Kung Fury (2015) Movie Script
Hey, you got a permit
for those guns?
I got your permit right here.
Catchy tune.
Fuck this game.
FUCK YOU!
We need backup,
we need Kung Fury.
Yeah, that's my bicep.
One second babe.
Hello?
We got an arcade machine
down here going crazy,
it is killing everybody,
it's destruction,
chaos, terror-
What are you gonna do?
My job.
Game over.
I'm a cop and
damn good at my job.
It all began years ago.
In the line of duty,
me and my partner were
chasing down
a mysterious Kung Fu-master.
You're under arrest, punk.
Show us your hands.
Good work, Dragon.
That crazy stunt could've
killed us both.
But goddammit, you're the
best partner I've ever had.
Thanks,
I learned from the best.
You're like a father to me.
With one fatal blow,
he hit my partner.
I could tell
he was dead straight off.
Before I could pull the trigger
I was hit by lightning
and bitten by a cobra.
I blacked out.
And saw images of ancient
Shaolin temples and monks,
mastering the art of Kung Fu.
There was an ancient prophecy,
about a new form
of Kung Fu so powerful,
only one man could master it.
The chosen one.
When I woke up,
I saw the Kung Fu master
running towards me.
I could feel my body mutate
into some sort of
Kung Fu freak of nature.
You!
You are the chosen one!
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
Knuckles.
As a memento,
I put on a strip of cloth
from the dead Kung Fu master.
I decided I would use
my new super Kung Fu powers
to fight crime.
So, I became
the best cop in the world.
I became, Kung Fury.
I don't wanna hear it Kung Fury.
I just got back from city hall,
$50 million worth of damages,
and I got the mayor up
my ass like a fag on Viagra.
How am I going to explain
this to the press, hm?
You just destroyed an entire
city block for Christ's sake.
Didn't you tell me
to block it out?
I told you do it by the book.
Cut the bullshit.
Nobody else could have stopped
that arcade machine
and you know it.
Oh man, listen to me Kung Fury.
You need to start following
the rules like the rest of us,
so I'm assigning you
a new partner.
What?
Hell no, I work alone.
Not anymore you don't.
Say hi to your new partner,
Triceracop.
Very nice meeting you Kung Fury,
looking forward to
working with you.
You're like a father to me.
I work alone.
Either you team up
with Triceracop,
or you're off the case.
I'm not off the case,
I quit.
Yeah Yeah, I did the blood test.
It was positive, yeah?
What the hell
are you talking about?
Yeah no problem.
Give me the phone.
What the hell is this?
- Chief McNickles speaking.
- Is this the police?
- Yeah, this is the police.
- Fuck you!
MALFUNCTIONING?
I need someone
to trace that call!
But that's impossible!
Not for me it isn't.
Hackerman, he's the most
powerful hacker of all time.
Follow me.
I was able to triangulate
the cell phone signal
and trace the caller.
His name is Adolf Hitler.
Hitler, he's the worst
criminal of all time.
Do you know him, sir?
I guess you could say that.
In the 1940's,
Hitler was a Kung Fu champion.
He was so good at Kung Fu,
that he decided to change
his name to Kung Fhrer.
But he didn't stop there.
He knew of
the Kung Fury prophecy,
and wanted to claim the throne.
He and his posse of
Nazi soldiers
conducted experiments
for years.
But they weren't able
to figure out
how to master the art
of Kung Fury.
And one day,
he disappeared
from the face of the earth.
And no-one has seen him
ever since.
Until now.
I guess he figured if he could
find and kill the chosen one,
he would become
Kung Fury himself.
He must have traveled in time
in order to get here,
that's probably why
he disappeared.
So, what're you gonna do?
My job.
I'm gonna go back in time
to Nazi Germany,
and kill Hitler,
once and for all.
So, how are you gonna do that?
I'm not sure.
I need some sort of
time machine.
Wait a minute,
using an RX modulator,
I might be able to conduct
a mainframe cell direct and
hack the uplink to the download.
