
in Lismore Heights
and go back as a practising pharmacist
of all things.
Despite the fact
that he had killed Carolyn
he still had the legal right
to dispose of her body as her husband.
And he just simply
had her cremated instantly
with no ceremony.
And nobody had a chance to recognise
what had happened
or to say goodbye to her.
It was just as though
she'd been put out with the rubbish.
I've always wanted to know
everything about it.
You know, like,
everything surrounding it.
And I've always wanted to know
what happened, how it happened,
why it happened.
That's been a lifelong journey.
I want to understand
where we were and where I was
and what happened afterwards,
and why the decisions that were made
were made.
So, part of it is just wanting to know
about my own life
and know information
and put those puzzle pieces together.
[woman] So, this is the trial transcript.
And are you feeling okay
about looking at it now?
I am.
I feel a little bit nervous about it.
- Mmm.
- Um... I don't know.
There's a part of me
that sort of wants information
and, like, sort of wants to look at it
and then a part of me that finds it
quite, you know, upsetting.
- Absolutely.
- So, um...
So, in this trial
your father argued
that he acted in response to provocation.
The provocation in this case
was said to be
that Carolyn was having an affair.
They're arguing that a person's actions
contributed to their death.
Yeah.
The provocation defence
is actually a partial defence.
It will reduce your culpability
from murder to manslaughter.
The guideline of the provocation
and the evidence required
is that it comes back to
what an ordinary person would do
under those circumstances.
So, in other words, you and I,
would we react the same way
as Allan Stuckey acted
given the circumstances?
People's marriages break down.
I'm a lawyer.
And I hate being a family lawyer,
but somebody's gotta do it.
And it happens all the time.
But you don't turn around
and kill your spouse.
[man 1] Your full name is?
[man 2] William Arthur Barclay.
A consultant psychiatrist
now in private practice.
[man 1] Are you able to express an opinion
as to whether that conduct
could have induced an ordinary person
to lose self-control
in psychiatric terms?
[man 2] Yes, I believe so.
There was a certain element of, um,
if someone was wronged in that way
then they could be excused
for not being able to control themselves.
Does an ordinary person get a gun,
which is already in the house, loaded,
with three young children in the place?
Does an ordinary person do that?
And does an ordinary person
shoot his wife?
And does an ordinary person
have a shower,
ring a friend, ring his solicitor?
Does an ordinary person do that?
The person that they've killed
is no longer able
to give their side of the story
or talk about what they went through.
- Mmm.
- It's very one sided.
And it's highly critical of that person.
And then at the same time
you also get people giving evidence
about the positive characteristics
of the accused.
[Kathryn] Yeah.
[man] When you spoke to your brother,
can you describe
how he appeared to you to be?
[woman] Extremely upset.
[man] What sort of person is your brother?
[woman] A very serious minded,
very moral, quiet, shy,
very idealistic person.
I also think very naive.
[man] Is he a violent sort of person?
[woman] No, no, not at all.
He loved the children, he always has.
[man] Did he ever express to you
the view he took of marriage?
[woman] That marriage is a sacred thing.
[Kathryn] It seemed so odd to me
that none of her friends
got to speak for her, at least.
Because she wasn't able to speak.
So, it's like there were other people
who could've at least
spoke to her character
and given some indication
of what she was going through.
I just... Yeah.
Yeah, it becomes a very one-sided
sort of view of what happens
in that situation.
- Doesn't it?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Sometimes the prosecution
could go much further
in the way that they approach this
and in trying to ask questions
and get more information
about that context.
They don't always understand
the dynamics of family violence themselves
and the importance of it
for understanding
what happens in domestic homicides.
What we really needed in this trial
as far as the prosecution was concerned,
we needed someone
that was going to get in there
and fight like a bulldog
and shake their head and carry on.
And unfortunately
we finished up with a golden retriever.
I was appalled at the lack of prosecution.
I mean, I remember
sitting in the back of the court
and just thinking, "Oh, my God!"
The worst thing
about trying to recover from this
for all of us
was that there was
so much shock and horror
because she was this "scarlet woman".
We would hear, indirectly,
about the outrage, about what
this woman had done to this poor chap,
not what this chap
had done to this poor woman.
Yeah, I just think
there was this mind-set that...
she's the villain in all this,
she's done the wrong thing.
And, in a sense - I hate to say it -
but some of those people, I'm sure,
think she got what she deserved.
[Deborah]
So there's quite a lot of evidence
in relation to the ballistics,
what sort of weapon was used
and how that weapon is operated.
[Don] Carolyn was shot three times.
Once in the abdomen, twice in the head.
Oh. This one's gonna be really graphic.
[Don] After the first shot,
she's wounded and lying on the floor.
And she wouldn't have died from
that shot either, the doctors have said.
Surely,
he should've realised what he's doing.
Two more times he cocked that gun
and fired it again.
And this is a bolt-action gun.
A bolt-action .22 rifle.
So, it's not like a semi-automatic
where you just have to pull the trigger.
There was a manual requirement
to reload that gun.
Or you could probably just
do it like that. That's one. Bang!
Two.
It's a very deliberate action.
That's what I'm trying to say.
[Deborah] Yeah, there is quite a lot
in the trial transcript
about whereabouts in the house
the shooting occurred.
There's a map that's been provided
as part of the evidence.
Let's see that there.
This was my bedroom.
This is my dad's room still.
All the way through my life.
I go into this room every day
that she was...
you know, lying here dying.
And just...
- [Deborah] Yeah, that's horrible.
- Yeah. It's awful.
[man] He was, undoubtedly, at all times
a man of exceptional character
and obvious good standing
in the community.
The prisoner's control of himself
over a lengthy period
ultimately snapped
when his wife told him
she could not give up her lover.
In the circumstances,
some response on his part
would not have been unreasonable.
However,
to shoot the deceased three times
was hardly proportionate
to the devastating verbal message.
It was greater
than the circumstances warranted.
In my view, the prisoner is unlikely
to again offend against the law.
The prisoner's strong, subjective matters,
unlike many other cases,
provide the basis
for specifying a non-parole period
which will give him the opportunity
of resuming his life in the community
and with his children
at a reasonably early time.
Allan James Stuckey,
on the charge
on which the jury has convicted you,
I sentence you
to penal servitude for eight years.
I specify a non-parole period
of three years.
[hushed murmuring]
"She, like, sort of made me do it.
"She ran off... you know,
went off with another man."
It was all, "Poor me, poor me,
I'm the victim here."
Yeah, it makes me really furious, actually.
I have difficulty reconciling the fact
that this matter resulted in
a conviction for manslaughter.
I really do.
But, of course,
I have to accept the court's decision.
That's the system of justice
that we have in this country.
Even though we don't have
provocation defence available
in most states in Australia anymore,
we still see the same explanations
for why men acted the way
they did in these cases.
The provocation narrative
can still be used
to understand their actions
when they're considering sentencing.
I asked him one time, like...
said something about the fact
that he had never apologised to us.
And he was, like,
"I don't owe you or anyone an apology."
- [Deborah] Wow.
- Like...
The absence of the impact on the children
- is really striking as well.
- Yeah.
It felt like a real sense of, like,
what's best for my father
and really centred around him
rather than thinking about us
and the long-term impacts
of the decisions that were made.
The actual conclusion of that drama
was catastrophic
for the children especially.
So these are, um, letters
that my dad wrote me
when he was in prison.
So I was probably about
two or three years old.
Most of them are, um...
...like, pictures of birds
that my dad has drawn.
Or trees.
"Dear Kathryn,
"it is Sunday here as I'm writing this
and the weather is very poor.
"There is a big fog all over the camp
"and it is just so thick
it is almost like rain.
"This is a kookaburra.
"See his big, strong beak for eating meat.
"Sometimes they eat snakes
"and their song is just like a laugh.
"Love, Dad."
My father served 22 months
for killing my mother.
On his release, my brothers and I
went back to live with him.
I was about four years old.
[Jan] I was appalled that he could
be given custody of the children.
I cannot understand
how the court made an order
that she was to live with her father.
I really cannot understand that.
So, this is a picture of me
in primary school.
I excelled at school
and I had a lot of friends
and I enjoyed it.
But it felt like a different world
when I went home.
I felt a real disconnect between
what I was showing people
and what I was experiencing internally.
I wasn't allowed to talk about my mother.
There weren't photos.
There weren't stories.
I didn't have any sense of who she was.
Her name was never mentioned.
The story that I was told
was that she had done this awful thing,
he had snapped and then he killed her
and really framed
as this sort of accident.
I feel like there was
a really significant shift
in my relationship with my dad
when I went to high school.
I really felt like I'd become someone
that he really didn't like.
Where there was this sense
of, like, entitlement and control
and that if you step outside
of this little box
that he's kind of put you in,
then you become
this huge disappointment
and you're uncontrollable.
