Kummeli Stories (1995) Movie Script
Timo, hey.
-Yes?
Could you turn on the projector?
-It's on
Where those hairs come from?
Again there's one on the lens
I don't know.
-Red hair
And it's curly.
-It's your erogenous hair
It's not, it's armpit hair
It is your penis hair,
blow it away
Good evening
Finnish trucker Reino Laakso -
has ended up in open conflict -
at Luxembourg's border station
A truck full of carrots has been -
denied entry to
the country by the customs
with too weak arguments
according to Laakso
Here're some great carrots
for Luxembourgians
(German gibberish)
What is loss?
Here's the car papers
Filthy car
Oh damn. You see, for 20 years -
I have done this work
and one thing I've learned -
is that to never give up
If need to deliver carrots to
Luxembourg I'm going to finish it
(gibberish)
Laakso's numerous contact attempts -
have been shrugged off
by Luxembourg's government
It's so that you can keep the carrots
Finland's EU-Commissioner
Erkki Liikanen disapproves -
both Laakso's and
Luxembourg goverment's actions
I think, I have to,
with this note -
touch my arse
I see
Luxembourgian ministers
have performed -
rituals that dishonor Finnishness
Klaus, just look.
-Good job
Finnish government has given
Luxembourg goverment -
an ultimatum. If profanity
doesn't come to an end -
Finland threatens
to adopt further secret measures
Esa.
-Moth has cocooned
Fox acknowledges
Listen up, it's best now
that girls go home
What? I haven't got anything yet
And Jari as well
Open, open away
Pirjo, could you
hand over those forceps
Open
Open, open, open
Kariluoto.
-Moth has cocooned
Hare acknowledges
Ilmo, Ilmo, you have a call
Ilmo
Lynx acknowledges
Mom, I must go now
-Oh my goodness
So this is what it meant when my
buttocks began to tickle terribly
Boy goes to war
Ilmo, Ilmo, I brought
you some lunch box
Oh you, mom
Don't worry about me,
I take care of myself
I'll be back by the hay-making
-So said you father -
and he only went to deliver
milk churns, never returned
Captain Rankkanen,
captain Rankkanen -
your suit has arrived
from washing
At ease
Fox?
-Here
Hare?
-Here
Lynx?
-Here
Cigarette man is always cigarette man
Your mission -
is to strike enemy's living
and materialistic force -
everywhere in the areas
that they are ruling
This mouse-shit here
is Luxembourg -
An area about the size of Forssa.
Know that -
even at this very moment they
are fucking us pretty harshly
It's the end now!
The mission will be accomplished
quickly and efficiently -
after which you will exit the area
according to your own judgment
Air Force will transport you
to the enemy's airspace
At 19:30 your parachutes
will open, any questions?
Check your clocks
Dismissed!
And remember!
Today the shit rang here too
and called me gay
Even if I was gay -
there's no need to tell it to me
Oh Sibelius,
oh, Juha Mieto...
Please
Please
Dear passengers, prepare
to jump in 30 seconds
Weather is beautiful
at Luxembourg, but partly cloudy
Captain Rantala and crew
wish a successful jump
The most important is that
we were not detected
It's only an advantage
Have to burrow.
-And fast
Watch out, right side
Don't recall me,
I take care of my plot
This is quite rally
No boys, rally is
something very different
He has bought some
random tires worth 50 marks -
from some junkyard
When Stefa installs it's precise.
-As always
There's no time to lose now.
-As always
What?
What, what?
It's fun to have spot check here
It's joy to give you fines
Radar stops you,
it stimulates us
Here's the end of your ride
It's fun to breathalyze drunkards
We are hepaticas of the roads
We may loosen your plates,
it refreshes us -
if can dry up the licence
Fines, fines,
great fines
We don't skimp,
we gladly give -
fines, fines,
fines to everybody
Come and get yours
Hey dudes, you hear?
You hear me?
Yes we hear
Quite cold is here,
quite cold is here
Yes. -Shall we exchange?
Shall we exchange?
In a minute. -Let's exchange
already. Let's exhange already
In a minute
Dudes, now some 96 comes
at least 600 mph
I guess it's red, perhaps red
To what hell's rally
are you going to?
Nordics rally
Red Opel Kadett HKR-420,
child is screaming inside
Release the child
Have a good rally to you
Girls, after the final race
at the hotel a bit...
You are just awful
Hi there
This is the place for signing up?
Oh fuck, I have eaten
cabbage casserole 4 days straight -
my stomach's upset.
-Class, certificate and licence
A-group.
-Have you got any charcoal tablets -
my stomach's messed up
Sorry but I only have
a full tube of rectal wax
These are fine, have a
good rally. -Yes thanks
Was there any trouble?
-Nope
Well what then? -I was just
looking at those other teams
Well what about them?
-They are quite clowns
Sure are
...already 35 times
Five, four, three,
two, one, drive
Oh darn.
-Go to push
Moisio, third gear, clutch down -
when car moves, clutch up
Clutch... Brake
Right, different fast,
left, different fast
75 right, flat out
Over 50, jump, right fast
Where are we?
Bottom of the bank,
right's okay, left down, up
Left full speed forward,
not fast
Left fast, this is most of all
goddamn curvy road
Pull your owns.
-Right
I could pull one cigarette
during this interval
If okay?
-Hey, this stick snapped
Well then, let's replace it.
Stefa will do
That's precise
Hey, clutch's gone.
Could you steer? -Okay
To right
To left.
-Stefa
New clutch. Stefa's working on it
That's precise.
-Right
Hey, cigarette dropped
Bench is burning.
-Stefa will take care of it
Foam to the eggs
I'm foamed all over
Ha, ha, looking good
Really fast, hundred
Right down,
left full speed
Really embarrassing to say but...
Of course you can go and pee now
May Day drink is?
That's mead
Mead
"Tsorry."
-That's ok
It was very difficult
and hard race
We had some troubles
with the tires
But the team is
working very fine -
and I'm drinking and
fucking all the time
I heard that Carlos
is coming very strong
Anyway I think that if I try my
best we're gonna win this race
Tomorrow of course I'm
gonna have lot of troubles -
because I'm gonna have
hangover and some other diseases
But I think that anyway
it's gonna be alright
Well boys, there's
nothing to worry about
We are less than 5 minutes
behind the second last
I'll put 20x bigger nozzles -
and I think we'll make it
to winner's podium
That's great when team functions
well and we get feedback
We have had good thing going today
We come strong and
aggressively to the curves
But need to get out of there
Lampinen, you have to be able
to tighten your map reading
It's great when team functions
well and we get feedback
And need to give that to you
What do you think those
other teams are doing?
They also give feedback
to their drivers
It's not enough to
be born as winner -
but we need to polish the diamond
You know?
-Yeah
Did we come here to
win or lose? -We did
Lampinen, hey?
-Yeah
Go to reserve those
hotel rooms now -
so we can get some sleep.
-Okay. Give money
What money? -Give cash
Take from the sponsor funds.
-Which sponsor fund?
This car is full of stickers.
You have sold advertizing space...
Lampinen, tell me what is sponsoring?
Sponsoring?
-Yes?
It's a kind of modern marketing -
where athlete or someone such -
obtains stickers or fabric brands
Right. I see
Don't say that you have
let the stickers to be -
glued on the car for free!
-No, I sure paid for them
Hey, the main thing is,
that the team works, yes?
I'm going to pee now
After that we'll take
one more tier
Then we all go to
a restaurant to eat lamb
So those boys slept
their night in the car
They didn't mind
That's how they
had done it before
Look at that, I guess
we are last right in the morning
They trusted their
mechanic like stone wall
Because he knew his red Saab
like his own mother
I have had -99 model
But that's different.
-I know that
That mechanic didn't
run out of tricks
I left the keys inside by the way
Wouldn't have needed the second one
If Stefa takes care, it's precise
Let it be
With this the competition
will get fiercer -
because I'm pouring nitro
into the fuel tank, Moisio
Thank you
Yes, this kind of lighter bodywork -
needs a little bit wider tires
50 full speed up
(unclear driving instructions)
50 over hillock
Right fast, 100 down
What? What you said?
(gibberish)
Well this is clear advantage to us
Spare weight away, Stefa leaves
Fuck, I think
they won't come anymore
No they won't come,
let's take the rag down -
and let's go home
I wonder what yummy my wife
has made from potatoes today?
Oh fuck, surely we have
fucking dill meat again
Wait now, we'll make it
together to the finish line
It's quite a bit the same, are
we doing it together or separate
Stefa takes care, it'll be precise.