What does that mean?
With the right algorithms,
I can hack you back in time.
Just like a time machine.
Well then, it's hacking time.
Oh, no!
Fuck!
That's a Laser-Raptor.
I thought they went
extinct thousands of years ago.
Who are you?
My name,
is Barbarianna.
What year is this?
It's the Viking age.
That explains the Laser-Raptor.
Fuck!
I went too far back in time.
You need to get out
of this valley.
This place is swarming
with Laser-Raptors.
I'll meet you at the God's drop.
Katana can help you get there.
Who's Katana?
I'm Katana.
I can give you a ride to Asgard.
A ride on what?
So, who are you?
I'm a cop from the future.
I was sent back in time
to kill Hitler,
but I accidently went
too far back in time
and ended up in this place.
I know someone
who might be able to help you.
Thor!
Behold! It is me, Thor!
Son of Odin
and protector of mankind.
Check out my pecs.
Your pecs are epic.
Thanks bro!
So, anyway.
Thor, this is Kung Fury,
he's a cop from the future.
Yeah, I need to get to
Nazi Germany and kill Hitler...
- so if you could help me with--
- Stop!
Hammer time.
Walk through this portal and
you'll end up in Nazi Germany.
Good luck to you Kung Fury!
Thanks Thor!
Well,
looks like this is my ride.
Hey, future cop,
where are you going?
You know what.
Here, take my number.
And use this phone to call me.
It's a personal, transportable,
cellular telephone.
It features 645 channel
capacity,
10 number speed dial,
and an electronic security lock.
This revolution in communication
could make it possible
for more and more people
to have a phone in their car!
Tank you.
I'm the greatest Kung Fu master
of all time,
right guys?
Thank you!
I'm disarming you.
My arm! My arm!
Kill him!
You don't need that spine,
it's holding your back!
A-ha!
Fuck you Kung Fury.
Now nothing can stop me
and my army of death.
Thank you guys!
What the fuck?
Kill them!
Alright Hitler, the gig is up,
show me your hands.
Hackerman,
have you seen Kung Fury?
Oh, no! We were too late.
Who the hell are you?
My name is Cobra.
I've been expecting you
Kung Fury.
I'm your spirit animal.
What the hell is this place?
This is heaven,
I'm afraid you're dead.
What?
But it looks so real.
Yeah, no it's totally real.
Mr. Cobra, I'm a police officer.
I need you to send me
back to earth, pronto.
I'm sorry,
I can't help you with that.
You see, you're dead.
- You're under arrest!
- What?
For obstruction of justice,
you're breaking the law!
What the hell happened?
I hacked away all of
your bullet wounds Kung Fury.
Thanks!
I want to welcome you
and your friends to Germany.
We are not so different,
you and I.
I mean we both got
good style, you know?
Red, you know?
So, that's cool!
We both like doing moves,
check it out!
And killing people, I love it,
you clearly do, too!
And that's cool!
Join me,
we could be brothers,
we are so alike.
It's almost like
we finish each other's...
- Balls.
- What?
Oh, my,
not much left of him is there?
The important thing is that
he is gone.
Sorry I doubted you Triceracop.
You're the best damn partner
I've ever had.
I came back in time
for you Kung Fury,
because, damn it,
I love you.
Team work is very important.
So, what happens now Kung Fury?
Well, I need to
head back to the office.
Looks like it's gonna be
hell of a lot of paperwork.
Open the doors, Hoff.
I'm sorry Fury,
I can't let you do that.
Open the doors, Hoff!
I'm sorry, I can't let you
open the doors Kung Fury.
Goddammit, open the doors!
- Sorry I can't--
- Open the doors!
Did anyone ever tell you
not to hassle the Hoff 9000?
Oh, Hoff 9000,
you son of a bitch.
Piece of shit.
Oh, my,
not much left of him is there?
The important thing is that
he is gone.
Game over.
Wait a minute,
I've seen that symbol before...
somewhere.