I knew that I had to be a certain way,
show that I was fine,
even if I was suffering.
Feeling like at any moment
love will be withdrawn.
I just remember
bumping into her one day
and I knew it was her birthday
and I took her around to the cafe
and we had an ice chocolate
and we had a chat.
She told me that she understood
that her mother
was leaving her and the boys.
And I just said, "No, that's not true."
[inhales deeply]
[tearfully] That's what her father
had told her.
Um...
And I told her...
...that there was no way
her mother would've left her.
And the lies that she'd been told
were just... not right.
When I was 16,
I needed to get my passport.
And I needed
to get a death certificate.
And so it was the first time
I actually had seen
her cause of death, like, written down.
Which was something like "the effects
of a gunshot wound to the head".
Which was incredibly confronting
for me at 16
because nobody
had ever said that to me.
They hadn't actually said, like,
"This is how she died."
I remember that feeling
of reading that death certificate
and being really shocked at,
I guess, the bluntness of it.
But just also that
that was what it was.
You know? Um...
That my dad had shot her in the head.
That knowledge made me realise
that I was unsafe, actually.
Like, physically unsafe.
And it's not...
It's like I felt that before.
But I had this example
of like how far he could go.
I felt scared of my dad at that time.
And what he could do.
Because I was also just living
on my own with him at that point.
My brothers had left home.
And I think, why didn't anyone else,
why didn't the adults, you know,
ask some questions, check in?
All of those things.
It's not like people didn't know
that that was fucking strange.
That was a weird thing
that we were growing up
in the house that our mother was killed
with the man that killed her.
I think there was an assumption
that everything was fine.
Everyone wanted it to be fine.
So I thought, "Well, if I'm not fine,
"then something's wrong with me,
not them."
I started having nightmares
about her death.
Like, very graphic nightmares
about, um, her being shot
in this house that I was living in.
And it was also just, like,
my everyday house.
You know, like, come home from school
and make myself a snack
and, you know, sometimes
I would watch something with my dad
and it was funny and we'd laugh and...
It was just my life.
And it was also terrifying at times.
Yeah.
I knew that to have any sort of peace
that I needed to leave Lismore.
And I finished my last exam,
packed up my stuff
one day when my dad was at work
and just left.
I actually don't remember
saying goodbye to my dad at all.
So I went to Sydney.
And moved in
with my cousin Elle and the family.
And we went to uni together
at Sydney Uni.
At some point, I got a job
at Sydney Theatre Company,
and that's where I met Tanya.
Kathryn's my best friend,
my former partner.
We met in 2008.
Neither of us had been
in a queer relationship before.
So our falling in love
was a really beautiful time
and also complicated time.
We had, like, a great crew of friends
that we spent time with
and saw a lot of art.
We were super broke,
but it was a beautiful kind of love story
and then also, like...
interwoven with a lot of trauma
and pain, I guess.
I felt like I would leave behind
everything that had happened,
including that feeling of...
I guess, you know, depression.
I just assumed that that would go away
once I was out of the house
and away from my dad.
And...
it didn't.
In fact, it felt worse.
I was more depressed.
I was really depressed.
I don't think
I've ever seen Kathryn asleep.
And we were together for four years.
Insomnia and nightmares
were a big part of our life.
They would sit bolt upright
and they would be screaming.
It was a guttural scream.
And they would be shaking, hyperventilating.
It was just fear.
Just... just fear.
How anyone thought
that he could raise those kids
in the home where he killed Carolyn
and then have one of them grow up
with physical likeness to this person
and for people not to think
that there was going to be
some problems there,
perplexes me.
My father was still
in regular contact with me
and writing me letters
that were pretty awful.
Some days we would be
going about our days
in our tiny little apartment
and it was like living
with someone that wasn't there.
Like, they were the closest person
to me in the world,
so when they did disappear...
it was difficult.
And I didn't know what to do.
And it was during that time
that I went through
a lot of things in my life.
A break-up with Tanya.
That brought a lot of grief, um...
and loss into my... to my world.
So I started going to therapy,
like, really seriously for the first time.
And really started
dealing with my childhood.
So, in 2013
I dropped my surname, Stuckey.
And I made my middle name
my surname, which is Joy.
And Joy was my mum's middle name.
Part of it was not wanting
to just be easily tracked down
by my father.
And then there was
really embracing my mum
and that side of the family.
[birds twittering]
I always felt like
I wasn't going to be around for very long.
Like I was going to have a short life.
Like my mum.
I worked out how old she was
when she was killed.
Which was 32 years,
nine weeks and six days.
And I worked out what date
that will be for me.
And it's 27th December 2016.
So I have a cut-off date in my head.
And I have about six months.
I've always just assumed
that I would die sometime before then.
That's... that's it for me.
Part of feeling like
I'm not going to be here next year
is not having a mother
to kind of see what that looks like,
what that next part looks like
and getting older looks like.
And a lot of people
look to their parents for that.
But part of it, I think, is just that I...
feel like we're somehow the same person.
And that's probably not the healthiest
thing in the world. [heavy exhale]
[sighing softly]
So it's like 2 a.m. or something
and... I can't sleep because...
I've never been able
to take sleeping pills
because they give me these nightmares.
I feel like having them around
is probably not a good idea.
So...
[exhales softly]
I'm supposed to be at therapy today.
I had to cancel it
because I can't afford to go.
Like, I'm 32 and I can't pay my rent.
I think that's enough for today.
[sniffles]
I really didn't want to do this today
because I feel awful and...
[sighs]
...and I'm afraid of...
not coming out of it.
[sniffles]
[exhales]
Today is December 26th.
So, tomorrow...
I will be the exact age that my mother was
when she was killed.
[Kathryn] So, today is New Year's Day
and I'm alive.
So that's... kind of strange.
I've just realised how many people
in my life are willing to help.
And it's a really beautiful thing, so...
I guess, just thinking about
the next couple of months,
thinking about how I'm going to survive.
And some of those things
are just kind of practical things
to do with work and finding another job.
[sighs]
I think I need to learn to drive.
I will...
...I guess, be back tomorrow.
For such a long time
the only thing
that I knew about my mum
was the way that she died.
Then that became
my whole relationship with her.
It's been really important to me
for her to exist as a person who lived
and not just a person who was killed.
I decided that I wanted
to write to some people
and, like, ask them...
...what my mum was like.
So, we're going to Brisbane
to meet Anne McKinnon.
A friend of my mum's.
I'm excited
because I never really knew
what happened to her.
We couldn't get a lot of information.
We lost our friend,
but you don't know
what happened to the children.
I probably had never thought about it
from the point of view of the child.
Their feelings
and what their lives turned out like.
[Kathryn] When my mum was younger,
I think they studied together
at teachers' college,
from what I know.
So, it'll be nice to hear about...
...I guess, those days
before my mum was a mother too.
You know? Just her as a younger person.
May I hug you? Is that okay?
Perfectly. Oh, you beautiful girl.
I just wanted you stand next to me
like Mum and I.
[gasps] Oh, my goodness!
- [Anne] You're a little bit taller. Look.
- [Kathryn] Wow!
- [Anne] That's going to the ball.
- [Kathryn] Oh, that's a beautiful picture.
- [Anne] Oh, we would've been 18.
- [Kathryn] Wow.
- God, you're like her. Oh, my God!
- [laughs]
- It's so nice to see you!
- It's so nice to see you.
- 'Cause we buddied up.
- Mmm.
And we used to just
wake up at ten to 9:00,
put the Levi's on and the gym boots
and tuck our hair in
and jump the fence and go to uni.
We had to go nine to five
in those days.
It was very regimented,
mark the roll, you know.
And she started skipping.
I said,
"You gotta come to Social Studies!"
She goes, "Ohh..."
[Kathryn] Yes! I love this inf...
- I love this, 'cause this is so me.
- And I'd say, "Get up!"
She goes, "Ohh, I can't be bothered."
I said, "Oh, you'll fail." And she did.
- [Kathryn laughs]
- Anyway, she got through it.
- She... Yeah.
- Yeah.
- She was messy.
- I'm really messy too. [laughs]
- Are you messy?
- I'm so messy.
- Show me your hands.
- I'm so untidy.
- You don't get eczema?
- I do, yes, yeah.
So did she.
And this is a recipe.
That's Mum's writing.
Oh, yes! She had such neat writing.
Carolyn. And that's rum cream pie.
I've got a copy of that.
- So you have that.
- Amazing. Oh, thank you.
You have that.
This is my little
treasure trove I got out.
I'm gonna veganise this recipe
and make it. [laughs]
- Well, you keep all those.
- [Kathryn] Thank you.
[Anne] You know,
you're more than welcome.
It was so nice to meet you.
Thank you so much
- It's just been wonderful.
- It's been really lovely.
And I really hope we can catch up again
and stay in touch.
- Thank you. Ohh...
- Give me a big hug.