-Right
Yea, that is precise
Like that
Oh, hey, coming
So they do
Let's go to watch Cindy Crawford
video at my trailer
I keep myself fit with that
No, no, need no,
we need no team, nor group
No, no, we don't follow Vatanen
Leather suit doesn't squeeze balls,
this is heavenly rally
Now the end is spark plug changing
and messing with the oil
Map reading was shitty job,
never learnt it
Couldn't care less, whole
stepping on the gas pisses me off
Now past is cruising,
devil's gnashing has come to an end
No, no, we need no team, nor group
No, no, we don't follow Vatanen
Leather suit doesn't squeeze balls,
this is heavenly rally
No, no, we need no team, nor group
No, no, we don't follow Vatanen
Leather suit doesn't squeeze balls,
this is heavenly rally
Try and hit the right once in awhile
I guess I have eyes on my head
Yes, two and third in the ass
Boys, come to eat
They are seriously
trying to rush through
We'll make them
quiet down eventually
Alright then, welcome to the
inauguration of the dugout
There's like wedding here or what?
Here's ammo and supplies storage.
-Yea-a
On the left,
naturally next to the door -
gun rack
I laid 1.5 meters of
concrete above -
so it's nice to loll here
I was thinking if
Kari would sleep here
This is stove, don't
burn your ass, it's hot
Whose rario is that?
It is radio.
-So
Alright, here's the holiest
of the holies, the dining area
Ilmo, if you could sleep there -
then I could sleep there
in the corner
This is rather practical -
but quite conventional
This sort of shitty outhouses
these have been for 50 years
But this isn't even ready yet
Or what Esa?
-No
I cooked some whitefish for you
I don't like fish at all
Wife ordered me to say that
I'm allergic to fish
Nevertheless I did it according
to couple city boys' recipe
Naked, naked,
soon everyone are naked,
Naked, naked...
-Very good evening to everyone
And welcome to watch
entertainment show: Naked
For fifth week in a row
in the studio -
brothers Kulkerson Kille and Kalle
And their opponent today -
gentleman who doesn't
pee to his socks: -
mister Jortikka
What made you decide to
take part in this?
I didn't have any idea to come -
but our neighbor Pete Mulkvisti
registered us here
Very nicely done by Pete.
What hobbies you have?
Well, mainly graphics.
-What sort of graphics?
Pornographics
Lovely hobby and now to
the business, a question:
Who was the first person -
who performed naked on screen?
Mister Jortikka has an answer.
-Buster Keaton
Wrong answer, sock off!
I'm embarrassed for them.
-So am I
Noble fish swims drowsily to my net,
fresh salted salmon in my thoughts
Blazed salmon, smoked salmon, salmon,
broiled salmon fins -
and of course, salmon soup
This Pentti Ahvanainen's poem is
certainly about experienced life -
but could it be reality -
also to us ordinary fishermen?
-Surely it can, Timo
Already thousands of fishermen
all over the world trust -
this new invention and now
we got it here in Finland
Catch-a-fish, unbelievable lure,
all fish grasp to it -
in salty as well as in freshwater
He gutting the fish...
-How much is whitefish per kilo?
In blink of an eye Catch-a-fish
prepares a fish meal
Shall we ring?
-Chops wood, fills tax return
My life was changed by Catch-a-fish
Night-frosts
in the bedroom are history
New wife fishes
with Catch-a-fish also
Sure thing. -Can I
order Catch-a-fish from you?
Yes.
-Frankly
Generously. Sixteen
-Twenty
Twenty it is
Here's great sports car
for the boys
We need a car -
that manages a more
challenging circumstances
So, a jeep?
-Yeah
Here we actually have a
unbeatable model
But unfortunately it costs.
-It doesn't matter
This kind of tire spins easily
Not necessarily,
because this has 4-wheel drive
What does it mean?
It means that
all wheels are tensile
Four wheels.
-But is this good?
Not just good,
but this is the best
We take this
And final sum
including accessories -
in cash is 499,499 marks
Thank you
Well then
it's still missing 1000 marks
Thank you
Boys are looking for boat right?
-Yes, for trolling
This is unbeatable,
but surely not the cheapest
Well, it doesn't matter
but is it good?
This is the best.
-We take this
Let's go and find
a proper engine for it
Stop, stop, stop, stop
This here's The engine
Isn't there normally
2 engines on a trolling boat?
Not necessarily. 4-stroke engine
doesn't choke even on low speeds
It's probably cheaper?
-Not necessarily
Well it doesn't matter anything.
Is it good?
This is the best.
-We take this
So then let's go to
look at accessories
499,070
How we get the boat to the shore?
-With a trailer
We take such.
-Okay then
This is missing 1000
It's going to be warm day
I think I'll sunbathe
without shirt
May I wax your back?
-Yes that would be nice
What's that rock pile?
-I don't know
(background song lyrics:)
"I met you on the beach then"
"and soon we were holding hands"
This is how it goes.
-Codger
Hey codger,
you think you're getting fish?
This runs pretty sweet.
-This is the best
Sure is
Manu.
-Yes?
We could do some spinning here
Could you drop the anchor?
Well of course we
can do trolling too
Did these cost a lot?
-Sure did
Doesn't matter
Oh damn.
-What?
That Mao Zedung is
catching fish like crazy
Sure is
Oh goddamnit.
-What now?
That's the boat seller.
-Show me
Lumumbas.
-Looks like
How about we will just troll
Last Catch-a-fish
We won't get anything
Hey
What? -It's a fish
Take the net.
-I will, I will
That's it
Pull, pull
Start pulling.
Reel in, reel in
It's a fish. It is big.
-What is it?
Use the net now.
-What is it?
Ui-jui.
-Good, good
Nice.
-Is it roach?
No it's whitefish.
-Whitefish, okay, okay
Drop it there.
-Handsome fish
Hey shall we take glasses of
sherry in the honor of this?
Oh my
Should we kill it?
-No, let it live
It's fun to breathalyze drunkards
we are hepaticas of the roads
We may loosen your plates,
it refreshes us -
if can dry up the licence
Fines, fines,
great fines,
We don't skimp,
we gladly give -
Fines, fines,
fines to everybody,
come and get yours
You seem to have
all kinds of gadgets -
but, I don't see
the most important -
there're no life jackets,
no anchor, no paddle
But soon you got fines. -Ask
do they have fishing licence
Do they have fishing licence?
-No
I guessed that.
-You go and breathalyze them
Sure, I go and breathalyze them
Yes, you got 2.6 per mills together -
so 1.7 per man
So there are quite
generous fines upcoming -
that we will go to count them
while we have a coffee break
Would you give that sherry
bottle from the cooler?
You don't move anywhere
and wait right here
Well then Osku, look at
what came out from oven
Hasn't it gotten a bit smaller?
Things always shrivel a bit
in hot. -My dear
Take gadgets away
This is good looking
Have you thought about
becoming fighter jet pilot?
Look. -By buying this
for 60 billion per piece -
you'll be part of project,
that makes you fighter jet ace
And that's not all -
pilots are traditionally
firm ladies' men
Should we ring?
One.
-Two...
Five.
-Six
Sorry about interrupting the movie -
but our sponsor
has something to say
Och samma p svenska, urskta -
(And same in Swedish, excuse me -)
sponsoren har ngonting att sga
(sponsors have nothing to say)
This is Pastirol-day.
A day that will be remembered
With the income from
that commercial we are able to -
finance the next scene.
Please, var so god (please in Swedish)
Dear viewers -
in every ambitious Finnish movie -
boobs are shown.
Please
After the end credits
there will be some more boobs
In hopes that the movie producers
wouldn't be seen as chauvinists -
here's some eye candy for womenfolk
4000 years ago at Hellaa -
young men gathered to compete -
in following sports:
wrestling, discus throwing
and javeling
Women weren't let in to the stadion,
because the athletes were -
naked
No doubt that being at war
is the best action -
that a man can do with
his pants on. -That's true
And ice hockey is another
Our town has a team
called Kangasalan Voitto
It was used to be coached by
rather pricey codger, Esko
I recall when they
went to one memorable game
Dear gentlemen, it's
a new season ahead -
and new gimmicks
We can't let the relegation
to the 6th division -
discourage our minds
Instead for tonight's match -
we go to chest in arc
and victory in mind
Our team has gotten
some foreign reinforcement
From Alaska's farm league
an actual "pencil man" -
mister Begining.
-Hello everybody
Tonight's tactics -
is based on Napoleon's
and Hitler's gambits -
as well as Raattentie battles
We are not going to
attack for nothing -
to the enemy's territory -
but we give the puck for
the enemy at the faceoff
We switch to turtle defence
And when the enemy
approaches our blue line -
the attackers
skate via the wing -
and strike enemy's back
Preferably by cross-checking.