Hitler!
for those guns?
I got your permit right here.
Catchy tune.
Fuck this game.
FUCK YOU!
We need backup,
we need Kung Fury.
Yeah, that's my bicep.
One second babe.
Hello?
We got an arcade machine
down here going crazy,
it is killing everybody,
it's destruction,
chaos, terror-
What are you gonna do?
My job.
Game over.
I'm a cop and
damn good at my job.
It all began years ago.
In the line of duty,
me and my partner were
chasing down
a mysterious Kung Fu-master.
You're under arrest, punk.
Show us your hands.
Good work, Dragon.
That crazy stunt could've
killed us both.
But goddammit, you're the
best partner I've ever had.
Thanks,
I learned from the best.
You're like a father to me.
With one fatal blow,
he hit my partner.
I could tell
he was dead straight off.
Before I could pull the trigger
I was hit by lightning
and bitten by a cobra.
I blacked out.
And saw images of ancient
Shaolin temples and monks,
mastering the art of Kung Fu.
There was an ancient prophecy,
about a new form
of Kung Fu so powerful,
only one man could master it.
The chosen one.
When I woke up,
I saw the Kung Fu master
running towards me.
I could feel my body mutate
into some sort of
Kung Fu freak of nature.
You!
You are the chosen one!
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
Knuckles.
As a memento,
I put on a strip of cloth
from the dead Kung Fu master.
I decided I would use
my new super Kung Fu powers
to fight crime.
So, I became
the best cop in the world.
I became, Kung Fury.
I don't wanna hear it Kung Fury.
I just got back from city hall,
$50 million worth of damages,
and I got the mayor up
my ass like a fag on Viagra.
How am I going to explain
this to the press, hm?
You just destroyed an entire
city block for Christ's sake.
Didn't you tell me
to block it out?
I told you do it by the book.
Cut the bullshit.
Nobody else could have stopped
that arcade machine
and you know it.
Oh man, listen to me Kung Fury.
You need to start following
the rules like the rest of us,
so I'm assigning you
a new partner.
What?
Hell no, I work alone.
Not anymore you don't.
Say hi to your new partner,
Triceracop.
Very nice meeting you Kung Fury,
looking forward to
working with you.
You're like a father to me.
I work alone.
Either you team up
with Triceracop,
or you're off the case.
I'm not off the case,
I quit.
Yeah Yeah, I did the blood test.
It was positive, yeah?
What the hell
are you talking about?
Yeah no problem.
Give me the phone.
What the hell is this?
- Chief McNickles speaking.
- Is this the police?
- Yeah, this is the police.
- Fuck you!
MALFUNCTIONING?
I need someone
to trace that call!
But that's impossible!
Not for me it isn't.
Hackerman, he's the most
powerful hacker of all time.
Follow me.
I was able to triangulate
the cell phone signal
and trace the caller.
His name is Adolf Hitler.
Hitler, he's the worst
criminal of all time.
Do you know him, sir?
I guess you could say that.
In the 1940's,
Hitler was a Kung Fu champion.
He was so good at Kung Fu,
that he decided to change
his name to Kung Fhrer.
But he didn't stop there.
He knew of
the Kung Fury prophecy,
and wanted to claim the throne.
He and his posse of
Nazi soldiers
conducted experiments
for years.
But they weren't able
to figure out
how to master the art
of Kung Fury.
And one day,
he disappeared
from the face of the earth.
And no-one has seen him
ever since.
Until now.
I guess he figured if he could
find and kill the chosen one,
he would become
Kung Fury himself.
He must have traveled in time
in order to get here,
that's probably why
he disappeared.
So, what're you gonna do?
My job.
I'm gonna go back in time
to Nazi Germany,
and kill Hitler,
once and for all.
So, how are you gonna do that?
I'm not sure.
I need some sort of
time machine.
Wait a minute,
using an RX modulator,
I might be able to conduct
a mainframe cell direct and
hack the uplink to the download.