I decided to get in touch
with Allen Ennew.
He was the man my mother
fell in love with, had an affair with,
and ask some questions about my mum.
[man] "Dear Kathryn,
"the first thing I should mention
regarding our relationship
"is that while it started as an affair,
"it developed into much more.
"Carolyn was
a very special person to me.
"But not only to me
but many friends she had
"and was and is sadly missed
"even after all this time."
I had also received a letter
from Clare during that time.
She contacted me
after she had heard
that I'd reached out to her dad.
And we just became really good friends.
And such a big anchor for me.
While we didn't have the same experience,
there were so many things
that were similar
and there was just a real understanding
of our families and that town
and everything that happened.
I don't think I've ever
really been around here much.
Ahh! Greenwood... That's...
I feel like that name was in the trial.
So, this is the house
where my dad and your mum
we're planning on being together.
So, Dad bought this house thinking
that you and your brothers
would move in here.
And, of course, your mum.
This would've been your home.
- And yours.
- And mine.
Yeah, I mean, I guess it's a different...
whole, like, life that...
...could have been.
And that being, yeah, taken away.
From her and from us.
From all of us.
[sighs]
[Jill] When you said
that you used to think,
"Where are those people
who were my mother's friends?
"Why aren't they helping me?"
I just... You know,
that was devastating to hear that.
I knew your father's animosity
to anyone who was from that time.
But maybe we should've gone past that.
You know, maybe that's...
You know, we should've been brave...
I guess, selfishly we were all
looking after ourselves as well.
- And...
- We were afraid too.
I was scared to ask questions
'cause I didn't know who to ask.
And, like, it was honestly
like it had never happened.
But I just imagined that
every time anywhere you went
that people would have said,
"Oh, you know..."
I'm sure they did.
I mean, that's the thing too.
Growing up knowing that other people...
Well, not even knowing but feeling
like people were talking
about you all the time.
- Did you?
- [Kathryn] Yeah.
You know, we could... [exhales deeply]
...can handle anything
but the silence.
- [Kathryn] Yeah.
- [Jill] Yes.
I hated that everyone
always was so careful.
I mean, I know it was
a protective thing, but that...
Yeah, we... [inhales]
It's like, I've already lived
through the worst of it.
Yeah, the worst part
is not speaking about it.
So, I went back to Banksia Court,
my old street that I grew up in.
But I was with Helen and Lyndel,
my two old neighbours.
[Helen] Wow.
[Lyndel] How do you feel coming back?
And have you been back before?
I think I've driven past once
in the last, you know,
20 years or something.
But I haven't, kind of, stood here and...
[Helen & Lyndel] Yep.
[sighs]
It's... hard.
Yeah.
I remember it being
a really dark house growing up.
I mean, I don't know
if that was my state of mind or...
- But the house itself felt really... Yeah.
- It is a dark house. Yeah.
And I feel like the curtains
were always closed.
Did you notice the difference
between, like, when my mum
was there and after?
Like, did it feel very different?
I remember being here
to look after your brothers, Kathryn,
when your dad took you as a little baby.
And I just was sitting in the house
just feeling the enormity
of what had happened.
And how dark and, you know, um...
You know, your mum was always vibrant
and there'd be snacks
and lots of activity happening
and giggling, and...
The sense was just
that huge contrast between...
you know, this is now and here on.
But I think now we get to grieve that.
- [Kathryn] Mmm.
- Whereas back then we didn't.
Because we didn't know how.
- There she is.
- Oh, there she is.
I feel really angry about the fact
that it says "passed away".
- [Helen] I was just looking at that.
- [Kathryn] It just makes me really mad.
Because he... he did this.
[Lyndel] She'll always be older than me.
I'm 52 and I still look at Carolyn as...
- [Kathryn] I know. Isn't that strange?
- [Lyndel] She's always gonna be...
[Helen] Your mum read this to you
when you were a baby.
"I carry your heart with me.
"I carry it in my heart.
"I am never without it.
"Anywhere I go, you go, my dear..."
[woman, VO]
"And whatever is done by only me
"is your doing, my darling.
"I fear no fate.
"For you are my fate, my sweet.
"I want no world.
"For beautiful you are my world, my true.
"I carry your heart.
"I carry it in my heart."
She loved you so much.
The three of you so, so much.
[Kathryn] I had been having these thoughts
about doing a memorial for my mum.
Make a space for all of us
to talk a bit more about her
and have some ritual around it.
I felt like I needed that.
Like a grief ritual.
And...
And I felt like other people did too.
[birds whistling, twittering]
[Tanya] Kathryn wanted
to do something in Lismore.
To bring together friends and family,
to honour Carolyn.
They ended up
finding this outdoor cathedral.
Which was so beautiful
and, yeah, really connected
Kathryn's kind of
environmental spirituality
and Carolyn's faith.
- [indistinct chatter]
- [Kathryn] They're amazing.
They're just one for each person.
[sighs heavily] Gosh.
[Kathryn] So many people, really,
were just waiting for me to ask.
You know, like, really actually wanted
the opportunity to speak about her.
- Hi! How you going?
- This is my daughter.
So nice to meet you.
- How are you?
- Good to see you.
This is the first photo
of Kathryn's mother.
So, Carolyn would've been
around four to five.
[Kathryn] Ohh. It's a beautiful photo.
Kathryn did an amazing job
of organising the memorial.
She got all sorts of people
came together.
People that I hadn't seen
for years were there.
That made it emotional
because we knew why we were there.
[Tanya] It was also a real time
of connection and beauty
and community.
[Jill Brodie] And it was amazing.
And it was so cathartic
for all of us there.
Emotion was so raw, so real.
It was as if it was a week after
something had happened.
And I'll never forget it.
I just wanted to welcome everyone here.
You probably all know
it's Carolyn's birthday today.
And I feel like maybe if she were here
she would put on
some spectacular dinner party,
she would print out menus.
Her attention to detail,
I have heard, was pretty spot on.
Carolyn, your death came before
the groundswell change of public outrage
at the incidents of domestic violence
that blight our community.
Even now, 30 years later,
I find it difficult to speak without
getting a little bit
of a lump in my throat.
And today is closure for me as well.
And I just... I'm so happy
and so pleased to see you,
the embodiment of your mother,
and with the approach to life that
I think she would be very, very proud of.
I've been trying to put words
to how I feel about my mother
my whole life.
The feeling of being part of her,
and her me,
but also the absence,
of something missing.
Happy anniversary of your birth,
Carolyn Joy.
You have lived in my heart
and mind and body
since the very first moment
I took breath.
[sniffles]
And you will be there until the last.
And in that way, you have lived
far longer than your 32 years.
[sombre piano music plays]
[Kathryn] That my mother died
as a result of family violence,
I didn't think of it that way for so long.
Because there was this idea that
that was just an anomaly
in my dad's behaviour
instead of an actual act
of family violence.
That was also a crime against us.
Or should have been.
That was a really big shift
in my thinking.
I started working on the research project
at Melbourne Uni
that aims to improve support
and better understand
children and young people
who have been bereaved
by a domestic homicide.
Acting in the best interest of the child
is seen as secondary
to ensuring that the accused
gets a fair trial.
But also, how much are they supported
to have agency?
So it's not just about having a voice,
it's actually that that leads to change.
Yeah, it's a bigger issue
than probably people have realised.
[Kathryn] Yeah, totally.
Bev is somebody that I interviewed
for our research project.
I hear a gunshot
and I'm like, "What the hell?"
And I see my mum being shot in the back.
[Kathryn] And how old were you
at this point?
I'm 11 at this point.
I can't remember how many shots in total,
but the final shot was to the head.
I still see that image
pretty much every day.
How do we heal from this experience?
Do we ever really heal?
Where do we stand
and what do we have left to do
here in this space?
Because there is a lot more...
- So much to do. [laughs]
- ...to be done in this space.
And we're gonna do it, Bev.
[Bev] 52 women a year are dying.
These women are mothers, grandmothers,
someone's aunt, someone's friend.
Where are the voices
of those who are left behind?
[Kathryn]
I think that the work that we're doing
and what we're fighting for
will make a difference
to children and young people.
Children are primary victims
in this situation.
Like, it's a direct crime
against them as well.
The men who commit these crimes
are considered intelligent, charming.
They might not fit the stereotype
of what an abuser looks like.
And my dad was those things.
I don't have any relationship
with him anymore and I don't...
I practise very deliberate
non-forgiveness.
I don't know my dad now.
So, I can't really speak
to the person he is now.
But the further away I get
the more clearly I can see
what it's like to be in
an abusive relationship.
And that was an abusive relationship.
So, me wanting to come back to him,
him to be proud of me
and be in his favour,
yes, that's a child wanting that.
But that's also somebody
who is going through the dynamic
of somebody else's push and pull
and somebody else's control.
I don't have him in my head anymore.