-Listen to coach
In the meanwhile the defenders
hide behind the net -
and reveal themselves to
the enemy when they reach -
our goalie area
If they nevertheless score -
fat-Salonen will be exchanged.
Any questions?
Esko, shall I give you
your own sports drink?
No need to
Hey listen Kalle, don't put more
It's the last tape of the firm
Alright then let's do it
Good luck. Close the wings
Put helmet on, boy
Good spirits
Try to try even
"Raipe" is iron.
No penalties, Summanen
Good ice hockey.
Thank you very much
Let's fuck.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey....
Good job dudes,
just catch them
Go to the barbershop tomorrow.
This is our game
Catch him!
You, do something,
I don't pay for nothing
Let's fuck.
-Thank you very much
I kill you
Go, go, go
Oh well here we go again
What?
Hey, mister referee
Mister referee! It wasn't my
fault, it was the other guy
You, back.
-Thank you very much
Raipe, do you think should we
put more blade to the lubricant?
Give me the drink.
-Here you go
They have a phone call for me.
-Alright
Is everything alright
with your equipments?
I mean in equipments?
-Yeah, shit man
Perfect
Game, game
Shit, man
Zero five, who cares.
Finnish boy will still rise
Remember Syvri, Raatteentie
(Winter war battle location)
land Islands war was terrible
Sumppi, you had
your screws loose again
This is now
at it's biggest, try
It's good.
-It is?
Yes.
-Well I guessed that
Raipe, look I rockered
really proper curves for you
You could even shave your beard
Fuck the shit,
fuck the shit, fuck the shit
Hey, Alaska, Alaska
No penalties anymore.
-No penaltys, yes
No penalty.
-"Ei jehuje?"
Yes, yes.
-Couch, thank you very much
Be good, good spirits
Mister referee, it was...
Mister referee.
-So calm down then
Don't you see it was a kick goal?
He scored,
I'm going to beat that bloke
Stoneblind owl-referee
It was a kick goal, get it?
Score. -You see anything?
What sign is this?
Spirits are good
Good spirits end now,
get down from there
No tearing.
-Let go
Let go
Here's little bit...
Hey Begining,
that 99 there, kill him
Don't take that now.
-Sure, coach
Let's see how Alaska boy shines
Hey, coach, what you doing, man?
Good looking bitch you got.
-Yeah. That's my wife
Then what?
-That's my wife
Monkey, you just got beaten up
That's not fair.
-Shut up!
That's not fair.
-Shut up!
You are fired, you're fired
Summanen doesn't go anywhere
You're fired,
you are over-aged anyways
Helminen also
Esko is running so hot -
that it's better
that you go to that direction
Jonna, take a snap?
You can pull until that mark there
Okay then, I take myself
I'm able to do a handstand
Do you want to see? Take a look
Oh honey, please, help me.
-Joanna
Let's go home, back to Arkansas.
-Yeah
Hey, take your bitch monkey,
and go back to Alaska
Damn. This is starting
to be done for tonight
I'm moving to Pori next year,
to coach Porin Karhut
Peekaboo, how are you monkeys?
Weird jobs "hammeli"
Esko, isn't it best
that you went home?
I can't,
the game isn't finished yet
Vin, let's pull the finger trap.
-Hell no
Let's put the man on the ice
Just sit very near
Go on, Salonen.
-Esko, don't you go there
Now I go on the ice
There's no problem here
End came.
-Oh no, Esko
That's alright
Salonen to the net
Salonen to the net
Five, four, three -
two, one, zero
Ow-owowow
Bus is coming
Fellas...
What do you think of
our new kitchen?
Under these conditions a
damn good performance by me
This is a bit awkward to say -
but I think this is
quite artificially made
Not my taste.
-Not mine either
I see. Well, I thought that
today we would eat lightly
Here's the season's salad,
gravlax rosette
As dessert, strawberries
and cherries on meringue bed
Fucking dude, do you think -
that we get enough for warfare
from this rabbit food?
Damn, quite a crackle
you have arranged
Tried to hit my head with
this potato mashing mallet -
but I managed to catch it
at the last minute
I'm not hungry afterall,
I go to keep guard
Reporter Oy Mauno Ahonen Yleisradio Ab
Is the reporter hungry?
Table is set here
Oh well, I should manage to produce
some shitty report to the airwaves
But why not
Looks like all silverware
is already set
"Hilirimpsis" (bottoms up!)
Ruffino Chianti, 11.6 years
Goddamnit, dudes have drinks
available like at Kaanaa wedding -
Only Jesus is missing, naturally
Show me what you are reading there,
Commando comics?
No, I'm just trying to study.
-I see
Even it is Friday -
we are not on vacation yet
Good morning
Banana fly's importance -
in the field of genetics -
can never be over-estimated, Sami
Czech monk Gregori Mendel -
whom shouldn't be mixed up with -
later influencer -
Mengele-named fella...
-Good arse
...was master of peas and flies, Sami
Let's write down
the most important terms
Mitosis and meijosis
(wrong on purpose)
Mitochondriasis (wrong on purpose)
"Tsygootti" (fertilized egg)
Conjugation, stamen.
Sami, I have about had enough
There's specific amount
of chromosomes -
which transform to diploid
during intercourse, Sami!
Huh! I've been nicely the
whole time, it's that Keinonen
Exit my class!
It's Spiidi playing with
those gadgets all the time!
Out! U-L-O-S!
Yes, suspend it
Goodbye, wind nest.
-Keinonen
Why this fly has red eyes?
Let's see, it's probably
a communist fly -
having a terrible hangover.
Right
Well, Sakari stermalm -
why this fly has yellow wings?
Sakari, don't say you're sleeping?
Sakari stermalm,
why fly has yellow wings?
Good day
Hey, look. Soikkeli.
-Hey moron, come here -
and let's talk about planes
Hey Soikkeli, what are we
going to do in woodshop?
How's band saw doing?
Today is Friday, for you it's
Good Friday (Long Friday literally)
Pain
Go and get Hyl
Hey, Hyl
Could you come and
check our previous work?
We have kind of a surprise
Yes, I like surprises
Hyl, could I
already take this home?
Do you think that that
sta-starling fits in from this?
Does it need to fit to go in too?
I thought they only come out
Don't your hear bell rang already?
-Yes yes
Go home with that goldeneye-nest.
-Happy weekend
Happy week-e-e-end
So, "silvuplee" to you too, thanks
Soikkeli is good and waits there
Yep
Yep, yep.
-Yep
Gee, boys have a ca-ca-ca-canoe
Not actually. -This is
sophisticated, who is this?
It's the metal works teacher
Just kidding, it's rubber
Let's remove the lid.
-Very elegant decor
Is this leop-leop-leopard?
No, it's "geopard" (cheetah).
-I see
Quadraphonic stereos.
-Yes, I got those in my car
You did, or I mean you do. In the middle
there's support for small of the back
Soikkeli is good and experiments
I don't think so.
-Harri goes now
Well okay then.
-Please, please
It's like made for the teacher.
-Quite suit-suited
Let's try...
-Just fine
Does the teacher know
who is Houdini? -I don't
That is good
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep
Soikkeli,
prepare for an art pleasure
Here comes our demo
Summer hit, Doomsday
On an infinite cassette
Open.
-Good day
Good morning, students
Good morning, mister Aarnio
It's another
tough workweek ahead
It's not beginning on
very bright circumstances
Is anyone having
pangs of conscience?
Loved workshop teacher,
Harri "Hyl" Soikkeli -
has been barred
in his workshop class
But we are letting
Harri himself to tell -
what happened and
name the guilty ones
On Friday afternoon
I was helding last -
workshop cl-cl-class
When two per-per... who
shall remain nameless...
persons...
When Harri's able to tell what happened,
the guilty ones will be punished
Next, traditional morning prayers -
is going to be held by -
loved religion and
sports teacher, Sampo Ekman
When I came
to school this morning -
I watched how little squirrel -
collected cones to store
Then I said to myself -
look Sampo, this is how it is -
also in humans' lives
We have to collect
life-cones to life's store
And morning prayers music
is performed -
by Sakari stermalm and Pertti.
-Thanks
Cool outfit
This our piece somewhat
relates to those life-cones
In a way, it's name is Doomsday
Galaxies blow up
and Keinonen descends
to punish everyone
Skeletons rise from their graves
Keinonen is released from his chains
Doomsday,
Doomsday -
it's Keinonen's name day
It's Doomsday,
it's Doomsday
Pertti's name day
That was flik flak -series.