What does that mean?
With the right algorithms,
I can hack you back in time.
Just like a time machine.
Well then, it's hacking time.
Oh, no!
Fuck!
That's a Laser-Raptor.
I thought they went
extinct thousands of years ago.
Who are you?
My name,
is Barbarianna.
What year is this?
It's the Viking age.
That explains the Laser-Raptor.
Fuck!
I went too far back in time.
You need to get out
of this valley.
This place is swarming
with Laser-Raptors.
I'll meet you at the God's drop.
Katana can help you get there.
Who's Katana?
I'm Katana.
I can give you a ride to Asgard.
A ride on what?
So, who are you?
I'm a cop from the future.
I was sent back in time
to kill Hitler,
but I accidently went
too far back in time
and ended up in this place.
I know someone
who might be able to help you.
Thor!
Behold! It is me, Thor!
Son of Odin
and protector of mankind.
Check out my pecs.
Your pecs are epic.
Thanks bro!
So, anyway.
Thor, this is Kung Fury,
he's a cop from the future.
Yeah, I need to get to
Nazi Germany and kill Hitler...
- so if you could help me with--
- Stop!
Hammer time.
Walk through this portal and
you'll end up in Nazi Germany.
Good luck to you Kung Fury!
Thanks Thor!
Well,
looks like this is my ride.
Hey, future cop,
where are you going?
You know what.
Here, take my number.
And use this phone to call me.
It's a personal, transportable,
cellular telephone.
It features 645 channel
capacity,
10 number speed dial,
and an electronic security lock.
This revolution in communication
could make it possible
for more and more people
to have a phone in their car!
Tank you.
I'm the greatest Kung Fu master
of all time,
right guys?
Thank you!
I'm disarming you.
My arm! My arm!
Kill him!
You don't need that spine,
it's holding your back!
A-ha!
Fuck you Kung Fury.
Now nothing can stop me
and my army of death.
Thank you guys!
What the fuck?
Kill them!
Alright Hitler, the gig is up,
show me your hands.
Hackerman,
have you seen Kung Fury?
Oh, no! We were too late.
Who the hell are you?
My name is Cobra.
I've been expecting you
Kung Fury.
I'm your spirit animal.
What the hell is this place?
This is heaven,
I'm afraid you're dead.
What?
But it looks so real.
Yeah, no it's totally real.
Mr. Cobra, I'm a police officer.
I need you to send me
back to earth, pronto.
I'm sorry,
I can't help you with that.
You see, you're dead.
- You're under arrest!
- What?
For obstruction of justice,
you're breaking the law!
What the hell happened?
I hacked away all of
your bullet wounds Kung Fury.
Thanks!
I want to welcome you
and your friends to Germany.
We are not so different,
you and I.
I mean we both got
good style, you know?
Red, you know?
So, that's cool!
We both like doing moves,
check it out!
And killing people, I love it,
you clearly do, too!
And that's cool!
Join me,
we could be brothers,
we are so alike.
It's almost like
we finish each other's...
- Balls.
- What?
Oh, my,
not much left of him is there?
The important thing is that
he is gone.
Sorry I doubted you Triceracop.
You're the best damn partner
I've ever had.
I came back in time
for you Kung Fury,
because, damn it,
I love you.
Team work is very important.
So, what happens now Kung Fury?
Well, I need to
head back to the office.
Looks like it's gonna be
hell of a lot of paperwork.
Open the doors, Hoff.
I'm sorry Fury,
I can't let you do that.
Open the doors, Hoff!
I'm sorry, I can't let you
open the doors Kung Fury.
Goddammit, open the doors!
- Sorry I can't--
- Open the doors!
Did anyone ever tell you
not to hassle the Hoff 9000?
Oh, Hoff 9000,
you son of a bitch.
Piece of shit.
Oh, my,
not much left of him is there?
The important thing is that
he is gone.
Game over.
Wait a minute,
I've seen that symbol before...
somewhere.
Hitler!