Larger Than Life (1996) Movie Script
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
MAN: Thank you.
Thank you and welcome,
ladies and gentlemen,
to the 34th annual convention
of the American Motion
Upholstery Association.
Thank you.
Wasn't lunch wonderful?
Perfect. As you know,
this year's not
been an easy one
for our industry.
As we're listening
to our inspiring
keynote speaker today,
he'll be giving us
a useful shot in the arm.
[PANTING]
He is the author
of the bookGet Over It,
[MOBILE PHONE RINGING]
a rising star in the field
of personal motivation.
Yes, Mom.
I will. On time.
No, okay,
but I've got be on time, now,
for my introduction.
Okay, and please don't call
during the speech.
Remember, as we listen
to his inspiring words...
Brrr!
That motion
is our middle name.
And forward motion
is our goal.
I'm glad you're gonna
get to know Jack Cochran.
Corcoran!
Corcoran!
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[GASPING]
I'm over it.
Hello. Thank you.
Thank you, John.
My father died
before I was born,
trying to save a child
drowning in icy water.
And it took me
a long time
before I stopped
resenting that.
Finally I did.
Finally,
I was able to
get over it.
And when I did,
I found out
a lot of things
about me
that were neat.
Neat things
that I wanted to share
with other people
who maybe didn't know
some neat things
about themselves.
Now, I see some
people out here
looking just
confused as heck.
Now, here's somebody here
who's just bored to tears.
[WHISPERING]
I'm gonna sneak right up
on him. Don't tell him.
I'm gonna look
at his nametag.
[SHOUTING]
Richie! Richie,
I caught you!
I caught him.
Richie's here,
building a pyramid
of sugar cubes.
You made a nice pyramid.
That's right.
You have good ideas.
You want to do things,
you're motivated.
That's okay.
But wouldn't you rather
work with people
than with sugar cubes?
Don't think about
it too much.
Come here. Just a sec.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Come on, help me out here.
Who else we got here?
Who's this?
Joe, stand up.
Come on here.
You're a big guy.
Looks like a hip cat, right?
Who else?
Come here, you.
You're a big drink of water.
Get over here.
Careful, everybody.
Are you supposed
to be in a parade,
later today?
Nice outfit. Very good.
You're lookin' great.
Would you mind getting down
on your hands and knees?
Come on, make a move.
I don't wanna... I don't
have all day. Let's go.
C'mon, these are busy
important people,
and we don't have all day.
Mike, is it?
Will you play our game?
Come on.
You ever done
this before?
It's a big thing
in our country.
Get right up on
Marion, here, okay?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Now, put a knee
right in the middle of
Marion's back.
Come on. You're gonna
love this.
You're gonna love this.
Hey, come on, you.
You're a mid-size.
Getver here.
Get over here,
on him.
Get over here.
A knee on him.
You've seen it before.
Okay, we want an itty-bitty.
Betty, come on.
Beth. let's go. Let's go.
No, it's not horsy this time.
No, no, I'm sorry.
This isn't the vacation
you dreamed of.
Right over here.
Let me help you
out here now.
[WOMAN SHRIEKING]
Okay.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Help me, somebody.
I'm a motivator,
not a physical therapist.
Get over here.
Look, center.
Come on, here. All right,
now, all right.
Here, come here.
Help me out, here.
Lift her.
Lift her.
Ally...
One, two, three.
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Is that the kind of thing
you were hoping for?
Yeah.
All right. We got men
and women working together
for the same cause.
And we've built
something beautiful.
Let's get this over
with in a hurry.
Joe, come on.
Hey, pull 'em out here.
Hey! All right.
JACK: Whereas
my first wife, Gloria,
was a caretaker,
codependent,
complainer,
my fiancee, Celeste,
will be a caring person,
my coequal,
and a celebrator.
I'm graduating
from my ABCs
to D, E and F.
Deliberate,
eliminate, and finish.
ANNOUNCER: Jack Cochran,
ladies and gentleman.
Thank you, Jack.
[WHISTLE BLOWING]
WOMAN:
First, on the side.
WOMAN 2:
Yes, right on the side,
and then the olive.
Always better if you put
the parsley on first.
Oh.You see there?
Sweetheart. Hi.
Oh, change out of
your suit, honey.
I stopped by your place
and got your sports jacket.
Thank you.
[KISSING SOUND]
He is so cute.
You got three dates
coming up.
You got Modesto
on the 18th,
the Wall Applications
Association.
Is that anything
like wallpaper?
Don't... Don't hurt
me like that, okay?
I go very deep
for you, Jack.
This is when he was a baby.
This was when
he was in the sixth grade.
On the 21st,
the American Sand
and Gravel Congress.
Okay, now we are doubling up,
because I think
I did the Grit Festival
two months ago, didn't I?
Jack, they're not interested
in your jokes.
Isn't he gorgeous?
Their entire focus
is going to be
on expanding
their market share,
all right?
Why don't you
put your entire focus on
getting me some better gigs?
I got you a better gig,
all right?
The Investment
Strategy Summit,
New Orleans.
That could lead
to an infomercial.
From your mouth
to God's ears, all right?
Oh, listen,
if I may say,
I endorse
this engagement fully,
all right?
Without family obligations,
you're vulnerable to drift.
You are a romantic.
I'm gonna drift.
Jack, she's wonderful.
Great.
Jack, congratulations,
you old son-of-a-gun.
Hey, Jack. Way to go.
Hey, Jack,
congratulations.
Beautiful.
Thank you, moonman, yeah.
[GRUNTING]
Ugh.
These are old.
These are
magic animals, Mr. Matt.
MATT: Really?
My father made these.
Time for telegrams.
"You've only just begun.
"A kiss for luck,
and you're on your way.
"Walter."
[SIGHING]
That's lovely!
It's from a song.
Yeah, I'm here.
"Dear Mr. Corcoran."
It's for me.
Hmm!
"We regret to inform you
of the death of your father."
Well, this is original,
anyway.
[SIGHING]
I hope nobody thought
that was funny.
Yeah.
Hold on a second.
This says he died last month
in Maryland.
That's... That's not funny.
That's not funny at all.
Here, let me...
All right.
No, wait, wait.
[STUTTERING]
"We have been placed
in charge of his effects
"and rather
large inheritance."
We're rich.
"We strongly recommend
that you come
to our offices
"as soon as possible
to claim same.
"Trowbridge Bowers,
attorney at law."
Is that true?
No, this is just
some kind of
bureaucratic bungling.
Don't worry,
I'll call 'em tomorrow.
That's all right,
you don't need
to call a lawyer
and tell him
your husband died
40 years ago.
I'll call them
and tell them we'll take
the inheritance, though.
Just let me do it,
Jackie, please.
Oh!
Are you all right?
Of course.
I'm always all right.
You haven't called me Jackie
since I was a little kid.
Mom.
Mom, you just can't say,
"Okay, maybe
he hasn't been dead
all these years.
"Let's do the dishes."
Well, what can I say?
You can't say that.
Jackie, just calm down.
I had a dad all these years
and I didn't know it,
and now that I know it,
I don't have one.
Jack? Jack,
why don't we go in...
Am I crazy?
Am I crazy?
[TAP CLOSING]
I left him, Jack.
I left him,
and I took you with me,
and I didn't tell him
where we were going.
Did he beat you?
No, he didn't beat me.
Was he a criminal,
or something?
No, he wasn't
a criminal.
Well then, tell me, Mom,
what was he?
He was irresponsible!
[LAUGHS]
Irresponsible?
He wouldn't hold
down a job.
He kept moving us
from one place to another.
I couldn't count
on a man like that
when I had a baby.
He was irresponsible,
so you killed him.
Oh, Jack.
Jack, Jack.
She didn't kill him.
She did kill him.
She drowned him.
I couldn't have him
influencing you.
Boys learn
from their fathers.
I'll have to take your word
on that.
Jack!
[DOOR OPENING]
[DOOR CLOSING]
Did I do something wrong?
[SIGHS]
Let him walk it off.
[DOOR CLOSING]
Yes. Yes, I'm on hold.
Mmm-hmm.
Excuse me, I'm looking
for Trowbridge Bowers,
attorney at law.
My name
is Jack Corcoran.
Your people sent me this.
[WHISPERING]
You're him.
Mr. Bowers,
it's the son.
Yes?
Ah.
Well, Mr. Corcoran,
at last.
Come in. Come in.
Nice to meet you,
under difficult
circumstances, son.
Have the...
brought around now.
Sit down. Sit down.
All right, sir. Ha.
Took a while to find you.
Heh, heh.
ATTORNEY: I know
this came as a shock.
Mr. Bowers,
I never knew my father.
Nor did I.
Heart attack.
Happened to be
passing through town.
Since I represent
the facility
where he was appearing,
it fell to me to take charge
of his effects.
Appearing?
This
should clarify.
My father was a giant?
We saved his nose. Here.
[SQUEAKING]
I had a clown for a dad?
And a very jolly one,
I understand.
Traveled with a small circus.
When he passed away,
the caravan moved on.
Now, Mr. Corcoran,
as to your bequest.
There's a rather substantial
dollar figure involved.
I'm over it.
How much?
Marcy, can you bring in
Mr. Corcoran's papers, please?
Thank you.
Right here, Mr. Corcoran,
is the amount.
$35,000?
Well, thanks, Dad,
for something.
What? Do I have
to sign something?
Yes, right there.
Marcy, if you'll
witness, please.
ATTORNEY:
Now, forgive me for asking,
but this is a great deal
of money.
How will you be
paying the 35,000?
What? Wait a minute.
Me, pay you?
My fee, property damage,
upkeep...
Upkeep of a trunk?
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETING]
There is the bulk
of your inheritance.
[TRUMPETS]
Oh, no.
I don't want it.
Why would the man
leave me an elephant?
UNIFORMED MAN:
Hey, hey, come back here!
[GATE CLANKING]
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
There's your
property damage.
ATTORNEY:
It hates fences.
Well, I'm not paying
for what
somebody's elephant does.
I'll take this.
My father never gave
me enough toys anyway.
Mr. Corcoran, I am not
in the elephant business.
Well, you ain't much
of a lawyer, either.
This can't be legal.
Signed and witnessed.Uh-huh.
I was misled.
I am not responsible.
And I am outta here.
You'll be hearing
from my mother.
Mr. Corcoran,
I love litigation.
[SCOFFING]
[CAR ALARM WAILING]
It's out again.
Get off the street.
It's yours! It's him!
MAN: He's that
elephant man!
GIRL: It should be
in a zoo.
Hope you got insurance, pal.
WOMAN: You should both
be in a zoo.
Take it outta here!
Yeah, get it outta here.
JACK: Nice town,
nice people.
[GROWLING]
[TRUMPETING]
[LIFE IS A CARNIVALPLAYING]
You can walk on the water
Drown in the sand
Ahh!
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]
You can fly off
the mountaintop,
if anybody can
Run away, run away
It's the restless age
Look away, look away
JACK: Move or die!
Whoa!
[MAN HOLLERING]
Heads up! Heads up!
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
[PEOPLE ARGUING]
[BELLOWING]
[PANTING]
[GASPS]
Stay! Stay!
[ELEPHANT GRUMBLING]
Sit! Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Oh!
[TRUMPETS]
[GRUMBLES]
[ELEPHANT WHINES]
[CAR APPROACHING]
POLICE RADIO:
...in the park, multiple
citizen reports of
an elephant running loose...
POLICEMAN:
Gonna have to get your
elephant out of town, sir.
It's not my elephant.
I was defrauded.
I want to lodge
a complaint.
Oh, you weasel-faced shyster.
JACK: Come on out.
If you don't take charge
of that elephant,
you're going to jail.
I've got to make speeches
in Modesto, Tampa,
and New Orleans.
I've got an apartment
with a no-pet clause.
I'll slap a lien
on that dwelling
and garnish your fees
for those speeches.
And if you don't
pay me $35,000 in 14 days,
you might as well
pitch a tent
in our little courtroom.
You well-dressed worm,
get outta there.
Slide outta there,
will you, please?
Folks in this town
used to think
we hated New Yorkers
more than anything.
Now they run
a close second
to elephants.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Not now.
It's your mommy.Uh-huh.
[TWO-WAY RADIO WARBLES]
Is there any way
I could get back to you?
No, you don't know him.
He's a new friend.
Ahem.
I've gotta go.
[PHONE BEEPS]
[ELEPHANT GRUNTING]
I believe your elephant
likes you.
I believe
you remind that elephant
of your old man.
Didn't my father
leave any instructions
for this?
Ask the well-dressed
worm.
Here's the will,
for what it's worth.
[ENGINE STARTS]
What's its name?
ATTORNEY: Vera.
Oh, my God.
He named it
after my mother.
[GROANING]
"To Jackie.
I know I haven't been
the best father."
Dad, shouldn't this read,
"I've been
no father at all"?
"But do me one favor, Son."
Sure.
"Take care of her.
"If stuck,
"call blockhead.
"K.C."
That's a nice touch.
Last words to me,
and you sign off
with your initials.
"Call blockhead."
What's that
supposed to mean?
Call Vera "blockhead"?
Blockhead.
[SNORTING]
Don't get huffy, now,
that was
Dad's sole piece of advice.
Where would you dump
an elephant? The zoo.
[PHONE DIALING]
[PHONE RINGING]
Yes, information?
Can I have the number
of the local...
[VERA GRUMBLING]
Hey.
[DIAL TONE BEGINS] Hey! What...
[PHONE DIALING]
[VERA MURMURING]
Oh, he taught you
that one, huh?
Very nice little trick.
All right, wise guy,
give it to me.
Mmm...
Mmm-hmm. Uh.
[TRUMPETS]
Give it to me.
[GROWLS]
Okay. All right.
Put it down now.
Step on it.
What is your problem?
[SNORTS]
Great.
Great. Come on.
Let's go.
Hey!
Wait up.
Wait up there.
As I walk down
the street
Seems everyone I meet
gives me a friendly hello
I saw your show.
It's not my show.
You're not the clown?
He was my...
JACK:
Think you could direct
me to the local zoo?
BOY: You should've
seen that clown
get it to do tricks,
just with all
different whistles.
Whistles?
Stop!
[JACK WHISTLING] Find a pay phone.
[WHISTLING]
The zoo is a couple
of miles from here.
Really?
MAN: I don't have
the space here.
My mission is small animals.
Haven't you ever seen
a petting zoo before?
Is that yours?
Could you get it
off me, please?
Johnny, shoo.
Get off of me.
Johnny, shoo. Shoo.
Shoo. Shoo.