This lecture's subject
Even though the move
is very simple -
we must recall,
that it begins -
from the hips
When we play baseball?
Not on the spring term, now
we practise flik flak -series
The first one is Sakari stermolm
Well, how about Prtti.
-Alright
So the movement
begins from the hips
Indeed.
-Yes, from deep
Can we play baseball already?
Alright Prtti, it's best
to forget that flik flak now
Focus on the bar,
this also is pelvis sport
And let go
Yes, don't brake
We still spin Keinonen, or
could we play baseball already?
Okay then, the slow ones
should also be ready by now
Who would come to translate
this sentence on the board?
Keinonen Pertti, please.
-With pleasure, teacher
Sami, say in two ways -
a horse, that runs
Hst, hsten springer -
som hsten,
it's at least one and...
Hst...
I can't figure out another
Sakari,
could you help Sami a bit?
En hst, som springer
(a horse, that runs)
Or from the same motif, using
the present participle -
en springande hst (a running horse)
-Very good, Sakari
And, looks like
Pertti is done already
Yes teacher, jag r allt frdigt hr
(I'm all finished here)
And the sentence was approximately:
widespread, uniform -
and rectangular color surfaces
are... -No doubt
...no doubt very mondrianic,
and same in Swedish
Och samma p svenska
(And same in Swedish)
(reads what's on board
very fast in Swedish)
Alright then,
could you still write -
that dressmakers are slow
and oh my pincers
Oh my pincers.
-And, voluntary homeworks' -
feedback right after the class
And Sami has
remedial teaching tomorrow
Tack s bra (thanks a lot)
Sakari had written
about space shuttles'
fuel systems,
it was very good Swedish -
but somewhat
too technical subject
Nevertheless 9 and half
Is the teacher married?
-Oh my Sakari -
those are my personal affairs
I didn't know that
Pertti is such a romantic
Wonderful poems, especially
this, "your blue eyes sake" -
was just charming.
-It's about a teacher
For daring to have feelings,
9 and half
Good day
I'm sickly excited.
-I'm so much in love
See, I did a napkin holder
for the teacher
Perfect. -Hey, now she comes,
now she comes
Oh my vitals.
-I'll give her life-cones
Teacher? Teacher?
Austere
Oh, life's harsh cones -
that is sickest,
that I've never seen
Went through quite a heavy
human relationship there, yes?
You wrote surprisingly good lyrics
for Doomsday by the way
Well, your melody
isn't much shittier
So, school wisdom and life wisdom
do not go hand in hand -
here is very living example of it
They're seriously
trying to get through
Kari is alone out there
Let's go and help
Don't have any hurry back
Can't drink anything here,
it's so dusty
Well let's taken when...
Here it goes
It's good like this too
What's banging there?
I don't know damnit,
devil has gotten loose, look
True leader
It'll be tough
Now the devil comes,
go and get bazooka
I can go and get it,
but we have no ammo
Where are they?
-I left them home under the bed
They're going to roll over us
Welcome to the velvety,
Kalevi Hrm front to front -
or From front to front
-entertainment tour
This next song
got hugely popular -
at Luxembourg side
The name is,
"I have returned"
Disco lights guide my ship
like a lighthouse
I miss a pilot, my keel
is scraping the bottom
I find you in corner,
behind a round table
Evening so hot
and song this -
will unite us tonight
I have done a comeback
He has returned
I composed a hit for you
in other words
I plagiarized disco piece
He made a comeback
Eventhough he had
never been missing
Kalevi brought the mood
Hrm (Finnish region)
and organs play
Greetings from home forces
Asked to bring you
this videocassette
It should have something exciting
to watch. -Thanks
We had a room reservation,
for a week
Name? -Maakanen,
mister ja Mrs Maakanen
Maakanen
Your room is not ready yet
You can wait
in the winter garden
And I will serve you sherry
This is nice
I poured slightly more for the bride
I wonder why
can't we get to our room yet?
Because sweepers are coming there
You are late again.
-We are sorry -
but town house cleaning
took hours...
Don't explain!
Clean the honeymoon suite quickly
Quickly!
So this is the honeymoon suite
Look, look
Look at that, it's a rat
Rat.
-Yes, a rat
Rat
Rat
Verner, don't squeeze the rat
too hard, it can die
Cat. -Yes, the cat lost its life,
when you squeezed too hard
Shall we start working?
Verner?
-Look
Verner, sweet under the bed.
-Okay
What was that?
Nothing. Calm down my love
I took liberty
to bring more sherry
We have happy hour now
Maybe no more sherry -
but could be order dinner?
-What?
Coq au vin (Wine rooster)
We serve the best
wine booster in the region
I leave these sherries anyway -
perhaps you want them later
See my rooster -
you are going to be a meal
for the bride and groom
Namely, a memento meal
Could we get to our room already?
Let's go and see
Is that bag very heavy?
-It isn't
Well then I could have
carried it too
It is this one
Gentlefolk is good
and shall do well
I took the liberty to
bring your forgotten sherries
Thank you.
-Place them there
Excellent
By the way, is it too hot here?
-No
Not at all.
-As it should be
It is clean here -
but we could rearrange
some things a bit
Excellent
Verner, Verner
You have to be careful
with glassware. -Okay
What was that?
Go and see
Go, go
What a dusty chandelier
Verner, go and catch crystal
polisher from the bucket
Bucket
It sure is strange
Verner, go and get brush.
-Brush
Wine rooster eh?
Wine taste has to be thick -
gushing -
and bloody
This is wrong
Brush
Fetch... brush
Otto? Otto?
Here you go, relaxed and happy
No, no, no
Otto? Otto?
(gibberish)
Come here
That boy up there,
he is Juhani
He is lord's little brother
And lord keeps him
in the cage because -
he is somewhat like you.
He is a bit weird
Hey don't cry now
Strong and bloody,
this is just right
Hands off taffel!
We were practising Chopin in
honor of afternoon. -Don't explain!
Don't you see that floors
are still not been scrubbed?
Act!
Goddamn it
Sherry is not having an effect -
so fate shall intervene the game
So this is what happened
You didn't drink your sherries
There's no soft pine soap left
Dear friends, my darling wife
Now that evil
has been defeated -
and our brutal lord is dead -
I want to thank you all
You Juhani, I want to
congratulate for being set free
You have life ahead of you and
you can become whatever
Such as... like a novelist
Otto and Verner...
Thank you, you saved my life
and our young marriage
Few words.
-Otto, Otto
For my behalf and
Verner's behalf I can say -
that lord's demise
was to us too -
immense relief
One more request
Seeing young love -
makes us immensely happy
Could you kiss?
Dudes
I think this decoration thing
begins to be ready
At least I'm damn proud.
What do you think?
I have no opinion anymore
Kari?
All the same
So what says reporter Ahonen?
Mauno?
-Right
What do you think of the cabin?
-Well personally I don't like
Besides this your surface
renovation comes a bit late
According to radio
this war ends in 3 seconds
Which is right now
So has this been
totally wasted trip then?
Don't get depressed now, the war
has its positive side too -
as it employs soldiers, arms dealers -
cuts off trash population
and indeed arse brushing -
Finns have something worth to
defend, er, Juha Mieto, buttermilk -
land Islands, Sweden, Norway
It sure got silent
the Finnish Broadcasting Corp,
Mauno Ahonen
Do you hear Jarkki?
Would you mind going to Siwa -
and buy one 6-pack, I should
be coming back on the next flight
I can get strong drinks
on the plane, but for morning
Right
Let's run away from the oat field
Run and disarm
Heaven leaks its light there
Let's bury the iron
to rust already
Da daa dada dada daada
sunflowers remain
They give yellow color to gold
but it is white
Believed in the right
and swore
but unnecessary murder
got tired, won
Or lost?
To whom bells these ring for?
Could I raise my head straight up?
Let's run away from from oat field
run and disarm
Heaven leaks its light there
Let's bury the iron
to rust already
Because light is fast
Da daa da dada daada
sunflowers remain -
They give yellow color to gold
but it is white
Da daa da dada daada
naked souls remain
so let's drink
young wine of freedom
Da daa da dada daada
sunflowers remain -
They give yellow color to gold
but it is white
Da daa da dada daada
naked souls remain -
so let's drink
young wine of freedom
Da daa da dada daada
sunflowers remain
great man withered so small
Da daa da dada daada
naked souls remain -
again a final war ended
Da daada dada daada
Goddamn,
what perverts are still here?