So many of the depressive
kind of episodes that I've had
are around that stuff
that I can't change
no matter how much therapy I do.
And that's where activism
comes into my life.
I think, that's where I go,
"Well, I can't just be
doing interior work."
I feel like if you're
gonna live in this world,
you have to do something.
I love the concept of Killjoys.
Of feminist Killjoys, specifically.
Sara Ahmed,
who is an amazing thinker and writer,
and she coined this term.
People who are willing
to sort of not stay quiet about injustice.
And I have been called a killjoy.
And I embrace that.
I think it's a good thing.
I'm not here now
as, like, some healed human.
It's ongoing.
It's always kind of navigating
my mental health
and experiences and trauma.
Being almost 40 now
and realising that my mum
only got to 32...
For me, my thirties have just been
such a huge time
of understanding myself.
And she didn't really get that time.
I think if I could speak to my mum now...
I would... tell her I loved her.
And let her know that...
...my life is, like, so full.
I don't just have to tolerate
being sort of okay.
You know, I'm actually
allowed to feel good.
I'm in a new place where I feel like
I might actually live for a while.
I mean, who knows?
Who knows what will happen?
[sombre piano music plays]
[light chatter and laughter fade out]
[tense music plays]
[sombre piano music plays]
[tram bell dings]
[interviewer] Okay.
Let's start with the easy stuff.
[sighs]
[interviewer] Do you have a photo
of your mum - Carolyn?
Sure.
This is my mum - Carolyn.
I remember looking at it and being
like, "I wonder if she was happy."
I knew that every person
that I ever met
was eventually going to ask me...
where my mum was.
And... I dreaded it.
Because I didn't
want to have to explain
the whole situation.
I felt a lot of shame around it.
Just having to deal with
other people's reactions
or responses or opinions,
or hold their anger,
confusion, disgust, pain,
surprise, awkwardness,
or their silence.
Sometimes I would make things up.
Would just say a different...
cause of death, um,
that seemed, like, simpler.
It was somewhere between
"I don't want to talk about it"
and just lying
about the way she died.
But the truth is...
my dad killed my mum.
I was three months old.
My life was just always
in the shadow
of this horrible tragedy.
Because I was never told anything,
I've always wanted to know
what happened,
how it happened, why it happened.
To keep knowing until
somehow I can make it better.
I would never want this
to happen to anybody.
But...
I am who I am because of it.
[dark music swells]
Mm-hm.
I came to know Carolyn
probably about two...
well, about two years
before all of this happened.
Uh, my name is Jill Brodie.
Um, I met Carolyn
when I was in my late twenties.
Um, and she was a wonderful teacher.
Amazing musician. Kind.
And, of course, physically,
she was so beautiful.
My name's Vicki Sheaffe.
I was a good friend of Carolyn Stuckey
in our late twenties, early thirties.
Um, and now I'm sitting here at 71.
[woman] Yeah, we got scholarships
to go to teachers' college
and we developed
a very strong friendship.
We just clicked.
She was teaching
our children at the time.
And they had known her
all their short lives
and were very fond of her.
I can remember my son aged five
saying, "I love Mrs Stuckey, Mum."
You know? And he meant it.
[Kathryn] I think she loved children.
I think, you know, you probably
don't become a school teacher
if you don't love children.
She says, "I'm going to go
into Miss Lismore."
And I thought, "Oh, good on you!"
You know?
And the next thing, she's in the paper
and she's won!
This one...
is where she was announced Miss Lismore.
And there's Jacki Weaver down there
with some guys going, "Heh, heh, heh,"
in the background.
It was a big thing. It was real
prestigious to be, you know, Miss Lismore.
Oh, yeah. It was special.
So, yeah, she would've been
easily recognisable.
Definitely.
She was the sort of woman
that people would turn around
and look at.
But she was oblivious
to her beauty.
She was oblivious to the effect
she had on people.
[Anne] I was with Carolyn
at the Lismore Workers Club
and it was a Wednesday night
when she met her husband -
Allan Stuckey.
I don't know whether
he owned the pharmacy,
but he was certainly the principal
in the pharmacy in Lismore.
And he was eight years older.
So he was well placed.
We were only 18. You know?
We're going, "Who's this dude?"
You know?
"Who's this dude coming over here?"
She was there for the picking,
wasn't she?
She's a pretty little thing,
big blue eyes, blonde hair.
Easily...
easily won over, I would say.
This one is, um, the two of them
and my dad's sister,
uh, at their wedding.
I mean, the first thing I think is...
those sideburns
were quite a statement.
[laughs] Um...
Yeah, I mean, look,
it's a bit strange to look at
wedding photos of them.
There's a lot of, like,
hope and promise in that moment
of a future that...
would look a lot different
than it turned out to look.
Um...
[Vicki] Her marriage to Allan Stuckey,
they just didn't, to me,
and to a lot of people,
didn't seem to... mash together.
He was into tennis in a big way.
But, yeah,
that wasn't her thing at all. No.
She was more literary and arty
and music and... You know?
Different.
Yeah, they were
chalk and cheese, really,
when you analyse it like that.
The Lismore Theatre Club
was a very kind of vibrant community.
I think it was a place where
a lot of people could kind of
have some fun
and have this social connection.
Most of our friends at that time
belonged to the Theatre Club.
[Jill] And Carolyn had never
previously been in the Theatre Club.
But I think she envied the fun we had.
And so she auditioned.
Is it cold being a ghost?
No, I don't think so.
What happens if I touch you?
I doubt if you can.
Do you want to?
Oh, Elvira!
[Kathryn] 'Blithe Spirit' is a play
written by Noel Coward.
It's about a man who is haunted
by the ghost of his dead wife.
The ghost is played by my mum - Carolyn.
You are here, aren't you?
You're not an illusion?
I may be an illusion,
but I'm most definitely here.
[Kathryn] And her husband
is played by Allen Ennew.
You must promise me that in future
you'll only come and talk to me
when I'm alone.
[man] My dear Madame Arcati.
[woman] I'm afraid I'm rather late.
[Kathryn] And also in this play
was Allen's wife, Madeline,
who is playing a psychic.
I may have to go into a slight trance,
but if I do, pay no attention.
[sombre music plays]
[exhales heavily]
[Clare] The last time I was here
was when 'Blithe Spirit'
was a production.
Mmm. There's Dad.
It's a very typical
'Dad in Theatre Club' look.
There's Mum.
You know, my dad loved this place.
He loved acting.
And Mum did too. She was a good actor.
There's the program there.
Who's in it.
And then...
a bunch of photos, so...
It's this one.
There's a couple like this,
with Dad and Carolyn.
Just this moment caught
where they're looking at each other
and I just go, "Yeah."
You know, that's the sort of vibe
that my mum would've got hold of.
Because the emotions were real, right?
They weren't just acting.
[Kathryn] I don't know all the details
of what went on there.
But definitely a relationship
was developing
and a friendship and an attraction.
The silliest thing I ever did
in my whole life was to love you.
[Jill] They say a grand passion
is like an insanity,
and it was for both of them.
I came because the power
of Charles's love
tugged and tugged and tugged at me.
Didn't it, my sweet?
Yes, there was a lot of
sneaking around,
which happens in an affair.
But lots of presents
and flowers and gifts.
I did have to keep a secret.
I could see how happy they both were.
I mean, I cared deeply
for Madeline as well,
so that was very difficult.
[Jill] The risks that Allen Ennew
and Carolyn took,
the notes that were left on the
telegraph pole at the end of the road,
on her car...
I saw one at the supermarket
when I was there one day.
Walked past her car
and there was one of these notes.
[man] "My dearest, most precious Carolyn,
"I love you."
[woman] "You are a wonderful man.
"Kind, thoughtful, understanding."
[man] "I love the thoughts
of our ultimate togetherness,
"which I now see as inevitable."
Allen Ennew had moved out of his home
and had rented a little flat.
Madeline wasn't coping at all.
She lost a lot of weight very quickly.
[Jill] I remember one day she told me
she was going to kill herself.
I said, "Oh, you can't do that."
Her two boys were
at university in Sydney.
Her daughter, Clare, was 18.
She said she couldn't be jilted,
she couldn't be left on her own
as someone left
for the younger person.
She couldn't deal
with that humiliation.
And I spoke to my GP, and he said
what people used to say in those days.
He said, "Oh, if they talk about it,
they don't do it."
And he was a well-meaning man,
but that was wrong.
Allen found the body.
And she'd organised
so that Clare wasn't home that night.
And, sure enough,
everything in the house was tip-top.
Food was made for her own funeral.
[sniffles]
In her letter to me,
'cause she wrote suicide letters,
she told me not to blame my father,
and, honestly, I don't.
I don't blame anyone in this story.
It's just really hard
being the child of that story.
You know?
It's all very tragic
to think about the fact
that these two women in this play
are now dead,
and the ways that they died.
Carolyn was...
she was devastated by it
and felt incredible guilt.