Shoo, Johnny.
Johnny, shoo.
Throw something bigger.
Shoo! Thank you.
JACK: Can you recommend
a facility that takes
animals of this size?
[MOTOR RUNNING]
MAN: Three hundred bucks
is what pops into my mind.
Three hundred?
That's a little steep for
one night, don't you think?
Compared to what?
Compared to The Ritz.
So, go there.
[SNIFFING]
[GRUMBLING]
[NOSE SQUEAKING]
[WHISPERS] Wow.
Back roads
all across the country.
What a life.
And that will.
"Call blockhead.
"K.C."
Hello, Mom.
I was kidnapped.
I just got off the phone
with Trowbridge Bowers.
How is Mr. Bowers?
He's wondering
how you were going to
come up with $35,000.
Sell Vera for dog food.
Is that supposed
to be funny?
Mom, Vera is the elephant.
Oh, my God.
How is that supposed
to make me feel?
Mom, in the will
he mentioned somebody
from Kansas City.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
the human blockhead,
Vernon Sawitsky.
The human blockhead?
Be home, Vernon.
Be home.
WOMAN: Hello?
Hello, may I speak
with Vernon, please?
Gone to bed.
Can I get a number?
Aw! I'm at area code
410, Klingman 5...
87-56.
Who is this?
Oh, I'm Kirby's son.
Oh, hello!
Hello.
[RECEIVER CLICKING]
Where am I gonna find
a zoo open at this hour?
The West Coast, perhaps.
[PHONE KEYS BEEPING]
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Yeah?
Mo, in elephants? Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry,
for a second there,
you sounded like a woman.
I just got an elephant
all of a sudden,
and everyone...
All the zoos say,
"Talk to Mo
in San Diego."
Did Terry
put you up to this?
Terry tries to snake up
every elephant
that comes my way.
Who's Terry?
Whoa, put that down.
Put it down.
Oh! Down, Vera!
[WHISTLING]
Down!
Down!
[WHISTLING]
My elephant just
picked up a V.W. bug.
I don't have
time for this.
You don't? Vera!
[WHISTLES]
She put it down.
My name is Jack Corcoran,
and I just inherited
an elephant
from my father
the clown,
and I was wondering,
do you happen to
know anybody
who needs an elephant?
If you're on the level, Jack,
I happen to need one myself.
Not that it's any
of your beeswax,
but on the 24th of this month
I'm sending a small herd
down to Sri Lanka,
for a gene-pool experiment.
Air force is allowing
us to piggyback
on one of their
humanitarian missions.
You got a
breeding-age female?
Well, I think
she would have to be.
Her name is Vera.
My name's Mo.
If male elephants
are anything like male police
horses, she's a female.
Do me a favor. Look at
the bottom of her foot and
tell me if it's wrinkled.
How am I supposed to
look at the bottom...
If you don't know
how to do that, sir,
you don't have any business
being with an elephant.
I have no business
being with an elephant.
Oh, wait a second.
Hold on. I know this one.
Vera.
What is your problem?
[VERA GRUNTS]
Heh. Heh, heh.
Good. Okay.
At ease. At ease.
[VERA GRUMBLES]
It's incredibly smooth.
Excellent! Means
she's young enough to breed.
Where are you?
I'm in a junkyard
in Maryland.
A junkyard?
Get her outta there.
[LAUGHING]
Well, you know what?
The Hilton's all booked up.
I'll tell you what,
you bring her here,
I'll give you $30,000 for her.
How about this?
You come here and get her,
and you give me $36,000.
I can't go that high.
Well, I can't
get her that far.
Bring her by rail.
How am I gonna
get an elephant
to take a train?
You don't make an
elephant do anything, sir.
You treat it with respect.
You show her that you care,
and she'll wanna
take the train.
Excuse me, I just gotta
brush away a tear here.
Dare I ask
if you're even feeding
her properly?
Do you know that an elephant
needs 200 pounds of grains,
fruits and vegetables a day,
not to mention at least
25 gallons of water.
Mo, I don't eat
that well, okay?
Now look, can you
come up with 34,000?
Listen to me. The herd
is leaving on the 24th,
with or without her.
I'm probably gonna
have to entertain
some other offers.
I'm probably
gonna talk to Roy
of Siegfried and Roy.
[DIAL TONE]
Hello?
Pleasure chatting, Mo.
[DOG BARKING]
Dah!
Be my friend, please.
[TRUMPETING]
No, come on back.
Come on back,
Mr. Tough Junkyard.
You want some of me?
Stay outta this.
Stay out of this, Vera.
Want some of me?
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
[THUNDER CLAPS] Ahh!
Wah!
[PANTING]
Ah!
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Is this Vernon?
VERNON:
Oh, Kirby, I declare.
I'm sure sorry
to hear that.
I knew Kirby as well as
anyone, I guess, outside
of Vera, of course.
Oh, now don't you
spill Grandpa's
coffee, baby boop!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You managed to have
a career and family.
Yeah, it wasn't hard.
So, can you just tell me
how to handle her?
Well, son, I couldn't
begin to show you that
over the telephone.
Why don't you
come to see us
in Kansas City?
Come see you?
Well, I'll tell you what.
If I'm in Kansas City,
I definitely will come by
and see you.
Say hi to Mrs. Blockhead.
She didn't break your fence.
She leaned on it.
And your dog doesn't
have a scratch on it.
[WHIMPERS]
Yeah, but his spirit's broke.
MAN ON TV: At the age of 32,
this one man,
Anthony Robbins,
has helped
over a million people
dramatically improve
the quality of their lives.
Recognized byTime...
The guy changed my life.
Hmm!
JACK: Too bad.
There's a sign, "No shoes,
no shirt, no service."
Just deal with it, okay?
All right.
Stop when you
get to 25 gallons.
[GULPS]
That's one.
How much is your salad bar?
4.95.
I mean,
the entire salad bar.
Your lunch crowd
is over anyway, right?
[TRUMPETING]
To go, please.
There you go.
[LIFE IS A CARNIVALPLAYING]
There you go.
Touch the lettuce
please, don't touch me.
Don't touch me!
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
We're all
in the same boat
Ready to float off
the edge of the world
The flat old world
The street is a sideshow
from the peddler
to the corner girl
[VERA TRUMPETING]
Life is a carnival
Life is a carnival
You the guy called
about the elephant?
Elephant?
Ah!
Yeah.
JACK: That's great.
That is wonderful.
But that is not
what I asked for.
Put your nose down,
and come on up into the car.
Here's Kirby's trunk.
Come on, let's go.
On three. One, two, three.
[WHISTLES]
No!
No, God!
No, this is not
the right thing.
This is the wrong thing.
We did this already.
No, don't sit down.
Please, don't
sit down. Please.
No, don't sit down.
Stand up. You can
sit down in the car.
Come on. God.
MAN: Well, clip my mane,
and call me baldy.
What is this here?
What does this
here look like?
This here is an elephant.
Dead? Not on my train.
She's not dead.
She's just stubborn.
She's just impossible.
Oh, get up, dammit.
Get up, Vera! Vera!
Your train?
Who are you?
Hurst.
And I haven't approved this.
But I called and
arranged everything.
Oh, you arranged
with the local fellow.
You didn't arrange
with the train, and
you didn't arrange with me.
You want me
to take responsibility
for a tipped-over
elephant, all the way
to San Diego?
First,
she's not gonna
stay tipped over.
[LAUGHING]
So you say.
Second...
Every state line
has laws and inspections.
Which means
at every state line,
my job is on the line.
Now, I get terminated now,
my pension's only 13,500.
I make it to retirement,
and it's 28,000.
Take that, and factor in
all this... Let's see.
Kansas, Colorado,
Nevada, and that's...
2,600!
[WHISTLES]
Now, you got
30 seconds, friend.
We're gonna roll,
with him
or without him.
It's a her.
I don't care what it is.
It don't make me
no never mind.
But, I've got
600 bucks in cash.
To San Diego?
With an elephant
manifestly uncontrollable?
Why didn't you learn
how to manage her before
you took her on the road?
What about Kansas City?
Mmm... Well, I don't know.
All right.
If you two hustle in
there, right now.
Not me. I'm flying.
Oh, no, no.
Unaccompanied
elephant would be
twice the risk.
[VERA GROWLING]
I'll ride with her
in the boxcar.
I thought so.
She seems to like you.
[VERA GRUNTS]
You keep that door
near about closed,
Colonel. Charlie!
'Cause anybody sees you two,
you're walkin' the tracks.
[LAUGHING]
[EVERYBODY LOVES A TRAIN
PLAYING]
Goin' down the rails
and coming back
Train a-comin' going
clack, clack, clack
I hate you.
I hate you.
[LAUGHING]
This is a funny joke, Dad.
I... I...
[LAUGHING]
You think this is funny?
Steel whistle blowing
a crazy sound
Jump on a car
when she comes around
Clack, clack, clack
Quick, hide.
Hey.
[GRUNTS]
Woo!
We're comin' into St. Louis.
Be in K.C.
in the morning.
Here. Ah.
Ah.
[VERA CHIRPING]
Ah, late night snack.
That'll be 10 bucks.
No.
Yeah, well,
I thought you were
probably holdin' back
a little cash on me.
Then I began to
"D," deliberate.
You what?
I recognized
you right away.
You addressed
our union convention.
I never thought of working
these little sidelines
till after I heard you talk.
You make me very proud.
[TRAIN BRAKES SCREECHING]
[PANTING]
I don't know about you,
but I'm gettin' off.
JACK:
Excuse me, fellas.
Can you tell me where
there's a cesspool
I can scrub up in?
[ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING]
MAN ON LOUDSPEAKER:
Hey, Kirby's boy,
step right up.
Oh, my God.
Step right up.
[MUSIC WINDING DOWN]
Hello, there.
Hello. How ya doin'?
Oh, how you
makin' out, Vera?
My goodness gracious,
it's so good to see ya.
Oh! La la la la!
There you go.
There you go.
Good girl. I...
That's the way they are.
That's the way
they greet people,
because that's the way
they greet each other.
They sniff each
other out.
Don't worry though,
I just shake hands.
Yeah, I would've
known you for Kirby's boy.
Except Kirby
always prided himself
on neatness.
[ENGINE STARTING]
[GEARS GRINDING]
Walter, I'll make Modesto.
WALTER:
You better make Modesto,
I swear to God.
My ass is hanging out there.
You're just gonna
spank me in public.
I've got three days.
I'll work it out.
I need the money.
Who doesn't need
the money, Jack?
More than ever.
Don't turn your back
on New Orleans.
We need New Orleans!
VERNON:
Jack, this is my wife, Luluna.
Your washables are drying.
I did what I could
with your suit.
Why don't you sit?
Here, on the couch.
You won't get
any circus cooties.
[VERNON LAUGHING]
He's as particular
as his mother.
You look beat.
Why don't you stay with us
for a couple of days?
I have to get going.
I wouldn't want you to think
all we eat is sandwiches.
Anything you serve up,
my love,
goes down with a bang.
And that comes from
a man that ate fire,
swallowed steel
and something else
you rarely see.
I stick a spoon
up this nostril,
a fork up this one.
Now, my sinuses,
they were just...
Vernon. He doesn't
want to hear shop talk.
He wants to know
about his father.
I just want to know
how to deal with his elephant.
There he is.
It was old,
so I decoupaged it.
If I'd let her,
she'd decoupage me.
There's Dad.
JACK:
Right below the fat lady
and above the dancing bear.
VERNON:
Your dad didn't have Vera
when he met your mother.
Some town
in New York State.
Yeah.
Brockport.
She was in college.
You know, she told me a story
that he saved a kid's life.
Well, he was a fireman
in the act.
VERNON: You know, fire truck,
clowns in and out,
they'd toss
this baby doll around.
Your mother used to travel
with us. Took tickets.
LULUNA:
It looked like she was
getting to be one of us.
She had you.
Then she was gone.
She and you.
Kirby left us
for several years and
then he came back,
with Vera.
Performing is when your dad
let himself go.
Him and Vera were some act.
I mean, he trained
her himself. I don't
know how he knew how.
Oh, hello there, sir.
Thank you very much.
Thank you
very much, sir.
What? Hey, no!
Don't influence
the children.
You wanna see
my scrapbook?
No. No, thank you.
There he is.
JACK: What's that thing
he's holding?
VERNON:
That's a back-scratcher.
She responds to that.
She does?
I've got this thing
in the trunk.
Well, you show her that,
she'll lead right along.
If you got a feel for her.
Wow, what is that?
VERNON:
That's the trick that
made Vera famous.
She'd push a calliope uphill,
all by herself.
LULUNA:
She always led the parade.
Only elephant
in the world could walk
on her hind legs.
Look, I really
gotta get going.
This has been great.
Ahh!
I forgot that
was in there.
Luluna and your dad
were engaged before
your mom came along.
Oh, don't worry.
You wouldn't have
been born tattooed.
[LAUGHING]
I wasn't thinking that.
VERNON:
She can salute.
[WHISTLING]
[VERA TRUMPETING]
VERNON:
She knows how to skip.
[WHISTLING]
Hut.
How about that?
She skips
better than I do.
VERNON:
Take a bow.
[WHISTLING]
[TRUMPETS]
So, what about
the hard stuff,
like "go, stop."
Simplicity itself.
Go.
[WHISTLING]
[SNORTS]
Stop.
[WHISTLING]
Why, she's a treasure.
LULUNA:
Jack, you try.
Here. Yeah.
Come on.
All right.
Go.
[WHISTLING]
[VERA SNORTS]
She's messing with me now.
Come on,
let's try it again, and
go.
[GRUMBLES]
No.
No, no, no, no.
Stop, stop.
[WHISTLING]
No, the other stop.
You just need
to get a feel
for each other.
Once you're sure
you know what she wants,
she'll do it.
[WHISTLING]
What about the famous trick?
The one that
my dad did with her.
She wouldn't do that
for nobody but your dad.
Well, we'll give it a try.
[WHISTLING]
I guess that trick
died with your dad.
What are you gonna do?
Work up an act,
take her on the road?
No, I'm gonna free her.
Free her? Oh, mercy.
There's a woman
at the San Diego zoo
taking elephants
to Sri Lanka...
Sri Lanka?
Who would she know there?
She'd get to live
in the rain forest.
Rain forest?
That's just another
word for jungle.
They're gonna
give me $30,000.
I know this
outfit in Hollywood,
give you a lot more
than $30,000 for her.
They'd make Vera a star.
I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.
You need to
appreciate your dad's
way of life more.