There are no boobs shown anymore
Go home
-Yes?
Could you turn on the projector?
-It's on
Where those hairs come from?
Again there's one on the lens
I don't know.
-Red hair
And it's curly.
-It's your erogenous hair
It's not, it's armpit hair
It is your penis hair,
blow it away
Good evening
Finnish trucker Reino Laakso -
has ended up in open conflict -
at Luxembourg's border station
A truck full of carrots has been -
denied entry to
the country by the customs
with too weak arguments
according to Laakso
Here're some great carrots
for Luxembourgians
(German gibberish)
What is loss?
Here's the car papers
Filthy car
Oh damn. You see, for 20 years -
I have done this work
and one thing I've learned -
is that to never give up
If need to deliver carrots to
Luxembourg I'm going to finish it
(gibberish)
Laakso's numerous contact attempts -
have been shrugged off
by Luxembourg's government
It's so that you can keep the carrots
Finland's EU-Commissioner
Erkki Liikanen disapproves -
both Laakso's and
Luxembourg goverment's actions
I think, I have to,
with this note -
touch my arse
I see
Luxembourgian ministers
have performed -
rituals that dishonor Finnishness
Klaus, just look.
-Good job
Finnish government has given
Luxembourg goverment -
an ultimatum. If profanity
doesn't come to an end -
Finland threatens
to adopt further secret measures
Esa.
-Moth has cocooned
Fox acknowledges
Listen up, it's best now
that girls go home
What? I haven't got anything yet
And Jari as well
Open, open away
Pirjo, could you
hand over those forceps
Open
Open, open, open
Kariluoto.
-Moth has cocooned
Hare acknowledges
Ilmo, Ilmo, you have a call
Ilmo
Lynx acknowledges
Mom, I must go now
-Oh my goodness
So this is what it meant when my
buttocks began to tickle terribly
Boy goes to war
Ilmo, Ilmo, I brought
you some lunch box
Oh you, mom
Don't worry about me,
I take care of myself
I'll be back by the hay-making
-So said you father -
and he only went to deliver
milk churns, never returned
Captain Rankkanen,
captain Rankkanen -
your suit has arrived
from washing
At ease
Fox?
-Here
Hare?
-Here
Lynx?
-Here
Cigarette man is always cigarette man
Your mission -
is to strike enemy's living
and materialistic force -
everywhere in the areas
that they are ruling
This mouse-shit here
is Luxembourg -
An area about the size of Forssa.
Know that -
even at this very moment they
are fucking us pretty harshly
It's the end now!
The mission will be accomplished
quickly and efficiently -
after which you will exit the area
according to your own judgment
Air Force will transport you
to the enemy's airspace
At 19:30 your parachutes
will open, any questions?
Check your clocks
Dismissed!
And remember!
Today the shit rang here too
and called me gay
Even if I was gay -
there's no need to tell it to me
Oh Sibelius,
oh, Juha Mieto...
Please
Please
Dear passengers, prepare
to jump in 30 seconds
Weather is beautiful
at Luxembourg, but partly cloudy
Captain Rantala and crew
wish a successful jump
The most important is that
we were not detected
It's only an advantage
Have to burrow.
-And fast
Watch out, right side
Don't recall me,
I take care of my plot
This is quite rally
No boys, rally is
something very different
He has bought some
random tires worth 50 marks -
from some junkyard
When Stefa installs it's precise.
-As always
There's no time to lose now.
-As always
What?
What, what?
It's fun to have spot check here
It's joy to give you fines
Radar stops you,
it stimulates us
Here's the end of your ride
It's fun to breathalyze drunkards
We are hepaticas of the roads
We may loosen your plates,
it refreshes us -
if can dry up the licence
Fines, fines,
great fines
We don't skimp,
we gladly give -
fines, fines,
fines to everybody
Come and get yours
Hey dudes, you hear?
You hear me?
Yes we hear
Quite cold is here,
quite cold is here
Yes. -Shall we exchange?
Shall we exchange?
In a minute. -Let's exchange
already. Let's exhange already
In a minute
Dudes, now some 96 comes
at least 600 mph
I guess it's red, perhaps red
To what hell's rally
are you going to?
Nordics rally
Red Opel Kadett HKR-420,
child is screaming inside
Release the child
Have a good rally to you
Girls, after the final race
at the hotel a bit...
You are just awful
Hi there
This is the place for signing up?
Oh fuck, I have eaten
cabbage casserole 4 days straight -
my stomach's upset.
-Class, certificate and licence
A-group.
-Have you got any charcoal tablets -
my stomach's messed up
Sorry but I only have
a full tube of rectal wax
These are fine, have a
good rally. -Yes thanks
Was there any trouble?
-Nope
Well what then? -I was just
looking at those other teams
Well what about them?
-They are quite clowns
Sure are
...already 35 times
Five, four, three,
two, one, drive
Oh darn.
-Go to push
Moisio, third gear, clutch down -
when car moves, clutch up
Clutch... Brake
Right, different fast,
left, different fast
75 right, flat out
Over 50, jump, right fast
Where are we?
Bottom of the bank,
right's okay, left down, up
Left full speed forward,
not fast
Left fast, this is most of all
goddamn curvy road
Pull your owns.
-Right
I could pull one cigarette
during this interval
If okay?
-Hey, this stick snapped
Well then, let's replace it.
Stefa will do
That's precise
Hey, clutch's gone.
Could you steer? -Okay
To right
To left.
-Stefa
New clutch. Stefa's working on it
That's precise.
-Right
Hey, cigarette dropped
Bench is burning.
-Stefa will take care of it
Foam to the eggs
I'm foamed all over
Ha, ha, looking good
Really fast, hundred
Right down,
left full speed
Really embarrassing to say but...
Of course you can go and pee now
May Day drink is?
That's mead
Mead
"Tsorry."
-That's ok
It was very difficult
and hard race
We had some troubles
with the tires
But the team is
working very fine -
and I'm drinking and
fucking all the time
I heard that Carlos
is coming very strong
Anyway I think that if I try my
best we're gonna win this race
Tomorrow of course I'm
gonna have lot of troubles -
because I'm gonna have
hangover and some other diseases
But I think that anyway
it's gonna be alright
Well boys, there's
nothing to worry about
We are less than 5 minutes
behind the second last
I'll put 20x bigger nozzles -
and I think we'll make it
to winner's podium
That's great when team functions
well and we get feedback
We have had good thing going today
We come strong and
aggressively to the curves
But need to get out of there
Lampinen, you have to be able
to tighten your map reading
It's great when team functions
well and we get feedback
And need to give that to you
What do you think those
other teams are doing?
They also give feedback
to their drivers
It's not enough to
be born as winner -
but we need to polish the diamond
You know?
-Yeah
Did we come here to
win or lose? -We did
Lampinen, hey?
-Yeah
Go to reserve those
hotel rooms now -
so we can get some sleep.
-Okay. Give money
What money? -Give cash
Take from the sponsor funds.
-Which sponsor fund?
This car is full of stickers.
You have sold advertizing space...
Lampinen, tell me what is sponsoring?
Sponsoring?
-Yes?
It's a kind of modern marketing -
where athlete or someone such -
obtains stickers or fabric brands
Right. I see
Don't say that you have
let the stickers to be -
glued on the car for free!
-No, I sure paid for them
Hey, the main thing is,
that the team works, yes?
I'm going to pee now
After that we'll take
one more tier
Then we all go to
a restaurant to eat lamb
So those boys slept
their night in the car
They didn't mind
That's how they
had done it before
Look at that, I guess
we are last right in the morning
They trusted their
mechanic like stone wall
Because he knew his red Saab
like his own mother
I have had -99 model
But that's different.
-I know that
That mechanic didn't
run out of tricks
I left the keys inside by the way
Wouldn't have needed the second one
If Stefa takes care, it's precise
Let it be
With this the competition
will get fiercer -
because I'm pouring nitro
into the fuel tank, Moisio
Thank you
Yes, this kind of lighter bodywork -
needs a little bit wider tires
50 full speed up
(unclear driving instructions)
50 over hillock
Right fast, 100 down
What? What you said?
(gibberish)
Well this is clear advantage to us
Spare weight away, Stefa leaves
Fuck, I think
they won't come anymore
No they won't come,
let's take the rag down -
and let's go home
I wonder what yummy my wife
has made from potatoes today?
Oh fuck, surely we have
fucking dill meat again
Wait now, we'll make it
together to the finish line
It's quite a bit the same, are
we doing it together or separate
Stefa takes care, it'll be precise.