I would say that Allen Ennew,
he was very sad about Madeline
and it was a traumatic
and hideous thing that happened
and he found her.
But he was so obsessed
with the fact that one day
Carolyn would come to him,
and so he bought this big house.
That was going to be the home
with lots of bedrooms
so that they could have
all their children there
eventually at times.
That was his idea.
No one wanted to be divorced.
No one wanted
to leave their husband.
Because there was a lot of stigma
in the community.
Not today,
but back in the '70s, dead right.
And '80s.
If she left the marriage,
she was concerned what, I guess,
the parents of her students, the church...
She felt enormous shame
for going against
what she'd been taught
as far as her religion was concerned.
Religion was a big part
of growing up in the '50s and '60s.
Huge. You know? Everybody.
It was rare for a family
not to go to church.
[Jill] When she told us
that Allan Stuckey had found out,
I thought, "Right, now,
something will happen now.
"Either she will stay with him
or she'll go with Allen Ennew."
But at least it's not this
terrible, dangerous game
that they were still playing.
[man] "You've distanced yourself
and made me resentful
"by taunting me with Allen Ennew.
"If you do not love me,
"then I cannot go on
to even try to work things out."
My mum decided to stay with my dad.
And he made her swear on the Bible
and he wrote vows for her to take.
[woman] "I swear never to say
or do anything again to hurt you."
"I swear never to lie
to my husband Allan ever again."
"I swear that the affair
is over completely
"and that I will never
do anything directly or indirectly
"to have any type
of relationship with him again.
"I swear to love, honour
and cherish you
"for the rest of my days."
I asked her if she was
worried for her own safety.
And she said no. No.
She said, "I'm not. But I am worried
what he might do to Allen Ennew."
[man] "Allen, if you
should have any thoughts
"of trying to rekindle the relationship
"or even getting in touch with her
in any way,
"then I will tell you now
you will join your wife."
[Vicki] But she was very unhappy.
She... Well, she'd just had a baby.
Um...
It must've been so stressful for her.
And she had two little boys as well.
[woman] "My darling Allen,
"to choose to go to you
meant the disruption of a family,
"gossip and talk about
the cause of Madeline's death.
"To stay with Allan
meant unbearable pain for you.
"For me, it meant an ache inside
"which I know will be with me
every day for the rest of my life."
She'd supposedly
broken off with Allen Ennew,
it was over,
suddenly she was seeing him again.
And I said, "Allan Stuckey
will not let her go without a fight."
We always knew
that he was a man
who would not be able to accept it.
Like a lot of people, I suppose.
And then he puts
a private detective on her? Good God!
She thought Allan Stuckey
had, um, been having her followed.
I think she said
a "little grey Volkswagen".
"I think I'm being followed."
Um, to which I just thought,
"Oh, my God, where's that gonna go?"
There's absolutely no excuse
for that behaviour.
Monitoring someone's movements
is a huge indicator of family violence,
of coercive control.
I find it really disturbing
that he did that.
That he felt justified in doing that.
[man] "My darling,
"I'm going to ask you again
for the complete peace of mind -
"have you had any contact
since your vows?
"I beg you, I implore you,
do not tell me a lie."
"It is the most important question
you will ever answer."
"All I know is
I love you more than anything.
"Allan."
I happened to be in the station
on 31st January 1985
when the phone rang, and I answered it.
There was a male voice
on the other end of the phone.
Very calmly said,
"It's Allan Stuckey from 5 Banksia Court,
Lismore Heights."
And I said,
"Yes, Allan, how can we help you?"
And he said, "You'd better come up.
I've just shot my wife."
You know, when you did your training
at the Police Academy
one of the things
that I do remember very clearly
that they instilled in young police
was that domestic violence incidents,
attending those
was the most dangerous situation
that we would go to.
Of course, you know, I was anxious
approaching the house
under those circumstances.
And, you know, we went into the house
and Allan Stuckey was sitting
in the kitchen at a bench.
He was just sitting there calmly,
sipping coffee from a mug
as though nothing had happened.
It was... Yeah, it was quite surreal.
I walked into the main bedroom
and there was a double bed to the right.
At the foot of the bed
was a female person.
It was quite shocking, obviously,
what had happened, to start with,
but also having the, you know,
the three children in the house
at the time.
And... yeah.
By good fortune, perhaps,
nothing happened to them at the time.
I was teaching
down the other end of the peninsula here.
Out on the playground on duty
and my husband pulled up.
I said, "What are you doing here?"
He said, "Oh, I've got
some terrible news to tell you."
I turned the radio on. Next to the bed.
And it said, uh...
that a 32-year-old Lismore woman
had been shot dead overnight.
Police were at the scene in Goonellabah.
And we knew.
It was fairly hysterical in our house.
There was...
We were incredibly upset.
Allan had killed Carolyn.
And, as a child, I just had no concept
of what that... how that could happen.
I can still remember the feeling
and thinking, "Oh, my God,
I could've stopped this."
That was something I think
a lot of people thought.
In a case like that, a murder,
or an unlawful killing of someone,
we call out the detectives,
they come to the scene,
they take over the investigation.
The lead investigator
was Detective Sergeant Don Cuell.
Senior Constable Will Palmer
rang me at home.
Told me that there'd been a shooting
and a lady was deceased.
We, uh, went back to the police station
where he was interviewed
in the presence of his solicitor.
Given some of the answers and whatnot,
I'd say that he'd ran through
a lot of the possible situations
with his solicitor prior.
Which he's entitled to do.
[policeman] For the information
of this record of interview,
what is your full name?
[man] Allan James Stuckey.
I had reason to doubt her fidelity,
and I engaged a private investigator
to check her movements.
[policeman] Can you tell me
what happened?
[man] She admitted that she had been
with Allen Ennew on that day.
She said she couldn't give him up.
[policeman] What did you do?
[man] I took the rifle from my study
and raced back to the bedroom.
She screamed
and grabbed the barrel of the rifle
and we struggled.
Shots were fired.
[policeman] When did you load this rifle?
[man] I was going to shoot
a flying fox a couple of months ago,
and that's when.
[policeman]
Did you leave the magazine loaded
with live cartridges in this rifle
in your study?
[man] Yes, but it was
right back behind the bed
so that it's not easy
for anybody to get at.
[policeman] What happened then?
[man] I had a shower
and tried to compose my mind
and work out
if I should kill myself or not.
I rang my sister to ask her
to come and collect my children
and it occurred to me that
there was a debt that I hadn't paid,
and that was to the private investigator.
And I rang his residence to tell him
that his money was in the work safe.
I didn't want to feel
that I had left some money owing.
[policeman] You have explained to us
your wife's affair
with the person Allen Ennew.
Is that the only reason you can give us
for this shooting having taken place?
[man] Yes.
And considerations allied to it, yes.
[policeman] Is there anything further you
wish to say in relation to this matter?
[man] Just that the affair
has been going on for two years.
That's all.
[Kathryn] I was three months old.
My brothers were four and eight.
And to have the children
in the house when he did it.
I mean...
you can't imagine that scene.
I don't think you can make sense of it.
It's unforgivable.
Should never have happened.
Um...
I mean,
the type of thing that was going on
happens all the time.
People don't die for it.
After he was charged with murder,
Allan Stuckey was bailed.
The reason he would've got bail is
because of his standing in the community.
He was a chemist. No prior convictions.
His young children were still there
and he's not gonna decamp.
So Stuckey got bail.
Went back to work, I think.
Well, my dad was charged with murder.
Um...
But the trial
wasn't for a year and a half.
It was quite surprising to me, I think,
when I realised that
my brothers and I were at home
with my dad a lot of that time.
He was able to get out,
resume a normal life
with his children,
with his three young children,
back in his house
in Lismore Heights
and go back as a practising pharmacist
of all things.
Despite the fact
that he had killed Carolyn
he still had the legal right
to dispose of her body as her husband.
And he just simply
had her cremated instantly
with no ceremony.
And nobody had a chance to recognise
what had happened
or to say goodbye to her.
It was just as though
she'd been put out with the rubbish.
I've always wanted to know
everything about it.
You know, like,
everything surrounding it.
And I've always wanted to know
what happened, how it happened,
why it happened.
That's been a lifelong journey.
I want to understand
where we were and where I was
and what happened afterwards,
and why the decisions that were made
were made.
So, part of it is just wanting to know
about my own life
and know information
and put those puzzle pieces together.
[woman] So, this is the trial transcript.
And are you feeling okay
about looking at it now?
I am.
I feel a little bit nervous about it.
- Mmm.
- Um... I don't know.
There's a part of me
that sort of wants information
and, like, sort of wants to look at it
and then a part of me that finds it
quite, you know, upsetting.
- Absolutely.
- So, um...
So, in this trial
your father argued
that he acted in response to provocation.
The provocation in this case
was said to be
that Carolyn was having an affair.