I'm gonna drive
you out there
in the vehicle.
Now, Vernon!
Now, don't
"now, Vernon" me.
I gotta change my clothes.
[VERA TRUMPETING]
[WHISTLING]
VERNON:
Aye, this is the
life, ain't it?
We'll stop along
the road someplace,
put on a show.
Like your dad always said,
"If you ain't on the road,
you're in a rut."
[TRUCK BACKFIRING]
Hey, what about these people
out in L.A.? You think maybe
we should call them first?
You gotta deal with
these people face-to-face,
or they'll take us
for rubes, bumpkins,
suckers from the sticks.
I'll do the negotiating.
One time, I traded
a blind lion
for a flatbed truck,
ten dancing chickens
and a trampoline.
[METAL BANGING]
Now that noise,
what was that?
[ACCORDION MUSIC STARTING]
Now, you see, our polar bear
got arrested for
breaking and entering.
Wasn't really
a polar bear per se.
What we done was,
we took this regular bear,
and we bleached him.
[TRUCK BACKFIRING]
[MUSIC DYING]
[VERA TRUMPETING]
[MUSIC DIES]
Are we on fire?
[METAL CLANKING]
[VERA TRUMPETS]
[CAR HORN HONKING]
LULUNA:
Last time you took off,
you got three miles further.
Let's take you back
to the barn, Vernon.
LULUNA:
Jack, darling,
I called Polk City.
It's about eight miles ahead.
There's a truck-rental
yard there.
Wish we could
drive you both.
Thanks for
everything, Luluna.
If you could just
give me the name.
Oh, oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
Don't send her
to the jungle.
She doesn't get along
with monkeys.
Who does?
Another thing
your dad always said,
"Everywhere you go,
every line of work,
"there're two kinds of people.
"There's the carnies
and the rubes."
Don't be
on the rubes' side, kid.
Don't live
the life of a rube.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Wanna go for a walk?
I've got this
Wall Applications gala
in three days.
How am I gonna make that?
What's the carny move here?
[COWS MOOING]
Now, you better be worth
a lotta money.
That's a $2,000 gig.
[WHINING]
I've gotta call Walter
and make excuses.
I hate that.
[WHINING]
Y'know,
you're probably right.
Heck with Walter.
He's a rube.
Stay. Stay, Vera.
Don't frighten
the straights.
Come on, stay. Stay.
Don't frighten the squares.
Come on, stay. Stay.
Stay. Stay.
I need a truck quick.
Stay.
[VERA CHIRPING]
That'll be
two major credit cards.
Stop.
[WHISTLING]
That's to stop.
Stop it.
And a trucker's license.
That's the first thing
the hijackers took.
That's how these people work.
No license, no truck.
Do you think
I'd be going across Kansas
on foot with an elephant?
They took my rig, bro!
[VERA BURPING]
All right.
Ho! Ho! And I'll take
this.
And I'll need
more to go.
SALESMAN:
Is this a nice one?
JACK: No.
Is it a sweet one?
Yeah, no.
How 'bout a pick-up?
That's a little small,
I think, don't you?
Hey, I got one over here
you'd like.
W-Wait, now. Isn't
this the truck here?
That one's got
a loose seat.
[LAUGHING]
I've handled
loose seats before.
I'll take her.
[BEEPING]
[ENGINE STARTING]
[EXHAUST BLOWING]
[GEARS GRINDING]
[GEARS SHIFTING]
[SIGHS]
[GEARS GRINDING]
[SIGHS]
[HORN BLOWING]
[GROWLING]
Come on.
[GEARS GRINDING]
Ahh!
[HORN HONKS]
[HORN BLOWING]
[ENGINE STRAINING]
[GEARS GRINDING]
[HORN HONKING]
Come on, come on.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
MAN: Learn to drive,
you son of a bitch.
[HORNS HONKING]
I can't drive this.
[HORN BLARING]
MEN: Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo, woo-hoo!
[HORN BLOWING]
[HORN BLOWING]
Help!
MAN: Put it
in the granny hole.
Same to you.
Granny hole's
first gear, birdbrain.
Oh.
Thank you.
[ENGINE ACCELERATING]
There ought to be
a seat lever right under
your left butt-cheek.
Just don't touch
the magic button.
Okay, thanks.
Thanks again.
What's the magic button?
[WHIMPERING]
[CHIRPING]
Ah.
Woo!
[SCREAMING]
Woo!
Ahh!
[SCREAMING]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry for everything
I've ever done.
I'm sorry.
Oh, help me.
[HORN BLOWING]
Help me!
[WHIMPERING]
[WHIMPERING]
Oh!
[BRAKE SCREECHING]
[TIRES SKIDDING]
Nice rental!
JACK: So,
how long you think
it's gonna take?
Well,
I don't know
what you done to that
transmission, but
that truck
ain't goin' nowhere
for a couple of weeks.
Now, you do know
how to drive
a truck, huh?
[LAUGHING]
Vera, let's go
find ourselves a new rig.
[WHISTLING]
[TRUMPETS]
Hey, Mister,
you tipped
this one up, too.
Natural Talent?
Yes, may I speak with
Terry Bonura, please?
Well, when will
Terry be back?
I have to make
a speech in three days.
You heading west?
East.
I have a highly
trained elephant.
I have a number of
attractive offers for her.
I want to give
you people a shot.
You heading west?
Uh-huh.
This your elephant?
Yes, we are on foot.
Did you just
hang up on me?
Can you take
some more cargo?
Is he afraid of mice?
Are you hauling mice?
Vera, kill.
[VERA GRUMBLES]
Kill.
JACK: Mo?Yeah?
Jack Corcoran.
I got a more attractive
offer for my elephant.
Is that right?
Who from?
Terry Bonura
of Natural Talent.
I knew it, I knew you'd
hook up with Terry.
Oh, that's the Terry
you're always
talking about?
Aw, don't kid a kidder, Jack.
Just do the right thing.
And have your elephant
at the San Diego airport,
Tuesday the 24th, 8:00 p.m.
This is not just
an elephant.
This is a highly trained,
skilled, professional
elephant.
Oh, I don't give a shit
if she can play the banjo.
Healthy and fertile's
all I need.
[DIAL TONE BUZZING]
I am having a rough night.
I told you to kill.
[CHIRPING]
Hi, honey.
I'm in Kansas.
Would you call Walter
and tell him
that I will not be
able to make Modesto?
[GROWLING]
I know that.
I know that.
I will definitely
make the last two dates,
especially New Orleans.
Sure I miss you.
[KISSING SOUNDS]
[KISSING SOUNDS]
Headed west?
Sweet dreams.
Okay, bye-bye.
Give me Terry Bonura.
You've got her.
And who is this?
MAN: Terry?
Oh, hold on a sec.
Your thighs,
kind of ivory.
Oh.
All right, but make sure
you get it all the way
up to the thong mark.
TERRY:
Remember what happened
last time.
Uh-huh.
Sorry about that.
I was...
Expecting a man.
Aw, are you
terribly crushed?
I'm Jack Corcoran.
Are you an Aries?
Pisces.
Pisces?
You sound so firm.
[LAUGHING]
I have a...
I have a rather
large elephant here.
[LAUGHING]
Well, not every man
can say that.
Ha!
And she's talented,
very trained, and
Mo at the San Diego
zoo says that
she'd like to take
her to Sri Lanka.
Well, that's just because
she can't get anyone else
to go with her.
[LAUGHS]
Can you call me back?
Sure. But what kind
of a dollar figure
would we be
talking about here?
Mo had
offered 30,000.
Well, I can do
at least 40,000.
Are you sure
you're not an Aries?
Well, I'm on the cusp.
You're on the cusp,
and you're too modest
to admit it.
[LAUGHS]
That's very sweet.
Call me back, okay?
Okay.
Don't forget. See ya.
Okay.
I must be in love.
I just lied
about my sign.
How are we gonna
get to California?
All right, I want
you to wait here.
[WRAPPERS RUSTLING]
[BELL RINGING]
[LAUGHING]
[KISSING SOUNDS]
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
[LAUGHING]
Coffee.
And scrambled eggs.
Bacon, sausage or ham?
Sausage.
You know what
you just ordered,
don't you?
The Bob Hope.
Government waste.
Mmm-hmm.
School-lunch program.
Kids don't eat
that free lunch.
You got some retard
come down and sucking
on the government teat.
Come down and scrape it
off the garbage cans.
Then the pig farmers
slop their hogs with it.
Then hit 'em up
with every antibiotic
known to man.
'Cause the AMA's
in on this, too.
[LAUGHING]
MAN: Oh, yeah. You think
they want me and you healthy?
Think again.
Would you help me?
MAN: Uh-uh!
No, they don't.
They grind that stuff up
and try and call it meat.
Come on, man.
You ever seen
a pig's pecker?
Shaped like
a doggone corkscrew.
It's like that.
Like a corkscrew.
And that's exactly
what they're tryin'
to do to you
every time
you eat that pork.
Serious.
Yeah.
Anytime now,
that phone right there's
gonna ring-a-ding-ding.
I'm gonna skip on across
town, pick me up
a load of bowlin' pins.
Head clear west
to Californ-i-a.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Hey, my name's Tip.
We ain't met yet.
T-I-P, Tip.
Call me that,
'cause you stick with me,
you'll get
a few for free,
as you can see.
[SNICKERING]
Yeah.
Yo, sweetie,
hit me again, baby,
come on.
[TIP BURPS]
You know how long
that damn ground-up pig
will stay in your system
if you eat it?
Uh-uh. I'll
be right back.
Twelve to 16 years.
TIP: Ha! Yeah!
Aw, come on, now.
Hey, hey, hey!
Don't eat that stuff.
Don't do it.
TIP: What do you
think's in there?
You think
it's doggone blueberries,
don't you?
[PHONE RINGING]
Tiptop Truckin',
Tip speakin'.
Yeah, that bowling-pin load,
we're gonna
have to cancel that.
Cancel it?
Yeah, termites.
Termites?
Termites.
My ass.
Now, I know
who's behind this.
Them buddies at
the trucking commission.
That's who. Hello?
Hey! Hello?
Ah!
Doh!
Aw, now they broke
my phone!
[MEN LAUGHING]
Break my phone,
cancel my load!
Goddogit!
How's a man supposed
to make it?
Damn,
I don't believe this.
I don't believe it.
Now I got to deadhead
clear to California.
Maybe I can help.
TIP: And, of course,
the rats
are just runnin'
hog-wild around
the place.
I mean, the people
are practically chasin' them
right into the grinder.
Rats and excreta,
you know, come on.
It's all meat
to them. Ooh.
And they got the balls
to call that a hamburger?
Come on!
Now you better pull
the other one,
Uncle Sam. Right?
So, is a...
Is an elephant
a clean animal?
You know, I mean,
they eat out
the dirt and all.
She's clean.
She?
[LAUGHING]
[FOOT STOMPING]
Woo-wee!
I mean,
how do they do it?
You know?
Make whoopie?
I mean, I just
cannot see a big old
flumpy thing like her
laying on her back,
legs in the air
four tons of love
coming on top of her,
and she's laying back
just goin',
"Give it to me.
Give it to me."
[TRUMPETING]
[TIP LAUGHING]
That's a lot of weight
to roll around!
You know
what I'm talkin' about?
You know what I'm sayin'?
Come on, man.
That's somethin' else!
That's got to be
a sight to see.
That is pretty hard
to picture
in this old mind.
I don't know
how they do it.
I heard that.
I don't either.
[TIP TRUMPETING]
TIP: I'll tell you what.
TIP: Ah, the Rocky Mountains.
Clean spring water, right?
Right. Come on.
Government don't want
the stuff clean. Uh-uh!
I'm gonna have to
go ride in the back
with Vera for a while.
She's lonesome.
Stay up.
We got Jack and Tip
in the cab on the road.
You and me, pal.
[PSYCHOPLAYING]
I killed them both
Tip, do you ever sleep?
Oh yeah, I slept last week.
You think I'm psycho,
don't you, mama?
Mama, pour me a cup
You think I'm psycho,
don't you, mama?
You'd better let 'em
lock me up
Top of the divide.
Did dad ever let you
get out and take a look?
...there,
young lady!
Tip Tucker. Yeah.
At this rate, we'll be
in L.A. Tomorrow night.
Tip Tucker!
[SIGHS]
Maybe I'll go out to
dinner with Terry.
Hell, no, I didn't
pick up the bowling pins.
Perhaps she'll have
a little elephant buddy
for you.
Oh, is that right?
Is that so?
It doesn't look real.
You don't do that to me.
You don't do that
to Tip Tucker
and his Tiptop Trucking!
Get over it, Tip.
I had to do it.
"Get over it," nothing.
You canceled my bowling pins.
Look, a bald eagle.
There ain't no... Hey!
Tip, I had to do it.
Had to do...
[METAL CLANKING]
Doh!Hey!
Okay, look, I'm from
the playground, man.
City kid. I got game.
Watch out. Look out.
Come on. Come on.
Hoi! Hoi! Wait.
Let's you and me
get in the truck.
We'll drive down
3,000 feet.
We'll do this there.
I like it here.
Hey!
Hey!
Oh!
[GRUNTING]
Uh-huh! Whose playground now?
[VERA GROANING]
Oh!
[VERA LOWING]
The only reason
you're doing this
is 'cause I ain't popular
with people.
Don't make me
feel bad about this.
[GRUNTING]
Get away from me.
You hijacked me.
And that animal right there
tried to kill me.
I'm gonna put
the both of youse
behind bars
in the state penitentiary.
Her for attempted
murderer,
and you for being
a interstate felon.
What do you
think of that?
Doh! Doh!
Damn! Oh!
Nobody does that to
Tip Tucker and gets away
with it. You hear me?
Doh!
[ENGINE STARTING]
I will be back,
with the law.
With the law!
Well, we'd better
change our course.
Dad's got a southerly
route marked here.
Back roads through
New Mexico.
It's either that, or...
You get the chair.
[SQUEAKING]
[GRUNTING]
Well, we know where
it'll be if I ever
come back this way.
[VERA TRUMPETING]
[GRUMBLES]
Okay, I've got some
good news and
some bad news.
Good news is
it's all downhill from here.
The bad news is
you're gonna carry me.
Okay.
Hold still.
[LAUGHING] Hey.
All right.
All right.
Okay, honey,
where's the stairs?
Well...
That hurt?
All right.
Let's try this one.
What the heck
is going on?
Okay, hold it there, babe.
Hold it.
Come on.
Whoa, God.
Oh. Oh!
Baby.
Don't let me go.