-Right
Yea, that is precise
Like that
Oh, hey, coming
So they do
Let's go to watch Cindy Crawford
video at my trailer
I keep myself fit with that
No, no, need no,
we need no team, nor group
No, no, we don't follow Vatanen
Leather suit doesn't squeeze balls,
this is heavenly rally
Now the end is spark plug changing
and messing with the oil
Map reading was shitty job,
never learnt it
Couldn't care less, whole
stepping on the gas pisses me off
Now past is cruising,
devil's gnashing has come to an end
No, no, we need no team, nor group
No, no, we don't follow Vatanen
Leather suit doesn't squeeze balls,
this is heavenly rally
No, no, we need no team, nor group
No, no, we don't follow Vatanen
Leather suit doesn't squeeze balls,
this is heavenly rally
Try and hit the right once in awhile
I guess I have eyes on my head
Yes, two and third in the ass
Boys, come to eat
They are seriously
trying to rush through
We'll make them
quiet down eventually
Alright then, welcome to the
inauguration of the dugout
There's like wedding here or what?
Here's ammo and supplies storage.
-Yea-a
On the left,
naturally next to the door -
gun rack
I laid 1.5 meters of
concrete above -
so it's nice to loll here
I was thinking if
Kari would sleep here
This is stove, don't
burn your ass, it's hot
Whose rario is that?
It is radio.
-So
Alright, here's the holiest
of the holies, the dining area
Ilmo, if you could sleep there -
then I could sleep there
in the corner
This is rather practical -
but quite conventional
This sort of shitty outhouses
these have been for 50 years
But this isn't even ready yet
Or what Esa?
-No
I cooked some whitefish for you
I don't like fish at all
Wife ordered me to say that
I'm allergic to fish
Nevertheless I did it according
to couple city boys' recipe
Naked, naked,
soon everyone are naked,
Naked, naked...
-Very good evening to everyone
And welcome to watch
entertainment show: Naked
For fifth week in a row
in the studio -
brothers Kulkerson Kille and Kalle
And their opponent today -
gentleman who doesn't
pee to his socks: -
mister Jortikka
What made you decide to
take part in this?
I didn't have any idea to come -
but our neighbor Pete Mulkvisti
registered us here
Very nicely done by Pete.
What hobbies you have?
Well, mainly graphics.
-What sort of graphics?
Pornographics
Lovely hobby and now to
the business, a question:
Who was the first person -
who performed naked on screen?
Mister Jortikka has an answer.
-Buster Keaton
Wrong answer, sock off!
I'm embarrassed for them.
-So am I
Noble fish swims drowsily to my net,
fresh salted salmon in my thoughts
Blazed salmon, smoked salmon, salmon,
broiled salmon fins -
and of course, salmon soup
This Pentti Ahvanainen's poem is
certainly about experienced life -
but could it be reality -
also to us ordinary fishermen?
-Surely it can, Timo
Already thousands of fishermen
all over the world trust -
this new invention and now
we got it here in Finland
Catch-a-fish, unbelievable lure,
all fish grasp to it -
in salty as well as in freshwater
He gutting the fish...
-How much is whitefish per kilo?
In blink of an eye Catch-a-fish
prepares a fish meal
Shall we ring?
-Chops wood, fills tax return
My life was changed by Catch-a-fish
Night-frosts
in the bedroom are history
New wife fishes
with Catch-a-fish also
Sure thing. -Can I
order Catch-a-fish from you?
Yes.
-Frankly
Generously. Sixteen
-Twenty
Twenty it is
Here's great sports car
for the boys
We need a car -
that manages a more
challenging circumstances
So, a jeep?
-Yeah
Here we actually have a
unbeatable model
But unfortunately it costs.
-It doesn't matter
This kind of tire spins easily
Not necessarily,
because this has 4-wheel drive
What does it mean?
It means that
all wheels are tensile
Four wheels.
-But is this good?
Not just good,
but this is the best
We take this
And final sum
including accessories -
in cash is 499,499 marks
Thank you
Well then
it's still missing 1000 marks
Thank you
Boys are looking for boat right?
-Yes, for trolling
This is unbeatable,
but surely not the cheapest
Well, it doesn't matter
but is it good?
This is the best.
-We take this
Let's go and find
a proper engine for it
Stop, stop, stop, stop
This here's The engine
Isn't there normally
2 engines on a trolling boat?
Not necessarily. 4-stroke engine
doesn't choke even on low speeds
It's probably cheaper?
-Not necessarily
Well it doesn't matter anything.
Is it good?
This is the best.
-We take this
So then let's go to
look at accessories
499,070
How we get the boat to the shore?
-With a trailer
We take such.
-Okay then
This is missing 1000
It's going to be warm day
I think I'll sunbathe
without shirt
May I wax your back?
-Yes that would be nice
What's that rock pile?
-I don't know
(background song lyrics:)
"I met you on the beach then"
"and soon we were holding hands"
This is how it goes.
-Codger
Hey codger,
you think you're getting fish?
This runs pretty sweet.
-This is the best
Sure is
Manu.
-Yes?
We could do some spinning here
Could you drop the anchor?
Well of course we
can do trolling too
Did these cost a lot?
-Sure did
Doesn't matter
Oh damn.
-What?
That Mao Zedung is
catching fish like crazy
Sure is
Oh goddamnit.
-What now?
That's the boat seller.
-Show me
Lumumbas.
-Looks like
How about we will just troll
Last Catch-a-fish
We won't get anything
Hey
What? -It's a fish
Take the net.
-I will, I will
That's it
Pull, pull
Start pulling.
Reel in, reel in
It's a fish. It is big.
-What is it?
Use the net now.
-What is it?
Ui-jui.
-Good, good
Nice.
-Is it roach?
No it's whitefish.
-Whitefish, okay, okay
Drop it there.
-Handsome fish
Hey shall we take glasses of
sherry in the honor of this?
Oh my
Should we kill it?
-No, let it live
It's fun to breathalyze drunkards
we are hepaticas of the roads
We may loosen your plates,
it refreshes us -
if can dry up the licence
Fines, fines,
great fines,
We don't skimp,
we gladly give -
Fines, fines,
fines to everybody,
come and get yours
You seem to have
all kinds of gadgets -
but, I don't see
the most important -
there're no life jackets,
no anchor, no paddle
But soon you got fines. -Ask
do they have fishing licence
Do they have fishing licence?
-No
I guessed that.
-You go and breathalyze them
Sure, I go and breathalyze them
Yes, you got 2.6 per mills together -
so 1.7 per man
So there are quite
generous fines upcoming -
that we will go to count them
while we have a coffee break
Would you give that sherry
bottle from the cooler?
You don't move anywhere
and wait right here
Well then Osku, look at
what came out from oven
Hasn't it gotten a bit smaller?
Things always shrivel a bit
in hot. -My dear
Take gadgets away
This is good looking
Have you thought about
becoming fighter jet pilot?
Look. -By buying this
for 60 billion per piece -
you'll be part of project,
that makes you fighter jet ace
And that's not all -
pilots are traditionally
firm ladies' men
Should we ring?
One.
-Two...
Five.
-Six
Sorry about interrupting the movie -
but our sponsor
has something to say
Och samma p svenska, urskta -
(And same in Swedish, excuse me -)
sponsoren har ngonting att sga
(sponsors have nothing to say)
This is Pastirol-day.
A day that will be remembered
With the income from
that commercial we are able to -
finance the next scene.
Please, var so god (please in Swedish)
Dear viewers -
in every ambitious Finnish movie -
boobs are shown.
Please
After the end credits
there will be some more boobs
In hopes that the movie producers
wouldn't be seen as chauvinists -
here's some eye candy for womenfolk
4000 years ago at Hellaa -
young men gathered to compete -
in following sports:
wrestling, discus throwing
and javeling
Women weren't let in to the stadion,
because the athletes were -
naked
No doubt that being at war
is the best action -
that a man can do with
his pants on. -That's true
And ice hockey is another
Our town has a team
called Kangasalan Voitto
It was used to be coached by
rather pricey codger, Esko
I recall when they
went to one memorable game
Dear gentlemen, it's
a new season ahead -
and new gimmicks
We can't let the relegation
to the 6th division -
discourage our minds
Instead for tonight's match -
we go to chest in arc
and victory in mind
Our team has gotten
some foreign reinforcement
From Alaska's farm league
an actual "pencil man" -
mister Begining.
-Hello everybody
Tonight's tactics -
is based on Napoleon's
and Hitler's gambits -
as well as Raattentie battles
We are not going to
attack for nothing -
to the enemy's territory -
but we give the puck for
the enemy at the faceoff
We switch to turtle defence
And when the enemy
approaches our blue line -
the attackers
skate via the wing -
and strike enemy's back
Preferably by cross-checking.