They're arguing that a person's actions
contributed to their death.
Yeah.
The provocation defence
is actually a partial defence.
It will reduce your culpability
from murder to manslaughter.
The guideline of the provocation
and the evidence required
is that it comes back to
what an ordinary person would do
under those circumstances.
So, in other words, you and I,
would we react the same way
as Allan Stuckey acted
given the circumstances?
People's marriages break down.
I'm a lawyer.
And I hate being a family lawyer,
but somebody's gotta do it.
And it happens all the time.
But you don't turn around
and kill your spouse.
[man 1] Your full name is?
[man 2] William Arthur Barclay.
A consultant psychiatrist
now in private practice.
[man 1] Are you able to express an opinion
as to whether that conduct
could have induced an ordinary person
to lose self-control
in psychiatric terms?
[man 2] Yes, I believe so.
There was a certain element of, um,
if someone was wronged in that way
then they could be excused
for not being able to control themselves.
Does an ordinary person get a gun,
which is already in the house, loaded,
with three young children in the place?
Does an ordinary person do that?
And does an ordinary person
shoot his wife?
And does an ordinary person
have a shower,
ring a friend, ring his solicitor?
Does an ordinary person do that?
The person that they've killed
is no longer able
to give their side of the story
or talk about what they went through.
- Mmm.
- It's very one sided.
And it's highly critical of that person.
And then at the same time
you also get people giving evidence
about the positive characteristics
of the accused.
[Kathryn] Yeah.
[man] When you spoke to your brother,
can you describe
how he appeared to you to be?
[woman] Extremely upset.
[man] What sort of person is your brother?
[woman] A very serious minded,
very moral, quiet, shy,
very idealistic person.
I also think very naive.
[man] Is he a violent sort of person?
[woman] No, no, not at all.
He loved the children, he always has.
[man] Did he ever express to you
the view he took of marriage?
[woman] That marriage is a sacred thing.
[Kathryn] It seemed so odd to me
that none of her friends
got to speak for her, at least.
Because she wasn't able to speak.
So, it's like there were other people
who could've at least
spoke to her character
and given some indication
of what she was going through.
I just... Yeah.
Yeah, it becomes a very one-sided
sort of view of what happens
in that situation.
- Doesn't it?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Sometimes the prosecution
could go much further
in the way that they approach this
and in trying to ask questions
and get more information
about that context.
They don't always understand
the dynamics of family violence themselves
and the importance of it
for understanding
what happens in domestic homicides.
What we really needed in this trial
as far as the prosecution was concerned,
we needed someone
that was going to get in there
and fight like a bulldog
and shake their head and carry on.
And unfortunately
we finished up with a golden retriever.
I was appalled at the lack of prosecution.
I mean, I remember
sitting in the back of the court
and just thinking, "Oh, my God!"
The worst thing
about trying to recover from this
for all of us
was that there was
so much shock and horror
because she was this "scarlet woman".
We would hear, indirectly,
about the outrage, about what
this woman had done to this poor chap,
not what this chap
had done to this poor woman.
Yeah, I just think
there was this mind-set that...
she's the villain in all this,
she's done the wrong thing.
And, in a sense - I hate to say it -
but some of those people, I'm sure,
think she got what she deserved.
[Deborah]
So there's quite a lot of evidence
in relation to the ballistics,
what sort of weapon was used
and how that weapon is operated.
[Don] Carolyn was shot three times.
Once in the abdomen, twice in the head.
Oh. This one's gonna be really graphic.
[Don] After the first shot,
she's wounded and lying on the floor.
And she wouldn't have died from
that shot either, the doctors have said.
Surely,
he should've realised what he's doing.
Two more times he cocked that gun
and fired it again.
And this is a bolt-action gun.
A bolt-action .22 rifle.
So, it's not like a semi-automatic
where you just have to pull the trigger.
There was a manual requirement
to reload that gun.
Or you could probably just
do it like that. That's one. Bang!
Two.
It's a very deliberate action.
That's what I'm trying to say.
[Deborah] Yeah, there is quite a lot
in the trial transcript
about whereabouts in the house
the shooting occurred.
There's a map that's been provided
as part of the evidence.
Let's see that there.
This was my bedroom.
This is my dad's room still.
All the way through my life.
I go into this room every day
that she was...
you know, lying here dying.
And just...
- [Deborah] Yeah, that's horrible.
- Yeah. It's awful.
[man] He was, undoubtedly, at all times
a man of exceptional character
and obvious good standing
in the community.
The prisoner's control of himself
over a lengthy period
ultimately snapped
when his wife told him
she could not give up her lover.
In the circumstances,
some response on his part
would not have been unreasonable.
However,
to shoot the deceased three times
was hardly proportionate
to the devastating verbal message.
It was greater
than the circumstances warranted.
In my view, the prisoner is unlikely
to again offend against the law.
The prisoner's strong, subjective matters,
unlike many other cases,
provide the basis
for specifying a non-parole period
which will give him the opportunity
of resuming his life in the community
and with his children
at a reasonably early time.
Allan James Stuckey,
on the charge
on which the jury has convicted you,
I sentence you
to penal servitude for eight years.
I specify a non-parole period
of three years.
[hushed murmuring]
"She, like, sort of made me do it.
"She ran off... you know,
went off with another man."
It was all, "Poor me, poor me,
I'm the victim here."
Yeah, it makes me really furious, actually.
I have difficulty reconciling the fact
that this matter resulted in
a conviction for manslaughter.
I really do.
But, of course,
I have to accept the court's decision.
That's the system of justice
that we have in this country.
Even though we don't have
provocation defence available
in most states in Australia anymore,
we still see the same explanations
for why men acted the way
they did in these cases.
The provocation narrative
can still be used
to understand their actions
when they're considering sentencing.
I asked him one time, like...
said something about the fact
that he had never apologised to us.
And he was, like,
"I don't owe you or anyone an apology."
- [Deborah] Wow.
- Like...
The absence of the impact on the children
- is really striking as well.
- Yeah.
It felt like a real sense of, like,
what's best for my father
and really centred around him
rather than thinking about us
and the long-term impacts
of the decisions that were made.
The actual conclusion of that drama
was catastrophic
for the children especially.
So these are, um, letters
that my dad wrote me
when he was in prison.
So I was probably about
two or three years old.
Most of them are, um...
...like, pictures of birds
that my dad has drawn.
Or trees.
"Dear Kathryn,
"it is Sunday here as I'm writing this
and the weather is very poor.
"There is a big fog all over the camp
"and it is just so thick
it is almost like rain.
"This is a kookaburra.
"See his big, strong beak for eating meat.
"Sometimes they eat snakes
"and their song is just like a laugh.
"Love, Dad."
My father served 22 months
for killing my mother.
On his release, my brothers and I
went back to live with him.
I was about four years old.
[Jan] I was appalled that he could
be given custody of the children.
I cannot understand
how the court made an order
that she was to live with her father.
I really cannot understand that.
So, this is a picture of me
in primary school.
I excelled at school
and I had a lot of friends
and I enjoyed it.
But it felt like a different world
when I went home.
I felt a real disconnect between
what I was showing people
and what I was experiencing internally.
I wasn't allowed to talk about my mother.
There weren't photos.
There weren't stories.
I didn't have any sense of who she was.
Her name was never mentioned.
The story that I was told
was that she had done this awful thing,
he had snapped and then he killed her
and really framed
as this sort of accident.
I feel like there was
a really significant shift
in my relationship with my dad
when I went to high school.
I really felt like I'd become someone
that he really didn't like.
Where there was this sense
of, like, entitlement and control
and that if you step outside
of this little box
that he's kind of put you in,
then you become
this huge disappointment
and you're uncontrollable.
I knew that I had to be a certain way,
show that I was fine,
even if I was suffering.
Feeling like at any moment
love will be withdrawn.
I just remember
bumping into her one day
and I knew it was her birthday
and I took her around to the cafe
and we had an ice chocolate
and we had a chat.
She told me that she understood
that her mother
was leaving her and the boys.
And I just said, "No, that's not true."
[inhales deeply]
[tearfully] That's what her father
had told her.
Um...
And I told her...
...that there was no way
her mother would've left her.
And the lies that she'd been told
were just... not right.
When I was 16,
I needed to get my passport.
And I needed
to get a death certificate.
And so it was the first time
I actually had seen
her cause of death, like, written down.
Which was something like "the effects
of a gunshot wound to the head".
Which was incredibly confronting
for me at 16
because nobody
had ever said that to me.
They hadn't actually said, like,
"This is how she died."
I remember that feeling
of reading that death certificate
and being really shocked at,
I guess, the bluntness of it.
But just also that
that was what it was.
You know? Um...
That my dad had shot her in the head.
That knowledge made me realise
that I was unsafe, actually.
Like, physically unsafe.
And it's not...
It's like I felt that before.