Don't let me go.
[VERA EXHALING]
[SCREAMING]
[VERA TRUMPETS]
[VERA SNORTS]
Okay.
[VERA GROANING]
Turn right.
[WHISTLING]
Go.
Whoa!
Okay, not so fast.
Okay. Easy.
[TOUCH A HAND,
MAKE A FRIENDPLAYING]
Can't you feel it
in your bones?
A change is coming on
From every walk of life
People are
seeing the light
Can't you feel it
in your heart now?
A new day
is taking shape
Wrong way. Over here.
Wrong way. Get away.
That's cold. Get away.
Get away from there. Help.
Don't do it.
Take a drink,
and that's it.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Can you swim?
Can you swim?
A new day
is taking shape
Reach out, touch a hand
Oh!
Make a friend if you can
Reach out, touch a hand
Make a friend if you can
Reach out,
touch a hand, yeah
Make a friend if you can
Reach out, touch a hand
Make a friend if you can
You bully.
Reach out, touch a hand
Make a friend
if you can
You're gonna leave a ring
around this lake.
JACK: You know, if you just
stay there, we'll be fine.
Okay, I'll tell
you when to move.
Never mind. No.
That's okay. Go on ahead.
It's not you,
it's your truck.
Thank you.
Well, that's what happens.
You know?
When you're hot, you're hot,
when you're not, you're not.
I don't know if you
ever heard that one,
but it's a truism.
This could be.
This could be.
Yeah, you're the man.
Come on, big man,
let me hear you downshift.
Yes, hit those brakes.
Come on.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
[VERA TRUMPETS]
Stay there. Stay there.
Don't come out.
You da man. You da man.
You da good Samaritan.
Yes, sir. Yes. All right.
Hey, going all the
way to Los Angeles,
how about that?
Santa Monica.
Santa Monica. Outstanding.
Oh, man.
No, what've you done?
No.
Oh my gosh, who taught you
how to hitchhike?
Oh, there's two types of
animals in this world.
Ones you can hitch with
and ones you can't hitch with.
[SIREN BLARING]
Oh, God, get back there.
Get back. Back. Come on.
Freeze.
We need aerial surveillance.
We got to have road blocks,
road blocks east and west
and north and south.
We got to have
the bloodhounds
sniffing 'em down,
and we better have
this shotgun right here
loaded to the max.
You know what I'm talking
about? This ain't no picnic
walk. This ain't goin' bad.
I'm telling ya,
you turn your back
on the skillet,
the grease is gonna
burn your butt.
Oh, the dumb are lucky,
aren't they?
Oh, God,
I'll kill you, yeah!
Well, thank you lot
for all the help,
the two of you.
[SCREAMING]
Should have known better
than to expect a damn thing
from the authorities.
Get off of my truck!
Tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna go
form my own dragnet.
Or better yet,
I might just go it alone.
That's right.
Man, oh, man!
To repeat, brown eyes,
gray complexion,
weight approximately
8,000 pounds.
I have no idea
where we are.
I wonder what
Kirby means by,
"Badlands of New Mexico."
You know, I was
just thinking about
all those poor people
on the interstate.
They're missing all of this.
Good morning.
Sorry, good afternoon.
[SQUAWKING]
Why in the hell
aren't you a camel?
I don't want an elephant.
I want a camel.
[SIGHS]
[GROANING]
Thanks, Vera.
I'm sorry about
what I said, about not
wanting an elephant.
[RAIN FALLING]
It's rain!
Vera, it's rain!
It's rain!
It's raining!
It's raining!
It's raining!
It's raining!
It's raining!
It's rain!
My whining days are over!
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
Oh, no, it's not enough
that we gotta be
completely lost,
but we gotta be
completely drenched, too!
And I gotta be
wearing a wool coat
that makes me smell
like a dog
inside an automobile.
Alto!
New Mexico State Police.
How'd you find us?
Through prayer.
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
MAN 1: Mas rapido!
Please, we must
move faster!
[PEOPLE HOLLERING]
The church!
Get over to the church!
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[GRINDING]
[BELL RINGING]
[PEOPLE HOLLERING IN SPANISH]
[CREAKING]
Come on, I can't do
it alone. Let's go.
No!
[BELL RINGING]
[GROANING]
Isn't there anything
you can do?
Up here, push up here.
Come on, honey.
Push up here.
[WHISTLING]
[WOOD CREAKING]
Vera! Vera!
[WHISTLING]
[VERA TRUMPETING]
[ROOSTER CROWING]
[CHILDREN LAUGHING]
SenorCorcoran.
Gracias.
MAN: This is the plan
for the shrine for Vera.
I prefer Vera
to pose for me
for two hours
every morning.
You know, I have
to be taking Vera
somewhere else.
MAN: SenorCorcoran.
Vera is the savior
of our village.
We want her to stay.
Her and you, of course.
I don't know where
I belong anymore, but...
Vera has a calling.
She's the elephant
of my father.
I think
that he would want me
to see that
she gets into movies.
And you will be
in the movies with her?
With her? Me?
Of course. I mean,
you are a performer, no?
Well...
Do you have a phone
that I might use someplace?
Ha!
Terry Bonura.
"Hollywood, California."
TERRY: Jack, I've waited
and waited and waited.
I thought you fell off
the face of the Earth.
Well, Vera and I
were perfecting
one of our tricks.
Oh! God, I can't wait.
Listen, we're doing
commercials all week,
down at
the L.A. Sports arena.
Why don't you come down?
I'm the one
with all the wild animals.
You can't miss me.
Sure.
Would you call Mo and
tell her we're definitely
doing something together?
I mean, she called
me twice, and...
I don't know how
well you know Mo, but...
Consider it done.
[PHONE RINGING]
MO: Hello?
Mo. Jack Corcoran.
I tried to
let you down easy,
but I understand
you've been harassing Terry.
Oh, yeah? You tell Terry
to come clean out my cages.
You know, just because
she has a bigger budget?
Oh, so that's what
it's all about, huh?
You know, Vera deserves
more than three shows a day,
seven days a week.
[PHONE CLICKS]
Buenos dias, senorJack.
Buenos dias, Padre.
The movies.
The movies will be
Vera's shrine.
How may we help?
Well, the movies,
are in downtown L.A.,
which is two state lines
away from here.
And I'm kind of...
Wanted?
Yes.
Oh, are you on
America's Most Wanted?
Not yet.
Some day.
I've been looking
at these maps of
my father's, and...
I got the feeling
that state lines
might get kind of fuzzy
around here.
MAN: We have many
friends here.
How else may we help?
Well, I've noticed
that people have
been staring at me.
I think they're saying,
"The guy wears the same
clothes every day."
"Doesn't he have
anything else?"
Javier!
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Thank you. Same to you.
[DRUMS BEATING]
[TRUMPETING]
[GROANING]
Yeah, I think
you're right.
I smell peanuts, too.
[CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[ELEPHANT GROANING]
MAN: Cut!
Hey. I guess I know
who you two are.
Big one must be Vera,
and you must be Jack,
right?
Terry.
You're as pretty
as you sound.
This is Rosie.
This is Vera and Jack.
[SNORTING]
Where are your manners?
Say hello.
[WHISTLING]
[GROANING]
Hey, you've quite
a way with her.
Ever think about
doing an act yourself?
It's funny
you should say that.
First we'll do Vera's deal,
and then we'll talk
about your future.
This is Chris.
He'll take care of Vera.
You come with me
to the office.
Okay, I'll be right back.
You know, Jack,
I am your only buyer now.
Word is,
Mo's already spent
her whole budget.
It's gonna take 50
for me to break even.
That's the truck Vera
and I should have had.
Fifty? It's peanuts to
somebody like yourself.
Dig deep.
Fifty it is.
Let's see,
here's the contract.
Where's that damn pen?
So, what's this?
An electric back-scratcher?
[CHUCKLES]
Back-scratcher?
No, honey,
that's an electric goad.
[PHONE RINGING]
Don't tell me you got her all
the way here from Maryland
without a zing or two.
Natural Talent,
Terry Bonura speaking.
Hi.
No, you're supposed
to bring them down
to the ranch.
MAN: Rosie, get over!
TERRY:
You can have your wife
insured for a million dollars,
but that doesn't mean
you can sell her
for that much.
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS] Huh.
The deal was
three shows a day,
seven days a week, right?
No, they're coming to us,
remember?
I thought we were
gonna be partners.
All right.
Jack? Vera's okay.
Why don't you
sign the papers?
Look, cookie,
I'm trying to make this work.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
MAN ON RADIO:
7:48 San Diego time
with Bob Mankiewicz.
[HORN HONKING]
I've got an elephant
here for Sri Lanka.
The gene-pool project.
Nothing on the sheet
about another elephant.
You just didn't
get the word.
I know it's okay.
The sheet is the word.
We didn't come this far
to get stopped by you.
Turn the vehicle
around, sir, now.
I don't see why not.
ANNOUNCER:
The white zone is
for immediate loading
and unloading of
passengers only.
All right,
that was a little bumpy.
Sorry. Sorry. Come out.
Let's go. Come on, move,
move, move, move it.
MAN ON RADIO:
Hey, y'all! San Diego
country time comin' on 7:57.
[INDISTINCT]
[VERA SNORTING]
Would everybody
in the building
excuse us, please?
We're trying to
make a plane.
[CROWD YELLING]
Could you just get up
against the wall?
Thank you.
Come on, honey.
One more for
Sri Lanka, please.
Sir. Sir,
you have introduced
a dangerous animal
into a situation
where people can get hurt.
She is not dangerous.
She's very large,
but she's jolly.
Well, you'll have to
get the elephant
out of here.
She's not just an elephant.
She's a role model.
She saved my life.
She's trying to
make a plane to Sri Lanka
that leaves in three minutes.
If she could get
on that plane,
she could carve out
a whole new life
for herself.
Excuse me! Excuse me!
All right. How do we know
you have a connection
with that flight?
How do we know
you're not just a...
Just a guy walking
around with an elephant?
Fair question.
Come on, work with me,
will you?
Give us an escort
out to the gate.
Then if I'm lying,
you can shoot me.
You may both shoot me.
Now that's a good deal.
That sounds good,
doesn't it?
Jim? It is Jim,
isn't it?
Yeah, it is.
Okay, all right, thank you.
Good people. Jack Corcoran.
Appreciate it. Thank you.
Don't listen to
that man right there.
Don't listen to him.
Him and his fuzzy friend
are homicidal maniacs.
Mamas, grab your babies!
Grab your babies!
Pick 'em up slow,
and move back.
[SIGHS]
You got a nut on your hands
here. Good luck. I'll see ya.
Wait a minute. I don't have a minute.
They tried to
hurt you, sir?
Yeah.
Tried to hurt me,
all right. Yeah.
Acted like my truckin' buddy
for a while,
and then he tried to kill me.
Hijacked my rig!
Hijacked?
Yeah. He's gonna try
and do the same thing
to your 747.
Watch him, he's a hustler!
He's street-smart.
Yeah, proceed with caution.
Possible suspect down
in... Possible...
What was that?
[CLEARS THROAT]
What's that? MAN: What was what?
There's something in
that bag. Be careful.
Somebody...
I saw...
I saw that!
Back-up.
Bring in back up,
I think.
Don't do it alone.
Bring in some back-up.
He's got something
in that bag.
Huh. You wanna,
you... You...
We got a possible
case 212. 212.
Concourse D.
We need back-up
sent right away.
We're gonna need
a couple pounds of bacon
and some Polish sausage.
Dear Lord Jesus!
This whole thing
is a sting.
So, what if the thing's
a federal sting operation
to get to me?
Focus. Focus. Focus.
[TIP YELLS]
[YELLING UNINTELLIGIBLY]
Sucker! On the highway!
And I tell you what!
If you think it's gonna
be easy to get me,
you got another
thing coming!
I got this from
your oily girlfriend.
[YELLING]
Are you gonna
help or not?
Hi-ya!
MAN:
Get him, Frank! Get him!
Please, for the
love of God, help.
[ZAPPING]
If an agent goes down,
you're gonna have blood
on your hands.
[ZAPPING]
Come on,
this isn't funny now.
[YELLING]
Go! Go!
JACK: Excuse me.
Come on. Come on.
Step aside, ladies!
Woo-hoo!
We made it. We made it.
One more for first class!
[TIP SCREAMING]
[VERA TRUMPETS]
You Mo?
Is this Vera?
Oh, she's beautiful.
You know, Jack,
I spent my whole budget.
Yeah, Terry told me.
I'm curious.
With all the decent animal
trainers in this world,
how could you hook
up with Terry?
Terry had
a nice telephone manner.
She gonna be all right
on that thing?
Relax, animal lover,
she'll be fine.
They're very good company
for one another, and
they're infinitely patient.
Mo, can I take this one?
Come on, girl. Come on.
[WHISTLING] Come on.
[SIGHS]
Well, you go on ahead
and have a lot of
little elephants.
You got me to a better place,
and I'm gonna do
the same for you.
I'll even pretend that
it doesn't hurt to watch
you get on the plane.
[WHISTLING]
[GROANS]
[TRUMPETING]
[TRUMPETS]
MAN: Oh, oh, come.
[ELEPHANT CHIRPING]
Right now I'm supposed
to be giving the biggest
speech of my life.
I'm 50,000 in the hole,
I've stolen a truck,
and all I can think
about is how much
I'm gonna miss her.
You know, they say
an elephant never forgets.
But what they don't
tell you is that
you never forget
an elephant.
[SQUEAKING]
[LAUGHING]
You wanna go to
Salads & Such?
I'm vegetarian.
So was Vera.
[LIFE IS A CARNIVALPLAYING]
You can walk
on the water
Drown in the sand
You can fly off
a mountain top
If anybody can
Run away, run away
It's the restless age
Look away, look away
You can turn the page
Hey, buddy, would you like
to buy a watch real cheap
Here on the street
I got six on each arm
and two more round my feet
Life is a carnival
Believe it or not
Life is a carnival
Two bits a shot
Saw a man with the jinx
in the third degree
From trying to
deal with people
People you can't see
Take away, take away
This house of mirrors
Give away, give away
All the souvenirs
We're all in
the same boat
Ready to float off
the edge of the world
The flat old world
The street is a sideshow
From the peddler
to the corner girl
Life is a carnival
It's in the book
Life is a carnival
Take another look
Hey, buddy, would you like
to buy a watch real cheap
Here on the street
I got six on each arm
and two more round my feet
Life is a carnival
Believe it or not
Life is a carnival
Two bits a shot
Life is a carnival
Life is a carnival
Life is a carnival
MAN: Thank you.