-Listen to coach
In the meanwhile the defenders
hide behind the net -
and reveal themselves to
the enemy when they reach -
our goalie area
If they nevertheless score -
fat-Salonen will be exchanged.
Any questions?
Esko, shall I give you
your own sports drink?
No need to
Hey listen Kalle, don't put more
It's the last tape of the firm
Alright then let's do it
Good luck. Close the wings
Put helmet on, boy
Good spirits
Try to try even
"Raipe" is iron.
No penalties, Summanen
Good ice hockey.
Thank you very much
Let's fuck.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey....
Good job dudes,
just catch them
Go to the barbershop tomorrow.
This is our game
Catch him!
You, do something,
I don't pay for nothing
Let's fuck.
-Thank you very much
I kill you
Go, go, go
Oh well here we go again
What?
Hey, mister referee
Mister referee! It wasn't my
fault, it was the other guy
You, back.
-Thank you very much
Raipe, do you think should we
put more blade to the lubricant?
Give me the drink.
-Here you go
They have a phone call for me.
-Alright
Is everything alright
with your equipments?
I mean in equipments?
-Yeah, shit man
Perfect
Game, game
Shit, man
Zero five, who cares.
Finnish boy will still rise
Remember Syvri, Raatteentie
(Winter war battle location)
land Islands war was terrible
Sumppi, you had
your screws loose again
This is now
at it's biggest, try
It's good.
-It is?
Yes.
-Well I guessed that
Raipe, look I rockered
really proper curves for you
You could even shave your beard
Fuck the shit,
fuck the shit, fuck the shit
Hey, Alaska, Alaska
No penalties anymore.
-No penaltys, yes
No penalty.
-"Ei jehuje?"
Yes, yes.
-Couch, thank you very much
Be good, good spirits
Mister referee, it was...
Mister referee.
-So calm down then
Don't you see it was a kick goal?
He scored,
I'm going to beat that bloke
Stoneblind owl-referee
It was a kick goal, get it?
Score. -You see anything?
What sign is this?
Spirits are good
Good spirits end now,
get down from there
No tearing.
-Let go
Let go
Here's little bit...
Hey Begining,
that 99 there, kill him
Don't take that now.
-Sure, coach
Let's see how Alaska boy shines
Hey, coach, what you doing, man?
Good looking bitch you got.
-Yeah. That's my wife
Then what?
-That's my wife
Monkey, you just got beaten up
That's not fair.
-Shut up!
That's not fair.
-Shut up!
You are fired, you're fired
Summanen doesn't go anywhere
You're fired,
you are over-aged anyways
Helminen also
Esko is running so hot -
that it's better
that you go to that direction
Jonna, take a snap?
You can pull until that mark there
Okay then, I take myself
I'm able to do a handstand
Do you want to see? Take a look
Oh honey, please, help me.
-Joanna
Let's go home, back to Arkansas.
-Yeah
Hey, take your bitch monkey,
and go back to Alaska
Damn. This is starting
to be done for tonight
I'm moving to Pori next year,
to coach Porin Karhut
Peekaboo, how are you monkeys?
Weird jobs "hammeli"
Esko, isn't it best
that you went home?
I can't,
the game isn't finished yet
Vin, let's pull the finger trap.
-Hell no
Let's put the man on the ice
Just sit very near
Go on, Salonen.
-Esko, don't you go there
Now I go on the ice
There's no problem here
End came.
-Oh no, Esko
That's alright
Salonen to the net
Salonen to the net
Five, four, three -
two, one, zero
Ow-owowow
Bus is coming
Fellas...
What do you think of
our new kitchen?
Under these conditions a
damn good performance by me
This is a bit awkward to say -
but I think this is
quite artificially made
Not my taste.
-Not mine either
I see. Well, I thought that
today we would eat lightly
Here's the season's salad,
gravlax rosette
As dessert, strawberries
and cherries on meringue bed
Fucking dude, do you think -
that we get enough for warfare
from this rabbit food?
Damn, quite a crackle
you have arranged
Tried to hit my head with
this potato mashing mallet -
but I managed to catch it
at the last minute
I'm not hungry afterall,
I go to keep guard
Reporter Oy Mauno Ahonen Yleisradio Ab
Is the reporter hungry?
Table is set here
Oh well, I should manage to produce
some shitty report to the airwaves
But why not
Looks like all silverware
is already set
"Hilirimpsis" (bottoms up!)
Ruffino Chianti, 11.6 years
Goddamnit, dudes have drinks
available like at Kaanaa wedding -
Only Jesus is missing, naturally
Show me what you are reading there,
Commando comics?
No, I'm just trying to study.
-I see
Even it is Friday -
we are not on vacation yet
Good morning
Banana fly's importance -
in the field of genetics -
can never be over-estimated, Sami
Czech monk Gregori Mendel -
whom shouldn't be mixed up with -
later influencer -
Mengele-named fella...
-Good arse
...was master of peas and flies, Sami
Let's write down
the most important terms
Mitosis and meijosis
(wrong on purpose)
Mitochondriasis (wrong on purpose)
"Tsygootti" (fertilized egg)
Conjugation, stamen.
Sami, I have about had enough
There's specific amount
of chromosomes -
which transform to diploid
during intercourse, Sami!
Huh! I've been nicely the
whole time, it's that Keinonen
Exit my class!
It's Spiidi playing with
those gadgets all the time!
Out! U-L-O-S!
Yes, suspend it
Goodbye, wind nest.
-Keinonen
Why this fly has red eyes?
Let's see, it's probably
a communist fly -
having a terrible hangover.
Right
Well, Sakari stermalm -
why this fly has yellow wings?
Sakari, don't say you're sleeping?
Sakari stermalm,
why fly has yellow wings?
Good day
Hey, look. Soikkeli.
-Hey moron, come here -
and let's talk about planes
Hey Soikkeli, what are we
going to do in woodshop?
How's band saw doing?
Today is Friday, for you it's
Good Friday (Long Friday literally)
Pain
Go and get Hyl
Hey, Hyl
Could you come and
check our previous work?
We have kind of a surprise
Yes, I like surprises
Hyl, could I
already take this home?
Do you think that that
sta-starling fits in from this?
Does it need to fit to go in too?
I thought they only come out
Don't your hear bell rang already?
-Yes yes
Go home with that goldeneye-nest.
-Happy weekend
Happy week-e-e-end
So, "silvuplee" to you too, thanks
Soikkeli is good and waits there
Yep
Yep, yep.
-Yep
Gee, boys have a ca-ca-ca-canoe
Not actually. -This is
sophisticated, who is this?
It's the metal works teacher
Just kidding, it's rubber
Let's remove the lid.
-Very elegant decor
Is this leop-leop-leopard?
No, it's "geopard" (cheetah).
-I see
Quadraphonic stereos.
-Yes, I got those in my car
You did, or I mean you do. In the middle
there's support for small of the back
Soikkeli is good and experiments
I don't think so.
-Harri goes now
Well okay then.
-Please, please
It's like made for the teacher.
-Quite suit-suited
Let's try...
-Just fine
Does the teacher know
who is Houdini? -I don't
That is good
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep
Soikkeli,
prepare for an art pleasure
Here comes our demo
Summer hit, Doomsday
On an infinite cassette
Open.
-Good day
Good morning, students
Good morning, mister Aarnio
It's another
tough workweek ahead
It's not beginning on
very bright circumstances
Is anyone having
pangs of conscience?
Loved workshop teacher,
Harri "Hyl" Soikkeli -
has been barred
in his workshop class
But we are letting
Harri himself to tell -
what happened and
name the guilty ones
On Friday afternoon
I was helding last -
workshop cl-cl-class
When two per-per... who
shall remain nameless...
persons...
When Harri's able to tell what happened,
the guilty ones will be punished
Next, traditional morning prayers -
is going to be held by -
loved religion and
sports teacher, Sampo Ekman
When I came
to school this morning -
I watched how little squirrel -
collected cones to store
Then I said to myself -
look Sampo, this is how it is -
also in humans' lives
We have to collect
life-cones to life's store
And morning prayers music
is performed -
by Sakari stermalm and Pertti.
-Thanks
Cool outfit
This our piece somewhat
relates to those life-cones
In a way, it's name is Doomsday
Galaxies blow up
and Keinonen descends
to punish everyone
Skeletons rise from their graves
Keinonen is released from his chains
Doomsday,
Doomsday -
it's Keinonen's name day
It's Doomsday,
it's Doomsday
Pertti's name day
That was flik flak -series.