But I had this example
of like how far he could go.
I felt scared of my dad at that time.
And what he could do.
Because I was also just living
on my own with him at that point.
My brothers had left home.
And I think, why didn't anyone else,
why didn't the adults, you know,
ask some questions, check in?
All of those things.
It's not like people didn't know
that that was fucking strange.
That was a weird thing
that we were growing up
in the house that our mother was killed
with the man that killed her.
I think there was an assumption
that everything was fine.
Everyone wanted it to be fine.
So I thought, "Well, if I'm not fine,
"then something's wrong with me,
not them."
I started having nightmares
about her death.
Like, very graphic nightmares
about, um, her being shot
in this house that I was living in.
And it was also just, like,
my everyday house.
You know, like, come home from school
and make myself a snack
and, you know, sometimes
I would watch something with my dad
and it was funny and we'd laugh and...
It was just my life.
And it was also terrifying at times.
Yeah.
I knew that to have any sort of peace
that I needed to leave Lismore.
And I finished my last exam,
packed up my stuff
one day when my dad was at work
and just left.
I actually don't remember
saying goodbye to my dad at all.
So I went to Sydney.
And moved in
with my cousin Elle and the family.
And we went to uni together
at Sydney Uni.
At some point, I got a job
at Sydney Theatre Company,
and that's where I met Tanya.
Kathryn's my best friend,
my former partner.
We met in 2008.
Neither of us had been
in a queer relationship before.
So our falling in love
was a really beautiful time
and also complicated time.
We had, like, a great crew of friends
that we spent time with
and saw a lot of art.
We were super broke,
but it was a beautiful kind of love story
and then also, like...
interwoven with a lot of trauma
and pain, I guess.
I felt like I would leave behind
everything that had happened,
including that feeling of...
I guess, you know, depression.
I just assumed that that would go away
once I was out of the house
and away from my dad.
And...
it didn't.
In fact, it felt worse.
I was more depressed.
I was really depressed.
I don't think
I've ever seen Kathryn asleep.
And we were together for four years.
Insomnia and nightmares
were a big part of our life.
They would sit bolt upright
and they would be screaming.
It was a guttural scream.
And they would be shaking, hyperventilating.
It was just fear.
Just... just fear.
How anyone thought
that he could raise those kids
in the home where he killed Carolyn
and then have one of them grow up
with physical likeness to this person
and for people not to think
that there was going to be
some problems there,
perplexes me.
My father was still
in regular contact with me
and writing me letters
that were pretty awful.
Some days we would be
going about our days
in our tiny little apartment
and it was like living
with someone that wasn't there.
Like, they were the closest person
to me in the world,
so when they did disappear...
it was difficult.
And I didn't know what to do.
And it was during that time
that I went through
a lot of things in my life.
A break-up with Tanya.
That brought a lot of grief, um...
and loss into my... to my world.
So I started going to therapy,
like, really seriously for the first time.
And really started
dealing with my childhood.
So, in 2013
I dropped my surname, Stuckey.
And I made my middle name
my surname, which is Joy.
And Joy was my mum's middle name.
Part of it was not wanting
to just be easily tracked down
by my father.
And then there was
really embracing my mum
and that side of the family.
[birds twittering]
I always felt like
I wasn't going to be around for very long.
Like I was going to have a short life.
Like my mum.
I worked out how old she was
when she was killed.
Which was 32 years,
nine weeks and six days.
And I worked out what date
that will be for me.
And it's 27th December 2016.
So I have a cut-off date in my head.
And I have about six months.
I've always just assumed
that I would die sometime before then.
That's... that's it for me.
Part of feeling like
I'm not going to be here next year
is not having a mother
to kind of see what that looks like,
what that next part looks like
and getting older looks like.
And a lot of people
look to their parents for that.
But part of it, I think, is just that I...
feel like we're somehow the same person.
And that's probably not the healthiest
thing in the world. [heavy exhale]
[sighing softly]
So it's like 2 a.m. or something
and... I can't sleep because...
I've never been able
to take sleeping pills
because they give me these nightmares.
I feel like having them around
is probably not a good idea.
So...
[exhales softly]
I'm supposed to be at therapy today.
I had to cancel it
because I can't afford to go.
Like, I'm 32 and I can't pay my rent.
I think that's enough for today.
[sniffles]
I really didn't want to do this today
because I feel awful and...
[sighs]
...and I'm afraid of...
not coming out of it.
[sniffles]
[exhales]
Today is December 26th.
So, tomorrow...
I will be the exact age that my mother was
when she was killed.
[Kathryn] So, today is New Year's Day
and I'm alive.
So that's... kind of strange.
I've just realised how many people
in my life are willing to help.
And it's a really beautiful thing, so...
I guess, just thinking about
the next couple of months,
thinking about how I'm going to survive.
And some of those things
are just kind of practical things
to do with work and finding another job.
[sighs]
I think I need to learn to drive.
I will...
...I guess, be back tomorrow.
For such a long time
the only thing
that I knew about my mum
was the way that she died.
Then that became
my whole relationship with her.
It's been really important to me
for her to exist as a person who lived
and not just a person who was killed.
I decided that I wanted
to write to some people
and, like, ask them...
...what my mum was like.
So, we're going to Brisbane
to meet Anne McKinnon.
A friend of my mum's.
I'm excited
because I never really knew
what happened to her.
We couldn't get a lot of information.
We lost our friend,
but you don't know
what happened to the children.
I probably had never thought about it
from the point of view of the child.
Their feelings
and what their lives turned out like.
[Kathryn] When my mum was younger,
I think they studied together
at teachers' college,
from what I know.
So, it'll be nice to hear about...
...I guess, those days
before my mum was a mother too.
You know? Just her as a younger person.
May I hug you? Is that okay?
Perfectly. Oh, you beautiful girl.
I just wanted you stand next to me
like Mum and I.
[gasps] Oh, my goodness!
- [Anne] You're a little bit taller. Look.
- [Kathryn] Wow!
- [Anne] That's going to the ball.
- [Kathryn] Oh, that's a beautiful picture.
- [Anne] Oh, we would've been 18.
- [Kathryn] Wow.
- God, you're like her. Oh, my God!
- [laughs]
- It's so nice to see you!
- It's so nice to see you.
- 'Cause we buddied up.
- Mmm.
And we used to just
wake up at ten to 9:00,
put the Levi's on and the gym boots
and tuck our hair in
and jump the fence and go to uni.
We had to go nine to five
in those days.
It was very regimented,
mark the roll, you know.
And she started skipping.
I said,
"You gotta come to Social Studies!"
She goes, "Ohh..."
[Kathryn] Yes! I love this inf...
- I love this, 'cause this is so me.
- And I'd say, "Get up!"
She goes, "Ohh, I can't be bothered."
I said, "Oh, you'll fail." And she did.
- [Kathryn laughs]
- Anyway, she got through it.
- She... Yeah.
- Yeah.
- She was messy.
- I'm really messy too. [laughs]
- Are you messy?
- I'm so messy.
- Show me your hands.
- I'm so untidy.
- You don't get eczema?
- I do, yes, yeah.
So did she.
And this is a recipe.
That's Mum's writing.
Oh, yes! She had such neat writing.
Carolyn. And that's rum cream pie.
I've got a copy of that.
- So you have that.
- Amazing. Oh, thank you.
You have that.
This is my little
treasure trove I got out.
I'm gonna veganise this recipe
and make it. [laughs]
- Well, you keep all those.
- [Kathryn] Thank you.
[Anne] You know,
you're more than welcome.
It was so nice to meet you.
Thank you so much
- It's just been wonderful.
- It's been really lovely.
And I really hope we can catch up again
and stay in touch.
- Thank you. Ohh...
- Give me a big hug.
I decided to get in touch
with Allen Ennew.
He was the man my mother
fell in love with, had an affair with,
and ask some questions about my mum.
[man] "Dear Kathryn,
"the first thing I should mention
regarding our relationship
"is that while it started as an affair,
"it developed into much more.
"Carolyn was
a very special person to me.
"But not only to me
but many friends she had
"and was and is sadly missed
"even after all this time."
I had also received a letter
from Clare during that time.
She contacted me
after she had heard
that I'd reached out to her dad.
And we just became really good friends.
And such a big anchor for me.
While we didn't have the same experience,
there were so many things
that were similar
and there was just a real understanding
of our families and that town
and everything that happened.
I don't think I've ever
really been around here much.
Ahh! Greenwood... That's...
I feel like that name was in the trial.
So, this is the house
where my dad and your mum
we're planning on being together.
So, Dad bought this house thinking
that you and your brothers
would move in here.
And, of course, your mum.
This would've been your home.
- And yours.
- And mine.
Yeah, I mean, I guess it's a different...
whole, like, life that...
...could have been.
And that being, yeah, taken away.
From her and from us.
From all of us.