Thank you and welcome,
ladies and gentlemen,
to the 34th annual convention
of the American Motion
Upholstery Association.
Thank you.
Wasn't lunch wonderful?
Perfect. As you know,
this year's not
been an easy one
for our industry.
As we're listening
to our inspiring
keynote speaker today,
he'll be giving us
a useful shot in the arm.
[PANTING]
He is the author
of the bookGet Over It,
[MOBILE PHONE RINGING]
a rising star in the field
of personal motivation.
Yes, Mom.
I will. On time.
No, okay,
but I've got be on time, now,
for my introduction.
Okay, and please don't call
during the speech.
Remember, as we listen
to his inspiring words...
Brrr!
That motion
is our middle name.
And forward motion
is our goal.
I'm glad you're gonna
get to know Jack Cochran.
Corcoran!
Corcoran!
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[GASPING]
I'm over it.
Hello. Thank you.
Thank you, John.
My father died
before I was born,
trying to save a child
drowning in icy water.
And it took me
a long time
before I stopped
resenting that.
Finally I did.
Finally,
I was able to
get over it.
And when I did,
I found out
a lot of things
about me
that were neat.
Neat things
that I wanted to share
with other people
who maybe didn't know
some neat things
about themselves.
Now, I see some
people out here
looking just
confused as heck.
Now, here's somebody here
who's just bored to tears.
[WHISPERING]
I'm gonna sneak right up
on him. Don't tell him.
I'm gonna look
at his nametag.
[SHOUTING]
Richie! Richie,
I caught you!
I caught him.
Richie's here,
building a pyramid
of sugar cubes.
You made a nice pyramid.
That's right.
You have good ideas.
You want to do things,
you're motivated.
That's okay.
But wouldn't you rather
work with people
than with sugar cubes?
Don't think about
it too much.
Come here. Just a sec.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Come on, help me out here.
Who else we got here?
Who's this?
Joe, stand up.
Come on here.
You're a big guy.
Looks like a hip cat, right?
Who else?
Come here, you.
You're a big drink of water.
Get over here.
Careful, everybody.
Are you supposed
to be in a parade,
later today?
Nice outfit. Very good.
You're lookin' great.
Would you mind getting down
on your hands and knees?
Come on, make a move.
I don't wanna... I don't
have all day. Let's go.
C'mon, these are busy
important people,
and we don't have all day.
Mike, is it?
Will you play our game?
Come on.
You ever done
this before?
It's a big thing
in our country.
Get right up on
Marion, here, okay?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Now, put a knee
right in the middle of
Marion's back.
Come on. You're gonna
love this.
You're gonna love this.
Hey, come on, you.
You're a mid-size.
Getver here.
Get over here,
on him.
Get over here.
A knee on him.
You've seen it before.
Okay, we want an itty-bitty.
Betty, come on.
Beth. let's go. Let's go.
No, it's not horsy this time.
No, no, I'm sorry.
This isn't the vacation
you dreamed of.
Right over here.
Let me help you
out here now.
[WOMAN SHRIEKING]
Okay.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Help me, somebody.
I'm a motivator,
not a physical therapist.
Get over here.
Look, center.
Come on, here. All right,
now, all right.
Here, come here.
Help me out, here.
Lift her.
Lift her.
Ally...
One, two, three.
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Is that the kind of thing
you were hoping for?
Yeah.
All right. We got men
and women working together
for the same cause.
And we've built
something beautiful.
Let's get this over
with in a hurry.
Joe, come on.
Hey, pull 'em out here.
Hey! All right.
JACK: Whereas
my first wife, Gloria,
was a caretaker,
codependent,
complainer,
my fiancee, Celeste,
will be a caring person,
my coequal,
and a celebrator.
I'm graduating
from my ABCs
to D, E and F.
Deliberate,
eliminate, and finish.
ANNOUNCER: Jack Cochran,
ladies and gentleman.
Thank you, Jack.
[WHISTLE BLOWING]
WOMAN:
First, on the side.
WOMAN 2:
Yes, right on the side,
and then the olive.
Always better if you put
the parsley on first.
Oh.You see there?
Sweetheart. Hi.
Oh, change out of
your suit, honey.
I stopped by your place
and got your sports jacket.
Thank you.
[KISSING SOUND]
He is so cute.
You got three dates
coming up.
You got Modesto
on the 18th,
the Wall Applications
Association.
Is that anything
like wallpaper?
Don't... Don't hurt
me like that, okay?
I go very deep
for you, Jack.
This is when he was a baby.
This was when
he was in the sixth grade.
On the 21st,
the American Sand
and Gravel Congress.
Okay, now we are doubling up,
because I think
I did the Grit Festival
two months ago, didn't I?
Jack, they're not interested
in your jokes.
Isn't he gorgeous?
Their entire focus
is going to be
on expanding
their market share,
all right?
Why don't you
put your entire focus on
getting me some better gigs?
I got you a better gig,
all right?
The Investment
Strategy Summit,
New Orleans.
That could lead
to an infomercial.
From your mouth
to God's ears, all right?
Oh, listen,
if I may say,
I endorse
this engagement fully,
all right?
Without family obligations,
you're vulnerable to drift.
You are a romantic.
I'm gonna drift.
Jack, she's wonderful.
Great.
Jack, congratulations,
you old son-of-a-gun.
Hey, Jack. Way to go.
Hey, Jack,
congratulations.
Beautiful.
Thank you, moonman, yeah.
[GRUNTING]
Ugh.
These are old.
These are
magic animals, Mr. Matt.
MATT: Really?
My father made these.
Time for telegrams.
"You've only just begun.
"A kiss for luck,
and you're on your way.
"Walter."
[SIGHING]
That's lovely!
It's from a song.
Yeah, I'm here.
"Dear Mr. Corcoran."
It's for me.
Hmm!
"We regret to inform you
of the death of your father."
Well, this is original,
anyway.
[SIGHING]
I hope nobody thought
that was funny.
Yeah.
Hold on a second.
This says he died last month
in Maryland.
That's... That's not funny.
That's not funny at all.
Here, let me...
All right.
No, wait, wait.
[STUTTERING]
"We have been placed
in charge of his effects
"and rather
large inheritance."
We're rich.
"We strongly recommend
that you come
to our offices
"as soon as possible
to claim same.
"Trowbridge Bowers,
attorney at law."
Is that true?
No, this is just
some kind of
bureaucratic bungling.
Don't worry,
I'll call 'em tomorrow.
That's all right,
you don't need
to call a lawyer
and tell him
your husband died
40 years ago.
I'll call them
and tell them we'll take
the inheritance, though.
Just let me do it,
Jackie, please.
Oh!
Are you all right?
Of course.
I'm always all right.
You haven't called me Jackie
since I was a little kid.
Mom.
Mom, you just can't say,
"Okay, maybe
he hasn't been dead
all these years.
"Let's do the dishes."
Well, what can I say?
You can't say that.
Jackie, just calm down.
I had a dad all these years
and I didn't know it,
and now that I know it,
I don't have one.
Jack? Jack,
why don't we go in...
Am I crazy?
Am I crazy?
[TAP CLOSING]
I left him, Jack.
I left him,
and I took you with me,
and I didn't tell him
where we were going.
Did he beat you?
No, he didn't beat me.
Was he a criminal,
or something?
No, he wasn't
a criminal.
Well then, tell me, Mom,
what was he?
He was irresponsible!
[LAUGHS]
Irresponsible?
He wouldn't hold
down a job.
He kept moving us
from one place to another.
I couldn't count
on a man like that
when I had a baby.
He was irresponsible,
so you killed him.
Oh, Jack.
Jack, Jack.
She didn't kill him.
She did kill him.
She drowned him.
I couldn't have him
influencing you.
Boys learn
from their fathers.
I'll have to take your word
on that.
Jack!
[DOOR OPENING]
[DOOR CLOSING]
Did I do something wrong?
[SIGHS]
Let him walk it off.
[DOOR CLOSING]
Yes. Yes, I'm on hold.
Mmm-hmm.
Excuse me, I'm looking
for Trowbridge Bowers,
attorney at law.
My name
is Jack Corcoran.
Your people sent me this.
[WHISPERING]
You're him.
Mr. Bowers,
it's the son.
Yes?
Ah.
Well, Mr. Corcoran,
at last.
Come in. Come in.
Nice to meet you,
under difficult
circumstances, son.
Have the...
brought around now.
Sit down. Sit down.
All right, sir. Ha.
Took a while to find you.
Heh, heh.
ATTORNEY: I know
this came as a shock.
Mr. Bowers,
I never knew my father.
Nor did I.
Heart attack.
Happened to be
passing through town.
Since I represent
the facility
where he was appearing,
it fell to me to take charge
of his effects.
Appearing?
This
should clarify.
My father was a giant?
We saved his nose. Here.
[SQUEAKING]
I had a clown for a dad?
And a very jolly one,
I understand.
Traveled with a small circus.
When he passed away,
the caravan moved on.
Now, Mr. Corcoran,
as to your bequest.
There's a rather substantial
dollar figure involved.
I'm over it.
How much?
Marcy, can you bring in
Mr. Corcoran's papers, please?
Thank you.
Right here, Mr. Corcoran,
is the amount.
$35,000?
Well, thanks, Dad,
for something.
What? Do I have
to sign something?
Yes, right there.
Marcy, if you'll
witness, please.
ATTORNEY:
Now, forgive me for asking,
but this is a great deal
of money.
How will you be
paying the 35,000?
What? Wait a minute.
Me, pay you?
My fee, property damage,
upkeep...
Upkeep of a trunk?
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETING]
There is the bulk
of your inheritance.
[TRUMPETS]
Oh, no.
I don't want it.
Why would the man
leave me an elephant?
UNIFORMED MAN:
Hey, hey, come back here!
[GATE CLANKING]
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
There's your
property damage.
ATTORNEY:
It hates fences.
Well, I'm not paying
for what
somebody's elephant does.
I'll take this.
My father never gave
me enough toys anyway.
Mr. Corcoran, I am not
in the elephant business.
Well, you ain't much
of a lawyer, either.
This can't be legal.
Signed and witnessed.Uh-huh.
I was misled.
I am not responsible.
And I am outta here.
You'll be hearing
from my mother.
Mr. Corcoran,
I love litigation.
[SCOFFING]
[CAR ALARM WAILING]
It's out again.
Get off the street.
It's yours! It's him!
MAN: He's that
elephant man!
GIRL: It should be
in a zoo.
Hope you got insurance, pal.
WOMAN: You should both
be in a zoo.
Take it outta here!
Yeah, get it outta here.
JACK: Nice town,
nice people.
[GROWLING]
[TRUMPETING]
[LIFE IS A CARNIVALPLAYING]
You can walk on the water
Drown in the sand
Ahh!
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]
You can fly off
the mountaintop,
if anybody can
Run away, run away
It's the restless age
Look away, look away
JACK: Move or die!
Whoa!
[MAN HOLLERING]
Heads up! Heads up!
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
[PEOPLE ARGUING]
[BELLOWING]
[PANTING]
[GASPS]
Stay! Stay!
[ELEPHANT GRUMBLING]
Sit! Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Oh!
[TRUMPETS]
[GRUMBLES]
[ELEPHANT WHINES]
[CAR APPROACHING]
POLICE RADIO:
...in the park, multiple
citizen reports of
an elephant running loose...
POLICEMAN:
Gonna have to get your
elephant out of town, sir.
It's not my elephant.
I was defrauded.
I want to lodge
a complaint.
Oh, you weasel-faced shyster.
JACK: Come on out.
If you don't take charge
of that elephant,
you're going to jail.
I've got to make speeches
in Modesto, Tampa,
and New Orleans.
I've got an apartment
with a no-pet clause.
I'll slap a lien
on that dwelling
and garnish your fees
for those speeches.
And if you don't
pay me $35,000 in 14 days,
you might as well
pitch a tent
in our little courtroom.
You well-dressed worm,
get outta there.
Slide outta there,
will you, please?
Folks in this town
used to think
we hated New Yorkers
more than anything.
Now they run
a close second
to elephants.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Not now.
It's your mommy.Uh-huh.
[TWO-WAY RADIO WARBLES]
Is there any way
I could get back to you?
No, you don't know him.
He's a new friend.
Ahem.
I've gotta go.
[PHONE BEEPS]
[ELEPHANT GRUNTING]
I believe your elephant
likes you.
I believe
you remind that elephant
of your old man.
Didn't my father
leave any instructions
for this?
Ask the well-dressed
worm.
Here's the will,
for what it's worth.
[ENGINE STARTS]
What's its name?
ATTORNEY: Vera.
Oh, my God.
He named it
after my mother.
[GROANING]
"To Jackie.
I know I haven't been
the best father."
Dad, shouldn't this read,
"I've been
no father at all"?
"But do me one favor, Son."
Sure.
"Take care of her.
"If stuck,
"call blockhead.
"K.C."
That's a nice touch.
Last words to me,
and you sign off
with your initials.
"Call blockhead."
What's that
supposed to mean?
Call Vera "blockhead"?
Blockhead.
[SNORTING]
Don't get huffy, now,
that was
Dad's sole piece of advice.
Where would you dump
an elephant? The zoo.
[PHONE DIALING]
[PHONE RINGING]
Yes, information?
Can I have the number
of the local...
[VERA GRUMBLING]
Hey.
[DIAL TONE BEGINS] Hey! What...
[PHONE DIALING]
[VERA MURMURING]
Oh, he taught you
that one, huh?
Very nice little trick.
All right, wise guy,
give it to me.
Mmm...
Mmm-hmm. Uh.
[TRUMPETS]
Give it to me.
[GROWLS]
Okay. All right.
Put it down now.
Step on it.
What is your problem?
[SNORTS]
Great.
Great. Come on.
Let's go.
Hey!
Wait up.
Wait up there.
As I walk down
the street
Seems everyone I meet
gives me a friendly hello
I saw your show.
It's not my show.
You're not the clown?
He was my...
JACK:
Think you could direct
me to the local zoo?
BOY: You should've
seen that clown
get it to do tricks,
just with all
different whistles.
Whistles?
Stop!
[JACK WHISTLING] Find a pay phone.
[WHISTLING]
The zoo is a couple
of miles from here.
Really?
MAN: I don't have
the space here.
My mission is small animals.
Haven't you ever seen
a petting zoo before?
Is that yours?
Could you get it
off me, please?
Johnny, shoo.
Get off of me.
Johnny, shoo. Shoo.
Shoo. Shoo.
Shoo, Johnny.