This lecture's subject
Even though the move
is very simple -
we must recall,
that it begins -
from the hips
When we play baseball?
Not on the spring term, now
we practise flik flak -series
The first one is Sakari stermolm
Well, how about Prtti.
-Alright
So the movement
begins from the hips
Indeed.
-Yes, from deep
Can we play baseball already?
Alright Prtti, it's best
to forget that flik flak now
Focus on the bar,
this also is pelvis sport
And let go
Yes, don't brake
We still spin Keinonen, or
could we play baseball already?
Okay then, the slow ones
should also be ready by now
Who would come to translate
this sentence on the board?
Keinonen Pertti, please.
-With pleasure, teacher
Sami, say in two ways -
a horse, that runs
Hst, hsten springer -
som hsten,
it's at least one and...
Hst...
I can't figure out another
Sakari,
could you help Sami a bit?
En hst, som springer
(a horse, that runs)
Or from the same motif, using
the present participle -
en springande hst (a running horse)
-Very good, Sakari
And, looks like
Pertti is done already
Yes teacher, jag r allt frdigt hr
(I'm all finished here)
And the sentence was approximately:
widespread, uniform -
and rectangular color surfaces
are... -No doubt
...no doubt very mondrianic,
and same in Swedish
Och samma p svenska
(And same in Swedish)
(reads what's on board
very fast in Swedish)
Alright then,
could you still write -
that dressmakers are slow
and oh my pincers
Oh my pincers.
-And, voluntary homeworks' -
feedback right after the class
And Sami has
remedial teaching tomorrow
Tack s bra (thanks a lot)
Sakari had written
about space shuttles'
fuel systems,
it was very good Swedish -
but somewhat
too technical subject
Nevertheless 9 and half
Is the teacher married?
-Oh my Sakari -
those are my personal affairs
I didn't know that
Pertti is such a romantic
Wonderful poems, especially
this, "your blue eyes sake" -
was just charming.
-It's about a teacher
For daring to have feelings,
9 and half
Good day
I'm sickly excited.
-I'm so much in love
See, I did a napkin holder
for the teacher
Perfect. -Hey, now she comes,
now she comes
Oh my vitals.
-I'll give her life-cones
Teacher? Teacher?
Austere
Oh, life's harsh cones -
that is sickest,
that I've never seen
Went through quite a heavy
human relationship there, yes?
You wrote surprisingly good lyrics
for Doomsday by the way
Well, your melody
isn't much shittier
So, school wisdom and life wisdom
do not go hand in hand -
here is very living example of it
They're seriously
trying to get through
Kari is alone out there
Let's go and help
Don't have any hurry back
Can't drink anything here,
it's so dusty
Well let's taken when...
Here it goes
It's good like this too
What's banging there?
I don't know damnit,
devil has gotten loose, look
True leader
It'll be tough
Now the devil comes,
go and get bazooka
I can go and get it,
but we have no ammo
Where are they?
-I left them home under the bed
They're going to roll over us
Welcome to the velvety,
Kalevi Hrm front to front -
or From front to front
-entertainment tour
This next song
got hugely popular -
at Luxembourg side
The name is,
"I have returned"
Disco lights guide my ship
like a lighthouse
I miss a pilot, my keel
is scraping the bottom
I find you in corner,
behind a round table
Evening so hot
and song this -
will unite us tonight
I have done a comeback
He has returned
I composed a hit for you
in other words
I plagiarized disco piece
He made a comeback
Eventhough he had
never been missing
Kalevi brought the mood
Hrm (Finnish region)
and organs play
Greetings from home forces
Asked to bring you
this videocassette
It should have something exciting
to watch. -Thanks
We had a room reservation,
for a week
Name? -Maakanen,
mister ja Mrs Maakanen
Maakanen
Your room is not ready yet
You can wait
in the winter garden
And I will serve you sherry
This is nice
I poured slightly more for the bride
I wonder why
can't we get to our room yet?
Because sweepers are coming there
You are late again.
-We are sorry -
but town house cleaning
took hours...
Don't explain!
Clean the honeymoon suite quickly
Quickly!
So this is the honeymoon suite
Look, look
Look at that, it's a rat
Rat.
-Yes, a rat
Rat
Rat
Verner, don't squeeze the rat
too hard, it can die
Cat. -Yes, the cat lost its life,
when you squeezed too hard
Shall we start working?
Verner?
-Look
Verner, sweet under the bed.
-Okay
What was that?
Nothing. Calm down my love
I took liberty
to bring more sherry
We have happy hour now
Maybe no more sherry -
but could be order dinner?
-What?
Coq au vin (Wine rooster)
We serve the best
wine booster in the region
I leave these sherries anyway -
perhaps you want them later
See my rooster -
you are going to be a meal
for the bride and groom
Namely, a memento meal
Could we get to our room already?
Let's go and see
Is that bag very heavy?
-It isn't
Well then I could have
carried it too
It is this one
Gentlefolk is good
and shall do well
I took the liberty to
bring your forgotten sherries
Thank you.
-Place them there
Excellent
By the way, is it too hot here?
-No
Not at all.
-As it should be
It is clean here -
but we could rearrange
some things a bit
Excellent
Verner, Verner
You have to be careful
with glassware. -Okay
What was that?
Go and see
Go, go
What a dusty chandelier
Verner, go and catch crystal
polisher from the bucket
Bucket
It sure is strange
Verner, go and get brush.
-Brush
Wine rooster eh?
Wine taste has to be thick -
gushing -
and bloody
This is wrong
Brush
Fetch... brush
Otto? Otto?
Here you go, relaxed and happy
No, no, no
Otto? Otto?
(gibberish)
Come here
That boy up there,
he is Juhani
He is lord's little brother
And lord keeps him
in the cage because -
he is somewhat like you.
He is a bit weird
Hey don't cry now
Strong and bloody,
this is just right
Hands off taffel!
We were practising Chopin in
honor of afternoon. -Don't explain!
Don't you see that floors
are still not been scrubbed?
Act!
Goddamn it
Sherry is not having an effect -
so fate shall intervene the game
So this is what happened
You didn't drink your sherries
There's no soft pine soap left
Dear friends, my darling wife
Now that evil
has been defeated -
and our brutal lord is dead -
I want to thank you all
You Juhani, I want to
congratulate for being set free
You have life ahead of you and
you can become whatever
Such as... like a novelist
Otto and Verner...
Thank you, you saved my life
and our young marriage
Few words.
-Otto, Otto
For my behalf and
Verner's behalf I can say -
that lord's demise
was to us too -
immense relief
One more request
Seeing young love -
makes us immensely happy
Could you kiss?
Dudes
I think this decoration thing
begins to be ready
At least I'm damn proud.
What do you think?
I have no opinion anymore
Kari?
All the same
So what says reporter Ahonen?
Mauno?
-Right
What do you think of the cabin?
-Well personally I don't like
Besides this your surface
renovation comes a bit late
According to radio
this war ends in 3 seconds
Which is right now
So has this been
totally wasted trip then?
Don't get depressed now, the war
has its positive side too -
as it employs soldiers, arms dealers -
cuts off trash population
and indeed arse brushing -
Finns have something worth to
defend, er, Juha Mieto, buttermilk -
land Islands, Sweden, Norway
It sure got silent
the Finnish Broadcasting Corp,
Mauno Ahonen
Do you hear Jarkki?
Would you mind going to Siwa -
and buy one 6-pack, I should
be coming back on the next flight
I can get strong drinks
on the plane, but for morning
Right
Let's run away from the oat field
Run and disarm
Heaven leaks its light there
Let's bury the iron
to rust already
Da daa dada dada daada
sunflowers remain
They give yellow color to gold
but it is white
Believed in the right
and swore
but unnecessary murder
got tired, won
Or lost?
To whom bells these ring for?
Could I raise my head straight up?
Let's run away from from oat field
run and disarm
Heaven leaks its light there
Let's bury the iron
to rust already
Because light is fast
Da daa da dada daada
sunflowers remain -
They give yellow color to gold
but it is white
Da daa da dada daada
naked souls remain
so let's drink
young wine of freedom
Da daa da dada daada
sunflowers remain -
They give yellow color to gold
but it is white
Da daa da dada daada
naked souls remain -
so let's drink
young wine of freedom
Da daa da dada daada
sunflowers remain
great man withered so small
Da daa da dada daada
naked souls remain -
again a final war ended
Da daada dada daada
Goddamn,
what perverts are still here?
There are no boobs shown anymore
Go home