[sighs]
[Jill] When you said
that you used to think,
"Where are those people
who were my mother's friends?
"Why aren't they helping me?"
I just... You know,
that was devastating to hear that.
I knew your father's animosity
to anyone who was from that time.
But maybe we should've gone past that.
You know, maybe that's...
You know, we should've been brave...
I guess, selfishly we were all
looking after ourselves as well.
- And...
- We were afraid too.
I was scared to ask questions
'cause I didn't know who to ask.
And, like, it was honestly
like it had never happened.
But I just imagined that
every time anywhere you went
that people would have said,
"Oh, you know..."
I'm sure they did.
I mean, that's the thing too.
Growing up knowing that other people...
Well, not even knowing but feeling
like people were talking
about you all the time.
- Did you?
- [Kathryn] Yeah.
You know, we could... [exhales deeply]
...can handle anything
but the silence.
- [Kathryn] Yeah.
- [Jill] Yes.
I hated that everyone
always was so careful.
I mean, I know it was
a protective thing, but that...
Yeah, we... [inhales]
It's like, I've already lived
through the worst of it.
Yeah, the worst part
is not speaking about it.
So, I went back to Banksia Court,
my old street that I grew up in.
But I was with Helen and Lyndel,
my two old neighbours.
[Helen] Wow.
[Lyndel] How do you feel coming back?
And have you been back before?
I think I've driven past once
in the last, you know,
20 years or something.
But I haven't, kind of, stood here and...
[Helen & Lyndel] Yep.
[sighs]
It's... hard.
Yeah.
I remember it being
a really dark house growing up.
I mean, I don't know
if that was my state of mind or...
- But the house itself felt really... Yeah.
- It is a dark house. Yeah.
And I feel like the curtains
were always closed.
Did you notice the difference
between, like, when my mum
was there and after?
Like, did it feel very different?
I remember being here
to look after your brothers, Kathryn,
when your dad took you as a little baby.
And I just was sitting in the house
just feeling the enormity
of what had happened.
And how dark and, you know, um...
You know, your mum was always vibrant
and there'd be snacks
and lots of activity happening
and giggling, and...
The sense was just
that huge contrast between...
you know, this is now and here on.
But I think now we get to grieve that.
- [Kathryn] Mmm.
- Whereas back then we didn't.
Because we didn't know how.
- There she is.
- Oh, there she is.
I feel really angry about the fact
that it says "passed away".
- [Helen] I was just looking at that.
- [Kathryn] It just makes me really mad.
Because he... he did this.
[Lyndel] She'll always be older than me.
I'm 52 and I still look at Carolyn as...
- [Kathryn] I know. Isn't that strange?
- [Lyndel] She's always gonna be...
[Helen] Your mum read this to you
when you were a baby.
"I carry your heart with me.
"I carry it in my heart.
"I am never without it.
"Anywhere I go, you go, my dear..."
[woman, VO]
"And whatever is done by only me
"is your doing, my darling.
"I fear no fate.
"For you are my fate, my sweet.
"I want no world.
"For beautiful you are my world, my true.
"I carry your heart.
"I carry it in my heart."
She loved you so much.
The three of you so, so much.
[Kathryn] I had been having these thoughts
about doing a memorial for my mum.
Make a space for all of us
to talk a bit more about her
and have some ritual around it.
I felt like I needed that.
Like a grief ritual.
And...
And I felt like other people did too.
[birds whistling, twittering]
[Tanya] Kathryn wanted
to do something in Lismore.
To bring together friends and family,
to honour Carolyn.
They ended up
finding this outdoor cathedral.
Which was so beautiful
and, yeah, really connected
Kathryn's kind of
environmental spirituality
and Carolyn's faith.
- [indistinct chatter]
- [Kathryn] They're amazing.
They're just one for each person.
[sighs heavily] Gosh.
[Kathryn] So many people, really,
were just waiting for me to ask.
You know, like, really actually wanted
the opportunity to speak about her.
- Hi! How you going?
- This is my daughter.
So nice to meet you.
- How are you?
- Good to see you.
This is the first photo
of Kathryn's mother.
So, Carolyn would've been
around four to five.
[Kathryn] Ohh. It's a beautiful photo.
Kathryn did an amazing job
of organising the memorial.
She got all sorts of people
came together.
People that I hadn't seen
for years were there.
That made it emotional
because we knew why we were there.
[Tanya] It was also a real time
of connection and beauty
and community.
[Jill Brodie] And it was amazing.
And it was so cathartic
for all of us there.
Emotion was so raw, so real.
It was as if it was a week after
something had happened.
And I'll never forget it.
I just wanted to welcome everyone here.
You probably all know
it's Carolyn's birthday today.
And I feel like maybe if she were here
she would put on
some spectacular dinner party,
she would print out menus.
Her attention to detail,
I have heard, was pretty spot on.
Carolyn, your death came before
the groundswell change of public outrage
at the incidents of domestic violence
that blight our community.
Even now, 30 years later,
I find it difficult to speak without
getting a little bit
of a lump in my throat.
And today is closure for me as well.
And I just... I'm so happy
and so pleased to see you,
the embodiment of your mother,
and with the approach to life that
I think she would be very, very proud of.
I've been trying to put words
to how I feel about my mother
my whole life.
The feeling of being part of her,
and her me,
but also the absence,
of something missing.
Happy anniversary of your birth,
Carolyn Joy.
You have lived in my heart
and mind and body
since the very first moment
I took breath.
[sniffles]
And you will be there until the last.
And in that way, you have lived
far longer than your 32 years.
[sombre piano music plays]
[Kathryn] That my mother died
as a result of family violence,
I didn't think of it that way for so long.
Because there was this idea that
that was just an anomaly
in my dad's behaviour
instead of an actual act
of family violence.
That was also a crime against us.
Or should have been.
That was a really big shift
in my thinking.
I started working on the research project
at Melbourne Uni
that aims to improve support
and better understand
children and young people
who have been bereaved
by a domestic homicide.
Acting in the best interest of the child
is seen as secondary
to ensuring that the accused
gets a fair trial.
But also, how much are they supported
to have agency?
So it's not just about having a voice,
it's actually that that leads to change.
Yeah, it's a bigger issue
than probably people have realised.
[Kathryn] Yeah, totally.
Bev is somebody that I interviewed
for our research project.
I hear a gunshot
and I'm like, "What the hell?"
And I see my mum being shot in the back.
[Kathryn] And how old were you
at this point?
I'm 11 at this point.
I can't remember how many shots in total,
but the final shot was to the head.
I still see that image
pretty much every day.
How do we heal from this experience?
Do we ever really heal?
Where do we stand
and what do we have left to do
here in this space?
Because there is a lot more...
- So much to do. [laughs]
- ...to be done in this space.
And we're gonna do it, Bev.
[Bev] 52 women a year are dying.
These women are mothers, grandmothers,
someone's aunt, someone's friend.
Where are the voices
of those who are left behind?
[Kathryn]
I think that the work that we're doing
and what we're fighting for
will make a difference
to children and young people.
Children are primary victims
in this situation.
Like, it's a direct crime
against them as well.
The men who commit these crimes
are considered intelligent, charming.
They might not fit the stereotype
of what an abuser looks like.
And my dad was those things.
I don't have any relationship
with him anymore and I don't...
I practise very deliberate
non-forgiveness.
I don't know my dad now.
So, I can't really speak
to the person he is now.
But the further away I get
the more clearly I can see
what it's like to be in
an abusive relationship.
And that was an abusive relationship.
So, me wanting to come back to him,
him to be proud of me
and be in his favour,
yes, that's a child wanting that.
But that's also somebody
who is going through the dynamic
of somebody else's push and pull
and somebody else's control.
I don't have him in my head anymore.
So many of the depressive
kind of episodes that I've had
are around that stuff
that I can't change
no matter how much therapy I do.
And that's where activism
comes into my life.
I think, that's where I go,
"Well, I can't just be
doing interior work."
I feel like if you're
gonna live in this world,
you have to do something.
I love the concept of Killjoys.
Of feminist Killjoys, specifically.
Sara Ahmed,
who is an amazing thinker and writer,
and she coined this term.
People who are willing
to sort of not stay quiet about injustice.
And I have been called a killjoy.
And I embrace that.
I think it's a good thing.
I'm not here now
as, like, some healed human.
It's ongoing.
It's always kind of navigating
my mental health
and experiences and trauma.
Being almost 40 now
and realising that my mum
only got to 32...
For me, my thirties have just been
such a huge time
of understanding myself.
And she didn't really get that time.
I think if I could speak to my mum now...
I would... tell her I loved her.
And let her know that...
...my life is, like, so full.
I don't just have to tolerate
being sort of okay.
You know, I'm actually
allowed to feel good.
I'm in a new place where I feel like
I might actually live for a while.
I mean, who knows?
Who knows what will happen?
[sombre piano music plays]
[light chatter and laughter fade out]