Johnny, shoo.
Throw something bigger.
Shoo! Thank you.
JACK: Can you recommend
a facility that takes
animals of this size?
[MOTOR RUNNING]
MAN: Three hundred bucks
is what pops into my mind.
Three hundred?
That's a little steep for
one night, don't you think?
Compared to what?
Compared to The Ritz.
So, go there.
[SNIFFING]
[GRUMBLING]
[NOSE SQUEAKING]
[WHISPERS] Wow.
Back roads
all across the country.
What a life.
And that will.
"Call blockhead.
"K.C."
Hello, Mom.
I was kidnapped.
I just got off the phone
with Trowbridge Bowers.
How is Mr. Bowers?
He's wondering
how you were going to
come up with $35,000.
Sell Vera for dog food.
Is that supposed
to be funny?
Mom, Vera is the elephant.
Oh, my God.
How is that supposed
to make me feel?
Mom, in the will
he mentioned somebody
from Kansas City.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
the human blockhead,
Vernon Sawitsky.
The human blockhead?
Be home, Vernon.
Be home.
WOMAN: Hello?
Hello, may I speak
with Vernon, please?
Gone to bed.
Can I get a number?
Aw! I'm at area code
410, Klingman 5...
87-56.
Who is this?
Oh, I'm Kirby's son.
Oh, hello!
Hello.
[RECEIVER CLICKING]
Where am I gonna find
a zoo open at this hour?
The West Coast, perhaps.
[PHONE KEYS BEEPING]
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Yeah?
Mo, in elephants? Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry,
for a second there,
you sounded like a woman.
I just got an elephant
all of a sudden,
and everyone...
All the zoos say,
"Talk to Mo
in San Diego."
Did Terry
put you up to this?
Terry tries to snake up
every elephant
that comes my way.
Who's Terry?
Whoa, put that down.
Put it down.
Oh! Down, Vera!
[WHISTLING]
Down!
Down!
[WHISTLING]
My elephant just
picked up a V.W. bug.
I don't have
time for this.
You don't? Vera!
[WHISTLES]
She put it down.
My name is Jack Corcoran,
and I just inherited
an elephant
from my father
the clown,
and I was wondering,
do you happen to
know anybody
who needs an elephant?
If you're on the level, Jack,
I happen to need one myself.
Not that it's any
of your beeswax,
but on the 24th of this month
I'm sending a small herd
down to Sri Lanka,
for a gene-pool experiment.
Air force is allowing
us to piggyback
on one of their
humanitarian missions.
You got a
breeding-age female?
Well, I think
she would have to be.
Her name is Vera.
My name's Mo.
If male elephants
are anything like male police
horses, she's a female.
Do me a favor. Look at
the bottom of her foot and
tell me if it's wrinkled.
How am I supposed to
look at the bottom...
If you don't know
how to do that, sir,
you don't have any business
being with an elephant.
I have no business
being with an elephant.
Oh, wait a second.
Hold on. I know this one.
Vera.
What is your problem?
[VERA GRUNTS]
Heh. Heh, heh.
Good. Okay.
At ease. At ease.
[VERA GRUMBLES]
It's incredibly smooth.
Excellent! Means
she's young enough to breed.
Where are you?
I'm in a junkyard
in Maryland.
A junkyard?
Get her outta there.
[LAUGHING]
Well, you know what?
The Hilton's all booked up.
I'll tell you what,
you bring her here,
I'll give you $30,000 for her.
How about this?
You come here and get her,
and you give me $36,000.
I can't go that high.
Well, I can't
get her that far.
Bring her by rail.
How am I gonna
get an elephant
to take a train?
You don't make an
elephant do anything, sir.
You treat it with respect.
You show her that you care,
and she'll wanna
take the train.
Excuse me, I just gotta
brush away a tear here.
Dare I ask
if you're even feeding
her properly?
Do you know that an elephant
needs 200 pounds of grains,
fruits and vegetables a day,
not to mention at least
25 gallons of water.
Mo, I don't eat
that well, okay?
Now look, can you
come up with 34,000?
Listen to me. The herd
is leaving on the 24th,
with or without her.
I'm probably gonna
have to entertain
some other offers.
I'm probably
gonna talk to Roy
of Siegfried and Roy.
[DIAL TONE]
Hello?
Pleasure chatting, Mo.
[DOG BARKING]
Dah!
Be my friend, please.
[TRUMPETING]
No, come on back.
Come on back,
Mr. Tough Junkyard.
You want some of me?
Stay outta this.
Stay out of this, Vera.
Want some of me?
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
[THUNDER CLAPS] Ahh!
Wah!
[PANTING]
Ah!
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Is this Vernon?
VERNON:
Oh, Kirby, I declare.
I'm sure sorry
to hear that.
I knew Kirby as well as
anyone, I guess, outside
of Vera, of course.
Oh, now don't you
spill Grandpa's
coffee, baby boop!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You managed to have
a career and family.
Yeah, it wasn't hard.
So, can you just tell me
how to handle her?
Well, son, I couldn't
begin to show you that
over the telephone.
Why don't you
come to see us
in Kansas City?
Come see you?
Well, I'll tell you what.
If I'm in Kansas City,
I definitely will come by
and see you.
Say hi to Mrs. Blockhead.
She didn't break your fence.
She leaned on it.
And your dog doesn't
have a scratch on it.
[WHIMPERS]
Yeah, but his spirit's broke.
MAN ON TV: At the age of 32,
this one man,
Anthony Robbins,
has helped
over a million people
dramatically improve
the quality of their lives.
Recognized byTime...
The guy changed my life.
Hmm!
JACK: Too bad.
There's a sign, "No shoes,
no shirt, no service."
Just deal with it, okay?
All right.
Stop when you
get to 25 gallons.
[GULPS]
That's one.
How much is your salad bar?
4.95.
I mean,
the entire salad bar.
Your lunch crowd
is over anyway, right?
[TRUMPETING]
To go, please.
There you go.
[LIFE IS A CARNIVALPLAYING]
There you go.
Touch the lettuce
please, don't touch me.
Don't touch me!
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
We're all
in the same boat
Ready to float off
the edge of the world
The flat old world
The street is a sideshow
from the peddler
to the corner girl
[VERA TRUMPETING]
Life is a carnival
Life is a carnival
You the guy called
about the elephant?
Elephant?
Ah!
Yeah.
JACK: That's great.
That is wonderful.
But that is not
what I asked for.
Put your nose down,
and come on up into the car.
Here's Kirby's trunk.
Come on, let's go.
On three. One, two, three.
[WHISTLES]
No!
No, God!
No, this is not
the right thing.
This is the wrong thing.
We did this already.
No, don't sit down.
Please, don't
sit down. Please.
No, don't sit down.
Stand up. You can
sit down in the car.
Come on. God.
MAN: Well, clip my mane,
and call me baldy.
What is this here?
What does this
here look like?
This here is an elephant.
Dead? Not on my train.
She's not dead.
She's just stubborn.
She's just impossible.
Oh, get up, dammit.
Get up, Vera! Vera!
Your train?
Who are you?
Hurst.
And I haven't approved this.
But I called and
arranged everything.
Oh, you arranged
with the local fellow.
You didn't arrange
with the train, and
you didn't arrange with me.
You want me
to take responsibility
for a tipped-over
elephant, all the way
to San Diego?
First,
she's not gonna
stay tipped over.
[LAUGHING]
So you say.
Second...
Every state line
has laws and inspections.
Which means
at every state line,
my job is on the line.
Now, I get terminated now,
my pension's only 13,500.
I make it to retirement,
and it's 28,000.
Take that, and factor in
all this... Let's see.
Kansas, Colorado,
Nevada, and that's...
2,600!
[WHISTLES]
Now, you got
30 seconds, friend.
We're gonna roll,
with him
or without him.
It's a her.
I don't care what it is.
It don't make me
no never mind.
But, I've got
600 bucks in cash.
To San Diego?
With an elephant
manifestly uncontrollable?
Why didn't you learn
how to manage her before
you took her on the road?
What about Kansas City?
Mmm... Well, I don't know.
All right.
If you two hustle in
there, right now.
Not me. I'm flying.
Oh, no, no.
Unaccompanied
elephant would be
twice the risk.
[VERA GROWLING]
I'll ride with her
in the boxcar.
I thought so.
She seems to like you.
[VERA GRUNTS]
You keep that door
near about closed,
Colonel. Charlie!
'Cause anybody sees you two,
you're walkin' the tracks.
[LAUGHING]
[EVERYBODY LOVES A TRAIN
PLAYING]
Goin' down the rails
and coming back
Train a-comin' going
clack, clack, clack
I hate you.
I hate you.
[LAUGHING]
This is a funny joke, Dad.
I... I...
[LAUGHING]
You think this is funny?
Steel whistle blowing
a crazy sound
Jump on a car
when she comes around
Clack, clack, clack
Quick, hide.
Hey.
[GRUNTS]
Woo!
We're comin' into St. Louis.
Be in K.C.
in the morning.
Here. Ah.
Ah.
[VERA CHIRPING]
Ah, late night snack.
That'll be 10 bucks.
No.
Yeah, well,
I thought you were
probably holdin' back
a little cash on me.
Then I began to
"D," deliberate.
You what?
I recognized
you right away.
You addressed
our union convention.
I never thought of working
these little sidelines
till after I heard you talk.
You make me very proud.
[TRAIN BRAKES SCREECHING]
[PANTING]
I don't know about you,
but I'm gettin' off.
JACK:
Excuse me, fellas.
Can you tell me where
there's a cesspool
I can scrub up in?
[ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING]
MAN ON LOUDSPEAKER:
Hey, Kirby's boy,
step right up.
Oh, my God.
Step right up.
[MUSIC WINDING DOWN]
Hello, there.
Hello. How ya doin'?
Oh, how you
makin' out, Vera?
My goodness gracious,
it's so good to see ya.
Oh! La la la la!
There you go.
There you go.
Good girl. I...
That's the way they are.
That's the way
they greet people,
because that's the way
they greet each other.
They sniff each
other out.
Don't worry though,
I just shake hands.
Yeah, I would've
known you for Kirby's boy.
Except Kirby
always prided himself
on neatness.
[ENGINE STARTING]
[GEARS GRINDING]
Walter, I'll make Modesto.
WALTER:
You better make Modesto,
I swear to God.
My ass is hanging out there.
You're just gonna
spank me in public.
I've got three days.
I'll work it out.
I need the money.
Who doesn't need
the money, Jack?
More than ever.
Don't turn your back
on New Orleans.
We need New Orleans!
VERNON:
Jack, this is my wife, Luluna.
Your washables are drying.
I did what I could
with your suit.
Why don't you sit?
Here, on the couch.
You won't get
any circus cooties.
[VERNON LAUGHING]
He's as particular
as his mother.
You look beat.
Why don't you stay with us
for a couple of days?
I have to get going.
I wouldn't want you to think
all we eat is sandwiches.
Anything you serve up,
my love,
goes down with a bang.
And that comes from
a man that ate fire,
swallowed steel
and something else
you rarely see.
I stick a spoon
up this nostril,
a fork up this one.
Now, my sinuses,
they were just...
Vernon. He doesn't
want to hear shop talk.
He wants to know
about his father.
I just want to know
how to deal with his elephant.
There he is.
It was old,
so I decoupaged it.
If I'd let her,
she'd decoupage me.
There's Dad.
JACK:
Right below the fat lady
and above the dancing bear.
VERNON:
Your dad didn't have Vera
when he met your mother.
Some town
in New York State.
Yeah.
Brockport.
She was in college.
You know, she told me a story
that he saved a kid's life.
Well, he was a fireman
in the act.
VERNON: You know, fire truck,
clowns in and out,
they'd toss
this baby doll around.
Your mother used to travel
with us. Took tickets.
LULUNA:
It looked like she was
getting to be one of us.
She had you.
Then she was gone.
She and you.
Kirby left us
for several years and
then he came back,
with Vera.
Performing is when your dad
let himself go.
Him and Vera were some act.
I mean, he trained
her himself. I don't
know how he knew how.
Oh, hello there, sir.
Thank you very much.
Thank you
very much, sir.
What? Hey, no!
Don't influence
the children.
You wanna see
my scrapbook?
No. No, thank you.
There he is.
JACK: What's that thing
he's holding?
VERNON:
That's a back-scratcher.
She responds to that.
She does?
I've got this thing
in the trunk.
Well, you show her that,
she'll lead right along.
If you got a feel for her.
Wow, what is that?
VERNON:
That's the trick that
made Vera famous.
She'd push a calliope uphill,
all by herself.
LULUNA:
She always led the parade.
Only elephant
in the world could walk
on her hind legs.
Look, I really
gotta get going.
This has been great.
Ahh!
I forgot that
was in there.
Luluna and your dad
were engaged before
your mom came along.
Oh, don't worry.
You wouldn't have
been born tattooed.
[LAUGHING]
I wasn't thinking that.
VERNON:
She can salute.
[WHISTLING]
[VERA TRUMPETING]
VERNON:
She knows how to skip.
[WHISTLING]
Hut.
How about that?
She skips
better than I do.
VERNON:
Take a bow.
[WHISTLING]
[TRUMPETS]
So, what about
the hard stuff,
like "go, stop."
Simplicity itself.
Go.
[WHISTLING]
[SNORTS]
Stop.
[WHISTLING]
Why, she's a treasure.
LULUNA:
Jack, you try.
Here. Yeah.
Come on.
All right.
Go.
[WHISTLING]
[VERA SNORTS]
She's messing with me now.
Come on,
let's try it again, and
go.
[GRUMBLES]
No.
No, no, no, no.
Stop, stop.
[WHISTLING]
No, the other stop.
You just need
to get a feel
for each other.
Once you're sure
you know what she wants,
she'll do it.
[WHISTLING]
What about the famous trick?
The one that
my dad did with her.
She wouldn't do that
for nobody but your dad.
Well, we'll give it a try.
[WHISTLING]
I guess that trick
died with your dad.
What are you gonna do?
Work up an act,
take her on the road?
No, I'm gonna free her.
Free her? Oh, mercy.
There's a woman
at the San Diego zoo
taking elephants
to Sri Lanka...
Sri Lanka?
Who would she know there?
She'd get to live
in the rain forest.
Rain forest?
That's just another
word for jungle.
They're gonna
give me $30,000.
I know this
outfit in Hollywood,
give you a lot more
than $30,000 for her.
They'd make Vera a star.
I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.
You need to
appreciate your dad's
way of life more.
I'm gonna drive
you out there
in the vehicle.
Now, Vernon!
Now, don't
"now, Vernon" me.
I gotta change my clothes.
[VERA TRUMPETING]
[WHISTLING]
VERNON:
Aye, this is the
life, ain't it?
We'll stop along
the road someplace,
put on a show.
Like your dad always said,
"If you ain't on the road,
you're in a rut."
[TRUCK BACKFIRING]
Hey, what about these people
out in L.A.? You think maybe
we should call them first?
You gotta deal with
these people face-to-face,
or they'll take us
for rubes, bumpkins,
suckers from the sticks.
I'll do the negotiating.
One time, I traded
a blind lion
for a flatbed truck,
ten dancing chickens
and a trampoline.
[METAL BANGING]
Now that noise,
what was that?
[ACCORDION MUSIC STARTING]
Now, you see, our polar bear
got arrested for
breaking and entering.
Wasn't really
a polar bear per se.
What we done was,
we took this regular bear,
and we bleached him.
[TRUCK BACKFIRING]
[MUSIC DYING]
[VERA TRUMPETING]
[MUSIC DIES]
Are we on fire?
[METAL CLANKING]
[VERA TRUMPETS]
[CAR HORN HONKING]
LULUNA:
Last time you took off,
you got three miles further.
Let's take you back
to the barn, Vernon.
LULUNA:
Jack, darling,
I called Polk City.
It's about eight miles ahead.
There's a truck-rental
yard there.
Wish we could
drive you both.
Thanks for
everything, Luluna.
If you could just
give me the name.
Oh, oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
Don't send her
to the jungle.
She doesn't get along
with monkeys.
Who does?
Another thing
your dad always said,
"Everywhere you go,
every line of work,
"there're two kinds of people.
"There's the carnies
and the rubes."
Don't be
on the rubes' side, kid.
Don't live
the life of a rube.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Wanna go for a walk?
I've got this
Wall Applications gala
in three days.
How am I gonna make that?
What's the carny move here?
[COWS MOOING]
Now, you better be worth
a lotta money.
That's a $2,000 gig.
[WHINING]
I've gotta call Walter
and make excuses.
I hate that.
[WHINING]
Y'know,
you're probably right.
Heck with Walter.
He's a rube.
Stay. Stay, Vera.
Don't frighten
the straights.
Come on, stay. Stay.
Don't frighten the squares.
Come on, stay. Stay.
Stay. Stay.
I need a truck quick.
Stay.
[VERA CHIRPING]
That'll be
two major credit cards.
Stop.
[WHISTLING]
That's to stop.
Stop it.
And a trucker's license.
That's the first thing
the hijackers took.
That's how these people work.
No license, no truck.
Do you think
I'd be going across Kansas
on foot with an elephant?
They took my rig, bro!
[VERA BURPING]
All right.
Ho! Ho! And I'll take
this.
And I'll need
more to go.
SALESMAN:
Is this a nice one?
JACK: No.
Is it a sweet one?
Yeah, no.
How 'bout a pick-up?
That's a little small,
I think, don't you?
Hey, I got one over here
you'd like.
W-Wait, now. Isn't
this the truck here?
That one's got
a loose seat.
[LAUGHING]
I've handled
loose seats before.
I'll take her.
[BEEPING]
[ENGINE STARTING]
[EXHAUST BLOWING]
[GEARS GRINDING]
[GEARS SHIFTING]
[SIGHS]
[GEARS GRINDING]
[SIGHS]
[HORN BLOWING]
[GROWLING]
Come on.
[GEARS GRINDING]
Ahh!
[HORN HONKS]
[HORN BLOWING]
[ENGINE STRAINING]
[GEARS GRINDING]
[HORN HONKING]
Come on, come on.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
MAN: Learn to drive,
you son of a bitch.
[HORNS HONKING]
I can't drive this.
[HORN BLARING]
MEN: Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo, woo-hoo!
[HORN BLOWING]
[HORN BLOWING]
Help!
MAN: Put it
in the granny hole.
Same to you.
Granny hole's
first gear, birdbrain.
Oh.
Thank you.
[ENGINE ACCELERATING]
There ought to be
a seat lever right under
your left butt-cheek.
Just don't touch
the magic button.
Okay, thanks.
Thanks again.
What's the magic button?
[WHIMPERING]
[CHIRPING]
Ah.
Woo!
[SCREAMING]
Woo!
Ahh!
[SCREAMING]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry for everything
I've ever done.
I'm sorry.
Oh, help me.
[HORN BLOWING]
Help me!
[WHIMPERING]
[WHIMPERING]
Oh!
[BRAKE SCREECHING]
[TIRES SKIDDING]
Nice rental!
JACK: So,
how long you think
it's gonna take?
Well,
I don't know
what you done to that
transmission, but
that truck
ain't goin' nowhere
for a couple of weeks.
Now, you do know
how to drive
a truck, huh?
[LAUGHING]
Vera, let's go
find ourselves a new rig.
[WHISTLING]
[TRUMPETS]
Hey, Mister,
you tipped
this one up, too.
Natural Talent?
Yes, may I speak with
Terry Bonura, please?
Well, when will
Terry be back?
I have to make
a speech in three days.
You heading west?
East.
I have a highly
trained elephant.
I have a number of
attractive offers for her.
I want to give
you people a shot.
You heading west?
Uh-huh.
This your elephant?
Yes, we are on foot.
Did you just
hang up on me?
Can you take
some more cargo?
Is he afraid of mice?
Are you hauling mice?
Vera, kill.
[VERA GRUMBLES]
Kill.
JACK: Mo?Yeah?
Jack Corcoran.
I got a more attractive
offer for my elephant.
Is that right?
Who from?
Terry Bonura
of Natural Talent.
I knew it, I knew you'd
hook up with Terry.
Oh, that's the Terry
you're always
talking about?
Aw, don't kid a kidder, Jack.
Just do the right thing.
And have your elephant
at the San Diego airport,
Tuesday the 24th, 8:00 p.m.
This is not just
an elephant.
This is a highly trained,
skilled, professional
elephant.
Oh, I don't give a shit
if she can play the banjo.
Healthy and fertile's
all I need.
[DIAL TONE BUZZING]
I am having a rough night.
I told you to kill.
[CHIRPING]
Hi, honey.
I'm in Kansas.
Would you call Walter
and tell him
that I will not be
able to make Modesto?
[GROWLING]
I know that.
I know that.
I will definitely
make the last two dates,
especially New Orleans.
Sure I miss you.
[KISSING SOUNDS]
[KISSING SOUNDS]
Headed west?
Sweet dreams.
Okay, bye-bye.
Give me Terry Bonura.
You've got her.
And who is this?
MAN: Terry?
Oh, hold on a sec.
Your thighs,
kind of ivory.
Oh.
All right, but make sure
you get it all the way
up to the thong mark.
TERRY:
Remember what happened
last time.
Uh-huh.
Sorry about that.
I was...
Expecting a man.
Aw, are you
terribly crushed?
I'm Jack Corcoran.
Are you an Aries?
Pisces.
Pisces?
You sound so firm.
[LAUGHING]
I have a...
I have a rather
large elephant here.
[LAUGHING]
Well, not every man
can say that.
Ha!
And she's talented,
very trained, and
Mo at the San Diego
zoo says that
she'd like to take
her to Sri Lanka.
Well, that's just because
she can't get anyone else
to go with her.
[LAUGHS]
Can you call me back?
Sure. But what kind
of a dollar figure
would we be
talking about here?
Mo had
offered 30,000.
Well, I can do
at least 40,000.
Are you sure
you're not an Aries?
Well, I'm on the cusp.
You're on the cusp,
and you're too modest
to admit it.
[LAUGHS]
That's very sweet.
Call me back, okay?
Okay.
Don't forget. See ya.
Okay.
I must be in love.
I just lied
about my sign.
How are we gonna
get to California?
All right, I want
you to wait here.
[WRAPPERS RUSTLING]
[BELL RINGING]
[LAUGHING]
[KISSING SOUNDS]
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
[LAUGHING]
Coffee.
And scrambled eggs.
Bacon, sausage or ham?
Sausage.
You know what
you just ordered,
don't you?
The Bob Hope.
Government waste.
Mmm-hmm.
School-lunch program.
Kids don't eat
that free lunch.
You got some retard
come down and sucking
on the government teat.
Come down and scrape it
off the garbage cans.
Then the pig farmers
slop their hogs with it.
Then hit 'em up
with every antibiotic
known to man.
'Cause the AMA's
in on this, too.
[LAUGHING]
MAN: Oh, yeah. You think
they want me and you healthy?
Think again.
Would you help me?
MAN: Uh-uh!
No, they don't.
They grind that stuff up
and try and call it meat.
Come on, man.
You ever seen
a pig's pecker?
Shaped like
a doggone corkscrew.
It's like that.
Like a corkscrew.
And that's exactly
what they're tryin'
to do to you
every time
you eat that pork.
Serious.
Yeah.
Anytime now,
that phone right there's
gonna ring-a-ding-ding.
I'm gonna skip on across
town, pick me up
a load of bowlin' pins.
Head clear west
to Californ-i-a.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Hey, my name's Tip.
We ain't met yet.
T-I-P, Tip.
Call me that,
'cause you stick with me,
you'll get
a few for free,
as you can see.
[SNICKERING]
Yeah.
Yo, sweetie,
hit me again, baby,
come on.
[TIP BURPS]
You know how long
that damn ground-up pig
will stay in your system
if you eat it?
Uh-uh. I'll
be right back.
Twelve to 16 years.
TIP: Ha! Yeah!
Aw, come on, now.
Hey, hey, hey!
Don't eat that stuff.
Don't do it.
TIP: What do you
think's in there?
You think
it's doggone blueberries,
don't you?
[PHONE RINGING]
Tiptop Truckin',
Tip speakin'.
Yeah, that bowling-pin load,
we're gonna
have to cancel that.
Cancel it?
Yeah, termites.
Termites?
Termites.
My ass.
Now, I know
who's behind this.
Them buddies at
the trucking commission.
That's who. Hello?
Hey! Hello?
Ah!
Doh!
Aw, now they broke
my phone!
[MEN LAUGHING]
Break my phone,
cancel my load!
Goddogit!
How's a man supposed
to make it?
Damn,
I don't believe this.
I don't believe it.
Now I got to deadhead
clear to California.
Maybe I can help.
TIP: And, of course,
the rats
are just runnin'
hog-wild around
the place.
I mean, the people
are practically chasin' them
right into the grinder.
Rats and excreta,
you know, come on.
It's all meat
to them. Ooh.
And they got the balls
to call that a hamburger?
Come on!
Now you better pull
the other one,
Uncle Sam. Right?
So, is a...
Is an elephant
a clean animal?
You know, I mean,
they eat out
the dirt and all.
She's clean.
She?
[LAUGHING]
[FOOT STOMPING]
Woo-wee!
I mean,
how do they do it?
You know?
Make whoopie?
I mean, I just
cannot see a big old
flumpy thing like her
laying on her back,
legs in the air
four tons of love
coming on top of her,
and she's laying back
just goin',
"Give it to me.
Give it to me."
[TRUMPETING]
[TIP LAUGHING]
That's a lot of weight
to roll around!
You know
what I'm talkin' about?
You know what I'm sayin'?
Come on, man.
That's somethin' else!
That's got to be
a sight to see.
That is pretty hard
to picture
in this old mind.
I don't know
how they do it.
I heard that.
I don't either.
[TIP TRUMPETING]
TIP: I'll tell you what.
TIP: Ah, the Rocky Mountains.
Clean spring water, right?
Right. Come on.
Government don't want
the stuff clean. Uh-uh!
I'm gonna have to
go ride in the back
with Vera for a while.
She's lonesome.
Stay up.
We got Jack and Tip
in the cab on the road.
You and me, pal.
[PSYCHOPLAYING]
I killed them both
Tip, do you ever sleep?
Oh yeah, I slept last week.
You think I'm psycho,
don't you, mama?
Mama, pour me a cup
You think I'm psycho,
don't you, mama?
You'd better let 'em
lock me up
Top of the divide.
Did dad ever let you
get out and take a look?
...there,
young lady!
Tip Tucker. Yeah.
At this rate, we'll be
in L.A. Tomorrow night.
Tip Tucker!
[SIGHS]
Maybe I'll go out to
dinner with Terry.
Hell, no, I didn't
pick up the bowling pins.
Perhaps she'll have
a little elephant buddy
for you.
Oh, is that right?
Is that so?
It doesn't look real.
You don't do that to me.
You don't do that
to Tip Tucker
and his Tiptop Trucking!
Get over it, Tip.
I had to do it.
"Get over it," nothing.
You canceled my bowling pins.
Look, a bald eagle.
There ain't no... Hey!
Tip, I had to do it.
Had to do...
[METAL CLANKING]
Doh!Hey!
Okay, look, I'm from
the playground, man.
City kid. I got game.
Watch out. Look out.
Come on. Come on.
Hoi! Hoi! Wait.
Let's you and me
get in the truck.
We'll drive down
3,000 feet.
We'll do this there.
I like it here.
Hey!
Hey!
Oh!
[GRUNTING]
Uh-huh! Whose playground now?
[VERA GROANING]
Oh!
[VERA LOWING]
The only reason
you're doing this
is 'cause I ain't popular
with people.
Don't make me
feel bad about this.
[GRUNTING]
Get away from me.
You hijacked me.
And that animal right there
tried to kill me.
I'm gonna put
the both of youse
behind bars
in the state penitentiary.
Her for attempted
murderer,
and you for being
a interstate felon.
What do you
think of that?
Doh! Doh!
Damn! Oh!
Nobody does that to
Tip Tucker and gets away
with it. You hear me?
Doh!
[ENGINE STARTING]
I will be back,
with the law.
With the law!
Well, we'd better
change our course.
Dad's got a southerly
route marked here.
Back roads through
New Mexico.
It's either that, or...
You get the chair.
[SQUEAKING]
[GRUNTING]
Well, we know where
it'll be if I ever
come back this way.
[VERA TRUMPETING]
[GRUMBLES]
Okay, I've got some
good news and
some bad news.
Good news is
it's all downhill from here.
The bad news is
you're gonna carry me.
Okay.
Hold still.
[LAUGHING] Hey.
All right.
All right.
Okay, honey,
where's the stairs?
Well...
That hurt?
All right.
Let's try this one.
What the heck
is going on?
Okay, hold it there, babe.
Hold it.
Come on.
Whoa, God.
Oh. Oh!
Baby.
Don't let me go.
Don't let me go.
[VERA EXHALING]
[SCREAMING]
[VERA TRUMPETS]
[VERA SNORTS]
Okay.
[VERA GROANING]
Turn right.
[WHISTLING]
Go.
Whoa!
Okay, not so fast.
Okay. Easy.
[TOUCH A HAND,
MAKE A FRIENDPLAYING]
Can't you feel it
in your bones?
A change is coming on
From every walk of life
People are
seeing the light
Can't you feel it
in your heart now?
A new day
is taking shape
Wrong way. Over here.
Wrong way. Get away.
That's cold. Get away.
Get away from there. Help.
Don't do it.
Take a drink,
and that's it.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Can you swim?
Can you swim?
A new day
is taking shape
Reach out, touch a hand
Oh!
Make a friend if you can
Reach out, touch a hand
Make a friend if you can
Reach out,
touch a hand, yeah
Make a friend if you can
Reach out, touch a hand
Make a friend if you can
You bully.
Reach out, touch a hand
Make a friend
if you can
You're gonna leave a ring
around this lake.
JACK: You know, if you just
stay there, we'll be fine.
Okay, I'll tell
you when to move.
Never mind. No.
That's okay. Go on ahead.
It's not you,
it's your truck.
Thank you.
Well, that's what happens.
You know?
When you're hot, you're hot,
when you're not, you're not.
I don't know if you
ever heard that one,
but it's a truism.
This could be.
This could be.
Yeah, you're the man.
Come on, big man,
let me hear you downshift.
Yes, hit those brakes.
Come on.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
[VERA TRUMPETS]
Stay there. Stay there.
Don't come out.
You da man. You da man.
You da good Samaritan.
Yes, sir. Yes. All right.
Hey, going all the
way to Los Angeles,
how about that?
Santa Monica.
Santa Monica. Outstanding.
Oh, man.
No, what've you done?
No.
Oh my gosh, who taught you
how to hitchhike?
Oh, there's two types of
animals in this world.
Ones you can hitch with
and ones you can't hitch with.
[SIREN BLARING]
Oh, God, get back there.
Get back. Back. Come on.
Freeze.
We need aerial surveillance.
We got to have road blocks,
road blocks east and west
and north and south.
We got to have
the bloodhounds
sniffing 'em down,
and we better have
this shotgun right here
loaded to the max.
You know what I'm talking
about? This ain't no picnic
walk. This ain't goin' bad.
I'm telling ya,
you turn your back
on the skillet,
the grease is gonna
burn your butt.
Oh, the dumb are lucky,
aren't they?
Oh, God,
I'll kill you, yeah!
Well, thank you lot
for all the help,
the two of you.
[SCREAMING]
Should have known better
than to expect a damn thing
from the authorities.
Get off of my truck!
Tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna go
form my own dragnet.
Or better yet,
I might just go it alone.
That's right.
Man, oh, man!
To repeat, brown eyes,
gray complexion,
weight approximately
8,000 pounds.
I have no idea
where we are.
I wonder what
Kirby means by,
"Badlands of New Mexico."
You know, I was
just thinking about
all those poor people
on the interstate.
They're missing all of this.
Good morning.
Sorry, good afternoon.
[SQUAWKING]
Why in the hell
aren't you a camel?
I don't want an elephant.
I want a camel.
[SIGHS]
[GROANING]
Thanks, Vera.
I'm sorry about
what I said, about not
wanting an elephant.
[RAIN FALLING]
It's rain!
Vera, it's rain!
It's rain!
It's raining!
It's raining!
It's raining!
It's raining!
It's raining!
It's rain!
My whining days are over!
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
Oh, no, it's not enough
that we gotta be
completely lost,
but we gotta be
completely drenched, too!
And I gotta be
wearing a wool coat
that makes me smell
like a dog
inside an automobile.
Alto!
New Mexico State Police.
How'd you find us?
Through prayer.
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
MAN 1: Mas rapido!
Please, we must
move faster!
[PEOPLE HOLLERING]
The church!
Get over to the church!
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[GRINDING]
[BELL RINGING]
[PEOPLE HOLLERING IN SPANISH]
[CREAKING]
Come on, I can't do
it alone. Let's go.
No!
[BELL RINGING]
[GROANING]
Isn't there anything
you can do?
Up here, push up here.
Come on, honey.
Push up here.
[WHISTLING]
[WOOD CREAKING]
Vera! Vera!
[WHISTLING]
[VERA TRUMPETING]
[ROOSTER CROWING]
[CHILDREN LAUGHING]
SenorCorcoran.
Gracias.
MAN: This is the plan
for the shrine for Vera.
I prefer Vera
to pose for me
for two hours
every morning.
You know, I have
to be taking Vera
somewhere else.
MAN: SenorCorcoran.
Vera is the savior
of our village.
We want her to stay.
Her and you, of course.
I don't know where
I belong anymore, but...
Vera has a calling.
She's the elephant
of my father.
I think
that he would want me
to see that
she gets into movies.
And you will be
in the movies with her?
With her? Me?
Of course. I mean,
you are a performer, no?
Well...
Do you have a phone
that I might use someplace?
Ha!
Terry Bonura.
"Hollywood, California."
TERRY: Jack, I've waited
and waited and waited.
I thought you fell off
the face of the Earth.
Well, Vera and I
were perfecting
one of our tricks.
Oh! God, I can't wait.
Listen, we're doing
commercials all week,
down at
the L.A. Sports arena.
Why don't you come down?
I'm the one
with all the wild animals.
You can't miss me.
Sure.
Would you call Mo and
tell her we're definitely
doing something together?
I mean, she called
me twice, and...
I don't know how
well you know Mo, but...
Consider it done.
[PHONE RINGING]
MO: Hello?
Mo. Jack Corcoran.
I tried to
let you down easy,
but I understand
you've been harassing Terry.
Oh, yeah? You tell Terry
to come clean out my cages.
You know, just because
she has a bigger budget?
Oh, so that's what
it's all about, huh?
You know, Vera deserves
more than three shows a day,
seven days a week.
[PHONE CLICKS]
Buenos dias, senorJack.
Buenos dias, Padre.
The movies.
The movies will be
Vera's shrine.
How may we help?
Well, the movies,
are in downtown L.A.,
which is two state lines
away from here.
And I'm kind of...
Wanted?
Yes.
Oh, are you on
America's Most Wanted?
Not yet.
Some day.
I've been looking
at these maps of
my father's, and...
I got the feeling
that state lines
might get kind of fuzzy
around here.
MAN: We have many
friends here.
How else may we help?
Well, I've noticed
that people have
been staring at me.
I think they're saying,
"The guy wears the same
clothes every day."
"Doesn't he have
anything else?"
Javier!
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Thank you. Same to you.
[DRUMS BEATING]
[TRUMPETING]
[GROANING]
Yeah, I think
you're right.
I smell peanuts, too.
[CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[ELEPHANT GROANING]
MAN: Cut!
Hey. I guess I know
who you two are.
Big one must be Vera,
and you must be Jack,
right?
Terry.
You're as pretty
as you sound.
This is Rosie.
This is Vera and Jack.
[SNORTING]
Where are your manners?
Say hello.
[WHISTLING]
[GROANING]
Hey, you've quite
a way with her.
Ever think about
doing an act yourself?
It's funny
you should say that.
First we'll do Vera's deal,
and then we'll talk
about your future.
This is Chris.
He'll take care of Vera.
You come with me
to the office.
Okay, I'll be right back.
You know, Jack,
I am your only buyer now.
Word is,
Mo's already spent
her whole budget.
It's gonna take 50
for me to break even.
That's the truck Vera
and I should have had.
Fifty? It's peanuts to
somebody like yourself.
Dig deep.
Fifty it is.
Let's see,
here's the contract.
Where's that damn pen?
So, what's this?
An electric back-scratcher?
[CHUCKLES]
Back-scratcher?
No, honey,
that's an electric goad.
[PHONE RINGING]
Don't tell me you got her all
the way here from Maryland
without a zing or two.
Natural Talent,
Terry Bonura speaking.
Hi.
No, you're supposed
to bring them down
to the ranch.
MAN: Rosie, get over!
TERRY:
You can have your wife
insured for a million dollars,
but that doesn't mean
you can sell her
for that much.
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS] Huh.
The deal was
three shows a day,
seven days a week, right?
No, they're coming to us,
remember?
I thought we were
gonna be partners.
All right.
Jack? Vera's okay.
Why don't you
sign the papers?
Look, cookie,
I'm trying to make this work.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
MAN ON RADIO:
7:48 San Diego time
with Bob Mankiewicz.
[HORN HONKING]
I've got an elephant
here for Sri Lanka.
The gene-pool project.
Nothing on the sheet
about another elephant.
You just didn't
get the word.
I know it's okay.
The sheet is the word.
We didn't come this far
to get stopped by you.
Turn the vehicle
around, sir, now.
I don't see why not.
ANNOUNCER:
The white zone is
for immediate loading
and unloading of
passengers only.
All right,
that was a little bumpy.
Sorry. Sorry. Come out.
Let's go. Come on, move,
move, move, move it.
MAN ON RADIO:
Hey, y'all! San Diego
country time comin' on 7:57.
[INDISTINCT]
[VERA SNORTING]
Would everybody
in the building
excuse us, please?
We're trying to
make a plane.
[CROWD YELLING]
Could you just get up
against the wall?
Thank you.
Come on, honey.
One more for
Sri Lanka, please.
Sir. Sir,
you have introduced
a dangerous animal
into a situation
where people can get hurt.
She is not dangerous.
She's very large,
but she's jolly.
Well, you'll have to
get the elephant
out of here.
She's not just an elephant.
She's a role model.
She saved my life.
She's trying to
make a plane to Sri Lanka
that leaves in three minutes.
If she could get
on that plane,
she could carve out
a whole new life
for herself.
Excuse me! Excuse me!
All right. How do we know
you have a connection
with that flight?
How do we know
you're not just a...
Just a guy walking
around with an elephant?
Fair question.
Come on, work with me,
will you?
Give us an escort
out to the gate.
Then if I'm lying,
you can shoot me.
You may both shoot me.
Now that's a good deal.
That sounds good,
doesn't it?
Jim? It is Jim,
isn't it?
Yeah, it is.
Okay, all right, thank you.
Good people. Jack Corcoran.
Appreciate it. Thank you.
Don't listen to
that man right there.
Don't listen to him.
Him and his fuzzy friend
are homicidal maniacs.
Mamas, grab your babies!
Grab your babies!
Pick 'em up slow,
and move back.
[SIGHS]
You got a nut on your hands
here. Good luck. I'll see ya.
Wait a minute. I don't have a minute.
They tried to
hurt you, sir?
Yeah.
Tried to hurt me,
all right. Yeah.
Acted like my truckin' buddy
for a while,
and then he tried to kill me.
Hijacked my rig!
Hijacked?
Yeah. He's gonna try
and do the same thing
to your 747.
Watch him, he's a hustler!
He's street-smart.
Yeah, proceed with caution.
Possible suspect down
in... Possible...
What was that?
[CLEARS THROAT]
What's that? MAN: What was what?
There's something in
that bag. Be careful.
Somebody...
I saw...
I saw that!
Back-up.
Bring in back up,
I think.
Don't do it alone.
Bring in some back-up.
He's got something
in that bag.
Huh. You wanna,
you... You...
We got a possible
case 212. 212.
Concourse D.
We need back-up
sent right away.
We're gonna need
a couple pounds of bacon
and some Polish sausage.
Dear Lord Jesus!
This whole thing
is a sting.
So, what if the thing's
a federal sting operation
to get to me?
Focus. Focus. Focus.
[TIP YELLS]
[YELLING UNINTELLIGIBLY]
Sucker! On the highway!
And I tell you what!
If you think it's gonna
be easy to get me,
you got another
thing coming!
I got this from
your oily girlfriend.
[YELLING]
Are you gonna
help or not?
Hi-ya!
MAN:
Get him, Frank! Get him!
Please, for the
love of God, help.
[ZAPPING]
If an agent goes down,
you're gonna have blood
on your hands.
[ZAPPING]
Come on,
this isn't funny now.
[YELLING]
Go! Go!
JACK: Excuse me.
Come on. Come on.
Step aside, ladies!
Woo-hoo!
We made it. We made it.
One more for first class!
[TIP SCREAMING]
[VERA TRUMPETS]
You Mo?
Is this Vera?
Oh, she's beautiful.
You know, Jack,
I spent my whole budget.
Yeah, Terry told me.
I'm curious.
With all the decent animal
trainers in this world,
how could you hook
up with Terry?
Terry had
a nice telephone manner.
She gonna be all right
on that thing?
Relax, animal lover,
she'll be fine.
They're very good company
for one another, and
they're infinitely patient.
Mo, can I take this one?
Come on, girl. Come on.
[WHISTLING] Come on.
[SIGHS]
Well, you go on ahead
and have a lot of
little elephants.
You got me to a better place,
and I'm gonna do
the same for you.
I'll even pretend that
it doesn't hurt to watch
you get on the plane.
[WHISTLING]
[GROANS]
[TRUMPETING]
[TRUMPETS]
MAN: Oh, oh, come.
[ELEPHANT CHIRPING]
Right now I'm supposed
to be giving the biggest
speech of my life.
I'm 50,000 in the hole,
I've stolen a truck,
and all I can think
about is how much
I'm gonna miss her.
You know, they say
an elephant never forgets.
But what they don't
tell you is that
you never forget
an elephant.
[SQUEAKING]
[LAUGHING]
You wanna go to
Salads & Such?
I'm vegetarian.
So was Vera.
[LIFE IS A CARNIVALPLAYING]
You can walk
on the water
Drown in the sand
You can fly off
a mountain top
If anybody can
Run away, run away
It's the restless age
Look away, look away
You can turn the page
Hey, buddy, would you like
to buy a watch real cheap
Here on the street
I got six on each arm
and two more round my feet
Life is a carnival
Believe it or not
Life is a carnival
Two bits a shot
Saw a man with the jinx
in the third degree
From trying to
deal with people
People you can't see
Take away, take away
This house of mirrors
Give away, give away
All the souvenirs
We're all in
the same boat
Ready to float off
the edge of the world
The flat old world
The street is a sideshow
From the peddler
to the corner girl
Life is a carnival
It's in the book
Life is a carnival
Take another look
Hey, buddy, would you like
to buy a watch real cheap
Here on the street
I got six on each arm
and two more round my feet
Life is a carnival
Believe it or not
Life is a carnival
Two bits a shot
Life is a carnival
Life is a carnival
Life is a carnival